6 alternatives to calling out the narcissist

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  • Опубліковано 22 гру 2024

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  • @sarakinn2736
    @sarakinn2736 3 роки тому +3165

    The old proverb is true, " Don't mud wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty but the pig likes it."

    • @bonnieallen2430
      @bonnieallen2430 3 роки тому +61

      Ooooh - that is spot on!

    • @glorrioussgg8412
      @glorrioussgg8412 3 роки тому +31

      Excellent

    • @Ryu_Kage.
      @Ryu_Kage. 3 роки тому +7

      That is so rude

    • @kimecosx
      @kimecosx 3 роки тому +25

      What if u like mud wrestling with your pet pig Wilber? And your buddy Charlotte be the referee 🥺

    • @TheMAMAB123
      @TheMAMAB123 3 роки тому +18

      @@Ryu_Kage. isn’t it awesome though?

  • @helenbaldwin4447
    @helenbaldwin4447 2 роки тому +834

    I did call out my narcissist mum 2 weeks ago for the first time in 58 years. I told her off for every damned abusive thing she has ever done to me. I shouted at her and swore at her. I said it all. It felt great and I don’t regret it.
    At the end she said our relationship was over forever and I thanked her from the bottom of my heart for setting me free!
    Of course she has now set her flying monkey (my sister) on me but I don’t care.
    This is what I needed to do. I spoke my truth. I took back my power. I took back my human rights. I am proud I stood up to her for the first time in my life.

    • @coolwater55
      @coolwater55 2 роки тому +20

      Just don't wish she we was dead, like my one sister screamed at our Mom on the phone.
      There is venting, but when we get older, it shifts.
      Hope you can maintain your own stability in it all.

    • @thatonedog819
      @thatonedog819 2 роки тому +35

      @@coolwater55 I mean at 58 years, I don't think you can claim "when you get older"

    • @doricetimko332
      @doricetimko332 2 роки тому +8

      ❤💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼❤

    • @prydegirl
      @prydegirl 2 роки тому +11

      If that’s what you got to do.

    • @jackknife4547
      @jackknife4547 2 роки тому +3

      I hate auto correct

  • @KristiContemplates
    @KristiContemplates 3 роки тому +2611

    The only winning move is not to play

    • @Sufferfish
      @Sufferfish 3 роки тому +50

      And it causes them narc injury at best but will always cause them huge frustration so a win win

    • @shakodeycarson9253
      @shakodeycarson9253 3 роки тому +57

      Yes! I learned that at a young age. Don’t give them any fuel for the fire

    • @narcabusevictimgermany9687
      @narcabusevictimgermany9687 3 роки тому +25

      Which is difficult

    • @gladyscuervo2212
      @gladyscuervo2212 3 роки тому +42

      God is giving me strength.

    • @detjaggillar8081
      @detjaggillar8081 3 роки тому +23

      Exactly - and ... get away from the relationship.

  • @ATmothphere
    @ATmothphere 2 роки тому +482

    This woman is waging a bloody war on narcissists. I love her. My General, i pledge an undying loyalty to you

    • @mikewilkins2030
      @mikewilkins2030 Рік тому +12

      Lol funny but so true! 😂

    • @sobaaasobaaa8564
      @sobaaasobaaa8564 Рік тому +1

      She could be a narcissist aswell.

    • @m.asammy3049
      @m.asammy3049 Рік тому

      Totally true

    • @m.asammy3049
      @m.asammy3049 Рік тому +3

      @@sobaaasobaaa8564
      Naaah!
      I do get wht you're getting at..
      But, naaaah! U FEEEEL THESE B'ATCHES.

    • @sl1138utube
      @sl1138utube Рік тому +1

      Narcissists hate this one trick

  • @maryhatleymeyer
    @maryhatleymeyer 3 роки тому +3674

    Watching these videos is my alternative to calling out the narcissist. These videos validate my experiences, reassure me, and give guidance. No where else have I found the understanding and empathy for what I’m going through. When I seek elsewhere, it’s just a big gaslighting experience. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani! ♥️

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +22

      🌈🙋😘

    • @bigred4379
      @bigred4379 3 роки тому +33

      Yes! Thanks dr Ramani!

    • @coachkatistrongmomcoaching8585
      @coachkatistrongmomcoaching8585 3 роки тому +92

      Me too @maryhatleymeyer! every time I feel overwhelmed or heartbroken or just plain broken, I turn Dr. Ramani on, and I'm instantly calmer, feel validated, and remember what is really important here. Thank you @doctorramani, you are bringing so much peace and hope to so many of us.

    • @sulekhpriyam4997
      @sulekhpriyam4997 3 роки тому +21

      Same here !!

    • @magsbulldog
      @magsbulldog 3 роки тому +42

      That's a nice comment. Helped me realise why I like these videos .

  • @NarcSurvivor
    @NarcSurvivor 3 роки тому +3378

    Calling them out will only make them angry and make them smear your name. Instead know your truth and get yourself to a safe place.

    • @lb1798
      @lb1798 3 роки тому +33

      7:03 Good To Remember
      Depression Anxiety Stress

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +121

      Near narc = danger
      Away from narc and close to nature = safe place!

    • @WizardofGOP
      @WizardofGOP 3 роки тому +107

      There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.

    • @venusrising6554
      @venusrising6554 3 роки тому +94

      Sad but true. Calling them out is like throwing dynamite into a cesspool.

    • @talcareyifill5937
      @talcareyifill5937 3 роки тому +36

      I don't care I would tell you what u doing to me

  • @msPranksterPixie
    @msPranksterPixie 3 роки тому +1046

    "Their rage can make you literally [actually] sick: mentally and physically."
    Please everyone heed this....
    Illnesses like fibromyalgia and myofascial pain are unbearable: I wouldn't even wish them on my abusers. Lack of sleep or stress can cause/exacerbate existing health issues such as heart, POTS, immune disorders, gut problems, PTSD.
    The health repercussions are very real.

    • @christinamarie7460
      @christinamarie7460 3 роки тому +67

      Unfortunately, this is so very true. My ex bf had verbally, emotionally, financially and physically abused me for years until I was finally able to safely make my escape. Up until the point I was able to make that escape, my health suffered dramatically. I had all of these symptoms that came on out of nowhere. I’m a healthy and active woman who went from hiking and camping to hiding in my room with crippling depression and pain. Ptsd is something that I’m learning to get through with the help and support of this channel and all of Dr. Raminis research and of course, good friends and family who listen and try to understand what it is to have narcissistic person in your life. Thank you for sharing. Best of luck with your journey.

    • @icherishcrochetandknit309
      @icherishcrochetandknit309 3 роки тому +12

      Yes, they are!

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 роки тому +40

      Yes I got sick from dealing with my aging sick mother...I got pains in my body and had no strength and forced myself to go on caring as well as hoping for change! Such a hopeless pointless journey! The healthier thing is just say stop and walk away. It's better to be alone than in bad company! I had the stupid illusion that my mother would care for me one day and appreciate what i had done for years or did for her but she never did do that... She couldn't see or feel my love for her...she never even once cared by my needs...the only thing i got was use, abuse and her aggressive behavior with scaulding me. She had a razor-sharp tongue too and she could really put that thing to use and shred you into little unimportant pieces!

    • @ProfFibi
      @ProfFibi 3 роки тому +62

      Yes I feel how sick my body is, it’s always tired, it’s because of their abuse. There’s literally physical symptoms. Like right now every morning I get nauseous anxiety and it’s hard to eat or focus with that gut wrenching feeling.

    • @belowthesilvermoonBe
      @belowthesilvermoonBe 3 роки тому +33

      You are so right, Dr. Ramani, the world and laws enable them. It doesn't matter if you have evidence, they manage to Escape facing consequences for criminal actions. This is not okay. Laws need to change. You shouldn't have to be killed to get the justice system to hold them accountable. Law enforcement needs to be educated on this and place charges on abusive, violent people that dont result in anything more than restraining orders or peace bonds. This gives them the green light to abuse their next target and the one after that and so on.

  • @prisonerohope6970
    @prisonerohope6970 2 роки тому +83

    "...it's not a deep relationship. But it never was!" Another enlightening statement, imho

    • @TheDanmanguy
      @TheDanmanguy 3 дні тому

      I want to barf because this is so bloody relatable.

  • @aprillove10
    @aprillove10 3 роки тому +395

    No contact is the best way to call out the narcissist. That and then becoming the successful person they always told you was impossible for you to do.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +10

      You were 'already' there if only because you were so different from them!

    • @KatjaBaby
      @KatjaBaby 3 роки тому +11

      Yasss the best revenge is living well!! 😜🤍

    • @lizney.channel
      @lizney.channel 3 роки тому +5

      How do you get there, how do you go no contact? You’re not supposed to call them out because it’s clearly not worth it, so do you just... say “we’re done, I can’t talk to you anymore” and block them?

    • @aprillove10
      @aprillove10 3 роки тому +7

      @@lizney.channel
      Short answer...Yes.

    • @aprillove10
      @aprillove10 3 роки тому +8

      @@lizney.channel
      The narcissist is done when you’re done. 😉

  • @ninamontrosse5588
    @ninamontrosse5588 3 роки тому +466

    If you are watching to fix them, you are watching for the wrong reasons. Radical acceptance.

    • @ManjuKannan23
      @ManjuKannan23 3 роки тому +5

      🙌🏻

    • @katherineyoung1401
      @katherineyoung1401 3 роки тому +6

      Yes, there is no fixing these creatures.

    • @ts4686
      @ts4686 3 роки тому +2

      I just realised this. Holy shoot. That's big.

    • @simplyredd9073
      @simplyredd9073 3 роки тому +2

      It has taken me literally years to realize and understand this.

    • @angelm6497
      @angelm6497 2 роки тому

      I'm watching to fix myself and manage my own situation. I guess I realised that after years of asking for improvement, it was never going to happen.
      I was just unhappy and any complaint fueled the accusations of being ungrateful, always complaining and nothing they could do is or was good enough. Even being supportive and demonstrating how something should be done was/is seen as criticism and therefore psychological abuse.
      When dealing with someone who can't admit a mistake and takes no responsibility for their behaviour your always going to be blamed for the failings in their life.

  • @sirmeowcelot
    @sirmeowcelot 3 роки тому +522

    Now I understand why some people go to the store for cigarettes and never come back .

    • @milkcookies6450
      @milkcookies6450 3 роки тому +5

      I know of at least 1

    • @sweetea7035
      @sweetea7035 3 роки тому +37

      😂😂😂😂😂 so true! I'm thinking about it and I don't even smoke.

    • @dawn6044
      @dawn6044 2 роки тому +13

      This comment made my day!😂😂😂

    • @krissmith2004
      @krissmith2004 2 роки тому +2

      @@dawn6044 👍

    • @huetv8840
      @huetv8840 2 роки тому +8

      Now I know why she never let me go to the store by myself, it was always take one of the kids.. also she would want to buy my cigs for me.

  • @huskymcfluff
    @huskymcfluff 2 роки тому +168

    When my grandmother died, my mother cried. Not because she'd miss her, but because she would never be able to confront her and tell her how much she hated her. On the way to the funeral, my parents discussed with me the schedule where they would have "calling hours". I'd never heard the term before, so I asked what it was. Mom said, "It's a brief period of time, usually around two hours, where people gather and just share good memories or fond feelings about the person." Dad's quick-witted reply, which had us all laughing, was, "I wonder if they'll be able to stretch that out to two hours."
    My mother's mother was a narcissist. She grew up in fear of her. Thankfully, my mother is a very strong woman with a wonderful heart, and instead of growing up to be like her mother, she grew up to be the opposite - a kind, compassionate person who is able to find genuine friendships where ever she goes. I could not be more grateful for her strength of character.

    • @cb9825
      @cb9825 Рік тому +5

      Hi! Did your mother warn you as a kid about grandmother's narc behaviour or did you learn yourself?

    • @Zeepjeliefs
      @Zeepjeliefs Рік тому +11

      My mom is like your mom. Deprived of love in her youth by a narcissist but still the most loving person you could meet. It's incredible to me. ❤

    • @REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh
      @REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh 11 місяців тому +1

      Thankfully I’m still kind and giving agree a narc mother and “best friend”. Thank God!

  • @t.l.7733
    @t.l.7733 3 роки тому +655

    Being around a narcissist is like trying to pet a rattlesnake...no matter how you approach, they're going to strike.

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +10

      Interesting analogy!

    • @sunofpeter2
      @sunofpeter2 3 роки тому +5

      This is exactly how I describe my wife. We have a baby and I want to stay married because of him. I am not sure I can endure her. I wish I could just ignore her negative traits and fake liking her.

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +5

      @@sunofpeter2 dr Ramani’s book, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, may be useful to you as far as coping with staying in a marriage to a narcissist.

    • @sunofpeter2
      @sunofpeter2 3 роки тому +1

      @@abowling5759 thank you i will be look for that book and be reading it soon.

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +1

      @@sunofpeter2 marvelous! I think you’re so brave and loving to do this for your son.... I hope everything works out well..🦋

  • @DimitarKapralev
    @DimitarKapralev 3 роки тому +633

    "When you grayrock it's not a deep relationship, but the fact is it never was."
    That hit deep on so many levels.. Dr Ramani, you are a lifesaver!

    • @carolgonzales4262
      @carolgonzales4262 2 роки тому +12

      It hurts....because I loved him deeply....but he could never love me.

    • @DawgzMom
      @DawgzMom 2 роки тому +1

      It sure did

    • @bereal6590
      @bereal6590 2 роки тому +8

      Same here, that and the bit about sharing your pain and difficulties when you share with them you feel worse! All because you don't get any empathy. Both of those hit home for me

    • @barbarastarr7559
      @barbarastarr7559 2 роки тому

      So true yes 👍

    • @CherylFrancken
      @CherylFrancken День тому

      It's very painful to hear that. And it's so messed up to realize the trauma bond... the yearning for the deep connection and the small amount of affection you get from time to time and then having to "stop trying" - greyrocking... not share achievements, don't be enthused about something because they will indeed talk it down, and not share pain, vulnerable moments because they exploit it. It's textbook in what I went/ still go through.

  • @sfisabbt
    @sfisabbt 3 роки тому +794

    I've been grey rocking for 15 years without knowing this has a name. Even when grey rocking, the barrage of micro aggression never stops but the aiming gets progressively more fuzzy. The trick is to never give a clue what hits and what doesn't.

    • @living9377
      @living9377 3 роки тому +29

      Gold comment

    • @shash1702
      @shash1702 3 роки тому +9

      thank you

    • @minorytka3163
      @minorytka3163 3 роки тому +47

      35 years. You are 100% right! Even "good days" have an underlying purpose. I learned it late, but better late than never.

    • @donnadavis2442
      @donnadavis2442 3 роки тому +20

      I’ve just started Grey Ricking, but what kind of relationship do you have with your husband? This also teaches my son bad behavior. Still learning!

    • @lorijohnson2348
      @lorijohnson2348 3 роки тому +27

      Let’s see, How long have I known my mother-in-law? That’s how long I’ve been grey rocking. 😕

  • @AishaVonFossen
    @AishaVonFossen 2 роки тому +536

    A seventh thing I would add to this list, ESCAPE. Leave the narcissist's lair, end the relationship if you can, and never look back.

    • @JJ-pf3ok
      @JJ-pf3ok 2 роки тому +10

      Amen🙏

    • @JJ-pf3ok
      @JJ-pf3ok 2 роки тому +5

      @Sarah D I went through similar. It's worth every cent. You can do it. I'll pray for you ⚘️

    • @AishaVonFossen
      @AishaVonFossen 2 роки тому +4

      @Sarah D Good, I'm glad you're taking steps to make that happen. I'll pray that you make it.

    • @whitepod
      @whitepod 2 роки тому +15

      definitely run asap and block them out of your life as they do stalking a lot

    • @alternateanalysis2034
      @alternateanalysis2034 2 роки тому +5

      Escaping seems to be the most logical conclusion after learning about narcissists. I'm not sure why Dr. Ramani didn't mention that on this list; maybe it was a quick action list, and it could be implied that escaping is the ideal goal in the future.

  • @crencottrell7849
    @crencottrell7849 3 роки тому +2644

    *1.) DON'T call out a narcissist as you'll always lose*
    2.) Understand what it is inside you that causes you to be a narcissist magnet
    3.) Only deal with narcissists as acquaintances
    4.) Deal with those who understand the chaos dealing with a narc, and support you
    5.) Accepting that you'll always be in a stagnant relationship with a narc
    6.) Fill your time with hobbies/recreational fun
    *I think I got the list paraphrased 😁*

    • @bettyjones5375
      @bettyjones5375 3 роки тому +42

      Thank you!

    • @NaveDelAmor
      @NaveDelAmor 3 роки тому +17

    • @dyoung2739
      @dyoung2739 3 роки тому +17

      Thanks❤️!

    • @marsha04053
      @marsha04053 3 роки тому +34

      I've been with 3 narcissist in my life. Didnt realize what nacassiss was. Until now . They were so controlling, jealous of me . Threatening to kill me if i look at another man. One of the narc , bird , skunk passed away 5 years ago. This man im married to now and saperated from. Threatening to beat my ask and held a knife in his hand . But he was mostly in the silent treatment and give me evil looks.

    • @marsha04053
      @marsha04053 3 роки тому +15

      Every time my phone will ring. He wanted to know whose calling you or texing me if i need to go to the store. He will say im going with you etc. How can you tell if hes stalking you without you knowing it? His sister in-law is already hoovering on my face book page

  • @annaburns2865
    @annaburns2865 2 роки тому +923

    1.Don’t call them out
    2. Put your energy into something else
    3. Grey rocking/ Fire walling
    4. Have some other sounding boards /vent in a space where you are safe and validated
    5. Radical acceptance
    6.Distractions

    • @kimgordon3695
      @kimgordon3695 2 роки тому +10

      Thanks Anna (break time review)!

    • @talulatree5297
      @talulatree5297 2 роки тому +25

      Number 5. Very hard😞

    • @LivingGood777APS
      @LivingGood777APS 2 роки тому +3

      Thank you thank you 🙏

    • @melamo9145
      @melamo9145 2 роки тому +21

      and it works well once you get used to this strategy. mindfulness exercises help your awareness and to not get your mind to involved in the game the narcissist plays. you don't want to get thrown around like a mice by a cat? just accept, that this person will never ever change, no matter how you bent and try. i just wish i would have known that as a 20 year old kid with a history of abuse. he found all of my buttons! all what doc ramani is pointing out. but in the 80ties there was no internet and there were no books for average people about this. i would have run as fast as i could but it cost me years to recover and get in to a loving relationship with trust and respect.

    • @ToyKeeper
      @ToyKeeper 2 роки тому +6

      Thanks, Anna! This list is why I pulled up the comments.

  • @gailcapshaw397
    @gailcapshaw397 3 роки тому +361

    Firewalling - not letting sensitive information in or out! PERFECT description.

    • @christianpulisic7784
      @christianpulisic7784 3 роки тому +3

      Gail Capshaw,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 3 роки тому +4

      What worked for me was telling the toxic person, "This is the boundary I've set for myself, on my own behavior - it's to not talk about Person X". Not laying the boundary on the TP makes things so much easier, b/c the TP is fixed on his/her gratification.

    • @peggywellman1221
      @peggywellman1221 3 роки тому +2

      My mother exactly

    • @ExoticalT369
      @ExoticalT369 3 роки тому +1

      …This.

  • @skylersojka6742
    @skylersojka6742 2 роки тому +39

    It's difficult being a man. A deeply empathetic man.. went through 7 years of narcissistic abuse.. been separated for 9 months. Custody battle.. selling a house you own with this demon... I had a breakthrough two days ago... I fully understand and accept I have major psychological issues. Caused by abuse.. admitting as a man that you have psychological trauma from a relationship with a little 4'11" woman child Was hard. And I feel such a massive relief finally getting an explanation. That it wasn't me. I'm not the narcissist. I'm not the bad person, like I knew all along deep down. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Hours of watching and listening to your videos has saved my life. I was lost.. and now I think I see myself again. And It makes me fuckin cry. Thanks again

    • @EMichaelBall
      @EMichaelBall 2 роки тому +10

      *virtual hug*

    • @karenlynch5684
      @karenlynch5684 9 місяців тому +4

      God bless you.

    • @trippled4590
      @trippled4590 9 місяців тому +4

      I went through this as well! Glad you found freedom! I am healthy now as well but still have a child with mine which she is currently alienating from me.. so the trauma continues 😢

    • @StephanieSantiago-m9j
      @StephanieSantiago-m9j 9 місяців тому +3

      God Bless you.

    • @avibhagan
      @avibhagan 9 місяців тому +3

      it's like you described my life.

  • @eynainfilms
    @eynainfilms 3 роки тому +631

    Being with a narcissist and then realizing you have to cut them off is like a death, but in some ways worse. Because in order to die, that person first has to live. But no, these people never even existed, and it's truly heartbreaking. You grieve over someone who was never there to begin with.

    • @GS-st9ns
      @GS-st9ns 3 роки тому +19

      This video is the most valuable one after you realize you have a narcissist, keep watching it if you need to. Your comment was brilliant that a narcissist first has to live before it can die. I don't think people are thinking along move abstract terms

    • @빛과어둠-q8s
      @빛과어둠-q8s 3 роки тому +39

      Yes, you grieve for the wonderful person you thought they once were, which was never the case. It can feel heart-breaking realizing who they really are, and knowing that you have to cut them off. But when you are finally able to do that, trust me, it is worth it! You will regain a sense of independence and freedom that you haven't had for a long time, you will feel whole again, and one day, you will just simply stop caring about the narcissist. I wish you all the best and if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, i hope that you will find the strength, courage and acceptance to finally cut off and be free!

    • @djosephine
      @djosephine 3 роки тому +34

      It’s like you were interacting with an empty void this entire time. So scary

    • @sunnylittlejoshine
      @sunnylittlejoshine 3 роки тому +4

      @@빛과어둠-q8s 🙏🏼👏🏼💞

    • @NotMee45
      @NotMee45 3 роки тому +8

      🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 best description ever

  • @JA-ko6xu
    @JA-ko6xu 3 роки тому +178

    Best Alternative: Turn away, and never look back. You're never going to fix it, so don't hurt yourself trying. Don't let them consume your life.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +9

      They're like the little pak-man monsters eating every one in their way!

    • @angelajames6460
      @angelajames6460 2 роки тому +5

      Just disengaged from my narc sibling who has turned greedy since the death of our mother. We are in different countries and I refuse to speak with him. He smeared me before my mother's death and will continue to do so because he's not getting his way. I refuse to be bullied and manipulated.

    • @mes1220
      @mes1220 2 роки тому +1

      God bless you 🙏✳️🌞✳️ Extremely wise words Thank you very much ❇️🌞✳️🙏

    • @mes1220
      @mes1220 2 роки тому

      @@joseenoel8093 yes completely true They,ll mke you feel ur in their way Even when you're not😰❇️🌞✳️🙏

    • @hansdampf4120
      @hansdampf4120 Місяць тому +1

      Not that easy when kids are involved.

  • @cyndifoore7743
    @cyndifoore7743 3 роки тому +456

    The narcissist NEVER thinks there’s something wrong with them, it’s impossible to convince them no matter how much evidence there is.
    You’re wasting your time talking to them.
    They’re impossible to live with.
    I got divorced and am happy and thank God every morning that he’s not here in my house with me.

    • @lashedbycaaron4346
      @lashedbycaaron4346 3 роки тому +4

      Do you have kids together? How did the divorce go? I'm ready to start my divorce and just curious.

    • @sonyajohnson6955
      @sonyajohnson6955 2 роки тому +9

      @@lashedbycaaron4346 It’s best if it’s the narc who wants to go, if he’s leaving you for another woman. Otherwise narcissistic rage gets triggered and they make SO much trouble during the divorce, burn up so much money. Some are even so awful to one of the kids (Scapegoat) that the kid commits suicide and narc says it was the mom’s fault. … These people are vile, crazed. Back away slowly and carefully.

    • @lyndacork2821
      @lyndacork2821 2 роки тому +6

      Exactly. Your main goal should be getting away and self preservation. There is no life with one of these degenerates. I divorced mine. Then he turned his attention on my daughter. As soon as she was old enough she also dropped him like a hot potato. Hex getting the consequences he deserves

    • @charithadissanayake3304
      @charithadissanayake3304 2 роки тому +1

      Sounds like my dad 🤔

    • @rfq84
      @rfq84 2 роки тому +1

      @@ArcticSilverFox1 that's exactly my father

  • @Platinumally
    @Platinumally 2 роки тому +140

    It’s so hard to NOT call them out…but you’re so right!!!!!!!!

    • @Michelle87brwnlove
      @Michelle87brwnlove 2 роки тому +2

      Yes it is. I am praying that today was my last day doing this.

    • @rrdp2
      @rrdp2 Рік тому +1

      It gets easier with practice.

    • @John-ei8wq
      @John-ei8wq Рік тому +1

      Yeah I’ve made multiple promises with myself not to but it keeps happening

    • @nengsihsusanti
      @nengsihsusanti Рік тому +1

      Exactly it’s so hard 😢❤

    • @BL-sd2qw
      @BL-sd2qw 10 місяців тому

      Yes. It is

  • @irfanfaiz6548
    @irfanfaiz6548 3 роки тому +354

    I used to be so damn naive to think that every single living person has the chances, willingness and ability to change for the better, despite their predicaments and upbringing. And sometimes I still wish that this is true - what a beautiful world it is if hope exists for literally everyone. I used to think that it’s unfair that some people are deemed hopeless, regardless of their positions in life. But by now I should realise that reality is more often than not, different than how we want it to be. So yeah. Thank you Dr. Ramani, for this realisation is truly fundamental to the way I perceive people and the world. I now know that it’s best that I radically accept and acknowledge that some people are really just, hopeless…

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +18

      Nothing wrong with that, with age comes wisdom,
      I pity persons out to use others, what a thing to aim for!

    • @lb14188
      @lb14188 3 роки тому +14

      If they truly want to fix themselves. We don't have the time to devalue ourselves one more minute in the process. The damage can't be un done.
      For themselves in the future or some one else...
      Great! Good luck!
      But the last time after time has to REALLY be the last time.
      FOR ME.
      EVERY CASE IS DIFFERENT

    • @naveedrehman2987
      @naveedrehman2987 3 роки тому +16

      Same here. I used to think no matter how cruel someone could be there would some good left in them but sad reality is that some people will not change until their last dying breath!

    • @otimismoedoenca6749
      @otimismoedoenca6749 3 роки тому +7

      To me, "once a fool always a fool."
      But I guess you too could break away from this predicament. You're no longer a fool. I'm happy for you.

    • @irfanfaiz6548
      @irfanfaiz6548 3 роки тому +7

      @@Chibis417 that’s a great insight. Thank you for sharing. Moving from life in a cult into a relationship with a Narc, damn I can only imagine. I hope you’re working those issues out well, I really do. And you’re right too. I guess that’s the cut off point, one can only change if he himself wants to change. All external influence are otherwise futile.

  • @libbywood2846
    @libbywood2846 2 роки тому +600

    It took me 60 years to realize and accept that my youngest sister was never the friend I wanted to believe she was. The confrontation that led to my eyes being opened was truly painful, and I grieved for over a year. We haven’t had any contact now for 5 years. It’s strange, isn’t it, how you can keenly miss a friendship that wasn’t real? Videos like this have been a lifesaver for me.

    • @Dbb27
      @Dbb27 2 роки тому +39

      I think as kids we don’t understand the semantics of a relationship; what’s healthy and what’s not. I’ve had to deal with my 92yo narcissist mother. It’s hard to service her and take care of all her business yet never have enjoyed a good relationship. They’re loss.

    • @johngalvin3124
      @johngalvin3124 2 роки тому +51

      We miss what we wanted to be real. Enjoy real life now.

    • @richardmoloney689
      @richardmoloney689 2 роки тому +14

      I'm exactly as you are. Now I'm safe.

    • @dryb3301
      @dryb3301 2 роки тому +16

      It took me 26 yrs and I'm feeling relieved. She was and always will be this way. I'm now gray walling her.

    • @tophus5583
      @tophus5583 2 роки тому +13

      @@phoenixrising33 It really hurts being confronted with reality and the truth. For what I can tell both of my parents are narcissists. Since they divorced my relationship to both of my siblings went down the toilet. I never ever heard from my sister again. It's been over 14 years now without any contact to her, because every attempt is constantly blocked by our mother.
      And my brother followed our father in his footsteps, even though he hated him for his physically and mentally abuse. I will never forget his response, when I talked to him about his opportunistic and narcissistic tendencies, that he becomes a jerk like our father. He just stared at me for a while, then began to smile and answered: "That's the way I am today, and if you can't handle it, that's your problem, not mine."
      It's really hard to accept, that there's nothing I could possibly do to help them.

  • @GB-uv9lb
    @GB-uv9lb 3 роки тому +518

    She's like the perfect motherly woman to run to for advice. She's amazing and such a blessing to help those of us in or who were in dire need. Thank you Dr.Ramani

    • @kelligray1848
      @kelligray1848 3 роки тому +6

      THIS!!! Well said ❤️❤️

    • @sarahwanjiru1768
      @sarahwanjiru1768 3 роки тому +3

      So true, I felt like hugging her while watching this. ❤

    • @ErinP79
      @ErinP79 2 роки тому +2

      I’m so happy I was lead to this channel a few days ago. I’ve been binging on videos and I love her already! 🤍

    • @leahzaloudek6978
      @leahzaloudek6978 2 роки тому +1

      @@ErinP79 same! And at the same time!

    • @daunahess5787
      @daunahess5787 2 роки тому +2

      I thought exactly this! Don't you want to just hug her neck every time you watch her videos? I'm THAT thankful for her advice. She's made so made so much sense out of difficult relationships I've had. Its been a healing journey. She IS a blessing!

  • @ruthrose1000
    @ruthrose1000 Рік тому +53

    Narcissists feed on negative energy more then positive energy.

    • @bartgoofers
      @bartgoofers 6 місяців тому +2

      That is very very true.
      It feeds on narcissistic supply.

  • @funkymunky
    @funkymunky 3 роки тому +423

    You can't change someone by loving them harder.

    • @Expose_bankers_and_auctioneers
      @Expose_bankers_and_auctioneers 3 роки тому +9

      100%

    • @funkymunky
      @funkymunky 3 роки тому

      @@MJ-qb5ph Question is: Who will be your next?

    • @funkymunky
      @funkymunky 3 роки тому +3

      @@MJ-qb5ph If you've spent 50 years in the thrall of your "narc" family, that must mean you were - at least in part - a volunteer. And if "narcs" repulse you, you must - at least in part - repulse yourself.

    • @doladutta7699
      @doladutta7699 3 роки тому +4

      So so true and I am realising that now... No matter what I do for my young adult son , he is never happy.
      I thought with more love he will change but i was wrong.
      We have to live under the same roof but its so difficult

    • @funkymunky
      @funkymunky 3 роки тому +3

      @@doladutta7699 Find him a girlfriend. 😉

  • @russhamel
    @russhamel 3 роки тому +248

    Nice list. Very useful. Every time I tried calling out my family narc, the ONLY result was a massive spike in my blood pressure! The fact that they can make you physically and mentally sick is a HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!
    I'm 67 years old and I simply can't continue to play the spike-my-blood pressure game. No contact works best for me.

    • @lc1695
      @lc1695 3 роки тому +13

      Wow! Thanks for your comment because that's exactly what I've been going through and I'm 67, too. One gaslighter told me it was cause I was older. Since I've been applying the principles outlined in these videos I've seen a huge lowering in my bp and have been able to stop taking the bp medication. I always knew my high BP was not due to my age.

    • @icherishcrochetandknit309
      @icherishcrochetandknit309 3 роки тому +14

      And worst of all, do you think they would be at your side if you got sick, ended up in the hospital and possibly on your death bed? FORGET ABOUT IT!!
      That is the main reason I left my husband. I thought back then, 21 years ago, if he can't take care of me now in the prime of my life, i can imagine what he will do with me when I am old. He would probably put me in a nursing home!!

    • @TheBagmaven49
      @TheBagmaven49 3 роки тому +11

      Same here. Except my blood sugar was 598 one night after a days of distress with my toxic adult step-daughter. I'm going on 65. I gave her over 30 years of my adult life. It never ends. No Contact was the only solution! Horrible people....

    • @joanlynch5271
      @joanlynch5271 3 роки тому +3

      Animals!

    • @diclick7063
      @diclick7063 3 роки тому +1

      So true is what I was thinking of doing, disaper like a lightning.

  • @ms-xy8yq
    @ms-xy8yq 3 роки тому +189

    I called out my narcx. He filed a lawsuit filled with lies, rewrote the past, assualted me in court with 28 lies, and used the legal system to continue the abuse. These people are DANGEROUS. I have the PTSD, therapy bills, and financial losses to show for the destruction.

    • @artiste1954
      @artiste1954 3 роки тому +20

      Oh I know. I got Baker Acted and held for no reason, they had to let me go. I was just trying to get away and go to lunch, 5 police cars surrounded me in the parking lot of a restaurant. He claimed I was going to self harm, like I would do such a thing over him. And nothing I had on me or my tox screen showed anything, but that 22 hours with no food in the looney bin has given me PTSD.

    • @emmadean3007
      @emmadean3007 2 роки тому +9

      My friends ex is doing this as we speak. She is beyond disgusting and she often comments on sites saying she is the victim of narcissists too. She's very good at what she does. She tried to make me her flying monkey as a set up for later. Thankfully i saw straight through her. But these people are cruel and so misguided. I guess the best place to look for their next victims are in places we share our pain at their hands. Good luck moving forward x

    • @Tshifaro_WarriorPrincess
      @Tshifaro_WarriorPrincess 2 роки тому +3

      Went through the same the past year. I am healing now and gaining my power.

    • @87Strong
      @87Strong 2 роки тому +1

      Omg yes very similar thing happened to me. I didn’t necessarily call them out, so I did feel like it came out of nowhere in my naivety. Ofc it wasn’t out of nowhere they are *always toxic/abusive*

    • @Peanuts76
      @Peanuts76 2 роки тому +6

      @@emmadean3007 don't ever confront Narcissist friends, they love to see you down, just go somewhere else and making new friends

  • @roserdh1
    @roserdh1 2 роки тому +75

    OMG! I got in an argument with a narcissist last month and was literally sick for a month, stomach issues. I have finally got to baseline healthy after a month!

    • @cb9825
      @cb9825 Рік тому +7

      @@Madina_CR let me guess, when SHE was ignored she was angry?🤣
      My mother tries to lecture me about me "being not polite" to her when she herself doesn't even bother to say "hi" and "bye" to her own sisters when she calls them (rarely) or sees them in person (even more rare occasions). She just delivers the needed info through her teeth, as short as possible, and cuts the call. Seems like only I must "be polite".

    • @rosemarypetrilli582
      @rosemarypetrilli582 Рік тому +3

      I feel you!

    • @Starlightndust
      @Starlightndust Рік тому +6

      It took me 1 year to get better after bring raged at by a Narc frenemy. I told her I was planning to go back to University to do an MA Journalism. Earth shattering rage was her response. She couldn't stand that i was having a career goal.

    • @danuk2136
      @danuk2136 Рік тому +4

      I do believe that narc abuse can directly lower health, mental hyperfocus,confusion, anxiety, stomach, heart, muscles, immune system, nerves, sleep all suffer when a person is focused on the narc, rather than themselves.. some even change , feeling less of themselves overtime, feeling weak and anxious becomes the norm, whilst the narc literally watches you become ill and hurt from their actions, they are looking elsewhere and then blame you once you discover their secret, it's your fault, your the one who's failed. Your the one who's going to look bad in this, they block you temporary, making you absolutely clueless and confused, so you stay in , hurting, not knowing what to think and who to trust..they use this time to find new supply and distract them, only messaging you to see how you are, did they get away with it?? Can i get away with it? Make you somehow agree its your fault?! Change the narrative to suit them.. if you are still angry or upset they will up and leave and probably never think twice.if you forgive them, you are literally feeding their ego and ensuring they can again and again..narcs are bullies, your fall is their rise, they will destroy someone simply because they can, if you tell them their behaviour is wrong they will simply turn it on you, point it at you and walk away without a thought.. yes I would definitely say it affects health 😂

    • @libbysimpson9127
      @libbysimpson9127 Рік тому +6

      So did I. My mother.I was so sick I had diarrhea for a month. I could barely force myself to eat or shower, I missed a months work! I will never stand in her presence and take her abuse again& she is 81. I have a few descent years left and I be d@mn€d if I let her poison another second of my life.

  • @mikebell2750
    @mikebell2750 3 роки тому +182

    The first thing that you need to realize is that a narcissist doesn't care about your opinion, they are right period. So calling them out will not change them, will not make them reevaluate their behaviour and will not make them suddenly respect you or your opinion, it will only anger them more and be more inclined to seek revenge upon you or those close to you. Just as a narcissist looks out for number one, you must do the same but in a healthy way to protect your wellbeing. When it comes to these people, I believe that "less is best."

    • @provencepoppy1078
      @provencepoppy1078 3 роки тому +5

      This. Perfect.

    • @abbl8898
      @abbl8898 3 роки тому +11

      You nailed it. One of my narc's favorite things to say whenever I express my opinion is: "Oh, yes, you're always right." It took me the longest time to realize that I was not allowed to have an opinion if it differed from his.

  • @adamderose9468
    @adamderose9468 3 роки тому +507

    just to add my 2 cents, the fact that i cannot enlighten them to the harm they've done to me is one of the hardest parts of moving forward. thank you for these thoughtful videos Dr. Ramani

    • @rainingpatchouli4476
      @rainingpatchouli4476 3 роки тому +60

      I am frustrated with this too, it's like you want to let them plug into your brain and "feel" and "empathize" so they can "get it" . What I learned is , we turn to the abuser for help because we see the good in all people and because the abuser had moments of good we "hope" they will just one day "get it" and we would've educated them on how to "be a good person". RADICALLY ACCEPTING THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN 😔☠️😔But man it still hurts .

    • @karenannaluisa3370
      @karenannaluisa3370 3 роки тому +22

      That was the hardest insight for me, too: just to REALIZE that I was constantly usually when doing boring manual work like doing the dishes for example wrapped up in my inner dialogue (monologue?), in a way rehearsing what I would say or could write next to try convince him of ... how ourtrageous his behaviour is to normal standards / how unacceptable / how super-wellbehaved I was that did not slap him directly into his face / a inner list kept going on and on for what he owed me an apology. Etc pp
      And then being again surprised about the next level of entitlement. Like: häää? You joking, or what

    • @futz1656
      @futz1656 3 роки тому +30

      I try and think of it as stopping supply. Thats my revenge, they hate that the most.

    • @torilux
      @torilux 3 роки тому +11

      I understand. It’s incredibly frustrating.

    • @hazelisaacs2201
      @hazelisaacs2201 3 роки тому +22

      Really frustrating but in the end as pointless as trying to get the neighbours' well-fed pet cat to feel guilty for stalking into your garden ransacking that nest of baby birds you've been feeding and enjoying for weeks or savaging a harmless mouse on your lawn just for the sheer fun of it. It's their nature and they don't see any reason to change. They'll never feel remorse or guilt. Any "punishment" will not be understood rationally as a consequence of their own spiteful aggressive behaviour, but as YOUR stubborn inability to understand the fundamental nature of a cat.
      TLDR: don't try to play chess with a pigeon.

  • @ildikokiss8850
    @ildikokiss8850 3 роки тому +60

    Something always works for me is doing something nice for someone who is in a more unfortunate situation than me. Doing something nice to cheer up someone who is sad like making them a cake, taking them out for a coffee, walking their dog, listening to their problems… just get out there and do something nice to someone… it’s just so healing …

    • @kelleyrogers4623
      @kelleyrogers4623 3 роки тому +16

      I like this too. My father passed away Tuesday & my twin narcissist allowed me to find out from a condolence message. I am furious but instead collected food for an elderly person who is struggling. Also provided her with a walker & a cane. Felt good to use that as my distraction. Today is clothes for another.

    • @bethlawrence4225
      @bethlawrence4225 3 роки тому +8

      That's really beautiful. I agree wholeheartedly. Getting out of my own head and my own self pity or rumination is of great benefit. Usually reaching out and connecting with a healthy person or helping someone in need is a great reset and refocus. Nicely put!

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +1

      Yup but careful, you will run out of steam! I now cringe from my past want or ability to be the life of the party 🎉, I so don't get much out of it, I feel like my buds are kinda takers in this regard, I know they don't have it in them but it gets boring ffaaasssst!

    • @klee_of_c8082
      @klee_of_c8082 3 роки тому +5

      @@kelleyrogers4623 - I am so sorry for your loss. How kind of you to think of others after losing your Dad, then being treated coldly by the narc. Be good to yourself, too - buy yourself a special treat!

    • @provencepoppy1078
      @provencepoppy1078 3 роки тому +5

      @@kelleyrogers4623 I am sorry for the death of your dad and for your narc twin's abusive treatment of you. It's so good that you are turning your pain and frustration into doing good deeds for others. It lifts the spirits - the people you are helping who appreciate your help, and your spirit, too. Wonderful.

  • @daniellestobart-xp8xk
    @daniellestobart-xp8xk 9 місяців тому +7

    'Not calling them out is not enabling them as they are already enabled'. Thank you Dr. Ramani

  • @lillyrondorf5114
    @lillyrondorf5114 3 роки тому +120

    I choose to keep quiet because the more i was trying to fight back the more i got Hurt and became seriously sick, Since i stopped iam now feeling much better. Grey rock and No contact really good for me..the first time in life that iam happy not pretending to be happy.

    • @atanamorell2
      @atanamorell2 3 роки тому +7

      Congratulations!! Best of luck to you for a beautiful and peaceful future.

    • @2blackcatz426
      @2blackcatz426 3 роки тому +7

      Same here. Keep strong

    • @WizardofGOP
      @WizardofGOP 3 роки тому +8

      There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.

    • @icherishcrochetandknit309
      @icherishcrochetandknit309 3 роки тому +3

      👍🤗👏👏👏Great! Be strong!

    • @lillyrondorf5114
      @lillyrondorf5114 3 роки тому +2

      @lisbet salander Thats True, Dr Ramani has done alot to us.Iam glad that iam/We are going the right direction.

  • @dhanyaslifeventure
    @dhanyaslifeventure 3 роки тому +127

    The best alternative- life's beautiful. Especially, after undergoing narc abuse,life becomes more meaningful than before with our determination.take that strength, create a beautiful life,we are all there already with Ramani's guidance.

    • @lindabell6954
      @lindabell6954 3 роки тому +11

      we are left with CPTSD. we can become triggered without even knowing it. You may just wake up and feel off, not really knowing why. It takes a lot of work and self care. Dr. Ramani helps us to learn we have tools to protect ourselves.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +5

      Gotta get that happy, that good feeling adrenaline going again!

    • @WizardofGOP
      @WizardofGOP 3 роки тому +8

      There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.

  • @AshaGlenn
    @AshaGlenn 3 роки тому +374

    Friend: "Don't say narcissist, that's not nice... You're not a doctor.."
    Doctor Ramani: *snap* Put them in the firewall!
    Yes!!! 👏🏾👏🏾 Love you Doctor!

    • @usernameluis305
      @usernameluis305 3 роки тому +32

      Another thing theyll do "oh theyre going through a rough time right now, just be patient" as if it gives them the right to treat me how they want and i should just be quiet about it

    • @AshaGlenn
      @AshaGlenn 3 роки тому +26

      @@usernameluis305 exactly! It makes no sense. So because they are going through a rough time, I'm supposed to give them full permission to make my life a living hell? It's so crazy how people will go out of their way to excuse a toxic person's behavior

    • @Sarablueunicorn
      @Sarablueunicorn 3 роки тому +16

      @@usernameluis305 "sometimes people say things without thinking. I'm sure they meant no harm YOU should forgive them". (when they didn't even apologize)

    • @skymeadow7762
      @skymeadow7762 3 роки тому +6

      Made me laff

    • @Sarablueunicorn
      @Sarablueunicorn 3 роки тому +6

      AKA throw them in a dumpster and set it on fire haha

  • @syriablackwell
    @syriablackwell 2 роки тому +71

    🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️ as fast as you can, calling them out makes matters worse. There’s absolutely no reasoning with them. NONE‼️

    • @Michelle87brwnlove
      @Michelle87brwnlove 2 роки тому +4

      None!! Only to them trying to make you feel like you’re crazy.

    • @liberatedforpurpose8443
      @liberatedforpurpose8443 2 роки тому +4

      I just came to this same conclusion yesterday. You CANNOT reason with them. It's NOT going to help matters. It's just not. As of today, I'm done explaining. No. MORE.

    • @tammyfitzgerald5336
      @tammyfitzgerald5336 2 роки тому +1

      Exactly don’t want contact lol

  • @Sarablueunicorn
    @Sarablueunicorn 3 роки тому +238

    Again, children of narcissists are forgotten.
    Imagine the suffering it is to have a narc as a parent, rely on them for survival when they threat it everytime, desperately need the love of the caregiver and not having it.
    Children have no support system, no anti-narc methods to use, they can't run away.
    We are doomed from birth, to mental and physical illnesses and nobody addresses this.

    • @moltenkitty7157
      @moltenkitty7157 3 роки тому +12

      Felt that ahaaha

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +21

      It's quite the burden to bare and then don't we go and marry one, geez! One things for sure, whereas someone else would have been more sympathetic to what you went through you spouse ranks it up to your willingness to not get along, how I hate hearing the word dysfunctional family 👪, makes me feel like I'm part of the reason it doesn't work, as if they're the victims of me! 😵

    • @Sarablueunicorn
      @Sarablueunicorn 3 роки тому +21

      @@joseenoel8093 The parents create the dysfunctional family, children don't have a saying on this.
      They start a dysfunctional relationship and have kids to create a dysfunctional family, kids are just an add up, not the core of the issue.
      Narcs have kids just to be constantly in a position of power and control over someone. And this is never mentioned.
      Why narcs get married? Might have an answer but not why narcs have children.

    • @angaeltartarrose6484
      @angaeltartarrose6484 3 роки тому +16

      Seeing my bf begin acting like my drunk mother was what finally made me want out. It felt so f-ing abusive. Total flashbacks. Drunken crying fits, blame everywhere but where it belongs.

    • @MizCo-zt8vt
      @MizCo-zt8vt 3 роки тому +11

      Same I feel your pain and suffering at 27 im still feeling the turmoil of the abuse i suffered from my mom. Im still dependant on her... But i totally feel that threatning. My mom always have me what i wamted but used what i needed as a means of control and manipulation. Shes been calling the cops on me since 12 yrs old everytime our arguments get to heated.

  • @KimHeb.
    @KimHeb. 3 роки тому +77

    This is why I have healthy and forfilling hobbies that ground me in joy.

    • @mindsetmethodmotivation6936
      @mindsetmethodmotivation6936 3 роки тому +7

      I took up gardening and garment construction.

    • @Kim-kw7fo
      @Kim-kw7fo 3 роки тому +8

      I started writing a book

    • @kannahashimoto7044
      @kannahashimoto7044 3 роки тому +5

      What if you live with one :(

    • @KimHeb.
      @KimHeb. 3 роки тому +11

      @@kannahashimoto7044 still find hobbies, it will help keep you sane in the madness and help you get out

    • @mindsetmethodmotivation6936
      @mindsetmethodmotivation6936 3 роки тому +7

      @@kannahashimoto7044 when I lived with two, I had this ritual that I would paint my nails every day. Even though it didn't stop the abuse it was a way to re center and look after myself a bit. Good luck analog girl, keep looking for support x

  • @SourdoughJesusFreak
    @SourdoughJesusFreak 3 роки тому +203

    I was the black sheep of my family, my whole childhood I was blamed for things I was never validated for my emotions. And when I talked about my emotions or acting out my family said I was “dramatic” “drama Queen” it wasn’t until I met my husband and told him about my childhood and he met my family they he showed me I was being gaslighted my whole life and that my father is super unhealthy. My dad always gives me the silent treatment the longest he has went is 2 years and it’s been over a year since my dad gave me the silent treatment again. And Dr.Ramani videos have helped me get a better understanding of my father and my childhood and now I can start to heal

    • @marysuzannajayne1340
      @marysuzannajayne1340 3 роки тому +13

      You must be from my flock, little black sheep! I felt like I was reading my own story in your comment! So I guess it happens? It happened to many of us, but imagine if you were unfortunate enough to be the aggressor? How empty they must be inside, while we, the black sheep now have ability to see. And in seeing we can help our flock not dwell on the b.s.😜😜😜

    • @rcomyns4664
      @rcomyns4664 3 роки тому +14

      Being a black sheep builds character! We aren't the ones with the narc problem. We got this now! Thanks Dr. R!!

    • @yvonnelygo681
      @yvonnelygo681 3 роки тому +7

      Me too,
      My mother rang my house and asked to speak to my husband.
      I lost my cool and told her to get lost.
      ( She never acknowledged me, or said hello)

    • @kitkat186
      @kitkat186 3 роки тому +2

      Sad and it hurts, my parents are dead and one day I saw a post from a man saying how much he missed his mother even though a few years had passed. I had the realization that I don't miss mine, my councilor explained I never had a connection them so how can I miss them. Never being loved, scapegoated served with copious amounts of mental cruelty and violence made for a hard childhood, but it made me tough, maybe too tough. Sadly I'm married to a narcissist so listening to HG Tudor and this lady is a huge help.
      My husband and my mother hated each other and she did her best to humiliate me in front of him, but they recognized each other and neither wanted to lose their control over me. I now realise being able to put put up with abuse kept me caught in it, now I know what is going on, it seems likely at some point I will leave.
      This link shows the arrogant mindset if narcs, it will change how you view them.
      Watch Narcs "The Full Horror Moment" on UA-cam
      ua-cam.com/video/v32aq-195fk/v-deo.html

    • @DHRodriguez86
      @DHRodriguez86 3 роки тому +10

      I’m thrilled about the silent treatment from my entire family. Grateful for it. Life has become bliss.

  • @bam8039
    @bam8039 2 роки тому +14

    "They are already enabled...calling them out will enable them more!!!"
    Priceless!!!

  • @MrSuperPsymon
    @MrSuperPsymon 3 роки тому +88

    Who ever cares less has the power. 👍

    • @crystal-eb5rf
      @crystal-eb5rf 3 роки тому +11

      Thats good as I'm rapidly reaching a point of not giving a s*%*

    • @MrSuperPsymon
      @MrSuperPsymon 3 роки тому +8

      @@crystal-eb5rf Just love yourself more. 😉

    • @Missladybug62
      @Missladybug62 3 роки тому +5

      Wish i had a heart made of Gray Rock

    • @cataisla258
      @cataisla258 3 роки тому +1

      And when they're trying to sabotage your career by deleting your work etc? I never understand when people say just don't care. If they are ruining your career it's hard not to care

    • @crystal-eb5rf
      @crystal-eb5rf 3 роки тому +2

      @cata lsla I know how hard that is ,as you seem to always be trying to out think them for your own protection . Change all passwords and codes that gain access to your computer and dont make them something that can be guessed by him .never leave it unlocked in his presence .only thing. is He'll then change tactics ,and you'll be trying to out think him again.
      They are mentally exhausting to deal with and you can't trust a thing you say.

  • @janetstonerook4552
    @janetstonerook4552 3 роки тому +144

    I have learned to stop any narcissists from my past from engaging me on any level. I stopped answering emails or phone calls from them and keep my doors double locked. Earlier this year I was at a gathering and felt compelled to speak to an estranged sibling. I was polite but gave him no personal information at all in our brief conversation. I realized that this time I no longer felt the need to reach out further or to call them out. Yes, I am physically and emotionally healthier than I had been for years! My doctor marvels at my healthier b.p., cholesterol and heart rate. Putting me first has been awesome! Too bad I waited so long to do it! At age 70!

    • @calvinmeissner3697
      @calvinmeissner3697 3 роки тому +4

      proud of you Janet!!

    • @mindydickinson2226
      @mindydickinson2226 2 роки тому +5

      You're not alone. I'm just learning this at age 68. I tell myself that if it could have happened any other way, it would have. God's timing is perfect. We've got to believe and thank God that FINALLY we're starting to believe that it's okay to put ourselves first. Thank you for sharing.

    • @srso4660
      @srso4660 2 роки тому +1

      Good for you! 👏🏼

    • @nandinigogoi2584
      @nandinigogoi2584 2 роки тому +4

      I realized at the age of 41 and I thought I realized so late ...but really it feels so much free.I was blaming myself for years and then i got the answer to all those frustrations of my life...I feel better now.It does not matter to me whatever people think..I am putting myself first for the first time in my life of 41

    • @godiseverything1482
      @godiseverything1482 2 роки тому

      Thanks Janet for your words.
      I am going through the same Nar behavior from my Sister & Brother @ the moment and it is so hard.
      I have grey walled my Brother for about 2yrs now.
      And about ready to do the same with my Sister.
      I choose to be Healthy.

  • @80islandia
    @80islandia 3 роки тому +110

    A “distraction” activity that puts you in a good mood and flow and connects you with what you love and value about yourself can be a game changer. Thanks Dr. Ramani!

    • @lc1695
      @lc1695 3 роки тому +9

      Music is a great distraction!

    • @80islandia
      @80islandia 3 роки тому +6

      @@lc1695 True! A dance party or a brisk walk with some life-giving tunes on the headphones can be massively helpful.

    • @usernameluis305
      @usernameluis305 3 роки тому +8

      Its funny cause those who abuse you will hate the fact that you distract yourself from having to interact with them. As if its for no good reason

    • @melhawk1352
      @melhawk1352 3 роки тому +6

      They are forever petulant children.

    • @angaeltartarrose6484
      @angaeltartarrose6484 3 роки тому +6

      i painted the entire exterior of my house when bf discarded me, & it really helped me get the focus back onto my own life, stay no contact, & it turned out super beautifully!

  • @mixemyth
    @mixemyth Рік тому +13

    The most I've been able to accomplish in calling out a narcissist is to see them come to a place of cognitive empathy over what I'm experiencing due to their abuse, but I've never seen emotional empathy. I experience emotional empathy and learning that they are beyond this experience, and knowing the difference, has helped me a lot.

  • @peterknyk1942
    @peterknyk1942 3 роки тому +105

    The narc is obtuse!!! There is no point to ever calling them out!!! Run away as far as you can to save yourself,,,,

    • @WizardofGOP
      @WizardofGOP 3 роки тому +7

      There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.

    • @brettweary8491
      @brettweary8491 3 роки тому +3

      Absolutely Peter

    • @CJ-hz1uj
      @CJ-hz1uj 3 роки тому +5

      WizardofGOP, that’s where withdrawing consent comes in, in personal relationships and in more general ones. People is where the power is, with us, not from them. The Discourse on Voluntary Servitude by Étienne de la Boétie suggests a way. We can wonder what personal relationships are like with and between these public figures, thank goodness withdrawing our consent, both the public’s and personally, can be a powerful option.

  • @Steve197201
    @Steve197201 3 роки тому +233

    You know things are bad in our culture when the best response to abusive people is to just ignore them.

    • @belowthesilvermoonBe
      @belowthesilvermoonBe 3 роки тому +31

      Or go where they can't reach you. You have to uproot your life to be free.

    • @MizCo-zt8vt
      @MizCo-zt8vt 3 роки тому +23

      They should be. Eradicated.

    • @MJ-qb5ph
      @MJ-qb5ph 3 роки тому +10

      Yes. I have thought that as soon as I came to understand this illness and against everything I stand for went no contact with my family to save my life

    • @nicoleswarbrick5754
      @nicoleswarbrick5754 3 роки тому +14

      And sadly it's nearly impossible to prove they are abusive and a danger in a court of law because what's threatening to you can often be perceived as perfectly normal and even polite.

    • @Steve197201
      @Steve197201 3 роки тому +4

      @@nicoleswarbrick5754 Which is why our legal system is a joke and should be abolished.

  • @gagirl5962
    @gagirl5962 3 роки тому +76

    I have been firewalling my mother for years. I used to think I was being a wimp and needed to work on my confrontation skills but thanks to this video I just learned I was doing the right thing the whole time. I am sane after all.

    • @jackpetersen7545
      @jackpetersen7545 2 роки тому +3

      GA Girl,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

  • @daniellemontreal3491
    @daniellemontreal3491 2 роки тому +88

    A 7th alternative , for me, has been: writing an email or letter to the narcissist, calling them out, then not sending it. I have , like 4 of these letters which I've emailed to myself over the years. It helps me get it out, but no need to give the narcissist the satisfaction. Of having upset you.

    • @yukon9315
      @yukon9315 2 роки тому +6

      I do the same thing, but in my case I add saying everything out loud in the house when's she's gone.

    • @gigicolada
      @gigicolada 2 роки тому +5

      I do the exact same thing. I have a few videos and notes that I’ll never send, but it feels good to get it out.

    • @stephm411
      @stephm411 2 роки тому +3

      Yes! I do this all the time on Twitter when something someone says upsets me. I type of a response to get it out of my head & to release the emotion, but then I don't send it. Not giving them the satisfaction they up set me.

    • @melissapriddy3739
      @melissapriddy3739 10 місяців тому +4

      I’ve done the same thing through the years, even wrote a rap song about it 😂. It was very good medicine to take my pain and put it on paper & even make it a comic relief in guise of a song.

    • @MattPearcey-ws8zx
      @MattPearcey-ws8zx 10 місяців тому +1

      Brilliant idea, Danielle. Writing the letter but not sending it

  • @artifundio1
    @artifundio1 3 роки тому +133

    I have been doing the "fire-walling" for a few months. Good name, I like it having a name. It's sad to have a shallow relationship with my husband, but it's great to have some sort of relationship with him. I am starting to see him as a person, a regular person and not so much my ex loved one. Once a week the sadness with in acumulates and I cry a bit, but on a daily basis it's a good relationship to have while I figure out how I am going to live on my own again after 11 years. Thanks Dr Ramani, I listen to you every morning, you keep me focused and strong 💪

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +7

      Yes, I know exactly what you mean.....💜

    • @mgb7140
      @mgb7140 3 роки тому +15

      You sound like you're really moving forward. It is hard to think of ourselves as survivors, but *you are a survivor*, and I think you will get out. You will be surprised that once you are no longer in such a toxic environment, you will find even more strength and determination. You go, girl!

    • @christinamarie7460
      @christinamarie7460 3 роки тому +22

      I can relate so so so much to what you’re saying. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing. With all of the gaslighting my bf does, I thought I was crazy....until I found this channel. I too feel so much sorrow to have such a shallow relationship, and I also find myself crying. If you want some support and feel like talking about it, I’d love to hear from you. I feel so alone with this, it breaks my heart. I hate knowing that other people in this world feel the same.

    • @russhall1414
      @russhall1414 3 роки тому +12

      @@christinamarie7460 I'm also in a relationship with a narcissist, though I think they're pretty low on the scale.
      Deciding to go or stay is an important decision and I would suggest that if even once they have physically hurt you, GO!
      In my relationship a bit of greyrock, a bit of firewall, and all's good.
      When they gaslight I literally walk away without a word, never reply or argue. I keep my own house, bank account, car, we do NOT mix money.
      Good luck

    • @corinanoah544
      @corinanoah544 3 роки тому +6

      I did that as well I just didn't know what it was called. It's a good term for that.

  • @DakotaBill-73
    @DakotaBill-73 3 роки тому +70

    I have tried for decades trying to figure why I, at times, seem to not be able to have a mature relationship with my wife. Through these UA-cam lessons I now realize that my spouse is a text book narc. NOW I UNDERSTAND!

    • @skymeadow7762
      @skymeadow7762 3 роки тому +4

      Same, bang bang bang our heads on the brick wall

    • @delorestaylor8114
      @delorestaylor8114 3 роки тому +12

      They are manipulating parasites. Covid doesn’t have a thing on them 👹

    • @delorestaylor8114
      @delorestaylor8114 3 роки тому +13

      By maintaining a victim status, they control the environment

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +6

      Their immaturity is, I guess, our biggest problem/stumbling block!

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +1

      @@thehappywanderer6469 didn't mine call me bi-polar 2 weeks ago! My step dad was, so frustrating trying to get anywhere mature with these lunatics!

  • @provencepoppy1078
    @provencepoppy1078 3 роки тому +172

    This. 7.34: "The narcissist is going to remain a 1-person wrecking crew." A perfect summation of a narc's life and how they destroy everyone around them.

  • @PARoth2011
    @PARoth2011 2 роки тому +22

    My narcissistic mother begged me to move from NH to Florida to help her because she was in such pain. We sold our home and built one in Ocala as close to her as we could. When I asked her to wear a mask during Covid she asked why and I said to protect me since I’m over 65 and have health issues…she said no. When the time came for her to go to assisted living, where did my brother (who she put on his own narcissistic pedestal) decide to go? An hour away! I was devastated because the fatigue of my fibro makes it so difficult to drive the two hours. I felt terrible I couldn’t drive there…sigh, no more. I finally understand, I am not responsible nor will I feel guilty. She is alone in her facility and basically stays in her bed declining with dementia and with little stimulation as my brother, who lives in Maine, conducts her affairs and dutifully visits twice a year. Choices. It’s all about choices. There is nothing we can do or say to change the narcissists minds and walking away, as painful as it is, is our only salvation.

  • @prometheuspredator7971
    @prometheuspredator7971 3 роки тому +98

    When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, husband/wife/sibling/child/parent or boss the dynamics will never change and they will only get worse. As i tell others, "what you have is the best you will ever get. It will never get any better and this is how it will be during the duration of your relationship." Take care of your mental health and do yourself a favor and Get Out!

    • @DONNACEDOHIOK12
      @DONNACEDOHIOK12 2 роки тому +1

      My narcissist was my 9th grade teacher , I got away , I dropped out.

    • @carolgonzales4262
      @carolgonzales4262 2 роки тому +6

      You are so right. I always had hope....but he just got worse. Mind games, manipulation, forced sex (he was the worst in bed...all about him...usually over in a matter of mins at least), demeaning comments. 50 years....but now I'm free!

    • @callanc3925
      @callanc3925 2 роки тому +5

      They do change actually, at the start theyre great and then after a few months it all starts to get worse and just continues to get worse as time goes on

    • @midwesternertk3714
      @midwesternertk3714 2 роки тому +2

      Yep. Get out. 👍

  • @flowersofthefield340
    @flowersofthefield340 3 роки тому +292

    Don't call them out unless you have an exit plan of some sort..... A sensible friend and a place of safety !!!!

    • @mgb7140
      @mgb7140 3 роки тому +21

      Absolutely. But be prepared for it to be permanent, because if you go back there may be a honeymoon, but the rage will come back, probably worse than ever.

    • @kahlodiego5299
      @kahlodiego5299 3 роки тому +7

      I've never had that. Trapped.

    • @jaime3452
      @jaime3452 3 роки тому +2

      True dat

    • @teal1010
      @teal1010 3 роки тому +9

      Absolutely!
      Take your time and plan it well.
      Not to "get back" at the Narcissist, but to free yourself from a miserable experience!
      💞

    • @teal1010
      @teal1010 3 роки тому +8

      Sharon B
      Exactly!
      There was a Honeymoon each time, but there was always a "Fresh Hell" on the horizon!

  • @justjennifer4294
    @justjennifer4294 3 роки тому +189

    I've noticed that since setting boundaries and grey rocking, the narcissist seems to sense something's up and constantly says that if we're mad at her she would hope we would tell her why so we can have a "healthy relationship". We know it's a trap.
    We refuse to fight with her about it and give her any ammo to slander us or throw back at us.

    • @kuibeiguahua
      @kuibeiguahua 2 роки тому +6

      I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this way of doing things

    • @callanc3925
      @callanc3925 2 роки тому +10

      Its so funny that they see boundaries as "someone being mad" at them

    • @mizelle4096
      @mizelle4096 2 роки тому +8

      They sure do respond to the grey rock don’t they?? They can sense something is off but will never ever take a look at themselves as the common denominator in all their drama and issues

  • @GenesGems
    @GenesGems 2 роки тому +9

    You are my hero. I’m in tears as I watched this: Today I was triggered by my Narc. She was enraged at me calling her out. She has never and will never be able to self reflect. It’s like watching a monster in film…. Just watched Stranger Things recently and my narc is Vencna. Self righteous. Always doing what narc believes is the right thing. She is a major source of pain and suffering in my home. I failed today. I tried to stand my ground and she just triggers and triggers and triggers. I grew up in a home that was filled with trauma. I am physically I’ll today. Weeping… nauseous… wanting to run anyway forever… but I won’t leave my kids…. I won’t. This video just saved my life. I was actually gray-rocking my narc for a long time and it was great. Only when it’s the working year as narc is administrator in education. So the summers are rough. Really rough…. When narc is out of the house I’m terrified because I don’t know what kind of mood narc will come home in. Or what I did wrong and be scolded and corrected for. You cannot make this stuff up… you can not. Narc always attacks and never says “oh wow, did I talk that way to you? Sorry… I’m so tired…” which would be a reflective moment… it’s always my fault. Narc beats me down to where I need to escape… and yes I tv show, or going for a walk or even exercise… but it doesn’t help. Narc triggers so much lately that I fear I may say that thing that will bring more rage… “you’re a coward…” even tried counseling… and it sort of helped having a witness to narc trying to redirect and blame be for everything… I’m no work of art for sure… but counselor even saw and would stop narc and make narc be self reflective. Narc couldn’t rage or blame and you know what narc would do… either laugh or cry. It was the best defection. And when is call narc out for deflecting the narc would snap at me and the counselor would see the facade crumble. I’m telling you you’re absolutely right. Society enables this. My Narc thinks b cause she knows how to pay bills and hold down a job that she’s more stable then most. Oh no… no one knows who she really is… the word monster comes to mind. But the difference is… monsters aren’t real. Narcs are…. I’m going to go back to gray-rocking. And I will do other things if I can… today was so bad… so very bad…. Thank you for this so so so much…

    • @yukon9315
      @yukon9315 2 роки тому +3

      I understand how you feel. I really do.

    • @ginasverige2570
      @ginasverige2570 2 роки тому +1

      I have felt the same way. So sick from the narc behavior: heart raising, exhausted, nauseous. I feel your pain. Trying to keep it together in the hopes that one day the narc will change and things might get better. It has been 22 years of this. I am separated now living with two of my children missing my oldest daughter. But the narc wants to get closer to us again...

    • @susieneville5612
      @susieneville5612 Рік тому +1

      Yep...that was my wounded mums behaviour..I was often confused humiliated and eggshelling around her, and enraged and heartbroken by the Injustice and her meaness....

  • @prant8998
    @prant8998 3 роки тому +61

    The best thing was re-reading emails I had sent her from years previous describing the senseless public tantrums she would pull. Some of these, shockingly, I had completely forgotten about. That’s the problem, we remember the good times, and because we are all trauma bonded from the on off cycle, we forget or minimize the humiliating stuff we went through. If that stuff had gone on at the beginning, we would have just left without a second thought. You can’t just fall in love and then have a license to treat someone like a doormat. Civility, and respect, from day one.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +5

      Does that means she's an overt? I've suffered with both and coverts are worse, it's all behind closed door 🚪!

  • @katherineharbord6658
    @katherineharbord6658 2 роки тому +90

    This woman..... has saved my life so many nights. Always feels like she’s speaking directly to me and im so thankful to God for her

    • @paulohlsson27
      @paulohlsson27 2 роки тому +1

      Hi Katherine, how's your day going with you?

    • @paulohlsson27
      @paulohlsson27 2 роки тому

      Thanks for the thumbs up, how are you spending your spare time?

    • @kfernandes268
      @kfernandes268 2 роки тому

      Thank you so so much. Very insightful.

  • @dnk4559
    @dnk4559 3 роки тому +170

    “Radical acceptance” this is what I’m working on. I’ve recently realized that it’s pointless to try to reason with them. They are not going to change. Thank you Dr. Ramani again for the reminders.

    • @moni3634
      @moni3634 3 роки тому +5

      But this is also the hardest...that they will probably never Change...Wonder If there is a Difference between grandios and covered narcisist....

    • @amberparker9883
      @amberparker9883 2 роки тому +5

      Same here.. literally useless to try to rationalize

  • @ScottOstr
    @ScottOstr 2 роки тому +69

    I've spend a lifetime trying to figure out my wife. You've explained it and what I've been doing about it in less than 10 minutes. Thank you. ❤️

    • @vg1403
      @vg1403 2 роки тому

      Scott, sending my love to you. Same here.
      Let's enjoy our beautiful lives without our bitch

  • @hsg57
    @hsg57 2 роки тому +125

    "They go on a rager to relieve tension" made literally everything click in my head.

    • @steggopotamus
      @steggopotamus 2 роки тому +6

      Yeah, it's making me realize that even though my mom has autism (probably), she also has enough narcissistic traits to be beyond reach.

    • @Private24560
      @Private24560 2 роки тому

      My husband just did this last night and I tried practicing these new techniques

    • @wyleecoyotee4252
      @wyleecoyotee4252 2 роки тому

      @@Private24560
      You can't leave him?

  • @Godisgreat-777
    @Godisgreat-777 3 роки тому +95

    I’ve learned the best thing to do is to go no contact. I am also learning having any kind of communication with a narcissist, is actually very dangerous and I put myself at risk of being hurt even more. Of course in the narcissist eyes...I am the evil one and the main problem 🙄but I know it does absolutely no good to stand up or defend myself. Walking away has slowly but finally given me peace and serenity. I am actually healing as well.

    • @paulohlsson27
      @paulohlsson27 2 роки тому

      Hi, how's your day going with you?

  • @sarahchillomg2946
    @sarahchillomg2946 3 роки тому +160

    "Refusing to call them out is not enabling." I had never thought of it the way you explained it and this is so helpful! Thank you!

    • @rachelelise1655
      @rachelelise1655 3 роки тому +2

      I really agreed with most of her videos but disappointed by this one. It is enabling.

    • @abbl8898
      @abbl8898 3 роки тому +4

      @@rachelelise1655 A few months ago I would have agreed with you because I had no idea what was a narcissist was. I've stood up for myself for years, calling out my tormenter, thinking that it was good for me to assert myself, even though it was exhausting, and hoping that I could convince my spouse to seek help. In reality, the calling out never did any good for either of us. Since finding Dr. Ramani I've learned to stop calling out my narc--and what a huge difference it has made in my life to "go gray rock." The inner peace is wonderful.

  • @scottyh8494
    @scottyh8494 2 роки тому +6

    Dr Ramini really knows her stuff. The one thing I have learnt in life, I can never change anyone else but myself. That is where the power is.

  • @elaineb9951
    @elaineb9951 3 роки тому +73

    Went gray rock and put up boundaries over year ago, finally had one last rage on me and told him to leave, together 18 years, after he left sent me nasty email that i was a callous person who wasn’t in love with him, how true but funny because i would call his cruelty and contempt the ultimate in callousness! Thank you for this segment Dr Ramani! 💚

    • @skymeadow7762
      @skymeadow7762 3 роки тому +7

      Good job sis, you Inspire me

    • @markgrieves1307
      @markgrieves1307 3 роки тому +5

      How funny that what they say you are is what they are. It took me a while to understand to flip every derogatory thing she said about me. He was a callous person who wasn't in love with YOU is the real truth of this. 👍

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +5

      Callous and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is such a natural easy flip for them it being hard for them to stay nice for long!

  • @randystache78
    @randystache78 3 роки тому +49

    After you said you wont have a deep relationship, but in reality, you never did... had to catchh myself from crying.

    • @9jemima
      @9jemima 3 роки тому +1

      Yeah, I thought my aunt and uncle were seeking types but what I've found is that they were seeking information about me. They would sometimes say how much they valued how much I truly shared the ups and downs of my life as a singlemother.But when I moved closer to the family geographically, all hell broke loose. And, they moved on over time from being full on flying monkeys to covert narrcissists as their determination toprotect what ever the status quo solidified and hardened. Against me. These people, whom I'd always regarded as rather deep, free thinkers--special--? Not so much. How far can you get with people who will never love the truth?

    • @sarahyip2825
      @sarahyip2825 3 роки тому +3

      For us deep types, the truth hurts but will also set us free! Tears are the first liberating moments. You will be fine... keep growing. 😇

  • @laurawilliams7407
    @laurawilliams7407 3 роки тому +29

    Married four decades without understanding what NPD was. Without even knowing it I was utilizing grey rock, not engaging, letting him rage (scary stuff) until he got so enraged by my indifference he turned on me physically and I had to flee. I’ve read many postings from women in 30-40+ relationships who are scared to leave. Embarrassed to admit to anyone else (let alone myself) that I failed at making it work, to admit what he actually was doing and that I had put up with it. Very mortifying stuff. But there will come a time when his actions become so intolerable that you reach your limit and say enough and you start to plan your escape. My escape was two years ago. I just found Dr. Ramani last October and discovered what narcissism really is. There’s so much freedom and relief once you see through all the years of gaslighting and that it wasn’t you all along. It was him. I definitely enabled it. Not anymore.

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +5

      Congratulations on your freedom!
      Sorry you had to go though so much.🦋

    • @CobaltContrast
      @CobaltContrast 3 роки тому +1

      Sounds like you went through a lot. Don't forget to get help. PTSD from a abusive relationship can go undiagnosed.

  • @maxspears6030
    @maxspears6030 2 роки тому +17

    I had to call out my adult son. I don’t play games. 2022 has been a year of cleansing, thanks to you Dr. Sister Ramani. These videos were lynch pins is obtaining understanding, closure, and freedom from narcissistic tyranny. Thank you. Happy 2023. ❤️🙌🏾❤️

    • @dammar117
      @dammar117 11 місяців тому +2

      It's heartbreaking when it's your own child. And you get zero support from anyone on top of that, because the assumption is that it's somehow your fault.

    • @ozzieenglelewis
      @ozzieenglelewis 10 місяців тому

      The wirst

  • @saratouray296
    @saratouray296 3 роки тому +74

    This came at the right time!

  • @Gmantrini
    @Gmantrini 3 роки тому +24

    After 8 months since the final discard, I’m at a place where all of this acceptance is firmly planted in me. It’s a sort of calm indifference

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 роки тому +6

      Being at peace...congratulations!

    • @bethlawrence4225
      @bethlawrence4225 3 роки тому +6

      Peace is the word that comes to mind. I'm there too. Beautiful.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +3

      Result of having given it all your being/effort in the past!

  • @raefischer118
    @raefischer118 3 роки тому +63

    Omg, I am so sick right now, in part from giving in to fighting and raging against the narcissist. It was not and is NOT WORTH IT. This video is the validation I needed. I am not weak for being quiet, and it's ok to lose at their game, that's how I will stay sane.

    • @gb3776
      @gb3776 3 роки тому +9

      @Rea Fischer. You can’t beat them at this game…don’t try. They will take you down a rabbit hole. And suck you like a vampire. The more you argue…the more energized they become. I read this quote somewhere. “HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS TO STAY SILENT WHEN SOMEONE EXPECT YOU TO BE ENRAGED”. Take back your power.

    • @madisonchristine2848
      @madisonchristine2848 3 роки тому +1

      I freakin HEAR THAT!! Me too!!!

    • @deannag4581
      @deannag4581 3 роки тому +1

      @@gb3776 Amen

    • @GingkoBlossom1
      @GingkoBlossom1 2 роки тому

      Not engaging is actually a win for you. Congrats.

  • @ali1235ali1235
    @ali1235ali1235 10 місяців тому +2

    Having lived with a narcissistic parent all my life, cannot express how useful these techniques are. The very few times I stepped my foot down (there were only 2) and told him off or sternly told him to stop treating my mum like that, it was far worse... not constructive at all. Didn't know this pattern of behaviour was called narcissism, but it is like you are describing my childhood now. Thank you so much for your valuable videos Doctor Ramani!

  • @kma7567
    @kma7567 2 роки тому +140

    I’ve spent years googling how my husband treats me trying to understand what was happening. I felt crazy! Nothing has ever fit the way narcissism does and now I feel so much peace. Thank you Dr. Ramani 💛

    • @lynx70123
      @lynx70123 2 роки тому +6

      Same here! But it's my mother who's the narc. Talk about life changing!

    • @ItsJustAdrean
      @ItsJustAdrean 2 роки тому +3

      As someone with a narc ex wife, do all the preparation you can before leaving. Let it be a surprise, and make yourself hard to find. They will smear you to all mutual acquaintances, kick you out of the house, cheat, and even come for your job. That's exactly what mine did

    • @aloop4283
      @aloop4283 2 роки тому

      Mine accuse me of cheating when m not and broke up with me ..5yrs reln vanished in a sec

    • @aloop4283
      @aloop4283 2 роки тому +1

      @Day :( but i feel so drained

    • @aloop4283
      @aloop4283 2 роки тому

      @Day thankyou dear stranger ❤️
      Jus one thing that keeps me hurting is he accused me of sleeping with other guy when he was in video call with me..m innocent ..he was totally paranoid guy alwayz accusing me of senseless things

  • @NandiniGupta1
    @NandiniGupta1 3 роки тому +108

    Have been struggling with this for 1.5 years now - that's when I first saw a talk from you Dr Ramini and had the breakthrough realization. I have been "calling my mom out" for a decade now (finally being able to put the right words to the sentiment thanks to your videos) and nothing but conflict and resentment has come from it. My naive voice keeps saying "maybe try saying it this way, at this time, when she's in this specific mood - maybe that will finally work!" But now I havw a more informed voice in my head correcting this thought - yours ❤️ thank you so much dr Ramini. Sending love from Canada

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 роки тому +6

      Mine wouldn't listen to 😵 anything, this lead to her being taken to rehab at 81 by social services, I helped them even though I'm 2 provinces away as I'm next of kin, golden child gone copper, they had to drag her back to detox with a Section 10 court order, that means she was a danger to herself and others, see ya never dementia diva, she's in a stuffy seniors residence bugging the 💩 out if them, 😀🌈🙋

    • @sigh_anna
      @sigh_anna 3 роки тому +10

      I have a South Asian narcissist mother. I feel your pain. Narcissism is celebrated in SA cultures. It is disgusting. Everyone looks the other way, parents manipulate, kids walk on eggshells. I moved far away, from Vancouver to Toronto after I got married. It was a sanity saver. You can't fix them, they are so twisted, it is disgusting.

    • @sigh_anna
      @sigh_anna 3 роки тому +7

      Moving far away also kept my kids a healthy distance from them.

    • @sigh_anna
      @sigh_anna 3 роки тому +5

      @@joseenoel8093 my narc mom was a Nurse, in a long term care ward. She would talk about how some people never had any visitors, and some had family visiting multiple times a week. It never clicked for her. She probably sided with the bitter old buggers who had no visitors. Her son, who was her favorite, is the one who gets to deal with her. I'm a glorious 4 provinces away 🤘

    • @kms5306
      @kms5306 3 роки тому +2

      Good for you - and wishing you much happiness and success!

  • @enmaniguada7216
    @enmaniguada7216 3 роки тому +33

    this channel is saving psychological health. finally got out of a narcissistic relationship after almost two years of emotional struggle and abuse... please don't do this to yourself, whoever is reading this. you are SO MUCH WORTH!

  • @MOAB-UT
    @MOAB-UT 2 роки тому +24

    GREAT TIP- do not call out a narcissist. It is a futile endeavor.

    • @susieneville5612
      @susieneville5612 2 роки тому +2

      They want you to call them out...they love an opportunity to vent and gaslight...it's a win for them cos they withold what u yearn for...accountability and fairness and understanding

    • @MOAB-UT
      @MOAB-UT 2 роки тому

      @@susieneville5612 I have noticed this yes. Recently I dealt with this. This person was crossing many lines- being very insulting and rude to me. I ignored as you said. I did not feed into it however he kept pushing and pushing and really pushing. When I finally got visibly upset (which is quite rare for me)- literally hours later, he had a smile on his face and gloated that "he finally got to me." Like it was a fun game for him. Some people achieve balance when they get a rise out of others. It satisfies some twisted itch they have. Literally, a minute later, he was trying to compliment me and shake my hand. He is a very sick individual. He thinks he won, but he really lost. He lost the potential for a great, mutually respectful relationship. I want nothing to do with this person ever again. Will I be civil- sure. Did I make a big deal of it the next day- no. Did I forget, heck no. He has since tried calling me. Not to apologize, but to act like nothing happen. It's repulsive. Cool heads usually prevail. Fortunately, I am not in a dependent relationship with this person. I wanted his friendship, but I do not need it. I no longer want anything to do with him actually- and I know my own value. I have a lot to offer. If abuse happens once, shame on them. If it happens twice, shame on me. People like this will never change unless they want to which is rare. He has a clear history of this behavior with others. I was hoping to be a friend to him- but he blew it.

  • @floofzykitty5072
    @floofzykitty5072 2 роки тому +384

    The friends that say "actually, you can't say narcissist, you're not a doctor" don't know that vast majority of narcissists will never be able to recognise they are a narcissist and will thus never go to a doctor and actually end up with a diagnosis. People who are affected by narcissists have to turn to unofficial diagnosis because there won't ever be an official one.

    • @annekerotterdam7499
      @annekerotterdam7499 2 роки тому +42

      Yes. Friend and family, all people who never 'experienced' narcissistic abuse won't believe you because it's not their reality. Too bizarre. Two doctors (narcs) told me: you can't make a diagnosis. Wel, I can reflect, analise and make a conclusion. Personal experience etc.

    • @prettyevil6662000
      @prettyevil6662000 2 роки тому +17

      My dad's actually diagnosed (forced by a court during divorce, because being forced is the only way they wind up getting diagnosed) and people *still* try to 'well akshually, it's really rare. Are you sure that's what it is?' me about his diagnosis. He brags about that diagnosis! Yes, I'm sure and why are people so intent on trying to be pedantic about this with someone who's expressing the abuse they're going through?

    • @prisonerohope6970
      @prisonerohope6970 2 роки тому +17

      @@prettyevil6662000 People obviously aren't well when they try to diminish you/your experience.

    • @ladysmith7747
      @ladysmith7747 2 роки тому +11

      I hear people throwing the word narcissist around pretty freely. At this point, it just means that they don`t like the person or the person displeased them in some way. The term is really overused at this point.

    • @ladysmith7747
      @ladysmith7747 2 роки тому +3

      @@prettyevil6662000 Simply reply that it is not an opinion, it is a diagnosis from a medical professional.

  • @lori-annefay4138
    @lori-annefay4138 3 роки тому +95

    "Ragey word salad mess" lmao, omg, I'll tell you a hundred times, you've saved my life. Thank you. Never have I felt more grounded and at peace. You make a difference in so many people's lives. May you be blessed.

  • @moimeme6533
    @moimeme6533 3 роки тому +215

    "..when you greyrock it's not a deep relationship - but the fact is, it never was."
    Oh to have developed this awareness 20+ years ago : /

    • @dianeplescia5565
      @dianeplescia5565 3 роки тому +7

      Forgive yourself and smile all the way to the bank that you did get it after all.

    • @rcomyns4664
      @rcomyns4664 3 роки тому +7

      Right? 75 years of wondering what I did to deserve the subtle chronic abuse from family, and finally I'm given the gift of truth and understanding. Hallelujah!

    • @minilevi8465
      @minilevi8465 2 роки тому +3

      I wish that for me too

    • @user-ue2pq5mi9h
      @user-ue2pq5mi9h 2 роки тому +1

      Same

    • @BluntlyHonest12
      @BluntlyHonest12 2 роки тому

      Grey rock?

  • @wholoves2hunt
    @wholoves2hunt Рік тому +19

    I thought i was mentally unstable,,,,my narcissist son repeatedly told me i was insane for saying something/anything factual. Thanks for these videos.I almost cried seeing someone saying exactly what I've lived thru. Wow.

  • @NineToes821
    @NineToes821 3 роки тому +145

    "Firewalling". I feel like I have to do this with everyone I meet: don't give out any personal details, secrets, or talk about feelings or anything sensitive until you've reached a sort of social critical mass with them, where you know that you can trust them. But even beyond that, I feel like you still have to keep some of those people there for security purposes.

    • @suedesignable
      @suedesignable 2 роки тому +11

      It is called self preservation because you have dealt with narcissistic abuse in the past. Narcissist abuse is a very hurtful and damaging type of abuse. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself from people until you can get to know them better. I think all of us survivor’s of narcissistic abuse tread lightly with relationships. I know I do now.

    • @narcssuckass
      @narcssuckass 2 роки тому +3

      Do not show any emotions but love they can’t say anything to that

    • @suedesignable
      @suedesignable 2 роки тому +2

      @@narcssuckass Very good advise but I bet you a thousand dollars my narc could actually turn that against you somehow😂😂❤️

    • @empress9857
      @empress9857 2 роки тому +1

      Yesss that’s one of my methods from this pt forward with anyone

  • @GrowWildOutdoors
    @GrowWildOutdoors 3 роки тому +23

    A cup of coffee and a Dr. Ramani video is a great way to start the day. Staying in control of my own frustration and emotions = priceless.

  • @hotmessgrandma2755
    @hotmessgrandma2755 3 роки тому +58

    These videos are my main go to for distraction! I'm glad there's so many of them. Every time I start missing him and start caving in to those feelings, I just watch another Dr. Ramani video👍🏻That's getting me through it❤

    • @rainingpatchouli4476
      @rainingpatchouli4476 3 роки тому +2

      Stay strong🌹♥️🌹

    • @kristakinney2324
      @kristakinney2324 3 роки тому

      Time truly does heal. You have to get rid of all things that are reminders and grieve him like he died a sudden tragic death. Closer the door on social media for a year. It's the hardest thing you will ever do but worth it in the end. Good luck to you on your journey.

  • @nickcarter4006
    @nickcarter4006 2 роки тому +6

    I read an article yesterday about “8 ways to SCARE a narcissist” and it horrified me: all things I would LOVE to do to my abuser, but utterly conflict inducing and asking for further trauma. The only good advice was at the end: run away and don’t look back. Thank you for this channel.

  • @ddseir1443
    @ddseir1443 3 роки тому +36

    If you analyze the video, it all comes down to just two things. Either go gray rock, have zero expectations, intimacy, emotional attachment, trust, or go full no contact. The rest are just variations of gray rocking or ways for you to distract your mind from wanting to call them out. Radical acceptance is good as a first step. N

    • @angaeltartarrose6484
      @angaeltartarrose6484 3 роки тому +1

      Really helped to radically accept that she's likely staying as she is, & i would rather use my time to find a better new friend, because to stay in this friendship is way too painful, even after forty-five years. She is on med amphetamines, steroids, & booze, & is presenting like a total narcissist now.

  • @paganpositiveperspectivean9358
    @paganpositiveperspectivean9358 2 роки тому +21

    I cried when it was said "literally make you sick". The narcissist i deal with has contributes to some much of the decline in my major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and exasperated my PTSD, that statement hit home. I have an autoimmune condition as well, and it's been a downhill struggle for me.

  • @vegasbaby888
    @vegasbaby888 3 роки тому +38

    I’m so tired of being with one (26 years) that the simple task of listening to this genius advice drains my soul. I just want to exist and die at my time, just knowing you will never be loved the way you know you deserve is just heart wrenching, it feels like a never ending cycle of maddens

    • @snehabhatt2417
      @snehabhatt2417 3 роки тому +2

      Love yourself 🤗

    • @Bestchoice2008
      @Bestchoice2008 2 роки тому +2

      You don’t have to stay

    • @theresagarr2987
      @theresagarr2987 2 роки тому +1

      That's where I am. It shouldn't be so difficult to be loved loved unconditionally & with kindness... If I am a believer in goodness, why am I attracting this crazy behavior from partners? During counseling I realized my expectations that they recognize their childish behavior. When the counselor started to focus on him In order to flesh out a healthier dynamic between us, game was up... counseling done 🥺 I suppose I'm the only one with the problem of tolerating that ridiculous behavior. Actually I did get divorced, however my current relationship produced the same type of man. Sadly?? that ended before Christmas. It still painful to believe that real love is so far away.

    • @snehabhatt2417
      @snehabhatt2417 2 роки тому +2

      Sorry to disappoint you Theresa. There is nothing like real love there are only good bargains, well negotiated barters, trade offs and deals. The ones who can do that appear to be being happy and having good relationships, the rest of us get used in relationships.

    • @marthaellenweirich5404
      @marthaellenweirich5404 2 роки тому +1

      God bewith you. You are loved

  • @amandab262
    @amandab262 2 роки тому +15

    If you can, leave the relationship. The sooner you get out the sooner you will start to feel better. It can be hard to believe that when you are in a relationship with this kind of person but you can have healthier relationships because it’s not you, it’s the narcissist. I’m so glad I left the relationship, my only regret is that I didn’t get out sooner.

  • @janeene24
    @janeene24 3 роки тому +36

    I’ve been doing all of these and my life has never been better! I feel happy and free. I wish I had know about this topic years ago. Would’ve saved me a lot of heartache. ♥️

  • @grey2684
    @grey2684 3 роки тому +48

    Honestly i just left my narcissistic family and it was the best decision ever!!! And its not like they were not aware of what they were doing, since a child they always knew what they were doing, what they are, and that it was harmful to me. So what i am saying is that is pointless to try and change it, focus on what is left of your life and not what is gone!

    • @susandipert-scott7811
      @susandipert-scott7811 3 роки тому +3

      It is good to read your comments. I went no contact with my family of origin 3 mo ago. I'm so glad I did. Life is so much better. And I have so much free time now!

    • @bonnieallen2430
      @bonnieallen2430 3 роки тому +3

      Yeah I had to go no contact too. I can’t do any of the firewall or the half-relationship. The abuse is still there whether I call her out or not so I just had to cut the ties completely to save myself.

    • @angaeltartarrose6484
      @angaeltartarrose6484 3 роки тому +4

      Really true: they do know what they are doing. They turn their tantrums on & off to get their way. Even their nice behaviors are calculated moves.

    • @bonnieallen2430
      @bonnieallen2430 3 роки тому +4

      Yes also my sister is always claiming she doesn't know why I've cut her off or what she's done. This last time I went no contact she texted my husband and said I just want to know why. So in addition to the abuse I've been running around chasing my tail for the last 40 years trying to explain to her what she's done and I realize that's a whole other and additional form of abuse and manipulation. Besides, each time I tried I was met with "I was stressed out," "I don't remember," "what ARE you talking about/where is this coming from/you're crazy" "that's not what i meant..." and on and on and on. I am done.

    • @amandaroberts5111
      @amandaroberts5111 3 роки тому +1

      @@bonnieallen2430 Wow, your sister sounds just like my elder brother, whenever l confronted him about his bad behaviour he would say exactly the same things, it really can drive one mad! I can't do grey rock as he is also my neighbour, but l have psychicly turned off in my soul. It will be superficial contact only from now on. l feel inner peace for the first time in ages. These videos have been like having an understanding friend, really helpful and supportive.

  • @leannesmith1207
    @leannesmith1207 3 роки тому +41

    "The world enables them, our laws enable them. IT'S NOT JUST YOU." - yes yes yes. I feel a calling to go into this work of helping people who are experiencing/have experienced narcissistic abuse specifically, and helping them through the process of transcending their pain and destruction from it. I want to help people realise their phoenix powers, just like I realised mine. I was just thinking a few minutes ago, how the heck am I ok now? I have no idea how I have come out the other side of all that hell. Of course, I have a long way to go and have inner work still left to do, but I am the most secure I have ever been in my life and have built my own life after all that. And now I feel like this undercover lightworker out in the working world and in the public, who can see immediately the interpersonal stuff going on in other people and groups and I do my best to use clever, careful ways to look out for people who are being treated badly and I support them the most I can, even in the most subtle ways.

    • @lovelylinda8891
      @lovelylinda8891 3 роки тому +4

      This is wonderful! Remember to stay safe... Not everyone is willing to receive help or even admit there's a problem.

    • @leannesmith1207
      @leannesmith1207 3 роки тому +1

      @@lovelylinda8891 thank you, that's so true

  • @Ali-dm2iw
    @Ali-dm2iw 2 роки тому +2

    Thankyou, this was so helpful. I don’t want anything from the narcissist, not even an apology, I just want justice.

  • @kathrynwhite2213
    @kathrynwhite2213 3 роки тому +62

    Dr. Ramani's 6 Alternatives to Calling Out the Narcissist:
    1) Just plain old don't call them out. Just don't do it. You have bigger decisions to make at this time.
    2) Put your energy into trying to find out what this is all about - understanding the pattern.
    3) Grey Rock - share nothing, & disengage. Be boring. Don't go deep.
    4) Have some other sounding boards, and sources of support - make sure they are not minions of the narcissist.
    5) Radical Acceptance - calling the narcissist out is pointless, and potentially harmful.
    6) Distraction - try to do something else and do not focus on the narcissist.
    You are never going to change this narcissist - consequences may change them, but it rarely happens to them; the world enables them: best thing that you can do is not contribute to the enabling.

    • @paulohlsson27
      @paulohlsson27 2 роки тому

      Hi Kathryn, how's your day going with you?

  • @mariaht7646
    @mariaht7646 3 роки тому +16

    You have no idea how much you have helped!!

  • @PrisantyaFridayana
    @PrisantyaFridayana 3 роки тому +29

    I did this.. I called out the narcissist and he didn't reject me but didn't accept it either
    You are right.. It's better just to leave them alone
    To their own world and to their own game

  • @skibsii
    @skibsii 2 роки тому +48

    I've never heard the term "Grey rocking" up until now, but I realize that I was hardcore practicing it a few months before I left a relationship with a narcissistic/mentally abusive friend. It's a good way to slowly withdraw from the relationship without an initial confrontation.
    Unfortunately, mine did end in a confrontation when they realized I was slipping away from them, and started to try to make me look like the bad guy to many of my friends...but now I'm finally free and much, much happier without them! :)