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My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.
Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on UA-cam and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.
I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narc; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com
I have to deny the concept that they are good lovers. I've never been with a narcissist, yet that was even competent, much less good. They just think they are the best.
Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.
I must say I have to respectfully disagree. Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off. Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person. Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc. Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave. Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on. I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.
100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤
All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.
@@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖
I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.
Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30
@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.
Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.
Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it
I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong
I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.
Empath here! To all survivors of this type of abuse, you're validated, and you matter! Don't give up on your healing journey! You're loved, and you're beautiful, no matter what your narc or ex narc says!
What exactly is an "empath"? Is that someone who isn't a narcissist or just someone who thinks they feel more than another person who isn't a narcissist?
@@tungstenanderson5991 no, an empath is someone who is very sensitive to the emotions of others. An empath tends to feel emotions very deeply, whether it's anger, happiness, or sadness. They can pick up on the emotional energy of others, even when they are not around a particular person.
THis has happened to me at least 3x. I have a friend who is also an empath who keeps attracting a narcissist. He gives me cringy vibes just looking at his picture, and gut instinct stomach aches.
@@lildarkfreak I hope so, too. She keeps attracting the same stuff, repeating the same pattern. SHe just got out of a relationship with a narcissist 3 years ago, and just met another. This guy on the social is just as pompous and hate filled.
This happened to me as well in my previous relationship. Before that people automatically got attracted to me as in initiating friendships and all because of how comfident and cool i was but after gettinf in to tjag relationship and it's 2 years post that but i still havent gained thsg confident which came naturally to me earlier
I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.
@@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.
It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldnt say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have her back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not
I feel your pain, after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘
I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!
Yea just ask yourself hmmm 🤔 if this was a movie would I want to end up with the weak character who doesn't stand for shit or the one with a backbone that nobody plays with 🤔 The fragile ones never last✌🏽
“A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏
These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.
Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤
The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.
It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.
“If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on. Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule. Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me. Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style. As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake. Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen. Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it. NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift. You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya! Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you. Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others. Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings. Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible. Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening. Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog. Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish. Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.
I’m shamed by my family for being too nice and friendly, they see my empathy as the problem and tell me to basically change who I am. When in reality I just need to set boundaries and discern who my kindness goes to. Really needed to hear this.
yeah exactly, It’s difficult to stop being friendly. because that’s how I am by default. Being guarded is just something I have to be constantly putting a mask on because it’s not who I am. It’s unfortunate I feel I have to do this because of the way other people are but I have learned a lesson to not be so trusting so fast for random people
Your ashamed because your family are nice and friendly? That doesn’t make any sense, sounds to me like they’re good people, and you are trying to stop them from being good people.
I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔
You are not alone with this. It's a horrible suffering, I know that I'm a better person now, but... After I lost so much. I know that my figure will be better, this experience must not be in vain. I wish you a lot of strength. Tomorrow will be better.
It might be hard now, but you will come out of it. If you believe in God, turn off that love you've poured into your partner and deepen your faith, go on a spiritual, mental and emotional journey of rediscovering yourself and enjoying life outside of them. There will be many tears, sleepless nights, confusion, and heart-wrenching pain on this journey, but you will get stronger. You will take your power back.
I can’t believe how many people are going through this… i am too in a narcissistic relationship and we have a toddler together 😢…. I see this man as the love of my life… and im just finding out how my empathy is what’s keeping us together 🤯
Crossing paths with a narcissist can actually give you some kind of super power. I spent a year with a narcissist, now it really takes me a couple of weeks to recognize the pattern and say goodbye. I was blessed with an amazing therapist and I'm so happy I'm still a really kind and giving person. By me being this way narcissists think they got it easy but they fool themselves because they tend to show their manipulative traits really early on and when I see that I cut them out IMMEDIATELY. I lost myself once and I'm not falling for this bs again, they really are all the same, it's like they have a script.
Dr Ramani, please don’t ever stop telling this truth! From my heart to yours, you are needed! Currently going through that dark night but I see the light.
I am so so grateful that we live in a time where we have online resources like this that so clearly state that the confusion we all experience in these relationships has a name. Can you imagine being in a narcissistic relationship back before anyone was talking about it and before there were resources to make you realize you’re not crazy??
I'm saying I think about that a lot. Especially back when women were treated like children and were supposed to be seen and not heard. Nobody even wanted to hear from us nonetheless. Any complaining?
Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.
I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.
I just realized my husband is narcissistic and will never change. He is covert and it’s only against me. He cheated Lon me and left. But I took him back. He continues with gaslighting , passive aggression. I’m so sick! Physically. I don’t know that to do .
the word impossible says "I'm possible." You need to keep your cards close to your chest - if you don't the narcissist will sabotage your exit plan. Been there, done that and never once looked back.
@@elizabethrodgers8616you have to be brave enough to reach out to someone. You have to be willing to rebuild your whole life. And I don't mean rebuild your whole personality and your upbringing because all that stuff is still there it's just being covered up with their b*******. Once you realize their behavior has nothing to do with you or is not your responsibility and you see the separateness come back you'll realize all of it is such a waste and you're trying to help someone that can't even be helped and why is it your job to even help them to begin with? Usually it comes down to low self-worth, and of course years of manipulation.
Started my journey with therapy this year, after reflecting I learnt that I attracted alot of narcissist in relationships/friendships, I now have a very supportive group of healthy friends around me who made me tap into therapy and heal myself. One thing I realised, narcissist love to make you feel inferior. Make you feel like your dreams are out of reach while they continue to suck the living soul out of you. The Volcano concept just blew my mind away. The world would be better if more people tapped into themselves and considered therapy. Thank you Dr.Ramani.
I was BEST friends with someone since we were 19... In our 20s and 30s, over time, my friend became mentally abusive with me, so we stopped speaking... In our 20s, it lasted for a few months... In our 30s, it was for 4 years... I started watching videos from Dr. Ramani a few years ago, because the abuse had become bad again... So, 3 years ago, I made the decision to stop speaking to my former friend. It is difficult... I miss good things about our friendship, but I NEVER miss the abuse, the gaslighting, the passive aggressive comments, the outright insults or walking on eggshells. So grateful.
This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot
Wow. What a wonderful conversation. I'm a licensed mental health professional and I work with a *lot* of narcissists. Dr Ramani is brilliant and KNOWS what she's talking about. Her compassionate directness is as gift.
I am speechless. I went through every single thing you are speaking on. At the time, I was completely in the dark. I got to a point where I was in a deep, dark hole. I feel as if I was having an out-of-body experience, my spirit was guiding my physical body, when I finally decided to go through the motions to get out of a toxic relationship. You are spot on when you talk about doing the smallest of tasks, checking the temperature, what time is it, learning to walk all over again. The grief came out of nowhere and the pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. The guilt, the blame, the weight of feeling inadequate and 100% personally wrong with everything in the world was almost unbearable. He has and had zero accountability and will still tell everyone what an amazing person he is and to my surprise and disbelief, I have zero care. I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I have no love, no hate, no vengeance, I simply just don't care. We even speak civilly from time to time. I never thought I would be where I am today. I don't know how but I survived and I am thriving. I am still a work in progress and pray that I have many, many more years to enjoy to make up for all of the time that I wasted on hating myself. Listening to you speak is as if you wrote my story. I am grateful that I came across your Podcast. Thank you
We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware. I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much
Wow. Survivor here… the destabilization, brick by brick, of the confident empath made my jaw drop and my hand turn up the volume. I can’t believe how this talk sums up the relationship that I’m currently exiting. The patterns, the way I kept being pulled back in, the way I disassociated and lost myself to pacify him and be whatever he seemed to need at the time but it was never enough. The love-bombing, the vulnerability I gave to him that was then weaponized against me later on in the relationship when he was bored of me or when I wasn’t what he wanted or giving enough of what he needed. I can go on and on but I’ll just be repeating everything that was said in this video. My heart just found a new sliver of peace to have this defined and explained so exactly. I’m in therapy and we’ve gone over some of the points in here, and today my therapist specifically pointed out my consistent level of empathy and kindness that I keep showing towards him even as we’re splitting up. He said that I shouldn’t want to lose that quality of myself, instead I need to heal and keep my empathy, while becoming more wise and discerning in future relationships. I appreciate this video so much. 🙏🏼💓
Not me sitting here with my eyes peeled back because everything she’s saying is what I deal with/do the part where she says “I’m gonna be what this harmful person needs me to be, and then there’s shame..” 😳
@@LifeintheMixofthings This is the mark of the beast. Narcissit steal the good fruits such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self control. Ex: when they force someone to be imaptient, they are stealing the fruit of patience. The cure is developing Christ like character. Narcissism is ant-Christ like character with bad fruits. As it is written in the bible, the tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and cast into fire. The smear campaign, spoiling the reputation is done as part of forcing someone to take up the mark of the beast, until the targets won't be allowed to buy or sell. Bible verses below. Revelation 13: 15 The second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that the image could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed. 16 It also forced all people, great and small, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hands or on their foreheads, 17 so that they could not buy or sell unless they had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of its name Revelation 14: 9 A third angel followed them and said in a loud voice: “If anyone worships the beast and its image and receives its mark on their forehead or on their hand, 10 they, too, will drink the wine of God’s fury, which has been poured full strength into the cup of his wrath. They will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb. 11 And the smoke of their torment will rise for ever and ever. There will be no rest day or night for those who worship the beast and its image, or for anyone who receives the mark of its name.” 12 This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus.
When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.
What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.
Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.
This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.
Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.
I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤
As an empath, consistently forgiving a narcissist for each transgression as time goes on, in order to survive, ends up basically turning you into an involuntary enabler.
I think once people realize that this is a deep psychological condition that is never healed or can be changed in the narcissist it will free up people from thinking they have any responsibility not that they had any to begin with
@@JayShettyPodcast. UA-cam algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! ua-cam.com/video/-bF2NyJ-ouI/v-deo.htmlsi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B Prof Sam Vaknin
Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️
How I grew up Had kids with one Was single for 10 years Ended up with another narcissist TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE
Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..
Me for 15 years mother and brother , now I am out , felt like shit even after having good job frinds , sab kuch tha , jab offce mein hoti thi feel like intelligent talent girl , jab Ghar ati thi under confident and sad ,because that's want they wanted to see me , i started behaving like how they expect
I understand your pain .we were a family of five, dealt with narcissist parents & two of my narcissist siblings. Life was a hell until I decided to walk away, now healing, sending you strength
Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.
I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏
Oh man, only 10 mins in, and this conversation hits home. I grew up with two narcissistic parents who completely failed to provide the building blocks I needed for a healthy life. When I turned 18, I left immediately. It was really scary. I had no identity or self-confidence. It felt like I was filled with shame my entire life. It took 25 years to realize that I have nothing to be shameful for. I have completely cut off contact with my parents, and it has been the best decision I've EVER made. I'm slowly gaining confidence and figuring out who I am. I have been going to therapy for the past few years and let me tell you.. it has been INSTRUMENTAL in my healing process. I was diagnosed with CPTSD because of the abuse. It all makes so much sense now. I hope anyone who has been in a similar situation has the means to get out of it. I was very lucky to have someone to run to when the opportunity presented itself. I'm now going to school for psychology, and I hope one day I can be the person I needed when I was a child.
This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤
He always said I should forgive and leave it means forgetting it. I told him I can forgive a person but I will never forget and that made him angry ever time…I’m in the trauma bond situation rn and I’m fighting it. Started to write a list of things he did to remind myself
What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship? You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever. Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry, narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the: “I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM” Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side. Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is. Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for. Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously. Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent. FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you. Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics) Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort. You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him. Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years. FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU. You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate. YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun. Don’t do that. Do exactly why you’re doing. Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in. Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share. At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone. Quora let’s you know you’re not alone. There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists. They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies. AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.
Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.
I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.
This is my life, but now that I’m aware and know what is happening, I’m so much stronger. Learned to initiate Boundaries and Grey Rock and finding myself again. Dr. Ramani gives us so much wisdom! You just have to implement it!!
I asked my narcissist partner to see a therapist to work on his lack of empathy and inhuman behaviour. I always felt hurt when he pushed me away when I would need him the most. He said he is too practical to be emotional. Finally left him, I mean, why not! thank you for this video
@@elsiewatts6567 I think the idea of empathy (an abstract idea) is related to human rights (codified globally and nationally). If you believe human rights are not for every single person on the planet, right away we'll disagree and are not starting from the same place. Regardless, do you have a reason as to why humans should not be expected to have even a shred of empathy? Because I think I've heard of some people before who decided that their "empathy" for others not considered kin, but a type of human nonetheless, could be demonstrated by kidnapping them and separating families to bring them to build a "new world" and pillage the existing inhabitants of said world. So personally I expect all humans to have empathy, it just gets displayed in different ways.
Narcissist do change if they have the passion to be a good person. Nothing is impossible for God when they seek his help to get rid of the evil ways where as if they don't want to change, no one can change them. Narcissism is anti christ like whereas the cure is developing Christ like character. Feed your soul with God's word.
Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.
I have been going through my healing journey feeling that I was alone. I am filled with so much hope and belief that the healing is worth it. Thank you for the encouragement!
Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.
Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.
Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous
@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings. Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.
@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)
Exactly.. simply put they are possessed. I ran for dear life. They find joy to mess up lives, looking for excuses to do evil and wickedness . No one can change them except Almighty God. Money can’t satisfy them, not satisfied with sex so they indulge in multiple partners which still doesn’t satisfy them. Date them but don’t settle in with them.
Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video
Tell me about it 😂 I was with a stalker who would watch me on spy cams & call to tell me they just felt I was looking in the mirror doing my hair to go out yet I have not shared any of my plans with him 🤷🏾♀️ went out & some man spoke to me then he called pretending he heard someone say hey asking who is that when it was jack silent in the background then came to visit me once I got home from a forced outing to relieve myself from his bullshit & proceeds to say he doesn't want a woman like that 😂😂 a woman who goes out to have fun with no man to answer to as he assumes that any real woman wants a man like him 😂😂 a man who is controlling & incapable of genuine connection because he's personally suppressed from living up to being a traitor ✌🏽 the jokes are themselves
the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me! I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.
Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.
Radical acceptance!! Yes!! Dr. Ramani is answering YEARS of questions for which I’ve been begging for answers. It took 38 years of searching for solutions, wading thru ineffective couples therapy, multiple separations followed by future faking promises to change, only to arrive at divorce at the end of 38 years of confusion . While the grief is VERY real, I haven’t felt this much peace in decades!! Dr. Ramani’s books and podcasts have been the light explaining all the things that previously confused me. THANK YOU for this podcast!!
Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏 I am healing and getting better everyday 💕 I can never go back to what broke me 👌 I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘 I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer
Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.
I cried listening to this...she described me who was the giver...I kept wondering why am I feeling this way ,only for me to stumble upon this and realise i was with a narcissist.... everything the specialist said defines that man its like a photocopy,love from Kenya, Africa
Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!
Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious. Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder. Such a good hear 🥹🥺
Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.
I needed this. At work at 4 am and just happen to see the title. I was in narcissistic relationship and I didnt want to believe it when people told me he only spoke to me cause he had no one else to listen to him. He manipulated and gaslighted me so much that I thought I was the problem. Months later I still feel sorry for him because I see the good in people but I love what she said. It’s okay for me to be empathetic and still not forgive🙏🏾 the grieve was really for me losing myself in the relationship and not losing him
Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.
I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all
Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right." Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now! Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.
I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.
I'm supposed to be studying right now but I will save this video later. Definitely a must ❤ She has gotten me to realize I was being manipulated hardcore and helped me ground myself and become level headed. Sometimes you just need to hear you're not crazy.
This video couldn’t have came at a better time. At first I was hesitant to watching it because I knew for a fact I’d start crying (I did) but listening to it really made me feel as though I wasn’t alone in it all. I recently ended an almost 5 year relationship with a victim style narcissist and I’m not making my way out of that really dark place. This video was a tough pill but I’m so grateful for it. My new favorite
Just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. We have 2 kids (& currently 3rd surprisingly on the way 🥲). I’ve been at the lowest point of my life while he goes off doing what he wants totally unaffected, but your podcasts are the reason I’m getting 1% better every day. Thank you Jay 🙏🏼
You’re amazing, a mom too, wow your kids will be proud. There is no words for the hurt and pain… you’re really not alone believe me a random stranger on the internet, that even though we’re miles away, I’m telling you heart to heart we’ve been at the same places and through the same feelings. Self love 1st always. I wish you the best sister❤️
This is so beautiful, having tears in my eyes with her last words. As a highly empathic person, I lived several abusive situations and built myself over and over a bit stronger. But sometimes I wonder why still narcisistic people are coming and why I am still engaging, even though the tolerance to remain and tolerate is less and I am able to leave faster. There is an element of guilt when I think I am uncapable of avoid entering such situations, but i know learning is happening slowly and her last words give inspiration to keep on this path with kindness. Thank you both, getting the book immediatelly ❤
Your life is never a waste. The good and bad are lessons building us for who we end up being in the end. It starts with you, be gentle with yourself, pick life back up and try another path.
Take it one day at a time. One goal at a time. You WILL Get there! Healing is a journey, it takes time. Dont give up! It gets better, and often it becomes more amazing than you could ever imagine.. But you have to do the work, rest , heal. Rooting for you!
The hardest part for me was accepting that I allowed or tolerated that someone treat me so poorly. The grief, and forgiving myself was tough. It really is processing the death of a life you Thought you had or were going to have, and when those rose colored glasses come off, the reality hits hard. 3 years out and still healing.
Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida
I ordered the book immediately as he held it up🌹We need more awareness around this topic. Knowing some people will never change is hurtful but you only hurt yourself more while trying to save them
It has completely broken me. I was a very confident woman whole, happy.. I fell in love and to this day I do not understand why I took all this abuse over and over again..Did I love too much? Cared too much? Forgive too much? In the process the pain is so intense that even when I went to therapy I could not explain it to the Dr. I face this struggle every day the pain, the longevity of the relationship, memories, a garbled mess!!! It takes complete removal from them, which hurts like hell, to heal I have my faith and prey a lot, and try to move thru the day as best as I can. I know time is the key and it will pass slowly. I look back in my life and look at the positive and many negative situations I was in and how I survived them. I am still here, very broken, hurt sad, but here…
Please don't call yourself a broken person. You are not. You and I were bonded by the trauma. We were normal and they are not. They cannot change. Stay focused on yourself and forgive yourself. This is not your shame...it is his but he is shameless.
To say the least, my X was raised in a toxic family environment. I knew and seen the red flags. I was empathic and hoped for the best. In the end. Just happy memories and sadness. Now, I will know better.
I find in my practice a connection between narcissistic bias/behavior and borderline personality disorder. The spontaneous, unprovoked rage and anger is a key component of both NPD and BPD. As you and many others have noted, the two often go "hand-in-glove". I totally agree with you with your comment about the negativity associated with the label "disorder". As you know as an experienced clinician, getting both the NPD and BPD patients just to show up for therapy is rare. In my experience, even "pro bono" therapy doesn't mean the patient will attend sessions. Their identity is associated with their disorders and the thought of change is unsettling to most. The "devil you know" syndrome? They are comfortable in crisis -- it has become "their friend". I am working on a thesis to show how the military, for many years, has addressed personality disorders in their recruits in a "systems approach". "Boot camp". By breaking down the individual to the core level, in a group setting, it has shown to neutralize many personality disorders. Sure some individuals are more resistant than others, but the military simply "turns up the heat" on those resistant cases. Outside the military, we call this "hitting bottom". The problem with "hitting bottom" is it happens in a non-clinical setting which is unpredictable and subject to irreversible harm (such as suicide).
My relationship of 4 years ended a few months ago. This makes me feel a lot more comfortable in what I was feeling, because i now know my feelings / thoughts were completely VALID!
The man i married is like my mother. Ive lived with self hatred, depression, suicidal ideation, self harm and anxiety. But for me learninf about narcissism is a huge relief. I dont blame myself and hate myself like i once did. I see i was depressed because life was a living hell. So glad it wasnt because i was bad. I have thought i was so bad that i deserved to be murdered. That if i wasnt alive anymore then i would relieve the burden of my failure. My parents still say," we dont know what went wrong with you and your brother." What a slap in the face.
My head is just spinning...it is amazing how I found this when I was having a conversation about this. I was truly guided here. Thank you for answering the questions I had and was seeking answers to. This was spot on! Everything this doctor said I could totally relate to.
What lesson did you learn from Dr. Ramani?
I’d like to invite you to join this community and subscribe to the channel. By hitting the 'Subscribe' button, you're not just becoming a subscriber - you're choosing to make a positive difference in your life.
😂😂 ! So funny man
My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.
2:07
Dismantled brick by brick struck a cord with me.
She rocks❤
Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on UA-cam and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.
Wow, you're an inspiration showing that it's never too late to get out. God bless you!
I am 40…. Now my turn to achieve green And I deserve better life
I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.
Good for you!@@Cy-bz9jh
🙏🏽👏🏽❤
When they keep getting angry at you for no reason , that is a BIG SIGN to go !!
And yet, you aren’t allowed to get upset about really big crap they do. It’s exhausting.
That irrational anger was so so frustrating.
I see people allowing their rage to spin out of control, where they become devoid of reason, like a mad dog. Do you try to reason with a mad dog?
@@jussgrayThat's how they push you away. You should leave ,run, don't look back!
So true.
I am a survivor. My motto is “Don’t look back, you are not going that way”.
❤❤❤
It’s like accepting a cat is not a dog. No matter how hard you try to train the cat- he’ll never be a dog!!!!
I don’t believe you can get off the train until you really understand it.
Forgiving them is different than allowing them to do it again!
💪🏽🙌🏽💯🥰
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narc; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com
I have to deny the concept that they are good lovers. I've never been with a narcissist, yet that was even competent, much less good. They just think they are the best.
You just described my dad perfectly.
This entire paragraph described my current partner in such a painfully accurate way. I know I need to let him go but it’s hard. 😕
Brilliant answer! Spot on. 🤩
Amazing Description....pretty much covered everything
Thank you, Jay for having me back on your podcast!
Dr. Ramani, you’re a certified badass ❤ I love listening to you talk, your insights are brilliant, entertaining and easy to understand. Thank you
Such a good verbal speaker ! How ??
Thank you for everything Doctor! You have helped so many.
You are a gift to this world both you and Jay. In my language (Cree-native american) we say Kinanaskomtin meaning I am extremely grateful
Thank YOU for being such a wonderful guest!
“ repeatedly forgiving a repeat perpetrator, actually harms the forgiver”.
Well this is good clarity!
Thank you.
❤❤❤
Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.
I must say I have to respectfully disagree.
Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off.
Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person.
Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc.
Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave.
Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on.
I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.
100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤
@@rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954yeah but they don't want to heal ..they wanna make others hurt
The loss of yourself when you’re in a narcissistic relationship is so sad
And it is so hard to try and rediscover yourself. You feel like a shell of your former self since doubt is your normal.
It's taken me years to recover. I still feel shamed.
@@dixiewinxeqandmore356
I no longer feel shame.
I feel anger and regret for the years that I lost.
All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.
@@meetalisingh5874 😔
The grief is how much you loss yourself in this relationship. It hits home.
Yess! 😢..
One day I woke up feeling so empty. I had no idea who I was and couldn't remember who I use to be.
Yes
Wow!! Empathy as a trauma/survival response!! That resonated with me for sure. I’ve tolerate so much bs in the name of empathy!!
Agree June..my narc mother tried to destroy me, body and soul. She died 20 years ago and I'm still dealing with the cruel words and deeds.
@@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖
Me to it does get old doesn’t it? I’m the one who gives complements to be nice even if someone still hurts me I tend to get over things quickly
@@mariahconklin4150I’m the same! It’s so draining.
Can Dr.pores send to me in UK?
I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.
Whew! That sounds so familiar!
Did you suffer from anxiety of any sort?
Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30
@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.
My ex was only dx with NPD because of marital counseling. Never would have gone on his own.
Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.
Hope you are doing well, and are able to get through the storm. 🙏
Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it
Love yourself.. self care
You can heal. Focus on the people you can love
I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong
I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.
Empath here! To all survivors of this type of abuse, you're validated, and you matter! Don't give up on your healing journey! You're loved, and you're beautiful, no matter what your narc or ex narc says!
😢😞💔
Or What the flying monkeys say.
❤❤❤
What exactly is an "empath"? Is that someone who isn't a narcissist or just someone who thinks they feel more than another person who isn't a narcissist?
@@tungstenanderson5991 no, an empath is someone who is very sensitive to the emotions of others. An empath tends to feel emotions very deeply, whether it's anger, happiness, or sadness. They can pick up on the emotional energy of others, even when they are not around a particular person.
“This thing dismantled me brick by brick. I was really well put together when I met this person.” 100% 😔
THis has happened to me at least 3x. I have a friend who is also an empath who keeps attracting a narcissist. He gives me cringy vibes just looking at his picture, and gut instinct stomach aches.
That gut instinct never lies!! Hoping your friend will get out/away safely, sooner than later.
@@lildarkfreak I hope so, too. She keeps attracting the same stuff, repeating the same pattern. SHe just got out of a relationship with a narcissist 3 years ago, and just met another. This guy on the social is just as pompous and hate filled.
This happened to me as well in my previous relationship. Before that people automatically got attracted to me as in initiating friendships and all because of how comfident and cool i was but after gettinf in to tjag relationship and it's 2 years post that but i still havent gained thsg confident which came naturally to me earlier
Yeah same here.
I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.
Forgiveness must be earned. I would never recommend someone to just give it away as a door prize either. The popular advice to do so is toxic af.
Forgiveness is for the perpetrator not the victim. That’s what society especially Bible thumpers have wrong.
@@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.
Yep hopefully the devil got them and the pitch fork is sharp.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽✅✅
It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.
Actually I became very sick. My autoimmune illness is never in remission. I have severe SLE Lupus.
Yes sadly 😢
Thank you for saying this. It really helped me
Absolutely so true 🙏
Dating a Narcissist and being perimenopausel is super confusing 😭
@@elizabethrodgers8616Omg my lupus sis.I have Lupus too 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldnt say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have her back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not
I feel your pain, after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘
I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!
The serpent enticed you and you ate the forbidden fruit.
Yea just ask yourself hmmm 🤔 if this was a movie would I want to end up with the weak character who doesn't stand for shit or the one with a backbone that nobody plays with 🤔
The fragile ones never last✌🏽
Happy for you! May your relationship be blessed.
Ignore these weird comments
It's amazing how ladies always think they are the ones who does right. I can't get it.
@@Anthonyjames-ue1hjamazing how men often abuse women and children and move on with impunity to do it to new women
The longer a person is in a narcissistic relationship, the longer they have to abandon themselves. Whew! That right there!! 🎯🎯🎯
Wow 😮
Long..... 35 years
👏👍
That is your own truth, not everyone on the planet, remember that.
10 years
“A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏
Yes
That's exactly it! That's how you know.... 🙏
it’s ESSENTIAL: flexibility. a key to life game. stay teachable. be flexible
Wow ! Definitely a gamer-changer because most don’t have this slot of flexibility in basic communication let alone a relationship.😩
I never thought of that, good point 😊
These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.
Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤
Facts!
Disrespect and abuse is closure. No contact is the permanent solution!
The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.
It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.
“If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on.
Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule.
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me.
Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style.
As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake.
Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen.
Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it.
NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping
Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift.
You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya!
Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you.
Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others.
Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings.
Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible.
Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening.
Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck
Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish.
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
Is that spy site legitimate?
@@E5996-c3v yep.
yep.
GREAT READ - thanks
I need to confirm my gut feeling. Thanks for sharing your story.
I went through all of this with no guidance. It forever changed me. There aren't words for the pain. Never again. Never. ❤
Oh I hope you are alright, seek help if you are suffering.
I resonate. ❤ I've heard it called the "Dark Night of the Soul" from PTSD. to Peace 😊 # Education # No Contact!
I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.
@@lynnebucher6537 we learn and we grow. It's all we can do. ❤
Your words resonate with me. No words for the pain! It's changed me. Betrayal/abuse I would not wish on anyone! # healing. Namaste 🙏 ❤
I’m shamed by my family for being too nice and friendly, they see my empathy as the problem and tell me to basically change who I am. When in reality I just need to set boundaries and discern who my kindness goes to. Really needed to hear this.
yeah exactly, It’s difficult to stop being friendly. because that’s how I am by default. Being guarded is just something I have to be constantly putting a mask on because it’s not who I am. It’s unfortunate I feel I have to do this because of the way other people are but I have learned a lesson to not be so trusting so fast for random people
Your ashamed because your family are nice and friendly? That doesn’t make any sense, sounds to me like they’re good people, and you are trying to stop them from being good people.
@@elsiewatts6567 “I’m shamed” not “I am ashamed”
I'm proud of you, good luck with setting healthy boundaries!
@@elsiewatts6567re read, you didn't understand at all
I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔
Wish I could've comforted you with a warm hug.
Sending you my good wishes 🤗
You are not alone with this. It's a horrible suffering, I know that I'm a better person now, but... After I lost so much. I know that my figure will be better, this experience must not be in vain. I wish you a lot of strength. Tomorrow will be better.
It might be hard now, but you will come out of it. If you believe in God, turn off that love you've poured into your partner and deepen your faith, go on a spiritual, mental and emotional journey of rediscovering yourself and enjoying life outside of them. There will be many tears, sleepless nights, confusion, and heart-wrenching pain on this journey, but you will get stronger. You will take your power back.
I can’t believe how many people are going through this… i am too in a narcissistic relationship and we have a toddler together 😢…. I see this man as the love of my life… and im just finding out how my empathy is what’s keeping us together 🤯
Listen, I realize I do not know you but I have the same issues. Start thinking and not reacting. Do you really want this lousy life? Get out of there.
I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse. This is a beautiful dialogue & it’s so beautiful to know how much impact this podcast will have on our world ❤
Crossing paths with a narcissist can actually give you some kind of super power. I spent a year with a narcissist, now it really takes me a couple of weeks to recognize the pattern and say goodbye. I was blessed with an amazing therapist and I'm so happy I'm still a really kind and giving person. By me being this way narcissists think they got it easy but they fool themselves because they tend to show their manipulative traits really early on and when I see that I cut them out IMMEDIATELY. I lost myself once and I'm not falling for this bs again, they really are all the same, it's like they have a script.
The best method for determining if someone is a narcissist is to be in a relationship with one. The patterns are very distinct .
Don't need to be in a relationship with someone named Bob to tell he's a miserable demon
Dr Ramani, please don’t ever stop telling this truth! From my heart to yours, you are needed! Currently going through that dark night but I see the light.
I am so so grateful that we live in a time where we have online resources like this that so clearly state that the confusion we all experience in these relationships has a name. Can you imagine being in a narcissistic relationship back before anyone was talking about it and before there were resources to make you realize you’re not crazy??
I was. No one believed me. It was horrible and confusing. I was judged and told to submit. Now I know what and who I am dealing with.
I'm saying I think about that a lot. Especially back when women were treated like children and were supposed to be seen and not heard. Nobody even wanted to hear from us nonetheless. Any complaining?
@@chenanigans Women were treated like unpaid servants, children were treated way better that.
Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.
Agreed! ❤
I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.
I just realized my husband is narcissistic and will never change. He is covert and it’s only against me. He cheated Lon me and left. But I took him back.
He continues with gaslighting , passive aggression.
I’m so sick! Physically. I don’t know that to do .
the word impossible says "I'm possible." You need to keep your cards close to your chest - if you don't the narcissist will sabotage your exit plan. Been there, done that and never once looked back.
@@elizabethrodgers8616you have to be brave enough to reach out to someone. You have to be willing to rebuild your whole life. And I don't mean rebuild your whole personality and your upbringing because all that stuff is still there it's just being covered up with their b*******. Once you realize their behavior has nothing to do with you or is not your responsibility and you see the separateness come back you'll realize all of it is such a waste and you're trying to help someone that can't even be helped and why is it your job to even help them to begin with? Usually it comes down to low self-worth, and of course years of manipulation.
Similar to Stockholm Syndrome
Started my journey with therapy this year, after reflecting I learnt that I attracted alot of narcissist in relationships/friendships, I now have a very supportive group of healthy friends around me who made me tap into therapy and heal myself. One thing I realised, narcissist love to make you feel inferior. Make you feel like your dreams are out of reach while they continue to suck the living soul out of you. The Volcano concept just blew my mind away. The world would be better if more people tapped into themselves and considered therapy. Thank you Dr.Ramani.
I was BEST friends with someone since we were 19... In our 20s and 30s, over time, my friend became mentally abusive with me, so we stopped speaking... In our 20s, it lasted for a few months... In our 30s, it was for 4 years... I started watching videos from Dr. Ramani a few years ago, because the abuse had become bad again... So, 3 years ago, I made the decision to stop speaking to my former friend. It is difficult... I miss good things about our friendship, but I NEVER miss the abuse, the gaslighting, the passive aggressive comments, the outright insults or walking on eggshells. So grateful.
This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot
That's so true. You think "why the hell was I so nice to him/her?" All you did for them and only got hell back...
If everyone had well-developed self-worth and boundaries no one would even consider a hardcore narcissist
Wow. What a wonderful conversation. I'm a licensed mental health professional and I work with a *lot* of narcissists. Dr Ramani is brilliant and KNOWS what she's talking about. Her compassionate directness is as gift.
At 54, can he change?
POINT BLANK NO!!!!!!@@balkogirl91
N
@@balkogirl91
I’m a narcissist and it’s ruining my relationships… please how do I get help?
I am speechless. I went through every single thing you are speaking on. At the time, I was completely in the dark. I got to a point where I was in a deep, dark hole. I feel as if I was having an out-of-body experience, my spirit was guiding my physical body, when I finally decided to go through the motions to get out of a toxic relationship. You are spot on when you talk about doing the smallest of tasks, checking the temperature, what time is it, learning to walk all over again. The grief came out of nowhere and the pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. The guilt, the blame, the weight of feeling inadequate and 100% personally wrong with everything in the world was almost unbearable. He has and had zero accountability and will still tell everyone what an amazing person he is and to my surprise and disbelief, I have zero care. I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I have no love, no hate, no vengeance, I simply just don't care. We even speak civilly from time to time. I never thought I would be where I am today. I don't know how but I survived and I am thriving. I am still a work in progress and pray that I have many, many more years to enjoy to make up for all of the time that I wasted on hating myself. Listening to you speak is as if you wrote my story. I am grateful that I came across your Podcast. Thank you
Dr Ramani will never ever ever know just how much she has helped me. May God bless her will all that she needs and wants.❤
❤❤❤
Amen 🌄
We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware.
I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much
Completely agree!
Wow. Survivor here… the destabilization, brick by brick, of the confident empath made my jaw drop and my hand turn up the volume. I can’t believe how this talk sums up the relationship that I’m currently exiting. The patterns, the way I kept being pulled back in, the way I disassociated and lost myself to pacify him and be whatever he seemed to need at the time but it was never enough. The love-bombing, the vulnerability I gave to him that was then weaponized against me later on in the relationship when he was bored of me or when I wasn’t what he wanted or giving enough of what he needed. I can go on and on but I’ll just be repeating everything that was said in this video. My heart just found a new sliver of peace to have this defined and explained so exactly. I’m in therapy and we’ve gone over some of the points in here, and today my therapist specifically pointed out my consistent level of empathy and kindness that I keep showing towards him even as we’re splitting up. He said that I shouldn’t want to lose that quality of myself, instead I need to heal and keep my empathy, while becoming more wise and discerning in future relationships. I appreciate this video so much. 🙏🏼💓
Wonderful❤
Not me sitting here with my eyes peeled back because everything she’s saying is what I deal with/do the part where she says “I’m gonna be what this harmful person needs me to be, and then there’s shame..” 😳
@@LifeintheMixofthings This is the mark of the beast. Narcissit steal the good fruits such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self control. Ex: when they force someone to be imaptient, they are stealing the fruit of patience. The cure is developing Christ like character. Narcissism is ant-Christ like character with bad fruits. As it is written in the bible, the tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and cast into fire. The smear campaign, spoiling the reputation is done as part of forcing someone to take up the mark of the beast, until the targets won't be allowed to buy or sell. Bible verses below.
Revelation 13:
15 The second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that the image could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed. 16 It also forced all people, great and small, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hands or on their foreheads, 17 so that they could not buy or sell unless they had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of its name
Revelation 14:
9 A third angel followed them and said in a loud voice: “If anyone worships the beast and its image and receives its mark on their forehead or on their hand, 10 they, too, will drink the wine of God’s fury, which has been poured full strength into the cup of his wrath. They will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb. 11 And the smoke of their torment will rise for ever and ever. There will be no rest day or night for those who worship the beast and its image, or for anyone who receives the mark of its name.” 12 This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus.
When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.
What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.
Our families groomed us.
Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.
This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.
The Pharsees n king saul are typical example
Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.
I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤
😂❤@@teresadvorak6145
As an empath, consistently forgiving a narcissist for each transgression as time goes on, in order to survive, ends up basically turning you into an involuntary enabler.
I think once people realize that this is a deep psychological condition that is never healed or can be changed in the narcissist it will free up people from thinking they have any responsibility not that they had any to begin with
Forgiving doesn’t mean you trust them. Trust is earned
“I don’t know who I am anymore” My biggest takeaway is being validated from this video. I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you ❤
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@@JayShettyPodcast. UA-cam algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! ua-cam.com/video/-bF2NyJ-ouI/v-deo.htmlsi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B
Prof Sam Vaknin
Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️
How I grew up
Had kids with one
Was single for 10 years
Ended up with another narcissist
TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT
I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED
CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM
HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE
I feel you...we need to heal on a daily basis
Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..
Me for 15 years mother and brother , now I am out , felt like shit even after having good job frinds , sab kuch tha , jab offce mein hoti thi feel like intelligent talent girl , jab Ghar ati thi under confident and sad ,because that's want they wanted to see me , i started behaving like how they expect
I understand your pain .we were a family of five, dealt with narcissist parents & two of my narcissist siblings. Life was a hell until I decided to walk away, now healing, sending you strength
Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.
For me it was 32 years with a covert narc.
I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani
Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares
It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏
@@LauraDinh-ui6rd There is nothing quite like that first breath of freedom when you have finally escaped!! It's intoxicating!
Oh man, only 10 mins in, and this conversation hits home. I grew up with two narcissistic parents who completely failed to provide the building blocks I needed for a healthy life. When I turned 18, I left immediately. It was really scary. I had no identity or self-confidence. It felt like I was filled with shame my entire life. It took 25 years to realize that I have nothing to be shameful for. I have completely cut off contact with my parents, and it has been the best decision I've EVER made. I'm slowly gaining confidence and figuring out who I am. I have been going to therapy for the past few years and let me tell you.. it has been INSTRUMENTAL in my healing process. I was diagnosed with CPTSD because of the abuse. It all makes so much sense now. I hope anyone who has been in a similar situation has the means to get out of it. I was very lucky to have someone to run to when the opportunity presented itself. I'm now going to school for psychology, and I hope one day I can be the person I needed when I was a child.
🙌🏾
This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤
So you still with him?
I'm so happy to be alive during Dr. Ramani's existence. She is truly an expert in the field and one of the most knowledgeable people on narcissism.
Dr. Ramani is killing it 🔥🔥 Loving all these conversations and her latest book “ It’s Not You” 💛🙏🏽
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He always said I should forgive and leave it means forgetting it. I told him I can forgive a person but I will never forget and that made him angry ever time…I’m in the trauma bond situation rn and I’m fighting it. Started to write a list of things he did to remind myself
38 years married to one. I wish I had known this way back then. Thank you for trying to educate people before they have to live through HELL
What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship?
You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever.
Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry,
narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the:
“I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM”
Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side.
Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is.
Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for.
Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously.
Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent.
FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you.
Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics)
Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort.
You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him.
Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years.
FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU.
You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate.
YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun.
Don’t do that.
Do exactly why you’re doing.
Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in.
Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share.
At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone.
Quora let’s you know you’re not alone.
There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists.
They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies.
AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.
Just know you are precious! That's probably why the narcissist hand picked you. ❤️ Sorry to hear
15 yrs🙋🏽♀️ and going
@@Callmebianca-j2w ?
Do you know what happened to him? Has he ever become a better person?
Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.
I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.
Amen.
This is my life, but now that I’m aware and know what is happening, I’m so much stronger. Learned to initiate Boundaries and Grey Rock and finding myself again. Dr. Ramani gives us so much wisdom! You just have to implement it!!
I asked my narcissist partner to see a therapist to work on his lack of empathy and inhuman behaviour. I always felt hurt when he pushed me away when I would need him the most. He said he is too practical to be emotional. Finally left him, I mean, why not! thank you for this video
Too practical to be emotional? Wow, that's a new one.
So do you think it’s inhumane for people do not have empathy? Since when has it been labelled that humans have to have empathy?
Narcs don't seek help as they do not think they have an issue.
@@elsiewatts6567good question. I don’t have answer though :)
@@elsiewatts6567 I think the idea of empathy (an abstract idea) is related to human rights (codified globally and nationally). If you believe human rights are not for every single person on the planet, right away we'll disagree and are not starting from the same place.
Regardless, do you have a reason as to why humans should not be expected to have even a shred of empathy? Because I think I've heard of some people before who decided that their "empathy" for others not considered kin, but a type of human nonetheless, could be demonstrated by kidnapping them and separating families to bring them to build a "new world" and pillage the existing inhabitants of said world. So personally I expect all humans to have empathy, it just gets displayed in different ways.
Narcissist will NOT change!
I've learned that the hard way!
Louder!!!!
Yup and they are always on the pursuit of a new victim, so never feel bad about them being alone. Leave and never look back
Nope. They never change. It worsens as they age too
Narcissist do change if they have the passion to be a good person. Nothing is impossible for God when they seek his help to get rid of the evil ways where as if they don't want to change, no one can change them. Narcissism is anti christ like whereas the cure is developing Christ like character. Feed your soul with God's word.
Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.
Yes. But I have empathy for the handicapped kids she’s feeding off… and all the unwitting flying monkeys that support her!
🎉I can relate
I have been going through my healing journey feeling that I was alone. I am filled with so much hope and belief that the healing is worth it. Thank you for the encouragement!
Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.
So real
You feel grief too, for losing the person who you potentially thought was really there but who was only pretending to be good
I want to come back and read this, if you see this, just like, I need this reminder, be cold and unavailable
I felt this one
How can you be cold when your heart is cracked open and you’re sad about what you lost (aka what you never had)?
There's definitely a spiritual component to this. Empath vs narc, light vs dark dynamic!
I believe NPD is a form of demon possession - no doubt at all.
i believe this too
Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.
I think that too
No it’s not
I thought as long as i stayed single, I'd be safe from narcissistic relationships. I was so naive
You are teaching me so much, thank you.
This was basically a therapy session, and I’m so thankful for it!
Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous
Hi, can I ask what do u mean by premeditated and dangerous?
@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings.
Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.
@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)
@@healthbar8439 this descrihes a covert narcissist
@@healthbar8439you have put it so accurately -
The name they had for it before narcissism was EVIL
It is evil. It is demonic as a matter of fact.
The evil who has potential to be criminals.
Exactly.. simply put they are possessed. I ran for dear life. They find joy to mess up lives, looking for excuses to do evil and wickedness . No one can change them except Almighty God. Money can’t satisfy them, not satisfied with sex so they indulge in multiple partners which still doesn’t satisfy them. Date them but don’t settle in with them.
Devil suits them better. They don't act like humans.
So true. 😂
Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video
I think it’s even more difficult for men because people don’t equate narcissism with women.
Tell me about it 😂 I was with a stalker who would watch me on spy cams & call to tell me they just felt I was looking in the mirror doing my hair to go out yet I have not shared any of my plans with him 🤷🏾♀️ went out & some man spoke to me then he called pretending he heard someone say hey asking who is that when it was jack silent in the background then came to visit me once I got home from a forced outing to relieve myself from his bullshit & proceeds to say he doesn't want a woman like that 😂😂 a woman who goes out to have fun with no man to answer to as he assumes that any real woman wants a man like him 😂😂 a man who is controlling & incapable of genuine connection because he's personally suppressed from living up to being a traitor ✌🏽 the jokes are themselves
The empathy and forgiveness part is massive. Thank you for sharing that
the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me!
I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.
I needed this, 8 months in my healing journey. What a great conversation.
❤❤❤ You got this!
Good for you!
@@JayShettyPodcast.What about you? Heard you are a f r a u d
Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.
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How do you heal that ptsd when you’re still in it
Radical acceptance!! Yes!! Dr. Ramani is answering YEARS of questions for which I’ve been begging for answers. It took 38 years of searching for solutions, wading thru ineffective couples therapy, multiple separations followed by future faking promises to change, only to arrive at divorce at the end of 38 years of confusion . While the grief is VERY real, I haven’t felt this much peace in decades!! Dr. Ramani’s books and podcasts have been the light explaining all the things that previously confused me. THANK YOU for this podcast!!
Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏
I am healing and getting better everyday 💕
I can never go back to what broke me 👌
I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority
I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘
I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer
@emmahayles1207 thanks 😊
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Amen “ My mental health is my top priority “ I kept telling myself this when I got the strength to walk away from my ex
Discernment is tantamount when dealing in any relationship. I take the responsibility for whom I deal with . Live and learn.
Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.
I cried listening to this...she described me who was the giver...I kept wondering why am I feeling this way ,only for me to stumble upon this and realise i was with a narcissist.... everything the specialist said defines that man its like a photocopy,love from Kenya, Africa
Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!
Thank YOU!
Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious.
Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder.
Such a good hear 🥹🥺
Thank you for watching!
Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.
Well, I forgive , but told him I’m not God, I can’t forget. Gone dissociated, cuz I can’t go no contact!
I needed this. At work at 4 am and just happen to see the title. I was in narcissistic relationship and I didnt want to believe it when people told me he only spoke to me cause he had no one else to listen to him. He manipulated and gaslighted me so much that I thought I was the problem. Months later I still feel sorry for him because I see the good in people but I love what she said. It’s okay for me to be empathetic and still not forgive🙏🏾 the grieve was really for me losing myself in the relationship and not losing him
Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.
I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all
Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right."
Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now!
Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.
Forgiveness is an illusion. ❤
I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.
Forgiveness never happens fully … we will move on without them … that’s all
I'm supposed to be studying right now but I will save this video later. Definitely a must ❤ She has gotten me to realize I was being manipulated hardcore and helped me ground myself and become level headed. Sometimes you just need to hear you're not crazy.
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This video couldn’t have came at a better time. At first I was hesitant to watching it because I knew for a fact I’d start crying (I did) but listening to it really made me feel as though I wasn’t alone in it all. I recently ended an almost 5 year relationship with a victim style narcissist and I’m not making my way out of that really dark place. This video was a tough pill but I’m so grateful for it. My new favorite
Just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. We have 2 kids (& currently 3rd surprisingly on the way 🥲). I’ve been at the lowest point of my life while he goes off doing what he wants totally unaffected, but your podcasts are the reason I’m getting 1% better every day. Thank you Jay 🙏🏼
You’re amazing, a mom too, wow your kids will be proud. There is no words for the hurt and pain… you’re really not alone believe me a random stranger on the internet, that even though we’re miles away, I’m telling you heart to heart we’ve been at the same places and through the same feelings. Self love 1st always. I wish you the best sister❤️
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This is so beautiful, having tears in my eyes with her last words. As a highly empathic person, I lived several abusive situations and built myself over and over a bit stronger. But sometimes I wonder why still narcisistic people are coming and why I am still engaging, even though the tolerance to remain and tolerate is less and I am able to leave faster. There is an element of guilt when I think I am uncapable of avoid entering such situations, but i know learning is happening slowly and her last words give inspiration to keep on this path with kindness. Thank you both, getting the book immediatelly ❤
My life has been wasted with narcissist abuse, there's nothing worse than being alone and feeling that you're a ghost who use to smile!
You're alone even when you're with them!
Your life is never a waste. The good and bad are lessons building us for who we end up being in the end. It starts with you, be gentle with yourself, pick life back up and try another path.
Take it one day at a time. One goal at a time. You WILL Get there! Healing is a journey, it takes time. Dont give up! It gets better, and often it becomes more amazing than you could ever imagine.. But you have to do the work, rest , heal. Rooting for you!
The hardest part for me was accepting that I allowed or tolerated that someone treat me so poorly. The grief, and forgiving myself was tough. It really is processing the death of a life you Thought you had or were going to have, and when those rose colored glasses come off, the reality hits hard. 3 years out and still healing.
@@francoisgouws7288this!!! I have been alone for a very long time. These people do not want a partnership like normal couples have. We are just used.
Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida
I ordered the book immediately as he held it up🌹We need more awareness around this topic. Knowing some people will never change is hurtful but you only hurt yourself more while trying to save them
It has completely broken me. I was a very confident woman whole, happy.. I fell in love and to this day I do not understand why I took all this abuse over and over again..Did I love too much? Cared too much? Forgive too much? In the process the pain is so intense that even when I went to therapy I could not explain it to the Dr. I face this struggle every day the pain, the longevity of the relationship, memories, a garbled mess!!! It takes complete removal from them, which hurts like hell, to heal I have my faith and prey a lot, and try to move thru the day as best as I can. I know time is the key and it will pass slowly. I look back in my life and look at the positive and many negative situations I was in and how I survived them. I am still here, very broken, hurt sad, but here…
Please don't call yourself a broken person. You are not. You and I were bonded by the trauma. We were normal and they are not. They cannot change. Stay focused on yourself and forgive yourself. This is not your shame...it is his but he is shameless.
It’s not because we love too much, it is because we forget to include ourselves in the love, and to care about our own suffering!
@@goldieshawel8683exactly
To say the least, my X was raised in a toxic family environment. I knew and seen the red flags. I was empathic and hoped for the best. In the end. Just happy memories and sadness. Now, I will know better.
I find in my practice a connection between narcissistic bias/behavior and borderline personality disorder. The spontaneous, unprovoked rage and anger is a key component of both NPD and BPD. As you and many others have noted, the two often go "hand-in-glove". I totally agree with you with your comment about the negativity associated with the label "disorder". As you know as an experienced clinician, getting both the NPD and BPD patients just to show up for therapy is rare. In my experience, even "pro bono" therapy doesn't mean the patient will attend sessions. Their identity is associated with their disorders and the thought of change is unsettling to most. The "devil you know" syndrome? They are comfortable in crisis -- it has become "their friend". I am working on a thesis to show how the military, for many years, has addressed personality disorders in their recruits in a "systems approach". "Boot camp". By breaking down the individual to the core level, in a group setting, it has shown to neutralize many personality disorders. Sure some individuals are more resistant than others, but the military simply "turns up the heat" on those resistant cases. Outside the military, we call this "hitting bottom". The problem with "hitting bottom" is it happens in a non-clinical setting which is unpredictable and subject to irreversible harm (such as suicide).
My relationship of 4 years ended a few months ago. This makes me feel a lot more comfortable in what I was feeling, because i now know my feelings / thoughts were completely VALID!
The man i married is like my mother. Ive lived with self hatred, depression, suicidal ideation, self harm and anxiety. But for me learninf about narcissism is a huge relief. I dont blame myself and hate myself like i once did. I see i was depressed because life was a living hell. So glad it wasnt because i was bad. I have thought i was so bad that i deserved to be murdered. That if i wasnt alive anymore then i would relieve the burden of my failure. My parents still say," we dont know what went wrong with you and your brother." What a slap in the face.
My head is just spinning...it is amazing how I found this when I was having a conversation about this. I was truly guided here. Thank you for answering the questions I had and was seeking answers to. This was spot on! Everything this doctor said I could totally relate to.
11:07 She hit the nail….we met young & he demented me brick by brick over 30yrs.
Thank you Dr Ramani for saving my life! As a victim of narcissistic abuse myself, I've never felt so seen, heard and validated!