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My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.
Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on UA-cam and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.
I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narc; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com
I have to deny the concept that they are good lovers. I've never been with a narcissist, yet that was even competent, much less good. They just think they are the best.
Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.
I must say I have to respectfully disagree. Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off. Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person. Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc. Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave. Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on. I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.
100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤
All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.
I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.
Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30
@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.
I’m shamed by my family for being too nice and friendly, they see my empathy as the problem and tell me to basically change who I am. When in reality I just need to set boundaries and discern who my kindness goes to. Really needed to hear this.
yeah exactly, It’s difficult to stop being friendly. because that’s how I am by default. Being guarded is just something I have to be constantly putting a mask on because it’s not who I am. It’s unfortunate I feel I have to do this because of the way other people are but I have learned a lesson to not be so trusting so fast for random people
Your ashamed because your family are nice and friendly? That doesn’t make any sense, sounds to me like they’re good people, and you are trying to stop them from being good people.
I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.
@@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.
@@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖
THis has happened to me at least 3x. I have a friend who is also an empath who keeps attracting a narcissist. He gives me cringy vibes just looking at his picture, and gut instinct stomach aches.
@@lildarkfreak I hope so, too. She keeps attracting the same stuff, repeating the same pattern. SHe just got out of a relationship with a narcissist 3 years ago, and just met another. This guy on the social is just as pompous and hate filled.
This happened to me as well in my previous relationship. Before that people automatically got attracted to me as in initiating friendships and all because of how comfident and cool i was but after gettinf in to tjag relationship and it's 2 years post that but i still havent gained thsg confident which came naturally to me earlier
Empath here! To all survivors of this type of abuse, you're validated, and you matter! Don't give up on your healing journey! You're loved, and you're beautiful, no matter what your narc or ex narc says!
What exactly is an "empath"? Is that someone who isn't a narcissist or just someone who thinks they feel more than another person who isn't a narcissist?
@@tungstenanderson5991 no, an empath is someone who is very sensitive to the emotions of others. An empath tends to feel emotions very deeply, whether it's anger, happiness, or sadness. They can pick up on the emotional energy of others, even when they are not around a particular person.
Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.
Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it
I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong
I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on. Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule. Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me. Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style. As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake. Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen. Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it. NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift. You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya! Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you. Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others. Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings. Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible. Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening. Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog. Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish. Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.
Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤
The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.
It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.
“A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏
I am so so grateful that we live in a time where we have online resources like this that so clearly state that the confusion we all experience in these relationships has a name. Can you imagine being in a narcissistic relationship back before anyone was talking about it and before there were resources to make you realize you’re not crazy??
I'm saying I think about that a lot. Especially back when women were treated like children and were supposed to be seen and not heard. Nobody even wanted to hear from us nonetheless. Any complaining?
I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.
It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.
I asked my narcissist partner to see a therapist to work on his lack of empathy and inhuman behaviour. I always felt hurt when he pushed me away when I would need him the most. He said he is too practical to be emotional. Finally left him, I mean, why not! thank you for this video
@@elsiewatts6567 I think the idea of empathy (an abstract idea) is related to human rights (codified globally and nationally). If you believe human rights are not for every single person on the planet, right away we'll disagree and are not starting from the same place. Regardless, do you have a reason as to why humans should not be expected to have even a shred of empathy? Because I think I've heard of some people before who decided that their "empathy" for others not considered kin, but a type of human nonetheless, could be demonstrated by kidnapping them and separating families to bring them to build a "new world" and pillage the existing inhabitants of said world. So personally I expect all humans to have empathy, it just gets displayed in different ways.
This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘
I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!
Yea just ask yourself hmmm 🤔 if this was a movie would I want to end up with the weak character who doesn't stand for shit or the one with a backbone that nobody plays with 🤔 The fragile ones never last✌🏽
Crossing paths with a narcissist can actually give you some kind of super power. I spent a year with a narcissist, now it really takes me a couple of weeks to recognize the pattern and say goodbye. I was blessed with an amazing therapist and I'm so happy I'm still a really kind and giving person. By me being this way narcissists think they got it easy but they fool themselves because they tend to show their manipulative traits really early on and when I see that I cut them out IMMEDIATELY. I lost myself once and I'm not falling for this bs again, they really are all the same, it's like they have a script.
“If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.
Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.
I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
Wow. Survivor here… the destabilization, brick by brick, of the confident empath made my jaw drop and my hand turn up the volume. I can’t believe how this talk sums up the relationship that I’m currently exiting. The patterns, the way I kept being pulled back in, the way I disassociated and lost myself to pacify him and be whatever he seemed to need at the time but it was never enough. The love-bombing, the vulnerability I gave to him that was then weaponized against me later on in the relationship when he was bored of me or when I wasn’t what he wanted or giving enough of what he needed. I can go on and on but I’ll just be repeating everything that was said in this video. My heart just found a new sliver of peace to have this defined and explained so exactly. I’m in therapy and we’ve gone over some of the points in here, and today my therapist specifically pointed out my consistent level of empathy and kindness that I keep showing towards him even as we’re splitting up. He said that I shouldn’t want to lose that quality of myself, instead I need to heal and keep my empathy, while becoming more wise and discerning in future relationships. I appreciate this video so much. 🙏🏼💓
I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔
You are not alone with this. It's a horrible suffering, I know that I'm a better person now, but... After I lost so much. I know that my figure will be better, this experience must not be in vain. I wish you a lot of strength. Tomorrow will be better.
It might be hard now, but you will come out of it. If you believe in God, turn off that love you've poured into your partner and deepen your faith, go on a spiritual, mental and emotional journey of rediscovering yourself and enjoying life outside of them. There will be many tears, sleepless nights, confusion, and heart-wrenching pain on this journey, but you will get stronger. You will take your power back.
I can’t believe how many people are going through this… i am too in a narcissistic relationship and we have a toddler together 😢…. I see this man as the love of my life… and im just finding out how my empathy is what’s keeping us together 🤯
Wow. What a wonderful conversation. I'm a licensed mental health professional and I work with a *lot* of narcissists. Dr Ramani is brilliant and KNOWS what she's talking about. Her compassionate directness is as gift.
Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous
@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings. Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.
@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)
The fact I’m sitting here going “Damn, this entire video describes my last relationship to a t”. I’ve had people tell me he was a narcissist and I spent a lot of time wondering if that was the case. Really, the only thing that doesn’t fit in the narrative is the rage. He rarely ever got mad, he was more just constantly distanced and had that grandiose “Look at me! I’m so great! I’m good at everything I do”. Which usually wasn’t the case, he was pretty mediocre at a lot of things he thought he was amazing at, like singing. He wanted to be a professional singer and would make songs, but honestly when I listed to them, he wasn’t all that good of a singer. Never said this to him tho, I just wanted to be supportive. I felt much more alone while with him than when I was actually alone. He was just always so disinterested in me or what I’m doing. He was very cold when it came to emotions and situations where most people would have empathy. “Those are your feelings for you to deal with, I can’t solve them for you.” When all I wanted was someone there for me, not to solve my feelings for me. I also hated going out in public with him bc I felt like he was always trying to put on a show to everyone we met and was trying to impress them. He wasn’t being himself and it always made me pretty uncomfortable. And speaking of, he always dominated the conversation with other people and I felt like I couldn’t get a word in. He brought out a lot of my insecurities and I started to truly believe that I was the narcissist, not him. I hated who I was while with him, and eventually I started hating who I was while not with him. Everything was always about him, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go. If I wanted to do things, it had to be by myself or I didn’t go at all. When she mentioned the promising to go places and then not following through, I felt like it hit me in the heart. That used to happen a lot, I would be so excited and get ready for a trip we had planned only for the day to come and he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” So we didn’t go. This happened multiple times, after a while I just started assuming we wouldn’t actually go on any trip we planned. Love bombing me when I started distancing myself from him to reel me back in, then taking all the love away again once he had me back where he wanted me. There’s so many things I look back on without the lens of the rose colored glasses and it seems so obvious now, but something I’ve found interesting is narcissism doesn’t cross my mind unless someone else points it out. I guess since I’m not like that, I don’t even think that there’s people that are. Lesson learned successfully tho! Narcissism is, unfortunately, on the forefront of my mind now. Hopefully I’ll be able to recognize it in the future and run away early on instead of investing years of myself again only to come out of it and have no idea who I am anymore. I remember a point after we stopped talking where I sat in my bed and thought to myself “I CANNOT do that again, I don’t think I have it in me.” And I started researching narcissism, how it presents, how it comes about, etc etc. I’m so glad to have found Dr. Ramani, she is so knowledgeable on the topic and I love that she emphasizes “It’s not you!” I think her videos on narcissism have definitely helped me along the way in my healing process, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Dr Ramani, please don’t ever stop telling this truth! From my heart to yours, you are needed! Currently going through that dark night but I see the light.
Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️
How I grew up Had kids with one Was single for 10 years Ended up with another narcissist TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE
Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..
Me for 15 years mother and brother , now I am out , felt like shit even after having good job frinds , sab kuch tha , jab offce mein hoti thi feel like intelligent talent girl , jab Ghar ati thi under confident and sad ,because that's want they wanted to see me , i started behaving like how they expect
I understand your pain .we were a family of five, dealt with narcissist parents & two of my narcissist siblings. Life was a hell until I decided to walk away, now healing, sending you strength
This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.
I just realized my husband is narcissistic and will never change. He is covert and it’s only against me. He cheated Lon me and left. But I took him back. He continues with gaslighting , passive aggression. I’m so sick! Physically. I don’t know that to do .
the word impossible says "I'm possible." You need to keep your cards close to your chest - if you don't the narcissist will sabotage your exit plan. Been there, done that and never once looked back.
@@elizabethrodgers8616you have to be brave enough to reach out to someone. You have to be willing to rebuild your whole life. And I don't mean rebuild your whole personality and your upbringing because all that stuff is still there it's just being covered up with their b*******. Once you realize their behavior has nothing to do with you or is not your responsibility and you see the separateness come back you'll realize all of it is such a waste and you're trying to help someone that can't even be helped and why is it your job to even help them to begin with? Usually it comes down to low self-worth, and of course years of manipulation.
This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.
Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.
I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤
I was BEST friends with someone since we were 19... In our 20s and 30s, over time, my friend became mentally abusive with me, so we stopped speaking... In our 20s, it lasted for a few months... In our 30s, it was for 4 years... I started watching videos from Dr. Ramani a few years ago, because the abuse had become bad again... So, 3 years ago, I made the decision to stop speaking to my former friend. It is difficult... I miss good things about our friendship, but I NEVER miss the abuse, the gaslighting, the passive aggressive comments, the outright insults or walking on eggshells. So grateful.
When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.
They will lovebomb you to begin with. Nice gifts. Nice dates. Charming. Funny. Affectionate. Compliments. They will tell you that they have strong feelings early on. All of this is fake!! Done to lure you in. They cant love anything or anyone (appart from themselves). I felt there was something off at the start. My gut was screaming at me to leave but i didnt listen. You will see the red flags. But choose to ignore them. When everything goes there way everything is good. But if they’ve had a stressful day at work or something happens to p*** them off they will be moody and misserable. They will play hot and cold. One day they are lovely other days they are cold and distant so you never know where you stand with them. Leaving you feeling confused, hurt and not good enough. Dont ever pull them up on their bad behaviour. If you do they will end the “relationship”. They manipulate and gaslight you into taking their bad behaviour and disrespect. How dare you stand up for yourself! You should bow down to them and be a door mat because they are the best thing since sliced bread and you should be greatful that they chose you! They will blame everything that goes wrong in the relationship on you. They are never to blame. They will never appologize. They will manipulate you into thinking its your fault and you will end up appologizing for your reaction to their bad behaviour. Everything will always be on their terms! You will do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. If its not something they enjoy doing they will not do it. And on the off chance that they will they will be misserable the whole time. They will see you when it suits them. They will never plan things in advance or make future plans. They will never fully commit. If your going through a hard time in life they will never be there to support you. They will avoid everything that involves emotional connection. Dont ever cry in front of them because they will think that your crazy for having feelings. They cant even give to a hug if you were to cry in front of them, they will just look at you blankly. They have no empathy what so ever. They are very selfish and only care about their own needs. Your needs mean nothing to them. They are dead on the inside. No feelings. No emotions. Just an empty soul. They are addicts. They drink too much. They gamble too much. They are stuck in their ways. They will never change. They will lie. They will cheat (mine had been a serial cheater in past relationships and i though that he wouldnt be the same with me. I have no proof that he cheated but from his past its very likely). They will use you. All of this will have a negative effect on your mental health. You will loose so much of yourself with a narcissist. They will drain the life out of you. Save yourself. Love yourself. Leave these toxic human beings. Additionally, If you're considering hiring a private investigator for proof of infidelity in a divorce case, Barry Investigations could be the right choice. By contacting them at Barryinvestigation@gmail. com, you can work with experienced professionals to uncover the truth. Make sure to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities, establish clear boundaries, and follow the investigator's guidelines to ensure a successful and discreet investigation.
@@JayShettyPodcast. UA-cam algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! ua-cam.com/video/-bF2NyJ-ouI/v-deo.htmlsi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B Prof Sam Vaknin
What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.
Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.
I am speechless. I went through every single thing you are speaking on. At the time, I was completely in the dark. I got to a point where I was in a deep, dark hole. I feel as if I was having an out-of-body experience, my spirit was guiding my physical body, when I finally decided to go through the motions to get out of a toxic relationship. You are spot on when you talk about doing the smallest of tasks, checking the temperature, what time is it, learning to walk all over again. The grief came out of nowhere and the pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. The guilt, the blame, the weight of feeling inadequate and 100% personally wrong with everything in the world was almost unbearable. He has and had zero accountability and will still tell everyone what an amazing person he is and to my surprise and disbelief, I have zero care. I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I have no love, no hate, no vengeance, I simply just don't care. We even speak civilly from time to time. I never thought I would be where I am today. I don't know how but I survived and I am thriving. I am still a work in progress and pray that I have many, many more years to enjoy to make up for all of the time that I wasted on hating myself. Listening to you speak is as if you wrote my story. I am grateful that I came across your Podcast. Thank you
Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏 I am healing and getting better everyday 💕 I can never go back to what broke me 👌 I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘 I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer
Just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. We have 2 kids (& currently 3rd surprisingly on the way 🥲). I’ve been at the lowest point of my life while he goes off doing what he wants totally unaffected, but your podcasts are the reason I’m getting 1% better every day. Thank you Jay 🙏🏼
You’re amazing, a mom too, wow your kids will be proud. There is no words for the hurt and pain… you’re really not alone believe me a random stranger on the internet, that even though we’re miles away, I’m telling you heart to heart we’ve been at the same places and through the same feelings. Self love 1st always. I wish you the best sister❤️
We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware. I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much
Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.
I was in this relationship for over 32 years and I am finally taking the first steps to healing, detaching and surviving. I am beginning to value myself worth, myself respect, my self awareness, and loving the person I was before I met this man. I wish him absolutely no harm or anything negative. We share three wonderful adult children and I do love him, but I have to love me and I want peace in my life.
Started my journey with therapy this year, after reflecting I learnt that I attracted alot of narcissist in relationships/friendships, I now have a very supportive group of healthy friends around me who made me tap into therapy and heal myself. One thing I realised, narcissist love to make you feel inferior. Make you feel like your dreams are out of reach while they continue to suck the living soul out of you. The Volcano concept just blew my mind away. The world would be better if more people tapped into themselves and considered therapy. Thank you Dr.Ramani.
Realizing someone just will never change is actually so healing. That is helping me to let go of someone who hurt me.🙏🏽. Don't wish them bad but just finally am coming to peace with letting go because once you also realize your kindness keeps getting taken for granted that is enough to give you strength and get up and move on 🙏🏽
Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.
Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.
I absolutely love Dr. Ramani. Every time I listen to her talk about narcissistic abuse it makes me feel whole. Especially when she tells us that we don’t have to forgive our abusers in order to get healing.
This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot
I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.
The part about not needing to forgive is a first for me! Never ever heard anyone say this before- I have gone to great lengths to forgive because it’s what I’ve always heard. “FORGIVE” And it really has been to my detriment 🙇🏾♀️ I will definitely be thinking hard about this new found information
It is helping and doing favor for the abuser without understanding why, it is wondering for years why i m doing that? why i can not stop? why i m Afraid ? why this relationship is so powerful while i know something is wrong and i have to leave? Why i feel like zombie alive but dead at the same time ? Why i m like someone hypnotysed i want to leave but i can not i can not move? Like Stockholm syndrome no control of my actions, Sense of being in Fairytale or dream or nightmare, sense of surreality.
@@user-o5bz6bd9bm exactly! Years ago when I was married to a narcissist, I felt all those things you just said, and it was before anyone was talking about narcissism and trauma bonding and I thought I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome!
Agree completely! At one point I was told by a very close friend that what was going on with me sounded like I was suffering with Stockholm syndrome I looked it up and it changed the way I looked at him! I was helping my abuser for years.
Exactly.. simply put they are possessed. I ran for dear life. They find joy to mess up lives, looking for excuses to do evil and wickedness . No one can change them except Almighty God. Money can’t satisfy them, not satisfied with sex so they indulge in multiple partners which still doesn’t satisfy them. Date them but don’t settle in with them.
This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤
Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.
I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all
Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right." Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now! Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.
I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.
Im so thankful for her to be able to identify spot on the list of issues im facing. I’m married to a Narcissist and the constant struggle that comes is he says “you took vows to stay “ and he always says “ why do you keep bringing up the past “ The thing is he refuses to get help or change! The most painful part is my husband knows that I survived so much from my childhood and even early adulthood and he uses that to hurt me. Also my stupid self keeps telling myself oh he’s trying to change and then boom!!! And he has great qualities but he KNOWS WHAT HE DOES! 💔
Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.
I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏
Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.
As an empath, consistently forgiving a narcissist for each transgression as time goes on, in order to survive, ends up basically turning you into an involuntary enabler.
I think once people realize that this is a deep psychological condition that is never healed or can be changed in the narcissist it will free up people from thinking they have any responsibility not that they had any to begin with
Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video
Tell me about it 😂 I was with a stalker who would watch me on spy cams & call to tell me they just felt I was looking in the mirror doing my hair to go out yet I have not shared any of my plans with him 🤷🏾♀️ went out & some man spoke to me then he called pretending he heard someone say hey asking who is that when it was jack silent in the background then came to visit me once I got home from a forced outing to relieve myself from his bullshit & proceeds to say he doesn't want a woman like that 😂😂 a woman who goes out to have fun with no man to answer to as he assumes that any real woman wants a man like him 😂😂 a man who is controlling & incapable of genuine connection because he's personally suppressed from living up to being a traitor ✌🏽 the jokes are themselves
I didn’t know what it was until 2 years into my relationship with my husband, he is generous but wants praise all the time control every situation talks about everything he does for people like we owe him. Staying focused every negative energy etc……
Learning something new. This was the most empowering thing I did as woman, building a set of IKEA furniture for my new place, going back to hobbies that I was held back from. After years of being doubted and broken down, today I feel unstoppable.
“This thing dismantled me brick by brick. I was really well put together when I met this person.” When she said that, it brought me to tears in an instant. How can the old me feel so distant, like a person I can barely remember?
What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship? You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever. Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry, narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the: “I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM” Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side. Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is. Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for. Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously. Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent. FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you. Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics) Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort. You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him. Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years. FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU. You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate. YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun. Don’t do that. Do exactly why you’re doing. Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in. Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share. At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone. Quora let’s you know you’re not alone. There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists. They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies. AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.
the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me! I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.
I love the space Jay gave Dr. Ramani to share her wisdom. Biggest takeaway: if you are distanced from the person, you can allow empathy for them. But if you’re not distanced, no empathy allotted. Boundaries for self! ❤
Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.
Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida
Thank you so much for speaking up for the FORGIVER … many People say often that in order to heal you have to forgive. That forgiving is for yourself. I will never forgive and I don’t have to 😢thank you
You can forgive AND walk away. Forgiving doesn't mean you allow their behavior in YOUR life, it means letting go of focusing on them. When you forgive you stop feeding that trauma and that darknessn. You then have the energy to focus on healing and on those people who deserve your attention.
@@lindarusch9660 that's a rly good reminder. I feel I also need to forgive myself >< because I've also said hurtful things when provoked to anger and I hate raising my voice in the process of trying to be heard and push back. I don't like that side of myself when around this narc. >< The feeling is awful:'(
@@nikkian9254totally get it, they make us do and say stuff that doesn't resemble us. I cut ties with my mother before she got me to say or do anythg i would regret and it's the main reason i will not talk to her again. She's not changing and i can't control my anger around her anymore. Time to cut tiesbefore i do or say somethg that is hurtful and does not resemble me
@@tina-jr9sl Yeah boundary setting and staying level headed is hardest around them because there's often times no logic to them >< That's so great you were able to leave and create that needed distance with your mother~ Its nice to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm not crazy @.@ I actually feel more stable and joy when I'm not around them and don't miss them as much as I would think. I desire intimacy and closeness with my mother but remind myself that it's her who chooses not to have that with me through her actions and I have to mourn the mother i wished I had and accept things as they are. I'm still in contact with her and she visits usually once a week and I'm learning more when she has crossed my boundaries and to communicate my needs quickly, and if she doesn't respect that, I let her know it's time to go home and that I need to rest for the day.
To say the least, my X was raised in a toxic family environment. I knew and seen the red flags. I was empathic and hoped for the best. In the end. Just happy memories and sadness. Now, I will know better.
Dr Ramani is an exceptionally intelligent, insightful and empathetic lady. Her expertise in narcissism shines brightly into the darkness of narcissistic abuse. God bless her. 💕
Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!
Dr Ramani is a blessing to humanity. I have a narcissistic mother and also had a partner with the same qualities. It has been a life long journey. Each time I listen to her I am able to feel more at ease and validate myself. When she talked about the internal struggle "I hate myother, I understand her' I started sobbing Thank you, doctor and thank you Jay
Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.
Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious. Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder. Such a good hear 🥹🥺
This woman is a genius. She is so beautiful and smart inside and out. She has really helped me thank you Dr. Ramani you’ve given me light and encouragement. Words can’t describe how grateful I am you are so gifted and I appreciate you. Thank everyone involved in this podcast. I hope you read this
I'm supposed to be studying right now but I will save this video later. Definitely a must ❤ She has gotten me to realize I was being manipulated hardcore and helped me ground myself and become level headed. Sometimes you just need to hear you're not crazy.
Just ended my relationship yesterday with a very narcissistic man. I feel so much lighter. I was so excited to learn more and just start new. I loved and still love him. But I love him in a different way. I will NEVER go back.
Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.
Narcissism is deeply embedded in south asian, east European, middle eastern and Indian culture. Traditional good women are the biggest target for narcs! They love how serving and giving those women are, narcs love it. South asian culture has this normalized for generations, it’s not even looked at as weird. Women who create boundaries are tagged as selfish and bad women. Women are expected to embrace a life of suffering in silence
@@elizabethf9096 It's not better in Western societies. Men in Western societies are simply more covert, passive-aggressive and manipulative than other men. I hope you will awaken to that truth someday. 💖
K. Was literally just thinking this about Myself. My narc uses bible verses to go against everything I try to do. “Maybe god didn’t put me with a Godly woman.” “Well you can go find yourself one.” *stays*?!??
What an amazing conversation. I don't know how many times after leaving a toxic relationship, I've said I have to get back to myself and who I really am.
What lesson did you learn from Dr. Ramani?
I’d like to invite you to join this community and subscribe to the channel. By hitting the 'Subscribe' button, you're not just becoming a subscriber - you're choosing to make a positive difference in your life.
😂😂 ! So funny man
My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.
2:07
Dismantled brick by brick struck a cord with me.
She rocks❤
When they keep getting angry at you for no reason , that is a BIG SIGN to go !!
And yet, you aren’t allowed to get upset about really big crap they do. It’s exhausting.
That irrational anger was so so frustrating.
I see people allowing their rage to spin out of control, where they become devoid of reason, like a mad dog. Do you try to reason with a mad dog?
@@jussgrayThat's how they push you away. You should leave ,run, don't look back!
So true.
Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on UA-cam and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.
Wow, you're an inspiration showing that it's never too late to get out. God bless you!
I am 40…. Now my turn to achieve green And I deserve better life
I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.
Good for you!@@Cy-bz9jh
🙏🏽👏🏽❤
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narc; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com
I have to deny the concept that they are good lovers. I've never been with a narcissist, yet that was even competent, much less good. They just think they are the best.
You just described my dad perfectly.
This entire paragraph described my current partner in such a painfully accurate way. I know I need to let him go but it’s hard. 😕
Brilliant answer! Spot on. 🤩
Amazing Description....pretty much covered everything
I am a survivor. My motto is “Don’t look back, you are not going that way”.
❤❤❤
It’s like accepting a cat is not a dog. No matter how hard you try to train the cat- he’ll never be a dog!!!!
I don’t believe you can get off the train until you really understand it.
Forgiving them is different than allowing them to do it again!
💪🏽🙌🏽💯🥰
“ repeatedly forgiving a repeat perpetrator, actually harms the forgiver”.
Well this is good clarity!
Thank you.
❤❤❤
Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.
I must say I have to respectfully disagree.
Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off.
Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person.
Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc.
Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave.
Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on.
I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.
100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤
@@rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954yeah but they don't want to heal ..they wanna make others hurt
The grief is how much you loss yourself in this relationship. It hits home.
Yess! 😢..
One day I woke up feeling so empty. I had no idea who I was and couldn't remember who I use to be.
Yes
The loss of yourself when you’re in a narcissistic relationship is so sad
And it is so hard to try and rediscover yourself. You feel like a shell of your former self since doubt is your normal.
It's taken me years to recover. I still feel shamed.
@@dixiewinxeqandmore356
I no longer feel shame.
I feel anger and regret for the years that I lost.
All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.
@@meetalisingh5874 😔
I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.
Whew! That sounds so familiar!
Did you suffer from anxiety of any sort?
Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30
@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.
My ex was only dx with NPD because of marital counseling. Never would have gone on his own.
I’m shamed by my family for being too nice and friendly, they see my empathy as the problem and tell me to basically change who I am. When in reality I just need to set boundaries and discern who my kindness goes to. Really needed to hear this.
yeah exactly, It’s difficult to stop being friendly. because that’s how I am by default. Being guarded is just something I have to be constantly putting a mask on because it’s not who I am. It’s unfortunate I feel I have to do this because of the way other people are but I have learned a lesson to not be so trusting so fast for random people
Your ashamed because your family are nice and friendly? That doesn’t make any sense, sounds to me like they’re good people, and you are trying to stop them from being good people.
@@elsiewatts6567 “I’m shamed” not “I am ashamed”
I'm proud of you, good luck with setting healthy boundaries!
@@elsiewatts6567re read, you didn't understand at all
Thank you, Jay for having me back on your podcast!
Dr. Ramani, you’re a certified badass ❤ I love listening to you talk, your insights are brilliant, entertaining and easy to understand. Thank you
Such a good verbal speaker ! How ??
Thank you for everything Doctor! You have helped so many.
You are a gift to this world both you and Jay. In my language (Cree-native american) we say Kinanaskomtin meaning I am extremely grateful
Thank YOU for being such a wonderful guest!
I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.
Forgiveness must be earned. I would never recommend someone to just give it away as a door prize either. The popular advice to do so is toxic af.
Forgiveness is for the perpetrator not the victim. That’s what society especially Bible thumpers have wrong.
@@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.
Yep hopefully the devil got them and the pitch fork is sharp.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽✅✅
it blows my mind that people don't talk about Partner From Dreams by Bruce Thornwoood
I can’t find it
Wow!! Empathy as a trauma/survival response!! That resonated with me for sure. I’ve tolerate so much bs in the name of empathy!!
Agree June..my narc mother tried to destroy me, body and soul. She died 20 years ago and I'm still dealing with the cruel words and deeds.
@@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖
Me to it does get old doesn’t it? I’m the one who gives complements to be nice even if someone still hurts me I tend to get over things quickly
@@mariahconklin4150I’m the same! It’s so draining.
Can Dr.pores send to me in UK?
“This thing dismantled me brick by brick. I was really well put together when I met this person.” 100% 😔
THis has happened to me at least 3x. I have a friend who is also an empath who keeps attracting a narcissist. He gives me cringy vibes just looking at his picture, and gut instinct stomach aches.
That gut instinct never lies!! Hoping your friend will get out/away safely, sooner than later.
@@lildarkfreak I hope so, too. She keeps attracting the same stuff, repeating the same pattern. SHe just got out of a relationship with a narcissist 3 years ago, and just met another. This guy on the social is just as pompous and hate filled.
This happened to me as well in my previous relationship. Before that people automatically got attracted to me as in initiating friendships and all because of how comfident and cool i was but after gettinf in to tjag relationship and it's 2 years post that but i still havent gained thsg confident which came naturally to me earlier
Yeah same here.
Empath here! To all survivors of this type of abuse, you're validated, and you matter! Don't give up on your healing journey! You're loved, and you're beautiful, no matter what your narc or ex narc says!
😢😞💔
Or What the flying monkeys say.
❤❤❤
What exactly is an "empath"? Is that someone who isn't a narcissist or just someone who thinks they feel more than another person who isn't a narcissist?
@@tungstenanderson5991 no, an empath is someone who is very sensitive to the emotions of others. An empath tends to feel emotions very deeply, whether it's anger, happiness, or sadness. They can pick up on the emotional energy of others, even when they are not around a particular person.
The longer a person is in a narcissistic relationship, the longer they have to abandon themselves. Whew! That right there!! 🎯🎯🎯
Wow 😮
Long..... 35 years
👏👍
That is your own truth, not everyone on the planet, remember that.
10 years
Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.
Hope you are doing well, and are able to get through the storm. 🙏
Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it
Love yourself.. self care
You can heal. Focus on the people you can love
I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong
I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on.
Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule.
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me.
Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style.
As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake.
Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen.
Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it.
NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping
Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift.
You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya!
Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you.
Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others.
Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings.
Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible.
Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening.
Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck
Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish.
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
Is that spy site legitimate?
@@E5996-c3v yep.
yep.
GREAT READ - thanks
I need to confirm my gut feeling. Thanks for sharing your story.
These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.
Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤
Facts!
Disrespect and abuse is closure. No contact is the permanent solution!
The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.
It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.
“A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏
Yes
That's exactly it! That's how you know.... 🙏
it’s ESSENTIAL: flexibility. a key to life game. stay teachable. be flexible
Wow ! Definitely a gamer-changer because most don’t have this slot of flexibility in basic communication let alone a relationship.😩
I never thought of that, good point 😊
I am so so grateful that we live in a time where we have online resources like this that so clearly state that the confusion we all experience in these relationships has a name. Can you imagine being in a narcissistic relationship back before anyone was talking about it and before there were resources to make you realize you’re not crazy??
I was. No one believed me. It was horrible and confusing. I was judged and told to submit. Now I know what and who I am dealing with.
I'm saying I think about that a lot. Especially back when women were treated like children and were supposed to be seen and not heard. Nobody even wanted to hear from us nonetheless. Any complaining?
@@chenanigans Women were treated like unpaid servants, children were treated way better that.
I went through all of this with no guidance. It forever changed me. There aren't words for the pain. Never again. Never. ❤
Oh I hope you are alright, seek help if you are suffering.
I resonate. ❤ I've heard it called the "Dark Night of the Soul" from PTSD. to Peace 😊 # Education # No Contact!
I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.
@@lynnebucher6537 we learn and we grow. It's all we can do. ❤
Your words resonate with me. No words for the pain! It's changed me. Betrayal/abuse I would not wish on anyone! # healing. Namaste 🙏 ❤
It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.
Actually I became very sick. My autoimmune illness is never in remission. I have severe SLE Lupus.
Yes sadly 😢
Thank you for saying this. It really helped me
Absolutely so true 🙏
Dating a Narcissist and being perimenopausel is super confusing 😭
@@elizabethrodgers8616Omg my lupus sis.I have Lupus too 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
I asked my narcissist partner to see a therapist to work on his lack of empathy and inhuman behaviour. I always felt hurt when he pushed me away when I would need him the most. He said he is too practical to be emotional. Finally left him, I mean, why not! thank you for this video
Too practical to be emotional? Wow, that's a new one.
So do you think it’s inhumane for people do not have empathy? Since when has it been labelled that humans have to have empathy?
Narcs don't seek help as they do not think they have an issue.
@@elsiewatts6567good question. I don’t have answer though :)
@@elsiewatts6567 I think the idea of empathy (an abstract idea) is related to human rights (codified globally and nationally). If you believe human rights are not for every single person on the planet, right away we'll disagree and are not starting from the same place.
Regardless, do you have a reason as to why humans should not be expected to have even a shred of empathy? Because I think I've heard of some people before who decided that their "empathy" for others not considered kin, but a type of human nonetheless, could be demonstrated by kidnapping them and separating families to bring them to build a "new world" and pillage the existing inhabitants of said world. So personally I expect all humans to have empathy, it just gets displayed in different ways.
This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘
I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!
The serpent enticed you and you ate the forbidden fruit.
Yea just ask yourself hmmm 🤔 if this was a movie would I want to end up with the weak character who doesn't stand for shit or the one with a backbone that nobody plays with 🤔
The fragile ones never last✌🏽
Happy for you! May your relationship be blessed.
Ignore these weird comments
It's amazing how ladies always think they are the ones who does right. I can't get it.
@@Anthonyjames-ue1hjamazing how men often abuse women and children and move on with impunity to do it to new women
Crossing paths with a narcissist can actually give you some kind of super power. I spent a year with a narcissist, now it really takes me a couple of weeks to recognize the pattern and say goodbye. I was blessed with an amazing therapist and I'm so happy I'm still a really kind and giving person. By me being this way narcissists think they got it easy but they fool themselves because they tend to show their manipulative traits really early on and when I see that I cut them out IMMEDIATELY. I lost myself once and I'm not falling for this bs again, they really are all the same, it's like they have a script.
“If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.
Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.
Agreed! ❤
I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
Wow. Survivor here… the destabilization, brick by brick, of the confident empath made my jaw drop and my hand turn up the volume. I can’t believe how this talk sums up the relationship that I’m currently exiting. The patterns, the way I kept being pulled back in, the way I disassociated and lost myself to pacify him and be whatever he seemed to need at the time but it was never enough. The love-bombing, the vulnerability I gave to him that was then weaponized against me later on in the relationship when he was bored of me or when I wasn’t what he wanted or giving enough of what he needed. I can go on and on but I’ll just be repeating everything that was said in this video. My heart just found a new sliver of peace to have this defined and explained so exactly. I’m in therapy and we’ve gone over some of the points in here, and today my therapist specifically pointed out my consistent level of empathy and kindness that I keep showing towards him even as we’re splitting up. He said that I shouldn’t want to lose that quality of myself, instead I need to heal and keep my empathy, while becoming more wise and discerning in future relationships. I appreciate this video so much. 🙏🏼💓
Wonderful❤
Dr Ramani will never ever ever know just how much she has helped me. May God bless her will all that she needs and wants.❤
❤❤❤
Amen 🌄
I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔
Wish I could've comforted you with a warm hug.
Sending you my good wishes 🤗
You are not alone with this. It's a horrible suffering, I know that I'm a better person now, but... After I lost so much. I know that my figure will be better, this experience must not be in vain. I wish you a lot of strength. Tomorrow will be better.
It might be hard now, but you will come out of it. If you believe in God, turn off that love you've poured into your partner and deepen your faith, go on a spiritual, mental and emotional journey of rediscovering yourself and enjoying life outside of them. There will be many tears, sleepless nights, confusion, and heart-wrenching pain on this journey, but you will get stronger. You will take your power back.
I can’t believe how many people are going through this… i am too in a narcissistic relationship and we have a toddler together 😢…. I see this man as the love of my life… and im just finding out how my empathy is what’s keeping us together 🤯
Wow. What a wonderful conversation. I'm a licensed mental health professional and I work with a *lot* of narcissists. Dr Ramani is brilliant and KNOWS what she's talking about. Her compassionate directness is as gift.
At 54, can he change?
POINT BLANK NO!!!!!!@@balkogirl91
N
@@balkogirl91
Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous
Hi, can I ask what do u mean by premeditated and dangerous?
@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings.
Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.
@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)
@@healthbar8439 this descrihes a covert narcissist
@@healthbar8439you have put it so accurately -
The fact I’m sitting here going “Damn, this entire video describes my last relationship to a t”. I’ve had people tell me he was a narcissist and I spent a lot of time wondering if that was the case. Really, the only thing that doesn’t fit in the narrative is the rage. He rarely ever got mad, he was more just constantly distanced and had that grandiose “Look at me! I’m so great! I’m good at everything I do”. Which usually wasn’t the case, he was pretty mediocre at a lot of things he thought he was amazing at, like singing. He wanted to be a professional singer and would make songs, but honestly when I listed to them, he wasn’t all that good of a singer. Never said this to him tho, I just wanted to be supportive. I felt much more alone while with him than when I was actually alone. He was just always so disinterested in me or what I’m doing. He was very cold when it came to emotions and situations where most people would have empathy. “Those are your feelings for you to deal with, I can’t solve them for you.” When all I wanted was someone there for me, not to solve my feelings for me. I also hated going out in public with him bc I felt like he was always trying to put on a show to everyone we met and was trying to impress them. He wasn’t being himself and it always made me pretty uncomfortable. And speaking of, he always dominated the conversation with other people and I felt like I couldn’t get a word in. He brought out a lot of my insecurities and I started to truly believe that I was the narcissist, not him. I hated who I was while with him, and eventually I started hating who I was while not with him. Everything was always about him, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go. If I wanted to do things, it had to be by myself or I didn’t go at all. When she mentioned the promising to go places and then not following through, I felt like it hit me in the heart. That used to happen a lot, I would be so excited and get ready for a trip we had planned only for the day to come and he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” So we didn’t go. This happened multiple times, after a while I just started assuming we wouldn’t actually go on any trip we planned. Love bombing me when I started distancing myself from him to reel me back in, then taking all the love away again once he had me back where he wanted me. There’s so many things I look back on without the lens of the rose colored glasses and it seems so obvious now, but something I’ve found interesting is narcissism doesn’t cross my mind unless someone else points it out. I guess since I’m not like that, I don’t even think that there’s people that are. Lesson learned successfully tho! Narcissism is, unfortunately, on the forefront of my mind now. Hopefully I’ll be able to recognize it in the future and run away early on instead of investing years of myself again only to come out of it and have no idea who I am anymore. I remember a point after we stopped talking where I sat in my bed and thought to myself “I CANNOT do that again, I don’t think I have it in me.” And I started researching narcissism, how it presents, how it comes about, etc etc. I’m so glad to have found Dr. Ramani, she is so knowledgeable on the topic and I love that she emphasizes “It’s not you!” I think her videos on narcissism have definitely helped me along the way in my healing process, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Dr Ramani, please don’t ever stop telling this truth! From my heart to yours, you are needed! Currently going through that dark night but I see the light.
Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️
How I grew up
Had kids with one
Was single for 10 years
Ended up with another narcissist
TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT
I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED
CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM
HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE
I feel you...we need to heal on a daily basis
Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..
Me for 15 years mother and brother , now I am out , felt like shit even after having good job frinds , sab kuch tha , jab offce mein hoti thi feel like intelligent talent girl , jab Ghar ati thi under confident and sad ,because that's want they wanted to see me , i started behaving like how they expect
I understand your pain .we were a family of five, dealt with narcissist parents & two of my narcissist siblings. Life was a hell until I decided to walk away, now healing, sending you strength
That's so true. You think "why the hell was I so nice to him/her?" All you did for them and only got hell back...
If everyone had well-developed self-worth and boundaries no one would even consider a hardcore narcissist
I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse. This is a beautiful dialogue & it’s so beautiful to know how much impact this podcast will have on our world ❤
This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.
I just realized my husband is narcissistic and will never change. He is covert and it’s only against me. He cheated Lon me and left. But I took him back.
He continues with gaslighting , passive aggression.
I’m so sick! Physically. I don’t know that to do .
the word impossible says "I'm possible." You need to keep your cards close to your chest - if you don't the narcissist will sabotage your exit plan. Been there, done that and never once looked back.
@@elizabethrodgers8616you have to be brave enough to reach out to someone. You have to be willing to rebuild your whole life. And I don't mean rebuild your whole personality and your upbringing because all that stuff is still there it's just being covered up with their b*******. Once you realize their behavior has nothing to do with you or is not your responsibility and you see the separateness come back you'll realize all of it is such a waste and you're trying to help someone that can't even be helped and why is it your job to even help them to begin with? Usually it comes down to low self-worth, and of course years of manipulation.
This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.
The Pharsees n king saul are typical example
Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.
I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤
I was BEST friends with someone since we were 19... In our 20s and 30s, over time, my friend became mentally abusive with me, so we stopped speaking... In our 20s, it lasted for a few months... In our 30s, it was for 4 years... I started watching videos from Dr. Ramani a few years ago, because the abuse had become bad again... So, 3 years ago, I made the decision to stop speaking to my former friend. It is difficult... I miss good things about our friendship, but I NEVER miss the abuse, the gaslighting, the passive aggressive comments, the outright insults or walking on eggshells. So grateful.
When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.
Narcissist will NOT change!
I've learned that the hard way!
Louder!!!!
Yup and they are always on the pursuit of a new victim, so never feel bad about them being alone. Leave and never look back
Nope. They never change. It worsens as they age too
They will lovebomb you to begin with. Nice gifts. Nice dates. Charming. Funny. Affectionate. Compliments. They will tell you that they have strong feelings early on. All of this is fake!! Done to lure you in. They cant love anything or anyone (appart from themselves). I felt there was something off at the start.
My gut was screaming at me to leave but i didnt listen. You will see the red flags. But choose to ignore them. When everything goes there way everything is good. But if they’ve had a stressful day at work or something happens to p*** them off they will be moody and misserable. They will play hot and cold. One day they are lovely other days they are cold and distant so you never know where you stand with them.
Leaving you feeling confused, hurt and not good enough. Dont ever pull them up on their bad behaviour. If you do they will end the “relationship”. They manipulate and gaslight you into taking their bad behaviour and disrespect. How dare you stand up for yourself! You should bow down to them and be a door mat because they are the best thing since sliced bread and you should be greatful that they chose you! They will blame everything that goes wrong in the relationship on you. They are never to blame.
They will never appologize. They will manipulate you into thinking its your fault and you will end up appologizing for your reaction to their bad behaviour. Everything will always be on their terms! You will do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. If its not something they enjoy doing they will not do it. And on the off chance that they will they will be misserable the whole time. They will see you when it suits them. They will never plan things in advance or make future plans.
They will never fully commit. If your going through a hard time in life they will never be there to support you. They will avoid everything that involves emotional connection. Dont ever cry in front of them because they will think that your crazy for having feelings. They cant even give to a hug if you were to cry in front of them, they will just look at you blankly. They have no empathy what so ever. They are very selfish and only care about their own needs. Your needs mean nothing to them.
They are dead on the inside. No feelings. No emotions. Just an empty soul. They are addicts. They drink too much. They gamble too much. They are stuck in their ways. They will never change. They will lie. They will cheat (mine had been a serial cheater in past relationships and i though that he wouldnt be the same with me. I have no proof that he cheated but from his past its very likely). They will use you. All of this will have a negative effect on your mental health. You will loose so much of yourself with a narcissist. They will drain the life out of you. Save yourself. Love yourself. Leave these toxic human beings.
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“I don’t know who I am anymore” My biggest takeaway is being validated from this video. I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you ❤
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@@JayShettyPodcast. UA-cam algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! ua-cam.com/video/-bF2NyJ-ouI/v-deo.htmlsi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B
Prof Sam Vaknin
What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.
Our families groomed us.
Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.
I am speechless. I went through every single thing you are speaking on. At the time, I was completely in the dark. I got to a point where I was in a deep, dark hole. I feel as if I was having an out-of-body experience, my spirit was guiding my physical body, when I finally decided to go through the motions to get out of a toxic relationship. You are spot on when you talk about doing the smallest of tasks, checking the temperature, what time is it, learning to walk all over again. The grief came out of nowhere and the pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. The guilt, the blame, the weight of feeling inadequate and 100% personally wrong with everything in the world was almost unbearable. He has and had zero accountability and will still tell everyone what an amazing person he is and to my surprise and disbelief, I have zero care. I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I have no love, no hate, no vengeance, I simply just don't care. We even speak civilly from time to time. I never thought I would be where I am today. I don't know how but I survived and I am thriving. I am still a work in progress and pray that I have many, many more years to enjoy to make up for all of the time that I wasted on hating myself. Listening to you speak is as if you wrote my story. I am grateful that I came across your Podcast. Thank you
The best method for determining if someone is a narcissist is to be in a relationship with one. The patterns are very distinct .
Don't need to be in a relationship with someone named Bob to tell he's a miserable demon
Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏
I am healing and getting better everyday 💕
I can never go back to what broke me 👌
I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority
I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘
I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer
@emmahayles1207 thanks 😊
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Amen “ My mental health is my top priority “ I kept telling myself this when I got the strength to walk away from my ex
Just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. We have 2 kids (& currently 3rd surprisingly on the way 🥲). I’ve been at the lowest point of my life while he goes off doing what he wants totally unaffected, but your podcasts are the reason I’m getting 1% better every day. Thank you Jay 🙏🏼
You’re amazing, a mom too, wow your kids will be proud. There is no words for the hurt and pain… you’re really not alone believe me a random stranger on the internet, that even though we’re miles away, I’m telling you heart to heart we’ve been at the same places and through the same feelings. Self love 1st always. I wish you the best sister❤️
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We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware.
I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much
Completely agree!
There's definitely a spiritual component to this. Empath vs narc, light vs dark dynamic!
I believe NPD is a form of demon possession - no doubt at all.
i believe this too
Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.
I think that too
No it’s not
I was in this relationship for over 32 years and I am finally taking the first steps to healing, detaching and surviving. I am beginning to value myself worth, myself respect, my self awareness, and loving the person I was before I met this man. I wish him absolutely no harm or anything negative. We share three wonderful adult children and I do love him, but I have to love me and I want peace in my life.
I'm so happy to be alive during Dr. Ramani's existence. She is truly an expert in the field and one of the most knowledgeable people on narcissism.
Started my journey with therapy this year, after reflecting I learnt that I attracted alot of narcissist in relationships/friendships, I now have a very supportive group of healthy friends around me who made me tap into therapy and heal myself. One thing I realised, narcissist love to make you feel inferior. Make you feel like your dreams are out of reach while they continue to suck the living soul out of you. The Volcano concept just blew my mind away. The world would be better if more people tapped into themselves and considered therapy. Thank you Dr.Ramani.
Realizing someone just will never change is actually so healing. That is helping me to let go of someone who hurt me.🙏🏽. Don't wish them bad but just finally am coming to peace with letting go because once you also realize your kindness keeps getting taken for granted that is enough to give you strength and get up and move on 🙏🏽
Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.
So real
You feel grief too, for losing the person who you potentially thought was really there but who was only pretending to be good
I want to come back and read this, if you see this, just like, I need this reminder, be cold and unavailable
I felt this one
How can you be cold when your heart is cracked open and you’re sad about what you lost (aka what you never had)?
Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.
I absolutely love Dr. Ramani. Every time I listen to her talk about narcissistic abuse it makes me feel whole. Especially when she tells us that we don’t have to forgive our abusers in order to get healing.
This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot
I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.
Amen.
The part about not needing to forgive is a first for me! Never ever heard anyone say this before- I have gone to great lengths to forgive because it’s what I’ve always heard. “FORGIVE”
And it really has been to my detriment 🙇🏾♀️ I will definitely be thinking hard about this new found information
TRAUMA BOND. Its like STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.
It is helping and doing favor for the abuser without understanding why, it is wondering for years why i m doing that? why i can not stop? why i m Afraid ? why this relationship is so powerful while i know something is wrong and i have to leave? Why i feel like zombie alive but dead at the same time ? Why i m like someone hypnotysed i want to leave but i can not i can not move? Like Stockholm syndrome no control of my actions, Sense of being in Fairytale or dream or nightmare, sense of surreality.
Totally
@@user-o5bz6bd9bm exactly! Years ago when I was married to a narcissist, I felt all those things you just said, and it was before anyone was talking about narcissism and trauma bonding and I thought I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome!
Cptsd
Agree completely! At one point I was told by a very close friend that what was going on with me sounded like I was suffering with Stockholm syndrome I looked it up and it changed the way I looked at him! I was helping my abuser for years.
The name they had for it before narcissism was EVIL
It is evil. It is demonic as a matter of fact.
The evil who has potential to be criminals.
Exactly.. simply put they are possessed. I ran for dear life. They find joy to mess up lives, looking for excuses to do evil and wickedness . No one can change them except Almighty God. Money can’t satisfy them, not satisfied with sex so they indulge in multiple partners which still doesn’t satisfy them. Date them but don’t settle in with them.
Devil suits them better. They don't act like humans.
So true. 😂
Thank you Dr Ramani for saving my life! As a victim of narcissistic abuse myself, I've never felt so seen, heard and validated!
This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤
So you still with him?
Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.
I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all
Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right."
Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now!
Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.
Forgiveness is an illusion. ❤
I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.
Forgiveness never happens fully … we will move on without them … that’s all
Im so thankful for her to be able to identify spot on the list of issues im facing.
I’m married to a Narcissist and the constant struggle that comes is he says “you took vows to stay “ and he always says “
why do you keep bringing up the past “
The thing is he refuses to get help or change!
The most painful part is my husband knows that I survived so much from my childhood and even early adulthood and he uses that to hurt me. Also my stupid self keeps telling myself oh he’s trying to change and then boom!!! And he has great qualities but he KNOWS WHAT HE DOES! 💔
Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.
For me it was 32 years with a covert narc.
I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani
Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares
It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏
@@LauraDinh-ui6rd There is nothing quite like that first breath of freedom when you have finally escaped!! It's intoxicating!
Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.
Yes. But I have empathy for the handicapped kids she’s feeding off… and all the unwitting flying monkeys that support her!
🎉I can relate
As an empath, consistently forgiving a narcissist for each transgression as time goes on, in order to survive, ends up basically turning you into an involuntary enabler.
I think once people realize that this is a deep psychological condition that is never healed or can be changed in the narcissist it will free up people from thinking they have any responsibility not that they had any to begin with
Discernment is tantamount when dealing in any relationship. I take the responsibility for whom I deal with . Live and learn.
Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video
I think it’s even more difficult for men because people don’t equate narcissism with women.
Tell me about it 😂 I was with a stalker who would watch me on spy cams & call to tell me they just felt I was looking in the mirror doing my hair to go out yet I have not shared any of my plans with him 🤷🏾♀️ went out & some man spoke to me then he called pretending he heard someone say hey asking who is that when it was jack silent in the background then came to visit me once I got home from a forced outing to relieve myself from his bullshit & proceeds to say he doesn't want a woman like that 😂😂 a woman who goes out to have fun with no man to answer to as he assumes that any real woman wants a man like him 😂😂 a man who is controlling & incapable of genuine connection because he's personally suppressed from living up to being a traitor ✌🏽 the jokes are themselves
I didn’t know what it was until 2 years into my relationship with my husband, he is generous but wants praise all the time control every situation talks about everything he does for people like we owe him. Staying focused every negative energy etc……
Learning something new. This was the most empowering thing I did as woman, building a set of IKEA furniture for my new place, going back to hobbies that I was held back from. After years of being doubted and broken down, today I feel unstoppable.
And this is just the beginning of your journey! All the love and hugs to you. You are a survivor ❤️ 😊 x
I will never go back & they will never find me where they thought they left me at ✌🏽
I thought as long as i stayed single, I'd be safe from narcissistic relationships. I was so naive
You are teaching me so much, thank you.
“This thing dismantled me brick by brick. I was really well put together when I met this person.” When she said that, it brought me to tears in an instant. How can the old me feel so distant, like a person I can barely remember?
38 years married to one. I wish I had known this way back then. Thank you for trying to educate people before they have to live through HELL
What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship?
You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever.
Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry,
narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the:
“I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM”
Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side.
Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is.
Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for.
Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously.
Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent.
FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you.
Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics)
Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort.
You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him.
Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years.
FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU.
You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate.
YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun.
Don’t do that.
Do exactly why you’re doing.
Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in.
Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share.
At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone.
Quora let’s you know you’re not alone.
There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists.
They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies.
AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.
Just know you are precious! That's probably why the narcissist hand picked you. ❤️ Sorry to hear
15 yrs🙋🏽♀️ and going
@@Callmebianca-j2w ?
Do you know what happened to him? Has he ever become a better person?
the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me!
I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.
I love the space Jay gave Dr. Ramani to share her wisdom. Biggest takeaway: if you are distanced from the person, you can allow empathy for them. But if you’re not distanced, no empathy allotted. Boundaries for self! ❤
Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.
Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida
Thank you so much for speaking up for the FORGIVER … many People say often that in order to heal you have to forgive. That forgiving is for yourself. I will never forgive and I don’t have to 😢thank you
You can forgive AND walk away. Forgiving doesn't mean you allow their behavior in YOUR life, it means letting go of focusing on them. When you forgive you stop feeding that trauma and that darknessn. You then have the energy to focus on healing and on those people who deserve your attention.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.
@@lindarusch9660 that's a rly good reminder. I feel I also need to forgive myself >< because I've also said hurtful things when provoked to anger and I hate raising my voice in the process of trying to be heard and push back. I don't like that side of myself when around this narc. >< The feeling is awful:'(
@@nikkian9254
Agree completely.
@@nikkian9254totally get it, they make us do and say stuff that doesn't resemble us. I cut ties with my mother before she got me to say or do anythg i would regret and it's the main reason i will not talk to her again. She's not changing and i can't control my anger around her anymore. Time to cut tiesbefore i do or say somethg that is hurtful and does not resemble me
@@tina-jr9sl Yeah boundary setting and staying level headed is hardest around them because there's often times no logic to them >< That's so great you were able to leave and create that needed distance with your mother~ Its nice to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm not crazy @.@ I actually feel more stable and joy when I'm not around them and don't miss them as much as I would think. I desire intimacy and closeness with my mother but remind myself that it's her who chooses not to have that with me through her actions and I have to mourn the mother i wished I had and accept things as they are. I'm still in contact with her and she visits usually once a week and I'm learning more when she has crossed my boundaries and to communicate my needs quickly, and if she doesn't respect that, I let her know it's time to go home and that I need to rest for the day.
To say the least, my X was raised in a toxic family environment. I knew and seen the red flags. I was empathic and hoped for the best. In the end. Just happy memories and sadness. Now, I will know better.
This was basically a therapy session, and I’m so thankful for it!
Dr Ramani is an exceptionally intelligent, insightful and empathetic lady. Her expertise in narcissism shines brightly into the darkness of narcissistic abuse. God bless her. 💕
just thought this and saw your msg
Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!
Thank YOU!
Dr Ramani is a blessing to humanity. I have a narcissistic mother and also had a partner with the same qualities. It has been a life long journey. Each time I listen to her I am able to feel more at ease and validate myself. When she talked about the internal struggle "I hate myother, I understand her' I started sobbing
Thank you, doctor and thank you Jay
Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.
❤❤❤
How do you heal that ptsd when you’re still in it
Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious.
Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder.
Such a good hear 🥹🥺
Thank you for watching!
This woman is a genius. She is so beautiful and smart inside and out. She has really helped me thank you Dr. Ramani you’ve given me light and encouragement. Words can’t describe how grateful I am you are so gifted and I appreciate you. Thank everyone involved in this podcast. I hope you read this
I'm supposed to be studying right now but I will save this video later. Definitely a must ❤ She has gotten me to realize I was being manipulated hardcore and helped me ground myself and become level headed. Sometimes you just need to hear you're not crazy.
❤❤❤
11:07 She hit the nail….we met young & he demented me brick by brick over 30yrs.
Just ended my relationship yesterday with a very narcissistic man. I feel so much lighter. I was so excited to learn more and just start new. I loved and still love him. But I love him in a different way. I will NEVER go back.
Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.
Well, I forgive , but told him I’m not God, I can’t forget. Gone dissociated, cuz I can’t go no contact!
Narcissism is deeply embedded in south asian, east European, middle eastern and Indian culture. Traditional good women are the biggest target for narcs! They love how serving and giving those women are, narcs love it. South asian culture has this normalized for generations, it’s not even looked at as weird. Women who create boundaries are tagged as selfish and bad women. Women are expected to embrace a life of suffering in silence
That’s very sad glad you were awakened to it ❤️
@@elizabethf9096 It's not better in Western societies. Men in Western societies are simply more covert, passive-aggressive and manipulative than other men. I hope you will awaken to that truth someday. 💖
So sad 😢🙏🏾♥️
Not just men can be narcs in South Asia, women can be too. That’s nasty…
K. Was literally just thinking this about
Myself. My narc uses bible verses to go against everything I try to do. “Maybe god didn’t put me with a Godly woman.” “Well you can go find yourself one.” *stays*?!??
What an amazing conversation. I don't know how many times after leaving a toxic relationship, I've said I have to get back to myself and who I really am.