This is exactly what I experienced after my ex left me. When I hit a bump in the road of my life shortly after that, I felt a distinct sense of relief that I didn’t also have to deal with his response to my struggle. That told me a lot… Although more than a year later, I’m still trying to make sense of the toxic patterns in that relationship..
I would agree that Dr Ramani has saved my life. I am now understanding more about my covert narcissist husband. I am getting the clarity I so needed , to deal with all the insanity of what has gone on for 40 or more years. Thank you so much. Please keep these videos going. They are life changing.
Right. My ex narc would say: “I just want to be left alone ” at that point he didn’t need or want anything from me but when he did the cycle would begin once again and so did the love bombing
Yes. My husband will hide away in the bedroom. I for the longest longest time thought it was because it was because of me or he was hiding from the kids. But now know it is because he is not getting something from us. He will emerge and find something negative to fixate on.
Another disturbing tactic a narcissist uses to trap you, apart from fear of the unknown, is this: The moment you start catching on about their toxicity, they flip sides and start love-bombing you again like in the beginning of your friendship/relationship. And they are very capable of flipping this switch extremely instantaneously. It leaves you gasping for breath in the chaotic confusion.
In my case after I let her know about my concerns that we hardly were talking and that I wanted to get closure and move on, she would only say what a good friend she is and always has her arms open for me but in reality she would act worse in her toxic patterns, more neglect, more lies and even spread negative information about me to people and friends to make herself look like the caring good person
So disgusting! Ever since my husband has been served with papers he is super dad, always nice, always around with a smile on face, after being absent and a screaming yelling abusive human for months neglecting me and our kids to be “left alone” crazzzyyyy
“Before you diagnose yourself as depressed. Make sure that you have not been surrounded by a bunch of assholes” This has become my favorite quote and I’m now consciously aware that it’s probably NOT ME!
A great quote, Imo by Freud, not by William Gibson.(narc) I'm not a fan of Freuds work but from my life experience it's true. The persons suffering from serious depression or burn-out were married with a narcissist. Toxic, manipulative, suppressive people, spaces, work, companies make you feel 'tired', drain your energy etc.Feels so good to be aware and get them out of your life!
@@annekerotterdam7499 I mean you can be surrounded by this kind of people and because of them get depressed but this fact doesn't invalidate your depression
Dear one I feel you! ,💛 My mom always made it about her or belittled me... When I was around 14 i told her that I cut myself on purpose (it really wasn't deep, it was just like a "hey look at me I am sad" and she mocked me, saying thats no real cutting, she's seen worse. When I was 22 I told her "do you even know, that I tried to kill myself at 15 and her response "so what, you know how often I wanted to kill myself?" ...which I knew, cause she kept telling me over and over again, which made me grow up thinking I have to save her) I hope you are able to validate your own pain now. Hugs to you
To everyone here: You are strong! You are capable! You are worthy! You are enough! You are beautiful! You will be alright! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be loved in a healthy way! Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs 🍀⭐💐✨💖
Same. I had to walk on eggshells around Mommy Dearest after _my_ suicide attempt because she got offended by me trying to off myself. Also, I was 10 years old at the time.
@@joysnow3779 Still in contact unfortunately, but at least I haven't been living with her, or the other narc of the family, for over 10 years now. Thanks for the wishes
Hi Dr Ramani, I just wanted to let you know that discovering your channel saved me. I finally got the courage last week to leave my 8.5 year relationship with a covert narcissist
My divorce after 33 years married to a narcissist was final yesterday! I left him 2 months ago. The healing process has been like a daily Rollercoaster ride. At first it was hourly up & downs! The most difficult part of the relationships with people like this is having the courage to leave! WE DID THAT!!! I wish you the best on your healing journey 🙏
1- Justification 2- Future faking 3- Repetition compulsion 4- Mystical magical thinking of the trauma bonded partner 5- Fear of leaving 6- Becoming a one-stop shop for your partner 7- Hiding your feelings and needs 8- Rationalising the relationship to other people or hiding the patterns
I don't see how number 6 is so much a bad thing???? As a man anyway. My legit understanding of it was "as a man you're supposed to be all things." I'm wondering now to what foundational level I have flawed thinking an assumptions.
@@pandemicneetbux2110For the last two months, I couldn’t work as I am a substitute teacher, and it was summer. So I decided to clean the kitchen. I kept the dishes up and the trash and the fridge and the counters looking nice. Before I got married my mom did most of the the housework, so I drove everywhere doing errands for her when I wasn’t working. Hour long distances. They said my brothers drove an hour two, but there’s was 30 minutes one way. Mine was 1 hour one way. So anyway, nothing I have done for my mom or my husband has pleased them. I got sick last week and couldn’t work, and my husband let me know that I didn’t work for the whole month of September as well, as he was hammering frozen fruit before putting it in a blender. When I asked him why he did such a thing as to wake me up, he said,” go to bed!” So now I have to go to work even though I am sick, because he is so toxic that I can’t stay home. That’s what it means to be a personal assistant but,in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
@@pandemicneetbux2110This video is about how an abused person may feel in a trauma- bonded (abusive) relationship. Feeling you need to be a one stop shop to fulfill your abusers needs is very unhealthy, it doesn't promote an healthy, balanced life. I imagine an abused person in this situation may be living their life walking on eggshells. In a non-abusive relationship this would be very different.
Remember though, that the thing humans fear ...above ALL other things, eeven more than pain (in all its forms) is...CHANGE We will tend to recreate the home we were raised in. If that was stable and happy we will yearn for that. But if it was chaotic, abusive or unhealthy in any other way, we subconsciously will also attempt to create that. If the only people you've ever seen in your life that connected *(and that might be your mom and your grandmother or your dad and your mom or your dad and your sister .. families are tricky things) fought all the time, and exhibited unhealthy behavior..... You don't know any other way 🤷🏻♀️ That seems like black and white to you but to the rest of us? What does normal mean what does healthy mean and what are the rules of life??? I caught glimpses of "healthy" on the rare occasion that I was let out of my prison to go spend the night somewhere with a "friend' but that's not enough. It's what you're immersed in It's what you are a part of It's what you live in your family unit. Whether that's blood or water shack or Mansion. If you don't know the difference between what's healthy and what's unhealthy and what's right and what's wrong and what's black and what's right then That's when the person becomes putty in a narcissist's hands THE SAD THING IS HOW FAMILIAR THAT FEELING IS. IF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO A NARCISSIST IN THE ROLLER COASTER LOVE BOMB / ABUSE RELATIONSHIP THAT BRINGS... YES THE TRAUMA BOND.... THE CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD THAT YOU WERE RAISED BY ONE OR MORE. 2:53
IBS, migraines, weight changes, panic attacks and endless crying ... your body knows this is unhealthy for you. Get out. Stay safe. Take medication if you need to, definitely find a trauma counselor and be kind to yourself. It probably took years if not decades to find yourself here so it will take time to find yourself again. Wishing y’all the best.
You're so right! I developed a very serious illness and he wasn't there for me at all. Now I'm 100% better and know it was the stress from him that caused it.
I hid and defended his bad behaviors so much.... Painting a pretty picture of what we really had so much that when the smear came in come along I look like a liar. It didn't help that he pretended to profess undying love the whole time you smeared me and was destroying me. You hit the nail on the head with this video
It was like I had a debt with narciccist and I could never pay that debt ,because I never knew how much I owed the narciccist for the relationship .And that debt was with emotions , time , and energy .
My ex narcissistic boyfriend will never have any "normal" relationships, never be happy (misery loves company), will always be angry and abusive. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I walked away several months ago after watching just a couple of Dr. Ramani's videos. The information finally reached my brain. Thank you Dr. R for making me understand that I matter and I'm enough.
I never hid my feelings so it was always a cycle of hurt. He would gaslight me and tell me I was too sensitive and emotional, when in reality I was just responding to his abuse.
EXACTLY WHY I LEFT!!! Just got out of an almost two yr relationship and every time I brought up our issues/problems it was always me! I was the one who was too sensitive and over emotional, he's my 'rock'. It made me feel like I was insane!! Im so glad I'm not alone!!
Same here but I couldn't leave I ended distancing myself and he finished us 2 weeks ago I feel lost I depended on him so much I realise how much of my life had been taken over I am free now getting there slowly
Same. If someone tells you nasty things and then calls you a crybaby... If someone comes to you angry about something that wasn’t your fault, and then when you are angry because of being blamed for the thing that was not your fault the person is more angry than you because he thinks you weren’t supposed to be angry... When someone is upset, and then is more upset because you aren’t as upset as they are... You really don’t know if you are coming or going!
The frightening thing is that once you become fully aware of narcissistic abuse and understand the ramifications you can't go back to not seeing it. You can't look at your narcissistic partner the way you used to before. They say Ignorance is bliss this is exactly it, because all I see now is someone that is not well and in need of help. That's the only way I can make it through the day.
“What if I’m wrong?” has weighed heavily in my mind since early childhood, knowing things weren’t right but feeling unable to see the bigger picture and believing invalidation meant love. If someone takes the time and effort to constantly criticise and judge you it means they care, right? No, It robs you of your confidence and identity.
Reading this hurts my heart for you. If you are here...watching these videos....chances are you are right. Take all the time you need to make the right decision for you.
@@emmalee7284 Thank you for your kind words. Dr Ramani’s videos are incredible in helping piece together a very tangled, complex issue. Also the chance to share with others. Wishing you the very best, take care 😊
Yeah. As a child you think it's normal, and you take that out into the world. I hope you can heal these wounds. They've take your past; they don't deserve your future.
@Suzanne Henderson ❤️❤️❤️thank you for this comment. I am constantly struggling with confidence issues because I grew up thinking like this. Even now as I am learning to grow out of it, it always comes back and I find myself having the same question all the time. That maybe I am the problem and I cannot see it or I do not want to see it. I always seem to find myself experiencing the same questions especially when I think I have made a step forward in gaining more confidence.
“Toxic personalities are really rigid and do not change”. As a trauma bonded victim of narcissistic abuse, I sincerely thank you Dr Ramani for explaining this. I can travel a little farther on my path to healing now❤️🌸
Definitely the most prevalent. I KNOW how unhealthy our relationship is; how toxic, how twisted.... And what the effects are on my mental wellness and my physical health. .. But,.. Just can't let go. .... .. I wish I could.
To everyone here: You are strong! You are capable! You are worthy! You are enough! You are beautiful! You will be alright! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be loved in a healthy way! Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs 🍀⭐💐✨💖
Some people give "standard advice" that you should keep your relationship issues within the relationship, because if you share bad things your spouse does, then your friends and family may lose respect for your spouse. I believe that a narcissist abuser created and perpetuates that advice.
I always felt that way. Until after I was divorced from him. He was saying bad things about me all along. All lies, and people were wondering how long it would be before I left him. They knew, about his cheating, and no one ever told me. Then I found out, and they said they wondered how long it would take me to leave. So sad.
@@caligirl1002 How funny. Me too. After I left, several friends disclosed that he had been cheating for years. But they didn't feel like it was their place to tell me before I left.
Yes, the narcissist is afraid to lose control. I told my family and friends of his cheating and he became very upset with me. He told me this should only stay between you and I. Personally, I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time, but I told my family because I felt so lost and I needed them to be my support and reality check. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance.
“They will never be happy “. The most powerful statement. Trying to please my highly critical and negative father, my 82 year old extremely demanding mother, and my ex husband was exhausting. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with holes, and meeting a goal when they keep shifting the goalposts. All three are covert narcs who refuse to be happy. You lose yourself trying to help them, and depression sets in. I’m now walking away from all that and life is so much better.
Life with covert husband is so hard I wish u Luck for your healing and journey finally after 4 years I divorced my covert narcs husband 2 month ago and It still hurts but I feel little better
@@lali5067 Right on. I think it was year 5 after divorce...one day I was cleaning something in my daughter's room, and all of a sudden I say my divorce papers in my mind's eye, and the words THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE! jumped into my ears! That was 40+ years ago, and I remember it like yesterday. It felt great, and it kept feeling good.
One big lesson I have learned from a narcissistic relationship is, that people might hurt me on purpose. It could be their goal, to make me feel bad. It could be their goal, to retraumatize me. I hadn't known that. I assumed, that people would hurt me by accident, as a negative byproduct of their absence of knowledge. My cluelessness about this, made me love unconditionally. Unconditional love kept me in the relationship for too long. Unconditional love is not always a noble goal. It can be self-destructive. Maybe unconditional love is something, that I didn't have, when I deserved it. It could be why I wanted to bring it into this world, by spreading it myself.
After I got a anxiety attack during a verbal fight, I was told that he wanted to see how much hurt I could take, and he confirmed that I could not take much! On that condition of breathless ness and grasping to the air from my mouth, I was told that don't breath like this! Like I was doing it intentionally. I did not know a single term about gaslighting or narcissistic relationship, but my whole body and mind was just started to reject him after that incident. I was still with him feeling stuck, fighting back my rebellious mind more than one year after that incident until next incident happened which completely put me into trauma and I had to leave to save my life. And these all happen while being in another country far away from my family. During this 6 year long marriage there was no physical abuse. But I had no idea that emotional abuse is a thing. And the continuous stress has a real impact on your body as well. Yes I was also looking for unconditional Love!
Loving unconditionally. Seeing the best in ppl. And being extremely empathic. All good qualities that a narcissist uses against us. I’ve been so mistreated. And he’s tried to convince me I am so beyond repair that nobody could love me. That I deserved all the abuse. And that I was the abuser. My mind has been so messed with..
2:30 justification 3:50 believing the future faking 5:16 keep having same fight repeatedly 6:36 fantasy thinking about trauma bonded partner 7:41 fear of leaving 8:39 becoming one-stop shop for partner 9:45 hiding feelings and needs 11:15 rationalizing or hiding the relationship from other people
Thank you! I was looking for specifically this. Going into a one on one therapy session tomorrow and can't listen again right now to take my notes because I'm in a shared space.
This was my entire relationship with a covert narc: Learning to shut down and not talking about feelings or communicating because it creates conflict. Narc: "you're cold and distant. You can't communicate." He even bought me a book on communication as a 'joke'. I started to believe him. Spending an entire day of peace with him - I cooked dinner, made cocktails, put a movie on, music on, etc... give give and give. Narc: lies in my bed at the end of the night "I don't feel close to you." That paralyzed me so bad. Got back together with the Narc under the promise that he would go to therapy. He went 3 times and never again. Apparently that got to him because he told me to go to therapy 5 months later. I rang him to ask if he was watching the beautiful lunar eclipse and he said "you need to go to therapy. I can't deal with your feelings. I don't like it." I got so upset but not over the mention of therapy, over the fact that he didn't care enough to address this with me face-to-face with love and empathy. Instead, he made it about himself. My pain, feelings or emotions were ALWAYS an inconvenience. He would tell me that he wanted me to "open up" more, and I never felt safe enough to do so. And the occasional moments I did, I received no support, only him playing the victim and making it about himself. One time he looked me dead in the eye after hearing my feelings and said "do you think you're bi polar? You might be. Oh, God, I'm terrified of you now." For the last month, I was waiting for him to break up with me as I didn't think I could do it again. Watching him break down and use tears and playing the victim would have made me explode with frustration, which is what he did the first time I broke up with him. I was waiting to be discarded, and my asking for a night (space) to myself was the tipping point. He broke up with me the next day. Funny, because he always said "if you ever need space baby you just gotta send me a message and I'll respect it." He was also OBSESSED with being NEEDED and I couldn't fathom why. "I don't need you to cook me dinner, but I want you to and appreciate and love it when you do." Is what I would say to him and he didn't like it. I realise now that was him trying to have me rely on him completely - tethering myself to him so that he had more control and could isolate me from my support group. When I would confront his cold ways of addressing me: like telling me to go to therapy over the phone, he would reply with "I thought you like cold. You're cold. I was just interacting with you the way I thought you wanted. Isn't this what you wanted?" That messed with my head big time... I'm lucky it was only 6 months, I'm lucky I didn't give this man my youth. I won't let this experience make me hard to the world, I will remain soft, loving and trusting of good people and men. I refuse to let this narc make me believe things about myself that I know is untrue. I am a survivor and a thriver, and now I'm a shit ton wiser.
Very true. I was able to leave only when I saw clearly that he didn't believe there was anything wrong with his behavior and therefore very highly unlikely to improve. As Slipknot's Snuff says "It took the death of hope to let you go"...
A good modern proverb that would be interesting to get your take on - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" - Dr. Maya Angelou
...and you'll continue to satisfy your own desires as well. Being single and alone is way better than being in a relationship where you have to do all of the work, but get none of the benefits of being in a relationship.
The most frustrating part of this journey is the low key drama as I try to get emotionally healthy and break the chainsof my trauma bond, so as to eventually leave this relationship. Now, my husband tries to act as if I'm the narcissist because I've become more distant. But I've become more distant in order to save my own sanity. Gone is a girl that rushed to the door to greet him while he scowled at me and slammed the door. Or the girl that he left alone in the hospital after the birth of his children. This is the same guy who told me that wasn't it enough that he told me he loves me during sex, why did he have to do with outside the bedroom? 14 years and I'm finally trying to find myself, my own voice and now he acts as if I'm the narcissist, sending me articles and things on how to better our relationship... it's infuriating but I'm going gray rock, chanting mantras, keeping my cool for my children and eventually I will be out of here.
I fear and feel this. I became distant to get out of my current relationship for my own sanity and I fear of her thinking that I'm a narcissist or something, or just generally toxic. I felt like she implied pretty much during our last conversation. But I just had to get out for my sanity. And she actually did send me a picture about communication. I was like "It's gotten past that point" I said that in my head as I didn't respond, I didn't want to get sucked back in. Even now #5 is in my head, thinking "What if I'm wrong?"
I needed to hear this. 26 years married to a narcissist who literally trapped me in a deep rural area with no access to money or a vehicle. All these points play into it. I'm looking for a way out, finally.
I have been there. Don't look, just do it. The time will never ever be ideal or right. Get out while you can and look back later. Look forwards for now. You are being held prisoner. Plan your escape quietly and then escape. Waiting is just playing into his hands.
You can do it. Since you put up with all of this for so many years.. that means you are incredibly strong! You have the power inside you, it was just hidden or the narcissist sucked it out of you... But you can do it! 🙏🙏♥️♥️🙏🙏
Key Points: 1. Justification - a way to break that inconsistent thinking (I want this relationship to last/this person is being cruel to me) so you justify it so you feel ok with it. 2. Believing the future faking - believing the future promises. Also seen when you starting to think about leaving the relationship. People in trauma bonded relationships want to leave, and the toxic person notices and makes future fakes. These become places to hang the justifications on. 3. Keep having the same fight over and over - repetition compulsion with no resolution because the toxic partner has no intention to change. Indicative of the lack of empathy and growth in the toxic partner and the trauma bonded partner is trapped in hope. 4. Mystical magical thinking about the relationship. People may even point out to the trauma bonded person how unhealthy the patterns are, and the trauma bonded person may struggle to give clear reasons about why they stay in the relationship - “I don’t know, its just something about them” - this magical thinking keeps them stuck. 5. Fear of leaving - major theme is that even as the person gets closer to recognizing this is not a healthy relationship, a fear comes over them. What if I’m wrong? After so many years of making justifications and confusions, can drive a fear of going into the unknown. 6. Becoming a one stop shop for your partner - we see the trauma bonded person becoming a one stop shop for their partner and become a personal assistant that does everything for them. You try to be what they want. But what they want can shift daily, and when they suddenly shift on the daily, and are not interested in you, they don’t want to be bothered so you never know when to be on or not. This zeal to be all things can overtake a person in a trauma bonded relationship with the belief that if I do enough for them, they will be happy. But it wont because they wont be capable. 7. Hiding your feelings or needs - this may be the most painful in the trauma bonded relationship, where you do not feel that you can share your feelings, needs, or vulnerabilities. And it is true, you cant share those things without getting hurt. The pattern of hiding these things in a trauma bonded relationship is not about a survival strategy, it is about a self devaluation and a fear of upsetting the toxic partner (walking on eggshells). Holding back needs and feelings is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive. If you decide to stay, you do not get to share your feelings because it is not worth the strife and invalidation. 8. Rationalizing the relationship to others/hiding the patterns - people do not often share what is really happening. They are aware that what is happening is not a good look, but for all the reasons listed, they are caught in a cycle of defending it to themselves, which extends out to the world as well. A trauma bonded person may describe the relationship as good, share the future fakes, or hide the truth. This means many trauma bonded people do not get the support they need since they are offering up a rosy picture and the patterns stay stuck.
Thank you, I’ve just screen shotted your précis. This is all completely true about my 13 year relationship and I’m trying to leave, but even though I know that I STILL can’t give the decisive blow. I’m using all these techniques to hang on. I’m absolutely crazy at this point and my friends are begging me to escape. Aaaarrrggh!
@@Jettypilelegssave your mental health and flee Prepare carefully and get help from safe place... And may the help for you will always come from safe place, so you'll not do " out off the fire and into a frying pan" Good luck
Fear IS such a huge part. Avoiding that inevitable pain that comes with leaving. Knowing they’ll end up with someone else. Knowing I’ll be blamed even though I truly loved until infidelity struck. But “it’s been such a long time… just thought we could get through it together”. And he’s never do that again you know. Just leaves you feeling defeated and sick. Maybe we’ll move away. Maybe he’ll schedule therapy again. Maybe he is my person and these are just the mountains you climb together along that way. Maybe I’m just trauma bonded. Why else would this eat away at my soul the way it does Thank you doctor. You are a true blessing
We get addicted to the the nice part of the toxic person, the part that she/he showed at first and every once in a while afterwards, always hoping that it will come again and this time for good.
I thought, that I was responsible for my own happiness. Whenever he treated me badly, I only asked myself: "Am I happy with myself? How do I want to react the next time, he behaves like that?" I didn't ask myself, what he should change. I only asked myself, how I can be myself, despite his behaviour. After the relationship, I realised, that I wanted to change this about myself. The question shoud not be anymore: "How can I be happy, despite him?" I want to be with someone, who even nourishes my positive charasteristics.
Life should be about thriving, not just existing. You have the right to a relationship that nourishes your soul. I wish you every happiness for the future. 🌟
@@sophiafreewoman3352 So familiar. I always thought I was being so psychologically healthy by only focusing on myself and what I could change. The thought of leaving the relationship was so foreign that I never even considered it, despite being extremely depressed, anxious, and angry for most of our relationship.
Ugh- being “punished” with emotional distancing and rejection for having legitimate wants and needs is one of the most painful parts of these kinds of relationships. Believing the lie that you have no right to have wants and needs. Also the point about not sharing what’s really happening in the relationship... I even felt shame because I felt that I was bringing the treatment on myself somehow, so I didn’t want to share what was really going on. This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
As an introvert, the worst part was them approaching me constantly and not giving me space to think. I was grateful when they would try to give me the silent treatment. It was much needed quiet so I could finally halfway chill out. It never lasted long enough though so we had to kick them out.
very true: This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
I just saved this video under a list called "Watch when you feel weak" --because there are times I second-guess my decisions about my relationship-and this video is ALL I need to validate myself... thank you so much Dr Ramani!!!
My husband of 20 years passed a little over four months ago. I have been working to process not only my grief, but also deconstructing our relationship. He was abusive for a long time, and he got help. I thought we had finally arrived at a happy place. I’m starting to understand that had just switched his tactics, and I had just kept doing the same thing I had always done. The thing I had to do with my mom and dad years before. I thought I probably was trauma bonded, but I don’t want to believe it. This video was very helpful in moving me on to the next thing I need to look at. I want to be as healthy as possible moving forward. Thank you.
Learn the patterns. Know them well. See them. Flee them. Run. Away. She is too subtle to say it perhaps dye to licensing issues, but I have no licensing. You now understand the fact that THEY. can not will not change therefore we must change... Locations... Proximities... By fleeing .. run away... And by flee I mean tip toe out of their lives carefully. Do not be in the home packing up - send a crew with policia escorts to pack up and move your place after informing your local police.
The narc gets you to react so that they can (literally) siphon your energy. Good reaction, negative reaction...Any reaction will do. As long as you react, they're in. The guy I left used to leave me if we were out in public, looking for women to "approve of him" which meant he was looking for people to open to him so that he could vampire their energy. That's how they operate. Even hooked into people over the phone. He'd get all excited speaking to any female on the other end. He got excited over trampy women at gas stations, underage girls at restaurants, the girl or woman at the drive-through window, receptionists at the Drs. office, the mail person, other men's wives, other men's daughters, basically, anything with a pulse. Now it almost seems funny (because I left), but at the time I was watching it, it was literally living with a lunatic. They have almost zero insight into their behavior...justify their crazy, think they are the best...because they are heavily deluded and literally taken by demons. Read "People of the Lie," by M. Scott Peck, if you are a brave person.
@@eagleeye2300 I think it's the supply they need it's like oxygen to them and literally can't breathe without it. Yours gets stale and clogged and runs out of the energy so in order to stay alive they will go to the nearest gas station to fill up. I mean if your tank is on empty do you care what the gas station looks like. No. The nearest one is perfect and your excited to find it because you need to keep going or the car will stall. It's the same. I think you maybe right about being taken by some dark force that literally hypnosis you. It's probably what the vampire movies are based off of. I never in my life could bieleve they are true. It's not blood but energy. I wish you all the blessings and light energy for your days to come. We have discernment now so once the light goes on don't turn it off
2 years ago I was struggling with a narcissist and I was sent a video from a friend telling me to watch you. 2 years into watching all these videos from you and am constantly blown away 😳 It's as if you know my story line for line which tells me my relationship indeed was a cycle of abuse. I attribute alot of my strength 💪 to you for helping me stop the cycle. Now divorced and coping with a narcissist as an ex is still difficult but life is soooooo much better. I wake up with a smile and my kids have a happier mom. I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ for sharing these videos to help us all through it. 🙏 To those reading this....stay strong, take control!
I've been going through the comments and found this. I have a narcissistic husband and staying in this relationship for four years only for my child. People tell me it's better for her to have both parents than just one. I'm not able to tell which is better. I would really like to know your advise. ❤️
@@bluiz4109 Ultimately, I feel like my kids and I are healthier. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally. We were all drained daily, stressed, and walking on eggshells. Now... their dad is happier, I am happier, and we have both found love and are in healthier relationships. I can't give advice since I don't completely know your situation. However, I can happily say that my kids tease me about how cute me and my boyfriend are together and tell me they have never seen me like this before. It's sad... I want my kids to know what love looks like, and I wish their dad and I could have been a better example of that, but...we weren't. We were an example of what a toxic relationship looks like and what a submissive abused wife looks like...and for that....I am sad that they saw that...but I'm glad at this point I'm so happy I'm showing them a better example of a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship and what it looks like. Lots of peoples words made me stay for YEARS longer than than I should have. My advice if anything....is to ignore what others say, follow your heart.
@@bluiz4109 from a family with a narcissistic dad, who used to work abroad for the first 7 years of my life. I wished he'd stay there 😔 life was good with just mom. He ruined the mood constantly, controlled our budget like a scrooge. But afforded himself every luxury. Neglect and occasional physical abuse. Both parents isn't a recipe for a good family but healthy parent(s) is
I recognize these patterns! Was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 8 years! I was constantly making excuses for this person, holding onto the false future, jumping through hoops, unable to have any of my needs validated, constantly reeling from crisis to crisis, too scared to leave, too physically sick to stay. Have recently had contact after 2.5 years...feel the old patterns....me defending and soothing and trying to rescue. Started watching these videos and it is helping me really see what trauma bonding is. I can say I feel like a cult victim.
The feeling I remember most is a sick, empty hollowness whether I was alone or with the narcissist. A tiny bit of attention could fill it up, but mostly I survived on the crumbs of attention thrown my way. I'm so glad I broke away from that and know that feeling for what it is. I will never live that way again.
Waking up to patterns is one of the most unsettling feelings, but knowing is better than not. Most of my life, when partners ask, "what's wrong?," I usually just reply, "I'll be fine,." because I know they won't help me with ANY issue.
If you have a partner that asks “what’s wrong” that is good as they sound like a decent person. My husband of 15+ years and 4 kids later has never asked me that. It would bring me to tears just to have it asked.
@@Star_Light_4 I'd typically say yes, it is a good sign, but not the way it's asked, nor what would generally follow had I actually opened my mouth about what's on my mind.
@ Amanda may. I get it now. I can see how that question can be asked in the wrong way and the fear it would bring up in actually answering it honestly.
Nothing you do is ever enough, it's utter torture trying to keep these individuals happy. When you finally reach breaking point you can't even express it because then you're the one being difficult. They engineer situations to keep you in pain and guilt. Sometimes even clearly inventing things , thoughts and events to gaslight you and cover their own tracks and poor behaviours. It's tiring and actually makes you physically unwell.
@@leahflower9924 haha!.. ahh and there is so much more we could say too right.. I try to keep it clean. Feel free to copy / paste wherever you like. lol ♥️
Well said 👏 your comments summed up my experience so well. Going through trauma bonding is excruciating. The emotional pain and hurt could never be understood by anyone who has not been in a relationship with a narcissist. Im walking on eggshells daily. Never speak about my feelings its pointless. I have never ever experienced such psychological abuse in my whole life. I feel broken.
I couldn’t do it anymore. At the end she was like a bottomless pit. I became exhausted. Then everything got turned around on me and I was called the abusive one. It still hurts when I tried to be nothing but kind and loving while I was beaten down and made to feel worthless by my ex. I tried so hard to help her, build her up, encourage her etc. she never did that for me.
7 months NC with my ex narcissist, and this entire video still spoke to me; especially the having the same fights over and over again. It was like arguing with an infant. There's only going to be one side, because the other side is incapable of any kind of valid response.
Me too. The same arguments would occur over and over without any resolution. And I could never open up about what I wanted without risking devaluation of my wants and needs.
I feel like this sometimes. But he does make some efforts. If he could just moderately change w/ out massive scenes & blow ups, that'd be great. I dont expect him to be brutally mean to ppl, just less passive & more direct. And to just stop entertaining. Bc if u don't know how other heads operate, its exactly that, entertaining. But if he goes big, he goes big in general. Blows up at management, does loud cutesy proving loyalty things. Chasing after me, doesn't care what other males think... etc. Its not that i dont care at all.. bc even at the disrespect of me, I still dont want him to face consquences he cant change. But then hes back at it again. And I act like he doesn't exist like how I feel he does to me. I dont really manipulate... I guess if I do, im not really aware of it. I tried every route I could think of, damnit. Sometimes I think these type videos can do more damage than help tho. Its like so ure saying alotta ppl r fd and we just shouldn't try at all? Theres no hopeful? Sure I've met good ones. And I do wonder why the f I act so iffy about it. I act iffy about more troubled ones too tho. but I just feel like I relate to em better. Only sometimes I think they'll drag me down more & the lesser ones will control, & everyone's a spoiled brat to an extent. I dont just mean financially either. It just feels like im legitimately that one loner who had to do some roaming completely by her lonesome. And No One I've ever met relates to that at all. But sometimes I look at males and females like maybe the reason y you seem more extreme... & constantly way more upset is bc you still Let your baggage physically linger around you. Me? I just up & leave sh. I dont think anyone's right, me included. I prob could just go run back & get hand outs but f all that. Bc if im trying more, the concern wasn't even there anyways. I feel like others ...idek what to think. Thats their normals, I guess
The most dangerous part is when you know you’re with a narcissist but your people fail to listen to you and guide you to change yourself and stay thereby making you feel that something is grossly wrong with you only ... I spent my 21 years trying to convince my parents that I’m in a wrong marriage ... the damage is now irreplaceable...
Hi Dr Ramani, You have saved my mind and ultimately my life. 25 years, looking back now, there were multiple poisonings, pedophilia, male sexual abuse and lastly beaten and strangled! I’m free, I’m broken, but I’m trying. Thank you for you.❤️
I too was strangled 6 weeks ago! He was arrested on second degree assault strangulation DV. I’m still in the home and it is my legal residence AND his parents gave him this house and he is wakey in the head! Tried to take the 1 working vehicle we’ve been sharing (again it’s ‘his’ truck) because the car I purchased from his mother died. He’s at his mothers house and has full use of her brand new car so he doesn’t NEED the truck! Taking it would leave me at the house with two large dogs and no transportation. The judge ‘sided’ with me. I hate this! I don’t know if he’s gonna be a complete dick, or commit suicide???? I’m trying so hard to do the ‘right’ thing here… AND…. I AM DONE RUNNING!
Another pattern might be for the trauma bonded person to begin to "reverse abuse." The toxic person annoys/accuses/abuses/neglects their partner so much that they become angry and begin to "fight back." The trauma bonded person gets angry as they grow and become aware of what's happening/happened. And, if they're still in a relationship, as the repetitive disagreements happen, that anger can be expressed in unhealthy ways. Then, they feel guilt or remorse for behaving badly. Having A HEART, they apologize. But, the gaslighting, lack of empathy, immaturity or lack of change will provoke those feelings again and again. It's better to remove the toxicity in order to not be infected by it. Because that person IS very rigid and, even if they are growing somewhat, what should be received in a healthy relationship won't be given for a very long time. This is especially important for your children. What are they seeing & hearing everyday? How does it impact them? What patterns will they have to work extra hard not to repeat because of what they witnessed? You are all beautiful. Surround yourselves with healthy people who will encourage and support you with truth, love and grace. You deserve love. You are worthy to be loved. And you are capable of being healthy...living healthy...and loving in a healthy way. Seek counseling from a QUALIFIED therapist if you need help. You can heal and your best days are ahead of you. ❤
Yes, Reactive Abuse Syndrome. In other words, you suffer a nervous breakdown. I ended up behaving like him but bc that was in direct conflict with my values, I also ended up in the cardiac ward for 3 days, an angiogram, & a diagnosis of ‘takotsubo cardiomyopathy,’ aka ‘broken heart syndrome.’ Oh the irony! He told the cardiologist it was his fault. Once we got home, he asked me what I was planning to do about landing myself in the hospital. There are no words.
That was exactly what was happening...all that awful treatment and I started fighting back. Basically if I had a problem with the mistreatment and voiced it then he would be mad at me and have a bad attitude/be mean. Finally it became very clear...I took space for myself and because I did that he thought I was bring a bitch. After that I ended it...still feel the bond though, but did break up with him.
This is EXACTLY what I was going through, he made me feel INSANE & then get mad at me for “overreacting”. I found out about his new supply just yesterday, after he’d been keeping me on the hook & calling me daily saying he’s not with anyone, texting me sweet things & lying about her. I sent him the screenshot of her text to a friend about them being together & then blocked him. I hope I ruined his day, even if just for an hour. I’m so done with his gaslighting, psychotic angry episodes & cheating!!!
It wasn’t till I had a child of my own that I realized how bad my parents where. I was 36 when I had my one and only child. It wasn’t for another 10 years I realized just how neglected I was. My father beat me down when I was 15. I was ashamed thought it was my fault. When my son turned 15 I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. My father was the one that should have been shamed. No me. I hope this helps someone.
Later in his life, my father actually admitted to enjoying beating us down. He thought it was "funny" and then justified it with saying "well i did you a favor -toughen your skin" . Yes, we are free - I am glad for you and your son. Sharing helps healing.
That part about relationship with healthy people not being chaotic enough, so it doesn't feel right, is the worst part. Having a terrible relationship with one person, or even 100 people, is one thing. Having your ability to participate in a healthy relationship with anyone completely trashed, so that you are stuck being the one who ruins the relationship with normal people even if they don't, is absolutely the worst.
Recovery from the 5-year friendship with a woman my age has been like surgery without anesthesia. So much pain wasn't worth the good times. I stuffed my feelings after being lied to, baited, gaslighted and tolerating cruel remarks, I blew. I told her that I didn't give a shit how she felt when she tried to play victim and hung up on her. Thank you for helping me heal. I just hope it doesn't take much longer. Vicki
My ex and I were addicted to each other in a toxic way due to both of us having trauma. She was pretty narcissistic with the seeking out validation, admiration, attention seeking, lack of empathy, etc. Ijust felt used and violated, like my person was only there to make her feel better and keep her entertained. Cant recall one time that I felt loved by her tbh. Every single drop had to be about her. It disgusted me. And tore me apart emotionally.
@@travis6694 You've had the life sucked out of you by a vampire and energy tampered with. Hang in there amd take extra good care of yourself. Do & find things that nourish your soul. Steer clear of the low hanging fruit and look after number 1. Time heals everything. Be patient and youll bounce back stronger then ever.👊🏼
Wow! Every. Single. One. I'm one year out now and I've learned a lot, but this brings tears to my eyes. This was my life. ALL of it. I can't say enough how grateful I am to be out.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you just gave a name and a definition to years and years of suffering that almost wiped me out. But not completely, building up one day at a time. You're amazing. Thanks for all your knowledge
So true. Such a pity. To anyone experiencing such relationships: ask for help to leave those toxic, ungrateful and unworthy people. It is possible. I hope we all welcome supportive and kind companions from now on. ❤️
This is so on point my ex used to bring up this same stupid argument time and time again with no resolution, in the end I was exasperated. I'm out of this horrid relationshit now. I am at peace, went no contact 3 months ago and I am getting to my old happy self ♥
8:42 hit me hard! About the trauma-bonded person becoming like a personal assistant, a 'one stop shop' for all their needs. I've been dragged into that over, and over, and over, at the expense of my own life and needs. No more though, no more EVER again! Every time I worry 'what if I am wrong' I remind myself even IF I'm wrong, no contact is essential!
Oh..I'm the ATM money dispenser, appointment keeper, cook, housekeeper, 100% supporter receiving contempt, rudeness, infantile behavior in return. So very sad. Looking for a trauma therapist.
@@whatssolove3798 Stand firm with it honey! I've just had him trying to get back in touch after almost a year with some head games, and had to remind myself not to respond, not to let him drag me back in. That reminder is important ALWAYS, even after you've been no contact for months or years. When they try to get back in contact we mustn't kid ourselves it will be different because it won't. If we give an inch they WILL take a mile...then another mile...and another...until we're left questioning how our healthy boundaries and being assertive didn't work. They won't work on a narc because a narc won't respect them. Our only healthy boundary with a narc is no contact at all. Be strong, you can do this! xx
What can also sometimes get or keep people stuck is when OTHERS assign responsibility to you for that person. "But she needs you!" "Please don't abandon her." etc etc.
It litterally felt like a painful & uncomfortable detox from this person ... but once i was done i didn't look back. Finally the confusion made sense, that person was beyond sick. Not my problem.
Thank you Dr Ramani ! You saved my common sense ! After 2 years relationship with a " spiritual" narcissist you made my eyes go open wide and saving me from this horrible narcistic disease. You confirmed many many aspects of what was going on in my relationship. I thought he was the man of my life and now because of you it gave me strength to step away. He is making so much effort with love bombing te get me back, it is intens to get out but almost there. Thank you for all your videos ! For your insights and wisdom ! for helping people to see what is really going on ! i can't thank you enough ! Bless your beautiful soul !
Even though he has been very cruel, my mind automatically remembers all the positive when we are on the brink of separation. And I feel bad for him that he cannot change and believe his parents are to blame. This has kept me around for 12 years. Thank you for the life changing knowledge 🙏🙏🙏
Exactly same situation here. I’m still here 26 yrs later.. I want out! No courage to tell him. When I go to tell him he acts so concerned about “us” so I put it off to divorce until the next fight,, 26 yrs later
Make a list of all the bad stuff that happened: big or small. As soon as you’re noticing you only focus on the happy moments this a good anti-dote! Not my idea but dr Ramani’s😊 helped me a lot! Nowadays the bad things come to mind first which is still quite painful but I’m grateful that my mind finally made the shift. Wish you all the best!
It's important to remember that in this life, you are responsible for your happiness. You cannot make someone happy if they are intent on being unhappy or negative. And trying to do so will always be a losing battle.
Yes, my father is this way. Every holiday has to be ruined. Also everytime we go to restaurants if everything isn't perfect he will freak out and want to leave, so extremely embarrassing.
@@gstrathmore194 Same here, I try and avoid going anywhere with him. Its just too stressful and never just an easy thing, always has to be some major problem with him. I love him...but try and avoid outings with him as much as possible.
I wept after listening to this. I haven’t missed many of Dr. Ramani’s excellent videos but this one succinctly described my life experience beginning with an indifferent relationship with my self-absorbed, invalidating father to a lifetime of failed adult romantic relationships. All 8 points applied to me. There is a profound relief and an unburdening that comes with understanding, even if it comes as I approach 60. Thanks again Dr.!
(1) Justifications 2:33 (2) Believing the Future Faking 3:51 (3) Same Fight Over and Over Again (Repetition Compulsion) 5:22 (4) Magical Thinking about the Toxic Partner 6:36 (5) Fear of Leaving (Much Self Doubt about Being Wrong) 7:41 (6) Becoming a One-Stop Shop for the Toxic Partner 8:40 (7) Hiding Your Feelings and Needs (Not Just Safety, but Self Devaluation) 9:45 (8) Rationalizing Relationship to Others (Defending It, Hiding What's Wrong) 11:15 There is so much shame activated by these relationship cycles and then subsequent self-blame. 14:55
I found that a lot of people I knew couldn't or wouldn't understand what I was going through. The ones that showed a little empathy towards me showed their true colours when they criticised me and blamed me in some way. These friends I didn't speak to anymore as they made my struggle to recover even harder.
I think it's because 1. The abuser only shows them there good side. 2. There isn't any visible evidence of the abuse. 3. The victim will stay and even cover for the abuser because of the bonding. 4. Most people just aren't educated on trauma bonding. It's that can't live with them can't live without them thing that confuses people. Although I've recently come to realize I was in a trauma bonded relationship for 25 years, even now I struggle to explain it to anyone. Because truth is, before now I couldn't even believe it myself.
I thought, that his hurtful, destructive behaviour, was a lack of people skills and part of his genious. It's hard to admit, that I thought it, because now I can hear how it sounds.
60 years old and married 36 years to male version of my violent cluster B mother . I just got this fact over last several months ! Better late than never... Thank You for helping me wake up via your dedicated work on this channel .
As they say, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is NOW. Congrats. You have life ahead of you. Choose better in whatever ways you can.
Very difficult cycles to break. It takes time to break them. 1. Justification - signature move. They don’t mean it, they’re stressed, rough childhood bla bla bla 😂🤣. But but but ... 2. Believing the future faking. Many promises made about getting married, getting children, one day ... I’m gonna go for therapy etc 3. Keep having the same fight over and over again with no resolution. No intention of changing. Lack of empathy or growth. No change. 4. Magical thinking about the train bonded partner. It’s just something about him/her ... Giving reason for staying 5. Fear of leaving . What if I’m wrong 😑... confusion. 6. Becoming a one stop shop. Be what they want which shifts on a daily. 7. Hiding my feelings and needs. Involves getting hurt. Self devaluation. Walking on egg shells 🐚 8. Rationalizing the relationship to people. They don’t share what’s really happening . Aware what’s happening is not a good look. Talk about the future faked stuff as if it’s already happened.
All 8 here. Narcissistic mother. Visiting her in a few weeks ( I live interstate). I am a sensitive autistic woman. She once told me she would destroy me. She nearly did. I am 56 years and I have found Dr Ramani's scholarship on this topic and her beautifully accessible explanations to have again saved my life. What a shining g beacon she is to lead us out of confusion and pain. I cannot express my appreciation strongly enough in words. xxxxxxxx
finding it really hard to let go of my abusers energetically. the biggest block for my mother is she abuses you then if you say anything to her that isn't complimentary she acts so hurt like you just hurt the sweetest person and your very own mother, how could you do that. ugh!!. i never wanted to hurt my mother and that's the problem. she's so dangerous, extremely intelligent and charming but wraps her victims up like a spider would. hard to let go of ex because i was a teen and he broke me down daily when i should've been developing and told me i was ugly and beat me daily i feel so haunted by him. he changed me from the sweetest most forgiving person to a bitter crazy dark soul. i feel robbed. (i was never ugly he was just an arsehole)
haha my mom is the same way, just don’t take it personal and when you talk to her just keep things basic and polite. they don’t listen to you anyways unless they can use it against you. i love my mama and accept her regardless. my sister helps me keep my sanity cause when she’s being weird we just look at each other to make sure we’re not going crazy.
I'm so sorry you experienced those things. I hope you can visualize yourself as that poor, abused child and give her all the things you needed. Sometimes it helps to give yourself the hug nobody else does. In any case, you didn't deserve any of that. I hope you can find peace.
@@m.maclellan7147 "like a spoilt child treats his toys" i get that! It takes me back to my childhood, seeing all the busted expensive toys in my cousins house yards with grass growing up past them only weeks after christmas.
First of all, I just want to say it’s comforting to watch your video while you sit in a comfy chair. Makes the video that much more warm. That “soothing” is what I needed today. I walked away for my narcissistic bf yesterday for the (lost count) time. I’ve been recognizing the trauma bonding and future faking to the point I can no longer give my precious energy to this relationship. I’m embarrassed to say I have gone back so many times. The hoovering always begins immediately. Empty promises. But lots of love that wasn’t there before. Thinking...wow! He really loves me, he is changing! Nope...soon back to the devalue stage...and it only gets worse every time, sort of like “punishment”. This time was different, however, as I noticed I had no emotion (gray rock) when we had that conversation. He wanted me to give in to the idea that he did not lie about something that happened recently. Said it was a misunderstanding. I’m usually one to be very open to the fact that I may have made a mistake. Not this time. Though, I did find myself starting to question my thoughts but I recently watch the “Stroop effect” video of yours. Along with many other help videos you’ve shared. Though I find myself a little sad and in grief...I feel less emotion than I’ve felt in the past. I feel “lighter”. I do believe this time is different. Journaling has helped as I have to *remember* how bad I felt in the relationship. So, when those fond memories come back and rumination, I can easily discount them. It was all fake in his fake reality. I finally grew. At 51, I finally *get it*! I’d rather be alone than in that toxic situation. I finally have that self love to give me the power to make this “stick” this time! Thank you for all your help. It has truly changed my life. Praying I stay the course. 🙏❤️
Reading your post sounds like it could be my life too. I hope you can stay strong this time. I hope I can too. I’ve broken up with him so many times I’ve lost count. I’m too embarrassed to even tell my friends about the current drama anymore. I’ve caught him in so many lies and broken promises that I sincerely have no hope left he’ll ever change. I’m praying for you that this is the time you realize nothing will ever be better for long and that you deserve a love where you feel appreciated and valued. Good luck to you.
Erin how are you getting along? I resonated with your story and how often you had been hoovered. I can relate. I hope you are finding the peace and freedom you want.
I've spent close to six years in a relationship with a Narcissist and never knew a thing about "trauma bonds", now that I do, I've acknowledged, and am on the road to greater understanding, therefore healing. I actually feel powerful..I'm grateful for these videos..Thank you❤
“Caught in a cycle of hope.” “Zeal to be all things.” “Hiding your feelings and needs.” “Very effortful.” “Sometimes, with knowledge, you can start changing these patterns.” I’m listening again, re-minding and re-enforcing, hopefully learning right-minded hope. Thanks again.
Could you make a video on healing from a neglectful narcissist? It's just such a unique circumstance and I can't find any useful resources on the topic
I have had two of them. It is a weird thing to deal with. They have all the narc patterns but mostly whithout words or even presence. But always uncomfortable...
Try Nicole la Pera’s book ‘How to do the Work’ and her Holistic Therapist UA-cam videos which break down the ‘how to heal’ process. She is a psychotherapist and has developed her healing program from her own personal experiences and is very open about it.
"trauma bonded and toxic relationships are almost a form of indoctrination, like we would see in a cult" (which keep people around). . "by generating fear of what is out there in the great unknown"(8:22). . . "holding back needs and feelings, is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive"(10:30)
I definitely hide my feelings from my mom, and have done so from a young age. Sharing my feelings often ended up with me crying because of how she reacted, so it was just easier to bottle it all in. Wasn’t less painful, just a different painful because I still got emotional because everything was kept inside with no outlet. Talking about it with anyone was out of the question, not because in my mind it would bring shame on my family for letting anyone know, but I couldn’t share because the thought of my mom ever finding out that I had said anything negative about our family and about her was horrifying to think about. I hated getting in trouble, and knew I definitely would if she ever found out I said anything bad about her. I didn’t share anything with anyone until I was 30, and told my cousin because I felt like I was going crazy and just needed another perspective, and I knew from her own past experiences that she would be a safe person to talk to. I had just started dating a guy that my mom didn’t like and thought I should break up with, but I told my mom that I needed to make that decision for myself. My cousin kept me sane and helped me stick to my own guns while my mom acted weird. I did end up breaking up with the guy, but it was solely my decision and because of that there’s been no second guessing like I think I would have done had I listened to my mom. But finding someone that completely understood what I was going through and that I knew without a doubt would not tell anyone else what I had told her was a relief.
I used to say " I wish I had a tape recording of this argument. I could just hit play and stop talking ." Really, right to his face. And STILL start at it again. Trauma bonded for sure.
What makes it even harder is when your friends keep saying that they told you so, after you finally acknowledge how toxic the relationship was and leave for good. It just makes everything so much worse when you’re trying to rebuild your life after all the damage the narcissist did, and people still think you’ll go back to him.
So relatable. One I left my ex of 14 years and I told me friends and family literally all of them said something along the lines of “we never liked him anyways. We tried to warn you” 🙄
@@jacquelenegutierrez4352 For some reason, people think they’re being supportive when they say those kinds of things. Instead, they’re only doing more damage. My mom said the same exact thing just last night. Sure, she could see it more clearly, because she wasn’t being manipulated by a narcissist for 7 years. I’ve learned to just take it with a grain of salt. It’s irritating, but most people just don’t know what to say when their loved one is healing from narcissistic abuse.
@@jacquelenegutierrez4352 I know it STINGS to hear that. All you can do is thank them for trying to warn you and move on. This should be the end of this conversation between you and your friends and no subsequent reminders about this unless YOU bring it up. I'm curious. Do you think things would have been any different if it was one of your friends and they didn't listen to YOU because they never accepted the reality that he was a narcissist or you can fill in the blank for that matter. The person doesn't believe because someone else tells them. They have to KNOW and BELIEVE something for themselves. It takes some people a long time to arrive at and accept the truth. For example, when a spouse cheats on the other one and EVERYONE else is aware except the other spouse. The one friend that is the MESSENGER of this bad news is often no longer viewed as a friend. The friend is sometimes considered jealous, wanting the person for themselves, or a homewrecker or troublemaker.
Took me 7 years of my life. To Learn about this. I blamed myself for years. I was trying hard and the same cycle repeated over and over. Just separated from my fiancé a week ago, and my whole world was falling apart. Thank you for your videos, now I can understand everything better. Even today after watching your videos I can sleep better. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for making and posting these videos. Yes! I was sexually abused by my grandfather and didn’t tell anyone. I stayed married to a vulnerable covert narcissist for 15 years. When I finally couldn’t take the abuse I said what happened to me as a little girl and it was like a veil was lifted I could see the abusive marriage I was in. But that trauma bond is weird It still took me 2 years to leave my abusive husband. Now that I’m out I can see how abusive he was. I am learning so much about grooming for abuse and red flags, having boundaries and more. Thank you so much ❤️
My firsr ex was very narcissist, abusive physically, mentally and sexuality. I created a trauma bond. I'm still trying to heal from that 14+ years ago.
Hi Dr.Ramani, it’s my birthday today and my narc ex who has been texting me everyday since we broke up didn’t text me today(so of course he didn’t wish me happy birthday). I think cause he knows I care about my birthday so he intended to hurt me like this. I’m so glad I ended this relationship with him and knows that he won’t change no matter what. He hurt me when we were together and he still tries to hurt me even we already broke up 😢
"The shame of being from an unhappy family is overwhelming". I just learned (this year) that my youth was filled with neglect and abuse. My best friend used to always gaslight me with this, "Man, your mom got herself together". Now I know he was wrong. I stopped attending school in the 7th grade. I'm amazed at how much this information is changing my mindset. Applying this info takes effort. Grief makes it tougher to think about and use these concepts. Listening to this is like lifting weights: I'm getting stronger.
Number eight is very interesting. I have always wondered by people put the abuser on a pedestal and talk about them like they were a saint even after they had past away. When asked about their life they will never talk about it. I always thought it was a cultural thing of a certain era. It had never dawned on me that SHAME stops people from admitting that they had been abused, that SHAME stops people from admitting that they are unhappy, that SHAME causes people to stay in bad situations.
Another excellent video from Dr. R. She's so compassionate and clear. I find her to be extremely beautiful to watch and listen to as well. Her presence is so calming. She's a gift to so many who can't afford therapy--and to those who have therapists who don't hold a candle to her.
To whoever's reading this who's struggling through victimization, and survivorship. I have understood every one of these eight points Dr Ramini made. I remember feeling so broken, and that the pain would never end. That fear and hopelessness was overwhelming the first two and a half years out of the 20 something year marriage. Three and a half years of daily discipline, and devoting such nurturing care to myself, I promise that a healthy you emerges. Healthy relationships happen and are definitely not boring. They feel so safe. So vastly different than anything you've ever experienced in your broken past of parenting, family, and whoever you ended up marrying that abused you too. And it takes time to process what you've gone through. Don't rush the healing journey. There's no rush to date right away. There's no competition w anything or anyone. There's no one stopping you or abusing you anymore. Just take your time and do you. I promise you it's all worth every bit of pain, and that pain turns into happiness. Peace. Safety. Trusting yourself. Really liking and loving who you are. Having a great radar for others, and trying new things you love. Learning new ways to talk. And feeling absolutely positive about life, love, and the pursuit of your own happiness knowing there's a world out there that's healthy and ready to receive your beautiful healthy you.
"If their absence brings you peace, you didn't lose a thing."❤
This is exactly what I experienced after my ex left me. When I hit a bump in the road of my life shortly after that, I felt a distinct sense of relief that I didn’t also have to deal with his response to my struggle. That told me a lot… Although more than a year later, I’m still trying to make sense of the toxic patterns in that relationship..
That one sentence speaks volumes!
I would agree that Dr Ramani has saved my life. I am now understanding more about my covert narcissist husband. I am getting the clarity I so needed , to deal with all the insanity of what has gone on for 40 or more years. Thank you so much. Please keep these videos going. They are life changing.
Here here!
When my narc leaves its like an Exorcism was done and you can feel real peace.
“When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives”
Lauren Eden
WOW - powerful. Thank you.
Deep
Well said
Yes, and the bottom of shoes.
That quote is savage.
“The trauma bonded person lives in the hope, but never in the reality.”
Two years of my life summed up in one succinct sentence.
🙋🏻
These talks are a lifesaver, both for people who are experiencing a narcissist or any toxic situation! Thank you. Wish I had you before age 75!
Standing ovation
11 months
15 years of mine 😟
"When they are not interested in you, they do not want to be bothered."
Exactly.
This! Exactly.
Right. My ex narc would say: “I just want to be left alone ” at that point he didn’t need or want anything from me but when he did the cycle would begin once again and so did the love bombing
Yes. My husband will hide away in the bedroom. I for the longest longest time thought it was because it was because of me or he was hiding from the kids. But now know it is because he is not getting something from us. He will emerge and find something negative to fixate on.
When they are done using you- they don’t want to be bothered.
Exactly so true
Another disturbing tactic a narcissist uses to trap you, apart from fear of the unknown, is this: The moment you start catching on about their toxicity, they flip sides and start love-bombing you again like in the beginning of your friendship/relationship. And they are very capable of flipping this switch extremely instantaneously. It leaves you gasping for breath in the chaotic confusion.
In my case after I let her know about my concerns that we hardly were talking and that I wanted to get closure and move on, she would only say what a good friend she is and always has her arms open for me but in reality she would act worse in her toxic patterns, more neglect, more lies and even spread negative information about me to people and friends to make herself look like the caring good person
So disgusting! Ever since my husband has been served with papers he is super dad, always nice, always around with a smile on face, after being absent and a screaming yelling abusive human for months neglecting me and our kids to be “left alone” crazzzyyyy
Gasping in chaotic confusion. I have done this!!
Absolutely…. You think you’re going crazy ?
This is happening to me now, so sick of it, making my plans to go❤ thank you for this ♥️🙌cos u start to think they have changed and feel guilty 🙄🥴
“Before you diagnose yourself as depressed. Make sure that you have not been surrounded by a bunch of assholes” This has become my favorite quote and I’m now consciously aware that it’s probably NOT ME!
A great quote, Imo by Freud, not by William Gibson.(narc) I'm not a fan of Freuds work but from my life experience it's true. The persons suffering from serious depression or burn-out were married with a narcissist. Toxic, manipulative, suppressive people, spaces, work, companies make you feel 'tired', drain your energy etc.Feels so good to be aware and get them out of your life!
I need this quote on a T-shirt!!!!
Okay, then ? You can get depressed too because of these people
@@birds5226 Yep. May I ask you what you're referring at by 'too'..
@@annekerotterdam7499 I mean you can be surrounded by this kind of people and because of them get depressed but this fact doesn't invalidate your depression
I was made to feel that my pain was an inconvenience for the narc.
Dear one I feel you! ,💛
My mom always made it about her or belittled me... When I was around 14 i told her that I cut myself on purpose (it really wasn't deep, it was just like a "hey look at me I am sad" and she mocked me, saying thats no real cutting, she's seen worse.
When I was 22 I told her "do you even know, that I tried to kill myself at 15 and her response "so what, you know how often I wanted to kill myself?" ...which I knew, cause she kept telling me over and over again, which made me grow up thinking I have to save her)
I hope you are able to validate your own pain now. Hugs to you
To everyone here:
You are strong!
You are capable!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You will be alright!
You deserve to be happy!
You deserve to be loved in a healthy way!
Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs 🍀⭐💐✨💖
Same. I had to walk on eggshells around Mommy Dearest after _my_ suicide attempt because she got offended by me trying to off myself. Also, I was 10 years old at the time.
@@kaworunagisa4009 thank god, you are still here. Hopefully no contact? I wish you all the best in the world
@@joysnow3779 Still in contact unfortunately, but at least I haven't been living with her, or the other narc of the family, for over 10 years now. Thanks for the wishes
Hi Dr Ramani, I just wanted to let you know that discovering your channel saved me. I finally got the courage last week to leave my 8.5 year relationship with a covert narcissist
Good on you .it's not easy but we are on a different fight now
My divorce after 33 years married to a narcissist was final yesterday! I left him 2 months ago. The healing process has been like a daily Rollercoaster ride. At first it was hourly up & downs! The most difficult part of the relationships with people like this is having the courage to leave! WE DID THAT!!! I wish you the best on your healing journey 🙏
@@beverlyorlando8040 you’ve been on a roller coaster for 33 years. Leveling out is part of healing. Walking helps.
congratulations.. it's never too late. wish you a good and healthy life .
Congrats on your healing journey..Happy for you.great decision
1- Justification
2- Future faking
3- Repetition compulsion
4- Mystical magical thinking of the trauma bonded partner
5- Fear of leaving
6- Becoming a one-stop shop for your partner
7- Hiding your feelings and needs
8- Rationalising the relationship to other people or hiding the patterns
I don't see how number 6 is so much a bad thing???? As a man anyway. My legit understanding of it was "as a man you're supposed to be all things."
I'm wondering now to what foundational level I have flawed thinking an assumptions.
Yes, experienced all the above - thank you for listing
@@pandemicneetbux2110For the last two months, I couldn’t work as I am a substitute teacher, and it was summer. So I decided to clean the kitchen. I kept the dishes up and the trash and the fridge and the counters looking nice. Before I got married my mom did most of the the housework, so I drove everywhere doing errands for her when I wasn’t working. Hour long distances. They said my brothers drove an hour two, but there’s was 30 minutes one way. Mine was 1 hour one way. So anyway, nothing I have done for my mom or my husband has pleased them. I got sick last week and couldn’t work, and my husband let me know that I didn’t work for the whole month of September as well, as he was hammering frozen fruit before putting it in a blender. When I asked him why he did such a thing as to wake me up, he said,” go to bed!”
So now I have to go to work even though I am sick, because he is so toxic that I can’t stay home. That’s what it means to be a personal assistant but,in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
And 9. Revision of history
@@pandemicneetbux2110This video is about how an abused person may feel in a trauma- bonded (abusive) relationship.
Feeling you need to be a one stop shop to fulfill your abusers needs is very unhealthy, it doesn't promote an healthy, balanced life.
I imagine an abused person in this situation may be living their life walking on eggshells.
In a non-abusive relationship this would be very different.
The idea that a healthy, drama free relationship can be interpreted as not really connecting because it’s not dysfunctional enough is mine blowing. 🤯
Remember though, that the thing humans fear ...above ALL other things, eeven more than pain (in all its forms) is...CHANGE
We will tend to recreate the home we were raised in. If that was stable and happy we will yearn for that.
But if it was chaotic, abusive or unhealthy in any other way, we subconsciously will also attempt to create that.
If the only people you've ever seen in your life that connected *(and that might be your mom and your grandmother or your dad and your mom or your dad and your sister .. families are tricky things) fought all the time, and exhibited unhealthy behavior..... You don't know any other way 🤷🏻♀️
That seems like black and white to you but to the rest of us? What does normal mean what does healthy mean and what are the rules of life???
I caught glimpses of "healthy" on the rare occasion that I was let out of my prison to go spend the night somewhere with a "friend' but that's not enough.
It's what you're immersed in It's what you are a part of It's what you live in your family unit. Whether that's blood or water shack or Mansion.
If you don't know the difference between what's healthy and what's unhealthy and what's right and what's wrong and what's black and what's right then That's when the person becomes putty in a narcissist's hands
THE SAD THING IS HOW FAMILIAR THAT FEELING IS. IF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO A NARCISSIST IN THE ROLLER COASTER LOVE BOMB / ABUSE RELATIONSHIP THAT BRINGS... YES THE TRAUMA BOND.... THE CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD THAT YOU WERE RAISED BY ONE OR MORE. 2:53
Well said. Thank you.
but real...
IBS, migraines, weight changes, panic attacks and endless crying ... your body knows this is unhealthy for you. Get out. Stay safe. Take medication if you need to, definitely find a trauma counselor and be kind to yourself. It probably took years if not decades to find yourself here so it will take time to find yourself again. Wishing y’all the best.
100% ... so many physical illnesses this is the worst bit for me 😡
Where Does one find a qualified trauma counselor that takes insurance?! Haven't found one in my town...
AMEN!!!!......AND ALSO GET CLOSER TO GOD..... IM CATHOLIC AND JESUSCHRIST HAS SAVED AND TRANSFORMED MY LIFE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY
@@CristianaCatólica My Narc and enabler parents used god to shame me so...
You're so right! I developed a very serious illness and he wasn't there for me at all. Now I'm 100% better and know it was the stress from him that caused it.
9) You feel less and less of a person all the time, like a bright painting that’s fading into a blank canvas.
That's perfect. Thank you!
Agreed
I hid and defended his bad behaviors so much.... Painting a pretty picture of what we really had so much that when the smear came in come along I look like a liar. It didn't help that he pretended to profess undying love the whole time you smeared me and was destroying me. You hit the nail on the head with this video
Wow! That's a beautiful and poignant and accurate description.
@@lilawrubel6831 thank you. ❤️
It was like I had a debt with narciccist and I could never pay that debt ,because I never knew how much I owed the narciccist for the relationship .And that debt was with emotions , time , and energy .
Yes!!!! Exactly!!!!
Great explanation
Like taking a test you had no clue you were taking...
This IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
You don’t owe nobody nuthin’.
My ex narcissistic boyfriend will never have any "normal" relationships, never be happy (misery loves company), will always be angry and abusive. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I walked away several months ago after watching just a couple of Dr. Ramani's videos. The information finally reached my brain. Thank you Dr. R for making me understand that I matter and I'm enough.
Totally agree! And you find peace the moment you leave.
How are you doing today?
Reasons for commitment:
1. Respect.
2. Kindness
3. Compassion
4. Mutuality
5. Reciprocity
6. Empathy
7. Growth
Thank you so much for the list ❤
I never hid my feelings so it was always a cycle of hurt. He would gaslight me and tell me I was too sensitive and emotional, when in reality I was just responding to his abuse.
EXACTLY WHY I LEFT!!! Just got out of an almost two yr relationship and every time I brought up our issues/problems it was always me! I was the one who was too sensitive and over emotional, he's my 'rock'. It made me feel like I was insane!! Im so glad I'm not alone!!
Same here but I couldn't leave I ended distancing myself and he finished us 2 weeks ago I feel lost I depended on him so much I realise how much of my life had been taken over I am free now getting there slowly
Same.
If someone tells you nasty things and then calls you a crybaby...
If someone comes to you angry about something that wasn’t your fault, and then when you are angry because of being blamed for the thing that was not your fault the person is more angry than you because he thinks you weren’t supposed to be angry...
When someone is upset, and then is more upset because you aren’t as upset as they are...
You really don’t know if you are coming or going!
Me too!!!
I can Totally relate ...
The frightening thing is that once you become fully aware of narcissistic abuse and understand the ramifications you can't go back to not seeing it. You can't look at your narcissistic partner the way you used to before. They say Ignorance is bliss this is exactly it, because all I see now is someone that is not well and in need of help. That's the only way I can make it through the day.
Right. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. This is one of many reasons why I could no longer exist in such a noxious and dysfunctional relationship.
Damn! Yeah that hit home!
So spot on!!
😞
You are 100 percent accurate. But also I see him
As a predator, so I get scared inside..anxiety ..
“What if I’m wrong?” has weighed heavily in my mind since early childhood, knowing things weren’t right but feeling unable to see the bigger picture and believing invalidation meant love. If someone takes the time and effort to constantly criticise and judge you it means they care, right? No, It robs you of your confidence and identity.
Reading this hurts my heart for you.
If you are here...watching these videos....chances are you are right. Take all the time you need to make the right decision for you.
@@emmalee7284 Thank you for your kind words. Dr Ramani’s videos are incredible in helping piece together a very tangled, complex issue. Also the chance to share with others. Wishing you the very best, take care 😊
Yeah. As a child you think it's normal, and you take that out into the world. I hope you can heal these wounds. They've take your past; they don't deserve your future.
When indeed if someone takes the time over and over again to degrade you it means they only care about themself.
@Suzanne Henderson ❤️❤️❤️thank you for this comment. I am constantly struggling with confidence issues because I grew up thinking like this. Even now as I am learning to grow out of it, it always comes back and I find myself having the same question all the time. That maybe I am the problem and I cannot see it or I do not want to see it. I always seem to find myself experiencing the same questions especially when I think I have made a step forward in gaining more confidence.
"When you stop bleeding, the shark swims away."
“Toxic personalities are really rigid and do not change”.
As a trauma bonded victim of narcissistic abuse, I sincerely thank you Dr Ramani for explaining this. I can travel a little farther on my path to healing now❤️🌸
I think trauma bonding is the most important cause of prolong narcissistic abuse.
Agreed
Definitely the most prevalent.
I KNOW how unhealthy our relationship is; how toxic, how twisted.... And what the effects are on my mental wellness and my physical health. ..
But,..
Just can't let go. .... .. I wish I could.
Absolutely! Narcissistic relationships can not happen at a distance and reality.
Unless a person is trauma bonded they wouldn’t put up with it.
Yes! And why you keep allowing them back. You want to believe all their lies.
@@user-nn4wj8gk9s Medication..?? Therapy, perhaps.....
To everyone here:
You are strong!
You are capable!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You will be alright!
You deserve to be happy!
You deserve to be loved in a healthy way!
Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs 🍀⭐💐✨💖
Thank you for your kind positive motivation !
@@katyflame3668 with all my heart! 🌞🌻😘
Awesome list! Will use this as affirmations in my daily life.
@@deena3003 beautiful Deena. Wishing you lots of love, health, endurance and fun ☀️🙏
@@joysnow3779 thank you so much🙏
Some people give "standard advice" that you should keep your relationship issues within the relationship, because if you share bad things your spouse does, then your friends and family may lose respect for your spouse. I believe that a narcissist abuser created and perpetuates that advice.
I always felt that way. Until after I was divorced from him. He was saying bad things about me all along. All lies, and people were wondering how long it would be before I left him. They knew, about his cheating, and no one ever told me. Then I found out, and they said they wondered how long it would take me to leave. So sad.
@@caligirl1002 How funny. Me too. After I left, several friends disclosed that he had been cheating for years. But they didn't feel like it was their place to tell me before I left.
@@AR-ed4pj They aren't friends.
@@AR-ed4pj Bullshit. They absolutely should have told you.
Yes, the narcissist is afraid to lose control. I told my family and friends of his cheating and he became very upset with me. He told me this should only stay between you and I. Personally, I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time, but I told my family because I felt so lost and I needed them to be my support and reality check. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance.
“They will never be happy “. The most powerful statement. Trying to please my highly critical and negative father, my 82 year old extremely demanding mother, and my ex husband was exhausting. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with holes, and meeting a goal when they keep shifting the goalposts. All three are covert narcs who refuse to be happy. You lose yourself trying to help them, and depression sets in. I’m now walking away from all that and life is so much better.
Life with covert husband is so hard I wish u Luck for your healing and journey finally after 4 years I divorced my covert narcs husband 2 month ago and It still hurts but I feel little better
Yay! Good work.
@@lali5067 Right on. I think it was year 5 after divorce...one day I was cleaning something in my daughter's room, and all of a sudden I say my divorce papers in my mind's eye, and the words THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE! jumped into my ears!
That was 40+ years ago, and I remember it like yesterday. It felt great, and it kept feeling good.
I find the most annoying part is that they expect YOU to make them happy
I am astonished that in my years of therapy, NO ONE has ever stated this to me so clearly. TY!
Lynn D,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
One big lesson I have learned from a narcissistic relationship is, that people might hurt me on purpose. It could be their goal, to make me feel bad. It could be their goal, to retraumatize me. I hadn't known that. I assumed, that people would hurt me by accident, as a negative byproduct of their absence of knowledge. My cluelessness about this, made me love unconditionally. Unconditional love kept me in the relationship for too long. Unconditional love is not always a noble goal. It can be self-destructive. Maybe unconditional love is something, that I didn't have, when I deserved it. It could be why I wanted to bring it into this world, by spreading it myself.
Thank you. I am just realizing this. It's devastating.
After I got a anxiety attack during a verbal fight, I was told that he wanted to see how much hurt I could take, and he confirmed that I could not take much! On that condition of breathless ness and grasping to the air from my mouth, I was told that don't breath like this! Like I was doing it intentionally. I did not know a single term about gaslighting or narcissistic relationship, but my whole body and mind was just started to reject him after that incident. I was still with him feeling stuck, fighting back my rebellious mind more than one year after that incident until next incident happened which completely put me into trauma and I had to leave to save my life. And these all happen while being in another country far away from my family. During this 6 year long marriage there was no physical abuse. But I had no idea that emotional abuse is a thing. And the continuous stress has a real impact on your body as well. Yes I was also looking for unconditional Love!
Wow. Thank you
Loving unconditionally. Seeing the best in ppl. And being extremely empathic. All good qualities that a narcissist uses against us. I’ve been so mistreated. And he’s tried to convince me I am so beyond repair that nobody could love me. That I deserved all the abuse. And that I was the abuser. My mind has been so messed with..
😔
"They will never be happy." This.
This is the key.
So true!
2:30 justification
3:50 believing the future faking
5:16 keep having same fight repeatedly
6:36 fantasy thinking about trauma bonded partner
7:41 fear of leaving
8:39 becoming one-stop shop for partner
9:45 hiding feelings and needs
11:15 rationalizing or hiding the relationship from other people
Thank you! I was looking for specifically this. Going into a one on one therapy session tomorrow and can't listen again right now to take my notes because I'm in a shared space.
9:06. Look the way they want....Be what they want..Lord Have Mercy
Thank you!!!
This is brilliant, thanks for the recap!
Thank you
This was my entire relationship with a covert narc:
Learning to shut down and not talking about feelings or communicating because it creates conflict. Narc: "you're cold and distant. You can't communicate." He even bought me a book on communication as a 'joke'. I started to believe him.
Spending an entire day of peace with him - I cooked dinner, made cocktails, put a movie on, music on, etc... give give and give. Narc: lies in my bed at the end of the night "I don't feel close to you." That paralyzed me so bad.
Got back together with the Narc under the promise that he would go to therapy. He went 3 times and never again. Apparently that got to him because he told me to go to therapy 5 months later. I rang him to ask if he was watching the beautiful lunar eclipse and he said "you need to go to therapy. I can't deal with your feelings. I don't like it." I got so upset but not over the mention of therapy, over the fact that he didn't care enough to address this with me face-to-face with love and empathy. Instead, he made it about himself. My pain, feelings or emotions were ALWAYS an inconvenience.
He would tell me that he wanted me to "open up" more, and I never felt safe enough to do so. And the occasional moments I did, I received no support, only him playing the victim and making it about himself. One time he looked me dead in the eye after hearing my feelings and said "do you think you're bi polar? You might be. Oh, God, I'm terrified of you now."
For the last month, I was waiting for him to break up with me as I didn't think I could do it again. Watching him break down and use tears and playing the victim would have made me explode with frustration, which is what he did the first time I broke up with him. I was waiting to be discarded, and my asking for a night (space) to myself was the tipping point. He broke up with me the next day. Funny, because he always said "if you ever need space baby you just gotta send me a message and I'll respect it." He was also OBSESSED with being NEEDED and I couldn't fathom why. "I don't need you to cook me dinner, but I want you to and appreciate and love it when you do." Is what I would say to him and he didn't like it. I realise now that was him trying to have me rely on him completely - tethering myself to him so that he had more control and could isolate me from my support group.
When I would confront his cold ways of addressing me: like telling me to go to therapy over the phone, he would reply with "I thought you like cold. You're cold. I was just interacting with you the way I thought you wanted. Isn't this what you wanted?" That messed with my head big time...
I'm lucky it was only 6 months, I'm lucky I didn't give this man my youth. I won't let this experience make me hard to the world, I will remain soft, loving and trusting of good people and men. I refuse to let this narc make me believe things about myself that I know is untrue. I am a survivor and a thriver, and now I'm a shit ton wiser.
dude leave
We are worthy!!!!...
Love and prayers to all of you beautiful people who have been through or are going through narcissist remember you are worthy!!!!
From my experience, The First Step to Detachment from someone is the Abandonment of Hope for them. This is the Catalyst for breaking the Trauma Bond.
True
Wow. And THAT is what is so difficult
Very true. I was able to leave only when I saw clearly that he didn't believe there was anything wrong with his behavior and therefore very highly unlikely to improve. As Slipknot's Snuff says "It took the death of hope to let you go"...
What's next steps?
@@foteotw me too! Before I left, I needed to know two things:
1. I waited until he knew what he was doing was wrong, and
2. Did it anyway.
A good modern proverb that would be interesting to get your take on - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" - Dr. Maya Angelou
Amen!
I have been thinking about this daily for years now and it’s just looping and helping me cope with family and in my relationship.
Yup. Best to believe it. However I know now I was stalked way before the contact. Too creepy. Damn scary ♥️🌛
watch the video on red flags
Friends. Family. Co-workers. Romantic partners.
BELIEVE THEM AND FIND YOUR HEALING!!
If you stay dealing with a Narcissist, you end up living your life satisfying their desires continuously even when you don't want to.
...and you'll continue to satisfy your own desires as well. Being single and alone is way better than being in a relationship where you have to do all of the work, but get none of the benefits of being in a relationship.
@@PerrySkyePhoenixnone! The supply is paying to suffer!!
trauma bonding was about the worst part of the whole abuse experience. I felt crazy..
I’m going through this now. Been watching a lot of your videos looking for the strength to leave my toxic relationship
just do it Kevin . i wasted 40 trying to make it work. you can’t change anymore but our selves. life is truly too short 👍🏼
The most frustrating part of this journey is the low key drama as I try to get emotionally healthy and break the chainsof my trauma bond, so as to eventually leave this relationship. Now, my husband tries to act as if I'm the narcissist because I've become more distant. But I've become more distant in order to save my own sanity. Gone is a girl that rushed to the door to greet him while he scowled at me and slammed the door. Or the girl that he left alone in the hospital after the birth of his children. This is the same guy who told me that wasn't it enough that he told me he loves me during sex, why did he have to do with outside the bedroom? 14 years and I'm finally trying to find myself, my own voice and now he acts as if I'm the narcissist, sending me articles and things on how to better our relationship... it's infuriating but I'm going gray rock, chanting mantras, keeping my cool for my children and eventually I will be out of here.
Man that’s almost like my exact story rn. Your strength gives me strength. Your courage gives me courage.
@@Wanderer727 it is a one day at a time thing. You can do it...! We both will.
@@gstrathmore194 thank you for saying that. Sometimes l feel guilty about splitting up the family, but l know it us best for my kids in the long run.
I fear and feel this. I became distant to get out of my current relationship for my own sanity and I fear of her thinking that I'm a narcissist or something, or just generally toxic. I felt like she implied pretty much during our last conversation. But I just had to get out for my sanity. And she actually did send me a picture about communication. I was like "It's gotten past that point" I said that in my head as I didn't respond, I didn't want to get sucked back in. Even now #5 is in my head, thinking "What if I'm wrong?"
I'm rooting for you 💙
Keep going
Hiding needs and feelings till you hardly don't know anymore that you have them.
Zeker!
Yes my god how true that is
Facts!
@@raejohnson3445 Yes, experience and...facts
So true
I needed to hear this. 26 years married to a narcissist who literally trapped me in a deep rural area with no access to money or a vehicle. All these points play into it. I'm looking for a way out, finally.
You can make it 🌸
I have been there. Don't look, just do it. The time will never ever be ideal or right. Get out while you can and look back later. Look forwards for now. You are being held prisoner. Plan your escape quietly and then escape. Waiting is just playing into his hands.
we believe in you 💌
You can do it. Since you put up with all of this for so many years.. that means you are incredibly strong! You have the power inside you, it was just hidden or the narcissist sucked it out of you... But you can do it! 🙏🙏♥️♥️🙏🙏
Me too, Cherna. I'm right there with you. *hugs*
Key Points:
1. Justification - a way to break that inconsistent thinking (I want this relationship to last/this person is being cruel to me) so you justify it so you feel ok with it.
2. Believing the future faking - believing the future promises. Also seen when you starting to think about leaving the relationship. People in trauma bonded relationships want to leave, and the toxic person notices and makes future fakes. These become places to hang the justifications on.
3. Keep having the same fight over and over - repetition compulsion with no resolution because the toxic partner has no intention to change. Indicative of the lack of empathy and growth in the toxic partner and the trauma bonded partner is trapped in hope.
4. Mystical magical thinking about the relationship. People may even point out to the trauma bonded person how unhealthy the patterns are, and the trauma bonded person may struggle to give clear reasons about why they stay in the relationship - “I don’t know, its just something about them” - this magical thinking keeps them stuck.
5. Fear of leaving - major theme is that even as the person gets closer to recognizing this is not a healthy relationship, a fear comes over them. What if I’m wrong? After so many years of making justifications and confusions, can drive a fear of going into the unknown.
6. Becoming a one stop shop for your partner - we see the trauma bonded person becoming a one stop shop for their partner and become a personal assistant that does everything for them. You try to be what they want. But what they want can shift daily, and when they suddenly shift on the daily, and are not interested in you, they don’t want to be bothered so you never know when to be on or not. This zeal to be all things can overtake a person in a trauma bonded relationship with the belief that if I do enough for them, they will be happy. But it wont because they wont be capable.
7. Hiding your feelings or needs - this may be the most painful in the trauma bonded relationship, where you do not feel that you can share your feelings, needs, or vulnerabilities. And it is true, you cant share those things without getting hurt. The pattern of hiding these things in a trauma bonded relationship is not about a survival strategy, it is about a self devaluation and a fear of upsetting the toxic partner (walking on eggshells). Holding back needs and feelings is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive. If you decide to stay, you do not get to share your feelings because it is not worth the strife and invalidation.
8. Rationalizing the relationship to others/hiding the patterns - people do not often share what is really happening. They are aware that what is happening is not a good look, but for all the reasons listed, they are caught in a cycle of defending it to themselves, which extends out to the world as well. A trauma bonded person may describe the relationship as good, share the future fakes, or hide the truth. This means many trauma bonded people do not get the support they need since they are offering up a rosy picture and the patterns stay stuck.
Thank you, I’ve just screen shotted your précis. This is all completely true about my 13 year relationship and I’m trying to leave, but even though I know that I STILL can’t give the decisive blow. I’m using all these techniques to hang on. I’m absolutely crazy at this point and my friends are begging me to escape. Aaaarrrggh!
I wish I knew it earlier...
" relationship " with my mom, relationship with m' ex
@@Jettypilelegssave your mental health and flee
Prepare carefully and get help from safe place... And may the help for you will always come from safe place, so you'll not do " out off the fire and into a frying pan"
Good luck
@@matikramer9648 escaped finally! You’ll have forgotten your comment but I didn’t, thank you 🙂
Spot on my past r.s and ino the feels i have now are all trauma bonded base. Healing.. We must Heal.
Fear IS such a huge part. Avoiding that inevitable pain that comes with leaving. Knowing they’ll end up with someone else. Knowing I’ll be blamed even though I truly loved until infidelity struck. But “it’s been such a long time… just thought we could get through it together”. And he’s never do that again you know.
Just leaves you feeling defeated and sick.
Maybe we’ll move away. Maybe he’ll schedule therapy again. Maybe he is my person and these are just the mountains you climb together along that way.
Maybe I’m just trauma bonded. Why else would this eat away at my soul the way it does
Thank you doctor. You are a true blessing
We get addicted to the the nice part of the toxic person, the part that she/he showed at first and every once in a while afterwards, always hoping that it will come again and this time for good.
I thought, that I was responsible for my own happiness. Whenever he treated me badly, I only asked myself: "Am I happy with myself? How do I want to react the next time, he behaves like that?" I didn't ask myself, what he should change. I only asked myself, how I can be myself, despite his behaviour. After the relationship, I realised, that I wanted to change this about myself. The question shoud not be anymore: "How can I be happy, despite him?" I want to be with someone, who even nourishes my positive charasteristics.
Life should be about thriving, not just existing. You have the right to a relationship that nourishes your soul. I wish you every happiness for the future. 🌟
@@suzannehenderson4350 Thank You
@@sophiafreewoman3352 So familiar. I always thought I was being so psychologically healthy by only focusing on myself and what I could change. The thought of leaving the relationship was so foreign that I never even considered it, despite being extremely depressed, anxious, and angry for most of our relationship.
My same problem
'how can I fix myself so I can put up with this crap'...rather than 'why the hell am I putting up with this crap'. Oh yes.
Ugh- being “punished” with emotional distancing and rejection for having legitimate wants and needs is one of the most painful parts of these kinds of relationships. Believing the lie that you have no right to have wants and needs.
Also the point about not sharing what’s really happening in the relationship... I even felt shame because I felt that I was bringing the treatment on myself somehow, so I didn’t want to share what was really going on. This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
So accurate
As an introvert, the worst part was them approaching me constantly and not giving me space to think. I was grateful when they would try to give me the silent treatment. It was much needed quiet so I could finally halfway chill out.
It never lasted long enough though so we had to kick them out.
very true: This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
I just saved this video under a list called "Watch when you feel weak" --because there are times I second-guess my decisions about my relationship-and this video is ALL I need to validate myself... thank you so much Dr Ramani!!!
Sasha Luq, Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
@@christianpulisic7784 aw Thank you!
@@sashaluq You are welcome dearest 🌹🌺.I am Christian from the States.You?
Playlists are good things 👍🏻
Yes they spend their lives covering up their lies to not be challenged.
Bullying continues💥💯
My husband of 20 years passed a little over four months ago. I have been working to process not only my grief, but also deconstructing our relationship. He was abusive for a long time, and he got help. I thought we had finally arrived at a happy place. I’m starting to understand that had just switched his tactics, and I had just kept doing the same thing I had always done. The thing I had to do with my mom and dad years before. I thought I probably was trauma bonded, but I don’t want to believe it. This video was very helpful in moving me on to the next thing I need to look at. I want to be as healthy as possible moving forward. Thank you.
Hi. I too am getting over my partner's death after 18 years together. If you want to chat I am happy to listen. I am going through the same thing xx
The "future faking " was the most common for me in my abusive relationship, it was a daily emotional rollercoaster
💯
Learn the patterns. Know them well. See them. Flee them. Run. Away.
She is too subtle to say it perhaps dye to licensing issues, but I have no licensing.
You now understand the fact that THEY. can not will not change therefore we must change... Locations... Proximities... By fleeing .. run away... And by flee I mean tip toe out of their lives carefully. Do not be in the home packing up - send a crew with policia escorts to pack up and move your place after informing your local police.
The narc gets you to react so that they can (literally) siphon your energy. Good reaction, negative reaction...Any reaction will do. As long as you react, they're in. The guy I left used to leave me if we were out in public, looking for women to "approve of him" which meant he was looking for people to open to him so that he could vampire their energy. That's how they operate. Even hooked into people over the phone. He'd get all excited speaking to any female on the other end. He got excited over trampy women at gas stations, underage girls at restaurants, the girl or woman at the drive-through window, receptionists at the Drs. office, the mail person, other men's wives, other men's daughters, basically, anything with a pulse. Now it almost seems funny (because I left), but at the time I was watching it, it was literally living with a lunatic. They have almost zero insight into their behavior...justify their crazy, think they are the best...because they are heavily deluded and literally taken by demons. Read "People of the Lie," by M. Scott Peck, if you are a brave person.
@@eagleeye2300 I think it's the supply they need it's like oxygen to them and literally can't breathe without it. Yours gets stale and clogged and runs out of the energy so in order to stay alive they will go to the nearest gas station to fill up. I mean if your tank is on empty do you care what the gas station looks like. No. The nearest one is perfect and your excited to find it because you need to keep going or the car will stall. It's the same. I think you maybe right about being taken by some dark force that literally hypnosis you. It's probably what the vampire movies are based off of. I never in my life could bieleve they are true. It's not blood but energy. I wish you all the blessings and light energy for your days to come. We have discernment now so once the light goes on don't turn it off
I think it's called education.
I kept doing this all the time. I thought fixing the relationship would fix me. The poison can’t be the antidote.
2 years ago I was struggling with a narcissist and I was sent a video from a friend telling me to watch you. 2 years into watching all these videos from you and am constantly blown away 😳 It's as if you know my story line for line which tells me my relationship indeed was a cycle of abuse. I attribute alot of my strength 💪 to you for helping me stop the cycle. Now divorced and coping with a narcissist as an ex is still difficult but life is soooooo much better. I wake up with a smile and my kids have a happier mom. I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ for sharing these videos to help us all through it. 🙏
To those reading this....stay strong, take control!
I've been going through the comments and found this. I have a narcissistic husband and staying in this relationship for four years only for my child. People tell me it's better for her to have both parents than just one. I'm not able to tell which is better. I would really like to know your advise. ❤️
@@bluiz4109 Ultimately, I feel like my kids and I are healthier. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally. We were all drained daily, stressed, and walking on eggshells. Now... their dad is happier, I am happier, and we have both found love and are in healthier relationships.
I can't give advice since I don't completely know your situation. However, I can happily say that my kids tease me about how cute me and my boyfriend are together and tell me they have never seen me like this before. It's sad... I want my kids to know what love looks like, and I wish their dad and I could have been a better example of that, but...we weren't. We were an example of what a toxic relationship looks like and what a submissive abused wife looks like...and for that....I am sad that they saw that...but I'm glad at this point I'm so happy I'm showing them a better example of a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship and what it looks like. Lots of peoples words made me stay for YEARS longer than than I should have. My advice if anything....is to ignore what others say, follow your heart.
@@emmalee7284 Thank you for that reply :) I think I got an answer. So happy to know that you've found love again. God bless your precious family ✨
@@bluiz4109 Thank you. And good luck!!!
@@bluiz4109 from a family with a narcissistic dad, who used to work abroad for the first 7 years of my life. I wished he'd stay there 😔 life was good with just mom. He ruined the mood constantly, controlled our budget like a scrooge. But afforded himself every luxury. Neglect and occasional physical abuse. Both parents isn't a recipe for a good family but healthy parent(s) is
I recognize these patterns! Was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 8 years! I was constantly making excuses for this person, holding onto the false future, jumping through hoops, unable to have any of my needs validated, constantly reeling from crisis to crisis, too scared to leave, too physically sick to stay. Have recently had contact after 2.5 years...feel the old patterns....me defending and soothing and trying to rescue. Started watching these videos and it is helping me really see what trauma bonding is. I can say I feel like a cult victim.
I feel like I have left a cult! I told my mom that multiple times after I left before I heard this!
I stayed 25 yrs
The feeling I remember most is a sick, empty hollowness whether I was alone or with the narcissist. A tiny bit of attention could fill it up, but mostly I survived on the crumbs of attention thrown my way. I'm so glad I broke away from that and know that feeling for what it is. I will never live that way again.
Waking up to patterns is one of the most unsettling feelings, but knowing is better than not.
Most of my life, when partners ask, "what's wrong?," I usually just reply, "I'll be fine,." because I know they won't help me with ANY issue.
If you have a partner that asks “what’s wrong” that is good as they sound like a decent person. My husband of 15+ years and 4 kids later has never asked me that. It would bring me to tears just to have it asked.
@@Star_Light_4 I'd typically say yes, it is a good sign, but not the way it's asked, nor what would generally follow had I actually opened my mouth about what's on my mind.
@ Amanda may. I get it now. I can see how that question can be asked in the wrong way and the fear it would bring up in actually answering it honestly.
I can wholeheartedly relate to that feeling of being asked "What's wrong?" and what it would entail.
Nothing you do is ever enough, it's utter torture trying to keep these individuals happy. When you finally reach breaking point you can't even express it because then you're the one being difficult. They engineer situations to keep you in pain and guilt. Sometimes even clearly inventing things , thoughts and events to gaslight you and cover their own tracks and poor behaviours. It's tiring and actually makes you physically unwell.
your comment summed up basically everything i ever wanted to say on all these narc videos thanks lol
@@leahflower9924 haha!.. ahh and there is so much more we could say too right.. I try to keep it clean. Feel free to copy / paste wherever you like. lol ♥️
Even if you express it they won't care or might not even acknowledge you
Well said 👏 your comments summed up my experience so well. Going through trauma bonding is excruciating. The emotional pain and hurt could never be understood by anyone who has not been in a relationship with a narcissist. Im walking on eggshells daily. Never speak about my feelings its pointless. I have never ever experienced such psychological abuse in my whole life. I feel broken.
I couldn’t do it anymore. At the end she was like a bottomless pit. I became exhausted. Then everything got turned around on me and I was called the abusive one. It still hurts when I tried to be nothing but kind and loving while I was beaten down and made to feel worthless by my ex. I tried so hard to help her, build her up, encourage her etc. she never did that for me.
7 months NC with my ex narcissist, and this entire video still spoke to me; especially the having the same fights over and over again. It was like arguing with an infant. There's only going to be one side, because the other side is incapable of any kind of valid response.
Not just you definitely me to iv been 12 months free
Truth !!!
Me too. The same arguments would occur over and over without any resolution. And I could never open up about what I wanted without risking devaluation of my wants and needs.
Same
I feel like this sometimes. But he does make some efforts. If he could just moderately change w/ out massive scenes & blow ups, that'd be great. I dont expect him to be brutally mean to ppl, just less passive & more direct. And to just stop entertaining. Bc if u don't know how other heads operate, its exactly that, entertaining. But if he goes big, he goes big in general. Blows up at management, does loud cutesy proving loyalty things. Chasing after me, doesn't care what other males think... etc. Its not that i dont care at all.. bc even at the disrespect of me, I still dont want him to face consquences he cant change. But then hes back at it again. And I act like he doesn't exist like how I feel he does to me. I dont really manipulate... I guess if I do, im not really aware of it. I tried every route I could think of, damnit. Sometimes I think these type videos can do more damage than help tho. Its like so ure saying alotta ppl r fd and we just shouldn't try at all? Theres no hopeful? Sure I've met good ones. And I do wonder why the f I act so iffy about it. I act iffy about more troubled ones too tho. but I just feel like I relate to em better. Only sometimes I think they'll drag me down more & the lesser ones will control, & everyone's a spoiled brat to an extent. I dont just mean financially either. It just feels like im legitimately that one loner who had to do some roaming completely by her lonesome. And No One I've ever met relates to that at all. But sometimes I look at males and females like maybe the reason y you seem more extreme... & constantly way more upset is bc you still Let your baggage physically linger around you. Me? I just up & leave sh. I dont think anyone's right, me included. I prob could just go run back & get hand outs but f all that. Bc if im trying more, the concern wasn't even there anyways. I feel like others ...idek what to think. Thats their normals, I guess
The most dangerous part is when you know you’re with a narcissist but your people fail to listen to you and guide you to change yourself and stay thereby making you feel that something is grossly wrong with you only ... I spent my 21 years trying to convince my parents that I’m in a wrong marriage ... the damage is now irreplaceable...
Hi Dr Ramani,
You have saved my mind and ultimately my life.
25 years, looking back now, there were multiple poisonings, pedophilia, male sexual abuse and lastly beaten and strangled!
I’m free, I’m broken, but I’m trying.
Thank you for you.❤️
I too was strangled 6 weeks ago! He was arrested on second degree assault strangulation DV. I’m still in the home and it is my legal residence AND his parents gave him this house and he is wakey in the head! Tried to take the 1 working vehicle we’ve been sharing (again it’s ‘his’ truck) because the car I purchased from his mother died. He’s at his mothers house and has full use of her brand new car so he doesn’t NEED the truck! Taking it would leave me at the house with two large dogs and no transportation. The judge ‘sided’ with me. I hate this!
I don’t know if he’s gonna be a complete dick, or commit suicide???? I’m trying so hard to do the ‘right’ thing here… AND…. I AM DONE RUNNING!
Another pattern might be for the trauma bonded person to begin to "reverse abuse." The toxic person annoys/accuses/abuses/neglects their partner so much that they become angry and begin to "fight back." The trauma bonded person gets angry as they grow and become aware of what's happening/happened. And, if they're still in a relationship, as the repetitive disagreements happen, that anger can be expressed in unhealthy ways.
Then, they feel guilt or remorse for behaving badly. Having A HEART, they apologize.
But, the gaslighting, lack of empathy, immaturity or lack of change will provoke those feelings again and again.
It's better to remove the toxicity in order to not be infected by it. Because that person IS very rigid and, even if they are growing somewhat, what should be received in a healthy relationship won't be given for a very long time.
This is especially important for your children. What are they seeing & hearing everyday? How does it impact them? What patterns will they have to work extra hard not to repeat because of what they witnessed?
You are all beautiful. Surround yourselves with healthy people who will encourage and support you with truth, love and grace. You deserve love. You are worthy to be loved. And you are capable of being healthy...living healthy...and loving in a healthy way.
Seek counseling from a QUALIFIED therapist if you need help. You can heal and your best days are ahead of you. ❤
Reactive abuse. Mad as hell and can't take it any more.
Yes, Reactive Abuse Syndrome. In other words, you suffer a nervous breakdown. I ended up behaving like him but bc that was in direct conflict with my values, I also ended up in the cardiac ward for 3 days, an angiogram, & a diagnosis of ‘takotsubo cardiomyopathy,’ aka ‘broken heart syndrome.’ Oh the irony! He told the cardiologist it was his fault. Once we got home, he asked me what I was planning to do about landing myself in the hospital. There are no words.
That was exactly what was happening...all that awful treatment and I started fighting back. Basically if I had a problem with the mistreatment and voiced it then he would be mad at me and have a bad attitude/be mean. Finally it became very clear...I took space for myself and because I did that he thought I was bring a bitch. After that I ended it...still feel the bond though, but did break up with him.
This is EXACTLY what I was going through, he made me feel INSANE & then get mad at me for “overreacting”. I found out about his new supply just yesterday, after he’d been keeping me on the hook & calling me daily saying he’s not with anyone, texting me sweet things & lying about her. I sent him the screenshot of her text to a friend about them being together & then blocked him. I hope I ruined his day, even if just for an hour. I’m so done with his gaslighting, psychotic angry episodes & cheating!!!
Thank you
It wasn’t till I had a child of my own that I realized how bad my parents where. I was 36 when I had my one and only child. It wasn’t for another 10 years I realized just how neglected I was. My father beat me down when I was 15. I was ashamed thought it was my fault. When my son turned 15 I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. My father was the one that should have been shamed. No me. I hope this helps someone.
Later in his life, my father actually admitted to enjoying beating us down. He thought it was "funny" and then justified it with saying "well i did you a favor -toughen your skin" . Yes, we are free - I am glad for you and your son. Sharing helps healing.
💕
I can so relate to your story. Similar happened to me.
Same
That part about relationship with healthy people not being chaotic enough, so it doesn't feel right, is the worst part. Having a terrible relationship with one person, or even 100 people, is one thing. Having your ability to participate in a healthy relationship with anyone completely trashed, so that you are stuck being the one who ruins the relationship with normal people even if they don't, is absolutely the worst.
I mean, at least theres a boring side to me. Just not all the time tho
You are so right. That is the worst part.
Omg that hit so close to home you have no idea
Lives in the hope and never in reality. That got me in the feels. The cut that always bleeds.
Recovery from the 5-year friendship with a woman my age has been like surgery without anesthesia. So much pain wasn't worth the good times. I stuffed my feelings after being lied to, baited, gaslighted and tolerating cruel remarks, I blew. I told her that I didn't give a shit how she felt when she tried to play victim and hung up on her. Thank you for helping me heal. I just hope it doesn't take much longer. Vicki
#7 yes, the hardest thing for me was the feeling that I was not allowed to have feelings, needs, or opinions. Such a sad place to be...
It really is..
My ex and I were addicted to each other in a toxic way due to both of us having trauma. She was pretty narcissistic with the seeking out validation, admiration, attention seeking, lack of empathy, etc. Ijust felt used and violated, like my person was only there to make her feel better and keep her entertained. Cant recall one time that I felt loved by her tbh. Every single drop had to be about her. It disgusted me. And tore me apart emotionally.
Right with you. I am being used right now for a place to live, back up money, etc. Hope you are in a better place and I hope to get there soon.
@@jennifer5712👋 ...I hear ya❣😞😔😑😶🖤✌🌺💞
Trav!
Are you loving yourself now bruv?
We live n learn & keep moving forward.✊🏼
Be true to yourself and steer clear of that low hanging fruit.💯
@@andrew24534 I’m weak brother but imma keep pushing on
@@travis6694 You've had the life sucked out of you by a vampire and energy tampered with.
Hang in there amd take extra good care of yourself. Do & find things that nourish your soul.
Steer clear of the low hanging fruit and look after number 1.
Time heals everything.
Be patient and youll bounce back stronger then ever.👊🏼
Wow! Every. Single. One. I'm one year out now and I've learned a lot, but this brings tears to my eyes. This was my life. ALL of it. I can't say enough how grateful I am to be out.
I'm one year out too .isn't she great like a good friend when you need them
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you just gave a name and a definition to years and years of suffering that almost wiped me out. But not completely, building up one day at a time. You're amazing. Thanks for all your knowledge
So true. Such a pity. To anyone experiencing such relationships: ask for help to leave those toxic, ungrateful and unworthy people. It is possible. I hope we all welcome supportive and kind companions from now on. ❤️
This is so on point my ex used to bring up this same stupid argument time and time again with no resolution, in the end I was exasperated. I'm out of this horrid relationshit now. I am at peace, went no contact 3 months ago and I am getting to my old happy self ♥
8:42 hit me hard! About the trauma-bonded person becoming like a personal assistant, a 'one stop shop' for all their needs. I've been dragged into that over, and over, and over, at the expense of my own life and needs. No more though, no more EVER again! Every time I worry 'what if I am wrong' I remind myself even IF I'm wrong, no contact is essential!
Same here! Correct never again!
Oh..I'm the ATM money dispenser, appointment keeper, cook, housekeeper, 100% supporter receiving contempt, rudeness, infantile behavior in return. So very sad. Looking for a trauma therapist.
stickie note on my Frigerator! "no contact is essential!" Thank you Jessica:)
@@whatssolove3798 Stand firm with it honey! I've just had him trying to get back in touch after almost a year with some head games, and had to remind myself not to respond, not to let him drag me back in. That reminder is important ALWAYS, even after you've been no contact for months or years. When they try to get back in contact we mustn't kid ourselves it will be different because it won't. If we give an inch they WILL take a mile...then another mile...and another...until we're left questioning how our healthy boundaries and being assertive didn't work. They won't work on a narc because a narc won't respect them. Our only healthy boundary with a narc is no contact at all. Be strong, you can do this! xx
What can also sometimes get or keep people stuck is when OTHERS assign responsibility to you for that person. "But she needs you!" "Please don't abandon her." etc etc.
Angelina Souren,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
Ohh gosh I have so felt that!
It litterally felt like a painful & uncomfortable detox from this person ... but once i was done i didn't look back. Finally the confusion made sense, that person was beyond sick. Not my problem.
Detox it is
Thank you Dr Ramani ! You saved my common sense ! After 2 years relationship with a " spiritual" narcissist you made my eyes go open wide and saving me from this horrible narcistic disease. You confirmed many many aspects of what was going on in my relationship. I thought he was the man of my life and now because of you it gave me strength to step away. He is making so much effort with love bombing te get me back, it is intens to get out but almost there.
Thank you for all your videos ! For your insights and wisdom ! for helping people to see what is really going on ! i can't thank you enough !
Bless your beautiful soul !
Katrine Wynants,You deserves better 🙏
Tears streaming down my eyes because I recognize what I'm dealing with oh my god
Even though he has been very cruel, my mind automatically remembers all the positive when we are on the brink of separation. And I feel bad for him that he cannot change and believe his parents are to blame. This has kept me around for 12 years. Thank you for the life changing knowledge 🙏🙏🙏
Exactly same situation here. I’m still here 26 yrs later.. I want out! No courage to tell him. When I go to tell him he acts so concerned about “us” so I put it off to divorce until the next fight,, 26 yrs later
Make a list of all the bad stuff that happened: big or small. As soon as you’re noticing you only focus on the happy moments this a good anti-dote! Not my idea but dr Ramani’s😊 helped me a lot! Nowadays the bad things come to mind first which is still quite painful but I’m grateful that my mind finally made the shift. Wish you all the best!
It's important to remember that in this life, you are responsible for your happiness. You cannot make someone happy if they are intent on being unhappy or negative. And trying to do so will always be a losing battle.
Narcissists assume they know more than anyone else.
This is exactly what I feel. I have been in this relationship for 23 years. I wish I had a back bone. I hate how stupid I am when it comes to him.
Yes, my father is this way. Every holiday has to be ruined. Also everytime we go to restaurants if everything isn't perfect he will freak out and want to leave, so extremely embarrassing.
That is a difficult pattern to deal with. Remember you matter enough to not have to feel beholden to that behaviour.
@@jordanbrown6253
Thank you, yes it is. Its exhausting.
@@gstrathmore194
Same here, I try and avoid going anywhere with him. Its just too stressful and never just an easy thing, always has to be some major problem with him. I love him...but try and avoid outings with him as much as possible.
Christmas alone at the Waffle House again!
I wept after listening to this. I haven’t missed many of Dr. Ramani’s excellent videos but this one succinctly described my life experience beginning with an indifferent relationship with my self-absorbed, invalidating father to a lifetime of failed adult romantic relationships. All 8 points applied to me.
There is a profound relief and an unburdening that comes with understanding, even if it comes as I approach 60. Thanks again Dr.!
I cried like a baby after watching this. So I get it to. This was my life and I’m a month out and it’s hard.
(1) Justifications 2:33
(2) Believing the Future Faking 3:51
(3) Same Fight Over and Over Again (Repetition Compulsion) 5:22
(4) Magical Thinking about the Toxic Partner 6:36
(5) Fear of Leaving (Much Self Doubt about Being Wrong) 7:41
(6) Becoming a One-Stop Shop for the Toxic Partner 8:40
(7) Hiding Your Feelings and Needs (Not Just Safety, but Self Devaluation) 9:45
(8) Rationalizing Relationship to Others (Defending It, Hiding What's Wrong) 11:15
There is so much shame activated by these relationship cycles and then subsequent self-blame. 14:55
I found that a lot of people I knew couldn't or wouldn't understand what I was going through. The ones that showed a little empathy towards me showed their true colours when they criticised me and blamed me in some way. These friends I didn't speak to anymore as they made my struggle to recover even harder.
I think it's because 1. The abuser only shows them there good side. 2. There isn't any visible evidence of the abuse. 3. The victim will stay and even cover for the abuser because of the bonding. 4. Most people just aren't educated on trauma bonding. It's that can't live with them can't live without them thing that confuses people.
Although I've recently come to realize I was in a trauma bonded relationship for 25 years, even now I struggle to explain it to anyone. Because truth is, before now I couldn't even believe it myself.
I thought, that his hurtful, destructive behaviour, was a lack of people skills and part of his genious. It's hard to admit, that I thought it, because now I can hear how it sounds.
Think you have been flirting with my ex
60 years old and married 36 years to male version of my violent cluster B mother . I just got this fact over last several months ! Better late than never...
Thank You for helping me wake up via your dedicated work on this channel .
Congratulations for getting away. It's never too late. Focus on your happiness and find yourself again. You deserve it.
As they say, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is NOW. Congrats. You have life ahead of you. Choose better in whatever ways you can.
Very difficult cycles to break. It takes time to break them.
1. Justification - signature move. They don’t mean it, they’re stressed, rough childhood bla bla bla 😂🤣. But but but ...
2. Believing the future faking. Many promises made about getting married, getting children, one day ... I’m gonna go for therapy etc
3. Keep having the same fight over and over again with no resolution. No intention of changing. Lack of empathy or growth. No change.
4. Magical thinking about the train bonded partner. It’s just something about him/her ... Giving reason for staying
5. Fear of leaving . What if I’m wrong 😑... confusion.
6. Becoming a one stop shop. Be what they want which shifts on a daily.
7. Hiding my feelings and needs. Involves getting hurt. Self devaluation. Walking on egg shells 🐚
8. Rationalizing the relationship to people. They don’t share what’s really happening . Aware what’s happening is not a good look. Talk about the future faked stuff as if it’s already happened.
All 8 here. Narcissistic mother. Visiting her in a few weeks ( I live interstate). I am a sensitive autistic woman. She once told me she would destroy me. She nearly did. I am 56 years and I have found Dr Ramani's scholarship on this topic and her beautifully accessible explanations to have again saved my life. What a shining g beacon she is to lead us out of confusion and pain. I cannot express my appreciation strongly enough in words. xxxxxxxx
She explained so many things for me .. she's an angel
5 years of living with the hope of improvment but met with disappointment makes me feel defeated and it is heart crushing. My kids don't deserve this.
'trauma-bonded person lives in a hope, but never in a reality' - a beautiful synthesis
feeling insecure all the time when you used to be a confident person before = trauma
finding it really hard to let go of my abusers energetically. the biggest block for my mother is she abuses you then if you say anything to her that isn't complimentary she acts so hurt like you just hurt the sweetest person and your very own mother, how could you do that. ugh!!. i never wanted to hurt my mother and that's the problem. she's so dangerous, extremely intelligent and charming but wraps her victims up like a spider would. hard to let go of ex because i was a teen and he broke me down daily when i should've been developing and told me i was ugly and beat me daily i feel so haunted by him. he changed me from the sweetest most forgiving person to a bitter crazy dark soul. i feel robbed. (i was never ugly he was just an arsehole)
They make you from a whole, entire human to a marionette. They have total control & treat us like a spoiled child treats it's toys....
haha my mom is the same way, just don’t take it personal and when you talk to her just keep things basic and polite. they don’t listen to you anyways unless they can use it against you. i love my mama and accept her regardless. my sister helps me keep my sanity cause when she’s being weird we just look at each other to make sure we’re not going crazy.
I'm so sorry you experienced those things. I hope you can visualize yourself as that poor, abused child and give her all the things you needed. Sometimes it helps to give yourself the hug nobody else does. In any case, you didn't deserve any of that. I hope you can find peace.
Had the same Mom
@@m.maclellan7147 "like a spoilt child treats his toys" i get that! It takes me back to my childhood, seeing all the busted expensive toys in my cousins house yards with grass growing up past them only weeks after christmas.
First of all, I just want to say it’s comforting to watch your video while you sit in a comfy chair. Makes the video that much more warm. That “soothing” is what I needed today. I walked away for my narcissistic bf yesterday for the (lost count) time. I’ve been recognizing the trauma bonding and future faking to the point I can no longer give my precious energy to this relationship. I’m embarrassed to say I have gone back so many times. The hoovering always begins immediately. Empty promises. But lots of love that wasn’t there before. Thinking...wow! He really loves me, he is changing! Nope...soon back to the devalue stage...and it only gets worse every time, sort of like “punishment”. This time was different, however, as I noticed I had no emotion (gray rock) when we had that conversation. He wanted me to give in to the idea that he did not lie about something that happened recently. Said it was a misunderstanding. I’m usually one to be very open to the fact that I may have made a mistake. Not this time. Though, I did find myself starting to question my thoughts but I recently watch the “Stroop effect” video of yours. Along with many other help videos you’ve shared. Though I find myself a little sad and in grief...I feel less emotion than I’ve felt in the past. I feel “lighter”. I do believe this time is different. Journaling has helped as I have to *remember* how bad I felt in the relationship. So, when those fond memories come back and rumination, I can easily discount them. It was all fake in his fake reality. I finally grew. At 51, I finally *get it*! I’d rather be alone than in that toxic situation. I finally have that self love to give me the power to make this “stick” this time! Thank you for all your help. It has truly changed my life. Praying I stay the course. 🙏❤️
Reading your post sounds like it could be my life too. I hope you can stay strong this time. I hope I can too. I’ve broken up with him so many times I’ve lost count. I’m too embarrassed to even tell my friends about the current drama anymore. I’ve caught him in so many lies and broken promises that I sincerely have no hope left he’ll ever change. I’m praying for you that this is the time you realize nothing will ever be better for long and that you deserve a love where you feel appreciated and valued. Good luck to you.
Erin how are you getting along? I resonated with your story and how often you had been hoovered. I can relate. I hope you are finding the peace and freedom you want.
I've spent close to six years in a relationship with a Narcissist and never knew a thing about "trauma bonds", now that I do, I've acknowledged, and am on the road to greater understanding, therefore healing. I actually feel powerful..I'm grateful for these videos..Thank you❤
“Caught in a cycle of hope.” “Zeal to be all things.” “Hiding your feelings and needs.” “Very effortful.” “Sometimes, with knowledge, you can start changing these patterns.” I’m listening again, re-minding and re-enforcing, hopefully learning right-minded hope. Thanks again.
Could you make a video on healing from a neglectful narcissist? It's just such a unique circumstance and I can't find any useful resources on the topic
Letting Go book by David Hawkins will help to heal you from the inside out.
I have had two of them. It is a weird thing to deal with. They have all the narc patterns but mostly whithout words or even presence. But always uncomfortable...
Great book Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. Best resource I have found. Also Kim Saeed
Try Nicole la Pera’s book ‘How to do the Work’ and her Holistic Therapist UA-cam videos which break down the ‘how to heal’ process. She is a psychotherapist and has developed her healing program from her own personal experiences and is very open about it.
There is a video of Dr. Ramani on neglectful narcissism... it's in 3 parts...
How about “ He made you believe that he is the best thing that happened in your life “ ?
Yes , we actually believe it, for a long time.
@@dianella2008 yes..and if I didn't believe, something was wrong with me.
I believed that for a very longggg time !! They make u think no one else will ever love you and “tolerate” your ways 🙄.
@@Ari-pb4uo I know right ? They’re the best thing that happened to you, even though they treat you like nothing !
People would ALWAYS tell me just how lucky I am to be with him. No one ever said how lucky he was.
"trauma bonded and toxic relationships are almost a form of indoctrination, like we would see in a cult" (which keep people around). . "by generating fear of what is out there in the great unknown"(8:22). . . "holding back needs and feelings, is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive"(10:30)
I definitely hide my feelings from my mom, and have done so from a young age. Sharing my feelings often ended up with me crying because of how she reacted, so it was just easier to bottle it all in. Wasn’t less painful, just a different painful because I still got emotional because everything was kept inside with no outlet. Talking about it with anyone was out of the question, not because in my mind it would bring shame on my family for letting anyone know, but I couldn’t share because the thought of my mom ever finding out that I had said anything negative about our family and about her was horrifying to think about. I hated getting in trouble, and knew I definitely would if she ever found out I said anything bad about her. I didn’t share anything with anyone until I was 30, and told my cousin because I felt like I was going crazy and just needed another perspective, and I knew from her own past experiences that she would be a safe person to talk to. I had just started dating a guy that my mom didn’t like and thought I should break up with, but I told my mom that I needed to make that decision for myself. My cousin kept me sane and helped me stick to my own guns while my mom acted weird. I did end up breaking up with the guy, but it was solely my decision and because of that there’s been no second guessing like I think I would have done had I listened to my mom. But finding someone that completely understood what I was going through and that I knew without a doubt would not tell anyone else what I had told her was a relief.
I used to say " I wish I had a tape recording of this argument. I could just hit play and stop talking ." Really, right to his face. And STILL start at it again. Trauma bonded for sure.
My dad had horrible narcistic traits. I saw the wrath right before his death. It was horrible. Yes my trauma bond came from this.
What makes it even harder is when your friends keep saying that they told you so, after you finally acknowledge how toxic the relationship was and leave for good. It just makes everything so much worse when you’re trying to rebuild your life after all the damage the narcissist did, and people still think you’ll go back to him.
So relatable. One I left my ex of 14 years and I told me friends and family literally all of them said something along the lines of “we never liked him anyways. We tried to warn you” 🙄
@@jacquelenegutierrez4352 For some reason, people think they’re being supportive when they say those kinds of things. Instead, they’re only doing more damage.
My mom said the same exact thing just last night. Sure, she could see it more clearly, because she wasn’t being manipulated by a narcissist for 7 years.
I’ve learned to just take it with a grain of salt. It’s irritating, but most people just don’t know what to say when their loved one is healing from narcissistic abuse.
@@jacquelenegutierrez4352 I know it STINGS to hear that. All you can do is thank them for trying to warn you and move on. This should be the end of this conversation between you and your friends and no subsequent reminders about this unless YOU bring it up. I'm curious. Do you think things would have been any different if it was one of your friends and they didn't listen to YOU because they never accepted the reality that he was a narcissist or you can fill in the blank for that matter. The person doesn't believe because someone else tells them. They have to KNOW and BELIEVE something for themselves. It takes some people a long time to arrive at and accept the truth. For example, when a spouse cheats on the other one and EVERYONE else is aware except the other spouse. The one friend that is the MESSENGER of this bad news is often no longer viewed as a friend. The friend is sometimes considered jealous, wanting the person for themselves, or a homewrecker or troublemaker.
I’ll just avoid relationships all together. I been through and have had enough.
Took me 7 years of my life. To Learn about this. I blamed myself for years. I was trying hard and the same cycle repeated over and over. Just separated from my fiancé a week ago, and my whole world was falling apart. Thank you for your videos, now I can understand everything better. Even today after watching your videos I can sleep better. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for making and posting these videos. Yes! I was sexually abused by my grandfather and didn’t tell anyone. I stayed married to a vulnerable covert narcissist for 15 years. When I finally couldn’t take the abuse I said what happened to me as a little girl and it was like a veil was lifted I could see the abusive marriage I was in. But that trauma bond is weird It still took me 2 years to leave my abusive husband. Now that I’m out I can see how abusive he was. I am learning so much about grooming for abuse and red flags, having boundaries and more. Thank you so much ❤️
My firsr ex was very narcissist, abusive physically, mentally and sexuality. I created a trauma bond. I'm still trying to heal from that 14+ years ago.
Same here
❤ I understand. Been 4 years for me
Hi Dr.Ramani, it’s my birthday today and my narc ex who has been texting me everyday since we broke up didn’t text me today(so of course he didn’t wish me happy birthday). I think cause he knows I care about my birthday so he intended to hurt me like this. I’m so glad I ended this relationship with him and knows that he won’t change no matter what. He hurt me when we were together and he still tries to hurt me even we already broke up 😢
Well, I AM wishing you a happy birthday!!
Happy Birthday.
Happy birthday 🎂🎂🎂
Happy birthday x
Happy birthday to you!🎉💐
"The shame of being from an unhappy family is overwhelming". I just learned (this year) that my youth was filled with neglect and abuse. My best friend used to always gaslight me with this, "Man, your mom got herself together". Now I know he was wrong. I stopped attending school in the 7th grade. I'm amazed at how much this information is changing my mindset. Applying this info takes effort. Grief makes it tougher to think about and use these concepts. Listening to this is like lifting weights: I'm getting stronger.
"Listening to this is like lifting weights: I'm getting stronger." Perfect!
Hang in there Buster you’ve got this 😊Buster does not sound like a name of a defeated person 👍🙏
Number eight is very interesting. I have always wondered by people put the abuser on a pedestal and talk about them like they were a saint even after they had past away. When asked about their life they will never talk about it. I always thought it was a cultural thing of a certain era. It had never dawned on me that SHAME stops people from admitting that they had been abused, that SHAME stops people from admitting that they are unhappy, that SHAME causes people to stay in bad situations.
Another excellent video from Dr. R. She's so compassionate and clear. I find her to be extremely beautiful to watch and listen to as well. Her presence is so calming. She's a gift to so many who can't afford therapy--and to those who have therapists who don't hold a candle to her.
To whoever's reading this who's struggling through victimization, and survivorship.
I have understood every one of these eight points Dr Ramini made.
I remember feeling so broken, and that the pain would never end.
That fear and hopelessness was overwhelming the first two and a half years out of the 20 something year marriage.
Three and a half years of daily discipline, and devoting such nurturing care to myself, I promise that a healthy you emerges.
Healthy relationships happen and are definitely not boring.
They feel so safe. So vastly different than anything you've ever experienced in your broken past of parenting, family, and whoever you ended up marrying that abused you too.
And it takes time to process what you've gone through.
Don't rush the healing journey.
There's no rush to date right away. There's no competition w anything or anyone.
There's no one stopping you or abusing you anymore.
Just take your time and do you.
I promise you it's all worth every bit of pain, and that pain turns into happiness.
Peace.
Safety.
Trusting yourself.
Really liking and loving who you are. Having a great radar for others, and trying new things you love.
Learning new ways to talk.
And feeling absolutely positive about life, love, and the pursuit of your own happiness knowing there's a world out there that's healthy and ready to receive your beautiful healthy you.