They believe that they have the right / permission to behave that way, that is why they are all the time looking for the weak part of humans. @@vincentguzzi4848
@@vincentguzzi4848 they need you to be an emotional punching bag for them. My wife has a lot of patience for other people but when it comes to me nope. She tells me she knows she shouldn’t talk to me the way that she does but she always plays the victim making excuses : that it is difficult for her to change because of her terrible childhood with narcissistic parents. The funny thing is that she is a life coach to some people. She spends a lot of time and energy listening to them all day being the best version of herself but when she is done and exhausted at the end of the day guess who is there the listen to her? 😅
The craziest thing about all the abuse, invalidation and criticism is that the next day they act as if nothing had happened. And you're just left thinking WTF, did I dream all of that? EDIT: I am overwhelmed by all the responses. On the one hand, I am astonished at and feel sorry for the amount of people going through the same thing, but on the other hand, I am touched by the sense of community and all the support. Whatever your experience with a narcissist may be, remember that you are NOT alone. We got this! ❤️
Yes, it's crazy. It's an attempt to gaslight YOU! "What? I didn't do anything! You must be delusional! " I've seen this so many times after a psychotic acting out session. I actually think they're trying to convince themselves too. Mine was once so condescending I wanted to punch her; she knew that, and it made her happy. The sheer gall of pretending she had no clue why I was anxious and scared. How stupid does she think I am? How long did she think I was gonna put up with it? That was the last straw, that time.
@@lisbethbird8268 I'm so sorry you had to make that experience. And I am GLAD you got out of that relationship! In my case, not once did my narcissist even address nor would he have me address his acting out. Whenever I wanted to talk about the issue the next day, he'd just be like "Again? You really want to keep going, don't you? Can't we just have one peaceful day?" He would just stonewall me completely and make everything look like it had been my fault to begin with. And God, he was so good at it that I ended up actually believing his words. Of course, back then I didn't know he was a narcissist, but deep down I've always known that something was terribly off. I thank the universe for the day he decided to finally discard me. Now I don't have to put up with that BS anymore. 🥳
I can relate to this. It was so bad that I tried to escape the moving car. He pulled over and reported me to the police who didn't ask me what happened and like their colleagues who were already abusing me TRIBALLY with others, again abused me, when all I wanted to do was escape them and be free
They are out of control and if unfortunately you get caught up in crazy circus - you get hurt. It hurts, it really does hurt and as you reflect you realise just how crazy they are. They cause chaos because they are chaotic. As the veil is being lifted I am starting to see the amount of wasted energy that I put into this person who is a car crash. I know the regret will come later. Life is too short. I am sure one day I will look at him and see him for the pathetic soul that he is but it hurts right now.
@@AJ-kb9hf with my experience the narc married into the family (married my sister). I can't control what she does I've just had to accept it and avoid him myself. Hope you get to be doing better! 👍
@@Simon0 Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I'll get there. Right now is difficult and painful but acknowledging the feelings and dealing with them is part of the healing process.
1. They defend their behaviour 2. Their timing is selective, they don’t abuse you in front of other people ( unless the people are enablers like family ) 3. If you treated them the exact same way they treated you, they would react like you insulted them and that it was a major injustice
#3 literally all the time. Of course I give my narc dad the same tone he gives me from time to time, like this evening when he was talking down at me and naysaying my choice of self employment. I was actually mad at him because he’s been standing in the way of me being able to make a large purchase for my business since our finances are still partially Intertwined- very intentional set up on his part to keep me powerless. And his response was “I don’t like your attitude acting all domineering. You’re out of line”. We were all watching TV as a family then he went off to hide out in a different room to pout the rest of the night turned on the same program we were watching. My mom, the typical empath enabler who gives him too much credit called it - she said “I think he’s feeling uncomfortable about the exchange of words you had.” It was evident that it was some sort of silent treatment.
Haha! If I treated her the way she treats me, she'd probably have me behind bars. She stole my tax return! And this was AFTER I gave her $1k to "buy a restaurant". I paid her rent/car payments several times and she still stole from me. I even paid for her husband's car once (he still ended up letting it get repossessed a few months later. That's another $275 she managed to squeeze out of me). I paid for her dog when she wanted to adopt, paid for the dog's vet bill when it got sick, and paid for it's cremation after it died from eating fertilizer in my sister's back yard. She smooth talked me into letting her do my taxes one year, but then made up a weird story about how the government was holding my return in escrow and I would get it only if I was taking out a loan for a house or school or something...I fell for it because I was new to the workforce and was only 21 at the time. My grandpa found out, got angry and set me straight, and it shattered my world knowing my own sister could make up lies like that without a shred of remorse. Just for a lousy $500. She scratched and bloodied my throat and threatened to never let me see my niece (she loves to use her kids as collateral) because I said I don't think Orlando Bloom is a good actor. And when I FINALLY got a decent boyfriend, (after years of her making fun of me and treating me like a loser for not actively dating) she said I was no longer going to be my niece's godmother because she didn't want me to expose her daughter to whatever "strange men" I bring around...I didn't date for four years prior! I think she just hated the fact that I finally found love. She liked me better as the loser single sister. When I eventually got married to him, she didn't talk to me for 3 whole years. Didn't even send me a generic "Congratulations!" text the day of us going to the courthouse (I didn't get a wedding, but my sister did of course. She got a wedding on a fancy boat! All I got was my mom and dad came with me and my fiance to the courthouse, and then we had lunch at IHOP. The frigging waitress said congrats to me but not my own sister!) She really must have disliked the fact that my life was starting up. Anything good happens to me and she hates it. Has to find all sorts of reasons why it's wrong/stupid/selfish/whatever. I have no idea what I did to her to make her do this stuff to me, or if she treats everyone else this bad. It really does feel like it's just me getting this kind of treatment. My crime? Being born I guess. I tried to remedy that 3 times with a couple bottles of booze and sleeping pills. Apparently that's only enough to make you sick, but not enough to actually achieve the goal of what I like to call, my "un birth". Maybe if I succeeded my sister would've finally been satisfied. When I got my first period she got angry. She acted like I was trying to steal her spotlight as the teen of the house. I didn't have puberty on purpose! My mom and her had a screaming match over it that day because my sister wouldn't let me have any of the maxi pads. It was humiliating. I really do believe she just wants me to stop existing entirely. I can only imagine the meltdown she'd have if I ever had a baby lol.
They know exactly what they're doing. They are cruel at home and the most charming person in front of others. And wearing that mask exhausts them, so they lash out at you even more.
Yes, at his house was where majority of the toxicity & abuse took place. I refused myself to go back to him after the discard and his many, many hoovered attempts. I actually became scared of him and to go back over there, I felt uneasy and sick. My body even had trembles at times thinking of how he discarded Me and then, trying to get me back and wanting me to come back over. My body was reacting to him and feeling anxious. Thank God I don't feel the anxiety anymore since being away from him.
Thats why no one believes it when you tell them whats going on in the relationship. Because they have a respectful relationship, or business like relationship with that person. And all the while you are getting verbally, emotionally, or physically abused. Its a manipulative planned act. Many people in relationships use their partners/family member as punching bags. Everything you do is wrong. They will always change the situation or raise the bar to where you are never right....no matter what you.
My take is their sense of entitlement to abuse comes from a rationalization that everyone else is just as deceitful and slimy as they are, and that everyone plays the same games. Just because they “know what they’re doing” doesn’t mean they know WHY nor that they have the ability to stop.
@Iris-Angela Jones oh yes, they think they are “good” people. That’s the disorder whispering in their ears, “you’re doing great! Keep it up!!!” It prevents them from having any meaningful introspection or accountability.
@@roadbox a narc once said to me: "show me a man who is better than I am". I think that narc people lives in the inverted world or in some paralel universe
That's exactly what I realized: If they can pretend with others in public, then they ARE aware of their sick behavior. That what they're doing is just plain demonic.
I didn't finish my statement but man my whole life i would say she just dum the works never mind but it will destroy your heart to know my sister is cold blooded i was watching Dateline the murder show and they said the word narcissist i knew i picked up on things my whole life but i had different wotds for it all kind of behavior things she would do,im talking bad stuff sex ,lies,bad meanness now it hurt me cause i finally told her and turn on her im on drugs and that did not help it tore my soul up to be against my big sister its bad it hurts im scared cause i can not take it back i called her out it was like bad the things she would do sometimes i think she need my dad to die the way of her mistreated meant i learn i was a victim of bad abuse i told her is this what the lord likes o my god it hurts to hurt my sister feelings but i just could not bare no more i learn alot and man it really hurts to know this is true about people me watching my sister my whole life was terror and than it killed me to be against her they said narcissist have no compassion no heart it is real i watch her she was not born this way it hurts your soul that me linda turn on you big time
I would always ask my ex why she seemed to act so much nicer around her friend whose house she was staying at than she ever did with me. She said it was because she was a guest and she didn’t want to get kicked out. She 100% knew that if she pulled the same shit in someone else’s house, it would not be okay, but in her mind, it was okay with her bf.
When I told my narcissist wife during a counseling session I was leaving her she folded completely. For about 60 seconds she admitted to stealing from me, cheating, lying, and refusing to work when she could have. She listed things I'd forgotten. She said she'd never do them again and begged me to forgive her. She knew exactly what she had done but always denied. Of course they know what they're doing.
@@christinapaterno5585 Thank you. That helps me, too. My life is so much better. I'm surrounded by people who love me. I'll never be treated like that again. :)
My ex did this too. Admitted to being a jerk basically. But I was already mentally out the door years before I actually left (I stayed until youngest was in kindergarten). He also admitted his wrong-doings to our son years later when he packed up and left his house for 6 months. He finally admitted to having an anger management problem. He has actually stopped raging at the kids because they are old enough to leave him now. But he still does what he can get away with: eye rolls, impatience, huffing and puffing, blame. He just does it quietly. What a kook lol
I think this question is raised due to the fact that we (the punching bags) are genuinely kind and could never imagine treating another human in that manner. That we can't imagine how people could behave like that towards us especially if we didn't do anything wrong. It does throw us for a loop. I thought this many times over the years that I was in my family circle. I left years ago and feel much better. Thanks again Dr. Ramani!
It’s horrifying to think that anyone could treat another person this way. It’s even worse to think just how many people are willing to treat people this way. It’s what makes me terrified for humanity more and more everyday.
I also lived in that wtf world. I still struggle understanding the evil in these people, especially those I am related to. Two weeks ago, a sister Narc (both parents were narcs), whom I haven't spoken to in 30 years, six months and 3 days sends a three line note saying she was thinking of me and how to reach her, nothing about what she had done to stop contact, no apology, no thought about how I may be, nothing. Yeah, never talking to her ever again. Never.
@@lisamr40 They treat people that do them no wrong poorly because they are insecure and envious of the qualities loving people have. That's a way to temporarily regulate their despair and self loathing. They also take our kindness for weakness, thinking that we'll never put them in their place. However, if they keep poking us, they eventually get that bear that they were looking for, whether they want to or not.
Narcissists know what they are doing. They just lack the empathy required to feel guilty about the impact that their behavior is having on those close to them.
My ex would get furious at me when I told him I had turned to family members for support. He was cheating, lying and physically and verbally abusive. And all he cared about was that me telling a family member what he'd done, made him look bad. He didn't care he was abusive, he just didn't want anyone to know
Same with my family. Telling the truth was "mean words", and I was always supposed to be "the bigger person". My narc father made damn sure to triangulate and pit my (golden child) sister and me (scapegoat) against each other, so even after he died, there will never be a chance for reconciliation.
Yes, it really is astonishing. My mother premeditated to crush my computer on the floor for months, to the point I knew she would eventually do that and did backup all my data. She also waited for my father and brother to leave the house, no witnesses that way. When she did it it was in such calculated way, you could tell it was all fake and not spountaneous at all
Yeah! It's almost as if they're a couple steps ahead and have prepared for every possible reaction we would have. I can't imagine how tiresome it must be to think this way all the time. It almost makes me feel sorry for them lol.
Yep, I always said he had a very high degree of emotional intelligence - he could tap into the feelings and thoughts of other people - especially women who he was attracted to!
@@corninyourpoop It is - I was always quite amazed and in my gut I used to get the feeling that he would approach them later like a slime ball. He could sniff out women attracted to him from miles away. I recently found out he has mild autism, mild intellectual disability and an IQ of 76 and neurological disorder (borderline) - not sure what the last one means. But when it comes to EQ he is well ahead of his game.
They really can't and hate when you don't mirror their tantrum, yell ect and blankly state facts. My narc husband does this when I'm out trying to do deliveries for shipt, grub hub, ect. Starting with a text after 2 hours "you should be headed home by now" (ok break it down...3 deliveries from 3 diff stores in large shopping area that's already 30 min from our house, then after picking up deliveries doing one at a time 20 min drive to deliver each, then head home and still need gas storm yeah after being gone 2-2 1/2 hrs I should've been home "hours ago". The math totally adds up to that. I was told "wtf did I think I was talking to" and how I only think about me and he had stuff he wanted to do today *which if course he failed to conveniently mention*. So I told him I wasn't to blame for his accountability in NOT letting me know when I left out to begin with for deliveries. We had talked when he had gotten out and came home from hospital that even working overnight for me wasn't possible in case he needed help medical wise and then of course my mom. Trust me I had third shift job already lined up thinking everyone else be in bed already right? So I'll be the crazy one that's just exaggerating his behavior when I can't even work more than 2 deliveries on my own time bc he wants to be a whiny brat. Everything he literally said to me tonight (calling me a brat ect) was his own reflection not mine. I see through his f-ing clown act and denial.
They absolutely do. I cannot describe the feeling of horror reading the kind, empathetic and loving messages he was sending to a female ‘friend’. I’m his wife and the mother of his children and trying to get a single kind word out of him is impossible. The fact that he was able and willing to give it to someone else was enraging beyond description. He denies that it was an emotional affair but he’s been running to her to have his ego stroked and to support her for the entirety of our relationship. She thinks he’s the sweetest man in the world. She doesn’t know him.
Normal husband's don't text other females, normal men and husband's don't try to hide being married, if a man is reaching out to other woman, that's a red flag, normal men don't do that, they are proud of the wife, love them & want others to know that they are together! But I he tries to make it look like he is single when he us not he will cheat and I'm so sorry but leave him, don't be a victim, a good man will not trust you like this!
Just remember…his behavior towards her or anyone else is also a smoke screen. It won’t last. Narcissists can fake good behavior for awhile; but are incapable of it being genuine and long lasting.
Let her have him. I know that is hard, especially if you're emotionally invested. However, why do you want to stay in toxicity? Being single is not a bad thing. Not like how people try to make it out to be. Narcissistic people want you to believe that you're codependent.
I know this comment is late, but omg, that reply is strong!! My recent ex (vulnerable narcissist, as I just learned), married for ten years, would do that cooooonstantly. "I don't know why you act that way", "what did I do wrong?", "I'm clearly bad for you", "well, why didn't *you* ask xyz" (when she saw exactly what was going on.) It took me *ten* years of my life (I'm 27 now) to notice that pattern. Thank you! Your comment (and DrRamani's videos) was like turning a light on! PS: This got longer than I thought, hope that's okay!
Yes! They are trying to get you to be as unstable as they are! They want everyone to see you as crazy when you stand up for yourself, as they walk around and act like no abuse is happening.
I got into comedy a while back. My mom flat out told me why she never attended any of my shows... She said that she knows all the best comedians talk about their childhood and family life... and she didn't want people to think she was a bad mother. 🙄 That was eye opening... she knows she's toxic!
not necessarily, there's a difference between what ppl could think and what is true.. She doesn't KNOW she's toxic, she is anxious at the possibility of ppl thinking she's toxic, especially if she's in the room and has to suffer through hearing them laugh, wondering what these laughs mean, what the smirks means, what all the different kind of faces and attitudes means, being afraid of you going off script and presenting her to the crowd during the show after a joke you made at something she could interpret as "her expense" Why do humans always confuse fear, shame and emotional vulnerability with guilt? I've also heard a lot of religious ppl act like that saying stuff like "if being fat was bad, then why would fat ppl be ashamed?" same with gay people, masturbation, etc.. You should be careful about this doctor Ramani, I think she may be some kind of cult leader, the way she talks about this issue is dangerous, lacks nuance, I don't think she's helping, maybe she wants to, probably, but I think what she succeed at doing, is building a cult.. She shouldn't advertise herself as an author, there's a long history of scientists who just write books to avoid peer review and completely unleash all of their frustrated opinionated hot takes that wouldn't pass through peer review.. She shouldn't call herself a doctor while sharing her opinions
@@renarddubois940 dude my mom had told me since then multiple times she is afraid that people will think she is a bad mom. I'm sure there is guilt, but, she has literally exposed her own fear. As far as Dr. Ramani she has a lot more experience from a therapist perspective than I do as someone who is a patient. A cult, huh? If that's what you think we'll then, party on Garth.
@@missbeautyelise experience doesn't help you from leaving behind bad ideas, it just reinforce them.. Dr Ramani isn't proving that narcissists know that what they do is bad, or unnacceptable.. What they know is that their personallity would be perceived as unnacceptable in public, that is not to say they can't find someone with which they can be themselves.. She should know the nuance, she should be able to understand these concepts, and I think she does, she just doesn't care to elaborate because she's patronizing you, she thinks you need to hear certain things and she deliver.. the facts that you make her rich and thanks her for doing so reinforce her behavior and then she justifies post hoc her lack of scientific rigor.
Yes when you realize in fact you have become their victim, like they know the jig is up, they will hide, they won't respond, they will likely disappear.
My parents were helping me pack up my things from my dorm at the end of one school year a decade ago, and my roommates were not around...or so my dad thought. He was snapping at me and my mom for not packing the things up fast enough, and suddenly my roommate came around the corner- she had to have heard everything- and I never saw my dad change expressions as quick as that. Literally from cranky and harsh to pleasant and happy. I almost laughed out loud right then and there. He stayed quiet the rest of the packing and only turned it on again once we were all in the van driving away. So yeah, they know.
Had an experience just like this. Except it was my dad lying to the police. From chasing me around in his car screaming like a psycho, barricading me in the house screaming and raging, to complete calm cool and collected 5 minutes later after a woman called the cops on him because she thought he was some random mad man chasing me in his car raging at me through the streets. As soon as the cops came to the house he was completely cool and collected and telling them how it was all in my head and I had anxiety. No one in my family believed me when I told them, and no one cared. It was so scary to see his expression flip like that. I was just a little girl. Still have not escaped them. Just learning about NPD now :(
Yep, and if you call them out in that moment with a "Oh hi roommate! Now, what were you saying again, Dad?" they would say nothing or make a joke, but once they had you alone in the van or at home they will lay into you even harder. Everyone else is responsible for their rage and abuse.
When my mother was in the hospital for over a month awaiting diagnosis, treatment and then in rehab for recovery from the rare spinal disorder she had, she was a completely different person. She was pleasant, warm, and expressed gratitude to those around her. My entire life I told myself she was mentally ill to justify/explain her behaviors to myself...it wasn't until then that I realized that a person who can turn it on and off at will isn't mentally ill. They choose it, they can control it. I saw it for what it was: evil. Once she went back home she was her old self again and the first mean, abusive thing she did to me was the last one because I cut ties with her and never looked back. Life has been easier, more peaceful, sweeter and exponentially better. Sure I finally grieved for the mother I wished I had, forgave her and moved on with my life.
You describe my mother and her other kid. I'm currently in a panic because her abuse is killing me, and I can't and won't take it anymore, but I am also so scared of completely losing her - while she is alive, but also if/when she passes away, because I long for (exactly what you wrote, the mother I hope for and imagine there can be, and sometimes was when she chose to show the kind side of her (of course there was a price tag attached, that would later need to be paid up)). I feel stupid and weak for wanting her love, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to cut her completely out of my life. She is also the only family I have left, and I also feel so much guilty due to narc abuse programing and conditioning, and because she sees me having abandoned her because I've moved out. I KNOW I haven't abandoned her, and shouldn't feel guilty for trying to live for me, and not only solely exist to be her personal narc supply, but everything is so rough, and de-programing is difficult. How did you do it? How did you get through it? What did you tell yourself to get through things? How long has it taken for you to be okay with everything? I know we are all different and deal differently, but I'm desperate for some guidance, information, advice and help. I wish you all the best of the best to you, friend. Have a wonderful year and forever :)
@@qualityplug1650 Urgh Im sorry you're also going through narc abuse, friend. It is devastating and so tough to survive. I wish that our mothers would heal, but to heal one needs to first acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with, and that won't ever happen with my mother. Sadly so.
You just described my 34-year marriage to my ex-husband. And probably a lot of others' relationships also. Thank you for validating what so many of us have endured. You're the best!
My narcissist would rage, call me the most disgusting names and throw the most embarrassing tantrums in public instead of behind closed doors. I felt humiliated and degraded on a level that I can’t even describe. So glad he’s out of my life!
@@meliss9536 it's not about sounding stupid. Most majority people dont even realize or are even aware of narcissistic abuse until they are right smack in the middle of it, also hopes that this person will change for good and chasing the highs of the relationship surrounded by multitude of lows keeps people hooked. We needed those tools before we got into that mess, that only makes us humans and not stupid.
"It is not that they are not aware enough, it is that they do not care enough. It is not that they do not see. It is that they disagree." - Dr. George Simon
Breaking the trauma bond is hard. But staying with a narc is even harder. What most important is, when we leave, there's a guarantee that we will be happy again although it takes time. But staying with them, it won't ever happen.
The smirk is what tipped me off. After being so condescending and hurtful, he seemed proud of himself and as if he even enjoyed doing it. There is better after this.
For many years I thought my mother didn't know. I also thought my ex didn't know. Then I read a meme that summarized what you just confirmed, they do know. That's the hardest pill to swallow, their intentionality and even enjoyment in making you suffer.
Same here. Why would my mother even talk to my ex even after she knew he was clearly not for me? Glad to say Thanksgiving was the best this year, away from everyone toxic.
My father lost his mind when I publicly spoke out about his narcissistic abuse. Bank statements and text messages do not lie. I don't care what enabler family I lose because you can not argue with the truth.
My son is divorcing a narcissist. He has lived in hell for 2 years and I am proud of him for breaking away. I know that she is going to make things very hard and play the victim. She drove him to the brink of insanity. This channel has helped me to understand what motivated her throughout the relationship.
I grew up thinking it was normal to only be “told off” as a child when no one else was around. It was always so important to project a happy family image, when the truth was rage and fear
I know exactly what you mean. I forgive them and am building myself up now. But it really damages a Childs mind and makes you go within yourself more and more.
Yep, it sure is fun to be a doormat child in a family with these kinds of evil dynamics. Nobody outside of that house ever catches whiff of the NPD horrors occurring behind closed doors. It is a special kind of gaslighting to do this Jekyl and Hide transformation with one's children who have no chance in hell of ever getting a mere ounce of validation from extended family or through a random and honest reality check. Narcissists are mean!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. So did I, I was the doormat child too feeling like I was worthless and invisible but never being able to tell my truth because the narcissist abuse is so insidious and underhanded, nobody would ever believe a word out of my mouth. It's hell on earth.
So sorry you lived that. Hoping you since made your own family far away. My sister was bipolar and i dealt a lot with that in childhood. I have good friends that are more like sisters to me.
Jekyl and Hide is right. My mom to a T. As soon as we're out of the view of others, all hell breaks loose over the stupidest things like a bottle cap that drops on the floor. And for what. Nothing. Ever. These people are irrational. Sucks that it's my mom in this case.
For sure! She called me (I always pick up no matter what) not this time though. 3 calls in a row followed by a text that said "just really wanted to cuss you out".
@@amytiffanyhemingway definitely not helping you. If he was trying to help he could’ve said it nicely or just point out things you can improve. But he just said that and didn’t even give a way to fix it. He basically said “no one will ever love you but me” and that is not true so don’t believe it!
My uncle once said to my aunt who would try defend her brothers bad behavior "Are they like that at work? Because if they are that means that they do have a problem. But if they are not that means they are fully aware of what they are doing and do so on purpose."
After *every* manufactured fight -- to which there were many -- my NPD older sibling used to always say , "Don't tell mom and dad about this....... it will break their hearts to think we aren't getting along"..... I finally realized that it was because they didn't want people (especially the ones giving them money) to know about their behavior. Only rapists and child molesters tell their victims to keep quiet...... I knew then they were aware of their behavior. If possible, no contact is the only option. Leave and heal......
@@StudyBlanca if you can’t get away from her because she is family, watch Dr. Ramani’s videos about indifference and radical acceptance. Simply put, she has helped me realize it is not only okay to not care about these psychological thugs, it is smart and the only way to keep them from hurting you. She can really help you with keeping your equilibrium when you can’t avoid contact. Best wishes for you.
@@epluribusunum1460 thank you 🥰 we’re currently not talking & i plan on keeping it that way. I try not to hate anyone, I strongly dislike her. She’s the most abusive person in the world. Earlier this week she went into rage because she thought I took her keys and I didn’t even drive The car. She said she placed them on the hook in the kitchen, they were on the floor and i picked them up and placed on the kitchen counter. She didn’t even try to look, she just started yelling and I cussed right back out. The whole time she projected and accused me of never knowing where the keys are, when that is LITERALLY her MO every time we ask her. I’m working to move out soon, I’m never speaking to any of them again. But I’ve airway accepted it, I don’t want a relationship with them anyways. I can get away from anyone!
It blows me away that someone can be that mean, but it resonates as correct. So thankful that my husband is no longer able to do that to me- partly because I wouldn’t put up with it but also because he’s deceased.
You are absolutely correct Dr. Ramani, they can turn it off and on ! My EX narc was totally adored by others, and he totally abused me ! People would say, "Oh, what a great guy he is. You are so lucky ! Towards the end of his reign of terror over me, I began responding to those adoring people, "You don't live with him !". When I was packing to leave, he literally stood over me raging ! Now I know what HATE is - its what the narc feels about themselves. They will pound you into the ground to make themselves feel better.
Yep exactly! Everyone “loves” my husband. How great he is! Ugh makes me sick. The sickening thing is he is “a great man” around others. Yep when I left my house he was in tears begging then 3 seconds later raging ! Crazymaking! Wish you luck!
@@jasmine3416 Exactly - sickening how they start a huge argument, gaslight you, demean you, humiliate you, rage at you, call you every nasty name, refer to you as their Ex's name, etc, etc. You back down for the sake of peace and quiet, then 10 minutes later, they approach you with a fake smile and ask you what's for dinner, like it never happened. I was cycled through that torment daily. It took a huge toll on my physical as well as my mental health. Half an hour later, one of their enabler family members calls them and narc give them a BS story about how difficult you are or that they are tired of how you treat them. It's more gaslighting. Mind numbing.
I tried to rationalize UNTIL I heard him telling a "trusted" guy friend that he's messed up and the problem is him. That's while I was packing up to leave him.
The way I know they know is how they change their behavior in public. The best measure of a person is how they behave when they think no one is watching.
My narcissistic sister can go from lovebombing to verbal abuse and blame shifting/lack of accountability in the same conversation or email/text. That’s when you know the niceness or love is them faking.
My sister too! She is also histrionic so you can imagine what that's like. I hope you are getting resolution and moving ahead with you in mind. They don't change and not seeing or hearing from her is golden, family or not.
did you try to change her or give her an understanding of what problem she's going through (npd). Did you ask her to talk to a professional therapist?. i have an elder sister who is going through npd. what can i do to change herself?
I was just talking about this. Another way to find out is to call their bluff. My husband was trying to upset and scare me in a restaurant while waiting for my daughter and her bf and son. He was gonna start a fight with someone who was "looking at him wrong". I told him I was calling her to cancel the dinner and he could go ahead, I'm leaving. Suddenly everything is ok and he's calm. 🙄
My goodness! Why do they love outdoor event embarrassment fights, especially restaurants. I like your style, cancel his crazy acts and walk away in your dignity. Good on you
When I see comments like yours, I shake my head. You said your husband. I was hoping you would say your "ex" husband but you didn't. Why the hell are you still with evil? It astounds me. When are people like you and millions of others going to make that change in your life?
@@raccuia1 It is not that easy, I too am currently married to a nightmare of a narcissist and truly trapped. He was very sneaky in orchestrating it so that all my avenues of escape were closed. Anyone from the outside yelling to “just leave,” trust us we would love to truly, but alas, it is not that simple or we would have trust us.
The only reason why I thought they didn’t understand or mean it is because when I confronted them and said “Don’t you know how hurtful that is?” The response to keep me on the hook was always, “oh, I didn’t mean that-“ or “Why are you reading the worst in this?” It took a long time to learn because as human beings good relationship behavior is giving other people the benefit of the doubt. You are so right- this is also the reason why they isolate you so that others can’t see the problem and they can manipulate the distant people more easily.
I didn't understand cuz I get treated like this by virtually everybody, being on the spectrum. Even the seemingly "good" people who found my former narcs unbearable their selves show to be kinda corrupt, when ya dig a little. Essentially, virtually every option is terrible. Way I saw it...I can get awful right up front, or dig a little, and get it that way. Now I just barely deal with people, in general, instead :)
They are coward why they have to try to isolate us from other and start the smearing of how we are miss treating them,but in reality they are abusing us and other people believe their bullshit. Not asking what they really Did Smh.
they do but do not want to be accountable for their action. They expect you to let it pass and “pretend” what they did didn’t happen. On top of it, they want you to repent and bow down for their behaviour and something you didn’t do.
Exactly. The narc has even said this to me directly. He said “ if I tell you it didn’t happen it didn’t or if I say it wasn’t me it wasn’t” and that I should just forget everything right away and basically pretend that this conversation never happened. Even when I had proof 🤦♀️
@@amytiffanyhemingway and they'll convince you you're the problem for fighting back and calling out their behavior, the more you do it the faster they leave, but the more ammo they have for their "we're equally at fault" narrative. Just blocked an old friend cause they believe it. They'll talk to me, then say they aren't talking to the narc, but when i talk about my experience they only end up defending them, saying i wasn't abused, that it was equally our faults. Only really started making progress to heal when i gave us distance. Now that i know, they're out of the picture too
@@narrowstone5363 yeah I love my bf so much I just volunteered that it was all my fault last week even tho it wasn't and he came back to see me. I'm not going to bother calling out anything any more. Does send them away when you point out the obvious. I guess well I know it's true, God know's truth. Probably even he knows truth. But always says I'm the negative one. I'm just too tired to try defend myself or understand what the truth is anymore. Just decided to be totally submissive. Even tho I know he's probably doing goodness knows what else because why not, he can do what he wants. And I've been isolated from his family and friends. He can just tell them whatever he wants.
@@amytiffanyhemingway It breaks my heart to see anyone else go through this type of abuse. Yes, it really is a form of ABUSE. Idk how much you've learned about NPD but look at Dr. Ramani's entire playlist as well as other channels. It's very hard to believe someone you love is capable of deliberately mean behavior, but it will continue to damage your spirit & self-esteem if you stay. That's how they thrive. Look up gaslighting. The narc's tactic to make the victim feel guilty, crazy, and even doubt themselves (when they/we know the truth)... It's those type of mind games that keep the victim coming back (or simply put up with their behavior longer). It is all very wrong and MANIPULATIVE. I sincerely hope you have the ability to leave. Talk to family & friends who know YOU better. Don't let him isolate you. It'll help you realize the so-called "good" of the relationship is not worth the BS & suffering. Trust me, he'll try to charm or seduce you, get you to forgive/forget, offer gifts you can't refuse... But the cycle will repeat again and again. Do you really want to deal with that? *BTW, It's not your fault! But you can end it sooner than later. Hope these videos help you like they helped me.❤️
I had to tell my mother a couple days ago that she and her family are unhealthy for me and I can’t be around them anymore. Of course Christmas is a catalyst, but this has been a long time coming. My mother has told my father he can’t talk to me anymore. She knows exactly what she’s doing
@@sunandstorm it will feel lonely. When I'm at my lowest, I call to mind why I had to make the decisions I made. When I remember why, the loneliness passes and I have a peace about it. Keep reminding yourself why you had to make the changes you made. ❤
I understand, that whether they’re hurting you on purpose, or their lack of awareness of their actions, still hurts either way. But it hurts, thinking they did it on purpose, so you’re hoping it’s not consciously.
My Mom, when I finally saw my Mom for who she was, I was shocked. My mom was on the phone with a tenant that was in a disagreement with my mom and my mom started crying and caring on about being elder abused by this tenant I was getting upset because my mom was 83 at the time and I thought she was really crying... My mom hangs up the phone and turns to me and laughs and said. “Was that an Academy winning performance?” I was stunned because it was the first time that I wasn’t the one she was mind *ucking. I had a hard time seeing how phony she was until it was someone else’s turn.
There is nothing more validating or eye opening than when you see them doing it to someone else. It hits you like a ton of bricks that it's them and not you.
They can edit themselves, and can select their behaviour depending on their surroundings. They can chose who to abuse and who not to. Well done, another great video.
I have always wondered how you can tell a narcissist how much they hurt you. You articulate it every way possible, cry, stay calm, try harder leave, nothing works. With a normal person, at some point they will think about how they made you feel. With a narcissist, that moment never comes. Actually, they try harder the next time to hurt you even worse. On and on it goes until you don't even know who you are or what is real anymore! It's crazy making.
I have told an ex friend who was a narcissist that she is the reason why that so many people leave her because she is toxic….until she realizes that and fixes it within herself, people will continue to leave her. Just point out the obvious: that the reason they suck is because THEY DO SUCK!!!! Also try to call them out as soon as they do something negative, may it be in private or in public. Narcissists usually target their gaslighting and manipulating skills on push overs and doormat type personalities
@@judihart9658 Oh, yes. I was suicidal and I told two of the narcissists in my family and I was shamed for it. They became more abusive. They have zero empathy for their target. Zilch. Unfortunately it took me almost 60 years of horrific abuse (including a relentless big smear campaign against me) to get away from all of them and it was partially because they discarded me at my fathers funeral. That was a huge blessing!! I was still talking to my mother but cut her off finally because I couldn’t believe the shocking things she was saying anymore. They have hearts of ice cold stone.
Closure comes when you realise that the narcissist will never give you closure. Accept that they will not give you closure but understand that that is their problem, not yours. If you are still seeking closure from an absent narcissist then they still have some control over you. Once you've escaped the narcissist whether that's physically distancing yourself or emotionally withdrawing from them and rejecting their control, they ultimately respond by discarding you. Be assured that they will not give you, or their abuse of you, a second thought. Best to return that favour and not give them even a first thought.
Dr Ramani must’ve met my mom! Additionally, my mom would cover her behavior up as raving and ranting at the family is a family business that no one else should know and family members should tell no one either because it will show how bad they are to be deserve to get shouted at.
Every now and then the mask would drop and he would say things completely "out of character". He once said "nobody is ever going to love me because I'm too difficult". I think looking back putting all the bravado, bluster and BS to one side he was a scared little child with a very fragile sense of self worth. But he was also a cheat and liar and hurt me very badly.
They know they're wrong, but facing the reality that they aren't superior to the people they fantasize about hating, and the destruction they've done, is just too painful for them, so they just keep going "LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU CONSCIENCE LA LA LA LA" to drown it all out and keep leaning into their own malignant behavior til the guilt and shame in their own mind gets pushed back down and silenced and their fantasy world is restored.
I cannot tell you how many times my father, the greatest narcissist of my life, bullied me to a pulp when nobody was watching. I have major PTSD because of it. The Mask of Narcissism is real and frightening. As you say, I have been a victim of narcissistic bullying (hence, the punching bag you mentioned). My father couldn't breathe without picking on me or using me as a scapegoat to vent his outrageous rage against the world. Not to play victim here, but rarely do people believe me when I tell them about the horrors of narcissistic abuse. It pains me even more when people think I'm being dramatic or too sensitive. I have even moved out country and continents away to be far away from his evil ways. It still haunts me to this very day but I'm a working progress and your videos have saved me. Please PLEASE, keep spreading the word about this invisible EVIL. So many narcs get away with it every single day and it stabs my heart. Onwards and upwards!!!
I believe you ! It’s very frustrating because when you talk about your experiences, you just want someone that appreciates what you have gone thru. The problem is that if you have never experienced it for yourself, it absolutely is hard to believe. Narcissists are so two-faced that unless an outsider catches them with their mask down, they have trouble reconciling the nice person they know with that devil that manifests him/herself behind closed doors. Been with a N for decades 😬 but as I’ve educated myself and finally connected the dots, I was forced to go back and examine my family life growing up and came to realize my mom was a N, but not as bad as my current one. She could be making me walk on eggshells and if someone dropped by for a visit, she would instantly turn into this :”oh sweetie, would you mind getting auntie Rachel a glass of water”. It was Jekyll & Hyde. So, with all this experience, you’d think that I would be fully receptive to other people’s plight but no ! A dear friend of mine has a mom similar to mine but of course I had only ever seen her fun side, so when she would tell me about her mom’s nasty streak, it’s not that I didn’t believe her, I thought maybe she was exaggerating a bit. Fast forward 20 years, I went to see her for a month right before covid and now her mom is in a retirement home ( she’s 92 now ). My friend still takes excellent care of her mother and on one of the many outings we had with her mom, we stopped by a grocery store to quickly pick up a few things, we were out of the car less than 10 minutes and we left her by herself in a nice sunny spot ( it was a mild winter day ) because she was tired. When we came back she was raging at both of us, being really nasty and manipulative about how she was just so cold and how could we treat her like that. Well, I was shocked and later that evening I actually apologized to my friend because I probably hadn’t been as supportive as I should have, even having been raised in a similar environment. The way narcs do all their dirty work behind closed doors definitely proves they know what they are doing and that makes them plain evil.
@@Booboonancy Wow you really have known the Jekyll and hyde characters including your mom and your friend's mother. First of all, I'm sorry you have suffered so much in your life. Secondly, you can now spot a Narc a mile away. You can smell it now and see the red flags quicker, and you can make your fast exit unbeknownst to them. The sad part, there's a lot of them out there and the blessing about social media, that it will reveal to you who people REALLY are. Keep taking care of your mind and health, and stay away from those parasitic Narcissists. Proud of your evolution in this world. Thank you for your kind support. It means a lot to me.
I also left my home country to get away from my family. I am the scapegoat in a toxic family system. It is hard to be alone in a foreign country, but it is also very freeing to just be allowed to live a day without anyone telling me I'm just worthless, defective and wrong. I realize more everyday how horrifying my family is. When I receive compassion, it almost confuses me because it's so foreign. People who are not raised in toxic families as the scapegoat don't have a clue how hard it is. They can be so cruel, just gaslighting and guilt-tripping you, too, telling you that you're a bad kid or you should just be more grateful for your parents because they do the best they can. WELL, when the "best" that a parent can do is be totally abusive ALL THE TIME and equally in TOTAL DENIAL of all of the abuse, you're not doing anything wrong by leaving them in the dust. If no one else will protect you, you have to protect yourself. It can be really, really hard to find support because most people do not have any idea at all how horrifying the psychological torture of being a scapegoat can be. Reality does not exist in a toxic family. Only the narrative that whatever goes wrong, it's somehow your fault. It is deeply disturbing that any parent can treat their child the way a narcissistic parent can. EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE OKAY. And if your family makes sure you can't be okay, GET AWAY FROM THEM! You did the right thing. It can get easier over time, but the grief doesn't really go away. There is a gigantic loss from having a narcissistic parent, even if you don't leave them. It can be like a gaping wound that they dig into. The way I put it is that my mother reels me in to violently stab me in the heart. The pattern will never end. I haven't been able to totally disconnect yet because I am disabled and financially dependent, but I see very clearly that if I don't find a way to overcome how she destroys my sense of self and self-worth and find a way to become financially independent, that I will probably die by suicide just to make it stop. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get more validation!!
"You are no more than an emotional punching bag for them." OMG! I have actually used these exact words with my ex. Exactly! I've been almost two weeks no contact now. It's hard, but I keep reminding myself that what I miss is maybe 25-30% of my time with them, and the rest sucked.
Hello Wildheart, This is exactly what’s happened to me, two weeks ago since I spoke to my ex. You’ve described the exact way I felt , that I was an emotional punch bag. She broke up with me on a Tuesday night, Thursday morning she’s on the phone asking how I am and if we could spending the weekend together! Initially she said she hadn’t broke up with me, then when I pointed out what she’d said she said ok then I did! Then proceeded to blame the menopause for clouding her judgement. I feel for her as know the menopause is terrible for some people. My head was shot to pieces, so I said no I don’t want to spend weekend together and I’ve Not heard from her since. I’m struggling not to contact as I keep thinking maybe I was too harsh. After 3.5 years of these sort of incidents though I’m not sure I can cope with any more of it. How are you coping? Take care Steve
I went no contact 3 weeks ago, and I'm 63. My mother, brother, and sister worked me over my whole life. I'm so happy I finally cut myself free from their BS I feel like a brand new human. Stay strong folks.
Yes!!! My soon to be ex husband is a psychological liar. Even when all evidence is provided he will still sit there and lie and even lied under oath in court. Smdh
It’s come to the point where I’m mildly comforted when my mother outright lies about things because it just proves she’s the problem. It’s hard to be around them and feel crazy, but being around them and laughing at their distorted reality from afar is safe
This. After forty years of searching why my mother was so hurtful to me, this one video answers it. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to explain away her behavior, desperately trying to come up with an explanation that still makes her "good." She doesn't deserve my loyalty. She's known all along what she's done, and this video proves it. Regardless of whatever it was that made her this way (her being adopted, her finding out at five that she's adopted, etc) there is NO excuse for then going and treating your son inappropriately. It's not the adoption. It's not that she feels "abandoned" by her real mother. It's that she's a flipping NARCISSIST. I can't wait to tell my sister I've found the answer!
My mother never "loved bombed" me, she was constant in her belittling , verbally abusing, physically, and emotionally destroying me. I caught her once, I was around 8 or 9? she had spewed out her rage all over me. I was So sad and upset, I went outside afterwards and was in the back garden, I saw her watching me from the kitchen window, she was smirking, she was so happy to see I was so upset. She don't care, she is a scared stunted child soul, trapped in the darkness of her distorted dirty inner waters, which are filled with demons! They will adversely to what they have done to us, they will never say sorry, she is apparently going senile now? Dementia another excuse to manipulate the family members still u red her grip. Or is it that As their is no light in them, and the are working on auto pilot, the computer brain is now on its last legs, and without the Light of Truth which is life they cannot function. Like a broken down robot.
All of this is so sad. And I don't think, for narcissists, that they only care for themselves. In actuality they have really low self esteem about themselves. They know they aren't great and are very insecure. Everything is a facade. They know they're scum, that's why they need you to believe or tell them they're great. They need acceptance, attention, and love because they're empty and can't give it to themselves nor anyone else. Rather sad and lonely life. The more reason you should protect yourself and put as much distance as possible between you and these parasitic demons. They will suck you dry!
@@malgorzatawojtys9846 Not sure where that comes from because I never said that low self esteem equated to not being able to care only about self. 🤦🏿♀️ If anything, I think a narcissist's selfishness is an act of survival. I don't think it's to their own benefit, but to their own detriment. They can never make real friends, have lasting relationships, some are promiscuous, and wreckless. How is that care? Just my opinion. 🤷🏿♀️
Let me tell you one thing. We are 10 siblings, 10. Non one of them has been abusive towards no one including their family and we all are abuser survivors. Your mother has no excuse. I hope you can heal for all of it.
What popped up in my mind as well is this: Another proof they know exactly what they're doing is their efforts to isolate you. So you are left alone, no one to talk about your experiences, and no people who could possibly tell you that what you experience is not healthy and encourage you to stand up for yourself.
They are so two faced. To other people, even meeting people in the street so nice and in 1 min they will be a bomb in your face, name calling and speaking with very hurtful words against your person . It's so frustrating and not to forget how hurtful words get stuck in your body. While they move on after hours of devaluation like nothing has happened, swiping it under the rug as it was nothing
As a recovering narcissist, or almost one, I can confirm that I know I'm in the wrong when I act that way, but I never really understood why or how I was wrong. I was so gaslighted by my narcissistic father growing up that I learned to gaslight and lie to myself. It was miserable. I'm glad to be working to stop being toxic and being more self aware. Thanks for your videos. I only recently became able to admit to my wife of how I was abused, because I was in deep denial. I hope I can be a rare example of how a narcissistic person can change. God bless you all.
This is huge! I have read that it’s common people with narcissistic parents can become narcissists themselves. For my situation: my ex fiancé & his mother-both narcs. You, sir are way ahead of the game for even being aware you have some unhealthy habits. That deserves a ton of praise!
Can you help how to stop a narcissist from contacting me. He is not ready to leave me on my own and trying to get me back and destroy everything again😖
@@ViniJain you block them on your phone and your email and any other way you can. Change your number if you have to and only give it to those you trust. It’s up to you to block them from contacting you.
@@Gemmarose9012 I m doing the same but i'm getting his texts and missed calls. Its kind of exhausting as he is asking for a last chance and claiming that he'll change. 😖
I just wrote this in a reply to a comment. Narcissism is their deeply needed self defense system. If they have to take you down to keep the candy coated shell they’ve built around themselves intact they will do so.
It does not fit in my head; I can’t wrap my brain around it. I do not want to believe that anyone would, or even could, be so cruel and hurtful, purposefully, consciously, and for their own pleasure. That is the hardest part for me and makes trusting again extremely difficult. I’m trying to learn the signs and information you share with us, Dr, Ramani, in order to find the balance between being extremely cautious and still allowing for the possibility of healthy fellowship with others.
Great video. I tried for years to convince myself that my ex husband didn’t know what he was doing but finally realized he only put me down or called me names when there was no one within ear shot. My son said he never once heard his dad abusing me even though he was in the next room. That’s why our family and friends don’t believe us when we start talking about the abuse. All they see is a nice guy.
My narc uncle would walk past my aunt and whisper into her ear "black c----" , and mouth other obscenities across the room to her. He was physically violent and the rest of family knew; but nobody ever called him out, even at his funeral. My aunt is a happy widow.
Nobody knows what go on behind closed doors. My ex would brag about me to others and criticize and berate me for the very thing he bragged to others about.
@@cherylwillcoxart- I'm sorry that you had to witness that as a child. Even worse is that apparently, there were NO ADULTS in the room to stop his behavior. 😘
After you’ve told them time and time again that certain things they say or do hurt you, if they keep doing them it must mean that they know and just DON’T CARE: they just need their release. They use you as an emotional punching bag (a term I’ve used myself) because they know they CAN. Don’t let them, leave, life is too short!
@@davidaccorsini8767 I get the silent treatment for days if I dare speak my mind, criticise him or protest about something he’s done. For years of my life! I’m leaving him, but I have to be smart about it and very diplomatic. Wish me luck!
They totally know. I was in total denial for ages that people can be so knowingly evil, i had thought there is an excuse maybe if they dont know what they are doing. But sadly, they do
Our doctor told us our toddler daughter had a life-altering condition. When I explained this to my mom, her only response was, "Okay, I'll stop." I remember being stunned. Not only at her admission of awareness but of her ability to take my attention away (in that moment) from focusing on my daughter, to focusing on HER. Masterful. And yes, they do know.
@@tonoornottono Doesn't matter. Her mom said that so that her daughter would stop talking about her ill toddler and ask her the same question you did. They are attention whores.
Oh yeah. I'm dealing face to face with a full on narc currently. I have ceased to feel sorry or have compassion. They know exactly what they are doing. This is utterly horrible. Yes intentional and with consciousness. There is no forgiving this behaviour.
I'm literally watching this video trying to convince myself that they know to stop this rationalization. I think it's not a trauma bond for me, it's just hard to believe someone could reck your life for years and just not care.
Hopefully you will stop being a fool and living with your head in the clouds. Narcissism is very very real and nothing they do is good, it's an act. You know all that so it's time to stop lying to yourself, accept reality, lament the past waste and remove them. Make the change NOW. Don't be a goose.
"They also get exhausted at playing nice. They are not naturally empathic." My boss to those of us left -- after a significant number of staff quit: I know I need to win your trust. Me: 😶 *week later* defeated by narcissism and back to gaslighting, micro-managing and calling people her resources.
I was married to an extreme narcissist for 16 years, and I can tell you from personal experience that, yes, in fact, they DO know what they are doing. My ex had experienced a anxiety-induced breakdown and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. While she was medicated and a little loopy, she grabbed my hand and told me she was soooo sorry for how she treated me. After she recovered, she "didn't remember" that conversation - conveniently. Everything the doctor is saying here is absolutely true.
@@kckc99 thankfully, no. I stayed in that relationship waaaaay too long, and in return, I lost everything at the end. The true tragedy was how cliché it all was.
My ex lied, manipulated, and worst of all gaslighted me more times than I can count. I was so discombobulated most of the time I would doubt myself so much. Once I caught on to his horrible behavior I stopped playing his sick games. He absolutely cannot fool me anymore and he absolutely hates me. Too bad for him.
I would say that they do know what they are doing, but still feel entitled to be abusive because they believe that everyone else is mean spirited as well. They seem to have a very cynical world view.
They know. They don't care. And they will gaslight you further into thinking it is all your fault. Even the cheating - they will find a way to blame you.
A girl I used to be friends with is diagnosed with BPD and very likely has comorbid vulnerable narcissism. She used to look around the room to make sure no one else was there before flying into a tantrum. Then she would make sure there was no easy way for you to leave (in the middle of an activity, physically confined in an elevator, etc.) During these tantrums she would slap herself, rip out her hair and bang her head against the wall! It was insane to see. Her triggers were any time she was criticized, even for miniscule things, or anytime someone was praised and she wasn't given more praise. The only thing that would calm her down was telling her how pretty, smart, amazing etc. She was. She would demand constant attention and eggshell walking. Immediately after an episode she would act like nothing had happened und would go back to cracking jokes (literal seconds to minutes later). People felt that something was off about her though, but she still did her best to hide it. Once I realized she was purposely cornering me and trying to use me as a caretaker and as supply for compliments and attention, purposely isolating me and being super manipulative (hitting herself IN FRONT OF ME while saying "omg why can't I be as good as you?!?!?"!!!), I dipped out real quick. Truly, the only way with these people is no contact.
Crazy!!! I think when things like this happen in the moments you are just so confused like did this adult really just do this then days later it really starts to set in. I’m glad you went no contact because believe me when I say that was just a preview of what was to come!!
I grew up with a narcissistic and gaslighter parent. It took me until I was in my early thirties before I put my foot down. I’m still recovering, but this video was very validating.
Same. I had to be successful until I let her drag me down to her level now she's abusing me now at the age of 53!! The witch is 76!! I'm only here because of my 81 year old dad she's been abusing. He's helpless and dependent the more I try to advocate for him the more she's attacking me. 😡😡
I always thought my parents knew they were being mean .... And this just validated what I thought. The first time I recognized something was off with my parents (and I was only 9 years old) is that they would scream, yell, hit me or each other but we're so polite and generous to others. Thank you for helping those of us who have struggled with narc parents for 40+ years.
It’s sad I wasted the first 30 yrs. of my life on my nasty abusive “mother” before going absolute no contact. I must say the last 40 have been great ;-)
That’s awesome that you spotted the bad behavior so young. You must have been a very intelligent kid, with a strong sense of self. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until well into my 20s that my mom was the problem, and not me. I thought she was perfect, and she was mean to me because I was just a bad kid that deserved bad treatment. I’m still trying to deprogram that thinking at 30.
That was my mom. Ppl thought she was sad but in the apt complex we lived in bc she would babysit all the kids in the complex for next to nothing but she would verbally abuse her own kids and husband nonstop.
The big red flag for me was this: my narcissist friend constantly disparaged his best friend from law school and also the guy’s wife behind their backs, but he would be super nice and phony when in their presence. I despise this sort of behavior. I figured out the couple he was disparaging were much wealthier than him and he seemed jealous of this. Once i got to know the couple, i found them to be very nice people. I started to distance myself from my narcissist friend after and now we rarely speak
I tried to rationalize until I had a therapist tell me that my mother would have made the choice to abuse me. She would have known what she was doing. I always hoped that maybe she just blacked out or was out of body or whatever nonsense. When I was told that, it was painful but it was the catalyst to starting a journey to being free. I’m still on that journey 4 years later. Thanks for all you do! Happy holidays
At 6:35 "activate their shame" very accurate , narcs can not stand acts of competency they see it as an attack and make you pay for it with emotional abuse.That keeps their target always doubting their competency , it is an evil intentional game .
It’s so gross how they do this. I’ve actually witnessed narcissistic husbands… who I barely know, make sure others are watching as they start their “performance”. It’s sad to see what it does to the children. I’m 44 and my mom’s generation is so weird about divorce. They don’t seem to realize abuse is the greatest reason to get a divorce. Narcissists rarely change. Many from that generation are actually very judgmental about divorce. Protect yourself and your children. In my case, I suffered horribly because of my childhood and every relationship I have had has been a narcissist. It’s so much better being alone than being in that kind of abusive and toxic relationship. I seriously cannot even really imagine what it must be like to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I believe those kind of relationships are out there. God please bless and heal everyone here!❤️
I agree. My mom was too codependent to leave, and even after our narcissistic dad left us she never taught us about boundaries and healthy relationships. I got into abusive relationships and my sister is a narcissist herself. Sometimes I wonder if she could have been a normal, loving person if mom had left when we were little.
The fact that narcs present different faces to different people means they always know what they're doing and saying
So true.
Soooooo ouch!😪
yep
@@elaineco5746 They know. They don't care but they know.
100%!
"They are CHOOSING to treat you badly, because they believe they can". There's no truer statement 👌🏾
Why? What is the purpose?
They believe that they have the right / permission to behave that way, that is why they are all the time looking for the weak part of humans. @@vincentguzzi4848
@@vincentguzzi4848 they need you to be an emotional punching bag for them. My wife has a lot of patience for other people but when it comes to me nope. She tells me she knows she shouldn’t talk to me the way that she does but she always plays the victim making excuses : that it is difficult for her to change because of her terrible childhood with narcissistic parents. The funny thing is that she is a life coach to some people. She spends a lot of time and energy listening to them all day being the best version of herself but when she is done and exhausted at the end of the day guess who is there the listen to her? 😅
@@vincentguzzi4848 the same purpose they do everything - supply.
Yep, give their best to the outside and their worst for behind closed doors.
The craziest thing about all the abuse, invalidation and criticism is that the next day they act as if nothing had happened. And you're just left thinking WTF, did I dream all of that?
EDIT:
I am overwhelmed by all the responses. On the one hand, I am astonished at and feel sorry for the amount of people going through the same thing, but on the other hand, I am touched by the sense of community and all the support. Whatever your experience with a narcissist may be, remember that you are NOT alone. We got this! ❤️
Yes, it's crazy. It's an attempt to gaslight YOU! "What? I didn't do anything! You must be delusional! " I've seen this so many times after a psychotic acting out session. I actually think they're trying to convince themselves too. Mine was once so condescending I wanted to punch her; she knew that, and it made her happy. The sheer gall of pretending she had no clue why I was anxious and scared. How stupid does she think I am? How long did she think I was gonna put up with it? That was the last straw, that time.
I have been driven to fear, panick attacks and a lack of motivation. Am done wasting my precious moments in life...period
@@lisbethbird8268 I'm so sorry you had to make that experience. And I am GLAD you got out of that relationship!
In my case, not once did my narcissist even address nor would he have me address his acting out. Whenever I wanted to talk about the issue the next day, he'd just be like "Again? You really want to keep going, don't you? Can't we just have one peaceful day?" He would just stonewall me completely and make everything look like it had been my fault to begin with. And God, he was so good at it that I ended up actually believing his words. Of course, back then I didn't know he was a narcissist, but deep down I've always known that something was terribly off. I thank the universe for the day he decided to finally discard me. Now I don't have to put up with that BS anymore. 🥳
@@guidinglightorphansinc.5255 so sorry to hear that! I wish you well and hope you can move on to a better life :)
Every Time and every single one of them, act as if nothing happened WTF head spinning
I learned.. of all places, don't go alone into a car with a narcissist or toxic person. It's like being locked in closet with them.
This
I can relate to this. It was so bad that I tried to escape the moving car. He pulled over and reported me to the police who didn't ask me what happened and like their colleagues who were already abusing me TRIBALLY with others, again abused me, when all I wanted to do was escape them and be free
This. Narc in a car (especially when he is driving so its not up to you to stop the car and get out) will massacre you.
It’s like being buried alive
It almost becomes a living hell to a point that you think it's better to jump off the moving car rather than sitting next to them
The thing that upsets me about covert narcs is how they secretly hurt people. I would LOVE for them to be exposed
They are out of control and if unfortunately you get caught up in crazy circus - you get hurt. It hurts, it really does hurt and as you reflect you realise just how crazy they are. They cause chaos because they are chaotic. As the veil is being lifted I am starting to see the amount of wasted energy that I put into this person who is a car crash. I know the regret will come later. Life is too short. I am sure one day I will look at him and see him for the pathetic soul that he is but it hurts right now.
People won’t believe you until they see or experience it themselves.
@@AJ-kb9hf with my experience the narc married into the family (married my sister). I can't control what she does I've just had to accept it and avoid him myself. Hope you get to be doing better! 👍
@@Simon0 Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I'll get there. Right now is difficult and painful but acknowledging the feelings and dealing with them is part of the healing process.
Yeah, me too 🙏🏻❤️✨
1. They defend their behaviour
2. Their timing is selective, they don’t abuse you in front of other people ( unless the people are enablers like family )
3. If you treated them the exact same way they treated you, they would react like you insulted them and that it was a major injustice
#3 literally all the time. Of course I give my narc dad the same tone he gives me from time to time, like this evening when he was talking down at me and naysaying my choice of self employment. I was actually mad at him because he’s been standing in the way of me being able to make a large purchase for my business since our finances are still partially Intertwined- very intentional set up on his part to keep me powerless. And his response was “I don’t like your attitude acting all domineering. You’re out of line”. We were all watching TV as a family then he went off to hide out in a different room to pout the rest of the night turned on the same program we were watching. My mom, the typical empath enabler who gives him too much credit called it - she said “I think he’s feeling uncomfortable about the exchange of words you had.” It was evident that it was some sort of silent treatment.
Precisely all 3 points are so true
Haha! If I treated her the way she treats me, she'd probably have me behind bars. She stole my tax return! And this was AFTER I gave her $1k to "buy a restaurant". I paid her rent/car payments several times and she still stole from me. I even paid for her husband's car once (he still ended up letting it get repossessed a few months later. That's another $275 she managed to squeeze out of me). I paid for her dog when she wanted to adopt, paid for the dog's vet bill when it got sick, and paid for it's cremation after it died from eating fertilizer in my sister's back yard.
She smooth talked me into letting her do my taxes one year, but then made up a weird story about how the government was holding my return in escrow and I would get it only if I was taking out a loan for a house or school or something...I fell for it because I was new to the workforce and was only 21 at the time. My grandpa found out, got angry and set me straight, and it shattered my world knowing my own sister could make up lies like that without a shred of remorse. Just for a lousy $500.
She scratched and bloodied my throat and threatened to never let me see my niece (she loves to use her kids as collateral) because I said I don't think Orlando Bloom is a good actor.
And when I FINALLY got a decent boyfriend, (after years of her making fun of me and treating me like a loser for not actively dating) she said I was no longer going to be my niece's godmother because she didn't want me to expose her daughter to whatever "strange men" I bring around...I didn't date for four years prior! I think she just hated the fact that I finally found love. She liked me better as the loser single sister.
When I eventually got married to him, she didn't talk to me for 3 whole years. Didn't even send me a generic "Congratulations!" text the day of us going to the courthouse (I didn't get a wedding, but my sister did of course. She got a wedding on a fancy boat! All I got was my mom and dad came with me and my fiance to the courthouse, and then we had lunch at IHOP. The frigging waitress said congrats to me but not my own sister!) She really must have disliked the fact that my life was starting up.
Anything good happens to me and she hates it. Has to find all sorts of reasons why it's wrong/stupid/selfish/whatever. I have no idea what I did to her to make her do this stuff to me, or if she treats everyone else this bad. It really does feel like it's just me getting this kind of treatment.
My crime? Being born I guess. I tried to remedy that 3 times with a couple bottles of booze and sleeping pills. Apparently that's only enough to make you sick, but not enough to actually achieve the goal of what I like to call, my "un birth". Maybe if I succeeded my sister would've finally been satisfied.
When I got my first period she got angry. She acted like I was trying to steal her spotlight as the teen of the house. I didn't have puberty on purpose! My mom and her had a screaming match over it that day because my sister wouldn't let me have any of the maxi pads.
It was humiliating. I really do believe she just wants me to stop existing entirely. I can only imagine the meltdown she'd have if I ever had a baby lol.
@@smedmark1 Does he have access to your bank account? How is he blocking your finances?
Totally!
When we feel joy, they feel pain. When we feel pain, they feel joy. Truly twisted individuals!
They know exactly what they're doing. They are cruel at home and the most charming person in front of others. And wearing that mask exhausts them, so they lash out at you even more.
So, so, so true
Yes, at his house was where majority of the toxicity & abuse took place. I refused myself to go back to him after the discard and his many, many hoovered attempts. I actually became scared of him and to go back over there, I felt uneasy and sick. My body even had trembles at times thinking of how he discarded Me and then, trying to get me back and wanting me to come back over. My body was reacting to him and feeling anxious. Thank God I don't feel the anxiety anymore since being away from him.
It's such a sad realisation but it's true
No wonder the narc is always exhausted 😮
They are exhausting people.
This is definitely one of the worst issues: that narcissists are so lovely to other people and other people love them so much.
The caveat to that is that it's only the depth of a kiddie pool from WalMart.
So you look crazy for breaking up. Not them
Yep! So that their targets look like the oddball weirdo while they look like a big ray of sunshine. To hell with these people.
Thats why no one believes it when you tell them whats going on in the relationship. Because they have a respectful relationship, or business like relationship with that person. And all the while you are getting verbally, emotionally, or physically abused. Its a manipulative planned act. Many people in relationships use their partners/family member as punching bags. Everything you do is wrong. They will always change the situation or raise the bar to where you are never right....no matter what you.
Its an opportunity to be cruel, and get away with it.
We already know they know. They just don't care.
AND they convince themselves that they have the RIGHT to act that way.
Underrated comment
My take is their sense of entitlement to abuse comes from a rationalization that everyone else is just as deceitful and slimy as they are, and that everyone plays the same games. Just because they “know what they’re doing” doesn’t mean they know WHY nor that they have the ability to stop.
@Iris-Angela Jones oh yes, they think they are “good” people. That’s the disorder whispering in their ears, “you’re doing great! Keep it up!!!” It prevents them from having any meaningful introspection or accountability.
Like, aw ma, all the other kids get to be nasty little narcissists!
@@roadbox a narc once said to me: "show me a man who is better than I am". I think that narc people lives in the inverted world or in some paralel universe
That's exactly what I realized: If they can pretend with others in public, then they ARE aware of their sick behavior. That what they're doing is just plain demonic.
I didn't finish my statement but man my whole life i would say she just dum the works never mind but it will destroy your heart to know my sister is cold blooded i was watching Dateline the murder show and they said the word narcissist i knew i picked up on things my whole life but i had different wotds for it all kind of behavior things she would do,im talking bad stuff sex ,lies,bad meanness now it hurt me cause i finally told her and turn on her im on drugs and that did not help it tore my soul up to be against my big sister its bad it hurts im scared cause i can not take it back i called her out it was like bad the things she would do sometimes i think she need my dad to die the way of her mistreated meant i learn i was a victim of bad abuse i told her is this what the lord likes o my god it hurts to hurt my sister feelings but i just could not bare no more i learn alot and man it really hurts to know this is true about people me watching my sister my whole life was terror and than it killed me to be against her they said narcissist have no compassion no heart it is real i watch her she was not born this way it hurts your soul that me linda turn on you big time
I've been referring to my mother as a demon for years. I'm relieved that she is finally dead!
@@amandakropen3273 Amazing isn’t it but yes .. I believe this is a demonic happening. Well and truly!!!
@@beccareynolds4625 thanks :)
I would always ask my ex why she seemed to act so much nicer around her friend whose house she was staying at than she ever did with me. She said it was because she was a guest and she didn’t want to get kicked out. She 100% knew that if she pulled the same shit in someone else’s house, it would not be okay, but in her mind, it was okay with her bf.
When I told my narcissist wife during a counseling session I was leaving her she folded completely.
For about 60 seconds she admitted to stealing from me, cheating, lying, and refusing to work when she could have.
She listed things I'd forgotten.
She said she'd never do them again and begged me to forgive her.
She knew exactly what she had done but always denied.
Of course they know what they're doing.
Wow. It's so mind boggling!
I’m sorry you went through that. Truly. I do want to say your comment helped me.
@@christinapaterno5585
Thank you. That helps me, too.
My life is so much better. I'm surrounded by people who love me.
I'll never be treated like that again.
:)
My ex did this too. Admitted to being a jerk basically. But I was already mentally out the door years before I actually left (I stayed until youngest was in kindergarten). He also admitted his wrong-doings to our son years later when he packed up and left his house for 6 months. He finally admitted to having an anger management problem. He has actually stopped raging at the kids because they are old enough to leave him now. But he still does what he can get away with: eye rolls, impatience, huffing and puffing, blame. He just does it quietly. What a kook lol
200 % they know.
They know. Their friends don’t know. Their intimate partners know.
I’m a coworker and I now know
I think this question is raised due to the fact that we (the punching bags) are genuinely kind and could never imagine treating another human in that manner. That we can't imagine how people could behave like that towards us especially if we didn't do anything wrong. It does throw us for a loop. I thought this many times over the years that I was in my family circle. I left years ago and feel much better. Thanks again Dr. Ramani!
It’s horrifying to think that anyone could treat another person this way. It’s even worse to think just how many people are willing to treat people this way. It’s what makes me terrified for humanity more and more everyday.
@Unit in Harmony very well put. Thank you
I also lived in that wtf world. I still struggle understanding the evil in these people, especially those I am related to. Two weeks ago, a sister Narc (both parents were narcs), whom I haven't spoken to in 30 years, six months and 3 days sends a three line note saying she was thinking of me and how to reach her, nothing about what she had done to stop contact, no apology, no thought about how I may be, nothing. Yeah, never talking to her ever again. Never.
@@susanrhodes5681 sounds like my family. Like they never did anything wrong! So irritating!
@@lisamr40 They treat people that do them no wrong poorly because they are insecure and envious of the qualities loving people have. That's a way to temporarily regulate their despair and self loathing.
They also take our kindness for weakness, thinking that we'll never put them in their place.
However, if they keep poking us, they eventually get that bear that they were looking for, whether they want to or not.
Narcissists know what they are doing. They just lack the empathy required to feel guilty about the impact that their behavior is having on those close to them.
My ex would get furious at me when I told him I had turned to family members for support. He was cheating, lying and physically and verbally abusive. And all he cared about was that me telling a family member what he'd done, made him look bad. He didn't care he was abusive, he just didn't want anyone to know
Shame based inner child....and his behaviour not ok...!!
100% Facts
Mine is Mr. Integrity too!
Same with my family. Telling the truth was "mean words", and I was always supposed to be "the bigger person". My narc father made damn sure to triangulate and pit my (golden child) sister and me (scapegoat) against each other, so even after he died, there will never be a chance for reconciliation.
Ditto.
I’m an empath and I’m married to a Narc and this channel has offered me so much my words cannot express my gratitude. It’s so freeing
I too am am empath. He almost destroyed me. I swear I was a pure soul when I met him 11 years now ago.
I am empath.
Barely survived her.
Was taken in by a nice family. …
Figured out narcissist daughter. …
Then find out it’s a narc cult
Sociopath dad😮
Me too thank you so much
Don't be married to a narcissistic. Don't get good in with being with narcissistics. Become good in being with good partners.
@@fastinradfordable I hope you are no longer in that family.
Their actions are so premeditated. It is astonishing how skilled they are at blindsiding their target with their sudden shift in demeanor!
Yes, it really is astonishing. My mother premeditated to crush my computer on the floor for months, to the point I knew she would eventually do that and did backup all my data. She also waited for my father and brother to leave the house, no witnesses that way. When she did it it was in such calculated way, you could tell it was all fake and not spountaneous at all
Yeah! It's almost as if they're a couple steps ahead and have prepared for every possible reaction we would have. I can't imagine how tiresome it must be to think this way all the time. It almost makes me feel sorry for them lol.
Yep, I always said he had a very high degree of emotional intelligence - he could tap into the feelings and thoughts of other people - especially women who he was attracted to!
@@AJ-kb9hf that's honestly scary!
@@corninyourpoop It is - I was always quite amazed and in my gut I used to get the feeling that he would approach them later like a slime ball. He could sniff out women attracted to him from miles away. I recently found out he has mild autism, mild intellectual disability and an IQ of 76 and neurological disorder (borderline) - not sure what the last one means. But when it comes to EQ he is well ahead of his game.
They can’t handle receiving what they dish out, imho!
They really can't and hate when you don't mirror their tantrum, yell ect and blankly state facts. My narc husband does this when I'm out trying to do deliveries for shipt, grub hub, ect. Starting with a text after 2 hours "you should be headed home by now" (ok break it down...3 deliveries from 3 diff stores in large shopping area that's already 30 min from our house, then after picking up deliveries doing one at a time 20 min drive to deliver each, then head home and still need gas storm yeah after being gone 2-2 1/2 hrs I should've been home "hours ago". The math totally adds up to that. I was told "wtf did I think I was talking to" and how I only think about me and he had stuff he wanted to do today *which if course he failed to conveniently mention*. So I told him I wasn't to blame for his accountability in NOT letting me know when I left out to begin with for deliveries. We had talked when he had gotten out and came home from hospital that even working overnight for me wasn't possible in case he needed help medical wise and then of course my mom. Trust me I had third shift job already lined up thinking everyone else be in bed already right? So I'll be the crazy one that's just exaggerating his behavior when I can't even work more than 2 deliveries on my own time bc he wants to be a whiny brat. Everything he literally said to me tonight (calling me a brat ect) was his own reflection not mine. I see through his f-ing clown act and denial.
poor losers😂
"Narcissists devalue you so much that they save the worst for you.."
They absolutely do. I cannot describe the feeling of horror reading the kind, empathetic and loving messages he was sending to a female ‘friend’. I’m his wife and the mother of his children and trying to get a single kind word out of him is impossible. The fact that he was able and willing to give it to someone else was enraging beyond description. He denies that it was an emotional affair but he’s been running to her to have his ego stroked and to support her for the entirety of our relationship. She thinks he’s the sweetest man in the world. She doesn’t know him.
let her have him. She will get to know him for herself and you will get rid of a massive burden of pain, rage and betrayal.
Normal husband's don't text other females, normal men and husband's don't try to hide being married, if a man is reaching out to other woman, that's a red flag, normal men don't do that, they are proud of the wife, love them & want others to know that they are together! But I he tries to make it look like he is single when he us not he will cheat and I'm so sorry but leave him, don't be a victim, a good man will not trust you like this!
Just remember…his behavior towards her or anyone else is also a smoke screen. It won’t last. Narcissists can fake good behavior for awhile; but are incapable of it being genuine and long lasting.
Let her have him. I know that is hard, especially if you're emotionally invested. However, why do you want to stay in toxicity? Being single is not a bad thing. Not like how people try to make it out to be. Narcissistic people want you to believe that you're codependent.
Mine acts that way with his male friends. Kind polite etc.
My last couple of narcs told me, "I don't know why you don't trust me," and I told them both because I'm not stupid!
the guts it takes to say that to their faces 😂
I know this comment is late, but omg, that reply is strong!! My recent ex (vulnerable narcissist, as I just learned), married for ten years, would do that cooooonstantly. "I don't know why you act that way", "what did I do wrong?", "I'm clearly bad for you", "well, why didn't *you* ask xyz" (when she saw exactly what was going on.) It took me *ten* years of my life (I'm 27 now) to notice that pattern.
Thank you! Your comment (and DrRamani's videos) was like turning a light on!
PS: This got longer than I thought, hope that's okay!
And they just don’t care…
They get joy out of bullying and making others hurt.
They absolutely know, they just think they are entitled to behave that way and don't care.
It's so difficult to remember that they're abusing you. They seem like they're coming around, but then they go back to being TOXIC! 🥵
I refer to it as, giving CPR while they’re slitting both your wrists. The jugular would be to obvious 🙄twisted non human being.
I agree so it is a rollercoaster ride; terribly exhausting and draining. After so many years of being around a narcissist I began to love being alone.
Yes! They are trying to get you to be as unstable as they are! They want everyone to see you as crazy when you stand up for yourself, as they walk around and act like no abuse is happening.
Yep lol
Make a video or note journal about your feelings. Leave yourself breadcrumbs to retrace footsteps
Pure evil. Avoid and don't communicate as much as possible. Appalling creatures, masquerading as Human Beings.
I got into comedy a while back. My mom flat out told me why she never attended any of my shows... She said that she knows all the best comedians talk about their childhood and family life... and she didn't want people to think she was a bad mother. 🙄 That was eye opening... she knows she's toxic!
not necessarily, there's a difference between what ppl could think and what is true..
She doesn't KNOW she's toxic, she is anxious at the possibility of ppl thinking she's toxic, especially if she's in the room and has to suffer through hearing them laugh, wondering what these laughs mean, what the smirks means, what all the different kind of faces and attitudes means, being afraid of you going off script and presenting her to the crowd during the show after a joke you made at something she could interpret as "her expense"
Why do humans always confuse fear, shame and emotional vulnerability with guilt?
I've also heard a lot of religious ppl act like that saying stuff like "if being fat was bad, then why would fat ppl be ashamed?" same with gay people, masturbation, etc..
You should be careful about this doctor Ramani, I think she may be some kind of cult leader, the way she talks about this issue is dangerous, lacks nuance, I don't think she's helping, maybe she wants to, probably, but I think what she succeed at doing, is building a cult..
She shouldn't advertise herself as an author, there's a long history of scientists who just write books to avoid peer review and completely unleash all of their frustrated opinionated hot takes that wouldn't pass through peer review..
She shouldn't call herself a doctor while sharing her opinions
@@renarddubois940 dude my mom had told me since then multiple times she is afraid that people will think she is a bad mom. I'm sure there is guilt, but, she has literally exposed her own fear. As far as Dr. Ramani she has a lot more experience from a therapist perspective than I do as someone who is a patient. A cult, huh? If that's what you think we'll then, party on Garth.
@@missbeautyelise experience doesn't help you from leaving behind bad ideas, it just reinforce them..
Dr Ramani isn't proving that narcissists know that what they do is bad, or unnacceptable..
What they know is that their personallity would be perceived as unnacceptable in public, that is not to say they can't find someone with which they can be themselves..
She should know the nuance, she should be able to understand these concepts, and I think she does, she just doesn't care to elaborate because she's patronizing you, she thinks you need to hear certain things and she deliver..
the facts that you make her rich and thanks her for doing so reinforce her behavior and then she justifies post hoc her lack of scientific rigor.
@@renarddubois940 I'm pretty sure she knows her own mother better than a stranger on the internet 🙄
@@missbeautyelise excellent!😝🤘🏽
*the Wayne’s world reference, not your mom’s toxicity.
The fact that they try and hide what they have done and are doing
means that they know it’s wrong !
Yes when you realize in fact you have become their victim, like they know the jig is up, they will hide, they won't respond, they will likely disappear.
My parents were helping me pack up my things from my dorm at the end of one school year a decade ago, and my roommates were not around...or so my dad thought. He was snapping at me and my mom for not packing the things up fast enough, and suddenly my roommate came around the corner- she had to have heard everything- and I never saw my dad change expressions as quick as that. Literally from cranky and harsh to pleasant and happy. I almost laughed out loud right then and there. He stayed quiet the rest of the packing and only turned it on again once we were all in the van driving away. So yeah, they know.
That must be the hardest pill to swallow... Hope you can heal from them💖
Had an experience just like this. Except it was my dad lying to the police. From chasing me around in his car screaming like a psycho, barricading me in the house screaming and raging, to complete calm cool and collected 5 minutes later after a woman called the cops on him because she thought he was some random mad man chasing me in his car raging at me through the streets. As soon as the cops came to the house he was completely cool and collected and telling them how it was all in my head and I had anxiety. No one in my family believed me when I told them, and no one cared. It was so scary to see his expression flip like that. I was just a little girl. Still have not escaped them. Just learning about NPD now :(
I can relate. My dad was always super happy at functions with extended family but in the car home he'd turn into a lunatic.
Wow I'm so sorry..that must have been a living hell to have a parent like that
Yep, and if you call them out in that moment with a "Oh hi roommate! Now, what were you saying again, Dad?" they would say nothing or make a joke, but once they had you alone in the van or at home they will lay into you even harder. Everyone else is responsible for their rage and abuse.
When my mother was in the hospital for over a month awaiting diagnosis, treatment and then in rehab for recovery from the rare spinal disorder she had, she was a completely different person. She was pleasant, warm, and expressed gratitude to those around her. My entire life I told myself she was mentally ill to justify/explain her behaviors to myself...it wasn't until then that I realized that a person who can turn it on and off at will isn't mentally ill. They choose it, they can control it. I saw it for what it was: evil. Once she went back home she was her old self again and the first mean, abusive thing she did to me was the last one because I cut ties with her and never looked back. Life has been easier, more peaceful, sweeter and exponentially better. Sure I finally grieved for the mother I wished I had, forgave her and moved on with my life.
You describe my mother and her other kid.
I'm currently in a panic because her abuse is killing me, and I can't and won't take it anymore, but I am also so scared of completely losing her - while she is alive, but also if/when she passes away, because I long for (exactly what you wrote, the mother I hope for and imagine there can be, and sometimes was when she chose to show the kind side of her (of course there was a price tag attached, that would later need to be paid up)). I feel stupid and weak for wanting her love, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to cut her completely out of my life. She is also the only family I have left, and I also feel so much guilty due to narc abuse programing and conditioning, and because she sees me having abandoned her because I've moved out. I KNOW I haven't abandoned her, and shouldn't feel guilty for trying to live for me, and not only solely exist to be her personal narc supply, but everything is so rough, and de-programing is difficult.
How did you do it? How did you get through it? What did you tell yourself to get through things? How long has it taken for you to be okay with everything? I know we are all different and deal differently, but I'm desperate for some guidance, information, advice and help.
I wish you all the best of the best to you, friend. Have a wonderful year and forever :)
@@ts4686 your not alone, my mom is going throught , but god sees everything
Keep this shit in yo mind
@@qualityplug1650 Urgh Im sorry you're also going through narc abuse, friend. It is devastating and so tough to survive. I wish that our mothers would heal, but to heal one needs to first acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with, and that won't ever happen with my mother. Sadly so.
@@ts4686 my dad is narc
@@qualityplug1650 My apologies, I thought you wrote about your mother. But it's the same no matter which parent it is. It sucks either way.
You just described my 34-year marriage to my ex-husband. And probably a lot of others' relationships also. Thank you for validating what so many of us have endured. You're the best!
After 34 years I hope you are savouring your freedom. Well done.❤
Indeed
34 years…phew. What made you stay so long, and what gave you the push to get out? Thank you for entertaining my curiosity.
And btw, so happy for you.
Yes, yes, how and why did u finally get out, and end the cra cra?
My narcissist would rage, call me the most disgusting names and throw the most embarrassing tantrums in public instead of behind closed doors. I felt humiliated and degraded on a level that I can’t even describe. So glad he’s out of my life!
Of course they do. We project our hopes and dreams onto them and ignore all the red flags, abuse and disrespect.
👆👆👆👆👏👏👏👏
So true.
It’s nit as simple as ignoring it all. That makes everyone sound as stupid as the people on the outside think.
@@meliss9536 it's not about sounding stupid. Most majority people dont even realize or are even aware of narcissistic abuse until they are right smack in the middle of it, also hopes that this person will change for good and chasing the highs of the relationship surrounded by multitude of lows keeps people hooked. We needed those tools before we got into that mess, that only makes us humans and not stupid.
"It is not that they are not aware enough, it is that they do not care enough. It is not that they do not see. It is that they disagree." - Dr. George Simon
They know they don't compromise but want their own way it's all about them
So glad I figured out the term for this behaviour and don't research. Best to keep ppl like this far away
*Creepy*
Breaking the trauma bond is hard. But staying with a narc is even harder. What most important is, when we leave, there's a guarantee that we will be happy again although it takes time. But staying with them, it won't ever happen.
The smirk is what tipped me off. After being so condescending and hurtful, he seemed proud of himself and as if he even enjoyed doing it.
There is better after this.
Oh man that smug smirk and fake laugh will forever haunt me.
Yes, the smirk. After the rage.
Wow! My father does this, and I could never understand why he seemed so happy in the middle of a horrible argument. Thank you for sharing.
Love it when this type person baits and finally gets you wound up and pissed off then laughs. That's when I write them off.
because they enjoy hurting others they are evil.
For many years I thought my mother didn't know. I also thought my ex didn't know. Then I read a meme that summarized what you just confirmed, they do know. That's the hardest pill to swallow, their intentionality and even enjoyment in making you suffer.
Facts
Yeps, they do know. My ex once admitted to me that his goal was to break me, that if he made me cry then he was happy, sick right?
@@sitavita yes very sick. I'm glad he's now the ex, like mine
Same here. Why would my mother even talk to my ex even after she knew he was clearly not for me? Glad to say Thanksgiving was the best this year, away from everyone toxic.
That's the worst of it: that they deliberately hurt you and take pleasure in it. Especially when they are family.
My father lost his mind when I publicly spoke out about his narcissistic abuse. Bank statements and text messages do not lie. I don't care what enabler family I lose because you can not argue with the truth.
I relate to this so much....
Good for you! I’m glad you stuck up for yourself and got away from that toxicity!
Yes!! good for you
Facts
Good for you ♥️
My son is divorcing a narcissist. He has lived in hell for 2 years and I am proud of him for breaking away. I know that she is going to make things very hard and play the victim. She drove him to the brink of insanity. This channel has helped me to understand what motivated her throughout the relationship.
Hope there are no kids
You might have your son explore why he was attracted to a narcissist in the first place. It’s a question I’ve asked myself also
Yep, they know they're wrong, they just don't care.
Have a wonderful holiday season, Dr.Ramani!
They don't care....
They really don't, and the sooner we get that thru our heads the better.
They don't care....
Sometimes also...they are so malignant and vindictive, that they cannot help themselves...the rage just has to go out. No self-reflexion.
Actually they do care. But what do they care about? No one but themselves. Their supply and nothing else.
They care about themselves and their wants more than anything else.
@@raccuia1 LOL , Sad, but true.
I grew up thinking it was normal to only be “told off” as a child when no one else was around. It was always so important to project a happy family image, when the truth was rage and fear
Same here :(
Same here as well.
Awwwe 🥲
I felt this comment. This was me and my mom. She would cut my smile clean off my face whenever we were alone 😔
I know exactly what you mean. I forgive them and am building myself up now. But it really damages a Childs mind and makes you go within yourself more and more.
That sounds like my experience with someone I thought was my friend who I now know is a narc
Yep, it sure is fun to be a doormat child in a family with these kinds of evil dynamics. Nobody outside of that house ever catches whiff of the NPD horrors occurring behind closed doors. It is a special kind of gaslighting to do this Jekyl and Hide transformation with one's children who have no chance in hell of ever getting a mere ounce of validation from extended family or through a random and honest reality check. Narcissists are mean!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. So did I, I was the doormat child too feeling like I was worthless and invisible but never being able to tell my truth because the narcissist abuse is so insidious and underhanded, nobody would ever believe a word out of my mouth. It's hell on earth.
"Nobody outside of that house ever catches whiff..." ... And rarely able to get those others to believe you.
That's what I call it...The Jekyll and Hyde
So sorry you lived that. Hoping you since made your own family far away.
My sister was bipolar and i dealt a lot with that in childhood. I have good friends that are more like sisters to me.
Jekyl and Hide is right. My mom to a T. As soon as we're out of the view of others, all hell breaks loose over the stupidest things like a bottle cap that drops on the floor. And for what. Nothing. Ever. These people are irrational. Sucks that it's my mom in this case.
If I treated my malignant narc sister the way she treated me all these years, one of us would be in jail.
"Your form of supply is to be their punching bag." Thank you Dr. Ramani. This one sentence hit home for a variety of reasons.
"Your form of supply is to be their punching bag." Thanks for re-writing that. It's a good one.
I've been punched my whole life and have multiple medical issues from it. You can't cure rhuematoid arthritis!!!
For sure! She called me (I always pick up no matter what) not this time though. 3 calls in a row followed by a text that said "just really wanted to cuss you out".
@@amytiffanyhemingway he's not trying to help you. You have been conditioned into this type of thinking.
@@amytiffanyhemingway definitely not helping you. If he was trying to help he could’ve said it nicely or just point out things you can improve. But he just said that and didn’t even give a way to fix it. He basically said “no one will ever love you but me” and that is not true so don’t believe it!
My uncle once said to my aunt who would try defend her brothers bad behavior "Are they like that at work? Because if they are that means that they do have a problem. But if they are not that means they are fully aware of what they are doing and do so on purpose."
After *every* manufactured fight -- to which there were many -- my NPD older sibling used to always say , "Don't tell mom and dad about this....... it will break their hearts to think we aren't getting along"..... I finally realized that it was because they didn't want people (especially the ones giving them money) to know about their behavior. Only rapists and child molesters tell their victims to keep quiet...... I knew then they were aware of their behavior.
If possible, no contact is the only option. Leave and heal......
I absolutely feel this way about my older “sister”. She’s the most abusive girl. All she does is project. I wouldn’t be sad if she disappeared
@@StudyBlanca if you can’t get away from her because she is family, watch Dr. Ramani’s videos about indifference and radical acceptance.
Simply put, she has helped me realize it is not only okay to not care about these psychological thugs, it is smart and the only way to keep them from hurting you. She can really help you with keeping your equilibrium when you can’t avoid contact. Best wishes for you.
@@epluribusunum1460 thank you 🥰 we’re currently not talking & i plan on keeping it that way. I try not to hate anyone, I strongly dislike her. She’s the most abusive person in the world. Earlier this week she went into rage because she thought I took her keys and I didn’t even drive The car. She said she placed them on the hook in the kitchen, they were on the floor and i picked them up and placed on the kitchen counter. She didn’t even try to look, she just started yelling and I cussed right back out. The whole time she projected and accused me of never knowing where the keys are, when that is LITERALLY her MO every time we ask her. I’m working to move out soon, I’m never speaking to any of them again. But I’ve airway accepted it, I don’t want a relationship with them anyways. I can get away from anyone!
I finally left my narcissistic family. It's all an act. Nice in public and abusive behind closed doors. I have had enough!
what is NPD?
It blows me away that someone can be that mean, but it resonates as correct. So thankful that my husband is no longer able to do that to me- partly because I wouldn’t put up with it but also because he’s deceased.
a happy ending some may say
I’m so sorry
Hey, either way, I'm glad you don't have to put up with his BS anymore! Congrats!
I pray mine to die soon...I can't take th abuse anymore.
No condolences. The world has no more room for evil. He won't be missed.
You are absolutely correct Dr. Ramani, they can turn it off and on ! My EX narc was totally adored by others, and he totally abused me ! People would say, "Oh, what a great guy he is. You are so lucky ! Towards the end of his reign of terror over me, I began responding to those adoring people, "You don't live with him !". When I was packing to leave, he literally stood over me raging !
Now I know what HATE is - its what the narc feels about themselves. They will pound you into the ground to make themselves feel better.
Yep exactly! Everyone “loves” my husband. How great he is! Ugh makes me sick. The sickening thing is he is “a great man” around others. Yep when I left my house he was in tears begging then 3 seconds later raging ! Crazymaking! Wish you luck!
The narc can't just hate self and leave everybody else out of the issue.
@@jasmine3416 Exactly - sickening how they start a huge argument, gaslight you, demean you, humiliate you, rage at you, call you every nasty name, refer to you as their Ex's name, etc, etc. You back down for the sake of peace and quiet, then 10 minutes later, they approach you with a fake smile and ask you what's for dinner, like it never happened. I was cycled through that torment daily. It took a huge toll on my physical as well as my mental health. Half an hour later, one of their enabler family members calls them and narc give them a BS story about how difficult you are or that they are tired of how you treat them. It's more gaslighting. Mind numbing.
I tried to rationalize UNTIL I heard him telling a "trusted" guy friend that he's messed up and the problem is him. That's while I was packing up to leave him.
Good on you for leaving!
Wow… that must have been validating for you… maybe? Do you think he was sincere, or baiting you for a future Hoover? I hope you are well and thriving!
@@christinemacpherson6129 he didn't know I was listening in
@@exploringnext1111 he wasn’t sincere. That was a manipulation tactic
@@StudyBlanca
Exactly! 💯 I’m sure he knew she could hear him and thought that him admitting everything was his fault would make her reconsider. NOT! 😂
The way I know they know is how they change their behavior in public. The best measure of a person is how they behave when they think no one is watching.
My narcissistic sister can go from lovebombing to verbal abuse and blame shifting/lack of accountability in the same conversation or email/text. That’s when you know the niceness or love is them faking.
My sister too! She is also histrionic so you can imagine what that's like. I hope you are getting resolution and moving ahead with you in mind. They don't change and not seeing or hearing from her is golden, family or not.
did you try to change her or give her an understanding of what problem she's going through (npd). Did you ask her to talk to a professional therapist?. i have an elder sister who is going through npd. what can i do to change herself?
This is my dad to a T
I was just talking about this. Another way to find out is to call their bluff. My husband was trying to upset and scare me in a restaurant while waiting for my daughter and her bf and son. He was gonna start a fight with someone who was "looking at him wrong". I told him I was calling her to cancel the dinner and he could go ahead, I'm leaving. Suddenly everything is ok and he's calm. 🙄
My goodness! Why do they love outdoor event embarrassment fights, especially restaurants. I like your style, cancel his crazy acts and walk away in your dignity. Good on you
That proves it’s a choice and they can control it.
@@masquarra mine is only mean in private, his good guy image is too important for him.
When I see comments like yours, I shake my head. You said your husband. I was hoping you would say your "ex" husband but you didn't. Why the hell are you still with evil? It astounds me. When are people like you and millions of others going to make that change in your life?
@@raccuia1 It is not that easy, I too am currently married to a nightmare of a narcissist and truly trapped. He was very sneaky in orchestrating it so that all my avenues of escape were closed. Anyone from the outside yelling to “just leave,” trust us we would love to truly, but alas, it is not that simple or we would have trust us.
The fact that high substance use is associated with narcissism I think also proves they have the need to numb out their bad feelings.
The only reason why I thought they didn’t understand or mean it is because when I confronted them and said “Don’t you know how hurtful that is?” The response to keep me on the hook was always, “oh, I didn’t mean that-“ or “Why are you reading the worst in this?” It took a long time to learn because as human beings good relationship behavior is giving other people the benefit of the doubt. You are so right- this is also the reason why they isolate you so that others can’t see the problem and they can manipulate the distant people more easily.
I didn't understand cuz I get treated like this by virtually everybody, being on the spectrum. Even the seemingly "good" people who found my former narcs unbearable their selves show to be kinda corrupt, when ya dig a little. Essentially, virtually every option is terrible. Way I saw it...I can get awful right up front, or dig a little, and get it that way. Now I just barely deal with people, in general, instead :)
So true U have told. They isolate the person who knows about them and manipulate with others and spoils the name of the empath
#SpotOn
Asking them what they really did.
They are coward why they have to try to isolate us from other and start the smearing of how we are miss treating them,but in reality they are abusing us and other people believe their bullshit. Not asking what they really Did Smh.
My mother in law Narc would wait until everyone is gone out of the room to insult me or say nasty things to me.
Absolutely they know and absolutely they don’t care
they do but do not want to be accountable for their action. They expect you to let it pass and “pretend” what they did didn’t happen. On top of it, they want you to repent and bow down for their behaviour and something you didn’t do.
Exactly. The narc has even said this to me directly. He said “ if I tell you it didn’t happen it didn’t or if I say it wasn’t me it wasn’t” and that I should just forget everything right away and basically pretend that this conversation never happened. Even when I had proof 🤦♀️
@@amytiffanyhemingway and they'll convince you you're the problem for fighting back and calling out their behavior, the more you do it the faster they leave, but the more ammo they have for their "we're equally at fault" narrative. Just blocked an old friend cause they believe it. They'll talk to me, then say they aren't talking to the narc, but when i talk about my experience they only end up defending them, saying i wasn't abused, that it was equally our faults. Only really started making progress to heal when i gave us distance. Now that i know, they're out of the picture too
@@narrowstone5363 yeah I love my bf so much I just volunteered that it was all my fault last week even tho it wasn't and he came back to see me. I'm not going to bother calling out anything any more. Does send them away when you point out the obvious. I guess well I know it's true, God know's truth. Probably even he knows truth. But always says I'm the negative one. I'm just too tired to try defend myself or understand what the truth is anymore. Just decided to be totally submissive. Even tho I know he's probably doing goodness knows what else because why not, he can do what he wants. And I've been isolated from his family and friends. He can just tell them whatever he wants.
@@amytiffanyhemingway It breaks my heart to see anyone else go through this type of abuse. Yes, it really is a form of ABUSE. Idk how much you've learned about NPD but look at Dr. Ramani's entire playlist as well as other channels. It's very hard to believe someone you love is capable of deliberately mean behavior, but it will continue to damage your spirit & self-esteem if you stay. That's how they thrive. Look up gaslighting. The narc's tactic to make the victim feel guilty, crazy, and even doubt themselves (when they/we know the truth)... It's those type of mind games that keep the victim coming back (or simply put up with their behavior longer). It is all very wrong and MANIPULATIVE. I sincerely hope you have the ability to leave. Talk to family & friends who know YOU better. Don't let him isolate you. It'll help you realize the so-called "good" of the relationship is not worth the BS & suffering. Trust me, he'll try to charm or seduce you, get you to forgive/forget, offer gifts you can't refuse... But the cycle will repeat again and again. Do you really want to deal with that? *BTW, It's not your fault! But you can end it sooner than later. Hope these videos help you like they helped me.❤️
I had to tell my mother a couple days ago that she and her family are unhealthy for me and I can’t be around them anymore. Of course Christmas is a catalyst, but this has been a long time coming. My mother has told my father he can’t talk to me anymore. She knows exactly what she’s doing
Congratulations ❤
Hugs
Don't fall for a hoover. Stay no contact.
Stay strong enforcing a boundary is the hardest, but keep it and more will come with ease. First no is the hardest, well done 💛
@@FaithfulandTrue949 thanks. I feel quite alone right now but I know it’ll pass. Just don’t knownwhen
@@sunandstorm it will feel lonely. When I'm at my lowest, I call to mind why I had to make the decisions I made. When I remember why, the loneliness passes and I have a peace about it.
Keep reminding yourself why you had to make the changes you made. ❤
I understand, that whether they’re hurting you on purpose, or their lack of awareness of their actions, still hurts either way. But it hurts, thinking they did it on purpose, so you’re hoping it’s not consciously.
My Mom, when I finally saw my Mom for who she was, I was shocked. My mom was on the phone with a tenant that was in a disagreement with my mom and my mom started crying and caring on about being elder abused by this tenant I was getting upset because my mom was 83 at the time and I thought she was really crying...
My mom hangs up the phone and turns to me and laughs and said. “Was that an Academy winning performance?” I was stunned because it was the first time that I wasn’t the one she was mind *ucking. I had a hard time seeing how phony she was until it was someone else’s turn.
Mine is 85 yrs old now and her behaviors are worse than ever.
scarry! 🤯
@@Laura-nl8df same here, 83 going on 84.
There is nothing more validating or eye opening than when you see them doing it to someone else. It hits you like a ton of bricks that it's them and not you.
They can edit themselves, and can select their behaviour depending on their surroundings. They can chose who to abuse and who not to. Well done, another great video.
I have always wondered how you can tell a narcissist how much they hurt you. You articulate it every way possible, cry, stay calm, try harder leave, nothing works.
With a normal person, at some point they will think about how they made you feel.
With a narcissist, that moment never comes. Actually, they try harder the next time to hurt you even worse. On and on it goes until you don't even know who you are or what is real anymore! It's crazy making.
So very true
I have told an ex friend who was a narcissist that she is the reason why that so many people leave her because she is toxic….until she realizes that and fixes it within herself, people will continue to leave her. Just point out the obvious: that the reason they suck is because THEY DO SUCK!!!! Also try to call them out as soon as they do something negative, may it be in private or in public. Narcissists usually target their gaslighting and manipulating skills on push overs and doormat type personalities
That is so true. They are evil to the core, completely soulless individuals.
@@judihart9658 Oh, yes. I was suicidal and I told two of the narcissists in my family and I was shamed for it. They became more abusive. They have zero empathy for their target. Zilch. Unfortunately it took me almost 60 years of horrific abuse (including a relentless big smear campaign against me) to get away from all of them and it was partially because they discarded me at my fathers funeral. That was a huge blessing!! I was still talking to my mother but cut her off finally because I couldn’t believe the shocking things she was saying anymore. They have hearts of ice cold stone.
Closure comes when you realise that the narcissist will never give you closure. Accept that they will not give you closure but understand that that is their problem, not yours.
If you are still seeking closure from an absent narcissist then they still have some control over you. Once you've escaped the narcissist whether that's physically distancing yourself or emotionally withdrawing from them and rejecting their control, they ultimately respond by discarding you. Be assured that they will not give you, or their abuse of you, a second thought. Best to return that favour and not give them even a first thought.
Dr Ramani must’ve met my mom! Additionally, my mom would cover her behavior up as raving and ranting at the family is a family business that no one else should know and family members should tell no one either because it will show how bad they are to be deserve to get shouted at.
Every now and then the mask would drop and he would say things completely "out of character". He once said "nobody is ever going to love me because I'm too difficult". I think looking back putting all the bravado, bluster and BS to one side he was a scared little child with a very fragile sense of self worth. But he was also a cheat and liar and hurt me very badly.
When they are called out they have moment of being lost but then immediately turn it into a fantasy story of justification or outright denial.
Yes, no point calling them out.
They know they're wrong, but facing the reality that they aren't superior to the people they fantasize about hating, and the destruction they've done, is just too painful for them, so they just keep going "LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU CONSCIENCE LA LA LA LA" to drown it all out and keep leaning into their own malignant behavior til the guilt and shame in their own mind gets pushed back down and silenced and their fantasy world is restored.
Wow. It's devastating
Lying and cheating behind a spouse's back? Being morally bankrupt? Having no empathy? Of course they fucking know.
I cannot tell you how many times my father, the greatest narcissist of my life, bullied me to a pulp when nobody was watching. I have major PTSD because of it. The Mask of Narcissism is real and frightening. As you say, I have been a victim of narcissistic bullying (hence, the punching bag you mentioned). My father couldn't breathe without picking on me or using me as a scapegoat to vent his outrageous rage against the world. Not to play victim here, but rarely do people believe me when I tell them about the horrors of narcissistic abuse. It pains me even more when people think I'm being dramatic or too sensitive. I have even moved out country and continents away to be far away from his evil ways. It still haunts me to this very day but I'm a working progress and your videos have saved me. Please PLEASE, keep spreading the word about this invisible EVIL. So many narcs get away with it every single day and it stabs my heart. Onwards and upwards!!!
Please take care of yourself: *YOU MATTER.*
@@tundrawomansays5067 that means the world to me. Thank you very much. And you too.. take extra caution in this life.
I believe you ! It’s very frustrating because when you talk about your experiences, you just want someone that appreciates what you have gone thru. The problem is that if you have never experienced it for yourself, it absolutely is hard to believe. Narcissists are so two-faced that unless an outsider catches them with their mask down, they have trouble reconciling the nice person they know with that devil that manifests him/herself behind closed doors. Been with a N for decades 😬 but as I’ve educated myself and finally connected the dots, I was forced to go back and examine my family life growing up and came to realize my mom was a N, but not as bad as my current one. She could be making me walk on eggshells and if someone dropped by for a visit, she would instantly turn into this :”oh sweetie, would you mind getting auntie Rachel a glass of water”. It was Jekyll & Hyde. So, with all this experience, you’d think that I would be fully receptive to other people’s plight but no ! A dear friend of mine has a mom similar to mine but of course I had only ever seen her fun side, so when she would tell me about her mom’s nasty streak, it’s not that I didn’t believe her, I thought maybe she was exaggerating a bit. Fast forward 20 years, I went to see her for a month right before covid and now her mom is in a retirement home ( she’s 92 now ). My friend still takes excellent care of her mother and on one of the many outings we had with her mom, we stopped by a grocery store to quickly pick up a few things, we were out of the car less than 10 minutes and we left her by herself in a nice sunny spot ( it was a mild winter day ) because she was tired. When we came back she was raging at both of us, being really nasty and manipulative about how she was just so cold and how could we treat her like that. Well, I was shocked and later that evening I actually apologized to my friend because I probably hadn’t been as supportive as I should have, even having been raised in a similar environment. The way narcs do all their dirty work behind closed doors definitely proves they know what they are doing and that makes them plain evil.
@@Booboonancy Wow you really have known the Jekyll and hyde characters including your mom and your friend's mother. First of all, I'm sorry you have suffered so much in your life. Secondly, you can now spot a Narc a mile away. You can smell it now and see the red flags quicker, and you can make your fast exit unbeknownst to them. The sad part, there's a lot of them out there and the blessing about social media, that it will reveal to you who people REALLY are. Keep taking care of your mind and health, and stay away from those parasitic Narcissists. Proud of your evolution in this world. Thank you for your kind support. It means a lot to me.
I also left my home country to get away from my family. I am the scapegoat in a toxic family system. It is hard to be alone in a foreign country, but it is also very freeing to just be allowed to live a day without anyone telling me I'm just worthless, defective and wrong. I realize more everyday how horrifying my family is. When I receive compassion, it almost confuses me because it's so foreign. People who are not raised in toxic families as the scapegoat don't have a clue how hard it is. They can be so cruel, just gaslighting and guilt-tripping you, too, telling you that you're a bad kid or you should just be more grateful for your parents because they do the best they can. WELL, when the "best" that a parent can do is be totally abusive ALL THE TIME and equally in TOTAL DENIAL of all of the abuse, you're not doing anything wrong by leaving them in the dust. If no one else will protect you, you have to protect yourself. It can be really, really hard to find support because most people do not have any idea at all how horrifying the psychological torture of being a scapegoat can be. Reality does not exist in a toxic family. Only the narrative that whatever goes wrong, it's somehow your fault. It is deeply disturbing that any parent can treat their child the way a narcissistic parent can. EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE OKAY. And if your family makes sure you can't be okay, GET AWAY FROM THEM! You did the right thing. It can get easier over time, but the grief doesn't really go away. There is a gigantic loss from having a narcissistic parent, even if you don't leave them. It can be like a gaping wound that they dig into. The way I put it is that my mother reels me in to violently stab me in the heart. The pattern will never end. I haven't been able to totally disconnect yet because I am disabled and financially dependent, but I see very clearly that if I don't find a way to overcome how she destroys my sense of self and self-worth and find a way to become financially independent, that I will probably die by suicide just to make it stop. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get more validation!!
"You are no more than an emotional punching bag for them." OMG! I have actually used these exact words with my ex. Exactly! I've been almost two weeks no contact now. It's hard, but I keep reminding myself that what I miss is maybe 25-30% of my time with them, and the rest sucked.
Hello Wildheart,
This is exactly what’s happened to me, two weeks ago since I spoke to my ex.
You’ve described the exact way I felt , that I was an emotional punch bag.
She broke up with me on a Tuesday night, Thursday morning she’s on the phone asking how I am and if we could spending the weekend together!
Initially she said she hadn’t broke up with me, then when I pointed out what she’d said she said ok then I did!
Then proceeded to blame the menopause for clouding her judgement. I feel for her as know the menopause is terrible for some people.
My head was shot to pieces, so I said no I don’t want to spend weekend together and I’ve Not heard from her since.
I’m struggling not to contact as I keep thinking maybe I was too harsh.
After 3.5 years of these sort of incidents though I’m not sure I can cope with any more of it.
How are you coping?
Take care
Steve
I went no contact 3 weeks ago, and I'm 63. My mother, brother, and sister worked me over my whole life. I'm so happy I finally cut myself free from their BS I feel like a brand new human. Stay strong folks.
Stay strong. You will get tova point where you won’t care. Remember,
You Are Worthy Of Real Love. ❤️
Your statement is right on the money. I keep thinking why can’t you love me and treat me the way he used to??
How’s it going?
Of course they know….they lie like crazy about what they do and who they are.
Yes!!! My soon to be ex husband is a psychological liar. Even when all evidence is provided he will still sit there and lie and even lied under oath in court. Smdh
It’s come to the point where I’m mildly comforted when my mother outright lies about things because it just proves she’s the problem. It’s hard to be around them and feel crazy, but being around them and laughing at their distorted reality from afar is safe
Yep, thye do know but thrive and get a high on getting away with it. They have a warped sense of life and their entitlement.
This. After forty years of searching why my mother was so hurtful to me, this one video answers it. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to explain away her behavior, desperately trying to come up with an explanation that still makes her "good." She doesn't deserve my loyalty. She's known all along what she's done, and this video proves it. Regardless of whatever it was that made her this way (her being adopted, her finding out at five that she's adopted, etc) there is NO excuse for then going and treating your son inappropriately. It's not the adoption. It's not that she feels "abandoned" by her real mother. It's that she's a flipping NARCISSIST. I can't wait to tell my sister I've found the answer!
My mother never "loved bombed" me, she was constant in her belittling , verbally abusing, physically, and emotionally destroying me.
I caught her once, I was around 8 or 9? she had spewed out her rage all over me. I was So sad and upset, I went outside afterwards and was in the back garden, I saw her watching me from the kitchen window, she was smirking, she was so happy to see I was so upset.
She don't care, she is a scared stunted child soul, trapped in the darkness of her distorted dirty inner waters, which are filled with demons!
They will adversely to what they have done to us, they will never say sorry, she is apparently going senile now?
Dementia another excuse to manipulate the family members still u red her grip.
Or is it that As their is no light in them, and the are working on auto pilot, the computer brain is now on its last legs, and without the Light of Truth which is life they cannot function.
Like a broken down robot.
All of this is so sad.
And I don't think, for narcissists, that they only care for themselves. In actuality they have really low self esteem about themselves. They know they aren't great and are very insecure. Everything is a facade. They know they're scum, that's why they need you to believe or tell them they're great. They need acceptance, attention, and love because they're empty and can't give it to themselves nor anyone else. Rather sad and lonely life. The more reason you should protect yourself and put as much distance as possible between you and these parasitic demons. They will suck you dry!
@@malgorzatawojtys9846 Not sure where that comes from because I never said that low self esteem equated to not being able to care only about self. 🤦🏿♀️ If anything, I think a narcissist's selfishness is an act of survival. I don't think it's to their own benefit, but to their own detriment. They can never make real friends, have lasting relationships, some are promiscuous, and wreckless. How is that care? Just my opinion. 🤷🏿♀️
@@Keevus03
No, they don't truly care about themselves. They only care about what the want and how they look to others.
Let me tell you one thing. We are 10 siblings, 10. Non one of them has been abusive towards no one including their family and we all are abuser survivors. Your mother has no excuse. I hope you can heal for all of it.
It's intentional, it's conscious, and it's as predictable as the sunrise. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for helping maintain my sanity.
What popped up in my mind as well is this: Another proof they know exactly what they're doing is their efforts to isolate you. So you are left alone, no one to talk about your experiences, and no people who could possibly tell you that what you experience is not healthy and encourage you to stand up for yourself.
After or less cases of Covid, almost anyone had 2 isolate so a good profession would naturally psychologist or Psychiatric'ls
It is all deliberate
My ex-wife did exactly this.
Or worse, when they make triangulation between you and those you’re connected with
They are so two faced. To other people, even meeting people in the street so nice and in 1 min they will be a bomb in your face, name calling and speaking with very hurtful words against your person . It's so frustrating and not to forget how hurtful words get stuck in your body. While they move on after hours of devaluation like nothing has happened, swiping it under the rug as it was nothing
As a recovering narcissist, or almost one, I can confirm that I know I'm in the wrong when I act that way, but I never really understood why or how I was wrong. I was so gaslighted by my narcissistic father growing up that I learned to gaslight and lie to myself. It was miserable. I'm glad to be working to stop being toxic and being more self aware. Thanks for your videos. I only recently became able to admit to my wife of how I was abused, because I was in deep denial. I hope I can be a rare example of how a narcissistic person can change. God bless you all.
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
This is huge! I have read that it’s common people with narcissistic parents can become narcissists themselves. For my situation: my ex fiancé & his mother-both narcs. You, sir are way ahead of the game for even being aware you have some unhealthy habits. That deserves a ton of praise!
Can you help how to stop a narcissist from contacting me. He is not ready to leave me on my own and trying to get me back and destroy everything again😖
@@ViniJain you block them on your phone and your email and any other way you can. Change your number if you have to and only give it to those you trust. It’s up to you to block them from contacting you.
@@Gemmarose9012 I m doing the same but i'm getting his texts and missed calls. Its kind of exhausting as he is asking for a last chance and claiming that he'll change. 😖
I just wrote this in a reply to a comment. Narcissism is their deeply needed self defense system. If they have to take you down to keep the candy coated shell they’ve built around themselves intact they will do so.
It does not fit in my head; I can’t wrap my brain around it. I do not want to believe that anyone would, or even could, be so cruel and hurtful, purposefully, consciously, and for their own pleasure. That is the hardest part for me and makes trusting again extremely difficult. I’m trying to learn the signs and information you share with us, Dr, Ramani, in order to find the balance between being extremely cautious and still allowing for the possibility of healthy fellowship with others.
Same! I have pretty much said these exact words to my therapist. No matter how I look at it, I just can’t even come close to understanding it!
"psychological punching bag" excellent, that's how I always felt under the narcisistic abuse
Great video. I tried for years to convince myself that my ex husband didn’t know what he was doing but finally realized he only put me down or called me names when there was no one within ear shot. My son said he never once heard his dad abusing me even though he was in the next room. That’s why our family and friends don’t believe us when we start talking about the abuse. All they see is a nice guy.
My narc uncle would walk past my aunt and whisper into her ear "black c----" , and mouth other obscenities across the room to her. He was physically violent and the rest of family knew; but nobody ever called him out, even at his funeral. My aunt is a happy widow.
@@cherylwillcoxart
Congrats to your aunt.
Nobody knows what go on behind closed doors.
My ex would brag about me to others and criticize and berate me for the very thing he bragged to others about.
@Iris-Angela Jones . I admire how you stuck to your values and boycotted the funeral. Terrible they are enabled.
@@cherylwillcoxart- I'm sorry that you had to witness that as a child. Even worse is that apparently, there were NO ADULTS in the room to stop his behavior. 😘
This comes at the perfect time! Thank you! It’s incredible how much “shape shifting” they can do.
I'm sane when I just keep my distance with the narc I know. No exposure or limited exposure is my way of dealing with him
After you’ve told them time and time again that certain things they say or do hurt you, if they keep doing them it must mean that they know and just DON’T CARE: they just need their release. They use you as an emotional punching bag (a term I’ve used myself) because they know they CAN. Don’t let them, leave, life is too short!
@@davidaccorsini8767 I get the silent treatment for days if I dare speak my mind, criticise him or protest about something he’s done. For years of my life! I’m leaving him, but I have to be smart about it and very diplomatic. Wish me luck!
@@davidaccorsini8767 and to you.
They totally know. I was in total denial for ages that people can be so knowingly evil, i had thought there is an excuse maybe if they dont know what they are doing. But sadly, they do
Our doctor told us our toddler daughter had a life-altering condition. When I explained this to my mom, her only response was, "Okay, I'll stop." I remember being stunned. Not only at her admission of awareness but of her ability to take my attention away (in that moment) from focusing on my daughter, to focusing on HER. Masterful. And yes, they do know.
stop what?
@@tonoornottono Doesn't matter. Her mom said that so that her daughter would stop talking about her ill toddler and ask her the same question you did. They are attention whores.
Was she bargaining with God to save her grandchild?
@@ravenel2 what she meant was she would stop the disruptive, pot-stirring, drama creating behavior she had always engaged in. And no, she didn't stop.
@@scandia67 thank you. You got it right off the bat. You obviously have someone in your life like this.
Oh yeah.
I'm dealing face to face with a full on narc currently.
I have ceased to feel sorry or have compassion.
They know exactly what they are doing.
This is utterly horrible.
Yes intentional and with consciousness.
There is no forgiving this behaviour.
I'm literally watching this video trying to convince myself that they know to stop this rationalization. I think it's not a trauma bond for me, it's just hard to believe someone could reck your life for years and just not care.
They are selfish, warped people. A normal, healthy person just would not behave like this.
I’m sorry that happened to you
That’s a trauma bond.
Hopefully you will stop being a fool and living with your head in the clouds. Narcissism is very very real and nothing they do is good, it's an act. You know all that so it's time to stop lying to yourself, accept reality, lament the past waste and remove them. Make the change NOW. Don't be a goose.
Believe it. Don't waste any more time on hope that they'll change.
It is very disturbing and gut wrenching to wake up in the morning and realize you have been sleeping with the ENEMY for years.
"They also get exhausted at playing nice. They are not naturally empathic."
My boss to those of us left -- after a significant number of staff quit: I know I need to win your trust.
Me: 😶
*week later* defeated by narcissism and back to gaslighting, micro-managing and calling people her resources.
He gonna get himself fired if he keeps it up! Can you go to HR? I can't stand bosses like that!
I was married to an extreme narcissist for 16 years, and I can tell you from personal experience that, yes, in fact, they DO know what they are doing. My ex had experienced a anxiety-induced breakdown and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. While she was medicated and a little loopy, she grabbed my hand and told me she was soooo sorry for how she treated me. After she recovered, she "didn't remember" that conversation - conveniently. Everything the doctor is saying here is absolutely true.
Yep, I would bring up the hurtful things said as well and got the “I honestly don’t remember that.”
Are you still in that relationship?
@@kckc99 thankfully, no. I stayed in that relationship waaaaay too long, and in return, I lost everything at the end. The true tragedy was how cliché it all was.
My ex lied, manipulated, and worst of all gaslighted me more times than I can count. I was so discombobulated most of the time I would doubt myself so much. Once I caught on to his horrible behavior I stopped playing his sick games. He absolutely cannot fool me anymore and he absolutely hates me. Too bad for him.
Narc amnesia xx
I would say that they do know what they are doing, but still feel entitled to be abusive because they believe that everyone else is mean spirited as well. They seem to have a very cynical world view.
They know. They don't care. And they will gaslight you further into thinking it is all your fault. Even the cheating - they will find a way to blame you.
My ex just acts like he didn't cheat. It is all in my head.
A girl I used to be friends with is diagnosed with BPD and very likely has comorbid vulnerable narcissism. She used to look around the room to make sure no one else was there before flying into a tantrum. Then she would make sure there was no easy way for you to leave (in the middle of an activity, physically confined in an elevator, etc.) During these tantrums she would slap herself, rip out her hair and bang her head against the wall! It was insane to see. Her triggers were any time she was criticized, even for miniscule things, or anytime someone was praised and she wasn't given more praise. The only thing that would calm her down was telling her how pretty, smart, amazing etc. She was. She would demand constant attention and eggshell walking. Immediately after an episode she would act like nothing had happened und would go back to cracking jokes (literal seconds to minutes later). People felt that something was off about her though, but she still did her best to hide it. Once I realized she was purposely cornering me and trying to use me as a caretaker and as supply for compliments and attention, purposely isolating me and being super manipulative (hitting herself IN FRONT OF ME while saying "omg why can't I be as good as you?!?!?"!!!), I dipped out real quick. Truly, the only way with these people is no contact.
Crazy!!!
Although it would be fun to watch them hitting themselves!
Omg
So true!!! No contact ! The only way to be saved!
Crazy!!! I think when things like this happen in the moments you are just so confused like did this adult really just do this then days later it really starts to set in. I’m glad you went no contact because believe me when I say that was just a preview of what was to come!!
I grew up with a narcissistic and gaslighter parent. It took me until I was in my early thirties before I put my foot down. I’m still recovering, but this video was very validating.
Same
Same.
Same. I had to be successful until I let her drag me down to her level now she's abusing me now at the age of 53!! The witch is 76!! I'm only here because of my 81 year old dad she's been abusing. He's helpless and dependent the more I try to advocate for him the more she's attacking me. 😡😡
I always thought my parents knew they were being mean .... And this just validated what I thought. The first time I recognized something was off with my parents (and I was only 9 years old) is that they would scream, yell, hit me or each other but we're so polite and generous to others. Thank you for helping those of us who have struggled with narc parents for 40+ years.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I can relate and it’s exhausting. I hope you can fully love your self and are living your best life.
It’s sad I wasted the first 30 yrs. of my life on my nasty abusive “mother” before going absolute no contact. I must say the last 40 have been great ;-)
That’s awesome that you spotted the bad behavior so young. You must have been a very intelligent kid, with a strong sense of self. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until well into my 20s that my mom was the problem, and not me. I thought she was perfect, and she was mean to me because I was just a bad kid that deserved bad treatment. I’m still trying to deprogram that thinking at 30.
That was my mom. Ppl thought she was sad but in the apt complex we lived in bc she would babysit all the kids in the complex for next to nothing but she would verbally abuse her own kids and husband nonstop.
The big red flag for me was this: my narcissist friend constantly disparaged his best friend from law school and also the guy’s wife behind their backs, but he would be super nice and phony when in their presence. I despise this sort of behavior. I figured out the couple he was disparaging were much wealthier than him and he seemed jealous of this. Once i got to know the couple, i found them to be very nice people. I started to distance myself from my narcissist friend after and now we rarely speak
I never thought about it like that. And it makes PERFECT sense. They do know what they are doing.
They know exactly what they are doing. Know that, and proceed accordingly.
I tried to rationalize until I had a therapist tell me that my mother would have made the choice to abuse me. She would have known what she was doing. I always hoped that maybe she just blacked out or was out of body or whatever nonsense. When I was told that, it was painful but it was the catalyst to starting a journey to being free. I’m still on that journey 4 years later. Thanks for all you do! Happy holidays
Be strong, I'm in the same fight with you
That's because of shit taboo that " she was just doing the best she could"
They have the mistaken notion that they're entitled. And they're entitled to their privacy about it too.
At 6:35 "activate their shame" very accurate , narcs can not stand acts of competency they see it as an attack and make you pay for it with emotional abuse.That keeps their target always doubting their competency , it is an evil intentional game .
It’s so gross how they do this. I’ve actually witnessed narcissistic husbands… who I barely know, make sure others are watching as they start their “performance”. It’s sad to see what it does to the children. I’m 44 and my mom’s generation is so weird about divorce. They don’t seem to realize abuse is the greatest reason to get a divorce. Narcissists rarely change. Many from that generation are actually very judgmental about divorce. Protect yourself and your children. In my case, I suffered horribly because of my childhood and every relationship I have had has been a narcissist. It’s so much better being alone than being in that kind of abusive and toxic relationship. I seriously cannot even really imagine what it must be like to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I believe those kind of relationships are out there. God please bless and heal everyone here!❤️
I was just sitting here thinking I don’t know what’s it’s like to be in a normal healthy relationship.
I relate completely to what you expressed.
I relate completely to what you expressed.
I agree. My mom was too codependent to leave, and even after our narcissistic dad left us she never taught us about boundaries and healthy relationships. I got into abusive relationships and my sister is a narcissist herself. Sometimes I wonder if she could have been a normal, loving person if mom had left when we were little.