10 Signs of a Mother with Narcissistic Traits | Mother-Son Relationship
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- Опубліковано 26 кві 2024
- This video answers the questions: What are the signs of a mother with narcissistic traits in the context of the mother-son relationship?
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Benn, R. K. (1986). Factors Promoting Secure Attachment Relationships Between Employed Mothers and Their Sons. Child Development, 57(5), 1224. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Butler, R., & Shalit, N. R. (2008). Gender and Patterns of Concerned Responsiveness in Representations of the Mother-Daughter and Mother-Son Relationship. Child Development, 79(4), 836-851. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Schwartzman, G. (2006). The subjectivity of the mother in the mother-son relationship. Attachment, separation, and autonomy. International Forum of Psychoanalysis, 15(4), 226-232. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Moilanen, K. L. 1. klmoilanen@mail. wvu. ed., Shaw, D. S. ., & Fitzpatrick, A. (2010). Self-Regulation in Early Adolescence: Relations with Mother-Son Relationship Quality and Maternal Regulatory Support and Antagonism. Journal of Youth & Adolescence, 39(11), 1357-1367. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Lindsey, E. W., Campbell, J., MacKinnon-Lewis, C., Frabutt, J. M., & Lamb, M. E. (2002). Marital Conflict and Boy’s Peer Relationships: The Mediating Role of Mother-Son Emotional Reciprocity. Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 466-477. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Cavanagh, C. cavana81@msu. ed., & Cauffman, E. (2017). The Longitudinal Association of Relationship Quality and Reoffending Among First-Time Juvenile Offenders and Their Mothers. Journal of Youth & Adolescence, 46(7), 1533-1546. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Semple, S. J., Strathdee, S. A., Zians, J., & Patterson, T. L. (2012). Mother-son relationship as a risk factor for depressive symptoms among methamphetamine users. Journal of Substance Use, 17(1), 51-60. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Bisby, M., Kimonis, E. e. kimonis@unsw. edu. a., & Goulter, N. (2017). Low Maternal Warmth Mediates the Relationship Between Emotional Neglect and Callous-Unemotional Traits Among Male Juvenile Offenders. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 26(7), 1790-1798. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Määttä, M., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). ‘my life felt like a cage without an exit’ - narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Early Child Development and Care. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Bonan, A. F. (1963). Psychoanalytic Implications in Treating Unmarried Mother with Narcissistic Character Structures. Social Casework, 44(6), 323-329. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
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Pretty well described my mother on all points. She would criticize every choice I would make in life but when visitors were around to impress, she would bring up my interests as if she was supportive. I was a failed golden child and she hated me for it.
Yes omg, I feel with you. Really horrible you had to experience that. Stay strong!
Yupp, kinda sounded familiar to me aswell when I heard Dr. Grandes's description.
Dude that's what my mother did. Every chore or favor I did, she would critize me, or she would remark that I didn't do it sooner or I didn't "do it right." And now that I left her, she has the audosatity to sabotage my life any way she can because I refused to let her be the center of my life.
@@mathlete855 That is exactly what my mother did as she became old and bitter. Sabotage, undermine, abuse, starting arguments over nothing, attempting to cause conflicts between myself and my brother. A real evil piece of work. She was a caring and loving parent when she was younger. Pig headed control freak although publicly humble until successful at work then turned latent narcissist. My father passed away from cancer which she could not control. Nor could she control the cancer she contracted later. I was the dumping ground for her toxic abuse all while going through severe depression from a few acquaintances that also turned narcissistic and abusive. I survived without any professional help or medication whatsoever apart from becoming more informed about personality disorders via the Interweb.
ME ALSO BRO
Thank goodness "no contact" with parents is an option in a lot of cases. I've been no contact for 20+ years. Best decision I made.
More than 10 + years. Living my best life 🙏❤️
@Anarcho Frills nope. Too much has happened and she won't change. She has my brothers and sisters looking after her. My dad passed away about 25 years ago.
20 yrs NC from my entire family, and the best/healthiest decision I ever made. I have absolutely no regrets, and wish I had done it straight away after my narc mother and enabler father kicked me out as soon as I turned 16. Instead, I gave them many chances in the hope they would change. This was before the internet was widely available in the UK, and I had no clue what this 'thing' was. 10 yrs after that (yr 2000): internet now wide-spread; me now clued-up with answers; them given a generous helping of permanent NC because they couldn't stop the abuse. I was the scapegoated daughter, but their golden son also made his escape - right to the other side of the world (Australia) 25 yrs ago. These so called 'parents' lost both of their offspring, and they will die alone. Surprisingly, I have a touch of sadness for them that they got what they deserved; possibly because I have healed to the point where my anger and rumination has subsided.
@@dottiebaylen7568 I feel ashamed to tell that many parents are only 'physical' (I want to mean all the way ) , they are not psychologically present in their kids' life.
My ex doesn't see his parents at all. Our 4 year old son has never met her. It is best for all of us.
I have a narcissistic mother and it is severely damaging for basically your whole life 😕. Mentally I now am aware but the feelings and behavior takes years to change the trauma.
It's a hike with a 70 kilo bag back. It takes a long time to grow strong enough to carry all that. But with therapy, I believe you can do it. I don't think anyone who hadn't had a narc mother can comprehend the extent of damage done. But life is not fair for anyone and integrating the trauma, integrating the back bag, will lead you to be stronger than most other people.
It's a fucking a hike that you have to do.
It ruined my life. I remember horrible things from 2 yo (I am 63), yet she rattles on about her sainthood for teaching catechism and shoving religion down our throats, followed by all the men who are always chasing her. I wish she had been an antinatalist.
Yeeeeaaaaaarrrrrsss
I have been searching EVERYWHERE for a male to explain this from a son’s perspective! Thank you!!!
never get what ya need in life till you don't frickin need it anymore.
Same. Thank you for making this from a sons perspective
@@xkai7546 I am son of narcissistic mother. Now i just acting with her and waiting for right time for no contact with her
@@bravodiyemon1757 all the more power to you until you're strong enough to stand on your own and have your own preferred life and/or family. have a good life.
@@bravodiyemon1757 I am 32 male. My single narcissistic mother destroyed my life. I left my job due to high anxiety and constant nagging. I can't even go no contact because she has only me. I am already dead inside long ago.
I might have had one of the most Toxic Mothers ever. Verbally and physically abusive my entire childhood and even into adulthood. When confronting her she denies any of the hurtful things towards me never happened. She calls me and starts fights about things that happened to her 25 years ago. She is 71 years old and harbors enough resentment & hate that the energy from it could light a small town... She is now starting to have mental issues her Anger has distorted her brain much like an alcoholic with a wet brain. I am an accomplished musician and my mother has never attended anything I have done musically over the years... Just once it would have been nice to be told you're a good person you did ok... It hurts and hurts even more now because this person has withered away and wasted her entire life on being hateful her entire life... I have been embarrassed in front of countless friends over the years whether she would say something racially inappropriate or say I could never accomplish anything challenging in my life... I feel horrible, I had to detach from this person, today was the last negative venomous encounter I will have with her. I am done! Thanks for letting me vent here...
Sold her soul. The competitive who will not recognize someone else having any achievements. Abusive violent people end their empathy.
Look out for yourself! You deserve so much better than you have gotten.
Sounds just like my mother.
By this time your mom is 73 if she is still living. I had the EXACT same mother as you and I DIDN'T get away. I took care of her for 20 years till she passed away when I was 65 yrs. old -- both because of guilt and because I still actually was wanting a loving bond with her. It never happened. My life was torture. If you are still in this situation and for ANYONE else who is still interesting with a sadistic parent, please, please, please get away. No amount of therapy will work if you are still being emotionally, psychologically and physically still being battered. I was told to just get away. I didn't. I was too afraid, too dependent and had too low a self esteem to ever feel I could make it on my own. Don't be like me, please! SAVE YOURSELF! Michael
Good for you!!! From here on out, it's all about you healing from her abuse! And I wish you all the best in that journey. Blessings to you 🙏🏻
I feel like this was personally made for me.
JuneyTooLooney 216 me too, you’re not alone, things can change, we can change
Hopefully he will do a video on the son-husband.
The Dark Overlord No. I mean where the disturbed mother drives away the boy's father with her psychological problems, lies to the boy that his dad does not love him, and then uses the boy for emotional intimacy - meaning covert narcissistic abuse. The boy is ends up dependent on his mother, even as an adult, just as she planned. It destroys the boy and he does not know it is happening.
Selma P. Absolutely! I'm sorry for her son, his father, and you. Nobody deserves the kind of abuse this sort of mother can lay forth. Suggest that your husband look at the work of Dorcey Preuter. She went through it too. Was your husband able to re-connect with his dad?
Selma P. The operative terms are trauma re-enactment and intergenerational transmission of trauma.
I’m 21. I’ve came to the realization that there’s no real solution to trying to improve this relationship. Mother is entirely stuck in her ways and beliefs, which just aren’t compatible with mine
I had a flash of realization at 17 that led me to the same conclusion: that I needed sacrifice my role as her daughter to become a functioning wife and mother for my own family in the future.
Exact same situation
Same situation here. I'm 21 also
Get out and power through to the other side, however that looks. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. You will *never* be free unless you choose this, life is beautiful, don't waste your precious time on toxic stuff, no matter what.
You're very lucky to have learn this at your age.
great video...i think a mother narcissist does more damage than a narcissit father in regard to the narcissit with the boy children
Yoi said it buddy
This video reminds me of my mom its an awful relationship
@@markedwards1900 Same here.
Oh I know that I was a victim of one. Just as some men are not cut out to be fathers not every woman who has a child is a mother. I fucking still hate her and she died years ago.
Also with girls as children I think. Mother is supposed to be the ultimate empathic safety for a kid and when that's a monster instead, you are up for lizard brain cognitive dissonance level of weirdness.
As a 35 year old son with a family of his own now, this is something that I have struggled with since the beginning - and sadly it has carried over into my adulthood. Although I already knew most of what was covered in this video, it is a huge relief knowing that I am not crazy to think of my own mother as being narcissistic when all these signs are clearly evident.
That’s the point of gaslighting, too make you think you’re crazy
Gosh, nailed every single one, especially your description of how they can to drive anyone away from their child, family members, friends and girlfriends, for years I thought I was going mad until I discovered her game. Thank you so much Dr Grande.
Some of the sons in this position behave as if they have the Stockholm syndrome. To their wives/girlfreinds they make endless excuses for the outrageous conduct of their mother.
The gaslighting was incessant. I learned well how to discern reality from delusion. It took too long! Many mistakes along the way.
I learned that my mother would go behind my back and bring up negative conversation with my fiancé to sabotage the relationship. That was the moment I realized how toxic she is.
narc mothers needs control control her son's and be #1 in his life at all costs
Not even exaggerating. Every single fucking one of them, it's like he's describing my mom and the childhood I had. It's both reassuring and infuriating to know that other people have known the same struggles I lived through.
I'd like to see you address the golden child vs. the scapegoat dynamics with a narcissistic mother. My mom is a narcissist, my brother is the "golden child" and I'm the scapegoat.
Same
Same, but it took 30 years for me to figure it out, realizing my mother’s not a saint was shocking but helped
This is the video I need. I’ve always thought of my older brother, the first born as the “Golden Child”.
Same here. I was the scapegoat the second I was born a daughter and it was cemented the day my brother was born a son.
Same here
My mother treated me like this and I’m a daughter. But lots of jealous over anything.
My mother was competing with me for my partner, going as far as fantasizing to ME about what things would be like if he were HER partner. This is the difference between sons and daughters. With sons, she doesn't compete with her child, she competes with the partner.
He just described much of my childhood. I get nauseous on Mother’s Day.
This sounds like my mother.. the self-sacrifice guilt trip part.
The narcissistic mother taught the son that he should make enemies when disagreement arises with his wife? Bingo! That's the perfect and recurring scenario of my ex borderline/narcissistic mother-in-law.
-My son is playing for the national team!-she said to the rest of my family filled with pride
-No mom, I was called for a couple practice sessions and dat was it, I wasn't called back
She didn't say another word, was pissed I took her chance to gloat in front of erryond
My heart goes out to the men who had/have/still have to deal with a narc mother. You are valid, and you are not anyone's property. It's okay to embrace your emotions and show them. It's unfortunate so many people think that it's YOUR fault you have mommy issues when it clearly isn't. And it's completely understandable you might not trust women, but believe me, not all women are like this. Though you shouldn't force yourself to quit those trust issues cold turkey just because someone tells you to get over it.
I'm a woman who has to deal with and live with a narc mother, and I wouldn't wish that kind of mother on anyone, regardless of gender.
Love is not a transaction... 😢
This is very nice thank you.
Well said x
Thanks for this. It gives me hope that not all women are so ignorant about where the “neediness” of some men comes from. It gives me hope that if the girl likes me enough, we can unpack these issues without her being turned off and running for the hills.
Many thanks! Infinite gratitude!
Thanks for vids like these. I’ve noticed that all the girls I’ve dated romantically have reported me as being “needy” and traced it back to how I was raised by a narcissistic mother.
I remember the isolation experience being particularly bad because when I was younger I managed to make a few close friends but they were slowly pushed away. She kept saying I wasn’t allowed out to play football or go to parties because she wanted me in the house studying 24/7 like a good boy. As you can imagine I ended up missing a huge part of my mental/social development which has come back to haunt me in my adult years. I now struggle to maintain friendships/relationships and have become an absolute loner.
This totally applies to mother-daughter relationships as well, my mother is definitely very narcissistic and I am always striving for her approval but never achieve it/never have. Every time I give her the answer, she changes the question!!
You have a beautiful smile; continue to have a sunny disposition😊
Don't strive anymore, go at least greyrock. You actually know what is best for you.
Some seek to quench the light of those who outshine them so they can appear brighter.
Yes but there is not much on Narcissistic mother son relationships. Women are usually offered more sympathy than men as other women are more caring to each other. When men have this problem they are alone. It's not manly for him to treat his mother in the no contact way.
It’s called moving the goal post. I hope you are well!
I loved/hated my mom. She's gone now and I understand her terrible struggles more clearly, but some things she did to me cut like a knife. Deep.
When I was a child, my mother would show disgust when I emotionally reach out. It made me feel terrible for showing my emotions needs; yet she could cry, reach out, and all sorts when she needed me to see her in distress.
I grew up wtih an axious avoidance attachment style to the extreme. Now, every time she tries to pull that emotional guilt trip, I feel gross seeing her that way and I do not want to be anywhere near her. She blames me for not caring, for which I agree as feeling is now mutual.
I had a narcissistic mother. I am a grown man now and I started crying about halfway through the first one. I have been diagnosed with bpd and I have seen all of these signs.
I was diagnosed with bpd as well and yes I noticed that my mom has displayed all of these things although she probably is more on the borderline like me but narcism sort of seems to display alot of her behaviour as she has gotten some help and a diagnosis of severe anxiety and mild depression but then again it's been like that for a very long time reaches out for help then stops then reaches out again then didn't she's it's been like that for about 30years now with her before I was even born and she told me that because I still have issues she says that I'm not trying just because I'm not fully better and I've only been in and out of therapy for about 8 years now so I think that's pretty rich coming from her no it doesn't mean you're not trying this stuff often takes time she should know because she herself has actually known about her problems do over 30 years and there's still more work although I don't think that she has really tried or maybe just didn't know the proper way or didn't know all the therapy that why it much harder to get help for dual diagnosis witch is basically what both of us have like me I have things like depression anxiety bpd ptsd but I also have other problems like developmental disabilitys some mild physical health problems and some addictive like behaviour like emotional food addiction other things like that and her yes she's got alot of medical disorders depression anxiety addictions with smoking food and other things like that both of us are abuse and neglect victims so we got alot of problems to worry about and get help for
It's cptsd it gives the same picture
Thank you, Dr. Grande, I really needed this. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist who was very neglectful emotionally, critical and always presented as a "cool mom" to others. She gaslighted me quite a bit which made me feel pretty crazy and unsure of what I was feeling most of the time. I could never please her with anything. She always seemed jealous of any success I had. Most of what you said fits her well and what my struggles have been in trying to heal from her abuse. To me the 'covert" narcissist seems more damaging because their behavior isn't obvious to others. Instinctually I cut contact with her when I was a teenager and tried to reconnect in my late 30's only to find the same dynamic and abuse. It's been a long journey, but I have reached a place of radical acceptance and understanding that this is something I will always have to struggle with. Thanks again. 💗
You just described my mother directly on point. I live in another state and only have to see her once a year. I’ve been thinking about cutting her out of my life completely because she so easily triggers me but then I have enormous amount of guilt.
@@dcw4906 I definitely relate. I hope you find peace with the situation.
My mother met a lot of the signs you described. She had a very neglectful father and a self absorved mother. She was manipulative to me and everyone around her- always bad mouthing my dad everyday of my life, she would guilt trick me stating she's the only one for me and that everything she did was for me. She sacrificed anyone's happiness or benefit if it didn't somehow benefit her. She is in denial about doing anything wrong or she justfies herself. She has no current intimate relationships outside of the family members who agree with her and a man who will kiss her boots. She wanted to be beyond the family center, she wanted to be the only one for in her family that they relied upon. She would always critize me based on every action I did- calling me a bum or a mistake when I didn't obey or agree with her 100% of the time, critizing the smallest detail when I did obey her, or she out right ostracized and attacked the other people I did help who weren't under her control or benefit to her. She was constantly obsessed with her own self image and would outright hit in public if I "embarrassed her".
Looking back, part of me does hate myself for trying to appease her anyway I could. I was a little boy, chasing for motherly approval that never existed in that woman. And now I'm a young man, still trying to overcome what she did to me, to my sister, to dad, and any other family member I care about.
Very interesting. Would love to see a second video highlighting the vulnerable narcissistic mother, for contrast.
I'm fairly sure my mother shows vulnerable narcissism, and I gathered this from a number of sources, including Dr. Grande (his criteria here fit like a glove- her motives really do seem to center around shame). I second your suggestion, more especially and particularly as I really couldn't relate to the grandiose example presented here.
Yes!!!!! I have read and seen way too many vulnerable/covert narcissistic mothers who play the victim and suffering card for every little thing to get their needs met, I can't stand it. They want to be taken care of by their sons and groom them at a young age and manipulate their sons. It's awful. The mother can look so good in her son's eyes but abuse everybody else while he is completely out of touch with it. I've seen way too many marriages fall apart because of mother in laws. Codependency, emotional incest, enmeshment, mommy boy's, etc..
What also annoys me is that men think just because their mothers didn't leave them like their fathers did, that their mothers are saints. They keep their mother's on this high pedestal for not being abandoned but she treats him like shit and reminds him of that everyday. They feel guilty to love another woman because their mother is lonely and all of that sick bullshit.
I think I'm fucking fed up with mothers continually being scruitinized while abusive fathers continue their bullshit with impunity.
@@kell_checks_in lol you're so wrong
@@kell_checks_in triggered.
Both my parents are highly educated and I’m their first born, and I’m told that I was born with a learning disorder. My father was a narcissist before I was born. He should not have had children. But he did, and I have bore the brunt... My mother was not as bad but she’s a milder version of him. Can you please do a video on both parents as disapproving of their child and disappointed in him?
Wow man, I'm sorry to hear that. Remember, just because your parents suck doesn't mean you're somehow less than.
I can relate, although my situation is divided a bit differently. Mother: vulnerable narcissist. Dad: codependent enabler. Maternal grandparents (dying): narcissistic- one vulnerable, one leaning more grandiose. Paternal grandparents (dead): enablers- my uncles that are my dad's older and younger brother were also bred to be enablers to narcissistic women. The older one escaped a year ago by dying. The younger one was discarded by divorce, after over 40 years of marriage. Lots of narcissistic intergenerational abuse. I can trace this back even to my paternal great-grandmother, based on stories and a creepy portrait of her in my paternal grandparents' bedroom.
This shit hit me way too hard, man. I moved back to my hometown during the pandemic, after a few years of separating myself from my mother and creating a life of my own. Slowly we re-kindled, and everything seemed to be going alright... except I couldn't place why the fuck my mental and physical health deteriorated so badly.
Last night I was reminded. I've been bottling up some really bad stuff for these past few years and tried to open up to my mother when I was over there. She manipulated the situation and made it all about her, how she was the victim... how she had it so much worse growing up. All the classic shit. While she was fake crying I had to shake my head and chuckle. She snapped out of it about 5 seconds later and went on to the next topic. It was surreal.
Unreal, man. I feel like I've been hit with a fucking brick to the face. Not sure what the next move is. Fuck.
I'm not even past halfway, but this video has given me extra insight.
Many events in my childhood make more sense...
Sign #5 has me crying, Dr. Grande. That's exactly what she did to my brother, I haven't heard it put into words like that before. She did it with me too but it was much worse for him. He took his life last year. She doesn't care one bit, not one tear.
I'm sorry about what you are going through. It must be very hard on you. Finding a good support network is often helpful.
Thank you for your kind words. I did seek help and I'm doing very well these days. Miss my brother every day but I will honor his life by healing in mine. He didn't die in vain, his death ripped off her mask and revealed to me who she really is.
The mother will only so call "love" the son when there is something in it for her in terms of financial and public interface. Meaning it can be financially lucrative, and she'll look good in public.
Agree
Doctor, your productivity is astonishing. What do you have for breakfast? 😊
@M Z lmao
He doesn't need breakfast!!
He can have anything except kryptonite...he is SuperShrink, after all...
I think I know his secret Esther! He's eating lots of Dutch Oliebollen for breakfast 😂. That's it......lol
@@pocoeagle2 I don't think he really knows what good stuff we have here in Europe. You may send him a tiny package with Oliebollen to his university adress.😊
If I could cry anymore, I think I would watching this. It just feels so surreal having these things talked about outside my own head.
Thank you so much for this. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that my mom was narcissistic...and I do forgive her because she did her best. I loved her so much. But wow, knowing what I came from and the damage it caused is invaluable. Thank you again for a straightforward, easy-to-understand video on narc moms, Dr. Grande.
I was adopted by literally as loving parents as I can imagine. They did practically everything right. With that said, I’ve encountered many people with narcissism and with narcissistic parents - all I can say it EXCISE the tumor - cut them out of your life and never look back. All the ones you can. Focus on one thing only: loving.
I would never suggest people cut out their parents. That’s so cruel. There’s ways around a narcissist. Complete cut out is cruel. They are people too. Learn that even narcissist are who they are because of their upbringing/genetics. Have compassion, limit contact but don’t cut it off completely.
My precious nephew has totally cut off his immediate family for reasons of his own. I understand his frustration, but I miss him so much and it has been very difficult not allowed contact. I do believe limited contact is necessary for many children of narcissistic parents however, total absence is cruel.
14:41
Even reformed narcissists?!
@@Jasonmakesvideo So in other words, non-narcissists.
omg he's a genius. Everything he's said is so accurate
I've been no-contact from my nmom since late 2016. Despite this, she has periodically reached out to friends of mine to tell them I'm mentally ill and lying about her abuse. I changed my cell number and don't have my address listed because of her, but today I received some harassing text messages from her. Going to the police station tomorrow to file criminal charges and requesting a restraining order (there's so much more to it than this).
I don't understand why she can't just leave me alone.
omg, my aunt does this to my mom with texts, etc.
@@flemutter7211 Thanks for asking, here's an update: I didn't go through with the restraining order for a few reasons: 1) didn't want to provide her narcissistic supply, 2) she stopped the bullshit for a bit, 3) I was in a good place mentally, and didn't want to potentially compromise it by having to engage her. However, within the last three months she was able to find out my Reddit username and on two occasions has created a fake profile to make shitty comments. Also, six weeks ago I got a text from my college girlfriend from more than a decade ago. Apparently my nmom tried contacting her and it freaked my ex out (I'm still friends with her, and she's well aware of how awful my nmom is).
I can't just not do anything now; she's not going to stop until I, at the very least, get a restraining order. I'm waiting until after the holiday season but 100% plan on pursuing this come January. Have spoken with a few friends who are lawyers/police officers and they've all said the same: what she's doing is considered a crime and falls under what they call "menacing by stalking."
It's really pathetic, the more I think about it. No person has ever been as obsessed with me as my own mother, and not for any good reasons.
My parents aren't outright narcissists, but I do notice several traits to certain degrees in these lists. One that they have (and I'm not sure was mentioned), was not admitting to any wrongdoing or making any mistakes.
When you look hard for flaws you’re sure to find them! Everyone is flawed. That includes you and I.
So true.
It sucks to grow with such people
Better have them committed then....
This last remark says it all. Narcissistic mothers - and narcissistic parents in general - make you out to be the enemy, the transgressor, the traitor. The one who leaves their familial cult structure. Their smearing campaigns, backstabbing and gossip proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt. They cannot just "live and let live", they have to go ahead with harangues and triangulation.
My mother made my wedding day the most depressing time of my life. After being married and saving for years to finally move my wife and 2 babies into a new home, she proceeded to make this time an incredibly stressful one. I will never get back what should've been two momentous, joyous occasions in life.
Maybe renew your vows on your own again
at some point
Omg my husband and I are driving 🚗 and listening..... I brought this one up and my husband is reacting. His mother was such a narc. Same for me. There is no wonder why we have moved 3000 miles away.
Thank you Dr. Grande! I am currently going through this very situation, only, I am the "daughter-in-law". My boyfriend has an extremely narcissistic mother who has been abusive towards him all his life. We've been together 4 years now, and when I first met her, she seemed very kind (perhaps, a bit too much, but I did not pay too much attention to that back then ...) and seemed reassured by the fact that I was - and am - a very calm, quiet person (only now I realize she probably thought I would have allowed her to gain power over me in the same way she has always done with her son).
The fact that I am reserved, calm, and a no-nonsense person, however, doesn't mean at all that I'm going to let her do whatever she pleases with my life. This year, she probably realized this, and since then she has been trying to turn my life into a living hell. She started creating scenarios where my boyfrien was forced to make a choice between me and her, has repeatedly told him that I'm not good enought for him and that he should leave me, and (I know this from a person that I trust) she told her husband that things would be better if I were dead.
This happened a few weeks after I gifted my boyfriend a ring (it was not an engagement ring - even though he's been asking me to marry him for the past 3 years and we are determined to in the future - just a symbol of my love for him and of the fact that I want him to know that I'm always with him and supporting him, even though at the moment we live in different cities). When she learned about that, she went mad and started being even more petty that she was before.
At first, I did not know what to think. I am lucky to come from a very loving family and I have a great relationship with both of my parents, so this whole scenario was so absurd to me at first ... Now, I think I'm starting to understand how her mind works, but it's so sick and it hurts so much nonetheless. Knowing that sombody would be happy to see me dead - when I did nothing to her - it's rather difficult to accept. My boyfriend always tells me that he admires my strenght of character, and the fact that I stand for what I believe is right - still, I don't know how to solve this problem. I know he wants to stay with me and I trust him when he says this to me, but I think he lacks the courage to set boundaries, or doesn't know how to do it ... I would love to learn more about this kind of dynamic
Was in a similar situation, however, at the 4 years mark we broke up, mostly because of his mother and her parenting style which clearly affected him deeply. Devastating. How did it turn out for you? It’s been a year since you commented
Hope and pray you and your boyfriend are still together. ......
OMG! READ my comment . It is similair to yours.
Oh, my god... I've been waiting for this one. You're talking directly to me today, Doctor; and totally not in a schizophrenic way.
Brent.. I wondered if you developed any narcissistic traits from your mother? I know a person that I believe did. Just wondered how common that could be. Dr. Grande what are your thoughts on this?
@@patriciahoover279 - Unequivocally, yes. I developed the entire suite of behaviors, to an even more effective - and consequently destructive - degree. Fortunately, I experienced a loss so great at 30 that it shook the foundation of that personality and it set me on the path to recovery. Though things had to get even worse, continuing to slide down the slope for another year or so, before they started getting better. It has taken a long time to rediscover my genuine personality. The process is still ongoing, and I am 41 now.
There is always a way to crawl back from that dark and terrible place, but the person has to want it badly enough to commit to the effort to climb and climb and climb. My mother does not want to be a better person. She is still a malignant narcissist and I have had to cut off all contact.
props to Dr Grande understanding the depth and complexity of the damage narcissism can have on people
I come from an overly enmeshed family in the Far East, son to a narcissistic mother. I found it utterly suffocating at how well she managed her social façade, whilst Confucian society never really gave me an opportunity to vent my anguish. I am so glad I live in the West now.
My parents were so masterful at presenting a flawless front, my friends couldn't believe it when I told them the truth.
There is plenty of narcissism here too, and it’s often celebrated.
Gotta keep up that face, also Chinese here with narc mother
@@ruthie8785 probably the biggest, best narcissism in the history of the world😂😂😂
Very good. Id be interested in hearing more about the covert narcissistic mother type. One who keeps the rage and anger hidden from the father, just saves it for the children when the father is not at home, etc.. But there was allot of familiar points in here. The idea of separating the kids from other family, or potential friends that may visit the house. I do agree on the idea of keeping distance without being totally cut off. I moved to another country years ago and call my mother every few months. No one call or visits me of course. Is fully expected now. But i think to save your soul a bit. Keeping a certain connection is a good idea. Otherwise you can get destroyed by the memories, and the inner battle to make sense of it all.
Thank you for this video.. I’m wondering if you will do one for daughters of narcissistic mothers.. my best friend’s mother is unbelievably abusive to her.. she has been all her life, but now my friend is 63 and her mom is still very verbally abusive. I think your video might help my friend deal with her horrible mom. I know you’ve helped me so much in dealing with the narc in my life. Thank you for all the work you put into these videos. They are very much appreciated.
That ending was like a mic drop. Loved it. The lack of object constancy (or whole object relations?) is a dangerous, terrible trait to have even for those not diagnosed with the disorder.
Thank Dr. Grande. That was 90% my Mom! I used to call her wvery Sunday. But ever since the disastrous Thanksgiving just this past year, with all her political argument provocations, constant criticisms, shouting at me for doing the thing she asked me to do, and completely being a different person in public, I've not called her since, except for Christmas and New Year's. Also, I will not visit her again until after Inauguration Day 2021, as the current political climate and our differences in politics seem to be sore for her.
Such a good view I also share a lot..
TRUMP 2020
Really wanna go no contact. Just keep the love at a distance. Everything you said was spot on
Did you ever go no contact?
Thank you, this helps. It's almost reassuring to hear that it's "acceptable" that I cut out most contact w/mom. I never respond to her messages when she's being manipulative; rather, I wait until she tries again in a more acceptable manner. The sad part is, my siblings & I almost never talk (a result of decades of "policing" each other for her).
Yup, this covers my husband's relationship with his covert narc mother, and my brother's relationship with my narc mother.
I love the construct/permission that choosing not to be in relationship is not = to being an enemy. Not only do narcissistic parents frame relationships this way for their kids, but when kids are young, they are quite black-and-white, and before abstract thinking capacity kicks in, this is how the world looks, so it's an easy sell....
Also, I and others (clients, friends, family) have frequently had acceptable results with narcissists (in a variety of relationships) by cutting off contact contingent on specific behavior, then actually sticking to the limit, even if it seems rude or absurd. (For example, we will be at grandma's together for Thanksgiving as long as there is no verbal abuse -- defined as xyz... if it begins, you walk out the door and try again -- next year!)
Depending on the person's depth of disturbance, you both may be able to move forward with some elements of the relationship intact (for instance, being civil in the same room at family occasions, or exchanging holiday greetings or financial/health information....). Practically speaking, this outcome often proves worth the effort of navigating a challenging relationship over the years, when completely disentangling isn't a very realistic or desirable option. Life is long (usually 😏)....
Wow! Everything!
I saw #6 a lot in my life but it was exclusively with me and not with my brother. He was allowed to learn guitar (which is a solo hobby) but when I was learning drums she made me quit and join boy scouts where she signed up to be a scout leader. I hated baseball but had to play because her friends children would play and she would hang out with them during games. It was like I was a cat's paw for her to get whatever she wanted. I also felt and still feel like my childhood was stolen but I"m not bitter about it anymore, I just learned to live with it.
I'd say the consequences for me are that it made me question my own judgement a lot and it really made me a boring person because in my other relationships I was more of a pleaser and did what made other people happy. I would say my personality didn't really develop until my mid 20's which is kind of cool to be that old and realize you can pick up any hobby you want and really become any person you want.
I had to read books and actually pay money to go to seminars to develop my social skills because I was so weird and emotionally stunted, but I feel like the fact that I was held back so much also didn't allow me to get lazy and understand that I have to develop myself if I want to see any changes in my life. Now I"m the only one in my pretty large family with a college degree and I have 2, I've lived on 3 separate continents, and I'm a relatively happy person.
@Yan Ling Ян Линг Hahahaha none taken, she's not as bad as some people so I'm grateful for that. My best friend in HS mother was a drug addict and we think also a prostitute so it could be worse.
@@brusselsprout5851 Thank you, Judy
This is exactly my ex mother in law. I spent 5 years with her son who had major addiction issues , I always knew something went wrong in his childhood, as he became an addict at age 15. He does not see it as both him and his mother are true narcs. This is good info . thank you !! It clears up a lot of my questions.
You got most things correct. My childhood was robbed! I developed big problems with intamacy. She went out of her way to destroy my relationships. Bang on with emotional neglect Dr Grande. I became an empathic person in a big way. I show my emotions and can read others well. Because I had to read her highly volatile persona.
Dr. Grande - I want to let you know, this particular video was the most important 13 minutes I've ever spent in my life. I couldnt believe what I was hearing.
Because of you and this video, I realized for the first time ....that I was a toxically abused child for decades, by a grandiose narcissistic mother, with (likely) full blown NPD.
(Her father was vulnerable narcissist, I now know...)
(I didn't know it was abuse because of the gaslighting as a child, and the toxic trauma bonds that gained strength over the years - they blinded me.)
This is where I got my Peter Pan syndrome from (Puer Aeternus - Jung) and now I finally have answers.
I'm now moving on with my life at 51 possibly settling down and having children for the first time - because of you sir.
"Only takes a short period of time to do a lifetime of damage..." You said it. The healing continues with help.
Thank you Dr. G. Thank you. Thank you. Wish me luck.
Matt
Great video! I can relate to almost everything you shared. It’s terribly draining to feel as though you have “no good reason” for feeling the enormous backup of emotions that one is left with. The kicker is that no one has a clue what you’re holding back let alone why because everything seems peachy hahaha. Best foot forward while your heart feels so silenced that you might just float out of existence.
I was raised by 2 very controlling parents who kept from going off on my own. They always wanted me with them, very manipulative, telling me "we do everything for!" Saying children need to obey parents it's in the Bible! Which has led to not having much friends, very,depressed, sad, very low self-esteem and self worth!!! All my life I have had to watch other people live life to the fullest, ,😭😭😭😭😭😭 some days I wonder why I even wake up? If I'm not the man I wanted to be in life why am I alive? I could go on and on about my parents but it brings to much pain 😢😢😢😭😭😭😭 so I will end here.
Someone told me not to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. That’s should also go for your parents. Life is short. Don’t keep paying for decisions your parents made. It’s not your fault.
Pack your bags and go! Anywhere! They will survive, believe me!😇⛷
Bit hard but run away and work on yourself in a bit positive environment. Alone if need be.
Every single point is accurate. My mom was ruthless, I thought she acted like this because she had menopause. But now that I reflect on my childhood, she was and is a perfect narcissist. I'm 27 and living with parents. It's getting wayyy too difficult to tolerate her tantrums as she's getting old. 😤
Thank you so much for addressing this.!!!..much love 💙
Wise and enlightening as always.
So glad I have a great bond with all my son's there is no feeling like it in the WORLD!
Good for you (and for them).
Thank you. Very thorough and sensitive to all involved in such a relationship.
I didn’t ask to be born and I don’t owe anyone anything for the sacrifices they made. I can be thankful without owing you and being indebted and having to be a constant servant.
You blew this one out of the water! Great job and thank you
Very interesting. Thank you for your nice presentations, I can hear every word (old ears). It took me 58 years to realized that my father was a narcissist. It was a sad eye opener to realize that he wasn't who we all told ourselves he was, and neither were we.
Dr. Grande, great video as usual 👍🏻
My mother is a narcissist. I can do nothing but agree.
It is however worth speculating bit on the final recommendation to the sons. This is a great recommendation that surprisingly were not obvious for me. BUT for a narcisist separating is being enemy - and you cannot do anything about it. For the narcisist it's an ultimate statement that he/she's worthless and it hurts them so that they can kill you for the act of separation. So, it's worth keeping this in mind when going no-contact
that is so true and to the point thanks a lot Dr. Grande
Almost everything matches for me. Now I understand all of this better. Thank you again.
Very enlightening. Please do more on this topic.
My mother definitely uses the guilt trip to me so many times. I’ve tried to do everything for her but it’s no use because it’s just gets thrown in my face. I don’t show any emotions to her anymore and just keep to myself which I know is a bad thing. But very good video I really enjoyed listening to this because I can relate to multiple scenarios.
I am having to fade away from a relationship with my NPD mom. I discovered this video as well as Dr Ramani last year and ever since then, I've realized a ton of things in my life as to how I was affected by it all. I also have to work on myself to try and salvage me. Too much for me to get into with all this but I am eternally grateful for this clip and others as well. I think the only "success" I will have with this issue outside of my *self* is to break off ties, which I am perfectly fine with Thanks, Dr. Grande.
I am just discovering this year I’m a survivor of a Narcissistic mother along with a couple other family members. I’m learning to manage and protect myself after over 40+ years of abuse/bs. Dr. Grande, when you mentioned the grandmother often has issues as well…..you hit the nail on it’s head. You confirmed what I thought could have been the start for my mother and her childhood abuse. My grandmother was also narcissistic. Thankfully, I can see the forest for the trees and live a better like unlike my family members. I have traits I’ve learned but I am definitely not a Narc. I appreciate and enjoy your explanations, insight, and manner in which you explain narcissism. Thank You!
This has been absolutely incredible to take in. I’m about to pick up a phone and book some counselling with a practitioner. Thank you so much.
DEAD ON! OMG your explanation is giving me chills! Thank you Dr. Grande. I can't thank you enough.
It’s heartbreaking to see such a scenario( in fact all such parent children relationships are) . Thank you Doc for enlightening us all on this very important topic.!!
Wow.. I am in awe at how many of these points you’ve listed that I can relate to. In some sense, it brings me strength in understanding the complexities of my relationship with my mother. Thank you for taking your time to share such valuable information. I hope you understand just how much you are helping people by making this content.
Protecting yourself.... Thank you!!!!
Loved this one. I would like to see one highlighting a vulnerable narcissist mom-son relationship. Thanks.
That sounds kinda like emotional incest. 😵😵😵. Can you do a video on emotional incest?
I agree.
I second this
Exactly the term that came to my mind....
Yes please!
Yup.
This was amazing thank you
Good work again Dr. G
Thank you for making this, it really does bring me catharsis to be able to relate so much to what you describe in the video and I would appreciate it for you to go further in depth on the subject should you chose to do so.
Hi Dr grande, I've experienced a very similar dynamic concerning my partner and his mum. The control she had on him extended on to me and our lives. 'Control by proxy'. I've noticed that almost everything she ever did was always indirect...and extremely sneaky/camouflaged. Some examples are as follows: she'd impose/invite herself, for 7yrs, to every birthday if mine. Every mothers day, every birthday of my partner, every birthday of our 2 kids, public holiday etc. She never asked, always manipulated her son into allowing her to impose her visits. An example of this; she'd begin talking to him on Skype advance, and as the birthday gets closer, she casually ask him what she can get us for our birthday or just the day before, she'd bake a cake and show it to him on the Skype, then suggest which time they; 'her and her husband' would arrive. She'd see and know that I'm uncomfortable and unhappy but pushes it further by insisting to sing happy birthday. My partner thinks she's nice to come there with a baked cake etc... but reality was; she was enjoying my pain and discomfort, (schadenfreude). She wore her smirk continuously! She enjoyed the power and control she had on him as well as the control by proxy! Today, nearly 3yrs no contact. One would never see her coming as she was very charming. Her abuse was directed to only me and my kids (behind closed doors). She had no respect for any of our boundaries esp, concerning the children. She actually made extra efforts to do exactly what we asked her not to do... E.g; pls don't encourage our 2yr old to play with your cat or to play with hazardous toys, her puts everything in his mouth and her could choke on the toys or get germs etc. She nodded in agreement yet, within 10 seconds, I walked up on her rigorously and aggressively rubbing my toddler's both hands on the cat! I was in disbelief that I could bring myself to speak! (Gaslighted).Even as I saw her, she immediately had that smirk and didn't stop. For educational purpose, I want to learn all that I can about these types... could I have been dealing with a malignant narcissist, psychopath or sociopath? I'm continuously educating myself... we should never stop learning.
That's why I'm glad we Never got around to having kids. That would've been the jewels in the crown for controlling.
What did you learn?
First of all thank you for this awesome video Todd! My mother is really toxic and narcissistic and I have had struggles with that since I was little. She laid hands on me, when she was angry and desperate. Currently, I'm 19 years old and the biggest reason I watch this video is, that I want to be in a relationship with a girl. I have always had problems in not so much approaching girls or talking to them, but rather engaging in a relationship or making moves. In general I find it hard to build an emotional connection to humans or to relate to their feelings while they are speaking for example. This is part of how of my mothers narcissism impacts me. During Corona isolation I have gotten depressed, because my mind is just reminding me of bad events, that happened throughout my life, I don't know why it does that, but it is getting me really sad and my weed consumption is probably an indication for that. Now I want to start working on my mental health and don't let my mind control me negatively. Funny thing is I'm actually a really open person. My friends are often addressing the fact why I'm always greeting people in my school hallway and they are finding it really impressive and funny. Regarding issues with my mother of course, I'm not going to say it is all her fault, because it really is not all coming from her I have to start from scratch, by that I mean my mind and I'm trying to understand everything about it. My dream is to one day become the greatest version of myself a truly confident, self-loving masculine man!
PS: Sorry for my bad grammar I'm Austrian :D
PPS: 8:10 I didn't even know this sentence existed, but this is exactly how my mother bonds to me
Have similar experience. You feel so weird and awkward in social settings. With over the top unrequired pleasantry
Thanks you for all the work you do, this is truly helpful information. Thank you for educating us about these topics
Dr. Grande, Thank you for another very important video. I think we can all benefit from this. I see that you listed several types of fascinating and related references as well. Thank you.
And Happy New Year!
Thank you so much for doing again a great video Dr. Grande.
I'm going to watch this video several times, that's for sure 😃🇳🇱
My mom definitely doesn't have NPD, but definitely has some narcissistic traits. My relationships with guys (my buddies) is pretty much fine. But I'm so codependent with women it's hard to date them; I'm too clingy / needy and it's a put off. Never got validation in childhood.
Feel ya ..
One of the few people who have given any attention to the mother-son aspect of this situation.
Thank you sir.
Excellent video and very informative. I will check your channel for info on the vulnerable Narcissist.
This is the most thorough explanation of my childhood. My Single mom raised me as a boy. Demeaned everything. So it’s already all the societal pressures of listen to your mom, religious aspects… “honor thy mother”. But at some point in my youth I realized my mother who had a stressful childhood was taking all the frustrations in her life out on me. It was extreme bullying. I can do whatever I want to you, and you can’t do anything back to me. And you’re “not a man” type belittling and beating from my mother. I was the punching bag For all things she went through. The only goal was to get out of there. The family would always accept her behavior and hush it but as the subordinate in that relationship I resented it. I felt like I had gotten out of an 18 year marriage! And it turned me away from women and the minute any time a woman nagged me, it was ptsd. You’re trying to get me back in that prison of a house I grew up in… mentality. I joined the Marines to escape the physical, psychological and emotional damage I received. I found comfort in the brotherhood and the uplifting spirits of men doing positive things from all different backgrounds. This is my situation and I just would normally keep it to myself but this gave me peace to listen to this video. At 18, I was open to sexual freedom I hadn’t had before and bonding It also affected my sexuality too. walking out of that life long parent marriage of a raising, I found more comfort with male mentors. Women cause me stress. I had loving cousins aunts and grandmothers but I still resent someone having that much control over me and using it for evil intentions, the scars from my childhood are that deep. I’m told you can’t blame or cross your parenting with your sexuality but I think it’s not so solid. The cut from a matriarchal society out of anger and rage/to the nurturing of a patriarchal society which most would never look at it like that… but to me men were the calmer and more nurturing branch for me. Attachment and attraction went hand in hand. This is my perspective of how I am where I am. I’m more likely to listen to an objective man than a woman because of deep levels of containment has me with no desire to ever feel trapped like that again.
You should speak to a professional, women like this literally create killers. My mum was a witch at times, but only through therapy could I heal the wounds and process the anger etc
I AM SHOCKED!!! Although I knew a lot already about my mother and all the problems that resulted out of her behavior (in fact it influenced/damaged every aspect of my life) but you put it in such words that I could not help but start crying ... !
I stopped the contact to her twenty years ago (being 49 years old) although I tried having contact to her again twice only to see and feel how much she/it hurts me and makes me sad/angry/depressed for weeks again!
This made so much sense to me. Thank you so much for this video. Ms. Venus in Dallas, Texas
Thanks for this video. Was everything i needed to hear and help me understand my partner.
We now have very strong boundaries and are able to be a happy unit again. Thank you
Never one video confirmed so much in my life :D Thank you Dr. Grande you are a legend to me :D All the best!
Favorite this video cause my mother had a perfect score! I had to cut ties years ago, today at 30 I've only just begun to start to recover and grow for myself. Still hurts but I see the light! Chin up guys and girls out there going through it. I wish there was a way to understand this growing up
Just about to watch, thanks Doc!
Spot on. Thank you, Dr. Grande.