13 signs of a Narcissistic Mother and how to deal with this | A Psychologist perspective
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- Опубліковано 11 тра 2024
- Ever wondered if your mother's behaviour aligns with narcissistic traits? Dr. Becky Spelman provides invaluable insights, drawing from her extensive expertise in psychology and psychotherapy. Gain a better understanding of the signs, patterns, and effects of narcissistic parenting, and learn how to navigate the complex dynamics involved.
Dive deep into the intricate world of narcissistic mothers with renowned psychologist, Dr. Becky Spelman. In this eye-opening discussion, Dr. Spelman sheds light on the subtle yet profound impact that narcissistic mothers can have on their children's lives.
Dr. Spelman offers practical tips and coping strategies for those who may be dealing with a narcissistic mother, helping you navigate the challenges and reclaim control over your own narrative. Whether you're personally affected or simply seeking knowledge on this prevalent issue, this conversation is a must-watch.
About Dr. Becky Spelman:
Dr. Becky Spelman is a leading psychologist and therapist with years of experience in the field. Specializing in issues related to family dynamics, she brings a wealth of knowledge to this crucial discussion on narcissistic mothers.
🕒 Timestamps:
00:00:00 - Introduction and Deep Dive into Maternal Narcissism
00:07:12 - Effects of Maternal Narcissism on the Children
00:15:29 - Understanding the route of manipulative behaviour
00:21:39 - Use of Guilt as a Manipulative Tactic
00:28:47 - Jealousy and Insecurity: A Narcissistic Mother's Struggle
00:33:49 - Gaslighting and Emotional Volatility
00:39:24 - Coping Strategies and Boundary Issues
00:43:57 - Responding to Victim Mentality
00:48:54 - The Lasting Impact of Narcissistic Criticism
00:53:21 - Understanding and Overcoming Enmeshment
00:59:45 - The Toll on Emotional Wellbeing
📚 For more expert advice and psychological insights, subscribe to Dr. Becky Spelman's channel and stay tuned for future discussions on navigating the complexities of human relationships.
🔗 Connect with Dr. Becky Spelman:
Subscribe to the channel: bit.ly/2N7kVT8
For further help with this topic you can contact us here:
info@theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/
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LINKEDIN: / rebeccaspelman
I made it 13 minutes and 19 seconds into your video. I'm past caring about my mother's trauma in her life and what might of led up to her being a complete covert narcissist. I hope your video helps those that still can have a relationship with their mothers. But dear ones who are reading my comment, if your mother sees you as narcissistic supply and feels glee each and every time she has hurt you, manipulated the people in your life to your detriment, then your mother really is too harmful to you to spend your time in angst trying to understand her behavior. I was in that mode several years ago and it was the most stressing time for me. My freedom came when I woke up and realized that I had to break that very toxic, unloving, deceiving, unhealthy connection to my mother. Her intentions in my life were never good. Her intentions were to destroy me in every way possible. The moment that I severed that unhealthy connection is the moment that I could start the very long road to finding myself. God bless those that find help here. My focus is on healing and even though I understand that my mother is damaged and immature emotionally, I have no desire to understand her thinking, motivations, her damaged heart. I understand that she's damaged but to make her life's mission to damage me and control my life in every way possible is unforgiveable. I spend as little time as possible contemplating all the vile things that she has done. I have only written this comment to help those that may be where I was several years ago. If you're in complete disarray trying to figure out your mother and all her antics, you may be the narcissistic supply that is driving her life. Consider freeing yourself from that dynamic. God bless.
Thank you. I am 62 I'm the oldest of 5 & devoted my entire life to seeking the love and approval of both parents... Through there addictions and emotional abuse they have created so much emotional distress and trauma. I have always forgiven her for her lies and slander and destroying my bonding with my siblings. The focus now is totally on myself to heal. I have chronic pain , fibromyalgia and a rare form of crippling arthritis. This video explains a lot about why the narcist is hurting and reasons why they abuse because they are hurting and have trauma history and they are unhealed. This doesn't take away from the damage they do to the scapegoat, target or victim. Yes, this is there shit and most project there resentment onto the scapegoat and they use there children in Soo many ways to get there needs met. My siblings and myself suffer greatly with mental health issues and physical health issues , addictions, low self worth , coedependency etc. As a child of a Narcistic mother it's affected every area of my life. Physically, emotionally , spiritually etc. I'm tired of meeting all her needs when she never met mine or my siblings. She had no love As survivors we have done nothing wrong we deserved love and respect and guidance.... Not envy , jealousy, rage, hatred , abuse etc etc.She knew exactly what she was doing .... The abuse was always to serve her needs and tear down her children s self worth and not knowing who to trust and having to parent yourself and learning healthy boundaries, and learning to love myself and respect myself and grieve over the loss of not having a loving mother or parents. The triangulation, hatred , gossip, lies , jealousy , her trauma should never ever be directed towards her children. I'm done with her!! No child should be treated abusively. It leaves scars and a lifetime of the victim having to heal. Thank God for my therapist. She's helped me see the truth and I'm still coming out of denial to accept that my mother hated me. And to be happy with my own life .... Without her .For she was never there for me.
Thank you for sharing your story! I spent MANY years in therapy just trying to deal with the damage my mother did to try to undo me! Finally, she died, and I still have nightmares that seem so real, like her ghost is still haunting me! I have become much stronger just having to grow up with a mother like her! I hope you the best!❤
Amen. That around age 12 you gain awareness. They know what is right and wrong.
You are sooo accurate!!!! It took me many years, a lot of trauma , loss of self-worth, and trying to make sense of myself before I understood what she was. I had to unlearn many things to heal. I cannot have a relationship with her anymore.
Sorry to hear this and thanks for sharing your story.
I am not here to learn about her- she made me feel guilty all my life because her pain?
Adults like my mother who had brains, money, opportunities, a loving enabler mother who did everything for her and cover and took care of any problem allowed my mother to stay an entitled teenager for the rest of her life and we, her five children had to take care of her shame and inadequacies for ever.
Why we have to carry her pain, and insecurities?
I am here to learn new tools to break the cycle, so the next generation in the family is free.
…by the way, your CEO whatever made me uncomfortable, I could feel a narcissistic therapist giving advice…😢 really?
My mom is pretty high in narcissistic traits, and is particularly good at gaslighting and triangulation. Until just recently no one talked about her behavior because it would lead to attacking within the family. Finally someone confirmed what I’ve been seeing my entire life and I broke down because I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy.
This touched my heart which I badly needed. I was frozen in there. Thanks for triggering that pain to come up for me to feel. Feeling is healing. I've been an expert blocker of reality. I've been attending online meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families so I was open and ready to receive the truth. Thank you!
That’s great for her. What about how she ruined our lives?
exactly. this is what we came for.
We have to work through all the feelings (anger, rage, resentment) that come up as they arise and they will keep coming until you reach the deep hurt inside and release that. That will make you free.
Do people feel better when their Narc mother died? Cos I feel like that’s the only thing that’ll heal me ? I can’t excuse her behaviour because she treats me different to my brother . She knows what she’s doing .
I'm soooo fed up with taking perspective of my mother, haven't done anything else all my life. Vast majority of the criminals have had a traumatic life, but they are judged and punished anyway. A victim needs clarity to tidy up the mess in her/his head.
Although I value the compassionate route here. This is too close to narcissistic sympathizing that keeps victims in abusive environments.
Boundaries have to be rigid with narcissistic parents, you can't be wishy washy or sensitive to their needs because of their traumatic past. This is not safe advice for many narcissistic victims.
Exactly! And it feeds the illusion of having a good relationship with a narcissist.
I can't express how much I resonate with the content of this video ! I've researched and watched many resources on "diificult" mother-daughter relationships, Your accuracy and expertize are unmatched !! I appreciate the nuanced examples and detailed explanations of behaviors, it helped me relate on a deeper level. For years, I've been on a quest to find effective strategies and approaches to navigate the relationship with my mother. Finding a sense of balance between self-preservation and my feelings of responsibility and guilt has been a constant struggle. This video gave me insights what I do wrong, what I should continue doing.Thank you for sharing such invaluable content ❤
I’m so glad you found the video useful.
I think you should frame this as "If you're going to deal with a Narcissist this is what to do" because otherwise it feels like you've made a 1 hour video on excusing their behavior to some people as you can see in the comments to the point where "it's not their fault" like they have no choice in the matter when they do. They know right from wrong and are able to choose not to go to therapy. It is also important for victims of Narcissists to be able to give a name to their problem and in-fact empowers people to seek recovery. It wasn't until I knew who my Mom was that I was able to start healing. I also think it's good Narcissism is a buzz word because we are in an epidemic of it seen through research (See: Prof. Sam Vaknin) and I can think of no time before now where Psychology was being taken seriously by the masses and to stop it would only reverse progress.
I'm 21, and I've finally decided to move out and rent because my mum's the sorce of the majority of my mental anguish. It has taken a long time to see her for who she is. I'm going to begin my own journey soon, and I'm terrified and feel guilty. I love my mum, but I now need to do what is right for me, I'm lucky to have an experienced friend to help guide me through this.
This video has got to be the most helpful video here on UA-cam. You discussed everything so accurately, for example wehre you mention one minute they're fine, you think they're normal the next minute yelling, screaming, cursing and you're left wondering what just happened. Over what??Thanks for making this
Thanks so much, I’m so glad you found the video helpful, I wasn’t sure if an hour video would be too long to put out but so glad people are finding it useful.
@@dr.beckyspelman not at all. It was well worth listening to it. I am thankful that with every case you explained the cause and effect and how to handle it.
It made A LOT of sense.
The question i am left with is now what 🙃… how do i handle the situation. Etc. draw a boundry and literally leave the house/area to avoid conflict. Bc staying indoors doesnt help. And i am a GROWN adult. Just now learning about this
I appreciate your compassionate approach to this topic
So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis and need care as an adult who is sick
My mother is a narc lol 😆 join the club 🤣
Sorry to hear this
@dr.beckyspelman thank you Becky my mother is also showing early signs of dementia which combined with narcissist traits makes her a real doozy you should do a topic for a video on mothers 👩 with dementia it's a terrible problem to have as I am an only child and have no one else to help me with her
@@nickthompson9485I hope you’re looking after yourself ❤
Thank you chocolate 🍫 sugar I appreciate you my mom has dementia as well so I'm just living the dream lol
I also am wellbeing if that is what is going on with my mother since she’s been worse in her older years. I would love a video on this!
I can’t stand to be around my mother. I feel guilty and try to think of her as a person who happened to give me birth. It doesn’t seem rational the extent that she disturbs me. She is not verbally abusive but so self absorbed and always bringing attention to herself, attention she manufactures.
Yes yes yes this exactly. Ditto
Everyone has the option to change and work through their crap and be better or at least try-I did. My mother over 80 and still dishes out the snarky criticism, lies, triangulation with other family members etc.
Queen Bee Syndrome. Everything runs smoothly if she is the center of attention but as soon as anything enters her sphere that diverts attention from her, she starts to act immaturely to redirect the focus on her. This will include unimaginable cruelty to her spouse including excluding him from everything including family meals, special occasions and even being permitted to be in the same room with her and the rest of the family. She lacks humor and any ability to self-examine. She lies constantly to support her gaslighting. Anyone who challenges her is attacked and the people who are fearfully compliant are used as objects of triangulation against the person who challenges her. She often says out loud that as the woman of the house she is the most important member of the family and should be treated with unquestioned respect and care regardless of how irrational her demands. Her spouse has repelled increasingly over the years of verbal, physical, psychological and financial abuse and neglect. She is getting worse with age and she has become an alcoholic.
Many abusive husband's have also had traumatic childhoods. There's is no excuse for abusing others.
Painful and so accurate.
Thank you, i’m glad my video resonated but I’m sorry that’s the case, thanks for watching.
Excellent video thank u for making it
Awesome talk.
I just want to say thank you! You were clear and to the point... You gave pure knowledge!
Now I understend so much better my mother..
Universe blessed you!✨
Thanks so much, I’m glad you found the video useful.
I just love your perspective on this subject i can totally relate to every scenario you are talking about great job lad always appreciate your kind and thoughtful wisdom keep up the great work you are helping so many people to heal 👍
Thank you, I’m glad you liked the video.
@dr.beckyspelman what college did you study at you are a very intelligent and interesting person I like your style and vibe you are so nice and kind it's rare to meet someone like you for real
How long have you lived in London for now 🤔 what cities do you like to visit when you visit the US have you ever been to the west coast where are you from originally
really really good. I wish you the best of luck with your practice and online activities. Excellent and with a kindness.
Oh thank you, that’s very nice of you to say.
Thank you. This was 👏
Thanks so much, really appreciate you watching it. Wasn’t sure how my audience would respond to such a long video 😊🙏
Hi Doctor Spelman!
Very interesting topic! Thank you very much!
Thanks out of interest did you watch the whole video or just some of it?
I'm still watching it 🙂
@@nicolas_-_-_ thank you so much. That means so much to me that you watch my content 😊🙏
My goal is to watch the whole video 🙂
Talking about this topic is a very good idea. Thanks again!
Very helpful
My Mother makes Mommy dearest look like Mrs. Brady! She was so incredibly cruel to me growing up. She had fits of rage and told me almost every day she should have aborted me like " they " told her. She would say it should have been you who died not your sister! My Grandparents moved in with us and had to raise me. I'm forever grateful they had. They were wonderful. Nevertheless, my Mother remarried, and had two sons with my step Father. He was abusive physically to me. I ended up leaving home at 15 and got married at 16. I'm still married 30 years later to my husband. But my God the baggage I had coming into my marriage. My Mother is now aging. I have had to put her in a Nursing home. I go up there everyday, I launder her clothes, make sure she has her snacks and her room is decorated nicely and clean. She is still self centered and criticizing. She still looks at me with contempt and disgust. But I have forgiven her. I have established my boundaries. I limit my time with her. If it wasn't for my Faith I don't think I would be able to continue to see her. But I know she had to have gone through something that made her this way. I don't believe we are born bad, bc we are made in God's image. I think our environment, circumstances, poverty, not being educated and abuse all contribute to who we become. We grew up poor. But just bc she had those things happen to her didn't give her the right to continue the abuse with me and my brothers. I stopped the cycle of abuse with me. I have a wonderful son who is married and I have my first grandchild now. I'm going to live my life taking care of my family as I always have. See, I have had to work on my trauma so I could learn to heal so I didn't bleed on those who didn't hurt me! I hope anyone who is going through this finds peace in Jesus bc he helped me so much, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and support from friends and family. 🙏🏼❤️
Once she ruins your life she takes her mask off and smiles. Then you realize you were tricked, abused, used, and manipulated your whole life into thinking you didn't deserve to be treated better by anyone. Narc mothers belong in hell as far as im concerned
Agreed.
Great topic ! Actually I’m struggling with my Mam at the moment (tho she wouldn’t realise this). Could you do a topic on Mother jealous of daughter ? Thank you for everything - I love your channel. 🇮🇪💕
Hi Irish fairy, I always remember you because you are also Irish. Thanks for watching again yes actually I spoke more about this in more detail on this video and then I edited it out in order to make the video more balanced for males. I might be able to release the clips that got edited out as a short video so you can see my extended thoughts on this. I’m sorry that you are struggling with your mother and it’s sad that she doesn’t realise, sending positive wishes in your direction.
@@dr.beckyspelman That would be fantastic. I’d be so interested to know your extended thoughts on that subject! I started watching your channel early on and subscribed because you are Irish, however - I stayed for the content and insight you provide . Particularly how you take very complex topics and make them easily understood. Again Thank you. Appreciate what you do. 🇮🇪✨💕
Does it occur in people who have had smoke blown up the preverbal during their childhood as well? My mother was much younger only girl in the family.
That couch 🛋 you are on looks so comfortable i bet it is very cozy to take an afternoon nap on those pillows look devine as well you sure have great taste in your decor
Haha thank you it is a very cozy sofa.
That couch 🛋 of yours is the perfect resting spot for a good 20 minute power nap atleast 😴 lol I always feel guilty taking naps but a good nap really does do the trick to recharge the batteries sometimes doesn't it 😴 take care becky
What do I say to someone like this? I need help with my mom’s issues and don’t have insurance to get the help I need.
I wondwr if Adhd and Autism can mimic any issues with mood regualtion, distractions, not respecting privacy or acting odd?
So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis
Sometimes I feel like I can only be truly happy if she’s happy. Me being happy on my own, with my own achievements, doesn’t seem to make her happy. She’ll be a little flat and refocus attention back to her and her woes.
Note: A psychologist instructed by a solicitor under The Childrens Act to undertake a psychological assessment on a mother, will rarely diagnose the mother as a narcissist, regardless if she has scored high in the assessment. Narcissism is in a Family Court setting, really only reserved to the father, regardless if he has scored under the required threshold for a personality disorder.
That’s probably true, but psychologists should be very careful before diagnosing anyone with NPD
Not accurate. My ex has high narcissistic traits. These were evidenced through proceedings. Whilst therapy was ordered, the issue of diagnosis was avoided.
Thanks, great video. Info and examples. You mention therapy but I ask where? Now that all therapist create a permanant digital file based on their human professional opinion with bias and unawareness that diagnosis can prevent and harm jobs. In applications now mental health questionaires. This is why I would never go to a therapist even though I would like too over this issue.
Having a difficult time with my own mother at the moment and then this just pops up. I don’t think she is a narcissist? But there is some issues regarding loss of my sister or her daughter in the family.
Sorry to hear this, yes she’s probably not a narcissist as most people don’t fill the full criteria for narcissistic personally disorder (NPD), and we all have narcissistic traits, they are just higher in some people that others. Thanks for commenting on my video.
@@dr.beckyspelman you seem like a nice lady. I can’t quite work you out though. I have been trying but still mystery about you
Proverbs 31:10 (NKJV)
Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.
Hi 🙋♂️
Hi 👋
I made it 13" second " "🥈
You can asign a label. So they know
😬
What about having a narcissistic daughter?
Thanks for your comment. It comes from their trauma.
I'm still confused
Really? How so?
Watched 20mins and back again ! This is so.difficult to watch. I shouldn't listen to this while trying to sleep. I find myself getting annoyed
this whole video is invalidating to the children of these mothers-
I disagree with some points .
Just because of someone had a bad childhood, a child cannot be evil when grown into an adult
I have seen many good people who had very bad childhood
These people are just cursed devils in human form.
That's all.
May be they had childhood abuse because they are cursed from the begning
Hi thanks for your comment, sorry for any misunderstanding i definitely didn’t say a child was evil.
A child can very well be evil once grown from a difficult child hood.
Children who were abused or molested sometimes continue the cycle. That's where generational curses come from.
And there are evil children. Some kids murder their families because you unplug their xbox.
The world isn't black and white.
Healthy adult children have an expiration date on blaming their flawed parents for all of their woes! We reach a certain age where we begin to love and appreciate our parents rather than criticize and hate! WE begin to stop diagnosing them and begin to get into therapy and deal w the adult choices we make that we earlier blamed our parents for
So...... I get the empathy part but why minimize the harm parents do to their kid?
Seems like something a narc parent would expect.
There are people who never realize they were being controlled and played by their parents until they escape that control when the parent passes. Only when they escape do they realize being constantly put down and kept in a state of confusion and uncomfortable isn’t normal. Like I am just realizing this at 41. I guess I should just appreciate the decades of abuse because I am too old now ?!?
@ambrosialea But not getting into therapy and working on healing is not doing you any good! I come from s dysfunctional home and I know 1st hand NONE of it was my fault. What is my fault is if I don't do the inner work daily to unlearn these toxic traits drilled into me from parents that were dealing w their trauma. When you know better, you do better and you focus on breaking cycles in your own home/ new family
@jlovesj3335 Never minimized it. I come from a messed up family. But I made a lot of poor choices by mirroring unconsciously what my disordered parents did because until we do the inner work.. that's what we do. We also like to continually blame them. It takes all the accountability of any mistake/ bad choices we are making now. Get a good therapist. Study Narcissm. We all have some traits. We pass these dwn.. it's often generational
@@user-wk7fg6ip3g I was going to therapy before just deciding to go contact. That helped give me confidence to leave. The thing is that the abuse didn’t end when I was a kid. I am 41. She spent the entire visit Saturday trying to crush my self esteem (scripted dialog, probably 70 instances of gaslighting) and take control of my life. By the end of the visit, I was in a corner crying. (But they were spending time with my kids which they hardly do any more to punish me so I didn’t want to leave.) She indicated that the only way she will stop the cruelty is if I divorce my husband of 11 years (3 kids) because my role was to never get married and I betrayed her when I did. Only when I got home and away from her that I realized “What was that?”. But my Dad and sister are still tightly in her circle, they are puppets as she pulls the strings…
So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis and need care as an adult who is sick