@@kellykittinger5969 exactly. It is such a wrong way to enable abuse by giving excuses. Yes he didn't deserve the childhood he had, but to have this as an excuse to further abuse your children, that's just plain wrong. Grown ups are able to grow and learn new things and be better than their own parents were. Subconsciously we may carry our parents parenting systems to our children. But it's our CHOICE to see and recognise them and change. If a father doesn't take responsibility.. He is still a boy.. In grown ups body. 😏😔
It's not though. There's no implication of blame there at all. And because it *is* a thing, we have to call it something. You only think it's condescending because . . . well, because you have Daddy issues. 🤷♂
@@nodiggity9472 no, that's not true. "Daddy issues" has been used in our culture to make fun of (predominantly) women for having issue due to a poor father role. The word "Daddy" is already infantilizing and condescending. It could be called "Father issues", implying the issue is infantile in nature. It also implies SHE has issues with her father and not that the father has failed in his parental role. It has strong implications in todays culture. OP is right
@@badcookie5755 "Making fun of"? Look, when you have an issue due to a poor father role, calling it a "Daddy issue" isn't condescending at all. It's descriptive. As for the implication that "SHE has issues with her father", that's not an implication, its a given. If someone is said to have "Daddy issues", they have issues with their father. If we were looking at the father, we might say he had boundary issues or some shit. But we're not. Also, a father doesn't have to have failed in his parental role for his children to have issues with him. Basically what you're saying, is "I don't have 'Daddy issues', I have issues with my father's lack of positive parental input" Well, that's Daddy issues. If you don't like the word "Daddy", don't use it. If you do . . . . jump up on my knee, and tell Daddy all about it.
@@nodiggity9472 No wonder you see no issue with the term when youre blinded by misogyny. I'm impressed you typed that last part out without an ounce of self awareness. Just say you're a deadbeat and go
Sounds like my dad in a nutshell. Can make you feel like the most special person in the world when he’s happy with you. On the other hand, can completely tear you down in the blink of an eye when you don’t live your life like he wants.
My father’s lens to a person’s moral and ethical values is based soley on the amount material posessions one owns, or lack there of. He is offended by anyone who can’t see that. Over time, I became the scapegoat because I refused to play along. Hindsight is 20/20.
yes I believe you- our Dad and one bro;; they give the withering Glance-ridicule my weight-take a TONE of superiority; both insufferable toxic "" men""".
He’s not just embarrassed, he’s destroyed, so he destroyed me, I literally became suicidal. It’s been eight years, I still try to recover, but thankful to learn the truth from the video. Thanks!!
Unfortunately it's really hard to tell if it's pride or when they want you to succeed for your sake, and because they love you, and they want you to have what they never did. And they feel it's their role as a parent to help you. This is usually the parent who grew up poor or otherwise unable to be what they wanted to be. If the father is already successful, it may just be a point of pride. But they still may be genuinely concerned about you. I'm not trying to discount your perception. There are definitely as many types of people as there are people. Just trying to give my experience, which may be totally different than yours.
I idolized my dad as a child and it’s only now as an adult that I realized how uninvolved and emotionally disconnected he was from me throughout my entire childhood. My rose-colored glasses are broken. 😥
Reminds me of my ex. He’s a vile narcissist but anyone who knows him only on the surface thinks he’s the most charming man ever. He’s SO polite and respectful to everyone. Then we’d go home and he’d talk down to me, make me feel like crap for everything, be crude & vulgar. Completely split personality in public. So gross.
My father has cause me so much terror, emotionally and mentally, yet he keeps pretending he's innocent (in fact, people outside my home thinks he's the "world's best dad" lmao) , never takes the blame for anything, and acts oblivious to the damage his actions has on my life and health.
My dad is the same way. Gaslighting me my entire life has given me emotional issues. These videos definitely help understand our issues. Keep your head up ♥️
I can relate also. My south Asian dad was always very emotionally unavailable to me and my sister all due to things not going his way after coming to the United States and always putting all the blame on my mom’s family for being a bad influence but also not really thinking how much unnecessary stress/anxiety it’s causing to that person that will also be raising his children. Everything seemed to always come down to him and his needs being met first just because he was the bread winner and assumed that’s all is needed to raise a family without much emotional bonding or getting involved in spending much time together with family. My dad and my mom had both lacked good/ open communication with each other. My mom lacked the ability to stand up for herself and made up for it through people pleasing and also not being able to stray away from being codependent to my dad. My dad cannot apologize/acknowledge for the wrong he did as a parent but just expects his kids to just move on from it overnight and get healed by itself.
@@jaky411 my dad will not acknowledge or apologize either. I am 42 and he is now 71. He refuses to make an effort in our relationship but then complains to family and the few friends he has about how I never contact him and that its my job to contact him. It never ends. It is great for you to see and acknowledge what you expressed in your post so you can avoid another relationship like that 😀 keep you head up and clear ♥️ i spent far too long using alcohol to deal with my issues stemming from my dad. Don't do the same!
I really identify with this. My dad always did everything for me, but always to live the way he wants. He was always full of anger and I’ve never had space to share my feelings. Always a lot of pressure to follow an academic career. Now a days, I have no idea what my real goals are, I struggle to open up in relationships and I feel like everyone hates me because of the mistakes I make. I never feel good enough.
I didn't realize how narcissistic my father was until I was a grown woman. It explains a lot of things but especially his sole focus on himself, everything funneled back to him, whether or not it was intended. He took EVERYTHING personally. If I didn't think exactly like he did it was an affront to him, a disrespect. As I got older, it was obvious to him that I had thoughts and opinions different from his, he would get angry and say "who put those thoughts in your head!"...like I was incapable of forming my own ideas with the information around me. He was also extremely vain and needed constant ego stroking that he was handsome and looked young for his age...to the point that when I mentioned I visited a friend (as an adult), his first question was "what does she think of me, what did she say about me?" I just looked at him and said "We actually didn't talk about you at all" He was floored...how could that be? Of course he would be brought up in conversation! Here's an example of when I was younger, like 6 or 7...I would be watching cartoons and he would come home from work and announce "I'm HOME!" and if I didn't IMMEDIATELY get up and run to him, he would start with "Oh, I guess I'm not important anymore, working hard all day to put food on the table at a job I hate, just for YOU! You don't love me anymore!" And then I would have to spend however long convincing him I still loved him....I knew the way he was acting was not right, but didn't know what it was. After years of it, I came to understand why my mother drank.
Same I feel like that now as a grown woman. He doesnt care if I get married, never asked me how I am, and never said 'I love you'. Never took me out shopping or out to eat.....Only calls his male friends but never me when I was at university or never celebrated me when I got a new job ... he definitely won't be walking me down the aisle!!!
Wow. I am just absolutely shocked at how your experience mirrors mine. I had to immediately run and say hello "properly" otherwise I'd be in big trouble (lots of yelling and abusive behavior). The same went for friends. If they didn't go say hello, I'd get a talking to after they left. He also constantly takes EVERYTHING personally and finds some angle of feeling offended by something I say or do and CONSTANTLY needs reassurance that he looks young for his age.
You described my dad word for word. And I also didn’t realise this till this year when I got into a huge fight with him. When he’s angry, he really reveals that side of him that he has gotten really good at concealing from others. And it messed me up a bit, especially when I didn’t have awareness because one minute he’s really supportive and loving and then the next all these toxic traits come up. It was confusing for me.
My step father was also this way and always needed that constant ego validation that every woman naturally wanted him and couldn’t resist him. Either by him talking about himself on just how good looking he was and how he always had an abundance of “female company” just dying to be around him when he was in high school and then the navy durning his single days before my mother, or he would make comments about either MY friends or my brothers girlfriends discreetly making eyes or comments or advances towards him (which is disturbing and disgusting at the same time and the sole reason I didn’t have many friends come over to my house because he made us all uncomfortable) or it’s females he works with complimenting him and making it obvious they “want” him because they compliment how he smells the best or how nice looking he is or what a good man he is and how lucky my mother is to be his wife and they would love the chance to have him to themselves, while he “jokes” and transparently delights and takes some kind of twisted pride in talking about how BAD women want him and is always followed by the response of “but I’m happily married to your mama and I’m not going anywhere”.. Like he would always try to make my mom feel jealous or something. Low key always felt like he was trying to generate some type of reaction from me when he would go on and on about other females or make what he calls “jokes” about asking if my friends are “sluts” and then laughing. Completely disgusting behavior.
When he would finally drop us off at our mom's place after a week-end at his place, he would observe my sister and I's behavior, and he felt like we untied the seat belts too quickly for his taste, he would complain that we couldnt wait to be done with him! So we had to slowly untie the seat belts the next time, with a disinterested look on our faces. How much time was wasted on protecting his fragile self esteem, at the cost of our own
They are so good up to a certain age when you blindly adore them. But once you start to succeed or question their status it can have the opposite effect. You can be put down reminded you are not better and he is the one, the one who knows everything . Your successes are nothing special. Pointing out flaws in the mother is so true.
After I started to question my father and his motivations for treating me terribly, he distanced me from my sister and of his side of the family. My sister got angry at me for not respecting our dear, perfect father who always got treated so terribly by me.
It's also interesting to see how there's an over-involvement of the narcissistic father when it comes to the child being successful, and yet an extreme under-involvement when it comes to emotional connection and emotional development between the father and the daughter. Thanks again for a very informative video (as always).
So true mine was on our daughters case academically but ignored her emotionaly she got involved with boys and sex quite early. She created such fear in her that whenever she did do well in her exams she would panic at his reaction. Funny enough he hasnt cared about how the boys performed, have three 19, 15, 10. But the girl has strived to be free of him now am noticing him pay attention to the 10 yr old whose personality is like that of the girl and he is his spitting image.
Yeah, my mom found me only useful if I could help her do things or entertain her. My dad just did things for me so that he’d get praise from others. Neither had an emotional discussion or hugged me growing up. No wonder, even as an older woman now, I have little to no self esteem. Ugh!
My sister did that. She would post pics I took of her daughter, mostly of what I sent her, to make it seem like she was this dotimg mother. She also posted pics and other posts about us, coming off as thus loving and supportive sister but in real life we're not close and even when we lived together she never celebrated me as she posted online.
Ally you’re talking about my mother in law - has barely anything to do with our kid but posts pictures from the birthday party as though she’s grandma if the year. Also at the birthday party went around telling everyone how she’s grandmas girl. Never missed a moment to laugh obnoxiously loud, make noise with a kazoo, pop a balloon “by accident” or any other way to draw the attention to MIL and away from the one year old who’s party it was.
My son’s narc father loves to post “fake happy” pictures of him and his daughter. That’s what I admired about him “involved father” it’s all a lie. He wants nothing to do with our son.
My narc father always tags me in posts when we're having lunch together like "spending time with my favorite person." But then sits on his phone and ignores me the whole time.
Thank you so much for this video. 22 years of abuse and trauma and I’m finally breaking off everything with my dad. I’ve always felt an enormous amount of hate towards him. Yet, he always claims he is the victim. He has always been jealous of my mom because I had a better relationship with her. I didn’t know so many other people dealt with this
My situation to the T. If I described it more, you will be grossed out. Constant death threats to me and my mother(is afraid of dogs), threatening to ruin my career at any job I do, send me to jail after hitting my forehead on the wall. All this when I fought back. His delusional authority and power was hit. Can't do house chores, have never cared for anyone besides himself and money. I'm just waiting for the right time to hit the hornet's nest. Cut all connections.
Neither did I. There seems to be so much written about Narc mothers and their sons but hardly ANYTHING written about fathers and daughters. This is the only info I ever need - thank you Dr Todd - you have confirmed that it’s not just in my head. EVERY SINGLE items is true.
And after all this trauma.. the daughter chooses partners resembling her father... I have tried everything but I can't break this pattern. His shadow is going to chase me to my grave..
I had this issue and I’m still working on it. One pattern was that I kept meeting men that did not have time for me and would breadcrumb me. I learned about attachment styles and reprogramming the subconscious mind. I realized I have to change the stories I tell myself. I started saying over and over that men want to give me their time and prioritize me. I am valuable and worthy. I am first choice. I kept saying these things over to try to reprogram my subconscious. I met a guy right after that invested his time in me and would drive an hour to see me several times a week. I see this as progress and hope that I can reprogram all my childhood wounds.
No, you can break out of it. I did, it's possible, don't let your father take the life away from you, he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve anything from you other than pity.
Wow 😳 i will not cry .. but this damn be the same story what I face!!😭😭😤 My father is a narcissistic plus he has mental illness like schizophrenia. Now at the age of 29, I struggle to meet a good guy because the only men that I attract are men who are narcissist or has mental illness... I don’t know how to break this.. Why do we attract the same men as our father? While we deserve a good men, I only attract the bad.
@@Puuws What I also don’t find fair is that women who got good childhood and a supportive father marries good guys. I dunno it this is my opinion or a real perspective. And women who had a hard life and sad problematic childhood with no father, attracts bad men. Am I wrong? No right..
I might add an 8th one: being jealous of the child's achievements, even if they contributed to these achievements in the first place and even if the child never really cared and was rather forced to go for it. This jealousy can be channelled into emotional blackmailing such as "if it wasn't for me you'd be nothing". In this way the narcissistic parent has an outlet for resentment and can keep the child from seeking independence.
Yes! And they must always be the 1st in everything you do. Dad taught me to 1st ride a bike, take me on an airplane, open a bank account, drive a car, get a cellphone, etc. I was called, a "Better wife than my mother ever was", and he would constantly sabotage and/or compete with my boyfriends.
@@mamabear-9.18.18 same experience...mine would sabotage anything that he didn't feel was accredited to him adequately just to point out what a failure I am! (Still does)
Expose yourself to good and empathic people, interactions and relationships to make yourself accustomed to healthy relationships And find inner self esteem and self love so you wouldn’t need external validation You Were Born Free, Discover This Freedom 😉, peace and love 💜
same! i always thought there must be a side of my dad that i need to get to. what kind of unhealthy dynamic is that, where a child knows their dad so little (he was always an enigma) because the dad neglects the child emotionally, and now the child thinks they must earn that side of their dad
Like others have mentioned, my NPD father was my hero until I was in my early 30s and I began to see him for who he was. The manipulation and bullying was unreal. Sending out love and healing to other survivors of narcissistic abuse. ♥️
I'm glad you're aware now. Sadly, my 2 adult kids are still under my ex narc's spell, and so much damage has been done to our relationship, I think it will be too late if/ when they ever wake up. These demons spread their evil ways through generations.
One of my dad's favorite activities when I was growing up, and even now, was trying to bond with me by tearing down my mom. For a man who tried to amplify his intelligence whenever possible, it wasn't the brightest move. Even though my mom had her own issues, I was much much closer to her growing up (mostly because she didn't fly into a rage and abuse everyone like he did) and never fed into this need for him to pull me into putting her down.
This describes both of my parents. They were only interested in how they looked as parents to the rest of the world, not if they really tried to be good parents.
We would go to church EVERY Sunday as a family. The ride in the car to church was constant yelling screaming insults but as soon as we pulled into church parking lot and opened the car doors we were the perfect family until church was over and we got back into the car and the car door closed then came the screaming yelling insults.
I already started crying the moment you said that while in that situation at the time, the daughter of the narcissist may actually think he is good. Just resonates so much. My father made himself my whole world - I wasn't allowed to disagree with him, have my own thoughts, I was parentified to the point of worrying about him constantly, was put on a pedestal only for him to seem to delight in devaluing me as he seemed to have extreme envy towards most people. To love someone that much at such a young age and be manipulated in that way just feels impossible to heal still. It's so hard to have a life now as I just don't understand how to have a functioning relationship. I wish this curse did not exist. If parents realise something is seriously wrong with the person they are coparenting with they need to take strong decisive action and get them away from that person.
Hi amelie, this is your sock puppet account :) remember me? It was so much fun chatting on that other channel. I have been wondering what happened to your posts on that video, but it hasn't been the same without you :).
Being a co parent with a narcissist is pure evil hell. Story too long to tell. Every situation different. Practice empathy for all that lived within a narcissist abusive relationship. They all get damaged and it takes years to recover.
Joni absolutely right ! Recognize get some good counseling , and learn the true act of Love ... Love for yourself and your fellow humans sharing many of these expieriances , it’s easy to get wrapped up in self pity , and that’s not healthy either but you can overcome . Love is needed though not hate ❣️❣️❣️
L. Rachel sorry to hear. I know how it feels. It’s deep but don’t give up on yourself and your future. It’s possible to receive freedom from these wounds. I used to think that I am not lovable and that it was all my fault and I was a failure because my father didn’t love me the right way. But it is a one big lie ! Only because someone didn’t know how to love you doesn’t mean you are not lovable. You are not a problem.. your father was a problem. Hugs 😘
That's my father in a nutshell. He knew when I was really small that I was smarter than him. He tore that down because it threatened how he feels about himself. He is unbelievably selfish. What's worse is my mother trying to convince me that this is love.
This video described my dad so well. Was never there for me emotionally but felt like he was dad of the year bc he was there for me financially. In my childhood years I’ve always felt what he did was out of love but now that I’m older it just all hits me. Like I’m so messed up because of him. My anxiety is unbearable, I have attachment issues. Ppl on the outside thinks he’s the best parent in the world but in reality he’s not.
Sounds like my soon to be ex husband with our daughters. It's so painful. As a wife I'm a victim too... He talks about me so bad and confuses my babies but God is an awesome God and Satan WILL NOT WIN❤
My father called himself the bank. Everything was business. I met him in his office for checks. Zero emotional connection. Financial control coded in “It’s for your good, or it’s for your protection, or you need ME.” Needing me meaning he needs to dominate you and he needs the narc supply. Everything is with strings and false loyalty expectations to him-or the “family.”
“When you seek to make something perfect, you often end up destroying it.” It’s like I’m my dad’s canvas and he kept fucking with it trying to get it right and inevitably trashed the piece because perfection is IMPOSSIBLE.
My daughter would be saying this now if her father had not died when she was seven...but she does not know it...she believes he is the only.person whomhas truly loved her in her life and she has had two husbands and three chi.dren..no one will ever love her like Daddy did. So sad for.those who ,DO.really love her...she doesnt realize the first time she didnt do what he wanted her to do he would have shelved all that attention.
My father did almost everything Dr Grande said, but I never believed my dad loved me. I felt suffocated and humiliated while living with him. In my country, the norm back in the day was to remain living with your parents until getting married... but I couldn’t wait so one day I secretly escaped and never looked back
Same. How do people become like this? My grandfather was a loving man. Everyone admired him. He treated everyone with respect (was a non toxic person). But my father, oh my god the most salty NPD bastard I've ever seen.
@@sierrachief117 Everyone who (thought they) knew my father said what a delightful man he was. Is there the tiniest possibility that your grandfather had the same effect on the rest of the world?
@@sierrachief117 Same. My grandad had the heart of a buddha. Genuinely kind and good person. I often wondered how my father came from him. I came to the conclusion that it may have to do with neglect? My grandparents were never really around to raise their 4 kids, always working and volunteering.
@@TheFawnbradfield Yes, parents need not to be direct abusive, many are subtile neglectful. P.S. And grandchildren have another relationsship to their grandparents than the parents have.
My father all 7 points. “If you love me, you will sacrifice your life for me.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 When I didn’t comply, from the age of around 15 years old... well, just total disregard and by the age of 19, total, total abandonment. Hectic. Thank you so much for this video.
My father told me that if I wasn't actively trying to commit suicide, I didn't have any problems, and was faking when I cried - turns out I have migraines and other chronic pain ...
i think the most frustrating thing about my dad being perceived as a “perfect dad” outside of my house is all my friends tell me that i’m overreacting when i talk abt how much trauma he’s caused me, they think i’m ungrateful because i have “the best dad” and he could never do anything to mentally hurt me
Omg I can relate so much. Most of my friends say “why are you always so negative about your dad? I think he’s a good guy”, or that I am over exaggerating, or that I am ungrateful. People almost always take his side and never listen to mine.
I rebuke that. You will heal and find peace, abundance and love in every place you are--- starting within. I love you because I do. You've been hurt into destitution as they want you to praise them unnaturally. You are always loved and regardless, you will prevail.
@@zloimorfei9930 I know this sounds harsh but our friends are not necessarily the best people to talk about it with especially if they have only seen that one side of your father please be kind to yourself loving to yourself accepting of yourself and loving to those who are good to you and that you care about and helpful to others who need your help just saying
My dad was so controlling. I don't know why, he didn't even like me. He wanted a boy so he called me a boy's name my entire life. Anything he did for me was to make himself look good. I wasn't allowed my own interests,career, relationships... nothing. You nailed it right on the head. Years of therapy and no one explained it like you did. Thank you🙏
The same. He wanted a boy and my mother felt as a failure by not giving him much wanted boy, do she became his enabler and often initiator of abuse. Many, far too many years of physical violence and psychological abuse followed by both of them. Freakishly, I tried making them look better in front of others. I made other people believe that I drove them crazy, as if it was all my fault. In reality, I was a no problem child and teen. I did very well at school, never brought any scandals home or anything that would tarnish their reputation. But, I felt terribly embarrassed to have such mean and aggressive parents. I wanted to be from a “nice family” as all of my friends were, so I continued covering up their abusive behavior. It was awful. Now that I have my own life, I shiver thinking back in what dangerous situations I was with the two of them. I am certain that if one of them killed me (easily with a hard kick or strike), or if I killed myself, they would feel absolutely nothing and would find the way to convince the world that I deserved it somehow. There were truly hairy situations. It was terrible. I think lots of people knew what I was going through, but nobody helped me. Gosh, the onlookers just stayed onlookers, apart from the two or three occasions where few real heroes jumped in my defense. Later in life, my father became extremely upset and probably jealous that I made life quite successful without him/them. His rages never ceased, there was always one or the other reason. He was deeply unhappy if I was happy. Strange. I still can’t figure out narcissism.
This was my relationship with my dad. When I was small I seemed to have more value to him although he could still be quite cruel and abusive at times. As I grew into a young woman, he regarded me with less and less value. I could do nothing right no matter how hard I tried. He devalued or ignored his other children as well, choosing the youngest daughter as his “golden child” as she went into the same line of work as him and gave him two grandsons he can manipulate and mold as well. The rest of us have essentially been discarded.
This was a really good video. I've been looking for a decent one on this topic for a while. So, thank you! Sometimes, once the child has moved out of the narcissistic parent's household (as an adult), they will quickly realize how screwed up the family dynamics were. Once you are exposed to healthy family dynamics on a regular basis, the narcissistic behavior sticks out like a sore thumb. It also blows my mind how the non-narcissistic parent is often abused and yet blamed for all the narcissist's mistakes and abuse. The whole behavior disgusts me and always will.
So true! I never realised how incredibly dysfunctional and abusive my own family was until I got the hell out and met people with *healthy* families! My (now completely estranged) father is a malignant narcissist, and I was the eldest daughter/classic scapegoat of the family. Neither my mum or I could do anything right, while my sister got away with murder. We've all escaped him since then, and my sister is the only one who still even sees him, but she won't trust him with her children. I must agree, I feel such disgust and repulsion for the narcissistic attitude!
neuralmute I don’t wish Malignant Narcissistic family dynamics on anyone 😬 It often makes for a brutal, loveless environment riddled with rivalries and abuse.
@@NarcissisticAbuseRehab Oh, it was! Decades later, my mum and I are still dealing with CPTSD. I find it impossible to trust men, which is actually more okay than it might be, since I've always been pretty queer, but the lack of self-esteem has been crippling. Add on a fairly recent diagnosis on the Autistic Spectrum that explains all the odd traits that I was abused for in the first place... It's hard not to live filled with regret and resentment, and try to keep moving forward instead. But I'm working on it. ;)
neuralmute I’m very moved by your story. I think you and your mother are incredibly brave 💐 I’m happy you had each other in what was probably a psychological war zone. The torture a malignant narcissistic parent inflicts on their scapegoat child and hostage spouse should be criminalized.
Exactly! I've said for awhile that it's impossible for my father to be "proud" of more that one of us at a time...for many years he'd play that emotional pride-of-place against my sister and I...and revel in the competition that we battled with each other for what we saw as "affection"...leaving the other as the disappointment, failure, ungrateful, and expectant "bad" child. I saw him doing this with my own children when they were younger and had to have a serious discussion with both of them to prepare them for his games...explaining that he has mental issues that they need to be aware of. How sad is that?!
“You perceive things differently.” “You have something wrong with your mind.” “Your perception of reality is not normal.” “You perceive things that aren’t there.” (My Narc dad)
My Dad was mean. He always tried and still tries to say I'm crazy. Sometimes he actually says that. Or he ignored us girls. We all have a lot of issues. Drugs, ending up with sociopaths, not on purpose obviously but, yeah. Not allowed to have ANY boundaries. Physical violence at times. The part that hurt me the most was how he always invalidated most of the things I tried to say. Never felt safe to be myself.
The penny just dropped!!! Thankyou SO MUCH, you have explained my experience PERFECTLY. "Adored today, forgotten tomorrow." I was certainly that. As soon as I became independent during adolescence I was told I was disgusting and physical abuse from my brother was permitted. I was the "perfect child" until I wanted to be me. I'm 40 now and still trying to heal from what happened to me 😢
Resentment and rage are what I have toward my father, too. My father is such a sick man. He admitted that he verbally abused us. His reasoning: it made you tough. He was physically abusive, too. He also has an alcohol use disorder. He has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. He put us down, competed with us, criticized us. He made us suffer all the time. He is sadistic.
The sad thing is such people rob our best years and the joy of life. My father is also like this. My older brother is bipolar because of him, whenever he speaks with my dad his character changes, he can't be himself around him. When we were children I was always very happy when he left the house going to work, he was like a terrorist thirsty for abusing his own children with his presence. I hope you can heal from the abuse. Even a phone call from him makes me feel weird and bad about myself.
“[Narc] fathers are not typically considered good fathers, in the way that most people define ‘good’.” Thank you for both the clarity and the laughter.
Hello Dr. Grande, daughter of a narcissist father here in your comment section for the first time since finding your videos. Thank you for them btw! They're extremely informative for me. I'm 28 and I've always known that there was something wrong with my father, though I couldn't ever seem to put a name to what it was. Since leaving a toxic relationship four years ago I've put a lot of time into trying to find out what was wrong with the person I was with and ultimately what was wrong with myself, and more importantly my parents. I learned of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder amongst a lot of other things. Only in the past couple of months however have I really found examples of the kind of behavior I remember growing up with. I'm haunted at the realization that my personality doesn't feel like my own but only a reflection of the survival skills I learned from infancy. Anyway, your video really elaborated my thoughts for me and I feel alot better about continuing to put my life on track to understanding myself and my situation better.
The only difference is, with me, I saw right through my dads narcissistic behavior early on. I never idealized my dad. I knew from for as long as I can remember that the way he acted wasn’t normal and wasn’t okay. My mom and I were always very close and she helped me so much. She was just as much a victim as I was, he treated her like a child sometimes too rather than treating her as a wife. We both hate that we love him so much, but I can’t help it. He’s my dad. And the part about the good memories really hit me because I hold onto the moments where we actually had a heart to heart convo for the first time in years or my graduation or band concert etc. the moments where he seemed involved. I lived for them. And I still do... I hate it. I love him so much but I hate him at the same time... He was barely involved in anything at all though for the first 8 or 9 years of my life. He and my mom are still married , but he was living in the same house but it’s like he was never really there. And when he was he wasn’t there mentally. He would be on his computer a lot and I would have to pull up a chair in order to spend time with him. My entire life I’ve been walking on eggshells, and it never gets easier. But as I’ve gotten older , and what not, i began to form my own opinions and I’m very head strong. And I’m NOT AT ALL afraid to call him out. It’s pretty much impossible for me to just let it go when my dad will gaslight me or my mom or when he is hypocritical or unfair or etc. I’ve always been aware my dad wasn’t what a ‘normal’ dad. But everything else you said was on point. About everyone outside of the family, like friends or other people idealizing the father and saying “wow he must be a great dad” and etc. but in my experience I never idealized him, thankfully. But I never have blamed And never will blame my mom for my dads behavior and actions because i know that she was a victim in the situation too. My mom is my rock, my best friend, and she’s the main reason why I even slightly enjoyed my childhood. She has saved my life countless times. Her and I have been able to keep each other sane through the years of BS. I’m now 19 . I still am currently living at home , with them, and one of the main reasons I am still living at home is because I don’t wanna leave her to go through the shit all alone
Your story is very touching. I can understand because my daughter is going through similar feelings like yours. She is only 10. I am trying to be the best mom to my daughter, as much as I can be. Stay strong dear. Always strive to be your authentic self.
@@fighty8256 same my dad started "cleaning or de cluttering my clothes things without telling my room now idk how to feel i just wanna run away but i m from pakistan 😢
Same! He uses the pandemic as a control mechanism. I am not living at home anymore, but my mom cannot go anywhere or see any of her friends... it is the worst.
I am actually crying. This is my dad, through and through. He always took, never gave back, but made it seem like he was the best, the blueprint which I should follow. Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy for feeling so emotionally drained by him.
Watching this whole video has made me shake my head over my own father. It describes him to the T. To everyone out there who have also experienced a parent or both parents like this, all my love and prayers go out to you in your journey of healing. You are not alone 🙏🏻 ❤️ 💜 💖
They are sick in the head and cruel and vengeful and will destroy you if you have your own thoughts or personality. They are jealous of their own children and we wait for love from them and live in hope and when they sense that they know they have the power to hurt you. They are incapable of love, they are empty inside. It’s a waste of your life to try and please them and keep them happy. Been there, done that. Look after yourselves, nurture yourselves, make your lives great. To all the hurt souls I send you love and healing ❤️✨✨✨
Thank you for the video, I would appreciate your take on the cold and distant narcissistic father, the unreachable, critical father who treats his daughter as a non-entity.
I wish my father had had that much insight - he would shout "fake ! fake !" and hit me ("I'll give you something to cry about !") when my "mental problems" weren't *just like his* (he was bipolar I) - turns out I inherited migraine & chronic pain problems *from my mom's mom's side of the family* - not his mania at all ! (Though I spent about 20 years being drugged up and hospitalized as if I *were* manic-depressive ... beginning with meds at age ten ... )
You explained my relationship with my father in this video. He is emotionally absent and he has controlled my life. He wouldn’t let me hangout with certain friends, controlled what college I should go too and what major I should pick. He brags about me to all of the people he knows. He controlled my bank account and had a fit when he found out I created my own bank account. He complains about my mom EVERY DAY... which is annoying because my mom is my best friend!! I don’t even want to be around him most days. I’ve had my friends talk about how blessed I am because of my father but no one understands how irritating he can be. I truly feel like he has ruined certain parts of my life where I could have grown as a person. Now I’m struggling to find my own identity.
Dr. Grande, I have four children three boys and one girl. Their father is very high on the scale for NPD. What I noticed is your video describes to me a narcissistic father with a golden child daughter. In my particular situation, our daughter was the scapegoat so she was not treated in the way that you illustrated here. Our oldest child a son, was treated this way because he was extremely good at athletics And his father was not so he totally lived through him during his high school and college years. My daughter saw through him and she has cut all contact and it has been the smartest thing she ever did. It’s been two years and she has no regrets and is living a very healthy life now.Of course she goes to therapy every week.
So sorry to hear this.... Unfortunately, after actually researching on narcissism I understood my father also has NPD. His narcissistic rage and the control freak he is is literally psycho. Now my dad is 84 and his rage has increased. He’s completely senile like 100%. People will NPD cannot change. They just can’t. It becomes worse in the future. He also to used to beat me up a lot when I was a kid. Insulted and abused me at home. But a gem of a guy in front of others ( outside people ) at social gatherings. When I was a kid I never understood. These people are psychos! Now when a young Male / female has NPD, sorry to say this, they will always cheat and lie on their partners! Since the lack empathy. Narcissists always bring up narcissistic children. Some children try to fight off the mental, physical abuse. The ones who can’t, adopt it.
Knowing all these tendencies, I see my past and present. My father refuses therapy and believes everyone is against him, lives through me as his favorite, and is mentally abusive by shaming me if I mess up. Time to leave this toxic man to heal properly.
My relationship with my father checks all the boxes. I've identified a therapist. I'll schedule an appointment tomorrow. Thanks for your work. You are saving lives.
When you are treated like background noise but other people talk how highly he values you.... actions don't add up, I turned into something good only because of him.....other people see me as a very Rebel and disrespectful daughter but I'll fight for my humanity!! Thank you for this video....I really needed to hear this!
I can agree. My dad favored me out of all his kids and complained to me about my mom and even told me things that went on in their marriage at a very young age, which he manipulated me to take sides in their marriage. I had to learn all of this the hard way through several heartbreaks with men. After my last heartbreak, I finally saw my dad for who he really was. I idolized him and when those rose colored glasses fell off it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I realized why I was attached to these bad men and also I realized how “co-dependent” I really was. I never felt loved by my dad or my mom, even the look in their eyes. Empty shells.
This was a good video. The part that resonated with me the most was the part about the narcissistic father complaining about the mother. My dad does that a lot and I wish he could talk nicely about my mom because I love her and she’s awesome. Anyways, I digress. The one thing I’m curious about is if it’s possible for men to have daddy issues? I myself, as a man, will fully admit right here and now that I have daddy issues. My dad is emotionally distant and it just feels like he never cares. I would like to hear what you think about my question. Thank you for all the insight on narcissistic parental relationships, it truly helps in ways I can’t express.
Its true men desire approval and affirmation from their dads. Sad our sons are experiemcing the same they are 19 and 15. The 19 one is the scape goat and he has ignored him so that he hasnt the boy has distanced from him. I also came to learn about this narcissism recently am trying to come to terms with the craziness.
Yup, men can definitely have daddy issues. Claire Byrd is right in her comment- men with daddy issues are more often than not, very hypervigilant and hypersensitive when it comes to criticism from other men. They are highly likely to display anger towards other men along with hyper-competitive tendencies. Insecurity is another common trait seen in such men. This often manifests itself in tendencies to put other men down.
My father did this to my older sister (my mom died when we were young so I guess he needed another scapegoat...) causing huge fights and chaos between both me and my sister and my sister and my dad. My sister always blamed me for being the favorite while I felt like I just had a good or 'normal' relationship with him. I really, really hated my sister for years. She wasn't always an angel but she didn't deserve his wrath and eventually exclusion. I guess he thrived under 'divide and conquer' so to speak. I didn't realize all this till maybe just a few months ago and it's really hard to admit that I didn't see it all these years growing up. But I also know I shouldn't blame myself for his manipulation. Children are literally evolutionarily wired to not question their parents. Children have no options. Now me and my sister have no relationship at all, while it all could have been so different. I hope I can restore this one day.
Actually, my father was never there for me. I was invisible, dismissed, belittled etc Extremely controlling, oh yes. I distance myself from him as much as possible now.
To the OP; exact same here. While my father would take my brother skiing every winter weekend; or hiking in the fall, of renting jetski's for a weekend at Block Island....I was NEVER asked, nor was ever expecting to be asked to be included. My Mom keeps trying to drill it into my head that it's not because my brother is loved more by my father-but rather-"boy's just get along and have more in common with their Dad's."
I realised that, when my father called me ungrateful he really meant disobedient. That was liberating! He also forced me to learn violin when I really loved piano. My healing is his biggest injury. My soul is whole again and he can't touch it.
My father used to be so critical of me, pick on how I pronounced words. He’d pick on me at the table and I was so terrified waiting for him to shout at me. He’d watch my every move waiting and wanting me to do something wrong. I developed severe anxiety and would breathe in a panicky way....then he’d pick on THAT! I was then love bombed with gifts. So confusing. I also developed eating problems through association. He was the enabler to my narc mother’s bullying. A coward. I forgave him years before his death but I’ve never visited his grave. He didn’t respect me as a person. I was a possession.
My dad treated me the opposite...like I was subhuman. He criticized, condemned, demeaned me so much I stuttered for several years. I have avoided him most of my life. When my 28- year marriage ended, with my ex actually complying with theorist's suggestion of taking polygraph which revealed he had 8 affairs, my dad took the stance that it (divorce) was my fault, so he wrote me a 7 page letter outlying all of my faults...ends up he listed 28 flaws I have. I know I have my faults, but have come to believe that certain men hate women.... Like Trump. misogynist men have harmed women and innocent girls so much. P.S. I had a garage sale a few years back, and a woman wanted some of the books I had on narcissism, lying, et al, I stacked up 22 such books and gave them to her, saying I was done with the toxic stuff. Truth is, however, once you're harmed by the mentally impaired predators, you're affected for life. The npds are soul murderers, and resources like your channel help provide some answers.
You sound fairly narcissistic yourself. Making your husband of 28 years take a lie detector test to find out if he'd been cheating or not isn't the actions of a normal person. After 28 years you should *know* if your partner is cheating or not. And I defy *any* marriage to survive when one of the partners has collected *22* books on narcissism over the years. *That* in itself must have had a deleterious effect on your marriage. That's a lot of books on one subject. But I bet you're getting really good at spotting narcissists now, right?
@@nodiggity9472You must be the father 😒 ..just can't stop criticizing her huh? Just HAD to add another nasty judgement to the list. You seem to like to bash women judging from your comment. I wish i knew who you were so i can see how much of a perfect person you are. 🤨
Damn once I knew the true meaning of narcissist I had a feeling my dad might be one, luckily during my middle/high school years I was independent enough to notice what a crock of shit he was. He still hasn’t changed and I’m now 20. He’s only there for eventful stuff when people are watching, but when I need his full attention or now for medical attention to the point I need to go to the hospital he doesn’t do shit but stare and leaves to watch tv like nothing happened. He would openly say nasty things about my mom when I was as young as 5 and still now continues degrading her. I completely understand now that I’m older what my mom was saying about my dad was true and even though it’s fucked up to say, i understand why she cheated on him. The only thing that’s weird now since I’m older is my dad creepily talks about porn/pornstars or throws on a porno movies and talks about it. Even tried talking about my sex life all creepy. Like i get some parents talk to their children about sex life but at least other people’s family aren’t creepy about it or very personal about it knowing everything fucking thing. And he also wants to know my friends sex life which is fucking gross, you don’t ask your daughter’s friends sex life or show your daughter straight up porn. Fucking CREEPY!!!! It’s to the point he makes me uncomfortable and weirds me out where I don’t ever want to touch him or allow him to touch me. I wouldn’t even allow him near my kids unless I’m in the same room(if i have any). He’s fucking gross.
Wouldn't it be best for your emotional and mental well-being to stay away from him entirely. So you can start your journey of selfworth and rediscovery
you need to stay away from him. I wrongly thought I could not be molested as an adult. My mother's husband would try to "accidentally" touch my waist when I gave him a quick hug goodbye. GROSSSS!!!!!! get out!!!!!
Thank you for posting. It took me nearly 40 years to discover that my father is narcissistic and my mum his right hand man. I too adored my father as a girl. My sister was the scapegoat and he totally ignored and dismissed her. As she is not his biological daughter. Cracks started to appear on this perfect picture he was trying to hold up when I switched to a different career path later in life. I didn't understand he was so rude and dismissive about my choice. Now I am a parent myself, I only just realise what a destructive family we were. He totally ignores me and our daughter but if we are in public or with friends he is perfectly charming.. It's still painfull.
Dr. Grande: “I’m really here today to focus on the possessiveness, the over involvement, of the narcissistic father”. Me (daughter of a dismissive narcissistic father): “Typical.” 😞
Thank you Dr Grande! These videos are helping me sort out my past. One type you didn't mention is when the narc father vilifies the daughter. He decided at one point (when I was quite young) that I was a "slut" (not true), and accused me of sleeping with everyone in town. In later years I found a dirty book in his garage about a young girl who was sleeping with everybody in town. I believe he pasted this character over me, and he seemed to actually believe it. He would shout and yell about things that were not true, and gave me complexes. These videos help me to unravel the nonsensical ravings of his mental illness. I always wanted to make sense of him, but there is no sense to be made when you have a moving target, with his defenses adjusting to every situation. He's gone now, but he left many scars.
@@Sihayajoni BPDs have the trait of believing they have a sort of psychic skill and know unknown things about other people - so e.g. my BPD mom would tell me she knows in my heart I don't want to marry my husband (I did want, of course), or when I complained about sexual harassment at work would tell me she feels strongly the harasser is the right guy to marry and she always knew I would marry someone at work (didn't happen, luckily other people helped me out) - also very often accusing me and other family members of very nasty intentions etc., this is typical BPD, a little paranoid. So your description of your dad reading about a "slut" girl and then believing he identified you as a slut, matches BPD really well. I've never heard about anything the like with NPD (but I'm not a specialist).
This is painfully accurate. He 'liked' me only when I adored him and felt ashamed and personally attacked when I did not perform well academically or didn't act the way he wanted. Of course all my natural feelings were disregarded. In the same time he bad-mounthed my mother and felt justified to sabotage my relationship with her, always felt jealous when I spent time with her and shamed me for wanting to be close to her. He did the same with my brother and he grew up disrespecting our mother and idealizing the father. Once I told my brother he is just like our dad, he wanted to hit me? If he was so ideal why did he get offended? And if our dad was so perfect why was he drunk all the time, why did he disregard our mother all the time? I was self-diagnosing and researching all those diagnosis to find out why I have trouble with relationships and self-identity, but this is a explanation that really fits. Thank you for your proffecionalism and thorough explanation!
My dad left when I was 4, came back when I invited him to my wedding at 25. He never apologized and continued to insult me, demean me, and expect me to serve him and unconditionally love him. He was never at fault but heaped fault upon me. We no longer speak and he doesn't care.
I'm sorry that happened to you. However I'm trying to understand why you would want someone you basically don't know at your wedding? It's just blood ties at that point.
@@misshoneynevercame4832 It's her dad. It's not like, a distant cousin or a long lost friend or a childhood teacher or something, it's a parent so it's different; even if you haven't seen them in years.
I have a similar situation. Last month, I finally reunited with my father who I haven't seen in 2O years; he visited when I was 6, left, and never came back. My dad did apologize, but he also insulted me and my husband and the goals I have for my life, blamed his absence nearly completely on my mom, and is controlling AF. I'm about ready to cut him off already, he seems to be a narc just like my mom! Something inside of me thought he would be a healthy parent...I guess I was wrong! 😔
I substituted “father” for mother & you are SPOT ON! Being raised by a narc mom it’s done a number on me & Im 46! I have Bpd & cptsd. Thanks for your video
My dad is for sure one.. I want to hate him but I love him so much. I’m never good enough for him. I constantly crave his approval, but will never get it.
My dad to a T. I'm working with a Therapist to help turn that critical dad voice into my own uplifting voice. (Not sure how else to phrase that, sorry if it's unclear.) Love these informative videos. Thanks. ^_^
OMG, I totally understand that internal voice thing! Some days are better than others and sometimes I think I'm going nuts...but I have to remember that I'm not (depite his best efforts) and keep moving forward! Stick with it, you're not alone!
@Wendy Larson Massive sympathy and empathy for you. Have you tried talking to a therapist about this? It may be helpful. My dad says insulting things followed with a "I'm just joking". Eventually, I started responding: "A half-joke is a half-truth". He would not stop being abusive, so I don't have any contact with him. Life has improved, and I'm less angry these days.
Dear Dr. Grande, thank you very, very much for this helpful video. Signs number 1, 3, 4 and 5 are what I have experienced in my live. I had to reinvent/reconstruct a great part of my identity in my 30s and 40s to survive as a person because that merged identity doesn't fit to my nature in most parts. I was at the end of my rope with it. Extremely painful experience, the whole thing almost killed me.
I felt like this entire video was used as a real life example of life with my dad. Thank you for this. Although it’s sad, it’s nice to connect to something and have all that confusion cleared up.
It's absolutely breaks my heart. After watching this video I came to the realization as too why my 13-year-old daughter has suddenly pulled away from me and seems to hold some resentment towards me. What's even sadder is the Narcissistic father has sole custody and we live across state from each other. Lord help me! 🙏 Thank you for making this information available, even though it's gut-wrenching, it is also very eye opening.
thank you so much for making this video. almost every sentence described my experience of my family dynamic and relationship with my father. i was really close with him growing up, and am a highly emotionally sensitive person so i really felt for him in ways and believed in his ideas about the world...in my teens, i was in such an identity crisis (looking back in hindsight) back then i had no idea what was going on and could only describe it as feeling 'lost'. i believe this manifested into severe depression, that i didn't get help for for several years, out of fear for what it would mean for my family - i thought they would think i was lying and just causing trouble. when i eventually got help in my early 20s, i took my dad with me into some of my therapy sessions, and had hope for him to get help at times. i believe it's always good to maintain as much compassion and kindness for others as you can. for years during my depression, i hated my dad and really grieved my lack of identity. but i've come to acknowledge the great pain and misery a person must be in to live with such a disorder/traits and i hope the best for him as much as i can. i am still healing, but i've never come across such a succinct and exact explanation of how this dynamic can play out, and how it did in my experience...all the best to anyone out there who's suffered in any of these ways xx
We always thought my dad was narcissistic growing up while my mum was 'the victim', yet my father hits only some narcissistic characteristics while my mum hits 9/9.
I heard someone say couples that are together a long time where there's an overt narc, the other spouse is convert (the victim) but actually enables the overt.
Same here, I was caught up in the illusion my mum is an innocent victim, a gentle angel suffering from a wicked abuser & tyrant (my dad was that way to me)... But I was in the dark about my mother's rampant narcissism. It worsened with age, she's not just grandiose but highly toxic. And I came to see the vulnerable side of my father, as well as his gentle side. Our relationship is so much better these days, although there's no intimacy or emotional bond (my dad's issues preclude that), and nowadays I find more support in him than ever (and in my mum). The thing I realized recently is that trying to be close with the mother lead to a lot of pain & upholding my illusions about her
I am very sure my father is narcissistic. And my mother was always a victim. He abused her 1000 times physically mentally... he have no respect for her nor me. He only does dark empathy to manipulate us. And he pretends to be a good person outside. He only feels 2% guilt for his mistakes and doesn't mind to make more...
Thank you! First video that describes the kind of father - daughter relationship I had. Narcissistic fathers are many times described as only distant and critical, but my father was more enmeshed and possessive. Everybody saw our relationship as tight and close, and didn't see how there was some important emotional connection missing. I didn't understand that either at the time, and realized it much later. That last point was difficult in my teenager years, my father complained to me about everyone and I shared his ideas about how some other people were keeping him down, but I couldn't share that about my mother. I tried to understand my father's viewpoint and thought I did, and at the same time I tried to understand my mother's too. I had the safest attachment to my mother and couldn't afford to lose that, so I was left in between my parents. Later I've understood that my father painted many lies about my mother (about some intimate stuff too), and so I still saw my mother falsely even though I tried to understand her standpoint. My mother never burdened me with her issues of their relationship, so my view was skewed.
Wow. Thank you so much. I am grateful for this video. My whole life I knew something was off. I was in emotional distress blaming myself. You have confirmed what I needed to hear and know. 7/7 fit and now I can finally move on and not feel guilty about trying to be independent. Thank you so much ❤ This video is super well put together. Am definitely relieved.
#6 and 7 could sum up my entire relationship with my dad. My dad is constantly insulting my mother (separated) and shaming me anytime I show any characteristic that seems too similar to her. If my mom makes a mistake or says something he doesn’t like then I face that wrath and get scolded for her choices, despite the fact that her choices and mistakes affect me just as much as they do him. Anytime I express excitement over an accomplishment it’s immediately shut down bc I’m being “annoying” or a “know it all”. I’m glad I realized what was happening fairly early on so now I can try to mend my worldview and way of interacting with other people. He ruined the way I saw myself for a long time and I still have to catch myself and remember to be kind.
“You’re just like your mother.” “Thank you.”-me “It wasn’t a compliment.” “It is to me.”- me “Figures.That’s part of what’s wrong with you. Mommy’s defender.” “Sure.”-me
One of the strange thing about living with a narcissist is that you begin to ask yourself whether you are the narcissist. I feel both relieved and crushed to realize my daughter probably has it after watching this video
My dad was aloof and narcissistic. He was a WW2 vet, would scream and rage, constantly demean us, and threaten me if I quarreled with my younger sister who was his favorite. I loved the piano and I still remember him coming in while I was practicing and saying to me in a rough voice, "Dont you have anything better to do? Clean this house!". A therapist told me to forgive him because he was crazy from the war. My dad never forgave me for moving out of state, didnt speak to me for years.
This was a really well-articulated mix of so-called or perceived "good" qualities and actions of this type of father, with alternating and/or later discard/ disinterest/ disrespect/ discouragement/ / gaslighting/ abandonment which constitute an overall atmosphere of abuse, when viewed at the end of the day.. When viewed at mid-life. I wrote poems about all of this starting at age 8, began asking spiritually-oriented questions at age 9, acted out in a small way and then became a model child & student & daughter for the next 7 years. As a child I was my Mother's confidant & emotional suppprt. As a young woman, I was my father's confidant & emotional support. As a middle-aged woman, I had to face the fact that my father was actively, covertly trying to kill my mother, and to make her feel she was crazy and in danger of being committed to an asylum in the meantime. Among other evidence of these things were my mother's frequent JOKES about this!! She had a measure of awareness about his motives. It's all so incredibly sad. All of the beautiful qualities we all could have cultivated and expessed out into the world... My father died after orchestrating both his maximum legacy of what a great guy he was - with the public, with extended family and friends - and his maximun revenge on really the entire immediate family, with me as the primary target, my mother as the secondary target, and plenty of venom and propaganda to create a permant rift between my brother and me (visibly) and my mother (covertly). It's all so incredibly sad and wasteful.
This is my narcissistic ex husband with our 7-year-old daughter. The parts that she has been old enough to experience are spot on. If nothing else, this validates everything I have experienced. I pray for her constantly because she still idolizes him and I worry so much about her future relationship with him (and me!). Thank you for the video!
THINGSwill change,when she become a teenager or want to be her own independent self.That is what happened to me.. You don,t want him telling you how to dress all the time and canT have a boyfriend! Among many other things gs!
Is it getting any better? My 13 year old daughter & her narc father, my ex, are spot on with this video. Unfortunately my daughter too is severely narcissistic. I hope there's hope!!
Same here. He disapproved of anything I did or didn't. Dismissed, ignored, belittled or scolded and criticised. My whole life I tried to please him and never succeeded. Not once. He died 5 years ago. I cried because I did not succeed to get his love or appreciation. I wondered why my relationships were not successful. Only now, at age 62 (!!!) do I realize what happened to me. SLDD self love deficiency disorder. It's time to get to know myself. The last 5 years were the happiest time in my life. ❤
You really nail this one because it describes exactly what happened to my daughter.She turned against me when he divorced me.I had enough counseling to realize his game.Please tell how a mother can win her daughter back from this ongoing manipulation.
You speak as if you know my father, but what really upsets me about your words is the fact that there are a few or many more of these men than just my dad. I hate my father so much, and it really saddens me that there may be people out there who did not turn out as well as I did, and I have been diagnosed with mental illness as a result of my upbringing. How could I allow this horrible man to die without me killing him first is beyond me, but I know that he did not make it to the after life, which does give me a great sense of peace. Thanks for all you say. It does heal me in some ways but frightens me in others. How many of us have to suffer because we can not get out of the control of a narcissist? I wish I was the only and last one...
After about 3 years of therapy because of the way my dad reacts to my spouse, everything you say in this video WAS my experience. I’m happy to say you can unravel this and feel free of these chains with awareness of it and intention to heal yourself ❤. Thank you for putting this out.
@@aishwaryas5734 be careful with therapy. Make sure to vet the therapist bcuz alot of therapist are narcs themselves. Or pretend to know nothing about narcissism.
Oh my God it's like he's talking about my Dad! "You girls are beautiful, dress nicely because I like showing you off"; "Don't pick at the pimples on your face, you'll leave marks. Pick anywhere else, pick at your chest if you have to but just not your face" ; "I brought my good camera, I want to get plenty of good pictures" "Are you XYZ's daughter? Your father is amazing, he saved my husband. What a good, kind man" "It was your mother's fault I got together with my girlfriend. All she does is play games on her phone when I come home" "Tell your mother to cut her hair short, she looks better with it short" ; " When you go to the shops make sure your mother doesn't spend alot of money"; "Look after the family whilst I stay at your grandmother" "Your water's been cut off? Not my problem, report it to the police". Interspersed with confusing memories of happy conversations about Science, History and Philosophy. Happy memories of watching movies together and long dinner discussions, him telling us to go to parties and that we don't have to get As as long as we tried our hardest. Admired and shown off as pretty, clever little dolls and then abandoned.
Oh man these all hit the nail on the head for me. Videos like this always help me think more about my past and help me uncover some things I was unaware of.
Seeing this clearly has brought me so much relief and to QUIT chasing rainbows that aren’t there. I no longer have to keep jumping through hoops and trying to make that relationship work
I grew up with the “he doesn’t mean it that way, he just doesn’t know how to show love’. Ya right.
My mom always gave this excuse to my father. And partially this is. Ok
They do not know how to do healthy parenting.
My mom has told me about my dad that my entire life and I get so mad when she does
@@kellykittinger5969 exactly. It is such a wrong way to enable abuse by giving excuses. Yes he didn't deserve the childhood he had, but to have this as an excuse to further abuse your children, that's just plain wrong. Grown ups are able to grow and learn new things and be better than their own parents were. Subconsciously we may carry our parents parenting systems to our children. But it's our CHOICE to see and recognise them and change.
If a father doesn't take responsibility.. He is still a boy.. In grown ups body. 😏😔
Yup. All kinds of excuses from my mother too.
Me too.
Society has made the term “daddy issues” so condescending like it’s the child’s fault for their abusive upbringing.
It's not though. There's no implication of blame there at all. And because it *is* a thing, we have to call it something. You only think it's condescending because . . . well, because you have Daddy issues. 🤷♂
it hurts when you know people are against you :(
@@nodiggity9472 no, that's not true. "Daddy issues" has been used in our culture to make fun of (predominantly) women for having issue due to a poor father role. The word "Daddy" is already infantilizing and condescending. It could be called "Father issues", implying the issue is infantile in nature. It also implies SHE has issues with her father and not that the father has failed in his parental role. It has strong implications in todays culture. OP is right
@@badcookie5755 "Making fun of"? Look, when you have an issue due to a poor father role, calling it a "Daddy issue" isn't condescending at all. It's descriptive. As for the implication that "SHE has issues with her father", that's not an implication, its a given. If someone is said to have "Daddy issues", they have issues with their father. If we were looking at the father, we might say he had boundary issues or some shit. But we're not. Also, a father doesn't have to have failed in his parental role for his children to have issues with him.
Basically what you're saying, is "I don't have 'Daddy issues', I have issues with my father's lack of positive parental input" Well, that's Daddy issues. If you don't like the word "Daddy", don't use it. If you do . . . . jump up on my knee, and tell Daddy all about it.
@@nodiggity9472 No wonder you see no issue with the term when youre blinded by misogyny. I'm impressed you typed that last part out without an ounce of self awareness. Just say you're a deadbeat and go
Sounds like my dad in a nutshell. Can make you feel like the most special person in the world when he’s happy with you. On the other hand, can completely tear you down in the blink of an eye when you don’t live your life like he wants.
I totally hear that👌🏼
this comment explains my situation very well
My father’s lens to a person’s moral and ethical values is based soley on the amount material posessions one owns, or lack there of. He is offended by anyone who can’t see that. Over time, I became the scapegoat because I refused to play along. Hindsight is 20/20.
yes I believe you- our Dad and one bro;;
they give the withering Glance-ridicule my weight-take a TONE of superiority; both insufferable toxic "" men""".
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
“The father needs the daughter to succeed, when the daughter fails, he’s embarrassed” explains A LOT
Same for me!
My dad preferred that I fail and done everything in his power to make sure I did.
He’s not just embarrassed, he’s destroyed, so he destroyed me, I literally became suicidal. It’s been eight years, I still try to recover, but thankful to learn the truth from the video. Thanks!!
Unfortunately it's really hard to tell if it's pride or when they want you to succeed for your sake, and because they love you, and they want you to have what they never did. And they feel it's their role as a parent to help you. This is usually the parent who grew up poor or otherwise unable to be what they wanted to be. If the father is already successful, it may just be a point of pride. But they still may be genuinely concerned about you.
I'm not trying to discount your perception. There are definitely as many types of people as there are people. Just trying to give my experience, which may be totally different than yours.
He wanted me to succeed without teaching me life lessons then get upset I didn’t learn because I was never taught
A moment of silence to all daughters who cried while listening to this
Thank You 🙏😭
Thank you
Yes
🙏🏾🥺🫶🏾 hugs to us all
💔
I idolized my dad as a child and it’s only now as an adult that I realized how uninvolved and emotionally disconnected he was from me throughout my entire childhood. My rose-colored glasses are broken. 😥
Sarah Poole same
Same here. Realizing this past few years
Me too, it hurts
@@liabooth399 it really does !do they realize the damage they've caused ? I wondered that too. Till I confronted him now . no change so it's all toxic
I was like this with both of my parents
My father is pure evil. People in the public thinks he’s such a good guy
Reminds me of my ex. He’s a vile narcissist but anyone who knows him only on the surface thinks he’s the most charming man ever. He’s SO polite and respectful to everyone. Then we’d go home and he’d talk down to me, make me feel like crap for everything, be crude & vulgar. Completely split personality in public. So gross.
@@MK-Hogan my ex is the same
That's the point 😓
Yup
yep, i know all about that
My father has cause me so much terror, emotionally and mentally, yet he keeps pretending he's innocent (in fact, people outside my home thinks he's the "world's best dad" lmao) , never takes the blame for anything, and acts oblivious to the damage his actions has on my life and health.
My dad is the same way. Gaslighting me my entire life has given me emotional issues. These videos definitely help understand our issues. Keep your head up ♥️
Am sorry, I feel you, I went through the same thing plus still going with a narcissistic brother who is draining whats left in me.. stay strong.
I can relate also. My south Asian dad was always very emotionally unavailable to me and my sister all due to things not going his way after coming to the United States and always putting all the blame on my mom’s family for being a bad influence but also not really thinking how much unnecessary stress/anxiety it’s causing to that person that will also be raising his children. Everything seemed to always come down to him and his needs being met first just because he was the bread winner and assumed that’s all is needed to raise a family without much emotional bonding or getting involved in spending much time together with family. My dad and my mom had both lacked good/ open communication with each other. My mom lacked the ability to stand up for herself and made up for it through people pleasing and also not being able to stray away from being codependent to my dad. My dad cannot apologize/acknowledge for the wrong he did as a parent but just expects his kids to just move on from it overnight and get healed by itself.
@@jaky411 my dad will not acknowledge or apologize either. I am 42 and he is now 71. He refuses to make an effort in our relationship but then complains to family and the few friends he has about how I never contact him and that its my job to contact him. It never ends. It is great for you to see and acknowledge what you expressed in your post so you can avoid another relationship like that 😀 keep you head up and clear ♥️ i spent far too long using alcohol to deal with my issues stemming from my dad. Don't do the same!
Can totally relate.
I really identify with this. My dad always did everything for me, but always to live the way he wants. He was always full of anger and I’ve never had space to share my feelings. Always a lot of pressure to follow an academic career. Now a days, I have no idea what my real goals are, I struggle to open up in relationships and I feel like everyone hates me because of the mistakes I make. I never feel good enough.
I feel so seen.
My god! I know what you mean.
I know how you're feeling. I'm going through the same
Preach!
❤
I didn't realize how narcissistic my father was until I was a grown woman. It explains a lot of things but especially his sole focus on himself, everything funneled back to him, whether or not it was intended. He took EVERYTHING personally. If I didn't think exactly like he did it was an affront to him, a disrespect. As I got older, it was obvious to him that I had thoughts and opinions different from his, he would get angry and say "who put those thoughts in your head!"...like I was incapable of forming my own ideas with the information around me. He was also extremely vain and needed constant ego stroking that he was handsome and looked young for his age...to the point that when I mentioned I visited a friend (as an adult), his first question was "what does she think of me, what did she say about me?" I just looked at him and said "We actually didn't talk about you at all" He was floored...how could that be? Of course he would be brought up in conversation! Here's an example of when I was younger, like 6 or 7...I would be watching cartoons and he would come home from work and announce "I'm HOME!" and if I didn't IMMEDIATELY get up and run to him, he would start with "Oh, I guess I'm not important anymore, working hard all day to put food on the table at a job I hate, just for YOU! You don't love me anymore!" And then I would have to spend however long convincing him I still loved him....I knew the way he was acting was not right, but didn't know what it was. After years of it, I came to understand why my mother drank.
Same I feel like that now as a grown woman. He doesnt care if I get married, never asked me how I am, and never said 'I love you'. Never took me out shopping or out to eat.....Only calls his male friends but never me when I was at university or never celebrated me when I got a new job ... he definitely won't be walking me down the aisle!!!
Wow. I am just absolutely shocked at how your experience mirrors mine. I had to immediately run and say hello "properly" otherwise I'd be in big trouble (lots of yelling and abusive behavior). The same went for friends. If they didn't go say hello, I'd get a talking to after they left.
He also constantly takes EVERYTHING personally and finds some angle of feeling offended by something I say or do and CONSTANTLY needs reassurance that he looks young for his age.
You described my dad word for word. And I also didn’t realise this till this year when I got into a huge fight with him. When he’s angry, he really reveals that side of him that he has gotten really good at concealing from others. And it messed me up a bit, especially when I didn’t have awareness because one minute he’s really supportive and loving and then the next all these toxic traits come up. It was confusing for me.
My step father was also this way and always needed that constant ego validation that every woman naturally wanted him and couldn’t resist him. Either by him talking about himself on just how good looking he was and how he always had an abundance of “female company” just dying to be around him when he was in high school and then the navy durning his single days before my mother, or he would make comments about either MY friends or my brothers girlfriends discreetly making eyes or comments or advances towards him (which is disturbing and disgusting at the same time and the sole reason I didn’t have many friends come over to my house because he made us all uncomfortable) or it’s females he works with complimenting him and making it obvious they “want” him because they compliment how he smells the best or how nice looking he is or what a good man he is and how lucky my mother is to be his wife and they would love the chance to have him to themselves, while he “jokes” and transparently delights and takes some kind of twisted pride in talking about how BAD women want him and is always followed by the response of “but I’m happily married to your mama and I’m not going anywhere”.. Like he would always try to make my mom feel jealous or something. Low key always felt like he was trying to generate some type of reaction from me when he would go on and on about other females or make what he calls “jokes” about asking if my friends are “sluts” and then laughing. Completely disgusting behavior.
When he would finally drop us off at our mom's place after a week-end at his place, he would observe my sister and I's behavior, and he felt like we untied the seat belts too quickly for his taste, he would complain that we couldnt wait to be done with him! So we had to slowly untie the seat belts the next time, with a disinterested look on our faces. How much time was wasted on protecting his fragile self esteem, at the cost of our own
They are so good up to a certain age when you blindly adore them. But once you start to succeed or question their status it can have the opposite effect. You can be put down reminded you are not better and he is the one, the one who knows everything . Your successes are nothing special. Pointing out flaws in the mother is so true.
True
After I started to question my father and his motivations for treating me terribly, he distanced me from my sister and of his side of the family. My sister got angry at me for not respecting our dear, perfect father who always got treated so terribly by me.
Yes.
@@BagznBirdz damn, that's exactly what happened to me
Is my father your father...lol
It's also interesting to see how there's an over-involvement of the narcissistic father when it comes to the child being successful, and yet an extreme under-involvement when it comes to emotional connection and emotional development between the father and the daughter.
Thanks again for a very informative video (as always).
So true mine was on our daughters case academically but ignored her emotionaly she got involved with boys and sex quite early. She created such fear in her that whenever she did do well in her exams she would panic at his reaction. Funny enough he hasnt cared about how the boys performed, have three 19, 15, 10. But the girl has strived to be free of him now am noticing him pay attention to the 10 yr old whose personality is like that of the girl and he is his spitting image.
He should have touched on under involved. Much more common.
I find that my Narcissist father over-involved himself primarily to take credit for any success and/or sabotage the effort and point out MY failure.
Lucia Yes! I often tell people my relationship with my dad was purely academic!
Yeah, my mom found me only useful if I could help her do things or entertain her. My dad just did things for me so that he’d get praise from others. Neither had an emotional discussion or hugged me growing up. No wonder, even as an older woman now, I have little to no self esteem. Ugh!
They love posting those fake pictures " happy moments " on their social media for praise from others. Thank you for these videos!
My sister did that. She would post pics I took of her daughter, mostly of what I sent her, to make it seem like she was this dotimg mother. She also posted pics and other posts about us, coming off as thus loving and supportive sister but in real life we're not close and even when we lived together she never celebrated me as she posted online.
Ally you’re talking about my mother in law - has barely anything to do with our kid but posts pictures from the birthday party as though she’s grandma if the year. Also at the birthday party went around telling everyone how she’s grandmas girl. Never missed a moment to laugh obnoxiously loud, make noise with a kazoo, pop a balloon “by accident” or any other way to draw the attention to MIL and away from the one year old who’s party it was.
My son’s narc father loves to post “fake happy” pictures of him and his daughter. That’s what I admired about him “involved father” it’s all a lie. He wants nothing to do with our son.
My narc father always tags me in posts when we're having lunch together like "spending time with my favorite person." But then sits on his phone and ignores me the whole time.
Yes, so very true.
I couldn't understand why until I began these studies.
My narc ex husband posted all this fake shit .
Just pissed me off.
Thank you so much for this video. 22 years of abuse and trauma and I’m finally breaking off everything with my dad. I’ve always felt an enormous amount of hate towards him. Yet, he always claims he is the victim. He has always been jealous of my mom because I had a better relationship with her. I didn’t know so many other people dealt with this
My situation to the T. If I described it more, you will be grossed out. Constant death threats to me and my mother(is afraid of dogs), threatening to ruin my career at any job I do, send me to jail after hitting my forehead on the wall. All this when I fought back. His delusional authority and power was hit. Can't do house chores, have never cared for anyone besides himself and money. I'm just waiting for the right time to hit the hornet's nest. Cut all connections.
Same!
Omg it's like an epidemic. I agree, I didn't realize so many of us experienced similar family dynamics.
Neither did I. There seems to be so much written about Narc mothers and their sons but hardly ANYTHING written about fathers and daughters. This is the only info I ever need - thank you Dr Todd - you have confirmed that it’s not just in my head. EVERY SINGLE items is true.
My father did that mess with me on memorial day just showed up with over the people to take pictures. I never answered the door.
And after all this trauma.. the daughter chooses partners resembling her father... I have tried everything but I can't break this pattern. His shadow is going to chase me to my grave..
I had this issue and I’m still working on it. One pattern was that I kept meeting men that did not have time for me and would breadcrumb me. I learned about attachment styles and reprogramming the subconscious mind. I realized I have to change the stories I tell myself. I started saying over and over that men want to give me their time and prioritize me. I am valuable and worthy. I am first choice. I kept saying these things over to try to reprogram my subconscious. I met a guy right after that invested his time in me and would drive an hour to see me several times a week. I see this as progress and hope that I can reprogram all my childhood wounds.
No, you can break out of it. I did, it's possible, don't let your father take the life away from you, he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve anything from you other than pity.
Wow 😳 i will not cry .. but this damn be the same story what I face!!😭😭😤 My father is a narcissistic plus he has mental illness like schizophrenia. Now at the age of 29, I struggle to meet a good guy because the only men that I attract are men who are narcissist or has mental illness... I don’t know how to break this.. Why do we attract the same men as our father? While we deserve a good men, I only attract the bad.
@@suras8984 Omgg please teach me 😭😭😔 So good of you so strong that you work on healing yourself
@@Puuws What I also don’t find fair is that women who got good childhood and a supportive father marries good guys. I dunno it this is my opinion or a real perspective. And women who had a hard life and sad problematic childhood with no father, attracts bad men. Am I wrong? No right..
I might add an 8th one: being jealous of the child's achievements, even if they contributed to these achievements in the first place and even if the child never really cared and was rather forced to go for it. This jealousy can be channelled into emotional blackmailing such as "if it wasn't for me you'd be nothing". In this way the narcissistic parent has an outlet for resentment and can keep the child from seeking independence.
That's so true.
Yes! And they must always be the 1st in everything you do. Dad taught me to 1st ride a bike, take me on an airplane, open a bank account, drive a car, get a cellphone, etc.
I was called, a "Better wife than my mother ever was", and he would constantly sabotage and/or compete with my boyfriends.
@@mamabear-9.18.18 same experience...mine would sabotage anything that he didn't feel was accredited to him adequately just to point out what a failure I am! (Still does)
Yes I am a witnessed in that case you pointed out. Thanks for mentioning it. I thought I was a judgmental person all the time.
Celeste
I always hear that from my dad
So true, my dad was a popular guy with lots of friends. I totally internalised the emotional abuse and blamed myself for falling short.
Expose yourself to good and empathic people, interactions and relationships to make yourself accustomed to healthy relationships
And find inner self esteem and self love so you wouldn’t need external validation
You Were Born Free, Discover This Freedom 😉, peace and love 💜
Totally relate
same! i always thought there must be a side of my dad that i need to get to. what kind of unhealthy dynamic is that, where a child knows their dad so little (he was always an enigma) because the dad neglects the child emotionally, and now the child thinks they must earn that side of their dad
Mine too
Same with me
Like others have mentioned, my NPD father was my hero until I was in my early 30s and I began to see him for who he was. The manipulation and bullying was unreal. Sending out love and healing to other survivors of narcissistic abuse. ♥️
What did you do when you found out? Did you go to therapy? And is it only you or do you have siblings?
@@franciscapena3622 I have siblings. I’ve been in psychotherapy on and off since then. It really helps.
@@TigerLilyNo13 thanks for answering! I am glad that it helps! Do your siblings get therapy too? I hope you are all doing great❣️
@@franciscapena3622 my siblings are still in denial.
I'm glad you're aware now. Sadly, my 2 adult kids are still under my ex narc's spell, and so much damage has been done to our relationship, I think it will be too late if/ when they ever wake up. These demons spread their evil ways through generations.
One of my dad's favorite activities when I was growing up, and even now, was trying to bond with me by tearing down my mom. For a man who tried to amplify his intelligence whenever possible, it wasn't the brightest move. Even though my mom had her own issues, I was much much closer to her growing up (mostly because she didn't fly into a rage and abuse everyone like he did) and never fed into this need for him to pull me into putting her down.
Wow, I just realised my father did the exact same thing...
No worse parent than a triangulator. 😞
This describes both of my parents. They were only interested in how they looked as parents to the rest of the world, not if they really tried to be good parents.
We would go to church EVERY Sunday as a family. The ride in the car to church was constant yelling screaming insults but as soon as we pulled into church parking lot and opened the car doors we were the perfect family until church was over and we got back into the car and the car door closed then came the screaming yelling insults.
@@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 Quite right too. I hate it when people start having a row in Church.
Todd is one of the most skilled mental health professionals on UA-cam.
I already started crying the moment you said that while in that situation at the time, the daughter of the narcissist may actually think he is good. Just resonates so much. My father made himself my whole world - I wasn't allowed to disagree with him, have my own thoughts, I was parentified to the point of worrying about him constantly, was put on a pedestal only for him to seem to delight in devaluing me as he seemed to have extreme envy towards most people. To love someone that much at such a young age and be manipulated in that way just feels impossible to heal still. It's so hard to have a life now as I just don't understand how to have a functioning relationship. I wish this curse did not exist. If parents realise something is seriously wrong with the person they are coparenting with they need to take strong decisive action and get them away from that person.
Same here.
Hi amelie, this is your sock puppet account :) remember me? It was so much fun chatting on that other channel. I have been wondering what happened to your posts on that video, but it hasn't been the same without you :).
Being a co parent with a narcissist is pure evil hell. Story too long to tell. Every situation different. Practice empathy for all that lived within a narcissist abusive relationship. They all get damaged and it takes years to recover.
You can heal, especially with the power of prayer. God is your true Father and He loves you.
Joni absolutely right ! Recognize get some good counseling , and learn the true act of Love ... Love for yourself and your fellow humans sharing many of these expieriances , it’s easy to get wrapped up in self pity , and that’s not healthy either but you can overcome . Love is needed though not hate ❣️❣️❣️
I would love to hear about the distant narcissist father
Samantha Sick yes that is what mine was
Same
L. Rachel this this this
Same
L. Rachel sorry to hear. I know how it feels. It’s deep but don’t give up on yourself and your future. It’s possible to receive freedom from these wounds.
I used to think that I am not lovable and that it was all my fault and I was a failure because my father didn’t love me the right way. But it is a one big lie ! Only because someone didn’t know how to love you doesn’t mean you are not lovable. You are not a problem.. your father was a problem. Hugs 😘
The rages are pure projection. Everything he hates about himself, he rages at me about. Done and done.
Exactly. And that rage can be contagious. It’s taught as a way to release insecurity and fear. Then that requires a whole new round of therapy!!
That's my father in a nutshell. He knew when I was really small that I was smarter than him. He tore that down because it threatened how he feels about himself. He is unbelievably selfish. What's worse is my mother trying to convince me that this is love.
This video described my dad so well. Was never there for me emotionally but felt like he was dad of the year bc he was there for me financially. In my childhood years I’ve always felt what he did was out of love but now that I’m older it just all hits me. Like I’m so messed up because of him. My anxiety is unbearable, I have attachment issues. Ppl on the outside thinks he’s the best parent in the world but in reality he’s not.
Sounds like my soon to be ex husband with our daughters. It's so painful. As a wife I'm a victim too... He talks about me so bad and confuses my babies but God is an awesome God and Satan WILL NOT WIN❤
My father called himself the bank. Everything was business. I met him in his office for checks. Zero emotional connection. Financial control coded in “It’s for your good, or it’s for your protection, or you need ME.” Needing me meaning he needs to dominate you and he needs the narc supply.
Everything is with strings and false loyalty expectations to him-or the “family.”
@@C-eq1tj Yup. Interactions with my father were business like, like he was talking to employees. Never any sign of emotion.
“When you seek to make something perfect, you often end up destroying it.”
It’s like I’m my dad’s canvas and he kept fucking with it trying to get it right and inevitably trashed the piece because perfection is IMPOSSIBLE.
My daughter would be saying this now if her father had not died when she was seven...but she does not know it...she believes he is the only.person whomhas truly loved her in her life and she has had two husbands and three chi.dren..no one will ever love her like Daddy did. So sad for.those who ,DO.really love her...she doesnt realize the first time she didnt do what he wanted her to do he would have shelved all that attention.
My father did almost everything Dr Grande said, but I never believed my dad loved me. I felt suffocated and humiliated while living with him. In my country, the norm back in the day was to remain living with your parents until getting married... but I couldn’t wait so one day I secretly escaped and never looked back
Same. How do people become like this? My grandfather was a loving man. Everyone admired him. He treated everyone with respect (was a non toxic person). But my father, oh my god the most salty NPD bastard I've ever seen.
@@sierrachief117 Same, I was very close to my grandfather & my father (his son) is a terror in my life.
@@sierrachief117 Everyone who (thought they) knew my father said what a delightful man he was.
Is there the tiniest possibility that your grandfather had the same effect on the rest of the world?
@@sierrachief117 Same. My grandad had the heart of a buddha. Genuinely kind and good person. I often wondered how my father came from him. I came to the conclusion that it may have to do with neglect? My grandparents were never really around to raise their 4 kids, always working and volunteering.
@@TheFawnbradfield Yes, parents need not to be direct abusive, many are subtile neglectful. P.S. And grandchildren have another relationsship to their grandparents than the parents have.
My father all 7 points. “If you love me, you will sacrifice your life for me.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 When I didn’t comply, from the age of around 15 years old... well, just total disregard and by the age of 19, total, total abandonment. Hectic. Thank you so much for this video.
My father told me that if I wasn't actively trying to commit suicide, I didn't have any problems, and was faking when I cried - turns out I have migraines and other chronic pain ...
How did you do that I'm currently 18yr old and having hard time. Please share how you overcome this trauma
i think the most frustrating thing about my dad being perceived as a “perfect dad” outside of my house is all my friends tell me that i’m overreacting when i talk abt how much trauma he’s caused me, they think i’m ungrateful because i have “the best dad” and he could never do anything to mentally hurt me
And this is why I'm afraid to talk about it. The manipulation abusers have can be so powerful, it's so sad. It's like wow what do I do now.
Omg I can relate so much. Most of my friends say “why are you always so negative about your dad? I think he’s a good guy”, or that I am over exaggerating, or that I am ungrateful. People almost always take his side and never listen to mine.
I rebuke that. You will heal and find peace, abundance and love in every place you are--- starting within. I love you because I do. You've been hurt into destitution as they want you to praise them unnaturally. You are always loved and regardless, you will prevail.
@@zloimorfei9930 I know this sounds harsh but our friends are not necessarily the best people to talk about it with especially if they have only seen that one side of your father please be kind to yourself loving to yourself accepting of yourself and loving to those who are good to you and that you care about and helpful to others who need your help just saying
Wow, so true
My dad was so controlling. I don't know why, he didn't even like me. He wanted a boy so he called me a boy's name my entire life. Anything he did for me was to make himself look good. I wasn't allowed my own interests,career, relationships... nothing. You nailed it right on the head. Years of therapy and no one explained it like you did. Thank you🙏
The same. He wanted a boy and my mother felt as a failure by not giving him much wanted boy, do she became his enabler and often initiator of abuse. Many, far too many years of physical violence and psychological abuse followed by both of them. Freakishly, I tried making them look better in front of others. I made other people believe that I drove them crazy, as if it was all my fault. In reality, I was a no problem child and teen. I did very well at school, never brought any scandals home or anything that would tarnish their reputation. But, I felt terribly embarrassed to have such mean and aggressive parents. I wanted to be from a “nice family” as all of my friends were, so I continued covering up their abusive behavior. It was awful. Now that I have my own life, I shiver thinking back in what dangerous situations I was with the two of them. I am certain that if one of them killed me (easily with a hard kick or strike), or if I killed myself, they would feel absolutely nothing and would find the way to convince the world that I deserved it somehow. There were truly hairy situations. It was terrible. I think lots of people knew what I was going through, but nobody helped me. Gosh, the onlookers just stayed onlookers, apart from the two or three occasions where few real heroes jumped in my defense. Later in life, my father became extremely upset and probably jealous that I made life quite successful without him/them. His rages never ceased, there was always one or the other reason. He was deeply unhappy if I was happy. Strange. I still can’t figure out narcissism.
This was my relationship with my dad. When I was small I seemed to have more value to him although he could still be quite cruel and abusive at times. As I grew into a young woman, he regarded me with less and less value. I could do nothing right no matter how hard I tried. He devalued or ignored his other children as well, choosing the youngest daughter as his “golden child” as she went into the same line of work as him and gave him two grandsons he can manipulate and mold as well. The rest of us have essentially been discarded.
This was a really good video. I've been looking for a decent one on this topic for a while. So, thank you!
Sometimes, once the child has moved out of the narcissistic parent's household (as an adult), they will quickly realize how screwed up the family dynamics were. Once you are exposed to healthy family dynamics on a regular basis, the narcissistic behavior sticks out like a sore thumb. It also blows my mind how the non-narcissistic parent is often abused and yet blamed for all the narcissist's mistakes and abuse. The whole behavior disgusts me and always will.
Lucia Inman Valero it’s unfair and destructive how the other parent is scapegoated and smeared 🐑
I wish Dr.Grande would do a video on this topic.
So true! I never realised how incredibly dysfunctional and abusive my own family was until I got the hell out and met people with *healthy* families! My (now completely estranged) father is a malignant narcissist, and I was the eldest daughter/classic scapegoat of the family. Neither my mum or I could do anything right, while my sister got away with murder. We've all escaped him since then, and my sister is the only one who still even sees him, but she won't trust him with her children. I must agree, I feel such disgust and repulsion for the narcissistic attitude!
neuralmute I don’t wish Malignant Narcissistic family dynamics on anyone 😬 It often makes for a brutal, loveless environment riddled with rivalries and abuse.
@@NarcissisticAbuseRehab Oh, it was! Decades later, my mum and I are still dealing with CPTSD. I find it impossible to trust men, which is actually more okay than it might be, since I've always been pretty queer, but the lack of self-esteem has been crippling. Add on a fairly recent diagnosis on the Autistic Spectrum that explains all the odd traits that I was abused for in the first place... It's hard not to live filled with regret and resentment, and try to keep moving forward instead. But I'm working on it. ;)
neuralmute I’m very moved by your story. I think you and your mother are incredibly brave 💐 I’m happy you had each other in what was probably a psychological war zone. The torture a malignant narcissistic parent inflicts on their scapegoat child and hostage spouse should be criminalized.
Idealize, devalue, discard
Exactly! I've said for awhile that it's impossible for my father to be "proud" of more that one of us at a time...for many years he'd play that emotional pride-of-place against my sister and I...and revel in the competition that we battled with each other for what we saw as "affection"...leaving the other as the disappointment, failure, ungrateful, and expectant "bad" child. I saw him doing this with my own children when they were younger and had to have a serious discussion with both of them to prepare them for his games...explaining that he has mental issues that they need to be aware of. How sad is that?!
when I was 16 - I wrote in my notebook my father worshipped and condemned me in the same breath.
“You perceive things differently.”
“You have something wrong with your mind.”
“Your perception of reality is not normal.”
“You perceive things that aren’t there.”
(My Narc dad)
A perfect definition of gaslighting
He's obviously jealous. Thank God you perceive differently than him!!!!
Are we siblings?! Cause listen…😮
Never said sorry, but rather 'if you see it this way'
My Dad was mean. He always tried and still tries to say I'm crazy. Sometimes he actually says that. Or he ignored us girls. We all have a lot of issues. Drugs, ending up with sociopaths, not on purpose obviously but, yeah. Not allowed to have ANY boundaries. Physical violence at times. The part that hurt me the most was how he always invalidated most of the things I tried to say. Never felt safe to be myself.
I pray for love and healing! I hope you know you deserve much better, no matter how he treated you.
The penny just dropped!!! Thankyou SO MUCH, you have explained my experience PERFECTLY. "Adored today, forgotten tomorrow." I was certainly that. As soon as I became independent during adolescence I was told I was disgusting and physical abuse from my brother was permitted. I was the "perfect child" until I wanted to be me. I'm 40 now and still trying to heal from what happened to me 😢
Me too!
I had a counselor tell me once that our children have just as much right to be as screwed up as we are. He hit the nail on the head with that one.
Lol i had a therapist tell me that if my parents never divorced, then it couldn't have been that bad
Narc Begone Oh but it was! I would have welcomed divorce between my parents.
@@narcbegone1507 For me, this is cruel.
@@harleyanne3720 me too!
My gosh, this is so sad. The level of manipulation is just tragic.
I'm so glad I encouraged my daughter to follow own her potential.
James Vitale king
adopt me
Sahra H ye me too
@Earth Citizen my mother stole my life, my child hood and now she escapes ownership from it by saying I'm responsible for my own decisions.
@Earth Citizen so I have to choose: move forward in agony or be stagnate and suffer.
Resentment and rage are what I have toward my father, too. My father is such a sick man. He admitted that he verbally abused us. His reasoning: it made you tough. He was physically abusive, too. He also has an alcohol use disorder. He has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. He put us down, competed with us, criticized us. He made us suffer all the time. He is sadistic.
The sad thing is such people rob our best years and the joy of life. My father is also like this. My older brother is bipolar because of him, whenever he speaks with my dad his character changes, he can't be himself around him. When we were children I was always very happy when he left the house going to work, he was like a terrorist thirsty for abusing his own children with his presence. I hope you can heal from the abuse. Even a phone call from him makes me feel weird and bad about myself.
The subject on fathers is not spoken of enough. Thank you for your contribution
“[Narc] fathers are not typically considered good fathers, in the way that most people define ‘good’.”
Thank you for both the clarity and the laughter.
Hello Dr. Grande, daughter of a narcissist father here in your comment section for the first time since finding your videos. Thank you for them btw! They're extremely informative for me.
I'm 28 and I've always known that there was something wrong with my father, though I couldn't ever seem to put a name to what it was. Since leaving a toxic relationship four years ago I've put a lot of time into trying to find out what was wrong with the person I was with and ultimately what was wrong with myself, and more importantly my parents. I learned of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder amongst a lot of other things. Only in the past couple of months however have I really found examples of the kind of behavior I remember growing up with. I'm haunted at the realization that my personality doesn't feel like my own but only a reflection of the survival skills I learned from infancy. Anyway, your video really elaborated my thoughts for me and I feel alot better about continuing to put my life on track to understanding myself and my situation better.
The only difference is, with me, I saw right through my dads narcissistic behavior early on. I never idealized my dad. I knew from for as long as I can remember that the way he acted wasn’t normal and wasn’t okay. My mom and I were always very close and she helped me so much. She was just as much a victim as I was, he treated her like a child sometimes too rather than treating her as a wife. We both hate that we love him so much, but I can’t help it. He’s my dad. And the part about the good memories really hit me because I hold onto the moments where we actually had a heart to heart convo for the first time in years or my graduation or band concert etc. the moments where he seemed involved. I lived for them. And I still do... I hate it. I love him so much but I hate him at the same time... He was barely involved in anything at all though for the first 8 or 9 years of my life. He and my mom are still married , but he was living in the same house but it’s like he was never really there. And when he was he wasn’t there mentally. He would be on his computer a lot and I would have to pull up a chair in order to spend time with him. My entire life I’ve been walking on eggshells, and it never gets easier. But as I’ve gotten older , and what not, i began to form my own opinions and I’m very head strong. And I’m NOT AT ALL afraid to call him out. It’s pretty much impossible for me to just let it go when my dad will gaslight me or my mom or when he is hypocritical or unfair or etc. I’ve always been aware my dad wasn’t what a ‘normal’ dad. But everything else you said was on point. About everyone outside of the family, like friends or other people idealizing the father and saying “wow he must be a great dad” and etc. but in my experience I never idealized him, thankfully. But I never have blamed And never will blame my mom for my dads behavior and actions because i know that she was a victim in the situation too. My mom is my rock, my best friend, and she’s the main reason why I even slightly enjoyed my childhood. She has saved my life countless times. Her and I have been able to keep each other sane through the years of BS. I’m now 19 . I still am currently living at home , with them, and one of the main reasons I am still living at home is because I don’t wanna leave her to go through the shit all alone
Your story is very touching. I can understand because my daughter is going through similar feelings like yours. She is only 10. I am trying to be the best mom to my daughter, as much as I can be. Stay strong dear. Always strive to be your authentic self.
girl same to all of this❤️
Me too but I was the only one who was physically abused. I moved out at 18, my mum has free choice. She is not a dog.
Are you me? Everything you described is extremely similar to my case. Sending good vibes your way! You’ve been so strong.
@@redredkroovy I totally understand what you are saying. I can see glimpses of those attempts in my life here and there.
I can't tell if my dad is one or not, but let's just say this pandemic brought out the worst in him😐
I felt this comment.
The pandemic has magnified these bahaviors. Trust your instincts. You know the truth.
Same here.
Same case in my house too,pandemic made everything worst
@@fighty8256 same my dad started "cleaning or de cluttering my clothes things without telling my room now idk how to feel i just wanna run away but i m from pakistan 😢
Same! He uses the pandemic as a control mechanism. I am not living at home anymore, but my mom cannot go anywhere or see any of her friends... it is the worst.
I am actually crying. This is my dad, through and through. He always took, never gave back, but made it seem like he was the best, the blueprint which I should follow. Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy for feeling so emotionally drained by him.
Watching this whole video has made me shake my head over my own father. It describes him to the T. To everyone out there who have also experienced a parent or both parents like this, all my love and prayers go out to you in your journey of healing. You are not alone 🙏🏻 ❤️ 💜 💖
They are sick in the head and cruel and vengeful and will destroy you if you have your own thoughts or personality. They are jealous of their own children and we wait for love from them and live in hope and when they sense that they know they have the power to hurt you. They are incapable of love, they are empty inside. It’s a waste of your life to try and please them and keep them happy. Been there, done that. Look after yourselves, nurture yourselves, make your lives great.
To all the hurt souls I send you love and healing ❤️✨✨✨
Thank you for the video, I would appreciate your take on the cold and distant narcissistic father, the unreachable, critical father who treats his daughter as a non-entity.
Yes, That would be a great video to watch.
That was my father
That was my father too.
My dad made me feel like I had zero worth, with no leeway. Just zero...
My father in a nutshell. He was also addicted to spending money and buying lottery tickets.
This sounds exactly like my father. He would always say, “I only love the part of you that’s me”
I wish my father had had that much insight - he would shout "fake ! fake !" and hit me ("I'll give you something to cry about !") when my "mental problems" weren't *just like his* (he was bipolar I) - turns out I inherited migraine & chronic pain problems *from my mom's mom's side of the family* - not his mania at all ! (Though I spent about 20 years being drugged up and hospitalized as if I *were* manic-depressive ... beginning with meds at age ten ... )
That is sick.
Lucky you - mine literally told me to do myself a favour and never get married and never have kids, when I was a kid :/
You explained my relationship with my father in this video. He is emotionally absent and he has controlled my life. He wouldn’t let me hangout with certain friends, controlled what college I should go too and what major I should pick. He brags about me to all of the people he knows. He controlled my bank account and had a fit when he found out I created my own bank account. He complains about my mom EVERY DAY... which is annoying because my mom is my best friend!! I don’t even want to be around him most days. I’ve had my friends talk about how blessed I am because of my father but no one understands how irritating he can be. I truly feel like he has ruined certain parts of my life where I could have grown as a person. Now I’m struggling to find my own identity.
Dr. Grande,
I have four children three boys and one girl. Their father is very high on the scale for NPD. What I noticed is your video describes to me a narcissistic father with a golden child daughter. In my particular situation, our daughter was the scapegoat so she was not treated in the way that you illustrated here. Our oldest child a son, was treated this way because he was extremely good at athletics And his father was not so he totally lived through him during his high school and college years. My daughter saw through him and she has cut all contact and it has been the smartest thing she ever did. It’s been two years and she has no regrets and is living a very healthy life now.Of course she goes to therapy every week.
I, too, was the scapegoat daughter and my brothers were my father's 'love targets'
I'm so happy for your daughter
So sorry to hear this.... Unfortunately, after actually researching on narcissism I understood my father also has NPD. His narcissistic rage and the control freak he is is literally psycho. Now my dad is 84 and his rage has increased. He’s completely senile like 100%. People will NPD cannot change. They just can’t. It becomes worse in the future. He also to used to beat me up a lot when I was a kid. Insulted and abused me at home. But a gem of a guy in front of others ( outside people ) at social gatherings. When I was a kid I never understood. These people are psychos! Now when a young Male / female has NPD, sorry to say this, they will always cheat and lie on their partners! Since the lack empathy. Narcissists always bring up narcissistic children. Some children try to fight off the mental, physical abuse. The ones who can’t, adopt it.
How did she do it? I need advice
Omg i am in your daughter's exact situation.
Knowing all these tendencies, I see my past and present. My father refuses therapy and believes everyone is against him, lives through me as his favorite, and is mentally abusive by shaming me if I mess up. Time to leave this toxic man to heal properly.
My relationship with my father checks all the boxes. I've identified a therapist. I'll schedule an appointment tomorrow. Thanks for your work. You are saving lives.
When you are treated like background noise but other people talk how highly he values you.... actions don't add up, I turned into something good only because of him.....other people see me as a very Rebel and disrespectful daughter but I'll fight for my humanity!!
Thank you for this video....I really needed to hear this!
I can agree. My dad favored me out of all his kids and complained to me about my mom and even told me things that went on in their marriage at a very young age, which he manipulated me to take sides in their marriage. I had to learn all of this the hard way through several heartbreaks with men. After my last heartbreak, I finally saw my dad for who he really was. I idolized him and when those rose colored glasses fell off it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I realized why I was attached to these bad men and also I realized how “co-dependent” I really was. I never felt loved by my dad or my mom, even the look in their eyes. Empty shells.
Thanks for validating how much we repeat the patterns we learned in our family. It's a tough one.
What is that! Their eyes have no depth or something 🤢 😢
This was a good video. The part that resonated with me the most was the part about the narcissistic father complaining about the mother. My dad does that a lot and I wish he could talk nicely about my mom because I love her and she’s awesome. Anyways, I digress. The one thing I’m curious about is if it’s possible for men to have daddy issues? I myself, as a man, will fully admit right here and now that I have daddy issues. My dad is emotionally distant and it just feels like he never cares. I would like to hear what you think about my question. Thank you for all the insight on narcissistic parental relationships, it truly helps in ways I can’t express.
Its true men desire approval and affirmation from their dads. Sad our sons are experiemcing the same they are 19 and 15. The 19 one is the scape goat and he has ignored him so that he hasnt the boy has distanced from him. I also came to learn about this narcissism recently am trying to come to terms with the craziness.
Yup, men can definitely have daddy issues. Claire Byrd is right in her comment- men with daddy issues are more often than not, very hypervigilant and hypersensitive when it comes to criticism from other men. They are highly likely to display anger towards other men along with hyper-competitive tendencies. Insecurity is another common trait seen in such men. This often manifests itself in tendencies to put other men down.
Anthony Ramirez I think it’s called the Father Wound.
My father did this to my older sister (my mom died when we were young so I guess he needed another scapegoat...) causing huge fights and chaos between both me and my sister and my sister and my dad. My sister always blamed me for being the favorite while I felt like I just had a good or 'normal' relationship with him. I really, really hated my sister for years. She wasn't always an angel but she didn't deserve his wrath and eventually exclusion. I guess he thrived under 'divide and conquer' so to speak. I didn't realize all this till maybe just a few months ago and it's really hard to admit that I didn't see it all these years growing up. But I also know I shouldn't blame myself for his manipulation. Children are literally evolutionarily wired to not question their parents. Children have no options. Now me and my sister have no relationship at all, while it all could have been so different. I hope I can restore this one day.
What about the absent father due to drug and alcohol abuse? And how to help children thru this?
Actually, my father was never there for me. I was invisible, dismissed, belittled etc Extremely controlling, oh yes.
I distance myself from him as much as possible now.
I broke up the 'relationship', because there is none...
Good, i try to do the same. He tries coming back into my life
To the OP; exact same here. While my father would take my brother skiing every winter weekend; or hiking in the fall, of renting jetski's for a weekend at Block Island....I was NEVER asked, nor was ever expecting to be asked to be included. My Mom keeps trying to drill it into my head that it's not because my brother is loved more by my father-but rather-"boy's just get along and have more in common with their Dad's."
Me too
@@kemeee5407 if it helps any it was the same way with me.
Now I have a whole new understanding of my daughter's relationship with her father. Understanding this is helping me a great deal. Thank you!
I realised that, when my father called me ungrateful he really meant disobedient. That was liberating! He also forced me to learn violin when I really loved piano. My healing is his biggest injury. My soul is whole again and he can't touch it.
I just decided that to maintain a good relation with my dad, I need to spend very little time with him. I love him but he kills all my joy.
My father used to be so critical of me, pick on how I pronounced words. He’d pick on me at the table and I was so terrified waiting for him to shout at me. He’d watch my every move waiting and wanting me to do something wrong. I developed severe anxiety and would breathe in a panicky way....then he’d pick on THAT! I was then love bombed with gifts. So confusing. I also developed eating problems through association. He was the enabler to my narc mother’s bullying. A coward. I forgave him years before his death but I’ve never visited his grave. He didn’t respect me as a person. I was a possession.
My dad treated me the opposite...like I was subhuman. He criticized, condemned, demeaned me so much I stuttered for several years. I have avoided him most of my life. When my 28- year marriage ended, with my ex actually complying with theorist's suggestion of taking polygraph which revealed he had 8 affairs, my dad took the stance that it (divorce) was my fault, so he wrote me a 7 page letter outlying all of my faults...ends up he listed 28 flaws I have. I know I have my faults, but have come to believe that certain men hate women.... Like Trump. misogynist men have harmed women and innocent girls so much. P.S. I had a garage sale a few years back, and a woman wanted some of the books I had on narcissism, lying, et al, I stacked up 22 such books and gave them to her, saying I was done with the toxic stuff. Truth is, however, once you're harmed by the mentally impaired predators, you're affected for life. The npds are soul murderers, and resources like your channel help provide some answers.
Stay strong..you deserve to be happy as much as anyone
You sound fairly narcissistic yourself. Making your husband of 28 years take a lie detector test to find out if he'd been cheating or not isn't the actions of a normal person. After 28 years you should *know* if your partner is cheating or not. And I defy *any* marriage to survive when one of the partners has collected *22* books on narcissism over the years. *That* in itself must have had a deleterious effect on your marriage. That's a lot of books on one subject. But I bet you're getting really good at spotting narcissists now, right?
Good for you. Discard the toxic and toxic opinions.
@@nodiggity9472You must be the father 😒 ..just can't stop criticizing her huh? Just HAD to add another nasty judgement to the list. You seem to like to bash women judging from your comment. I wish i knew who you were so i can see how much of a perfect person you are. 🤨
Damn once I knew the true meaning of narcissist I had a feeling my dad might be one, luckily during my middle/high school years I was independent enough to notice what a crock of shit he was. He still hasn’t changed and I’m now 20. He’s only there for eventful stuff when people are watching, but when I need his full attention or now for medical attention to the point I need to go to the hospital he doesn’t do shit but stare and leaves to watch tv like nothing happened. He would openly say nasty things about my mom when I was as young as 5 and still now continues degrading her. I completely understand now that I’m older what my mom was saying about my dad was true and even though it’s fucked up to say, i understand why she cheated on him. The only thing that’s weird now since I’m older is my dad creepily talks about porn/pornstars or throws on a porno movies and talks about it. Even tried talking about my sex life all creepy. Like i get some parents talk to their children about sex life but at least other people’s family aren’t creepy about it or very personal about it knowing everything fucking thing. And he also wants to know my friends sex life which is fucking gross, you don’t ask your daughter’s friends sex life or show your daughter straight up porn. Fucking CREEPY!!!! It’s to the point he makes me uncomfortable and weirds me out where I don’t ever want to touch him or allow him to touch me. I wouldn’t even allow him near my kids unless I’m in the same room(if i have any). He’s fucking gross.
I agree. You father is very gross. Yuck!
Wouldn't it be best for your emotional and mental well-being to stay away from him entirely. So you can start your journey of selfworth and rediscovery
Get away from him. My parents were too open about sex and porn too, its gross and just wrong.
@@xero6396 sorry you had to go through that.
you need to stay away from him. I wrongly thought I could not be molested as an adult. My mother's husband would try to "accidentally" touch my waist when I gave him a quick hug goodbye. GROSSSS!!!!!! get out!!!!!
he never lets you authentically appreciate, value, and enjoy life. always on his own terms.
Thank you for posting. It took me nearly 40 years to discover that my father is narcissistic and my mum his right hand man. I too adored my father as a girl. My sister was the scapegoat and he totally ignored and dismissed her. As she is not his biological daughter. Cracks started to appear on this perfect picture he was trying to hold up when I switched to a different career path later in life. I didn't understand he was so rude and dismissive about my choice. Now I am a parent myself, I only just realise what a destructive family we were. He totally ignores me and our daughter but if we are in public or with friends he is perfectly charming.. It's still painfull.
Wow! This completely describes my dad.. I was always confused on why he would help me then seemed jealous and say I had succeeded because of him.
Dr. Grande: “I’m really here today to focus on the possessiveness, the over involvement, of the narcissistic father”. Me (daughter of a dismissive narcissistic father): “Typical.” 😞
Its very hard to be your own person when your an extension of a dad like this. So self serving
Same here
Right?!?! This video was a complete waste of time in my case.
Thank you Dr Grande! These videos are helping me sort out my past. One type you didn't mention is when the narc father vilifies the daughter. He decided at one point (when I was quite young) that I was a "slut" (not true), and accused me of sleeping with everyone in town. In later years I found a dirty book in his garage about a young girl who was sleeping with everybody in town. I believe he pasted this character over me, and he seemed to actually believe it. He would shout and yell about things that were not true, and gave me complexes. These videos help me to unravel the nonsensical ravings of his mental illness. I always wanted to make sense of him, but there is no sense to be made when you have a moving target, with his defenses adjusting to every situation. He's gone now, but he left many scars.
Sihayajoni same here it’s crazy
My father called me a slut too even though it was not true. I married my first boyfriend.
This sounds much more like bpd!!
@@KasieMusic can you elaborate on that?
@@Sihayajoni BPDs have the trait of believing they have a sort of psychic skill and know unknown things about other people - so e.g. my BPD mom would tell me she knows in my heart I don't want to marry my husband (I did want, of course), or when I complained about sexual harassment at work would tell me she feels strongly the harasser is the right guy to marry and she always knew I would marry someone at work (didn't happen, luckily other people helped me out) - also very often accusing me and other family members of very nasty intentions etc., this is typical BPD, a little paranoid. So your description of your dad reading about a "slut" girl and then believing he identified you as a slut, matches BPD really well. I've never heard about anything the like with NPD (but I'm not a specialist).
This is painfully accurate. He 'liked' me only when I adored him and felt ashamed and personally attacked when I did not perform well academically or didn't act the way he wanted. Of course all my natural feelings were disregarded. In the same time he bad-mounthed my mother and felt justified to sabotage my relationship with her, always felt jealous when I spent time with her and shamed me for wanting to be close to her. He did the same with my brother and he grew up disrespecting our mother and idealizing the father. Once I told my brother he is just like our dad, he wanted to hit me? If he was so ideal why did he get offended? And if our dad was so perfect why was he drunk all the time, why did he disregard our mother all the time? I was self-diagnosing and researching all those diagnosis to find out why I have trouble with relationships and self-identity, but this is a explanation that really fits. Thank you for your proffecionalism and thorough explanation!
My dad left when I was 4, came back when I invited him to my wedding at 25. He never apologized and continued to insult me, demean me, and expect me to serve him and unconditionally love him. He was never at fault but heaped fault upon me. We no longer speak and he doesn't care.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
However I'm trying to understand why you would want someone you basically don't know at your wedding? It's just blood ties at that point.
@@misshoneynevercame4832 It's her dad. It's not like, a distant cousin or a long lost friend or a childhood teacher or something, it's a parent so it's different; even if you haven't seen them in years.
I have a similar situation. Last month, I finally reunited with my father who I haven't seen in 2O years; he visited when I was 6, left, and never came back. My dad did apologize, but he also insulted me and my husband and the goals I have for my life, blamed his absence nearly completely on my mom, and is controlling AF. I'm about ready to cut him off already, he seems to be a narc just like my mom! Something inside of me thought he would be a healthy parent...I guess I was wrong! 😔
I substituted “father” for mother & you are SPOT ON! Being raised by a narc mom it’s done a number on me & Im 46! I have Bpd & cptsd. Thanks for your video
My dad is for sure one.. I want to hate him but I love him so much. I’m never good enough for him. I constantly crave his approval, but will never get it.
This whole description fit my relationship with my dad perfectly. I NEVER thought he was the narcissistic... but this explains SO much. Thank you
LOL this man just spoke my entire relationship with my father out loud
I used to know an alex by accident long ago and she was just as beautiful but I messed that up like a young dummy
WOW. This video is SPOT on, I’m in tears, it’s all so clear and this was my life. Sad.
My dad to a T. I'm working with a Therapist to help turn that critical dad voice into my own uplifting voice. (Not sure how else to phrase that, sorry if it's unclear.) Love these informative videos. Thanks. ^_^
Mechele Mede I'm working on the exact same thing! Way to go!! 💜💜💜☺️☺️☺️
@@diamondsngunns88 Ditto. Thanks! ^_^
OMG, I totally understand that internal voice thing! Some days are better than others and sometimes I think I'm going nuts...but I have to remember that I'm not (depite his best efforts) and keep moving forward! Stick with it, you're not alone!
how did u find that therspist
@Wendy Larson Massive sympathy and empathy for you. Have you tried talking to a therapist about this? It may be helpful.
My dad says insulting things followed with a "I'm just joking". Eventually, I started responding: "A half-joke is a half-truth". He would not stop being abusive, so I don't have any contact with him. Life has improved, and I'm less angry these days.
Dear Dr. Grande, thank you very, very much for this helpful video. Signs number 1, 3, 4 and 5 are what I have experienced in my live. I had to reinvent/reconstruct a great part of my identity in my 30s and 40s to survive as a person because that merged identity doesn't fit to my nature in most parts. I was at the end of my rope with it. Extremely painful experience, the whole thing almost killed me.
Mrs. Reluctant I'm so glad you made it through 💜💜💜
I felt like this entire video was used as a real life example of life with my dad. Thank you for this. Although it’s sad, it’s nice to connect to something and have all that confusion cleared up.
It's absolutely breaks my heart. After watching this video I came to the realization as too why my 13-year-old daughter has suddenly pulled away from me and seems to hold some resentment towards me. What's even sadder is the Narcissistic father has sole custody and we live across state from each other. Lord help me! 🙏
Thank you for making this information available, even though it's gut-wrenching, it is also very eye opening.
thank you so much for making this video. almost every sentence described my experience of my family dynamic and relationship with my father. i was really close with him growing up, and am a highly emotionally sensitive person so i really felt for him in ways and believed in his ideas about the world...in my teens, i was in such an identity crisis (looking back in hindsight) back then i had no idea what was going on and could only describe it as feeling 'lost'. i believe this manifested into severe depression, that i didn't get help for for several years, out of fear for what it would mean for my family - i thought they would think i was lying and just causing trouble. when i eventually got help in my early 20s, i took my dad with me into some of my therapy sessions, and had hope for him to get help at times. i believe it's always good to maintain as much compassion and kindness for others as you can. for years during my depression, i hated my dad and really grieved my lack of identity. but i've come to acknowledge the great pain and misery a person must be in to live with such a disorder/traits and i hope the best for him as much as i can. i am still healing, but i've never come across such a succinct and exact explanation of how this dynamic can play out, and how it did in my experience...all the best to anyone out there who's suffered in any of these ways xx
We always thought my dad was narcissistic growing up while my mum was 'the victim', yet my father hits only some narcissistic characteristics while my mum hits 9/9.
I heard someone say couples that are together a long time where there's an overt narc, the other spouse is convert (the victim) but actually enables the overt.
Same. 😳
Same here, I was caught up in the illusion my mum is an innocent victim, a gentle angel suffering from a wicked abuser & tyrant (my dad was that way to me)... But I was in the dark about my mother's rampant narcissism. It worsened with age, she's not just grandiose but highly toxic. And I came to see the vulnerable side of my father, as well as his gentle side. Our relationship is so much better these days, although there's no intimacy or emotional bond (my dad's issues preclude that), and nowadays I find more support in him than ever (and in my mum). The thing I realized recently is that trying to be close with the mother lead to a lot of pain & upholding my illusions about her
I am very sure my father is narcissistic. And my mother was always a victim. He abused her 1000 times physically mentally... he have no respect for her nor me. He only does dark empathy to manipulate us. And he pretends to be a good person outside. He only feels 2% guilt for his mistakes and doesn't mind to make more...
Thank you! First video that describes the kind of father - daughter relationship I had. Narcissistic fathers are many times described as only distant and critical, but my father was more enmeshed and possessive. Everybody saw our relationship as tight and close, and didn't see how there was some important emotional connection missing. I didn't understand that either at the time, and realized it much later. That last point was difficult in my teenager years, my father complained to me about everyone and I shared his ideas about how some other people were keeping him down, but I couldn't share that about my mother. I tried to understand my father's viewpoint and thought I did, and at the same time I tried to understand my mother's too. I had the safest attachment to my mother and couldn't afford to lose that, so I was left in between my parents. Later I've understood that my father painted many lies about my mother (about some intimate stuff too), and so I still saw my mother falsely even though I tried to understand her standpoint. My mother never burdened me with her issues of their relationship, so my view was skewed.
Wow. Thank you so much. I am grateful for this video. My whole life I knew something was off. I was in emotional distress blaming myself. You have confirmed what I needed to hear and know. 7/7 fit and now I can finally move on and not feel guilty about trying to be independent. Thank you so much ❤ This video is super well put together. Am definitely relieved.
#6 and 7 could sum up my entire relationship with my dad. My dad is constantly insulting my mother (separated) and shaming me anytime I show any characteristic that seems too similar to her. If my mom makes a mistake or says something he doesn’t like then I face that wrath and get scolded for her choices, despite the fact that her choices and mistakes affect me just as much as they do him.
Anytime I express excitement over an accomplishment it’s immediately shut down bc I’m being “annoying” or a “know it all”. I’m glad I realized what was happening fairly early on so now I can try to mend my worldview and way of interacting with other people. He ruined the way I saw myself for a long time and I still have to catch myself and remember to be kind.
“You’re just like your mother.”
“Thank you.”-me
“It wasn’t a compliment.”
“It is to me.”- me
“Figures.That’s part of what’s wrong with you. Mommy’s defender.”
“Sure.”-me
My dad was/is a narcissist. You never feel like they see you as a real person.
This resonates.
One of the strange thing about living with a narcissist is that you begin to ask yourself whether you are the narcissist. I feel both relieved and crushed to realize my daughter probably has it after watching this video
What about the narcissistic indifferent father? That sounds like my dad 100%, never knew what was wrong with him (other than ocd and agoraphobia)
My dad was aloof and narcissistic. He was a WW2 vet, would scream and rage, constantly demean us, and threaten me if I quarreled with my younger sister who was his favorite. I loved the piano and I still remember him coming in while I was practicing and saying to me in a rough voice, "Dont you have anything better to do? Clean this house!". A therapist told me to forgive him because he was crazy from the war. My dad never forgave me for moving out of state, didnt speak to me for years.
This was a really well-articulated mix of so-called or perceived "good" qualities and actions of this type of father, with alternating and/or later discard/ disinterest/ disrespect/ discouragement/ / gaslighting/ abandonment which constitute an overall atmosphere of abuse, when viewed at the end of the day..
When viewed at mid-life.
I wrote poems about all of this starting at age 8, began asking spiritually-oriented questions at age 9, acted out in a small way and then became a model child & student & daughter for the next 7 years. As a child I was my Mother's confidant & emotional suppprt. As a young woman, I was my father's confidant & emotional support.
As a middle-aged woman, I had to face the fact that my father was actively, covertly trying to kill my mother, and to make her feel she was crazy and in danger of being committed to an asylum in the meantime. Among other evidence of these things were my mother's frequent JOKES about this!! She had a measure of awareness about his motives.
It's all so incredibly sad. All of the beautiful qualities we all could have cultivated and expessed out into the world...
My father died after orchestrating both his maximum legacy of what a great guy he was - with the public, with extended family and friends - and his maximun revenge on really the entire immediate family, with me as the primary target, my mother as the secondary target, and plenty of venom and propaganda to create a permant rift between my brother and me (visibly) and my mother (covertly).
It's all so incredibly sad and wasteful.
This is my narcissistic ex husband with our 7-year-old daughter. The parts that she has been old enough to experience are spot on. If nothing else, this validates everything I have experienced. I pray for her constantly because she still idolizes him and I worry so much about her future relationship with him (and me!). Thank you for the video!
THINGSwill change,when she become a teenager or want to be her own independent self.That is what happened to me.. You don,t want him telling you how to dress all the time and canT have a boyfriend! Among many other things gs!
Is it getting any better? My 13 year old daughter & her narc father, my ex, are spot on with this video. Unfortunately my daughter too is severely narcissistic.
I hope there's hope!!
This video helped me not feel crazy. My heart is broken, but now I can heal. Thank you.
I think my dad was a narcissist but he was indifferent to me. So this doesn’t help me. I was never good enough.
Same here.
He disapproved of anything I did or didn't.
Dismissed, ignored, belittled or scolded and criticised.
My whole life I tried to please him and never succeeded.
Not once.
He died 5 years ago. I cried because I did not succeed to get his love or appreciation.
I wondered why my relationships were not successful.
Only now, at age 62 (!!!) do I realize what happened to me. SLDD self love deficiency disorder.
It's time to get to know myself. The last 5 years were the happiest time in my life. ❤
You really nail this one because it describes exactly what happened to my daughter.She turned against me when he divorced me.I had enough counseling to realize his game.Please tell how a mother can win her daughter back from this ongoing manipulation.
Your videos are always so consistently well-done. This platform is so fortunate to have you on here.
You speak as if you know my father, but what really upsets me about your words is the fact that there are a few or many more of these men than just my dad. I hate my father so much, and it really saddens me that there may be people out there who did not turn out as well as I did, and I have been diagnosed with mental illness as a result of my upbringing. How could I allow this horrible man to die without me killing him first is beyond me, but I know that he did not make it to the after life, which does give me a great sense of peace. Thanks for all you say. It does heal me in some ways but frightens me in others. How many of us have to suffer because we can not get out of the control of a narcissist? I wish I was the only and last one...
After about 3 years of therapy because of the way my dad reacts to my spouse, everything you say in this video WAS my experience. I’m happy to say you can unravel this and feel free of these chains with awareness of it and intention to heal yourself ❤. Thank you for putting this out.
But how to recover or protect against this type of personality?
@@samf.s8786 that’s why i do prefer dogs
Step1 - Grey Rock
Step 2 -No contact
Step 3 -Therapy
Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is definitely effective in healing.
@@aishwaryas5734 be careful with therapy. Make sure to vet the therapist bcuz alot of therapist are narcs themselves. Or pretend to know nothing about narcissism.
Oh my God it's like he's talking about my Dad! "You girls are beautiful, dress nicely because I like showing you off"; "Don't pick at the pimples on your face, you'll leave marks. Pick anywhere else, pick at your chest if you have to but just not your face" ; "I brought my good camera, I want to get plenty of good pictures" "Are you XYZ's daughter? Your father is amazing, he saved my husband. What a good, kind man" "It was your mother's fault I got together with my girlfriend. All she does is play games on her phone when I come home" "Tell your mother to cut her hair short, she looks better with it short" ; " When you go to the shops make sure your mother doesn't spend alot of money"; "Look after the family whilst I stay at your grandmother" "Your water's been cut off? Not my problem, report it to the police". Interspersed with confusing memories of happy conversations about Science, History and Philosophy. Happy memories of watching movies together and long dinner discussions, him telling us to go to parties and that we don't have to get As as long as we tried our hardest. Admired and shown off as pretty, clever little dolls and then abandoned.
Oh man these all hit the nail on the head for me. Videos like this always help me think more about my past and help me uncover some things I was unaware of.
You hit all of these head on. As the eldest daughter with a younger sister, this rang so true. You just summarized my life with my father.
Seeing this clearly has brought me so much relief and to QUIT chasing rainbows that aren’t there. I no longer have to keep jumping through hoops and trying to make that relationship work