*Hypercritical *Micro-managing *3 second fuse(impatience) *Talking over everything you try to say *Ranting/shouting/yelling * Condescending/talking down to you *Know-it-all *Everything done their way is the ONLY & BEST way *Lazy *Entitlement for just about everything *Late for everything/disorganized/no concept of time *Gets angry when refused sex/pressures and won't take NO for any answer *Self-centred *No interest in doing anything with their children unless THEY enjoy it too *Disagrees with EVERY tiny little thing *Monitors food shopping/money/demands to see receipts *Anything that goes wrong .... YOU are to blame *NEVER ever holds themselves responsible for anything. EVER. Sound familiar, anyone...??
@@chrtyhwrd sweetheart, if you recognize these qualities in your fiance ... don't marry him! I don't care how charming he is now, eventually you will feel trapped. He will kill your love, because he is really only capable of loving himself. You deserve someone who can really love you. You are better than this. Every woman posting has SUFFERED, please don't stay with him. Find another life without him.
After 29yrs I finally walked away.. With nothing but my two late teen sons . It took me a further 7yrs to get the divorce from him . I have never had a partner since.. everything you have said was me for all those years even after walking away. Now I see him doing the exact same to someone else and there is nothing you can do to tell them.. At least now all including his family believe me.. My sons say best thing I did was have the guts to walk away.. I could right a book.. I have my dignity and the love of my sons and now daughter in laws and grandaughter he has non of that..
Oh,bless everyone who had guts to get out of this drama trap!!! Healing after relationship with narcissist is another tough journey,but its woth it.The hardest part is to rediscover your core and find therapist who knows ins and outs of consequences after narcisstic abuse.
Oh the stories I could tell of my 13 years spent walking around like a zombie, asking myself what else I could possibly do to make him happy. The mental and emotional abuse of living with his passive/aggressive personality is even now hard to talk about. Then one day, he said he was leaving because I didn’t do enough to make him happy. A few days later, I realized he’d just done me the biggest favor of my life.
@@nancyparker4038 … lol… mine was pissed because I didn’t iron a crease into the leg of the pants he wore TO THE GYM. I started leaving them in the laundry basket and told him to iron them himself.
I am 70 years old and you have explained so accurately why my marriage failed. It brings such peace answers years of questions. Thank you very very much it is actually a kindness
I'm in the same boat. I wish this information had been around 50 years ago. All the years I wasted thinking I was the problem. Wish I had those years back!
I remember there were times I’d be driving home from work & it was always in back of my mind & also a worry “what kind of mood he would be in today.?” It was so terrible 😣
This takes my breath away. My ex-husband did all of those things and I was constantly confused and lonely. Until I was discarded, I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. He was also a mean alcoholic and I was terrified of him. The day he left I changed the locks on the house and got on my knees and thanked God for delivering me from him.
I literally feel ill and I want to cry. After 20 yr relationship, that was confronting and hard to listen too, but oh so clarifying. It wasn’t all in my head 😭😭 Thank you, Dr.
I had awakening when I had a woman from a loving marriage tell me that my husband is mean to me. I honestly did not know until she pointed out things that he would do was not right. They tend to isolate you from other relationships, so that people are not seeing how badly they treat you and often don't want to be around other people with you. They lead two lives. Seek God and prayer for the new beginning that you deserve....Especially now with finding family members that can help support you.
They mind play you wich is the worse because you start questioning your self and take all his faults to your own self esteem and can be very damaging, but I always quote a Bible verse Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay and give comfort to know that God knows what is going on and some day God will ask about how you treat your wife.
It's a slap in the face. I'm grieving and it's hard when he is here. It's like I married an imaginary friend. He allows his children to treat me horribly. They used to be so sweet. Over the years they have been taught to treat me as their scapegoat. I am a Christian and I know God will help me. And I am grateful for that because this is a nightmare. His twisting everything and the lies are crazy! I never knew that people could be in "character" all the time. I don't know him. It's really violating. I'm not sure about what I think about anyone anymore. God bless us all in Jesus name Amen. I really feel like every comment is gut wrenching. I'm so sorry ladies.
I can’t breathe. My ex-husband had all ten of these traits. When he started to encourage the children to mock me, I was done. Well, I was done way before that, but that is when I doubled down on my efforts to get out. Not as easy as it sounds when you have been isolated from all financial and emotional support and you have no finances of your own,
Stay strong, I am speaking out of personal experience ,when treated unfairly we may become resentful and bitter pls try avoiding this even though it's hard resentment will make us more self-centered . If possible forgive your oppressor it helped me heal. Have nice day I will pray for you
I don't if there is any scientific evidence for this, I speak out of my personal experiences. I have faced child abuse and trauma. It was only when I forgave my father I began to heal. Also finding out that he too had an abusive father made me sympathize with him. Secondly, I found that resentment lead bitterness and higher irritability, etc. I too felt I was slowly becoming bad in my character, so I weeded out resentful thoughts and forgave my father. It did start a healing process. This still defects me to this every day, but I am fortunate to have good company and friends which helps. Hope you get healed
MaryAnne, I totally understand. Please look for online support groups or keep on watching these videos. Treat your life as though you’re going to rebuild from the ground up- starting with yourself. Practice extreme self care to know yourself, to establish boundaries and techniques to manage stress. I will send positive energy your way.
Nailed it, especially 9 and 10. I had 35 years of this, thinking my marriage vows meant more than my own happiness. I've been free 7 years and only just starting to feel that I exist aged 61.
This is where I am now. I think my marriage vows and my son growing up in a two-parent household means more than my own happiness. I’m praying for the courage to move out and divorce him and live in peace!
@@TheMissQuadiaGirl, I told myself this, thinking my kids didn't see. Until my two younger ones (13 and 15) told me to please get a divorce. They lobe their dad, but said he makes me miserable and they want their mom back, and he doesn't treat me well. It set me free. 22 years of bullshit.
You 100% just described my ex-husband perfectly. I was overweight when we got married and he wasn’t negative about it. On our honeymoon, he was in a bad mood and I asked him what was wrong and he said, “Well, I’m with the fattest person on the cruise!”. That’s when it started. We were married 18 years. The truth is, I should have come home from that honeymoon and filed for an annulment, but I didn’t. In the beginning of our marriage, he became physically abusive with me twice. The first time, he reached over and pull my hair as hard as he could. The second time, he slapped me right in the face. I had one thing over him which was that he has a phobia about Police and being arrested and going to jail, even though he never had been. So, I threatened him that if he ever physically assaulted me again, I would call the Police and file charges on him and he’d be arrested. I also had many family members in law enforcement too, so that really solidified that threat. He never again was physically abusive, but because he couldn’t harm me physically…….he made up for it with his verbal assaults. He said things to me you’d never say to your worst enemy, let alone your wife and Mother of your child. I then found out about his affairs at about year 17. He wouldn’t admit it for the longest time and when he finally did, he then blamed ME for it and said, “Well, I mean what did you expect? You’re so fat and not fuckable!”. He didn’t like it whenever anyone paid me compliments. He’d say, “You know that they’re just being nice. They don’t really mean it.”. He would buy me expensive jewelry and stuff on my Birthday and at Christmas and Valentine’s Day, but it wasn’t long until I realized he did that for himself too. He’d say, “Hey, show your family what I bought you for your Birthday!”. It wasn’t about how he felt about me, it was about how it made HIM look. Like, “See? I am a good husband and buy her nice things even though she doesn’t deserve it because she’s fat and stupid!”. He also called me stupid and dumb too. Long story short, I got out finally. I am now married to a wonderful man who treats me like I deserve to be treated. After I ended it with my ex, I realized that I wasn’t the problem…..he was. So, I never blamed myself and always knew I deserved more and that I had done nothing to bring on his horrible words. It was his sickness. I also realized that no matter what I did, it still wouldn’t have been good enough. He still would’ve found fault with something I did, and that’s no way to live. I also knew I had to forgive him and had to forgive myself too for not being a better advocate to myself by allowing someone to treat me like he had. I had began walking 3 miles daily at this point and started praying during those walks. At first, I was so full of anger at all of it, but mostly at the years I’d wasted with him. Day by day, walk by walk, and step by step, I was able to release it all and forgive him. I no longer felt anger towards him. I knew I was healed when I found myself truly wanting his happiness, although I knew it probably wasn’t possible. I don’t think narcissists are ever satisfied or capable of complete happiness. He’s remarried again and has 2 sons. He doesn’t have much to do with our son anymore, but that was because my son knew who he REALLY was and he didn’t like that. What’s funny is that years later, he asked my son once how his Mom was doing. My son told him, “Mom is doing GREAT. She’s got a great job.”. He asked him, “Really? What kind of job could SHE get?”. My son told him, “She’s a Probation Officer.”. He just said, “Oh, well good then. What about dating? Is she seeing anyone? He’d have to like big women.”. My son answered, “Oh, no……she’s lost a lot of weight and looks good! You know, she’s always been beautiful, which people have said over and over, but she’s now thin and beautiful. Yes, she’s engaged to a really great guy who’s a Police Officer!”. My son said the look on his Dad’s face was absolutely PRICELESS!!! Karma is a beautiful thing.
This is really inspiring. I think with verbal abuse, we kind of eat our emotions and stay fat to avoid being seen. I know if I ever look good, my husband doubles down on the controlling and mean comments.
Terrific!! You're such a strong person to have known who you were & not allow the bs insults he'd say to you shape you into that person. I hope you continue to thrive.
You've just explained my husband to a tee! I left him twice, the third time I left him, I never looked back. He made my life a living horror. The children were unhappy too. It's been 20 years now, best decision I've ever made.
Hi carrol,I did the same went back third time said he had changed ,but after a few months it started now I’m out of it thank god good luck with your life Ann
I am living a hell I never saw coming. I married him 10 yrs ago. I have 4 children. He is disrespectful, hateful and everything in this video. Not until recently did I discover He was a narcassist. He is ALWAYS the victim. He puts my kids down and IM SICK of it. Sadly I'm disabled due to the PTSD He has bestowed upon me and I'm gg through breast cancer. I have become someone u don't recognize. I'm sinking deeper in my room without wanting anyone around me. I can't take this drama anymore -- feeling hopeless
@@charitytodd22 Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
This didn't work well the very 1st time this behavior was presented to me, I SHUT it all down. Vocally speaking my truth of what I had observed and demanding explanation on behavior, This was right after LOVEBOMBING stopped, I was watching everything, HE told me he loved me after 1 WEEK, huh, ok whatever, But he also thought I was in LOVE with him.. I WAS NOT...... I LET HIM HAVE IT VERBALLY, . BROKE HIS MASK ID SAY AND ENDED RELATIONSHIP, HE refused to return my belongings, said he dropped my things at local GAS STATION. I told him KEEP THEM. and I an a CCWs licensed holder, I haven't seen or heard from him since. Thank GOD.
@@teesahurt2074 You are lucky he showed you so soon. I think covert narcs can hide it longer, sometimes it doesn't come out til after you are married awhile.
@@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327 yeah I TOOK PSYCH CLASSES WHEN IN COLLEGE YEARS AGO. I KNEW THINGS WERE GOING TO FAST AND I JUST PAYED CLOSE ATTENTION AND DIDNT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THINGS HE TOLD ME. I would questions him about NOT DOING WHAT HE SAID... THEN I Just went off on him. I told him about his self. And ended the relationship. But it still had me tripping because I was looking for the endorphins. The high he gave me from all the LOVEBOMBING. .. he did not like what I said. I have not heard or seen him since. But I still have my 380 loaded and red to go.. lol. Just in case
I can relate to this...he remarried and was/is cruel 20 some thing years down the track. It is an unbearable pain to live with. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Mine also turned my two sons against me, but I know I was a good mother. I have shed many tears with a broken heart. I should of left him years ago but I stayed because I thought my sons needed their daddy. I was wrong. I hope you realize how special you are and can move on and believe in yourself.
Alicia, my husband used to say, "If I don't know it, it's not known." And when I asked him if we could go to a counselor or therapist, he said, "You go. You're the one with the problem." I wanted to scream out, "But you're my problem." Of course, I didn't.
Wow! I was married to one 27 years and didn’t know the psychological name for what I went through until after I divorced him. Dr you were spot on. Now I know I wasn’t losing my mind.
Ditto for 40 years. 8 years out. Happy. Reminders and reviews from time to time help. Dr Grande gave as perfect a description as I’ve ever read-and I’ve read lots.
I hear you. I am so sorry you had to go through that for so long as well. I have felt so much shame, and have gaslighted myself so much (it ran deep after years of living it, to question my own experience) so long after my almost 20 year relationship with mine (over five years ago now). To admit to not even have known what I lived while in it, such a hard thing to wrap my head around. I felt stupid, and although it was often hard and for sure left me like a shadow of my former self with zero self esteem as a result. I could not see that how he manipulated, gaslighted, used, betrayed, was entitled, often subtly and over time , was abuse then. So let us just say that now I would never tell a woman after not having known what I lived myself were abusive, ”so why didn’t she leave earlier if he was that bad”. Never. Because I know now that the confusion of first being great, then mixing the bad with good sides, and slowly normalizing manipulation and wearing you down over time, makes you at times feel like you maybe are the problem or that perhaps you aren’t worth more. Because that is what the normalization process does to you over time. It confuses and wears you down. And you don’t even see it happening. So darn scary that process. I wish I had been taught the red flags of narcissistic personalities before we even met in my early twenties. Could have saved me many years, my health and money.
It took me 10 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Additionally, There are many ways to find out what someone is hiding from you in their phones. These several ways only need the assistance of someone who has the knowledge spying and can hack into phones and social media. For help, contact Metaspyhub@gmail. com for ass!stance.
I had to fix things around the house when he was gone and I would not tell him because he couldn't stand the fact I new how. To this day he doesn't know what my last job was for 6 years or what I did before that and we've been married almost 30 years.
Dont ever try to fix these narc relationships. RUN And never listen to any communication in support of it! Shockingly there's many a narc out there and with experience, self education, controlling emotion you just may find a compatible partner. Otherwise, your better off standing on your own and living a healthier life. Dont get sucked into a narcs life. Excellent presentation Dr. Grande!
and I actually thought most men were like that... Mine gets jealous even if they are sick and need my care through the night...sometimes he checks himself other times he stays mad and leaves mad.
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
I’m doing the no contact as much as possible because I’m still living with him after 16 years. Now it seems like I’m the one withholding everything and I feel guilty like I’m retaliating, but I need boundaries.
Quicktake: 1 Infidelity - sense of entitlement to something better 2 Controls her appearance 3 Her emotional needs are neglected - no true connection 4 Encourages children to disrespect her 5 Only his choices matter - no give and take 6 Jealous of other men 7 Envious of wife’s success 8 Doesn’t listen to her- and his responses are all about HIM 9 Downplays her contribution of taking care of household and children 10 Views her as his personal support tool - all about his needs
34 for me. free at last. The words were not out there, the net not available. You can't know it if there is no language for it. Dr Ramani's videos are great, too.
I was engaged to a narcissistic douche bag, he made my life a living hell. I’m so glad I did not pull that marriage trigger, thank you for this great video
My dad checked all of these boxes. I always knew my mom was incredible because in spite my dad’s terrible selfishness, she was a warm and caring mother. You used one word that I always used when describing my dad. He never casually inquired about things. It was always an INTERROGATION.
@@ruthhase-gutierrez9830 Yes. It was either that or , “What are you hiding”? It kind backed me into a corner of becoming a liar so I could maintain some sense of privacy and then when I hated that trait in myself, I became an oversharer because I wanted people to know I had nothing to to hide. Funny how living with a narcissist can shape a personality in all kinds of negative ways.
Once the patterns are recognized, the love you once thought was a positive, becomes a drain on your life. As the rose colored glasses come off, so does your hope for a healthy outcome.
That’s where I am. While Packing and Quietly Pretending I May Stay if,... I cannot wait to Be Gone I am Wondering if they are Even Capable of Pretending Spirituality, Even Reading the Scriptures and Praying, But Able to Lie, StoneFaced. I am so damaged I cannot even Believe if this is Real. There have Been a Changes but Still I Feel Like I am Being Lied to,... Can they fake even Being Spiritual? This is so messed up Thankfully I Know my God is Going To Either Help Get me Out of This or he Really Will be Radically Changed I don’t Know if you are a Believer bit he is Actually Asking for the Baptism of The Holy Spirit and Fire!! Can you do that if he is Truly Given Over to Evil?
@@SherryONeill Run and never look back, you will gain your life back with each passing week. Trust yourself and your gut instincts, you will forget that narc ever existed in your life. I am one year out and have a wonderful life now. Stay strong, listen to pod cast from survivors, heal and thrive again.
Exactly what my ex narc said ! I was isolated and judged and never good enoug. He had an ideal in his mind and I was 'fat' frumpy , controlled by him he was extremely jealous. And apparently I had a 'string of men' even though I was very ill with a serious heart condition his cruel behaviour made it worse and he cared not.
Two years after ending a six-year relationship with a narcissist, I still suffer from PTSD. Now, I’m in a happy, stable relationship, and I’m healing. There is life after narcissistic abuse.
Diana please can you tell me how you met someone else? I was in a verbal & physically violent horror of a relationship for 7 years. Threw him out 3 years ago but I still haven't met anyone. I'm too terrified to go on dating sites as others have said that this is where narcissists go to hunt. Please any tips welcome. Thank you very much.
KateMate * I wish I could say I did something to meet him. As it happened, he was an old friend who walked straight back into my life. Jim and I were friends from graduate school, but we had gone our separate ways and hadn’t seen each other for about six years. Then, we happened to be presenting at the same conference. He searched the building for me, and I was outside. The door opened and he walked straight toward me. We’ve been together ever since, and its been over a year now. I suppose the point is that the right person might come into your life when you least expect it. I hope that happens for you.
L. Rachel My ptsd has manifested in feelings of sadness and despair, panic attacks, lack of interest in things that used to excite me, disruption of sleep patterns, increase in alcohol consumption (self-medication), withdrawal from social situations, and feelings of inadequacy and decreased self-esteem. It may be different for others, but my therapist says I’m still going through trauma from the years spent with my ex, a time she calls The Shining (because he seems to have gone mad and become increasingly abusive in the last two years, after we moved into an old house).
I've been married to "THIS MAN" described in your video for 52 yrs...some of us can accept and hang on, but the PAIN in this marriage can never be explained or understood by others, and why you continue to live with, and hope that the situation WILL CHANGE one day in the future. You come very close, to spot-on, describing a covert narcissistic HUSBAND, especially mine, etc. Thank you...
My husband is a narc and knows it. I have ASD. In one of our last fights he said he’s trying to learn so much about ASD so he can accomodate me better, I should start educating myself on how to handle people like him better. As in ‘Have you ever did some research on how to treat people like me?’ I just kept quiet as saying ‘they say I should run’ was not going to help my situation. I love him and I know he loves me (or he think he does) I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t want to live this way. Yesterday I got mad because I have to do everything while he sits in front of the tv. He knew I was upset. Today on my way home he called and asked me to do stuff for him (buy stuff and take it to him which would take another hour out of my day) I told him I can’t and he got really mad because I’m never willing to do anything for him. I’m burning out. If somethings wrong it’s my fault. I have no life of my own. Just work, kids and household. Some days I don’t mind and just go with it and other days I’m at breaking point. How do we find a middle way?
I’m still with my NPD spouse, 35 years. There are a lot of reasons I’m still with him. He knows I’m onto him. I self isolate (withdraw for my sanity), I don’t sleep with him anymore, now four years. I am afraid that he will bankrupt us if we separate because he can’t manage money. I’ve always managed the bills. But he won’t leave, and he won’t take my separation papers seriously. He says, “ you loved me at my worst. Why can’t you love me now that I’m better?” he believes he’s better because he’s giving me my privacy, while at the same time wanting to work on us. I keep telling him I can’t work on us or consider his sexual needs when I have to work on myself. He can’t understand why I don’t want him now that he’s being respectful to me. I said, why would I want to embrace the person who has hurt, crushed my spirit, and abused me?
I collected the husband's behavior character, until those symptom led to the NPD and found this channel. It took me 30 years to understand the cause of my depression, confusion and emptiness. Thank you dr.Grande. Especially after realizing that many have the same fate as me. ❤ we are strong and we are deserve to be happy just the way we are💐
I was in a 20 year marriage feeling empty, loveless, and starved for affection. The ex also turned our son against me. The ex manifested all 10 signs that Dr. Grande spoke about. Only after he kicked me out did I realize he was a narcissist. He is now on his 3rd wife. My son and I are great now. Red flag 🚩 If you’re dating someone who has no relationship with his adult children, investigate why. Could be a narcissist.
I think this has been my cause for depression and anxiety’s 😞 I just left but, I was starting to believe I wasn’t good enough and that I had bad hygienes, come to find out my bad one was not cutting my toes and fingernails right 😳 I’m on the road to recovery with my family and friends… thank y’all for helping me understand what was wrong. I’m not perfect but I’m not just cute, I’m me..
@@knittingpassion6106 It's the lead-up to it that people don't recognize. Once you're in the middle of it, it's a little clearer. And if you happen to have been raised in the same sort of household, it seems familiar somehow, if not comfortable.
Very accurate! A narcissist is truly a scourge in a marriage. Plus add financial abuse, withholding money for necessary things, isolation, getting others to dislike her who haven't even met her, daily criticism of everything she does, and sudden rages. I live with the signs you listed plus others. It's not easy to leave once women reach senior years but hopefully your advice will help many others to recognize narcissism and escape from it.
My wife and I are on the edge and about to break. She sent me this video. I’m going to do my best to learn from this. I’m seeking professional help as well. Thank you for hitting me straight with the info. The hardest part is not realizing I was the broken one. I hope I can figure it out before it’s too late.
Are you sure you’re the “narcissist?” If you truly self-knowing and believe you are these things he discusses then I commend you. It will be worth it and you’ll be so much happier not being that way. Buuut… you are awfully willing. You either love your wife with all of you and/or you don’t want your life to fall apart or your wife may be have at least some blame in this, if not being the narcissist herself. Be honest with yourself and it’ll only benefit you. I wish you the best.🙏🏻❤️
@@avelee8.21.7BC it is all me. She was perfect. Kind and sweet. The issue I was facing was I didn’t know how to communicate. When I wanted attention, affection, contact, or love, I would hurt her emotionally. She would chase me and I’d feel wanted. She was showing love so I thought she was happy. I was never not happy, I just didn’t know how to express my needs, so I used narcissistic traits subconsciously to get what I wanted. When she finally snapped and told me she couldn’t do it, I realized what I had been doing. I learned better ways to communicate. I love her dearly. We are working on things together now (she thought I’d move on when she told me she was done). I admit all guilt and I’m working hard to treat her right. Thank you for your kind words!
There is only one solution , get out. You can not help these men. These men are dangerous and will destroy you. Out after 14 yrs. Stay focused on your escape , pray , and love and be gentle with yourself.
@@Tara-id3rk I think you can get a temporary emergency restraining order and go to a Battered Women's shelter They had them when I left a Monster in 1985, look at what Chris Watts did he killed his entire family. I had to leave the minute he left for work I had rented a U haul and just took what we had to have to live left him everything. I had to move to a different city to hide.
@@Tara-id3rk Hi Tara, I was a child in this situation, 100% do whatever you can to keep your children out of there. Children can pick up on all of these energy from a parent like that. My mother didn't get us out of the situation until I was in my teens and told me she thought she was doing right by giving me a present father.. I'd rather have had no father present at all than live in a household of eggshells and dread! Follow your gut, if it doesn't feel right then theres nothing wrong with protecting your children!
Ciara Mc That’s good advise, thank you. My toddlers desperately want their father around but I can see the turmoil he imparts on our family system. It’s very difficult. I don’t want me son to end up emulating his father and I don’t want my daughter to believe men can treat her abusively.
I was married to a narcissist for 6 years. He nearly destroyed me and our children, aged 3 and 4 at the time. The three of us have been diagnosed with PTSD and my adult daughter and I are still in therapy after 40+ years. I only live with my cat now. Nonjudgmental love is great!
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
@@cultureal9544 My cat is my best friend, constant companion, confessor, even a heater at times. There’s no way she’s “just a cat” she’s a member of my family!
I was married to one for 17 years. Most days I walked on eggshells. Never knew when his mood would change. He didn't like when I did anything for my kids. But I would do the same thing for him and it was alright. Had alot of friends when we met, but as time went by he was very unsociable with them so eventually they quit coming over. Just so it would keep peace with me. Hard to communicate with. When he would hurt my feelings and I would cry he would ask what I was crying for. Glad I'm not with him anymore.
Exactly what I'm going through right now. I feel even very silly to address him my husband. I'm very much confused as to how to get out of the relationship because I am mentally 😩 exhausted. I am trusting God for the exit process because I can't do it anymore. I need my sanity to be able to be there 100% mentally for my Children.
I was married to a covert narcissist. I believe there may be different patterns of abuse between an overt narcissist and a covert narcissist. My husband was the opposite when it came to sex. Before marriage, he couldn't keep his hands off of me, but that completely changed on the wedding night. In the year and two months we lived together, I can count on one hand the number of times we were "intimate." There was zero affection, zero empathy, and he was stone cold silent most of the time. I was emotionally starved, isolated, gaslighted, always the crazy one, and often went hungry. Thank God I got out before I caused myself harm.
@@kourtneymilne6728 I’m so sorry. You’ve got to get some help. Reach out. Start talking. Keep exposing. Take care of yourself and do what you can to educate yourself and your family and friends. Get ahead of the smear campaign and start your underground separation. I will pray for you.
This is exactly how my husband is and how he treats me from 1-10. Thank you Dr. This has opened my eyes even more! Im trying to get a job so i can take care of me and our daughter. I wouldve already been gone if we didnt have a child together. But I feel I cant just leave without making sure i can take care of her myself.
It's important to get out - network to find out how other women deal with the issues of no money: EBT, part time job, counseling, social services, etc. It's there: don't wait too long.
I have been divorced from my narcissistic husband for almost 3 years now, and you couldn't have described my experience as his wife more accurately. Thank you for being so specific, and validating what I went through. This has been so encouraging!
@Janet Bishop Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
This is exactly how my dad treats my mom. She recently got diagnosed with spondylitis and my dad acts almost disgusted by it and makes her feel like she's "faking" her problem 😑. As a child I was always told by him that my mom is "dumb", "fat", "toxic" which made me distant from her but now(after I turned 13) I started noticing how manipulative, sexist and hypocritical he is. Now everytime I stand up to him he starts getting passive aggressive and starts criticizing my appearance and skills. He didn't even help me when I was getting molested by a family member when I was a kid because he didn't want everyone to know that I'm "dirty" or whatever. He always wanted to mold me into him and whenever I had an opinion or interest he didn't like he mocked it, made me feel stupid for even thinking about it. He is the reason for my low self esteem and high self doubt. He ruined my mother's life to the point that she doesn't even want to get help for her anxiety and OCD because my dad labels it as "weak". Sometimes I feel as though I'd have had a better childhood if I had no father compared to his parenting.
One of the reasons I’m divorcing him, my girls don’t deserve to grow up with a parent like that. He criticized me for everything, I never did anything to deserve something only him. He humiliated everywhere, he talked trash about my mom, her partner and other relatives, but his family were perfect. He put his family and friends first.
My father is also like that to a point where he almost made me hate my own mother... he always said "your mother is a prostitute " "I take care of your mother but she is so ungrateful" "I cheat on your mother because she force me to" As a child I believed him... I believed my mother was truly evil. How could I know that all my father wanted was to control us my mother and I. Now I don't know what happened but one day my eye opened... I was 14 years old and I discovered that although my mother knew I hated her, she never abandon me either, she tried to improve for my sake and she Never said something disgraceful about my father while knowing very well that my father was talking evil about her to me. After this revelation I changed attitude towards her and I started supporting my mother more but my father of course didn't like the fact that he couldn't control me anymore as before and now he says to everybody that I am a rebellious child and that my mother and I are comploting against him... He is still my father but I feel both distrust and anger towards him now. How can a parents try to push their child to hate another parent it is truly evil.
More than likely you WOULD have had a better childhood. Spend as little time with him as possible and prepare to get away as soon as you graduate. Also, be proud of yourself for being so intelligent and seeking the information you need to understand and protect yourself. Best wishes to you!
1. Superiority and entitlement Superiority is the No. 1 sign of a narcissist. This is different from self-confidence alone. The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top-which is the only place they feel safe. Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone. 2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation Another core narcissist trait is the constant need for attention-even just by following you around the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something to grab your attention. Validation for a narcissist counts only if it comes from others. Even then, it doesn't count for much. A narcissist's need for validation is like a funnel. You pour in positive, supportive words, and they just flow out the other end and are gone. No matter how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them, or approve of them, they never feel it's enough-because deep down they don't believe anyone can love them. 3. Perfectionism You can spot a narcissist through their extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied. 4. Great need for control Trying to grab control of everything is archetypal narcissist behavior. Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they want to do as much as possible to control it and mold it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control-of everything. 5. Lack of responsibility-blaming and deflecting Lack of responsibility is a glaring sign of a narcissist. Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results-unless, of course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don't go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you 6. Lack of boundaries Many people lack boundaries or cross other people's boundaries regularly, but among narcissists, this is status-quo behavior. Narcissists can't accurately see where they end and you begin. They are a lot like two-year-olds. They believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do 7. Lack of empathy Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others; this lack of empathy is a hallmark sign of narcissism. Narcissists tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. They expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty. 8. Perceiving everything as a threat Although they're highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others, narcissists frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. Unless you are acting out your emotions dramatically, the narcissist won't accurately perceive what you're feeling. Even saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you" Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Hackspyhub@gmail. Com , where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
@Frani Dance - yes, this stuff definitely needs to be taught to kids in school. And they need first and foremost to be taught about empathy. Because, unfortunately, empathy is not something you're born with, it's something you're (usually) taught by your parents. And this needs to be taught from a very early age. And then, when the children are older, they most definitely need to be taught at school about personality disorders, and about 'boundaries'. Boundaries are so important - narcissists test boundaries all the time, that is how they find their 'victims' - the 'victims' are the ones with poor personal boundaries.
It would have made a difference to me if I had been taught about these signs before getting engaged (though got out before marrying). Yes. Kids need to be taught the boundaries that are acceptable/unacceptable, and what is normal in a relationship and what is not.
They did teach this in ap psychology class in high school. I learned it and immediately put it aside in my mind after the test because it didn’t directly apply to me at the time. ::sigh:: youth.
I think so. Narcs are easy to recognize once you know the signs. And their patterns are identical. We are so often taught to give people a chance, don't judge, be open and kind, yet rarely to just trust our gut and repel these demons. I also think it would be helpful if a young narc learned these things; professional help may make a difference if started early on.
This a fact. I learned about Narcissistic PersonalityDisorder while I was in College. The part that stuck with me was the LOVE BOMBING PART. I remembered a lot of it and was able to END relationship after 3-4 months. But still it was NOT EASY. I had in that small amount of time became TRAMA BONDED. Now I knew I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, be with this person. But I still found myself driving around just to se if I could see his FAKE demented ass. This went on for a little while. I didn’t resist it. I just rolled with it until it until TRAMA bond was broken. I have not looked back except for at times I might get pissed and want to knock a few front teeth out. I’m back in therapy. I also have been able to see I’ve dealt with this type personality previously. And I can spot em right out the gate now. They are ALL OVER THE DAM PLACE. FAKING AND SHIT BUT ALSO causing some serious hurt and TRAMA to others. Sometimes death to others. I don’t play with them. I have Acquired my CCW’s and purchase a few weapons. Taking classes at range. I’m NOT THE 1. I told him. Make my day. I ain’t seen his ass since..
I’m the son of a narcissist, abusive dad. I’ve been looking at helpful videos on narcissists for the past couple of years. Thanks so much for this one! Hearing all of these examples brought back some bad memories, but in a very positive way. Because it helped me make additional sense of everything I had experienced watching my parents interact during their marriage. I cut off my dad about five years ago. One of the last conversations we had was about my mother, who he’d been divorced from since the mid 80’s (he’s on his third wife now). He was still insisting, all these years later, that any money from their marriage had all been his. Even though my mother had a successful business during that time, just like he did. Not to mention she raised my brother and I with love, when he was mostly being indifferent or going into an angry rage about not being appreciated. The other example that hit home was being critical of appearances. My father would belittle my mother if he didn’t like her hair or what she was wearing. Watching this video helped me realize I made the right decision to go no contact. People like this never change. Thank you!
@@Lexilea68 - Yes, it’s sad and very painful. But I’ll say this: Even if your marriage might be dead, you’re not. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but finally realizing you made a mistake is always a step in the right direction. And that’s true whether you’ve been married for one year, or thirty. Make this the first day of the rest of your life. Do not be like my mom. She waited for my dad to toss her aside like a piece of garbage. Her self-esteem never recovered and she hooked up with another jerk. But you’re here! Which means you’re different. So you understand that you’re worth more than what you’ve been getting. Never settle for less than what you’re worth again. Best of luck to you.
@@finster1968 Thank you for your wise input. The pain is because yesterday he discarded me. Almost 4 years of marriage and together for four and a half years. It boils down to helping jealous of my happiness of wanting to sing and finding other jam band members just to enjoy a hobby. Bless you for your feedback which is very helpful. Take good care. Alexis
@@Lexilea68 - You’re most welcome. I’m glad to hear you have a passion to pursue. Keep at it! Anyone who tries to steer you away from hobbies you love is toxic. But I’m sure you know that already.
Wow, this was my ex husband. He hid behind his military uniform. Loved others to acknowledge him when uniform was on. Camouflaged his cheating by being nice & willing to do things with ease so it would confuse the possibility that he would cheat. Very cunning individual. So glad I'm free!
Thank you Dr Todd Grande If only I knew tens of years ago that there are people like these. Already 59 years old with two thirds of my life very much damaged and wasted, and children's lives negatively impacted. I hope that they be healed and restored to live wholesome lives.
Thank you DrTodd Grande Now I feel better working on leaving him .I was so patient for so long hoping I can prove my worth whereas a Narcissist would never understand or respect me.He blames me for all his failures .infact he is aloser!he has all the choices b foulmouths adjectives for me.Earlier on I was so shocked and hurt by his verbal, mental emotional abuses.i even attempted suicide .Somehow I have come out of it.Right now I only want out.Ironically he is the one who kept threatening me that he will leave me dump me divorce me.Finally I told him to get out of my life, he is just not being a man of his word .said he will stay stuck in my house unless I give Divorce . actually he knows that being a Christian ,I would not take this step.What the heck ,I sent a notice! Still he is around.abusing me bringing years old so called 'infedility' on my part and gaslighting me
@@joybarla7963 we share the same story. God does not appreciate this abusive behavior. You are a precious jewel and his behavior is detrimental to your health. He has and continues to break his promise to love and protect you. Distance yourself while you are able, pray for direction, courage, and for your needs to be met. God WILL make a way for you. You can not make someone else appreciate you but you can appreciate and love yourself. Sending you a big hug and God's blessings your way. This man is practicing hatred, discord, and confusion. He takes pleasure in breaking your heart. You have to make a decision, seek the comfort of those who love you and prayerfully turn to help of others in your community. There's so much more for you ❤
Great content as always, dr. Grande! I believe the worst side of having a narcissistic husband is the feeling of having lost your whole life and youth, as in this relationship you have to give up your passions and your dreams. I spent more than 10 years in such a relationship where every single weekend we had to do what he wanted and generally it was having people at our house preaching him while I was the faded wife who only had to clean.
My ex controlled my appearance in the opposite way. He wanted me to look bad/ugly so no one would want me. He did it by not allowing me to buy clothes, neglecting my health, etc.
This one is a huge one too. I looked homeless when I was with him. No doctors or dentists allowed if it interfered with my jobs at home. It always did according to him.
YEP!!! The narc would get FURIOUS or find soooooomething to complain about with my clothing. Simple normal wear was viewed suspiciously. No tight clothes, cleavage, short clothes, high heels were not worn- even dressing up for weddings was a problem. His ex used to complain the same rubbish. But HEEEE could look spiffy and sexy. Nah.
@@francinesmith8109 My ex complained when I dressed down (didn't like they way I looked) and complained when I dressed up ("who are you dressing up for?")
I would also include isolation by making it 'covertly' clear to a wife's friends that he doesn't like them, in an attempt to get them to abandon the wife and communicate with her less, etc.
Or, in a beetroot rage, break every coffee mug in the house onto the concrete kitchen porch steps because Mom invited in next door for a quick cup of coffee w her friend Judy - then phoned over, requesting to speak w her, then growling 'get your ass home'. Excerpt from "Egg Shells to Exultations".
You just described my social life and what my brave friends and family members dared ask me if my husband hated them or not. I don't have ANY friends over anymore when I used to be very popular and had friends over several times a week and invites every week. Hubby hated it so he destroyed it, of course
Thank you for your videos. With an Overt Narcissist first he may make promises to change then when that does not work, aggression, and physical violence. He will try to get you back under his control by any means necessary. You are his property no matter how many times he has cheated and left you. I had to leave the state making it more difficult for him to have access to me. This narc traveled to where I was living 5 states away and tried to drag me back cave man style. I have read that the lesser narcissist has poor cognitive function and low impulse control. Some are even capable of rape when they suffer a narcissistic injury. While I believe all narcissist can lash out violently when enraged and suffering from a narcissistic injury it is even more so with the lesser. My experience with this narcissist was even if we separated and he had moved on with a new supply source he would still come around to make sure I was not seeing anyone. If I happened to start dating he became violent even when he was engaged with someone new. Most narcissist when they are love bombing a new supply source will not want the one they discarded in the picture at least in the beginning of his new relationship. If they are engaged with a new supply source and still Hoovering you for fuel they have a sadistic streak. This narcissist cheated throughout the entire marriage. He engaged in triangulation with his first wife. She was a constant in our marriage until her suicide. The Covert Narcissist may try to come back after they have been involved in a few relationships which did not work out. When they try to come back they are low on supply and suffering from depression because of a loss of narcissistic supply. They love to tell you about the relationships they have been in and now they are smearing the person they left you for. They may tell you the person they have been in a relationship with has been abusing them. The Covert may apologize for all his past transgressions and the way he discarded you. He will have an excuse as to why he was so abusive and cruel at the end. It can play with your mind wondering if he is truly sorry. He can even have tears. You have to remember the tears are for himself. He is down and out with no available supply source. You must remember how he was at the end when he discarded you and the mask came completely off. He will seem desperate to keep you around as the Hoover takes place. And he is desperate for narcissistic supply. This is a midrange narcissist I’m talking about here and although very capable of violence he needs to put on a good show to convince you he really is a good person. This narcissist really does believe he is a good person and needs others to see him as such. If you see through this narcissist and don’t buy his story he may leave you alone. He will slink away like the snake that he is in search of new supply sources. Narcissist don’t like to waste their energy and when he sees you are not buying into it he is forced to search out new supply sources. I say forced because it is life or death to him to keep the false construct in place. In order to keep the false self in place he needs narcissistic supply. He needs the admiration of others or he ceases to exist. When you no longer buy the lie he will move on. Covert Narcissist do not display the open grandiosity of the Overt. While the Overt seems full of confidence the Covert lacks self esteem. The Covert will use a lot of pity plays working on your sympathetic nature. He wants you to feel sorry for him. The Covert is a coward. In any case Overt or Covert they suffer a narcissistic injury when they are rejected by an ex. They think they own you for life. In both cases I left the state when my marriages ended:) Additionally there is no way you can be too sure that your spouse isn’t cheating behind your back. The only way you can be sure if your spouse is cheating on you or not is “TO FIND OUT“. Get to find out about a cheating spouse with evidence to prove it by spying their mobile and thereafter gaining access to all the things they might have been hiding away from you. If you need to find out about a cheating spouse; send a request to: *Metaspyhub@gmail. com*
You nailed it, that’s 100% my husband. I just got done going through breast cancer treatment and he was zero support to me. He never went to any of my appointments, any of my treatments nor any of my surgeries. He expected my family and friends to take care of me
Oh yes exactly the same here Mary! He actually made me apologise several times for having the audacity to get breast cancer and look after myself as he perceived if I dared to look after me then I wasn’t looking after him. Poor miserable manbaby! The end for me was long before this happened but that Truly was the absolute end for me.
I had to drive myself to the hospital for major surgery. I was in the hospital for 4 days. I only saw him for about 20 minutes a day because he brought the kids by. But when he had major surgery years later I had to stay in his room for the first 3 days without leaving except to get food.
I'd like to add another trait, he keeps score on everything. If he does something for me he expects to be repaid in kind. If I can't repay he is angry.
I can relate to every one of these signs, fortunately we do not have children together, but I do have 2 grandchildren. He started diminishing me in front of my first grandson, being hypercritical, judgmental, and controlling. When the second grandson arrived, I made it a habit to go to my son's house instead of the children coming here. He routinely diminishes my role at work, envies my salary etc. This video is very well articulated. I started discovering last year just exactly what is going on in my life and it's quite clear changes need to be made.
I am in this kind of relationship for 30 years not the whole list maybe half but for me prayer worked and God have me patience, I really wanted my 4 kids not to grow up with out a father, now in a way I want to change that but it’s a bit too late for that 😔
This doctor is describing (to a "T") the "man" I was married to for 4½ long years. Back then, if I could have had someone explain to me about the existence of narcissists, I might have found someone else to love and marry. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand how my husband could treat me as he did, and therefore, I was never willing to let someone have that kind of power over me again, not even him, when he later tried to get back together. I was 25 when we divorced. He was sent to Vietnam, and in that year while he was gone, I lost both my parents just six months apart. After that, I went back and finished my degree, worked hard and made a lucrative living for myself, but I was in no way healed emotionally. So here I am, 53 years later still reliving and trying to get over what he viciously did to me verbally and how he made me feel so insufficient. I wish I could go back and relive those traumatic years, knowing what I know now, but I only heard about narcissists a few months ago.
Do not dwell on the regrets only look forward and hold your head up high because you are a survivor and you have your life to live. I am sure he is not worried about what you are doing right now so please stop worrying about him and the abuse that he caused you. Live with no regrets ,regrets only cause sadness
I hope that you have good support and a good attorney, because if yours is anything like mine, he did everything humanly possible to try to destroy me in our divorce. Total smear campaign, lying about income, hiding money in his girlfriend's account, and lying to our adult kids about every thing he had done. He had taught them their entire lives that they never had to listen to me or respect me, and after the divorce, all four of them told me that they hated me and thought I was scum.
@@trappedinmn1 Yes, my husband taught the boys they didn't have to, or shouldn't listen to me either. My oldest son has already told me that he hates me and will never let his kids visit me. I think I have a good lawyer, but there is only so much that can be done with a prenuptial and my husband has already threatened to destroy my property in front of the police and the police arrested me when I tried to block him from destroying my work equipment. My career is completely destroyed by him, and I was forced to leave everything, all my clothes and I have no money and no car. I hope to regain some of my possessions in approximately 21 days after the court hearing. My brother is paying for my lawyer and I am living with my mother, otherwise I would be in a women's shelter right now. I had to leave my 16 year old son and my cat. My husband tried to kill my cat. I hope to get both of them back soon. Living with my mother is not healthy. She's 90% narcissistic. I can't seem to get out of the snake pit. I went from one to the other, God help me.
@@KatherynInc. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The worst part of all of it is having your kids turn their backs on you. I was a stay-at-home mother who supported his career while I was raising the kids, and I stayed with him for the sake of the kids. Now I'm broke, I've lost everything I've worked for and I'm trying to rebuild my life in my 50s. I don't even have relationships with my children. My whole life has pretty much been a waste because of that man.
@@trappedinmn1 It is not fair. :( I think their greatest pleasure was destroying any connection we had with our children. The look on my husband's face would light up a demon in hell with giddy delight.
Exactly! Spot on! These men destroy a woman’s spirit, self worth and self esteem. Recognize the signs early and leave the relationship. If you don’t, years later, you will have immense regret and sadness.
So true. Twenty years after divorce and his subsequent passing away, I still suddenly think of things that occurred and have these moments of enlightenment, saying "Oh, THAT'S what he was up to! " over incidents that just seemed strange or puzzling at the time they happened, and he would never explain - but ultimately led to some dirty trick or sabotage he was planning for me.
Because you don’t have time to “think” in the middle of it all. We go, go, go putting one front in front of the other. It’s not until we get some peace and quiet before we can begin to think and understand what happened. That’s been my experience.
@@mchris65 I had that thought too. Plus my Mom told me that it’s the wife who cements the marriage and the children will be badly treated if I leave. I had to decide with the 3 children at the back of my mind. It took me 33 years before I finally said “ Enough!” I had a sharing with my children and they also shared about how their Dad physically, emotionally and psychologically abused them. I
Yes, yes and yes! I've always been confident because I'm just happy to live life. I never worried about what others think about me. I come from a modest solid family. My husband came from a narcissist mother and father who has PTSD. I've only been with him 4.5 years. I'm his 3rd wife. As of today, I filed for divorce and moved out of my home a little over a month ago and he gave me the silent treatment for 4.5 months. I lost 35 pounds, now down to 115 pounds. I make more money than him, drive a luxury car, have no children and was never married prior. He has 2 children from each exwife. He hates me. He can't break me and I'm free. Blocking him and his toxic family.
This describes my husband to a tee. He hooked me in at 19 and I feel so stuck with 2 kids and all the control he has over everything and how isolated I am still 11 years later. Right now I’m just trying to survive until my kids are out of the house. Then maybe I will be free. I honestly feel very validated just watching this video because of all his gaslighting and manipulation.
I am so sorry to hear that, I stayed as well as I thought my kids would be better in a home with mum and dad but o found out to my shame that the mind abuse hurt them as much as it did me I have 4,Wales 2 boys and 2 girls they all have issues with mental health and it is heartbreaking to watch knowing I contributed by staying and allowing them to go through that situation. The youngest was 16 before we separated and to be honest I would not put them through the trauma again. I have strong faith in God and that is what I rely on for their healing and it is slow as they work through the battles in their mind and heart.
@@sunshinehurricanemix hi I am sorry to hear that can I say one thing I thought mine loved our kids and his way he does but and it is a big but it is not love when he is putting children through that abuse even on the periphery. Even if they are seeing ot hearing his abuse to you that is abusing them don't make that mistake I made thinking they are OK they are not the damage is deep and I see it in my adult children who now have major depression injuries. Major commitment issues, major trust issues and they learn from that behaviour and mimic it at times quite unintentionally but they do mimic. How you deal with your husband is your right but please re evaluate the effect it is and will have on your children in the long term.
Yes, only be strong and have courage. These are the words God said to Joshua when he was to lead the Israelites to the promised land. God didn't say we wouldn't have problems in life. In Job it is written, trouble comes as surely as sparks fly upward.
This is how my ex husband was and I would like to add. #11 husband taking the wife's pay check. #12 physical abuse #13 verbal abuse #14 husband making threats toward the wife. #15 husband tricking and blackmailing the wife.
My 25 yr Olds husband is like this she has 2 kids from first relationship and just had this guy s baby she's married to him my family tries telling her he's no good always controlling what she wears can't contact with friends certain family members he's starting b physical now threatens her with dcf forces her sex so sad sorry u go thru this also
You hit the nail on the head. And I believe it is a form of mental illness, passed on generationally. My husband and I been married for 14 years and I struggle more with each passing year. So much damage. So much anger. So many tears......and yet he is impervious to it. Nothing including 3 counselors seem to be able to penetrate the Grey matter for him to make any lasting change. Like his mother....No matter what they say or do in their relationships, everyone else has the problem but them.
Don’t have sex before marriage do things how God said do them….it’s bad when the women who have fornicated and the man now they have a whole bunch of soulties and curses to deal with when they get married
I married way too young but at the time you think you know more than anyone. I see clearly now. Also I married out of the faith but God brought me through 391/2 years. So he & I both were young to understand . I’m glad he was saved & in Heaven today. Thank you Jesus 🙏
Wow. I am divorcing at the moment and my husband's ending of our 30+ year marriage came seemingly out of the blue. This describes him perfectly. He has had strokes and a complete personality change but this illustrates exactly why myself and our 2 adolescent kids are so much happier without him! Thank you so much for removing any guilt I felt at the tearing apart of our family. Onwards and upwards!
That's really sad for everyone. I wonder if he realizes how much he's changed and how badly it's affected those around him? Is he aware of these changes, or does he not care? I've heard of this happening before. It's really sad. It's like the person died and was replaced with an imposter. I believe it was advised for the patient to seek help and was put on meds and therapy. I don't remember a lot about it or the outcome of treatment, but maybe it would help so he could improve for the kids.
Married 12 years and currently being discarded… again. No idea why. Again. Sign #5 resonates completely. My Nana held the place of my mother, and when she passed a few months ago at the age of 100, I attended her funeral alone - just like everything else. It was there that I realized… he had never even met her. My TV shows, movies, documentaries, etc are boring to him but I have endured “Dumb & Dumber” at least 20 times whilst wearing a smile.
I left my Ex-husband 6 years ago, but he was all of this to a tee. I still watch these to remind me of what I left and what to avoid. It's always shocking how these lists fit him in every respect. The worst part is how society supports him and I was thrown out as trash. Thats still the hardest part. I cant leave my city because of family court and its been nearly impossible to move forward. I lost everything, this affected all parts of my life, my career tanked, I lost all my friends, even family. I cant wait til the day I can leave here and start fresh with new people.
It’s strange that we base a decision to marry someone on emotion. But when we are going to recruit a new employee we go to great lengths to verify they’re the right one.😯
Self-centeredness. That is what I see at the heart of our marital discord. My husband always puts himself first, wants to dictate everything we do because he believes he’s entitled to orchestrate our lives while I nod with acceptance. I’m so burnt out on this situation. I made a mistake. I took his self-centered persona as “confidence” after being married to a weak indecisive man the first time. And, my husbands mother always, always comes first. She strokes his ego like I am not prepared to do. Time to go my own way? Seems so.
Oh my God you describe my life also! Theirs selfish mothers are the center of their narcissism… so disgusting! Run away from such beings! Women all around the world are doing so good in schools and universities until we all get married to shitty men!
My wife wasted her entire life from age 19 to 85 trying to please my narcissistic father. He checked all ten of these boxes. It's sad to see how a narcissist can destroy another person.
My sons father starting devaluing me while I was pregnant. He made me feel fat and ugly, wouldn't touch me and made me sleep on the couch. I can't believe I stayed with such a cold human for 12yrs
Wow and I thought my 5 years was way too long.... I had that too...made me feel more insecure about myself and he prided in that I got to marry a Dr.... but then I loved how he's not sure if I married up or he married up.. my parents are pretty affluent.
PurrPurr I think once the attention isn't all on them, they get upset. I was even shamed for not going to the bars while pregnant. I was raised by narcissists so I was repeating the cycle. You don't see it all clearly until you are completely away.
I hit 10 years and am currently divorcing. Life sucks right now and I am just working on piecing my life together and working on myself. My kids and I are in therapy. I sadly stayed too when he had broken his hand hitting me when prego and it was always going to change. . . . . .
Mine expressed absolutely no enthusiasm when I told him I was pregnant. The best comment he could come up with the night I had to go to the hospital was "I just want a tax deduction & a boy"! Lucky me, it just happened to work out that way December 31st.
Or 'Just do as you're told' or 'women' said in a mocking derogatory way... So familiar I was accused of 'defying' i.e. disobeying a man on a graduation day!!!!
Their actions will almost never match up to their words. In fact, they will be two entirely different scenarios. Their exes would all be labeled “psychos, obsessed with them, stalkers,” or any other derogatory term , and they themselves will never take any blame for the relationships ending. Affection and intimacy, not sex, would be lacking in any real sense of the word, unless its done for show, like in front of other people, but not when you’re alone together. They will soon replace all the kind words they showered you with in the beginning with snotty condescending tones of voice which seem to only be directed at you. They will little by little begin to make digs into your appearance, clothes, hairstyle, etc., to chisel away at your self esteem. Even though these were things they claimed to really like at the beginning of the relationship. They will shower you with constant attention (calls, texts, emails, gifts, etc) initially then all of a sudden stop once you’ve fallen for them. When you confront them as to what has changed, they’ll insinuate that you’re needy or clingy or something along those lines. They will bring a third person, place, pet, or thing into the relationship that will undermine your importance to them. (triangulation), as they spend more and more time with this 3rd person, place, or thing. They will start to spaz out on the littlest things claiming they’re stressed out from work, life, duties, etc. They won’t have the time for you anymore as they once did, and you will be made to feel it is something that you’ve done or haven’t done thats causing this. Most importantly, YOU will see red flags, you will have a gut feeling that something is just “off” about this person, but might try to explain it all away in your own mind. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Very interesting. My ex husband had 8 of these 10 traits, only missing the ones about jealousy as he didn't care about me enough nor did he think ANYONE would be interested in me. One major thing I suffered was that he would shout at me and the children and feel no compassion whatsoever when we cried, it would just enrage him even more. Thanks for the video, I am glad this topic is now becoming mainstream as I suffered in bewilderment for years.
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
I feel you, Katy... My ex is a very complicated individual. My family and friends think he's a great guy, and on paper, I guess he is - he's hard-working, sociable, faithful and pretty trusting of me when I'm around other men. He doesn't drink a lot, or smoke cigarettes or do drugs, and he's never been physically violent towards me...... But, he likes to be right about everything, he calls the shots and doesn't take any interest or place any importance on anything I say or feel. It's like he's incapable of empathy unless there's a situation that affects his life in any way. He feels very strong emotions for himself though. I've even see him cry when I have called him out on selfish and sneaky behaviour or for asserting control over me and the kids... He can be pretty harsh and demanding of others. We often felt like we didn't meet his expectations or standards. We moved out almost eight years ago and it's the best thing I could have done for the sake of the kids and my own mental health. I was a jolly, sociable, quietly confident person before my marriage and I am slowly regaining my self worth back. Good luck with your future and may you find true happiness.... With or without a partner.... We don't need somebody else to make us happy, and it's better to be happy and single than be trapped in a toxic relationship xxxxx
Oh my gosh you just explained my situation perfectly. I'm actually packing my belongings up while watching this video. He continues to come and tell me how awful I am and no one will want me I will be alone and become homeless.
@@jackierios3352 I was married for 25 years. I've been out for about three weeks. It's been such an eye opener of how manipulating he was. I must admit letting go of the anger or wish for revenge has been very hard. Not even entertaining the idea of tit for tat because ultimately they will win because we have a moral compass they do not possess. They will convince your children you are awful and undeserving of any love or kindness. Run, go no contact or at least very limited contact and resist the urge to respond.
@@biblewalker I was married 23 years only out 1yrs and its hard ...I miss my girls terribly, but they chose him. He used them to get me to come back. It was a nightmare. He called my family ...people he barely spoke to and slandered me that was one of his threats that he followed through because I didn't come back. I was angry, hurt and recenteful. Recently he has been opologizing, saying I forgive you and I'm sorry for what I did.... confusing ....I just miss my girls.
My boys do still talk to me but they think I'm horrible. It's been so hard and I cry a lot. But I found a job finally and start soon. The place I signed up to volunteer hired me for as a manager and I got a job at a bank. The same day just as I was losing hope. Keep going, I've been out about a month now, it is getting better. I have hope.
Your right about no contact! He has my boys believing I'm awful but they do still talk to me a little. Thankfully! I've been out just over a month I'm finally having hope for the future. I start my new job in a few weeks and I'm gonna do this!
Just one little observation: with a narcissistic husband, and with those characteristics, it's impossible to be in a "stable" relationship. What happens in the wife's mind is either she's in a semivegetative activity, because of the fear, or she's just waiting for the right moment to leave, wich she knows is not going to be a healthy good bye , so she has to really prepare for that.
I was once one of those women, waiting for a good time to leave, knowing that it was going to be ugly and painful. You try so hard to make these types of men happy, but to no avail. Glad I got out!
I went back to school because of his treatment at age 42 (I had a good education background). After graduation I got a good job and we agreed to move to different state (1500 miles away). But he never moved with us because of many reasons such as there is no place to put all his tools and he knows he can't treat me like the old place b/c now I made more money than him and I am a doctor (PharmD). I moved my kids away from that toxic environment. They thrived in the new place, had their own room. He is an engineer and a cheapest man alive. He was mad all the time. He is very moody that what I called is emotional roller coaster. He finds reason to fight with me all the time even when we lived apart. I am happy that I made a right decision to save my kids future. I should write a book about successful handle a narcissist husband.
@@NichelleLC Ask yourself, "Would you like to live in this type of nightmare with this person for the rest of your life?" That should give you the answer.
As a stay-at-home mom to five children, I wasn’t allowed to adjust the thermostat in our home because, I “didn’t have a job” (edit) I sense some judgement to the fact that I have five kids, judgey or not I should’ve maybe clarified ... I had three of my children with my first husband who sadly died when the kids were 5, 3, + 1 years old. And i was a single mom (read: vulnerable, lacking confidence I’m sure) for 8 years before i met ex-husband/malignant narcissist. and truth be told, there were red flags from the outset, but I chose to ignore &/or he explained them away. clichė as it is, I made myself keep believing things would get better, he’d change. I was a fool and naive. My children and I have paid a hefty price. and continue to do so; he has unleashed all hell since the separation and subsequent divorce.
@@FoFrx if you grew up in a world of caring people these monsters can play you like a violin they are master manipulators. Use your ability to feel against you . Dont judge unless you have walked in their shoes
@@backwoodsgeorgiagirl5594 Im not judging either although if you make a comment that says that you made a bad decision for a husband and have 5 children with him it says a little about your judgement or lack of and who pays the price? The kids, and if you make a comment like that expect someone to point out the OBVIOUS. If his behavior suddenly changed that is one thing but to have 5 kids with someone who treats you like that is completely irresponsible to the human race.... and for you to defend it? end of conversation
Went through the person telling me how to dress. It infuriated me. I sensed it as a form of control. Weight criticism was profuse. He wanted me to socialize with whom he chose but was rude to my friends. It's great to hear these confirmations that I did the right thing....no contact. I feel happy and free.
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
6 years of marriage. He spoiled all my friendships even professional . I saw none of his . And he blames i lack social skills . I was turning into him. But a fight made me stand up for myself. Now i stay silent. Whatever happens. ADHD-> Codependency -> narcissist attraction -> bipolarity & depression -> morbid obesity. ...and the impacts continue.
Thanks for all you do! You have helped me understand my situation in a very confusing marriage and awful situation!! It has taken over a year but the divorce was finale 2 days ago. I am so relieved and feel free for the first time in 23 years. So happy it's over! I went completely no contact and kept a restraining order in place for the next 2 years.
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Kudos to you! In time now you will experience that you get your peace back, that you are not in the defence anymore, that it's best to be alone than to be with someone who makes you life miserable. You will begin to enjoy life like you used to. Best of luck to you! ♥️👍😘
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Devorce is a sin ! Build your marriage based on faith to Jesus Christ . Read the bible . Take your time everyday to talk to the Lord . For sure your marriage will be heal 🔥
I asked my husband if he has any beautiful memories of us together and he chose a butterfly conservatory we went to in our first year of marriage (we're on year 21!) I'm beginning to think it was all a mirage!!
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
He described my whole relationship not married engaged. He was a habitual liar and cheater to this day he has not admitted to cheating. Mind you I saw the text to different women and he married one of them 3 months after our breakup we were together for 9 years. Before I had even moved out I saw the text to his now wife and another 2 women he was dating. It is crazy how these people live. Now he has this poor women moving to the US to be with her husband with her 5 year old son where she doesn't speak the language to be with him and be abused. The reason he is even gets into long term relationships is because he can't be alone for even short periods of time he needs people around him. In addition to that he is a slob he won't clean or do house hold things unless he has no choice so he gets a women to do it all and then treats it like what you add to the house cooking cleaning add no value at all. This was a man that basically asked me what I was good for when he hadn't cleaned a toilet in 9 years or washed our daughters cloths in the 5 years she had been alive. I became suicidal and it wasn't until 3 years after getting over it and being disguarded that I realized through the whole time that I was suicidal he never once said anything like " its going to be ok" "we will get through this" literally no form of support or concern for me at all. Those are the things that keep me no contact with this person and pitty his new wife
This is exactly how my ex wife was. Cheated on me with a co worker 24days after getting married. Then came to find out that was the tip of the iceberg.
I used to think the same. I hope you never end up feeling like I do-I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. Honestly, I'm not sure what's going on. My husband has anxiety that he never has learned to manage, just occasionally took antidepressants. While he was off, he got sick, had to sell his business, had a hard time finding a job, and buried his father. I finally got him to his dr for a new antidepressant, but he is perfectly and consistently exhibiting every sign of covert narcissism. I don't know if is a manifestation of the depression (and maybe wrong meds) or if he was like this all along and the mask slipped when life became overwhelming. His brother is an overt narcissist, and they USED to be exact opposites.
Wow. Took me 10 years to figure out what this was. And now I see it so clearly! He used to mock me when I cried and even told me he owned more of the house because he fixed everything. Totally neglected that I cleaned, took care of kids, etc. Because he fixed things he was more important. Cannot believe I missed it for so long 🥺
I'm glad I found your channel. I didn't realize my husband of 25 years (and 13 years older) was a true narcissist. In 2018 we found he had liver cancer and he died at home 2 weeks later. Since then I continue having nightmares about him, and I seem to have stalled in moving on. I don't miss him, the house we shared has lightened in atmosphere but I am struggling to trust myself to make important decisions and to finally put myself first. I feel ugly and unworthy, I feel stuck. No confidence. He is dead now but the pain is still there! My sister sent me information on narcissism that is really opening my eyes to my husbands abusive personality. Maybe now I can finally break free!
God Bless You, I hope & pray you find some peace in ur heart. What helped me was to talking outloud to our father in heaven it a loud me to put everything into perspective & gave me clarity when I would ask for his help & then when I finally decided I couldn't do it a lone so I put it all in his hands to do with as he seen fit. I released that burden & a hugh weight was lifted from my shoulders.. "IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO FREE URSELF"
Mary Carroll I feel I'm doing better, thank you for asking! I've got my home for sale and I'm getting a motor home to do some traveling! At least that's the plan. The nightmares have calmed down thank goodness and I'm gaining a little more confidence! 😊
Don't leave. Does your husband know that he's a narcissist? My wife is a narcissist, but she doesn't realize it. I could have walked out a long time ago but I didn't. For the past 2 years or a little longer she has made me believe that I'm a loser. That I'm some kind of monster. That I'm some kind of manipulator and deceiver and a narcissistic gaslighter. She has made me believe that I'm the narcissist and the gaslighter. But because of these videos and a few other things I've realized that I'm not. I know it's her, but she doesn't know that she's a narcissist. I'm not just going to walk out on her. Someone I've shared my bad, home and children with. I don't think it's right to just walk out on someone especially if there's a way that you can help that person. Don't just walk out. Try to help them
@@bigcountrymountainman9740 I've discussed it with my husband and he won't have it... There is nothing you can say to a Narcissist that would make things better for yourself it will always backfire. I've stayed with my husband to protect others... that's all I'm going to say... Hopeless
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
*Hypercritical
*Micro-managing
*3 second fuse(impatience)
*Talking over everything you try to say
*Ranting/shouting/yelling
* Condescending/talking down to you
*Know-it-all
*Everything done their way is the ONLY & BEST way
*Lazy
*Entitlement for just about everything
*Late for everything/disorganized/no concept of time
*Gets angry when refused sex/pressures and won't take NO for any answer
*Self-centred
*No interest in doing anything with their children unless THEY enjoy it too
*Disagrees with EVERY tiny little thing
*Monitors food shopping/money/demands to see receipts
*Anything that goes wrong .... YOU are to blame
*NEVER ever holds themselves responsible for anything. EVER.
Sound familiar, anyone...??
Yes to all
YES!! 23 years of everything you listed!! If course he denies it completely.
Heck yes, this is what I experience on a daily from my fiancé 😔
@@chrtyhwrd sweetheart, if you recognize these qualities in your fiance ... don't marry him! I don't care how charming he is now, eventually you will feel trapped. He will kill your love, because he is really only capable of loving himself.
You deserve someone who can really love you. You are better than this. Every woman posting has SUFFERED, please don't stay with him. Find another life without him.
sounds like my husband!!
The wife lives with guilt, low self esteem,low on confidence,always confused and frustrated
Sudha, like everything is her fault.
It's the gas-lighting that causes confusion. I'm surprised he doesn't mention this - it's so awful - makes you feel like you're mad!
Spot on! Extreme self doubt, low confidence and extreme desire to be validated by others are definitely what the wife experiences.
After 29yrs I finally walked away.. With nothing but my two late teen sons . It took me a further 7yrs to get the divorce from him . I have never had a partner since.. everything you have said was me for all those years even after walking away. Now I see him doing the exact same to someone else and there is nothing you can do to tell them.. At least now all including his family believe me.. My sons say best thing I did was have the guts to walk away.. I could right a book.. I have my dignity and the love of my sons and now daughter in laws and grandaughter he has non of that..
Oh,bless everyone who had guts to get out of this drama trap!!! Healing after relationship with narcissist is another tough journey,but its woth it.The hardest part is to rediscover your core and find therapist who knows ins and outs of consequences after narcisstic abuse.
Oh the stories I could tell of my 13 years spent walking around like a zombie, asking myself what else I could possibly do to make him happy. The mental and emotional abuse of living with his passive/aggressive personality is even now hard to talk about.
Then one day, he said he was leaving because I didn’t do enough to make him happy.
A few days later, I realized he’d just done me the biggest favor of my life.
Barbara Vaccaro,You deserves better
Wow I really understand everything you said
My husband left after 24 years because he said I didn't know how to fold his underware right.
@@nancyparker4038 … lol… mine was pissed because I didn’t iron a crease into the leg of the pants he wore TO THE GYM. I started leaving them in the laundry basket and told him to iron them himself.
I hope you helped him pack his bags, Barbara. 😉
I am 70 years old and you have explained so accurately why my marriage failed. It brings such peace answers years of questions. Thank you very very much it is actually a kindness
@jody thompson . I'm 76 , and its only in the year or 2 I've begun to understand. Narcissistic parents, 2 husbands and friends, all the same. K
I'm in the same boat. I wish this information had been around 50 years ago. All the years I wasted thinking I was the problem. Wish I had those years back!
Typo no real friends. The above just a view of year one and two out of 20.
at least we know its them
I am 76 and feel the same way!
I had a narcissistic husband and it took me 24 years to get away but I’m grateful I was able to walk away with my life.
It took me 30 years. I’m also grateful to have escaped with my life and my pets lives.
Hopefully i have a guts like yours
Why and how could anyone stay this long?
Still in a NARC relationships for 26 years. I feel stuck and currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer and the whole demon has been unleashed
@@judymburu8898 I’ll pray for you and your health. ❤️
I remember there were times I’d be driving home from work & it was always in back of my mind & also a worry “what kind of mood he would be in today.?” It was so terrible 😣
Exhausting
👍
Ye olde "walking on eggshells"🥴
Going thru that now. 😢
Totally my life now
This takes my breath away. My ex-husband did all of those things and I was constantly confused and lonely. Until I was discarded, I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. He was also a mean alcoholic and I was terrified of him. The day he left I changed the locks on the house and got on my knees and thanked God for delivering me from him.
I literally feel ill and I want to cry. After 20 yr relationship, that was confronting and hard to listen too, but oh so clarifying. It wasn’t all in my head 😭😭 Thank you, Dr.
I hope u feel better today.
I had awakening when I had a woman from a loving marriage tell me that my husband is mean to me. I honestly did not know until she pointed out things that he would do was not right. They tend to isolate you from other relationships, so that people are not seeing how badly they treat you and often don't want to be around other people with you. They lead two lives. Seek God and prayer for the new beginning that you deserve....Especially now with finding family members that can help support you.
They mind play you wich is the worse because you start questioning your self and take all his faults to your own self esteem and can be very damaging, but I always quote a Bible verse Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay and give comfort to know that God knows what is going on and some day God will ask about how you treat your wife.
God bless you in Jesus name Amen
It's a slap in the face. I'm grieving and it's hard when he is here. It's like I married an imaginary friend. He allows his children to treat me horribly. They used to be so sweet. Over the years they have been taught to treat me as their scapegoat. I am a Christian and I know God will help me. And I am grateful for that because this is a nightmare. His twisting everything and the lies are crazy! I never knew that people could be in "character" all the time. I don't know him. It's really violating. I'm not sure about what I think about anyone anymore. God bless us all in Jesus name Amen. I really feel like every comment is gut wrenching. I'm so sorry ladies.
I can’t breathe. My ex-husband had all ten of these traits. When he started to encourage the children to mock me, I was done. Well, I was done way before that, but that is when I doubled down on my efforts to get out. Not as easy as it sounds when you have been isolated from all financial and emotional support and you have no finances of your own,
Stay strong, I am speaking out of personal experience ,when treated unfairly we may become resentful and bitter pls try avoiding this even though it's hard resentment will make us more self-centered . If possible forgive your oppressor it helped me heal. Have nice day I will pray for you
I don't if there is any scientific evidence for this, I speak out of my personal experiences. I have faced child abuse and trauma. It was only when I forgave my father I began to heal. Also finding out that he too had an abusive father made me sympathize with him. Secondly, I found that resentment lead bitterness and higher irritability, etc. I too felt I was slowly becoming bad in my character, so I weeded out resentful thoughts and forgave my father. It did start a healing process. This still defects me to this every day, but I am fortunate to have good company and friends which helps. Hope you get healed
Rajive Harvani Thank you for your kind words. Best wishes to you.
MaryAnne, I totally understand. Please look for online support groups or keep on watching these videos. Treat your life as though you’re going to rebuild from the ground up- starting with yourself. Practice extreme self care to know yourself, to establish boundaries and techniques to manage stress. I will send positive energy your way.
MaryAnne Brown Me too but with both my and his adult children...
Nailed it, especially 9 and 10. I had 35 years of this, thinking my marriage vows meant more than my own happiness. I've been free 7 years and only just starting to feel that I exist aged 61.
Chrissy Thomasen,You deserve better
You just gave me hope!! Thank you
This is where I am now. I think my marriage vows and my son growing up in a two-parent household means more than my own happiness. I’m praying for the courage to move out and divorce him and live in peace!
Chrissy, thanks for your comment.
@@TheMissQuadiaGirl, I told myself this, thinking my kids didn't see. Until my two younger ones (13 and 15) told me to please get a divorce. They lobe their dad, but said he makes me miserable and they want their mom back, and he doesn't treat me well. It set me free. 22 years of bullshit.
You 100% just described my ex-husband perfectly.
I was overweight when we got married and he wasn’t negative about it. On our honeymoon, he was in a bad mood and I asked him what was wrong and he said, “Well, I’m with the fattest person on the cruise!”.
That’s when it started.
We were married 18 years. The truth is, I should have come home from that honeymoon and filed for an annulment, but I didn’t.
In the beginning of our marriage, he became physically abusive with me twice. The first time, he reached over and pull my hair as hard as he could. The second time, he slapped me right in the face.
I had one thing over him which was that he has a phobia about Police and being arrested and going to jail, even though he never had been. So, I threatened him that if he ever physically assaulted me again, I would call the Police and file charges on him and he’d be arrested. I also had many family members in law enforcement too, so that really solidified that threat.
He never again was physically abusive, but because he couldn’t harm me physically…….he made up for it with his verbal assaults. He said things to me you’d never say to your worst enemy, let alone your wife and Mother of your child. I then found out about his affairs at about year 17. He wouldn’t admit it for the longest time and when he finally did, he then blamed ME for it and said, “Well, I mean what did you expect? You’re so fat and not fuckable!”.
He didn’t like it whenever anyone paid me compliments. He’d say, “You know that they’re just being nice. They don’t really mean it.”. He would buy me expensive jewelry and stuff on my Birthday and at Christmas and Valentine’s Day, but it wasn’t long until I realized he did that for himself too. He’d say, “Hey, show your family what I bought you for your Birthday!”. It wasn’t about how he felt about me, it was about how it made HIM look. Like, “See? I am a good husband and buy her nice things even though she doesn’t deserve it because she’s fat and stupid!”. He also called me stupid and dumb too.
Long story short, I got out finally. I am now married to a wonderful man who treats me like I deserve to be treated.
After I ended it with my ex, I realized that I wasn’t the problem…..he was. So, I never blamed myself and always knew I deserved more and that I had done nothing to bring on his horrible words. It was his sickness. I also realized that no matter what I did, it still wouldn’t have been good enough. He still would’ve found fault with something I did, and that’s no way to live.
I also knew I had to forgive him and had to forgive myself too for not being a better advocate to myself by allowing someone to treat me like he had. I had began walking 3 miles daily at this point and started praying during those walks. At first, I was so full of anger at all of it, but mostly at the years I’d wasted with him. Day by day, walk by walk, and step by step, I was able to release it all and forgive him. I no longer felt anger towards him. I knew I was healed when I found myself truly wanting his happiness, although I knew it probably wasn’t possible. I don’t think narcissists are ever satisfied or capable of complete happiness.
He’s remarried again and has 2 sons. He doesn’t have much to do with our son anymore, but that was because my son knew who he REALLY was and he didn’t like that.
What’s funny is that years later, he asked my son once how his Mom was doing. My son told him, “Mom is doing GREAT. She’s got a great job.”. He asked him, “Really? What kind of job could SHE get?”. My son told him, “She’s a Probation Officer.”. He just said, “Oh, well good then. What about dating? Is she seeing anyone? He’d have to like big women.”. My son answered, “Oh, no……she’s lost a lot of weight and looks good! You know, she’s always been beautiful, which people have said over and over, but she’s now thin and beautiful. Yes, she’s engaged to a really great guy who’s a Police Officer!”.
My son said the look on his Dad’s face was absolutely PRICELESS!!!
Karma is a beautiful thing.
You should be proud of yourself for finding the strength to leave this man after all. this time together.
This is really inspiring. I think with verbal abuse, we kind of eat our emotions and stay fat to avoid being seen. I know if I ever look good, my husband doubles down on the controlling and mean comments.
Can't get an annulment its very rarely granted unless he committed a sexual crime .
I love happy endings. God bless you ❤️
Terrific!! You're such a strong person to have known who you were & not allow the bs insults he'd say to you shape you into that person. I hope you continue to thrive.
You've just explained my husband to a tee! I left him twice, the third time I left him, I never looked back. He made my life a living horror. The children were unhappy too. It's been 20 years now, best decision I've ever made.
Hi carrol,I did the same went back third time said he had changed ,but after a few months it started now I’m out of it thank god good luck with your life Ann
I did the same thing
My life was very much the same, even the timing. I never looked back and thank goodness my children are ok.
I am living a hell I never saw coming. I married him 10 yrs ago. I have 4 children. He is disrespectful, hateful and everything in this video. Not until recently did I discover He was a narcassist. He is ALWAYS the victim. He puts my kids down and IM SICK of it. Sadly I'm disabled due to the PTSD He has bestowed upon me and I'm gg through breast cancer. I have become someone u don't recognize. I'm sinking deeper in my room without wanting anyone around me. I can't take this drama anymore -- feeling hopeless
@@charitytodd22 Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Throwing temper tantrums when things aren't going their way. They use it to control, manipulate and get out of doing stuff.
This didn't work well the very 1st time this behavior was presented to me, I SHUT it all down. Vocally speaking my truth of what I had observed and demanding explanation on behavior, This was right after LOVEBOMBING stopped, I was watching everything, HE told me he loved me after 1 WEEK, huh, ok whatever, But he also thought I was in LOVE with him.. I WAS NOT...... I LET HIM HAVE IT VERBALLY, . BROKE HIS MASK ID SAY AND ENDED RELATIONSHIP, HE refused to return my belongings, said he dropped my things at local GAS STATION. I told him KEEP THEM. and I an a CCWs licensed holder, I haven't seen or heard from him since. Thank GOD.
@@teesahurt2074 You are lucky he showed you so soon. I think covert narcs can hide it longer, sometimes it doesn't come out til after you are married awhile.
@@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327 yeah I TOOK PSYCH CLASSES WHEN IN COLLEGE YEARS AGO. I KNEW THINGS WERE GOING TO FAST AND I JUST PAYED CLOSE ATTENTION AND DIDNT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THINGS HE TOLD ME. I would questions him about NOT DOING WHAT HE SAID... THEN I Just went off on him. I told him about his self. And ended the relationship. But it still had me tripping because I was looking for the endorphins. The high he gave me from all the LOVEBOMBING. .. he did not like what I said. I have not heard or seen him since. But I still have my 380 loaded and red to go.. lol. Just in case
@@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327 He is COVERT NARC..
Or they become the victim.. for you being the victim..
This was my life 💯. I lived with this monster for nine years. I’m finally free. Thank God.
The turning of the children against their mother was the most painful to me. I tolerated other behaviours but that was what finally broke my spirit.
I can relate to this...he remarried and was/is cruel 20 some thing years down the track.
It is an unbearable pain to live with. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Mine also turned my two sons against me, but I know I was a good mother. I have shed many tears with a broken heart. I should of left him years ago but I stayed because I thought my sons needed their daddy. I was wrong. I hope you realize how special you are and can move on and believe in yourself.
This has happened to me ….
This happened to me too. I have an incredible therapist to help me. My heart goes out to you.❤
Exactly me, exactly my experience, soul sister.
My husband definitely hates engaging emotionally, and actually said to me that he is perfect and never makes mistakes. He was not joking.
Almost 30 yrs later and nothing's changed..
So Sorry... I’m in similar boat.. Take Care. Jenny
Mine says the same thing
Alicia, my husband used to say, "If I don't know it, it's not known." And when I asked him if we could go to a counselor or therapist, he said, "You go. You're the one with the problem." I wanted to scream out, "But you're my problem." Of course, I didn't.
Oh my God he sounds just like my husband does he call you names I think he's always right he's never wrong screams and yells
Wow! I was married to one 27 years and didn’t know the psychological name for what I went through until after I divorced him. Dr you were spot on. Now I know I wasn’t losing my mind.
Ditto for 40 years. 8 years out. Happy. Reminders and reviews from time to time help. Dr Grande gave as perfect a description as I’ve ever read-and I’ve read lots.
Oh my goodness- I’m glad I wasn’t the only one out there!!! 32-years here!! Blessings to you!!!
I hear you. I am so sorry you had to go through that for so long as well. I have felt so much shame, and have gaslighted myself so much (it ran deep after years of living it, to question my own experience) so long after my almost 20 year relationship with mine (over five years ago now). To admit to not even have known what I lived while in it, such a hard thing to wrap my head around. I felt stupid, and although it was often hard and for sure left me like a shadow of my former self with zero self esteem as a result. I could not see that how he manipulated, gaslighted, used, betrayed, was entitled, often subtly and over time , was abuse then.
So let us just say that now I would never tell a woman after not having known what I lived myself were abusive, ”so why didn’t she leave earlier if he was that bad”. Never. Because I know now that the confusion of first being great, then mixing the bad with good sides, and slowly normalizing manipulation and wearing you down over time, makes you at times feel like you maybe are the problem or that perhaps you aren’t worth more. Because that is what the normalization process does to you over time. It confuses and wears you down. And you don’t even see it happening. So darn scary that process. I wish I had been taught the red flags of narcissistic personalities before we even met in my early twenties. Could have saved me many years, my health and money.
I have just learned this information also .. I can’t believe the behavior is so documented an similar
In the same boat living with narcissist since last 28 years. It's just like living in a torture cell.
OMG...50 YEARS..I never realized he was the problem..I have ALWAYS tried to be better!! 😢😢😢
Oh wow I'm so sorry almost 17yrs here left my husband a month ago
53 years for me and I am just understanding what it was all this time. I feel like I have PTSD.
My husband has all these
@@qurratulainkaleem7713 run
Unbelievable - this is my husband to a “T”.
It took me 10 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Additionally, There are many ways to find out what someone is hiding from you in their phones. These several ways only need the assistance of someone who has the knowledge spying and can hack into phones and social media. For help, contact Metaspyhub@gmail. com for ass!stance.
My experience with living with a narcissist Husband is, I could never do anything good enough, no matter how hard I tried!
Same
Stop exerting efforts to please him .. he will never will appreciate what you are doing .... he is sick in attitude ..
Relax
I had to fix things around the house when he was gone and I would not tell him because he couldn't stand the fact I new how. To this day he doesn't know what my last job was for 6 years or what I did before that and we've been married almost 30 years.
My husband picked up a girlfriend 10 years older than me and kicked me out, I am free!!
Alot of them are just looking for a verbal sparring partner
Dont ever try to fix these narc relationships. RUN And never listen to any communication in support of it! Shockingly there's many a narc out there and with experience, self education, controlling emotion you just may find a compatible partner. Otherwise, your better off standing on your own and living a healthier life. Dont get sucked into a narcs life. Excellent presentation Dr. Grande!
Narcissistic husband will be jealous of the attention wife gives to children as he should be top priority.
and I actually thought most men were like that... Mine gets jealous even if they are sick and need my care through the night...sometimes he checks himself other times he stays mad and leaves mad.
yes. Defo.x and he didn't look after kids cook or clean.
So true!#
Probably why He doesn’t like my dog
Oh wow that is so true, that is my husband
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
I’m doing the no contact as much as possible because I’m still living with him after 16 years. Now it seems like I’m the one withholding everything and I feel guilty like I’m retaliating, but I need boundaries.
Quicktake:
1 Infidelity - sense of entitlement to something better
2 Controls her appearance
3 Her emotional needs are neglected - no true connection
4 Encourages children to disrespect her
5 Only his choices matter - no give and take
6 Jealous of other men
7 Envious of wife’s success
8 Doesn’t listen to her- and his responses are all about HIM
9 Downplays her contribution of taking care of household and children
10 Views her as his personal support tool - all about his needs
wow this is so on point!!!!
Describes my husband to a "T"
Jonathan David Cohen lall of the above except #2
Thank you!
O.G. Ace same
Why did I not know any of this while I was spinning my wheels for 18 years in a doomed marriage with a narcissist husband!?
Precisely ....Because of their charming in the beginning until they get you trapped.
34 for me. free at last. The words were not out there, the net not available. You can't know it if there is no language for it. Dr Ramani's videos are great, too.
@@taom9004 So true. You don't know what you don't know.
18 years goes by in a snap...so does 31...good news is you can always wake up one day, and change your life for the better
@@oilselevated4808 yes, at some point self preservation kicks in🙂
I was engaged to a narcissistic douche bag, he made my life a living hell. I’m so glad I did not pull that marriage trigger, thank you for this great video
Phew
How very fortunate for you to smell the coffee and break the engagement.
My dad checked all of these boxes. I always knew my mom was incredible because in spite my dad’s terrible selfishness, she was a warm and caring mother. You used one word that I always used when describing my dad. He never casually inquired about things. It was always an INTERROGATION.
His was a character assassination!
But then when you call him on it, the response is, "I'm just asking a question! You're so sensitive!"
@@ruthhase-gutierrez9830 Yes. It was either that or , “What are you hiding”? It kind backed me into a corner of becoming a liar so I could maintain some sense of privacy and then when I hated that trait in myself, I became an oversharer because I wanted people to know I had nothing to to hide. Funny how living with a narcissist can shape a personality in all kinds of negative ways.
Once the patterns are recognized, the love you once thought was a positive, becomes a drain on your life. As the rose colored glasses come off, so does your hope for a healthy outcome.
Narcissist Cannot love they have superficial charm they pretend love, they say all the right things at first.
That’s where I am. While Packing and Quietly Pretending I May Stay if,...
I cannot wait to Be Gone
I am Wondering if they are Even Capable of Pretending Spirituality, Even Reading the Scriptures and Praying, But Able to Lie, StoneFaced.
I am so damaged I cannot even Believe if this is Real. There have Been a Changes but Still I Feel Like I am Being Lied to,... Can they fake even Being Spiritual?
This is so messed up
Thankfully I Know my God is Going To Either Help Get me Out of This or he Really Will be Radically Changed
I don’t Know if you are a Believer bit he is Actually Asking for the Baptism of The Holy Spirit and Fire!!
Can you do that if he is Truly Given Over to Evil?
@@SherryONeill Run and never look back, you will gain your life back with each passing week. Trust yourself and your gut instincts, you will forget that narc ever existed in your life. I am one year out and have a wonderful life now. Stay strong, listen to pod cast from survivors, heal and thrive again.
@@SherryONeill Hope you've already ran like I did, I look back now and think how lucky I was to get away, peace and love to you🌻
Once saved the holy spirit enters automatically. We 're in church age. Yes they can feign spirituality.
He says he can’t recall whilst I can never forget.
Yes he can't recall but let him see you just talking to another male. He'll never let you forget.
Right? He brings up things I've done years ago but he can't remember draining the bank account two days ago.
Exactly what my ex narc said ! I was isolated and judged and never good enoug. He had an ideal in his mind and I was 'fat' frumpy , controlled by him he was extremely jealous. And apparently I had a 'string of men' even though I was very ill with a serious heart condition his cruel behaviour made it worse and he cared not.
Damnit girl i feel ya
@@steffiebeffie3468 BINGO!!!! 🖐️
Two years after ending a six-year relationship with a narcissist, I still suffer from PTSD. Now, I’m in a happy, stable relationship, and I’m healing. There is life after narcissistic abuse.
Diana please can you tell me how you met someone else?
I was in a verbal & physically violent horror of a relationship for 7 years. Threw him out 3 years ago but I still haven't met anyone. I'm too terrified to go on dating sites as others have said that this is where narcissists go to hunt.
Please any tips welcome. Thank you very much.
KateMate * I wish I could say I did something to meet him. As it happened, he was an old friend who walked straight back into my life. Jim and I were friends from graduate school, but we had gone our separate ways and hadn’t seen each other for about six years. Then, we happened to be presenting at the same conference. He searched the building for me, and I was outside. The door opened and he walked straight toward me. We’ve been together ever since, and its been over a year now. I suppose the point is that the right person might come into your life when you least expect it. I hope that happens for you.
L. Rachel My ptsd has manifested in feelings of sadness and despair, panic attacks, lack of interest in things that used to excite me, disruption of sleep patterns, increase in alcohol consumption (self-medication), withdrawal from social situations, and feelings of inadequacy and decreased self-esteem. It may be different for others, but my therapist says I’m still going through trauma from the years spent with my ex, a time she calls The Shining (because he seems to have gone mad and become increasingly abusive in the last two years, after we moved into an old house).
L. Rachel I hope can get some help. It’s nothing to take lightly. That’s for sure.
Your statement just gave me hope maybe there is life out there
I've been married to "THIS MAN" described in your video for 52 yrs...some of us can accept and hang on, but the PAIN in this marriage can never be explained or understood by others, and why you continue to live with, and hope that the situation WILL CHANGE one day in the future.
You come very close, to spot-on, describing a covert narcissistic HUSBAND, especially mine, etc.
Thank you...
So sorry. I'm right there with you! Constant criticism, anger, never good enough. They also do not know the meaning of the word "love" There is none.
My husband is a narc and knows it. I have ASD. In one of our last fights he said he’s trying to learn so much about ASD so he can accomodate me better, I should start educating myself on how to handle people like him better. As in ‘Have you ever did some research on how to treat people like me?’ I just kept quiet as saying ‘they say I should run’ was not going to help my situation. I love him and I know he loves me (or he think he does) I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t want to live this way. Yesterday I got mad because I have to do everything while he sits in front of the tv. He knew I was upset. Today on my way home he called and asked me to do stuff for him (buy stuff and take it to him which would take another hour out of my day) I told him I can’t and he got really mad because I’m never willing to do anything for him. I’m burning out. If somethings wrong it’s my fault. I have no life of my own. Just work, kids and household. Some days I don’t mind and just go with it and other days I’m at breaking point. How do we find a middle way?
I’m still with my NPD spouse, 35 years. There are a lot of reasons I’m still with him. He knows I’m onto him. I self isolate (withdraw for my sanity), I don’t sleep with him anymore, now four years. I am afraid that he will bankrupt us if we separate because he can’t manage money. I’ve always managed the bills. But he won’t leave, and he won’t take my separation papers seriously. He says, “ you loved me at my worst. Why can’t you love me now that I’m better?” he believes he’s better because he’s giving me my privacy, while at the same time wanting to work on us. I keep telling him I can’t work on us or consider his sexual needs when I have to work on myself.
He can’t understand why I don’t want him now that he’s being respectful to me. I said, why would I want to embrace the person who has hurt, crushed my spirit, and abused me?
Exact same story for me still here, and still very miserable and depressed every day
I collected the husband's behavior character, until those symptom led to the NPD and found this channel. It took me 30 years to understand the cause of my depression, confusion and emptiness. Thank you dr.Grande. Especially after realizing that many have the same fate as me. ❤ we are strong and we are deserve to be happy just the way we are💐
💝
I was in a 20 year marriage feeling empty, loveless, and starved for affection. The ex also turned our son against me. The ex manifested all 10 signs that Dr. Grande spoke about. Only after he kicked me out did I realize he was a narcissist.
He is now on his 3rd wife.
My son and I are great now.
Red flag 🚩 If you’re dating someone who has no relationship with his adult children, investigate why. Could be a narcissist.
I think this has been my cause for depression and anxiety’s 😞 I just left but, I was starting to believe I wasn’t good enough and that I had bad hygienes, come to find out my bad one was not cutting my toes and fingernails right 😳 I’m on the road to recovery with my family and friends… thank y’all for helping me understand what was wrong. I’m not perfect but I’m not just cute, I’m me..
Why it takes so many time to recognise
@@knittingpassion6106 It's the lead-up to it that people don't recognize. Once you're in the middle of it, it's a little clearer. And if you happen to have been raised in the same sort of household, it seems familiar somehow, if not comfortable.
AKA...10 things I wish I knew several years ago. 😅
We need to teach our children that narcissist exist. Then remind them again when they start dating
Christine Wyrd same here
Wish I knew this before marriage
Amen I never saw it till it was too late he was not a good husband and a terrible father🤭😢👹😭😭😭😭
I hear you. Ice been avoiding this one from Dr. Grande because I couldn't deal with my past memories
Me to, 😅😅😅😅😅😅
Very accurate! A narcissist is truly a scourge in a marriage. Plus add financial abuse, withholding money for necessary things, isolation, getting others to dislike her who haven't even met her, daily criticism of everything she does, and sudden rages. I live with the signs you listed plus others. It's not easy to leave once women reach senior years but hopefully your advice will help many others to recognize narcissism and escape from it.
My wife and I are on the edge and about to break. She sent me this video. I’m going to do my best to learn from this. I’m seeking professional help as well. Thank you for hitting me straight with the info. The hardest part is not realizing I was the broken one. I hope I can figure it out before it’s too late.
You must be a God's child to be able to come to this stage of realisation, God loves you and your family ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Are you sure you’re the “narcissist?” If you truly self-knowing and believe you are these things he discusses then I commend you. It will be worth it and you’ll be so much happier not being that way.
Buuut… you are awfully willing. You either love your wife with all of you and/or you don’t want your life to fall apart or your wife may be have at least some blame in this, if not being the narcissist herself. Be honest with yourself and it’ll only benefit you. I wish you the best.🙏🏻❤️
@@avelee8.21.7BC it is all me. She was perfect. Kind and sweet. The issue I was facing was I didn’t know how to communicate. When I wanted attention, affection, contact, or love, I would hurt her emotionally. She would chase me and I’d feel wanted. She was showing love so I thought she was happy. I was never not happy, I just didn’t know how to express my needs, so I used narcissistic traits subconsciously to get what I wanted. When she finally snapped and told me she couldn’t do it, I realized what I had been doing. I learned better ways to communicate. I love her dearly. We are working on things together now (she thought I’d move on when she told me she was done). I admit all guilt and I’m working hard to treat her right. Thank you for your kind words!
Bless you for the realization. I encourage you...this can be changed and stems from childhood trauma. God bless
Good luck x
There is only one solution , get out. You can not help these men. These men are dangerous and will destroy you. Out after 14 yrs. Stay focused on your escape , pray , and love and be gentle with yourself.
I am going to piggyback on that statement about getting out. Yes get out, but watch your back. Rejecting a narcissist could get you killed.
Jennifer Wills This is honestly my fear at this point. And our children are so young I cannot go “no contact.”
@@Tara-id3rk I think you can get a temporary emergency restraining order and go to a Battered Women's shelter They had them when I left a Monster in 1985, look at what Chris Watts did he killed his entire family. I had to leave the minute he left for work I had rented a U haul and just took what we had to have to live left him everything. I had to move to a different city to hide.
@@Tara-id3rk Hi Tara, I was a child in this situation, 100% do whatever you can to keep your children out of there. Children can pick up on all of these energy from a parent like that. My mother didn't get us out of the situation until I was in my teens and told me she thought she was doing right by giving me a present father.. I'd rather have had no father present at all than live in a household of eggshells and dread! Follow your gut, if it doesn't feel right then theres nothing wrong with protecting your children!
Ciara Mc That’s good advise, thank you. My toddlers desperately want their father around but I can see the turmoil he imparts on our family system. It’s very difficult. I don’t want me son to end up emulating his father and I don’t want my daughter to believe men can treat her abusively.
I was married to a narcissist for 6 years. He nearly destroyed me and our children, aged 3 and 4 at the time. The three of us have been diagnosed with PTSD and my adult daughter and I are still in therapy after 40+ years. I only live with my cat now. Nonjudgmental love is great!
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Have you tried EMDR for the trauma? I was with mine for 34 years, and getting some relief with EMDR.
@@clarkscannabiscare5170 What is EDMR?
My relationship with my CAT is the best, longest, most enduring Love I have ever felt in my life!
@@cultureal9544 My cat is my best friend, constant companion, confessor, even a heater at times. There’s no way she’s “just a cat” she’s a member of my family!
I was married to one for 17 years. Most days I walked on eggshells. Never knew when his mood would change. He didn't like when I did anything for my kids. But I would do the same thing for him and it was alright. Had alot of friends when we met, but as time went by he was very unsociable with them so eventually they quit coming over. Just so it would keep peace with me. Hard to communicate with. When he would hurt my feelings and I would cry he would ask what I was crying for. Glad I'm not with him anymore.
Ohhh wauww you described my life‼️‼️I'm still married to mine i want out but don't know where to go with my daughter
I wish that I knew this so long ago ...amazing how accurate and consistent it is!
Exactly what I'm going through right now. I feel even very silly to address him my husband. I'm very much confused as to how to get out of the relationship because I am mentally 😩 exhausted.
I am trusting God for the exit process because I can't do it anymore. I need my sanity to be able to be there 100% mentally for my Children.
You go, Princess Warrior. Without that anchor around your neck, you are now free to do YOU...it all starts w that beautiful full breath of FREEDOM 😁👍
I was married to a covert narcissist. I believe there may be different patterns of abuse between an overt narcissist and a covert narcissist. My husband was the opposite when it came to sex. Before marriage, he couldn't keep his hands off of me, but that completely changed on the wedding night. In the year and two months we lived together, I can count on one hand the number of times we were "intimate." There was zero affection, zero empathy, and he was stone cold silent most of the time. I was emotionally starved, isolated, gaslighted, always the crazy one, and often went hungry. Thank God I got out before I caused myself harm.
Me too. I’ve been in a divorce battle for over 6 yrs. I’m glad you got out. I’m still trying.
@@barbdixon7785 don’t give up
I'm living your past nightmare and scared to death I can't escape! He claims he will destroy me!
@@kourtneymilne6728 I’m so sorry. You’ve got to get some help. Reach out. Start talking. Keep exposing. Take care of yourself and do what you can to educate yourself and your family and friends. Get ahead of the smear campaign and start your underground separation. I will pray for you.
You and I experienced the same!!
This is exactly how my husband is and how he treats me from 1-10. Thank you Dr. This has opened my eyes even more! Im trying to get a job so i can take care of me and our daughter. I wouldve already been gone if we didnt have a child together. But I feel I cant just leave without making sure i can take care of her myself.
How are you doing 😊😊👋☺️
I'm in the exact same position, I hope you can make it out I need inspiration 🙏
It's important to get out - network to find out how other women deal with the issues of no money: EBT, part time job, counseling, social services, etc. It's there: don't wait too long.
Am in the same position,15 years down the line,4 kids he even brags i cant do without him
@Kezia Koryang are you in the UK or abroad?
I have been divorced from my narcissistic husband for almost 3 years now, and you couldn't have described my experience as his wife more accurately. Thank you for being so specific, and validating what I went through. This has been so encouraging!
I've been divorced from mine 35 years. It's been so wonderful!
@Janet Bishop Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Why do we feel the responsibility to change them?
This is exactly how my dad treats my mom. She recently got diagnosed with spondylitis and my dad acts almost disgusted by it and makes her feel like she's "faking" her problem 😑. As a child I was always told by him that my mom is "dumb", "fat", "toxic" which made me distant from her but now(after I turned 13) I started noticing how manipulative, sexist and hypocritical he is. Now everytime I stand up to him he starts getting passive aggressive and starts criticizing my appearance and skills. He didn't even help me when I was getting molested by a family member when I was a kid because he didn't want everyone to know that I'm "dirty" or whatever. He always wanted to mold me into him and whenever I had an opinion or interest he didn't like he mocked it, made me feel stupid for even thinking about it. He is the reason for my low self esteem and high self doubt. He ruined my mother's life to the point that she doesn't even want to get help for her anxiety and OCD because my dad labels it as "weak". Sometimes I feel as though I'd have had a better childhood if I had no father compared to his parenting.
One of the reasons I’m divorcing him, my girls don’t deserve to grow up with a parent like that. He criticized me for everything, I never did anything to deserve something only him. He humiliated everywhere, he talked trash about my mom, her partner and other relatives, but his family were perfect. He put his family and friends first.
That is sad.Pray to God for help.God helps me cope.
My father is also like that to a point where he almost made me hate my own mother... he always said "your mother is a prostitute " "I take care of your mother but she is so ungrateful" "I cheat on your mother because she force me to" As a child I believed him... I believed my mother was truly evil. How could I know that all my father wanted was to control us my mother and I. Now I don't know what happened but one day my eye opened... I was 14 years old and I discovered that although my mother knew I hated her, she never abandon me either, she tried to improve for my sake and she Never said something disgraceful about my father while knowing very well that my father was talking evil about her to me. After this revelation I changed attitude towards her and I started supporting my mother more but my father of course didn't like the fact that he couldn't control me anymore as before and now he says to everybody that I am a rebellious child and that my mother and I are comploting against him... He is still my father but I feel both distrust and anger towards him now. How can a parents try to push their child to hate another parent it is truly evil.
Have mercy 🥺🙏😪God please help this family give them the wisdom to get away from this demonic influence in Jesus name 🙏
More than likely you WOULD have had a better childhood. Spend as little time with him as possible and prepare to get away as soon as you graduate. Also, be proud of yourself for being so intelligent and seeking the information you need to understand and protect yourself. Best wishes to you!
1. Superiority and entitlement
Superiority is the No. 1 sign of a narcissist. This is different from self-confidence alone. The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top-which is the only place they feel safe. Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone.
2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation
Another core narcissist trait is the constant need for attention-even just by following you around the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something to grab your attention. Validation for a narcissist counts only if it comes from others. Even then, it doesn't count for much. A narcissist's need for validation is like a funnel. You pour in positive, supportive words, and they just flow out the other end and are gone. No matter how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them, or approve of them, they never feel it's enough-because deep down they don't believe anyone can love them.
3. Perfectionism
You can spot a narcissist through their extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.
4. Great need for control
Trying to grab control of everything is archetypal narcissist behavior. Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they want to do as much as possible to control it and mold it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control-of everything.
5. Lack of responsibility-blaming and deflecting
Lack of responsibility is a glaring sign of a narcissist. Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results-unless, of course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don't go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you
6. Lack of boundaries
Many people lack boundaries or cross other people's boundaries regularly, but among narcissists, this is status-quo behavior. Narcissists can't accurately see where they end and you begin. They are a lot like two-year-olds. They believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do
7. Lack of empathy
Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others; this lack of empathy is a hallmark sign of narcissism. Narcissists tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. They expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.
8. Perceiving everything as a threat
Although they're highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others, narcissists frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. Unless you are acting out your emotions dramatically, the narcissist won't accurately perceive what you're feeling. Even saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you"
Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Hackspyhub@gmail. Com , where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
I wish youg people were taught this stuff in school. Would it make a difference?
@Frani Dance - yes, this stuff definitely needs to be taught to kids in school. And they need first and foremost to be taught about empathy. Because, unfortunately, empathy is not something you're born with, it's something you're (usually) taught by your parents. And this needs to be taught from a very early age. And then, when the children are older, they most definitely need to be taught at school about personality disorders, and about 'boundaries'. Boundaries are so important - narcissists test boundaries all the time, that is how they find their 'victims' - the 'victims' are the ones with poor personal boundaries.
It would have made a difference to me if I had been taught about these signs before getting engaged (though got out before marrying). Yes. Kids need to be taught the boundaries that are acceptable/unacceptable, and what is normal in a relationship and what is not.
Deirdre Clancy yes! ESP when parents don’t tell
You about these ppl.
They did teach this in ap psychology class in high school. I learned it and immediately put it aside in my mind after the test because it didn’t directly apply to me at the time. ::sigh:: youth.
I think so. Narcs are easy to recognize once you know the signs. And their patterns are identical.
We are so often taught to give people a chance, don't judge, be open and kind, yet rarely to just trust our gut and repel these demons. I also think it would be helpful if a young narc learned these things; professional help may make a difference if started early on.
Instead of SEX ED we need to show teens these traits about men AND women and especially the love bomb stage.
This a fact. I learned about Narcissistic PersonalityDisorder while I was in College. The part that stuck with me was the LOVE BOMBING PART. I remembered a lot of it and was able to END relationship after 3-4 months. But still it was NOT EASY. I had in that small amount of time became TRAMA BONDED. Now I knew I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, be with this person. But I still found myself driving around just to se if I could see his FAKE demented ass. This went on for a little while. I didn’t resist it. I just rolled with it until it until TRAMA bond was broken. I have not looked back except for at times I might get pissed and want to knock a few front teeth out. I’m back in therapy. I also have been able to see I’ve dealt with this type personality previously. And I can spot em right out the gate now. They are ALL OVER THE DAM PLACE. FAKING AND SHIT BUT ALSO causing some serious hurt and TRAMA to others. Sometimes death to others. I don’t play with them. I have Acquired my CCW’s and purchase a few weapons. Taking classes at range. I’m NOT THE 1. I told him. Make my day. I ain’t seen his ass since..
@@teesahurt2074 you sound kinda crazy
@@TwofourA I don’t associate with Narcissistic individuals.. bye bye.
Crazy with a big fat Masters Degree, how bout yourself. Lol. Beat it. And stop hiding
Absolutely!!
10. Entitlement to infidelity / fantasy
9. Arrogance (offended by fidelity)
8. Superficial (re: appearance)
7. Disregard (emotions of partner)
6. Triangulation (manipulation)
5. Jealousy (or anyone opposite)
4. Isolation via ENVY (hostility)
3. Devaluation (any accomplish)
2. Demands your silence/Attn.
1. Downplays any Contribution
0. Criticism of said SERVANT™
...gotcha. now what about the men? =)
@@misterhappy5462were you triggered in some way? Why? 🤔
@@mariia1849 ...says the humorless feminist lol
@@mariia1849 the karen-esque projection is real! 🤔
@@misterhappy5462 oh jumping right into attacking personally. I see.
I’m the son of a narcissist, abusive dad. I’ve been looking at helpful videos on narcissists for the past couple of years. Thanks so much for this one! Hearing all of these examples brought back some bad memories, but in a very positive way. Because it helped me make additional sense of everything I had experienced watching my parents interact during their marriage. I cut off my dad about five years ago. One of the last conversations we had was about my mother, who he’d been divorced from since the mid 80’s (he’s on his third wife now). He was still insisting, all these years later, that any money from their marriage had all been his. Even though my mother had a successful business during that time, just like he did. Not to mention she raised my brother and I with love, when he was mostly being indifferent or going into an angry rage about not being appreciated. The other example that hit home was being critical of appearances. My father would belittle my mother if he didn’t like her hair or what she was wearing. Watching this video helped me realize I made the right decision to go no contact. People like this never change. Thank you!
Your last sentence. So sad for me to realize the inevitable. My marriage is dead.
@@Lexilea68 - Yes, it’s sad and very painful. But I’ll say this: Even if your marriage might be dead, you’re not. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but finally realizing you made a mistake is always a step in the right direction. And that’s true whether you’ve been married for one year, or thirty. Make this the first day of the rest of your life. Do not be like my mom. She waited for my dad to toss her aside like a piece of garbage. Her self-esteem never recovered and she hooked up with another jerk. But you’re here! Which means you’re different. So you understand that you’re worth more than what you’ve been getting. Never settle for less than what you’re worth again. Best of luck to you.
@@finster1968 Thank you for your wise input. The pain is because yesterday he discarded me. Almost 4 years of marriage and together for four and a half years. It boils down to helping jealous of my happiness of wanting to sing and finding other jam band members just to enjoy a hobby. Bless you for your feedback which is very helpful. Take good care. Alexis
@@Lexilea68 - You’re most welcome. I’m glad to hear you have a passion to pursue. Keep at it! Anyone who tries to steer you away from hobbies you love is toxic. But I’m sure you know that already.
Your comments are very wise. It was a pleasure to actually read it.
Wow, this was my ex husband. He hid behind his military uniform. Loved others to acknowledge him when uniform was on. Camouflaged his cheating by being nice & willing to do things with ease so it would confuse the possibility that he would cheat. Very cunning individual. So glad I'm free!
Thank you Dr Todd Grande
If only I knew tens of years ago that there are people like these.
Already 59 years old with two thirds of my life very much damaged and wasted, and children's lives negatively impacted.
I hope that they be healed and restored to live wholesome lives.
Thank you DrTodd Grande
Now I feel better working on leaving him .I was so patient for so long hoping I can prove my worth whereas a Narcissist would never understand or respect me.He blames me for all his failures .infact he is aloser!he has all the choices b foulmouths adjectives for me.Earlier on I was so shocked and hurt by his verbal, mental emotional abuses.i even attempted suicide .Somehow I have come out of it.Right now I only want out.Ironically he is the one who kept threatening me that he will leave me dump me divorce me.Finally I told him to get out of my life, he is just not being a man of his word .said he will stay stuck in my house unless I give Divorce . actually he knows that being a Christian ,I would not take this step.What the heck ,I sent a notice! Still he is around.abusing me bringing years old so called 'infedility' on my part and gaslighting me
Mary Ann Brown.........you told my story just now. My God in heaven took me through what you just said. He is so good.!!¡!!!!!!!!¡
I've llived all my life with a narcissistic man. At sixteen I knew he was mean. I thought he would grow to see his ways, but he got worse.
@@joybarla7963 we share the same story. God does not appreciate this abusive behavior. You are a precious jewel and his behavior is detrimental to your health. He has and continues to break his promise to love and protect you. Distance yourself while you are able, pray for direction, courage, and for your needs to be met. God WILL make a way for you. You can not make someone else appreciate you but you can appreciate and love yourself. Sending you a big hug and God's blessings your way. This man is practicing hatred, discord, and confusion. He takes pleasure in breaking your heart. You have to make a decision, seek the comfort of those who love you and prayerfully turn to help of others in your community. There's so much more for you ❤
Yes, please talk about the covert narcissist. Married to one 14 years! If hell was on earth, I was there.
Great content as always, dr. Grande! I believe the worst side of having a narcissistic husband is the feeling of having lost your whole life and youth, as in this relationship you have to give up your passions and your dreams. I spent more than 10 years in such a relationship where every single weekend we had to do what he wanted and generally it was having people at our house preaching him while I was the faded wife who only had to clean.
Dr. Grande is like a 'WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA'', when it's about mental health problems and personality disorder issues. Thank you doc 😃🇳🇱
You're welcome :)
Love listening his lectures as a 'podcast' while traveling to work.
Dr. Grande got me through my recent statistics course! Thanks Dr. Grande and I enjoy lectures on mental health and personality disorders also.
@@glennafranke7360 That's great to know Glenna, I'm happy for you 👍😃
My ex controlled my appearance in the opposite way. He wanted me to look bad/ugly so no one would want me. He did it by not allowing me to buy clothes, neglecting my health, etc.
This one is a huge one too. I looked homeless when I was with him. No doctors or dentists allowed if it interfered with my jobs at home. It always did according to him.
OMG. SAME. CLOTHES WITH HOLES AND UNDER WEAR. I WORE RAGS AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE ME TO A THRIFT STORE.
@@des4127 so sad so many of go through this.
YEP!!! The narc would get FURIOUS or find soooooomething to complain about with my clothing. Simple normal wear was viewed suspiciously. No tight clothes, cleavage, short clothes, high heels were not worn- even dressing up for weddings was a problem. His ex used to complain the same rubbish. But HEEEE could look spiffy and sexy. Nah.
@@francinesmith8109 My ex complained when I dressed down (didn't like they way I looked) and complained when I dressed up ("who are you dressing up for?")
I would also include isolation by making it 'covertly' clear to a wife's friends that he doesn't like them, in an attempt to get them to abandon the wife and communicate with her less, etc.
Or, in a beetroot rage, break every coffee mug in the house onto the concrete kitchen porch steps because Mom invited in next door for a quick cup of coffee w her friend Judy - then phoned over, requesting to speak w her, then growling 'get your ass home'. Excerpt from "Egg Shells to Exultations".
My ex would go fight my male friends and curse them out for no appearnt reason and for that they'll stop communicating with me
Yes and they are often reminding that no one likes the spouse they just put up with you.they make the spouse feel like no one cares for them
Or come on to your girlfriends to scare them off.
You just described my social life and what my brave friends and family members dared ask me if my husband hated them or not.
I don't have ANY friends over anymore when I used to be very popular and had friends over several times a week and invites every week.
Hubby hated it so he destroyed it, of course
Thank you for your videos. With an Overt Narcissist first he may make promises to change then when that does not work, aggression, and physical violence. He will try to get you back under his control by any means necessary. You are his property no matter how many times he has cheated and left you. I had to leave the state making it more difficult for him to have access to me. This narc traveled to where I was living 5 states away and tried to drag me back cave man style. I have read that the lesser narcissist has poor cognitive function and low impulse control. Some are even capable of rape when they suffer a narcissistic injury. While I believe all narcissist can lash out violently when enraged and suffering from a narcissistic injury it is even more so with the lesser. My experience with this narcissist was even if we separated and he had moved on with a new supply source he would still come around to make sure I was not seeing anyone. If I happened to start dating he became violent even when he was engaged with someone new. Most narcissist when they are love bombing a new supply source will not want the one they discarded in the picture at least in the beginning of his new relationship. If they are engaged with a new supply source and still Hoovering you for fuel they have a sadistic streak. This narcissist cheated throughout the entire marriage. He engaged in triangulation with his first wife. She was a constant in our marriage until her suicide. The Covert Narcissist may try to come back after they have been involved in a few relationships which did not work out. When they try to come back they are low on supply and suffering from depression because of a loss of narcissistic supply. They love to tell you about the relationships they have been in and now they are smearing the person they left you for. They may tell you the person they have been in a relationship with has been abusing them. The Covert may apologize for all his past transgressions and the way he discarded you. He will have an excuse as to why he was so abusive and cruel at the end. It can play with your mind wondering if he is truly sorry. He can even have tears. You have to remember the tears are for himself. He is down and out with no available supply source. You must remember how he was at the end when he discarded you and the mask came completely off. He will seem desperate to keep you around as the Hoover takes place. And he is desperate for narcissistic supply. This is a midrange narcissist I’m talking about here and although very capable of violence he needs to put on a good show to convince you he really is a good person. This narcissist really does believe he is a good person and needs others to see him as such. If you see through this narcissist and don’t buy his story he may leave you alone. He will slink away like the snake that he is in search of new supply sources. Narcissist don’t like to waste their energy and when he sees you are not buying into it he is forced to search out new supply sources. I say forced because it is life or death to him to keep the false construct in place. In order to keep the false self in place he needs narcissistic supply. He needs the admiration of others or he ceases to exist. When you no longer buy the lie he will move on. Covert Narcissist do not display the open grandiosity of the Overt. While the Overt seems full of confidence the Covert lacks self esteem. The Covert will use a lot of pity plays working on your sympathetic nature. He wants you to feel sorry for him. The Covert is a coward. In any case Overt or Covert they suffer a narcissistic injury when they are rejected by an ex. They think they own you for life. In both cases I left the state when my marriages ended:) Additionally there is no way you can be too sure that your spouse isn’t cheating behind your back. The only way you can be sure if your spouse is cheating on you or not is “TO FIND OUT“. Get to find out about a cheating spouse with evidence to prove it by spying their mobile and thereafter gaining access to all the things they might have been hiding away from you. If you need to find out about a cheating spouse; send a request to: *Metaspyhub@gmail. com*
You nailed it, that’s 100% my husband. I just got done going through breast cancer treatment and he was zero support to me. He never went to any of my appointments, any of my treatments nor any of my surgeries. He expected my family and friends to take care of me
Oh yes exactly the same here Mary! He actually made me apologise several times for having the audacity to get breast cancer and look after myself as he perceived if I dared to look after me then I wasn’t looking after him. Poor miserable manbaby! The end for me was long before this happened but that Truly was the absolute end for me.
I had to drive myself to the hospital for major surgery. I was in the hospital for 4 days. I only saw him for about 20 minutes a day because he brought the kids by. But when he had major surgery years later I had to stay in his room for the first 3 days without leaving except to get food.
I am so sorry.
People get literally sick while living with these monsters. I have known three woman who got sick with BC while living a life with such "husbands".
@@jen4601 l love term Man baby.
I'd like to add another trait, he keeps score on everything. If he does something for me he expects to be repaid in kind. If I can't repay he is angry.
He makes it as a competition like I'm coming down with something he responds I need to see Dr I think I'm getting bronchitis his sxs are magnified
Very true
Marian exactly he is a never ending score keeper. If the role was switched he would say I don't recall that conversation ... Just 3rd graders
If he says the way you treat me I'll treat you the same .
.. yes that an everything is a competition .. even if I’m sick .. suddenly he is WAY sicker than me 🙄
It's so good when you get out of such a relationship and realise you weren't insane. 😊
I can relate to every one of these signs, fortunately we do not have children together, but I do have 2 grandchildren. He started diminishing me in front of my first grandson, being hypercritical, judgmental, and controlling. When the second grandson arrived, I made it a habit to go to my son's house instead of the children coming here. He routinely diminishes my role at work, envies my salary etc. This video is very well articulated. I started discovering last year just exactly what is going on in my life and it's quite clear changes need to be made.
This was my life for 21 years.....so glad I was able to get out! Thank You Jesus!
Amen 🙏
@@rubymcclain5078 Amen. It took me 22 years and I didn't know what I was dealing with until I got out.
@@joanhatfield4039 Thank God… free at last! ❤️
Thank you Jesus because you are free!
I am in this kind of relationship for 30 years not the whole list maybe half but for me prayer worked and God have me patience, I really wanted my 4 kids not to grow up with out a father, now in a way I want to change that but it’s a bit too late for that 😔
This doctor is describing (to a "T") the "man" I was married to for 4½ long years. Back then, if I could have had someone explain to me about the existence of narcissists, I might have found someone else to love and marry. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand how my husband could treat me as he did, and therefore, I was never willing to let someone have that kind of power over me again, not even him, when he later tried to get back together. I was 25 when we divorced. He was sent to Vietnam, and in that year while he was gone, I lost both my parents just six months apart. After that, I went back and finished my degree, worked hard and made a lucrative living for myself, but I was in no way healed emotionally. So here I am, 53 years later still reliving and trying to get over what he viciously did to me verbally and how he made me feel so insufficient. I wish I could go back and relive those traumatic years, knowing what I know now, but I only heard about narcissists a few months ago.
So sad 😞
Do not dwell on the regrets only look forward and hold your head up high because you are a survivor and you have your life to live. I am sure he is not worried about what you are doing right now so please stop worrying about him and the abuse that he caused you. Live with no regrets ,regrets only cause sadness
@@XTIENNA Lesson learned here. I will never be a victim again. Someone else may be though 😉
Find God...build a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You will NEVER regret it. 🙏✝️
Thankful you left when you did. Unfortunately these scars last a lifetime 😢
This describes my ex-husband to a T. Every single point. 30 years of my life were WASTED on an abusive manipulator.
Me too, except that I went 21 years. Going through a divorce right now and my husband succeeded in filling every one of the above points.
I hope that you have good support and a good attorney, because if yours is anything like mine, he did everything humanly possible to try to destroy me in our divorce. Total smear campaign, lying about income, hiding money in his girlfriend's account, and lying to our adult kids about every thing he had done. He had taught them their entire lives that they never had to listen to me or respect me, and after the divorce, all four of them told me that they hated me and thought I was scum.
@@trappedinmn1 Yes, my husband taught the boys they didn't have to, or shouldn't listen to me either. My oldest son has already told me that he hates me and will never let his kids visit me. I think I have a good lawyer, but there is only so much that can be done with a prenuptial and my husband has already threatened to destroy my property in front of the police and the police arrested me when I tried to block him from destroying my work equipment. My career is completely destroyed by him, and I was forced to leave everything, all my clothes and I have no money and no car. I hope to regain some of my possessions in approximately 21 days after the court hearing. My brother is paying for my lawyer and I am living with my mother, otherwise I would be in a women's shelter right now. I had to leave my 16 year old son and my cat. My husband tried to kill my cat. I hope to get both of them back soon. Living with my mother is not healthy. She's 90% narcissistic. I can't seem to get out of the snake pit. I went from one to the other, God help me.
@@KatherynInc. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The worst part of all of it is having your kids turn their backs on you. I was a stay-at-home mother who supported his career while I was raising the kids, and I stayed with him for the sake of the kids. Now I'm broke, I've lost everything I've worked for and I'm trying to rebuild my life in my 50s. I don't even have relationships with my children. My whole life has pretty much been a waste because of that man.
@@trappedinmn1 It is not fair. :( I think their greatest pleasure was destroying any connection we had with our children. The look on my husband's face would light up a demon in hell with giddy delight.
Exactly! Spot on! These men destroy a woman’s spirit, self worth and self esteem. Recognize the signs early and leave the relationship. If you don’t, years later, you will have immense regret and sadness.
You know it’s difficult, but don’t realise just how bad it was until looking back on it all after you leave .
So true. Twenty years after divorce and his subsequent passing away, I still suddenly think of things that occurred and have these moments of enlightenment, saying "Oh, THAT'S what he was up to! " over incidents that just seemed strange or puzzling at the time they happened, and he would never explain - but ultimately led to some dirty trick or sabotage he was planning for me.
First. My husband to find my daughter. Inherited the same
Because you don’t have time to “think” in the middle of it all. We go, go, go putting one front in front of the other. It’s not until we get some peace and quiet before we can begin to think and understand what happened. That’s been my experience.
Exactly because the whole time I was like "it must be me".
@@mchris65 I had that thought too. Plus my Mom told me that it’s the wife who cements the marriage and the children will be badly treated if I leave. I had to decide with the 3 children at the back of my mind. It took me 33 years before I finally said “ Enough!” I had a sharing with my children and they also shared about how their Dad physically, emotionally and psychologically abused them. I
Yes, yes and yes! I've always been confident because I'm just happy to live life. I never worried about what others think about me. I come from a modest solid family. My husband came from a narcissist mother and father who has PTSD. I've only been with him 4.5 years. I'm his 3rd wife. As of today, I filed for divorce and moved out of my home a little over a month ago and he gave me the silent treatment for 4.5 months. I lost 35 pounds, now down to 115 pounds. I make more money than him, drive a luxury car, have no children and was never married prior. He has 2 children from each exwife. He hates me. He can't break me and I'm free. Blocking him and his toxic family.
Hi, how's your day going with you?
Hey! Congratulations on your new life! I hope you're doing well.
This describes my husband to a tee. He hooked me in at 19 and I feel so stuck with 2 kids and all the control he has over everything and how isolated I am still 11 years later. Right now I’m just trying to survive until my kids are out of the house. Then maybe I will be free. I honestly feel very validated just watching this video because of all his gaslighting and manipulation.
I am so sorry to hear that, I stayed as well as I thought my kids would be better in a home with mum and dad but o found out to my shame that the mind abuse hurt them as much as it did me I have 4,Wales 2 boys and 2 girls they all have issues with mental health and it is heartbreaking to watch knowing I contributed by staying and allowing them to go through that situation. The youngest was 16 before we separated and to be honest I would not put them through the trauma again. I have strong faith in God and that is what I rely on for their healing and it is slow as they work through the battles in their mind and heart.
I stayed . Wish I had left while my baby was little. I also thought she would be better with both parents. Not so. She is a mess. So sorry
@@pennyfry8291 I’m divorcing one, my girls were 6 and 3 when we separated. I think it’s the best for us.
@@carolphillips3068 my husband is cruel to me, but he loves the kids. He does upset them when they feel I am being attacked.
@@sunshinehurricanemix hi I am sorry to hear that can I say one thing I thought mine loved our kids and his way he does but and it is a big but it is not love when he is putting children through that abuse even on the periphery. Even if they are seeing ot hearing his abuse to you that is abusing them don't make that mistake I made thinking they are OK they are not the damage is deep and I see it in my adult children who now have major depression injuries. Major commitment issues, major trust issues and they learn from that behaviour and mimic it at times quite unintentionally but they do mimic. How you deal with your husband is your right but please re evaluate the effect it is and will have on your children in the long term.
After 20 years of marriage I finally understand what I've been dealing with , thank you
Run like you’ve never run before!
I wish I knew this along time ago. I’m working on getting out but I’m so emotionally exhausted.
Understood
Get out for your sanity sake.
I completely understand you. I'm going through the same thing. Keep strong
Yes, only be strong and have courage. These are the words God said to Joshua when he was to lead the Israelites to the promised land.
God didn't say we wouldn't have problems in life. In Job it is written, trouble comes as surely as sparks fly upward.
Don’t give up even though you feel exhausted. Your energy will return when you’re finally FREE of the Narc.
This is how my ex husband was and I would like to add.
#11 husband taking the wife's pay check.
#12 physical abuse
#13 verbal abuse
#14 husband making threats toward the wife.
#15 husband tricking and blackmailing the wife.
Exactly!
My 25 yr Olds husband is like this she has 2 kids from first relationship and just had this guy s baby she's married to him my family tries telling her he's no good always controlling what she wears can't contact with friends certain family members he's starting b physical now threatens her with dcf forces her sex so sad sorry u go thru this also
@@debratenney1689 Oh no I am so sorry. I hope that she can get away from him soon before it's too late. Much love and prayers to you all.
♥️🙏🏻
I can relate to all of this and then some
As the list goes on and on including death threats from the malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced.
Yes and leaving her in isolation and no support
Valuable information for young women who are contemplating marriage. Profound and factual. Thanks much.
Yes, a badarriage can ruin your life
❤🙏🏽
You hit the nail on the head. And I believe it is a form of mental illness, passed on generationally. My husband and I been married for 14 years and I struggle more with each passing year. So much damage. So much anger. So many tears......and yet he is impervious to it. Nothing including 3 counselors seem to be able to penetrate the Grey matter for him to make any lasting change. Like his mother....No matter what they say or do in their relationships, everyone else has the problem but them.
👍👍👍👍
Sounds like you've met my husband...I've never felt so good about leaving anyone✈
😁 mine too!!!
Never get married young, you don’t know a thing about who you want!
Don’t have sex before marriage do things how God said do them….it’s bad when the women who have fornicated and the man now they have a whole bunch of soulties and curses to deal with when they get married
@@latoyamairidith7756 Luckily your god is DEAD. Have a nice day!
I married way too young but at the time you think you know more than anyone. I see clearly now. Also I married out of the faith but God brought me through 391/2 years. So he & I both were young to understand . I’m glad he was saved & in Heaven today. Thank you Jesus 🙏
GAIL EDWARDS...how true.!! and How nieve we all are when we're young!..🙇🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️👎
Actually I would modify your comment just slightly:
“never get married young, you don’t know a thing about who you are”
Wow. I am divorcing at the moment and my husband's ending of our 30+ year marriage came seemingly out of the blue. This describes him perfectly. He has had strokes and a complete personality change but this illustrates exactly why myself and our 2 adolescent kids are so much happier without him! Thank you so much for removing any guilt I felt at the tearing apart of our family. Onwards and upwards!
God bless you and you be healthy and happy always
No guilt you did it for your family!!
That's really sad for everyone. I wonder if he realizes how much he's changed and how badly it's affected those around him? Is he aware of these changes, or does he not care? I've heard of this happening before. It's really sad. It's like the person died and was replaced with an imposter. I believe it was advised for the patient to seek help and was put on meds and therapy. I don't remember a lot about it or the outcome of treatment, but maybe it would help so he could improve for the kids.
Married 12 years and currently being discarded… again. No idea why. Again.
Sign #5 resonates completely.
My Nana held the place of my mother, and when she passed a few months ago at the age of 100, I attended her funeral alone - just like everything else.
It was there that I realized… he had never even met her.
My TV shows, movies, documentaries, etc are boring to him but I have endured “Dumb & Dumber” at least 20 times whilst wearing a smile.
6 years…but finally done ✅ Was a hard road but being free from abuse is so wonderful. Thank God we made it out.
I left my Ex-husband 6 years ago, but he was all of this to a tee. I still watch these to remind me of what I left and what to avoid. It's always shocking how these lists fit him in every respect. The worst part is how society supports him and I was thrown out as trash. Thats still the hardest part. I cant leave my city because of family court and its been nearly impossible to move forward. I lost everything, this affected all parts of my life, my career tanked, I lost all my friends, even family. I cant wait til the day I can leave here and start fresh with new people.
Delia King,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
Delia King,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀🌹
So sorry! Mine finally died. He'd kept his parents away from the kids and they finally contacted them for the funeral.
@@donnahilton471 omg. My exhusband mom died and he didn't invite our son or his bro to her funeral. Buried his mom in 2.5 days. Sad and sick
Keep praying n u will
It’s strange that we base a decision to marry someone on emotion. But when we are going to recruit a new employee we go to great lengths to verify they’re the right one.😯
Same with buying a car or house.
@@merrittascott3323 So true, I will never believe the advertisement as the real thing again.
I picked the wrong husband as well I divorced his a** but now it is already late I have been married for 20 years, I cannot get young again
Self-centeredness. That is what I see at the heart of our marital discord. My husband always puts himself first, wants to dictate everything we do because he believes he’s entitled to orchestrate our lives while I nod with acceptance. I’m so burnt out on this situation. I made a mistake. I took his self-centered persona as “confidence” after being married to a weak indecisive man the first time. And, my husbands mother always, always comes first. She strokes his ego like I am not prepared to do. Time to go my own way? Seems so.
Oh my God you describe my life also! Theirs selfish mothers are the center of their narcissism… so disgusting!
Run away from such beings! Women all around the world are doing so good in schools and universities until we all get married to shitty men!
You are literally describing my life... After a relationship with a man with a super weak personality, I was attracted to my husband's 'confidence'
Wow I'm not the only one... makes me feel not as alone... you described my husband exactly.
My wife wasted her entire life from age 19 to 85 trying to please my narcissistic father. He checked all ten of these boxes. It's sad to see how a narcissist can destroy another person.
My sons father starting devaluing me while I was pregnant. He made me feel fat and ugly, wouldn't touch me and made me sleep on the couch.
I can't believe I stayed with such a cold human for 12yrs
Wow and I thought my 5 years was way too long.... I had that too...made me feel more insecure about myself and he prided in that I got to marry a Dr.... but then I loved how he's not sure if I married up or he married up.. my parents are pretty affluent.
PurrPurr I think once the attention isn't all on them, they get upset. I was even shamed for not going to the bars while pregnant. I was raised by narcissists so I was repeating the cycle. You don't see it all clearly until you are completely away.
I hit 10 years and am currently divorcing. Life sucks right now and I am just working on piecing my life together and working on myself. My kids and I are in therapy. I sadly stayed too when he had broken his hand hitting me when prego and it was always going to change. . . . . .
Mine expressed absolutely no enthusiasm when I told him I was pregnant. The best comment he could come up with the night I had to go to the hospital was "I just want a tax deduction & a boy"! Lucky me, it just happened to work out that way December 31st.
Ok... Are you fat???
I had an ah-ha moment when in the midst of an argument he shouted " Just obey me ! " and I nearly laughed in his face ! I don't do obeying.
Good for you!
OMG That's shocking! I'm so glad you laughed at him and told him where to go! LOL
Or 'Just do as you're told' or 'women' said in a mocking derogatory way... So familiar
I was accused of 'defying' i.e. disobeying a man on a graduation day!!!!
I heard, "You never do what I say!" It blew me away. He revealed so much in that moment of honesty.
Me too that fool called me rebellious lol
Their actions will almost never match up to their words. In fact, they will be two entirely different scenarios.
Their exes would all be labeled “psychos, obsessed with them, stalkers,” or any other derogatory term , and they themselves will never take any blame for the relationships ending.
Affection and intimacy, not sex, would be lacking in any real sense of the word, unless its done for show, like in front of other people, but not when you’re alone together.
They will soon replace all the kind words they showered you with in the beginning with snotty condescending tones of voice which seem to only be directed at you.
They will little by little begin to make digs into your appearance, clothes, hairstyle, etc., to chisel away at your self esteem. Even though these were things they claimed to really like at the beginning of the relationship.
They will shower you with constant attention (calls, texts, emails, gifts, etc) initially then all of a sudden stop once you’ve fallen for them. When you confront them as to what has changed, they’ll insinuate that you’re needy or clingy or something along those lines.
They will bring a third person, place, pet, or thing into the relationship that will undermine your importance to them. (triangulation), as they spend more and more time with this 3rd person, place, or thing.
They will start to spaz out on the littlest things claiming they’re stressed out from work, life, duties, etc.
They won’t have the time for you anymore as they once did, and you will be made to feel it is something that you’ve done or haven’t done thats causing this.
Most importantly, YOU will see red flags, you will have a gut feeling that something is just “off” about this person, but might try to explain it all away in your own mind.
Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Very interesting. My ex husband had 8 of these 10 traits, only missing the ones about jealousy as he didn't care about me enough nor did he think ANYONE would be interested in me. One major thing I suffered was that he would shout at me and the children and feel no compassion whatsoever when we cried, it would just enrage him even more. Thanks for the video, I am glad this topic is now becoming mainstream as I suffered in bewilderment for years.
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Or make fun of u for crying
That's much closer to psychopathy than it is to narcissism.
I feel you, Katy... My ex is a very complicated individual. My family and friends think he's a great guy, and on paper, I guess he is - he's hard-working, sociable, faithful and pretty trusting of me when I'm around other men. He doesn't drink a lot, or smoke cigarettes or do drugs, and he's never been physically violent towards me...... But, he likes to be right about everything, he calls the shots and doesn't take any interest or place any importance on anything I say or feel. It's like he's incapable of empathy unless there's a situation that affects his life in any way. He feels very strong emotions for himself though. I've even see him cry when I have called him out on selfish and sneaky behaviour or for asserting control over me and the kids... He can be pretty harsh and demanding of others. We often felt like we didn't meet his expectations or standards. We moved out almost eight years ago and it's the best thing I could have done for the sake of the kids and my own mental health.
I was a jolly, sociable, quietly confident person before my marriage and I am slowly regaining my self worth back.
Good luck with your future and may you find true happiness.... With or without a partner.... We don't need somebody else to make us happy, and it's better to be happy and single than be trapped in a toxic relationship xxxxx
Oh my gosh you just explained my situation perfectly.
I'm actually packing my belongings up while watching this video.
He continues to come and tell me how awful I am and no one will want me I will be alone and become homeless.
Omg ....the words are familiar....you will never find someone like me ....pfft
@@jackierios3352 I was married for 25 years. I've been out for about three weeks. It's been such an eye opener of how manipulating he was. I must admit letting go of the anger or wish for revenge has been very hard. Not even entertaining the idea of tit for tat because ultimately they will win because we have a moral compass they do not possess. They will convince your children you are awful and undeserving of any love or kindness.
Run, go no contact or at least very limited contact and resist the urge to respond.
@@biblewalker I was married 23 years only out 1yrs and its hard ...I miss my girls terribly, but they chose him. He used them to get me to come back. It was a nightmare. He called my family ...people he barely spoke to and slandered me that was one of his threats that he followed through because I didn't come back. I was angry, hurt and recenteful. Recently he has been opologizing, saying I forgive you and I'm sorry for what I did.... confusing ....I just miss my girls.
My boys do still talk to me but they think I'm horrible. It's been so hard and I cry a lot. But I found a job finally and start soon. The place I signed up to volunteer hired me for as a manager and I got a job at a bank. The same day just as I was losing hope.
Keep going, I've been out about a month now, it is getting better. I have hope.
Your right about no contact! He has my boys believing I'm awful but they do still talk to me a little. Thankfully! I've been out just over a month I'm finally having hope for the future. I start my new job in a few weeks and I'm gonna do this!
Just one little observation: with a narcissistic husband, and with those characteristics, it's impossible to be in a "stable" relationship.
What happens in the wife's mind is either she's in a semivegetative activity, because of the fear, or she's just waiting for the right moment to leave, wich she knows is not going to be a healthy good bye , so she has to really prepare for that.
jess lazz So,so true !
I was once one of those women, waiting for a good time to leave, knowing that it was going to be ugly and painful. You try so hard to make these types of men happy, but to no avail. Glad I got out!
Jess ....gosh thats exactly what happenwd to me....I planned my low-key get a way....we ve been divorced for 10 yrs now.
You nailed it!! I am wanting to leave but have no way out at the moment
@@Christy-mw9sc pray plan pray plan and it WILL come to pass.
I went back to school because of his treatment at age 42 (I had a good education background). After graduation I got a good job and we agreed to move to different state (1500 miles away). But he never moved with us because of many reasons such as there is no place to put all his tools and he knows he can't treat me like the old place b/c now I made more money than him and I am a doctor (PharmD). I moved my kids away from that toxic environment. They thrived in the new place, had their own room. He is an engineer and a cheapest man alive. He was mad all the time. He is very moody that what I called is emotional roller coaster. He finds reason to fight with me all the time even when we lived apart. I am happy that I made a right decision to save my kids future. I should write a book about successful handle a narcissist husband.
This is a fantastic video. It explains exactly what I have been going through in my horrible marriage.
Did you leave? What will you do?
@@NichelleLC Ask yourself, "Would you like to live in this type of nightmare with this person for the rest of your life?" That should give you the answer.
As a stay-at-home mom to five children, I wasn’t allowed to adjust the thermostat in our home because, I “didn’t have a job”
(edit) I sense some judgement to the fact that I have five kids, judgey or not I should’ve maybe clarified ... I had three of my children with my first husband who sadly died when the kids were 5, 3, + 1 years old. And i was a single mom (read: vulnerable, lacking confidence I’m sure) for 8 years before i met ex-husband/malignant narcissist. and truth be told, there were red flags from the outset, but I chose to ignore &/or he explained them away. clichė as it is, I made myself keep believing things would get better, he’d change. I was a fool and naive. My children and I have paid a hefty price. and continue to do so; he has unleashed all hell since the separation and subsequent divorce.
Terrible as if looking after his 5 children wasn't work. He would know better if he had to pay somebody.
Took 5 kids to figure him out?
@@FoFrx if you grew up in a world of caring people these monsters can play you like a violin they are master manipulators. Use your ability to feel against you . Dont judge unless you have walked in their shoes
@@backwoodsgeorgiagirl5594 poor kids
@@backwoodsgeorgiagirl5594 Im not judging either although if you make a comment that says that you made a bad decision for a husband and have 5 children with him it says a little about your judgement or lack of and who pays the price? The kids, and if you make a comment like that expect someone to point out the OBVIOUS. If his behavior suddenly changed that is one thing but to have 5 kids with someone who treats you like that is completely irresponsible to the human race.... and for you to defend it? end of conversation
Went through the person telling me how to dress. It infuriated me. I sensed it as a form of control. Weight criticism was profuse. He wanted me to socialize with whom he chose but was rude to my friends. It's great to hear these confirmations that I did the right thing....no contact. I feel happy and free.
Same here my man he's always on my neck about those things you mention
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
my husband is like that with my pals as well.
6 years of marriage. He spoiled all my friendships even professional . I saw none of his . And he blames i lack social skills .
I was turning into him. But a fight made me stand up for myself.
Now i stay silent. Whatever happens.
ADHD-> Codependency -> narcissist attraction -> bipolarity & depression -> morbid obesity. ...and the impacts continue.
Yes I'm living with guilt, low self esteem, lack of confidence, frustrated and confused all the time..
Thanks for all you do! You have helped me understand my situation in a very confusing marriage and awful situation!!
It has taken over a year but the divorce was finale 2 days ago. I am so relieved and feel free for the first time in 23 years. So happy it's over! I went completely no contact and kept a restraining order in place for the next 2 years.
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Kudos to you! In time now you will experience that you get your peace back, that you are not in the defence anymore, that it's best to be alone than to be with someone who makes you life miserable. You will begin to enjoy life like you used to. Best of luck to you! ♥️👍😘
One of the clearest videos. Married for 33 years to a narc. Thanks for showing a way and giving me belief and strength to be out
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.
Devorce is a sin ! Build your marriage based on faith to Jesus Christ . Read the bible . Take your time everyday to talk to the Lord . For sure your marriage will be heal 🔥
I asked my husband if he has any beautiful memories of us together and he chose a butterfly conservatory we went to in our first year of marriage (we're on year 21!) I'm beginning to think it was all a mirage!!
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
He described my whole relationship not married engaged. He was a habitual liar and cheater to this day he has not admitted to cheating. Mind you I saw the text to different women and he married one of them 3 months after our breakup we were together for 9 years. Before I had even moved out I saw the text to his now wife and another 2 women he was dating. It is crazy how these people live. Now he has this poor women moving to the US to be with her husband with her 5 year old son where she doesn't speak the language to be with him and be abused.
The reason he is even gets into long term relationships is because he can't be alone for even short periods of time he needs people around him. In addition to that he is a slob he won't clean or do house hold things unless he has no choice so he gets a women to do it all and then treats it like what you add to the house cooking cleaning add no value at all. This was a man that basically asked me what I was good for when he hadn't cleaned a toilet in 9 years or washed our daughters cloths in the 5 years she had been alive. I became suicidal and it wasn't until 3 years after getting over it and being disguarded that I realized through the whole time that I was suicidal he never once said anything like " its going to be ok" "we will get through this" literally no form of support or concern for me at all. Those are the things that keep me no contact with this person and pitty his new wife
This is exactly how my ex wife was. Cheated on me with a co worker 24days after getting married. Then came to find out that was the tip of the iceberg.
Thank you Dr.Grande, you’ve just reminded me what a great guy my hubby is - not a narcissist, for sure.
I used to think the same. I hope you never end up feeling like I do-I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.
Honestly, I'm not sure what's going on. My husband has anxiety that he never has learned to manage, just occasionally took antidepressants. While he was off, he got sick, had to sell his business, had a hard time finding a job, and buried his father. I finally got him to his dr for a new antidepressant, but he is perfectly and consistently exhibiting every sign of covert narcissism. I don't know if is a manifestation of the depression (and maybe wrong meds) or if he was like this all along and the mask slipped when life became overwhelming. His brother is an overt narcissist, and they USED to be exact opposites.
Wish I could say the same thing about mine.
Wow. Took me 10 years to figure out what this was. And now I see it so clearly! He used to mock me when I cried and even told me he owned more of the house because he fixed everything. Totally neglected that I cleaned, took care of kids, etc. Because he fixed things he was more important. Cannot believe I missed it for so long 🥺
Hi Coral, how's your day going with you?
I'm glad I found your channel. I didn't realize my husband of 25 years (and 13 years older) was a true narcissist. In 2018 we found he had liver cancer and he died at home 2 weeks later. Since then I continue having nightmares about him, and I seem to have stalled in moving on. I don't miss him, the house we shared has lightened in atmosphere but I am struggling to trust myself to make important decisions and to finally put myself first. I feel ugly and unworthy, I feel stuck. No confidence. He is dead now but the pain is still there! My sister sent me information on narcissism that is really opening my eyes to my husbands abusive personality. Maybe now I can finally break free!
God Bless You, I hope & pray you find some peace in ur heart. What helped me was to talking outloud to our father in heaven it a loud me to put everything into perspective & gave me clarity when I would ask for his help & then when I finally decided I couldn't do it a lone so I put it all in his hands to do with as he seen fit.
I released that burden & a hugh weight was lifted from my shoulders..
"IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO FREE URSELF"
Best to you dear one. I hope all goes well
Mary Carroll I feel I'm doing better, thank you for asking! I've got my home for sale and I'm getting a motor home to do some traveling! At least that's the plan. The nightmares have calmed down thank goodness and I'm gaining a little more confidence! 😊
My Narcissistic ex is dead I don’t know how I was able to get out. But I did you can to. Run don’t walk. He will keep abusing you.
Thank you!!! You literally just described my husband to a tee!!! It’s painful! Trying to figure out how to leave quietly!!! Blessings 💫
I'm with you
Don't leave. Does your husband know that he's a narcissist? My wife is a narcissist, but she doesn't realize it. I could have walked out a long time ago but I didn't. For the past 2 years or a little longer she has made me believe that I'm a loser. That I'm some kind of monster. That I'm some kind of manipulator and deceiver and a narcissistic gaslighter. She has made me believe that I'm the narcissist and the gaslighter. But because of these videos and a few other things I've realized that I'm not. I know it's her, but she doesn't know that she's a narcissist. I'm not just going to walk out on her. Someone I've shared my bad, home and children with. I don't think it's right to just walk out on someone especially if there's a way that you can help that person. Don't just walk out. Try to help them
I am praying for you 🙏
@@bigcountrymountainman9740 I've discussed it with my husband and he won't have it... There is nothing you can say to a Narcissist that would make things better for yourself it will always backfire. I've stayed with my husband to protect others... that's all I'm going to say... Hopeless
My second husband had these traits. Married to my last husband for 37 years. A very nice man and a great father, thank God. 🙏🏼❤️
I'm happy you found someone good 😌
@@alison8606 thank you so much. 😘🙏🏼
Oh I'm very sorry about everything you're going through right now! You know is very painful trying all you can to make things workout for you and your partner, but nothing seems to be working out! something's can be so complicated at times. but we must do everything we can to be strong no matter what happens.