3 Types of a Daughter / Narcissistic Mother Relationship
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- Опубліковано 27 кві 2024
- This video answers the questions: Can I talk about themes that are evident in the relationship between a narcissistic mother and a daughter?
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Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
Määttä, M., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). “My life felt like a cage without an exit” - narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Early Child Development and Care, 1-15. doi:10.1080/03004430.2018.1513924
I was born into survival mode. Never had a childhood. Always tip-toeing. Always on guard. Never able to trust anyone because I couldn't even trust my mom.
I’m so sorry.
Melissa I too was born in survival mode and never had a childhood that was fun and loving. Even if we didnt know it at the time we were always treading on eggshells. I have had deep trust with people in my life because there are good people out there and I have always had to rely on the kindness of strangers- there are many good people in the world who will not let you fall through the cracks even if you feel that's whats happening because of your upbringing. We are complicated because we trust quickly out of survival needs and others may not do that.
It’s a hard pill to swallow... but I too was born into storm lands. Later in life when I learned what the “lizard brain” was it was my normal.
Me too! That's why I started stuttering. Fight or flight. Now I understand how my stutter formed.
Same, just it is also both of my parents
“The purpose of the daughter was to satisfy the mothers need”. Sums up my childhood
sadly same...
I hear you, Sister!
Me, too! And nothing was ever good enough!!
Black holes is right
Yes same ...such cruel people they are cruel mothers..they dont deserve to be mothers
"I tried to earn my right to exist by being useful" That's the biggest thing I've suffered with because of my mother's abuse. I feel like I don't deserve to exist if I'm not extremely successful and useful to others. I'm almost 30 and I still feel this deep sense of shame for just trying to live my life.
Gosh, I'm so sorry to read your comment. Thinking of you I hope that you soon feel like a Human Being, not a Human Doing. X
This deeply hit home for me. I've never seen it before this way. I thought that my restlessness was just that and that I am very ambitious in general. But only now at the age of 36 I am more comfortable with just slowing down because all my drive has gotten me to nearly a burnout.
You will be ok...you're still young. I know the difficulty understanding why things were the way they were. Don't let it consume you as a person. Use it as a learning tool to better yourself and ultimately you will be stronger than ever. I've spent my life studying people and human behavior. If we acknowledge and identify the evil...then and only then can we learn to defeat it. Your inner strength is there. Use it. You did not accept the abuse. You simply had to deal with it. Now it's time to shed the abuse and find a positive road to travel. It's there. Clear your thoughts and it will come to you. All the best to you.
I feel so heard and understood by this comment, I still feel this way even if I know it’s a result of a narcissistic mother
I definitely feel you on this. It’s like I’m always taking a new class learning a language or picking up a hobby…like I constantly need to grow and push myself but I take so little time to realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve accomplished. It’s like I’m burning myself out to prove something. 😩
I was diagnosed with depression at age 14 and my mother said “What do you have to be depressed about?” And the started lecturing about all the fucked up things that had happened to her in her life
oof- this one hit me. my middle school counsellor called home to tell my mother that I was suicidal, and when I arrived home, my mother began screaming at me because I “shouldn’t be putting this on her right now”
Wow what you said brought back so many memories. My parents split when I was 6 years old. We moved 2 hrs drive away and the courts gave custody to my mother. That is when all the crap started. We were allowed to miss our dad but not allowed to cry except for one day a week and then when we did she got angry about it. She screamed and shouted about it so that is when we started to learn to do things to make her happy. She took us to psychologists over the years because there was always something wrong with us and the problem were us not her. 2 years later we moved even further away from dad (12 hrs drive by bus and 9 hrs by car) Everything got worse then. She was far away from people that could hurt her and because she could not hurt anyone else then she turned on me and my sister. Shouting, screaming, hitting us through the face or a wooden spoon on our backsides. Her personal favourite was to making us feel guilty for things that happened to her. She learned early on that she could get away with that and still tries it if she can. I lived for the once or twice a year visit to my dad - we spoke to him about mum when we got old enough to but he was too scared to take us away from her. My sister became the extroverted rebel and I became the introvert that mum could control and bully and blame and ague with all the time.
EXACTLY what my mother said to me when I approached her about my depression at age 19. My father died when I was 7. I was an only child. Mom insisted that she had it much worse than me, and kept reiterating that we were so lucky to have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship, unlike all those other mothers and daughters who fought all the time. I hear you, Polin!
This sounds like me! My mom laughed that my teachers thought I was depressed!! There was so much neglect!
Alcoholism made her not care about anything. I still tried abs tried to make her love me.
One sentence doesn’t make ur mother a narcissist im assuming theres more to back
This up?
THIS: "I cannot tell my mother about the good events in my life."
It took me a long time to realize that.
I couldnt fathom the sabotage and bitterness to come everytime
Yes, I too learned to hide everything I cared about....lest it be destroyed.
Asperger's Adulthood
Same
Keeping everything close, as a means of self protection.
MAdemsoiselle Rhapsody
I remember getting a good job at one of our casinos in Vegas that paid really well and I felt so good. .these jobs were hard to get. .anyway I called my mom to tell her and I was so excited. Her reply back to me was. .you work where !! In a casino !!! What I'm a suppose to tell my friends. .I can't say you work in a casino !!! And she kept going on and on tell I felt so bad and totally defeated. .but at that time I still didn't know about narcissism. .
Aw, I’m so sorry you guys, that sucks so bad! ☹️ My mom is my best friend. I just told her about Dr. Grande’s channel and she came and watched his last two videos (the plandemic ones) and thought they were hilarious and subscribed and loves him now too. I can’t imagine not being able to share stuff with her. I hope you guys have found an aunt or a friends mom or someone else to kinda help take the older female role model place. Hugs! 🤗
"Mothers typically protect their daughters".. when it hurts your soul because you don't even know how that would feel
This breaks my heart. I’m not old enough, but I’m your mother now
@@jessicaferguson4518 ❤
I'm just coming to grips with having an unsafe mother (narcissist?) in charge of everything; while she taught not to trust men! So NO ONE could be trusted - but the message was misconstrued, in my (child) mind, so that I wanted to prove her wrong ABOUT MEN - since I already knew SHE wasn't there for me... How could her lesson possibly be true for the other 1/2 of the population?! Needless to say, multiple failed marriages/divorces in my relationship history! Having had no "mothering" but now allowing The Father/GOD to help me learn to love myself to enable me to re-parent myself, because of His love for me. I finally found my self worth, only 6 months ago (the inpouring of blessings was proof), after surviving suicide & finding GOD WITHIN ME (as I am a part of Him...as we ALL ARE). I WAS SAVED. WE ARE LOVE. WE ARE ONE. ❤️🙏❤️
I agree. I look at other friends or family members who have their mothers support has brought me to tears before. I’m envious of the support and love they receive. My daughter is 19, when she was around 16 it was almost a lightbulb moment of how Dysfunctional my relationship was/is with my mom. How I was constantly looking for approval, how critical she was/is of me, the difference of the way that I was treated compared to my brother who is four years younger (different dads). My mom has also talked shit about me to friends, family, boyfriends take anyone that will listen and then say to me “well this is what ___ said about you or this is what they came and told me about you. The people that she would be referring to was/is usually friends or boyfriend someone I valued close to me. She is extremely controlling no boundaries with what she can say or do to me. I took a hard look at my life and the patterns I’ve been allowing from relationships, friendship and my mom and realized something needed to change. I started learning more about myself, Actually knowing who I was, setting boundaries for the first time in my life at 44 years old, And started to sort through some childhood trauma that i never dealt with along with being raped at 21 from a guy who followed me to my house after I left a bar and raped me as my mom slept in the other room. I never told her until a year ago. I knew that she would’ve blamed me for going out or being irresponsible. Either way I’ve come along ways in the last year. Its a been a long and very difficult journey doing this alone. I’m stronger today but definitely have a ways to go..
I hope you find peace in life. I grew up with massive neglect... i hope you have found ways to cope
For the longest time, I firmly believed that there was something wrong with me. I was told that I am too sensitive or I was just crazy… and I thought all of the behaviors (ex. gaslighting followed by love bombing) were normal. It took me so many years to understand the reality of the situation. At that point, it was almost like I was mourning a death trying to let go of the idea of the parent that I desperately needed and accept that this person never existed. To those of you who are just starting that process, please be kind to yourself. It’s a long road.
I’m 74. It is indeed a very long road. But smile. If you’re lucky that road ends in a beautiful meadow of your own making.
You explained my feelings now. I feel like I made up a good childhood to recently discover it never existed.
@@crystald8465 Realizations can be very painful, but now the process of healing can begin. Wishing you love and support on your journey! 🙏👍
Thank you, I wish you well on your journey to healing ❤️
@@OhMyPearls thats a wonderful sentiment and much needed for people at a dark road and aren't sure where it ends
It's important that people who've walked that road talk about what's on the other side, that it's worth the difficult journey.
“The mother is not stable, not reliable and the daughter never knows what to expect.” Oof. That hit hard.
So true
Yea that hurt for sure. I remember panicking if I knew my dad wasn’t going to be there overnight (for work) I was 6 and had to worry if my mom could handle being alone over night with me. Looking back it’s so obvious she could have, but cared more about her needs than mine.
(Sorry trauma dump 😅)
When you realize you are happier without your mother in your life, going no contact is a breeze.
🙌 I’ve been no-contact for 11 years. I’ll be in therapy the rest of my life bc of the abuse I sustained.
Physical, emotional and psychological abuse.
I didn’t want her to keep hurting me. But I never mended. I allowed my husband to abuse me. I believed it’s all I deserved. I’m 74 and I never mended. My mother and husband are passed now. But, I know I didn’t have a childhood. Lots of cousins to play with but I always had to be the one to watch over them
It is but there is a longing that u wish u could have a real loving mother
That trick works for shitty ppl who are fathers, too.
So much, I've spent 40 years of my life striving to please her, not anymore and the peace is indescribable ❤️
"I have tried to deserve my existence by being useful"
- felt like someone punched my gut.
Yes, same here.
Wow, 27 years later and you've summarized my entire life.
If i don't get fired next week, I'm quitting my job next month. I'm severely depressed, and that job has definitely worsened my mental health, but I've endured it because of the health benefits it grants my family, who, like you just mentioned, see no worth in me unless I'm in a "nice" position at work, regardless of how broken useless and incompetent and harassed I feel.
But I've... Had enough. From my family, and my boss.
@@ThePress00 I hope you're well and you're able to move onto things that will make you happy!
Sometimes I try to think of it like this: when someone is happy and filling their own needs it is easier to spread that feeling of happiness. It is still hard for me to do things only for myself but thinking of it that way makes it at least partially for the benefits of others, too. It's a process!
Sounds about right.
I relate in a way. I was taught that doing things made me interesting, rather than to appreciate my inherent worth. As a result I now have severe anxiety in relationships about things my partners do better than me and whether I can "measure up". Working on this, but I'm not there yet.
I have a narcissistic mother. In one of my therapy sessions, my therapist asked me to talk to her like I was talking to my mother. I said "I'm exhausted of living my life trying to please you".
Did your therapist get it? One of the challenges I've found (before I found the videos) has been finding therapists who really understood the dynamic , and apparently that's too common
@@mrb4761 she did actually, that's when she said for what I told her she thinks my mom is a narcissist, I did some research and she checks all the boxes
I am also exhausted of living to please My mother.
my mother would answer "i never asked you that, you want to do that yourself, why do you try to please me, it's your problem". Gaslighting,you know.
@@mrb4761 Many therapists do not treat narcissist due to the difficulty in gains or improvement. The narcissist usually does not want to change, but everyone else should change.
How I paused to just cry in disbelief. All this time I'm in denial that my mom is actually abusive to me, she's this charmimg, popular, friendly lady towards her friends and general people I just couldn't admit that what she did to me was abuse. And now I just cried because it's hurt to fully acknowledge this bitter truth.
Sending a hug. I experienced the same treatment. My mother was so popular and charming with everyone around her except me. It took me years of therapy to figure out she’s a narcissist. We no longer talk.
I was emotionally and physically abused while listening to people say how wonderful my mother was....I never shed a tear when she died...🙏🙏
I'm with you. And others could never believe what I know my mother is capable of.
You are a beautiful soul who is loved so much. Your mother was sick in the head.
I hope you can forget her and what she did do you can live a happy life.
Don't give her your happiness.
Sister, i commiserate! I’m tapped at 15-16 yo in so many ways because of my hateful, self esteem stealing old B of a mother.
"The purpose of the daughter was to serve the mother's needs"
This.
Yes so sad!
Or 1 daughter is the perfect princess and the other is the scapegoat sacrifice.....me!
You are not alone... You are worthy you are beautiful and you're worth it !!!
Yes!!
Yup
"No safe place to turn" that's how my childhood felt.
Same here. No matter who I told or where I turned to for help, her fabrication of being a wonderful mother prevailed. I have accepted that she is the way she is, but still struggle knowing the rest of my family sat by and watched while I begged for help.
Yes yes yes!! This is my childhood too sadly
@@danielledantz1657 I can relate to this too! Not only did my family just sit back and watch, they joined in on the twisted manipulation. For a long time, I thought I was the crazy one.
I’m in my 40s and thousand miles away from my mother. I still have the same feelings.
Yes, me too. The place that was supposed to provide love and safety was the worst place to be
My mother is exactly all what was said. You learn to mother yourself and end up trusting no one. I'm a loner now and very independent. Sad but its one hell of a learning curve in life. I prefer animals.
😐same
I often wonder what my life would have been like if my mother was normal and loved me. Because of her, I never married, had children, was able to keep a job. I am in a constant state of paranoia. I even believe that she almost killed me as an infant. My life was a horror movie. My father molested me for six years because he noticed my mom's rejection and he had his own issues. I look at pictures of myself as a child and think of the tremendous secret I was hiding and how I held this burden for years. I was so brave. I remember I wanted to commit suicide at 12. I felt so ashamed to be alive. When I finally turned 18, I left and paid my own tuition at college. I started travelling. I did volunteer work. I was emotionally strong. The further I got away from my family, the more I thrived. I still struggle with instability. Its hard being alone. I've been homeless but I would rather struggle on my own than ever see her or my father's faces again. I can't wait til they die. They have no remorse. They say I was a difficult child. Everyone that knows me thinks I am a goody two shoes. The whole town knows how they treated me and someday when they die, they will know why I am not at their funerals. I've told both of them how toxic they are and how I survived without them. They are sick people who will never ask me for forgiveness so they don't deserve to be a part of my life. They missed out on all the love I have given to friends. They are the ones that lost.
My niece in walking in your shoes. I tried to open her eyes about my old sister she's just like your mother and was molested by her own father my sister husband. My narc sister does not believe my niece was molested and defends her husband. To get matters worse my niece just had a baby and is living as a single mom in their house 😢 I'm afraid he'll molest the baby. I can't do anything my niece does not want to press charges against her dad.
I hope you find peace and joy, and the love and acceptance that you deserve ❤
I pray you choose to heal and are able to heal in Jesus' name. Amen.
@Kakamg26 Pray them and pray for her. Instead of pointing certain things out. May be just try to offer her to move in with you if you are able to help her. People still love their parents and have a hard time accepting who they really are and what they are really about. I pray everything works out for you all in Jesus' name. Amen.
I had a narc. father & a mother who was tremendiously abused in her youth & my narc. father as well & she tried to commit suicide multiple times in her life!!
You know what is really insidious? The sixth sense that these daughters have when they can feel the narc mother preparing to inflict her damage. They brace themselves, feel the dread, hold their heads down and try to be quiet, hoping, just hoping to become invisible to the 👩
It is even worse when you realize you have done this not only with your mother, but your ex-husband, and most friends. I am amazed at how I have always had the next narc waiting in the wings for me to untangle myself from the previous one. This is the first time there isn't one (I have my kids). However, I only broke up with the final friend this week (12 year friendship) oh snap, my marriage lasted 12 years too... that's my tolerance level? 12 years? What crap is that. Sorry I digress. I have been studying narcissism for a couple of months now all thanks to my ex. He called me incredulous that he was diagnosed by the therapist his now wife is requiring him to see, as having NPD. We have raised two kids and occasionally are required to talk. I'm a good supply and stroke his ego so I can get off the phone in once piece. But in this situation... all I could do was laugh maniacally because I knew it was true. But this diagnosis for him has set off a ton of research on my end and my entire life makes sense for the first time in my life. My bff (pretty sure a covert narc) had a meltdown on me the other night at dinner after spending the day trying to start a fight with me over stupid stuff. I successfully survived the mine field just to walk head first into the explosion. Over a Facebook post that they disagreed with. I just wonder how I have been so blind for so long. I've been in therapy over the years but I never found it fit for me. Probably because I couldn't verbalize my childhood, marriage, life in a way that someone else could actually help me. I think maybe I can now.
@@kadrian9643 wow! I am so glad that you are finding your voice and realizing what was going on. More power to you, Kadrian!!!
Yessss!
Oh yes! I would try to be as unnoticeable as possible and would try to have my little brother behave because I knew better. If one of us did something "wrong" we would both get whooping of our lives. And then the emotional guilt that we caused it and she loved us.
Like living in a warzone just waiting for the next bomb to drop!
The holidays are here. For children of narcissists, it is NOT the "loveliest time of the year. "
Oh God. I got a flashback and then instant dread. It's awesome when the family offers to host dinner and your narc mother insists on doing EVERYTHING only then to turn on you. Aww the good old days.
@@Natalia-lk7hw omg ikr I'm so sorry!!!!!
My mother doesn't celebrate holidays, so that's either a good or bad thing 😅
It's sad really that I didn't have the joy or celebrating anything with my family
@@SusanJohnsonsuzvj I'm sorry, Susan. ❤
My mother likes to host the Holidays, my sister and I both have kids, she wanted to keep the kids in the room, away from us, adults only in the living room, and I said, "No mom, this is Christmas and my kids will be with us."
I think I have a relationship with my mom, that is 2 / 3 of what he's talking about.
My mother has tendencies of a narcissist. I describe her as emotionally immature and self centered.
She attracts people, then behind their backs, she despises them. A conversation must be about her, any conversation. She’s emotionally punishing, withdraws and pouts, love is withdrawn.
I can’t scramble an egg correctly. She knows all, and no one is better than her.
I’m old enough to understand her tendencies, and put up boundaries left and right, above and below.
My heart shrinks when she’s around. So, I stay away and live my life in a different way…
Therapy, therapy, education and marriage to a stable, kind, intelligent man.
Thank you.
God Bless u, U know my mother very well!!
You just described my mother
Excellent.
My mother and sister by the way. Please pray for them. And me.
When the most dangerous place, physically or emotionally, is your own home, you don't feel safe anywhere.
I feel so sorry for any daughters of narcissists who have to sheltering-in-place with those parents during this pandemic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
children of narcissists in general
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I live next door to my my mother, and its been a challenge! I'm unsure if she is narcissistic, but the way she acts makes me think so, when I was a kid she never told me she loved me and it was obvious I wasn't a priority. It's crazy because I still try to do whatever I can to make her happy, but its never enough. Its a vicious cycle.
@@nightshadexo living next door must be a horrendous challenge. I am so sorry!!!!!
@@nightshadexo I am in a similar boat. Except now my mother is getting too old and needs have changed. I know I risk my sanity let her back in even a little bit. I also know if I turn my back now her quality of life will be poorer. Form the rest of my life I must look myself in the eye so I feel there is no choice but to care for her. My solution was to hire a good therapist and figure the mess out in the best way for all of my family. One thing the Dr. didn't mention is that some kids who grow up with a narcissist become people with a beautiful power to be kind and gentle once free.
It's hard to admit this, but growing up I would beg God to end my life because I honestly believed my existence was a burden on everyone.
Same here, I hated myself for not committing suicide. I thought I was selfish for ruining their lives by staying alive.
I can relate to this! Love you all 💜
♥️♥️♥️
I was suicidal too. But now I know my father actually wanted me to commit suicide and he was passive aggressively encouraging my mother's narcissistic behavior that was making me suicidal. I had several cousins who committed suicide too, and one of them - I think was directly related to my mother's behavior. This devastated my mother's brother... and my mother was so wickedly pleased to see this, because she felt she could manipulate her brother when he was depressed. It was horrible and extremely scary how she really did not feel bad about my cousin's death, she seemed to secretly revel in it. I think it's interesting how the last flower the Goddess Persephone touched was the narcissus before she went to Hell.- and it makes me wonder if her mother was a narcissist.
Remember my mother saying to me in a very slow and serious manner " My life would be so much better if you would just... disappear. " I remember being 11 and finally saying to her, because I had always thought she meant leave her sight, what am I supposed to do? I can't go back in time and not exist???
The way that she looked at me, I knew she wanted me dead.
Oh, the mileage she would have got out of that one.
Cutting contact with my mother was the hardest and most rewarding thing I ever did for myself. What has been equally difficult these past few years, is that I find myself having to justify it to family members who just can't wrap their heads around it, "It's your mother after all, we only get one". I understand their struggle with it, especially since they're only finding out now, and not when I was living with it, but I still find it so jarring how, even within family, our idea of normality, our established relationships with our parents, are worlds apart.
Same. I broke off contact with my mother in the 90s. That's the best thing I ever did for my mental health. It's hard to heal from the toxicity when you're swimming in it. Wishing you strength!
I stopped contact 10 years ago but the damage was done. She has contact with my daughters/ grandchildren and I have found myself with drawing from those relationships.
She continues to cast a shadow and sadly that won't change until one if us passes.
Have found some solace in other peoples comments.
I did that after trying everything to no avail. My mom died last year and I still have no regrets cutting her off for so long, even with dealing with her slander and the rest of the family being manipulated by her. It's been much better dedicating that time to my own son and healing instead. It's actually their choice to refuse to change. We can only respond.
The thing about saying "we only get one" is - you didn't get any!
I’ve been in therapy 11 years. I stayed away from my toxic mother for 18 years. In my 10th year of therapy, I reached out to her because she needed my help and support. She is ok for a period of time and right back to anger, manipulation. She will never hold herself accountable for anything.
"SHAME for existing,"...this sums it up, for so many wounded daughters. 😔😔😔
That's right - Not given the right to exist - creates tremendous toxic guilt and fear based on lies - debilitating and not easy to overcome.
That is spot on. Shame for existing.
I was told it and meant to feel it constantly
I came to realize it was because I was breathing and that was a shocker!
I wasn't allowed to be a kid and play at a friend's house, she literally went berserk. Absolutely terrifying eventually I decided I didn't like her at all.
This is even more agonising when the daughter realises, at a early age, that she is more intelligent than the mother...
Actually, realizing that very young is part of what saved me.
I remember at age 7 when she was in the middle of punishing me (yet again) for something I didn't do, I thought "this is NOT right, this makes no sense! Something is wrong with her"
@@inainterstate6884 me too. I grew up like that. Wow
I’m 60 years old and I’m still careful what I say to my mother so I don’t set her off , I can’t deal with it any more 😢
@@lorraineheffernan3322 i believe it's the severe insecurities of the mother & her view of the daughter's abilities as competition on many levels🤔 So sad when the real desire is love & acceptance...
I remember throughout my childhood my mother saying to me over and over “I just don’t understand why you’re so *selfish*”…took me over a decade to fully recognize how messed up a thing that is to say to a CHILD.
My father would say the same about me being selfish & he was the most selfish one!!
Literally.
@@gloriakoehler3566, my father when he was mad at my mother, he was also mad at me & my brothers & I would ask him why, we did nothing wrong & he would just say "because" & nothing more!! This is an "irrational anger", getting angry at innocent folk for no good reason!!
The saddest thing is that we all grow up loving our parents and wanting their love and protection.
My mother is always the hero of the story, but when my younger brother or I confront her she plays the victim. Once she told us "I know you hate me" (trying to blame it on us) and I corrected her "No, I don't hate you. I used to love you but you spent all my love".
On another occasion, when I was questioning her parenting and decisions, she bluntly stated that she made a mistake: having children.
She's a black hole, she only knows how to consume and benefit from others.
My mom would say that too… idk it was hard to understand tbh
And then when we tell people we have no contact with our parents, they look at us cross-eyed. As if we didn't want a family!
The "selfishness of narcissism for you & yes they are black holes, constantly taking & no giving!! All assholes are narcissists & all narcisissists are assholes!!
Wow what a thing for her to say. I feel that my mother is the same way. What I struggle with is wanting to speak up, but also knowing that the backlash and manipulation is always coming. I'm trying to decide when and how to establish no contact. I hope that you are able to find sustained peace and a sense of family elsewhere.
The feeling of being trapped because no one believes you, I actually broke down a little. I feel so validated hearing that.
I believe you, please believe me as well. These people will pay for how they treated us.
I believe you. I know how it feels to be told by everyone that you're wrong for feeling this way
I'm crying...
Non believers never read anything about psychology, they are not aware. Poor ignorance.
I KNOW. People really don't believe you. They just cannot begin to even grasp that this really happens because they don't understand the purpose behind the behavior. I really don't completely grasp the purpose behind the behavior either, but I sure know that some people do this and no one believes it when you tell them.
For this mother's day, give yourself a hug because you survived despite of everything trying to hold you back!
This is the only mother's day hug I will accept. Thank you.
:-)
❤
Simona Sylvain You are so right! 🙏🏻
Thankyou. For some reason it's harder this year. I no longer see her but the memories have come back.
I remember being about 8 and staying up half the night crying and wondering what was wrong with me/why my mom didn’t always seem to like me/what was wrong with her and then spent the other half of the night crying about how guilty I felt for even thinking negatively about my mother.
wow...same
Me too
I am old now and still do this.
Been there 😞 what made it worse is that she would hear me crying and wouldn’t try to calm me down or hold me. Made me feel that my tears didn’t matter 💯
@@Kayla-hs9rt I definitely feel like I comforted her more than she did for me
My mother was amazing she passed away six years ago to brain cancer. I miss her SO much everyday. I can’t imagine how horrible it must have been to people who have had horrible mothers raise them. I’m so sorry, you deserve better
I would love to have had that kind of relationship with my mother, she raised you well to have an awareness that not everyone is so lucky, because one of the major challenges of having had an abusive mother is the widely held belief that all mothers love their children, therefore it must be the child who is at fault, thereby further pushing the already abused child further down the path of self blame. It makes me happy just to read your comment and feel understood by someone who hasny been a victim.
A beautiful, well said comment. Thank you for having empathy and understanding of others. Apologies for your loss and I hope you are doing okay 💕
The greatest wealth in this world,
Is being able to come by mom's house,
And welcomed with open arms.
Even better if your real dad is there too.
There's no place like home.
That is the fortune in fortunate....
Thank you for not invalidating those of us who have not had amazing mothers. And happy for you, that you did. Hope your mother rests in peace.
I had a narc. father & a mother who was severely abused in every type of abuse out there & tried to commit suicide numerous time & that combination caused especially my teen-life to be totally disfunctional!! I am 67 & it is a miracle that I have what I have!!
"I felt ashamed for just existing". OMG...I thought I was crazy all of my life. I thought nothing could hurt me any more, but I see I am still learning at the age of 65. My mother nearly destroyed me. I give everyone a big hug who had to suffer a mother like this. 😪
I no longer feel alone, but I'm sad to see so many others have suffered like me. I am in my 60's and STILL trying to heal😥🙁
Still learning at 65 here too.
I am 70 and still learning to cope with life. I had 2 marriages, both to narcissists. The 2nd one was horrific and it took me 30 years to free myself physically. Since then it is an ongoing emotional process and while I see lots of improvement and more understanding of what happened and why I had the anxiety I mostly had in life, I also see there is still a ton of work to do. Working on this has become my life really - it is constant. I am starting to feel something like happiness occasionally. Mostly I just feel content that I am finally, at 70, getting on with my life.
Also 65 and now trying to discover and heal
Thanks for the hug 🤗. Every single thing that Dr. Todd Grande says in this video is something that resonates with me and what I have experienced and still experience with my mother. It makes me so incredibly sad for this little girl that I was then. I have learned a few tools that help me deal with my mother. She will never change or admit any wrongdoing. In fact she gets worse as she ages. I have major trust issues with people and that makes relationships difficult. It’s a lifelong healing process for injuries suffered when we were vulnerable and dependent on an utterly incompetent parent.
Those who haven't gone through this can never understand. I know my mother is a damaged person herself and that's probably the root cause, but she doesn't want to help herself so she will never change. Solidarity with all you other daughters of narc mothers, no matter how this manifested 💗
Precisely
" She doesn't want to help herself" this sentence hitted me so hard cauz I was even feeling more guilty since I thought that she couldn't change cauz this is the way she grown up ,but in reality she didn't want to change not she couldn't, and it made me even more angry .
Spot on for me too.
@@stelladente5256 i feel like i’m the only one in my family who sees this. it’s so isolating
@@momoz1 me too. Find friends that get you or at least try to understand without judging, skip your expectations on your family.
I was viciously abused by my step dad. My mom participated. I just recently learned of the concept of narcissism and I realize they were both narcissists. I was made to believe I wasn’t worthy. I felt ashamed of just existing quote really hit me in the feels. I’m sorry for those of us who endured such pain as children and I hope we are all here because we are learning to heal.
Trapped!
Every word is valid. The cruelty my mother made us endure was not clinically explained to me. Thank you for this website. Many woman have committed suicide because of the abuse of narcissistic mothers. I’m certain some mother’s use it to gain sympathy and pity as my own mother did when my sibling committed suicide after being “disowned” by my mother
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I believe mothers derive pleasure from the attention and sympathy also
X
Husbands do to.
They actually want to destroy their daughters!Evil!
I understand...I tried suicide @ 11 becuz of my mother...after that I was disowned & abandoned in mental hospitals...so sad, but, I made it!!! Spiritual Warrior, I am🌹🕯️✨
I had to go no contact. Extremely painful, people don't believe you and think you are a terrible daughter not only because you go no contact but because she tells everyone the fake victim story. Its taken me over 20 yrs to understand how much harm she caused me.
Oh M G... same here ... she made it seem like I was a horrible disrespectful child to Everyone ... made herself look like the victim so that she can be the poor victim mom with a horrible child ,,, I would have own it but thank God for my high school and teachers they lived me so much and I was so confused because my mom hated me so much how could these strangers love me ??????
Yes and she had my brother tell people I said bad things about them so I would be wondering why the. Were angry at me. This is demonic behavior to hate another human so much that came from. Your own womb
I went no contact too. They are manipulative and 8 year old mentality. Hang in there! Her ego is damaged. Don’t fall for her childish behavior
Peace be with you
That's pretty much where I am too. She isn't safe around me or my children.
Going no contact, helped my health a lot. She can live her life apart my me and my children. I forgive her, but she doesn't need to be in my life, she can watch from a distance, because she isn't safe for any of us.
Did same. No other family has even reached out to me. She has them all convinced. But this is still better than before. Peace to you.
And the mom asks, " Why don't you ever invite any friends over?"
.. and asks: "Why are you always so sad?"
One of my coping mechanisms was inviting friends over as much as possible, as my parents would behave better when outsiders were around. Sometimes she would "perform" for my friends and it was a little embarrassing but still better than otherwise.
troll the mom back "my friends don't come over because they're too busy having sex with eachother thats why"
@@lizl1407 Really? are you sure she wouldnt try to take over the conversation or keep talking aout herself to them or butting in when you are trying to talk to them and hijack the conversation? Not sure if thats what mothers would do but alot of other narc relatives with different family roles do that. And passive aggressive insults towards you infornt of ur friends to embaress you is another thing. These things work until one learns the art of trolling and trolls the narc relative back in conversations by saying non serious things as if they were serious, like funny silly troll stuff and nonsense. The narc then realizes they are not being taken seriously and will eject themselves from the conversation and the room because they think in their own mind that they are higher than that lol gg
I saw a childhood friend at a local bar, that I haven't seen or spoken to in over a decade. I had always wondered why we had stop speaking to each other. So, I decided to just come out and ask her. She said that she held a grudge against me because when we were little, she had came over to play hide and seek. My parents had a clothes shoot that went to the basement, where we would throw our dirty clothes down. While I hiding and she was seeking, she said she was looking down into the clothes shoot and that someone had pushed her down into it! She thought I was the one who pushed her down it! Not only is it not even my nature to do such a thing, but I was hiding the whole time she was seeking. My mom was the only other person in the house at that time, being the only person who could've done it. Leslie family was financially wealthy and I believe my mom was jealous of her wealth. I never told Leslie that my mom was the one who had done it because I knew she wouldn't have believed me. So I just apologize for it anyways, wouldn't have been the first time I had taken the blame for something that wasn't my doing. After that I knew my mother was diabolically evil.
This is spot-on. I suffered an incompetent childhood with nullification and rejection. A lot of shame for being unworthy. My mother always compared me unfavorably to others, e.g. why can't you be like so-and-so's daughter, she's so pretty, or why can't you be like so-and-so, she plays tennis. She wanted me to do things that weren't attuned to my personality but denied me the activities that I wished to pursue. I desperately wanted to do music. When I accompanied my mother to fetch one of my older brothers from their lesson, the music teacher had asked me: "Do you also want to learn the piano?", and when I replied in the affimative, had said I could start at five. However, my mother subsequently refused me this, saying: "I took your brothers and they gave up, so I'm not going to bother with you." She always told me I was "in the way". I felt she attached a higher value to having sons than having a daughter. When I had my own daugther and a friend came round to lend me a breast pump, I overheard her saying: "I breastfed my two sons, you know, but when it came round to ... (me), I decided I really couldn't be bothered!" She was invariably late picking me up from school, which I hated because my violent older brothers had told me I would get beaten up there. At five, I was the youngest in my class. My mother was supposed to pick me up at 12.30 but breezed in at 4.30 saying to the concerned headmistress: "So sorry, I forgot!" That afternoon, while I'd watched all the other kids being picked up, I'd thought to myself that the ones who got picked up first were the ones whose mothers loved them the most, while the ones who got picked up last were the ones whose mothers loved them the least.
"I cannot tell my mom about the good events in my life."
My mother would brag to my whole family about my accomplishments, but she never ever told me to my face that she was proud of me, or that I did well. In fact the opposite, I was never smart enough, I wasn't doing good enough. I had to figure it out on my own, why did I have to be told how to do everything.
Denied childhood. That struck me. Violence, lack of protection and rejection.
I feel like you’re telling my story, I relate so much to this.
My mother used my cuteness, intelligence, and personality to "prove" she was the best mother in the world. The only credit I got from her was when she was bragging about me to someone else. Towards me, all I got was mental, emotional, and physical abuse. She publicly humiliated me as often as possible, as well. I only existed to serve her own mood that day.
Same... I became an over achiever in part because it was the only thing she would ever say positive about me. But it was always when talking to others about me, never to me. I was the pretty one and smart one to others. My sister was an embarrassment because she had IDD (most likely from our mother's physical abuse) and she was overweight. My mother could not stand the idea of us gaining weight and had us on diet pills from the time I was 11y. I was a thin girl. At 5' 7", I weighed 121 lb but that was too heavy in her eyes. I remember seeing a video of my mother talking about me behind my back. I was 19y and nursing my then 1y baby girl in the next room. She referred to my nursing baby as "a pig at a troph..." and then laughed hysterically.
@@dawnmariebooher3269 Oh, wow. I'm so sorry you (and your sister) had to live like that. Sounds like our mothers were cut from the same rotten cloth.
My mother is a Dr of Psychology. Abuse was all I ever knew & I couldn't say anything about it because her friends wouldn't believe me when I tried. She'd always take credit for my accomplishments. She's actually still angry, 20+ years later, that I'm bipolar. She's vile.
@@nakedlauging Damn, I'm so sorry you're still dealing with her abuse. I know how hard it is, even into adulthood. My mom died a few years ago, and up until then I hadn't talked to her in a few yrs because of her cruelty. Everytime we talked, she'd find something to crap on me about. But when I stood up for myself (finally), she got even worse. "Vile" is the perfect word for her, too.
A few weeks before she died, I visited her in the hospital; her drug and esp alcohol abuse finally caught up to her, and I did feel sad. I told her I loved her and forgave her for "everything". The thing was, she said she forgives me, too. And I was like, "excuse me, what did I ever do to YOU?!" But I let it go, knowing she wasn't going to live much longer.
Sometimes I miss her, still. I have her ashes and I made a little sort of alter with photos, mementos, etc. And I'm at peace for the first time in my 48 years. (yeah, she harassed me well into my 40's).
So my point is, I hope you're able to find some peace in regards to your mother. She (like mine) is sick and mentally ill. I'm not excusing ANYTHING our moms put us through, but the best revenge is happiness. My mom hated when I was happy, for some reason.
But that day in the hospital I said goodbye to her, and my past abuse. Hopefully you won't be her target for the rest of her life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, I really appreciate it.
Sending hugs from Seattle!! 💚💙And I wish you the very best.
Same here I forced myself to do what she wanted and what she wanted me to accomplish. It was so emotionally draining when she kept telling me how I felt, what I loved to do, and what I thought didn’t matter because she was my mother. Everything I did had to be of what she wanted. And when I finally gained confidence to tell what I wanted...it got really bad and she became a person I didn’t know. It scared me. Hopefully since I’m going to college soon that I can go somewhere far far from her.
The " I was afraid all the time." I lost it cried so hard. No one ever listened to me or believed me.
I'm so sorry
My grown son went and lived with my parents for a few years when he was in college, because they lived in that town, we didnt. Not even a whole year he told me, "mom, i thought you were just one of those overdramatic women. You were right about nana."
@@DBlanco48 oof, even reading the word nana gave me a shiver. My mother is known as nana to all her grandchildren. Makes her sound warm and fuzzy doesn’t it? Ya, that’s a lie.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you have some loving and kind people in your life now.
I'm so.sorry... I know how alone you feel.. I too cannot speak about it cause others have no idea.. It's so hard to have friends whom have a beautiful relationshiop with their mothers cause its something ive always wished for but it would never happen.. PTSD is real.. ❤🙏🏻
I can't even really put into words how dysfunctional my childhood was and the lack of love/support I received or even feeling liked by my mother. No kind words, never told I was loved, never ever heard good job or I'm proud of you, showed basically no interest in anything I did except to constantly criticize my appearance (and still does!) I think I was displaying signs of something being wrong mentally at a young age when I used to "rock" myself, I guess I was self soothing but even that was scoffed at. My one wish when I was young was that a loving family would adopt me. I would have gone in a heartbeat and never looked back!! My Mom is still alive and this actually makes me upset to be saying these things about her. I try to be a loving daughter and tell her I love her and she does tell me now too! I try not to blame her because I guess she just did the best she could but how can you not see your daughter is suffering?
This is so validating. I’ve had a lifetime of painful relationships with romantic partners and I can trace it all back to being nullified and abused as a child. 😔 it set me up for anxious and insecure attachment and I was a perfect target for manipulative partners
"I was afraid all the time"
Yes. I literally would tip toe through her house, holding my breath, just to get a glass of water (no ice because the noise of the ice machine would alert her to my presence). And I went my whole childhood thinking that was normal
I was always afraid. Especially when asking for anything. I’d hide in my room in the quiet trying to muster up the energy to ask. And it would be hell when I did.
@@alasia2007 Asking for things was the worst. And none of my friends understood that I couldn't just ask my mom if they could come over or anything
@@user-mg8gb8gm7i exactly! Everyone always thought I was weird, I’m 28 now and maybe 1 friend has seen my house inside. It’s abnormal but as a kid I never knew why I was so different
I remember hiding inside my toy chest when really young. Only came out when I heard my dad come home. Always living in fear.
In college I mentioned in an offhand way that my mother used to chase me but I could outrun her because she was fat and I would run to the first landing on the stairs so she couldn't hit me. The therapist told me he felt sad for that child, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized how effed up my childhood was. I knew we weren't like other families because I saw other families, and I knew we made a show of being normal, but I didn't realize how messed up everything was until I saw it through someone elses eyes.
My narcissistic mother really shaped me into the broken woman I am now trying to understand. It really is heartbreaking and so cruel
❤️hugs for you. I understand. I hope someday we can recover some how. Love to you.
You are probably a great lady. Keep the faith! God bless you!
Great paperback read, “toxic parents” It didn’t cure me but it did help me breathe a little better
The heartbroken 💔 feelings never end...at least not for me. :(
I say it's time to get to know who you are and who you want to be! I did...it's not easy to stop letting fear of failure from holding you back! It's hard to Ignore that internal voice telling you 'you can't do it'! Because you can do anything you want to do!
So much love to my tribe, try to remember our darkest moments can be our greatest strengths. I didn’t even have a word for my mother other than she hated me, reality is she hated herself. Heal and forgive yourself beautiful daughters xo
This really hit home. It's hard to explain the experiences to people who didn't go through something similar. It's no secret to anyone, except my mother, that she's a narcissist.
"I can't tell my mother any of the good events in my life" OMG how hard I relate
You and 1 both
Me too
So true. Thank you.
Yeah. Sabotage comes along with that…lots of it. Manifests in SO many ways…
Yes! Neither the good nor the bad with me. She would use the bad to humiliate and try to make me feel inadequate. See, I told you that you’re a failure kind of thing; and she’ll spit fire in jealousy of the good stuff. I tell her nothing, understood from a very young age that I couldn’t trust her to not use it against me and be an evil bitch; and these days I don’t even talk to her at all.
I'm nearly 70 years old and just now coming to terms with having a narcissistic mother. I always thought something was wrong with me because of never being good enough. I was fortunate enough to have wonderful in-laws that taught me unconditional love and that I was good enough.
At 26 years old I began dating my now husband. His family taught me how to love, and how wonderful family can be. After being around them for a while, and pulling away from my original family, I was able to turn my life in a very positive direction.
omg I'm not married or anything yet but I can relate. My bf's parents are the parents I always wished for, gentle, kind, accepting and respectful
This brings tears to my eyes. I totally understand this.
Same with myself. However I had no relatives on the west coast to help me develop. I’m happy you’ve figured out your situation.
It took me well into my 50's to finally understand this, even after many years of therapy. It was when I moved back to the same city/state she lived in did I start to see clearly how dysfunctional she was. A lot of it was covert, undermining each sibling with the others. For most of my life I really had no idea what was going on. There was a moment with her when it was absolutely crystal clear to me that she was incapable of love, although she could fake it very well.
My mother constantly told my sister and I that I had ruined her life, she had tried to abort me, but I just wouldn't go. I was a girl, not the boy she and my father had hoped for. She beat us with a horsewhip for many years, and her paedophile boyfriend's were blameless. I was punished for being a "nasty little girl". I had no privacy and was not EVER allowed to answer back. By the age of ten I was almost speechless and terrified of strangers. Going into a shop was an ordeal. I schemed for years about committing suicide but what stopped me was the realization that literally any way I chose would leave a hideous mess for someone else to clean up. I ran away from school. Looking back, I realize I have no idea what I looked like as a child because when I looked into the mirror there was just an empty space. I have no childhood photographs because my mother threw out the "rubbish" in one of our many moves. My sister and I fought like cats, we drew blood and broke bones. My brother was born when she was 10 and I was 12. Both of us ceased to exist from that day on except as babysitters to a little emperor. I think his life has turned out, in a different way, to be even worse than ours. The story goes on... I married a narcissistic husband, who is now 86 and is senile. I am hoping that, like my mother, he will die soon and leave me alone to enjoy life in the country with my dogs.
Your strength is remarkable. Thank you for sharing your story here.
The examples Dr. Todd gave are pretty mild compared the 'relationship' I had with my narcissistic mother. They have a level of cruelty that is beyond comprehension. I am still years later trying to learn to love myself, believe in myself and learn that I am in control of my own reality and no one else has that power but me.
❤
Isolated childhood described my life. To this day, in my 40s I feel alone and find it hard to trust anyone
Get therapy you can’t live like that your still young
Same. And same. I've gone to therapy. It isn't a fix all and it certainly isn't quick.
40s also nutcase mother and absent father all of my life died 3 weeks ago some body from his family thought they would let me know by text. 😒 My mother was a jealous demanding control freak poor childhood serious neglect and early adulthood she kicked and key my car and tried to punch me in the stomach all over me not knowing where my sister is.....ive got sisters and brothers and she treated us all bad and very bad as small children shit bag parents basically no point going into detail about her it's too hoffric.
@@rachelb4235 I so much agree with you. It's been my experience that those who become therapists have unresolved issues themselves. So if you are a head strong person like me, they smell it and will see you as competition instead of using it as a tool/instrument as part of the healing process.
I cried watching this video and this is the first comment I saw that felt the same as me. Isolated childhood is 100% me and my mom. Still to this day I am a complete fucking disaster and I'm just now after 28 years of life, realizing that there IS an expectation for the reason I've always felt the way I do... I guess I'm NOT a helpless addict by choice, but my self medicating and lack of self control.... idk. I wish there was a simple solution to fix all my problems but there just isn't.
i didn’t know daughters were supposed to hear thank you from their mothers :’)
Never got an "I love you" either except sometimes in valentine day cards in writing probably out of guilt given the holiday. Just remember being shocked to read it. My dad never said it but he was distant.
Mine will say -thank you... and could you please do this for me... she would never be satisfied always craving for more ...
Me too! I was so shocked
No we owe them a life time of service , and caregiving ! I cared for her parents , ( and she told people she was doing it ) ; her husband , and her . She even told me that I owed it to her !
Or "Im sorry".
Great presentation of a very important topic! I remember the moment as a young adult, when I was on the phone with my parents, that I realized there really was something wrong with my mother - and not me. She was spouting off some advice about a career choice, negating and invalidating what I had said, and I just blurted out "How do you know that?". Of course, her response was to dodge the question and blame me..."Well, if you don't want any input on this, I just won't talk to you about it." I.e. I'm on my own without any support at all. I had already started to see things differently, living apart from my parents for the first time, when she made remarks like (on telling her I was accepted to medical school) "Good. Now you can find a nice doctor and get married". Or after calling her, proud that I had gotten an honors grade in a difficult subject - "Oh. Now maybe you can lose some weight". Unfortunately, I went into adulthood with very impaired social skills and chronic anxiety that interfered with my striving to do well in a job or as a student. My mother is now almost 100 years old with vascular dementia, but can still come up with some zingers - like saying to her caregiver, within earshot, "She's so heavy!". This is the mother that put me on a diet at age 4, but when I finally reached an ideal weight, and then some, she did not give me any indication that she noticed. I could go on, but I'd like to just say that your presentation hit the nail exactly on the head!
Wow. My heart goes out to you so much. I worked for my parents several years ago in their business and my mom would always play slap me. One day she did it particularly hard so I immediately said, “Mom that hurt, please don’t hit me like that anymore, I don’t like it.” This took a lot for me to say and I was proud of myself. Her answer was, “FINE. I’ll never touch you ever again.” Always threatening. Unreal.
Yep. Got that t-shirt also. She could either be completely intrusive or distant. No middle ground. Thanks for caring.
The secrecy really hit home for me. When I was seeing a therapist for a different reason as an early teen I was terrified to bring up my mom even though I desperately needed and wanted to talk about her. The office was in an old house and between the thin walls and my therapists loud voice you could hear every word she said from the waiting room. I knew she’d hear everything so I was stuck being unable to talk about what was actually cause my problems. Usually she would come in at the end and pay but this time she gave me the card to do it myself. At the end of my appointment the therapist said “should I call in your mom” and I said no I have the card. I didn’t think anything of it until we got to the car and she interrogated me about what I said about her. I told her the truth about the card and she absolutely didn’t believe me. She screamed at me while I sobbed telling her I didn’t say anything and she continued to berate me for the rest of the day and i wasn’t spoken to for days afterwards. I never got to see my therapist again after that, my mom told her it was because our insurance wouldn’t cover it anymore.
That day really hit me because it was around that time in my life when I realized I was being mentally/emotionally abused, but that day in particular made me realize she knew what she was doing was wrong. Unfortunately for me I’m still trapped in this situation and am disabled and unable to work. I’m an adult but have no freedom and no way to make money and get out.
I'm so sorry! Maybe you can look into doing some online/ virtual/ remote work?
Time to grab your life back, internet friend. Sending you to a therapist made her feel "good" but it was clearly understood that she could NOT be the problem. Control. As you know, that was not therapy and frankly a waste of time and money on her part. As an adult you have you tube and blogs and library books and maybe even real therapy. Cheering you on to access them for yourself. If you do NOT... she still wins.
Don't stay there, it's slowly killing you, literally. My suggestion is go to a women's shelter, apply for disability and housing, get quality therapy, find a good church, pray throughout the day. Jesus and God want to help. You have to care enough about yourself to get help. Don't tell them you're leaving, nothing. Just go. Hope this helps.
I feel for u, I am 60 and have lived on my own, but only recently have had to cut off my narcissistic parents, and the fallout of other family members. I suggest u contact Social Services in ur area, they have great resources, and there are independent living arrangements they can help u get, with also any needed assistance. Especially. if u tell them it is an abusive situation. They will help u in a heartbeat. God Bless u, and u deserve happiness and peace in ur life!!
I know a daughter who tried to confide in a counselor and was later blasted and punished when the mom found out. The daughter also went to a pastor in hopes of confidence, and the pastor went to the mom. There was no place to turn.
Mermaid Mansion - I think in less populated areas this can become a really serious issue. So many people trying to get understanding from just one man or woman. Yikes.
@@qiuwbr091 Yessssssss!!!!!
Thank you for saying that. I was never believed by some people, especially if she got to then afterwards. These same people would later become her flying monkeys.
@@tihanaharrison6728 omg my heart goes out to you!!!!!
It's unfortunate because counseling would help a child like that but it triggers the narcissistic parent because it reflects badly on them in their mind. It's all about them. Clergymen should be educated about these sorts of family dynamics but I doubt it's a priority.
It's honestly hard watching this without crying. For a long time I thought I was alone in experiencing this. It's even more sad to know that more daughters like me have suffered this injustice. You're not alone and you are loved.
Much love to you. This is a tribe nobody wants to be in... but please know you are so strong and so loved because tje rest of the tribe knows what a warrior of light like you can bring to the world.
We all need to support each other my mother is like this also some people shouldn’t have the right to have kids
I commented on another video about narcmom. I didn't begin to truly recover from my life with narcmom until I was 55 or so. She was mean to me consistently until she died in 1999 at the age of 83. I'm now a Stoic Warrior others who know me as well as I let them might say that I'm cold and probably a sociopath. I'm not even close to being uncaring, I just can't show it. I could probably use therapy but now that I'm pushing 60 and I'm okay and used to being alone. I'd rather not rehash all of those years.
@@barbaraolsem8377 just because you are ‘used’ to being alone doesn’t mean you want to.
Lady, you got life left.
Snap out of it.
You are here for this purpose
To heal is your mission
It’s ok to be alone
It’s okay to stay in
Your zone
On and on I will not drone
Yet you have a choice
Make it your own
I'm with you..
My mother was jealous of the attention my dad gave me as a baby. I grew up wondering why she loved my little sister but not me. This answers all my questions.
Growing up, I felt so isolated and alone. None of my friends had similar relationships with their mothers and no matter how kind I was, how well I did in school, how helpful I was, or on the opposite side of that: How quiet I was, I was continually either ignored or abused. Not only is this video incredibly validating, but scary how accurate it is to my experiences. It can be so so hard to make it past a childhood experiencing such dark times, but I feel grateful to have connections and resources to move forward. Thank you so much for this video and for all who shared in the comments. We are not alone.
Same! I always felt my parents were cruel and that my relationship with them was completely different than my friends with their families. In college I made a new best friend, and my mom went off on me one day while she was over. My friend said, "I can't believe your mom talks to you like that"! That validated me and I realized that I wasn't "crazy", and that my mother was indeed cruel. Also, opening up to therapists helped, and that's when I learned that my parents were emotionally abusive. I tried to talk to my mother about it once, and she claimed that I was the abusive one and that I lied to the therapists!
@@0blivvy8 the worst thing for sure is the fact that you feel crazy. im 40 and i have not gotten one ounce of help so it has been a long road to feeling like i matter and im not crazy. i wish i had a chance to talk to a therapist. i wish you both healing and blessings my sisters
Ur nt alone xx
@saanasalonen8684 There are therapists that are low cost or based on income. All counties have help that is paid by the Federal Government
the most poignant part for me was not having in your mother someone to share your joy or good news.
I had no sisters, aunts, or cousins. No grandparents to rely on for emotional support and we walked on egg shells our entire childhood to avoid upsetting the status quo for our father. When she died I merely sat down saying, "well, I no longer have to try to please her." At 64 I felt sad that I never did one thing to please her, but didn't shed a tear😑 I came to feel sorrow for her in later years bc she must have felt so unfulfilled in life! I was at a loss with my own daughters bc I definitely didn't wish to emulate my own mother/daughter experience. I tried, but always felt that whatever I did was not enough...be I really didn't know how with no grooming to draw from & raising them as a single mother without child support. RIP Mom🕊
@@BeverleyMiller_ Hi was just curious how you got your name:):)?? also am sorry about your Mom😔❤️
It was extremely exhausting living under her thumb. Every second walking on egg shells. I know this may sound terrible but I honestly don't think I would even miss her if she were gone.
I feel your pain. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for normal feelings and reactions. Just breathe. You are not alone!
Hard Rok It’s a relief when they’re out of your life. The difference is night and day.
Hard Rok God, I feel the same. Always blaming me for her problems and always being so selfish. Not to mention like 300 calls everyday just to talk shit. I'm out of that now, but it was still so tiring.
Hard Rock, I was relieved when my mother was gone. I did not go to the funeral.
Oddly I didn’t want to bury her- The funeral home kept calling me. I was older and could vision her personal struggles. The Internet helped her at the last. She got to view her fathers grave with my help.
I had a narcissistic drunk mother. In fact, I had the absolute 'pleasure' of dealing with two narcissistic parents. My dad still stuck with my mom knowing what she was doing to the entire family. Their neglectful nature forced me to go no-contact. I have way too much that happened in my family that NO child should have ever endured. Ever. I never had a family.
It wasn't until I moved out when I met my partner, went no-contact, and started a life of my own did I get to create my OWN family. A family I never had. I have no intention of letting any part of my family near my kids, they will have no part of their influence, nor will I invite the opportunity for a molester/predator to do what they did to me to my children :\
My mother tried to make me do things on her level and always judged me about my weight and other things because she or... Apparently everyone in the family couldn't accept the fact that I still had confidence they never had.
Needless to say, I am much happier in my new life without them. Does it still hurt? Yes. Do I still cycle through the trauma? Yes...
But I have no intention of repeating the same crap I went through unto my children. I want to give them the best life I possibly can with my loving partner (we have two going on three kiddos) :)
I understand the pain of going no contact, but u are doing all the right things, it is and will pay off. I understand both my parents are narcissistic and unfortunately it's taken me until now at 50 years to realize that is the only healthy choice u can make ,and continue to move on with ur life. They are toxic, that will never change. God Bless u!
@@lorrainemorsch760 It's hard, but once you realize it, it definitely is best to move on. Honestly, I feel it's never too late to notice things like that, but it is better to notice sooner rather than later. But at least you noticed and are doing the same, and that's what's important. Moving on and healing, it's all one can do :)
I was my mother's slave. This was masked in a glittering facade that we were good for each other. In reality I was a parentified mass of fear.
Same here ❤ feeling relieved reading your comment and others to know it's not just me
I have struggled my whole life to feel like a person outside of my mother.
I can relate.
Same.
😥😥😥 same
@Stephen Bennett I'm so sorry you have been forced into a position to feel that way. I understand, though. Going limited contact with my mom was and remains difficult for me, and I'm 34. You ultimately have to make the choices best for your and your family's interest, but still it's never easy.
Wow you took the words out of my brain. I had my mother on multiple occasions say “you are an extension of me” I don’t even want to be a woman sometimes because of her. She makes me ashamed to be born a female.
"There was no place to turn." This is accurate AF.
I had a breakdown when my eldest son was just little, when I got help I learnt that my mum was a narcissist. My toys would disappear while I was at school because they were cluttering up her house, my mother made up stories as to why I was being beaten and my father believed her. I became invisible, quiet, unobtrusive. When I got older I chose to fight back. I'm not the daughter that my mother wanted but then she isn't the mother that I would have chosen either. I have grieved for my childhood, I'm okay, I grew up tough, however I still cannot get rid of my kids toys (they are 21 and 18!) and your video made me cry. I thank you for helping those who are still in a relationship like this.
The sentence that resonated with me was the quote “I was afraid all the time.” I am flipping through my memories of childhood and I can see that fear was a constant. I think it’s why I don’t like scary or suspenseful movies, frankly.
The world is truly NOT a safe place. If mom can't be trusted, what does that mean for outside relationships?
Only put your trust in Jesus. God says the heart of man is wicked and above reproach who can understand it.....but God says that He is not like a man that He can lie. Trust in Him not in man. That alone has healed me dramatically in a short amount of time.
@@koobie83 Well, I'm proud of you and I understand.
You should feel sorry for those who didn't grow up in this and gain wisdom of this illness. We know there are some truly sick ppl out here.. we have the understand and know the clues to HEALTHY and unhealthy mindset.. we are winning.
What's alarming is how many unhealthy ppl out here.
I'm okay alone, but if and when I do come across a balanced healthy soul..I WILL REJOICE AND SHOW THEM MY APPRECIATION AND LOVE.. Just for being them.
@@ServantStatusMinistries What you say is indeed true. People need scrutiny, allow God to help.
3/4min in etc so on point. These "mothers" don't deserve the title mother. They're emotionally&mentally abusive monsters
My mother's message to me: "I Never wanted a girl." My contemplating suicide at age 9 was because I was sure she would finally be happy if I wasn't around. The only thing I could do to please her,then, was to destroy myself. I thank God that I was saved by the love of my grandmother and a compassionate therapist. It took many years of struggling through "the valley of the shadow of death " to undo the damage, and I know I will always have a small part of me that feels broken.
I am so sorry. I heard growing up "Why God, Why did you send me these kids? I wish I never had them." Their cruelty to us is shocking to others who never heard these things growing up, but to us it was how we lived. Hearing these terrible words and knowing they meant it in those moments.
Omg I can totally relate with everything you said!!! Thank god for the love of my grandmother too. My mom said she wanted a boy instead. Then recently right in front of my jerk brother said money was more important than you so I dumped you off on grandma!!!! She pretended to force crocodile tears and of course my brother comforted her!!! Puts me down but oh no poor mom. Unbelievable!!! Now shes convinced me my grandma wanted nothing to do with me!!! God I despise her!!!! My mom I mean!!
WOW, me too😳😓!
I was the same at that age. I got sent to my first therapist. After telling this woman all the things that my mother thought was wrong with me, she brought my mother in and told my mother that the reason I was depressed was that I was upset because of all the things I said were wrong with me. So, in essence, my mother was vindicated that she was right all along.
I am so sorry for everything that happened to you, I know you how lonely you must have felt. The memories of the love of my grandparents is what kept me alive during my childhood. I hope you are happy now. I also want to tell you I love you 💖 you survived it all 🙏🏽
All the manipulation, emotional and physical abuse, fear, black mail, shaming , threaten to shame publicly, etc manifested in my body in having white hair since I was 10/11 years old. It got progressively worse until I was about 50% grey when I was a young adult. I am much older now and have known this for some years but I did miss some very important years of my life not knowing what was wrong with me and what to do about it. I hope people learn from others sharing and your video, so they can get themselves out of such situation earlier. Narcissists really shouldn’t be allowed to have children.
"nonexistent and obedient." Resonated strongly with me. I went from being outgoing and friendly, to being shy and scared, wanting nobody to pay me any attention, ever. I even almost had an anxiety event when, while planning my wedding, realizing that the bride gets all the attention! I could not hide behind a curtain or in the crowd of a chorus! I was the 'star' and it freaked me out.
Me too, like you, I was an outgoing confident child and became a shy, scared and unconfident teenager. I got married in a registry office with 2 witnesses as I couldn't cope with being the centre of attention, but have never managed to sustain relationships .
I was a " Chatty Cathy" in my very young years. She being " shy" hated that about me. Always making fun of me when I chatted with people.
I told my Therapist 13:38 about an instance where my mother made banana bread. My Grandma had a bad case of " roaches." A few roaches fell into the mixing bowl from the inside of mixer. Sheared it and served it to everyone!
My Therapist said it was "EVIL" I didn't think of it as evil😢 but realized it was.
When I go through my childhood memories, I am finally aware that I was emotionally, financially, physically, and didn't have proper clothes, not enough food. ( She dished out and monitored MY food).
I realize how she turned my 1/2 siblings against me. They believe the "lies" she tells against me. I have blocked them all from my life.
I talked to her once in over 2 years. I don't even miss her. I do miss my siblings as I toke care of them. She had me babysitting at 7 YO for a 4 YO, a 2 YO and a set of twins just 18 Months.
So, she has turned my siblings that I babysat for years and turned them against me. Truly evil!
I am almost 76 years old and have never really recovered from the hurt brought about by my narcissistic mother. The saving grace for me as I moved 150 miles away from her when I was 19 years old. She lived to be 99 years old and died angry with me for not being a good daughter. I excelled at everything I did but she was in competition with me so I never pleased or satisfied her. I had ulcers from when I was a small child . I lived in fear because she said she was going to bash my father over the head and threatened to kill herself. I am a sensitive person but hid as much as I could from her. I was not allowed to cry or be angry because I had her for a mother therefore what did I have to cry about. I was brainwashed, she was a wonderful mother, I had ruined her life by being born. I was not allowed to like my father because she hated him. She would go on tirades saying having children ruined her life. On and on and on. She was very popular, everyone loved her but she seemed to dislike and criticise most every one. She was emotionally abusive not so much physically. I couldn't afford counseling but read about overcoming. Life might have been easier if Dr. Grande was available to me throughout my struggling years. I can give love but really don't understand it enough to believe I am lovable. I have been married 57 years so my husband does love me. Life goes on, I make the best of every day . Thank you Dr. Grande for helpful insights
Oh my gosh...Pat...I'm so very sorry. You've described my own mother. I was referred to as "the brat" growing up; I had made her life completely miserable. If I asked for equal treatment between me and my brother, I was forced to my knees and made to pray for forgiveness until I cried since it was "a sin to be jealous of your brother!" As teenager I was considered competition and was beaten down at every turn; I was fat, stupid, incapable; my only worth was my long blonde hair. I was not allowed to go to college; I could go to business school to be a secretary like she was. My dreams of being an artist died. When I married, she told me my life was over; she was jealous of my relationship with my dad, who just tried the best he could. She screwed around on him and thinks he didn't know. Everyone loved my mom; my stomach still turns when I hear how wonderful she is. I have a great job, and when I was promoted to senior management, her response was, "boy, you really have them fooled." Today, I am her caretaker; I clearly cannot do anything right, and gossips about me to the family. She is the same nasty, bitter person I've always known. She drags my father's memory through the mud, claiming he had a gay affair with the local priest. If only I'd known about NPD earlier in life...it explains so much. And I never got to tell my dad it wasn't him, and it wasn't me... I am sending you my best thoughts of peace and comfort, Pat. Be well.
Oh, Pat, you and I have a similar history. I could write a book about what it's like to be the daughter of a violently abusive narcissistic mother! I am nearly 75 and I have never got over her treatment of me, my sister, my father, and who knows who else. Believing I was unlovable cost me a dear man because I couldn't believe I was good enough for him.
You just described my mom to a T.
Ty for this post x
@@helenhighwater5313 my brother died of AIDS in 1991. To be honest, he was pretty much aware of everything and carried a lot of guilt about it. If he was here, he would have helped me. My mom died in April of this year, and the grieving process has been very, very difficult. I’m glad you were able to find peace in your life, but the whole thing is so painful and leaves scars.
My mother made me feel shame when I was going through puberty.
Mine too 🥺
Ditto, funny thing is my DH says it’s bc I am pretty and she never was. (Dad was very handsome) Also funny, last time she visited w/my uncle he said to her-your daughter looks nothing like you. She got all red faced 🥵
Yess ! Telling people when I got my first period, she also announced my pregnancy without consent (my pregnancy when 18 not during early teen years )
Yep. Same. My mom would make comments to me about acne. My body hair (which I was blonde and had practically no body hair 🙄). What clothes I was not allowed to wear because they looked good on me... all sorts of shit when I started puberty and then all the way through high school. She also has since remained very competitive with me about our body weight since we are close in height and build. But yes, ever since puberty- my body has been the focus of incessant ridicule and I have been entered into a contest I wish to have absolutely no part in 😂 but anyways, hang in there ladies! We can all get through this. The first step comes with understanding and communication!
@@shan5193 My mom wanted me to have abortions. She told me that "kids ruin your life." Now she has the nerve to say, "Aren't you glad you didn't abort __________? Does she not remember saying this? Or is this just a form of gaslighting? It makes no sense to me.
the past year I've been working through PTSD and this video is very enlightening ... I had no idea that my relationship with my mother is so textbook, and also my grandmother's relationships with her children ... I'm glad I was able to escape when I was 16 ... there was a lot of relapsing and second guessing myself along the way but I never imagined I would be able to have the life I have now. I'm grateful to myself, and the mentors I had along the way and deep friendships, I'm very lucky I met such gracious people that gave me what I needed to keep going.
It is so heartbreaking to read all those comments under this video. It seems like so many daughters (from all over the world and at all ages) had to suffer at the hands of their own mothers. I am so thankful, that at least nowadays we do talk about mental health issues and psychotherapy is more normalized.
My advice for every girl/woman that knows those quotes mentioned in the video from their own experience is:
1) No matter if you are 13 or 73 you have the right to feel the way you do. Even If you don't remember everything (or your mother does not agree on what your experience is) - your feelings are there and therefore they are real.
2) It is never too late to start therapy. Take your time to find a suitable therapist. Your aim could be to stop your mom from 'haunting you in your thoughts' or to start your best possible life now. Think of what life you want to lead in 10, 20 or 50 years - No matter your age! (Even just 1 happier month is better)
3) Everybody deserves to be happy - including YOU. (Even if you don't believe it yet.)
Lots of love to all the strong daughters out there ❤️🙏
I can't even listen to this without sobbing. And I'm 65...
Me too sweetheart....you are enough....much love
This makes me cry! 💔
But Atleast now We Understand! 🌟
🥰
Cry it out, sister!! Name it, don’t numb it. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Aww Mami 🫂 🤗
“ all the energy and attention in the household was pulled to the mother.”
!!!!!this is a perfect description of my mother.
This describes my mom to a T even today!
Fits my mother perfectly
To this day, if she is anywhere within listening distance, we are not allowed to refer to her as "she" or "her" if we are talking amongst ourselves. She will yell at us and tell us "I am not 'she', I am MOM! DON'T SAY SHE!" She is 83 years old now.
My mom gave everyone the single mother, working constantly, giving my only child everything, I’m so selfless act, but in reality things were so very different. I paid dearly for the material items I was given. ❤️💛💙
My 40+ daughter and I, 70+, just listened to this together. She had me pause it several times to discuss the issue. She said at each pause "That's my Dad, not you". He slyly but effectively broke both of us but she was his punching bag. When the abuse became physical I divorced him. She was 11/12yo. But the damage was done. She became rebellious. We both eventually ended up in hospitalised on psych units. We've both worked hard together and separately with counseling on recovering our "true" selfs. The damage a narcissist can subtlely do to one's psyche is immeasurable. We now live together but are respectful of each other's journey.
I honestly had to stop watching because it was so upsetting, but my overall reaction is "yup that's my entire life"
Same
Same
Indeed, flashback city for me.
@ Lin,Jesus 🙏🙏🙏can help you heal.And show you,💡 you are loved 💡and smart 💡,and gifted💡.and. He can walk you thru healing.✝️💖😊
@ Lin,
And special .....💖
As a child I tried asking everyone: neighbors, priest, doctor, aunts, to find out if I was adopted. I NEEDED to know she wasn't really my mother. No such luck.
I thought they might’ve might’ve mixed me up at the hospital
I remember hoping and praying the same thing.
I was adopted. My parents were two only children married at 19. My grandmother arranged the adoption in hopes of saving the marriage. Thank God I bonded with my grandmother. Life-saving, as I was loved. My mother hated her, and our relationship. I was more than just an obstacle when they soon divorced.
Yea I too though I was adopted for many years, it’s the only things that made sense
I thought I was adopted too at one point. Like I was actually super convinced.
Since learning that I grew up with a narcissistic mother, watching my dad cower and tell me to just put my head down until her rage of unknown origins passed, I have a horrible time trying to have boundaries which has really affected my ability to choose good romantic partners. I still find myself trying to please her even though I know I never will.
I can relate .
Your tree analogy is so spot on. Your concise descriptions brought tears to my eyes. I'm 52 and still struggle to know who I am because I devoted my formative years to saving/helping managing my mother and nullifying my self to keep her happy and siblings ok. I thought that was my job. I remember thinking around 10 that I could take anything and not act out, show feelings, have needs, to keep the peace etc and the people around me were weak because they couldn't. I wouldn't hug my dad, because my mum wouldn't like it if we showed affection to each other, i downplayed my successes or happinesses because they would cause her to act out, and I would be turned on, and the knowledge would be used by mum as a weapon to hurt me in the future ... So by the time I left home I was a shell of a person, I didn't know what I wanted because I'd never been allowed to have needs, desires, (that would be self centred and mother hurting). I didn't know how to have an equal healthy relationship because all I knew was to give, accommodate, sacrifice, suck it up, have no needs,... This is unattractive in terms of attracting a healthy partner, because Of course I was just trying to please and keep what I had ... I had no sense of self value ... It took me to my 40's to understand what had gone on. Psychologists along the way were of minimal help. I was very traumatised by my child hood (extreme psychological abuse-zero support-never acknowledged). Mum was an alcoholic who unleashed hell upon the family at the drop of a hat. I think now that I needed that abuse acknowledged and reflected back to me - I needed it to be said out loud, stuff that had happened, before I could begin healing. But mostly psychologists just wanted to say you have anxiety and depression, how can we make you feel better, change the way you think about yourself and life going forward. But really what i needed was for someone to see that young girl, not me at the time, but first give that young girl an existence, to acknowledge what happened, to mourn for her with me. To speak the moments of agony and fear that she experienced. Then to begin moving forward. But psychologists would generally see my dwelling on these past traumas as unproductive and somewhat self indulgent... So it was like the child that suffered agony and was completely messed up, was never acknowledged, never seen, at the time, and then in the present it was like she never counted, because now it was now time to forget her and move on building a new future. You don't want to be one of those people who blame their childhood forever do you? I needed someone to hear about the times my mother stood at the end of ny bed drunk screaming abuse at me for hours, about what a failed person I was, when I was maybe 4 onward, otherwise she never existed. If she didn't exist, who was I now? Society doesn't like people criticising their mothers, so no outlet there ... I still feel, immense sadness that a child lived this life, that was never seen, acknowledged, no help offered from the world, and when I die it will be as if she was never seen, never counted, a child that came and went but may as well never have been, because her suffering never counted. Grim, I know but I really want psychologists to recognise when an adult comes to them from NPD relationship dynamic. To listen to the horror stories, because victims of this need to speak them, so they can then, on the foundation of their former self, finally acknowledged and now existing, begin to understand the past and construct a healthier future.
I stayed in my room with the door closed afraid to speak. I cried in bed every night wishing I didn't have to live there. Dad never spoke and stayed out of the house most of the time and mom raged, slammed doors, threw things, slammed pots and pans in the kitchen and wanted me to be scared of her, and I was. She shook me violently for getting my clothes dirty when I went outside to play. I lived in solitude and fear and had to never speak either at home or to anyone else. I found a note later in my mother's desk from a teacher asking why I never talked. And my entire life was ruined. I felt comfortable being abused by one man after the next. I have a very high IQ and wonder what my life would have been like with a healthy environment growing up.
OMG, so much wasted potential, and I think we are all pretty smart and tough, that's why they chose to torment us.
Heather Smith .
I feel you on that last paragraph(re:IQ). What's happened has happened. Time is lost & we just have to suck it up really.
It's never too late though. Don't let her win.
I am so sorry that happened to you💔 all of it, the abuse from your mom, your dad by Enabling it, and the horrible men for taking advantage and abusing you. My heart goes out to you. I hope your hurt will lead you to the healer. John 3:16 That’s where mine lead me.
When my mom talks to me, she asks me how i am, then i tell her, then she proceeds on how she is... goes on and on. Shes not interested to know how i really am and just like an audience to hear herself. She has a lot of friends and people love her.
Literally, same thing here. They will go on months, if not years without calling and than when something happens they come out of nowhere. It got to the point where anytime I didn't feel 'good enough' I would began avoiding them until I felt they may be okay with where I am in life.
Same here
Sounds like my full-time vulnerable narc mom
@@marythomas1198 she asks because she has an audience. Shes very friendly to other people and you wouldnt think shes a narc. People love her and adore her.
This is my story exactly! Shame on them.
The one person (Mother) I depended on to protect me was the one person I needed protecting from. I send prayers of healing and hope to all who suffers. Thank you Dr Grande for shining the light on this subject. A new Subscriber. Peace & Blessings. From a U S Army Retired (1982 - 2005) Iraq War Veteran Queen
This speaks to me. My mom is not someone I bring good news. Everytime I have shared our good news my mom took the time to ruin the happy event. Then she will bring up those events as if I was the rude one who ruined it myself. Its exhausting. My dad just goes along with her. I didnt have a safe space in my childhood home. My brother in our adult years told me my mom never acted like that to him so he could not relate. No one believed me that my mom and dad acted a certain way. They look different in their community.
Imagine growing up w/BOTH parents as narcissistic. I had no where to go. Literally. I was allowed to go nowhere. It caused me to start pulling my hair and my father, a dr, would drag me around to his dr friends to show what an ugly daughter he had. Not one of those men ever spoke up to get me help. I think bullies are terrible but I really really hate those who sit back and watch the bully do his thing and never step in.
Evil flourishes when good people do nothing. I don't know who said that but it resonates. I understand.
I'm so sorry. One is hard enough, two is it's own kind of hell. You deserved to be protected; someone should have protected you. I wish you nothing but love
I had a similar situation with both parents as narcissistic too. it's really difficult and i genuinely wish you the best since it's one of the hardest things me and many others had to go through. stay safe
So sorry. Both of my parents were narcs too.
OMG bullies are right, growing up my parents were the biggest bullies. My mother loved parading my faults to the world.
“I’ve tried to deserve my existence by being useful” 🥺this hits hard
I identify with that... very true for me
Yes, this hits home.
Cognitive distortions yes! I was bullied and my mom did nothing,
was always centering her emotions,
hyper vigilant about her behavior
Thank you for this video!
My mother used to play dead and then open her eyes and ‘come back to life’ after I started crying desperately… She would then tell me that if she died or _anything_ happened to her, it would be my fault, I was only two years old. She thought I wouldn’t remember. She was ALWAYS ‘sick’, even though I had worse health problems, but I would always be blamed for _her_ health problems,. As soon as I moved away from her and my sister not longer was allowing her to abuse her, she was suddenly cured miraculously!
All her life was devoted to humiliating me, insulting me and just abusing me in every way possible.
I haven’t talked to her in 10 years. It took 32 years of my life to finally stop her abuse and not doing sooner, is probably the only thing I regret in life.
I’m 50 years old still single and just learning that a lack of self worth and esteem was all rooted in childhood. After 4 years in therapy and several bad “go no where” relationships I learned that my narcissistic mom just did not want the responsibility of raising me period.. I always felt like I was a burden.
Vanessa Malcolm I want to encourage everyone who’s been abused their parents. On of our patients grew up with terrible terrible parents. She’s in her 50’s now. She came in saw the therapist he did EMDR on her. And days later. She remembered a bad memory of her father. And she suddenly forgave her father who the decades and decades of unforgiveness she had for him! We were blown away by the amazing grace of forgiveness. Forgiveness is for us. It releases us from their power over us. She mentioned that decades and decades of unforgiveness, resentment, were broken off of her. Then she started healing for herself.
@ Vanessa, I hear you.
Same 😔
Forgive perhaps, but for God's sake, don't forget and let them run their shit on you AGAIN. I moved across the country, and my whole body improved! It may sound awful, but I'm so glad she's dead.
Vanessa Malcolm I can totally relate but I was told one too many times that I was a burden to take care of, too demanding as a child, too inquisitive, too creative, too much of a challenge for a mother that clearly didn’t want to be bothered!
I spent the first 40 years of my life convincing myself that I was crazy. I thought it was my job to protect my mom - I didn’t realize I needed the protection from her? It took me 20 years of therapy before a therapist told me, “ you’re not crazy - you’re the daughter of a narcissist” wow. Got off meds and created boundaries.
Yeah, it took me 45 years before I realized it was kind of odd that I felt so guilty for not protecting my mother better when I was a kid. To be fair I don’t think she was a narcissist. We were both in a bad situation and she was at best not equal to the challenge of dealing with it.
Me, too!! 💪
I despair for my little 11 year old granddaughter. Her mother totally uses her and using mental abuse and guilt to control her.
Me too not sure when but definitely knew she wasn't like my friends moms. At 55 realized it was narcissism, as my older brother
@@debhammersley6756 Go to child service. Ask for advice. Let your granddaughter know she I alright. It is so important that she has got you.
I lived all that. Thank you for validating it. I have no clue how I am a different healthy person today. One thing is, staying the hell away from her is bliss.
The most painful part was that my Dad didnt protect me from my mothers abuse and took no part in the decision making in our home. So almost everything that took place was the decision of a very disturbed person, my mother. My only sibling ran away from home at age 15 and I had to deal with it alone. In those days there was no one to turn to. Other relatives simply had no interest. Whats very sad and telling is that there are approximately 6.8 thousand comments. I have always felt like a freak for having almost no emotional validation and very little support for my situation in life. Thank you Dr. Grande good job.
I hope you far away from her. Listen Dr Rarmani, she is specialist in narrccisist
Ditto. Dad just wanted to stay out of the line of fire.
Isolated childhood here. Spot on. I've learned not to trust anything she says. She makes herself appear as the victim, but she doesn't mention whatever she might have done. And when you remember how toxic and provocative she can be...I went no contact. Best decision of my life.
no contact seems extreme, I moved 1,000 miles away from certain relatives and it improved my relationship with those individuals greatly. You’re really strong to handle going no contact. I’m practically there, since I’m normally not contacted unless someone needs something from me.
miss19lolo I had a pretty isolated, yet denied childhood. She'd always make herself the victim and accuse me of bullying her into staying when she wanted to leave, she also used threatening tactics on me. But she'd also be quite neglectful in a sense of leaving and going places without me. I always dealt with like 300 calls of her either telling me how much she misses me, or how much she hates me and never wanted me. She also used to take credit for my accomplishments, saying how she was an excellent mother.
When I would tell people the truth they would say oh your Mom really? She was good fooling people on the outside of the immediate family. She would twist stuff around and plot and scheme. The worst about gossiping and if she gets caught talking shit about people she will try and worm her way out. Say I didn't mean it that way or I was just concerned. BS She controls everything everyone hears about us children and they think it is the truth. She has destroyed a lot of relationships including with my siblings. They run to her aid like poor Mom and are her little flying monkeys. My Dad sides with her even when I tell him the truth. His comments to me was like,"you just had to do it didn't you?" like it is my fault.
No contact. Agreed. Ending contact with my parents is one of the most positive thing I ever did for my life. People really don’t understand this. I’ve been demonized by lots of people for ending these relationships. Doesn’t matter the levels of emotional, mental and physical abuse... I’m the one over reacting bcz I finally said No. do what is right in your life ❤️❤️❤️
@@Cagedontheinside Lol Flying Monkeys! I couldn't have described it better. Thank you for making my day!
My mother was a very cruel woman, and the day I terminated the mother-daughter relationship was bittersweet. I grieved for what I never had from my mother, a loving, caring relationship, but felt instant relief that the weight of her ego was no longer an issue.
i just got a job and i just really hope to be able to move out in the next year or two
Yes, grieving for what I never had. I finally figured out that I never had real love so I'm not missing something I've lost, I'm missing something that a mother represents, that I just never had, and letting go of the hope that I will ever get it from her.
Exactly this.. A little grieving but so much relief.
@@RevLetaLee This is the thing I'm finding most difficult to do. Letting go of that image in my head of the nurturing mother I deserved. Letting go of that need in my heart to be loved unconditionally by a mother that is kind, compassionate, accepting. Time after time I keep hoping I'll find it in her... even though, deep down, I truly know she is not capable of being that for me. I guess it's really about accepting that my mother will never be the mother I needed as a child or the mother I need now as a 60 year old woman. And grieving the 5 year old girl that never had a mother or a childhood.
Sometimes my mind makes me question still if it was my mom that was the issue, but that proves it all the more when I remember all the people that were blocked off from me, she adopted me for the money..
Bingo!!!! All of the above!!
Thank God for my Daddy, I am strong because of him now.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this video. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, with an isolated childhood. I am also the mother of a daughter and I constantly worry that I am going to replicate my own childhood with her, despite my best efforts. Listening to this made me realize that I don’t do any of the things my mother did to me… obviously this doesn’t make me a perfect parent or mom… just one who is desperate not to repeat this hell with my own kid. Thank you for also speaking about the hyper-vigilance and being turned away from other people. It takes a lot for me to ask for help and let other people in. I go long stretches without speaking to my mom. The first time I went no-contact I was completely lost without her, but also felt free for the first time in my life.