I think these exercises are for people who are in situations with narcissists where they can't run yet, but need to keep the peace for a certain amount of time in order to live.
Out there in the real world, you cannot avoid having contact with narcissists because they are EVERYWHERE. Some of us really don't have any choice about the matter, we HAVE to deal with them. The "oh just go no contact" argument is just a fantasy and not possible for many people.
Sometimes people are covert narcissists and you can't remove them from your life easily or maybe even at all because they're a part of your family, or you work together. I'm sure there are other similar situations too. In those cases where removing them isn't easy/realistic, I'd think Grey Rocking would be the best tactic for coping. That's just my personal opinion though, as a person who was in therapy for a decade, and not a therapist in any way.
@@saynotohookups You're right; narcissism is a spectrum, and we all fall on it somewhere. Some people may be higher on that spectrum than others, and still not be classified as having NPD. Many people will look at things in a very black and white way, which isn't typically helpful to the conversation unfortunately.
My dad did all this with my narcissist mom for years, telling her she was always right, apologizing when she attacked him & flattering her all the time (especially as he was getting older and had lost all stamina to fight her). What he gained was a major depression, alcoholism and cancer, trying to keep it all inside for so long.
My dad di that too. Now he's 59, and takes the role of narcissistic enabler on top of developing severe traits of NPD too (they've been together for almost 40 years). He hides his sadness by distracting himself on social media and stuff. Never spend time just thinking. Stay strong, you're not alone in this at least. Wish you all the best in your journey & healing ❤
I totally agree, it was always my fault, anything that was wrong in his life was my fault. Even when he assaulted another woman that he married and got us both pregnant at the same time... I pushed him to it by provoking him by the tone of my voice and hes still in jail because I haven't called his probation officer enough... but he can't seem to let me go... but I make him miserable... but he can't seem to stop physically abusing me or any other woman in his life. He stalked my house and my moms house, kicked my moms front door in.. I know it's over but he is still in jail blaming me and saying that he will never leave me alone. I literally had to call the police and get a restraining order and he still has contacted me
I lived with one for 9 years and actually subconsciously did all this to keep the peace. IT IS EXHAUSTING and will drain your lifeforce. Not recommended for longer than extremely short term interaction....
@Eric McDonald Oh I agree! I had 20 yrs in but was only surviving to help my children & I honestly did NOT know my rights. I knew getting out would be dangerous due to constant threats & it took 4 years in Court to get full custody of my kids & a fair divorce! Wish I had left long before I did
I've also been using some of these tactics just to try to keep the peace. It's been 20 years and I'm truly exhausted but at least being consciously aware of what I've been doing and learning a few more ways I can smooth things over is incredibly helpful. I'm planning an exit strategy now but it's going to take some time so I agree, these are great for short term interaction but if you extend it beyond a few months or maybe a year it will drain you considerably.
Exactly! I lived with a narcissist for 3 years and lying and praising doesn't work at all. My narcissist boss was the same, he would pick up on fake compliments easily. They are master manipulators, you have to be a bigger narcissist to play this sick twisted game. This is just going to further complicate things and make you feel trapped and less of yourself. How long can a true person carry on a charade? It is draining for me.
Sometimes your option, it is NOT possible. Especially if a young adult who is still dependent on parent; a spouse financially dependent and/or with child; so on. Life has many many facets not just from our own experiences. So it’s always helpful and supporting to others, when we allow room to know that there are possibilities that are not available to others.
basically yes. Some techniques may work, but only for some time. You will need all of your self control to get along and avoid conflict and you may succeed for a couple of months, but all the frustration that builds up inside you from this constant effort will make you seriously blow up sooner or later. You're either going to get depressed or explode after a couple of months.
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Yes. Yes yes. It may feel like breaking a boundary. But your gaslit self will appreciate that you recorded. Your potential lawsuits will appreciate that you recorded. Just record on your phone when interacting. Email it to yourself with a super short description of the convo. And don't listen unless you need to.
Listen to it when you weaken your resolve, when you begin to doubt yourself about your newfound understanding of what's happening in the relationship. Just replay one or two of those conversations-- and INSTANT RESOLVE! One review and SHAZAM you're back in the insanity-- fantastic device to prevent backsliding
@@sadiestoltzfus9798 Same here with my brother. I’ll bet those pricks call you “disloyal” and crap like that just to convince themselves they’re not abusive
@@CursedWheelieBin I'm the youngest of four children. My oldest brother is now seventy and I'm 54. Our mother is 92. He expects me to be the one to do things he could and should be doing like say going with her to the Dr. etc. My mother is not the typical helpless little old lady. She drives, takes care of her own bills,. And takes care of her own house. She also can be a pain in the ass bitching all the time about politics etc. She has no serious health issues. Anyhow my brother states I am jealous of him. States I take advantage of my mother.On and on. He also tries to boss me around. And I haven't spoken to him since 2013. He does this by telling my mom "get Sadie to do this". Get her to do that. And I don't which pisses him off more. I could go on but I could write a damn novel. Take care and Merry Christmas.
The list is a very helpful survival kit for children stuck with narcissistic parent(s). It's painfully ironic that many here are unable to think beyond their own situation..
Anyone who's lived long enough with a true narcissist will never go through it again. You learn quickly what behavior to look for in a person and push them away instantly.
That’s a very nice way of looking at it but it doesn’t apply for me. Narcissistic abuse can happen for years before the victim even realizes what they are dealing with. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. For me, I keep finding myself in relationships with narcissists. I attract them. They are sneaky and play games with your head and your heart. I might see things , hear my intuition, but then for one reason or another I’m convinced that I’m off base. It’s the nature of the abuse to keep me confused and in the dark.
@@evalisabowers8898 you need to understand the behavior and also how your behavior enables them and how they manipulate you. You need to study their behavior so you recognize it in others. It doesn't apply to you only if you are incapable of learning.
@@jellybean6778 I don’t know if you meant that to come across this way or not.. but of course I am capable of learning. You had me listening until you insulted my intelligence. I have been educating myself about narcissism. And the reality is that I a lot of disorders and extenuating circumstances can look like narcissism to the untrained eye. We can’t just go around diagnosing people. But what I was basically expressing was how I keep attracting narcissists like a moth to a flame. I can only guess why that is happening. I need a professional to actually diagnose me instead of some random internet person who seems to want to tell me that I am incapable of learning… also you sound like you’re victim shaming. There’s just so much wrong here
My first red flag incident with a recent narcissist was me having boundaries. They took boundaries in a negative way because they don't like when people have them.
@Miwa I was going to comment that the same just happened with me and a newish friend. She was a time manipulator, which i am very familiar with from previous run ins with Narcissists and sociopaths. For just one example, Every lunch date gets moved, her needs for get-togethers became erratic and if we had plans to spend time, based on my idea, she would come then only stay for a few moments... this was after only being friends for a few months. So, I told her that I needed to make plans that stick and keep a schedule that allows me to share a car with my son. I did this to test her after picking up on the red flags. Sure enough, the very next lunch we had planned (to celebrate a work victory on my part.) She called the day before wanting to "pivot" to just an hour before, she said her work was just too important to be there on the time planned and completely lost it when I firmly said I could keep the origional plan but, especially because I didn't have access to transportation at the time. She tried to text debate and get super petty about me not caring enough about HER Needs, and when told her to stop and we could discuss it in the future, she just got hyperbolic. So I broke it off as friends and 'canceled' the work we were collaborating on. It is very interesting to watch an otherwise intelligent person with a lot going for them, turn into a complete toddler over something so simple as setting one boundry like keeping plans.
@Miwa I won't go into great detail but I set a boundary, they didn't like that so they tried to intimidate me by giving me the death stare and then I decided to not associate with them anymore and they tried to pull several unsuccessful manipulative tactics.
I love how he brings up the fact that sometimes you can't avoid the narcissist because they are your boss or your co-workers. In today's age, you will often encounter narcissistic people in every social setting, so going no contact is not the solution.
True, but how do we live life surrounded by these soul sucking parasites?? Any suggestions, please share. Because I’m facing the same problem, if I go no contact with everyone, I’ll basically be living under a rock. Guys any suggestions, with least damage to self are appreciated.
@@msredcurtains look at how u point the finger. Do u feel that u are better ? I bet you got some things that are really ugly too. But u hide it by talking ugly about people u have no idea how they got this disorder. God loves me. Maybe u should Ask God to help u understand so u don't be part of the abuse I went thru
My motto is this... when I want to treat the narcissist the way they treat me, don't. This stuff is so draining. I'm done. In the middle of the reverse discard.
honestly i said that and then foolishly resorted to it out of desperation when my silence (me holding in everything i want to say)made him rage and berate me. i started repeating things he’d say casually to invalidate me now and then. it only gave him ammo to fire at me and helped me lose myself in him. i mumbled one day “you dont care about me” and he started insulting me and behaved as he claimed he would if he really didnt care and said he’d kick me out and not care if i was homeless. he wanted to punish me for insinuating that he didnt care about me. what the fuck. in the case of a long term romantic relationship, i strongly agree w your motto. if theres any choice at all you have to run. im still trying to stop caring about him.
The best way to keep peace with a narcissist is avoid interaction as much as possible. Most importantly, this preserves one's inner peace by eliminating an unwelcome stressor.
In a sense, the real problem for you starts if you work in an environment which rewards narcissistic behavior. You can be seduced by material and status gains into giving your own self-centeredness more time at the wheel than is healthy. :/
I think the number 11 technique would be to very quietly plan your escape. You could have a perfect way of dealing with this problem. When the rubber hits the road, you have to hit the road along with the rubber...
The hardest part for me is push for 'medium' level of flattery. If I flatter too hard, I get name requested to work exclusively as the lead hand on the narcissist's jobs. If I say what's on my mind or point out mistakes, the narcissist would tell my superintendent I suck and can't follow orders. I try to be likable enough to avoid abuse but a few times while playing the 'yes man' its pretty easy go too far. My skills and training is in construction, not theater. I shouldn't have to take acting classes to be able to survive my work environment.
I feel like this video should be titled “How to Keep Being a Good Supply” It’s everything I’ve been doing for years, without even realizing it, while I slowly lose my sense of self and my sanity. That said, I appreciate the content for demonstrating this to me.
you’re doing it wrong, if you gaslight them enough you can benefit from the situation. keep your empathy for them the same as they empathize for you - zero. 😇
It's a good thing that you didn't realize it. Sometime it is better to be oblivious and ingnore the facts than suffer and be aware. Narcs are much happier when they have unsuspecting victim in their hands, they are not happy if you are rebelious and trying to have your opinion. I think now that you realized what your relationship is about, I would advice to plan your exit strategy but never reveal that to your spouse. Just be ready and one day leave without a word so you can escape safely. Best wishes and don't blame yourself. Many have been through it and many will be. @Morgan Jones
Yes! A key part of Grey Rocking isn't just shutting off our external reactions to them, it is redirecting our attention to what is healthiest for us, and letting them go without their permission, approval, or discussion.
Thats very true. I live with an narcissist and over time ive seen how much they are affected when I dont pay attention to them and how in a subtle way I completely dissociate and not care at all about anything they do since everything they do is calculated.
I lived with a brother who was a narcissist who was enabled by our mother. I learned that it was best to ignore him. But even that lead to negative outcomes for me because he began to focus more in me. He would find ways to spy on me and lie about me and try to get me in trouble. He became obsessed with me. Physically tried to overpower me in subtle sexual ways. I eventually had to plan to move out of the house right after graduation from high school to avoid all this. Which meant that I had to go to work immediately and missed out on a couple free rent college years that my father was trying to talk me into. Eventually had to confess that I had to move out because of my brother and since he had power over them and would never kick him out I had to leave. I could never tell my father all the awful things he was doing to me because he would probably kill my brother and my brother might eventually kill him.
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.” - Karla Grimes
Usually after one of the two dies. One of my sisters passed away. Her Ex-husband, a minister is a narcissist, convinced the congregation she had mental issues (she did because of him!!) and a horrible wife. He literally stalked her after their divorce. She checked herself into a mental well-being facility and he couldn't access. While there she met someone who was dying, they married. She took care of her wonderful MIL. Later my sister passed. My mom happened to tell me what happened. Sad 😔
This is amazing. It tells us just how in love with themselves the narcissist really is. It’s no wonder they hate us when we are not treating them like kings or queens 24/7.
Y’all my aunt was married to a narcissists and now she 6 feet under ground. If you get the right people involved then yes you can run. RUNRUNRUN!!! Her last words with her eyes closed was “GIVE ME MY Medicine “😢😭😢😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺. In other words he was not giving her the medications. He kept it and she slowly died. RUN 🏃♀️
My best friend's husband is a creepy narcissist.. he once told her he prayed to God that she would be paralyzed in a car accident so she would have to let him take care of her. She now has lung cancer, stage 4.
@@snu3877 is he by her side enjoying being powerful and her dependent on him or did he flee scared of that much responsibility and getting bored of taking care of her?
IMO, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to be emotionally healthy and self reliant. Once they realise you have healthy self esteem and are not very susceptible to manipulation, they will quickly move on to an easier target. Of course, there might be situations when you're in a narcissist's way (e.g. at work) and then you need to be very careful to protect yourself.
Yes. Manipulation should only be done to survive whilst extricating yourself from the situation at the earliest available opportunity. After that the goal should be strengthening your own worth and boundaries and never significantly engaging in the first place.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
It's more than a year for me. I am still not fully recovered from the damage. I keep replaying what happened because I didn't have any closure, and I am still recognizing more and more lies I wasn't able to look through back then. She loved to make me jealous, talked about the plentitude of previous partners. I unfortunately missed the biggest warning sign and that was how horribly she talked abour her ex-partners. All of them were psychopats or incompetent. She only ever admired the one who was a pilot and actually was the only one who broke up with her. Before me.
👏 bravo. Any story of escaping an abusive narcissist deserves an ovation. Mine destroyed decades of my life. Almost 50, and I'm just feeling normal again
When I disengage from a narcissist manipulating and controlling the conversation, I like to point randomly and shout “ Look! A squirrel!” Then I walk away. Positivity to all.❤️🇨🇦
I've done all these, but only as a child with a sociopathic father. When you're trying not to be killed or injured, these are good tactics. As an adult, it's complete no contact with abusers. At work, its complete gray rock and much documentation. Good luck, all. It's a jungle out there!
@@gigigirl2229 As Dr. Grande said in the video, narcissists do see, and respect (or less contemn, are "less disgusted by") other narcissists, as peers in elitehood.
@@JudgeJulieLit, narcissist will battle with each other a lot too. I've seen a bunch of times where they try to work together on something/someone only too start going head on with each other. They are very toxic people and will go back and forth with each other for power and/or control.(Well power and/or control in their delusional little worlds though.)
@@magpiegirl3783 I'm really struggling with this fam. What do you do to not get pushed beyond your limits? I get impulsive and talk back which enrages them, when they are the ones that get under my skin and push me off my limits. and these people are my both of my parents.
I agree. Manipulation is not the way to go. You have to study their behavior, be aware and then make plans to remove yourself from them. Work on yourself instead. Try to understand why you became the narcissist target in the first place. That is what I did. I am narcissist FREE! Good luck!
What helped you most in realizing why you were a target? I know mainly why I was a target, and broke free entirely and am FREE but also curious of your perspective and experience. Tysm ❤️🫶🏻
I started asking the narc I have to deal with, “ can I get this?” When we go grocery shopping. And I do it loud enough for other people to hear me. And I purposely keep a distance between us out in public. A LOT of people have “noticed it”. I will walk a wide birth around him when he is paying, or I will purposely step away from him if he moves closer to me out in public. It makes people “Watch” him. He does get a little ticked off but I give no reaction. Just stay silent or play dumb as a brick or oblivious to what he is talking about, as if I didn’t see what happened...but I did. A little bit dangerous on my part, but it’s my way of letting him know that he is being “watched” and others WILL step in if he gets ugly. He has burned A LOT of bridges with good people that helped him in the past. After they found out the things he had done to me over the years they basically cut ties with him because they were disgusted with his behavior. Now MANY people that KNOW us, know that he is out of control.
@@saynotohookups Permission to use the bathroom, yes. I didn't "have to" per say but it sure did make the living situation easier to just play along sadly. The mean and evil mind games would start if I lived life like a normal person as I do now!
Interestingly this was how I coped with my ex girlfriend for seven years. She kicked me out two months ago and is now with my Boss. Its hard to be mad when your so happy to be free.
videos like this helped me go no contact with my covert mother. i spent my whole life thinking i was overreacting. now that i know the truth, i left the relationship. These videos and the information changed my life. I stopped self destructing and now love myself. THANK YOU
For those people who have no choice but to interact with the narcissist this advice is very important. Disarming them constantly is the best advice because they are honey badgers if you ever try to take them on.
Don’t then. Save yourself because your mental health is most important! You must rise in consciousness to do these things and it’s in your nature to be kind and real to everyone-Including the mentally ill.
Avoiding is best. But this is about how to control them, in case you have a boss, co-worker, client or are related to one, and avoiding them is not possible.
This doctor is spot on!! You have to go along with them, but you have to be completely convincing because they suffer paranoia as well. They can sense if someone is not genuine.
Some month ago I started watching your videos and I am stunned by the amount of work u put into this channel over five whole years. Hence I want to thank you for all the informing content you produce. Keep it up!
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
1. 3:00 Don't be stunned in a negative way 2. 3:40 Avoid criticizing 3. 4:14 Complement 4. 8:15 Double check others' advice w/the narcissist 5. 9:00 Be mad on behalf of the narcissist 6. 9:48 Ask for their advice and be amazed 7. 10:31 Offer to help 8. 11:20 Ask them about their dreams 9. 12:38 Empathize with their feelings 10. 15:06 Don't put yourself down
My mother in law checks every box. I try to interact as little as possible with her but when I do I am sure to never question her or disagree with her. I used to attempt to insist on reality but it would just result in her blowing up on me and saying horrible things. I have decided it isn’t worth it.
I have a highly narcissistic sister and our relationship has slightly improved since we don’t see each other every day anymore. Gaining some distance is probably the best treatment.
Same as my grandious narc.elder sister....made my younger life hell...but well hidden ..destroyed my famili any means of good fortune..jobs I lost coz she needed some one to use an abuse.....whn I became surplus to her requirements.(she found a man) I was homeless turned addict to any source of comfort......She just continued pretended she didn't no anything about me...they clearly believe they are not responsible ....as she could not see what was happening.......truly f******. evil..never underestimate the rr ability to just not care for any one else but them selves.....
omg you’re literally me, as much as i love her and how close we are, day by day is getting wearying to me and now i’m miles away i feel in so much peace.
@@urmumsgay9065 , No it shows just how ignorant You really are... I dont care who you are Step children, Brother or niece ...if I hold out my arms with love and care and you turn your back on me.... I'm not kissing nobody's @ss...
“Sometimes you manipulate the narcissist to survive”. You observe their techniques, and appealing to their egos is key to your success until you can get the HELL away and go no contact. There are those that exhibit traits, then there are those that are full out narcs that slide in and out of psychopath tendencies. It’s all a game of one-upmanship and control with them. They will have you doubting everything you perceive, including your self-worth.
In an unavoidable relationship with a narcissist in my life I need tools not to manipulate, but to avoid giving my power away. It’s sad that one has to consider power dynamics but I’m tired of feeling manipulated myself.
Kids together…. 🤔 Do what’s best For You/ put your self first ( and 80% first ever before the kids) and that will be best for the kids too. Some People do everything for there children 👧 and neglect them self. That’s terrible for the children 👦. A parent Depression anxiety Panic attacks no motivation = 👧👦sad On the other hand 🖐 a fit healthy productive parent = 👦👧 happy
@@jr5389 I couldn't do this because my ex covertly threatened the children's lives and made it clear what he was capable of, but he was so deceptive it wasn't something I could prove. He would deny it hotly. He sounded so sincere and reasonable. I had to wait until they were much older and even then it was very dangerous and harmed them, but by then it was do or die. The legal system favours these evildoers. It was very scary getting out and it has had horrible repercussions, including financially, but also brought some peace, although I am still in trauma. My children have been further traumatized by the permissions to further harm them he was legally provided.
Trying to 'help' a narcissist uncover their veil is equivalent to scolding a cat for pissing on the carpet - they're just not gonna get it and if they do they don't care.
Percy Blakeney great analogy-so appropriate 😂when a cat pees-its a territory thing or they’re frightened and scared so they mark their territory. And if you punish and or reprimand them they feel even more angry and threatened so they piss even more. But if you don’t make a big deal out of it, and are kind while soothing them, and clean the area with a solution of vinegar, a lil hydrogen peroxide, distilled water and baking soda-then place a small dish of food on the spot-they get the message that they’re safe and this is not where they pee-this is a safe place😂
I love this checklist of problem-solving these relationships. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship and asked my therapist for a year if I was a narcissist because I managed by using manipulation as a coping mechanism. Didn't realize it was ok.
It's all very confusing. I'm still sorting out being "triggered" and "hypervigilance". 🤦 Or just being aware of your surroundings, vs hypervigilance. 🤔
Key phrase "hmm -- well that's an opinion you can have." Check out dr Les Carter and dr Ramani if you haven't already. I have a feeling you're familiar though ;)
Well if it's a game of manipulation and you need something from them, then this advice is mostly a way to turn their game around & flip it back on them. There have been narcissists in my life that I've placated either bc I was in danger or I knew stroking their ego would be enough to get them to ease up on their controlling behavior to allow me to do (or have) something. Or as a way of building up a narc's trust, so that you could later dismantle their ego. I actually did this unintentionally, I broke a narc after he became co-dependant on my ego-feeding. One day I got so fed up with his BS that I told him exactly what I really thought about him (between slaps to my face) and why his wife left him & none of his kids wanna see him. I blurted it all out while he kept throwing his fist until he finally walked away and my brother came down yelling "What did you do? He's crying!" I did not feel remorse, especially bc my mother stood there doing nothing while he was hitting me. Instead of criticizing him for the abuse, she looked at me and said that _I_ had gone too far!!! I couldn't believe it. That's why I hardly ever talk to my family and live alone as a hermit. People suck. Anyway if you're gonna compliment a narc, those would be the 3 reasons: 1. To placate a dangerous/threatening individual 2. To alleviate some of the control forced on you 3. As part of a long game of building up their confidence & then breaking them
@@YourMajesty143 Wow, I'm glad you were able to get yourself out of that! Thank you for sharing your story! Putting it into perspective like this, the video makes sense. I hope you've found a way to open up your heart again, and steer clear of these types of people. peace.
True. But if it's a safety thing, these are okay ideas. But still just for as short term as possible. It's soul crushing to say the least to pretend you're someone you're not.
I come from a family full of narcissists. It made me feel insane & really messed me up. I never even knew what a narcissist was until recently. Wish i woulda known way earlier.
Same here. I suspected they may have it but downplayed it as them as just having large egos & for cultural reasons. When I learned about narcissistic rage, hoovering, and narcissistic discard I was shocked at how their are terms that match to the T how they behave.
Me too. Both of my parents were narcissists and my only sibling turned out to be one as well. Needless to say growing up in that house was absolute hell. I was the one everyone blamed for everything and took out their anger and rage on, was never good enough, basically the family punching bag
I’m still married, I want out but hel take the house I bought before we got married. He won’t work or do anything, his true colors are coming out. I’m stuck and trauma bonded with CPTSD . AHhhhhhh
My son was married to one. Hopelessly in love. But whatever he did was never enough. He was never good enough. She separated him from his side of the family. She gaslighted him, she lied to him, she cheated on him. All of it was his fault. He finally shot himself.
I feel that manipulation as a way of dealing with a narcissist is repulsive and actually makes them worse. I personally will avoid them, having been abused for years by one, I learned the best relationship with one, is a zero relationship with them.
Perhaps a parent, without the option of abandoning a disordered child, could get some peace and protect their own mental health using the techniques. If it's your co-worker or neighbour etc, wouldn't this be enabling and set them up, along with the people around them, for a bigger narsistisic crash and fall out at some point later on?
Try having your dog that you bought named and trained stolen from you, and your only option to get him back is manipulation, you wouldn't say absolutely anything so you could to get your son/daughter/dog back?
I keep this sign on my wall: "THE LESS YOU RESPOND TO DESTRUCTIVE PEOPLE, THE MORE PEACE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE". There's a term called "going gray rock" with a narcissist. In other words, IF you have to be around one-job, had children with one- you MUST act as boring, dull and emotionally muted as you possibly can. You blend into the background; if you have to answer you give one word answers. If a narc thinks you're boring or mentally dull-GOOD. Really, you shouldn't have one in your life unless you unfortunately had kids with one. They are worth quitting a job over if you have to, they are worth completely ignoring if you are related to one. They will do nothing but hurt you-no matter how smart and stable you are, they have a weapon you do not-they have NO conscience or empathy so they will stop at NOTHING to entangle you in their web and suck you dry. If you are literally TRAPPED with one and are trying to avoid narcissistic rage, then you can do the things this guy suggests until you can escape. But really? If you keep behaving the way he suggests, it WILL affect YOUR mind and you will start developing Stockholm Syndrome. You, a person with empathy and a conscience, will start identifying with the narcissist and even start feeling SORRY for him/her! Look at all these comments of people who stay with their narcissist. They talk about how miserable, draining and heart-breaking it is, but they STAY. Because they are trapped by their own MISPLACED compassion. A narc knows how to tap into that You can't win with a narc-your only way to live well is GET RID OF THEM FOREVER.
It means a lot to me now, it made me feel powerfull! thank you so much, now im sure that i dont need him in my life. its draining me, and im very empathetic person, so i really start to think how you wrote: "i started to feel sorry about him, and im trying to help him bf breaking up." but its breaking me, and he has more power everyday. i will break up with him even today!!!! i will keep you updated ( thanks God i realised it quite soon, im with him for "only" 4monts!!)
I agree with you 100% on being boring and one word answers. I learned that in my four years of Military Service. That is one job that you can't quit! 😂
I find the easiest way to compliment a narcissist sincerely is to wait for them to do something good and then comment on it. It’ll encourage better behavior too. You’ll find their reasoning is at least MOSTLY selfish no matter what they do, so I think encouraging them to manifest their narcissism in a pro-social manner is the healthiest approach. Especially if you ever witness one of the rare times they’re forced to apologize or tell the truth. “That was real big of you to come clean like that, man.”
@INERT you kinda put my strategy in a vacuum where it's the only strategy being used, which is obviously not going to be the case. So I don't feel warned.
I laughed so hard when I listened to this. It works, everytime. But as dr Grande says - should only be used when no other options are available. No contact is to prefer. This is a truly sad topic, with people in pain, on both sides, but it felt good to laugh. Thanks for great talks!
For me the best way to deal with a narcissist especially in a love relationship, is to detach, move and block their energy as they’ll hold onto to your energy until they find more else where and then drop you like you were meaningless, which you were to them. Energy vampires do not change.
There's a great book "Celestine Prophecy" that describes the different ways certain personalities in relation to your energies insofar as whether they share energy, steal energy or give energy
There is no love relations with narcissist. Only sex ,no love for you ,no love for the children. Personally i would leave . Emotional concentration can bring you to be like them. These games are just not worth it.
The horrible thing is... narcissists really like to make you miserable no matter how happy you make them. They're going to backstab you in the end as hard as they can. And I think it gets worse the more you make them happy, actually. It does make them worse. And worse.
From wondering what I'm understanding here is that you're disagreeing with the feeding of the ego to The narcissist in order to obtain a desired result or in order to potentially protect yourself from a tax and make your communication and "relationship" with them with less of a struggle. Dr Todd Grand I do not mean disrespect by disagreeing with your statement I see that you very much know the dangerous interactions that are being partaken when interacting with a narcissist especially some of the really really twisted ones they're generally sadist who just love to cause pain they'd rather have an argument for three days about nothing and be miserable at the cost of anything including anything that they benefit from just at the exciting arousal they appear to receive from making their unhappiness spread to others. I was with a pretty strong narcissist it felt like I was in prison he even went so far as to tell me after he had trauma bonded me on flying monkeys had done their damage to my trusted companions they were no longer safe if they tried to help me and no one could see what I was up against it appears. I definitely found that when he was feeding he was way worse yes it was my survival technique at times to avoid further troubles trials and tribulations to pretend I did not thirst for an escape route while I pretended to be smitten and under his control. When I did do these behaviors of compliance with him I found that yes I could avoid complications at times and if I fought against him with my strength and refusal to be deflated by his attacks that he would come at me repetitively until it would turn into a physical or mentally detrimental outcome for me. But the narcissists know how to pick their targets they like to pick someone who is empathetic understanding compassionate good natured easily compliant and manipulated to the extent where you literally become a puppet. I decided to eat lots of food and just lay still for long periods of time refusing to shower and attempting to be as minutely sexually alluring as possible. I'm not sure whether it was my strength and determination to not drown in his wake or whether it was the combination of my strength and my good nature I tried to teach him a little bits and let him know that I was very knowledgeable in regards to these personas. I educated myself as much as possible and told myself that my imprisonment to his needs was for a few reasons, in order to stomach it. I got the study the disorder the nature I got to try out different tactics and measure responses etc I told myself it was a learning experience. I also told myself that if it got bad enough that he was going to kill me thatt I would fight back despite what may come in the efforts to protect future women being destroyed. I find that feeding them literally makes them worse with him if he has a common acquaintance over and I somehow shame him after dealing with him dishing out non-stop attacks,. I tell him because commonly it's true the verbal attacks and hatred they spew upon you is really hatred that they feel within themselves and dislikes they have about their own nature that they reflect on you as they do not see themselves as flawed. When they are empty and self-conscious when they are alone when they are challenged they don't have the strength. If someone would be over and they would feed into him he would get strong and I wouldn't be able to handle it. But I definitely agree that if the narcissist is going to feed regardless the fight is not fair safe or really effective in any way. Those times if he's going to feed the bestest to give him praise and approval so he can rest they will go without sleep until they feed sometimes. They also like to stock social media friends family anything that matters to you is in jeopardy pretty much from the get when connecting with these individuals. Luckily and unfortunately he had picked other people to feed off of who came from harmed environments and hadn't healed so he fed on their unfortunate conditioning from upbringing that led them to want hardships and turmoil. For that reason I feel safer but I will never let my guard down.
I used to hear my mom on the phone in the living room gossiping about relatives and even me lots of times to whoever she was talking to on the phone, I used to feel very angry at what she’d say about me, and when I would walk into the kitchen to make a drink or snack, I’d make eye contact with her and she’d smile so sweetly and wink or something as if what she had said never happened and after I’d go back to my room she’d say more things and I would cry listening to her say embarrassing things, she’d even exaggerate to get a bigger reaction from whoever she was talking to. Narcissistic ppl thrive on other ppls energy and reactions. They thrive on gossiping and talking bad about other ppl. There’s a verse in the Bible that says if you talk negatively or give someone a bad name behind their backs, that that’s a form of murdering that person. In Gods eyes she has murdered so many ppl.
@@Blk_Velvet i have a parental figure who feeds off my pain. i feel for you, the shit they say without any shame usually playing themselve up as the big hero or the alleged victim. The smirk is one of the worst parts that usually means they got the reaction they needed at your cost. yes document and record everything discretely.
@@Moonlit3Hibiscus Do we have the same parent?? Because it sounds like you’re talking about my mom haha! Well there’s something we can take away from this. And that is “how NOT to be” as a person lol
Tip: change the subject as soon as possible and exaggerate positive news and emotions. Studying psychology and acting can help you in these regards as well as strengthening your emotional intelligence
@@czystekurestwo i like the idea but you have to know exactly what you are doing, ill say staying out of their radar is much better than trying to manipulate their feelings towards you, because once they find out or just suspect you are onto something you will become target number one, and get ready for the monkey hordes after that.Never underestimate a narcisist especially if they can exercise some power over you, cause they will.
Couldn´t agree more. This helped me to survive and get out without him noticing. Manipulating narcissist is fairly easy, because they don´t expect the tender lamb to be coldly calculating behind their back, so it is a great defense.
Im a survivor and i will never belittle myself again to that level. Being an empath this almost lost me my kid and mind, im so glad i held out got strong made my plans and acted on them. Dont let them absorb your energy in exchange for hate for oneself.
I keep hearing about these so-called empaths. But I am not convinced. Either it's just a glorified name for a kind of victim.Or it is a form of thinly covered grandiosity. What good are they for anyone? "I'm an empath" sounds like "I'm an especially good human being." Not even narcissists talk like that openly.
this is what narcs also want, once you lose yourself, they can manipulate you into becomming what they want. A minion/servant for them or a bully towards the narcissist, which you should avoid, because they want to be the victim which you are at the start of their abuse. Its stupid, but remember, they were abused by their parents (usually) at early childhood and developed this lifestyle, so its their own fault for not letting go of the past. Best way for narc abuse victims to move on is to let go entirely of the past.
Ah! Thanks! This talk shed light on why I was verbally attacked by a narc boss, after I expressed empathy w/ an issue she brought up, that gave her some distress. I wasn’t worthy in her eyes to express anything, she believed she was too far above me. She perceived my position as being a low status one, so, how dare I address her. Until now I didn’t get why she reacted w/intense anger to my “support”.
There is no reasoning with a narcissist. If you can get away, do it. These tips will temporarily help you until you can get out of the situation. Learn what narcissism is so you can recognize it. I was in denial for so long that I built a trap for myself. Thank-you Dr. Grande.
Your advice is the exact opposite of what I've been learning. I've heard that you should shut down any kind of emotion and keep any conversation short and business-like. My narcissist is grandiose and yes, as someone commented here, it is extremely exhausting to have to constantly agree on how wonderful he is. It just made me resent him more and more and now I can't stand him. Our marriage is now just an existence with each other as roommates. I have a fun life and his only source of happiness now is gambling. With him, bad attention is better than no attention, and that's why I have to be completely "disconnected" and business-like while also trying to save our finances. I'm in therapy to help me get through each week!
My narc is my son! I didn't see him for four years but he's just moved back home and is already trying to change things and run my life. He has no job, no friends and I have a need for the peace I had when he wasn't here. I also can't run away. It's an impossible situation for me and can only hope that things will improve but as he's 40 I can't see it happening. If there is a chance he might see this post, I will have to delete it
@@TheGreatPresenter Your 40-year old child is a middle-aged adult. Stop enabling him. He should be out on his own. There are agencies that can help him.
Making peace with a narcissist is like saying thank you for your abuse. Counter by setting the same expectations and boundaries. They hate their own rules.
The only problem with asking a narcissist for advice is that if you don't take their advice, they take it personally, and they attack you for it. Speaking from experience.
Lots of people get upset when another person asks for their advice and doesn't take it. I have always found that a little strange but now I wonder if some of those people were narcissists. Asking someone's advice only means you value their opinion and you want their take on the situation. It doesn't mean that you're going to blindly follow what they say.
I'm about to go on a family trip with my coparent narc and I swear I needed this with all my heart! Now I feel like I have not only protective armor, but some weapons instead of going in blind with my arms tied behind my back. Thank you so much, your channel has really improved my daily life
I'm at stay at home mom with a cheating narc husband. I'm on my way out, but I need to buy time to get myself financially independent. This is GREAT advice!! I definitely hide my disgust!
You have the most professional explanation, and logical ways to handle a narcissist, that simply put, just can't be walked tossed aside, and walked away from. Thank you for being there, with a voice of reason, and clarity, when I needed it the most. If I can ever help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask. Have a blessed day. Peace out for now, Flyingsun.
I get it. This skills are useful when you find yourself in a situation that you cant quickly get yourself out of...i.e..a work environment. I'd call them survival tactics.
I think this was very insightful as to what makes a narcissistic person tick. The tragic thing about the narcissist is that he/she/they are people who have been traumatised so deeply as children that they repress their true emotions so that they can no longer distinguish a genuine feeling. And they do not trust others. Therefore, as the Doctor points out, any interaction is potentially risky. So I can understand why so many choose to go no contact.
I could never say something like that or anything that just isn't true, especially if that is someone I truly hate and despise. This is hard. It's like going against your inner values/constitution..difficult
I will be sincere, no contact, move on. Don't waste your time with those people. They make my skin crawl, vote them out, don't work for a abusive company. Nice try Dr. Grande but I feel like your approach is conditioning a person to being a slave, flying monkey and eventually in need of psychiatric care.
Even if we don't hate the person, it's enough Not to Lie to Our own Truth! Totally out of question ,going against the Truth is never the way no matter who and what it is !
@@moneymagnetelizabeth Dr Grande clearly says its not the best but if you have no other choice at the time and have to deal with it until safer situations come your way!!! Pay attention
It's not about lying or compromising your integrity. Even a narcissist has some positive qualities--one may have to look for them. So play to their positives a bit for the sake of strife reduction or survival. You use the phrase "someone I truly hate and despise." Got many?
I used to call complimenting narcissists, "blowing sugar up their arse". I was doing it instinctively and not realising it's a survival technique. It's very draining but now that I can think of it as a tactic it might make it easier.
I figured out how to do this on my own when I was a kid because I was raised with both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists and what I learned is that it's very dangerous to the kid's self-esteem to learn these because the habits become internalized. I thought this was who I was, but in reality, I had just normalized my responses to narcissists as part of my personality. Therapy helped me tap into my confidence, thankfully. All this to day that Dr Grande is correct when he says that these should be used sparingly to keep the peace momentarily because otherwise it will (as many of us know) grate on our sense of self and confidence. I'd add that there need to be assertive ways to show the narcissist that you (we) will not be playing this game, otherwise the narcissists takes ALL these tactics you have employed and starts labeling you as weak and below them, and then treating you as such. My personal advice is: let them show you who they are when they believe you are weak, and then strike back with utmost class and confidence saying that you will not play their game. Best case scenario is that you will respect yourself and worst case scenario is that the narc will hate you but respect you.
A lot of these tactics are over-the-top and will bite you in the A. Unfortunately even manipulating a narcissist is unlikely to get you what you want. The most I would recommend doing would be to passively agree with them versus inflating their ego, which is likely to only fuel their control tactics etc. if survival is your goal, the last thing you want is to give them more power OR take it away.
I've done some of these instinctively just too survive. And others I did because I'm sometimes a people pleaser, partly because I like getting along with others and partly because I think an abusive childhood trained me to do that to survive. Life sure is interesting. Thanks for your videos I really like them and I learn a lot.
Like me! :( And it's disgusting to look back realizing how i had to deny and humiliate myself in order to survive! It's hard to reverse this "training" and i feel no remorse though ( to manipulate narcs)!
@@alexk269 I hear you. There is a very nice resource for reclaiming that lost dignity and self respect. It's a site called surviving narcissism and they offer online counselling. I find that guy very good at tackling this very question how the narc tries to turn you into them by putting you in impossible situations that rob you of your self respect over time. We all need to reclaim our lost selves and our lost power. I hope you check him out I think his name is Dr Les Carter if I remember correctly. Peace be upon you.
The problem I find with all of this is that they just get worse. I used to say that one of the narcs in my family went very quickly from gratitude (for what I was doing for her) to expectation (that of course I would keep doing it) to demand (that if I stopped doing it, I was breaking some kind of trust).
I went out with 2 narcissists previously for many years. I did ALL of these things to keep the peace or keep their mood up for fear of their anger. The thing is I did all these things instinctively. I never read up on how to appease a narcissist. It's kind of like playing a game but they don't know they're playing it and I'm only playing it to win ie: they dont lose their shit and verbally or physically abuse or humiliate me. I'm so glad I left them both and have since learned what to look out for in future. Ive purposely remained single for the last 2 years as I'm still not ready for a romantic relationship as I'm still not over what I was put through and I'm happier than I've ever been in my adulthood.
@@littlelily4 Absolutely! they were both full of charm and charisma. Ive since learned these are common narcissistic traits though non narcissistic people can have these traits also.
@@Bexks I totally agree about the charm and charisma in regard to narcissistic people, which can be extremely powerful! My exes were all like that, then I saw it in action with a man I met about four years ago, who is married with children, but many women of all ages had a crush on him where he worked. I'm thinking that some staff members probably did too. Mind you, it seemed like he was naturally charismatic and being extremely good-looking with a beautiful smile didn't help matters at all! I'd never go with a man who has a wife or partner and I'm about 15 years older than this person; however, I could understand the attraction. I also realise that even happily married people can still be attracted to others, yet they don't act on it. I don't know if I'll ever go out with anyone again, but might change my mind when I've sorted my life out. ❤
People have flattered the narc woman I work with giving her extra responsibility and paying her so many compliments for how "great" she is doing. It actually makes her more lazy and less responsible and also thinking she can lord it over everyone who is above her level. We are basically carrying her and she thinks it's the opposite. I won't be paying her compliments. It's really uncomfortable to watch my boss do it. We all appease her for a quiet life and I'm so so sick of it. The thing is there is also a narc in my family who has been off the scene for 2 years. She is now trying to reestablish contact and hasn't apologised for any of her behaviour. I don't want to know unless we all receive a sincere apology and see a real genuine change. I really seem to attract this type of work colleague/ neighbour(another story). I just want to be as far away from these people as possible.. 😑 hugs to all the people who know how this feels. 💙💚
I've been a relationship with this type of person for 9 years. Never knew there was a name for this behavior. I was just coping unsuccessfully. At some point, I began showing some of their behavior back to them in order to survive but that has made me very unhappy. I only stayed because our kids where little and needed a fighting chance. Two years ago I had to move my narc mother who has Alzheimer's in with us. I am drowning and need to get out of both relationships. Our kids are grown now and I am trying to find a facility for my Mother. Then I can move on from both narcissist relationship. This video has been very helpful.
People usually undetrstand a back handed complimemts I use to work with four drs fro. Tufts the secretary who trained was a legl secretaryl .no one cares what ur issues are just get the job done that's the bottom.line.
Yes. A three year old who is deeply hurt. There is this thing called narcissistic wound of which I think of every time dealing with my narcissist. Feeling empathy or more so, being comprehensive like of a dependent and troubled child helps me implement all of those techniques without getting bitter about it. I use these without remorse just to keep me sane, but I am very detached from the situation internally since I know there are things that he just cannot do since he is disabled, in a way. And I am not the right one to help or even treat him, plus most narcissists are very hard to heal even in therapy. I doubt I could change a lot about his behaviour or his life cause after all, it is his life that made him become like he is. Some things happened and shaped him and this is tragedy enough. No one would chose this if he could chose. Everyone would chose a happy and fulfilled life and not this one which took so much from him. So I feel sorry for him most of the time and try to make little things better for him if I feel strong enough, even though he won't recognize them most of the time I guess. But caring in a way for a "blind person" is okay for me because this is what I am. And I don't feel very offended by helping someone who is weaker than me and long as it drains not most of my energy. This is there I stop and recharge and call it a day. But not caring at all for a person like him who already pushed away everyone else with his disability to be socially adaptive would only fuel his failed life and this is something I can't stand by doing nothing. As long as I can help a little bit I will help a little bit. I think that his life is tragic enough like it is, being a vulnerable narcissist. No one should feel this alone. So I stand by even if he can't feel me really or get in touch or make a connection. But I am there, from time to time. No one should feel this alone.
I hate when people compare sick adults to children-children are completely dependent, have no control over their environment or the people who care for them, and have not even had time to learn and develop mentally. A twisted ADULT has power, has had time to learn how to guage people so they can push their buttons, and they have the choice and ability to change their environment and the people they are around. We need to stop being such a child-hating society, because payback WILL be a bitch. Those children we've been treating like sh*t because of our own selfishness will be ruling the world, AND staffing the hospitals and nursing homes we'll end up in eventually as old people. And how do you think they will treat us, because we never took time with them, or showed them patience and love? LOL!
hurry up and hire a collage kid wile they still know every f****ing thing. god knows you cant run a business without constant temper tantrums on all fronts.
Its good to see you're still in the game Doc. 1.3M subscribers ... WOW. The tragedy of this presentation is the depth to which you had to descend in order to navigate interactions with narcissists. Seems to me they "win" in all of these venues because it is the victim who must adjust his behaviors in order to achieve whatever success he/she is seeking from the exchange. And the narcissist walks away feeling better about himself, even though those feelings were generated with false motives.
For a while, I only said Yes, Dear or an equivalent. That was my way of literally surviving during the last prolonged period of the abuse. I see these methods as ways of getting along, which is very important. Honesty is really not involved at a certain point, as the abuser will not listen and will respond with violence, emotional, financial or physical. Honesty does not exist in an abusive relationship. The abuser rips the heart out of honesty and crushes it.
That's my method of operation with my ex-husband. We share children so unfortunately I can't go no-contact. I can't WAIT for them to get to an age where I never have to interact with their father again. Luckily, my younger child already notices the narcissistic behaviour. THANK GOD, because observing his dad's inconsistencies will protect him as he gets older.
How much do you ignore them? What do you do when they start speaking with you? I can only imagine how my narc brother would react to me completely and utterly ignoring him.I have a half a mind to try this out and record the audio.
Try to ignore a narcissist and see what happens. Good advice though, but they will keep comming until you respond with all means, so it is the same thing if you respond or not.
Have a narcissistic boss. She admires herself and twirls to check herself out in the mirror. Very verbally abusive. Have to avoid as much contact as possible. If I can find another job, I'm gone. She's a classic narcissist.
@@gusgrizzel8397 she has to keep looking in the mirror so she can convince herself she is not ugly as she knows she is on the inside and that hopefully no one see’s the witch within 😂
Best advice I’ve ever heard on this subject 🔥. Joined the workforce in late 80’s and dealt with narcissists in the work force more every year. Changing jobs doesn’t guarantee you’ll get away from them, and even so, one could get hired on after you and ruin everything. Sometimes I think management deliberately promotes these kinds of people, bc once you know how to handle them, they can make HR’s job a lot easier. Had to leave the corporate world and start my own business bc my career path has become saturated with narcissists. Wish I had known this back in the day!
This is incredibly helpful for my present situation, I can't thank you enough. This information could save me from having to live on the streets in the Canadian winter. Again, thank you so much.
It's exhausting to keep giving a narcissist what they need to not flare up. I'd rather stay completely away. But if I have to be around it, these are great tips.
I think these exercises are for people who are in situations with narcissists where they can't run yet, but need to keep the peace for a certain amount of time in order to live.
The planning stage, I agree
Like the workplace
Yea, and like a family member… unfortunately
Yep. Agreed. Then leave ASAP!!!!
agreed
In my experience the best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid all contact. Your quality of life will improve 100%.
Out there in the real world, you cannot avoid having contact with narcissists because they are EVERYWHERE. Some of us really don't have any choice about the matter, we HAVE to deal with them. The "oh just go no contact" argument is just a fantasy and not possible for many people.
@@ajw7971 People throw the word Narcissist around too much. I think that there are people who are called Narcissists that are not really narcissists.
Sometimes people are covert narcissists and you can't remove them from your life easily or maybe even at all because they're a part of your family, or you work together. I'm sure there are other similar situations too. In those cases where removing them isn't easy/realistic, I'd think Grey Rocking would be the best tactic for coping. That's just my personal opinion though, as a person who was in therapy for a decade, and not a therapist in any way.
@@saynotohookups You're right; narcissism is a spectrum, and we all fall on it somewhere. Some people may be higher on that spectrum than others, and still not be classified as having NPD. Many people will look at things in a very black and white way, which isn't typically helpful to the conversation unfortunately.
And if you seem drawn to Narcissists, if you’re a human, that probably means you’re boring as hell
My dad did all this with my narcissist mom for years, telling her she was always right, apologizing when she attacked him & flattering her all the time (especially as he was getting older and had lost all stamina to fight her). What he gained was a major depression, alcoholism and cancer, trying to keep it all inside for so long.
So very sad.
@Yasaman Shaltiel he would have thought that things will change someday....his positive thinking didn't work
Sounds like how my mom was
So sad. I am sorry. Best to just get away if at all possible. Not healthy for one's mental health.
My dad di that too. Now he's 59, and takes the role of narcissistic enabler on top of developing severe traits of NPD too (they've been together for almost 40 years). He hides his sadness by distracting himself on social media and stuff. Never spend time just thinking.
Stay strong, you're not alone in this at least. Wish you all the best in your journey & healing ❤
“SOMETIMES IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS YOU JUST NEED TO SURVIVE” 😭😭😭 someone finally gets it❤️ some of us have no way out😔
so sorry Jessica 😔
Exactly
For reaaal
:(
You're not wrong, TY for that most necessary comment. 🧡
The weird thing about living with a narcissist is the feeling that you might be the one who's toxic.
transfer of energies, mixed with gaslighting and or trauma bond .
I totally agree, it was always my fault, anything that was wrong in his life was my fault. Even when he assaulted another woman that he married and got us both pregnant at the same time... I pushed him to it by provoking him by the tone of my voice and hes still in jail because I haven't called his probation officer enough... but he can't seem to let me go... but I make him miserable... but he can't seem to stop physically abusing me or any other woman in his life. He stalked my house and my moms house, kicked my moms front door in.. I know it's over but he is still in jail blaming me and saying that he will never leave me alone. I literally had to call the police and get a restraining order and he still has contacted me
@@georgiathomas8045 do a banishment spell & a shut up 🤫 spell on his stupid ass. Or get a witch doctor to curse him. Don’t tolerate abuse.
Wow, and I thought I had it bad with my narcissistic ex. But that's right. He calls me a narcissist on a daily basis 🤣😂
@@georgiathomas8045 please make sure you get emotional support and help to get past this.
I lived with one for 9 years and actually subconsciously did all this to keep the peace. IT IS EXHAUSTING and will drain your lifeforce. Not recommended for longer than extremely short term interaction....
@Eric McDonald
Oh I agree! I had 20 yrs in but was only surviving to help my children & I honestly did NOT know my rights. I knew getting out would be dangerous due to constant threats & it took 4 years in Court to get full custody of my kids & a fair divorce!
Wish I had left long before I did
Totally agree
Definitely
I've also been using some of these tactics just to try to keep the peace. It's been 20 years and I'm truly exhausted but at least being consciously aware of what I've been doing and learning a few more ways I can smooth things over is incredibly helpful. I'm planning an exit strategy now but it's going to take some time so I agree, these are great for short term interaction but if you extend it beyond a few months or maybe a year it will drain you considerably.
What is lifeforce?
You're fighting a losing battle no matter what you do with them.....just run at all cost
Exactly! I lived with a narcissist for 3 years and lying and praising doesn't work at all. My narcissist boss was the same, he would pick up on fake compliments easily. They are master manipulators, you have to be a bigger narcissist to play this sick twisted game. This is just going to further complicate things and make you feel trapped and less of yourself. How long can a true person carry on a charade? It is draining for me.
Exactly!!!!……this is exhausting…..
Sometimes your option, it is NOT possible. Especially if a young adult who is still dependent on parent; a spouse financially dependent and/or with child; so on.
Life has many many facets not just from our own experiences.
So it’s always helpful and supporting to others, when we allow room to know that there are possibilities that are not available to others.
basically yes. Some techniques may work, but only for some time. You will need all of your self control to get along and avoid conflict and you may succeed for a couple of months, but all the frustration that builds up inside you from this constant effort will make you seriously blow up sooner or later. You're either going to get depressed or explode after a couple of months.
@@deepalall647 So far, 1 yrs., 3 months.
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Yes. True. It takes a long time to come out of it. Its insidious! But a bit of it will stay with you. These narcissist are a virus.
Probably happened to dear Adolf about 1919.
@@jeffersonkee6440 Indeed. I wonder if 'abstract' knows that Nietzsche is the godfather of nazism..
Correct!
That's true
Use tactics for survival only...then go to a priest and get cleansed of all the toxicity
RUN! trying to be on a narcissists good side is so draining and demeaning
Gigi Gerst,your lovely smile can make the news
Absolutely!
Right? You don't even get anything by being on their good side. Just cut them out all the way!
It's like wearing a kick me sign on your forehead
@@Annedowntherabbithole fuck I member them days fuck that one day had enough and told myself let’s see how strong my resilience actually is
When dealing with a narcissist, record every thing that they say. Trust me, you'll need the proof later on.
Yes. Yes yes. It may feel like breaking a boundary. But your gaslit self will appreciate that you recorded. Your potential lawsuits will appreciate that you recorded. Just record on your phone when interacting. Email it to yourself with a super short description of the convo. And don't listen unless you need to.
I wish I knew this tactic.
Very true!
Listen to it when you weaken your resolve, when you begin to doubt yourself about your newfound understanding of what's happening in the relationship. Just replay one or two of those conversations-- and INSTANT RESOLVE! One review and SHAZAM you're back in the insanity-- fantastic device to prevent backsliding
Totally doing this now!! Guess I've been doing it, found several recording a few years old. Cant believe I put up with this crap so long!!
There is no "Peace" WITH a narcissist. However there is a "PEACE" WITHOUT a narcissist. You do not negotiate with the devil !!!
I'm happier without my sister or brother in my life. When I spend time with them I am miserable. They are true narcissist's.
I see we all come to the same conclusion in the end.
@@sadiestoltzfus9798 Same here with my brother. I’ll bet those pricks call you “disloyal” and crap like that just to convince themselves they’re not abusive
@@CursedWheelieBin I'm the youngest of four children. My oldest brother is now seventy and I'm 54. Our mother is 92. He expects me to be the one to do things he could and should be doing like say going with her to the Dr. etc. My mother is not the typical helpless little old lady. She drives, takes care of her own bills,. And takes care of her own house. She also can be a pain in the ass bitching all the time about politics etc. She has no serious health issues. Anyhow my brother states I am jealous of him. States I take advantage of my mother.On and on. He also tries to boss me around. And I haven't spoken to him since 2013. He does this by telling my mom "get Sadie to do this". Get her to do that. And I don't which pisses him off more. I could go on but I could write a damn novel. Take care and Merry Christmas.
The list is a very helpful survival kit for children stuck with narcissistic parent(s). It's painfully ironic that many here are unable to think beyond their own situation..
Anyone who's lived long enough with a true narcissist will never go through it again. You learn quickly what behavior to look for in a person and push them away instantly.
❤❤🎉🎉🎉🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽💣
Amen!
That’s a very nice way of looking at it but it doesn’t apply for me. Narcissistic abuse can happen for years before the victim even realizes what they are dealing with. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. For me, I keep finding myself in relationships with narcissists. I attract them. They are sneaky and play games with your head and your heart. I might see things , hear my intuition, but then for one reason or another I’m convinced that I’m off base. It’s the nature of the abuse to keep me confused and in the dark.
@@evalisabowers8898 you need to understand the behavior and also how your behavior enables them and how they manipulate you. You need to study their behavior so you recognize it in others. It doesn't apply to you only if you are incapable of learning.
@@jellybean6778 I don’t know if you meant that to come across this way or not.. but of course I am capable of learning. You had me listening until you insulted my intelligence. I have been educating myself about narcissism. And the reality is that I a lot of disorders and extenuating circumstances can look like narcissism to the untrained eye. We can’t just go around diagnosing people. But what I was basically expressing was how I keep attracting narcissists like a moth to a flame. I can only guess why that is happening. I need a professional to actually diagnose me instead of some random internet person who seems to want to tell me that I am incapable of learning… also you sound like you’re victim shaming. There’s just so much wrong here
"Best revenge for a narcassist is cut the contact, when you start to heal, and when you succeed. Move on and be great."
True💖
Your right thank you ❤️
@@Sionapink48 your welcome
get away
this is impossible if you work with them.
My first red flag incident with a recent narcissist was me having boundaries. They took boundaries in a negative way because they don't like when people have them.
Yep cause they want to and will cross them (boundaries) every chance they get when you let them.
@Miwa I was going to comment that the same just happened with me and a newish friend.
She was a time manipulator, which i am very familiar with from previous run ins with Narcissists and sociopaths.
For just one example, Every lunch date gets moved, her needs for get-togethers became erratic and if we had plans to spend time, based on my idea, she would come then only stay for a few moments... this was after only being friends for a few months. So, I told her that I needed to make plans that stick and keep a schedule that allows me to share a car with my son. I did this to test her after picking up on the red flags.
Sure enough, the very next lunch we had planned (to celebrate a work victory on my part.) She called the day before wanting to "pivot" to just an hour before, she said her work was just too important to be there on the time planned and completely lost it when I firmly said I could keep the origional plan but, especially because I didn't have access to transportation at the time.
She tried to text debate and get super petty about me not caring enough about HER Needs, and when told her to stop and we could discuss it in the future, she just got hyperbolic. So I broke it off as friends and 'canceled' the work we were collaborating on.
It is very interesting to watch an otherwise intelligent person with a lot going for them, turn into a complete toddler over something so simple as setting one boundry like keeping plans.
@@lizbunya I agree.
@Miwa I won't go into great detail but I set a boundary, they didn't like that so they tried to intimidate me by giving me the death stare and then I decided to not associate with them anymore and they tried to pull several unsuccessful manipulative tactics.
@Miwa If you can't tell that that is a right choice, that's concerning.
I love how he brings up the fact that sometimes you can't avoid the narcissist because they are your boss or your co-workers. In today's age, you will often encounter narcissistic people in every social setting, so going no contact is not the solution.
Bo contact is just one of the manny tool you can use, its not a universal tool that works in every situation. Sometimes it just comes in handy.
True, but how do we live life surrounded by these soul sucking parasites?? Any suggestions, please share. Because I’m facing the same problem, if I go no contact with everyone, I’ll basically be living under a rock. Guys any suggestions, with least damage to self are appreciated.
Ouch. That's hurts
@@msredcurtains ouch. I am not like that.
@@msredcurtains look at how u point the finger. Do u feel that u are better ? I bet you got some things that are really ugly too. But u hide it by talking ugly about people u have no idea how they got this disorder. God loves me. Maybe u should Ask God to help u understand so u don't be part of the abuse I went thru
My motto is this... when I want to treat the narcissist the way they treat me, don't. This stuff is so draining. I'm done. In the middle of the reverse discard.
As the guy in the video said, this is for people who are in the midst of the narccisisst grasp who aren't able to get away yet.
They want your energy. They can get the gift of my silence.
honestly i said that and then foolishly resorted to it out of desperation when my silence (me holding in everything i want to say)made him rage and berate me. i started repeating things he’d say casually to invalidate me now and then. it only gave him ammo to fire at me and helped me lose myself in him. i mumbled one day “you dont care about me” and he started insulting me and behaved as he claimed he would if he really didnt care and said he’d kick me out and not care if i was homeless. he wanted to punish me for insinuating that he didnt care about me. what the fuck. in the case of a long term romantic relationship, i strongly agree w your motto. if theres any choice at all you have to run. im still trying to stop caring about him.
The best way to keep peace with a narcissist is avoid interaction as much as possible. Most importantly, this preserves one's inner peace by eliminating an unwelcome stressor.
It’s always good to Avoid Trouble when possible. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!”
But then they get mad cause u aren’t glorifying them
Dr Grande videos are always filled with unoriginal comments that all say the same thing but have little depth.
I have used these tactics with several narcissists. They don't change anything long term, however, it can help you get through a tough work day.
In a sense, the real problem for you starts if you work in an environment which rewards narcissistic behavior. You can be seduced by material and status gains into giving your own self-centeredness more time at the wheel than is healthy. :/
I think the number 11 technique would be to very quietly plan your escape. You could have a perfect way of dealing with this problem. When the rubber hits the road, you have to hit the road along with the rubber...
WynnKidsNanny LoriVance Or your life!!!
The hardest part for me is push for 'medium' level of flattery. If I flatter too hard, I get name requested to work exclusively as the lead hand on the narcissist's jobs. If I say what's on my mind or point out mistakes, the narcissist would tell my superintendent I suck and can't follow orders. I try to be likable enough to avoid abuse but a few times while playing the 'yes man' its pretty easy go too far. My skills and training is in construction, not theater. I shouldn't have to take acting classes to be able to survive my work environment.
I do it every day
I feel like this video should be titled “How to Keep Being a Good Supply”
It’s everything I’ve been doing for years, without even realizing it, while I slowly lose my sense of self and my sanity.
That said, I appreciate the content for demonstrating this to me.
you’re doing it wrong, if you gaslight them enough you can benefit from the situation. keep your empathy for them the same as they empathize for you - zero. 😇
I think it's just for emergencies or when you really are not in a position to avoid them. Short term fix, and then get out.
It's a good thing that you didn't realize it. Sometime it is better to be oblivious and ingnore the facts than suffer and be aware. Narcs are much happier when they have unsuspecting victim in their hands, they are not happy if you are rebelious and trying to have your opinion. I think now that you realized what your relationship is about, I would advice to plan your exit strategy but never reveal that to your spouse. Just be ready and one day leave without a word so you can escape safely. Best wishes and don't blame yourself. Many have been through it and many will be. @Morgan Jones
Wow
Yea...
In my opinion, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to take from them your attention. Conflict can not exist without our participation.
great point
Yes! A key part of Grey Rocking isn't just shutting off our external reactions to them, it is redirecting our attention to what is healthiest for us, and letting them go without their permission, approval, or discussion.
Thats very true. I live with an narcissist and over time ive seen how much they are affected when I dont pay attention to them and how in a subtle way I completely dissociate and not care at all about anything they do since everything they do is calculated.
Yes! When our own ego needs certain outcomes or reactions or behaviors from others we cannot be free
I lived with a brother who was a narcissist who was enabled by our mother. I learned that it was best to ignore him. But even that lead to negative outcomes for me because he began to focus more in me. He would find ways to spy on me and lie about me and try to get me in trouble. He became obsessed with me. Physically tried to overpower me in subtle sexual ways. I eventually had to plan to move out of the house right after graduation from high school to avoid all this. Which meant that I had to go to work immediately and missed out on a couple free rent college years that my father was trying to talk me into. Eventually had to confess that I had to move out because of my brother and since he had power over them and would never kick him out I had to leave. I could never tell my father all the awful things he was doing to me because he would probably kill my brother and my brother might eventually kill him.
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”
- Karla Grimes
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯💯💯💯💯💯☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
@@taniamachin766 God bless you Hope lifes treating you extremely kindly now 👍🍀🙏
@@evelina787 thank you and yes, god is sending me good messages for what comes next for me
Usually after one of the two dies. One of my sisters passed away. Her Ex-husband, a minister is a narcissist, convinced the congregation she had mental issues (she did because of him!!) and a horrible wife. He literally stalked her after their divorce. She checked herself into a mental well-being facility and he couldn't access. While there she met someone who was dying, they married. She took care of her wonderful MIL. Later my sister passed. My mom happened to tell me what happened. Sad 😔
They are very sneakie creatures
This is amazing. It tells us just how in love with themselves the narcissist really is. It’s no wonder they hate us when we are not treating them like kings or queens 24/7.
Yeah, they dislike themselves quite a bit.
I think they hate themselves a lot they need a personal cheerleader/brainwashed slave 24/7
The best comment
I totally disagree I think it's shame and guilt and self-hate that drives them.
"Play silly games, win silly prizes."
Advice from teachers at my school, late-1980s, England.
A prize is better than a rock.
Hilarious
Love it!!
@@heatherwhatever7714 Playing good games with other people and winning good prizes is better than winning silly prizes though.
I like this philosophy it's fast and truthful and cute
Best advice: Run!!!
Can run but you can't hide when you have children/child together
You can't run when they are your family
Y’all my aunt was married to a narcissists and now she 6 feet under ground. If you get the right people involved then yes you can run. RUNRUNRUN!!! Her last words with her eyes closed was “GIVE ME MY Medicine “😢😭😢😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺. In other words he was not giving her the medications. He kept it and she slowly died. RUN 🏃♀️
I'm a fucking Animal. It's only by God's Grace that I'm now a better person.
Back away slowly.....don’t run.
“ask about their fantasy and don’t be mortified”
LMFAO I love this man 😂
I know hes being serious but I cant stop laughing.
It’s true though
When I heard that all the images of situations when I was mortified by the narcist tales went through my mind. Never showed I was mortified🤣🤣🤣
My best friend's husband is a creepy narcissist.. he once told her he prayed to God that she would be paralyzed in a car accident so she would have to let him take care of her. She now has lung cancer, stage 4.
@@snu3877 is he by her side enjoying being powerful and her dependent on him or did he flee scared of that much responsibility and getting bored of taking care of her?
IMO, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to be emotionally healthy and self reliant. Once they realise you have healthy self esteem and are not very susceptible to manipulation, they will quickly move on to an easier target.
Of course, there might be situations when you're in a narcissist's way (e.g. at work) and then you need to be very careful to protect yourself.
Yes. Manipulation should only be done to survive whilst extricating yourself from the situation at the earliest available opportunity. After that the goal should be strengthening your own worth and boundaries and never significantly engaging in the first place.
@@goldilocks3593 my thoughts exactly. This sounds like enabling them. This would work to keep peace until u leave.
This is well and clearly said.
I totally agree with this,on point.
SO TRUE!!!
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
omg everything you said is so true, especially the "They are like toddlers testing your love for them."
It's more than a year for me. I am still not fully recovered from the damage. I keep replaying what happened because I didn't have any closure, and I am still recognizing more and more lies I wasn't able to look through back then. She loved to make me jealous, talked about the plentitude of previous partners. I unfortunately missed the biggest warning sign and that was how horribly she talked abour her ex-partners. All of them were psychopats or incompetent. She only ever admired the one who was a pilot and actually was the only one who broke up with her. Before me.
Dang I've been there it's insanity
They hook you with sex and after a while it's not worth the insanity
👏 bravo. Any story of escaping an abusive narcissist deserves an ovation. Mine destroyed decades of my life. Almost 50, and I'm just feeling normal again
Metaspyhubv scammed me out of $150
When I disengage from a narcissist manipulating and controlling the conversation, I like to point randomly and shout “ Look! A squirrel!” Then I walk away. Positivity to all.❤️🇨🇦
Jason Berezny Very funny 😂
Thank you---I will be using that💯
Ha ha ha good one, this made me smile.
😂😂😂😂
Lol😂😅😆
I've done all these, but only as a child with a sociopathic father. When you're trying not to be killed or injured, these are good tactics. As an adult, it's complete no contact with abusers. At work, its complete gray rock and much documentation. Good luck, all. It's a jungle out there!
Robin Donnelly my challenge is in the work place . Do narcissist see other narcissist ?
@@gigigirl2229 As Dr. Grande said in the video, narcissists do see, and respect (or less contemn, are "less disgusted by") other narcissists, as peers in elitehood.
Best plan.
How about a grey boulder dropped on their head from a freeway overpass?
@@JudgeJulieLit, narcissist will battle with each other a lot too. I've seen a bunch of times where they try to work together on something/someone only too start going head on with each other. They are very toxic people and will go back and forth with each other for power and/or control.(Well power and/or control in their delusional little worlds though.)
They really get under your skin, and have the gift of bringing out the worst in people.
Yep ... push people to their limits.
Agreed
So true
@@Nina-vv3ev very true
@@magpiegirl3783 I'm really struggling with this fam. What do you do to not get pushed beyond your limits? I get impulsive and talk back which enrages them, when they are the ones that get under my skin and push me off my limits. and these people are my both of my parents.
I agree. Manipulation is not the way to go. You have to study their behavior, be aware and then make plans to remove yourself from them. Work on yourself instead. Try to understand why you became the narcissist target in the first place. That is what I did. I am narcissist FREE! Good luck!
What helped you most in realizing why you were a target? I know mainly why I was a target, and broke free entirely and am FREE but also curious of your perspective and experience. Tysm ❤️🫶🏻
The Dr. is talking about if you have to be in contact with them, i.e. the father of your children, your boss, etc.
My narcissist ex was usually pleased with me asking his "permission" for everything. I left him 2 months ago & haven't been this happy in years!
So you even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom? Permission to speak?
I started asking the narc I have to deal with, “ can I get this?” When we go grocery shopping. And I do it loud enough for other people to hear me. And I purposely keep a distance between us out in public. A LOT of people have “noticed it”. I will walk a wide birth around him when he is paying, or I will purposely step away from him if he moves closer to me out in public. It makes people “Watch” him. He does get a little ticked off but I give no reaction. Just stay silent or play dumb as a brick or oblivious to what he is talking about, as if I didn’t see what happened...but I did. A little bit dangerous on my part, but it’s my way of letting him know that he is being “watched” and others WILL step in if he gets ugly. He has burned A LOT of bridges with good people that helped him in the past. After they found out the things he had done to me over the years they basically cut ties with him because they were disgusted with his behavior. Now MANY people that KNOW us, know that he is out of control.
@@saynotohookups Permission to use the bathroom, yes. I didn't "have to" per say but it sure did make the living situation easier to just play along sadly. The mean and evil mind games would start if I lived life like a normal person as I do now!
@@alisinmansion4588 When did you decide that enough was enough?
@@saynotohookups after 2 years of abuse
Interestingly this was how I coped with my ex girlfriend for seven years. She kicked me out two months ago and is now with my Boss. Its hard to be mad when your so happy to be free.
blond knight Don’t go back!
Ignorance is bliss huh?
Congratulations. Getting the narcissist to focus their toxic attention on someone else is a great way to get rid of them.
do you dislike your boss? well, he's getting what's coming to him apparently...
blond knight CONGRATULATIONS and God BLESS YOU: you WILL make it!!! 😇🤗🙇🙏📖👏👏👏
videos like this helped me go no contact with my covert mother. i spent my whole life thinking i was overreacting. now that i know the truth, i left the relationship. These videos and the information changed my life. I stopped self destructing and now love myself. THANK YOU
Babette Badges so much harder! Lol I’m finally free!
Kristin Torres me too
For those people who have no choice but to interact with the narcissist this advice is very important. Disarming them constantly is the best advice because they are honey badgers if you ever try to take them on.
It’s exhausting to do this to a man that treats me like garbage - I’d rather not deal with him at all
Yep
exactly. just break up then. 100p%
Don’t then. Save yourself because your mental health is most important!
You must rise in consciousness to do these things and it’s in your nature to be kind and real to everyone-Including the mentally ill.
Avoiding is best. But this is about how to control them, in case you have a boss, co-worker, client or are related to one, and avoiding them is not possible.
Agreed
so basically what you would do for a 3 year old having a temper tantrum
Stop feeding him/her with sugar and pops for a starter...
😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Yes.
Did you not know all kids are narcissist! :)
I refer to it as “managing” the narcissist.
Yesss!! Great expression, thanks for that!
.45 glock 30
@@lisacurtis8162 mag dump
@@jamespollock11 yeah make prison worth it.
yeah...that should have been the title.
This doctor is spot on!! You have to go along with them, but you have to be completely convincing because they suffer paranoia as well. They can sense if someone is not genuine.
A word of the wise...be very careful about your choice of words with these people.
ACOANM RU4REAL Yes!
They'll hang on every single word
@@xino_z I know one exactly like that.
But why do we have to treat them like kings goddammit, they are just entitled spoiled brats
@Karen Soo they also make up stuff you never said and then spread it
Some month ago I started watching your videos and I am stunned by the amount of work u put into this channel over five whole years. Hence I want to thank you for all the informing content you produce. Keep it up!
Well play 🤔
Heh heh
@Tee Twetherlow love that comment. He's sexy too
Even at work, go no contact. It's not worth your mental health. Be kind but create space between you and them. Very important
True
💯
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
1. 3:00 Don't be stunned in a negative way
2. 3:40 Avoid criticizing
3. 4:14 Complement
4. 8:15 Double check others' advice w/the narcissist
5. 9:00 Be mad on behalf of the narcissist
6. 9:48 Ask for their advice and be amazed
7. 10:31 Offer to help
8. 11:20 Ask them about their dreams
9. 12:38 Empathize with their feelings
10. 15:06 Don't put yourself down
Thanks for the bullet points 😃😃
Be their fan
So off.
Linda-Ruth Cardozo thanks a lot
Thank you. It's a life skill that i need.
This is exactly how my narc mother insisted that I treat her. EXACTLY. No contact was the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself and my kids.
My mother in law checks every box. I try to interact as little as possible with her but when I do I am sure to never question her or disagree with her. I used to attempt to insist on reality but it would just result in her blowing up on me and saying horrible things. I have decided it isn’t worth it.
Good for you! II did the same, no contact with
my mother, after a whole life of stroking her ego, I'm 58 now and went no contact this year, finally ❤.
I have a highly narcissistic sister and our relationship has slightly improved since we don’t see each other every day anymore. Gaining some distance is probably the best treatment.
Same as my grandious narc.elder sister....made my younger life hell...but well hidden ..destroyed my famili any means of good fortune..jobs I lost coz she needed some one to use an abuse.....whn I became surplus to her requirements.(she found a man) I was homeless turned addict to any source of comfort......She just continued pretended she didn't no anything about me...they clearly believe they are not responsible ....as she could not see what was happening.......truly f******. evil..never underestimate the rr ability to just not care for any one else but them selves.....
My Brother and Step Daughter are Narcissists..... I try to stay away and or don't talk to them as much as possible.
omg you’re literally me, as much as i love her and how close we are, day by day is getting wearying to me and now i’m miles away i feel in so much peace.
@@pwhales264 that’s pathetic lol imagine not having a relationship with your stepdaughter bc she’s a narcissist.. shows how tough you really are
@@urmumsgay9065 , No it shows just how ignorant You really are... I dont care who you are Step children, Brother or niece ...if I hold out my arms with love and care and you turn your back on me.... I'm not kissing nobody's @ss...
“Sometimes you manipulate the narcissist to survive”. You observe their techniques, and appealing to their egos is key to your success until you can get the HELL away and go no contact. There are those that exhibit traits, then there are those that are full out narcs that slide in and out of psychopath tendencies. It’s all a game of one-upmanship and control with them. They will have you doubting everything you perceive, including your self-worth.
In an unavoidable relationship with a narcissist in my life I need tools not to manipulate, but to avoid giving my power away. It’s sad that one has to consider power dynamics but I’m tired of feeling manipulated myself.
Kids together…. 🤔 Do what’s best For You/ put your self first ( and 80% first ever before the kids) and that will be best for the kids too.
Some People do everything for there children 👧 and neglect them self. That’s terrible for the children 👦.
A parent Depression anxiety Panic attacks no motivation = 👧👦sad
On the other hand 🖐 a fit healthy productive parent = 👦👧 happy
@@jr5389 I couldn't do this because my ex covertly threatened the children's lives and made it clear what he was capable of, but he was so deceptive it wasn't something I could prove. He would deny it hotly. He sounded so sincere and reasonable. I had to wait until they were much older and even then it was very dangerous and harmed them, but by then it was do or die. The legal system favours these evildoers. It was very scary getting out and it has had horrible repercussions, including financially, but also brought some peace, although I am still in trauma. My children have been further traumatized by the permissions to further harm them he was legally provided.
Trying to 'help' a narcissist uncover their veil is equivalent to scolding a cat for pissing on the carpet - they're just not gonna get it and if they do they don't care.
Percy Blakeney great analogy-so appropriate 😂when a cat pees-its a territory thing or they’re frightened and scared so they mark their territory. And if you punish and or reprimand them they feel even more angry and threatened so they piss even more. But if you don’t make a big deal out of it, and are kind while soothing them, and clean the area with a solution of vinegar, a lil hydrogen peroxide, distilled water and baking soda-then place a small dish of food on the spot-they get the message that they’re safe and this is not where they pee-this is a safe place😂
Love your name!!!
I have had cats and CNs for years so I can truly appreciate ur comment 👏🏻
Cat will just look at you like are you crazy?
@@Herr.P ...just like my mother.
I have found the pain inflicted too intense to imagine praising at this point.
I am in the same boat. I cannot even IMAGINE enabling his abuse.
Tara 907 why are you still married to this man? Kids? Sorry to ask a personal question, I’m just curious as to your reasoning.
I love this checklist of problem-solving these relationships. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship and asked my therapist for a year if I was a narcissist because I managed by using manipulation as a coping mechanism. Didn't realize it was ok.
It's all very confusing. I'm still sorting out being "triggered" and "hypervigilance". 🤦 Or just being aware of your surroundings, vs hypervigilance. 🤔
I can't bring myself to tell a narcissist that they're great.
I feel you there 🥰Sendin you love
Key phrase "hmm -- well that's an opinion you can have." Check out dr Les Carter and dr Ramani if you haven't already. I have a feeling you're familiar though ;)
@@markpfeffer7487 I like that a lot! - I wouldn't want to feed their ego.
Well if it's a game of manipulation and you need something from them, then this advice is mostly a way to turn their game around & flip it back on them. There have been narcissists in my life that I've placated either bc I was in danger or I knew stroking their ego would be enough to get them to ease up on their controlling behavior to allow me to do (or have) something. Or as a way of building up a narc's trust, so that you could later dismantle their ego. I actually did this unintentionally, I broke a narc after he became co-dependant on my ego-feeding. One day I got so fed up with his BS that I told him exactly what I really thought about him (between slaps to my face) and why his wife left him & none of his kids wanna see him. I blurted it all out while he kept throwing his fist until he finally walked away and my brother came down yelling "What did you do? He's crying!" I did not feel remorse, especially bc my mother stood there doing nothing while he was hitting me. Instead of criticizing him for the abuse, she looked at me and said that _I_ had gone too far!!! I couldn't believe it. That's why I hardly ever talk to my family and live alone as a hermit. People suck. Anyway if you're gonna compliment a narc, those would be the 3 reasons:
1. To placate a dangerous/threatening individual
2. To alleviate some of the control forced on you
3. As part of a long game of building up their confidence & then breaking them
@@YourMajesty143 Wow, I'm glad you were able to get yourself out of that! Thank you for sharing your story! Putting it into perspective like this, the video makes sense. I hope you've found a way to open up your heart again, and steer clear of these types of people. peace.
Keep in mind, that peace isn't always worth having. Especially if as a result you're not at peace with yourself.
It's more of a detente.
Isn't it so!
True. But if it's a safety thing, these are okay ideas. But still just for as short term as possible. It's soul crushing to say the least to pretend you're someone you're not.
I agree!
I’m just going to do this until I have enough money to leave. It would not be a way to live long term.
I come from a family full of narcissists. It made me feel insane & really messed me up. I never even knew what a narcissist was until recently. Wish i woulda known way earlier.
Same here. I suspected they may have it but downplayed it as them as just having large egos & for cultural reasons. When I learned about narcissistic rage, hoovering, and narcissistic discard I was shocked at how their are terms that match to the T how they behave.
Cut contact. Much less stress, grief, and loss. They won't care anyway.
Me too. Both of my parents were narcissists and my only sibling turned out to be one as well. Needless to say growing up in that house was absolute hell. I was the one everyone blamed for everything and took out their anger and rage on, was never good enough, basically the family punching bag
Same here. People think of narcissists are all grandiose, but the vulnerable and covert narcs can be quite destructive if you have a parent like that.
Same here
I love this. New insight into narcissists. Was married to one. Still recovering
Same. Hugs
Me too. Good luck with recovery.
I’m still married, I want out but hel take the house I bought before we got married. He won’t work or do anything, his true colors are coming out. I’m stuck and trauma bonded with CPTSD . AHhhhhhh
good luck . the hardest is to leave
My son was married to one. Hopelessly in love. But whatever he did was never enough. He was never good enough. She separated him from his side of the family. She gaslighted him, she lied to him, she cheated on him. All of it was his fault. He finally shot himself.
I feel that manipulation as a way of dealing with a narcissist is repulsive and actually makes them worse. I personally will avoid them, having been abused for years by one, I learned the best relationship with one, is a zero relationship with them.
Perhaps a parent, without the option of abandoning a disordered child, could get some peace and protect their own mental health using the techniques. If it's your co-worker or neighbour etc, wouldn't this be enabling and set them up, along with the people around them, for a bigger narsistisic crash and fall out at some point later on?
@T K
💯.........!!!
Try having your dog that you bought named and trained stolen from you, and your only option to get him back is manipulation, you wouldn't say absolutely anything so you could to get your son/daughter/dog back?
@@testdrivenutrition3951 i think that she is talking about a general rule of thumb.
@TK someone with a vulnerable adult child and divorced narcissistic spouse who has guardianship, one has to figure ways to deal.
I keep this sign on my wall: "THE LESS YOU RESPOND TO DESTRUCTIVE PEOPLE, THE MORE PEACE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE". There's a term called "going gray rock" with a narcissist. In other words, IF you have to be around one-job, had children with one- you MUST act as boring, dull and emotionally muted as you possibly can. You blend into the background; if you have to answer you give one word answers. If a narc thinks you're boring or mentally dull-GOOD. Really, you shouldn't have one in your life unless you unfortunately had kids with one. They are worth quitting a job over if you have to, they are worth completely ignoring if you are related to one. They will do nothing but hurt you-no matter how smart and stable you are, they have a weapon you do not-they have NO conscience or empathy so they will stop at NOTHING to entangle you in their web and suck you dry. If you are literally TRAPPED with one and are trying to avoid narcissistic rage, then you can do the things this guy suggests until you can escape. But really? If you keep behaving the way he suggests, it WILL affect YOUR mind and you will start developing Stockholm Syndrome. You, a person with empathy and a conscience, will start identifying with the narcissist and even start feeling SORRY for him/her! Look at all these comments of people who stay with their narcissist. They talk about how miserable, draining and heart-breaking it is, but they STAY. Because they are trapped by their own MISPLACED compassion. A narc knows how to tap into that You can't win with a narc-your only way to live well is GET RID OF THEM FOREVER.
So true
Not all narcissists are family members. Some are bosses at work.
It means a lot to me now, it made me feel powerfull! thank you so much, now im sure that i dont need him in my life. its draining me, and im very empathetic person, so i really start to think how you wrote: "i started to feel sorry about him, and im trying to help him bf breaking up." but its breaking me, and he has more power everyday. i will break up with him even today!!!! i will keep you updated ( thanks God i realised it quite soon, im with him for "only" 4monts!!)
I agree with you 100% on being boring and one word answers. I learned that in my four years of Military Service. That is one job that you can't quit! 😂
Misplaced compassion indeed
Nice one
Greetings from Nigeria
I find the easiest way to compliment a narcissist sincerely is to wait for them to do something good and then comment on it. It’ll encourage better behavior too.
You’ll find their reasoning is at least MOSTLY selfish no matter what they do, so I think encouraging them to manifest their narcissism in a pro-social manner is the healthiest approach. Especially if you ever witness one of the rare times they’re forced to apologize or tell the truth.
“That was real big of you to come clean like that, man.”
You are so right ;-)
thanks
I don't find that this approach works at all, especially with covert narcissism.
@INERT well that's not what has happened so far so I'm gonna keep it up
@INERT you kinda put my strategy in a vacuum where it's the only strategy being used, which is obviously not going to be the case.
So I don't feel warned.
I laughed so hard when I listened to this. It works, everytime. But as dr Grande says - should only be used when no other options are available. No contact is to prefer. This is a truly sad topic, with people in pain, on both sides, but it felt good to laugh. Thanks for great talks!
I never thought of that. Why? Am I still convinced on an unconscious level that all of the narcissists are special?
Best point in this video never be self-deprecating around a narcissist.
oops
For me the best way to deal with a narcissist especially in a love relationship, is to detach, move and block their energy as they’ll hold onto to your energy until they find more else where and then drop you like you were meaningless, which you were to them. Energy vampires do not change.
@lee Edwards ty. Needed that.
Energy vampires. I'm gonna use that. :O
There's a great book "Celestine Prophecy" that describes the different ways certain personalities in relation to your energies insofar as whether they share energy, steal energy or give energy
100%
There is no love relations with narcissist. Only sex ,no love for you ,no love for the children. Personally i would leave . Emotional concentration can bring you to be like them. These games are just not worth it.
"Yeah. I'd never thought of it like that before." They fall for that one every time.
“We never would have figured this out without you.” Is another one.
It’s like dealing with a child.
@@REDACTED-1 like talking to a gaping void of nothingness, it’s utterly insane LMAO there is no core of rationality
The horrible thing is... narcissists really like to make you miserable no matter how happy you make them. They're going to backstab you in the end as hard as they can. And I think it gets worse the more you make them happy, actually. It does make them worse. And worse.
You are so right. Actually they seem to hate happiness.
From wondering what I'm understanding here is that you're disagreeing with the feeding of the ego to The narcissist in order to obtain a desired result or in order to potentially protect yourself from a tax and make your communication and "relationship" with them with less of a struggle. Dr Todd Grand I do not mean disrespect by disagreeing with your statement I see that you very much know the dangerous interactions that are being partaken when interacting with a narcissist especially some of the really really twisted ones they're generally sadist who just love to cause pain they'd rather have an argument for three days about nothing and be miserable at the cost of anything including anything that they benefit from just at the exciting arousal they appear to receive from making their unhappiness spread to others. I was with a pretty strong narcissist it felt like I was in prison he even went so far as to tell me after he had trauma bonded me on flying monkeys had done their damage to my trusted companions they were no longer safe if they tried to help me and no one could see what I was up against it appears. I definitely found that when he was feeding he was way worse yes it was my survival technique at times to avoid further troubles trials and tribulations to pretend I did not thirst for an escape route while I pretended to be smitten and under his control. When I did do these behaviors of compliance with him I found that yes I could avoid complications at times and if I fought against him with my strength and refusal to be deflated by his attacks that he would come at me repetitively until it would turn into a physical or mentally detrimental outcome for me. But the narcissists know how to pick their targets they like to pick someone who is empathetic understanding compassionate good natured easily compliant and manipulated to the extent where you literally become a puppet. I decided to eat lots of food and just lay still for long periods of time refusing to shower and attempting to be as minutely sexually alluring as possible. I'm not sure whether it was my strength and determination to not drown in his wake or whether it was the combination of my strength and my good nature I tried to teach him a little bits and let him know that I was very knowledgeable in regards to these personas. I educated myself as much as possible and told myself that my imprisonment to his needs was for a few reasons, in order to stomach it. I got the study the disorder the nature I got to try out different tactics and measure responses etc I told myself it was a learning experience. I also told myself that if it got bad enough that he was going to kill me thatt I would fight back despite what may come in the efforts to protect future women being destroyed. I find that feeding them literally makes them worse with him if he has a common acquaintance over and I somehow shame him after dealing with him dishing out non-stop attacks,. I tell him because commonly it's true the verbal attacks and hatred they spew upon you is really hatred that they feel within themselves and dislikes they have about their own nature that they reflect on you as they do not see themselves as flawed. When they are empty and self-conscious when they are alone when they are challenged they don't have the strength. If someone would be over and they would feed into him he would get strong and I wouldn't be able to handle it. But I definitely agree that if the narcissist is going to feed regardless the fight is not fair safe or really effective in any way. Those times if he's going to feed the bestest to give him praise and approval so he can rest they will go without sleep until they feed sometimes. They also like to stock social media friends family anything that matters to you is in jeopardy pretty much from the get when connecting with these individuals. Luckily and unfortunately he had picked other people to feed off of who came from harmed environments and hadn't healed so he fed on their unfortunate conditioning from upbringing that led them to want hardships and turmoil. For that reason I feel safer but I will never let my guard down.
I used to hear my mom on the phone in the living room gossiping about relatives and even me lots of times to whoever she was talking to on the phone, I used to feel very angry at what she’d say about me, and when I would walk into the kitchen to make a drink or snack, I’d make eye contact with her and she’d smile so sweetly and wink or something as if what she had said never happened and after I’d go back to my room she’d say more things and I would cry listening to her say embarrassing things, she’d even exaggerate to get a bigger reaction from whoever she was talking to.
Narcissistic ppl thrive on other ppls energy and reactions. They thrive on gossiping and talking bad about other ppl. There’s a verse in the Bible that says if you talk negatively or give someone a bad name behind their backs, that that’s a form of murdering that person. In Gods eyes she has murdered so many ppl.
@@Blk_Velvet i have a parental figure who feeds off my pain. i feel for you, the shit they say without any shame usually playing themselve up as the big hero or the alleged victim. The smirk is one of the worst parts that usually means they got the reaction they needed at your cost. yes document and record everything discretely.
@@Moonlit3Hibiscus Do we have the same parent?? Because it sounds like you’re talking about my mom haha!
Well there’s something we can take away from this. And that is “how NOT to be” as a person lol
Tip: change the subject as soon as possible and exaggerate positive news and emotions. Studying psychology and acting can help you in these regards as well as strengthening your emotional intelligence
This is honestly hilarious 😂 trying to play up to their delusions.
Weronika Krähe lol it works though
@@czystekurestwo i like the idea but you have to know exactly what you are doing, ill say staying out of their radar is much better than trying to manipulate their feelings towards you, because once they find out or just suspect you are onto something you will become target number one, and get ready for the monkey hordes after that.Never underestimate a narcisist especially if they can exercise some power over you, cause they will.
Just my two shekels: There is no such thing as emotional intelligence, therefore you cannot strengthen it.
Nm Jarek this flipped me to your UA-cam. Channel. I think you are knowledgeable and I like that. You are personable. Thx.❤️❤️❤️
Couldn´t agree more. This helped me to survive and get out without him noticing. Manipulating narcissist is fairly easy, because they don´t expect the tender lamb to be coldly calculating behind their back, so it is a great defense.
This is excellent for the workplace...I'm not so sure with my sister. I've gone no contact for 5 years and I'm at peace.
Im a survivor and i will never belittle myself again to that level. Being an empath this almost lost me my kid and mind, im so glad i held out got strong made my plans and acted on them.
Dont let them absorb your energy in exchange for hate for oneself.
Same here, the Doc basically says, go belittle yourself and give them what they think they are entitled to. I won't do that, no way.
👏👏👏👏 good...keep your head high
I keep hearing about these so-called empaths. But I am not convinced. Either it's just a glorified name for a kind of victim.Or it is a form of thinly covered grandiosity. What good are they for anyone? "I'm an empath" sounds like "I'm an especially good human being." Not even narcissists talk like that openly.
@ Luv Tap ty. I needed to hear that. Tyvm. 🤗
Emotional vampires!!!! What we do in the shadows
It's EXHAUSTING and you lose yourself!!!
Yes, it is basically self-denying.
this is what narcs also want, once you lose yourself, they can manipulate you into becomming what they want. A minion/servant for them or a bully towards the narcissist, which you should avoid, because they want to be the victim which you are at the start of their abuse. Its stupid, but remember, they were abused by their parents (usually) at early childhood and developed this lifestyle, so its their own fault for not letting go of the past. Best way for narc abuse victims to move on is to let go entirely of the past.
😱 omg Yesssss so true!!!!
My exact words!
Ah! Thanks! This talk shed light on why I was verbally attacked by a narc boss, after I expressed empathy w/ an issue she brought up, that gave her some distress. I wasn’t worthy in her eyes to express anything, she believed she was too far above me. She perceived my position as being a low status one, so, how dare I address her. Until now I didn’t get why she reacted w/intense anger to my “support”.
There is no reasoning with a narcissist. If you can get away, do it. These tips will temporarily help you until you can get out of the situation. Learn what narcissism is so you can recognize it. I was in denial for so long that I built a trap for myself. Thank-you Dr. Grande.
Because they will never change
Your advice is the exact opposite of what I've been learning. I've heard that you should shut down any kind of emotion and keep any conversation short and business-like. My narcissist is grandiose and yes, as someone commented here, it is extremely exhausting to have to constantly agree on how wonderful he is. It just made me resent him more and more and now I can't stand him. Our marriage is now just an existence with each other as roommates. I have a fun life and his only source of happiness now is gambling. With him, bad attention is better than no attention, and that's why I have to be completely "disconnected" and business-like while also trying to save our finances. I'm in therapy to help me get through each week!
What he said about hiding feelings of disgust might be relevant to your situation.
My narc is my son! I didn't see him for four years but he's just moved back home and is already trying to change things and run my life. He has no job, no friends and I have a need for the peace I had when he wasn't here. I also can't run away. It's an impossible situation for me and can only hope that things will improve but as he's 40 I can't see it happening. If there is a chance he might see this post, I will have to delete it
@@TheGreatPresenter Your 40-year old child is a middle-aged adult. Stop enabling him. He should be out on his own. There are agencies that can help him.
@@TheBeautifulShutin so annoying seeing people self diagnosing lmao you can’t make it fit to your situation
@@TheGreatPresenter children learn it from somewhere.
Pretty sure there's a video on this actually!
Making peace with a narcissist is like saying thank you for your abuse. Counter by setting the same expectations and boundaries. They hate their own rules.
I think he means making peace with yourself. Besides the worst revenge you can do to a narcissist is no contact and flourishing.
Ok nvm he did mean it in that way. My bad.
Very informative. I am a nurse and I have to tip toe around patients who come in to do what I need them to do without taking away their control
The only problem with asking a narcissist for advice is that if you don't take their advice, they take it personally, and they attack you for it. Speaking from experience.
Lots of people get upset when another person asks for their advice and doesn't take it. I have always found that a little strange but now I wonder if some of those people were narcissists. Asking someone's advice only means you value their opinion and you want their take on the situation. It doesn't mean that you're going to blindly follow what they say.
@@DLF23 Exactly! But some people take it an invitation to take over your life, and they don't understand why you resist.
I'm about to go on a family trip with my coparent narc and I swear I needed this with all my heart! Now I feel like I have not only protective armor, but some weapons instead of going in blind with my arms tied behind my back. Thank you so much, your channel has really improved my daily life
I'm at stay at home mom with a cheating narc husband. I'm on my way out, but I need to buy time to get myself financially independent. This is GREAT advice!! I definitely hide my disgust!
You have the most professional explanation, and logical ways to handle a narcissist, that simply put, just can't be walked tossed aside, and walked away from. Thank you for being there, with a voice of reason, and clarity, when I needed it the most. If I can ever help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask. Have a blessed day. Peace out for now, Flyingsun.
I actually loved this vid but the thought of saying this stuff makes me wanna vomit ❤
@Siobhan Fogarty nah
Hide my disdain and disgust? Nah. He has already destroyed my career, reputation, life. I have nothing to lose at this point. He needs to go.
sarah vand Only to save your life from his rage!!!
@@Rhetor305 in your case, yes
😂😁😁😁
I get it. This skills are useful when you find yourself in a situation that you cant quickly get yourself out of...i.e..a work environment. I'd call them survival tactics.
Yes, survival tactics...
Wish I’d had this prior. Owner of company was narc and my advanced age meant leaving (without huge pay cut) was impossible. So toxic.
“The narcissist says something, it may be intelligent....or not.” You may not have intended this statement to be humorous, but it made me laugh. 😂
This entire video was so petty & subtle. He's hilarious
That’s my fav with his videos
I think this was very insightful as to what makes a narcissistic person tick. The tragic thing about the narcissist is that he/she/they are people who have been traumatised so deeply as children that they repress their true emotions so that they can no longer distinguish a genuine feeling. And they do not trust others. Therefore, as the Doctor points out, any interaction is potentially risky. So I can understand why so many choose to go no contact.
This only works in short interactions. If you live with a narc, compliments can literally make them even worse!
I could never say something like that or anything that just isn't true, especially if that is someone I truly hate and despise. This is hard. It's like going against your inner values/constitution..difficult
I will be sincere, no contact, move on. Don't waste your time with those people. They make my skin crawl, vote them out, don't work for a abusive company. Nice try Dr. Grande but I feel like your approach is conditioning a person to being a slave, flying monkey and eventually in need of psychiatric care.
Even if we don't hate the person, it's enough Not to Lie to Our own Truth! Totally out of question ,going against the Truth is never the way no matter who and what it is !
Right!!!!
@@moneymagnetelizabeth Dr Grande clearly says its not the best but if you have no other choice at the time and have to deal with it until safer situations come your way!!!
Pay attention
It's not about lying or compromising your integrity. Even a narcissist has some positive qualities--one may have to look for them. So play to their positives a bit for the sake of strife reduction or survival. You use the phrase "someone I truly hate and despise." Got many?
I used to call complimenting narcissists, "blowing sugar up their arse". I was doing it instinctively and not realising it's a survival technique. It's very draining but now that I can think of it as a tactic it might make it easier.
The struggle is real, thanks for remembering survivors of Narcissism. 👍
I figured out how to do this on my own when I was a kid because I was raised with both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists and what I learned is that it's very dangerous to the kid's self-esteem to learn these because the habits become internalized. I thought this was who I was, but in reality, I had just normalized my responses to narcissists as part of my personality. Therapy helped me tap into my confidence, thankfully. All this to day that Dr Grande is correct when he says that these should be used sparingly to keep the peace momentarily because otherwise it will (as many of us know) grate on our sense of self and confidence. I'd add that there need to be assertive ways to show the narcissist that you (we) will not be playing this game, otherwise the narcissists takes ALL these tactics you have employed and starts labeling you as weak and below them, and then treating you as such. My personal advice is: let them show you who they are when they believe you are weak, and then strike back with utmost class and confidence saying that you will not play their game. Best case scenario is that you will respect yourself and worst case scenario is that the narc will hate you but respect you.
A lot of these tactics are over-the-top and will bite you in the A. Unfortunately even manipulating a narcissist is unlikely to get you what you want. The most I would recommend doing would be to passively agree with them versus inflating their ego, which is likely to only fuel their control tactics etc. if survival is your goal, the last thing you want is to give them more power OR take it away.
I've done some of these instinctively just too survive. And others I did because I'm sometimes a people pleaser, partly because I like getting along with others and partly because I think an abusive childhood trained me to do that to survive. Life sure is interesting. Thanks for your videos I really like them and I learn a lot.
Like me! :( And it's disgusting to look back realizing how i had to deny and humiliate myself in order to survive! It's hard to reverse this "training" and i feel no remorse though ( to manipulate narcs)!
@@alexk269 I hear you. There is a very nice resource for reclaiming that lost dignity and self respect. It's a site called surviving narcissism and they offer online counselling. I find that guy very good at tackling this very question how the narc tries to turn you into them by putting you in impossible situations that rob you of your self respect over time. We all need to reclaim our lost selves and our lost power. I hope you check him out I think his name is Dr Les Carter if I remember correctly. Peace be upon you.
@@clairebear1359 Thank you! :)
@@alexk269 it's a pleasure my friend.
The problem I find with all of this is that they just get worse. I used to say that one of the narcs in my family went very quickly from gratitude (for what I was doing for her) to expectation (that of course I would keep doing it) to demand (that if I stopped doing it, I was breaking some kind of trust).
I went out with 2 narcissists previously for many years. I did ALL of these things to keep the peace or keep their mood up for fear of their anger. The thing is I did all these things instinctively. I never read up on how to appease a narcissist. It's kind of like playing a game but they don't know they're playing it and I'm only playing it to win ie: they dont lose their shit and verbally or physically abuse or humiliate me. I'm so glad I left them both and have since learned what to look out for in future. Ive purposely remained single for the last 2 years as I'm still not ready for a romantic relationship as I'm still not over what I was put through and I'm happier than I've ever been in my adulthood.
Bexy Boo, you deserve better
👏👏👏 exactly!
Did you sense they had a lot of charisma when meeting them ? I've met two in my life, and I got the same vibe with both of them
@@littlelily4 Absolutely! they were both full of charm and charisma. Ive since learned these are common narcissistic traits though non narcissistic people can have these traits also.
@@Bexks I totally agree about the charm and charisma in regard to narcissistic people, which can be extremely powerful!
My exes were all like that, then I saw it in action with a man I met about four years ago, who is married with children, but many women of all ages had a crush on him where he worked. I'm thinking that some staff members probably did too.
Mind you, it seemed like he was naturally charismatic and being extremely good-looking with a beautiful smile didn't help matters at all! I'd never go with a man who has a wife or partner and I'm about 15 years older than this person; however, I could understand the attraction.
I also realise that even happily married people can still be attracted to others, yet they don't act on it. I don't know if I'll ever go out with anyone again, but might change my mind when I've sorted my life out. ❤
People have flattered the narc woman I work with giving her extra responsibility and paying her so many compliments for how "great" she is doing. It actually makes her more lazy and less responsible and also thinking she can lord it over everyone who is above her level. We are basically carrying her and she thinks it's the opposite. I won't be paying her compliments. It's really uncomfortable to watch my boss do it. We all appease her for a quiet life and I'm so so sick of it. The thing is there is also a narc in my family who has been off the scene for 2 years. She is now trying to reestablish contact and hasn't apologised for any of her behaviour. I don't want to know unless we all receive a sincere apology and see a real genuine change. I really seem to attract this type of work colleague/ neighbour(another story). I just want to be as far away from these people as possible.. 😑 hugs to all the people who know how this feels. 💙💚
I'm here for the same kind of person you have at work.
I've been a relationship with this type of person for 9 years. Never knew there was a name for this behavior. I was just coping unsuccessfully. At some point, I began showing some of their behavior back to them in order to survive but that has made me very unhappy. I only stayed because our kids where little and needed a fighting chance. Two years ago I had to move my narc mother who has Alzheimer's in with us. I am drowning and need to get out of both relationships. Our kids are grown now and I am trying to find a facility for my Mother. Then I can move on from both narcissist relationship. This video has been very helpful.
@@soulmusiq69 in
People usually undetrstand a back handed complimemts I use to work with four drs fro. Tufts the secretary who trained was a legl secretaryl .no one cares what ur issues are just get the job done that's the bottom.line.
Man 0 man i would always wonder how my big sister, could be different, good iq she is
It's like dealing with a three year old
Yes. A three year old who is deeply hurt. There is this thing called narcissistic wound of which I think of every time dealing with my narcissist. Feeling empathy or more so, being comprehensive like of a dependent and troubled child helps me implement all of those techniques without getting bitter about it. I use these without remorse just to keep me sane, but I am very detached from the situation internally since I know there are things that he just cannot do since he is disabled, in a way. And I am not the right one to help or even treat him, plus most narcissists are very hard to heal even in therapy. I doubt I could change a lot about his behaviour or his life cause after all, it is his life that made him become like he is. Some things happened and shaped him and this is tragedy enough. No one would chose this if he could chose. Everyone would chose a happy and fulfilled life and not this one which took so much from him. So I feel sorry for him most of the time and try to make little things better for him if I feel strong enough, even though he won't recognize them most of the time I guess. But caring in a way for a "blind person" is okay for me because this is what I am. And I don't feel very offended by helping someone who is weaker than me and long as it drains not most of my energy. This is there I stop and recharge and call it a day. But not caring at all for a person like him who already pushed away everyone else with his disability to be socially adaptive would only fuel his failed life and this is something I can't stand by doing nothing. As long as I can help a little bit I will help a little bit. I think that his life is tragic enough like it is, being a vulnerable narcissist. No one should feel this alone. So I stand by even if he can't feel me really or get in touch or make a connection. But I am there, from time to time. No one should feel this alone.
They expect you to constantly entertain and please them like they're the only person in the universe. Grown adults.
Sunnivah13 that seems like a pain in the butt tho
I hate when people compare sick adults to children-children are completely dependent, have no control over their environment or the people who care for them, and have not even had time to learn and develop mentally. A twisted ADULT has power, has had time to learn how to guage people so they can push their buttons, and they have the choice and ability to change their environment and the people they are around. We need to stop being such a child-hating society, because payback WILL be a bitch. Those children we've been treating like sh*t because of our own selfishness will be ruling the world, AND staffing the hospitals and nursing homes we'll end up in eventually as old people. And how do you think they will treat us, because we never took time with them, or showed them patience and love? LOL!
hurry up and hire a collage kid wile they still know every f****ing thing. god knows you cant run a business without constant temper tantrums on all fronts.
Its good to see you're still in the game Doc. 1.3M subscribers ... WOW. The tragedy of this presentation is the depth to which you had to descend in order to navigate interactions with narcissists. Seems to me they "win" in all of these venues because it is the victim who must adjust his behaviors in order to achieve whatever success he/she is seeking from the exchange. And the narcissist walks away feeling better about himself, even though those feelings were generated with false motives.
that would imply narcissists with feelings, aside from no rest for the wicked.
For a while, I only said Yes, Dear or an equivalent. That was my way of literally surviving during the last prolonged period of the abuse.
I see these methods as ways of getting along, which is very important. Honesty is really not involved at a certain point, as the abuser will not listen and will respond with violence, emotional, financial or physical. Honesty does not exist in an abusive relationship. The abuser rips the heart out of honesty and crushes it.
Felt rather submissive to me and I could see it yet...alas.see the light!
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That's my method of operation with my ex-husband. We share children so unfortunately I can't go no-contact. I can't WAIT for them to get to an age where I never have to interact with their father again. Luckily, my younger child already notices the narcissistic behaviour. THANK GOD, because observing his dad's inconsistencies will protect him as he gets older.
Best thing to do is to totally ignore the narc. This strategy throws narcissist off balance whenever they're around you.
They don't know what to do with themselves. They act like clowns that no longer have a circus act and a faithful audience 😂😂😂😂
I live with one if i ignore she yells or gets physical
How much do you ignore them? What do you do when they start speaking with you? I can only imagine how my narc brother would react to me completely and utterly ignoring him.I have a half a mind to try this out and record the audio.
Try to ignore a narcissist and see what happens. Good advice though, but they will keep comming until you respond with all means, so it is the same thing if you respond or not.
@@ya4550 yelling is verbal abuse. Getting physical is assault... I would video the narcissist and give the video to the police... 🚔
"It's sad that others would treat you so poorly; they can't see how great you are." - I think I just puked a little in my mouth.
Have a narcissistic boss. She admires herself and twirls to check herself out in the mirror. Very verbally abusive. Have to avoid as much contact as possible. If I can find another job, I'm gone. She's a classic narcissist.
@@gusgrizzel8397 wowwwwwww. That’s scary 😟
@@gusgrizzel8397 she has to keep looking in the mirror so she can convince herself she is not ugly as she knows she is on the inside and that hopefully no one see’s the witch within 😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Also:
"If I were as smart, attractive, powerful and skilled as you, I would be confident too" 🤢🤮
Best advice I’ve ever heard on this subject 🔥. Joined the workforce in late 80’s and dealt with narcissists in the work force more every year. Changing jobs doesn’t guarantee you’ll get away from them, and even so, one could get hired on after you and ruin everything. Sometimes I think management deliberately promotes these kinds of people, bc once you know how to handle them, they can make HR’s job a lot easier. Had to leave the corporate world and start my own business bc my career path has become saturated with narcissists. Wish I had known this back in the day!
My favorite way to manipulate a narcissist is to start with a headlock...
😁
This made me laugh so hard, I choked. BRAVO
You said exactly what I was thinking,oh funny.
They're so annoying that they really deserve it!
LOL! 😁
👍🤣😂
This is incredibly helpful for my present situation, I can't thank you enough. This information could save me from having to live on the streets in the Canadian winter. Again, thank you so much.
It's exhausting to keep giving a narcissist what they need to not flare up. I'd rather stay completely away. But if I have to be around it, these are great tips.