Honestly, this book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ gave me the encouragement I needed to stay strong in raising my kids with Christian values, it’s comforting to know Im not alone on this journey
It's healthy to say "no" whenever you want. You don't owe anyone anything. If someone is mad at you, it doesn't mean you did something wrong, or that you're a bad person. Don't accept their premise.
I had a tyrant father who would yell and sometimes hit us for no good reason - I'm the youngest of 4 children. Punishment was more about him relieving himself of anger and blaming his children. Communication with him was not tolerated. So, I blamed myself for his anger and felt I was hurting him and that, as you said, did something wrong. I'm in my 40's and have finally clued in, somewhat recently, on this distorted sense of self-blame. Now I can quite easily tolerate others anger and this has opened up a world to me where I can more easily set boundaries and say what I want.
what if the son feels entitled to get everything, he wants from the parent? a mother that gives in when a tantrum. and bribe the child, always taking side of the child against the father, and that child is 18 years old at this point. what should the father do if the son hit his dad.
I know exactly what you mean. Mine will talk for twenty minutes straight and as soon as I finally interject or casually bring up something I want to talk about he conveniently has to get off the phone.
My father only wants to point out my problems how I was the ungrateful one that I felt sorry for my self every time how bad I treated my family but this only happens when I bring up a conversation he didn't like about my abuse.
Everything with my father is a lesson from him, the supreme master and knower of all. I must allow him to educate me on the "best" way to go about things. Anything I say is inferior, and if I put the effort to explain my side and it's right, he'll never give me credit, just sort of circle the argument in a way to indicate that he knew that point already. The thing is, he is quite smart indeed. And he'll "test" me many times. He'll ask me to do something he's done 1000 times before, and knowing it's my first time, he'll absolutely degrade and berate me for not knowing how to do it. Sometimes it's something I bet I could even do, or figure out in a short time, but the amount of anxiety I feel even being in his presence performing a task, completely messes me up and sometimes I do make dumb mistakes... and boy do I hear about it. And so does everyone else. It's very draining. The problem is, he also has a really nice and kind side sometimes. He's very inconsistent. But that nice and kind side ropes me in, then at any point he can go off like a bomb.
When someone rejected you in the past and you go out of your way to "prove them wrong" by going back to prove how successful you are without them, that actually makes you very vulnerable. Because you are seeking approval of someone who has rejected you before. They might reject you again. A true successful person can be successful all on their own and doesn't need to prove it to anyone.
You described my father perfectly... unfortunately. It's hard living with narcissistic parents, you do your best (achieve a 2:1 Degree), yet it's still not enough for them. Until I realised I was pandering to them, I cut out that bad habit and cultivated a more self-reliant and more independent mindset. Consequently, I feel significantly more confident in myself and my abilities to tackle anything that comes my way without being co-dependent on my foolish, narcissistic parents.
@No Tea Zone Indeed. With that said, I can go on a lengthy harangue on why I was dealt a bad hand in life, however, I simply choose not to. Taking your point into consideration, I do agree with you that's rare to see narcissistic couples; however, it's gradually on the rise I've noticed.
Joshua Amberson It's healthy to say "no" whenever you want. You don't owe anyone anything. If someone is mad at you, it doesn't mean you did something wrong, or that you're a bad person. Don't accept their premises.
First of all congratulations on the 2:1. Secondly the rise of many percieved character traits as pathologies is often a reaction to over sensitivity in the 'millennial' psyche. Where far too much short term peer driven vertual relationships feedback into 'non reality' based perceptions of the minutiae of normal ballanced individuals. This elevation and distoriion of nominal behavioural traits that are part of the core gamut of the human condition has the hallmark of 'too much access to information' without the critical analytical skills to dicode it property. Access to Google does not make one a doctor, however a Doctor with access to Google is an incredibly powerful combination, the difference is years of training.and this is where the 'millennial' trait of instant gratification and the inability to invest deeply in real long term relationships and goals becomes evident. This is not to say you are in this category.
@@BarakAvinoam done much work over the years. But CoDA does sound useful. Group meetings are useful if those attending are actually looking for a solution /resolution...unfortunately I have experienced many times those who are just interested in the social support in meetings rather than progressing and crafting their own coping strategies to have with them at all times.
I've always thought my father was a narcissist. He behaved like a tyrant at home but was the charming attendee at a party. He basically ignored my younger brother and focused on the oldest. Everything was a cost-benefit analysis. I was told I was a bad investment. I was so confused as I hit my 20s and thank god a torturous relationship drove me into counseling. My father didn't like women or femininity. I think he was really threatened by it.
@Endless Nameless god this is so true. I am the oldest and I was the best thing the world had to offer ..until I started becoming my own person and more of a woman. Then my dad trashed me and put my brother in my place
I wonder if there's a gay factor. My childs father is a vulnerable/covert narc, the kind driven by shame. Caught him with a 2nd phone used for gay hookup. Beat me up and very manipulative abusive to me and another woman. He never went into another hetero relationship after me. But will behave and put on the charm in front of men he admires and respects. Idk, could be gay, could be perpetual little boy. I don't see him as a real man. He certainly does not provide for child's needs due to his own entitlement. Nor does he protect. And ofc he only wants to see the child occasionally for fun & convenience. Never any real fathering.
From my own experience, having had a narcissistic father myself, there's a couple of components I'd like to add to the list: *1) Narcissistic rage:* In hindsight, I would say that my father's rage, which I was subjected to from a very young age, was by far the most damaging to me. The rage followed the textbook pattern (two tier rage) and was eventually what made me understand that my father was indeed a narcissist. On a daily basis my father was like a ticking bomb that could go off at any moment. He was typically annoyed with the entire world and everyone in it, something he constantly expressed. Worse yet, every once in a while - I'd say at least once or twice a month - he would have a complete meltdown where he would scream and insult me as well as destroying inventory in our home. I remember growing up with wall paintings and pictures being strategically placed in order to cover holes in walls and doors that my father had made during his rages. *2) Narcissistic inheritance:* For a long time, I was my father's 'flying monkey', defending his behaviour and often even benefitting from it. And to my great dismay, I've had narcissistic traits myself -- including the rage, unfortunately. Only a couple of years after my own son was born, I became aware of the narcissistic abuse I had been subjected to and I fell into a deep depression which motivated me to seek counselling, thus enabling me to break the 'family tradition'. I believe my rebellious nature as well as my drug abuse during my 20s (I've been clean for over 20 years now) stems from having had to endure the abuse from my father.
my dad verbally and physically abused me as a kid ‘til my teens. completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. i went from a child prodigy to nothing. it affected my drive in life and fear of failure. i’m in my early 30s and still living there, my fault i guess. just barely realized that therapy and moving out/being self sufficient is one of the main cures. wishing the best for everyone dealing with a narc, may the people who suffer feel peace someday.
Same thing happened to me. My narcissistic parents literally became more abusive when I was being recognized by teachers as being too advanced for my age group, when I started college at a young age and that is when there was a lot of undermining instead of support. When I became a young adult going to university, I entered this age as a weakened, low self-esteem, and depressed young person, and I ended up not doing well at school. Not being able to get a job was when the narcissistic abuse became more nightmarish as they began to always say that they had always been right that I was always sick and useless. It was constant fighting and undermining. They didn't let me recover from illness and were already pushing me to leave when I didn't have a job and was ill. The narcissists literally made me retrogress and erase that identity of success that I envisioned. My 20s were characterized by how I got undermined and my self-esteem and identity trampled, and now my 30s is recovering and reinstating the previous identity I had, although I fell behind now and cannot compete in the job market. I even laugh at myself for being on UA-cam at 30s, didn't imagine myself watching this kind of videos wasting time, imagined myself in an academic career in research. Hence, why narcissists create problems so that you can waste your time on the problem not on growth.
My Narcissistic father destroyed me. My spirit, my happiness, and my sanity. I’m now older, trying desperately to reparent myself and relearn how to navigate the world. But as I learn more about these videos, I see the damage is so so deep.
I didn’t realize how much damage my narcissistic father had done to me until I was 24. I’ve been working hard at undoing that damage for years now. There were so many toxic habits I had, that I had learned from him. This video described every single thing I’ve gone through, in an almost scarily accurate way.
Same. Except it took me until I was in my mid-30's and raising a family of my own before the friction came to a head. Your description is painfully accurate. The damage was done in terms of how I was taught or not taught to regard other people, and I've been trying to undo it ever since realizing it. Thankfully my wife has been patient, loyal, and supportive while I figure it out.
Same here. 24 now and i’m going through all the memories and antics in my head thru the years. Constant insults and negative comments to my face yet will brag about me and even boast about my accomplishments (I sold two houses for 500k each as a realtor) he’ll go to people on the phone “Oh yeah my sons doing real estate with me and he’s killing it selling millions of dollars worth of real estate!) 500k + 500k = 1 million total = dad says I’m selling millions! Meanwhile insult and demean me since I’m a kid. Never said sorry for the terrible things. Never apologized. Never admitted being wrong. Etc. i’m glad i found similar stories here. I’m just now starting to seek help on how to cope and get my sh** together.
Thank you for making this video Dr. Grande. I hope you also do one about the vulnerable narcissistic mother and her son. Great topics you're doing lately about narcissistic parent(s) and their children 😃
I'm female, this was still largely my relationship with my Father. My brother died, so I was the replacement. He never got sick of telling me just how much my brother and I looked alike, so I'm sure that helped him pretend I was my brother.
Every one of these was true for my father with my older brother. He was distant and disowning with me. My older brother is now a sociopath. I've been recovering my entire adult life.
Sociopaths and narcissists are not the same thing. A narcissist will breed a narcissist or a codependent. Sociopaths and psychopaths are a special kind, different from narcissists. The narcissists force the world to revolve around them, they are weak and ferral. Psychopaths are cold, calculated and meticulous, they work in silence and shadows. They do not force people to do their will, they go after it.
4:34 - So true. My son’s father always tells him to not trust women, etc. And men too. I’m so glad I left him 9 years ago. Our 10yo son lives with me so, thankfully, his dad doesn’t have a lot of time to teach our son these toxic, maladaptive ‘lessons’ about women. Also, he expects our son to call him on the phone, instead of him (the dad, the adult) calling his son. Sometimes he gets angry if son doesn’t call him, or he gets hurt/sensitive assuming that son doesn’t want to talk to him. I could say so much more about his style of parenting, and co-parenting. He is not what I consider a good, solid, upstanding example of a man for our son.
Good on you for getting your son away from him. You’ve assuredly spared your son a lot of pain and trauma because narcissists almost never get better, its just their personality. I wish i had gotten away from my father sooner but i am so thankful that i had a loving mother who had the courage to take on his role as well. Im sure when your son grows up he will be thankful for courage to get away from a toxic person.
I've just started avoiding him....has helped me being sane and less depressed lately. I just don't mind his taunts to belittle my achievements and I've even started working harder to burn him even more and man the motivation it gives me is amazing😂 Let's see how this goes.
@@sonnyca you need to stop giving them any fuel/ attention! Make them irrelevant to your life. That's the only way to make them self destruct!! Take back your power. Do nothing because of anything they say or do or will do etc. Live your life well, the way YOU want to and think is right... Grow, evolve, enjoy and be amazing. Don't dull your shine! They will only suffer for it! You can't help them and you can only help yourself. Do not look to them for any approval, appreciation or validation. They are incapable. Grow in self-love, self-trust, self-value. Self-approve, self-validate, learn to be who you truly are and were truly meant to be and forget their false narrative of you. Detach yourself emotionally from them. I can't say it enough... Make them irrelevant and make sure the good people who matter know you for your true and good self and for your good actions. Don't care about the rest! Narc abuse is a learning experience. It's meant to help us grow in our power and truth. It's meant to help us grow and evolve and enlighten others! I'm sorry if you're already doing all this!! :)
One of the things that drives me the nuts the most is that when they want to reconcile with you or "work on our relationship" basically all they want to do is sit down with you and explain to you how everything that's ever been wrong between you two is actually your fault and he wouldn't have done any of the bad stuff if it wasn't for you being the way that you are.
My FIL is like this. He walked into our home in what was suppose to be a moment to solve an issue we had with my FIL and the first thing out of his mouth was “this is how the conversation is going to go” and proceeded to blame his son for making him react the way he did and that his son is the one who should be apologizing, not him.
Wow, this episode hit home. My experience: 1) *Check* -- Admiration in young adulthood. Significant influence indeed. 2) *Semi-check* -- Teaches maladapted behaviour; not so clear, except a constant putdown of everyone we knew, even his best friends. 3) *Check* -- Meddling in having children. 4) *Check* -- Grandiose personality. Also very problematic if I didn't fulfill his fantasies to perfection, which, of course, was impossible. 5) *Check* -- Very present emotionally; at the same time never interested in, or rather incapable of understanding, whatever I felt. 6) *Check* -- This happened to me and was extremely painful. I was 'replaced' by the son of a billionaire, impossible for me to compete. 7) *Semi-check* -- They're divorced alright but he didn't act divisive (or at least not more than usually) I'd say my father was a vulnerable narcissist as well as a grandiose narcissist. It seemed to go from the one to the other rather seamlessly. He was very charming when _grandiose_ , but rather acting like a 'wounded animal' while _vulnerable_ , with a constant rage and a look of pain in his eyes.
I can relate....and it's all got to do with their miserable childhood you come to realize such people shouldn't have kids. I hate how they tried to ruin my high school years. Thanks to a loving woman I was able to confront this in my 20s early and then they gas light you up. Videos like these help alot
That!🎯 they oscillate btw spectrums of NPD. Most important to point that out to those who have never encountered, lived or endured childhood with this mentally disordered ppl.
Thank you Doc! My mother and mother-in-law 100%. It’s like living in a nightmare. I know how to handle my mother but have went “no contact “ with my mother-in-law for a year so far. I’m staying strong so I won’t collapse into miss treatment once more. Thank you!
It's amazing how my father fulfills 6 out of these 7 signs. It's so frustrating living with narcissistic people. As a kid I really looked up to him, thinking how great he was and that he was always right. But in my teenage years I realized how wrong I was. Sadly my mom is constantly fighting with him for sometimes useless things but they don't want to divorce. My heart rushes when I hear them fighting and I get extremely anxious all the time. Sometimes I am scared that I might become like him because I don't have any other father figure in my life and I don't know what way to behave to be like him. I hate this situation since years. I hope that I can move away as quickly as possible.
i feel you man, 1000%. my dad verbally and physically abused me as a kid ‘til my teens. completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. i went from a child prodigy to nothing. it affected my drive in life and fear of failure. i’m in my early 30s and still living there, my fault i guess. just barely realized that therapy and moving out/being self sufficient is one of the main cures. wish the best for you my man god bless you.
Dr Grande, we your subscribers are so blessed and grateful to you for all the time and dedication you give to your videos, we cannot receive insights and professional counselling at our fingertips anywhere like you give, there is often no other options but to scan all the available general literature out there, please except our collective gratitude for all your efforts.👏
I recall my uncle and his son. My cousin had an interest in chess while his father was obsessed with it. My uncle drove him to compete in school, which he did and enjoyed it. But when it came to the high school championship he entered, my cousin got 2nd place only to be berated in front of everyone by my uncle and told that if he isn't 1st he's nothing. My cousin kept his trophy and tried to feel proud of it, but it always reminds him of how his father can reduce him at any moment to a little boy that is never good enough even decades later.
Can you go over some ideas on how another parent could help a child survive a narcissistic parent or rather, how a parent could do to help mitigate the damage, aside from therapy? Obviously, each situation would be very unique but maybe based upon the general signs?
Yes!! I have been wanting to hear about this particular thing!! I want to know what I can do as the mother to help my son whose father is a narcissist and who sees him very often and consistently. My son is a teenager, a kind young man, and yet I can see how my son is being influenced negatively with almost sounding narcissistic himself sometimes, and my son struggles to please his father, says his father is his best friend and never wants to disappoint him in the least. I observe maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors and lots of enmeshment between his father and him. I have to walk a very fine line with my son who is hyper sensitive about his father. I have overlooked a lot because I didn’t want to hurt my son by telling him the truth about his father, and yet I realize now that I am the only one teaching my son and my son’s only hope at learning what he needs to learn about life and relationships in order to have a healthy life. Right now my son works so hard to be everything his dad needs him to be which is why his dad showers him with approval and treats him like they are college roommates... yet even small differences, and I have seen his dad become quit nasty toward his son. I fear the day my son decides to be his own person, and I wonder what I can do to lessen the blow and support my son in a healthy self identity and self love.
Amira Hamwia I fought and resisted my narc father and paid a brutal price while my younger brother pandered to and defended him. I have a long-term marriage with sons who don’t know depression while my brother is very narcissistic and unmarried still at 55. His one son is now diagnosed with BPD. So you are not imagining things your son is in true danger. Somehow you need to get him the hell away from his father.
Marc Smith My son is three and witnessed the verbal and emotional abuse of his father’s narcissistic rages toward me (his mother) almost daily now. It’s gotten quite bad. Unfortunately, I stay home with our children now and don’t have independently income or family support where we live- so I don’t have much option just to pick up and go. My husband tries to recruit my toddler son on his tirades against me, however my son is a loving person and most often tells his dad to stop yelling and be nice and to apologize. But sometimes he starts yelling at me like his dad does or telling me that daddy is right. I don’t know how to protect my son (who has SUCH a good, empathetic heart) from becoming anything like his father. It’s really hard. And I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking it’s okay for men to treat her that way. It’s sad that our three year old son has become the “man” in the home who often tries to improve his daddy’s mood by telling him he loves him and he’s happy he’s home. And then tells him to stop yelling and to apologize when he’s in a tirade. It’s sad.
Abdul Hafiz My son going through the same experience. Stay strong and try to surround yourself with people who support you. Continue to educate yourself on NPD and learn what you can do when you are in his presence.. Wishing you all the best!
So sad for my older son. His dad cuts him down whenever he achieves more than his dad ever could. Yet also cuts him down for not achieving whatever his dad has done. A no win situation for him. You hit #4 perfectly. Tragically, even. Also, cannot emphasize enough the transactional nature of a narcissist's pov of any relationship and that their own financial gain or preservation determines their participation in any relationship at all.
As a narcissistic father with a grown son, this video has shown me areas of my narcissism in raising my son that will be great discussion material for my efforts to understand myself and help my son to not be like me with narcissistic behavior.
You couldn't have possibly hit the nail on head any better here, this is more than perfectly clarifying and putting into words how me and my brothers relationship with my father was. I watch all your videos and there are more than insightful and helpful. Thank you for doing what you do.
Wow...that just absolutely pegged my kid’s father who has completely isolated my son. I literally have been squeezed out of his life so that he may play out his sick ego through our son. My heart sits broken yet hopeful. The egos, the surfing, the surfing contests, he is overly involved in my son’s every move. It’s awful.
Made it nearly 10 minutes in before I realized that you were not talking about NPD but just narcissistic traits. I'm sure nearly everyone has some, my dad definitely does but I love him for who he is and am thankful for the good times we have had. I don't blame him for many of the issues I have had in my life, I choose to take responsibility for my own actions. Love yourself and treat others how you wish to be treated.
I've never known what it's like to have a loving father. My brothers and I were abused ever since we were younger and I'm having emotional breakdowns now. I have a fear of relationships because it seems like when I leave, I end up with another narcissist. I moved out three years ago because of the abuse, but I ended up with a narcissistic roommate. It got so bad that I moved back in with my family, but my dad continued the abuse like nothing happened, and it's worse than ever before.
@NelyL Thanks for asking. Yes. I'm fine. I have a few wonderful friends who've helped me move away and have been there for me when I need them and have helped me heal and set me up with counseling and even helped me get a good job. I now have a stable relationship with my father and my brothers, but I've set boundaries and don't see them more than once or twice a week.
It makes me so mad how my narc husband treats our children ( one son and one daughter.) He is not a good father in any way. He does next to nothing with them but believes he’s father of the year. 🙄 while constantly criticizing them and flying into narcissistic rages when I stick up for them.
Why are you still married to him when he abuses your children? Due to your children's exposure to narc. abuse, they can become his cohort in abuse towards others....another narcissist. Dud you listen intently to Dr. Grande's video?
That’s is literally my life. And it’s tragic. Our son is three and our daughter is two and he thinks he’s he best dad in the whole world because he actually feels love for them. But his idea of “present” is being on the same property but not actively engaging with them. He does NONE of the parenting (he will make them breakfast occasionally- after asking me what they can eat- and he changed our son’s diapers often and bathed him often, but will not do those things with our daughter) but doesn’t miss an opportunity to yell at them for not listening or criticize my about a 2 and 3 year old not listening or being disrespectful (gee, welcome to toddlers.) Luckily, his rages are almost always directed at me. But unfortunately, he verbally and emotionally abuses me in front of them nearly daily and recruits our son on his tirades against me, which is so disturbing. Our son is more mature than he is and usually tells him to stop yelling and to be nice. It’s sick. And everyone thinks he’s such a good father because he talks adoringly about our children, but he does NOTHING with them as a parent. Watching a movie on the same couch as your child isn’t parenting. It’s so infuriating. But of course, the narc tries to convince US that WE are the problem. We are the narc or the unfit parent in whatever moment they feel any type of way. While in lucid moments I hear how I’m the best mom in the entire world and no one could be better for our kids than me. He’s insane. And it makes me so scared for our children. That last thing I want is for our son to end up anything like him.
@@prometheuspredator7971 Guessing you've never had a narc parent who provided the roof and food keeping you alive, huh? Nobody sticks with one because they want to. Most people only stick with one because they have no other alternative.
4:25 My narc father didn’t say a single word to me about relationships my entire childhood!...because if he wasn’t yelling at me, he didn’t talk to me about anything. I had no idea what a relationship was, or what one was supposed to be. All I had for reference was seeing my parents relationship (which I finally realized was completely dysfunctional full of verbal abuse and fear)...but I didn’t realize that until after many failed personal relationships in my 20’s and early 30’s. I finally started learning about Narcissism years ago and have been full of shame knowing I destroyed many relationships with my narc tendencies...but also so angry at the realization I was robbed of any sort of normal childhood. I’m completely lost in life right now, and question if I have enough in me to salvage anything meaningful. I still love my dad, and terrified at the thought of him dying, as he’s much older now.....but there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll feel ‘relieved’ when he finally passes....which make me feel even worse. I’m in such a bad spot mentally.
Recognisable. I told my father yesterday about my childhood trauma and about all the hard things he has said in which he was emotionally unsupportive and even used physical violence. I noticed that he denied everything and when he couldn't do that anymore, he downplayed it. So now I know it doesn't make sense anymore. He simply does not want or cannot see his mistakes and cannot apologize. As a defense mechanism, he started depositing even more insults. I'm quite sure he has traits of covert narcissism. English is not my first language.
That’s why you just go to God because at the end of the day when it’s his day of judgment he will be judged. Keep your relationship with God strong and let everything you have in your heart to God because only he can fix you forgive him. You can’t change where you came from but you can surely change where you are headed. Don’t give your son the same fate. The more and more you give your heart to God the more and more you’ll get the understanding and how to be in a relationship. The reason why you feel this way is because an unhealthy grievance that you don’t understand that comes to all. Please talk to God what’s in your heart please. I beg you.
My friend it’s a year later after you posted this. How are you? This hit me. Nobody is entirely bad and yet I find myself wishing my father dead. He’s so selfish, rageful, anxious in a very odd way, and he can’t let anyone have a moment of joy. If he’s not mad or just completely off putting, then he is just dumping whatever bad emotions he has that day on you or raging about the same like, 5 topics. It’s such a burden, I never get asked a thing about myself. He poisons my mother and I wish him dead often and then feel like a horrible person. I get pissed that I am expected to get tense and ruin my day not only on normal days but every holiday etc. I also have done some serious Jungian inner work but feel shame at ruining relationships in the past too. I’m 37 and single. But friend, we have the future. We can break the cycle. Tell me you’re okay?
All I can say is wow. I came across this video bc of what I'm going through currently and most of it, if not all of it was spot on. Thank you for making this video.
This video really hit home. My ex-husband is a vindictive narcissist. We had 3 sons who were 8,11 and 14 when we separated. He got custody by accusing me of all sorts of things that weren't true. He brainwashed my sons about me. He took 3 beautiful and innocent children and poisoned their minds and scarred them for life. I now only have a relationship with the middle son who is 34 years old. He struggles with trust and with relationships because of what was done. It's heartbreaking for me and the grief I feel over losing my sons is difficult. Thank you so much for these videos.
Again a wonderful clear and uncomplicated video! My grandson who is eleven ( whose father is a total nightmare to deal with) is so very heartbroken at the distancing of his father in the past 6 months. He arranges to see him, forgets, doesn’t turn up, takes him then brings him home early, turns up late. Father now has a new partner who has children. Father speaks of those children as though they are his own - fathers gain look what I got. But, when that relationship hits rocky patches father is back here trying to grab at his son and my daughter. In the last 10 days after 5 weeks of total disregard, son is taken out with father, brought home early promising to take him fishing two days later, after having enviously raged at his son on the way home. Gets back to sons home, son goes in, father calls mother out and proceeds to argue on the street for over an hour. Threatening her, her boyfriend, telling her he was going to burgle the house while we were away, totally deriding her. It was quite sadistic. He would change from verbally sadistic to smiling and trying to chat the next. All the while my grandson is afraid checking out the window listening to what is going on. Fishing day comes and goes, his father forgot, usual day he is supposed to see him comes and goes, never contacts to let him/us know he isn’t going to see him. Nothing just silence. In the past my grandson would have been very difficult to deal with after something like this. He wouldn’t say anything other than make excuses for his father. This time things have changed for him. He was angry at his father, called him all sorts of names; selfish, bully, pretends to care but doesn’t etc, cried a lot and was a tad down in the dumps. This lasted for a few days. Personally I would truly prefer if he didn’t have to cope with all that. But it is a real positive step forward for him - instead of protecting his father and lashing out at everyone, he is actually saying what he truly feels and getting angry with the right person. This time he stood directly against his father, on his way home, for his right to be free to love other people. Crying and feeling the hurt I think is actually good for him. Young children in particular boys see a grandiose narcissistic father as powerful, like Spider-Man or some such superhero. Reality for young children is largely given by the parents and children absolutely believe them. We have a way to go and pray that when we do fail (which is just as it is) that it won’t be too often or too bad. Thank you 🙏🏼
One thing my narcissistic dad does all the time is whenever I'm having issues with my children he will say "that's karma" and "you deserve it" but I was never a bad kid I just never fell in line with his narcissism crap.
Yeah, I'm never good enough for him regarding my successes and my failures. To me, my dad is a jealous guy that he has nothing on me and that is that I'm a strong and independent person and I'm not afraid to be truly expressive and fairly vulnerable enough to enjoy life. I'm happily married, no kids, got a good job and never asks my dad's help, ever.
I never comment on videos but now I’ve watched your video I found it helpful.I am the son a narcissist and if I’m totally honest, I am currently really struggling. I find myself looking up these videos on UA-cam but not to watch them anymore but instead read the comments for help. I know everyone has the same problem on here but I’ve just gotten to the point where it has consumed me so much I do not know what to do or how to handle it anymore. I am 34 years old happily married with 2 beautiful daughters and I vowed never to subject my daughters to the physical and mental abuse I was raised with. It continued in my adulthood up until about 3 years ago, until I cut all contact and I’m standing on my own 2 feet. I live my life and with my with wife and daughters by good morals and treating people how I would wish to be treated. I act strong in front of my girls and take the brunt of everything on my shoulders to protect them and would never burden them with my worries but lately I am struggling so badly and I do not know what to do anymore. I had the support of my sister and mother but that has all but vanished now too as he controls their lives financially and mentally. I thought I could take everything thrown at me and my shoulders could bare the Weight but the hardest thing now is that no one bothers with my children and it is affecting them and I feel now that this is my fault. I am heartbroken for them more than anything. My eldest daughter has autism and has enough to deal with but last week she has now started to ask me if the reason her daddy and grandfather don’t speak is because of her. She also asks is it because of her that her her grand parents don’t care for her or want to spend time with her or her little sister.
I feel with you, bro. I'm 48 and I'm struggling as well. Frankly, I believe I'll never shake it completely. Have you tried counseling? It helped me. Talking to victims of the same type of abuse seems help me even more.
Please, doctor Grande, make a video about the Golden child. My ex husband left the family 2 years ago and Now he ignores two of our children and seems to "love bomb" the youngest daughter (20 years old). And She sees him like a good father despite his horrible behaviour, his double life and his masks. He has said that She is his FAVOURITE child because She is similar to him. My doctor says that my daughter should go no contact sooner or later. I feel deep inside that she doesn't see his manipulation. She refuses to read about narcissism.
Give him time. He will eventually turn on your daughter as like with your other children. She will in someway disappoint or offend him, however small that will be. She needs to be warned that she will eventually become a target of his rage and out of control behavior. She will be another sacrificial lamb, because she did not live up to his expectations. Your daughter will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and he will explode on her. Once that happens, she will suffer and become a constant figure for him to degrade and justify himself. Please, your daughter needs to know to stay away from him. He is dangerous.
My younger sister, the golden child who "replaced" me, after I begged them to have her (because I was an innocent, lonely six year old who didn't know any better about what they might do with a sibling to me?! Plus, they wouldn't let me play with any of the neighborhood kids, but my glorified 3 years older babysitter!) Is SO BLIND to THIS!!
Wow. Never knew I was a narcissistic father. This totally called me out. Shame it takes u to lose everyone u love to learn about urself. Keep on teaching me! I'm all ears.
My Biological Dad - wouldn't stop 'Stalking' my Mom. ( This … really got into her head.) Watch out for 'clowns,' or 'bad personalities.' ::: I've purposely avoided getting a girl friend ::: just so that My Dad wouldn't get into them !!!
@@lamolambda8349 = He Still didn't stop... found me while doing a Temporary Agency Job assignment, and was STILL ANGRY for the decision to relocate with Domestic Partner.
@@lamolambda8349 My Older Sister, told me - a Hospice Worker has heard of me trying to take care of a Disabled, Elderly Dude with a messed up Spinal, due to Dehabilitating Arthritus... and said. (( don't return to California State, because My Father is being a complete jerk.)) The Stage 4 Esphogus did him in 2016 of FEB
I love your videos. Your scientific basis and direct no frills explanations really help me sort out what I went thru growing up. I have an overt narcissist dad. One major dynamic that was prevalent in my life is what I'd call the 'succeed but don't surpass' dynamic. My dad would always belittle and insult me when I struggled in life, but when I would surpass him he would become competitive, petulant and resentful. It creates a real 'no win' dynamic where I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Also there was always a really creepy dynamic to the vicarious enmeshment when it came to me dating and having girlfriends. He would become overly encouraging if I had an interest in a girl he found attractive, flirting and even taking pictures. If I was with a girl who wasn't 'his type' he would cockblock and put limitations on my ability to pursue the relationship and express unimpressed sentiments behind her back.
@@blueskies6475 After making my initial comment, it has become clear my Dad is a genuine psychopath. He has done unspeakable things. Getting an ego trip out of cucking his own son is the least of his crimes.
Learn about them. Usually the person dealing with the narcissist is an empath that is struggling the most and an enlightened empath is a narcissist's worst nightmare.
My Father has signs of both covert and overt. He was never happy with my achievements and he tend to badmouth me to other people to make himself look good or better. He never acknowledged and recognized every food thing I did for him and the family. He is so arrogant, don't want to accept constructive criticisms. He was always right and he always thought he is the right and the best person I. the world. This has triggered my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder but despite being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I tried every step to I can to reach my dreams where he never was supportive. He keeps telling me and other people I can't make it. He used to invalidate every little thing about me. He is an irresponsiblealcoholic Father. He never sustained the family needs. I studied away from home and never listened to him. Now I am a registered nurse and a clinical instructor.
Lived 23 whole years with my dad, name a genuine conversation I had with him? I couldn't tell u. I'm at that point where I'm not even upset anymore, a combo of worrying about my future and him being a lost cause. Can't tell which's more hopeless, the former or the latter.
Only when your doing what they want will you be seen for awhile. Don't trust narc fathers. They don't know of what they speak. Their is a lot of splitting. Object constancy is not present, multiple disaciative events and gaps in memory. When i was in high school i wrote a paper and typed it up. My mother heard my father devalue my paper. She called me upstairs and said please hand in the paper your(medical doctor) father said to write and lets see the grade he gets. F.
Hi Todd, this video is great! The videos about narcissistic fathers are helping me a lot. Could you please do the distant narcissistic father? I can tell that a father can be enmeshed with his favourite (elder) son and indifferent with his other (younger) son. I'm not ready to reveal which of the two sons I am ;)
My husband is the distant narcissist type. And it’s really sad when I see my children desperately seeking his ACTIVE attention at 2 and 3 years old. He thinks being on our property is being present- even if his face is buried in his phone or TV, or he completely dissociates from the kids climbing on him and trying to gain his attention. Only when he needs emotional support does he seek connection with them.
Hi! Now I'm ready to reveal after surviving the pandemic unscathed. I'm the elder son with a younger brother. Interestingly I have a twin sister that is ten minutes older than me. So technically I'm the middle child! I know... weird. I have insight because I suffered my father and kinda shielded my brother without knowing. I'm no hero. My sister didn't suffer him a lot either because my father was only interested in a male "heir". Ya, mediaeval
Thank you so much for this video. This describes my FIL perfectly though he has criteria from other personality disorders as well. His father spent most of his life cutting off my husband from other people and cutting down my very sensitive and kind husband. I keep trying to help my husband heal, setting strong boundaries with my FIL, while allowing him time to unpack it on his own. I’m hoping as he ages through his 30’s and continues to gain more understanding into how his relationship with his father has impacted him.
all signs are there in my dad..my life is a pure chaos and its always hard for me to be who i am and who my father thinks to be i am...narcissistic father's destroy the sense of self of the son/daughter...
Give your heart to God tell God how you are feeling God will fix you. You are too valuable to allow someone to have this type of power over you that’s not what God wants for you. God wants eternal life for you.
Jeez Louise, this is exactly what happened to my oldest son😔 it's extremely painful and it takes a lot of healing for both my son and myself. Now that my son lives with me , the father is focused on my daughter, go watch this guy's father/daughter narcissist abuse video, narcissistic abuse seems too never end, and now the father is wanting grandkids 🤦it's a sad cycle I pray it doesn't repeat.
'You'll never amount to anything' slipped your tongue. Glad to know how these sort of things can pass over a generation or so (no thanks to you for that, though).
Wow. Thank you so much for making this video. Incredibly insightful and helpful to anyone finding themselves in this situation as either the son of a narcissistic father or the mother the sin of a narcissistic father.
Yes I agree as well. My stepson has it in his mind that life is all about success. Mainly because that is all that my stepchildren know is their fathers success. I explain that becoming a man or just simply a confident individual is also about the many times that you fall or fail, but then you gain strength by standing back up facing your problems with honor and respect and time after time till you succeed.
This basically describes my father. I am a Canadian born chinese, with "Chinese" ethnic parents. So there is a bit of a cultural paradigm shift compared to your outline, but the outline basically describes my father. My mother is just the female mother version of narcissism. It is very painfully listening to this video since it hits close to home, but I have no choice, but to watch this vid occasionally to reaffirm the truth of my life. Every time I have moved out my narcissistic parents have called me on the phone in the morning interrupting my morning routine to enforce their authority over my morning routine and thusly my life. It's quite the lamentable struggle to have 2 narcissistic parents. I literally have a degree from the school I was maneuvered into going into after doing 100 times the research a normal person would indicating that it was not the school for me. I literally have been maneuvered to go on "vacations" forcing myself to go to exotic exciting foreign countries, while half the time being trapped with the narcissistic parents with no escape route since it was a foreign country. I have been condescended and 100% regarded as an object whose words hold no meaning. To my parents I am basically an object with no soul, spirit, intelligence, autonomy for them to respect. I am but a tool to them, a medium through which they brag about either providing for and to complain about due to fabricated excuses on their part. This is my life. God speed to all my brothers and sisters with narcisstic parents, lets endeavour for a better world that is a bit more altruisitic and empathetic.
I feel for you man. I’m Canadian too but Scottish ethnic background. Same crap, different pile. Take care of yourself first and don’t worry about the emotional needs of your parents. Find an exit strategy.
@@themonrovian8441 I just found your reply. Thank you for your kind words man. I think I need to prioritize an exit strategy and accept the sacrifices I'll have to make to make it happen. Same to you man, hope you find a resolution to your situation too and find your exit strategy. Be strong brother!
My father was absent from the beginning. That makes this video very interesting because I often do not understand the behavior of other guys, which may be the case because most of them had a (possibly narcissistic) father. Overall, I am glad I did not have these problems, it makes me cautious about wishing I have had a different childhood.
Wow! I’ve seen how this plays out from the front row and you’re right on point 🎯 The sons in my family of origin were copy/paste versions of our malignant Narcissist father.
Thank you for this video. It shed light of why my father said the things to me. It turn out my father has some of the signs but not all of them. Again thank you for this video.
My dad always tells me I’m wrong, I’ve never had an opinion without him disagreeing with me. I try to have a conversation with him, but he often starts lecturing me about why my view sucks. He yells and calls me names when I disagree with him. He thinks he always knows better and always tells me I’m lying or i don’t know what I’m talking about. My mom will always agree with him no matter what I or he says. Always 2 v 1. Then he uses things he’s done for me as bribery or blackmail for me to agree with him. Frequently telling me that I never do what he says.
Oh my ..you are SO on point. My narc haired three sons: one's doing life in prison, one got murdered and the living one wants to kill the narc. He had them all think they were special.
Hi again Dr Grande you have already covered this topic, as I have only just started to watch your videos, I didn’t go back far enough... thank you, great viewing as always 💖
It feels very stressing at times to just always assure my father that hes always correct or that he's"intelligent." I developed a method for making him happy just by re assuring him and telling him what he wants. The only way I can learn what hes telling me is just to pick and choose what's right or wrong in what hes saying and its really difficult, hope I make it out alright.
All fathers, I think, want to help their children avoid issues, or manage issues, that were emotionally charged for them. It is virtually an unconscious motivation to act. It occurs to me that a narcissistic father operates out of his own agenda, rather than helping their child make decisions about what they want for themselves. In a divorce situation, it is difficult to respond to situations a child speaks about, when you have a different perspective than your ex spouse.
Based on your other videos, my dad is a textbook narcissist. However, this video doesn't describe his relationship to me and my brother. He has always treated us as 'competition'. He's on a mission to prove to the world that he's better than us and that we're stupid, worthless, and incapable. His directive is to kick us down, keep us down, and make a spectacle of it. He dismisses our successes and mocks our failures. He treats us like a joke to our families and everyone else. I will reiterate in one of your previous videos that narcissism is insidious because it is very subtle. Most of what he does appears as normal family interactions, and people respond as such. But really, he revels in our misery. When my parents broke up, my dad took my mom's side against the kids. Complicated dynamic. He remarried a woman who's literally the female version of him. She's angry, spiteful, and HATES me and my brother.
I want to stop pointing fingers to my father or anyone. now, that I am a father myself, I'm focusing my energy on how to be a good father and not how to avoid being a bad father. It is much harder to stop doing things than to do things. No father is perfect however my father maybe just doing what he thinks is best at that moment.
My sons father is this type of person. My son, who is 13, has been groomed since our divorce at 2 years old to side with his dad. Now my son wants to live with his dad. It is heartbreaking to go through this when I know what I’m up against with a narcissist. I will fight for my son. We are going to counseling. But I am also letting him stay with his father on a trial basis. I hope that my son can break free from the enmeshment and use his own mind to see that I am not the bad guy. That I love him as much as his dad does.
Yes please do because that day of judgement will come to him sooner rather than later. I hope both of you get a revelation where you two are at an equal understanding. I hope now 2021 God gave you too the understanding so that your son has a brighter future not involving so much drama. I feel for your family in this situation.
@@blueskies6475 fighting for my son did work. I didn’t let him go live with his dad 100%. Counseling for both of us did work. My son and I now have a great relationship. My son is seeing his dad in a different way as he matures and isn’t under his dads influence as severely as before. My son has grown and matured and he still comes to my house every other week. My son is so intelligent and has to come to terms with his fathers personality and I just need to be here to support him. To encourage him to be himself and make his own decisions. He’s a great kid.
Spot on! Once I decided I didn’t want to be my dad he became disgusted with me, the faces he makes when I tell him my political views/ passions and life motivations he looks at me with disdain or straight up calls me stupid and misguided from the people who live where I live now/ my college teachers. I used to think he was a superhero, capable of more than anyone because that’s how he painted himself. He always referenced Scarface “first comes the money, then the power, then the women” so don’t focus on valuing or respecting a women until you’re successful. He taught me manipulative tactics to deal with bullies, conniving methods like sneak attacks. “Cut it at the umbilical cord” he used to say about people that would try to “disrespect” me at all but especially in front of others because then others would think I’m weak or an easy target. “Once you beat up someone brutally enough, no one else will try you, and when someone does, do it again to refresh their memory”. When I would come short of his expectations, I would be hit or yelled at extensively. His anger would be out of control and he to this day says he doesn’t recollect any of the physical or verbal abuse. Gaslighting to the max. The most spot on thing u said was how he turned me against my own mother, who raised me my first 8 years while he was in prison. My mom would sometimes suggest I live with my dad once I started acting exactly like him, and he would tell me to “call her bluff and she’ll learn not to do that”. Now in my last relationship I would do that when I was very upset and we would break up for no reason at all other than my own narcissistic tendencies. Thank you for the guidance, you’re a saving grace for me.
People who don't have this kind of relationship with their parent/parents have no idea how damaging and emotionally/mentally draining it is.
bruh i totally agree man im depressed as hell since whatever you say theyre always right and im wrong.
@@PeteSMKit gets manageable you stop caring.
@@karsisonlineit’s not always that simple…..
Honestly, this book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ gave me the encouragement I needed to stay strong in raising my kids with Christian values, it’s comforting to know Im not alone on this journey
It's healthy to say "no" whenever you want. You don't owe anyone anything. If someone is mad at you, it doesn't mean you did something wrong, or that you're a bad person. Don't accept their premise.
I had a tyrant father who would yell and sometimes hit us for no good reason - I'm the youngest of 4 children. Punishment was more about him relieving himself of anger and blaming his children. Communication with him was not tolerated. So, I blamed myself for his anger and felt I was hurting him and that, as you said, did something wrong. I'm in my 40's and have finally clued in, somewhat recently, on this distorted sense of self-blame. Now I can quite easily tolerate others anger and this has opened up a world to me where I can more easily set boundaries and say what I want.
Well said. The narcissist hates hearing a no so it is important to put up a boundary.
Great advice
I can agree with this heavily...
what if the son feels entitled to get everything, he wants from the parent? a mother that gives in when a tantrum. and bribe the child, always taking side of the child against the father, and that child is 18 years old at this point. what should the father do if the son hit his dad.
My dad lectures constantly never even get a real conversation with him or had one in a long time and if I did it didn’t last long
I know exactly what you mean. Mine will talk for twenty minutes straight and as soon as I finally interject or casually bring up something I want to talk about he conveniently has to get off the phone.
My father only wants to point out my problems how I was the ungrateful one that I felt sorry for my self every time how bad I treated my family but this only happens when I bring up a conversation he didn't like about my abuse.
Everything with my father is a lesson from him, the supreme master and knower of all. I must allow him to educate me on the "best" way to go about things. Anything I say is inferior, and if I put the effort to explain my side and it's right, he'll never give me credit, just sort of circle the argument in a way to indicate that he knew that point already. The thing is, he is quite smart indeed. And he'll "test" me many times. He'll ask me to do something he's done 1000 times before, and knowing it's my first time, he'll absolutely degrade and berate me for not knowing how to do it. Sometimes it's something I bet I could even do, or figure out in a short time, but the amount of anxiety I feel even being in his presence performing a task, completely messes me up and sometimes I do make dumb mistakes... and boy do I hear about it. And so does everyone else.
It's very draining. The problem is, he also has a really nice and kind side sometimes. He's very inconsistent. But that nice and kind side ropes me in, then at any point he can go off like a bomb.
@@TheBoomshine Yo we must be siblings lmao, it's like we have the same dad.
@Gemma Dann who’s your fav character
Wow. This was insightful and tragic simultaneously. My heart goes out to the boys raised by a narcissistic father. ❤
Thank you
It’s a day by day process. Thank you
Thanks James! 👏👏💪
Thanks bro
Thanks a lot man
When someone rejected you in the past and you go out of your way to "prove them wrong" by going back to prove how successful you are without them, that actually makes you very vulnerable. Because you are seeking approval of someone who has rejected you before. They might reject you again. A true successful person can be successful all on their own and doesn't need to prove it to anyone.
👍🏻you are right...
That goes back to the point he wasn't successful in the first place
Oh man, I'm an 18 year old dude and same to that
@@nivrrtakr2891 I'm 18 too but I'm totally dependent on my Family how to be independent some tips for me🙏
@@kunalkatariya3046 Join the military and leave home.
And also dangerous if the person has pathological envy which is NOT THE SAME as regular jealousy. It is very threatening to the narc.
I had a narc dad an overt he died in 2014.
Breaking the pattern with my son.
Definitely going to do the same with mine. No more damage.
Dead is cool
Doing the same. Break the cycle.
My Father is Narcissistic Psychopath! I hope he die soon!
How did you feel when he passed? Relieved or sadness
You described my father perfectly... unfortunately. It's hard living with narcissistic parents, you do your best (achieve a 2:1 Degree), yet it's still not enough for them. Until I realised I was pandering to them, I cut out that bad habit and cultivated a more self-reliant and more independent mindset. Consequently, I feel significantly more confident in myself and my abilities to tackle anything that comes my way without being co-dependent on my foolish, narcissistic parents.
@No Tea Zone Indeed. With that said, I can go on a lengthy harangue on why I was dealt a bad hand in life, however, I simply choose not to. Taking your point into consideration, I do agree with you that's rare to see narcissistic couples; however, it's gradually on the rise I've noticed.
Joshua Amberson It's healthy to say "no" whenever you want. You don't owe anyone anything. If someone is mad at you, it doesn't mean you did something wrong, or that you're a bad person. Don't accept their premises.
First of all congratulations on the 2:1. Secondly the rise of many percieved character traits as pathologies is often a reaction to over sensitivity in the 'millennial' psyche. Where far too much short term peer driven vertual relationships feedback into 'non reality' based perceptions of the minutiae of normal ballanced individuals. This elevation and distoriion of nominal behavioural traits that are part of the core gamut of the human condition has the hallmark of 'too much access to information' without the critical analytical skills to dicode it property. Access to Google does not make one a doctor, however a Doctor with access to Google is an incredibly powerful combination, the difference is years of training.and this is where the 'millennial' trait of instant gratification and the inability to invest deeply in real long term relationships and goals becomes evident.
This is not to say you are in this category.
good for you,me to. the "Coda" gruop meetings are very helpful
@@BarakAvinoam done much work over the years. But CoDA does sound useful. Group meetings are useful if those attending are actually looking for a solution /resolution...unfortunately I have experienced many times those who are just interested in the social support in meetings rather than progressing and crafting their own coping strategies to have with them at all times.
I've always thought my father was a narcissist. He behaved like a tyrant at home but was the charming attendee at a party. He basically ignored my younger brother and focused on the oldest. Everything was a cost-benefit analysis. I was told I was a bad investment. I was so confused as I hit my 20s and thank god a torturous relationship drove me into counseling. My father didn't like women or femininity. I think he was really threatened by it.
@Endless Nameless god this is so true. I am the oldest and I was the best thing the world had to offer ..until I started becoming my own person and more of a woman. Then my dad trashed me and put my brother in my place
I wonder if there's a gay factor. My childs father is a vulnerable/covert narc, the kind driven by shame. Caught him with a 2nd phone used for gay hookup. Beat me up and very manipulative abusive to me and another woman. He never went into another hetero relationship after me. But will behave and put on the charm in front of men he admires and respects. Idk, could be gay, could be perpetual little boy. I don't see him as a real man. He certainly does not provide for child's needs due to his own entitlement. Nor does he protect. And ofc he only wants to see the child occasionally for fun & convenience. Never any real fathering.
From my own experience, having had a narcissistic father myself, there's a couple of components I'd like to add to the list:
*1) Narcissistic rage:* In hindsight, I would say that my father's rage, which I was subjected to from a very young age, was by far the most damaging to me. The rage followed the textbook pattern (two tier rage) and was eventually what made me understand that my father was indeed a narcissist. On a daily basis my father was like a ticking bomb that could go off at any moment. He was typically annoyed with the entire world and everyone in it, something he constantly expressed. Worse yet, every once in a while - I'd say at least once or twice a month - he would have a complete meltdown where he would scream and insult me as well as destroying inventory in our home. I remember growing up with wall paintings and pictures being strategically placed in order to cover holes in walls and doors that my father had made during his rages.
*2) Narcissistic inheritance:* For a long time, I was my father's 'flying monkey', defending his behaviour and often even benefitting from it. And to my great dismay, I've had narcissistic traits myself -- including the rage, unfortunately. Only a couple of years after my own son was born, I became aware of the narcissistic abuse I had been subjected to and I fell into a deep depression which motivated me to seek counselling, thus enabling me to break the 'family tradition'. I believe my rebellious nature as well as my drug abuse during my 20s (I've been clean for over 20 years now) stems from having had to endure the abuse from my father.
same
Aamaaazzzinggg.. Thank you for this.. Blessings to you 💫
RTC1655 thank you
My narcissistic ex did exactly the same thing with my son. Incredible rager-huge temper tantrums. Breaking things in the house.
I feel it
my dad verbally and physically abused me as a kid ‘til my teens. completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. i went from a child prodigy to nothing. it affected my drive in life and fear of failure. i’m in my early 30s and still living there, my fault i guess. just barely realized that therapy and moving out/being self sufficient is one of the main cures. wishing the best for everyone dealing with a narc, may the people who suffer feel peace someday.
Same thing happened to me. My narcissistic parents literally became more abusive when I was being recognized by teachers as being too advanced for my age group, when I started college at a young age and that is when there was a lot of undermining instead of support. When I became a young adult going to university, I entered this age as a weakened, low self-esteem, and depressed young person, and I ended up not doing well at school. Not being able to get a job was when the narcissistic abuse became more nightmarish as they began to always say that they had always been right that I was always sick and useless. It was constant fighting and undermining. They didn't let me recover from illness and were already pushing me to leave when I didn't have a job and was ill. The narcissists literally made me retrogress and erase that identity of success that I envisioned. My 20s were characterized by how I got undermined and my self-esteem and identity trampled, and now my 30s is recovering and reinstating the previous identity I had, although I fell behind now and cannot compete in the job market. I even laugh at myself for being on UA-cam at 30s, didn't imagine myself watching this kind of videos wasting time, imagined myself in an academic career in research. Hence, why narcissists create problems so that you can waste your time on the problem not on growth.
I'm in the same place my friend. We can and will be successful
My Narcissistic father destroyed me. My spirit, my happiness, and my sanity. I’m now older, trying desperately to reparent myself and relearn how to navigate the world. But as I learn more about these videos, I see the damage is so so deep.
I didn’t realize how much damage my narcissistic father had done to me until I was 24. I’ve been working hard at undoing that damage for years now. There were so many toxic habits I had, that I had learned from him. This video described every single thing I’ve gone through, in an almost scarily accurate way.
Same. Except it took me until I was in my mid-30's and raising a family of my own before the friction came to a head. Your description is painfully accurate. The damage was done in terms of how I was taught or not taught to regard other people, and I've been trying to undo it ever since realizing it. Thankfully my wife has been patient, loyal, and supportive while I figure it out.
Same here. 24 now and i’m going through all the memories and antics in my head thru the years. Constant insults and negative comments to my face yet will brag about me and even boast about my accomplishments (I sold two houses for 500k each as a realtor) he’ll go to people on the phone “Oh yeah my sons doing real estate with me and he’s killing it selling millions of dollars worth of real estate!) 500k + 500k = 1 million total = dad says I’m selling millions!
Meanwhile insult and demean me since I’m a kid. Never said sorry for the terrible things. Never apologized. Never admitted being wrong. Etc. i’m glad i found similar stories here. I’m just now starting to seek help on how to cope and get my sh** together.
To be fair. Quite a few Teachers have damaged many people; especially people from special education in previous generations.
You did Overt narcissist Father and son,......Please do one with covert Narcissist and Son....I believe that's what my Father was
Yeah me too. I was hoping he was doing both.
I think that's what I am
My father talks to people outside for hours, not that much with us. And he still farts next to us. I think he has traits of covert narcissism.
Thank you for making this video Dr. Grande. I hope you also do one about the vulnerable narcissistic mother and her son. Great topics you're doing lately about narcissistic parent(s) and their children 😃
I'm female, this was still largely my relationship with my Father. My brother died, so I was the replacement. He never got sick of telling me just how much my brother and I looked alike, so I'm sure that helped him pretend I was my brother.
Every one of these was true for my father with my older brother. He was distant and disowning with me. My older brother is now a sociopath. I've been recovering my entire adult life.
Sociopaths and narcissists are not the same thing.
A narcissist will breed a narcissist or a codependent.
Sociopaths and psychopaths are a special kind, different from narcissists.
The narcissists force the world to revolve around them, they are weak and ferral.
Psychopaths are cold, calculated and meticulous, they work in silence and shadows. They do not force people to do their will, they go after it.
@@mushroommagic1697 agreed
4:34 - So true. My son’s father always tells him to not trust women, etc. And men too. I’m so glad I left him 9 years ago. Our 10yo son lives with me so, thankfully, his dad doesn’t have a lot of time to teach our son these toxic, maladaptive ‘lessons’ about women. Also, he expects our son to call him on the phone, instead of him (the dad, the adult) calling his son. Sometimes he gets angry if son doesn’t call him, or he gets hurt/sensitive assuming that son doesn’t want to talk to him.
I could say so much more about his style of parenting, and co-parenting. He is not what I consider a good, solid, upstanding example of a man for our son.
Good on you for getting your son away from him. You’ve assuredly spared your son a lot of pain and trauma because narcissists almost never get better, its just their personality. I wish i had gotten away from my father sooner but i am so thankful that i had a loving mother who had the courage to take on his role as well. Im sure when your son grows up he will be thankful for courage to get away from a toxic person.
I've just started avoiding him....has helped me being sane and less depressed lately.
I just don't mind his taunts to belittle my achievements and I've even started working harder to burn him even more and man the motivation it gives me is amazing😂
Let's see how this goes.
Sameee
I hope everything is going well with you guys !!!!
Will be looking forward to a video on the “distant” narcissistic father\son relationship.
There are two types... the engulfing and the ignoring...and then there are sociopathic Narcissistic fathers.
yeah same
I live 8,000 miles away and still can’t escape my abusive family.
@@sonnyca you need to stop giving them any fuel/ attention! Make them irrelevant to your life. That's the only way to make them self destruct!! Take back your power. Do nothing because of anything they say or do or will do etc. Live your life well, the way YOU want to and think is right... Grow, evolve, enjoy and be amazing. Don't dull your shine! They will only suffer for it! You can't help them and you can only help yourself. Do not look to them for any approval, appreciation or validation. They are incapable. Grow in self-love, self-trust, self-value. Self-approve, self-validate, learn to be who you truly are and were truly meant to be and forget their false narrative of you. Detach yourself emotionally from them. I can't say it enough... Make them irrelevant and make sure the good people who matter know you for your true and good self and for your good actions. Don't care about the rest! Narc abuse is a learning experience. It's meant to help us grow in our power and truth. It's meant to help us grow and evolve and enlighten others! I'm sorry if you're already doing all this!! :)
Ragnarok I’m sorry!
My father fucked my mental state up beyond belief and still does to this day. Thank you for this video.
One of the things that drives me the nuts the most is that when they want to reconcile with you or "work on our relationship" basically all they want to do is sit down with you and explain to you how everything that's ever been wrong between you two is actually your fault and he wouldn't have done any of the bad stuff if it wasn't for you being the way that you are.
My FIL is like this. He walked into our home in what was suppose to be a moment to solve an issue we had with my FIL and the first thing out of his mouth was “this is how the conversation is going to go” and proceeded to blame his son for making him react the way he did and that his son is the one who should be apologizing, not him.
@@WitchesandNature Please tell me at least one of you told him precisely how full of garbage he is and his behavior is the problem.
Exactly what happens to my son ( and daughter). I am so mortified.
Wow, this episode hit home.
My experience:
1) *Check* -- Admiration in young adulthood. Significant influence indeed.
2) *Semi-check* -- Teaches maladapted behaviour; not so clear, except a constant putdown of everyone we knew, even his best friends.
3) *Check* -- Meddling in having children.
4) *Check* -- Grandiose personality. Also very problematic if I didn't fulfill his fantasies to perfection, which, of course, was impossible.
5) *Check* -- Very present emotionally; at the same time never interested in, or rather incapable of understanding, whatever I felt.
6) *Check* -- This happened to me and was extremely painful. I was 'replaced' by the son of a billionaire, impossible for me to compete.
7) *Semi-check* -- They're divorced alright but he didn't act divisive (or at least not more than usually)
I'd say my father was a vulnerable narcissist as well as a grandiose narcissist. It seemed to go from the one to the other rather seamlessly. He was very charming when _grandiose_ , but rather acting like a 'wounded animal' while _vulnerable_ , with a constant rage and a look of pain in his eyes.
I can relate....and it's all got to do with their miserable childhood you come to realize such people shouldn't have kids. I hate how they tried to ruin my high school years. Thanks to a loving woman I was able to confront this in my 20s early and then they gas light you up. Videos like these help alot
That!🎯 they oscillate btw spectrums of NPD. Most important to point that out to those who have never encountered, lived or endured childhood with this mentally disordered ppl.
Thank you Doc! My mother and mother-in-law 100%. It’s like living in a nightmare. I know how to handle my mother but have went “no contact “ with my mother-in-law for a year so far. I’m staying strong so I won’t collapse into miss treatment once more. Thank you!
Your videos are wonderful. I so enjoy listening as I know it comes from real research and clinical data. Thank YOU!
It's amazing how my father fulfills 6 out of these 7 signs. It's so frustrating living with narcissistic people. As a kid I really looked up to him, thinking how great he was and that he was always right. But in my teenage years I realized how wrong I was. Sadly my mom is constantly fighting with him for sometimes useless things but they don't want to divorce. My heart rushes when I hear them fighting and I get extremely anxious all the time. Sometimes I am scared that I might become like him because I don't have any other father figure in my life and I don't know what way to behave to be like him. I hate this situation since years. I hope that I can move away as quickly as possible.
Bro do you wanna talk. You just basically described my situation perfectly.
i feel you man, 1000%. my dad verbally and physically abused me as a kid ‘til my teens. completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. i went from a child prodigy to nothing. it affected my drive in life and fear of failure. i’m in my early 30s and still living there, my fault i guess. just barely realized that therapy and moving out/being self sufficient is one of the main cures. wish the best for you my man god bless you.
Dr Grande, we your subscribers are so blessed and grateful to you for all the time and dedication you give to your videos, we cannot receive insights and professional counselling at our fingertips anywhere like you give, there is often no other options but to scan all the available general literature out there, please except our collective gratitude for all your efforts.👏
I recall my uncle and his son. My cousin had an interest in chess while his father was obsessed with it. My uncle drove him to compete in school, which he did and enjoyed it. But when it came to the high school championship he entered, my cousin got 2nd place only to be berated in front of everyone by my uncle and told that if he isn't 1st he's nothing. My cousin kept his trophy and tried to feel proud of it, but it always reminds him of how his father can reduce him at any moment to a little boy that is never good enough even decades later.
Can you go over some ideas on how another parent could help a child survive a narcissistic parent or rather, how a parent could do to help mitigate the damage, aside from therapy? Obviously, each situation would be very unique but maybe based upon the general signs?
Yes!! I have been wanting to hear about this particular thing!! I want to know what I can do as the mother to help my son whose father is a narcissist and who sees him very often and consistently. My son is a teenager, a kind young man, and yet I can see how my son is being influenced negatively with almost sounding narcissistic himself sometimes, and my son struggles to please his father, says his father is his best friend and never wants to disappoint him in the least. I observe maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors and lots of enmeshment between his father and him. I have to walk a very fine line with my son who is hyper sensitive about his father. I have overlooked a lot because I didn’t want to hurt my son by telling him the truth about his father, and yet I realize now that I am the only one teaching my son and my son’s only hope at learning what he needs to learn about life and relationships in order to have a healthy life. Right now my son works so hard to be everything his dad needs him to be which is why his dad showers him with approval and treats him like they are college roommates... yet even small differences, and I have seen his dad become quit nasty toward his son. I fear the day my son decides to be his own person, and I wonder what I can do to lessen the blow and support my son in a healthy self identity and self love.
Amira Hamwia I fought and resisted my narc father and paid a brutal price while my younger brother pandered to and defended him. I have a long-term marriage with sons who don’t know depression while my brother is very narcissistic and unmarried still at 55. His one son is now diagnosed with BPD. So you are not imagining things your son is in true danger. Somehow you need to get him the hell away from his father.
Yes PLEASE!!!!
Marc Smith My son is three and witnessed the verbal and emotional abuse of his father’s narcissistic rages toward me (his mother) almost daily now. It’s gotten quite bad. Unfortunately, I stay home with our children now and don’t have independently income or family support where we live- so I don’t have much option just to pick up and go. My husband tries to recruit my toddler son on his tirades against me, however my son is a loving person and most often tells his dad to stop yelling and be nice and to apologize. But sometimes he starts yelling at me like his dad does or telling me that daddy is right. I don’t know how to protect my son (who has SUCH a good, empathetic heart) from becoming anything like his father. It’s really hard. And I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking it’s okay for men to treat her that way. It’s sad that our three year old son has become the “man” in the home who often tries to improve his daddy’s mood by telling him he loves him and he’s happy he’s home. And then tells him to stop yelling and to apologize when he’s in a tirade. It’s sad.
Abdul Hafiz My son going through the same experience. Stay strong and try to surround yourself with people who support you. Continue to educate yourself on NPD and learn what you can do when you are in his presence.. Wishing you all the best!
So sad for my older son. His dad cuts him down whenever he achieves more than his dad ever could. Yet also cuts him down for not achieving whatever his dad has done. A no win situation for him. You hit #4 perfectly. Tragically, even. Also, cannot emphasize enough the transactional nature of a narcissist's pov of any relationship and that their own financial gain or preservation determines their participation in any relationship at all.
As a narcissistic father with a grown son, this video has shown me areas of my narcissism in raising my son that will be great discussion material for my efforts to understand myself and help my son to not be like me with narcissistic behavior.
I wish my dad would change. He’s 68 I’m 32 and I completely hate everything about him. I have BPD because of him
you described my father 100% and made me hate him even more lol
Same
You couldn't have possibly hit the nail on head any better here, this is more than perfectly clarifying and putting into words how me and my brothers relationship with my father was. I watch all your videos and there are more than insightful and helpful. Thank you for doing what you do.
Wow...that just absolutely pegged my kid’s father who has completely isolated my son. I literally have been squeezed out of his life so that he may play out his sick ego through our son. My heart sits broken yet hopeful. The egos, the surfing, the surfing contests, he is overly involved in my son’s every move. It’s awful.
Made it nearly 10 minutes in before I realized that you were not talking about NPD but just narcissistic traits. I'm sure nearly everyone has some, my dad definitely does but I love him for who he is and am thankful for the good times we have had. I don't blame him for many of the issues I have had in my life, I choose to take responsibility for my own actions. Love yourself and treat others how you wish to be treated.
I've never known what it's like to have a loving father. My brothers and I were abused ever since we were younger and I'm having emotional breakdowns now. I have a fear of relationships because it seems like when I leave, I end up with another narcissist. I moved out three years ago because of the abuse, but I ended up with a narcissistic roommate. It got so bad that I moved back in with my family, but my dad continued the abuse like nothing happened, and it's worse than ever before.
@NelyL Thanks for asking. Yes. I'm fine. I have a few wonderful friends who've helped me move away and have been there for me when I need them and have helped me heal and set me up with counseling and even helped me get a good job.
I now have a stable relationship with my father and my brothers, but I've set boundaries and don't see them more than once or twice a week.
It makes me so mad how my narc husband treats our children ( one son and one daughter.) He is not a good father in any way. He does next to nothing with them but believes he’s father of the year. 🙄 while constantly criticizing them and flying into narcissistic rages when I stick up for them.
Why are you still married to him when he abuses your children? Due to your children's exposure to narc. abuse, they can become his cohort in abuse towards others....another narcissist. Dud you listen intently to Dr. Grande's video?
That’s is literally my life. And it’s tragic. Our son is three and our daughter is two and he thinks he’s he best dad in the whole world because he actually feels love for them. But his idea of “present” is being on the same property but not actively engaging with them. He does NONE of the parenting (he will make them breakfast occasionally- after asking me what they can eat- and he changed our son’s diapers often and bathed him often, but will not do those things with our daughter) but doesn’t miss an opportunity to yell at them for not listening or criticize my about a 2 and 3 year old not listening or being disrespectful (gee, welcome to toddlers.) Luckily, his rages are almost always directed at me. But unfortunately, he verbally and emotionally abuses me in front of them nearly daily and recruits our son on his tirades against me, which is so disturbing. Our son is more mature than he is and usually tells him to stop yelling and to be nice. It’s sick. And everyone thinks he’s such a good father because he talks adoringly about our children, but he does NOTHING with them as a parent. Watching a movie on the same couch as your child isn’t parenting. It’s so infuriating. But of course, the narc tries to convince US that WE are the problem. We are the narc or the unfit parent in whatever moment they feel any type of way. While in lucid moments I hear how I’m the best mom in the entire world and no one could be better for our kids than me. He’s insane. And it makes me so scared for our children. That last thing I want is for our son to end up anything like him.
@@Tara-id3rk smh same here 💔😔💪
Ditto
@@prometheuspredator7971 Guessing you've never had a narc parent who provided the roof and food keeping you alive, huh?
Nobody sticks with one because they want to. Most people only stick with one because they have no other alternative.
4:25 My narc father didn’t say a single word to me about relationships my entire childhood!...because if he wasn’t yelling at me, he didn’t talk to me about anything. I had no idea what a relationship was, or what one was supposed to be. All I had for reference was seeing my parents relationship (which I finally realized was completely dysfunctional full of verbal abuse and fear)...but I didn’t realize that until after many failed personal relationships in my 20’s and early 30’s. I finally started learning about Narcissism years ago and have been full of shame knowing I destroyed many relationships with my narc tendencies...but also so angry at the realization I was robbed of any sort of normal childhood. I’m completely lost in life right now, and question if I have enough in me to salvage anything meaningful. I still love my dad, and terrified at the thought of him dying, as he’s much older now.....but there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll feel ‘relieved’ when he finally passes....which make me feel even worse. I’m in such a bad spot mentally.
Had a very sick narcissistic mother, married a narcissistic man, healing is life long but progress not petfection is possible. Keep on keepingon.
Recognisable. I told my father yesterday about my childhood trauma and about all the hard things he has said in which he was emotionally unsupportive and even used physical violence. I noticed that he denied everything and when he couldn't do that anymore, he downplayed it. So now I know it doesn't make sense anymore. He simply does not want or cannot see his mistakes and cannot apologize.
As a defense mechanism, he started depositing even more insults.
I'm quite sure he has traits of covert narcissism.
English is not my first language.
That’s why you just go to God because at the end of the day when it’s his day of judgment he will be judged. Keep your relationship with God strong and let everything you have in your heart to God because only he can fix you forgive him. You can’t change where you came from but you can surely change where you are headed. Don’t give your son the same fate. The more and more you give your heart to God the more and more you’ll get the understanding and how to be in a relationship. The reason why you feel this way is because an unhealthy grievance that you don’t understand that comes to all. Please talk to God what’s in your heart please. I beg you.
My friend it’s a year later after you posted this. How are you? This hit me. Nobody is entirely bad and yet I find myself wishing my father dead. He’s so selfish, rageful, anxious in a very odd way, and he can’t let anyone have a moment of joy. If he’s not mad or just completely off putting, then he is just dumping whatever bad emotions he has that day on you or raging about the same like, 5 topics. It’s such a burden, I never get asked a thing about myself. He poisons my mother and I wish him dead often and then feel like a horrible person. I get pissed that I am expected to get tense and ruin my day not only on normal days but every holiday etc.
I also have done some serious Jungian inner work but feel shame at ruining relationships in the past too. I’m 37 and single. But friend, we have the future. We can break the cycle.
Tell me you’re okay?
All I can say is wow. I came across this video bc of what I'm going through currently and most of it, if not all of it was spot on. Thank you for making this video.
This is a very different video from your others. I'd say in a good way. But, more accurately, it is desperately serious.
It is his best video so far in my opinion. Thank you.
This video really hit home. My ex-husband is a vindictive narcissist. We had 3 sons who were 8,11 and 14 when we separated. He got custody by accusing me of all sorts of things that weren't true. He brainwashed my sons about me. He took 3 beautiful and innocent children and poisoned their minds and scarred them for life. I now only have a relationship with the middle son who is 34 years old. He struggles with trust and with relationships because of what was done. It's heartbreaking for me and the grief I feel over losing my sons is difficult. Thank you so much for these videos.
I'm so sorry, this breaks my heart to read. Sending you love ❤️
@@HealingIndigoMoon Thank you so much. I have survived and it has made me very strong.
Again a wonderful clear and uncomplicated video! My grandson who is eleven ( whose father is a total nightmare to deal with) is so very heartbroken at the distancing of his father in the past 6 months. He arranges to see him, forgets, doesn’t turn up, takes him then brings him home early, turns up late. Father now has a new partner who has children. Father speaks of those children as though they are his own - fathers gain look what I got. But, when that relationship hits rocky patches father is back here trying to grab at his son and my daughter. In the last 10 days after 5 weeks of total disregard, son is taken out with father, brought home early promising to take him fishing two days later, after having enviously raged at his son on the way home. Gets back to sons home, son goes in, father calls mother out and proceeds to argue on the street for over an hour. Threatening her, her boyfriend, telling her he was going to burgle the house while we were away, totally deriding her. It was quite sadistic. He would change from verbally sadistic to smiling and trying to chat the next. All the while my grandson is afraid checking out the window listening to what is going on. Fishing day comes and goes, his father forgot, usual day he is supposed to see him comes and goes, never contacts to let him/us know he isn’t going to see him. Nothing just silence. In the past my grandson would have been very difficult to deal with after something like this. He wouldn’t say anything other than make excuses for his father. This time things have changed for him. He was angry at his father, called him all sorts of names; selfish, bully, pretends to care but doesn’t etc, cried a lot and was a tad down in the dumps. This lasted for a few days. Personally I would truly prefer if he didn’t have to cope with all that. But it is a real positive step forward for him - instead of protecting his father and lashing out at everyone, he is actually saying what he truly feels and getting angry with the right person. This time he stood directly against his father, on his way home, for his right to be free to love other people. Crying and feeling the hurt I think is actually good for him. Young children in particular boys see a grandiose narcissistic father as powerful, like Spider-Man or some such superhero. Reality for young children is largely given by the parents and children absolutely believe them. We have a way to go and pray that when we do fail (which is just as it is) that it won’t be too often or too bad. Thank you 🙏🏼
One thing my narcissistic dad does all the time is whenever I'm having issues with my children he will say "that's karma" and "you deserve it" but I was never a bad kid I just never fell in line with his narcissism crap.
Yeah, I'm never good enough for him regarding my successes and my failures. To me, my dad is a jealous guy that he has nothing on me and that is that I'm a strong and independent person and I'm not afraid to be truly expressive and fairly vulnerable enough to enjoy life. I'm happily married, no kids, got a good job and never asks my dad's help, ever.
I never comment on videos but now I’ve watched your video I found it helpful.I am the son a narcissist and if I’m totally honest, I am currently really struggling. I find myself looking up these videos on UA-cam but not to watch them anymore but instead read the comments for help. I know everyone has the same problem on here but I’ve just gotten to the point where it has consumed me so much I do not know what to do or how to handle it anymore. I am 34 years old happily married with 2 beautiful daughters and I vowed never to subject my daughters to the physical and mental abuse I was raised with. It continued in my adulthood up until about 3 years ago, until I cut all contact and I’m standing on my own 2 feet. I live my life and with my with wife and daughters by good morals and treating people how I would wish to be treated. I act strong in front of my girls and take the brunt of everything on my shoulders to protect them and would never burden them with my worries but lately I am struggling so badly and I do not know what to do anymore. I had the support of my sister and mother but that has all but vanished now too as he controls their lives financially and mentally. I thought I could take everything thrown at me and my shoulders could bare the Weight but the hardest thing now is that no one bothers with my children and it is affecting them and I feel now that this is my fault. I am heartbroken for them more than anything. My eldest daughter has autism and has enough to deal with but last week she has now started to ask me if the reason her daddy and grandfather don’t speak is because of her. She also asks is it because of her that her her grand parents don’t care for her or want to spend time with her or her little sister.
I feel with you, bro. I'm 48 and I'm struggling as well. Frankly, I believe I'll never shake it completely. Have you tried counseling? It helped me. Talking to victims of the same type of abuse seems help me even more.
Please, doctor Grande, make a video about the Golden child. My ex husband left the family 2 years ago and Now he ignores two of our children and seems to "love bomb" the youngest daughter (20 years old). And She sees him like a good father despite his horrible behaviour, his double life and his masks. He has said that She is his FAVOURITE child because She is similar to him. My doctor says that my daughter should go no contact sooner or later. I feel deep inside that she doesn't see his manipulation. She refuses to read about narcissism.
Give him time. He will eventually turn on your daughter as like with your other children. She will in someway disappoint or offend him, however small that will be. She needs to be warned that she will eventually become a target of his rage and out of control behavior. She will be another sacrificial lamb, because she did not live up to his expectations. Your daughter will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and he will explode on her. Once that happens, she will suffer and become a constant figure for him to degrade and justify himself. Please, your daughter needs to know to stay away from him. He is dangerous.
My younger sister, the golden child who "replaced" me, after I begged them to have her (because I was an innocent, lonely six year old who didn't know any better about what they might do with a sibling to me?! Plus, they wouldn't let me play with any of the neighborhood kids, but my glorified 3 years older babysitter!) Is SO BLIND to THIS!!
@@taramoonshadow363 life and experience get everyone's attention one way or another.
Spot on right here, spot on. Especially about the fantasies that a narcissistic father has with his son
Wow. Never knew I was a narcissistic father. This totally called me out. Shame it takes u to lose everyone u love to learn about urself. Keep on teaching me! I'm all ears.
Trust me, you can never admire the father enough
🎯
You are so clever Dr Grande, Great video, I learned a lot.
My Biological Dad - wouldn't stop 'Stalking' my Mom. ( This … really got into her head.) Watch out for 'clowns,' or 'bad personalities.' ::: I've purposely avoided getting a girl friend ::: just so that My Dad wouldn't get into them !!!
Daaaaamn can't you like move so you can have a girlfriend again
Are you referring to your dad flerting and hitting on her? That is gross.
this hit home...
@@lamolambda8349 = He Still didn't stop... found me while doing a Temporary Agency Job assignment, and was STILL ANGRY for the decision to relocate with Domestic Partner.
@@lamolambda8349 My Older Sister, told me - a Hospice Worker has heard of me trying to take care of a Disabled, Elderly Dude with a messed up Spinal, due to Dehabilitating Arthritus... and said. (( don't return to California State, because My Father is being a complete jerk.)) The Stage 4 Esphogus did him in 2016 of FEB
My father told me last week that he didn't want to have any more in-depth conversations together, about life. I'm 20...
This breaks my heart, but it's what I have in my home, a large part of it, anyway. This is very good work, Dr. Grande.
Sometimes.... Your own family can be the worst enemy.
Absolutely
Boy, I can't wait for more videos about my dad. Nailed it, Dr. Grande!
I love your videos. Your scientific basis and direct no frills explanations really help me sort out what I went thru growing up. I have an overt narcissist dad. One major dynamic that was prevalent in my life is what I'd call the 'succeed but don't surpass' dynamic. My dad would always belittle and insult me when I struggled in life, but when I would surpass him he would become competitive, petulant and resentful. It creates a real 'no win' dynamic where I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Also there was always a really creepy dynamic to the vicarious enmeshment when it came to me dating and having girlfriends. He would become overly encouraging if I had an interest in a girl he found attractive, flirting and even taking pictures. If I was with a girl who wasn't 'his type' he would cockblock and put limitations on my ability to pursue the relationship and express unimpressed sentiments behind her back.
@@blueskies6475 After making my initial comment, it has become clear my Dad is a genuine psychopath. He has done unspeakable things. Getting an ego trip out of cucking his own son is the least of his crimes.
Learn about them. Usually the person dealing with the narcissist is an empath that is struggling the most and an enlightened empath is a narcissist's worst nightmare.
My Father has signs of both covert and overt. He was never happy with my achievements and he tend to badmouth me to other people to make himself look good or better. He never acknowledged and recognized every food thing I did for him and the family. He is so arrogant, don't want to accept constructive criticisms. He was always right and he always thought he is the right and the best person I. the world. This has triggered my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder but despite being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I tried every step to I can to reach my dreams where he never was supportive. He keeps telling me and other people I can't make it. He used to invalidate every little thing about me. He is an irresponsiblealcoholic Father. He never sustained the family needs. I studied away from home and never listened to him. Now I am a registered nurse and a clinical instructor.
Holy cow very good, very clear, very accessible, Thanks!
Agree ! Facinating topic . Difficult situation for a son to be in . The N father can do a lot of damage .
Lived 23 whole years with my dad, name a genuine conversation I had with him? I couldn't tell u. I'm at that point where I'm not even upset anymore, a combo of worrying about my future and him being a lost cause. Can't tell which's more hopeless, the former or the latter.
Only when your doing what they want will you be seen for awhile. Don't trust narc fathers. They don't know of what they speak. Their is a lot of splitting. Object constancy is not present, multiple disaciative events and gaps in memory. When i was in high school i wrote a paper and typed it up. My mother heard my father devalue my paper. She called me upstairs and said please hand in the paper your(medical doctor) father said to write and lets see the grade he gets. F.
Oh my god my mother also enables my dad and thinks he knows everything and he sucks. Sorry friend.
Hi Todd, this video is great! The videos about narcissistic fathers are helping me a lot. Could you please do the distant narcissistic father? I can tell that a father can be enmeshed with his favourite (elder) son and indifferent with his other (younger) son. I'm not ready to reveal which of the two sons I am ;)
You're the younger.
Do I win anything?
My husband is the distant narcissist type. And it’s really sad when I see my children desperately seeking his ACTIVE attention at 2 and 3 years old. He thinks being on our property is being present- even if his face is buried in his phone or TV, or he completely dissociates from the kids climbing on him and trying to gain his attention. Only when he needs emotional support does he seek connection with them.
I think that you’re the youngest because of your insight.
Hi! Now I'm ready to reveal after surviving the pandemic unscathed. I'm the elder son with a younger brother. Interestingly I have a twin sister that is ten minutes older than me. So technically I'm the middle child! I know... weird. I have insight because I suffered my father and kinda shielded my brother without knowing. I'm no hero. My sister didn't suffer him a lot either because my father was only interested in a male "heir". Ya, mediaeval
Thank you so much for this video. This describes my FIL perfectly though he has criteria from other personality disorders as well. His father spent most of his life cutting off my husband from other people and cutting down my very sensitive and kind husband. I keep trying to help my husband heal, setting strong boundaries with my FIL, while allowing him time to unpack it on his own. I’m hoping as he ages through his 30’s and continues to gain more understanding into how his relationship with his father has impacted him.
I don’t understand this with some narcissists that they show all these qualities with their family but do not show them to others.
all signs are there in my dad..my life is a pure chaos and its always hard for me to be who i am and who my father thinks to be i am...narcissistic father's destroy the sense of self of the son/daughter...
Give your heart to God tell God how you are feeling God will fix you. You are too valuable to allow someone to have this type of power over you that’s not what God wants for you. God wants eternal life for you.
I would love to hear you talk about distant narcissistic parents. I think my dad was this type.
I've been waiting for this video for so long thank you so much Dr Grande!
Jeez Louise, this is exactly what happened to my oldest son😔 it's extremely painful and it takes a lot of healing for both my son and myself. Now that my son lives with me , the father is focused on my daughter, go watch this guy's father/daughter narcissist abuse video, narcissistic abuse seems too never end, and now the father is wanting grandkids 🤦it's a sad cycle I pray it doesn't repeat.
'You'll never amount to anything' slipped your tongue.
Glad to know how these sort of things can pass over a generation or so (no thanks to you for that, though).
Wow. Thank you so much for making this video. Incredibly insightful and helpful to anyone finding themselves in this situation as either the son of a narcissistic father or the mother the sin of a narcissistic father.
I thought I was clicking on a explainer video. But ended up listening to my biography.
Yes I agree as well. My stepson has it in his mind that life is all about success. Mainly because that is all that my stepchildren know is their fathers success. I explain that becoming a man or just simply a confident individual is also about the many times that you fall or fail, but then you gain strength by standing back up facing your problems with honor and respect and time after time till you succeed.
This basically describes my father. I am a Canadian born chinese, with "Chinese" ethnic parents. So there is a bit of a cultural paradigm shift compared to your outline, but the outline basically describes my father. My mother is just the female mother version of narcissism. It is very painfully listening to this video since it hits close to home, but I have no choice, but to watch this vid occasionally to reaffirm the truth of my life. Every time I have moved out my narcissistic parents have called me on the phone in the morning interrupting my morning routine to enforce their authority over my morning routine and thusly my life. It's quite the lamentable struggle to have 2 narcissistic parents. I literally have a degree from the school I was maneuvered into going into after doing 100 times the research a normal person would indicating that it was not the school for me. I literally have been maneuvered to go on "vacations" forcing myself to go to exotic exciting foreign countries, while half the time being trapped with the narcissistic parents with no escape route since it was a foreign country. I have been condescended and 100% regarded as an object whose words hold no meaning. To my parents I am basically an object with no soul, spirit, intelligence, autonomy for them to respect. I am but a tool to them, a medium through which they brag about either providing for and to complain about due to fabricated excuses on their part. This is my life. God speed to all my brothers and sisters with narcisstic parents, lets endeavour for a better world that is a bit more altruisitic and empathetic.
I feel for you man. I’m Canadian too but Scottish ethnic background. Same crap, different pile. Take care of yourself first and don’t worry about the emotional needs of your parents. Find an exit strategy.
@@themonrovian8441 I just found your reply. Thank you for your kind words man. I think I need to prioritize an exit strategy and accept the sacrifices I'll have to make to make it happen. Same to you man, hope you find a resolution to your situation too and find your exit strategy. Be strong brother!
Relatable
My father was absent from the beginning. That makes this video very interesting because I often do not understand the behavior of other guys, which may be the case because most of them had a (possibly narcissistic) father. Overall, I am glad I did not have these problems, it makes me cautious about wishing I have had a different childhood.
Wow! I’ve seen how this plays out from the front row and you’re right on point 🎯 The sons in my family of origin were copy/paste versions of our malignant Narcissist father.
Number 5 is specifically on point word for word in my case.
Thank you for this video. It shed light of why my father said the things to me. It turn out my father has some of the signs but not all of them. Again thank you for this video.
My dad always tells me I’m wrong, I’ve never had an opinion without him disagreeing with me. I try to have a conversation with him, but he often starts lecturing me about why my view sucks. He yells and calls me names when I disagree with him. He thinks he always knows better and always tells me I’m lying or i don’t know what I’m talking about. My mom will always agree with him no matter what I or he says. Always 2 v 1. Then he uses things he’s done for me as bribery or blackmail for me to agree with him. Frequently telling me that I never do what he says.
Oh my ..you are SO on point. My narc haired three sons: one's doing life in prison, one got murdered and the living one wants to kill the narc. He had them all think they were special.
Hi again Dr Grande you have already covered this topic, as I have only just started to watch your videos, I didn’t go back far enough... thank you, great viewing as always 💖
Oh man, my father gets jealous when I am better than him and when people say I am better than him. He tries to stop me from doing that.
Yep!!! Or when the son is merely happier than the narc father...
Jeez he explains my father in so many ways
It feels very stressing at times to just always assure my father that hes always correct or that he's"intelligent." I developed a method for making him happy just by re assuring him and telling him what he wants. The only way I can learn what hes telling me is just to pick and choose what's right or wrong in what hes saying and its really difficult, hope I make it out alright.
I think the most perfect description of a narcissistic father/son relationship is in Kafka’s Letter to My Father.
Thank you so much for this my dad is a narc finally i understand Why he is always talking complete shit to me
All fathers, I think, want to help their children avoid issues, or manage issues, that were emotionally charged for them. It is virtually an unconscious motivation to act. It occurs to me that a narcissistic father operates out of his own agenda, rather than helping their child make decisions about what they want for themselves.
In a divorce situation, it is difficult to respond to situations a child speaks about, when you have a different perspective than your ex spouse.
Based on your other videos, my dad is a textbook narcissist. However, this video doesn't describe his relationship to me and my brother. He has always treated us as 'competition'. He's on a mission to prove to the world that he's better than us and that we're stupid, worthless, and incapable. His directive is to kick us down, keep us down, and make a spectacle of it. He dismisses our successes and mocks our failures. He treats us like a joke to our families and everyone else.
I will reiterate in one of your previous videos that narcissism is insidious because it is very subtle. Most of what he does appears as normal family interactions, and people respond as such. But really, he revels in our misery.
When my parents broke up, my dad took my mom's side against the kids. Complicated dynamic.
He remarried a woman who's literally the female version of him. She's angry, spiteful, and HATES me and my brother.
So interesting! Could you please do a video on the relationship between a borderline mother and daughter?
I want to stop pointing fingers to my father or anyone. now, that I am a father myself, I'm focusing my energy on how to be a good father and not how to avoid being a bad father. It is much harder to stop doing things than to do things.
No father is perfect however my father maybe just doing what he thinks is best at that moment.
( imagine - having an angry STEP FATHER, that wants to remove weaknesses.)
@philbyification Why ?
This is very useful. I'm extremely reactive to narcissists and I'm at the stage of wanting to know how they get that way to begin with.
Pertinent and helpful, plus I love your quiet sense of humour
You've given me a new insight into my family dynamic.
I always felt like my father showed all these narcissistic qualities within my family but never showed them to others!
My dad once said that all strangers are idiots until they've proven the opposite.
My sons father is this type of person. My son, who is 13, has been groomed since our divorce at 2 years old to side with his dad. Now my son wants to live with his dad. It is heartbreaking to go through this when I know what I’m up against with a narcissist. I will fight for my son. We are going to counseling. But I am also letting him stay with his father on a trial basis. I hope that my son can break free from the enmeshment and use his own mind to see that I am not the bad guy. That I love him as much as his dad does.
Yes please do because that day of judgement will come to him sooner rather than later. I hope both of you get a revelation where you two are at an equal understanding. I hope now 2021 God gave you too the understanding so that your son has a brighter future not involving so much drama. I feel for your family in this situation.
@@blueskies6475 fighting for my son did work. I didn’t let him go live with his dad 100%. Counseling for both of us did work. My son and I now have a great relationship. My son is seeing his dad in a different way as he matures and isn’t under his dads influence as severely as before. My son has grown and matured and he still comes to my house every other week. My son is so intelligent and has to come to terms with his fathers personality and I just need to be here to support him. To encourage him to be himself and make his own decisions. He’s a great kid.
Thanks for the video! I don't see one about mother/son issues. Have you done one?
Can you do grandiose narcissist with distant to daughters?
Yes please.
Spot on! Once I decided I didn’t want to be my dad he became disgusted with me, the faces he makes when I tell him my political views/ passions and life motivations he looks at me with disdain or straight up calls me stupid and misguided from the people who live where I live now/ my college teachers.
I used to think he was a superhero, capable of more than anyone because that’s how he painted himself.
He always referenced Scarface “first comes the money, then the power, then the women” so don’t focus on valuing or respecting a women until you’re successful.
He taught me manipulative tactics to deal with bullies, conniving methods like sneak attacks. “Cut it at the umbilical cord” he used to say about people that would try to “disrespect” me at all but especially in front of others because then others would think I’m weak or an easy target. “Once you beat up someone brutally enough, no one else will try you, and when someone does, do it again to refresh their memory”.
When I would come short of his expectations, I would be hit or yelled at extensively. His anger would be out of control and he to this day says he doesn’t recollect any of the physical or verbal abuse. Gaslighting to the max.
The most spot on thing u said was how he turned me against my own mother, who raised me my first 8 years while he was in prison. My mom would sometimes suggest I live with my dad once I started acting exactly like him, and he would tell me to “call her bluff and she’ll learn not to do that”. Now in my last relationship I would do that when I was very upset and we would break up for no reason at all other than my own narcissistic tendencies.
Thank you for the guidance, you’re a saving grace for me.