10 Signs of a Mother with Vulnerable Narcissism | Mother-Son Relationship
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- Опубліковано 10 тра 2024
- This video answers the question: Can I analyze the characteristics of a mother with vulnerable narcissistic traits, specifically in the context of a mother-son relationship?
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Joseph P. Forgas,, Rebekah East. On being happy and gullible: Mood effects on skepticism and the detection of deception. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 44 (2008) 1362-1367
DASHINEAU, EDERSHILE, SIMMS, AND WRIGHT. Pathological Narcissism and Psychosocial Functioning, Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment. 2019, Vol. 10, No. 5, 473-478
dx.doi.org/10.1037/per0000347
Miller, J., Gentile, B., Wilson, L., & Campbell, W. K. (2013). Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism and the DSM-5 Pathological Personality Trait Model. Journal of Personality Assessment, 95(3), 284-290. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Neufeld, D. C., & Johnson, E. A. (2016). Burning with envy? Dispositional and situational influences on envy in grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Journal of Personality, 84(5), 685-696. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Rohmann, E., Neumann, E., Herner, M. J., & Bierhoff, H.-W. (2012). Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism: Self-construal, attachment, and love in romantic relationships. European Psychologist, 17(4), 279-290. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Kealy, D., & Rasmussen, B. (2012). Veiled and Vulnerable: The Other Side of Grandiose Narcissism. Clinical Social Work Journal, 40(3), 356-365. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Derry, K. L., Ohan, J. L., & Bayliss, D. M. (2019). Toward understanding and measuring grandiose and vulnerable narcissism within trait personality models. European Journal of Psychological Assessment, 35(4), 498-511. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Mechanic, K., & Barry, C. christopher. barry@usm. ed. (2015). Adolescent Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism: Associations with Perceived Parenting Practices. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(5), 1510-1518. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Vize, C., Crowe, M., Sleep, C., Maples, K. J. L., … Campbell, W. K. (2018). Vulnerable narcissism is (mostly) a disorder of neuroticism. Journal of Personality, 86(2), 186-199. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Sandage, S. J., Jankowski, P. J., Bissonette, C. D., & Paine, D. R. (2017). Vulnerable narcissism, forgiveness, humility, and depression: Mediator effects for differentiation of self. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(3), 300-310. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
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These mothers fill themselves up by tearing their child down. - and then denying it if anyone catches them at it .
They smile sweetly while they are doing it, too
@@yu12si7 Not always.. I don't recall my mother smiling pleasantly. But I don't really recall her being caught by anyone outside the family, i.e. anyone that couldn't be compelled into silence.
@@yu12si7 I don't know about smiles. But she never kissed me, like never (i'm 40 now). One time I remember when I was 22 or something it was my birthday...she tried .. like '...I need to to show him that I'm capable of loving my child' and it came out awkward and forced, so she never tried that again lol new trick didn't work)
I see them doing to anyone who will act subordinate
@@yu12si7 I agree with you. They appear as nice, especially to the outside world but in reality, they are being destructive (their motive)
My mother is a narcissist. I haven’t spoken to her in 5 and a half years and it’s been such a huge relief to my husband and I. We need to protect our children.
I am so sorry to everyone who was raised by narcissistic parents. I have so much empathy for you all with having to be exposed to that your entire childhood.
You can do something about it now as an adult. Go to therapy, go no contact with your parent(s) if you need to. Things CAN get better for you. YOU are NOT broken. ❤️ Much Love ❤️
This is where I am . My mom has driven me and my twin brother out of her life . (On top of her kicking us out) told her we were leaving anyways . We weren’t really ready for it I just had to sell my car when it broke down for money because we’re hotel hopping. We just started a tile and flooring business and we’re on our first job and that paid for hotels gas and food we’re out of money now and gas and food not sure what we’re gonna do we could really use some support right now . We haven’t been in contacts for a couple months and it’s been very nice . But we’re not ready to be out yet it’s a hard time to start a business and get your own place and we’re doing both at once . Without s dollar in my pocket .
I still have to live with my mother because of my mental health problems. I can’t work & I’m on welfare and my mother owns her own house. She throws me out of the house constantly then let’s me back to do it again. My mother gets pleasure out of messing with my safety and stability. My mental health is so bad because of her rubbish. But now the tables have turned and she desperately needs me so I guess I might see a few changes. Thanks for your comment it was really lovely
@@grantclarke180 I'm in the same sinking ship
Thank you
I went no contact for the second time 4 years ago. She continues to reach out to friends and family “checking up” on my kids. My wife and I have been doing great since the no contact. It’s not an always choice, but necessary.
"I have to love you because I'm your mother, but I don't like you very much."
Yes…. The only true maternal love is a selfless love…
The reluctant love of a ‘false mother’ is always dissatisfied, always expects to get something from the child… In essence the mother is trying to be just like a needy child so the child can forget its needs and instead act more like a supportive adult to the childish parent. Worse still when it’s a single parent or when there are two parents both undeveloped and immature.
People don’t consider that parenting is a job for a grown up, or else to make you one.
Wow I know way too much about this for a lay person.
@@j_freed yes immature parents..... not good, was my situation
That's how I feel, it's a gutt thing. Feel she doesn't and didn't like me. It's messed my head up 🙏
@@bereal6590 - not good, no.
… And I think parents who are withholding of love and support normally don’t raise children who can easily give back to them in return… they raise emotionally underdeveloped children, so the irony is the parent’s passive-aggressive dissatisfaction just make them ultimately frustrated people.
…. Children of such immature, needy parents have to find a self-belief elsewhere… for me it was an Aunt who sitting with me there I one day realized ‘wow, this person has a bigger vision for my life than I have for myself…’ I really needed that. It was the parenting I had as yet consistently lacked.
… Without blowing smoke at me, this other family member taught me to believe in myself and not have a doubting view of everything as I had been taught. We can have some bad programming, we have to snap out of it… Life moves on quickly.
My mom was a vulnerable narcissist. She manipulated people by acting helpless and in need of rescue. She was a master manipulator into getting others to feel sorry for her and to do everything for her. Then she would turn around and devalue the very people who came to her aid. When I finally saw the light at 42 years old, I was gaslighted so bad that I began to question my own sanity. That woman was never ever held accountable for her terrible behavior towards others. It was insanity to its very core
Me too. Glad the veil was lifted even if it took 42 years. Now the healing can begin.
So glad to hear.please helping it will rake a while.y mother still believes I should do jobs for her. As I did since O was 12yrs old. She's controlled me a lot. I'm now 50yrs old. Now I can make excuses for avoiding her, tell ger I'm ill ,or helping my son,my husband, going to work. She doesn't like to hear the word no!.
Oh well,thats her problem.
😏
I’m so sorry mate in time you will heal. You’re awesome
I wish I could talk to someone about this
My mom was sexually abusing me. No one would believe me and my dad dint want to go to jail. She refused to let me date, hit me, burned me with cigarettes, and stole from me. I actually did nothing but show love to my mom. I've been used by my family. Its hard to see what my future will hold anymore.
1. External Locus of Control: Mom believes her emotions are controlled by others & doesn't recognize she can change internally. She is therefore more prone to co-morbid conditions like Anxiety and Depression, due to her high neuroticism.
2. Victim-Mindset. But her anger is primarily ditected internally, rather than externally as with a Grandiose Narcs.
3. Unforgiving. Mom says she forgives but brings up past mistakes as leverage and manipulation for future favors from son.
4. Good at picking up deception and social cues in others because Mom is looking for threats to turn into arguments.
5. Believes her status a Mom entitles her to be the only important person in her son's life, so she doesn't have to work at the relationship.
6. Vindictive in a subtle way, e.g. sells son's stuff.
7. Insecure, and will predict son will abandon her, but not in a frantic way like BPD. She doesn't want to lose the affection of the son.
8. Blames the son for her own narcisism by saying she wants a close relationship, but then claims the son doesn't love her "enough," or is not trying hard enough. She also has terrible listening skills and is shallow and impressionistic (lacking details), thereby making it harder for the son to have a deep, meaningful relationship with her.
9. Unhappy with her life. Doesn't see herself as successful, but presents herself to others as competent and wonderful. Fishes for compliments to feed her low self-esteem.
10. Has very little trust in others, and has a "Hostile-Attribution-Bias:" sees ambiguous situations as hostile when they're not, and acts out in condescending/arrogant ways and antagonizes people. When the antagonized person speaks up because she has antagonized them, she believes it confirms they were "out to get her." Creates a vicious cycle. Mom may ask son to intervene and defend her, creating a no-win situation for the son.
You're welcome UA-camrs!🥰 And thank you Dr. Grande!!!🙏🙏🙏
MY LIFE!!!! IT SUCKS
thank you for the summary you're a life saver!
The mother mad or sad-since 1950- the one son turned woman hater & he never forgives either. Mother always GLARED.
this was my “mom”. my life was absolute hell
ty both of you !!!
In my early twenties: My brother had been dead (suicide) for two days. My mother wanted me to crawl into bed with her, but I said no, that I needed breathe and move around (I hate being confined when in pain). She wailed, and said, "Why did it have to be him (my brother) when you're the maladjusted one?" I understood a great deal at that moment, and couldn't move for several minutes. (It was frightening to realize your own mother is evil (a word I am skeptical of), a threat, Then I left the apartment. I have only seen her a few times since.
My brother didn't stand a chance, but how could either of us have known?
That's very sad to hear. I can't imagine that coming from a mother's mouth to her son, not to mention at a point when you are also trying to deal with the raw loss of your brother (likely w/o much support). I'm so sorry you went thru that and had to absorb such an appalling statement. I'm also very sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm familiar with the complexity of dealing with a suicide, though not quite as close as a sibling. I hope you are doing much better now that you've decreased your time with your mother, and I wish you continued success with that.
You couldn't have known. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be a topic most therapists know about. Only NOW does it seem to be catching attention whilst everyone seems to be becoming more and more narcissistic. It's insane. I'm so sorry about your brother. I hope you're doing well ❤️
@@jlnriddick sorry for your loss, both for your brother and the relationship that isn't possible with your mom.. I've been trying to figure out the dynamic between my husband and his mom for over 15 years..I absolutely couldn't wrap my head around how she treated him.. as a mom I'm so happy if my kids are happy.. I just can't imagine resenting them for being happy! It's mind blowing.. honestly I don't know how any children of moms like this survive at all, and if they survive she makes sure they won't thrive, my husbands brother also committed suicide, and I know he's struggled as well.. give yourself some credit for recognizing it and removing yourself.. it sounds like you figured it out way faster than we did!! Best of luck overcoming the issues she put on you
@@AMM3. Hi Emma, based on the kind content of your comment, I think you meant to direct this to the OP (Todd Boothbee). It was likely addressed to me as the last person to reply on this thread, but I'm sure Todd would appreciate the words you've left for him.
@@jlnriddick right you are.. missed that.. thanks very much
I cant believe how much this describes my mom. She has never really seemed to love me unless other people were around. Its like her life goal to hurt my feelings as often as possible.
I hear that, Me and my brother have always said that my mum is a completely different person when there’s someone else around.
Yes same here. They are disgusting.
Right there with you. Only consolation is I am a FAR better parent then my mother could have ever been.
My mom only seems to care about me when there's something I can do for her or if she has bad news. I don't remember her ever once asking me what was on my mind or how I was feeling. It was always about her and what was going on in her life. She never picks up the phone to call me but has my siblings ask me why I haven't contacted her if it's been a while. She uses her bad health as leverage for emotional manipulation, making me feel bad for her until I send her money for doctor's or meds or something. Also, she has no one to blame for her bad health but herself. She's been smoking cigarettes since she was 12. She is now 44 and she looks like the crypt keeper. Her fingers are going numb and black and she's already had 2 heart attacks. Yet she insists on smoking to her grave because "they keep her out of jail." I've sent her multiple lists of super foods and smoothies she can consume to prevent cancer and other illnesses causes by smoking and she gave me a bunch of excuses as to why she can't eat it but she eats whatever she wants anyway? She is always talking about how miserable she is and how much she misses me but she's a big part of what drove me away in the first place. As a matter of fact, my whole family is. She insists that it was my step dad that didn't want me around but she was being shady even after they separated. And now I'm conveniently hearing stories of abuse and victimization; trying to force a guilt trip so I buy into their insanity. I love my family very deeply, but I recently came to realize that I've been blaming myself for *their* shitty behavior and I'm not going to be doing that anymore. Also, I am aware that I was ironically talking about myself while being upset about someone talking about themselves. I apologize. I only meant to illustrate that I also understand the frustrations of dealing with narcissism in the family.
@@pilgrimoffaith5320 no worries man I get it. It took me over 30yrs to realize that 1) I wasn't a horrible person who was born bad and 2) I could love my mom for who she was but had to stop expecting anything different from her. So I set good boundaries and for the most part it's tolerable lol
My husband's mother is most definitely a narcissist. My first clue were the enlarged ornately framed glamour shots of her all over her house. The picture I find most disturbing is the one in the main guest bathroom. The eyes follow you as you use the facilities. Joking aside, she's a pretty destructive person. She physically abused my husband until he was 15 which left him with deep emotional scars. We handle her by setting very firm boundries, not allowing her to visit our home, never allowing her to care for our children and when we visit her, we keep the visits short and only talk about 'surface' issues like the weather, her, work, her, family, her...her...her , then we leave.
That’s very civil and pragmatic of you. Thanks for setting a great example.
Jennifer, good job!
I live with mine
My husbands Mom has all 10 of these traits. I do not want to leave my kids alone with her. My husband thinks I'm "crazy, and overreacting" She is coming for Christmas and I am filled with so much anxiety. I don't know where to turn.
@@RICHGIRLASMR I know the feeling! Your husband has to say that or he will validate everything
Control is a big thing for all narcissists but especially the vulnerable narcissist. My late mother was a VN and she controlled me to the nth degree. I was not permitted to have boundaries. In fact, by the time that I was 12 years old, I had learned and believed that it was out of the question for me to say no.
I’m 57 now. I left home at 18 because of other reasons (a violent, alcoholic father), and spent most of my early adulthood unpicking the damage done by my VN mother. Lots of therapy and the good luck of falling into good, healthy groups of friends, and I eventually developed the skill of setting boundaries. It was not an easy journey. I carried a lot of guilt and a strong sense that I was doing something wrong whenever I said no. Even if others accepted my no, I still felt the guilt for days, sometimes weeks afterwards.
Today, I have no problems saying no or setting any kind of boundary with people. In fact, if I say no and the person I say no to has a meltdown, I know that I’m in the presence of a VN.
Another good video. Thank you 🙏
My Mom has every single one of these traits. It's so crazy to me that someone that you're supposed to be able to trust the most is actually someone who goes out of their way to hurt you. I had to learn how to walk away.
me too.
You are speaking about my Mother! Thank you for clearing up 27 years of confusion about why she was so angry, violent and manipulative.
This is my mother. I recently discovered 'covert emotional Incest and that my mother did this to me from around age 5-6. I cannot function in life, I am co-depentant, have no sense of self, cannot hold down a job, am plagued by insecurities, depression etc, can't form romantic relationships etc. I'm 30 y.o. and never had a GF... she has pretty much inhibited me from forming my own life.
"Vulnerable narcissists are dissatisfied with life but don't like being told they're a failure. They want to be recognized for how wonderful and competent they are, so they fish for compliments."
Doc, if I could cry like I could a decade ago, I would. That hurt... because it's a ongoing theme in my life, and it's true.
Thank you, I will try to remember this every time I see someone who I think is a failure (more so than myself, that is) and try to make them feel great about something .
Pathetic and sad souls
Thank you for noting that covert narcissism in women often presents as borderline.
The character of Marie Barone from “Everybody Loves Raymond” is a perfect example for this topic.
My favorite show growing up smh no wonder
Hi Doctor, here's what happened: I watched the entire video and found out two things, my mother is and always was a vulnerable narcissist, even probably my grandmother, but guess what? when you were describing the trains, i saw their faces, but mine too!!! somewhat so the question now and i think a good topic for a new video could be "How to STOP thinking like a vulnerable narcissist" you could do a series of possible self-help techniques on how to FIX bad personality traits by meditation ? or im gonna have to start that one lol, as always, thank you.
@@brusselsprout5851 hey thanks for the help lol
something like this would be good
The traits are often referred to as narcissistic fleas, and I have some, myself. I reckon you can understand how we picked them up to survive. I realized to my horror that sometimes, my fleas DID work on my covert/vulnerable narc mom. But they annoy my good empath wife and kids, so I'm doing deprogramming. There are UA-cam life coaches that describe narc flea treatments (so to speak), but never to great comprehensive length, and I would appreciate Dr. Grande's rigorous analysis. For now, however, I hope I've given you solid keywords to start your search. There are subreddits with more information, as well as UA-cam.
@@jaklumen Much appreciated Thank you for the tips and for sharing your life experience, indeed in a society full of narcisists (im pretty sure its much higher than 9 percent or i live in narcisistland, it is very hard not just to raise a kid well but also making sure that kid is happy and STAYS happy without harming others in the process , i think another pertinent question to ask could be "how to survive your narcisistic boss without getting sent to jail in the process and without becoming a machiavelian ass hole in the process. Good luck in your quest to becoming a better you brother.
@@collectiveinsanity9438 Dr. Saad of vital mind psycology and Dr. Les Carter are very helpful resources aswell.
I would like to take the opportunity to these superb and good willed 3 Doctors (Dr. Grande too, ofcourse!) for helping thousands of individuals for free. Your existence gives me hope.
This is my mother and I finally realized I will never be happy if I don’t leave. So I recently moved out and have been so relieved!
My mother was an aggressive bully at home hyper critical, always undermining me and my brother and sister. My father could not stand up to her and she belittled him. They argued every day shrieking and bellowing in the case of my father in a way which he would never do outside the home as he was a small man. She constantly said she just wanted a place on her own. Aged 8 i saw my father crying and threatening to kill himself if she left him. I saw him become bitter and angry.
She could talk about herself for hours. From age 6 i heard from her "i can't stand your dad.... etc". No nurturing, asking how we were, no communication.
She was hearty with food. But when i was 10 she started work as a teacher so no food and we had to listen to her victim stories of how she wasn't appreciated. She had effectively no friends and no interest in them and didn't like my father talking to anyone. Mega controlling over anything especially holidays and choice of friends.
One of her phrases "get out of my sight". Who says that to children and where did it originate?
Anyway outside the house and in her work she put on a false exterior of a smiling face and eager to listen. But she was always the victim at work not appreciated for her effort where as that miss so and so ...etc. which her family had dumped on their ears
So Aggressive narcissist at home false meek and mild outside.
Postscipt. I was the youngest golden boy. I suppose a gave her a double whammy of heavy blows. I failed my university degree at 18-20. I really struggled to settle away from home, take care of myself and apply to study. Just could not do it at that point.
Then one morning aged 24 packed my car full of possessions and told the rest of the family "well i am off to start a new career far away"
Didn't trust any of them sadly. Drove away from a toxic environment
One other gem with the family around the dinner table she would hold forth with her head swaying with ego.
"Yes I believe in attacking children at their weak points" !!!! Nice. My father stayed mute.
The weak points - my elder brother food (he was overweight and would get a week of bread and water occasionally; my mid sister no horse riding; me imprisonment in the house to "meditate"
I was about 7 at the time
6:34 my mom gave our cat away. And 6:51 My mom always told me how the neighbors daughters were wonderful daughters and she would never tell me that I was.
I know the feeling.
My mom did this twice. Once, I got a bunny as a birthday present and she immediately gave it away in a matter of days. The second time, me, my brother and dad were so excited and planned to adopt a puppy from a shelter, we all went there as a family a couple of times and found one that we wanted to adopt. My mom was miserable the whole time, and after about a week, one day I wake up and see the puppy is missing. She'd taken it back to the shelter because it had stomach issues and she didn't wanna have to deal with it, but she only explained this to me days after giving it away and giving us all the silent treatment.
@@hoseki9860 that’s so sad 😞
@@LinYouToo things like that can be tough. I'm sorry that happened to you too, I hope you're doing better nowadays. 💖
My mum had our cat put down at the vets and never told me until afterwards. She also gave my things away including my fishing tackle with all the rods and floats that I collected since being a small kid.
I believe that vulnerable narcissists use personal tragedies as leverage the same way they use your mistakes as leverage or a valuable investment. If a family member dies (distant or not, decades ago or recently) they will use that to make confronting them seem like a cruel thing to do. I know two vulnerable narcissists who love to act like they're under a dark cloud of grief and expect others to treat them as such and tread lightly while they abuse you.
Additionally, I have come to the conclusion that the primary distinction between secure and vulnerable narcissism is that secure narcissism defines the actor by what they are, whereas vulnerable narcissism defines what they aren't. An act of secure narcissism is to assert that the actor is more valuable than others, whereas vulnerable narcissism is the assertion that others are less valuable. Secure narcissism is to "I'm so great" as vulnerable narcissism is to "they're so bad."
@@charliesmith_ The two types of narcissism are modalities, rather than being wholly distinct.
I don't really believe in the classification of "narcissist", as the point at which one goes from "having narcissistic personality traits" to "being a narcissist" is indistinct.
@@charliesmith_ I never said they were the only two types. Secure and vulnerable don't occur together, though.
This is almost 100% description of my mother-in-law, unbelievable! I wonder how healthy boundaries could be created with this kind of person. Both my husband and I want to keep contact with his mother, but it’s really painful. Thank you for the video!
"In a way, the bad acts of the son are like an investment to the mother. They pay dividends to her on a regular basis." I knew such a mother in the neighborhood years ago. Her son was her psychological punching bag. I worked at the school he went to. He was so deprived of emotional nurturance that he was constantly seeking negative attention. One day, I saw him get his fingers crushed in a door due to him screwing around. His mother got a job being job coach in a social services agency. She was good at brow beating and shaming poor people whom she perceived as not trying hard enough to find a job.
@@brusselsprout5851 my covert narc mother was a medical social worker, plus she treats workers poorly to this day...
Now that you mentioned "He was so deprived of emotional nurturance that he was constantly seeking negative attention.", that reminds me of myself when I was a kid. Might be unrelated, but we were screwing around constantly with my friends and we got into big trouble several times. Neither of us had emotionally available parents.
Jacob011 It is a sad thing to have to face. So many kids just accept that they must be bad people.
@@kevinhornbuckle Sounds like my narc ex's mother. She had the exact same job and was so mean to people. She would tell them "Either you do as I say, or I'll make sure you won't get money by the end of the month"..
Her son was the punching bag who got in fights and trouble constantly and she would sit back "how did I deserve this" (playing the victim).
My ex was the golden child and she talks to her mom on the phone 2-5 times a day and obey everything she says. It's sickening. Such sad creatures..
Great! That's my mother!
What I would add is an unparalleled feeling of closeness and shared tastes between the son and the narcissistic mother. With loose boundaries narcissists have, the mother at the very early age regulates the preferences of the son, which generates this illusion of lasting soul kinship
Yes. My mother forced me to like the things she did and liked or she would tell me I didn't love her if I had my own opinions or preferences. Cut off all contact. It is THE ONLY way to be free.
@@markymark863 that's what I did.
@Mikhail Belkin, how did you manage to escape your mother? Was she raised by a narcissist as well?
@@katerynastepanova5991, no, she's old and permanently ill, so I can't leave her. In her childhood she didn't have a father, he died early, she was raised by her mother and her aunt. They died early and I didn't have a chance to see them
She's now depressed and bitter all the time, dissatisfied with me. Now I know about narcissism, I don't take it too seriously and maintain rather superficual relations with her 'switching on' when she starts talking about somethis nice, and when my help is essential
This helped me realize my mother does not match this description. Thank you.
I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother, & all of this was spot on! I recently finally called her out on her horrible behavior & told her me & my husband were no longer going to visit her or have a relationship with her until she gets help & changes her behavior.
Do they change though?
@@workinprogress6282 no, they don’t. They don’t think they’ve done anything whatsoever wrong. But for me I needed her to know her behavior was crap & we weren’t gonna put up with it anymore. To this day almost 2 years later, she chooses to not get help or change to have a relationship with me.
Same
I just walked away after 56 years of trying. It’s a waste of my breath to voice any normal relational expectations to narcs. You may as well be talking to a brick wall.
I'm debating whether to do this or just Grey Rock permanently. Calling out a narc is generally a bad idea because they thrive off chaos and drama and will toxically gossip and lie to everyone about how they're the victim and how awful the person calling them out is.
This describes my mother perfectly. Dr Grande, thank you for the validation.
Me too. When my mom gets in fights with me.. my world turns dark. Its really hurtful
When you started out by summarizing the behavioural traits of a vulnarable narcissist, I thought that's *exactly* my mother!
My mother-in-law fits this description perfectly. After knowing her for 20 years, these traits have become very obvious. She is extremely negative when talking about others. My children are now letting me know that she badmouths me behind my back. My husband and his brother certainly know that something is wrong but don’t seem to want to admit it. She complains about her other daughter-in-law not doing enough housework, but willingly accepts cooking lunch and washing/ironing shirts for my brother-in-law to keep control and to feel needed. She is often gaslighting us as well. She steals my belongings when we are there and this Christmas she hid some of our children’s Christmas gifts blaming the cousins, only to “find” them later after we went out buying new ones. She even went to the lengths of spreading popcorn and chips on the children’s bedroom floor while they were asleep the evening my husband I and went out for dinner, and was blaming the children for it the next day. My husband is slowly (albeit unwillingly) realizing she is not right in her head, but it has taken decades!
You describe my narcissistic mother in this clip. If my mother can’t control her sons relationships then she hates the girls and wants the relationship to end.
She only like one of my brothers girlfriends. She was a very mixed up and confused girl. It was like a therapy session when she was with my mother.
My mother was all of this, to absolutely psychotic level. She destroyed my life, prevented me from professional success and any relationships with women. Because of it I never could afford to move out, and last 15 years lived in fear for my life and my stuff. Had to comply her demands and expectations, and hide my true attitude to her. Finally, she boiled me to the point I handled her rough when moved (last 2 years she was heavily disabled, mostly immobilized), and unintentionally snapped her thigh bone. Few days later she died in hospital.
catching myself softly whispering "Oh No..." at each point.... that's how you know it's a good + necessary video , haha...
your dialogue is always appreciated + the conversations these videos start are consistently helpful.
it is easy to get stuck in a place where you know a parent [or anyone close to you] has unhealthy traits, but can't figure out what to do or where to go from there. when you talk about these issues you always bring up what actions we can take to alleviate the burden, and remind us that the reactions of others are not always dependent on your actions . its very much appreciated.
thanks as always, dr grande!
My (older) brother was the Golden Child, favored over me, the girl. He was always given the benefit of the doubt, saying I lied or exagerated about the abuse he lavished upon me. Spent my whole life trying to win my mom's love. Was regularly reminded that my existence was an accident, that I wasn't as valuable to her. My brother is a narcissist, too.
I could have wrote these exact words. But it was two brothers, not one for me.
My husband and I both have this type of mother. Unbelievable damage caused by these people. We are working it out and being better parents to our kids. Thanks for your help!
Finally i see clear. 3000 hours of therapy never anyone brought up VULNERABLE narcicism. My mother was clearly narcicistic but without all the grandiosity, i often ended up with borderline partners and histrionic friends, all of them had traits of my mother but not everything fits. Now it does. As long as she was alive i always tried to cheer her up, talk down her negativity and give her something to look forward too. Now she is dead i feel im left behind with all her negativity, her fears, her ANGST, even her psychosomatic symptoms.Some people might be noirished my their mothers love for the rest of their lives, i feel im just filled eith her pain. I only realise now what all was missing, its so hard to put your finger on things that should have happened but didnt, because you sinply dont know how it should have been, beside what you see in movies or how your friends mothers are. My mother never welcomed me with opened arms or asked questions at all. She immidiately started to conplain who did what to her today and seemed constantly talking to herself and in her mind to people who did her wrong and how her ideal self would take revenge. My mother never listened to me even fell asleep while i was talking, so did my therapist for 7 years while being himself too narcicstic too admit that this is more than projection. Now i feel double hurt and betrayed.Why?did i go there for so long? I was waiting for a wonder, for the big reveal, breakthrough, so that all that "not being seen will make sense-but it didnt happened, just like with my mother. I always tried to bond with the abandoned little girl inside my mother as i knew she had a horrible horrible childhood but its a no win situation as mentioning her misery jusr made her angry. So i couödnt reach her on any level, only by making presents for 30 seconds i saw her smile.
Love your work Dr. My only complaint is that I wish there was more from you! Lol You are so insightful and easy to listen to. When I mean more, I do not mean more content in general, because you do well in that regard, but I mean per topic. With this post here for instance, I really wanted to hear more examples. I know this goes against your format on the channel. But wow you are good at what you do. I wish you wrote a book so we could get deeper and richer examples of your insight and knowledge pertaining to these issues. You are doing God’s work. Bless you
Judy Lee Thank you, I should have realized this. I appreciate the direction.
I can pull up a number of memories, over the course of the past 10 years, where I see everything in this video, in my mother.
One thing is that, it isn’t simply other people are a threat to a singular relationship with the narcissistic mother. Everything is.
Other than to simply work to destroy my livelihood and life, it’s why she tried to sabotage jobs I’ve had during the past few years. Now, someone who doesn’t understand narcissism would say, “Your mother calling you at work isn’t a problem. She should be able to!” But, when you actually understand what’s going on, you know better. It’s calling you when you’ve told her that only you can call her, because she couldn’t possibly know when the multiple conference calls your on per week would be scheduled - and she immediately proceeds to go on a campaign of calling during the workweek, for weeks. It’s demanding your job number, when you won’t give it to her, because you’re suspicious about the behavior, and it’s obtaining your work number through other means and, even after you’ve hung up on her on one call, she decides to call the front desk and have the guard looking for you on another.
This is all to covertly let me know that she does what she wants, that she’s a threat, that she’s not going to let some corporation get in her way, and so my coworkers begin to look at my family issues as interfering with my job. It’s a way of working to loosen the screws under my life, while still “appearing” to conform to societal norms of being a loving mother. As per my experience, as I’ve made the mistake of elaborating about the situation to coworkers, because the don’t understand narcissism or NPD, even when it’s explained to them, because the subscribe to convention, culture tradition and filial piety hard core, the situation vilifies me, adding a new dimension to the dynamic that you can’t win with narcissists.
Another object that is likely perceived as a threat is my cat. I have 2 but, I walk one. I love them equally but, they are hardwired completely differently, with one being an extremely cautious introvert and the other with an extroverted personality, where he seeks engagement with local people and dogs. Total Vaudevillian.
For the second cat, he would be perceived as a threat and target by my mother, which is why I could never allow her to be here unsupervised. Merely, cracking the door open for him to dash out on a busy street and get killed, would immediately be followed by covert lying and duping delight, knowing it would cause a great deal of pain, that would last for years. She might do that sort of thing, driven by her need to hurt and punish me, to redirect the time I take in walking him, towards what she feels I should be doing for her, for control, and for the sheer delight of getting away with something that, if I checked her on, for most people, I’d look like a nut, because I’d appear to be putting my cat’s needs above my mother’s.
Also, this is despite the fact that many of my mother’s needs are fabricated. Things like not having a leak repaired- for years - so, I’d have to pick up gallons of water for her weekly.
So, any and everything and, of course, this includes tending to your personal care, having a job (God forbid if you’re happy with it, too), getting sleep, pursuing a personal project or love relationship. Just even having any sense that you’re individuated and have no problem saying no? HUGE problems.
Even if you can escape punishment, you know it’s still there. Like giving my sister the early inheritance of a home, when my sister was mostly absent for decades, while I worked for my mother personally and professionally. It’s not simply to try to get new, unwitting, weakened, financially desperate, obedient supply. It’s done to let me know that, whatever I’ve done, it’s no longer what she values and that I was not to live my own life. That she, now, prefers someone who chain she can yank and, of course, control.
When you have a narcissistic parent and, sometimes worse, is the entitled narcissistic mother as, there is no other role more canonized yo sainthood, you’re quite better off living in another country away from them. At minimum, if you have children, living in a state where grandparents do not have rights to grandchildren, so the grandparents can’t turn the grandchildren against their parents.
And, of course, it is such a stealthy, concentrated, ongoing attack that, for those who say it isn’t actually happening or the person means no harm, they should know that one needs to have their wits about them to implement and sustain it. In other words, don’t confuse it with dementia. I’m about 20 years my mother’s junior and I’m not even wired to do what she’s doing. I am, however, wired for a deft counter attack, should she become successful.
Something you said reminded me of this experience I had with my mom. My mom had several plates which used to belong to my grandma. My grandma died when I was 12. I can't 100% remember the order of which happened first, but at one point my mother mentioned to me that she was thinking about giving the plates to my brother's wife, because she had a blue and white kitchen. And I had made some kind of comment to my mom that, I had a lot of memories of using the plates at my grandma's house, so if she was going to get rid of the plates then I would like to have them. Fast forward a year or so later. My mother gave all of the plates to a man in my hometown in exchange for chicken eggs. She mentioned it to me specifically. I could not understand at the time why she would do that. According to what you're saying in this video, this type of experience is something that a narcissistic mother would use to punish a son. Just a heads up that they also do this to their daughters.
My mum does things she knows will provoke a negative reaction and then she can tell her friends how much of a disappointment I am - how I'm always being negative towards her and not giving her "the love and respect that she deserves". She uses her victim status as social currency to gain sympathy from anyone who will sit long enough to hear her sob stories.
How about a mother-daughter relationship?? Would be really helpful.
He already did one
ua-cam.com/video/0eG4oldh2x8/v-deo.html
Davek_89666 That video was about a mother and her daughter. Not the same thing!
I agree! How about two separate videos, one for a Grandiose Mother-in-Law and one for a Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother-in Law. I understand some traits could cross over. Having put up with a Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother-in Law for the last 22years, I feel your pain! I don’t know about you and what you feel but this is what I would love an answer to. What about the guilt trips ? criticism for everyone? ! Her passive aggressive behavior, to gain her own advantage! Her dislike for you or anyone who has happiness! Her hateful judgement that you can’t wrap your head around! Thank you for your post, I’m sure many other Daughter-in Laws feel the same way!
Pull up a chair lady. I’ll make you drink and we can have a chat.
Yes. Vulnerable mother-daughter.
Dr. Grande, thank you for this content. Its difficult fighting off anxiety (feelings of existential crisis) while watching, especially when so much of what you mention corresponds with my own personal experiences, but these videos (and others like it) have been invaluable and allowed me to reclaim my own life.
I was married to a poor boy whom is a victim/perpetrator of that kind of monstrous birth canal. She would parade in lingerie in front of him, in my presence.
She proclaims to be so Christian and holy, but is a rotting pile of crepid flesh. I ended up divorcing her son because he was on her side, behaving just like her towards our children. I too had a similar behaving birth canal and I cut and severed all ties, with anyone who behaved and enabled this type of behavior. I have never felt more at peace and free!
Thanks to educational videos like these 💜
@@schoo9256 Thank you
This was my exact childhood. Thankfully my dad and my faith, as a JW, helped me overcome this quickly as a teenager and when I moved out at 22 is when I really healed. But even at 30, I still have moments of sadness over it all because she attempts to contact me every now and then.
Faith has helped me too! I was in a very bad way a few years ago, like spiraling a drain. I started therapy to figure out my dysfunction but really scripture helped more than anything. 2 Tim 3:2-4 says that people "will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God." I think the Bible is describing mental illness. Our society is experiencing it on a grand scale. People in this world are sick! A product of their environment.
Since returning to the congregation I've overcome Borderline PD, but I'm still left dealing with a Vulnerable Narcissist MIL. I try to practice love as described in 2nd Corinthians but I still slip up because of the lies and injustice my husband and I endure from her. I pray as often as I can and I work on forgiveness, because I am also in desperate need of mercy and forgiveness.
Praise Jah, Kiss the son! 💛
This is exactly my mother! You are spot on as always, Dr.Todd.
I’d never heard of Vulnerable Narcissism until now. This was very enlightening. Am wondering if this also happens between a mother and daughter.
It sure does... Dr Grande has more videos on vulnerable/ covert/ victim Narcissism
Yes my mother is just like this and in a women😣
Yes, it definitely does apply to mother/daughter relationships. My mother was a vulnerable narcissist and my younger sister became one too.
Janelle Berryman-Nosik You’re grandma
I'm a female, This Is the first time hearing of VN disorder also, and wow! I think that my mom deff has most of these traits and maybe I have developed some of these horrible traits within the last 5-10 years also:(..
Thank you for making this video, Dr. Grande. It hit home.
Everything in this video was 100% my relationship (daughter) with my mother except for a small part of #8, while most of it still applies. You talk fast so I had to pause often to take notes and absorb everything but it was super helpful in shining a light and validating my experience, as well as strengthening my no-contact rule since boundaries were just met by lashing out and increased gaslighting, accusations and hostile abuse. It’s a difficult subject but so glad people are talking about it.
Truly I've tried for decades to put my finger on the dynamics with my mother's. It was hard for me to pinpoint the form and dynamic of emotional abuse that happened and made me doubt my perception. This is like a detailed description of a lot of traits, my mother carries and suddenly I can see. Thank You.
Though I’m a daughter this still describes my mother perfectly. Thanks, Dr. Grande!
You’ll never know how much you’ve helped me in the past 3 months. Thank you.
Oh my...100 % accurate. .thank you so much for this info...gratitude & love Dr Grande.💖
I can’t even begin to tell you how insightful this has been for me and my understanding of my mother-in-law who lives with us thank you so much
still can't believe I survived my childhood with this type of mother!
@@schoo9256 thank you ❤️
This is so spot on, keep up the good work! Not all of the signs are present, but I am so glad to be more aware of the ones that are
Omg thank you so much for covering this topic
I was waiting for this. Thank u 🙏
Thank you so much for this along with your other videos. My fiancé’s mother broke apart their whole family with her narcissism and left all of her sons with trauma. They have no memories of their childhood and being a child of a narcissist myself and in treatment for ptsd/borderline, I’ve wanted to help him so badly. This video helps me understand him better and hopefully I can have him watch this to encourage his own process of healing. I’d love more psychoanalysis of masculinity and coping skills of men as I believe it affects all genders.
I’m a daughter of what I believe is a vulnerable narcissistic mother. I’ve been watching all your videos on narcissism. This one interested me when you mentioned that they feel threatened in ambiguous situations. My mom roped me into joining an adult tap dance class with her, and throughout each session, she obsessively tells people not to watch her because she sucks. I don’t know why she wants to be in a class when she feels like all the teachers and other students are laughing at her, unless she is after the reassurance when they (or I) tell her she isn’t that bad.
These mother's treat their daughter's the same way. This mother is a BPD and this son is the scapegoated child. All BPD have an idealized child and a scapegoated child. This mother is using this son as a surogate husband. She wants to own this son and control this son because she is not capable of having a relationship with an approriate man. She is definitely a BPD and this son is definitely the scapegoat and he has been groomed to be her victim. She controls him through guilt and shame.
Dr. Grand said explicitly that he's talking about vulnerable narcissism, not BPD.
But both the video and this comment describe my mother, and the way she treated me, perfectly.
These traits overlap between BPD and Vulnerable/ Covert Narcissism. The difference being that BPDs have empathy and Coverts have low empathy if that.
LA Union starseed ABB huh?
@@user-xh7gb6zm1q yes that's correct... what I said regarding them having low empathy is meant to be read that way.
I am pretty darn sure my mother has BPD and she definitely has an idealized child (my brother) and the scapegoat (me.)
Can you do a video on Vulnerable Narcissism Mother-Daughter relationship? This video hit home a lot but would like to see how things can be explained between the Mother-Daughter relationship. I always knew something was off and knew she didn't have the regular traits of a malignant or covert Narcissist, but instead operates through guilt/shame, manipulation, she exaggerates the truth, triangulates siblings, uses personal info against one, uses back handed complements, victim all the time, completes and feels threatened by others a lot, treats waitstaff at restaurants like they are beneath her etc, but isn't verbally abusive. She prefers the emotional abuse I believe. My mother may be a vulnerable narcissist and just now in mid life trying to deal with the effects of being raised by her eg: not trusting people, becoming very detached emotionally, trying not to lose my calm around her and forgiving myself for thinking I've been a bad daughter.
Thanks, Dr. Grande. My mother doesn't fit all of these descriptions perfectly, but I agree with others who have said no covert/vulnerable narcissist does, as I am beginning to see NPD is rather a spectrum (indeed, which is a view espoused by a professional we consult). I think she fits the criteria well enough that the advice fits- I have had to impose boundaries, some in seemingly drastic ways. Much of the community I'm in has advised no contact, but due to various reasons, breaking off contact wasn't feasible.
Your analysis is so very appreciated- I'm sending this to my wife, who is already shares my opinion, but I think she and other loved ones who fathom our dilemma will appreciate this formal perspective.
So precise on every point. For myself, it reminded me when my mother threatened with disinheriting for not being there (for a good reason!!). Also her latest attempt to gain protection from her narcissistic daughter by manipulating me and causing tensions, quarrels yet again, as well as not caring about causing me real harm! It all makes sense now.
This was 100% spot on, thanks for the info!
Excellent video Dr. Grande! I just found your channel not too long ago and I find your content, intriguing, and helpful. It is unfortunate when we are raised someone who has a personality disorder as it contributes to our unhealthy patterns of thoughts and coping skills.The good thing though is that there is hope through recovery. All is not lost as there is power though knowledge and self-discovery. Keep up the good work!
i relate to this and i absolutely agree.
being raised by unhealthy people really skews your mindset. your mental and behavioral processes are twisted by the proximity.
but as long as you have self awareness and insight, there's hope.
self awareness is something you learned independently, without parental guidance. it is an integral part of you. to embrace it can feel awful sometimes, and to even recognize it as a positive often takes a long time... but in the end you [and everyone you know] are much better off for it [as i'm sure you know already]...
@@musicobsessive123 I really like how you mentioned self-awareness and being independent in the same sentence because those are key elements to the healing process. When we face these issues head on we become empowered which is what we are aiming for. Being raised by a narcissistic parent we just don’t lose our power, its much, much worse. We are raised thinking we have no power at all and then when we do get some self-empowerment, we are so uncomfortable with it, that we immediately try to give that power to someone, or something else. Self-awareness is the key to taking our power back.
@@thecomfortablecounselor9035 beautifully worded.... autonomy and the ability to put up boundaries are necessary for survival, and some of us are raised not even knowing that those things are possible.
in my opinion self awareness is the most important part of anyones mental health. that's where you gain the ability to change.
so many people act out and behave badly without knowing what they're really doing, or why they're doing it at all. being able to evaluate yourself is crucial to leading a fulfilling life in general
Hello doctor, your description of this mother is actually so vivid and graphic that it is like I have a picture/a scene of a woman in front of me, even though this is not a type of person I will ever or already have surrounded myself with. Your second career as a moviemaker is still waiting for you, you just have to grip it. Thank you. 💗
I thank you, as a son of exactly this type of woman. I have echoing memories of people who have told me they just love my mother, as I was thinking "You don't know her privately!" This is one of the slim hopes that I have that anyone will EVER understand how emotionally incestuous and secretly resentful my mother is.
Hey there Dr. Grande! Thank you so much for what you do, how ya do! Great show, as usual! Appreciate ya!💫💞
I'm currently seeing a client whose mother is this completely. I had her pegged from the very first therapy session. The client is only 12 years old and it is obvious that he is very intimidated by her... When she's in the therapy session with him he treads very carefully. Great video! Hits the nail on the head.
Wow, I really needed to hear this tonight. Each point hit the nail on the head and helped me make sense of things. Thank you.
Wow Dr. G. You have just described my mother perfectly .Sadly I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with her it’s impossible too, watching your channel is helping me to understand her though. Massive thanks.
Really helpful video. Going through a custody battle against a mother like this and I can see how our daughter is affected. Every thing you mention is like I see it in my case.
I really have struggled with boundaries and would like a better understanding around this topic especially why I have ended up with poor boundaries . Thank you for these excellent videos .
I'm late here but I'm currently reading this book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's really good and helpful so far
@@alexaonther0x Thank you
Hi Dr. Grande. Hope your having a good holiday. And, 👍🏻 This was interesting yes, and it clarified the difference between grandiose and vulnerable.
Thanks Dr. G this really helped me once again in so many ways.
Thank you for this video. This type of relationship isn’t just limited to the mother and son. It seems to be somewhat of the same between the vulnerable narcissistic wife and husband. You just described in part the last 23 years of my life.
Child is likely to suffer from guilt complexes and emotional dysregulation ive had this i feel like its a product of single motherhood
@@brusselsprout5851 That's sad, I"m pro welfare, but you can't replace a good man with the government as a provider
Please don’t extrapolate from your own personal experience. I’ve been reading about this for about 10 years and most examples I’ve come across feature mom, dad and two or more children - the stereotypical ‘normal’ family.
This has nothing to do with single motherhood which is a fairly recent phenomenon. NPD probably dates back to something in the mother’s own childhood. And it can apply to men, too. So you’d have to look back to your grandmother’s and grandfather’s generation and conclude it was something to do with single parenthood. No, that’s obviously not correct.
I’ve been looking up and down the board for the right conditions and this is my mom to a tee! Thank you for the video I learned a bit more about how to help my mom.
These videos are comforting because I was worried someone I knew was a narcissist but I think it must be more BPD. Also a relief to know I’m not one!
I finally know what my mother is! Thank you so much!!!! Even though I am her *daughter* this resonates with me.
Thank you Dr.Grande,I'm 53 now and I can finaly move on .#10 was the truth that set me free
Fascinating presentation as always, Dr.
It must be cold in Delaware as you are wearing two shirts these days.
It's a great look on you. Rugged and wise.
This is an excellent and extremely accurate description
When I was a child, My mother gave away my favorite puzzle. I never opened the box because I didn't want to mess up the picture on the cover. It was a beautiful cat with big sad eyes. She said she gave it to a very sick child who would love to have it and I was a selfish little brat for being upset about it. I think this was her way of disciplining me by taking away the things I liked the most. So after watching this video, it's possible she was narcissistic. And she would trick me into doing things she could punish me for. Then hit me and say: "now you know not to do that!"
Thanks Dr. Grande
As a daughter of a VN mother, things are a little different. My mother’ s sense that she was entitled to be the most important person in my life was compounded by her belief that I had no ability to think or act for myself. She believes that any other person I am close to is going to influence me and I will go along with them. This was not just romantic partners or friends, but she didn’t want me to go to an all women’s college because she thought I would be influenced into becoming a lesbian. Nor did she want me to go to a co-Ed college because she feared I would have sex with men and/or become an atheist. I am in my 40s and have never had a healthy relationship and I struggle with friendship and work relationships. My mother is always in my head even though I severely limit my interactions with her now.
Excellent articulation of MY mother's behavior.
One thing you see sometimes with narc moms is trying to force their kids into a certain career. I didn't want to deal with any gaslighting, manipulation, invalidation, or snide comments about my real goals, so I pretended like I was pursuing a certain career when I wasn't.
Your podcast is great! I was thinking for ages what was wrong with my relationship with mother, and you quoted exact sentences, she always says. I'm glad, that I'm not insane. Though, she made me feel that way a lot. Like telling my girlfriend that she's supposed to be the most important woman in my life, she practically disowned me when I married. Etc etc.
You are my favorite channel :-)
Oh my god.... My whole life is flashing before my eyes....
Make a video about how a normal sane person would behave and look
😃
[" That would depend on the individual. It's not going to be the same for everyone. If it was 'cookie cutter' then the world of mental health therapy would look very different. "]
No such thing lol. They have a few hundred different possible diagnosis I'm sure even normal people could get one if they were worried and went to a shrink
Good comment
@@sine8811 nope. healthy people are alike in specific ways
You are awesome Dr Grande thank you for this one. I love you & your work so much. I’m so glad I found you as you have changed my life for the better. Thanks
Thank you!!!! Your videos are the best!!!!!
This is spot on, thank you !
Great work doctor. It all rings through based on my experiences.
Wao. Finally found the right video. Thanks for the great videos, Doc.
You seriously cannot fix a mother like this, I try and try but she makes me feel guilty for trying to build a relationship, I can't be around her without being awkward, the worst thing is that her traits are rubbing off on me but I'm seeking help for it! I won't be a cold callous robot...
Definitely agree. Especially the part about being awkward around them. My narc mom will look for any cue or mannerism to assume there's "something wrong with me" and call me out on it which ends up making me even MORE awkward. It's a vicious cycle. Going no contact, hard as it may be, seems to be the only way
absolutely amazing. I can see MIL with this x
Dr. Grande has some outstanding insights here. My mother was diagnosed with BPD, but after viewing this video I wonder if her condition was more like vulnerable narcissism. I'm left wondering how to tell the difference between BPD and vulnerable narcissism, and how the differences can be seen in relationships with children.
My mother had Borderline Personality Disorder with high narcissism. She was a master manipulator and constantly threatened suicide to control me. She used love against me and would accuse me of not loving her if I didn't give her the emotional response she wanted. She would do this for hours on end and belittle me and say horrible things about herself and how it would be better if she were dead. I would always cry until she was satisfied, and that was her idea of love. It was phenomenal emotional abuse. She would frequently recount in graphic detail how her father molested her. Because of him, she never had a chance to be a real person and I paid the price. Still cannot get on my feet or form relationships. Just got out of rehab. Best of life and God bless to anyone else who has had to suffer under the hand of a narcissistic or BPD mother.
thank you so much for this sir. i hope you have a wonderful day :)
My husband's mother was a vulnerable narcissist and was incredibly boring to spend time with. She was the shallowest person I've ever met and the sum total of her contribution to any conversation was to complain about how everyone screwed her over her entire life. She could only last about 5 minutes of others talking about something before she was compelled to bring the focus back to her. She once showed me her photo album and contained about 6 pictures of her two sons. The rest were of her in a bikini, or evening gown, etc... Tiresome is the best word to describe her.