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The MAJOR RED FLAGS In A Man You Should NEVER IGNORE | Matthew Hussey
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- Опубліковано 23 кві 2022
- Hey guys, Lisa here! If you didn’t already know, I am super frikin excited to share that I’m writing a book! To be the FIRST to get sneak peeks about my book and other exclusive content go to: RadicalConfidence.com and pre-order the book now.
Dating in 2022 can feel like a lost cause, it can feel exhausting, and worthless when you come up empty handed and broken hearted (again). How can we start to date wiser, smarter, and more fearless without falling into the same traps over again? Matthew Hussey is a relationship guru who has helped thousands of women navigate their feelings and emotional responses to dating.
Between not getting caught up in the stories we create before the first date, to recognizing the warning signs we usually ignore and excuse, to knowing when it’s time to be brave and ask the difficult questions we fear the answers to, Matthew Hussey is brutally honest. He’s like the big brother every girl needs. As an added bonus to get your dating life on the right track, Stephan Speaks another high value relationship guru is breaking down what makes a relationship truly successful and how women can use their natural senses to make better decisions when it comes to dating and choosing partners to start building with.
SHOW NOTES:
He Only Says What You Want To Hear [0:18]
4 Stages of Importance in Relationships [5:39]
Relationship Work and Sunk Costs of Staying [11:25]
Identifying the Truth in What He Says [14:57]
Is He a Liar or an Avoider of the Truth? [21:04]
Having Difficult Conversations with Ease [27:05]
They’re Narcissistic Leaning [34:01]
How to Be Vulnerable with Your Emotional Wounds [39:06]
When Your Feelings May Not Be Valid [46:23]
His Behavior Doesn’t Match His Actions [53:49]
Be Honest About Your Own Actions Too! [57:24]
Timing Is Important But Not A Reason To Keep Waiting [1:11:43]
Bonus: Biggest Dating Problems with Stephan Speaks [1:16:22]
The Value of Connection Over Settling [1:24:20]
Not Maintaining the Person He Fell In Love With [1:37:53]
QUOTES:
“Instead of going in with a curiosity, we go in with a conclusion.” [5:19]
“Part of people’s frustration is that they are really deeply unhappy with what they’re getting, but they haven’t found the courage to go find something else, or to value themselves more.” [12:43]
“You have to assume that who they are today is who they’ll be.” [13:54]
“When a guy on a date says, ‘I’m not looking for anything serious,’ you can trust that he’s either, not looking for anything serious or he thinks that there’s a very good chance that he’s going to end up hurting you...” [17:30]
“When someone is being intentional about dating, they are asking intentional questions.” [19:42]
“Women have to be brave enough to ask questions that they’re afraid of the answers to.” [22:31]
“Be kind in your tone, ruthless in your actions.” [26:17]
“We often scare people off in relationships not because of our wounds, we scare them off with our weapons.” [39:06]
“All of these moments where you have friction are absolutely necessary, they’re wonderful because they give you a moment to put another brick in the house of the relationship.” [1:06:31]
“You have to assume that what someone’s telling you about what they want is the reality.” [1:14:28]
“Staying together does not equate success. A happy fruitful relationship equates success.” Stephan Speaks [1:19:59]
“The reality is, if you don’t know you are then you don’t know who belongs in your life.” Stephan Speaks [1:21:51]
Follow Matthew Hussey:
Website: www.howtogettheguy.com/
UA-cam: / gettheguyteam
Instagram: / thematthewhussey
Facebook: / coachmatthewhussey
Follow Stephan Speaks:
Website: www.stephanspeaks.com/
UA-cam: / stephanspeaksvideos
Instagram: / stephanspeaks
Facebook: / stephanspeaksrelations...
When a friend of mine told me that she went to Europe and met a man and he really liked her. He flew out every month to see her for two weeks at a time. She would fly out to see him also and when she was going through it with her family and she talked to him about it he got on the next flight and showed up to her house. He told her I don’t want you to ever cry by yourself. They are married and she lives with him in Europe and helps him with his business.
A man who wants you will move heaven and earth to be with you. There is nothing that can stop a man from getting what he wants.
Sounds like my ex husband’s with me and we married for 14 yrs, now separated. Feeling can change, so nothing is permanent
I love this! ❤
@@elain2706 nothing is permanent in life
@@elain2706 that’s so true, I used to date a boyfriend who I begged on my knees to stay with me, and now six years later I left him and he’s the one begging
And he will continue to do so. If he only does so until you are together, get over the hurt quickly and run, don't fight for him. You are wasting your precious time.
Women need to value themselves more, and not jump at the first thing that comes along. Be picky, don’t just get into a relationship if it does not feel right. Never sleep with a man until you really get to know them well. If he really cares about you, he will wait.
It is ....sad....the kinds of worthless dudes women will risk their life for via sex and childbirth.
True but not every woman does and does not always jump in a relationship. They can still play games with us. That's why some of us stay single.
...Amen
@@m.c.8877 it’s better be single than to be trapped
@@elain2706 absolutely 💯👍 well said
If a guy creates excuses why he can't see you, then he's not into you. If he's creating & making plans to see you, then he's into you.
Thank you I needed to hear and see this again...been waiting hoping too long for two men "if interest" to make time to meet me...not happening, therefore, it's NOT HAPPENING DUH LOL
How do u know when a guy is just using u?
@Triple Air Goddess I mean, sex of any kind should be consensual, absolutely. 👍And in my opinion such situtions, when fear-of-losing-a-significant-other-if-we-start-declining-physical-engagement becomes a factor of sexual anything... that is not consent and a great sign that something is very wrong in the dynamic. Stay safe yall
@CJ- this is my husband… not “some guy” though. This is my marriage of 23 years and 3 kids and a lifetime of hard work. This isn’t 20 something’s in college or even “ dating” - I’m married to a narcissist. He does no wrong. Oh, I wish I’d have spoken in depth with his ex’s so I could have gotten the warning signs ahead of time more clearly .
Could agree further💯💯... In fact this applies to both men and women in general.
After being with 3 toxic men and one for 36 yrs when u finally heal and get older u just set yourself free and stay single, and forget about men all together!! Now I am happy with ME.
Sounds more like a result of a psychological trauma, to be honest. Have you seen a therapist?
Yes ma'am. Agreed!
@@MrSomebodyStrange my Creator healed me took 4 yrs. learned all about narcissism plus😀
I am on my way. I've always had to take care of me, now I just do not have to tolerate their wants, desires & needs. Its not worth the trade off to me. I'd rather do what makes me happy, finally. I wish everyone happiness, whatever that looks like for you. ❤️✌️
@@maresnite I agree it’s like a song I heard I was thinking I miss you , but I missed me MORE!!💕😀much love & respect keep moving forward!
One of the mistakes people make in dating/relationships is hoping the man will be different after marriage or children. No he won’t.
Preach girl
Hahahah nah. they do become different. WORSE!!!!! All their colors show under aaaaall that pressure 🤣🤣😂😂
@@ksy4747 Right!
@@ksy4747 This is the one. 💯 If he wasn't great before those two things in *most* cases he will become worse after them if they were things he was pressured into. 😬
It only gets worse my friend
When someone wants to be with you, they'll find the way and the time.
Not necessarily
Never confuse chemistry with compatibility.
Or chemistry with trauma
@@sarahgrohmusic ^ or drama 🤷🏻♀️
Underrated comment 👏
Love this whole comment thread ❤️
Or mirroring and love bombing
1. Stop the story
2. Slow down
3. Value actual work vs potential
4. If it's hysterical it's historical
5. Stages:
a. Admiration
b. Connection/Chemistry
c. Commitment - MATTERS!
d. Compatibility - MATTERS!
6. Reality check - Virtual Blueprints vs. Storybook Castle
7. What he means vs what he says,
Anything that doesn't boost his pitch, then I can trust that effort
(like drug side effect disclosures lol!)
8. What do you want in a partner that I don't have?
9. What do you want in a partner that I no longer do? Turn my superpower back on!
10. Why tell me the good if you're still leaving me?
Here's where Matt got it wrong, as a demi-sexual person, I can tell you that 5.a and 5.b are extremely hard to happen for me.
However, it's still worth noting because it doesn't matter to the people I date. 😅
So gotta keep that in mind.
Thank you
@@samf.s8786 well he probably wasn't including the other sexualities that were just introduced.... And he only know what he has seen and done...
@@samf.s8786 I'm demisexual and even an asexual can feel admiration, connection and chemistry. Lmao.
Whoooo... "If it's hysterical, it's historical." I wish I'd heard this concept DECADES ago
My toxic relationship ended in December right before Christmas. I decided to heal and work on myself. I haven't dated in a while and I have decided to not have sex. I meant a guy and told him sex is off the table. He disrespected me and told me that I think I'm too good, who do you think you're? I was so shocked to get that response because this same guy told me he was looking for marriage. We live in a society where sex is so easily accessible, that some men are shocked at hearing no. I know I'll find the right guy sticking to loving myself and setting up boundaries.
'Who do you think you are?" You are a person who has dominion over your own body! And kudos to you for making that clear to him up front! Tragic that we live in a world where men assume you don't have that right (which he clearly didn't). Sadly, this degradation of women's rights to their own bodies was brought to us via the "sexual revolution". There's plenty of support for "my body, my choices" as long as were are attempting to terminate a pregnancy, but God forbid we have a say over whether a stranger can violate our personal space. Again, via the sexual revolution, men have come to assume that THEY have a right to your body, and HOW DARE we set a boundary! As you hold your ground, more and more issues will come to light; you are not only elevating yourself, but your awareness will increase. And you will begin to see that there are entire agendas in place to keep us questioning and doubting ourselves, and keep us in the role of subservience and people-pleasing... at our own peril.
And then if you told him you slept with someone before the date you would be trash 🤷♀️ I also don't do one night stands and is focused on building my life. I am glad when they show who they are early on, wasting time getting to know someone is just waste of time 😅 and honestly I respect when someone is up front about what they wants instead of playing games, but disrespecting you in the prosseces are not making you set him up with a friend who is looking for a fling 😅
Never give any man benefits of a husband unless married to you. This is coming from me, a man, a medical doctor, a husband and a father of 2 daughters I'm raising to be self respecting queens.
You don't need a man for sexual gratification either.
he just wanted u for sex.
@@RC-eb5hq i always tell my friends girls - how come the only liberation you got was to be used by men for free for sex...USED for for sex without even PAYING you for u time or u body.
Ladies, make sure the man is emotionally mature, spiritually led, and recognizes/feels conviction when he's attempting to do wrong
Preach 🙌
Spiritually led?! Sorry, that's bullshit.
Amen
@@diezuckerbackerin5112 why is that bullshit?
Ty. Yes. Nobody is perfect. I forgive n move on. Im used to being alone but not lonely.
Do you guys know why so many of us are having dating or relationship issues? Bcz it takes some duration of time to get to know a person to develop real feelings. Most of us don't have the ability to meet new people and through a setting where we meet on a daily basis. That was school or college. Real life now is fast and we are just working and we are tired. Second reason, is really people are loaded with complexes and haven't matured or healed properly. Our ENVIRONMENT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR LOVE but only prepares you for a quick dopamine hit!
Truth!! Maybe, people should slow down a bit much!! 🤩
So, so true. 🙏💕
You hit a nail on its head 👋👋👌
Bery profound . Thanks
Well said! People just don’t take the time needed to make an authentic connection bc they want to satisfy their immediate needs emotionally or physically. We should all just list the top three things we need in someone, log in and be digitally matched .. then find that person or hit delete match lol
If you ask the Crappy Childhood Fairy, connection/chemistry/attraction is definitely something that can be built over time, and even should be. Traumatized people need to take that time to not fall for trauma-bonding and love bombing and mistake that for a connection.
Connection depends on personality and taste, you can not change yourself for the sake of another person to build "connection"
Confidence and good communication can build/identify a healthy connection, not necessarily change the individuals. Connection helps confirm or not compatibility. Chemistry should not be a result of love bombing.
I love crappy childhood fairy!!
Admittedly, there are red flags to watch out for in both men and women.
That said, and in my personal experience, a man's behavior during a break up or divorce is an important indicator of how much they value(d) and respect(ed) you.
Hey B, im very curious by your opinion about this. When you specifically mean divorce or separation and how much they respected you, is it like if they still reach out to see how you are post break up or if they go totally silent on you?
@@JacquelineMarie747 along those lines, inclusive of many other scenarios and behaviors; yes.
Haha then when you're in a toxic relationship where the women gets jealous of when u, the man, is still in check with your ex's. Like so what if we had a thing, why can't we just be friends?
No shit sherlock but it would ne nice if we could talk about things affecting women ONCE without the old it also happens to men sentence.
@@superscribe6651 would u want ur wife to hang out or check in with her exes a lot?
My childhood issues made me obsessed with an unavailable guy, who was full of red flags- emotionally unavailable, not ready to take any responsibility, playboy, pervert, non-committal, entitled.
But my judgment was so messed up bcz of my childhood emotional neglect that I believed he will change one day.
What childhood issues? If you can sum up please? 😊 i am the same. I fall for emotionally unavailable.
@@zeeee_ytif your parental relationship consisted of breadcrumbs of affection and and basic neglect these types of guys will draw you in. It’s like fireworks @ first especially if they’re attractive then it’s all down hill from there. It’s like junk food. It’ll fill you up in the short term but it’s basically empty calories.
If sex was only after marriage. Relationships would be so different and people would suffer less.
There was a time when it was. We made some damaging choices during the sexual revolution and are now paying the price.
Yeah, horny young people would rush into marriage just to be able to have sex without really knowing who they are marrying... Such a recipe for happiness 😂
Fact
💯
No, it wouldn't. In the past women were constantly cheated on by their husbands and couldn't do anything about it in order to prevent social judgment.
I am ready to leave my man but I’m in a situation where I have to plan it strategically. It’s fine bc he’s off doing whatever lies he wants to tell me every night. I used to cry but now I don’t really care anymore. During this time I’m planning. Can’t wait! I have been a very giving, loving, person and hope one day I can share my full self with someone wonderful. And if not, then I’m just excited to be on my own again. My happiest years were before being in a relationship ! 😊
Good luck for the future and hope all works out for you. X
Good luck!
I was once in the same boat. Daydreaming about how sweet my time alone would be once I walked away. And I was soooo right. I’m so much happier alone and ready to rewrite MY story! I’m so happy for you!!!
Good luck! Let us know when you are out.
Congratulations on the courageous choice. And even happier years will be after this relationship. I experienced that, and it's wonderful.
It's worse when you're married to someone and they change as soon as the vows are said. When you realize they'll never change and will only get worse, it's time to leave. It's not worth it to stay married to someone who got you to commit to them through lies.
Shari Peterson. Ur saying absolutely right.
That’s exactly where I’m at. Leaving because I realized after the wedding that he lied to trick me into saying yes. I’m not going to waste anymore time on someone who can’t be honest.
@@juliam1721 Please don't let him know you're leaving. My nex-husband became very dangerous as soon as he figured out I'd been packing my things. I don't want you to get hurt. Make arrangements when he's at work. Make sure you're not at home where he may have hidden cameras or tape recorders. Also, he may have put an app on your phone that you don't know about so try to have it checked out too. When he's at work have people come to move you all at once. If you own the house, change the locks on the door, get his remote for the garage door or have the code changed, and have an alarm system installed. If you have proof that he's dangerous, get a restraining order.
Psychopathic behavior.
Don't think for 1 second he's just going to let you leave.
Definitely have silence on your plans and intentions, and help/counselor experienced with narcissistic abuse/safe places to hide with people you trust who will not tell him or anyone where you are.
Plan. Pray.
No matter how you try to hide it, he'll likely pick up that there's a change in you "something you're hiding" and will start provoking and harassing you and spying on you to get you to admit it, and cast you out before you are ready, etc.
@@sharipeterson1126 I made it out and am ok. Thank you for your reply and advice. I wanted to reply sooner but am finally getting the opportunity. Huge hugs 💗
I’m 15 and watching this and I learned so much! I think it’s important to learn these type of stuff at an earlyish age Thank you☺️❤️
I sure wish I had watched or heard this when I was your age!!!
Pay it forward....educate your friends.
Gloryvious. Well done for tapping into posts like this. I wish that, when I was your age that there were classes in school which would go into such an important issue as having good life skills. It is what life is really about and affects everyone from birth to death. I'm a 56 year old woman with two grown up children who never struggles with history, geography or the formation of the Big Bang in our known/unknown universe. So what? Live a good life and continue to watch worthwhile posts to make your life as good as it gets. More importantly, live your life outside of the internet if you can. You are a baby, enjoy that.
Yes you are saving yourself mistakes. Make sure to read online too science articles about healthy happy love
You are correct. Also learn about narcissists before dating. Dr. Ramani has awesome videos on narcissism.
Definitely, I think it’s a subject schools should be teaching kids your age, relationships can back people and know what a healthy relationship should be is key to avoid unhealthy ones.
Matthew is so right. I innately have a moral compass that tells me that an omission of the truth is a lie. I met someone last December. We dated for about 4 months, and he disappeared on me 4 weeks later 😔 I always had a feeling that he wasn’t opening up to me, and it was because he would vaguely give me information in a way that in the first few weeks of seeing one another that left me wondering where I stood with him. It’s a shame that women must have the intuition and courage to ask the right questions.
That's so painful, and I'm sorry to hear. Sounds like he has a pretty poor character, and would never have made a good partner.
You have to take time to get to know a person pretty well.
That's what my ex did. And we barely dated a month. 2nd month became a bit messier for us but he was still down to be with me, so I took it as a sign of him still being interested in me. Then boom, here comes June & he's avoiding to even spend alone time with me. Then he broke up, left me with so many confusing reasons. He literally doesn't even realize how much whatever he says being "not so serious" hurted me but at the same time, he did supported me a lot but that was as a friend. I shoulda seen his friendliness for that only. I still sometimes think if he could give me that 2nd chance. Mhm, I wonder if 2nd chances do exist
Loved what you wrote re Intuition. As Maya Angelou said: "if it Feels Wrong.... (ie usually we get it- Straight away but shove it down & ignore it to our detriment); it usually is!..
..
It is the truth"
Something like that
"Be kind in your tone, but ruthless in your actions."
Nice!
How can one be ruthless in their actions?
I know the first part is probably not yelling or using strong language..
@@throughbellaseyes It means, without apology, do what is good for you-- but be kind when stating your decisions when someone you have a relationship with wants you to do something else.
Not even 15 minutes in and Matt explains how to find love properly. The avoidant partner I’ve experienced and it’s so painful. Matt is brilliant.
Men most definitely stop putting in the effort. You get a year tops of him really trying to win you over if you’re lucky. Women are expected to make sure their makeup is nice, shave their legs, underarms, and elsewhere, have their eyebrows waxed, have nice nails, smooth and soft skin, sexy clothes, fabulous hair, etc… You expect us to maintain that perfection for the rest of our lives, forking out a fortune to look good for you, but then complain that you have to pay for dinner. It’s a crap ton of work when you probably didn’t bother to shave, you threw on a tshirt and a pair of jeans or khakis, brushed your hair, and hopefully used some deodorant and cologne. The standards are most definitely different.
You nailed it. And those are just the PHYSICAL requirements. How many men actually have a shred of emotional maturity, can conceive of what it means to actually 'connect' with a woman, or can participate in a meaningful conversation that isn't all about them and their achievements? If I wanted a child to take care of, I would have had one by now. 🙄
You are both spot on!!
I don't want a man to love bomb me though. I'd rather see the real him instead of a fantasy guy who will change. Show me who you are right away and I will admire and respect that!
I love what you said about asking the hard questions. I have found it hard to find a guy who is able to have the harder conversations. They don’t have to be toxic or anything, we just need to be able to talk through things when clarity is needed.
Maturity in men is a rare commodity these days!
Be careful of the man who rarely, if ever, wants to go out. The last two I dated made it through 3-4 dates out and about before everything became staying home, ordering in food and watching a movie, usually something only they wanted to see. It was cozy at first because I'm a bit of an introvert, but within 2 months it was suffocating! I heard all kinds of excuses. I have OCD and theaters freak me out. I can't, my anxiety won't let me. I'm a misanthrope and you're the only person I can stand. I don't want to spend money at the club, we can dance in my living room. We might run into someone I know and you'll leave me for him. YUCK! All those lazy, possessive lame excuses had me running away and glad to be rid of them.
That is pretty sad, sorry to hear that. You will be better off with someone who actually wants to make an effort going out with you.
Men are cheap. They expect everything for free
I'm done with men , Iam getting myself a beagle puppy
Ha i would prefer a puppy too even a pitbull lol
Puppies are also a lot of work, but it's Soo worth it for genuine love and affection daily.
Just one caveat - you need to be careful that someone who is very invested in you isn't a highly narcissistic or a narcissist. Maybe the blueprint is that narcissistic types are OVER invested in you.
Yeah, for a little while just enough to to get you hooked then it’s all about them. Ughhhhh.😩😩😩
I am leaving this one to you lord. Please give me one of your best guys!! Please guide me through this
My prayer too
I just avoid every type of guy. The secret to happiness;-)
Has been working for me flawlessly.
🤣🤣
Preach!!😅💜
Yesss
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣❤
“You have to assume that who they are today is who they’re going to be in the future “
That and they’ll be worse too by the way.
The problem is when we put "All of our crazy" on the table it can be used against us by the very people we are asking for help > being taken advantage of through our own vulnerability by the very people who are claiming to "helpl" us!
I regret trying to solve an exes problem with where I lived. The truth of it was he couldn’t be bothered to try to overcome the distance, he wanted to maintain his lifestyle as it was. So unimpressed was I at his lack of effort words not matching deeds I let him go. I would say it’s a process and all women get there in the end. Very good video thank you.
56:56 absolutely spot on - when something is off, you don't know why, and you doubt yourself.
1:01:43 looking for justification.
Good segment, these are excellent life skills beyond dating. Thank you!
I learned a magic phrase. Quit having expectations! That simple. Let life happen and stop getting ahead of yourself.
If the reaction is hysterical then it’s historical 🤯👏🏾👏🏾
I literally just left a relationship that wasn't serving me this past Saturday. Thank you Matthew and Stephan for your insight and perspective.
good luck to you and stay strong,you did what is best for you ;)
Congratulations because you are on your way it was in that wasn’t even in one little part and it’s something that the other party wasn’t willing to fix that the reason why a lot of women on the phone and relationships that are good for them.
Sometimes that one problem call me what trickles into other parts of the relationship not working, such as communication.
My last partner had major communication problem in many areas of communication that made it extremely difficult to communicate with him regardless of how I approached things because there were always excuses or nitpicking that I needed to say it this way or that way and I realized he was just doing everything in his power to resist just being vulnerable and open even to the point that for months and he says he’s been holding stuff back and it’s because he’s afraid to communicate and he even told me in the beginning his fear is it’ll lead to something that ends.
And eventually, of course we broke up!
I think of men as pilots. If a pilot says he's not ready to fly, it would be foolish to force him into the cockpit. No matter what the reasons are, no one will say 'fly the plane anyway'. Not ready means not ready.
Entitlement just because of being a man without doing the work is the biggest red flag and just makes things difficult. Fussing over food, never wants to see you shine or get better, judging whatever body shape you are in or want to be, normal conversations are next to impossible because "women talk too much"... The list is endless.
Find a (rare) man who understands "I shine when you shine" and treat him just as well.
Their logically sound reasons aren't your responsibility to solve. 100% agree. Thinking this way helped me see the red flags, admit they were red flags, and deal with the good girl Christian guilt I felt about not wanting to do everything necessary to heal my marriage. I hope anyone reading this that is hurting can also, learn how to stop listening to that story by "well-meaning" others about how immaturity is the problem and your job is to be a helpmate. There's nothing like the Power of Clarity.
It is not "helpful" and certainly NOT "CHRISTLIKE" to allow someone to continue on life thinking it's ok to hurt others and there's no consequences to themselves for it.
The church needs to stop enabling the abuse of women and holding the men in the church accountable.
But, since the attitude that women are just supposed to take it or they are not good wives has came from and existed from the TOP/leadership down, I don't expect changes until they die off and maybe better will take their place.
I don't go to church for some years now.
Well said.
So true...
We have an illusion that they will change once we become married but that’s not the truth. We change our self to please their needs, but they don’t change themselves to accommodate our needs . A lot of men are emotionally unavailable
Because he does not love you.
i love the "k / ok" story! because you were able to express how it made you feel, whether other people felt that way or not didnt matter, to you it made you feel bad. and you didnt ask for much! you didnt ask for a paragraph or a story, you just asked for another letter. and that made you feel heard, and then from then on, being able to read "ok" feels more full, more real, etc. and i just really love that story ❤️❤️❤️
Matthew is so eloquent and such a fluid speaker….Spot on with everything he has said…Thankyou Matthew!🙏❣️
I've been with 2 narcissists and I've studied the 9 traits extensively to come to that conclusion.
The first 4 months they will treat you like a king. Once they've got you and know you are serious about them they will slowly start to relax and be their true selves.
Great video, thanks for sharing. He is very clever
yes, avoid the narcissist
I don't think there is a time frame for them, they just wait until they feel they fully have you and you can't leave. Mine waited well over a year, until after we had a baby and got married, to show his real face.
Some men will not be as upfront to say, I don’t want a relationship with you, I think it’s important to assess the actions of a person before you fall for them. Actions speak a thousand words.
Yessssssss
That's the key difference there, "I don't want to have a relationship *with you* "
They always try to make it seem like they're "good people" by avoiding to say that. The truth is, it has the opposite effect. "it's not about you, it's me", yeah you're right you just don't want me.
That's okay, but don't try to feel less guilty about it by gaslighting me.
And it's not my fault you changed your mind later. I'm not there anymore 😊
@@samf.s8786 yip the twist and the turns are pretty real 👍, sometimes I can’t relate listening to these shows as they talk as if everyone is straightforward and it’s so far from the truth
I agree ✅
Men who cannot be upfront and honest with their wives ( or wives to husbands) need to get the help they need psychologically, too. You cannot have a relationship without honesty- you have to let yourself be vulnerable and yes, that means getting hurt, sometimes. I know I’m my case, I worked to be his everything and really gave away who I was for the sake of our kids, and our marriage. Then he sneaks around behind my back and can’t tell me he’s cheating? Can’t facd me to say he lied over and over and over? Cowardice. My husband won’t serve me papers bc he knows he has abused me physically emotionally psychologically. Yet, when I finally had enough and said I was reporting him he stonewalls. We have kids! We still have to be grown ups and discuss life, our kids, etc. he refuses and lies to himself. I feel so sorry for him. He’s going to regret letting this girl go bc I WAS honest with him. I was good and faithful and lived him, making excuses for his abuse. He could go get help but he’s a narcissist
Regarding connection: it's very urgent that I tell you that a connection with another person can stem from things like trauma and limerence. When you're a survivor of childhood trauma and you meet someone who hits on those aspects of things you were longing to have closure on, it can become a very strong bond from a soulful place. You have to be very careful. The question becomes, what are you going to do with it? Will you live out these patterns with people who have traits of your abusive parent? Or will you take pause and see it for what it is. Stop those cycles babe. We should never adapt to less. Don't ever crap fit because you feel a connection because sometimes, it's trauma, babe.
if you love someone, you love someone.
i think people try to make a lot of excuses, but if once someone's physicality changes your "love" for them fades, it was never love to begin with.
Our physical bodies changing is inevitable and unexpected/uncontrollable things happen. even our personalities may change a bit over time as we go through different life experiences.
I see where your perspective is. But also love can also be putting up boundaries, which can include a severance of contact depending on what changes or events happen in life.
@@delsings define love to start
@@remiogunremi9751 love is usually a practice of caring about someone without expectations or conditions, at least in one context. The word is multi-faceted really. The instance I mentioned would be in regards to love of oneself I guess?
You don't marry someone because you care about them either.
Just dumped by guy I dated a little over a month. Great chemistry, he was attentive and we had a ton of fun. We even started dance lessons together. Last week out of the blue he texts and now says he has 'too much on his plate right now'. Happened right after I asked to see him more than 3.5 hours a week. What the heck?? So my biggest sin was wanting to spend more time to with him??
Don't put the blame on you. He was the problem
Yes
He only wanted to give that for now.
Men can be very career focused, which isn't a bad thing. It's when they can't put it down ever, is the problem.
Hard to say with only a month if he's like that or not. He may just be working towards a goal right now. Could be bad timing for now and maybe later 😁👍
The guy was emotionally unavailable, I've been there before. You deserve someone who is emotionally healthy and available.
I’m not saying he’s wrong but at least he was honest, I’ve been with a guy for 4 years it was instant chemistry, I felt like he was a good guy with his own issues of shutting down and I am impulsive so, now I’m not sure if he’s manipulating me because he can’t seem to say the truth and yet he shuts him self down every time he feels threaten, so I’d appreciate if he comes and say something at least like I have too much on my plate but instead he just leaves me wondering and sometimes comes back with a dismissive phrase saying I want to fix us and that’s about it…
Better to find out so early count your blessings
@27:00 “be kind in your tone, but ruthless in ur actions”
Are you reading my mind right now, I am an absolute flake, honestly me and online, think I seriously need to keep off social media. Never ever tell someone online you like them. You don't know them, you may never know them. If you are in an unhappy relationship just get out of it, become happy even it means spending the rest of your life alone.
Solid insights! There is a huge power in asking the right questions. Saves a ton of time too!
This man has such depth, such understanding of human behavior, he can be a big resource of solving problems of millions of people.
More power to both of you.😇🙏
I love this channel so much! It teaches me so much, which will help me to teache my kids too 💚
And I totally get Lisa,when you said,that you love dressing up for yourself, it feels good! But a lot of people think you're dressing up for someone or something! We don't need reasons for dressing up🥰
The curiosity sometimes can be stopped by the other part (man or woman) because no response is coming to it, therefore the conclusion arrive eventually.
Best advice ever!
In a nutshell for me: stop assuming (hoping, denying, projecting)….start observing!
As cynical as it may sound to some, with each day that passes in my late 30s I find myself becoming more and more at peace with remaining single.
I am working on forgiving myself for throwing myself at men, begging for their love, and begging for them to treat me right, lol - cringe.
I’m happy to be at a place where I no longer feel the need in seeking a man’s companionship, especially because I certainly do not have it in me anymore to start over again with someone new; investing time and energy into someone and something only for them to wake up one morning and decide that they’re “over it”.
Oh well.
It’s all too complicated of a game for me so I tap thee absolute 🤬 out. However, I wish everyone else success in getting the relationship they desire. ❤️😘💐
I'm almost 35 and feeling every word of this. 🙌🙌🙌 f*ck relationships, honestly. So over it.
Enjoy being with you, first, absolutely. Healthy relationships will only add to that foundation. Not chip it away. Wishing you a great week ahead 🤙
💜
❤️
Exactly how I feel at 32
I just love hearing him speak… it’s like Harry Potter giving me relationships advice! Lol
Thank you for being so prosocial and positive and opening up yourselves enough to role-model healthy communication for us ✨🙏✨
Yesss you couldn’t have had Matthew come on at a better time❤️ I needed to hear this
This guy knows what he’s talking about, his various opinions and view points on the subjects and topics of discussion in this interview really resonated with me, I’m sure it won’t with others but that’s just life isn’t it?!
Relationships are too much work. I love being single and I’ve fully embraced it. Anyone else her completely over relationships? I feel I’ve evolved past them.
Here*
Yes I'm over it. Its hard work and I don't want to fix anyone anymore. I've had immature men and if I eventually meet a mature man I might be impressed. Can't see me falling in love again I'm too weary of men.
I want to be in a relationship, but I'm not willing to make it a good relationship all by myself.
What do you do get over the feeling of wishing/wanting a companion? Is the idea of putting in efforts or not finding someone worthy enough the reasons for you to choosing singlehood?
Anything worth having requires work.
Exactly what I needed to hear, right when I was ready to receive it! ✨👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Dating after 6 months you'll have a better flavor for who he is. You'll see the real him, you'll made excuses if you are in a weakened state of heart. Should you go ahead and marry him, you'll see the mistake you said I DO to...
Think 🤔 long and hard-
Life can be beautiful or full of misery and sorrow...
Work on building a healthy relationship and falling in love with the person that you see everyday, who has been through so much pain and heartache, but still manages to gets through it all.❤️
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
This advice is golden!! It gave me the perspective I needed to get out of a state of confusion
He had me at ‘stop the story’!
A year on - do I regret all the months pain and suffering the end of the relationship caused me? I’m not sure. I felt the highs were so incredible I’d regret not having had that in my life. The pain was/is great but I dread going back to a life of no passion. The story was a surprise and I went along with it even though my intuition was warning me. Now it’s time to work out a path for a middle way between the fantasy and the reality. Wouldn’t that be great!
What was so great? And what was so bad?
Matthew provides such informative videos on relationships to help people! Great that you were able to collaborate with him on your channel Lisa. Enjoyed this video - both the questions you ask and his responses which are authentic and honest!
And we all get to know and have prove yooouuuuu guys suck
im just loving it.. matt hussey and lisa is the best combo ever
One thing I’m puzzled about until this day is: I’ve known men having this relationship for years, where everyone assumed this was it, he’s in for the long run, but suddenly the relationship ends mostly because he didn’t want to commit and six months later he’s married to someone else! Why? Really?
Cause he’s just not that into you/her.
@@hellcat3586 Yes, I get that part, what I wonder is why they need to drag on a relationship that has no future 🤷♀️
@@kerynl.sanchez9891 I’m sure they get comfortable and enjoy all the benefits of the relationship even without commitment. It takes 2 to make a relationship work.
So perhaps the woman is doing all the work and pouring all her love on him expecting nothing but the idea of earning his commitment eventually.
And she’ll never get it. She has turned herself into that man’s mother that he gets to sleep with as well.
These guys usually just live in the moment and don’t know what they want. But they want to receive all the attention and benefit from a very loving partner they don’t really deserve.
@@kerynl.sanchez9891 because you just like him to use you.
@@keepcreationprocess Didn’t happen to me, I just know men like that and I’m sure people doesn’t “like” to be used, that’s not the point 😒
This was excellent . I’m going to listen to it again . So much good information. Thank you
Oh snap! I just realised that the whole "valuating potential" mindset has been a reflection of how I've been incapable of valuating myself.
Patterns of three. First time you notice. Second time it's a red flag. Third time it's a pattern and you know who you are dealing with and you can go full-metal Mayou Angelou. And the people around me all banged on about how amazing my ex was before I succumbed. I allowed peer pressure to short circuit my intuition. YES, The second gentleman nailed it when he says many women will give bad advice so they don't have to look at their own choices. Turns out, my 'fabulous' ex was a narcissist with no whole object relations and object constancy, a true Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde. We could never work through any conflict, EVER. Coming to him with compassion and vulnerability was either a waste of time or even dangerous. And I never told people about the truly bad stuff he did b/c I was worried they would judge me for staying. Shame. I was ashamed. Maybe some of this is generational. I'm a Boomer. Again, the above conversation seems to be about normal, flawed, people, which is interesting to me because I've never actually been in relationship with one, so I, at 61, five years after the final discard, am ready to consider maybe trying to go on a date, so thank you for the above wisdom. I'd like to see this very intelligent, thoughtful, knowledgable young man/men in a panel discussion with Dr Ramani or Dr Malkin or all three.
There is so much information here that is so essential to know in relationships, I want to watch this pod cast over and over again so not to miss anything he said ❤
This is an amazing talk. And exactly what I need to hear right now. Thank you
I use to dump emotional stuff all the time without realizing it in the moment. In my mind I was under the impression that I was just sharing how I felt with friends without appropriately going about it. I've come a long way since then and still plowing ahead. If I can do it anyone can. Still learning everyday. Great content. Keep at it :)
Theres a difference between him losing interest and just getting scared of his own feelings and unhealed wounds..
The result is the same. He’s not there.
One of the very best relationship videos I've ever watched. I'm book- marking it and taking notes.
Mathew Hussey : this world would not have been the same without you
I love your interviews, your work and everything you're doing to help people all over the world ❤
You guys are amazing. There are certain words uve used to describe how one can articulate themselves better in relationships. I've learnt a lot
Thank you Matthew for the advice. For making us young women smarter and saving us from future heartaches. It's true that we fall inlove with potential but thanks to you we know better now.
wow, this was truly exactly what I needed to hear to stave off the advances of my ex. thank you so much. I was really convinced that he was reaching out to me out of concern for me and to comfort me, but now I see that he's just trying to soothe himself with the facade of good will. :|
Relationships are so complicated - forget it! Now let me enjoy my mcflurry ice-cream.
Man, I’m only 10 mins in and my mind is blown trying to take it all in. This is really good information.
Are you a woman? Romeo.
@@keepcreationprocess I’m not but I date men. Is that a problem?
My experience says that never read between the lines about the love emotions of someone... Because if someone gives mix signals it will eventually get u mixed-up. Go for it only if its very clear .
Excellent way to put it!
Emotional Compatibility and Communication:
🧠 Instead of getting entangled in logical reasons and trying to solve the problems, it's important to simplify and focus on whether or not someone is able to give you what you want emotionally, regardless of the logic they present.
🧠 Our brains make calculations and fill in gaps to support the story we want to believe, whether it's finding evidence of love or fueling insecurities.
💔 If someone says something that hurts their own motives or ends the game, you can trust that part because it shows their honesty and sincerity.
⚖ Pay attention to whether someone's actions align with their words, as intentions may differ but it doesn't necessarily make them a villain, just not the right match for you.
💑 Expressing your desire to give your full attention to someone and asking if they feel the same way can help establish exclusivity and avoid misunderstandings.
💡 "I'm such an advocate for asking the hard questions... emotionally sober."
🚩 When someone says things that haven't been earned yet in the relationship, it's a red flag because it's based on an idea they have of you or a feeling they enjoy, rather than a genuine connection.
💪 Being vulnerable in a classy way, with the right frequency, allows others to understand our insecurities without making them responsible for our emotional state.
🧐 Our tendency to jump to the worst possible motive in relationships may stem from a desire to protect ourselves from disappointment or catastrophic thinking.
😳 Confirmation bias can lead us to justify our actions and interpret messages in a way that aligns with what we want, rather than facing the reality of the situation.
Relationship Dynamics and Growth:
💍 The third stage of a relationship is commitment, where both parties have expressed a mutual desire to be together.
🏰 Building a strong and unique relationship is like constructing a castle together, with secret rooms and intricate details that make it special.
💑 Inviting your partner to share their perspective and concerns, showing that you are a team and willing to work on improving the relationship together.
⚠ When there is a difference in energy and effort in a relationship, it's important to catch it early and address the gap, rather than becoming bitter and resentful.
💔 The speaker had to set boundaries with their partner to ensure their needs were being met in the relationship.
Red Flags in Behavior and Expectations:
💑 "In dating, the pitch is often 'I would like to sleep with you,' and anything someone says that helps their pitch should be taken with caution."
💔 "I wish I still had it was that you would take care of me like you used to" - A major red flag in a man is when he expects his partner to fulfill traditional gender roles and take care of him.
🚩 Pay attention to situations where something feels wrong or there is a disconnect between someone's words and their behaviour, as it could be a major red flag.
Wow. I’ve always loved both of you but THIS is one of your best. So many women AND men need to hear this. Please share.
The best man I've ever heard! Love youuu ! Thanks Lisa for saving my life
The best part emotional maturity period. How you or they REACT! Also communication
that part about the avoider and not asking the difficult questions is amazing...
Do yourself a favor and avoid themALL!!!
🙏🏽🤲🏽🛐📿🧎🏽♀️👏🏽❤️💐
The fantasy we create when meeting someone is called limerance.
cool word,
New Sub, I really enjoyed this episode 💯 Married 31 years and this is some WONDERFUL advise for so many people out there. I wish I had this knowledge at my fingertips back when I first started dating or before I got married bc it would have helped me SO much! These are things I had to learn over decades so this is where the internet, UA-cam, podcasts, etc... can definetly save people YEARS of heartache, wasted time and energy. I love seeing women build other women up too, I'm looking forward to watching more of your videos 🙏
😮" liar vs avoider" bit
brave woman here, really appreciate this, 12 years in.
Yeah man, "ignore your teath and you will lose them" same thing you can say "ignore your beloved and you will lose him/her"
Instead of going in with curiosity we go in with a story wow that is huge🔥😊👋
Thanks Lisa, for providing shows and asking great questions on behalf of us single ladies.
First time tuning into your channel. Great video. You and your guests were so insightful and wise. Thanks so much for creating this to share your wisdom.
Who they are today is who they will be. I love that!!!
“I love you but there is too much obstacles to be with you so I cannot continue.” And he just Leave me shuttered, broke my dream into pieces. 💔
You have asked him all the right questions. he has shared all the answers I needed to hear
I know who to avoid deep down , it seems it is not convincing enough. In reality, there is a river , I dont cross when I know I will be in deep drowning . It is better to be hated than to be preyed for.
This is brilliantly put!!
First of all I have a massive crush on this guy now 😳 (Don’t worry, it’s still stage one).
Also, can somebody please make the part between 52:36 - 54:06 into a short/reel to be able to share it, because I think more people need to hear this, I absolutely love it! What if everybody in the world would realize that their nr 1 job is to take care of themselves.. ♥️