The TOP QUESTIONS A Narcissist CAN’T ANSWER! (Spot The Narcissist) | Dr. Ramani
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- Опубліковано 5 тра 2024
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On Today's Episode:
There are some statistics that report 1 in 4 women have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner, while other stats report more than 40% of women in emotionally abusive relationships.
When you think of dating and being in a relationship with a romantic partner, Dr. Ramani reminds us in this episode that safety should be a high priority and concern. Neglecting the importance of safety and disregarding red flags that she and Lisa discuss in this episode can easily lead to patterns and behaviors that are unwanted, unsafe, and painful to escape with time.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a repeat guest and favorite on Women of Impact. She’s a clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic traits and behaviors.
This conversation is about breaking the silence and helping women to reclaim the power we’ve lost and handed over to the wrong people in our lives.
“Evil enters like a needle and spreads like an oak tree” - Dr. Ramani
Check out Dr. Ramani’s new podcast, Navigating Narcissism: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast...
Take a look at Dr. Ramani’s Monthly Healing Program: doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
SHOW NOTES:
0:00 | Introduction to Dr. Ramani
0:07 | Questions That Raise Red Flags
6:54 | Are They Really Interested?
10:02 | Know Your Personal Red Flags
16:16 | How Narcissists Test Easy Targets
19:28 | Narcissistic Love Is This…
28:14 | Narcissists Don’t Support Your Success
35:24 | A Relationship Based in Fear
39:30 | Being Crushed by Narcissists
45:25 | Losing “Friends” to Narcissistic Lies
52:38 | Recognize the Isolation Game
56:33 | How to End A Narcissistic Relationship
1:00:03 | Who Gets Sucked In By Narcissists?
1:03:44 | Narcissistic Family Systems
1:07:18 | Helping Someone in Narcissistic Relationship
1:16:17 | What Works For Your Dating Life?
1:23:07 | Stop Giving Your Power Away!
QUOTES:
“It’s almost less of what the narcissist is doing and more of the story we’re telling ourselves about what they are doing.” [0:42]
“What narcissistic people are really skilled at is learning everything about you so they can outplay you.” [6:16]
“For all the damn time people spend in gyms, I would love it if people would actually spend time strengthening their boundaries.” [9:24]
“My red flags aren’ always someone else’s. Sure there’s the universal ones, but beyond that they tend to be really personal.” [13:02]
“For a narcissistic person it’s a very shallow experience. It’s about validation, it’s about attention, it’s about admiration, it’s about short-term pleasure, […] that’s what they mean by love.” [19:48]
“When we talk about love, we talk about romance, we talk about fun, we talk about sex, what we don’t talk enough abut is safety.” [24:35]
“You’ve got to judge the relationship on those bad days, not the good days, and too many people judge narcissistic relationship on the good days.” [27:01]
“I’d argue that fear is the heart of the narcissistic relationship, [...] you’re constantly afraid of doing, or saying, or being the wrong thing.” [35:32]
“Don’t go D.E.E.P., [...] don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain, and don’t personalize.” [40:57]
“Friends and other social relationships are an essential part of a healthy human being.” [53:42]
“As their friend and supporter you can’t get invested in the outcome. All you can be invested in is being a good friend to them. [1:10:24]
“Different people make different deals with the devil.” [1:10:53]
“The world has suffered from people being so crushed by these relationships.” [1:25:38]
Follow Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
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Twitter: / doctorramani
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Podcast: doctor-ramani.com/podcasts-fea...
How do you protect yourself from narcissists?
Knowledge is power. I wish the signs of psychological and emotional abuse would be taught at school along with meditation and other self care methods. Thanks for sharing this video. To everyone reading this: sending extra love and light your way. Keep filling your cup with self-love. And keep actively healing your trauma. Therapy is for everyone& contributes to a less ignorant, more loving society. Which changes for a better future can YOU make today?! 💛🌞🌻
I distance myself and focus on detaching. That’s the ONLY way trust me. It’s hard but it’s doable and when you realize that you can only heal in their absence, it’ll become automatic. The danger is when they try coming back around and turning up their charm. This is where this content becomes helpful.
When my ex left me 20 years ago it was the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I defend myself by remembering how I felt at that time, I've protected myself above all others which has resulted in fabulous, narcissistic free relationships. Celebrating 16 years married to the exact opposite of my first husband. There is hope, putting your mental health before all others is not selfish, it's necessary.
Dr. Ramani ❤ A gift to the world!
Lisa Bilyeu ❤ A perfect host!
With profound gratitude, I thank you both!
Namaste with much love ❤
Tell them "no" early and often. Do it to things they want, not just benign stuff they can blithely smile and nod to. Watch how they respond to your boundaries. Even the most veteran, sneaky narcs will give themselves away if you show on multiple tries that you prioritize yourself over their whims.
“You can't force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” “You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.” “Stay away from people who can't take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.”✨☘️🙏
Amen!
@@Kimberly-im6on God bless you dear Kimberly ✨☘️🙏
So well written, “ but you can refuse to be disrespected “. That is profound!
@@karengodan5205 God bless you dear Karen Godan, thank you :-Hope & pray, life's being extremely good to you in more recent times & praying you will be abundantly blessed forevermore ✨ ☘️ 🙏
Your warmth is so appreciated. God bless you too and always love yourself and all your blessings.
"You've got to judge the relationship on its bad days, not on its good days." - Bingo! That really got to me...
Sugar just makes the poison taste better. It's still poison
I think paying attention to your body is so underrated, when you feel something is off even if you can't intellectually figure out what it is, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE WRONG
Trust your gut! It knows what your brain hasn’t yet figured out!
Exactly!
and it does not mean that you are right either, does it?
Someone might consider the following thoughts/ideas when adhearing to their intuition/ gut feeling to get an even better outcome in the long run.
Feel free to give it a thought or dismiss it completly. Have a great day either way!
1. ) The devil lies - as most of the times - in the details.
2.) You may need to let your gut & brain talk with each other to figure things out if you arent already doing it.
That would akin to the "mind and body form a unity" approach.
If you need some more help with translating your gut feeling the following might come in useful:
You may start asking yourself "What does this gut feeling wants me to know?", "Hey gut, thanks for taking care of me. Do you have any images or memories i could use to translate this peculiar feeling? I want to try and do my best to do us both right" and maybe be surprised when you get an answer.
3.) This whole trusting your gut feeling is predicated on the notion that you have a "healthy gut feeling factory". Unresolved trauma, active psychopathologies, high stress, poor diet etc will alter your perceptions and might change your gut feeling accuracy:
someones nervous system is a highly tuned and extremely sensitive mechanism which when even off by a little bit can produce vastly diffferent outcomes.
Things to be aware of:
When push comes to shove this system will rather produce a false positive then risking anything: Better sorry then dead.
Be espacially aware that it does not judge things the same way your brain does. Thats why 2.) may prove useful in the long run.
Summary or TL;DR:
Gut power is nothing without mind control :D
Nah when you are uncomfortable you can't do shit until you get away from the person making you feel that way. @@watchingbrain
@@VxiceheartxV
That is not what i meant to aim at but i can see how it can be interpretated that way.
Let me put it more bluntly & harshly so there are hopefully no more misunderstandings:
If you are getting any gut reaction of that magnitude you might do yourself a favour by asking yourself some quick questions, just to be sure that you dont jump a gun which isnt there:
am i reacting to a real danger or am i maybe reacting to a false positive/ projection/ trauma etc? Do i maybe need to grow the heck up or is this actually a threat?
You have a gut and it spoke its truth.
Now let your mind speak too. Maybe it has something to add.
Maybe even make a quick personal list of 5 things you know might interfere with your gut. You hopefully know some of your blind spots.
Your gut feeling is a warning sign which you shouldnt ignore by any means but to drive my point home:
A gut feeling is also by no means a perfect system to always rely on without at least a quick "reality check".
All this is meant as an extra layer of protection and not to dimiss the gut feelings someone has.
Did i make myself clearer?
"Tell me the story of you." ... Every narcissist I've met has asked me a similar question. Narcissists want to find out as much about you as they can, without sharing about themselves; so they can mirror you, and learn how to love bomb you. My reply to questions like this, is, 'I'm not here to monologue, let's have a conversation instead'. I guarantee they will not be able to have a simple conversation because they haven't weaseled enough info out of you to be able to mirror you. If he/she cannot hold up half of a conversation, walk away.
Yep!
Straight on ❤
According to the speaker here, that'd paint you as a narcissist. 😅 I don't know how you could set up a self confirming bias better.
haha this is a funny comment. no wonder dating is a mess these days either if advice like this is being shared enough women.
@comfortouch u missed the point by 180°. This woman RECOMMENDED ppl should be asking their first dates, “tell me the story of you” 0:52 and listening closely to how it’s answered bc of the way narcissists will answer it.
She did NOT state, “narcissists will ask you to tell them the story of you”. Your whole premise that lead you to spit fire and hostility in your imaginary scenario is completely backwards…😆
That said, a woman comes at me w/ “I’m not here to monologue” I couldn’t leave faster than if the building were engulfed in flames.
"They don't want you to be strong ,they don't want you to succeed,they don't want you to be independent . Narcissm is all about dominance ,power and control ."
I am so grateful for my husband, who is the opposite of a narcissist. I was just thanking him yesterday for all the times he has encouraged me to take a class, travel, see my friends & family, start a business, and do whatever makes me happy. No only that, but he has fully supported me when I did these things - making my meals, doing the laundry, driving so I could do something fun, or anything else he can think of to help me. Having grown up in an abusive household with a narcissistic parent, it's like I am living in an alternate universe. I never, in my wildest dreams, could have dreamt up a husband like him. There are amazing people out there; may y'all find someone amazing to share your life with, if that's what you want. 💚
Right? F them all
Wow, can you clone him please? @@1Seriouslyserious
Yes yes! How do you leave and walk away when it's your own parents and elderly. They have been abusive my entire life. They now are taking control threatening to ruin my life where I can lose my home and trying to split up my wonderful relationship with my brother.
I really never paid to much attention to this stuff about narcissists until I heard the true meaning of it, and it just hit me, Yes, this is my father… my whole family does not know a thing about how he treats his family. My poor mom… the crap we had to deal with and watch as my father sat there and made my mom cry all the time is really heartbreaking. If I could just record him so my aunts can see how he really is…. He thinks that none of us can live without him. We need him he always said. He took off, I don’t remember for how long but it was when we were very young, he packed his suitcase and left, i felt so happy, but then he came home. 😢 He wanted my mom to see for herself how much she needs him.
I’m eternally grateful for my narcissistic ex. I now have discernment to the point of being psychic. Learn what you’re supposed to from these relationships.
Same with me I’m grateful because I have learned so much I can smell their BS before I see them Super thankful !!!!
Y brain is fryed from them
Same, I can see them so easily now.
Did any of u guys have them give u gifts
@@vitorinaldi5038 oh yes that's a huge trick so they can have control over you!
When someone starts putting me on a pedestal it raises red flags. If someone is overly flattering it’s very suspicious!
I’m an Empath. I’m extra nice, nurturing and caring . I was brought up by parents that were the same. I’m also a Scorpio. I was raised by strict Catholic parents. These days the values aren’t the same. I dated a guy that got suspicious because I was so giving. I disagree that it’s a red flag.
Yes, sometimes people want to put you on a pedestal just so they can knock you off!
As soon as someone does too much for me when they first meet me , I put myself on high alert.
A coworker did this to me just recently. I went on high alert and sure enough her narcissism showed up.
She got angry at me because I couldn't fill in for her on the same week that my sister passed away.
Her level of anger left me speechless. The day after the funeral, I went back to work, she found me in the building and told me some weird story about how her neighbor crossed her and died weeks later. Then she stared at me and said, so you're not busy to fill in for me now are you?
I ended up leaving the job, because she was clearly in a narcissistic rage.
How is putting a woman you love on a pedestal a red flag? I thought husbands did this all the time.
I learned that you should not have to ask to be respected. If you have to ask, that's not a reflection of your worth. It's a reflection of their character. Then you move on. No compromise.
Be safe & happy, all you beautifuls. 💕
Tyu2, beautiful; 😊
Walk away! NEXT!
This.
One of my favorite lines from the Narc, "Noone will ever love you like I do". My reply: Thank God!
One of their greatest fears is you will find a happy, better life with someone else, so they invest a lot in convincing you that you won't.
My line of terror was hearing my husband say "I want to return to my first love for you" after I confronted him about his narc issues and told him it was over.
He actually thought he would convince me that was a good thing!
"You think you're all that because I'm talking to you." 🤡
You will never find anyone like me
And you believed that??
My narcissistic soon to be ex-husband has been my greatest teacher in this life so far. What I mean by that is that he taught me that just because I’m confident doesn’t mean I love myself. He taught me all the ways I don’t love myself and open my eyes to the betrayal of myself that I put myself through in this relationship. He is the reason I will never betray myself again. This is the biggest lesson and one of the most important lessons of my life.
Yes! I would constantly tell my ex, "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to experience great pain and strengthen my ability to self soothe. Thank you for showing me who you really are." I took advantage of that relationship so hard. I fell into a stress induced psychosis - lots of paranoia - but I'm on meds now and still in therapy. They are a different breed, man...
I completely feel like I betrayed myself so I know what you mean.
Its def like they teach us to become sovereign
Yes whatever doesn't break us makes us stronger life is a learning lesson and sometimes you have to know the pain to no pleasure
This is exactly the feeling you get...
One thing to be careful of is don’t assume someone is a narcissistic just because they talk about themselves. Many autistic and/or adhd people do this as a way of trying to relate or communicate with others.
The people who are quick to refer to those with adhd or autism as narcissists are generally the actual narcissist. From my own experience anyway and they love trying to make everyone else around think the same. They are such sickos.
100%
Or it could be cultural or due to a lack of contact
True, it depends on what else is with it. Sometimes it's a nervous tic, I think.
Beware people who only _think_ about themselves ;)
I LITERALLY got out of a relationship with a Narcissist when it was pointed out in a therapy session that I was asking how to make HIM happy or appease him........ OMG, my eyes opened like I'd been in a trance when I was told, "I'm tired of hearing what HE wants. I want to know what YOU want." THAT's how bad it was, and still reliving a lot of it daily over the past 8 years, and those years working my butt off in almost every type of therapy they could give me! Jebus!
As opposed to figuratively getting out of a relationship
Yes, or actually leaving. @@theDurgaLove
I've seen people go from strong, confident, studying, have friends and good body....years later after being with a narcissist they lose friends, too tired and stressed to study, gain weight and become isolated.
That's me 😔
So true
@@amberparedes875 same here 😔 I’ve just come to the realization that this is my relationship to a T. Isolated, mentally and emotionally worn, and always walking on egg shells. Now, I’m making my exit plan.
that's ME
Omg, totally me. Trying to become that old self again.
When she said “Do you feel safe?” ..gave me chills. I stayed in a abusive, narcissistic relationship for 10 years. I knew I wasn’t safe, I knew it wasn’t love, yet I stayed and it took soooooo long for me to come to my senses. It’s been 1year since I’ve left my abuser and the healing process is both painful & rewarding.
Sooooo proud of you. Keep going you're stronger than them 🎉
Is there actually life afterwards?
Day 4.
@@theUmovementyes. stay strong 💪
I can understand how you feel. I have been in a relationship for 8months and I loved her like a mad man. Everytime I talk to her I start hating myself. I was treated like trash. But the thing is I am dumb and I would never learn. I still love her very much even after whatever she has done to me... But now I wanna keep distance. It's been a few weeks I took the courage to keep myself away from her but crazy painful too.
So true!
Can't we JUST call narcissists what they really are DEMONS
Agree! Soulless beasts
They are zombies😢
@jewlej that's the exact way to describe them
👿yes indeed...
@jewlej Yes! But I almost feel like it's the opposite! They have to consume others in order to feel as if they are important. They collect souls like a charm bracelet, pretending that they are happy and worthy.
They end up alone, and the only light they have in their life is the charm bracelet in the closet; shining memories and souls of people they never deserved.
What did I learn? That I was half the problem. Nobody wants to admit this, but narcs can only do what they do because we let them. I attracted one narcissist after another, friends, roommates, lovers... male, female. And the common thread between all of them was me. I'm not victim blaming here. For me the big turning point that changed my life and empowered me to the stars was acknowledging that I was creating my own mess. I was as much a victim of myself as I was of my narcs. I could simply define my boundaries and enforce them. But to actually do such a scary thing, I had to become willing to be alone. Once I made the decision to be alone rather than ever tolerate narcissistic behavior again, an amazing thing happened. The narcs disappeared (except for my mother) and healthy, respectful relationships materialized. My life is so different. I cannot stress enough the empowerment that comes with realizing that if you created the mess, you can create something different by making different choices.
I love this
Exactly!
I was raised in an abusive, narcissistic family. My parents kept me locked in my room, away from the rest of the family. Yet, I was a top performing athlete and honor roll student. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind at 12yrs old, because they would cause arguments, then take it a whole other direction, and before I knew it, it was a full blown web. They also took it as far as secluding me from friends at school and requiring that the teachers keep me alone in the classroom or the library during recess and lunch. I moved out 2wks after I turned 18 and have no contact with that cult. It gives me anxiety just thinking about my parents. My memories go as far back as being 6 and 7 years old and my mom sitting me in front of her just slapping both sides of my face Non-Stop and me crying holding my arms out to her thinking in my mind if I tell my mom hold you meaning hold me that she would stop but she would just hit my hands away and keep slapping me til my face was numb. She would also make me lay on the bed on my stomach with my arms and legs spread out and just beating me with the belt. I would go to school the next day with welts and I remember wishing the teachers would ask me what happened but they never did. So I never told anyone. 😱 God had a better plan for me. It's incredible I even made it out. I never look at myself as a victim. I've always turned anything I've gone through into something positive.
No your god gave you those parents.
❤🎉❤ so proud of you 🤗
@@NinaSofia_ thank you 🙏🏽 ❤️❤️❤️
Very courageous of you. Well done!
@@mikaela2331 Thank you so much. It was the best decision I ever made. There’s nothing worse than wanting to make two narcissistic parents proud and never getting their support nor praise. I had to let go.
They punish you with silent treatments, they pull back & withhold intimate moments & sex, they mock us & treat us passive aggressive. Not a safe feeling. Ty
Exactly! Every one of the things you mentioned!
I can't help but flinch at the claim of "withholding" sex - that's the exact language abusive boyfriends with rapist mindsets use. I understand that it's important in a relationship, but if it's such a big deal, then leave the person, don't accuse them of "withholding" (at the guys who did this, not you! Idk if you've said that to anyone or not.)
I never got the silent treatment- I experienced constant talking, questioning, mind numbing noise…constantly; it became like torture
I wish Mine withheld. He’s the opposite. Harassment, intimidation, bullying. No hands on. He wants my reaction. Sex=love to him. Childhood trauma.
@aliceh5289 no its not the same. Narcissist men withhold intimacy as a punishment.
My first thought was, "No" they don't mean true love when they say they love you. My experience is that actions speak louder than words. One of the best ways to know if they love you is by how they treat you. Period. One of the best things a psychologist said to me when I said, "Well, I know my husband loves me." The psychologist said, "Consider this, OJ Simpson loved his wife too." Eye opening for me. Helped me to walk away from him.
Damn… I would say to my life you don’t love me, you say you do but everything you do is at my detriment. You don’t help me in basic life things. Work 16 hours then make new do chores or yell at me or threaten to leave me all the time?
One I decided I’m leaving instead is when she became “victim” and I am the bad guy? Pffffttt. I will never again make this mistake.
Should have not forgiven the signs. Should have broken up when she hit me on a date and realized she wasn’t sorry. Who hits someone ever? Wtf!!
@lisadavis9535 Fck, "OJ loved his wife too". JFC spine chilling when you think of how many women are killed by men "who loved them". I need to remember that.....I'm putting this on Tshirts. Thank your therapist for me 🤣
That's a good slap in the face sentence to bring ya back to reality.
Completely side note: look up Stanzi oj (if you haven't seen her, she's funny asfuck, irreverent, and great at highlighting funny modern events in skits) 💕
I finally cut contact with my mom at 66. I have memories as early as 8 years old of this narcissistic behaviour. She would always tell me I was her favourite, but I was also the butt of thousands of narcissistic behaviors. Unfortunately, other family members thought I was being a problem child and took her side," oh, that's just mom". She passed away in Feburary and I didn't go to her funeral. All I felt was sadness for her not loving me in a " normal" mom way, anger, and a huge feeling of relief.
My Mom is driving me close to not go to her funeral. Another reason I don’t want to attend her funeral because my family is narcissist.
I respect your feelings. I'm sorry you experienced narcissistic abuse.
I get it … No contact with my narc mom & there will be no attending a funeral…took a long time to get here but now I respect ME!
I’m a pediatrician and my narcissistic dad is always putting me down by acting like he knows more about pediatrics. When I complained about it to my mother, she literally said (in defense of him) “well, it’s hard for him to see his children grow up and realize that they don’t need him anymore and that they may know more than him.” Scary. As a mother myself, I’d love it if my children are smarter and better than me!
My dad is the same way with me. I was a veterinarian technician and know a LOT about animals, especially dogs. He gets intimidated by this and mocks me anytime I try to help him with his dogs.
My dad says the same thing in defense of my mom. My partner is literally a dog trainer and after my partner gave my mom advice on her new puppy, my mom came to me later and told me she was offended that my partner had treated her like she was stupid and when I stood up for my partner, my mom went off on me. After she stormed off in a crying fit, my dad said this word for word. Remember, it's hard for your mom that you are grown up and don't need her anymore. Chilling to have word for word the same experience.
But this phrase is an honest and rational one, right?
@@ASMRyouVEGANyet soooo obnoxious! Why can’t you just be happy for your kid and proud of their knowledge and success!?!?
@@flareon1368 it’s so emotionally exhausting dealing with all of this…kudos to you for standing up for your partner ❤️
I'm the daughter of a narcissistic father, am definitely an empath, am a narc magnet, and have been through theraphy to learn, understand, and get myself out of this pattern. I've become very strong and love myself unconditionally now. I've found that if I start becoming hypervigilent with a partner, it's time for me to exit. You can't win with a narc and I'm never letting anyone try to destroy me ever again. I actually really like being on my own, enjoy my own company and do like my solitude.
Good on you ! Stay strong!
Omg, same
My dad is a textbook narcissitic
It is hard to find a female therapist who is not a little bit judgmental only because our life history. Like for example how some educated people who have never experienced a narcissistic relationship who come from more privileged or from a very different religious backgrounds who have been taught from the time they were small to regard people from less ideal family backgrounds in the winter most as being like only white trash or whatever. Like for example a therapist who reacts negative when repeating to them what a social worker told you about how I need to date more than one man at a time (while of course maintaining a hand holding only in both public and private boundary which should have been understood as a given)
I'm enjoying solitude. It's better to be alone than be surrounded by toxic people.
@@francesbernard2445 I SO get this honey child!! I prefer male therapist, but I've had Dr's who I told , " I can't trust someone like you, you wear $250 SOCKS!! I rolled in weighing 98 lbs after my 2nd son was a year old. I had eating disorders, I was starving myself because FOOD going in my mouth was the ONLY thing I had control over, and I was deeply depressed after baby #2,my husband forced me to have sex with someone else, and it had DESTROYED my marriage. 3yrs and 2 planned kids into my marriage . He judged me so harshly because I was extremely MANIC, and I'd had ENOUGH. I went in saying , here's list if meds I've taken the ones in RED I will not try again, so please don't waste my time & yours prescribing me crap I ready KNOW makes me worse, does nothing or has me throwing up like all SSRIs DO.... And He felt I was combative. I was being brainwashed, gas lighted, I was bad off at that point. Two mins after I stepped on scale at 98lbs @,5,7" age 21... They said no matter what my mental state was ,I'd never be discharged until it said 115 or 125,I forget now, but It pissed me OFF. My mental state wasn't GOOD, that's why I checked into the psych ward day before Thanksgiving. My mother in law had my boys for a few weeks. He wouldn't let me bring them home for 42 days total. It about KILLED me missing them. But that Psychiatrist was first one I'd seen that flat out saw my abusive husband for what he TRULY was. Dr. Advised me to file for divorce while I was on the Ward, and said he would REALLY LIKE TO DO A MENTAL EVALUATION ON MY HUSBAND!!! My husband was FURIOUS when heard that advice, and ended up having me sign myself out off Ward, staff screaming ur insurance won't pay for your bill if you leave against medical advice.....So different from the female Shrink I had gone to for,maybe 5 or 6 mo's. Only time he had ever agreed to go in once a week on his Tuesdays off , we did marriage counseling with this lady and she flirted SO HARD ON my husband, It was insane how quickly She was manipulated and obviously attracted to my husband, would take his side, no matter what.Started wearing red skirt and blazeror navy outfit similar w slits in skirts on our
Marital counseling session days. Then one day I informed him and her that CLEARLY I wasn't bipolar axis 1 &2 ,rapid flux because neither of them had a clue I'd stopped taking lithium 3 mo's ago and the other pill , lied to them both and they had NO IDEA I wasn't on any meds, or hadnt been all along. I was like so clearly you two can't SAY I need it, if I'm not taking it, 93 days and y'all were clueless.... That tells me I don't need Meds. Matter of fact I think I'm bout done with our 🤗sessions but by all means you two have alot to talk about obviously. Then I stood up, took tissue out of box and told her she might want to wipe her chin, drooling over him as she was. And I walked out. He was in there another half hour, into her next appointment , I couldn't drive a standard or I'd left him there..... Sorry for that essay... It gets to me still , nearly 30 yrs later.
The last narcissist I dated was extremely jealous of me spending time with anyone else. EVEN my grown children! I never stopped seeing my kids, and it was a RELIEF to finally be away from him.
Isolation is a key tool. Looking back, Since I started high school my N mom didn’t let me make any new friends or go anywhere unless the fav child wanted to go. Even in college, I had to beg to go anywhere. I still got in trouble and accused of partying when I literally just went to class and work.
I’ve been removing toxic people from my life. It has been a painful process. But my life is improving as I do this. So, it is definitely worth the effort.
Me too 😅 Have a lot more mental clarity, focus and peace now.
I dumped my ex he was dangerous. I’m happy to spend time by myself
Holy hell, I can see why I’m such easy prey for narcissists. I share things about myself really easily, and never really think it’s going to affect me.
So did I, for the longest time. I STILL have to rein myself in, stop, ask myself, why do you think this person can be trusted with all this information? I didn't even test them. I was starved for connection and intimacy, and that's not how it's built.
@@biondna7984 Starved for connection and intimacy. Good point. I'll have to seek it with those I trust.
That part about "we sat in the driveway talking for 10 hours" that was my exact first date with my narc.
People need to earn the right to be your friend, to "know" stuff about you. And that includes siblings, parents other relatives.
Don't cast pearls before swine comes to mind.
"For as much time as people spend in gyms, I wish they would practice boundaries" - Dr Ramani, so good
*strengthen their, not "practice"
"Tell me the story of you" is a red flag question to me. It's very direct and feels intrusive and cold
Great point, glad you mentioned 👍👍
She's not analyzing everything or everyone 😅 She's just expressing how that statement sounds to her buddy.
You are a red flag
Agreed. It also sounds dismissive, as if your life can be reduced to an elevator speech.
I just realized that I've become accustomed to "shrinking" myself in every relationship with a man because I'm so afraid of hurting their egos. I just ended it with yet another person I consider to be high on the narcissistic traits scale, I haven't learned how to stay away from them.
"Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize!" Best advice if you have to deal with them in any shape or form.
I've been using this advice since I've learned that this person in my life was a narcissist.
Very true. They are really good in arguing
I kept saying "oh, you think so", "ah, that's your idea" when I was forced to interact with a narccist. She might still hate me but she couldn't twist my words or emotions because I gave her none.
I was married to a very abusive narcissist and after learning with dr Ramani and saving her episodes I finally asked for the divorce 🙏🏻💝🙏🏻
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Congratulations!
@@christinechristine3110 thank you for caring and giving me support 🙏🏻 hope you are happy too 🙏🏻✨
That's fantastic! Glad that you were able to take that step. Requires a lot of bravery...
@@hasaniali3489 thank you for your words and support . No , it hasn’t been easy , even more because I am alone in this country . But after living one year in the basement of the house because of the abuse , I moved to the mountains and then asked for the divorce when I felt safe . Hope and pray for others to be able to do it 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Ooh! I briefly (2 months) dated a psychology professor who definitely exhibited narcissistic traits. But he was so good at deflecting attention away from this, by spending lots of time appearing to be doing things for others. Listen to this, and be aware and alert! Pushing too far, too fast, tossing your boundaries back to you as something 'wrong' with you or your readiness for a relationship... for those of us back in the dating pool after being out for a long time and/or are older, these may be excused as wanting to make the most of what time we have left. Nope! Love bombing is set up to gain control of you, not to spend precious time with you. Run!
As fast as you can!
AMEN.
What did the love bombing sounded like? No one clarifies.
I was in a 10 year relationship with a malignant narcissist. We divorced, I ended up attracting a vulnerable/ covert narcissist. 2 years later we broke up. I then was in a situationship a neglectful narcissist. Thinking hey maybe this will work no ties. 2 years later it was even worse. I decided to take a complete break from dating. Focus on me, and ended up attracting another narcissist that likes me at work (3 dates in I am now running). I can’t seem to get away from these type of people. It’s so draining 😢. Even when I’m not looking they come to me. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I have learned so much over these past few years. Shields up ladies and gentlemen, we are warriors. ❤
57 mins in approx - problem is many narcissists will NOT end a relationship. They discard but won’t let go. This leaves the victim stuck in an ugly way.
So true.
That's! The best way" I have heard that" Summed up... Concisely!
Spot on
Oh wow! This is so true. I have been supposedly in a relationship with a guy who when I was tired of the roller coaster ride in the beginning with him, I told him I was done, he finessed things to where I continued the relationship with him. I noticed when I stopped responding to his BS he don't pick arguments anymore. However, what I realized is the only way to get rid of him is to limit communication with him (pull away). Even though I know he has moved on elsewhere he will not say the relationship is over. He still calls/text once every blue moon.
'That statement implies that the victim doesn't have their own agency to leave the relationship themselves. As much as the NPD distorts that agency, once the victim finds it again and stops letting the narc control whether the relationship is or isn't, the victim can be the one to decide they've been discarded for the last time and the narc doesn't get to come back.
My dad got upset when my mom developed a health issue and he had to take care of her and she could not take care of him anymore. He was even more angry when she died. He went as far as to try to correct all his bad behavior toward me and my sister by "Apologizing" so we would take care of him. I saw right through it.
Yes, the apologies...
He probably caused her health issues
My mom was the one in this scenario, and she was angry at my dad for dying this year in March.
That's so heartbreaking, I'm so sorry :( My mom goes through a similar thing with my dad. She left him finally, after a few decades of torture from him. Now he's bitter and he won't leave her alone. He calls her constantly and spews poison, making her feel shame for everything, telling her she's worthless and broken, and all in between "lighthearted" conversation about the family and things he sprinkles in there that he wants to talk about. He doesn't clean his home, so when she goes to visit (to see my brother and his wife and kid who live down the street from my dad) she winds up deep cleaning the whole house because he won't clean ANYTHING. He's a toddler in a man's body. I wish she could break free, but she says she doesn't want to worsen anything, so she just gives in to keep the peace.
While being angry is a stage of grief, this is a bit much. Im so sorry for your loss. ❤️❤️❤️
On the subject of a narcissist having a pattern of being late... my experience with a couple of narcissists in my life is that they were ALWAYS on time. It felt more like it was a show of their superiority.
Some would say being on time means having good manners. Guess I was wrong 🤣
Did you ever notice that they tried to make YOU late, though? (insisting things needed to be done before you could leave, and/or refusing to help you get things packed - both physically refusing to help and/or belittling you for being a "control freak" about what or how you pack or get ready to go somewhere)? Or, asking you more and more to do things with little to no notice? My overt ex did the first one, while the covert one did the latter.
@@creatuitiveguruwoah...I physically got tense reading your post because I *know exactly what you are talking about* .
@@idontknowyouthatsmypurseIt's really super stressful. Especially when they are one that planned the trip, and you have young kids, and the young kids are more helpful and better behaved. You spend the rest of the time trying to convince that shit bag that they are just as important as the children. 🙄
It's sick that we were programmed as children, to think that all our value lied in making others' lives easier and happier.
@@creatuitiveguru yes!
It's really interesting watching this after being in a healthy relationship for 10 years. I recall a time in my life where two narcissists were essentially fighting over control of me. In the end neither won - I did. I've never been happier, and life has never been more peaceful.
@MrsLana92 Fck yes!!! I'm thrilled you found your person and have built a healthy relationship together!! 💕💕💕💕
So freaking thankful that you got away from both of the self centered humans!!!
@@B.Harper7 thanks! That's really encouraging 🥰
I felt something was "off"/ narcissistic about a guy I briefly dated . So I tested him, right from the begining, by paying him "the most ostentatious" compliment I could invent:
"It is something so amasing about you, you are like a diamond, you are so above everyone around you, I really have never seen something like you in my entire life" while I looked him in the eyes very serious and involved.
His response shocked me : "Yes, I know, you actually have a very good sense of observation" while being so calm and sure of himself.
I frozed.
😂😂😂😂😂
Run
I don't know why I laughed so hard😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Think we should introduce that as a test in First Dating, so that er get ris of every narcisist
Omg 🤭☠️😵💫
A narcissist will try to destroy you with lies because theirs can be destroyed with the truth🙏
So dam true this is 🙏
Rapid fire accusations without proof was when I realized I could feel the energy draining like blood loss. Funny the accusations fired at me proved her hypocrisy or just her basic inability to give what she expects from others.
I definitely know that's true!!!
Well said 😊
GOING TO USE THIS IN MY LIFE, THANK YOU!
Absolutely. They are not capable of feeling "love" compassion, caring, concern, just not possible for them.
I love how Dr Ramani cuts thru the question of love and trust - it means different things to different ppl. They love you but you don’t know what love means to them.
Love should never feel unsafe.
Your body will ALWAYS tell you! I had panic attack after panic attack everytime we had sex. I didn't feel emotionally safe and secure with him so my body was following. Always listen to your body!
Yessss, say that !!!
@@tiarachiffon8131 ❤️
I’m so sorry you went through that
@@sheliahysell3807 ❤️🙏
Same situation. It was horrible
I have been abused by narcs my whole life. I have profiled their personality inside out but still attracted them. I'm finally figuring out who they are quickly by how they make me FEEL 🙏🏼
Just ask them to "Tell me about a time you failed or made a mistake". It is impossible for a narcissist to answer this question, their response or lack thereof will tell you everything you need to know.
@@clintgahm1495unfortunately, there's no one question that is the "key", as they're not all the same. Especially a covert/vulnerable narcissist can seem to be authentically intimate and willing to share difficulties they've experienced.
@@latebloomer7191 Vulnerable narcissists are the best and worst of both worlds.
And after that, they get Weather Talk and basic courtesies, nothing more
Most psychologists will gaslight their patients and tell them to have an open mind and that it is just a perception and not a reality when a person feels severe discomfort with another person
Love is like a soft cloud; it makes you feel warm, safe, and secure.
Love is having a deep bond with your GF/BF besties, etc, you can be yourself around them. That is my definition of love. People who have your back and you have theirs.
Eight minutes in & the conversation is about boundaries. Brilliant. This is one of my favourite techniques to use with manipulators. When I set & enforce strict boundaries, the trash takes itself out.
“The trash takes itself out” is my new favourite way of looking at boundaries!
Perhaps, you became the trash because everything was a boundary to you, so the other person just cut bait.
@@tsukujinaan4381 Do you have any evidence of this? Or are you doing what every other dumbfuck on the internet does & guess, with no knowledge of me nor my methods nor history nor education?
Why are you even here? Why make a comment if it can be shot down so bloody easily?
@@tsukujinaan4381smells like trash around you
@@tsukujinaan4381 spoken like a narcissist. :)
Do you feel safe???? That hit hard. Feeling like you're living in a mind field because you don't know what will set the narcissist off is the perfect description of what you deal with on a daily. I found myself counting the days to the next argument. It's like working in those places that keep a chart tracking when the last employee injury or accident was. "28 days since..." Thats how it feels. You walk on eggshells wondering how long before the next incident. Thats no way to live.
Ab-so-LUTELY!
@@melissagere850 You probably need to stay single for a while and seek therapy to heal and let go of all the crap you've been through or you may keep attracting these types. You've got to break the cycle.
omg...the incidents....
@@melissagere850the question for you is this:
If you’ve already got out of a horrendous marriage And here now saying that the second man is a narcissist. Why are you sticking around to have conversations with him? Or to even ask him for an apology?
You’re not a martyr your only betraying yourself again. Perhaps God is giving you the opportunity to show that you will walk away immediately and put your faith fully in Him
This is exactly how I feel! Daily I’m wading though the BS hoping to miss the explosives. It is incredible to me the amount of work I can do on myself and let my narc implode all of it within minutes. We’ve been together for almost 7 years with a little one- he was born with special needs and I stay at home to take care of him so I have no foundation financially to do anything. It’s exhausting- I’m very tired. It has totally dulled my shine and I’ve been trying to get back to myself.
Safety is key! Consistent boring predictable interactions is real love with a secure partner. It took me a long time to remove the Narcissists culture and feel safe in my own skin. Let alone with my safe partner. ❤❤❤ love this conversation
Someone who is a habitually careless or rude driver is one of my personal red flags.
Oh great one!
Very true
Great point!!!
For sure!
Would this to translate to someone who drives fast?
"The narcissist has no trouble telling lies about you." I found out my narcissistic former boyfriend told people at my work that I was embezzling, sleeping with customers, stealing from customers, and on and on. He sometimes did this during "good times" in our relationship, pretending to be concerned about me. They believed him. The damage he's done is irreparable.
He was projecting his ass off!😂 He was a busy boy.
Sorry to hear that, it must've been very hard😢
He did you a favor those people also weren’t good people for you. Hard to find quality people but they are out there.
@@calisingh7978 no favors there. These are people I need to interact with in my job. I should be more specific. The damage he's done to my reputation and career is irreparable..
@@beasaroseco5840excellent point! The accusations from abusers are generally hidden confessions
Best piece of advice I got was that your first instinct about a person or a situation is the truth. Everything after that is just what you try to convince yourself is true. It has turned out to be true for me everytime. People I kept associating with even though I had a gut feeling they were bad ended up proving me right eventually.
Same here
Maya Angelou has this quote that reads something along the lines of believe people when they show you who they are the first time. Following this has saved me so many times!!!
ME TOO
I agree!
I'd say for the most part, that is absolutely true! I went on a date with someone who told me he barely smoked weed (personal preference to not see someone who smokes daily and is unambitious) and during the date, he talked about himself A LOT. Mostly about how successful he's been in life (how much he USED to make), then asked me how much I made at work, and to guess what the bill was (I didn't)... we saw each other for a few months and every time we hung out, he smoked a lot of weed, I was told we were limited to what we could do together because "your boy is broke" (his words.. but would go golfing a few days during the week), told me he was trying to "cuff" me but then he lied about not being on tinder (voluntarily told me he wasn't on it but I saw him on it) and got angry at ME for bringing it up. Normally I would've stayed with someone like this but I caught him on tinder again, called him out for it and went no-contact. He texted me later on in the week but I didn't respond. Oooh!
But one of my exes displayed traits of a covert narcissist and that was a tough relationship to get out of/hard to see how bad it was going to be.
I love how Lisa allows the guest to finish their thoughts without interrupting - this makes for a much better interview
She is a good interviewer.
You can't ask a narcisist any question and get a straight answer. I was raised by one and I've been with mine for 45 years. Figured all this out on my own.
"Healthy love is safe!"-This set me free in so many ways 🙏🏽🙌🏽
People are under the impression that it's a guy but often it's a woman...
What does it look like? Everyone seems to be narc
That word really resonated with me. Not in a huge physical way but just emotionally. It's not a safe place for me to be who I am and say what I want. I never know how he's going to be. 25 years and I truly believe he could dump me at any time. I don't know when the ice might break and I could fall in and drown so I skirt around the edges trying to play it safe.
I had no idea what safe meant until age 30 or so. Too many abusers in the family.
@@fasttrackblastback8286 These people are cruel for no reason. Having a get together then slap , another invalidation to what I’m saying. These damaged individuals don’t understand that it’s my take on life. My opinion, my input, my interpretation. They don’t deserve someone who is genuine and loving. Pay attention when someone disrespects you for their fun to tear you down.
Finally had my AHA moment when Dr. Ramani explained how not being validated as a child taught me to put other’s needs above mine because I didn’t think that that I deserved to be on the same level as everyone else.💡😳🤯 Literally changed how I look and think about everything past, present, and future. After years of therapy and could not understand why/ how narcissists find me, well no more!!! God bless you!!!❤
They search for people like us.
They can sense that Caring nature. If you keep your boundaries and tell Them clearly. Usually they move on to someone else
Are your needs now at the same level as everyone else? How did you reassert your self-worth?
That is me to a T.
This is an awesome AHA moment
I've been in an off & on "relationship" with a narcissist for the past 2.5 years. It is maddening. I finally got fed up last week. I felt lost in the past. Something snapped this time and i faced the reality of what he really is and I feel relieved this time around. Listening to things like this help me maintain my resolve to be 100% done, done, done.
I hear you. Boundaries with self can sometimes be the hardest. But it's great practice. You can do this. Think of all the good that comes out of it.
Sometimes it is hard to watch her videos. I watch and i realise i have narc behavior. Im not perfect. I reflect and start making changes to how I interact with my family. Watching her vids have helped me become a more empathetic person towards my children and husband. It has also helped me set boundaries towards others. Im not perfect. Sometimes, I have bad days.
But seeing it is the beginning. Also adhd have alot of similar behaviors
Good 4 you! 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤😊😊😊
No one is perfect. If you are working on being *better*, that's fantastic. Also makes it much more likely that you aren't narcissistic. As another commenter pointed out, sometimes there are other reasons for similar behavior or responses. But we all have pasts, and doing our best to grow beyond our reactions is such an important step for us all.
Borderline & cptsd & adhd have loads of overlapping behaviour, there is one massive difference. They all feel and feel so deeply.
Narcs however only feel for their own image and nearly nothing else: empty damaging shells.
Also, we all have traits, it's our ego.
The fact that you're honestly caring and wondering about this, says you care more than an actual narc would.
I recommend you find a good therapist on npd and get tested to find out for sure. And then do the work (I applaud you for your comment, great step!) to change. What I have seen from my exes, thry used therapy to learn how to act and further manipulate people. I hope you are sincere, for your own well being. Peace,
I emailed her and told her my story. And she actually responded. And was kind and empathetic. I'll never forget that.
Who did you email?
@@MyBeautifulHealthshe emailed Dr.Ramani .She is very nice like that to respond to serious caring emails 😊
My husband doesn't yell or rage at me. If I have good news or found something I'm excited about, he will immediately make a rude condescending remark or have to bring up some anecdotal point that makes him sound superior or that he knows more than me. I've gotten to the point where I just don't share anything with him. I have nothing left to offer and I'm just done.
My husband is the same way. He says I'm overly sensitive and gets confused about why I feel that he's being condescending
@@jihyeason1711 Did you spend a long time making sure he was the right guy, or did you just "settle" because he was the one to come along?
“What narcissistic people are really skilled at, is learning everything about you so they can out play you”…I got goosebumps because THIS IS SOOO TRUE. I was burnt baddddly by my ex, I shared soo much about my life and he used it against me.
Dated someone for a few weeks and his contempt for minor things felt so violent and made me feel unsafe. thankfully I listened to my gut and walked away.
Ways narcissists punish you if you try to make boundaries: 1. abandon, 2. withhold, 3. humiliate, 4. embarrass, 5. diminish success 6. isolate and then a host of societal fears....New checklist: respect, compassion, kindness, safety. One therapist, at the end of 34 years, asked, "Does he love you?" "Of course, yes." "Do you feel loved? Because when we are loved, we can feel it." Pause. Long pause. "No. No I don't." I was 57 and I had never asked myself that question. Talk is cheap, Mr "Of Course I Love You," had me focussed on what he said, but it rarely matched up with what he did. I could see my parents didn't love me, but him I could not see. I tried to go DEEP [almost] every damn day of my marriage, but learned to live on breadcrumbs. But he was not listening to me. Every damn day. And some stretches, I lashed out plenty, screamed into the wind. Facile meaningless apologies that he would later retract, wordsalad, gaslighting, stonewalling, violence. Wow.
"Learned to live on breadcrumbs" same here :/
Right before I broke up with my narcissistic ex, I was telling him about a job interview that I had that same day later in the day. They didn’t seem interested and were rather dismissive and it hurt my feelings so I said something like, “I thought you’d be happier for me..” and he said he was but I knew he wasn’t. Then he turned the conversation around to him and he ended up yelling at me over something and left my in tears. By the time the interview came, I had already stopped crying but the damage was done. My spirit was on the floor and I bombed the interview and my mind wasn’t focused. Later in the day, I stayed in bed all day and all he did was act distant and almost like he was punishing me. I broke up with him the next day over something else... He has been creeping on his ex and I basically just said, “ok, enough is enough.” I blocked him just a few days after.
I’m sorry. I understand. My ex used to yell at me a lot too, and right before I was to go somewhere. It’s horrible.
@@hologramgrave Mine too. Right before we went somewhere or his family's house....then I was told to stop sulking around and correct myself. It was all to make him look good and to set me up for the smear campaign. He's such trash
but this is the most sexist interview ever, 50% of narccists are women.. also the world is becoming more narccsitic as job interview social media and many women reward narccsistic behavior!
Maybe he knew that when women start making more than the man, they divorce at 90%. He also knows he gets destroyed in a divorce.
I think you just described the exact scenario that I had the other day. Thank you for this comment and the validation
"Tell me how you spend your days" is a great opener! It's true, as someone who was unable to work for a while and is now job-seeking, the question of "what do you do" really can be shaming and come with a lot of implied social judgement, even through the implication that you are defined by your job and that it's the first thing you should tell someone about you.
"Tell me how you spend your days" is more open-ended, makes it less identity-based or implying a social norm, obligation or ranking hierarchy and puts the focus on the person's life routines as they see them. It's broad enough that they won't feel constrained to talking about a job, particularly if the job isn't relevant or as relevant as other things.
Yeah, You have to actually listen though. Actually be interested, not just looking for what you can get/ how you can use me. From what I have met, women who say narccist man, just means 'he didnt do exactly what I wanted, When I wanted it.'
I think that's a pretty nosy question.
@@jackdeniston59sorry you are hurting. It doesn't matter if it is a man or woman, they are equally predators, so we should really exclude them from man and woman when it comes to this. Male and female predators are what they are. You miight have malle predator friends but they aren't targeting you. You are instead a prop for them. I am easy prey for narcissists my whole life, both female and male, in friendship, education, employment, business, and dating. That does not mean I think most men or women are like this. You can even be narcissistic and get taken by more predatorial narcissists and psychopaths. I have to be wary and improve my discernment and skillset. You might do well to consider your background and how you became a target, how you can avoid being gullible, unless you are speaking of someone else.
Plus it positions people as more than our job titles, and creates room for fun answers like “herding cats” so you get to hear how someone perceives themselves, the world around them, and what they focus on.
My best friend ended up being a narcissist. It took over a decade to discover that she was, but when she recently started attempting to taking away my agency, and shaming me I knew it was time to end the friendship that I thought would last forever.
Thankfully I'm very self-aware and have an abundance of confidence and firm in my own boundaries that it had very little effect on me.
I'm now finding my new peace and creating my own new adventures without her in my life to interfere any more.
Pay attention to the info these questions will convey, their process/approach.
1. Tell me the story of you.
2. Tell me how you spend your days.
Notice how you feel in your body. Did their answer feel off? Don't try to talk yourself out of that feeling.
Catch yourself about the story you're telling yourself about them. Are you thinking they're cool and full of possibility and that you have so much in common with them?
Red Flags - they ask you very personal intrusive questions that feel like they're genuinely interested in you, but really, they're learning your weakness, what you're insecure about, what's important to you. If you say you don't wanna talk about something, a healthy person will respect that but a narcissist will push to test how much they can push you. If you insist on not sharing, they'll patholozise you and say you're not open or wanting a relationship or a friendship, or they'll say you have trauma, etc.
How much is a person respecting your need for going slower than them?
I love what you have written. Lots of wisdom there.
Me too. ❤
This is pure facts ❤💯
Happened to me. Very true. Patience and honest communication is key
You're crazy, imagine telling a narcissistic person everything about yourself. You're projecting all your past insecurities on someone else. My Ex. did those tests every single day with me... guess what... I'm also the bad person when I decided I couldn't handle someone trying to make me the bad guy.
You girls are crazy and you all need treatment. like yesterday.
Ladies, this is absolute truth. If a man leaves you once you set boundaries and don't let him play with you - be really proud of yourself and thank God. It happened to me and I am so grateful I was "abondoned" and didn't let to hoover me. Now I am really happy.
Yup, you dodge a bullet. You might feel sad in the moment but very very grateful later on.
Yes!
I just left the NARC right before Christmas, spent Christmas and New Years by myself - it felt SO AUUHHHMAZINGGGGG🥂☺️ no more arguing!!! 🎉🙌🏽
Growing up with a narcissistic mother has taught me the best lessons. She showed me exactly the kind of mother I never want to be to my own children! She taught me the type of wife I never want to be! And lastly, she taught me the type of person I NEVER want to be! I’m everything my mother never was, and I’m grateful everyday for it! 🌸😊
The telling of self, sets me up to be a target. I share my compassion more with strangers as an outlet than with family. My experiences say it truth telling , they call it ranting.
When you are a trauma or abuse Survivor from childhood, your body does not feel off in the same way. You feed right into the dialogue of a narcissist.
You accidentally trained yourself to ignore that feeling because "the ones who fight back get it the worst"
It's so shitty
I think you confuse the sensation of fear in your stomach with excitement
@@margaretjohnson1401how do these two get confused can that happen mixing emotions?
@@faay8912fear and excitement produce the exact same physical reactions- that’s why!!
@@MyBeautifulHealthCould the word 'similar' instead of "exact same," be used? To encourage tuning in to the body and mind and heart to *listen* attentively for differences that may seem subtle because they are newly being perceived.
"Judge the relationship by its bad days"...THIS.IS.SO.F.TRUE. My ex used to accuse me of focusing always on "the bad" and for a long time I thought that was my f.. up way of mentally storing things. It took me a while to realize that I was doing that only with him and that actually me doing that meant that I wasn't feeling secure with him enough to lower my guard and focus on the good things. I am not saying that he was a narcissist, but as I watch this video I realize he definitely had some of their traits. ALWAYS listen to your gut.
Mine always tells me that I bring up the past when voicing things that he does that hurt or bother me. His argument is always If it didn't happen today, then I am bringing up the past and what I had to say isn't valid. The only thing about that is his "past" is recurring, the abuse happens again and again over and over.
This comment is one of the best I have heard. I will use this to help me get over my past situations. Thank you
OMg same!!! My ex said and says still the same now after looking for me years after. That I only look/looked at the bad
The flying monkeys really got me because I feel badly for people that have been in the relationship so long that the narcissist has isolated them enough that no one in their circle actually knows them so the lies are not obvious. So sad. It takes some smarts in that scenario and even if one or two people are smart and able to see it they might feel the stakes are too high to call it out. Which is sad and we need more brave souls.
I love how Lisa asked such a formulated Tik Tok question ( top 5 questions ) and dr Ramani very politely demolished it with a genuine and authentic answer
I was silenced a lot as a kid when it came to my feelings and my boundaries, I felt like I was never able to be myself. I now feel the same way in my relationship and it angers me to a point that I feel like the best way to protect myself is by just getting louder to try and convey what I am trying to say. It is always a gradual increase as well and usually increases with my frustration. I am constantly told that I just go straight to yelling about problems instead of talking about them first, but I found out that it didn't matter how calm I was about approaching a problem, if I was showing upset on my face or in my voice it was called screaming/yelling.
Every time I express displeasure about something, my husband says I’m yelling at him.
@@CogMarks They can't or won't take criticism... They're never wrong...They will forevermore mke us to be wrong even convincing others we're so immensely wrong...Smeer cmpgning us
They love that anger, they love all that energy you’re giving them - good, bad, big or small. Your anger fuels them , you’re literally giving them free gas. Remember that.
@@navimarlow yes so what do you recommend or suggest we should do dear? Because I find no matter what I do I can't win...if I don't react I'm giving the silent treatment, if I stay calm then I don't care,if I respond then I'm giving cheek I find I just can't win + at my wits end!😫💜
@@CogMarks you should be permitted to express displeasure its out of order if you can't God bless you💞💚
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Last Friday I left, first thing they tried doing was to make out I was an abuser, luckily no one believed them.
That’s exactly what he said that he knew he was charming but if you get close the devil himself in the flesh completely de ad on the inside
Agreed and people don’t think someone that charming and kind can be an abuser then it makes the person wonder if they were actually abused or overreacting.
Leaving my narcissist was all a blur. My heart woke me up one day and said "pack your bags, we're done here". I tried to rationalise what I was doing, but I couldn't. My heart spoke to my ex and told him we were leaving. My heart organised moving vans, it drove ten hours north to our family. It's like I was even involved. 'Your body tells you what you need to know' is so true.
Same happened to me. I just told him to leave finally one day after being yelled at w disrespects 😮 I don’t even know what if anything he said back. I just kept saying “good fuckin bye, get out” over and over again. I stayed bc of his dog for so long. Also hadn’t realized I was living in fight or flight mode til he was gone. Had mad health problems. Mental and physical. I hope all people in these relationships listen to themselves and bounce out! Better alone than w that shit quality of life.
@@ARavenSpeaks I can relate. I stayed an extra two years for our puppy. Good on you for choosing yourself.
@@charliec2960 same to you! And what I realized, was the dog knew. Lol. And he knew I loved him. Congratulations on your freedom! Time to go live life, happy 😊
this is how i felt when I just woke up one day and i felt this inner voice telling me to cut the friendship with my ex best friend that i was friends with for so long. I put up with a lot in that. by the end i couldn't feel anything for her anymore. ironically she thought I was victimizing myself...like yeah if you're being the actual bad guy of course, but also i am making changes to my life and reading books so i know her projection wasn't true. these people have a laughable grandiose and deluded self perception...
@@qazedc3 Yeah, and they often call us out as 'playing the victim'. It's their only defence.
I so agree it takes time to realize someone is a narcissist. You really have to listen and let them believe you're falling for them and believing everything that is coming out of their mouth for you to catch them slipping.
The last 16 years have been the best years of my life, after becoming widowed after 27 years of marriage and starting my life over. Every word of this video is exactly how it plays out and played out and is still playing out with other people. My people are a small group and I am healing through keeping away from people.
I kept making excuses for my older sister's behaviors, because the entire family just "knows that's how she is". This video tells me that I can not make her respect me, BUT I can stop being disrespected! So powerful!
I like the two questions: Tell me the story of you and tell me how you spend your days. Buuuuut, my ex (malignant narc) would've easily lied right through them. For me now, the key is refusing to be rushed into a relationship, having knowledge about narcs, and hanging back listening and watching. A big tell however, is noticing that they do not apologise or take ownership of any wrongdoing EVER. They are masters of blame-shifting.
Yes I feel the same
Here's an actual question that works with 100% accuracy. "Tell me about a time you failed or made a mistake?" For narcissists it is impossible to answer this question sincerely.
@@clintgahm1495 Or, it is triggering for someone with childhood PTSD. My mind goes blank if I am put on the spot with a question like that.
@@sharimadison3836It's not. If your insecurities are so deeply rooted that you're not even capable of simply naming a single instance of a time you made any old mistake, error, flub, or mix-up, then I've got some bad news Shari.
yes, i agree
I had a narc mom and a sociopath dad so I have never felt uncomfortable being around a narc as it was familiar. To me to test to see if someone is a narc, tell them no to something they want from you, watch and pay attention to their response. Now, when I encounter a narc, I will mirror them as they mirror us. Mirroring their behavior is offensive to them. Never ever expose a narc, exit quietly.
I have a narcissistic parent. I have learned so much. At work I can detect drama, fakeness and manipulation quickly and take necessary precaution.
Needless to say, I am quite damaged.
My ex-husband is a narcissistic sociopath. The mental anguish I went through, no human being deserves. It's pretty sad the physical punch is what it took for me to call the cops ... and that was the easiest of the wounds to heal. The ptsd I still face is awful but I am so happy to have my life and love where I'm at now.
Thank goodness you left him after the cops did the right thing by charging him. In my case since I never bruised easy as most other women my age did it was always only my word against his. Which is only one of the reasons why I feel so bad for Britney Griner who maybe only got charged along with her husband too after she was the one who maybe called the police during a domestic violence situation. I refuse to let others define my gender and my sexuality when people call me transgender only because I don't fit into only narcissistic ideals of femininity like working in only a traditional gender role. Including how I was treated by only 2 men. Because there is lots of fish in the sea including me.
Your brave and courageous , be very proud of yourself . I hear you xx
The physical punch is what it takes for cops to listen!
No man handles the lady by Physical abuse.
@@wolfgang7812 it shouldn't be though. My gut instinct should have been what I listened to.
I once surprised a narcissistic boyfriend by questioning what he meant when he said “I love you”. The context was him having told me he loves me so much and then breaking up with me for the 7th time in a year. And he came back with the “don’t forget I love you”. And he was surprised that I said “what does love mean to you” (it was an overdue question 😅) and maybe because he was surprised by the question so all he could come up with was
“I think it means…umm..er…we won’t talk bad about each other”.
I replied that that is the worst definition of love I’ve ever heard. AND I later found out that he had already been saying horrible lies about me to our mutual friends. So he didn’t love me even by his own terrible definition of love. I now relate to the comment that having a narcissist out of your life is the greatest gift to your life!
Evil will always reveal itself.... remember that
Haha, this is kind of an amazing story! Thanks for sharing. And I’m so glad you’re free of that guy.
True fear of the narc:
What other people think about them.
Soooo, he was saying he loved you so you would be nice and not trash his name. Had nothing to do with feelings .. just how to control Your actions.
@@rocky1raquel that's right. That's what his answer revealed. "Love means not saying bad things about the other person". LOL!! You won't hear that definition in any fairy tales or relationship books. Meanwhile he was lying about me to others, including our mutual friend and my neighbor, and who knows who else, trying to demonize me with lies. Anyways, it's good to know how outrageously deceptive and pathetic some people can be without revealing that for quite a while. And then you suddenly realize it, usually when you're trying to hold them accountable for their actions. But I am grateful for the valuable lessons.
i am so glad i have been born with such dominative and bossy personality, i scare narcissists far away.
I think that is part of the definition of narcissism….. dominative and bossy
This hit so hard at 1:02:17 I wish I had heard this as a teenager. Because of having narcissistic family members, I ended up getting into a narcissistic relationship, thinking I was escaping when really I was just going from the frying pan and into the fire. I ignored my gut, I ignored and cut off friends who were just trying to look out for me at their (the narcissist's) request because their 'feelings' were getting hurt because I supposedly didn't spend the same amount of time with them. They made it seem like I was needed by them, and that they couldn't get along without me, and I felt like I needed to help and protect them, because I would want someone to do the same for me... hindsight is 20/20 as they say.
Oh god this is me too!
I hope you break free 😢
Narcissists can SAY whatever they want, but actions speak LOUDER than words!! Hold them accountable for their actions!!
I say this everytime, I hate when people say to “bow out” when it comes to dealing with them. Like, who tf are they? Wtf are they going to do? Spread lies about you? Not talk to you? Oh no🤡
Narcissistic people are venomous and scary. This channel has been a lifeline for me. Thank you 💕
Scary AF! And, after all the abuse when he was going to surgery asked me for help. F. U. WtMf h? Is he crazy? Yes. Completely. RUN!!!
@@Tyndalic i have to share this with you- after my narcissistic friendship, I turned to Jesus and He made me fearless and forgiving towards the narcissist in my life. Truly transformed everything about me, just like He promised He would. I needed to share my testimony with you and I believe you must be a child of God because you are being attacked by the devil. I will pray that the same transformation will happen for you, and God Bless You! 💗🤍💗🤍💗
Yes! My #1 priority (now) is do I feel safe with this person? Aka - what is my nervous system telling me about this person
So true. Always trust your gut feeling!
Thank you for this. DR. Ramani's videos helped me incredibly. I left a 30 year marriage. And it's all thanks to her advice. ❤
I am in pain for walking away from a relationship with manipulation, lies, and cheating. For a moment I thought I made a wrong decision, but I know I did well. And reading how you left a 30 marriage, inspires me. Thank you for sharing this :)
I did the same thing…after 30 years
This might sounds strange but I am so grateful for my time with a narc.
It sent me on a spiritual awakening to myself and particularly other people people. I can now smell peoples B.S. from a mile away, even their negative vibrations. Needless to say these people don’t get to be in my life. I’m so happy!
I appreciate that upside of what you experienced. I would bet you feel a lot stronger as a person as well
Here’s another thing that happens: while you’re with the narcissist, he keeps you from talking to or spending time with your friends. So…when the relationship is over, yes, they’ll smear you, and it takes a better hold because those “friends” haven’t heard from you in years.
Absolutely. Here’s to rebuilding those friendships and beginning new ones.
They create those problems and then blame you for them.
@@brainbomb.Yes!
My first marriage was to a chameleon, horrible, violent man-child. It took away my innocence. It also helped me to be a very perceptive and intuitive mental-health nurse. It's also given me the self confidence to believe in myself and my raison-d'etre (life's purpose). It has helped me to get away from other bad men, when I fell into other traps. I can truly enjoy being single and able to be myself again.
Minute 19:31…the definition and comparison of narcissist “love” is SO helpful! Their need for validation, attention, instant gratification (and comparing it to reciprocating healthy love) is a great screening tool. For me, the narcissist’s constant attention seeking can fly under the radar, unless we are taught what that behavior might be.
I can really appreciate that Dr Ramani doesn't follow society's beauty standards for today's women. She is a super sensitive soul and she showed her real self in today's interview. Faaaaar more authentic than her interview at Red Table Talk where Jada Pinkett Smith paid her.
She's definitely right about narcs not wanting to care for you after you're sick. I suddenly lost one of my legs.Due to accident & I have been through purgatory
It's unbelievable how much like demon possessed two year olds they become when you have undeniable medical need. Mine shook me awake the day I came home from the hospital to go lie on the floor becausr he was in pain. But I needed to be shook awake to see him walk over and lie down. He had a microscopic kidney stone. I couldn't believe how insane and immature that was.
I had one yell at me in the car, while I was crying in pain over a broken wrist on the way to the hospital, because he didn’t like me asking him to go ahead and order my coffee for me, so I could use the bathroom, the day before.
They are insanely self-centered and cruel.
I had cancer when I was 32 and my ex narc was great for one year. We came out of my one year checkup and he said Well are we done with this cancer thing now? He had a bad back and I told him he was done with the cancer thing and I was done with the back thing. I was followed for cancer for 10 years because it had metastacized and they wanted to follow me for longer and he never came with me again and he never asked how it all came out.
Bless y’all. No one deserves their insanity.
I was pregnant with my second and feeling ill. I asked him to take me to the ER and he told me I’d be fine. After begging and crying (no tears came out), he begrudgingly drove me there (while complaining at me). I was disturbingly dehydrated and they spent hours sticking me to find a good vein to draw from and I.v. Me. (Ended up being my wrist and below my thumb). While sitting there watching me cry dry tears…he said “I guess you were sick, huh?”
@user-wi9hv2pb2q 1~Mine did that back when I was having my stomach wall rebuilt...a little different story...but oh yeah his minor kidney stone trumped my feeling like the doctor had taken a rake to my insides. I have pigskin for an abdominal wall, had to be completely re constructed
My Narc ex straight up told me you cannot be independent and be with me! We were both to graduate on the same semester he told me to wait until he graduated and starts his bachelors for me to finish my associates degree. Apparently I was ruining his plans,plans he had never told me about. He literally cried when I told him no he stared me dead in the eyes thinking maybe I’d change my mind then he began to cry . So manipulative. The way his eyes were that day still keeps me up at night. I’m so glad I left.
I'm glad you left too! Way too many people put their lives on hold indefinitely in order to assuage the narcissistic ego. Good on you for refusing to sacrifice your own plans for his.
My ex Narc use to cry when I tried to break up with him early on in our 2 year relationship. He made such a spectacle of it. Looking as sad and pitiful as he possibly could. Little did I know back then those were just crocodile tears which is typical narcissistic behavior to manipulate me into staying in the relationship. But at the time I felt so badly for him that I ended up staying with him for 2 years. I thought to myself wow he must really love and care about me. So much so that he actually cries at the thought of me leaving him. I knew our relationship was very toxic. So I started do research on toxic and controlling behavior(as my ex was also highly controlling. I'm so glad I educated myself on NPD (Narcissistic Personally Disorder) and got out of the relationship. Best thing I could have ever done.
@Dreamseeker731 word for WORD I'm in the same boat! Today is one month soce the breakup and the hoovering from his end continues, but so does my drive to safeguard my own damn peace!!
@@ultravioletcanary you got this girl. dont give in
It would be ironic that your parents made so much efforts to raise you to become autonomous just for you to submit to a comlpete stranger.
I really need to watch this video a million times in private before and after I get out of this toxic relationship. So I can release everything that needs to come out. But can’t cry in front of my family.
Yes...my abusers only got close to me to learn about me and control me and learn how to make my worst fears come true, although if you are aware of this, it hurts a lot less. Its taken me a long time to be able to see when a person is trying to push my boundaries repeatedly...they need to get cut out.
"What story am I telling myself about this person?" So key! When I woke up to what I was facing, it was so humbling to realize how much I'd built up this PoS in my head. Like, out of pride, sometimes I look through old messages wanting to convince myself this person was better than they really were. I made the dumb decision to be with them for three years after all. How could I be so fleeced? But I look back at those messages, and all I see is the sad reality. One of the most important things I learned about from the Baggage Reclaim podcast is the concept of positive projection. We talk so much about the negative side of projection -- projecting our negative qualities onto others. But the opposite exists as well! I positively project my own values, etc. onto people who don't deserve or haven't proven they deserve me thinking those positive things about them yet. Like Ramani says, we live in a world where we're often pressured to only see the good. I don't think we should. We should just let ourselves see what really is, and have some faith in our own perception/intuition.
💯💯👌🙏
ABSOLUTLY!!!!!!
I did the same! Excusing behavior because we were both in a recovery program so I thought eventually he would start healing himself through the program.
Shame on me! That was trying to project my positive onto someone so negative it made my teeth ache.
And so I just kept getting smaller until I was so depressed I didn’t want to do anything I cared about anymore.
I have found, when interviewing, a candidate that is narcissistic cannot answer the question, “Tell me about a time you made a mistake”. It’s always very telling and the narcissistic person usually blame shifts or has never made a mistake in their career ever.
It's a nice idea to use the question to identify the red flag🚩
My ex told me ppl everywhere always looked at him and he asked me why ‘intentionally’. Instead of giving what he wanted by telling him he s handsome and cool, I asked him why did he know everyone s looking at him?! :) He took me as a challenge to his game because I was handful and hard to get!! Narcissist looks at their targets like games, very pathetic!!
🤣🤣🤣 that is an extreme shot to their ego! They will be planning to take you down to hell to visit Satan after that question.
Be careful, they'll frequently talk about how they did a someone wrong, especially romantically. It's a way of bragging about how they can use those people and move on and get forgiven. It's an admission of error that bolsters them.
@@recuerdos2457 My narc is very vein too.
1:19:58
Mostly just hearing this through the context of my toxic relationship. Not allowed to “have your own voice”, “your own boundaries”, “your own needs”
I’ve never felt like I couldn’t be myself in any previous relationship. Or at least not to the “severity” of my relationship now. Just very true for the one I’m in right now.