They will go silent even when they know they’re at fault. To exploit your empathy and make you question yourself. And also so that they can avoid accountability for their actions.
I apologized to my narc husband many times fully knowing he was involved with prostitutes. Just long enough until .y private investigater got proof. Now divorced and 4 months no contact I use the proof to keep him away. Or I will play the tape for everyone
I'm pretty sure you didn't have a parent giving you the "silent treatment" as a child. I would have cut off my own arm just to have my mother talk to me again.
I did it at work. When the former boss went silent, I didn't care for him. I already had an exit plan. After a while, he tried to fire me, but finally, I escaped without saying anything. 🤐
@@PlumbTuckeredOutI felt this way into adulthood😔 Trauma bonding. It's hard to break out of. They condition us. As children we had no choice but to give in, to get some peace. I hope you're doing better now? I'm still trying to break it. So thankful for people like Dr Ramani🙏
Not necessarily. I have a cousin who is EXACTLY like her narcissistic mother, so now you will get double silent treatment and not know what you did to deserve it. I have come to enjoy the silent treatment phase. I don't want them to talk to me anymore. Since I have been working to be the best version of myself, the new me doesn't give 2FS in engaging in their mental malfunction. It may have worked when I was younger, but i'm an adult now and they can go use those tactics on someone else because they don't work on me. I'm also an avoidant, but at least now I am an avoidant who doesn't care about the narcissistic person's "feelings".
Yes... Sad 😢. My narcissist punushed me with the silence treatment. I saw her doing it to a kid last year and it was heartbreaking. The kid tried to be nice. The narcissist used the silent treatment but also left the room when the kid entered and tried to make up. 😢
Oh yes...I got the silent treatment for months at a time! He would come home angry and leave angry! Stomping around like a juvenile! I'm so glad I divorced him!
I wonder if anyone here has observed that the narcissist also seems to have an "elephant's memory" where they remember minute details of *your* life that you've forgotten about (e.g. exactly when you bought your car)? At the same time, they hold eternal grudges against you for *imagined* insults, or misinterpretations of what you said to them many years ago.
Narcisistic parents torture their children with silent treatment and cripple them for life until they awaken and find the knowledge on Narcisism and start learning from wise and loving teachers like you dr Ramani ❤ thank you 🙏
Yes, until a person forgives their mother, returns to their father, then to their Heavenly Father - and wakes up - always they will be on a therapy couch, in some man-made 12 step fellowship, identifying with many labels, etc.
Wow, it's great to hear you clear that up for me. I'd have been completely confused. I would have thought compassion and support would be the appropriate response, not criticizing someone who believes something other than what you believe. This may be Your Truth, does mean it's The Truth. Others have freedom of choice too, not just you. Criticism of narcissistically abused individuals is not just not helpful it critical, judgemental, and is bordering on abusive. You believe what you want to believe and stop pushing it on others.@@ExpectantHarvest
All true in my experience, the silent treatment feels like punishment. I put up with this for way too long, it is very painful. Tolerating this abuse will eventually make the victim ill. Physically ill.
When narcissists are silent, those are the best times. It's better than them screaming and arguing with you all day and keeping you up all night when you're trying to sleep.
@@SylPaperworksexactly. It causes so much misery and stress, being totally ignored by someone you married and had kids with. My anxiety became more of a problem for me and he triggered panic disorder so the independence I once had, disappeared and I began existing. The silent treatment is the worst part in my opinion as nothing gets resolved. They don’t want to resolve anything with you anyway 😔
The silent treatment from a parent is so very isolating. As an adult I have become comfortable being on my own and being treated like I am invisible. I don't like attention now. And it is spot on how we apologize. I apologize for nearly everything.
Emotional abuse. The silent treatment is their way of punishing you for not agreeing or seeing through their mask. Until you apologise or agree with them you are persona non grata. It's probably the most insidious behaviour I have ever experienced.
100% I’m going through it right now. Person I work with made a mistake on a schedule, no big deal but oh yes it is as went into complete denial mode, even ended up being my fault 🤦♀️ currently on day 4 of the silent treatment and will continue until I take complete responsibility for her error as she’s never wrong and I mean never! Tiresome and draining.
They also do it to manipulate you into giving them supply. They want you to ask, "Is everything ok?" "Did I do something wrong?" When you know full well you didn't. They love that attention. They love to gaslight you, saying, "No, nothing's wrong." Yet, while continuing to stonewall you, to create anxiety in you and a sense of punishment and rejection. They love the power trip it gives them, and it's usually concerning something that is really nothing at all. They love reading into things and making it about them, i.e., a social media post that had ZERO to do with them, yet they took it as an attack and are now punishing you for something you never did. Ain't nobody got time for that. I love the "unfriend" and "BLOCK" buttons! Byeeee
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Yup! I hear excuses all the time. It really feeds the feelings that are already there. Self blame, guilt, shame🥱 the enablers would change their tune fast if they were in the grips of a narc. Understanding really goes a long way.
plot twist: dear narcissist, no contact or silent treatment has zero affect on someone who doesn’t give a shit about the person that’s going no contact/giving the silent treatment 😉 it's so nice, when a toxic person stops talking to you (be it discard or silent treatment). it's like the trash took itself out. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I didn't understand the silent treatment until one day, I got the silent treatment. I had began to view the silent treatment as a mini vacation from the stress of repeating myself, and them never leaving me to my own dealings. Then I turned You Tube on and saw Dr. Ramani explaining narcissism and the silent treatment... Thank you!
I've teared up more than once watching your videos Dr Ramani, but this one hit really hard. The insight it just gave me into my childhood and the consequences of it, into the overly apologizing, self-loathing, socially maladapted adult I became, kind of chilled me. I was trained to be my mother's emotional support pet. To this day, the silent treatment remains nerve-wracking, so very painful and just overwhelms my entire mind everytime she decides I should be punished. But her power over me is thinning and I'm healing thanks to my therapist and to your videos. She made sure I never had a chance and yet here I am, giving myself one.
I grew up watching my parents do this and, now as an adult, I'm seeing this play out with a couple of my siblings who have poor communication skills. They rage, withhold, stonewall and silent treatment to get their way. It is a guilt-based relationship where you are there to serve the narcissist and if you don't, you will pay the price! They bully and play the victim in one stinky package.
I am listening to “It’s not You” and 2/3 through it is life changing. I wasn't going to read it figuring I have all the info from your videos… but walking through it in order like a great lesson plan has validated my radical acceptance of not only my nuear family of origin, but as far back in my tree as I have met. Thank you for your mission. It has been a bedrock in my healing.
Nothing angered me more when I became an adult than when my narc parent and sibling used to accuse ME of the silent treatment or being childish when they decided the silent treatment was over and I wouldn't respond to them with glee. I also heard that they bemoan what they are calling “the silent treatment” from me because I went no contact.
oh yeah when you go silent, they love to use that against you to try to guilt trip you! Im thinking maybe because they use silence to manipulate, so they assume when we go silent we are trying to do it to them🙃 but really we just want peace. All they think about is control I believe🤔
I had a malignant narc parent. She would RAGE, then silent treatment, then smear me to anyone and everyone what a terrible child I was. I never understood what I could do and why she thought I was such a terrible kid. Thankful to now be no contact and understand that there was nothing I could have done.
Three days is probably fine as long as you don't have kids who witness this. My ex did it for three years. I am a mental wreck even a year after the divorce.
Mother's silent treatment used to be horrible on me. For about 39 years, I actually preferred her relentless screaming fits to her silent treatment. It was in the 40th year when, in my anger, I finally realized her silent treatments were a relief rather than a punishment. Strangely, her noticing that I was not falling at her feet imploring her to communicate again, rather just doing my own thing, caused her to quit doing it after a couple of times.
The various forms of child abuse out there are so sad. I'm sure there are more cases than we can imagine of parents ignoring the plaintive desperate cries of their broken-hearted children. I wish I could run to all those children and wrap them in my arms to protect and comfort them.
Whole heartedly agree. I have primary infertility, would have Loved even 1 child, but it wasn't to be. I would have loved to take a few of these children, to show them life is much better in a loving home, and supportive Adults, even if there not your biological abusing parents.
She would do something wrong and blame me and gaslight. Then she would say, I'm not going to have anything to do with you until you apologize. I would eventually apologize even though I didn't know what for, just to keep the peace. This pattern went on for years, until I caught on. Maddening!
In my family the silent treatment was a way of making my needs invisible. They didn’t admit that it existed. So until recently it seemed like they were good parents. Except for what was in that silent space. Which was parenting. I raised myself. I went through the school of hard knocks. I’d hit painful walls with nobody to help me at school and then figure it out myself.
I can relate 😔 I had to figure it all out myself. And yet they want people to see them as great parents. The perfect family. I can't go along with the bs anymore.
I was given the silent treatment as a child by my step mother every time my father spent “too much” time with me. I’ll never forget the time my dad took me to the movies and Ice cream and it was so enjoyable and fun and when we got back home she didn’t talk to me or him for 3 days. I was so shocked and hurt bcz was off guard. Went from a high of such a fun time to the low low guilt tripping that I never agreed to go out again anywhere with my father without her untill I was 22. Now I’m in my 50s and she still tried to turn him against me. She’s turned all my 4 siblings (from her and my dad ) against me with a smear campaign. And NO ONE aside from me thinks she’s a Narc. She’s convinced them all that I’m the problem. So I’m not in contact with any of my siblings anymore. She did this with my aunt also. She isolated me and I learned that’s a narc tactic as well. I suffered in abusive relationships untill my 30s. Narc parents can ruin you
What an evil woman your father married. Didn't he have a heart or eyes to see or sense you were suffering. Your situation makes me sick and want to cry for you.
My entire family is giving me the silent treatment since May 14 2024 and still is, but it’s a blessing in disguise. It hurt a lot over the summer and I constantly blamed myself even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, I realized that I was always going to be the problem and I always had to apologize. Their belief in the family is to cover up lies and not bring up the past when it has done more damage than good. My family thinks I just want to be right when in reality, I just wanted to be heard and seen like everyone else.
The silent treatment was me being sent to my room for hours after being screamed at after literally being told no one could love me. I would finally beg to go to the bathroom. My mom had one child and told me they had wanted a football team but after I was born they decided they didn't want anymore. I learned not to express opinions. To ignore my feelings. To smile and laugh to avoid punishment. To be invisible. To appease my mother.
That is SO wrong, my heart goes out to you. How I wished you had a support network even as a child, like a Loving Aunty, Neighbour or a friends beautiful mum to take you under her wing..... show you this isn't right. Wishing you a Better Future
I used to apologize all the time when the silent treatment kicked in - no more, I only apologize when I know I have done wrong & will be accountable. I will not apologize for something that does not belong to me.
My exNarc would go silent cyclically. I never knew why, I had to guess why. Funny he could carry on at work and with everyone else but I'd be the person he decided to punish.
Oh this resonates. My mother used to do this and it just taught me to be an apologetic people pleaser. This has carried over into my adult life. I am working up the courage to sort it out.
In another silent treatment right now. Honestly, I don’t feel bad anymore. Not having to talk to them is kind of nice. I finally can tell myself I haven’t done anything wrong.
You made me able to navigate my marriage. I am one of those that cannot leave. But I carved my space in the world of the narcissist. The silent treatment is the hardest. I always watch your video's when I am in it. Since I love my narcissist, I see it as a game now, to say sane. Thank you Ramani! You are a life saver.
Everyone commenting “Silence is golden with the narcissist, enjoy it while it lasts” - you’re not wrong but it depends on the victim recognising the pattern of behaviour at hand. This is why education is SO critical and SO effective for victims (so thank you, Dr Ramani!) For people who aren’t aware that they are dealing with manipulative behaviour and/or a narcissistic personality, the silent treatment can be hugely destabilising- time stands still in the household, you are suspended there in misery until he/she comes back online and is willing to be pleasant. During those silent hours/days/weeks, the rumination is torturous. But those who have educated themselves and can spot the behaviour and the manipulative agenda are at an advantage and I’m sure to some extent can “enjoy the silence”, Depeche Mode style. It is not just for Dr Ramani but for all of us to try to educate people on these harmful patterns of behaviour, we can put people on a healing pathway so much sooner! Xx
So true, and destabilising is a good word to describe what it’s like to be constantly given the silent treatment. Everything does stand still in the home, except your mind is racing 200 mph with every thought possible. It’s soul destroying, isolating and darn right insulting to us as human beings who have done nothing wrong 😢
Every covert narcissist I know gives out the silent treatment. My grandmother was so upset that her favorite child got married that not only did she not speak, she didn't even get out of bed for an entire week!
My parents especially dad got really upset when I got married. Was even worse when he found out I got pregnant. I’m 35 years old… they have not checked in on me in my entire pregnancy
@@eatnplaytoday that is sad. I know a lot of families where things got better after the baby was born because the parents wanted to see the grandchild.
Your videos helped me through my last relationship! It was only 3 months long and he hit EVERY SING RED FLAG you ever mentioned, ever 😂 Thank you so much. This video feels serendipitously timed. I was starting to doubt my conviction, then I saw this video about 10 minutes before I left for work and then realized, nah, I'm good. 😤 I'm my own supply, I don't need a narcissistic d-bag in my life 🎉❤
I wish I saw this 3 months in.....didn't know anything at the time so I blamed myself. After only 3 months, although it feels awful at the time, you recover easier. 😢
So Brilliant. Wow. To clearly see how the silent treatment in childhood affects us as adults is so powerful. You are an excellent teacher, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
I have an 87-yr old mom now who when i was a child, she would grab the largest knife out of the kitchen-drawer and wld start to swing it above her own forearm as if she was going to cut her arm (making crazy face). When she saw/heard enough tears & anxiety & apologies from me, she would put it back inside the drawer and tell me “one day u will come from school & will find me in a pool of blood & it will be ALL YOUR fault.” There were times when honestly I would stay after school outside the house in fears….. Eventually I developed PTSD & couldn’t pass the Florida Bar Exam as many times as I took it.
Hello. I'm sorry to learn that has been your experience with your mother. I hope you are okay and now know that it was NEVER your fault ( and never our faults) for what our biological parents and families do, and how they behave - it's easier said than done, but I hope you have been able to get support and healed, or at least in a better, clearer place. And with all my respect, not intending to 'diss' your mother, but that was a clear giant red flag of how unsafe you must have been as a child. No adult has the right or choice to put a child in a situation like that.
It hit me when she said 'a day or two'. I came to realize, shortly after we were married, that I could maintain my sanity and composure for two weeks. At that point I thought I would lose my mind, not knowing what I had done and where my champion had disappeared to. The longest was a diabolical 6 weeks and on the other side, there was only indifference.
As soon as I see that a narcissist has gone silent on me, I know I've crushed them. I don't get manipulated into submissive or needy behaviour. Especially when they abused my sincerity and goodwill from the beginning.
I always found the silent treatment odd and immature behavior. And kinda relieving at times to not hear the narcissist talk. At first, I never understood the agenda behind it but it happened, I treated the narcissist as if they didn't exist. It drove them mad. Glad I don't deal with them as much as I used to
He would give me the silent treatment for hours or days after I told him off for mistreating me, then when he was bored of me not reacting, would ask “are you still sulking??” like I was being childish and HE hadn’t been the one ghosting me when I tried to have a conversation about the issue at hand.
They're annoyed with us especially when we really had a very good time and enjoyed ourselves the previous day. How dare we have a good time. Next their behavior changes to this mean and rude monster.
I lived this my entire life with my narcissistic mother, everytime i would ask her if everything was alright, did i do something, what's wrong, im sorry, on repeat for decades, is the most evil thing a narcissistic parent can do to their own child, is a form to punish you since they are the parent they take advantage of their authority and the child can't do anything about it, im glad i went no contact and don't have to deal with that evil woman!
💯🙏👍👍👍 You helped me today and the silent treatment is brutal and mean but then you try one more time thinking you just might get the acknowledgement and NOPE 😢.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Watching your videos is like waking up from the fog of hypnosis that I existed in all my life. Suddenly so many patterns make sense and I understand the emotional turmoil I have experienced over and over again. I am slowly healing and learning how to be different around these people, how to stop giving them my power. I have a road ahead of me, but I see the light there.
I got so used to apologising for everything all the time that one of my school friends had a word with me one day and asked me to stop. I was so used to doing it that I didn't realise I'd taken it into the outside world. Now I only apologise when I know I'm wrong (obviously we can all do things wrong sometimes and not realise). Currently three months into silent treatment because of something the narcissist did to me and is waiting for an apology for. It's bliss 🙂🙃🙂 Mind you, I did get a birthday card a couple of weeks ago (after agreeing last year not to exchange them any more), which I know is another ploy to pull me back in, or to add fuel to the smear campaign. Bad child can't even say thanks for a birthday card! She does narcissism by the book! I'm not playing her game any more 🙂
I will avoid certain people when they've been consistently hatful to me for an extended period of time (months-years). I will speak to them if forced into an interaction with them, but I actively try to avoid them. I'm not giving them the silent treatment, I just want to avoid the verbal and physical abuse from them, in turn they think I'm giving them the silent treatment and will give me the silent treatment in response. I don't understand that level of pettiness, mistreating people then having the audacity to play the victim when they don't allow you into their lives. The childishness of "I'll show you, I'll hurt you! I'll give you the silent treatment!". All I have to say to those people is, thank you and please continue to leave me alone.
Currently undergoing the silent treatment. Thankfully my mom lives in another state. Dr. Ramani you have helped me learn over the years how to realize it’s not a ME problem it’s a THEM problem.
I think you have 'read the story of my childhood'!! Spot on. Silent treatments, shaming, having to fend for myself as a young child...as an adult, my mom gave me the silent treatment for 7 months one time. As a result I was anorexic from age 16 to 24....
Grew up with it. Then learned years later as an adult that it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. It’s their inability to cope,take responsibility or childish attempt at manipulation. That knowledge gives me distance,which leads to perspective, freedom and peace from any projected responsibility. I can’t control how they behave but I can control how I respond and protect my peace with boundaries. And continue in my joy. Nobody’s allowed near my joy. ❤
When I called out his cheating, I was awarded with the silent treatment and he got what he wanted, escaped out. They are good at doing this all the time.
Oh this so resonated with me. If I think of my father the first thought is of him giving me the silent treatment. It went on our entire relationship. The silent treatment is more cruel than the criticism because it destroys all your self worth trying to figure out why you're being put through it yet again. It makes you question everything you've done and said. It psychologically destroys you.
I am 62 and I still find myself apologizing for everything to anyone I interact with. I hear my father's criticism (unfortunately now I hear his words but in my voice) in my head. I am disappointed and angry with myself every time I do it but it's so deeply ingrained If I don't apologize, I feel guilty for days. It's miserable. Thanks dear old dad. And here's a real thank you to Dr Ramani. You help so much by giving perspective and that helps mitigate the guilt.
My dad use to chuckle when my mother gave him the silent treatment. However, in time, he would apologize to her never knowing he was being punished and controlled. In their elderly yrs, he saw her True-Self as was surprised and learned he silent treatment wasn't funny anymore.
Two different forms of narcissistic personality parents, along with two siblings. There is such an extreme indoctrination on children born into these families. The silent treatment seems to be the most harmless to "outsiders," yet to a trained from birth child, it means failure and death. That "failure is Death" mindset took me 56 years and 5 years with a therapist who also specialized in PTSD/CPTSD to crack that deep training and finally begin to find "me." The most incredible part of these life lessons is not only can you become aware and change within yourself, but you can then see these personalities and recognize traits in others within minutes. The best part, though, is recognizing just as quickly those individuals who are facing/have faced a similar path as your own and recognize their light and their strengths ❤
So, this begs the question: What is the difference between the narcissist giving you the silent treatment and you going no contact? Here it is: The silent treatment is meant to pull you deeper into the bad relationship, while going no contact is a way for you to get out of one. In other words, the goal of the silent treatment is to get you to respond, while going no contact has the ultimate goal of you never responding.
Thank you Dr Ramani 🩷 This is a hard one! I'm used to the silent treatment, growing up with it. I'm standing strong this time. I have nothing to apologise for. But it is unerving! I don't want things to go back to "normal" heck no. When I'm silent, they use that against me. Try to make me feel guilty for not talking to them. But they can be as silent as they want. They say that's them caring 🤷♀️
Mother combined the silent treatment with triangulation so all my siblings would be PO’d at me to further encourage the apology. She used to threaten suicide ONLY in front of me for control. Once I grabbed the knife away, threw it in the sink and screamed “stop doing this to me” then grabbed my coat and ran away. I stopped downtown to call my father at work to tell him what was going on … then kept running. Once I returned home, mother was in full silent treatment mode in her room. Survived so much $h*t as a youngster and teen and healed myself!
Man, she hit it right on the head when she mentions toward the end of the video about how the person may not care if the narc talks to them again, but give in to break the tension to save the other people in the household. I can't even remember how many times my narc x would be irate or having some kind of fit or threatening to leave and I just didn't care, but I would give in at least to some degree to keep him from being in a bad mood and treating the kids badly because of the bad mood. She definitely hit the nail on the head for sure
I’ve been through this with him severally. Felt so bad , I’d cry and cry , accept the blame , feel hurt, get so desperate because I loved them so much and didn’t him to leave me. Well, same thing happened recently and I have REFUSED to go through this again. Today , I’m Moving on head high 🫶🏾💪🏽and never looking back 😊.
Currently going through this (for the millionth time) and each and every time it happens, I get better at not reaching out or paying attention to him. He’s usually the one to ultimately say something. I am so tired and emotionally wasted by this person that I don’t have it in me to care about what he has to say or what happens to him at this point. I rather be alone and cry if I need to, than to spend another day in this stupid cycle. I’m over it!
I have a relative who gave me the silent treatment 3 and 1/2 years ago. I will be at a family affair in about 2 weeks. It will be interesting to see how he acts. I called him out for his narcissistic behaviors, which led to narcissistic injury. There were several things he did that were too extreme to ignore. And impossible for him to claim innocence. In other words, he is wrong beyond any doubt so he went silent. I did not know that his obnoxious and unpredictable behaviors over the years were the result of NPD. He is full-blown NPD. He has done really nasty things to me. I told his sister in law about it. Once, he stomped on his father's foot, who had dementia who couldn't get his shoes on. My cousin did this out of impatience. His sister in law told me about this incident in response to my complaints in order to reassure me that my observations were on point. He started this behavior in his twenties. He is now almost 70, and I can tell you that they do not get better with age. I know he will act out in some form of narcissistic behavior when I see him in two weeks. He might even talk to me as if nothing happened. He might not talk to me. It is a very weird situation. I didn't learn about narcissism until, by chance, after he started giving me the silent treatment three years ago. Actually, it was longer than that. I can tell you that I ain't apologizing to this guy. A part of me does feel sorry for him, but he will never know it. I have learned that things like love and compassion can and will be used to beat the target over the head. What freaked me out was that he did not act like this growing up as a kid. Like I said, he was in his late twenties when I started noticing the change. I thought he would eventually grow out of it. He thinks he knows everything, but the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth left me astounded more times than I can remember. Man, this is a crazy situation.
This resonated with me on so many levels. I had narcissistic parents and a narcissistic partner who used the silent treatment all the time. My whole family did the silent ltreatment on me as a small child.
I've been through it sooo many times with one or a few of them at a time, it can go on for months, years even and it's pathetic at this point. I refuse to allow them the satisfaction of knowing I'm bothered by their ego stroking, attention seeking tactics anymore. It's childish and petty. Shifting the focus back on me & my life. Narcs expects you to collapse because of what they want but life will go on, with or without them and their adult tantrums. My absence will speak whatever my words don't..
My mom does this. It doesn’t work on me anymore. It used to devastate me, but now I just get on with my life, spend time with supportive people, and do things that I enjoy. If I need to cry I’ll cry, but she’ll never get the satisfaction of knowing. It has taken me years to get here. Fortunately, I’m an adult, and my mom’s silent treatment is a result of my narcissistic sister telling her how to handle me. I’m done with games. All of them.
The longer I learned about narcissism and the whole spectrum involved with it the more I realize that a relationship with myself is more and more important. It's really as simple as that. So silent treatments schmilent treatments. I have received them and I have given them, and neither of those two phenomena make me ultimately proud. Love is the answer. The love is the answer for each and every individual on the face of this Earth regardless subsequent reactions that each individual has towards another. If I can get out of that space (inner and /or geographical) of not being the peacemaker so much the better! It doesn't mean I have to participate with the tension. But boy the TENSION in whatever scenario you're in can be quite pronounced.
He said he didn't call me after an argument because he wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. He was afraid I would yell at him so he was waiting for me to call him. Then he would say he was willing to do whatever it took to fix us- therapy, anything. This was manipulation. 1) Im not and was never a yeller. Even if I was angry, he should be strong enough partner to hold space for me to express my anger and hear me out. 2) he smears on the love bombing thick to prove hes still all in. But nothing changes. 3) if he cared he would have called... calling is a much simpler solution to try before therapy (therapy never happened, btw) 4) his not calling is a sick game of power. Im pissed at myself for calling him. But what else do you do in that situation? Communication lines have to be opened to resolve one way or another. He squeezed me into calling first like a python squeezes its prey. I hate him for his sick manipulations. He played with me like a cat bats around a caught mouse. I feel so stupid. Still. Doing so much better but still healing. Peace.
Doctor Ramani, you have no idea how all your videos help me understand all the damage that narcissistic relationship did to me! I am grateful every time you upload a video that confirms I was not crazy and that they did a big damage in my life, but I am healing now and every day hurts less! 💖
It may be that you’ve just picked up habits from the narcissist(s) in your life. I think they’re called ‘fleas’. I know that’s been my experience, at least. I notice some responses from myself in certain situations that I really don’t like and I need to actively work on shedding the negativity that’s been so ingrained into me over the years. As long as we’re actively taking notice of and trying to improve ourselves, I think that’s all we can do.
Yes. Keep giving in to this behavior until you no longer can anymore. There is no win. I’m out, but the enabling family comes after me to give in. They blame me for being the problem because I will no longer come to any family event because I refuse to be in any place that the narcissist will be. Yes, that makes me the problem and I do feel bad because I do have another sibling dying from cancer and I refuse to put myself around it anymore. Even my dying sibling tells me to stop and be supportive. Ouch! I just told him to do him and I’ll do me. Thank you very much. It’s painful but I refuse forever now because now it’s been 9 years almost since our disagreement took place. Can you believe it? It’s so immature it’s laughable to me, but I refuse to give in ever again to her stupid selfish tantrums. Still hurts me, but sometimes life hurts and hurts and hurts when you have to tend to a spoiled brat.
It really does feel like the narcissist is running their own uncontrolled court and judiciary system. They sentence you to an out of proportion punishment for daring to not do what they want.
My mom just started giving me the silent treatment because of my latest transgression of “betraying” her, despite me being really the only one who would listen to her bullshit all the time complaining and blaming others and giving her reassurance. I’m 37, living alone away from the rest of my family, so I don’t really have a support network and when it started a few days ago I was sobbing and full of anxiety. I’ve finally started to accept it and move forward, I’m trying to focus on my health, career, degree, and start dating again, so I’m not going to fall back into that pit of depression again. Plus my dad and my sister have all sorts of toxic personality issues themselves, so they all basically deserve each other.
Thank u so much for helping me Dr!!!❤❤ with all this knowledge I now understand what I was going through the last many years and was brave enough to leave. Thank you so much for all your help and helping everyone out there you truly are an angel. 🎉❤❤❤
I decided this time they should apologise. It’s been 5 years with my friend and 1 year with my oldest sister. No contact. I know I can pick up the phone today and everything will be normal again. This time I won’t. ❤
I recall years back that I couldn't understand why my friend did silent treatment with me when everything was fine. I pretended I didn't notice. Today I have detached from her for good. I would eventually realize she was cruel, sadistic and envious. I saw no solution for her ways except to disengage.
You never know what is coming next with a narcissist, an explosion of volcanic rage or complete silence, which is, in my opinion, almost worse because you know that they are eventually going to erupt. However, when you're in the silent treatment phase you feel utterly exhausted trying to get them to even make eye contact with you. It's dehumanising and insidious.
I was helping my elderly neighbor with errands, but then he started disrespecting me and my family, and arguing until i agreed on certain subjects. I finally had enough, and he thought at some point, i'd apologize, like i have in the past. This video reminds me of so much, like the "gross" feeling. i have given him nothing to work with for 8 months, and i plan to continue for life. He tried the victim thing, then the threatening, sending texts "can we talk", then parking in front of my house. My mistake was thinking i could win an argument. Also, the advice of "i don't have to explain myself" is very helpful. No contact has made me so much more confident. He's right next door, and to make this short, he is not handling it well. I'm saving all texts. I win this time
You have described my life since the moment I can remember. Kids have no option to get out of the relationship with a narcissistic parents and it’s devastating. Adults do and we should not enable narcissistic fools if we can, no matter where we meet them.
The silent treatment was a favorite until my parents and ex husband realized I liked the quiet. I was always at fault and wrong in their world. So apologizing was only going to stop the silent treatment. That just meant they'd start with all the other crap. The silent treatment is now permanent no contact. Ahhhh Peace.
Turns the child into a people pleaser. Some it's even more horrible. Especially, if it is with psychopath with MNP ect. Have to survive til can get away. Then get help. Then, making sure the help is trusting and understand this, or they are a ********" themselves. Be careful about these predators are grooming your child. 😢
My oldest son is I believe narcissist. He tries the silent treatment when I stand my ground with him.I luv the silence and will not apologize at all.I have read everything I can on the subject and am learning from this video also.The hardest is not to fall into their bait and argue back.working on my own silent treatment and walk away
I have a “ friend” who I believe is a classic covert narcissist. For the first time she has pulled the silent treatment on me. She also used the no eye contact and snarky remarks. I asked her once if I had done anything to upset her. Her answer was, no I just started feeling this way and I don’t’t understand why-- however I was the only one to whom she acted this way. I stepped back and yellow rocked her. After a couple weeks she arrived at my house to attend our group’s game day. You would have thought she was my best friend, bearing a gift and presenting it in front of everyone to show haw wonderful she is. No explanation and no apology. She also is acting in control and has a lot to say to control the narrative in group settings. She has taken the control/ lead in a Bible study in which we are to be co- leaders ( her way or the highway). Will use DEEP going forward and hope that she does not try to break up the card group I organized but which she has managed to insist a change in meeting time and instead of serving snacks and dessert it has mushroomed into full blown lunch- an attempt to outdo. Patience, patience,patience!!!! I learned recently that she has used this same behavior on another person in our group of which I was unaware. Another person in the group has become her new source. I feel like I am in middle school again. I was married to a covert narcissist for 27 years, recovered and do not intend to cater to another.
My ex was a vulnerable narzissist and I can remember that I was always the one that apologized although he was the one that had got caught lying. At that time I was not aware that he had power through this attitude. I just could not stand his silence and he used to to manipulate me with it. I'm now far away and don't regret having left him. Thanks for the validating video dear Doc!❤🙏🏻
They will go silent even when they know they’re at fault. To exploit your empathy and make you question yourself. And also so that they can avoid accountability for their actions.
You said it so perfectly 🩷 I will be saving this 🤭 thank you
It’s always their responsibility & that’s why they do it to you
EXACTLY
I apologized to my narc husband many times fully knowing he was involved with prostitutes. Just long enough until .y private investigater got proof. Now divorced and 4 months no contact I use the proof to keep him away. Or I will play the tape for everyone
@NarcSurvivor,🎯 Thank you Christopher.
Silence from a narcissist is golden. Enjoy it while it lasts. Never be the first to speak. Never.
Lol
I'm pretty sure you didn't have a parent giving you the "silent treatment" as a child. I would have cut off my own arm just to have my mother talk to me again.
@@PlumbTuckeredOut I’m sorry you got hurt by this type of treatment ! 😢
I did it at work. When the former boss went silent, I didn't care for him. I already had an exit plan. After a while, he tried to fire me, but finally, I escaped without saying anything. 🤐
@@PlumbTuckeredOutI felt this way into adulthood😔 Trauma bonding. It's hard to break out of. They condition us. As children we had no choice but to give in, to get some peace. I hope you're doing better now? I'm still trying to break it. So thankful for people like Dr Ramani🙏
The silent treatment is THE moment to get out of the relationship with the narcissist if you can! Run!
I like this thought, and it's a good CBT switch from negative to positive. Thank you for sharing your point of view. It's incredibly helpful. ❤
instinct may ensure you leave because of how bad the silent switch is
This.
Yes! Its a great out!
“The silent treatment of adults to
Children lead to adults who apologize for their own existence”😳
Ikr 😭
So sad
Not necessarily. I have a cousin who is EXACTLY like her narcissistic mother, so now you will get double silent treatment and not know what you did to deserve it. I have come to enjoy the silent treatment phase. I don't want them to talk to me anymore. Since I have been working to be the best version of myself, the new me doesn't give 2FS in engaging in their mental malfunction. It may have worked when I was younger, but i'm an adult now and they can go use those tactics on someone else because they don't work on me. I'm also an avoidant, but at least now I am an avoidant who doesn't care about the narcissistic person's "feelings".
So true! I always said I am sorry for everything until age 42
Yes... Sad 😢. My narcissist punushed me with the silence treatment. I saw her doing it to a kid last year and it was heartbreaking. The kid tried to be nice. The narcissist used the silent treatment but also left the room when the kid entered and tried to make up. 😢
Oh yes...I got the silent treatment for months at a time! He would come home angry and leave angry! Stomping around like a juvenile! I'm so glad I divorced him!
Not the stomping 😭 that puts me so on edge.
Congratulations 🎉
Yep, I’ve had it months at a time. Awful, soul destroying and darn right insulting 😔
That's my nex too. He was always angry. He was very emotionally unbalanced.
OMG! 😭
I wonder if anyone here has observed that the narcissist also seems to have an "elephant's memory" where they remember minute details of *your* life that you've forgotten about (e.g. exactly when you bought your car)?
At the same time, they hold eternal grudges against you for *imagined* insults, or misinterpretations of what you said to them many years ago.
Boy is that the truth.
Yes!
Yes!!
100% my mother
👆🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Narcisistic parents torture their children with silent treatment and cripple them for life until they awaken and find the knowledge on Narcisism and start learning from wise and loving teachers like you dr Ramani ❤ thank you 🙏
Yes, until a person forgives their mother, returns to their father, then to their Heavenly Father - and wakes up - always they will be on a therapy couch, in some man-made 12 step fellowship, identifying with many labels, etc.
Wow, it's great to hear you clear that up for me. I'd have been completely confused. I would have thought compassion and support would be the appropriate response, not criticizing someone who believes something other than what you believe. This may be Your Truth, does mean it's The Truth. Others have freedom of choice too, not just you. Criticism of narcissistically abused individuals is not just not helpful it critical, judgemental, and is bordering on abusive. You believe what you want to believe and stop pushing it on others.@@ExpectantHarvest
All true in my experience, the silent treatment feels like punishment. I put up with this for way too long, it is very painful. Tolerating this abuse will eventually make the victim ill. Physically ill.
When narcissists are silent, those are the best times. It's better than them screaming and arguing with you all day and keeping you up all night when you're trying to sleep.
It's a mini vacation...
Yes once you know what is going on their silence is a Dream
🤣
Once I realized what was going on, I also came to appreciate the silence. Sad but true.
@@SylPaperworksexactly. It causes so much misery and stress, being totally ignored by someone you married and had kids with. My anxiety became more of a problem for me and he triggered panic disorder so the independence I once had, disappeared and I began existing. The silent treatment is the worst part in my opinion as nothing gets resolved. They don’t want to resolve anything with you anyway 😔
Giving the silent treatment to kids is bad enough but not feeding them on top of it is horrible.
Agree
The silent treatment from a parent is so very isolating. As an adult I have become comfortable being on my own and being treated like I am invisible. I don't like attention now. And it is spot on how we apologize. I apologize for nearly everything.
Emotional abuse. The silent treatment is their way of punishing you for not agreeing or seeing through their mask. Until you apologise or agree with them you are persona non grata. It's probably the most insidious behaviour I have ever experienced.
100% I’m going through it right now. Person I work with made a mistake on a schedule, no big deal but oh yes it is as went into complete denial mode, even ended up being my fault 🤦♀️ currently on day 4 of the silent treatment and will continue until I take complete responsibility for her error as she’s never wrong and I mean never! Tiresome and draining.
They also do it to manipulate you into giving them supply. They want you to ask, "Is everything ok?" "Did I do something wrong?" When you know full well you didn't. They love that attention. They love to gaslight you, saying, "No, nothing's wrong." Yet, while continuing to stonewall you, to create anxiety in you and a sense of punishment and rejection.
They love the power trip it gives them, and it's usually concerning something that is really nothing at all. They love reading into things and making it about them, i.e., a social media post that had ZERO to do with them, yet they took it as an attack and are now punishing you for something you never did.
Ain't nobody got time for that. I love the "unfriend" and "BLOCK" buttons! Byeeee
Apologizing was in the beginning of the relationship when I didn’t know how deep his manipulation can be until I caught on, now, NEVER 🙅♀️
yep. Same
🙅🏻♀️
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Enablers disturb you from healing. It's so annoying. They are irresponsible to say things without understanding your situation. 😖
Yup! I hear excuses all the time. It really feeds the feelings that are already there. Self blame, guilt, shame🥱 the enablers would change their tune fast if they were in the grips of a narc. Understanding really goes a long way.
I feel only extreme rage and hatred, for the people whom colluded with my mother.
plot twist: dear narcissist, no contact or silent treatment has zero affect on someone who doesn’t give a shit about the person that’s going no contact/giving the silent treatment 😉
it's so nice, when a toxic person stops talking to you (be it discard or silent treatment). it's like the trash took itself out.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I didn't understand the silent treatment until one day, I got the silent treatment. I had
began to view the silent treatment as a mini vacation from the stress of repeating
myself, and them never leaving me to my own dealings. Then I turned You Tube on
and saw Dr. Ramani explaining narcissism and the silent treatment... Thank you!
I've teared up more than once watching your videos Dr Ramani, but this one hit really hard. The insight it just gave me into my childhood and the consequences of it, into the overly apologizing, self-loathing, socially maladapted adult I became, kind of chilled me. I was trained to be my mother's emotional support pet. To this day, the silent treatment remains nerve-wracking, so very painful and just overwhelms my entire mind everytime she decides I should be punished. But her power over me is thinning and I'm healing thanks to my therapist and to your videos. She made sure I never had a chance and yet here I am, giving myself one.
Keep going! 💪😤🙌
You can recover and you’re a lot stronger than you realize. You never deserved this treatment. I wish you all the peace you can find. 🌻
@@sensibeats thank you so much! that means a lot.
@@ericb8413 Wow, i really needed to hear that 🥲 Thank you!
❤🌹🍀
I grew up watching my parents do this and, now as an adult, I'm seeing this play out with a couple of my siblings who have poor communication skills. They rage, withhold, stonewall and silent treatment to get their way. It is a guilt-based relationship where you are there to serve the narcissist and if you don't, you will pay the price! They bully and play the victim in one stinky package.
I am listening to “It’s not You” and 2/3 through it is life changing. I wasn't going to read it figuring I have all the info from your videos… but walking through it in order like a great lesson plan has validated my radical acceptance of not only my nuear family of origin, but as far back in my tree as I have met. Thank you for your mission. It has been a bedrock in my healing.
Nothing angered me more when I became an adult than when my narc parent and sibling used to accuse ME of the silent treatment or being childish when they decided the silent treatment was over and I wouldn't respond to them with glee. I also heard that they bemoan what they are calling “the silent treatment” from me because I went no contact.
oh yeah when you go silent, they love to use that against you to try to guilt trip you!
Im thinking maybe because they use silence to manipulate, so they assume when we go silent we are trying to do it to them🙃 but really we just want peace. All they think about is control I believe🤔
I had a malignant narc parent. She would RAGE, then silent treatment, then smear me to anyone and everyone what a terrible child I was. I never understood what I could do and why she thought I was such a terrible kid. Thankful to now be no contact and understand that there was nothing I could have done.
He did that, once. It was so peaceful! But it lasted 3 days. He was mad that I didn't get upset 🤣
Same😂
Three days is probably fine as long as you don't have kids who witness this. My ex did it for three years. I am a mental wreck even a year after the divorce.
Mother's silent treatment used to be horrible on me. For about 39 years, I actually preferred her relentless screaming fits to her silent treatment. It was in the 40th year when, in my anger, I finally realized her silent treatments were a relief rather than a punishment. Strangely, her noticing that I was not falling at her feet imploring her to communicate again, rather just doing my own thing, caused her to quit doing it after a couple of times.
The various forms of child abuse out there are so sad. I'm sure there are more cases than we can imagine of parents ignoring the plaintive desperate cries of their broken-hearted children. I wish I could run to all those children and wrap them in my arms to protect and comfort them.
Whole heartedly agree.
I have primary infertility, would have Loved even 1 child, but it wasn't to be.
I would have loved to take a few of these children, to show them life is much better in a loving home, and supportive Adults, even if there not your biological abusing parents.
She would do something wrong and blame me and gaslight. Then she would say, I'm not going to have anything to do with you until you apologize. I would eventually apologize even though I didn't know what for, just to keep the peace. This pattern went on for years, until I caught on. Maddening!
In my family the silent treatment was a way of making my needs invisible. They didn’t admit that it existed. So until recently it seemed like they were good parents. Except for what was in that silent space. Which was parenting. I raised myself. I went through the school of hard knocks. I’d hit painful walls with nobody to help me at school and then figure it out myself.
I can relate 😔 I had to figure it all out myself. And yet they want people to see them as great parents. The perfect family. I can't go along with the bs anymore.
My story is almost exactly your story. So sad that people just popped out babies they claim to love and then treat us as pawns, props, and supply.
You describe my childhood (and adulthood) exactly. But if I were to tell them that, they would be deeply wounded and deny EVERYTHING!
@@deemaysie6568 nobody would believe me as an adult anyway. Both my parents are passed.
I was given the silent treatment as a child by my step mother every time my father spent “too much” time with me. I’ll never forget the time my dad took me to the movies and Ice cream and it was so enjoyable and fun and when we got back home she didn’t talk to me or him for 3 days. I was so shocked and hurt bcz was off guard. Went from a high of such a fun time to the low low guilt tripping that I never agreed to go out again anywhere with my father without her untill I was 22. Now I’m in my 50s and she still tried to turn him against me. She’s turned all my 4 siblings (from her and my dad ) against me with a smear campaign. And NO ONE aside from me thinks she’s a Narc. She’s convinced them all that I’m the problem.
So I’m not in contact with any of my siblings anymore. She did this with my aunt also. She isolated me and I learned that’s a narc tactic as well.
I suffered in abusive relationships untill my 30s. Narc parents can ruin you
What an evil woman your father married. Didn't he have a heart or eyes to see or sense you were suffering. Your situation makes me sick and want to cry for you.
My entire family is giving me the silent treatment since May 14 2024 and still is, but it’s a blessing in disguise. It hurt a lot over the summer and I constantly blamed myself even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, I realized that I was always going to be the problem and I always had to apologize. Their belief in the family is to cover up lies and not bring up the past when it has done more damage than good.
My family thinks I just want to be right when in reality, I just wanted to be heard and seen like everyone else.
The silent treatment was me being sent to my room for hours after being screamed at after literally being told no one could love me. I would finally beg to go to the bathroom. My mom had one child and told me they had wanted a football team but after I was born they decided they didn't want anymore.
I learned not to express opinions. To ignore my feelings. To smile and laugh to avoid punishment. To be invisible. To appease my mother.
That is SO wrong, my heart goes out to you.
How I wished you had a support network even as a child, like a Loving Aunty, Neighbour or a friends beautiful mum to take you under her wing..... show you this isn't right.
Wishing you a Better Future
So hard to read, i wish you peace from above. You are not a mistake. God created youand has a purpose for your life…😉
I used to apologize all the time when the silent treatment kicked in - no more, I only apologize when I know I have done wrong & will be accountable. I will not apologize for something that does not belong to me.
My exNarc would go silent cyclically. I never knew why, I had to guess why. Funny he could carry on at work and with everyone else but I'd be the person he decided to punish.
Yep, that’s what they do. They are street angels and house devils. They know what they’re doing, and this proves it. Evil gits 😔
Oh this resonates. My mother used to do this and it just taught me to be an apologetic people pleaser. This has carried over into my adult life. I am working up the courage to sort it out.
In another silent treatment right now. Honestly, I don’t feel bad anymore. Not having to talk to them is kind of nice. I finally can tell myself I haven’t done anything wrong.
You made me able to navigate my marriage.
I am one of those that cannot leave. But I carved my space in the world of the narcissist. The silent treatment is the hardest.
I always watch your video's when I am in it. Since I love my narcissist, I see it as a game now, to say sane.
Thank you Ramani! You are a life saver.
Everyone commenting “Silence is golden with the narcissist, enjoy it while it lasts” - you’re not wrong but it depends on the victim recognising the pattern of behaviour at hand. This is why education is SO critical and SO effective for victims (so thank you, Dr Ramani!) For people who aren’t aware that they are dealing with manipulative behaviour and/or a narcissistic personality, the silent treatment can be hugely destabilising- time stands still in the household, you are suspended there in misery until he/she comes back online and is willing to be pleasant. During those silent hours/days/weeks, the rumination is torturous. But those who have educated themselves and can spot the behaviour and the manipulative agenda are at an advantage and I’m sure to some extent can “enjoy the silence”, Depeche Mode style. It is not just for Dr Ramani but for all of us to try to educate people on these harmful patterns of behaviour, we can put people on a healing pathway so much sooner! Xx
Especially when you're a child.
So true, and destabilising is a good word to describe what it’s like to be constantly given the silent treatment. Everything does stand still in the home, except your mind is racing 200 mph with every thought possible. It’s soul destroying, isolating and darn right insulting to us as human beings who have done nothing wrong 😢
i love their silent treatment. It's like a vacation for me
Every covert narcissist I know gives out the silent treatment. My grandmother was so upset that her favorite child got married that not only did she not speak, she didn't even get out of bed for an entire week!
What? That is so toxic. Was her child a male (like, did she look at the marriage like her kid abandoned her)?
@@RS54321 I think she just disapproved of his choice of wife as she was American and my grandmother was British. No one was good enough for her son.
My parents especially dad got really upset when I got married. Was even worse when he found out I got pregnant. I’m 35 years old… they have not checked in on me in my entire pregnancy
@@eatnplaytoday That is just awful. Do they not want you to have a family?
@@eatnplaytoday that is sad. I know a lot of families where things got better after the baby was born because the parents wanted to see the grandchild.
Your videos helped me through my last relationship!
It was only 3 months long and he hit EVERY SING RED FLAG you ever mentioned, ever 😂
Thank you so much. This video feels serendipitously timed. I was starting to doubt my conviction, then I saw this video about 10 minutes before I left for work and then realized, nah, I'm good. 😤
I'm my own supply, I don't need a narcissistic d-bag in my life 🎉❤
I wish I saw this 3 months in.....didn't know anything at the time so I blamed myself. After only 3 months, although it feels awful at the time, you recover easier. 😢
So Brilliant. Wow. To clearly see how the silent treatment in childhood affects us as adults is so powerful. You are an excellent teacher, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
I have an 87-yr old mom now who when i was a child, she would grab the largest knife out of the kitchen-drawer and wld start to swing it above her own forearm as if she was going to cut her arm (making crazy face). When she saw/heard enough tears & anxiety & apologies from me, she would put it back inside the drawer and tell me “one day u will come from school & will find me in a pool of blood & it will be ALL YOUR fault.” There were times when honestly I would stay after school outside the house in fears….. Eventually I developed PTSD & couldn’t pass the Florida Bar Exam as many times as I took it.
Hello. I'm sorry to learn that has been your experience with your mother. I hope you are okay and now know that it was NEVER your fault ( and never our faults) for what our biological parents and families do, and how they behave - it's easier said than done, but I hope you have been able to get support and healed, or at least in a better, clearer place.
And with all my respect, not intending to 'diss' your mother, but that was a clear giant red flag of how unsafe you must have been as a child. No adult has the right or choice to put a child in a situation like that.
It hit me when she said 'a day or two'. I came to realize, shortly after we were married, that I could maintain my sanity and composure for two weeks. At that point I thought I would lose my mind, not knowing what I had done and where my champion had disappeared to. The longest was a diabolical 6 weeks and on the other side, there was only indifference.
As soon as I see that a narcissist has gone silent on me, I know I've crushed them. I don't get manipulated into submissive or needy behaviour. Especially when they abused my sincerity and goodwill from the beginning.
I always found the silent treatment odd and immature behavior. And kinda relieving at times to not hear the narcissist talk. At first, I never understood the agenda behind it but it happened, I treated the narcissist as if they didn't exist. It drove them mad. Glad I don't deal with them as much as I used to
They can't take what they dish out
Yes that happened to me a lot of the time when I shouldn’t be the one apologising.
He would give me the silent treatment for hours or days after I told him off for mistreating me, then when he was bored of me not reacting, would ask “are you still sulking??” like I was being childish and HE hadn’t been the one ghosting me when I tried to have a conversation about the issue at hand.
This is my mother’s signature move.
Mine did that too when I was growing up, and she still does it to me and my sister, but I have figured out ways of fighting back now.
They're annoyed with us especially when we really had a very good time and enjoyed ourselves the previous day. How dare we have a good time. Next their behavior changes to this mean and rude monster.
I lived this my entire life with my narcissistic mother, everytime i would ask her if everything was alright, did i do something, what's wrong, im sorry, on repeat for decades, is the most evil thing a narcissistic parent can do to their own child, is a form to punish you since they are the parent they take advantage of their authority and the child can't do anything about it, im glad i went no contact and don't have to deal with that evil woman!
The silent treatment then sometimes turns into being alienated!
Now I will be silent for some decades and living in my peace.
They can keep their treatment.
💯🙏👍👍👍 You helped me today and the silent treatment is brutal and mean but then you try one more time thinking you just might get the acknowledgement and NOPE 😢.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Watching your videos is like waking up from the fog of hypnosis that I existed in all my life. Suddenly so many patterns make sense and I understand the emotional turmoil I have experienced over and over again. I am slowly healing and learning how to be different around these people, how to stop giving them my power. I have a road ahead of me, but I see the light there.
I got so used to apologising for everything all the time that one of my school friends had a word with me one day and asked me to stop. I was so used to doing it that I didn't realise I'd taken it into the outside world. Now I only apologise when I know I'm wrong (obviously we can all do things wrong sometimes and not realise).
Currently three months into silent treatment because of something the narcissist did to me and is waiting for an apology for. It's bliss 🙂🙃🙂 Mind you, I did get a birthday card a couple of weeks ago (after agreeing last year not to exchange them any more), which I know is another ploy to pull me back in, or to add fuel to the smear campaign. Bad child can't even say thanks for a birthday card! She does narcissism by the book!
I'm not playing her game any more 🙂
I will avoid certain people when they've been consistently hatful to me for an extended period of time (months-years). I will speak to them if forced into an interaction with them, but I actively try to avoid them. I'm not giving them the silent treatment, I just want to avoid the verbal and physical abuse from them, in turn they think I'm giving them the silent treatment and will give me the silent treatment in response. I don't understand that level of pettiness, mistreating people then having the audacity to play the victim when they don't allow you into their lives. The childishness of "I'll show you, I'll hurt you! I'll give you the silent treatment!". All I have to say to those people is, thank you and please continue to leave me alone.
Currently undergoing the silent treatment. Thankfully my mom lives in another state.
Dr. Ramani you have helped me learn over the years how to realize it’s not a ME problem it’s a THEM problem.
I think you have 'read the story of my childhood'!! Spot on. Silent treatments, shaming, having to fend for myself as a young child...as an adult, my mom gave me the silent treatment for 7 months one time. As a result I was anorexic from age 16 to 24....
I nicknamed my narcissist ex husband. The Silent Knight the Unholy Knight. I’m a people person. The silent treatment was absolutely unbearable.😭
It’s soul destroying, insulting, the cruelest part in many ways 😢
Grew up with it. Then learned years later as an adult that it has nothing to do with me. Nothing.
It’s their inability to cope,take responsibility or childish attempt at manipulation.
That knowledge gives me distance,which leads to perspective,
freedom and peace from any projected responsibility.
I can’t control how they behave but I can control how I respond and protect my peace with boundaries. And continue in my joy. Nobody’s allowed near my joy. ❤
When I called out his cheating, I was awarded with the silent treatment and he got what he wanted, escaped out. They are good at doing this all the time.
Oh this so resonated with me. If I think of my father the first thought is of him giving me the silent treatment. It went on our entire relationship. The silent treatment is more cruel than the criticism because it destroys all your self worth trying to figure out why you're being put through it yet again. It makes you question everything you've done and said. It psychologically destroys you.
I am 62 and I still find myself apologizing for everything to anyone I interact with. I hear my father's criticism (unfortunately now I hear his words but in my voice) in my head. I am disappointed and angry with myself every time I do it but it's so deeply ingrained If I don't apologize, I feel guilty for days. It's miserable. Thanks dear old dad.
And here's a real thank you to Dr Ramani. You help so much by giving perspective and that helps mitigate the guilt.
My dad use to chuckle when my mother gave him the silent treatment. However, in time, he would apologize to her never knowing he was being punished and controlled. In their elderly yrs, he saw her True-Self as was surprised and learned he silent treatment wasn't funny anymore.
Two different forms of narcissistic personality parents, along with two siblings. There is such an extreme indoctrination on children born into these families. The silent treatment seems to be the most harmless to "outsiders," yet to a trained from birth child, it means failure and death.
That "failure is Death" mindset took me 56 years and 5 years with a therapist who also specialized in PTSD/CPTSD to crack that deep training and finally begin to find "me." The most incredible part of these life lessons is not only can you become aware and change within yourself, but you can then see these personalities and recognize traits in others within minutes.
The best part, though, is recognizing just as quickly those individuals who are facing/have faced a similar path as your own and recognize their light and their strengths ❤
And so often when you then do apologise, you get the ‘magnanimous’ response of: “No need to apologise”….
I greet the silent treatment today by being me. Sent the birthday gift anyway. No response required. Unconditional love.. ❤
So, this begs the question: What is the difference between the narcissist giving you the silent treatment and you going no contact? Here it is: The silent treatment is meant to pull you deeper into the bad relationship, while going no contact is a way for you to get out of one.
In other words, the goal of the silent treatment is to get you to respond, while going no contact has the ultimate goal of you never responding.
Thank you Dr Ramani 🩷 This is a hard one! I'm used to the silent treatment, growing up with it.
I'm standing strong this time. I have nothing to apologise for. But it is unerving! I don't want things to go back to "normal" heck no.
When I'm silent, they use that against me. Try to make me feel guilty for not talking to them. But they can be as silent as they want. They say that's them caring 🤷♀️
Mother combined the silent treatment with triangulation so all my siblings would be PO’d at me to further encourage the apology. She used to threaten suicide ONLY in front of me for control. Once I grabbed the knife away, threw it in the sink and screamed “stop doing this to me” then grabbed my coat and ran away. I stopped downtown to call my father at work to tell him what was going on … then kept running. Once I returned home, mother was in full silent treatment mode in her room. Survived so much $h*t as a youngster and teen and healed myself!
Man, she hit it right on the head when she mentions toward the end of the video about how the person may not care if the narc talks to them again, but give in to break the tension to save the other people in the household. I can't even remember how many times my narc x would be irate or having some kind of fit or threatening to leave and I just didn't care, but I would give in at least to some degree to keep him from being in a bad mood and treating the kids badly because of the bad mood. She definitely hit the nail on the head for sure
I’ve been through this with him severally. Felt so bad , I’d cry and cry , accept the blame , feel hurt, get so desperate because I loved them so much and didn’t him to leave me.
Well, same thing happened recently and I have REFUSED to go through this again.
Today , I’m Moving on head high 🫶🏾💪🏽and never looking back 😊.
Currently going through this (for the millionth time) and each and every time it happens, I get better at not reaching out or paying attention to him. He’s usually the one to ultimately say something. I am so tired and emotionally wasted by this person that I don’t have it in me to care about what he has to say or what happens to him at this point. I rather be alone and cry if I need to, than to spend another day in this stupid cycle. I’m over it!
I have a relative who gave me the silent treatment 3 and 1/2 years ago. I will be at a family affair in about 2 weeks. It will be interesting to see how he acts.
I called him out for his narcissistic behaviors, which led to narcissistic injury. There were several things he did that were too extreme to ignore. And impossible for him to claim innocence. In other words, he is wrong beyond any doubt so he went silent.
I did not know that his obnoxious and unpredictable behaviors over the years were the result of NPD. He is full-blown NPD.
He has done really nasty things to me. I told his sister in law about it. Once, he stomped on his father's foot, who had dementia who couldn't get his shoes on. My cousin did this out of impatience. His sister in law told me about this incident in response to my complaints in order to reassure me that my observations were on point.
He started this behavior in his twenties. He is now almost 70, and I can tell you that they do not get better with age.
I know he will act out in some form of narcissistic behavior when I see him in two weeks. He might even talk to me as if nothing happened. He might not talk to me. It is a very weird situation. I didn't learn about narcissism until, by chance, after he started giving me the silent treatment three years ago. Actually, it was longer than that.
I can tell you that I ain't apologizing to this guy.
A part of me does feel sorry for him, but he will never know it. I have learned that things like love and compassion can and will be used to beat the target over the head.
What freaked me out was that he did not act like this growing up as a kid. Like I said, he was in his late twenties when I started noticing the change. I thought he would eventually grow out of it. He thinks he knows everything, but the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth left me astounded more times than I can remember.
Man, this is a crazy situation.
This resonated with me on so many levels. I had narcissistic parents and a narcissistic partner who used the silent treatment all the time. My whole family did the silent ltreatment on me as a small child.
I've been through it sooo many times with one or a few of them at a time, it can go on for months, years even and it's pathetic at this point. I refuse to allow them the satisfaction of knowing I'm bothered by their ego stroking, attention seeking tactics anymore. It's childish and petty. Shifting the focus back on me & my life. Narcs expects you to collapse because of what they want but life will go on, with or without them and their adult tantrums. My absence will speak whatever my words don't..
Yep those delusional idiots truly believe the world evolves around them. They think they're so special. They aren't
My mom does this. It doesn’t work on me anymore. It used to devastate me, but now I just get on with my life, spend time with supportive people, and do things that I enjoy. If I need to cry I’ll cry, but she’ll never get the satisfaction of knowing. It has taken me years to get here. Fortunately, I’m an adult, and my mom’s silent treatment is a result of my narcissistic sister telling her how to handle me. I’m done with games. All of them.
The longer I learned about narcissism and the whole spectrum involved with it the more I realize that a relationship with myself is more and more important. It's really as simple as that. So silent treatments schmilent treatments. I have received them and I have given them, and neither of those two phenomena make me ultimately proud.
Love is the answer. The love is the answer for each and every individual on the face of this Earth regardless subsequent reactions that each individual has towards another.
If I can get out of that space (inner and /or geographical) of not being the peacemaker so much the better! It doesn't mean I have to participate with the tension. But boy the TENSION in whatever scenario you're in can be quite pronounced.
He said he didn't call me after an argument because he wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. He was afraid I would yell at him so he was waiting for me to call him. Then he would say he was willing to do whatever it took to fix us- therapy, anything.
This was manipulation.
1) Im not and was never a yeller. Even if I was angry, he should be strong enough partner to hold space for me to express my anger and hear me out.
2) he smears on the love bombing thick to prove hes still all in. But nothing changes.
3) if he cared he would have called... calling is a much simpler solution to try before therapy (therapy never happened, btw)
4) his not calling is a sick game of power. Im pissed at myself for calling him. But what else do you do in that situation? Communication lines have to be opened to resolve one way or another. He squeezed me into calling first like a python squeezes its prey.
I hate him for his sick manipulations. He played with me like a cat bats around a caught mouse.
I feel so stupid. Still. Doing so much better but still healing. Peace.
Doctor Ramani, you have no idea how all your videos help me understand all the damage that narcissistic relationship did to me! I am grateful every time you upload a video that confirms I was not crazy and that they did a big damage in my life, but I am healing now and every day hurts less! 💖
The more I watch Dr. Ramani videos, the more I feel like a narcissist. And I watch almost all of her videos.
أملك مجتمعات جديدة لك يا دكتورة ❤
أملك مجتمعات جديدة لك يا دكتورة ❤
Get Help 😂
@@TheShadyGarden333😂😂 I totally should
It may be that you’ve just picked up habits from the narcissist(s) in your life. I think they’re called ‘fleas’.
I know that’s been my experience, at least. I notice some responses from myself in certain situations that I really don’t like and I need to actively work on shedding the negativity that’s been so ingrained into me over the years.
As long as we’re actively taking notice of and trying to improve ourselves, I think that’s all we can do.
Yes. Keep giving in to this behavior until you no longer can anymore. There is no win. I’m out, but the enabling family comes after me to give in. They blame me for being the problem because I will no longer come to any family event because I refuse to be in any place that the narcissist will be. Yes, that makes me the problem and I do feel bad because I do have another sibling dying from cancer and I refuse to put myself around it anymore. Even my dying sibling tells me to stop and be supportive. Ouch! I just told him to do him and I’ll do me. Thank you very much. It’s painful but I refuse forever now because now it’s been 9 years almost since our disagreement took place. Can you believe it? It’s so immature it’s laughable to me, but I refuse to give in ever again to her stupid selfish tantrums. Still hurts me, but sometimes life hurts and hurts and hurts when you have to tend to a spoiled brat.
It really does feel like the narcissist is running their own uncontrolled court and judiciary system. They sentence you to an out of proportion punishment for daring to not do what they want.
My mom just started giving me the silent treatment because of my latest transgression of “betraying” her, despite me being really the only one who would listen to her bullshit all the time complaining and blaming others and giving her reassurance. I’m 37, living alone away from the rest of my family, so I don’t really have a support network and when it started a few days ago I was sobbing and full of anxiety. I’ve finally started to accept it and move forward, I’m trying to focus on my health, career, degree, and start dating again, so I’m not going to fall back into that pit of depression again.
Plus my dad and my sister have all sorts of toxic personality issues themselves, so they all basically deserve each other.
Thank u so much for helping me Dr!!!❤❤ with all this knowledge I now understand what I was going through the last many years and was brave enough to leave. Thank you so much for all your help and helping everyone out there you truly are an angel. 🎉❤❤❤
I decided this time they should apologise. It’s been 5 years with my friend and 1 year with my oldest sister. No contact. I know I can pick up the phone today and everything will be normal again. This time I won’t. ❤
I recall years back that I couldn't understand why my friend did silent treatment with me when everything was fine. I pretended I didn't notice. Today I have detached from her for good. I would eventually realize she was cruel, sadistic and envious. I saw no solution for her ways except to disengage.
You did the right thing. Onwards and upwards.
They, my adult sons & have given me the silent treatment since 2015. I've apologized and they still use the silent treatment is still going.
I used to apologize a lot, and I didn’t even do anything wrong… I just could not handle being ignored for weeks at a time….. pretty sad
You never know what is coming next with a narcissist, an explosion of volcanic rage or complete silence, which is, in my opinion, almost worse because you know that they are eventually going to erupt. However, when you're in the silent treatment phase you feel utterly exhausted trying to get them to even make eye contact with you. It's dehumanising and insidious.
I was helping my elderly neighbor with errands, but then he started disrespecting me and my family, and arguing until i agreed on certain subjects. I finally had enough, and he thought at some point, i'd apologize, like i have in the past. This video reminds me of so much, like the "gross" feeling. i have given him nothing to work with for 8 months, and i plan to continue for life. He tried the victim thing, then the threatening, sending texts "can we talk", then parking in front of my house. My mistake was thinking i could win an argument. Also, the advice of "i don't have to explain myself" is very helpful. No contact has made me so much more confident. He's right next door, and to make this short, he is not handling it well. I'm saving all texts. I win this time
You have described my life since the moment I can remember. Kids have no option to get out of the relationship with a narcissistic parents and it’s devastating. Adults do and we should not enable narcissistic fools if we can, no matter where we meet them.
The silent treatment was a favorite until my parents and ex husband realized I liked the quiet. I was always at fault and wrong in their world. So apologizing was only going to stop the silent treatment. That just meant they'd start with all the other crap.
The silent treatment is now permanent no contact. Ahhhh Peace.
I am a mother of a covert narcissistic daughter. The silent treatment is tool she uses often.
Turns the child into a people pleaser. Some it's even more horrible. Especially, if it is with psychopath with MNP ect. Have to survive til can get away. Then get help. Then, making sure the help is trusting and understand this, or they are a ********" themselves. Be careful about these predators are grooming your child. 😢
This is one of my FAVORTE videos because it speaks directly to my childhood experience. ❤
Wow was this so damn helpful for me. Thank you so much for this. This unlocked a whole lot of answers for me. Thank you 🙏🏼
My oldest son is I believe narcissist. He tries the silent treatment when I stand my ground with him.I luv the silence and will not apologize at all.I have read everything I can on the subject and am learning from this video also.The hardest is not to fall into their bait and argue back.working on my own silent treatment and walk away
I have a “ friend” who I believe is a classic covert narcissist. For the first time she has pulled the silent treatment on me. She also used the no eye contact and snarky remarks. I asked her once if I had done anything to upset her. Her answer was, no I just started feeling this way and I don’t’t understand why-- however I was the only one to whom she acted this way. I stepped back and yellow rocked her. After a couple weeks she arrived at my house to attend our group’s game day. You would have thought she was my best friend, bearing a gift and presenting it in front of everyone to show haw wonderful she is. No explanation and no apology. She also is acting in control and has a lot to say to control the narrative in group settings. She has taken the control/ lead in a Bible study in which we are to be co- leaders ( her way or the highway). Will use DEEP going forward and hope that she does not try to break up the card group I organized but which she has managed to insist a change in meeting time and instead of serving snacks and dessert it has mushroomed into full blown lunch- an attempt to outdo. Patience, patience,patience!!!! I learned recently that she has used this same behavior on another person in our group of which I was unaware. Another person in the group has become her new source. I feel like I am in middle school again. I was married to a covert narcissist for 27 years, recovered and do not intend to cater to another.
My ex was a vulnerable narzissist and I can remember that I was always the one that apologized although he was the one that had got caught lying. At that time I was not aware that he had power through this attitude. I just could not stand his silence and he used to to manipulate me with it. I'm now far away and don't regret having left him. Thanks for the validating video dear Doc!❤🙏🏻
You can say what you like about DrRamani but she definitely knows her stuff!