THE SILENT TREATMENT: WHEN THE NARCISSIST GOES PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
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- Опубліковано 25 лис 2018
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Often narcissists feel you need to be punished so they resort to one of their favorite tactics, the silent treatment. In those moments, do you find yourself reacting with open tension? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains the rationale behind the use of punishing silence and offers sound advice for responding to it.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist with 38 years experience. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions. He maintains his practice near Dallas, Tx.
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After the silent treatment they act like nothing ever happend.
Gaslighting tactic
And projection too
Toxic contamination
Yes, as if they never put you through a silence treatment at all, so weird
Just Queenie Very true
Immature, vindictive, cowardly behavior meant to punish and control you. It never changes. It’s sadistic behavior.
"Lets make this permanent" ...when they give you the silent treatment. Love it.
It really is the best solution too. Time = distance and the more distance you get from the toxic person the better off you are.
@@Scorpionwins23 Yes, keeping away from these di****ds is your only salvation.
@@Scorpionwins23 Hi does that mean moving away?
They think they are the master of it but when you play this game with a reserved and naturally quiet person they can't win. I used to love tasks whereby I had to not talk when I was a child because I didn't have the pressure to talk. It just means fewer people to put the effort in and talk to 🤷
The silent treatment has no place in a relationship. It is highly disrespectful, very cruel, and in NO way is it love. I divorced a husband over this toxic behavior.
They go silent just so they can watch you chase them.
Mary Rebecca Israel great point
Not!!!!
Yep! This is exactly what they do. I had a coworker try to break me.
Never would I let a man break me down & give them the response & satisfaction they are desiring.
@KnowledgeIs Power Status quo: they are getting nothing! I can't live up to their criteria, so I'm out!
We had an argument and they left for 12h. I tried making conversation and I only got nods and headshakes for yes and no. The next day the silent treatment continued. I decided I'm not playing their game, so I left without saying a word. 10 mins later my phone rang.
I loved making fun of my ex-narc when he gave me the “silent treatment”. I called it his “pout and punish” mode. What a loser!!
I wish I had bailed when he gave me the silent treatment the very first time. I can remember it clearly, It was a sign of things to come. The silent treatment is really emotional abuse.
Well said, the silent treatment is a cruel and cowardly weapon. Don't be a victim of it.
They start drama and when we stand up for ourselves they act like the bigger person by going silent. This has a two-prong effect of making us feel like we overreacted (and ofc we then feel guilty)
I'm being held hostage be these evil beings.
The silent treatment cuts me to the core. I should be used to it at this point. But it triggers every abandonment trigger I have and it literally destroys me.
@@jackedkerouac4414 Exactly, I didn't know it is that typical
@@brandyparker8961 I feel this too but you need to try to build your self worth and independence in a way that it can't be shaken by their absence anymore
My mom died during a silent treatment period. I knew that it was nothing I could do to have a normal relationship with her. I gave up and worked on me. I know my family is judging me but I don't care. My mental and physical health finally made me go no contact.
I had to do something similar with my father: I did say goodbye to him the day before he passed. My therapist had urged me not to go. I just want to say that I fully support your decision and I know how hard it is that others do not understand this type of parental abuse.
Same exact story here!!!!!! I get it!!!!! And you 💯 did the right thing!!!!!!! 🙏 bless your heart...enjoy your coming days...you earned them 🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷💛
Me too. I'm so sorry you didn't have the mom you needed and deserved. I truly get it!🌻🌻🌻
Y'all made me cry! Just to know somebody understands what it is to long for a mother's love and never get it. Thanks beyond measure for your support.
@@tmacknola7896 I do understand. I was taken away from my mother when I was twelve. She would have been allowed supervised visits had she been willing to do what the court ordered. Instead to get back at my Dad we never even got Birthday cards and didn’t see or hear from her at all until I was nineteen. I prayed throughout my life that my parents would get better. They have both passed in the last year and a half and sadly I never got the parents I thought God wanted for me. His word reminds me though that despite my parents forsaking me, He has not!
If the narcissist is your husband, LEAVE. Do not stay with this person, they are evil to the core. As someone who is married to a recovered narcissist (35+ years) IT'S NOT WORTH IT. Although I no longer get the silent treatment, the 25+ years I dealt with it has destroyed my health and is going to put me in an early grave. Ladies, save your sanity and your physical health and get the hell out.
I am married to a narcissist. I get this silent treatment at least once a month. He will claim illness or depression, usually saying "I dont want to argue with you " & he will take to his bed & sleep for 2 days. It used to infuriate me to the point of wanting to hit him, now I just ignore him. Its been 6 years of hell. He claims he is moving out this weekend, I'll believe it when I see it
The women that do this are the absolute worst . Multiple people have done this to me ..men , get out
@@kevinjohnson7418 If you are having relationships with multiple women who are doing this to you, I would think you are attracted to that kind of person. You need to figure out why you are gravitating to such disordered women.
@@scottiehall8695 multiple people throughout my life. I didn't know anything about it. I do now. So won't be doing that again
@@lyndarogers8496 16 yrs of hell here.. his mother is worse...………..I have started too enjoy the silent treatment at this point. I get told I am just crazy...omg..no it is called being fed up. if not for this stuff on UA-cam I would not have realized what type of situation it really is. now 7 months of no smoking cigs and no matter how" perfect" I become just fuels more problems. I even stopped dying my hair !!!!.. no cigs..no superficial or material objects.. no nothing but bare min now and STILL GET CRITIZIED FOR SHIT THEY MAKE UP... now i find their lunacy comical . me and my narc..and his narc mother plus father,sister,brothers were in a divorce trial that I won pre-trial only too get back together after. so now everything that they learned in this court hearing is now use against me and I am not evening playing their game so it is just intensifying . no trust no nothing. I know I am the one who has to leave and it is the scariest thing .I don't see the fighting or control over every thought or feeling I have ending ever. don't go into 16yrs like me. help him pack .lol
When the narc. gives you the silent treatment, that is the time to enjoy the peace and just enjoy the quietness.
We must NOT try to fix them.
They are beyond help, so drop it...................
Took me to long to learn this.
Thanks I will enjoy the peace and quietness and not play the game.
Exactly! Drop them off a cliff, I prefer the Black canyon in colorado or maybe Marina trench.
😭
Hey, anyone knows what after silent treatment special by ur boss, she is ******, n she is planning to fire me may be,... Any suggestions
It's to control you, and put you into submission. Aka you broke the "rules".
Angela Exactly!!
agree
Exactly, I got "punished" for most of the day today. Sadly she can sit there are stare at me while being silent but I just didnt glance her way and got so much work done. lol Being punished makes me so mad but I have to make the best of it..ugh
@@ina-tajwedwab2486 Lots of video its about being a people pleaser so if we don't please the dominator we are free.
Exactly!!! My escape and going no-contact with all the dysfunction in my family was my saving grace. They squirm because one of their own escaped. As a mother of five, with three sons being US marines, I feel that I've sent them a clear message that my grown children and I are worthy of a more nurturing existence.
When they do the silent treatment they act like nothing happened when they start responding and they never want to talk about anything they do that you don’t like.
Life is temporary but make the silence permanent with a narcissist. Enjoy life!
Wisdom 💕🍃💕
I hope my ex is enjoying all the silence on my end. He earned it.
Very true.
Well said. 👌👍
Amen!!!!
As long as you have Emotions, you will be harvested. They can’t stand feelings, but they thrive on your emotions!
Yes, they don’t see others. They snapshot you as an internal object and relate to that. Your job is to feed them validation for the snapshot, and they get dopamine by feeling in control.
That is a very good point... They do not care for anyone but themselves. But they like to make an example of us if we get emotional about something. They will accuse of making them look bad, or speaking "allegations" against them. Real nasty pieces of work... Don't bother trying to make peace, it would be used as an advantage. Best to walk away and don't look back, there is nothing to see.
That is so helpful, thanks
@@WDBDWK Good observation
Harvested.
Its especially hard for someone who has severe anxiety and depression to deal with always blaming oneself its emotional hell
Mitzi carpenter being with a narc inevitably leads you to having severe anxiety and depression
@@shannanthrive9514 I can personally attest to that. I'm an emotional wreck dealing with a narcissist mother.
ABSOLUTELY! my logical mind says it's her problem but the part of me who wants to be a good person tells me it's me. I just have to cause trouble by not bending to her will.
Mitzi carpenter this someone who imperatively has to get out
Just keep telling yourself ,it's not me ,I'm normal. The person I'm dealing with is sick, and needs help. Your fine. It's not you. Just remember look at them when their talking to you, and picture someone you know that has a child that's four. They don't know any better, and they may have an uncle or family member they were expose to as a child, and this rubbed off on them. Or maybe their spouse is the boss of the house and they have no power. So they have to try and control you. Or insult you.in order to feel in charge.
The silent treatment is the worst part of the abuse. It’s soul destroying. It’s isolating. It’s insulting. You feel like something on the bottom of the narcs shoe! It’s the most selfish, cruel part of the abuse, yet you can’t say or do anything otherwise it will escalate or make you look desperate. My narc husband will speak when he is ready, which has been 18 months in one go before and 8 months. It’s been months rather than weeks throughout the 28 years we have been married. Never a justifiable reason. That’s the hardest part. I’m a lovely, caring, empathetic person who hates confrontation and arguments. If I do react then I look like the bad guy! These narcs are sick and twisted but not to the point it destroys their own lives. No, they destroy ours 😢
It’s a beautiful thing when you don’t give a crap anymore, ahh. Life is good again.
Yes, the problem never had anything to do with the narc. It was always about boundaries.
im in that place now
Truly is!
It's easy for a degenerate to be a degenerate. For us, we can't imagine how could someone be so cold and callous. But just imagine how nasty they are on the inside that they are completely comfortable with hurting people like this. And they know what they're doing, they know exactly what they're doing.
My adult daughter is one, I have M.S, she talks me down, Shuts me down, invents things she says I've either said or done, which is untrue, she's So Cold hearted and Callous, Like a dead fish, and after saying a Tirade of Abuse, she goes Silent for days, then suddenly she's talking again, Shrill and Fast, like nothing happened !
I Feel I've gone Crazy.
I believe you are completely right🤣🤣🤣🤣
Carrie Red hope you’re in a better place Carrie. You deserve so much better!
Indeed
@@carriered4715 The silent treatment is part of the cycle of emotional abuse to control you, guilt trip you to make it feel like you're the one in the wrong. It's a nasty thing. But don't fall for it and don't feel bad about it and don't engage them back when they start talking to you again. Focus on you and do your own thing, as much as you can.
But they all literally operate the same way and that's hiliarous. Just avoid them as much as you can, that's the best way to deal with any of it.
And sometimes they're family so you can't cut them off for good, but just don't get emotionally invested and only deal with them when you have to. Good luck to ya.
No kidding. When I'd try to reason with him as an equal, he'd explode and say he'd talk to me ONLY when I "stopped disrespecting him."
I'm long gone from that marriage.
Same! Which just made me want to totally go off on him lol.. Ughh
Lucky!!
Oh ya, that’s a good one. When you’re just being as honest and as nice as you can be at the same time, and they yell at you and tell you you are being disrespectful. 🙄
@Mrs B BSN my dumb ass husband told me the other day he’s been writing down all the hurtful things I’ve ever said to him. 🙄 oh lord. Why would ANYONE want to do that? Have at it, pal, and then read it over and over all day. 🙄
Same!! Was with my narc for 16 years...before finding out he had 3 other girls on the side. Last straw was him paying one of them for sex. I was done.. 1 wee silence and counting. I can breath now. God I can see. EYES OPEN AND NEVER GOING BACK
The narcissists playing victim, silent treatment just indicates themself as cowards/losers. Just stay out of their games to keep our peaceful minds and heart.
The silent treatment is severe emotional abuse it's hurts really bad in a marriage with no communication and without honesty u have nothing that's no where near real love........
aline simon they don’t love you they love bomb you.. unfortunately
Having a narcissist as a spouse is the worst thing
I filed for divorce the next day after he went silent. I prepared and was ready when the discard came. ( Narc Rage).
I donate know physical abuse is bad too. We need to quit quantifying what abuse is the worse and say it's all bad/evil
Don't know stupid spell corrector
My narc has “gone silent” for two years now.... “the worm has turned”- I don’t even care anymore. My strength comes from the Lord.
be careful of the discard though. Was the same with me and one day..
@@dianne7250 please tell us...
he left after 30 years of marriage. Out of the blue for me but all planned on his part. When I was in hospital with a broken ankle.
I have gone no contact with my narc. Now they can be in the same room and I will not respond.
that could piss them off Zipporah. They could provoke you by breaking something for ex to make you react
For me the silence treatment was the key to no contact. It sort of did the work itself. My abuser completely ignored me and went silent, instead talking behind my back.
I flipped that around and cut them out of my life, leaving no way for them to get back in. You have to think strategically sometimes and collect your thoughts and most importantly, stay sane.
This makes me so sad. When I think of the wasted time I spent trying to work out the endless silent treatment and how to end it. I just wish I had heard all this years ago. 😢
I feel your pain, but better late than never, 💗
Me too
Same here.
😥🤗
I am with you 100%. I've been buying his "never wrong act" for 56 yrs. Thank God for these experts.
The silent treatment is so cruel and should not be used as punishment or to correct a child behavior. It creates confusion, sadness, resentment and anxiety. It is a form of rejection that makes kids feel invisible. Children don't have the social development and skills to deal with the situation.
Denyse Letourneau and abandonment issues.
freetobeme yes
Not _just_ cruel to children but it's cruel to adults too. It's cruel to anyone.
Yes it's horrible your caretaker has decided to totally cut you out it feels like death to the child because they rely on the adult for food, love and shelter. It's the ultimate control power move. It means you don't exist to me unless you learn to play along with my games. Learn to play and I won't shut you out. Horrible.
Aww
I will not play the game anymore. If someone goes silent on me then I too will go silent; as in disappear, cut all contact, and consider it reciprocated in good kind. It took me a long time to figure out this was an abusive, punishing tactic. Life is far too short. Thank you Dr C!
I agree. Walk away from those people, whoever they are, and DON'T LOOK BACK.
Kevin, good for you. You and others don't need to have to deal with someone's insecurities by playing stupid games especially if they are in their 30s or beyond.
I just had the silent treatment for 2 days and that was enough for me as I'm quite anxious. Broke up with him via text and blocked his ass from everything. And this was his second chance, I'm an idiot for listening to him thinking he's changed after how he treated me the first time around. It hurts quite a lot but I know I need to cut him out, he's toxic to my entire being.
Kevin I’m doing this too.. being silent is the safest way because it’s painful to me...
I am just sharing this text because its so true and can help us to feel less pain. ( It's not our place to diagnose others. A moody person is fighting some internal battle. Separate yourself from them and realize that it's not all about you.)
When I was given the silent treatment, it was accompanied by hateful stares, slamming doors and drawers, and ultimately it ended with explosive rage.
By "ended" I'm hoping you refer to your release from this abuse. Dr. C
That's what my mother did
The oddest thing is that when they see you after their long silence (blocking on phone, email and/or social media), they approach you as Victim - as if you did something to them. Best, sadly, to make the silence permanent or you’re just perpetuating the inevitable. Again, Dr Carter offers good understanding of how best to deal with this dysfunctional behaviour.
In the end I left because I just couldn't take the raft of behaviours associated with this type of person. It's exhausting. One day I hope to meet a grown up man😊
Yes they act like a child.
It's a tell all and a blessing when they don't speak to you though isn't it?
I am potatoe I was thinking the exact same thing. 😕
It was for me, sadly he never did it again.
When the narcissists in my life blocked me on all platforms i had a huge feeling of relief and thats when i realised this family i was dealing with had major issues. I've blocked them back because the one texted me, blocked me, then unblocked me again and texted me again...then blocked me AGAIN! Lol. They're Hit n Run folk. Then come back for more. Run when they give you the silent treatment; thats your escape.
Yes and no. I know after the silence comes the storm. They had way too much time to plot their next move.
Yes it's more of a blessing in my case. I can tolerate my narc wife (barely) as is. If she doesn't talk all its a bit better.
My dad did this to me few days back.
So for the first time in my life. I LEFT!
Now they are all panicking (including relatives) and calling me that I am a bad child because he's in a Victim mode OMFG
Consciously I understand what they are doing and why, but my issue is the anxiety I cannot control during the silent treatment. You never know what comes next and how to behave next to them. It's exhausting.
I refuse to play this severe emotional silent game anymore with anyone I can find someone who wants to talk to me not throw me aside....this is craziness
It is the cruelest way for them to torture you. First time they do it leave.
Enjoy the silence and keep it that way! Bye bye Narc 👋🏼
"Your peace doesn't have to be given to you that person". Great stoic advice.
A family member narc went silent on me. What a gift! My life is so much better.
To right I used to worry what have I done wrong when certain people gave me the silent treatment, usually after I had the cheek to say NO to them once in a while! I now just leave them to it & have found how much more peaceful & stress free my life is 😊
It is great when you realise that the silence which is intended to punish, in fact becomes sweet relief. It's where I'm at right now and on into the future. The longer it goes on the better I feel about myself. There is life after narcissistic abuse.
Yes Praise the Lord!
I let out A huge sigh of relief for you, just by reading your comment
Right!?
Narc brother (58) blew up, truly insane name-calling, blaming, etc, at me via email. I just responded, "That's unfortunate." I haven't heard a word from him in 4 months. . .it's heaven. Mom (84) keeps trying to "clean it up" for him (she literally called it that!) but I told her I'm not going to discuss him with her if he's not present (a boundary, I guess). She keeps trying, and I keep changing the subject. I know what she's up to - she's worried about the next family get-together, wants everything to be fine. But what's clear to me now that I never, ever would have realized a few years ago, is that she's asking me to basically accept her explanation/clean up so that she can be comfortable with the 2 of us in the same space. This has gone on for years and years. Sometimes, he's normal and decent, and sometimes, he's calling you names, accusing you of awful things. But what never happens is that he is accountable. I think she might be his flying monkey, and I hate that I find myself avoiding her generally, and when I am around her, I only discuss very superficial things, nothing personal or important. That relationship is broken, and I feel like it's gone forever and she isn't willing to do anything to restore it. It makes me very, very sad, and I wonder what other of her relationships she's allowed him to damage. If I put myself in her shoes, as a mother, I can understand the impulse to spend the last years of her life trying to rescue him from himself, like I can understand wanting to just give your kids everything. But it's ultimately a very selfish thing that makes you feel good and powerful, but invalidates and weakens the child. Why can't she see this?
Fact: Narcissist just treat you like they were treated as children. And you get treated like you were as a child. Break out of the matrix.
But how do they treat their own children? That's what worries me...
You got it spot on !
@@evelinehaanstra9069 stonewall them..
And it doesn't help that I'm nearly 15 years younger then my husband
Elvis Edge RR Woodward learn how to play the game with them..
never let them know it bothers you, try and Gas light them made their head spin!!!
The last time he decided to dish out the silent treatment I decided to play him at his own game and told him if he wants the silent treatment he can have it permanently I havent uttered a word to him in over a year and can't see my self ever speaking to him again not playing his petty childish controlling games anymore
I am currently getting the silent treatment from a friend. What she doesn't know is how much I am enjoying the break from all of her drama and neediness. In my heart I'm saying thank you to her and God bless.
Don't play the game - exactly - pointless and unnecessary. Let them think they won - and walk away - Beautiful.!
Exactly - don't play their stupid games.
Angela Carleton That is the only way out!!
easier said than done.
Nobody can take away your dignity, they only get away with it if you don't cut them out and serve your own justice.
Narcissists do not change...they stay emotionally stunted 2 yr olds....walk away and keep your sanity....be all that YOU can be....and let others know if they are involved with a Narc....,
Renata Mileske
Yes!! Great advice!
Great advise
Emotionally stunted 2 year old.
BINGO!!!!!
@Deplorable Cat Cut all contact with that neighbor. I had to do it with mine when she became inappropriate and asked overly personal questions. You don't have to tolerate ANY of their crazy behaviors, nor are you obliged to.
Polski Girl do you really think it is our place to let others know? Struggling with this now...experience?
"I'm not playing the game". Definitely good words and actions to live by.
I grew up with a mother who did that to me and dad all the time so now if a narc pulls that on me they can just stay silent forever and never bother me again. I've had enough!
Yup. I grew up w what I now know a narcissistic mother who use to give me the silent treatment n now I’m married going on 35 yrs w a master manipulator narc n he’s giving me the silent treatment
Metoo
Exactly. I welcome it any day compared to the negative attention. Silence is golden.
Do not respond to their silent treatment. Just carry on with your lfe being happy with the peace. Maybe, like a child, they will want to say "hey why aren't you talking to me" breaking their own silent treatment games.
Exactly, this method works every time. Instead of sulking like they want you to, if you revert back to your carefree happy self and not let their antics bother you, they will take notice and slowly begin to realize that it won't work on you. Ever.
Yes mine did today. I finally stopped messaging him and he messages me and says "so you're not gonna message me anymore?"
Pfff ridiculous mind games..
Exactly what he does why aren't you talking to me why won't you answer why aren't you picking up the phone gee I wonder
The first few silent treatments I got, I text and called him desperately while he sat back and enjoyed the show. Then once when he gave me the silent treatment for three days, I just got on with life...until he text with “I don’t understand. Are we still together?” Silent treatment only works if you react. The last silent treatment I got was up to a full week. I had so had enough of the drama and confusion, I left him. He couldn’t believe it...he underestimated me. While he was ignoring me, I was learning to live without him.
I recently did this with a narc coworker. She got mad at me for "siding with" another coworker that she didn't like. I just pretended I didn't even notice she wasn't talking to me and carried on like nothing had changed. Her silence only lasted for one day. Wish it had lasted longer!
I read somewhere recently that a narc's emotional intelligence is around the level of a 2-4 year old. No wonder their reactions are so childish!
I loved it when my narc ex gave me the silent treatment.....it was the only time I got to spend with myself, without him controlling the environment!
Silent treatment is a low key break if you let go of needing them to determine who you are. Sometimes they hurt you so much. The silence is rare, but a break in its own way.
It's peaceful
There is nothing peaceful about silent torture. The only time it would be peaceful, is if you didn't love them. For someone you love, it's devastating and maddening.
When I was married many years ago, my husband would suddenly go into silent mode for days and I would not know why. I knew I was being punished for something and that I was supposed to think about what I might have done wrong. Asking what was wrong or offering to talk was met with one word answers and more silence. I knew I would hear about what I did wrong eventually, so I learned to just do things that I liked while he was in silent, sullen mode. Often I would wish him a good day and go spend time with a friend or do something that took me out of his arena. Leaving the space where I was being ignored was the one thing that would break the silence. Usually when I came home later that day, I would start to hear about all the things I had done wrong (starting with going out with a friend), but at least now we were talking. Lol. I ended that relationship a long time ago. These videos bring back a lot of memories.
My narc husband tried the silent treatment on me once. He constantly talked so I enjoyed the silence. I guess I was enjoying it too much because he noticed and went back to constantly talking. He never did silent treatment again. I left him last year.
Diann They always do what you don´t like and enjoy teasing you. Awful!
@Zainah Green Oh my dear. It was stressful for you. Every man who will come is better for you. Good luck.
Kick these wretches to the curb - they deserve it!
@@blonderider2650 In Germany we say: Wer Hass sät, wird Hass ernten. Which means: Anybody who treats others with hate will get hate. I hope you understand what I mean. regards
@@Libertine45677 It's not about hate, it's about giving them a taste of their own medicine.:)
Another terrific video. This man nails it every time. I usually watch this man in the mornings before work. I work with youth who have suffered trauma. I always learn something. What a great man to share this information freely 👍
Thank you so much for being there for those kids.
I am with Damien, Dr. Carter helps me too to understand the broken Narcissist, and to compreend where their they coming from, it's not about me, it's all those layers beneath them, if I look logically, I become compassion towards my ex spouse(which I still love) to feel sad for him, not able to experience love, and give love back, when uncondittinal love is in front of him. (My deep walk with the Lord, it's been teaching me that) However, when my heart and my own selfishness speaks (because we are all broken and selfish in some way or shape) those behaviours hurts us, because our needs and feelings are not getting met or our tank not getting filled. This is a such fine line. Personally speaking in my case, sometimes I feel I so dumb and struggle with, because I feel uncondional love is not giving up in a person you love, like a parent who don't give up on a child ( non healthy or healthy parent). Pourpose Love, gives fire to build healthy boundaries with ourselves and others, to keep believing that is always good inside someone. I also believe today we more aware , educated, understanding about how our upbringing shapes our lives today, because many years and even generations past, mental health and behaviour issues were not understood was like today. PS: watching this videos , also teaches me, that we also have a little bit of Narcissist in ourselves too., I am not disgarding the main issue, however we also need to be realistic and to be honest to examine ourselves too. And able to ourselves to admit, take ownership and change (which, a narcissist rarely can't do it). My upbringing, I thought was very disfunctional, because my parents were very loving, very touching, involved, giving and the same time confrontal head on, much of accountability, ownership, give credit where credit is due, responsibility and a bit of pride recognizing when we were wrong. No take a my narcisistic ex spouse and family upbringing is the opposite of my upbringing, then I realized that I had a healthy upbringing and learned what really means a disfunction and no boundaries upbringing is. Like I said before all of this is very very sad and can make a 💔💔 like me, inspite speaking logically. I always end up look at this picture, where it sums all up. Jesus was betrayed and dismissed 3 times by the same people that said, they would never betray and would follow Jesus always and never leave His side, Jesus knew that and still Love them unconditional, He chose Love. One died (the narcissistic) could not leave by what he did and the other went on preaching God's word LOVE. I wish all the best Damien.
God bless you. Thank you for the work you are doing.
I have a friend whom I hold dear to my heart. He is a narcissist. But I knew hm when he was not anything like this. He was my first boyfriend. My first love when I was 14. And he was 15 or 16. It breaks my heart to see what He has become . I have watched and held conversations with his morher. I feel there is a strange relationship between mother and son and I know she is the one who has done this to my beloved friend. She knows he is messed up but acts like she had nothing to do with it. She is pure evil and I can't go on stand to even look at her for what she has done to her own son. My best friend! I feel as though she murdered him, because when I'm around him I see the body of my friend but he is gone now and now something eles lives in his body.. l heart is rip apart by all of thins knowing I can do nothing to bring him back .I just keep prayig.
Seriously. Here's a round of applause for Dr. C ❤️🙏✨
People who had a good upbringing dont know how lucky they truly are. They got to be themselves,they got to think how they think, they got comfort, encourgment, love, all we got was control and domination. i called my father before and he said "i was ignoring your calls on purpose what do you want" nothing, enjoy your alcohol.
Im back here again watching this. Just read my two comments from 3-4yrs ago. Things are so different now. And reading my old comments made me feel sick to be honest. I had no control then but now...i have myself respect and confidence back. I eventually realised it wasnt going to change unless i changed it. I stopped reacting, chasing, reacting and giving supply. Iy took years but this video was the start of my new self. Thank you Doc. Your a legend and have done way more for me than i could ever begin to explain.
My favorite quote i came across years ago, when dealing with a narcissist is this:-
Never wrestle with a pig.
Because you only get dirty.
Plus the pig likes it.
Thanks again Dr, youra real smart guy. 👌
Absolute truth! 💯😁
I like the silent treatment it's quiet! Don't have to hear the lies or having things rub in my face? It's helping me heal thank u narc! Making me strong!! Great video!
Around here, we call it the silent treat.
M M
Especially at work, 😂😂😂😂😂
#1 Funkateer I am having a silent treat right now. I must have done something unacceptable. How come I can't stop smiling?
M M I learned about Narcissism, the word, definition and how to cope with it during one of my Narc's silent treatments that my Narc turned around and said I perpetrated.
I use the silent treatment right back at him. I love the quiet. He gives up first. So hilarious! Two can play the same game!!
The similarities, in the comments, to my situation are astonishing. However it's comforting to know I'm not the only one.
Same!
I agree👋
It’s like why can’t I just sip my mocha latte in peace. 😂Scheming control freak mf’s. And some act like complete wusses too, so you have to be Har rassed and then listen to their feelings, stop feeding them people
Right!! It’s so weird to find our lives typed out in Comments by sooooooo many different people all over the world. Narcissists are looking to be the new world crisis it seems. Freaking sucks!
Same
I call it a vacation from the chaos!
I was getting the silent treatment from a narc for days so I did it back to them, and after a couple of hours they went nutz yelling at me why am I not talking to them. They can't take what they dish out.
I love how the smallest word can escalate to days of the "silent treatment " until u almost blame urself ..hang on to sanity
This was my ex
After ten years, all of this information is so overwhelming😢😢😢My husband is on day 21 with the silent treatment!! I am praying & making moves to get out!!!!!😢😢😢😢
How are things going with you? Have you ever got out?
same here! 10 years of marriage, 3 kids later, and now he gets some crazy idea that i had an affair with a GAY man....silent treatment for the past month....i thought i was going crazy trying to rationalize with him. He said he is leaving, broke my heart, I'm slowly learning now that I am worth much more than this and do not deserve this evil treatment.
Why are you counting sis! It’ll tear down your sanity. You focus on getting out
I’m so sorry, I remember when I was in this mess. I pray you got out! 🙏🏽
You won't regret getting out!🎉 stay strong🤗
Whenever I got the silent treatment I just acted casually said "Ok" and got on with my life keeping them to theirs. This is where I was able to assert my boundaries and gain strength for when they hoovered. 🍒
I finally got to the point where I got so tired of my daughter blocking me and the silent treatment so I can't see my grandson. I was a very happy grandmother but she stole even that away from me . So this last time she pulled that on me I decided I'm tired of this merry go round. I don't want anything to do with her I'm so done. I see the longer we have no contact I'm finding peace and rest from the chaos that she always brought around . I miss my little guy but nothing I can do anymore to see him. He brought me so much Joy and she know's that so she uses him as a weapon to hurt me.
Same situation. It's been 2 year's now over something so stupid. I finally broke down and begged her because she's pregnant again with my 2nd grandchild. But ba'be she can go until death. I know now she's a narcissist
My sister has blocked me from interacting with my 3 niece/nephews for almost 3 years. She only finally let my kids speak on the phone with their cousins in Fall/Winter 2021. My kids have never met her 3rd child who is now 3. On valentines day she said she was cutting all of us off completely. I told her that I would respect her wanting no contact but NEVER stop talking to her kids! So I send them birthday packages with pictures of my whole family so they know we love them even though their mom is screwed up! Mind you, this whole thing is because I finally addressed the painful emotional/physical abuse that I received from my siblings/mom about 5 years ago & my sister didn't like being told she wasn't perfect. She even twisted my last visit to her, when she had her 3rd baby & I spent my own hard-earned money & left my 5 kids/hubby to go visit her & cooked/cleaned/watched her kids for her for 2 weeks with only 2 hours of her personal time spent with me (think "hired maid-nanny" treatment), she wrote an email accusing me of doing these nice things to somehow hurt her using evil intentions because "why would you visit if you felt this way about me?" I responded, haven't you ever heard of forgiveness? She didn't care...somehow me helping her if my story of abuse is true couldn't be anything BUT ill intentions. Obviously she doesn't understand love, compassion, kindness, etc. Both our parents are narcs so I'm not surprised she, the golden child, turned out to be one too.
My encouragement to you is to NOT give up but get smart instead! My siblings & I were also pawns in my parent's chess game of life. Send snail mail to your grandbabies. Sign them up for services like grocery boxes, science kits in a box, art supplies, etc. with your name on the account, maybe even a love note attached to the service. Ignore the mom & show the kids you're there so that as they get older, their mom's gaslighting & victim complex about you can easily be proven false. Send flowers, singing telegrams for special occasions. Sign the kids up for birthday clubs like free meals, scoops of ice cream, etc. Don't over-do it, just stay present in their lives. The likelihood of their moms trying to cancel these services/gifts is low because it will make them look bad, & their pride will more than likely claim that THEY provided these good things...unless they are a malignant narcissist/sociopath, like my dad is. One day your grandbabies will grow up & search for you & the truth will come out either way. Stay strong!
💪😎💕
Patricia Knost Almost identical to my story. She messaged me that I need to kick rocks and that the world would be better if I was in the ground with my brother (who passed away) because I am a waste of space. The next day she wanted me to keep her youngest. I asked her why she said all of that mean stuff the night before. She blew up. She blocked me from calling and online. She has done this before but I would always go and kiss her butt so I could see my 3 grandsons. This time I feel that she crossed the line. I'm done with her. I'm in Ohio and there are no grandparent rights. I grieve for those boys but I am done. My daughter is 31 and I am 60. She will never change.
They are using their own children as a weapon against you which is evil. Be a parent/grandparent/mentor to other young people around you. There are probably young people in your neighborhood or even street that have no one. Be a good neighbour or get involved with volunteer/ charity work. Create a family of choice for yourself that isn't abusive like your family of origin.
Enjoy the Silence!!! 😃🤷♀️
My ex did this. The first time it happened I didn’t even know we were fighting, he just stopped speaking to me or responding to me for a month. When he finally came around he claimed ‘he had been testing me.’ I should have ran away then and never looked back. Lesson learned.
Thank you so much. I’m dealing with the silent treatment at this very moment.
Me too! Week number 😁!
I got that for one week! No msg reply no telefone. When he came back i said ok thats your way but without me!
I have used my narc's silent treatment as an opportunity to educate myself about what sort of person I am dealing with. In fact, when this silent treatment started I didn't even know she WAS a narcissist.
I do now!
Same here. I’ve gotten very educated over the past few months. Now room mate is doing the silent treatment again. Need to know how to get them out of my home, with out a major problem from them. Any advise. I don’t have money for legal fees etc.
I'm just learning. Restraining order in June.. divorce in January! No contact has been great! I haven't puked in the morning's!! He would have me so nervous after first cup of coffee I'd get sick. Now I've been waking up with a smile on my face!! I have no way to get anywhere. Although we have three cars and a truck. I have no friends but i will hopefully. I still feel good regardless what the outcome 😁
Just be grateful to God you didnt have the gargoyle's spawn
@@miraclesforus2 I have been stuck for years. Married 2005 already in our 40's just now got the opportunity this summer! Long road.. denied sex since 2007. Never even thought of searching myself, I feel unworthy still 🙄
Good luck! After 20 years i still don't have any real friends since he took all mine away. it's hard to make friends as an older adult. But I've settled with just being happy by myself.
sky avenger I didn't know anybody els felt sick to the stomach about stuff like this . our adopted daughter who was over 7 at that time is a narc from things we have learned over the last few years . I was often very thight on my chest . She left us with friends help together n has been trying with everything to get all our family against us including my own parents. Often I've felt sick enough to almost puck n so wish this could just all b done n gone one day but I feel totally stuck . I've been trying to learn how to live this life we find ourselves in . But there r times I find myself wishing to move far far away where nobody knows us n just live a free n happy life . but since we can't do that I'll just try n learn some more how to live this life I find myself in . She is married n has started a family n has been successful in having her whole in law family against us including the extended in law family which is a very very large family. it seems n almost impossible situation n I'd long have gone crazy eccept for one thing , Jesus who gives me strength. if there is anybody out there that could give some added advice I'd love to hear , I need to learn how to handle this in a positive way . I know ppl say go no contact but that I can't see how it's possible
sky avenger
Be your own best friend first!! 😉
Thank you. The silence treatment is best when it lasts forever and you can reciprocate.
Right on
well stated - had a really good laugh about how you phrased it - made my day 😂
Gender Studies Review Or if you can start it yourself by going no contact and sticking to it.
One message I read if your phone ISNT ringing it's probably ME
My mom gave me the silent treatment 'until I apologized' for telling her she treats people badly. She lived with us for several years waiting for that apology. She moved out 10 years ago and still refuses to speak to me. Best years of my life!
Wow, sounds like my mother
On a side note, the silent treatment serves two purposes if you're in a relationship w a narcissist. They use it shame and punish you and they also use it to live out a double life that you're probably not aware of. While you're languishing in agony as you're being ghosted, the narcissist is having the time of his or her life playing someone else with sexual gratification.
Quote of the day: They don't DO healthy.
It's too much to me. I quit and got free from all narcisist abuse.
I said exactly those words "I'm not in a game". My purpose is not to win, it's to be happy and free.
Delved into every aspect of my life. Jealous but in an ownership way. Hid finances. Isolated. Kept secrets. Passive aggressive. Corrected me as a parent would reprimand a child. I could not survive without him. He had me convinced he was The Best thing that ever happened to me. I'm crawling out of a narcissist's cave and seeing the world for first time in 33 years.
same story
Quote of the day....they don’t do healthy. Priceless.
This was exactly what my mother would do to me since i was a young child. My siblings seem to think its my fault because i don't beg her more. I have tried everything that they suggested and other things..with no change. She pretends i don't exist in nor my children or grandchildren. Several years ago, i decided i had enough and went no contact with her and my whole family. Life is so much better without the mental abuse.
Don’t play the game with them. Best advise
true! run away!
My narcissist ribs by the idea of punishment which is baffling to me. I am absolutely no interest and punishing anybody.. any form of punishment towards them is completely unacceptable.
Better to get the silent treatment than to get manipulated and comply to their rules of how they think things should be
Dr. Carter, you are a Godsend. Hope springs eternal in me.. this is a blessing... I pray it is not a downfall in the end. I believe in love and healing. But, I hear you, am listening, applying your sage advice. Thank you, as always.
Thanks for being an encourager! Dr. C
No words to describe when they do their silent treatment other than disbelief and audacity on their part. Too evil!
oh, yes, on the 3rd date I asked why he seemed a bit cold & distant to me, and it exploded into me being a "bully and evil", and I was "blocked" on his cell phone and dumped! (I LOL about it now! :-).
I had texted the narcissist and made a statement of fact, he read the text and immediately gave me the silent treatment...with no response... recognizing this, i immediately 👻 him...and went NO CONTACT and have been that way ever since....
Thanks for reminding me I do not need their permission
I say find someone who wants to talk to you.....
aline simon 💙
Yes! Yet they refuse to acknowledge the absence, and typically reach out when they need something from you again. Then if you dare ask why they get to choose when contact is “allowed” or happening at any given time. They lash out and blame you. They call you crazy. You were the silent one. Now give me what I want NOW! 😔
After getting the silent treatment MANY times, I can honestly say it’s like a painful, gut wrenching slow death, of being stabbed over & over again for many days, over weeks, and months. My kid, that I was close to did this repeatedly. I believe their brains aren’t wired correctly, and ppl who ghost, or ignore you are sadists.
When I have peace of mind, I have won.
Yes! Dr. C
My ex H would ignore me for days on end. It was super awkward as we lived under the same roof. I'd try to get him to talk, beg sometimes, try to hug him etc. I mean he wouldn't even eat meals I'd prepared him. After 3 years of this cycle every few weeks, i decided to see how long he'd carry on if i just ignored him back ... 3 weeks later he grunted at me.
So i went on a mission to make new friends so i could go out and have fun when he shut me out. I met a great group of people through church and every time he went silent i went out. It drove him mad!! He'd text and call me, drive round looking for me. Tee hee!
When he realised i wasn't playing his games anymore he became quite aggresive, then he told everyone I'd abandoned him to join a cult!!
I am happily divorced now. He robbed me blind as he left but he didn't steal my joy.
Get support folks, surround yourself with decent people who will be there for you when the poop inevitably hits the fan.
Love and peace x
"He robbed me blind as he left but he didn't steal my joy!" Truer words never spoken 😄
Beautiful :)
I don’t know you but I’m proud of you! ! You did what I HAVE to do...
Good job. Been there, it’s horrible! You got out!
This has to be true....I'm going through the same exact thing. Someone has found me!!! And are quite happy in saving me too!!!. He did tell me to "BUCKLE UP AND ENJOY THE RIDE"!! I THINK I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM😁😁😁
Going from communication to an extremely prolonged silent treatment in a relationship, it's far from easy .
Most of us have a desire to " fix " things via communication.
Fixing things however with a narcissist who wants to shut us off may seem impossible simply bc it is.
The harder we try , the less effective we become.
Fixing thing can then become a trap for the good will person .
This trap can hurt us in return.
We do not have the power to change another human being .
We can not control other people's actions and reactions.
The solution oriented person will struggle with this .
Outstanding videos and message!
Much gratitude for the enlightenment!!
*There is no rest when dealing with Narcs! For it is written, If a wise man contendeth with a foolish man, whether he rage or laugh, there is no rest ~ Proverbs 29:9!*
One thing I've learned....anytime a yes or no question is answered startung off with "well...." It's sure to be folliwed by a story, lie, or excuse.
You're onto something. Dr. C
Additionally I would like to add, these people can cause very real PHYSICAL ILLNESS to manifest within your body, I had cancer at 31yrs old and it was stress related from this ex husband he became an ex after my brush with death as I knew deep dwn he was the true cause and he was.
💯
Glad u saw the light & pulled through. I hope you are living a happy & healthy life full of love now.
Another excellent on point video ! Before I understood NPD I was devastated by the silent treatment, one word answers, selective hearing etc. Then I no longer reacted or played into the immature game. The silence became a blessing because all narcs do is talk about themselves and in my experience nothing intellectually stimulating came out of his mouth anyway. It's like having a relationship with a child.
Im so glad I found you Dr. Les ! Your videos give me more than any of my recent therapists !
Yup, I have a covert-malignant narcissist husband and I've experienced this silence treatment so many times already that I'm immune to it by now. It's so ridiculous and a total waste of time for me to get involved in, so I just leave him to do it all he wants, while I stick to my own stuff. The longest silence treatment he's given me has been 2+ weeks, while the usual (almost weekly) is 1-2 days. I take it this way that when he's silent, I can concentrate on learning new skills from DIY stuff, and that keeps me happy 😉 until he becomes "available" again like nothing ever happened
I have known several family members who used the silent treatment. On several occasions I would try to discuss something only to be stonewalled. When I have encountered this several times with one person I just give up and move on. If someone doesn't want to be honest and share their feelings and will not allow me to express mine, then I have to deduce that they don't care about the relationship enough to fix things.
Feel exactly the same way. Life is too short so we need to just cut them loose and move on. Let them play their silly games on their own
Superficial is easier..
Don't go deep with the narc.
It is after all how they live.. it's all they understand.
I hear every word that you're saying I'm happily married but my ex partner who had a child for keeps coming back out of the blue he doesn't have any formal relationship with my daughter as there's no need for him to contact me she is 18 years old but he can't let go of me he will yell at me and say the most horriblest things and then call me back and say I miss you I want you when he done well knows I've moved on
@@secreteobsession3584 STAND YOUR GROUND.☘️♥️
The ex narc has said 'I'm not that deep'. So I finally came to believe him.
They DO tend to be fantastic in bed. Think of the as Kleenex: soft strong and disposable. (points for knowing that movie quote)
My first silent treatment from my narc-ex lasted 24 hours. When I got upset and called him out on his behaviour, he said “why are you making it all about you?” By the end of our two year relationship, his punishing silent treatment got up to a full week.
I left. He blamed me.
Of course
Finally understood in my 50's that i was raised by a narcissistic mother and i was definitely not the favorite, So appreciate your kind information.
I started a job working for the town. One of the full time employees ,for some reason, was intimidated by me. Yes. A narcissist. He wouldn't talk to me for months. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was right. And he would warn the selectman how bad I was. I lost my job because of it. I didn't realize this till it was too late. There was nothing I could have done.
Oh, Lord, yes, it's happened. They can never acknowledge their raging and drama bombing, and they go "silent" so nothing ever gets confronted. I don't take the narc bait. I got so tired of it, I went no contact. My sister certainly did everything she could to destroy me. She managed to smear me enough to get my entire family against me. Yet, none of them can say WHY. She also smeared me to her daughters, so 2/3 of them hate me, too. No one will say WHY, but her determination is that "I DESERVE" mistreatment, regardless of the fact that she'll never say what it is I ever did to her. SHe just needs a tattoo across her head that reads "I'm offended and angry." I am FINE with them thinking they're winning. I win by NOT PLAYING.
Sounds like we may have the same sister, Rainbo. Their not saying "why" is the most immature thing. My theory is if the "why" had a shred of legitimacy, they wouldn't hesitate to express it like an adult, but they know its a facile lie or smear, so they hide behind the gaslighting pout. Its like a bluff in a poker game we never signed up for. I really like your approach, ie "the only way to win is not to play" Let them suck on their "why" like lollypop, and bow out of all their head games. It reminds me of that saying, "Just because the donkey brays, doesn't mean we have to answer." LOL. Its amazing how much they pull that "drama bombing" stuff you mentioned too. (love that phrase.) They do it because it gives ya no time to think. I used to fall for it every time, and when I finally woke up to what was happening, what a shock. I couldn't wrap my mind around how anyone could be so mean. And for what? I did nothing to these people. I finally did the slow fade out with toxic fam, bowed out in peace from all their dramas, and smears, which don't end, sadly. Whenever they rope in a new flying monkey to call or write, they use that old tired playbook and press that button. But that old button is out of order for a decade now, it don't-a-verk-a-no-more. Hats off to ya, fellow pilgrim. Wishing you peace and blessings Rainbo.
Thank you! I have struggled with an adopted daughter for 36 years. I have finally figured out her game. I know it’s not a game...it’s a personality disorder. I have decided after countless attempts to maintain a relationship that it is impossible. I will be going silent. Your talks are wonderful!
@@kathleenguilmette3254 I too have a adopted daughter, she will not speak to me, sometimes for 6 months, she will bad mouth me to other family members, but will not talk out things with me. It truly broke my heart. I have suffered so much, I love her and feel I have done my best for her. But she feels the need to abandon me. all her problems are my fault. I am having a hard time with this as my heart is broken, she bragged to her sister that she can cut people out of her life anytime she feels like it. she is 35 years old I got her when she was 5 mo. old.
@@yvonnedugan3396 she has a spirit of rejection & needs deliverance. If your a Christian you can pray for her to be set free. It's not logical for her to behave like this since you loved & cared for her from 5months old, think about it. Blessings & peace to you & your loved ones.
@@jussaraarundel9953 I have been praying for her, today she texted me , saying she loves me, and is going to call tomorrow. Keep praying that that spirit will stay gone. I love her dearly. I pray she will be
able to talk about her pain. I would love to have a close relationship with her, if she will quit shutting me out and breaking my heart. I do not want to go through this again.
Worth mentioning, too, that only the narcissist is allow3d to end either an argument or the silent treatment. My soon to be ex husband would become enraged if I asked if he wanted dinner etc.
Has that 'ever' happened he asks...I would replace that with 'constantly.'