What's Your Trauma Bias?
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- Опубліковано 21 чер 2024
- Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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So real. Or when you meet a genuinely nice person, but you look for all the things that could be wrong with them because you’re not used to love and support 😭
I did not understand the second example. What was he really saying?
I love how casually you say “you might miss the fact that they’re a sociopath”! Because that’s how casual it actually FEELS! You somehow just nailed it by speaking TRUTH as if it was an inconsequential side salad… that’s how it happens! My dad never gave me a lift anywhere, this guy picks me up at my door. I mean, he’s a sociopath but .. hey, it’s all good! Oh my Lord, this has been my life! And you just said it, the whole of my life and I’m 50 years old, you just told me my whole story, so casually and calmly in 61 seconds! I’m mind blown.
Yep. It’s just another Tuesday. It’s just another sociopath.
That's what I love about Patrick! He has a genius for framing and stating things so perfectly that big concepts are so easy to really understand.
@@annaburns2865yup! My life!
@@kathrynparke1711100% just the biggest most profound truths … he just says it. In one minute. He’s amazing.
You are lucky in my eyes to have a close sister. My older sister is a combo Narcissist along the gala/communal lines. She is less than 2 years older than myself but tortured me most of my life. This was the first family member I went no contact with. She used my toothbrush to "clean" the toilet with when we were children as my psycho, alcoholic EXmother gleefully reveled to me as an adult. I put clean in quotations because the princess sister never cleaned anything or contributed to the family household in any way. Once I had a hand me down Easter dress from the Episcopal church ladies. She wanted that dress so bad, but I was thin enough for the tiny waist. The two of them took long corsage pins and ran them along the seams, so that come Easter Sunday, I would be poked the entire day. They delighted in hiding my shoes from me and putting bugs, and pepper in my food. It's really a miracle I am alive. As adults the two of them conspired by stealing my identity, teacher certifications, work history, CEU credits and more to create fake nonprofits and obtain HUGE federal grants. Then they slandered my name across 4 states to masque their crimes. They belong in a prison/insane asylum with zero Internet access because they also cyber stalk and bully with the help of flying monkeys. It is truly a miracle I believed their lies for so long and tried to celebrate holidays or share my life with such low life women. It must be so nice to have a sister enjoy jokes with, go shopping and cook together. Know that somebody has your back and front
Aside for trauma biases, it struck me while watching this that it's a trap most people also fall into when it comes to people who are highly successful. We see that success as a virtue, and it takes much longer to see, accept and/or speak out about the negative aspects of those kinds of people. Incidentally this is why highly successful abusers are very dangerous. 🤔
I grew up in poverty with my chaotic drug addicted father who couldn’t keep a job and pay bills. I would visit my sober mother who owned a nice home, had a white collar stable job and did art and traveled the world and could afford anything she wanted. I “missed”she was a sociopath that left me with my father, blamed me, and never realized she was toxic until I was in my late 40’s. I kept missing bosses, friends, co workers, in-laws. If you weren’t drug addicted then that meant you were healthy and better than me and I was just lucky you let me be in your presence, have a particular job, or be in your family but not really want me there because I “knew” I was just a piece of trash that was barely tolerated while everyone else that looked like their life was together meant they were all good. Boy was I wrong!
This is similar to my experience. I’ve learned those people who “have their sh!t together” can actually be worse, because their dysfunction is so well masked. At least my family of origin had their mess out on the table for the community to see, so there were outsiders who could validate some of what I was experiencing. The family I married up into was so covert with their toxicity, everyone around them just praises them.
I grew up in a 'looks good on paper' family. At age 36 I finally figured out one my parents is a sociopath. I don't have the heart to tell my other two siblings (and they definitely haven't figured it out themselves) these past nine years that I've known it. I feel a kinship with you as an adult child of a sociopath. It's an experience and a half that if you haven't lived you can't possibly fathom.
I spent years making more of people being "nice" to me than I should have. It was really that they weren't outright hostile or otherwise horrible right away. I looked to bond with them on pretty scant information. Looking back, at best, we didn't have enough in common for more than casual connection. At worst, I spent years trying to force situations, settling, being angry that a connection wasn't different.
I also gravitated toward spiritual and wellness communities, assuming WAY TOO MUCH. I got involved way too quickly and expected way too much, often resulting in disappointment.
I was looking for connection and community, for someplace or someone to be "home." It took a lot for me to stop filtering through a trauma bias lens.
I am in a few communities now. I enjoy participating, yet am mindful to not make too much of any one thing. I can enjoy connecting, and take things at a slower pace than I used to.
The most mind-blown I ever was, was when one of my friends was discussing her journey with me, saying she only ever was happy & excited when someone liked her and wanted to be her friend, and tried really hard to be a great friend back, and never even considered whether she actually liked them or would have chosen them as a friend, she was so flattered to be picked. Samesies. Now I decide whether someone is good for me and worth my energy. No contact since 2017 with my malignant narcissist mom (coinciding w Hurricane Irma) & my brother, sister, and dad, have all passed away. All my unconditional love is gone. 😢
(((Random internet stranger Hugs))) I’m so sorry! And I get it. When unconditional love is rare, and the source dies the hole they leave behind feels earth shattering. Wishing you only the best from life,
🫂
What about your unconditional love for yourself?
My therapist and I were just talking about this - and how it may not always be super obvious like this.
My adoptive mom was incredibly verbally and psychologically abusive. From as early as I can remember I was constantly on edge, constantly afraid of being left somewhere / sold/ given back to foster care, and frequently told that I was damaged/ not wanted/ a disappointment. She was also very controlling and exacting, quick to action, and lacked any empathy. Only perfection and doing what SHE decided was an option. Fast forward and I’m 50, married for nearly 20 years, and complaining to my therapist about my husband’s lack of input and decision making regarding our elderly dog’s declining health & behavior (the vet recommended we put her to sleep 6 months ago). My therapist pointed out that I am now complaining about the very traits that once made him so attractive to me - he is easy going, always gives others the benefit of doubt, very slow to end any relationship or walk away from anyone, has tremendous empathy, and avoids confrontation or causing heartbreak/ pain. Great qualities in a human - especially for someone like me to marry!!!!! Unless you know that a hard, emotional decision must be made, and are feeling very alone in it. I love my husband for all those qualities, but I was blinded to any challenges they may present. He avoids causing pain, but also avoids feeling it. That means I often deal with the hard stuff (managing elderly parents’ care, my dad’s hospice time & passing, my brother’s death, our daughter’s mental health struggles, etc) with only moderate input and support. I don’t get an equal partner in making hard decisions - like when was it time to put our dog down. After an incident with her last weekend out our other dog’s safety at risk he acknowledged it was time. But I made the appointment. And I took her yesterday alone. I held her and talked to her until the end, and she passed with her sweet head in the palm of my hand. And I walked to the car and sobbed alone. My husband is a kind and loving person. But like everyone, he has traits that are hard to deal with as a partner sometimes, and I was blind to those areas for a long time. I don’t know if I have a point in writing this out…. Maybe just therapeutic for me. But also as a viewpoint that this bias can also occur on a more subtle level because the ‘biases lens’ is on everything.
The kicker? He grew up in utter poverty in a hoarding situation. I keep a very clean house. I owned my own small home when we met, had a job, and lived on a budget. He loved that about me when we met. The stability. That I’m a planner, and financially a saver. Now it’s ‘annoying’, ‘controlling’, and ‘mothering’, And he may be right. I bear the scars from my childhood, as does he. I’m just glad neither one’s scars are a serious personality disorder or abusive in any way.
this was extremely relatable. Sorry about your pup ❤ I am 45 and been with my husband 29 years now. It's mostly lovely but there's a tendency towards exactly what you are talking about. He doesn't make me regulate his moods, but he doesn't help much with things like you are talking about. I've done a LOT of emotional labor of family life alone. He works from home now and that has gotten better. I am far from perfect myself and am bad with money. These are probably his triggers about me and they are fair. ❤ Here's to continuing to put down our baggage
@@FoxRogers ‘emotional labor of family life’. What a great way to say that!
@@lynn2574 ty for sharing your very relatable story. I've said my & my now ex's issues didn't mix well 🤔
@lynn2574 it was my husband who first framed it that way 😜 he is aware and makes conscious efforts to negate it but often doesn't have the spoons. I find myself going into negative spoons to make sure I come up with it, but part of my need to do so stems from CPTSD from my own childhood, so it's extremely important for me to meet my family needs that were not met for myself growing up. I'm in therapy to try and take better care of myself, too. I have started to understand that doing the opposite of what happened to me isn't really the healthy balance way 😅 But intellectually understanding that and changing my feelings and behavior about it are very different things 😜
There’s the other side of the coin here with me. There are people that will exhibit some kind of behavior that reminds me of my mother and it’s difficult for me not to jump to the conclusion that they are toxic. Toxic is a pattern, not a single characteristic.
Same. Kept believing my partner was a toxic controlling narc like my mom.
While he’s not perfect, he’s also not the monster I was projecting and I can feel safe.
@@RainbowSunshineRain it took me ages to readily trust that my now husband’s normal human flaws where just that and not purposeful malicious actions designed to hurt me.
Yes, exactly, I oscillate between this and falling for toxic bs 😢
Exactly. I actually thought that's what he was doing to talk about.
@@northwest1760I had a friend who was married to an abusive man. I was hanging out with her and gently bopped with a used Christmas wrapping tube, and she claimed that I was establishing dominance over her. I wanted to laugh and cry.
This is a great topic for a full length video FOR SURE!!!!
I grew up with an abusive mother and I actually tend to just avoid woman friends, because I can’t tell if I’m befriending somebody who’s toxic again or not and I can’t afford, emotionally, to take that risk. My mother is a narcissist, so everything had to be about her, and her life, and her emotions, and no matter what I did she wouldn’t care even a little bit. The only woman friends I have are my two sisters, one of which was unfortunate enough to live with my mother in that same situation. And I think she and myself bonded like contact glue because of it
oh your mom too?
@@reneelibby4885 seems they’re more common than I realised 💀
My mom three. I often wonder what I would be if I had actually had a mother who was a real mother.
@@courtneylegaloff3851 I wonder as well. But I try not to dwell too much on it. Not a thing we can change. We can only work on ourselves as we are .
@@courtneylegaloff3851 hard to admit, but I think about that often too
I was oddly enough raised to not hold men to any high standard bc they won't reach them but to enable them at the same time and take whatever low bar they will give me. Very confusing and very strange.
I’m distancing myself from everyone that tends to get close. And I feel lonely and miss connection.
Was raised neglected and isolated, but also in violence.
so I feel very unsafe around people and get scared by “nice” people, don’t know how to behave around healthy situations.
EXACTLY
Passive aggression and mind f-ing in general. Instant battle mode.
i had no examples of healthy love in my childhood. because of this, i was the victim of grooming on several occasions. my first kiss, i was 15 and he was 22. not only was i the victim of grooming and abusive relationships, but now as an adult in college, i struggle greatly with being able to set expectations in my personal relationships. because all of the relationships i’ve been in have been so rough and toxic, when one seems decent by any means, i ignore any red flags.
People who actually showed unfettered interest in me 🤪 it would make me so heart happy to be wanted that I'd be blind to a lot
Yeah, it’s hard not to be fooled by surface things that camouflage a narcissist.
My trauma has made me suspicious of everything. 😂
I never feel more called out than when I watch your videos. Thanks for breaking the hard truth, Patrick!
Such a nugget of wisdom. I definitely have this pattern. It's funny too how you describe the initial reaction we have like oh hey, this is a quality person because of XYZ, and we don't notice their actual character. Or really just completely ignore who/what they actually are like.
I literally just had a bad experience with a toxic yoga instructor!!!!
How about a therapist who you idealized but turns out to be a toxic person.
I’ve been there 😭 it’s so painful.
Harder than usual not to wonder, what the h*** is wrong with me? A painful realization for sure!
Honestly, I initially thought you were going in the opposite direction with this; that we are TOO hypervigilant or negative or cautious, and we see threats and toxic behaviors where there may be none… and I was about to feel a bit invalidated and disappointed.
Becasue I’m a disabled childhood trauma survivor, (actually still experiencing constant trauma due to my multiply marginalized status) with autism, CPTSD, anxiety, and possibly OCD, so I pick up on patterns and intentions very quickly.
I am now so isolated and don’t have friends or family bc I am surrounded by toxic unhealthy people who are a threat to me and would cause me harm, so I stay away from everyone, and don’t trust anyone.
And this isn’t just me being paranoid, this has been proven to me over and over after having the initial negative gut reaction, and then cautiously waiting to see if it’s correct or not, and being proven right pretty much every time.
And it still makes me feel like the crazy one, bc everyone else in the world isn’t like this, and they don’t see the red flags that I do, and think I’m just a judgmental asshole or overreacting, yet when the truth eventually does come out, no one ever remembers that I was the first one to feel like something was off.
I am the opposite of what you describe in the video and I am alone in the world bc of it.
No one actually feels safe for you if you’re multiply marginalized.
Great advice.
I’ve been told I have a “terrible sense of character” when it comes to friends. 🎉
It's called a crapfit by the crappy childhood fairy.❤
me too
This didn't help my ten year relationship. Also, in the black community many people who have a good profession can have toxic traits. We are taught to live with them, especially the woman but not excluding the men, and overlook this for survival purposes. Thanks for helping me see this😊
Ha! Called me out😂 I'm homeless but I'll take that any day over the sociopathic narcissistic yoga teacher who seemed to have it all together (maybe not the super clean house- just a big house so the mess was spread out😅) whom I escaped. I have a community support team working to help find me housing now.
Yes - absolutely correct
Hope you find a place soon. No sociopaths allowed. 😉
Still figuring this out. I have accepted that I suck at people & socializing… 😳 which makes connections very difficult.
Me too❤
I am attending to the RRP support groups and it helps a lot.
For the first time in my life I felt I could be myself even with my awkward weird self, with no social skills, and still get accepted. I can learn the skills now.
great information, must learn to see people for who they are and not what we want them to be, we are blinded by our narcissistic abuse from our past, thanks
I wish i had known my trauma biases in my 20s. But then i wouldn't have my beautiful son and friends
I get the yoga instructor so much.
Trauma bias yes it sounds about right. At the ripe age of 49 still find it hard to connect with women because of my mother wound. I was abandoned by my birth mother and my stepmother mistreated me. But then I found out her mother was an alcoholic and mistreated her.
I grew up in chaos, with insecure parents who I had to tiptoe around. And I met someone recently who is bold, brash and cheerful (egotistical, selfish and smug). I’m so attracted to them and jealous of their life.
My trauma bias is expecting this video to tell me I need to stop punishing people by projecting my past trauma on to them. So nice the video had a different message.
Thank you, very helpful! I've been infatuated by all kinds of versions of "seems to have a good self esteem" from egotistical people to full blown narcissists. It's like I just want some of that magic juice that makes you love yourself. Ugh...
Super super helpful as I’m desperately trying to stop repeating painful friendshipfriendship patterns !!
So perceptive! Yes. Made that mistake many times, too. Of course it took me a long time to learn that I was still letting the wrong people in all because of superficial reasons. Thanks, Patrick!
and to make things more complicated
when you meet an ACTUAL healthy person you run away from them
This is so relatable 😢😮😢😮
Low key, I befriended a dancer who was going to school to be a psychiatrist. She said she could model good nurturing if I wanted that. She also labeled me that Munchesters (sp?)syndrome. Do not go there. 😢
Are you talking about Munchausen syndrome (also known as factitious disorder)?
If you mean Münchhausen by proxy, this involves your kids, whom you make deliberately sick or tell medical people that your kid is sick though they're not to gain pitty and admiration.
Great term! I use the "lenses analogy" with clients all the time - it will be nice to have a term to refer to.
Story of my life! Wow. This makes so much sense now.
This is interesting. Could you do a more in-depth video on this topic, please?
Wat if they always , every person you’ve gotten close to, has shown themselves to be a narcissist sociopath etc even when you tried to look past that bias and give them a chance. It’s maddening
Dammit, you're reading my mind again.
Very valid point
Really grateful
I appreciate you Patrick ❤️❗
Good point. Very true.
Wow very insightful piece here cause that is such a common problem and so hard to avoid.
There's also the inverse trauma bias of building cases against perfectly innocent albeit perhaps suffering from foot-in-mouth disease (perhaps due to trauma & neurodivergence on their part) people and Anosognosia when it comes to that. Keep it unchecked long enough and tada they become abusers themselves.
that was perfectly what I needed thank you very much
This is very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you. AGAIN.
I got attached too quickly, he wasn't who he seemed. I dont want to move on, but I am. Hes triggering me. Deliberate on his part or my wounded inner child reacting badly ? Doesnt matter. We aren't good for me. Thats what Im going by.
Thank you 🙏
Thank you
Would love to see a more in depth video about this, I’m intrigued but still feel like I need more of an explanation/examples.
"Toxic person who just so happened to be good at yoga"
Filing that one away for later.
I have the opposite problem tbh. My trauma bias makes me question and distrust everyone and think they are a bad person.
Yup! 100% true. ❤
True. Never extrapolate goodness in one area to their entire being and color even their neutral and bad aspects with that 1 shining quality.
People have to behave in different structures based on their role. They can't be bad professionally but do have leeway to be bad with family. They have to be submissive to authority but can be power abuser towards dependents.
And trauma in whichever area if it gets fulfilled positively in other person, it's like water to a thirsty person who has been scammed for water. But this makes trauma kid to even extrapolate droplets thinking it is an ocean eg breadcrumbing love. And view even areas of deserts mistaking it as something that must have water hidden inside.
Nopes. It exactly how it is visible. Hold your emotions and just apply cutting interact
So true!!
I survived a childhood very similar to yours and today I had an insight as to why I can’t open mail or read texts. I realized that I retreat from contact that is unfriendly or terse or downright unfair because actually, I’m angry. And I repress it. I must have learned that from childhood. Do you have any insights into this phenomenon? Thank you for all you do. Thank you very much.
For me it was narcissists. Only just worked out that my father was, that abused my mother, but it was all behind closed doors.
Trouble is, I'm still attracting entitled, narcissistic men. I suss them out a lot faster now, but I've no idea how to get out of this loop!
resonates.
Relatable content
Can we reframe the question to "What isn't your trauma bias?" so I don't feel so confronted?🙃
I’d call that trauma-induced blindness.
Where do you think this trauma biased lense comes from? It seems a bit high concept so I'm struggling to place it on the map. Is it like a symptom of being dysregulated? What is being distorted by this lense to miss someone being a sociopath?
I think it's more that we focus on the things that were a huge deal for us growing up, and then miss other things that we would have seen if it weren't for that focus.
Like in my case, I was so neglected by my parents that I was so thrilled to meet someone who actually wanted to spend time with me and wanted to be with me. He wanted to go everywhere with me, even to the grocery store. I saw that as devotion and companionship when really it was just controlling because he wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating on him. I also bypassed the red flags about him being fired from his job and sleeping on his friends couch. I was just so desperate for love and attention that I was willing to accept it from an unhealthy person.
So it's usually whatever we were missing or whatever was the most wrong. We would accept someone who is *not that thing* even though they have other red flags, because that's the one thing we know to look out for.
It's really because we don't have a good overall picture of what's healthy so we don't know how to look at everything as a whole, we only know how to look at *that one thing*.
Ah thanks! Now it makes sense - laser focus on getting the unmet needs met and ignoring anything around that by accident in the process!
Exactly!
After seeing how disordered the yoga instructors were at my old gym, and knowing my wife's psycho ex was also a yoga instructor, I'm very wary of them now. At best it's just a gateway to MLM's.
Some pretty oddly specific examples - just hoping you got rid of that yogi sociopath with a clean apartment 😅
What if my trauma bias is that everyone is unsafe and toxic for my well being and no one is trustworthy and I'm in constant danger?
It’s already too late
Almost as if everybody is screwed up
Definitely would give the best of myself to anyone that tolerated me :/
Personally, I have always been rather suspicious of guys who's homes are too clean and well organized. What are they trying to cover up for?
Sorry, bad joke, couldn't resist.
I know that I am overly cautious, but I am also a kind, gregarious person with my fellow humans for the most part. Growing up in a Residential School and the Foster Care System, not to mention the time I spent in my abusive bio-mothers' house taught me quite a lot about dealing with others. Positive and negative. My world has never been black or white, not by a long shot. 🤷🏽🇨🇦
What happens when you see it, but do it anyway?
Awww geez. I was sitting in a good place for a second...😂
Then bam. Another doozy. Ok. Next complex issue step right up! 😂🤬🤦
god bless you always patrick
Ouch
Is it possible to make a video for how shrink inner critics
Also, Sociopaths gonna Sociopath. 😳
You shouldn’t throw around the term sociopath or psychopath. By definition, psychopaths can’t feel emotions and they copy the emotions of others and are usually psychotic. Sociopaths however are pure evil and know what they’re feeling and doing. The term you are looking for is narcissistic. I grew up in a toxic environment surrounded by narcissists so I would know. It isn’t true that people with clean homes are sociopaths. That’s ridiculous. Most bad people I know have messy homes. Good people have clean homes typically and to call trauma survivors sociopaths is insensitive and incorrect and highly ignorant and abelist. Trauma victims are NOT sociopaths. Most of us have empathy for others because of what we went through and we are in real pain so you’re ignorant calling all of us sociopaths.
The common label nowadays for childhood truama survivor is narcisist. How nice... And you know what further? They say: if you come across the narcisist RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Now... Lets look at the statistics about percentage of society who DID NOT experienced any kind of childhood trauma... So is 95% of society narcisistic? Yeup.we all have collection of wounds which lead to developing some adaptive survival strategies which neded to be narcisistic otherwise we would not survive. Running away grom narcisist is like runing away from yourself.
My father was a malignant psychopathic narcissist & my mom was a covert vulnerable one 🤦♀️ so we children had a snowball’s chance in hell of forming healthy attachments without ❤️🩹