6 Lies From Childhood Trauma
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- Опубліковано 22 тра 2024
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Here are 6 lies that originate in childhood trauma. Think about them as beliefs that keep us stuck. As always, many things are true at the same time. Some of these lies can be reality in the present, but that is not the point. The point is really examining our values and our beliefs for answers.
In this video we cover: recovery, therapy session, consistency, THERAPY, EMDR, IFS, EFT, Somatic, tools, hacks, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, codependency, healthy parenting
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:43 Connect With Me
1:18 Discretion Advised
1:26 #6 The Real You Isn't Acceptable
6:04 #5 Good Things Won't Last
12:11 #4 You Are Not Enough
18:38 #3 The Sexual You is Bad / Sex is Bad
25:15 #2 People Don't Want to Know You
30:14 #1 Love Isn't Real
35:47 Final Thoughts
37:45 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Children are also humans. I wish adults would THINK before they have children. Seems like hardly anyone does. It's just "oh I want one" and not knowing what it takes to be nurturing beyond food and shelter.
Great point!! Children being dehumanized is a humongous problem 💔
Mother wanted children but she didn't want to raise them
Some don't even think about the food and shelter part. You need a license/education to do almost anything in the US, except BRINGING ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
A lot of people don't even think. They just keep having kids because they don't use protection and end up with a ton of kids that they hate, it's unfortunate.
Problem is, when adults start thinking, they stop having any. And the countries where children are more and more rare become strongly intolerant towards children's needs.
Example: Italy since the 2000s.
They will tell you they love you. Then they will rage and call you the most terrible things. The child's brain believes the terrible things.
and then you find a partner like that, who will call you an r-slur bitch but say you are the most important thing in their world, notice how I said THING
Then they wonder why everytime they tell u something, u only hold on to the negative part of watever they said n try to tell u that you're the one harboring negativity. Like bruh...u made me that way.
Or public declarations of love followed by being ignored.
They back up the negative things they say, but not backup the good things they say and that's why.
@@user-jf4xi4tv3q damn!!! I didnt think of it this way🤔🤔
I am a childfree woman. All my life I was getting sex-shaming messages from my mother, that I must not have sex, I should not get pregnant. She didn't let me use tampons. She could not discuss anything on the topic of sexuality and womanhood without cringe. Then all of a sudden she tells me: " I want to be a grandmother!". I am like, how does it work in your head? I was shoked by the "I" statement. Like "I want you to sacrifice your body for my ego boost".
Maybe your mum is Asian.
I'm a 50yo child free male with practically the same story, which makes me feel extra gross and weird. Mom finally killed herself this past March after I spent 50 years taking care of her. Cut me out of the will because i wouldn't sleep with her. Not trying to 1 up you, it's just painful still. She made the 2 women I brought home feel badly, never again
@@GeorgeousGeorgeousGeorge what you described is horrible, why would any mother ask her son to do that? It makes me so angry. Sending you virtual hugs.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I have two grown daughters and I couldn't imagine doing that to either one of my girls. You are whole, you are seen & heard. Big hugs
Namaste 🙏
@@gypsyfiresign1064 thank you for your kind words ❤️ It's first time ever someone told me namaste, this word is magnificent, I am literally crying.
My mom would gaslight me and always say “You’ll know when you have your own kids”..and thats exactly what happened, I realized all the abuse I had to put up with as a kid.
Wowq
bingo. i feel the same and think the same. i am 100% better parent and mother than her.
My mom said the same thing and was gaslighting me too. she is one of those people that everyone likes so they don’t see that side of her. God I didn’t know how much emotional abuse that I had till I asked other people about their parents.
@@antoniotolentino8108I used to think the physical turned emotional abuse was normal behavior but when I got into a relationship that really changed my perspective on everything. All the pain that my parents had caused. The reason the physical abuse turned emotional is because I got physically stronger as i got older and my mom developed a fear that I may kill her ( strange asf I know right ?)
My mom said the same things to me and is now crying about grandchildren and wondering why I don’t want kids. Um, maybe because you made me feel like I was the child of satan and that anything I produce would be worse…
As a hispanic I really wish that a lot of things considered abuse are labeled "part of our culture." I love my family but I every day I realize how badly this has hurt me. So many parts of this were relatable. Culture is not an excuse to abuse your family.
I’m not Hispanic but I agree. My best friend is an immigrant from Mexico. I was telling her about how I was hit over the head with a broom as a child (the plastic part that held the bristles cut my head open), and it was traumatic for me. (Triggered trichotillomania, for one.) My bestie laughed and said she was raised where hitting kids with brooms was normal! She said she realized as a younger parent that she didn’t want to raise her kids the same way she was raised, and actually went to parental counseling to learn better ways of disciplining her children.
I say this all the time you CANNOT use culture or tradition as an excuse to do some fuck sh!t
It isn't a damn excuse
thank you bro, sm shit that we grew up with is so normalized ??? like i deadass grew up thinking emotional and verbal neglect was normal. And not to mention whenever there is a “creepy” family member yknow what i mean? like that one weird pedo uncle, it’s just brushed off like it’s nothing cause “they’re family”. it’s disgusting. and sad.
Wow! This is so true and painful.
My boyfriend is Mexican and I even witness the everyday abuse that you are speaking of when I see him. Hell I’m German and I come from a heavily abusive background.
Im constantly afraid that I will be punished if anything good happens to me. Im always living in a mode of fear and scarcity
I was raised with the same beliefs, it’s been hard to overcome.
Good things are supposed to happen to you.
People always told me that no good deed goes unpunished. It took until 3 years ago to hear the expression properly as "unrewarded," so I understand completely.
ah yes, the fuckening
defined by ''things can not possibly go that well, surely the universe is up to no good to balance this''
the fuckening is always lurking
Good God, I thought I was the only one who believes this. Kinda sad but also kinda relieved. I feel like life isn't ALLOWED to be too good for too long and if something good happens I immediately wait for the bad to come, or kinda self sabotage so I don't have to face something worse in the future. Dang.
Intellectually I'm quite bright, emotionally I'm a quiet 8 year old. I cry when I watch these videos, not sobbing it's a cleansing cry. The kind of cry, you don't realize is happening, until the tears are running down your face, neck and then drop. I'm 55 and the last 1.5 years have been the most emotionally healthy I've ever been. Thank you Mr. Patrick and people like you in the comments.
Sending you love! 💜💚❤️
Shit man
Soo it's helped you ?
I had that happen lately
That type of emotion wasn't encouraged growing up
i haven't any worry of anyone else seeing it. I spend quite a bit of time with a Rhodesian and a Redbone coon hound they genuinely love and care about me
The hound will come up and rub her face on mine she's got more love in her than most of the people that I thought loved me put together seems like about anything will cause it I don't really enjoy it
But if yall say it'll help lift this black cloud surrounding me ill go with it when I can
I have absolute intentions on living however I believe I will welcome graduating from this realm especially if it were to protect someone I've caused trauma I still very much love and miss dearly
Big hugs and this is wonderful to read 💓
@@lgd4247 the one who hangs around me i reckon is only part Rhodesian he's lighter and smaller than the small African Rhodesian
Only other male I've seen match his grit and drive was a thw named ebonys time around he was runner up in 1986 for wgc
Had a hot wire around his stall and a Shepard hook hung on the wall next to Jim door most people wouldn't dream of opening that door I was 11 or 12 id go down fetch him out and lead him up to the cross ties he never actually made action to hurt me he'd act like he was
I believe he wanted to see fear in me like everyone else often wonder how many times he'd been cycled back to this realm he had an intelligence more sentient any other
I'm also intellectually bright but get non verbal basically now. I'm 34 and the pain hasn't stopped. People haven't stopped being evil
"Parents who should have divorced" hits hard, glad you expressed it alongside harmful divorces.
My parents divorced but I'll take it a step further and say parents who should've never met. I still believe my mom should've aborted me to save herself the misery of being stuck with my dad for all these years, even after divorce. She never got to find herself and just be happy and because of that i have suffered. I suffered because of both my parents for different reasons.
I begged my mother to divorce my abusive father, she couldn't, financially.
I wish she would have found a way. 😢
I was the kid who desperately wanted my parents to divorce. I fantasized about having two separate houses to go to where I wouldn’t be in the middle of all the fighting and I could go to my parents for stuff and get what I wanted from each one. Like getting toys from my dad and getting less yelling from my mom.
I wished and encouraged my mom to divorce my dad. When she finally told him, we were so scared that we were waiting with our jackets on, car running and packed, ready to run as far as we could. We never needed to run, but I'm sure that paints a good picture of how my family was when I was younger 😅
Same thing I’m going through now except they were never married 🤣🤣😭 and now she’s suprised that I am in a toxic relationship myself and says that I need therapy. I can’t believe she thinks this all started with me
"Parents that expressed love to you, but didn't back it up with loving behaviors"
😪😪😪😔
Powerful description clarifying my confusion. Thanks.
Thanks. I need that.
This is a big one for me. Happened with both my parents and I am 54 and went No Contact and have realized I am not even sure what “love” is.
Holy fuck that hits hard
“The real you isn’t acceptable”
I have difficulty being myself or saying what I want to people, even just to waiter or hairdresser.
me too. even little things. like my friend handing me her phone to play ‘my music’ in her car, or when i’m asked to decide on something like a movie, what i want to eat. i never say what i really want because for some reason i’m afraid or almost embarrassed of my answers? like some will reject me for playing a song i like or something that insignificant. it’s tiring
been there. it gets better, i swear. it takes effort and time but it's totally, 100% worth it.
me too, omg... I feel that I'm too much of a bother to literally anyone around. To even ask for the minimum I feel is a crime that I am committing...
✋🏻 Same Here!
My nail tech guy (salon owner) is super fast and didn’t hurt me at first. One day I had to pull back several times because he was cutting me . He said I was too sensitive and I move around too much. This wasn’t true. When I got home I had five bleeding cuticles and took pictures in case they got infected. When I went back (why do we keep going back?!) Gave him another chance, he was more careful for awhile, then started cutting me again. I complained; same conversation. He lacks empathy, can’t admit he makes mistakes, or say sorry. I am never going back. It took some therapy to make a stand like this.
“Children are to be seen, not heard.” My parents always did that, it made me learn to not voice my thoughts and feelings and to just hide in the corner. I’m almost 20 right now and most of my family still treats me like that, like my feelings and opinions don’t matter, unless I agree with them of course.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. My parental units still do this and I'm almost 33. I've had to learn how to navigate their guilt-responses and limit our interactions as an adult because one of them still cannot fathom that I am an adult and not a child they can manipulate emotionally. I've given up on getting accountability from them and am focusing on ensuring I follow through with consequences when they break established boundaries. I hope you are able to find a way to thrive and find your voice soon.
20 too. Think might move out and NC within this year.
I feel that..
I heard the “children should be seen and not heard” in high school!!! At a family gathering!!!!
My parents had 5 children in less than 8 years and I am the oldest. I was changing cloth nappies just before my 6th birthday. I was a very capable child but when my mother left our father my world came tumbling down. She moved herself and us then 5 children in with her parents and her mother was a very controlling person. My mother then expected me to be a child at the age of 13 despite the outrageous responsibilities she imposed on me as a little girl. I loathe to admit this but I carry a deep-seated hate for the woman. Never had a chance from the gate.
When Patrick said "can you imagine that wonderful child being not enough" it really clicked. I recognized I had the subconscious idea that I can be safe in my job and relationship only if I'm nearly perfect. But it's obviously wrong. Most people are imperfect but still can survive - so can I. The mere fact that I'm living and experiencing life is wonderful; it's enough. Thank you, Patrick❤
Taking antidepressants helps 10000%. 😊
That too. No grades were high enough. Got a 90? Why not a 96. Got a 96? Why not a 99. No matter what - TRY HARDER. Even with shit that didn't even matter. Don't talk back. Do what yer told without question. Hurry up. BE better. And, think about other people's feelings, but fuck yours.
I am convinced that 90% of the problems in society originated in the HOMES; abuse of whatever form, is a torch that is passed from one generation to another; the only way to brake the cycle is to learn WHY we do and feel the way we do, and WHO we modeled ourselves after; and WHAT was the suspected goal to be achieved; HOW was the pattern established and WHERE of course, is the HOMES!!!
I agree. Multigenerational trauma is real. If you've not heard about Gabor Maté, his work affirms your statement. I think it will resonate with you (it's very healing too). UA-cam offers a ton of his lectures and interviews.
It's sad that abuse still often isn't taken that seriously (in my experience at least). People just nonchalantly say "well that sucks," "oh me too," "it's just tough love," "no parent is perfect. they're doing their best" etc. Even if you call CPS, they don't really do anything impactful unless someone's about to die from physical abuse...
@@naritruwireve1381 :'/ yes, I agree
Also the negetion about trauma, my mother said to me like, oh but have never suffered (because of monetary and comodities that they hadn't....) But I got into stuff that they just omitted, and it was sad to hear that from her...
I love this I agree 100%
THIS.
"close your eyes and ask your inner child who you are"
i don't even know who i am with my eyes open
😂💜
Same 😥
this is so sad that it's funny 😂
I'm too scared to even do it
I did it:
She told me I was a tired princess who wanted to on knightly adventures, leaving behind my castle and princess.
But couldn't.
I guess I feel Trapped..?
I dont know what else it could mean.
The sexual one hit close. I was molested around the age of 6 and instead of getting adequate help for it, I was mocked and shamed, made to find my own responsibility in it (even as adult in therapy) etc.
No one DESERVES to have their innocence STOLEN .. period. I'm sorry you were put through that. You are a part of creation, worthy of love, respect and dignity. Keep talking. It may take a while, but with supportive friends and a loving, patient partner to make some better memories healing is possible.
I’m sorry ❤
I only realised this about myself fairly recently. I was a bit older than you, but buried it in my subconscious for years, and since have slowly been working things out.
Had two 'proper' relationships, one lasting most of my adult life, which broke down during the recall phase. Can't imagine having one night stands, nothing wrong with it, just not for me.
The self loathing and issue comes from the fact that it was a male that abused me, and I'm a male too, although heterosexual.
I think I associate with my abuser because of this, and worry that unless a potential partner approaches me first , I'll never know that they know my intentions are genuine, and it's definitely consensual, if that makes sense. It's made things difficult, considering males are/have been expected to make most of the running in the culture I live in, and not doing so is usually interpreted as non interest.
I don't consider this to be the worst scenario however, which helps me when I'm mindful of it. It might have added complications if I was homosexual, and I've spoken to many women abused by men and I think at least two have said they've not been able to enjoy any sex life at all because of what happened to them.
@@jimb9063it can certainly be a challenge. Up until I started having a few experiences with good friends I've known and trusted for years I was calling myself "damaged goods" .. believing that I would never heal and no one would want me. I had a friend who felt the same way and so we ended up hooking up.
I had a real visceral fear of being abandoned since every time I managed to make new friends my mom would move on to a new boyfriend and we had to move. Couple that with my first sexual experience at 7 being with a 12 year old who mentally and emotionally tortured me for half a weekend, followed by holding me intimately like he desired me? Being held like that was even better than the sex, it was like a switch flipped and I just knew *that's* what I wanted. But no "adult" ever had done any of those things and it set up a nasty conflict in my mind.
So anyway, having positive, happy, consensual sexual experiences as an adult with one or two folks I've known and trusted for years is slowly replacing those crappy memories from my childhood.
It also helps that things are not just focused on the act, we are affectionate with each other, we share massage, we genuinely care what happens in each other's lives, it's not too much just to ask to be held .. any partner who has been through loneliness can hopefully relate to that.
I've never really cared what was between people's legs .. ever since I was young I just wanted to love people anyway.
For me it was never *just* the sex .. after being abused I just couldn't see trying to use someone or see myself in a dominant role after witnessing other men treat women poorly.. I have to feel a deep connection or it doesn't seem worth it. (Even though to a certain extent we are ALL using each other during sex to help each other feel good).
I am sometimes more aggressive but it's always in the context of watching feedback from my partner .. if they show any hesitation at all I ask or change what I am doing. I've even held their hand depending on what I'm doing which is a good indicator if someone is actively interested or frozen in trauma since I'm not the only one who has been though rough times growing up.
It's made me relatively happy .. to finally get to be close to people, to hold them and nuzzle them and care for them and share pleasure. I know that I AM desired and I am capable of healing. It just takes a bit more patience and the ability to be honest. When I was finally able to have others bear witness to what I went through, that seemed to be a turning point.
You are not alone .. in a room of 6 people at least one of them has experienced trust issues or abuse around sex and/or relationships. It IS possible to heal 🙏❤️
Oh geesh, I think I scared y'all off .. I'm sorry your first experiences weren't good, but no one should be ashamed of wanting to feel good and wanting to share with someone else .. Now you have a better understanding of who you are, hopefully a better sense of control and what you want out of life you can have more positive experiences. "I am not what happened to me, I am who I choose to become."
I share a lot because I hate the way society treats sex as taboo. If we don't at least acknowledge it that can enable all sorts of bad behaviors. Everyone has to learn somehow, I just hope those first experiences can be as positive as possible and folks don't feel taken advantage of.
Most powerful quote ever on the origins of worthlessness:
“A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience. She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious or otherwise ill suited to the task, and she is all alone in this scary world, or that she herself is to blame for, well, everything. As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option, is not an option at all. Better to believe, “it’s my fault, I’m bad”, which lets you believe theres the chance that “if I work hard and be good I will be lovable.” Thus even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnosis and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.”
~Dr. Gabor Mate from the book The Myth of Normal
all the signs and timestamps!
#6 1:27 "The real you isn't acceptable."
#5 6:04 "Good things won't last."
#4 12:10 "You are not enough."
#3 18:39 "The sexual you is bad/sex is bad."
#2 25:16 "People don't want to know you."
#1 30:14 "Love isn't real."
got dam thanks for the likes /gen
thank you! 🙏🏻
Lol alot of these things are very logical though and make sense. 1. The real you isn't acceptable - alot of people in this life and society won't accept the real us throughout life they prefer to control us and us to be having same opinions, same thoughts and want to take away our individuality. 2. Good things won't last - yes, they don't, neither do bad things lol, nothing in this world is permanent ♾ and forever. Sadness and happiness are not gonna last forever and people in our lives don't last in it forever either. Friendships, relationships, marriages, are clearly not lasting forever unless people are controlled well and lying well or having something in it for them they don't want to give up on at all costs. Ppl can die even. We also don't last forever. Cheers ;>🥂 3. You are not enough - actually that's true 💯, you cannot be enough surrounded by narcissistic and selfish people. 🌚 You can never be good enough for them no matter how hard you try to be perfect 👌🏻 for them. 😅 Alot of times you can't be good enough for a certain job or a degree or a career. ;} Sometimes you're not even good enough for yourself and your own wishes. 🤷🏻♀️ 4. The sexual you is bad/sex is bad - that's true 💯 in many circumstances! Alot of times people are using others for gaining sexual experiences while lying to them that their connection is alot more than just that. 👁️ 👄 👁️ 👍🏻Also sex can lead to various of bad consequences! Unwanted pregnancies, diseases, total regret, being used, sexual abuse, sexual pressure, uti, pain, bad decisions, infections, loosing yourself in places and relationships you shouldn't be in. 🤷🏻♀️ 5. People don't want to know you? It can be true 💯 can be not. Depending on the people you're interacting with. Most people need to know you to understand how to use you well and take advantage of being in your presence! 😉 Some need to partly know you when you're applying for a job or a study while others just for fun, gossip, boredom etc or cause they need new friends. 🌚 Some get to know you even tho they don't even care about you fr. So yeah that's not entirely true. Ppl wanna get to know you but most of them not for the right reason you think. ;} 6. Love isn't real - now this one is totally true 🗿 bc we all know that unconditional love doesn't exist. There are always reasons 🌚 why people are gathering together, dating, getting in rs etc.. You can say welp but love doesn't have to be unconditional. But take away the conditions and there will be no "love" anymore. ;} Science and biology shown us what we call "love" actually is. It is basically a hormonal drug combined with reasons. The reasons can be very valid btw. That doesn't mean what humans call "love" can't be accepted. ™ It can and is pretty accepted. Just everyone should make a decision themselves whatever they want this or not. 🗿If they wanna take that risk and drown in that sweet delusional fantasy or prefer to stay sane and free. ;>🥂 (nobody has to agree with me at all im just sharing my personal knowledge here thanks to the internet lol) have a great day 👍🏻
Thank you!
Thanks
@@spookywitch0x0 I'm sending you the biggest biggest hug xxx
I, a grown ass 30 yr old man, started crying half way through. Inside I'm still a teenager trying to fix my depressed, suicidal mother. I've been trying to "fix" every woman I've ever been in a relationship with as a proxy for my mom. I've never understood this about myself.
31 here and right there with you, fella. Effectively a 1:1 predicament. It's so entrenched that I rarely even register attraction to women who appear to be without psychological dysfunction. The kicker is that when you're drawn to fixing someone, every relationship is neccesarily broken from the start. For now I've (somewhat sombrely) settled into not acting on that sense of intimate allure when it crops up to spare myself the cycle. While I incidentally learned a lot by the end, my 20s went to waste so I could cling to that hope for attaining repair.
Oh damn! That sucks, but makes PERFECT sense. If it helps, many women have some form of Daddy Issues going on. (Positive OR Negative.). I expect that really makes it hard to spot.
@@stompinknowledge3968 it’s natural to recreate trauma in order to try and resolve it. You knowing that IS the solution. So you’re already where you want to be ☺️ even though I don’t need fixing, I still need a partner for other reasons. So know that even women who don’t *need* you will still “need” you. Don’t worry ♥️
It is a good thing whenever we can cry all of that poison out of us, the first time is the hardest yet there seems to be no healing until we do.
@@stompinknowledge3968
Dude, consider yourself lucky. At least you got to experience things; I was 29 when I had my first kiss. The damage done to me was THAT BAD.
I don’t love my mother or father. Apparently this is shameful. What do you want me to do? Pretend that I love them? I don’t.
My aunt's and such would also try this. Or try to flip the script "you should forgive them" "you should look inside yourself" "be more Christian" "why are you so angry"
And they'd go off about "how I was angry and not controlling myself", as third parties, when I'd literally not done anything and it was my abusive mother or her kids doing non-sense while I was bewildered, like what are you talking about?
And they'd go on and on to try to manipulate me and restart the cycle of abuse.
My mom says this about my emotionally abusive older brother, he's broken her things and he smokes weed and drinks all the time and trashes her house and she just lets him do whatever he wants. I still have a broken mirror and door because I blocked his number and all she asked me was to unblock his number so I've been beyond betrayed by own mother and I don't love my brother because he's not changing and I accept that.
My mother said with great contempt "I hope you have a kid just like you!" Thanks, Mom. I did.
Both my mother and father were disappointed as I refused to make their mistakes. Tough on them 😂😂😂
I did as well (in some ways harder as she has ASD and I have ADHD). But I refuse to pass on my demons to the greatest extent possible, though I’m sure I have done damage just by not learning about this stuff much sooner.
Yes and Amen 🙏 my son is all me and he is amazing.
With your response, I presume your child is an amazing person
Tell her, " well, as long as I'm not like you, having a child like me is not a problem at all ❤❤❤❤"
When I tried to talk to my mother about my abuse, she said this almost word for word: “are you sure this isn’t something You’ve invented to be anxious about?”
Like wow, she summed up everything I know about her in just one sentence. Neglect, denial, gaslighting. All hallmarks of her parenting style.
OMG yes!
I am so sorry. I ACHE for you. God bless You, Dear One. 😘🙏🏼🕊
This made me tear up 😓 that's rough..
How about "you're making something out of nothing." With the help of this channel and others I've worked out this was a way to distance themselves from opening up, cause if you do that you may be wrong, kids idolize their parents, and weak parents feed off that. Maybe that's a feature that should be removed in the next patch.
Big hugs! The struggle is real!
I have always received conditional love, even in attempts at relationships. I keep hearing, "you're pretty for a dark girl," "I don't mess with women who wear glasses," and "If you permed your hair and got some fake nails, then you could get a man." The objectification is exhausting, especially when people drone at me that I don't know my own value. The commodification of black women is truly demoralizing.
I am very sorry that you have to go through that, and that it feels demoralizing to you. I just wanted you to know that you absolutely do have value, you do matter, and that I heard you. Even though we will never meet and I don’t know you, I love you unconditionally as a fellow human being, and hope that you may love yourself unconditionally and truly, as your own opinion on yourself is the most important one. ✌️❤️💐
Black women are objectified by black women and men. This is not only the mentality in the US, it’s the mentality in Africa as well. Try visiting Sudan if you want to have an idea on how far that goes.
@Claudine, I have traveled to Ghana twice and see gorgeous women putting synthetic weaves in their hair. I know some countries have shade issues and am fully aware that this is a result of British colonization.
Believe me, there are plenty of educated, eloquent, talented black women in the United States who know their worth as a human being and are living out single, dignified lives by washing their hands of those who would treat them as less than. Anybody who sees me as the wrong color/tone isn't invited to stay in my life. If all they want is skin tone, they can marry a cardboard box and steer clear of me. Thank you for your encouragement. 💖
ALL women it happens to ALL women. In one form or another:( Take care of yourself Gail and know that I was told I would grow to be short..fat and bowlegged and not wife material. That sort of comments stay with you. I am part French and Indian(NA).
Sounds like you need to leave Black males alone.
"Experiencing sex as an exchange", instead of mutually fulfilling...explains my married life so well. Coming from a home where I didn't matter, this was how I continued my unknowing mistreatment of myself.
“Feeling stuck about exploring, like in writing or art or music….” Omg I literally was just thinking about how I grew up never being able to put a pencil down (always drawing) and how as an adult I don’t anymore and I just feel stuck. Like the passion is gone but I still want to draw, I just can’t seem to make myself do it anymore. 😱 Also, I am in the process of writing a book and I just feel stuck, like I’m avoiding it but don’t know why, and I love to write! All these videos are making my brain 🤯
Samesies
I was into writing and music..I am getting back into it because my mom discouraged music (probably cause it involved me making noise and having to leave the house and thus not be around to take care of her for a few hours each week) and would roll her eyes at the idea that I wanted to write. I started writing at age 6.
Same for me, I drew a lot and wrote stories when I was a child, now I just can't, something stops me every time even though I really would like to write my own book and/or work in some creative field.
Not pursuing my passions has been a form of a self neglect and abuse. Perhaps you are ignoring yourself from low self esteem due to childhood trauma? That's how it was/is for me. ❤
Me too. Writer. Years of my parents' fears of: How will you support yourself? How will you make money? We won't take care of you/support you. You will have to be a writer alone. You can't write a book. We won't be there...and so on. I never wrote anything and now I am 61. I love to write when I do it. Then I have the tape in my head, as above. Stop writing. I have a lifetime of empty journals.
For me, #1 was more “Love is real for everyone else, just not me”. As a kid, I could see love in movies and hear it in songs, and I knew the importance of being with people you love. I could daydream about it, but I didn’t believe it was meant for the me in reality. I assumed that I shouldn’t want love or even care about it. Thanks for the video!! Now I’m aware of more healing I need to do 💚💛
Uhhh I just said this to someone yesterday
@@abbieamavi
ua-cam.com/video/0BtOY3Wr2LU/v-deo.html
On a sincere note, I’m sending strength and clarity your way, to see past the lies that wounds tell and to get yourself through to the other side because you deserve better 💙
w(°ｏ°)w
Ages ago (or perhaps even yesterday), I put prose to paper and penned 'A Different Kind of Lonely', a poem I inexorably jotted down while my espresso brewed. Not for academic purpose, nor emotional hijacking or inner validation. It was simply to be HEARD. (Even if by my 'ears' alone) It was a wistful acknowledgement of my many friends and family, and greater sense of isolation I felt the larger the crowd of my loved ones grew.
@@sushicat6797 thank you!! Same to you, wishing strength and hoping for peace and all the love in your life. 💛😌
@@sushicat6797 and I love the video you linked! One of my favorites to quote 😂😂
As a parent who didn’t have toxic parents your channel is great for me to do everything I can to not be toxic to my kids by not knowing any better.
Listen to them and make them feel safe, loved, respected and heard. That's about it in a nutshell, these problems come from parents who care more about themselves so you don't need to worry 😊
What a blessing😊
That is one of the most loving and responsible things a person can do for their children. It's so beautiful and refreshing to read your comment. :)
Run and hug/thank your folks immediately! Im so glad unicorns like you exist! Srsly gives me hope
I’m so glad that there’s people like you in the world 💚💚
This man is basically describing my entire 41 years of existence. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time being miserable 😢
#6 is a doozy
My mom knew my entire life I was diagnosed with autism and sensory processing disorder, and hypermobility.
My mom came from a trashy family so she HAD to be classy (huge Joan Crawford-Mommy Dearest kind of childhood for me).
So, because my intelligence was off the charts I was shamed constantly (made butt of family jokes) for having normal Aspie problems.
She told me when I was 35 years old and I told her my child was diagnosed the same as me. "Your doctor told me all those horrible things about you when you were little. Why do you need to label your child? I didn't need to label you!)
Wrong, mother I am getting my child services to help her be her best self and NOT expecting unfair things of her.
But, then again she's not my show Pony like I was for my mom.
She labeled all 3 of us.
I was the brain. Sister was the beauty. Brother was comedian.
We were NOT allowed to play another role.
*I never knew I was autistic or hypermobile or sensory processing disorder until she told me when I was 35 is what I meant*
🎯💔
OMG! I am an aspie too but was not formally diagnosed till I was in my 20's. Long story, no need to read it if you don't want: Growing up, my mom made me feel horrible about things related to my disorder like sensory issues or not liking being teased or made fun of (I still remember being 7 or 8 and my step dad and step brother making me cry at restaurant because they kept teasing me even though I kept saying, "Please stop that. I Don't want you to joke around that way.") My mom would pretty much lecture me and yell at me later about it telling me how I embarrassed her and was horrible person. (Nothing said to step dad nor my step brother who was 20 at the time and literally was an adult teasing a child). My mom down played my academic achievements and tried to sabotage me from going to college by shredding my w2s so I couldn't file for aid. I later found (because we connected through social media in my 30s) out my 6th grade teacher suspected I was an aspie and suggested to my mom that I be evaluated. My mom shot the idea down and my teacher tried to explain that I wouldn't be put into a special education classroom or labeled but that they could give me therapy to help me with my social skills because she noticed I was very bright but had trouble making friends. My mom once again shot down the idea so my teacher decided to recommend me for "peer leadership" program with a few other kids because she knew that I would learn some verbal and non verbal skills in there and she didn't need my mom to sign off for me to be in it (it was seen as an honor to be selected and she told me she had been planning to recommend me anyway). My mom had initially denied having any thing brought to her attention by this teacher and then tried to play it off as "I didn't want you to be "labeled". I think she just didn't want to admit that it was something I couldn't control because then it would mean I wasn't acting up because I was a horrible person but because I was having neurological issues and she couldn't as easily scapegoat me anymore.
You should write a book. fr.
Cried for 38 minutes...literally the first point hit home and the flood gates opened.... that was a hard pill to swallow.
I cried at #3 and #1 resonated so well. Feels like your head is messing with you and someone is saying it out loud.
I cried too and find myself in the Doomisphere often. Patrick’s ending is so helpful. The way he wraps it up 👍🏼
Yeah, I have a hard time with that and my life was impacted significantly because of that first one too. I have a lot of work to do! Thanks for sharing. I was wondering if anyone else felt like crying. Hugs : )
Hugs to us all. The kindest words can mean a lot to us. I hope we all find our peace one day. 🤗🤗🤗🤗
You are not alone. 🖤
A soul mate doesnt have to be a life partner, it can be a friend.
It can be a pet
Yes soul mate is different than twin flame
@@abirb7140 yes, real love
Friendzoned ....
@@Member_zero friend zone doesn’t exist. People don’t owe you sex.
6 lies from childhood I wish I'd known when I was twenty. It's too late for me (I'm close to eighty years old now) but I sincerely hope the younger people who watch this video will benefit from it.
It's never too late ❤ I am 55 and just waking up after being re-traumatized... I've been able to isolate during the pandemic with my 24 year old daughter and I lol sorry😢 rabbit holes! It's never too late ❤❤
Never too late
Never too late love, I’m rooting for your heart
❤❤❤❤❤
"Love isn't real" I try to tell my friends I believed this until I was almost 20 and its so unbelievable to people that its hard to talk about - also seeing happy couples makes me feel so bad that I almost get disgusted at myself that I feel bad about others happiness
I also thought love wasn't real until I met my husband. Former boyfriends were never good to me and my ex husband was neglectful and cheated on me all the time. My current husband showed me love is real and that I am not hard to love as I always believed.
Same here, seeing happy couples, happy people, happy colors, happy anything was beyond gross and made me uncomfortable.
As an adult looking back at my childhood, all I can remember are a few blurry memories. And shame. Neverending shame. Shame was my constant companion. Shame had a seat next to me at the dinner table. I quickly learned that my feelings, fears and stressors were absolutely meaningless, because "You're just a kid! You don't have a job! You don't know what fear or stress is." So I learned to shove everything down and pretend to be normal. I feel an ocean of pain and torment beneath the surface and I'm terrified of what I would do if I let it all out.
Im really sorry about that. That sounds painful, reminds me of stuff in my life
Let it out (in healthy ways). You need to heal. You can't heal if the infection doesn't get treated, it will just spread unto every area of your life unfortunately.
I found a therapist that I felt comfortable with, took several tries. It takes a while, but you let it out a little at a time. Promise it's worth it
This is beautifully written and I found it relatable.
You have to let it out. I had the same issue but I chose to do boxing and I am a woman.I have never lashed out to anyone but when my buttons where pushed I say few words but the words are so deep and my body language would even match my emotions.
"Parents who expressed love to you but didn't back it up with loving behavior"
The key phrase I heard regarding this point was "we are not laughing at you, we're laughing with you" in moments where I'd be ridiculed in front of the family. Such BS.
I was always the brunt of their jokes and never taken seriously as a child
This causes me intense disgust and rage
I get it. It's really hard
@@AckunaFritatta same 😔
@@alison9189 I'm working with a therapist now and I feel so much better. There's hope and healing after an abusive childhood .. I wish you the best on your journey to healing. 💙
God that exact fucking line
My parents constantly told me the other parent really loved me. Neither acted like they did. To this day I don't trust that emotion. Thank you for this video.
My siblings didn't experience the abuse as I did. They're all messed up from her, but I was a scapegoat for whatever reason. It's even more traumatizing when your brothers & sisters say "That didn't really happen to you, or you're making it up....why are you exaggerating?'. It makes you not want to speak to these people ever again.
Yeah, sometimes you have to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. Including dubious family members, at least in my experience
@@nardbd7 that's what I did. I just don't talk to them because I don't feel mentally safe around them, you know 😐my feelings get too hurt. and everyone says you know thats your family thats your family! but my family is no good for me so you're absolutely right
When I first met my husband it felt too good to be true to be loved so well. In my mind I felt like Carrie up on that stage, just waiting for pigs blood to get dumped on me. #5 really resonates.
I completely relate to this.
I realized I was emotionally abused by my mother years ago, but holy shit, so many anxieties and behaviors I thought were just part of my personality are actually symptoms of abuse. It feels very bittersweet to learn this, thank you.
I still suffer from PTSD and I'm 70.
@@christineribone9351 I am a life coach and work with people through there trauma. I would love to help you on your journey 😀
yep.
@christineribone9351 I'm 68 and had years of inept therapy that never addressed the Complex-PTSD. Joy to finally know what happened and grief. "Any day now, any day now, I shall be released."
I'm sorry for your past. I hope you'll heal. And do not use sh word next to Holy. God is never to blame, people are.
I wish there were more jungian therapists and that therapy was more affordable and normalized. I see the demand for this content and dialogue growing enormously over the next few decades.
I'm halfway through an audiobook of 'A Life of Meaning' by James Hollis, I've always been drawn to Jung but it's wonderful to finally be exploring things like 'Shadow work' in a serious manner. My optimism tells me that the average ability of a consumer to understand and apply concepts like those found in Jung's work has already grown and will continue to do so the more humans are raised comfortably with modern information density
Yes! I feel like I intuitively understand what I need to do in order to recover and I'm waiting for the limited resources we so over-generously refer to as the "mental healthcare system" (which I see as an oxymoron) to catch up or realize just how wrong they've got it. I'm acutely aware of the fact that the single biggest hurdle healthcare in general faces (and mental healthcare in particular gets sidelined by) is the for-profit capitalization of the industry. When the people who need the help the most also have the fewest resources, charging baller money for an hour of chat seems way too much like an indulgence rather than a necessity -- you know, like our version of an ego trip to space?
@@codacreator6162 I think you're right on every count. Being that I'm autistic, queer, and frankly magically inclined, it feels inevitable that I also align as Left-Anarchist
I have had luck finding jungian therapy ideas in some of the more recent modalities, like Gestalt, IFS and AEDP. As for cost, going to a place that has counseling interns is the way to go! Because I agree, the shadow work is so important, inner child work is so important, and even with many insurances thorough mental health care is too expensive.
@@karenmatuska3812 I've luckily managed to find a psychodynamic therapist who has a good amount of experience, who offers video/phone sessions at a more affordable rate than I've found before. Best of luck to all of you!
"would you say that to a kid" - that's how I got in touch with how unhappy I was! I've always wanted to have kids, but found myself thinking I shouldn't because it would break my heart for a kid to grow up to be unfulfilled and lonely and feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. Then I realized what I was saying was "it would break my heart if my child ended up feeling the way I do now", which sort of blew my mind because I'd been telling myself I was "fine" for so long.
Our parents have always said "I love you" very frequently, usually at least once a day while telling us good night. We recently had the thought that their idea of "love" in this case is more like what we'd call "diplomatic favor"
OMG, that is very interesting.
I never heard my mother say she loved me--^ in fact, she resented me all my life since she had me at 15 & said I "ruined" her life. Hard to see how being told you were loved is trauma.
@@user-cz5lj2vx1fThe main problem with it is that it messes up your concept of love. If your parent(s) abused you out of “love” and frequently told you as much, then love feels like abuse. Then, you get into relationships outside of your parents and wonder if those people love you because they’re not abusing you.
I recently realized we said it a lot and it usually meant goodbye because my daughter started doing it (she's an adult) I started realizing she told me she loved me when she was ready to go. When we were going to say goodbye for a while. When she was leaving the room. And I realize the only time I heard I love you was when we saw family that we hadn't seen in a long time or when they were going to leave we would say goodbye with I love you,.. You stay in touch now! Even one of my aunts couldn't hug all the way like that was the only time we showed affection as well... Only got hugged when we were saying hello or goodbye
@@stephaniesummerill7117wow I just realized my moms side of the family does this 😮weird
Lmao literally seconds before 15:14 I was thinking “If I send this to my mom she’ll think I’m accusing her but I would actually like her to just examine her own trauma.”
Then he goes “Parentification. Trying to fix your parents’ trauma.”
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
I sent it to my mom even with that fear! We’re sitting down and watching this video right now! It’s never too late to change the cycle!
When I was pregnant with my son at 33, I went to my mom to tell her, I waited 4 months outta fear. After I told her, she started shaking and said, “Can you have an abortion for me”.. I remember crying in the car when I went back home, I just prayed is that I want my son to not suffer like I’ve had in life, really not knowing what that meant. I’m now 40 and after her overly making me look like a bad parent and her a great one it took me awhile to realize it’s never been me! It’s her! She’s never given me any advice about anything. She’s lied to me my whole life. My dad would always be like be nice to your mom. It took me being a mom, to find myself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry or even give me a hug. I never thought about it . Praying for everyone for healing as well.
I am so sorry. You like every human being deserved a loving mother. There must have been something very wrong with her to be that avoidant and heartless. I'm happy you can recognize her behaviour as sick. Sending a hug you very much deserve.
praying for you & ur new fam as well!
I’m so sorry for your pain.
I am sending you love.
💜💜💜
Hopefully you did cut your parents out of your life. Both of them look equally bad.
Sometimes we need to cut toxic people out of our life, I am sorry that you had that kind of experience.
4:50 my dad dropped me at university, and we briefly met my flatmates. One was doing criminology in an effort to help women who have been emotionally abused or manipulated. After about two weeks I felt comfortable talking to her a bit and I mentioned that my dad was quite aggressive and manipulative, using some examples. She said to me “omg wow, but when I met your dad he seemed really nice?” And I was like “yeah… he does that.” And I couldn’t really explain it other than “he seems nice but he can be difficult to deal with” but now I know this stuff, so thank you
The thing you said about having fear or shame around pursing art or creative pursuits really hit me. I’m going through this still at 43.
I am a 26-year-old adopted Native American. I had nine other siblings all girls and half of us were adopted for money from my neglectful and abusive adopted parents. Not cooking for us, no attention, beatings, and divorce I feel like I won the childhood trauma lottery. You videos are precious to me bc you at bare minimum show that I’m
Not alone in my experiences and that is beautiful. Thank you :’)
I hope you can design a love-filled life and thrive in spite of your upbringing. ❤️
Awww. I wish the best for you.
Hey Cole, I read what you wrote carefully. I congratulate you on being here, watching a video in an attempt to understand yourself better and improve too. I congratulate you on expressing yourself so eloquently, honestly and kindly. Your motivation to live a successful life is admirable. I wish you a deep healing and discovery of your true self, courage, love and joy.
I’m also a 26 year old adopted native. You’re not alone
Why even adopt u all in the first place if that’s how they treated you?! That’s terrible. I’m so sorry u had to go thru that
I’ve always felt guilty for being repulsed and disgusted by expressions of love. I thought it made me some sort of cold, monstrous person. This was really validating and helpful to hear.
i used to be/kinda still am the same. learning about attachment types (particularly avoidant attachment) has helped me a lot.
Hugging people became popular in the 1980s. You know, hugging friends and everybody else. My parents started hugging us. It was so WEIRD. I would feel like my mom's hand were clatchy claws (phrase from TSElliot) when she did that. Thanks, don't hug me, I'm good.
@@chateaumojo Are you?
Yeah, I struggle when people say they love or care about me. It never feels true. I'm always feeling vigilant and like they're just saying that.
I feel the same way. I was never hugged and both of my parents showed unavailable and hostile/ indifferent behavior. There were jokes around expressions of love or sex. Like it was repulsive, fake, gross. My mother constantly expressed the repulsion she felt with my dad, calling him (and his body) gross, fat etc. I'm 40 years old and have not been able to actually be intimate with someone... I tried, but I'm just too traumatized. The consqequence of this is : no children. I too felt like I was a monster towards my partner for feeling these feelings, but it is trauma, taught behavior. I hope I can "unlearn" it. But so far I haven' t been successful, even after years of therapy.
“Parents who are profoundly miserable…expressions of love felt manipulative and gross”. I’ve worked through so much of my childhood but man this video would have been helpful 20 years ago 😂 I’m here to say I identify so much with many of these things…but not anymore. Knowing all of this can be helpful in taking steps forward. It’s one thing to recognize trauma, it’s another to be ready to move forward without it. ❤
I just cannot fathom being loved. After all, if my own parents couldn't, how could anyone else possibly? They saw the genuine me and decided she wasn't worthy of love or care. So now I put on a mask in front of everyone and no one knows the real me. Not even me. It's safe to love the mask. It is not safe to love me. How lonely it feels. How easy isolating is.
“Safe and sad lives”, this phrasing hit home for me. Very powerful and accurate.
Sad by who's standard? A safe and stable home where parents sacrifice their personal ambitions, or live within their means, for the sake of the family is a virtue not a failure.
@@kdurston1 Sacrificing one's personal ambitions is undoubtedly a failure.
@@kdurston1 preaching that this is the all they and you are capable of is abusive.
The "we belong in poverty" mentality is not healthy.
@@kdurston1 It's more about how the parents perceive their own life. Some people genuinely want to do certain things, which as most things in life, have some degree of risk associated. The problem comes usually in those that have generalized anxiety or catastrophizing thought patters, where even the smallest risk is dissected and all the improbable what-if situations are given too much consideration, making even actions that are moderately risky and taken by a considerable portion of the population seem scary. Thus the person gets afraid and settles for what they consider to be the safer/less troublesome/less hard to get path, which might actually have higher risks or detrimental effects in the long term than the "risky option".
The whole idea is that fear is what runs the choices of these people, and as they accumulate unwanted "safe" choices, they end up living a life they do not truly enjoy, while at the same time instilling the same fear and modelling that this is the right course of action for their children. To put it in a simple metaphor: eating only boiled fish and vegetables everyday might be heatlhy, but it will end up frustrating you, while throwing in a barbeque or some cake once in a while won't take away from your overall health, but it will make you much more satisfied with your diet. Risks are not always bad. Pursuing anything that is hard to achieve is a risk, but with it also comes the satisfaction of getting it, or at least knowing you tried and not living with the regret. Those who have parents who led "safe and sad" lives will feel like they don't have the right to pursue what they truly want if there is an easier to get less risky option and they will feel like they have to settle. And that kind of life doesn't lead to any satisfaction.
@@himawarimanjushage9735 Bravo! So well said 🙏 “When it comes time to die, let us not discover that we never lived.” Henry David Thoreau
"Parents have no respect for your belongings"
My mother once ripped up something I owned in a rage because I was a distracted child in church and she started wrecking my stuff. For the most part she's a loving mother but on some days she read my diaries and didnt speak to me for a whole day after seeing something written about her and made me apologize for my feelings at the time. It was invalidating and disrespectful looking back....i havent been able to journal or be honest about my feelings even in private because I still feel like someone's gonna see what I wrote/think
Abusive people can be loving. It's called honey moon phase. Cartoon evil villain people for the most part don't exist. Most cases of abuse are done by people who think they love, but they don't actually know how or care to understand what love is. Under no circumstances was that acceptable to do to a childs things
I'm so sorry that you are in a state that you can't even write down in a journal for fear of someone seeing. That's not okay, that's fight/flight response for an outlet everyone should feel free to have.
Turn the journaling into a book make up characters and have them act out you’re life then one of the characters is u and then when they talk it’s actually what you’re thinking/feeling but to others they’d only think it was a book in progress
That’s such an invasion of privacy with her doing that which could actually make someone become even more secretive
I'm so sorry to hear that. Parents often don't understand that children absolutely need their privacy. Nothing pisses me off more than when parents go through their kids stuff without their permission
u deserve safety, and privacy is part of feeling safe. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Not at all.
My childhood friend went out for the day and I watch her mom sneak her diary out from under her bed and pick the lock, reading it in front of me..with no remorse. This mom was basically my second mom, and I watched her do these things a lot. I feel what you mean about not being able to journal for fear of someone finding it. The young brain soaks in everything it sees, and it's unfortunate that these adults didn't respect their children or use the golden rule.
I had no idea until I saw your videos that what I experienced as a child could be described as “ a thing”. The toxic parent or sibling that wasn’t necessarily physically abusive. That a lack of parenting could fall under childhood trauma. I watched this video out of curiosity, not expecting so much of it to hit home. My mind is kind of blown right now.
I'm happy for you. I wish more people were exposed to these videos.
Seeing other people in love is so bittersweet for me because I want the same so badly but I'm also so happy for them and how beautiful love can be.
When I hit puberty, my mom used to humiliate me in front of other family members by making comments about my body changing and making fun of me for it. I became ashamed of my body and developed an eating disorder in my late teens. I obsessed over my body and developed negative emotions towards sex and femininity.
I’m so sorry! I never really thought about that being a root cause of an eating disorder. I wasn’t shamed as badly as you were, but I remember being totally traumatized when my mother ran & told my narc grandmother about my first period after I swore her to secrecy. My grandmother made a big deal about it, embarrassing me terribly.
Same. I’m 30 and wear tees and cargo pants so no one else will ever do that to me again
I thought it was just me!
Omg the same thing happened to me! My mom wouldn’t even buy me bras deodorant or tampons. I became a bulimic intentionally to get rid of my period. To this day I view sex as bad. Ironically I’m a stripper now. Therapists told me it was my rebellion because I wasn’t allowed to grow up. My mom wanted me to remain a child and growing into a woman is bad
@@Elyfairy I’m so sorry this happened to you! Glad you are on the path to reclaiming your femininity & sexuality.
My mum never explained anything about periods at all. When I got mine I thought that she would yell at me about it, so I hid it for months, until she found.
I was so scared & confused about what was happening to my body.
She actually didn’t yell, but made me feel guilty about how “expensive” pads & tampons each time they needed to be bought.
Patrick, you are a UA-cam treasure. Thank you for addressing such difficult and complex issues authentically and clearly.
And thank *you* for actually taking the time to upload a photo for your account.
Ppppppppp
I am at my late 30's and a mother to children, and my parents are still shamelessly fighting my sexuality. I am just a boring straight, but it doesn't matter. My mom and dad cannot bare their daughter being sexually active.
I was called names I should never be called, by them. They should be ashamed of themselves. I never went to them for help. Ever. Since they will never help me, advise me... Nothing. Just more mean calling names out there.
So messed up! I was a whore in my father's eyes from a young age, even when I was still a virgin. It really affects us throughout our lives.
@@MissBluebirddays it does. Parents are supposed to teach us roght from wrong and trust, acting like that kills our trust in the very people who made us.
@@MissBluebirddays Oh my god, what is the fucking deal with fathers being emotionally incestual with us daughters and our sexuality? I wasn't even allowed to show my shoulders as a legal adult. And got choked because they found unused condoms in my room. Pure insanity.
@@maschaorsomething I am so sorry you went through that level of trauma and violence, that is so fkn sick and cruel. We deserved so much better 💛
@@maschaorsomething I relate. I was not allowed to wear my hair loose, had to wear it in a ponytail or else it would get cut off, because loose hair was signalling something to men, I was 13 years old. I was also called these nasty things, and supposedly slept with half the town( only in their heads).
I would never talk to my parents about sexuality, I never had the sex talk, my mother especially treated anything about my period or sex in general as extremely taboo. I was 20 and a sex scene popped up on the tv and she was so emotionally wrecked that I saw people having sex that she started crying. Like I feel bad, but I'm the oldest and have 3 other siblings that really need to be able to feel comfortable talking about those things.
American society has done a brilliant job of turning sex into punishment and horror 🤭🤭🤭🔥
This is me too, at 20 the TV just mentioned something sexual and she forcibly clapped her hands over my ears. I was really angry when my 21 year old brother came to me crying and ashamed about natural human body things. I went through the same things and my mom did not do enough to teach me. I thought that sex was something to be ashamed of. Starting to unlearn these things at 23.
When he said talk to your inner child and close your eyes and imagine who you want to be made me fucking cry. A lot. I just wanted to have supportive friends like i did in elementary.
Honestly, all of this also relates to religious trauma.
Same
Please, explain. I think I had the same issue.
.
Sigh. It's so hard to recover.
@@m_and_ems certain church rhetoric leads to a lot of these “lies” of thought: you only have value if you do x, y, z; aren’t “good” as you are (sinful), don’t be unclean (sexual), non church people are bad (society at large).. etc.
Does anyone also feel like saying "i love you" is a routine. When my parents or family say it, it just doesnt feel genuine. Its like a routine, almost like its a burden to have to say it. It feels like they dont mean it, they just feel like they have to say it.
4# and 3# really hit me hard 😢
I was the scapegoat, the wierd one, overly energetic girl.
I was not allowed to be feminine as it would make others feel uncomfortable because I bloomed early, attracting men so I had to dress down or like a boy to not "give the wrong impression".
My mother hates it when I am feminine and getting attention. Especially when men do anything for me. She said I needed to stop being so useless or men will think I owe them something, that I needed to do it myself or I will be subject to give sexual payouts like a whore does.
So I stayed virginal and swore to God I will only save myself for my future husband should I find him or die a virgin. I have found peace in that and its saved me from many time wasters.
I move in silence now. Being myself is freeing and no longer explain myself to anyone. Your videos and going to therapy is so helpful to unlearn all these lies.
Thank you.
I dunno about "love isn't real", but something like "Love is always out of reach".
This!
I think most people are more in lust then real love.
If your Venus is in the 12th house, it WILL be out of reach.
Love is for others but not for me...is how I feel
@@DevonI31 okay, YA.
I can't stand romantic comedies. I get ANGRY. 'cause that ain't real. Which, in the case of movies might be true, but I get unreasonably angry to the point I have to leave. and then I cry, because I'm not worth it. told my T last week that it's not just the sex, I don't think anyone would even want to live with me! let alone build a life! my inner child is so lonely, thank you for seeing her
Personally I can't watch romantic comedies because all I see are behaviors that would be red flags in real life.
that happened to me when I was younger, turns out I'm acearo, maybe you're also acearo if you don't feel any attraction towards others? :0
♡
@Amy Singer Wow that really hit home… what are you doing to help your inner child? Or a direction I can go towards to reach my inner child? Unfortunately, the area I’m currently in there is hardly any counselors and the demand is so high that I’m lucky to get 30 min a month with mine 😞
I feel ya. Rom-coms are so stupid. ugh. I want to tell the cute little heroine, :Sure, go ahead and get married. See what happens THEN. Good luck, honey. You so dumb.
My alcoholic father would periodically go into my room when I wasn't home & throw out something valuable, like my winter coat, boots, records and deny he ever did it, accusing me of losing them. So I most definitely live with the fear that something will be taken away.
Yeah. Toxic parents have boundary issues for sure. My mom would take my car without asking (usually on the days I needed to go to my guitar lessons, surprise surprise! I had to start hiding my keys in my sock drawer instead of the hook). She would also give my stuff away without saying anything (I don't mean like clothes or toys I outgrew, I Mean like she would go into my room to get a shirt of mine that I liked to give to my cousin or give my prom dress that I bought with my own money to my sister, or take my facial products that I bought with my own money for herself!) I will never forget the last summer I spent with her (thank god!) she was not working but still getting child support from my dad and refused to do food shopping with the money (I'll do it next week I heard all summer long) I would buy food on a budget and even if I wrote my name on it she would eat it and call me selfish. She ate like 3 tv dinners in one sitting and I came home to nothing to eat! I finally plugged my mini fridge/freezer in the hallway upstairs and she accused of me surrogating the food. I told her she was welcome to eat anything she paid for and that pissed her off.
I can't afford therapy anymore, so watching your videos help me process the things I went thru as a child and young teen... Might not be a perfect replacement for therapy but it helps me gain some better insight to why I think the way I do. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into each video!!!
You'd probably like Therapy in a Nutshell as well
I started watching this video and was like "I'm probably lying to myself about childhood trauma anyways" and then couldn't finish it bc I was crying 5 minutes in..
Hi twin
is that a thing with traumatic childhoods? that we think it wasn't that bad or not as bad as we think? I guess a part of me feels why should it matter anyways?
@@suzaruwrx81 idk for others but for me honestly I tend to compare my childhood to other people and feel guilty about complaining about my own idk
@@suzaruwrx81 it is a thing and it's called "imposter syndrome." It has many forms. For some people, you feel like an imposter or like you're faking things or making a big deal out of things when they're really no big deal or overplaying what you experienced. For other people, you may feel like you're an imposter among the people who are diagnosed - you may feel like you are being a hypochondriac, that you're making up your symptoms or your brain is forcing you to relate to these things because you want to "belong" and that what you experienced isn't actually that bad, or downplaying what happened to you.
@@taylorbritt499 thanks for that response! I've heard of imposter syndrome, but not in that sense. I don't really fit a diagnosis for PTSD and I wouldn't say my childhood as a whole was traumatic, rather a bunch of experiences that in itself were traumatic. but as I get older and things come together, things are becoming clearer. it's weird.
Religious trauma really played into number 6 for me in my life. I "couldn't" be me because my "family would disown me" and "I would go to hell" etc etc.
This one is really hard. I am still not "out" to my immediate family because of this.😢
I had an x that told me I was going to hell all the time. His treats did not phase me. I know better.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. Parents should treat their child as if they’re a fellow, equally valuable, regardless of sexual orientation, human being and not a doll to play house with. Sending love your way my friend.
Me too 😢 I'm still not out to my family and probably never will be
Yep, I'm livid with my mother, Christians and Christianity.
It's such a morally bankrupt belief system.
a lot of my childhood is a blur, but i still remember very vividly the time my mother sat me down at the dinner table after an argument, one leg crossed over the other while i was crying, and made me repeat that i was nothing, that i was a pile of shit, and that i would never be worth anything. she asked softly "do you understand?" as if it was a lesson to be learned.
i have other memories, but i often struggle to believe they're real. one time, i must've been eight or nine, she shoved me out into the snow (mid-winter in canada) for getting upset at a math problem i couldn't solve. i remember thinking that i was going to die, and she just looked at me cry through the window in the door. i just struggle so much to imagine that she would have done this, when she could otherwise be very kind to me.
there's just a lot of blurriness in my memories and it makes it very hard to deal with any of it. when cps got involved in my case, i kind of realized that it was literally my word against hers-a thirteen year old pitted against an adult. very often i felt like no one believed me, because they kept trying to "reunite" me with my mother.
i live with my father now, who isn't as bad, but calls me dramatic when i have panic attacks about my mother. the other day my therapist had him join a session for a short while and explained to him how since we lived together, he could be a very important part of recovery for me. when i was done with my session and left my bedroom, he told me he didn't get what she wanted from him. he didn't ask me, either.
i just don't really know where to go. i still get urges to self-harm even though it's been years now and rather than getting easier, it's getting harder to ignore them. every time anything goes wrong i remember that conversation with my mother at the kitchen table. then i have to ask myself whether or not i invented it for attention, and it starts the spiral. i hate myself. i hate myself for hating my mother. i can try to rationalize, say that it was hard for her to be a mother, but deep inside i don't really care. she hurt me so horribly and left scars so deep-without any remorse, either, she actually made me apologize to her recently, for being a terrible daughter-that i just can't ever forgive her, and don't ever want to even try to explain her behaviour. i'm so tired somedays. there are days where nothing goes wrong and i still see my body hanging at the window.
Thank you for sharing. I am amazed reading these because I always felt like it was just me all alone dealing with my parents. My parents are real people with real issues too. And my grandparents, omg, sometimes I’m amazed humanity still exists. But there are so many people who had some kind of trauma and so many people who feel alone.
Putting words to it and sharing with each other is a great first step.
One of my first memories - I must have been maybe three - is standing outside my dads door after I woke up from a nightmare. I wanted to ask for help and comfort. But I knew, even at that age, that “I am a bother.” Black and white, either hurt me or hurt him. I went back to bed and tried to cry absolutely silently so not even the monsters under the bed would be bothered by me.
You’re not alone. And if more and more people share and learn emotional intelligence and learn to be kind to their inner child - then less and less kids will have to grow up like we did. ❤❤❤
I hear you. Don't give up. You matter, and that's the truth. Keep going to therapy, and look for other resources, like Codependents Anonymous. If therapy is not working, look for another therapist; if that's not an option, talk with her about your feelings and ask for concrete things you can do to resolve your childhood trauma. Often simple things like exercising, meditation, or journaling help a lot. Be safe. You are not alone.❤🩹❤
You are valuable, you matter and you are so loved ❤
I have people tell me this, "oh, I'm sure your dad did the best he could, it was really hard for him to parent." It sounds like this is a thought creeping in about your mother. Yes, parenting is hard. But a parent can always do better than deliberately putting their child in life-threatening danger like your mother did. It's not hard to not torture someone.
If you can, find a support group to help give you validation and comfort. Not sure how old you are, but Alateen is the teen version of Al-anon for families/friends of alcoholics or abusers. There are also trauma specific support groups online and sometimes in person. Search for "support groups near me" and see what you can find. Good luck, and sending you love!
You absolutely have to stay in therapy. And please let her know how you are feeling.
Many of these hit close to home for me. Love was very conditional growing up with my dad. He "disowned" me whenever I did something he didn't like or didn't do something he wanted me to do. Love for me was very conditional. I also felt very sexualized covertly by my dad. I learned from him that my whole worth as a female was to sexually please men. Took me a long time to realize I had more to offer. I never felt heard or valued by him. There was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, not only by him but by my brothers too. Lots of sarcastic verbal abuse that they thought was funny. Me, not so much! I am 62 and still feel very messed up by all that. My dad has passed and I don't have any contact with one of my brothers because he is still very abusive towards me. I feel I am beyond getting past it all at this point. I have major trust and self-esteem issues and have trouble believing in real love.
I'm 57 and totally understand how you feel. I've accepted the possibility that my future will probably involve living on my own with my pets and a few friends.
You can. Start with loving yourself. Ask yourself "what would someone who loves themselves do" with every decision you make. Fake it til you make it.
There are some great books and resources out there. I felt unlovable till probably about my mid 30's. Now I realize that I can't control what happened, but I can control the outcome. I was able to join a wonderful parish which helped a lot and also found a great group of friends through a local gaming group. Remember, you don't have to be family to be blood and don't waste your time on people who don't see your value.
I have a similar story, though I am 73. I only have 1 sibling left; all have died, as have both parents. And still I am struggling with this last sister who is 75 and the golden child (I was the youngest of 4). I had hoped I would be "free" once they were all dead, or at least once we "matured". Not true. My sister and I still clash. I have so much work to do. This video helped me to see that.
My throat is literally closing and aching hearing this. Every single one is a daily process for me. This is so validating. Thank you so much.
Yes! For me too
Wishing you a safe space to heal and sending love, I’m so sorry you’re going through this💜💜
I also wish u safety and stability.... I hope u get to cry out some of that pain..... Good luck, searching for your inner peace, and I hope u have fun along the way
God can I ever relate
I know that I can relate to this video to some degree at least, but I keep disassociating so I can’t focus entirely & I’m not really sure why.
I was psychologically and emotionally abused when I was in elementary school. No one believed me for years, not even my first therapist, who didn't take seriously my panic attacks, stomach pain, depressive and suicidal thoughts. Changed therapist and she finally diagnosed me with CPTSD. I'm currently healing.
me too
I was just diagnosed with PTSD. Medication is helping but I still am continuing therapy and research.
Also your school tramua is valid because some children could have a learning disorder without any help (example- if your parents said no to an IEP despite continuing to be strict about grades) Another example could be bullying. Some child might also dissociate during school work and be blamed and scolded for it.)
I hope you have a good recovery and that you can be happy. 🙏❤
Did you’re parents tell the first therapist what u were going to talk about ahead of time they could have tainted their view of u so whatever u said looked like a lie
Thanks for all the kind messages. It was unfortunately a huge combination of many mistreatments, coming from many different people over the years, and since being mistreated was my "normal" and I wasn't taken seriously as a little kid, I just blamed all my distress on my hypersensitivity. Yes, my parents do have some level of responsibility in all of this but we are working this out together with a very good psychologist, dietician and physiotherapist. The results are showing and I'm slowly building a new relationship w my parents and myself.
#2 is me. I'd rather crawl under a rock than try socialise in a group
Oof, this one hit hard. I really didn’t expect that I grew up believing every one of these lies. I guess I still have a lot to learn and unlearn.
That's life, learning and adjustment is healthy . Resistance is sick
"i give you everything, food , house and clothing" and also those parents proceed to treat their children with verbal abuse , insults and physical abuse too .
They all have the same speech
@@Sarablueunicorn The gaslighting
@@CristianDominguezReloaded Across countries, languages, cultures. It's always the same speech, quite interesting right?
This stems from children being considered property and all it takes to raise them is provide the same that us provided to raise pigs or chicken.
This speech doesn't happen in rich/wealthy families, they have other forms of abusive speech but this one is typical of poor/low class mentality. They don't see children as an investment but as a burden.
@@Sarablueunicorn oh wow!
Anyone else find Love in general a whole confusing concept; after coming from a history of childhood trauma and neglect??
My partner was the first person to ever show me unconditional love, I questioned if it was even real before him.
I grew up in abuse, emotional neglect and shame. Highly critical parents who never validated me. Love is so foreign and hard to accept. Now I'm just a love anorexic. Haven't gotten into any relationships for a while. I needed to figure out this feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness
Yep kinda, I wouldnt be sire I have a history of childhood trauma, but my dad did something in particular that Made me constantly question love. Ive realized it's a very confusing matter to me and label myself as aromantic for cconvinience but im not sire how true Is that
Yes...I believed that love was pain for many years
Yes, I didn't get what all the fuss is about. I thought it was a marketing trick made up tu manipulate all of us . That probably says a lot about me.
I did not grow up in a loving home. My father was a drunk and was very verbally abusive towards my sisters and myself, my mother was always hateful, I will always remember her saying my sisters and myself were mistakes. I was 24 years old before my parents ever said I love you but it was because a drunk driver almost killed me. I'm married but it's hard for me to show feelings towards my wife
Man, the "sex is bad" portion really hit home
The amount of times I've tried to feel good about my looks or when I brought a girl home, the put-downs and insults were just horrible!
What hurts me the most is - now that I'm trying to be a better person - the way they flaunt their hypocrisy in such an obvious and cruel way hurt me the most
My dad can be out until 3 in the morning and come home with lipstick on his collar and yet I can't hang out with a girl at the local mall?
I used to tell my friends that, although born into the French culture, I was philosophically British; because I was utterly repulsed by any kind of affection shown to me OR to others
Looks like I got a lot of (healthy) growing to do!
As always, keep up the great work, Patrick! 👍
#1 all the way. I have parents who should have divorced but thought they were being good for me by sticking together. You know there's something wrong when a 10 year old is asking their parents to divorce and they respond saying "all love is abusive by your definition of abuse, grow up"
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 feel better
I don't remember what my parents said, but I did ask them kindly to divorce when I was 9, offering to love them even more separately when they are happier with new partners. Well, if this isn't the definition of failure of marriage, I don't know what is. I feel for you, no child should ever have to sit their parents down like that, and even more so, be ignored.
@@kangaroorider7688 oh my goodness I’m so sorry that’s terrible. But on the positive side it does show that you have a very strong character.
@@jennajoseph893 I do, and thank you for taking the time to tell me that and validate my experience. Never underestimate the impact of kind people on the internet:) I do hope that you are doing ok. How are you?
Also, I don't want to take away from the original poster @TheUndyingUnknown
I was so scared of getting fired that one day I did actually get fired and it felt amazing. I did cry but afterwords i was relieved bc I did dislike that job.
Tell me about it........ I wasn't fearful work say, butit I knew there was something and someone trying to get me fired. I waited, and waited, and waited until it just got on my nerves until they called me on my way to the airport to go back to work and said I was fired.
I got so mad for them wasting my time and making me wake at midnight to head to the airport more than I was about getting fired.......They should have just told me before I booked the ticket....
Good 4 u ! , u deserve better ! 💕
The worst part is trying to tell your parents they’re been toxic but they say everything is normal and that they didn’t do anything
Crying right now .... Patrick I don't know why you keep saying, "This will sound crazy, I know but..."
Nothing of what you've said sounds remotely crazy! I can relate to so much of what you've said.
What IS crazy is that we come here and discover that so many of us worldwide are suffering from (oft times) severe abuse. It seems it's just part of this world in which so many of us feel unwelcome.
Thanks so much for your channel. 💜💚❤️
You speak my mind exactly!!! Best of luck to your/our healing journey from Switzerland, and a big shout out and Thank You to Patrick for his super important work and deciding to make it available to us💚
"A background assumption that even strangers aren't into you".
That hit so close to home that I'm charging it rent. I tried expressing that feeling to a friend, and she said I was being self-centred.
It's such a strange and difficult feeling to articulate, thank you for bringing it up and giving some background to it/validating it. And a further thank you for all your videos.
I’m sorry someone called you self centred for that. Trauma can present as that for me, and it makes it hard to sustain adult friendships with people who didn’t experience this kind of childhood.
I dont think your friend is very supportive hon. I'm trying to tell myself they just dont understand but were damaged and healing and sometimes let people in that we shouldn't because we think the criticism is caring or love. We sometimes think mistreatment is love because it's all we know ♥️
“I tried expressing that to a friend.” I understand completely. Unless a person is in that situation they’ll never understand. It’s so complex and almost impossible to express fully. That’s why we feel so lonely at times. Much love to you.
sounds like it's time for an upgrade in the friendships area, because that is not being a good friend. you deserve so much better than that.
Thanks so much, y'all are too kind. That interaction happened about a decade ago when we were in high school, so I don't necessarily blame her for not understanding complex psychology/trauma...it did still hurt at the time though. Luckily I'm now surrounded by people who are all the exact opposite of her!
So many of these hit home, I remember being a young child and begging my parents to get divorced. I told them that we would all be happier and that it would even be fun for me and my little sister to have 2 homes or new stepparents/stepsiblings. They would always scream that they were going to get divorced -in fact when I was 8 and had to stay home from school because I had swine flu, they burst into my room screaming that they were getting a divorce as if I wasn’t already uncomfortable being so sick…It took them 9 years after that to finally do it. They always said they stayed together for us but even as a kid I knew they were just scared of change. Blows my mind to think I had to be that self aware and mature as a child because nobody else around me was.
I understand completely, I was daydreaming about being taken away by child services because I firmly believed that would be a relief compared to what I was living in. I was about 10. None of their misery was ever your fault, in fact, I realized that staying in contact with them doesn't ease any of their misery now.
Alexandra Mullins Your Awesome 😎
I remember I wished my elementary school teachers would adopt me cause I can't stand the narcissistic abuse my parents had been doing.
@@OceanIgs I know, right? Anybody would have done, really. How I envied my classmates who were friends with their moms and talked about clothes and boys with them. I was a child but already fully aware what was happening. We grew up too fast, I guess.
Every Christmas, when my mom asked me what I wanted, I said a divorce!!!!!
I remember when I first tried to come out as bisexual to my parents. I was about 18 and after talking to my older sister about it I had finally worked up the courage to tell them. I was hoping beyond hope that they'd accept me and all that. But what they did do was almost worse than if they were flat out homophobic about it. they started saying things like "what makes you think that? Is it something your friends are saying" or "we don't believe it's real" or "it's unfortunate you feel the need to label yourself like that". Just completely shooting me down in every way, invalidating any feelings I had about myself.
All this coming after years of me struggling to articulate my feelings about my sexuality and feeling like I couldn't be anything but straight. It wasn't until a few years later that I really embraced it and accepted myself, at the same time that my parents got caught up in the trans panic fear mongering bullshit.
#1 Inner Child said, "Love isn't safe. Love hurts you."
Thank you, Patrick. You are an Angel among us.
"if people are nice to you, they probably want something from you or are trying to manipulate you" - that's what my mother often told me through my whole adolescence. Now, every time a person is being nice and very friendly to me, i can't avoid the thought that something fishy is going on and that i have to be extremely cautious about them. Even if close friends give me presents on Christmas or my birthday - my very first thought is always: how do i pay them back? they expect something specific from me, they surely want to be in charge of our friendship etc.
dear parents, it's good to teach your children to be cautious in life because yes - bad things happen. but don't force them into a corner to that point, where they can't trust anyone. they will grow up in loneliness.
My mom taught me that my feelings aren’t as important as other people’s feelings, and she told me to NEVER hurt people - even if it means staying in toxic relationships. She said breaking up with someone would hurt their feelings so when I did end romantic relationships she would scold me for being mean. All of that (on top of sexual abuse and being punished for that, too) I’ve had a complete disconnect between myself and my sexuality. I’m older now and much more in control of myself, but as a young adult I flip flopped between sexual repulsion and being hyper-sexual. Never any balance. Now I’m TRYING to reclaim my sexuality and finish strong with a healthy, passionate sex life, but it’s no easy road getting there. Thank goodness for videos like these! 🙏🏻❤️
That sounds very hard. You are so strong!!!
@@lttlod1 Aw, thank you!! 🙏🏻❤️ it’s been a wild ride finding my way out of that madness 😅 happy to be on the other side w/resources like these videos!
Wtf that’s a whole different level of abusive I’m so sorry u had to go through that
@@hala3731 thank you
@@MajaFunData sigh. “Religion” has destroyed millions.
I wish these things were included in public school curriculums so students could enter adulthood with some sense of where they need to work on themselves in order to be good parents and healthy adults.
American society doesn't want healthy adults only productive, compliant plebs 😢
I am very naive for clicking on this video before work without thinking of the emotional consequences. 😅
This was amazing. You are helping me connect a lot of dots I just started recognizing but kept struggling to understand.
And thank you for making my behaviours make sense without the shame others have made me feel for it
"The sexual you is bad/sex is bad" Yep. I drew an innocent picture of a man and woman making love (not even raw sex, just standard lovemaking) and my mom found it, and beat me with a belt. I was nine. That caused more of a scar over my soul than any other event in my entire life. The rest of my dynamic with her was really solid though. She was caring and loving, fair-minded, but I think being confronted with visual evidence that 'her baby' was growing up and would soon no longer be her baby...might have been too painful for her to accept, so she likely just chose to try and deny that growing up within me, like being on autopilot in her actions. Rationalizations aside, I wish she hadn't done what she did.
davidsirmons, your mom may have been raised believing sex was bad. Maybe that was instilled in her as a child? There is so many things that could have happened to her and she may have trauma/PTSD from it. So her reaction was a "knee jerk" reaction. I am not saying her reaction was right or acceptable however, maybe she experienced this in her childhood so that's what she knew to do? My mother was treated this way so that's how my mother knew to discipline her kids. One of the important factors in healing for me was to understand my parents childhood, their experiences. It really helped me to understand and heal. Also, I was taught sex was bad, my body was bad etc. My mom was raised catholic and that's what she was taught by her mother, it goes back generations. FYI sex is good, our bodies are beautiful. Love and blessings to you. ❤
I’m sorry that happened to you
That leaves that side of you damaged forever
@@lahicks9773 same
@@lahicks9773 Should stop making excuses for shitty parents. It's not their belief It's their self loathing projected on someone who is weaker than them.
When my sister was 17 my father saw my sister sitting on a boy's lap with a group of friends, doing nothing, they weren't even dating.
My father told my mother her daughters was a free whore so she arrived home and beated my sisters up. Hitting her head on the wardrobe and dragging her by the hair on the floor.
I was 12 and thought she was going to be killed. My sister became abusive towards me too because I was smaller and weaker.
They wouldn't lash out on people who could defend themselves .
When you said “living in constant fear of being fired from your job” I raised my hands and just smiled because that’s ME. If I am really sick and call in I feel like I’m fired. I just have such a terror of instant poverty. It’s so hard.
Same! It's weird because I wanna find other job.
100%!!! Every day!!!
I accepted racism,sexual harassment and bullying to keep that job.
@@sabrinakeys250 That is awful.
who doesn't?? literally everyone is replaceable. also do not make friends at your job, keep them at arms length
I’m chronically ill and honestly #4 just blew my mind especially with the toxic partner example. I have had some moments where I just feel like if I hid my symptoms I would be good enough to love. Obviously that’s not realistic and my friend really snapped me out of it when he said that that person would never do the same for me. Shout out to him.
I have a condition where I can hide very well as long as I use the proper things that help (like electrolyte drinks and compression socks being the main ones), and most people don't even know I have a chronic illness. But then after I do stuff, especially if I keep it up for a few days, I crash. I can't think straight, I can't make decisions, I can barely stand up, and it's not fun. I've been learning, especially with occupational therapy and having a supportive partner, that I don't have to put myself at a disadvantage to be loved and cared about. My friends will still be my friends even if I need to take more breaks, or have to say no to going to things sometimes. Listening to what your body needs is an underrated skill and very important. It's taken me years to understand and get over the gaslighting of people telling me I'm fine and to just "get over it." It's okay to struggle with things, and it's okay to ask for help.
Going into this video I was thinking that "it wouldn't be that bad, I'm probably not that broken..."
I hit 6/6 checkboxes and each time I realized that I believed in one of those lies, it felt like my soul was starting to burn.
I experienced soul death because I believed inside and out virtually ALL of these lies along with all the examples... that is a lot of lies (gaslighting that worked, also known as bull-s* it). So, I HEAR you. 👂 These things that I believed and concluded are BUL*L **it. Now I can say that and start on the road to fully believing that in my heart and soul. ❤🩹
Let that soul burn and then fiercly love the baby child that is born in those ashes.
Relating to #2: People don’t want to know you. I always take interest in other’s lives, ask open questions, and I try to learn things here and there about their interests so I have something to add to conversation.
I feel I don’t have this reciprocated, often, if ever. And when I do get asked questions about myself, I feel an intense fear in my body, but numb in the brain. I feel like nobody really cares, they just say their lines, where I’m not even trying to care, I just care. I love people. People don’t love me, it feels like. This might not be true but my experience has subverted reality and I can’t escape it
I can so relate. I will ask questions and remember what they tell me. They never ask me those questions. But I now realize it’s because most of the people I have either lived with or dated or were friends with were narcissists or had high traits. They loved me because I cared about them and their lives and they didn’t have to care about mine. I think a real friend would reciprocate. I just tend to attract users.
I relate to this so so so much!!! I’m constantly expressing interest in other but never get any questions back.
Omg- thank you for articulating this so well. Can so relate .
I wonder now that I know more, is it people who had to soothe, caretake, fawn , etc to survive who develop that sensitivity to others , while having to protect our inner world from assault at the same time .
Then we are out in the world as adults meeting just “normal” people who haven’t had to develop this “skill” or narcissistic or otherwise troubled people who feed us?
I meant narc people who feed off us, not feed us lol
I relate with this too.
This literally made me cry. I can’t believe how much I relate to these. Something that stuck out with the was the “being shamed for your gender.” I was born female, grew up as a female and still identify as a female but my father would ridicule me for liking “girly” things. I never understood and never will understand why I was shamed for being “too girly of a girl.”
Sounds like a misogynist
Girls are brought down for liking ANYTHING.. Whether it’s the colour pink or it’s boy bands whatever it is, people try and belittle what they like and them for liking it. There’s a lot of misogyny within that.
my sister made herself manly to appeal to my father, and accused me of "putting on being feminine" but then was jealous because men looked at me and not her. just one very small example of the insanity that was my childhood.
in a different vein, I was criticized for being a TOM BOY because I loved playing and climbing trees and was athletic...even being accused by my mother of being a lesbian for this.
My mom ridiculed me too for being a girly girl. I wasn’t allowed to like the color pink or do anything girly. I rebelled completely. I’m extremely feminine and girly as an adult and my mom can go die
This hit hard. I cried by the end of this. Narcissists are destructive. Hugs to anyone going through life reparenting themselves.
"Not knowing your personality" .. just brought a tear to my eyes.
I'm realizing I never had real parent figures in my life. They were all manipulative and shameful. Especially to the girls, they praised the boys, laughed at girls. My mom told me to not wish for daughters because they are so difficult and boys are easier. My dad made me say I loved him and made me tell him I missed him, or made me give him hugs or sit on his lap, or else he got mad and acted sad, my parents always played victim in every situation. I used to think it didn't effect me but It's beginning to be all I can think about. I have friends and a great father figure now who I am able to talk to about this and it helps, but it's still hard. And I often get jelous hearing my friends stories of their fun childhoods with their supportive parents, but at the same it kind of helps me realize what was and wasn't normal ... Or shouldn't have been normal
They might be covert narcissists.
I don't think it is apropriate to diagnose somebodys parent's from a single UA-cam comment.
When somebody has the courage to open up about their past experience, there are so many ways to show sympathy and connect with them. But I really don't think that just commenting your newest discovery from the DSM is a good option.
Even if you're trying to help.
To quote one of my favorite TikToks, "Boys are not easier to raise than girls. You just didn't bother with raising boys and now they're a menace to society"
Its sad when Mothers praise boys over girls and even Fathers doing that with sons.
my mother always touches me without my permission. I have told her multiple times to stop and she always takes it personal and gets offended. it hurts me that she has no awareness for the fact that i recoil when she tries to touch me, that she doesn't pick up on my reactions to her behavior even when explicitly stated. she would also manipulate us by having a breakdown and sobbing saying we hate her, then saying she's a bad parent for doing that in front of us so we would comfort her and tell her she's not. i get really upset just talking about it because it still happens multiple times a day where she will touch me and gets snippy if I ask her not to. I can't explain how trapped I feel.
A great lyric from a song that I always remembered was, ’You are what you love, Not what loves you back.’
The minute someone does something to hurt me, I shut them out. I have no desire to ever see or speak to them again.
Minute 35:13 😭💔"It hurts...!" That's the immediate answer my inner child gave me, when I asked her what she thinks about love.