and then you find a partner like that, who will call you an r-slur bitch but say you are the most important thing in their world, notice how I said THING
Then they wonder why everytime they tell u something, u only hold on to the negative part of watever they said n try to tell u that you're the one harboring negativity. Like bruh...u made me that way.
Children are also humans. I wish adults would THINK before they have children. Seems like hardly anyone does. It's just "oh I want one" and not knowing what it takes to be nurturing beyond food and shelter.
Some don't even think about the food and shelter part. You need a license/education to do almost anything in the US, except BRINGING ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
A lot of people don't even think. They just keep having kids because they don't use protection and end up with a ton of kids that they hate, it's unfortunate.
Problem is, when adults start thinking, they stop having any. And the countries where children are more and more rare become strongly intolerant towards children's needs. Example: Italy since the 2000s.
me too. even little things. like my friend handing me her phone to play ‘my music’ in her car, or when i’m asked to decide on something like a movie, what i want to eat. i never say what i really want because for some reason i’m afraid or almost embarrassed of my answers? like some will reject me for playing a song i like or something that insignificant. it’s tiring
My nail tech guy (salon owner) is super fast and didn’t hurt me at first. One day I had to pull back several times because he was cutting me . He said I was too sensitive and I move around too much. This wasn’t true. When I got home I had five bleeding cuticles and took pictures in case they got infected. When I went back (why do we keep going back?!) Gave him another chance, he was more careful for awhile, then started cutting me again. I complained; same conversation. He lacks empathy, can’t admit he makes mistakes, or say sorry. I am never going back. It took some therapy to make a stand like this.
My mom would gaslight me and always say “You’ll know when you have your own kids”..and thats exactly what happened, I realized all the abuse I had to put up with as a kid.
My mom said the same thing and was gaslighting me too. she is one of those people that everyone likes so they don’t see that side of her. God I didn’t know how much emotional abuse that I had till I asked other people about their parents.
@@antoniotolentino8108I used to think the physical turned emotional abuse was normal behavior but when I got into a relationship that really changed my perspective on everything. All the pain that my parents had caused. The reason the physical abuse turned emotional is because I got physically stronger as i got older and my mom developed a fear that I may kill her ( strange asf I know right ?)
My mom said the same things to me and is now crying about grandchildren and wondering why I don’t want kids. Um, maybe because you made me feel like I was the child of satan and that anything I produce would be worse…
People always told me that no good deed goes unpunished. It took until 3 years ago to hear the expression properly as "unrewarded," so I understand completely.
ah yes, the fuckening defined by ''things can not possibly go that well, surely the universe is up to no good to balance this'' the fuckening is always lurking
Good God, I thought I was the only one who believes this. Kinda sad but also kinda relieved. I feel like life isn't ALLOWED to be too good for too long and if something good happens I immediately wait for the bad to come, or kinda self sabotage so I don't have to face something worse in the future. Dang.
As a hispanic I really wish that a lot of things considered abuse are labeled "part of our culture." I love my family but I every day I realize how badly this has hurt me. So many parts of this were relatable. Culture is not an excuse to abuse your family.
I’m not Hispanic but I agree. My best friend is an immigrant from Mexico. I was telling her about how I was hit over the head with a broom as a child (the plastic part that held the bristles cut my head open), and it was traumatic for me. (Triggered trichotillomania, for one.) My bestie laughed and said she was raised where hitting kids with brooms was normal! She said she realized as a younger parent that she didn’t want to raise her kids the same way she was raised, and actually went to parental counseling to learn better ways of disciplining her children.
thank you bro, sm shit that we grew up with is so normalized ??? like i deadass grew up thinking emotional and verbal neglect was normal. And not to mention whenever there is a “creepy” family member yknow what i mean? like that one weird pedo uncle, it’s just brushed off like it’s nothing cause “they’re family”. it’s disgusting. and sad.
My boyfriend is Mexican and I even witness the everyday abuse that you are speaking of when I see him. Hell I’m German and I come from a heavily abusive background.
I did it: She told me I was a tired princess who wanted to on knightly adventures, leaving behind my castle and princess. But couldn't. I guess I feel Trapped..? I dont know what else it could mean.
Intellectually I'm quite bright, emotionally I'm a quiet 8 year old. I cry when I watch these videos, not sobbing it's a cleansing cry. The kind of cry, you don't realize is happening, until the tears are running down your face, neck and then drop. I'm 55 and the last 1.5 years have been the most emotionally healthy I've ever been. Thank you Mr. Patrick and people like you in the comments.
Shit man Soo it's helped you ? I had that happen lately That type of emotion wasn't encouraged growing up i haven't any worry of anyone else seeing it. I spend quite a bit of time with a Rhodesian and a Redbone coon hound they genuinely love and care about me The hound will come up and rub her face on mine she's got more love in her than most of the people that I thought loved me put together seems like about anything will cause it I don't really enjoy it But if yall say it'll help lift this black cloud surrounding me ill go with it when I can I have absolute intentions on living however I believe I will welcome graduating from this realm especially if it were to protect someone I've caused trauma I still very much love and miss dearly
@@lgd4247 the one who hangs around me i reckon is only part Rhodesian he's lighter and smaller than the small African Rhodesian Only other male I've seen match his grit and drive was a thw named ebonys time around he was runner up in 1986 for wgc Had a hot wire around his stall and a Shepard hook hung on the wall next to Jim door most people wouldn't dream of opening that door I was 11 or 12 id go down fetch him out and lead him up to the cross ties he never actually made action to hurt me he'd act like he was I believe he wanted to see fear in me like everyone else often wonder how many times he'd been cycled back to this realm he had an intelligence more sentient any other
Listen to them and make them feel safe, loved, respected and heard. That's about it in a nutshell, these problems come from parents who care more about themselves so you don't need to worry 😊
I am convinced that 90% of the problems in society originated in the HOMES; abuse of whatever form, is a torch that is passed from one generation to another; the only way to brake the cycle is to learn WHY we do and feel the way we do, and WHO we modeled ourselves after; and WHAT was the suspected goal to be achieved; HOW was the pattern established and WHERE of course, is the HOMES!!!
I agree. Multigenerational trauma is real. If you've not heard about Gabor Maté, his work affirms your statement. I think it will resonate with you (it's very healing too). UA-cam offers a ton of his lectures and interviews.
It's sad that abuse still often isn't taken that seriously (in my experience at least). People just nonchalantly say "well that sucks," "oh me too," "it's just tough love," "no parent is perfect. they're doing their best" etc. Even if you call CPS, they don't really do anything impactful unless someone's about to die from physical abuse...
@@naritruwireve1381 :'/ yes, I agree Also the negetion about trauma, my mother said to me like, oh but have never suffered (because of monetary and comodities that they hadn't....) But I got into stuff that they just omitted, and it was sad to hear that from her...
I am a childfree woman. All my life I was getting sex-shaming messages from my mother, that I must not have sex, I should not get pregnant. She didn't let me use tampons. She could not discuss anything on the topic of sexuality and womanhood without cringe. Then all of a sudden she tells me: " I want to be a grandmother!". I am like, how does it work in your head? I was shoked by the "I" statement. Like "I want you to sacrifice your body for my ego boost".
I'm a 50yo child free male with practically the same story, which makes me feel extra gross and weird. Mom finally killed herself this past March after I spent 50 years taking care of her. Cut me out of the will because i wouldn't sleep with her. Not trying to 1 up you, it's just painful still. She made the 2 women I brought home feel badly, never again
I'm so sorry you went through that. I have two grown daughters and I couldn't imagine doing that to either one of my girls. You are whole, you are seen & heard. Big hugs Namaste 🙏
Most powerful quote ever on the origins of worthlessness: “A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience. She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious or otherwise ill suited to the task, and she is all alone in this scary world, or that she herself is to blame for, well, everything. As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option, is not an option at all. Better to believe, “it’s my fault, I’m bad”, which lets you believe theres the chance that “if I work hard and be good I will be lovable.” Thus even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnosis and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.” ~Dr. Gabor Mate from the book The Myth of Normal
I, a grown ass 30 yr old man, started crying half way through. Inside I'm still a teenager trying to fix my depressed, suicidal mother. I've been trying to "fix" every woman I've ever been in a relationship with as a proxy for my mom. I've never understood this about myself.
31 here and right there with you, fella. Effectively a 1:1 predicament. It's so entrenched that I rarely even register attraction to women who appear to be without psychological dysfunction. The kicker is that when you're drawn to fixing someone, every relationship is neccesarily broken from the start. For now I've (somewhat sombrely) settled into not acting on that sense of intimate allure when it crops up to spare myself the cycle. While I incidentally learned a lot by the end, my 20s went to waste so I could cling to that hope for attaining repair.
Oh damn! That sucks, but makes PERFECT sense. If it helps, many women have some form of Daddy Issues going on. (Positive OR Negative.). I expect that really makes it hard to spot.
@@stompinknowledge3968 it’s natural to recreate trauma in order to try and resolve it. You knowing that IS the solution. So you’re already where you want to be ☺️ even though I don’t need fixing, I still need a partner for other reasons. So know that even women who don’t *need* you will still “need” you. Don’t worry ♥️
@@stompinknowledge3968 Dude, consider yourself lucky. At least you got to experience things; I was 29 when I had my first kiss. The damage done to me was THAT BAD.
My parents divorced but I'll take it a step further and say parents who should've never met. I still believe my mom should've aborted me to save herself the misery of being stuck with my dad for all these years, even after divorce. She never got to find herself and just be happy and because of that i have suffered. I suffered because of both my parents for different reasons.
I was the kid who desperately wanted my parents to divorce. I fantasized about having two separate houses to go to where I wouldn’t be in the middle of all the fighting and I could go to my parents for stuff and get what I wanted from each one. Like getting toys from my dad and getting less yelling from my mom.
I wished and encouraged my mom to divorce my dad. When she finally told him, we were so scared that we were waiting with our jackets on, car running and packed, ready to run as far as we could. We never needed to run, but I'm sure that paints a good picture of how my family was when I was younger 😅
Same thing I’m going through now except they were never married 🤣🤣😭 and now she’s suprised that I am in a toxic relationship myself and says that I need therapy. I can’t believe she thinks this all started with me
For me, #1 was more “Love is real for everyone else, just not me”. As a kid, I could see love in movies and hear it in songs, and I knew the importance of being with people you love. I could daydream about it, but I didn’t believe it was meant for the me in reality. I assumed that I shouldn’t want love or even care about it. Thanks for the video!! Now I’m aware of more healing I need to do 💚💛
@@abbieamavi ua-cam.com/video/0BtOY3Wr2LU/v-deo.html On a sincere note, I’m sending strength and clarity your way, to see past the lies that wounds tell and to get yourself through to the other side because you deserve better 💙
w(°ｏ°)w Ages ago (or perhaps even yesterday), I put prose to paper and penned 'A Different Kind of Lonely', a poem I inexorably jotted down while my espresso brewed. Not for academic purpose, nor emotional hijacking or inner validation. It was simply to be HEARD. (Even if by my 'ears' alone) It was a wistful acknowledgement of my many friends and family, and greater sense of isolation I felt the larger the crowd of my loved ones grew.
“Children are to be seen, not heard.” My parents always did that, it made me learn to not voice my thoughts and feelings and to just hide in the corner. I’m almost 20 right now and most of my family still treats me like that, like my feelings and opinions don’t matter, unless I agree with them of course.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. My parental units still do this and I'm almost 33. I've had to learn how to navigate their guilt-responses and limit our interactions as an adult because one of them still cannot fathom that I am an adult and not a child they can manipulate emotionally. I've given up on getting accountability from them and am focusing on ensuring I follow through with consequences when they break established boundaries. I hope you are able to find a way to thrive and find your voice soon.
My parents had 5 children in less than 8 years and I am the oldest. I was changing cloth nappies just before my 6th birthday. I was a very capable child but when my mother left our father my world came tumbling down. She moved herself and us then 5 children in with her parents and her mother was a very controlling person. My mother then expected me to be a child at the age of 13 despite the outrageous responsibilities she imposed on me as a little girl. I loathe to admit this but I carry a deep-seated hate for the woman. Never had a chance from the gate.
When I tried to talk to my mother about my abuse, she said this almost word for word: “are you sure this isn’t something You’ve invented to be anxious about?” Like wow, she summed up everything I know about her in just one sentence. Neglect, denial, gaslighting. All hallmarks of her parenting style.
How about "you're making something out of nothing." With the help of this channel and others I've worked out this was a way to distance themselves from opening up, cause if you do that you may be wrong, kids idolize their parents, and weak parents feed off that. Maybe that's a feature that should be removed in the next patch.
Yeah, I have a hard time with that and my life was impacted significantly because of that first one too. I have a lot of work to do! Thanks for sharing. I was wondering if anyone else felt like crying. Hugs : )
all the signs and timestamps! #6 1:27 "The real you isn't acceptable." #5 6:04 "Good things won't last." #4 12:10 "You are not enough." #3 18:39 "The sexual you is bad/sex is bad." #2 25:16 "People don't want to know you." #1 30:14 "Love isn't real." got dam thanks for the likes /gen
Lol alot of these things are very logical though and make sense. 1. The real you isn't acceptable - alot of people in this life and society won't accept the real us throughout life they prefer to control us and us to be having same opinions, same thoughts and want to take away our individuality. 2. Good things won't last - yes, they don't, neither do bad things lol, nothing in this world is permanent ♾ and forever. Sadness and happiness are not gonna last forever and people in our lives don't last in it forever either. Friendships, relationships, marriages, are clearly not lasting forever unless people are controlled well and lying well or having something in it for them they don't want to give up on at all costs. Ppl can die even. We also don't last forever. Cheers ;>🥂 3. You are not enough - actually that's true 💯, you cannot be enough surrounded by narcissistic and selfish people. 🌚 You can never be good enough for them no matter how hard you try to be perfect 👌🏻 for them. 😅 Alot of times you can't be good enough for a certain job or a degree or a career. ;} Sometimes you're not even good enough for yourself and your own wishes. 🤷🏻♀️ 4. The sexual you is bad/sex is bad - that's true 💯 in many circumstances! Alot of times people are using others for gaining sexual experiences while lying to them that their connection is alot more than just that. 👁️ 👄 👁️ 👍🏻Also sex can lead to various of bad consequences! Unwanted pregnancies, diseases, total regret, being used, sexual abuse, sexual pressure, uti, pain, bad decisions, infections, loosing yourself in places and relationships you shouldn't be in. 🤷🏻♀️ 5. People don't want to know you? It can be true 💯 can be not. Depending on the people you're interacting with. Most people need to know you to understand how to use you well and take advantage of being in your presence! 😉 Some need to partly know you when you're applying for a job or a study while others just for fun, gossip, boredom etc or cause they need new friends. 🌚 Some get to know you even tho they don't even care about you fr. So yeah that's not entirely true. Ppl wanna get to know you but most of them not for the right reason you think. ;} 6. Love isn't real - now this one is totally true 🗿 bc we all know that unconditional love doesn't exist. There are always reasons 🌚 why people are gathering together, dating, getting in rs etc.. You can say welp but love doesn't have to be unconditional. But take away the conditions and there will be no "love" anymore. ;} Science and biology shown us what we call "love" actually is. It is basically a hormonal drug combined with reasons. The reasons can be very valid btw. That doesn't mean what humans call "love" can't be accepted. ™ It can and is pretty accepted. Just everyone should make a decision themselves whatever they want this or not. 🗿If they wanna take that risk and drown in that sweet delusional fantasy or prefer to stay sane and free. ;>🥂 (nobody has to agree with me at all im just sharing my personal knowledge here thanks to the internet lol) have a great day 👍🏻
"Experiencing sex as an exchange", instead of mutually fulfilling...explains my married life so well. Coming from a home where I didn't matter, this was how I continued my unknowing mistreatment of myself.
"Parents who expressed love to you but didn't back it up with loving behavior" The key phrase I heard regarding this point was "we are not laughing at you, we're laughing with you" in moments where I'd be ridiculed in front of the family. Such BS.
@@alison9189 I'm working with a therapist now and I feel so much better. There's hope and healing after an abusive childhood .. I wish you the best on your journey to healing. 💙
My parents constantly told me the other parent really loved me. Neither acted like they did. To this day I don't trust that emotion. Thank you for this video.
I realized I was emotionally abused by my mother years ago, but holy shit, so many anxieties and behaviors I thought were just part of my personality are actually symptoms of abuse. It feels very bittersweet to learn this, thank you.
@christineribone9351 I'm 68 and had years of inept therapy that never addressed the Complex-PTSD. Joy to finally know what happened and grief. "Any day now, any day now, I shall be released."
I wish there were more jungian therapists and that therapy was more affordable and normalized. I see the demand for this content and dialogue growing enormously over the next few decades.
I'm halfway through an audiobook of 'A Life of Meaning' by James Hollis, I've always been drawn to Jung but it's wonderful to finally be exploring things like 'Shadow work' in a serious manner. My optimism tells me that the average ability of a consumer to understand and apply concepts like those found in Jung's work has already grown and will continue to do so the more humans are raised comfortably with modern information density
Yes! I feel like I intuitively understand what I need to do in order to recover and I'm waiting for the limited resources we so over-generously refer to as the "mental healthcare system" (which I see as an oxymoron) to catch up or realize just how wrong they've got it. I'm acutely aware of the fact that the single biggest hurdle healthcare in general faces (and mental healthcare in particular gets sidelined by) is the for-profit capitalization of the industry. When the people who need the help the most also have the fewest resources, charging baller money for an hour of chat seems way too much like an indulgence rather than a necessity -- you know, like our version of an ego trip to space?
@@codacreator6162 I think you're right on every count. Being that I'm autistic, queer, and frankly magically inclined, it feels inevitable that I also align as Left-Anarchist
I have had luck finding jungian therapy ideas in some of the more recent modalities, like Gestalt, IFS and AEDP. As for cost, going to a place that has counseling interns is the way to go! Because I agree, the shadow work is so important, inner child work is so important, and even with many insurances thorough mental health care is too expensive.
@@karenmatuska3812 I've luckily managed to find a psychodynamic therapist who has a good amount of experience, who offers video/phone sessions at a more affordable rate than I've found before. Best of luck to all of you!
I did as well (in some ways harder as she has ASD and I have ADHD). But I refuse to pass on my demons to the greatest extent possible, though I’m sure I have done damage just by not learning about this stuff much sooner.
I have always received conditional love, even in attempts at relationships. I keep hearing, "you're pretty for a dark girl," "I don't mess with women who wear glasses," and "If you permed your hair and got some fake nails, then you could get a man." The objectification is exhausting, especially when people drone at me that I don't know my own value. The commodification of black women is truly demoralizing.
I am very sorry that you have to go through that, and that it feels demoralizing to you. I just wanted you to know that you absolutely do have value, you do matter, and that I heard you. Even though we will never meet and I don’t know you, I love you unconditionally as a fellow human being, and hope that you may love yourself unconditionally and truly, as your own opinion on yourself is the most important one. ✌️❤️💐
Black women are objectified by black women and men. This is not only the mentality in the US, it’s the mentality in Africa as well. Try visiting Sudan if you want to have an idea on how far that goes.
@Claudine, I have traveled to Ghana twice and see gorgeous women putting synthetic weaves in their hair. I know some countries have shade issues and am fully aware that this is a result of British colonization. Believe me, there are plenty of educated, eloquent, talented black women in the United States who know their worth as a human being and are living out single, dignified lives by washing their hands of those who would treat them as less than. Anybody who sees me as the wrong color/tone isn't invited to stay in my life. If all they want is skin tone, they can marry a cardboard box and steer clear of me. Thank you for your encouragement. 💖
ALL women it happens to ALL women. In one form or another:( Take care of yourself Gail and know that I was told I would grow to be short..fat and bowlegged and not wife material. That sort of comments stay with you. I am part French and Indian(NA).
Sad by who's standard? A safe and stable home where parents sacrifice their personal ambitions, or live within their means, for the sake of the family is a virtue not a failure.
@@kdurston1 It's more about how the parents perceive their own life. Some people genuinely want to do certain things, which as most things in life, have some degree of risk associated. The problem comes usually in those that have generalized anxiety or catastrophizing thought patters, where even the smallest risk is dissected and all the improbable what-if situations are given too much consideration, making even actions that are moderately risky and taken by a considerable portion of the population seem scary. Thus the person gets afraid and settles for what they consider to be the safer/less troublesome/less hard to get path, which might actually have higher risks or detrimental effects in the long term than the "risky option". The whole idea is that fear is what runs the choices of these people, and as they accumulate unwanted "safe" choices, they end up living a life they do not truly enjoy, while at the same time instilling the same fear and modelling that this is the right course of action for their children. To put it in a simple metaphor: eating only boiled fish and vegetables everyday might be heatlhy, but it will end up frustrating you, while throwing in a barbeque or some cake once in a while won't take away from your overall health, but it will make you much more satisfied with your diet. Risks are not always bad. Pursuing anything that is hard to achieve is a risk, but with it also comes the satisfaction of getting it, or at least knowing you tried and not living with the regret. Those who have parents who led "safe and sad" lives will feel like they don't have the right to pursue what they truly want if there is an easier to get less risky option and they will feel like they have to settle. And that kind of life doesn't lead to any satisfaction.
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with bipolar. Spent my whole life fighting bipolar. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
100% agree I used to have Psychosis and paranoid thoughts like "people thinking about me talking about me etc. Very odd behavior after getting off Adderall from 7-16. Antidepressants at 18-29. 31 now. I took way to much, but took about 20g of Gold caps (Psilocybin containing mushroom) I analyzed my entire life. The emotions that came out helped me understand behavior etc more. Wont ever need to do it again because I'm happy and contempt forever, but I wish more people did this to alter their perception of reality. Would help with healing much trauma
I would like to know from those who have solved PTSD and anxiety, if they have solved it definitively and how to understand what quantity of psilocybin to take and when, for how long. And can you really heal without having an addiction? Thanks to everyone for helping me understand, I want to understand if it's something that can help me solve the problem (I have c-ptsd)
As an adult looking back at my childhood, all I can remember are a few blurry memories. And shame. Neverending shame. Shame was my constant companion. Shame had a seat next to me at the dinner table. I quickly learned that my feelings, fears and stressors were absolutely meaningless, because "You're just a kid! You don't have a job! You don't know what fear or stress is." So I learned to shove everything down and pretend to be normal. I feel an ocean of pain and torment beneath the surface and I'm terrified of what I would do if I let it all out.
Let it out (in healthy ways). You need to heal. You can't heal if the infection doesn't get treated, it will just spread unto every area of your life unfortunately.
You have to let it out. I had the same issue but I chose to do boxing and I am a woman.I have never lashed out to anyone but when my buttons where pushed I say few words but the words are so deep and my body language would even match my emotions.
"Parents have no respect for your belongings" My mother once ripped up something I owned in a rage because I was a distracted child in church and she started wrecking my stuff. For the most part she's a loving mother but on some days she read my diaries and didnt speak to me for a whole day after seeing something written about her and made me apologize for my feelings at the time. It was invalidating and disrespectful looking back....i havent been able to journal or be honest about my feelings even in private because I still feel like someone's gonna see what I wrote/think
Abusive people can be loving. It's called honey moon phase. Cartoon evil villain people for the most part don't exist. Most cases of abuse are done by people who think they love, but they don't actually know how or care to understand what love is. Under no circumstances was that acceptable to do to a childs things I'm so sorry that you are in a state that you can't even write down in a journal for fear of someone seeing. That's not okay, that's fight/flight response for an outlet everyone should feel free to have.
Turn the journaling into a book make up characters and have them act out you’re life then one of the characters is u and then when they talk it’s actually what you’re thinking/feeling but to others they’d only think it was a book in progress That’s such an invasion of privacy with her doing that which could actually make someone become even more secretive
I'm so sorry to hear that. Parents often don't understand that children absolutely need their privacy. Nothing pisses me off more than when parents go through their kids stuff without their permission
My childhood friend went out for the day and I watch her mom sneak her diary out from under her bed and pick the lock, reading it in front of me..with no remorse. This mom was basically my second mom, and I watched her do these things a lot. I feel what you mean about not being able to journal for fear of someone finding it. The young brain soaks in everything it sees, and it's unfortunate that these adults didn't respect their children or use the golden rule.
I am a 26-year-old adopted Native American. I had nine other siblings all girls and half of us were adopted for money from my neglectful and abusive adopted parents. Not cooking for us, no attention, beatings, and divorce I feel like I won the childhood trauma lottery. You videos are precious to me bc you at bare minimum show that I’m Not alone in my experiences and that is beautiful. Thank you :’)
Hey Cole, I read what you wrote carefully. I congratulate you on being here, watching a video in an attempt to understand yourself better and improve too. I congratulate you on expressing yourself so eloquently, honestly and kindly. Your motivation to live a successful life is admirable. I wish you a deep healing and discovery of your true self, courage, love and joy.
The sexual one hit close. I was molested around the age of 6 and instead of getting adequate help for it, I was mocked and shamed, made to find my own responsibility in it (even as adult in therapy) etc.
No one DESERVES to have their innocence STOLEN .. period. I'm sorry you were put through that. You are a part of creation, worthy of love, respect and dignity. Keep talking. It may take a while, but with supportive friends and a loving, patient partner to make some better memories healing is possible.
I only realised this about myself fairly recently. I was a bit older than you, but buried it in my subconscious for years, and since have slowly been working things out. Had two 'proper' relationships, one lasting most of my adult life, which broke down during the recall phase. Can't imagine having one night stands, nothing wrong with it, just not for me. The self loathing and issue comes from the fact that it was a male that abused me, and I'm a male too, although heterosexual. I think I associate with my abuser because of this, and worry that unless a potential partner approaches me first , I'll never know that they know my intentions are genuine, and it's definitely consensual, if that makes sense. It's made things difficult, considering males are/have been expected to make most of the running in the culture I live in, and not doing so is usually interpreted as non interest. I don't consider this to be the worst scenario however, which helps me when I'm mindful of it. It might have added complications if I was homosexual, and I've spoken to many women abused by men and I think at least two have said they've not been able to enjoy any sex life at all because of what happened to them.
@@jimb9063it can certainly be a challenge. Up until I started having a few experiences with good friends I've known and trusted for years I was calling myself "damaged goods" .. believing that I would never heal and no one would want me. I had a friend who felt the same way and so we ended up hooking up. I had a real visceral fear of being abandoned since every time I managed to make new friends my mom would move on to a new boyfriend and we had to move. Couple that with my first sexual experience at 7 being with a 12 year old who mentally and emotionally tortured me for half a weekend, followed by holding me intimately like he desired me? Being held like that was even better than the sex, it was like a switch flipped and I just knew *that's* what I wanted. But no "adult" ever had done any of those things and it set up a nasty conflict in my mind. So anyway, having positive, happy, consensual sexual experiences as an adult with one or two folks I've known and trusted for years is slowly replacing those crappy memories from my childhood. It also helps that things are not just focused on the act, we are affectionate with each other, we share massage, we genuinely care what happens in each other's lives, it's not too much just to ask to be held .. any partner who has been through loneliness can hopefully relate to that. I've never really cared what was between people's legs .. ever since I was young I just wanted to love people anyway. For me it was never *just* the sex .. after being abused I just couldn't see trying to use someone or see myself in a dominant role after witnessing other men treat women poorly.. I have to feel a deep connection or it doesn't seem worth it. (Even though to a certain extent we are ALL using each other during sex to help each other feel good). I am sometimes more aggressive but it's always in the context of watching feedback from my partner .. if they show any hesitation at all I ask or change what I am doing. I've even held their hand depending on what I'm doing which is a good indicator if someone is actively interested or frozen in trauma since I'm not the only one who has been though rough times growing up. It's made me relatively happy .. to finally get to be close to people, to hold them and nuzzle them and care for them and share pleasure. I know that I AM desired and I am capable of healing. It just takes a bit more patience and the ability to be honest. When I was finally able to have others bear witness to what I went through, that seemed to be a turning point. You are not alone .. in a room of 6 people at least one of them has experienced trust issues or abuse around sex and/or relationships. It IS possible to heal 🙏❤️
Oh geesh, I think I scared y'all off .. I'm sorry your first experiences weren't good, but no one should be ashamed of wanting to feel good and wanting to share with someone else .. Now you have a better understanding of who you are, hopefully a better sense of control and what you want out of life you can have more positive experiences. "I am not what happened to me, I am who I choose to become." I share a lot because I hate the way society treats sex as taboo. If we don't at least acknowledge it that can enable all sorts of bad behaviors. Everyone has to learn somehow, I just hope those first experiences can be as positive as possible and folks don't feel taken advantage of.
I’ve always felt guilty for being repulsed and disgusted by expressions of love. I thought it made me some sort of cold, monstrous person. This was really validating and helpful to hear.
Hugging people became popular in the 1980s. You know, hugging friends and everybody else. My parents started hugging us. It was so WEIRD. I would feel like my mom's hand were clatchy claws (phrase from TSElliot) when she did that. Thanks, don't hug me, I'm good.
I feel the same way. I was never hugged and both of my parents showed unavailable and hostile/ indifferent behavior. There were jokes around expressions of love or sex. Like it was repulsive, fake, gross. My mother constantly expressed the repulsion she felt with my dad, calling him (and his body) gross, fat etc. I'm 40 years old and have not been able to actually be intimate with someone... I tried, but I'm just too traumatized. The consqequence of this is : no children. I too felt like I was a monster towards my partner for feeling these feelings, but it is trauma, taught behavior. I hope I can "unlearn" it. But so far I haven' t been successful, even after years of therapy.
When I was pregnant with my son at 33, I went to my mom to tell her, I waited 4 months outta fear. After I told her, she started shaking and said, “Can you have an abortion for me”.. I remember crying in the car when I went back home, I just prayed is that I want my son to not suffer like I’ve had in life, really not knowing what that meant. I’m now 40 and after her overly making me look like a bad parent and her a great one it took me awhile to realize it’s never been me! It’s her! She’s never given me any advice about anything. She’s lied to me my whole life. My dad would always be like be nice to your mom. It took me being a mom, to find myself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry or even give me a hug. I never thought about it . Praying for everyone for healing as well.
I am so sorry. You like every human being deserved a loving mother. There must have been something very wrong with her to be that avoidant and heartless. I'm happy you can recognize her behaviour as sick. Sending a hug you very much deserve.
I can't stand romantic comedies. I get ANGRY. 'cause that ain't real. Which, in the case of movies might be true, but I get unreasonably angry to the point I have to leave. and then I cry, because I'm not worth it. told my T last week that it's not just the sex, I don't think anyone would even want to live with me! let alone build a life! my inner child is so lonely, thank you for seeing her
@Amy Singer Wow that really hit home… what are you doing to help your inner child? Or a direction I can go towards to reach my inner child? Unfortunately, the area I’m currently in there is hardly any counselors and the demand is so high that I’m lucky to get 30 min a month with mine 😞
I feel ya. Rom-coms are so stupid. ugh. I want to tell the cute little heroine, :Sure, go ahead and get married. See what happens THEN. Good luck, honey. You so dumb.
My siblings didn't experience the abuse as I did. They're all messed up from her, but I was a scapegoat for whatever reason. It's even more traumatizing when your brothers & sisters say "That didn't really happen to you, or you're making it up....why are you exaggerating?'. It makes you not want to speak to these people ever again.
@@nardbd7 that's what I did. I just don't talk to them because I don't feel mentally safe around them, you know 😐my feelings get too hurt. and everyone says you know thats your family thats your family! but my family is no good for me so you're absolutely right
"A background assumption that even strangers aren't into you". That hit so close to home that I'm charging it rent. I tried expressing that feeling to a friend, and she said I was being self-centred. It's such a strange and difficult feeling to articulate, thank you for bringing it up and giving some background to it/validating it. And a further thank you for all your videos.
I’m sorry someone called you self centred for that. Trauma can present as that for me, and it makes it hard to sustain adult friendships with people who didn’t experience this kind of childhood.
I dont think your friend is very supportive hon. I'm trying to tell myself they just dont understand but were damaged and healing and sometimes let people in that we shouldn't because we think the criticism is caring or love. We sometimes think mistreatment is love because it's all we know ♥️
“I tried expressing that to a friend.” I understand completely. Unless a person is in that situation they’ll never understand. It’s so complex and almost impossible to express fully. That’s why we feel so lonely at times. Much love to you.
Thanks so much, y'all are too kind. That interaction happened about a decade ago when we were in high school, so I don't necessarily blame her for not understanding complex psychology/trauma...it did still hurt at the time though. Luckily I'm now surrounded by people who are all the exact opposite of her!
Religious trauma really played into number 6 for me in my life. I "couldn't" be me because my "family would disown me" and "I would go to hell" etc etc.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. Parents should treat their child as if they’re a fellow, equally valuable, regardless of sexual orientation, human being and not a doll to play house with. Sending love your way my friend.
“Feeling stuck about exploring, like in writing or art or music….” Omg I literally was just thinking about how I grew up never being able to put a pencil down (always drawing) and how as an adult I don’t anymore and I just feel stuck. Like the passion is gone but I still want to draw, I just can’t seem to make myself do it anymore. 😱 Also, I am in the process of writing a book and I just feel stuck, like I’m avoiding it but don’t know why, and I love to write! All these videos are making my brain 🤯
I was into writing and music..I am getting back into it because my mom discouraged music (probably cause it involved me making noise and having to leave the house and thus not be around to take care of her for a few hours each week) and would roll her eyes at the idea that I wanted to write. I started writing at age 6.
Same for me, I drew a lot and wrote stories when I was a child, now I just can't, something stops me every time even though I really would like to write my own book and/or work in some creative field.
Not pursuing my passions has been a form of a self neglect and abuse. Perhaps you are ignoring yourself from low self esteem due to childhood trauma? That's how it was/is for me. ❤
Me too. Writer. Years of my parents' fears of: How will you support yourself? How will you make money? We won't take care of you/support you. You will have to be a writer alone. You can't write a book. We won't be there...and so on. I never wrote anything and now I am 61. I love to write when I do it. Then I have the tape in my head, as above. Stop writing. I have a lifetime of empty journals.
I was psychologically and emotionally abused when I was in elementary school. No one believed me for years, not even my first therapist, who didn't take seriously my panic attacks, stomach pain, depressive and suicidal thoughts. Changed therapist and she finally diagnosed me with CPTSD. I'm currently healing.
I was just diagnosed with PTSD. Medication is helping but I still am continuing therapy and research. Also your school tramua is valid because some children could have a learning disorder without any help (example- if your parents said no to an IEP despite continuing to be strict about grades) Another example could be bullying. Some child might also dissociate during school work and be blamed and scolded for it.)
Did you’re parents tell the first therapist what u were going to talk about ahead of time they could have tainted their view of u so whatever u said looked like a lie
Thanks for all the kind messages. It was unfortunately a huge combination of many mistreatments, coming from many different people over the years, and since being mistreated was my "normal" and I wasn't taken seriously as a little kid, I just blamed all my distress on my hypersensitivity. Yes, my parents do have some level of responsibility in all of this but we are working this out together with a very good psychologist, dietician and physiotherapist. The results are showing and I'm slowly building a new relationship w my parents and myself.
I also wish u safety and stability.... I hope u get to cry out some of that pain..... Good luck, searching for your inner peace, and I hope u have fun along the way
#1 all the way. I have parents who should have divorced but thought they were being good for me by sticking together. You know there's something wrong when a 10 year old is asking their parents to divorce and they respond saying "all love is abusive by your definition of abuse, grow up"
I don't remember what my parents said, but I did ask them kindly to divorce when I was 9, offering to love them even more separately when they are happier with new partners. Well, if this isn't the definition of failure of marriage, I don't know what is. I feel for you, no child should ever have to sit their parents down like that, and even more so, be ignored.
@@jennajoseph893 I do, and thank you for taking the time to tell me that and validate my experience. Never underestimate the impact of kind people on the internet:) I do hope that you are doing ok. How are you?
My aunt's and such would also try this. Or try to flip the script "you should forgive them" "you should look inside yourself" "be more Christian" "why are you so angry" And they'd go off about "how I was angry and not controlling myself", as third parties, when I'd literally not done anything and it was my abusive mother or her kids doing non-sense while I was bewildered, like what are you talking about? And they'd go on and on to try to manipulate me and restart the cycle of abuse.
My mom says this about my emotionally abusive older brother, he's broken her things and he smokes weed and drinks all the time and trashes her house and she just lets him do whatever he wants. I still have a broken mirror and door because I blocked his number and all she asked me was to unblock his number so I've been beyond betrayed by own mother and I don't love my brother because he's not changing and I accept that.
My entire life has been a war between hating my mother or my father, or both. I was kept away from my father just long enough to feel nothing but an ever present annoyed tolerance from him. When in reality I owe a good deal of my well off teen years to his work. In spite of not being there. I loved my mother like a child ought to, and only until I watched her drink herself into a stupor and hit my sister did I begin to hate who she became. I feel the need to distance from her and let her know what she did was wrong, but part of me can't let the idealic false hope of my childhood go. There is no shame. Just grief. Endless grief.
So many of these hit home, I remember being a young child and begging my parents to get divorced. I told them that we would all be happier and that it would even be fun for me and my little sister to have 2 homes or new stepparents/stepsiblings. They would always scream that they were going to get divorced -in fact when I was 8 and had to stay home from school because I had swine flu, they burst into my room screaming that they were getting a divorce as if I wasn’t already uncomfortable being so sick…It took them 9 years after that to finally do it. They always said they stayed together for us but even as a kid I knew they were just scared of change. Blows my mind to think I had to be that self aware and mature as a child because nobody else around me was.
I understand completely, I was daydreaming about being taken away by child services because I firmly believed that would be a relief compared to what I was living in. I was about 10. None of their misery was ever your fault, in fact, I realized that staying in contact with them doesn't ease any of their misery now.
@@OceanIgs I know, right? Anybody would have done, really. How I envied my classmates who were friends with their moms and talked about clothes and boys with them. I was a child but already fully aware what was happening. We grew up too fast, I guess.
I started watching this video and was like "I'm probably lying to myself about childhood trauma anyways" and then couldn't finish it bc I was crying 5 minutes in..
is that a thing with traumatic childhoods? that we think it wasn't that bad or not as bad as we think? I guess a part of me feels why should it matter anyways?
@@suzaruwrx81 it is a thing and it's called "imposter syndrome." It has many forms. For some people, you feel like an imposter or like you're faking things or making a big deal out of things when they're really no big deal or overplaying what you experienced. For other people, you may feel like you're an imposter among the people who are diagnosed - you may feel like you are being a hypochondriac, that you're making up your symptoms or your brain is forcing you to relate to these things because you want to "belong" and that what you experienced isn't actually that bad, or downplaying what happened to you.
@@taylorbritt499 thanks for that response! I've heard of imposter syndrome, but not in that sense. I don't really fit a diagnosis for PTSD and I wouldn't say my childhood as a whole was traumatic, rather a bunch of experiences that in itself were traumatic. but as I get older and things come together, things are becoming clearer. it's weird.
"would you say that to a kid" - that's how I got in touch with how unhappy I was! I've always wanted to have kids, but found myself thinking I shouldn't because it would break my heart for a kid to grow up to be unfulfilled and lonely and feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. Then I realized what I was saying was "it would break my heart if my child ended up feeling the way I do now", which sort of blew my mind because I'd been telling myself I was "fine" for so long.
When he said talk to your inner child and close your eyes and imagine who you want to be made me fucking cry. A lot. I just wanted to have supportive friends like i did in elementary.
This literally made me cry. I can’t believe how much I relate to these. Something that stuck out with the was the “being shamed for your gender.” I was born female, grew up as a female and still identify as a female but my father would ridicule me for liking “girly” things. I never understood and never will understand why I was shamed for being “too girly of a girl.”
Girls are brought down for liking ANYTHING.. Whether it’s the colour pink or it’s boy bands whatever it is, people try and belittle what they like and them for liking it. There’s a lot of misogyny within that.
my sister made herself manly to appeal to my father, and accused me of "putting on being feminine" but then was jealous because men looked at me and not her. just one very small example of the insanity that was my childhood.
in a different vein, I was criticized for being a TOM BOY because I loved playing and climbing trees and was athletic...even being accused by my mother of being a lesbian for this.
My mom ridiculed me too for being a girly girl. I wasn’t allowed to like the color pink or do anything girly. I rebelled completely. I’m extremely feminine and girly as an adult and my mom can go die
My mom taught me that my feelings aren’t as important as other people’s feelings, and she told me to NEVER hurt people - even if it means staying in toxic relationships. She said breaking up with someone would hurt their feelings so when I did end romantic relationships she would scold me for being mean. All of that (on top of sexual abuse and being punished for that, too) I’ve had a complete disconnect between myself and my sexuality. I’m older now and much more in control of myself, but as a young adult I flip flopped between sexual repulsion and being hyper-sexual. Never any balance. Now I’m TRYING to reclaim my sexuality and finish strong with a healthy, passionate sex life, but it’s no easy road getting there. Thank goodness for videos like these! 🙏🏻❤️
4:50 my dad dropped me at university, and we briefly met my flatmates. One was doing criminology in an effort to help women who have been emotionally abused or manipulated. After about two weeks I felt comfortable talking to her a bit and I mentioned that my dad was quite aggressive and manipulative, using some examples. She said to me “omg wow, but when I met your dad he seemed really nice?” And I was like “yeah… he does that.” And I couldn’t really explain it other than “he seems nice but he can be difficult to deal with” but now I know this stuff, so thank you
Oh yes, my dad is the same, he's quite the charmer with other people, in fact both my parents are very pleasant when around other people. It is such a facade.
When Patrick said "can you imagine that wonderful child being not enough" it really clicked. I recognized I had the subconscious idea that I can be safe in my job and relationship only if I'm nearly perfect. But it's obviously wrong. Most people are imperfect but still can survive - so can I. The mere fact that I'm living and experiencing life is wonderful; it's enough. Thank you, Patrick❤
That too. No grades were high enough. Got a 90? Why not a 96. Got a 96? Why not a 99. No matter what - TRY HARDER. Even with shit that didn't even matter. Don't talk back. Do what yer told without question. Hurry up. BE better. And, think about other people's feelings, but fuck yours.
I'm realizing I never had real parent figures in my life. They were all manipulative and shameful. Especially to the girls, they praised the boys, laughed at girls. My mom told me to not wish for daughters because they are so difficult and boys are easier. My dad made me say I loved him and made me tell him I missed him, or made me give him hugs or sit on his lap, or else he got mad and acted sad, my parents always played victim in every situation. I used to think it didn't effect me but It's beginning to be all I can think about. I have friends and a great father figure now who I am able to talk to about this and it helps, but it's still hard. And I often get jelous hearing my friends stories of their fun childhoods with their supportive parents, but at the same it kind of helps me realize what was and wasn't normal ... Or shouldn't have been normal
I don't think it is apropriate to diagnose somebodys parent's from a single UA-cam comment. When somebody has the courage to open up about their past experience, there are so many ways to show sympathy and connect with them. But I really don't think that just commenting your newest discovery from the DSM is a good option. Even if you're trying to help.
To quote one of my favorite TikToks, "Boys are not easier to raise than girls. You just didn't bother with raising boys and now they're a menace to society"
my mother always touches me without my permission. I have told her multiple times to stop and she always takes it personal and gets offended. it hurts me that she has no awareness for the fact that i recoil when she tries to touch me, that she doesn't pick up on my reactions to her behavior even when explicitly stated. she would also manipulate us by having a breakdown and sobbing saying we hate her, then saying she's a bad parent for doing that in front of us so we would comfort her and tell her she's not. i get really upset just talking about it because it still happens multiple times a day where she will touch me and gets snippy if I ask her not to. I can't explain how trapped I feel.
When you said “living in constant fear of being fired from your job” I raised my hands and just smiled because that’s ME. If I am really sick and call in I feel like I’m fired. I just have such a terror of instant poverty. It’s so hard.
"Love isn't real" I try to tell my friends I believed this until I was almost 20 and its so unbelievable to people that its hard to talk about - also seeing happy couples makes me feel so bad that I almost get disgusted at myself that I feel bad about others happiness
I also thought love wasn't real until I met my husband. Former boyfriends were never good to me and my ex husband was neglectful and cheated on me all the time. My current husband showed me love is real and that I am not hard to love as I always believed.
I grew up in abuse, emotional neglect and shame. Highly critical parents who never validated me. Love is so foreign and hard to accept. Now I'm just a love anorexic. Haven't gotten into any relationships for a while. I needed to figure out this feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness
Yep kinda, I wouldnt be sire I have a history of childhood trauma, but my dad did something in particular that Made me constantly question love. Ive realized it's a very confusing matter to me and label myself as aromantic for cconvinience but im not sire how true Is that
@@penyarol83 too sad, hits me every time, yet it's just everywhere, isn't it? give them the iPad/ show them you ultimately like them when they get a high scores on exams/ or worse make them believe their sexual self is where their worth lies/ wanting them to be interested in you & what you have to say but the opposite never happens/ shriek at the sight of 'pretty' children and treat those children differently versus looking at one's own children as 'unattractive' burdens < examples /ways to ruin children's self-worth
@@TejubescDM Hey there, thanks! It's true isn't it? So many of us are not 'seen' and 'heard' and instead are being left to feel unloved through comparisons, outward displays of affection/charm to other people, and we start to wonder what's wrong with US. Then you spend a lifetime trying to explain/ understand your parents' behaviors so that somehow you can find out what YOU did wrong and can somehow make up for it to your parents-when it's very simple: you weren't seen because THEY chose not to see you. Now it's your time to see you. And if you're spiritually inclined, you can try viewing it as 'god sees you', though this may backfire because for many of us god just feels like our parents. It's insidious, really. Developmental trauma takes lots of work and there are so many approaches, really...from inner child therapy, schema therapy, attachment/object relations therapy, mindfulness for trauma, EFT, EMDR, hypnosis, neurofeedback (yes, some therapies for trauma are more 'biologically oriented...'), let's not even start mentioning things like 'somatic experiencing'. All in all I'm figuring out that healing from developmental trauma may just be about noticing the impact of those past experiences on your body and mind (way of perceiving, interpreting events) and to just keep REGULATING so that you don't get into a stuck state and isolate yourself due to shame- which has to be done CONSCIOUSLY through activities such as journaling, yoga, dancing, tai chi, meditation, and other techniques/ practices. Just keep regulating and being patient and compassionate with/to yourself as a sensitive/ vulnerable human being and encourage the 'slightly hopeful' part of yourself to go out and build meaningful relationships that should replace those ones that were toxic: we're social creatures so people can heal people; healthy attachment heals. All the best. Good that you have 'realized'. Question is, what are you doing to heal now? ( and remember it's a journey, healing)
I just cannot fathom being loved. After all, if my own parents couldn't, how could anyone else possibly? They saw the genuine me and decided she wasn't worthy of love or care. So now I put on a mask in front of everyone and no one knows the real me. Not even me. It's safe to love the mask. It is not safe to love me. How lonely it feels. How easy isolating is.
They never saw genuine you. Sick, abusive ppl cannot see genuine others at all. They are such self-centered, so they can only see the illusonal reflection of themselves and the reaction on them in other human being. And of course they hate it, because they hate themselves. They are express same abuse towards themselves as well, reproducing abusive patterns they internalize from their own childhood.
This is me. He said to tell your inner child that you are good enough in this way or that, but I'm actually not. I do not have a realm in which I am doing well, no place to compliment.
I was so scared of getting fired that one day I did actually get fired and it felt amazing. I did cry but afterwords i was relieved bc I did dislike that job.
Tell me about it........ I wasn't fearful work say, butit I knew there was something and someone trying to get me fired. I waited, and waited, and waited until it just got on my nerves until they called me on my way to the airport to go back to work and said I was fired. I got so mad for them wasting my time and making me wake at midnight to head to the airport more than I was about getting fired.......They should have just told me before I booked the ticket....
It's like me! I was so afraid of being expelled from the university to the point of having suicidal thoughts. Now, I dream for this to happen. I'm too spineless to drop out myself, so I'm just hoping. (If anything, this is just russian provincial university, and not some cool college, so I don’t even feel sorry if i'll loose it.)
“If you worry the things that you buy will get damaged or worn down” was NOT something I had expected to be called out for today but I’m so glad to recognize the stress it causes me is for a reason/treatable
Yes, I have this really weirdly badly and never thought to connect it to difficultly committing to new friendships. It does kind of make sense that both are connected to fear of loss from moving house as a child every 2 or 3 years, losing contact with all of my friends in the process. I don't like to take the price tags of clothes because it feels like they're wearing out already.
For me it’s always being angry I never could have anything new. It was always used stuff. From clothes to cars, we could never have anything new. Parents didn’t really back up the “I love you”‘s with action. From age 11 to 17 we moved 3 times and I never was able to form good friendships. Dad got injured at work when I was a teen, and seems to have virtually given up on doing anything. I never realized how much this stuff has affected me. Looking back, I resent my parents for not parenting me, and just letting the chips fall where they may. What is funniest is they said they would have believed they were failed parents because my siblings all had hard lives making bad decisions, but since I never wanted to disappoint them, I was too afraid to do anything ‘bad’. I didn’t have the heart to say they didn’t do a great job with me. I love them, but always have a tiny amount of resentment toward them when I think about that.
Yes. Oh my, that has been something I have struggled with. Especially if they are things I didn't see have as a kid. For about 8 years my mom refused to buy me pajamas. She liked nightgowns and I hated them because they were uncomfortable and not warm. So she didn't buy anything. Sometimes I slept in my gymnastics leotards, until I conned my father out of some old PJs he had. Finally when I was in college she bought me two pajamas, so now I have an enormous number of PJs.
Sometimes my brain still takes over telling me I wasn't abused or it wasn't that bad. Listening to you, and being able to identify with every single one of those things has me in tears because it's a much needed reminder that I did go through trauma most of my life and it was not all okay and it was not something I just had to get over.
And on top of it, your parents constantly praise themselves for being such “great parents”. Yet, I can identify with lol of them and I don’t feel safe talking to my parents either. It’s a sad life/relationship. I love them so much but it so hard to be around them.
When I first met my husband it felt too good to be true to be loved so well. In my mind I felt like Carrie up on that stage, just waiting for pigs blood to get dumped on me. #5 really resonates.
Having a family member that consistently ruined things for you.. I didn’t even realize it was a trauma for me, but I definitely always feel uneasy when things are going well because I “know” it isn’t going to last. I think this stems from having a dad that would always have some kind of angry outbursts or find a reason to severely punish me any time I was really happy or excited about something. I still don’t understand why he was like that.
Cause he’s jealous that you have a happy mental life and he wants to bring you down to his dysfunctional low life so you can turn into him 😒 my mom does the exact same thing and she bosses my dad around he does whatever my mom wants and if he doesn’t she yells at him 🙄 it’s like she’s using him to hurt me whenever I “disrespect” and he gives me harsh punishments to 🙄 It’s like she’s to sensitive to stand up for herself
These are people with traumas too, who are afraid of being leave behind so they are jealous and tried to bring you down if youre happy without them Its toxic love, you are only allowed to love them, be happy with them I have the same dad as yours, we can do it!!! Talk and ill
as a young adult i start to realize i really never asked myself what i want/need bc i spent so much time being told/ learning to put that aside for others. now im learning how to re-parent myself and heal and discover who i am on my own, separate from anyone else’s ideas about me.
This! It took years of therapy for me to get to that exact realisation. I just learned this very thing last autumn in therapy when I was 24 years old (I turned 25 in January), it slowly unravels a life of decisions based on other people’s opinions and inputs, it was so big and scary to realise I never really made a decision for myself based on my own wishes and desires. How I continued with this realisation is that I stop and take a breath and ask myself what do I want when I have decisions to make. It is still a struggle because my first impulse is still to ask other people for their opinion, but then I pause and remember that this decision only affects me, so I can ask myself first.
I struggle with this now. I just never thought about who I wanted to be because I was prepared to be a caretaker for my disabled alcoholic father....11 years later I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be.
Erin Alejandra-- Stay strong because it was the same for me. I had to re--learn everything when I moved from Africa to Europe. It was a lot to learn , learning how to make my own choices and getting so overwhelmed by having to go and buy food, seeing happy families, sleeping when I want to , waking up even I wanted to.
#3 being molested as a child made me highly self-conscious of my appearance. The constant bullying of my Narc mother led me to years of eating disorder and self-hatred.
Your not alone. I was on a diet at the age of 7. My mother was always talking about my body or weight. She was soo critical. It was a nightmare growing up.
@@juicylucy6488 I was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. Is it that common for daughters of NPD mothers to have BPD? Also, I was molested when I was 6 years old. But my mother's the type of woman to blame the victim of rape so..... Yeah. I dealt with an ED that got out of hand. Still somewhat have errant behavior and incredibly low self-esteem. Not to mention all those years of my mother projecting her issues and body dysmorphia onto me since I was barely a kid. She's an accomplished woman professionally but mentally, she's an absolute disaster.
"The sexual you is bad/sex is bad" Yep. I drew an innocent picture of a man and woman making love (not even raw sex, just standard lovemaking) and my mom found it, and beat me with a belt. I was nine. That caused more of a scar over my soul than any other event in my entire life. The rest of my dynamic with her was really solid though. She was caring and loving, fair-minded, but I think being confronted with visual evidence that 'her baby' was growing up and would soon no longer be her baby...might have been too painful for her to accept, so she likely just chose to try and deny that growing up within me, like being on autopilot in her actions. Rationalizations aside, I wish she hadn't done what she did.
davidsirmons, your mom may have been raised believing sex was bad. Maybe that was instilled in her as a child? There is so many things that could have happened to her and she may have trauma/PTSD from it. So her reaction was a "knee jerk" reaction. I am not saying her reaction was right or acceptable however, maybe she experienced this in her childhood so that's what she knew to do? My mother was treated this way so that's how my mother knew to discipline her kids. One of the important factors in healing for me was to understand my parents childhood, their experiences. It really helped me to understand and heal. Also, I was taught sex was bad, my body was bad etc. My mom was raised catholic and that's what she was taught by her mother, it goes back generations. FYI sex is good, our bodies are beautiful. Love and blessings to you. ❤
@@lahicks9773 Should stop making excuses for shitty parents. It's not their belief It's their self loathing projected on someone who is weaker than them. When my sister was 17 my father saw my sister sitting on a boy's lap with a group of friends, doing nothing, they weren't even dating. My father told my mother her daughters was a free whore so she arrived home and beated my sisters up. Hitting her head on the wardrobe and dragging her by the hair on the floor. I was 12 and thought she was going to be killed. My sister became abusive towards me too because I was smaller and weaker. They wouldn't lash out on people who could defend themselves .
Sometimes I get so sad and angry when I realize I was living according to a lie. My mom always told me things like “Friends don’t exist, people will always leave you or take advantage of you” and she drilled it into me so much that I always held back in friendships yet was still hurt when nobody stuck around. I convinced myself that she was right, but she wasn’t. I feel like I ruined friendships that could’ve evolved into something wonderful just because I held back and acted like they were gonna betray or leave me at any moment. I could’ve had amazing friends for multiple years by now if I had just let myself act the way I wanted to. I wanted to get closer to people but I was scared because of my moms warning.
I'm so sorry your mom did that to you, that's so awful. I have trouble making friends for other reasons but if I felt I had to hold back because of lies from my mother....I can't imagine.
Hello, fellow human, I am a stranger yet I can relate so deeply to what you are saying. You are not alone. I have been this way throughout my teenage years. And I was miserable and shutting down any real connections with people. I know now how valuable friendship connections are for me. Your mom's story is not yours, and just because people treated her badly, does not mean you will get terrible people in your life. I know it takes a lot to trust the world again, but it is so worth. You can do it. Sending my love your way.
I think for me it was the other way nobody ever told me that i actually learned by observing my siblings and family members i saw that friends back stab you and family! You can't trust nobody that's why i never tried and don't have friends and i hardly talk to family and i don't let my siblings fully know me just because i know how people are they use you talk about you behind your back if you help them they'll eventually back stab you and eventually whenever somebody gets what they want they just up and leave and if you let anybody in fully they eventually turn on you and tell everybody your trauma and hurt. Family friends and lover will eventually just gossip about you
@@m_and_ems certain church rhetoric leads to a lot of these “lies” of thought: you only have value if you do x, y, z; aren’t “good” as you are (sinful), don’t be unclean (sexual), non church people are bad (society at large).. etc.
#6 is a doozy My mom knew my entire life I was diagnosed with autism and sensory processing disorder, and hypermobility. My mom came from a trashy family so she HAD to be classy (huge Joan Crawford-Mommy Dearest kind of childhood for me). So, because my intelligence was off the charts I was shamed constantly (made butt of family jokes) for having normal Aspie problems. She told me when I was 35 years old and I told her my child was diagnosed the same as me. "Your doctor told me all those horrible things about you when you were little. Why do you need to label your child? I didn't need to label you!) Wrong, mother I am getting my child services to help her be her best self and NOT expecting unfair things of her. But, then again she's not my show Pony like I was for my mom. She labeled all 3 of us. I was the brain. Sister was the beauty. Brother was comedian. We were NOT allowed to play another role.
OMG! I am an aspie too but was not formally diagnosed till I was in my 20's. Long story, no need to read it if you don't want: Growing up, my mom made me feel horrible about things related to my disorder like sensory issues or not liking being teased or made fun of (I still remember being 7 or 8 and my step dad and step brother making me cry at restaurant because they kept teasing me even though I kept saying, "Please stop that. I Don't want you to joke around that way.") My mom would pretty much lecture me and yell at me later about it telling me how I embarrassed her and was horrible person. (Nothing said to step dad nor my step brother who was 20 at the time and literally was an adult teasing a child). My mom down played my academic achievements and tried to sabotage me from going to college by shredding my w2s so I couldn't file for aid. I later found (because we connected through social media in my 30s) out my 6th grade teacher suspected I was an aspie and suggested to my mom that I be evaluated. My mom shot the idea down and my teacher tried to explain that I wouldn't be put into a special education classroom or labeled but that they could give me therapy to help me with my social skills because she noticed I was very bright but had trouble making friends. My mom once again shot down the idea so my teacher decided to recommend me for "peer leadership" program with a few other kids because she knew that I would learn some verbal and non verbal skills in there and she didn't need my mom to sign off for me to be in it (it was seen as an honor to be selected and she told me she had been planning to recommend me anyway). My mom had initially denied having any thing brought to her attention by this teacher and then tried to play it off as "I didn't want you to be "labeled". I think she just didn't want to admit that it was something I couldn't control because then it would mean I wasn't acting up because I was a horrible person but because I was having neurological issues and she couldn't as easily scapegoat me anymore.
Geez I feel that. I was thinking I was schizophrenic because I grew up in hospital care on Thorazine and half-life and more. I was led to believe myself totally incapable of making decisions for myself and it set me up unknowingly for 40 years of narcissistic abuse thinking it was my fault the whole time. Thank you lord for bringing me out of it and showing me the truth. I’m only now in this video hearing exactly what it was that was not normal and not just because I suck. Thank you. In my family I learned really quickly that I was so insignificant that everything came before my safety and innocence and very life. Aka being beaten so long you stop screaming and just realize nobody is going to help you. That was so awful
"if people are nice to you, they probably want something from you or are trying to manipulate you" - that's what my mother often told me through my whole adolescence. Now, every time a person is being nice and very friendly to me, i can't avoid the thought that something fishy is going on and that i have to be extremely cautious about them. Even if close friends give me presents on Christmas or my birthday - my very first thought is always: how do i pay them back? they expect something specific from me, they surely want to be in charge of our friendship etc. dear parents, it's good to teach your children to be cautious in life because yes - bad things happen. but don't force them into a corner to that point, where they can't trust anyone. they will grow up in loneliness.
23:55 I'd add to it trauma around your weight. My body was commented on, judged, made jokes about, criticized and tried to be 'fixed' since I was 9 years old by my entire family. That had me believing I was unlovable but also specially undesirable. That no matter how good of a person I tried to be, no one would ever want me that way.
This was the same way for me...I felt completely disgusted with myself my whole life and tried to hide behind an oversized hoodie everyday and i took it out on others without even noticing, grew up mean and angry because I was not allowed to love myself. 😒
Same. "The boys won't like you if you stay fat." "You just stay fat because you are disobeying me." Any non-weight loss achievement was completely devalued. "You make me look like I'm a bad parent because you stay fat."
Yesssss! I had the same experience…then at 12 I accidentally walked in on my mother during oral on some guy (my father was still in the picture, I was just taken with her on these sexual trysts). The guy was horrified but my Mom said, you should see this bc you’re so fat and ugly the only way you’ll get a man at all is if you REALLY know what your doing with Sex.
Same here, it was relentless. How big do you want to get, you only have big boobs because you’re fat, no one else in your class has a weight issue, I can’t believe any boys would want to kiss you. Just on and on.
I was fat and bullied and when I tried to have my mother help she said I was not fat and don’t need to do anything. This only led to more weight gain and self-hate and more gaslighting form my mother until I joined sports and learned what was true and how to take care of myself.
I can never tell someone I need something. I went biking with my friend and we left water in her car and as we past it, I was super thirsty but I could only manage a, "do you think we need water?" And since she said no I resigned to her choice. I almost passed out on that bike right from dehydration and heat exhaustion.
I used to be that way too, but wasn't getting what I needed. Maybe next time "announce" what YOU are going to do. "I am going to grab some water." Then if she wants some or not, that's on her. A more assertive voice would be good here. Make sure YOU are taken care of.
when you do assert your needs in the future please ensure you speak in av voice that is heard. Nothign would be more disappointing if you said this in a mumble and therefore not heard. Just something to consider cause ppl who do not assert themselves sometimes speak softly and literally are not heard. l also found this problematic sometimes discovering that that person had hearing difficulties.
“Parents who are profoundly miserable…expressions of love felt manipulative and gross”. I’ve worked through so much of my childhood but man this video would have been helpful 20 years ago 😂 I’m here to say I identify so much with many of these things…but not anymore. Knowing all of this can be helpful in taking steps forward. It’s one thing to recognize trauma, it’s another to be ready to move forward without it. ❤
"i give you everything, food , house and clothing" and also those parents proceed to treat their children with verbal abuse , insults and physical abuse too .
@@ChrisDMReloaded Across countries, languages, cultures. It's always the same speech, quite interesting right? This stems from children being considered property and all it takes to raise them is provide the same that us provided to raise pigs or chicken. This speech doesn't happen in rich/wealthy families, they have other forms of abusive speech but this one is typical of poor/low class mentality. They don't see children as an investment but as a burden.
As someone who hasn’t had access to therapy, videos like this truly truly comfort & do so much for me. You’re saving lives man, thank you so much for making these free. You’re awesome :)
I didn't realize how much I needed to know that I'm not alone. My reaction was so strong to the point I started sobbing because when your trauma is so specific it's so easy to feel like it's only you who is going through that and that there is no help for you. Thank you so much for this, I have been shielded from therapy my entire life because of my family and the fact that nobody wanted to get in trouble for abusing me my whole life so I have never felt this sort of validation before.
Wishing you so much more validation and healing 🙏🏼 Alice Miller is really good to read on child abuse and exploitation, especially that’s denied & invalidated.
Thank you for your comment. Now I know I’m not the only one. Neither of us are alone. I hope you’ve been able to get therapy. I finally have as an adult (even though I still feel terrified when I dare speak the truth about them), and it has helped me so much. I hope you are doing well! Good wishes to you. Hang in there.
This episode felt like running a marathon. I didn’t realize I would relate to all of these points. I know it was helpful to acknowledge that these feelings are a result of trauma.
I grew up really liking any girl who smiled or liked me first. Then later in life I found myself telling them that I loved them, to manipulate, (obligate) them into telling me that they loved me. Then I would feel better. 1. Where did I learn that? And 2. From who? 1. At home. 2. Parents “But we love you “
@@ankitaaaaa227 Because we were programed. A parent telling you, "I love you" was theeeee only thing I heard that made me feel good growing up. Like yelling a dog, "good boy"as a puppy.
It’s like my mom knows when my mind and soul are finally relaxed and then she chooses that moment to pounce, criticizing my hair or my skin or my outfit, bringing up an old irrelevant mistake from the past, reminding me of some deficiency in me, something I haven’t done or done well enough, shaming me for just “being” and not running around “doing” to earn my self worth. Ugh… it is so exhausting.
yep it’s like I really worked on something and cultivated it to a point where I felt confident about it and instantly my mom will criticize it. I found a new clothing style. “Oh I hate it it makes you look ew I cant describe it I don’t like it”. I decided to hit the gym and really improve my strength and physique “what are you doing at the gym? Oh weight training. Nooo weights make you look manly. I can see it already. No. Stop”. I started to take air commissions for painting and my mom immediately puts it down by asking if I’m even gonna be successful, if I’ll even make money and that I should give up. It’s honestly so exhausting and toxic. I keep trying to better myself but everytime she puts something of mine down it makes me want to do it less. When it’s someone who I care about putting me down it makes me so incredibly unmotivated and insecure. And she does it with everything I want to pursue. Even me telling her I wanted to become a doctor she instantly put major doubts in my mind. I just can’t take her toxicity and negativity anymore :’).
Our parents have always said "I love you" very frequently, usually at least once a day while telling us good night. We recently had the thought that their idea of "love" in this case is more like what we'd call "diplomatic favor"
I never heard my mother say she loved me--^ in fact, she resented me all my life since she had me at 15 & said I "ruined" her life. Hard to see how being told you were loved is trauma.
@@LisaFenton-h7fThe main problem with it is that it messes up your concept of love. If your parent(s) abused you out of “love” and frequently told you as much, then love feels like abuse. Then, you get into relationships outside of your parents and wonder if those people love you because they’re not abusing you.
I recently realized we said it a lot and it usually meant goodbye because my daughter started doing it (she's an adult) I started realizing she told me she loved me when she was ready to go. When we were going to say goodbye for a while. When she was leaving the room. And I realize the only time I heard I love you was when we saw family that we hadn't seen in a long time or when they were going to leave we would say goodbye with I love you,.. You stay in touch now! Even one of my aunts couldn't hug all the way like that was the only time we showed affection as well... Only got hugged when we were saying hello or goodbye
I was adopted at 11 years old, after having been in foster care most of my life up until that point and survived some pretty horrible and traumatic events. When I first met my adoptive parents, I thought I would finally be accepted, because it seemed like a perfect fairytale "ending" for someone like me. When I actually moved in, things took a turn for the worse: I was accused of lying, even when I told the truth, was even instructed by an older brother to just "tell mom what she wants to hear! That's the only way to get along with her." Even when I was just 10 years old, I knew something was very wrong and wanted nothing more to do with that entire situation. My "parents" were very much into appearances: if things looked perfect to the outside world, then they were a perfect family. Unfortunately, the case worker in charge of my case was manipulated very easily, into leaving me in that environment, by my adoptive mother. As I was growing up, I was sheltered from the real world, and exposed to things that originally caused me issues. I was abused by a family friend for years and then blamed for my own abuse when I got up the nerve to say something about it and was even called a liar, being told "if that really happened, you would've said something right away." I was told growing up that I'm not normal, that normal people don't have problems, that I will never have any kind of a normal life; I'll never drive a car, get married, have a career, have kids of my own. I can't do those things. For so many years, I actually believed it, and became even more angry, as I grew into a young adult. When I was 20, I had to figure out a place for me to go, without money, no car, just a high school diploma, zero employment experience and the words "You're not normal", "you can't do these things" echoing in my head. That was almost 20 years ago now. I married the love of my life in 2011; I am currently employed full-time and attending online college full-time; I drive a car, have my driver's license. I have zero contact with my "parents"; have no criminal record, unlike some members of my "family"; and my husband of 10 years and I are hoping to start our family soon but are hitting bumps in that particular road for now. Something I have learned: I'm tougher than I think; despite horrible things being done to me throughout a very significant period in my life, my moral compass is intact-I know the difference between right and wrong and treat others with kindness, compassion and understanding. In addition, there's nothing in this world I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I'm also a quirky person, and there's nothing wrong with being a little weird.
"my moral compass is intact-I know the difference between right and wrong and treat others with kindness, compassion and understanding. In addition, there's nothing in this world I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I'm also a quirky person, and there's nothing wrong with being a little weird." This is beautifully put. You know yourself, which is such a strength. And you express yourself so well. xx
Kudos for chucking the "parents," apparently you don't need them. I'm so happy for you that you found a loving husband and that you managed to overcome all those lies you were fed with. I hope you and your husband manage to start that family you're hoping for. you pulled that other stuff off, you'll pull this off as well! 😊☕
Took me 60 years to come to the conclusion that my mother was miserable and just how damaging it was for me. I felt and acted out all the misery. I never liked my mother and thought there was something wrong with me. It all makes sense and parents need to recognize how important their well being is to their children.
Thank you for putting this into words. Growing up I used to tell other kids that I hated my mother, I simply didn't care for her and thought this was a commonality, then quickly realized I must be deeply disturbed not to like my own parent. It's really hard to deal with never experiencing the child end of a maternal / paternal bond. She was and still is an absolutely miserable human.
@@glittery8862 thanks for the validation. I also just became more conscious of the impact on my nervous system. Fight , flight or freeze open to the max through childhood drove me to a lot of behavior that reflected my level of terror. Whew I’m really tired. I’m lucky I was able to put my experience to good use in the work I do with traumatized children and families. Domestic violence and substance abuse destroys children. I’m counseling moms to make their well-being a priority.
Relating to #2: People don’t want to know you. I always take interest in other’s lives, ask open questions, and I try to learn things here and there about their interests so I have something to add to conversation. I feel I don’t have this reciprocated, often, if ever. And when I do get asked questions about myself, I feel an intense fear in my body, but numb in the brain. I feel like nobody really cares, they just say their lines, where I’m not even trying to care, I just care. I love people. People don’t love me, it feels like. This might not be true but my experience has subverted reality and I can’t escape it
I can so relate. I will ask questions and remember what they tell me. They never ask me those questions. But I now realize it’s because most of the people I have either lived with or dated or were friends with were narcissists or had high traits. They loved me because I cared about them and their lives and they didn’t have to care about mine. I think a real friend would reciprocate. I just tend to attract users.
Omg- thank you for articulating this so well. Can so relate . I wonder now that I know more, is it people who had to soothe, caretake, fawn , etc to survive who develop that sensitivity to others , while having to protect our inner world from assault at the same time . Then we are out in the world as adults meeting just “normal” people who haven’t had to develop this “skill” or narcissistic or otherwise troubled people who feed us?
When you started talking about "no one wants to know me," I felt resistance. I thought, "Maybe that's a lie for other people, but it's true for me." Then you mentioned the self isolation, being exhausted by others, and connecting only on a surface level. Having a parent with no friends, raised in a family on the fringes of society, and neglected. I thought of the friend I've been talking to for over two years who I've been holding back from, saying, "I'm fine," whenever asked because I'm scared if I say anything else she'll stop talking to me. And now I'm sitting here, wondering how I've believed this lie so wholeheartedly for so long. Thank you so much for this.
You know, I feel like one of our biggest problems nowadays is that when we actually express that we've had a hard life and we're struggling to feel good or better about our lives or ourselves, some people (esp older generations, our grandparents/parents) will answer things like "oh you're not the only one who has had a hard life! I lived blabla some war, there are children in Africa who are dying" and such and such. When we express our struggles, people act as if we were not considerate of others' struggles. I just feel like people who answer stuff like "how do you think I feel??" To someone expressing how they feel is just... another kind of abuse
Yup I was told others have it worse well yes there's always someone out there who has it better or worse but to discredit my feelings and not be listened to was so damaging and I'm almost 40 still healing.
You know I completely get where you are coming from however, the older a person is the more trauma they carry . These older people also never get help. In the end they become miserable , unhappy and cynical. So I get where you are coming from but it's best not to approach the older folks. Go see the therapist they think is a fake,instead.
They’re invalidating your experience and feelings while simultaneously making it about themselves. Likely because their feelings and experiences were invalidated as well. It can be a vicious cycle because we all want to be seen, heard, and known.
Felt this. Was diagnosed with PTSD and late diagnosed autistic, and this is pretty much the attitude my father took in a nutshell. Tried to talk to him about it as he supposedly wanted to know, but realized he was just going to be invalidating and not understand. Sadly, I just had to walk away from both of my parents. I totally hate this attitude because of course I understand that there are people in much worse situations, but it doesn't make my experiences, my pain any less real.
It’s frustrating when the proof is literally in the pudding. Yup, you had hurdles in your life, but you had parents that taught you how to jump over them. I had parents who taught me how to stumble even when there wasn’t a hurdle. The absence of obvious hardship to the casual observer becomes a hardship in and of itself.
"we accept the love we think we deserve" 4/5 years ago I read that quote once, it's never left my head and is so true and relivent to my observation of today's society.
An offshoot of the “love isn’t real” one for me is “love exists for other people, but not for me.” I’ve kind of given up on finding love because every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in disappointment.
Mother always told me that no man would ever want me. But now I have an amazing boyfriend. To me that is a huge accomplishment & literally feel like I achieved the impossible. Edit: what I’m trying to get at but I’m not sure if I did this is that you shouldn’t give up. But you need to look either. I found my boyfriend once I was okay with myself & he just wandered into my life. I hope & I hope the same for you too.
I feel this comment. I always felt if my mom couldnt love me who could or would. Like im just not good enough to deserve to be loved. I realize now shes just not capable of love and because she wasnt happy i shouldnt be either. Im trying to teach myself differetly.
Honestly best advice imo is to try not to force it, focus on other things in life, and if you meet someone along the way, great, if not, that's okay. You'll undoubtedly makes some friends along the way at least
I had no idea until I saw your videos that what I experienced as a child could be described as “ a thing”. The toxic parent or sibling that wasn’t necessarily physically abusive. That a lack of parenting could fall under childhood trauma. I watched this video out of curiosity, not expecting so much of it to hit home. My mind is kind of blown right now.
The example in #5 about not interacting with friends for fear of losing with them really hit home for me. It's something I've talked about with my closest friend and I'm working on taking initiative more in my friendships.
Interesting, I find if I do ask for help (i.e., pay someone) they mess it up. There is never a positive outcome. I figured this was my life lesson to learn that I can do these tasks myself successfully. I truly believe when you’re connected to Source all answers are within. It only makes sense that I have the skill set to accomplish whatever is required. ❤️♥️❤️
Many of these hit close to home for me. Love was very conditional growing up with my dad. He "disowned" me whenever I did something he didn't like or didn't do something he wanted me to do. Love for me was very conditional. I also felt very sexualized covertly by my dad. I learned from him that my whole worth as a female was to sexually please men. Took me a long time to realize I had more to offer. I never felt heard or valued by him. There was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, not only by him but by my brothers too. Lots of sarcastic verbal abuse that they thought was funny. Me, not so much! I am 62 and still feel very messed up by all that. My dad has passed and I don't have any contact with one of my brothers because he is still very abusive towards me. I feel I am beyond getting past it all at this point. I have major trust and self-esteem issues and have trouble believing in real love.
I'm 57 and totally understand how you feel. I've accepted the possibility that my future will probably involve living on my own with my pets and a few friends.
There are some great books and resources out there. I felt unlovable till probably about my mid 30's. Now I realize that I can't control what happened, but I can control the outcome. I was able to join a wonderful parish which helped a lot and also found a great group of friends through a local gaming group. Remember, you don't have to be family to be blood and don't waste your time on people who don't see your value.
I have a similar story, though I am 73. I only have 1 sibling left; all have died, as have both parents. And still I am struggling with this last sister who is 75 and the golden child (I was the youngest of 4). I had hoped I would be "free" once they were all dead, or at least once we "matured". Not true. My sister and I still clash. I have so much work to do. This video helped me to see that.
They will tell you they love you. Then they will rage and call you the most terrible things. The child's brain believes the terrible things.
and then you find a partner like that, who will call you an r-slur bitch but say you are the most important thing in their world, notice how I said THING
Then they wonder why everytime they tell u something, u only hold on to the negative part of watever they said n try to tell u that you're the one harboring negativity. Like bruh...u made me that way.
Or public declarations of love followed by being ignored.
They back up the negative things they say, but not backup the good things they say and that's why.
@@suzan-x3i damn!!! I didnt think of it this way🤔🤔
Children are also humans. I wish adults would THINK before they have children. Seems like hardly anyone does. It's just "oh I want one" and not knowing what it takes to be nurturing beyond food and shelter.
Great point!! Children being dehumanized is a humongous problem 💔
Mother wanted children but she didn't want to raise them
Some don't even think about the food and shelter part. You need a license/education to do almost anything in the US, except BRINGING ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
A lot of people don't even think. They just keep having kids because they don't use protection and end up with a ton of kids that they hate, it's unfortunate.
Problem is, when adults start thinking, they stop having any. And the countries where children are more and more rare become strongly intolerant towards children's needs.
Example: Italy since the 2000s.
“The real you isn’t acceptable”
I have difficulty being myself or saying what I want to people, even just to waiter or hairdresser.
me too. even little things. like my friend handing me her phone to play ‘my music’ in her car, or when i’m asked to decide on something like a movie, what i want to eat. i never say what i really want because for some reason i’m afraid or almost embarrassed of my answers? like some will reject me for playing a song i like or something that insignificant. it’s tiring
been there. it gets better, i swear. it takes effort and time but it's totally, 100% worth it.
me too, omg... I feel that I'm too much of a bother to literally anyone around. To even ask for the minimum I feel is a crime that I am committing...
✋🏻 Same Here!
My nail tech guy (salon owner) is super fast and didn’t hurt me at first. One day I had to pull back several times because he was cutting me . He said I was too sensitive and I move around too much. This wasn’t true. When I got home I had five bleeding cuticles and took pictures in case they got infected. When I went back (why do we keep going back?!) Gave him another chance, he was more careful for awhile, then started cutting me again. I complained; same conversation. He lacks empathy, can’t admit he makes mistakes, or say sorry. I am never going back. It took some therapy to make a stand like this.
My mom would gaslight me and always say “You’ll know when you have your own kids”..and thats exactly what happened, I realized all the abuse I had to put up with as a kid.
Wowq
bingo. i feel the same and think the same. i am 100% better parent and mother than her.
My mom said the same thing and was gaslighting me too. she is one of those people that everyone likes so they don’t see that side of her. God I didn’t know how much emotional abuse that I had till I asked other people about their parents.
@@antoniotolentino8108I used to think the physical turned emotional abuse was normal behavior but when I got into a relationship that really changed my perspective on everything. All the pain that my parents had caused. The reason the physical abuse turned emotional is because I got physically stronger as i got older and my mom developed a fear that I may kill her ( strange asf I know right ?)
My mom said the same things to me and is now crying about grandchildren and wondering why I don’t want kids. Um, maybe because you made me feel like I was the child of satan and that anything I produce would be worse…
Im constantly afraid that I will be punished if anything good happens to me. Im always living in a mode of fear and scarcity
I was raised with the same beliefs, it’s been hard to overcome.
Good things are supposed to happen to you.
People always told me that no good deed goes unpunished. It took until 3 years ago to hear the expression properly as "unrewarded," so I understand completely.
ah yes, the fuckening
defined by ''things can not possibly go that well, surely the universe is up to no good to balance this''
the fuckening is always lurking
Good God, I thought I was the only one who believes this. Kinda sad but also kinda relieved. I feel like life isn't ALLOWED to be too good for too long and if something good happens I immediately wait for the bad to come, or kinda self sabotage so I don't have to face something worse in the future. Dang.
As a hispanic I really wish that a lot of things considered abuse are labeled "part of our culture." I love my family but I every day I realize how badly this has hurt me. So many parts of this were relatable. Culture is not an excuse to abuse your family.
I’m not Hispanic but I agree. My best friend is an immigrant from Mexico. I was telling her about how I was hit over the head with a broom as a child (the plastic part that held the bristles cut my head open), and it was traumatic for me. (Triggered trichotillomania, for one.) My bestie laughed and said she was raised where hitting kids with brooms was normal! She said she realized as a younger parent that she didn’t want to raise her kids the same way she was raised, and actually went to parental counseling to learn better ways of disciplining her children.
I say this all the time you CANNOT use culture or tradition as an excuse to do some fuck sh!t
It isn't a damn excuse
thank you bro, sm shit that we grew up with is so normalized ??? like i deadass grew up thinking emotional and verbal neglect was normal. And not to mention whenever there is a “creepy” family member yknow what i mean? like that one weird pedo uncle, it’s just brushed off like it’s nothing cause “they’re family”. it’s disgusting. and sad.
Wow! This is so true and painful.
My boyfriend is Mexican and I even witness the everyday abuse that you are speaking of when I see him. Hell I’m German and I come from a heavily abusive background.
"close your eyes and ask your inner child who you are"
i don't even know who i am with my eyes open
😂💜
Same 😥
this is so sad that it's funny 😂
I'm too scared to even do it
I did it:
She told me I was a tired princess who wanted to on knightly adventures, leaving behind my castle and princess.
But couldn't.
I guess I feel Trapped..?
I dont know what else it could mean.
Intellectually I'm quite bright, emotionally I'm a quiet 8 year old. I cry when I watch these videos, not sobbing it's a cleansing cry. The kind of cry, you don't realize is happening, until the tears are running down your face, neck and then drop. I'm 55 and the last 1.5 years have been the most emotionally healthy I've ever been. Thank you Mr. Patrick and people like you in the comments.
Sending you love! 💜💚❤️
Shit man
Soo it's helped you ?
I had that happen lately
That type of emotion wasn't encouraged growing up
i haven't any worry of anyone else seeing it. I spend quite a bit of time with a Rhodesian and a Redbone coon hound they genuinely love and care about me
The hound will come up and rub her face on mine she's got more love in her than most of the people that I thought loved me put together seems like about anything will cause it I don't really enjoy it
But if yall say it'll help lift this black cloud surrounding me ill go with it when I can
I have absolute intentions on living however I believe I will welcome graduating from this realm especially if it were to protect someone I've caused trauma I still very much love and miss dearly
Big hugs and this is wonderful to read 💓
@@lgd4247 the one who hangs around me i reckon is only part Rhodesian he's lighter and smaller than the small African Rhodesian
Only other male I've seen match his grit and drive was a thw named ebonys time around he was runner up in 1986 for wgc
Had a hot wire around his stall and a Shepard hook hung on the wall next to Jim door most people wouldn't dream of opening that door I was 11 or 12 id go down fetch him out and lead him up to the cross ties he never actually made action to hurt me he'd act like he was
I believe he wanted to see fear in me like everyone else often wonder how many times he'd been cycled back to this realm he had an intelligence more sentient any other
I'm also intellectually bright but get non verbal basically now. I'm 34 and the pain hasn't stopped. People haven't stopped being evil
As a parent who didn’t have toxic parents your channel is great for me to do everything I can to not be toxic to my kids by not knowing any better.
Listen to them and make them feel safe, loved, respected and heard. That's about it in a nutshell, these problems come from parents who care more about themselves so you don't need to worry 😊
What a blessing😊
That is one of the most loving and responsible things a person can do for their children. It's so beautiful and refreshing to read your comment. :)
Run and hug/thank your folks immediately! Im so glad unicorns like you exist! Srsly gives me hope
I’m so glad that there’s people like you in the world 💚💚
I am convinced that 90% of the problems in society originated in the HOMES; abuse of whatever form, is a torch that is passed from one generation to another; the only way to brake the cycle is to learn WHY we do and feel the way we do, and WHO we modeled ourselves after; and WHAT was the suspected goal to be achieved; HOW was the pattern established and WHERE of course, is the HOMES!!!
I agree. Multigenerational trauma is real. If you've not heard about Gabor Maté, his work affirms your statement. I think it will resonate with you (it's very healing too). UA-cam offers a ton of his lectures and interviews.
It's sad that abuse still often isn't taken that seriously (in my experience at least). People just nonchalantly say "well that sucks," "oh me too," "it's just tough love," "no parent is perfect. they're doing their best" etc. Even if you call CPS, they don't really do anything impactful unless someone's about to die from physical abuse...
@@naritruwireve1381 :'/ yes, I agree
Also the negetion about trauma, my mother said to me like, oh but have never suffered (because of monetary and comodities that they hadn't....) But I got into stuff that they just omitted, and it was sad to hear that from her...
I love this I agree 100%
THIS.
I am a childfree woman. All my life I was getting sex-shaming messages from my mother, that I must not have sex, I should not get pregnant. She didn't let me use tampons. She could not discuss anything on the topic of sexuality and womanhood without cringe. Then all of a sudden she tells me: " I want to be a grandmother!". I am like, how does it work in your head? I was shoked by the "I" statement. Like "I want you to sacrifice your body for my ego boost".
Maybe your mum is Asian.
I'm a 50yo child free male with practically the same story, which makes me feel extra gross and weird. Mom finally killed herself this past March after I spent 50 years taking care of her. Cut me out of the will because i wouldn't sleep with her. Not trying to 1 up you, it's just painful still. She made the 2 women I brought home feel badly, never again
@@Myytzlplk what you described is horrible, why would any mother ask her son to do that? It makes me so angry. Sending you virtual hugs.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I have two grown daughters and I couldn't imagine doing that to either one of my girls. You are whole, you are seen & heard. Big hugs
Namaste 🙏
@@gypsyfiresign1064 thank you for your kind words ❤️ It's first time ever someone told me namaste, this word is magnificent, I am literally crying.
Most powerful quote ever on the origins of worthlessness:
“A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience. She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious or otherwise ill suited to the task, and she is all alone in this scary world, or that she herself is to blame for, well, everything. As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option, is not an option at all. Better to believe, “it’s my fault, I’m bad”, which lets you believe theres the chance that “if I work hard and be good I will be lovable.” Thus even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnosis and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.”
~Dr. Gabor Mate from the book The Myth of Normal
I'm the I'm bad
I, a grown ass 30 yr old man, started crying half way through. Inside I'm still a teenager trying to fix my depressed, suicidal mother. I've been trying to "fix" every woman I've ever been in a relationship with as a proxy for my mom. I've never understood this about myself.
31 here and right there with you, fella. Effectively a 1:1 predicament. It's so entrenched that I rarely even register attraction to women who appear to be without psychological dysfunction. The kicker is that when you're drawn to fixing someone, every relationship is neccesarily broken from the start. For now I've (somewhat sombrely) settled into not acting on that sense of intimate allure when it crops up to spare myself the cycle. While I incidentally learned a lot by the end, my 20s went to waste so I could cling to that hope for attaining repair.
Oh damn! That sucks, but makes PERFECT sense. If it helps, many women have some form of Daddy Issues going on. (Positive OR Negative.). I expect that really makes it hard to spot.
@@stompinknowledge3968 it’s natural to recreate trauma in order to try and resolve it. You knowing that IS the solution. So you’re already where you want to be ☺️ even though I don’t need fixing, I still need a partner for other reasons. So know that even women who don’t *need* you will still “need” you. Don’t worry ♥️
It is a good thing whenever we can cry all of that poison out of us, the first time is the hardest yet there seems to be no healing until we do.
@@stompinknowledge3968
Dude, consider yourself lucky. At least you got to experience things; I was 29 when I had my first kiss. The damage done to me was THAT BAD.
"Parents who should have divorced" hits hard, glad you expressed it alongside harmful divorces.
My parents divorced but I'll take it a step further and say parents who should've never met. I still believe my mom should've aborted me to save herself the misery of being stuck with my dad for all these years, even after divorce. She never got to find herself and just be happy and because of that i have suffered. I suffered because of both my parents for different reasons.
I begged my mother to divorce my abusive father, she couldn't, financially.
I wish she would have found a way. 😢
I was the kid who desperately wanted my parents to divorce. I fantasized about having two separate houses to go to where I wouldn’t be in the middle of all the fighting and I could go to my parents for stuff and get what I wanted from each one. Like getting toys from my dad and getting less yelling from my mom.
I wished and encouraged my mom to divorce my dad. When she finally told him, we were so scared that we were waiting with our jackets on, car running and packed, ready to run as far as we could. We never needed to run, but I'm sure that paints a good picture of how my family was when I was younger 😅
Same thing I’m going through now except they were never married 🤣🤣😭 and now she’s suprised that I am in a toxic relationship myself and says that I need therapy. I can’t believe she thinks this all started with me
For me, #1 was more “Love is real for everyone else, just not me”. As a kid, I could see love in movies and hear it in songs, and I knew the importance of being with people you love. I could daydream about it, but I didn’t believe it was meant for the me in reality. I assumed that I shouldn’t want love or even care about it. Thanks for the video!! Now I’m aware of more healing I need to do 💚💛
Uhhh I just said this to someone yesterday
@@abbieamavi
ua-cam.com/video/0BtOY3Wr2LU/v-deo.html
On a sincere note, I’m sending strength and clarity your way, to see past the lies that wounds tell and to get yourself through to the other side because you deserve better 💙
w(°ｏ°)w
Ages ago (or perhaps even yesterday), I put prose to paper and penned 'A Different Kind of Lonely', a poem I inexorably jotted down while my espresso brewed. Not for academic purpose, nor emotional hijacking or inner validation. It was simply to be HEARD. (Even if by my 'ears' alone) It was a wistful acknowledgement of my many friends and family, and greater sense of isolation I felt the larger the crowd of my loved ones grew.
@@sushicat6797 thank you!! Same to you, wishing strength and hoping for peace and all the love in your life. 💛😌
@@sushicat6797 and I love the video you linked! One of my favorites to quote 😂😂
“Children are to be seen, not heard.” My parents always did that, it made me learn to not voice my thoughts and feelings and to just hide in the corner. I’m almost 20 right now and most of my family still treats me like that, like my feelings and opinions don’t matter, unless I agree with them of course.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. My parental units still do this and I'm almost 33. I've had to learn how to navigate their guilt-responses and limit our interactions as an adult because one of them still cannot fathom that I am an adult and not a child they can manipulate emotionally. I've given up on getting accountability from them and am focusing on ensuring I follow through with consequences when they break established boundaries. I hope you are able to find a way to thrive and find your voice soon.
20 too. Think might move out and NC within this year.
I feel that..
I heard the “children should be seen and not heard” in high school!!! At a family gathering!!!!
My parents had 5 children in less than 8 years and I am the oldest. I was changing cloth nappies just before my 6th birthday. I was a very capable child but when my mother left our father my world came tumbling down. She moved herself and us then 5 children in with her parents and her mother was a very controlling person. My mother then expected me to be a child at the age of 13 despite the outrageous responsibilities she imposed on me as a little girl. I loathe to admit this but I carry a deep-seated hate for the woman. Never had a chance from the gate.
When I tried to talk to my mother about my abuse, she said this almost word for word: “are you sure this isn’t something You’ve invented to be anxious about?”
Like wow, she summed up everything I know about her in just one sentence. Neglect, denial, gaslighting. All hallmarks of her parenting style.
OMG yes!
I am so sorry. I ACHE for you. God bless You, Dear One. 😘🙏🏼🕊
This made me tear up 😓 that's rough..
How about "you're making something out of nothing." With the help of this channel and others I've worked out this was a way to distance themselves from opening up, cause if you do that you may be wrong, kids idolize their parents, and weak parents feed off that. Maybe that's a feature that should be removed in the next patch.
Big hugs! The struggle is real!
Cried for 38 minutes...literally the first point hit home and the flood gates opened.... that was a hard pill to swallow.
I cried at #3 and #1 resonated so well. Feels like your head is messing with you and someone is saying it out loud.
I cried too and find myself in the Doomisphere often. Patrick’s ending is so helpful. The way he wraps it up 👍🏼
Yeah, I have a hard time with that and my life was impacted significantly because of that first one too. I have a lot of work to do! Thanks for sharing. I was wondering if anyone else felt like crying. Hugs : )
Hugs to us all. The kindest words can mean a lot to us. I hope we all find our peace one day. 🤗🤗🤗🤗
You are not alone. 🖤
all the signs and timestamps!
#6 1:27 "The real you isn't acceptable."
#5 6:04 "Good things won't last."
#4 12:10 "You are not enough."
#3 18:39 "The sexual you is bad/sex is bad."
#2 25:16 "People don't want to know you."
#1 30:14 "Love isn't real."
got dam thanks for the likes /gen
thank you! 🙏🏻
Lol alot of these things are very logical though and make sense. 1. The real you isn't acceptable - alot of people in this life and society won't accept the real us throughout life they prefer to control us and us to be having same opinions, same thoughts and want to take away our individuality. 2. Good things won't last - yes, they don't, neither do bad things lol, nothing in this world is permanent ♾ and forever. Sadness and happiness are not gonna last forever and people in our lives don't last in it forever either. Friendships, relationships, marriages, are clearly not lasting forever unless people are controlled well and lying well or having something in it for them they don't want to give up on at all costs. Ppl can die even. We also don't last forever. Cheers ;>🥂 3. You are not enough - actually that's true 💯, you cannot be enough surrounded by narcissistic and selfish people. 🌚 You can never be good enough for them no matter how hard you try to be perfect 👌🏻 for them. 😅 Alot of times you can't be good enough for a certain job or a degree or a career. ;} Sometimes you're not even good enough for yourself and your own wishes. 🤷🏻♀️ 4. The sexual you is bad/sex is bad - that's true 💯 in many circumstances! Alot of times people are using others for gaining sexual experiences while lying to them that their connection is alot more than just that. 👁️ 👄 👁️ 👍🏻Also sex can lead to various of bad consequences! Unwanted pregnancies, diseases, total regret, being used, sexual abuse, sexual pressure, uti, pain, bad decisions, infections, loosing yourself in places and relationships you shouldn't be in. 🤷🏻♀️ 5. People don't want to know you? It can be true 💯 can be not. Depending on the people you're interacting with. Most people need to know you to understand how to use you well and take advantage of being in your presence! 😉 Some need to partly know you when you're applying for a job or a study while others just for fun, gossip, boredom etc or cause they need new friends. 🌚 Some get to know you even tho they don't even care about you fr. So yeah that's not entirely true. Ppl wanna get to know you but most of them not for the right reason you think. ;} 6. Love isn't real - now this one is totally true 🗿 bc we all know that unconditional love doesn't exist. There are always reasons 🌚 why people are gathering together, dating, getting in rs etc.. You can say welp but love doesn't have to be unconditional. But take away the conditions and there will be no "love" anymore. ;} Science and biology shown us what we call "love" actually is. It is basically a hormonal drug combined with reasons. The reasons can be very valid btw. That doesn't mean what humans call "love" can't be accepted. ™ It can and is pretty accepted. Just everyone should make a decision themselves whatever they want this or not. 🗿If they wanna take that risk and drown in that sweet delusional fantasy or prefer to stay sane and free. ;>🥂 (nobody has to agree with me at all im just sharing my personal knowledge here thanks to the internet lol) have a great day 👍🏻
Thank you!
Thanks
@@spookywitch0x0 I'm sending you the biggest biggest hug xxx
"Experiencing sex as an exchange", instead of mutually fulfilling...explains my married life so well. Coming from a home where I didn't matter, this was how I continued my unknowing mistreatment of myself.
"Parents who expressed love to you but didn't back it up with loving behavior"
The key phrase I heard regarding this point was "we are not laughing at you, we're laughing with you" in moments where I'd be ridiculed in front of the family. Such BS.
I was always the brunt of their jokes and never taken seriously as a child
This causes me intense disgust and rage
I get it. It's really hard
@@Blood_bought1 same 😔
@@alison9189 I'm working with a therapist now and I feel so much better. There's hope and healing after an abusive childhood .. I wish you the best on your journey to healing. 💙
God that exact fucking line
My parents constantly told me the other parent really loved me. Neither acted like they did. To this day I don't trust that emotion. Thank you for this video.
I realized I was emotionally abused by my mother years ago, but holy shit, so many anxieties and behaviors I thought were just part of my personality are actually symptoms of abuse. It feels very bittersweet to learn this, thank you.
I still suffer from PTSD and I'm 70.
@@christineribone9351 I am a life coach and work with people through there trauma. I would love to help you on your journey 😀
@christineribone9351 I'm 68 and had years of inept therapy that never addressed the Complex-PTSD. Joy to finally know what happened and grief. "Any day now, any day now, I shall be released."
I'm sorry for your past. I hope you'll heal. And do not use sh word next to Holy. God is never to blame, people are.
Yes, I get it.
I wish there were more jungian therapists and that therapy was more affordable and normalized. I see the demand for this content and dialogue growing enormously over the next few decades.
I'm halfway through an audiobook of 'A Life of Meaning' by James Hollis, I've always been drawn to Jung but it's wonderful to finally be exploring things like 'Shadow work' in a serious manner. My optimism tells me that the average ability of a consumer to understand and apply concepts like those found in Jung's work has already grown and will continue to do so the more humans are raised comfortably with modern information density
Yes! I feel like I intuitively understand what I need to do in order to recover and I'm waiting for the limited resources we so over-generously refer to as the "mental healthcare system" (which I see as an oxymoron) to catch up or realize just how wrong they've got it. I'm acutely aware of the fact that the single biggest hurdle healthcare in general faces (and mental healthcare in particular gets sidelined by) is the for-profit capitalization of the industry. When the people who need the help the most also have the fewest resources, charging baller money for an hour of chat seems way too much like an indulgence rather than a necessity -- you know, like our version of an ego trip to space?
@@codacreator6162 I think you're right on every count. Being that I'm autistic, queer, and frankly magically inclined, it feels inevitable that I also align as Left-Anarchist
I have had luck finding jungian therapy ideas in some of the more recent modalities, like Gestalt, IFS and AEDP. As for cost, going to a place that has counseling interns is the way to go! Because I agree, the shadow work is so important, inner child work is so important, and even with many insurances thorough mental health care is too expensive.
@@karenmatuska3812 I've luckily managed to find a psychodynamic therapist who has a good amount of experience, who offers video/phone sessions at a more affordable rate than I've found before. Best of luck to all of you!
My mother said with great contempt "I hope you have a kid just like you!" Thanks, Mom. I did.
Both my mother and father were disappointed as I refused to make their mistakes. Tough on them 😂😂😂
I did as well (in some ways harder as she has ASD and I have ADHD). But I refuse to pass on my demons to the greatest extent possible, though I’m sure I have done damage just by not learning about this stuff much sooner.
Yes and Amen 🙏 my son is all me and he is amazing.
With your response, I presume your child is an amazing person
Tell her, " well, as long as I'm not like you, having a child like me is not a problem at all ❤❤❤❤"
I have always received conditional love, even in attempts at relationships. I keep hearing, "you're pretty for a dark girl," "I don't mess with women who wear glasses," and "If you permed your hair and got some fake nails, then you could get a man." The objectification is exhausting, especially when people drone at me that I don't know my own value. The commodification of black women is truly demoralizing.
I am very sorry that you have to go through that, and that it feels demoralizing to you. I just wanted you to know that you absolutely do have value, you do matter, and that I heard you. Even though we will never meet and I don’t know you, I love you unconditionally as a fellow human being, and hope that you may love yourself unconditionally and truly, as your own opinion on yourself is the most important one. ✌️❤️💐
Black women are objectified by black women and men. This is not only the mentality in the US, it’s the mentality in Africa as well. Try visiting Sudan if you want to have an idea on how far that goes.
@Claudine, I have traveled to Ghana twice and see gorgeous women putting synthetic weaves in their hair. I know some countries have shade issues and am fully aware that this is a result of British colonization.
Believe me, there are plenty of educated, eloquent, talented black women in the United States who know their worth as a human being and are living out single, dignified lives by washing their hands of those who would treat them as less than. Anybody who sees me as the wrong color/tone isn't invited to stay in my life. If all they want is skin tone, they can marry a cardboard box and steer clear of me. Thank you for your encouragement. 💖
ALL women it happens to ALL women. In one form or another:( Take care of yourself Gail and know that I was told I would grow to be short..fat and bowlegged and not wife material. That sort of comments stay with you. I am part French and Indian(NA).
Sounds like you need to leave Black males alone.
“Safe and sad lives”, this phrasing hit home for me. Very powerful and accurate.
Sad by who's standard? A safe and stable home where parents sacrifice their personal ambitions, or live within their means, for the sake of the family is a virtue not a failure.
@@kdurston1 Sacrificing one's personal ambitions is undoubtedly a failure.
@@kdurston1 preaching that this is the all they and you are capable of is abusive.
The "we belong in poverty" mentality is not healthy.
@@kdurston1 It's more about how the parents perceive their own life. Some people genuinely want to do certain things, which as most things in life, have some degree of risk associated. The problem comes usually in those that have generalized anxiety or catastrophizing thought patters, where even the smallest risk is dissected and all the improbable what-if situations are given too much consideration, making even actions that are moderately risky and taken by a considerable portion of the population seem scary. Thus the person gets afraid and settles for what they consider to be the safer/less troublesome/less hard to get path, which might actually have higher risks or detrimental effects in the long term than the "risky option".
The whole idea is that fear is what runs the choices of these people, and as they accumulate unwanted "safe" choices, they end up living a life they do not truly enjoy, while at the same time instilling the same fear and modelling that this is the right course of action for their children. To put it in a simple metaphor: eating only boiled fish and vegetables everyday might be heatlhy, but it will end up frustrating you, while throwing in a barbeque or some cake once in a while won't take away from your overall health, but it will make you much more satisfied with your diet. Risks are not always bad. Pursuing anything that is hard to achieve is a risk, but with it also comes the satisfaction of getting it, or at least knowing you tried and not living with the regret. Those who have parents who led "safe and sad" lives will feel like they don't have the right to pursue what they truly want if there is an easier to get less risky option and they will feel like they have to settle. And that kind of life doesn't lead to any satisfaction.
@@himawarimanjushage9735 Bravo! So well said 🙏 “When it comes time to die, let us not discover that we never lived.” Henry David Thoreau
A soul mate doesnt have to be a life partner, it can be a friend.
It can be a pet
Yes soul mate is different than twin flame
@@abirb7140 yes, real love
Friendzoned ....
@@Member_zero friend zone doesn’t exist. People don’t owe you sex.
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with bipolar. Spent my whole life fighting bipolar. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
100% agree I used to have Psychosis and paranoid thoughts like "people thinking about me talking about me etc. Very odd behavior after getting off Adderall from 7-16. Antidepressants at 18-29. 31 now. I took way to much, but took about 20g of Gold caps (Psilocybin containing mushroom) I analyzed my entire life. The emotions that came out helped me understand behavior etc more. Wont ever need to do it again because I'm happy and contempt forever, but I wish more people did this to alter their perception of reality. Would help with healing much trauma
How can I find him? Is he on insta
Yes he's Dr.alishrooms
I would like to know from those who have solved PTSD and anxiety, if they have solved it definitively and how to understand what quantity of psilocybin to take and when, for how long. And can you really heal without having an addiction?
Thanks to everyone for helping me understand, I want to understand if it's
something that can help me solve the problem (I have c-ptsd)
As an adult looking back at my childhood, all I can remember are a few blurry memories. And shame. Neverending shame. Shame was my constant companion. Shame had a seat next to me at the dinner table. I quickly learned that my feelings, fears and stressors were absolutely meaningless, because "You're just a kid! You don't have a job! You don't know what fear or stress is." So I learned to shove everything down and pretend to be normal. I feel an ocean of pain and torment beneath the surface and I'm terrified of what I would do if I let it all out.
Im really sorry about that. That sounds painful, reminds me of stuff in my life
Let it out (in healthy ways). You need to heal. You can't heal if the infection doesn't get treated, it will just spread unto every area of your life unfortunately.
I found a therapist that I felt comfortable with, took several tries. It takes a while, but you let it out a little at a time. Promise it's worth it
This is beautifully written and I found it relatable.
You have to let it out. I had the same issue but I chose to do boxing and I am a woman.I have never lashed out to anyone but when my buttons where pushed I say few words but the words are so deep and my body language would even match my emotions.
"Parents have no respect for your belongings"
My mother once ripped up something I owned in a rage because I was a distracted child in church and she started wrecking my stuff. For the most part she's a loving mother but on some days she read my diaries and didnt speak to me for a whole day after seeing something written about her and made me apologize for my feelings at the time. It was invalidating and disrespectful looking back....i havent been able to journal or be honest about my feelings even in private because I still feel like someone's gonna see what I wrote/think
Abusive people can be loving. It's called honey moon phase. Cartoon evil villain people for the most part don't exist. Most cases of abuse are done by people who think they love, but they don't actually know how or care to understand what love is. Under no circumstances was that acceptable to do to a childs things
I'm so sorry that you are in a state that you can't even write down in a journal for fear of someone seeing. That's not okay, that's fight/flight response for an outlet everyone should feel free to have.
Turn the journaling into a book make up characters and have them act out you’re life then one of the characters is u and then when they talk it’s actually what you’re thinking/feeling but to others they’d only think it was a book in progress
That’s such an invasion of privacy with her doing that which could actually make someone become even more secretive
I'm so sorry to hear that. Parents often don't understand that children absolutely need their privacy. Nothing pisses me off more than when parents go through their kids stuff without their permission
u deserve safety, and privacy is part of feeling safe. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Not at all.
My childhood friend went out for the day and I watch her mom sneak her diary out from under her bed and pick the lock, reading it in front of me..with no remorse. This mom was basically my second mom, and I watched her do these things a lot. I feel what you mean about not being able to journal for fear of someone finding it. The young brain soaks in everything it sees, and it's unfortunate that these adults didn't respect their children or use the golden rule.
I am a 26-year-old adopted Native American. I had nine other siblings all girls and half of us were adopted for money from my neglectful and abusive adopted parents. Not cooking for us, no attention, beatings, and divorce I feel like I won the childhood trauma lottery. You videos are precious to me bc you at bare minimum show that I’m
Not alone in my experiences and that is beautiful. Thank you :’)
I hope you can design a love-filled life and thrive in spite of your upbringing. ❤️
Awww. I wish the best for you.
Hey Cole, I read what you wrote carefully. I congratulate you on being here, watching a video in an attempt to understand yourself better and improve too. I congratulate you on expressing yourself so eloquently, honestly and kindly. Your motivation to live a successful life is admirable. I wish you a deep healing and discovery of your true self, courage, love and joy.
I’m also a 26 year old adopted native. You’re not alone
Why even adopt u all in the first place if that’s how they treated you?! That’s terrible. I’m so sorry u had to go thru that
The sexual one hit close. I was molested around the age of 6 and instead of getting adequate help for it, I was mocked and shamed, made to find my own responsibility in it (even as adult in therapy) etc.
No one DESERVES to have their innocence STOLEN .. period. I'm sorry you were put through that. You are a part of creation, worthy of love, respect and dignity. Keep talking. It may take a while, but with supportive friends and a loving, patient partner to make some better memories healing is possible.
I’m sorry ❤
I only realised this about myself fairly recently. I was a bit older than you, but buried it in my subconscious for years, and since have slowly been working things out.
Had two 'proper' relationships, one lasting most of my adult life, which broke down during the recall phase. Can't imagine having one night stands, nothing wrong with it, just not for me.
The self loathing and issue comes from the fact that it was a male that abused me, and I'm a male too, although heterosexual.
I think I associate with my abuser because of this, and worry that unless a potential partner approaches me first , I'll never know that they know my intentions are genuine, and it's definitely consensual, if that makes sense. It's made things difficult, considering males are/have been expected to make most of the running in the culture I live in, and not doing so is usually interpreted as non interest.
I don't consider this to be the worst scenario however, which helps me when I'm mindful of it. It might have added complications if I was homosexual, and I've spoken to many women abused by men and I think at least two have said they've not been able to enjoy any sex life at all because of what happened to them.
@@jimb9063it can certainly be a challenge. Up until I started having a few experiences with good friends I've known and trusted for years I was calling myself "damaged goods" .. believing that I would never heal and no one would want me. I had a friend who felt the same way and so we ended up hooking up.
I had a real visceral fear of being abandoned since every time I managed to make new friends my mom would move on to a new boyfriend and we had to move. Couple that with my first sexual experience at 7 being with a 12 year old who mentally and emotionally tortured me for half a weekend, followed by holding me intimately like he desired me? Being held like that was even better than the sex, it was like a switch flipped and I just knew *that's* what I wanted. But no "adult" ever had done any of those things and it set up a nasty conflict in my mind.
So anyway, having positive, happy, consensual sexual experiences as an adult with one or two folks I've known and trusted for years is slowly replacing those crappy memories from my childhood.
It also helps that things are not just focused on the act, we are affectionate with each other, we share massage, we genuinely care what happens in each other's lives, it's not too much just to ask to be held .. any partner who has been through loneliness can hopefully relate to that.
I've never really cared what was between people's legs .. ever since I was young I just wanted to love people anyway.
For me it was never *just* the sex .. after being abused I just couldn't see trying to use someone or see myself in a dominant role after witnessing other men treat women poorly.. I have to feel a deep connection or it doesn't seem worth it. (Even though to a certain extent we are ALL using each other during sex to help each other feel good).
I am sometimes more aggressive but it's always in the context of watching feedback from my partner .. if they show any hesitation at all I ask or change what I am doing. I've even held their hand depending on what I'm doing which is a good indicator if someone is actively interested or frozen in trauma since I'm not the only one who has been though rough times growing up.
It's made me relatively happy .. to finally get to be close to people, to hold them and nuzzle them and care for them and share pleasure. I know that I AM desired and I am capable of healing. It just takes a bit more patience and the ability to be honest. When I was finally able to have others bear witness to what I went through, that seemed to be a turning point.
You are not alone .. in a room of 6 people at least one of them has experienced trust issues or abuse around sex and/or relationships. It IS possible to heal 🙏❤️
Oh geesh, I think I scared y'all off .. I'm sorry your first experiences weren't good, but no one should be ashamed of wanting to feel good and wanting to share with someone else .. Now you have a better understanding of who you are, hopefully a better sense of control and what you want out of life you can have more positive experiences. "I am not what happened to me, I am who I choose to become."
I share a lot because I hate the way society treats sex as taboo. If we don't at least acknowledge it that can enable all sorts of bad behaviors. Everyone has to learn somehow, I just hope those first experiences can be as positive as possible and folks don't feel taken advantage of.
I’ve always felt guilty for being repulsed and disgusted by expressions of love. I thought it made me some sort of cold, monstrous person. This was really validating and helpful to hear.
i used to be/kinda still am the same. learning about attachment types (particularly avoidant attachment) has helped me a lot.
Hugging people became popular in the 1980s. You know, hugging friends and everybody else. My parents started hugging us. It was so WEIRD. I would feel like my mom's hand were clatchy claws (phrase from TSElliot) when she did that. Thanks, don't hug me, I'm good.
@@chateaumojo Are you?
Yeah, I struggle when people say they love or care about me. It never feels true. I'm always feeling vigilant and like they're just saying that.
I feel the same way. I was never hugged and both of my parents showed unavailable and hostile/ indifferent behavior. There were jokes around expressions of love or sex. Like it was repulsive, fake, gross. My mother constantly expressed the repulsion she felt with my dad, calling him (and his body) gross, fat etc. I'm 40 years old and have not been able to actually be intimate with someone... I tried, but I'm just too traumatized. The consqequence of this is : no children. I too felt like I was a monster towards my partner for feeling these feelings, but it is trauma, taught behavior. I hope I can "unlearn" it. But so far I haven' t been successful, even after years of therapy.
When I was pregnant with my son at 33, I went to my mom to tell her, I waited 4 months outta fear. After I told her, she started shaking and said, “Can you have an abortion for me”.. I remember crying in the car when I went back home, I just prayed is that I want my son to not suffer like I’ve had in life, really not knowing what that meant. I’m now 40 and after her overly making me look like a bad parent and her a great one it took me awhile to realize it’s never been me! It’s her! She’s never given me any advice about anything. She’s lied to me my whole life. My dad would always be like be nice to your mom. It took me being a mom, to find myself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry or even give me a hug. I never thought about it . Praying for everyone for healing as well.
I am so sorry. You like every human being deserved a loving mother. There must have been something very wrong with her to be that avoidant and heartless. I'm happy you can recognize her behaviour as sick. Sending a hug you very much deserve.
praying for you & ur new fam as well!
I’m so sorry for your pain.
I am sending you love.
💜💜💜
Hopefully you did cut your parents out of your life. Both of them look equally bad.
Sometimes we need to cut toxic people out of our life, I am sorry that you had that kind of experience.
I can't stand romantic comedies. I get ANGRY. 'cause that ain't real. Which, in the case of movies might be true, but I get unreasonably angry to the point I have to leave. and then I cry, because I'm not worth it. told my T last week that it's not just the sex, I don't think anyone would even want to live with me! let alone build a life! my inner child is so lonely, thank you for seeing her
Personally I can't watch romantic comedies because all I see are behaviors that would be red flags in real life.
that happened to me when I was younger, turns out I'm acearo, maybe you're also acearo if you don't feel any attraction towards others? :0
♡
@Amy Singer Wow that really hit home… what are you doing to help your inner child? Or a direction I can go towards to reach my inner child? Unfortunately, the area I’m currently in there is hardly any counselors and the demand is so high that I’m lucky to get 30 min a month with mine 😞
I feel ya. Rom-coms are so stupid. ugh. I want to tell the cute little heroine, :Sure, go ahead and get married. See what happens THEN. Good luck, honey. You so dumb.
My siblings didn't experience the abuse as I did. They're all messed up from her, but I was a scapegoat for whatever reason. It's even more traumatizing when your brothers & sisters say "That didn't really happen to you, or you're making it up....why are you exaggerating?'. It makes you not want to speak to these people ever again.
Yeah, sometimes you have to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. Including dubious family members, at least in my experience
@@nardbd7 that's what I did. I just don't talk to them because I don't feel mentally safe around them, you know 😐my feelings get too hurt. and everyone says you know thats your family thats your family! but my family is no good for me so you're absolutely right
Patrick, you are a UA-cam treasure. Thank you for addressing such difficult and complex issues authentically and clearly.
And thank *you* for actually taking the time to upload a photo for your account.
Ppppppppp
"A background assumption that even strangers aren't into you".
That hit so close to home that I'm charging it rent. I tried expressing that feeling to a friend, and she said I was being self-centred.
It's such a strange and difficult feeling to articulate, thank you for bringing it up and giving some background to it/validating it. And a further thank you for all your videos.
I’m sorry someone called you self centred for that. Trauma can present as that for me, and it makes it hard to sustain adult friendships with people who didn’t experience this kind of childhood.
I dont think your friend is very supportive hon. I'm trying to tell myself they just dont understand but were damaged and healing and sometimes let people in that we shouldn't because we think the criticism is caring or love. We sometimes think mistreatment is love because it's all we know ♥️
“I tried expressing that to a friend.” I understand completely. Unless a person is in that situation they’ll never understand. It’s so complex and almost impossible to express fully. That’s why we feel so lonely at times. Much love to you.
sounds like it's time for an upgrade in the friendships area, because that is not being a good friend. you deserve so much better than that.
Thanks so much, y'all are too kind. That interaction happened about a decade ago when we were in high school, so I don't necessarily blame her for not understanding complex psychology/trauma...it did still hurt at the time though. Luckily I'm now surrounded by people who are all the exact opposite of her!
Religious trauma really played into number 6 for me in my life. I "couldn't" be me because my "family would disown me" and "I would go to hell" etc etc.
This one is really hard. I am still not "out" to my immediate family because of this.😢
I had an x that told me I was going to hell all the time. His treats did not phase me. I know better.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. Parents should treat their child as if they’re a fellow, equally valuable, regardless of sexual orientation, human being and not a doll to play house with. Sending love your way my friend.
Me too 😢 I'm still not out to my family and probably never will be
Yep, I'm livid with my mother, Christians and Christianity.
It's such a morally bankrupt belief system.
“Feeling stuck about exploring, like in writing or art or music….” Omg I literally was just thinking about how I grew up never being able to put a pencil down (always drawing) and how as an adult I don’t anymore and I just feel stuck. Like the passion is gone but I still want to draw, I just can’t seem to make myself do it anymore. 😱 Also, I am in the process of writing a book and I just feel stuck, like I’m avoiding it but don’t know why, and I love to write! All these videos are making my brain 🤯
Samesies
I was into writing and music..I am getting back into it because my mom discouraged music (probably cause it involved me making noise and having to leave the house and thus not be around to take care of her for a few hours each week) and would roll her eyes at the idea that I wanted to write. I started writing at age 6.
Same for me, I drew a lot and wrote stories when I was a child, now I just can't, something stops me every time even though I really would like to write my own book and/or work in some creative field.
Not pursuing my passions has been a form of a self neglect and abuse. Perhaps you are ignoring yourself from low self esteem due to childhood trauma? That's how it was/is for me. ❤
Me too. Writer. Years of my parents' fears of: How will you support yourself? How will you make money? We won't take care of you/support you. You will have to be a writer alone. You can't write a book. We won't be there...and so on. I never wrote anything and now I am 61. I love to write when I do it. Then I have the tape in my head, as above. Stop writing. I have a lifetime of empty journals.
I was psychologically and emotionally abused when I was in elementary school. No one believed me for years, not even my first therapist, who didn't take seriously my panic attacks, stomach pain, depressive and suicidal thoughts. Changed therapist and she finally diagnosed me with CPTSD. I'm currently healing.
me too
I was just diagnosed with PTSD. Medication is helping but I still am continuing therapy and research.
Also your school tramua is valid because some children could have a learning disorder without any help (example- if your parents said no to an IEP despite continuing to be strict about grades) Another example could be bullying. Some child might also dissociate during school work and be blamed and scolded for it.)
I hope you have a good recovery and that you can be happy. 🙏❤
Did you’re parents tell the first therapist what u were going to talk about ahead of time they could have tainted their view of u so whatever u said looked like a lie
Thanks for all the kind messages. It was unfortunately a huge combination of many mistreatments, coming from many different people over the years, and since being mistreated was my "normal" and I wasn't taken seriously as a little kid, I just blamed all my distress on my hypersensitivity. Yes, my parents do have some level of responsibility in all of this but we are working this out together with a very good psychologist, dietician and physiotherapist. The results are showing and I'm slowly building a new relationship w my parents and myself.
My throat is literally closing and aching hearing this. Every single one is a daily process for me. This is so validating. Thank you so much.
Yes! For me too
Wishing you a safe space to heal and sending love, I’m so sorry you’re going through this💜💜
I also wish u safety and stability.... I hope u get to cry out some of that pain..... Good luck, searching for your inner peace, and I hope u have fun along the way
God can I ever relate
I know that I can relate to this video to some degree at least, but I keep disassociating so I can’t focus entirely & I’m not really sure why.
#1 all the way. I have parents who should have divorced but thought they were being good for me by sticking together. You know there's something wrong when a 10 year old is asking their parents to divorce and they respond saying "all love is abusive by your definition of abuse, grow up"
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 feel better
I don't remember what my parents said, but I did ask them kindly to divorce when I was 9, offering to love them even more separately when they are happier with new partners. Well, if this isn't the definition of failure of marriage, I don't know what is. I feel for you, no child should ever have to sit their parents down like that, and even more so, be ignored.
@@kangaroorider7688 oh my goodness I’m so sorry that’s terrible. But on the positive side it does show that you have a very strong character.
@@jennajoseph893 I do, and thank you for taking the time to tell me that and validate my experience. Never underestimate the impact of kind people on the internet:) I do hope that you are doing ok. How are you?
Also, I don't want to take away from the original poster @TheUndyingUnknown
I don’t love my mother or father. Apparently this is shameful. What do you want me to do? Pretend that I love them? I don’t.
My aunt's and such would also try this. Or try to flip the script "you should forgive them" "you should look inside yourself" "be more Christian" "why are you so angry"
And they'd go off about "how I was angry and not controlling myself", as third parties, when I'd literally not done anything and it was my abusive mother or her kids doing non-sense while I was bewildered, like what are you talking about?
And they'd go on and on to try to manipulate me and restart the cycle of abuse.
My mom says this about my emotionally abusive older brother, he's broken her things and he smokes weed and drinks all the time and trashes her house and she just lets him do whatever he wants. I still have a broken mirror and door because I blocked his number and all she asked me was to unblock his number so I've been beyond betrayed by own mother and I don't love my brother because he's not changing and I accept that.
My entire life has been a war between hating my mother or my father, or both.
I was kept away from my father just long enough to feel nothing but an ever present annoyed tolerance from him. When in reality I owe a good deal of my well off teen years to his work. In spite of not being there.
I loved my mother like a child ought to, and only until I watched her drink herself into a stupor and hit my sister did I begin to hate who she became. I feel the need to distance from her and let her know what she did was wrong, but part of me can't let the idealic false hope of my childhood go.
There is no shame. Just grief. Endless grief.
I despise my mother. Guilt from others as I don't love her.
All you said about #6 is so true.
I dunno about "love isn't real", but something like "Love is always out of reach".
This!
I think most people are more in lust then real love.
If your Venus is in the 12th house, it WILL be out of reach.
Love is for others but not for me...is how I feel
@@DevonI31 okay, YA.
So many of these hit home, I remember being a young child and begging my parents to get divorced. I told them that we would all be happier and that it would even be fun for me and my little sister to have 2 homes or new stepparents/stepsiblings. They would always scream that they were going to get divorced -in fact when I was 8 and had to stay home from school because I had swine flu, they burst into my room screaming that they were getting a divorce as if I wasn’t already uncomfortable being so sick…It took them 9 years after that to finally do it. They always said they stayed together for us but even as a kid I knew they were just scared of change. Blows my mind to think I had to be that self aware and mature as a child because nobody else around me was.
I understand completely, I was daydreaming about being taken away by child services because I firmly believed that would be a relief compared to what I was living in. I was about 10. None of their misery was ever your fault, in fact, I realized that staying in contact with them doesn't ease any of their misery now.
Alexandra Mullins Your Awesome 😎
I remember I wished my elementary school teachers would adopt me cause I can't stand the narcissistic abuse my parents had been doing.
@@OceanIgs I know, right? Anybody would have done, really. How I envied my classmates who were friends with their moms and talked about clothes and boys with them. I was a child but already fully aware what was happening. We grew up too fast, I guess.
Every Christmas, when my mom asked me what I wanted, I said a divorce!!!!!
I started watching this video and was like "I'm probably lying to myself about childhood trauma anyways" and then couldn't finish it bc I was crying 5 minutes in..
Hi twin
is that a thing with traumatic childhoods? that we think it wasn't that bad or not as bad as we think? I guess a part of me feels why should it matter anyways?
@@suzaruwrx81 idk for others but for me honestly I tend to compare my childhood to other people and feel guilty about complaining about my own idk
@@suzaruwrx81 it is a thing and it's called "imposter syndrome." It has many forms. For some people, you feel like an imposter or like you're faking things or making a big deal out of things when they're really no big deal or overplaying what you experienced. For other people, you may feel like you're an imposter among the people who are diagnosed - you may feel like you are being a hypochondriac, that you're making up your symptoms or your brain is forcing you to relate to these things because you want to "belong" and that what you experienced isn't actually that bad, or downplaying what happened to you.
@@taylorbritt499 thanks for that response! I've heard of imposter syndrome, but not in that sense. I don't really fit a diagnosis for PTSD and I wouldn't say my childhood as a whole was traumatic, rather a bunch of experiences that in itself were traumatic. but as I get older and things come together, things are becoming clearer. it's weird.
"would you say that to a kid" - that's how I got in touch with how unhappy I was! I've always wanted to have kids, but found myself thinking I shouldn't because it would break my heart for a kid to grow up to be unfulfilled and lonely and feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. Then I realized what I was saying was "it would break my heart if my child ended up feeling the way I do now", which sort of blew my mind because I'd been telling myself I was "fine" for so long.
When he said talk to your inner child and close your eyes and imagine who you want to be made me fucking cry. A lot. I just wanted to have supportive friends like i did in elementary.
This literally made me cry. I can’t believe how much I relate to these. Something that stuck out with the was the “being shamed for your gender.” I was born female, grew up as a female and still identify as a female but my father would ridicule me for liking “girly” things. I never understood and never will understand why I was shamed for being “too girly of a girl.”
Sounds like a misogynist
Girls are brought down for liking ANYTHING.. Whether it’s the colour pink or it’s boy bands whatever it is, people try and belittle what they like and them for liking it. There’s a lot of misogyny within that.
my sister made herself manly to appeal to my father, and accused me of "putting on being feminine" but then was jealous because men looked at me and not her. just one very small example of the insanity that was my childhood.
in a different vein, I was criticized for being a TOM BOY because I loved playing and climbing trees and was athletic...even being accused by my mother of being a lesbian for this.
My mom ridiculed me too for being a girly girl. I wasn’t allowed to like the color pink or do anything girly. I rebelled completely. I’m extremely feminine and girly as an adult and my mom can go die
My mom taught me that my feelings aren’t as important as other people’s feelings, and she told me to NEVER hurt people - even if it means staying in toxic relationships. She said breaking up with someone would hurt their feelings so when I did end romantic relationships she would scold me for being mean. All of that (on top of sexual abuse and being punished for that, too) I’ve had a complete disconnect between myself and my sexuality. I’m older now and much more in control of myself, but as a young adult I flip flopped between sexual repulsion and being hyper-sexual. Never any balance. Now I’m TRYING to reclaim my sexuality and finish strong with a healthy, passionate sex life, but it’s no easy road getting there. Thank goodness for videos like these! 🙏🏻❤️
That sounds very hard. You are so strong!!!
@@lttlod1 Aw, thank you!! 🙏🏻❤️ it’s been a wild ride finding my way out of that madness 😅 happy to be on the other side w/resources like these videos!
Wtf that’s a whole different level of abusive I’m so sorry u had to go through that
@@hala3731 thank you
@@Majafundata sigh. “Religion” has destroyed millions.
4:50 my dad dropped me at university, and we briefly met my flatmates. One was doing criminology in an effort to help women who have been emotionally abused or manipulated. After about two weeks I felt comfortable talking to her a bit and I mentioned that my dad was quite aggressive and manipulative, using some examples. She said to me “omg wow, but when I met your dad he seemed really nice?” And I was like “yeah… he does that.” And I couldn’t really explain it other than “he seems nice but he can be difficult to deal with” but now I know this stuff, so thank you
Oh yes, my dad is the same, he's quite the charmer with other people, in fact both my parents are very pleasant when around other people.
It is such a facade.
When Patrick said "can you imagine that wonderful child being not enough" it really clicked. I recognized I had the subconscious idea that I can be safe in my job and relationship only if I'm nearly perfect. But it's obviously wrong. Most people are imperfect but still can survive - so can I. The mere fact that I'm living and experiencing life is wonderful; it's enough. Thank you, Patrick❤
Taking antidepressants helps 10000%. 😊
That too. No grades were high enough. Got a 90? Why not a 96. Got a 96? Why not a 99. No matter what - TRY HARDER. Even with shit that didn't even matter. Don't talk back. Do what yer told without question. Hurry up. BE better. And, think about other people's feelings, but fuck yours.
Take SSRIs to fix problems
I'm realizing I never had real parent figures in my life. They were all manipulative and shameful. Especially to the girls, they praised the boys, laughed at girls. My mom told me to not wish for daughters because they are so difficult and boys are easier. My dad made me say I loved him and made me tell him I missed him, or made me give him hugs or sit on his lap, or else he got mad and acted sad, my parents always played victim in every situation. I used to think it didn't effect me but It's beginning to be all I can think about. I have friends and a great father figure now who I am able to talk to about this and it helps, but it's still hard. And I often get jelous hearing my friends stories of their fun childhoods with their supportive parents, but at the same it kind of helps me realize what was and wasn't normal ... Or shouldn't have been normal
They might be covert narcissists.
I don't think it is apropriate to diagnose somebodys parent's from a single UA-cam comment.
When somebody has the courage to open up about their past experience, there are so many ways to show sympathy and connect with them. But I really don't think that just commenting your newest discovery from the DSM is a good option.
Even if you're trying to help.
To quote one of my favorite TikToks, "Boys are not easier to raise than girls. You just didn't bother with raising boys and now they're a menace to society"
Its sad when Mothers praise boys over girls and even Fathers doing that with sons.
my mother always touches me without my permission. I have told her multiple times to stop and she always takes it personal and gets offended. it hurts me that she has no awareness for the fact that i recoil when she tries to touch me, that she doesn't pick up on my reactions to her behavior even when explicitly stated. she would also manipulate us by having a breakdown and sobbing saying we hate her, then saying she's a bad parent for doing that in front of us so we would comfort her and tell her she's not. i get really upset just talking about it because it still happens multiple times a day where she will touch me and gets snippy if I ask her not to. I can't explain how trapped I feel.
When you said “living in constant fear of being fired from your job” I raised my hands and just smiled because that’s ME. If I am really sick and call in I feel like I’m fired. I just have such a terror of instant poverty. It’s so hard.
Same! It's weird because I wanna find other job.
100%!!! Every day!!!
I accepted racism,sexual harassment and bullying to keep that job.
@@sabrinakeys250 That is awful.
who doesn't?? literally everyone is replaceable. also do not make friends at your job, keep them at arms length
"Love isn't real" I try to tell my friends I believed this until I was almost 20 and its so unbelievable to people that its hard to talk about - also seeing happy couples makes me feel so bad that I almost get disgusted at myself that I feel bad about others happiness
I also thought love wasn't real until I met my husband. Former boyfriends were never good to me and my ex husband was neglectful and cheated on me all the time. My current husband showed me love is real and that I am not hard to love as I always believed.
Same here, seeing happy couples, happy people, happy colors, happy anything was beyond gross and made me uncomfortable.
Anyone else find Love in general a whole confusing concept; after coming from a history of childhood trauma and neglect??
My partner was the first person to ever show me unconditional love, I questioned if it was even real before him.
I grew up in abuse, emotional neglect and shame. Highly critical parents who never validated me. Love is so foreign and hard to accept. Now I'm just a love anorexic. Haven't gotten into any relationships for a while. I needed to figure out this feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness
Yep kinda, I wouldnt be sire I have a history of childhood trauma, but my dad did something in particular that Made me constantly question love. Ive realized it's a very confusing matter to me and label myself as aromantic for cconvinience but im not sire how true Is that
Yes...I believed that love was pain for many years
Yes, I didn't get what all the fuss is about. I thought it was a marketing trick made up tu manipulate all of us . That probably says a lot about me.
I like that- the truth is that when parents are disinterested in their children, it affects their children's self-worth.
Something no one ever talks about, right? But it’s so true & pernicious. Invisible destruction of a child
@@penyarol83 too sad, hits me every time, yet it's just everywhere, isn't it? give them the iPad/ show them you ultimately like them when they get a high scores on exams/ or worse make them believe their sexual self is where their worth lies/ wanting them to be interested in you & what you have to say but the opposite never happens/ shriek at the sight of 'pretty' children and treat those children differently versus looking at one's own children as 'unattractive' burdens < examples /ways to ruin children's self-worth
@@TejubescDM Hey there, thanks! It's true isn't it? So many of us are not 'seen' and 'heard' and instead are being left to feel unloved through comparisons, outward displays of affection/charm to other people, and we start to wonder what's wrong with US. Then you spend a lifetime trying to explain/ understand your parents' behaviors so that somehow you can find out what YOU did wrong and can somehow make up for it to your parents-when it's very simple: you weren't seen because THEY chose not to see you. Now it's your time to see you. And if you're spiritually inclined, you can try viewing it as 'god sees you', though this may backfire because for many of us god just feels like our parents. It's insidious, really. Developmental trauma takes lots of work and there are so many approaches, really...from inner child therapy, schema therapy, attachment/object relations therapy, mindfulness for trauma, EFT, EMDR, hypnosis, neurofeedback (yes, some therapies for trauma are more 'biologically oriented...'), let's not even start mentioning things like 'somatic experiencing'.
All in all I'm figuring out that healing from developmental trauma may just be about noticing the impact of those past experiences on your body and mind (way of perceiving, interpreting events) and to just keep REGULATING so that you don't get into a stuck state and isolate yourself due to shame- which has to be done CONSCIOUSLY through activities such as journaling, yoga, dancing, tai chi, meditation, and other techniques/ practices. Just keep regulating and being patient and compassionate with/to yourself as a sensitive/ vulnerable human being and encourage the 'slightly hopeful' part of yourself to go out and build meaningful relationships that should replace those ones that were toxic: we're social creatures so people can heal people; healthy attachment heals.
All the best. Good that you have 'realized'. Question is, what are you doing to heal now? ( and remember it's a journey, healing)
Well said
A great lyric from a song that I always remembered was, ’You are what you love, Not what loves you back.’
I just cannot fathom being loved. After all, if my own parents couldn't, how could anyone else possibly? They saw the genuine me and decided she wasn't worthy of love or care. So now I put on a mask in front of everyone and no one knows the real me. Not even me. It's safe to love the mask. It is not safe to love me. How lonely it feels. How easy isolating is.
They never saw genuine you. Sick, abusive ppl cannot see genuine others at all. They are such self-centered, so they can only see the illusonal reflection of themselves and the reaction on them in other human being. And of course they hate it, because they hate themselves. They are express same abuse towards themselves as well, reproducing abusive patterns they internalize from their own childhood.
This is me. He said to tell your inner child that you are good enough in this way or that, but I'm actually not. I do not have a realm in which I am doing well, no place to compliment.
I was so scared of getting fired that one day I did actually get fired and it felt amazing. I did cry but afterwords i was relieved bc I did dislike that job.
Tell me about it........ I wasn't fearful work say, butit I knew there was something and someone trying to get me fired. I waited, and waited, and waited until it just got on my nerves until they called me on my way to the airport to go back to work and said I was fired.
I got so mad for them wasting my time and making me wake at midnight to head to the airport more than I was about getting fired.......They should have just told me before I booked the ticket....
Good 4 u ! , u deserve better ! 💕
It's like me! I was so afraid of being expelled from the university to the point of having suicidal thoughts. Now, I dream for this to happen. I'm too spineless to drop out myself, so I'm just hoping.
(If anything, this is just russian provincial university, and not some cool college, so I don’t even feel sorry if i'll loose it.)
“If you worry the things that you buy will get damaged or worn down” was NOT something I had expected to be called out for today but I’m so glad to recognize the stress it causes me is for a reason/treatable
Me too. I have this really badly. Such a relief to get some validation that its not just me
Yes, I have this really weirdly badly and never thought to connect it to difficultly committing to new friendships. It does kind of make sense that both are connected to fear of loss from moving house as a child every 2 or 3 years, losing contact with all of my friends in the process. I don't like to take the price tags of clothes because it feels like they're wearing out already.
Geez, right? Me either.
For me it’s always being angry I never could have anything new. It was always used stuff. From clothes to cars, we could never have anything new. Parents didn’t really back up the “I love you”‘s with action. From age 11 to 17 we moved 3 times and I never was able to form good friendships. Dad got injured at work when I was a teen, and seems to have virtually given up on doing anything. I never realized how much this stuff has affected me. Looking back, I resent my parents for not parenting me, and just letting the chips fall where they may. What is funniest is they said they would have believed they were failed parents because my siblings all had hard lives making bad decisions, but since I never wanted to disappoint them, I was too afraid to do anything ‘bad’. I didn’t have the heart to say they didn’t do a great job with me. I love them, but always have a tiny amount of resentment toward them when I think about that.
Yes. Oh my, that has been something I have struggled with. Especially if they are things I didn't see have as a kid. For about 8 years my mom refused to buy me pajamas. She liked nightgowns and I hated them because they were uncomfortable and not warm. So she didn't buy anything. Sometimes I slept in my gymnastics leotards, until I conned my father out of some old PJs he had. Finally when I was in college she bought me two pajamas, so now I have an enormous number of PJs.
Sometimes my brain still takes over telling me I wasn't abused or it wasn't that bad. Listening to you, and being able to identify with every single one of those things has me in tears because it's a much needed reminder that I did go through trauma most of my life and it was not all okay and it was not something I just had to get over.
You will be okay just keep going you didn’t find this channel by accident 😅
Coming to terms with your trauma feels a lot better than bottling it up and pretending it never existed. Been there before.
And on top of it, your parents constantly praise themselves for being such “great parents”. Yet, I can identify with lol of them and I don’t feel safe talking to my parents either. It’s a sad life/relationship. I love them so much but it so hard to be around them.
It's bad when this is better than the therapy I'm getting from my county's dept of behavioral health.
Sometimes the memories are just too much to take. My memories are few, but as I heal my memories are returning.
When I first met my husband it felt too good to be true to be loved so well. In my mind I felt like Carrie up on that stage, just waiting for pigs blood to get dumped on me. #5 really resonates.
I completely relate to this.
Exactly, I always lived in constant fear that my boyfriend will leave me !!!
Having a family member that consistently ruined things for you.. I didn’t even realize it was a trauma for me, but I definitely always feel uneasy when things are going well because I “know” it isn’t going to last. I think this stems from having a dad that would always have some kind of angry outbursts or find a reason to severely punish me any time I was really happy or excited about something. I still don’t understand why he was like that.
He was probably a) deeply unhappy, and b) jealous, so he couldn't stand to see the people _around_ him be happy.
Cause he’s jealous that you have a happy mental life and he wants to bring you down to his dysfunctional low life so you can turn into him 😒 my mom does the exact same thing and she bosses my dad around he does whatever my mom wants and if he doesn’t she yells at him 🙄 it’s like she’s using him to hurt me whenever I “disrespect” and he gives me harsh punishments to 🙄
It’s like she’s to sensitive to stand up for herself
sabotage is common to NPD and sometimes BPD parents, from envy
"don't you understand how miserable you MAKE me? If you're happy, you've clearly forgotten all the things you haven't helped ME with yet!"
These are people with traumas too, who are afraid of being leave behind so they are jealous and tried to bring you down if youre happy without them
Its toxic love, you are only allowed to love them, be happy with them
I have the same dad as yours, we can do it!!! Talk and ill
as a young adult i start to realize i really never asked myself what i want/need bc i spent so much time being told/ learning to put that aside for others. now im learning how to re-parent myself and heal and discover who i am on my own, separate from anyone else’s ideas about me.
How are you getting on? I have this same exact problem
This!
It took years of therapy for me to get to that exact realisation. I just learned this very thing last autumn in therapy when I was 24 years old (I turned 25 in January), it slowly unravels a life of decisions based on other people’s opinions and inputs, it was so big and scary to realise I never really made a decision for myself based on my own wishes and desires.
How I continued with this realisation is that I stop and take a breath and ask myself what do I want when I have decisions to make. It is still a struggle because my first impulse is still to ask other people for their opinion, but then I pause and remember that this decision only affects me, so I can ask myself first.
LOVE this for u keep goin
I struggle with this now. I just never thought about who I wanted to be because I was prepared to be a caretaker for my disabled alcoholic father....11 years later I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be.
Erin Alejandra-- Stay strong because it was the same for me. I had to re--learn everything when I moved from Africa to Europe. It was a lot to learn , learning how to make my own choices and getting so overwhelmed by having to go and buy food, seeing happy families, sleeping when I want to , waking up even I wanted to.
#3 being molested as a child made me highly self-conscious of my appearance. The constant bullying of my Narc mother led me to years of eating disorder and self-hatred.
Do you have BPD as a result of your upbringing by a NPD ?
Your not alone. I was on a diet at the age of 7. My mother was always talking about my body or weight. She was soo critical. It was a nightmare growing up.
Same here. I wish my asshole narc and sadistic mother suffers everyday .
@@juicylucy6488 I've never been diagnosed with it
@@juicylucy6488 I was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. Is it that common for daughters of NPD mothers to have BPD? Also, I was molested when I was 6 years old. But my mother's the type of woman to blame the victim of rape so..... Yeah. I dealt with an ED that got out of hand. Still somewhat have errant behavior and incredibly low self-esteem. Not to mention all those years of my mother projecting her issues and body dysmorphia onto me since I was barely a kid.
She's an accomplished woman professionally but mentally, she's an absolute disaster.
The thing you said about having fear or shame around pursing art or creative pursuits really hit me. I’m going through this still at 43.
"The sexual you is bad/sex is bad" Yep. I drew an innocent picture of a man and woman making love (not even raw sex, just standard lovemaking) and my mom found it, and beat me with a belt. I was nine. That caused more of a scar over my soul than any other event in my entire life. The rest of my dynamic with her was really solid though. She was caring and loving, fair-minded, but I think being confronted with visual evidence that 'her baby' was growing up and would soon no longer be her baby...might have been too painful for her to accept, so she likely just chose to try and deny that growing up within me, like being on autopilot in her actions. Rationalizations aside, I wish she hadn't done what she did.
davidsirmons, your mom may have been raised believing sex was bad. Maybe that was instilled in her as a child? There is so many things that could have happened to her and she may have trauma/PTSD from it. So her reaction was a "knee jerk" reaction. I am not saying her reaction was right or acceptable however, maybe she experienced this in her childhood so that's what she knew to do? My mother was treated this way so that's how my mother knew to discipline her kids. One of the important factors in healing for me was to understand my parents childhood, their experiences. It really helped me to understand and heal. Also, I was taught sex was bad, my body was bad etc. My mom was raised catholic and that's what she was taught by her mother, it goes back generations. FYI sex is good, our bodies are beautiful. Love and blessings to you. ❤
I’m sorry that happened to you
That leaves that side of you damaged forever
@@lahicks9773 same
@@lahicks9773 Should stop making excuses for shitty parents. It's not their belief It's their self loathing projected on someone who is weaker than them.
When my sister was 17 my father saw my sister sitting on a boy's lap with a group of friends, doing nothing, they weren't even dating.
My father told my mother her daughters was a free whore so she arrived home and beated my sisters up. Hitting her head on the wardrobe and dragging her by the hair on the floor.
I was 12 and thought she was going to be killed. My sister became abusive towards me too because I was smaller and weaker.
They wouldn't lash out on people who could defend themselves .
Sometimes I get so sad and angry when I realize I was living according to a lie. My mom always told me things like “Friends don’t exist, people will always leave you or take advantage of you” and she drilled it into me so much that I always held back in friendships yet was still hurt when nobody stuck around. I convinced myself that she was right, but she wasn’t. I feel like I ruined friendships that could’ve evolved into something wonderful just because I held back and acted like they were gonna betray or leave me at any moment. I could’ve had amazing friends for multiple years by now if I had just let myself act the way I wanted to. I wanted to get closer to people but I was scared because of my moms warning.
I'm so sorry your mom did that to you, that's so awful. I have trouble making friends for other reasons but if I felt I had to hold back because of lies from my mother....I can't imagine.
Hello, fellow human, I am a stranger yet I can relate so deeply to what you are saying. You are not alone. I have been this way throughout my teenage years. And I was miserable and shutting down any real connections with people. I know now how valuable friendship connections are for me. Your mom's story is not yours, and just because people treated her badly, does not mean you will get terrible people in your life. I know it takes a lot to trust the world again, but it is so worth. You can do it. Sending my love your way.
same here dude, and whenever you attempt to do things differently it’s always the fear of what if she was right
I think for me it was the other way nobody ever told me that i actually learned by observing my siblings and family members i saw that friends back stab you and family! You can't trust nobody that's why i never tried and don't have friends and i hardly talk to family and i don't let my siblings fully know me just because i know how people are they use you talk about you behind your back if you help them they'll eventually back stab you and eventually whenever somebody gets what they want they just up and leave and if you let anybody in fully they eventually turn on you and tell everybody your trauma and hurt. Family friends and lover will eventually just gossip about you
Same but it was my older sister who's a decade older than me told me
Honestly, all of this also relates to religious trauma.
Same
Please, explain. I think I had the same issue.
.
Sigh. It's so hard to recover.
@@m_and_ems certain church rhetoric leads to a lot of these “lies” of thought: you only have value if you do x, y, z; aren’t “good” as you are (sinful), don’t be unclean (sexual), non church people are bad (society at large).. etc.
#6 is a doozy
My mom knew my entire life I was diagnosed with autism and sensory processing disorder, and hypermobility.
My mom came from a trashy family so she HAD to be classy (huge Joan Crawford-Mommy Dearest kind of childhood for me).
So, because my intelligence was off the charts I was shamed constantly (made butt of family jokes) for having normal Aspie problems.
She told me when I was 35 years old and I told her my child was diagnosed the same as me. "Your doctor told me all those horrible things about you when you were little. Why do you need to label your child? I didn't need to label you!)
Wrong, mother I am getting my child services to help her be her best self and NOT expecting unfair things of her.
But, then again she's not my show Pony like I was for my mom.
She labeled all 3 of us.
I was the brain. Sister was the beauty. Brother was comedian.
We were NOT allowed to play another role.
*I never knew I was autistic or hypermobile or sensory processing disorder until she told me when I was 35 is what I meant*
🎯💔
OMG! I am an aspie too but was not formally diagnosed till I was in my 20's. Long story, no need to read it if you don't want: Growing up, my mom made me feel horrible about things related to my disorder like sensory issues or not liking being teased or made fun of (I still remember being 7 or 8 and my step dad and step brother making me cry at restaurant because they kept teasing me even though I kept saying, "Please stop that. I Don't want you to joke around that way.") My mom would pretty much lecture me and yell at me later about it telling me how I embarrassed her and was horrible person. (Nothing said to step dad nor my step brother who was 20 at the time and literally was an adult teasing a child). My mom down played my academic achievements and tried to sabotage me from going to college by shredding my w2s so I couldn't file for aid. I later found (because we connected through social media in my 30s) out my 6th grade teacher suspected I was an aspie and suggested to my mom that I be evaluated. My mom shot the idea down and my teacher tried to explain that I wouldn't be put into a special education classroom or labeled but that they could give me therapy to help me with my social skills because she noticed I was very bright but had trouble making friends. My mom once again shot down the idea so my teacher decided to recommend me for "peer leadership" program with a few other kids because she knew that I would learn some verbal and non verbal skills in there and she didn't need my mom to sign off for me to be in it (it was seen as an honor to be selected and she told me she had been planning to recommend me anyway). My mom had initially denied having any thing brought to her attention by this teacher and then tried to play it off as "I didn't want you to be "labeled". I think she just didn't want to admit that it was something I couldn't control because then it would mean I wasn't acting up because I was a horrible person but because I was having neurological issues and she couldn't as easily scapegoat me anymore.
You should write a book. fr.
Geez I feel that. I was thinking I was schizophrenic because I grew up in hospital care on Thorazine and half-life and more. I was led to believe myself totally incapable of making decisions for myself and it set me up unknowingly for 40 years of narcissistic abuse thinking it was my fault the whole time. Thank you lord for bringing me out of it and showing me the truth. I’m only now in this video hearing exactly what it was that was not normal and not just because I suck. Thank you. In my family I learned really quickly that I was so insignificant that everything came before my safety and innocence and very life. Aka being beaten so long you stop screaming and just realize nobody is going to help you. That was so awful
"if people are nice to you, they probably want something from you or are trying to manipulate you" - that's what my mother often told me through my whole adolescence. Now, every time a person is being nice and very friendly to me, i can't avoid the thought that something fishy is going on and that i have to be extremely cautious about them. Even if close friends give me presents on Christmas or my birthday - my very first thought is always: how do i pay them back? they expect something specific from me, they surely want to be in charge of our friendship etc.
dear parents, it's good to teach your children to be cautious in life because yes - bad things happen. but don't force them into a corner to that point, where they can't trust anyone. they will grow up in loneliness.
23:55 I'd add to it trauma around your weight. My body was commented on, judged, made jokes about, criticized and tried to be 'fixed' since I was 9 years old by my entire family. That had me believing I was unlovable but also specially undesirable. That no matter how good of a person I tried to be, no one would ever want me that way.
This was the same way for me...I felt completely disgusted with myself my whole life and tried to hide behind an oversized hoodie everyday and i took it out on others without even noticing, grew up mean and angry because I was not allowed to love myself. 😒
Same. "The boys won't like you if you stay fat." "You just stay fat because you are disobeying me." Any non-weight loss achievement was completely devalued. "You make me look like I'm a bad parent because you stay fat."
Yesssss! I had the same experience…then at 12 I accidentally walked in on my mother during oral on some guy (my father was still in the picture, I was just taken with her on these sexual trysts). The guy was horrified but my Mom said, you should see this bc you’re so fat and ugly the only way you’ll get a man at all is if you REALLY know what your doing with Sex.
Same here, it was relentless. How big do you want to get, you only have big boobs because you’re fat, no one else in your class has a weight issue, I can’t believe any boys would want to kiss you. Just on and on.
I was fat and bullied and when I tried to have my mother help she said I was not fat and don’t need to do anything. This only led to more weight gain and self-hate and more gaslighting form my mother until I joined sports and learned what was true and how to take care of myself.
I can never tell someone I need something. I went biking with my friend and we left water in her car and as we past it, I was super thirsty but I could only manage a, "do you think we need water?" And since she said no I resigned to her choice. I almost passed out on that bike right from dehydration and heat exhaustion.
omg that's so me, thank you for writing this so i better understand myself
I used to be that way too, but wasn't getting what I needed. Maybe next time "announce" what YOU are going to do. "I am going to grab some water." Then if she wants some or not, that's on her. A more assertive voice would be good here. Make sure YOU are taken care of.
That's sooo me😳😔
when you do assert your needs in the future please ensure you speak in av voice that is heard. Nothign would be more disappointing if you said this in a mumble and therefore not heard. Just something to consider cause ppl who do not assert themselves sometimes speak softly and literally are not heard. l also found this problematic sometimes discovering that that person had hearing difficulties.
Get a camel back there backpacks that have a long straw and hold water I can only imagine what u went through being afraid to drink water 😥
“Parents who are profoundly miserable…expressions of love felt manipulative and gross”. I’ve worked through so much of my childhood but man this video would have been helpful 20 years ago 😂 I’m here to say I identify so much with many of these things…but not anymore. Knowing all of this can be helpful in taking steps forward. It’s one thing to recognize trauma, it’s another to be ready to move forward without it. ❤
"i give you everything, food , house and clothing" and also those parents proceed to treat their children with verbal abuse , insults and physical abuse too .
They all have the same speech
@@Sarablueunicorn The gaslighting
@@ChrisDMReloaded Across countries, languages, cultures. It's always the same speech, quite interesting right?
This stems from children being considered property and all it takes to raise them is provide the same that us provided to raise pigs or chicken.
This speech doesn't happen in rich/wealthy families, they have other forms of abusive speech but this one is typical of poor/low class mentality. They don't see children as an investment but as a burden.
@@Sarablueunicorn oh wow!
@@SarablueunicornVERY good point.
As someone who hasn’t had access to therapy, videos like this truly truly comfort & do so much for me. You’re saving lives man, thank you so much for making these free. You’re awesome :)
I didn't realize how much I needed to know that I'm not alone. My reaction was so strong to the point I started sobbing because when your trauma is so specific it's so easy to feel like it's only you who is going through that and that there is no help for you. Thank you so much for this, I have been shielded from therapy my entire life because of my family and the fact that nobody wanted to get in trouble for abusing me my whole life so I have never felt this sort of validation before.
how are you doing now? anything you been trying?
Wishing you so much more validation and healing 🙏🏼 Alice Miller is really good to read on child abuse and exploitation, especially that’s denied & invalidated.
oh that's terrible. i wish you the best and i really hope you heal from your trauma
Yeah I didn't know how hard this was gonna hit home .
Thank you for your comment. Now I know I’m not the only one. Neither of us are alone. I hope you’ve been able to get therapy. I finally have as an adult (even though I still feel terrified when I dare speak the truth about them), and it has helped me so much. I hope you are doing well! Good wishes to you. Hang in there.
This man is basically describing my entire 41 years of existence. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time being miserable 😢
😮 how ? I think I can't even do as well as u at 41. I'm here still not even figure out what happened to myself and my mind
@@eun5150same and I’m 56
This episode felt like running a marathon. I didn’t realize I would relate to all of these points. I know it was helpful to acknowledge that these feelings are a result of trauma.
I grew up really liking any girl who smiled or liked me first. Then later in life I found myself telling them that I loved them, to manipulate, (obligate) them into telling me that they loved me. Then I would feel better.
1. Where did I learn that?
And 2. From who?
1. At home.
2. Parents
“But we love you “
I do this....I'm so confused...can you tell me why we do this?
@@ankitaaaaa227
Because we were programed. A parent telling you, "I love you" was theeeee only thing I heard that made me feel good growing up.
Like yelling a dog, "good boy"as a puppy.
Constant criticism even when you do something positive or are enjoying something. Y'ouch.
It’s like my mom knows when my mind and soul are finally relaxed and then she chooses that moment to pounce, criticizing my hair or my skin or my outfit, bringing up an old irrelevant mistake from the past, reminding me of some deficiency in me, something I haven’t done or done well enough, shaming me for just “being” and not running around “doing” to earn my self worth. Ugh… it is so exhausting.
yep it’s like I really worked on something and cultivated it to a point where I felt confident about it and instantly my mom will criticize it. I found a new clothing style. “Oh I hate it it makes you look ew I cant describe it I don’t like it”. I decided to hit the gym and really improve my strength and physique “what are you doing at the gym? Oh weight training. Nooo weights make you look manly. I can see it already. No. Stop”. I started to take air commissions for painting and my mom immediately puts it down by asking if I’m even gonna be successful, if I’ll even make money and that I should give up. It’s honestly so exhausting and toxic. I keep trying to better myself but everytime she puts something of mine down it makes me want to do it less. When it’s someone who I care about putting me down it makes me so incredibly unmotivated and insecure.
And she does it with everything I want to pursue. Even me telling her I wanted to become a doctor she instantly put major doubts in my mind. I just can’t take her toxicity and negativity anymore :’).
watch when u enjoy something tooo much.. they’ll ruin it for u
Our parents have always said "I love you" very frequently, usually at least once a day while telling us good night. We recently had the thought that their idea of "love" in this case is more like what we'd call "diplomatic favor"
OMG, that is very interesting.
I never heard my mother say she loved me--^ in fact, she resented me all my life since she had me at 15 & said I "ruined" her life. Hard to see how being told you were loved is trauma.
@@LisaFenton-h7fThe main problem with it is that it messes up your concept of love. If your parent(s) abused you out of “love” and frequently told you as much, then love feels like abuse. Then, you get into relationships outside of your parents and wonder if those people love you because they’re not abusing you.
I recently realized we said it a lot and it usually meant goodbye because my daughter started doing it (she's an adult) I started realizing she told me she loved me when she was ready to go. When we were going to say goodbye for a while. When she was leaving the room. And I realize the only time I heard I love you was when we saw family that we hadn't seen in a long time or when they were going to leave we would say goodbye with I love you,.. You stay in touch now! Even one of my aunts couldn't hug all the way like that was the only time we showed affection as well... Only got hugged when we were saying hello or goodbye
@@stephaniesummerill7117wow I just realized my moms side of the family does this 😮weird
I was adopted at 11 years old, after having been in foster care most of my life up until that point and survived some pretty horrible and traumatic events. When I first met my adoptive parents, I thought I would finally be accepted, because it seemed like a perfect fairytale "ending" for someone like me. When I actually moved in, things took a turn for the worse: I was accused of lying, even when I told the truth, was even instructed by an older brother to just "tell mom what she wants to hear! That's the only way to get along with her." Even when I was just 10 years old, I knew something was very wrong and wanted nothing more to do with that entire situation. My "parents" were very much into appearances: if things looked perfect to the outside world, then they were a perfect family. Unfortunately, the case worker in charge of my case was manipulated very easily, into leaving me in that environment, by my adoptive mother. As I was growing up, I was sheltered from the real world, and exposed to things that originally caused me issues. I was abused by a family friend for years and then blamed for my own abuse when I got up the nerve to say something about it and was even called a liar, being told "if that really happened, you would've said something right away." I was told growing up that I'm not normal, that normal people don't have problems, that I will never have any kind of a normal life; I'll never drive a car, get married, have a career, have kids of my own. I can't do those things. For so many years, I actually believed it, and became even more angry, as I grew into a young adult. When I was 20, I had to figure out a place for me to go, without money, no car, just a high school diploma, zero employment experience and the words "You're not normal", "you can't do these things" echoing in my head.
That was almost 20 years ago now. I married the love of my life in 2011; I am currently employed full-time and attending online college full-time; I drive a car, have my driver's license. I have zero contact with my "parents"; have no criminal record, unlike some members of my "family"; and my husband of 10 years and I are hoping to start our family soon but are hitting bumps in that particular road for now.
Something I have learned: I'm tougher than I think; despite horrible things being done to me throughout a very significant period in my life, my moral compass is intact-I know the difference between right and wrong and treat others with kindness, compassion and understanding. In addition, there's nothing in this world I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I'm also a quirky person, and there's nothing wrong with being a little weird.
"my moral compass is intact-I know the difference between right and wrong and treat others with kindness, compassion and understanding. In addition, there's nothing in this world I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I'm also a quirky person, and there's nothing wrong with being a little weird."
This is beautifully put. You know yourself, which is such a strength. And you express yourself so well. xx
WTG 👏 👏 👏 👏 yes! 💪
So sorry god bless you ♥️🙏🏼
Kudos for chucking the "parents," apparently you don't need them. I'm so happy for you that you found a loving husband and that you managed to overcome all those lies you were fed with. I hope you and your husband manage to start that family you're hoping for. you pulled that other stuff off, you'll pull this off as well! 😊☕
You have done well you should be very proud of yourself !!!!!
Took me 60 years to come to the conclusion that my mother was miserable and just how damaging it was for me. I felt and acted out all the misery. I never liked my mother and thought there was something wrong with me. It all makes sense and parents need to recognize how important their well being is to their children.
Thank you for putting this into words. Growing up I used to tell other kids that I hated my mother, I simply didn't care for her and thought this was a commonality, then quickly realized I must be deeply disturbed not to like my own parent. It's really hard to deal with never experiencing the child end of a maternal / paternal bond. She was and still is an absolutely miserable human.
@@glittery8862 thanks for the validation. I also just became more conscious of the impact on my nervous system. Fight , flight or freeze open to the max through childhood drove me to a lot of behavior that reflected my level of terror. Whew I’m really tired. I’m lucky I was able to put my experience to good use in the work I do with traumatized children and families. Domestic violence and substance abuse destroys children. I’m counseling moms to make their well-being a priority.
I don't like mine either. Love, but not like. Frankly she always creeped me out. I've never articulated that fact before.
@@middleofnowhere1313 it’s so important to trust your intuition. My mother didn’t like me first😂
I need this -all of this. He has validated my fears, life, and childhood experiences of trauma. It explains a lot.
Relating to #2: People don’t want to know you. I always take interest in other’s lives, ask open questions, and I try to learn things here and there about their interests so I have something to add to conversation.
I feel I don’t have this reciprocated, often, if ever. And when I do get asked questions about myself, I feel an intense fear in my body, but numb in the brain. I feel like nobody really cares, they just say their lines, where I’m not even trying to care, I just care. I love people. People don’t love me, it feels like. This might not be true but my experience has subverted reality and I can’t escape it
I can so relate. I will ask questions and remember what they tell me. They never ask me those questions. But I now realize it’s because most of the people I have either lived with or dated or were friends with were narcissists or had high traits. They loved me because I cared about them and their lives and they didn’t have to care about mine. I think a real friend would reciprocate. I just tend to attract users.
I relate to this so so so much!!! I’m constantly expressing interest in other but never get any questions back.
Omg- thank you for articulating this so well. Can so relate .
I wonder now that I know more, is it people who had to soothe, caretake, fawn , etc to survive who develop that sensitivity to others , while having to protect our inner world from assault at the same time .
Then we are out in the world as adults meeting just “normal” people who haven’t had to develop this “skill” or narcissistic or otherwise troubled people who feed us?
I meant narc people who feed off us, not feed us lol
I relate with this too.
“All things do end” is hard for me because I’m always aware that the good things will end, but I find it hard to remember the bad things do too.
I didn’t realize how toxic my family was until this past year. Your channel is giving me the descriptive language I never knew I lacked. Thank you!
Same here. These videos have been eye opening
When you started talking about "no one wants to know me," I felt resistance. I thought, "Maybe that's a lie for other people, but it's true for me."
Then you mentioned the self isolation, being exhausted by others, and connecting only on a surface level. Having a parent with no friends, raised in a family on the fringes of society, and neglected.
I thought of the friend I've been talking to for over two years who I've been holding back from, saying, "I'm fine," whenever asked because I'm scared if I say anything else she'll stop talking to me.
And now I'm sitting here, wondering how I've believed this lie so wholeheartedly for so long.
Thank you so much for this.
Damn I'm the parent with no friends. I'm trying so hard to fix my issues, apparently not enough
Not enough. Sigh. I didn't do that on purpose
Hmm… can you trust that person with your pain? If not, look for someone safe
This video is a bitter pill of truth.
Seeing other people in love is so bittersweet for me because I want the same so badly but I'm also so happy for them and how beautiful love can be.
You know, I feel like one of our biggest problems nowadays is that when we actually express that we've had a hard life and we're struggling to feel good or better about our lives or ourselves, some people (esp older generations, our grandparents/parents) will answer things like "oh you're not the only one who has had a hard life! I lived blabla some war, there are children in Africa who are dying" and such and such. When we express our struggles, people act as if we were not considerate of others' struggles. I just feel like people who answer stuff like "how do you think I feel??" To someone expressing how they feel is just... another kind of abuse
Yup I was told others have it worse well yes there's always someone out there who has it better or worse but to discredit my feelings and not be listened to was so damaging and I'm almost 40 still healing.
You know I completely get where you are coming from however, the older a person is the more trauma they carry . These older people also never get help. In the end they become miserable , unhappy and cynical. So I get where you are coming from but it's best not to approach the older folks. Go see the therapist they think is a fake,instead.
They’re invalidating your experience and feelings while simultaneously making it about themselves. Likely because their feelings and experiences were invalidated as well. It can be a vicious cycle because we all want to be seen, heard, and known.
Felt this. Was diagnosed with PTSD and late diagnosed autistic, and this is pretty much the attitude my father took in a nutshell. Tried to talk to him about it as he supposedly wanted to know, but realized he was just going to be invalidating and not understand. Sadly, I just had to walk away from both of my parents. I totally hate this attitude because of course I understand that there are people in much worse situations, but it doesn't make my experiences, my pain any less real.
It’s frustrating when the proof is literally in the pudding. Yup, you had hurdles in your life, but you had parents that taught you how to jump over them. I had parents who taught me how to stumble even when there wasn’t a hurdle.
The absence of obvious hardship to the casual observer becomes a hardship in and of itself.
"we accept the love we think we deserve"
4/5 years ago I read that quote once, it's never left my head and is so true and relivent to my observation of today's society.
It's from a book called The Perks of being a Wallflower. I read it in high school and that quote changed my life.
An offshoot of the “love isn’t real” one for me is “love exists for other people, but not for me.” I’ve kind of given up on finding love because every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in disappointment.
Mother always told me that no man would ever want me. But now I have an amazing boyfriend. To me that is a huge accomplishment & literally feel like I achieved the impossible.
Edit: what I’m trying to get at but I’m not sure if I did this is that you shouldn’t give up. But you need to look either. I found my boyfriend once I was okay with myself & he just wandered into my life. I hope & I hope the same for you too.
Is ok to give up, life is more than finding a partner and some things are even better than that!
I feel this comment. I always felt if my mom couldnt love me who could or would. Like im just not good enough to deserve to be loved. I realize now shes just not capable of love and because she wasnt happy i shouldnt be either. Im trying to teach myself differetly.
Honestly best advice imo is to try not to force it, focus on other things in life, and if you meet someone along the way, great, if not, that's okay. You'll undoubtedly makes some friends along the way at least
@@lost8257 yes! I agree completely. Worked for me & boyfriend at least
I had no idea until I saw your videos that what I experienced as a child could be described as “ a thing”. The toxic parent or sibling that wasn’t necessarily physically abusive. That a lack of parenting could fall under childhood trauma. I watched this video out of curiosity, not expecting so much of it to hit home. My mind is kind of blown right now.
I'm happy for you. I wish more people were exposed to these videos.
I’m 59 years old. I’ve had so much “therapy”. You are the only person who makes it all so clear. You are wonderful.
The example in #5 about not interacting with friends for fear of losing with them really hit home for me. It's something I've talked about with my closest friend and I'm working on taking initiative more in my friendships.
You should watch "The silent voice"
Courage!!! You can do it
A lot if not all of of these resonated with me. Others ones for me are "no one can help me" and "I am on my own, I cannot rely on anyone else".
big time. self-reliant to a fault as a result.
It's scarey how spot on Patrick is...I have most of these
. I so wish this information was available when I was younger.
Interesting, I find if I do ask for help (i.e., pay someone) they mess it up. There is never a positive outcome. I figured this was my life lesson to learn that I can do these tasks myself successfully. I truly believe when you’re connected to Source all answers are within. It only makes sense that I have the skill set to accomplish whatever is required. ❤️♥️❤️
HOLY CRAP ARE YOU ME lol
Same. ❤
Many of these hit close to home for me. Love was very conditional growing up with my dad. He "disowned" me whenever I did something he didn't like or didn't do something he wanted me to do. Love for me was very conditional. I also felt very sexualized covertly by my dad. I learned from him that my whole worth as a female was to sexually please men. Took me a long time to realize I had more to offer. I never felt heard or valued by him. There was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, not only by him but by my brothers too. Lots of sarcastic verbal abuse that they thought was funny. Me, not so much! I am 62 and still feel very messed up by all that. My dad has passed and I don't have any contact with one of my brothers because he is still very abusive towards me. I feel I am beyond getting past it all at this point. I have major trust and self-esteem issues and have trouble believing in real love.
I'm 57 and totally understand how you feel. I've accepted the possibility that my future will probably involve living on my own with my pets and a few friends.
You can. Start with loving yourself. Ask yourself "what would someone who loves themselves do" with every decision you make. Fake it til you make it.
There are some great books and resources out there. I felt unlovable till probably about my mid 30's. Now I realize that I can't control what happened, but I can control the outcome. I was able to join a wonderful parish which helped a lot and also found a great group of friends through a local gaming group. Remember, you don't have to be family to be blood and don't waste your time on people who don't see your value.
I have a similar story, though I am 73. I only have 1 sibling left; all have died, as have both parents. And still I am struggling with this last sister who is 75 and the golden child (I was the youngest of 4). I had hoped I would be "free" once they were all dead, or at least once we "matured". Not true. My sister and I still clash. I have so much work to do. This video helped me to see that.