Chapters: 0:00 Intro 1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting 3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead) 4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background 5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead) 6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking 7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead) 8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know 10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead) 11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing 12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead) 13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out 14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead) 15:26 Final Thoughts 16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly. My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it? Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business. But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me. It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond. I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :) and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that… I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!” Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
Thank you so much for this! These are all things I have struggled with and I have something to work with now. Other social anxiety "help" just heaps on the shame of not being normal and wanting to get out and talk to people. This makes me curious about why I do these things and how to work myself out of it. ❤
Making the mistake of assuming people have the knowledge you have is key. People aren't mind readers. They haven't read the same books or have had the same experiences as you. Also, assuming people share your interests as you just because they are of the same sex and in the same age group as you is very common. Asuming they have the same tastes in food, drink, clothing, music, TV programmes and films as well too. Or because you have one interest in common, say birdwatching or painting, then you would have other interests in common. See people as individuals that you don't know much about rather than putting them into a box based on their age group, sex and appearance. And listen to them.
6 місяців тому+3
1. You never miss. 2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on UA-cam. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it. Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
Yea I mean, as soon as there's an interaction that's negative between me and someone else, they hate me..right? 😅 I mean, love to instant hate, I forget the in-between
What a treasure!! When I was a Girl Scout, we learned (our motto: Be prepared.) This is so helpful for me now going forward. Little scripts and tricks to keep the boogie man at bay!! Yay! Always at the ready and therefore very calming in the social realm. I am just so glad I am now mature enough to embrace this new approach. Thank you, Patrick!
This has happened to me for years and I was not able to put my finger on the reason. Just recently something hapened and memories of emotional neglect have been coming and coming as if I opened a water tap. I am grieving and sad, but I am also grateful to see that many of the things that I did were the result of abuse, because I can stop wondering and start working on it. Your channel has been a beacon of light for me, Patrick. I really appreciate it. ❤
Patrick, you help so much by being so authentic and real. Your sharing of your past allows me to trust what you are saying… so here is social awkwardness I am struggling with: I don’t know how to throw a birthday party for my young children. We go to these parties of other families and I see the elaborate and well planned events. I am happy for everyone - but I don’t know how to do this for my little ones. I maybe had one or two birthday parties as a child. I remember being screamed at and nervous. So I have no concept of what to do. And I want to do better for my kids- they deserve it. But my brain just shuts down when I try to plan, invite or organize one. I become paralyzed. It may sound silly, but I don’t want my children to feel “less than” worthy on their birthdays - just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Maybe add this peculiar adult outcome of being neglected as a child to your videos - I don’t want to pass this on to my little ones.
Saw my "bad" habits here I've felt negativity about in overtaking and oversharing. Your describing alternatives and reasons why I do this is really relaxing and useful. Your insights are above any I've heard from a therapist before. It's so hopeful.
Your videos, as well as others on this subject are sometimes shocking and it makes so much sense how childhood trauma responses are basically my whole personality right now. Yet, at the same time it’s devastating.
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
🙈😱 I'm still making so many mistakes when I try to socialise, but I'm also just trying to give myself time to practice and get better at being a functional human. I'm trying to just learn each time and keep living a life (when my cptsd anxiety is telling me to avoid people/things)
This specific topic has affected me immensely in life. I’m 33 now and much more accepting of myself. Will really try and apply these shifts in my thoughts!!
I thought the alcoholic in recovery was actually a good analogy. This stuff, the blurting, over talking and oversharing particularly feel like addictions. It is helpful too to recognise it as the inner child seeking connection and have some compassion for them. Thanks for the insights.
My empathic nature has allowed me to reflect on a lot of my assumptions, reasoning through what may be happening with the other people I meet. (So I kind of intuitively learned what you teach here.) However, my low self-esteem definitely leans toward assuming the worst even though I have the aforementioned awareness. Due to not being socialized prior to attending school, I became all the more quiet and observant. I was therefore seen as shy and I never felt this was an accurate label, which increased my social awkwardness; wanting and trying to not be perceived as shy. More recently, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to care about how not-shy I am and hope my honest (chill) presentation of myself will prove otherwise. It can be a challenge, especially in situations not related to work as I know I may not have more opportunities to be better understood (e.g., one-time encounters).
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
When people ask me how I am doing, I panic and blurt out something, anything, about what’s going on in my life, and then freeze and wait for them to give some sign of approval. When they don’t show obvious approval then I think I did it wrong. So I keep talking, waiting to get the signal that I’ve given an adequate enough response. Many times the social interaction will be over by this point, usually because they walk away, or our kids interrupt us. Then the self recrimination rolls in, telling me how dumb I was to not ask any questions of them in response. It’s not that I didn’t care, I was just always fearful of doing it all wrong. Now I force myself to keep my response to one sentence or two, and then barely remember to ask them how they are doing. But I’m still pretty sure I’m still doing it all wrong.
Im undersharing. Being so terribly scared of sharing my experiences for fear that ill be judged as stupid and worthless. I can work with people for 2-3 years and they know me only very superficially. The fear is overhwelming.
This was very helpful. I’m the opposite, I shut down sometimes to the point where people think I’m strange because I’m so quiet. When I’m myself, funny and kind people reflect that. I find some people are so genuine and have this genuine vulnerability with their story or experiences and it’s come across so natural and human so to speak, not coming from like a trauma response if that makes sense. I struggle with wanting and needing to be authentic without feeling shameful or embarrassed.
I just adore these, thank you so much Patrick. I especially love when you give examples they are always dead on for me! It feels so good to finally understand why i behave the way I have and to have such "text book" symptoms to which there is a remedy.
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
I over-explain because I’m so worried that someone will think badly of me if I don’t explain everything I did and why I did it at every stage, even when it is kind of irrelevant to the fairly simple thing I actually wanted to convey. I used to be very concise in what I said, but I’d be so nervous that I’d forget to ask questions about the other person, even though I was actually very interested in who they were and wanted to get to know them better. When I started asking questions the conversation started to flow in most cases, but I live in Switzerland and even after knowing someone for a decade or more they still don’t open up about their problems and emotions very much, if at all. I thought that if I told them about some of my stupid mistakes and personal difficulties that they would feel safer sharing theirs. I probably overshared a bit too much so maybe they thought that I would share their private stuff with others in the same way as I shared my own? I think also people sense my extreme neediness and that scares them off. I AM desperate to make friends with people I can trust to have my back as I definitely have theirs and find myself defending others with an unusual amount of courage, but any attempt I make to stand up for myself always seems to backfire. I know that I would like validation and reassurance by the lorry load - it would still probably be insufficient to confirm that my feelings are valid and normal or that I am a reasonable decent person, possibly worthy of their time and even might be good enough and nice enough for them to consider developing a closer friendship with. This probably feels to them that they have no choice but to at least pretend to be friends with me as they are afraid that I’ll fall apart and be completely crushed if they were to admit outright that they think I’m a crackpot and there is no hope of them accepting me as a real friend. I would be crushed and terribly upset, although I’d probably tell them it was fine and not to worry about it, except there would be tears rolling down my face which I couldn’t hold in, so it wouldn’t be very. Convincing. I’m 56 now and I don’t have any close friends. I have my husband at least, but having a healthy female friendship is different to the friendship I have with my husband. They just get what it’s like to be a woman and a mother and unfortunately he can’t be either of those things. My sister hates me for marrying and having a family which unfortunately has not happened for her. My mother has a long track record of simply not caring whether I live or die and has always manipulated us and sometimes says hateful things when she’s drunk (which is every evening as far back as I can remember. I stopped feeling anything for her after an incident that happened when I was about 15, she literally turned her back on me while I was begging her to talk to me about it or at least say something. She totally ignored my distressed pleas to her. My heart just shut it’s doors to her that day, it just happened involuntarily really because I truly believed in that moment that she’d closed her heart to me, if it had ever been open in the first place which seems quite doubtful. Sorry for the long comment.
"Have a good day!" -L.A. Beast I feel too broken to try and make friends and feel like my friendship would be a burden, like giving someone a sweet deal on a house but when they move in they see how shitty the last owner left it and now feel trapped with a fixer upper.
I have a problem assuming people dont know - or, are incapable of processing what I am saying - so, I overexplain. I am nurodivergent, for reference. I also have a lot of self inflicted emotional trauma because of this. Like, I am simply bad at socalizing, it was, and still is, very hard on me. Moving forward can be challenging because I have to both, process the trauma, and put in extra effort to socalize normally. Without putting in too much effort. I notice a lot of people in my shoes strugle with this.
This reminded me of an interview of Andrew Bustamante on Diary of a CEO's channel. He is a former CIA agent and he touched on cultivating an objective perspective. I would be intrigued to see your reaction to the interview and know if what he shared would be helpful to those who've experienced childhood trauma.
All of your videos are so rich and dense in information, I nearly want to pause the video after every single sentence in order to digest what you said.
I think I use to overshare because i didnt want to be misunderstood and then have assumptions of who i was - used against me. I also think a lot of it was hoping someone- anyone, would understand me. Even at all... I realize now I had hoped I'd find someone further along on their healing journey so they could hold a mirror to me and reveal the places i was stuck.😅😔
I don't follow along with every video. Sometimes more than others but this one...yes.. and yes.. everything, outside of the social awkwardness on a date because I've been married for 30 years... But I wrote down what hit me right out of the gate.. THIS PERSON ISN'T YOUR KIND OF A PERSON BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT NOT BEING LIKEABLE.... Why is it so hard to grasp? Why are we always wanting everybody to like us, even though! They're not really our kind of person?! I just turned 60 this year and I still struggle with all of this. Making a deal with myself that I'm going to "be normal"? Or at least act in the way I think is normal? End up oversharing ..ugh .I relate to it all ... We retired..moved out of state, tiny community...not knowing a soul...Im struggling to make friends..REAL friends ...like minded...like you mentioned...already feeling ..who doesn't like me...which .makes me feel really bad...so hard not feeling connected to anyone pretty much...I will try all those suggestions...and visit the possibilities..that.. example just the other day i opened my arms to hug someone..and it was awkward.. hesitant on their part..and .. disingenuous on their part ..and after? I swore.. I was never going to do that again.. but! I later learned that this person hadn't been feeling good and maybe? She didn't want to get me sick? My relationship with this person is strained anyway so I wasn't surprised by this hug thing...so.. don't know what the answer is... But I like what you said about try to consider what else might be happening... Yeah..this hit home for sure...
thanks for this. It wasn't until I was in my early thirties that a friend, an honest friend, told me that people couldn't read my thoughts/mind... it took a while for that to sink in at that moment, then omg, she's right! Up until that point it was an unconscious belief running in the background.
What about when ppl take jabs at you in conversation or say slick underhanded comments , “jokes” etc that make you feel embarrassed. But u have no quick comebacks . So awkward and uncomfortable. You just sit there embarrassed and feeling like you want to disappear . Always wished I could think quickly on my feet and have a clever comeback . Sometimes I rehearse comebacks in my head before the interaction . Smh . Exhausting . I’m better off staying away from ppl that make me feel that way . I only enjoy the company of ppl that make me feel safe . Not those that I’m on edge around because I know at any moment they may say something off the wall to me and hurt my feelings . No thank u.
Patrick I’m sure you’ve covered this somewhere, but can you break down the benefits of group sharing. It seems like a bridge too far after the scapegoating, no contact and constant need of a Silkwood shower. It’s the exposure I suppose that seems too risky or endangering to know it would be safe or worthwhile. Isolating is one way to avoid social awkwardness.
What about under-sharing? I struggle to keep conversations going or even start them in the first place. My mind goes blank and I don’t know what to say/ or I feel the other person won’t understand
I call my overshare "forced closeness". I want people to hear my story and I want them to bond with over some shared trauma I think. That's the most insight I have been able to get on it. Also, if they can't deal, then maybe they aren't for me? I know thats kinda unfair tho
Does anyone ever give advice to people who have been severely abused by NON ALCOHOLIC parents?? My parents were extremely sober but also very abusive. I often feel isolated when the discussion is all about alcoholism, cheating, molesting parents. You can be abused by seemingly good people… the fact that there was no substance abuse doesn’t minimize how bad it was. I’d appreciate some examples of how parents can cause CPTSD while being completely sober and seemingly moral individuals
Most of the times i have the opposite problem- i cant make myself speak. I just freeze or say something unclear and then feel awkward as i could have handled it so much better… but at other times i also speak too much . In both cases i believe people cant stand me..
The more singled out I am, the more awkward I become. 8 developed stage fright after junior high, I imagine from continued body shaming as I grew into a woman. Edit: I definitely over talk then notice and shut up and usually say something like I'm rambling and apologize.
What happened to me is that my family social gatherings were so unpredictable and passive-aggressive nasty, etc.., that I sort of got general social anxiety because of those experiences.
What about those of us who do the opposite? I don’t over share because I don’t share at all. I can’t even get myself to go into a coworkers cubicle to start a conversation. I never know what to say. And even if I had something to say my anxiety would stop me.
2 min in: ‘people are not perpetrators’. I think I will disagree here…..anyone who looks for info they can use against you, is a perp. Oversharers, no matter the reason for the oversharing, are at risk of attracting perps like this simply because of the info sharing aspect. While I have been uncomfortable listening to an oversharer, I can honestly say that I have never ‘kept’ any info and planned to use it against them later. Therefore, it IS possible to act ethically and kindly, toward oversharers. Perps should be ashamed.
You're misinterpreting what he said. He said in his "examples" that the hypothetical people invovled are not perpetrators. He is referring to social awkwardness in non-abuse situations.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting
3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead)
4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background
5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead)
6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking
7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead)
8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know
10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead)
11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing
12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead)
13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out
14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead)
15:26 Final Thoughts
16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly.
My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it?
Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
That I was very helpful. Lots of good tips on that one🤘🏼😎
The "you hate me" in the thumbnail is what gets me. I always jump to that thought. Fear of people hating me
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business.
But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me.
It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
Me too!
Me too
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
I'm the opposite
My biggest fear is bothering anyone. That has so much weight in my anxiety. Assume everyone is bothered
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond.
I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
Offenting people
❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
This is me all my life
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
I can relate to everything you said especially feeling the most safe when I’m alone and at home.
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
I'm 72--feeng the same.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
Right there with you.
I know how that feels.
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :)
and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
Well said.
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
😂🙌🏼
😂😂😂
Loll. I would have leaned it and asked for all the gory details, butlers and everything
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that…
I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!”
Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
Thank you!
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
Wow this is a very specific comment but I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone say that there’s nothing wrong with being shy
Sometimes I feel like my pets hate me too. It’s crazy how far this extends.
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
Thank you so much for this! These are all things I have struggled with and I have something to work with now. Other social anxiety "help" just heaps on the shame of not being normal and wanting to get out and talk to people. This makes me curious about why I do these things and how to work myself out of it. ❤
Making the mistake of assuming people have the knowledge you have is key. People aren't mind readers. They haven't read the same books or have had the same experiences as you.
Also, assuming people share your interests as you just because they are of the same sex and in the same age group as you is very common. Asuming they have the same tastes in food, drink, clothing, music, TV programmes and films as well too. Or because you have one interest in common, say birdwatching or painting, then you would have other interests in common.
See people as individuals that you don't know much about rather than putting them into a box based on their age group, sex and appearance. And listen to them.
1. You never miss.
2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
I'm an extrovert. never met a stranger i couldn't talk to. Now i don't want to talk to any of them.
I am 48 years old and recently have been having issues with interactions and you just helped me learn where I need to start looking. thank you
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on UA-cam. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it.
Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
So looking forward to this!
Me too!
I’m very much in my head in social situations trying to calm myself down
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
100% interested in seeing a video on how to get to know others gradually and safely!
😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮 patrick, the timing of this video is impeccable i just moved out for university
"That sounds like episode 147 of Star Trek", was hilarious.
And it’s some thing I would say😂
and not just an arbitrary example but totally relevant 😀 147th episode of TNG is Season 6 Episode 21 - "Frame of Mind"
Yea I mean, as soon as there's an interaction that's negative between me and someone else, they hate me..right? 😅 I mean, love to instant hate, I forget the in-between
What a treasure!! When I was a Girl Scout, we learned (our motto: Be prepared.) This is so helpful for me now going forward. Little scripts and tricks to keep the boogie man at bay!! Yay! Always at the ready and therefore very calming in the social realm. I am just so glad I am now mature enough to embrace this new approach. Thank you, Patrick!
This has happened to me for years and I was not able to put my finger on the reason. Just recently something hapened and memories of emotional neglect have been coming and coming as if I opened a water tap. I am grieving and sad, but I am also grateful to see that many of the things that I did were the result of abuse, because I can stop wondering and start working on it. Your channel has been a beacon of light for me, Patrick. I really appreciate it. ❤
Patrick, you help so much by being so authentic and real. Your sharing of your past allows me to trust what you are saying… so here is social awkwardness I am struggling with:
I don’t know how to throw a birthday party for my young children. We go to these parties of other families and I see the elaborate and well planned events. I am happy for everyone - but I don’t know how to do this for my little ones. I maybe had one or two birthday parties as a child. I remember being screamed at and nervous. So I have no concept of what to do. And I want to do better for my kids- they deserve it.
But my brain just shuts down when I try to plan, invite or organize one. I become paralyzed. It may sound silly, but I don’t want my children to feel “less than” worthy on their birthdays - just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Maybe add this peculiar adult outcome of being neglected as a child to your videos - I don’t want to pass this on to my little ones.
Saw my "bad" habits here I've felt negativity about in overtaking and oversharing. Your describing alternatives and reasons why I do this is really relaxing and useful. Your insights are above any I've heard from a therapist before. It's so hopeful.
Ohhhh my GOSH!!! I never knew this is a "thing"!! Lived it for 50+ years and really thought nobody else experienced it 😂😂
Your videos, as well as others on this subject are sometimes shocking and it makes so much sense how childhood trauma responses are basically my whole personality right now. Yet, at the same time it’s devastating.
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
🙈😱 I'm still making so many mistakes when I try to socialise, but I'm also just trying to give myself time to practice and get better at being a functional human.
I'm trying to just learn each time and keep living a life (when my cptsd anxiety is telling me to avoid people/things)
This specific topic has affected me immensely in life. I’m 33 now and much more accepting of myself. Will really try and apply these shifts in my thoughts!!
I thought the alcoholic in recovery was actually a good analogy. This stuff, the blurting, over talking and oversharing particularly feel like addictions. It is helpful too to recognise it as the inner child seeking connection and have some compassion for them. Thanks for the insights.
My empathic nature has allowed me to reflect on a lot of my assumptions, reasoning through what may be happening with the other people I meet. (So I kind of intuitively learned what you teach here.) However, my low self-esteem definitely leans toward assuming the worst even though I have the aforementioned awareness.
Due to not being socialized prior to attending school, I became all the more quiet and observant. I was therefore seen as shy and I never felt this was an accurate label, which increased my social awkwardness; wanting and trying to not be perceived as shy.
More recently, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to care about how not-shy I am and hope my honest (chill) presentation of myself will prove otherwise. It can be a challenge, especially in situations not related to work as I know I may not have more opportunities to be better understood (e.g., one-time encounters).
Thanks for also offering "what to do instead"---great practical advice!
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
When people ask me how I am doing, I panic and blurt out something, anything, about what’s going on in my life, and then freeze and wait for them to give some sign of approval.
When they don’t show obvious approval then I think I did it wrong. So I keep talking, waiting to get the signal that I’ve given an adequate enough response.
Many times the social interaction will be over by this point, usually because they walk away, or our kids interrupt us.
Then the self recrimination rolls in, telling me how dumb I was to not ask any questions of them in response.
It’s not that I didn’t care, I was just always fearful of doing it all wrong.
Now I force myself to keep my response to one sentence or two, and then barely remember to ask them how they are doing. But I’m still pretty sure I’m still doing it all wrong.
The blurt thing I had to re-listen to. To know it’s a real thing not a glitch in my dna-amazing 😮😂
Definitely over reading. Im afraid of speaking at all, of being a burden, of not dealing with things myself.
Im undersharing. Being so terribly scared of sharing my experiences for fear that ill be judged as stupid and worthless. I can work with people for 2-3 years and they know me only very superficially. The fear is overhwelming.
This was very helpful. I’m the opposite, I shut down sometimes to the point where people think I’m strange because I’m so quiet. When I’m myself, funny and kind people reflect that. I find some people are so genuine and have this genuine vulnerability with their story or experiences and it’s come across so natural and human so to speak, not coming from like a trauma response if that makes sense. I struggle with wanting and needing to be authentic without feeling shameful or embarrassed.
I just adore these, thank you so much Patrick. I especially love when you give examples they are always dead on for me! It feels so good to finally understand why i behave the way I have and to have such "text book" symptoms to which there is a remedy.
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
I over-explain because I’m so worried that someone will think badly of me if I don’t explain everything I did and why I did it at every stage, even when it is kind of irrelevant to the fairly simple thing I actually wanted to convey. I used to be very concise in what I said, but I’d be so nervous that I’d forget to ask questions about the other person, even though I was actually very interested in who they were and wanted to get to know them better. When I started asking questions the conversation started to flow in most cases, but I live in Switzerland and even after knowing someone for a decade or more they still don’t open up about their problems and emotions very much, if at all. I thought that if I told them about some of my stupid mistakes and personal difficulties that they would feel safer sharing theirs. I probably overshared a bit too much so maybe they thought that I would share their private stuff with others in the same way as I shared my own?
I think also people sense my extreme neediness and that scares them off. I AM desperate to make friends with people I can trust to have my back as I definitely have theirs and find myself defending others with an unusual amount of courage, but any attempt I make to stand up for myself always seems to backfire. I know that I would like validation and reassurance by the lorry load - it would still probably be insufficient to confirm that my feelings are valid and normal or that I am a reasonable decent person, possibly worthy of their time and even might be good enough and nice enough for them to consider developing a closer friendship with. This probably feels to them that they have no choice but to at least pretend to be friends with me as they are afraid that I’ll fall apart and be completely crushed if they were to admit outright that they think I’m a crackpot and there is no hope of them accepting me as a real friend. I would be crushed and terribly upset, although I’d probably tell them it was fine and not to worry about it, except there would be tears rolling down my face which I couldn’t hold in, so it wouldn’t be very. Convincing. I’m 56 now and I don’t have any close friends. I have my husband at least, but having a healthy female friendship is different to the friendship I have with my husband. They just get what it’s like to be a woman and a mother and unfortunately he can’t be either of those things. My sister hates me for marrying and having a family which unfortunately has not happened for her. My mother has a long track record of simply not caring whether I live or die and has always manipulated us and sometimes says hateful things when she’s drunk (which is every evening as far back as I can remember. I stopped feeling anything for her after an incident that happened when I was about 15, she literally turned her back on me while I was begging her to talk to me about it or at least say something. She totally ignored my distressed pleas to her. My heart just shut it’s doors to her that day, it just happened involuntarily really because I truly believed in that moment that she’d closed her heart to me, if it had ever been open in the first place which seems quite doubtful.
Sorry for the long comment.
This video describes typical behaviors of my ex-spouse and my sister. Destructive, controlling people who are no longer in my life.
When it happens over and over again, their basically telling you, they really don’t want you around
"Have a good day!" -L.A. Beast
I feel too broken to try and make friends and feel like my friendship would be a burden, like giving someone a sweet deal on a house but when they move in they see how shitty the last owner left it and now feel trapped with a fixer upper.
The best youtube channel I've found about childhood trauma. I love your work! It has helped me so so much.
Yoo hair looks good dude! Thanks for all you do.
This was so needed and so timely. I just started a new job and it has triggered SO MUCH of this. It’s like this video was made just for me. Thank you!
I have a problem assuming people dont know - or, are incapable of processing what I am saying - so, I overexplain.
I am nurodivergent, for reference.
I also have a lot of self inflicted emotional trauma because of this. Like, I am simply bad at socalizing, it was, and still is, very hard on me. Moving forward can be challenging because I have to both, process the trauma, and put in extra effort to socalize normally. Without putting in too much effort.
I notice a lot of people in my shoes strugle with this.
This reminded me of an interview of Andrew Bustamante on Diary of a CEO's channel. He is a former CIA agent and he touched on cultivating an objective perspective. I would be intrigued to see your reaction to the interview and know if what he shared would be helpful to those who've experienced childhood trauma.
I've really needed this video, thank you Patrick.
All of your videos are so rich and dense in information, I nearly want to pause the video after every single sentence in order to digest what you said.
I think I use to overshare because i didnt want to be misunderstood and then have assumptions of who i was - used against me.
I also think a lot of it was hoping someone- anyone, would understand me. Even at all... I realize now I had hoped I'd find someone further along on their healing journey so they could hold a mirror to me and reveal the places i was stuck.😅😔
The oversharing was insightful. Thank you!
Thank you! Very concise and useful❤
Very good, specific, helpful. 💪🏼
I don't follow along with every video. Sometimes more than others but this one...yes.. and yes.. everything, outside of the social awkwardness on a date because I've been married for 30 years...
But I wrote down what hit me right out of the gate..
THIS PERSON ISN'T YOUR KIND OF A PERSON BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT NOT BEING LIKEABLE....
Why is it so hard to grasp? Why are we always wanting everybody to like us, even though! They're not really our kind of person?!
I just turned 60 this year and I still struggle with all of this. Making a deal with myself that I'm going to "be normal"? Or at least act in the way I think is normal? End up oversharing ..ugh .I relate to it all ...
We retired..moved out of state, tiny community...not knowing a soul...Im struggling to make friends..REAL friends ...like minded...like you mentioned...already feeling ..who doesn't like me...which .makes me feel really bad...so hard not feeling connected to anyone pretty much...I will try all those suggestions...and visit the possibilities..that.. example just the other day i opened my arms to hug someone..and it was awkward.. hesitant on their part..and .. disingenuous on their part ..and after? I swore.. I was never going to do that again.. but! I later learned that this person hadn't been feeling good and maybe? She didn't want to get me sick? My relationship with this person is strained anyway so I wasn't surprised by this hug thing...so.. don't know what the answer is...
But I like what you said about try to consider what else might be happening...
Yeah..this hit home for sure...
thanks for this.
It wasn't until I was in my early thirties that a friend, an honest friend, told me that people couldn't read my thoughts/mind... it took a while for that to sink in at that moment, then omg, she's right!
Up until that point it was an unconscious belief running in the background.
We love you Patrick. Super helpful. :)
Thank you so much for this video, Patrick.
What about when ppl take jabs at you in conversation or say slick underhanded comments , “jokes” etc that make you feel embarrassed. But u have no quick comebacks . So awkward and uncomfortable. You just sit there embarrassed and feeling like you want to disappear . Always wished I could think quickly on my feet and have a clever comeback . Sometimes I rehearse comebacks in my head before the interaction . Smh . Exhausting . I’m better off staying away from ppl that make me feel that way . I only enjoy the company of ppl that make me feel safe . Not those that I’m on edge around because I know at any moment they may say something off the wall to me and hurt my feelings . No thank u.
ughhh i feel your pain.
Thank you so much for all your work and meaningful very helpful content Patrick
Patrick, you hit dead center for me. Thank you.
As I work on some of this stuff, I found it helpful to stop drinking alcohol. It’s been a year and I don’t have any regrets.
Patrick I’m sure you’ve covered this somewhere, but can you break down the benefits of group sharing. It seems like a bridge too far after the scapegoating, no contact and constant need of a Silkwood shower. It’s the exposure I suppose that seems too risky or endangering to know it would be safe or worthwhile. Isolating is one way to avoid social awkwardness.
Yeah…just did this on a first date last week and he’s ghosted me since 😂😂
Could you do a video about what not to overshare when it comes to getting to know a potential new friend?
What about under-sharing? I struggle to keep conversations going or even start them in the first place. My mind goes blank and I don’t know what to say/ or I feel the other person won’t understand
@St.Buddha_Brahman-Sun_of_Light this is really good advice! thank you
I call my overshare "forced closeness". I want people to hear my story and I want them to bond with over some shared trauma I think. That's the most insight I have been able to get on it. Also, if they can't deal, then maybe they aren't for me? I know thats kinda unfair tho
Does anyone ever give advice to people who have been severely abused by NON ALCOHOLIC parents?? My parents were extremely sober but also very abusive. I often feel isolated when the discussion is all about alcoholism, cheating, molesting parents. You can be abused by seemingly good people… the fact that there was no substance abuse doesn’t minimize how bad it was. I’d appreciate some examples of how parents can cause CPTSD while being completely sober and seemingly moral individuals
Thank you, Mr Patrick. Watching from the UK 🇬🇧
this was so concise and clear, thank you :)
This was amazing, thank you!
Wow this was really helpful to explain these behaviors and how to deal with them. Thank you!
Thank you so much Patrick. Very helpful. ❤
Most of the times i have the opposite problem- i cant make myself speak. I just freeze or say something unclear and then feel awkward as i could have handled it so much better… but at other times i also speak too much . In both cases i believe people cant stand me..
The more singled out I am, the more awkward I become. 8 developed stage fright after junior high, I imagine from continued body shaming as I grew into a woman. Edit: I definitely over talk then notice and shut up and usually say something like I'm rambling and apologize.
Stop talking about me 😂 yep, I'm in that boat. You really snagged my eye with the saying things even YOU don't know where it came from or why thing 😳
Though I may be neurodivergent (I am not entirely sure), I strongly related this!
What happened to me is that my family social gatherings were so unpredictable and passive-aggressive nasty, etc.., that I sort of got general social anxiety because of those experiences.
Thank u I will journal
Wow! I didn’t know all that!! I thought I’m just a little bit very much weird 😅
Yes, this is me.
What about those of us who do the opposite? I don’t over share because I don’t share at all. I can’t even get myself to go into a coworkers cubicle to start a conversation. I never know what to say. And even if I had something to say my anxiety would stop me.
Thanks!
So generous! Thank you for supporting the channel.❤️
It’s worth a billion dollars but that’s the closest I can get right now
Yea I'm always doing that shit too.
Have you discussed the connection of trauma symptoms to or difference from autism? It's confusing
thank you Patrick 🙏🏼
Star Trek Deep Space Nine season 6, episode 13, the 137th episode overall, entitled 'Far Beyond the Stars.'
2 min in: ‘people are not perpetrators’. I think I will disagree here…..anyone who looks for info they can use against you, is a perp. Oversharers, no matter the reason for the oversharing, are at risk of attracting perps like this simply because of the info sharing aspect. While I have been uncomfortable listening to an oversharer, I can honestly say that I have never ‘kept’ any info and planned to use it against them later. Therefore, it IS possible to act ethically and kindly, toward oversharers. Perps should be ashamed.
You're misinterpreting what he said. He said in his "examples" that the hypothetical people invovled are not perpetrators. He is referring to social awkwardness in non-abuse situations.
bruh this is so me i do all these things
my diamond. me too