Chapters: 0:00 Intro & Story TIme 3:38 Examples of Overwhelming Others 6:55 Connect With Me 7:23 How Overwhelming Others Impacts Our Relationships 10:08 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm 10:18 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm (The Vacuum) 11:29 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm (Seeking a Parent in Others) 12:29 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy 13:34 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Communication) 13:50 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Rescue) 14:13 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Validation) 14:41 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Preoccupied) 15:05 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Underlying Factors) 15:50 Role Plays and What to Do Instead 17:17 Communication: Intense/Overshare (Role Play) 18:40 Communication: Tangential (Role Play) 20:08 Examples (Communication) 21:01 Rescue: Overstepping (Role Play) 22:02 Rescue: Mindreading (Role Play) 22:54 Examples (Rescue) 23:55 Validation: Defensive (Role Play) 24:45 Examples (Validation) 25:49 Preoccupied: Shutting Down (Role Play) 27:05 Examples (Preoccupied) 28:27 Monthly Healing Community 28:42 Final Thoughts (What About the Other Person?) 30:23 Final Thoughts (Am I Too Much?) 31:29 Final Thoughts 31:50 Outro
Hi Patrick, Thank you so much for this content! It brings up a lot of Q's for me, so I hope you continue w/ some guidance on how to correct or modify our communication styles. The visual aids & role play examples are helpful! I don't have CPTSD but do experience many ADHD (frontal lobe) symptoms due to a past TBI. I'm confident & extroverted in social situations but tend to talk too much around people who are quiet (or just good listeners, ha). I can be descriptive when recalling a memory or talking about my passion/interests, but am typically "ok" when others join the conversation. Used to think it's bc I'm artistic & have a vivid LT memory, but may also feel discomfort from awkward silence. Also tend to have difficulty organizing & expressing thoughts succinctly to a conclusion (esp when no feedback, verbal or nonverbal cues). Yes, I was interrupted often in my family (despite being very quiet in childhood) but didn't deal w/ these issues til recent yrs... Does living/working alone contribute to being extra talkative around people? I suspect ADHD meds have been a factor as well, though I was similar during a 1-2 yr break from them. My docs don't help except w/ Rx's. TY!
Really solid acting, and so validating to see these alternative ways of being in the world due to early trauma. There are almost no representations in popular media to help us normalize our realities so we can heal more quickly, with less stigma. Thank you. 🙏
Complimenting your work to become such a great expert yourself now. Well done on the precision of role play's characterization and exact language. Your pace is perfect and insight-full for this "ready student" - I subscribed as you asked! Thank you.
I bought a journal, and I do not speak on my emotional or intellectual life to anyone, it all goes in there, the people around me are puzzled by my silence, but once I've vented on paper I have no need to express myself to them, I am more at peace, more self reflective, and more mindful of how I show up.....Get a journal and make it your habit, and a form of self care.😊
OH ! How wise! ... I Journal too... often, they are rather cryptic, maybe song lyrics, or a poem... even visual drawings ill do.. Because the ONLY thing I fear more than DEATH, is Dying and leaving behind the stories if my life... ... so I am afraid of being expressive/vulnerable/being judged... idk!!! 😵💫☹️🥴🤔
Part of my processing is getting things out into a bigger picture, so I write about real stress. It’s sad because it does make me feel better afterwards.
I think it's from not being listened to in childhood when it really, REALLY mattered by the people who could've helped, thereby saving me from the deafening silence of abuse & emotional abandonment, if only they'd listen, if only I'd say it in a way to make them actually take me seriously 😔
This comment is dedicated to the people who have all their lives heard people say “this conversation is too deep. Can we change to something lighter?” When it’s literally just a conversation that ISN’T gossip. Which the shallow aren’t used to. This comment is for people who talk too much or too little for others’ likings. My entire life I have had people criticize me for both being too talkative due to my high energy ADHD and other times for not talking enough when I am tired or not interested in a boring conversation. I go completely nonverbal when people are gossiping and trash talking others. I know there’s others out there like me. I’ve heard that I’m too optimistic for people’s liking. Know there’s more like you out there. “Saying the wrong thing” has been an immense insecurity my whole life for me due to constant criticism in my family and school. My therapist told me I need to trust that I have learned and evolved after years of therapy, and that it’s not a big deal to mess up in these ways. I hope this helps anyone who can relate ❤
yep I am tired of constantly monitoring my interactions and being overly mindful and focused on being appropriate when most of the people I deal with are rude, gossipy, shallow and completely self absorbed. People don’t want to go deep.
I’m totally the same. Luckily I work in education and there are other deep thinkers where I work. I have people who can have deep conversations for an hour or two and we take turns with our topics, analyze the crap out of it, laugh and know we are not aliens on this planet because we have each other for validation
Overwhelmed People overwhelm others. That’s me. How can I be with people whom overwhelm me, causing me to trigger others? And it seems that EVERYONE overwhelms me these days. I am becoming a hermit. I fantasize about social activities, but can’t wait to leave them after 20 min. Does anyone else feel this way?
I’m only 19 and I completely understand that. I want to go out and enjoy the town and make new friends, but I don’t have the energy to do so. If I go out, I turn into the quiet observer, and want to leave. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I overwhelm people and people overwhelm me. That means I have to get over my own feelings but at the same time consider everybody else's feeling. So, yeah doing things on my own has been great.
I definitely relate. I am lucky to have a lot of friends and good people in my life. Still, I have experience with family and bosses who are/were indirect in their communication. I sometimes get the vague but shamey feeling that I talk too much and outstay my welcome. Then I just retreat to my little nest (apartment) and enjoy my own company for a while.
I admire you a lot for going to social events. I don’t go to anything any more. I know it’s not a good thing to choose to isolate but I just can’t handle the drain of socializing.
@@ebd123it’s so interesting that you mentioned people being “vague”. I don’t normally pry into anyone’s business but often times people will call me because they’re upset about something that has happened and they end up giving an extremely condensed version of what happened. In turn, I feel genuinely empathetic and concerned so I inquire to learn more details and then they get put off by it. My interest and intense nature seem to overwhelm people so I tend to just keep to myself. I truly understand what you mean.
i almost always feel bad after I talk to someone. either I said too much, too little, or the wrong thing. I'm so sick of being a weirdo. I think the neediness and dysfunction come through to people even when you try to mask it.
Maybe this is why I don't have any friends. This video is overwhelming about me being overwhelming. I feel like crawling into a deep hole and giving up. I don't know how to "be" with other people. I don't know how to balance my energy and how to be authentic without being intense or running the energies that you spoke of. It is all just exhausting. I isolate and stay in my house for fear of being too much or a burden to others. I feel deeply lonely.
It is alot to take in at first but what I see with you, is you do have a good amount of insight which means you understand what is going on so your path to relearning communication is next steps. Admitting you are working on yourself as an aspect of your affect and allowing yourself practice to learn what works, while still being present. Don’t give up you are leaps ahead with your great insight!
Notice how people who fit well in supporting the very system that cultivates the abuse of others are rarely taught to work on themselves or acknowledge the ways they overwhelm or trigger us? It's a gross double standard. It's important to understand why things are happening and why we are being seen a certain way, but that doesn't mean we are wrong for it or that we deserve further invalidation, especially coming from our own selves (the last and only person we truly CAN depend on, and many of us abandon even them). Knowing this should be about protecting ourselves, not crippling and rejecting our souls further to appease the deatheaters in our lives.
I have bounced between being very secretive to over-sharing. Sometimes my over-sharing has felt like a runaway train (about to wreck) or an over-excited dog that cant calm down. That being said, I've listened to my portion of over-sharing strangers or acquaintances without feeling like I need to get away from them fast. I put this down to wanting to be compassionate because somewhere in their past I imagine they weren't listened to enough.
I’ve been trying so hard to retrain myself to not overshare. I’ve gotten so good at masking that I recently had an acquaintance at my volunteer job describe me with words like “nice”, “cool”, “chill”. Meanwhile I’m three years out of a decade-long heroin addiction, I’m having tons of health problems, I’m back living with my abusive parents, and I’m panicking about finding a job so I can get the f- out as soon as possible. I’m super anxious, unsure of myself, and intensely fearful of connection. I constantly feel like I’m about to spontaneously combust. But somehow I manage to appear “chill”. This shocked me.
Congratulations on three years sober. Us former addicts have a lot of experience pretending - pretending we are fine, okay, just tired, no big deal ... No wonder you find yourself subconsciously doing it so masterfully. I, too, have found myself overcorrecting from the time of active addiction - from being overly weary, distraught, walking on eggshells to overly "chill", withdrawn, seemingly uncaring. It takes a lot of time to become familiar with your true self again after addiction- don't be too hard on yourself, you have already achieved a massive success many people can only dream of by becoming and staying sober, despite all the stress and challenges. Opiate addiction, for me, was akin to a layer of armour that protected me from hurt - removing it was a prolonged and difficult process, the things I've tried to hide underneath weren't pretty - but are they ever? Ask yourself whether you have truly dealt with whatever reasons lead you down the path to becoming an addict - opiates so often being used to numb the pain by people who were made to feel like their suffering is an inconvenience to others. That doesn't just go away. Learning how to be truly present and truly yourself is a lifelong journey and once you start conquering the most pressing challenges, you will find more courage to be authentic without feeling the need to apologise to anyone. I'm, well, still working on it. It gets better and it will for you too. ❤
Me too!!! I think that people may see me as “chill” because I have to disassociate in order to get through anything! Internally, I am on fire. It is very uncomfortable.
I'm aware that I overwhelm people so I way over-corrected and would never share anything or ask anyone for help ever. I hate feeling like a burden. Trying to find a balance but it's hard.
i'm sorry you're struggling and I hope it gets easier. I'm dealing with similar things. it's also difficult realizing the context is important. like sharing something that happened with a trusted friend vs oversharing with the lady in the mcdonalds drive thru lol
I am intense and I overwhelm people. I was the scapegoat and I also never felt seen, heard or validated. I had no mirroring. My dad was abusive, my mom was emotionally unavailable. I realize that I have this issue but I'm kinda stuck on how to stop. I feel like I'm such a disposable person deep down that it hurts my feelings to be seen this way. But, I understand why I'm hard to be around. Childhood trauma just really fuckin sucks. It's so pervasive and affects every aspect of our lives. It's exhausting.
You sound very self aware. More than most, I'm sure! Likely, it's not as bad as you think since we're usually extra hard on ourselves and you're working on it so it's going to improve! Progress not perfection!
Man, I come from a similar background and struggle with the same feelings. I was the scapegoat too, and It’s so hard overcoming that mentality! You’re not alone, and sending you love and prayers. We can do this!
Try going to a codependent support group. You don't have to talk just listen. Or find a Adult Children with Alcoholic parents (ACA), Even if your parents weren't Alcoholics it still might help you. Baby steps...one step at a time. I'm learning how to show up and learning I can take over a conversation, but I'm also learning how to stop doing that. Just a thought.
I didn't want to mirror my abusive parent's behavior or chaotic emotions. I stopped entirely, if I care about someone and trust their predictably I gently touch their face if they are upset to because sometimes not be equally upset by still caring can calm the other person down. I've had to use my limits.
I have two coworkers like this and it's overwhelming. I know I can do it too, but having other people do it to me has made me more self-aware. WOW, revelation - being the one who always raises their hand in class coming from a need for connection. Makes sense.
At least u intervine to try help people be well. Others do so to just find out about others,side with who is convinient to u & or rumor about it to others... Not that u should not lower the amount of times u get in, specially if it is not needed or it would be harmful in some way,sometimes is right not to get in, as I said specially when is not needed(there is not much abused or the weaker abused still has a way to protect & fix it on their own).
That's me! And I have been told that. Sometimes I ask so many questions that people start getting freaked out. I am very intellectually curious and fascinated by people.
This is exactly why I need a therapist. But I need to find someone who is trauma informed, knows about Narcissistic abuse, bipolar mood disorder and PTSD. Not a small ask, I realize. But I refuse to be retraumatised by mental health practitioners.
You probably have already heard this but just in case you haven't, Pete Walker (Author or CPTSD: from Surviving to Thriving) recommends bibliotherapy if working with a therapist is too triggering or unsafe. And in my case it was indeed true-books did what therapy couldn't. I found the most helpful books to beef up my psychoeducation were: Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide (one of the most insightful, useful, and compassionate books I have encountered on understanding NPD, and BPD. That book in conjunction with writing by Pete Walker, Alice Miller, Janina Fisher, Gabor Mate, and Patrick's online content really launched me into a stratosphere beyond the fog. Also there was an academic peer reviewed article based on research into the intersection of BPD/giftedness/abuse/neglect that also gave me a framework to understand my lived experiences-it's called Giftedness and Psychological Abuse in Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd be curious to hear if any of these prove useful to you.
I reached out for help and my former psychiatrist put false memory in my medical notes, which changed my diagnosis from depression to personality disorder. It took over a year for them to acknowledge that the report said depression and didn't say personality disorder. I was traumatised then retraumatised, then had lies added to my medical record. I need a good therapist, but I don't have the money to go for private healthcare. I do wish that people who need it, could get a therapist who helps them.
It never ceases to amaze me when I watch Patrick’s videos because he is able to speak this language of childhood trauma in the most accurate and understanding way possible. When it comes from someone who has been there, has been able to heal, and is truly knowledgeable. Just wow. These insights are so validating and invaluable. This is his gift.
Wow. Thank you, Patrick. All of this really hit home - in my wounded state I did this with practically everyone in my life. I recognized myself in almost every example you discussed here. What I'm pleased about is my emotional response while watching this video. Instead of the overwhelming shame and self-loathing I would have felt two years ago, I smiled, recognizing that I've come a long way in growing beyond those things. At 67, I'm unfolding into my best life, and it feels good. Brightest blessings to everyone.
Your share was so enjoyable for me. I am 64 and have been doing this work awhile and I, too, could relate to every one of those examples. And also, yes, much less shame. More joy. It is worth the work, isn’t it?
That's wonderful! I'm still in the throes of a lot of shame and self loathing, but I was pleased to note that it is less than it was, and that I've improved in some of the arenas of overwhelmingness. Only trouble is that I'm second guessing _everything_ right now! (I sincerely hope it doesn't take me 30 years to make the progress you ladies have made though! 😅)
Yes, I used to be this way and I’m still recovering from it. The biggest scars are from having a mother who always (and I literally do mean ALWAYS) defaulted to helplessness when asked for any emotional support, especially conflict resolution. My father was the opposite but equally unhealthy and unhelpful. Screamed and criticized until he got the compliance he needed. I didn’t even know what it was like to be comforted until I left for college. Working with disability claimants was the only crash course in emotional regulation that finally worked for me. Taught me what therapy couldn’t: what I looked like to other people when stuck in survival mode. It also gave me the confidence I needed to fully understand and embrace myself as a kind, capable and mature adult person. Life is hard, and many people are ground down by it. But here I am, making a living and helping others. It will only get better from here.
I’ve been told I’m too negative they don’t want to be around me and yes I’m always looking for someone who can just be nice to me I prefer dogs over people I don’t know how or what to say to people any more
What bothers me the most about my self is my tendency to overshare with those I'm close to, especially about my feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative. I really annoy myself with it because I really want to be able to keep some form of privacy but I have a really hard time drawing the right boundaries. I'm ADHD and that might tie into it as well, I've always been very talkative. I do listen well too, but I just hate how much I talk. I really wish I could be a quieter, calmer person who thinks a lot before they speak 😭
The premise of this video is so unbelievable to me, because I could never in a million billion years imagine asking my coworkers for any kind of emotional support of any kind.
And I don’t think that’s a good idea, Fruity Pebble. Find your support elsewhere. People cannot be all things to us. Don’t regret over sharing with coworkers, so you don’t become the subject of office gossip and don’t allow over people too ever share with you so you’re not left in the position of rescuing others. Wishing you well. x
I want to be like you. I end up getting inappropriately close to people and end up leaning on them or letting them lean on me. At work it's backfired every time.
@@TopHatKitty oh that sucks. I see what you mean, but I’m not sure if you would actually want to be like me. 🙃 I have a deep seated fear of basically any kind of contact with anybody in any kind of situation. My go to move when I am around people is to sit still and not speak. 😆 It comes from a deep-seated terror of people treating me as horribly as my family did. When I was living in the Midwest, I could still get by using this technique because people there looooove talking, and all you have to do to make friends is just sit still and listen to them. I did get coworkers that told me stuff that was way too personal, and started to look to me to help them with their mental health, so that sucked. But I never for a second would think that anyone would be interested in hearing what my problems are. Now that I live in the Netherlands, people here are so cold and barely talk to people they don’t know, so I basically have no friends here at all. 😞
sometimes I overshare, after spilling the beans about myself, I wished I would’ve kept my mouth shut.. sometimes its best to just shut the front door..
Patrick’s channel is so needed!!! For the first 50 years of my life my “personality” was literally a pandora’s box of trauma responses. To those still in the struggle towards freedom, I want to tell you there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. At 53 I am in my fourth year of experiencing myself as a free soul, vibrating at my highest frequency, and preparing to share my story to help others as Patrick is. ❤ The number one thing you must do is love yourself, each and every cell, the way a mother loves her children. And do not ever give up. ❤
@@thepeculiarmaple I am preparing to write some helpful articles on my blog and am looking for specific questions folks have about current struggles living in presence in this modern age. Please share your questions and struggles with me, either here or through personal message or email. 😘🥰💗
Yea, i asked too many questions apparently, when my abuser was lying and gaslighting and i knew he was. So...im glad he got overwhelmed 😂 cause i was beyond frustrated.
Same. I was going into maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it, always the self reflecting and adjusting, so I needed to know what I needed to adjust and why, so tons of questions. So much gaslighting.
I *always* get suspicious when someone gets short with me about the questions I am asking, and/or answers in a passive aggressive or evasive way. I do ask more than the "usual" number of questions, I was taught that there is no such thing as a dumb question and that if I have it, chances are others in the room do, too. I was that person in college that asked at least three questions each class, just through my learning process and the material. I have learned a lot through the habit and it isn't going to stop. 🤷🏻♀️😊 I am genuinely a curious person, a lifelong learner, and believe every individual has a lesson or story that we can benefit by knowing. I would love it if someone asked me a ton of questions in a warm and kind way, and were actually interested in me!! 🥰 So when someone gets weird about it, it becomes so clear to me that they are being weird about something. The only time a ton of questions have come my way has been when someone was trying to guilt trip or gaslight me. 🙄😂
@@PaigeSquared wow. That middle part sounds exactly like me. But I didn't have the confidence that comes from being encouraged and supported in my curiosity and learning. So you're ability to discern when others are being weird and it's ON THEM is amazing and forgeign to me. Go you! I love this.
Communication energy for the win! 🎉😂 I’m watching this immediately after oversharing and monopolizing at a birthday party and I’m trying so hard not to just shake myself and scream, “Why are you like this?!”
Thank you for this. I sent a note of gratitude to the people who saw 'me' through this stage of healing. The sad thing is that this trauma reaction does drive people away when you need them the most. BUT!!! I resolve to be grateful (instead of shaming myself further) for the lesson, those that stuck with me, and to have compassion for myself. Thank you for the work you do to promote understanding. ❤🙏
Im so burnt out of being so damn overwhelming I have locked myself in the apartment at the moment because i cant stop overwhelming and oversharing its destroying my friendships. This video is more informative then 8 months of therapy lol
I’m AuDHD. I overwork everyone all the time all at once. I even overwhelm myself. It’s why I stay away from people. I’m so tired of hearing how annoying I am.
Audhd here too, I get you bro, I get you so much. I just want you to know there are people out there that will not perceive you as "too much". That can handle the "too much" and put their "too much" into the equasion so you both become one huge bomb of "too much" that may blind others but makes the two weirdos finally understood and at peace. I had this kind of relationship. And I know I can find another one. And I know you can too. It IS so HARD though to find one. But it is possible. Don't give up 🙏 Love ya ❤
Yeah sometimes I don’t know if I’m avoiding people or they are avoiding me. Or if I’m just self absorbed and fail to realize everyone is like that with everyone. I truly don’t know 🤷♂️
@@theAsperist omg thank you. Yes I’ve also had a relationship like that. My bestest friend ever but she passed away. I’m getting out there more and more and hoping to find someone like her again! Best of luck to you!!!
This girl told me to calm down and I wasn't even saying anything. I feel like I'm just very intense and people can feel it, even when I try not to be. I need friends who understand.
You are the only licensed professional, Patrick who understands that it is okay to cut parents out of your life. And it scares me. There are various messages in social media and so on that claim this, just because I didn't forgive my parents and cut them off I will get cancer or some other scary disease because that somehow means that I keep this anger in my body and if I get sick this is a manifestation of that. It is a very rotten victim blaming I've noticed..
They say that as if the anger and other emotions can’t be a valid response! Trauma can unfortunately lead to autoimmune disorders, but it’s not because you tried to take action to protect yourself against abuse.
I had this very experience just 2 days ago. I noticed there is this deeply rooted hurt and my inner child desperately wants to be loved and accepted. Although I meditate and try to heal a lot, these moments really scare me if I ever will be able to come out of it and actually have healthy relationships.
Healthy is a pattern of behavior, and abuse is either an extremely destructive act or a pattern of small behavior that wear at the relationship. A one off event or problem on either scale doesn't change the fundamental status of the relationship. I asked for help rearranging the kitchen a couple months ago, and wound up shaking like a leaf over bad memories, not caused by the current situation because a plate fell on the floor. The incident meant my partner had to solve problems for me that weren't caused by him. One of two major panic attacks in 8 years is not doesn't ruin a strong relationship.
I feel that same way. I feel totally broken inside. Desperate for love that I never got and don't see it coming. My family is vile. All narcissists and abusers and I'm just lost about finding true love or whatever
@@mohammadalieyad4910 I live with the most calm, consistent person I have ever met. Every day is almost exactly the same routine and expectations. It gives me space to be a little silly, chaotic, and even emotional because it always comes back to stable. I also know if I want crazy fun instead to call my best friend for the random car ride to the beach.
I know Patrick cautioned that awareness is not healing, but it's incredible how much his videos have helped in the two months I've been watching. There's a long journey ahead, but I'm so grateful for him doing this.
This is SUCH a thing. Usually after social interactions I feel either I’ve overwhelmed people, or, like I couldn’t connect. Like I blurt out random things without much reciprocation, or I try to connect with what seems “serious” in the situation. I see people connecting and laughing and making eye contact but I have no idea what they are saying or how they do that. 😣
But, what worth is their "easy chatter"? You know? I mean trauma and negativity isn't fun, but if they yack about football or kardasians or some other crap reality show, what worth is that? How are *they* more emotionally intelligent?
You are so gentle! The way you asked me to put my shame aside was so helpful. I have been “too much” for most of my life and it hurts like hell to see that I am overwhelming someone. Thank you for giving practical advice for dealing with this.
Thank you for this very informative video. I started journaling two years ago and myself awareness is off the charts. I identified with every category. I recently let go of a lot of friends that were just there to vent and we had nothing in common when we took away the mutual complaining. My biggest fear is I’m destroying my healthy relationships so my solution is to not talk. Thank you for making me realize something that I was thinking all along. If I isolate, there’s no practice and I’ll just repeat the process. So from the outside, I haven’t seen him in six months and he hasn’t changed. This is a lot to process.
Omg I just did this a few days ago to an old friend with whom I was trying to reach out & reconnect with but I did okay at first but then way over shared & emotionally dumped so much on them, not mean to. It happened so quickly & I can’t unsend that really long, too-much email. Haven’t heard back yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if I completely overwhelmed them Whoa I needed this, thank you Patrick. Your channel has been so helpful to me thru my journey ❤
Nailed it. Gonna have to rewatch the "final thoughts" part-started getting defensive and zoned out, seriously. Honestly, start to finish is like watching an autobiography I just discovered.
My partner has Cptsd and adhd, he does alot of this and it was okay in the beginning but after 7 years I’ve gotten very overwhelmed by our conversations to the point of shutting down or dissociating at times when we talk. I’d love to see a video on how to handle it from the other side. My 25 yr old son has BPD and it’s even worse in that respect and my mom has Alzheimer’s so I feel like I’m surrounded by people that can’t communicate effectively so my anxiety is through the roof most of the time. Ruminating on how to help and be the best person for all of them .
Dementia, BPD, ADD/CPTSD. Couldn't you fit someome with autism in there, just to spice things up? Your life must be so boring. Lol jk At least you aren't alone. Hey maybe taking some scheduled mandatory alone time just for YOU is something that would be helpful. Also, there are support groups online for caregivers of mental health disorders. You're a real trooper for what you do. It shows a lot of character that you didn't run for the hills. I'm sure you are loved and appreciated. Maybe you can come up with a code word for when your experiencing overwhelm so you don't have to be blunt about it but can express when you need that to be understood. Lots of people say they are out of spoons. Maybe you could have a sit down and come up with a plan for burnout/overwhelm, so you don't lose your marbles while trying to help them collect theirs. There are a lot of great guides on dementia care. A couple of things I have learned is don't test their memory and join their reality. Whatever they are experiencing doesn't need to be corrected. Just make it clear you are with them and that you understand what is going on (even if AND ESPECIALLY when you have no clue). You are mote lucid than they are but sometimes they realize deep down something isn't right and it is expressed all sorts of ways. Just be agreeable and helpful and understanding about whatever they think is going on. Gently guide don't demand anything from them. Offer single options of alternative activities at a time. Don't give a list of choices. Ask, "How does ... sound?" One idea at a time. Music is stored in a seperate part of the brain than other memories and isn't destroyed by dementia. If you know the music they grew up with or loved the most in their life then make sure you play it and ask them to sing along. Surprisingly dementia patients can often still remember words to songs they love. Either way it will soothe them with something familiar instead of the confusing fog of not knowing what is going on right now. I've taken care of dementia patients for a lot of years. My grandmother had it too. It is hard on everyone. You are not alone. Seek support from as many sources as you can find and expand your own support system. Some therapy from a professional might be in order as well. It sounds like your plate is very full and you wear ALL the hats. My best wishes to you.
What if you try to dare to be the real you with each of your family members , just do not forget to put your needs first. I am sure they'll still love you. This advice came from my personal experience. Too bad I cannot turn the clock back.❤
Sorry I so am so late in this response. Thank you all so much for your caring replies. Luckily I only live with one of them so I do get alone time but just the worrying can take over my brain at times. Ugh 😩
Patrick, I think you did a really great job on this video. The role-playing was almost "too well" done, it was so real. I'd already realized that I've been like this for a long time, but seeing you playing "me," sent cringes all through me. I appreciate the mirror and your willingness to put yourself on the line! Thank you so much, and I am working on the modifications--that combined with as much alone time, including as little time on the telephone as possible, and journaling, first thing everyday, pages and pages, and more later as needed--a good way too, to track the shifts..... and maybe someday, I won't feel so desperate anymore.
I am a pretty intense person. I avoid letting anyone get close to me because I overwhelm them with my seriousness and the topics I want to talk about. I’m afraid that if they get to know me, they would burn out pretty quick. I have gotten many animals to reinforce my isolation because I am so sick of people’s judgment. My last male therapist was unprofessional and treated me like I was full of sh*t. He treated me like I was telling stories. It’s as if he thought that if I was so stupid to be victimized by men so many times that I deserved it and he was going to treat me that way, too. It traumatized me. I don’t want to talk to a therapist anymore because I overwhelm them. I don’t know if a therapist is judging the h*ll out of me while I’m talking to one, anymore. I do all of my socializing on Facebook because others can tune me out easily I and not be aware of it. It’s a useful barrier that keeps me safe - even with the mud slinging. Even so, I have changed my Facebook account a number of times to unload friendly acquaintances because I did not want to overwhelm them with my very serious subject matter, ESPECIALLY when I entered political conversations. I was raging on Facebook over politics. I did not want to expose people to that. I put up a notice to warn everyone what I’m going to do so I didn’t hurt them. I am ‘protecting them’ from me. I have two Facebook friends, now, They have both been around the block a few times and I know they can handle me. I don’t know how to lighten up unless I get stoned. Jeeez, that was a mouthful. This is what I do that drives people crazy. I write long-*ss comments. I am a compulsive editor, too. It drives me nuts.
Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. It's by sharing our Experience, Strenght & Hope, that we really help each other. We grow/heal together. We are all on the same boat. ❤
Hey, you are not alone in this. I totally understand. What puzzles me, is that I have friends that like that version of me, and others that are out off.
I have had to kinda just accept looking into the void a bit on politics. It’s mainly a sort of bio/psycho/social game that gets played intergenerational. Like most of the differences in people are based on brain structure nervous system personality differences. Then you got some socialization and life status tyoe things that affect it. The crazy thing for me is following Solomon from the terror lab who talks a bunch of about terror managment theory. It’s dives deep into death anxiety and its role in self esteem and cultural world views being used as a sort of buffer against that anxiety. Then from their people break apart depending on what sort of bio/psycho/social recipie for life they experience. There are other things too in like the US, geography and how spread out we are has a significant structural affect on things. It kinda prevents mixing of people and talking with ones neighbor. If that makes sense. As if you don’t realize you and your neighbor share the same problems you can’t work together on those problems.
I’m struggling to keep from responding on all the comments on here because I can’t relate so much! Everything you shared is also what I’ve experienced 💯 I shut down all my social media accounts and have only burner ones so I can still follow accounts I’m interested in but I no longer post anything because I overshare 🤦 I’ve given up on therapists because they’re never trained enough for my level of trauma and I’d only end up more traumatized. I get you! You’re not alone 😊
I overwhelm myself, so quite sure I overwhelm others! I’m always questioning what I said in conversations, was it too much, not enough, stupid, offensive, etc. Yes, definitely shame from childhood trauma, but so hard to control in the moment. Your videos are so helpful, but at age 78 I’m wondering if I’ll ever totally get it under control.
Yes. Yes I do. And once I found out what I was doing and what it was called, I hold back . But sometimes it's so hard and I have to literally clench my lips😅
By the way, I LOVE your conversation roleplays. Hearing you play a healthy mother (in some older videos) basically changed my life. I had never heard anyone talk that way before
Those first few minutes! Oh my heavens, you know me so well! The grief I feel now when I reflect and acutely see how I unknowingly behaved is heartfelt and palpable. Although I wasn't aware, I do take full responsibility. I feel such sadness for how my mood affected - and afflicted!! - others. The parentifying!! Oh dear, oh dear... Watching to see how this video develops... 🙏
Video requests for you Patrick: 1) taking things too literally. I’m not sure whether it is just ADHD and neurodivergent issue or if it could be caused by childhood trauma as well. It’s a blind spot for me and I take people word for word, especially when they are raging at me. 2) self compassion and accepting while healing. How to not be too hard on oneself 3) deep dive on black and white thinking and why it worked as a child but does not work for adults. How it leads to anxiety and depression. And strategies out of the cycle.
In his book Scattered Minds Gabor Mate states that ADHD has a lot to do with trauma. So maybe trauma causes ADHD and Neurodivergence, or at least in some cases or to some degree? I would like to know more about possible connections… like you. At least I got better with self acceptance - really is the little sister of self love.
Thank you Patrick, I think the only scenario I was waiting for is the co-worker that gives and but doesn’t receive. You think you’re in a safe space with someone because they have spilled their feelings with you, but then when you go to share it’s too much.
Yep. These are people who have a hard time handling their own feelings so they definitely can’t handle yours. I have a friend like this & I’ve learned that I just don’t go to her with anything big. You’ll just end up feeling invalidated if you do.
The hardest thing I find is standing up for myself for fear of conflict because I had a violent father and submissive Mother ..so felt I had to defuse the situation by going against my own nature to appease my father and feel sorry for my Mother and realise now I was angry at her for 1 not standing up for herself and 2 putting him first before her children ..leaving us to work it out ..which was too much for a young child so we take on these role's ...thanks for your video .
I have some friends that like me the way I am and insist that I'm not overwhelming, and I have other friends that insist that I overwhelm them. It's very confusing. Great video, Patrick...thank you.
I'm so thankful I found your UA-cam channel! I felt so alone and ashamed when I finally decided to address my childhood CPTSD in 2020. Your channel gave me the courage to find a trauma therapist and read John Bradshaw books to help me understand my inner child! Fast forward... it's 2024 and I have begun to thrive internally! Instead of harming myself, I have a new purpose to reparent! 🙏Namaste!
I wish I could change. I'm a bit much. STILL. Every new situation i try to keep my mouth shut and say less rather than more. Never really manage it. Although I'm better than I was 30 years ago, so, must be making progress.
i'm deeply ashamed after i overshared and essentially "trauma dump" to some friends without their consent, i realized its from this deep need i have for people to understand me, deep down i even think that i wish that they pity me so they don't abandon me, but all this effort gets me the opposite affect... its been hard to keep all my stories and feelings to myself, but i've been getting better at it, too bad it's by isolating from everyone, but at least i'm not making a fool of myself anymore. its good to take this time to heal.
This section of a book explains this well: "We have different uses and meanings of words, some of which obscure certain truths from us. One word that is interesting in this way is the word "act" or "acting." At one level of interpretation of the word "act," all people do is called an "act" and all people are involved in "acting" or "action" when they inter-act with the world around them. The closest word also to how healthy and optimal people interact with the world verses how less healthy people interact, can also be seen as use of the word "acting." Since it is always better to create more descript terms or phrases that further clarify what we mean, in this case, we can use the phrase "responsibility acting." This "responsibility acting" by psychologically optimal people is a useful idea in mental health and self-development. It has implications in the study of virtue. It is what makes people functional in society. As a type of responsibility, a psychologically healthy person and even perhaps a virtuous one knows to not let his whole inner psychology become exposed to the world. Some people, especially the schizophrenic or persons with other types of mental illness, have no such "ego walls," no such separation from all the different thoughts and feeling they may have about someone. They can not "fake it" for sake of social grace or taking a part in life. It is proverbial wisdom sometimes in life we have to "fake it till we make it." It makes the world a kinder and warmer place when people do some "responsibility acting" when they feel otherwise. " "The mentally ill often have no ability to do this at all, and this is one thing that distinguishes them from normal people. This doesn't just refer to people with severe mental illness but many people who are disempowered. They often have no ability to put a good social self forward because of the sake of being seen as disingenuous. There seems to be an emotional wound that comes from having had to expose all one's self to others. The more functional, but still not fully empowered person, will not do responsibility-acting for perhaps a similar reason. They can not act assertively on an outward level or contain inner aggressive wishes. These people are like rocket ships that refuse to ignite and combust their fuel." "Society is a functional trust that one's responsibility-acting will be accepted. The wounds from abusive events towards a person conditions them to stop this acting. Their life becomes like a limb that no longer has the same range of motion. Being a player in the game of life is to be a part of the great drama, to accept that the rules of the game do not harm anyone intrinsically. A person who has been abused only remembers that people who play the game can be abusive, and they stop playing the game. The wounds one receives are merely like points scored against one in any kind of sport. One has to stay in the game for one's own interests and even keep "acting" -- it is to take on one's responsibility in life. Hence, "responsibility acting" is a good expression for this aspect of life. " From Virtuism: Philosophy and the Aesthetics of Virtue
I subscribed to your channel last year and haven't seen any of your videos until today. And when I clicked on this to make sure I was subscribed, I wasn't!! So, I had to subscribe again. I've noticed UA-cam has done this to me at least 5 other times before!! And thank you so much for this video! I've always known I was intense and overwhelming but I didn't know in what ways so this video is very helpful!! Parental neglect is no joke. It's like I have to learn how to be a human being at age 49. Lord help me.
Wow. That was tough to see. I felt embarrassed seeing it but I am grateful too because one time a coworker called me out saying all I do is complain and now I see I was looking for validation. I am not where I used to be but I am still not where I want to be. Thank you so much for your video and journal prompts. I am getting back to “work”
Thanks so much for this… I trauma dump too often sometimes. I really try to save that for me and my husband since he’s the only one who understands me. But at times I feel like I really do bring an overwhelming energy unintentionally.
This is the 1st person who hit the nail on the head about my unique communication styles that overwhelm people. Thank you helping me realize that my home was weirder than I understood.
Oh yes! Been there but I could not understand why this was overwhelming to others. All trauma reactions, the need to fix and mend especially. In the end exhaustion revealed the truth to me, taught me how to pull back and that there was an alternative way of being.
I have overshared my whole life and I have finally realized after 44 years that people can take me as I am or think i am overwhelming. I don't care anymore. I used to mind what other people thought of me and my "T.M.I." moments and was ashamed because I couldn't control myself. I realized after losing every single one of my immediate family members that life is too short to give a shit what other people think of me. Take me and my over sharing ass and love me as I am or don't bother with me.
This is kinda where I'm at too, now that 50 is looming. I'm going to try and continue to do my inner work but care less about my impact on others, because at this age, I just can't anymore. Take me as I am.
It's weird. I remember being very... Silent about everything until I was about 16 when I got to see a psychologist for the first time. It's like a went from zero to 100 and I'm stuck at a very high number on that scale still
Thanks for your analysis Patrick. I am in a homelessness situation where all my survival strategies have been activated and when I listen to your video I do initially feel a lot of shame for the intensity of what I am feeling. However something else arises from beneath that about the unhealthiness of our society, of our workplaces, of the way we conduct relationships. In response to what you said about the adult function is to be independently self managing ( or something similar), I would like to say none of us were designed to be hermits, we are naturally designed to be interrelational, to co regulate and we can easily feel that we are wrong for having emotional reactions. We easily blame ourselves for the toxicity of the culture. Emotional reactions tell us something is wrong, intensity tells us something is very wrong. In your role play, there is something very wrong in a workplace that ignores an agreement made with an employee. We can easily self gaslight ourselves about our responses to that and focus on "fixing ourselves" . Similarly in our cultural norms about the socialisation of men and women that plays out in intimate relationships and family dynamics where one person always is above another and their version of how life should be lived is more highly valued gives rise to disrespect, exclusion and abuse. We are also so socialised to avoid conflict and seek advice from others. No wonder most people lack any intensity and feel threatened when they feel it in others. As a result most people do not complain about wrongs and those that do are labelled crazy, aggressive or ignored. It has created a dominant discourse that we the "overwhelmers" or the "intense" are wrong and yet look at the state of the world. We have a global abuse of power and severe neglect of many peoples. We the intense super sensitive are right to be highly activated - our environments are under great threat. One of the biggest harms done by therapy has been unintentionally "fixing "people up to live in a f###ed up society. One of the best things we can do is to trust our bodies, trust what we feel as true and learn that some people are in denial because they are frightened about what is going on and their way of coping is to steer clear of you or to criticise you or exclude you.
Whoa! This is important stuff. If only we were all self-regulated and assertive. I'm certainly a work in progress! Parents aren't perfect and certainly didn't mean to create these effects, in most cases, but all this dysfunction! Why does our inner childhood trauma still mess with us? It is nice to be retired so I have time to work on myself.
Spot on about interacting with and learning from healthy people. This was my biggest ah-ha in life, to observe people with healthy coping and social skills. I watched how they interacted with others and the world around them. I took notes, so to speak, internalized those skills and habits until they became mine. In the process I observed conflicting dialogues in my head and began to realize those were my trauma issues rearing their heads- that’s when the work to figure out where they came from took a giant step forward.
I have been in exactly those situations on the listener side. I hated it, I felt like I can't remove myself from this because the person would be even more hurt, and have more on their plate. I remember thinking, "If it's so terrible to listen to this, how much of a mess must it be in their head, they need empathy." If I can add, there is a time and place for things. I like listening to others and offering perspective, but not when I try to start the same email for the 15th time and they screenshot me every other message they get, cause they perceive it as a personal attack. And they ignore my responses and go off on the next thing.
To all of you who overshare, I'd ask you to check out whether you have ADHD. I was only diagnosed a few years ago in my 60s with ADHD. We don't have the 'normal' filters to block or even to stop and think before yakking away. I may even have developed it in relation to how I was treated in childhood. I didn't have a voice, so maybe I've overcompensated for it by developing ADHD. This trait is called "blurting". It is possible to modify, but it's always going to be there. Also, being bored after spending a short while at a social gathering is very common if you're on the spectrum, with which I was also diagnosed. We don't do small talk and mundane social chitchat, and being sociable for more than an hour or two is seriously incapacitating. We need a lot of alone time, and it can take days to get back to 'normal' again after just meeting up with friends etc.
The chitchat is supposed to build a relationship with people slowly, but at a party I'm supposed to give the same energy to people I might never see again. Plus, I'm often bored or perplexed on why someone might touch briefly on an indepth conversation before moving on without being completely interested.
so grateful Patrick for you and your practice. this video really hit home as i am presently keenly aware of my ‘too muchness’. thank you for giving me other avenues - other than my shame - to help heal this part. again, so grateful for your you and your work.
Had my annual review last week and was told I'm often "on 10." Had been watching this channel here and there this year and immediately tied the feedback to my trauma. Spent the weekend journaling and I want to change. I want to forgive myself for being obnoxious (my words). This video is helping me forgive myself and I'm so grateful. It's actually a relief knowing I don't have to move through life like this and much I've been wearing ME out. Thank you, Patrick!
Speaking as someone who has shut down with overwhelming people in my life, it does work. They have learned how to behave differently with me if they truly desire my interaction or opinion. They are definitely not always interested in what I think but when they are they practice a more desired and respectful approach. Examples of this helps me to understand more as well as I'm far away from perfect. I appreciate the video and hit the like.
Wow, I do all of these. Sometimes I just don't say anything to anyone because I don't know how else to deal with it. Good role plays. That helped and it's good to know other people understand this and where it might be coming from.
Thank-you. Definitely a pattern happening in the conversational affect, and disordered, immature or unaware, in a conscious way of these odd speech glitches. Good info!
Chapters:
0:00 Intro & Story TIme
3:38 Examples of Overwhelming Others
6:55 Connect With Me
7:23 How Overwhelming Others Impacts Our Relationships
10:08 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm
10:18 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm (The Vacuum)
11:29 Two Major Reasons We Overwhelm (Seeking a Parent in Others)
12:29 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy
13:34 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Communication)
13:50 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Rescue)
14:13 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Validation)
14:41 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Preoccupied)
15:05 The Four Types of Overwhelming Energy (Underlying Factors)
15:50 Role Plays and What to Do Instead
17:17 Communication: Intense/Overshare (Role Play)
18:40 Communication: Tangential (Role Play)
20:08 Examples (Communication)
21:01 Rescue: Overstepping (Role Play)
22:02 Rescue: Mindreading (Role Play)
22:54 Examples (Rescue)
23:55 Validation: Defensive (Role Play)
24:45 Examples (Validation)
25:49 Preoccupied: Shutting Down (Role Play)
27:05 Examples (Preoccupied)
28:27 Monthly Healing Community
28:42 Final Thoughts (What About the Other Person?)
30:23 Final Thoughts (Am I Too Much?)
31:29 Final Thoughts
31:50 Outro
Hi Patrick, Thank you so much for this content! It brings up a lot of Q's for me, so I hope you continue w/ some guidance on how to correct or modify our communication styles. The visual aids & role play examples are helpful!
I don't have CPTSD but do experience many ADHD (frontal lobe) symptoms due to a past TBI. I'm confident & extroverted in social situations but tend to talk too much around people who are quiet (or just good listeners, ha). I can be descriptive when recalling a memory or talking about my passion/interests, but am typically "ok" when others join the conversation. Used to think it's bc I'm artistic & have a vivid LT memory, but may also feel discomfort from awkward silence. Also tend to have difficulty organizing & expressing thoughts succinctly to a conclusion (esp when no feedback, verbal or nonverbal cues). Yes, I was interrupted often in my family (despite being very quiet in childhood) but didn't deal w/ these issues til recent yrs... Does living/working alone contribute to being extra talkative around people? I suspect ADHD meds have been a factor as well, though I was similar during a 1-2 yr break from them. My docs don't help except w/ Rx's. TY!
A.
Really solid acting, and so validating to see these alternative ways of being in the world due to early trauma. There are almost no representations in popular media to help us normalize our realities so we can heal more quickly, with less stigma. Thank you. 🙏
Complimenting your work to become such a great expert yourself now. Well done on the precision of role play's characterization and exact language. Your pace is perfect and insight-full for this "ready student" - I subscribed as you asked! Thank you.
Patrick! It is actually SO helpful to see these work-specific role plays and I would love to see more work related content in the future.
I bought a journal, and I do not speak on my emotional or intellectual life to anyone, it all goes in there, the people around me are puzzled by my silence, but once I've vented on paper I have no need to express myself to them, I am more at peace, more self reflective, and more mindful of how I show up.....Get a journal and make it your habit, and a form of self care.😊
I use one daily. It has really made me emotionally self-sufficient and not so needy.
Thank you for sharing. This is very helpful!
OH ! How wise! ... I Journal too... often, they are rather cryptic, maybe song lyrics, or a poem... even visual drawings ill do..
Because the ONLY thing I fear more than DEATH, is
Dying and leaving behind the stories if my life...
... so I am afraid of being expressive/vulnerable/being judged... idk!!! 😵💫☹️🥴🤔
I’m am doing that it’s pretty amazing I don’t feel like I have to get someone on my side. I’m on my side and I don’t need to justify myself.
@@ImaginarySusanyes totally understand this!!! Wow all of this resonates so much!
I even overwhelm myself! I’ m both tiring and tired of myself. 🙈😩
I can relate to that !
Same 😅
I feel this. Only they get to leave. 😕
Sometimes
Yes! I think this can be the basis of why people get really depressed, the pain of being the way you've always been just wears the self down.😢
I have been oversharing and I feel like I can't stop myself.
I totally get it.
It's literally the Biggest problem in my life. I don't know how not to. Haven't solved it even at 56. Now I just hide.
I can't stop talking, complaining, telling stories! Heeeeeelp!
I hear you. I have two speeds. I either won't say a word or you can't shut me up. 😊
Part of my processing is getting things out into a bigger picture, so I write about real stress. It’s sad because it does make me feel better afterwards.
I feel embarrassed after running my mouth so much. I know its too much but it's always after the fact I realize!
Me too
Me too!
The shame cycle is real! ❤
Same here. I want to take it all back, but I can't.
Same
“Feel like you shoot in the dark socially or didn’t get the handbook others got…” describes my existence until the last 5 or so years…
Same here
Same, I was recently diagnosed autistic
What happened 5 years ago that made things different?
@@rosewilliams6328I want to know too 😂 What happened in last 5 yrs?
He is 5 yrd old
I think it's from not being listened to in childhood when it really, REALLY mattered by the people who could've helped, thereby saving me from the deafening silence of abuse & emotional abandonment, if only they'd listen, if only I'd say it in a way to make them actually take me seriously 😔
I agree
I am sorry these people didn't come through for you. They failed to protect you. Sending love ❤
I agree 😢
This is it, this is exactly what and why…😢
There is no magic combination of words - no matter how eloquent or banal - that will make people understand you if they don't want to, unfortunately 😔
This comment is dedicated to the people who have all their lives heard people say “this conversation is too deep. Can we change to something lighter?” When it’s literally just a conversation that ISN’T gossip. Which the shallow aren’t used to. This comment is for people who talk too much or too little for others’ likings. My entire life I have had people criticize me for both being too talkative due to my high energy ADHD and other times for not talking enough when I am tired or not interested in a boring conversation. I go completely nonverbal when people are gossiping and trash talking others. I know there’s others out there like me. I’ve heard that I’m too optimistic for people’s liking. Know there’s more like you out there. “Saying the wrong thing” has been an immense insecurity my whole life for me due to constant criticism in my family and school. My therapist told me I need to trust that I have learned and evolved after years of therapy, and that it’s not a big deal to mess up in these ways. I hope this helps anyone who can relate ❤
yep I am tired of constantly monitoring my interactions and being overly mindful and focused on being appropriate when most of the people I deal with are rude, gossipy, shallow and completely self absorbed. People don’t want to go deep.
I’m totally the same. Luckily I work in education and there are other deep thinkers where I work. I have people who can have deep conversations for an hour or two and we take turns with our topics, analyze the crap out of it, laugh and know we are not aliens on this planet because we have each other for validation
I feel that!
ColdBrew, thank you for sharing your experiences.
That's a lot of words! (We are similar ❤)
Overwhelmed People overwhelm others. That’s me. How can I be with people whom overwhelm me, causing me to trigger others? And it seems that EVERYONE overwhelms me these days. I am becoming a hermit. I fantasize about social activities, but can’t wait to leave them after 20 min.
Does anyone else feel this way?
I’m only 19 and I completely understand that. I want to go out and enjoy the town and make new friends, but I don’t have the energy to do so. If I go out, I turn into the quiet observer, and want to leave. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I overwhelm people and people overwhelm me.
That means I have to get over my own feelings but at the same time consider everybody else's feeling. So, yeah doing things on my own has been great.
I definitely relate. I am lucky to have a lot of friends and good people in my life. Still, I have experience with family and bosses who are/were indirect in their communication. I sometimes get the vague but shamey feeling that I talk too much and outstay my welcome. Then I just retreat to my little nest (apartment) and enjoy my own company for a while.
I admire you a lot for going to social events. I don’t go to anything any more. I know it’s not a good thing to choose to isolate but I just can’t handle the drain of socializing.
@@ebd123it’s so interesting that you mentioned people being “vague”. I don’t normally pry into anyone’s business but often times people will call me because they’re upset about something that has happened and they end up giving an extremely condensed version of what happened. In turn, I feel genuinely empathetic and concerned so I inquire to learn more details and then they get put off by it. My interest and intense nature seem to overwhelm people so I tend to just keep to myself. I truly understand what you mean.
i almost always feel bad after I talk to someone. either I said too much, too little, or the wrong thing. I'm so sick of being a weirdo. I think the neediness and dysfunction come through to people even when you try to mask it.
Maybe this is why I don't have any friends. This video is overwhelming about me being overwhelming. I feel like crawling into a deep hole and giving up. I don't know how to "be" with other people. I don't know how to balance my energy and how to be authentic without being intense or running the energies that you spoke of. It is all just exhausting. I isolate and stay in my house for fear of being too much or a burden to others. I feel deeply lonely.
It is alot to take in at first but what I see with you, is you do have a good amount of insight which means you understand what is going on so your path to relearning communication is next steps. Admitting you are working on yourself as an aspect of your affect and allowing yourself practice to learn what works, while still being present. Don’t give up you are leaps ahead with your great insight!
Notice how people who fit well in supporting the very system that cultivates the abuse of others are rarely taught to work on themselves or acknowledge the ways they overwhelm or trigger us? It's a gross double standard. It's important to understand why things are happening and why we are being seen a certain way, but that doesn't mean we are wrong for it or that we deserve further invalidation, especially coming from our own selves (the last and only person we truly CAN depend on, and many of us abandon even them).
Knowing this should be about protecting ourselves, not crippling and rejecting our souls further to appease the deatheaters in our lives.
@@therevoltingpleb Thank you, Appreciate what you said a lot.
You’re not alone….❤️🩹🙏🏻❤️🩹
Me too
This is good info. But it makes me want to isolate even more. I’m so tired of trying to figure myself out.
Me too x
I feel you.
Just find a good therapist,you wont figure yourself out.
@@scarred10they just listen and take your money
it will be ok. you can only be one person and bring yourself back to the moment, that’s all you can control
I overwhelm neuro typicals. Yep.. but with other NDs, it’s easy and we can say to each other, “whoa! Slow down speed racer!”
I used to overshare a lot and then I realized I just needed a therapist and/or someone that I could confide in. 😅
I have bounced between being very secretive to over-sharing. Sometimes my over-sharing has felt like a runaway train (about to wreck) or an over-excited dog that cant calm down. That being said, I've listened to my portion of over-sharing strangers or acquaintances without feeling like I need to get away from them fast. I put this down to wanting to be compassionate because somewhere in their past I imagine they weren't listened to enough.
Bless you
good of you to be a listener. I wish more people had your compassion. the world would be a better place
I’ve been trying so hard to retrain myself to not overshare. I’ve gotten so good at masking that I recently had an acquaintance at my volunteer job describe me with words like “nice”, “cool”, “chill”. Meanwhile I’m three years out of a decade-long heroin addiction, I’m having tons of health problems, I’m back living with my abusive parents, and I’m panicking about finding a job so I can get the f- out as soon as possible. I’m super anxious, unsure of myself, and intensely fearful of connection. I constantly feel like I’m about to spontaneously combust. But somehow I manage to appear “chill”. This shocked me.
Congratulations on three years sober. Us former addicts have a lot of experience pretending - pretending we are fine, okay, just tired, no big deal ... No wonder you find yourself subconsciously doing it so masterfully. I, too, have found myself overcorrecting from the time of active addiction - from being overly weary, distraught, walking on eggshells to overly "chill", withdrawn, seemingly uncaring. It takes a lot of time to become familiar with your true self again after addiction- don't be too hard on yourself, you have already achieved a massive success many people can only dream of by becoming and staying sober, despite all the stress and challenges. Opiate addiction, for me, was akin to a layer of armour that protected me from hurt - removing it was a prolonged and difficult process, the things I've tried to hide underneath weren't pretty - but are they ever? Ask yourself whether you have truly dealt with whatever reasons lead you down the path to becoming an addict - opiates so often being used to numb the pain by people who were made to feel like their suffering is an inconvenience to others. That doesn't just go away.
Learning how to be truly present and truly yourself is a lifelong journey and once you start conquering the most pressing challenges, you will find more courage to be authentic without feeling the need to apologise to anyone.
I'm, well, still working on it. It gets better and it will for you too.
❤
Congratulations, on your success.. I hope you reach your goals! Be kind to yourself and stay Strong. 🎉
It’s amazing how good we become at acting
Me too!!! I think that people may see me as “chill” because I have to disassociate in order to get through anything! Internally, I am on fire. It is very uncomfortable.
I wonder if people would be more accepting of everyone if they knew how hard we work to be normal?!
I'm aware that I overwhelm people so I way over-corrected and would never share anything or ask anyone for help ever. I hate feeling like a burden. Trying to find a balance but it's hard.
i'm sorry you're struggling and I hope it gets easier. I'm dealing with similar things. it's also difficult realizing the context is important. like sharing something that happened with a trusted friend vs oversharing with the lady in the mcdonalds drive thru lol
I’m currently in a shame spiral overthinking that I am “a bit much” - noticing that I’m constantly seeking approval and validation.
I am intense and I overwhelm people. I was the scapegoat and I also never felt seen, heard or validated. I had no mirroring. My dad was abusive, my mom was emotionally unavailable. I realize that I have this issue but I'm kinda stuck on how to stop. I feel like I'm such a disposable person deep down that it hurts my feelings to be seen this way. But, I understand why I'm hard to be around. Childhood trauma just really fuckin sucks. It's so pervasive and affects every aspect of our lives. It's exhausting.
You sound very self aware. More than most, I'm sure! Likely, it's not as bad as you think since we're usually extra hard on ourselves and you're working on it so it's going to improve! Progress not perfection!
Man, I come from a similar background and struggle with the same feelings. I was the scapegoat too, and It’s so hard overcoming that mentality! You’re not alone, and sending you love and prayers. We can do this!
Try going to a codependent support group. You don't have to talk just listen. Or find a Adult Children with Alcoholic parents (ACA), Even if your parents weren't Alcoholics it still might help you. Baby steps...one step at a time. I'm learning how to show up and learning I can take over a conversation, but I'm also learning how to stop doing that. Just a thought.
Same exact situation for me. ❤
I didn't want to mirror my abusive parent's behavior or chaotic emotions. I stopped entirely, if I care about someone and trust their predictably I gently touch their face if they are upset to because sometimes not be equally upset by still caring can calm the other person down. I've had to use my limits.
I have two coworkers like this and it's overwhelming. I know I can do it too, but having other people do it to me has made me more self-aware. WOW, revelation - being the one who always raises their hand in class coming from a need for connection. Makes sense.
Yep. I'm a people pleaser. So I tend to butt in a lot. Even the tiniest bit of conflict sends me into terror mode.
Mom used to call me a Budinski . We're Polish.
At least u intervine to try help people be well. Others do so to just find out about others,side with who is convinient to u & or rumor about it to others... Not that u should not lower the amount of times u get in, specially if it is not needed or it would be harmful in some way,sometimes is right not to get in, as I said specially when is not needed(there is not much abused or the weaker abused still has a way to protect & fix it on their own).
Same here. And my "helping" usually isn't needed or wanted, so I end up displeasing people.
That's me! And I have been told that. Sometimes I ask so many questions that people start getting freaked out. I am very intellectually curious and fascinated by people.
Same same.. My degree was journalism too lol
me too dude...i love that part of me.
This is exactly why I need a therapist. But I need to find someone who is trauma informed, knows about Narcissistic abuse, bipolar mood disorder and PTSD. Not a small ask, I realize. But I refuse to be retraumatised by mental health practitioners.
You probably have already heard this but just in case you haven't, Pete Walker (Author or CPTSD: from Surviving to Thriving) recommends bibliotherapy if working with a therapist is too triggering or unsafe. And in my case it was indeed true-books did what therapy couldn't. I found the most helpful books to beef up my psychoeducation were: Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide (one of the most insightful, useful, and compassionate books I have encountered on understanding NPD, and BPD. That book in conjunction with writing by Pete Walker, Alice Miller, Janina Fisher, Gabor Mate, and Patrick's online content really launched me into a stratosphere beyond the fog. Also there was an academic peer reviewed article based on research into the intersection of BPD/giftedness/abuse/neglect that also gave me a framework to understand my lived experiences-it's called Giftedness and Psychological Abuse in Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd be curious to hear if any of these prove useful to you.
Ita difficult. I have not yet met one who gives me tools to fix problems.
I reached out for help and my former psychiatrist put false memory in my medical notes, which changed my diagnosis from depression to personality disorder.
It took over a year for them to acknowledge that the report said depression and didn't say personality disorder.
I was traumatised then retraumatised, then had lies added to my medical record.
I need a good therapist, but I don't have the money to go for private healthcare. I do wish that people who need it, could get a therapist who helps them.
Exactly. Add to that list non-religious.
It never ceases to amaze me when I watch Patrick’s videos because he is able to speak this language of childhood trauma in the most accurate and understanding way possible. When it comes from someone who has been there, has been able to heal, and is truly knowledgeable. Just wow. These insights are so validating and invaluable. This is his gift.
Wow. Thank you, Patrick. All of this really hit home - in my wounded state I did this with practically everyone in my life. I recognized myself in almost every example you discussed here. What I'm pleased about is my emotional response while watching this video. Instead of the overwhelming shame and self-loathing I would have felt two years ago, I smiled, recognizing that I've come a long way in growing beyond those things. At 67, I'm unfolding into my best life, and it feels good. Brightest blessings to everyone.
Your share was so enjoyable for me. I am 64 and have been doing this work awhile and I, too, could relate to every one of those examples. And also, yes, much less shame. More joy. It is worth the work, isn’t it?
@@lauragrolla5916 It sure is. Hugs!
That's wonderful! I'm still in the throes of a lot of shame and self loathing, but I was pleased to note that it is less than it was, and that I've improved in some of the arenas of overwhelmingness. Only trouble is that I'm second guessing _everything_ right now!
(I sincerely hope it doesn't take me 30 years to make the progress you ladies have made though! 😅)
Love your response ❤. Me too!
I'm 25 and I'm feeling that shame very deeply, I feel so burdensome
Yes, I used to be this way and I’m still recovering from it. The biggest scars are from having a mother who always (and I literally do mean ALWAYS) defaulted to helplessness when asked for any emotional support, especially conflict resolution.
My father was the opposite but equally unhealthy and unhelpful. Screamed and criticized until he got the compliance he needed.
I didn’t even know what it was like to be comforted until I left for college.
Working with disability claimants was the only crash course in emotional regulation that finally worked for me. Taught me what therapy couldn’t: what I looked like to other people when stuck in survival mode.
It also gave me the confidence I needed to fully understand and embrace myself as a kind, capable and mature adult person. Life is hard, and many people are ground down by it. But here I am, making a living and helping others. It will only get better from here.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Helpful to me.
I’ve been told I’m too negative they don’t want to be around me and yes I’m always looking for someone who can just be nice to me I prefer dogs over people I don’t know how or what to say to people any more
What bothers me the most about my self is my tendency to overshare with those I'm close to, especially about my feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative. I really annoy myself with it because I really want to be able to keep some form of privacy but I have a really hard time drawing the right boundaries. I'm ADHD and that might tie into it as well, I've always been very talkative. I do listen well too, but I just hate how much I talk. I really wish I could be a quieter, calmer person who thinks a lot before they speak 😭
Watching this makes me understand why my daughter never talks or shows any emotions. It’s just not safe.
Ouch, me too. 🙏🏻
You b words
@@spilledityou b word?
I didn't know that this behavior was caused by childhood trauma. Thanks
And I just dissociated through all of the examples.
The premise of this video is so unbelievable to me, because I could never in a million billion years imagine asking my coworkers for any kind of emotional support of any kind.
Or that the "healthy side" involved saying "I'm triggered" at all. This video is a revelation.
And I don’t think that’s a good idea, Fruity Pebble. Find your support elsewhere. People cannot be all things to us. Don’t regret over sharing with coworkers, so you don’t become the subject of office gossip and don’t allow over people too ever share with you so you’re not left in the position of rescuing others. Wishing you well. x
I want to be like you. I end up getting inappropriately close to people and end up leaning on them or letting them lean on me. At work it's backfired every time.
me either. when he was saying that stuff like "I'm triggered" I was like, I'd never say that to a co worker.
@@TopHatKitty oh that sucks. I see what you mean, but I’m not sure if you would actually want to be like me. 🙃
I have a deep seated fear of basically any kind of contact with anybody in any kind of situation. My go to move when I am around people is to sit still and not speak. 😆 It comes from a deep-seated terror of people treating me as horribly as my family did.
When I was living in the Midwest, I could still get by using this technique because people there looooove talking, and all you have to do to make friends is just sit still and listen to them.
I did get coworkers that told me stuff that was way too personal, and started to look to me to help them with their mental health, so that sucked. But I never for a second would think that anyone would be interested in hearing what my problems are.
Now that I live in the Netherlands, people here are so cold and barely talk to people they don’t know, so I basically have no friends here at all. 😞
sometimes I overshare, after spilling the beans about myself, I wished I would’ve kept my mouth shut.. sometimes its best to just shut the front door..
Patrick’s channel is so needed!!!
For the first 50 years of my life my “personality” was literally a pandora’s box of trauma responses.
To those still in the struggle towards freedom, I want to tell you there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. At 53 I am in my fourth year of experiencing myself as a free soul, vibrating at my highest frequency, and preparing to share my story to help others as Patrick is. ❤
The number one thing you must do is love yourself, each and every cell, the way a mother loves her children. And do not ever give up. ❤
I am crying while reading this, gosh. 😭❤️❤️
I am so young. I needed to see this. There is hope 😔
@@thepeculiarmaple I am preparing to write some helpful articles on my blog and am looking for specific questions folks have about current struggles living in presence in this modern age. Please share your questions and struggles with me, either here or through personal message or email. 😘🥰💗
Thank you!
Yeeeessss!!! ❤😂🎉
Yea, i asked too many questions apparently, when my abuser was lying and gaslighting and i knew he was. So...im glad he got overwhelmed 😂 cause i was beyond frustrated.
Same. I was going into maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it, always the self reflecting and adjusting, so I needed to know what I needed to adjust and why, so tons of questions. So much gaslighting.
I *always* get suspicious when someone gets short with me about the questions I am asking, and/or answers in a passive aggressive or evasive way. I do ask more than the "usual" number of questions, I was taught that there is no such thing as a dumb question and that if I have it, chances are others in the room do, too. I was that person in college that asked at least three questions each class, just through my learning process and the material. I have learned a lot through the habit and it isn't going to stop. 🤷🏻♀️😊
I am genuinely a curious person, a lifelong learner, and believe every individual has a lesson or story that we can benefit by knowing. I would love it if someone asked me a ton of questions in a warm and kind way, and were actually interested in me!! 🥰 So when someone gets weird about it, it becomes so clear to me that they are being weird about something.
The only time a ton of questions have come my way has been when someone was trying to guilt trip or gaslight me. 🙄😂
@@PaigeSquared wow. That middle part sounds exactly like me. But I didn't have the confidence that comes from being encouraged and supported in my curiosity and learning. So you're ability to discern when others are being weird and it's ON THEM is amazing and forgeign to me. Go you! I love this.
When you are getting feedback from an abuser, don't take their word for it.
@@susanmercurio1060 truth. But really hard to undo that life long programming. Still working on it.
I’m learning that it’s ok to push back on people. Being clear, straightforward and respectful. I had no idea how powerful that is for me and them.
Communication energy for the win! 🎉😂 I’m watching this immediately after oversharing and monopolizing at a birthday party and I’m trying so hard not to just shake myself and scream, “Why are you like this?!”
Wow you literally just explain how I got through my whole corporate career.
Yes, I need validation . I feel badly when I don’t get it and persist in trying to.
Thank you for this. I sent a note of gratitude to the people who saw 'me' through this stage of healing. The sad thing is that this trauma reaction does drive people away when you need them the most. BUT!!! I resolve to be grateful (instead of shaming myself further) for the lesson, those that stuck with me, and to have compassion for myself. Thank you for the work you do to promote understanding. ❤🙏
This is so beautifully put, thank you for sharing it. I'm in that messy middle stage now, and it's incredibly humbling.
That was my experience too. When I had the most need for support, that was when people pushed me away.
Just reading the headline I already knew I'm going to relate to this...
me too
It really is a lot for the "other person", especially if it's an acquaintance that you don't know well or a coworker.
Enjoying the light tree.
Im so burnt out of being so damn overwhelming I have locked myself in the apartment at the moment because i cant stop overwhelming and oversharing its destroying my friendships. This video is more informative then 8 months of therapy lol
I’m AuDHD. I overwork everyone all the time all at once. I even overwhelm myself. It’s why I stay away from people. I’m so tired of hearing how annoying I am.
Audhd here too, I get you bro, I get you so much. I just want you to know there are people out there that will not perceive you as "too much". That can handle the "too much" and put their "too much" into the equasion so you both become one huge bomb of "too much" that may blind others but makes the two weirdos finally understood and at peace. I had this kind of relationship. And I know I can find another one. And I know you can too. It IS so HARD though to find one. But it is possible. Don't give up 🙏 Love ya ❤
Yeah sometimes I don’t know if I’m avoiding people or they are avoiding me. Or if I’m just self absorbed and fail to realize everyone is like that with everyone.
I truly don’t know 🤷♂️
I am also “too annoying too talkative too honest” be you as long as you are doing your best
@@theAsperist omg thank you. Yes I’ve also had a relationship like that. My bestest friend ever but she passed away. I’m getting out there more and more and hoping to find someone like her again! Best of luck to you!!!
@@VentiColdbrew_ exactly!
This girl told me to calm down and I wasn't even saying anything. I feel like I'm just very intense and people can feel it, even when I try not to be. I need friends who understand.
People can be rude and you do not have to accept it
Same
You are the only licensed professional, Patrick who understands that it is okay to cut parents out of your life. And it scares me. There are various messages in social media and so on that claim this, just because I didn't forgive my parents and cut them off I will get cancer or some other scary disease because that somehow means that I keep this anger in my body and if I get sick this is a manifestation of that. It is a very rotten victim blaming I've noticed..
They say that as if the anger and other emotions can’t be a valid response! Trauma can unfortunately lead to autoimmune disorders, but it’s not because you tried to take action to protect yourself against abuse.
I had this very experience just 2 days ago. I noticed there is this deeply rooted hurt and my inner child desperately wants to be loved and accepted. Although I meditate and try to heal a lot, these moments really scare me if I ever will be able to come out of it and actually have healthy relationships.
Healthy is a pattern of behavior, and abuse is either an extremely destructive act or a pattern of small behavior that wear at the relationship. A one off event or problem on either scale doesn't change the fundamental status of the relationship. I asked for help rearranging the kitchen a couple months ago, and wound up shaking like a leaf over bad memories, not caused by the current situation because a plate fell on the floor. The incident meant my partner had to solve problems for me that weren't caused by him. One of two major panic attacks in 8 years is not doesn't ruin a strong relationship.
I feel that same way. I feel totally broken inside. Desperate for love that I never got and don't see it coming. My family is vile. All narcissists and abusers and I'm just lost about finding true love or whatever
@@RayF6126 how did you do it?
@@mohammadalieyad4910 I live with the most calm, consistent person I have ever met. Every day is almost exactly the same routine and expectations. It gives me space to be a little silly, chaotic, and even emotional because it always comes back to stable. I also know if I want crazy fun instead to call my best friend for the random car ride to the beach.
@@RayF6126 sounds amazing, i am glad you found your peace. so the key is a consistent routine. got it.
I know Patrick cautioned that awareness is not healing, but it's incredible how much his videos have helped in the two months I've been watching. There's a long journey ahead, but I'm so grateful for him doing this.
yeah, that's good. i can be aware but i don't usually change which is frustrating.
1:02 I don’t appreciate being called out like this, Patrick 😂
This is SUCH a thing. Usually after social interactions I feel either I’ve overwhelmed people, or, like I couldn’t connect. Like I blurt out random things without much reciprocation, or I try to connect with what seems “serious” in the situation. I see people connecting and laughing and making eye contact but I have no idea what they are saying or how they do that. 😣
This. This hits me hard. I've been wondering what's wrong my whole life.
Yes how do they do that?
But, what worth is their "easy chatter"? You know?
I mean trauma and negativity isn't fun, but if they yack about football or kardasians or some other crap reality show, what worth is that? How are *they* more emotionally intelligent?
@@paulas_lens I don’t know that their chatter is meaningless babble. Other people just seem to communicate with more ease than I feel I do.
You are so gentle! The way you asked me to put my shame aside was so helpful. I have been “too much” for most of my life and it hurts like hell to see that I am overwhelming someone. Thank you for giving practical advice for dealing with this.
I feel like I overwhelm most people.
Thank you for this very informative video. I started journaling two years ago and myself awareness is off the charts. I identified with every category. I recently let go of a lot of friends that were just there to vent and we had nothing in common when we took away the mutual complaining. My biggest fear is I’m destroying my healthy relationships so my solution is to not talk. Thank you for making me realize something that I was thinking all along. If I isolate, there’s no practice and I’ll just repeat the process. So from the outside, I haven’t seen him in six months and he hasn’t changed. This is a lot to process.
Omg I just did this a few days ago to an old friend with whom I was trying to reach out & reconnect with but I did okay at first but then way over shared & emotionally dumped so much on them, not mean to. It happened so quickly & I can’t unsend that really long, too-much email. Haven’t heard back yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if I completely overwhelmed them
Whoa I needed this, thank you Patrick. Your channel has been so helpful to me thru my journey ❤
Nailed it. Gonna have to rewatch the "final thoughts" part-started getting defensive and zoned out, seriously. Honestly, start to finish is like watching an autobiography I just discovered.
My partner has Cptsd and adhd, he does alot of this and it was okay in the beginning but after 7 years I’ve gotten very overwhelmed by our conversations to the point of shutting down or dissociating at times when we talk. I’d love to see a video on how to handle it from the other side. My 25 yr old son has BPD and it’s even worse in that respect and my mom has Alzheimer’s so I feel like I’m surrounded by people that can’t communicate effectively so my anxiety is through the roof most of the time. Ruminating on how to help and be the best person for all of them .
I hope you find some peace of mind soon.
Dementia, BPD, ADD/CPTSD. Couldn't you fit someome with autism in there, just to spice things up? Your life must be so boring. Lol jk
At least you aren't alone.
Hey maybe taking some scheduled mandatory alone time just for YOU is something that would be helpful. Also, there are support groups online for caregivers of mental health disorders. You're a real trooper for what you do. It shows a lot of character that you didn't run for the hills. I'm sure you are loved and appreciated. Maybe you can come up with a code word for when your experiencing overwhelm so you don't have to be blunt about it but can express when you need that to be understood. Lots of people say they are out of spoons. Maybe you could have a sit down and come up with a plan for burnout/overwhelm, so you don't lose your marbles while trying to help them collect theirs.
There are a lot of great guides on dementia care.
A couple of things I have learned is don't test their memory and join their reality. Whatever they are experiencing doesn't need to be corrected. Just make it clear you are with them and that you understand what is going on (even if AND ESPECIALLY when you have no clue). You are mote lucid than they are but sometimes they realize deep down something isn't right and it is expressed all sorts of ways. Just be agreeable and helpful and understanding about whatever they think is going on. Gently guide don't demand anything from them. Offer single options of alternative activities at a time. Don't give a list of choices. Ask, "How does ... sound?" One idea at a time. Music is stored in a seperate part of the brain than other memories and isn't destroyed by dementia. If you know the music they grew up with or loved the most in their life then make sure you play it and ask them to sing along. Surprisingly dementia patients can often still remember words to songs they love. Either way it will soothe them with something familiar instead of the confusing fog of not knowing what is going on right now. I've taken care of dementia patients for a lot of years. My grandmother had it too. It is hard on everyone. You are not alone. Seek support from as many sources as you can find and expand your own support system. Some therapy from a professional might be in order as well. It sounds like your plate is very full and you wear ALL the hats. My best wishes to you.
Make sure you have a good support system. You can’t be everything for everyone else. 🙏🏻
What if you try to dare to be the real you with each of your family members , just do not forget to put your needs first. I am sure they'll still love you. This advice came from my personal experience. Too bad I cannot turn the clock back.❤
Sorry I so am so late in this response. Thank you all so much for your caring replies. Luckily I only live with one of them so I do get alone time but just the worrying can take over my brain at times. Ugh 😩
Patrick, I think you did a really great job on this video. The role-playing was almost "too well" done, it was so real. I'd already realized that I've been like this for a long time, but seeing you playing "me," sent cringes all through me. I appreciate the mirror and your willingness to put yourself on the line! Thank you so much, and I am working on the modifications--that combined with as much alone time, including as little time on the telephone as possible, and journaling, first thing everyday, pages and pages, and more later as needed--a good way too, to track the shifts..... and maybe someday, I won't feel so desperate anymore.
I am a pretty intense person. I avoid letting anyone get close to me because I overwhelm them with my seriousness and the topics I want to talk about. I’m afraid that if they get to know me, they would burn out pretty quick. I have gotten many animals to reinforce my isolation because I am so sick of people’s judgment. My last male therapist was unprofessional and treated me like I was full of sh*t. He treated me like I was telling stories. It’s as if he thought that if I was so stupid to be victimized by men so many times that I deserved it and he was going to treat me that way, too. It traumatized me. I don’t want to talk to a therapist anymore because I overwhelm them. I don’t know if a therapist is judging the h*ll out of me while I’m talking to one, anymore. I do all of my socializing on Facebook because others can tune me out easily I and not be aware of it. It’s a useful barrier that keeps me safe - even with the mud slinging. Even so, I have changed my Facebook account a number of times to unload friendly acquaintances because I did not want to overwhelm them with my very serious subject matter, ESPECIALLY when I entered political conversations. I was raging on Facebook over politics. I did not want to expose people to that. I put up a notice to warn everyone what I’m going to do so I didn’t hurt them. I am ‘protecting them’ from me. I have two Facebook friends, now, They have both been around the block a few times and I know they can handle me. I don’t know how to lighten up unless I get stoned. Jeeez, that was a mouthful. This is what I do that drives people crazy. I write long-*ss comments. I am a compulsive editor, too. It drives me nuts.
Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. It's by sharing our Experience, Strenght & Hope, that we really help each other. We grow/heal together. We are all on the same boat. ❤
Hey, you are not alone in this. I totally understand. What puzzles me, is that I have friends that like that version of me, and others that are out off.
I have had to kinda just accept looking into the void a bit on politics. It’s mainly a sort of bio/psycho/social game that gets played intergenerational. Like most of the differences in people are based on brain structure nervous system personality differences. Then you got some socialization and life status tyoe things that affect it. The crazy thing for me is following Solomon from the terror lab who talks a bunch of about terror managment theory. It’s dives deep into death anxiety and its role in self esteem and cultural world views being used as a sort of buffer against that anxiety. Then from their people break apart depending on what sort of bio/psycho/social recipie for life they experience. There are other things too in like the US, geography and how spread out we are has a significant structural affect on things. It kinda prevents mixing of people and talking with ones neighbor. If that makes sense. As if you don’t realize you and your neighbor share the same problems you can’t work together on those problems.
Thanks for your comment, l can relate.
I’m struggling to keep from responding on all the comments on here because I can’t relate so much! Everything you shared is also what I’ve experienced 💯 I shut down all my social media accounts and have only burner ones so I can still follow accounts I’m interested in but I no longer post anything because I overshare 🤦 I’ve given up on therapists because they’re never trained enough for my level of trauma and I’d only end up more traumatized. I get you! You’re not alone 😊
I overwhelm myself, so quite sure I overwhelm others! I’m always questioning what I said in conversations, was it too much, not enough, stupid, offensive, etc. Yes, definitely shame from childhood trauma, but so hard to control in the moment. Your videos are so helpful, but at age 78 I’m wondering if I’ll ever totally get it under control.
Yes. Yes I do. And once I found out what I was doing and what it was called, I hold back .
But sometimes it's so hard and I have to literally clench my lips😅
By the way, I LOVE your conversation roleplays. Hearing you play a healthy mother (in some older videos) basically changed my life. I had never heard anyone talk that way before
This thumbnail is amazing
Those first few minutes! Oh my heavens, you know me so well!
The grief I feel now when I reflect and acutely see how I unknowingly behaved is heartfelt and palpable. Although I wasn't aware, I do take full responsibility.
I feel such sadness for how my mood affected - and afflicted!! - others. The parentifying!! Oh dear, oh dear...
Watching to see how this video develops...
🙏
Video requests for you Patrick: 1) taking things too literally. I’m not sure whether it is just ADHD and neurodivergent issue or if it could be caused by childhood trauma as well. It’s a blind spot for me and I take people word for word, especially when they are raging at me. 2) self compassion and accepting while healing. How to not be too hard on oneself 3) deep dive on black and white thinking and why it worked as a child but does not work for adults. How it leads to anxiety and depression. And strategies out of the cycle.
In his book Scattered Minds Gabor Mate states that ADHD has a lot to do with trauma. So maybe trauma causes ADHD and Neurodivergence, or at least in some cases or to some degree? I would like to know more about possible connections… like you. At least I got better with self acceptance - really is the little sister of self love.
Thank you Patrick, I think the only scenario I was waiting for is the co-worker that gives and but doesn’t receive. You think you’re in a safe space with someone because they have spilled their feelings with you, but then when you go to share it’s too much.
Yep. These are people who have a hard time handling their own feelings so they definitely can’t handle yours.
I have a friend like this & I’ve learned that I just don’t go to her with anything big.
You’ll just end up feeling invalidated if you do.
The hardest thing I find is standing up for myself for fear of conflict because I had a violent father and submissive Mother ..so felt I had to defuse the situation by going against my own nature to appease my father and feel sorry for my Mother and realise now I was angry at her for 1 not standing up for herself and 2 putting him first before her children ..leaving us to work it out ..which was too much for a young child so we take on these role's ...thanks for your video .
You are such a gift! Thank you for providing so much loving and valuable insight.
I have some friends that like me the way I am and insist that I'm not overwhelming, and I have other friends that insist that I overwhelm them. It's very confusing. Great video, Patrick...thank you.
This is a worry of mine. Sometimes I will isolate myself so I’m not “too much” or “say the wrong thing”.
I'm so thankful I found your UA-cam channel! I felt so alone and ashamed when I finally decided to address my childhood CPTSD in 2020. Your channel gave me the courage to find a trauma therapist and read John Bradshaw books to help me understand my inner child! Fast forward... it's 2024 and I have begun to thrive internally! Instead of harming myself, I have a new purpose to reparent! 🙏Namaste!
OMG i am getting overwhelmed with this talk
I wish I could change. I'm a bit much. STILL. Every new situation i try to keep my mouth shut and say less rather than more. Never really manage it. Although I'm better than I was 30 years ago, so, must be making progress.
i'm deeply ashamed after i overshared and essentially "trauma dump" to some friends without their consent, i realized its from this deep need i have for people to understand me, deep down i even think that i wish that they pity me so they don't abandon me, but all this effort gets me the opposite affect... its been hard to keep all my stories and feelings to myself, but i've been getting better at it, too bad it's by isolating from everyone, but at least i'm not making a fool of myself anymore. its good to take this time to heal.
This section of a book explains this well: "We have different uses and meanings of words, some of which obscure certain truths from us. One word that is interesting in this way is the word "act" or "acting." At one level of interpretation of the word "act," all people do is called an "act" and all people are involved in "acting" or "action" when they inter-act with the world around them. The closest word also to how healthy and optimal people interact with the world verses how less healthy people interact, can also be seen as use of the word "acting." Since it is always better to create more descript terms or phrases that further clarify what we mean, in this case, we can use the phrase "responsibility acting." This "responsibility acting" by psychologically optimal people is a useful idea in mental health and self-development. It has implications in the study of virtue. It is what makes people functional in society. As a type of responsibility, a psychologically healthy person and even perhaps a virtuous one knows to not let his whole inner psychology become exposed to the world. Some people, especially the schizophrenic or persons with other types of mental illness, have no such "ego walls," no such separation from all the different thoughts and feeling they may have about someone. They can not "fake it" for sake of social grace or taking a part in life. It is proverbial wisdom sometimes in life we have to "fake it till we make it." It makes the world a kinder and warmer place when people do some "responsibility acting" when they feel otherwise. "
"The mentally ill often have no ability to do this at all, and this is one thing that distinguishes them from normal people. This doesn't just refer to people with severe mental illness but many people who are disempowered. They often have no ability to put a good social self forward because of the sake of being seen as disingenuous. There seems to be an emotional wound that comes from having had to expose all one's self to others. The more functional, but still not fully empowered person, will not do responsibility-acting for perhaps a similar reason. They can not act assertively on an outward level or contain inner aggressive wishes. These people are like rocket ships that refuse to ignite and combust their fuel."
"Society is a functional trust that one's responsibility-acting will be accepted. The wounds from abusive events towards a person conditions them to stop this acting. Their life becomes like a limb that no longer has the same range of motion. Being a player in the game of life is to be a part of the great drama, to accept that the rules of the game do not harm anyone intrinsically. A person who has been abused only remembers that people who play the game can be abusive, and they stop playing the game. The wounds one receives are merely like points scored against one in any kind of sport. One has to stay in the game for one's own interests and even keep "acting" -- it is to take on one's responsibility in life. Hence, "responsibility acting" is a good expression for this aspect of life.
"
From Virtuism: Philosophy and the Aesthetics of Virtue
Thanks for book title
I subscribed to your channel last year and haven't seen any of your videos until today. And when I clicked on this to make sure I was subscribed, I wasn't!! So, I had to subscribe again. I've noticed UA-cam has done this to me at least 5 other times before!! And thank you so much for this video! I've always known I was intense and overwhelming but I didn't know in what ways so this video is very helpful!! Parental neglect is no joke. It's like I have to learn how to be a human being at age 49. Lord help me.
Wow. That was tough to see. I felt embarrassed seeing it but I am grateful too because one time a coworker called me out saying all I do is complain and now I see I was looking for validation. I am not where I used to be but I am still not where I want to be. Thank you so much for your video and journal prompts. I am getting back to “work”
This is such gold, thank you! The parts where you role play and show alternatives is so incredibly helpful.
Those role plays are so edutaining
Thanks so much for this… I trauma dump too often sometimes. I really try to save that for me and my husband since he’s the only one who understands me. But at times I feel like I really do bring an overwhelming energy unintentionally.
This is the 1st person who hit the nail on the head about my unique communication styles that overwhelm people. Thank you helping me realize that my home was weirder than I understood.
Oh yes! Been there but I could not understand why this was overwhelming to others. All trauma reactions, the need to fix and mend especially. In the end exhaustion revealed the truth to me, taught me how to pull back and that there was an alternative way of being.
I have overshared my whole life and I have finally realized after 44 years that people can take me as I am or think i am overwhelming. I don't care anymore. I used to mind what other people thought of me and my "T.M.I." moments and was ashamed because I couldn't control myself. I realized after losing every single one of my immediate family members that life is too short to give a shit what other people think of me. Take me and my over sharing ass and love me as I am or don't bother with me.
❤
This is kinda where I'm at too, now that 50 is looming. I'm going to try and continue to do my inner work but care less about my impact on others, because at this age, I just can't anymore. Take me as I am.
My dogs even slink out of the room because I'm crying too much
😂😂😂
😭
LOL sorry not funny but yeah, kind of funny. but they come back right? Animals are my best friends.
It's weird. I remember being very... Silent about everything until I was about 16 when I got to see a psychologist for the first time. It's like a went from zero to 100 and I'm stuck at a very high number on that scale still
Same
The role plays are literally so good they’re making me laugh
Thanks for your analysis Patrick. I am in a homelessness situation where all my survival strategies have been activated and when I listen to your video I do initially feel a lot of shame for the intensity of what I am feeling. However something else arises from beneath that about the unhealthiness of our society, of our workplaces, of the way we conduct relationships. In response to what you said about the adult function is to be independently self managing ( or something similar), I would like to say none of us were designed to be hermits, we are naturally designed to be interrelational, to co regulate and we can easily feel that we are wrong for having emotional reactions. We easily blame ourselves for the toxicity of the culture.
Emotional reactions tell us something is wrong, intensity tells us something is very wrong. In your role play, there is something very wrong in a workplace that ignores an agreement made with an employee. We can easily self gaslight ourselves about our responses to that and focus on "fixing ourselves" . Similarly in our cultural norms about the socialisation of men and women that plays out in intimate relationships and family dynamics where one person always is above another and their version of how life should be lived is more highly valued gives rise to disrespect, exclusion and abuse. We are also so socialised to avoid conflict and seek advice from others. No wonder most people lack any intensity and feel threatened when they feel it in others.
As a result most people do not complain about wrongs and those that do are labelled crazy, aggressive or ignored. It has created a dominant discourse that we the "overwhelmers" or the "intense" are wrong and yet look at the state of the world. We have a global abuse of power and severe neglect of many peoples.
We the intense super sensitive are right to be highly activated - our environments are under great threat. One of the biggest harms done by therapy has been unintentionally "fixing "people up to live in a f###ed up society. One of the best things we can do is to trust our bodies, trust what we feel as true and learn that some people are in denial because they are frightened about what is going on and their way of coping is to steer clear of you or to criticise you or exclude you.
Wow ! So well said ! I agree with you.
Whoa! This is important stuff. If only we were all self-regulated and assertive. I'm certainly a work in progress!
Parents aren't perfect and certainly didn't mean to create these effects, in most cases, but all this dysfunction! Why does our inner childhood trauma still mess with us? It is nice to be retired so I have time to work on myself.
My narc sister said to me “boho poor you…always the victim!!”. I’ve never forgotten that.
My sister has expressed similar sentiments to me. It hurts. 😢
ignore narcs. they're the crazy ones.
Why is this so freaking perfect????? Thank you!
Spot on about interacting with and learning from healthy people. This was my biggest ah-ha in life, to observe people with healthy coping and social skills. I watched how they interacted with others and the world around them. I took notes, so to speak, internalized those skills and habits until they became mine. In the process I observed conflicting dialogues in my head and began to realize those were my trauma issues rearing their heads- that’s when the work to figure out where they came from took a giant step forward.
I have been in exactly those situations on the listener side. I hated it, I felt like I can't remove myself from this because the person would be even more hurt, and have more on their plate. I remember thinking, "If it's so terrible to listen to this, how much of a mess must it be in their head, they need empathy."
If I can add, there is a time and place for things. I like listening to others and offering perspective, but not when I try to start the same email for the 15th time and they screenshot me every other message they get, cause they perceive it as a personal attack. And they ignore my responses and go off on the next thing.
To all of you who overshare, I'd ask you to check out whether you have ADHD. I was only diagnosed a few years ago in my 60s with ADHD. We don't have the 'normal' filters to block or even to stop and think before yakking away. I may even have developed it in relation to how I was treated in childhood. I didn't have a voice, so maybe I've overcompensated for it by developing ADHD. This trait is called "blurting". It is possible to modify, but it's always going to be there. Also, being bored after spending a short while at a social gathering is very common if you're on the spectrum, with which I was also diagnosed. We don't do small talk and mundane social chitchat, and being sociable for more than an hour or two is seriously incapacitating. We need a lot of alone time, and it can take days to get back to 'normal' again after just meeting up with friends etc.
The chitchat is supposed to build a relationship with people slowly, but at a party I'm supposed to give the same energy to people I might never see again. Plus, I'm often bored or perplexed on why someone might touch briefly on an indepth conversation before moving on without being completely interested.
so grateful Patrick for you and your practice. this video really hit home as i am presently keenly aware of my ‘too muchness’. thank you for giving me other avenues - other than my shame - to help heal this part. again, so grateful for your you and your work.
You doing the role play = me when someone asks how my day is going
Had my annual review last week and was told I'm often "on 10." Had been watching this channel here and there this year and immediately tied the feedback to my trauma. Spent the weekend journaling and I want to change. I want to forgive myself for being obnoxious (my words). This video is helping me forgive myself and I'm so grateful. It's actually a relief knowing I don't have to move through life like this and much I've been wearing ME out. Thank you, Patrick!
Speaking as someone who has shut down with overwhelming people in my life, it does work. They have learned how to behave differently with me if they truly desire my interaction or opinion.
They are definitely not always interested in what I think but when they are they practice a more desired and respectful approach.
Examples of this helps me to understand more as well as I'm far away from perfect.
I appreciate the video and hit the like.
Wow, I do all of these. Sometimes I just don't say anything to anyone because I don't know how else to deal with it. Good role plays. That helped and it's good to know other people understand this and where it might be coming from.
Thank-you. Definitely a pattern happening in the conversational affect, and disordered, immature or unaware, in a conscious way of these odd speech glitches. Good info!
Saw this title and clicked so fast!
I've asked myself this from time to time. Great topic.