6 Ways The Toxic Family Shames You For Changing
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- Drama Triangle Video:
• Is There Cheap Intimac...
Family Cut Off Video:
• How to Do a Cut off Fr...
How to work on it:
1) Here is a journal prompt. What got you here with your family? - that wedding disaster? how they crossed huge boundaries with your partner? you or your children? the refusal to acknowledge the abuse, that time you were in the hospital and told to take a cab home? That your mother turned it all around on you were your sister owes you money and refuses to pay you? That your father refuses to believe that you were sexually assaulted by another family member. This prompt is about how we will lose our way with reality when the family shames.
Write down the situations that got you here and keep it handy when you are shamed or when shame comes us.
2) A second journal prompt is to walk yourself through what it would look like for you to give in. Even if you’d never at this point, what would happen to you emotionally to cave in and go to the family gathering that protects the perpetrator or refuses to acknowledge. Would you be back in your family role as the scapegoat? Would you continue to be misunderstood and minimized? What do you gain by putting yourself in such and unsafe place again... are you just trading the awful guilt and shame back to feeling of not being seen and back where you started? Do you again lose yourself or self yourself short in that hypothetical?
Inner children have built-in forgetting and just want a family - the adult knows how that will go.
3) Create two columns of issues. Column one what the family says about you working on yourself or establishing a boundary or a cut off. All the BS… you’re too sensitive, you’re selfish, how could you, that’s not how “family works”, but it’s the holidays, you know your mother would do anything for you…yeah but you don’t turn your back on family no matter how bad… mom tried to keep dad sober at your wedding and you should be grateful.
In, the second column write out what your truth of what you’ve learned to each point. “Abusive systems use the sensitivity card, if protecting myself from emotional abuse is selfish…so be it. Mom trying to get dad to not drink so much is swimming against the tide and her codependency - no medals for that. Going through my partner or my children to make me look like I’m crazy is a manipulative narcissistic ploy. I’m not dramatic or sensitive, the family system protects perpetrators. A toxic system will tell the abused children to think more of the perpetrators rather than themselves. Aunt betty being a codependent agent is her refusal to acknowledge how abusive my father is because that reality makes her uncomfortable. It’s about her.”
In this video we cover: triggers, cut-offs, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
3:55 Connect With Me
4:41 Some Common Scenarios
6:17 #1: Make the Abusive Family Member the "Real Victim"
9:08 #2: Gets Back At You - Retribution
11:42 #3: Turns It All Around & Uses the Selfish Card
13:45 #4: Game Playing
16:00 #5: Codependent Agents
19:10 #6: Half-Safe Members Who Ignore or Omit
20:49 Final Thoughts
22:04 How to Work on it
26:49 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
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⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
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"Some of the most toxic people come disguised as family"
Such wise words.
Oh snap!! U just blew my mind!! 🤯
Comment of the year! 👏🏾🙌🏾
Most of the family
I agree but also think this is only part of the story; "family" is an idea that is too often attributed with magical meaning that serves to further enable abusers and places their targets under social pressure to continue to accept whatever garbage is dumped upon them. Thus I would add that shaming someone to accept disgusting behaviour in the name of some familial relationship is tantamount to being an accessory to abuse before and after the fact.
if i had a nickel for every time my family has called me sensitive i'd beat bezos to space
Same. Awful isn't it?
Same.
Oh god. Or they claim you have a mood disorder because they don't like you having emotions.
Bwahahaha you made me laugh. Thank you xD (also same)
@@cappuchino_creations aw that's all i can hope to do!
"Can't heal where you got sick". Absolutely golden.
That's right. Don't look for healing at the feet of those who hurt you ❤
My mom tries to talk to my boyfriend cause I have blocked her I finally told her off again today. My boyfriend sides with her and I'm just done I'm thinking about breaking up with him also I'm just done and he's always on their side it just get's so old.
@@mariahconklin4150sounds like you are dating for familiarity- meaning you got into a relationship with someone who is the same as your toxic past. Yeah you def need to leave, and go to therapy and/or work on yourself before you date again- otherwise you’ll just repeat the same relationship.
The sickest person always will be the center of attention and protected if one remains in the environment/circle.
@@mariahconklin4150hope you left him and found someone new.
Oh my gosh. I told my ex-therapist the abuse from my father. It took so much courage because I grew up hiding the abuse and shame. When I told her about him breaking into my house, killing my cats, leaving their bloody bodies then laughing and telling me that I shouldn't have cats in the house, my ex-therapist actually said "that's your truth" then asked me what is "your father's truth". I told her that there's not "my truth", "your truth" "your father's truth"...there is only THE TRUTH!! Truth is fucking truth. Then I fired her.
There are a looooot of sociopaths and psychopaths in the mental health profession.
I'm sorry you dealt with one, and for the horrific abuse you dealt with ❤
Sorry that happened, and great job on firing the therapist.
@@scperera913 Thank you. I've personally found that just by watching videos, journaling and keeping mentally and physically healthy, that it's MUCH better than therapy and certainly most therapists.
Hope she didn't get any money from you! Evil cow.
Wow that’s insane, some therapists are horrible, I’ve gone through so many.it’s really difficult to find a good one
Gotta be honest. I came here looking for info about trauma I experienced - and discovered that I've been a perpetrator. I shamed my brother for his anger towards and treatment of my drug addicted parent because I thought we could love them to health. This really helped me see my codependence and maybe toxic loyalty... and I'm planning on reaching out with an apology at the very least. Its shocking and a bit troubling to me to consider all the other blind spots I had about this. Looking forward to learn and grow and make amends for pain i might have caused.
Remember you were abused too. This is a pattern your inner child probably picked up to cope. Children do internalize what’s happening to their parents and believe they can fix it. So happy you’ve gotten some clarity and I hope you reach out to your brother and that it works out well.
I hope you and your brother work things out!
I find that it is very common when in a toxic family system to both be a victim and a perpetrator. I am the family scapegoat and the person who has been targeted the most by my abuser and other members of the family, but when someone else was targeted there have been times when I have fed into that or shamed my siblings or someone else for something that my abuser has shamed me for. It's a means of survival, and oftentimes we will project the shame and pain projected onto us by our abuser, onto other people inside or outside the family system. This is how victims become abusers themselves, and why it is so important to recognize your own toxic traits and behaviors early on. But even if you don't recognize them early on, don't be too hard on yourself because you really didn't know any better. How can you learn to walk when the people around you have been crawling their entire lives? The important thing is once you do recognize it, do the work to fix it. That is what sets you apart from a real abuser versus someone who just got caught in a toxic abusive cycle.
The fact that you are able to take accountability this way means that you are capable of ending the cycle of generational trauma. It always hurts when you realise in what way you have contributed to the toxic dynamic. But through acknowledging that, you will also begin to realise how the abuse that you yourself experienced has taught you to behave a certain way (for example, the codependency that you have mentioned),and how you have had normal responses to abnormal situations. Not only does this mean that those responses can be unlearned,but beyond that, you cannot beat yourself up for trying to live/survive/cope in an abusive situation. You used the tools that were available to you. And now that you know better, you can do better. Please do not hold yourself responsible for how your parents have taught you to cope/be complacent in their abusive behavior. Please remember, you were the kid, they were the adults.
Same! 🙋🏾♀️ but you know what, I woke up and realized that I was being abused and also using the same tactics my dysfunctional family used. It gets better and I hope you make your peace when you’re ready.
“Be the bigger person “ means lay flatter doormat and they dont want to question their own roles in the dynamic or real feelings about the chaos they are floating in.
So true!
“My work in therapy would disappear every time I interacted with them” holy shit that just clicked for me. Thank you! That one quote makes so much sense to me and really explains why I’m still struggling despite working on things /w my therapist because I can’t talk about my abuse with my family but am stuck living with them and forced to come back every single day.
Why should we pick up all the peices when they don't even work on themselves? Plus my family makes it all about them it's so frusterating.
@@mariahconklin4150 They’ve done NOTHING WRONG in their eyes.
Walk away you won’t regret it.
I'm working on a plan and preparing for the day I disappear from some people's lives. They will receive a letter explaining what I've done and what measures I will put in place. I already plan to contact the police and leave instructions in case anyone rings them to do a welfare check on me, making sure that they are informed that I am OK but that they will be unable to find/contact me. As I'm an adult I am able to now make choices without giving them my location.
I've been told I'm selfish and self centered so many times it hurts to even think about it. 🤦🏼♀️
Your not the only ones.
same and worse… Accused of “living to hurt people” when I’m the peace maker and only wanting peace
My family shamed me my whole life for being sensitive. 2 parents, 7 siblings, and me. I cut them all out in 2005 and never looked back including funerals. Getting away from toxic judgements did me a world of good.
This made me feel hopeful. I am happy things are better for you.
Funerals is when their most toxic behavior comes out, so good for you for avoiding THAT insanity. My parents both passed away the last year and a half, and although we didn’t have funerals for them due to Covid and my parents wishes, the levels of insanity really got turned up a notch around these deaths. And my beliefs that most of my misery would disappear when my Mom was gone was wrong. A lot of it was gone for me, but my older siblings are now jockeying to fill the toxic void she left when she passed away, and stepping up their shaming, manipulation, gaslighting, lies.
their loss. Bravo for the 17 years (and counting) of sanity you created for yourself
I just cut my family off this summer. Its ok for them to be unstable but it isnt for me to speak my truth?
Of all the family members, much more is expected of me and I have the least to give…like my family has millions and I have nothing. I never ask bc I dont want their help. Their help comes with conditions. That isnt love.
@@goodgrief888 The last funeral I went to, my aunt greeted me by slapping me on my ass. Later when I told her not to do that, she laughed and said "never!" Ick
You are a gift.
💯
I second that!
Agreed
Yes you are.
So true
My sister actually wrote a book about how wonderful my dad was, when he was an alcoholic, cheated on my mom for 4 years and molested me.. What a great guy huh?
Absolutely 100% accurate. I’m disrespectful, and uncooperative EVERY time I have to interact with my “family” when I try and set boundaries.
“You’re not the same anymore, we miss the old you!” (Old me=loud, impulsive, fun drunk, enmeshed, co-dependent, caregiver sibling)
Exactly the same is happening to me right now.
@@worshipinspiritandtruth stay strong and be encouraged knowing that you are unconditionally loved by God. To embracing a less toxic life! ❤️
Saying that just makes me (and other people) feel like they dont like you for who you are now
And that honestly makes people feel terrible-
Dunno if that even makes sense-
@@chelsean637 stay encouraged! There are people who will love the new you! The Most High God does and always will!
Ahava Shalom - AMEN
"Retribution from family is a very surreal experience, whether its done in big ways or small ways. It tells you the family can be vicious when you don't stay in your lane, in the role that they gave you. The confusing part of it is, the reality of the family has a pettiness to it, and has a toxic loyalty to the abusers that you aren't fully aware of until you try to change or heal... "
“We can’t heal in the environment where the abuse happened”
I always thought of the environment as a physical space/location/circumstance, but you helped me realise that my family are the environment. Thank you so much for your videos. Words cannot express how much you have helped me.
That’s ideal but many of us have to find a way to adapt.
@@tm13tube for a time
You’re not alone… I was in so much pain and denial about my whole family ( both parents narcissists with sociopathic tendencies) and siblings closely following while I am the scapegoat and helper and punching bag . I realized at age 32 and still learning and trying to heal while still forced to be around them until I am able to get out and away completely 💜😣😩😮💨🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
My husband dont like to talk abt the pain his mother had caused him since she has became more relaxed and understanding after her nasty divorce. He kept saying he has gotten over it, but wouldnt that means he could talk about it? He would blame the birth of his younger sis and dad's condom broke for his mother's wrongdoings because she was a gd mother before(who also dressed him in pink becuz she liked a daughter better?). It's difficult trying to get him to come full circle w what his mother did wrong (narcisstic, authoratative, selfish) becuz he only has her now his parents has divorced n younger sis has her own slew of problems
Tbh, i just countdown to her passing away becuz i personally find her past decisions troublesome and she,herself, nv apologize or talk abt it(Chinese).
It's like healing a burn while you're still on fire.
My last text I received after I set up boundaries with my mom was “selfish to the core.” This video is spot on.
As if you owe her something. Unbelievable. I’m am so sorry.
Wow. My dad urged my mom that she needed to apologize to me, and at least I got a vague, "sorry for all the ways I hurt you before, let's start over". Uh.....that's not it. I don't trust her words anymore because her actions have never changed. Geez I'm so sorry your mom didn't even try to fake it. 😔 😥
Wow. Same as my father. I’ve been called as “selfish” since i am young just because I don’t take his responsibility.
They seem us like the spoiled ones 🙂😔
@@mosaicowlstudios maybe she really wants to start over. Set up boundaries and let her know. If she doesn't respect them, then she's not ready to start over.
1. They make the abuser the 'real victim'. 2. Retribution 3. Use the 'your selfish' card. 4. Petty game playing 5. Co-Dependant Agents 6. Half-safe members [exit the conflict, can't 'take sides' because they are codependant
Yeah, don'tcha just love the codependents who "go along to get along" and wear their little halos proudly. They like to quote "blessed are the peacemakers". They are the shiny side of the same evil coin.
@@helenhighwater5313 😂😂😂 never heard peacemakers called that but I do hate when ppl say they don't take a side when clearly they are taking the other person's side and telling you to "get over it, it's family". 🤨 sorry but that is not a nuetral party.
Wolves in 🐑 clothing. My children's dad & family. Backstabbers! They are tooth-faced, have double standards, and abusive. Always playing games. The rules only apply to you.
Toxic abusive people hate the light in you. Also, they wish to dim your light. Many are envious of your growth. It's the intentional bull💩 they project onto you. Always petty and trying to shame you over the silly things. Most are attention whores and love to hear their self talk. They do not want to see you happy. It's a shame that your day ones flip on you, an refuse to acknowledge the 💩 they put you through. I was blind, but now I see. Cowards!
Hate to be that person, but I think you meant "You're selfish."
@@helenhighwater5313 Or these peace makers tell you that you're holding a "grudge". How does that equate when you're done being the whipping post and no longer want to "hang" with abusers, enablers, belittlers, druggies and down right mean people?
I've always wondered where the value is in maintaining or re-establishing superficial relationships with toxic family members. My instinct is that life is too short for that.
Well said! We don’t owe the biological family a share of our limited social energy. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. That means that the blood oath sworn by choice is a stronger bond than the random family of origin .”Blood is thicker than water” really means, pick your own family!
Same. They took time away from important goals & priorities in my life.
@@TexanWineAunt Amen!!
You need God,no one will be
able to change without the help
from God.With God all things are
POSSIBLE. Change comes within.
Guys… I think we found the toxic family member 👆
"a toxic family system will tell abused children to think more about the perpetrators than think about themselves" I need to stitch this on a pillow and look at it everyday
My favorite --
Mom: "Apologize to your sister"
Brother: "I'm sorry that you're too sensitive and took it personally"
Mom: "Do you accept his apology?"
Me: "That's not really an apology."
Mom: "Now you are being the problem. Why can't you just accept his apology?"
Wait...what the...?!?!
This is too familiar.
It was a 5 year process for me, but when I got that shaming final email stating "you're just blaming your sister, and me, for all of YOUR PROBLEMS", I can say that I had progressed so much that I just named it for what it was and laughed. It was so classic!
I got a horrible awful accusatory email when I posted family pictures on Facebook. My mom went off. For putting up a family picture, that got positive comments.
It is immensely liberating once you recognize what’s really going on-and that it has NOTHING to do with you whatsoever. It’s the parent acting out in destructive ways in order to somehow try and feel LESS guilt and shame for what they themselves couldn’t control in their own upbringing…. It’s a quiet, deceptive, perpetual cycle that can’t be overcome until the root of the original issue is exposed.
And it’s a very delicate thing to try and balance the parent/child dynamic. On one hand, you know you’re likely to get triggered and sucked back into the vortex if you are around them, but you don’t always want to disown them completely because let’s face it, they managed to feed and clothe you and keep you alive, and you don’t want to be unappreciative of that, but…..😩….it can be exhausting trying to know when and where to draw lines and enforce boundaries, etc..
@@CrownedMeadow ...so, so very true...
I just remind myself that i am DESCRIBING THE problem: their behavior. And yes their behavior is one of my problems. But problems i can't control bc i didn't create them can only be set outside of my life. Can't change them so B-bye!
@@CrownedMeadow i'm sorry but feeding and clothing was not some "Gift" they gave you. They followed their animal urges and produced you. That they perceived you as some burden is their failur and their fault. The requirement to feed and clothe and house you was not some kind of punishment they had to endure. It was a normal, totally PREDICTABLE consequence of irresponsible sexual behsvior. They had no right to punish you for being born. Other DECENT human beings take on caring for their offspring with joy and gratitude. In every way, at every juncture, they have persistently and relentlessly chosen to harm you to benefit themselves. Is there a pile of clithes or food high enough to EVER erase the harm they caused for no reason except that they are com ppl letely incapable of basic pro-social humanity? Wild animals are kinder to their young. WTF!?
Thanks for bringing Up the "providing food and shelter" argument. People Will use that to "prove" that your parents are good, when in reality that's the bare minimum
Ikr
They audacity
Food clothing shelter r basic human needs
Tell them that love is a necessity too.
👆THIS!
That excuse of a father providing for his family i.e. food, home/shelter plus braces, college etc. has been used for the past 100 years because in the Victorian era that was what they erroneously deemed as great fatherhood before women worked to help support their families! My late malignant narc/sociopathic/psychopathic Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde father was born in 1910, my late co-dependent mother in 1908 and she grew up without a father who ran away when she was two months old so she had no role model in which to judge how a father should be or act. She came from a more poor family, but got job training in the 1930s and had a career as a secretary during the Great Depression in the 1930s and met my father on a blind date, aptly put! He was tall dark and movie star handsome , highly educated at top universities with a master's degree so that was golden to her, but both suffered from what I call a "Victorian hangover"! I think my stern looking paternal grandfather who was of German descent must have been another abuser and my co-dependent grandmother who had been orphaned by age 1 looked up to him as some kind of God who could do no wrong. Never met him since he died before my parents were married. Never met my real maternal grandfather either and my maternal grandmother was also orphaned at infancy and adopted as well, lots of abandonment issues there and everything is "epigenetic" in families and gets handed down from generation to generation until the toxic dysfunctional shaming system gets broken and ended. Best of luck, always better to see we're all not alone! More prevalent than I think many people realize, unfortunately! We all have to be strong and carry on the best we can and heal the best we can! Warriors!!
My mom does this all the time. To this day. I’m almost 50!!
I had an aunt, a grandmother & a cousin who were all aware of the severe psychological and emotional abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my adoptive parents. I had lengthy conversations about it with all 3 of them over the years, and they all seemed to support me privately. As soon as I started openly calling out the abuse (in my 40’s) everybody went crickets on me, some even pulling the “your childhood was fine, the past is the past” BS in favor of keeping up appearances (upper middle class.) Lonely feeling man…
❤❤
Big hugs on you 💐💞.
Same I was adopted into a family, horrible Narcissist mother, enabler father. The only relief I got was from drinking or visiting some close aunty's of mine. And I told them to the extent that I knew what was happening. Now that I'm 31 speaking up about the abuse and against it, everyone is saying God will get you through. Humble yourself and tell your parents how you feel. Anything is possible with God.
I just need a place to go. And they all bailed out
This was my situation as well. Supported by few in private, publicly shamed for slowly speaking my truth in early 20s. Now I’m almost 40 and as lonely as it can be, I realize I’ve self-soothed/consoled nearly my entire life. I’m not as bothered by the emotional distance with family because I am comfortably introducing them to who I’ve always been within. They reduce my fairness and balance to finger wagging! 😂
The hardest struggle & choice in life is leaving an abusive family that causes us to self-destruct & facing life alone ALIVE, or staying & getting our life slowly crushed out of us. And even leaving creates terrible wounds that take years to heal. So often, many of us leave but face terrible loneliness. This is why so many people remain in abusive addictive families (they may run away but eventually many circle back, even if it has deadly consequences), I cannot tell you how many friends try to leave abusive addicted parents, sobered up but went back & were lost. The difficulty of escaping our family is the huge trap of helplessness & unending pain & grief we face by leaving. We dont just have to fight to survive by leaving our family but we have to fight the toxic inner child (who uses every trick in the book to HOLD ON & return to their old toxic belief system that they have to remain in an abusive family, that there is only suffering in our world) NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THE TOXIC INNER CHILD BELIEFS & how they drive us to REN-ACT OUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ( just to confirm their own awful VICTIM belief system TO confirm that THEIR AWFUL PAST EXPERIENCE is the only reality that exists which is a complete gaslighting lie. We INTERNALIZE the LIES force fed to us by our families. So ANYONE who has the strength to LEAVE A TOXIC FAMILY is A HERO because they have broken the chain of spreading abuse in the world. The other family members that STAY will spread the toxic family model to their kids & friends & co-workers. BUT YOU BROKE FREE! So consider the idea that somehow you must learn to enjoy your liberation from your familY's toxic polluted view of love. If we are still suffering, it is because we have NOT truly LET GO of our deeply internalized family BELIEFS about ourselves! But there is a light at the end of all of this. It takes the greatest courage to leave & by leaving we create a space for our own life to grow. But we can only create our own beautiful & peaceful garden, if we commit completely to digging out our own toxic beliefs about ourselves & then finding our place in the world. Dig & unearth the self hatred & shame & drown those toxic family voices out with commonsense & self-acceptance.( For example, "I am alone" can become" I am without family living among 6 billion people & like everyone else, eventually we all spend time alone All us humans are alone in our bodies, but we are all together living on earth. I am like all the other people in the world & I have time alone to do whatever creative energizing activity I want. I can push through my past & stretch, move to music, run in the park, write a story, get a puppy, join a group to practice my favorite hobby, cook a healthy meal & invite a friend or just breathe & listen to sad music") When thoughts come into our minds about our past family, it is just a reminder that we are grieving, we are still working through pain. The key to moving on from suffering is about accepting ourselves, allowing our grief to be expressed & released & truly letting our family & our pain go. We let go of our pain by moving away & creating our own life! Its hard to run but way harder to rebuild our life. We left a toxic family & now we can rebuild our lives by reaching out & creating our own tribe & a whole new life! BUILD SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU!
"Inner children have built in forgetters and just want a family - the adult knows how that will go. "
YES. Thank you
😢
Sad but true. And it doesn't lighten up as they age, but instead unhealthy people tend to become even less healthy. 😢
😢
thanks for saying that - - it seriously helps to remember that one when you get tripped up, and why? i knew better.
Cutting off my abusive family was the most painful thing I have ever done. It’s hard to live the rest of my life without a family. However, my separation from my family saved my life because I was seriously suicidal. And, yes, my family members engaged in intensive shaming and harassment. They all rallied around my abuser and made me the bad guy for holding my abuser accountable.
F*ck those people. You will find better, genuine people who will respect your boundaries, and resonate with your strength and authenticity.
Helen, that's incrediable you got yourself out. I really hope you are healthier and feeling more peace in your life. The strength it takes to do what you have done, leaves no question you are a truly strong, wise being. There is a world of people out there who as Daniel perfectly puts it will respect your boundaries and resonate with who you truly are. Once we free ourselves from what equates to a dictatorship, its incrediable what comes your way.... We can't pick our family but we can pick our friends.
YEP 💔
Going through this now, the only one who understands is my mother, who was also victim to my father as well. My brother literally gaslights me any chance he can. He literally shamed me when I finally cut my father off, and told me my father should've cut me off first.
Same here.My family has become more self centered, selfish, and toxic. I'm far from being as close to most of them as I was 20 years ago. Most of them have changed a lot, and mostly not for the better. It's so sad.We have grown more apart since our parents have passed on. And even more so when our best, and eldest sibling passed away. And now even in the last year since we almost lost another sibling. I have lost so much respect for most of them.Most of them have gotten way more than I did yet act like they never got anything.I feel so much better when I'm away from them, so sad it has to be that way.
there's a saying in my house "dirty laundry gets washed at home". Meaning: "Don't talk to anyone about the bad things that happen in the house because it's shameful behaviour and disrespectful to your family."
My mother told me not to talk about feelings because that upsets people. what? She died from a mystery thick blood disease at 59. I think she kept everything that mattered in and simmered herself to death.
My mother said the same thing.
The most difficult part of going no-contact with an entire family dynamic was explaining the torment to others. When you've never personally witnessed such an evil environment, it can be very unsettling for outsiders to know that such exists, and not just in the movies.
So true. I guess “normal” people just can’t imagine what it’s like. Every single friend and acquaintance in my life over the decades has told me to be the bigger person, to forgive, to be understanding bc they’re from a different generation, etc.
I so regret listening to this advice, and moving back numerous times, and trying to “make it work.”
Anyone reading this:
This is real and this does hurt, but you are not alone in your departure. You did what was right for you, so please don't beat yourself up for how others take it.
Heal yourself and remove every toxic thing from you. 🙏❤💪
It's been so hard as a single Mom. They were even horrible to my Son, he was 13 when We chose to cut ties... My Son wanted to also get away from them. He was their 1st grandchild, I'm their first born, the doormat, punching bag no longer! I had a mini stroke June 2021, they found no cause for the stroke. I had to learn to walk again... my left side of my body is numb. They just ignored us even more. Left me with my 13 year old Son, my "dad" told my Son he has to take care of me because I have no support... right in front of me !! Oooh that was a tough one.
I clenched my teeth to keep my mouth shut and walked away! Forever! Our minds are better! They still don't care. I had 3 younger siblings that my mother allowed to treat us horribly... and she didn't have any of them help us... wtf!
I’m just so tired of trying to fit in with them when we’re so different but then feeling ashamed and guilty for leaving them behind..we’ll never see eye to eye and I don’t enjoy their company, it’s draining, I feel like a wallflower just waiting for get togethers to be over with..I’m so over it all
That's right. I've learned that those who dont understand will judge. Those who understand 😢😮😅 won't judge
YES!!! Spot on! I'm the "black sheep" of my family because I don't drink like a liquor pig around my kids and live at the bar. Everytime they say "you're not better than any of us, princess, get off that pedastle" I remind them of all the fighting and dysfunction I saw as a kid and refuse to continue this cycle with mine. That just pisses them off even more. Fun times. We are in the "cold shoulder/you're dead to us" phase right now and I'm not even mad about it.
Continue to carry yourself as a princess. Being a princess is a fantastic honor! Carry your tiara well. 💜
I get the "Not everyone can be as good as you..." Or when my Dad says "You and me are more alike than you know..." I'm like whatttt? Does he even know who he's talking to??
@@JeffFinley right!
@ natural selection intervent
You're on the right track!
If you’ve got the cold shoulder that’s a good thing! You don’t have to go out if your way to cut contact- they already have. That’s actually doing you a favour👍🏼.
When I moved out of my toxtic family house I left a letter that amoun other things said, "i know this is selfish of me but I need to be selfish right now." I think for the next few years I took the power of using the word selfish away.
That was beautifully said and beautiful written here! What a great idea - thank you for sharing and kudos to you!
I read something recently that resonated with me: "Being selfish is putting your wants before other people's needs. Self-respect is putting your own needs before other people's wants."
@@DarkLordGanondorf190 Great Point! I am going to hang on to this one, if I may. Thank you for this perspective. Peace
@@DarkLordGanondorf190 this is brilliant! Noted!
Well done!
My mum called me selfish just the other day because she wanted me to give my sister a haircut immediately (just because she asked for it) and I told her that I'd do it after my yoga practice (which I need to get all the trauma she's caused me out of my body) if I'd still have time. She's used the "you used to be so caring and generous, now you're becoming selfish" card, and I told her "right, I am selfish and I own it". She didn't know what to reply to that because she's used to me giving in to her emotional blackmail...thank god I know better now, but I still have a long road before me. Sending healing energy your way.
It's scary how he is quoting all of my family's greatest hits.
Going no contact with my toxic parents the best decision I've maded.
One of your Journaling questions hit me, "What if you gave in?" It would be going back to my assigned role. As an adult, I don't want to go back to what it was. Thank you so much.
Me either.
Same, I'm being tricked to go work and live at home again, just being a walkin-talkin multifunctional tool. Nevermind that the last attempt included my daddy almost drowning me in sea 🤣 didn't happen, he's a changed man lol. I wish my parents entertained themselves. Being a free clown is kinda lame
Assigned role. Wow. That is the most accurate phrasing
I struggle with this.
even against knowing what is real, I still get hit with "what if I'm just crazy"
despite every shred of evidence and experience and every mental note telling and indicating otherwise, just being told non-sense and pressured again and again with these statements -- it just feels like I want to cave in.
but then when I talk to normal people, I'm like, no, I can't fall for that. real life isn't that, it's everything else. stay sane. stay sane. stay away from them.
but I still struggle with self advocacy, turning things into discussions, saying what I want, accepting things from people, and with people who act similiarly where I fold easily and am caught of guard easily. :/ what I'm working on. :/
I have to add another comment-I am 29. I just realized the last year that I was brought up in a super toxic household but always thought because we had a nice home, good education, food on the table, and family vacations that there was no way my family was problematic. Making sense of the dynamics in the family has been so confusing and frustrating and leaves me feeling gross and guilty. This video clarified and validated so much. Been working with a therapist for nearly two years now and have made huge progress in processing all this. But this video…wow. You explain the content with such eloquence and depth. Thank you Patrick.
SAME! The fact that I grew up supposedly “privileged” and never actually got physically beaten (not by my actual parents anyway,) made it almost impossible for me to see that constantly being lied to, gaslit, having zero boundaries, and zero trust in those around me, was actually abuse. I admitted for years that I was neglected, but could never admit to myself that I was abused. It wasn’t until after lockdown and I had been forced to have no contact with my entire family for almost 2 years that I was actually able to see how extremely toxic they behaved, and how much my so called “chemical imbalance” that I was convinced was the source of my depression (since I didn’t suffer any trauma, right?) came back the minute I started communicating with these people again. The gaslighting, the backstabbing, the manipulation, the bizarre ways they treated me and eachother, the constant lies, the gossiping and hatefulness, the extreme ways in which each member of the family members clearly dislike eachother and not only wish ill upon eachother, but actively work against eachother to try to cause eachother harm. And some people getting all of the accolades for very little while others can’t get even an “attaboy!” for great achievements. The list goes on and on. I won’t even get into extended family bringing a child molester to my wedding, sneaking in flasks when I had a dry wedding in order to avoid the drunken insanity of two of my older sisters weddings, my brother showing up in a pirate outfit, my mother taking me aside to congratulate me that “it seems like he ACTUALLY loves you!” (About my husband I had just married,) like it was so shocking that anybody could actually love me. Oh and that’s not even going into my older sister showing up from Dubai where she had been hiding out from several subpoenas against her in the US, and then refusing to respond to my numerous calls to ask if she was going to come to the rehearsal dinner the entire rest of the family was attending, and the numerous calls I made trying to get ahold of her after the wedding, because she was upset that I didn’t make the wedding more about her. Then her apparently screaming at my Mom that I hadn’t sent a thank you card within 2 weeks of my wedding WHILE I WAS STILL ON MY HONEYMOON, to the point that my Mom called me up and instead of congratulating me or asking me how I was doing, my Mom saying in a panic “JUST SEND IT! JUST SEND IT!” where I had to tell her she would get her thank you card in alphabetical order as soon as I got to her name, just like everyone else. But I went ahead and sent hers first anyway. Which put a bad taste in my mouth, and made the rest of the thank you card process traumatizing. This was just one event of many that my family DESTROYED.
@@goodgrief888 I'm currently processing how it could be that I have some form of CPTSD (since I both relate to CPTSD content and also find it helpful to learn about it) when things I experienced were so mild and there were some positives too. But I guess this just teached us that there is so much more to what a human being needs than the physicsl needs and even basic social needs. Our psychological and social needs are actually rather fine-tuned. I grew up never questioning that my immediate family loves me. I never questioned that they want the best for me. My parents are both very self-sacrificial for their children, and even if some messed up traits come into play here, the self sacrifice is driven by love. My parents guided me for big choices but wanted to also respect my choices. So it's really weird to see that these good things can co-exist with really bad things. Not allowing enough boundaries and privacy, excessive anger, instilling guilt and shame, distorting my perception of what is normal and what isn't, what can be expected and what can't, and most importantly what is ok and not ok and what is right and wrong. And that those bad things had a negative effect on me despite also all those good things having a positive effect on me. And it's also weird to me how early childhood was ok, not perfect but quite ok, and rather things gradually and slowly got worse overtime the older I got.
I wonder what you think about this. I also read your comment about how toxicity rises on funerals and how your siblings filled up that vacuum of toxicity your mom left. I wonder why they did?
@@goodgrief888 Wouldnt mind hearing the other events. They never consider how the victim is feeling. It gets to a point where you realize that you can only look out for yourself. They arent gonna just magically change one day.
In the same boat. Sending love and peace your way
@@goodgrief888 my lord. I was reading your story wkth my breath on hold.
All sounds pretty toxic but I never heard of newlyweds sending a Thank you card.
The level this world is toxic to is just beyond belief
What’s puzzling to me is: the whole family see’s and knows I’m the only one away from the family, but yet know one has asked me why? Why am I distant? Why am I so far away? Why don’t I stay in touch? Is it possible of fearing what they may learn? There’s no wizard behind the curtain. Just a lot of smoke, mirrors, emotional abuse and gross mental manipulation. This is crazy making.
My sister used the "you're selfish" button when she discarded me and I believed it for years. Thankfully I've worked past it.
I laughed out loud when you said “they might cut you out of their will” thats exactly what my mom and step dad did to me when i confronted them 😂
I told my brother he can have it all. I went no contact with him and my parents a year ago.
I was trying to set boundaries and have my mother understand. When she told me I was going to regret my words, I basically asked "what? Dad will cut me out of his will? He can keep his dragon hoard, I don't want it. She was flabbergasted and had nothing to say.
My mom just told me they dont have a will “yet”. Theyre 76. This was confirmation that I need to cut losses as it is unfathonable to me as my brother and his wife are narcissists. Im not battling over inheritance with those 2, they can have it.
In my 20s my Dad first threatened to disinherit me for refusing to live my life according to his agenda. I had no money but told him it’s my life and to keep it, then hung up. He’s done this for decades. I’m now retired, he’s in his 90s, and he just did it again. Radical acceptance is required that they never figured out how to influence others with love instead of aggression.
@Rebecca Raab I said the same to my mum. Keep your house keep your child molesting spouse keep your will and keep the mortgage you sold your daughter out for.
They always have to blame a third person for your changes because they could never admit you might have a mind of your own. That's far too threatening to them.
Spot on. My mother has attempted to undo anything she sees me caring about. She does not understand that I can think.
Wow! I felt that.
You might have just saved my life with this comprehensive and incredibly on point discussion of shaming and blaming someone who has tried to completely disengage from a family that I never was able to do. No matter the awful behavior, I never fully believed myself. I have zero family relations left. Thanks for the validation
Find new friends if you haven’t already started. Chosen families are much more wholesome. Heal your inner child otherwise you will choose people just like your family. Keep safe.
Zero birth family, VERY helpful.
My Son and I cut them off. We're alone, it's scary but we're ok mentally better.
Your comment was my thoughts exactly. I have goosebumps. I’m frankly long since numb to the downpour of content on this type of topic and am blown away that this dude right here with this content right here- reached into my reality and gave me a warm and sincere hug.
I thought my older sister was finally getting my mom’s narcissistic abuse but as soon as I went no contact with my mom this sister then revealed her mask as the codependent agent saying I shouldn’t be so hard on mom bc she had a hard life. She even went so far as to start telling my mom I am mentally unstable bc I’m paranoid that everyone is against me once I stopped talking to her as well.
I realized I was suffering trying to get my sister to see my point of view and she never will
My sister is currently doing the same thing
Yes my sister, sides with my parents. and how dare I have a mental health crisis, it may stress dad out, he’s old and it could kill him. Not word for word, but whaat she said to me 😢 when she said that I felt so much shame for just being human. I know now it’s not worth trying to get her to see my perspective
Going through the same with the second oldest.
I totally relate to ALL comments here 😮 ... This is one dark pattern ☠️ .
Your last sentence described my experience perfectly. I nearly killed myself tryong to hold onto her and my nieces. In my opinion, this type of sibling relationship cuts the deepest as they were right by you and saw all the harm and toxcitiy growing up.
My mother is such a game player. You described her to a T🤢. 4 years 5 months not talking. Best decision I have ever made. Stopped Drinking the same day! Quit smoking 2 years on 11/11 because it reminded me of her. I have so much inner child work ahead of me. 🙏 Take care everyone❤️
Michelle. I also cut off family 4-5 months ago. Also stopped smoking 2 weeks ago. Blamed shamed guilt trips gas lighting toxic amnesia etc etc. Learned about there box of tricks. You suddenly realise that all these toxic behaviours are stressing you out, and the energy depletion is so overwhelming. Take time out and you suddenly realise that we are feeding ourselves these toxic pleasures also as a way of coping.Toxicity in any form must be eliminated. Not all at once but step by step. Good look Michelle
@@cursebreaker1188 you are exactly right! Good luck to you, and congratulations on not smoking!
In the middle of a cut off struggling be glad when I'm able to quit smoking and drinking!
@@canduscanty8583 Tell me more. I just had my GC brother phone me off a number I didn't know. Tells me I need help that it's all in my head. He's in prison 14 years for dealing cocaine, 3 years ago his Mrs broke up with him and for 9 months I sat there listening to him night after night and absorbed all the negativity, even when I felt like having a night off the guilt got the better of me and I picked up the phone. Wish I never bothered. You see you can't teach empathy and compassion, you've either got it or you haven't. A week a go my GC cousin popped round to see how I was. Lol. Informant more like. Told me I was reading to much into things. His SG brother hung himself 12 years ago undiagnosed Cptsd. GC brother slept with SG brother girlfriend, entitled prick. Gonna only turn my phone on now between 4-5, I get so fucking angry when they tell me how to think. But that's GC for you. Candis Canty anything you need to share. I'll listen to you. I understand.
8 years 4 months here.
Changed my birth name too. It was the same as my mother's mother. Didn't want that hanging over my head any longer or "honor" the woman who raised that vindictive jealous insecure narc.
Also got rid off every picture she's in.
Turn it over to God because they WILL attempt to destroy you if you're not "loyal" to them!
And move far away!!
Leaving my family's religion opened my eyes to how conditional their love was for me - I was only accepted to the extent I conformed to their expectations of following their religious lifestyle.
So wrong…I’m a religious person. I hope my children will embrace that. But agency is God given, not Parent given.
I experienced similar family behavior after I left their cult. I went no contact after their "soft shunning" juvenile behavior was badly affecting my mental health.
@@cindydowning2141 So wrong...being a religious person does not give you xray vision into the lives of other families or individuals or their "relationship" to god, that is personal and does not require your outside judgement. You have no idea what Mary Monica's experience was or anything about her or her family or the type of people they are, what they said or did. You weren't there.
@@rebeccamartin2399 I meant the family shunning forcing is wrong……not her choice…
@@cindydowning2141 My life began to change as I embraced God. (more joy, more hopefulness, etc..) From my family I got "Ewww....ever since you got religion." It was like I went to the wrong side of the tracks and shamed the family by getting arrested or something! I also got "I can imagine what you are telling them about us." (I had never mentioned anything about my family.)
"You're selfish" has always been the phrase I've heard the most. Because I ran away, had to protect myself. It was "selfish" for me to preserve my life and well being, my sense of self and separation (enmeshed family). Then I got married and had children and I was selfish for putting them first lol. I finally cut off completely. It hurts but I wasn't going to keep the toxic dynamics going anymore.
Your channel is a God send. Thank you!!!! ❤❤
I’ve been shamed for starting a business that made 6-fig revenue in its first 2 years and after one visit from to show them that I made it, they called it a hobby. It doesn’t matter what I do as long as I don’t do better than any of my older siblings. After my father died a lot of this toxic behaviour increased and was more apparent to me that they loved me conditionally and more so when my life is shit. I cut them off a month ago. It is difficult.
different gains, but the same idea. :/
Jealous
I feel you in these. I started my business and thought I was doing great but everyone looks down on it or makes it seem insufficient to the point I can barley mention it. When I tell them I cant come home because I’m wracked up with jobs and I have a responsibility to my clients they ignore me and leave me questioning and feeling Shameful. It doesn’t matter if I try to make it to every holiday except 1. Doesn’t make difference. I’ve dealt with so much unthinkable abuse and criticism they all know it but pretend it never happened. I can forgive and forget now that I’m an adult and because I hope things would change but they still seem to cause chaos in my life talk down on me. Make slighted comments stick up for my dad who had caused a lot of issues. Just before fathers dad he said a lot of nasty things to me. I sent my aunt the screenshots she ignored me texted me 2 days later asking if I’m going to go. I decided not to she’s just as bad as them always made me feel small. Always acts bitter like my real life problems are imaginary. And is still trying to ask me when I’m coming home. They are all toxic she only wants me there because my alcoholic abusive grandfather has been put in the nursing home for never taking care of his diabetes, I feel for him but at the same time my aunt makes all these comments to me when she doesn’t work at all and I found out only went to see him 3 times. I’m sorry I got a lot on my plate with my business but I think it’s sick to shame someone make them feel bad when they know all the abuse they’ve been through, never had a good childhood, even she was abusive and mean when she watched me as a young child. To then turn around and put pressure and make it seem like they do all this. Like maybe if I had no job and had time I could be there. But either way they all condone the multiple trials of abuse put on me and pretend it never happened. It makes me sick when I forgive and explain what’s going on in my life just for her to ignore me leaving me feeling horrible text me 3 days later to see if I’m coming home anytime soon. In the beginning I tried to be kind after all the BS I tried giving money multiple times almost as a way to prove my success then I realized they didn’t really care either way but they were happy to take my money. I’ve witnessed drug abuse & alcohol abuse from my father, mother, grandfather & uncles. But I gotta say my aunt is cold stone sober and can still somehow be the biggest bitch of them all she will pretend to understand me then talk shit behind my back just to please them. The only one that’s sorta caring is my grandmother but she’s been the same way always gaslighted me into excuses for horrible mistreatment. I love her but she seems to only truly care for the people who are toxic.
Well good for you.
My dad, and one of his brothers, their now, late mother are toxic to me.
I didn't even realize that not taking sides is a codependent thing....
That makes a lot of things so much clearer....
I want to do a cutoff but I'm currently unable to because I still have to live with family. I'm currently working towards savand so I can get my own place
Thank you so much for your videos
Definitely, me too same situation
@Self when I was financially dependent on toxic family members, it is really hard. They even tried to sabotoge me and prevent me from being able to move out. Get to a point where you can live independently, be silent and patient while you’re getting to that point, and then you’ll be able to heal once you’re physically away from the toxicity. The hardest thing is not tipping off them to your plans, stick to your guns, and get out as soon as you can
You will get there. Baby steps! I’m 48 and cutting off was the hardest thing I ever did until 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻thank you for this video and WOW THIS IS SO VALUEABLE
@@DavGre Oh goodness, same here! They actively tried to prevent me from finding a new job so that I couldn't move out - and in the same breath, would threaten to throw me out onto the street if I didn't do what they wanted. That was a nightmare I still haven't fully recovered from...
I didn’t know either!! Makes sense !!
All the best on your cut off journey!! X
I can relate wholeheartedly to the abuser being portrayed as the victim as I get accused of the emotional and physical abuse that was done to me.
Yes. They project. Its their sickness. Just run away and block
My mothers friend recently told me I traumatized myself. My mother also told me to apologize. It’s not happening especially because I’m not in the wrong nor feel apologetic. My solution is to say the shit she says to me but that’s not always a great thing to do. Keep your head up, we can do this ! :)
@@kelpjelli my mother also did this. Especially the "you traumatized yourself part".
Letting go and going no contact is best thing
Abuse felt so normal to me, I thought all families were like mine. It's all I ever knew. I did not even realize I had been abused, until I was 30! My mother is still the cruelest person I have ever encountered in my life. To this day, I'm terrified of all mothers. I was born academically gifted and surpassed my older siblings' reading levels by the time I was 5. I wrote plays in primary school and was appearing on TV all the time, winning debates, giving speeches, winning prizes and awards, doing travel presentations about Mauritius, etc.
Then my mother broke me down and my jealous siblings were her gleeful, flying monkeys ganging up against me and destroying the ground of my being. They wrecked my confidence and sense of self so much, I hated myself and felt worthless, ugly, and ashamed for existing. They were going to marry me off to some local, abusive man and finish me off, but I escaped to another country. Dated a narcissist, was repeatedly bullied, got BPD and NPD 'friends' and then realized I had been conditioned to attract such evil users.
I am healing and learning everyday. I never felt beautiful until I moved abroad. And now, strangers tell/show me everyday. I stood up for myself for the first time ever. My evil siblings want me to help them relocate to my new country! LOOOL!!! I'd rather die. They are my relatives, but they are NOT my family.
Omg I felt every word you wrote!! I was nearly 50 before I realized how screwed up they all were and moved away and never looked back. Hell yes! Healing is incredibly hard but it is better than being around such sick people. I am proud of you for leaving them all behind at such a young age! I pray the rest of your life is filled with happiness and joy 🙏🙏🙏
Stay strong. They are jealous. I'm also a victim of jealousy and envy. Being envied by your own family, is a terrible feeling. A feeling of betrayal.
@@karishort1891 THANK YOU SO MUCH. Truly!!!
@@livelife5890 You are absolutely right. It took me a long time to accept that it was jealousy/envy. Thank you.
@@livelife5890 so sad and TRUE!
I’m going through this now. There is still so much guilt when the people around the abuser(s) point the finger at you. It involves so much mental gymnastics and it’s exhausting.
Going through it now also, ❤️ I wish you all the best
So long as you know your truth, avoid them if you can. Life is too short to not be heard and try to work it out, just to be shamed again.
Before I went NC my husband could always tell if I had contact with my toxic mother. I would be angry and crying and questioning my value. In short a mess. After NC my sister tried to guilt me so she’s gone too.
"She's the way she is because of her childhood". Yep i've gotten that one more than once from my dad and brother, it made me feel like the bully for wanting to stand up against the manipulation and smothering that is called "love". "Every family has problems" or "you don't know what dysfunction looks like", "you don't know what gaslighting is"
I had to cut off my entire family. They were completely stuck in all the dysfunction and kept trying to suck me back into it. Definitely got guilted for breaking away and making something of myself. I have a college degree, I got married to my late wife, have 3 amazing kids and a happy, warm, loving home for all. If I stayed with my family growing up, I would have none of this. It’s not selfish to make a healthy life for yourself. It’s selfish abusing and holding back your kids.
My family began to snap at me and ignore me when I wrote a book about Narcissism. I sent them a copy of my book and heard nothing at all as to whether or not they had received it. If they had been loving people they would have wanted to talk about it and even be proud that I had a book published. None of it surprised me but served to solidify in my mind their attitude toward me.
I also wrote a book, except mine was illustrated children's fairy tales. I am the designated loser in the family, so they don't say a word about my book (a lot of effort and money went into producing it) because that would be to acknowledge an achievement.
@@jt5792 I didn't mention my family specifically but gave examples of how narcissists act. It's amazing how someone can be offended by our describing the characteristics of narcissists and be angry instead of saying something like; "wow, I do that."
@@jt5792 Thank you! We are really all one family, the human family, as opposed to the vegetable family.
@@nunyabizness573 Sorry to hear that. I made a short film and have shared it with my friends but not my family... I know they just wouldn't "get it" and so I don't try to seek their approval any more. Best of luck to you, keep writing!!
Sometimes, writing about your experiences can help you heal.
Yes. I am the selfish one, also the too sensitive one. When I call them out on blatant rudeness, "you need to stop being so sensitive ". Cutting people out is very freeing.
You have hit the nail on the head, I began my cut off in early 30, wasn't easy and have heard every line, had to laugh...I'm now 67, my abusers are all now dead but left their abused Adult children and grandchildren reaching out to me because I'm so different using the same lines and it's clear the abuse was passed on...I keep my distance and trust Noone...I have never regretted the decision to walk away...I wish those having to make this decision blessing and stay strong, it's the only way to heal, and yes I was cut out of the will, I received 1dollar and their love🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I went no contact with my narc mother and sister about two years ago, and my niece said but aren't you worried you won't inherit anything. My mother is pretty well off, and I calmly told her to go read the will. The golden child gets it all, and I'm not it. So that was about the last time I talked to her too. She contacted my husband a while ago saying the mother was in a frail care for dementia and I should at least call and talk to her, I owe her that. Oh really? I am now exacting the neglect I suffered as a child. I am very, very "selfish" and it's the best thing I've ever done. Man, I really like these videos. I never realized how severely toxic my family actually is.
Had hope, and gave in many times, came away disappointed and feeling kicked in the gut every time. Don't have to hang with toxic people even if they are family. Relief and freedom with no contact.
Insulted every time. Back handed compliments and criticism for being independent.
@@cindydowning2141 Now, you know you are heading in the right direction.
Yes!
The good ‘ol victim-shaming tactics. Never a good time to address the truth and move forward. They always tidy up the room to look perfect by throwing all the problems in the closet. If you open that closet, they set you on fire so they can keep the ugly side safely hidden away. You want to deal with it, but they get in the way and demand you follow suit. If you try to leave, it gets ugly. If you stay, you can’t keep/have anything.
They blacklist you after you cut them off to take the power away from you. And even if you know what they’re doing, it still triggers those old feelings of abuse and trauma that you have felt from these people after decades of this behavior in childhood and young adulthood. Petty! Yes.
I got the “he wasn’t really abusive since no bones were broken.” I’ve only had chronic nightmares about it for twenty years and had a stomach ache every day of my childhood until I moved away. This groomed me to have abusive relationships throughout my life.
I had chronic stomach aches as well. "The Body Keeps the Score" is an amazing book about trauma in the body.
Almost all of these scenarios have happened to me in my family, and I used to think this was normal. In a couple weeks it will have been 4 years since I went NC with my abusive parents and was then exiled by the rest of my extended family. Having had an amazing trauma therapist, extensive emdr therapy, and just having distance from the chaos, it’s made me see it all for what it was. I still have a lot of healing to go with shame and self doubt, but looking back at the husk of a person they made me I know I’ve done so much.
Good for you! I spent most of my adult life thinking the disfunction was normal.
Well done.
I have been no contact for the past 6 months. I feel both liberated and at times, a bit surprised by the fact that I don't have a family anymore. I am single with no partner or children. My friends are more a family to me now as people I have met in 12 step groups. Thanks so much again for putting words on all the emotions we go through. It is so reassuring and appreciated.
💕 Way to go! This is awesome and inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
I love how you said, “a husk of a person.“ I can totally relate.❤️
Is being ignored as a child abuse? When you're parents didn't speak to you or each other. It certainly felt traumatic.
Yes. That falls under emotional abuse- in some ways worse than direct conflict. It's the removal of love and safety through intentionally ignoring the other.
It's neglect, which is worse than abuse.
@@TestTest-ft9xh idk about worse, but it’s certainly VERY confusing to experience.
It's called childhood emotional neglect. I suffered from that as well. Search UA-cam for that term you should find good info. Childhood emotional neglect can be worse than abuse in some ways because it is invisible, so people don't know or might not believe anything is wrong, which can honestly be even more traumatizing than the neglect itself. My grandma made sure our house had food and the coolest toys, but my mom still either left the house or locked herself away from us almost every hour we were home, never really interacting with us except to make herself feel better for ignoring us. It was never about how we felt. Same with my gramma, she did those things out of her own guilt, if she were really thinking of us she would talk to us, make sure she was emotionally available for us when noticing our mom wasn't. Having food and clothes and nice toys kept anyone from noticing that at home there was no adult around, no one asking about our day. I was raising my siblings. We had no structure or routine at home. Anyway, that's my family, it's just one example of it. Look it up to start trying to heal yourself! It's very helpful
In my world That’s horrid. I know how deeply painful it is as an adult to be ignored, but for a child to be ignored is beyond cruel and abusive!
I've been scapegoated in so many ways, and my family's way of dealing with the massive dysfunction in the family is to stonewall at every turn. They simply won't talk about it Period.
The narcissist, one of his brothers, and their (now) late mother expected me to "have a sense of humor" about the sexual joke the uncle told me. I was 26. It was inappropriate. She enabled him and betrayed me in doing so. Sick people. I am not sick.
They expected me to put up and shut up(not complain, or stand up to them; I did both!)
If a "loved one"wants me to feel like garbage, that says alot.
Uncomfortable proceedure....less Uncomfortable than Feeling Completely Inauthentic and *Unsafe*
Yep. My family took my mothers side and they refused to tell me when and where my cousins funeral was, I just wanted to send flowers to show respect to his wife and children.
My mother also had her flying monkeys call me and cuss me out. My aunt tried to tell me that I didn’t even know my cousin and I had no right to care about the funeral….it was Total gaslighting….My cousin lived with me for a year!! I spent more time with him then any of my cousins!!
I'm going through this. My one sibling defended our toxic mother and cut me off, but not before sending me vile messages. I've explained this to people, but only now, after seeing this video, have I learned that it's a not-uncommon experience for those who change and set boundaries.
I believe I'm pretty much "the whipping boy" for most of my family now. If somebody is angry or frustrated about things in their life they find a negative reason to talk to me and kick me. Having gained mental and physical issues later in life seems to have only made it worse. Years of narcissistic abuse made it a lot harder to stand up for myself. My mind gets so muddled when I'm confronted
I realized my role as the scapegoat in my narcissistic mother lead family. Then when she was hospitalized, the sh*t really came to light. Talk about a huge huge wake up call! When I stepped out of that role as scapegoat, set boundaries and spoke up, I might as well have had horns growing out of my head from their perspective. You are so correct because escaping out of that toxic environment has been the most painful times while being the most freeing moments of my life. Fighting for my soul and well being, had not been easy however it has been worth it 🙏❤
Yes, that awful feeling after getting away from them but at the same time feels great. You're not alone. 💜
@@CarieGurldid you get away ?
@@johnnytsunami3558 We did. My Son begged me to and so we did. It was hard for awhile. They kept trying to harass us, but it finally stopped. We're not going back.
@@CarieGurl did you have everything lined up before moving away ? But glad things are better now !
@@johnnytsunami3558 I was 19 the first time. I moved over 100 miles away but due to crazy circumstances i had to move back decades later.. I got a place of my own many years ago, back here where I grew up and had gotten away from st 19. I now had my Son. I have a place of my own, amen, He's older now and he got tired of being treated in crazy inappropriate ways, a scapegoat by birth, really weird stuff... we just cut them off. They just wouldn't get it for a while... finally they did. As they think they're better than everyone else... they thought, they're not trying to get away from us... It's crazy sick weird stuff. I could go on but I would have to write for a long time to explain how crazy it has been. How about you?
I make more money than my immediate toxic family, I drive a nicer car than my immediate toxic family, I have a nicer/ cleaner house than my immediate toxic family. All of my improved lifestyle isn’t extravagant by any means (I’ve upgraded from ghetto to average) but they still see me improving my life as me declaring that I’m better than them. That having clean clothes and standards for living means I think I’m superior. That I’m a “princess”.
I realized that even when I was a kid with no money living in their dump they said the same thing. It’s not my lifestyle that makes them shame me. There’s nothing I could ever say or do or change that would make them stop. Because they’ve always done it and they always will.
So that makes it not my problem.
You’re a starseed. Just portals to get you here.
Yeah. They cannot stand you having personal boundaries and standing up for them.
Loved when you talked about invalidation from therapists “Maybe your parent is a wounded soul who needs more love.”- if that comes out of a therapists mouth then i dont know what the point of therapy would be at that point!!
It's what almost everyone says when you reveal issues with parents. It's horrible.
I just met a new therapist and surprisingly we have had such similar lives. Her mother was an alcoholic she also cut off. Keep looking for a new therapist until you find the right one.
The hardest part in all this is that we want to be heard. And you're right, there is nothing to work with in these toxic family systems. This video really hit home with me, and the timing was perfect with the holidays approaching. Thank you for making this video. You explain everything in layman's terms so that we can all understand. This video really spoke to me
Wanting badly to be heard was definitely a steady source of info I offered to them to weaponize my desire. No Bueno.
Holidays mean nothing to me because of my family... I just don't take part... Holidays are really unnecessary to me personally, I have felt this way since very young and it has always upset my family...
I remember being a 12 year old boy and my extended family shaming me into becoming the man of the house and helping my abusive mother while they themselves were the actual abled adults in the room... but choosing to always keep a big safe distance from her their little sister...
It's really sad and painful that some of us have to do the cutoff for self preservation and lose a family in the process. But if they are toxic they will slowly wear you down to nothing. You can start a new friend family or your own family away from the toxic people and stop the cycle. My heart goes out to all of us that have to do it. Stay strong and it will get easier. 🖤
When I started working with my trauma therapist towards the later half of last year, he warned me that I would be considered to be the black sheep for breaking from the family norm of dysfuncrion , for talking about issues that should stay within the family, and for endeavoring to stop the cycle of dysfuncfion. I expected it and it did come full circle. Despite the fact that several family members have tried to judge me for my mental health issues, which stem largely from toxic events that I either witnessed and or happened to me. I just so happen to be the first person to seek mental health treatment for depression and it instead of trying to understand what I went through..they immediately try to fix me, to cure me from depression. But the big thing was talking about stuff that should quote on quote stay within the family and not talked avout .
The worst thing I've experienced is being shamed into not forgiving my dad for the horrible things he has done to me and to other members of the family or other people.
Do what’s right and healing for you! I know ppl in my family aren’t ready to forgive the abuser, but his family journey was severe & different from mine, so I get it, and won’t get close to the topic, since it’s out of bounds for the other victim.
Most of the time the deniers enablers and flying monkeys hear any accusation of abuse and will say what abuse you are saying you were abused how dare you!
I have forgiven my Narc Dad but they cannot understand that it’s possible to forgive and choose not to show up for more abuse!
Yes! You aren't alone.
You are only supposed to forgive if they come to you and repent.
You can pardon them and forget them but forgiveness requires repentance which means saying you are sorry and turning away from sin
The Christmas card to a pet thing made my jaw drop because she’s done that! My mum sent a Mother’s Day card from my pets to me as an excuse to break no contact. It was quite effective because to the rest of the family it looks sweet, but I know it for the threat it is because I recognise the pattern and so can see the rapid escalation on the way.
Mine would mail cards/letters from non- neighboring towns and have someone else address the envelopes so I wouldn't recognize the handwriting and would be more likely to open it.
@@granitemoss1451 yes, I’ve developed quite the fear response every time the letterbox moves, every time the phone rings, every knock on the door, because of the number of people willing to enable her because “you only get one mum” or “she’s only doing this because she loves you” etc etc etc….
Oh, that's so classic.
The pet thing really hit me. When I was growing up, we had 3 cats and a dog. One day, I came home from school, in 3rd grade. (Yes, I rode the public transit bus for 40 minutes one way, by myself, because I was trained to do that starting in 2nd grade!) Anyway, came home to find that my dog was missing. My mom told me that he was gone, and to get my homework done and then ready for dinner. Just like that, matter of factly, no emotion. I was devastated. I thought he was lost, and that we should ask the neighbors and go looking for him. My mother wouldn't allow it. She then said, at dinner, that they took him to the pound because he was barking too much and the neighbors didn't like it. Still, how come they do that without telling me?😪 I found out years later that they had taken him to be put to sleep. My God! Who does crap like that?!
Years later, I had my own cat. (Oh, my! I forgot about Harlequin, our wonderful cat, that "somehow" got a rubber band put on her front paw and it had to be amputated. I know who did it. Yep, you guessed it! She's the person who "found" kitty whining and limping.)
Back to my cat, who was poisoned by a landlord. And it devastated me. My mother's response was plain, flat, no emotion. This was a few years ago, and I really have a very difficult time even being in communication with this woman. Strained relationship doesn't even describe it.
Since living in my car, I had asked her if she could store one small tote for me, in her gigantic house. Her answer was that she didn't have any room. 🙄 Unbelievable. But, I am better off not relying on her for anything. I am starting to see just how lucky and blessed I am, to not be in the good graces of my mother and stepfather. I can't even imagine having to live near them, take care of them in their elderly age, and have to endure any more SG, GL, shaming. No, I'll take the email only communication we have and LOVE it!!
Run!
Bro this is isaneeeee I almost screamed in Target listening to this!!! As of May of 2022 I went no contact with allllllll of my family because the manipulation and “loyalty “ tactics that you mentioned here had started to creep into the actions of other family members. It’s crazy how correct you were on a lotttttt of what I’ve been dealing with from the grandmother example of like “why did she just call me after I had that discussion with my mother” or the really big one mentioned of my therapist having the mindset of ohhh it’s time to get over it and forgive. This video was BEYOND validating since having the negative effect post therapy from the recent therapist it has been SOOO HARD to believe myself that up until this point I’ve made the right decisions. It insane how a family’s parasitic like protection of the wrong dooers have fucked with my own needs. Thank you for speaking so detailed on what certain actions really are . THANK YOU
And thank you for your comment. I lived through all the family crap and ended up with an invalidating therapist like you did! Thank God for channels like Patrick’s! I’m 2 years no contact and just that has brought on so much healing!
Yes, this video is BEYOND validating ✨ ... Totally agree ... and tks to you all that have the courage to expose your experiences here 💙 ...
When I left my narc husband, my parents sided with him. They commisserated with him. Very hurtful.
What a bunch of good for nothings. I’m sorry this has happened to you.
Hope you keep well away from them luv
Wow. This answers so many questions I had about my family. My uncle molested me when I was eleven, and I told my favorite aunt, his sister when I was an adult and she said, "Now, why are you telling me that? What am I supposed to do with that? I just told you that I don't listen to gossip and here you come bringing me some." I was stunned, confused, angry...I didn't know what to feel because it was such an odd response and not the normal response I had heard when I confided in people. I wound up apologizing to her! When my grandmother died, I read a poem I had written at her funeral and dedicated it to her husband, my step-granddad. I announced that he had always been there for me and I considered him to be my real granddad and would call him that from now on. At the dinner, my other aunt, who was serving food, told me, "Well, I guess I'm no longer your aunt since you said my brother was no longer your grandfather." It was such a ridiculous leap that I just laughed in her face, but she was serious and she and my other aunt, the one I confided in, stopped speaking to me at the funeral and everyone on that side of the family iced me out for months until I apologized to my bio-granddad for hurting his feelings by saying Wesley was my grandfather, too. I no longer have any of those people in my life and I am much happier. I thought it was so strange how they were all so enmeshed in each other's lives.
I am so sorry you went through that. 🥺
Wow, just wow. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that. The moment she said "I guess I'm not your aunt anymore..." I would've told her "No, I guess you're not, you c*nt" LOL, I'm sorry, I got carried away. It's just enfuriating you had to go through that.
That sounds really tough, and it is surreal when you see the true inner workings of a toxic family system when the enmeshed ones circle the wagons.
Over 6 years after my cutoff, I've changed and learned so much. I never knew my life could be this good. I never knew I could experience such range of emotions and experiences. I went camping last year!!!! Wow!!!!!!!!! I'd never seen the stars before!
Good luck everyone!!! Healing is a long journey but it's so much easier when my abusers are firmly in my past, and never again in my present or future.
Yes, speaking of camping (which brings peace, enjoying the simple pleasures of nature) I was told camping & such activities were a waste of time, not productive & for hippies , wanderers, losers, etc. Guess what? I LOVE it! It balances my stress. Happy Trails!
Just a couple nights ago, I said to a family member that lies were not going to be part of my present or future! It feels so good to decide that. Now, with the help of my therapist and this wonderful LICSW, my inner adult may finally sand a chance to live and enjoy life! Love is what it's all about! Yeah 👍🏼 for camping and living life and loving!
Your post gives me hope. I haven't had communication with my mom and sister since August 2020, I don't have any other family in the U.S., my brother passed 10 years ago, I feel lonely at times. I am married and have two children, I want to focus on being present and being emotionally healthy for the family I've created.
Spot on! My mother says that my abusive grandma loves me, how dare i call her evil and when i come across "really evil" ppl i would regret this
They shame me into silence by saying that to me. Now the entire family says it. My farther was dying, all of them were allowed to go see him, all but me and my daughter. His wife always hated us because my father favored me and my daughter. At the end he was getting weaker and was afraid of her so he went along and told me he didn’t want to see me. I was devastated.
Human beings are the only species on earth who relate to family until death. So much abuse is allowed among families because culturally we’ve been taught family is the center of society and religiously you are thought you must honor and respect your family. However because of these teachings we sometimes allow our families to hurt us, just because they are our family our parents, brothers, sisters, uncles, cousins to the point that it has become culturally unacceptable to reveal or oppose the abuse caused by “ family” members. Thankfully this perception is slowly changing in the age of mental health and we as a society are starting to recognize and accept that is okay to cut ties and set boundaries with a toxic family.
How many co dependent agents claim they're "stuck in the middle" yet they're a major troublemaker always gossiping.
This causes weight gain, sicknesses and fear. These traumas can't be healed overnight. I let them go but still struggling because one of them is my child's father.
Oh my goodness, I am only part way through the video and I already identify with so many things. Yes, I was called "selfish". I remember balling my eyes out after my dad's verbal and emotional abuse toward me and my sister saying, "Well, he will never change, so you just need to deal with it." Through tears, I said, "I can't deal with it!" Yep, my sister has always been the one to "rescue" my dad as the abusive "victim" and somehow I became the "perpetrator." And, my sister always tried to tell me that I can't trust my childhood memories because I was just a child. Ugh. What a mess. Thanks Patrick for untangling some of this mess. O.k...going to watch the rest of the video...
No regrets since I've cut out my older sister 10 yrs ago. She fits this description to a tee and I've never been sorry.
Mine was my younger sister she has been disgusting even phoning my children and friends.....
Patrick, you’re a genius with a HUGE heart! This is so strengthening to hear you tell it EXACTLY as it is.Validation is such a foreign feeling but I recognize the truth when I watch your videos. I’ve so much work to do and you so generously show the way to get it done. Thanks 🙏
@@LP-jn4tw EXACTLY
"any progress in my therapy would be gone anytime I interact with my dysfunctional family."
Nobody wants to acknowledge the dysfunction because that means that family members have to admit that they made mistakes and didn't do things correctly when it comes to parenting. And instead of sayinf, I made a mistake, it turned into, well, so and so dis xyz to me..passing the blame and their is no acceptance and or ownership.
I still talk to my brothers who acknowledge the abuse but continue relationships with our abusive mother. I always worry they are feeding her info
I will be careful to be around people who still have a relationship with my abuser. Very careful.
They are.
Have you been spying on my family?!
I dont feel shame, i feel anger for being abused.
Ahhhh wow, straight on the money. I cut off my abusive father a year and a half ago, and no regrets despite how difficult it was initially. My mother took his side as usual, and claims he had a traumatic childhood and he did his best.
I tried to maintain a relationship with my mother, but she was so combative, and gaslighting. Even when I was still talking to her, she ghosted me on my birthday as retribution. After that we haven’t spoke in nearly 9 months, because I know she did it to get back at me. I’m not willing to talk to people who abused me, and are the reason I have c-ptsd.
Cutting them off, was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Now I’m in recovery from substance abuse as well, and my life could not be more different. No regrets, and some gratitude for once 🙃
hi patrick, thanks again for a great video. lost my partner to suicide in 2018 and this was such a key thing he dealt with in his daily life- the better he got in my life, more he changed, the more they harassed him and cut him off/ghosted him.. just before he passed. watching this video made me cry. wish i could show him. hope everyone is well
I’m so sorry.
My little brother tried to shame and blame me for my abusive mother's behavior. I hung up on him and have not spoken to him since (3-4 months now).
I was basically left to raise my siblings from a very young age, 6-7 years old while Mom stayed in bed for the most part, and two of my three siblings still resent me for it even though we are all in our mid-late twenties.
I haven't spoken to Mom in 6-7 years.
After my parents divorced I was made the mom in my childhood family. My big brother still throws his tantrums on me. Im a mom to my mom, and i was a target for my father's misogynism. Almost two and a half years of no contact. They never grew up but I did. I love to be grown up! Good for you that you left behind that lot!
My family always uses the “she’s your sister and loves you, you know that right?” When I bring up abusive and manipulative behavior of family members
They just don't have a clue. It's unreal.
The day my Narcissistic Mother died, I told my neighbor "I'm free‼" She didn't understand what I said because she had a beautiful relationship with her mother. Only those who know, know💯