Why Are They Threatened by Your Emotions?
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- Why Are They Threatened by Your Emotions?
I wanted to put together a video on a profile on what I believe
is someone who went through childhood trauma.
Yes, the person can seem narcissistic but that is not the issue
for everyone, someone like this can possibly grow out of it but
they are hard to engage in therapy.
The video is about education ourselves to see clearer about
what someone like this could possibly be acting out from and
that they might be just as triggered as another survivor but
refuses to see it.
As always, I try not to be absolute on things so, this does
not mean that a person should 100% available to another
person's emotions.
There is a very common presentation in couples to have one
person being overly emotional and the other having an extreme
aversion to emotion like I've laid out in the video.
In short, see them as triggered but not an authority on your
feelings and how you should process them. It may also be
helpful to ask why you keep trying to seek validation from
someone like this.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:17 Qualities if this Trauma Survivor
3:25 Why They Struggle | My Two Theories
6:47 Recognize Others Triggers
8:08 Final Thoughts
8:44 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
It's a defense mechanism. They don't know how to handle their own emotions so they can't handle yours.
Oh yes!
Yes. I see it strongest in two emotions, anger and love. Most people have a really hard time seeing those expressed in others.
100%
Yes!!!!!!
Spot on. Like my sister? Oh yeah. She avoids dealing with her emotions.
You just described my mom and dad. I cry, I get shamed. I get angry, I get punished. I’m not allowed to have any emotions. Very, very unhealthy!
Young lady...go to your room now!...(punishment for YT comments)
I am proud of an accomplishment, they crush my dreams (great, but the bad news is that now ...; great, but your teachers hands out high grades easily; great, but ...)
Yeah be a Robot, execute orders and have none of your own thoughts or ideas.
@@oompaloompa9139 I will reply as soon as my dad tells me what to say...he's waiting for my mom to tell him what to tell me.....
@@primalway1317 lol sounds exactly like my family
This is my dad. The day I was learning to ride a bike with no training wheels, I fell off, and grazed my knee. I was crying and I remember feeling that a hug from my dad would be enough to encourge me to try again. But he walked away, leaving me crying on the ground.
When I was 19, I told my parents that a cousin tried to molest me when I was 7. My dad's reaction was to turn the tv on.
I definitely struggle with feeling unloveable, and not good enough.
I’m sorry that happened to you. The secrecy and denial in families around sexual trauma is devastating and perpetuates generational sickness. I hope you get lots of hugs now. You deserve all the hugs ❤️
You are good enough It must hurt that they dismissed you pain and trauma like that. You deserve to be seen and heard and feel safe in that and validated.
Turning the tv on or the stereo volume up when I am talking or in response to me is an instant rage trigger. Sorry that happened. I am (inappropriately) mad at your dad now.🤬😉
Most parents I know should have been sterilized at age 12. That's why I never tried it
I hear you. That's really sad. Hugs, TJ
You just described my dismissive-avoidant mom. She thinks that my emotions are an attack on her because she has ignored hers for so many years (because she wasn't seen or listened to in childhood) when I have emotions it reminds her that she has emotions too and makes her uncomfortable so she shuts it down.
That’s my mama!
If a parent is triggered by their kids emotions then they basically are useless because they are like big kids who the kids can't lean on or trust to be their rock
This is also my mother. She enters a depressed state when others emotions are involved; for me, it always appeared to be coming from a self centered point of view but I've come to understand she is also a trauma victim, and have forgiven hers and my father's ignorance while raising me.
For a quick example, one of her sisters were discussing the heartache of her own child's toxic situation and my mother said, "oh my God, can we stop talking about this?" then she later took off without telling anyone. My mother has a difficult time listening to others and always dispenses advice for exactly how you have to handle whatever, but then gets angry with you if you don't follow it. She treats others as giving her opinion is active listening and supportive of their situation.
Same with my mom. She has schizophrenia and likes to go off meds sometimes. I got yelled at for stressing her out with my emotions.
My former friend used to say, when I was approaching for emotional support: "shame on you complaining about this when other people have nothing to eat " or something like this ...and this way I felt like I was shut down.
Yes, over and over I have heard married people say about singles and people with no children "she/he has only herself/himself to take care of". They are free and clear. That same single person may have spent his/her like taking care of ill people and had big financial burden doing so. Please, find supportive people and let go of toxic people who make comments like this. God bless you.
My mom used to say to me, too-that there are kids in Ethiopia who don't have anything to eat. I would also shut down. It's awful.
@@yasminhabibti721 It is awful and dismissive of your feelings. I think people say these things to get rid of you and make you feel "grateful" for things. But it's not loving or caring way....
I learned through painful experience to first ask them if they had the time to listen, and to articulate what I wanted from them: I need a sympathetic ear, I want no advice, I am confused and can't make sense of this, can you say it back to me, etc. That way I did not impose on someone having a bad day already, or someone distracted or busy.
@@margaretohara7250 I sure do understand that. I had way too many 'friendships' that were not reciprocal, where I would be there for others. I follow the Crappy Childhood Fairy's advice these days.
I dated someone who would become enraged that scary movies would...scare me. He would try to "train" me to be totally stoic while watching blatantly violence scenes (murder! dismemberment!). He'd also totally dismiss me as playing the "victim" when I would get overwhelmed by the challenges of living abroad with him -- diminishing my struggle to learn a new language and integrate into a different culture. In his mind, I was overly emotional and his objective was to coach me into being happy-go-lucky all the time like him. Eventually, I came to realize that he was completely emotionally stunted. He allowed himself to feel nothing except unadulterated happiness...and had zero tolerance for anyone else's more complex range of emotions. Au revoir!!!
my ex best friend did the same thing!!! she disrespected me because I didn't want to hear about it view horror related or overly sexually explicit things. I'm really thankful I was brought out of that "friendship"
My ex would say that my feelings were "allowed" only if a situation could justify them completely (ie. if HE thought a situation was 'worth' the anger, sadness etc). He used to say I'm manipulating him so that he will comfort me when I'm crying. He also said I was "making up scenarios in my head" and "living in an imaginary world" and that "the situation wasn't as bad as I thought it was", ergo, no emotions allowed. I cried once because my cat was really sick, my father died months prior and my grandma was dying with cancer - he said I was playing the "victim card" again...
Over a yeat later I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling.
best decision of my life to leave him.
@@gianasantarossa8018 My ex friend did the same thing!
@@gianasantarossa8018 and when you dont show emotion, ya get "your disengaged/too distant" or "not interested".
I can believe it. My x considered me lazy if I was tired when he wasn't, hyper if I wasn't tired when he *was* . Same with food, If I was hungry when he wasn't I was ''greedy''. If I didn't want to eat steak with him I had an eating disorder. My weight was fine. My energy levels were fine. I was completely fine but he couldn't grasp that I could be energetic or hungry on my own schedule. wow. when I look back on his level of insanity, wow wow wow.
I learned that emotions are facts -they can't be denied, my ex wanted to deny them constantly.
@Shell C. well yeah that’s also true
But it’s also important to treat your feelings as facts sometimes
I would put it this way feelings are not "facts", in the sense that they're telling you the truth about reality. Feelings are unique to each person so maybe not a great arbiter of universal truth--however everyone's feelings are valid in the sense that you are allowed to have them.
@Shell C. the fact that you are feeling them is true, regardless of whether they're "reasonable" emotions based on the situation. yes "i feel angry at this person for doing this" is different to "what the person did was bad or warrants me acting poorly towards them", but the fact that you feel angry about it is true and shouldn't be ignored/denied
It's a fact that you feel emotions, but often, emotions don't represent external realities. When people conflate emotions and external realities, as if they are the same, they can come to a false conclusion that does a great deal of harm.
@Shell C. I believe they meant that emotions are real and should not be ignored. That they matter and we should feel and express them.
This was like an epiphany about a family member that gets angry about me being emotional and wants me to toughen up. They litterly told me that validation is for babies. They won't even hug me.
Wow. Yes. My mum gets ANGRY when I try to connect with her. Then she stonewalls me with silence.
My brother has this issue. One of his ex girlfriends found her mum dead when she was a young child. Behind her back, he said to me "She's in her 30 now. She should be over it" 😱
Wtf!
Has anyone explained to your sibling that severe traumas can impact a person for Life? Does your sibling know what horrible thing it means to have no empathy?
What a cruel thing to say! One never gets over something like that; one does learn to cope, but you never get *over* it.
Who gets over losing a parent, anyway? Holy crap :/
I have an older sister who emotionally abused me all my life. She went out of her way to find things to accuse me of, knowing full well if she took things she accused me of to my parents, I would be beaten by my Dad. She would get great satisfaction if it resulted in it. This happened between us from as far back as I could remember in my childhood. I grew up, married and became pregnant. She had fertility issues and during the whole time I was pregnant she insulted me and made remarks that I looked like Budda. She asked if she rubbed my belly would it bring her luck. Of course everyone who heard it got a good laugh over it. The years passed and it continued, and so did my resentment of her. She finally had one son and claimed to have female issues which resorted in her gaving a hysterectomy. I had two more children all 3 of mine were girls. Of course, I failed to have a son.. like I had anything to do with the sex of my children. She doted on & adored her son as any mother would. However her distain for me rubbed off on her son, even though I wasn't around him that frequently at all. It was just very evident he didn't want to be around me. Very obvious things I won't get into. I won't continue to ramble.. I'm normally a very compassionate person, however when my sisters only son died at 30 from an undiagnosed heart condition.. I found myself feeling no sympathy for my sister. Totally unlike me ! I actually felt that it was Karma visiting her. To this day, she grieves for her son as if he passed away hours ago. I have to continue to remind myself how I would be devestated losing one of my children so suddenly. So when one questions WTF regarding such unsympathetic and preconceived heartlessness.. there might be underlying things that causes it. I don't have any such unsympathic reaction such as these for others in simular situations.. only her..just saying.
Sometimes if you can open your heart to another person’s pain.
When you offer a moment of validation you make that loss become less painful.
This will always stand out to me. A senior in my school that was older than me, I was only in eighth grade, killed himself as a protest to the Vietnam war.
He was really popular in school and when I came home from school, I said, “it is really sad about Paul.”
As usual, my mother did not even look me in the eye when I spoke, or even look my direction.
All she did was snarl, “Well, he was just a kid.”
Like his life was worth nothing.
I can think of so many examples of that type of detached behavior from my mother.
Many years after Paul died, I saw the study in a textbook about the Rhesus monkey clinging to the wire figure, clinging to it as its mother figure, I immediately wept.
I understood all too well
I am sorry. Your mother apparently was very disconnected from her emotions. That made have been very painful for you. Hugs 💗
Omg can you imagine asking that person real-time, What is so dangerous for you about me opening up to you about my emotions right now? Just because you don’t think you can swim in the deep end, please don’t tell me not to go over to the deep end of the pool, even for a minute. I can swim!! I’ve been practicing for years!! In fact, please, watch me!! Watch me jump in and swim back to the shallow end and come out fine!! So strong! Some can’t do it, OK. Some can’t even bear to watch others do it in their presence. They can’t stand it - it’s an aversion. Why? Denial? Shame? Guilt? We will never know because they repress it all so hard. THAT is NOT “toughness.” That’s just gross and weird. Letting crap grow in your fridge and never cleaning it out is not “tough,” it’s sick and unhealthy. Getting in there and facing the gross stuff and keeping what’s good and throwing out what’s bad - THAT is TOUGH.
Spot on!! 👍
Thank you. My friend needs alot of cleaning it just won't get clean. Makes me want to hurt myself
YES! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
@@scooterbob1408 Please don’t hurt yourself because of your friend’s inability!! It has nothing to do with you!
Love these metaphors
I know someone who feels threatened by emotions (great way of putting it). With them I feel it's not about perceived weakness. Their reaction feels like "Ugh, you're getting all emotional and I don't know how to deal with that and it's annoying that you're making me think about how to react and it's putting me under a lot of emotional stress myself, so could you please knock it off maybe?"
It's highly frustrating, especially when you are in the habit of always thinking about other people's feelings and merely wanted for your own feelings to be acknowledged for a change.
This is literally my mom 💀 ive stopped trying to connect /talk to her years ago & yet she acts like IM the problem. Like it’s my fault that I don’t want to talk with her. Guilt tripping me & trying to make me feel like an awful person just bc I don’t want to be triggered & have my emotions dismissed & shot down.
My mom does a similar thing, I have not talked to her in over a year but occasionally receive emails shaming/blaming me for "ruining her life" and "being a horrible child". It hurts and it's hard not to give in to my own shame about it - the truth is she only sees how my actions affect her and not how any of her actions have affected me (which is greatly!). I wish you healing on your journey.
That's *scapegoating. Sounds like ya'll have narcissistic parents. Hopefully, you're watching more videos on this channel about narcissism and narcissistic parents. There's one, called "Is There Cheap Intimacy In Your Family?" that is also very good.
Yes, and I’ve recently been given a new label as one who cannot talk about difficult things. 🙄 It is a MF to figure out.
i know this is a year old comment but my brother did the same to me, I grew up being called a baby whenever something made me cry even if he hurt me in some fashion
He also called me Satan, and one time called me a monster because I was sad he gave my cat away to his friend
Currently dealing with this. I want to disconnect but she’s got a choke hold on me it feels like
I'm watching this over and over because it's hitting the mark. I was in a years-long relationship with someone exactly like this. It was so extreme that on the rare occasion I was sick, he would completely ignore me, and once when I fell down while hiking on a rocky shoreline, cut my leg, and cried in pain, he flew into a rage. Communication about anything other than rainbows and unicorns was off-limits. So exhausting and deflating. His aversion to self-reflection or therapy means no one will ever know WHY he is this way.
Yes - the aversion to therapy, that should have been a massive red flag for me, in fact it definitely made me end the relationship eventually but it took me 7 years to get there!
@@losingmychic haha same, 7 years! freer and more self aware, feeling kinda sorry for him being so blocked
This is my husband. I was severely sick in bed and asking for his help. I was dying. He never helped me. I had to ask for friends help to come over and help me. He is a doctor. I was sick for 17 years, and he never did anything.
You are such a gifted therapist ❤️
Jes Justice...He certainly is gifted!! Love his work!
Everyone has triggers, that makes sense.Listening to your empathetic, logical breakdown of these issues has brought me so much relief. THANK YOU 🙏
Totally 💯 I love watching each and every video it’s full of so much insight and information.
I tell people he is a gift from God 🥰💖 sorry if that triggers somebody w religious trauma but I am very religious xx
Yes, he is exceptionally insightful, for one thing. I am impressed.
This is me. Currently in therapy to help fix it. Deep down I really care when people are hurting but it's like I have a hard time coming up with the right thing to say. I worry about saying the wrong thing and making it worse, and I get triggered and annoyed because as a kid I was the emotional support for my alcoholic narc dad, and a bunch of toxic family members. With all of them confiding their adult problems to me there was never much room for my emotions. If I was upset and tried to seek comfort I'd either get dismissed, guilted or yelled at for being upset. I ended up keeping alot of heavy stuff inside and handling alot of things on my own in private. I thank for posting this video to help explain this thing. Seeing your videos helps me put words to my inner experience to my therapist. Youre doing a great job.
Thank you for commenting, I was listening to the video thinking "this sounds just like me". I had a similar experience in childhood. Hope you are making progress and doing well ❤️🩹
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your side ❤️ rooting for you friend
This is also me and thanks for sharing.
Came here and commented something similar! So thankful to see I’m not the only one. I care so much but can be poor at relaying it. I get extremely triggered and it’s like my mind shuts down and can’t process that it’s not a fight or flight response type situation.
You’re not alone - it’s not our fault but it is now our responsibility. Keep at it
"The last thing they want to do is be available for your emotions." Yes, that describes my Narc parents pretty well.
It sounds like you're talking about dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment styles. Ime, a family of origin with a shallow emotional life is right on target. Upsetting things are never talked about and are ignored at home. Often, these people use unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid facing emotions or being too intimately involved with others, like alcohol or workaholism.
No one was allowed to "rock the boat" with truth, children were warned against it, subjects were taboo, truth was taboo, family crimes did not get talked about or dealt with, which also meant that the perpetrators were not corrected, and certainly were not turned over to the Law. They were given a pass as if they had never committed those crimes. It seems like these people were the weakest in the world, refusing to speak of or deal with the truth.
I think you’re right about that dismissive avoidant personality.
My mom did this weird thing of pretending she couldn't hear me whenever I brought up touchy subjects. Like that one time I was walking with her on a quiet stretch of field path. I specifically went on that walk with her to tell her about my problems at school, not having any friends and constantly being bullied, I had to gather all my courage to open up to her, but I did.
Her response was "That house down the road looks pretty interesting".
Then I got mad at her for not listening, and then she got mad at me for getting mad at her.
I still love her, and I don't think it was abusive behaviour, but it still made me shut down. To this day I have a hard time sharing my feelings with anyone because a voice in my head keeps telling me that my emotions are not valid, or not important enough.
Sounds like abusive behaviour to me. If someone completely ignores something you bring up that is bothering you, by changing the subject, that’s abuse. She might be a totally emotionally stunted person, still it doesn’t excuse that she’s not done the work on that herself so that she could actually be present for you.
Yeah that is abusive. Abuse doesn’t have to be screaming and hitting.
My mother did the same thing. If I had something I needed to talk about she’d try to distract me by talking about something superficial. Her mother was like that too. Long line of emotionally repressed people.
@@akashaloveagree 💯..
@@abigailkendrick 🥲yes - world is full of them. My family too
My father was violent, bullying and shaming if I dìsplayed any emotions. Crying earned a hard slap.
Anger made him even worse.
By the time I was 18, I was totally numb. I could have witnessed a murder with no reaction.
It has taken years for me to "have feelings".
This is my mum.. She has always responded exactly like this. She had a strange and traumatic childhood and, as she said, she's put a lid on it. Of course, she hasn't. Those emotions spill out all the same. This was very helpful.
Unfortunately, this is my mother. She’s in her 70’s, so no hope for healing/changing. I’m glad I’m on my healing journey, though.
Same. My mom is just like this and the same age as yours. Sorry you went through this - I know how you must feel. I'm glad to be on this journey to healing too. All the best to you!
It was mine too. Helps to understand
My mother is 87, it doesn’t get better with age.
My mom is this way too and in her 70’s! I also try to be grateful for my own openness to facing my faults and others’, in my efforts to heal and grow.
Same. And after two major head injuries it’s worse. I haven’t spoken with her since November 2018 I think. My life’s never been better lol
Before I actually knew that my friend was a narcissist, I confided in her one day that I had been doing a lot of grappling with the fact that I had realized that was mother was an emotionally-abusive narcissist. My friend then responded to me, “Do you just think about that all day long?” Naturally, I was taken aback by her rude response, but I just shoved it under the rug at the time. Several months later, she let her narcissistic mask slip and did a full-on devaluation. I went no contact immediately. 💪
Emotionally stunted individuals who lack basic communication skills and have ZERO empathy.
How odd. I’m actually both of these people. I like to open up emotionally, and can be there for people, but I can also have a “suck it up” mentality sometimes, with others and myself. I came from a family with an extremely narcissistic father and a mother who couldn’t handle emotions.
I’m so glad I’ve found your videos. I think they’re going to help me a lot.
I really appreciated your comment. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to see what’s going on inside and do the work to learn, grow abs heal. Great job and best wishes on your path.
I have had a similar connection to this video. My mom is still playing the victim card and she is 76. She use to manipulate us and tell my brother and I that one day we wouldn’t have her. That she was getting g sick because he gave her so many problems so on.
For me it is sometime difficult to be emotionally supportive to other especially my husband. He complains about his childhood and his ex wife.
I try to listen and tell him to forgive and try to move on.
I also tend not be to be very empathetic towards myself. I think I should be grateful because there is always others who have had it worse.
tbh same, but that's mostly from trying to reach out before and being belittled for feeling bad, not having people in general, or people not knowing what to do (plus I'm still kinda poor so yikes, still can't afford help), kinda sucks but it's nice to now have more people irl (and resources) that helps me be more aware of situations like this
@@lindagonzalez435 that doesn’t sound like a very good situation to be in. I’m sorry that you have to hear such horrible things
@@qazplm3845 thank you. I have recently stopped talking to her after a few conversations and she won’t change, I forgive her, but refuse to continue the abuse.
Boy, does this sound like my mother! She had to be “strong,” whatever that meant. She couldn’t handle my so-called negative emotions, especially when I was angry.
“Strong” I.e. repressed...
@@penyarol83 Yep! And she couldn’t handle my emotions because she couldn’t handle her own.
@@penyarol83 🤔
@@penyarol83 cant there be another option of 'not feeling any strong emotions, atm' type of person? well im just wondering, truly
Same!!
Well described! I have met way too many emotionally stunted people in my life when I have tried to find emotional support or validation.
A healthy parent should be available mentally and emotionally to their own children. They should be able to connect to their kids and at least tell them they love them at least one time or hug them or touch them show they even care. Nope. Anything less is extremely hurtful and damaging for a lifetime.
Yep. Emotional unavailability can kill. It’s not a valid way for a parent to be. You are not really being a parent if you are emotionally unavailable. Ergo, your child is an orphan.
In my experience, they were allowed to express any and every emotion, mostly highly negative (usually anger), and carry out the worst of it upon me, conveniently forgetting that they did this in the first place, but yet I was not allowed to express even one and was even conditioned to be un-emotional. What is that? Whatever it was, it was severely damaging to my emotional connection with and emotional understanding of myself (i.e. a complete disconnect with my emotions) and it will take countless years to recover fully from it all, at least according to my therapist.
I'm in the same boat. As the scapegoat, they dumped all their stuff on me. Then I couldn't react, I just had to take it or they'd give me something to cry about. My little brother got presents on my birthday, but I should know better and stop being selfish. He would destroy my room when I beat him at card games... their response? Clean your room! They're all dead except my brother and besides my mom, I don't miss them at all. My brother is on his own for the first in his life and it's not going well...
I'm happy you are capable of having therapy. My husband is like this, and it is very lonely and empty to live with him. I believe he will never do therapy. I wish you a full recovery and a full life of connection with people.
The most difficult thing to do is to stop wanting my mom to my mom when she desperately wants me to be her mom. Then when I want to express anything uncomfortable for her about my childhood, she blows up in a victim tantrum rage. And I am just stunned with her reaction and the fact that I’ve ALWAYS had to protect her emotions with my silence. It’s wild.
Yup! Sounds just like my narcissistic dad. He can swan around the house crowing on and on about how depressed and upset he is and how he has a right to voice his feelings but we can’t dare express even a modicum of emotion without him jumping down our throats. A total hypocrite.
I feel like you describe me.
I am at a point where I am aware of the issue and working on it (through accepting-and connecting with-my own strong emotions, and learning to accept and "forgive" them in others, instead of systematically shutting them off), but it's very challenging. So much bubbles up in the heat of the moment, it's not thoughts, just the raw energy of emotion, so it's really hard to keep my head in the moment and deal with the hurt feelings, instead of trying to take a pseudo-"rational" distance (i.e. cutting out the emotional reality, paring down to the bare, senseless facts) to avoid getting over-triggered myself.
I grew up in a rather emotionally stunted family. Though there was affection, the expression of it was often misguided. My parents largely left me to my own devices, the same way they had been emotionally abandoned, and either explained away my hurts with "rational" (and often off-the-mark) advice, or just told me to toughen up and ignore the hurt entirely (yeah, this "coaching" thing of "just be like me"). I guess their intent was to prepare me for a world of toughness, but instead they eventually made me scared and avoidant of everything. Incidentally, because I was raised to behave calm and grown-up, they'd sometimes dump on me or blow up, and my only option was to take it. If I fought back, if I tried to preserve my peace or even share my point of view, I'd be called a bad daughter, I'd be shamed for not letting them use me as a punching bag or a therapist. I have trouble being truly vulnerable because I associate it with bad stuff (shame, bullying, abandonment), not welcome and support.
(I can't help crying even in front of others, I tear up embarrassingly easily; but I avoid actually talking and explaining myself, I just shut down, avoid, and disappear)
More recently I started trying to be more assertive, but typically this emotional work takes a pendulum-like motion: in order to compensate for all previous frustrations, one goes overboard in the other direction. So in a situation of conflict I'm not just assertive, I effectually refuse to face somebody else's experience (translated in their emotions, body language, etc). I just want peace, I want emotions kept at the bare minimum to troubleshoot factual issues. I don't have the confidence that I'll be able to stand my ground if their tempest starts blowing my way.
In my case I see it as a necessary step for learning to listen to myself, validate myself, and eventually grow more rooted in me. I certainly hope to reach a point of maturity where someone else's turmoil doesn't have to feel threatening, where I can sympathize with someone without feeling sucked dry, where conflict isn't so scary anymore, to have cleared a sort of "eye of the storm" in my soul. Where I can stand firm in my own circle of responsibility, being open and sensitive, without letting anyone intrude; and reaching out to support, without overextending myself.
But I am aware (because of the example of my parents, among others) that many people stay stuck at this defensive stage, and that they can only budge of their own accord, in their own time-if ever. I only hope to break the cycle, and exemplify this betterment to the people that come in contact with me.
I have lived with a mother and siblings who refused to acknowledge my traumatic injury as a 12 year old. I was unable to acknowledge what happened to me because I would be rejected and made fun of. Once, I mentioned to my mother this event's anniversary and she made fun of me and dismissed me entirely. I decided to acknowledge my MOTHER's terror that day and how horrible that day was for her and she immediately said, "Yes," and then proceeded to talk about how horrible that day was for HER. In this way I was able to get my own trauma recognized. Also, when my own children were little and I was leaving my children with my mother to watch, I asked her to move her car out of her yard so the children could play safely and my mother dismissed me and refused and understood it was about my own injury and invalidated me. I then said that I would take my children back home and took my children and then my mother backed off and moved the car. My mother has had a huge emotional block to acknowledge and sympathize and comfort my real trauma which forced me to grow up reliving my trauma over and over and over. I did get diagnosed with PTSD at 50! I did have 5 years of outpatient psychiatric care that helped me. I can see how my mom refused to acknowledge my strong emotions and needs and connect this to my grandfather, her father, with such powerful emotions, and how my mother came to cope with her own father. None of my siblings were ever able to have empathy for my injury but I don't need them to anymore. I empathize with my own reality.
As long as you make the most of forgiveness, understanding & redirecting negative thoughts to more of a energy that makes ur life better more serene..f them you make your own family who do care and r there
Nice work!
I'm so sorry that your trauma was never acknowledged. I'm a stranger on the internet but let me say, I'm sorry you were hurt and that it wasn't recognized. I hope you continue to receive healing and comfort for this old wound. 💜
@@sparklylittlechicken Thank you for your kindness and empathy. I believe that I have really healed.
My mother denied until the day she died that her uncle molested me... looking back now she was probably a victim as well...but according her IT NEVER HAPPENED...what six year old makes that up???
And they say things like “stop being so sensitive”, oh yeah… that’s a favorite line.
You just described my sister.
In my family (my husband, and with my kids) I refuse to allow the cycle of toxicity to continue. My husband and I left our toxic families and moved to Japan. We are healing together and being more than just our traumas for our children. It’s shocking how much abuse he went through, and how much I endured.
Neither of us wanted any of that toxic nonsense to be around us (or our children)while we healed or get in the way of how we raised our children in a healthy, loving environment.
Thanks for these videos.
You just described my ex to a T. He always perceived my emotions as weak, and me crying as embarrassing. He had no interest in therapy, despite having a VERY traumatic childhood, and was emotionally unavailable.
The thing about being an audience for your parent's emotions, I used to get trapped riding in a car with a parent that liked to use that time to vent about everything but was not ever allowed to do the same.
your theory about an the origin of an emotionally detached person being an emotionally needing parent is right. i’m a case study. it affects me because i feel most problems can be handled alone, and that people with negative emotions usually have victim mentality. i choose not to connect to my empathy because my heart feels drained if i’m caring. it’s extremely tiring. i’m working on my stuff.
I came here trying to figure out more about one of my parents and turned out you ended up describing me lol.
Such a good video. Oh my WORD!!!! It has sparked so many thoughts.
“What is so dangerous for this person about your emotions?”
It’s a tough dance when you already feel like you are are “too much” and then encounter someone who has their own trauma and they invalidate you by well-meaning, (often) unintentionally malicious words like, “Oh it’s not that bad” ... maybe to make THEMSELVES feel better? Or that if they acknowledge your emotions, you may unravel and then what do we do?
Part of my healing has been observing my kids. I go through endless BandAids and tubes of arnica cream, acknowledging their owies because most of them are a cry from the heart, not an invisible scratch on the knee.
I SEE YOU.
I CAN SEE THIS IS HARD.
HOW. CAN I HELP?
They are regulated within minutes.
“Oh it’s not that bad.”
“Boys don’t cry”
“You are crying for nothing”
“Pull yourself together.”
It actually makes the crying and emotions escalate.
We have come a long with with navigating the mystery and wonder of human emotions. What a relief! There is hope! Thank you for channels like these!
I like this ..lovely comment 😀
“I see you.
I can see this is hard.
How can I help?”
Thank you for my new mantra as I re-parent myself
I remember the very first time my mom said "it's a long way from your heart" when I had hurt myself. I was so confused, she said it meant it's not that bad. But when she said that, it hurt my heart. And it never stopped. She was never empathetic after that moment.
@@ohcar0line ❤️️
Thank you for making this comment❤️
They cause the emotions and then get angry when you confront them! I lived this for 25 years.
You just described my dad. He has zero desire to help his children process the trauma of our childhood growing up around my mom's addictions and untreated mental illness.
You are correct! I was a single mom and my daughter worried about me when I cried about money, loneliness and longing for adult connection. I didn’t go into detail with her, yet, I cried and she wiped my tears once with a tissue. Now, she is just as you are explaining, emotionally distant. She is 38 yrs old now and I’m working on my issues to take care of myself so she feels no need to take care of me on any emotional level. Showing her by example that healing is possible. I am thriving now and setting boundaries with others like never before. Looking at my stuff, apologizing to her as well.
Update: It’s been almost 3 years since I posted the above post. My daughter invited me to Disneyland with her and my 2 grandchildren. We have healed our relationship and we now have deep conversations where I listen to her. I don’t give her advice, instead I reassure her that she is strong and that no matter what, I believe in her. I love the relationship she and I have healed together.
#goodmom!!!
I wish you and your daughter healing!
Children get very worried when their adult parent cries and sobs. They don't know how to handle it, they're just children, it can be frightening to them, destabilizing. It's too much for a child.
That takes courage. I commend you for doing your work. Keep going. Best wishes of healing and love.
@@MaeDay_7717 Thank you for your encouragement. It has been a couple of years of continuous healing and my daughter is now in a very healthy relationship. I feel the generational curse has been broken. She is an exceptional mom. Healing works! I so appreciate your comment!
Dismissive avoidant attachment style. Cold callous. Counterphobic defenses Against fears of abandonment. There is no timeline for dealing with things. Why are they averse to feelings are they dismissive of you. Its really their problem.
Wow! Why is it called counter phobic? I don’t think I have fear of abandonment
Ed, For curiosity what would u advise a person that was in a relationship like this, say, 4 years (I’m 45 and he’s 58). Because I pulled the plug on it yesterday and believe wholeheartedly I did the right thing. I will say it was still hard to do though because I struggle immensely with FoA. Anyway...I also wonder if these types of people have any hope for changing, or at least what are the odds of them taking every ounce of strength they have to watch a video like this; what would happen if a person who had trauma history that was like this if they watch the video...would they have an awakening do you think?
@@GreasyBaconMan counterphobic because if they are dismissive of you they may accually end a relationship they wanted. It takes 2. And if you felling the push pull mention it to the partner.
@@DirtTrackMemories sounds narcissistic and even dismissive avoidant. Because they will say your weak because you have emotions. I think he's talking about narcissistic cold callous way of relating. It wouldn't be a great relationship if they cut you down for having feeling.i think his theory is correct.
@@DirtTrackMemories see my reply
Another scenario: being laughed at when you're in tears from your siblings teasing and the only response from your parents is to tell you that "its just teasing" or "just ignore them". Its better to bury the hurt...
My older brother is really "this type of person." He's all about making fun of things I did when we were kids but if I mention anything in seriousness then he shoots it down immediately. He said about one of my messages, "I've outgrown that shit and won't read anything you mention about childhood. If you wanna wallow in it then knock yourself out."
I don't talk to him anymore -- about anything. I've blocked him, my younger sister, and father. Mom passed a few years ago.
This is spot on. I have been on my own emotionally in my marriage. My husband will do anything to avoid connecting to emotion. And, yes, he is a narcissist. Connecting to me in any real way emotionally means he would have to connect to himself in a real way, and that is impossible. He will do anything to avoid his flaws and to acknowledge that I am equal to him means that he would have to look at himself.
Oh dear. Do you have any support or help? Are you considering a divorce? That's tough. Good luck.
this sounds exactly like my mom (in your position) and dad. it was a hard environment to grow up in. we never talked about anything.
I can relate. So sorry you have nobody to share with. It is tough.
@N D , honest question and if it's not too insensitive to ask, on what basis did he go ahead with his marriage if he's the kind to find others' emotions overwhelming and an inconvenience? Did he bond with you over aspects like shared interests, or other aspects of stability (financial etc)? I'm genuinely curious to know what narcissists seem to feel attracted to in us, but then get so avoidant when feelings come up.
You just painted a picture of my mom. It’s been a rough ride and I’m almost 60. You just put a “why” puzzle piece in place that I have been searching for so long I can’t believe I didn’t see it. The what in the hell happened in her childhood that makes her like this. When you laid this out... it was SO obvious. When you have been searching for something for almost 60 years 🙄. Thank you. ❤️
I know it took me that long too, I’m 64 .
That’s how I can forgive them. But they are not off the hook for their behavior as elderly adults either. They’ve had longer than I have to improve their personal development.
My narcs are 84/85 and are not aloud into my life. Or their flying monkeys, my sisters. One died a month ago and I sat it out, I blocked their phones, absolutely no contact.
It’s how I feel now!
It is about me!
So dam true!
@@koolbeans8292 Do you ever worry you'll regret no contact after they're gone? I do, so I just play along like we're fine.
kathylovesmk
Do you mean will I ever regret feeling like I’m a piece of shit and not worthy of their respect after 60 plus years of silent treatment, name calling, blaming others and gossiping? .....NO!
@@kathylovesmk I haven’t talked to my parents over something so trivial blown out of proportion for almost two years. It was really over nothing but the reaction was astronomical. So, my older brother went through a similar Hong but know does the same thing, pretends nothing is fine.
My father is like this. Always "stop being sensitive" or "get over it" or "it happened leave it in the past" or "just be happy". This is the same way he talks to himself. I hear him say to himself "god I am so stressed. Well I gotta snap out of it". He is threatened by my vulnerability because I reflect feelings he is uncomfortable with. It's easier for him to repress, shame, and scapegoat me than to listen and understand. I notice that he will ask "how are you?" and if I am not happy he shames me. Or he'll try to be nice (still figuring him out). But I feel he just wants me to feed his delusion that we are a close and happy family. Because pretending is what gets him by. But he is not doing well. He woke up late for work today which is not like him. He does so much overtime, just so he can escape. Heck one time he got angry during a fight me and my brother had and he said "fine I might just go to work". He doesn't want to do the hard work with parenting. He just wants to avoid and get away. Disgusting and pathetic.
You’ve just described my sister. Emotionally unavailable, whenever I needed her emotional support the most she would shut down, if I conveyed any dissatisfaction with my life she would shame me for whining . I now understand that any expression of victim mindset to her was triggering because she was a constant emotional support to our mom during childhood.
My brother is definitely narcissist without a doubt and I really connected with this, it’s weird though he will cry over anything and express his emotions just fine, but like you said can’t handle others emotions. I’ve also noticed I can’t even ask him basic questions, such as asking him about his interests without him becoming extremely defensive, like I have nefarious reasons, or never will directly answer me, such as oh what are you working on and his response is very negative “nothing, why”?!?! In a very aggressive way. It’s debilitating, I can’t have a normal conversation at all.
That's me with my brother too. You described the situation exactly...but I know the reason he is like this, we grew up with a narcissist father and an empath for a mother, he was a abusive physically, emotionally and mentally, specially to our mom. It was a very hard upbringing. All my siblings suffered emotionally, I was the strong one so I've picked up the pieces of their shattered life. My brother is now an alcoholic, he can't cope with emotions of others. He can't cope with his own so he avoids it all.
My daughter turned out like this. I was an abuse survivor and I married someone who was dismissive/avoidant towards me almost from the beginning. I had been taught to repress my emotions so I'm going through this marriage with no emotional support and a belief that I should just "man up". Somehow my daughter also became dismissive/avoidant and now we struggle to connect. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, but I'm at a loss with her, she actually triggers me because she often treats me the same as my ex did, and I'm still not recovered from a lifetime of abuse/neglect.
I was taught to suppress my feelings, FEAR and ANGER. I was punished for crying and showing anger to my parents.
Up until 2 years ago, I was this person.
I'm working hard not to be anymore!
This is exactly what I found my psychopathic/narc ex-husband doing to me. His mother was overreactive and a drama queen. He never believed me when I needed to be comforted, i.e. death of family... I had to suffer alone!
My partner only likes emotions focused on him, ones of admiration or approval. Other than that I am to keep it to myself or be completely invalidated.
There is a weird unemotional space I have found with my partner where the straight direct detached addressing of his lies and manipulation can be bought into focus. But it starts with me simply saying what I don't want or can process from another person. I use my 'inability to cope against him. I don't blame him or point a finger. I talk about my inability to trust and how bad I am at relationships...its an effective space where while talking about my shortcomings I inadvertently call out his offenses.
@Robin Hensley the trouble I found with doing the exact same thing in the exact same situation is it really was like talking to a houseplant. No connection was ever made. I tried for a solid year, and never got any closer...so I went gray rock and as soon as possible, left the relationship. I do hope you have a better outcome.
Sounds narcissist to me.
I think you may have a narcissist on your hands...
He is. It's like I've been broken down to be molded for his needs. I just have a very private internal world now where my thoughts and heart are safe.
This is 100% spot on. My father in particular is exactly this way. His mother had brain damage from a car wreck, and it caused her to have very little control of her emotions. On top of that, she was an alcoholic, which made things worse. My father at least had the self-awareness to tell me that he views people who are very emotional as weak and more or less defective, and growing up he decided he wanted to be the polar opposite of his mother, due to her emotional volatility and the resulting abuse. As you can imagine he very rarely expresses emotion, and condemns any expression of "negative" emotion. He also has an explosive temper and has lost control a number of times throughout my life, sometimes over seemingly small things. As you can imagine, if I express so much as an inkling of introspection or emotion, he tells me to stop victimizing myself and to get my shit together, because that's what he did. It definitely contributed a lot to the shame that I still deal with on a daily basis.
On the other hand, I've found myself behaving this way more than I would like to admit due to my own personal experiences and trauma. Long story short, I was involved in a handful of abusive relationships with highly toxic and highly emotional people, and at least three of them would regularly hold me hostage with threats of self-harm or suicide if I didn't give them what they wanted. They were controlling and manipulative, and I resented them for their inability to rely upon themselves and the way they thrust their emotional issues on me and even went so far as to use them to threaten me. One friend actually DID attempt suicide because I took a break from talking to him for a day, given the nature of our relationship was toxic and controlling and just generally suffocating, and I've had a couple of other friends self-harm and explicitly blame it on me, or tell me that they wanted to kill themselves because of me, and the reason was always more or less because I didn't talk to them enough ("enough" being 24/7), or because I wasn't helping them resolve their emotional baggage (despite my best attempts to do so, they downplayed my efforts and continually claimed I didn't really care about them despite how much time I would spend every day trying to calm them down and help). My mother has also historically always relied upon me to support her through her unhealthy relationship with my father, and her depression, and eventually I grew to sort of resent her for it, too, because I realized none of it was ever reciprocal, and I always, ALWAYS dealt with everything alone.
I was scolded for crying or throwing "tantrums" and often outright mocked and laughed at for my emotional outbursts as a child, so I learned better than to rely on others and resorted to only relying on myself. I'm aware this is unhealthy, and I am actively trying to unlearn this behavior, but it's definitely not easy. I still feel resentment toward people when they express their wants/needs to me with regard to our relationship/friendship, because regardless of what they're asking, I still feel like I'm being held hostage by someone who doesn't really care about me and only values their own feelings and needs, even if that isn't at all the case. I default to feeling like a cornered animal and react with a lot of hostility. On the other hand, I am still emotionally vulnerable with the people I love (and trust). I hope one day I can reach a point where people expressing their feelings with regard to our relationship doesn't set me off so badly.
I was laying in our bedroom, crying, deeply upset. He was in the living room, playing video games and having fun chatting with his friends. I was just totally ignored. I've learned that I do no really matter. Only the things I can provide, matter.
They seem to make a B-line for touchy feely types though 🤷🏻♀️
Lmaooo. Is that what's happening?
Exactly. They get someone to listen to them about their day or the guy who cut them off in traffic. They do one emotion very well: bitter, and everyone else has to listen.
It's because they crave that type of attention... At least I know I do
@@courtneycherry5582
Why?
Because subconsciously they want to learn how to feel and express emotions. They want to heal, just like us, but they're unaware that they're wounded.
I used to say my ex was like a wolf, any sign of weakness made him irrationally angry
Unhealed emotionally neglected ppl, are emotionally immature/undeveloped/unstable...and emotionally neglect those in their path. AKA my mother.
Very problematic for the entire family.
She passed 16 months ago and now we're able to fully heal... finally.
This is my mother. No wonder I've been in therapy for 25 years. She's the "nice" parent.
Absolutely what I was looking for. I ended a 7 year relationship with a man brought up in a household where emotions were hidden, stepped away from, as a child his mother didn't allow him to feel any "weakness" she said "be as tough as ten tigers" thus invalidating a child's need to feel. As you said, this is a very difficult person to be in a relationship with and ultimately I want someone who can go deeper with me and connect on a real level. Thank you Patrick for this super helpful video.
This definitely happens between me and my friend. He has no problems venting to me. But as soon as I need to vent, he shuts down and tells me I need therapy (which I'm already seeking) or he downplays my challenges by saying, "Everyone deals with depression and anxiety once in a while. You're not the only one. It'll get better" Often times his responses make me feel very guilty for complaining and needing his support. Now I'm careful not to talk to him anymore. This ultimately makes me afraid to trust anyone. Yes I can talk to my therapist but is it really a crime to need a friend too? Anyway, this video cleared the air and it definitely affirms that I'm right in not wanting to talk to him anymore.
Your friend sounds self absorbed
He's invalidating your feelings. Get out of the toxic relationship if you can.
It's human to need a friend. He's just not a good one.
Familiarize yourself with signs and symptoms of narcissism, and their pattern of thinking and acting, and you'll be able identify what's happening, where you will then (hopefully) subsequently walk away.
You can do better...a lot better. Once you develop strong, healthy boundaries, you won't tolerate emotionally-unavailable people anymore, because you'll suddenly feel EXTRA drained by their parasitism.
I'm so glad UA-cam recommended Patrick's video to me (immediately subbed to channel). He covers the nuances of narcissism that people don't often discuss, and it's the ROLEPLAYS that bring it all to life. We can recognize these words, behaviors, etc., and finally be validated that the reason why it never felt good being around these people is because our bodies and minds knew exactly what we were experiencing, and how toxic it was. Even if we couldn't leave as children, since we obviously weren't meant to be able to take care of ourselves, we could start our new lives starting NOW.
@Queen Ra
One has to be wise about who they choose for a friend, first observing and ascertaining if they are even capable of being such a friend.
Sounds like emotion is a big trigger for that type of person. My mother had a nervous, tension behavior that triggers me now as an adult. People that act edgy, anxious etc and show this make me anxious. Denying emotions and keeping all that stored away will catch up to you one way or another.
My half-sister is like that. Flat, emotionless, non-communicative. SHe grew up alone with her mother. She is also absolutely appalled by my opening up emotionally or talking about issues. Dad hated it and so does my half-sister. According to them the only conversation is light conversation. Her and her kids came over to my house once and they were quiet as boulders. I did all the talking, it was exhausting.
You just described my mom, I'm starting to learn that she's always going to be like this, and that the best course of action is staying away
Being belittling of others isn't strong.
There's actually a lot of self pity present if you look at ithem closely.
This is so wild. This is my sister, i was the scapegoat child but she perceived me to act like a victim. So now in our adulthood, we struggle to connect when i seek connection in a family oriented environment. I always feel like when I go to her for validation I can sense that she is on edge. She is triggered by our shared childhood trauma where it was unsafe for her to agree with me.
It does make sense on why these narc parents find our emotions overwhelming and an inconvenience -- they haven't had anyone to handle their emotions. Seeing us express ours terrifies them, as most likely it takes them to a time of their (unmet) need where they were ignored/dismissed or put in place. They've never had empathy exemplified, so they don't know how to treat others in kind. To them it's just an awkward, unnecessary thing to now be saddled with. Doesn't help that the internal mantra probably is, "I got over it, so should you". Amazing how they think they've turned out ok, cause they clearly haven't!
YES. My mom has too much empathy to be a narcissist? (Seemingly random empathy, usually for ppl who are unlikely to being their emotions to/at her) but she has very very low empathy for ME in particular (I was low-key scapegoated in my family). I have a hard time describing it, but this hit the nail of the head. My trouble really arises at this point (I've been NC with her for 4-5 years now), bc I struggle with being this way myself. I work very hard at it though, and with recognizing that other people's emotions aren't a threat to me and I can engage them and my own empathy without being afraid. I'm much better at it now, although I do struggle with the person closest to me (my husband). I always suspected this was a form of self protection bc my mother was abused as well. Thank you for this insight, I've never heard anyone else talk about this, only NPD in specific, and that just doesn't quite fit my experience. 💜
The way you just explained your situation totally gave me a light bulb moment! Thank you!!
Borderline?
My mother has misplaced empathy too, for random ppl like shopkeepers and other strangers who are actually better off than her! She feels sorry for them! Yet never had any empathy for my emotions and traumas (most of which she put me through). My hurt/upset feelings get her in a rage and she invalidates, dismisses and minimizes 😡
I've been listening to these videos thinking about myself in relation to either my mom (father deceased) or those I have patterns with. My neighbour is an incredibly tough, "macho" alpha female. I have always been more submissive, fearful and at times, shy. I have been "pushing back" against this neighbour and she will not even speak to me. Yes, from what I've observed about her is that she puts on a "happy face," doesn't appear to have empathy, puts on a "I've got my sh**t together" face when she feels threatened. One day I stood in my kitchen, and proceeded to do my vocal exercises (always during reasonable daylight hours, I must add.) The next thing I heard was her doing a very loud, "drama mama" workout, clapping, hooping and hollaring for effect. Luckily, I'd finished and went out shopping. I chuckled because she didn't have an audience! Yes, I have had the thought that she is a narcissist, but true, perhaps she has had emotional trauma in her past. I have no idea. Weakness is not something you would ever see in this person. I am so glad that I am finally moving away because it has clearly been a toxic environment for me, as a musician who has been trying to express myself, yet dealing with this neighbour who has used various tactics as leverage against me for doing something that she doesn't like.
she is a weak person hiding under the macho facade.....
This rings true to me so much. My dad ignored my emotions, called me weak when I cried and laughed when I hurt. My mother would get angry at me for getting upset with her after we fought and wanted space, and would even start crying herself, saying that “I wasn’t allowed to get angry with her”. I got into a fight with my dad, which was never resolved. He just refused to respond, and we are now NC. I tried to reconnect with him, he blocked me. He is highly abusive, but a part of me still wanted to be okay with him. To be able to talk it out. I am starting to accept that I will never have that, even if I don’t fully believe that yet. I used to take it very personally that he treated me like this, believing that I didn’t deserve better and that I was bad for hurting and having emotions. I am not. He is a bad person for having treated me that way. And I always deserved better.
Every time I got upset my dad would either yell at me to quit being so sensitive or he'd just give me a look of disgust. I was living with him taking care of him at the end of his life, and luckily about 2 yrs before he passed away I had finally figured out why he was like that. I quit allowing him to see me upset at all. It wasnt good for me or him. He was definitely emotionally stunted and denied emotional expression as a child growing up in the 30s and 40s. He was a good man. Just very traumatized, just like I was by him.
This is truly helpful.
I work with someone who is a friend.
I have lost both my parents in the last eight months and have gone through PTSD. My friend / co-worker gave me a book on how to be victorious. I cried all the way home that day. Angry cried. Hurtful cried. Then it finally dawned on me: they needed me to suck up the grieving process and move on. Get on with life already. She begrudged my process.
I then added her rejection or lack of support to my grieving process.
This video has truly given me insight.
Thank you.
I’m sorry you lost both your parents close together, there’s no timeline for grief and trying to rush it just backfires anyway.
Ok but are you moving forward at all or are you stuck? Nobody said you need to be healed and over it by X time, but if your still in crisis and not making any progress in integrating this new life stage then yeah you probably need some help. We've all know people who stay stuck in a loop of initial grief and never move forward. Thats not healthy. People who heal don't stop grieving, they just learn how to ride those feelings without being carried away by them.
Wow! Really hit the spot. Finally an explanation for hitting the wall in my relationship for so many years. Thank you
same!
This sounds like my brother. He was abused outside of the home at a very young age, extreme bullying, he never put in the work to heal from that (even after therapy (honestly I’m not sure if the therapy that he was in as a child helped at all, because he doesn’t talk about it)), other abuse happened later in life and he dug further into that defense mechanism.
I am a very emotionally sensitive person. So, having a sister who he thought of as weak because of having emotions and being honest about having emotions has been a very toxic sibling relationship, thank you for giving me perspective on this!
My mom is this way, her father died when she was a teenager and her mother followed him a couple of years later. Now When my brother died at the age of 30 she didn’t cry in front of us, maybe she cried alone but she seemed okay throughout the whole thing. No grief no talking about the dead, total amputation.
Her emotional range is very limited, laughter is the easiest and it never seems to come from the gut, always from the throat, physically speaking.
She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 4 years ago and I think the emotional disconnectedness played a big role in that.
I struggled with empathy for years and apathy and numbness. I would have a fight with my husband the night before and the next morning I am all good, hardly recall the details or feel the need to reopen the issue. Totally detaching from whatever I can’t handle emotionally. But your videos are now helping me understand and tackle the root cause not the behaviour. And I am healing, I think my brain is even changing! thank you, thank you, thank you!
Can you do a video on emotional capacity and brain plasticity from your childhood-trauma approach. Again thank you!
My dad's sister, who I grew up several states away from, doesn't want to go there when I give examples of the abuse/neglect at the hands of my dad. I always thought she was following the unspoken family rule of "don't talk badly about each other" but she had no problem complaining to me that he didn't answer when she called him on his birthday. 🙄 It's hard for me to speak to her now
Well shit, this is me. I always wondered why I can't deal with people crying or getting super in their feelings in front of me. And I think this is it. I'm fine with people talking about their emotion, I just don't want to see them. Yeah.....I got some issues.
Wow! Good for you having this insight.
interesting. but question: why do u dont want to see them? does it make u feel negative?
@@seeexy I struggle with being present for others' emotions too, and I think it has something to do with an intolerable helplessness to solve 'the problem.' I hate seeing someone else in distress, if I can't do anything to fix it. I get very anxious about it and typically leave the emotional person to their own devices while I distract myself with doing something, anything that removes me from their emotional display.
This is my mom to a T. I gently mentioned it to her and played the video a little and she said it’s true she grew up in a very unemotional family
I grew up being shamed for showing emotions, but my parents were very emotional. I got in a really bad relationship after I was in counseling for a while where my parter was like the person described in the video.
One of the last times we hung out together he was really upset, and I started crying and he got mad at me because he thought I was only crying to manipulate him.
From counseling and introspection, I know that my emotions are valid. I’m still learning how to deal with people who get triggered by me for how I am. I tend to kinda blow up if people act like my parents. Like, if I say, “oh, I messed up on something.” And they laugh at me or act superior because they didn’t mess up on it, i tend to yell back that my emotions are valid and everyone makes mistakes. So, like, I’m trying to heal, they get triggered because they don’t think their emotions are valid/see it has a character flaw, etc, I get triggered because I’m tired of my needs and emotions not mattering to people. Yikes. Working on that. Gee, it’s a journey.
Im like this some of the time, although I know about it and am in therapy for it. Your analysis is spot on: my mom used me as a therapist for most of my childhood so when other people want to connect with me around trauma WITHOUT checking if that´s ok with me first, thats a major trigger and leaves me feeling used in that same way. My parents were also narcissists, so it might be something for all of us to think about: just because we have trauma doesnt give us the right to dump it on people without asking first. Its a verk tricky subject because you may have two victims that trigger eachother. Its sad heat childhood trauma does
You've hit the nail on the head for me - not checking with me first..not respecting my right to say No, I don't want to deal with you/ take responsibility for your pain
@@catherinesinclair7727 I suppose the challenge is to say "no" on taking responsibility for their pain whether they check or not. I'm not there yet, but communities like this give me hope that people can be perfectly kind, connected, wholesome, and emotionally independent : leaving self care-taking to their company.
@Katja Slonawski, there is so much truth in how you described your mom which resonated me with so much in how my own mom is -- I am the only child of a emotionally abusive and narcisisstic mom (who is unsurprisingly lonely and would turn to me to be an emotional outlet, whether it was to vent at or to bond over, ugh). When I was young, I used to infact believe we were bonding until I realized she didn't see me as my own person. As I got older and moved out, it has instilled in her more loneliness and desperation, and she "invites" herself to share a lot of inappropriate information that she feels entitled to dump on me.
To this day, I dread being alone in a room with her or on a Zoom call (if my dad's not able to join) because of her insatiable appetite for company which comes spilling out - especially the mother/daughter bond that she knows she has missed out on, which she still tries to hotfix. To be used as an emotional dumping ground, is truly an awkward and infuriating position to be in.
@@PreYeah you dont have to speak to her. I cut my parents off a year ago and it has been liberating
Heightened emotions are hard for me. I see them as inauthentic. I freeze.
It's so bizarre that these kind of people even enter into relationships, seeing as they only want distance!
I’ve noticed that this type of person tends to have been the golden child while their sibling was the scapegoat growing up. They are in deep denial that the narcissistic parent’s behavior is wrong. They likely watched that narcissistic parent gaslight the scapegoat and witnessed the aftermath of the scapegoat’s pain, e.g. crying, having an outburst, etc., which only brings on more abuse. But because they were the golden child, they identify too much with the parent to have empathy for the scapegoat. When you or I enter the scene seeking support, they see you as their over emotional scapegoat sibling who just needs to get over it. Any other reaction would cause them to face their dysfunctional family dynamics, and they’ve been in denial about that their entire lives. The cognitive dissonance is too much, so they have an angry reaction.
Golden child sister. She's so messed up and seems clueless about her need for healing. Out of touch with reality. 😢
This is my dad for sure. He also has Saturn in Leo, which can be interpreted as "restrictions in the heart energy". Actually, my grandma had a bit of this too. Don't ask, don't tell was really heavy on those generations. Suffering in silence is the English way. They scolded me when I cried at a funeral once.
Was born to two parents with Saturn in Leo. I ended up with it. But I escaped the narcissistic nest without becoming my one. Tough lessons tho in saving your inner child.
There's a sentence like that in the lyrics of "Time" by Pink Floyd. "Quite desperation is the English way".
Your first theory is right. When someone grows up with a super dramatic mother who constantly blasts them with emotional outbursts, that person gets super sick of it and has permanently had it with having this dramatic emotional stuff dumped on them. To be honest, I always thought the goal was for people to work through things so they can live more freely and not get stuck wallowing in the old issues over and over.
So would you be triggered to respond "just get over it, or be more like me"? I was like your mom but as I am trying to figure out how to get beyond my own Childhood Trauma ptsd. This 30+ year quest done in variable intensity and rresources. In the process I have seen the damage I've done to my children . I want to reach out to them!
Because of course I affected their lives and they are stuck in different levels of relationship problems and levels of anti-emotionalism.
I'm reading "Permission to Feel" right now. About recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing and regulating emotions.
My mom is like this. She wants to be available, she even really tries to be available… but it’s almost like she’s cut off from her own emotions, so she can’t validate others’ emotions. My Dad was often angered by emotions, so my mom would try and hush my emotions so as not to cause more upset in my Dad, or to feel uncomfortable feelings herself? Now I have an intense need for validation that most people find to be too much! 🙈
Everyone I grew up with was like this! Mad when displaying my emotions- yes. They act like I was the crazy out of control person, or too needy. Older sister tries to portray having her life perfect and together, but has major OCD and anger fits last time I spoke to her about two years ago. She cut me out of her life because I was truthful to her. Issues will always come back though. Glad to know it’s not my fault.
It’s really not your fault……I hear you❤
I'm working on emotional triggers and thought my older sister was/is a narcissist. I'm thinking now, that she is dealing with childhood trauma as well. Thank you so much for the work you do.
What I don’t understand is that people who are threatened by other family members in the family who speak up about the stuff that is wrong... tends to be rejected and isolated because it doesn’t fall into with the pattern of how the family system believes or behaves. It’s very painful....
My mom always seems like she has all the wisdom in the world, but if I ever say she’s upset me she immediately makes it about her. “Oh, so I’ve failed you as a mother?” Or “You’re being so mean to me.” She and my dad had a negative, argumentative marriage and then a tumultuous divorce and she neglected me a lot. And I’m not allowed to talk about it because it becomes about what it means about her instead of what I went through.
You’re describing the British and the descendants of its empire 😆 lol
Thank you for this niche video. I just found your channel and I’m already a big fan of your work. Your insights are new to the collective consciousness and seriously long awaited too. ❤️
As a Brit I agree. I lived in Ireland and that whole country struggles with emotions. So yep on the descendants of the empire too.
And the Irish. What is the reply to how are you? It could be worse! Or I can't complain, or, Mustn't grumble. Or..... "fine"
My French friend actually asked me "why can't you complain?". It struck me as a very *exposing* question. I felt really under a spotlight.
This is my parents, more specifically my mother. I'm in my mid 30s and have only started to realize what her toxic traits are in the last few years. I never talk about it, but maybe I should.
I come back to re-watch this regularly. My mum is definitely triggered by anybody going in to victim mode as she sees it, even if that's only ''would you mind not calling me sensitive''. (she has no empathy so obviously there's a long history of her not having the patience to listen to me when I was upset so she got mad at me and called me sensitive, emotional or paranoid whenever I was upset).
I agree. And from what I’ve learned, a person who’s lived in trauma who also married an alcoholic / narcissist tends to shut down emotionally - for so long and pretty much had to do that growing up due to a father with anger control issues, so they never learned to show emotions. If they did, it probably wasn’t good.
This person won’t talk about anything remotely serious or emotional, looks uncomfortable, & pretty much isn’t listening. They’re blocking it out.
This, to a child who needs emotional support or guidance but never gets it, is always disregarded, and then wonders later why they can’t cope very well in different situations- at work at school or wherever - especially criticism, even the constructive kind.
The child has had to adjust & accommodate their whole life, and thinks it’s just “how” they are. They perceive themselves as defective somehow.
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Thank you for this video. There was much I recognize from my father and my brother. "Anti-emotional" describes them. I have often described my father as a wall, with no door. I have repeatedly asked after my father's youth. I have never heard anything about it. Same with my mother by the way, though she is different - much more emotional, but also more (or more visibly?) insecure, and just as hard trying to suppress her emotions. But less successful. The example of "That was so many years ago ..." - yes, I have heard that one in many different ways. It makes me feel shut down, not seen.
Two ideas I really appreciate: 1.) That they see me as weak. Because I often had that feeling, but no one would ever say it out loud. But I felt it so often. 2.) That they get triggered, that their trauma gets triggered, by me talking about emotions.
"A wall with no door." Wow! Good description.
@@QCDoggies Thank you. The metaphor goes further in my head. I feel that for many years I have camped outside of that wall, hoping to find a door, or better yet, hoping that the man inside would pick up a hammer, ram a hole in that wall and build a door.
I now know: there will never be a door.
And so I had to choose: either I will camp forever outside of that wall, and live off the scraps of emotional attention he reluctantly throws me from the wall, or break up camp and move on.
I have chosen the latter.
@@harmenbreedeveld8026 the camping metaphor is wonderful, too. If you're not already familiar with a literary publication called The Sun, you might want to check it out. You might enjoy reading it or sending submissions.
@@QCDoggies Hi Liz, thanks for your kind reply. I do not know this publication, where do I find it? Do you have any link to it?
" Zero tolerance for weakness" Yes this was me. I've tried hard to change. Thank you for putting this into words- I've never seen it anywhere else.
Unfortunately, I feel this way about my sister. I'm closest with her, and I get along with her very well, but I can't confide in her with my emotional and mental issues because even though she may say she "understands mental health issues", she does call people suffering, like me, weak. It hurts. I'm trying my best, and all I need is a little support and a listening ear, but if I can't get that from someone I'm closest to, who else wants to listen?
Oh my goodness thank you so much! Explains what I want through with 12 step sponsor who was a self proclaimed “healed spiritual empath” who pushed toxic positivity. I told her some real serious things and was crying over my severe childhood trauma and she said “ya know everyone has things from their childhood”. There was a big push for forgiveness my abusive and not sorry parents. She also would say “she did the best she could” after I told her some things that many would call the worse type of things they could imagine, not some small thing. I can’t understand how the best they could do was horrific and extremely damaging.