my cluster B parent died and I felt.... nothing much (2/2) [cc]
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- Опубліковано 5 лип 2024
- A two-part reflection on how I became indifferent to a destructive cluster B parent, examining the transformative processes children of malignant households go through between our birth into psychological chaos and our eventual departures. Names altered for anonymity.
You can support the channel at: / theramintrees
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0:00 recap of part one
1:55 defence
2:14 obstacles and despair
3:48 withholding information
4:40 withholding emotion
5:07 withholding contact
7:08 one-down emotions
7:33 dethroning emotions
9:24 seeing the mask
10:52 defiance
11:34 Rags
15:00 first defiant episode
16:29 sliding back to defence
16:56 second defiant episode
18:39 uncontrollable superpowers
20:16 shifting tactics
21:30 losing my religion
24:51 containing the uncontained
26:44 detachment
27:10 continuing abuse of others
29:13 projection
31:09 no more protecting the abuser
32:38 moving out into detachment?
33:18 denial
33:26 persisting in your folly
34:26 getting back in touch
36:35 years of constant games
38:25 running out of steam
38:42 the abuser’s past
40:44 wiping the slate clean
41:32 deja vu
41:53 disturbing phone call 1
43:23 disturbing phone call 2
43:57 strolling down memory bomb site
45:22 a dose of reality
46:35 reconnecting fully with the past
48:10 chaos reemerges
50:38 going no contact
51:05 sifting through the mess
51:52 detachment
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references and reading
Perry, B.D. and Szalavitz, M. (1917) The boy who was raised as a dog - and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook. Basic Books, New York.
Tolkien, J.R.R. (1954) The lord of the rings. Allen & Unwin, United Kingdom
Watts, A. (1999) Buddhism, the religion of no religion: the edited transcripts. Tuttle Publishing, Vermont.
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music © TheraminTrees
Full original music tracks used in videos are available to patreon supporters who pledge at the $1 per video level.
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Something chilling that hit me about the "you never let me get away with my tricks" remark is that this might really be how she genuinely believed all human interaction works -- that all people are just as sociopathic as her and all positive interactions are just both parties somehow agreeing to play into each other's lies. She probably didn't consider it to be a slip of the mask, because she believed everyone else does the same. It's moment like this that I realise we don't need to look to stars to find truly alien life...
Good point
I've had this realization before as well. Strange. Life is strange. These people are manipulators, always thinking with ulterior motives how to get what they want, etc.
My malignant narcissist dad seems to think like this. It's sad in a way.
@@MPSmaruj yeh, these people only behave as badly as they can get away with.
They're arrogant enough to think their brain is special yet ignorant enough to believe that everyone thinks like them.
I feel like therapists can come from abusive pasts in the same way athiests can come from abusive religions. A big part of being able to move past things is to understand them.
Its the same for nutritionists as well. Easily more than half of nutritionists, maybe even 3/4ths of them suffer from some eating disorder which is ironic since they themselves would know the most about how important it is to eat right, or philosophers trying to solve the secrets of the universe when the reality is if they could just solve their own issues they probably wouldn't care about answering unsolvable questions. People are just trying to solve their own issues the best they can, don't know if theres a lesson in that but it is what it is
Religion just tends to be a found abusive family.
_"We love you unconditionally!"_
I am gay.
_"Okay... I guess not."_
very well put
Well said and Theramin comes from both.
Glad the man is who he is and not a serial killer
Those who are religious are almost always from religious parents and cultures. Abusive people are almost always from abusive parents and cultures. It is a bigger correlation that unhealthy thinkers are made that way from unhealthy upbringing, and that unhealthy upbringing is likely to generate unhealthy thinking, not healthy thinking. People like to think that their experiences as victims give them unique insight, but that simply is not the case. Insight and wisdom are obtained by anyone seeking them, and people from abusive situations have an even bigger hurdle to clear to obtain it. Glad when it happens, but it is not at all an expectation. It's a rarity.
My mother also killed my dog. Albeit more deliberately, she threw him off a porch where he fell to his death. She blamed me, for not training him not to bark.
To this day I remain furious at her, and am not on speaking terms.
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. And all I wish is that neither of them could hurt me or anyone else ever again.
What.The.F*** ?!
That is psycho.
People who abuse animals should never be allowed to have children. You have every right to be mad at your “””mother””” until the day you give up the ghost; that is simply unforgivable.
@@voidwalker7774 There's more to the story, but the gist is enough.
I’m not on speaking terms with your mother, either. Jesus Christ.
I'm so sorry... I've also lost a dog to horrifically abusive family doing things that I wish they went to prison for. I can't believe some humans are so uncaring for sentient lives: human kids, dogs, animals, or anyone that doesn't worship him/her as a god :(
Birth, the worst lottery ever conceived.
I hope the pun is intended
It would be even worse if it were designed by an all-powerful creator.
I'm so happy my parents are both alright people.
@EneTheGene I’m genuinely happy for you and have to say that’s so lucky. 🍀
The notion that maladjusted people can just choose to create people to do with them as they please, and no one has the power to stop them is horrific.
You and your brother are very lucky you had each other to rely on
it gives me the warm fuzzies every time he mentions it :)
Same here, I would've gone insane if my brother didn't exist. My whole family are religious narcissist. Mom, Dad, Uncles, Aunts and more!
It strikes me just how unusually common it is for abusive people to commit animal abuse, and/or to weaponize pet death as a means of harming their target victims before belittling their grief and pain.
@sailorenthusiast My psycho father did that with our pets, too. 😢
@@Esther-1914 I'm so sorry, same here :(
My mom did the same thing to me, and hearing other victims in here relay this same story is beyond validating. It was my dog that put me over the edge finally with my mother, i'd go off to work a hard physical job, and shed give me calls telling me how this dog was RUINING her life and she was going to send him to pound, or worse have him put down because his SKIN WAS NECROTIC and she would know SHES A NURSE (He had a cut on his ear from scratching yeast in his ear). She called me, angry one day at work telling me it was happening that day and she was taking the dog in and my grandma (also a narcissistic, perhaps even worse, was ready in waiting to help her). I came home, grabbed my dog and all my belongings I could shove in the back seat of my shitty car and drove to my dads apartment. I was willing to be homeless if he couldn't let me stay with my dog, luckily for me he was more than happy to help, knowing how insane my mom is. He quite liked my dog.
Another reason to criminalise animal abuse
I mean, it's just an extension of the way they treat their fellow humans, and pets don't have the same legal and social protections, nor do they have the potential to speak to anyone about their abuse (or even really fight back in the case of small pets).
"oops" is just a psycho's boundary testing that shouldn't be tolerated or go unpunished. They wanna see what they can get away with.
Yeah, so many of these tricks as she called it, are actually warfare tactics. I can't imagine how draining it must be to grow up in a constant state of cold war that can explode at any moment. You don't realize how lucky you've been until you hear about what others go through.
it's a troll move, best to ignore it instead.
I used to test boundaries like that when I was a freaking child. I think it says a lot about the adults who still behave this way.
@@AD-dg3zz true, children do it either to get an understanding of social boundaries or simply because it's amusing (and they don't have the proper mental faculties for robust empathy yet). grown adults who do this kind of thing - e.g. toe-lining online rules, constantly poking/exploiting their friends' & family's boundaries, goading people in public - i reckon must be *profoundly* emotionally underdeveloped
@@nepunepu5894 Hard to “ignore” when you’re constantly being thrown onto the emotional battlefield and made to endure a kamikaze storm of insults and beatings.
You were such happy children... Ugh. I remember being told by so many people "You used to have the biggest smile in the world and be so happy!"
When everyday life is rough just running into a normal person can seem like an Oasis. Of course a child dying of dehydration would be grinning ear to ear at encountering the most mundane creek of water. Don't need to be a saint or a superstar comedian to leave an impression on a child.
Being corrected by the people who raised you about how happy you were as a child, or whether your depression was real, or whether you had trouble making friends, is so infuriating.
"what happened to the happy child I used to know"
You happened 💀
Typical response. When that one doesn't work, another common on I've heard is that my criticism was unfair, since times were different. I can't believe someone would genuinely believe their traumata would make for good parenting advice, but since the times were different, I guess peoole just didn't want to be happy?
i am easily able to look happy meeting people. but after prolonged time it gets so difficult to even smile properly
I used to imagine that I was happy to have my toys taken away from me, because I imagined I could have so much fun without them. I was such an optimist back then, thinking I'd suddenly "get it" and start to love and be satisfied with whatever punishments I got.
Never worked. I was ecstatic to be given anything. Once, I was given a free rose to give to my mother because I was volunteering, and I rejected it, because I felt tremendous shame at the idea of accepting even something that small, and not for myself. I paid for it with my allowance and my mother barely cared when I gave it to her.
I personally grew up with the kindest most supportive parents, but videos like these help me so much in understanding those close to me, who struggled during their childhoods because of poor parenting. It is just heart breaking. What kind of monster is annoyed by children laughing?!
I concur with your comments.
Parents that make everything about themselves, which is often passed down from their parents.
My toxic mother would be annoyed at MY laughing, but laugh loud in the next room, the hypocrite she is!
Sadistic, jealous, resentful, broken cluster B mothers- that's who. My mother was annoyed by my existence and the fact that I am a female. My existence was treated like a threat to her survival- and I was/AM severely punished for not being a boy. I'm her only child- as she could not risk having another daughter...
2:15 "complete invulnerability, the kind you only saw in people who wear their underwear on the outside!" I am so stealing that one.
yeh, WOW, was just thinking that. Shall I write it down!? No need, i will listen to every new video repeatedly
Same!
Hearing about the incident with your puppy sent chills down my spine... my mother was always complaining about how our puppy pulled on the lead. According to her, the dog would yank on the lead so hard that she had to get treatment for a dislocated shoulder. Then one day while I was away at school abroad, I got a letter saying that the dog had died. According to my mother, it had yanked so hard on the lead that it had slipped her grasp, and the dog had run onto the road and been run over. I now wonder whether this was a true story or just another fabrication.
That's horrible! 😢 💔
Given other fabrications like that, and a tendency for the imposter to take no responsibility and put herself first, it's probable that she just secretly let the dog walk without a lead, so that the yanking couldn't hurt her shoulder, but that enabled the accident to happen, just like in TT's story. And to cover up for her own mistake and failure to take responsibility, she has shifted the blame unto the victim. Whether that is what happened is hard to say...
no need to wonder - that doesn't happen in real life, and besides being sorry for the murder of your pet by your own family, i'm sorry for the fog of confusion inflicted on you to make it harder for you to see. in the same way that "i forgot to put my infant in a car seat" is NOT a justification for a parent who is angry at the infant and therefore clearly put them in danger consciously, "i didn't mean for the accident to happen when i let the dog i hate off the leash in a street" is not an acceptable, accidental oversight. it's clear malice. we would never let a seething parent get away with killing a child because they're too mad to take care of a baby in a car. we shouldn't let psycho dog walkers putting dogs in danger have a pass, either.
@@kylezo dogs arent human.
@@gaiagbaIs all life not sacred?
@@gaiagba
🛫
😐
theramintrees addressing the "I can fix her!" habit is so based
I went thru the same realization when I acknowledged how much I tolerated my mother's abuse hoping that one day she'd see things for herself.
that never happened.
she only buried her head deeper into the sand.
It's the sad but true motto that you can' t help someone who doesn' t want to change . What make people with these kind of condition so difficult to help is that they often lack the self-awareness to realise that their own behavior is making their live miserable and they will refuse refuse any and all path toward improvement.
@@blackbloom8552They really aren't miserable, though. They enjoy power trips and making other people miserable, which of course isn't going to become a problem unless they totally run out of people to con. They enjoy the game of fake upset and manipulation. They aren't like "normal" empathetic people, who feel things like sadness for others, guilt, or remorse. I know multiple, and will never even try to "understand" anymore, because I don't want to live in their world.
I believe the imposter was miserable. I think she got fleeting rushes of pleasure with her 'victories' and when she was able to embroil someone in a game - when she felt power. But I think her default state was misery. She was like an addict, constantly craving/hunting external sources to give her a high - unable to generate it within herself. I don't think she knew any contentment.
@@TheraminTrees With admittedly no knowledge of the finer details, I did get the same sense particularly with how she would lambast someone as soon as they left the house. As if it were a habit bordering on addiction, perhaps she didn't even feel slighted, and just had a compulsion to yell about something to someone every single time a guest leaves.
@@IzzenArtI think they are the epitome of Misery Loves Company. They hide their shame and misery by humiliating and harming others, to bring others down to their level. They need to bring the rest of us down so they can have human stepping stones to try to elevate themselves out of their own despair and shame.
That doesn't mean I want to be abused or think they are admirable. It's a pathetic, awful existence. If we understand why they do it, we can heal and help their victims. Maybe even prevent the harm, or even try to treat those who want to try to not be that way.
It took me years to realize how my father was in charge of his personal theater and we all were just puppets he manipulated. He also created false hatred between people when in fact he was the one to be hated and shunned. He created artificial conflicts to appear as a savior. I now see him for who and what he is. It is as if my past is all fake. Being an adult now with nothing to be nostalgic about. Just glad to be here and now.
The Mopsy origin story is horrific. That's how serial killers are made.
My question: was it real? The part about the other children wasn’t. My theory is that she lied to make herself the victim.
What I was wondering there? Did he really feed them the rabbit or was it "just" an incredibly cruel joke.
You don't even know if the story was true. They lie a lot in order to manipulate people.
@@commandergs1390 Yeah, they're talking about a woman who is a pathological liar. Who has a multi-decade history of inventing wild, colourful lies in pursuit of attention. Why the fuck would you ever believe any sob story she has to tell? Especially one that absurdly cruel? Especially when you know full well that she has behaved the exact same way as her alleged previous abusers, and has shown zero empathy for the people she targeted for such abuse.
Unless she actually vocalized the connection - acknowledged that she had behaved the exact same way, and that her behaviour was wrong - then I conclude that she was just doing it for attention, and sympathy. The problem isn't solved unless she accepts accountability.
Well, she can't accept accountability now. But you know what I mean.
@@manmanman2000 You're forgetting the third option: It never happened. There never was a Mopsy. The entire thing was invented whole cloth by the Imposter. Maybe she adapted it from a horror story she happened to read.
You cannot trust anything the Imposter says.
let me take a moment to appreciate the 3D art on display here. i love the use of symbols and visual storytelling on the levels of professional productions. and the consistent art style. it was worth the wait !
I was impressed by how he managed to make that heart with the skull floor
With a special guest appearances of Tom Baker's Dr. Who and Sarah Jane Smith.
rare new theramintrees upload????? (seriously though this channel has been amazing in helping me navigate my own feelings towards religion- it’s truly a gift to have discovered this channel & every new upload feels like christmas ;D)
Same! Theramins videos made me realise I was gay
This channel is associated with another you'll find helpful, too - Qualia Soup
QualiaSoup still posts?
@@xenon8927 he helps with these videos, but his channel is just archive for old videos. Still high quality, right?
@@louisanow yeah! i discovered qualiasoup a while ago (through this channel) and really enjoyed his videos too. a shame he doesn't upload on his channel anymore, but it's good to know he still helps on this one. note: if you (or anyone else reading this) know of any other similar channels, do let me know..
I was bawling listening to Mitski in my car a few weeks ago and called up my ma, who I'd been no contact with for 3 years at that point. When I tell you her eyes were EMPTY. Everything she said was just "That never happened" or "That's not abuse". Or questions about me. She wouldn't talk about herself, she was just gathering information and jumping right back into the gaslighting like damn
I had been experiencing severe religious abuse from my parents for years, and with me being married now it has become much worse. I confided in my dear friend (who is an athiest) and I told him I never liked athiest content because I always felt it talked down to me as a man of faith. He recommended your part one of this video, telling me my situation reminded him of me, and then I kept watching more. I admire your ability to be....direct and compassionate. I never get the vibe you hate the religious, just that you want them to be enlightened.
I had been patiently waiting for this second part, it is wonderful seeing how you managed to survive and surpass your imposter mothers abuse. 😊
As an atheist, you have my condolences for the "bad" ones that go through (and the far too many that never mature beyond) the "religion is a mental disease" phase and act no better than those they disparage. I do hope the worst of them don't push you away from the good ones and possibly other atheist or secular content, but it sounds like such hope isn't necessary given your comment 🙌
@Deioth I grew up being told by my parents that "athiests are agents of Satan that mean to take you to hell" and this fear persisted until I made a completely natural friend who happenned to be an athiest. He talked me out of my religious indoctrination, even the little bit of anti gay tendencies I had (I only made the appeal to nature because I didn't hate gay people, ever). I appreciate him, and he changed my mind on athiests in general. When my best friend, who was a former Muslim and the one i mentioned in my initial comment, told me he was leaving the faith, I panicked because I was afraid he would leave me behind, and didn't want him to go to hell. I cared deeply about him and with me moving further and further away from my religious parents, I have casual chats about philosophy with my friend and it's the best.
I'm just a live and let live type of person, I don't want to impede on another person's right to think or believe. I'm a thiest myself, but I consider myself a Muslim still because it's all I really know. Maybe someday that will change.
I appreciate your comment, and I know there are many athiests like yourself that are kind, caring and empathetic people like my own friends are. 😌
As an atheist, and quite an arrogant one at times, I agree with you here. Other than this channel and Genetically Modified Skeptic, I find most atheist channels not very enjoyable.
@@Deioth Religion IS a mental disease. People need to realize that believing in ridiculous religious dogma is literally an insane thing to keep doing. Having a mental disease is nothing to be ashamed of. It needs to be acknowledged if you're ever going to heal.
@@gernottiefenbrunner172 The only other one I can personally enjoy (and definitely recommend) would happen to be someone who goes by Mindshift, in all honesty. It's cause he's someone who was once so energetic and religious that he went 'n got straight up certifications on the study of the christian bible, for the sake of being able to better defend and refute any arguments against it. But then the funny plot twist is that all that effort just meant he wound up as an atheist who's far more educated and capable of pointing out hypocrisies and contradictions within it, so whenever he's doing a "secular discussion" on any particular chapter, he's doing so with the full capability of viewing it from a christian perspective (and even sometimes accepting arguments as like a "alright, let's say that this is the case. What about X?" sense) while still providing atheist counterpoints to those details.
It's kinda like, he's not remotely trying to make fun of anything within the bible. Just merely trying to figure it out with a purely pragmatic and logical view, and hoping that it helps people ease through disassociating and disconnecting from religion.
25:44 "if she was water, I'd have to give a dam"
I see what you did there
My mother would constantly go through my stuff and throw away things that SHE didn't find important. Just like with my father it was 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. I wasn't even allowed to close my door at night.
Narcissists are sneaky like that. My mother never had time to read my writing. No interest. In college I wrote a play for a class about my mother's abusive behavior, to us and to my dad. Because she wanted to judge whether I was a good writer without having to give me any encouragement, she found the play and read. It was a shock to her. I didn't even feel bad for her seeing it. 😂 Oh, well...
Sadly when my mother found that she lost the power to psychologically abuse me she lashed out physically... once. I caught her arm and told her that if she tried that again I would lay her out. She never lashed out at me physically again. My ex-stepmother assaulted me one time, and I told her that I would have her arrested if she EVER did that again. She was a narcissist as well.
@@PhantomQueenOne I'm sorry that happened to you. I think, like TheraminTrees noted, abuser identify that you are getting older and are more capable of defending yourself verbally and physically, so they are more surreptitious in their abuse and use triangulation. I don't think my mom was that physically abusive when I was a kid (I may have blocked it out) but when I became a teenager, my mom, trying to reassert her control once yelled up the stairs to me, "Come down here so I can slap you face!" I just yelled back at her. "Are you crazy? I'm not coming down there!" I know teenagers have a reputation for being narcissistic themselves, but I was pretty straight-laced as teenagers go and violence is never warranted.
@@annekenney6914 I would never write in a diary because I knew I had no privacy. Whenever a therapist asks me to, I still refuse. I don't want anyone reading my private thoughts. I was a caregiver for awhile and one client demanded that I let her go through my phone or she would destroy it. I caught her going though my folder with private information about another client. I chewed her out for both. I told her that if she destroyed my phone she would lose me as a caregiver and I would sue her for replacement for my phone, and that she could NOT go through PHI of another client. She would do shit they I hated and I reported her to my boss.
My mother throws out anything I own for various reasons. Like, it isn't acceptable by God, or it doesn't match her colour scheme, or she just doesn't like it. And when I grew angry and screamed at her for always doing this when I wasn't at home, she yelled back that she does what she does for God and my feelings mean nothing compared to that.
I've literally waited 6 months for this... never clicked on a video so fast
Normally i don't watch his videos during the day, i use his meodic voice to help me sleep, but as soon as i saw this i clicked
I did the same, then I realised rewatching Pt.1 first, I'd get the best from it. I wasn't disappointed.
same bruh every time i go on youtube i check if this video has dropped
Me too!!!
Same
TheraminTrees, I... I can't express my gratitude in words accurately for all these videos you've made.
In ~2021, The first I saw was "Grooming Minds | The Abuse of Child Indoctrination". At the time, I was Christian, and thought I had a "pretty normal" upbringing. I had it randomly recommended to me, and i watched it very skeptically.
I was.. not prepared for it. It forced me to rethink everything, my whole religious upbringing. I watched more of your videos.
I had a breakthrough: "man... the god I worshipped seems like a narcissistic child, huh?
...
wait...
why does that sound familiar?"
...
and not two weeks later did i realize "Oh.... my mother is, too."
Suddenly it all made sense, though, it took time to accept it.
I was not able see the abuse, religious or parental, prior to you prompting me to think. I didn't know there was any other way! Deep down I knew, even back then, that something was wrong with her, yet I always blamed myself. However, seeing you so intricately deconstruct her patterns and traps in the videos about childhood abuse and living with abusers? It wasn't just familiar, it was borderline **identical** patterns.
"People who don't want you to think, are __never__ your friend" became my new guiding principle in that time of turbulence. Your videos helped me understand I wasn't alone, wasn't crazy, and it wasn't my fault. My fault or not, only I could save myself. So, I did. In april of 2022 I left her home and went no-contact. That was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I failed, a lot. I learned, I grew. It was hard as hell. It was *all* worth it.
It's... so interesting, being here now, freshly 21 years old. I'm a completely different person, for the better. I rediscovered my artistic passion, speak to myself as kindly as I do others, cured my chronic headaches (caused by stress), feel a sense of respect for myself that allows me to set *real* boundaries for the first time ever.... it's.. it is incredible.
I believe I'm at the final detachment stage. I feel indifferent to her. I'm no longer even upset, and I no longer ruminate about what happened back then.
And, for the first time ever... this video doesn't feel like a reality shattering revalation. It feels like.. a finale? A conclusion? A recap, of the long road to recover.
I've... ....I've healed. I made it? ...I survived. Now, I can finally begin to ***live***
Thank you, for everything, if you're reading this. And, to anyone else who made it this far? *_I'm proud of you._* You survived something many do not. I hope, perhaps, you might get something out of my rambling story.
I'm so glad the videos have been of help. Great to hear you've taken your life back and got back in touch with your passions. Peace.
I'm not sure why, but the word choice of "I'd have to give a dam" over "I'd have to build/make a dam" at 25:57 made me chuckle.
SAME that killed me
People who are stuck in the denial part really need to see what it looks like to finally detach and heal, so thank you for sharing your journey.
No one understands unless they've been through the same. The insanity and dogwhistling insults and trigger words for their rages sound like madness to everyone else. I used to think my father was an enabler who would stand there as my narcissistic mother raged at me, in silence, only to realize he was a narcissist all on his own. I always want to scream at my mother, "What's wrong with you!?" except there's never an answer, there's no ceasing her games and insanity. I hope I can get out soon.
Oof, are you not out of the house yet? It gets better. So, so much better. The fact that you’re already here watching these videos is more than I had until I was in my 30’s, so hopefully you can go far once you’re far away from them.
There’s studies now showing that severe narcissists have a part of their brain that is basically missing, so they can’t actually feel a bunch of normal positive emotions. Even though their sickness is heaped all over you, there’s nothing actually wrong with you and it’s not your fault.
@@weirdwilliam8500 I wish, but long story short, I cannot afford to leave right now. I read a recent study that TBIs do not cause narcissism, but can contribute to its expression. It is such an ugly disease that seems to affect everyone but the narcissist.
"No one understands unless they've been through the same."
You gain nothing in telling yourself this. Take it from a fellow victim of narcissistic abuse.
@@littlemoth4956 Forgive me for having the dreaded experience of people calling my narcissistic parents "nice" and "loving" while trying to explain their covert cruelty. I'm a bit jaded.
@@fax_machine it's not something you need to be forgiven for. you're simply cutting yourself off from community support by saying nobody else can understand, that's simply not true. it's normal to be jaded but it's unwise to push the world away. anybody who doesn't believe you about your own parents is obviously not invested in you as a person, and the reactions of casual acquaintances are not the best way to draw conclusions about human nature.
I still have a clear memory of when and where, at 15 years old, I told to myself “my mother is a child”, and proceeded to grow up aware of it.
I’m grateful for this video not because it taught me something, but because the puzzle metaphor checked so many boxes that I couldn’t even recall them while reflecting on my trauma.
Without ever speaking to TheraminTrees this man was able to tell a story i knew too well from my childhood. Thank you for the wonderful insight.
I'll be honest, I've recommended your channel to a couple of therapists I've had in the past. It's not because they were in any way lackluster, they've helped my mental/emotional health greatly, but because your videos are such an excellent resource. I mean it, they would hold great educational value being shown in psychology classes.
They surely hold _far_ more educational valuable than PragerU videos. The US is doomed.
I sent to my therapist as well when relevant stuff came up - i don't think it was as much her style as mine though, lol.
@@LucreDenouncerto be honest, I’m pretty sure PragerU isn’t nearly as ubiquitous here as they like to claim. My only professors or teachers that would agree with them on most subjects never mentioned them or tried to show their videos in class, so maybe there’s more hope out there than expected 🤷♀️ it definitely has happened, though
@@LucreDenouncerif the US follows the loudest voices? Maybe. But PragerU likes to puff up bigger than they actually are. A lot of conservatives are miserable and afraid, of nearly everything, so they use defensive mechanisms to look much bigger and more frightening than they truly are.
@@bbyrdie I just brought PragerU up because Florida officially allowed it in its classrooms.
I don’t know if this was intentional, but with how everything is positioned at 21:43 it looks like the word ‘CULT’, which I find very funny.
TheraminTrees is a clever man. There's no way that wasn't intentional
This video is a gift that just keeps giving. Great find!
Oh! “CULT” makes more sense, actually.
My mind went somewhere else with that. Considering the character of the videos subject matter, I substituted the L for one of its nearest neighbors. 🤭
@@SilverSpade92I was exactly the same 😅
A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
I have been waiting for this video for months🙏🙏🙏 Thank you, Theramin. I would not be at this stage in my healing journey, had it not been for your videos. Thank you for helping us find our voices against our own abusers
Wow, your last words about how exhausting it can be to talk about your abuser hit so close to home! New people I meet always assume that I keep stories about my father’s abuse very short because I’m still so traumatized. That it must be a touchy subject. But the truth is I’m just bored of the old man and his antics. It truly is like writing the same book twice. I know what he is and he has no effect on my life anymore. What a beautiful way to put it!
It's hard to explain how much this channel has done for me. I have a lot of different people and stories that have influenced me over the years, but I sincerely think that this channel might be in the top 5. Thank you so much for all the time and effort you put into your videos, TheraminTrees. I hope you know how deeply people appreciate your work and the messages within it
Regards and much love from the sunny Caribbean. I hope everything is good now. My mother died last year and something similar happened to me. It was good to watch your take on this. It has helped and I feel better. Thank you from the other side of the world, old friend.
Hey my friend. I'm glad you feel better. Here's to more sun and less cloud. Love and peace.
Sunny? Hurricane Beryl is devastating us 😭
@@atrapdr6251 It has pass and gone. Sun is back.
@@jolulipa Jamaica is just about to get the brunt of it and it has already killed 5 people on 2 Windward Islands ☹️
@@atrapdr6251 Sad. I hope this giant storm does not damage too much our brothers and sisters of Jamaica and further on, of Cuba. Having suffer poverty as a result of hurricane David in 79, I know first hand how this storms can affect our lives. My father died 5 months after this, due in part to the despair this storm brough our family. I do not wish that anguish to no one.
My mom did the exact thing with my bird. I was 17, helping a friend move, and told her i couldn't leave yet when she called to tell me to come home. Minutes later, the bird "accidentally" got out the front door.
I'm 40 and i haven't talked to her in over 20 years. Not just for this incident, but it's definitely a defining one.
the "C.U. l t" visual is so clever man!!! The quality of these videos are outstanding
I thought it was the other C word directed at the mother hahhaa
I can't fully put into words how illuminating these two videos have been. My former mum is almost exactly the same. I'd like to lie to myself and say she wasn't like that, that she was nowhere near as bad. And by the sounds of it, she wasn't, not quite. But the similarities are striking, and the things she's done to me and my family are nonetheless unforgivable.
The part that stood out to me the most was the final part, the denial. I'd moved to low contact with her as no contact isn't yet feasible, but I see I've been letting her back in, thinking she's really changed, though I know nothing has fundamentally changed about her, she just doesn't have the same power she used to.
Thank you for these videos, and for the whole channel, it's truly changed my life and the way I think for the better in such a way I didn't think youtube videos could.
Damn. The finer details might be different, but the outline and conflict types is eerily close. I cut my parents off (and grandparents who are the same) a long time ago, but my mother has popped out of nowehere trying to beg for my attention again with classic theatrics recently -- this video came at an amazing time for me. Thank you for the direct, thorough, compassionate reminder. Never again.
Homie, I been with you since the old days, and, fwiw, this video was a real treat. Thx for taking the time to make it. I found you long ago when atheism felt important. Here we are now accompanying you on a longer, broader journey about psychological release of an interpersonal nature. Your vid skills remain sharp, if not sharper than ever, and content-wise, you remain enthralling. Rock on, TheraminTrees (and Qualia Soup, for good measure). Rock on.
I love that line - 'when atheism felt important'. Peace.
Welp thanks youtube for completely knocking you off my radar for... non-existo knows how long, will have to go through some of your old vids to catch up.
There are worse fates than having to catch up on some TheraminTrees.
It's good to check in every year, maybe even enable notifications if you're feeling particularly antsy.
@@wrathofainz Yeah, it used to be that subscribing to somebody got you notified of every new video. Then YT turned that off, and gave us various notification levels. This may or may not be a good thing, but you do need to turn on notifications from anybody you really want them from.
Sir Sic?! In the wild?!
Hello good Sir, I believe it was because there was a significant amount of time between videos at one point. Either way, I'm glad to see these. They're really helpful and it's nice to see you here. Thank NonExisto TM for your videos as well! Have a magically enchanted day!
I had a boss that behaved much like that, and her boss was the 'sponge' who avoided confrontation and did nothing.
No surprise that the majority of our team transferred out or quit within a year or two.
I even witnessed her take out her frustrations on a new hire (who I was mentoring) at our weekly team meeting. Afterwards he asked me "What did I do?" and I told him "You did nothing wrong. She does that to everyone, today was your day to be her punching bag."
What's truly terrifying is that she is now a professional mentor/coach.
Yay women in the workforce...
those types often get into leadership building/executive training type positions - this is the natural fallout of a capitalist system of organization. ruthless profit building is the number 1 priority, so sociopaths are elevated to messianic status in our current civilization. the most abusive people i have ever met - and i've been in a cult - referred to themselves as "life coaches" and do corporate leadership/team trainings. look at tony robbins, famous woman beater and gaslighter, raking in millions doing executive leadership retreat workshops for decades. this is what capitalism IS.
@@habibishapurdon't make this about something it's not
@@matthewtao4545 letting go of the propaganda is the same process as leaving an abusive relationship. I don't blame you for remaining stuck.
@@habibishapur positioning yourself as more enlightened doesn't make you seem any smarter it just makes you look like an asshole
while i doubt you're willing to be convinced otherwise, i'd encourage any readers to look into "the will to change" by bell hookes, which delves into why viewing women (or anyone in fact) as anything other than an equal is a barrier to truly loving them as people, as partners, or as friends
*Consistently the same ; **_excellent_** .*
Calm measured, rational logic laid out in an easy to understand manner.
And pinning it down, to personal real world experiences, gives it extra impact.
_A pleasure to watch._
I lost my mom 2 years ago… how awful it is to feel free of your own mother, to grieve what you never had 😢
I’m very grateful I out lived her. 🤷♀️
Ty Link, my imposter parent told me a few weeks ago he’s not doing well. This expression and art will help greatly, when the time comes.
I wish you strength Jimmy.
Wishing you strength
Thank you for uploading this. The last few weeks, I found your channel and it helped me eventually move out of my house after a domestic abuse dispute between my Mom's abusive boyfriend and I just a week ago. I even called the police on him and he went to jail the same night!!! I am only 18, and am on my way to college this fall, but thankfully, your channel had helped me find the strength and self respect to push me over the finish line and stop enduring the abuse I had been the last 6 and a half years. Thank you for your content. (P.S, I am in great hands, by the way. My lovely girlfriend's friend is hosting me at her home, and her parents treat me like their own. Real loving people are out there, everyone. Just need to find them C: )
Thank you for all your videos. They are profound and revealing to my own past. I had the same type of parents. My mother was a toxic narcissistic bully loaded with verbal and physical abuse, and father a wimpy man unable to stand up to her. My adult years were met with constant religious judgement while exposing stories of her terrible childhood to me. She also never got the parallel between her childhood and her behavior towards me. I tried to endure for the sake of my family, despite her on and off shunning me. Cutting them off was the only solution. It was the only way to heal. Good job becoming a therapist, you will be a great help to people like us who were wounded in childhood.
Thank you for telling this story. I long to get to this point where I feel nothing much. What you say about she was never talking to you, and you were never talking to her, that really resonates. Finally. I was just the part my mother wrote. That part was grateful and optimistic and had no feelings. If the real me had a visible reaction to anything hurtful I was instantly shamed into silence and excluded. That's where I am now, the scapegoat. But it's no longer just them excluding me. I'm beginning to rise above my exclusion.
Good luck for the healing and your future.
Thank you for turning your experiences into such high-quality content.
Several family pets met untimely, gruesome ends due to my malignant narcissist “father”. He died after 8 years of no contact and isn't missed, unlike the animals he neglected and abused to death.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's heartbreaking to see our little animal friends tormented.
"You THINK too much" got me.
Like the first one, this is as if you were watching my entire relationship with my step mother.
I can't believe how similar all of this is.
The pain in watching these videos is harsh, but liberating.
Thank you so much for making this.
Thanks very much! Yes, it's that old 'Do abusers all use the same handbook?' feeling isn't it. Glad you found watching a liberating experience! Peace.
Quoting the absolute classic from this channel:
"People, who don't want you to think, are never your friend."
Every damn time I listen to stories about narcissists I realise in the end that they are all the same. The extent of how alike they all are still surprises and shocks me for some reason. They truly are empty shells of a person. Thank you for sharing this with us, I realised a thing or two about my own narcissistic mother that I hadn't yet.
I long for the day I'll feel nothing much about my covert narcissistic mom. After 16 years of no contact, whenever I think about her I still feel some anger and resentment. So many parallels in TT's story to mine.
You've described my exact childhood. Except our "Rags" was my younger brother and she basked in the sympathy she got for killing him for a decade. Thank you for making this video.
I'm sorry. That's horrendous.
Jesus Christ.
I was deeply saddend by the ending of this video. It's tragic seeing your abusive imposter continue to poison everything, even with Walter, to the bitter end. While you have fully distanced and detatched yourself from the situation, the situation itself evokes a deep sorrow. I'm going to have to sit with this one. I'm not sure if it's the story of your abusers and their end that is making me feel this way, or if it's something hitting closer to home.
Thank you for your continued excellent and poignant videos. They inspire me very much as I start my journey to becoming a Psychologist myself.
I've been waitingggggggg😭✊part one resonated so deeply with me. Thank you Theramintrees,you have no idea how pivotal you have been to my process of developing critical thinking. Eternally grateful ❤
This was very good.
I think I first realized what my mom-ster TRULY was when my brother died by his own hand. Instead of grieving the loss of her only son, she spoke terribly of him and complained bitterly about how his death made her social standing in the community decrease. She called me up almost every night for a year crying, not for him, but for herself.
2 decades later, when my long suffering dad died, I vowed that I would not allow her to use me as her emotional crutch. I grieved him but I also finally grieved having an imposter for a mother. I had iron clad boundaries with her.
Now she gets the same reaction, time and energy as any other human on this planet. I feel nothing for her; good or bad.
I've been a part of this channel for a long time - you may even remember speaking to me once or twice through Patreon back when I could afford it... (Raised in a cult, talked with you about finding a quality therapist for me and my fiance, was worried about overly dominating her because she's a pleaser and I came from a similarly bad household...)
Glad to see you're still doing well, and being able to be a part of this - you working your way through your own problem with us, as you've often helped us work through our own.
I hope these videos helped you work through this issue. Thanks for everything, and I look forward to all your future uploads. Always insightful, and great visuals.
I hope you found a quality therapist. When you find someone you can really work with, it can be transformative can't it. Peace.
Yo dude, thank you SO SO SO much for these amazing videos and all the hard work you’ve put into them. You’ve helped open my eyes to just how miserable and ableist my folks were to me growing up; I was diagnosed with autism from a young age and they essentially used it as justification to treat me like a fucking vegetable. Sister being parentified to “keep me in line”, younger brother being allowed to harass me however much he wanted, but if I “reacted” or “gave them trouble” (really just standing up for myself) I was the one punished; I was beaten, socially isolated for my “immaturity”, had my belongings taken away for long periods of time, and really was just never allowed the time or space to develop into my own person. On several occasions, they even threatened to throw me into foster care.
Even now they will neither sincerely apologise nor make amends for their destructive behaviour, let alone even acknowledge it. And I don’t care; I’ve been carving out my own path in healing and coming to terms with the fact that I got dealt a crappy hand in the family department. I also am about to finish my bachelor’s degree and feel much freer than ever to do so. Here’s to a life without constant clusterBfuckery.
Hell yeah, man. While I am merely a stranger on the internet, I *am* proud of you, even if your family may not be. I'd like to at least express solidarity on that! Carving your own path, despite others' best efforts to stop you, is very admirable. Good luck on that bachelor's degree! You've got this.
that sucks so much and it's really hard to accept that some popele just get shitty families through the luck of the draw. there's no real satisfying way to soothe the emptiness you feel when you see a normal functioning family and reflect on your own. that being said you learn things on your own you simply have no access to within a functioning family so i can only hope that some of the damage is mitigated for you. we deserve better, but choosing found families and connecting to the world we live in is the right thing to do either way.
@@drfranklive2222you are right about there being “no easy way to fill in the void.” C-PTSD is one of those mental conditions that does require lifelong treatment and it’s very much hard to come by nowadays
When I started watching your videos a few years ago, I was still in the process of going no contact with my abusive anti-parent as the final step of physical detachment from her. In April, between the upload of this video and part 1, I finally managed to explicitly tell her about my decision, that it was final and irreversible, and that if she didn't accept those boundaries, I'd be willing to take legal measures. That was my goodbye to her. After sending the message, I realized I hadn't felt such relief in years. I've finally closed the most horrific chapter of my life with my own hands - No, it's a new book altogether. Finally, after swearing to my child self that I would one day lead my own life in which the imposter would not exist, I was able to keep that promise. It's almost surreal to me at times.
Along my journey, your videos have always been a great source of insight and support. I'm glad you've eventually come to a place of indifference to your abuser as well. I wish you and QualiaSoup all the best.
My dad died about two years ago. Although there was some level of emotional reconciliation towards the end, what I was most sad about was my lack of sadness. He had a medically assisted death and while it was emotional at the moment, the only times after that I experienced grief was when I dwelt on my lack of grief. I grieved the person he wasn't and the relationship we never had far more that the man that did die and the real relationship that was gone.
Why did he have a medically assisted death? I don't understand euphemisms at times
@@user-zu1ix3yq2w It's not a euphemism. Due to being at the end stage of terminal cancer he opted for a medically assisted death. Basically he was given drugs in two stages that first knocked him out completely and then a second that stopped his heart. In the hospital, administered by a doctor with his full consent after a complete medical and psychological assessment a few days before. Call it medically assisted $uic1de if you like.
Also, I just realized hours after the fact, that the point about abusive parents actually being weak underneath is so true.
My dad was religiously and emotionally manipulative and abusive, and one day when I was 18 or 19 I just got so fed up and wrote him an email, basically dressing him down and pulling his shit behavior to me throughout my life up to that point and basically shoving it in his face.
He told me that he was in the fetal position and didn't leave his house for 2 days when he read my scathing email. And I was personally just like ....okay? I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? lmao I don't.
I just turned 31, and we're still no contact. Because I wrote that letter in my late teens as I said, and when I was around the age of 21 or 22, I once got a text message from him asking why I don't talk to him. And I told him again and no uncertain terms the kind of person he was and that I don't want him to be around if he's going to act that way. They act like they never get an explanation, or even several explanations as to their apartment behavior and how it affects the other person and don't think why they might not want to be around them. Turns out being around people who make you feel bad feels bad!
But of course, I'm supposed to be the forgiving one and defer to love for their parent. Fuck that.
I know how you feel. My own mom was not exactly abusive, but she didn't treat me the greatest. I tried, numerous times, to bring up that I didn't like the way she was treating me/the choices she made, but every single time I got brushed off, and sometimes her wife would turn around and try to make me feel guilty for it. Then when I finally got sick of pretending to be a happy family (since that was clearly the only conduct she would accept) and told my mom off for abandoning and neglecting and sidelining me for over a decade, she acted like she'd never had any idea about any of it. She's still in denial even after more than a year of me spelling out to her exactly why what she did was screwed up and hurtful.
Like you said, they act like they never get an explanation even when they've gotten several (and honestly, there are some things that shouldn't NEED explanation imo). and then they get paralyzed when you calling them out on their terrible behavior causes even a fraction of the pain that their behavior caused you. smh
They have children to take care of them. They think they're popping out little surrogate mommies and daddies who will fix them without them having to lift a finger. As you said, fuck that.
I hate the little reversal they do, where you calling them out or just stating your preferences and taking up space as a human being turns into "You're bullying me, I'm so hurt". It's like soccer (or football) players taking a dive when you brush past them. They construct themselves out of eggshells so that if you ever defend yourself, they break and act like it's your fault.
You might be interested in knowing that them acting like they never get explanations is a common, observed phenomena. Check out "The Missing Missing Reasons" (and everything else on that site, it's all gold). It's a short read and very captivating.
Beautifully presented as always, and thank you for providing such a deep window into the issues & abuse from your past, your unique perspective as both a therapist and a patient has taught us all so many lessons in understanding abuse, manipulation, indoctrination & mental-health overall ❤️
The wisdom you've shared has doubtless helped to save & improve many lives at this point, and helped to improve public awareness of how abuse functions in our world.
I'm so glad I found this channel, like many people here I've learned so much from your work!
I know these videos are huge undertakings and you have a life outside of doing them, so not surprised this one took some time. Very happy to see the final result, though.
I made a comment a couple days ago but I wanted to make another. When I watched this video for the first time I was very curious to learn what the final piece of the puzzle would be. When I reached that point in the video, "unreachable," my heart sank. All the years believing a lie, working on building a healthy relationship with your mother but she was not interested in making the changes to make a true connection possible. Like you said, you had never really spoken to her and she had never spoken to you. You walked through hell and back to learn all the lessons showcased in this two-part series. Decades worth of pain and growth condensed in under an hour and a half, all of which I can watch for free. This is such an enormous privilege. A million times, thank you.
Your water analogy is absolute poetry. Thank you, as always, for such insightful and deeply thought provoking videos.
ROUND TWO BAYBEEEEEE
Edited: wow. What a journey. To realize that she was projecting onto you your whole life, just missing that one connection that brought it all together... That must have been liberating. Enjoy your freedom. This was worth the wait!
I've been waiting for this video since the last one came out.
I have an almost identical story as the dog story, but with birds. I went to go with her "to a friends house" I'm sure she was getting drugs and I stayed in the car. While I was waiting a lady came out of another apartment with a cage full of finches and asked if I wanted some. I told her to ask my mom (I was probably about 16 or at the time?) and so she did when she came out of her "friends" house. Despite the fact that the obvious answer was "I don't know how to take care of a bird" she took SIX of them from this woman and a cage and seed.
She then proceeded to be jealous of my "songbirds" so I saved up some money and went to get her a beautiful blue parakeet for mothers day. She left the front door open and the neighbors dog walked directly into her room and... opened the cage to eat the bird? What? Okay so it was a horrific accident, maybe? A few weeks later she took my birds outside to "get some fresh air" where the "wind blew the cage over and the door must have opened".
That's horrible! 😢💔
some people are children who never grow up, and then they have children whom they harm. that fucking sucks that your mom was such a piece of shit.
Honestly I despise people that are jealous of the attention received by people dying, that is one of the most disgusting things to be jealous of
its an odd way to exist, to think that way i mean. like i wonder if they ever know what its like to feel a real emotional connection
I admire your ability to put up a wall between you and your mother SO YOUNG. It took me til my 40s to even begin to try.
An excellent video, and once again I'm honored to be mentioned in the opening credits!
This is a chilling tale. For me, the most striking thing is when you discovered that she had spent years pretending to be a reformed trauma victim, when in fact she had never changed at all. The sheer depth of the Imposter's darkness is unfathomable.
I'm very glad that you managed to survive and thrive despite being raised in such a terrible household.
As I've mentioned before, my abusers were much more subtle than what's shown here. Therapists have affirmed that their behavior was abusive and wrong, and we've speculated on some of the internal dynamics that must have motivated them. But even though I've learned so much, I still feel bewildered to some extent.
You might say that I was trained in self-abuse at an early age. Instead of going through countless episodes of my mother screaming at me, I went through countless episodes of silently screaming at myself, trying to force myself to be a better child, especially when it came to getting good grades in school. Maybe that's a major part of why the abuse is so hard to trace: So much of it appears to be self-inflicted, even though ultimately it was coming from outside.
Another confusing aspect is the large number of positive moments we had together, especially in my early years. That surely fueled my denial.
It's a lot to think about. I hope someday I'll be able to leave it all behind me as effectively as you did with your own past.
Thank you for making this.
Hey Sonicsuns. Thank you. Yes, more subtle insidious abusers can often create very complex experiences of bewilderment, self/reality questioning can't they - because, as you note, there's less obviously abusive behaviour to point to. I'm glad you got a handle on the fact it did come from the outside. Peace.
I struggle mostly because I just don't remember anything. Soon I'll have therapy, hopefully that will clear things up
all i know is that i'm very uncomfortable around my parents.
This is my DAd's life's work too. To KEEP MUM SWEET. I have him programmed into my phone ''he just works here''
Wow.
I think I understand, maybe for the first time, how things seemed "OK" for a while between my mother and I. For a period of about 6 years I was in forgiveness mode, thinking that she had got better and that things were getting better between us, then I felt like things were going backwards. I think I understand now that I was just trying to put the positive spin on things to deny that things were pretty much consistent for all of my life that I can remember.
Even your description of the mind games is so eerily spot on to my experiences, and the random criticisms thrown in every so often. For years I would just make a sort of internal justification like "she's just set in her ways" or "she thinks she's being helpful, she doesn't understand how hurtful that is." Over the last couple of years when I've been thinking more rationally I have realised that *of course* any person would realise that this is hurtful.
Thanks so much for making this video, and for convincing me to give actual therapy a shot with all of your work.
1) Great, very insightful video! As a school psychologist, I only see part of these relationships in my limited time (what with being tasked with far too many school assessments and not enough counseling time with the kids), so it is always great to hear from folks in the more clinical setting.
2) I think what people like your mother exemplify is one of my greatest fears about people in general: That some people can, indeed, carry on all the way into old age and die, still having remained stuck in the same toxic and underdeveloped patterns that they exhibited when they were much younger. I think many of us want to believe in the humanistic view, that when provided the resources and opportunities, people trend towards self-actualization. It is harrowing to think that even when provided thousands of opportunities to better themselves, some people will truly just dig their heels and utterly refuse any self reflection.
Yes, as much as I love the work of people like Carl Rogers - profoundly perceptive - I think it's really important, perhaps especially in psychological professions, to acknowledge what you note: it doesn't work with everyone. There has to be awareness and motivation. Without them, endless resources and opportunities count for very little.
I really appreciate the way you word your experiences. I always thought, because I wasn't frequently physically abused, or severely neglected, that everything was fine, until it was not. Your visuals also genuinely add something really special to your videos. Thank you.
I just decided to forgive my parents a few days earlier, after all the emotional turmoil I've been through, because I realized they're deeply emotional deficit. I thought maybe I could finally move on. But after watching this I realized I might have just been in the same folly as well. Trauma is not one's fault but it is one's responsibility. If they don't try to make a change, make a therapy visit or don't even say sorry, they do not deserve more emotional contact other than forgiveness. And it's definitely not their children's responsibility to cater for them, to help them.
I'm just glad and grateful you're willing to share your experience with all of us. I feel angry and sad and relived at the same time. I suppose it means a lot to you as well
Thank you for these videos, part 1 and 2. Since my dad died in February, l have gone no- contact with my malignant narcissist abusive mother. Now l am ready to detach. There is nothing in her for me to connect with, only hate, venom, spite and delusion. My dad was all she and l had in common. Now he's gone and our relationship is over. As you say, she never saw me as a real person. After 33 years of continuing therapy l am finally coming into my own personhood and discovering myself. Your videos have helped my journey. Thank you!!
Excellent work! I did notice that your old and new work conveyed different feelings on your anti-parents, thanks for coming forward about what prompted that shift in perspective.
Oh damn, have I been in danger of forgetting the past and reestablishing contact lately. It's like you get a little bit of distance from your abusers in early adulthood and think "Oh, I'm mentally healthy enough to handle them now. Maybe I'd be able to help them." And...no. You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Edit: I also highly relate to the "rewarding good behavior and calling out bad behavior if I am going to have an adult relationship with the abuser" stage. It's like turning a human relationship into a endless session of dog training. In a way, it's disrespectful to the abuser to expect them to behave like a dog and also disrespectful to yourself to tolerate a relationship that is only able to operate within the confines of a dog/dog trainer paradigm. And it's just exhausting, being on guard with a response to the bad behavior ready to go at all times.
Love your take!
The Tyrant once ran over a kitten of ours, as she sped off pissed at one of my siblings for not having done the dishes.
she then blamed us for not checking her tires first.
i discovered the poor mess of a thing when doing my chores, taking out the garbage.
I am not in contact with any of them anymore, as the whole family was a horrible mess, but that memory still haunts me from time to time.
the poor little thing. Capernacus, we called him.
I'm sorry. 😪
@@sananselmospacescienceodys7308
thank you.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
thank you for caring, strangers.
its actually scaring me a bit how common these stories are. i get narcisistic parents, but i thought TheraminTrees' mom was more extreme. this running over pets thing seems so common looking at the comment section.
I know this story is very serious and heavy but I can't help but laugh at the ultra cursed image at 29:07. Just the way the Imposter thinks an old woman salting some food is a malicious troll is both funny and really sad.
another life-changing video. it's truly insane how you somehow manage to so consistently make entertaining, thought provoking long videos
I’ve never been so excited for a UA-cam part 2 in my life!
I remember when I became aware that I was more emotionally mature than my parents.
For my mother, it was when I hurt my leg. I told her, because a wounded child wants comfort from their parents. I remember she didn't listen to me or notice how I was feeling; she just kissed it (despite my discomfort) and said "Does it feel better?", in a tone that I could see was clearly fishing for compliments. I said yes, then left to handle the pain on my own. I realized that she wasn't actually capable of empathy or understanding, and only cared about putting on the image of a mother. She was, on the inside, a child who never grew out of mothering dolls, and I was just a tool for her to play the role for herself. I wasn't a person in her eyes. I was five, and she was mentally younger; so around four. I eventually started learning to dress my own wounds, starting by experimenting with grasses; instead of playing with them by weaving them like other kids, I was trying to bandage scrapes. It's fun how growing up with these people thoroughly seeps into every aspect of your childhood and ruins it.
For my father, it was when he would fall into a cycle of no-win criticisms and anger. First, I needed to play more with friends. Then, I was bullying him by talking to my friends too loudly and by staying inside the house too much. Then, I needed to get outside more. Then, I was bullying him for not being around him enough. Then, I needed to play more with friends. On and on in an endless loop. I still remember vividly where I stood, looking in the mirror, as I broke down his cycle and realized that there was no winning. I was around eight, he was more than forty years old, and he was as mature as maybe a six year old.
I also remember when I was burdened with fixing the family. At five, I already knew that something was dearly and grievously wrong, even if it would take me another fifteen years to identify the cause. I remember the constant weight of adult worry I carried with me to and from school. I not only had to raise myself by observing other children and emulating them (which left me around two years behind my peers, socially speaking), I had to manage the emotions and drama of two nominally grown adults. Listening to my dad's ranting about work conflicts and being yelled at for not having a good enough solution, gently comforting my mom from her anxiety and satisfying her need to feel like a good parent. I decided, from observing how close the neighbor's families were, that the solution would be to have a brother! So I asked my mom, who somehow relented and actually had another child. I had so many plans for the games we could play, and how we could be a happy family. I got a few years into the plans before the first thick smog of depression subsumed me. I very nearly died. I walked the very edge of a cliff every day for damn near ten years.
Unfortunately, there's no fixing them. They could go to therapy and work on themselves, but they haven't and they won't. If I can be poetic for a moment, the narcissism will leave their bodies alongside their souls. So long as they draw breath they will never change, and I've just had to accept that, hard as it was. I pushed myself to get good grades in high school with absolutely no help (my father once went nuclear because he couldn't understand my fourth-grade math textbook). I was the one giving relationship advice to my mother regarding her friends, the one helping my dad through his conflicts at work because he never learned to shut his yap, the one taking care of my brother while being accused of bullying and harassing and even trying to murder my family (because my mom bumped into me and almost fell, I was "trying to kill her and my brother" and I needed to tell him "Why do you want to kill them?!").
The emotional abuse is their drug. They're addicts and they won't stop unless you can pry it from their hands; and the moment you turn around they'll start again. Don't let your friend who steals copper into your house or he'll rob you blind for his addiction; don't let emotionally immature and self-absorbed people into your life or they'll steal all your joy for the tiniest high for themselves.
Listening to her antics is exhausting enough. Cant imagine living throught that.
This video is so relatable and eye opening. The two faced nature of my mother is especially visible now. She could laugh and smile while with people, and then when they left she would complain about the meal and them with me around.
Everyone though that she was the poorest alcoholic wife, but her beatings, her guilt trips, her control, her putting herself above us, telling me to not argue with her, that she is above me, that I will get more punishment if I cried. It was invisible to the outside world.
BTW. My father killed our family dog. He didnt like him. One time he threw him outside the window from first flor. The other time he took him to the woods and shot. No mention of the dog afterwards.
I'm glad you no longer have to deal with the imposter's nonsense. Some people just don't deserve to be missed. Amazing upload as always, and I hope you're taking care of yourself!
*I'm so glad I never had to **_deal with a psycho parent_** .*
My childhood wasn't perfect, but I greatly enjoyed it, and can't complain.
I was very sensitive as a child & this kind of shit would have simply crushed me.
*What a huge obstacle to overcome.*
Thank you for taking the time to recount your experiences and growth from your abusive past with your 'dear mother.' My mother is in her 80's and I have often wondered how her death will be processed. I am extreme low contact with her, due to the toxic nature of interactions. But my heart is so thankful for you sharing your winding and brutally honest path to freedom. ❤
My mom mind-game'd me once when we moved to a smaller apartment and she had a blow-up mattress she was convinced I popped out of anger when it was obviously the large husky that she let excitedly jump up and down on her mattress. When I didn't admit to her accusation of wrong-doing, I was accused of being a liar too. When I refused to admit to having popped the mattress or admit to lying, she lost it, and after working me up to sobbing on the floor and being unable to speak because I was having a panic attack, she said with such hatred in her voice that I should just go cut myself if I'm so upset, pointing to the bathroom door.
Of course, I only cried harder, making her disgusted with me. My spineless dad managed to step in and meekly express his disapproval, at which point she furiously stormed out of the apartment and didn't return, opting to sleep in a hotel because WE had pissed her off so much. I called a friend and slept over, not telling my parents where I was going. When I entered their house late at night on a school night, I thanked my friends mom with tears and she kindly waved it off, telling me she knows some households need to be escaped from.
She never killed a pet, but she made me get rid of my cat we'd had for seven years because we got a puppy and she decided "it's too much hair" and "I think the cat is sick, anyways. We can't afford to take care of it." I was heartbroken. My dad jokingly called when on the way to drop off my cat to the shelter, offering to bring her back. I broke down further at the cruelty, and still don't forgive them for making my cat the inconvenience after getting TWO HAIRY BREED DOGS after her.
During the six months since part one, it happened to me from time to time to go "wonder when part two is coming out" and some of those times I actively checked on your channel just in case I missed the upload, which does happen since I don't allow push notifications on any app that isn't whatsapp or telegram, where I am expected to be reachable to family and friends.
Well, let me just say that this isn't something that happens a lot to me. I generally leave alone channels I follow and just watch/listen to their stuff whenever it pops up, I very rarely go actively checking for new uploads and most of the times I did in the past six months it was looking for this specific video.
I started following this channel a long time ago, when QualiaSoup was still active and the main focus of this channel was religion. The slow shift in focus towards the psychological aspects of abusive relationship, sometimes through the lens of cults, has helped me a lot navigating things in my life in ways that very few internet personalities would ever have been able to.
I'm really happy that, however rarely, you still upload videos. They are always some of the best that UA-cam has to offer and every once in a while I go back and listen to your old uploads. Can't wait for your next video sometime in the next ten months
I'm very familiar with this dynamic, so when you recounted standing up to her "going green" mind game, I couldn't help but openly cheer. That's so empowering and satisfying.
This is the best channel on UA-cam. Art isn't a competition but your videos are just too high quality.
It took me until I was around 38 years old to realize much of the information from this video and to realize one ultimate truth about my birth family. No matter what I said or did they would never change!
Sadly my brother and sister did not follow me on my journey and I had to do it all alone. My whole blood family including aunts cousins, etc. has given me the silent treatment. It has been about 6 years and through therapy and mourning the loss of my birth family it is getting easier. I am indifferent most days and on an occasional day such as when I watch these videos I feel a deep sadness still at the loss of what could have been.
Thanks for these videos! They have been insightful and uplifting :)
There was a moment of hope in the story that I knew wouldn't last yet had hoped, again, that it would. This video only strengthened my knowing of my ultimate truth about my parental figures, that there is nothing I can ever say or do to "fix" them.
The part of the video that was most helpful for me was when it said "I realized throughout my decades of interactions with her, she was never talking to me she was talking to a fantasy she had concocted. Just as she was never talking to me I was never talking to her. I was never talking to a real person just a performance of a person." This helps in the realization that even if contact were to resume and it were magically able to be "fixed" nothing would be there to get back.
Thank you for this video. Although never formally diagnosed, and I am not a clinician -- I still feel I know enough through my own research to know my mother is a malignant narcisissist. Many of the behaviours you describe, she espoused. It's almost like they're made in the same factory. Different model, some different features, same core operating system. I left home at 15 because I simply couldn't take it anymore -- I'm 35 now, and have been NC for years. I'm still working through the things she put me through and how she warped my concept of receiving love. I've come a long way, but there's still a lot to do. Your channel has helped me with a lot of my processing. As I'm sure you know, therapy waiting lists are very long in the UK, and I hope to speak to someone professional about it for the first time soon. Thanks for all the work you do.
Thinking about the fact that parts one and two combined are movie length in runtime - and this is still just a summary with only the most pivotal and essential parts
Oh. you knew my Mom. You must have, you described her perfectly. No one cried at her funeral. Not one of us.
I have had a very similar experience with a parent as well, and oddly enough, your first video came a few months after going no contact, and your second video came a few months after her passing. The first has been a point of reference to me through the ordeal, allowed me to evaluate my own feelings and understand them, I suppose. I tried to connect with her up to two weeks before she passed, and welp, I felt there was hope, but as I spent more and more time with her, the bad patterns resurfaced, like, supercharged! It quickly jolted me back to reality and I had to step away. I'd say I did grieve, but I grieved more what could've been than what really was, if that makes sense. In any case, I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience, it made and will make understanding mine easier. c:
I never expected you to actually speak the word "trolling". I love it.
Omg, every one of your videos is a Christmas gift! ❤❤❤
Thank you for your info❤❤
It really helps me and other abuse victims so much🎉
You're a hero for putting it online!❤