Amazing the things people will say in private with no witnesses, and then claim are misquoted, out of context, were a joke/sarcasm, weren’t said “like THAT”, and so on later. Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded… 😕
@@misspat7555 yes and no, i would personally be a LOT more by my self, alone and without anyone if EVERYTHING i did was recorded. i would not be able to abuse or to be abused, just left behind by a society that watches my every move when i am with someone. some things i also dont want to be recorded, there are conversations i have had that i would never say the things i said or be in to begin with had it been recorded, not due to rudeness but with the idea that what i am saying is personal, and is not meant to be listened to by anyone but that person. i see your point but in practice it just does not work. if it were to be done it would have to be by a very authoritarian government, and in that case it would be like china, soviet russia or 1960's cuba, anyone who says anything negative against its leader, will be tortured, arrested or killed. it would be the "big brother is always watching" thing.
@@JackCriticalwhat you describe is what Roman Catholicism for 2 decades was like for me. I am still trying to be alone in my head in my 50's now (decades long since those formative years).
@@yippieskippy2971 yep, indoctrination at a young age sure is effective, hope you can find a way to be at peace by yourself, as this is hard to get over. best wishes from me
@@misspat7555 "Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded…" Recording everything would make everything subject to public opinion. But sometimes public opinion is wrong.
@@businessman3606one of the classics, I have to listen to it anytime I hear it referenced. First heard it after reading trivia about NIN songs, and seeing it was referenced in Starfuckers Inc. Pretty jarring to go from Trent Reznor to Carly Simons, but that might be why I love it so much, now. It's funny to imagine a Woodstock 94' Trent singing 70's pop, covered in mud. Unironically a bop.
Relatable and thoughtful as always. I am a 26 year old person. My mom recently stole my passport and framed it as those she was helping me. That I was not capable of handling it (infantilization). Then when I needed it for an application she would not give it to me. After exhausting my options I called the police who were able to get me the passport. I was then told that I was at fault for destroying my relationship with my mother by other members of the family. This is one incident in a line of controlling and infantilizing behavior by my mother. Thank you for educating me on the malignant behavior I had and my family still has.
Holy shit that's crazy. It's hard to understand how some people can be so insanely deluded, controlling, abusive and yet so self-absorbed they can't even process that maybe they're not the victim and that maybe they did something wrong.
You did the right thing. If you try time and time again to establish your own boundaries, especially as an adult, and they are not honored by your parents, the next step is to rightfully assert those boundaries with those parents, even if it means by legal means. If they have demonstrated that they are beyond reason and showing that level of respect towards you, forcing them to do so by very adult means becomes all the more necessary.
@@seanjaycox3530 Just remember the same people that force you to assert these healthy boundaries in the first place will likely be the first to cry about how somehow they're real ones being victimized and that you're the one who's really the bad guy. Which is exactly what it sounds like happened with the above passport situation. The mother couldn't admit she did something crazy wrong.
I'm in the same boat. My grandfather, a WW2 vet, gave me his side arm he carried with him in battle. He gave it to me on his death bed. My mother stole the gun and has convinced everyone in the family that she has a good reason for doing so. I wouldn't dare take her to court because I think someone in my family would probably try to kill me for it, either that or ostracize me completely, a banishment for life. Thankfully I live 1200 miles away from them.
It is necessary to self reflect and to break the cycle of abuse, otherwise we turn into those kind of people that tend to say things like: "I was beaten as a child, but it didn't harm me!"
Yep, in the past when people have come out with that line 'I was whipped/caned/beaten as a child and it didn't do me any harm', I've sometimes responded, '....aside from making you think it's okay to beat children’.
I was violently abused as a child. However, compared to my family's emotional abuse, which has all but ruined my life for decades, and from which I may never recover, the beatings were pretty trivial.
@@TheraminTrees People not grasping how a changed or developed mindset/thought process as a result of what happened to you growing up is in fact "harm", is beyond me. Harm doesn't have to just manifest as mental or physical scars. It can impact the way you think and go about life, and god forbid the cycle repeats again because those mindsets are left unacknowledged. Excellent response.
For sure. My brother left due to the man who caused my birth this Christmas. He can't handle me being gay and I ran off just before I was eighteen. He called me a slur (the gay one) and so my brother left. He does not want to stare into the abuse now that he has a daughter.
@@n0etic_f0x And yet, that poison of the homophobia and such will always linger. Luckily, it's his burden to bear, but it's not easy to leave it to those who bear the responsibility.
@@bluejay7058 true, my brother was so upset. I mean I left back in 2005, he is still like this and still I want to fault someone else. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s his fault and that’s why I don’t go back for Christmas but I just don’t want to say he is why he can’t see his granddaughter. I mean he is but… that still sucks to say.
You start grieving the death of a person the moment you realize they aren’t/weren’t who you thought/needed them to be. It’s possible to be completely through all stages of grief before someone’s corporeal form dies.
Well said. It took me almost three years to fully come to terms with what my "parent" was, did to me, and tried to mold me into. I cut contact a couple years back and have been able to live a much more pleasant life for it.
One of my father's favorite lines when talking about my mother was, "You've just got to roll with the punches." After I gained a bit of insight, after he repeated his favorite line, I finally said, "Dad, there shouldn't BE any punches!" He was a little shocked, and actually considered my words for a bit. Of course he didn't really do anything about it, after decades of marriage to the monster, but it felt validating to have reached him in some small way.
My big line was,” if you want your future son in law to abuse me, then keep treating mom like this. This was after he told me that I didn’t love him and was after his money. Something that my family of 4 abusers always held over my head. I’m sorry that I had agoraphobia at 16 because of your abuse. What an inconvenience!!!!
Btw, my mom betrayed me again after this and I’m finally free. I’m so thankful that I left. I was showing narcissistic tendencies. BREAK THE CHAIN BREAK THE CHAIN BREAK THE CHAIN BREAK THE CHAIN!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I was the golden child in my narcissistic family. I feel horrible about it, even after apologizing to my sister (the scapegoat) and my father (the enabler). I felt so angry towards them and now I know why. I wanted my sister to "stop making my mother sad" and my father "to stand up and do something". It has been a long journey of healing and I'm not even close to peace of mind but knowledge is the best thing ❤
Same, but I was the one who denied and pushed away my parents because they kept abusing and not loving my sister and i recognized that. I saw it many many years before she was able to, but she's since recognized and even found love herself and will probably be moving out in a few months. Advancement IS possible, even if it seems like you'll be stuck forever.
@@john-ic5pzI felt guilty towards him. He was also a victim and tried to stay away from the abuse. But I know now he's weak and did nothing to help us. Today I don't really care about him but I'm at peace with myself in that regard.
There were literally moments in this where I had to pause, just, hand over my mouth… there were so many times I thought I was crazy as a kid and teenager, and with lasting memory issues from the abuse, I chalked those childhood incidents up to the same. But I wasn’t misremembering, she was gaslighting me. It was just another facet of her abuse. Through middle and high school, I “proudly” identified as a psychopath/sociopath because she called me such awful things and accused me of evil deeds so often, I used it as my shield. Thank you for yet another help in taking this step in my road to recovery.
Omg i very much feel this too. I'd tell them i was upset about something, and they straightup would tell me that never happened. I shared this with friends, noticed they could confirm later that did infact happen. I started documenting these events, and confirmed through that that indeed I wasn't the crazy one.
None of my narcissist father's offspring shed a tear for him. Though we all had nightmares for months afterwards. Probably just sorting out the past and storing it all away finally. One brother said it was healing to see him look so small and harmless. What a legacy to leave. Yes, we are over him.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, LOL. 'THIS' IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE TO HAVE AGAINST NARCISSISTS AND THE LIKE. THIS IS SUSTAINABLE ('NATURALLY', THE VIRTUE OF HUMANITY CAN ONLY BE SUSTAINED WITH THOSE WHO NATURALLY EXPERIENCE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE). EDIT: NO CODEPENDENT, NARCISSIST/EVIL-LOVING NONSENSE... THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!
I feel like that. My mother is so weak now. Still has control over everybody's thoughts mind you but I feel a little more free because she is so weak physically
I was like "Wtf is this?!?" How did this man describe the childhood of me and my brother line by line? Is there some bad parenting book that these cluster B parents share amongst each other?!? Thank you for this and I cannot wait for part 2.
Abuse is systemic . It's never an outlier but an intended disruptive result of a purposefully corrupt ideology in government such as fascism. This is why we all have such similar routes when it comes to abuse
IIRC, Cluster B mental illnesses are identifiable as such specifically because they include this recognizable and predictable pattern of emotional dysregulation and inappropriate behavior.
@@NostalgiaLoverxX Even nonreligious cluster B parent learn parenting from the same book of bad parenting as religious ones. While I'll be the first to admit the Narcissism is Strong with the God(s) (the patterns aren't hard to spot if you know narcissists), it's a larger problem than bibles and qurans and talmuds and torahs and so on...
I have borderline, and I think it's important to note that the manipulation that comes with it isn't always intentional/conscious. This doesn't negate the harm it does, but when they make a genuine effort to improve themselves and their relations, you should at least give them a little grace. It's a difficult thing to grapple with, but you're under no obligation to keep these people in your life. *Malignant* is an important word here. Acceptance is the first step to improvement, any genuine effort to improve should be encouraged. It's clear to me that it wasn't TheraminTrees' intention to paint everyone in cluster b as irredeemable, just felt the need to point that out if it's not obvious to some.
I disagree that anyone “should” be given grace. Cluster B types can frequently use feigned attempts at turning over a new leaf as a means of regaining access to a subject of their abuse or mistreatment, whether consciously or unconsciously. Grace is a gift, not a right.
@@IncredibleIceCastle while i agree with you, i think it's important to understand that ALL abusers, regardless of if they are mentally ill or what mental illness they have, will commonly do this. we should not use "cluster b" as interchangeable with "abuser."
I dont think borderline personality disorder is something you are born with. Its a personality disorder after all. If youve taken yourself down that hole then you need to realise youre causing harm to others and fix it. I used to be an impulsive liar but i never complained about people giving me grace whenever i would straight up lie in their face to make myself seem something im not.
@@gaswe9236 the specific relationship between genetic and environmental factors regarding how mental illness is developed is highly complex. just because you "don't think" someone is born with a personality disorder doesn't suddenly make that correct. regardless, just the same as you cannot "fix" depression or schizophrenia, you cannot "fix" cluster b personality disorders. the same with all mental illnesses, you can learn to cope with and manage your symptoms, and ask for accommodations where it's reasonable. people with cluster b personality disorders are not hurting people just by having a mental illness.
What I realized was that I already grieved them long ago. Losing a toxic person isn’t a loss it’s a gain. I felt relief that they couldn’t abuse me anymore.
I have never disclosed the horror of my childhood as carefully as you have done here. I’ve kept it shut behind “she was abusive,” which isn’t actually helpful to healing. Thank you for mapping a way forward.
It dawned on me in my 20s to finally open up about the myriad of abuses I've suffered. It helps on the rare cases people are receptive and ask to really hear me out. But more often than not, it's something along the lines of cutting me off with "Wow really!? Your mom's narcissistic? My whole fam is too, isn't it annoying? It's such a common thing, but let's not dwell on that negativity" followed by a topic change. Now that I'm 36, I more often than not went back to "she was abusive" just so I don't have to experience that anymore. Wish you the best in finding people in your life that helps you to heal, who try to understand you.
I had the exact same parent dynamic. The first time my spineless dad spoke up for me, when she tried to deny me access to food at 21, she punished him verbally for an hour and threw me out
My dad is a spineless foot soldier. I think, if he dies first my mother will try to be nicer to me, if she dies first, he will carry on her legacy of haughty cold shoulder.
I've been diagnosed with bpd. This video outlines a fear I have over pushing away my loved ones. I want to lead a loving life, and have a family in my future. I have a boyfriend right now who reassures me that I'm not as bad as I fear I am, and that he wouldn't be a part of a relationship he didn't enjoy. I feel grateful for his sense of agency. It prevents me from getting too far down the worry-spiral that I'm manipulative towards those around me. I've inherited alcoholism from my father. I'm currently living with him and my mom after relapsing and getting kicked out of the sober house I was living in. After that break, I find myself used to the peace I felt at the sober house and less equipped emotionally to deal with his volatility. He's an angry drunk, and outwardly self depreciates himself, expecting others around him to stroke his ego. This is true even when he's made a mistake that harms others - preventing others from standing up for themselves without running the risk of causing him to blow up. I starkly remember one night during my teenage years where I came home after having dinner with friends, to him having made soup on the stove for me. He never communicated that he was planning to do that. When I told him I just ate and was not hungry, he blew up in a tirade about how he's unappreciated, and said he might as well kill himself. Clearly, he created expectations for how the night would go without properly communicating what he wanted. Yet, I had sympathy for how he felt, and took it upon myself to talk him down. NOT my responsibility, as his child. I found myself parenting him a lot throughout childhood. I do not want to become him. I see the potential path before me. When I'm optimistic, I think I can heal and become better adjusted. When I'm pessimistic, I see him as my fate. This video reminds me of the consequences of not working through my trauma and my unstable emotions in order to create a safer environment for my family. Thank you for posting. I've watched all your videos, and only this one so far has really made me take a look at myself as the potential villian. I appreciate the opportunity for self reflection.
The mere fact that you've performed this much introspection renders you a better parent than many, as long as you always continue with this kind of voracity.
It's great to see you again! These videos really do come out at just the right time, somehow! I cannot express just how much this stuff has helped me over the years, thank you for everything!
I could have used this video when I was..... 13 or 14 6 years ago Right now it almost entirely serves as a reaffirmation of the endless thoughts and concussions I grew over the years regarding my horrid "guardian" for a mother. I didn't have a father, friends or relatives I could talk with or really relate with until last few years. Even now all my strongest bonds are with friends online. Only thing that keeps me going is the hope and knowledge that it will be better once I cut ties with her. However that might happen.
This reminds me of a certain quote from Disco Elysium (In Harry's dream where he talks to his ex-wife) : _"Oh Harry, we haven't talked in years. I don't want to hear from you. I think of you less and less as time goes on. Months go by without me remembering you. Soon it will be years. Every season that passes the light gets less clear. You were my first; The first and worst time I ever fell in love. I will always have that with me. It's a fact. But that's all it is. It's like a ticket stub, Harry. It doesn't do anything anymore."_
"the path of least resistance is not the path to peace" is amazing thank you so much. you tackle ideas that have been ricocheting around in my head, breaking things and causing chaos, and show a peaceful way to get to the other side. miraculous.
What a great reflection of your parents and your childhood. Nice that you had a brother to bounce things off of, to keep your sanity in that dysfunctional household with the narcissist and her enabler husband. I had a totally different response to the death of my psychopathic father. I had a breakdown. It turned out to be a great opportunity for me to get into therapy and get my life back on track.
Seriously. My spawnpoint isn't a narcissist, she has sociopathic traits, but she did the same shit as Theramin's. It is insane how similar the patterns are, when it is hilariously easy.. to.. just not be abusive!? Why is this something so many people find so easy to do in the same way? I'm honestly confused by that.
Cruelty for fun doesn't require much creativity, there's differences of degree, the specific abuses, but the undertones are all the same, the abuser is always "justified" the abuse is deserved, or alternatively, it was all just a misunderstanding when they get sussed out on manipulative bullshit. My mom flat out denies I had a bad childhood, I went NC because it's just not worth having poisonous people in your life. I waited far too long and it did nothing good for me, if you think you might need to cut someone loose because of physical abuse, the answer is yes.
@@stanley8006 Yes, only therapists who've experienced it first-hand understand their client's situation. The others can sometimes end up being patronizing or even enabling the abuse.
when i was very young, i had a broken arm with no cast for a few days, because my family decided i was faking for attention. i am right there with you. great video as always.
I had the same with my foot. It'll be five years since this May, and it still hurts. I'm sure that walking on it for that long made sure it didn't heal properly. It probably didn't help that once I got my boot we never returned to the doctor to check in like we should have, I just wore it for 7 weeks before my mom took it away and put it in storage.
This is pretty much my end goal with my therapy. Some of my family members have asked if I "really want" to be angry at my abuser forever. And I wasn't even angry yet when that question was asked. I'm angry now, because I've gotten mostly past the fear, guilt, and shame, and I'm finally at a point where I can look directly at my experiences and acknowledge that what he did was *wrong* and I *didn't deserve it*. But staying at this emotional place wouldn't be good for me either. Anger is *exhausting*. I want to be able to walk past my abuser at the grocery store and feel *absolutely nothing*. Like he's just another stranger existing somewhere in the world. Zero energy spent on him, mentally or otherwise.
Your desire to feel absolutely nothing is understandable because it means you are free of the anxiety of what has been done to you. Western society is not conditioned to seeking real, equalizing justice, only towards mitigating damage. "Going back to neutral". So it is not justice. The only justice is revenge. Even when you do not actually seek revenge, remember that it will always be your moral right to do so. Because if you forget that, the abuser wins.
@@Nancy20012 No. Abuse is by definition uninvited. The idea that it would make you as bad as the abuser stems from the false idea that retribution is inherently bad. However retribution (or the lasting threat thereof) is never bad when its a response to an injustice. No genuine abuse should ever go unpunished. Not acknowledging the right to retribute negates the moral integrity of the abused and is actually a form of facilitating abuse. (i.e. abusers will keep abusing as long as they get away with it).
@@Romapolitan That you disagree with it doesn't make it idiocy. In EVERY culture outside the West revenge is integral part of their justice or religious system. And there's a reason for that.
I'm not sure if you (the content creator) will ever see this comment, but if you do, I want to thank you for this video, and in advance for part two. It is as if you have an inside scoop to my life - this is more relatable than I thought any content could be. Thank you for this, and for all of your content. Your work on the JW Australian Royal Commission got my attention years back, and I've been an avid viewer ever since. Yours in one of the most important voices on the internet from my perspective. Peace to you.
Just wanna remind everyone reading this that you are not bad, sick, sinful, a monster or any other name used to dehumanise you. You do not deserve no physical, emotional, social or any other type of abuse you have been exposed to. You are a wonderful human being that deserves respect, freedom and safety, and I hope you all make it out healthy and at a better place than before.
Mother, Mother is a band that has a song called "It's Alright" and it's really reassuring and makes me tear up. Loys if folks in the comments on the uploads of that song from people about very sad situations they have survived
Friendly reminder that Theramintrees is talking about his personal experience with somone who had a Cluster B personality disorder and who was an abuser. This doesn't meant that ALL people with Cluster B personality disorders are automatically abusers, and should therefore be villified. Furthermore, this doesn't mean that Theramin is SUGGESTING that people with Cluster B disorders be villified. I believe that people with personality disorders should be awarded the same opportunities to recover and repair their mental health as anyone else. However, I also believe that victims of abuse should be able to criticise their abusers freely, and to talk about the factors that might contribute to the abuse they suffered. If you have a Cluster B disorder, you are valid. Please look for the right support to help you heal, whether that be therapy, Psychiatry, medication etc. And please try to be as honest with yourself as possible about your behaviour, only by honesty can you come to understand yourself. If you have been abused by someone with a Cluster B disorder, you are valid. Please don't blame yourself, you don't have to put up with any sort of behaviour that hurts you, just because your abuser is mentally ill. You are entitled to your pain and your anger. Please support yourself as best you can.
I really appreciate your comment, I was genuinely afraid to watch this video at first because of how frustratingly common it is for people to demonize cluster b personality disorders as inherently evil and unworthy of kindness, even those who claim to be accepting of people with mental illnesses and neurological disorders.
I was gonna say this, one of my best friends who has a disorder in the cluster b group (borderline personality disorder) also suffers from abuse from their cluster b birth giver. And I gotta say as an outsider looking in, it's gotta even rougher when you're cluster b and the person abusing you is also cluster b. My friend is the sweetest person I've ever met, you'd never guess they had bpd based on first impressions but that being said I'm also intimately aware of being villainzed for having a mental illness as I struggle with C-ptsd, OCD, and paranoid schizophrenia which are already sensationalized by pop culture as having violent and dangerous tendencies when people who suffer from them are more likely to be victims than aggressors. I knew TheraminTrees had no intention of villainizing those with cluster b disorders but I want to thank you for your comment it means a lot to me as someone who has a loved one with cluster b and has an abusive cluster b parent and as someone with mental illnesses that are endlessly demonized by popular media
@@drudeger no problem at all. Sadly people equate Cluster B disorders with abusive behaviour, but correlation doesn't equal causation. As a mental health professional myself, I believe in the potential of everyone to change- what many abusive people lack is the DESIRE to change, not the potential.
@@S3lkie-Gutz I'm sorry your friend suffered from abuse, sadly many people with personality disorders have experienced extreme trauma in their early lives, amd are themselves victims of abuse. Some continue the cycle of abuse, but some don't, and they deserve recognition for their bravery. I'm also sorry to hear that you've experienced discrimination for your diagnoses and I hope you are getting the support you deserve.
You caught me off guard with the little reference to the song "you're so vain" hahaha If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're clairvoyantly aware of exactly what kind of video I needed this week, but I suppose a lot of people need this message around the holidays. Thanks as always for your work :-) ❤
My Eureka Moment came while watching the 70s movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest with my female anti parent . She referred to the sadistic controlling head nurse in the story as a “nice calm woman” 🤯. Of course she acted just like Nurse Ratched
Yeh, my brother is only the status quo enabler in my family of origin, but we both watched Better Call Saul and I saw Jimmy as a flawed good guy. He saw Chuck as the good guy and Jimmy as the bad guy. I said ''are you serious?''. He was. Omg. My entire family is a batch of automatons. Growing up, watching TV with my Mum, she would always ''narrate'' the plot and characterisation, I couldn't just sit there and watch, I had to be TOLD how to interpret what was happening.
I related so much to this essay sometimes I froze listening, because it felt like you had watched my childhood exactly. This must have been so painful to put into words, but thank you for doing it for all of us with similar experiences.
I don’t know if there’s a good enough way to articulate how much these videos have impacted my life. I have watched your videos since I was 16, deconstructing, beginning therapy, and starting to understand my childhood - I’m now 22. A lot has happened. I was in the middle of serious growth and self reflection when I unfortunately entered a relationship with an abuser who was craftier, better at lying, and so much more dangerous than the situation I grew up in. I lost my sense of self entirely, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever recover. I became a traumatized shell of a person. But for the last year I’ve put a lot of time and effort towards understanding relationship dynamics, how to recognize abuse, unlearning codependency, and understanding how trauma has impacted me physically as well. I started doing EMDR, joined a local jiujitsu gym (turns out that martial arts are AMAZING for mood regulation and overcoming PTSD). I finally feel at peace, for the very first time. I’m happy, with who I am and who I’m becoming. Your work has been there through every step of my journey. A hopeful and curious girl, a hopeless, lost, and defeated victim, and now someone who is growing into so much strength. Thank you.
That's fantastic to hear. Love that phrase 'growing into so much strength'. Some poisonous individuals fly into our lives under the radar don't they. The fact that this person took you to the point of feeling like a shell and you came back stronger shows your tremendous resilience. I can imagine how martial arts could help with mood regulation. For me, swimming helped a lot in that way. Thank you for sharing this. I wish you continued peace.
Not to belittle or undignify your very powerful and personal story, but... We, the Internet, have missed you. We need that soothing voice of emotional reason now more than ever. Also, holy carp, ending such an account on an emotional cliffhanger like that! Masterful.
I was SO devastated at the thought that you might not post again. No youtube content has been more beneficial and meaningful in my life than your videos. I’m so grateful for your work for this world BIG thank you!!
You’re telling my story here. I cut off my mom and dad several months ago. It’s been a long road of suffering, but now I am free. I do think about them every day. But the memories are fading quickly, and with that there is more room for living in my life
I once told my parents when I was in my early 20s that I would feel nothing when they died, same with my siblings, too. I wasn't trying to attack, to hurt them, or to manipulate. I was communicating my emotional landscape, or lackthereof, as by that point, I had been experiencing alexithymia. When my father passed, I felt nothing. It was only some time later I had a moment of sadness, brief, because I could not share music with him, an artist we both enjoyed and their latest album. Many years later, I started to move out of alexithymia, improving on my interoceptive awareness, and eventually learned that my childhood was actually traumatic. I didn't understand that. I thought my problems stemmed from being autistic, not traumas. Now, I realize that in telling my parents what I had, they should have suggested I go to therapy, and yet, nobody would support me emotionally. My mother would blame me for everything, even called me a monster once, when I was just looking out for myself. I was a kid. Fuck them.
Question. You cut off you’re whole family? All of them? Do some of them Have a good relationship with each other? I ask because it could be the case that your whole family is dysfunctional. but, more likely, there is a common denominator there. Maybe they tell this story about you?
This man is an almost perfect embodiment of every belief I have and now given me vocabulary that will be priceless in the coming days, please get him some kind of award or recognition, this world needs a positive example. Edit: This is almost word for word what is happening to me now, this could not have arrived at a better time. Edit 2: Watching this I now realize that there are things I have witnessed things that I will never unsee and voids that will go forever unfilled, as I write this, an impostor of my own sits mere feet away from me as I have been forced from my self-imposed confinement and made to endure her vile actions, I know not what I am to do once it and it's influence is excised from my mind but what I will always know that it has given up any right to parenting and it is far, _far_ too late for an apology.
Thanks for your insight. My partner is a complete cluster b clusterf... which i didnt realize in the beginning (like you said they show their masks). Im looking forward to the day we separate but until then i need to be the parent that your dad couldnt be. Knowing my partner i feel so sorry for your childhood, but you have shown that recovery and strength can come out of it.
Thank you, on behalf of whoever your raising. Standing up for them now will save years of mental anguish and missed opportunity down the line. I wish you the best stranger, and wish my father had your mentality
I had the misfortune to have two parents and two step-parents, and 3 of them were cluster B. My mother, father, and stepmother were all narcissists, and possibly more. All the parts you went over in the damage section were things I experienced from birth to age 19. I've been no-contact with them for 7 years now, but I havent been able to afford therapy. Your videos on things like this have helped me out a lot with unpacking what I went through, and trying to step past it. Thank you for making these.
I was no contact with my mom for 11 years. We reconnected after my grandpa died. We discussed my childhood experiences and how they hurt me. She apologized and I thought we could begin our relationship anew. 2 years later, back to no contact because she was mad that I didn't wait around for her all day to celebrate my son's 1st birthday. (She showed up to go to Build-a-Bear at 8 PM!) And she didn't even tell me that she was mad about it. She ghosted me and my dad told me months later why she did it. They can only keep their mask on for so long. It slipped a few times before we went no contact again, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Never again.
My grandfather was a toxic person who, due to the situation I was in when he was alive, I was tethered to daily. He was in a state of declining health until last year when he died. I felt bad being at his funeral, with my father crying over losing his dad, and not feeling anything myself. This really helped me think about it differently. Thank you.
You already suffered through the emotional stuff, whether anger or grief that ought to have happened after a loss. You already lost a grandfather long ago and delt with it.
15:00 This literally explains and matches my upbringing 1-for-1; I, too, was constantly obsessing over losing my mind, after the abuse I'd been put through. I would literally feel that I didn't need to think of the future, because mine was set in stone: being committed to a mental asylum. I still refuse to believe I was put through all of that for no reason, and nobody stepped in to intervene; all of the relatives knew about the abuse that was going on, not a single one stepped in to stop it. I grew up a confrontational, paranoid person, the type of a person who expects to be put through what I'd been put through as a child. I never learned to get along with people, and like an abused dog I'm in a permanent fight/defense mode. Eventually I figured everything out, and have learned to correct my behavior; and yet, the scars are too deep, up until this day I'm extremely mistrustful of others; I expect abuse and exploitation from virtually all the people I interact with. Everybody knows me to be a confrontative, paranoid shut-in ... oh man, I wish they knew what I'd been put through to finally see the world - at least for a few seconds - from the perspective I see it.
I went no contact with my parents and when my father died I felt almost nothing. Like 2pac said, he passed away and I didn't cry because my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger. I was past the anger stage and in total indifference. My father was distant all my life. He had issues he never understood or accepted to be there even. I was born on accident, 5 years after my sister. Her getting attention stopped and she hated me all my life. She sa-ed me and told me that nobody wanted me. I believed her and still feel like people would rather not have me around. I am introverted and a very nice person. I get triggered when people are not overly nice like I am so people are not my kind of beings. This is a lonely life. It took very long for me to understand that I am not worthless and now I understand that being the scapegoat scarred me for life. I'm going to let the second half of my life be the good half. A small step for me is a step forward which makes me happy. Little things like meeting a cat outside that lets me pet it. The cat does not hate me. I don't hate me. It's just the rest of the worlds I don't believe. When a woman likes me, I don't trust it or even thinks she's dumb for having feelings for me. I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before she starts hating me and I find reasons to not be nice to her because my standards of nice are out of wack. I wonder what I will feel when my mother passes away. Sadness, relief. I went no contact years ago, then went back after my father died. She did not invite me to his funeral and wants me to think magically my invitation was lost..... She did not invite me and all the people that went believe it was my choice not to go. All those people are idiots to me because they never even spoke to me. I always was the outsider. i was like a dog they never wanted. I know I'm making the right decisions now but the deep sadness and getting over it is a slow process. I don't cry, I don't know how. I have bad dream a lot that sometimes create my feeling for that day. Oh and I smoked weed for about 25 years and am glad i stoped doing that but I also think it saved me from going insane. I eat healthy, learn about psychology and I'm gonna make the best of it. Even being alone, alone for christmas, nobody telling me happy birthday. Thank you for this video.
Dear theramin trees,I do agree this is ART. To be able to demonstrate these “ invisible” concepts, is masterful- a gift.you are helping save so many …you are. Gift, a talented GOOD man.
Jesus I think I needed this. My most recent ex had a habit of telling me that she knew what I was thinking and what I really meant and who I really am because she could "see right through" me. Hearing those exact same words really made it click that maybe she wasn't as innocent about her behaviors as I thought.
Your thorough and precise understanding of these nightmarish creatures is apparent in your videos. It is admirable. I wish to reach your level of understanding and articulateness. Moreover, your music rocks! Through understanding, surely, we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from these abusive freaks.
My dad is an awful manipulative man, when me and my siblings were kids we would all congregate in the living room for the most part if my dad entered the room we would just leave for another room. He would constantly gaslight my mother and he would frequently be violent breaking things around the house and generally scaring the shit out of all of us. We all grew up and eventually moved out of the family home, 3 of us literally moving to the exact opposite side of the world. We all call fairly frequently to talk with mom, but he always answers the phone and talks about nothing for the first few minutes before passing the phone over, the phone is always on loudspeaker and I feel like my father's always in the way, at least when we were kids he'd often be at work but now he's always there and I can't relax and have a normal conversation with my mother to the point that she feels like a stranger to me now. I wish my father would just go away and leave us all in peace. I've been wishing that since I was a kid, asking my mom why we don't just all run away. I'm in my 40s now and my parents are getting old and I feel like this man has not just ruined my siblings and my childhood but now his stealing the last years we have with our mother. I hate him for this
the sections "the infant mind" and "symptoms of damage" almost made me cry. This is exactly what I went through, I just didn't know how to word it. Thank you, Theramintrees.
'Look! Her hair is totally different, now!' That got me laughing. Good grief! Not sure how I'll feel when my fragile narcissist dies but I expect it will be relief, mostly, for both her and me. Tormented existence she's had but mostly through her own doing and abject stubbornness. Thank-you TheraminTrees for popping this up on the last day of 2023. With your help, I was able to address my maladaptive development and, with Transactional Analysis, turned the key which opened the padlocks I had on myself. Looking forward to Part II! Happy New Year everyone!
Honestly, it's like we had the same family or something. My grandmother (father's mother) raised me. I have come to realize she had narcissistic personality disorder, and her and the woman you describe are so uncannily similar it's like it can't be real. I knew something was wrong as a child and thought it was abuse, and I desperately wanted to tell someone, but I knew I couldn't explain it. I just felt I could never make someone understand and the risks were so great. To make matters worse, my father and mother lived in the same house. My father was horrifically physically abusive and always angry and so uninvolved in my life in any positive way. Shockingly, when my mother and father divorced my mother wanted me to go with her, but I told her I wanted to stay, because I knew my grandmother as mom and I was loyal to her. I am almost 50 now. I am going to try therapy again. I may never be healed before I am dead, but maybe things will be better.
About a week ago I was wondering where you had been. You really helpt me understand myself better and gave me the language for describing my issues with my therapist. Thank you!
Some months ago, while sitting at home, away from the place i grew up, I decided I would adopt myself, right then and there. To provide myself with the nurturing that I did not receive growing up, to be the father figure I wished I'd had. Lately, I've started to feel proud of myself. I'm really growing up. I'm a loving, caring person, far from perfect, but far from the man who once was my father. Thank you, Theremin, you've inspired me to look into my past, your videos have helped me to understand my family dynamics, and to choose differently. You've really helped me
It is cathartic how relatable your situation is to mine. I grew up with good parents, but they raised me as a Jehovah's Witness and I felt the same things you did: excessive guilt over lying to protect myself, "split personalities" as I needed to mask to appease zealots, and impostor syndrome thinking I must be awful to attain a high position (elder) in this religion despite being such a "sinner". Just starting to heal though still stuck in the religion as a PIMO for physical/financial safety ... for now. I testified in the PA grand jury investigation and 14 have been arrested so far.
I relate so much it hurts. I was not a cunning child like you were. And my mother is almost as bad, but I'd say not that far. For me, I ended up becoming a more helpless person. I can't do anything for myself. I became dependent. And this creates a horrible, twisted attachment of insecurity between the parent. Where you need them, but need to get away from them. Which in turn increases the guilt. There is genuine love that my mom surely must feel for me. Or at least, I want to believe that. But for everything she has done... It is hard to recall moments where I knew that I loved her. It is much easier to recall the moments that I hated her. And I don't hate often, for other people. As for my dad, it's similar to yours, though he found other ways to defend himself as well. Almost the entire video rings true for me. I'm now 27, and have several mental health issues I cannot get rid of. I've dreamed since I was 13 to live away from them. It's incredible how I still haven't managed. I live through a mask around them to appease them and keep the peace. But I dream of one day cutting those ties.
For what it's worth, I'm 29, in a similar situation and I feel you. My mum certainly has all of the classic narcissistic and abusive tendencies, but they don't manifest all of the time and she can genuinely be very sweet as well. It has always been very confusing to deal with and it's hard to not see some something sinister within that sometimes. It really depends on her mood, which unfortunately can and often will change rapidly and for no apparent reason. Just a very volatile and explosive personality. And it's endless, it's like living in a timeloop. She never learns from our many fights, no matter how hard or often I try to tell her how they could be avoided. She's just not capable of changing. Sometimes it's honestly hard to imagine she's even a real person, someone capable of self-awareness. My dad I wouldn't call abusive. He has always put me down, but I don't believe that he ever did it out of malice. He's just inept, ignorant and insensitive, like a lot of men, and like a lot of parents, especially at his age and from his culture. He can't really help himself. I think he cares about me, but he doesn't really know or understand me as a person at all, and I'm too exhausted by the both of them to ever reciprocate or let either of them into my inner world. I've been complacent and struggled with learnt helplessness all my life. I never managed to make something of myself. I do have a degree but haven't done anything with it yet. Now that I'm trying, it might already be too late. I still don't really believe in myself and find nothing intrinsically motivating about doing something for my own sake. I've always been an outcast and haven't really found anyone who cares about me or my feeling. I feel inadequate and like a total failure compared to everyone around me. But I do want to keep trying anyway. I guess I do still hold out hope that there's someone out there for me after all, who cares and genuinely likes me. That's worth living for.
@@neonfatum stay strong and continue trying to seek a path of independence forward. Judging from the comments in this video, this is quite a common life occurrence so that shows that we are not alone in this struggle.
So sorry to hear that you had to endure the utter cruelty of the imposter. I can empathise, having had to endure an uncannily similar imposter of my own. Here's to healing and parenting ourselves with lashings of love, respect and joy ♥️🌷
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will never know the validation and relief and comfort I feel hearing your account. It’s very similar to my own family dynamic. Instead of figuring out my step-surrogate’s facade in childhood, it took me way longer. I’m in my 30’s now. I have a parental hole in my life, and the expression “patchwork parents” absolutely describes what I have had to do for myself. My mom was “Walter”. I went through all of the feelings, good parent/bad parent, disappointment, betrayal, and then not considering either of them parents at all. I hear of other people having great relationships with their parents and I wish mine could be that way. I wish you well in life, and again, I cannot express accurately how much your videos mean to me. Thank you.❤
What you said in the end, about creating a "patchwork" parent, is something I've felt for years, and especially the past year, deciding to go no-contact with my "family", it was really touching. Even though I wasn't "blessed" enough to be born into a loving family, I feel very blessed to have met people in my life that could cover for my 'parents" shortcomings, and affect me so greatly in such a wonderful way. Real family, the people that really matter, are chosen and found throughout life, and not necessarily the "family" that one is born in. Even though I am affected greatly by the situation, as I am traumatized and I am still carrying an open wound, that thought gives me strength.
I'm sorry you had to go though all of that in your childhood (and much more I assume). But I'm thankful that the world has someone like you now to help us digest our own traumas. Its not easy to get out the trap of abuse and not everyone is strong to oppose and fight free. Your videos help others recognize their own pains and traps. And for that I'm deeply thankful. My humblest thanks for your work sir.
My mother is similar to your mother. I also have a narcissistic elder brother. I often wonder what my life would look like if I had a normal mother. I honestly feel emotionally stunted and guarded. Caregiving was dispensed as a duty and felt as if it was done without any warmth or desire. I am very good at spotting superficial people, so I have my mother to thank for that. It took living with my brother to fully realise the insidiousness of their personalities. My mother, to her credit, is more honest now and openly admits her divergence from social norms, and she knows she cannot hide behind a mask with me or my eldest sister. My brother, on the other hand, does not realise how utterly superficial and fake he is in company. He derives his value in putting others beneath him and disregards the positives in others when it doesnt benefit him.
Your videos on abuse helped me escape a toxic "friend" group who were the worst things to ever happen to me. My life is tangibly better without having to endure their onslaught every second of my existence. I was already aware of the sham of Religious groups but i found your content on them affirming. No clue if you'll even see this but im extremely grateful for the massive positive impact you left in my life. I hope your affairs and whatnot are going swimmingly as well.
You have positively impacted my life in a way that is only exceeded by the people that I actually know and interact with in real life. Thank you for the absolutely exceptional content.
I have to say, the only problem I have with you and your channel is that there isn't more of it. I'm not saying to make more content to appease people like me, especially since I'm not a patron. I just would like to see more of you, more often. I can't and won't ask the same of your brother, of course, since I remember him saying he's retired. Your insight has helped me a lot. Please continue to help people.
i really can't quantify the number of people you've likely helped with your work over the years, including the help i've received and tried to pass along to others. these videos are massively helpful for anyone recovering from abusive systems, and i'm beyond grateful you've put so much thought and effort into this channel. thank you, from my whole heart.
ffs... This hits the marks 100% and I am beyond thankful for you raising your voice verbalising these issues. I'm sorry this is your experience, your videos are more than helpful in the other ways I've tried getting help.
I have never gotten too torn up when anyone died. I thought that it was just because I wasn't close enough to them. I always imagined that when my mother died, I would completely lose it. She happened to die much sooner than I expected, yet I couldn't find a tear. I was just dumb struck. I find that part of me somewhat disturbing. There is nobody in the world i loved more than her, yet I have never shed a tear about her death.
I somewhat relate to that. In my case it seems that I have some level of aphantasia and that changes the grieving process. It is almost like they are just on holiday somewhere else.
I relate to that with my grandma. I cried only a handful of times but grew up with her constantly around and she was like a second mom. It's weird but I'm not mad about it either that I seem to grieve like that. I'm almost more afraid of absolutely losing it and derailing my life because of a close loss
@@aussie405that’s interesting, I have aphantasia and I grieve hard but I never realized why I always couldn’t believe they were actually gone, just out of sight. Thats very insightful of you and weirdly helpful to this random stranger.
This really makes me appreciate my own parents being so accepting of me an my atheism and your videos played a large part in the process and I have to thank you about that, this channel really helped me in my personal life
Haha, I got a pop up notification, and wanted to wipe the notification on my mobile away... (thought it was just a new UA-cam video from one of my subscribed channels.) But then, I realized it's Theramin Trees.... like you, I was so surprised for 1 second :) And happy I wish there will me more videos in the future!
This is absolutely, "Roberta Flack, Killing me softly"! I found out months ago my Jehovah's Witness 'mother' who has shunned me for 40+ years died back in 2021. Part II on this video, please!!!! I've actually watched this a couple times... Amazing work.
Thank you so much for this video. I’m very much looking forward to part 2. My mother is very similar to yours, as is my father. Your explanations are so clear and your reasoning so logical that it does help me immensely to get out of my own confusion. Especially the idea of one good and one bad parent is one that I was battling with. I still find myself feeling protective of my father. My reason is my compassion with and sadness about him having been a child of WW2 who always had to function and was never allowed to choose his own road because of the extreme poverty and later his felt responsibility to stay in his marriage. But I’m becoming less and less sure of that conviction. Like you, I made the conscious decision to use my pain for breaking that pattern and being a kind, responsible person. I’m still learning to be that to myself as well.
This was painful and cathartic. So beautifully descriptive of the chaos of a child's mind and emotions at the hands of a cluster B parent. You speak for those who have never been able to voice their inner world. Thank you.❤
Being told you're lying about how you feel is something I unfortunately have experience with, although not nearly as bad as you. Often times when I was a kid, I'd say things like "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty," and my parents would respond "you ain't hungry" or "you ain't thirsty..." One day I questioned them and asked, "How do you know how I feel? You're not me..." And they got mad. To this day, I still don't know why. I wasn't shouting, I wasn't rude. I just had a legit question. I often tell myself, "If I ever have kids, I hope I don't become like my parents."
Yep! also, "I am hurting". "No, you're a hyperchondriac," which even now, aged 68 and after years of therapy, goes deep and causes me to ignore my needs and delay getting medical help.
How you talk about them trying to erase you is so real to me. Recently I came to notice how my parents love me, but not truly. What is really happening is that they only love the convinient parts of me; they will be nice when I show the parts they like but then humilate and demonize me when they come across parts they dont like and then try to bully me into changing or just pretend that those features of me simply do not exist. Fortunately, they have not succeded and I have been able to construct my true self despite their efforts to mold me into something they would preffer. Thank you so much for make me feel seen, I know I am not alone.
This hit me majorly hard. My mother was the fire breathing monster, and my father was the enabler, completely and totally checked out. I related to so much of this story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am unable to go no contact with either of my parental units at this point. My life is a wreck and I'm trying to rebuild after four decades of abuse and neglect from them and my ex spouse. I hate my parents at this point in my recovery journey. We are nothing to each other and that was their decision. I won't shed a tear when either of them pass. I'll only be relieved the nightmare is finally over. Thank you again for being vulnerable and sharing your heartache with us.
by binging your entire channel, i've realized something. for a while, i've believed, deep down, that my mother is cluster b and my father is an enabler. my issue has been a sense of shame underscoring those feelings, due to my mother's upbringing. her "mother" was terribly abusive and neglectful, and she has several horrible stories she tells from time to time of her childhood. the fact she had such a lack of parenting has made me think that i don't deserve to call what i have endured "abuse." this idea has been backed up by her and my father on multiple occasions, only perpetuating its existence in my head after every thought i get watching these videos. i think this is something i need to begin to talk about, when i go into therapy, instead of making everything my fault.
My "mother" told me one day that I don't know her nor her parents and upbringing. In her mind her suffering is bigger than anyone else's. Therefore she's entitled to do whatever to feel safe and secure, even destroy the family she created to adore her 😒
Wow, the timing on this one. I recently got back in contact with my siblings and learned all of them have given up on our birth giver entirely like I have. She got married to a very abusive man and all of us hated him, but she loved him despite all the red flags and blatant abuse he did right in front of her. She's now completely lost to his manipulations and has isolated herself from her family entirely. If she passed away tomorrow, I would not give it much thought at all like TheraminTrees.
This could not be more relevant for me as my mom passed in February of this year. I had difficulty feeling much in the way of grief at her passing. Like your brother, I stayed in limited contact as I was responsible for her financial welfare. My sister went no-contact, and my brothers had occasional contact via phone. I had already grieved the childhood and relationship I should have had. 89 years with her had worn me out. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for featuring me at the beginning! I'd never dreamed that I'd see myself in the opening credits to one of your videos! And thank you for tackling this subject with so much care and compassion.
I haven’t lost my mother yet but when she was in the grips of cancer I wasn’t really praying for her to get better…. I kind of pre-accepted her death and honestly felt that it was almost like the universe was taking care of going non-contact for me.
Man... I am right there with you. I have said to myself and others on more than one occasion that, even though I was "raised" by my mother, I have never _known_ my mother, because I was always dealing with an artificial personality. Similarly, my mother has never known me, because I was only ever encouraged to play some supporting role in whatever grand production was being put on that day. I didn't even begin to develop a genuine personality until my early thirties - which was way more challenging than I would have originally thought.
This video described a lot of what I’m going through now…I’m at the stage where I’m cutting contact with my mother (cluster b) and father (my therapist calls him “the orbiting parent”). Ironically, my father is also named Walter, this video really hit close to home for me, as many of your experiences you share seem to do!
'The orbiting parent’ - reminds me of an image I've sometimes used: 'the moon parent'. Revolving lifelessly. I wish you well with your detachment. Peace.
Yes, that's exactly what it means too. They have little to no impact in the child's life and their own life seems to primarily revolve around pleasing the second parent...even when it means neglecting the various needs of their children in the process. Thank you so much for the response, @@TheraminTrees. I can't tell you how helpful your channel has been over the years. Your videos were what first helped me in the beginning of my journey towards stepping away from my abusive and religious upbringing and unlearning the fears and anxieties that came with it. They continue to be incredibly relatable, helpful and healing. I look forward to part 2, take care! :)
Watching this video felt like my own childhood being read back to me. Watching this video helped me realize why my little brother always seemed to be so angry towards my parents. He saw and recognized everything they were doing long before I did. I'm 25 and I'm learning to undo the damage that was done and videos like yours have helped a lot. Your videos have opened my mind to so many things that I couldn't see before.
I can't fully express how helpful your videos are. I was raised by, either cluster B or just shy of a cluster B parent, my mother, and my dad (they were divorced). Their dynamic is a softer version of yours, it mimicks my grandparents on my moms side. Unfortunately my mom wasn't completely disconnected from reality, and was incredibly smart, so I only began to untangle what mess I had to deal with at 17, and at 23 I'm still unwrapping it. And sadly, I didn't have the friends nor figures I could go to in my vulnerable times, and now, no matter how much I try now, I can never find inner peace. I habitually behave appropriately wherever I go, but people don't want me in their lives. And those that did, ended up hating the deeper pieces of who I was, even if they were mostly harmless. And instead of communicating, and leaving, they chose to use my broken pieces, to break me further. I'm aimless. I don't have an internal self thats satisfied. I don't trust others. I don't trust myself. but, when I watch your videos, I feel oddly at peace. Like... someone else can understand, and care. And for that, I thank you.
Thank you! I was waiting for a new video, and I was wondering if everything is okay... Your videos have helped me a lot, going through different problems, like leaving organized religion, deconstructing from manipulation and indoctrination, and working on overcoming childhood trauma. Your videos are so calm and rational, yet so colorful and emotional, it is a pleasure to watch them. Your videos help a lot. I send you grettings from Germanyvand wish you a wonderful New Year. I will always be happy to watch your videos. Take care
I'm so excited for part 2!!!!!! This was a perfect deconstruction of my own childhood experience. I'm on the edge of my seat knowing how you've dealt with the later steps. The adult child surviving and how to cope with intense pain of the years of abuse. I got C-PTSD and lots of physical ailments caused by constant developmental toxic stress.
When my Dad died, I didn't really care - I was just glad he couldn't harm anyone anymore. He never acted against me (thank goodness) but when I found out what he did, he died to me that day. Edit: I'm glad you made it through what the "Imposter" put you through.
I watch a lot of videos about psychology and history and crimes and nothing has been almost too hard to watch until I watched this. Thank you for sharing your feelings - knowing other people felt this way has been very helpful for me
Ever since my dutch teacher showed me one of your videos, I feel more and more "normal" about many topics in life. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone.
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20:19 To those that think their parents didn't know better: If your parents changed their behavior around friends and family, they knew better
Amazing the things people will say in private with no witnesses, and then claim are misquoted, out of context, were a joke/sarcasm, weren’t said “like THAT”, and so on later. Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded… 😕
@@misspat7555 yes and no, i would personally be a LOT more by my self, alone and without anyone if EVERYTHING i did was recorded. i would not be able to abuse or to be abused, just left behind by a society that watches my every move when i am with someone. some things i also dont want to be recorded, there are conversations i have had that i would never say the things i said or be in to begin with had it been recorded, not due to rudeness but with the idea that what i am saying is personal, and is not meant to be listened to by anyone but that person. i see your point but in practice it just does not work. if it were to be done it would have to be by a very authoritarian government, and in that case it would be like china, soviet russia or 1960's cuba, anyone who says anything negative against its leader, will be tortured, arrested or killed. it would be the "big brother is always watching" thing.
@@JackCriticalwhat you describe is what Roman Catholicism for 2 decades was like for me. I am still trying to be alone in my head in my 50's now (decades long since those formative years).
@@yippieskippy2971 yep, indoctrination at a young age sure is effective, hope you can find a way to be at peace by yourself, as this is hard to get over. best wishes from me
@@misspat7555 "Abuse would be much harder if every word we said to another person were video-recorded…"
Recording everything would make everything subject to public opinion. But sometimes public opinion is wrong.
"She was so vain, she probably would have thought this video was about her"
Well played 😄
It's a good reminder that the video is ultimately about him, and his own experiences. Such a good line.
Likely directly paraphrasing a very famous song, 'You're so vain' by Carly Simon.
“Probably think this song is about you.” Is definitely an inspiration of it. Carly Simons I believe.
@@businessman3606one of the classics, I have to listen to it anytime I hear it referenced. First heard it after reading trivia about NIN songs, and seeing it was referenced in Starfuckers Inc. Pretty jarring to go from Trent Reznor to Carly Simons, but that might be why I love it so much, now. It's funny to imagine a Woodstock 94' Trent singing 70's pop, covered in mud. Unironically a bop.
@@EnigmaticBiker Yeah, its probably the biggest burn in music history.
Relatable and thoughtful as always. I am a 26 year old person. My mom recently stole my passport and framed it as those she was helping me. That I was not capable of handling it (infantilization). Then when I needed it for an application she would not give it to me. After exhausting my options I called the police who were able to get me the passport. I was then told that I was at fault for destroying my relationship with my mother by other members of the family. This is one incident in a line of controlling and infantilizing behavior by my mother. Thank you for educating me on the malignant behavior I had and my family still has.
Holy shit. I would completely disown and hate forever if mine did that to me. Mine didn’t do nearly that, and I barely tolerate mine.
Holy shit that's crazy. It's hard to understand how some people can be so insanely deluded, controlling, abusive and yet so self-absorbed they can't even process that maybe they're not the victim and that maybe they did something wrong.
You did the right thing. If you try time and time again to establish your own boundaries, especially as an adult, and they are not honored by your parents, the next step is to rightfully assert those boundaries with those parents, even if it means by legal means. If they have demonstrated that they are beyond reason and showing that level of respect towards you, forcing them to do so by very adult means becomes all the more necessary.
@@seanjaycox3530 Just remember the same people that force you to assert these healthy boundaries in the first place will likely be the first to cry about how somehow they're real ones being victimized and that you're the one who's really the bad guy. Which is exactly what it sounds like happened with the above passport situation. The mother couldn't admit she did something crazy wrong.
I'm in the same boat. My grandfather, a WW2 vet, gave me his side arm he carried with him in battle. He gave it to me on his death bed. My mother stole the gun and has convinced everyone in the family that she has a good reason for doing so. I wouldn't dare take her to court because I think someone in my family would probably try to kill me for it, either that or ostracize me completely, a banishment for life. Thankfully I live 1200 miles away from them.
It is necessary to self reflect and to break the cycle of abuse, otherwise we turn into those kind of people that tend to say things like:
"I was beaten as a child, but it didn't harm me!"
Yep, in the past when people have come out with that line 'I was whipped/caned/beaten as a child and it didn't do me any harm', I've sometimes responded, '....aside from making you think it's okay to beat children’.
I was violently abused as a child. However, compared to my family's emotional abuse, which has all but ruined my life for decades, and from which I may never recover, the beatings were pretty trivial.
@@TheraminTreesthat’s a great response!!
@@AmanoJack I hope you're alright now and have found your way to heal.
@@TheraminTrees People not grasping how a changed or developed mindset/thought process as a result of what happened to you growing up is in fact "harm", is beyond me. Harm doesn't have to just manifest as mental or physical scars. It can impact the way you think and go about life, and god forbid the cycle repeats again because those mindsets are left unacknowledged. Excellent response.
"Anti-parent" is a genius term that I will now be adopting
treat it well
It's like matter and antimatter, except instead of destroying eachother they destroy the child's mind.
i prefer 'most recent ancestor'
@@NihilisticRealismoof
"have I stared too long into the abuse"
One of the best-written lines I've heard this year
For sure. My brother left due to the man who caused my birth this Christmas. He can't handle me being gay and I ran off just before I was eighteen. He called me a slur (the gay one) and so my brother left. He does not want to stare into the abuse now that he has a daughter.
@@n0etic_f0x And yet, that poison of the homophobia and such will always linger. Luckily, it's his burden to bear, but it's not easy to leave it to those who bear the responsibility.
@@bluejay7058 true, my brother was so upset. I mean I left back in 2005, he is still like this and still I want to fault someone else.
I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s his fault and that’s why I don’t go back for Christmas but I just don’t want to say he is why he can’t see his granddaughter. I mean he is but… that still sucks to say.
@@n0etic_f0xit can be pointless to tell some people what you see. They won’t change. But they will lash out. Who needs that aggravation?
More 'popular culture':
"She was so vain; she would've probably thought this video was about here"
You start grieving the death of a person the moment you realize they aren’t/weren’t who you thought/needed them to be. It’s possible to be completely through all stages of grief before someone’s corporeal form dies.
Well said. It took me almost three years to fully come to terms with what my "parent" was, did to me, and tried to mold me into. I cut contact a couple years back and have been able to live a much more pleasant life for it.
One of my father's favorite lines when talking about my mother was, "You've just got to roll with the punches." After I gained a bit of insight, after he repeated his favorite line, I finally said, "Dad, there shouldn't BE any punches!" He was a little shocked, and actually considered my words for a bit. Of course he didn't really do anything about it, after decades of marriage to the monster, but it felt validating to have reached him in some small way.
My big line was,” if you want your future son in law to abuse me, then keep treating mom like this.
This was after he told me that I didn’t love him and was after his money. Something that my family of 4 abusers always held over my head. I’m sorry that I had agoraphobia at 16 because of your abuse. What an inconvenience!!!!
Btw, my mom betrayed me again after this and I’m finally free. I’m so thankful that I left. I was showing narcissistic tendencies.
BREAK THE CHAIN
BREAK THE CHAIN
BREAK THE CHAIN
BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I was the golden child in my narcissistic family. I feel horrible about it, even after apologizing to my sister (the scapegoat) and my father (the enabler). I felt so angry towards them and now I know why. I wanted my sister to "stop making my mother sad" and my father "to stand up and do something". It has been a long journey of healing and I'm not even close to peace of mind but knowledge is the best thing ❤
Same, but I was the one who denied and pushed away my parents because they kept abusing and not loving my sister and i recognized that. I saw it many many years before she was able to, but she's since recognized and even found love herself and will probably be moving out in a few months. Advancement IS possible, even if it seems like you'll be stuck forever.
i'm curious, why apologize to your dad?
@@john-ic5pzI felt guilty towards him. He was also a victim and tried to stay away from the abuse. But I know now he's weak and did nothing to help us. Today I don't really care about him but I'm at peace with myself in that regard.
@@awarmcomfybed❤
Your mother used you as much as she used everyone else
There were literally moments in this where I had to pause, just, hand over my mouth… there were so many times I thought I was crazy as a kid and teenager, and with lasting memory issues from the abuse, I chalked those childhood incidents up to the same. But I wasn’t misremembering, she was gaslighting me. It was just another facet of her abuse. Through middle and high school, I “proudly” identified as a psychopath/sociopath because she called me such awful things and accused me of evil deeds so often, I used it as my shield. Thank you for yet another help in taking this step in my road to recovery.
Omg i very much feel this too. I'd tell them i was upset about something, and they straightup would tell me that never happened. I shared this with friends, noticed they could confirm later that did infact happen. I started documenting these events, and confirmed through that that indeed I wasn't the crazy one.
None of my narcissist father's offspring shed a tear for him. Though we all had nightmares for months afterwards. Probably just sorting out the past and storing it all away finally.
One brother said it was healing to see him look so small and harmless.
What a legacy to leave.
Yes, we are over him.
Glad you are moving on.
@@ras-nts Thanks. This channel has helped.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, LOL. 'THIS' IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE TO HAVE AGAINST NARCISSISTS AND THE LIKE. THIS IS SUSTAINABLE ('NATURALLY', THE VIRTUE OF HUMANITY CAN ONLY BE SUSTAINED WITH THOSE WHO NATURALLY EXPERIENCE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE).
EDIT: NO CODEPENDENT, NARCISSIST/EVIL-LOVING NONSENSE... THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!
Sad.
I feel like that. My mother is so weak now. Still has control over everybody's thoughts mind you but I feel a little more free because she is so weak physically
I was like "Wtf is this?!?"
How did this man describe the childhood of me and my brother line by line?
Is there some bad parenting book that these cluster B parents share amongst each other?!?
Thank you for this and I cannot wait for part 2.
Abuse is systemic . It's never an outlier but an intended disruptive result of a purposefully corrupt ideology in government such as fascism. This is why we all have such similar routes when it comes to abuse
That book is called Bible
IIRC, Cluster B mental illnesses are identifiable as such specifically because they include this recognizable and predictable pattern of emotional dysregulation and inappropriate behavior.
@@NostalgiaLoverxX Even nonreligious cluster B parent learn parenting from the same book of bad parenting as religious ones. While I'll be the first to admit the Narcissism is Strong with the God(s) (the patterns aren't hard to spot if you know narcissists), it's a larger problem than bibles and qurans and talmuds and torahs and so on...
prager u has entered the chat
How this guy drops a banger and dips for years givin kendrick vibes
I have borderline, and I think it's important to note that the manipulation that comes with it isn't always intentional/conscious. This doesn't negate the harm it does, but when they make a genuine effort to improve themselves and their relations, you should at least give them a little grace. It's a difficult thing to grapple with, but you're under no obligation to keep these people in your life. *Malignant* is an important word here. Acceptance is the first step to improvement, any genuine effort to improve should be encouraged.
It's clear to me that it wasn't TheraminTrees' intention to paint everyone in cluster b as irredeemable, just felt the need to point that out if it's not obvious to some.
I disagree that anyone “should” be given grace. Cluster B types can frequently use feigned attempts at turning over a new leaf as a means of regaining access to a subject of their abuse or mistreatment, whether consciously or unconsciously. Grace is a gift, not a right.
@@IncredibleIceCastle while i agree with you, i think it's important to understand that ALL abusers, regardless of if they are mentally ill or what mental illness they have, will commonly do this. we should not use "cluster b" as interchangeable with "abuser."
I dont think borderline personality disorder is something you are born with. Its a personality disorder after all. If youve taken yourself down that hole then you need to realise youre causing harm to others and fix it. I used to be an impulsive liar but i never complained about people giving me grace whenever i would straight up lie in their face to make myself seem something im not.
@@gaswe9236bpd is caused by childhood trauma a lot of the time. people are not really born with it.
@@gaswe9236 the specific relationship between genetic and environmental factors regarding how mental illness is developed is highly complex. just because you "don't think" someone is born with a personality disorder doesn't suddenly make that correct.
regardless, just the same as you cannot "fix" depression or schizophrenia, you cannot "fix" cluster b personality disorders. the same with all mental illnesses, you can learn to cope with and manage your symptoms, and ask for accommodations where it's reasonable. people with cluster b personality disorders are not hurting people just by having a mental illness.
What I realized was that I already grieved them long ago. Losing a toxic person isn’t a loss it’s a gain. I felt relief that they couldn’t abuse me anymore.
My lack of grief showed me I had freed myself. A nice confirmation.
Exactly.
I have never disclosed the horror of my childhood as carefully as you have done here. I’ve kept it shut behind “she was abusive,” which isn’t actually helpful to healing. Thank you for mapping a way forward.
Um duh how could one think to ever heal without EXPOSING it to yourself by naming it and all else? Apparently you never looked into healing much.
@6Haunted-Days are you perhaps unfamiliar with the concept of being tone deaf
@@6Haunted-Days ...How did someone like you even find your way to a channel like this?
@@6Haunted-Days That's called victim blaming. Don't be like the person spoken about in the video.
It dawned on me in my 20s to finally open up about the myriad of abuses I've suffered. It helps on the rare cases people are receptive and ask to really hear me out. But more often than not, it's something along the lines of cutting me off with "Wow really!? Your mom's narcissistic? My whole fam is too, isn't it annoying? It's such a common thing, but let's not dwell on that negativity" followed by a topic change. Now that I'm 36, I more often than not went back to "she was abusive" just so I don't have to experience that anymore.
Wish you the best in finding people in your life that helps you to heal, who try to understand you.
I had the exact same parent dynamic. The first time my spineless dad spoke up for me, when she tried to deny me access to food at 21, she punished him verbally for an hour and threw me out
Wow! How awful for you.
“Mothers love” serves the mother more than the beloved by design
Atleast he did finally stand up to her?
robot?@@Freekymoho
My dad is a spineless foot soldier. I think, if he dies first my mother will try to be nicer to me, if she dies first, he will carry on her legacy of haughty cold shoulder.
I've been diagnosed with bpd. This video outlines a fear I have over pushing away my loved ones. I want to lead a loving life, and have a family in my future.
I have a boyfriend right now who reassures me that I'm not as bad as I fear I am, and that he wouldn't be a part of a relationship he didn't enjoy. I feel grateful for his sense of agency. It prevents me from getting too far down the worry-spiral that I'm manipulative towards those around me.
I've inherited alcoholism from my father. I'm currently living with him and my mom after relapsing and getting kicked out of the sober house I was living in. After that break, I find myself used to the peace I felt at the sober house and less equipped emotionally to deal with his volatility. He's an angry drunk, and outwardly self depreciates himself, expecting others around him to stroke his ego. This is true even when he's made a mistake that harms others - preventing others from standing up for themselves without running the risk of causing him to blow up. I starkly remember one night during my teenage years where I came home after having dinner with friends, to him having made soup on the stove for me. He never communicated that he was planning to do that. When I told him I just ate and was not hungry, he blew up in a tirade about how he's unappreciated, and said he might as well kill himself. Clearly, he created expectations for how the night would go without properly communicating what he wanted. Yet, I had sympathy for how he felt, and took it upon myself to talk him down. NOT my responsibility, as his child. I found myself parenting him a lot throughout childhood.
I do not want to become him. I see the potential path before me. When I'm optimistic, I think I can heal and become better adjusted. When I'm pessimistic, I see him as my fate. This video reminds me of the consequences of not working through my trauma and my unstable emotions in order to create a safer environment for my family. Thank you for posting. I've watched all your videos, and only this one so far has really made me take a look at myself as the potential villian. I appreciate the opportunity for self reflection.
I believe in you Jacob. You've come so far, and it's only a little further now. Stay the course. You *can* do this.
The mere fact that you've performed this much introspection renders you a better parent than many, as long as you always continue with this kind of voracity.
the part where you explain how your dad always folds to her is extremely relatable and happened in my household on a lesser scale
It's scary effective. One parent abuses you, the other one who you trust more justifies it.
No comment can accurately convey how hard this hit with memories of my step mom. How can anything be so accurate?
You aren’t alone. ❤
It's great to see you again! These videos really do come out at just the right time, somehow! I cannot express just how much this stuff has helped me over the years, thank you for everything!
same here, they also kind of eased me into getting actual help for myself and i couldn't've made a better choice. thank you theramintrees
A wild TheraminTrees suddenly appears! Course of action?
a) approach
b) flee
c) ignore
AMEN you couldn’t be more right about the timing lol
@@y00t00b3r
a1/2) listen for a bit, then tell myself "this is really helpful, I'll listen to it later!". Proceed to next steps.
I could have used this video when I was..... 13 or 14
6 years ago
Right now it almost entirely serves as a reaffirmation of the endless thoughts and concussions I grew over the years regarding my horrid "guardian" for a mother.
I didn't have a father, friends or relatives I could talk with or really relate with until last few years.
Even now all my strongest bonds are with friends online.
Only thing that keeps me going is the hope and knowledge that it will be better once I cut ties with her. However that might happen.
This reminds me of a certain quote from Disco Elysium (In Harry's dream where he talks to his ex-wife) : _"Oh Harry, we haven't talked in years. I don't want to hear from you. I think of you less and less as time goes on. Months go by without me remembering you. Soon it will be years. Every season that passes the light gets less clear. You were my first; The first and worst time I ever fell in love. I will always have that with me. It's a fact. But that's all it is. It's like a ticket stub, Harry. It doesn't do anything anymore."_
"the path of least resistance is not the path to peace" is amazing
thank you so much. you tackle ideas that have been ricocheting around in my head, breaking things and causing chaos, and show a peaceful way to get to the other side. miraculous.
What a great reflection of your parents and your childhood. Nice that you had a brother to bounce things off of, to keep your sanity in that dysfunctional household with the narcissist and her enabler husband.
I had a totally different response to the death of my psychopathic father. I had a breakdown. It turned out to be a great opportunity for me to get into therapy and get my life back on track.
Hey Esther. I'm glad that breakdown became an opportunity! Wishing you a wonderful peaceful new year!
You owe it to yourself to live free from the constraints of the past. Glad you are rebuilding. You ought to be proud!
It's darkly humorous that abusive parents seem to play by the same handbook. Our moms could have been siblings
Seriously. My spawnpoint isn't a narcissist, she has sociopathic traits, but she did the same shit as Theramin's. It is insane how similar the patterns are, when it is hilariously easy.. to.. just not be abusive!? Why is this something so many people find so easy to do in the same way? I'm honestly confused by that.
Add my mother to them
@@NotALotOfColonial_SpaghettiToGunrelated, but “spawnpoint” is an amazing term for an anti-parent lmaooo
Cruelty for fun doesn't require much creativity, there's differences of degree, the specific abuses, but the undertones are all the same, the abuser is always "justified" the abuse is deserved, or alternatively, it was all just a misunderstanding when they get sussed out on manipulative bullshit. My mom flat out denies I had a bad childhood, I went NC because it's just not worth having poisonous people in your life. I waited far too long and it did nothing good for me, if you think you might need to cut someone loose because of physical abuse, the answer is yes.
Your channel should be recommended by therapists. Raw, authentic, vulnerable and power
My therapist sent me a link to the TA series on this channel!
Most therapists lack all this knowledge on abusive dynamics.
@@Analysis_Paralysistheramin sadly went through it but now he can tell it apart faster than others
@@stanley8006 Yes, only therapists who've experienced it first-hand understand their client's situation. The others can sometimes end up being patronizing or even enabling the abuse.
@@Analysis_Paralysis I think they're trained not to do that though?
when i was very young, i had a broken arm with no cast for a few days, because my family decided i was faking for attention. i am right there with you. great video as always.
I had the same with my foot. It'll be five years since this May, and it still hurts. I'm sure that walking on it for that long made sure it didn't heal properly. It probably didn't help that once I got my boot we never returned to the doctor to check in like we should have, I just wore it for 7 weeks before my mom took it away and put it in storage.
@@nyandoesthings that is horrible. Does your family do things like that regularly?
This is pretty much my end goal with my therapy.
Some of my family members have asked if I "really want" to be angry at my abuser forever. And I wasn't even angry yet when that question was asked. I'm angry now, because I've gotten mostly past the fear, guilt, and shame, and I'm finally at a point where I can look directly at my experiences and acknowledge that what he did was *wrong* and I *didn't deserve it*. But staying at this emotional place wouldn't be good for me either. Anger is *exhausting*.
I want to be able to walk past my abuser at the grocery store and feel *absolutely nothing*. Like he's just another stranger existing somewhere in the world. Zero energy spent on him, mentally or otherwise.
Your desire to feel absolutely nothing is understandable because it means you are free of the anxiety of what has been done to you.
Western society is not conditioned to seeking real, equalizing justice, only towards mitigating damage. "Going back to neutral".
So it is not justice. The only justice is revenge. Even when you do not actually seek revenge, remember that it will always be your moral right to do so.
Because if you forget that, the abuser wins.
This is one way to look at it. But taking on revenge would make you the same as the abuser no?
@@Nancy20012 No. Abuse is by definition uninvited. The idea that it would make you as bad as the abuser stems from the false idea that retribution is inherently bad. However retribution (or the lasting threat thereof) is never bad when its a response to an injustice.
No genuine abuse should ever go unpunished. Not acknowledging the right to retribute negates the moral integrity of the abused and is actually a form of facilitating abuse. (i.e. abusers will keep abusing as long as they get away with it).
I am sorry. I understand that there should be some kind of punishment or reform, but revenge is pure idiocy@@PropagandasaurusRex
@@Romapolitan That you disagree with it doesn't make it idiocy. In EVERY culture outside the West revenge is integral part of their justice or religious system. And there's a reason for that.
I'm not sure if you (the content creator) will ever see this comment, but if you do, I want to thank you for this video, and in advance for part two. It is as if you have an inside scoop to my life - this is more relatable than I thought any content could be. Thank you for this, and for all of your content. Your work on the JW Australian Royal Commission got my attention years back, and I've been an avid viewer ever since. Yours in one of the most important voices on the internet from my perspective. Peace to you.
Thank you. I'm glad it's been helpful. And peace to you.
@@TheraminTrees Your mother sounds like she is insecure and think less of herself.
@@TheraminTreesspeaking of which, do you know when part 2 will be released?
I will NEVER stop confronting bad parents on how they're treating their children.
I've seen to much abuse.
Just wanna remind everyone reading this that you are not bad, sick, sinful, a monster or any other name used to dehumanise you.
You do not deserve no physical, emotional, social or any other type of abuse you have been exposed to.
You are a wonderful human being that deserves respect, freedom and safety, and I hope you all make it out healthy and at a better place than before.
❤you too
I needed this comment, alongside the puppy profile picture
Mother, Mother is a band that has a song called "It's Alright" and it's really reassuring and makes me tear up. Loys if folks in the comments on the uploads of that song from people about very sad situations they have survived
Thank you so much. I *still* struggle with this.
Not if war, pain, and sickness have anything to say about that lol
Friendly reminder that Theramintrees is talking about his personal experience with somone who had a Cluster B personality disorder and who was an abuser. This doesn't meant that ALL people with Cluster B personality disorders are automatically abusers, and should therefore be villified. Furthermore, this doesn't mean that Theramin is SUGGESTING that people with Cluster B disorders be villified. I believe that people with personality disorders should be awarded the same opportunities to recover and repair their mental health as anyone else. However, I also believe that victims of abuse should be able to criticise their abusers freely, and to talk about the factors that might contribute to the abuse they suffered.
If you have a Cluster B disorder, you are valid. Please look for the right support to help you heal, whether that be therapy, Psychiatry, medication etc. And please try to be as honest with yourself as possible about your behaviour, only by honesty can you come to understand yourself.
If you have been abused by someone with a Cluster B disorder, you are valid. Please don't blame yourself, you don't have to put up with any sort of behaviour that hurts you, just because your abuser is mentally ill. You are entitled to your pain and your anger. Please support yourself as best you can.
I really appreciate your comment, I was genuinely afraid to watch this video at first because of how frustratingly common it is for people to demonize cluster b personality disorders as inherently evil and unworthy of kindness, even those who claim to be accepting of people with mental illnesses and neurological disorders.
I was gonna say this, one of my best friends who has a disorder in the cluster b group (borderline personality disorder) also suffers from abuse from their cluster b birth giver. And I gotta say as an outsider looking in, it's gotta even rougher when you're cluster b and the person abusing you is also cluster b. My friend is the sweetest person I've ever met, you'd never guess they had bpd based on first impressions but that being said I'm also intimately aware of being villainzed for having a mental illness as I struggle with C-ptsd, OCD, and paranoid schizophrenia which are already sensationalized by pop culture as having violent and dangerous tendencies when people who suffer from them are more likely to be victims than aggressors. I knew TheraminTrees had no intention of villainizing those with cluster b disorders but I want to thank you for your comment it means a lot to me as someone who has a loved one with cluster b and has an abusive cluster b parent and as someone with mental illnesses that are endlessly demonized by popular media
@@drudeger no problem at all. Sadly people equate Cluster B disorders with abusive behaviour, but correlation doesn't equal causation. As a mental health professional myself, I believe in the potential of everyone to change- what many abusive people lack is the DESIRE to change, not the potential.
@@S3lkie-Gutz I'm sorry your friend suffered from abuse, sadly many people with personality disorders have experienced extreme trauma in their early lives, amd are themselves victims of abuse. Some continue the cycle of abuse, but some don't, and they deserve recognition for their bravery.
I'm also sorry to hear that you've experienced discrimination for your diagnoses and I hope you are getting the support you deserve.
thank you!
You caught me off guard with the little reference to the song "you're so vain" hahaha
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're clairvoyantly aware of exactly what kind of video I needed this week, but I suppose a lot of people need this message around the holidays. Thanks as always for your work :-) ❤
My Eureka Moment came while watching the 70s movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest with my female anti parent . She referred to the sadistic controlling head nurse in the story as a “nice calm woman” 🤯. Of course she acted just like Nurse Ratched
Yeh, my brother is only the status quo enabler in my family of origin, but we both watched Better Call Saul and I saw Jimmy as a flawed good guy. He saw Chuck as the good guy and Jimmy as the bad guy. I said ''are you serious?''. He was. Omg. My entire family is a batch of automatons. Growing up, watching TV with my Mum, she would always ''narrate'' the plot and characterisation, I couldn't just sit there and watch, I had to be TOLD how to interpret what was happening.
I related so much to this essay sometimes I froze listening, because it felt like you had watched my childhood exactly. This must have been so painful to put into words, but thank you for doing it for all of us with similar experiences.
I don’t know if there’s a good enough way to articulate how much these videos have impacted my life. I have watched your videos since I was 16, deconstructing, beginning therapy, and starting to understand my childhood - I’m now 22. A lot has happened. I was in the middle of serious growth and self reflection when I unfortunately entered a relationship with an abuser who was craftier, better at lying, and so much more dangerous than the situation I grew up in. I lost my sense of self entirely, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever recover. I became a traumatized shell of a person. But for the last year I’ve put a lot of time and effort towards understanding relationship dynamics, how to recognize abuse, unlearning codependency, and understanding how trauma has impacted me physically as well. I started doing EMDR, joined a local jiujitsu gym (turns out that martial arts are AMAZING for mood regulation and overcoming PTSD). I finally feel at peace, for the very first time. I’m happy, with who I am and who I’m becoming. Your work has been there through every step of my journey. A hopeful and curious girl, a hopeless, lost, and defeated victim, and now someone who is growing into so much strength. Thank you.
That's fantastic to hear. Love that phrase 'growing into so much strength'. Some poisonous individuals fly into our lives under the radar don't they. The fact that this person took you to the point of feeling like a shell and you came back stronger shows your tremendous resilience.
I can imagine how martial arts could help with mood regulation. For me, swimming helped a lot in that way. Thank you for sharing this. I wish you continued peace.
Not to belittle or undignify your very powerful and personal story, but... We, the Internet, have missed you. We need that soothing voice of emotional reason now more than ever.
Also, holy carp, ending such an account on an emotional cliffhanger like that! Masterful.
I was SO devastated at the thought that you might not post again. No youtube content has been more beneficial and meaningful in my life than your videos. I’m so grateful for your work for this world BIG thank you!!
I literally checked his channel a couple weeks ago thinking the same thing. So happy to see a new post!
"She was so vain, she'd probably think this video was about her"
I see what you did there~ 😉
23:32
You’re telling my story here. I cut off my mom and dad several months ago. It’s been a long road of suffering, but now I am free. I do think about them every day. But the memories are fading quickly, and with that there is more room for living in my life
I once told my parents when I was in my early 20s that I would feel nothing when they died, same with my siblings, too. I wasn't trying to attack, to hurt them, or to manipulate. I was communicating my emotional landscape, or lackthereof, as by that point, I had been experiencing alexithymia. When my father passed, I felt nothing. It was only some time later I had a moment of sadness, brief, because I could not share music with him, an artist we both enjoyed and their latest album. Many years later, I started to move out of alexithymia, improving on my interoceptive awareness, and eventually learned that my childhood was actually traumatic. I didn't understand that. I thought my problems stemmed from being autistic, not traumas. Now, I realize that in telling my parents what I had, they should have suggested I go to therapy, and yet, nobody would support me emotionally. My mother would blame me for everything, even called me a monster once, when I was just looking out for myself. I was a kid. Fuck them.
Question.
You cut off you’re whole family? All of them?
Do some of them Have a good relationship with each other?
I ask because it could be the case that your whole family is dysfunctional. but, more likely, there is a common denominator there.
Maybe they tell this story about you?
@@marcoglara2012 I never said I cut them off.
Colder than the Arctic😂 I love the way you think
This man is an almost perfect embodiment of every belief I have and now given me vocabulary that will be priceless in the coming days, please get him some kind of award or recognition, this world needs a positive example.
Edit: This is almost word for word what is happening to me now, this could not have arrived at a better time.
Edit 2: Watching this I now realize that there are things I have witnessed things that I will never unsee and voids that will go forever unfilled, as I write this, an impostor of my own sits mere feet away from me as I have been forced from my self-imposed confinement and made to endure her vile actions, I know not what I am to do once it and it's influence is excised from my mind but what I will always know that it has given up any right to parenting and it is far, _far_ too late for an apology.
Wishing you strength and comfort.
Thanks for your insight. My partner is a complete cluster b clusterf... which i didnt realize in the beginning (like you said they show their masks). Im looking forward to the day we separate but until then i need to be the parent that your dad couldnt be. Knowing my partner i feel so sorry for your childhood, but you have shown that recovery and strength can come out of it.
Thank you, on behalf of whoever your raising. Standing up for them now will save years of mental anguish and missed opportunity down the line. I wish you the best stranger, and wish my father had your mentality
I had the misfortune to have two parents and two step-parents, and 3 of them were cluster B. My mother, father, and stepmother were all narcissists, and possibly more. All the parts you went over in the damage section were things I experienced from birth to age 19. I've been no-contact with them for 7 years now, but I havent been able to afford therapy. Your videos on things like this have helped me out a lot with unpacking what I went through, and trying to step past it. Thank you for making these.
I was no contact with my mom for 11 years. We reconnected after my grandpa died. We discussed my childhood experiences and how they hurt me. She apologized and I thought we could begin our relationship anew. 2 years later, back to no contact because she was mad that I didn't wait around for her all day to celebrate my son's 1st birthday. (She showed up to go to Build-a-Bear at 8 PM!) And she didn't even tell me that she was mad about it. She ghosted me and my dad told me months later why she did it. They can only keep their mask on for so long. It slipped a few times before we went no contact again, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Never again.
My grandfather was a toxic person who, due to the situation I was in when he was alive, I was tethered to daily. He was in a state of declining health until last year when he died. I felt bad being at his funeral, with my father crying over losing his dad, and not feeling anything myself. This really helped me think about it differently. Thank you.
npc@@youshouldnotthinkaboutit4838
You already suffered through the emotional stuff, whether anger or grief that ought to have happened after a loss.
You already lost a grandfather long ago and delt with it.
Bea Arthur was an amazing woman in life, unlike the imposter! I enjoyed listening to this! Happy New Year!
What is her story?
15:00 This literally explains and matches my upbringing 1-for-1; I, too, was constantly obsessing over losing my mind, after the abuse I'd been put through.
I would literally feel that I didn't need to think of the future, because mine was set in stone: being committed to a mental asylum.
I still refuse to believe I was put through all of that for no reason, and nobody stepped in to intervene; all of the relatives knew about the abuse that was going on, not a single one stepped in to stop it.
I grew up a confrontational, paranoid person, the type of a person who expects to be put through what I'd been put through as a child. I never learned to get along with people, and like an abused dog I'm in a permanent fight/defense mode.
Eventually I figured everything out, and have learned to correct my behavior; and yet, the scars are too deep, up until this day I'm extremely mistrustful of others; I expect abuse and exploitation from virtually all the people I interact with.
Everybody knows me to be a confrontative, paranoid shut-in ... oh man, I wish they knew what I'd been put through to finally see the world - at least for a few seconds - from the perspective I see it.
I went no contact with my parents and when my father died I felt almost nothing. Like 2pac said, he passed away and I didn't cry because my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger. I was past the anger stage and in total indifference. My father was distant all my life. He had issues he never understood or accepted to be there even. I was born on accident, 5 years after my sister. Her getting attention stopped and she hated me all my life. She sa-ed me and told me that nobody wanted me. I believed her and still feel like people would rather not have me around. I am introverted and a very nice person. I get triggered when people are not overly nice like I am so people are not my kind of beings. This is a lonely life. It took very long for me to understand that I am not worthless and now I understand that being the scapegoat scarred me for life. I'm going to let the second half of my life be the good half. A small step for me is a step forward which makes me happy. Little things like meeting a cat outside that lets me pet it. The cat does not hate me. I don't hate me. It's just the rest of the worlds I don't believe. When a woman likes me, I don't trust it or even thinks she's dumb for having feelings for me. I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before she starts hating me and I find reasons to not be nice to her because my standards of nice are out of wack. I wonder what I will feel when my mother passes away. Sadness, relief. I went no contact years ago, then went back after my father died. She did not invite me to his funeral and wants me to think magically my invitation was lost..... She did not invite me and all the people that went believe it was my choice not to go. All those people are idiots to me because they never even spoke to me. I always was the outsider. i was like a dog they never wanted. I know I'm making the right decisions now but the deep sadness and getting over it is a slow process. I don't cry, I don't know how. I have bad dream a lot that sometimes create my feeling for that day. Oh and I smoked weed for about 25 years and am glad i stoped doing that but I also think it saved me from going insane. I eat healthy, learn about psychology and I'm gonna make the best of it. Even being alone, alone for christmas, nobody telling me happy birthday. Thank you for this video.
Dear theramin trees,I do agree this is ART. To be able to demonstrate these “ invisible” concepts, is masterful- a gift.you are helping save so many …you are. Gift, a talented GOOD man.
Jesus I think I needed this. My most recent ex had a habit of telling me that she knew what I was thinking and what I really meant and who I really am because she could "see right through" me. Hearing those exact same words really made it click that maybe she wasn't as innocent about her behaviors as I thought.
HOORAY!!! A long TheraminTrees video!
Thank you for sharing your story. Can't wait for part 2
Your thorough and precise understanding of these nightmarish creatures is apparent in your videos. It is admirable. I wish to reach your level of understanding and articulateness. Moreover, your music rocks! Through understanding, surely, we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from these abusive freaks.
I often wonder how long his videos take due to their clarity and articulateness. The animation, music, and lovely tone of voice are the cherry on top.
My dad is an awful manipulative man, when me and my siblings were kids we would all congregate in the living room for the most part if my dad entered the room we would just leave for another room. He would constantly gaslight my mother and he would frequently be violent breaking things around the house and generally scaring the shit out of all of us.
We all grew up and eventually moved out of the family home, 3 of us literally moving to the exact opposite side of the world.
We all call fairly frequently to talk with mom, but he always answers the phone and talks about nothing for the first few minutes before passing the phone over, the phone is always on loudspeaker and I feel like my father's always in the way, at least when we were kids he'd often be at work but now he's always there and I can't relax and have a normal conversation with my mother to the point that she feels like a stranger to me now.
I wish my father would just go away and leave us all in peace.
I've been wishing that since I was a kid, asking my mom why we don't just all run away. I'm in my 40s now and my parents are getting old and I feel like this man has not just ruined my siblings and my childhood but now his stealing the last years we have with our mother. I hate him for this
the sections "the infant mind" and "symptoms of damage" almost made me cry. This is exactly what I went through, I just didn't know how to word it. Thank you, Theramintrees.
'Look! Her hair is totally different, now!'
That got me laughing. Good grief!
Not sure how I'll feel when my fragile narcissist dies but I expect it will be relief, mostly, for both her and me. Tormented existence she's had but mostly through her own doing and abject stubbornness.
Thank-you TheraminTrees for popping this up on the last day of 2023. With your help, I was able to address my maladaptive development and, with Transactional Analysis, turned the key which opened the padlocks I had on myself.
Looking forward to Part II!
Happy New Year everyone!
Honestly, it's like we had the same family or something. My grandmother (father's mother) raised me. I have come to realize she had narcissistic personality disorder, and her and the woman you describe are so uncannily similar it's like it can't be real. I knew something was wrong as a child and thought it was abuse, and I desperately wanted to tell someone, but I knew I couldn't explain it. I just felt I could never make someone understand and the risks were so great. To make matters worse, my father and mother lived in the same house. My father was horrifically physically abusive and always angry and so uninvolved in my life in any positive way. Shockingly, when my mother and father divorced my mother wanted me to go with her, but I told her I wanted to stay, because I knew my grandmother as mom and I was loyal to her. I am almost 50 now. I am going to try therapy again. I may never be healed before I am dead, but maybe things will be better.
About a week ago I was wondering where you had been. You really helpt me understand myself better and gave me the language for describing my issues with my therapist. Thank you!
Oneshot?
@@spaghettiisyummy.3623 yes?
Some months ago, while sitting at home, away from the place i grew up, I decided I would adopt myself, right then and there. To provide myself with the nurturing that I did not receive growing up, to be the father figure I wished I'd had. Lately, I've started to feel proud of myself. I'm really growing up. I'm a loving, caring person, far from perfect, but far from the man who once was my father.
Thank you, Theremin, you've inspired me to look into my past, your videos have helped me to understand my family dynamics, and to choose differently. You've really helped me
It is cathartic how relatable your situation is to mine. I grew up with good parents, but they raised me as a Jehovah's Witness and I felt the same things you did: excessive guilt over lying to protect myself, "split personalities" as I needed to mask to appease zealots, and impostor syndrome thinking I must be awful to attain a high position (elder) in this religion despite being such a "sinner". Just starting to heal though still stuck in the religion as a PIMO for physical/financial safety ... for now. I testified in the PA grand jury investigation and 14 have been arrested so far.
Happy to hear your voice again, been watching your content for years, and it’s really helped me grow as a person and overcome a lot.
I relate so much it hurts.
I was not a cunning child like you were. And my mother is almost as bad, but I'd say not that far.
For me, I ended up becoming a more helpless person. I can't do anything for myself. I became dependent. And this creates a horrible, twisted attachment of insecurity between the parent. Where you need them, but need to get away from them. Which in turn increases the guilt.
There is genuine love that my mom surely must feel for me. Or at least, I want to believe that.
But for everything she has done... It is hard to recall moments where I knew that I loved her. It is much easier to recall the moments that I hated her. And I don't hate often, for other people.
As for my dad, it's similar to yours, though he found other ways to defend himself as well.
Almost the entire video rings true for me.
I'm now 27, and have several mental health issues I cannot get rid of. I've dreamed since I was 13 to live away from them. It's incredible how I still haven't managed. I live through a mask around them to appease them and keep the peace. But I dream of one day cutting those ties.
For what it's worth, I'm 29, in a similar situation and I feel you.
My mum certainly has all of the classic narcissistic and abusive tendencies, but they don't manifest all of the time and she can genuinely be very sweet as well. It has always been very confusing to deal with and it's hard to not see some something sinister within that sometimes.
It really depends on her mood, which unfortunately can and often will change rapidly and for no apparent reason. Just a very volatile and explosive personality. And it's endless, it's like living in a timeloop. She never learns from our many fights, no matter how hard or often I try to tell her how they could be avoided. She's just not capable of changing. Sometimes it's honestly hard to imagine she's even a real person, someone capable of self-awareness.
My dad I wouldn't call abusive. He has always put me down, but I don't believe that he ever did it out of malice. He's just inept, ignorant and insensitive, like a lot of men, and like a lot of parents, especially at his age and from his culture. He can't really help himself. I think he cares about me, but he doesn't really know or understand me as a person at all, and I'm too exhausted by the both of them to ever reciprocate or let either of them into my inner world.
I've been complacent and struggled with learnt helplessness all my life. I never managed to make something of myself. I do have a degree but haven't done anything with it yet. Now that I'm trying, it might already be too late. I still don't really believe in myself and find nothing intrinsically motivating about doing something for my own sake. I've always been an outcast and haven't really found anyone who cares about me or my feeling. I feel inadequate and like a total failure compared to everyone around me. But I do want to keep trying anyway. I guess I do still hold out hope that there's someone out there for me after all, who cares and genuinely likes me. That's worth living for.
@@neonfatum stay strong and continue trying to seek a path of independence forward. Judging from the comments in this video, this is quite a common life occurrence so that shows that we are not alone in this struggle.
@@neonfatum What the fuck, dude... Are you me? Everything you described is exactly the same. Except I don't have a degree.
@@neonfatumAs someone who's 25 and finishing their degree only at 26, don't you give up hope because I haven't either
So sorry to hear that you had to endure the utter cruelty of the imposter. I can empathise, having had to endure an uncannily similar imposter of my own. Here's to healing and parenting ourselves with lashings of love, respect and joy ♥️🌷
What impostor?
Uhhh... "lashings"? I agree with your basic message, but the word really seems out of place here
@@natantitelbaum6061Amogus.
@@natantitelbaum60618:17
I thought the same..."lashings" conjures up negative images@@ignasmaciulis1095
You are the reason why I am starting to discover I love psychology, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will never know the validation and relief and comfort I feel hearing your account. It’s very similar to my own family dynamic.
Instead of figuring out my step-surrogate’s facade in childhood, it took me way longer. I’m in my 30’s now. I have a parental hole in my life, and the expression “patchwork parents” absolutely describes what I have had to do for myself. My mom was “Walter”. I went through all of the feelings, good parent/bad parent, disappointment, betrayal, and then not considering either of them parents at all. I hear of other people having great relationships with their parents and I wish mine could be that way. I wish you well in life, and again, I cannot express accurately how much your videos mean to me. Thank you.❤
you know its a great year when it has 2 TheraminTrees videos
What you said in the end, about creating a "patchwork" parent, is something I've felt for years, and especially the past year, deciding to go no-contact with my "family", it was really touching. Even though I wasn't "blessed" enough to be born into a loving family, I feel very blessed to have met people in my life that could cover for my 'parents" shortcomings, and affect me so greatly in such a wonderful way. Real family, the people that really matter, are chosen and found throughout life, and not necessarily the "family" that one is born in. Even though I am affected greatly by the situation, as I am traumatized and I am still carrying an open wound, that thought gives me strength.
I'm sorry you had to go though all of that in your childhood (and much more I assume). But I'm thankful that the world has someone like you now to help us digest our own traumas. Its not easy to get out the trap of abuse and not everyone is strong to oppose and fight free. Your videos help others recognize their own pains and traps. And for that I'm deeply thankful. My humblest thanks for your work sir.
My mother is similar to your mother. I also have a narcissistic elder brother. I often wonder what my life would look like if I had a normal mother. I honestly feel emotionally stunted and guarded. Caregiving was dispensed as a duty and felt as if it was done without any warmth or desire. I am very good at spotting superficial people, so I have my mother to thank for that. It took living with my brother to fully realise the insidiousness of their personalities. My mother, to her credit, is more honest now and openly admits her divergence from social norms, and she knows she cannot hide behind a mask with me or my eldest sister. My brother, on the other hand, does not realise how utterly superficial and fake he is in company. He derives his value in putting others beneath him and disregards the positives in others when it doesnt benefit him.
Your videos on abuse helped me escape a toxic "friend" group who were the worst things to ever happen to me.
My life is tangibly better without having to endure their onslaught every second of my existence.
I was already aware of the sham of Religious groups but i found your content on them affirming.
No clue if you'll even see this but im extremely grateful for the massive positive impact you left in my life. I hope your affairs and whatnot are going swimmingly as well.
You have positively impacted my life in a way that is only exceeded by the people that I actually know and interact with in real life. Thank you for the absolutely exceptional content.
I have to say, the only problem I have with you and your channel is that there isn't more of it. I'm not saying to make more content to appease people like me, especially since I'm not a patron. I just would like to see more of you, more often. I can't and won't ask the same of your brother, of course, since I remember him saying he's retired.
Your insight has helped me a lot. Please continue to help people.
i kinda hope hes running out of problems to talk about, not because i dislike his videos, but because i wish there were less problems
Did his brother also post videos?
@@lol785612349Yes, his name is QualiaSoup. His channel is still up, I think.
@@lol785612349 I thought I replied to this. Yes, his brother did post videos as well. His channel name is QualiaSoup.
i really can't quantify the number of people you've likely helped with your work over the years, including the help i've received and tried to pass along to others. these videos are massively helpful for anyone recovering from abusive systems, and i'm beyond grateful you've put so much thought and effort into this channel. thank you, from my whole heart.
The best days are the days you post. Thanks for this one.
ffs... This hits the marks 100% and I am beyond thankful for you raising your voice verbalising these issues. I'm sorry this is your experience, your videos are more than helpful in the other ways I've tried getting help.
I have never gotten too torn up when anyone died. I thought that it was just because I wasn't close enough to them. I always imagined that when my mother died, I would completely lose it. She happened to die much sooner than I expected, yet I couldn't find a tear. I was just dumb struck. I find that part of me somewhat disturbing. There is nobody in the world i loved more than her, yet I have never shed a tear about her death.
I somewhat relate to that. In my case it seems that I have some level of aphantasia and that changes the grieving process. It is almost like they are just on holiday somewhere else.
I relate to that with my grandma. I cried only a handful of times but grew up with her constantly around and she was like a second mom. It's weird but I'm not mad about it either that I seem to grieve like that. I'm almost more afraid of absolutely losing it and derailing my life because of a close loss
Hello psychopath.
@@aussie405that’s interesting, I have aphantasia and I grieve hard but I never realized why I always couldn’t believe they were actually gone, just out of sight. Thats very insightful of you and weirdly helpful to this random stranger.
This really makes me appreciate my own parents being so accepting of me an my atheism and your videos played a large part in the process and I have to thank you about that, this channel really helped me in my personal life
Almost dropped my phone when the notification popped. Good to have you back lad!
Haha, I got a pop up notification, and wanted to wipe the notification on my mobile away... (thought it was just a new UA-cam video from one of my subscribed channels.)
But then, I realized it's Theramin Trees.... like you, I was so surprised for 1 second :)
And happy
I wish there will me more videos in the future!
almost dropped my computer
This is absolutely, "Roberta Flack, Killing me softly"! I found out months ago my Jehovah's Witness 'mother' who has shunned me for 40+ years died back in 2021.
Part II on this video, please!!!! I've actually watched this a couple times...
Amazing work.
Thank you so much for this video. I’m very much looking forward to part 2. My mother is very similar to yours, as is my father.
Your explanations are so clear and your reasoning so logical that it does help me immensely to get out of my own confusion. Especially the idea of one good and one bad parent is one that I was battling with. I still find myself feeling protective of my father. My reason is my compassion with and sadness about him having been a child of WW2 who always had to function and was never allowed to choose his own road because of the extreme poverty and later his felt responsibility to stay in his marriage. But I’m becoming less and less sure of that conviction. Like you, I made the conscious decision to use my pain for breaking that pattern and being a kind, responsible person. I’m still learning to be that to myself as well.
This was painful and cathartic. So beautifully descriptive of the chaos of a child's mind and emotions at the hands of a cluster B parent. You speak for those who have never been able to voice their inner world. Thank you.❤
Being told you're lying about how you feel is something I unfortunately have experience with, although not nearly as bad as you.
Often times when I was a kid, I'd say things like "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty," and my parents would respond "you ain't hungry" or "you ain't thirsty..."
One day I questioned them and asked, "How do you know how I feel? You're not me..." And they got mad. To this day, I still don't know why. I wasn't shouting, I wasn't rude. I just had a legit question.
I often tell myself, "If I ever have kids, I hope I don't become like my parents."
Yep! also, "I am hurting". "No, you're a hyperchondriac," which even now, aged 68 and after years of therapy, goes deep and causes me to ignore my needs and delay getting medical help.
Because you said that last sentence, I'm sure it will come true. It's the people without that awareness who continue the cycle of abuse.
How you talk about them trying to erase you is so real to me. Recently I came to notice how my parents love me, but not truly. What is really happening is that they only love the convinient parts of me; they will be nice when I show the parts they like but then humilate and demonize me when they come across parts they dont like and then try to bully me into changing or just pretend that those features of me simply do not exist. Fortunately, they have not succeded and I have been able to construct my true self despite their efforts to mold me into something they would preffer.
Thank you so much for make me feel seen, I know I am not alone.
This hit me majorly hard. My mother was the fire breathing monster, and my father was the enabler, completely and totally checked out.
I related to so much of this story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I am unable to go no contact with either of my parental units at this point. My life is a wreck and I'm trying to rebuild after four decades of abuse and neglect from them and my ex spouse. I hate my parents at this point in my recovery journey. We are nothing to each other and that was their decision. I won't shed a tear when either of them pass. I'll only be relieved the nightmare is finally over.
Thank you again for being vulnerable and sharing your heartache with us.
by binging your entire channel, i've realized something. for a while, i've believed, deep down, that my mother is cluster b and my father is an enabler. my issue has been a sense of shame underscoring those feelings, due to my mother's upbringing. her "mother" was terribly abusive and neglectful, and she has several horrible stories she tells from time to time of her childhood. the fact she had such a lack of parenting has made me think that i don't deserve to call what i have endured "abuse." this idea has been backed up by her and my father on multiple occasions, only perpetuating its existence in my head after every thought i get watching these videos. i think this is something i need to begin to talk about, when i go into therapy, instead of making everything my fault.
You are very insightful,
My "mother" told me one day that I don't know her nor her parents and upbringing. In her mind her suffering is bigger than anyone else's. Therefore she's entitled to do whatever to feel safe and secure, even destroy the family she created to adore her 😒
oh my god friend! It's been forever since I saw you post! I hope you're okay! love you
Wow, the timing on this one. I recently got back in contact with my siblings and learned all of them have given up on our birth giver entirely like I have. She got married to a very abusive man and all of us hated him, but she loved him despite all the red flags and blatant abuse he did right in front of her. She's now completely lost to his manipulations and has isolated herself from her family entirely. If she passed away tomorrow, I would not give it much thought at all like TheraminTrees.
This could not be more relevant for me as my mom passed in February of this year. I had difficulty feeling much in the way of grief at her passing. Like your brother, I stayed in limited contact as I was responsible for her financial welfare. My sister went no-contact, and my brothers had occasional contact via phone. I had already grieved the childhood and relationship I should have had. 89 years with her had worn me out. Thank you for this video.
I relate to this sentiment a lot.
Thank you for featuring me at the beginning! I'd never dreamed that I'd see myself in the opening credits to one of your videos!
And thank you for tackling this subject with so much care and compassion.
Thanks Sonicsuns. You're very welcome! Peace.
I haven’t lost my mother yet but when she was in the grips of cancer I wasn’t really praying for her to get better…. I kind of pre-accepted her death and honestly felt that it was almost like the universe was taking care of going non-contact for me.
Man... I am right there with you. I have said to myself and others on more than one occasion that, even though I was "raised" by my mother, I have never _known_ my mother, because I was always dealing with an artificial personality. Similarly, my mother has never known me, because I was only ever encouraged to play some supporting role in whatever grand production was being put on that day. I didn't even begin to develop a genuine personality until my early thirties - which was way more challenging than I would have originally thought.
Thanks for your excellent videos. I hope to see the second part of your Cluster B Parent video soon, the first part was really interesting.
That's extremely generous. Thank you! Part two is approaching the finish line. Hoping to upload in the next couple of weeks.
This video described a lot of what I’m going through now…I’m at the stage where I’m cutting contact with my mother (cluster b) and father (my therapist calls him “the orbiting parent”).
Ironically, my father is also named Walter, this video really hit close to home for me, as many of your experiences you share seem to do!
'The orbiting parent’ - reminds me of an image I've sometimes used: 'the moon parent'. Revolving lifelessly. I wish you well with your detachment. Peace.
Yes, that's exactly what it means too. They have little to no impact in the child's life and their own life seems to primarily revolve around pleasing the second parent...even when it means neglecting the various needs of their children in the process.
Thank you so much for the response, @@TheraminTrees. I can't tell you how helpful your channel has been over the years. Your videos were what first helped me in the beginning of my journey towards stepping away from my abusive and religious upbringing and unlearning the fears and anxieties that came with it. They continue to be incredibly relatable, helpful and healing. I look forward to part 2, take care! :)
Watching this video felt like my own childhood being read back to me. Watching this video helped me realize why my little brother always seemed to be so angry towards my parents. He saw and recognized everything they were doing long before I did. I'm 25 and I'm learning to undo the damage that was done and videos like yours have helped a lot. Your videos have opened my mind to so many things that I couldn't see before.
I can't fully express how helpful your videos are.
I was raised by, either cluster B or just shy of a cluster B parent, my mother, and my dad (they were divorced).
Their dynamic is a softer version of yours,
it mimicks my grandparents on my moms side. Unfortunately my mom wasn't completely disconnected from reality, and was incredibly smart, so I only began to untangle what mess I had to deal with at 17, and at 23 I'm still unwrapping it.
And sadly, I didn't have the friends nor figures I could go to in my vulnerable times, and now, no matter how much I try now, I can never find inner peace.
I habitually behave appropriately wherever I go, but people don't want me in their lives.
And those that did, ended up hating the deeper pieces of who I was, even if they were mostly harmless. And instead of communicating, and leaving, they chose to use my broken pieces, to break me further.
I'm aimless. I don't have an internal self thats satisfied. I don't trust others. I don't trust myself.
but, when I watch your videos, I feel oddly at peace. Like... someone else can understand, and care.
And for that, I thank you.
❤ Thank you for sharing. Have a Happy New Year. Drive safely
Trust that further healing and trying will get you at least one or two friends that won't mess with you mentally.
🧸 hugs! glad you felt heard for once ❤
Thank you! I was waiting for a new video, and I was wondering if everything is okay...
Your videos have helped me a lot, going through different problems, like leaving organized religion, deconstructing from manipulation and indoctrination, and working on overcoming childhood trauma.
Your videos are so calm and rational, yet so colorful and emotional, it is a pleasure to watch them. Your videos help a lot. I send you grettings from Germanyvand wish you a wonderful New Year. I will always be happy to watch your videos. Take care
I'm so excited for part 2!!!!!! This was a perfect deconstruction of my own childhood experience. I'm on the edge of my seat knowing how you've dealt with the later steps. The adult child surviving and how to cope with intense pain of the years of abuse. I got C-PTSD and lots of physical ailments caused by constant developmental toxic stress.
When my Dad died, I didn't really care - I was just glad he couldn't harm anyone anymore. He never acted against me (thank goodness) but when I found out what he did, he died to me that day.
Edit: I'm glad you made it through what the "Imposter" put you through.
I watch a lot of videos about psychology and history and crimes and nothing has been almost too hard to watch until I watched this. Thank you for sharing your feelings - knowing other people felt this way has been very helpful for me
Ever since my dutch teacher showed me one of your videos, I feel more and more "normal" about many topics in life. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone.