Holy shit this man is powerful, sometimes I watch these videos when I feel like I am being abused or mistreated, and that comment confirms what I thought. Jesus christ I feel so called out and kind of scared now.
💯💯💯 It's smart not to trust them when they proved you many times in the past that they are not trustworthy. When they claim that you are cruel, that's projection, manipulation thru guilt tripping and gaslighting. Once again, proof that you should not trust them.
"For many targets, listening to other's stories can be a powerful detox, it's not uncommon for targets to go through a period of binge watching. It's not about wallowing in misery, it's about bathing in the acknowledgment of reality" Beautiful and poetic.
Tell them it isn't possible to make them feel guilty. They have no soul. Or...How could I make you feel guilty if YOU have nothing to feel guilty about and I am the one who is wrong all the time...BITCH?!?!?!?!?
my mom said this a lot. i told her, if you had nothing to feel guilty about, then me criticizing your behavior shouldn't make you feel guilty in the first place. of course, abusers don't listen to logic. i just ignore her now.
This is a very important topic, especially in a time when many people are literally trapped at home with their abusers by the pandemic. Thank you, TheraminTrees.
Thanks SnarkbotAnya. Horrendous time for so many isn't it. A UK organisation mentioned in the video, called 'Relate', reported a 900% increase in calls during lockdown.
@@TheraminTrees truly insane,but it is also a time where people finally wake up to their abuse,like I did,no small part because of you.The infantalazation came in the perfect time and so did this.Are you spying on me you brit ?? Lol.
Yes, just because it is not a person or religious relationship, NO free passes to those non-religious, $cientific and corporate govt "groups" roping us in, forcing, coercing, bullying, indoctrinating. Of course they promise to $ave us all, to "the promised land" (Ewe-topia) if we will Obey, and not question their superior credentials and force everyone around us to do the same. Hmmmm, group $alvation, sounds so tempting. $laveation? Otherwise, just like a narcissistic parent or partner.
@@3ittybittypiggiesstorytime547 well i mean no shit do your research but are you advocating like the whole "skeptics" who call bullshit to anything that hurts them no matter how the facts actually stack up?
Oh my god same! Especially if the abusers themselves were abused in their past!! The moment you complain about their abusive behavior, they call you an ungrateful spoiled child because you didn't suffer as much as they did. I don't care if the abuser suffered more, what they're doing is wrong anyways and isn't justified!
It gets really hard when you go to a therapist for help because you're confused about the world and have no sense of what is true or not, what is acceptable vs unacceptable, because you've lived with the abuser and your world view is shaky, and then the therapist doubts you and treats you like the abuser.
When you said that, as a child, you drew a page of your superhero comic every night, I thought, "wow, that's amazing! Such discipline from a little kid!" That is the healthy reaction of an adult to a child's achievement. The fact that your mother saw that and felt so threatened by it that she felt the need to destroy it rather than celebrate it, speaks to how low and fragile the ego of narcissistic abusers truly is.
It's nice to hear someone say that cutting my abuser out of my life was the right thing to do. So many people tell me that it's my responsibility to forgive my mother for everything she did to me. Even other victims of abuse tell me that I should forgive her, because she's my mother, and oh, how many times has she forgiven me, when I messed up??? They tell me that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't forgive her while she's still alive. But I wasn't allowed to mess up. I had to be the good kid, the personal therapist, the best friend, from as early an age as 7. I had to give her dating advice, and echo her political ideologies back at her, and parrot her racist jokes and opinions. I make no mention of how bad she got as I got older, even telling my brother that she waited until I was 18 to do drugs again, while actively berating me for not having a job while her husband tore my applications to shreds. There is nothing left of her to forgive if I wanted to, and as far as I'm concerned, she can think I'm dead, for all she's worth to me.
Good for you for knowing your own mind. I think it's part of the whole recovery process that we stop listening to people telling us what we 'should' do to recover, and start doing what we know feels authentic and right for us. If some folks want to forgive, that's fine for them - and if they want to suggest it as an option that works for some people, no problem. But 'responsibility'? Nope - then they lose their audience. And I actually tend to see that kind of attempted coercion as a 'flea' picked up in the malignant environment - a remnant of the poison, not yet fully flushed out. Forgiveness is not a necessary part of moving on - and certainly not a moral obligation.
I feel like genuine forgiveness can't come from a "should", but has to come from a "want." And that doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to want to do that. That's her mistake, you sound like a good, supportive person.
To "Forgive" just means to let go of the desire to punish, or to let go of a debt someone owes you. If you are not looking to hurt someone or take from them then you have forgiven them. To cut an abuser out of your life is not incompatible with forgiveness.
it takes a real psychological sickness to tear up someone else's first creative work, when they're a CHILD. Grateful you had your brother and other outlets to develop such a reasonable and compassionate understanding of humans to share with us.
same happened to me when i was 14.. i had depression back then coz of how toxic n verbaly abusive my mom was n had no one to talk to.. i just had my personal diary where i draw out my feelings instead of writing n one day she found out n in front of me she ripped it apart..... i actually hav no words to say how i felt... but later things got slightly better but now im 17 n im afraid my old days r back again... i came out to fam saying im bi (imma girl) n she acted like she accepted me...now getting verbally abused for it.... so badly i cant even think much anymore... but unlike those old days now i hav three amazing true friends who accept me n a really loving gf who understands me more than anything...they r like the wells mentioned here for me..... but now that im 17 im physically much stronger to resist her...but she still continues ugh i just wanna get outta here asap
Narcissists do that . It was a chronic problem with my mother destroying things she knew I made and/ or cared about . Everyone wondered why I didn’t cry at her funeral. You just don’t miss sadists .
@Jep Sep NYU. Idk what anonymous prophet you get informed from, but that's quite the leap you're making between an economic ideology and people who disapprove of child abuse. When a mother locks a child in a basement for weeks, is that defensible to you IF she did it to teach a lesson not to cross her? What about branding? Or forcing violence or sexual acts between siblings? To teach lessons of obedience or humility of course... Is there a line you draw based on any ethical principle? Obviously destroying a child's first creative work in front of them doesn't register as abusive parenting to you, so I worry how much farther you would go with a dependent child.
I know this video is months old but I'd like to put in that forgiving your abuser and re-connecting with them can seem tempting when the people around you say they've changed. Even if they have changed, mentally you will never forget what they are capable of, them changing doesn't mean that you owe them forgiveness or a second chance in your life.
@@KitchenWitchery children that aren't planned, are more than 60% of Earth's children. I am one, born too 17 year old and what I "took" from my parent.
Listening to your story about making that comic and your mother just thumbing through it and ripping it up had me tearing up. I relate too well. I had a fairly troubled home life as a child and in my early teens I started keeping a journal with poems that wasn't meant to be read and marked private. My parents found my writing stash and, rather than respecting my privacy, read through an entire composition notebook. They left it open on the dining room table to a page clearly about my abusive stepfather and the smug disgusting look he had on his face from destroying the safe haven of a scared child has never left me. Thank you for your videos.
I'm sorry that happened to both of you. My parents weren't really like that. I guess we just went to lots of different churches. I've probably heard all about a Hell as a kid from multiple Protestant faiths. How you avoided Hell wasn't even necessarily the same, but as long as I did whatever the latest people told me to do and prayed whatever they asked me to pray right? I got this pretty vivid memory as a kid of sitting way up in the top branch of an orange tree in my grandma's back yard (grandma was _very_ religious) like from light until it got dark, sitting in that tree thinking about what I had to do to avoid going to Hell. Strategizing my best course of action. It was the most important thing in the world to me, for obvious reasons. I should have just been a kid climbing a tree.
Same, I drew a nude work of art that I was really proud of (inspired by a Greco-Roman statue) when my mom came into my room. She went off about nudity being evil and original sin, then she ripped it up and laughed. I could later hear her laughing about it with a friend over the phone. I haven't drawn a nude since.
@@DrDeathpwnsu It's so much pressure so young. Its unfortunate that so many of us are raised in these ways. I was raised JW (a Christian cult, but I digress). No hell in the doctrine, but a teaching of permanent death at the end of the world. The demise of humanity had played out in my head so many times by the time I was 12 I was both paranoid about and numb to god killing me off one day. It's nice when we can escape these ways of thinking but chilling to think about how many of those seeds are being planted in children right now.
@@dorothypierre754 I'm sorry we all share experiences like this. It's unfortunate such experiences are so common. And for what? Regardless of religious belief or moral hangups, it's not like laughing in your face was ever going to make you into a better person. Such behavior truly is abusive.
@@WalkingAnarchy Yeah, I had the "liberal Christian" parents who wanted me to, you know, see all the different churches and "make up my own mind" I guess. As long as making up my own mind was being Christian and not Catholic or Mormon or anything. They'd have told me JWs were a cult for sure, but at least I wouldn't have this fear of hell had I been a JW. They're both still religious. But with my mom it's just like, she just changes the subject, "Oh that's just what we believe. How are you? How is XYZ?" etc. With my Dad it's like he's the most intelligent, rational, sanest dude you can imagine, but I guess back in 1989 he says he saw God and he knows how that sounds but it's proof for him... I don't know why it is you know, it shouldn't matter what my parents think, it should only matter what I think, but somehow _it_ _does_ _matter_ to me and I have hard time convincing myself what I can't convince them. Does that even make sense?
This couldn't have come at a better time. Earlier today I got into a spat with my mother (with whom I live) regarding my independence and refusal to go to church this morning. She has a habit of trying to control my appearance and relationships, and she even invades my privacy by looking at my financial records before giving me the papers to look over myself. Additionally, she feels she has the authority to take away possessions that I bought with my own money. She certainly does have abusive traits, and I think she deludes herself into thinking she's doing the right thing, which I imagine is not uncommon amongst these types of people. Anyway, I'm just glad you made this video. I feel validated, thank you.
My life improved immensely when I moved out of my mother's house and left her to support herself. Improved even more when I finally severed ties with rest of "family". They'd acquired the habit of using me as the family scapegoat, and always expecting me to cooperate/comply/help freely beyond my means while they were never "able" to be helpful.
We all wish you the best of luck, despite having been occasionally abused by close relatives I can't imagine how you might feel in being literally robbed of your indipendence. Hang in there, ciao! 💪👍🖖
I discovered the grey rock method as a child, but my father could see through it and would only become more upset. With time I discovered the beige rock method as well, and with time the colors of the rock have become more vibrant. But it's still only a rock. There's very little meaningful substance to any of our interactions, and sometimes it saddens me a little.
I also used the grey rock a lot when I was little. So much that it became my personality. Now I am so out of sync with my emotions. I don't know how to fix this, so I'm going to a psychologist (not since coronavirus started but I'll continue) :/
@@gammarayneutrino8413 good luck! :) I've also practiced grey rock when I was little with my aunt and it did work with her and she didn't make me feel worthless for this reason - after all, she's not my mother. It doesn't really work with my dad and step mom, however. I try to do the beige rock thing but I end up getting too emotional sometimes, I do take risks like starting sentences with "I don't like/I love..." which don't usually turn out well. So oof. Thankfully I'm very in tune with my emotions and always have been. My problem was self esteem, which also has significantly gotten better after I achieved reliable support systems, albeit outside my family, and even country. Two people I met online, who mean the world to me. If you have self esteem problems, please remember that getting other people to give you compliments won't do anything for you, as in, depending on other people's opinions won't do anything for you since one bad opinion will break you down. If you don't have this problem, sorry for the useless information)) Anyway, I hope you get better soon. Just think about all the potential you have that is yet to be unlocked. Your inner world is just as wonderful as the outer world.
I have the same issue. I just shallowly reflect the emotions back onto the person I'm talking with. It's made me a great actor and manipulator, but at the cost of a truly deep relationship with my parents. It makes me sad at times as well, but it's better than constant conflict.
i started journaling very young because my dad would gaslight me if i confronted him with any of his abusive actions. back then i just needed to prove to myself that i wasnt crazy, dramatic, spoiled or misremembering things. i never wanted older me to look back on my childhood and downplay what i went through either. and im so glad i did that! i would seriously recommend journaling to anyone struggling with abuse. reading back some of my journals i cant believe that i forgot some of it.
Hi. I believe you. It’s hard to believe yourself sometimes when so many people gaslight you, but I believe you. I know what it feels like. I hope you are living in a better space rn.
When you talk about having to do your habits in private, it's so true! My parents kept trying to stop me from listening to Japanese music because they thought it was turning me into an atheist (don't ask). Still can't see the logic in that. One day, they threatened to kick me out if I didn't delete a specific song (the first end credits song of the anime "Naruto." I forget the title) That made me so angry! Why should I have to conform to their ignorance of Japanese music? Thankfully, I have my own car now, so I can listen to my music without any of that, "now listen to gospel music" crap. Or "for now on, you're _only_ gonna listen to gospel music!" They can't tell me what to do in my own car.
I asume your talking about wind which is actually in English dude just has a nutty accent "Believe it!" if your talking about Shippudens first ending (that'd be older Naruto) I believe that one is in Japanese. The music in naruto intros are bangers I recommend searching Naruto intros for a nostalgia trip I only finished Naruto earlier this year and I get weirdly emotional and I'm not even out of high school.
@@siouxmaelstrom4042 No. They didn't cite any reason. They just thought that Japanese music is atheist, which is funny because if they weren't so ignorant in Japanese culture, they'd realize that Japanese, on average, aren't atheist.
My mother was a common user of backtalk, and it was often cleverly disguised and reasoned out. Whatever I said always ended up not being true, especially when it came down to my own experiences. If I'd felt hurt, unsupported, and put down, I could expect many words on how that was not what she intended. At the end of it, I was just reading into things and being irrationally angry at her for doing the right thing. I've listened very extensively, and I could never hear an apology in her words. The one time I naively tried to make things better between my brother and mother ( he had distanced himself and I wanted to make my mother happy ) I saw how she slowly made it all about her. Instead of us children being able to voice our pains and be heard, she began crying, saying that she had done the right things. We should have just been different/normal/better children, and there was nothing wrong with her choices. We were being mean. The poison well fits my mother to a T. Nothing that brought me joy was ever good enough. We are at the stage where she is rewriting history. In the same vein as the previous paragraphs, I just didn't read into it right. She was being supportive, and she never meant to make me feel like all my interests were bad and evil. Well, I still felt that way, so intent be damned! I'm living my best life now, far away from that house. I've never been happier. I finally feel alive, I feel like I can finally be a child and love whatever I want to love!
I feel you. My parents once threw a hammer (not for nailing, for forge, like 4Kg-9lb of iron) to my head. Didn't miss, just that the car window in the way slowed it down enough not to directly hit me. I was trying to run away to avoid conflict. I left with the window totally destroyed and the hammer still in my car. I never heard anything even close to an apology. I cut all relationship with them 4years ago except for a couple calls a month. I always tell them that while they want to keep the relationship that way I'm not coming back. They play dumb and ask me "What do you mean?" and I bring that example up because it's the most obvious. Their response is "How long are you going to keep bringing that up? That's in the past". My head goes "Bitch! You never apologized!" then I breath and say "As long as you keep that kind of behaviour up." and hung up. Freedom might feel hard sometimes, but omg it is sooo much better.
"I feel like I can finally be a child" is totally what I'm going through as well, which for a time made me feel ashamed of myself since I'm almost 30 already.
@here we go now admittedly, I've done this before, and for awhile I was confused as to where the slope begins to slip. Much later I found theramintrees, and saw the video where he covered people who appeal to their emotions instead of reason. I was in a controlling relationship where it felt like being myself made my girlfriend snap, she's always played this card; appealing to her emotions; projecting her feelings onto me and claiming I must be in the wrong because of how she thinks I made her feel. I used to just take it, because that's what boyfriends do. But it became so exhausting to be put into a corner every time, that I became extremely adverse to taking blame anymore. I couldn't help but tell her that I'm sorry for how she feels. it generally made the situation worse, I know better now on what to do, but even more so, not everyone is responsible for how others feel.
As someone who studied communication in college, and works a job as what might be described "communication strategist", i.e., someone who tries to figure out the best ways to convey diverse and sometimes arcane info to various groups of people, I must say that I love TT's animations. They're always perfect little metaphors that illustrate non-physical, psychological concepts, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. Imagine if someone asked you to create a totally visual, non-verbal representation of, say, a codependent relationship and you'll get some idea of the challenge. On a technical level, the animations have just the right amount of detail and motion/change so that the veiwer stays interested in watching, but isn't distracted by unnecessary details or frenetic motion. It only just occurred to me how remarkably great the things are--I think the simplicity of them made me overlook their insightfulness--but now that I've noticed it, I'm kind of blown away with just how expressive those animations are. Kind of genius, really.
I came out to my parents as trans over Thanksgiving. They did not take it well. I was told numerous times that they'd never see me for who I am, that I've ruined my life and maybe theirs too. We never had a good relationship, this only confirmed what I already suspected. On some level, I can understand how they reacted. Seeing an open wine bottle in the morning was shocking, they never drink. But I keep reminding myself that while I empathize with their distress, their treatment of me is not acceptable.
Darling I hope that one day your parents see you and respect you as the person you are underneath the mask they saw you as since you were born. Know that you will grow to meet people who celebrate you as you are and you will become a person you will be proud of.
@@AI-tc8fv I know you didn't ask _me_ , but may be of use. I left my (biological) parents after a lifetime of constant psychological abuse reinforced with physical violence about twice a month. They also exerted economical control, always making sure I wouldn't have more than 50€ at my name at any moment (sharing my income account, among others, emotionally blackmailing me for the money...). So after a situation that made me realize it was a survival issue, I went to a different bank, got a loan to "study abroad" and left for Germany, not speaking a word of German. I ended up living in Paris (also, not a word of French, but a city is way better for that) with a big debt, no help, and sleeping at a job mate's floor. Also, for the first time in forever, I took care of myself and it became obvious that I had been carrying a huge depression I had to take care of. Still, never looked back or missed what I left. I was the master of my own fate, and that was making me so grateful to finally leave that behind. Doesn't matter how hard it gets. How lonely. *It gets better.* And taking risks will make you develop in ways that you still don't know about yourself. My personal advice? Don't wait. Don't share your plan. If you need to leave, risk it. Things will go well. Find a job before, if you want a safety net. Try to have some support (friends, some savings, a loan...) to ensure your survival. You just need food and shelter. But don't mistrust everyone, strangers can become friends. Give chances. Share. It will be well, for the most time. You are not alone. Not all your relationships will be like that. Being a target does not define you. You are much much more than that.
The worst part about this is that parents who are abusive get away with it more because young minds are unable to understand how to deal with the situation, as someone who went through psychological trauma I can attest that climbing out is riddled with side effects of guilt.
I’m going to be 19 in a few days. My narcissist father literally told me today after my mom said “so there will be a day you and your brother don’t live with us anymore? I can’t deal with that.” And my dad literally said, “no. She (talking about me) will never leave me. I can’t live without her. I’ll be with her forever.” And my mom said “what if she gets married?” My dad said, “I’ll live on the roof.” He’s also very controlling and interferes into everything and drives me insane. I feel powerless to my own future I’m so young I deserve to have a future I choose. I want to travel and have my dream career in music. I hate him so much.
So very happy to see you back. You've helped my recovery in ways you couldn't imagine. I haven't contacted my relatives (I'm hesitant to use the word "family") in nearly a year and I have to credit you with some of that. In time, I know the nightmares will subside and I will heal. Thank you.
i know that every old person on the internet says this but, i'm glad that you managed to get out of a relationship like that and i genuinely cannot imagine what that's like.
Will Scanlan I finally blocked THEM ( too too do not like to use the world family)today. For 6 years i was very distant...even moved to another state...but kinda cycled back earlier this year b/c of illogical reasons. Anyways, THEM are the same...toxic, malignant, abusive narcissistic. I though about how my life would be 1, 2, 3 years from not if I allowed them back on my life. This resulted in my finally getting the strength to do what I’ve been thinking of doing more months. I changed my number and blocked THEM....and I’m never going back!
I had a father who was extremely abusive throughout my childhood and even into my early adulthood. Broke off all contact with him 12 years ago, and never looked back. Heard he died at the end of last year; didn't shed a solitary tear.
“It’s not cruel or mean to distrust people who’ve repeatedly destroyed your trust. It’s rational and healthy.” Thank you so much for this video. I really needed to listen to this today. I was feeling so guilty and down because I didn’t go to a family event yesterday. My family has verbally abused and manipulated me all my life and now that I’m trying to set boundaries they’re acting like I’m the worst person in the world … and I was so unsure if I was doing the right thing to distance myself. I have to say when I watch your videos you always speak of an alliance with your brother and I’m so envious of that. I have 3 siblings much older than me and it was hell.
@@GGVanilla When you hover over a comment in the browser or are looking at a comment you made on mobile, there's a little 3-dot menu you can click that has an edit option. Best of luck setting those boundaries, cheers!
The worst part for me is seeing my siblings learn and take traits from the abuser, ensuring that kind of behavior is nurtured and will go on to effect even more victims.
As a victim of emotional abuse by parents I later on ended up repeating the pattern in my romantic relationships and friendships as well because it was just familiar to me and I didn't have a sense of what normalcy was! So that's something that y'all have to watch out for if whoever is reading is has gone through abuse of some sort. These videos are so therapeutic, it's like my years of abuse by family friends and boyfriends are finally being validated and I'm finally losing the guilt over the inadvertent steps I took to distance myself from them.
thank you for this comment. i feel much less alone knowing that other people have this experience. i'm grateful that we're able to recognize that we have also been abusive (mostly because thats the first and sometimes only relationship modeled to us, and/or the only one that stuck) and take accountability. may we break the cycles.
on second thought, im not sure if you meant "repeating the pattern" as in enacting abuse, or re-experiencing it in different relationships, but i still want to leave my comment up in case anyone else can relate.
my brother just came back into my life I thought he was catholic still but it turns out he felt indoctrinated as well and dropped his faith almost immediately upon moving out. definitely sharing your videos with him, you've been incredibly informative and helpful letting me gain a much better insight as to why my parents acted how they did and even to forgive them. thank you.
as someone who was brought up in the Catholic faith (not very strict though) I feel very sorry for you and I'm very sorry that the church has become such a ready playground for cultlike abusive people
Halfway through the video but I just one say that one of the best survival strategies I developed as a child was learning foreign languages. There is so much relief in being able to speak your mind without watching ur back
Holy shit yes. And make sure it's a language your abuser doesn't know. My mother knows english so, in case, i prefer to write stuff either in a very private place (like my phone or in a file i upload to my google drive), or in japanese.
The grey-rock: Blue-Jacket (Chapter 1): She would passive-aggresivly mock my beliefs and personality. She would misinterpret me in ways that ended up harming me, due to her spreading false word about who I was. She would go out of her way to criticize me, even if I only did 1 mild mistake in a midst of well-intention actions. Green-Jacket (Chapter 2): I accept that I'm never going to please her. I come home late one night after throwing a football around with a friend of mine; Something I never got to do before. She tells me I'm being irresponsible, telling me I'll wake up late tomorrow. I wake up at my regular time. Purple Jacket (Chapter 3): She asks me what's bothering me. I tell her I feel that I'm not in-control of my own life, and that I'm not trusted. She criticizes me for even having these beliefs, saying that I'm lucky to even have her in my life. I tell her I feel extreme discomfort when she yells at me, and that I will gladly listen if she were to calm down; Yelling should be saved for when the other person is not listening. I'm shut-down again. The yelling becomes ineffective anyway. Orange Jacket: She tries to show me a tv show so we can get to know each other better. I take the first excuse possible to get out. She asks what's wrong through a text-message. I explain my issues with stuff unrelated to her. She recommends I get anti-depression, and: 'get over it.' I thank her for her advice, but I dont follow it. Chapter 5: We don't talk to each other anymore. She seems very upset with me for not opening up anymore, despite her efforts. I've lost my ability to care. I have to do what's right for me.
@@idkdude1118 Thank-you. I think this comment got hearted by the owner of this channel, only to then be unhearted a few moments later. It kind of stung, that my comment on the surface level might have intrigued him, but that upon further inspection, he decided not to draw too much attention to it. I'm glad it seems that some people like it though. I'm sure he didn't mean anything bad. I admire him a lot.
Make sure to take care of yourself. You are not alone. Sounds like you can be responsible for yourself, but make sure you have good support. Friends can be a blessing, but don't fear to check on a professional. If she suggests drugs again, you can suggest going to therapy first (that might also lead to having therapy together, but don't raise your hopes. It may help the relationship, but the objective is not that. It is to help *you*)
Feel bad for anyone living with their abuser. Leaving was difficult and scary but after about a year I realized life was so much better when I could relax and be myself.
@TheraminTrees. I was molested by the son of a family friend from the age of 8 to 14. My parents took proper action on the matter and stopped it. My grandma heard me talking about my experience to someone on her land line. She chided me, and told me I shouldn't be talking about it. I told her " *I've* got nothing to be ashamed of....*he* does". Im now 42, and two classes away from my BA in Psychology, then it's on to Grad School for my Master's In Clinical Mental Health. I want to be able to show kids and teenagers, , from my experience, that going through that experience doesn't mean that they can't follow their dreams...that they can have a satisfying, full life..that their experience, unspeakably painful as it is, doesn't have to define them. I want to let them know that someone cares, bc that someone is not just a counselor, she's a hard headed survivor...and they can be, too.
@@nicksanders9148 Hi mate, I'm sure you do mean well but under the comments of this channel the evocation of God can distress the person you're talking to, as some may have a history of living with abusers who use God as a tool of abuse. Have a nice day :)
...This came out two days after my 27th birthday, where my mother assaulted me. She gouged my arm with her nails and punched me in the chest. I may not be a child, but I do have to have her in my life for at least six more months while I work to gain my independence. Thank you for this video.
@Jep Sep That's easy for you to say, you didn't have a parental figure trying to cut your legs out from under you. She actively sabotaged my efforts to leave home with underhanded tactics. The options had been, for a long time -- "Be homeless" or "Stay here". Sleeping on the streets was still inferior to staying there.
Having had to grey rock MANY times before. I have, through practice, learned a good technique. Time your own response to other people who you don't want to engage with. They will usually starting a conversations so that denying a response will be a source of conflict. So I give them an instant and involved response at first. Then I introduce hesitation in my responses. To think, or to get distracted... what ever really. Then I make sure I work towards a full 60 second pause between their comment and a response. I make sure this response pushes them to continue the conversation. Then you wait 2 min, then you wait 4 minutes, and work towards a full 30 minute difference between their comment and your response. After doing this around 4 or 5 times, they learn that conversations with me are more exhausting then others, and find a new target. If I don't have the time to do this, I take a strong notice of what they say or do to start a conversation. Deny the conversation, but then no less then 7-10min go back to them and approach them to start the conversation again. Often, they aren't in the same head-space as they were when they first approached you and are thrown off. Most often, you will be interrupting them in a conversation with someone else. This works well in case they go to someone else to drag them into their game (misinformation or triangulation), as often as you are interfering with their tactics to triangulate on your further. The great thing about this technique, is it feels natural when dealing with manipulators and un-natural when dealing with genuine people.
I recently took up this practice. It has quashed antagonism some what. Very draining though for me, playing these head-games post traumatic brain injury is like a bike ride to the gym for weight lifting after a marathon, my brain doesn't have capacity, to not fizzle seconds into conflict, find myself folding and walking away hiding often. Good point though..
22:09 That part of genuine change touched me, it made me feel sorry for the abuser character. It would be a deep regret to realize your errors, but to be too late to save a cherished relationship. I really like how you present the abuser characters with all their flaws, tell people not to feel responsible for fixing abusers at their own detriment, but still, you show them as humans. I never had to deal with anything like this, but I find these videos very interesting.
Whilst I recognize that I am not the target audience of this video, it's still helped me by recognizing the way I've helped people in my life who are still in abusive situations. Thank you for making this video, even if you didn't mean for it to help people like me.
I’ve been dealing with abusers my whole life. As my marriage was coming to an end, I started to notice a lot of similarities between how my wife was treating me and how my mom and sister used to treat me. I realize that all of them, plus my dad and me, all shared the same opinion: it was ok to treat me as inferior, my opinions don’t really matter, and I’m dumb and incompetent. I didn’t even begin to unlearn this until the age of 41. Just accepted it as true.
Well let's be frank, dumb people and dumb ideas will be treated as dumb. I would understand if may be that way if one person did it but, if everyone who knows you well treats you as Dumb or dumb ideas than maybe that's how that is. What's your IQ? What are your intellectual accomplishments.
i want to thank your brother too. you had someone with you who helped you normalize a sane response to abuse. i had 3 siblings but we four were expertly kept at odds with one another. looking back it is unbelievable how much energy went into controlling the landscape.
'....we four were expertly kept at odds with one another.' -And it's often tough to overcome, once those divisions have been established isn't it - because you all have to want to overcome them. It's lovely when I hear of offspring who find some way back to each other - even when it's just one relationship among a handful. So often the divisions become lifelong.
@@TheraminTrees it is tough. we have all tried to connect at different times but we don't have the skills to maneuver the gulf. old patterns quickly re-emerge. can't thank you enough for what you are doing with these posts. deep appreciation from here.
i almost want to thank your mom for necessitating the hyper-vigilance that you have turned into such an extraordinarily useful intellectual clarity. but of course i'd rather you had had a better experience. i don't wish that on anyone.
> unbelievable how much energy went into controlling the landscape. That behavior extends well beyond families. Societies as-a-whole have their perceptions distorted, for various reasons.
My family is full of abusive people who can’t see how abusive they really are. My brother and his girlfriend just pointed out to me what they’re doing, especially to me, recently. They treat me like a kid, like a lower life form, and like a freak. To the point where I have all these doctors and pills I probably don’t even need, and most of my anxiety is probably caused by them.
In that situation of, verbal antaganization is so norm and I am said cause, and Justification. Partly due to Atheism, partly cause, I'm post brain injury, Coma labelled Crazy, harse treatment,is justified. May we both find Brighter More Justice minded, Peaceful place Away from the Haters and Sadists.
The part about binge-watching hits the nail on the head for me. I work as an after-hours custodian at a catholic elementary/middle school. The job itself is fine, but the surrounding ideology is maddening. These children are essentially being taught that they, and everyone, are broken wretches without God/Jesus; complete theo-dependency. The majority of my family are religious, and in my immediate family I'm the black sheep. I find myself binge-listening in the background to videos from Aron Ra, yourself, TheThinkingAtheist, etc, in an effort to detox from all the insanity I'm surrounded by.
I went through the same thing, and it was a necessary step to let go of my religious upbringing. It was so cathartic to know I wasn't alone in thinking all the people around me were acting wrong! Just look out for UA-cam atheism in particular, there is a kind of racist, misogynist atheism that you might come across.
@@slb2369 I haven't come across atheist videos like that, that I'm aware of, though I expect some such less than civil demeanor in the comment sections. I don't usually dwell in the smaller, perhaps fringe channels. The ones I listed, along with Atheist Experience and Talk Heathen, are what I frequent. But yeah, it's relieving to hear these people calling out these mythologies and the atrocities within for what they are and condemning the people trying to mandate privileged immunity and acceptance for their irrationality at everyone else's expense.
I am very religious and called "middle eve" from people that definetely lack discernment, while being abusive and literally insane. Like after all the diagnoses, insanity comes often to my mind. So, being believer is not the problem. I am also therapist and still don't know what is wrong with these people.
With you on many levels. I live in Pyycho Drunk christ Tweeeker zone. I also binge FFR, Aron Ra, Holy Koolaid to keep for meltdown. I play them on porch now Outloud, in responce too them. After a raunchy lady and her meth chriStains, got verbal abusive leading to Them slashed tire, can't prove cause christ ganged up with them and erased Cam video, police attend same unholy house.
@@dionettaeon fringe is right. Atheists mostly are just Too smart to fall as Ignorant comment suggested. He's watching jesus Freaks impersonating Atheists, I think. There are a Ton of Anti-Atheist religious wanting a "Inquisition/Crusade" against Atheism that use many lies, misrepresentations and False narratives, while Claiming to support. Muddy The Water of Truth, religions second Greatest Quest. B-igotry I-ndocturnation B-efore L-egiit E-ducation,What I see.
I just realized I've been acting like a grey-rock towards my parents... Edit: Okay, seriously; How did you detail perfectly, exactly what happened between me and them?
Seems to be a behavior pattern that was repeatedly observed and well documented. That's why we get the feeling of "That's it!!!" when our friend describes some of the abuse strategies.
A word of warning about grey-rocking, and other tools of psychological armour. Armour can help keep your enemies out, but it also keeps you in. One day my job invited me and others to go dirt-biking. That sounded fun and interesting, and contrary to being a grey rock. I second-guessed myself to death and almost didn't go. That was when I realized I had to lose my armour if I wanted to grow as a person.
Thank you. I've watched many of your other videos during my "binge" phase, in denial about the fact that my partner of 5 years is not a knight on a white stallion, but not a demon either. The biggest hurdle was, indeed, the isolation. Friends, disbelieving, are downright envious or half-heartedly supportive. Many, motivated by their own selfish interests, offer me a bed in their home (without cutting contact with the abuser). Family told me to shut up and stop complaining, to accept my fate because I had "chosen" it, then would gossip- and it would, in a roundabout way, get back to him, or gave ample excuses. The most confusing, derailing phenomena is how when he does let his colors show in public, the people I've confided a hushed warning to in passing would, more often than not, turn to me and say: "You need to drop everything and help him. He's your responsibility and you're letting him drown! Can't you see? Are you blind?" It was the people nearby who fell off of my radar because [they] saw the danger and grey rocked that would, later, prove invaluable in helping me break free. Soon, I hope, if I can reach them through the muck...otherwise, I'll be reaching out to a support line tomorrow. It's starting to make sense now why he's been so selective about who I'm friends with, and why it's always people who are explosive and two-faced.
It's amazing how entertaining these videos are despite the seriousness of the subject matter. I can't say I have any direct experience with emotional abuse, but I definitely related to the safety net bit, as I had a similar experience with a recent blackmail scare. Overall an amazing video, love watching your content, even if I can't directly relate to it all the time.
*Endeavoring* to relate to it is all that matters. Some people think, "If I didn't experience it or see it in media, it isn't real." Furthest thing from the truth!!! Your *attempt* at understanding and relating is very much appreciated!
The segment about the hooks and rings was incredibly eye-opening and useful. I will definitely be taking this to heart when dealing with my abusive mother
maybe if I watched it before I wouldn't understand it at an emotional level, but having words to describe the tactics can be helpful. I think my abusers noticed my grey/beige rock tactic and because of that they multiplied the drama, the gaslighting, etc. And before that I tried honest confrontation, many times, so I gave them information I shouldn't gave them. If I'd known I woulded be more subtle and maybe saved energy, time, relations, etc.
5:04 "Any external acknowledgment of the abuse, however small can have value." This video, in that exact time, did that for me. Seeing the abuse I've received for years being depicted even as background figures was so liberating. Thank you.
as someone with fundamentalist and very religious abusive parents, this was so so helpful and encouraging. it explained things so clearly and gave advice that I will definitely be using going forward. as I'm still stuck living with my abusers, it's a very delicate situation, but I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it.
it's insane how validating watching this is. i'm trapped in a house with abusive parents (moving out soon though, luckily) whose favourite tactic is gaslighting me and making me feel like I'M the abuser in this situation. i can recognize so may things they do in this video and things i do myself. i've definitely thought to myself "ah, dad's playing the 'playing the victim' card again" before. it's really comforting and helps me remember that i'm not at fault for this.
This channel means a lot to me and teaches me more about parenting than any other channel designed to offer parenting advice. I always told myself that I’d never be like my parents, but when you weren’t taught how to do things right you default to the only way you know how. Your channel makes it easier for me to empathize with my child and teaches me what I shouldn’t do before I resort to it by default. I never wanted my relationship with my child to be based on a power dynamic. Thank you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your diverse portrayal of abusers and abuse victims. Breaking away from stereotypes of "the Abuser" is an important factor in getting people to understand that it can indeed happen to them
thank you. as a victim of an abusive household i am finally getting away, i had to learn by myself how to distance myself, how to break the silence, how to concentrate on my own well beeing. it took a lot of time, my childhood was wasted, my mental health will take a lot to recover, but at least now i can start living for myself. this video helps me a lot, it shows me that i am doing the right thing, it gives me hope for the future. i am proud of myself for beeing strong enough to get up on my own, but i hope when i grow up i can help people like me, i can spare someone of what i had to go trough.
Excellent as usual. Have discussed a lot about your video on narcissistic people. I'm sure will use this one. Hits home in so many levels. Best regards to you and your brother.
I didn’t become silent when my dad was abusive. My whole life I’ve told people about him and my whole life nobody did anything. Edit: I’m somewhat safe now though. I’m too sickly to start life on my own but my parents helped me get another home. He turned nice after we stopped living together. 🤷🏻♀️
"...and it's not uncommon for targets to go through periods of binge-watching abuse-related videos." I am in this video and I feel comforted by this fact
10:38-10:56 is so very important to keep in mind. I notice some of these traits in some individuals I live with, but there are also elements lacking. As enlightening as these vids are, always important to keep in mind that they don’t qualify me or make me an expert in diagnosis.
"It's not cruel or mean to distrust people who have repeatedly destroyed your trust, it's rational and healthy." I NEEDED to hear this. I've been living with my abusive parents all my life and I've never been able to get support or acknowledgement of the abuse from my family. I am seen as disrespectful and rude for not trusting them enough to be open about my thoughts and feelings. Because of this I've been binge watching abuse related videos to do just as you said "bath in the acknowledgement of reality". Thank you so much for this.
Hey TheraminTrees, I've been watching your content since I came across QualiaSoup's "The Burden of proof" back when I an early teen. I remember the feeling of revelation as soon as I started watching as if a great weight that I didn't know how to deal with for the longest time was suddenly barely even there. It was like I was finally given a tool that I knew worked. I've never commented anything, but as I lost my home of last year your videos have been especially touching and I thought if I was going to leave a comment on any youtube video that it would be yours. Since that video I've watched everything you guys have posted and its been quite the journey as your content seems to almost mirror the things I've had to face growing up, I started breaking shackles with religion but it soon became clear that the real constraints were much closer to home. I was forced to face problems in my family, due to increasingly erratic behaviour, so did your content become more centred on that, if I didn't know better I'd say that your content and advice has been like something of a guardian angel, I feel more guidance from you than I had from either of my parents. The worst part about growing up the way I did was the isolation, I fear that I was incapable of any more wells for myself as I constantly faced hardships with any other relationship I tried to develop, I felt intense guilt and shame as closer relationships inevitably interacted with my coping mechanisms and I grew terrified of making anyone feel the way that I did as their complaints echoed mine. I still struggle with that a lot, it's really easy to make myself believe I am a horrible person, I feel a constant need to shield other people from myself, often people I love the most being the most affected. It's incredibly isolating and painful and makes me feel like I am no better than what I felt for so long. I feel like everything good I've created for myself is still just a product of the pain and resentment I fostered which in turn makes me hate everything I do as well, it feels like a responsibility to segregate either it or my feelings about it from everyone else. I feel like that's the only way to not turn into my parents. The hardest part today is to figure out what is it that I feel that is real and what is born out of resentment, I relate so much to everything you explain a victim of abuse to feel and yet I struggle to come up with specific, concise actions that really explain why I would feel that way, or to that extent. I feel a lot of confusion and frustration that leaves me feeling like I am the crazy one, that I'm the abuser, that my feelings of isolation and inadequacy are from own abusive compulsions regardless of what my parents might or not have done. I have one real, long term relationship that for the longest time made me feel like I wasn't broken, but has recently been complaining about the same things I've spent a life shielding other people from and breaking relationships because the feelings of guilt were too much to bear. I'm in therapy and unlike the several ones I had as a child, I feel results with this one, but I still find myself in that hole, I don't see myself walking into it, I just wake up in it. My relationship with my parents is dwindling as I grow independent, but the cycles and the pain don't seem to be going anywhere. I feel like I've spent a lifetime trying to decide whether the right thing to do was to not accept my reality and striving for something better, or accept my situation and move on. I feel like the two are completely incompatible emotionally and I've struggled with both with no success since I can remember. If you do ever read this, I just hope you understand that what you guys have created is invaluable to me, you make me feel like I make sense. and if it means anything, you're the only youtube channel I never miss an upload on.
I live for your videos -- it's sad that I can relate, but it's great to feel understood. Thank you for your fine work. Love from Brazil for you and Qualia -- another great man with a great voice!
I have been making a habit of listening to you, especially since my son was born. He’s too small to understand now, but I’m looking forward to talking with him and sharing these videos with him as he grows. I wonder if you have kids or mentor children somehow? I love the thought that more kids could be equipped with this knowledge through clear education while they’re young, so they won’t have to scramble to learn these lessons as adults. To be a young adult trying to put your life in order, dating, planning your future... it is too bad that so many of us wasted that precious time confused and angry and lost. With knowledge like this we could have identified those problem-relationships. How empowering would it have been to begin adulthood with this clarity? Thank you for your dedication to improving the world. I can’t help but look at my little boy and want to clear a safe path for him- but your videos remind me that if I can give him these tools then he can make his own way.
Bro I’m a black, bi woman and all I can do is sleep through my days. I’m 20 and I can’t get a job cause I’ll be abandoned 💀 But I NEED my family cause I need insulin 😐 I feel like going to a shelter sometimes lmao
I hope you find a way out of your situation. Whatever you decide to do, take your time to make your plan fool-proof, but don't take your time when you start to implement that plan.
Look into a plant based diet. If you have Type II diabetes, it can be reversed. I recommend Dr. Greger from NutritionFacts.org or Dr. Neal Barnard for more information
@@burnheart2965 Considering she's 20, it's unlikely that she would have Type II diabetes (especially unlikely if it was severe enough that she would need to take insulin for it). If people that age need to take insulin, Type I diabetes is a far more likely reason.
You won't be abandoned. You'll be challenged. There's no security in life. Your family like mine has given you a false sense of security. Also like you, I have a sickness and need surgery. I can't afford it. Part of me feels being at home is safer because what if I fall ill? I'll need them to help me pay for the surgery, right? The truth is, their help is conditional and I have to fight for my own life. Nobody else will. You can fight. Find LGBTQI organizations that can help. Share your story. People, most times people you least suspect, care about you. Here's to the good fight.
SO much of this is exactly as I've observed from certain pathologically insufferable people I've been stuck around. I've never had much issue with a fragile self esteem and I'm not easily triggered by malicious antagonism, especially by adapting to an analytical perspective on the psychology of an abusive dynamic. since childhood it's been easy enough for me to shift from an emotionally spontaneous personal attitude to a dispassionate view of a difficult person, as simply a neurology-based problem to be solved. I admired the android character Data as a kid for his emotionally impervious calculating abilities (ironic that Data's goal was to become more humanly vulnerable, like Pinocchio. grass is always greener I guess). But even when my the stoic demeanor spared my own feelings and ego, it often just frustrated the abusive people more and could exacerbate their need to assert their influence and make some dent on me. I could be as zen as possible or resiliently positive, but the practical problems they'd be causing for me or my reputation would still be a real burden. I think my weakness has been my own fixation on finding some resolution to whatever issue the (typically passive aggressive) bully might have with me. Probably in part due to my OCD... and because of my optimism that everyone is potentially capable of being reasonable, if reached in Just the right way, with logos or pathos. I'm getting much better at simply abandoning the interaction or whole relationship sooner after their red flags have been raised, if I think it's not worth the effort. Some professional situations have no good solution though. Just gotta get through the bullshit as cleanly as you can and then wash yourself off.
Hi Anthony. Yep, it's good to have that initial filter on isn't it, before committing to trying for resolution - that filter that sifts out the folks raising the flags. Interest evaporates fast if the other person isn't showing any interest in working to a resolution, or expects me to do all the heavy lifting in the interaction.
@@TheraminTrees I think they call it "emotional labor" It's a labor I'm more willing to Share in with someone who cares to -- more than some others around me who already are carrying the weight of too much trauma from persecution, or who just naturally have a lower tolerance or stamina for stressful interactions for whatever reason. But yeah I have to remind myself just how many other people there are in the world who could be more worth the effort of conflict resolution than those who aren't even willing to be reasoned with. it's sort of like prioritizing for triage. Though I'll afford far more chances to people who are family, of course.
Man the part on 22:20 is sad but it is also true, I had a friendship that sorted of functioned the same way, the person wanted to talk with me again after a few months and I no longer felt comfortable around the person, I felt genuine dread about what could happen next
I've always known I was in an abusive household but it wasn't until I told a friend about what's been going on and he sent me a link to your video about infantilization, did I know what exactly was happening to me. Finally being able to learn that what I'm experiencing is a real thing that's happened to many people and kids, as sad as that is, has helped me feel less alone and has validated my experiences. I really appreciate you covering these topics.
I'm a weak person. I can't...I have no such abilities and have been battling my mental illness. It was overwhelming. I have given up. These days, I've been starting to accept my fate. Thanks for the content by the way. Your videos provides me warmth even for a short period of time. At least it felt warm before everything becomes cold.
I cannot express to you how much I needed to see this. Every point you touched on was something I at one point or another struggled with, or still struggle with to this day this specific video put labels and names to vague concepts I've been experiencing without knowing the terminology for them, and it allowed me to reflect on the whole experience of living with abusers so roundly. this is the most seen, heard, and helped i have ever felt, and now i that ive had to return to my abusive environment, i feel armed with the necessary tools to make it out of here in one piece, not only that, but to also help my friends who are just now starting their journey down the path of recognizing and recovering from abuse
My oldest brother was a narcissist and lashed out against everyone in my family. thankfully my mother managed to kick him out eventually. we are doing much better now without him.
Each new video becomes your latest masterpiece. The content is incredibly well written as always, but I’m so impressed at the level of polish and creativity in the presentation. Thank you for continuing to produce these life changing videos, and I hope you’re staying safe.
I wish I knew about this channel two years ago, I've been living with abusive parents for a solid 6 years. When it was only the step mother who had abusive tendencies, it shifted to both my parents turning abusive since two years ago, I've been through emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. I had no privacy, no freedom, and faced constant hypocrisy from both sides. I could say the relationship was the equivalent of bomb defusal, knowing they could explode at any moment if some word was misspoken or some action I took in any scenario. Much of the emotional abuse I went through was on the basis of religious beliefs, and that I was the one responsible for the way I was treated, merely deflecting the blame onto me. And constant shaming for my own identity and beliefs. I could say I'm a much happier person than I was 2 years ago, never did I expect I would finally leave, and find a much better place than their abusive and toxic environment. Maybe it's a bit late posting this, but to the person reading this, always know that it will always get better. What I went through is a prime example of that.
I wanted to thank you for your videos about narcissistic abuse. I had a narc boyfriend and parents who had some narc-traits. Your video opened my eyes even more and gives me hope. I am afraid to meet those people again but you give me hope that even if it happens, I can break the stick they wanna punch me with
Identifying and calling out abusive parents is incredibly difficult because most people can't find the line between caring for and protecting a child vs unnecessarily controlling a child. Alice Miller's books helped me to see the light. All this time, I didn't know that my mother's forms of control was also abuse, not just the other stuff. Thanks so much.
The story of your mother ripping up the comic you worked so hard on (as a child) had me crying. I'm sorry that happened to you. Thank you for another informative video however. I got to a point where I was feeling angry at myself about spending so much time watching videos and reading about other people's abusive experiences. But what you said in this video, "It's not about wallowing in misery, it's about bathing in the acknowledgement of reality," released me from that a little.
Wow. I’ve been on this journey, learning about abuse and psychology, since I was 11. It’s been around 12 years since then and I always discover and learn about something new in your videos, still. Also, thank you for sharing your story ❤ It is much appreciated. I have had issues with revealing my abuse and talking about it with others irk, but videos always help. The part of the video where you talk about watching online content for a validation of the fact that others will not silence or deny these behaviors… is so real!!! It inspires me to do the same one day. To share one related part of my life, I am a grad student in psychology. I would love to keep pursuing this and begin to make videos that help out others on a rational and emotional level, just like you do! Bravo :)
Incredibly well done video- a rare mix of skills to clearly convey complex content in a digestible, and entertaining format. Thank you sir- You are a credit to the community of healing, and your work, journey and talents are greatly appreciated.
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“It’s not uncommon for targets to go through periods of binge-watching abuse-related videos.” well that was meta
yeah
I hope most ppl watching it aren't abused 😅
Holy shit this man is powerful, sometimes I watch these videos when I feel like I am being abused or mistreated, and that comment confirms what I thought. Jesus christ I feel so called out and kind of scared now.
@@tuna5618 dont worry boy his videos are just nice and informative...
Or are they?
Oh man, I've started doing that after questioning if one of my parents is abusive... Shit--
"It's not cruel or mean to distrust people who've repeatedly destroyed your trust"
💯💯💯 It's smart not to trust them when they proved you many times in the past that they are not trustworthy.
When they claim that you are cruel, that's projection, manipulation thru guilt tripping and gaslighting.
Once again, proof that you should not trust them.
"For many targets, listening to other's stories can be a powerful detox, it's not uncommon for targets to go through a period of binge watching. It's not about wallowing in misery, it's about bathing in the acknowledgment of reality"
Beautiful and poetic.
yea that sentence struck me aswell... catching myself for the 10th time im binge watching such content. i guess its time for change
Very, very true
Yeah, I really felt that hard when he said it. It's so true.
I have experienced this firsthand. Very very true
25:30 Timestamp for my reference
I always hated the phrase, "why are you trying to make me feel guilty?" when I bring up something I am upset about.
Mine says I'm browbeating her when I bring up the rude things she does. I knew when I was 4 there was something wrong with her behavior.
Tell them it isn't possible to make them feel guilty. They have no soul. Or...How could I make you feel guilty if YOU have nothing to feel guilty about and I am the one who is wrong all the time...BITCH?!?!?!?!?
my mom said this a lot. i told her, if you had nothing to feel guilty about, then me criticizing your behavior shouldn't make you feel guilty in the first place. of course, abusers don't listen to logic. i just ignore her now.
"I'm not, but do you _feel_ guilty? If so, the reason is probably that you _are_ guilty."
Yet they have no problem guilt tripping you when you put down healthy boundaries.
This is a very important topic, especially in a time when many people are literally trapped at home with their abusers by the pandemic. Thank you, TheraminTrees.
Thanks SnarkbotAnya. Horrendous time for so many isn't it. A UK organisation mentioned in the video, called 'Relate', reported a 900% increase in calls during lockdown.
@@TheraminTrees truly insane,but it is also a time where people finally wake up to their abuse,like I did,no small part because of you.The infantalazation came in the perfect time and so did this.Are you spying on me you brit ?? Lol.
Yes, just because it is not a person or religious relationship, NO free passes to those non-religious, $cientific and corporate govt "groups" roping us in, forcing, coercing, bullying, indoctrinating.
Of course they promise to $ave us all, to "the promised land" (Ewe-topia) if we will Obey, and not question their superior credentials and force everyone around us to do the same.
Hmmmm, group $alvation, sounds so tempting.
$laveation? Otherwise, just like a narcissistic parent or partner.
@@TheraminTrees They're like hungry wolves, taking advantage of the new opportunity.
@@3ittybittypiggiesstorytime547 well i mean no shit do your research but are you advocating like the whole "skeptics" who call bullshit to anything that hurts them no matter how the facts actually stack up?
Spending time with abusers is draining, but living with an abuser leaves you empty.
Exactly why this quarantine sucks for abuse victims :/
I'd describe it as leaving me a "permanently wet sock"
馬鹿何 That’s horrible. Have you tried (online) therapy?
So true. And let's not even get started about growing up with abusers...
I’ve been empty for a long, long time
This is my mom right here. It's hard telling anyone because they'd see it as "You're just an ungreatful bratty kid". Shit hurts
Oh my god same! Especially if the abusers themselves were abused in their past!! The moment you complain about their abusive behavior, they call you an ungrateful spoiled child because you didn't suffer as much as they did. I don't care if the abuser suffered more, what they're doing is wrong anyways and isn't justified!
@@bellumxyz1421 Preach
I agree
It gets really hard when you go to a therapist for help because you're confused about the world and have no sense of what is true or not, what is acceptable vs unacceptable, because you've lived with the abuser and your world view is shaky, and then the therapist doubts you and treats you like the abuser.
When you said that, as a child, you drew a page of your superhero comic every night, I thought, "wow, that's amazing! Such discipline from a little kid!" That is the healthy reaction of an adult to a child's achievement. The fact that your mother saw that and felt so threatened by it that she felt the need to destroy it rather than celebrate it, speaks to how low and fragile the ego of narcissistic abusers truly is.
It's nice to hear someone say that cutting my abuser out of my life was the right thing to do.
So many people tell me that it's my responsibility to forgive my mother for everything she did to me. Even other victims of abuse tell me that I should forgive her, because she's my mother, and oh, how many times has she forgiven me, when I messed up??? They tell me that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't forgive her while she's still alive. But I wasn't allowed to mess up. I had to be the good kid, the personal therapist, the best friend, from as early an age as 7. I had to give her dating advice, and echo her political ideologies back at her, and parrot her racist jokes and opinions. I make no mention of how bad she got as I got older, even telling my brother that she waited until I was 18 to do drugs again, while actively berating me for not having a job while her husband tore my applications to shreds.
There is nothing left of her to forgive if I wanted to, and as far as I'm concerned, she can think I'm dead, for all she's worth to me.
Good for you for knowing your own mind. I think it's part of the whole recovery process that we stop listening to people telling us what we 'should' do to recover, and start doing what we know feels authentic and right for us. If some folks want to forgive, that's fine for them - and if they want to suggest it as an option that works for some people, no problem. But 'responsibility'? Nope - then they lose their audience. And I actually tend to see that kind of attempted coercion as a 'flea' picked up in the malignant environment - a remnant of the poison, not yet fully flushed out. Forgiveness is not a necessary part of moving on - and certainly not a moral obligation.
More power to you! I respect your decision! If anyone says your decision is wrong, remind them that you live your own life!
I feel like genuine forgiveness can't come from a "should", but has to come from a "want." And that doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to want to do that. That's her mistake, you sound like a good, supportive person.
To "Forgive" just means to let go of the desire to punish, or to let go of a debt someone owes you. If you are not looking to hurt someone or take from them then you have forgiven them. To cut an abuser out of your life is not incompatible with forgiveness.
You can't change people like this. Keeping them around will only hurt you.
it takes a real psychological sickness to tear up someone else's first creative work, when they're a CHILD.
Grateful you had your brother and other outlets to develop such a reasonable and compassionate understanding of humans to share with us.
same happened to me when i was 14.. i had depression back then coz of how toxic n verbaly abusive my mom was n had no one to talk to.. i just had my personal diary where i draw out my feelings instead of writing n one day she found out n in front of me she ripped it apart..... i actually hav no words to say how i felt... but later things got slightly better but now im 17 n im afraid my old days r back again... i came out to fam saying im bi (imma girl) n she acted like she accepted me...now getting verbally abused for it.... so badly i cant even think much anymore... but unlike those old days now i hav three amazing true friends who accept me n a really loving gf who understands me more than anything...they r like the wells mentioned here for me..... but now that im 17 im physically much stronger to resist her...but she still continues ugh i just wanna get outta here asap
Narcissists do that . It was a chronic problem with my mother destroying things she knew I made and/ or cared about . Everyone wondered why I didn’t cry at her funeral. You just don’t miss sadists .
@@hdphonector8434 if you are strong enough to resist. You are strong enough to end it.
My dad didn't tear up mine (a novelization of a favorite movie); he just refused to look at it and asked dismissively if I wasn't too old for that.
@Jep Sep NYU.
Idk what anonymous prophet you get informed from, but that's quite the leap you're making between an economic ideology and people who disapprove of child abuse.
When a mother locks a child in a basement for weeks, is that defensible to you IF she did it to teach a lesson not to cross her?
What about branding? Or forcing violence or sexual acts between siblings? To teach lessons of obedience or humility of course...
Is there a line you draw based on any ethical principle?
Obviously destroying a child's first creative work in front of them doesn't register as abusive parenting to you, so I worry how much farther you would go with a dependent child.
My girlfriend is my abuser. I've lived with her for a few months. This video is helping me. I will walk away today
I hope things turned out well for you, abusive relationships are not worth it.
Have you walked out ?
Best wishes!
Update?
Update? Are you doing well?
I know this video is months old but I'd like to put in that forgiving your abuser and re-connecting with them can seem tempting when the people around you say they've changed. Even if they have changed, mentally you will never forget what they are capable of, them changing doesn't mean that you owe them forgiveness or a second chance in your life.
My abuser has cancer. No I can’t engage with his fake kindness
@@KitchenWitchery children that aren't planned, are more than 60% of Earth's children. I am one, born too 17 year old and what I "took" from my parent.
Well said....
They change for a while to go back to the even worse abuse.
Listening to your story about making that comic and your mother just thumbing through it and ripping it up had me tearing up. I relate too well. I had a fairly troubled home life as a child and in my early teens I started keeping a journal with poems that wasn't meant to be read and marked private. My parents found my writing stash and, rather than respecting my privacy, read through an entire composition notebook. They left it open on the dining room table to a page clearly about my abusive stepfather and the smug disgusting look he had on his face from destroying the safe haven of a scared child has never left me. Thank you for your videos.
I'm sorry that happened to both of you.
My parents weren't really like that. I guess we just went to lots of different churches. I've probably heard all about a Hell as a kid from multiple Protestant faiths. How you avoided Hell wasn't even necessarily the same, but as long as I did whatever the latest people told me to do and prayed whatever they asked me to pray right?
I got this pretty vivid memory as a kid of sitting way up in the top branch of an orange tree in my grandma's back yard (grandma was _very_ religious) like from light until it got dark, sitting in that tree thinking about what I had to do to avoid going to Hell. Strategizing my best course of action. It was the most important thing in the world to me, for obvious reasons. I should have just been a kid climbing a tree.
Same, I drew a nude work of art that I was really proud of (inspired by a Greco-Roman statue) when my mom came into my room. She went off about nudity being evil and original sin, then she ripped it up and laughed. I could later hear her laughing about it with a friend over the phone. I haven't drawn a nude since.
@@DrDeathpwnsu It's so much pressure so young. Its unfortunate that so many of us are raised in these ways. I was raised JW (a Christian cult, but I digress). No hell in the doctrine, but a teaching of permanent death at the end of the world. The demise of humanity had played out in my head so many times by the time I was 12 I was both paranoid about and numb to god killing me off one day. It's nice when we can escape these ways of thinking but chilling to think about how many of those seeds are being planted in children right now.
@@dorothypierre754 I'm sorry we all share experiences like this. It's unfortunate such experiences are so common. And for what? Regardless of religious belief or moral hangups, it's not like laughing in your face was ever going to make you into a better person. Such behavior truly is abusive.
@@WalkingAnarchy Yeah, I had the "liberal Christian" parents who wanted me to, you know, see all the different churches and "make up my own mind" I guess. As long as making up my own mind was being Christian and not Catholic or Mormon or anything. They'd have told me JWs were a cult for sure, but at least I wouldn't have this fear of hell had I been a JW.
They're both still religious. But with my mom it's just like, she just changes the subject, "Oh that's just what we believe. How are you? How is XYZ?" etc. With my Dad it's like he's the most intelligent, rational, sanest dude you can imagine, but I guess back in 1989 he says he saw God and he knows how that sounds but it's proof for him... I don't know why it is you know, it shouldn't matter what my parents think, it should only matter what I think, but somehow _it_ _does_ _matter_ to me and I have hard time convincing myself what I can't convince them. Does that even make sense?
This couldn't have come at a better time. Earlier today I got into a spat with my mother (with whom I live) regarding my independence and refusal to go to church this morning. She has a habit of trying to control my appearance and relationships, and she even invades my privacy by looking at my financial records before giving me the papers to look over myself. Additionally, she feels she has the authority to take away possessions that I bought with my own money. She certainly does have abusive traits, and I think she deludes herself into thinking she's doing the right thing, which I imagine is not uncommon amongst these types of people. Anyway, I'm just glad you made this video. I feel validated, thank you.
Depending on how old you are, try to find a way to get out of there.
I know it's easier said, but there IS a way.
My life improved immensely when I moved out of my mother's house and left her to support herself. Improved even more when I finally severed ties with rest of "family". They'd acquired the habit of using me as the family scapegoat, and always expecting me to cooperate/comply/help freely beyond my means while they were never "able" to be helpful.
Im in a similar situation. :( But there is a way out I believe
We all wish you the best of luck, despite having been occasionally abused by close relatives I can't imagine how you might feel in being literally robbed of your indipendence. Hang in there, ciao! 💪👍🖖
Same here
It's a good day when there is a new TheraminTrees upload
My thoughts exactly
Amen
I'm a $10 patron. It's well worth it.
Yes, a nice break from there recent events that are dominating UA-cam.
@Unauthorized It's a no only because that implies that the next one is too far to come.
I discovered the grey rock method as a child, but my father could see through it and would only become more upset. With time I discovered the beige rock method as well, and with time the colors of the rock have become more vibrant. But it's still only a rock. There's very little meaningful substance to any of our interactions, and sometimes it saddens me a little.
I also used the grey rock a lot when I was little. So much that it became my personality. Now I am so out of sync with my emotions. I don't know how to fix this, so I'm going to a psychologist (not since coronavirus started but I'll continue) :/
That's only natural.
You are human. 👍
@@gammarayneutrino8413 good luck! :)
I've also practiced grey rock when I was little with my aunt and it did work with her and she didn't make me feel worthless for this reason - after all, she's not my mother.
It doesn't really work with my dad and step mom, however. I try to do the beige rock thing but I end up getting too emotional sometimes, I do take risks like starting sentences with "I don't like/I love..." which don't usually turn out well. So oof.
Thankfully I'm very in tune with my emotions and always have been. My problem was self esteem, which also has significantly gotten better after I achieved reliable support systems, albeit outside my family, and even country. Two people I met online, who mean the world to me.
If you have self esteem problems, please remember that getting other people to give you compliments won't do anything for you, as in, depending on other people's opinions won't do anything for you since one bad opinion will break you down. If you don't have this problem, sorry for the useless information))
Anyway, I hope you get better soon. Just think about all the potential you have that is yet to be unlocked. Your inner world is just as wonderful as the outer world.
I have the same issue. I just shallowly reflect the emotions back onto the person I'm talking with. It's made me a great actor and manipulator, but at the cost of a truly deep relationship with my parents. It makes me sad at times as well, but it's better than constant conflict.
i started journaling very young because my dad would gaslight me if i confronted him with any of his abusive actions. back then i just needed to prove to myself that i wasnt crazy, dramatic, spoiled or misremembering things. i never wanted older me to look back on my childhood and downplay what i went through either.
and im so glad i did that! i would seriously recommend journaling to anyone struggling with abuse. reading back some of my journals i cant believe that i forgot some of it.
Hi. I believe you. It’s hard to believe yourself sometimes when so many people gaslight you, but I believe you. I know what it feels like. I hope you are living in a better space rn.
Same.😞
When you talk about having to do your habits in private, it's so true! My parents kept trying to stop me from listening to Japanese music because they thought it was turning me into an atheist (don't ask). Still can't see the logic in that.
One day, they threatened to kick me out if I didn't delete a specific song (the first end credits song of the anime "Naruto." I forget the title) That made me so angry! Why should I have to conform to their ignorance of Japanese music? Thankfully, I have my own car now, so I can listen to my music without any of that, "now listen to gospel music" crap. Or "for now on, you're _only_ gonna listen to gospel music!" They can't tell me what to do in my own car.
I asume your talking about wind which is actually in English dude just has a nutty accent "Believe it!" if your talking about Shippudens first ending (that'd be older Naruto) I believe that one is in Japanese. The music in naruto intros are bangers I recommend searching Naruto intros for a nostalgia trip I only finished Naruto earlier this year and I get weirdly emotional and I'm not even out of high school.
@@traister101 You're right, it was "Wind."
@@siouxmaelstrom4042 No. They didn't cite any reason. They just thought that Japanese music is atheist, which is funny because if they weren't so ignorant in Japanese culture, they'd realize that Japanese, on average, aren't atheist.
How can they not know that most Japanese people aren't atheists???
ah yes,naruto turned me atheist.
My mother was a common user of backtalk, and it was often cleverly disguised and reasoned out. Whatever I said always ended up not being true, especially when it came down to my own experiences. If I'd felt hurt, unsupported, and put down, I could expect many words on how that was not what she intended. At the end of it, I was just reading into things and being irrationally angry at her for doing the right thing. I've listened very extensively, and I could never hear an apology in her words.
The one time I naively tried to make things better between my brother and mother ( he had distanced himself and I wanted to make my mother happy ) I saw how she slowly made it all about her. Instead of us children being able to voice our pains and be heard, she began crying, saying that she had done the right things. We should have just been different/normal/better children, and there was nothing wrong with her choices. We were being mean.
The poison well fits my mother to a T. Nothing that brought me joy was ever good enough. We are at the stage where she is rewriting history. In the same vein as the previous paragraphs, I just didn't read into it right. She was being supportive, and she never meant to make me feel like all my interests were bad and evil. Well, I still felt that way, so intent be damned!
I'm living my best life now, far away from that house. I've never been happier. I finally feel alive, I feel like I can finally be a child and love whatever I want to love!
@Ranna the Ranger That sounds like corporate PR double-speak doesn't it?
I feel you. My parents once threw a hammer (not for nailing, for forge, like 4Kg-9lb of iron) to my head. Didn't miss, just that the car window in the way slowed it down enough not to directly hit me. I was trying to run away to avoid conflict. I left with the window totally destroyed and the hammer still in my car.
I never heard anything even close to an apology. I cut all relationship with them 4years ago except for a couple calls a month. I always tell them that while they want to keep the relationship that way I'm not coming back. They play dumb and ask me "What do you mean?" and I bring that example up because it's the most obvious. Their response is "How long are you going to keep bringing that up? That's in the past". My head goes "Bitch! You never apologized!" then I breath and say "As long as you keep that kind of behaviour up." and hung up.
Freedom might feel hard sometimes, but omg it is sooo much better.
"I feel like I can finally be a child" is totally what I'm going through as well, which for a time made me feel ashamed of myself since I'm almost 30 already.
@Rangerous Danger THIS, "well, I'm sorry you feel that way... but..."
@here we go now admittedly, I've done this before, and for awhile I was confused as to where the slope begins to slip. Much later I found theramintrees, and saw the video where he covered people who appeal to their emotions instead of reason.
I was in a controlling relationship where it felt like being myself made my girlfriend snap, she's always played this card; appealing to her emotions; projecting her feelings onto me and claiming I must be in the wrong because of how she thinks I made her feel. I used to just take it, because that's what boyfriends do. But it became so exhausting to be put into a corner every time, that I became extremely adverse to taking blame anymore. I couldn't help but tell her that I'm sorry for how she feels. it generally made the situation worse, I know better now on what to do, but even more so, not everyone is responsible for how others feel.
As someone who studied communication in college, and works a job as what might be described "communication strategist", i.e., someone who tries to figure out the best ways to convey diverse and sometimes arcane info to various groups of people, I must say that I love TT's animations. They're always perfect little metaphors that illustrate non-physical, psychological concepts, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. Imagine if someone asked you to create a totally visual, non-verbal representation of, say, a codependent relationship and you'll get some idea of the challenge. On a technical level, the animations have just the right amount of detail and motion/change so that the veiwer stays interested in watching, but isn't distracted by unnecessary details or frenetic motion. It only just occurred to me how remarkably great the things are--I think the simplicity of them made me overlook their insightfulness--but now that I've noticed it, I'm kind of blown away with just how expressive those animations are. Kind of genius, really.
I came out to my parents as trans over Thanksgiving. They did not take it well. I was told numerous times that they'd never see me for who I am, that I've ruined my life and maybe theirs too. We never had a good relationship, this only confirmed what I already suspected. On some level, I can understand how they reacted. Seeing an open wine bottle in the morning was shocking, they never drink. But I keep reminding myself that while I empathize with their distress, their treatment of me is not acceptable.
I hope you’re doing well and wish you the best
Darling I hope that one day your parents see you and respect you as the person you are underneath the mask they saw you as since you were born. Know that you will grow to meet people who celebrate you as you are and you will become a person you will be proud of.
why would you decide to turn trans over thanksgiving? Thanksgiving cant affect you that much can it?
@@neglectfulsausage7689 Post turkey clarity.
@@neglectfulsausage7689 I see English isn’t your first language. To “come out” means to disclose your gender. It doesn’t mean to “decide”.
It's as if you've made a character analysis of my stepfather before making this video. Can't wait to move out and indeed terminate any and all contact
Bruh, same
Good job guys!
The day my stepfather moved out was one of the best days of my life
@@nathanmckenzie904 it might be hard to describe but how did it feel? Were you more comfortable? Less on edge?
@@AI-tc8fv I know you didn't ask _me_ , but may be of use. I left my (biological) parents after a lifetime of constant psychological abuse reinforced with physical violence about twice a month. They also exerted economical control, always making sure I wouldn't have more than 50€ at my name at any moment (sharing my income account, among others, emotionally blackmailing me for the money...). So after a situation that made me realize it was a survival issue, I went to a different bank, got a loan to "study abroad" and left for Germany, not speaking a word of German. I ended up living in Paris (also, not a word of French, but a city is way better for that) with a big debt, no help, and sleeping at a job mate's floor. Also, for the first time in forever, I took care of myself and it became obvious that I had been carrying a huge depression I had to take care of.
Still, never looked back or missed what I left. I was the master of my own fate, and that was making me so grateful to finally leave that behind.
Doesn't matter how hard it gets. How lonely. *It gets better.* And taking risks will make you develop in ways that you still don't know about yourself.
My personal advice? Don't wait. Don't share your plan. If you need to leave, risk it. Things will go well. Find a job before, if you want a safety net. Try to have some support (friends, some savings, a loan...) to ensure your survival. You just need food and shelter. But don't mistrust everyone, strangers can become friends. Give chances. Share. It will be well, for the most time. You are not alone. Not all your relationships will be like that. Being a target does not define you. You are much much more than that.
The worst part about this is that parents who are abusive get away with it more because young minds are unable to understand how to deal with the situation, as someone who went through psychological trauma I can attest that climbing out is riddled with side effects of guilt.
I’m going to be 19 in a few days. My narcissist father literally told me today after my mom said “so there will be a day you and your brother don’t live with us anymore? I can’t deal with that.” And my dad literally said, “no. She (talking about me) will never leave me. I can’t live without her. I’ll be with her forever.” And my mom said “what if she gets married?” My dad said, “I’ll live on the roof.” He’s also very controlling and interferes into everything and drives me insane. I feel powerless to my own future I’m so young I deserve to have a future I choose. I want to travel and have my dream career in music. I hate him so much.
I recommend low/no contact
So very happy to see you back. You've helped my recovery in ways you couldn't imagine. I haven't contacted my relatives (I'm hesitant to use the word "family") in nearly a year and I have to credit you with some of that. In time, I know the nightmares will subside and I will heal. Thank you.
I wish you well in your healing.
i know that every old person on the internet says this but, i'm glad that you managed to get out of a relationship like that and i genuinely cannot imagine what that's like.
Will Scanlan I finally blocked THEM ( too too do not like to use the world family)today. For 6 years i was very distant...even moved to another state...but kinda cycled back earlier this year b/c of illogical reasons. Anyways, THEM are the same...toxic, malignant, abusive narcissistic. I though about how my life would be 1, 2, 3 years from not if I allowed them back on my life. This resulted in my finally getting the strength to do what I’ve been thinking of doing more months. I changed my number and blocked THEM....and I’m never going back!
"relatives" instead of "family" is so much more comfortable and accurate, thank you! I hope you're doing well!
I had a father who was extremely abusive throughout my childhood and even into my early adulthood. Broke off all contact with him 12 years ago, and never looked back. Heard he died at the end of last year; didn't shed a solitary tear.
Me too. The worlds a better place now.
I am glad he is dead and that you seem to be thriving!!!!
Sad, that our own parents were so. How did world, get so f___ed?
It is fun how we look like soulless when we dont grief for them, its like where was your soul bitch when you were trying to make my life hell
@@j.christie2594You were born in it, that's why
“It’s not cruel or mean to distrust people who’ve repeatedly destroyed your trust. It’s rational and healthy.”
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed to listen to this today. I was feeling so guilty and down because I didn’t go to a family event yesterday. My family has verbally abused and manipulated me all my life and now that I’m trying to set boundaries they’re acting like I’m the worst person in the world … and I was so unsure if I was doing the right thing to distance myself.
I have to say when I watch your videos you always speak of an alliance with your brother and I’m so envious of that. I have 3 siblings much older than me and it was hell.
Also I’m so sorry my comments are a mess. I’m new to UA-cam and I’m not familiar with the platform. I don’t know how to edit my comments.
@@GGVanilla When you hover over a comment in the browser or are looking at a comment you made on mobile, there's a little 3-dot menu you can click that has an edit option. Best of luck setting those boundaries, cheers!
The worst part for me is seeing my siblings learn and take traits from the abuser, ensuring that kind of behavior is nurtured and will go on to effect even more victims.
As a victim of emotional abuse by parents I later on ended up repeating the pattern in my romantic relationships and friendships as well because it was just familiar to me and I didn't have a sense of what normalcy was! So that's something that y'all have to watch out for if whoever is reading is has gone through abuse of some sort.
These videos are so therapeutic, it's like my years of abuse by family friends and boyfriends are finally being validated and I'm finally losing the guilt over the inadvertent steps I took to distance myself from them.
thank you for this comment. i feel much less alone knowing that other people have this experience. i'm grateful that we're able to recognize that we have also been abusive (mostly because thats the first and sometimes only relationship modeled to us, and/or the only one that stuck) and take accountability. may we break the cycles.
on second thought, im not sure if you meant "repeating the pattern" as in enacting abuse, or re-experiencing it in different relationships, but i still want to leave my comment up in case anyone else can relate.
my brother just came back into my life I thought he was catholic still but it turns out he felt indoctrinated as well and dropped his faith almost immediately upon moving out. definitely sharing your videos with him, you've been incredibly informative and helpful letting me gain a much better insight as to why my parents acted how they did and even to forgive them. thank you.
as someone who was brought up in the Catholic faith (not very strict though) I feel very sorry for you and I'm very sorry that the church has become such a ready playground for cultlike abusive people
Halfway through the video but I just one say that one of the best survival strategies I developed as a child was learning foreign languages. There is so much relief in being able to speak your mind without watching ur back
same
Holy shit yes. And make sure it's a language your abuser doesn't know. My mother knows english so, in case, i prefer to write stuff either in a very private place (like my phone or in a file i upload to my google drive), or in japanese.
I feel the same dude
The grey-rock:
Blue-Jacket (Chapter 1):
She would passive-aggresivly mock my beliefs and personality.
She would misinterpret me in ways that ended up harming me, due to her spreading false word about who I was.
She would go out of her way to criticize me, even if I only did 1 mild mistake in a midst of well-intention actions.
Green-Jacket (Chapter 2):
I accept that I'm never going to please her.
I come home late one night after throwing a football around with a friend of mine;
Something I never got to do before.
She tells me I'm being irresponsible, telling me I'll wake up late tomorrow.
I wake up at my regular time.
Purple Jacket (Chapter 3):
She asks me what's bothering me.
I tell her I feel that I'm not in-control of my own life, and that I'm not trusted.
She criticizes me for even having these beliefs, saying that I'm lucky to even have her in my life.
I tell her I feel extreme discomfort when she yells at me, and that I will gladly listen if she were to calm down; Yelling should be saved for when the other person is not listening.
I'm shut-down again.
The yelling becomes ineffective anyway.
Orange Jacket:
She tries to show me a tv show so we can get to know each other better.
I take the first excuse possible to get out.
She asks what's wrong through a text-message.
I explain my issues with stuff unrelated to her.
She recommends I get anti-depression, and: 'get over it.'
I thank her for her advice, but I dont follow it.
Chapter 5:
We don't talk to each other anymore.
She seems very upset with me for not opening up anymore, despite her efforts.
I've lost my ability to care.
I have to do what's right for me.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck with healing, mate
I hope you can get better :)
@@metawarp7446 Thank-you. Thank you both. :)
@@idkdude1118 Thank-you. I think this comment got hearted by the owner of this channel, only to then be unhearted a few moments later.
It kind of stung, that my comment on the surface level might have intrigued him, but that upon further inspection, he decided not to draw too much attention to it.
I'm glad it seems that some people like it though. I'm sure he didn't mean anything bad. I admire him a lot.
Make sure to take care of yourself. You are not alone. Sounds like you can be responsible for yourself, but make sure you have good support. Friends can be a blessing, but don't fear to check on a professional. If she suggests drugs again, you can suggest going to therapy first (that might also lead to having therapy together, but don't raise your hopes. It may help the relationship, but the objective is not that. It is to help *you*)
Feel bad for anyone living with their abuser. Leaving was difficult and scary but after about a year I realized life was so much better when I could relax and be myself.
That's good to here iv only done 3 months during lockdown and glad to here maybe a year thanks
@TheraminTrees. I was molested by the son of a family friend from the age of 8 to 14. My parents took proper action on the matter and stopped it. My grandma heard me talking about my experience to someone on her land line. She chided me, and told me I shouldn't be talking about it. I told her " *I've* got nothing to be ashamed of....*he* does".
Im now 42, and two classes away from my BA in Psychology, then it's on to Grad School for my Master's In Clinical Mental Health. I want to be able to show kids and teenagers, , from my experience, that going through that experience doesn't mean that they can't follow their dreams...that they can have a satisfying, full life..that their experience, unspeakably painful as it is, doesn't have to define them. I want to let them know that someone cares, bc that someone is not just a counselor, she's a hard headed survivor...and they can be, too.
My dad's 2nd wife in a nutshell. Worst 7 years of my life. Her parents are even worse.
That terrible ☹️ I'm sorry you went through that! 😇 But God loves you and everything will be alright someday
@@nicksanders9148 If you're talking about God, you should know this channel's views on religion.
@@nicksanders9148 Hi mate, I'm sure you do mean well but under the comments of this channel the evocation of God can distress the person you're talking to, as some may have a history of living with abusers who use God as a tool of abuse.
Have a nice day :)
@@nicksanders9148 god loves nobody because he isn't
@@LordCivers Also who uses emojis trying to "comfort" another person
Thank you for saying "targets" rather than "victims"
That kid looked like he was having so much fun flying around that goatee.
...This came out two days after my 27th birthday, where my mother assaulted me. She gouged my arm with her nails and punched me in the chest. I may not be a child, but I do have to have her in my life for at least six more months while I work to gain my independence. Thank you for this video.
@Jep Sep That's easy for you to say, you didn't have a parental figure trying to cut your legs out from under you. She actively sabotaged my efforts to leave home with underhanded tactics. The options had been, for a long time -- "Be homeless" or "Stay here". Sleeping on the streets was still inferior to staying there.
@@KitchenWitchery Good luck finding your own path forward. Believe in what you've chosen for yourself and work hard.
Barely three minutes in and already relatable
Having had to grey rock MANY times before. I have, through practice, learned a good technique. Time your own response to other people who you don't want to engage with.
They will usually starting a conversations so that denying a response will be a source of conflict. So I give them an instant and involved response at first. Then I introduce hesitation in my responses. To think, or to get distracted... what ever really.
Then I make sure I work towards a full 60 second pause between their comment and a response. I make sure this response pushes them to continue the conversation.
Then you wait 2 min, then you wait 4 minutes, and work towards a full 30 minute difference between their comment and your response.
After doing this around 4 or 5 times, they learn that conversations with me are more exhausting then others, and find a new target.
If I don't have the time to do this, I take a strong notice of what they say or do to start a conversation. Deny the conversation, but then no less then 7-10min go back to them and approach them to start the conversation again.
Often, they aren't in the same head-space as they were when they first approached you and are thrown off. Most often, you will be interrupting them in a conversation with someone else. This works well in case they go to someone else to drag them into their game (misinformation or triangulation), as often as you are interfering with their tactics to triangulate on your further.
The great thing about this technique, is it feels natural when dealing with manipulators and un-natural when dealing with genuine people.
I recently took up this practice. It has quashed antagonism some what. Very draining though for me, playing these head-games post traumatic brain injury is like a bike ride to the gym for weight lifting after a marathon, my brain doesn't have capacity, to not fizzle seconds into conflict, find myself folding and walking away hiding often. Good point though..
22:09 That part of genuine change touched me, it made me feel sorry for the abuser character. It would be a deep regret to realize your errors, but to be too late to save a cherished relationship.
I really like how you present the abuser characters with all their flaws, tell people not to feel responsible for fixing abusers at their own detriment, but still, you show them as humans. I never had to deal with anything like this, but I find these videos very interesting.
Whilst I recognize that I am not the target audience of this video, it's still helped me by recognizing the way I've helped people in my life who are still in abusive situations. Thank you for making this video, even if you didn't mean for it to help people like me.
I’ve been dealing with abusers my whole life. As my marriage was coming to an end, I started to notice a lot of similarities between how my wife was treating me and how my mom and sister used to treat me. I realize that all of them, plus my dad and me, all shared the same opinion: it was ok to treat me as inferior, my opinions don’t really matter, and I’m dumb and incompetent.
I didn’t even begin to unlearn this until the age of 41. Just accepted it as true.
Well let's be frank, dumb people and dumb ideas will be treated as dumb. I would understand if may be that way if one person did it but, if everyone who knows you well treats you as Dumb or dumb ideas than maybe that's how that is.
What's your IQ? What are your intellectual accomplishments.
i want to thank your brother too. you had someone with you who helped you normalize a sane response to abuse. i had 3 siblings but we four were expertly kept at odds with one another. looking back it is unbelievable how much energy went into controlling the landscape.
'....we four were expertly kept at odds with one another.'
-And it's often tough to overcome, once those divisions have been established isn't it - because you all have to want to overcome them. It's lovely when I hear of offspring who find some way back to each other - even when it's just one relationship among a handful. So often the divisions become lifelong.
@@TheraminTrees it is tough. we have all tried to connect at different times but we don't have the skills to maneuver the gulf. old patterns quickly re-emerge. can't thank you enough for what you are doing with these posts. deep appreciation from here.
i almost want to thank your mom for necessitating the hyper-vigilance that you have turned into such an extraordinarily useful intellectual clarity. but of course i'd rather you had had a better experience. i don't wish that on anyone.
> unbelievable how much energy went into controlling the landscape.
That behavior extends well beyond families. Societies as-a-whole have their perceptions distorted, for various reasons.
Leaving my siblings behind and alone in an abusive household so I can see my own freedom will be a powerful chain that weighs me down
Imagine having a therapy session with TheraminTrees... sounds like a dream
I come back to this video every once in while ,its really hard living with abusers ,THIS VIDEO SAVED ME !
My family is full of abusive people who can’t see how abusive they really are. My brother and his girlfriend just pointed out to me what they’re doing, especially to me, recently. They treat me like a kid, like a lower life form, and like a freak. To the point where I have all these doctors and pills I probably don’t even need, and most of my anxiety is probably caused by them.
I hope you get through that situation in your life.
Time to cut them out of your life! I did, and feel wonderful!
I can so relate to you. I got the same problem.
In that situation of, verbal antaganization is so norm and I am said cause, and Justification. Partly due to Atheism, partly cause, I'm post brain injury, Coma labelled Crazy, harse treatment,is justified. May we both find Brighter More Justice minded, Peaceful place Away from the Haters and Sadists.
The part about binge-watching hits the nail on the head for me. I work as an after-hours custodian at a catholic elementary/middle school. The job itself is fine, but the surrounding ideology is maddening. These children are essentially being taught that they, and everyone, are broken wretches without God/Jesus; complete theo-dependency. The majority of my family are religious, and in my immediate family I'm the black sheep. I find myself binge-listening in the background to videos from Aron Ra, yourself, TheThinkingAtheist, etc, in an effort to detox from all the insanity I'm surrounded by.
I went through the same thing, and it was a necessary step to let go of my religious upbringing. It was so cathartic to know I wasn't alone in thinking all the people around me were acting wrong! Just look out for UA-cam atheism in particular, there is a kind of racist, misogynist atheism that you might come across.
@@slb2369 I haven't come across atheist videos like that, that I'm aware of, though I expect some such less than civil demeanor in the comment sections. I don't usually dwell in the smaller, perhaps fringe channels. The ones I listed, along with Atheist Experience and Talk Heathen, are what I frequent. But yeah, it's relieving to hear these people calling out these mythologies and the atrocities within for what they are and condemning the people trying to mandate privileged immunity and acceptance for their irrationality at everyone else's expense.
I am very religious and called "middle eve" from people that definetely lack discernment, while being abusive and literally insane. Like after all the diagnoses, insanity comes often to my mind. So, being believer is not the problem. I am also therapist and still don't know what is wrong with these people.
With you on many levels. I live in Pyycho Drunk christ Tweeeker zone. I also binge FFR, Aron Ra, Holy Koolaid to keep for meltdown. I play them on porch now Outloud, in responce too them. After a raunchy lady and her meth chriStains, got verbal abusive leading to Them slashed tire, can't prove cause christ ganged up with them and erased Cam video, police attend same unholy house.
@@dionettaeon fringe is right. Atheists mostly are just Too smart to fall as Ignorant comment suggested. He's watching jesus Freaks impersonating Atheists, I think. There are a Ton of Anti-Atheist religious wanting a "Inquisition/Crusade" against Atheism that use many lies, misrepresentations and False narratives, while Claiming to support. Muddy The Water of Truth, religions second Greatest Quest. B-igotry I-ndocturnation B-efore L-egiit E-ducation,What I see.
I just realized I've been acting like a grey-rock towards my parents...
Edit: Okay, seriously; How did you detail perfectly, exactly what happened between me and them?
Seems to be a behavior pattern that was repeatedly observed and well documented. That's why we get the feeling of "That's it!!!" when our friend describes some of the abuse strategies.
Gray rock gang
@@Thund3rStorm3r Gray rock gang
grey rock squaaa
A word of warning about grey-rocking, and other tools of psychological armour. Armour can help keep your enemies out, but it also keeps you in. One day my job invited me and others to go dirt-biking. That sounded fun and interesting, and contrary to being a grey rock. I second-guessed myself to death and almost didn't go. That was when I realized I had to lose my armour if I wanted to grow as a person.
Thank you for your video. Abuse can be passed on like a bad gene. Breaking the cycle should be the goal.
Thank you. I've watched many of your other videos during my "binge" phase, in denial about the fact that my partner of 5 years is not a knight on a white stallion, but not a demon either. The biggest hurdle was, indeed, the isolation. Friends, disbelieving, are downright envious or half-heartedly supportive. Many, motivated by their own selfish interests, offer me a bed in their home (without cutting contact with the abuser). Family told me to shut up and stop complaining, to accept my fate because I had "chosen" it, then would gossip- and it would, in a roundabout way, get back to him, or gave ample excuses.
The most confusing, derailing phenomena is how when he does let his colors show in public, the people I've confided a hushed warning to in passing would, more often than not, turn to me and say: "You need to drop everything and help him. He's your responsibility and you're letting him drown! Can't you see? Are you blind?" It was the people nearby who fell off of my radar because [they] saw the danger and grey rocked that would, later, prove invaluable in helping me break free. Soon, I hope, if I can reach them through the muck...otherwise, I'll be reaching out to a support line tomorrow. It's starting to make sense now why he's been so selective about who I'm friends with, and why it's always people who are explosive and two-faced.
It's amazing how entertaining these videos are despite the seriousness of the subject matter. I can't say I have any direct experience with emotional abuse, but I definitely related to the safety net bit, as I had a similar experience with a recent blackmail scare. Overall an amazing video, love watching your content, even if I can't directly relate to it all the time.
I have the same thoughts when watching these videos.
*Endeavoring* to relate to it is all that matters. Some people think, "If I didn't experience it or see it in media, it isn't real." Furthest thing from the truth!!!
Your *attempt* at understanding and relating is very much appreciated!
I love how you are capable of portraying women as abusers and men as victims of abuse. That is something that I treasure.
Honestly I cried. You have a talent for explaining what goes inside out heads
It's 2am and I'm too angry and upset to sleep, this really came at the perfect time
You and me too! I got woke up by this notification. So glad I was.
I moved out half a year ago. My heart goes out to you all out there who are living with abusers in these times of the pandemic.
The segment about the hooks and rings was incredibly eye-opening and useful. I will definitely be taking this to heart when dealing with my abusive mother
I'm genuinely curious how someone can give a dislike a video like these
Probably an abusive mother who just saw herself depicted into the hook figurine lol.
Someone who uses abuse, control, and coercion to get their way.
This man deadass explained my whole family history in one video
.... this video is a little late...but much needed..
maybe if I watched it before I wouldn't understand it at an emotional level, but having words to describe the tactics can be helpful. I think my abusers noticed my grey/beige rock tactic and because of that they multiplied the drama, the gaslighting, etc. And before that I tried honest confrontation, many times, so I gave them information I shouldn't gave them. If I'd known I woulded be more subtle and maybe saved energy, time, relations, etc.
If you have time, you're never late.
Your videos are always a welcome surprise! They have genuinely made a difference in the way I look at life. Thank you!
Reading this comment was surreal considering you have the same name as my ex-pastor
I like that you featured a walking animation in this one! It's interesting to see movement instead just the regular static poses.
I forgot that there's also a walking animation at the end of "punishing doubt". It's much more subtle though.
Never a wasted word. Always a journey. Amazing as always.
5:04 "Any external acknowledgment of the abuse, however small can have value." This video, in that exact time, did that for me. Seeing the abuse I've received for years being depicted even as background figures was so liberating. Thank you.
Me: *binging on Theramin Trees*
“...periods of binge watching abuse related videos...”
Me: *feels called out*
as someone with fundamentalist and very religious abusive parents, this was so so helpful and encouraging. it explained things so clearly and gave advice that I will definitely be using going forward. as I'm still stuck living with my abusers, it's a very delicate situation, but I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it.
it's insane how validating watching this is. i'm trapped in a house with abusive parents (moving out soon though, luckily) whose favourite tactic is gaslighting me and making me feel like I'M the abuser in this situation. i can recognize so may things they do in this video and things i do myself. i've definitely thought to myself "ah, dad's playing the 'playing the victim' card again" before. it's really comforting and helps me remember that i'm not at fault for this.
This channel means a lot to me and teaches me more about parenting than any other channel designed to offer parenting advice. I always told myself that I’d never be like my parents, but when you weren’t taught how to do things right you default to the only way you know how. Your channel makes it easier for me to empathize with my child and teaches me what I shouldn’t do before I resort to it by default. I never wanted my relationship with my child to be based on a power dynamic. Thank you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your diverse portrayal of abusers and abuse victims. Breaking away from stereotypes of "the Abuser" is an important factor in getting people to understand that it can indeed happen to them
Thanks. I agree!
thank you. as a victim of an abusive household i am finally getting away, i had to learn by myself how to distance myself, how to break the silence, how to concentrate on my own well beeing. it took a lot of time, my childhood was wasted, my mental health will take a lot to recover, but at least now i can start living for myself. this video helps me a lot, it shows me that i am doing the right thing, it gives me hope for the future. i am proud of myself for beeing strong enough to get up on my own, but i hope when i grow up i can help people like me, i can spare someone of what i had to go trough.
Excellent as usual. Have discussed a lot about your video on narcissistic people. I'm sure will use this one. Hits home in so many levels. Best regards to you and your brother.
Thanks J :8) I hope you and yours have been keeping safe and well.
I didn’t become silent when my dad was abusive. My whole life I’ve told people about him and my whole life nobody did anything.
Edit: I’m somewhat safe now though. I’m too sickly to start life on my own but my parents helped me get another home. He turned nice after we stopped living together. 🤷🏻♀️
"...and it's not uncommon for targets to go through periods of binge-watching abuse-related videos."
I am in this video and I feel comforted by this fact
10:38-10:56 is so very important to keep in mind. I notice some of these traits in some individuals I live with, but there are also elements lacking. As enlightening as these vids are, always important to keep in mind that they don’t qualify me or make me an expert in diagnosis.
"It's not cruel or mean to distrust people who have repeatedly destroyed your trust, it's rational and healthy." I NEEDED to hear this. I've been living with my abusive parents all my life and I've never been able to get support or acknowledgement of the abuse from my family. I am seen as disrespectful and rude for not trusting them enough to be open about my thoughts and feelings. Because of this I've been binge watching abuse related videos to do just as you said "bath in the acknowledgement of reality". Thank you so much for this.
Hey TheraminTrees, I've been watching your content since I came across QualiaSoup's "The Burden of proof" back when I an early teen. I remember the feeling of revelation as soon as I started watching as if a great weight that I didn't know how to deal with for the longest time was suddenly barely even there. It was like I was finally given a tool that I knew worked. I've never commented anything, but as I lost my home of last year your videos have been especially touching and I thought if I was going to leave a comment on any youtube video that it would be yours.
Since that video I've watched everything you guys have posted and its been quite the journey as your content seems to almost mirror the things I've had to face growing up, I started breaking shackles with religion but it soon became clear that the real constraints were much closer to home. I was forced to face problems in my family, due to increasingly erratic behaviour, so did your content become more centred on that, if I didn't know better I'd say that your content and advice has been like something of a guardian angel, I feel more guidance from you than I had from either of my parents.
The worst part about growing up the way I did was the isolation, I fear that I was incapable of any more wells for myself as I constantly faced hardships with any other relationship I tried to develop, I felt intense guilt and shame as closer relationships inevitably interacted with my coping mechanisms and I grew terrified of making anyone feel the way that I did as their complaints echoed mine. I still struggle with that a lot, it's really easy to make myself believe I am a horrible person, I feel a constant need to shield other people from myself, often people I love the most being the most affected. It's incredibly isolating and painful and makes me feel like I am no better than what I felt for so long. I feel like everything good I've created for myself is still just a product of the pain and resentment I fostered which in turn makes me hate everything I do as well, it feels like a responsibility to segregate either it or my feelings about it from everyone else. I feel like that's the only way to not turn into my parents.
The hardest part today is to figure out what is it that I feel that is real and what is born out of resentment, I relate so much to everything you explain a victim of abuse to feel and yet I struggle to come up with specific, concise actions that really explain why I would feel that way, or to that extent. I feel a lot of confusion and frustration that leaves me feeling like I am the crazy one, that I'm the abuser, that my feelings of isolation and inadequacy are from own abusive compulsions regardless of what my parents might or not have done. I have one real, long term relationship that for the longest time made me feel like I wasn't broken, but has recently been complaining about the same things I've spent a life shielding other people from and breaking relationships because the feelings of guilt were too much to bear. I'm in therapy and unlike the several ones I had as a child, I feel results with this one, but I still find myself in that hole, I don't see myself walking into it, I just wake up in it. My relationship with my parents is dwindling as I grow independent, but the cycles and the pain don't seem to be going anywhere.
I feel like I've spent a lifetime trying to decide whether the right thing to do was to not accept my reality and striving for something better, or accept my situation and move on. I feel like the two are completely incompatible emotionally and I've struggled with both with no success since I can remember.
If you do ever read this, I just hope you understand that what you guys have created is invaluable to me, you make me feel like I make sense.
and if it means anything, you're the only youtube channel I never miss an upload on.
I live for your videos -- it's sad that I can relate, but it's great to feel understood. Thank you for your fine work. Love from Brazil for you and Qualia -- another great man with a great voice!
I have been making a habit of listening to you, especially since my son was born. He’s too small to understand now, but I’m looking forward to talking with him and sharing these videos with him as he grows. I wonder if you have kids or mentor children somehow? I love the thought that more kids could be equipped with this knowledge through clear education while they’re young, so they won’t have to scramble to learn these lessons as adults.
To be a young adult trying to put your life in order, dating, planning your future... it is too bad that so many of us wasted that precious time confused and angry and lost. With knowledge like this we could have identified those problem-relationships. How empowering would it have been to begin adulthood with this clarity?
Thank you for your dedication to improving the world.
I can’t help but look at my little boy and want to clear a safe path for him- but your videos remind me that if I can give him these tools then he can make his own way.
Bro I’m a black, bi woman and all I can do is sleep through my days. I’m 20 and I can’t get a job cause I’ll be abandoned 💀
But I NEED my family cause I need insulin 😐
I feel like going to a shelter sometimes lmao
I hope you find a way out of your situation. Whatever you decide to do, take your time to make your plan fool-proof, but don't take your time when you start to implement that plan.
Look into a plant based diet. If you have Type II diabetes, it can be reversed. I recommend Dr. Greger from NutritionFacts.org or Dr. Neal Barnard for more information
@@burnheart2965 Considering she's 20, it's unlikely that she would have Type II diabetes (especially unlikely if it was severe enough that she would need to take insulin for it). If people that age need to take insulin, Type I diabetes is a far more likely reason.
You won't be abandoned. You'll be challenged.
There's no security in life. Your family like mine has given you a false sense of security.
Also like you, I have a sickness and need surgery. I can't afford it. Part of me feels being at home is safer because what if I fall ill? I'll need them to help me pay for the surgery, right?
The truth is, their help is conditional and I have to fight for my own life. Nobody else will.
You can fight. Find LGBTQI organizations that can help. Share your story.
People, most times people you least suspect, care about you.
Here's to the good fight.
Burnheart I have type 1 😔 but I’m hoping there’ll be a cure soon lmao
SO much of this is exactly as I've observed from certain pathologically insufferable people I've been stuck around.
I've never had much issue with a fragile self esteem and I'm not easily triggered by malicious antagonism, especially by adapting to an analytical perspective on the psychology of an abusive dynamic.
since childhood it's been easy enough for me to shift from an emotionally spontaneous personal attitude to a dispassionate view of a difficult person, as simply a neurology-based problem to be solved. I admired the android character Data as a kid for his emotionally impervious calculating abilities (ironic that Data's goal was to become more humanly vulnerable, like Pinocchio. grass is always greener I guess).
But even when my the stoic demeanor spared my own feelings and ego, it often just frustrated the abusive people more and could exacerbate their need to assert their influence and make some dent on me. I could be as zen as possible or resiliently positive, but the practical problems they'd be causing for me or my reputation would still be a real burden.
I think my weakness has been my own fixation on finding some resolution to whatever issue the (typically passive aggressive) bully might have with me. Probably in part due to my OCD... and because of my optimism that everyone is potentially capable of being reasonable, if reached in Just the right way, with logos or pathos.
I'm getting much better at simply abandoning the interaction or whole relationship sooner after their red flags have been raised, if I think it's not worth the effort.
Some professional situations have no good solution though. Just gotta get through the bullshit as cleanly as you can and then wash yourself off.
Hi Anthony. Yep, it's good to have that initial filter on isn't it, before committing to trying for resolution - that filter that sifts out the folks raising the flags. Interest evaporates fast if the other person isn't showing any interest in working to a resolution, or expects me to do all the heavy lifting in the interaction.
@@TheraminTrees I think they call it "emotional labor"
It's a labor I'm more willing to Share in with someone who cares to -- more than some others around me who already are carrying the weight of too much trauma from persecution, or who just naturally have a lower tolerance or stamina for stressful interactions for whatever reason.
But yeah I have to remind myself just how many other people there are in the world who could be more worth the effort of conflict resolution than those who aren't even willing to be reasoned with.
it's sort of like prioritizing for triage.
Though I'll afford far more chances to people who are family, of course.
I had to click immediately. Love your work man.
Man the part on 22:20 is sad but it is also true, I had a friendship that sorted of functioned the same way, the person wanted to talk with me again after a few months and I no longer felt comfortable around the person, I felt genuine dread about what could happen next
That analogy of the street at the end hit me pretty hard in the feels for some reason.
I've always known I was in an abusive household but it wasn't until I told a friend about what's been going on and he sent me a link to your video about infantilization, did I know what exactly was happening to me. Finally being able to learn that what I'm experiencing is a real thing that's happened to many people and kids, as sad as that is, has helped me feel less alone and has validated my experiences. I really appreciate you covering these topics.
I'm a weak person. I can't...I have no such abilities and have been battling my mental illness. It was overwhelming. I have given up. These days, I've been starting to accept my fate.
Thanks for the content by the way. Your videos provides me warmth even for a short period of time. At least it felt warm before everything becomes cold.
I cannot express to you how much I needed to see this. Every point you touched on was something I at one point or another struggled with, or still struggle with to this day
this specific video put labels and names to vague concepts I've been experiencing without knowing the terminology for them, and it allowed me to reflect on the whole experience of living with abusers so roundly. this is the most seen, heard, and helped i have ever felt, and now i that ive had to return to my abusive environment, i feel armed with the necessary tools to make it out of here in one piece, not only that, but to also help my friends who are just now starting their journey down the path of recognizing and recovering from abuse
I could listen to him all day. Very comforting after my mother's recent passing, helping me let go of my childhood and embrace who I am today.
My oldest brother was a narcissist and lashed out against everyone in my family. thankfully my mother managed to kick him out eventually. we are doing much better now without him.
Each new video becomes your latest masterpiece. The content is incredibly well written as always, but I’m so impressed at the level of polish and creativity in the presentation. Thank you for continuing to produce these life changing videos, and I hope you’re staying safe.
I wish I knew about this channel two years ago, I've been living with abusive parents for a solid 6 years. When it was only the step mother who had abusive tendencies, it shifted to both my parents turning abusive since two years ago, I've been through emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. I had no privacy, no freedom, and faced constant hypocrisy from both sides. I could say the relationship was the equivalent of bomb defusal, knowing they could explode at any moment if some word was misspoken or some action I took in any scenario. Much of the emotional abuse I went through was on the basis of religious beliefs, and that I was the one responsible for the way I was treated, merely deflecting the blame onto me. And constant shaming for my own identity and beliefs.
I could say I'm a much happier person than I was 2 years ago, never did I expect I would finally leave, and find a much better place than their abusive and toxic environment. Maybe it's a bit late posting this, but to the person reading this, always know that it will always get better. What I went through is a prime example of that.
I wanted to thank you for your videos about narcissistic abuse. I had a narc boyfriend and parents who had some narc-traits. Your video opened my eyes even more and gives me hope. I am afraid to meet those people again but you give me hope that even if it happens, I can break the stick they wanna punch me with
From my tear-stricken eyes through the journey they naturally follow, down my cheeks and to my chest where my heart beats autonomously, thank you.
Identifying and calling out abusive parents is incredibly difficult because most people can't find the line between caring for and protecting a child vs unnecessarily controlling a child. Alice Miller's books helped me to see the light.
All this time, I didn't know that my mother's forms of control was also abuse, not just the other stuff. Thanks so much.
Alice Miller's books are precious.
The story of your mother ripping up the comic you worked so hard on (as a child) had me crying. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Thank you for another informative video however. I got to a point where I was feeling angry at myself about spending so much time watching videos and reading about other people's abusive experiences. But what you said in this video, "It's not about wallowing in misery, it's about bathing in the acknowledgement of reality," released me from that a little.
this guy needs to have a larger platform
Wow. I’ve been on this journey, learning about abuse and psychology, since I was 11. It’s been around 12 years since then and I always discover and learn about something new in your videos, still. Also, thank you for sharing your story ❤ It is much appreciated. I have had issues with revealing my abuse and talking about it with others irk, but videos always help. The part of the video where you talk about watching online content for a validation of the fact that others will not silence or deny these behaviors… is so real!!! It inspires me to do the same one day. To share one related part of my life, I am a grad student in psychology. I would love to keep pursuing this and begin to make videos that help out others on a rational and emotional level, just like you do! Bravo :)
Incredibly well done video- a rare mix of skills to clearly convey complex content in a digestible, and entertaining format. Thank you sir- You are a credit to the community of healing, and your work, journey and talents are greatly appreciated.
Cheers Brian
U made living with abusers easier for me, I can never thank you enough!
❤❤❤
Thank you for this channel
Aw man this is too real and relatable for me.
Excellent video, I really love the way you visualize the different concepts.
Thank you creepy floaty baby. Your words of wisdom and smooth graphics will be remembered.