I spent my childhood helping my parrents renovate and clean rental properties, because it was good for me to learn these life skills. When I was 15, I was pulled out of school, and started work in the family shop business. I also used to cook the family meal, at night during the week, because father said it was good for me to learn, because when I got married, I could slip into the wife role easier. After watching this video, my stomached turned, as I realized that handmaid was me! I’ve gone no contact with him for the last 8 years, as I couldn’t stand his revolting rages when things didn’t go his way. My life is so much more peaceful now. These videos from dr Ramani bring me comfort, in understanding what has happened in my family, and has helped me to break the cycle.
"Because it was good for me to learn these life skills" Oh yes, I can relate. I spent the better part of my summers and free time doing housework, practicing the piano (something my mother imposed on me from age 3) and being grounded. Very little time for play or socializing. When my mother punished me, she'd always forbid me to see my friends. For weeks at a time (up to a month sometimes).
I feel you. The manipulation used to make you do 'their' work but for 'your good'. I bet they expected a 'thank you for the opportunity' as well. Probably made you feel that you were ungrateful for the 'opportunity' they are offering you. Hope you have reconnected with yourself and are away from their selfish, ill-intentions.
While I genuinely enjoy cooking and cleaning as part of my femininity, narcissistic parents make it as though you can’t be loved as a woman without doing these things especially in Eastern cultures and this is so damaging because your self esteem is based on productivity and what happens when you are exhausted? Does it mean you don’t deserve to be loved because you have been taught that love is conditional based on what you do?! This is the problem with this so it’s good to learn skills but not for the selfish reasons of the narcissistic family. You are loved for who you are!
Thank you for this. I never identified with the Scapegoat, the Golden Child, or the Forgotten Child. It never quite fit. But this... This is it, this is what I went through. And now that I've taken a step back as an adult, I'm getting so much anger and resentment for "abandoning" them. It feels so much better being on my own.
@@trulyprocrastinated9594 YOU HAVE CHOICES. Go to therapy. Get help. You have only one life! At the end of the day, YOU have to answer how you live your life to YOU.
I definitely needed this video because the Scapegoat, Golden, Invisible never fit me either. I would never have known "helping mum" was wrong had she not scapegoated my dad so badly that I could see she was abusive.
OMG! Just found this channel. You just described me to a T. Alcoholic father that used to wake me up at 3am starting at the age of 9 or 10 to make him breakfast when he got home from drinking and gambling. I mothered and took care of my sisters. At age 13 I watched my niece who was on a heart monitor and would turn blue while my mother worked. My niece thought I was her mother. I had no childhood. No wonder I’m so fu**ed up! As an adult I have gone from relationship to relationship where I take care of people and get very little in return. A year ago I said enough and I have been very alone deciding to do for and focus on me. I’m healing
This was so interesting for me. Thank you. I see now how my stepmother saved us all from thus role, however she also became the enabler, and in doing so, she created that role model for me. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani. ❤
My oldest sister was the Handmaiden, these days she’s back living on the farm with our grandiose narcissist mother. She has recently lost a lot of her hair due to the stress. Meanwhile my Mother is so angry with my oldest sister - my sister keeps strong boundaries with our toxic mother, as best she can - so much so that apparently my mother is vindictively trying to break her business that she runs on the farm. So resentful is my mother that her eldest is not continuing with her handmaiden duties. Thank you for the clear revelation on this, I understand my sister better and my mother’s recent heinous activities.
I was my moms hand maid in every way. At the age of 5 she used to cry on my bed, about how miserable her marriage was( step father) then I wen on in life to believe she was my bet friend. Never realizing how one sided this relationship was. Then during a ruff patch in my life at 59, still with a young child. I moved onto their property. After 6 years here , I’ve come full circle. I have done a lot of hard inner work. Only to realize I meant nothing to my mother unless I was serving her. When I backed away she got mean and aloof. I realized how much rage I had at her. But the good part is that I see the dynamics very clearly. She will always trigger me, catch me off guard. I’m human ! But rest assured I know who she is, and I only give my heart to those who reciprocate and care about me
4:50 "All people are objects to them" These words hurt so much, but now we know, by Dr. Ramani's troth, it is true. In my toxic family, my poor lovely grandparents are the handmaids because my narc mom had an ischemia and, even though she could be completely indipendent, she still makes herself be served in everything from them and treats them as if everything was owned to her. They renounced to live their pension for the love they feel for their daughter despite the way she addresses to them. I take pity on them, they'd deserve the best, they say that I am the joy of their lives and what makes them stand up every day. Now I also understand while all my love stories were so disappointing and ended badly for me, because uncosciously I took that handmaidy road.
Thank you for putting a name to that role, and validating as usual. As you spoke, Dr. Ramani, I could see snippets of my life's movie going by. I made all those mistakes with bf and spouse as well. As a child, I knew there was something wrong with the way we were made to understand that we owed something to our parents, and hence had to serve them to pay for ... for what ? for life ?? So to keep my dad from yelling at us as he came home, we did something nice as we greeted him at the door (a little bit like the fawning response Pete Walker talks about in his book From Surviving to Thriving). I learned to guess my parents' (and later others') needs before they arose, in order to appease the demons, shield from the wrath.
Dr. Ramani, your videos are excelent. I'm a pshysician and psychoanalyst from Argentina. Unfortunatelly education on narsicisism is very poor both in medical school as well as in the psychoanalitical institutes. This is why it is of great help for all of us who have to treat and try to help patients deal with the issues around narcisistic relationships. I'd like it a lot if you could do a video discussing the subject of cognitive disonance. Although you tal about it in some of your videos, specially the one about missing the narcisist, it would be very helpfull if you could adress this topic in particular. Thank you so much for all your authentic and evidently passionate way of transmiting all of the SO important concepts!!!! Dr. Carola Ribero
I was the handmaiden and the scapegoat. I did the laundry for everyone in the entire family, a family of 5. I did all the dishes, I basically raised my sister. My dad got me a job at 14 to help pay the mortgage. On top of all this I was homeschooled for all grades. I believe they did this for control of their kids. They didn’t care about education or anything. It was all about controlling what we believed. When I started to question why I was doing everything and my siblings got to do whatever they enjoyed I was told I was ungrateful and blah blah blah.
I was one, if ever there was something wrong I felt I had failed at my job. But I also was the bottom child,things were blamed on me. I have continued the hand maid role into my marriages .
My parents tried to turn both my sister and I into handmaids but their inner shame meter made them also reject the idea that they were being abusive..we were just complainers, even if we didn't complain. Confusing is the word of the day. We were handmaids, flying monkeys and truth tellers in a mixed up ruin of a life.
Do you have a video about , Dr. Ramani? I think it’s really important when understanding Narcissistic Family “mobbing”. The Roles can change, and so can the Targets.
I think trust in a relationship is overrated. When my husband started getting frequent night calls , i would ask and he would just wave off those calls as unimportant. At a time i could take no more of his lies, i decided i deserve to know what was going on. A friend of mine referred me to this great ethical hacking team( Cyberhackingsage@gmail ) who helped clone his cellphone without having to touch the device. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad i found out all his secrets and infidelity and how he planned on using this pandemic to get back to me. I got access to his Facebook, iMessage, GPS location, WhatsApp, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed App on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. If you need help or that little bit of closure, i advice you get in touch with them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on +15713758467...thank me later.
I'm the oldest sibling...always took care of my sister and brothers...broken wing syndrome. When our Narc decided to shut my life down my siblings let me suffer without help. Yes I was the handmaid. Sux....I hate Narcs.
To anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse or anyone who needs to read this: My wants and needs are just as important as anyone else’s. My feelings are important messages from my body. My feelings matter. I am a valid human being with feelings and needs. I am worth getting to know. I am a lovable person. I am the only person responsible for getting my own needs met. It is not selfish, but responsible, to put my own needs first. Asking for help is a sign of strength. Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are. I am proud to be a deeply feeling person. All human beings make mistakes. What matters is that I learn from mine. I deserve to be cared for. My feelings are walled off, but they are still there, and they are important.
Both the handmaid and the scapegoat. I spent so much time trying to work myself into acceptance and validation. It never worked. My parents truly expected it as my tax for existing. Being the first born daughter in an African home is already exhausting...adding narcissistic parents on top of it is soul crushing to say the least. Glad I'm choosing myself more and more!
A "tax for existing" . . . exactly!! . . . I so relate to this . . . my narc mom acted like it was my duty and that I owed it to her to be the maid, cook, babysitter, etc. etc. . . . glad to be out and happy to see you are too : )
As a young married women I was cleaning up dishes my narc mom was visiting and told my husband while smiling “I made her that way!” Handmade slave housekeeper babysitter jester golden child now no contact and black sheep - last role best role....
Some kids, eg scapegoats, are also forced to be handmaidens - fetching multiple cups of coffee and doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning for large families - being forced into the mother role, even at age 12 or so, so the mother can just do whatever she feels like.
I remember my mom going through a self-help program to deal with her own childhood trauma. She would come home, have an explosion, and collapse on the floor of the hallway, a sobbing mess. I would pull her up and take her to bed, bring her a cup of tea, and tell her everything was going to be okay. I must have been about eleven. In those moments, she would tell me to be grateful I had a good mom like her instead of an abusive one like her own mom. And I would reassure her that she was the best mom, and pet her hair because she required it of me.
Awesome! Keep going and stay strong. It’s all any of us can do. I’m kind of in the same situation here. All we can do is to get out and don’t look back
When my narc parents moved to the other side of the country, they expected me to move with them. When I said no, they then said, “Who’s going to take care of us then?” I said, “You have two other children living in the same US state as you’re moving to. I more than did my part. Now it’s their turn.” My parents then said, “You know your brother and sister aren’t going to do that.” I said, “Too bad. It’s my turn to live my life instead of constantly making personal sacrifices.” Now it’s my narc brother’s wife who’s helping them. He always could never be bothered to help anyone other than himself. This is what my parents get for always enabling his selfish behavior.
Your comment has really caught my eye. I have recently come to the realization that, I've had three generations of narc abuse . My grandmother, my father and now my sister. Once you realize they are all narcs, it's sooo eye opening.
I'm currently a bit caught...My mother is narcissist "light" (now that she's old and contained by me and my dad) my father is an enabler and with poor health as a multiple narcissist abuse survivor aaaaand my older 2 siblings are both narcissist 😢 so I'm living and taking care of my mom and dad (the main care is buffer to my dad from the antagonist personality of my mom) my siblings have far better economic situations than me BUT if I live (with basically nothing and I mean to start from zeeero, that's also related to the narc abuse) my dad won't survive for long at the mercy of them.. It's a catch 22. So I've been in the role of: invisible child the first years, second hand golden child, scapegoat when I was trying to survive a super toxic university, handmaiden now and working very hard to recover dignity and economical independence, also enabler till 2019.
Unfortunately, for some it's a cultural thing for (most of) the oldest daughter to become a second parent, a handmaid and scapegoat for her parents and siblings... it's a sad reality and not so long ago it used to be my reality too...but I'm out of that toxic environment and healing slowly from it..
Amen, ladies. Oldest of 10. Handmaid, fixer, nanny, babysitter, house maid, was expected to contribute financially. Now I don’t even speak to them. It has been the best year of my life!
Yes "the oldest daughter to become a second parent, a handmaid and scapegoat for her parents and siblings" I am French and that is unfortunately true, I left France and I am still shocked how kind and nice other people can be, like I've never experienced at home :(
Oldest of mentally ill mother and father who abandoned us but later was forced to take custody. To this day the family tries to keep me in the role of handmaid. I’m awake now. No more for me.
I was the maid, babysitter (had a baby on my hip since I was 12. I used to say I could change a dirty diaper, make a grilled cheese sandwich for another kid and wipe another baby's snotty nose all at the same time), confidante, cook (the only child of 4 that she taught to cook), errand runner, project doing, emotional trashcan for the shit she didn't want to deal with (i.e. mad at her husband or mother = dump it on her kid) and earmarked to be her retirement . . . she's none too happy now that I'm gone . . . and yes, I married a narc who severely took advantage of this aspect of me
@@waterlily333 Wow, I'm surprised she was so transparent about it. She sounds like a total asshole. Sorry you had to live through that shit. Mine wasn't transparent. She is a covert narc and her "mask" was that she is a martyr and an amazing mom. Like yours, she acted like I owed her these things and that it was "normal". At one point, her mother even pointed out that I was raising her children, which only pissed her off more . . . at ME; not her mother who said it. So twisted.
@@-Mitra- That's horrible. Your mother sounds like a trash-fire dumpster of a human being. And you're right, its such a process to have to grieve and re-parent yourself. I had to grow my own mom inside of me and learn to turn off the critical voice (i.e. her internalized). It's so much more peace inside my mind now. I actually have loving nicknames for myself ; ) Anyhoo, it is very painful especially since they and their enablers will not acknowledge the damage. Best wishes to you : )
God bless you JoJo. I hope you get out of that marriage. I hope you make the time now for your own needs and fulfillment. I hope you find someone who is deserving of you, who will love and cherish you for the nurturing, caring person you are and never take advantage of those qualities.
My mother taught me to cook age 10 doing dinners cleaning house washing.Got married mother tried to sabotage that ,to someone exactly the same surprise ,!,She could not cook etc My plough horse days are over not pleasing anyone again
I try to control my anger when I hear this done to a child and I also get upset when a dog is mistreated. They are both so innocent and they should only be loved.
Firstborn in my very young immediate family, scapegoat for almost everything. Demands grew on me all the time to take care of my parents and brothers, my codependency rose in my interactions. At school, at home, at work, it clouded everything. I started to drive at the insistence of my parents, I became busy all the time with driving my brothers, errands, supporting the family business. Not only that, I was expected to “know things” read minds, and soothe emotions. My mother would say, “where’s my purse,” as if I had placed it somewhere. My father would say, “where’s your brothers?” As if he didn’t have any children. I would be asked to get up and walked across the room to get something so they wouldn’t have to get up. I once saw a child being treated this way in a restaurant and not even allowed to eat her food! I then understood, began attempting to back out of the role, the backlash was enormous and I needed therapy for depression to pull away. Thanks for the video, Dr Ramani, I’ve asked my therapist to watch your channel when it’s too painful to explain.
Wow! I can remember times when my mom wasn't sick but would ask me (firstborn scapegoat with 2 younger bros) to bring her a tissue! I would do it just to make her happy but of course nothing ever makes these creatures happy bcuz they're miserable.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that..I went through a very similar thing, too. Reading your post is like reading a description of my childhood. I hope so much you can heal 🤗
My mother was similar, assigning me the "busy work" that made me feel belittled. Never a word of appreciation. She sometimes told me to get her glasses out of her purse for her, when her purse was hanging from her shoulder! It was the control she got off on.
My dad was a pleasant alcoholic,violent when sober. My mom the narcissistic one. I was the handmaid. It stayed my role till I rebelled @ 40 and retired from being a slave.
I am currently the handmaid in the family. An only child. First scapegoat, then scapegoat housemaid to try and please my parents. I clean for both my parents. Packed lunches. Fixed the house. Go to the store. I realize what they are, but I have to pull the weight of keeping them pleased to have a place to currently stay. I no longer get a thank you since it’s become I habit I do everywhere with everyone. I only get criticism for what I don’t do. I was the only one at all my jobs that cleaned. “Your worth is more than what you do for other people.” Is something that I’ve struggled with in all my relationships, and made me question if there really is unconditional love
RenewalWon I hate when that phrase is used. A child does not owe a parent anything, just because the parent ‘chose’ to have a child and they ‘chose’ to do their moral obligation of taking care of that child. Or at least put food on the table. Its selfish for anyone to think that anyone owes them something
There is unconditional love, and you can have it for yourself. And our creator loves each one of us unconditionally, even narcissists. But Dr. Ramani is right about how you have to stop doing for others and shift your focus to yourself. This is much easier to say than do, but it can be done. Try starting small. Choose one self-care habit that takes only a little time, and make it a daily practice, like a five minute morning meditation. Insist on it no matter what the narcissist says or does in response. Establish this habit, then add another practice, and so on. Yes it will probably be very hard, and it will also be worth it because you are worth it.
Former handmaid....never again! The first thing I did was imagine myself free to be happy. That made me feel better. Then I gave myself permission to stop feeling guilty. Finally I became unavailable, physically and emotionally. I took my power back, you can too! Baby steps.
R.A. Andrews thank you. I really value and appreciate your response. I’m trying to start small like you say, and I only finding myself slipping back on stressful days. It hopefully will get easier.
I was the handmaid & scapegoat for my mother for 45 years. I spent 23 years married to someone who was the male version of my mother. I went no contact with my mother and initiated the divorce with my ex inside of a 24-hour span of time in November of 2018. I still live next door to my mother, but am working towards selling my home and moving as far away from her as possible. I subsisted on hopium and spent decades subjected to her abuse. I was nothing more than a slave to her and her endless selfish demands. My hard-fought freedom was worth what little I lost in losing my family of origin and in losing my marriage. I have gained so much in the way of peace, freedom, and joy and I treasure every bit of it.
I have the opposite problem. More than one person in my family wanted me to move in with them or move next door instead while I am already so glad to have some distance between me and their 2 fathers whom I divorced long ago at long last during separation during a dramatic no win custody dispute in which according to those 2 men I was never going to be good enough for them as mother to their children while punishing me in legal kidnapping plots and in court too after leaving them with our children while doing so because I was trying to protect myself and them from horrific violence and emotional abuse which was starting to become violent again.
The other day my best friend said to someone else "you know how when someone asks you for something, you weigh out in your mind whether it would be convenient for you to do it or not before you give them an answer? Tyler doesn't have that." I believe he was trying to say I'm a kind person, but it made me feel very uncomfortable inside. I think this video describes my exact root of the problem. I was definitely a handmaid for a very long time, and even though I've gone NC with my parents, I still have a lot to learn and heal from. Thank you for this.
"Your worth comes from more than what you do for people" is so powerful, even for people with low self-esteem. Thanks Dr. Ramani for another great video!
This is me! I broke away a few weeks ago when I finally realized I was being used, abused, and manipulated. I am 25 and am finally living for myself and my own happiness. It feels SO GOOD.
Horrible when they get old and they feel you aren’t doing enough for them, they threaten you with being cut out of the will. Hurts when you have always been there for them.
My mom didn't just threaten but did cut me and my 2 sons out of the will. Her favorite my Narcissist sister just like my mom got everything. My Narcissist mom died in March. I have peace now. Both are gone.
We watched our next door neighbor, a lovely woman and an only child, work herself into an early grave running and fetching for her demanding elderly parents while neglecting her own health, ignoring signs of heart problems. Anytime she told them she didn't feel well and needed to go see a doctor they would say, "who's going to take care of us?" Guilt trip every time. Died at 61 of heart failure, a tragic unnecessary loss.
"healthy people will show gratitude when you do for them, but they will not expect it as a matter of course" (8:50). I feel sad when I think of all the people I have felt compelled to please/ meet their requests of me, not believing it was okay to say 'no', and then having them just want more of me, instead of truly expressing gratitude for what I had given! this pattern kept me feeling so small, chasing crumbs of acceptance, trying anxiously to avoid disapproval, seeking to earn love and worthiness, working so hard and giving so much of myself, while they gave so little of themselves to me! this video really gave me insight into why I would get into frantic house-cleaning when I stayed in the home of my narc - it was a way to channel the nervous energy I felt into getting concrete tasks done, which helped me feel a sense of control in what felt like an out-of-control experience. I couldn't articulate this at the time, because on the surface nothing was 'wrong', but energetically I was feeling highly triggered and didn't know how to process what I was feeling, except to channel my nervous energy into endless activity that I couldn't stop.
I understand you and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are healing and feeling worthy regardless of what you do or don't do for others. Sending Love & appreciation your way🌸
I was the one...the handmaid (Over-responsible) person in my family of origin. So I ended up marrying a full blown narcissist as a result. Doing things in every way to keep the rages away; it worked when I was present in the household. I often say I had no childhood, always being responsible and making sure my brothers were taking care of on a daily basis. I stayed exhausted; and then I married a narcissistic woman with a narcissistic mother. My role never changed. I got lost for a long time. I do this at work, as well. I did not know this at all. I thought this was normal. I’m finding out that I was making up for other people’s lack. I finally learned to stop the hard way. I gave too much and got too little back. My experience matches what was described herein to the “Tee.”. When I established boundaries finally; everyone pushed back hard, especially the narcissist. I learned the hard way, but I’m okay. Took a while, because I got lost by enmeshed in a toxic relationship. Thanks Dr. Ramani for shedding the light in what I finally figured out.👍🏾
I was the handmaid child. 2nd born of 5 children. 1st girl born. Became 2nd Mom to all my siblings except my oldest brother. Therefore, I was the handmaid to my mother & younger siblings. That conditioning continued into marriage. Dad passed in '97. Mom passed in 2016. She lived with me the last 4 years of her life. When she transitioned, I didn't know what to do with myself for 2 years. One day, I heard one of your messages & discovered it was finally time to take care of myself. It took 2 years to adjust to that new concept. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. At 1st I grieved a sense of a life lost to servitude; however, at 60 I'm grateful for each day of life, health, & precious authentic friends. (No more sibling caretaking either!) Thank you for your excellent contribution to promoting good mental & emotional health.
@@beccapears7573 Dear Becca. Unfortunelately there is only one solution: run as fast as you can and go no contact. They never change. If you stay the abuse will continue. I moved away and went no contact when I was 47 years old. Now I am 64 years old and to this day I cherish the decision to go no contact. Life has been peacefull since I left. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace. Life can be good even though you are without family.
I was gaslighted about calling myself “Cinderella”. The gaslighting joke still comes up once and a while. A divorced mother shouldn’t make her children clean up after her and her live-in or remarried supply. Everybody should do their part in this situation. I’m definitely considered a handmaid by the narcissists and gaslighted if I complain. I’m gaslighted continually.
This sounds a lot like me. I carried it into adulthood and now that all the narcs are out of my life I'm struggling. I don't know how to act. I don't know any other way. But I like to make art so I'm focusing on that :)
You're supposed to find healthy people now. The problem is the globe is over run with demonic possession, oops I mean "personality disorders". (Wink to satan)
I was an emotional handmade. My narc dad turned me into his personal counselor. When I was 7 years old I had to sit and listen to his problems with women, relationships, and sex. And I had to respond and agree; I was not allowed to just sit passively and listen. It was awful. I've never really gotten past it.
My mother did this. A therapist explained it is actually a form of abuse called 'emotional (or covert) incest'. I felt totally sick to realise this was true, but working through it has been vital in my recovery
People that used to come visit my home when I was a child used to be amazed that an 8 year old could cook a whole meal, lol- I made a full course lunch for my dad everyday for years because my mom worked . My sister who is 10 years younger now talks about dad always making her the best lunches when she was small, I’m like what?? Completely different treatment. I was cook, cleaner and babysitter my whole life. Now taking care of my aging mother, brother and sister no where to be found. Roles go on forever.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I feel like a missing puzzle piece has finally fallen into place. After reading the comments I think my situation is somewhat unique. I was the youngest in my family by six years. As a child I wasn't really expected to do much housework, but I had to take care of my mother's every emotional need. It would take a half hour for her to drive me to school and a half hour to drive me back, and during that time she would complain to me. She had such a difficult childhood with an alcoholic father, she was having troubles with her marriage and her children etc. I tried to complain about the bullying I was going through. I had no idea how to self care, and other children noticed and bullied me about it. But my mother would just talk over me, telling me about her own personal instances of being bullied, hers being the worse so I had nothing to complain about. So think about it, an hour of parentification a day, five days a week, nine months of the year from age eight to seventeen. That is not even counting the care I had to give before and after school and on the weekends. When I was ten my sister had a near fatal accident which left her in intensive care. I had to nurse my mother through that. When I was twelve my grandfather died of a heart attack in the presence of myself, my mother and my grandmother. I wrapped my arms around my mother and told her I was there for her. No one did that for me. When I was fifteen my father spent a week in intensive care due to heart failure from the medication he was on. Mum needed so much extra support. And when my second grandfather was slowly dying of kidney failure when I was fifteen I listened to how she was suffering in having to deal with such difficulties. When I was seeing my doctor regularly for depression, she came into the office and spent the whole time talking to him about her problems. No one ever asked me how I was feeling. When I was thirteen and my sister had her first child my mother would babysit while my sister went to work. I had to do most of the caring while my mother got paid. She complained to everyone that I never helped. It was the same for the next few babies. Mum would offer to babysit, get all the money and accolades whilst I did most of the work, all the while everyone was telling me how lazy and selfish I was for not helping enough. People would get angry at me for not helping my mother enough, but she never told me what I had to do, or how to do it. I was supposed to mind read. Thankfully I left home at nineteen and never went back. My siblings are still angry at me for being the perceived golden child. I suppose my mother might have spoken well of me, just never to my face. I think I was the first to have woken up to her, which made me think I was the invisible child, but this makes so much sense. This has been so painful to write and I haven't really told anyone until now. Again thank you.
This brought back so many sad memories but I promised myself that I will NEVER shed another tear for what my family put me through. It is hard but I am more than determined to pull this off. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani. You have helped me to understand my life better, set boundaries and stand by those boundaries without an iota of guilt. God bless you
Mystery Rosebud, I am so sorry. It is time to CHOOSE you. They will never change. Their “love” is fake and only beneficial to them. It will take time but you will eventually get better. Happy healing
The joy of being an only child with an alcoholic narc mother for 18 years- I cycled thorough every role there was. Those 3 were most of the time though. I thought for a while that meant she actually saw me as a whole person. I've got over that illusion now!
In my case I didn’t take care of mom to “get attention” or “get approval”, I did it solely to keep her from having meltdowns. I’d do anything and everything in the hopes that the outbursts and rage would be quelled before they got started.
4 роки тому+4
That's how my mother controls the whole family. Not just her children but both sides of the family. People who would do nothing for their own family drop everything to cater to my mother's wimpers. I wish I knew how she does it. She is a Uber Karen.
Timing of this video is perfect; I’ve been taking care of my narcissistic father with Alzheimer’s for the past three years, but tomorrow we’ll start an evaluation period, where professional caregivers come to his home to evaluate his future care needs. It looks like he’s starting to need more daily care and I’m not willing to provide it anymore. Reading from other comments, there seems to be a clear pattern: my father, too, gets jealous, if I 've had e.g. out-of-town visitors (once or twice a year is too much for him, imagine). On those days he needs my help non-stop. My father is a benign narcissist, but my mother was a way tougher case (narcissist) and if she lived (died 20 years ago out of rage), I would’ve refused to help her. I am the middle child of three and the only girl. I was the golden handmaid; the girl with straight A’s, who took care of everyone. Later, as an adult, where ever I worked, I was sniffed out by narcissists, who made me their handmaids. I was not blind to this pattern, but when I escaped to a new work place, I only ended up in a new cave of new beasts. Finally, I quit and chose a second career where I could work home, alone. Partner candidates also sniffed out my handmaidism and since I was not able to cut this cycle, I eventually chose to live alone. All along I’ve seen clearly my role as a handmaid and at times I’ve even been very assertive in my fight against it (to a point that I sued one of my employers and won). Despite this reflection and clarity, I still keep finding myself in these situations. I’m almost 60 and still waiting for my life to begin.
Ughh 🥵 I’ve been a handmaid in my family But I didn’t had a choice They made me do it,I couldn’t say no because they will abuse me So,I did it because i was afraid No one was on my side 😞
My Mom tried to get me to be her asst. and handmsid to her and my brothers but I rebelled and refused and just decided to take care of myself, although I would help her in the kitchen with dishes until we got a dishwasher.
I would be hit if I refused. She was a strict ' dissaplinarian' . I even had to be my parents interpreter at the age of 5. It wasn't an occasional role but my only purpose to be their mouth piece and clean, cook and listen to all the emotional trash she told me about her life. While I was doing all the work she was nowhere to be seen. Basically, I was invisible until needed. I decided at 16 to leave home, get a job and finished my studies in the evenings. I grieve my childhood now in my 50s. The violence keeps us unpaid slaves.
@@stealthwarrior5768 I was in a similar situation. You are strong. Remember that & love yourself. Every day choose small pleasures for yourself. A five minute walk just to look at what is going on outside, noticing the shapes of clouds, the way trees move in the wind. A cup of coffee. A magazine. Think-"this is for me".
i am totally the handmaid....i live alone with my father... it's like i am taking care of a giant toddler i am now 20 i literally smell from miles away what needs to be done in order to keep my dad pleased i feel so depressed lately he totally keeps me dependent on him etc etc buy guilt tripping etc keeping me little now i dropped art college bc he wanted to start his own business and so i can help i am so exhausted he even is jealous of my friends like when i want to go over to my friends house he gets jealous and guilt trips me for not being there for him that's only like one percent of it all i don't know how to stop this i live his life not mine i need to find a way to get out of this...and your videos help me a lot anyways...thank you your videos are so helpful in my situation it's like finally someone is there who knows my situation whoever reads this...i send love and healing your way. This too shall pass and we can get our life back❤️
Please keep taking steps-even if it is as quiet as having new thoughts about how your own life is important, separately from him-to move out and away from this cage-like situation. This channel is really helpful and there are other channels that help with thinking through the steps it takes, like earning and saving money so you can afford to move out. If you have good friends maybe split rent somewhere. Please find some mental and physical space daily or often where you can feel safe and breath and rest emotionally so you can be with the one person who needs your love and care most: you! Step by step, thought by thought, you can get free. Thanks for the blessings and love - some coming your way too ❤️
There are some free phone numbers you can call. You can find them on the net. I never tried, however. They might help you, talk to you... Please try! Do not become discouraged when it will not work! You need your own life, not live your father's. Stay well! 💐
I totally relate to the jealous of your friends thing. My mother was extremelyyyyy jealous and only wanted me to be with her. She would try to guilt me saying I needed to spend time with my "real" family. However, she even isolated us (me and my sister) from all our family - on every side of it. What she meant was I had to stay around her but she was abusive so I didn't want to. For some reason, she could not pair that her screaming rages left me hiding in my room or trying to go to a friends. It was never her fault, but rather, she would blame me saying I was selfish. So, crazy . . . and so freeing to not be in that anymore. There is a saying around narc families that I so appreciate. It's to ask yourself, "If I wasn't related to them would I hang around them. If the answer is no, act accordingly."
I cannot thank you enough when you said it was never your job. I truly cried because you were so right it’s frightening to be the handmaid. It continues in every other relationship if you don’t stop it.
My father is an alcoholic but I don't ever remember taking care of him. It was my narc mother who made me feel like a handmaid. It was always about her.
I’d love to share my story with Ramini about my girlfriend’s and I’s lives and how we just recently escaped from her narc family after many years, but theres not enough space here. Basically they were so toxic and so destabilizing that theres hardly a video that you produce that doesn’t apply to our situation in some way.
It's taking over the world and it has nothing to do with psychology. Hope you will figure it out before you are forced to get a tracking device that is also used for a worldwide digital monetary system.
Jessica Peebles I’ll use this reply as sort of a reply to all. My story is like way too long lol. Basically I now live alone with my fiancé and life is getting back on track. While we’re learning how to disengage from her family, which has been easier now that we’re in Oklahoma and they’re in Florida, we’re building a retail business together and moving on. I was raised with several narcissistic people in my family and met many more in the work force. I’ve spent the past 5 years studying psychology, cult dynamics, Spiral Dynamics, healthy finances, and we eat very healthy together. We learned many lessons traveling with Molly’s family and we settled on never sharing our space with other people for a long time so we can keep educating ourselves and living a far less stressful life!
Fairy tales were the pre psychology teachings of interpersonal dynamics and mental illnesses. In this case, we have the Cinderella is the handmaiden child ..
I could never get into that show! I tried several times & heard it was good. I think it reminds me of my less than functional family!! I didn’t see it til just now. Ugh 😑 Thanks
@@kellyparrish5455 + Chef Maximus YES!! Everything & everyone depended on her! But I'd love to know what you guys think of this; in a weird way? They were actually functional in their dysfunction,. I feel like they were. After the first few episodes I got hooked on it ( it took a bit it was so bizarre) but after a while I felt like; It seems these kids are actually functioning! I mean yeah in a weird, unlawful, crazy way,. But Fiona seemed to have set an "all for one & one for all" sort of paradigm,. Whatever they did as crazy as it was rarely seemed strictly selfish,. It was in the context of doing for them all as a family,. Also whenever one of them got in trouble the rest of them were like called to like a; drop everything "minute man" type of duty to save or help the sibling in trouble,. So in a weird way isn't that (admittedly)strangely "functional"?
Thank you so much!! Since I subscribed your channel, I could figured out that my boyfriend is a narcissist.. you saved me! You really deserve more subscribers 🌸thank you so much I really appreciate all your videos ☺️🌸
I was a combo scapegoat/handmaid. I was a scapegoat whenever I dared to express a rational thought, or dared to deviate one iota from my parent's plans for me -- like take another course in chemistry instead of physics (the horror!). I became a handmaid to placate my mother when her rage reached the point where I thought she might maim or kill me. I retreated to a handmaid role for self-preservation. I accepted the scapegoat role when I desperately needed to preserve my own sanity.
I used to refer to myself as the family slave. I am still the goto for everyone. My mother is the narc and she acts like a pimp sometimes. She always volunteers me to do things for everyone else without my knowing. They show up for me to do whatever it is and I have to perform to escape the retaliation I will suffer later. When it comes to the fun family activities I'm never included. I'm almost 50 years old and I just woke up. I'm fighting the guilt of walking away right now because of their age, although my mother has exaggerated her illnesses for as long as I can remember. She has been on the verge of death since I was four. I noticed one day, that I had never lived. I have only waited to die. All because it made her unhappy for me to date, go away to college, travel, get married, etc. You're right, sacrifice doesn't matter I'm still to blame because of proximity. I never imagined it would be this hard to care for myself. In my day to day, my mother is the priority, and if I get around to it, then me. I want to cry but I have no more tears left, besides I hate the fake sympathy when she sees that I'm depressed. She gets major satisfaction from it. I know that the only way to be free from it is to leave. To be honest I have no idea what is stopping me. I can literally feel myself pull back when I start succeeding at something. I tried to search my memories for a moment to draw from when I had some joy. I don't have any. I have no happy memories with my family and the few joyful moments with friends was always stolen or filled with fear that I was celebrating too openly. The saddest thing about it is that even after she passes away, I know that I will not have a family. The only relatives that saw it were all older and gone now. No one else knows. They all send her letters and cards about how much they admire her. It is so confusing and at times overwhelming. Prison is the only way to describe it. I know the bars are invisible and I can walk straight through them, so then why don't I?
I want you to know that I feel your pain at the loss of life and can relate to much of it. I didn't understand what was wrong with my dysfunctional mostly narcissistic family until I left my home in NM and moved to FL soon after my Dad passed away. Then it hit me like a Mack truck when my Mom reverted to abusing me the way she did when I was a kid in her house. Then I found out about narcissism and it blew my mind in a great way. Not that I didn't go thru major grieving like you would when someone close to you dies, but the daily epiphanies were just flabbergasting and also enthralling. Don't delay. Paint yourself a brighter day and know that there is a better way. You can learn to love yourself, forgive them for they knew not what they did or they do but Can't help themselves. You can help yourself and create a great life for yourself. Trust me, if I can do it so can you. I'm 61 so it's never too late. Don't wait. Love yourself. You deserve to Live your own life. Claim it and get out!!!
Tell your family members that there is now a fee for your time and for your services. Also that they have to confirm with you in advance if you are supposed to help them because your mother is scheduling your time without your knowledge or permission. Call them to help YOU with something and see what happens. That might make you angry enough to start setting boundaries. Good God.
PS Have you seen The Shawshank Redemption?? I think that you could benefit from watching that movie very closely. Like about 5 times. Maybe more. And get a therapist, (be careful in your choice, there are nutjob therapists out there,) and do some energy work, stat. You are being murdered slowly but surely, and no one is going to save you but yourself. When you have rhe least strength is often when you find the wisdom to ask God for help.. And mean it. But you must ask. Good Luck.
Poor you hon, you are beautiful and much much stronger without her. You're also a very good person. She went in to take advantage of it all, you'll break free, hope you meet someone nice!
I feel like everytime I leave, I have this overwhelming guilt followed by hours and hours of crying and feeling lost. So I run back to mum again. I've never had a video that explained my life so accurately before. It made me cry, in a positive way. Stopping the behaviours is so difficult, because I feel like my life revolves around it. I feel lost, empty and suicidal without them
As a labour saving device, I didn't decide to help the parents but was ordered to. Since they were also heavy into law and order, enamoured of the military organization and communication style, I was also kid cop, in charge of bossing the siblings to keep everyone out of trouble whenever the parents went out -- beginning at age 9. As a result of the kid cop role, I was unpopular with other kids. The parents also held me up as an example verbally to the other kids, so I was also technically the golden child. This is all very confusing now as I try to unravel it all and claim my own prerogative. Feelings were not valid, play was not valid, and I was an invisible child when it came time for feelings. So thank you very much for the clarity with which you explain these concepts. It is helping.
I can relate with you totally to this day I don’t have a relationship with my brother or my sister They have held me responsible for raising them..They can’t see I was made to do it...So Sad 😢 for both of us..I’m 55 and just now really waking up to all of this I have no idea how to care for myself!! To boot I’m in a relationship where my needs feelings and cares are still not met!! Unless I do everything even disabled!! When does it end is all I want to know..I wish we could get a group together to heal together!! Take Care 🤗 I’m sending you a big hug 🤗Sheila
Narc parents LOVE to triangulate and set siblings against each other. They didn't care that you needed parenting just like all of your siblings or that they were damaging the bonds that should exist between all of you. Wishing you healing, light and love!
@@Sheywh12 All I can tell you is that I have been cruising UA-cam for uplifting videos, Law of Attraction, and there are many coaches. I started with one and found others and shifted as my interest in different styles evolved. After a few weeks of one coach, I would listen to another, then prefer another, and so on. They don't all talk about Narcissism. Some names to check out to see which ones you like: Dr. Les Carter, Meredith Miller, Jake Ducey, Victor Oddo, Aaron Doughty, and of course, Esther Hicks (Abraham) who wrote the book: Ask and it is given. Be well.
Sadly, when I was married for almost 20 years my husband felt responsible for his mother and siblings and felt guilty for marrying me and leaving them because the father had left the mother......sadly after we separated he decided he needed to take care of his mom and siblings again and stopped working on our marriage. Now divorced.......there is this never ending feeling of guilt , fixing things.....
Thank you for sharing that. It's a wake-up call for anyone attracted to a caregiver type who just can't cut the cord to their needy intentionally incompetent family. Run the other way because their screwed up family will always take precedence over the relationship. Nothing worse than a person who cannot set reasonable priorities.
Very accurate explaination\good video:). I have a mother who has a serious hoarding problem in her home. When i refused to clean her house by myself, she just stopped speaking to me completely. Just one example of many.
I actually unsubscribed for about 6 weeks so that I could heal from my leaving my narcissistic mother by reducing how much time I was spending watching videos about narcissists and ruminating about the relationship. Now that I am feeling so much better, I resubscribed because you are so fascinating to listen to. I know you are talking to the camera but your videos have become good company for me because it often feels like you understand what I am going through more than anyone else in my life right now. Thank you for the videos.
Don't feel bad, my mentally ill narcissitic family is all I have left becuz I never married or had children. All I have is a dog. I thank God for her daily and am still hopeful of finding a loving hubby.
They do hate you. They hate that they need you more than you need them, so they'll work to convince you of the opposite. Don't believe it. You can break free.
@@nunyabidness4946 I love you, too!💖 I completely agree with you! May we continue to be the loving individuals we are and maybe, someday, that will spread as fast as this virus did. And may we learn to completely love the child within us that may have not gotten the love and care they deserved growing up. Much love and healing to all.
Thank you Dr Ramani. There are many videos on narcissists but no one is as clear a communicator as you. You are simply quite amazing. Not many people like you.
I have always found reading The Handmaid’s Tale very painful but it took a long time to understand the sense of suffocation it brought. I was made responsible for my mother from tiny ‘look after your mother’ being my job for as long back as I can remember. I was handmaid and scapegoat. My earliest memory is aged three having to smile through an injection to avoid frightening my little sister and making her cry because ‘that would upset your mother’. I was always the ‘helper’, parentified to protect my father from my mother too. They moved continents when I was 19 and this partially saved me, but it’s only in the last decade that I have stopped reacting to their demands in their crisis (always at my time and expense which was never insignificant given the distance and travel needed). I have only recently woken up to the absolute truth of my mother’s covert narcissism, having been maliciously attacked by her throughout every major life crisis of my own, but during the last major crisis five years ago I finally saw the truth and am now free. It’s painful but so worth it to just walk away!
I am wondering about the connection to image and narcissists. Narcissists I have met are obsessed with exercise, plastic surgery, beauty, and may even have eating disorders to control their image. I mean, this makes sense, but I would like more information about the red flags. Is this a trend?
Yes and if you give them a reality check on their ageing looks because you're sick of hearing how they missed their chance on Broadway it might to the narc injury that breaks the narc's mirror! Covert mom hasn't seen the golden child gone copper in 50 months nor the other 2. She's waiting for a place out of detox to go onto long term care later, if I never see her again it would be too soon.
Thé narcs are superficiel and dumb so they do not care about the intellectuel world nor about what is inside. Also the narcs think that if they fix the outside and they are wanted in society then the inside is ok. Or because they do not want to fix their inside and aknowledge any responsibility or fault or change they try to only fix the outside. They are surely deranged individuals
I was obsessed with my weight but my Narc Dad told me I was getting fat at 17 when I was 5’4” and 108lbs. I think for me the obsession was about control. I had to be a mini mom and handle adult responsibilities from age 6 on. I had no choices.
Wow, this was a really important piece of the puzzle for me. As an only child, I've been every role at some point and idealized an "out" by participating in the roles. And the "hand-maiden" is exactly who I needed to be for my parents. My parents are hoarders and have never incorporated cleaning into their routine. This translated into me, constantly trying to clean for them, then to try to declutter everything to even be able to have space to have friends over, to becoming a complete hand-maiden perfectionist where it was a constant uphill battle to fight against the "hoard" just to even have space to cook or do anything. (On that note, I would really love if you can see the correlation between hoarding and narcissism, because I've been noticing a huge correlation). Then, my struggle with trying to clean broke my body, mind. I got to the point where I realized my entire life has been halted and stunted by constantly trying to take care of my parent's stuff. Metaphorically and literally. And when I was finally moving out, I had no help. In fact, my parents wanted to keep me cleaning up after them. My dad still tries to incentivize me to come back and clean for them. So, I really feel that pull to take care of my parents in that way, and feel so much guilt and shame for ever having lived that way, and for abandoning them to be swallowed by their own clutter. And then, I come home to see my room consumed as well. It really just shakes me to my core how much I have given of myself and how little I have been seen, validated, or given relief in return. I AM doing better though. But I really would love to hear your opinion about hoarding and if you can also see a connection to narcissism. Thank you, your videos get me through extremely confusing/conflicting instincts.
I’m hearing my life explained. I escaped for only 3 years. Then with death of my father my mother just moved into my house and never left until her health forced her to leave my hone when I was in my 50’s. I never understood, I was still always not enough. It has impacted my other relationships. Last FT job I had an extremely abusive boss. So much like my mother.
I'm so sorry that so much of your energy was taken up with these people...I hope you find some of the wonderful, warm safe people as friends and "chosen family." It takes some searching sometimes, but they are out there!
Thank you so so much Dr. Ramani for helping me through one of the toughest times in my life. My mother is a covert narcissist and had been all my life but I grew up in a culture that basically told me to worship my mother which made for the fine excuse of dismissing her toxic behavior. It only took me having my own daughter in February and the pandemic for me to start to separate myself from her toxic web. Your videos have been my sanity in all of it. When I'm about to cave to make a phone call to her "just to talk" I watch your videos and remember all the times I just "talked" to my mother thinking I could open to her, but only to have my hopes, dreams, and aspirations crushed by her toxic behavior. Thank you for helping me heal and helping recognize the toxic cycle so that I can break it and be a better mother to my daughter.
Definitely was the hand maid for my narc mother. I remember asking her when I was young, if she had kids so that she’d have cheap labour. ( I guess I always knew the reality) When I finally backed off years later, and stuck to a boundary, she informed me that I would be nothing if not for all her sacrifices and that she owned me and I owed her. On the rare occasion that I waffle on my decision to go “NO Contact” and think about calling her, all I have to do is remember her last visit. Hell NO!
This is my mother in law. Her father abandoned the family, her mother worked her fingers to the bone, and she, as the oldest daughter, was left to cook, clean, and take care of her siblings, including her sister with cerebral palsy. She’s STILL exhausted from it and she’s in her 70s!
Bitchen Boutique, She sounds like a very responsible person, but there can come a time when the fatigue is too great to keep it up, and then maybe you need to see if someone can help you.
That's interesting. Still exhausted from it. What do you mean by that? I'm interested because I'm wondering if that feeling is the feeling that I've been feeling for the past few years. Still exhausted from the suffering I went through in my childhood and teens
Ms. Beerus I am also still exhausted and I am 53. I was raised my brother who was born when I was 8 and took the responsibility for my sister who was 2 years younger than me. The word took is not the right one, my mother gave that responsibility to me. After years I married another narc, my ex. He get also sick after our marriage and for 3 years he spend the most time in bed. And guess what, he didn’t want to go to the doctor. I was working and doing everything in the house. I realised that in both cases they left all the responsibilities and all the work to me. I am tired all the time, I can’t work for 8 hours. And guess again, nobody is helping me. I am thinking that all the doing all these years was too much, my battery got empty
@@fluffypinkglitterwingz8082 The reason you COULD be exhausted is because you an empath/HSP (HIghly Sensitive Person) . They take on the energy of the narc and become an energetic sponge for toxic people. Check it out on UA-cam. I had the same problem, and had to go to somebody who specialized in getting rid of energy that wasn't mine.
Black Weirdo saying that it takes two to tango to a victim of narcissistic abuse, or any abuse, is pretty inconsiderate of you. Only a narcissist who victim blames would say that it takes two to tango in this situation. Even if you once were held back by a narcissist and managed to break free, you should understand others who still are in the position you once were and should know how long it takes to realize the farce the narcissist has set up to play you. You have no right to be coming to this thread talking like that
Alpha Notmale, no one here has blamed any victims of narcissistic abuse. Adults can be taught to uphold adult standards. The lesson that "it takes two to tango" is true in many cases and it demonstrates how victims of narcissistic abuse (not including children) sometimes enable the abuse by choosing to stay in a toxic relationship. Teaching (adult) victims of narcissistic abuse that they have options other than remaining is not something a narcissist would do. And even Dr. Ramani said in this video that handmaids can get their sense of identity and doing good for others by being handmaids. Don't dismiss male perspectives and interpretations. Men understand phrases like "It takes two to tango". Then again, men are blamed and shamed for being the victim of anything. You might wanna check your privilege. This is not a women-only space. And I don't see you telling off other comments saying how glad they were to get out of the situation of being a handmaid. Those women knew there would be no tango left for the narcissist they left behind, breaking the cycle of the abuse they received.
Daniel Kaiser Wow! You’re really good at gaslighting, aren’t you? Look at you! Way to take the truths that Dr. Ramani said and pull them out of context to twist them and throw them back at me and all the other eight people that agreed with the reality I pointed out! And as if that’s not enough, you pull the reversed gender card as if anybody had said anything about gender, or as if narcissism or “two to tango” had anything to do with gender!!! So let me ask you something: If you have been a victim of narcissism yourself, Why are you so adamantly defending that person’s “two to tango” invalidating comment? As a victim of narcissism you surely are forgetting that narcissists hijack you mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even financially, and unless you do snap out of that hijacking, your power of decision as a victim is always under the control of the narcissist/abuser regardless of your age or gender! Tell a person whose finances are cut by the narcissist that it takes two to tango, and let me know how that person takes it. Say that it takes two to tango to a person from whom the narcissist just took the house keys to keep them imprisoned, and let me know how that goes (be it a parent, a caregiver, or a spouse). It gives the impression that if you truly are a victim of narcissistic abuse, chances are you have acquired pretty hefty “narcissistic fleas” from your narcissist, OR you are a narcissist yourself, because you do realize that narcissists can be victims of other narcissists, right? Oh and one last thing, don’t bother replying, because I have disabled the notifications to your future replies so I won’t have to waste my time with your narcissist enabling comments
I feel like I'm an adult handmaid now; but as a child I always tried to stay the invisible kid. What happened? My narcissistic dad let the weight and drinking (which were already bad when I was a kid, but not unmanageable) get out of control. Today he is nearing 600lbs and drinks every night. He can't walk upstairs without help, and he needs constant medical attention at home. He doesn't get plastered when he drinks or anything, but he can be incredibly demanding, and if you are asked to do something and you say no/do it wrong... expect some sort of argument, whining, or retaliation. I feel like I can't just let him suffer.... he's my dad! But I also feel like growing up, he never cared about me or my emotional needs; and now that I'm 25, still living at home, Unemployed, and dealing with my own drinking/body issues, he feels he has complete control over me. I have become the butler, out of fear that that is all I'm good at, and if I try to be anything else I'll end up alone and worthless.
You’re still so young! Get out now otherwise the next five years will go by like that and you’ll be even more depressed when you’re 30 in the same situation. My brother is still living with my alcoholic father, he’s 32 and each year it gets harder to leave. He has given up at this point and very depressed but I’ve told him for many years to get out, go to school or get a job. His reasoning was always “why work a poorly paid job and spend all the income on bus fare” Come on! It’s your life!! Get OSAP! (govt $ for college) Do something you love! The fact you are aware of this at 25 is a really good sign. And yes when you start becoming successful he won’t be happy. As I became more secure and happy (ended an unhappy engagement, sold my house, quit my job of ten years, moved etc) my parents became enraged. It became a meter reader of sorts. Get your own place, get a cat, job a plant to water. All we need are the simple things in life. These people make everything super complicated. Good Luck my friend!!
I'm going with Fern's idea, he needs professional medical care. Social services would be able to answer your questions. He may benefit from an assisted living center, for example. You can't help him the way he needs, and you need to focus on your life. The living situation doesn't sound God for either of you, and he will be better off with people who are trained to help him. Best wishes.
You. Are. Worthy. Get on antidepressants, find a therapist and get out of that house. Call social services and let them help him. You are NOT DOOMED, but you have got to take action and get out. Love you, dear.
Wow! That is my husband! I was the invisible child and he was the hand maden child. We ran away together and created our own life! This information you present is so helpful! Thank you!💖
I was to take care of my blind grandmother when I was 6. I was also made to cook , and clean for my parents and my older brother, and when I wouldn't or didn't do what was expected I was the scapegoat
I hope your life is better now and that you are out of that environment. I'm hoping that you are taking care of yourself these days, but you know what else? I think you might benefit from doing things these days that you didn't get to do as a child. Just whenever you get a chance and it feels right. Literally anything you think is fun and it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. Maybe, color in a coloring book or paint a simple picture. See if you can get a friend or two to join you. Maybe take a field trip to a local museum, or nature park, or amusement park, or music or art festival, again with friends. Take a fun course at a vocational school with a friend if it's not too expensive. Join local clubs. Learn a new hobby. Play a couple pranks on people for laughs. Anything at all that might bring a smile to your face and create golden memories, that you might have also enjoyed as a child. You have an inner child who needs your love and protection, and caring for your inner child's needs can be beneficial for you as an adult. Except you get to do it the right way as an adult, mothering and fathering yourself the way you needed as a child. May you find warmth and peace and healing in your life.
No. That would have implied in some way, the parents were less than or incapable. In fact, anyone trying to do something for them, was lashed out at. How dare anyone think, they were needed!
I grew up the scapegoat- constantly reminded that I wasn't wanted. They only wanted 4 and then I came along. Compared to my Golden child sister, I was never enough or good enough, no matter what I achieved. After my dad died, I became my mom's handmaid. After being a single parent for 13 years, I married my narcissistic husband at the age of 45. Everything came to a head on 21st December 2017 when I stood up to my abusive husband, who gave me an ultimatum to go onto meds because I didn't like the fact that he kicked me or he would leave me at home for my much needed Christmas holidays in Cape Town. Less than an hour after I phoned to tell my mom that I couldn't go because my marriage was in such a crisis, providing details, she climbed into his car and drove with him to Cape Town. They got home on 29th December and were both horrified to hear that I wanted a divorce. That's when the smear campaign began...
Now 65 I am completely alone in the world. I am sitting in the wrecked caravan that is my home and I am finally not even tempted to try and win people over. No one to use me as a football then say I am "too sensitive". No one to undermine me and steal from me. I finally learned to "stick my fingers in my ears", and just be myself. I finally get the childhood I was denied. I am myself, and it feels good. My biggest fear was ending up alone and now it is all I want. I am finally not tolerating bullies any more.
Yep, I realize I was a handmaid to my mother, too. I was cleaning up after my two messy brothers, because she wasn't able to control them and make them clean up their own mess. I didn't want to do it, but she whined and somehow made me, always stating "I can't, I can't". Poor you... But she also had a lof of help from other family members during the tough times after my father died. Some days ago we talked about some troube I used to have at a former job (another narcissist got hold of me there) and she said, she didn't know how much I can take, she used to call me overly sensitive. At the same moment she called herself a very resilient person. That triggered me and I told her, that I didn't think so which how much she burdened on me and on everyone else and that she didn't support me emotionally at all. This was not the first time I told her, but she only would deflect and cry and wallow in self pity about how tough she had it, blabla. This time she only said "acknowledged". I guess I made some progress?
I was a handmaid without knowing. My parents bossed everybody around. But when my little sister and my sisters in law started to boss me around than I realised. I thought I was just helpful and and expected a thank you. Then I realized that not only was I taken for granted but they also prevented my brothers from helping me. And they didn't need much discouragement to begin with. So we are not helping each other I am the handmaid. I went no contact when understood what was going on. It still hurts
Before I watched this video, I had this memory yesterday. When I was 8, my parents went on a weekend canoeing trip. They left me with my 5 year old sister and 1 year old sister. I was so proud of myself for taking care of the household while they were gone (and frankly it was more peaceful without them there.) But my 8 year old friends came over to play and at one point locked me out of my house as a joke. I still remember that feeling of utter powerless, rage, and anxiety that my 8 year old friends would put my younger sisters in danger like that. They let me back in. All was well. I am super responsible and took care of everything. At the age of 47, for the first time, instead of pride, I thought, wow! what parent leaves an 8 year old alone with two younger kids for the weekend?
My father called me "the red headed stepchild" or Cinderella. I was mowing the grass, push mower in 6thgrade and dusted and cleaned every week end with my father watching and my mother reading the paper. The golden child was in her room reading Nancy drew. I ran away at 17 into eventually at 21 did 23 years hard time on my covert narcs hobby farm. I bailed hay, castrated pigs....you name it while working a 40 hour job. At 65 and single since 2004. Lonely but realize I will never recover....it is the life I was born in.
Thank you. I'll share this with my friend who experienced this with her family growing up, and now her children. She's slowly beginning to realize the impact of narcissism on her life.
I remember my mother telling me to wash the dishes and me putting a chair up against the sink because I was too short to reach the faucets. The rest is history.
The child could burn themselves with hot water. They could fall off the chair. They could break a glass and cut themself. Children need supervision for safety. I’m so sorry Dondrie.
I spent my childhood helping my parrents renovate and clean rental properties, because it was good for me to learn these life skills. When I was 15, I was pulled out of school, and started work in the family shop business. I also used to cook the family meal, at night during the week, because father said it was good for me to learn, because when I got married, I could slip into the wife role easier. After watching this video, my stomached turned, as I realized that handmaid was me! I’ve gone no contact with him for the last 8 years, as I couldn’t stand his revolting rages when things didn’t go his way. My life is so much more peaceful now. These videos from dr Ramani bring me comfort, in understanding what has happened in my family, and has helped me to break the cycle.
"Because it was good for me to learn these life skills" Oh yes, I can relate. I spent the better part of my summers and free time doing housework, practicing the piano (something my mother imposed on me from age 3) and being grounded. Very little time for play or socializing. When my mother punished me, she'd always forbid me to see my friends. For weeks at a time (up to a month sometimes).
I feel you. The manipulation used to make you do 'their' work but for 'your good'. I bet they expected a 'thank you for the opportunity' as well. Probably made you feel that you were ungrateful for the 'opportunity' they are offering you. Hope you have reconnected with yourself and are away from their selfish, ill-intentions.
While I genuinely enjoy cooking and cleaning as part of my femininity, narcissistic parents make it as though you can’t be loved as a woman without doing these things especially in Eastern cultures and this is so damaging because your self esteem is based on productivity and what happens when you are exhausted? Does it mean you don’t deserve to be loved because you have been taught that love is conditional based on what you do?! This is the problem with this so it’s good to learn skills but not for the selfish reasons of the narcissistic family. You are loved for who you are!
So happy for you! I can relate!
Sending good vibes. ♥️
Thank you for this. I never identified with the Scapegoat, the Golden Child, or the Forgotten Child. It never quite fit. But this... This is it, this is what I went through. And now that I've taken a step back as an adult, I'm getting so much anger and resentment for "abandoning" them. It feels so much better being on my own.
Same: this is it. But culturally I am still stuck. Will be married into a worse dynamic.
@@trulyprocrastinated9594 YOU HAVE CHOICES. Go to therapy. Get help. You have only one life! At the end of the day, YOU have to answer how you live your life to YOU.
I definitely needed this video because the Scapegoat, Golden, Invisible never fit me either. I would never have known "helping mum" was wrong had she not scapegoated my dad so badly that I could see she was abusive.
The hard part of this for me is trying to do stuff for myself. It feels almost impossible to stop caring for others.
OMG! Just found this channel. You just described me to a T. Alcoholic father that used to wake me up at 3am starting at the age of 9 or 10 to make him breakfast when he got home from drinking and gambling. I mothered and took care of my sisters. At age 13 I watched my niece who was on a heart monitor and would turn blue while my mother worked. My niece thought I was her mother. I had no childhood. No wonder I’m so fu**ed up! As an adult I have gone from relationship to relationship where I take care of people and get very little in return. A year ago I said enough and I have been very alone deciding to do for and focus on me. I’m healing
This was so interesting for me. Thank you. I see now how my stepmother saved us all from thus role, however she also became the enabler, and in doing so, she created that role model for me. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani. ❤
My oldest sister was the Handmaiden, these days she’s back living on the farm with our grandiose narcissist mother. She has recently lost a lot of her hair due to the stress. Meanwhile my Mother is so angry with my oldest sister - my sister keeps strong boundaries with our toxic mother, as best she can - so much so that apparently my mother is vindictively trying to break her business that she runs on the farm. So resentful is my mother that her eldest is not continuing with her handmaiden duties. Thank you for the clear revelation on this, I understand my sister better and my mother’s recent heinous activities.
I was my moms hand maid in every way. At the age of 5 she used to cry on my bed, about how miserable her marriage was( step father) then I wen on in life to believe she was my bet friend. Never realizing how one sided this relationship was. Then during a ruff patch in my life at 59, still with a young child. I moved onto their property. After 6 years here , I’ve come full circle. I have done a lot of hard inner work. Only to realize I meant nothing to my mother unless I was serving her. When I backed away she got mean and aloof. I realized how much rage I had at her. But the good part is that I see the dynamics very clearly. She will always trigger me, catch me off guard. I’m human ! But rest assured I know who she is, and I only give my heart to those who reciprocate and care about me
4:50 "All people are objects to them"
These words hurt so much, but now we know, by Dr. Ramani's troth, it is true.
In my toxic family, my poor lovely grandparents are the handmaids because my narc mom had an ischemia and, even though she could be completely indipendent, she still makes herself be served in everything from them and treats them as if everything was owned to her. They renounced to live their pension for the love they feel for their daughter despite the way she addresses to them. I take pity on them, they'd deserve the best, they say that I am the joy of their lives and what makes them stand up every day.
Now I also understand while all my love stories were so disappointing and ended badly for me, because uncosciously I took that handmaidy road.
Thank you for putting a name to that role, and validating as usual. As you spoke, Dr. Ramani, I could see snippets of my life's movie going by. I made all those mistakes with bf and spouse as well. As a child, I knew there was something wrong with the way we were made to understand that we owed something to our parents, and hence had to serve them to pay for ... for what ? for life ?? So to keep my dad from yelling at us as he came home, we did something nice as we greeted him at the door (a little bit like the fawning response Pete Walker talks about in his book From Surviving to Thriving). I learned to guess my parents' (and later others') needs before they arose, in order to appease the demons, shield from the wrath.
Dr. Ramani, your videos are excelent. I'm a pshysician and psychoanalyst from Argentina. Unfortunatelly education on narsicisism is very poor both in medical school as well as in the psychoanalitical institutes. This is why it is of great help for all of us who have to treat and try to help patients deal with the issues around narcisistic relationships. I'd like it a lot if you could do a video discussing the subject of cognitive disonance. Although you tal about it in some of your videos, specially the one about missing the narcisist, it would be very helpfull if you could adress this topic in particular.
Thank you so much for all your authentic and evidently passionate way of transmiting all of the SO important concepts!!!!
Dr. Carola Ribero
Wow!!! This is the first time I've heard of the handmaid's role. That was totally me in my family of origin.
I was the handmaiden and the scapegoat. I did the laundry for everyone in the entire family, a family of 5. I did all the dishes, I basically raised my sister. My dad got me a job at 14 to help pay the mortgage. On top of all this I was homeschooled for all grades. I believe they did this for control of their kids. They didn’t care about education or anything. It was all about controlling what we believed.
When I started to question why I was doing everything and my siblings got to do whatever they enjoyed I was told I was ungrateful and blah blah blah.
You know me so well even though we've never met! I was a midlife baby raised by a single mother. It was Freaky Friday at my house every day.
I was one, if ever there was something wrong I felt I had failed at my job. But I also was the bottom child,things were blamed on me. I have continued the hand maid role
into my marriages .
So important. Thank you.
My parents tried to turn both my sister and I into handmaids but their inner shame meter made them also reject the idea that they were being abusive..we were just complainers, even if we didn't complain. Confusing is the word of the day. We were handmaids, flying monkeys and truth tellers in a mixed up ruin of a life.
Do you have a video about , Dr. Ramani? I think it’s really important when understanding Narcissistic Family “mobbing”. The Roles can change, and so can the Targets.
I think trust in a relationship is overrated. When my husband started getting frequent night calls , i would ask and he would just wave off those calls as unimportant. At a time i could take no more of his lies, i decided i deserve to know what was going on. A friend of mine referred me to this great ethical hacking team( Cyberhackingsage@gmail ) who helped clone his cellphone without having to touch the device. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad i found out all his secrets and infidelity and how he planned on using this pandemic to get back to me. I got access to his Facebook, iMessage, GPS location, WhatsApp, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed App on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. If you need help or that little bit of closure, i advice you get in touch with them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on +15713758467...thank me later.
I was definitely the handmaid child to my dad but both my parents are alcoholics/drug addicts.
I'm the oldest sibling...always took care of my sister and brothers...broken wing syndrome.
When our Narc decided to shut my life down my siblings let me suffer without help.
Yes I was the handmaid.
Sux....I hate Narcs.
Thank you ❤️
To anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse or anyone who needs to read this:
My wants and needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
My feelings are important messages from my body.
My feelings matter.
I am a valid human being with feelings and needs.
I am worth getting to know.
I am a lovable person.
I am the only person responsible for getting my own needs met.
It is not selfish, but responsible, to put my own needs first.
Asking for help is a sign of strength.
Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are.
I am proud to be a deeply feeling person.
All human beings make mistakes. What matters is that I learn from mine.
I deserve to be cared for.
My feelings are walled off, but they are still there, and they are important.
🤗
Try to explain that to people who are convinced they are it.
Thank you!!!
This is so well said!!! And so true, thank you for sharing!
Thank you 😊
Both the handmaid and the scapegoat. I spent so much time trying to work myself into acceptance and validation. It never worked. My parents truly expected it as my tax for existing. Being the first born daughter in an African home is already exhausting...adding narcissistic parents on top of it is soul crushing to say the least.
Glad I'm choosing myself more and more!
A "tax for existing" . . . exactly!! . . . I so relate to this . . . my narc mom acted like it was my duty and that I owed it to her to be the maid, cook, babysitter, etc. etc. . . . glad to be out and happy to see you are too : )
So happy you are a survivor and thriver
Proud of you. Another African here. My Dad was a piece of shit. I'm glad we're all growing and improving. We can only go up from here.
Oh Jesus 😩😩😩
Hugs
As a young married women I was cleaning up dishes my narc mom was visiting and told my husband while smiling “I made her that way!” Handmade slave housekeeper babysitter jester golden child now no contact and black sheep - last role best role....
Some kids, eg scapegoats, are also forced to be handmaidens - fetching multiple cups of coffee and doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning for large families - being forced into the mother role, even at age 12 or so, so the mother can just do whatever she feels like.
I remember my mom going through a self-help program to deal with her own childhood trauma. She would come home, have an explosion, and collapse on the floor of the hallway, a sobbing mess. I would pull her up and take her to bed, bring her a cup of tea, and tell her everything was going to be okay. I must have been about eleven. In those moments, she would tell me to be grateful I had a good mom like her instead of an abusive one like her own mom. And I would reassure her that she was the best mom, and pet her hair because she required it of me.
That’s literally me
@@abracadaverous I did this, too.
Wow, just realizing my mom was the same way. Thank you so much
This was true for me.
I'm getting out of this toxic environment, I'm proud of myself, I'm making progress. It's almost over.
Go you : ) That's wonderful! Best wishes to you!!
Awesome! Keep going and stay strong. It’s all any of us can do. I’m kind of in the same situation here. All we can do is to get out and don’t look back
Keep going!
Very good! Stay strong! Lots of strenght, luck and love for you!
👏👏👏 we are very proud of you!!! Keep going. You do not belong there.
When my narc parents moved to the other side of the country, they expected me to move with them. When I said no, they then said, “Who’s going to take care of us then?” I said, “You have two other children living in the same US state as you’re moving to. I more than did my part. Now it’s their turn.” My parents then said, “You know your brother and sister aren’t going to do that.” I said, “Too bad. It’s my turn to live my life instead of constantly making personal sacrifices.”
Now it’s my narc brother’s wife who’s helping them. He always could never be bothered to help anyone other than himself. This is what my parents get for always enabling his selfish behavior.
Your comment has really caught my eye. I have recently come to the realization that, I've had three generations of narc abuse .
My grandmother, my father and now my sister.
Once you realize they are all narcs, it's sooo eye opening.
I'm currently a bit caught...My mother is narcissist "light" (now that she's old and contained by me and my dad) my father is an enabler and with poor health as a multiple narcissist abuse survivor aaaaand my older 2 siblings are both narcissist 😢 so I'm living and taking care of my mom and dad (the main care is buffer to my dad from the antagonist personality of my mom) my siblings have far better economic situations than me BUT if I live (with basically nothing and I mean to start from zeeero, that's also related to the narc abuse) my dad won't survive for long at the mercy of them.. It's a catch 22. So I've been in the role of: invisible child the first years, second hand golden child, scapegoat when I was trying to survive a super toxic university, handmaiden now and working very hard to recover dignity and economical independence, also enabler till 2019.
Unfortunately, for some it's a cultural thing for (most of) the oldest daughter to become a second parent, a handmaid and scapegoat for her parents and siblings... it's a sad reality and not so long ago it used to be my reality too...but I'm out of that toxic environment and healing slowly from it..
@@shahlaslife00 I feel you.. I hate to be the oldest for these reasons and many more :(
Yes, I am hispanic and sadly this is the dynamic, worst thing is that people normalize this
Amen, ladies. Oldest of 10. Handmaid, fixer, nanny, babysitter, house maid, was expected to contribute financially. Now I don’t even speak to them. It has been the best year of my life!
Yes "the oldest daughter to become a second parent, a handmaid and scapegoat for her parents and siblings" I am French and that is unfortunately true, I left France and I am still shocked how kind and nice other people can be, like I've never experienced at home :(
Oldest of mentally ill mother and father who abandoned us but later was forced to take custody. To this day the family tries to keep me in the role of handmaid. I’m awake now. No more for me.
I want to scream in gratitude for your channel. Nobody ever talked to me as a kid, so some explaining really helps.
I was the maid, babysitter (had a baby on my hip since I was 12. I used to say I could change a dirty diaper, make a grilled cheese sandwich for another kid and wipe another baby's snotty nose all at the same time), confidante, cook (the only child of 4 that she taught to cook), errand runner, project doing, emotional trashcan for the shit she didn't want to deal with (i.e. mad at her husband or mother = dump it on her kid) and earmarked to be her retirement . . . she's none too happy now that I'm gone . . . and yes, I married a narc who severely took advantage of this aspect of me
Poor you sugar...
@@waterlily333 Wow, I'm surprised she was so transparent about it. She sounds like a total asshole. Sorry you had to live through that shit. Mine wasn't transparent. She is a covert narc and her "mask" was that she is a martyr and an amazing mom. Like yours, she acted like I owed her these things and that it was "normal". At one point, her mother even pointed out that I was raising her children, which only pissed her off more . . . at ME; not her mother who said it. So twisted.
@@-Mitra- That's horrible. Your mother sounds like a trash-fire dumpster of a human being. And you're right, its such a process to have to grieve and re-parent yourself. I had to grow my own mom inside of me and learn to turn off the critical voice (i.e. her internalized). It's so much more peace inside my mind now. I actually have loving nicknames for myself ; ) Anyhoo, it is very painful especially since they and their enablers will not acknowledge the damage. Best wishes to you : )
God bless you JoJo. I hope you get out of that marriage. I hope you make the time now for your own needs and fulfillment. I hope you find someone who is deserving of you, who will love and cherish you for the nurturing, caring person you are and never take advantage of those qualities.
My mother taught me to cook age 10 doing dinners cleaning house washing.Got married mother tried to sabotage that ,to someone exactly the same surprise ,!,She could not cook etc My plough horse days are over not pleasing anyone again
I try to control my anger when I hear this done to a child and I also get upset when a dog is mistreated. They are both so innocent and they should only be loved.
Firstborn in my very young immediate family, scapegoat for almost everything. Demands grew on me all the time to take care of my parents and brothers, my codependency rose in my interactions. At school, at home, at work, it clouded everything. I started to drive at the insistence of my parents, I became busy all the time with driving my brothers, errands, supporting the family business. Not only that, I was expected to “know things” read minds, and soothe emotions. My mother would say, “where’s my purse,” as if I had placed it somewhere. My father would say, “where’s your brothers?” As if he didn’t have any children. I would be asked to get up and walked across the room to get something so they wouldn’t have to get up. I once saw a child being treated this way in a restaurant and not even allowed to eat her food! I then understood, began attempting to back out of the role, the backlash was enormous and I needed therapy for depression to pull away. Thanks for the video, Dr Ramani, I’ve asked my therapist to watch your channel when it’s too painful to explain.
Wow! I can remember times when my mom wasn't sick but would ask me (firstborn scapegoat with 2 younger bros) to bring her a tissue! I would do it just to make her happy but of course nothing ever makes these creatures happy bcuz they're miserable.
Sending you strength and support
I'm so sorry you had to go through that..I went through a very similar thing, too. Reading your post is like reading a description of my childhood. I hope so much you can heal 🤗
My mother was similar, assigning me the "busy work" that made me feel belittled. Never a word of appreciation. She sometimes told me to get her glasses out of her purse for her, when her purse was hanging from her shoulder! It was the control she got off on.
Hugs
My dad was a pleasant alcoholic,violent when sober. My mom the narcissistic one.
I was the handmaid.
It stayed my role till I rebelled @ 40 and retired from being a slave.
Alcoholics are narracists. Pleasant or not.
I am currently the handmaid in the family. An only child. First scapegoat, then scapegoat housemaid to try and please my parents.
I clean for both my parents. Packed lunches. Fixed the house. Go to the store.
I realize what they are, but I have to pull the weight of keeping them pleased to have a place to currently stay.
I no longer get a thank you since it’s become I habit I do everywhere with everyone. I only get criticism for what I don’t do. I was the only one at all my jobs that cleaned.
“Your worth is more than what you do for other people.” Is something that I’ve struggled with in all my relationships, and made me question if there really is unconditional love
Handmaid here as well, I'm growing out of it. My mother can not handle it, she feels I'm obligated because she had me.
RenewalWon I hate when that phrase is used. A child does not owe a parent anything, just because the parent ‘chose’ to have a child and they ‘chose’ to do their moral obligation of taking care of that child. Or at least put food on the table. Its selfish for anyone to think that anyone owes them something
There is unconditional love, and you can have it for yourself. And our creator loves each one of us unconditionally, even narcissists. But Dr. Ramani is right about how you have to stop doing for others and shift your focus to yourself. This is much easier to say than do, but it can be done. Try starting small. Choose one self-care habit that takes only a little time, and make it a daily practice, like a five minute morning meditation. Insist on it no matter what the narcissist says or does in response. Establish this habit, then add another practice, and so on. Yes it will probably be very hard, and it will also be worth it because you are worth it.
Former handmaid....never again! The first thing I did was imagine myself free to be happy. That made me feel better. Then I gave myself permission to stop feeling guilty. Finally I became unavailable, physically and emotionally. I took my power back, you can too! Baby steps.
R.A. Andrews thank you. I really value and appreciate your response. I’m trying to start small like you say, and I only finding myself slipping back on stressful days.
It hopefully will get easier.
"They keep letting you do it until you exhaust yourself"....YES. They won't ever give credit or give you a break.
I was the handmaid & scapegoat for my mother for 45 years. I spent 23 years married to someone who was the male version of my mother. I went no contact with my mother and initiated the divorce with my ex inside of a 24-hour span of time in November of 2018. I still live next door to my mother, but am working towards selling my home and moving as far away from her as possible.
I subsisted on hopium and spent decades subjected to her abuse. I was nothing more than a slave to her and her endless selfish demands. My hard-fought freedom was worth what little I lost in losing my family of origin and in losing my marriage. I have gained so much in the way of peace, freedom, and joy and I treasure every bit of it.
Hopium -- gud one
I wish you well, I wish you happiness and I wish you peace of mind.
Spread those wings little butterfly, the wind awaits.
I have the opposite problem. More than one person in my family wanted me to move in with them or move next door instead while I am already so glad to have some distance between me and their 2 fathers whom I divorced long ago at long last during separation during a dramatic no win custody dispute in which according to those 2 men I was never going to be good enough for them as mother to their children while punishing me in legal kidnapping plots and in court too after leaving them with our children while doing so because I was trying to protect myself and them from horrific violence and emotional abuse which was starting to become violent again.
I like that! Hopium. Lol
The other day my best friend said to someone else "you know how when someone asks you for something, you weigh out in your mind whether it would be convenient for you to do it or not before you give them an answer? Tyler doesn't have that." I believe he was trying to say I'm a kind person, but it made me feel very uncomfortable inside. I think this video describes my exact root of the problem. I was definitely a handmaid for a very long time, and even though I've gone NC with my parents, I still have a lot to learn and heal from. Thank you for this.
That's so good, when you can glimpse yourself through the eyes of another.
"Your worth comes from more than what you do for people" is so powerful, even for people with low self-esteem. Thanks Dr. Ramani for another great video!
This is me! I broke away a few weeks ago when I finally realized I was being used, abused, and manipulated. I am 25 and am finally living for myself and my own happiness. It feels SO GOOD.
I was the scapegoat who developed into the handmaid and then back to the scapegoat when I expected gratitude.
In fact my sister told me I have been 40 from 12 years of age 😅
All my friends have called me mom from 14 years of age.
Me too
Me too! Thanks for sharing your comment!
Yes, me too...about the mom thing. My friends always called me mom!
Gratitude is never given because you are making yourself worthy to be in their presence.
Horrible when they get old and they feel you aren’t doing enough for them, they threaten you with being cut out of the will. Hurts when you have always been there for them.
Or when they write the will to pit the golden Child against the rest who are no longer favored any more.
My mom didn't just threaten but did cut me and my 2 sons out of the will. Her favorite my Narcissist sister just like my mom got everything. My Narcissist mom died in March. I have peace now. Both are gone.
Donna Joseph-Barford I’m no contact now. It’s a horrible feeling, but I do have peace. My heart goes out to you. I’m glad you have peace. God Bless.
My story too.
We watched our next door neighbor, a lovely woman and an only child, work herself into an early grave running and fetching for her demanding elderly parents while neglecting her own health, ignoring signs of heart problems. Anytime she told them she didn't feel well and needed to go see a doctor they would say, "who's going to take care of us?" Guilt trip every time. Died at 61 of heart failure, a tragic unnecessary loss.
I "was" a handmaid..to my elderly parents then 37 yrs to a narcissist husband. Now I take care of me.
Same. But not as long. My heart goes out to you my dear friend! You are stronger than you know!!!!❤ Continue taking care of you. Xoxo
Never too late
Me too.
"healthy people will show gratitude when you do for them, but they will not expect it as a matter of course" (8:50). I feel sad when I think of all the people I have felt compelled to please/ meet their requests of me, not believing it was okay to say 'no', and then having them just want more of me, instead of truly expressing gratitude for what I had given! this pattern kept me feeling so small, chasing crumbs of acceptance, trying anxiously to avoid disapproval, seeking to earn love and worthiness, working so hard and giving so much of myself, while they gave so little of themselves to me!
this video really gave me insight into why I would get into frantic house-cleaning when I stayed in the home of my narc - it was a way to channel the nervous energy I felt into getting concrete tasks done, which helped me feel a sense of control in what felt like an out-of-control experience. I couldn't articulate this at the time, because on the surface nothing was 'wrong', but energetically I was feeling highly triggered and didn't know how to process what I was feeling, except to channel my nervous energy into endless activity that I couldn't stop.
Ppp
I understand you and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are healing and feeling worthy regardless of what you do or don't do for others. Sending Love & appreciation your way🌸
I feel you on that one.
This is an Excellent message!! I see this in many women who won’t/can’t say no.
Yeah, not being able to say no or accept help is a big red flag for having been raised by narcs.
Me but now I can
Well if you were raised by narcissists they don't really teach you how to ask for help or how to say no.
@@pandoraw259 Yep, they don't want you telling them no and they consider asking for help as "weak" or a lowly position.
Me!
This is ME!!! ALL my life. ALL of my relationships, It ends NOW,
🏆, go for it, they'll worsen with age...
The title brought tears to my eyes
Right? As soon as I saw it, I knew it was going to talk about what I experienced.
I was the one...the handmaid (Over-responsible) person in my family of origin.
So I ended up marrying a full blown narcissist as a result. Doing things in every way to keep the rages away; it worked when I was present in the household. I often say I had no childhood, always being responsible and making sure my brothers were taking care of on a daily basis.
I stayed exhausted; and then I married a narcissistic woman with a narcissistic mother. My role never changed. I got lost for a long time.
I do this at work, as well. I did not know this at all. I thought this was normal. I’m finding out that I was making up for other people’s lack.
I finally learned to stop the hard way. I gave too much and got too little back.
My experience matches what was described herein to the “Tee.”. When I established boundaries finally; everyone pushed back hard, especially the narcissist.
I learned the hard way, but I’m okay. Took a while, because I got lost by enmeshed in a toxic relationship.
Thanks Dr. Ramani for shedding the light in what I finally figured out.👍🏾
I was the handmaid child. 2nd born of 5 children. 1st girl born. Became 2nd Mom to all my siblings except my oldest brother. Therefore, I was the handmaid to my mother & younger siblings. That conditioning continued into marriage. Dad passed in '97. Mom passed in 2016. She lived with me the last 4 years of her life. When she transitioned, I didn't know what to do with myself for 2 years. One day, I heard one of your messages & discovered it was finally time to take care of myself. It took 2 years to adjust to that new concept. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. At 1st I grieved a sense of a life lost to servitude; however, at 60 I'm grateful for each day of life, health, & precious authentic friends. (No more sibling caretaking either!) Thank you for your excellent contribution to promoting good mental & emotional health.
Enjoy everything. Take moments to look at & smell the flowers & do things that you will enjoy however simple. This is your time now.
I would love to know how you did it. I wrote a comment above before I read yours.
At this moment I am so lost...
I was the 1st girl of 6 kids, and also the handmaid growing up. I understand what you went through 😔
@@beccapears7573 Dear Becca. Unfortunelately there is only one solution: run as fast as you can and go no contact. They never change. If you stay the abuse will continue. I moved away and went no contact when I was 47 years old. Now I am 64 years old and to this day I cherish the decision to go no contact. Life has been peacefull since I left. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace. Life can be good even though you are without family.
Currently living through how you grew up. It sucks.
I was gaslighted about calling myself “Cinderella”. The gaslighting joke still comes up once and a while. A divorced mother shouldn’t make her children clean up after her and her live-in or remarried supply. Everybody should do their part in this situation. I’m definitely considered a handmaid by the narcissists and gaslighted if I complain. I’m gaslighted continually.
This sounds a lot like me. I carried it into adulthood and now that all the narcs are out of my life I'm struggling. I don't know how to act. I don't know any other way. But I like to make art so I'm focusing on that :)
Yes hobbies are the best way; you have ability to have your identity a narcissist doesn't thats why they are so pathetic
This was me, too, until last year. My advice, treat YOURSELF the way you treated THEM. Be good & kind to yourself.
Just dont start dating one!
You're supposed to find healthy people now. The problem is the globe is over run with demonic possession, oops I mean "personality disorders". (Wink to satan)
Are you here all by yourself? Why Yes I am because people like you that act kind/sincere actually want to stick a straw in me like a Capri Sun!
I was an emotional handmade. My narc dad turned me into his personal counselor. When I was 7 years old I had to sit and listen to his problems with women, relationships, and sex. And I had to respond and agree; I was not allowed to just sit passively and listen. It was awful. I've never really gotten past it.
That was really inappropriate of him. I hope you can keep the lessons but let go of the pain. 💜💜💜
My mother did this. A therapist explained it is actually a form of abuse called 'emotional (or covert) incest'. I felt totally sick to realise this was true, but working through it has been vital in my recovery
People that used to come visit my home when I was a child used to be amazed that an 8 year old could cook a whole meal, lol- I made a full course lunch for my dad everyday for years because my mom worked . My sister who is 10 years younger now talks about dad always making her the best lunches when she was small, I’m like what?? Completely different treatment. I was cook, cleaner and babysitter my whole life. Now taking care of my aging mother, brother and sister no where to be found. Roles go on forever.
Mystery Rosebud this is exactly why I'm cutting my entire "family" of origin out of my life.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I feel like a missing puzzle piece has finally fallen into place. After reading the comments I think my situation is somewhat unique. I was the youngest in my family by six years. As a child I wasn't really expected to do much housework, but I had to take care of my mother's every emotional need. It would take a half hour for her to drive me to school and a half hour to drive me back, and during that time she would complain to me. She had such a difficult childhood with an alcoholic father, she was having troubles with her marriage and her children etc. I tried to complain about the bullying I was going through. I had no idea how to self care, and other children noticed and bullied me about it. But my mother would just talk over me, telling me about her own personal instances of being bullied, hers being the worse so I had nothing to complain about. So think about it, an hour of parentification a day, five days a week, nine months of the year from age eight to seventeen. That is not even counting the care I had to give before and after school and on the weekends.
When I was ten my sister had a near fatal accident which left her in intensive care. I had to nurse my mother through that. When I was twelve my grandfather died of a heart attack in the presence of myself, my mother and my grandmother. I wrapped my arms around my mother and told her I was there for her. No one did that for me. When I was fifteen my father spent a week in intensive care due to heart failure from the medication he was on. Mum needed so much extra support. And when my second grandfather was slowly dying of kidney failure when I was fifteen I listened to how she was suffering in having to deal with such difficulties. When I was seeing my doctor regularly for depression, she came into the office and spent the whole time talking to him about her problems. No one ever asked me how I was feeling.
When I was thirteen and my sister had her first child my mother would babysit while my sister went to work. I had to do most of the caring while my mother got paid. She complained to everyone that I never helped. It was the same for the next few babies. Mum would offer to babysit, get all the money and accolades whilst I did most of the work, all the while everyone was telling me how lazy and selfish I was for not helping enough. People would get angry at me for not helping my mother enough, but she never told me what I had to do, or how to do it. I was supposed to mind read.
Thankfully I left home at nineteen and never went back. My siblings are still angry at me for being the perceived golden child. I suppose my mother might have spoken well of me, just never to my face. I think I was the first to have woken up to her, which made me think I was the invisible child, but this makes so much sense.
This has been so painful to write and I haven't really told anyone until now. Again thank you.
This brought back so many sad memories but I promised myself that I will NEVER shed another tear for what my family put me through. It is hard but I am more than determined to pull this off. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani. You have helped me to understand my life better, set boundaries and stand by those boundaries without an iota of guilt. God bless you
Mystery Rosebud, I am so sorry. It is time to CHOOSE you. They will never change. Their “love” is fake and only beneficial to them. It will take time but you will eventually get better. Happy healing
I was a scapegoat, golden child, and a handmaid all in one! talk about a mind trap.
Wow. Same here
Same!
The joy of being an only child with an alcoholic narc mother for 18 years- I cycled thorough every role there was. Those 3 were most of the time though. I thought for a while that meant she actually saw me as a whole person. I've got over that illusion now!
In my case I didn’t take care of mom to “get attention” or “get approval”, I did it solely to keep her from having meltdowns. I’d do anything and everything in the hopes that the outbursts and rage would be quelled before they got started.
That's how my mother controls the whole family. Not just her children but both sides of the family. People who would do nothing for their own family drop everything to cater to my mother's wimpers.
I wish I knew how she does it.
She is a Uber Karen.
Me too
Your memories are much like mine. I still panic when someone gets angry and I know it is my responsibility to calm them down.
You too? Wow. It's amazing how those of us who suffered the same things understand the situation with little explanation.
Me too
Timing of this video is perfect; I’ve been taking care of my narcissistic father with Alzheimer’s for the past three years, but tomorrow we’ll start an evaluation period, where professional caregivers come to his home to evaluate his future care needs. It looks like he’s starting to need more daily care and I’m not willing to provide it anymore. Reading from other comments, there seems to be a clear pattern: my father, too, gets jealous, if I 've had e.g. out-of-town visitors (once or twice a year is too much for him, imagine). On those days he needs my help non-stop. My father is a benign narcissist, but my mother was a way tougher case (narcissist) and if she lived (died 20 years ago out of rage), I would’ve refused to help her. I am the middle child of three and the only girl. I was the golden handmaid; the girl with straight A’s, who took care of everyone. Later, as an adult, where ever I worked, I was sniffed out by narcissists, who made me their handmaids. I was not blind to this pattern, but when I escaped to a new work place, I only ended up in a new cave of new beasts. Finally, I quit and chose a second career where I could work home, alone. Partner candidates also sniffed out my handmaidism and since I was not able to cut this cycle, I eventually chose to live alone. All along I’ve seen clearly my role as a handmaid and at times I’ve even been very assertive in my fight against it (to a point that I sued one of my employers and won). Despite this reflection and clarity, I still keep finding myself in these situations. I’m almost 60 and still waiting for my life to begin.
Ughh 🥵 I’ve been a handmaid in my family
But I didn’t had a choice
They made me do it,I couldn’t say no because they will abuse me
So,I did it because i was afraid
No one was on my side 😞
My Mom tried to get me to be her asst. and handmsid to her and my brothers but I rebelled and refused and just decided to take care of myself, although I would help her in the kitchen with dishes until we got a dishwasher.
Mama Tara i was on my own in my family
Step mom and hafl sisters 😞
I would be hit if I refused. She was a strict ' dissaplinarian' . I even had to be my parents interpreter at the age of 5. It wasn't an occasional role but my only purpose to be their mouth piece and clean, cook and listen to all the emotional trash she told me about her life. While I was doing all the work she was nowhere to be seen. Basically, I was invisible until needed. I decided at 16 to leave home, get a job and finished my studies in the evenings. I grieve my childhood now in my 50s. The violence keeps us unpaid slaves.
Its a bad feeling when you are alone as a child. Children need allies.
@@stealthwarrior5768 I was in a similar situation. You are strong. Remember that & love yourself. Every day choose small pleasures for yourself. A five minute walk just to look at what is going on outside, noticing the shapes of clouds, the way trees move in the wind. A cup of coffee. A magazine. Think-"this is for me".
i am totally the handmaid....i live alone with my father... it's like i am taking care of a giant toddler
i am now 20
i literally smell from miles away what needs to be done in order to keep my dad pleased
i feel so depressed lately
he totally keeps me dependent on him etc etc buy guilt tripping etc keeping me little
now i dropped art college bc he wanted to start his own business and so i can help
i am so exhausted
he even is jealous of my friends
like when i want to go over to my friends house he gets jealous and guilt trips me for not being there for him
that's only like one percent of it all
i don't know how to stop this
i live his life not mine
i need to find a way to get out of this...and your videos help me a lot
anyways...thank you
your videos are so helpful in my situation
it's like finally someone is there who knows my situation
whoever reads this...i send love and healing your way. This too shall pass and we can get our life back❤️
Totally relate, and I'm so sorry you're going through this! You are going to come out of this a stronger person! 💜
Please keep taking steps-even if it is as quiet as having new thoughts about how your own life is important, separately from him-to move out and away from this cage-like situation. This channel is really helpful and there are other channels that help with thinking through the steps it takes, like earning and saving money so you can afford to move out. If you have good friends maybe split rent somewhere. Please find some mental and physical space daily or often where you can feel safe and breath and rest emotionally so you can be with the one person who needs your love and care most: you! Step by step, thought by thought, you can get free. Thanks for the blessings and love - some coming your way too ❤️
There are some free phone numbers you can call. You can find them on the net. I never tried, however. They might help you, talk to you... Please try! Do not become discouraged when it will not work! You need your own life, not live your father's. Stay well! 💐
I totally relate to the jealous of your friends thing. My mother was extremelyyyyy jealous and only wanted me to be with her. She would try to guilt me saying I needed to spend time with my "real" family. However, she even isolated us (me and my sister) from all our family - on every side of it. What she meant was I had to stay around her but she was abusive so I didn't want to. For some reason, she could not pair that her screaming rages left me hiding in my room or trying to go to a friends. It was never her fault, but rather, she would blame me saying I was selfish. So, crazy . . . and so freeing to not be in that anymore. There is a saying around narc families that I so appreciate. It's to ask yourself, "If I wasn't related to them would I hang around them. If the answer is no, act accordingly."
Don't be afraid to leave. Sending you strength 🙏❣️
I cannot thank you enough when you said it was never your job. I truly cried because you were so right it’s frightening to be the handmaid. It continues in every other relationship if you don’t stop it.
My father is an alcoholic but I don't ever remember taking care of him. It was my narc mother who made me feel like a handmaid. It was always about her.
Me too.
Wow, you poor thing. I can't imagine what it must be like to have two parents who are freakazoids. I hope you are all right now.
I’d love to share my story with Ramini about my girlfriend’s and I’s lives and how we just recently escaped from her narc family after many years, but theres not enough space here. Basically they were so toxic and so destabilizing that theres hardly a video that you produce that doesn’t apply to our situation in some way.
You should share your story. It may be therapeutic. You are not alone. Be strong ❤️
Feel sorry for you,our son married into a family like you mentioned. Peace to you.
It's taking over the world and it has nothing to do with psychology. Hope you will figure it out before you are forced to get a tracking device that is also used for a worldwide digital monetary system.
Nunya Bidness I know that won’t be a problem for anyone lol so it’s all good!
Jessica Peebles I’ll use this reply as sort of a reply to all. My story is like way too long lol. Basically I now live alone with my fiancé and life is getting back on track. While we’re learning how to disengage from her family, which has been easier now that we’re in Oklahoma and they’re in Florida, we’re building a retail business together and moving on. I was raised with several narcissistic people in my family and met many more in the work force. I’ve spent the past 5 years studying psychology, cult dynamics, Spiral Dynamics, healthy finances, and we eat very healthy together. We learned many lessons traveling with Molly’s family and we settled on never sharing our space with other people for a long time so we can keep educating ourselves and living a far less stressful life!
I was a handmaid for my narrsasitc father and hes wife I only got free of them when I left home at 16
Hope you're managing sugar, I'm glad you got away.
Fairy tales were the pre psychology teachings of interpersonal dynamics and mental illnesses. In this case, we have the Cinderella is the handmaiden child ..
Excellent observation!
Goosh just learning that I was Cinderella all this time 😱
Anybody seen Shameless tv series on Showtime? Fiona is exactly that, a handmaid.
Yep, totally
I could never get into that show! I tried several times & heard it was good. I think it reminds me of my less than functional family!! I didn’t see it til just now. Ugh 😑 Thanks
@@Counselingforlife the British original show is better than the American one, and in the British show, Fiona does break free of her toxic family
That show was entertaining then quickly became depressing because the dysfunction was too relatable lol
@@kellyparrish5455 + Chef Maximus
YES!!
Everything & everyone depended on her!
But I'd love to know what you guys think of this; in a weird way?
They were actually functional in their dysfunction,. I feel like they were.
After the first few episodes I got hooked on it ( it took a bit it was so bizarre) but after a while I felt like;
It seems these kids are actually functioning! I mean yeah in a weird, unlawful, crazy way,. But Fiona seemed to have set an "all for one & one for all" sort of paradigm,.
Whatever they did as crazy as it was rarely seemed strictly selfish,.
It was in the context of doing for them all as a family,.
Also whenever one of them got in trouble the rest of them were like called to like a; drop everything "minute man" type of duty to save or help the sibling in trouble,.
So in a weird way isn't that (admittedly)strangely "functional"?
Thank you so much!! Since I subscribed your channel, I could figured out that my boyfriend is a narcissist.. you saved me! You really deserve more subscribers 🌸thank you so much I really appreciate all your videos ☺️🌸
I was a combo scapegoat/handmaid. I was a scapegoat whenever I dared to express a rational thought, or dared to deviate one iota from my parent's plans for me -- like take another course in chemistry instead of physics (the horror!). I became a handmaid to placate my mother when her rage reached the point where I thought she might maim or kill me. I retreated to a handmaid role for self-preservation. I accepted the scapegoat role when I desperately needed to preserve my own sanity.
did we have the same mom?
The handmaid and the scapegoat
My father was an addict & narcissist; then I became the handmaiden to my highly abusive husband of over a decade. This channel is illuminating ❤️
I used to refer to myself as the family slave. I am still the goto for everyone. My mother is the narc and she acts like a pimp sometimes. She always volunteers me to do things for everyone else without my knowing. They show up for me to do whatever it is and I have to perform to escape the retaliation I will suffer later. When it comes to the fun family activities I'm never included. I'm almost 50 years old and I just woke up. I'm fighting the guilt of walking away right now because of their age, although my mother has exaggerated her illnesses for as long as I can remember. She has been on the verge of death since I was four. I noticed one day, that I had never lived. I have only waited to die. All because it made her unhappy for me to date, go away to college, travel, get married, etc. You're right, sacrifice doesn't matter I'm still to blame because of proximity. I never imagined it would be this hard to care for myself. In my day to day, my mother is the priority, and if I get around to it, then me. I want to cry but I have no more tears left, besides I hate the fake sympathy when she sees that I'm depressed. She gets major satisfaction from it. I know that the only way to be free from it is to leave. To be honest I have no idea what is stopping me. I can literally feel myself pull back when I start succeeding at something. I tried to search my memories for a moment to draw from when I had some joy. I don't have any. I have no happy memories with my family and the few joyful moments with friends was always stolen or filled with fear that I was celebrating too openly. The saddest thing about it is that even after she passes away, I know that I will not have a family. The only relatives that saw it were all older and gone now. No one else knows. They all send her letters and cards about how much they admire her. It is so confusing and at times overwhelming. Prison is the only way to describe it. I know the bars are invisible and I can walk straight through them, so then why don't I?
I want you to know that I feel your pain at the loss of life and can relate to much of it. I didn't understand what was wrong with my dysfunctional mostly narcissistic family until I left my home in NM and moved to FL soon after my Dad passed away. Then it hit me like a Mack truck when my Mom reverted to abusing me the way she did when I was a kid in her house. Then I found out about narcissism and it blew my mind in a great way. Not that I didn't go thru major grieving like you would when someone close to you dies, but the daily epiphanies were just flabbergasting and also enthralling. Don't delay. Paint yourself a brighter day and know that there is a better way. You can learn to love yourself, forgive them for they knew not what they did or they do but Can't help themselves. You can help yourself and create a great life for yourself. Trust me, if I can do it so can you. I'm 61 so it's never too late. Don't wait. Love yourself. You deserve to Live your own life. Claim it and get out!!!
Tell your family members that there is now a fee for your time and for your services. Also that they have to confirm with you in advance if you are supposed to help them because your mother is scheduling your time without your knowledge or permission. Call them to help YOU with something and see what happens. That might make you angry enough to start setting boundaries. Good God.
PS Have you seen The Shawshank Redemption?? I think that you could benefit from watching that movie very closely. Like about 5 times. Maybe more. And get a therapist, (be careful in your choice, there are nutjob therapists out there,) and do some energy work, stat. You are being murdered slowly but surely, and no one is going to save you but yourself. When you have rhe least strength is often when you find the wisdom to ask God for help..
And mean it. But you must ask. Good Luck.
Poor you hon, you are beautiful and much much stronger without her. You're also a very good person. She went in to take advantage of it all, you'll break free, hope you meet someone nice!
@@taralilarose1 Thank you so much for your encouragement and validation. I'll take your words to heart and fight for it. Thank you.
I feel like everytime I leave, I have this overwhelming guilt followed by hours and hours of crying and feeling lost. So I run back to mum again.
I've never had a video that explained my life so accurately before. It made me cry, in a positive way. Stopping the behaviours is so difficult, because I feel like my life revolves around it. I feel lost, empty and suicidal without them
This might be a trauma bond. Have you watched Dr. Ramani’s video about that? It might help. I hope you free yourself and feel better! 🙏💝
As a labour saving device, I didn't decide to help the parents but was ordered to. Since they were also heavy into law and order, enamoured of the military organization and communication style, I was also kid cop, in charge of bossing the siblings to keep everyone out of trouble whenever the parents went out -- beginning at age 9. As a result of the kid cop role, I was unpopular with other kids. The parents also held me up as an example verbally to the other kids, so I was also technically the golden child. This is all very confusing now as I try to unravel it all and claim my own prerogative. Feelings were not valid, play was not valid, and I was an invisible child when it came time for feelings. So thank you very much for the clarity with which you explain these concepts. It is helping.
Hope you can move on in a healthy, progressive manner.
I can relate with you totally to this day I don’t have a relationship with my brother or my sister They have held me responsible for raising them..They can’t see I was made to do it...So Sad 😢 for both of us..I’m 55 and just now really waking up to all of this I have no idea how to care for myself!! To boot I’m in a relationship where my needs feelings and cares are still not met!! Unless I do everything even disabled!! When does it end is all I want to know..I wish we could get a group together to heal together!! Take Care 🤗 I’m sending you a big hug 🤗Sheila
Narc parents LOVE to triangulate and set siblings against each other. They didn't care that you needed parenting just like all of your siblings or that they were damaging the bonds that should exist between all of you. Wishing you healing, light and love!
@@joseenoel8093 Working on it! Thank you
@@Sheywh12 All I can tell you is that I have been cruising UA-cam for uplifting videos, Law of Attraction, and there are many coaches. I started with one and found others and shifted as my interest in different styles evolved. After a few weeks of one coach, I would listen to another, then prefer another, and so on. They don't all talk about Narcissism. Some names to check out to see which ones you like: Dr. Les Carter, Meredith Miller, Jake Ducey, Victor Oddo, Aaron Doughty, and of course, Esther Hicks (Abraham) who wrote the book: Ask and it is given. Be well.
Sadly, when I was married for almost 20 years my husband felt responsible for his mother and siblings and felt guilty for marrying me and leaving them because the father had left the mother......sadly after we separated he decided he needed to take care of his mom and siblings again and stopped working on our marriage. Now divorced.......there is this never ending feeling of guilt , fixing things.....
Thank you for sharing that. It's a wake-up call for anyone attracted to a caregiver type who just can't cut the cord to their needy intentionally incompetent family. Run the other way because their screwed up family will always take precedence over the relationship. Nothing worse than a person who cannot set reasonable priorities.
Very accurate explaination\good video:). I have a mother who has a serious hoarding problem in her home. When i refused to clean her house by myself, she just stopped speaking to me completely. Just one example of many.
I actually unsubscribed for about 6 weeks so that I could heal from my leaving my narcissistic mother by reducing how much time I was spending watching videos about narcissists and ruminating about the relationship. Now that I am feeling so much better, I resubscribed because you are so fascinating to listen to. I know you are talking to the camera but your videos have become good company for me because it often feels like you understand what I am going through more than anyone else in my life right now. Thank you for the videos.
I was the scapegoat growing up and now handmaid. I still feel hated.
Don't feel bad, my mentally ill narcissitic family is all I have left becuz I never married or had children. All I have is a dog. I thank God for her daily and am still hopeful of finding a loving hubby.
They do hate you. They hate that they need you more than you need them, so they'll work to convince you of the opposite. Don't believe it. You can break free.
I love you. I love all of you guys that stand up for righteousness against a nasty sadistic, cruel world. I wish you were my neighbor, boss,etc.
@@MD-vb1hq well said!
@@nunyabidness4946 I love you, too!💖 I completely agree with you! May we continue to be the loving individuals we are and maybe, someday, that will spread as fast as this virus did. And may we learn to completely love the child within us that may have not gotten the love and care they deserved growing up. Much love and healing to all.
Thank you Dr Ramani. There are many videos on narcissists but no one is as clear a communicator as you. You are simply quite amazing. Not many people like you.
In my household, I was the assistant handmaid to my codependent mom who has vulnerable Narc tendencies. Father was a Narc drug addict.
I have always found reading The Handmaid’s Tale very painful but it took a long time to understand the sense of suffocation it brought. I was made responsible for my mother from tiny ‘look after your mother’ being my job for as long back as I can remember. I was handmaid and scapegoat. My earliest memory is aged three having to smile through an injection to avoid frightening my little sister and making her cry because ‘that would upset your mother’. I was always the ‘helper’, parentified to protect my father from my mother too.
They moved continents when I was 19 and this partially saved me, but it’s only in the last decade that I have stopped reacting to their demands in their crisis (always at my time and expense which was never insignificant given the distance and travel needed). I have only recently woken up to the absolute truth of my mother’s covert narcissism, having been maliciously attacked by her throughout every major life crisis of my own, but during the last major crisis five years ago I finally saw the truth and am now free. It’s painful but so worth it to just walk away!
I am wondering about the connection to image and narcissists. Narcissists I have met are obsessed with exercise, plastic surgery, beauty, and may even have eating disorders to control their image. I mean, this makes sense, but I would like more information about the red flags. Is this a trend?
this should be the next topic because this is a thing with them.
Yes and if you give them a reality check on their ageing looks because you're sick of hearing how they missed their chance on Broadway it might to the narc injury that breaks the narc's mirror! Covert mom hasn't seen the golden child gone copper in 50 months nor the other 2. She's waiting for a place out of detox to go onto long term care later, if I never see her again it would be too soon.
Thé narcs are superficiel and dumb so they do not care about the intellectuel world nor about what is inside. Also the narcs think that if they fix the outside and they are wanted in society then the inside is ok. Or because they do not want to fix their inside and aknowledge any responsibility or fault or change they try to only fix the outside. They are surely deranged individuals
I was obsessed with my weight but my Narc Dad told me I was getting fat at 17 when I was 5’4” and 108lbs. I think for me the obsession was about control. I had to be a mini mom and handle adult responsibilities from age 6 on. I had no choices.
Wow, this was a really important piece of the puzzle for me. As an only child, I've been every role at some point and idealized an "out" by participating in the roles. And the "hand-maiden" is exactly who I needed to be for my parents. My parents are hoarders and have never incorporated cleaning into their routine. This translated into me, constantly trying to clean for them, then to try to declutter everything to even be able to have space to have friends over, to becoming a complete hand-maiden perfectionist where it was a constant uphill battle to fight against the "hoard" just to even have space to cook or do anything. (On that note, I would really love if you can see the correlation between hoarding and narcissism, because I've been noticing a huge correlation). Then, my struggle with trying to clean broke my body, mind. I got to the point where I realized my entire life has been halted and stunted by constantly trying to take care of my parent's stuff. Metaphorically and literally. And when I was finally moving out, I had no help. In fact, my parents wanted to keep me cleaning up after them. My dad still tries to incentivize me to come back and clean for them. So, I really feel that pull to take care of my parents in that way, and feel so much guilt and shame for ever having lived that way, and for abandoning them to be swallowed by their own clutter. And then, I come home to see my room consumed as well. It really just shakes me to my core how much I have given of myself and how little I have been seen, validated, or given relief in return. I AM doing better though. But I really would love to hear your opinion about hoarding and if you can also see a connection to narcissism. Thank you, your videos get me through extremely confusing/conflicting instincts.
I’m hearing my life explained. I escaped for only 3 years. Then with death of my father my mother just moved into my house and never left until her health forced her to leave my hone when I was in my 50’s. I never understood, I was still always not enough. It has impacted my other relationships. Last FT job I had an extremely abusive boss. So much like my mother.
Colleen Brandt Hugs
I'm so sorry that so much of your energy was taken up with these people...I hope you find some of the wonderful, warm safe people as friends and "chosen family." It takes some searching sometimes, but they are out there!
Thank you so so much Dr. Ramani for helping me through one of the toughest times in my life. My mother is a covert narcissist and had been all my life but I grew up in a culture that basically told me to worship my mother which made for the fine excuse of dismissing her toxic behavior. It only took me having my own daughter in February and the pandemic for me to start to separate myself from her toxic web. Your videos have been my sanity in all of it. When I'm about to cave to make a phone call to her "just to talk" I watch your videos and remember all the times I just "talked" to my mother thinking I could open to her, but only to have my hopes, dreams, and aspirations crushed by her toxic behavior. Thank you for helping me heal and helping recognize the toxic cycle so that I can break it and be a better mother to my daughter.
OMG this title so spot on!!!! I was a handmaid, lady in waiting and doormat for years. So glad the nightmare is over now.
Definitely was the hand maid for my narc mother. I remember asking her when I was young, if she had kids so that she’d have cheap labour. ( I guess I always knew the reality) When I finally backed off years later, and stuck to a boundary, she informed me that I would be nothing if not for all her sacrifices and that she owned me and I owed her. On the rare occasion that I waffle on my decision to go “NO Contact” and think about calling her, all I have to do is remember her last visit. Hell NO!
This is my mother in law. Her father abandoned the family, her mother worked her fingers to the bone, and she, as the oldest daughter, was left to cook, clean, and take care of her siblings, including her sister with cerebral palsy. She’s STILL exhausted from it and she’s in her 70s!
Bitchen Boutique, She sounds like a very responsible person, but there can come a time when the fatigue is too great to keep it up, and then maybe you need to see if someone can help you.
That's interesting. Still exhausted from it. What do you mean by that? I'm interested because I'm wondering if that feeling is the feeling that I've been feeling for the past few years. Still exhausted from the suffering I went through in my childhood and teens
Ms. Beerus I am also still exhausted and I am 53. I was raised my brother who was born when I was 8 and took the responsibility for my sister who was 2 years younger than me. The word took is not the right one, my mother gave that responsibility to me. After years I married another narc, my ex. He get also sick after our marriage and for 3 years he spend the most time in bed. And guess what, he didn’t want to go to the doctor. I was working and doing everything in the house. I realised that in both cases they left all the responsibilities and all the work to me. I am tired all the time, I can’t work for 8 hours. And guess again, nobody is helping me. I am thinking that all the doing all these years was too much, my battery got empty
@@fluffypinkglitterwingz8082 The reason you COULD be exhausted is because you an empath/HSP (HIghly Sensitive Person) . They take on the energy of the narc and become an energetic sponge for toxic people. Check it out on UA-cam. I had the same problem, and had to go to somebody who specialized in getting rid of energy that wasn't mine.
@@fluffypinkglitterwingz8082 Narcissistic abuse can lead to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
The only true relationship between the narc and the victim:owner and the amid.
Yes , we don’t realize initially
It is a slow but suddenly realize that your just maid cook etc
Black Weirdo saying that it takes two to tango to a victim of narcissistic abuse, or any abuse, is pretty inconsiderate of you. Only a narcissist who victim blames would say that it takes two to tango in this situation. Even if you once were held back by a narcissist and managed to break free, you should understand others who still are in the position you once were and should know how long it takes to realize the farce the narcissist has set up to play you. You have no right to be coming to this thread talking like that
Alpha Notmale, no one here has blamed any victims of narcissistic abuse. Adults can be taught to uphold adult standards. The lesson that "it takes two to tango" is true in many cases and it demonstrates how victims of narcissistic abuse (not including children) sometimes enable the abuse by choosing to stay in a toxic relationship. Teaching (adult) victims of narcissistic abuse that they have options other than remaining is not something a narcissist would do. And even Dr. Ramani said in this video that handmaids can get their sense of identity and doing good for others by being handmaids.
Don't dismiss male perspectives and interpretations. Men understand phrases like "It takes two to tango". Then again, men are blamed and shamed for being the victim of anything. You might wanna check your privilege. This is not a women-only space. And I don't see you telling off other comments saying how glad they were to get out of the situation of being a handmaid. Those women knew there would be no tango left for the narcissist they left behind, breaking the cycle of the abuse they received.
Daniel Kaiser Wow! You’re really good at gaslighting, aren’t you? Look at you! Way to take the truths that Dr. Ramani said and pull them out of context to twist them and throw them back at me and all the other eight people that agreed with the reality I pointed out! And as if that’s not enough, you pull the reversed gender card as if anybody had said anything about gender, or as if narcissism or “two to tango” had anything to do with gender!!! So let me ask you something: If you have been a victim of narcissism yourself, Why are you so adamantly defending that person’s “two to tango” invalidating comment? As a victim of narcissism you surely are forgetting that narcissists hijack you mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even financially, and unless you do snap out of that hijacking, your power of decision as a victim is always under the control of the narcissist/abuser regardless of your age or gender! Tell a person whose finances are cut by the narcissist that it takes two to tango, and let me know how that person takes it. Say that it takes two to tango to a person from whom the narcissist just took the house keys to keep them imprisoned, and let me know how that goes (be it a parent, a caregiver, or a spouse). It gives the impression that if you truly are a victim of narcissistic abuse, chances are you have acquired pretty hefty “narcissistic fleas” from your narcissist, OR you are a narcissist yourself, because you do realize that narcissists can be victims of other narcissists, right?
Oh and one last thing, don’t bother replying, because I have disabled the notifications to your future replies so I won’t have to waste my time with your narcissist enabling comments
..Bipasha Basu in Jism,Aruna Irani in Beta and Arbaaz Khan in Daraar are some examples of NPD characters shown on silver screen.
I feel like I'm an adult handmaid now; but as a child I always tried to stay the invisible kid. What happened? My narcissistic dad let the weight and drinking (which were already bad when I was a kid, but not unmanageable) get out of control. Today he is nearing 600lbs and drinks every night. He can't walk upstairs without help, and he needs constant medical attention at home. He doesn't get plastered when he drinks or anything, but he can be incredibly demanding, and if you are asked to do something and you say no/do it wrong... expect some sort of argument, whining, or retaliation. I feel like I can't just let him suffer.... he's my dad! But I also feel like growing up, he never cared about me or my emotional needs; and now that I'm 25, still living at home, Unemployed, and dealing with my own drinking/body issues, he feels he has complete control over me. I have become the butler, out of fear that that is all I'm good at, and if I try to be anything else I'll end up alone and worthless.
You’re still so young! Get out now otherwise the next five years will go by like that and you’ll be even more depressed when you’re 30 in the same situation. My brother is still living with my alcoholic father, he’s 32 and each year it gets harder to leave. He has given up at this point and very depressed but I’ve told him for many years to get out, go to school or get a job. His reasoning was always “why work a poorly paid job and spend all the income on bus fare” Come on! It’s your life!! Get OSAP! (govt $ for college) Do something you love! The fact you are aware of this at 25 is a really good sign. And yes when you start becoming successful he won’t be happy. As I became more secure and happy (ended an unhappy engagement, sold my house, quit my job of ten years, moved etc) my parents became enraged. It became a meter reader of sorts. Get your own place, get a cat, job a plant to water. All we need are the simple things in life. These people make everything super complicated. Good Luck my friend!!
Call social services (or ar least the ambulance) to come get him. He needs medical attention you can not provide. Wishing you a happy, free life. X
I'm going with Fern's idea, he needs professional medical care. Social services would be able to answer your questions. He may benefit from an assisted living center, for example. You can't help him the way he needs, and you need to focus on your life. The living situation doesn't sound God for either of you, and he will be better off with people who are trained to help him. Best wishes.
You. Are. Worthy.
Get on antidepressants, find a therapist and get out of that house. Call social services and let them help him. You are NOT DOOMED, but you have got to take action and get out. Love you, dear.
Get him on My 600 pound Life. Dr. Now will take care of him!
Wow! That is my husband! I was the invisible child and he was the hand maden child. We ran away together and created our own life! This information you present is so helpful! Thank you!💖
I was to take care of my blind grandmother when I was 6. I was also made to cook , and clean for my parents and my older brother, and when I wouldn't or didn't do what was expected I was the scapegoat
I hope your life is better now and that you are out of that environment. I'm hoping that you are taking care of yourself these days, but you know what else? I think you might benefit from doing things these days that you didn't get to do as a child. Just whenever you get a chance and it feels right. Literally anything you think is fun and it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. Maybe, color in a coloring book or paint a simple picture. See if you can get a friend or two to join you. Maybe take a field trip to a local museum, or nature park, or amusement park, or music or art festival, again with friends. Take a fun course at a vocational school with a friend if it's not too expensive. Join local clubs. Learn a new hobby. Play a couple pranks on people for laughs. Anything at all that might bring a smile to your face and create golden memories, that you might have also enjoyed as a child. You have an inner child who needs your love and protection, and caring for your inner child's needs can be beneficial for you as an adult. Except you get to do it the right way as an adult, mothering and fathering yourself the way you needed as a child. May you find warmth and peace and healing in your life.
No. That would have implied in some way, the parents were less than or incapable. In fact, anyone trying to do something for them, was lashed out at. How dare anyone think, they were needed!
I grew up the scapegoat- constantly reminded that I wasn't wanted. They only wanted 4 and then I came along. Compared to my Golden child sister, I was never enough or good enough, no matter what I achieved. After my dad died, I became my mom's handmaid. After being a single parent for 13 years, I married my narcissistic husband at the age of 45. Everything came to a head on 21st December 2017 when I stood up to my abusive husband, who gave me an ultimatum to go onto meds because I didn't like the fact that he kicked me or he would leave me at home for my much needed Christmas holidays in Cape Town. Less than an hour after I phoned to tell my mom that I couldn't go because my marriage was in such a crisis, providing details, she climbed into his car and drove with him to Cape Town. They got home on 29th December and were both horrified to hear that I wanted a divorce. That's when the smear campaign began...
Now 65 I am completely alone in the world. I am sitting in the wrecked caravan that is my home and I am finally not even tempted to try and win people over. No one to use me as a football then say I am "too sensitive". No one to undermine me and steal from me. I finally learned to "stick my fingers in my ears", and just be myself. I finally get the childhood I was denied. I am myself, and it feels good. My biggest fear was ending up alone and now it is all I want. I am finally not tolerating bullies any more.
Yep, I realize I was a handmaid to my mother, too. I was cleaning up after my two messy brothers, because she wasn't able to control them and make them clean up their own mess. I didn't want to do it, but she whined and somehow made me, always stating "I can't, I can't". Poor you... But she also had a lof of help from other family members during the tough times after my father died. Some days ago we talked about some troube I used to have at a former job (another narcissist got hold of me there) and she said, she didn't know how much I can take, she used to call me overly sensitive. At the same moment she called herself a very resilient person. That triggered me and I told her, that I didn't think so which how much she burdened on me and on everyone else and that she didn't support me emotionally at all. This was not the first time I told her, but she only would deflect and cry and wallow in self pity about how tough she had it, blabla.
This time she only said "acknowledged". I guess I made some progress?
Poor you hon, get away, she'll worsen with age, it's just so much unneeded drama, she's gonna keep being toxic and wearing you down.
Same
I was a handmaid without knowing.
My parents bossed everybody around.
But when my little sister and my sisters in law started to boss me around than I realised. I thought I was just helpful and and expected a thank you. Then I realized that not only was I taken for granted but they also prevented my brothers from helping me. And they didn't need much discouragement to begin with.
So we are not helping each other I am the handmaid.
I went no contact when understood what was going on. It still hurts
Saida Agourram Hugs
Not sure if my parent was borderline or narcissist, but this is me. EXACTLY. I never even heard of it before.,Thank you Dr!
Before I watched this video, I had this memory yesterday. When I was 8, my parents went on a weekend canoeing trip. They left me with my 5 year old sister and 1 year old sister. I was so proud of myself for taking care of the household while they were gone (and frankly it was more peaceful without them there.) But my 8 year old friends came over to play and at one point locked me out of my house as a joke. I still remember that feeling of utter powerless, rage, and anxiety that my 8 year old friends would put my younger sisters in danger like that. They let me back in. All was well. I am super responsible and took care of everything. At the age of 47, for the first time, instead of pride, I thought, wow! what parent leaves an 8 year old alone with two younger kids for the weekend?
I was the protector of my siblings from my stepfather. My youngest half sister has all his worst traits. She is absolutely frightening. 😥
💔😢 My heart goes out for you 🥺💓
My father called me "the red headed stepchild" or Cinderella. I was mowing the grass, push mower in 6thgrade and dusted and cleaned every week end with my father watching and my mother reading the paper. The golden child was in her room reading Nancy drew. I ran away at 17 into eventually at 21 did 23 years hard time on my covert narcs hobby farm. I bailed hay, castrated pigs....you name it while working a 40 hour job. At 65 and single since 2004. Lonely but realize I will never recover....it is the life I was born in.
@Lia N. Gkasouka thank you dear. Have a beautiful narc free day!
The future is wide open.
Thank you. I'll share this with my friend who experienced this with her family growing up, and now her children. She's slowly beginning to realize the impact of narcissism on her life.
I remember my mother telling me to wash the dishes and me putting a chair up against the sink because I was too short to reach the faucets. The rest is history.
I legitimately thought all parents did this.
The child could burn themselves with hot water. They could fall off the chair. They could break a glass and cut themself. Children need supervision for safety. I’m so sorry Dondrie.
Same here.