The hardest part is thinking about all your memories together, all the times you looked at them and thought how much you love them… and then getting out and having to accept that they never loved you at all.
I'm going through that same thought process over my soon to be ex wife. She told me during our marriage she wasn't sure she loved me then would say it was her anxiety/depression talking. Once she left and I decided divorce was what was needed, she started telling me how she never wanted to marry or even date and that this was all my fault for asking her to marry me sooner than she wanted.
I feel like I left a cult but the cult leader...my ex will not leave. I ruminate why didn't I leave earlier....I knew right away I should not be with him. I am constantly over thinking and ruminating most of the last 10 years when I have planned to leave and he manipulated and my daughter, pity card, suicide, depression, I have no where to go, I will never see my daughter... I which I had said not my problem and left. 😊
@@deannelamirande432 oh yes! you feel empty without them, you can't find anything that completes you. Like cults, you are more of a threat when you leave than staying with them forever bc you're no longer their puppet. My covert narc ex finds ways to lure me back unfortunately it happened a lot but it's the trauma bond we def don't want!
I keep ruminating about why I ignored all those red flags during the loveboming and all the lies I believed. I lost nearly everything and I still ruminate about it all every single day. My friends are tired of hearing about it so I'm in therapy now. I hope it helps me. I survived 13 years of living hell with my narc ex and his family.
I catch myself doing it at times. Was in a relationship with the narcissists for over 35 years & now out of it for over 12 years. I always waited for things to change & they didn't. I now ruminate over why I stayed so long & gave up so much. It's hard. Definitely feel I punish myself with my thoughts. I thank God for every day I don't think about the past & pray for better tomorrows.
I am hoping to get where you are, anger is a biggy, and I think towards myself, as i keep thinking, how did I not see these signs so I feel so darn stupid!
I hope you find that inner peace. Watching educational videos like this has helped me greatly. I’ve worked on my physical health and worked on my emotional response for when I inevitably encounter the narcissist. The healing process will make you stronger.
Then there's the wonderful "What if I'm actually the narcissist , and I'm just projecting all of this onto them?" My psychologist reassured me when I talked to them, that a narcissist wouldn't have the self awareness to have that thought in the first place.
@@achanonymous That keeps popping up for me, too. I had to realize that many of us have SOME narcissistic behaviors. It's human. And then there are the behaviors we pick up from the narcissistic abuser to try to defend ourselves. Heck, I was raised by a malignant narcissist and then married a series of them. That's going to twist your brain. But I have a strong conviction that what can be learned and then admitted can be unlearned and retrained for a normal person with empathy, humility, and caring for self and others.
Daphne McEldowney I have had that thought also.. can be so confusing. My father also has narcissistic traits. And have had couple of relationships with very controlling abusive men. Of course they tell me it’s my fault.learning to love myself and take care of myself. I never want to be in another relationship like that again
Ruminating over “why did they hate me so much?” “What was it about me that they didn’t like me, but they love his ex?” “ I wouldn’t even do that to someone I didn’t like!” “What are they going to do to me next?” “What plan do they have up their sleeve this time?” It truly is traumatizing. Prayers and love to anyone healing from this abuse!
Wow…same here….same exact things I think and say…my spouse bashes me for it, saying I’m dwelling, or investing too much energy in it….it makes me mad when he says that cause I then feel like a failure AGAIN!!!!
Being with a narcissist is one of the most painful and dreadful thing to ever to happen to me. I wouldn't wish this even on my worst enemy. If they've left you,you won.
There IS actually a thing that is worse. Being a self-aware malignant narcissist like myself... I'm not here to make anyone feel pity for me. I am here to say: you did the right thing. Run and keep avoiding us. We don't change
Wrong!! The worst is having a daughter with one and having her use your child as bait to torment you further..... Never allows to access your child without hefty consequences and you literally watch her poison and prepare your daughter to be like her
I wish it felt like a win. I hate him, but I love him. I struggle with accepting no matter what I say, do ask or change he will always be the way he is. I also feel he did change got the new person. Ive seen them out at events funnily enought that I went to in order to try and get him off my mind. They were kissing and hugging. He took the new guy for a week in California, to both pride festivals that when I asked him if he was going he didn't ask me to go, he told me he had two friends coming from Orlando going with him ant staying the weekend. He was lieing and it was the new guy. It's obvious I am just too ugly and fat to be considered by anyone for other than sneaking over at night. Im not insta worthy as they say. I AM OVER my shit life.
I think ur response was insensitive and slightly rude. You claim having a kid was worse but u don't know what the person u msg'd lost. Was ur pain worse cause u are a 'mother' 🙄 Also u made the crazy choice to get pregnant and have a child with one... So the whole whoa is me my plight is worse than yrs thing... Is just distasteful
Agreed. Like how did he get away with everything he did and just move on like I was nothing, and said I made him feel like nothing and like garbage because I wanted to block him.
I was in same position but then I learnt that it's unfixable issue and justice won't fix it either... I chose mental peace over justice and started to work on boundarie instead... you can never win against a lier and can only get more and more hurt. If your mental peace means more to you than getting justice, please don't waste your time and energy fighting for justice.... Instead invest in self-love and boundaries... your happiness and success would be the best revenge
The sting of injustice is hard to carry. I’m sorry you are going through it. In therapy it helped me to play the ending of situations that I wish had happened. If it’s violent, you can do this in a video game. There are other ways such as to write it out, act it out, draw, dance, cook. Whatever it was, be aware that the world knows that you didn’t deserve it.
"He was just so mean. He was so mean that I don't really want to admit how mean he was...because when I admit it, I have to admit that I built a complete illusion around and about him- and that makes me feel so...stupid, naive, scared and wounded."
Mine was also! You weren’t stupid at all, you are strong and the illusion we made about them was what we wanted or wish they were to be. I’ve gone back from leaving and trust me, it just gets worst! I was hit, slapped, he press the gas heading towards me in an empty parking lot because he wanted me in the car. NO. Your not stupid. We make mistakes, I hope you’d healing journey is a smooth one.
Left a 2.5 year relationship with narcissistic abuse. I packed up and moved to a new city all on my own. I’m processing a lot but getting better each day. I’ve ruminated about the ‘good’ memories but they’re overshadowed by all the bad ones. The rage, gaslighting, violence, devaluation. I’m strong and getting through it. It feels so good to be free!
Agree 100% My last discussion/argument ended with her saying "well, you must have done something to tick me off then". No apology, no empathy, no admission of guilt, no understanding, just the same end result as always---she has to win, no matter what
My husband is a Nars can't seem to get out it makes him angrier and more abusive my every instinct says get out I have many fears they are mentally and emotionally disable me don't know what to do have no means of a way out and their means of support very disabling I have health issues and that doesn't seem to matter
@@afterdroid my husband said the EXACT same thing when I finally confronted him about some of the most horrible things he did to me. His response was, well you must've done something to make me do it. 😡 You CANNOT win with these people.
My ex did change patterns. As I learned to set boundaries and to ignore baiting, she started to use our child as a tool in her abusive behaviour towards me. 😮. That change, effectively made me instantly lose all care and concern for her as a person and dissolved any desire I had to continue to work on the relationship. I didn't think she was capable of that until she started doing it. Had I known she was capable of such behaviour, I would have never had a child with her, never married her and never dated her. It doesn't matter if she suddenly gets an epiphany and changes to improve herself. Doing it once (twice, three or four) time/s is terminal. It can't be undone. I can't call such a human being my partner or spouse. I don't even want to be friends with any human being that does that. She's been doing this for only about a year now. She did change, but for the worse. When I cut out all avenues for abuse, I can't ever cut out my child. It remains a constant avenue that she utilizes regularly. It's the only channel remaining.
@@avibhagan her pattern didn’t change the family dynamic did. And as most narcissist do, she used what she knows you hold near and dear to you, believe me it was not the pattern.
@@avibhaganmy ex got a new gf just to tell me how great she is with kids even though that was what I was…and both of them take my son during their time as if they are God’s gift. The psychological games they play are sickening yet too subtle for court. Although the first one should have been obvious when they had a kid and never told me and read my love letter as if I had known about it which ofc I didn’t. It is what it is. While this is happening I’m getting a new degree and rebuilding my life so when the time comes we can all make healthier choices. If that means moving to a better state so be it. If it just means I have peace and money to travel that is great too. I don’t want to be the wedge between but I see the abuse that my child endures and has sadly become immune to almost. They took fifty percent of my child’s time with me to spite me bc all they do is laugh at him or drop him off at new supply’s mother in law. I had to let go of that fifty percent and trust that God would make it up to me. He did. I am disabled yet still had another baby boy who is now six. Ofc no kid is replaceable and I say this just with the awareness and gratitude that things are not horrible - I just miss my son. He will be back tomorrow eve and my depression will lift until Sunday comes around again ❤ In the end I know he is glad to know his dad and this design ultimately was never up to me and my bitterness and it’s not up to my ex. For the most part I think my son has a great childhood and two families to learn from.
Craig, THIS one is particularly hard for me to get through my sunshiney head. Recently a friend told me she’s not very nice and I responded “I think you are”. Wtf? Why do o have to say anything OR at the very least, “I’m sorry for you” or “why do you think that is” Got some consciousness raising to do on this!! 💪🏼
@@thetravellingberry8041 Ya'll: What I take away from this video is that : w e d i d n o t k n o w ! We did not know that this type of person existed! We know how to spot drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles, rapists, domestic violence, etc. but we really didn't know how to look for the signs of a narc. DON'T beat yourself up! They already did that to your heart & soul. BUT NOW YOU KNOW THEY EXIST~ you won't be fooled again! CHIN UP!
bingo, angry that I let her treat me like a doormat, unloved, treated like shit.... I ruminate but I also challenge myself and think thank god I got out and didn't buy a new house for us to move in together with her 3 kids, I ended it and glad I did but yes I ruminate still but its only been 10 days since I ended it and still no regrets I left...good riddance . actually, one regret , I got very attached to her kids, I will miss them, whereas she never bothered with my son or older daughter, no surprise
In my experience, rumination will likely reappear even after you feel like you've healed. Acknowledge it, but keep it under control- my technique was to assign 5 definitive reasons why I'm glad the relationship is over. Make a fist, extend a finger each time you list off one of these 5 reasons so that when you're done your hand is open and you can "let it go." Helped me a lot. Also, I like to assign the most painful/pervasive reason to the middle finger :)
I love this!! I grew up with a narc sister and can’t stop imagining who I might have become. Your method will help me see the good qualities I have because of the pain I’ve endured. Thank you so much!!
It's so hard to forget the cruelty and how so much of your life has been spent just trying to survive wasting away what could have been a more happier and positive life, that is what eats me, the sheer waste of what otherwise could have been a decent life but being persecuted to the edge of existence by an odious creature who only wants to destroy you in every way. 30 years of nastiness is a bitter pill to have to swallow. 'The creature' died last year, I was so relieved!!! 30 years too late, but then he was very lazy!!I still feel angry about it all, frustrated with myself for thinking about the horrible creature. Motivation I find difficult at times to do things, but realise mulling over it all won't change anything. Time heals so they say, but don't know, we'll see. Good thoughts for you too.
Known my ex since elementary school and after years of a very intimate relationship, we broke it off and went our separate ways one night without a hug or even saying goodbye… no closure is the hardest thing ever but I try to remind myself that no narcissist will allow you to get closure, that’s the last thing they want for you
I agree about the ruminating. I also struggled with the ‘no closure’ until I spoke to a friend who said that even some non-toxic relationships sometimes end without closure. It made me consider that many relationships can end badly & not just toxic ones, that helped me. For me the hardest part has been accepting that the love was fake, so hard to understand that, just crazy behaviour. Narcissists are so complex & it really is very hard to understand their mindset. Good luck with your journey, stay strong 🙂
I'm so sorry for your pain Philippa. I can certainly understand how you feel. I too feel angry and can't get out of the thought loops. It is horrible. You are not alone it's clear many people have experienced these horrors. I wish you well and hope time will heal at least some of the wounds. Indifference is a wonderful thing. You have, in my opinion cared too much. Time to care for you. @@philippaferguson1327
Break-ups are one thing, what a narcissist does to you is another, the wound(s) are so deep without closure. You are left adrift still loving them. Ruminating has been a major issue for me, so glad to come across video and the comments. Thankyou Dr. Ramani.
This! Leaving some wounds without closure just so they can squeeze themselves back into your life whenever they choose. I’ve daydream or ruminated about him changing for the next person and his kids. But this is what he does, cheats, victimizes to get sympathy of the new person, makes a family (involving children), destroys what he has build by breadcrumbing, then heads off to live his own life and plays the cool uncle to his kids. I have kept arguing with him just for him to care about how his actions have affected everyone around him. I’m done saying anything now, he still triggers me bc we have a child that we should be taking care of together but of course it’s just me. Now I’m just ready to keep raising my daughter on my own. I got lawyers involved bc I got tired with him acting like I’m separating him from her when the reality is that he’s done and still doing all that on his own.
“Maybe he’s not a narcissist” “Maybe I’m the narcissist” “He’s probably changed for new supply, now he’s happy” “Why doesn’t he miss me at all??!” “When I called him out, maybe I was too mean and cruel”
I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back
@@kyrazimmerman22 I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back.,
My rumination changed a lot. Now I’m more thinking about: “How could I let this happen? How could I let them be so bad to me? Why didn’t I notice the signs of how this person really was? What can I do so I won’t get into this cycle again?” In hindsight, I noticed slow dominance-building actions, slow pushing of the limits until it suddenly was very weird and under their control…
This could be my story. Mine got weird too and when I started saying no he just stopped coming home for days, saying it was my fault, I made him feel bad and that he didn't have to answer tome! We were married!?! Wt.....
I always think I could have done something differently. No matter what I’ve resolved to be gentle in my healthy relationships. No one deserves to be treated this way. Horrible suffering is caused.
I ruminated for years, now I just repeat to myself “ they are sick” this helps me to depersonalise it all as much a possible and allows some breathing room. The key is also to NEVER let your empathetic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not emotions
Yes,this is a crucial piece of advice for me. : Never let you empathic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not in your emotions. Thankyou,I'm writing this down and I'm gonna read this every single day and as often as I can.
7.33am here and been up all night 'ruminating' as usual, I am now going to say 'They are sick' every time my mind tries to wander back, see how it goes. Thanks for the advice and wishing much love and happiness to all for 2022.
@@stevenhowe6677 I hope it works for you, it definitely did for me and thanks for the reminder because I stopped for a while and it made me ruminate more. I’ll be joining you once again. It’s a process you’ll be ok in the end, keep up the good fight
What boggles my mind these days is..."who was this person, really?", "did they choose their personality traits to impress me?", "did they even mean any of those things?", "was this even a real person...AT ALL??? or are they just an empty shell who pretends ALL THE TIME?"
And how did they figure out what to say to make it seem like we had the same value or interest. How did they know so much of my likes and dreams!? Was I really that easy to read?
@@lindseysmith6309 They expended their lives observing preys and ways of hunting. A lifelong career before they met you and you probably trusted them and tell them about your needs and failures. Even if you don't tell them, they are good at reading people's desires and needs. Don't punish yourself.
An empty shell the person u fell in love with was yourself because they present as u as everything u are and u stand for there is no them the they that they are is who u see towards the end something empty and dark
Oh this this THIS!!!! Why did I still marry him when there were so many red flags? How could I let so many things slide that were so against what I felt and believed? Now that we are no longer together I ruminate on how much he is doing for his new wife, things he never did with me. I wonder why he's doing those things with her family when he used to avoid my family!? I wonder if he's intimate with her or whether he married her because she has zero desire for kids? I wonder how long it will take for him to show his real side to her. I think most of all I worry that it was me all along that was the problem because he seems really happy with his new wife and I'm still struggling. I ruminate on all the things he said I was over-reacting to when we were together, things that were attacks on my very centre of being. He still does veiled attacks and pulls the "that's not what I meant" when I mention them. It is so difficult to be attacked this way through the kids we have together.
DariannaPlays Yeah, that’s pretty true for me too. I always thought it was me. Because “he’s such a “good” guy. In a way his gift to me was he changed from covert to overt when he saw he was losing control. It was shocking to see the “truth”. But it helped me realize that all those inklings i had were right. I DIDNT make it up
Stop beating yourself up ! Fact is you're not stupid in any way, shape or form KNOW THAT in your soul ! not your fault you were preyed upon by a piece of shit ( a narcissist is a master of emotional manipulation ) They prey on decent innocent, moral and good people like you ( and me 🙄) thought I was stupid too until I realised it had nothing to do with my " intelligence" Some of the most intelligent people on this planet have been played by those scumbags Don't take it personal just learn from it Trust me it's a blessing in disguise because now you'll be able to spot them a mile away and know what to avoid in future relationships . Never look back , they're not worth it, look forward, great things are coming your way, if you do that 👍 Btw trust me your ex isn't " happy ' in his " new life" He just found another victim who in time, will realise she's been played too Pity the poor woman she for sure ,is suffering already as I write this comment Of course your the last person she will tell ( that's just ego and shame on her side, poor woman ) Smile 😇
I’ve blocked my ex, I feel calm I’m not ruminating because knowing that he didn’t care helps me move towards healing. But I do feel like I’m having withdrawals from the high. Be strong everyone!
Hi can I dm you? I'm right after a break up he's been cheating on me for last months,each month with a new person. So minimum 6 girls. You seem like someone confident who could make me feel a little stronger. Please
I once read a very good book about leaving an abusive relationship, or being abandoned by an abuser and how we obsess and ruminate endlessly as we spiral down into worsening depression. The book advised to try an exercise where we only allow ourselves 15 minutes a day to obsess, then we have to force ourselves to think about something else , do something else.......I tried it and it was hard at first but in time it began to work. I did my 15 minutes a day, then I went to the gym. Or read a good book. Or tried new recipes - I was a single mother with teenagers to feed. I took up tennis lessons on Saturday mornings. I got a part time job. I began doing things I had never dreamed of doing - I trained as a Samaritans volunteer and loved it, loved helping others who had far worse problems. After a while I found the 15 minutes a day obsessing burdensome and took up too much time. I had moved on.........and I was OK.
1- Distract with things that are meaningful or pleasurable 2- Practice Mindfulness 3- Deep slow breathing 4- Make an ick list - all the bad thing that have happened or continue to happen in your relationship 5- Joyful defiance- do all the things the narcissist told you not to do, mini rebellion
Thank you for that list - assume your wisdom was gained the hard way .... I'm currrently still trapped and finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry and bitter all the time - will try writing it down on the ick list then moving straight on to the other items!
Reading this just put me in tears. It was so easy for my wife to have an affair, I took her back it was easy for to move on very fast every argument that we had she would find a reason to blame me for her affair after taking her back I tried to please her for two more years, hoping that she will be fixed. I collected a settlement and she took some money and left and moved a couple of blocks away from me it’s been three months since she’s been gone and she’s been trying to connect with me. And I’ve been trying to protect my heart and not engage, but it hurts to see her move on in just two months. With someone else on and we’ve been together for 15 years it is so difficult not to keep in contact with a narcissist when you have a child with them and it’s even hard to see that you’re easily replaced in two months This is a pain I wish nobody would face.
@@AryaManIndia I've been there a half year ago and i live like hell. yet trus me, YOU CAN DO IT! I manage to walk out slowly from the day i block him on my every social media. I gain my peace a lot. With the help of psychology and spiritual healing, i'm much more better now. Good luck everyone.
Same here too....I just want to break the cycle. I don't know what's worse....ruminating when I was with him....with all of his cheating. Or ruminating now that I am away from him....
@@JM-dv3zn Absolutely! The ruminating and stress during was horrible! I developed fibromyalgia because of it. We will get there!!! Slowly but surely. Love and strength to you 💜
The ruminating was a special kind of torture. It was sickening, scary, I felt absolutely out of control. I was trying to process logically what the heck was going on in that and other narcissist relationships. Night and day it was constant and blocked me from getting stuff done that I needed to be taking care of. Even now the thought of how that crap was controlling my life was horrific. I did a lot of what was suggested and also tried to find some good in everyday. I tried to laugh as much as I could by watching funny shows, laughing with people I talked to. I was amazed when I actually did find something funny because it made me realize I could laugh. I started getting my creativity back. Once that opened up again I went hog wild with ideas. I focus on being grateful for everything I can think of. Grateful for a little cup of coffee, sitting outside for even 2 minutes listening to birds, feel the breeze, see the sun come up. Being in MY moment. Being future minded now for me. I keep trying to educate myself on the narcissist behavior because I never had a name for the behaviors I had experienced in those relationships. But if it draws me back I take a break, do my stuff and try to keep above it.❤🎉❤🎉❤
All these comments helping so much because I’m like am I the narcissist. She was good, I have to give it to her but thanks be to god I now see clearly and can move on. We’ll never get off the break because she sick
All of these. “There is something wrong with me.” “If I had not gotten angry about the cheating, he would have changed.” “I ruined this relationship by being emotional about what was happening.” “Maybe if we get back together, it will be better.” “Maybe I’m too demanding or hard to please.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “I ruined everything it was all my fault.” “Maybe as long as there wasn’t intercourse this time it’s not really cheating.” “Maybe I need to be more open minded.”
yeah, because we tend to judge people according to how we ourselves feel. I had this thing too. The fairy tale they create is so desirable that we ought to close our eyes on the action that stand behind it. When they tell they love you, but clearly show zero signs of compassion and care, and it's always about them. their problems, their life.... aaaggrrrr so disgusted after my eyes were open
@Matt C That's so awesome to hear!! This thread is a wonderful, safe place to come➖🙏😊✨ I 💖 @DoctorRamani so much. She had been such a Godsend to me. And, to literally hundreds of thousands of people just like us. I hope this channel will bring you some peace of mind. There's so many supportive people who care & understand because they too have suffered from narcissistic abuse at the hands of a Narcissist. May God and all of his Heavenly Angels bless you today and always ➖🙏💖😊
@@Crazychick64 Praise Beezlebub! The all powerful destructor! He's so misunderstood...what a hoot to hang out with. To hell with you Ruth...no offense; it's like a Christian saying God bless you. We satanists greet each other with to hell with you, and use it as a parting gesture. Sigh. What the hell am I on about.
Narcissistic infidelity differs from "normal cheating", because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they've committed! In fact, they convince themselves it's your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they're a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They'll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why is the new partner better than me?" because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it's also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring-all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other. The problem is, they see "love" as receiving constant attention and adoration. This is what they give to you, and this is what they want to receive in return. The NY Times describes it this way. "Narcissistic alexithymia: The inability to understand or describe the emotions in the self. Unable to know themselves, sufferers are unable to understand, relate or attach to others. To prove their own existence, they hunger for endless attention from outside." Narcissistic "supply" is really just a distraction from this condition. When you fail to relieve this (because no external factor can), you are punished and replaced. No matter how caring and kind you were, they still don't feel good, and their disorder convinces them that a new partner will be the magical fix to everything. This is when you get "split" as the crazy bad person so they can justify their sudden change of heart. Even though they blame you, I hope you can see that this process has literally nothing to do with you. You can follow their new relationship, hope it fails, analyze yourself, analyze them, try to be more perfect, prove yourself, figure out whose fault it was, etc. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Turn your focus from external to internal. What do you feel? Inadequacy? Shame? Rejection? Betrayal? These are your feelings, and those are what matter. You need to work with these feelings, understand them, and learn to offer yourself the comfort and love needed to heal them. Otherwise you're just left with an unresolved mess of pain from an impossible situation, and a frightened heart that believes it's at fault. Left untended, it'll eventually just fade into a numb obscurity. Work with this pain, understand it, talk with it, communicate with your body. This is the most important thing you can do. Every time you're tempted to check on them, ask yourself what you're feeling. A void? Emptiness? Loneliness? Resentment? Numbness? These issues cannot be resolved through searching externally. Yes, they were created by an external factor, but it's your wound now, whether you want it or not. You are the only person who can decide to nurture these wounds and build a loving relationship with your emotions. If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
This was so well said. It is exactly what I experienced. Till just a few weeks ago I realized all this! Terrifying what is out there! Thank you for your insight!!
@cindymartin2655 I hope you can heal from your trauma and learn to love yourself the way you deserve. Focus on your health and exercise regularly. Work on your career, hobbies, spend time with friends & family. Travel and do new things. It takes some time but you will feel better eventually! ❤
It makes me sad to consider the number of minutes, hours, days, years I have spent ruminating. It's as if I've given my life away to it. I will try some of Dr. Ramani's tactics.
I've spent a lot of hours of recent watching videos on narcs. Understanding how the disorder works and what I was actually dealing with made it easier for me. It took away the dirty/used feeling and made moving on possible.
I still ruminate 6 years later. I just ask myself what don’t I feel like doing today and do it anyway. You can embrace the suckiness of it and get on with things after a while.
THAT bothers me a lot, the wasted time..when I've got so much to do. Then also taking my frustration out on others because I'm exhausted ....not fair to my family.
@@Maddie-5 not wasted time. I understand how frustrating/disappointing it can be, but aren't you a stronger person now? You still have family in your life who really love you. You're free! You're life is going to be so much better now.
I think you know the answer to that . The problem is that Is unbelievable . Deep inside we know the answer, we just can’t face it. You can’t abuse what you love. We were their best choice , their trophy. So here we are ruminating. Lol. So sad. But just make fun of it. Well that is the way I am .
@Lyla Moon. Yes. He portrayed someone "in love", for a little while, but the feelings went away, he said, when I started " being someone else",... Stood up for Myself, questioned him.. Told him What he was -- a Covert Narc. So.. No he never truly did. But he's not Capable of it; none of them are.
@@dianella2008 Thank you. I understand this, but the reality still causes me to play it over and over(what meant everything to me meant little to them)I meant nothing when push came to shove. However I did gain from the experience(I grown wiser stronger) but also lost a lot. Still struggle with what happened.
It will eventually get easier and the what ifs will fade away with the memories. At least we have our empathy and can feel all the feelings they're incapable of. At least now we know it's something wrong with them not something wrong with our hearts.
this video is like a big hug from someone who is saying "It's okay, I get it. It's normal. You don't have to feel ashamed for constantly thinking about it. Let us together find ways to help you heal and live." thank you, doctor.
The thoughts I've been caught up in since ending the narcissistic relationship ended are 1. Do they ever think about me/miss me? 2. Did it mean anything to the person? 3. Did they ever care about me at all?
I feel like I’m constantly thinking “maybe I’m the narcissist?” “Maybe I was wrong?” I want everyone to see my side of the story after my name was dragged through the mud. I obsess over it.
I agree with this too, but one thing I know is, even if I am a problem it matters not, because he isn't faithful and he does not love or want me and me alone so it doesn't really matter if I am toxic or not, he doesn't want me so I need to move on. And yes, he is bombarding me saying I am then i am not the problem. I have admitted to my down falls in the relationship I have apologized and begged for the cycle to stop. In the end, his actions do NOT match his words, so it matters not, I must somehow move on in my life.
7 years later and they all still believe him over me. He is an abuser. If I could go back and change one thing, I would go back and find a way to let go of hoping the truth would come out. It's a harsh and painful reality but let them all go, you know the truth and you deserve a good life, not one bogged down by memories of a narc. and their fan club 💜
But then you also worry that if you overshare your trauma to people, they might suspect you're a covert narcissist trying to fuel a victim mentality......
Wow... you also described MY ruminations to a tee... I also ruminate about the finality of it.... I just find the realisation that it is unfixable to be very saddening... 😔
I ruminate about how I thought for so long that I was not trusting enough and that I was horrible for doubting him. I can now see it was deliberate lying and cheating. The fear is that I am not seeing things in my life NOW that may be just as awful. I doubt my judgement, and go over and over the past looking for some key clue I missed that would prevent me from ever being hurt that way again.
Shit. I don't care, nobody perfect! And that's not a weakness it's a strength! Know who you are and know who they are. Nobody cares more less than the narc.
”when did things get so bad?” ”was any of the relationship real?” ”why did I accept so many bad things?” ” did their relationship work?” ” do he miss/think about me?”
"why am i not enough?" "how can i be enough?" "did she love me ?" "why didn't she love me?" "why did she treat me so bad ?" "can i be better?" "maybe its all my fault" 😔
omg all of this. I just started crying because I have felt so confused about myself. I had to question constantly that maybe there is just something seriously wrong with me. I would never do that to someone something has to be wrong with me.
Exactly. And to answer the most important question: it was as real as the pink unicorn starring at me right now... The bitter truth it's always better than the sweetest lie. U can Start work with it and build anew, healthier.
I chose to acknowledge that the love I felt was real. It was deep, it was beautiful and I am grateful he mirrored me my own intensity. It was the first time I felt myself that intense. I'm not beating myself up with that question any longer....it is unnecessarily painful. What I felt was real, even though it might not have been that 'real' on his side. That's the only thing that counts. Keep on loving.
@@jazmine9570 Nietzsche's idea of an ubermensch was in fact a kind of human that would not need policemen or god and jesus to be kind and do the right thing... on the other hand, I don't thing he was very good at mingling at a party
It helps hearing that we ruminate so much because the way they treat us just doesn’t make any sense, and our minds are desperately and relentlessly trying to make sense of it. I don’t want to be robbed of my life anymore. Thank you. 💖
Agreed and sometimes we will never get the answers we want and we have to just accept it and know that we did everything we could and that it was not us. We deserve better and everyone should work on forgiving themselves and having compassion for yourself first and foremost because this was emotionally traumatic for all those who unfortunately had to experience it.
@@jclyntoledo Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
Maria, Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
My rumination patterns look(/ed) like: -thinking about the "good times" -thinking about the bad times (esp. when he lied to my face) -anger that what I thought was a good friendship (let alone the desire to be in a relationship) was all fake -thinking about all of anxiety I had before initiating "clarifying conversations," none of which actually helped -going over red flags -thinking about how cruel he was (even when I called him out on it. And how much worse it got when discarding me). -resenting the fact that our mutual friends ignored what was happening, welcomed his new supplies with open arms, and completely dropped me. -worrying about how he will hurt his new supplies -wondering if his childhood trauma stories were fake -feeling guilt/shame for getting swept up in all of this -worrying about the long-term effects of my trauma responses
Exept for the childhood trauma, it is precisely the same for me. I got over the "good" moments now, since there was always a bad side just at the corner. I know I am changed forever, I just hope I can find back some normality in my emotion, and of course a bit of my self-esteem (that was not great to begin with) that he completly shredded.
I always considered myself to be a very strong person and perceptive. I could not understand how I got caught up in this situation.. I always had a knot in my stomach.always felt like he was hiding things and lying..and he was a pathological liar.i have been trying to move on for 6 months. But keep getting drawn back in , thinking if he would just do this or that everything would be good.it is all just lies...
Yes. I ruminated for decades. And I knew how I was treated was wrong. I was ruminating about brining my narcissists to justice so to speak. It's January 2024. And I've finally decided to stop. I fully realize that the people who abused me in my life will never, ever change. And when my mind tries to put these imagined arguments into my mind's eye, I shove them 'out of the room' so to speak. I should also add that, one, they're my parents. And two, I no longer have any contact with them.
The gaslighting, deflecting, and minimizing was so intense that I actually had doubts about the things I saw with my own eyes and had piles of proof for. I had to step out for 3 months in order to get my own thoughts in line. It’s insane to think that another person can rewrite your brain.
Yeah I went through all that to the deflecting the minimizing the digs nitpicking the subtle gaslighting sometimes the intense gaslighting. There's a reason why they're called crazy makers but in reality it's just them projecting that doesn't change the fact to damage they cost already
You remember the "kind" moments more, because our brain works like this. It's easier for us to remember things that are connected to positive emotions. For me it was helpful to read old conversations with friends of mine (Whats App etc) to remember the bad stuff and especially me feeling so desperate and lonely because of my ex boyfriend. Purposefully remember all the pain they put you through and hug yourself. Tell yourself that you are sorry that you had to go through it. We all deserve better 🙏
#THIS is my biggest rumination. 13 year's with this Man, the horror story that I have been living. My saving grace, no children. GOD saved me, but, not before Hurricane Charlie tried to destroy me and my kid's. Now in the aftermath, I am cleaning up the mess and, putting it all together again. He just occupies so much space in my head and I want it to #STOP !!
@@nuna2968 my narcissistic mother abuses myself from decades through gaslighting,blame shifting,guilt tripping,sarcasm,verbal threats etc.This is happening from my beginning of adulthood and she also isolates myself from friends completely for 9 years and just manipultes me as a primary supply.but fortunately now i am 26 yrs old man and started recognizes her abuse and healed myself through my hobbies and start enjoying life again. But i have deep ocd symtoms and also ruminating about anything over and over at a daily basis
I cut off my narcissist over a year ago, and I think about him everyday. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't miss him or want him back, I just stay angry.
Me too! I broke up with mine a month ago and I feel exhausted, angrier, and less vibrant. The relationship ultimately narrowed my world & f**ed with my head. Luckily, I got out quickly, and recognized the manipulations, control, & gaslighting. It just took time to determine that *that* was the constant, not the love-bombing & superficial pleasantness.
I try to look at it as a class spent learning how they acted was not healthy. So I spent the time and effort and gained an education. Now I want to learn how to diffuse narcs craziness. Number 1 maintain distance and autonomy. Number 2 recognize telltale traits. Number 3 focus on my equanimity ( hard). Number 4 make healthy decisions to not be fooled about who they really are. Do not ever give them the benefit of the doubt. They will snap as soon as you lower your guard. Be vigilant. Don’t poke the bear. Don’t placate them. You may have to consider changing jobs or churches or schools or even your address. And then guess what?! New ones will intrude. Problem is recognizing them soon enough not to have shared anything private. You may think you need them as a friend but you don’t know yet that they are nuts.
The narc is especially hard to get off your mind. The only time I get peace is when I sleep. As soon as I wake up the hurt and pain come back. It is so exhausting and I am so damn tired. How do I let it go? It is killing me. I have never felt so much pain and hurt in my entire life.
@@brassgal5039 I completely understand. Luckily, after more than a year of suffering, I’m able to think about him without getting angry. I found out that if I respond to him or allow him back in my life, thinking that somehow, things will be different, just prolongs the misery because THEY NEVER CHANGE.
Listening to your videos honestly is my best coping skill for rumination. It's also my method to distract myself from the momentary pain, while still feeling like I'm working on "solving" my problem long term. You are doing Saint's work, ma'am ❤
This is spot-on. I ruminated for entire days after I first left my partner. Outsiders don’t understand why we can’t just leave it in the past and “move on”. Well it’s really not that simple. Living with cognitive dissonance for so long leaves us questioning our own perceptions of reality and not to mention, our self-worth. Having a relationship with a narcissist is like watching a psychological thriller and then never being able to see the conclusion of the film. We’re left wondering if any part of the experience was genuine.
@Clare Baker reading this brings tears to my eyes because it's like ur writing what is going on in my life .....I was with him for 3 years .....stood by his side with all his nasty behaviors......only for his ex to come into our country for holiday ....he threw me aside for those 4 weeks....now that's she is gone he is ringing my son phone asking to see me ......I want to forget about him but it's so hard......he brought a lot of excitement into my life ....now he just have me sad and moping all the time ......
“Maybe she’s not a narcissist?” “Maybe I am just a horrible person instead of her?” “Maybe I do just have a distorted sense of reality like she said” I find it very hard to trust my own opinions/ thoughts as I have always been told that I am wrong
Absolutely same here. Until my spouse witnessed the behaviour I never felt believed and so stopped telling anyone and shrunk into myself thinking all these years there is something wrong with me. I’m unlovable.
Here’s my biggest rumination. “How can everyone else love this guy so much, what if I’m really the problem?” I have been writing down all the dismissal, gaslighting, the emotional lies, the baiting, the fact that he provokes fights to get an emotional reaction and then says “See? You’re the one getting all worked up!” Then when I start ruminating I read the list. Now with your help I have more Arsenal to move forward. God bless you!
Me too, but even worse is it's my mother. I get to think about not only everyone else thinks she is wonderful so do my brother and sister. They go so far as to tell me she doesn't treat anyone else like this so I must be the problem.
It's just not one thing. They are who they are. Narcissists don't change. They do what they do. The only thing I have control over is me and my actions. I have to accept responsibility for my part... What did I do to attract this person into my life? How long did I accept unacceptable behavior? How often did I accept blame that didn't belong to me? And the most important question is WHY did I do X, Y, Z...? That's where the real work is....
Questions I’m asking myself -how did he pretend for so long? -how could someone be so evil to someone innocent? -how did I not see it? -how long was he gonna do this to me? -why’d he want a double life? -how could you have no remorse when we lived a life together? -will I be able to find love or trust again? -will I be emotionally ok? -how do I heal and move forward? -why did this happen to me? -why am I in love with such a damaged/wicked person? -how will this affect me? -will this be the type of person I keep falling for? -how do I fix my own childhood trauma? -I feel different now -who am I? I’m 23, and I’m tired💔
“If I had set clear boundaries in the beginning, non of this would have happened” and thinking what I should’ve said over and over again. Now when I start to think I imagine dragging the thought to the trash on a computer.
Thank you very much for posting what you have posted. I'm sitting at work as I am watching this video and saw your comment. Your comment cemented the realization that I can totally do that and start to move on instead of crunching company time on my personal problem. Thank you. Now, back to work as a productive member of society ought to...
I said this to my psychologist, because I thought it was my fault as I must not have set boundaries well enough at the start of the relationship. He told me that boundaries are like fences around your home; they only keep the honest people out 😂 He said you shouldn't have to write a document of boundaries in order to have people show you respect, decency, or common courtesy. I love my psych!
Yes..a thousand times yes..this whole pandemic lockdown situation has been a drain on my mental health. As Dr.Ramani says, I started to make a list of distractions hopefullu it will help
Me too but then I started taking 4000 IU of vitamin D3. It helped a ton. I wasn't going outside. Just sitting inside and clearly I was Vitamin D deficient. Just a thought. May or may not help you but it helped me a ton and a lot of my friends.
Ruminate over “why did I stay”? “Why couldn’t I walk away?” “why do I hope so much that he’ll change?” “Does he miss me?” “When will I stop missing him?”
I have always been a ruminator. This was baked into me. It’s from these things: family warnings and paranoia about personal safety (be careful), their perfectionism, and my entire nuclear and extended family was always doing things, house projects, etc. Something always needed fixing. It was never quiet. I was also always supposed to be learning, doing, not being lazy. This is not a good recipe, and not when I met the Narc who needed and demanded all of me. They took up every bit of my attention and abilities to solve their problems and occupy their time. I was programmed to respond, to jump in, to fix things and it always took my mind to work through.
What you did was to offer normal human trust, but the person receiving it was not a normal human. It was an accident of meeting. You did nothing wrong.
You didn't do anything because you didn't deserve this! You are not to blame. I know hearing it from a stranger might not fldo much for you but I am blamed every single day for everything that's wrong in the world and I have been sucked into the lie that is self-doubt and blame myself for staying in this hell I live in currently. But we did not deserve this!
@@ap679 Sometimes it is. Sometimes, however, it might be a wish to escape from the relationship. This is something Dr. Ramani noted as happening to "truth-tellers", as in, those who recognize that there is something wrong with the relationship early on. People like this may not know every detail of what's wrong (Dr. Ramani didn't mention this, but I do because I was one such person) but they know that the world they are stuck in is wrong and that it has something to do with the people they are surrounded with, and they also know they don't like the person for the things they do, they don't trust the "good times" coming from said people knowing they are contaminated somehow, and overall they can't stand the idea that they will have to put up with their abusers (or anyone like them) for the rest of their life. So they fantasize about escape, knowing or believing escape from the area (especially to a far away place) is the only way to get this hell to stop. For anyone who went to their "happy place", I would suggest watching the video on euphoric recall and the video on "truth-tellers", because both phenomena can lead to running away from reality and trying to find a happy place in one's mind (and, in the case of the truth-tellers, planning and dreaming of the day they will finally be able to escape). Note that if you are a truth-teller, do NOT give up hope, since, if you were in that role, the hope you had was likely not invested in the relationship, but rather in getting away from it and the idea of being all right. All giving up hope will get a truth-teller is suicidal thoughts and total despair. Just remember to invest hope in the idea of a better future AWAY from abusive dynamics, healing from trauma, and the idea of getting by if that fails - apart from trying to win abusers over or even to impress them (the latter of which might still be fantasized about by truth-tellers), because even impressing abusers may not happen, abusers will find many types of excuses to ruin that. Just don't ever invest all your hope in one person, especially those who do toxic things. Hope is a thing to be invested, and it should be invested in sources apart from toxic relationships. Because investing hope in toxic relationships is like investing your money with a scammer. Whereas investing hope in the idea of finding a better future is like investing money in a legitimate account - that might fail if it's just one source, but if your hope is invested in several non-toxic sources, you will be able to use it to give you the energy to create a better future for yourself.
I guess u give so much of yourself u get low self esteem and forget that you are important & get so sad thinking you can't recover without that person .
seems to be one positive way of getting over such a thing: them hearing from others that you're doing fine and you picked up the pieces and moved on...
I think dwelling on certain thoughts is a habit that starts in childhood because you try to figure out how to avoid the minefields with a narc parent so run things over and over to avoid problems.
Absolutely! You try to set up scenarios in your brain for how it should have been to counteract the bad. All it does, is show you the evil. Sometimes (most often) there was no reason for it in the first place.
Wow just today I walked back into that minefield when someone asked how I wanted to contact my narc. I need some property back from them but the flood of strategies and anticipation for the worst rushes back in. I never get anything done because I think too damn much!
"what if he really didn't have narcissistic personality disorder?" "why didn't he love me?" "why did I let him abuse me like that?" "why was I so blind to all of the abuse?" "what if he changes and treats the next girl better?"
Mine got married a few years after we broke up and has been married for 3 decades now and has kids with him, and I ruminate over how in hell can she put up with him? What could be wrong with her to live that way? Are there really women who would put up with his stone coldness just because he is rich? Could his whole time with me have been an incredible act, and when he met her did he magically change into a wonderful man because she had something I don't have?
@@ChurchofCaboose Mine said "well, no one usually lasts more than a month. You should feel good about yourself." How do you even respond to being given a proverbial exit trophy?
I really thought I was the only one going through this and I have even faulted myself for the inability to move on. Oh my!! It's freeing to know that it is a consequence of the narcissistic abuse. There's nothing wrong with me
You are loveable thats why you were target. You are enough... You have very good qualities. Thats why they all did this. Your good qualities. They wanted your good energies& qualities. But they cant have them. They tried. They sucked all good energies out of you. Once you are out you will get that back. They are never you.
@@l.8612 SPOT ON! they suck the good energies out of you and fill u with self doubt!....they strategically do it.......there is a toxic vampire hiding behind that mask!! beware! run away!
Imagine if they died before you ever found out the truth that it was not you and then had to live the rest of your life thinking what you said. We are lucky to have Dr Ramani show us the truth. We can see the truth and you can see you are loveable and you are now even more Loveable. You Know what real Love is and that is beautiful.
The thing that helped me was remembering I was dealing with a hurt child most of the time not an adult. Also understanding how my relationship with my mother means I seek validation and approval in relationships. I am also learning to live in the present and trust my gut.
I’m also a hurt child, but I don’t abuse. Nope. Don’t you dare push that here! F the toadstool of mommy commandeering my head and double F the idjits who feel sorry for her.
@@lisar9425 This is an abusive comment in itself. I agree that feeling sorry for a narcissist is leaving yourself open to a bad road but I'm not sure that is what she meant and attacking any narcissist survivor for their journey is not cool. We are sisters here and all are learning. You have no idea what she has been through, still going through or what your attack has done to her emotionally. The comment could have been made with kindness and support which would have been actually helpful instead of weakening. Just saying because in our passion and pain we can hurt others too and set them back in ways we do not fathom We are already in our own hell enough. As to the comment she is right. It is not an excuse it is a step up for us. It means that we don't have to take it personally. This person is defective and we cannot expect the treatment that we need , that anyone would need, from them in a relationship. They are not capable of it. Many of them have been broken. It's the truth, we don't need to skirt around it. It doesn't mean that they are safe or can be saved, they are not and cannot. I think of them as poison now. Or snakes. Or children. Very nasty children that you are much better to avoid if you want to have a good life. They can't be helped. That's the part that gets tricky with this fact. (also there are many different manifestations, some are no more like children than Satan is like a child - I've dealt with a few, the latest definitely childlike mentality, the diagnosed psychopath, not so much.) It's easy to feel sorry for a child and want to help them which is I think where your comment comes from. We are all learning and healing. These are not actual children who may be saved. They are ruined human beings who will take you down if you have anything to do with them, There is no right course of action except to stay as far away from them as you can get. I'd like for @DoctorRamani to weigh in here if she see's this comment. Meanwhile I'm just saying be mindful of how you may effect others and be supportive. We have had enough abusive and tear downs. Every Day Stronger. That's how I roll now.
Huh? Which what? My remark was admittedly bombastic, but hunh? My point was “Hurt People hurt people” is no excuse. Not everyone who’s been macerated by a covert narc goes on to hurt others. Granted, too many of us become auteurs of self sabotage. BUT NOT ALL OF US. The emotion that frees us from these parasites isn’t pity; it’s OUTRAGE.
I’m absolutely a chronic “ruminator”. Wondering if it was me, what I could’ve done better, and if I truly actually did suffer from narcissistic abuse! This is probably one of the hardest symptoms to deal with because it really does steal the joy of life.
You're so good at ruminating that you do it on autopilot now, just like riding a bicycle. If you can practice recognizing ruminations and then distracting the thoughts, this too will become automatic.
Im at the end of a narcissists relationship, starting to stand up for myself and working on my way out. I ruminate about what i did/ didn't do get myself into this situation, so i can avoid it from happening again and how to get out of it. I want myself and my life back!
Ruminating is one of the last things to let go and takes a toll on you. “Rumination can’t fix the unfixable. It’s hurting you twice”. Thank You Dr. Ramani🙏🏾
She is right. I can't concentrate. I blamed myself for over fifteen years. Your videos doctor has really helped me to wake up and see what happening around me. Your videos have helped to show me that I am enough.
🥳 He made me feel like I wasn’t enough either. That’s why they try to isolate you from your friends and family. So that no one can take you away from them. It’s sick and twisted, he always tried to make me the bad person in every scenario. I was always defending myself .. I had to ask myself “Why am I even with this person ? Have I become codependent? And when did this happen? How? “ once I got my answers- He gave me the silent treatment which is manipulation.. after he tried his best to devalue me, I friend zoned him and said my final goodbye. Raising our standards is important even if it gets lonely by doing so. I gained so much peace as this relationship has ended, I rather have peace instead of a shit boyfriend who is insecure and controlling.
@@sadiaq1693 I had to cut off all interactions with my mother when second and third and fourth chances underscored the fact that she is incapable of change. She is still a danger to others, but I cannot do anything about that. I had to make the no-contact break, and I am much healthier for it.
My narcissist wrote me a VERY ugly letter last year. I carry it around in my wallet. Whenever I feel myself ruminating or wanting to reach out to him, I read it. I'm finding the letter less and less painful each time I do that.
My Narcotic husband & I have been apart over a year now & I was quickly replaced actually before I left. He called me not long ago & said it would be cheaper to have me killed than to divorce me. We are still married & together 13+ years
I just thought of a great analogy for rumination. When I was a kid, I used to love untangling my mother's necklace chains. I would gently tug and separate until the crucial end was in sight and I could loosen the knot a little more. Eventually, I would pull all the entangled strands apart. I still love unraveling a tangle of yarn skeins or a knot of necklaces. Rumination is like trying to untangle a knot that has no ends. You can spend a lifetime trying to tease out the right bit that would make it all work. But it can't happen. Yet we keep staring at that knot, pulling at it this way and that, hoping for the magic thread that will make it all right again. Meanwhile, our life is dribbling away, and solvable problems are being neglected.
I love untangling things too! And yes, ruminating is exactly like that. I’m going to try to use the image you just gave me to help stop. Three years is long enough. Thank you!
Unfortunately I found out the truth and have the answer to this question being asked.... the answer was my suspicion he cared but not the way I thought he did yes I was manipulated and used
Follow her advice and stick to 100% true "no contact". You probably can't tell right now but it works! I wont lie because it does take discipline though.
@@godspurple4805 write a list of "everything" he said and did to you that was wrong. Write about the person he gave you in the end. I'm know it wasn't good because all the relationships end almost the same way. The person in the end is who they are. Use that list as your reminder of why you're walking away. Look at the list and think really hard. Ask yourself if you want to experience that once again or do you deserve better.
This could not have landed in my feed at a better time. The rumination is hitting hard. I’ve been out of the relationship for about four weeks now, but it still hasn’t gotten any easier. In fact, the rumination has been hitting harder.
I used to obsess about closure & getting confessions & an apology. I'd end up crying because I couldn't believe he could do all of what he did to me and still not care enough to help me heal. Then, I'd regain my strength because I refused to give him control over my healing. I believe I've made my own closure now.
Hi dot. I'm struggling a lot with this right now and I'm very confused and distressed because of the lack of closure. I know I'm not gonna get the closure that I want from her. Any tips on how you took control of that? I want to take control of my healing
@@ChristoWilfredblr same here, you just have to tell yourself that the person is damaged and unable to think like a normal person with normal morals, and they move person to person doin this sometimes trying to give you round two of the same shit leaving you even more hurt when they leave again. The person is not happy how can they make you happy? They could only make you happy in brief moments it just the bull that makes you think it was bigger and better than it was. Heal yourself, if you give them a chance to help fix you chances are they will rip open your wound further if you do it your self nobody can do that and you will be right again. The person is not to be trusted.
@@gujubear1551 Thanks... That helped and you're absolutely right. My therapist also told me this is that these people are just not capable of empathy and expecting any from them is just setting yourself up for more hurt. Fuck her, she's dead to me. She cannot be trusted, you're right.
I wanted an apology and it was never given to me irl. I eventually realized that I shouldn’t have to be asking someone I love for an honest apology so I dropped it and found my own closure.
@@ChristoWilfredblr other thing that helps me to get closure is perceive the situation as a lesson. Understand that the other person is a mirror and I can see myself on them so I can learn from them (the good and the bad), the situation and myself. Obviously this is something to consider when you're on your way to healing. At first talking to friends, seek professional help, journalism or just let yourself feel can help a lot
Its more complicated than that. My parents loved us but they did not realise what they said hurt. All the subtle gaslighting and invalidation. They still don't realise which is why they never stopped doing it.
It's always up and down with the ruminating and cognitive dissonance - some days it's clear and I'm standing in my truth strongly but other days.... I fear it was all in my head, making me question everything, feeling crazy and even suicidal.
I'm scared it will never leave my head. What happens when the sights and sounds of everyday life just keep reminding me of someone who never thought about me. I'm so tired of being tired..
Can you imagen me after a couple of days that he dessapair looking at this men holding hands with his ex? I can't remove that from my head, tired , sad, hopeless , terrified ,.sad, alone , with thousands of questions , I cannot afford therapy, this is draining.
@@Jl-ou4jt im going thru it too. We can do it! Find therapy thru videos, find a social worker, find a church that offers support, find support groups on fb. Theres tons of free options to help you heal.
Right there is the answer, I know its extremely hard but stop caring about someone who never cared about you. I went through that shortly. The more I reminded myself that he wasn't losing sleep over me, never even cared, the more I began to not care anymore. Found Peace in myself doing this. Their loss not yours. Nope, they lost. Remember that. So much better than them.
@@Jl-ou4jt I found mine after they disappeared for 6 months. My wife of 10years, she was living in another house a new bf a new baby. I knocked on their door, my wife come to a window showed me her new baby and the only words i ever got was....." I have a new family now" 💔 Then she just closed the curtains like i never ever existed. I can never explain to anyone just how that felt. It haunts me still 4 years on.
I have spent years ruminating defending myself in my head... Trying to make sense of the chaos in the narcissist life or her grandiose unreal idea about herself.. Thank you❤️
@@jaimhaas5170 that's the point. There are no logic in a narcissists world. That's why we ruminate - our brains are desperatly trying to find some logic where there are none. Only ego, chaos and control ❤️
Same here. Spent years trying to figure things out, trying to make sense of it all, and still being left with confusion and doubt, maybe's and what if's, and never having a definitive answer. I've done exactly everything said in this video. It's a living hell
I’ve played prosecutor and defense attorney regarding her and how she treated me and how she behaved for thousands of hours. I have incessant dialogue in my head in an attempt to make sense of it. She stole my soul and my energy.
Lessons from dr Ramani: 1. Distract 2. Mindfulness 3. Breath 4. List the things that are/were happening in your narcissistic relationship 5. Do the things your narcissist told you not to do
Rumination is "like trying to solve an unsolvable problem" - Dr. Romani. Doc, you never disappoint with your knowledge, experience, passion and heartfelt concern. You said something worth emphasizing...you're right, there are not a lot of licensed professionals out there that can provide this level of support. So unfortunate because the need is so great. So I hope that other professionals take the time and learn from...in my opinion... a great servant of the people like yourself. You are a treasure and I appreciate you so much! Continue to be well, stay strong and God Bless!
My most common ruminations are: "why would they say/do that" "Why didn't I react/why did I freeze" I'll think of all the things I could have said or done differently "what's wrong with me?"
@@villasoka884 please don't put yourself on a pedestal because someone chose to abuse you. The abuse everybody, they don't care if you're good or bad. Victimhood is not about feeling special
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 8 months. I can truly say that I had no idea that women like her existed... but I don't regret one moment of it. I am using it as an opportunity to learn about myself... I realize now how easily she lied, and the utter disregard she had for my feelings. I'm sorry to say that, during our final argument when I caught her yet again pruning fresh supply under my nose, I lost it... I said "You can't change a w$%re into a housewife" as I walked out. I regret that I allowed a situation to reduce me to that level of anger and basic behaviour... subsequent emails from her only proved that not only is she a narcissist, but apparently they absolutely HATE being called out. She is very prideful... who would have guessed? I had no idea about the depth of my statement until I started to listen to this series... she really can't change, or she refuses to. Rough. Either way, I am a very, very lucky man. I escaped... no children, no marriage. Whew.
Good for you. It took me 35 YEARS! But, it’s been 12 years of no contact (after the divorce) so I’m doing fine now. I’m glad you’re not a slow learner like me.
Slapping you a super high five and a huge congratulatory hug!!! I got out after only 6 months. And although I am beyond grateful the pain was (and still is at times) super REAL!! Like you, I had never met a man ( in my case) like that before. I STILL find it mind boggling that people like this even exist. They say (well my guy did) they want a beautiful, kind, loving, trusting, honest , caring, understanding person and then people like us come into their lives (lured in my case LBVS 😄😬😳) and they truly don’t know how to treat us. It’s really pathetic!! It took me 2 times of taking him back before I finally realized that the dream he sold me was indeed a NIGHTMARE and his ass was FREDDY!! Like you, I have definitely learned more about who I am as a person - lessons learned the hard way. But I am FREE and HEALING and I know my return to complete HAPPINESS beyond him is within reach, thanks in large part to videos and comments like these. I wish you continued success and happiness my friend!! Be and STAY well 🙏🏽
From the lack of a mother (emotionally abusive) comes hunger for knowledge. A therapist told me this and it is totally true in my case and I am sure it is for many others. Definitely, must get out of the rumination since no amount of 'conversations' (arguments, really) with my mother will ever help, that, I know now, thanks Dr. Ramani. I want to heal and be at peace with myself and although I cognitively I know I am worthy, I need to FEEL and BELIEVE that I am worthy.
"Did I imagine all of it" "Was it that bad" "Maybe I was selfish, maybe it was all in my head" "How did I bring the worst in him (according to him) " "Was my tone that bad" "Maybe it's me causing everything" I also had to record our conversations over and over to remember after the break up I wasn't dreaming all of it...
These are so common for all who’ve experienced this type of abuse. All of these are evidence examples of the seeds of self-doubt that were instilled. Anything less than self-trust is leftover abuse symptoms.
I keep playing his last voicemail voicemail he left me over and over : He was going to kill me when he finds me, I’m a liar and a cheater, that he’s sending people to come hurt me. Every time I question and ruminate I play the message again. It really is very grounding.
@@amscared2764 I told my ex I recorded him (he smashed my phone when he saw) that all the files went to the cloud so he can’t deny. He still said “I was asleep when I said it so I didn’t mean it..” like wow really… these narc people are nuts.
@@GLR-666for me I had learned a bigger lesson that i had never anticipated, the only question that linger in my head WHY ME, I mean why she chooses me even though I wasn't interested in her, this people are sick seriously
You got my vote!!!! Funny, it’s the president’s actual behaviors that triggered me into studying up on Narcissism in the first place. I didn’t realize it had a name and that it was a thing.
Ruminating thoughts I have: -"There's something wrong with me" -"Maybe I am not deserving of love/companionship" -Thinking that they will reach out to me sometime, telling me that they are sorry, and that they do care for me (they don't, and this will never actually happen) -Ruminating on possible apologies, and making them up in my head (I know this also something that will never happen) -"How could I be so gullible?" -"How could I fall for something so fake?" -"Why did I ignore all the red flag and everything my gut feeling was telling me, and instead pushed myself in deeper, getting even more emotionally invested?"
Hello Robot --- you are spot on! I think and go over all of the 'what ifs' as if I can fix him. On 18 years of marriage and I finally figured out that he's NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!!! He is and will remain a neglectful narcissist .... however my escape is being planned and I will execute it at a time when he can't stop it. I am excited for my future once again. My day of escape is just over 45 days. Can't wait!!!!!
The moment you realize it was all fake becomes a seperate trauma all its own.
Yours is definitely my favorite comment so far, thank you!
This exactly, reviewing all the stuff from a reverse cognitive dissonant state.
💯percent. It’s all fake, all of it. We were dead on arrival 😢
Damnnnn
This.
The hardest part is thinking about all your memories together, all the times you looked at them and thought how much you love them… and then getting out and having to accept that they never loved you at all.
I'm very sorry you were put through and going through that, Emily. I wish true love to find and heal you.
This exactly!
I'm going through that same thought process over my soon to be ex wife. She told me during our marriage she wasn't sure she loved me then would say it was her anxiety/depression talking. Once she left and I decided divorce was what was needed, she started telling me how she never wanted to marry or even date and that this was all my fault for asking her to marry me sooner than she wanted.
@GetYaMindRight ! I'm sorry
@@ChurchofCaboose wtf
I feel ashamed for being fooled for so long, for defending this person to others and for caring so much for so long. It is embarrassing.
I feel like I left a cult but the cult leader...my ex will not leave. I ruminate why didn't I leave earlier....I knew right away I should not be with him. I am constantly over thinking and ruminating most of the last 10 years when I have planned to leave and he manipulated and my daughter, pity card, suicide, depression, I have no where to go, I will never see my daughter... I which I had said not my problem and left. 😊
It’s not your fault, give yourself grace.
We’ve all been there, Hon. I totally feel the same ❤
@@deannelamirande432 oh yes! you feel empty without them, you can't find anything that completes you. Like cults, you are more of a threat when you leave than staying with them forever bc you're no longer their puppet. My covert narc ex finds ways to lure me back unfortunately it happened a lot but it's the trauma bond we def don't want!
Wow thank you
I keep ruminating about why I ignored all those red flags during the loveboming and all the lies I believed. I lost nearly everything and I still ruminate about it all every single day. My friends are tired of hearing about it so I'm in therapy now. I hope it helps me. I survived 13 years of living hell with my narc ex and his family.
You are not alone I do the same thing after 23yrs of marriage
I catch myself doing it at times. Was in a relationship with the narcissists for over 35 years & now out of it for over 12 years. I always waited for things to change & they didn't. I now ruminate over why I stayed so long & gave up so much. It's hard. Definitely feel I punish myself with my thoughts. I thank God for every day I don't think about the past & pray for better tomorrows.
me too, I do the same. 😫
Same here❤
I am just like you now. Your comment was 6 months ago are you doing better? Did you hear from the person again?
The more I educated myself about narcissists, the less I ruminated.
I am hoping to get where you are, anger is a biggy, and I think towards myself, as i keep thinking, how did I not see these signs so I feel so darn stupid!
I hope you find that inner peace. Watching educational videos like this has helped me greatly. I’ve worked on my physical health and worked on my emotional response for when I inevitably encounter the narcissist. The healing process will make you stronger.
AGREED!!
AGREED!
it feels like paying interest on a loan you don't have, or carrying water to the sea
“I wish I left in the beginning to avoid all the trauma and flashbacks that I now have to heal from.” 😔
yes.
same I wish I had never met him and I told him that
Jasmine Mallari Me too.
Me too. At some point the pain became so much bigger than the happiness he made me feel that I do wish I had never met him. And I told him too.
Oh yes
"How did I miss the signs?"
"Maybe they're NOT a narcissist?"
"Did I do the same things to them?"
"Did I make a mistake?"
"I miss them."
Same :( I can’t stop thinking he’s not a narcissist when he’s being nice to me but when he’s mean I automatically see it again. Awful.
Then there's the wonderful "What if I'm actually the narcissist , and I'm just projecting all of this onto them?"
My psychologist reassured me when I talked to them, that a narcissist wouldn't have the self awareness to have that thought in the first place.
@@achanonymous That keeps popping up for me, too. I had to realize that many of us have SOME narcissistic behaviors. It's human. And then there are the behaviors we pick up from the narcissistic abuser to try to defend ourselves. Heck, I was raised by a malignant narcissist and then married a series of them. That's going to twist your brain. But I have a strong conviction that what can be learned and then admitted can be unlearned and retrained for a normal person with empathy, humility, and caring for self and others.
@@achanonymous You just saved my psyche, thank you!
Daphne McEldowney I have had that thought also.. can be so confusing. My father also has narcissistic traits. And have had couple of relationships with very controlling abusive men. Of course they tell me it’s my fault.learning to love myself and take care of myself. I never want to be in another relationship like that again
Ruminating over “why did they hate me so much?” “What was it about me that they didn’t like me, but they love his ex?” “ I wouldn’t even do that to someone I didn’t like!”
“What are they going to do to me next?” “What plan do they have up their sleeve this time?”
It truly is traumatizing. Prayers and love to anyone healing from this abuse!
That is what i about ruminate too. :(
My husband hates me too.
Wow…same here….same exact things I think and say…my spouse bashes me for it, saying I’m dwelling, or investing too much energy in it….it makes me mad when he says that cause I then feel like a failure AGAIN!!!!
This is how I feel right now
Why did he promise me the world and give nothing but then does a discard then makes all the said changes. I am paralysed.
Being with a narcissist is one of the most painful and dreadful thing to ever to happen to me. I wouldn't wish this even on my worst enemy. If they've left you,you won.
There IS actually a thing that is worse. Being a self-aware malignant narcissist like myself... I'm not here to make anyone feel pity for me. I am here to say: you did the right thing. Run and keep avoiding us. We don't change
I so agree
. The worst
Wrong!! The worst is having a daughter with one and having her use your child as bait to torment you further.....
Never allows to access your child without hefty consequences and you literally watch her poison and prepare your daughter to be like her
I wish it felt like a win. I hate him, but I love him. I struggle with accepting no matter what I say, do ask or change he will always be the way he is. I also feel he did change got the new person. Ive seen them out at events funnily enought that I went to in order to try and get him off my mind. They were kissing and hugging. He took the new guy for a week in California, to both pride festivals that when I asked him if he was going he didn't ask me to go, he told me he had two friends coming from Orlando going with him ant staying the weekend. He was lieing and it was the new guy.
It's obvious I am just too ugly and fat to be considered by anyone for other than sneaking over at night. Im not insta worthy as they say. I AM OVER my shit life.
I think ur response was insensitive and slightly rude. You claim having a kid was worse but u don't know what the person u msg'd lost. Was ur pain worse cause u are a 'mother' 🙄 Also u made the crazy choice to get pregnant and have a child with one... So the whole whoa is me my plight is worse than yrs thing... Is just distasteful
I think a lot of the problem of my ruminating about what narcissists have done to me is because I couldn't get any justice for it.
Agreed. Like how did he get away with everything he did and just move on like I was nothing, and said I made him feel like nothing and like garbage because I wanted to block him.
💯💯💯
I was in same position but then I learnt that it's unfixable issue and justice won't fix it either... I chose mental peace over justice and started to work on boundarie instead... you can never win against a lier and can only get more and more hurt. If your mental peace means more to you than getting justice, please don't waste your time and energy fighting for justice.... Instead invest in self-love and boundaries... your happiness and success would be the best revenge
I completely get what you’re saying. Love the comments you’ve gotten, but it sure isn’t easy.
The sting of injustice is hard to carry. I’m sorry you are going through it. In therapy it helped me to play the ending of situations that I wish had happened. If it’s violent, you can do this in a video game. There are other ways such as to write it out, act it out, draw, dance, cook. Whatever it was, be aware that the world knows that you didn’t deserve it.
"He was just so mean. He was so mean that I don't really want to admit how mean he was...because when I admit it, I have to admit that I built a complete illusion around and about him- and that makes me feel so...stupid, naive, scared and wounded."
💜
Its the very same with me😊
Mine was also! You weren’t stupid at all, you are strong and the illusion we made about them was what we wanted or wish they were to be. I’ve gone back from leaving and trust me, it just gets worst! I was hit, slapped, he press the gas heading towards me in an empty parking lot because he wanted me in the car. NO. Your not stupid. We make mistakes, I hope you’d healing journey is a smooth one.
I literally feel the same
But really it wasn't us who built it. It was them. We are not to blame. At all.
Left a 2.5 year relationship with narcissistic abuse. I packed up and moved to a new city all on my own. I’m processing a lot but getting better each day. I’ve ruminated about the ‘good’ memories but they’re overshadowed by all the bad ones. The rage, gaslighting, violence, devaluation. I’m strong and getting through it. It feels so good to be free!
Congratulations ❤
Yes, congratulations. I feel like moving also, but can't.
please be careful, moving to a whole new city by our own makes us volnurable to narcissistic abuse, the easiest to isolate. Sending hugs!
I did the same after 4 years. Moved halfway across the country. He followed me 2 years later and sucked me back in for another 5 years
You go girl
The Narcissist will always figure out a way to say you're wrong, even if their argument is completely illogical or false.
Agree 100%
My last discussion/argument ended with her saying "well, you must have done something to tick me off then".
No apology, no empathy, no admission of guilt, no understanding, just the same end result as always---she has to win, no matter what
My husband is a Nars can't seem to get out it makes him angrier and more abusive my every instinct says get out I have many fears they are mentally and emotionally disable me don't know what to do have no means of a way out and their means of support very disabling I have health issues and that doesn't seem to matter
@@afterdroid my husband said the EXACT same thing when I finally confronted him about some of the most horrible things he did to me. His response was, well you must've done something to make me do it. 😡 You CANNOT win with these people.
His best line is " You are crazy! " when I confronted him about his lies.
So so true!
Narcissists don't change patterns... they change victims.
amén
My ex did change patterns.
As I learned to set boundaries and to ignore baiting, she started to use our child as a tool in her abusive behaviour towards me.
😮. That change, effectively made me instantly lose all care and concern for her as a person and dissolved any desire I had to continue to work on the relationship.
I didn't think she was capable of that until she started doing it.
Had I known she was capable of such behaviour, I would have never had a child with her, never married her and never dated her.
It doesn't matter if she suddenly gets an epiphany and changes to improve herself. Doing it once (twice, three or four) time/s is terminal. It can't be undone. I can't call such a human being my partner or spouse. I don't even want to be friends with any human being that does that.
She's been doing this for only about a year now. She did change, but for the worse.
When I cut out all avenues for abuse, I can't ever cut out my child. It remains a constant avenue that she utilizes regularly. It's the only channel remaining.
@@avibhagan her pattern didn’t change the family dynamic did. And as most narcissist do, she used what she knows you hold near and dear to you, believe me it was not the pattern.
@@avibhaganmy ex got a new gf just to tell me how great she is with kids even though that was what I was…and both of them take my son during their time as if they are God’s gift. The psychological games they play are sickening yet too subtle for court. Although the first one should have been obvious when they had a kid and never told me and read my love letter as if I had known about it which ofc I didn’t.
It is what it is.
While this is happening I’m getting a new degree and rebuilding my life so when the time comes we can all make healthier choices. If that means moving to a better state so be it. If it just means I have peace and money to travel that is great too. I don’t want to be the wedge between but I see the abuse that my child endures and has sadly become immune to almost.
They took fifty percent of my child’s time with me to spite me bc all they do is laugh at him or drop him off at new supply’s mother in law.
I had to let go of that fifty percent and trust that God would make it up to me. He did. I am disabled yet still had another baby boy who is now six. Ofc no kid is replaceable and I say this just with the awareness and gratitude that things are not horrible - I just miss my son. He will be back tomorrow eve and my depression will lift until Sunday comes around again ❤
In the end I know he is glad to know his dad and this design ultimately was never up to me and my bitterness and it’s not up to my ex. For the most part I think my son has a great childhood and two families to learn from.
@@13Hangfire that was intense as all hell
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- #MayaAngelou
Craig, THIS one is particularly hard for me to get through my sunshiney head. Recently a friend told me she’s not very nice and I responded “I think you are”. Wtf? Why do o have to say anything OR at the very least, “I’m sorry for you” or “why do you think that is”
Got some consciousness raising to do on this!! 💪🏼
Craig Merkey
Exactly
Exactly
Craig Merkey so true. I wish I’d figured this out 25 years ago.
Wow. Forgot about that quote & I've experienced it over & over again & just had it happen again & almost missed it. Ty!
My “distraction” to get myself out of my head is singing worship music! Shifts my focus from my problem to my healer! 🙌🏼
I ruminate about how I allowed them to treat me badly and how I believed they loved me and it was all a lie.
Shirley Torres. Me too 😒
I blame myself for making such a poor choice, not loving myself.
Omg yess i blame myself for not listening to my intuition and allowing this to go on for so long 😔
@@StasiaBanks this is exactly how I’m feeling.
@@thetravellingberry8041 Ya'll: What I take away from this video is that : w e d i d n o t k n o w !
We did not know that this type of person existed! We know how to spot drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles, rapists, domestic violence, etc. but we really didn't know how to look for the signs of a narc. DON'T beat yourself up! They already did that to your heart & soul. BUT NOW YOU KNOW THEY EXIST~ you won't be fooled again! CHIN UP!
bingo, angry that I let her treat me like a doormat, unloved, treated like shit.... I ruminate but I also challenge myself and think thank god I got out and didn't buy a new house for us to move in together with her 3 kids, I ended it and glad I did but yes I ruminate still but its only been 10 days since I ended it and still no regrets I left...good riddance . actually, one regret , I got very attached to her kids, I will miss them, whereas she never bothered with my son or older daughter, no surprise
In my experience, rumination will likely reappear even after you feel like you've healed. Acknowledge it, but keep it under control- my technique was to assign 5 definitive reasons why I'm glad the relationship is over. Make a fist, extend a finger each time you list off one of these 5 reasons so that when you're done your hand is open and you can "let it go." Helped me a lot. Also, I like to assign the most painful/pervasive reason to the middle finger :)
I love this!! I grew up with a narc sister and can’t stop imagining who I might have become. Your method will help me see the good qualities I have because of the pain I’ve endured. Thank you so much!!
Great idea and extremely portable!😊
This is really good! I’m doing it! Thank you for sharing❤️
Thank you!
Hahaha this is perfect
Ruminating has been the most paralyzing part of getting my life back. No closure makes it so difficult.
It's so hard to forget the cruelty and how so much of your life has been spent just trying to survive wasting away what could have been a more happier and positive life, that is what eats me, the sheer waste of what otherwise could have been a decent life but being persecuted to the edge of existence by an odious creature who only wants to destroy you in every way. 30 years of nastiness is a bitter pill to have to swallow. 'The creature' died last year, I was so relieved!!! 30 years too late, but then he was very lazy!!I still feel angry about it all, frustrated with myself for thinking about the horrible creature. Motivation I find difficult at times to do things, but realise mulling over it all won't change anything. Time heals so they say, but don't know, we'll see. Good thoughts for you too.
No closure, just having to deal with it is horrible.
Known my ex since elementary school and after years of a very intimate relationship, we broke it off and went our separate ways one night without a hug or even saying goodbye… no closure is the hardest thing ever but I try to remind myself that no narcissist will allow you to get closure, that’s the last thing they want for you
I agree about the ruminating. I also struggled with the ‘no closure’ until I spoke to a friend who said that even some non-toxic relationships sometimes end without closure. It made me consider that many relationships can end badly & not just toxic ones, that helped me. For me the hardest part has been accepting that the love was fake, so hard to understand that, just crazy behaviour. Narcissists are so complex & it really is very hard to understand their mindset. Good luck with your journey, stay strong 🙂
I'm so sorry for your pain Philippa. I can certainly understand how you feel. I too feel angry and can't get out of the thought loops. It is horrible. You are not alone it's clear many people have experienced these horrors. I wish you well and hope time will heal at least some of the wounds. Indifference is a wonderful thing. You have, in my opinion cared too much. Time to care for you. @@philippaferguson1327
Break-ups are one thing, what a narcissist does to you is another, the wound(s) are so deep without closure. You are left adrift still loving them. Ruminating has been a major issue for me, so glad to come across video and the comments. Thankyou Dr. Ramani.
This! Leaving some wounds without closure just so they can squeeze themselves back into your life whenever they choose. I’ve daydream or ruminated about him changing for the next person and his kids. But this is what he does, cheats, victimizes to get sympathy of the new person, makes a family (involving children), destroys what he has build by breadcrumbing, then heads off to live his own life and plays the cool uncle to his kids. I have kept arguing with him just for him to care about how his actions have affected everyone around him. I’m done saying anything now, he still triggers me bc we have a child that we should be taking care of together but of course it’s just me. Now I’m just ready to keep raising my daughter on my own. I got lawyers involved bc I got tired with him acting like I’m separating him from her when the reality is that he’s done and still doing all that on his own.
“Maybe he’s not a narcissist”
“Maybe I’m the narcissist”
“He’s probably changed for new supply, now he’s happy”
“Why doesn’t he miss me at all??!”
“When I called him out, maybe I was too mean and cruel”
this is exactly what I think all the times
I have moved beyond this..finally. You will too..i promise..😊
Part of the brains healing process...true.
My exact questions and thoughts.
Exactly the same 🥺 "what if he really changes for her..?"
I struggle terribly with rumination. The only things that help me are: time, exercise, nature and listening to you Dr. Ramani.
I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back
Wh'tsapp him
†2348077446722⏯⏯
Legit
@@kyrazimmerman22
I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back.,
Gives me so much strength to know I am not alone in this.
Exactly what I was just thinking.
It helps tremendously.
Same here
Definitely not!
Indeed! I feel the same💜
My rumination changed a lot. Now I’m more thinking about: “How could I let this happen? How could I let them be so bad to me? Why didn’t I notice the signs of how this person really was? What can I do so I won’t get into this cycle again?” In hindsight, I noticed slow dominance-building actions, slow pushing of the limits until it suddenly was very weird and under their control…
This could be my story. Mine got weird too and when I started saying no he just stopped coming home for days, saying it was my fault, I made him feel bad and that he didn't have to answer tome! We were married!?! Wt.....
I always think I could have done something differently. No matter what I’ve resolved to be gentle in my healthy relationships. No one deserves to be treated this way. Horrible suffering is caused.
I ruminated for years, now I just repeat to myself “ they are sick” this helps me to depersonalise it all as much a possible and allows some breathing room. The key is also to NEVER let your empathetic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not emotions
Oh!!!!
Thank you!
I will exercise that!
You are so right. I have to stay grounded in reality and not let my emotions cause me to feel sorry for him.
Yes,this is a crucial piece of advice for me. : Never let you empathic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not in your emotions. Thankyou,I'm writing this down and I'm gonna read this every single day and as often as I can.
7.33am here and been up all night 'ruminating' as usual, I am now going to say 'They are sick' every time my mind tries to wander back, see how it goes.
Thanks for the advice and wishing much love and happiness to all for 2022.
@@stevenhowe6677 I hope it works for you, it definitely did for me and thanks for the reminder because I stopped for a while and it made me ruminate more. I’ll be joining you once again. It’s a process you’ll be ok in the end, keep up the good fight
What boggles my mind these days is..."who was this person, really?", "did they choose their personality traits to impress me?", "did they even mean any of those things?", "was this even a real person...AT ALL??? or are they just an empty shell who pretends ALL THE TIME?"
And how did they figure out what to say to make it seem like we had the same value or interest. How did they know so much of my likes and dreams!? Was I really that easy to read?
He has no identity; he copied and pasted his fake personality following your guidelines and needs.
@@lindseysmith6309
They expended their lives observing preys and ways of hunting. A lifelong career before they met you and you probably trusted them and tell them about your needs and failures.
Even if you don't tell them, they are good at reading people's desires and needs. Don't punish yourself.
I vote for the empty shell theory.
An empty shell the person u fell in love with was yourself because they present as u as everything u are and u stand for there is no them the they that they are is who u see towards the end something empty and dark
“How could I have been so stupid (for 24 years!)” “Why didn’t I trust myself when I saw those millions of red flags?” “Why did I tolerate this?”
me too
Oh this this THIS!!!! Why did I still marry him when there were so many red flags? How could I let so many things slide that were so against what I felt and believed?
Now that we are no longer together I ruminate on how much he is doing for his new wife, things he never did with me. I wonder why he's doing those things with her family when he used to avoid my family!? I wonder if he's intimate with her or whether he married her because she has zero desire for kids? I wonder how long it will take for him to show his real side to her.
I think most of all I worry that it was me all along that was the problem because he seems really happy with his new wife and I'm still struggling. I ruminate on all the things he said I was over-reacting to when we were together, things that were attacks on my very centre of being. He still does veiled attacks and pulls the "that's not what I meant" when I mention them. It is so difficult to be attacked this way through the kids we have together.
Pat Jones Thank you, Pat. :
DariannaPlays Yeah, that’s pretty true for me too. I always thought it was me. Because “he’s such a “good” guy. In a way his gift to me was he changed from covert to overt when he saw he was losing control. It was shocking to see the “truth”. But it helped me realize that all those inklings i had were right. I DIDNT make it up
Stop beating yourself up ! Fact is you're not stupid in any way, shape or form KNOW THAT in your soul ! not your fault you were preyed upon by a piece of shit ( a narcissist is a master of emotional manipulation ) They prey on decent innocent, moral and good people like you ( and me 🙄) thought I was stupid too until I realised it had nothing to do with my " intelligence" Some of the most intelligent people on this planet have been played by those scumbags Don't take it personal just learn from it Trust me it's a blessing in disguise because now you'll be able to spot them a mile away and know what to avoid in future relationships . Never look back , they're not worth it, look forward, great things are coming your way, if you do that 👍 Btw trust me your ex isn't " happy ' in his " new life" He just found another victim who in time, will realise she's been played too Pity the poor woman she for sure ,is suffering already as I write this comment Of course your the last person she will tell ( that's just ego and shame on her side, poor woman ) Smile 😇
I’ve blocked my ex, I feel calm I’m not ruminating because knowing that he didn’t care helps me move towards healing. But I do feel like I’m having withdrawals from the high. Be strong everyone!
Hi can I dm you? I'm right after a break up he's been cheating on me for last months,each month with a new person. So minimum 6 girls. You seem like someone confident who could make me feel a little stronger. Please
I once read a very good book about leaving an abusive relationship, or being abandoned by an abuser and how we obsess and ruminate endlessly as we spiral down into worsening depression. The book advised to try an exercise where we only allow ourselves 15 minutes a day to obsess, then we have to force ourselves to think about something else , do something else.......I tried it and it was hard at first but in time it began to work. I did my 15 minutes a day, then I went to the gym. Or read a good book. Or tried new recipes - I was a single mother with teenagers to feed. I took up tennis lessons on Saturday mornings. I got a part time job. I began doing things I had never dreamed of doing - I trained as a Samaritans volunteer and loved it, loved helping others who had far worse problems. After a while I found the 15 minutes a day obsessing burdensome and took up too much time. I had moved on.........and I was OK.
Love this! There's hope. 😊
Wonderful!
My therapist suggest this but 1hr and I still couldn't stop it, I feel hopeless
What is the book?
Well done!
1- Distract with things that are meaningful or pleasurable
2- Practice Mindfulness
3- Deep slow breathing
4- Make an ick list - all the bad thing that have happened or continue to happen in your relationship
5- Joyful defiance- do all the things the narcissist told you not to do, mini rebellion
Thank you for that list - assume your wisdom was gained the hard way .... I'm currrently still trapped and finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry and bitter all the time - will try writing it down on the ick list then moving straight on to the other items!
@@moodyonroody5313 thats the only thing holding me sane, now they cant hide from me with their fake emotions
Thank you Luisa
Reading this just put me in tears. It was so easy for my wife to have an affair, I took her back it was easy for to move on very fast every argument that we had she would find a reason to blame me for her affair after taking her back I tried to please her for two more years, hoping that she will be fixed. I collected a settlement and she took some money and left and moved a couple of blocks away from me it’s been three months since she’s been gone and she’s been trying to connect with me. And I’ve been trying to protect my heart and not engage, but it hurts to see her move on in just two months. With someone else on and we’ve been together for 15 years it is so difficult not to keep in contact with a narcissist when you have a child with them and it’s even hard to see that you’re easily replaced in two months This is a pain I wish nobody would face.
Thank you.
I ruminate about the lies: about the ones I discovered and the potential ones I was not able to uncover timely.
Happens to me too and it sucks honestly
@@AryaManIndia Same here....I am in hell.
But we ARE NOT TO BLAME. I have that feeling also a lot and that is the most horrible...
@@AryaManIndia I've been there a half year ago and i live like hell. yet trus me, YOU CAN DO IT! I manage to walk out slowly from the day i block him on my every social media. I gain my peace a lot. With the help of psychology and spiritual healing, i'm much more better now. Good luck everyone.
Same here too....I just want to break the cycle. I don't know what's worse....ruminating when I was with him....with all of his cheating. Or ruminating now that I am away from him....
@@JM-dv3zn Absolutely! The ruminating and stress during was horrible! I developed fibromyalgia because of it.
We will get there!!! Slowly but surely. Love and strength to you 💜
The ruminating was a special kind of torture. It was sickening, scary, I felt absolutely out of control. I was trying to process logically what the heck was going on in that and other narcissist relationships. Night and day it was constant and blocked me from getting stuff done that I needed to be taking care of. Even now the thought of how that crap was controlling my life was horrific. I did a lot of what was suggested and also tried to find some good in everyday. I tried to laugh as much as I could by watching funny shows, laughing with people I talked to. I was amazed when I actually did find something funny because it made me realize I could laugh. I started getting my creativity back. Once that opened up again I went hog wild with ideas. I focus on being grateful for everything I can think of. Grateful for a little cup of coffee, sitting outside for even 2 minutes listening to birds, feel the breeze, see the sun come up. Being in MY moment. Being future minded now for me. I keep trying to educate myself on the narcissist behavior because I never had a name for the behaviors I had experienced in those relationships. But if it draws me back I take a break, do my stuff and try to keep above it.❤🎉❤🎉❤
this was very helpful for me thank you for sharing
Can I please dm you?
“I wasted my life”
“Maybe I’m the crazy person”
“Maybe I’m a narcissist”
“Maybe I just wasn’t the one”
All these comments helping so much because I’m like am I the narcissist. She was good, I have to give it to her but thanks be to god I now see clearly and can move on. We’ll never get off the break because she sick
All lies your brain tells you..seriously!
All of these. “There is something wrong with me.” “If I had not gotten angry about the cheating, he would have changed.” “I ruined this relationship by being emotional about what was happening.” “Maybe if we get back together, it will be better.” “Maybe I’m too demanding or hard to please.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “I ruined everything it was all my fault.” “Maybe as long as there wasn’t intercourse this time it’s not really cheating.” “Maybe I need to be more open minded.”
@@nancyeyles6898 it is scary how your thoughts are identical to mine.
A hard thing to wrap around my head is that a narcissist pretends the love you, when in reality they just don't care about your feelings.
They love themselves only...you are a toy that is there for their enjoyment to play with...
@@maryjankowski9032 until they are ready to dump you
@@isacece1334 yep..so painful.
Remember that this is NOT because you’re unlovable, but because they don’t know how to love. You are absolutely lovable. 🤗
yeah, because we tend to judge people according to how we ourselves feel. I had this thing too. The fairy tale they create is so desirable that we ought to close our eyes on the action that stand behind it. When they tell they love you, but clearly show zero signs of compassion and care, and it's always about them. their problems, their life.... aaaggrrrr so disgusted after my eyes were open
This aspect of a narcissistic relationship is truly debilitating and paralyzing.
This is the part that's nearly killed me this last year. It's paralysis.
@@RolandHulmeit’s been three years how are you now.
It’s important, as well, to forgive yourself for being duped and challenge any false quilt you may feel for having escaped the narcissist.
I’ve thought almost all of the things I’m reading in everyone’s comments here. I’ve never felt so heard
Same
The same...Matt..the same
@Matt C That's so awesome to hear!!
This thread is a wonderful, safe place to come➖🙏😊✨
I 💖 @DoctorRamani so much.
She had been such a Godsend to me. And, to literally hundreds of thousands of people just like us. I hope this channel will bring you some peace of mind. There's so many supportive people who care & understand because they too have suffered from narcissistic abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
May God and all of his Heavenly Angels bless you today and always ➖🙏💖😊
Same! It's painful
It's nice to have a community.
"Seeing the red flags in reverse and realizing how my whole relationship was ONE HUGE MIRAGE."
Alternative realities.
A mirage is Satan trying and succeeding to distract us from what is in front of yourself
@@Crazychick64 Praise Beezlebub! The all powerful destructor! He's so misunderstood...what a hoot to hang out with. To hell with you Ruth...no offense; it's like a Christian saying God bless you. We satanists greet each other with to hell with you, and use it as a parting gesture. Sigh. What the hell am I on about.
@@michaelmiller8455 I don't know but it's entertaining!
@@Crazychick64 Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Hope you have a hell of a week, Ruth.
A narcissist makes sure you think their next partner is going to be so much better than you. It’s a part of devaluation.
That didn’t happen. I recognize that my narcissistic exes downgraded
@@johncrandall5782 yeah I think they actually do downgrade because they find a person easier to manipulate
Narcissistic infidelity differs from "normal cheating", because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they've committed! In fact, they convince themselves it's your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they're a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They'll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why is the new partner better than me?" because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it's also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring-all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other. The problem is, they see "love" as receiving constant attention and adoration. This is what they give to you, and this is what they want to receive in return. The NY Times describes it this way. "Narcissistic alexithymia: The inability to understand or describe the emotions in the self. Unable to know themselves, sufferers are unable to understand, relate or attach to others. To prove their own existence, they hunger for endless attention from outside." Narcissistic "supply" is really just a distraction from this condition. When you fail to relieve this (because no external factor can), you are punished and replaced. No matter how caring and kind you were, they still don't feel good, and their disorder convinces them that a new partner will be the magical fix to everything. This is when you get "split" as the crazy bad person so they can justify their sudden change of heart. Even though they blame you, I hope you can see that this process has literally nothing to do with you. You can follow their new relationship, hope it fails, analyze yourself, analyze them, try to be more perfect, prove yourself, figure out whose fault it was, etc. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Turn your focus from external to internal. What do you feel? Inadequacy? Shame? Rejection? Betrayal? These are your feelings, and those are what matter. You need to work with these feelings, understand them, and learn to offer yourself the comfort and love needed to heal them. Otherwise you're just left with an unresolved mess of pain from an impossible situation, and a frightened heart that believes it's at fault. Left untended, it'll eventually just fade into a numb obscurity. Work with this pain, understand it, talk with it, communicate with your body. This is the most important thing you can do. Every time you're tempted to check on them, ask yourself what you're feeling. A void? Emptiness? Loneliness? Resentment? Numbness? These issues cannot be resolved through searching externally. Yes, they were created by an external factor, but it's your wound now, whether you want it or not. You are the only person who can decide to nurture these wounds and build a loving relationship with your emotions. If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
This was so well said. It is exactly what I experienced. Till just a few weeks ago I realized all this! Terrifying what is out there! Thank you for your insight!!
This was so insightful. Thank you
@cindymartin2655 I hope you can heal from your trauma and learn to love yourself the way you deserve. Focus on your health and exercise regularly. Work on your career, hobbies, spend time with friends & family. Travel and do new things. It takes some time but you will feel better eventually! ❤
thank you so much for this comment. you have no idea how much i needed it.
4:02 😂that was meeeee
It makes me sad to consider the number of minutes, hours, days, years I have spent ruminating. It's as if I've given my life away to it. I will try some of Dr. Ramani's tactics.
I've spent a lot of hours of recent watching videos on narcs. Understanding how the disorder works and what I was actually dealing with made it easier for me. It took away the dirty/used feeling and made moving on possible.
I still ruminate 6 years later. I just ask myself what don’t I feel like doing today and do it anyway. You can embrace the suckiness of it and get on with things after a while.
THAT bothers me a lot, the wasted time..when I've got so much to do. Then also taking my frustration out on others because I'm exhausted ....not fair to my family.
@@Maddie-5 not wasted time. I understand how frustrating/disappointing it can be, but aren't you a stronger person now? You still have family in your life who really love you. You're free! You're life is going to be so much better now.
I feel your pain i was thinking that too when she said that. I know it sucks!
"Did he ever really love me?" Biggest rumination
I think you know the answer to that . The problem is that Is unbelievable . Deep inside we know the answer, we just can’t face it. You can’t abuse what you love. We were their best choice , their trophy. So here we are ruminating. Lol. So sad. But just make fun of it. Well that is the way I am .
@Lyla Moon. Yes.
He portrayed someone "in love", for a little while, but the feelings went away, he said, when I started " being someone else",... Stood up for Myself, questioned him.. Told him What he was -- a Covert Narc.
So.. No he never truly did. But he's not Capable of it; none of them are.
Biggest rumination...no they did not love me.
@@dianella2008 Thank you. I understand this, but the reality still causes me to play it over and over(what meant everything to me meant little to them)I meant nothing when push came to shove. However I did gain from the experience(I grown wiser stronger) but also lost a lot. Still struggle with what happened.
It will eventually get easier and the what ifs will fade away with the memories. At least we have our empathy and can feel all the feelings they're incapable of. At least now we know it's something wrong with them not something wrong with our hearts.
this video is like a big hug from someone who is saying "It's okay, I get it. It's normal. You don't have to feel ashamed for constantly thinking about it. Let us together find ways to help you heal and live." thank you, doctor.
🙏🏽
This comment hits home. Thank you for this
We sure appreciate & look forward to Dr.Ramani's "hugs" from someone who understands . Hugs to all of you 🤗💞🙏🏼😇🕊️💫
I feel like I’m being hugged too 🥰🥹
I'm ashamed I spent 31 years being treated like this 😢.
The thoughts I've been caught up in since ending the narcissistic relationship ended are 1. Do they ever think about me/miss me? 2. Did it mean anything to the person? 3. Did they ever care about me at all?
The answer is no.
I feel like I’m constantly thinking “maybe I’m the narcissist?” “Maybe I was wrong?”
I want everyone to see my side of the story after my name was dragged through the mud. I obsess over it.
Same!!
I agree with this too, but one thing I know is, even if I am a problem it matters not, because he isn't faithful and he does not love or want me and me alone so it doesn't really matter if I am toxic or not, he doesn't want me so I need to move on. And yes, he is bombarding me saying I am then i am not the problem. I have admitted to my down falls in the relationship I have apologized and begged for the cycle to stop. In the end, his actions do NOT match his words, so it matters not, I must somehow move on in my life.
7 years later and they all still believe him over me. He is an abuser. If I could go back and change one thing, I would go back and find a way to let go of hoping the truth would come out. It's a harsh and painful reality but let them all go, you know the truth and you deserve a good life, not one bogged down by memories of a narc. and their fan club 💜
Hi sweetie!!! Narc can’t comprehend that no matter what you did!!!!!
But then you also worry that if you overshare your trauma to people, they might suspect you're a covert narcissist trying to fuel a victim mentality......
i ruminate about the red flags I did see, the lovebombing that wasn't real love and why I'm drawn to dysfunctional partners.
Wow... you also described MY ruminations to a tee... I also ruminate about the finality of it....
I just find the realisation that it is unfixable to be very saddening... 😔
I ruminate about how I thought for so long that I was not trusting enough and that I was horrible for doubting him. I can now see it was deliberate lying and cheating. The fear is that I am not seeing things in my life NOW that may be just as awful. I doubt my judgement, and go over and over the past looking for some key clue I missed that would prevent me from ever being hurt that way again.
But now you can SEE it!!
Ditto 💟 but I finally healed
Shit. I don't care, nobody perfect! And that's not a weakness it's a strength! Know who you are and know who they are. Nobody cares more less than the narc.
”when did things get so bad?”
”was any of the relationship real?”
”why did I accept so many bad things?”
” did their relationship work?”
” do he miss/think about me?”
"why am i not enough?"
"how can i be enough?"
"did she love me ?"
"why didn't she love me?"
"why did she treat me so bad ?"
"can i be better?"
"maybe its all my fault" 😔
omg all of this. I just started crying because I have felt so confused about myself. I had to question constantly that maybe there is just something seriously wrong with me. I would never do that to someone something has to be wrong with me.
@@violetrayne one year and we broke up if August. I’m still ruminating! Why can’t I let him go?
Exactly.
And to answer the most important question: it was as real as the pink unicorn starring at me right now...
The bitter truth it's always better than the sweetest lie. U can Start work with it and build anew, healthier.
I chose to acknowledge that the love I felt was real. It was deep, it was beautiful and I am grateful he mirrored me my own intensity. It was the first time I felt myself that intense. I'm not beating myself up with that question any longer....it is unnecessarily painful. What I felt was real, even though it might not have been that 'real' on his side. That's the only thing that counts. Keep on loving.
Yes -- and over and over again ! Why can't someone brainwash me like the narc did to help me forget about the pure hell I am and have gone through
“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
@@jazmine9570 He certainly nailed rumination. We're ALWAYS tired, eh?
@@jazmine9570 Nietzsche's idea of an ubermensch was in fact a kind of human that would not need policemen or god and jesus to be kind and do the right thing... on the other hand, I don't thing he was very good at mingling at a party
@@marcdecock7946 Dude was ahead of his time, and definitely too smart for the room.
@@user-zu9kk5et8b I LOVE NIETZSCHE! bad ass dude all the way around!
@@legalservices8856 I agree.🤘 I like you, too. We speak the same language. I could have written your reply. 🤘😎🤘
It helps hearing that we ruminate so much because the way they treat us just doesn’t make any sense, and our minds are desperately and relentlessly trying to make sense of it. I don’t want to be robbed of my life anymore. Thank you. 💖
Agreed and sometimes we will never get the answers we want and we have to just accept it and know that we did everything we could and that it was not us. We deserve better and everyone should work on forgiving themselves and having compassion for yourself first and foremost because this was emotionally traumatic for all those who unfortunately had to experience it.
@@jclyntoledo Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
Maria, Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
Yes, that's it for me too. Trying to make sense of the insanity. There is no sense.
I totally agree, I am obsessed with trying to understand this person, and I get angry because I can't stop ruminating.
My rumination patterns look(/ed) like:
-thinking about the "good times"
-thinking about the bad times (esp. when he lied to my face)
-anger that what I thought was a good friendship (let alone the desire to be in a relationship) was all fake
-thinking about all of anxiety I had before initiating "clarifying conversations," none of which actually helped
-going over red flags
-thinking about how cruel he was (even when I called him out on it. And how much worse it got when discarding me).
-resenting the fact that our mutual friends ignored what was happening, welcomed his new supplies with open arms, and completely dropped me.
-worrying about how he will hurt his new supplies
-wondering if his childhood trauma stories were fake
-feeling guilt/shame for getting swept up in all of this
-worrying about the long-term effects of my trauma responses
💯
Exept for the childhood trauma, it is precisely the same for me. I got over the "good" moments now, since there was always a bad side just at the corner. I know I am changed forever, I just hope I can find back some normality in my emotion, and of course a bit of my self-esteem (that was not great to begin with) that he completly shredded.
Everything seems so familiar 💔
I always considered myself to be a very strong person and perceptive. I could not understand how I got caught up in this situation.. I always had a knot in my stomach.always felt like he was hiding things and lying..and he was a pathological liar.i have been trying to move on for 6 months. But keep getting drawn back in , thinking if he would just do this or that everything would be good.it is all just lies...
All this sounds familiar too. Really same stories
Yes. I ruminated for decades. And I knew how I was treated was wrong. I was ruminating about brining my narcissists to justice so to speak. It's January 2024. And I've finally decided to stop. I fully realize that the people who abused me in my life will never, ever change. And when my mind tries to put these imagined arguments into my mind's eye, I shove them 'out of the room' so to speak. I should also add that, one, they're my parents. And two, I no longer have any contact with them.
The gaslighting, deflecting, and minimizing was so intense that I actually had doubts about the things I saw with my own eyes and had piles of proof for. I had to step out for 3 months in order to get my own thoughts in line. It’s insane to think that another person can rewrite your brain.
Yeah I went through all that to the deflecting the minimizing the digs nitpicking the subtle gaslighting sometimes the intense gaslighting. There's a reason why they're called crazy makers but in reality it's just them projecting that doesn't change the fact to damage they cost already
100% same
Even the police make us doubt our own sanity because they visit the narc ex and say all is fine, why did I report him!
That's why I got a video of the physical abuse didn't help still went back out for now
I feel this is especially true with Narcissistic parent/s. Thanks for your share, I find it so relatable.
"Why do I remember her few kind gestures better than her countless moments of meanness?" ... "why can I not let this go so easily?"
You remember the "kind" moments more, because our brain works like this. It's easier for us to remember things that are connected to positive emotions. For me it was helpful to read old conversations with friends of mine (Whats App etc) to remember the bad stuff and especially me feeling so desperate and lonely because of my ex boyfriend. Purposefully remember all the pain they put you through and hug yourself. Tell yourself that you are sorry that you had to go through it. We all deserve better 🙏
I am so grateful. I so appreciate this video. I do have the rumination situation.
Watch Euphoric Recall by Dr Ramani. Helped me a lot. I'm with you....can't stop remembering the good times.
#THIS is my biggest rumination. 13 year's with this Man, the horror story that I have been living. My saving grace, no children. GOD saved me, but, not before Hurricane Charlie tried to destroy me and my kid's. Now in the aftermath, I am cleaning up the mess and, putting it all together again. He just occupies so much space in my head and I want it to #STOP !!
@@nuna2968 my narcissistic mother abuses myself from decades through gaslighting,blame shifting,guilt tripping,sarcasm,verbal threats etc.This is happening from my beginning of adulthood and she also isolates myself from friends completely for 9 years and just manipultes me as a primary supply.but fortunately now i am 26 yrs old man and started recognizes her abuse and healed myself through my hobbies and start enjoying life again. But i have deep ocd symtoms and also ruminating about anything over and over at a daily basis
I cut off my narcissist over a year ago, and I think about him everyday. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't miss him or want him back, I just stay angry.
Me too! I broke up with mine a month ago and I feel exhausted, angrier, and less vibrant. The relationship ultimately narrowed my world & f**ed with my head. Luckily, I got out quickly, and recognized the manipulations, control, & gaslighting. It just took time to determine that *that* was the constant, not the love-bombing & superficial pleasantness.
I try to look at it as a class spent learning how they acted was not healthy. So I spent the time and effort and gained an education. Now I want to learn how to diffuse narcs craziness. Number 1 maintain distance and autonomy. Number 2 recognize telltale traits. Number 3 focus on my equanimity ( hard). Number 4 make healthy decisions to not be fooled about who they really are. Do not ever give them the benefit of the doubt. They will snap as soon as you lower your guard. Be vigilant. Don’t poke the bear. Don’t placate them. You may have to consider changing jobs or churches or schools or even your address. And then guess what?! New ones will intrude. Problem is recognizing them soon enough not to have shared anything private. You may think you need them as a friend but you don’t know yet that they are nuts.
The narc is especially hard to get off your mind. The only time I get peace is when I sleep. As soon as I wake up the hurt and pain come back. It is so exhausting and I am so damn tired. How do I let it go? It is killing me. I have never felt so much pain and hurt in my entire life.
@@brassgal5039 I completely understand. Luckily, after more than a year of suffering, I’m able to think about him without getting angry. I found out that if I respond to him or allow him back in my life, thinking that somehow, things will be different, just prolongs the misery because THEY NEVER CHANGE.
@@TheCantstopem Same here. Exactly. Constant emotional/mental torture.
Listening to your videos honestly is my best coping skill for rumination. It's also my method to distract myself from the momentary pain, while still feeling like I'm working on "solving" my problem long term.
You are doing Saint's work, ma'am ❤
I wholeheartedly agree!
This is spot-on. I ruminated for entire days after I first left my partner. Outsiders don’t understand why we can’t just leave it in the past and “move on”. Well it’s really not that simple. Living with cognitive dissonance for so long leaves us questioning our own perceptions of reality and not to mention, our self-worth. Having a relationship with a narcissist is like watching a psychological thriller and then never being able to see the conclusion of the film. We’re left wondering if any part of the experience was genuine.
@Clare Baker So well said. Congrats on your 6 months narc-free! I’m celebrating 2 years in November :)
All the best to you!!!
@Clare Baker
Wow
Thats exactly me
Thank u for putting it into words
So true!!!
@Clare Baker reading this brings tears to my eyes because it's like ur writing what is going on in my life .....I was with him for 3 years .....stood by his side with all his nasty behaviors......only for his ex to come into our country for holiday ....he threw me aside for those 4 weeks....now that's she is gone he is ringing my son phone asking to see me ......I want to forget about him but it's so hard......he brought a lot of excitement into my life ....now he just have me sad and moping all the time ......
You’ve changed my life
“Maybe she’s not a narcissist?”
“Maybe I am just a horrible person instead of her?”
“Maybe I do just have a distorted sense of reality like she said”
I find it very hard to trust my own opinions/ thoughts as I have always been told that I am wrong
Same
I know how you feel.I do the exact same thing. Its not you. Its them. :(
same!!!!
Absolutely same here. Until my spouse witnessed the behaviour I never felt believed and so stopped telling anyone and shrunk into myself thinking all these years there is something wrong with me. I’m unlovable.
Me
Here’s my biggest rumination. “How can everyone else love this guy so much, what if I’m really the problem?” I have been writing down all the dismissal, gaslighting, the emotional lies, the baiting, the fact that he provokes fights to get an emotional reaction and then says “See? You’re the one getting all worked up!”
Then when I start ruminating I read the list. Now with your help I have more Arsenal to move forward. God bless you!
Me too, but even worse is it's my mother. I get to think about not only everyone else thinks she is wonderful so do my brother and sister. They go so far as to tell me she doesn't treat anyone else like this so I must be the problem.
@@gingerreynolds2017 Me too. It is hard when your mother is that person.. Thanks for sharing
It's just not one thing. They are who they are. Narcissists don't change. They do what they do. The only thing I have control over is me and my actions. I have to accept responsibility for my part... What did I do to attract this person into my life? How long did I accept unacceptable behavior? How often did I accept blame that didn't belong to me? And the most important question is WHY did I do X, Y, Z...? That's where the real work is....
I promise you that the people that love him are Narcs too. Life is more lonely when you’re real
YESSSSSS!!!!!!!! Exactly!!!! Everyone always saying “you’re so lucky” or “he’s so charming”. So nice to see I’m not alone
Questions I’m asking myself
-how did he pretend for so long?
-how could someone be so evil to someone innocent?
-how did I not see it?
-how long was he gonna do this to me?
-why’d he want a double life?
-how could you have no remorse when we lived a life together?
-will I be able to find love or trust again?
-will I be emotionally ok?
-how do I heal and move forward?
-why did this happen to me?
-why am I in love with such a damaged/wicked person?
-how will this affect me?
-will this be the type of person I keep falling for?
-how do I fix my own childhood trauma?
-I feel different now
-who am I?
I’m 23, and I’m tired💔
I hear you
I can definitely relate to you, and I am much older. I hope that you are doing better now.
“If I had set clear boundaries in the beginning, non of this would have happened” and thinking what I should’ve said over and over again.
Now when I start to think I imagine dragging the thought to the trash on a computer.
I really love that image of "dragging the thought to the trash on a computer"! I'm going to try it. Thanks for sharing what works for you.
Same for me
Thank you very much for posting what you have posted. I'm sitting at work as I am watching this video and saw your comment. Your comment cemented the realization that I can totally do that and start to move on instead of crunching company time on my personal problem. Thank you. Now, back to work as a productive member of society ought to...
I said this to my psychologist, because I thought it was my fault as I must not have set boundaries well enough at the start of the relationship.
He told me that boundaries are like fences around your home; they only keep the honest people out 😂
He said you shouldn't have to write a document of boundaries in order to have people show you respect, decency, or common courtesy.
I love my psych!
matrig6 glad Xs x
This Covid lockdown has triggered major ruminatin for me since there is a limited amount of things to do now....
Me, too....way too much time to think
Yeah, that sure doesn't help!
Yes..a thousand times yes..this whole pandemic lockdown situation has been a drain on my mental health. As Dr.Ramani says, I started to make a list of distractions hopefullu it will help
Me too but then I started taking 4000 IU of vitamin D3. It helped a ton. I wasn't going outside. Just sitting inside and clearly I was Vitamin D deficient. Just a thought. May or may not help you but it helped me a ton and a lot of my friends.
@@jazz19101 I just found out I too was low on vitamin D
Ruminate over “why did I stay”? “Why couldn’t I walk away?” “why do I hope so much that he’ll change?” “Does he miss me?” “When will I stop missing him?”
lol good suggestions sis
I hear you loud and clear!
Kristen L Franz yes. All of them.
Yes! This is my rumination too!!
Let's ruminate this together... "Our freedom is their Karma!" 👍🏼 😁 💗
I have always been a ruminator. This was baked into me. It’s from these things: family warnings and paranoia about personal safety (be careful), their perfectionism, and my entire nuclear and extended family was always doing things, house projects, etc. Something always needed fixing. It was never quiet. I was also always supposed to be learning, doing, not being lazy.
This is not a good recipe, and not when I met the Narc who needed and demanded all of me. They took up every bit of my attention and abilities to solve their problems and occupy their time. I was programmed to respond, to jump in, to fix things and it always took my mind to work through.
The one thing I am struggling with is, " what did I do to deserve this?"
What you did was to offer normal human trust, but the person receiving it was not a normal human. It was an accident of meeting. You did nothing wrong.
This is the one !!!!!
It’s an opportunity for us to heal our childhood wound. These people come in our life to teach us a VERY HARD lesson.
Me too
You didn't do anything because you didn't deserve this! You are not to blame. I know hearing it from a stranger might not fldo much for you but I am blamed every single day for everything that's wrong in the world and I have been sucked into the lie that is self-doubt and blame myself for staying in this hell I live in currently. But we did not deserve this!
I think I been ruminating since I was a kid. To run away from my reality. To find a happy place in my mind. That is sad
I guess that's europhic recall... check out Dr. Ramini's video on that topic
Same!!!! Omg I thought I was the only one.
@@ap679 Sometimes it is. Sometimes, however, it might be a wish to escape from the relationship. This is something Dr. Ramani noted as happening to "truth-tellers", as in, those who recognize that there is something wrong with the relationship early on. People like this may not know every detail of what's wrong (Dr. Ramani didn't mention this, but I do because I was one such person) but they know that the world they are stuck in is wrong and that it has something to do with the people they are surrounded with, and they also know they don't like the person for the things they do, they don't trust the "good times" coming from said people knowing they are contaminated somehow, and overall they can't stand the idea that they will have to put up with their abusers (or anyone like them) for the rest of their life. So they fantasize about escape, knowing or believing escape from the area (especially to a far away place) is the only way to get this hell to stop.
For anyone who went to their "happy place", I would suggest watching the video on euphoric recall and the video on "truth-tellers", because both phenomena can lead to running away from reality and trying to find a happy place in one's mind (and, in the case of the truth-tellers, planning and dreaming of the day they will finally be able to escape).
Note that if you are a truth-teller, do NOT give up hope, since, if you were in that role, the hope you had was likely not invested in the relationship, but rather in getting away from it and the idea of being all right. All giving up hope will get a truth-teller is suicidal thoughts and total despair. Just remember to invest hope in the idea of a better future AWAY from abusive dynamics, healing from trauma, and the idea of getting by if that fails - apart from trying to win abusers over or even to impress them (the latter of which might still be fantasized about by truth-tellers), because even impressing abusers may not happen, abusers will find many types of excuses to ruin that.
Just don't ever invest all your hope in one person, especially those who do toxic things. Hope is a thing to be invested, and it should be invested in sources apart from toxic relationships. Because investing hope in toxic relationships is like investing your money with a scammer. Whereas investing hope in the idea of finding a better future is like investing money in a legitimate account - that might fail if it's just one source, but if your hope is invested in several non-toxic sources, you will be able to use it to give you the energy to create a better future for yourself.
Me
Same for me
Its also in a sick way, a way to not totally let go of them. Even though you don't miss them or want them back. Weird.
I guess u give so much of yourself u get low self esteem and forget that you are important & get so sad thinking you can't recover without that person .
thats a trauma bond
seems to be one positive way of getting over such a thing: them hearing from others that you're doing fine and you picked up the pieces and moved on...
It makes sense why the scripture says to focus on praising God and thankfulness of all He has done. It helps us to stop ruminating.
I think dwelling on certain thoughts is a habit that starts in childhood because you try to figure out how to avoid the minefields with a narc parent so run things over and over to avoid problems.
Absolutely! You try to set up scenarios in your brain for how it should have been to counteract the bad. All it does, is show you the evil. Sometimes (most often) there was no reason for it in the first place.
Yep!
Yes! That's how children try to protect themselves.
Exactly.
Wow just today I walked back into that minefield when someone asked how I wanted to contact my narc. I need some property back from them but the flood of strategies and anticipation for the worst rushes back in. I never get anything done because I think too damn much!
"what if he really didn't have narcissistic personality disorder?"
"why didn't he love me?"
"why did I let him abuse me like that?"
"why was I so blind to all of the abuse?"
"what if he changes and treats the next girl better?"
You took the thoughts from my brain... bedt wishes on your journey, lord knows thats all we can ask for!
He cannot it’s part of the trauma you can never loose on that
All lies your mind tells you...
He won't..pity the next female and be grateful you made it out.
Mine got married a few years after we broke up and has been married for 3 decades now and has kids with him, and I ruminate over how in hell can she put up with him? What could be wrong with her to live that way? Are there really women who would put up with his stone coldness just because he is rich? Could his whole time with me have been an incredible act, and when he met her did he magically change into a wonderful man because she had something I don't have?
that he will tell everyone , "Oh that ended, she was crazy".
My ex said "we are getting divorced. We had a good run." I couldn't understand why she was talking about our relationship like a failed taco truck
@@ChurchofCaboose Mine said "well, no one usually lasts more than a month. You should feel good about yourself." How do you even respond to being given a proverbial exit trophy?
@@aaronromulo2872 I have no idea. It sucks doesn't it though.
@@ChurchofCaboose Yes, yes it does.
True!
I really thought I was the only one going through this and I have even faulted myself for the inability to move on. Oh my!! It's freeing to know that it is a consequence of the narcissistic abuse. There's nothing wrong with me
"maybe he was right and it was all me"
"Maybe I am the narcissist"
"Why wasn't I loveable"
"Why wasn't I enough"
"Maybe I am horrible"
You are loveable thats why you were target. You are enough...
You have very good qualities.
Thats why they all did this. Your good qualities. They wanted your good energies& qualities. But they cant have them. They tried. They sucked all good energies out of you. Once you are out you will get that back. They are never you.
@@l.8612 SPOT ON! they suck the good energies out of you and fill u with self doubt!....they strategically do it.......there is a toxic vampire hiding behind that mask!! beware! run away!
I felt that. Doing exactly the same and I try to stop, but didn‘t figure out how yet 😏
Imagine if they died before you ever found out the truth that it was not you and then had to live the rest of your life thinking what you said. We are lucky to have Dr Ramani show us the truth. We can see the truth and you can see you are loveable and you are now even more Loveable. You Know what real Love is and that is beautiful.
I feel the same way.
The thing that helped me was remembering I was dealing with a hurt child most of the time not an adult. Also understanding how my relationship with my mother means I seek validation and approval in relationships. I am also learning to live in the present and trust my gut.
This is great.
I’m also a hurt child, but I don’t abuse. Nope. Don’t you dare push that here! F the toadstool of mommy commandeering my head and double F the idjits who feel sorry for her.
Good !! Yes my ex was a hurt child
@@lisar9425 This is an abusive comment in itself. I agree that feeling sorry for a narcissist is leaving yourself open to a bad road but I'm not sure that is what she meant and attacking any narcissist survivor for their journey is not cool. We are sisters here and all are learning. You have no idea what she has been through, still going through or what your attack has done to her emotionally. The comment could have been made with kindness and support which would have been actually helpful instead of weakening. Just saying because in our passion and pain we can hurt others too and set them back in ways we do not fathom We are already in our own hell enough.
As to the comment she is right. It is not an excuse it is a step up for us. It means that we don't have to take it personally. This person is defective and we cannot expect the treatment that we need , that anyone would need, from them in a relationship. They are not capable of it. Many of them have been broken. It's the truth, we don't need to skirt around it. It doesn't mean that they are safe or can be saved, they are not and cannot.
I think of them as poison now. Or snakes. Or children. Very nasty children that you are much better to avoid if you want to have a good life. They can't be helped. That's the part that gets tricky with this fact. (also there are many different manifestations, some are no more like children than Satan is like a child - I've dealt with a few, the latest definitely childlike mentality, the diagnosed psychopath, not so much.) It's easy to feel sorry for a child and want to help them which is I think where your comment comes from. We are all learning and healing. These are not actual children who may be saved. They are ruined human beings who will take you down if you have anything to do with them,
There is no right course of action except to stay as far away from them as you can get. I'd like for @DoctorRamani to weigh in here if she see's this comment. Meanwhile I'm just saying be mindful of how you may effect others and be supportive. We have had enough abusive and tear downs. Every Day Stronger. That's how I roll now.
Huh? Which what? My remark was admittedly bombastic, but hunh? My point was “Hurt People hurt people” is no excuse. Not everyone who’s been macerated by a covert narc goes on to hurt others. Granted, too many of us become auteurs of self sabotage. BUT NOT ALL OF US. The emotion that frees us from these parasites isn’t pity; it’s OUTRAGE.
I’m absolutely a chronic “ruminator”. Wondering if it was me, what I could’ve done better, and if I truly actually did suffer from narcissistic abuse! This is probably one of the hardest symptoms to deal with because it really does steal the joy of life.
same here chronic “ruminator and time just flies
I have asked myself everyone of these! Numerous times!
You're so good at ruminating that you do it on autopilot now, just like riding a bicycle. If you can practice recognizing ruminations and then distracting the thoughts, this too will become automatic.
Sameeeee!!!!
😥
Im at the end of a narcissists relationship, starting to stand up for myself and working on my way out. I ruminate about what i did/ didn't do get myself into this situation, so i can avoid it from happening again and how to get out of it. I want myself and my life back!
Ruminating is one of the last things to let go and takes a toll on you. “Rumination can’t fix the unfixable. It’s hurting you twice”. Thank You Dr. Ramani🙏🏾
She is right. I can't concentrate. I blamed myself for over fifteen years. Your videos doctor has really helped me to wake up and see what happening around me. Your videos have helped to show me that I am enough.
🥳
He made me feel like I wasn’t enough either. That’s why they try to isolate you from your friends and family. So that no one can take you away from them. It’s sick and twisted, he always tried to make me the bad person in every scenario. I was always defending myself .. I had to ask myself “Why am I even with this person ? Have I become codependent? And when did this happen? How? “ once I got my answers- He gave me the silent treatment which is manipulation.. after he tried his best to devalue me, I friend zoned him and said my final goodbye. Raising our standards is important even if it gets lonely by doing so. I gained so much peace as this relationship has ended, I rather have peace instead of a shit boyfriend who is insecure and controlling.
@@Dragonfly_magictarot what if its the mother. ?
@@sadiaq1693 I had to cut off all interactions with my mother when second and third and fourth chances underscored the fact that she is incapable of change. She is still a danger to others, but I cannot do anything about that. I had to make the no-contact break, and I am much healthier for it.
@@laraesque good to hear that. I wish I could do that. But being awake is helpful too.
My narcissist wrote me a VERY ugly letter last year. I carry it around in my wallet. Whenever I feel myself ruminating or wanting to reach out to him, I read it. I'm finding the letter less and less painful each time I do that.
great!
This is a really great idea
Thanks for the tip ! New idea here ! I'll do this !
EXCELLENT IDEA!
My Narcotic husband & I have been apart over a year now & I was quickly replaced actually before I left. He called me not long ago & said it would be cheaper to have me killed than to divorce me. We are still married & together 13+ years
The more you love yourself the less you ruminate.
I just thought of a great analogy for rumination. When I was a kid, I used to love untangling my mother's necklace chains. I would gently tug and separate until the crucial end was in sight and I could loosen the knot a little more. Eventually, I would pull all the entangled strands apart. I still love unraveling a tangle of yarn skeins or a knot of necklaces.
Rumination is like trying to untangle a knot that has no ends. You can spend a lifetime trying to tease out the right bit that would make it all work. But it can't happen. Yet we keep staring at that knot, pulling at it this way and that, hoping for the magic thread that will make it all right again. Meanwhile, our life is dribbling away, and solvable problems are being neglected.
Beautifully said!
Good analogy
Excellent analogy
I love untangling things too! And yes, ruminating is exactly like that. I’m going to try to use the image you just gave me to help stop. Three years is long enough. Thank you!
That was awesome! Thank you so much! I’m going to use that to stop ruminating! Bless you!
“Am I actually truly loved by this person, or am I just someone to be manipulated and useful for them?”
Good one!
This is what I feel too
Unfortunately I found out the truth and have the answer to this question being asked.... the answer was my suspicion he cared but not the way I thought he did yes I was manipulated and used
Same!!
Follow her advice and stick to 100% true "no contact". You probably can't tell right now but it works!
I wont lie because it does take discipline though.
Sooo hard but trying to stay no contact this time.😔😟🥺
Gods Purple yes!! it’s only been a month but I find myself falling back into my old thought patterns that made me go back the last time I tried
@@godspurple4805 write a list of "everything" he said and did to you that was wrong. Write about the person he gave you in the end. I'm know it wasn't good because all the relationships end almost the same way. The person in the end is who they are.
Use that list as your reminder of why you're walking away. Look at the list and think really hard. Ask yourself if you want to experience that once again or do you deserve better.
@@user-gy2vo4tk5b stay strong!
So hard when you have kids together ugh
This could not have landed in my feed at a better time. The rumination is hitting hard. I’ve been out of the relationship for about four weeks now, but it still hasn’t gotten any easier. In fact, the rumination has been hitting harder.
same. holidays? were better off, just keep loving u! were together in this crap hole mess. it’s the worst but we are together.
I used to obsess about closure & getting confessions & an apology. I'd end up crying because I couldn't believe he could do all of what he did to me and still not care enough to help me heal. Then, I'd regain my strength because I refused to give him control over my healing. I believe I've made my own closure now.
Hi dot. I'm struggling a lot with this right now and I'm very confused and distressed because of the lack of closure. I know I'm not gonna get the closure that I want from her. Any tips on how you took control of that? I want to take control of my healing
@@ChristoWilfredblr same here, you just have to tell yourself that the person is damaged and unable to think like a normal person with normal morals, and they move person to person doin this sometimes trying to give you round two of the same shit leaving you even more hurt when they leave again. The person is not happy how can they make you happy? They could only make you happy in brief moments it just the bull that makes you think it was bigger and better than it was. Heal yourself, if you give them a chance to help fix you chances are they will rip open your wound further if you do it your self nobody can do that and you will be right again. The person is not to be trusted.
@@gujubear1551 Thanks... That helped and you're absolutely right. My therapist also told me this is that these people are just not capable of empathy and expecting any from them is just setting yourself up for more hurt. Fuck her, she's dead to me. She cannot be trusted, you're right.
I wanted an apology and it was never given to me irl. I eventually realized that I shouldn’t have to be asking someone I love for an honest apology so I dropped it and found my own closure.
@@ChristoWilfredblr other thing that helps me to get closure is perceive the situation as a lesson. Understand that the other person is a mirror and I can see myself on them so I can learn from them (the good and the bad), the situation and myself. Obviously this is something to consider when you're on your way to healing. At first talking to friends, seek professional help, journalism or just let yourself feel can help a lot
Educated myself and something clicked when I realized that logic was the answer. Logically if someone abused you they don’t love you.
Its more complicated than that. My parents loved us but they did not realise what they said hurt. All the subtle gaslighting and invalidation. They still don't realise which is why they never stopped doing it.
I have said goodbye to them now in so many ways. Ihave cut off my resentful sisters, I was the golden child in our narcissistic dumb play.
"Hurting you twice!" Very well said and very true.
@N D It's a quote from the video that Doc Ramani said. Duh, it's been more than twice.
It's always up and down with the ruminating and cognitive dissonance - some days it's clear and I'm standing in my truth strongly but other days.... I fear it was all in my head, making me question everything, feeling crazy and even suicidal.
I'm scared it will never leave my head.
What happens when the sights and sounds of everyday life just keep reminding me of someone who never thought about me.
I'm so tired of being tired..
Can you imagen me after a couple of days that he dessapair looking at this men holding hands with his ex? I can't remove that from my head, tired , sad, hopeless , terrified ,.sad, alone , with thousands of questions , I cannot afford therapy, this is draining.
@@Jl-ou4jt im going thru it too. We can do it! Find therapy thru videos, find a social worker, find a church that offers support, find support groups on fb. Theres tons of free options to help you heal.
I was just thinking this right now. I'm so tired, for so long. It's draining
Right there is the answer, I know its extremely hard but stop caring about someone who never cared about you. I went through that shortly. The more I reminded myself that he wasn't losing sleep over me, never even cared, the more I began to not care anymore. Found Peace in myself doing this. Their loss not yours. Nope, they lost. Remember that. So much better than them.
@@Jl-ou4jt I found mine after they disappeared for 6 months. My wife of 10years, she was living in another house a new bf a new baby. I knocked on their door, my wife come to a window showed me her new baby and the only words i ever got was....." I have a new family now" 💔 Then she just closed the curtains like i never ever existed. I can never explain to anyone just how that felt. It haunts me still 4 years on.
I have spent years ruminating defending myself in my head... Trying to make sense of the chaos in the narcissist life or her grandiose unreal idea about herself.. Thank you❤️
Defending.... Well said, or thought! Ha ha!
You are not alone my friend. I still can't figure out where my logical side took a vacation and never came home.
@@jaimhaas5170 that's the point. There are no logic in a narcissists world. That's why we ruminate - our brains are desperatly trying to find some logic where there are none. Only ego, chaos and control ❤️
Same here. Spent years trying to figure things out, trying to make sense of it all, and still being left with confusion and doubt, maybe's and what if's, and never having a definitive answer. I've done exactly everything said in this video. It's a living hell
I’ve played prosecutor and defense attorney regarding her and how she treated me and how she behaved for thousands of hours. I have incessant dialogue in my head in an attempt to make sense of it. She stole my soul and my energy.
Lessons from dr Ramani:
1. Distract
2. Mindfulness
3. Breath
4. List the things that are/were happening in your narcissistic relationship
5. Do the things your narcissist told you not to do
Thanks just screen shot you list
Thank you. I wrote them down too!
Natasa Prot that is exactly what I did 3 months ago n it works wonders
👍💕
Number 5: Doing that. Learning to drive
My first joyful defiance was filling up my fridge with food. The kids were so happy. It brings tears to my eyes.
Rumination is "like trying to solve an unsolvable problem" - Dr. Romani.
Doc, you never disappoint with your knowledge, experience, passion and heartfelt concern. You said something worth emphasizing...you're right, there are not a lot of licensed professionals out there that can provide this level of support. So unfortunate because the need is so great. So I hope that other professionals take the time and learn from...in my opinion... a great servant of the people like yourself.
You are a treasure and I appreciate you so much! Continue to be well, stay strong and God Bless!
Ditto!
I so agree! I often feel Dr Ramani reads my level of discomfort -then offers explanation , validation and solution!!
Omg is that what she said? It is an unsolvable problem 😂
M W The crazy thing is that there are professionals who are narcs themselves...who feel entitled to exploit without empathy. Know your rights.
@@nanaanan4731 totally agree...even more reason why I so appreciate Dr Romani! She sets a "high bar" in a very good way.
My most common ruminations are: "why would they say/do that" "Why didn't I react/why did I freeze" I'll think of all the things I could have said or done differently "what's wrong with me?"
Me too and over time you come back to what deep down you really knew all along: you are freaks and how were you ever in my life?
Yeah
Why didn’t I do something is a big one for me.
Same i still feel the humiliation
@@villasoka884 please don't put yourself on a pedestal because someone chose to abuse you. The abuse everybody, they don't care if you're good or bad.
Victimhood is not about feeling special
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 8 months. I can truly say that I had no idea that women like her existed... but I don't regret one moment of it. I am using it as an opportunity to learn about myself... I realize now how easily she lied, and the utter disregard she had for my feelings.
I'm sorry to say that, during our final argument when I caught her yet again pruning fresh supply under my nose, I lost it... I said "You can't change a w$%re into a housewife" as I walked out. I regret that I allowed a situation to reduce me to that level of anger and basic behaviour... subsequent emails from her only proved that not only is she a narcissist, but apparently they absolutely HATE being called out. She is very prideful... who would have guessed? I had no idea about the depth of my statement until I started to listen to this series... she really can't change, or she refuses to. Rough.
Either way, I am a very, very lucky man. I escaped... no children, no marriage. Whew.
Good for you. It took me 35 YEARS! But, it’s been 12 years of no contact (after the divorce) so I’m doing fine now. I’m glad you’re not a slow learner like me.
Slapping you a super high five and a huge congratulatory hug!!! I got out after only 6 months. And although I am beyond grateful the pain was (and still is at times) super REAL!! Like you, I had never met a man ( in my case) like that before. I STILL find it mind boggling that people like this even exist. They say (well my guy did) they want a beautiful, kind, loving, trusting, honest , caring, understanding person and then people like us come into their lives (lured in my case LBVS 😄😬😳) and they truly don’t know how to treat us. It’s really pathetic!!
It took me 2 times of taking him back before I finally realized that the dream he sold me was indeed a NIGHTMARE and his ass was FREDDY!! Like you, I have definitely learned more about who I am as a person - lessons learned the hard way. But I am FREE and HEALING and I know my return to complete HAPPINESS beyond him is within reach, thanks in large part to videos and comments like these.
I wish you continued success and happiness my friend!! Be and STAY well 🙏🏽
@@sfc5774 could you replace the slow learner label with being an optimist and hopeful....
Youre lucky that you got out in time. I was w a malignant narcissist for almost 15 years in my youth, which in some ways ruined my life.
I didn’t know women could be like this. I just need her to come get her stuff from my partner so I can truly move on.
From the lack of a mother (emotionally abusive) comes hunger for knowledge. A therapist told me this and it is totally true in my case and I am sure it is for many others. Definitely, must get out of the rumination since no amount of 'conversations' (arguments, really) with my mother will ever help, that, I know now, thanks Dr. Ramani. I want to heal and be at peace with myself and although I cognitively I know I am worthy, I need to FEEL and BELIEVE that I am worthy.
"Did I imagine all of it"
"Was it that bad"
"Maybe I was selfish, maybe it was all in my head"
"How did I bring the worst in him (according to him) "
"Was my tone that bad"
"Maybe it's me causing everything"
I also had to record our conversations over and over to remember after the break up I wasn't dreaming all of it...
These are so common for all who’ve experienced this type of abuse. All of these are evidence examples of the seeds of self-doubt that were instilled. Anything less than self-trust is leftover abuse symptoms.
I keep playing his last voicemail voicemail he left me over and over : He was going to kill me when he finds me, I’m a liar and a cheater, that he’s sending people to come hurt me.
Every time I question and ruminate I play the message again.
It really is very grounding.
Since I figured out something is wrong with her i recorded every conversation we had so she can't deny
@@amscared2764 I told my ex I recorded him (he smashed my phone when he saw) that all the files went to the cloud so he can’t deny. He still said “I was asleep when I said it so I didn’t mean it..” like wow really… these narc people are nuts.
@@GLR-666for me I had learned a bigger lesson that i had never anticipated, the only question that linger in my head WHY ME, I mean why she chooses me even though I wasn't interested in her, this people are sick seriously
Dr Ramani your humility and authenticity are so refreshing. Can you run for President?
Ha ha ! Best comment here
I would vote for her blindly!! 🥰😍
If the White House sees this, she will be in trouble!
You got my vote!!!!
Funny, it’s the president’s actual behaviors that triggered me into studying up on Narcissism in the first place. I didn’t realize it had a name and that it was a thing.
Yesss she could change the world...but she is probably not narcissic enough to get the job ;).
Ruminating thoughts I have:
-"There's something wrong with me"
-"Maybe I am not deserving of love/companionship"
-Thinking that they will reach out to me sometime, telling me that they are sorry, and that they do care for me (they don't, and this will never actually happen)
-Ruminating on possible apologies, and making them up in my head (I know this also something that will never happen)
-"How could I be so gullible?"
-"How could I fall for something so fake?"
-"Why did I ignore all the red flag and everything my gut feeling was telling me, and instead pushed myself in deeper, getting even more emotionally invested?"
Thank you for sharing. My thoughts became such a part of me that I didn't know what they were. This has opened my eyes.
Hello Robot --- you are spot on!
I think and go over all of the 'what ifs' as if I can fix him. On 18 years of marriage and I finally figured out that he's NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!!! He is and will remain a neglectful narcissist .... however my escape is being planned and I will execute it at a time when he can't stop it. I am excited for my future once again. My day of escape is just over 45 days. Can't wait!!!!!
Yes, yes, yes!! I forgot to add these to my list as well. 😭😭😭
Ahhhh dude. Samem
@@virginiasanderson519 I'm so glad that you have an escape plan and I wish you all the BEST in your new journey of happiness & freedom!!!!! ❤️
I would play the entire conversation over and over. Maddening.