How to think about your narcissistic parent
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- Опубліковано 14 лип 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
When a stranger on the internet is more validating of your feelings than your own parents 👁👄👁
Right?! 😭
The kindness of strangers !
That's says something I think, at least to me it does
yep. It’s very telling. A good parent can admit their poor behaviour, maybe even apologize? But, they don’t and never will...compromising doesn’t exist.
So true!
If you can survive growing up under a narcissistic parent, and still be loving and have compassion, You Are A HERO
This feels good. Thank you.
Thank you for these words.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying that. I’m sure when I say this most feel the same way, we often feel the complete opposite of hero’s but the way you explain everything really opens our minds and shows us how resilient we truly are. The way I like to see it is the children of narcissistic parents are warriors who survived the war and the ones who have children afterwards and are the complete opposite of how they grew up are hero’s. Hero’s for the children. I always tell myself that I can thank my narcissistic mother for two things. Giving me life and showing me EXACTLY what kind of parent not to be. And I’m so happy to say that my daughter is an extremely happy child. She gets exactly everything I never did and I make sure of that every day.
Thank you very much!
Reminds me of Hero by Mariah Carey. I used to listen and love that song when I was younger. Put in headphones and listen while my momster was in a narcissistic rage path.
I am the daughter of a covert malignant narcissist. My mother lived until 95. I always felt she was too mean to die. I had an older sister who was brilliant but fat. My mother never let her forget it. She had 13 plastic surgeries and a gastric bypass to please my mother. She never married, had 6 abortions that I know of and killed herself at 55. I also never had children. I am married and 71 years old. I am the living member of my family on both my mother's and father's side. I was the FULL TIME caretaker of my mother the last 5 years of her life. After her death I discovered why I had no self esteem, no boundaries and a constant people pleaser. I came across Dr. RAHMANI and learned all of this. There is no one left to discuss this with who knew her. I am kind, compassionate and empathetic. I rescue dogs the one true joy of my life. I want thank all of the people who commented because I now see that I am not ALONE. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Now its time to live purely for yourself with all you love. I hope you have a good life.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. ((hugs))
My narc mother recently died. I felt no relief, just completely sad that my inner child still hurts. I actually did not realize how profound the pain is from narcissistic abuse until she died. To all narcissistic abuse survivors, hug your inner child and tell him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.
I had to wait until she died for me to feel safe enough to grieve. I wish you the deepest peace going forward. ❤
All these time I am thinking that I will probably feel the best once she dies😢
It’s worse than bad sugar
Didn’t give u good taste and leave a bad after taste
The hardest part about my mother is she can seem so kind and nice and seem empathetic. Then when I let my guard down she slams me and I get so angry that I fell for it. She is the nice Hostess and everyone comes to confide in her. For me, tough crap, she isn't interested.
I love you my friend. I love the piano in your avatar❤
I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel when Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissistic parents make me angry." Its nice to hear that somebody actually cares about us.
I felt good when she said that too.
IT IS NICE TO FEEL THE EMPATHY!! AND THE MORE NICE TRUE PEOPLE WE MEET THE MORE SELF LOVE KNOWLEDGE WE RECEIVE,MY MUM TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE WHEN I LAST BROKE NO CONTACT AND TOLD HER I HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR,IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE,SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE,SO,NO MORE BREAKING CONTACT FOR ME, HOWEVER I DID TELL HER WHAT I NOW KNOW,UR A NARC HISTRIONIC BIPOLAR, DAD WAS PSYCHOPATH ALL ABUSIVE,NO,NO GOING BACK FOR ME,SELF LOVE.UK
Especially when you have people telling you to be nice to your parents, even though you know what they are like behind closed door. It gets frustrating people complimenting, enabling or covering their bad behaviour.
Absolutely!! Watching this video felt like a private therapy session!!
My personal favourite, “Oh come on! She’s your mother!”
For anyone who needs to hear it: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!
❤️
🌹Thank you
What does this mean?
easier said than done! sometimes doing so prevents a consequentially bigger fire
YES..!!✊🏽 GOTDAM I definitely needed to Hear this..!!! Spot the Phuq On..!! 🎯 Those reared by a Narcissistic Parent have been "Conditioned" to assume responsibility for other People's Black&White, Irrational, Feelings For Facts, Emotional Unreality..!! 🤪=🚑..😷 Constantly invalidating what you believe and feel, even when you have concrete evidence..!!🧐 Once you finally figure out you don't have to give any 💩's (🚫💩's Given..!!✋🏽..😑) how they Phucking feel because it "Set's you on fire..!! 🔥" Expect the "Uproar of Epic Proportions" along with more "GasLighting" and Invalidation..!! And Yep..!! People will begin to look at you as cold and callous because you are being dismissive towards a "Toxic Parent" that CANNOT BE REASONED WITH..!! Your Job at that point is to continue to not give a 💩..!!✋🏽..😑 If they still don't get it..!! Your may have to resort to a "PHUQ HOW YOU FEEL..!!" YOUR FEELINGS AIN'T FACTS" level of defiance with them..!! Good Luck..!! ✈..🤘🏽..😎
1. You were robbed 2:27
2. Acceptance is a temporary solution 4:14
3. Stop gaslighting yourself 5:25
4. It was not your fault 6:23
5.Stop justifying their actions because they attended basic needs 7:26
6. You may not be at peace until they are gone 8:53
7. Step away from enablers 10:23
8. No contact vs. grey rock 11:15
9. Stop excusing their behavior because of their backstory 12:42
10. Stop wondering what would be like if it was different and reparent yourself 14:44
11. Stop waiting for them to change 17:15
Thanks ❤
Good on you.
This is very helpful. I tried grey rock and hoped they would come to their senses. They never change and with age their viciousness increases.
Thank you!! I needed this.
I’m on step 8 and it’s difficult but I know I have to keep going 😔
I’ve finally allowed myself to admit to myself that I wish my narcissistic parent would die. Admitting this helped me release a lot of trapped emotions and show up more fully for myself.
Same. I remember in 1996 my father passed away , I thought why couldn’t it be my Mom? My father got the narcissistic abuse from my mom and her family also. She’s 82 now , in mostly good health , and will probably live til her 90’s. Ugh why do the good die young. Seems the worst narcs live forever. 😢
I let myself off the hook for my wishing they were dead when I realized they always covertly felt the same about me.
malignant narcs are full to the brim of ill-will. PTSD is permanent fight or flight, the circuit that automatically activates when it detected a mortal threat in our environment.
as my trauma therapist said, you as a child didn't know if you would life or die in those moments.
absolutely true. and the PTSD → fight/flight SurViVaL mode proves they had murderous intentions despite their forebrains being active enough to inhibit acting on it - aware of police, jail, complete loss of face/public perception being the inevitable result of acting on their extremes of ill-will.
❤️🩹 I hope you found this useful
I have very little to do with my narc dad, yet he expects to control me. I am 60 and do not live with him. He is over-the-top in giving me unasked for advice(dictating to me, based on his unreasonable expectations). I never asked to be treated this way. When I was younger, I complained, he said "tough shit" The jerk!
The absolute worst part of having a Nacissistic parent is actually the rest of the family enabling them. Like guilt triping you for not accepting being treated that way, or in my case dismissing it completely like i'm making it up or exaggerating. Not having others to turn to is the real hell.
This.
Or you’re the problem and not them.
Oh this was my story too. I have no family as it was only healthy by walking away from them all. They ganged up on me and it was a total mind mess up. The family kept my two abusive ex partners in the family even after knowing that. We didn’t keep my sisters abusive exes in the family. One of my sisters is going out with my last ex of 12 years. Good riddance. We all deserve so much better. Much love and big hugs to you my friend.❤️
Boy! A mouth full was said here
Thats so true, I came to terms with my mothers behaviours when quite young, but have found it much more difficult to accept the behaviour from my extended family towards me, after years of trying for some kind of acceptance, I've recently made the move and blocked them all, it was much harder than blocking the mother because I like them, whereas I didn't like her, but it's getting easier, and I'm feeling lighter without all those constant unheard 'explanations' whizzing round in my head.
My mom's enablers would tell me "She's your mother! She could die tomorrow!" And I would say "I could die tomorrow too! She had my entire life to think about that possibility"
That was always my mom's comment I could die tomorrow, would you happy that you never helped me 😐
Your right! They actually stole your life! Sad you have to go there to defend yourself. (I mean talk about you dying)
Kgomotso Malope I’m become evil. When my mom starts bickering ”what can I do?!? I’m gonna die soon!” (when I tell her how hurt I’ve been in my childhood), I just say ”you can die”. She never apoligizes, or anything, of course! This has been going on for 20 years! She tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to come visit her and my even more narcissistic, violent father. She’s so deeply hurt about not excelling at being a mother, like it was some task or competition - but she does not feel empathy towards me. It’s always the same! I have to tell her how terrible my life with them has been, over and over again! It’s been going on for over 20 years. She is always as surprised like she never heard, accusing me ”if I only knew, she says” And I’ve been telling her thousands of times!!! And she has witnessed it herself! She even laughed at my plight, my fear and anxiety when I was kid, like an evil witch! Yet every time I tell her I don’t want to come visit, it’s like a completely new thing, she acts like everything was news to her!
👏👏👏👏
MsJeesus That’s how I look at it. My mother especially abandoned me my entire life. So I abandoned her at the end of her life. Hey, that’s only about 4 years I left her when she left and abused me for 58. No comparison. She deserved to be kicked to the curb decades ago.
My narcissistic mother just died. Thank you for explaining the relief and peace I feel is normal.
I always say that I’ve grieved not having a maternal, nurturing, loving mother my whole life and when she dies, I’ll feel relief, not grief, as those with loving mothers feel at their passing. I’m sorry for your lifelong pain, but am glad you feel relief and peace now, which you deserve.
I feel the same as you two, my mum 94 y on thursday... I have already grieved. Now I must take care of myself.
I got sick of it. Both my mum and my first husband betong to this group of people. My dad an enabler... and emotionally handicapped.
It's been fourteen years since my malignant narcissitic Dad passed away. I do not miss him.
I felt the same way about my dad. I didn't realize he was a sadistic narc, until the past week. He's been gone for over 20 years. I said, right after he died, that our relationship INSTANTLY improved!!
I hope that is the end of the arduous journey for you. I thought the same until I realized that there had been a smear campaign before the dirt nap.
I'm almost 70, and to this day, I can't stand it when babies cry. I would immediately try to run out of the room or even leave a shopping center. A very nice and empathetic person once told me that it's my own inner child that used to cry like that as a little kid. For me, this is still a reminder of how narcissistic mothers impact us for a lifetime.
I can't thank you enough for your invaluable assistance, Dr. Ramani, I will hold you in my heart forever. ❤
"They put a roof over your head? Even a orphanage would do that" I love Dr Ramani, she is the most badass psychologist on UA-cam! Well said!
I agree 👍%💯
Absolutely 🤗
for real
Agreed! 👏
"Badass psychologist" is right!!
One of the toughest aspects of having a covert narcissistic mother - people with parents that weren't narcissists judging me for not being able to have a relationship with my mom. It is like being revictimized all over again.
It's even worse in our culture. South Asian as well. In Muslim culture, honoring your parents is literally the second command after worshiping God. I have such a hard time coping with this considering that my mother is just like yours. I feel no love when I look at her; only anger and grief. I hope God understands my struggle and forgives me when I stand in front of Him one day.
❤
and people constantly saying "god, your mom is so nice" lol. live with her for a few months and come back to me.
This resonates with me.
@@SRR1213 God knows everything and you must stay away from a toxic relationship, even your mother. Be well, and love thyself unconditionally.🙏
Im listening to this video in 2024 at age 66. Bless you Doctor for these insights. I will continue my journey of healing with your aid.
Me too at 55. I just found out last year.
What advice would you give your teenage/ young adult self?
For me, the best thing to think about my narcissistic father is nothing whatsoever. Each day that goes by where his existence doesn't cross my mind is another good day.
I'm hoping to get to that point!
Every time my narcissistic parent triggers me, I just go back to watching this video and remind myself that I was robbed!
Wishing you all the best! I am in the healing process also. Give yourself tons of love!!! 😁💕💕💕💕 be well my friend ❤💕🙏♥💙💖
@@krystalhaugland we both need to give ourselves the love and compassion that was robbed from us
Thank you for the kind words
@@MathPiHanan exactly!! 💕💕💕💕💕💕
you will break this cycle! I wish u all the best!!!
@@migati Thank you so much for saying that. oh you have no idea how much I needed to hear it! I actually have two kids and I always doubt my parenting and if I’m actually helping them. I never doubted loving them, which motivates me to get better.
Lets promise ourselves that we'll never let our children go through this
Good on you, mate. My mother promised while abusing me, that she’d pay for my future therapy, and then didn’t.
@Ava Rose the fact that she knew you would need therapy is truly heartbreaking
@@Britta_Nong That’s kind of you to say. Thank you for the validation.
@@1cr19 you'll get through this ❤
Agree!!
First of two narcissist parents died today. No contact over six years now. I wondered what this would feel like and now I know--nothing. I feel nothing. I mourned being an orphan with living parents over 50 years and with one body down, I wait for the second to follow. Relief and bracing for the onslaught of flying monkeys who cannot fathom what I have endured. Bring.It.On. Dr. Ramani's videos have saved my life. THANK YOU!!!
Cheers to you and your freedom and endurance and health *its crazy im sipping a blueberry sour from flying monkeys breewrey as I read your comment...wow*
It is okay to feel nothing. ❤❤❤ in someways, if you accept that they will never change, the parent that never was is an illusion. I feel you go through a grieving similar to experience a death.
I practiced talking to myself as a loving mother would. It took time to realise how much self she took from me. When attending a parenting session with a counselor I related incidents of my childhood. I did it without emotion and the counselor asked what I would do if someone did the same thing to my children. I came undone.
I am my only parent.
It bothered me that I didn't feel anything much. Mostly frustration, and anger with myself for letting her bother me for so long.
Feel free not to answer if this is too personal, but did you go to the funeral? It's probably several years away for me, but I don't plan to go when she dies. I know it will make other people angry, but I went no contact about a year and a half ago. I just can't see myself going to the final performance where everyone talks about how great she was when I had a very different experience. I guess I'm just curious what other people have chosen and why. Again, if it's too difficult or you just don't want to talk about it, no worries
Genuinely happy for you, that you can be mentally free moving forward.
I was raised by two neglectful narcissistic parents. Every day, in every endeavour I take, I struggle with shame, self-doubt, anger, and guilt, like you said. It takes twice the amount of energy to complete the same task, and my health deteriorates as a result of the psychological burden. I’m 32 years old now, and thanks to Succession I found you! And got the answer I have been searching for my entire life. THANK YOU!
I hear you… keep going. You’re doing well just to get to adulthood.. we all understand the pain you’re going through.. what horrible people our parents are
Same here. I know how it feels. I am 44 and still struggling
I 100% agree with you and relate to your experience. I too am the product of two narcissistic parents and am now 33 years old. I have only recently cut off all contact with them and am starting to re-gain my sense of self-confidence and agency over my own life.
I too struggle with the same emotions that you described in your comment - shame, anger, self-doubt, and the occasional guilt.
I’m actually currently in the midst of what seems to be a ‘depression’ as a result of all the psychological abuse all those years.
I hope to be able to get out of it soon and start truly living my life.
Whats succession? @@CHL-tm7xx
@@thelmaivers-cg4wpI am the family scapegoat role. I’m afraid if I have kids, eventually they will scapegoat me. I feel like my parents’ lifelong invalidation of me has stolen my chance to experience being a parent myself. I’d rather regret not having a kid, then go through more decades of self-sacrifice only to be discarded by my own children. I’m wondering if I should just accept that my hands of cards in life is not to be a parent. Idk. You were able to successfully raise kids- do you have any words of wisdom to share ?
Anyone else crying ? We were robbed of our childhood.... that hits home. Very true - very painful
Screwed over for life is more like it.
Yes, I am crying, Tania. Your comment is spot-on! Sue
Same here tania
Definitely cried at points. We are allowed to grieve and the best part is in having it validated. They can’t take this emotion away from us now. Because we now know we are not crazy, this is real and all of it really happened and it was awful. It is sad the tears are necessary, but they are healthy. I hope you are well on your way to finding your peace.
Yeah.
I always imagine how being raised in love and affection would have changed my life and choices
All the time, yeah
Same ☹️
When I first saw someone close, having an amazing relationship with their mom, I started noticing the nasty interactions at my "home" weren't the normal... Ever since I wonder what a cool, communicative, supporting, friendly, warm family would feel like...
Definitely! Narc father and BPD mother made it a mofo miracle that I have survived to this point...thank You God! 🙏🏽
I indulge in those day dreams too.
That last bit got me. I started crying when she said that a hero is someone that grew up with a narcissistic parent and have retained their empathy and compassion. Because I know that being loved because you did something your parent can brag about and show off what a great parent they are because their child did something great. I love my kids unconditionally. I don’t expect the same from them. Because that is exactly what my parent kept expecting. That is what they taught me not to do.
This made me cry. I have suffered from their narcissism and overprotectiveness since I was little. Not to mention the constant fights they would have. I was taught voicing my own opinions was a negative thing, because every time I would express my feelings/thoughts, whether it is as insignificant as wanting to do my hair or feeling stressed about an upcoming exam, they would dismiss and invalidate my feelings or rage and gaslight me to believe I am all that is to blame. Therefore, I have grown to be a person who is not really good at communicating, especially expressing myself since I tend to ignore my own feelings. This really affects my mental health because I keep bottling up, and I am extremely unproductive most of the time when I am in the same household.
Other than that, I am 20. I make my own money with no allowance from them. I have just flown alone to another country for a work trip, but they would still flip over me hanging out late when they know I am somewhere just 10 minutes away from home. I know they’re doing this because of “concerning for my safety” but I am able to take care of myself and it makes me so stressed and exhausted from trying to prove to them I am capable of being independent. They don’t realise all these would just push their child further and further away.
Rn my biggest goal is to finish studies and earn enough to move out. Sorry for such a long comment, I just needed to express this somewhere. You’re a legend for reading this, hope you can achieve what you want in life
❤❤🌹..you are amazing!
I really admire you and hope the rest of your life is extremely fulfilling.
I can completely relate to this
Please continue to keep going with your education and work.
Being the child of narcissistic parents is excruciatingly painful, but you are living your life. You are going forward! That is wonderful. I hope you continue to thrive.
Here’s to self efficacy! 🙌🏼
“STOP EXCUSING YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARENTS ON THE BASIS OF THEIR BACK STORY” my GOD. That hit like a divine light on my little brain.
Seriously. Who cares what they went through to become narcissists. They made their choice to be one just as much as we've made our choice not to be. I grew up with two of them. Why did I not become a narcissist? Give me a break.
Absolutely
@@nunyabiznes3901 My mom had a rotation system for Golden Child based on who was complying with her bullshit and projections, obedience and psychological attacks according to her standard in any given moment. I would say that she is primarily a malignant narcissist. She made sure we all know that she would transfer the title of Golden Child in any given moment in exchange for the Scapegoat and vice versa. This is a division tactic that keeps us all divided and conquered, so that we are less likely to band against her, too, which is what we see in the world. But you would think all of us would choose to go the other way since we have all been treated horribly.
For some reason my younger brothers just can't see our parents the way that I see them, as their own classes of narcissist, and because of their denial, they have become narcissistic/enablers themselves...
The back stories. Oh my God, the back stories. "My mother dropped me on my head when I was a child". I swear to God if I ever hear my father say rhat again I'm going to make him relive it.
@@RegisteredNurse926 i don't know how old your brother is, but i had a similar situation with my brother, but let me tell you- he finally saw it. For years i was the only one who saw it and tried to confront me dad but i was always the only one. It was hard. My dad even told me i wasn't allowed over to his house for 2 years (he said i wasn't his daughter anymore). And yet they all spent the holidays together without me. No one said "hey steve, you're being ridiculous. Shelah is coming over since it's christmas. If you don't like it you can leave."
But my brother finally saw it. He has a kid now and he refuses to let our dad be around him. My mom also is finally divorcing him.
I hope your brother comes around. I still have a brother younger than me who doesn't seem to care or think our dad has a problem. "We should love him" is what he says, but what he means is "Let's help him stay this way."
Those Narc parents steal your life, destroy your youth, your ability for relashionships, your sense of self
they want you to have the life they never had too, sometimes
Gabriel Email Snap! And that is equally bad. My father has actively encouraged me to sleep with rich men.
So true! Mine did exactly that.
True 😭
I so agree with you. They are determined to destroy every thing that matters to you. Its heart breaking.
8:53 I used to feel so bad that I couldn’t wait until he finally passed. Every health scare I felt a little relief thinking “finally”. I so needed to hear this 😞
There is nothing wrong with wanting your abuse and torture to end and being relieved when it finally does. Do not ever feel guilty about that. God bless you❤❤❤ May you enjoy a narcissist free life ❤️
I find myself thinking that often. I am an adult and have my own child, have a restraining order against my dad who broke into my home and assaulted me yet I fear him. He managed to be around my home and make himself seen while avoiding being seen. I can’t wait for him to die is a real wish
There is one actor from Bosnia (today hes pretty old) , hes fanmous for his black comedy monodramas. In one piece hes yelling with all his power, "die! Die mamma!" LOL. In that play in several minutes he vividly paints relationship with narcissistic mother, superb (without mentioning narcissism though).
My situation now is that i have 45 years live alone on small town where my narcissistic mother also lives, and i have 6 years older sister with BPD and breast cancer in other city (she also lives alone) and unfortunately bever went to serious psychotherapy. But co concentrate on mother issue. So shes 72, but in pretty pretty good physical health except she had car accident last year and needs obe more broken arm surgery. I spontaneously went no contact some 2-3 weeks after that accident last year. I was hwlping here alnost each thay in that period but she started to be vervally abusive, wouldnt wabt to calm down (and im sometomes also not 100% vervally nonviolent, but far far fron here, but i mean i can be confrontational. I went out of her aartment with her shouting "you (me and my sister :)) ate wprst children and even, whosh i sbew obe even for her," you are shit". My work can be stresaful and al put together i was. Fed up abd left leavo g gwr wibdow alos to calm down and than communicate but in phobe call sanw day she was still aggressive. Several days later i didbt answer one call fron her (it wasjust that onemissed call), recebtly we met in town and exchanged several sentences. Thw problem im having that i probably gaslihht myself, sometimes even doubting how far in narcissistic spectrum my mother is, and so on, im trying to be short. It weighs ob me i like to help people, its really gaslighting. Shes also irrwsponsible toeqrda money, wants ecwryrhing for free etc. Lives in big apartnent without enoigh money ot sustain herself (or shes hiding it god knows) nornla person would (aside from being in good relations with children so that children can gladly help them) sell that big apartment buy smaller one and so stop expecting monwy from everybody all the time, but no... So she plays it that way too. These videos help. I hop ill stop doubitbg myself so much. I feel thorn between urge to help her somehow ar least a little, and inability to, in essence,to stand her... Or refusal to stand her. So im thorn inside that way. With sister is different, long story, but recently i lost also will to stand her bullshit which come periodically, angry outbursts passive aggression, constant walk on needles (if not, outburtst is aoribd corner), i meqn, she needs psychotherapy yesterday, it affects her whole life includobg her relationship with me,but no... She goes to church instead and just drink s tablets for mood regulation.so thats hard too... Point 10 in this video i dont quite understand
Same. He’s actually sick now and I find myself just wanting it to be over with because he’s a miserable person. Always has been.
I know my mom is a narcissist. When my sister was born she became 'the child she deserved' and I was told she couldn't get rid of me because the cops didn't like the things she was thinking of. It got worse over the years. My dad, well I'm 52, and he still talks to me like I'm a stupid peice of sh%t. And he was horribly physically abusive as well. He was a blacksmith, and would beat me as hard as he could. I don't have anything to do with either of them these days. The family _knows_ he was bad. So when I was constantly full of rage at my treatment, being alone, being singled out as the scapegoat, the rest of the family just scratched their heads while mom directed their attention away from herself. People tell me, well that's you're mom! That's your dad! And I tell them, "Yeah, well bad people have kids, too."
Your words at the end. Thank you, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. It made me cry. Thank you.
I am sorry for your pain and all that you endured. And I am incredibly sorry you were alone in that pain as everyone that was supposed to protect chose to turn the other cheek. I think that is the worst part. I can understand this pain and alone feeling, so I want you to know that when you are speaking in the dark in your mind, I hear you. I hold space for you.
Remember, a seed has to break apart in darkness in order to grow. Sending you love...because you deserve it.
“There are no more second chances in childhood..” - this hits deep
Same
Very deep...
Yup
Hit hard
I believe that we reincarnate and have several lives in order to learn many lessons. I'm hoping I have a nice loving mother in my next life.
"narcissist parents will never change"
this is the most important fact to accept
mine's 87 and more unbearable and nasty now than she has ever been
Why is it so hard to accept? I wish I just didn't care..
@@grai oh my, so they will get worse ?
@@carissamarella9614 be grateful if they *stay the same* that's all you can hope for
They get worse as they become elderly because they legitimately need help - which of course they exaggerate anyway - and it ramps up the self obsession
But just as toxic for sure
Just with more age related problems they expect everyone to solve *constantly*
Some real some not
But don't expect them to miraculously turn into a sweet old person because they don't
@@justflufflez7582 sometimes we wish they will change, because deep down we want to feel loved.. and we subconsciously have a belief of "if they are willing to change, it must happen because they want to be better parents for me (thus they must love me)" , while the truth is their ability/willingness to change or not has nothing to do with us.. it has a lot to do with themselves, of letting go of their own inner wounds and bitterness in their own life (that has nothing to do with us)
and what i learned to accept is, it's not our responsibility to heal them and it's not our duty to make them become the parents we wished they could be for us.. and accept that it's not that they don't love me, it's just they are just unable to love me in a "Healthy" way of loving me as a child, and no matter what i do for them, it won't change them into becoming "normal" parents i wanted them to be..
So now, i only do things that i am willing to do out of my own willingness, and not because of feeling guilt or duty.. because the truth is, they put so many expectations and responsibilities upon us.. so learn to not feel responsible for their wellbeing, because that pressure is what cause us to feel suffer from having narcissistic parents.. once i learnt to detach from my guilt (no longer feel responsible for my parents wellbeing, ex: fulfilling their expectations), having a narcissistic parent doesn't feel that burdensome as it used to feel 😊 oh and it's not selfish or narcissistic to unburden ourselves from something that is not supposed to be our responsibility in the first place
The loss of a narcissistic or BPD parent is a big relief. The not-so-big relief is the awareness that comes later that the other parent didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't protect you.
Yes. The other parent who stayed in the abusive relationship that had soured. The other parent who allowed the abuse to go on for years. The other parent who was a better parent overall but still failed you.
My parents are both narcissistic. I am 65 and still trying to be accepted. I am the scapegoat of 7 kids and all siblings, including parents, do not speak to me. I've learned so much from you and am so grateful. Because of you. I've been able to go no contact. A year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and believe it is because of the stress of being abandoned and rejected. My mom still hates me and talks smack about me to everyone. I am grateful for my kids and friends who validate what happened to me😢😢😢
I'm so sorry for everything. My mother (and father) has always hated me, too, so I know how painful it can be. And I've had strabismus for 15 years (since I was 10) and it makes me different (ugly) from normal people. To be honest, I don't know if I will ever heal in this world. Life has always been hard for me, yet I'm trying to go on and remember what God said: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus". Even if it seems like no one cares, God does. I'm planning on getting baptized in the name of Holy Trinity (apparently, if one was baptized as a child, it doesn't count, because it must be an adult decision). It gives me a lot of hope. I hope you can find hope in faith, too. Heaven bless you!
" I've learned so much from you and am so grateful. Because of you. I've been able to go no contact"
Your Mom would probably wail about her cancer. Her breasts are being destroyed by the cancer. I have seen this happen, that a narcissist will focus on the disease of another, claim the attention and pain for themselves. Make themselves the center of attention.
" A year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and believe it is because of the stress of being abandoned and rejected."
Maybe. What is not doubtful was that you've been in the hot seat for decades. You did not deserve to be in the hot seat.
I hope that you focus on treating your cancer, keep those vampires at bay. Narcissists are horrible about tragedies.
I hope you get well soon
❤❤🌹🙏
I felt so grateful to read your comment. Thank you and I wish you freedom and unconditional love
I've heard many a therapist say "your parents did their best". That to me felt like gaslighting. I never believed it.
I think the statement is implicitly true, but for a therapist to bring it up is really just bad therapy. Sometimes people's 'best' is complete failure... Even for a mother/father who drowns their infant in the bathtub you can still say "they did their best"
This is often an excuse used for parents who had tough background or were fairly poor. Very similar the way some people will excuse the behaviour of criminals based on their tough upbringing
Still no excuse imo - if you can’t raise them properly, then don’t have them.
Unfortunately occasionally even a well-meaning therapist can gaslight a client unintentionally.It's a example of how many therapists are still under-educated about this specific form of abuse,understanding the basics of NPD as a disorder is only ½ of it...The other ½ is learning about just how deep the 🐰 hole actually goes in regards to their abusive behaviors & it's effects on OTHER people.When discussing NPD it can't just focus on the actual narcissist because the very nature of their behaviors inevitably effects the people around them significantly.NPD essentially has very abusive behaviors BUILT INTO IT by it's very nature & it is so important for everyone to fully understand that.My own humble opinion would be to immediately seek a new therapist if you find yourself feeling gaslit or invalidated during therapy & not to be shy about asking them if they understand the mechanics of gaslighting,projection,etc among other common narc behaviors.Probably 1 of the most important things about these narcissistic abuse communities is that it helps create a safe space for survivors to feel understood & heard as well as being a place that helps to educate victims about what they've gone through so they can start healing & ultimately know how to recognize these screwballs so they never have to go through long-term narcissistic abuse again.Best wishes for your path to healing & peace.
It's an old saying... not true. My parents did their least, did the minimal, did nothing but the mediocre and abused us in the bargain. Those old rationalisms are maddening...I hate hearing them.
It was finally realising that my parents DID NOT care about me, that freed me.
My husband IS a hero. His dad was a narcissist and tried to sabotage his life at every corner, and physically abused him sometimes horrifically. He went to a 4 year university and studied sociology and now educates kids with disabilities. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and most gentle man I know. A real hero.
So pleased you have a man like this and that you treasure and value him so much. I wish you both a wonderfully fulfilled life together 💙
Wow you for blessed!
Wow. That is beautiful!
This sounds exactly like my mother. Loves to sabotage me. Every time I start to open my heart to her I get a knife in my back.
Respect to him .
So validating to see that dr. Armani is genuinely angry with this topic. I remember that when I was six, I went grocery shopping with my narc mom and helped carrying a cake from the store. When I tried to put it in the back of the car, I accidentally dropped it. A short moment later I was fed up with an absurdly raging mother yelling that I have to get back to the store and get a new cake. She send me without money. I entered the shop crying with the broken cake in my tiny arms. The shop assistant gave me a new one for free. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. It is still the most mind boggling memory to me.
she felt so entitled to a new cake she sent you to manipulate the shop keeper....disgusting really
Dr Ramani, the way you started this out was better than any speech I’ve ever heard in my life. Yes, we were robbed. I loved the way you summarize why that is true. Nailed it!
*”They were willing to throw you under the bus when you were a child.”* 🚌 YES!
And they delighted in doing it.
And then laughed at you.
Massive light bulb comment for me💡
I felt this! And shouted yesssss at my tv
That statement right there is so deeply disturbing, and it is so scary that it was the reality so many of us had to experience as kids. It makes me very very angry.
The first challenge in healing from narc parents is facing the primal loneliness of never having been seen or loved.
FACING. PRIMAL. LONLINESS. ....were basically like partial-humans. always trying to feel...whole
primal loneliness... so so so so true!
The NEXT step....... DON'T EVER let them BACK IN..........And WATCH them CRUMBLE 😂🤣😂👍💪
@@jonathananderinholmes8318 yes it’s true.
@@leila595 I hear you!
I had narcissist parents and sibling...it never leaves you the damage they do. I never had the confidence to fulfil my potential but with my own kids ive shown love and support so they have achieved a nice life. Its all you can do.
Dad was M.I.A., Mom was a lifelong narcissist, until the day she died. You are so right- she did think she’d live forever. I visited her a couple times a year, and each time she would end up saying, “Go Home, don’t come back!” One of her favorite sayings was, “oh go on!” Gaslighting, and invalidating any subject from our past I would bring up. It helps so much to recognize now, what she was. Thank you!
Exactly the same situation as mine! I didn’t realize untill now that my mom is actually narcissistic because she covered it with constantly doing household chores and l always believed l had to feel pity for her. 😢
"As far as I'm concerned, if you can survive that childhood and come out loving and compassionate, you truly are a hero." !!👍❤❤❤
I agree! My friends say the same to me. We are overcomers
This comment brought tears my eyes...thanks Dr. Ramani for saying these words.
This made me cry so much! Dr Ramani, you are a blessing to soo many of us. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Thank you! I'm literally crying : ) I'm an Empath. Imagine how intensive it is to be with a Narcissistic Sociopathic parent. It's a life long recovery for us.
@@elise0691 me too. A tear flowed. Thank you Dr. Ramani!💝
"A narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell" - as always dr Ramani finds the right words for the situation
Most of the time she just intended on torturing me. I grew up with mom, dad brother on earth assist and then me. But there are many times when she just straight up wanted me dead and
@@meganhofbauer9847 yes yes even I hear my parents often saying that they wish that i was dead
In the past, I may have partially excused my father's narcissism on the basis of his backstory but it was also a really useful way for me to have compassion for him. Nowadays I don't excuse his narcissism at all but if I can find a way to have empathy for him then that is really liberating for me because I can at least acknowledge the empathy inside me and the fact that I have somehow managed to become a much more compassionate person than he ever will be.
God bless you ❤️
I agree with you 💯 percent. To not have compassion and let it go from that angle means to keep yourself imprisoned and poisoned with resentment. Let God and let go.
I’ve been no contact for a few years and feel guilty about it all the time. I need to listen to this message every day 😊
I get it. I finally went no contact.
I love the "stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story" my siblings and I did that for a long time until recently I've realized wait I have a back story, they are my back story and it was terrible and I don't behave like them. And my story matters too.
This comment helped me so much. Thanks
This is so beautifully said and apt to my life. Thank you so much for writing this comment ❤
👏🏻
I love this. I’m 58 and JUST NOW realize I’ve been doing it!! No more!
Me too. No matter their past, we all have a decision to change. I didnt treat or raise my children like i was raised, by choice. But my parents kept the cycle going. Also i excused her (my mom) present behavior and amnesia to old age. Yet she can remember what she wants to. Sometimes we excuse people with older age to get a pass. Unfortunately but kind of fortunately my father was murdered 12 years ago. He was a narc too but karma came for him.
"Orphanages would do the same thing" 100% I can't stand it when parents think they are doing their children a favour by feeding and housing them. Thats child abuse!!! the children didn't ask to be born!!! Children don't owe these people anything!!
That's the one thing I never understood about my parents (particularly my mother). Such a martyr. Seriously - the things that would (to any normal person) be considered the very normal and ordinary expectations of parenthood were held up to be some sort of enormous sacrifice. People like that are just far too emotionally inadequate to be parents. :-(
@@louisewainwright8785 I thnk it began with being too emotionally immature to get married, but they were forced back then by age 22-25 max. We kids were doomed.
My mother would tell me things like " the world doesn't revolve around you" and " life is a two way street" if I complained that she forgot to pick me up from school again. I was 7. I had to walk back 2km alone. I often got the impression that she actually wanted something to happen to me. She would've loved milking all the sympathy and attention she could out of it.
Louise Wainwright agreed!!
And sometimes don't even feed them, the middle school near my house has to give out free lunches all summer and even during a normal school year, all the kids get free lunches.
She's absolutely right, when my narcissist mom died, all I felt was relief. I was finally free of the fear that she'd find a way to mess up my life again. The hardest part was all the enablers at her church telling me what a wonderful person she was and that I was a rebellious and disobedient child for not giving her a funeral. Sorry, there was no way I was going to spend one thin dime more than necessary to dispose of her body.
My mum was a covert as well. She adopted two black kids (one being me) was a nurse and had a speech impediment so they assume she’s this amazing person. She was awful and said thibgs I’d never say to my worst enemy. Mine isn’t dead yet but I already told her take me
Out of your will I don’t care when you die. I don’t even want to know
@@junopierre2988 Unfortunately, I was the only relative left to handle the arrangements. She had driven my younger brother to suicide ten years ago, and my dad died within days of retiring. Even, though I was the sole inheritor, I got nothing, she had blown every penny of my father's insurance on garbage (she was also a hoarder) so I had the joy of digging through the mountain of trash that was her house to get the paperwork I needed to settle her affairs.
You can donate the body to science or organ donation. Something to remember in future. She will finally be useful in some capacity.
@@mjremy2605 She died of multi-system organ failure following vaccination. The people I called to donate refused her body.
@@priestessofkek2406 OK, I get it. However, medical students have a need for bodies, for plastic surgery practice, internal dissection. I will be either donating my organs or if not possible, take my body and cut it up and use it. No use to anyone 6 ft under or creating carbon pollution.
A relegious narcisstic parent,s is soul crushing, of any belief.
It was only months after my mothers funeral, that I realised that my hysterical sobbing at said funeral was actually relief that she was gone.
I hate that I look forward to this day for both my parents.
@@samme1024 That thought kept me going for the longest time and when it does happen, you don't realise that you're free straight away. But believe me, it does get better eventually, I just had to keep reminding myself that it was over.
@@joannedarley1893 thank you. 😢
Joanne, I can't believe I just read these words. The same thing happened to me, only I had not put it together as you have. OMG. So that WAS it! I am sure it was. Thanks for that amazing insight.🙏👍🥂
@@imadielariel3109 You are so very welcome, mine was a strange sort of guilty relief at first, then disbelief, I just couldn't come to terms with finally being free after so many decades of sheer misery. Good luck and a good life for you my friend, it does eventually get so much better.
“Stop gaslighting yourself” I started crying. I didn’t realize by saying to myself well maybe I’m being too hard on them was denying my experience.
🥰✨
Hugs to you.
💖 K A R L I E 💖
Me too!
I gaslight myself everyday for what I think and feel. "I should think that or feel that way instead of what I think and feel right now" And this "should" is clearly my narcissistic mother
My narcissistic mother died in 2020 and her golden son in 2021. Even my financial inheritance was stolen also but really that was my life and blood on that money. They have no part in my future. They are not my happiness. So good to hear your validations Dr. Ramani 💜
OMG, this describes my life. My childhood felt like a prison sentence. I received very little validation from anyone inside or outside my family. I still worry that I could be shamed, if I speak my truth. You are a hero!! Thanks for being brave enough to speak out about narcissist parents. I'm sure the narcissist backlash travels everywhere. This video is much appreciated 😍.
Yes, it did feel like a prison sentence, exactly.
I can’t tell you the amount of times my dad straight up told me something did not happen that I vividly remembered as a child
I feel you. This has happened so many times to me and in my adult life it still happens. Not only does my narcissistic father treat me and my brother this way he also extends it to my mother.
I heard a quote by someone talking about gaslighting and saying; I remember this event because it was a life changing moment that affected me forever, for you it was a Tuesday.
Of course he or she won’t remember but you do.
Yes! Major trauma my parents flat out deny. It's infuriating
Me too... or it was your fault it did happen! Or you're ungrateful too sensitive and on and on!! 🙋
Me too. My dad makes up stories of neglect and abuse so shocking to all our extended family, and I have had to defend myself in court several times. Shame was heaped on me as a bad daughter caused me to have a heart attack and cost all my savings. My sister also a narc took all my my late mother's belongs for herself including jewelry and my childhood photos. My dad got police to throw me out without notice.
Gave all my belongings to my sister to be spiteful. Run away.
The narcissist parent makes things horribly confusing because some days they feel like presenting themselves as benevolent and are actually nice. It’s a trap.
But even when they are benevolent, it is for their own benefit, not yours
Wow we are all here for the same reason and yes I have been struggling if my separation from my 80 year old mother was best but know I can say sometimes the guilt plays with me but I'm strong through therapy for the past 9 years I'm healing and iv made it out and healing and taking care of myself mentally and physically iv got my feet on ground with no looking backwards and no more long explanations of why she can't come over or why I can't come spend time with her I love her but I love me more ..thank you for speaking Dr .And everyone in comments keep healing
you always need to think about the psycholigical basis: survival. narcissism is not a joke, its a survival strategy. there is suffering and pain unimaginable behind it that fuels all types of short-, mid- and long term strategies to keep objects close that regulate their self-worth. lying, cheating etc. p.p. its not a joke, not a past time, its SURVIVAL.
imagine true hunger for food... dispair for food. this is what it feels like and why its so tough to deal with. *cough*
A trap. Yes it’s a trap. A trap!!!! I had cognitive dissonance. I believed that parent was the good one who recognized me as their child,, but at the same time always felt like Charlie Brown and the football. Believed the lies every time.
It doesn't stop in childhood. It's awful and everyone misses the abuse,it's an invisibility. Horrible. I think I was given to the wrong family since I'm the opposite.
I met a man who was my father's friend, on my 40th birthday, when I explained I was my father's daughter. He was shocked he had known my father for thirty years and my father had never told him he had a daughter. That was the moment that changed my life. I no longer have anything to do with my father.
I can relate. And it hurts doesn’t it?
I had an employee of my father come to my home say to me: “I never knew your Dad had a daughter.” I was stunned but not surprised. My father is a misogynist and my golden child brother works for him. My Dad is one of 4 brothers. It was always about “the boys”.
I was adopted by two narcissistic alcoholic parents at the age of 5. I was their maid, their servant, but far worse than the forever long work was the intense mind-games & bullying, even the slaps to the face were easy compared to the gaslighting, name-calling & religion used as a weapon against me. Sadly, I have many autoimmune disease I attribute to being raised this way. Having had a stroke in 2021 I have now fell into a pit of rumination as mentioned in this video. I can’t help but wish I could have had a different circumstance, so I could have been a healthier productive adult. It’s like I’m trying to complete a story in my mind, a reason why, to make sense of it to be able to accept it. Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani, you’ll never know how much this video helps us who have suffered this way. It means so much to hear someone understand & care.
When you wrote "It's like I'm trying to complete a story in my mind" --- so relatable. I think it's hard for us to understand or comprehend because it's so outrageous and something we ourselves would never do. How can the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you treat you worse than strangers? My mum rented out a house to 8 people, I was one of the 8.. all the others were strangers and had beds, wardrobes etc. I slept on the hard floor. I felt like a worthless dog. The wardrobe i bought with my own money was given to someone else. The reality, as Dr Ramani alluded to in this video, is that in the sick cowardly mind of a narcissist they KNOW they can get away with treating a child or someone dependent on them like that, with no repercussions. They can get away with it. But doing it to others, no way. They abuse the defenseless voiceless easy targets. Because they are cowards. And they don't know the definition of love. They only care about themselves. And having someone to abuse gives them a sense of power. That's the disease of narcissism. I hope you find a way to end the rumination, I'm on the same journey as you. Hope we get there. 🙏
When I started no contact with my family 6 years ago, I felt overwhelming sadness, guilt and shame for leaving. A good friend corrected me, saying they left me way before I left them!
Yesss❤️🙏🏽 I'm going to remember that.
so so sooo true!!!
Yessss
I'm going to remember that as well
🙏🏾
Someone who comes out of a narcissistic abuse background with kindness, compassion and empathy intact is indeed a hero/heroine. Thanks Dr Ramani 🤗
I am that person. I came out a loving person who helps others and loves the earth and saves animals. I am nice to everyone I meet. Even my adult son learned from my parents he could really abuse me and he does. And it hurts to be in my own really but you know what? I will always be a nice person. I think you are a wonderful person for posting that. It means you are a nice person. You made my day and week and life really. I feel like a victor now having read your comment. Thank you
If you can turn shit into flowers (which you have) you are a heroine - and that's a fact. Susan @@janeseamore1370
And also become a codependent. It has been a struggle all my life balancing being a kind, compassionate person without being a doormat. Let's say I am covered with shoe prints.
My family constantly reminds me of how soft and simple I am. They say Im too nice with no backbone. I know how horrible my mother makes me feel and I refuse to treat anyone without respect and compassion except my mother.
Self Love + Self Respect + Self Responsibility....= UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!...Therefore love/empathy/compassion....is the simplicity ....To expand to life!.....these traits are being abused!...
Can’t cry anymore after all of the emotional abuse. I’m so tired.
I really needed this, I have two narcissistic parents but I’m okay I just realized the best way to deal with them is to love them from a distance
Having a narcissistic parent is literally the most loneliest feeling in the world. Instead of you coming first it’s switched around. Many times in my life I needed my mother there for me and she wasn’t. I’ve learned to survive on my own while carrying the emotional baggage. I hope one day I can heal fully from the trauma and pain.
Truth!
It sucks. It truly does. But I think you can do this!
If you ever need someone to listen… I’m here.
You're not alone...
I feel really similar. It’s a tough process parenting yourself and healing with this trauma, as I feel it’s such a grey area kind of abuse. I’ve only found solace online about my feelings of being narcissistically abused, it’s not really a popular topic of discussion in greater culture. There’s a lot of people who are victimized in this way, and adopt these harmful traits too.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Every momumental moment in my life, positive or negative, I was alone. Very minimal support from the one loving parent.
This woman is so generous and humble with her intelligence, doesn't hurt that she beautiful also
Beautiful inside and out,,
I agree. We are very blessed to get her wisdom for free. It is extremely invaluable to me!
Very easy on the eyes.
Angel on Earth
I’m not going to idealize her :) I’m mostly thankful for what she does!
I sure do wish I had heard this 50 yrs ago! I was the “scape goat” and the “whipping girl” for everything!! When you have a “whack-a-doodle for a mom, it can lead to a really messy life!! It lead me to accept abuse from others! As I’ve grown older,though, I have learned to put up stiff boundaries and have cut off most of my family! And keeping those far away, that tolerated the abuse they saw poured on me, is my self protection! I am perfectly at peace with this decision! That being said, even after a HORRIBLE childhood, young adulthood, and many years with no contact with my mother, I am the one who stepped up and took care of her the last 2 years of her life! I did that because I felt that was what God wanted me to do, and I’m so glad I did it! It was hard after the hell I lived through, But I am not the weak child I once was, but strong, capable, and I have no regrets! I am the last person my mother ever spoke to and the last words she ever said was, “I Love You!” - To me!!….. I know not everyone gets this , but I know it was a gift, to me, from God! I know my mother was abused, in many ways, like I was! The hell she put me through was what was done to her, which lead to further abuse for her from others. Her past spilled over on me! No excuses, just facts….. I am a much healthier person now and have a wonderful life!! Thank you for this wonderful video! I needed it! 😊
I cried more in this 20 min video than this entire year… it hurts so much knowing tht things will never change, since sometimes my dad was capable of love and affection but just one wrong word can spiral in screaming and yelling for hours. It’s like my heart was cut open all my life for the pain I had to endure
Anyone who is Empath here has a Narcissistic parent or Sociopathic parent? It seems like those horrible evil parents have compassionate children.
@@jeanag3279 Agreed. I am an empath, only child and have 2 Narc parents. It sucks, but I became a LCSW and now I pity them.
I have two! Wish me luck!
I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic step dad and my sister and daughter and I are total empathy and we can't seem to stop kissing their butts and trying to please them no matter what they do and they can't stand our kindness and thoughtfulness towards them or especially towards anyone else , they think it is a foolish trait to be thoughtful . Give them a gift and something is always wrong with it or as mom puts it " I wish people would not give me all this crap that just clutters up my house and now I have to find somewhere to put it "
because you have to be a mind reader, know body language, judge situations, and predict others behavior to survive.
@@jeanag3279 I'm a product a narc parent , i stay the hell away !! She don't no where i live , nothing . I gave up years ago
WOW, the last phrase hit me hard. "having to survive that and still keep your empathy and compassion makes you a hero". That is the deepest validation my inner child can get. Thank you.
Same here, Roxana. I pray that we both find the strength to be good and compassionate people despite our very rough childhood. 🙏🏻
And now I'm crying
@@themoldavitecorner So🥰 be it
@Don’t care Yes yes and yes
And then there's when your only sibling grows up to be a carbon copy of your narcissistic parent. 😢
My mother and siblings are narcissists. I finally reached the point of cutting off all contact with them. Life has been so much more peaceful. Life with a narcissist is so hard.
Mine, his birthday is today, on the doorstep of 80, no contact for 5+ years, minimal contact since 2012. While I still feel the occasional pang, that is really for what I needed and wanted, not what I had. With time I have only become more convinced I made the right decision as I have made monumental internal and external progress since. Even when I saw him at 40 years old he was just so full of rage, hate, negativity, derision.
THIS is why we should always question authority. "Honor thy father and thy mother" has caused so much needless damage and suffering for so many.
There is more to that verse, that always seems to be left out... “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
I remember sitting in church as a young person and wondering what about "protect and love your children"? That's not in any religious teaching. I left the church 40 years ago and am an atheist. I'm so much happier.
God! So true! Now, in retrospect, I see why my father always emphasized that to me” ALWAYS question authority. You have only ONE authority. You know what’s right for YOU, and that’s between YOU and God”. He was the healthy parent., and I miss him soooo much now, as an adult!
I think we honor what is honorable. There may yet be something in them you can honor, but if not, trust that the truth can set you free. (See, picking out one verse to beat someone up with while ignoring the rest is not how you do it.) Peace & healing to you!
EXACTLY!!!
“Treat yourself like you would treat a child”. Duly noted.
But, like, a child you care about 😆
Sarah Meyers exactly. I was wondering how to word that😅
"You were robbed." Yes. Plain and simple. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤ It's the sad truth, and I still grieve the childhood I had (as well as the one I didn't have), but hearing you say this feels incredibly validating.
Every single morning I wake up with those insults ringing in my ears for decades DECADES. Even after I had left home I could still hear them. It was only after she died did I stop hearing her voice in my head.
Gaslighting was the first language taught to me and walking on eggshells was where I took my first steps. 58 years in I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Never too late to learn. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Well done! I’m so proud of you.
So proud of you🥺 I wish you good luck!
40 years of walking on egg shells and yes gaslit from day one. I went no contact 8 months ago and loving it.
Good for you, I am 40 and I moved out of state but it’s not far enough. I need to go to no contact too.
I'm also 58 and went no contact 2 years ago. I never had a mother, I had a monster.
"An orphanage would do that much". Sorry Dr Ramani, I'm going to be using this line now! ❤️
This! 7:50
Or a babysitter
Even prisons provide shelter and clothing to the inmates. I love it when people try and say that because a parent did that it automatically makes them good.
My mom used to say "I could have given you up for adoption." I told her once "I wish you would have". They really think they went all out providing basics (if that).
@@rachelb4235 I swear if I or my younger two siblings ever said that to my birth parents when we were kids, you bet your ass we would have been a) sent to our rooms, and b) grounded for [instert amount of time here], because that's back talk. At the very least we would have been yelled at. I would not doubt for a second the possibility that my sister may have said similar things, but I wouldn't know due to not being present for a lot of those arguments.
All the years of consulting with psychologists was a waste of time. All I needed was to hear this video.
I went through this going no contact with my narcissistic father. My family members were vicious but I stuck to it and feel so free!!! Life can be so good.
I think the most frustrating thing is when the whole family lines up behind the narcissist(s) and then tells the scapegoat it's because they don't want to take sides or get caught in the middle, but they are picking a side by doing that. Then they gaslight the scapegoat by refusing to hear anything they have to say, but they certainly sat there and heard the narcissist's side of the story.
I'm sorry that must be so hard and lonely.
This what narcissists do, they seek to control how others see their scapegoat.
THIS
This has happened to me, too.
I’m seriously going through this right now !!! I made a video on my channel. I feel like my mother and her daughter turned the whole family against me . But it’s fine I’m gonna continue to block people and worry about the family god blessed me with
Dr ramani, when my father died I felt this immense peace, huge. I felt no grieve. I forced my self to grieve and cry but it was the peace that made me stronger. I still feel that peace. He can't hurt me no more. And I'm happy.
thank you for sharing this; it’s encouraging & relieving for me to hear that
I can imagine that! My father almost killed me when I was 7 years. How can I miss him?! Don’t feel guilty about not missing him or not wanting to have any contact! Yet my mother has now played everything so that I have to go by him medicine in the pharmacy! He never did anything for me as a child! Only destroyed my life!
❤
I’m sorry Sawyer .......hope you can find a elder male mentor who means a lot to you & you to him 🧡
MsJeesus Seriously, if your parents abused you that badly you should get rid of them. I mean, just leave. It won’t get better. Only worse.
I’m almost 40 and learning about this is the first thing that finally makes sense for the anxiety, depression, and inability to have healthy relationships that I’ve been struggling with most of my life. I moved away from home years ago but still struggle badly. I’ve been thinking recently about going back and confronting my parent once and for all for how deeply they hurt me but now I’m not sure it would make it better. I also relate to a lot of the traits listed in a narcissist and believe I was groomed. Now that I know, the part about reparenting myself really resonates with me. I’m grateful for you and this channel on this new path of healing.
I think we all have this fantasy of confronting the narcissist parent. I recently did that and got beaten by my father. He is 70 and was sick but still found it ok to hit me with his crutches. Don’t go there, it turns into insanity. Relive the confrontation fantasy only in your mind.
Forget the deathbed confession. Ignore their calls for you and send them off with the final narcissistic injury.
I have stopped talking to my mother. I decided that I do not allow toxic people in my life and that includes my mother.
Good choice! Done the same...We deserve happiness and peace.
I stopped talking to my dad.
I went "no contact" when I turned 40. It was having my own children that started my healing and realizing my mom was toxic because I could never do to my babies what my mother did to me and my brother.
ive had 20 years so far strong of estrangement from toxic-junkie-abusive mom (deadbeat junkie dad walked out in my 3rd grade year). I hear you, friend. real talk. it can be done. we make these choices very, very carefully and seriously. i see you in this, and i respect your choice(s) to walk away.
That’s the best way to handle it
I am crying like a child. I have been waiting 53 years for this and thought nobody will ever understand.
Same I'm 30 🤣😭
I understand…am 45 now
I’m so sorry. ♥️
❤️
Me too,
Thanks Dr Ramani, you’re amazing.
"Don't be so sensitive" and "That never happened". Heard it all the time. "That never happened" was the worse thing I've ever been told. Especially, when one of those times was regarding the essay I had to write on "why they should keep me, and not make me a ward of the court". I was 17, and am an adoptee with a "naturally" born brother (13 mos. after I was adopted). I was never that bad of a child. Never.
To survive this kind of abuse you have to been supernaturally strong, but it is possible. Love to all the people dealing with issue. I am healing and thank you Dr. Ramani for your videos. They are enlightening and inspiring❤
“Having a narcissistic parent is a special kind of Hell.” 😔
I could not say it better Vulnerable Living !!!
It is the most hellish kind of Hell🔥
An inescapable hell when you’re a child at that. 😞
My father used to say to me when he was alive: " if anything happens to me and you're still in the house, get out immeadiately...Your mother is going to turn your life into hell... He was absolutely right! Since he passed away in december 2008, that's all that she's done with gaslighting and selfishness...
@@marjoriemascheroni8034 Absolutely True Marjorie
“They were able to keep it together for their job, but not their child...”
TBD very good point, was trying to get my head around it, but yes when necessary they can switch on the charm but be cruel to a child, they know what they’re doing. They know not to treat colleagues or friends like that. That’s my reasoning that they are bad in their very core. My father very successful in business. A total shmuck in the home.
Nailed it.
Dr.Ramani nailed it with this line.
my mom had it so heavy she couldn't even keep it together for a job, she relied on my dad's income and kept him in her control and spent all the money
My mom in a nutshell
My "re-parenting" as a dad was successfully achieved through years of participating in 1:1 therapy with a qualified counselor. (I still go!) I am happily married and have two wonderful children (girl 13, son 9) who I am glad to say have benefitted from me un-learning the behaviors I learned from my narcissistic mom. Now that I have cut her off from communication, I have begun to build relationships with my wonderful extended family, whom I am just now getting to know. My aunt and uncle support me with the unconditional love I've always longed for from a parental figure.
Being raised by 2 narc parents has been the absolute hardest battle I’ve ever had to deal with. I still fear Sundays. I remember people going to church so happy, and I was at home screaming and begging that God have it stop.
“Why arent you upset about your mom passing away?? She was a great lady!!”
No, she just wore her mask well….
My mum has recently passed away. Reading people's comments about her in sympathy cards is like reading about another person.
I remember people reminiscing about my mother at her funeral, how much fun she was, what a great lady, generous, blah, blah, blah! I had NO idea who they were talking about! They were using my mother's name, they were at her funeral, but I knew a whole side of evil that no one but very few of us knew about.
@@patchlange I can relate to you. Would love to talk to you. My mother was very much the same.
Unless you are their child.
Mask= nobody sees the REAL them except you 🙄 almost unbelievable to others! But when they know you know it's very hard for them to NOT show themselves.
The best thing I ever did to myself is, I became the Dad I wish I had. I started telling myself what that perfect Dad would say to me. And I did it.
And thats what breaks the cycle
Beautiful
Never let your guard down because as long as the N Parent is alive, there is a chance you will be sucked back in.
thank you so much for that
I honestly am afraid to have kids because I have seen myself already mirroring my N mom and I really don't even wanna have kids until I no longer have ANY of her in me and until I grow a whole new me 😭😭😭🥵 what you did for yourself and for your child is my goal and an inspiration
#6 I've been waiting for my parents to die since i was like 12. Im 33 and still praying 💔
It was when I saw mother thriving by age 80, and yet I was mentally and physically at deaths door...I allowed myself to look and finally see. Then everything hit me all at once.
In my twenties, after a devastating depression, I read a lot, left the church, did therapy, and slowly tried to overcome. I was determined not to pass on the generational BS and toxicity to my future children. It was a tough road, and I'm still healing at the age of 59, but my two grown children are wonderful caring people, and the best accomplishment of my life.
God bless you
I hope to be in your shoes one day. I am 28 and I hope I’m given the privilege of having children. The child in me wants to nurture them and give them what I never got. I’m not sure why, but that’s the biggest thing I yearn for.
SRR1213 good for you. It’s a wonderful goal and very rewarding. All my best. ❤️
I completely understand. I am 48 and have some amazing children, because I chose to distance.
Good for you 👍🌷🌈
This is so relevant, I can’t even explain how frustrating when people say “ they are your parent, you need them”. Please, my narcissistic was a sperm donor.
Most people who say things like that are just enablers ( in best case scenario ) you should absolutely not care about their stupid opinion.
Every now and then there IS someone who is just a little dumb or naive and genuinely doesnt understand.
If you feel the need, for whatever reason, to make them see/ understand your point more this helps:
Ask them if they are for or against child abuse. Dumbest question in the world right? Every one in his right mind is against child abuse. So their answer will be: I am against child abuse. Then you can say: " I was that abused child once "
It can help a lot.
Greetings from the Netherlands 🇳🇱
Mine were egg and sperm donor too btw :)
Exactly! ☺️
My parents actually adopted me, so they really wanted someone to destroy, I guess.
@@tiptapkey ugh... sicko's ..
Your cat is great btw
I can't stop crying. Dr Ramani, sincerely, thank you for making my emotions feel validated. 21 years of a narcissistic father and I'm contemplating cutting him off. Idk what's holding me back and I'm definitely oversharing online lmao. But thank you.
Tbh in my case it's just my mom. Should I be worried abt her? She's my main enabler tho
@@edayavuz1667 I think it really depends on your relationship dynamic. My father was always one to put people down to make himself feel bigger and better. That, in the end, was too much for me after so long so I ended up cutting him off. If its taking a toll on you/ your mental health, then I would consider some of Dr Ramani's advice. I hope you're well :)
I just said She really did that. This helped me to absorb the reality as I began to move on. Freedom from her cloud is great.
My entire life has been peoplebtelling me ' I can't believe you can talk about your dad that way""
Enough said
It's strange how some people will demonize the victim while victimizing the demon at the same time.
Oh yeah, we get the shame from all angles.
I'm so sorry ❤️
@@MCLV1155 i don't have to imagine 😔
My dad loved calling me degrading names like "idiot" and "dummy," among all the other shaming and snapping at me. When I talked about it to adult friends later, one of them was like "Do you think he was joking?" Why otherwise good hearted normal people gaslight like that -- I have read that childhood trauma changes your worldview making you feel that people are unsafe. But to be honest, I am seeing a clear picture that childhood trauma actually *does* make people unsafe. When people minimize my pain or make me feel stupid for things that actually happened that actually wounded me, they are carrying the torch of my abuser! And they are exasperated at my disabilities from my wounds. Most people really do become dangerous. *shrug*
My childhood became isolated and very lonely around 7 years old when my brother was born and it has never stopped. A teacher reached out to my mom to have a conference to discuss my deep depression at 13yrs old. "My daughter isn't crazy and is not going to a psychologist". When I was 15 I met a group of friends and their families who became a big part of my life. My mom gets together socially with her family (cousins and their children) and I have never ever been invited- I am in my 50's. My wonderful mother in law was a surrogate mother to me for 20 years until her death. She helped me become a good mother by watching her relationships with others. On her deathbed I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I cry writing this, please tell the people who matter to you they do and work on those relationships.
Oof, I know what you mean by not being invited to family events. That hasn't happened to me, but my parents have actively discouraged me from forming any relationship with my relatives -- even relatives that they themselves get along with. They'll tell me they're going to the funeral of my cousin X, and that will be the first time I've ever heard of cousin X. The only explanation I can think of is that they believe it's "their" family, not mine...even though I'm their biological child.
I will I promise. Much love.
I am so sorry to hear about the things that happened to you in your life as a child. I’m happy for you that you had a great mother in law. I did too . I’m sure she loved you very much.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 Thanks for sharing, so sorry your loved one passed too soon. Valuable to know what a significant difference we can make, both for good and for bad, in what might seem an insignificant time.
you were very lucky
My father always told us he's just preparing us for the world and the working world. He said that is what it's like, people screaming at you etc. It turned out he wasn't entirely wrong, I've met so many narcissists on my journey through life.
I have been told by several people we must remember that he had a tough childhood.
Your comment on relief after a narcissistic parent passes is dead on.
My father passed away November 2021. The last time that saw him was in the hospital after he had multiple mini-strokes and was out of it. This was February 2018.
The time before that, he made a hurtful comment in an attempt to provoke a response from me and then smiled. I looked, turned, and walked away. This was November 2017. If you noticed the timeframe, he passed away four years after his hurtful comment.
He stood looking at me as I got into my car, and I think that somewhere within him, he knew that would be the last blow that I was going to take from him; not because of his impending sickness and death, but because that was the finally straw. I would no longer be one of his emotional punching bags, as the others continued to be.
With all that said, my relief is simply knowing that I will never again in this life have to be subjected to a man who failed at life and whose great pleasure would have been my failure as well as a result of his invalidating, neglect, emotional abuse, and abandonment.