Great video Xina, as a working mum it broke my heart watching those mothers, it's a feeling many of us know too well, even if we didn't pursue full blown careers. Great observation with female mammals. Pregnancy and labour along with breastfeeding cause the release of bonding hormones like oxytocin. Because of these biological processes mammalian mothers are able to build very strong attachments to their babies. The mother building an attachment has always historically been essential for the survival of the child as she is the one who has the milk etc. Although now women don't have to do things like breastfeeding anymore it doesn't change how we've evolved to be. Pandas are an example of how bad it is when a mammalian mother doesn't bond with her baby, when female Pandas give birth to twins they normally only feed and nurture one, so the other one dies. So of course if our body's hardwire us to build strong bonds with our babies is it any wonder we find it hard to break these bonds, even if it's temporary by leaving them?? As a mum of 2 children I honestly find the idea that the reason I felt overwhelming sadness when I had to drop off my children at nursery is because "other people/ society told me I'm supposed to feel bad" so stupid🙄 Those people are clearly not mothers, there's nothing about it that isn't instinctual. There are so many things you do when you become a mother that you don't even understand but it's as if your instincts kick in and your body just knows what to do. When a mum co-sleeps with her baby she naturally forms a C shape around her child so that she doesn't squish them. It's dangerous to co-sleep with a baby if the father is also in the bed because men don't have this instinct. What part of society told us to do that? It's absolutely biological!
And that's precisely why it's more important for the mother to be the primary care taker rather than the father. The father should obviously be involved with his kids as much as he can be, but there is an undeniably special connection between a mother and a child. Simply having the dad around isn't enough to fill the void in the child's heart if the mother is absent.
My mom went to college to become a nurse and worked for 2 years. She then had me at 24 and remained a SAHM until I was 13, and my brothers were 11 and 10. Then she resumed working as a nurse. My parents told me they planned this carefully. My parents were both older children of many siblings, and they hated being parentified at a young age. So they endured having babies so close together so we wouldn’t go through that, and so my mom could resume working in a relatively short time without worrying about young children. And she already had the education to launch into her career when she was ready again. Family planning is essential, and I want to do the same!
I'm the oldest of a large family too, and while being parentified at a young age was incredibly challenging, I could not be more grateful for it. It allows me to realistically plan my family's future in a way many other young women cannot have an idea how to do so. Good job on your parents!
@@estherhinds6314 that’s good! Everyone has very different experiences in life, and my parent’s experiences made them want to have our family in a particular way. The downside is that we weren’t good with children, but when I was 16 they started to let me babysit cousins and neighbors, same for my brothers. It’s not the same but I think everyone should be around kids if they’re planning to have them lol
@@bluon259 yes! I totally agree. Parenting styles differ, and they should. And it's good your parents exposed you to childcare through a different medium so you will be better prepared to figure out yours in the future
Probably because most think of what could have been if they decided differently, so envy or regret because the gras is always greener on the other side
After my dad retired from his job he started wanting to babysit his grandkids. When I ask him why he told me his biggest regret was not being with me and sisters more.
Many men have this feeling..but they know, they must provide for their family. The media and feminism has made millions of women believe, men working all the time =meant they didn't want to be in their children's life. Which is a massive lie. Many older men I worked with struggled with being away a lot to provide for their family. In the 1990s they use make movies about businessmen choosing career over family, and at the end of the movie they would pick their family. But in the modern 2020s women are picking their career over family long before said family is even created. They are doing this by running the shot clock out with their boss girl mindset, many unaware of their biological clock.
@@houseofhas9355 What’s even worse is the lies women are told about motherhood to scare them away. I was born in this generation of being sold this horror story that your stomach will explode a la the Alien movies like a parasite. That the pain would be incalculable, that no one would help me, that I would bloat like a balloon, that I would bleed out in the process. Mostly sold these lies by pro-choice women who wanted to justify abortion for women. But they rarely tell you how much technology and medicine has made the birth process nigh painless if you’re paying any attention. Like I got an Epidural and my daughters birth felt more like a big poop than his excruciating pain women complain about. And you can always plan for an epidural and induction for your pregnancy. On top of the fact that I was put on Medicare coming in uninsured and don’t have to pay a dime for any of the services used. It’s not this Uber scary, painful, expensive, unmanageable situation feminism has painted it out to be. The first few months are pretty draining but unless you absolutely have no friends or family to support you during maternity leave, it’s a very natural and manageable situation that just takes a little support. Hell, there are even women who give birth and go back to work the same day. Because it’s not this horror story young girls are told. Same thing for fatherhood, young boys, especially in poor communities get told that being a father will severely limit their success and that being a dad will only slow them down and prevent them from getting their dreams. So when young men get women pregnant, they bounce as fast as possible to avoid being anchored by a woman and baby. Because we are telling young people that they can’t be parents and successful. That if you get pregnant at 16,15,18…It’s the end of the world. Instead of encouraging these young people to do their best no matter what, it’s get rid of the problem and live the better modern life of being a hyper successful business person.
My dad did something similar - when I was a child he worked long hours. He finally retired when my brother and sister in law went back to work/uni so he could be the main carer for my niece.
I had a high earning breadwinner mom and a stay-at-home dad who even homeschooled me. I loved it. A consistent parent is important like you said, it can be the dad or the mom.
I don't feel empowered by not having kids, I literally just chose not to do it because it's not something I want. Nothing more, nothing less. People who say they do it to feel "empowered" are weird. Having kids should be a something you do or don't do because it's something that's right for you, not a F U to the world. Edit to add that my husband also doesn't want kids and we made sure we both were on the same page before we got married.
@@Locke350 most likely. I hate that the anti -natalist and the childfree people get lumped together cause they aren't the same. Childfree means "I don't want kids" vs Ant Natalist which means "I want no one to have kids".
@@lisah8438 If you feel empowered by something such as not having kids then there’s something very wrong. Certain choices have nothing to do with empowerment. You just do them or don’t. Reminds me of the lady who said the most empowering thing she did was get an abortion. She also got a tattoo on her lip that said “abortion”. Clearly she wasn’t empowered so much as she was coping, but labeling it “empowerment”.
Dad guilt is very real, men just don’t express it. I speak with military men about having to leave their children and they tell me how excruciating it is leaving their children for deployment. Especially special Operations, they know the worst could happen. Men are just better at masking their emotions.
Exactly The fact that your kids look at you like a stranger that loved them from afar sucks. When you try to bond, they are just a bit too old and have the world to focus on as young adults A hobby keeps such a dad alive
That's why i make sure my child knows deeply repeatedly that daddy is not here so we can have food and shelter etc... he works hard for us. As mothers, we have to let our kids know and value the hardship their dad does, so when hes home they appreciate him and shower him with love and affection not alienating him just because they dont see him.
I'm a woman who chose to be a SAHM and have no interest in a money earning career. The amount of side eyes and comments I get on the regular from anyone under the age of 50 is astounding, because I just end up wondering if they WANT me to be as stressed as them trying to do everything all at once. It's okay to do one thing at a time! I choose motherhood now and may pursue a career later if I feel like it. My husband has a strong need to feel needed in a household structure because of an absent father his whole life, so I feel like this is a gift I can give him as well as myself. Idk. I just feel like putting the things that are easier when younger after the things that are easier when older (specifically for myself as a woman with no 'career plan' because rhe things I would want to do do not make much money) is a kind of cart-horse scenario, but if any ladies can and want to do it that way then all the power to them! 😁
You didn't just 'choose' though - your situation (being a SAHM) is simply not possible for many, many, many (even most) mothers. But I'm genuinely glad it works for you, and is possible - and also nobody should 'side eye' you for it.
absolutely. people nowadays think that freedom means to be independent, but freedom means to be either independent or not depending on what you want, thats what being free is. ironic that so many people are TRAPPED in the supposedly FREE side of things
I'm a man and I was almost crushed dropping my son off at day care for weeks/months. I think fathers don't have the same level of guilt as mothers because we have never been told that "we can have everything." Men know everything has a trade-off and are willing to accept shit in one area of life because that is just how it has to be.
@@houseofhas9355 Except historically women are the one who stayed home to tend to the children with no autonomy. She literally traded her life for her children and husband.
men probably don't feel as much guilt, because they have never been *expected* to fulfill both roles. women have to work under the pressure of their own internal biological clock, as well as traditionally being the primary caregiver to their children, *and* somehow weaving a career through it all, because we're independent and that's "success". in my experience, i felt betrayed by society, because it has been conveyed to us as being not only possible, but the height of our capabilities to do both - when in reality society falls woefully short of financially and practically supporting women to be able to - so we feel guilt like it's a personal failure, when in fact we've been set up from the start.
@@imathumb Women weren't expected to fill both roles until fairly recently. You can thank feminism for that. OP is correct, we know there's a trade off to everything. We've never been told we can "have it all".
My mom started as an accountant at a hospital and by the time I was in highschool she was CEO of another hospital. My dad worked full time as an engineer but took on a lot of the traditionally female roles like getting us to and from places during the week, making dinner, and grocery shopping. I am one of four kids. While I love my parents and know they did the best they could to make it possible for us to participate in sports and other extra curriculars. This meant though that my parents were never at any game, practice, school event because they were usually working or taking care of a sibling. I excelled in school and had an interest in medicine but knew that I wanted better work life balance because I wanted to be more involved in my kids life than my mom was. I'm an engineer working remotely and pregnant with my first. Even with the flexibility I have with my current job I feel like I'll still be so unavailable.
You’re also lucky because tech layoffs have been happening massively. Also coding is so damn difficult. I feel like you’ll be a good parent and figure it out
The fact that you’re already trying to prioritize this is wonderful! Even coming to this realization about wanting to be better than your parents is so admirable. You’ll find the perfect mix eventually.
@singlebulb no, she's planned her life in a way where she can and will ba available. But she feels that even with that planning and extra time, she feels like she still isn't going to be as present as she'd like. So she's going to be present.
husband/partner is also very important. my mother was a career woman, she LOVED her job. i am so glad that my father is very supportive, never felt inferior even though my mom had a better career, he even brag to this day that she had a higher salary than him haha 😭. they work together very amazingly that we never felt my mom’s absence as a child.
I’m glad you had parents that worked well in that situation. From my understanding, it’s not so much the man feeling “inferior” but rather the woman feeling superior because she is earning more money than him. Yes I admit some men feel insecure if they make less money than their partners but women typically want a man who makes more money than her because of hypergamy. It’s a difficult thing to balance.
Add on top of this a third category- be an attractive woman. Don’t just have a successful career and a dedicated mother- look like a model, too. That’s another pursuit that takes a TON of time.
True. Exercise, healthy diet, eventually also facials, hair, nails etc. I’m not a mom and even for me I’m overwhelmed sometimes. It takes a lot of work & money to be considered attractive nowadays.
Which is why feminism ruined the lives of women. Instead of keeping the status quo where only a minority of women were business owners through their own personal ambition or from being heirs to companies, now every woman is expected to get her butt out and work or she isn’t “independent” and therefore can’t escape a bad situation. But then we need to fund women’s shelters because women have a hard time getting out of a bad situation regardless??? Us women have so many safety nets that it’s really hard to understand why any woman would bother working if not for the lie we are told about careers. The elites have careers. Women have jobs and jobs suck. Why anyone would choose a job over her children, I have no idea…
We can have it all just not at the same time. Women need to understand this and don't belittle each other for it. Also, if you want to stay home stay home, provided you can afford it. That is between you and your spouse. You can be successful being a stay at home parent. Raising kids and taking care of the home, finances is hard work. Women in the work place, coming home to care for kids and home does have it harder. Plus you have the guilt of being away from your kids. SAHP don't tell me you work just as hard because I have done both. As much as we say men "help" around with childcare and house most times that is not true.
I told a woman. You can get a master and PH'D when you're married. And she called me an "ant- woman man" I was shocked because so many women who go to college at an older age, actually graduate with more support and less debt. The modern young woman is so brainwashed I don't think there is a way to fix this. You're absolutely right. You can have it all, but one at a time.
@@houseofhas9355 I don't think it's wrong for a woman to pursue a career. I think you were wrong to say that. Do you tell a man the same thing? I bet you don't but who knows other than you. Not everyone wants to have a family and not everyone wants to be married. I think it's her choice and she is not a bad person. Everyone has to deal with consequences of what they choose in life and telling someone they can't do something because of their biology is distasteful.
@@TheOMGRamen men have been learning to this slowly. I’m in my thirties and my generation of men are doing there best to balance work and time with their families. The younger ones are better. It’s ignored though because what’s talked about are the sins of our fathers and grandfathers. 💁🏽♂️ Ironically it’s women who’s having problems through their own culture finding balance in their lives. We’ve been listening for a long time.
Finally got time to watch this and happy I did. I am a mother. I knew when I was young that all I wanted to be was a mother. I prioritized finding a husband. I was married at 24 had my first child at 25. I am now 35 and only started a career 2 years ago after being a stay at home mom with my kids for the beginning of their lives. I am very happy with how I chose to go about that.
That's the way u should do it, you can always pursue a career but there's a time limit on when you can have kids. Even if you are able to have kids at 35 or 40, do you really want to be chasing after children in your late 40s/early 50s?
@@ItsOKtobeNormal Some women can do it, and some can't. I know a lot of "older" mums who are in great shape, and have looked after themselves, and younger ones who have health issues. There's no one size fits all. There are different challenges each way. The question is which set challenges do you want?
Father of 4 here and retired Army. I look back at all I missed while my boys were going up. I spent 25 years doing one thing. Deploying, training, and working late often. I missed gigantic chunks of their lives and I sometimes feel ashame. But they truly respected my sacrifice and all I can do is make sure I’m here for them.
My mother got really sick when I was younger. My father had to take on alot of responsibilites that she was doing. Helping me and my sibling with school ( we were homeschooled ) Going to the goccery store, cleaning the house, making doctors appointments, taking care of my sick mother. All the while trying to work a 9-5. My mother was a stay at home mother but she became unable for a couple of years due to illness. My father took care of the family the way she had and everyone saw a new appreciation for both of them.
I got my bachelors degree, and then I got my Masters degree. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the same day I found out I was accepted into a new work position (very physical labor.) I quit and became a stay at home mom for 4 years and don’t regret it one bit. She is worth everything. EDIT: I am now a single mother who works full time. Would I go back and change being a stay at home mom? No. The benefits to my daughter were huge. Although ladies, always make sure to have some money in your own bank account….you never know.
I'm 30 and quit the IT industry to become a housewife, which shocked my peers but I gotta admit I am much happier and our marriage has gotten better since I'm always at home, not having constant mental breakdowns on pushing to work more than 10hrs a day and feeling generally miserable. I am also lucky that my husband supports me in any way he can especially financially (I'm an introverted homebuddy so I guess my wants and expenses aren't that much?). We are now shifting our goals to have a child (I'm aware of the privilege that we have to afford such plans) and I hope my fertility will still be okay.
@MOUNTAIN-HEIR It's not fear mongering. It's a biological reality. You think all these women having difficulty to conceive at 30+ and health risks for the child and mother are just faking it? Your mom having you at 40 is one of the lucky few. It's just like those people who smoke everyday saying "well look at me, I smoked everyday and never had lung cancer or breathing problems" but we know the devastating effects of smoking.
@@alexl8445 a couple of years ago i was working in childcare, children were 3yrs and under.. more than half of those mothers were 35+.... i worked there for several years and witnessed mostly women who were "old" by traditional standards having children. Guess what??? They didn't die! Their children were not unhealthy! It don't care what sick lie your believing (made up by men) but there are plenty of women in older age (aka not mentally still children themselves) that can give birth to healthy babies.. it is not the lucky few!! Yes, there are women who have trouble conceiving down the road im not denying that. But goodness, lets stop acting like this is true for every woman when it is clearly not.
Why the hell are you worried at 30 about being fertile. That is still young. You are not 37. Take what God can give you. You will have a baby when you are meant to have a baby.
I have to say, as much as I respect your opinion, it is very easy to say “find your partner in your 20’s” and then get set in your career. I have had to work very hard in my industry (which is particularly competitive for women) and had a long term partner for most of my 20’s, we owned a home, ect, so I didn’t do too badly balancing love and a career. I was under the impression that my ex and I were going to get married and then when I was 29 he abruptly ended things. Since then, I have been single not by choice. I say all this not for a pity party, or to rake up old coals over a previous relationship, but that it can be very hurtful and demoralising for people like me, who did everything they could to facilitate the relationship of long term commitment in their 20’s only to be left high and dry. It isn’t fun being single in your 30’s and it wasn’t by choice. (Edit) I am of course not saying “don’t try” and “just give” up to people in the same place as me. If it is something you still want, as long as you are in a good place to keep trying- go for it! I just think that it is easy to chalk up a single person in their 30’s to them having been neglectful or having a lack of foresight for the future. Actually, it might not have been for those reasons at all and it could very easily happen to anyone in a long term relationship, regardless of age. S x
@@lucyhuiii I don’t think she’s saying not to try? I feel as if people are so very quick to say “Just settle with someone in your 20’s” like it’s a magic bullet or like people don’t do that already. Plenty of people have relationships in their 20’s, problem is, staying in the relationship requires another person agreeing to stay in it, and you can’t control other people. Being intentional is good, thinking long term is good, people should always try to make the life they want, but when it comes to relationships, you can make all the plans you want, but you can’t make anyone stay with you, so you should always put the most effort into the things you can control. Nothing makes you feel more disempowered than thinking you have to wait on the saving grace of some dude to hand you your life’s happiness and goals.
Hi @@lucyhuiii, maybe I didn’t make my point very clear. I am definitely not saying don’t try! I am saying, that you can do everything in your 20’s with the goal and intentions to find and end up in a long term relationship, only to find it doesn’t work out. Of course still keep trying in your 30’s (if that is what someone wants to do), but I appreciate that it is harder at this stage in life and it wasn’t that I didn’t try very hard in my 20’s to avoid this exact situation. I hope that makes my point clearer.
As someone who doesn’t desire to be a mother I’m always attacked, criticized and belittle. It has nothing to do with career. I just don’t have that maternal instinct nor I want the responsibility. I’m married with no children and can work when is necessary or when I want to but my husband is also happy to support me (staying at home). It took me so long to reach a point where I have peace and am truly content with my life. No kids is the path I chose but I respect people who choose kids. Why can’t I receive the same respect and understanding?
Who is criticizing you ? Media and social media highly promote the child free lifestyle and seem to look down on women who want to have traditional families.
@@tsrocks2029 and yet I see the opposite I’m constantly being bombarbed on social media by content and ads surrounded around motherhood cause i’m in the 25-35 age group. Btw I don’t mind they all seem happy and great for them. But y’all think is only one side of the spectrum being criticized. I think women get criticized regardless even after being a mom they will go on and criticize your parenting style and so on… I just want to be left alone and receive the same understanding and respect I give to others. I don’t want to listen how miserable my life will be when I’m old age and alone (like there’s no old people with kids left in homes).
@@hette457 What a clown! I don’t have it bad. I said I don’t want kids because my life is THAT GREAT and I don’t want the responsibility of being a mom 😂 I’m just saying childfree people get as criticized if not more than people with kids when both choices are great if people make them consciously.
@@hette457 The whole video is about motherhood, and here you are bringing world hunger and other terrible things (but unrelated). You wouldn't stop at nothing to feel like you're better than others, would you?
If you are a career woman that still wants to have a family, honestly, find yourself a house-husband (or at least a partner with more free time). Like really, let's destigmatize house-husbands. I'm sure that there's a lot of family-minded men out there that wouldn't mind being the primary caregiver for their children. Also, fathers being more widely considered viable primary caregivers would probably ease up the stress of "finding a man in their tax brackets" for high-earning women ; because at this point, ability to provide would be a lesser part of a man's worth as a partner.
It’s amazing to me how little people realize this simple solution. It’s always either telling women to stop working and be a housewife or just putting kids in daycare. Neither solution is all that great because you’re either expecting someone change their life to accommodate you without any regard for themselves or making children grow up without a parent who is always there for them. House-husbands sound like the best solution for women who want to work but most people don’t even think of that because of the stigma.
i was gonna say, a lot of this problem was spelt out when she read the statistical differences between high earning men's partners and high earning women's partners. Women desire to break from their traditional gender roles and want to be able to work and have full careers but refuse to go the other way and stop holding men to their traditional roles, its hard to break societal norms when you still abide by half of them. obviously not saying all women think this way but just based on the numbers it seems that many of them do
this was quite eye opening to be honest. there was never a point in life where having children was my goal and right now, in me early 20s a year into my relationship, that has solidified. i always thought that people (women, in particular) who are family oriented just have the "personality" for it and I genuinely believed that they can manage raising little humans AND their full time job just because that is what they wanted. i never realised that they actually are having a hard time because while yes, this is in fact what they want, the societal structure for that is actually missing. so thank you for this video, it's been quite informative. aside from the aforementioned, i did have a moment of FOMO when you showed the statistics surrounding our fertility because i was like "wait what if i change my mind and it's too late?" but it just reminded me that this isn't what i really want. still very interesting though. i know quite a few women who gave birth in their 40s but i guess those were some of the lucky ones.
as someone who was like you in my early 20's, I was always saying that I didn't want kids.., now I'm in my late 20's and hormones kicked in.. people underestimate how much hormones determine our behavior, I notice myself thinking now that I do want kids.. but as I'm not in a solid relationship, that brings immense pressure to find someone to click with that wants the same thing
@@carolinpurayidom4570 theoretically you can but getting pregnant is much harder and that is something no one talks about. I also know women who had babies in their 40s and not a single one of those women fell pregnant without fertility treatment. The pregnancies themselves were all high risk and difficult. I do understand that younger women do have difficult pregnancies as well but the likelihood is far less for them. To believe that women can have babies in 40s with no issues is very naive.
@@arip3363 it is also not the greatest for the children either in my opinion. Not only do you have increased risks for your baby and yourself, the baby also has a higher chance of losing you when they are relatively young But again, just my opinion. If I will get kids, I will try to keep myself to before 35, after that i see my chance as passed (which is the exact reason discussed in the video that most people make no real decision and loose against time)
It’s very damned/criticized no matter what success looks like to you. Like I once heard “Being a woman is being told ‘do this, but not like that, but not like that…’ and no stops saying but not like that.”
"OH Baby" is a great Koren show centered around this topic. The main plot focuses on a career women in her late 30s trying to get pregnant after her obgyn informs her of declining fertility. Then through side characters they look at all the choices women make trying to balance family and career. I found it really interesting since western media doesn't cover this topic in depth despite it being such a big part of so many people's lives.
I think it’s mostly in Korea. They are facing a crisis with people, not wanting to have children. And this can be seen as maybe a way to try to encourage people to have children earlier.
Yeah, women's fertility declines by their mid-30s. I'm not saying women shouldn't focus on their careers and explore their options, but they really need to be aware of declining fertility. Men also, men's fertility declines with age too. Lots of women and men don't want children ever, and that is totally fine. But if you are, then you need to know your options. The older you get, the more doors close. Even if a man were interested in being a father at older age, he still has less options too. Not many young women in their 20s are interested in marrying or having children with a man in this mid to late thirties when there are men their age out there who are interested.
In this economic climate, for most people, it is almost impossible for the household to solely rely on husband's income. But in effort just to live, the mother risk alienating their children. This is just lose-lose situation.
@@houseofhas9355 technically the increase in income in “expensive cities” usually evens out to the point where it just looks like it’s more expensive but it’s literally the same situation lol. For example in New York you might pay 4K a month for an apartment but you make 7k a month vs paying 2k for an apartment in a Florida suburb but you make 3.5k a month. Although you might pay extras for like taxes and other state regulations but if you really think it kinda evens out. That isn’t everyone’s situation though.
In Iceland in the eighties - young mothers were ensured kindergarten for their children, cheap loans for university degrees or other types of education. This made it possible that women when they were 30 could have a few children, finalised their education amd a carrier.
if only it was this easy.. I'm 28 now and I've been trying to find a partner most of my life. It's not easy being single when you really want a partner next to you
It's only hard if you make it hard. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe you set the standard too high? I'm not telling you lower it, and you shouldn't get into relationship out of pressure, not a real connection. There's nothing wrong with having a high standard, just be aware that means most men won't be able to meet it.
😅 I'm turning 33 this year and I don't have kids or a husband, because I'm lazy!!! I don't have anything against men and I don't have anything against children but personaly, I don't see myself showing up as a wife and mom everyday! Of cause, I could just hire a nanny but I also have issues delegating work. As much as I'm lazy, I still do my own house chores and cooking cause I can't delegate the work to a maid. I've been lazy since I was a kid, it drove my family crazy! Right now, I've built my life around my laziness. I have my own company, work from home and spend an average of 3 working days a week. I make enough to travel and I'm currently building my own house. It works for me and I'm happy. I've embraced my laziness and I live a stress free life. By 40, hopefully, I'll be retired and I cant wait. 😁😁
You say that now. But loneliness will be there to humble you. Remember anti-depression drugs may or may not have other health consequences. I think removing your DNA from the gene pool is also another way to win the Darwin award.
I’m so happy I managed to start my family early. I had my first kid at 23. And it was great. I worked before that… So with my kid I actually got to sleep enough. I went back to work when he was 2. As a freelancer. Now he’s almost 10 and his sister is 6. I struggle with all of my roles. I’d like to work less. But my work is essential to me as well. So I’m trying to balance.
I got my two children when I was 18 and 21. I am 25 now. I stayed home with them until they were 15 months. I studied until age 25, now, and they are now age 7 and 4. So they went to kindergarten and pre school while I was a student, so I was always very flexible. Now one is in school and one in pre school and I am done with my studies and now working as a nurse, but working 32 hours gives me more flexibility, often working 4 days a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I love what I do, earning my own money, doing something I like and developing myself. I still feel like I have time with my kids, like today when I got off at 3 pm we played, went for a bike ride outside, read, did home work, cooked together. When they went to sleep (my partner put them to bed) I went to the gym, and now I am chilling before I have to sleep. I feel like I have time to work, kids, myself, hobbies, friends/fam. Occasionally I go out. I have travelled lot of places abroad as well with the kids. Ofc not to say it is easy or my life is perfect, far from lol i am also a mess sometimes and I also have the mom guilt at times etc. But I feel like you dont have to choose and life doesn’t end with kids, they are a part of life. My mom also worked when I was a child (32 hours), looking back at my childhood I remember my mom being there and me spending a lot of time with her. My dad worked 37 hours. We also often saw my grandparents. I just think if a woman wants to work let her and if she wants to be a sahm let it, it is all about free choice and what works for her and her family if she wishes to create one. All these rules and shoulds becomes a bit much sometimes.
You don’t have to choose if you have a solid partner! That is the difference that isn’t discussed in this video, however the conversation isn’t about that exactly
I think there are seasons when you can have it all. Right now I’m a stay at home wife because I have young kids, but eventually I will gradually transition back to work as needed, but ultimately my family comes first and I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids. Side note, I live in Hungary 😂
Have you heard about Kristi Noem? She had kids earlier and then became a successful governor in South Dakota, and before that she helped run her family ranch.
Adoption is a thing for a reason. The societal concept that the only child worth having is one that carries your own DNA is a large impact to this viewpoint and whether or not "having it all" is obtainable. However, the adoption process is also incredibly difficult, so even then, the outcome would still be similar.
I hear you, but i belive there's a lot stronger biological incentive and biology based instincts that make bio children more appealing. Calling it a societal concept comes off as disingenuous.
@@PROJEDDY people believe everything is a social construct nowadays. Children who are raised by their biological parents are far less likely to be abused so I agree there is a biological favor towards biological children
@@MrGabox345 I did say the adoption process is incredibly difficult so I do agree with you. My main point was that you can have children that don’t rely on your fertility since that’s primarily what the video talked about.
@@PROJEDDY pretty sure the only reason why it’s biologically hardwired in us that we want children from ourselves is due to survival of the fittest and continuation of the species. Since this is no longer a necessity people are basically just into biological kids for the sex aspect of it
I am 31 and my partner is 29 and the only reason why we are still not marrief with children is that we cannot afford it (for now) I know my biological clock is ticking BUT cannot yield a child who I can't provide good life and be not a hurdle from their dreams. I have seen many MANY parents haggle with their children on which university or course they should study because they cannot afford it.. and worse.. haggle that they cannot go to college and work instead so they can send their own younger sibling to college. It breaks my heart. My partner and I has no support from our parents. My dad already retired from his lower than min wage job and my partner's narcissistic mom “retired” when he was just 17 who kept degrading him for not being successful and having a low paying job ................ Our goal now is to aim to be comfortable stable. If we can't then we are actually considering not having a child. Don't get me wrong.. we wanted to be parents.. but we can't add more suffering to someone who did not ask for it.
It is f***ing hard. I feel ashamed if I'm not working harder at my job, i feel ashamed I'm not being a better parent, I feel ashamed I'm not keeping the house clean enough, I feel ashamed I'm neglecting my marriage, I feel ashamed I'm neglecting myself. You can't really win in this way of life. But I am grateful and happy ❤
Imagine the reaction if it had been MEN forcing women into the labor force in the 1960s! But women put millions of other women to work, and now you are trapped. This is called "Women's LIBERATION."
Would it be too much to ask for everyone to just allow other people to live their lives without shame or guilt? If a woman (or man) does not want children, let them have their career. If a woman (or man) want to be stay-at-home mothers (or fathers) let them do that. Part of the problem with the "I want it all" mentality is simply that the person only "wants" one of the options -- the other side is often a part of social/peer pressure.
Also, people need to learn not to listen/care too much about what society or close relatives think. It's your (the couple) life and your (the couple) choice. My husband is definitely more the nurturer than I am . Love my kids, but I am not super motherly type. My husband and I agreed when to have kids and who would spent time more at work/home. As I make more money than him, it makes more sense for him to work less hours and be with the children more. We'd been married 25 years and we both happy with the decision we made. Our kids grew up happy, independent and successful. Now my husband retired...he can't wait for grandchildren to spoil - LOL
We live in civilization. It’s a project of collaborative efforts. Ppl need to understand chaos, and do as thou whilst, breaks civilization. Standards need to be known and kept. Ofcourse they don’t need absolute rigidity but the standard should be expressed and well known throughout the society. Social pressure exist NATURALLY for a reason. Stop taking advantage of the grace of a free society.. otherwise it will quickly become not so free.
Man Patience, what a great video. I had a high earner mom and a working dad, and I think it caused problems. My parents had problems before this, but my mom’s job definitely took a lot of her time. My dad would get mad that she wasn’t spending enough time with us and fights started to happen when I was a kid. I think my dad was insecure about making less money then my mom, but my mom started to focus more on her job and it the tension snapped in my second year of college. My parents got divorced, but I think if you just try and love your kid they’ll understand. Make time for them and don’t let your career consume you.
I have two older sisters. My eldest is very career driven and not interested in having kids. She and her partner are perfectly happy with fur babies. My other sister already has a child and she loves him but she did it too early and hasn’t matured enough for a kid yet . Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to be successful with getting a job since. And I know I wouldn’t be a good human parent, I don’t have the patience for it. I think having kids is great but I wouldn’t be a good parent. My nan says if I don’t then I’m being selfish. She thinks all women should have children or it’s selfish. I disagree, I think if you have kids that you aren’t ready for or can’t offer a good home to then that’s more selfish. I think to have kids you should be ready to love them and ready to support them both financially and emotionally.
The issue I find is people never see themselves as a part of the average or as a statistic, they hear the income average and assume they make more, they hear the divorce rate and assume it won’t be them, they see the unmarried rate and I’m sure you get the gist. I find unless you have a plan and your putting in the work your gonna end up as one of those statistics. People with successful careers and or relationships put in work and often planned it out if you talk to them, I’m sure you can find the expectation to the rule, but betting you’ll be that exception is not a game I’d play.
My wife and I married at 26. We both wanted her to be a stah. Living very simply and putting all extra money into our house and making certain decisions, (moving to another state), we were able to become debt free by the time we were 33. I have sacrificed alot of time with my kids, but, I'm sending them through college without any debt. Being raised, or not raised, by a single mother. I didn't want that for my kids. My wife has no regrets not having a career. Now that the kids are older she has free time to pursue her interest. I'm working for retirement and looking forward to grandkids. I wouldn't trade our lives with anyone.
This was an interesting topic. I'm a stay at home mum and I constantly feel guilty and wonder if I'm a good enough mother. I can't imagine going to work on top of that. Mothers who work and come home to take care of their kids at the end of the day are really amazing. All mothers are amazing!
What really guts me is how necessary it has become for both parents to work. Honestly having the choice to be a full-time parent, for men or women is a rare privilege these days. My wife would love to have been full-time mom and housewife. Since it would be joyful for her, I'd be happy with that choice. But we literally can't afford it. We live in tiny home that is already too small for us, our daughter, and my sister-in-law who lives with us and cares for our daughter while we're at work. If we didn't have her, in our lives, if this situation wasn't ideal for her, we'd have to live in an even smaller place, and we'd have even less time with our daughter, because we can't really afford childcare. There's just no way that we could make things work on my salary alone, and our situation is hardly rare. I'm a skilled worker too. You can't just _get_ my job. You have to have a license and on top of that, I've been promoted twice. Despite that, with housing costs as they are, we'll both likely be working well into our 60s or older.
That’s what happens when the supply of labor blows up from women entering the workforce in mass and the huge baby booms that happened after the WWs and during the sexual Revolution onward. The labor force damn near tripled and you expect the economic system to still be able to supply each individual person with the funds to run a family. It was a delicate balance that free sex and feminism broke, and now we are suffering through the consequences. The older generation loves to talk about how they were able to start and take care of a family 28 kids while on a janitor salary and bought their house for 2 blueberries and an half eaten pancake.. all by the age of 12. But they forget to mention have they ruin that for every generation after them while they criticize there 28 yr old son/daughter for failing to establish themselves in a similar way.
@@ez6888definitely agree, boomers are hands down the worst generation. Even worse than generation z in my opinion because at least gen z knows they sucks.
My mom had me when she was changing her career (in her early 20's), and while she was doing her second, she had my brother. By the time that I was 7 yo, she graduated and then started to work and that was her life until she took the option, when I was in my early teens, to just stay at home to keep the house working, to be with us and make sure that we have all that we need. She told me that she felt like she couldn't keep both aspects of her life (work and motherhood) so she choose the one where she felt that her presence was needed the most.
I wish there were more structures in modern society that made it easier for serious people to court and date for marriage. There seems to be many people who want to marry and they have a hard time finding someone or finding a place to look. Im so greatful I met my husband at a young age but it makes me sad many people in my generation still aren't married and probably never will be. I think a huge reason for this is society started looking down on marriage, promoting promiscuity as "empowering", and there's no space for people to even look for a serious partner. I hope things change because I don't think that many people are happy with the way things are.
I agree! Everyone is just like “oh just screw around, have multiple flings or partners, settling down is for boring people” I’m 27 and I’m pretty old fashioned in the sense I just think everyone should be able to find the one & settle down
I have always known that, when I get married and have kids, I will be a SAHM. I've always wanted kids and loved the idea of taking care of the household and family. I'm 23 but not married yet, so I'm currently studying to get into tech. It's not my passion and I don't really love it, but it's a field that will make me good money until I have kids. Plus, once I have my degree, it will (hopefully) be easier to get back into the workforce when I decide to.
Depends on the woman. I'm Asian and some women in my parent's generation have professional careers and a good family. It all relies on two things: hard work and not quitting at the first sign of trouble (divorce)
Thank you so much for making this video! As a a full-time employee, full-time mom, and aspiring author, I feel ALLLLL the mom guilt. It's really hard to explain what it's like to simultaneously be very ambitious and want to put your kids first. You're always so thorough, and I loved this take on this issue. I'm 25 and have 2 kids, and I've learned that I have to let my ambitions slide to the back burner a little bit right now and be okay with my career taking off a little slower than I originally though. I have the rest of my life to build my career, but only a few years to enjoy my babies being babies. This might look different to everyone, but that perspective has helped me feel less guilt and enjoy life more, while still getting the things I NEED to get done done.
Most young women these days are not rushing into marriages. They have spent most of their early 20's getting an expensive education and have debts to repay. Plus they want to live a bit without being tied down with husband and kids. They want to establish themselves in a career/job and with their finances. Most of them were told you can have it all, do it all and be anything you want to be. Yeah, no wonder it's harder finding a mate.
My wife and I did exactly what you said around the 23 minute mark. We met when she was early 20s and I was mid. She had already started a career and I was fresh out of the navy and had no idea what I wanted to do. She supported me through college as she built her career...I graduated from college and started a career, we had two kids, and we both built our careers. She is much more career driven then me so I support her and have a much less taxing, time consuming job and am the much more "present" parent. It works for us. We both have some guilt about not falling into the gender norms in this regard but we've built a very strong relationship and family...starting and establishing things early on helped for sure.
We only have so much time. Sacrifices have to be made according to what you decide to prioritize. Also each person will have a certain level of career growth or family time/dedication that they find appropriate. If you can find a situation or scenario that fits your desired outcome then that is great, but to find such a specific scenario leaves one with a narrowed pool of opportunities through which to pursue it. Not impossible, but limiting. I think the issue is with having expectations of wanting to be a very dedicated mother while also wanting to have a successful career that is also incredibly demanding. You cannot have both equally. There will inevitably be give and take somewhere. If you can find a partner willing to sacrifice some, so you can give the necessary time to dedicate to more to your career then that's great, but limits your dating pool. The reason men don't get as much flack is because society expects them to sacrifice more in the familial department in order to work. What about men who would challenge their societal expectation of needing to be a hard working caregiving for wanting to be more familial? Men looking for this would find their dating pool limited as well. A conversation for another time perhaps.
My sister had to freeze her eggs to have her second daughter and only 4 eggs survived and it was 10s of thousands of dollars for her and her doctor appointments. Thankfully she was able to deliver the baby and she is currently 16 months old. Meanwhile I’m currently trying for my second baby as well as trying to start my career up at 25 and while stressful, I’m glad that I at least started my family with my son and husband before starting my schooling for my career due to fertility problems that I have and being extremely high risk for pregnancy. Though I personally will put my family before my career because at the end of the day, my husband and children and extended family is more important than money could ever be. But I will also not judge those who have different values
Well honestly? You can have children in your own! It's gonna be harder but if you have one kid, adopted or through artificial insemination, it is totally possible! And worth it imo. Better than doing what many of our moms did and just picking a random loser to marry because "the biological clock is ticking" (this is fr). I also want kids and if I don't find the right person by 30, I'll probably have them on my own!
As a woman in her late 20s and very single 😅 and also has PCOS I’m painstakingly aware our short fertility window. My dream is to be a mom, but I also don’t leave my house other than to work and visit my family to meet a man. Maybe because of where I live, most men at my age; don’t want to be married and have kids. Because of my PCOS. I want to start having kids kinda immediately. I had a coworker who is a art director for animation and we had a very honest conversation about having children and a career. While it’s a deeply personal opinion. She said if she could go back and spend more time with her kids she would. Because her relationship with her kids isn’t what both parties want and a bit strained. Obviously, it’s up the woman and her choice. But I think we need to be genuinely honest with each other about the pros and cons. That way we have the most information to make our decision. Because if we don’t make one, time will make it for us. And we can’t get time back.
Those men exist. I promise you they do. They are just scared of having their reputation and freedom taken from them. Go out and do male majority activities and you will meet a man. But be aware of the times we live in. A man talking to a woman now a days has been painted as a creepy or criminal act. Most American women walk around with this mindset of talking to them in public is some how a bad thing. Go up and ask him a random question. Most men will see what you're doing and take it from there.
Thanks for making this video! I 1000% agree with you! We have to stop telling woman they can do it all, we can’t… something will suffer… your relationship to your partner, your relationship with your child or yourself! I am a mother of 2 (one of which is disabled) and nobody told me that before … we have to open young woman’s eyes to reality! 👏
Loved this video. I’m in my late twenties and still single, have been living as an English teacher abroad 3 out of the 5 years since I graduated college, and while it has been a dream come true, I have had no success in finding a partner, despite a long-term dream of being a mom. I have been having to consider if I want to look for someone where I live now, thus seriously considering the possibility of setting down roots far from home, or wait a little and look intentionally back home, even if I am not sure where I want to live long-term. I love hearing about this topic as it is something often on my mind, and I love hearing others’ stories and perspectives, as well as hearing the simple “it’s normal to want to be a mom” in a Western culture that does so highly prize women who are career-driven and successful in a way that leaves motherhood behind.
You did it again Patience. Balanced, informative, entertaining. Quality. Just one pushback. Dad's too feel guilt at missing large portions of their children's upbringings (at least I did). But we accept this as part of life and are less likely to express it. So its not like we don't feel it. Women moan more, that's all.
I am going to marry this summer and last week I was talking to with my colleague and I told her I want to have a baby. She looked at me with shook,keep asking me why? Don’t you love yourself? Etc. I don’t know I always want to be mother and my fiancé thinks the same too. I dont mind being mother. I have a college degree. I can find job again and my fiancé engineer too. We will be fine financially.I don’t understand when women judge other women with their decisions.
That’s crazy that they think being a mother means you don’t love yourself. It’s very sad how continuing the population of the species is so frowned upon nowadays. I wish you the best of luck in your future marriage.
"The work we do is important. The work you do is important. But at the end of the day someone else is gonna sit in this seat. I'm gonna leave. And the show will go on. But nobody else is gonna be my kid's mom. Nobody else is going to be my husband's wife. Or my parent's children. And I need to be fully present there. We all have these unique roles that only you can fill". Wow, this is such a good way to put it. It's about prioritizing the roles in your life that are most important or most unique for you. Most people have jobs where they can easily be replaced. So why treat that as more important than the roles in your life that can't be? I want children one day. I have a career but no partner yet. For me, it'll more important to fully be present in my role as a mom and wife, than it'll be to reach the heights of my profession. I know not everyone has the privilege to take a step back and spend more time at home though. I hope I will find my own sort of balance, whatever that looks like.
My mum stayed home for me and my siblings, she's the most amazing mum I can possibly imagine, and I've always known that I'm unwilling to put in the same dedication and love that she's given us her entire life. If I were to have children, I'd feel compelled to do it her way and live up to her standard. I would probably love those children with all my heart but they would ruin my life all the same. Luckily, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to me. I've never had a desire to have kids.
The sad part is I was always fully aware of fertility dropping after 30, and did want to have kids before that age... but looks and personality didn't allow me to. No fertility issues, not carreer-driven, just my genes were not good enough for the next generation :(
Mind blowing stats. You’re right, we should know more about these stats on fertility and pregnancy - so much information is known by the scientific community but that knowledge isnt taught to us
Five years ago I got fired by the General Manager (ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!) because I went to breakfast with a former employee whom the GM hated. I sent an email to the owner of the company explaining the situation. She reply to me that she was aware of some of the negative things the GM was doing to the employees but she didn't have the time to address it because she was stressed about things at home and also dealing with a new baby. Not once did she offer a solution just an excuse. Never did she rectify the situation just ignored it. One of her managers was mistreating several of her employees and she did nothing. While reading her pathetic email all I could think of was, "Lady....if you can't manage your career and your family then you need to give up one of them, because your failing at both." Her family life was suffering because she was trying to run a company and her employees were suffering because she was trying to raise a family. Some women can manage it but she couldn't.
Actually it’s a lot about being honest to yourself and asking for help. I know a lot of power couples where both work in successful careers in leadership roles, none of them get it done without help. Usually the grandparents and/or additional au pairs or something. 16:40
Absolutely on point! I'm one of those who waited too long so I can speak from experience. Also, I had a coworker who had two children and her husband was a SAHD. It worked so well for them, fit their dreams and personalities. So there is no one way to do this but as you said, be strategic. Thanks for another great video.
I want to add two things to the fertility section: it always is an option to have kids on your own, althought it may be VERY VERY difficult, but I feel like this option isn't as discussed as it should, and if you really want to have kids but can't get pregnant, you can always adopt, which I think we should normalize because I am amazed by the way adopted kids are still viewed as less than natural kids. Again, I know these two things are quite complicated, but I think it would be healthy and smart to start bringing them into the conversation. I already said this in another comment but in my country there is a great GREAT number of single mothers who raise their kids 100% on their own, some, like mine, even raise up to 3 kids alone. It's hard, but worth it
No matter what you do they'll always be someone who has a problem with your choice. Just do you. The critics aren't the ones putting clothes on your back, food on your table or a roof over your house, so you owe them nothing
"They don't seem to experience the same level of guilt." The operative word in the at sentence is 'seem'. We are taught from a very early age to hide our feelings, and we told from a very early age that our entire worth, as a man, is in our ability to provide. We experience the guilt. It's just that the guilt we would feel by stepping away from our income, in _choosing_ not to provide, is just as or even more intense. It doesn't feel like a real choice that we're allowed to make. But we're not necessarily blind. We can see how much our children want to spend time with us. We can see how much they need us. The torment is real. I think this is why suicides are disproportionately amongst older men. When we can't work anymore, we've lost our entire identity, but we've also lost the primary respite from the pain and guilt of having failed to be there for our children when they were young. We can see the impact of that, we can feel the distance that forms. Without the distraction of work, for many men, there is nowhere to turn but a warm gun. Sorry to sound so dire, but I've seen this play out. I have felt very lucky to have had opportunities that have afforded me, much more time with my daughter than my father had with me. I'm also grateful that he gave me the gift of reframing manhood for me. As he got older, he started telling me that he'd do it differently, if he could have. He kind of made a point of telling me that he considers the time I spend with my daughter the manliest thing I do. It helps.
Another fantastic video! I honestly struggle with the mum guilt constantly. I choose early on to give up my pursuit of my dream career to have a family and I was, and still am OK with that. I love my partner and our two kids, I wouldn't want it any other way. However, having kids is expensive and tbh just living is expensive! So ideally it is best for either both parents to have full time jobs or if you are lucky, Daddy have a high paying job. In our family Daddy is not in a high paying job so I feel pressure to not only support the family emotionally but financially too. So I ran a business from home, where I could choose my own hours, still be with the kids etc but in order to run a successful business, you need to put the work in, and this means less time for family and my "duties" as a mother and a partner. It is impossible to do it all, absolutely impossible. Well for me it is anyways. My partner can sit down and happily do as he wishes when he gets home from work, but my mind tells me, must focus on the kids, the house etc there is no time left for me. Obviously I don't know what it is like to live in a man's world and of course I am bias being a woman, and I am not saying men don't also have their own struggles but God damn its hard being a woman. You need to be beautiful, a good mother, keep the house spotless, bring in money, we need to juggle so much and honestly it's bloody overwhelming.
"In a world filled with misery and uncertainty, it is great comfort to know that, in the end, there is light in the darkness." - Joshua Graham Seriously Xina. I'm happy someone like you is here. You're respectful but not meek. You're still willing to backup your opinions and admit when you forgot to mention something or made a mistake. We need more people like you. You truly are a light shining in these dark times.
Also to add that being a stay at home mum can be very isolating. I do think mothers are instinctually inclined to stay with their babies but we are not designed to be alone. Historically we’d be surrounded by people while with our babies. So some women, myself included, find being a SAHM hard because we miss feeling part of something larger.
I literally cried yesterday in front of my fiancée because I have been researching and am coming to realize that becoming a full-time SAHM may be impossible. It broke my heart to come to the realization that I may have a baby next year and have to go to work after maternity. I am not even a mom yet, but I am feeling a VERY strong sense of guilt.
It is so hard. I'm sure you'll still be a wonderful, loving mom though. I mean, you already love your kid that much and they aren't even in the world yet!
My mom struggled with the same thing when we were growing up. She had us in her early 20s and had to surrender us to our grandmother due to mental and physical health issues. She had to work an office job just to survive and help our grandma pay for our basic needs. It was the worst years of our lives as children, because we missed our mom a lot. Later on my mom got remarried and had another child, my half brother. She tried working and being a mother a second time. That time she already had another job, as a caregiver. She worked 5 days a week 8 to 12 hours a day, depending on her clients. While she had a choice of schedule, she was still very exhausted from all the work she did. She nearly worked herself to death. In 2015 she had to quit her job, due to it interfering with her abilities as a mother. She kept getting sick, and couldn’t keep up with her maternal duties such as cooking, and taking us to school. Things are different now. My mom can’t work anymore. But she still wants something to do. She’s hoping to have a stay at home job, something to do with photography or video. Either way, she has my full support.
I'm 42 and a SAHM of 3 daughters ages 15, 8 and 4. I quit my job of 9 years of teaching Psychology in a university here in the Philippines. I quit while I was pregnant with baby #2, with the rationalization that my field is simply left-leaning, and I no longer want to contribute to the continued indoctrination of the youth. Seeing how farther left everything has gone, I conclude that my decision was the right one. Sadly, my husband still works in the same university, but at least his field is less politicized. (Accountancy) I have no desire to work again when my children get older. 😊
How nice to hear the voice of reason and logic! Greer's statement about all women houses is amusing - have you ever seen 2 women in a kitchen together! In the mainly female office where I worked, girls I knew as good and decent became absolute tyrants when they were made team leaders. I was flabbergasted at the instant change in demeanour. Just as some men have trophy wives, quite a few women have trophy children - usually looked after full time by a trophy nanny - so all they have in common is an egg, not a life ..and a word from the first Nobel laureate in literature, Rudyard Kipling..echoing your comment about the she bear "When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride, He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside. But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail. For the female of the species is more deadly than the male."
I married a man in the top 10% and he never cared how much I made. I was making 50 cents over minimum wage when we met. He just cared about me as a partner and future mother/wife.
@@se2664 I was in college and living with my parents. We both have terrific relationships with our parents and super close families. I literally never lived alone. The closest was when I lived with a bunch of girls from church for a year in college when my parents moved.
My mom started working when I was in middle school because my dad wasn't making enough anymore. Of course, he did not want her to work and wanted her to stay a housewife because someone HAD to take care of him, the children, and the house. And of course, he wasn't going to do it. My mom WANTED to work tho. Not only did my family NEED the money, she was also just tired of being a housewife. She was not being appreciated by anyone anymore, and she was also being taken for granted (something I regret a lot). Especially by my dad. To keep my dad happy and for him to give her permission to work, she tried balancing being a wife and a mother (but more specifically a wife). She worked long hours and the job was very physically demanding (she worked at a cotton gin), so eventually she "failed" (as my dad would put it). She couldn't keep up with cooking for my dad and taking his verbal abuse. She also noticed how much of a failure of a father he was to the point he let my siblings and I go to bed hungry. That's when the fights started. "If you can't be a wife then just quit," he would tell her. "You're a failure and worthless." This went on for years. I couldn't handle all the verbal abuse and fights so I ended up moving out by like 15/16. After years of my mom taking shit from my dad, her own child moving out is what caused her to open her eyes. What was the point of staying with my dad "for the kids" if staying with him caused one of her kids to leave? She eventually moved out like a year or so later with two of my brothers. I know my mom feels a lot of guilt for "abandoning" us when we most needed her. I know for the longest time, my brothers and I even gave her shit for it. We saldy even called her a bad mom. Of course, now that we are older, we realize that she did what she did because she HAD to. If anyone was a failure it was my dad. I regret the shit I told her when I was younger and the pain I caused. I was confused and angry at the world and she was just the easiest way to get my anger out I guess. I now let her know that although she isn't a "perfect" mom (because no one is), she's the best mom I could have ever gotten, and I'm extremely lucky for that. I know my mom working and being a housewife would have worked if my dad would have just been more supportive. If my dad would have just been a fucking dad and taken care of us. But no, he had to have old fashion ideals and be an alcoholic, workaholic (an interesting convo if you ask me). For anyone reading this, take it as a precautionary tale. 1. Be supportive of your partner (them wanting to work, be a housewife/househusband, or both), 2. Kids can be very ignorant and not understand why you as a parent might be doing something. Just be patient and forgive what they say. They'll end up coming to their senses and regretting what they've said. And 3. Do NOT stay for the kids. More than anything, you'll just end up fucking them over.
I’m 28 and don’t have a kid. Through my own choices, I just don’t see myself having a baby nor do I want one, at this moment in time that is. I like my free time, quiet time to do the things I love. My personal view if I had to choose, I rather get a dog as they are still a handful but without the crying.
Same. I’m 25 and don’t want any kids. I enjoy my QUIET time and not having to look after anybody. The moment someone yells my name I’m instantly annoyed. I also HATE being inconvenienced. If I couldn’t make a social gathering because no one wanted to watch kid/the father being an ass I would be very upset.
@@qwertyrobbo101 The more people try to convince me to do or follow what others seem to do in their lives, the more I feel the urge to not do it. Not just to prove my point but to also say, “I Carve My Own Path.” I tend to not take being peer pressured into making such decisions such as having a baby. I’m not saying I’m unfit or wise enough to be a mum as I know that I’ll be a great mum, if I was to go down that road. However my own personal opinion on my own life so far, I’ve always valued my own company and the peace it brings. I see my life being child free and being able to do the things that makes me happy and at least travel some before even considering such change to my life, especially in this day and age when we have a financial crisis. And yeah, a baby cost lots too. I want to travel places before settling down in such ways, having a relationship is fine but nothing more if the time or person isn’t ready to make that jump. Soooo, I’m gonna stick to my life the way it is. 😊☕️✌🏽
@@KaysFantasy I'm not trying to convince you either way, without being rude I don't know you and I have zero investment in you or how your life turns out. I'm simply sharing my own experience
Hurrah to you. A complex situation well observed. When I was young almost all women were homebound often with large families, post war the push was for the opportunities gained during the need for all the workers it was possible to , get slid into women pursuing some kind of career if she wanted to do and so, on till now when it takes two salaries to live at the same level one salary could accomplish in the past. It is a heavy load indeed and I don’t blame us at all for asking the very important questions you evaluated. I think we have a hard time ahead for all of us. I can’t imagine what the answer is……I hope children aren’t siphoned off into national institutions to keep their caregivers into work for the greater good. I don’t think the ‘greater’ will be at all grateful.
I was the bread winner. Housework was what was sacrificed. As long as the kids know that you'll drop everything for them if they really need it, they'll be fine. It was exhausting, but so worth it.
I really appreciate you making a distinction between career women and working women. I'm personally very disillusioned with the idea of a career, but of course I do have to work, it's just stopped being something about fulfillment. Also, there's something to be said for extended families living together, or in close proximity, something Greer probably had in mind. Seeing that a single person can't support a nuclear family anymore, it's vital that we (and especially single or divorced mothers) have a kind of support structure so as not to be reliant on outsourcing childcare. I don't know, it seems we're not handling this well in our current socioeconomic model at all.
I'm in my mid twenties, pursuing a masters degree in 2 majors, and I thought it was very interesting when you pointed out how much easier it is to build a career and life together when you get with someone while you're still in that phase of life. Currently I'm not seeing anyone, and the dating world is SO messed up right now that I want to just be by myself for a while. While I'm aware that it gets more difficult with time, and it must be a HUGE task to balance jobs, ambitions, even habits, in your 30s and later, I see it like this: the work that I put into my university now, and into a job hopefully very soon, is not going to wake up and decide to ghost me, or go off and cheat, or whatnot. I guess that women being increasingly more career-oriented nowadays also has something to do with having bad relationship experiences, and the current general situation in dating. another amazing video as always, I love your opinions and all the research that you do 💖💖💖 (i know this comment tackles only a very small thing you said, maybe not the general topic of the video, but it is what i found most relatable in my current phase of life 😁)
Tbh that wont make it better tho. Men do not care about your tax bracket or how many degrees you got. We all make the mistake that we assume too much about the other gender. Women and men have completely different motivations and find different things attractive in another. If we can find middle ground - amazing. Thats where relationships can flourish.
I watched an episode of Reba last night where she began to question her parenting after she was fired for not being a “good role model”. One thing her ex husband said that stuck out to me was that every family has to make their own decision as there is no one, right answer to everything and what she did was best for her family. With that being said, traditional and modern women shouldn’t shame one another for their lifestyles as they both have cons. Both sides should have a realistic perspective on building their families and doing what’s best for them. Not what social media tells them.
The dad guilt part really got me... My dad retired early due to a health complication 8 years ago. He's since then been trying hard to spend time with my mom and me. Sometimes, I brush it off since I too have gotten busy with my own life. I called him up today to check in on him and my mom. I haven't done that for literal years. I felt my tears well up thinking that what if he doesn't have enough time to spend with mom and I. He's doing okay so far, he took my mom out on a date. He was worried about me getting into some trouble because I called up. I wish I could've said more. Maybe I'll call again some time.
This was a very interesting video, I really enjoyed it :). (Honestly, I always do). In my experience, I'm kind of following with what you said at the end of your video. I was with my bf while doing college. Half way I accidentally got pregnant. Now I have the most beautiful one year old and I got 2 more years of university to go. All the while my husband works and I am a SAHM while attending my online classes. Once I'm done and I begin my career, we plan on switching, he'll be the SAHD and finish college while I take care of the bills. If all goes well, by the time he's done, our baby should be in school by then. We're hoping this is the best for our family :)
When I went back to work after maternity leave I cried in my car, on the way to work. and half of my shift. I agree mom guilt is bc of biology. I knew my baby was safe with the hubby but it didn't matter to my crazy postpartum brain. On a second point you made, I met and started dating my hubby when I was 19, he was 22. We got married when I was 27 and had our baby 2 years later. Between that time of getting married we both built our careers side by side. It's worked out well but I will say I still dropped down to part time bc I felt I was missing so much of my child's life.
Another great video ❤!! I have to say I’ve been VERY lucky. I found my first partner when i was 24, had my first Babygirl when i was 28! And He was able to support me even though we got divorced. I was there for ten years and I enjoyed every minute of it. Now with my second baby still im still able to work just part time and im happy that i can be there for her. Some people even criticised me for having a second one n my late 30s but i felt like i have to one isn’t enough. ❤happy i did. Two beautiful daughters ❤ my two best friends. But im aware not all girl have the same luck 😢
A woman can have it all, so long as she gets the timing right ... 1. Select a suitable mate very early. Even teen years. For example picking from family friends, et c ... People who already have some ties to her family and have motivation to not "misbehave". 2. Have kids early. Like at 20yrs. Have like 3kids before 25yrs ... Simultaneously do school work. Because universities generally don't mind dealing with pregnant woman and young mothers ... At this point, the woman can also start pursuing her carrier, but lightly. 3. Focus on raising the kids for at least 13yrs ... While at the same time getting the highest level of education and mastery possible ... When the kids go to high school. Put the kids in boarding school. And start your carrier at early to mid 30s. 4. Go hard on carrier. While the kids finish high school and start getting independent. 5. Given that humans live past 70yrs, it means that this woman would still have over 30yrs to pursue whatever she wants.
The funny thing is people think men can "have it all" but they can't, the problem just manifests itself in a different way. My Dad, for instance, has been a physician (neurologist) for 40+ years and he was the income earner while my Mom stayed home and kept the house up and raised my brother and me. My Dad generally worked 15+ days every single day. It was rare that my brother and I saw our Dad on weekdays since we left for school early (high school started at 7:40 AM) and my Dad rarely got home before midnight. My Dad ended up missing almost every single important step in our lives and it's only been within the last decade (after my Mom died and my Dad's slowed down because he's 70 years-old now) that my brother and I have really gotten to know him, and I'm in my early 40s and my brother is in his late 30s. Yes, he had a terrific career, but he had virtually no family life to speak of and had very little contact with his kids, and although I don't know the details, I'm sure there was a lot of issues between him and my Mom because he was working all the time. So no one can "have it all" because it's a choice between focusing on your career or your family in most cases, and even in situations where parents try to have a good balance between the two, one of those always takes precedence.
Fertility is a tricky factor, because what if you really do want to have children and your time is running out, but you have neither the structure and stability, nor the money or job and not even a partner to it with? Would you just settle for the next best guy, or trick someone into fathering the child even though they don't want to? Just like you're correctly stating, often the choice isn't even up to the woman at all, but to the entire system. I think this ties in well with your videos about hookup culture and loneliness. Looking for a solid partner, building a relationship and pursuing a career in your early 20s is also very tricky; you might not even be in a place where you fully know what you want from life. Not only does it put an immense pressure on you and everyone you go out on a date with, it can also make the whole thing more difficult, because you put so much pressure on every date. It also puts pressure on studying the next best thing or pursuing the next best job, just in order to have some foundation to later turn into a career, which you might realise you're completely unhappy with or unfit for. This all leads to so much stress, that you either won't find a partner, won't find a career, or you do, but it all falls apart years later from the stress you caused earlier, including a risk of burn-out. And we do need children. Our generation (Millenials and Zs) will already be in a massive senior-care-crisis. There will be neither enough money, nor enough people to care for us when we're old, and we're still getting older on average. It's worrisome. But the people who do have a lot of children are either criticised for living in a backwards, regressive manner, or belong to the classes of people who might not even want or can afford children and abandon them. (This point is a bit classicist, but I know low-income families that are really struggling, worse when they do have kids) One big solution for the whole thing is to give parents better conditions. Don't deny a woman her job just because she's planning to have children in the next 5 years and give moms and dads equal opportunities to take ample time off of work to care for their children. Women could have it all, or at least a bit more than currently, if their partners were able to care for the kids as well, instead of being forced to work in order to regenerate the lost income from one parent staying home full time. The other consequence is that parents load of their newborn babies at daycares and basically let the state - or worse, private companies, take care of them for 18 years, leaving whole parts of the younger generations in effect parentless.
This popped up on my feed on the perfect day. I was an IVF professional mom (after several early miscarriages & now being 35), and have a beautiful baby boy. My husband and I were making the decision this week about our frozen embryos. On Monday, we realized we're too career driven and going through pregnancy again is a non-starter. We wouldn't be able to give our son enough of us - let alone another baby. Then yesterday, I decided this is the best time in my life to add in my professional doctorate degree. So I'll be applying this winter. We've made some hard decisions, delayed some goals and dropped off others, but this is the way we can "have it all." We've discussed, if our son gets to be 4+ and the entire household wants him to have a sibling, we'll pursue adoption.
Yeah, Hanna’s video got me hardcore. My daughter’s turning 4 months next week and every doctors appointment the nurses and doctor are thrilled with how she’s doing and tell me I’m doing a great job but it never feels like it to me. Once I returned to work it got that much harder. It feels like I have 3 jobs now: my day job, being a mom and pumping and two of those jobs don’t pay.
Great video Xina, as a working mum it broke my heart watching those mothers, it's a feeling many of us know too well, even if we didn't pursue full blown careers. Great observation with female mammals. Pregnancy and labour along with breastfeeding cause the release of bonding hormones like oxytocin. Because of these biological processes mammalian mothers are able to build very strong attachments to their babies. The mother building an attachment has always historically been essential for the survival of the child as she is the one who has the milk etc. Although now women don't have to do things like breastfeeding anymore it doesn't change how we've evolved to be. Pandas are an example of how bad it is when a mammalian mother doesn't bond with her baby, when female Pandas give birth to twins they normally only feed and nurture one, so the other one dies. So of course if our body's hardwire us to build strong bonds with our babies is it any wonder we find it hard to break these bonds, even if it's temporary by leaving them?? As a mum of 2 children I honestly find the idea that the reason I felt overwhelming sadness when I had to drop off my children at nursery is because "other people/ society told me I'm supposed to feel bad" so stupid🙄 Those people are clearly not mothers, there's nothing about it that isn't instinctual. There are so many things you do when you become a mother that you don't even understand but it's as if your instincts kick in and your body just knows what to do. When a mum co-sleeps with her baby she naturally forms a C shape around her child so that she doesn't squish them. It's dangerous to co-sleep with a baby if the father is also in the bed because men don't have this instinct. What part of society told us to do that? It's absolutely biological!
That's so interesting!
@@PatienceXina It is😄btw I personally don't recommend co-sleeping. But it's interesting to know x
And that's precisely why it's more important for the mother to be the primary care taker rather than the father. The father should obviously be involved with his kids as much as he can be, but there is an undeniably special connection between a mother and a child. Simply having the dad around isn't enough to fill the void in the child's heart if the mother is absent.
It's natural to co sleep. Every single mammal co sleeps with their babies.
@@xxGuItArGiRLxx89 there is a higher risk of S.I.D.S. (Sudden infant death syndrome) with co-sleeping ☹️
My mom went to college to become a nurse and worked for 2 years. She then had me at 24 and remained a SAHM until I was 13, and my brothers were 11 and 10. Then she resumed working as a nurse. My parents told me they planned this carefully. My parents were both older children of many siblings, and they hated being parentified at a young age. So they endured having babies so close together so we wouldn’t go through that, and so my mom could resume working in a relatively short time without worrying about young children. And she already had the education to launch into her career when she was ready again. Family planning is essential, and I want to do the same!
I love that they planned for their family. I will do the same, despite people thinking that this isn’t possible.
I'm the oldest of a large family too, and while being parentified at a young age was incredibly challenging, I could not be more grateful for it. It allows me to realistically plan my family's future in a way many other young women cannot have an idea how to do so. Good job on your parents!
@@estherhinds6314 that’s good! Everyone has very different experiences in life, and my parent’s experiences made them want to have our family in a particular way. The downside is that we weren’t good with children, but when I was 16 they started to let me babysit cousins and neighbors, same for my brothers. It’s not the same but I think everyone should be around kids if they’re planning to have them lol
@@bluon259 yes! I totally agree. Parenting styles differ, and they should. And it's good your parents exposed you to childcare through a different medium so you will be better prepared to figure out yours in the future
Demonic influence anyone? Who knows what they do with those eggs when no ones watching
Nobody shames women for their choices more than other women. We are so unbelievably cruel to one another for no reason. It's disgusting.
I disagree. Women learned to shame and judge but men invented it and used it to control half the population. That's worse.
I've only seen and experienced males doing that.
On a brighter note, Spooky Paladin is a fantastic username.
Probably because most think of what could have been if they decided differently, so envy or regret because the gras is always greener on the other side
Lol you must not be aware of the “manosphere”.
After my dad retired from his job he started wanting to babysit his grandkids. When I ask him why he told me his biggest regret was not being with me and sisters more.
Many men have this feeling..but they know, they must provide for their family. The media and feminism has made millions of women believe, men working all the time =meant they didn't want to be in their children's life. Which is a massive lie. Many older men I worked with struggled with being away a lot to provide for their family.
In the 1990s they use make movies about businessmen choosing career over family, and at the end of the movie they would pick their family. But in the modern 2020s women are picking their career over family long before said family is even created. They are doing this by running the shot clock out with their boss girl mindset, many unaware of their biological clock.
@@houseofhas9355This is why I argue that remote work is a huge liberator for not only single men but fathers too.
😢
@@houseofhas9355 What’s even worse is the lies women are told about motherhood to scare them away. I was born in this generation of being sold this horror story that your stomach will explode a la the Alien movies like a parasite. That the pain would be incalculable, that no one would help me, that I would bloat like a balloon, that I would bleed out in the process. Mostly sold these lies by pro-choice women who wanted to justify abortion for women. But they rarely tell you how much technology and medicine has made the birth process nigh painless if you’re paying any attention. Like I got an Epidural and my daughters birth felt more like a big poop than his excruciating pain women complain about. And you can always plan for an epidural and induction for your pregnancy. On top of the fact that I was put on Medicare coming in uninsured and don’t have to pay a dime for any of the services used. It’s not this Uber scary, painful, expensive, unmanageable situation feminism has painted it out to be. The first few months are pretty draining but unless you absolutely have no friends or family to support you during maternity leave, it’s a very natural and manageable situation that just takes a little support. Hell, there are even women who give birth and go back to work the same day. Because it’s not this horror story young girls are told.
Same thing for fatherhood, young boys, especially in poor communities get told that being a father will severely limit their success and that being a dad will only slow them down and prevent them from getting their dreams. So when young men get women pregnant, they bounce as fast as possible to avoid being anchored by a woman and baby. Because we are telling young people that they can’t be parents and successful. That if you get pregnant at 16,15,18…It’s the end of the world. Instead of encouraging these young people to do their best no matter what, it’s get rid of the problem and live the better modern life of being a hyper successful business person.
My dad did something similar - when I was a child he worked long hours. He finally retired when my brother and sister in law went back to work/uni so he could be the main carer for my niece.
I had a high earning breadwinner mom and a stay-at-home dad who even homeschooled me. I loved it. A consistent parent is important like you said, it can be the dad or the mom.
Are your parents still together?
@@thorbeorn4295 yes, 30 years strong.
@@c.c.l.9139 surprised by that ngl. But okay good for them.
divorce is honestly like *Top 3 Worst Things You Can Do To Your Child* if not #1 bruv.....I'm with ya there ❤
that's probably my future as well
I don't feel empowered by not having kids, I literally just chose not to do it because it's not something I want. Nothing more, nothing less. People who say they do it to feel "empowered" are weird. Having kids should be a something you do or don't do because it's something that's right for you, not a F U to the world.
Edit to add that my husband also doesn't want kids and we made sure we both were on the same page before we got married.
I suspect the people that claim that it’s “empowering” to shout it out are very anti-Natalistic.
@@Locke350 most likely. I hate that the anti -natalist and the childfree people get lumped together cause they aren't the same. Childfree means "I don't want kids" vs Ant Natalist which means "I want no one to have kids".
I see nothing wrong with women feeling empowered by not having children. I am not going to shame anyone for feeling empowered.
What use are you?
@@lisah8438 If you feel empowered by something such as not having kids then there’s something very wrong. Certain choices have nothing to do with empowerment. You just do them or don’t. Reminds me of the lady who said the most empowering thing she did was get an abortion. She also got a tattoo on her lip that said “abortion”. Clearly she wasn’t empowered so much as she was coping, but labeling it “empowerment”.
We can have it all we just can’t have it all at once.
Yes, I was going to say this!
Good point
Good point
try again bruv 😂 ❤
That was beautifully put, if I may say, even if I don't FULLY agree
Dad guilt is very real, men just don’t express it. I speak with military men about having to leave their children and they tell me how excruciating it is leaving their children for deployment. Especially special Operations, they know the worst could happen. Men are just better at masking their emotions.
That’s why I won’t date a man in the armed forces
Thank you! Yes let’s not forget our Military personnel, First Responders, Police officers! This is so true.
Exactly
The fact that your kids look at you like a stranger that loved them from afar sucks.
When you try to bond, they are just a bit too old and have the world to focus on as young adults
A hobby keeps such a dad alive
That's why i make sure my child knows deeply repeatedly that daddy is not here so we can have food and shelter etc... he works hard for us. As mothers, we have to let our kids know and value the hardship their dad does, so when hes home they appreciate him and shower him with love and affection not alienating him just because they dont see him.
@@geget988 Amen ♥
I'm a woman who chose to be a SAHM and have no interest in a money earning career. The amount of side eyes and comments I get on the regular from anyone under the age of 50 is astounding, because I just end up wondering if they WANT me to be as stressed as them trying to do everything all at once. It's okay to do one thing at a time! I choose motherhood now and may pursue a career later if I feel like it. My husband has a strong need to feel needed in a household structure because of an absent father his whole life, so I feel like this is a gift I can give him as well as myself. Idk. I just feel like putting the things that are easier when younger after the things that are easier when older (specifically for myself as a woman with no 'career plan' because rhe things I would want to do do not make much money) is a kind of cart-horse scenario, but if any ladies can and want to do it that way then all the power to them! 😁
You didn't just 'choose' though - your situation (being a SAHM) is simply not possible for many, many, many (even most) mothers. But I'm genuinely glad it works for you, and is possible - and also nobody should 'side eye' you for it.
Hopefully your husband never cheats, leaves you, start to abuse or your kids or just suffer a accident that let him disable or just die.
absolutely. people nowadays think that freedom means to be independent, but freedom means to be either independent or not depending on what you want, thats what being free is. ironic that so many people are TRAPPED in the supposedly FREE side of things
I'm a man and I was almost crushed dropping my son off at day care for weeks/months. I think fathers don't have the same level of guilt as mothers because we have never been told that "we can have everything." Men know everything has a trade-off and are willing to accept shit in one area of life because that is just how it has to be.
Men know deep down. Providing for that child is more important than the emotional little moments that day. Like your said trade off.
@@houseofhas9355 Except historically women are the one who stayed home to tend to the children with no autonomy. She literally traded her life for her children and husband.
men probably don't feel as much guilt, because they have never been *expected* to fulfill both roles. women have to work under the pressure of their own internal biological clock, as well as traditionally being the primary caregiver to their children, *and* somehow weaving a career through it all, because we're independent and that's "success".
in my experience, i felt betrayed by society, because it has been conveyed to us as being not only possible, but the height of our capabilities to do both - when in reality society falls woefully short of financially and practically supporting women to be able to - so we feel guilt like it's a personal failure, when in fact we've been set up from the start.
@@imathumb Women weren't expected to fill both roles until fairly recently. You can thank feminism for that. OP is correct, we know there's a trade off to everything. We've never been told we can "have it all".
most men are lazy af
My mom started as an accountant at a hospital and by the time I was in highschool she was CEO of another hospital. My dad worked full time as an engineer but took on a lot of the traditionally female roles like getting us to and from places during the week, making dinner, and grocery shopping. I am one of four kids. While I love my parents and know they did the best they could to make it possible for us to participate in sports and other extra curriculars. This meant though that my parents were never at any game, practice, school event because they were usually working or taking care of a sibling. I excelled in school and had an interest in medicine but knew that I wanted better work life balance because I wanted to be more involved in my kids life than my mom was. I'm an engineer working remotely and pregnant with my first. Even with the flexibility I have with my current job I feel like I'll still be so unavailable.
That’s ridiculous. You had a great life. Get over yourself. And traditionally female roles 🙄🙄🙄 what an embarassing perspective for you to have.
You’re also lucky because tech layoffs have been happening massively. Also coding is so damn difficult. I feel like you’ll be a good parent and figure it out
The fact that you’re already trying to prioritize this is wonderful! Even coming to this realization about wanting to be better than your parents is so admirable. You’ll find the perfect mix eventually.
@singlebulb no, she's planned her life in a way where she can and will ba available. But she feels that even with that planning and extra time, she feels like she still isn't going to be as present as she'd like. So she's going to be present.
I love this comment section. I love to see support ❤ reading this gives me hope for my own situation. Inspiring ✨
I love how disappointed you look in your video thumbnails
It reminds me of my parents
😂😂😂
husband/partner is also very important. my mother was a career woman, she LOVED her job. i am so glad that my father is very supportive, never felt inferior even though my mom had a better career, he even brag to this day that she had a higher salary than him haha 😭. they work together very amazingly that we never felt my mom’s absence as a child.
I’m glad you had parents that worked well in that situation. From my understanding, it’s not so much the man feeling “inferior” but rather the woman feeling superior because she is earning more money than him. Yes I admit some men feel insecure if they make less money than their partners but women typically want a man who makes more money than her because of hypergamy. It’s a difficult thing to balance.
Add on top of this a third category- be an attractive woman. Don’t just have a successful career and a dedicated mother- look like a model, too. That’s another pursuit that takes a TON of time.
This is sometimes impossible without surgery
Beauty maintenance is very expensive
Exactly! It takes TIME to workout everyday and plan your eating so as to maintain a perfect figure!
True. Exercise, healthy diet, eventually also facials, hair, nails etc.
I’m not a mom and even for me I’m overwhelmed sometimes. It takes a lot of work & money to be considered attractive nowadays.
this is so true. so much expectations
Only about 2% of people have "careers". The rest of us have jobs that we would not do if we were not paid for it.
facts.
77% of all statistics on the internet are actually incorrect
Which is why feminism ruined the lives of women. Instead of keeping the status quo where only a minority of women were business owners through their own personal ambition or from being heirs to companies, now every woman is expected to get her butt out and work or she isn’t “independent” and therefore can’t escape a bad situation. But then we need to fund women’s shelters because women have a hard time getting out of a bad situation regardless??? Us women have so many safety nets that it’s really hard to understand why any woman would bother working if not for the lie we are told about careers. The elites have careers. Women have jobs and jobs suck. Why anyone would choose a job over her children, I have no idea…
Truth
@@MrGabox345 may be they don't pay you enough because you "do the absolute bare minimum"? Have you ever considered that possibility?
We can have it all just not at the same time. Women need to understand this and don't belittle each other for it. Also, if you want to stay home stay home, provided you can afford it. That is between you and your spouse. You can be successful being a stay at home parent. Raising kids and taking care of the home, finances is hard work. Women in the work place, coming home to care for kids and home does have it harder. Plus you have the guilt of being away from your kids. SAHP don't tell me you work just as hard because I have done both. As much as we say men "help" around with childcare and house most times that is not true.
I told a woman. You can get a master and PH'D when you're married. And she called me an "ant- woman man" I was shocked because so many women who go to college at an older age, actually graduate with more support and less debt. The modern young woman is so brainwashed I don't think there is a way to fix this. You're absolutely right. You can have it all, but one at a time.
@@houseofhas9355I just bring up Kristi Noem as the best example of being able to have a family and have a successful career for a woman.
@@houseofhas9355 I don't think it's wrong for a woman to pursue a career. I think you were wrong to say that. Do you tell a man the same thing? I bet you don't but who knows other than you.
Not everyone wants to have a family and not everyone wants to be married. I think it's her choice and she is not a bad person. Everyone has to deal with consequences of what they choose in life and telling someone they can't do something because of their biology is distasteful.
@@TheOMGRamen jobless men don't get married. 9f course you wouldn't tell a man that
@@TheOMGRamen men have been learning to this slowly. I’m in my thirties and my generation of men are doing there best to balance work and time with their families. The younger ones are better. It’s ignored though because what’s talked about are the sins of our fathers and grandfathers. 💁🏽♂️
Ironically it’s women who’s having problems through their own culture finding balance in their lives.
We’ve been listening for a long time.
Finally got time to watch this and happy I did. I am a mother. I knew when I was young that all I wanted to be was a mother. I prioritized finding a husband. I was married at 24 had my first child at 25. I am now 35 and only started a career 2 years ago after being a stay at home mom with my kids for the beginning of their lives. I am very happy with how I chose to go about that.
That's the way u should do it, you can always pursue a career but there's a time limit on when you can have kids. Even if you are able to have kids at 35 or 40, do you really want to be chasing after children in your late 40s/early 50s?
@@ItsOKtobeNormal Some women can do it, and some can't. I know a lot of "older" mums who are in great shape, and have looked after themselves, and younger ones who have health issues. There's no one size fits all. There are different challenges each way. The question is which set challenges do you want?
Father of 4 here and retired Army. I look back at all I missed while my boys were going up. I spent 25 years doing one thing. Deploying, training, and working late often. I missed gigantic chunks of their lives and I sometimes feel ashame. But they truly respected my sacrifice and all I can do is make sure I’m here for them.
My mother got really sick when I was younger. My father had to take on alot of responsibilites that she was doing. Helping me and my sibling with school ( we were homeschooled ) Going to the goccery store, cleaning the house, making doctors appointments, taking care of my sick mother. All the while trying to work a 9-5. My mother was a stay at home mother but she became unable for a couple of years due to illness. My father took care of the family the way she had and everyone saw a new appreciation for both of them.
Now THAT is a really great partner. And I know it was hard on both of them
Oh man that’s rough. I’m glad y’all got through that, your family sounds badass
I got my bachelors degree, and then I got my Masters degree. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the same day I found out I was accepted into a new work position (very physical labor.) I quit and became a stay at home mom for 4 years and don’t regret it one bit. She is worth everything.
EDIT: I am now a single mother who works full time. Would I go back and change being a stay at home mom? No. The benefits to my daughter were huge. Although ladies, always make sure to have some money in your own bank account….you never know.
What happened with dad?
Did you rack up student debt then expect a man to pay it off for you ? I hope you had a rather impressive scholarship/grant package …
@@ez6888 zero student debt. I came into the marriage with zero debt and a paid off car. I am lucky I know.
@@monicamiller9345 Blessed. I hope things work out and you can help pass that blessing down to your kid one day
I'm 30 and quit the IT industry to become a housewife, which shocked my peers but I gotta admit I am much happier and our marriage has gotten better since I'm always at home, not having constant mental breakdowns on pushing to work more than 10hrs a day and feeling generally miserable. I am also lucky that my husband supports me in any way he can especially financially (I'm an introverted homebuddy so I guess my wants and expenses aren't that much?). We are now shifting our goals to have a child (I'm aware of the privilege that we have to afford such plans) and I hope my fertility will still be okay.
Praying for you to have the children you and your husband desire. ❤️
@MOUNTAIN-HEIR It's not fear mongering. It's a biological reality. You think all these women having difficulty to conceive at 30+ and health risks for the child and mother are just faking it? Your mom having you at 40 is one of the lucky few. It's just like those people who smoke everyday saying "well look at me, I smoked everyday and never had lung cancer or breathing problems" but we know the devastating effects of smoking.
@@alexl8445 a couple of years ago i was working in childcare, children were 3yrs and under.. more than half of those mothers were 35+.... i worked there for several years and witnessed mostly women who were "old" by traditional standards having children. Guess what??? They didn't die! Their children were not unhealthy! It don't care what sick lie your believing (made up by men) but there are plenty of women in older age (aka not mentally still children themselves) that can give birth to healthy babies.. it is not the lucky few!! Yes, there are women who have trouble conceiving down the road im not denying that. But goodness, lets stop acting like this is true for every woman when it is clearly not.
I could never do that
I need to get out of my house and contribute somehow. But good for you.
Why the hell are you worried at 30 about being fertile. That is still young. You are not 37. Take what God can give you. You will have a baby when you are meant to have a baby.
I have to say, as much as I respect your opinion, it is very easy to say “find your partner in your 20’s” and then get set in your career.
I have had to work very hard in my industry (which is particularly competitive for women) and had a long term partner for most of my 20’s, we owned a home, ect, so I didn’t do too badly balancing love and a career.
I was under the impression that my ex and I were going to get married and then when I was 29 he abruptly ended things.
Since then, I have been single not by choice.
I say all this not for a pity party, or to rake up old coals over a previous relationship, but that it can be very hurtful and demoralising for people like me, who did everything they could to facilitate the relationship of long term commitment in their 20’s only to be left high and dry.
It isn’t fun being single in your 30’s and it wasn’t by choice.
(Edit) I am of course not saying “don’t try” and “just give” up to people in the same place as me.
If it is something you still want, as long as you are in a good place to keep trying- go for it!
I just think that it is easy to chalk up a single person in their 30’s to them having been neglectful or having a lack of foresight for the future.
Actually, it might not have been for those reasons at all and it could very easily happen to anyone in a long term relationship, regardless of age. S x
I'm sorry that happened to you, but that's not everyone's experience and doesn't justify not trying. Not trying will definitely guarantee no success.
Yea, women fail to realize how unreliable most men actually are
@@lucyhuiii I don’t think she’s saying not to try? I feel as if people are so very quick to say “Just settle with someone in your 20’s” like it’s a magic bullet or like people don’t do that already. Plenty of people have relationships in their 20’s, problem is, staying in the relationship requires another person agreeing to stay in it, and you can’t control other people.
Being intentional is good, thinking long term is good, people should always try to make the life they want, but when it comes to relationships, you can make all the plans you want, but you can’t make anyone stay with you, so you should always put the most effort into the things you can control.
Nothing makes you feel more disempowered than thinking you have to wait on the saving grace of some dude to hand you your life’s happiness and goals.
Hi @@lucyhuiii, maybe I didn’t make my point very clear.
I am definitely not saying don’t try!
I am saying, that you can do everything in your 20’s with the goal and intentions to find and end up in a long term relationship, only to find it doesn’t work out.
Of course still keep trying in your 30’s (if that is what someone wants to do), but I appreciate that it is harder at this stage in life and it wasn’t that I didn’t try very hard in my 20’s to avoid this exact situation.
I hope that makes my point clearer.
@@adrianbrrghs gosh, I wish I had articulated my original point as well as your comment! 😂
As someone who doesn’t desire to be a mother I’m always attacked, criticized and belittle. It has nothing to do with career. I just don’t have that maternal instinct nor I want the responsibility.
I’m married with no children and can work when is necessary or when I want to but my husband is also happy to support me (staying at home). It took me so long to reach a point where I have peace and am truly content with my life. No kids is the path I chose but I respect people who choose kids. Why can’t I receive the same respect and understanding?
Who is criticizing you ? Media and social media highly promote the child free lifestyle and seem to look down on women who want to have traditional families.
@@tsrocks2029 real life people I can care less about propaganda 😅
@@tsrocks2029 and yet I see the opposite I’m constantly being bombarbed on social media by content and ads surrounded around motherhood cause i’m in the 25-35 age group. Btw I don’t mind they all seem happy and great for them. But y’all think is only one side of the spectrum being criticized. I think women get criticized regardless even after being a mom they will go on and criticize your parenting style and so on…
I just want to be left alone and receive the same understanding and respect I give to others. I don’t want to listen how miserable my life will be when I’m old age and alone (like there’s no old people with kids left in homes).
@@hette457 What a clown! I don’t have it bad. I said I don’t want kids because my life is THAT GREAT and I don’t want the responsibility of being a mom 😂 I’m just saying childfree people get as criticized if not more than people with kids when both choices are great if people make them consciously.
@@hette457 The whole video is about motherhood, and here you are bringing world hunger and other terrible things (but unrelated). You wouldn't stop at nothing to feel like you're better than others, would you?
If you are a career woman that still wants to have a family, honestly, find yourself a house-husband (or at least a partner with more free time).
Like really, let's destigmatize house-husbands. I'm sure that there's a lot of family-minded men out there that wouldn't mind being the primary caregiver for their children. Also, fathers being more widely considered viable primary caregivers would probably ease up the stress of "finding a man in their tax brackets" for high-earning women ; because at this point, ability to provide would be a lesser part of a man's worth as a partner.
It’s amazing to me how little people realize this simple solution. It’s always either telling women to stop working and be a housewife or just putting kids in daycare. Neither solution is all that great because you’re either expecting someone change their life to accommodate you without any regard for themselves or making children grow up without a parent who is always there for them. House-husbands sound like the best solution for women who want to work but most people don’t even think of that because of the stigma.
House husband is emasculating and no man should agree to it
@@melvinslaughter7685 Plenty of traditionally masculine thing to do around the house.
i was gonna say, a lot of this problem was spelt out when she read the statistical differences between high earning men's partners and high earning women's partners. Women desire to break from their traditional gender roles and want to be able to work and have full careers but refuse to go the other way and stop holding men to their traditional roles, its hard to break societal norms when you still abide by half of them. obviously not saying all women think this way but just based on the numbers it seems that many of them do
That's a viable solution. Hardly any women will go for it though.
this was quite eye opening to be honest. there was never a point in life where having children was my goal and right now, in me early 20s a year into my relationship, that has solidified. i always thought that people (women, in particular) who are family oriented just have the "personality" for it and I genuinely believed that they can manage raising little humans AND their full time job just because that is what they wanted. i never realised that they actually are having a hard time because while yes, this is in fact what they want, the societal structure for that is actually missing. so thank you for this video, it's been quite informative.
aside from the aforementioned, i did have a moment of FOMO when you showed the statistics surrounding our fertility because i was like "wait what if i change my mind and it's too late?" but it just reminded me that this isn't what i really want. still very interesting though. i know quite a few women who gave birth in their 40s but i guess those were some of the lucky ones.
as someone who was like you in my early 20's, I was always saying that I didn't want kids.., now I'm in my late 20's and hormones kicked in.. people underestimate how much hormones determine our behavior, I notice myself thinking now that I do want kids.. but as I'm not in a solid relationship, that brings immense pressure to find someone to click with that wants the same thing
so long as you are not in menopause you can still have a kid
You can have kids at any age as long as you have eggs but the health risks for you and the child may increase with age
@@carolinpurayidom4570 theoretically you can but getting pregnant is much harder and that is something no one talks about. I also know women who had babies in their 40s and not a single one of those women fell pregnant without fertility treatment. The pregnancies themselves were all high risk and difficult. I do understand that younger women do have difficult pregnancies as well but the likelihood is far less for them. To believe that women can have babies in 40s with no issues is very naive.
@@arip3363 it is also not the greatest for the children either in my opinion. Not only do you have increased risks for your baby and yourself, the baby also has a higher chance of losing you when they are relatively young
But again, just my opinion. If I will get kids, I will try to keep myself to before 35, after that i see my chance as passed (which is the exact reason discussed in the video that most people make no real decision and loose against time)
It’s very damned/criticized no matter what success looks like to you. Like I once heard “Being a woman is being told ‘do this, but not like that, but not like that…’ and no stops saying but not like that.”
Kenice Mobley quote btw.
"OH Baby" is a great Koren show centered around this topic. The main plot focuses on a career women in her late 30s trying to get pregnant after her obgyn informs her of declining fertility. Then through side characters they look at all the choices women make trying to balance family and career. I found it really interesting since western media doesn't cover this topic in depth despite it being such a big part of so many people's lives.
hmm you're right. i have not seen any american or british tv shows on netflix that deals with that topic.
I think it’s mostly in Korea. They are facing a crisis with people, not wanting to have children. And this can be seen as maybe a way to try to encourage people to have children earlier.
Yeah, women's fertility declines by their mid-30s. I'm not saying women shouldn't focus on their careers and explore their options, but they really need to be aware of declining fertility. Men also, men's fertility declines with age too.
Lots of women and men don't want children ever, and that is totally fine. But if you are, then you need to know your options. The older you get, the more doors close. Even if a man were interested in being a father at older age, he still has less options too. Not many young women in their 20s are interested in marrying or having children with a man in this mid to late thirties when there are men their age out there who are interested.
I love that show! I have yet to finish it but I absolutely love the cast
I've seen plenty deep coverage in Dutch media. Let's not pretend all 'western media' are the same.
In this economic climate, for most people, it is almost impossible for the household to solely rely on husband's income. But in effort just to live, the mother risk alienating their children. This is just lose-lose situation.
Almost like we are not meant to live in expensive cities.
@@houseofhas9355 emphasis on expensive
It's not so bad in smaller towns.
@@houseofhas9355 technically the increase in income in “expensive cities” usually evens out to the point where it just looks like it’s more expensive but it’s literally the same situation lol. For example in New York you might pay 4K a month for an apartment but you make 7k a month vs paying 2k for an apartment in a Florida suburb but you make 3.5k a month. Although you might pay extras for like taxes and other state regulations but if you really think it kinda evens out. That isn’t everyone’s situation though.
You can live in the rural parts of this country for dirt cheap. This obsession with keeping up with the Joneses puts many families in poverty.
In Iceland in the eighties - young mothers were ensured kindergarten for their children, cheap loans for university degrees or other types of education. This made it possible that women when they were 30 could have a few children, finalised their education amd a carrier.
Leiðinlegt hversu erfitt það er fyrir foreldra að koma krökkunum sínum í leikskóla núna.
if only it was this easy.. I'm 28 now and I've been trying to find a partner most of my life. It's not easy being single when you really want a partner next to you
I’m turning 27 this year and I 100% get you. I wish people wouldn’t judge us and say that we’re not trying. It’s really hard to find a partner :(
Stop trying to find someone, live your life and the right person will pop up at some point
It's only hard if you make it hard. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe you set the standard too high? I'm not telling you lower it, and you shouldn't get into relationship out of pressure, not a real connection. There's nothing wrong with having a high standard, just be aware that means most men won't be able to meet it.
@@excalibro8365 They have to want you first. Even if you lower your standards most people you like after that haven't. Its a cycle.
😅 I'm turning 33 this year and I don't have kids or a husband, because I'm lazy!!! I don't have anything against men and I don't have anything against children but personaly, I don't see myself showing up as a wife and mom everyday!
Of cause, I could just hire a nanny but I also have issues delegating work. As much as I'm lazy, I still do my own house chores and cooking cause I can't delegate the work to a maid.
I've been lazy since I was a kid, it drove my family crazy! Right now, I've built my life around my laziness. I have my own company, work from home and spend an average of 3 working days a week. I make enough to travel and I'm currently building my own house. It works for me and I'm happy. I've embraced my laziness and I live a stress free life. By 40, hopefully, I'll be retired and I cant wait. 😁😁
Keep going ^^
Since that’s what you want, it sound great. Good job!
You say that now. But loneliness will be there to humble you. Remember anti-depression drugs may or may not have other health consequences. I think removing your DNA from the gene pool is also another way to win the Darwin award.
@@houseofhas9355 shut up
@@houseofhas9355 thoughtful people can't get lonely.
I’m so happy I managed to start my family early. I had my first kid at 23. And it was great. I worked before that… So with my kid I actually got to sleep enough. I went back to work when he was 2. As a freelancer. Now he’s almost 10 and his sister is 6. I struggle with all of my roles. I’d like to work less. But my work is essential to me as well. So I’m trying to balance.
I got my two children when I was 18 and 21. I am 25 now. I stayed home with them until they were 15 months. I studied until age 25, now, and they are now age 7 and 4. So they went to kindergarten and pre school while I was a student, so I was always very flexible. Now one is in school and one in pre school and I am done with my studies and now working as a nurse, but working 32 hours gives me more flexibility, often working 4 days a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I love what I do, earning my own money, doing something I like and developing myself. I still feel like I have time with my kids, like today when I got off at 3 pm we played, went for a bike ride outside, read, did home work, cooked together. When they went to sleep (my partner put them to bed) I went to the gym, and now I am chilling before I have to sleep. I feel like I have time to work, kids, myself, hobbies, friends/fam. Occasionally I go out. I have travelled lot of places abroad as well with the kids.
Ofc not to say it is easy or my life is perfect, far from lol i am also a mess sometimes and I also have the mom guilt at times etc.
But I feel like you dont have to choose and life doesn’t end with kids, they are a part of life. My mom also worked when I was a child (32 hours), looking back at my childhood I remember my mom being there and me spending a lot of time with her. My dad worked 37 hours. We also often saw my grandparents.
I just think if a woman wants to work let her and if she wants to be a sahm let it, it is all about free choice and what works for her and her family if she wishes to create one. All these rules and shoulds becomes a bit much sometimes.
You don’t have to choose if you have a solid partner! That is the difference that isn’t discussed in this video, however the conversation isn’t about that exactly
I think there are seasons when you can have it all. Right now I’m a stay at home wife because I have young kids, but eventually I will gradually transition back to work as needed, but ultimately my family comes first and I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids. Side note, I live in Hungary 😂
Have you heard about Kristi Noem? She had kids earlier and then became a successful governor in South Dakota, and before that she helped run her family ranch.
I will check her out thank you !
Adoption is a thing for a reason. The societal concept that the only child worth having is one that carries your own DNA is a large impact to this viewpoint and whether or not "having it all" is obtainable. However, the adoption process is also incredibly difficult, so even then, the outcome would still be similar.
Yeah because adoption is easy and not expensive 🙄
I hear you, but i belive there's a lot stronger biological incentive and biology based instincts that make bio children more appealing. Calling it a societal concept comes off as disingenuous.
@@PROJEDDY people believe everything is a social construct nowadays. Children who are raised by their biological parents are far less likely to be abused so I agree there is a biological favor towards biological children
@@MrGabox345 I did say the adoption process is incredibly difficult so I do agree with you. My main point was that you can have children that don’t rely on your fertility since that’s primarily what the video talked about.
@@PROJEDDY pretty sure the only reason why it’s biologically hardwired in us that we want children from ourselves is due to survival of the fittest and continuation of the species. Since this is no longer a necessity people are basically just into biological kids for the sex aspect of it
I am 31 and my partner is 29 and the only reason why we are still not marrief with children is that we cannot afford it (for now) I know my biological clock is ticking BUT cannot yield a child who I can't provide good life and be not a hurdle from their dreams.
I have seen many MANY parents haggle with their children on which university or course they should study because they cannot afford it.. and worse.. haggle that they cannot go to college and work instead so they can send their own younger sibling to college. It breaks my heart.
My partner and I has no support from our parents. My dad already retired from his lower than min wage job and my partner's narcissistic mom “retired” when he was just 17 who kept degrading him for not being successful and having a low paying job ................
Our goal now is to aim to be comfortable stable. If we can't then we are actually considering not having a child. Don't get me wrong.. we wanted to be parents.. but we can't add more suffering to someone who did not ask for it.
2:49 THIS! Thank you!
Confucius - 'The one (man) who chases two rabbits, catches neither.'
It is f***ing hard. I feel ashamed if I'm not working harder at my job, i feel ashamed I'm not being a better parent, I feel ashamed I'm not keeping the house clean enough, I feel ashamed I'm neglecting my marriage, I feel ashamed I'm neglecting myself. You can't really win in this way of life. But I am grateful and happy ❤
Imagine the reaction if it had been MEN forcing women into the labor force in the 1960s!
But women put millions of other women to work, and now you are trapped. This is called "Women's LIBERATION."
@@dinosaur___7209 women seem to have more rights than they can handle these days.
Would it be too much to ask for everyone to just allow other people to live their lives without shame or guilt? If a woman (or man) does not want children, let them have their career. If a woman (or man) want to be stay-at-home mothers (or fathers) let them do that.
Part of the problem with the "I want it all" mentality is simply that the person only "wants" one of the options -- the other side is often a part of social/peer pressure.
Yes..exactly
Also, people need to learn not to listen/care too much about what society or close relatives think. It's your (the couple) life and your (the couple) choice. My husband is definitely more the nurturer than I am . Love my kids, but I am not super motherly type. My husband and I agreed when to have kids and who would spent time more at work/home. As I make more money than him, it makes more sense for him to work less hours and be with the children more. We'd been married 25 years and we both happy with the decision we made. Our kids grew up happy, independent and successful. Now my husband retired...he can't wait for grandchildren to spoil - LOL
Thank you!! Yes 🙌🏼
We live in civilization. It’s a project of collaborative efforts. Ppl need to understand chaos, and do as thou whilst, breaks civilization. Standards need to be known and kept. Ofcourse they don’t need absolute rigidity but the standard should be expressed and well known throughout the society. Social pressure exist NATURALLY for a reason. Stop taking advantage of the grace of a free society.. otherwise it will quickly become not so free.
@@ez6888 we must live up to everyone's expectations or we are failures
If you can't do this you are lazy
Man Patience, what a great video. I had a high earner mom and a working dad, and I think it caused problems. My parents had problems before this, but my mom’s job definitely took a lot of her time. My dad would get mad that she wasn’t spending enough time with us and fights started to happen when I was a kid. I think my dad was insecure about making less money then my mom, but my mom started to focus more on her job and it the tension snapped in my second year of college. My parents got divorced, but I think if you just try and love your kid they’ll understand. Make time for them and don’t let your career consume you.
I have two older sisters. My eldest is very career driven and not interested in having kids. She and her partner are perfectly happy with fur babies. My other sister already has a child and she loves him but she did it too early and hasn’t matured enough for a kid yet . Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to be successful with getting a job since. And I know I wouldn’t be a good human parent, I don’t have the patience for it. I think having kids is great but I wouldn’t be a good parent. My nan says if I don’t then I’m being selfish. She thinks all women should have children or it’s selfish. I disagree, I think if you have kids that you aren’t ready for or can’t offer a good home to then that’s more selfish. I think to have kids you should be ready to love them and ready to support them both financially and emotionally.
The issue I find is people never see themselves as a part of the average or as a statistic, they hear the income average and assume they make more, they hear the divorce rate and assume it won’t be them, they see the unmarried rate and I’m sure you get the gist. I find unless you have a plan and your putting in the work your gonna end up as one of those statistics. People with successful careers and or relationships put in work and often planned it out if you talk to them, I’m sure you can find the expectation to the rule, but betting you’ll be that exception is not a game I’d play.
My wife and I married at 26. We both wanted her to be a stah. Living very simply and putting all extra money into our house and making certain decisions, (moving to another state), we were able to become debt free by the time we were 33. I have sacrificed alot of time with my kids, but, I'm sending them through college without any debt. Being raised, or not raised, by a single mother. I didn't want that for my kids. My wife has no regrets not having a career. Now that the kids are older she has free time to pursue her interest. I'm working for retirement and looking forward to grandkids. I wouldn't trade our lives with anyone.
This was an interesting topic. I'm a stay at home mum and I constantly feel guilty and wonder if I'm a good enough mother. I can't imagine going to work on top of that. Mothers who work and come home to take care of their kids at the end of the day are really amazing. All mothers are amazing!
>
Usually they are short changing both their job and their family. Or going nuts with overwork.
What really guts me is how necessary it has become for both parents to work. Honestly having the choice to be a full-time parent, for men or women is a rare privilege these days. My wife would love to have been full-time mom and housewife. Since it would be joyful for her, I'd be happy with that choice. But we literally can't afford it. We live in tiny home that is already too small for us, our daughter, and my sister-in-law who lives with us and cares for our daughter while we're at work. If we didn't have her, in our lives, if this situation wasn't ideal for her, we'd have to live in an even smaller place, and we'd have even less time with our daughter, because we can't really afford childcare. There's just no way that we could make things work on my salary alone, and our situation is hardly rare. I'm a skilled worker too. You can't just _get_ my job. You have to have a license and on top of that, I've been promoted twice. Despite that, with housing costs as they are, we'll both likely be working well into our 60s or older.
That’s what happens when the supply of labor blows up from women entering the workforce in mass and the huge baby booms that happened after the WWs and during the sexual Revolution onward. The labor force damn near tripled and you expect the economic system to still be able to supply each individual person with the funds to run a family. It was a delicate balance that free sex and feminism broke, and now we are suffering through the consequences.
The older generation loves to talk about how they were able to start and take care of a family 28 kids while on a janitor salary and bought their house for 2 blueberries and an half eaten pancake.. all by the age of 12. But they forget to mention have they ruin that for every generation after them while they criticize there 28 yr old son/daughter for failing to establish themselves in a similar way.
@@ez6888definitely agree, boomers are hands down the worst generation. Even worse than generation z in my opinion because at least gen z knows they sucks.
My mom had me when she was changing her career (in her early 20's), and while she was doing her second, she had my brother. By the time that I was 7 yo, she graduated and then started to work and that was her life until she took the option, when I was in my early teens, to just stay at home to keep the house working, to be with us and make sure that we have all that we need. She told me that she felt like she couldn't keep both aspects of her life (work and motherhood) so she choose the one where she felt that her presence was needed the most.
I wish there were more structures in modern society that made it easier for serious people to court and date for marriage. There seems to be many people who want to marry and they have a hard time finding someone or finding a place to look. Im so greatful I met my husband at a young age but it makes me sad many people in my generation still aren't married and probably never will be. I think a huge reason for this is society started looking down on marriage, promoting promiscuity as "empowering", and there's no space for people to even look for a serious partner. I hope things change because I don't think that many people are happy with the way things are.
I agree! Everyone is just like “oh just screw around, have multiple flings or partners, settling down is for boring people”
I’m 27 and I’m pretty old fashioned in the sense I just think everyone should be able to find the one & settle down
I have always known that, when I get married and have kids, I will be a SAHM. I've always wanted kids and loved the idea of taking care of the household and family. I'm 23 but not married yet, so I'm currently studying to get into tech. It's not my passion and I don't really love it, but it's a field that will make me good money until I have kids. Plus, once I have my degree, it will (hopefully) be easier to get back into the workforce when I decide to.
Hey I’m also trying to get in to tech as a front end developer. Just curious, what are you looking into doing?
Depends on the woman. I'm Asian and some women in my parent's generation have professional careers and a good family. It all relies on two things: hard work and not quitting at the first sign of trouble (divorce)
Thank you so much for making this video! As a a full-time employee, full-time mom, and aspiring author, I feel ALLLLL the mom guilt. It's really hard to explain what it's like to simultaneously be very ambitious and want to put your kids first. You're always so thorough, and I loved this take on this issue. I'm 25 and have 2 kids, and I've learned that I have to let my ambitions slide to the back burner a little bit right now and be okay with my career taking off a little slower than I originally though. I have the rest of my life to build my career, but only a few years to enjoy my babies being babies. This might look different to everyone, but that perspective has helped me feel less guilt and enjoy life more, while still getting the things I NEED to get done done.
As a man who's looking forward to having a large family, it's hard to find a woman who wants that while she still has the capacity to do so.
What's your race?
…I mean yeah lol. Having children is not easy or cheap, especially today. Best of luck though, hope you find your person.
@@labelmeposh Indian Australian. A product of two very different cultures.
Most young women these days are not rushing into marriages. They have spent most of their early 20's getting an expensive education and have debts to repay. Plus they want to live a bit without being tied down with husband and kids. They want to establish themselves in a career/job and with their finances. Most of them were told you can have it all, do it all and be anything you want to be. Yeah, no wonder it's harder finding a mate.
@@annhans3535 And they're correct for doing these things. That's what I'll do also. Education and power are more important than men.
My wife and I did exactly what you said around the 23 minute mark. We met when she was early 20s and I was mid. She had already started a career and I was fresh out of the navy and had no idea what I wanted to do. She supported me through college as she built her career...I graduated from college and started a career, we had two kids, and we both built our careers. She is much more career driven then me so I support her and have a much less taxing, time consuming job and am the much more "present" parent. It works for us. We both have some guilt about not falling into the gender norms in this regard but we've built a very strong relationship and family...starting and establishing things early on helped for sure.
We only have so much time. Sacrifices have to be made according to what you decide to prioritize. Also each person will have a certain level of career growth or family time/dedication that they find appropriate. If you can find a situation or scenario that fits your desired outcome then that is great, but to find such a specific scenario leaves one with a narrowed pool of opportunities through which to pursue it. Not impossible, but limiting. I think the issue is with having expectations of wanting to be a very dedicated mother while also wanting to have a successful career that is also incredibly demanding. You cannot have both equally. There will inevitably be give and take somewhere. If you can find a partner willing to sacrifice some, so you can give the necessary time to dedicate to more to your career then that's great, but limits your dating pool. The reason men don't get as much flack is because society expects them to sacrifice more in the familial department in order to work. What about men who would challenge their societal expectation of needing to be a hard working caregiving for wanting to be more familial? Men looking for this would find their dating pool limited as well. A conversation for another time perhaps.
My sister had to freeze her eggs to have her second daughter and only 4 eggs survived and it was 10s of thousands of dollars for her and her doctor appointments. Thankfully she was able to deliver the baby and she is currently 16 months old.
Meanwhile I’m currently trying for my second baby as well as trying to start my career up at 25 and while stressful, I’m glad that I at least started my family with my son and husband before starting my schooling for my career due to fertility problems that I have and being extremely high risk for pregnancy.
Though I personally will put my family before my career because at the end of the day, my husband and children and extended family is more important than money could ever be. But I will also not judge those who have different values
I am 25 and always wanted to have children. But finding a boyfriend seams to be more difficult than anything else.
Yeah, you don't want to marry a narcissist and waste your life with them.
Either reduce your requirements or keep being single. It's all in your hands...
You need to find a husband and then have children. Don't have children outside of marriage it's unfair.
@@excalibro8365 some man wanna stay lazy or what?
Well honestly? You can have children in your own! It's gonna be harder but if you have one kid, adopted or through artificial insemination, it is totally possible! And worth it imo. Better than doing what many of our moms did and just picking a random loser to marry because "the biological clock is ticking" (this is fr). I also want kids and if I don't find the right person by 30, I'll probably have them on my own!
As a woman in her late 20s and very single 😅 and also has PCOS I’m painstakingly aware our short fertility window. My dream is to be a mom, but I also don’t leave my house other than to work and visit my family to meet a man. Maybe because of where I live, most men at my age; don’t want to be married and have kids. Because of my PCOS. I want to start having kids kinda immediately.
I had a coworker who is a art director for animation and we had a very honest conversation about having children and a career. While it’s a deeply personal opinion. She said if she could go back and spend more time with her kids she would. Because her relationship with her kids isn’t what both parties want and a bit strained.
Obviously, it’s up the woman and her choice. But I think we need to be genuinely honest with each other about the pros and cons. That way we have the most information to make our decision. Because if we don’t make one, time will make it for us. And we can’t get time back.
Those men exist. I promise you they do. They are just scared of having their reputation and freedom taken from them. Go out and do male majority activities and you will meet a man. But be aware of the times we live in. A man talking to a woman now a days has been painted as a creepy or criminal act. Most American women walk around with this mindset of talking to them in public is some how a bad thing.
Go up and ask him a random question. Most men will see what you're doing and take it from there.
@@houseofhas9355 thank you for the advice! I can understand the fear from the men’s side.
Many women with PCOS get pregnant in their 30s. I don't know why. But apparently they do.
Thanks for making this video! I 1000% agree with you! We have to stop telling woman they can do it all, we can’t… something will suffer… your relationship to your partner, your relationship with your child or yourself! I am a mother of 2 (one of which is disabled) and nobody told me that before … we have to open young woman’s eyes to reality! 👏
Loved this video. I’m in my late twenties and still single, have been living as an English teacher abroad 3 out of the 5 years since I graduated college, and while it has been a dream come true, I have had no success in finding a partner, despite a long-term dream of being a mom. I have been having to consider if I want to look for someone where I live now, thus seriously considering the possibility of setting down roots far from home, or wait a little and look intentionally back home, even if I am not sure where I want to live long-term. I love hearing about this topic as it is something often on my mind, and I love hearing others’ stories and perspectives, as well as hearing the simple “it’s normal to want to be a mom” in a Western culture that does so highly prize women who are career-driven and successful in a way that leaves motherhood behind.
You did it again Patience. Balanced, informative, entertaining. Quality.
Just one pushback. Dad's too feel guilt at missing large portions of their children's upbringings (at least I did). But we accept this as part of life and are less likely to express it. So its not like we don't feel it. Women moan more, that's all.
I agree always balanced and intelligent.
I am going to marry this summer and last week I was talking to with my colleague and I told her I want to have a baby. She looked at me with shook,keep asking me why? Don’t you love yourself? Etc. I don’t know I always want to be mother and my fiancé thinks the same too. I dont mind being mother. I have a college degree. I can find job again and my fiancé engineer too. We will be fine financially.I don’t understand when women judge other women with their decisions.
The title of the video judge women for their decisions.
That’s crazy that they think being a mother means you don’t love yourself. It’s very sad how continuing the population of the species is so frowned upon nowadays. I wish you the best of luck in your future marriage.
Some times if you look to beautiful then that’s why people look surprised that you are wanting to have a kid
"The work we do is important. The work you do is important. But at the end of the day someone else is gonna sit in this seat. I'm gonna leave. And the show will go on. But nobody else is gonna be my kid's mom. Nobody else is going to be my husband's wife. Or my parent's children. And I need to be fully present there. We all have these unique roles that only you can fill".
Wow, this is such a good way to put it. It's about prioritizing the roles in your life that are most important or most unique for you. Most people have jobs where they can easily be replaced. So why treat that as more important than the roles in your life that can't be?
I want children one day. I have a career but no partner yet. For me, it'll more important to fully be present in my role as a mom and wife, than it'll be to reach the heights of my profession. I know not everyone has the privilege to take a step back and spend more time at home though. I hope I will find my own sort of balance, whatever that looks like.
My mum stayed home for me and my siblings, she's the most amazing mum I can possibly imagine, and I've always known that I'm unwilling to put in the same dedication and love that she's given us her entire life. If I were to have children, I'd feel compelled to do it her way and live up to her standard. I would probably love those children with all my heart but they would ruin my life all the same.
Luckily, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to me. I've never had a desire to have kids.
The sad part is I was always fully aware of fertility dropping after 30, and did want to have kids before that age... but looks and personality didn't allow me to. No fertility issues, not carreer-driven, just my genes were not good enough for the next generation :(
Mind blowing stats. You’re right, we should know more about these stats on fertility and pregnancy - so much information is known by the scientific community but that knowledge isnt taught to us
You always upload at the perfect time!
Mom Guilt is real! Sometimes it seems like you just can't win no matter what you choose. Thank you for this video!
Five years ago I got fired by the General Manager (ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!) because I went to breakfast with a former employee whom the GM hated. I sent an email to the owner of the company explaining the situation. She reply to me that she was aware of some of the negative things the GM was doing to the employees but she didn't have the time to address it because she was stressed about things at home and also dealing with a new baby. Not once did she offer a solution just an excuse. Never did she rectify the situation just ignored it. One of her managers was mistreating several of her employees and she did nothing. While reading her pathetic email all I could think of was, "Lady....if you can't manage your career and your family then you need to give up one of them, because your failing at both." Her family life was suffering because she was trying to run a company and her employees were suffering because she was trying to raise a family. Some women can manage it but she couldn't.
That’s horrible. But maybe you were better off not working for people like that anyway!
Actually it’s a lot about being honest to yourself and asking for help. I know a lot of power couples where both work in successful careers in leadership roles, none of them get it done without help. Usually the grandparents and/or additional au pairs or something. 16:40
Absolutely on point! I'm one of those who waited too long so I can speak from experience. Also, I had a coworker who had two children and her husband was a SAHD. It worked so well for them, fit their dreams and personalities. So there is no one way to do this but as you said, be strategic. Thanks for another great video.
I want to add two things to the fertility section: it always is an option to have kids on your own, althought it may be VERY VERY difficult, but I feel like this option isn't as discussed as it should, and if you really want to have kids but can't get pregnant, you can always adopt, which I think we should normalize because I am amazed by the way adopted kids are still viewed as less than natural kids. Again, I know these two things are quite complicated, but I think it would be healthy and smart to start bringing them into the conversation. I already said this in another comment but in my country there is a great GREAT number of single mothers who raise their kids 100% on their own, some, like mine, even raise up to 3 kids alone. It's hard, but worth it
No matter what you do they'll always be someone who has a problem with your choice. Just do you. The critics aren't the ones putting clothes on your back, food on your table or a roof over your house, so you owe them nothing
"They don't seem to experience the same level of guilt." The operative word in the at sentence is 'seem'. We are taught from a very early age to hide our feelings, and we told from a very early age that our entire worth, as a man, is in our ability to provide. We experience the guilt. It's just that the guilt we would feel by stepping away from our income, in _choosing_ not to provide, is just as or even more intense. It doesn't feel like a real choice that we're allowed to make. But we're not necessarily blind. We can see how much our children want to spend time with us. We can see how much they need us. The torment is real. I think this is why suicides are disproportionately amongst older men. When we can't work anymore, we've lost our entire identity, but we've also lost the primary respite from the pain and guilt of having failed to be there for our children when they were young. We can see the impact of that, we can feel the distance that forms. Without the distraction of work, for many men, there is nowhere to turn but a warm gun. Sorry to sound so dire, but I've seen this play out.
I have felt very lucky to have had opportunities that have afforded me, much more time with my daughter than my father had with me. I'm also grateful that he gave me the gift of reframing manhood for me. As he got older, he started telling me that he'd do it differently, if he could have. He kind of made a point of telling me that he considers the time I spend with my daughter the manliest thing I do. It helps.
Finally! 🎉A content creator that can give an analysis of our current state with some historical insights. So refreshing 😊
Another fantastic video! I honestly struggle with the mum guilt constantly. I choose early on to give up my pursuit of my dream career to have a family and I was, and still am OK with that. I love my partner and our two kids, I wouldn't want it any other way. However, having kids is expensive and tbh just living is expensive! So ideally it is best for either both parents to have full time jobs or if you are lucky, Daddy have a high paying job. In our family Daddy is not in a high paying job so I feel pressure to not only support the family emotionally but financially too. So I ran a business from home, where I could choose my own hours, still be with the kids etc but in order to run a successful business, you need to put the work in, and this means less time for family and my "duties" as a mother and a partner. It is impossible to do it all, absolutely impossible. Well for me it is anyways. My partner can sit down and happily do as he wishes when he gets home from work, but my mind tells me, must focus on the kids, the house etc there is no time left for me.
Obviously I don't know what it is like to live in a man's world and of course I am bias being a woman, and I am not saying men don't also have their own struggles but God damn its hard being a woman. You need to be beautiful, a good mother, keep the house spotless, bring in money, we need to juggle so much and honestly it's bloody overwhelming.
"In a world filled with misery and uncertainty, it is great comfort to know that, in the end, there is light in the darkness." - Joshua Graham
Seriously Xina. I'm happy someone like you is here. You're respectful but not meek. You're still willing to backup your opinions and admit when you forgot to mention something or made a mistake. We need more people like you. You truly are a light shining in these dark times.
Makes me happy to see a well raised lady who's articulate, beautiful, feminine and from the continent! Much love, Pesh.
Also to add that being a stay at home mum can be very isolating. I do think mothers are instinctually inclined to stay with their babies but we are not designed to be alone. Historically we’d be surrounded by people while with our babies. So some women, myself included, find being a SAHM hard because we miss feeling part of something larger.
I literally cried yesterday in front of my fiancée because I have been researching and am coming to realize that becoming a full-time SAHM may be impossible. It broke my heart to come to the realization that I may have a baby next year and have to go to work after maternity. I am not even a mom yet, but I am feeling a VERY strong sense of guilt.
It is so hard. I'm sure you'll still be a wonderful, loving mom though. I mean, you already love your kid that much and they aren't even in the world yet!
@@tayh.6235 I appreciate that
My mom struggled with the same thing when we were growing up. She had us in her early 20s and had to surrender us to our grandmother due to mental and physical health issues. She had to work an office job just to survive and help our grandma pay for our basic needs. It was the worst years of our lives as children, because we missed our mom a lot.
Later on my mom got remarried and had another child, my half brother. She tried working and being a mother a second time. That time she already had another job, as a caregiver. She worked 5 days a week 8 to 12 hours a day, depending on her clients. While she had a choice of schedule, she was still very exhausted from all the work she did.
She nearly worked herself to death. In 2015 she had to quit her job, due to it interfering with her abilities as a mother. She kept getting sick, and couldn’t keep up with her maternal duties such as cooking, and taking us to school. Things are different now.
My mom can’t work anymore. But she still wants something to do. She’s hoping to have a stay at home job, something to do with photography or video. Either way, she has my full support.
I'm 42 and a SAHM of 3 daughters ages 15, 8 and 4. I quit my job of 9 years of teaching Psychology in a university here in the Philippines. I quit while I was pregnant with baby #2, with the rationalization that my field is simply left-leaning, and I no longer want to contribute to the continued indoctrination of the youth.
Seeing how farther left everything has gone, I conclude that my decision was the right one. Sadly, my husband still works in the same university, but at least his field is less politicized. (Accountancy)
I have no desire to work again when my children get older. 😊
Same (the SAHM who does not want to work again). I will only if I have to.
How nice to hear the voice of reason and logic! Greer's statement about all women houses is amusing - have you ever seen 2 women in a kitchen together! In the mainly female office where I worked, girls I knew as good and decent became absolute tyrants when they were made team leaders. I was flabbergasted at the instant change in demeanour.
Just as some men have trophy wives, quite a few women have trophy children - usually looked after full time by a trophy nanny - so all they have in common is an egg, not a life
..and a word from the first Nobel laureate in literature, Rudyard Kipling..echoing your comment about the she bear
"When the Himalayan peasant meets the
he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster,
who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends
the peasant tooth and nail.
For the female of the species is more
deadly than the male."
I married a man in the top 10% and he never cared how much I made. I was making 50 cents over minimum wage when we met. He just cared about me as a partner and future mother/wife.
Were you living by yourself or with family before you met him? That’s a huge factor
@@se2664 I was in college and living with my parents. We both have terrific relationships with our parents and super close families. I literally never lived alone. The closest was when I lived with a bunch of girls from church for a year in college when my parents moved.
My mom started working when I was in middle school because my dad wasn't making enough anymore. Of course, he did not want her to work and wanted her to stay a housewife because someone HAD to take care of him, the children, and the house. And of course, he wasn't going to do it. My mom WANTED to work tho. Not only did my family NEED the money, she was also just tired of being a housewife. She was not being appreciated by anyone anymore, and she was also being taken for granted (something I regret a lot). Especially by my dad.
To keep my dad happy and for him to give her permission to work, she tried balancing being a wife and a mother (but more specifically a wife). She worked long hours and the job was very physically demanding (she worked at a cotton gin), so eventually she "failed" (as my dad would put it). She couldn't keep up with cooking for my dad and taking his verbal abuse. She also noticed how much of a failure of a father he was to the point he let my siblings and I go to bed hungry. That's when the fights started.
"If you can't be a wife then just quit," he would tell her. "You're a failure and worthless." This went on for years.
I couldn't handle all the verbal abuse and fights so I ended up moving out by like 15/16. After years of my mom taking shit from my dad, her own child moving out is what caused her to open her eyes. What was the point of staying with my dad "for the kids" if staying with him caused one of her kids to leave? She eventually moved out like a year or so later with two of my brothers.
I know my mom feels a lot of guilt for "abandoning" us when we most needed her. I know for the longest time, my brothers and I even gave her shit for it. We saldy even called her a bad mom. Of course, now that we are older, we realize that she did what she did because she HAD to. If anyone was a failure it was my dad. I regret the shit I told her when I was younger and the pain I caused. I was confused and angry at the world and she was just the easiest way to get my anger out I guess. I now let her know that although she isn't a "perfect" mom (because no one is), she's the best mom I could have ever gotten, and I'm extremely lucky for that.
I know my mom working and being a housewife would have worked if my dad would have just been more supportive. If my dad would have just been a fucking dad and taken care of us. But no, he had to have old fashion ideals and be an alcoholic, workaholic (an interesting convo if you ask me).
For anyone reading this, take it as a precautionary tale. 1. Be supportive of your partner (them wanting to work, be a housewife/househusband, or both), 2. Kids can be very ignorant and not understand why you as a parent might be doing something. Just be patient and forgive what they say. They'll end up coming to their senses and regretting what they've said. And 3. Do NOT stay for the kids. More than anything, you'll just end up fucking them over.
I’m 28 and don’t have a kid. Through my own choices, I just don’t see myself having a baby nor do I want one, at this moment in time that is. I like my free time, quiet time to do the things I love. My personal view if I had to choose, I rather get a dog as they are still a handful but without the crying.
Same. I’m 25 and don’t want any kids. I enjoy my QUIET time and not having to look after anybody. The moment someone yells my name I’m instantly annoyed. I also HATE being inconvenienced. If I couldn’t make a social gathering because no one wanted to watch kid/the father being an ass I would be very upset.
As someone who has had both kids and dogs, kids start harder but get easier as they learn to become self-reliant, whereas dogs are permanent toddlers!
@@qwertyrobbo101
The more people try to convince me to do or follow what others seem to do in their lives, the more I feel the urge to not do it. Not just to prove my point but to also say, “I Carve My Own Path.”
I tend to not take being peer pressured into making such decisions such as having a baby. I’m not saying I’m unfit or wise enough to be a mum as I know that I’ll be a great mum, if I was to go down that road. However my own personal opinion on my own life so far, I’ve always valued my own company and the peace it brings.
I see my life being child free and being able to do the things that makes me happy and at least travel some before even considering such change to my life, especially in this day and age when we have a financial crisis. And yeah, a baby cost lots too. I want to travel places before settling down in such ways, having a relationship is fine but nothing more if the time or person isn’t ready to make that jump.
Soooo, I’m gonna stick to my life the way it is. 😊☕️✌🏽
@@KaysFantasy I'm not trying to convince you either way, without being rude I don't know you and I have zero investment in you or how your life turns out. I'm simply sharing my own experience
@@qwertyrobbo101
Never said you were trying to convince me 😁✌🏽 and I value your opinion the same as everyone else. 😊☕️
Hurrah to you. A complex situation well observed. When I was young almost all women were homebound often with large families, post war the push was for the opportunities gained during the need for all the workers it was possible to , get slid into women pursuing some kind of career if she wanted to do and so, on till now when it takes two salaries to live at the same level one salary could accomplish in the past. It is a heavy load indeed and I don’t blame us at all for asking the very important questions you evaluated. I think we have a hard time ahead for all of us. I can’t imagine what the answer is……I hope children aren’t siphoned off into national institutions to keep their caregivers into work for the greater good. I don’t think the ‘greater’ will be at all grateful.
I was the bread winner. Housework was what was sacrificed. As long as the kids know that you'll drop everything for them if they really need it, they'll be fine. It was exhausting, but so worth it.
I really appreciate you making a distinction between career women and working women. I'm personally very disillusioned with the idea of a career, but of course I do have to work, it's just stopped being something about fulfillment. Also, there's something to be said for extended families living together, or in close proximity, something Greer probably had in mind. Seeing that a single person can't support a nuclear family anymore, it's vital that we (and especially single or divorced mothers) have a kind of support structure so as not to be reliant on outsourcing childcare. I don't know, it seems we're not handling this well in our current socioeconomic model at all.
I'm in my mid twenties, pursuing a masters degree in 2 majors, and I thought it was very interesting when you pointed out how much easier it is to build a career and life together when you get with someone while you're still in that phase of life. Currently I'm not seeing anyone, and the dating world is SO messed up right now that I want to just be by myself for a while.
While I'm aware that it gets more difficult with time, and it must be a HUGE task to balance jobs, ambitions, even habits, in your 30s and later, I see it like this: the work that I put into my university now, and into a job hopefully very soon, is not going to wake up and decide to ghost me, or go off and cheat, or whatnot. I guess that women being increasingly more career-oriented nowadays also has something to do with having bad relationship experiences, and the current general situation in dating.
another amazing video as always, I love your opinions and all the research that you do 💖💖💖
(i know this comment tackles only a very small thing you said, maybe not the general topic of the video, but it is what i found most relatable in my current phase of life 😁)
what is a master’s degree in “two majors”? majors are an undergraduate thing, no? did you mean two separate areas of study, or?
Tbh that wont make it better tho. Men do not care about your tax bracket or how many degrees you got. We all make the mistake that we assume too much about the other gender. Women and men have completely different motivations and find different things attractive in another. If we can find middle ground - amazing. Thats where relationships can flourish.
Very intelligent contain. Collapse of the family unit is the single largest problem society faces.
I watched an episode of Reba last night where she began to question her parenting after she was fired for not being a “good role model”. One thing her ex husband said that stuck out to me was that every family has to make their own decision as there is no one, right answer to everything and what she did was best for her family. With that being said, traditional and modern women shouldn’t shame one another for their lifestyles as they both have cons. Both sides should have a realistic perspective on building their families and doing what’s best for them. Not what social media tells them.
The dad guilt part really got me... My dad retired early due to a health complication 8 years ago. He's since then been trying hard to spend time with my mom and me. Sometimes, I brush it off since I too have gotten busy with my own life.
I called him up today to check in on him and my mom. I haven't done that for literal years. I felt my tears well up thinking that what if he doesn't have enough time to spend with mom and I.
He's doing okay so far, he took my mom out on a date. He was worried about me getting into some trouble because I called up. I wish I could've said more. Maybe I'll call again some time.
This was a very interesting video, I really enjoyed it :). (Honestly, I always do). In my experience, I'm kind of following with what you said at the end of your video. I was with my bf while doing college. Half way I accidentally got pregnant. Now I have the most beautiful one year old and I got 2 more years of university to go. All the while my husband works and I am a SAHM while attending my online classes. Once I'm done and I begin my career, we plan on switching, he'll be the SAHD and finish college while I take care of the bills. If all goes well, by the time he's done, our baby should be in school by then. We're hoping this is the best for our family :)
When I went back to work after maternity leave I cried in my car, on the way to work. and half of my shift. I agree mom guilt is bc of biology. I knew my baby was safe with the hubby but it didn't matter to my crazy postpartum brain.
On a second point you made, I met and started dating my hubby when I was 19, he was 22. We got married when I was 27 and had our baby 2 years later. Between that time of getting married we both built our careers side by side. It's worked out well but I will say I still dropped down to part time bc I felt I was missing so much of my child's life.
Another great video ❤!! I have to say I’ve been VERY lucky. I found my first partner when i was 24, had my first Babygirl when i was 28! And He was able to support me even though we got divorced. I was there for ten years and I enjoyed every minute of it. Now with my second baby still im still able to work just part time and im happy that i can be there for her. Some people even criticised me for having a second one n my late 30s but i felt like i have to one isn’t enough. ❤happy i did. Two beautiful daughters ❤ my two best friends. But im aware not all girl have the same luck 😢
A woman can have it all, so long as she gets the timing right ...
1. Select a suitable mate very early. Even teen years. For example picking from family friends, et c ... People who already have some ties to her family and have motivation to not "misbehave".
2. Have kids early. Like at 20yrs. Have like 3kids before 25yrs ... Simultaneously do school work. Because universities generally don't mind dealing with pregnant woman and young mothers ...
At this point, the woman can also start pursuing her carrier, but lightly.
3. Focus on raising the kids for at least 13yrs ... While at the same time getting the highest level of education and mastery possible ... When the kids go to high school. Put the kids in boarding school. And start your carrier at early to mid 30s.
4. Go hard on carrier. While the kids finish high school and start getting independent.
5. Given that humans live past 70yrs, it means that this woman would still have over 30yrs to pursue whatever she wants.
By the way, your singing voice is pure magic!
Thank you!🙏🏾
The funny thing is people think men can "have it all" but they can't, the problem just manifests itself in a different way.
My Dad, for instance, has been a physician (neurologist) for 40+ years and he was the income earner while my Mom stayed home and kept the house up and raised my brother and me. My Dad generally worked 15+ days every single day. It was rare that my brother and I saw our Dad on weekdays since we left for school early (high school started at 7:40 AM) and my Dad rarely got home before midnight.
My Dad ended up missing almost every single important step in our lives and it's only been within the last decade (after my Mom died and my Dad's slowed down because he's 70 years-old now) that my brother and I have really gotten to know him, and I'm in my early 40s and my brother is in his late 30s.
Yes, he had a terrific career, but he had virtually no family life to speak of and had very little contact with his kids, and although I don't know the details, I'm sure there was a lot of issues between him and my Mom because he was working all the time. So no one can "have it all" because it's a choice between focusing on your career or your family in most cases, and even in situations where parents try to have a good balance between the two, one of those always takes precedence.
Fertility is a tricky factor, because what if you really do want to have children and your time is running out, but you have neither the structure and stability, nor the money or job and not even a partner to it with? Would you just settle for the next best guy, or trick someone into fathering the child even though they don't want to?
Just like you're correctly stating, often the choice isn't even up to the woman at all, but to the entire system. I think this ties in well with your videos about hookup culture and loneliness.
Looking for a solid partner, building a relationship and pursuing a career in your early 20s is also very tricky; you might not even be in a place where you fully know what you want from life. Not only does it put an immense pressure on you and everyone you go out on a date with, it can also make the whole thing more difficult, because you put so much pressure on every date. It also puts pressure on studying the next best thing or pursuing the next best job, just in order to have some foundation to later turn into a career, which you might realise you're completely unhappy with or unfit for. This all leads to so much stress, that you either won't find a partner, won't find a career, or you do, but it all falls apart years later from the stress you caused earlier, including a risk of burn-out.
And we do need children. Our generation (Millenials and Zs) will already be in a massive senior-care-crisis. There will be neither enough money, nor enough people to care for us when we're old, and we're still getting older on average. It's worrisome.
But the people who do have a lot of children are either criticised for living in a backwards, regressive manner, or belong to the classes of people who might not even want or can afford children and abandon them. (This point is a bit classicist, but I know low-income families that are really struggling, worse when they do have kids)
One big solution for the whole thing is to give parents better conditions. Don't deny a woman her job just because she's planning to have children in the next 5 years and give moms and dads equal opportunities to take ample time off of work to care for their children. Women could have it all, or at least a bit more than currently, if their partners were able to care for the kids as well, instead of being forced to work in order to regenerate the lost income from one parent staying home full time.
The other consequence is that parents load of their newborn babies at daycares and basically let the state - or worse, private companies, take care of them for 18 years, leaving whole parts of the younger generations in effect parentless.
This popped up on my feed on the perfect day. I was an IVF professional mom (after several early miscarriages & now being 35), and have a beautiful baby boy. My husband and I were making the decision this week about our frozen embryos. On Monday, we realized we're too career driven and going through pregnancy again is a non-starter. We wouldn't be able to give our son enough of us - let alone another baby. Then yesterday, I decided this is the best time in my life to add in my professional doctorate degree. So I'll be applying this winter.
We've made some hard decisions, delayed some goals and dropped off others, but this is the way we can "have it all." We've discussed, if our son gets to be 4+ and the entire household wants him to have a sibling, we'll pursue adoption.
I wish I was this aware when I was in my 20s. I left things to the wind, I never really actively pursued a career but in the end that is all I have.
Yeah, Hanna’s video got me hardcore. My daughter’s turning 4 months next week and every doctors appointment the nurses and doctor are thrilled with how she’s doing and tell me I’m doing a great job but it never feels like it to me. Once I returned to work it got that much harder. It feels like I have 3 jobs now: my day job, being a mom and pumping and two of those jobs don’t pay.