Does a Lack of Sexual Interest Relate to Avoidant Attachment?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 10 лип 2024
- Have you ever felt confused by a partner’s lack of sexual interest?
Maybe you’ve experienced a fiery erotic attraction to them, and they appear to be attracted to you too, but once you get between the sheets, the fire sizzles out.
As a result, you might find yourself wondering if you are doing something wrong: how can the chemistry appear to be so promising, only to blow up in your face?
And really wanting to know what the underlying problem is, so you can fix it.
Welp. You are not alone in this.
In my online Facebook group of over 10k members, individuals often share posts and comments expressing those very same thoughts, feelings and experiences.
For example, recently a member posted the question…
Does a lack of sexual interest relate to avoidant attachment?
If you can relate to this, this 15 minute video is for you.
In it, I explain 6 crucially important factors that may be affecting a partner’s lack of sexual interest--when everything else seems to be such a good fit.
So let’s dive in...
One of the pitfalls of learning a framework for understanding human behavior is a tendency to pathologize that which we don’t understand and find a way to make it fit the framework. Before I would assume attachment styles are at play, I would have to consider at least six important factors:
1. Assess the subjective, qualitative experience.
2. Rule out dispositional identity issues.
3. Rule out biological or physical issues, including hormonal issues, mental health issues and medication side effects.
4. Rule out porn addiction.
5. Rule out erotic blueprints.
6. Consider if there is a trauma history and its influence on attachment styles.
Of course, any number of these factors could overlap with one another; we witness and experience these intersecting factors as a gestalt experience: the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.
But it is worth while teasing out each component so that you are more aware of what the most influential underlying issue might be, so that you can best go about addressing it.
For more information on the resources I’ve mentioned, check out the links below:
The Great Porn Experiment
• The great porn experim...
Relationship Rescue
members.brianamacwilliam.com/...
⭐WHAT ATTACHMENT STYLE ARE YOU?⭐
Take the quiz: bit.ly/4LuvStylesYT
========
OTHER WAYS TO CONNECT…
Instagram: @BrianaMacWilliam
Facebook group: / attachmentinadultrelat...
Website: www.brianamacwilliam.com/
I like my avoidant lover boyfriend friend with benefits friends with no benefits. Where did he go. Oh look he's back again
Man, I feel this lol
🤣 humor is the only way to deal with it 😅
Ha! So accurate.
This made me really laugh !
True say❤
Yes it does. Do yourself a favor folks, get healthy that way you can attract a healthy attachment and do not have to go through this. Speaking from experience.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. You might find the following video useful. [LIVESTREAM] How Trying to “Heal” Keeps You Wounded
ua-cam.com/video/qYJpVgVmmXA/v-deo.html
As somebody who has worked in a behavioral clinic, people change and be fixed.
Great topic!! I wonder this about myself all the time. Sparks are flying everywhere then we get intimate and during the act of it I just shut down. It's like all those feelings get sucked from my body. I also go thru phases of feeling A-sexual. Really thought there was something very wrong w me.
I believe my ex was avoidant and he really took his time to even start having sex. Even though we slept in the same bed many times, sex didn't begin until after 3 months. I found he wasn't very interested in sex or physical touch (kisses, etc) at all.
Your first couple of sentences just described my entire relationship in a nutshell. OMG. I'm floored.
I am involved with an avoidant man who was really into sex at first but once we became close and exclusive he stopped. And he gets angry if I bring it up so I just don't. I know that pressuring a partner is the worst way to attract him sexually but leaving him alone has not helped at all. And I know he has a high drive, which makes me feel pretty bad about my own attractiveness. Yes I know it's not about me but it's hard to unthink something that you feel. What can I do? He knows he's avoidant and he goes through cycles of trying to meet me halfway but this is a dealbreaker for me. I used to be secure but I find myself skewing anxious with him. That's not me and I'm ready to bail. I might stick it out if he's willing to take the course and meet me halfway.
I know how you feel
Totally can relate , avoidants come on so strong and then when things get closer they pull away altogether. It's so heartbreaking and just messes up your self esteem. 💔
Finally some insight on this topic...
YEP. My avoidant ex privately thought herself asexual and didn't respond well to touch. Would've been nice to know that on my end of things ahead of time...instead I found out through a saved doc in my Google drive 😞. Regardless, now in hindsight, I'm happily not dealing with it anymore. Sex is important, especially as a part of intimacy imo.
She may have been asexual and dismissive avoidant or she may be an internal repressive anxious preoccupied type. But if you presume she was being truthful, then 'asexual' describes a sexual orientation. Attachment theory describes ways people perceive, process and deal with attachment anxiety. One's ability to connect in a meaningful way, may encourage or discourage sex, but I don't think it typically eliminates all desire for sex.
I think most people who identify as asexual get a lot of pushback, even from people inside the LGTBQ+ community. It's probably more difficult to identify as asexual than as gay.
I thought i was a-sexual. Until i met a man, where i was so in love with. There was from the start a very sexual attraction. A feeling of belonging. I felt so much sweet affection. Was in love quickly. Loved him so much. Felt like home in the sense, because i realized he had little things of my father. He was not like my father, but little things gave me the feeling that i could have the same bond with him. I had a strong bond with my father. So, it felt so good, to feel the same bond with someone.
I wanted to be with him 24/7. Could not imagine a life without him. Wanted to grow with him, to get old with him. To be there allways for him.
I could never say no to sex. I was even 24/7 arroused. Only by looking at him, hearing him, seeing him working, with his little quircks! Felt so much care and loyalty towards him. Would never left him for someone else.
I never felt that for any man.
I could never ever be not sexual with him. Not even, when i feel headache or stomac ache.
But ok.
He was a narcissist, selfcentered, only he mattered, his future. His needs, wants. I realized it was allways about him. Not me. Not my child, not my dog. I realized he was not there, when i needed him the most. But i was allways there, when he needed me.
When i was affraid to be abducted one day, he was not impressed by my emotions, or fear, stress.
There where from the start red flags. But he was also loving and friendly. Easy going.
He was very sexual. But after 3 weeks he started to retreat from sex often. Having sex and stand up, like he did met his sexual needs and did not want to cuddle. He started everytime his day. Sex and hup.
There where mind games. How far he could push me, where my boundaries where to see how far he could go with me. He said that himself! With a smirk on his face.
He was addicted to porn, computer sex, tinder, dating sites. Having online sex. I discovered.
Then after 1 month he retreated from sex more and more.
He looked from the start to other women intensly. Wherever we where. Another red flag.
Then he said, he wanted a 3 some, with a woman, with us.
Then he suddenly said...I want a virgin. I never had one. They are pure. Red flags.
From wanting me badly, to be anoyed with me sexually after 1 month. Mind you. I never pressured him. I only said, i really enjoy it with him. That could never say no to him.
He said, he could not find women, who stayed sexual interrested with him, from the start!
However, i was!
He was also easaly bored with most things. Food, places, daily life. He liked kicks. Adrenaline rushes. Beeing a little drunk, high. He liked beerd every day. He used to smoke pot for years too in the past. Red flag too.
There where very much all kind of red flags.
I saw them and i wanted to go many times. But i could not. Until after 1,5 years i could.
I was seeing so much youtube video's, articles...
I knew, i had to go.
At the end i was so depressed, then suicidal, then empty, a shell. Did not know anything anymore. Did not know, who i was, what i wanted, what i needed. Could not function anymore. Felt only confusion, my life was over. I felt totally crushed. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Felt going insane too. I was changin into having feeling of rage. I thought, now i am another crazy woman, who he could add to his list.
I felt. I need badly to go. Or i commit suicide.
I am glad he throw me out, after i was hopeless angry and a psychologica/emotional mess
Then after a few days, he wanted still to be friends. I was feeling disgusted, ice cold inside, dead, murdered. I told him...Friends?We never where friends.
He was pissed of and went away. He then realized, i saw him, who he was, what he did from the start, until the end. He knew, he can not play with me anymore. Mind games over. Using me no more.
But as an A-sexual, he was the one, who could melt me, without making real efforts. He was not even considered a good lover sexually. But i was hot all the time, when seeing him!
Strange?
I learned from that, there are a lot of components necessary to really feel sexual on a permanent basis with someone.
It is how he smelled. Not perfume!
How you feel when you look at somebody.
Are you sexually very attracted aka sexual chemistry? Your genes dictate this. And how compatible you are in the sense of having babies together and their genetic make up, when we mate together. It is very stupid to think, that the smell of a man's genetic is not important to women. A woman does not know that. A man either. But her nose does. So she gets unbelievable arroused sexually by a man and does not know why that man has such an effect on her.
I felt litterally all day fussy inside and my private parts. Even if he did not do anything a woman needs, to get wet, before intercourse. I was permanent ready.
???? I know.
Is she attracted to more ellements?
Yes of course. She needs to be.
I know, there where different things that attracted me. A list full.
Money did not matter. I gave him even my food, payed for a lot of things. He had no property either. He had a job, he could lose.
But i was not attracted to the fact that he showed red flags. His character, his demeanor in some areas. His lack of morals, empathy, wisdom, intelligence. Not wanting to be more intelligent, learn, grow. Not being there for me for real. For my dog. He would of never been there for my son either. He was not there for his 2 sons either. Not even paying child support. That was allready a very big red flag. He said all his exes went cheating on him. His exes where all crazy. He never took responsability. The only real responsability he had was, to a sailboat. Or boats in general. Perfect responsable to hire, when working on a boat.
I know now, i am not A- sexual.i am not frigide. Not lesbian. Not avouding sex, because of sexual disfunctions.
But i avoid sex like a plage in general, so i have no male friends or hook-ups, or loose sexual encounters.
I realize i am just very, very sexual selective. And i use my brain mostly, with good reasoning skills. I have to.
I also ask myself. Why have sex? If you do not want to stay with someone? Sex without love? Sex for fun? Sex for feeling wanted? Sex for 1 night? Sex for escaping boredom, excitment? Sex for ?
I want only sex, with that one special person to me, who i love dearly and feel hot all the time. Where i want to grow old with. Who i sherish. Who i feel big affection with. Who i value lifetime. Who i want to wake up with every day. Do boring things together. Do more adventurous things together. I want a man for sex, when i feel warm, fussy inside, when looking at him. Where i feel, this man, makes me happy, just by being there. I want to have sex with the man i want.
But, i do not want to stay with a man, with certain character traits, who make my heart and soul go dead.
Greetings from belgium.
I am healing. It is a year ago.
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 thanks for sharing and being so open honest. That feeling of nothingness and wanting just not to be here anymore is real. People like this can take you there. I totally can relate 😢
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 your beautiful words explaining everything.. made me cry. I understand, what you mean.. why have sex unless it is for that passion, that love and true desire for a man.
It seems like this man who let you down, did not realize what he had, and is his loss.
I agree! It went from bad sex to no sex in about four years. It was like I had to beg for it. I got out and so glad!
My partner and I would have sex like 4 times a week- twice a day sometimes.
Now he is not sexually affectionate at all. His physical affection is inconsistent. I have tried talking to him about it, it makes me emotional so I don’t really bring it up anymore. I feel a lot of shame around this. And a lot of insecurity around this. We have ample opportunity, but he’ll come up with an excuse almost everytime. Last week it was stress, week before it was him not feeling well, this week it was him having errands. he woke up and got up immediately. I don’t know what to do anymore. My needs aren’t being met. I don’t want to cause anxiety for him or pressure, so I’m just at a point where I’m going to suppress my needs because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, is it the way I’m approaching him. In the past I’ve been dominant and aggressive and he liked that, but I don’t even get the opportunity to do anything or try anything because he doesn’t respond to me sexually or affectionately. It hurts. Bad. I don’t know what to think.
It means hes having sex with someone else. Or has friendzoned you. People love sex. So thats a bad sign.
@@apope06 Doubt it. But he has to work through whatever is holding him back.
My Ex was a p0rn addict. He was first APD which then led to preference for solo-sex for anxiety and emotional soothing, control fantasies because he didn't have any IRL, it led to disconnection from immature interpersonal skills and 35 years of addiction and intimacy anorexia.
What makes you doubt it? Because of what they say? Listen. Dont ever believe what ppl say. Only behavior. The simplest explanation is usually correct.
Maybe he is feeling closer to you and that is scary so he unconsciously has less sex drive to prevent him from getting closer. This happens to me almost immediately with people I try to date. When I feel comfortable, i get scared because my mom and I were enmeshed and she didn't really care about what my emotional needs were. I was someone who validated her.
I love the way you explain things.
She's a genius I would say. Also enormously beautiful but of course that isn't allowed to be said anymore in the age of woke!
All good things and good luck!
Yes it does. Avoidants don't like to be vulnerable. But attachment styles can be changed.
@@miramac115 Danny please reply back. I’m desperate I want to die if I can’t feel real love. I’ve had it before. But looking back, I only viewed the girls as sexual objects for my pleasure . Nothing else. And now that I’m an adult looking for intimate relationships I’m noticing the cut off switch in my heart an brain, when it comes to actually being ABLE to relax and be intimate with somebody. It scares me . Not in a sarcastic way either, it hurts my heart, and I’m scared that I can’t feel. I’m a monster .
@@jshaka3769 you are not a monster. I think you need to feel your feelings again and probably stop porn and seeing women as sexual beings only. Totally drug throwing away kinda..cold showers..to feel again. Which country are you from btw?
“I don’t really open up to my therapist as I should. The problem is that I still struggle to see how that affects me today. It’s still difficult to let others be there for me. It feel unnatural and as if I don’t believe them. Also, I don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable in front of women. They could use it against me. I become hyper vigilant in.”
My fearful avoidant is more into casual sex with couples, than following through with our many extensive talks about engaging in sexual experimentation and sexual activity since we both have the same sex drive. But he prefers couples more than me because it is easy for him. We barely hook up and we talk more. So my question is, does he find it easy to have sex with couples more because he has a connection or love for me, aka why he can’t have sex with me?! However he opens up and talks to me about what is going on, hence the quoted statement from him. He may have a sex addiction and it’s hard because he does have a severe sexual and violently abusive upbringing. He is actively seeking help with two therapists. So it’s hard to condemn him and I don’t find it necessary to banter at him about his troubles, but be supportive of him combatting his violent upbringing. He is trying to understand how it affects him to this day.. But it’s difficult to hang out with him face to face …
I do send him informative information about his troubles of what he seeks to understand, some of your videos.
What I would like to learn more about about his situation of disorganized attachment feels comfort with another, but how hyper vigilance exists within communication, the back and forth of support to being MIA. Aka dr. Jekyll and Hyde as i call him. He is very sweet and supportive, then he is very callous and distant, “ I don’t have time” attitude.
He is the king of mixed signals. All talk no action.
This has effected everything but that for me luckily.
I found out the ice cube doesn’t fall far from the iceberg!
Omg this is what’s happening to my marriage !! He was sexual before in non commited relationships.. and one night stands and even prostitutes ( I know bad). But now it’s like no sex almost because we are in a close relationship.. he even said “problems “ turn him off and he doesn’t want sex .. it’s weird, even if we are okay he doesn’t want sex. He’s avoidant for sure .. it now makes so much sense sexually but also across his behavior
Over time sex gets boring. A guy can still love you but the novelty is gone. The best solution is to space out the number of times you have sex from a few times a week to just once per week. Build emotional and romantic chemistry. Stronger emotional connection makes him horny again
Sounds like a fantasy bond
Likely has a very clear mental distinction between madonna and whore in that complex. Not sure what that'd be called
TY,
That is the first time hearing about the 5 erotic blueprints. That makes sense.
I am secure attachment style; however, many things can trigger avoidant attachment.
Namaste
🕊️Peace 🤸 Shalom 🐵
Likely they are dreaming of their ex, or a celebrity; or the unrequited love.
What if my partner was highly sexual before getting married, but after married and children she was no longer interested in sex? I know she suffered a lot of slutshaming and also she was hit by her mom for being sexual being blamed for not being capable of keeping men at bay, but was sexual nevertheless. Currently she is not longer interested in sex, but only concerned because the pressure it creates in the relationship. Can that be considered sexual trauma? And be caused by attachment issues?
AB Santana I cannot say, because I do not know this person, but based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like this is sexual trauma and attachment trauma. Hormones can also play a role, however because throughout the course of a relationship we can encourage more or less of the hormones that keep us aroused as well. You might check out the work of John Gray, either his new book “beyond Mars and Venus”, or his book “Mars on fire and Venus on ice”.
Is it common for an FA to have a high sexual drive in the beginning with a Secure leaning Anxious but then when fights keep happening, due to action reaction and push/push methods of their own design, to loss their interest in sex due to a lack of emotional connection? My ex, who I believe to be FA, was the best, most loving and passionate sex I've ever had, and she told me time and time again likewise and I opened her up to true love in sex, but then lot interest in the end and cried because she was confused as to why and that she didn't feel emotional connection? Also, she told me this stuff after the fact while we were breaking up. She has only been with 3 guys before me, 2 of which were long term and one just a hook up that she hated and said she cannot be into anyone sexually with the emotional connection. Long story or I guess question short, do you think she let the emotional confusion of deactivate get in the way of something we could have talked out?
I seem to attract women with high sex drives but have difficulty expressing themselves emotionally by having absent, emotionally detached or blunt and tactless fathers. Is sex a bandage in this scenario?
Using sex as a coping mechanism is actually quite common
For those who seek sexual intimacy outside of their primary relationships what are they seeking in that outside person ? Just sex ? Is this because they can’t fully function sexually in their primary relationship and need to physically be with someone /anyone else besides their primary partner ? What is a relationship with a primary partner with out sex? A friendship ? ( speaking about those who don’t live with their primary partners )
Well romantic relationships aren't necessarily sexual, and sexual relationships aren't necessarily romantic. So 🤷🏾♀️
I keep reading that people with this attachment style usually have lots of casual sexual partners/higher count. Is this always the case or can the anxiety actually cause dysfunction and inability to perform?
Can do both, depends on the person.
Yes my DA had a high sex drive and a long list of short relationships. She was loyal when with me though, I know that
I'm hoping to get some good info on this. I'm not watching this because my partner has the problem. I am the problem. I can see what I'm doing but I don't know how to fix it.
Also- I have no pressure from my partner. He is very accepting and loving.
Same 😭
He was physically affectionate, but not sexual
No point in being physically affectionate but no sex thats being a tease dont start something you refuse to finish. Dont make me aroused then dont follow though
You were lucky to get that! Never again for me. Avoidance are uncaring. I’m feeling and selfish. Right up there with a narcissist in my opinion.
My "boyfriend" has relationship e sexual traumas. when we start dating his sexual drive was off and I felt insecure which led to him breaking up with me. 5 months after, we are back together...his sexual desire is way better (he thinks is because he started eating meat again), but even tough he wants to have sex and is more open, he still doesn't kiss much. It's like 3-5 second kisses... I'd like him to kiss me more...but I already heard that telling me need is interpreted like pressure and insatisfaction and that shuts him off.... I'm also trying to have patience because I think the lack of kissing is his difficulty of opening up and being intimate. But I would love to be able to be more open with him without stepping on eggs.
Navigating a relationship where there's a history of sexual and relationship trauma is delicate territory. First off, it's great to hear that you're approaching this with sensitivity and patience, which are crucial here.
You're correct to notice that expressing your desires directly could be interpreted as pressure, particularly for someone grappling with trauma. It’s possible that the lack of prolonged kissing is his way of keeping emotional intimacy at arm's length, a classic coping mechanism when past traumas are at play.
If you’re noticing improvements in other areas, like his sexual desire, that's a positive sign! It indicates that he's progressing on his journey and that the relationship is moving toward a healthier dynamic.
However, your needs and desires are valid too. The trick is to balance those with his comfort levels and his ongoing healing journey. So instead of framing it as a 'need,' you might try sharing your experiences more neutrally, perhaps saying something like, "I've noticed that when we share longer kisses, it helps me feel closer to you and more connected, and I love that feeling."
You could also gently introduce the topic in a broader conversation about intimacy and connection. This takes the focus off of what's 'missing' and places it on what you both want from the relationship.
If you find that walking this tightrope becomes too emotionally draining or complex, consider seeking the help of a skilled therapist, possibly one specializing in sexual trauma, who can facilitate these delicate conversations.
Remember, it's not just about 'stepping on eggs.' It's about building a safe space where both of you can express your desires and fears openly. And sometimes that involves a lot of patience and carefully chosen words.
Take care. 💕
can you share the ted talk please
Doctor Lisa's Clinic Thank you for watching and for commenting. It’s in the caption of the video.
Well, it applies to me but I'm heavily traumatized after 20 years of sex and verbal abuse so I don't think it's for me neither was I so before. Besides, I'm too busy with study work and child to think much at intimacy
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, arbol_de tei. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
This aspect of DA always confuses me because my DA ex had a high sex drive, she’d initiate and be very expressive in the bedroom and we had a good sex life for 2 years, until she became very avoidant for 6 months before breakup and walking. I don’t think she is an extreme DA, only a few DA behaviours until the end.
I love ,love , love ,you Briana, I have learned so much from you, but it would be so much more understandable if you were not using so many technical terms. ?Just a thought?
Not everyone fits in thebox.
Iam india women so pleas subtitles
A confusing topic. Went on a date with an avoidant girl who i found out later on she had a history of sexual trauma. But im going to be blunt. A lack of sexual interest to me means there's a high chance a guy is being friendzoned or just used for emotional validation. In other words, she doesnt really like you. Sexual intimacy is the most important measure of whether there is a Romantic interest.
I'm an apd woman. And I think I may try to friend zone every guy, because that's safe for me. They can't hurt me because they don't know that my emotions are involved (if u have sex with a guy he can pretty much assume ur feelings are involved or he at least certainly knows that he has some emotional control/affect upon u). Embarrassing to admit this but I need over validation & affection from men to feel safe enough to allow myself vulnerability or to express my emotion (which includes letting a guy know that I like him in that manner smh). It's probably not truly a lack of interest but a lack a of feeling safe enough to express it - and that is not your fault or bc u did anything wrong (it's the apd person there's something wrong with lbs). As an apd girl I'll say that the friend zone is safe and I can't get hurt or embarrassed there. Until I know a man really genuinely likes me and is interested in me I WILL NOT allow myself to made a fool of by showing that I like him and he ends up not liking me or being mutually interested. I don't even consider liking a guy unless I know he REALLYYY likes me first smh. 😩😭
Basically self confidence issues are masked as stoicism & lack of emotion/interest. I pretend to be really emotionally Cool/cold but the truth is that I'm oversenitive as hell.
"sexual intimacy is the most important measure of whether there is romantic interest."
No, it isn't. Sexual intimacy is the most important measure of sexual interest. Likewise, romance is the most important measure of romantic interest.
@@Heyu7her3this
What?? Asexyal??
You're information is informative and helpful to expand understanding.
Please, please don't label men CIS no one is CIS, you are male or female. A man can never be or have the experience of being non male or female. It's not possible. They may deny and disassociate however there is no CIS male or female.
Plainly incorrect based on plenty of medical data.
Cis man. Cis woman. Trans man. Trans woman. Man. Woman. Nonbinary. Third gender. Intersex.
Stop the transphobia. Cis exist, as well as trans. Same with gay and straight. Cope harder bigot.
Cis male
Cis male
Cis male
Cis male
Cis male
Boo did I scare you?
Men lose interest in sex as they get older naturally. Sadly there is no way for a man to feel as he did in his teens and early 20's. After age 25 a mans erections will never be as firm as they once were, a man will not be as ambitious as he once was, and no matter what you do certain things no longer feel as good as it used to, the big finale at the end is also no longer as intense as it was in his teens and early 20's. But besides that, men tend to lose interest in sex when they are with the same person for a long time. The reason is by nature men are not meant to be in one relationship all their life...marriage was something that was invented as a way to change that, and most men know this and that is why they are afraid of marriage.
Hello, testosterone replacement exists. Second, this is why you should actually listen to the video, because this is literally about factors to rule out before determining whether it is nearly as "inevitable" as you presume.
Id say guys are not as obsessed in their 30s. But a woman is horny and initiates it...they are happy to oblige
Nothing you write makes sense, and you also contradict yourself. Saying that men cannot stay with one person makes y'all sound lesser than beavers, gibbons, vultures, seahorses, bald eagles, and penguins.
"cisgender" 🙄
This whole thing is so cringe for real