This Is What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant
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- Опубліковано 27 вер 2024
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In this in-depth video you’re going to learn,
What Usually Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant
If People With Avoidant Attachment Styles Secretly Want You To Chase Them
Why They Give You Mixed Signals
Give them the space they need forever.
Yes love this! Stop hanging on to crumbs and sweep them up and deposit them into the waste bin. ❤
😂 Amen
Lol
😶🌫️
"You want some space? Here. Have lots of space."
The best way to deal with an avoidant is, don’t deal with them. You can never have a relationship with them because they will never be vulnerable.
As a therapist, I generally agree. To genuinely be in relationship, one must surrender to vulnerability. Avoidant personality types must address their own issues and develop ways of handling stress that don't rely on disappearing or closing out all communication.
@@Wolf88888 agreed. I’m far from perfect also. I have an anxious and fearful avoidant side. I told my ex wife, who is a DA, what I needed. I also definitely have boundaries. I told her I needed specific things, she didn’t do them. I then became very vulnerable and told her why I needed her to do these things. She still didn’t do them, then I became distant. She also broke my trust (no infidelity). After four marriage counselors, and things not changing, I was done.
And the majority refuse to work on themselves. They avoid that too!
@@mgn1621😂😂😂😂 true
Lose/lose situation
Avoidants are not worth the trouble. They are afraid of their own hearts.
As an avoidant…I do agree but most of us don’t do it because we want to hurt people or not to be loved. Our childhood was bad
@@famemosterrrrr I think I understand you. My own upbringing was constant danger, and was always suspicious of sentimentality. I do not remember how I worked free of the affliction. Dreamtime was the key.
Mine is.
@@famemosterrrrrYou don't want to hurt but you know it hurts 💔💔
@famemosterrrrr Many of us had bad childhoods and overcame. Shut up. I'm over it. My father beat me too and i love my mom even though I can never be my fully unfiltered self around her EVER and hide a lot from her. Get over yourself and grow the fuck up. You are an adult now. What happened as a child sucked, but it's YOUR responsibility to grow past and beyond that, not your partner's responsibility to cater to you and your whims.
The audacity Avoidants have to think they're protecting themselves by doing to others what they fear- abandonment. How do you expect someone to love you when you treat them like your favorite person one minute, then the next you treat them like a stranger with benefits? That's selfish and terrifying.
Your statement is so selfish calling out others for being selfish if you know how to interact with others teach them mf literally ask them why they are the way they are. do you think were really happy living this way i was emotionally neglected just like my brother im the more bubbly one but my brother is kind of like a robot and i know this because i know people better that ive known for a year and barely know anything about my brother. I still have a hard time going up to random people and starting a conversation it takes balls to deal with this shit. But its good for you that you know how to form a strong relationship.
Avoidants don't fear abandonment... they fear enmeshment.
Learn to grow some sympathy for others. I dont think any of us likes having an insecure attachment style. It takes a lot of self-reflection and work to heal. And many of us don't even learn till way later in life that what our struggles are is actually childhood trauma and there is a path to heal. So annoying how many people point fingers at avoidants with zero compassion for the childhood pain they suffered. (And no, I am not avoidant. But I do have empathy for them. Something strongly lacking in this community).
@@silverscreamqueen fair enough
Let them work on their own journey and you work on yours. That is the quickest way for people to understand what is going on. (And by quick, I mean that is the quickess way compared to any other route, but it can still take a long time)
@@corygall2340teach them? This is about relationships, not therapy. People are looking for a partner not a patient.
'I want someone close but not close enough to allow them to hurt me'. But they're the ones dispensing the hurt...
You need to take responsibility here for your owm hurt. You maybe starting relationships but yet hold a barrier against them to actually prevent them been in the relationship fully. Work on yourself. Leave people alone until you are ready for the commitment it takes.
As an avoidants the comments here are hideous and neglect that most people with ‘anxious’ attachment style have some mental health issue, depression, borderline personality etc. You chase us because you know no one else will put up with you, we open up to you, give you a chance and then you go over the top and start stalking or whatever. I’m not saying we’re perfect, but it’s a bit rich for the people that bring so much drama upon us to be so nasty. You are better with a secure person, as are we.
@@jaybee4288 yea they probably neglect to remember there is a personalty disorder because they are trying to deal with the trauma themselves. What you seem to be forgetting is how F hard it is to live with someone with a personality disorder that doesn't want to work on themselves. "Stalking"?? for answers to how much pain you inflict shows how F detached you are and how far up your own hole you are. Some people learn, some don't. I see you didn't 🙄
Yep. While playing the victims..
@@jaybee4288 we get traumaa bonded. If you know the amount of surffering we go through you wouldn't be so harsh. Bit avoidant people are selfish too... I wish never to entertain one. You rob souls of joy
Don’t date avoidants. It’s never gonna end well. Unless you like jumping through hoops to get almost nothing and then get blindsided with a breakup from the avoidant
Just learned this the hard way
Flaming hoops at that lol. Thankfully I realized what was going on and broke up with my avoidant ex GF 6 months ago. Only about 5 years late, but better late than never.
Spot on!!!
We need some kind of recovery support group for people who have survived these relationships
Fr
These monsters
Fucking hell
Pls ❤
Please
the solution is simple. leave. the moment they back out, they give mixed signals, leave. there is no point sticking around somebody who does not want to be close to you. so useless.
I did no contact for two months after he ended it. He ended it because I asked to see him more than once a week. Seriously! I reached out to him after the two months. He showed up with flowers and an apology. We had two more very fun dates and then he was right back to not responding to messages, cancelling plans etc. I'm done. I gave him an opportunity to change and get it right and he blew it. I've spent the last three weeks crying and brokenhearted. No more. Do yourself a favor and run from these guys. They are all charming and attentive in the beginning. Then once they hook you, their true colors show. It's NOT you, remember that.
Are you still done with him? What you said was spot on. I did that dance for 20 years. Did no contact for 11 months, she came back, was great for two weeks, then right back to the usual. Will never date an avoiding again.
Yes he got some upset when I asked for more time. I don't think it was bc he was seeing anyone else. He felt I was criticizing the time he was giving
the key is - once they hook you..... exactly. During the honeymoon phase it's great because it's mutual attraction and excitement, but then us normals in time will start to move towards a deepening connected and meaningful relationship and investing - meanwhile the avoidant doesn't go there, and in secret doing deactivating strategies and everything to suppress any emotional connections - so once you're entering the more invested stage, it's lopsided - and they've got you - and so now they no longer want you around - you are a nuisance with all your emotional closeness - it will never go back to being good - that stage is dead and gone and can't be revived or built upon. Now for them, it's about how to keep distance and all their distancing strategies will be employed and you will never see anything that resembles a partner in a romantic relationship - just a person resisting closeness in everything and everywhere - just move on and don't look back
It's not just the guys . The girl I was seeing was exactly like this. Very manipulative and a player and narcissist.
@@carissaj3560 omg yes! It’s very gaslighting they make it it’s you when you just want to deepen the connection. I’m pretty self sufficient and really don’t ask for much. Ridiculous. And funny enough if they were more giving we’d be at peace and they’d have more independence! Just stupid all around. People don’t want to be starved for love and care.
It’s such an injustice that we have to work for them but they don’t have to work for us.
Refuse that in balance. I'd rather be by myself than deal with a situation which only feeds the other.
You don't have to do anything. Leave them.
We don't. It's best to just walk.
well you correct that injustice by leaving an avoidant and make a different choice - just because we feel a connection when we meet someone that doesn't mean we should consider them to be partner material. Avoidants will be your worst choice in that department
As a reconverting avoidant, I would like to apologize to all of you on our behalf. Our feelings really throw us for a loop.
My only advice is leave them the hell alone and move on with your life. These people are impossible until they see their disfunction. No thanks. So emotionally immature.
This, fr!
That’s what I said to me ex no thanks , you’re not ready for a relationship good buy, I see them as immature
Zero emotional maturity. Zero accountability. Zero empathy. Zero Contact. And absolutely ZERO respect. These people are like walking zombies
Spot on!
AMEN!
Being with an avoidant is exhausting, emotionally draining. If you are anxious, just leave a skid mark with an Avoidant. It's always their terms, push and pull. Walking on egg shells, ignoring you, then love bombing. If your smart, just move on and find someone better matched to your attachment style. You give them space because you have no choice they ignore you. Why be with someone like this? Not healthy in a relationship. They have all the power, and keep pressing your boundaries. Is that what you deserve??? I say no. I tried for 2 years, it was nothing but constantly worried what I did wrong when they ignored me. Wasn't fair, just communicate you need space. Nope, ghost and then see them on social media interacting it up with others. Really?
7yrs here and had I known about attatchment styles years ago,I would have bolted then. Draining at its best, finally woke up and I'm at peace without this nut in my life.
I need you to look up the word Narcissist Please do your research on these people and you'll get your answers good luck😇🙏🏽 Love yourself first
You described it perfectly. Social media is their playground but can leave you in silence for weeks.
@@adoptioncorner1984 exactly. I called it out. Ghosted forever. I blocked him everywhere in my life. Good riddance. Let him Get ego feed from someone else.
How can one differentiate between an avoidant and narcissist
Basically leave them alone and expect nothing. That's what I've learned. I sort of don't care anymore and it's great. Of course he's reached out again and I've replied and then I back off. Again.. and that seems to work. But it's not a real relationship. Part time seems to work for them. But not me. So I've moved on.
Same pb here. I'm tired
Definitely a guessing game which I’m never in the mood for
Like it 👍
Been thr done tht
"Part time seems to work for them, but not me."
Same here. I'm in the process of moving on but I'm sad... and anxious. But i gotta let it go for good. Too much hot and cold and hot and cold for me as an anxious-attacher.
After this video my conclusion is - avoid the avoidant
Just ignore them. Trust me as an avoidant nothing will drive me more crazy than ignoring me
Why is that???
because it shows that they dont care@@releasetoreceive
Why would I ever bother. I move on.
@@willjohnson4738yay..playing a game of who cares the least..that's sucks..catch u later
Thanks
If you find yourself with an avoidant… RUN!!
They are hard work. You will wear yourself out for nothing. They will keep you feeling unsure and insecure. Keep yourself free so the right person is able to come into your life and give you want you need and want.
Needed this. Thank you 😭
Absolutely. Run from anxious attached people too. Anyone at these extremes need to be left alone ❤
@@missmadelinesadventures3278 I agree! They need to go work on themselves to create healthy relationships.
@@missmadelinesadventures3278 Hmm, you don't need to run from anxious attached people quite like an avoidant because they won't abandon you to even a fraction of a degree in carelessness that an avoidant would, but I do agree they have some undesirable traits that aren't ideal.
This is an impossible situation. If you give them their space you’re giving them a free pass to come in and out of your life as they please.I’m exhausted.
Finally, we have to increase our self love before loving others.
@@speakenglish_learnindonesia sure it increase, increase, increase and if it still doesn`t work... increase... increase..increase.. and repeat and repeat. Oh! You still don`t love yourself enough!?!? Repeat and repeat!
Yeah. You get them back after they had own space and banged the football team.
exactly literally told him you cant come in and out of my life as you please. but then again it goes both ways cause we let them in and out of our life.
A free pass, and also, its torture if you're the anxious partner 🥺
I'm the avoidant type. Even I can't put up with myself 😅
They inevitably create exactly what they are afraid of.
BINGO
As a DA, that's what I have realized and is the crazy part.
We need counseling for possibly past trauma.
I have come to terms with being alone becayse I don't want my self-healing to cause others harm.
As an avoidant I must say your are exactly right
Exactly. So sad to see, but you can't help, they have to want to help themselves and often can't even see the cycle they're stuck in. So they just keep going in circles with no progress and wonder "why oh why do things never work out?"
Yes, being abandoned
I have a secure attachment style and avoidant people just don't work for me. By the time they come back, I already found a great person to be in a healthy relationship with. Leave them to figure out their own issues, don't waste your time!
This, I have been single for a couple years and recently tried dating, turns out I ended up with an avoidant and that is now over. I just can’t tolerate this behaviour.
I am proud of myself though, I have never been a secure- I grew a lot in these two years alone
Good for you! 😊
Yes!! This is the boat I'm in and I'm so happy. To deprive oneself of a healthy relationship is self harm. I hate hearing the "if youre anxious or avoidant date secure." HA! We are not wellness centers for insecure attachments.
We're all better off encouraging insceure to study securely attached relationships and practice being securely attached. Hearing date secure if you're insecure is basically putting more pressure on us to manage insanely toxic situations we should never be a part of in the first place.
Secure here too lol..my ex avoidant ghosted me ,for no reasons. I did not try to figure out what happened. I let him go. 5 month later , last week ..he came back to wish me a happy birthday..I politely responded thank you. He then tried small talk to which I did not not answer. He is still trying small talk about pretty much every thing..Olympics games, politics, arts ...I do not answer. Genuinely, my heart is definitely closed. I feel pity for him. I wish him well far away and hope he stops to text me.
@@Ari_Tex Good for you! You deserve someone who will cherish you.
The lies , constant days of no contact , I had enough . I have found peace in realizing there’s better out there
Avoidants seem high maintanced and selfish. "I want you to love me but on my terms" and "love me but leave me alone..." Sounds like an emotionally immature position to me. Perhaps advoidants would be best matched with other avoidant personalities..
Thanks for your comment
@@chrisseitercoaching Thank you for studying them and informing others about this type of attachment style. It’s so eye opening. I am not an avoidant but have dealt with some romantically and within my family. It’s nice to get perspective of their psyche. I really appreciate your research and studies to help inform the rest of us! 🌟 ALSO, have just subscribed because your channel ROCKS & is SOOOOO INCREDIBLY KNOWLEDGEABLE! 🤩
@@annakhylnn1643 No thank you.
It is, they are real solid in their "boundaries" but it all serves them only.
@@dennisrobinson8008 EXACTLY.
They are only meant to be side pieces to be 1000% honest with y’all… avoidants are for recreational use only 😂
Also they fear being invisible buuuut they treat others like they are invisible so treat them like they are and find a primary partner.
Why share your body or even deal with someone that doesn’t respect you? Avoidant’s are to be avoided
This comment got me weak 💀
Yup
@@jadakiara1257exactly side pieces are a disgusting way of living.
If you are an anxious dating an avoidant, just leave them before it is too late. You don't deserve this torture. I have learned my lesson. They don't have the capability to understand you. They are non-functional in a relationship. Period.
They don't like to communicate like an adult, they prefer to run away instead of solve a problem. They're selfish, they don't compromise, they won't meet you in the middle and the breakup is always sudden that's crazy 😢
@@belindatheus9829 I'm sorry you had to go through this. Avoidants who work on themselves are not like this. Regardless of the past, the most imp is growth mentality and hunger to learn. Owning mistakes is a start. If you don't see that in your partner, time to re-evaluate.
@@belindatheus9829I’m sorry you went through this. What you’re describing happened to me last week and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life
Why is it that it is expected that the anxiously attached needs to change and give the avoidant the space they need? What about the avoidant learning to give the other the connection they need? Relationships are a two way street. My experience is that anxiety increases, the avoidant stonewalls you, and it is only a matter of time before the anxious one loses all their confidence and self trust. It is a no win situation. You are incompatible with each other.
I agree it’s a two way street. I am more of the anxious type however I can be patient and give space but when I get no response after expressing myself I feel neglected. There’s no communication. How could you have a relationship if there’s no communication? It’s a two way street. We cannot always do the work and give space. What about us? How could we meet in the middle? And maybe it’s not the avoidant type maybe they just no longer care and that’s okay. Wish we could get the truth instead of waiting around for them to be ready to speak to us. That’s so toxic.
Nobody can tolerate this without becoming anxious
Truer words were never spoken. Indeed, rels are definitely a 2 way street. "Compromise" is a word my avoidant ex GF will never be able to grasp.
Don't date an avoidant or an anxious person.
"When they pull back you pull back" sounds like a great relationship 😂😂
Pure love ❤
😂
This is what I’ve been doing- it’s effective, but boring and draining and I’m done with it now
Instead of allowing someone in a relationship to neglect the needs and feelings of his/her partner when they pull back they need to be called out about the inconsideration of their partner's needs and feelings! I'm of the teaching that if you have fears of intimacy, that needs be overcome! A fear of intimacy should NOT be coddled or enabled! Pulling back is never okay! It's neglect of the emotional needs of someone else that needs to be addressed! Do NOT enable their fears!
AGREE- CALL THEM OUT 😊 but only a secure person and conscious person would be able to call them out without fearing to lose them cos it is really no loss to lose someone who can’t fulfill you emotionally and it is also a waste of time - been there done that, working on oneself is the best thing we can do for ourselves 😅
Avoidants are narcissist lite, basically. Being in a relationship with one is hell. They wield all the power. The relationship moves when they want it to, and stalls when they want to stall it. It's a mind fuck to try to deal with, and they are absolutely emotionally draining to all hell. they're broken people, many of whom cannot be fixed, because they don't want to be fixed. It is a hobby to them to say how messed up they are and to stay in victimhood.
Spot on
Maybe if they were truly victimized theyll learn
They can be fixed they just need unconditional love, the kind their mothers should’ve given them when they were 3 years old, but never received. If they truly have avoidant personality disorder that is. I actually have that and found out I was severely emotionally neglected as a kid. Still trying to figure out how to fix it but apparently that’s the only way is to be in a healthy loving relationship. As a guy I’m pretty much gonna die without ever having been in a relationship. Yay me
Actually they can be fixed, if they do the work. My husband is proof of that. And I know many other avoidants who have stepped up to heal their wounds.
@@scuffy1211 IF they step up. Many choose to acknowledge it and do nothing, while holding their lovers hostage. Those are shitty people who have turned their personality disorder into a hobby.
It cannot be fixed without admitting there is a problem, recognizing there is a problem and then being willing to do the inner work to fix it. Many will never bother.
I find it interesting that it’s usually the anxious one that has to put in most of the effort in order to work with an avoidant. And that avoidants rarely do any work to help the other person. Avoidents I’m my opinion have a form of narcissism. It’s not healthy to try and have a relationship with these types of people, but especially if they don’t show any sign of putting in effort to change
Agree. I sometimes think that all narcissists are avoidant as they cannot attach.
I thought for once in my life that she just wasn't in to me as an entity. The more I tried to please her the more awkward it became. She deliberately engineered the break up after four months but made it appear that I ended it. It's taken getting on for two months of no contact for me to research and conclude 'fearful avoidant attachment' is her condition. I won't contact her although it's tempting, just to broach the subject. Difficult to tell without a discussion, if she is even aware of her condition. Could be in denial...
Not typical because I had to subsidise her financially very heavily so that she could survive, so it may just have been a case of exploitation...or rather, prostitution!
So true
@@Tiggerinas hey, be careful.
You're behaving like a fixer and that's not a healthy dynamic.
She's an adult, she should work on herself through therapy but when she's ready, not when we want to.
I'm saying this because I was in your shoes and it was exhausting saving people here and there.
Some don't even want help so it's better to find different kinds of people who want to grow and give instead of being parentified by their partners.
Seeing this just makes me straight up hate life. Maintaining relationships are becoming rocket-science on top of all the job and life pressures. I miss the world which relationships were only about meeting someone with shared interest, feelings, respect and having a lifelong happiness afterwards...
Feeling your comment. WTF happened?!
Demoralization, loss of principles, lack of standards, and patriarchy!
To quote a thread on /r/breakups
“To everyone who was dumped by a dismissive/avoidant partner
I can't stress enough how much better you deserve. They probably blindsided you, put all the blame on you and all the typical stuff and it's very easy to think you deserve it. You don't. You can't sustain a relationship without mutual trust or communication. You shouldn't have to have a fucking degree on psychology to understand your partner triggers or cope with the brutal way they abandoned you. You shouldn't be the only one figuring out the problems in the relationship and trying the way to fix it. You didn't need to be perfect for them to stay in that relationship because THAT. IS. NOT. FAIR. They probably weren't the ones doing research on how to communicate or having a bare minimum of respect towards you and talking about the issues on the relationship. Reflect on why you think you deserve that because, after 3 months on therapy I've learned that my relationship went for that long because I had very low self-esteem and became very submissive because I thought that was the love I deserved. When I stood up for my needs I was hysterical or needy.
I know how is to feel alone in a relationship. I know how it feels being wronged on the relationship and still think you want them back. I know how it feels to be the only truly vulnerable on the relationship and have it weaponized it against you during the breakup. I know how it feels to trust someone blindly only to discover how wrong you were after the breakup, after they don't have to keep up with that "character". I'm very sorry you're hurting but you deserve someone who wants to be with you, flawed or not, and that actively works with you to make the relationship work. The best thing you can do is be glad that you got out of that relationship and use it to get better and start loving yourself. Don't ever settle for less, don't ever ignore the red flags, don't ever forgive things that shouldn't be forgiven.”
A WORD! 🗣️🎙️
Great advice, except for the last sentence. We must forgive, because we are all imperfect humans who make errors at some point in our lives. It is the law of nature.
Those who avoid are best avoided. Let them get a taste of their own medicine and karma. They just aren't worth it.
@Anna Claro Leave him forever
Yes, let us go find another avoidant who is actually compatible with us. Why are you so hell bent on trying to fix a puzzle piece that simply wasn’t designed to fit next to you? Instead of cutting us apart and jamming us in with the sightly wrong shade of color, let us move to the part of the puzzle we belong in. In other words, thanks for moving on, stalker.
@@TuckerParrotc you are actually avoidant of being avoidant which is kinda funny. Btw are you on this platform if you don't fit in this particular box. Seems you're the stalker hon. But to be fair you are entitled to your opinion as everyone else is entitled to theirs. Peace out!
@@user-pg8zs5yp8u I’m the opposite of a stalker, because I have been terrified by them before I go out of my way to not give off red flags of being a stalker. You are projecting.
@@TuckerParrotc ain't stalkin anyone as I have better things to do with my life and my plate is full enough. I just chanced upon the video which I thought to be interesting while enjoying a bit of down time. Thanks but I don't have time or energies to waste especially on low vibing people who aren't worth it in the first place. Deuces!
The avoidant needs years of therapy
WHAT'SPP ME
Facts, that's exactly what I suggested to the one I previously dated!
True but the one I was with found it hard to self- reflect, be accountable or apologize. I don't see him ever trying therapy.
I walked away. The roller coaster, games, instability, whiplash, and inconsistency are a hard no for me. I cared about him so I stayed for years but I'm not going to live in a place of lack living off breadcrumbs. I deserve the opposite.
I.. choose.. me ❤
Good for you, I only dated this guy 3 months and I’m an anxious mess
My personal advice as a person who dated an avoidant. DO NOT do it. Do not date or marry an avoidant. They never change and whether you are secure or not, you will never get your needs met and you will be miserable. Instead, find someone who is compatible to you, who will love you, cherish you and choose you over anyone and in any situation. Elevate your self worth and know you deserve better.
I'm an avoidant and my boyfriend is an anxious the way we found to make the relationship work is by having a better ways of communication and couples therapy to help us understand and heal our childhood trauma that caused us to have the attachment style we have. We both are working in becoming a secure attachment style.
If you’re both aware and working on yourself then I think there is hope
That’s wonderful, best of luck for both of you ❤
You're the youre one of the 0.00000000001 % of avoidants. Congratulations on your self awareness
Question: Why don’t you just stop avoiding reality and his needs and be a better partner? Doesn’t take ANY therapy to just change your behavior and do the right thing
@@PeteMD It's not that simple. Trauma is difficult to heal.
The moment someone is more distant and I feel anxious and sad, I BECOME DISTANT AND STOP CARING.
Strikes me as the emotionally wise thing to do.
This is exactly what happened with me, new relationship and he’s being avoidant and I am no longer interested
Same.
I FORGIVE
BUT BYE
GOD “ ONLY “ deserves that type of ❤️
You’re lucky then
After watching so many video i realize self respect and self love is best thing.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now❤❤
yes, but at the same time the hardest to practise
What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant is they walk away. They don’t care about you. Your life will be better without them. It will hurt for a little bit, but overall will be better. Forget about them. They are damaged and you can’t fix them.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
“The wicked run when no one is chasing them.” Proverbs 28:1
😂😂😂
😂😅
Love this
🤣🤣
Oh my 😂😂😂
Hope my story helps provide more insight. I wasn’t really aware of my avoidant personality traits until few years back. I am so naturally introverted and avoidant and I didn’t even need to go through a breakup to become like this. Once a relationship looked like it was getting too serious, I just felt this sudden rush and urge to back off, run away and hide and it starts with ignoring calls, texts and just being distant. I shattered two people’s hearts and truth is that at the time, I was naive and didn’t truly realize how bad I hurt them. I genuinely felt I was doing them a favour and ignored them despite their incessant begging. Mind you, avoidants genuinely fall in love but the only issue is they fall out of love quickly and, most importantly, first before you so they usually mentally process the breakup ahead of time.
Well, the universe has millennia of experience in dishing out karma and boy oh boy, was mine ten-fold. Well, I met a narcissist, of the worst kind, the one whose sole mission in life is to make you fall in that addictive heart wrenching love and then dump you in the worst possible way. She played her game so strategically and patiently, and just when I opened myself up and fell deep for her, she dumped me like some banana peel. It felt so strange, me that usually pulls away was dying from the lack of contact. To make matters worse, she accepted me back only to dump me few weeks later again in a more heartless fashion! The tables had turned; me who had always been the one been sought after and chased, was the one calling, crying, begging, debasing myself just to be seen or noticed by this girl. And as you guessed, she did nothing to alleviate the pain. It’s a miracle I’m okay now because I legit got suicidal from the pain and anguish back then. Then, and only then, did I realize how much pain I had caused my exes whom I now have so much respect for because they were able to heal and move on. The point I’m making with this is that even the avoidant that is toying with you, will get his own piece of poetic justice. Every negative energy created is balanced out eventually one way or another. Leave them alone and trust in the cosmic energy to fight your battle.
On a more personal note, I realized my shortcomings and now I ALWAYS clearly and unambiguously state my intentions from the very beginning and repeat it constantly. If it’s just sex, I reiterate it so no one gets the wrong idea. And I never ever lead them on. I’m currently single and I’ve promised myself that I will never deceive anybody until I’m sure I’m ready to commit and stick to my decision. Getting my own heart broken showed me how dangerous and hurtful my own personality trait could be towards others and I’m trying to work on it everyday.
Hey! :) What do you think makes avoidants fall out of love quickly and how can that be changed?
Karma
@@abbaforever92obvious being clingy, naggy will do it
Well I hope she'll realize it too. All of my exes are avoidant especially the 2nd and the last one. I'm proud of myself I was able to detach and heal myself. Whenever we're not okay, they doesn't communicate. They always avoid the bullet and leave. What's even worse was they always blame me. It's draining.
I wasn't praying for Karma. I always pray they'll realize what they're doing. Don't send energy into the universe that you wouldn't like coming back to you. because I believe that you get tenfold what you put out. :)
About the processing of the breakup part, most coached say that avoidants process the breakup way later like 3-4 months, and you’re saying they process it even before the breakup… how is that true?
Just dump them. Not worth the trouble. Life is too short for games with crybabies, weirdos, and narcissists.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Facts
Seems to me an avoidant will die alone and live a pretty lonely life. I think at some point they will run everyone in their life away. I can see them being the ones who look around and say nobody loves me, I’m so lonely, why can’t I get a partner, etc etc. They have to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I find they are intolerant of everyone so they dismiss them
. They never look in the mirror as to their part in the situation
The solution is simple. Leave him be and move one. Why should you spend so much energy, grief and so on and he's just behaving like a silly child.
If they want a relationship, they should communicate with their partner, trust them and so on ...
Relationships are all about evolving, developing one and other, with this in mind Avoidents are clearly stuck in limbo going nowhere, causing anxiety in the people who love them and themselves knowing what their doing is wrong, subconsciously they know they are missing out, stifling their growth. I’ve recently experienced this and it’s no fun. This video has cemented my understanding and lifted the anxiety. I was seriously beginning to doubt myself, it was draining my positive energy. Therapy is the only answer for Avoidents, feeding them is folly. My advice to Avoidents, have faith, let go and take a chance, doing so is better than living in the dark. Great video 👍
Great comment 👏🏾
Thanks for commenting
I wish my DA would have taken a chance on us
@@adoptioncorner1984 someone else will! Move on. I just did and found myself again. All the best
I once took a chance...and got burned big time. No thanks. I'd rather have mediocre than to experience that kind of pain.
The ironic is they want space from anxious but refuse to give the vulnerability that an anxious needs. Totally one-sided relationship.
I'm an anxious and she's avoidant. She broke things off and after about 1 month, I learned to give her space. I deleted her social media and have gone no contact. You want space? Here you go. 2 months post breakup and I'm finally healing.
She came back or even tried to contact you.. I am asking because I just blocked my avoidant partner on every social media
@@hariomsingh9200 There's been a couple instances where she's reached out about this or that but has not yet mentioned anything about getting together to talk about our relationship. She watches my insta stories and reached out on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, which I was polite and thanked her for. That was 3 months ago and no messages. Just a curious avoidant ex that orbits my social media. Oh well. All power to you for blocking your ex, that's hard to do.
Wanting to be be someome that can't match your emotional language or you trying to be a different person to not trigger them is the recipe for abuse ..
Between avoidants and npd there's a fine line .Anyway you will end up drained and not loved ..but hoping for that firsts times they meet you and they seem so connected ..but that same feeling you will never have again ..theyll have it with new people but not with you .face this and accept it and move on. You holding on an impossible makes you an avoidant too ,because you are making space for them while rejecting everyone else because in the meantime you idealized and put on a pedestals a person that in reality can't pass the romantic initial state ,they can't make bonds that's the next step from a romantic connection.They can't .
It sounds like a description of a narcissist. It's like the narc is only interested in you during the love bombing stage.
Well put, that was my exact experience glad I finally gave up and moved on.
So true!
I have an avoidant (who keeps trying to initiate the chase) I've completely withdrawn. COMPLETELY. Now the avoidant is up my butt. It's a turn off. The manufacturered drama, the back & forth... chyl BYE! I expressed today that I'm no longer vested & I'm not giving anything to the relationship anymore.
They only chase when you’re not interested, once you become interested they back away again
I just learned I am an avoidant...I just want to say it isn't on purpose and I really wish I wasn't that way and don't want to be that way anymore...I always felt like the bad guy in the relationship but didn't know why, now I see it very clearly.
You don't leave a covert narc, you escape them. Avoidants are covert narcissists.
I think so too
I’m thinking so too
Covert narc … thinking so. A lot of words and no action. Wasnt demeaning just disappears n spends their energy doing who knows what bc they dont share
Yes... I think so too.
jokes on you, nothing to pull back if you're blocked
This hurts because it's true but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this! Thanks for that
Lol
It's not a laughing or joking matter, I got blocked after 3 years and I am devastated
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
@@adoptioncorner1984me too
Just leave them. They just don't have genuine desire for you. There is someone better out there for you trust me. I did it. 😊
Simple advice...focus on yourself...don't wait on anyone and if they avoid...it's their choice...why you should solve it? Let them be and act in your life like you never met them. Because if someone refuse to be presented in your life, it's not your job fix them.
I am definitely an anxious attachment style but I think these issues are much more complex than people realize. I’m probably attracted to avoidant types because deep down I’m avoidant myself. If someone was pursuing me or calling me all the time or wanting all my attention all the time I would feel smothered and totally turned off. The truth is I need a lot of space myself and am very independent so any sign of someone coming on too strong or being too needy or trying to control me would probably turn me off. I’m much more comfortable being the one to pursue rather than be pursued and I have to chose who I want, not be chosen by someone else. But then when I’m involved with an avoidant it’s very triggering to my anxious attachment style, yet I have to admit that I probably feel more comfortable in that type of connection. But instead of being able to acknowledge or accept that society shames women if they are the ones who pursue or makes women feel bad if the guy isn’t doing X, Y, Z like it’s a reflection of her doing something wrong.
Same!!!! Wow I never thought about myself as the avoident. I'm just like you tho.. but if I'm the one who chooses him then I get anxious and I want to commit. I don't worry about losing independence in those cases...but my avoident lovers on other hand...
My experience exactly! Thanks for articulating it so well!
This is so true!!
@ Jennifer McKenney, you have described me! I am just as you have described and you described your anxious attachment style with great clarity that I can relate to. Thanks!💡
You sound like a fearful avoidant-not an anxiously attached. I know because I’m the exact same way. It’s like a mix of anxious and avoidant, and different people bring out the different sides to you.
Why are you teaching people with anxious attachment style to cater to the avoidant attachment? That seems odd to me. Instead of having the avoidant work on their issues...
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Bingo! Avoidants should not be in a relationship until they have healed so they don’t harm those who try to love them.
I have since changed my view on this lol I feel more understanding of where a person is at and working with them on it, if you would like. It's not necessarily catering but more of an understanding of another person. Though, I still agree that an avoidant should be working on themselves as well. Being loving towards oneself and understanding where their loneliness comes from. Healing seems like a life long process, so we can't expect someone to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. Having said that, you also have to accept where a person is and not fall in love with their potential. So, if you are not being treated well and the other person doesn't want to change or is not willing to work on their issues, then it's a problem. Also if they don't seem to be improving after you've tried to work on it for a while. At some point, you have to say you deserve better.
Because some might got
married ..
And ending a marriage is a big thing all around the world... So if some one is not able to leave that marriage with an avoidant person
Least they can do is learn how to live with them and protecting their mental health.
Dated an avoidant for 2 months who wanted casual but I wanted a relationship. Thought I could do casual but after another 2 months I had it with flakey bare minimum so I ended it after having had two conversations stating require more committment. He was somehow shocked because he thought we were going so well and things were getting better and better. It was only getting better for him because I was the only one putting in any effort and he was just simply showing up with no plans and no idea. Went no contact. Two weeks later he turns up saying "I regret alot in my life and this isn't something I want to regret" and "when I thought about what I wanted in a partner it was you so we are exclusive". 7 weeks later he rocks up a couple days after our first real conversation and unexpectedly ends things brutally like a spastic just saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" and offering no other explanation saying "I know why but I don't want to say it". . Umm excuse me.. you're not ready for the relationship that you wanted 7 weeks ago.. told him "do you think this is something you're gonna regret" all he says is "don't use my weakness against me". Then texts me 5 days later thanking me for being there for him through a rough time he had and how much he appreciated me. Regret much? Haven't replied. He can go use someone else's heart as a trampoline.
Sorry for your experience, my avoidant fiancé just broke up with me one week after the engagement… they’re really toddlers we shouldn’t take them seriously
@@muhamedadel2012 whaaat!? Are you serious?? Are you okay?
Yes toddlers explains it perfectly. They may look like fully grown adult human beings but whats behind the wheel is for sure a triggered toddler having an emotional break down tantrum without any care to the hearts, minds and souls of the ones that truly love them. They're emotionally stunted and developmentally arrested at a childlike stage in their life regardless of them looking and seemin like a fully formed adult. Its all from their parents which is typically two also emotionally immature and psychologically inept individuals irresponsibly reproducing and passing on their trauma to the next generation
@@333Liana I’m trying to get over the traumatic experience… all the explanation she gave me was that she was not happy in the relationship, this was after a text she had sent me saying how much she was glad with the engagement and how she loved me for who I am…. So much for loving 😅
Yes, a toddler is what you get - even if you are in a relationship with an avoidant, is it even a relationship worth having? If you want an emotional and intimate connection, a partnership, reciprocity, and you are a full-grown adult and required having adult conversations with your partner, and navigating the difficulties of life and sharing that journey with your partner, then you've made a particularly POOR choice to do life with an avoidant. So even if they come back, think long and hard about why you don't care about any of your own needs and expectations and are throwing them out the window for basically a body, and a distancing one at that, because not only are they unable to cope with any closeness or reveal themselves authentically, basically living in their perpetual toxic invulnerability, this permeates their worldview and their outlook on life, love, the future, etc etc.... is all about how they're going to 'go it alone' in spite of pretending they're competent to be there with you. The incompetency to be a romantic partner is akin to a toddler - this cannot be changed by someone other than themselves through therapy work, and you're fooling yourself if you think things are somehow going to change by investing in them
Reading this sounds exactly like the guy I dated. Wow… so sad how avoidants play with your heart instead of taking out the time to heal and work on the behavior…
Avoidents need to nurture their avoiding skills and keep out of 'normal' people's way. Save a lot of people a lot of anxiety!
Trying to communicate my feelings with my ex avoidant only served to hurt me. He said it seems like he’s always “in trouble” with me. What a crock of 💩. He just couldn’t handle having an adult conversation. Coward.
'in trouble' is how a child feels lol - sounds spot on
Basically what we have learned is avoid avoidant attachment styles. Bc they're selfish assholes who are incapable of empathy or actually caring about another human being. Or at least that's my experience
Also known as covert narcissist
I have been married to one going on 9 years. I’m healthier now, learned of my trauma, got sober, more mindful. If I was healthy back then I would’ve never married him. I’ve learned that by doing this dance I enabled this dance of his unresolved trauma and kept reliving an old identity of mine (my past abandonment trauma) that no longer served me. For those that are avoidants, being a wife to one that I have loved dearly and have been there for him every step of the way even when I was alone in the relationship because that is what it is to be in relationship with you, please heal this. This is no way to thrive, years will pass and then you’ll wonder why one day you’re alone, you don’t let anyone in.
Damn....avoidants control the whole relationship...
no they don't - in the end you leave them.... and if you're smart - run and don't look back - you have the ultimate control - of your own actions and response - which is to leave them in your rearview mirror - move on and let them see your little fanny as you walk off far into the distance -time for you to realize you deserve better - fake it til you make it - and make it you will - because you are, we all are, deserving of better than this
Kinda funny- you're right. I didn't realize that until about 7 months ago and when we talked about a month after I ended things. I said, "You got everything you wanted out of this relationship, and I got pretty much nothing I wanted". She just looked at me- no rebuttal, no debate, no "I don't feel like that's an accurate statement, Joe", nothing but utter silence. It was incredible what she told me without saying a word.
only if you love them 😁 more than you love yourself
@@chiaraA. see your what as you walk off???? lmao. I think you need to google what the English definition of what that word means.
@@simonthewatchguy6073 little behind?
The best advice is to avoid dating an avoidant. The pain and misery they will make you feel is not worth it.
Go for who wants what you want, avoidants are EVIL!
Not evil. Just infantile, lazy, and entitled.
I think when dealing with avoidants, one has to be emotionally stable and self aware enough to realize that avoidants are simply who they are, and if you don't like how your avoidant partner is showing up, it's ok for you to end the relationship, without having to demonise or call them names. I think if you view another humanbeing as narcissistic, to some extent you yourself are displaying narcissistic tendencies, because you want another person to be for you, what you can't be for yourself! We are all at different stages in our lives and we were not all raised by loving caretakers. So our attachment styles will always be different. Empathy goes a long way folks. If you are dating an avoidant and you can't deal with his or her disappearing acts, just love yourself enough to let go, without being emotionally charged or seeing them as selfish or however many describe them. There is someone out their waiting to love you, as you waste your time shaming an avoidant who isn't ready to heal their inner child!🤷🏾♀️
Most of these comments are from deranged stalker types projecting their own manipulative tendencies onto the elusive avoidant that does not want to be understood by that type of person. Your comment was refreshing and I appreciate it. Fundamentally, cluster b and cluster c are very different. I think one big difference is that Avoidant’s have better memories and always notice when we say something vulnerable and the anxious uses it to hurt us later. For ex, if I told my boyfriend that my childhood friends are disgusted by weed smokers and he gossiped with someone about me smoking it, and I found out about that gossip somehow (which would be hard for me to do because I respect boundaries, never pry, never look into devices). Stuff like that is usually he said she said. If I found out about it and cared enough to try and fix the broken trust rather than just ghost (unlikely), I’m taking a big risk because I have now just confirmed to a sadistic person this is the exact button you can push with these exact associates to hurt me in the future. The anxious watches a video like this and thinks “if they push away, I push away by breaking their trust and burning bridges.” Because they lack the self control and ability to entertain themselves with other friends and hobbies, to just forget about me and let me do my own thing for a week or so. They would rather meddle “and fix” and push away, hoping we will yo-yo back. I don’t play games. I set clear boundaries, and if you can’t handle them, I can’t handle you. We are not compatible. I become close friends or date an avoidant, sometimes we don’t tell for weeks or months at a time, and neither of us care. We are RELIEVED when the other person doesn’t go psycho stalker mode and make us cut ties with them. And we are lonely because the majority of people are anxious attachment and simply not compatible with us, but will try to pretend to be and play games like we are some kind of trophy and not just a person with solid boundaries and extremely perceptive and organized memories. We care about our independence more than anything, and we fear falling in love with someone who strives to strip that away some day.
What a mature healthy opinion 🙌👌👌Thanks for sharing 👍
Absolutely agree. No judgement needed. We all struggle. No one needs shaming. If one is at an healthy stage when it comes to relationships they won't feel that triggered, simply recognise it's not match and move on.
@@sunbeam9222 when we are emotionally healthy we get triggered less and we focus more on Accountability and Personal Responsibility. We simply Recognise, Accept what it is we are dealing with, we don't project, we simply "move on realising that this is not a match"....Next....I'm not big on shaming or name calling because i realise that there are areas in my life where I haven't come to consciousness and I would like others to be a little gracious towards me when I can't see clearly. I cannot expect empathy from others, if I can't offer it to others when they need it. Part of emotional maturity is not making it about us all the time. It's also got a lot to do with seeing things for what they are not what we wish they could be. I like the way you think @Sunbeam👊🏾
Avoidants are still accountable for their own behavior and treatment of others! It's never okay to justify neglecting the emotional needs of others that you are in a relationship with! Avoidants needs to be held accountable and get the help they need to be present and fulfilling partners to others!
Nope. Don’t want my avoidant EX back. Every conflict, argument or questioning he was out. Never could resolve any issues. Everything was on his terms. When you said I had enough he started saying everything I wanted to hear. Too late. I needed to get out of this toxic cycle.
same here, literally broke up with me everytime we had an "argument". argument in air quotes because it was basically just me talking and him being completely checked out of what i was saying. so bizarre because when things were good he was very good to me. but god forbid we have an issue, it was like a switch was flipped and he just wanted out, every single time. broke up about 5 times in just one year. the last time i just had enough, told him this was a sick cycle and i wasnt going to do it anymore.
@@reymariee Sounds familiar. 7 months, ending with the 3rd break up, always implied by her. Always arguments: like changing what I said in what she thinks it really is- me talking like crazy to correct, loosing all my energy. Most arguments happening in a small-good period or after a great day.
Ruining everything. ...
yep!
@@reymariee, I could have written this. 2.5 yr relationship and there were about 8 breakups because of our "arguments". If I did not agree with him, he would get quiet and sulk. Usually that behavior, indicates that a break is coming. Being involved with an avoidant has been the most painful and mentally exhausting relationship that I have ever experienced. It is a series of ghosting, forever walking on eggshells and fear. Always afraid of being discarded. We are now broken up. Thankfully. Finally off the merry go round. I think that I have aged 20 years just from this relationship alone.
@@madgestye1325 its so wild how much I can relate to all the replies comments here. I was in the exact same boat, everytime there was an issue it was completely one sided and she did not want to resolve, just went completely quiet and would withdraw, couldn’t even talk about it. You just never knew when she would be sweet to talk with again and this could last days. Mind you this would happen even after the nicest day together it didn’t matter, it was like self sabotage each time she knew things were great and we got closer it’s as if she had something ingrained in her mind to stop the closeness and fight about nothing and not meet in the middle for resolution so you just sit there fighting against a brick wall whilst they are checked out and not even there emotionally or mentally they aren’t even paying attention or trying to resolve with you, you are ultimately ignored over and over again.
That's true too. The avoidant type treats you the same way their offenders did. And they dont see it.
I wasted two years with an avoidant. Time that could have been better spent with a secure person
6 yrs of hell
I blocked her and told myself I’d never unblock, been 7 months so very painful but hope to move forward
Stay strong
@@nabilaoukhiat7247 trying been 20 months keep having lucid and vivid dreams recently about here it’s very hard not to reach out and check in
how can you love if you dont risk getting hurt....avoidants dont really love you they only want the illusion...
Being rather independent and having a busy and fulfilled life on my own I live by the mantra “I’m not going to hurt you - but I’m not going to chase you as well “. It works well, though it takes a lot of patience building up intimacy.
Do you need help
I will help you
WHAT'SPP ME
Literally just described my life, now I don't want to be with an avoidant at all..
It’s utterly ridiculous and pointless
I was in a recent relationship with an avoidant woman, I'm more of an anxious type guy (of course before we broke up I had never even heard of these terms). She's a bartender at a place I went after work to get a drink/dinner a few times a week. She actually asked me out, it was kinda cute. She wrote on my to-go box "When are we going to have a drink?" I was hesitant at first because I had been hurt pretty bad before, but I decided to give her a chance. The chemistry was off the charts, we had fun together, the sex was great, her kids tested me at first but I grew on them... it seemed like we were on a rocket to the moon for awhile. We had talked about moving in together, which was her idea. Then I got laid off from my job (I'm a union carpenter apprentice, and this is pretty common in the industry, but try explaining to a single mother with 3 kids that you might run out of work on occasion). She was very supportive at first, actually thrilled because I was using my new free time fixing shit around her house and watching her kids while she was at work, etc. Then she started pulling back, and that caused me to become confused and eventually depressed, which caused her to pull back even more, etc... She said I was just different and my attitude completely changed, but she assumed that was all because I was laid off and had nothing to do with the fact that she was acting different too, she became distant and that freaked me out, it seemed like everything was going wrong at once and I think I pushed her away in my attempt to fix things. I eventually got back to work but the damage had been done. We had a fight and she abruptly said she wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship. After about a month of me texting her occasionally, one of these videos randomly popped up on my recommended feed and I was shook. It was like he described our whole relationship to a T. So I decided it would be best to just focus on myself and leave her the hell alone. She texted me to wish me happy birthday (3 days before my actual birthday 😂) but I just said thank you and kept it brief. I stopped going to the bar, actually quit drinking entirely, picked up a bunch of overtime at the new job, started working out after work, bought a new truck. Fast forward 7 months, I texted her because I had left one of my tools at her house and I needed it for an apprenticeship class next week. She found it and I arranged to stop by to pick it up this weekend. Next thing I know she's asking how I'm doing and if I'm still single. I told her I was and she said, "That's surprising, you're a really great guy." I told her that dating wasn't really a big priority in my life right now. She said she hopes I don't hate her, and I told her of course I don't, i just wished she had handled things differently towards the end. She called me and we talked for an hour. Long story short we went out for lunch on Saturday. I'm keeping her at a distance because I went through a lot of pain to get over her but I feel like I kinda understand her now and there is a glimmer of hope for us if I just learn to take it slow and give her some space when she needs it. I've already dealt with the thought of losing her forever and I came out stronger than I was before, so maybe that's what was needed for us to have a real shot. If it doesn't work out, at least I have a better idea of what not to do in a relationship. Only time will tell, but I have optimism.
How long did you stop talking until she texted
@@tradingpsychologyacademy2025 so after we broke up June 7th I texted her a few different times without much in return. Basically just saying I missed her and this sucks. Stopped doing that after 2-3 weeks. Then a month and a half later she texted me Happy Birthday on the wrong day. I told her it wasn't my birthday yet but I appreciate it. She said hope you're doing well, just basic shit and then I went back to no contact. That was end of August. It wasn't until mid January that I tried to get my tool back from her and arranged to pick it up and she asked how I was doing and if I was still single. Then she called and we went to lunch the next day.
Whats ur situation right now?
@@mateuszd1381 He become avoidant and now he is ghosting us xd
This is the exactly the same script I went through.
Excellent video. It doesn't put blame or shame on anyone and gives practical advice.
I'm anxious-avoidant attachment style or disorganized attachment.
Those are exactly the things that bother me and will cause me to reflect on if I really want to be in the relationship with the other person. If I feel pressured by the other person, I'm more than likely not going to stay. I can achieve deeper levels of intimacy with someone if I don't feel pressured or controlled.
It is true that we have learned to deal with all of our emotions by ourselves. I'm breaking this habit by leaning on others and expressing my feelings more often.
We do like our space and we do like intimacy. We are still learning how to reconcile the two and learn how to get our needs met in a healthy way. We need patience and understanding from a partner, but you're under no obligation to put up with poor behavior or someone who is not willing to commit to you.
But in his comments, he very much places the blame on the avoidants, and is pretty insulting about it too.
You Are Sick.
Bc the blame is on the avoidants. Their partners have needs that need to be met too. Avoidants do not deserve to have their needs met if they are not willing to do the same for their lovers.
That’s really detrimental for a securely attached person, the hot and cold cycle will surely make any securely attached person lose that sense of security and confidence in a relationship.
I have to say, his video helped me see the avoidant personality in a way other videos haven’t. I dated an avoidant recently and I’m just trying to gain some understanding into the dynamics of what we went through. I’m mostly secure but can lean anxious when faced with a DA. Thank you!
Although I have a secure attachment, if I am getting to know someone that I feel that might be an avoidant, if confirmed it, I will jump out from it, right away! No, thank you! As a "secure" person, I know I can deal with the giving space and even understand the "hot & cold pattern", (due to fear). But, I would not be willing to do it. To be in an one sided relationship? Why? I agree with someone that wrote here, that is exhausting, and definitely secure people don't think avoidants are "sexy"...
Why do avoidants try to get into relationships, anyway?!?
Without therapy, all they do is to leave a path of hurt behind them... 🙄
I’m a secure who just got into a 3 month relationship with an avoidant, I was becoming anxious, so I dipped out.
This doesn’t seem like my idea of a good time
@@jenbodhi1133, very smart!
My update: Definitely an avoidant, working on himself, BUT with a long way to go. Although I do have compassion for him, things started getting really hard. Secure person here, but also, started feeling anxious and confused at certain times. When I was getting ready to have friendly and respectful conversation in person with him; (because it was very clear to both of us that things would not work long term) . He avoided me for a few days, then ended everything over the phone.
The secure person here, learned a valuable lesson with all of that. :)
@@jenbodhi1133 , smart person!!!
I love how toxicity has been given labels and then advice on how to manipulate it lol.
People who do these things or take part in it need to heal themselves then they wont be in these situations at all, period.
Avoidant people are completely messed up. Keep walking. They will never be happy and never make you happy. Don’t let anyone put you down for problem solving.
I used to be an anxious attachment style. I realized that I wasn't only anxious with my partners but with friends as well. I worked on myself, made my life the focus, and filled up my cup. I learned that I am worth being pursued; and that they can initiate the relationship; dates; and friendship too. I became more attractive and realized that if the partner or friend didn't call me, then oh well. It is not just them. YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOUR WORTH TOO!! Putting all the blame on avoidants makes you a victim. Reclaim your power. You will then attract people in your life without having to do all the effing work in the relationship.
They are narcissist too, just move on to another secure and treat you very well like you deserve
I’m an avoidant and I disagree with the “they pull away you pull away”. Over the years I’ve learned that we actually want to be open with you and make close connections but we need professional help to learn tools to do that.
because i see this through a spiritual lens i believe anxious and avoidant people attract each other because in reality we all attract what we see our worth as through other people. if i have abandonment issues that i haven’t healed from yet i will only attract people that will keep abandoning me and vice versa. the key is to work within yourself and then seek for the person that you desire. a healthy relationship. it’s like the saying that says “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first” otherwise everyone you keep attracting will only become a lesson to learn from. in the end we’re all just hurt souls who seek love that need to heal.
My avoidant ex has started therapy because he told me that he really does love me and knows he doesn't love me the right way. I've been setting boundaries and laying out what I expect. It's hard. I don't want to date much but I miss intimacy
Leave and NEVER look back! Don’t try harder! Don’t beat yourself up or loose sleep at night
Don’t think about what they do or who they talk to. None of it matters because whoever they replace you with is getting the SAME person you did.
Just run 🏃 and find a person who is healthy minded
if you can learn how to deal with it and can survive a few storms, they will be stable. I was a an avoidant years ago. I didn’t wanted to face my problems. But, years of fighting the ghost in my head, now i can face everything. My gf is a avoidant now. She has left me yesterday. I can feel her. I pulled away at the right time. I shall not contact her untill she does. I shall give her the space and time she wants. Then, she can process her emotions and come with a better version of her. Remember, everyone has their past traumas. You have to treat them on the right way. With empathy and love, everthing can be solved. Just hang out there. Don't panic.
Peace
A narcissist is likely to be avoidant, but an avoidant isn't always a narcissist.
In my experience:
Avoidants don't love-bomb quite at the level narcs do. They're usually pretty upfront about wanting to keep ppl at a certain distance whereas narcs actively try to pull you in as quickly as possible. Avoidants are afraid of being hurt & abandoned. Narcs are afraid of being exposed & seen for what they are. So yeah, there tends to be an element of attempting to control the relationship, but the means aren't always the same.
Narcs want a person to be clingy, doe-eyed & validate them. Avoidants can do without the clingy. Doe-eyed sends avoidants running.
Ultimately, we're gonna put up with what we put up with until 1. the lessons are learned; or 2. we hold out for higher standards with an added dash of communication.
YES!!
WHAT'SPP ME
Just let them go..they are the one on the toxic side..why would you want them back? Value and protect yourself.
Give up on them. Find someone else. Billions of people around.
Never have I felt so understood. With tears 😢. Knowing I'll never be in another relationship again.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆
You will be! It will get better ❤️🩹
Wish i had heard this awhile ago. Anxious here, married an avoidant, 27 year marriage. He left after around the time our last child graduated. I was devastated and wrought with fear as i am a stay home mom. Ironically i have done what you mentioned in this video and as of date he has been gone for 3 years with no indication of coming back or filing. My fight or flight muscle is growing numb. Just clinging to my faith to hang on.
I had an avoidant lead me on and then I told them how I felt then they freaked out, then they freaked out and asked "how do I know you won't leave" I answered and it only lead to more disagreements, they then started criticizing me and it snow ballled. They said I was just imagining things . Long story short the more you argue and pursue the worse things got.
It's absolutely ridiculous that it's always the person being neglected that has to change to accommodate the emotional neglect of an avoidant partner.
I'm never dealing with an avoidant. They're so complicated. It frustrates the sh- out of me and if that's how they want to go about their relationships? Then good luck because I doubt they'll ever be happy with that attachment style. 🙄
Sorry for the aggression. I'm fresh from a break up with an avoidant. Ugh huge red flag.
WHAT'SPP ME
Me.too and I'm at peace
No worries!
You are entitled to be angry!
Me too!! 😠
They are not complicated. They want you to think that. They are simply cowards.
As an avoidant, I don’t just randomly want or create space between a partner. I do so because I sense something off. Hooked up with an Anxious and it was great until they “Just want to be friends.” I didn’t want to do that but tried and tried to ask for more space because I wasn’t getting what I needed or wanted - someone who wanted me in the same way. I held back with physical touch and affection because I didn’t want to continue fueling confusing thoughts of what it was. Space works for me even though it’s painful because I want them around but know, ultimately, they just want to be around for the benefits of my giving things.
Funny enough as an anxious-avoidant I have a similar kinda story. Dated a guy who was an avoidant. Tried to speak about how I was feeling numerous times in the relationship(turned out he was poly and had a crush on his bestfriend while we were dating, which made me feel extremely insecure(he talked about him a lot) even though he loved us equally. Didn't really have any 'issues' with him before that. Had a hard time feeling secure though). He never had anything to say back. All I wanted was for him to bring up what he thought, or check back in on the issue I brought up on his own terms. My needs weren't meant for a while, so whenever we did screw, which was a lot, I never felt 100% comfortable because I just felt like he was using me despite the fact that he said numerous times he loved me. My issue is I wanted him to feel loved and connected and he said a big way for him was through screwing since it's intimate. I scarified my own comfort so he could feel loved. He never asked me too of course, I wanted to, so it's really my fault. He encouraged me a couple of times to just speak my mind, but that was and still is hard for me. I really felt like I never got anything back from him and he was only around for his benefit. It sucks that they weren't giving you what you needed.
I just got dumped by an avoidant. The most fucked up break up of my life.
same here. ghosting at its finest. real honest conversation would solve it immediately and both could go their ways, but no .....
Been there. I lost my avoidant almost 2 months ago just as I was feeling like we were meant to be. Maybe I’m anxious. I thought I was being the good boyfriend but she said it felt controlling. I was shocked at that because I encouraged her to have a life away from me. But she didn’t know anyone here. She moved here to care for an elderly relative and be away from everyone that knew her. We spoke every day which is normal to me but not to her. Even though she love bombed me and made plans for our future. When I made simple plans or offered to help her with stuff she felt like it was too much. She wanted space. I hired a relationship coach and started getting advice. A couple days later I checked on her and sent her flowers. That became the end of us. 3 days after that she was out looking for my replacement. I hoped we’d work it out but after 30 days of no contact I found out she was seeing someone new. So now I am to. I miss her but I had no choice but to move on. I started watching these videos to learn what I did wrong and how to handle women like that in the future.
M
You did absolutely nothing wrong and you seem ready for a healthy relationship!
Seems to me like avoidants feel repelled by people who show love to them cos deep down they don't love themselves enough. They get truly attracted to people even more avoidants than them, those who really challenge their wounds. They need to experience their wounds often enough till they can transmute them. Sorry you're way too healthy to take her fancy 😁 all the best xx
@@sunbeam9222 absolutely!
I'm an avoidant myself. The reason is not being afraid of getting hurt but the tips are pretty accurate
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
So what's the reason? You're an avoidant so do you care to share?
@@lovelyladyleo9205 avoidants tend to be very sensitive to attempts of controlling and they also hate feeling suffocated. You may feel you are offering affection and they may feel you are too close. Needy people will always have a hard time dating avoidants. The more you let them miss you the more affectionate the avoidants become
@@Inglessemtraduzir thank you for sharing the reason.
As someone who has dated multiple Avoidants, I realize from the majority of comments here just how presumptuous I was as an Anxious partner. If you take that personal that's on you. The point is to self reflect because if we were so perfect, we would not have attracted an Avoidant but instead a Secured partner.
The truth is this, THE MAJORITY of the people in the world has some issue with them. Are you going on in life just hopping from person to person because you're in your feelings and so lazy that you can take time to learn the person? Even if its not them, if its a child or close relative, are you gonna just get defeated and give up. Walking away doesnt mean its over. Its what you do while youre away from them that matters.
People say one thing in these comments and when reality hits them, they're alone and hurting. Stop lying to yourselves and learn your attachment style and that of your person and love them in their way, and stop trying to project your way on to them.
If you got to a Secure attachment style, you would understand them much better and wont even be bothered. Thats why in some cases, they cane back. They thought it was safe to return, but most of us tend to revert to our old ckihing, nagging and judgmental ways.
Stop cliquing up with people in the comments section....because they wont be there when reality hits you.
Why do avoidants move on so fast if they want to be alone so bad
They want emotional closeness as it’s human nature, they just get scared when things get too close and fear losing individuality