HOW I went from ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT to SECURE...and you can too.
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- Опубліковано 15 гру 2022
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Can we just say that sometimes toxic relationships bring out the anxious attachment in that person, and that's just a symptom of a toxic relationship.
So agree . With romantic relationships I’m an emotional mess when a guy isn’t that into Me .
This is so true. When we start to heal we automatically repell possible "unhealthy" partners because the energy is just off
We cannot heal in places that feel unsafe. One needs to find safety within, but we need a safe environment to heal too... and the first step u
is choosing to say no to an unhealthy environment (aka relationship)
Idk, I think that even in those situations you have to ask yourself how ended up in a toxic relationship in the first place...or why you stay in one. Healthy people tend to walk away once they realize a person is toxic. Rather than sticking around
@@wherearemyredslippers i agree so much!
@@waheyna
Yes!.. we can’t heal in the same place you got sick or with the person who made you sick.
The quote "secure people seek emotional support; not validation" hit hard. What a nugget of wisdom.
Yes yes yes
Oo that hits
Every teenage girl should hear this message. Golden advice.
@chrisflores6917 Especially me since i was a princess in a toxic relationship with my ex, whom i've known since pre-school in 1996. sadly she dumped me in 2020. maybe i was too attached to her. i don't fucking know. all i know is that her narcissistic abuse bit the bullet. she burned her bridges. her asshole roommate probably told her to end it with me. worst time to date her was at the beginning of 2020 before covid made the world go dark for 2 years.
Lol i was a anxious teenage boy
Thank you, this has been so helpful! Really needed to listen to this information today. You break things down really well and explain clearly. Many thanks!
It hits guys way more
Stop chasing chads
@@unitforce7417 I am a anxious teenage boy 17 year old help me with some advice please
"people are born as they are but people make themselves into who they wanna be" this hit me!
"You need that fix more than you need a good relationship." THAT PART.
Made me realise alot
I really needed to hear this. Wow.
Yes it was like that for me too at times when my emotions were played with… the ‘he who hurt you is the only person that can undo the hurt quickest/most effectively’ kinda thing…
This hit.
Fear of abandonment is so strong in many people
Childhood trauma
💔
I thought this was only to people who have BPD (like me), does this bother other people who doesn't have bpd too?
I recognized in myself for a very long time, but actually consciously working on it by looking at the core conditioning has made all the difference in healing.
@@ranyadhellecabahug845fear of abandonment is what causes insecure attachment styles. It’s a core wound that people cope with by having these attachments. BPD is not directly correlated.
As a man with an anxious attachment, I’m sitting here in my office like “yoooo she’s on point” 😂
U fixed?
Same here 😵💫
Bro it’s not just you 😅
I'm here with you. I've gotten better. Thank God my wife gave the opportunity for therapy and time to fix my bullshit. I was a mess. Still am some days.
@@DevinAK49- how do I even try to fix this. Earlier today I was working and a girl I liked came in and I was so happy. Then I overheard her talking to her friends and they were like “hey so are u gonna tell us what happened?”. I didn’t know what they were talking about. She was like “I’m not saying it out loud”, I immediately assumed it was a guy and it really did ruin my mood. I was feeling good and social but when that happened I didn’t talk and just avoided the people who I would’ve talked to. I was also going to ask her out but now I’m second guessing it.
This made my stomach turn. I literally feel sick because I resonate with it so hard. I’m am an anxious attachment and I cannot bare the feeling that comes over me. It’s so true!
My problem is I used to have anxious attachment and I became avoidant
Just a reminder that YOU are not an anxious attachment. You may have an anxious attachment style, but that does not define who you are
I definitely know I have pushed good people away by having anxious attachment. As I have been healing it, I sometimes cringe at my past behavior but I tell myself that I didn’t know any better at the time and I’m learning. When you heal your anxious attachment, you also heal your relationship with yourself and how you speak to yourself. You will begin to realize how kind and more patient you are with YOU. It’s a journey guys. Be gentle with yourself.
love this and love you
I'm happy you're doing better! What did you do to overcome attachment anxiety?
This is me in a nutshell, what I still struggle with is that it took me multiple times, until it finally clicked. It definitely is a journey. I only wish I had learned this earlier in my life. But as you said this process takes time and we must be gentle with ourselves I’m right there with you and I’m praying for you. Thank you for sharing.
Zoom
I needed this. Thank you
1) Self soothe
2) trust
3)seek emotional support
4) clear communication
5) not defensive take w grain of salt
6) compromise n set boundaries and respect people’s boundaries
7)free of baggage from past relationships
Basically you're perfect.🤔
Thanks
@Claretea Secure people have all the exact same issues but they react from their intuition, conscious not their nervous system like the Anxious or Avoidant. They don't mostly over or under react, overthink or deflect. It isn't perfection but secure people to have better health, more time to focus elsewhere, better relationships, even more effective time management. Fair, no but Life , absolutely.
Omg I love this!
Jesus Christ this is accurate for me
"you need to learn what secure attachment is and act as if you are". Holy crap. And overnight i went from fearing I will be abandonned, to .. not at all. This one struck so hard true. I do understand i still need to perform so much work, but just this bit of information kindof pivoted me enough in the right direction that it made me feel so much better. This video has helped me more than the countless hours of discussions with my friends. ❤
How much have you improved till now?
@@kripakhatri18^i would also like to know
right its been 3 months
Please share your healing journey
Agreed!! That was a pivot for me too. 💛
“You running after people makes them run” that was so freaking powerful
It’s crazy that after watching this, I’ve realized my bf has been trying to tell me this whole time to stop. To stop asking all these questions to feel secure , to stop doubting him and assuming he will do something wrong. I always thought he just doesn’t want to tell me because he doesn’t feel that or because he will break my trust , but honestly it seems like that is the definition of anxious attachment. I will take back my dignity and be the strong confident woman that I am. Thank you so much for this.
Me too...
Dealing with this as well. I hope we can all heal with our partners by our sides. Because every goes through periods such as this.
you are mixing anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant together without clarifying so. they are separate attachment styles
Absolutely same. So glad I found this video and can see what’s really going on in my brain.
I`m wondering how 2 anxious attachment styles would mix together?
I find myself being more secure day-to-day, but extremely vulnerable when I let my feelings out, I express them, I show them.
I am a psychologist and a psychotherapist, and I honestly tell you : you are a natural!!! Well done !!!
Love this encouragement. I am an accountant but have seen several therapists and she is gold.
the bar is low unfortunately
May I talk to u ? I rlly need a therapist
I just broke things off with the dismissive avoidant and I woke up this morning a little bit sad. But I was instantly able to take care of myself better, and not being with this person who deprives me of emotional connection. Not being with this person who triggers my ptsd. I was able to make myself a healthy breakfast and I am excited about the goals I have in my life, primarily school. I'm also going to make getting closer to God a priority as I know that God is my strength and my source of all things good
Who's watching this in 2024? 🙋♀
Me 😔 I hope this helps
Great way to put the question out there. Je suis.
ME AND IT HURTS !
@@tayloranne9539I just watched this and I feel so awakened lmfao
Me
"..it becomes a cloud over the person you truly are" - this is the perfect description how I feel in my relationships. It's like being in prison. Imprisoned by myself.
This is exactly how I describe it for myself as well, a prison. The door’s wide open but I can’t bring myself to leave.
Frr!
Yes amen. I pray for your healing as well as mine with this.
*comments to receive 389 validations
I feel this, too. It's hard trying to get to know or even recognise the you without the cloud. I'm definitely struggling.
It’s so nice to finally figure out what is wrong with me so I can tackle this problem. It feels good to not feel alone
You’re definitely not alone. ;)
I wish there was a mandatory class in all colleges about attachment style, conflict resolution, healthy communication and building healthy relationships, etc. Thank you for your work and honesty. You give us rays of hope. Blessings to you!
@@susanhampton9671yes! we need a socials class to actually condition kids healthily for the future. Maybe a little meditation also at the start of the class
Same here. Finally now I know time to fix it
Exactly!
As an anxiously attached man, in a beautiful loving relationship, it's pushing my partner away and I'm trying really hard to fight the dragon, I'm learning about how my secure version looks in my head, and I'd like to thank you for the moment in this video that makes the point of fearing the consequences of living in the hurt of constant anxiety of being hurt, instead of stepping into a secure role and enjoying the moment and giving full trust until being hurt...I snapped completely and let down a deep cry, thank you for your perspective, I'll be back to watching this video.
How are things now? Have you found growth through this video and self practice
Whenever I start feeling the anxiety and feelings of abandonment I come back to this video, I've watched it so many times and every time it calms me down. Thank YOU!
Anxious attachers often will attract avoidant partners because the reason most people have an anxious attachment is that one of their primary caregivers was an avoidant attacher. However, people with anxious attachment styles (depending on the level of anxiety) can often create a great partnership with a secure attachment person, who will by their steadiness and patience allow the anxious attacher to relax and become more secure themselves.
Yes totally make sense to be in a partnership for these shadows to show up because when you're not, how are they going to show up for 1 to even be aware it exists? They only TRUELY come out in intimate partnerships
Yes! This would be my husband. He is a secure attachment person for sure, and through the years I have felt comfortable in my own skin and he has helped me relax. But also, a daily practice of yoga, meditation, and prayer!
Yes. Thats my husband
yeah but sometimes you meet a secure attached styled person and it stresses u out even more because the thought of trusting them and letting ur guard down scares the shit out of u bc ur so used to avoidant ppl who never showed they gave a shit about u. Now you’re afraid of feeling secure with this person bc ur afraid it’s not gonna work and also afraid you’re gonna push them away bc you’re afraid of the possibility of it actually working out.
@@zaire-aniyarobinson2928 what you shared here sounds fearful avoidant and not just anxious attachment.
12:54 Regulate your emotions
(without the person to validate you)
13:16 Not ask people how they feel in order to
make you feel better about your self, until it
becomes a practice to your self
13:33 Secure people trust others
(You need to deploy a element of trust)
25:06 Secure people have effectively
communication skills
They say what they desire and what they.
want, as opposed to searching for outs of
people and searching for inadequacies
*Example instead of*: "Why you don't call me last night?"
"I Love it when you call me, I love it if you call me tomorrow."*
[Say what you want instead of, what the person didn't do. You need to communicate clearly with your words and needs, as opposed to play games.]
15:47 Secure people need emotional support,
instead of validation
*Example*:
▪︎"I am feeling tired today, I'd really want to spend
time with you."
▪︎"I really need your help on this issue."
[They watch what is happening and let's say after two months he doesn't call you. And say: " You know I love when you call me, it makes me feel happy. When you don't, it's makes me feel sad."]
16:14 Secure people are comfortable being alone
[ You need to be on this Journey with yourself. You need to have a little stoicism.]
16:51 Secure people are not defensive
[They take things with a pinch a salt. They know that not anybody can really see into you. Nobody really knows you. Everybody sees you with a perception of themselves plastered on it.]
17:07 How to stop being defensive?
(the right mindset - Not defensive but empathy)
[People don't talk about you, they are talking about a microscosm of what they saw and put it together in their head, from their life experiences and were over the web of what they believe is a reality. That isn't me, that is the perceptionthey have for me.]
17:30 Secure people show empathy were it is needed
[They're there for other people, not because I gives them something back. They don't expect anything back.]
17:42 Secure people know when to compromise
and when to say no
[They know we're their limits are.]
*Example*: Bf/Gf: "Can you wah the dished please?"
▪︎Anxious attached person: "Yes, yes" (even if they're tired -> Just to be liked)
□Then resentment will build up and then they'll have a fight with her partner□
▪︎Securely Attached person: "I'm sorry I'm tired today, I can't do it. But I love you I will try tomorrow"
[They know their capabilities. They learn to know themselves. They're straightforward. They say what they feel and mean what they say. They respect other people boundaries ]
19:01 Secure people are free of old baggage
Study Secure Attachment style:
‐ Attached
- Getting the Love you Want
- How to be an adult in relationships
Thanks so much! I'm a visual learner and this is so helpful 😊
Thank you
Brilliant, thanks!
This is great. I might have to ask you to help write my book! Xx
@@Margarita.Nazarenko i agree with almost everything in this but only of talking about my past relationship part... Can you tell me what can i do if I've been in a five year old toxic relationship where I mostly talked with my ex and didn't have as many frnds i thought he was my world so i never tried to make connections out of the relationship so as a result In most of my memorable or happy moments he was with me and when I talk about my past it's mostly with him bcz most of my moments I had with him so is it a bad thing and if it is then how can i change it can you give me advice on this bcz people are sick of listening to me talk about my ex but that's all i can do honestly and that honestly makes me not want to talk😔
being anxious /avoidant, you will sabotage everything that is good with relationships,
and only attract nonesense into your life,
the nonesense that you demanded through your actions.
I cried… thank you for understanding and being able to articulate to individuals like myself. Wonderful feeling knowing your on the right path through self-awareness.
A funny thing: you’d still lose people if you’re secure. Your needs don’t automatically change and people wouldn’t like it or be triggered by your communication. Knowing yourself & growing is a treasure, however, life gets rid of people for you the more you come into yourself.
Wow . This.
growing from the inside is gold
Yup, but when you are secure you will be ok with that, you won’t try to hold on to the wrong people
Can I just say: this comment sections brings me so much hope. Resources, learning, self-awareness, empathy. Every one of you are breaking the patterns and if we choose to be parents, we will be able to give what we weren’t given. And I just love the idea that future generations, slowly but surely, will have less trauma to work through, less re-patterning, through more secure love.
I really hope so...fingers crossed❤
🙏🏾💪🏾💯♥️👏🏾👏🏾
“You have decided somewhere in your early life that the only reason people want to be around you is because you’re comfortable to be with.” That really hit me. Everything else in this video as well but this one especially. Everything you said is blowing my mind. I knew I wasn’t mentally right in a lot of aspects, but I didn’t realize there was a term out there that explains my behaviors and thought processes EXACTLY as they are. Thank you for making this video. I’m now subscribed and heading to your TikTok now to follow. ❤
SAME!!! Just omgg
I was so tired of watching self-help videos like this ,_, most of them made me feel like there’s really something wrong with me and it’s all my fault that I’m in this mess. I’m so happy I tried one more time and listened carefully to everything you say. You’re on point about everything. It almost felt like you were reading my palm 🤭. I know I have this unhealthy attachment style that I got from childhood, and it was never my intention fo be toxic to everyone I love. It’s hard hearing all this in such a straightforward manner because it’s the truth. No one’s responsible for our emotions but ourselves. I have more to say, but I’m just gonna bid my greatest gratitude and best wishes to you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my exhausted heart 💕
Literally cried while watching this. I dealt with separation anxiety as a child because my mother was a drug addict and now I’m 20 and dealing with anxious attachment in my relationship. Ive been trying so hard to change it but it’s so hard. I’m not giving up.
you can do it 100%
IFS therapy works amazing
I completely understand. I’m a guy, and this is my life almost to the tee. I’ve messed up some relationships just because of this. You aren’t in it alone. We just have to go forward.
@@marlenemagana555what is this ?
I can totally relate
Regulate your emotions without revalidation
You need to deploy the element of trust
Communicate clearly give people a chance
Comfortable being alone (no attachment anxiety)
Not defensive
Show empathy when it’s needed not expecting anything back
Know your capabilities
Respect other people’s boundaries
Free of old baggage
Be in the moment
Read the following books
ATTACHED
GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT
HOW TO BE AN ADULT IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thank you for sharing, my memory is pretty bad , lol ^_^ Hope you have a lovely day!
I personally found "Attached" to be a bit useless if you are Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant style. I recommend: Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life
Who are the authors
@@tanyamerry2736 Thais Gibson is author of the one I listed. She also has a helpful UA-cam channel ("Personal Development School")
you are mixing anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant together without clarifying so. they are separate attachment styles
My partner literally just told me in this moment he just needs me to be secure or space! This was a huge shift and I realized I don’t need to do this back and forth insecurities and I can be a secure partner in this relationship and phone call right now. 💜😅 downloading those books now. Thanks
Male 6'2" 245 lb former Top Secret Cleared and Intelligence Officer, and after decades of trying to find out what is wrong with me and this 20 minutes is the most accurate description of me I have ever heard. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you Margarita.
I am a woman of 37y.o and from this video I got why all people were always pulling away from me. My anxious attachment style is too much for all of them
43 yr old man and it just became clear to me today as well. Have never been able to put my finger on it, and we'll, here we are. Good luck on your journeys ❤
You speak about this really brilliantly. I’ve been on the same journey, going from anxious to secure over the past 6-7 years. Choosing to heal this is a game changer. For anyone reading this - I promise, you can heal this & feel soooo much better. Wishing everyone the best. Thank you 🙏🏻
I thought I had made good progress for awhile till the other day when a date ghosted me hours before it was time to meet up. I completely went into a panic and I hate myself so much for this she may have just had something come up and would had called me the next day but I’ll never know now. I have no idea what in my past caused it my family was very loving. You say you’ve gone back and forth for 6 years do you believe you are fully healed now, do you think you’d go into a panic if someone you really liked did what I just described to you?
@@theol6272I believe sometimes it's not that your parents didn't show affection or validation but that everyone's needs are different and you probably needed more than what they gave you, or a different way of showing love and valitation. So now that you know it's not their or your fault you can stop focusing on the past and start focusing on finding out what you need now, how to express it to others and, most importantly, how to give it to yourself. After all, as with what happened in your childhood, nobody will ever be able to satisfy your needs better than yourself. As a kid you're dependent and it makes sense to look for someone else to fulfill you but now it doesn't anymore, you need to find out how to validate, appreciate, soothe and love yourself
Damn look up the personal development school, because it didn't take me 6 years. They promised results in like 90 days. It took me a week do you have a massive foundational shifting healing event. Over the next few weeks, I just learned scripts and tricks and how to manage and regulate my emotions and communicate better. 38 years of feeling broken and defective what's healed in a week. It honestly makes me mad. It was the easiest thing I've ever done. Imagine struggling your whole life with connection and then your life changes in a week. It's utterly ridiculous
Everyone should watch this... this is free therapy. Thank you so much.
An eye opener. It's weird because I know exactly what she is talking about but at the same time with day to day relationships...like bad, I targeted people and I feel bad. Almost in a predatory way. No interest in them whatsoever, but just hyperfocused on everything they did, like using a person as a mirror to look at yourself. And when a better potential person came along they got dropped overnight. To the point where isolating is really the only option. I always got confused with the attachment style thing because I feel anxious and avoidant just oscillate back and forth into eachother. Or eventually you just have too much negative experiences and stay in avoidant mode.
When the student is ready, the master appears. Thank you for your light Margarita. I'm ready to dive deep into secure attachment and make it my reality❤
Wow, I don’t think there was one point that didn’t fit. I cannot stop crying right now. And yes, anxious attachment style sucks. You are truly amazing. I really appreciate your video! Thank you! ❤
Literally the same man. Let's heal. We got this !
Me too. This is therapy.
This brought me to tears, I don’t know what to do, I feel helpless I just want to be content with being alone.
Are you seeing a therapist? If not, most insurance covers therapy. And let them know that you want to heal your insecure attachment style.
I’m so sorry. You can get there. It takes time. Crappy Childhood Fairy has a channel and a method of writing and meditation that can heal.
Your definitely stronger than you think. Step out don't let nobody hold your hand you got this!
Same
You will, I love being alone and enjoy my me time, when am on crowds or around many people I feel drained because I feel and seem get their energy and rush back home to re energise. Engage yourself in activating your talents and purpose u will use your time in those activities and just working on oneself ❤
Damn she is straight up spitting facts 😅 I am seeking validation from someone I don’t even want or know! I’m going to have to watch this about 7 more times.
I really hope you see this but man… these are all the things my boyfriend has been telling me for a year since we got together and it took for us to almost break up and call it quits for me to actually put effort into looking into what he has been telling me for months now… everything you explained, and I mean every single point you stated that is exactly how I feel in relationships all the time. Just watching some of your videos has changed my outlook on myself and how I view myself and myself forth. It’s like a new level awareness. Thank you so much. I feel like you really are helping so many people.
This feels like a healed person’s advice to their older self. Firm yet kind. Thank you!
This is one of the best if not the BEST video i’ve ever seen on Anxious attachment style. Simple, straight to the point and taken from a mouth of someone who have been through it all and came to the other side with the best advice. You gave me hope. Thank you so much!🙏🏻
love this thank you
I agree. Very helpful.
I second this.
Things begin to makes sense finally, aged 40
Totally agree!
O feel like she’s describing me. Like she knows me personally. 🥺
This video is a major reality check. It made me so damn angry with myself, because it is so true.
I am going to listen to it again and again until I start listening to it with self-compassion and understanding. And then I'm gonna work on it in a healthy way.
Same :(
You just made a 48 year old man cry, almost every single word you spoke of is descriptive of me. I have pushed every single person in my life away,including family, no longer have a single friend, if my phone rings which it rarely does it’s because somebody needs something of me, and the resentment and total inability to trust anyone including myself. I have always vocally expressed that there were no rules in my world and that I’ll do whatever I want whenever I want and answer to nobody,I still do live this way to this very minute but i cant be vocal to people who are long gone now,my fear of not being liked and accepted has made me have behavioural habits thats have in turned them away,"what i feared most" life is fucked sometimes. The pain and fear and resentment that i have inside me is overwhelming, ive twice unsuccessfully tried to take my own life to escape the mental menace that occupies my brain cavity. I will get to that point many more times to come so eventually ill get it right and be at peace with myself
Regards
Nobody !!
I hear you and I see you!! It’s never to late to try again❤
I can be a friend if u need one. I’m
This too!
Wow! I have never heard anyone break me down like you do in these videos...not even therapists do this. I prayed for God to direct me to the people online who can help me heal this part of my life. I am at that stage where I've had enough of myself and had enough of slowly killing myself with this. Thank you so much. I will be purchasing the books.
As an anxious attacher in the process of healing, I've realized the that the key to changing your attachment style to secure is truly loving yourself and believing in yourself. When you have that confidence and commitment to making yourself happy you will not have those automatic anxious thoughts, you will not seek out validation because you can give it to yourself.
What did you implement to start truly loving yourself and believing in yourself?
@@laurena5165 Hi Lauren, firstly I had to go through a series of unfulfilling relationships with men that were emotionally unavailable to me. One particularly bad one sent me to rock bottom and it was at that point where I realized that I had finally had enough and I wasn't going to allow myself to ever feel that way or be treated that way ever again. I started making the tougher choices when I resumed dating again - I would come across men who displayed unavailable behaviour and even though I desired them I cut them off and each time I did that, I felt empowered and took a step toward honoring myself. It's a hard process (and I'm still in the thick of it) but it gets easier with each time you choose yourself. You become more resilient and more confident. I also listen to a lot of podcasts (Shallon Lester, Dr. Morgan Coaching, Matt Hussey) read a lot of Bruce Bryans books which changed my perspective on dating/relationships and went to therapy.
A beautiful young woman like yourself having this kind of mindset blows me away, you honestly look as though you could have anything you desired. Sorry to write you but was really surprised to see, to look at you it, you wouldn’t pick it. Are you a shy person ? Distrust will probably make you at best read a few words and think who’s this”delete “ “block” i get it it’s all good, take care. Geoff
@@laurena5165you should figure out what is your love language. Doing that really helped me. And then love yourself in your love language. For example If you're love language is words of affirmation. Compliment yourself daily, give yourself words of encouragement
I just discovered what Anxious Attachment was this morning and have self diagnosed myself. Now I can't stop looking at videos on the topic. It all makes so much more sense now. I have always just thought that I "loved hard" and that it was always too much for others. I've been crying off and on all morning now that I realize and have a better understanding of how I have behaved in relationships.
I am a guy, and this hits very hard. Some of these behaviors and thoughts can be exaggerated more or less to me specifically, but it's definitely me.
I miss the ability to create a video response to a video because I would have definitely done it with this.
You're very insightful, and you sound like you would make an excellent therapist or sociologist.
Thank you.
I usually dont comment, but i have to tell you thank you, you showed in my life in the right moment, a real life saver
I appreciate it
This video has literally flipped a switch in my brain. I feel so much more informed and aware of why some of my relationships are the way they are.
Same. We got this 🩵
as a dude struggling with anxious attachment, it has pushed every relationship away in a self fulfilling prophecy. but now i’m ready to change for the better! wishing you all the best !
It really is a miserable way to live. I wish you healing
I hope it’s going well. We got this.
12/27/2023 I realized I am an anxious attached kind of person. I’m a good person but today today I realized I am anxiously attached.
What an amazing way to start my year. I get to work on who I am. Thank you for sharing this information
same girl. we got this
I like your perspective. I was feel horrible about my avoidant attachment style and the work I need to do but I love the perspective that I get to work on myself right as this new year starts. 😊
wow you’re spot on. I’m working on myself and will be more secure. I wasn’t always so anxious and I’m tired of living like this. I’ve been fighting to stop falling back into anxiety
Been in therapy almost a year, and been in therapy once before to get out of a toxic relationship, so most of these things I have heard before. But I had to stop the video at some point cause I was about to cry. Father that has never been 100% in my life, lots of bullying and rejection growing up and I turned out into a depressed, anxious person, who’s not able to get vulnerable with other but also feels completely alone. Letting go of the disappointments is not easy
I hear you and I understand
Been there. I feel you. I do psychotherapy, but what really was a breakthrough for me is to realise there is a God who loves me andcreated me special and can heal me if i rely on Him. God bless you
Just be kind with yourself. Fell in love with yourself by doing things that you enjoy spend time with people that you enjoy and just practise gratitude every day and you will be amazed by how good it feels and how amazing you are. Then this will be become a habit and you will accept things in your life that you will enjoy and by glowing you will attract people that will deserve to be around you. Send you a lot of hugs and love ❤
Wow, your "real talk" approach to anxious attachment really resonated with me!! While listening to this, I was able to step outside of the victim mindset that an anxiously attached person has and step into deeper reasons to feel/act secure. Thank you!
This is very well explained. I'm an anxious attachment trying to change. I'm living by myself in peace, building up my self esteem so I can manifest what I want.
Hey there 🥰!
So im not sure if youre ever going to read this comment but here it goes anyway :
My name's Anna and im a 26 yearsold woman living in Valencia , Spain . I have had this anxious attachment style due to my anxiety disorder for years now and the way you described all of the scenarios and symptoms is literally me in all aspects when it comes to my failed past romantic relationships .
I just want to say thank you ,
Thank you for making this video and also at the same time making people like me feel like we are not alone and feel like there is a solution to it .
Hope you have a beautiful day!
🥰😊 .
This is incredible I feel so naked after this but also like I need to replay this daily until I get it right. I'm on UA-cam daily for years and this is hands down the most important video that I've ever seen. Thank you for this.
I feel the same way.
Heavy on the reply until I get it right ❤️❤️
Replay*
As a male, I can honestly say I'm indeed an anxious attachment. I always thought I was confident, but dating people ended up brining the bad qualities in me and I end up coming across as needy. Grateful for this video and insight and this helps lots.
At 1 point in journey, 1 requires a partner to help them bring out their shadows for them to show up to then work on & deal with because if you're not in that environment, how would 1 know what their shadows are in intimate relationships?
@@user-pk5pl7ox1e even I can't answer that question. Integrating shadow takes a lot of self reflection. Honestly as a man you need to be in your masculine frame. set boundaries etc. honestly the advice she gives about the feminine frame can work vice versa for your masculine frame.
Men test women. women test men. We're more alike than people will care to admit.
@@trollzynisaacjohan1793 Interesting! How DO men test women and women test men EXACTLY may I ask?
@@user-pk5pl7ox1e loyalty tests. I more or less just observant as fuck. Honestly you will know because they're testing your patience. Don't abuse them in response ignore them or block them.
Same
You have single handedly changed my life and put a literal mirror before me. You have a gift of wisdom and have afforded me the opportunity to process my recent separation in the healthiest manner of self exploration and growth. Thank you.
One of the best videos I've ever watched describing the internal torment of this. Spot on! The perfect balance of insight, vulnerability, and firmness. Thank you!!!
I believe I went from secure to anxious from being in a 15 year long abusive marriage. I still retain most elements of secure (respect boundaries, I don’t over text or call, strong sense of self and confidence, can be alone) but I have discovered that when in a relationship, the more my feelings grow the more anxious I get. It is actually nice to identify what is going on so I can work on it instead of focus on those uncomfortable feelings.
Same, I actually shocKed myself with how quickly I became anxious when in my last relationship.
True I was secure until I got cheated on
So true I was never like this before being emotionally abused and manipulated. The way ppl manage to switch up like the weather made me form feelings of anxiety and distrust toward ppl.
@@kennedialana4356 I'd almost think it's normal to to anxious then. I think it's rare to find people that actually are stable and reliable in one's life.
as a man with an anxious attachment style I have to say thank you. I only wish I had found this video sooner. The way you speak so frankly about how these behaviors destroy relationships, from a perspective of experience, is extremely effective (painfully so). It's like looking into a mirror and not liking what you see but realizing you can change what you see there. this video is going to be a great starting point in making a change in my life. thank you
I felt as if you were talking directly to me. This video made me cry. I've always wondered why I have the reactions that I do, but to know that I can change it through hard work gives me hope. Thank you.
i go to this video whenever i feel anxious nd it has been helping me on my journey so much!!!
I felt this entire message to my core. I’ve been so stressed, overwhelmed, feeling alone because “I have no friends or loved one” but I’ve never been able to sustain relationships because in my heart I believe people are going to leave me or hurt me. It’s an awful mindset to be in & I desperately need/want to be secure in myself and love myself. I’m trying to learn how, so I can be a better me & example to my daughter
I don't know if this helps at all, but I can relate. I'm becoming my biggest fan, friend, and support system. I'm practicing being completely authentic and vulnerable, and instead of basing my self-worth on the feedback/responses of others (because those tend to have more to do with other peoples' insecurities and trauma), I put my own needs and opinion of myself on a pedestal. I tell myself how proud I am of myself, even at the smallest things, whenever possible. I allow myself to make as many "mistakes" as I need to, and then I celebrate how fearlessly I pick myself up - I don't for a second look around for validation. The self-love journey is everything, and there is no way to fail because getting back up is always an option, and it's beautiful. You've so got this. The right people will move towards you when you love yourself fully, and you wont be afraid of them leaving - you'll be too busy loving yourself. xx
Thank you two for this... and for this gal who made this video! It ALL makes sense. Stop asking, looking, getting validation from others!
It's MY journey, and I will love MYSELF enough to stay focused on me! I now see what all my own childhood traumas have done, and at least 75% of this anxious attachment style is what i have held on to I will continue to be kind and loving to ME, not explain, justify, or feel less than because (sadly with family members!), because they struggle with their own stuff and choose to project. I will not accept the disrespect any longer and will turn on my heal and walk!
Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share your own feelings on this topic, I am not alone! God Bless you all and safe travels in each of our respective journeys. ❤
@@loriherrera789 Save travels, love. You can do this! It's why we're here. And if you trip or stumble on your journey out the door - love the one who trips and stumbles. No shame, no guilt, no fear. No rules. No judgement. You are always safe with you. You've got this. xo
@Jessica
Thank you, I needed 🙏 this extra gentle reminder! You are a bright light for me and appreciate you taking the time right here... I will keep it & read it if I'm stumbling- helps to know someone understands!
We live every day, and only die once, gotta make it the best journey EVER! 💕
@@loriherrera789 Much love to you, beautiful soul!
I just wanted to tell you that your video was the epiphany i needed. I cant tell you enough how much i thank you. Ive watched gazillions of attachment videos abt my attachment style. My recently broken up avoidant ex and i are no longer together. I let him go after 10 months of painful communication, anger, argument, back n forth etc. i realized that he is perhaps not the one for me, but i also realized that i am done being anxiously attached , and im not just saying this. Im done. Im ready to do the work. Im ready to be in my truest version of my feminine. When im not anxious, i have strength, my friends come to me for advice, i calm people down. But i cant apply this to myself. Like you, i also did Keto for two straight years, having lost 75 pounds. I felt freer, more beautiful, stronger. I also attracted more people to myself seeing i could lose the weight and feel healthier. I stopped doing Keto but have stuck to doing OMAD. Im eating carbs again, but never gain now. I wesr real skinny jeans now and look and feel fabulous.
I will be subscribing, following your journey. Binge watched your content now. Please continue the very empowering talks and videos. I clicked on your video with tear stained eyes. My eyes are completely dry, and i have literally stood up and risen from my chair quite literally. You dont know how your one video has helped someone truly in need. That was me. That was today. Thank you.
I have never heard anything like this from even Experts.
Your words seem to open my mind,my eyes,my soul..
I love you for going through and coming out❤
As I got off the phone with my boyfriend questioning him where he had been , feeling extremely anxious , your video popped up right in front of my UA-cam page . I had to watch this , you liltery describing me to the core . Every single personas you are laying is about me . I appreciate the universe and you have brought my issue to the surface so I can be aware and keep on pushing on my healing journey . It is not easy , but I know I’ll make it through . And I will give myself the validation , selflove , care that I , myself , my body , my soul deserve . Thank you again . God bless you .
I'm currently going through a breakup where the relationship itself was healthy and happy, but as soon as he blind-sided me with how he truly feels it sent me spiraling back to the anxious person I was in all of my unhealthy relationships before him. It's been a month and a half and I'm still spiraling and reeling. This video could not have come at a better time for me. Thank you.
This video BROKE me and humbled me so much.
This was such a call out I definitely needed to hear this goddd I kinda hate how true this is to me it’s making me realize just how much I need to work on n I’ve become aware of my behaviors n thinking
I watch this video like 3 times a day now and it’s helped as I start my journey to becoming secure
I am blown away by this video , I am anxious attached and this makes me want to change. I used to think being a bleeding heart was kindness and love, now I see it as an empty manipulative way of life that pushes people away and takes any chance of real connection away. I want to thank you for this video.
www
Cant thank you enough for this video, nobody ever put this topic in such a comforting and understanding way
This is beautiful. Seriously so well said. I am going to listen to this every single morning unit I can confidently say I’m better. It’s so hard but I know I can do it. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Yes you can become more securely attached. The anxious attachment will still be triggered at times, but you can develop more security over anxiety. The important piece is to acknowledge the trigger and choose to respond in a healthier manner.
Healing core memories is the most effective approach. This core memory is the reason you have a trigger. Once this memory is healed, the trigger no longer has any power over your behavior. For example, if your partner says or does something that triggers your anxiety and threatens the connection, explore the earliest time you felt this type of feeling. Once you have discovered the source of this trigger, work with your therapist or with regressive work to heal this experience and the irrational thoughts that the experience created in your mind. You matter and have value, someone in your life made you doubt your value, so take your value back!
how i know what happen in the past?!?
All i know is when i was 3/4 years old my parents send me away and i lived 3 years with my uncle/aunty in another country is this my trigger?
I definitely lost my best relationship over both my anxious attachment style and my partners fearful avoidant style. It was a terrible combo. But part of me hopes if we both work on ourselves we might cross paths again one day. I love your video!
That’s my husband and I (I think - actually he’s a complete mystery to me). Its not a great combo tbh - he has very few emotional needs and I have far too many.
It’s exhausting being constantly anxious that something is going to go wrong, even when my partner is the most kind, assuring person who has never given me any reason to worry. I want with everything in me to be free from this, im 49 and I have had enough.
6 mins in and im hooked
it’s so refreshing getting advice from someone who has gone through this
"People are born as they are, but people make themselves into who they want to be." - powerful.
Another anxiously attached man here. My 9 year old marriage has just ended not long ago and I only came to learn that I'm anxiously attached towards the end of the marriage. During most of the marriage it wasn't an issue and actually it wasn't the core reason why the marriage ended, but right now when I try my first steps at dating, I definitely feel the same old anxiety hitting me. After few weeks of texting and only one date with a girl I anxiously wait her to call or text me and creating scenarios of how the whole thing will fail... It's just crazy that eventually all those things in life will come back haunting you until you don't fix them. But it's never too late. Thank you for the video.
Wow I’m in the same predicament right now. I just ended a 9yr old marriage and met a guy and now I’m emotionally a mess. Wondering if he likes me, when he’s going to call. It’s an awful feeling. I just recently learned that I have anxious attachment. Im working really hard on myself and I can’t wait to feel more secure about myself. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. We will get through this 😊
@@jmarie1831 Thank you for the kind words. :) 4 months now passed since my comment and after working hard and consistently on my attachment issues I can definitely feel improvement! :) Meditation, mindfulness techniques, focusing on myself, hitting the gym regularly, finding new hobbies - they indeed do work! Don't give up hope and be present, be consistent, and be kind to yourself! I wish you all the best. :)
i am a 17 year old girl who has never been able to pin point what makes every relationship so awful. The absolute hell i put myself through when i don’t have a constant conversation with someone i want to be loved. i so desperately want to be loved the way i love but i watching this made me realize my ways of love are anxious. i cannot explain how relieved i feeel that i am not only not crazy but i now have a name for why i am the way i am. i can’t express this enough but thank you for going through what u did to be able to help someone like me.
In My previous relationship, I was the one with the secure attachment, and my ex was the anxious one. It drove me away but I was so understanding and had my own issues letting go that I stayed way too long and it destroyed me. It ended worse than anything I could have imagined. Now I am the one with the anxious attachment, thank you for posting these. This is my new journey ❤
My ex was an anxious attachment I still love her but she just DROWNED me in her attachment and felt so suffocated. I made a promise to love her no matter what but she ended up being so insecure and jealous that eventually she just wanted to end things as hard as it was for her but jesus christ.....I really don't understand anxious attachments. Hopefully she finds healing but I need to focus on myself now. Because, it's my life now.
You cannot love someone past their pain. They have to do their own work to be able to love themselves. You cannot fix someone who is broken.
I would say do your best to heal your anxious attachment and also realize that it is so important to find a good match. The right man will not mind you being anxious and seeking validation SOMETIMES. Learn to spot avoidance red flags and untrustworthiness in potential partners early on. If I had seen and recognized the red flags early on (first date he was LATE!) I would have spared myself much heartache. However I do not regret the relationship as it taught me so much.
I’m literally sitting in my car at the park balling my eyes out relating to everything she evaluated… I needed to hear this😞 God heal me
Wow. It's like getting described by someone who understands things that i haven't talked about to anyone. Thank you for this breakdown of the attachment style. I remember myself as being very vibrant, energetic, abd confident kid until i became 12 years of age and saw my parents fighting. Got into severe depression and started to cling to people. But now that i see the problem, solution is crystal clear. ❤
This video hits me. I’ve been struggling anxious attachment for many months now. I have to really work on myself because my bf is trying his best to make our relationship work. I have been self-sabotaging. I thought I was alone feeling this way. But it’s good to understand my own emotions and hear advice on how to overcome it. I love this video ❤
Aww you're not alone siss🥺❤️🫂✨
As a licensed therapist who specializes in attachment therapy, I must say that you did a fantastic job explaining the anxious attachment style and I love your examples to overcome. Very practical. I will be sharing this with my clients. It helps sometimes when clients hear from people who have overcome. Blessings!
Margarita I needed this!!! I am here because I want to change! My anxious attachment was always there as a young girl, learning I was adopted, fear of death, fear of losing loved ones, loss of identity, and it seemed to worsen overnight in my 50s. Thank you!
Man, this video just appeared in my feed like a miracle, I have been trying to work on my mental health because I know that something is not quite right in the way I behave, I have been trying to work on childhood traumas but still I felt lime something was missing and I think this is it. I could relate to this completely. This is it. What you've described it is me. Thank you so much. I now know what I need to work on along with my childhood traumas.
Everything you described as someone with anxious attachment is everything I do/say/feel. I don’t know how I got here but I need out.. I’m hurting myself over and over
We need to get stuff like this teached in school.. so we doesn't hurt each other and leave so much scars..
For now I am anxious attached.. but I hope this will change 😄
If you think you can or you think you can’t, then you’re probably right. No idea who said it but it’s true and good luck on your journey.
@@tonydeegan6303 Hey Tony the quote you mentioned is by Henry Ford 😇 thank you very much :-)
I just discovered you and your channel by this video and I must say WOW. Spot on! I love how direct you address all these things in all honesty without sugarcoating it, telling how it is, but also talking from a place of empathy since this has been your reality, too. I finally managed to end up in a wonderful healthy relationship and oh boy do I feel all these things you talk about coming up inside me. These past few months I set myself out on the journey of tackling this attachment style with all the love, knowledge and strength I know I have within myself. Proud to say I got much better in this already, but still struggle here and there. You give me not only (additional) hope that I can do this, but also the steps I need to take in order to overcome this and to enjoy and accept all the honest and sincere love I'm so grateful for to be getting now.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou for sharing your wisdom and for the book recommendations! All the best to you.
Your amazing in your no nonsense way. I’ve lost count in how many times I’ve watched this particular video. Every time I feel I’m falling back in my old tracks, it never fails to get me back to the right one. Thank you so much.
This video snapped me out of my delusional anxiety I was feeling about a specific person. THANK YOU. I just came across your videos but I will be watching more and more. Thank you I really needed this babe! Wow I have had major anxious attachment from childhood abandonment and I didn’t realize some of it was still stuck in me despite all the healing I’ve done. ❤
Wow. I honestly feel like this is one of the most important videos I've ever watched in my life. This helps me make so much sense of the pain and unhappiness I have been perpetuating in my life over and over. I've been so confused not understanding why nothing is getting better for me. Now I finally see it and I can begin to correct it. Thank you❤️🙏
INCREDIBLE VIDEO! I have been on this journey for nearly 6 months and cannot express how reading attached changed my understanding of myself. This video is EXACTLY what I need to hear and I think I'll probably watch it weekly as reminder to keep working on myself. Really great job and thank you for speaking up and saying it in plain english that we all need to hear!
I am so tired of feeling this way!!!
I love this video.
I have been working for a year in my anxious attachment. And I find that I can't make this shift bymyself. EMDR has been a great tool, awareness, and a lot of work.
I am Still anxious. But I truly believe that once I get to be secure.. my life is going to be better.
Whats EMDR 😬