the more i analyze love and dating in this day and age, i have decided to aim for becoming a hermit and live in the woods alone for the rest of my life.
Anything can be analyzed until it's spoiled, love is meant to be experienced not fully understood, society is awful but there are still wonderful individuals, don't lose hope
I got tired of the 'no contact' crap everytime he couldn't sit there and discuss issues like an adult, but ran away like a child with his hands over his ears! I flipped the script and returned 'no contact'....forever!
Same!! I totally understand....so painful 😢 Avoidants (mine) don't have or understand emotions .....so easy it seems to dismiss/detatch/run!! I've had to ignore any contact....for my own sanity😢
I soooo agree! My guy use to.put his hands over his ears all the time, weather I was trying to be clam & rational or not. It didn't matter! I got so tired of this childish behavior, oh but, when they're ready to express themselves, they have the need to be heard and HATE it if you ignore them, smh 🤦🏽♀️
My previous relationship with an avoidant guy made me thought that I was crazy and clingy for being overly anxious. Until I met someone who's very communicative and initiates transparency without me asking for it. I felt secure and it lead me to realize, that I'm not crazy. I just haven't found the right person.
Sometimes this can be a sign that that person was a fearful avoidant all along or has just now become fearful avoidant due to the negative experience with their avoidant.
I don't do "no contact". Doesn't work anyway. I give my 100% and more to make a relationship work. And if thats still not working, its "be done" phase. No looking back. Hence be done and congratulate your avoidant ex because he finally fulfilled his destiny to avoid you and your love.
Define "work". If you want to get over them it absolutely does. If you expect it to work by getting them back... there is never any guarantee with an avoidant. But at least you dont look desperate and send the message that rheir behavior is okay with you and you have the upper hand.
I think a lot of people who are labelled an “anxious attacher” actually aren’t always that way before dating a dismissive avoidant. I mean - most people want to feel love from someone they care about right? I think there’s a difference between someone who is in a stable relationship but constantly needs attention, and someone who is normally quite independent but is asking for basically the bare minimum from their avoidant partner, which in turn is making them anxious about their partners devotion to them.
@FurryNudez because of the way you’re describing her… how she’s reaching out and then pretending not to know you, saying stuff that you know isn’t true. You’re portraying her in that way and then defending her when someone else calls her behaviour out… maybe you need to evaluate the situation as a whole and if her actions are healthy ones to have in your life
4 years…One day “I can’t believe that I have you, I always wonder if this isn’t just a really good dream” the next day “I think this relationship has run its course.”
This really hits home. I got so many "What did I do to deserve you?" and "You're perfect" speeches (no exaggeration) and then boom, ice cold, break up, then no contact. This was my first time in a relationship with a DA; I'm a secure type. It absolutely shook me to my foundations. But I have moved on entirely.
@@rapthemusicalso I felt that way about a girl I was talking to, I thought she was perfect & would let her know. Then when I found more about her, I ended up losing interest & couldn’t do anything about it. I actually thought I was ready for a relationship after some time of isolation but then that happened. Point is that we aren’t all bad guys which is what people seem to think. I am self aware & don’t want to get into anything because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I try to work on myself but sometimes I feel it’s hopeless & I should just be on my own even though I crave real love & connection. We’re all human really
It truly baffles me. Whenever I tried to ask why or tried to explain how she hurt my feelings she would either twist it into my fault, or she would just leave/disengage. I am very solution oriented and that somehow was the downfall of our 1.5 year relationship.
Seriously! My ex told me up front that he could be childish and I’m thinking it was just some of his hobbies… ooooh noooo! Buddy is just completely immature!!! I am so upset I came across him after I’ve done so much work on myself!!! And all the advice is just on how to coddle them!!! Please!
It can be very manipulative the way they talk when you’re trying to have an important discussion. Avoidants although not narcissistic, sometimes really cross over with narcissist tendencies.
It's funny because I have dated two avoidant guys and both of them swore they thought of themselves as being blunt and direct but ultimately they were big avoidants!
Well, they are.. When it comes to things non emotional or vulnerable.. They can be harsh and direct. The moment it comes to feelings they can still get harsh and direct in a dismissive manner or in setting boundries. Anyways the directness is gone when it comes to their needs and feelings than you see more passive aggressive or talking indirectly about a topic, only sharing a part of the story or ignoring it and all that stuff.
As a former avoidant this is so accurate. At first when you break up you actually feel a relief. For a long period of time there is no emotion about it at all, there’s a sense of getting yourself back. Then at some point you’ll start thinking about the ex again and remembering the good times. Next stage you’ll have some kind of trigger where the emotion of the breakup with hit you harder, then you get very nostalgic about it and start to yearn for the relationship again and beat yourself up for how you acted. It’s actually a horrible way to live your life and can end up in a really dark place.
I struggle with hearing how there’s a sense of “relief” after losing someone who was important in your life regardless of the attachment style. To credit the breakup for forward movement and progress in life seems like accountability isn’t taken since you could have faced challenges together if direct communication and honesty was present. Only then could there be a real chance at saving a relationship which naturally creates a healthier environment to grow alongside one another. People aren’t easily replaceable and I think social media makes us all believe we can just continue restarting with new people carrying old issues.
@@listeningbrenthat's right, I can see that here in the comments too. However, especially if you are a compassionate person, this anger and bitterness after a torturous relationship helps to avoid the avoidants and to break the cycle of falling for them again and again before they started healing/are healed. It's a bit harsh at times but maybe necessary?
the avoidance is what hurts the most and especially when they said "they cared so much about you" its straight evil they are basically saying f*ck my emotions - ok f*ck yours too - I am avoiding them now FOREVER. I definitely don't want an "avoidant" ever again!!
I've heard so many stories just like yours growing up. The dating scene is all manners of f***ed up and got even worse 10 fold with online dating. I'm 35 and been single my whole life. Its a sick game of "say all the right things to get you into bed" Men teaching men to be players. and women teaching women to be boss babes and bad bitches.... Men like me are throwing in the towel and turning tail because there is no winning in a game that's rigged from the start. The Nuclear family is nothing but a pipe dream for most.... With more focus on lust than love, and dating coaches convincing everyone to "make sure that spark is there"..... If they say all the right things.... ITS A DAMN TRAP!
Me too, they're evil. Wasn't a boyfriend but who I considered my best friend. She was so dissmisive in the last convo we had when she decided we "took distance". I litt had to go to psiquiatric help and get meds. I miss her horribly but at the same time I dont thnk I want to see her ever again.
When i sas this mesages, then I saw 1% battery percentage, so this is In synch means the evil bad energy is now at 1%",so almost none, zerro, or it no existing, or is anulated, whatever it is... Some great News at least.
They like to leave u hanging like a plan B Incase their new options don't go as planned. Tried to do this but could not take it and helped him say what he should have
This is me. I’ve never felt relationship anxiety before and it’s not fun. Contemplating if it’s worth it to stay and try and help her heal or just walk away for myself
avoidants can turn secure people anxious, even avoidant, themselves. never again. i will just walk away next time the first few red flags appear. wasted so much time, effort, money and love on her. i lost everything. what a fool i was.
Im healing from the same thing … also we aren’t the fools for being willing to love. We’re the rare brave ones. It’s the avoidant who is the fool they turn love away to look cool. It’s their loss, literally.
I am anxious and hoping to learn and heal through my relationship with an avoidant woman, because I am more or less concious about what happends and while It's painful I can observe my reaction and how she is acting... Still, I don't wont to judge her completely. I am helping her a lot with daily things and hope she isn't just using me to get my help....
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer waste time trying to understand someone that gave up on the relationship. Any moments of clarity or enlightenment that I have will only be for my benefit, and the benefit of my future relationships regardless of the dynamic, there’s no point in holding a grudge or bitterness but humanizing someone’s cruelty serves no purpose. Those that genuinely want to be in your life or have remorse for their actions will make the effort, it’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes but preserve your dignity and move on. Focus on yourself, that project or hobby you’ve been putting off and take some time to grieve and do some introspection then save your best for the next person who actually deserves it.
My avoidant ex broke up with me for the third time last week just when we were planning to live together. And my stupid anxious ass still loves him and wants him back.
Man…the more I learn about this, the more I view it as selfish, childish, and coddled. People in that situation need a parent figure and need to heal. It’s impossible to build a family this way.
@LoveLeigh313 That's because they know what they had when they were with you- quality they couldn't find in other relationships... You give them chance after chance to re-write those wrongs because you love them, but they never do! My grandma used to tell me, They never miss the water until their wells run dry!
Unless they put effort on healing, its a doomed and useless cycle to go through everytime. Heal yourself and dont give them any chance back, because they always want to come back.
YESSS! they will never engage differently if they don't willingly dive inward. the Avoidant must be curious about themselves but i've found it's the Anxious one's doing all the work!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Mine met someone then moved into her mansion..In January he went to Aruba! Wtf .We never broke up..he met her at our State Fair..then a week after we went out for my birthday.. I had no clue..she's a 50 yr old rich widow..😮😮
Mine went on more than 3 trips in 6 months, bought a house. Meanwhile I couldn’t even move or function like a normal human being. Avoidants are unbelievably cruel and cold hearted people. I only wish to never encounter one again!
@GUITARTIME2024 actually I gave in and gave the guy a second chance and he played me again so yeah - one chance is enough - why hurt myself more than once by giving a selfish emotionless person a second chance?
@EverydayAdventures123 because you don't know what else he's going through. I'm a dude so maybe I see it different, but plenty of guys get the hint after a first breakup. If it happens again, then yes, he's done.
Blocking her on all social media was hard but it also gave me huge relief. No more endless hoping she would reach out. No more feeling weird when she can see my "online" status. It helped.
But that’s exactly what avoidants do. You’re being avoidant yourself. Unless I’m being harassed I have no need to block anyone. My avoidant ex is not blocked for me. Because a normal person should be able to move on while still seeing that other person every day.
Was losing interest until you brought up journaling. This was a suggestion to me some time ago, and now I'm addicted to writing hundreds of words every morning on a daily basis. It's is extremely effective in unknotting thoughts and extracting wisdom. It has occurred to me that many accomplished intellectuals likely have a daily journaling habit. I feel that it will perpetually lead to an upgraded life.
After two years (we were long distance so only saw each other every few months), things felt like they were starting to move into a much more open and intimate connection so I asked for a commitment and he told me he loves me, is intensely attracted to me, loves the way I make him feel but that he doesn’t have feelings deep enough to take it to the next level. He said he wants to stay friends and I had to tell him I can’t do that. I’m on Day 8 of no contact and it’s hard but this was very comforting. Thank you.
@@paugarciabcn ugh totally! I’m so sorry you went through the same thing. I was so confident in our connection and what I had to bring to the table that I didn’t for one second think he wouldn’t be down to make it more official. I was so surprised when he said that after careful thought he realized he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. This was the most intensely connected relationship I’ve ever had. Our chemistry is insane and we’ve been friends for 15 years. But … he has a lot of unresolved trauma and I’ve done a lot of self help work and he hasn’t.
@@magicisreal111 same here, met his parents and family and was embraced by all of them, but then she got fired, went on a 3 month working holiday, and one day she called to say she no longer had feelings. What a waste, I know someday she will regret it because I gave her everything a woman would want to have from a partner. Support, nurture, protection, fun and great sex. Damn.
Avoidants feel power and control when they end it, they are confidently taking charge. Dismissing someone allows them an opportunity to select a new source of supply. The novelty of someone new.
That's exactly what is their problem...they don't have the capacity or will to create deep, long lasting relationship to be vulnerable, committed and and invested in others. They are very broken, selfish people who want to be pedestalized and catered to, but will breadcrumb you to get a rise out of your neediness and anxiety that THEY CREATED...the same anxiety and neediness they punish you for with their pushing away and NO CONTACT B. S. You intrigue them when your shiny and new and they can play emotional dress up to lure you into their web of subterfuge: gasing their ego, curiousity and delusion that they are good humans capable of true relationships. Yet, deep down they know they have NO intentions of form any deep, meaningful and lasting relationship with you. They use you for the supply and experience you provide then start playing mind games with you.
Venting… An avoidant’s cold shoulder is vicious and heartless. I don’t care about the thought process in their head anymore…it’s just cruel. My ex did this to me 2x. First time was when we were 20-21 years old around Christmas. Appeared and reappeared over text/calls for the next 11 years, then i let him back in, finally. We WERE in a second relationship for 6.5 years this second time around, and I was a fool. A few weeks ago he went ice cold when I brought up commitment (building a future together) and suddenly he just stopped caring/loving, became an asshole, then ghosted me. So strange and cruel and hurtful. Feels like he never cared at all. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone new without giving me proper closure. WHO DOES THIS SHIT? Avoidants, I guess. Had I known anything about avoidant attachment styles 6.5 years ago, I would not have engaged in a second serious relationship with him. He future faked the whole time making me think he wanted a real partnership and build a home together, forever. What a lie. I never even met a single family member of his. Never visited his home. Didn’t meet his friends. I felt like something must be deeply wrong with me and I just couldn’t see it-even though my other 2 serious relationships proudly let me into their life and family and homes, he let me believe it was me. I can’t wait for the day i no longer have any feelings for him. In the meantime, these videos help me make sense of things and stop the uncontrollable sobs. 💔 /vent
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I have 5 years relationship when we ended 'up I keep trusting God. I allow God to heal me. Try to listen a love song and meditate it if you want to cry just cry....that's makes you relieve. ❤
I'm currently going through this 'no contact' sh!t with the coward avoidant who would always run away like a chicken everytime i tried to make ''us'" sit down, talk through our problems and settle things in good terms for once n for all. Therefore, i decided to forever leave this crap as it is and move on with my life by focusing on bettering myself.
Avoidants are weak. All my exes who have been avoidant admit their weakness to face tough things. Anxious avoidant are some of the toughest human beings to exist.
@@healingwithcharlie They have not developed the avoidance coping mechanisms that make compartmentalizing so easy, chunking up stress and practicing escapism to minimize the pain. Anxious types rather face it all at once, learning simply to bear the extreme weight of suffering while continuing the live their lives as best they can. Avoidants are like alcoholics who numb their pain, anxious types are like boxers who get in the ring knowing what they are in for. I'm not saying avoidants dont feel pain, or have some capacity for courage and strength, it's just that their coping style is fundamentally weak. Though note, I haven't said which is a more intelligent strategy... I admire avoidants ability to split things in that regard, but their cowardice far outshines that to me.
Just another perspective, although it does seem weak to avoid hard feelings, I think that for a lot of avoiders they don’t know another way. I think that I tend to lean towards avoidant behaviors and I’m just realizing it as I’ve gotten older. Through both of my serious break ups I experienced relief, then numbness, and then later I felt nostalgic and heartbroken over the relationships. It really took me by surprise because I genuinely just thought the relationships had run their course and that I didn’t feel very sad because it was what was meant to happen. I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to feel or express my emotions. I think I learned how to turn them off a little too well, but they always hit. Even years later.
@@josephl6289 I've been both sides - anxious and avoidant. I don't think saying that either type is superior to the other is the way to go about it. They each experience fundamentally different struggles, and have develop their own styles of 'toughness' (as you put it) to deal with the issues that occur in relationships. I grew up in a family that caused me to develop an anxious attachment. Taking this into my first relationship, I felt that I was able to take hit after hit, knowing that I'd probably get hurt again. It gave me a sense of 'toughness', thinking that I was resilient enough to bear all this weight while still continuing to give and show up. After that relationship, the toughest thing to do for myself was to leave. I associated what it meant to be loved with getting hurt, so much so that I began to find comfort in it. Is it a tough feat to stay in something that causes continuous hurt? That said, I developed an avoidant attachment from that ex, as I thought that this was the 'right' way to love. Just coming out of another relationship (broke up a few days ago), I learned that I had dismissive tendencies to his anxiety, leading to fights. A big part of an avoidant's coping mechanism is conflict avoidance - while you mention that this coping style is 'weak', there are many avoidants out there that try their best to continue to make the relationship work despite knowing the incoming conflicts coupled with the conflict avoidance tendencies. Wouldn't you say this is some form of resilience? Again, no one style is superior to the other, and saying that one is better normalizes promoting these negative attachment styles. I still see where you're coming from though. I guess it's ultimately a spectrum, it's never 100% anxious/avoidant so there's always some capacity for mutual understanding. I'd probably say the best way forward is to know the source of each other's pain and going from there.
Thank you for making this video. I have been toiling with confusion, and on the brink of deep depression, due to being blindsided by an avoidant. Your video gave me the tools to come to the conclusion that I need to make the conscious decision to not allow my self-esteem and sense of self-worth to be impacted by the avoidant person's rollercoaster ride. I realize that their issues are just that...their own issues. It did not originate with me - because I was perfectly fine with myself before I subconsciously (or unconsciously) gave away my power and emotional autonomy to another person. I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride, and I'm going to focus on loving myself and taking better care of myself.
Avoidants will never make you happy .... but the rollercoaster is exciting thats how they keep you attached .... Ive finally let go and it feels great!!! she wants me back but the pattern will repeat again and again .
this is an excellent well explained video. As you have said you're an anxious attachment individual however there are some of us who are secure and are just as confused by a DA' s behavior.
You forget that some of their "Creature comforts" are all the other "love interests" and superficial connections that they have cultivated even WHILE u were still in a "relationship" to fall back to when they break up with you. Happened with me. As soon as I ended the relatonship after realising it was draining me, and that he was already talking to smb else, he started dating that exact other girl. )))
Although creature comforts usually relate to hobbies, passions, interests or basic needs, people can fill that role if they provide the same feeling of reassurance and warmth that inanimate comforts can offer. Not the healthiest form of a creature comforting, but a creature comforting nonetheless
What happens when you go no contact with an avoidant attachment type? They experience ‘separation elation’. They are probably relieved. Because of their early unaddressed emotional wounds they feel easily overwhelmed when relationships get close. They feel guilty. You going no contact will probably be a relief. Will they feel said? Unless they also have a personality disorder like narcissism or anti social personality for example, they will feel sad and guilty about the relationship not working out. They may with the distance of time come to idealise the relationship you had with them and compare future relationships to the one they had with you regretting that they let you get away. But if you were to come back together your relationship will be the same as before unless they choose to work on their issues and you as their partner work with them on the relationship recognising your own attachment issues and what you bring to the table . Begin with asking yourself, why was I attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable or distant ? Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you are securely attached.
No contact is a relief to them. They do feel sad though. But weeks months later and not because it is over but because they are the victim of themselfs again. And start the same bs over again. Never take them back!! Boohoo 😂
That makes so much sense. My ex couldn't stop talking about his ex from 9 years ago and how great she was. I once asked him if he still loved her. To which he said no. I thought it was great that he still spoke so positively about his ex but as I got to know more it didn't quite add up.
1000%! I had to learn that last part. Like why would I want someone who was so okay with walking away from me when I needed him most? Who could walk away from me while I was sobbing…yuck. Never want that again.
When my ex aviodant doubled back I was married and moved on with a wonderful secure man. He gave me the gift of findind my suitable partner with happiness and peace. ❤
Avoidants do not give a damn. Especially if they move on fast.. when they are done you are nothing to them. My ex left with someone within a week and she seems happy af and doing better but that’s ok I’ll heal
I just hope one day he can open his heart up to someone and truly experience the love they have to give. I hope he learns from our experience and doesnt measure everything with the yardstick of past failed relationships and gives love a chance. I hope he realizes that someone caring for him and loving him is not "moving too fast" and I hope the next time he does not get cold feet when someone brings up committment because getting to experience love with someone is beautiful. I hope he doesn't give up on something that could potentially be so beautiful even before giving it a chance. I'll heal with time. But hopefully, I would also be able to treat this as a learning experience :)
I am so pissed at people who know what they are but choose to do nothing about it. I’ve spent 3,5 years in therapy and managed to overcome my mostly avoidant attachment style to give that security to my friends and family and romantic connections. I was in such a great place mentally before I met my ex. And over the last 2,5 years he sucked joy and love out of me to then cheat on me with another woman and say he never made any commitments. He even dared to demand to cater to his needs (and he wants full-time care, attention, prioritisation, for me to be there for him whenever he needs to connect or get support) while having zero security and safety in this relationship. I cannot wait to start healing and to never experience that again
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
You are at the early stage of a painful process. The sudden ending of a longstanding relationship seems very cruel. This happened to me. My avoidant partner decided to end it a few hours after we celebrated our agreement to get married, and initiated no contact. Actually, I think she made the right decision because it would have been a difficult marriage. I have now moved on and met someone more suitable, and it is beautiful because our mutual needs are met so easily, whereas I was kidding myself that the past relationship was working when it was not. My advice: look to the future.
Space out the emotions to deal with....yup that makes sense. I am an "anxious" or at least veer towards that, and i like to get everything out in the open and deal with it all!!!!.My ex left me 5 times in 3 and a half years!!! Finally left me (after just hours before telling me i was their future!!), four days after my Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My Dad died 2 weeks later, and *still* my ex maintained no contact!!!!! It is so rude and self-centred. I know there's tons of reasons behind it, but it's truly horrendous, and leaves those of us left behind, feeling like death/dying. 😢😢😢
sorry to hear about your dad. regardless of their reasons, it is still no excuse to treat someone who loves you that way. to what degree they are aware of what they are doing or not, they are still aware they are hurting you and playing games. horrible people.
I thought I got a genuine apology from him 7 months after. Soon after that we were talking again, even though he had already "moved on", and again a year from that. Both times he seemed completely oblivious how it might hurt to talk to me and give hints that he might be interested, only to retreat again when I asked for affirmation. I don't think that apology is so genuine anymore, it doesn't seem like he actually regrets the consequences of his actions
Thank you! This was so insightful. I, an anxious, got back together with my DA bf exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 3y before my bf “suddenly” broke up with me. Really turbulent on again off again for the first 2m and then no contact for 4-5m after that. Caught him right at the nostalgia stage ig and now we’re better than ever. Had no idea about attachment styles until recently. Learned a lot about them unknowingly while getting to know my bf. But It’s been quite the battle unpacking the break up. 1st was understanding how he could suddenly end it with out confiding with me and tried to fix it together. I could’ve adjusted if his needs weren’t being met Etc. I realized his suppressing nature and was soon able to get over it. But One of the lingering feelings Ive had even a year later is regarding how he could “move on” and “forget about me” even though I knew (and now confirmed) that he still cared. Ur “move on phase” explanation got me closer to coming to terms with this one so thank you!
How about detaching to an appropriate emotional state and come to the conclusion that you are ok and not to personalize the others behavior? Just love like a Stoic. Love but in a witnessing way. Once you know how to be your own best friend and really love yourself you have the room to allow avoidants or any other type of attacher to just be. Know whats realistic for any relationship and manage your own expectations. Understand your own boundary needs.
I wish I could do this, but I have a major internal emotional response to their behaviour that I can't stop or control no matter how hard I try. Avoidants are mentally exhausting.
Yeah, that's not being a Stoic. Stoics still feel emotions acutely, they just know what should and shouldn't be focused on/worried about (the Trichotomy of Needs). While they would very much be able to detach *a bit* and try and be as accepting as possible, they would also live according to highest virtue, and hurting oneself and living with unresolved anger is not the Stoic way. Stoics aren't robots = they have needs and desires in life, they just refer to them as 'preferred indifferents'. Doesn't mean they're not important.
What a horrible loop anxious attackers get stuck in, chasing honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase. Doomed to live surface level relationships unless they work on themselves. He’s going to be a loser forever, stuck in a victim mindset rather than working through his avoidance patterns, all depressed wondering why it never works out for him when he runs away and sabotages everything of any value in his life. Many anxious attachers create a similar cycle to narcissistic abuse.
Why should we care about the avoidant's feelings? They only care about themselves, why should their emotional wellbeing matter more than the other party? Why should we take it so much into consideration when they're not accounting for the other person's devastation at all???
I don't really know how to thank you Dr OLUWASEUN for your great spell, you're great at your work I thank you for bringing my lover back with your love spell😊 ❤
Thank you , this video was super helpful. Went through a situation and seeing this is helping understand but still hurts very much. I have an anxious attachment. The more I sought clarity the further the person pulled away.
When I healed my traumas, I could clearly see my ex avoidant, who as they all do, broke up with me without any proper explanations or closure, as a lost little boy, who doesn’t know how to deal with his difficult emotions
I was 6 years out with no contact when they reached out. It was such an emotional roller-coaster trying to decide if I even wanted this person in my life. They were asking for us to be friends. All we ever had b/f was a situationship, and we're both now married (to someone else). I've been doing my work, and it was apparent that they had not. For a moment, I thought they were on the narcissism spectrum with the discard, idealization, love bomb, etc. phases, but this video gave me a lot of aha's. I was sad to have to release them again, because although I'm happily married, I care about their well-being. But the hot and cold, mixed signals were making me anxious. I was unable to trust their intentions. I changed my number and have been no contact (again) for over a year. It hurts sometimes, but it feels good to have chosen myself over another toxic cycle. I've taken time to grieve this time around and realized that I too was/am an avoidant, and I was going through these phases you described in this video, which also contributed to the breakdown and the nostalgia for them while being married to someoneelse. Mind blown!! I still have work to do.❤️
Wow! I have to say that there wont be ANY possibility for my ex to contact me after a year! In my case there is a child involved which he is avoiding too, so I will somehow conected to this person for ever, but if he doesnt come back, he wont be able to contact me in person or via phone...dont want to see an Ex after 6 years, lol.
@DeaDellaFortuna, I get it. People change and grow though. One thing I've learned is to never say never. We weren't in a bad space, and I'm happily married, so I didn't care if he came back. I guess I was curious to hear what he had to say after all that time. He THOUGHT he was coming back to apologize and start a friendship. And apologize he did. It was then I realized God had given me the beautiful gift of closure, because I realized I'd grown to know that I only want emotionally available people in my life, even as a friend. He thought it was a new hello; I KNEW he'd come back to say goodbye.
The mixed signals are hell to deal with. I just recently deleted her number and all texts. Crazy part I was feeling her like no other. Just had to do it.
Very good video I’m in no contact right now with my ex avoidant girlfriend. We were together for 10 years. She broke up with me suddenly 4 months ago. She’s 46 and running around town with all sorts of guys loving being single I guess. I pleaded with her for the first four months, but I’ve had it.
Same as me but 13 years… I tried and tried to get her just to talk to me but I’m done… she ghosted me bcus I asked if she was seeing someone else I guess that meant yes smh
So much trauma. Nobody deserves this and they didn't deserve what hairbrush that made them like that. Makes me wish I was in Heaven with my sister. No drama or messy relationships there.
Now at the other end of our relationship and feeling 'tossed' away and the pain being exacerbated by no care behaviour / no contact. I'm glad this video found me as I am trying so hard to be strong, accepting no contact. My aim is to genuinely hope his future is bright and to know mine is. He has done me a favour with his no contact. The 'deceit' that went beforehand and settling himself up for when he was ready to move on is harder to accept. Also the knowledge that he will share a narrative to his people that will put me solely to blame. Yet my reactive behaviours were triggered by instincts that I now know we're spot on. I feel both sad and angry that adult conversations would have avoided the issues even developing. I feel cheated out of a future that had so much potential by behaviours we both developed from abuse or neglect by others in our past.
It’s so sad knowing that if they’d been equal participants in the relationship who were willing to communicate you could have fixed some of your issues in a half hour. I know it’s maddening. Stay strong
It takes me a while to fully detach, but when I do, it’s a done deal. Im tired of putting my compromising my self respect for someone who doesn’t even respect me. I’ve been so supportive of him and gave him all the love I had to give. He's done several things that are considered deal breakers for me like calling me out of my name, hanging up on me, screaming at me, and his immature ways. He never holds himself accountable and blames other people for his actions by saying it is just a reaction from what I did. I think he’s a narcissist that has serious mental issues and I’m not dealing with it anymore. It’s time to move on and find the love and respect that I deserve ❤️ we all deserve that and I hope everyone in the comments finds that.
Its been almost 2 months since he left me. That morning that he discarded me and left he said "tell me that you love me" which I did. He came over my house a few hours later and said:" Everything is wrong! We are done! Go find somebody else"! and ran out the door and drove away. I still to this day have no idea what happened. My heart still hurts but watching these coaching videos and joining a support group really helps. I don't feel so alone. 4 years of my life wasted, its so sad but crazy.
Cool video. Unfortunately, my 2 year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me. I still love him so much and can't stop thinking about him. I've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail. avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
It's difficult to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation when my 12 year relationship ended. I couldn't just let him go, so I did everything I could to get him back. I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who assisted me in reuniting with him.
Oooohhh, I get it now. Saw the same exact comment thread under a different video, seemingly only loosly connected to this one. I responded with scepticism... But it was not real. Because you have an agenda. Or this is a bot. Either way, using emotional story and getting the attention of vulnerable people to make them interested in something shady... Is vile.
No contact works AFTER you put them in their place, hold them accountable & serve them what they want on a silver platter. My ex wanted to break up out of nowhere. So I let her know how it’s bs. Then moved on and started dating other girls like she told me to do. Now she’s crawling back and I told her to stop bothering me and seek help.
Thank you so much for making this video. I have an anxious attachment style but I am working on healing from all this and am in therapy. I recently was in a relationship with someone who I just realized has avoidant attachment style which explains his behavior. We are in the no contact phase. If he does come back again like he has the other times I will tell him that he has to go to therapy and heal from his trauma that is causing his avoidant attachment before we can be together again.
😮there is absolutely NO original experience in the WORLD!!! Just spells out my life RIGHT in front of me & doesn’t even know me!!! This was very well expressed & beautifully put together! Thank you for that!!! 😊😊😊
I think this was interesting perspective in looking at how the other may be doing. I’m a moving on type of person. I don’t think life should be wasted in that. Life is to short.
There are definitely variables that'll affect this. How avoidant they are and if they broke up with you or vice versa. I'm FA, and my husband is DA. I broke up with him two times during the first two years. He tried to accept it but came back. Agreed to therapy, etc. Which helped us both. We're doing better than I believed we could. When an avoidant ex broke up with me, though, he moved out while I was at work. He'd reach out randomly after but never wanted the relationship again.
Agreed! Attachment styles and how they handle breakups or no contact is very fluid. Variables like the length of the relationship, why the breakup happened, and who initiated it all play a role in it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Love your voice! It's very soothing. Just found this channel, very grateful. Fearful avoidant here, after my latest break up, and this is really helpful!
after trying and begging to get him back, after him just asking to be friends, i’m finally going no contact, only for a while. maybe one day he’ll regret losing those feelings for me.
So the bottom line is that they have in general a great time with no suffering or regrets whatsoever. Which leaves one feeling like some putrid worthless trash.
@@sambo92 This really hit me as well.. He was my first and not knowing much about his past made sense why he's the avoidant that he is today. He showered me with promises and sweet words that made a young foolish girl like me to believe and trust with all her heart. It's something different when you're someone who tries to avoid having regrets in life so you make sure who you choose is a great one but I also should've seen it coming that they are capable of giving empty promises and love bomb you or have you only as a rebound/distraction from the past relationships they haven't told you about. And I'm over here continuously explaining myself to myself for how I didn't deserve to be treated that way only to realize he was right about everything; that I deserve better.. .. despite it being a hard pill to swallow because I loved him and still do.. considering he's my first love. .this thing really does take a lot of healing and moving on.. hope he's realizing things himself and feel a sense of remorse for how he made me feel hurt. I just hope he did love me at some extent and I wasn't a total fool for fully trusting him after everything. Only time can tell I guess.
That's all they ever wanted from the beginning: a good time. They never wanted something serious, any level of commitment, or have to reciprocate any level of selflessness..... They just want a good time to mask their own self destructive bs ass characteristics
Damn, this genuinely made me have a bit of a panic response because it really describes my ex and I's breakup well, but it's a much needed realization!! I'm an anxious attachment type person, and he was avoidant. Thank you for talking about this, I think it's definitely given me an insight into a person I do still care deeply about and love, but felt hurt and blindsided when he initiated the breakup. I still haven't moved on entirely, it's been three weeks as of tomorrow... But each day I understand more why he did it, and why it was what was best! As much as it hurts, if he isn't choosing me right now, he can't be The One. All I can do is keep on keeping on until either we become friends again, grow apart entirely, or MAYBE rekindle something... But I will try my best to heal in the meantime ❤
This is so much and so deep thinking over a person who doesn't have any time/value/care anymore for me in her life.....i dont think its worth it, staying away from such a person is better for my mental health and my life....she isn't bothered abt me at all, why should i be bothered by such a person?
Thank you. This helps me understand what happened between my DA person and me FA. I am the one that separated us after feeling them pull away. That was a year and a half ago. We are now on good terms and talking about what happened. It's a relief to us both that there is no need to demonize one another.
I think I realized from this video that I became a creature comfort as well. 😢💔😭 Just couldn't believe he gave up on us and ghosted me out of the for a week now. There's no apology or even remorse of what happened 😢😢😢
From personal experience.. the best advice i can give is : if you're an anxious attachment, heal first before dating anyone. If you're an avoidant (I'm sure very little to no avoidants watch these kinds of videos anyway) heal first before you date anyone. Yes, you do have childhood issues. heal them. And if you're secure attachment, good luck finding an equal. It's rough out there.
I think the thing is - a lot of people who are labelled the “anxious attacher” in these relationships aren’t always that way in general. They are only “anxious” because they aren’t receiving much emotional clarification from their partner. I myself am a very independent person, but have recently been in a situation where I was only “anxious” because of the lack of emotion I was getting from this girl. On the other hand there are people who are in totally secure relationships with people are clear with them, but still need constant validation.
I’m dating an avoidant but I have to say I am not an attacher. I have warned time and time again the negative distant behaviors with my DA and I have to say our relationship has been pretty amazing - he’s on vacation and the breadcrumbing texts and no calls has allowed me to know my worth and just go no contact. So this is going to probably make his head spin and the only way he will see the reality of this situation is when we are suppose to connect when he comes back. Telling him to his face that he can go kick rocks will be difficult but necessary. I’m so over these behaviors and being tough as nails makes it easy for this door to close.
I was really secure when I met my ex, and secure throughout our entire relationship. We went on a holiday where we were hugely needing a bit of space which sabotaged our relationship. After the holiday I realised how silly this was and my ex was also looking like he was agreeing with me and we agreed to give things another go. Then, when it came to our first date post breakup, he bailed an hour before and completely quit on us. Then I became anxious. Avoidants really do create anxious people
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
The fact he was dating someone new after we separated 4mths. says a lot 😢 I was soo mad. Very resentful, I felt like I wasn't not good enough. It took me a very long time to get over it
The part you said about “deactivation” had me screaming inside like ahhh yess!!! THIS exactly! I’m so glad it’s a real thing! In my recent breakup it seems all he focused on were the negatives (the few times we fought, me wanting to relocate for better life, etc.) and that’s what caused him to essentially end it with me. I was so desperate to make things work but it seemed all I was getting was negativity or not much reaction at all. No fighting for our relationship or anything. It definitely felt cold! I had to even delete social media because I could not stand seeing him post like he is better off. But still living the same old life. I try not to think about it anymore and I’ve become more accepting of our breakup, but a part of me definitely hopes it will all hit him like a bus soon. (It’s been about a couple weeks so far) Anyway, thanks for touching on that…
the more i analyze love and dating in this day and age, i have decided to aim for becoming a hermit and live in the woods alone for the rest of my life.
I totally agree with you.
For real. It's sad.
Anything can be analyzed until it's spoiled, love is meant to be experienced not fully understood, society is awful but there are still wonderful individuals, don't lose hope
Incel epidemic
Me tooo!!!!
I got tired of the 'no contact' crap everytime he couldn't sit there and discuss issues like an adult, but ran away like a child with his hands over his ears! I flipped the script and returned 'no contact'....forever!
Same, it took time but now I can breathe
Same!! I totally understand....so painful 😢 Avoidants (mine) don't have or understand emotions .....so easy it seems to dismiss/detatch/run!! I've had to ignore any contact....for my own sanity😢
Right they are not worth your time
I won’t even acknowledge their existence once they go.
I soooo agree! My guy use to.put his hands over his ears all the time, weather I was trying to be clam & rational or not. It didn't matter! I got so tired of this childish behavior, oh but, when they're ready to express themselves, they have the need to be heard and HATE it if you ignore them, smh 🤦🏽♀️
My previous relationship with an avoidant guy made me thought that I was crazy and clingy for being overly anxious. Until I met someone who's very communicative and initiates transparency without me asking for it. I felt secure and it lead me to realize, that I'm not crazy. I just haven't found the right person.
@@ditampol9570 worst experience of my life, no communication, walking away, disappearing acts etc etc.
Thanks for this comment i see hope for myself
Needed to hear this.
❤❤❤
❤
My avoidant ex said all his exes were anxious…. Now I think we all got our anxiety exacerbated because of him
😅😅😅😅😅😅 so true.
Most likely you're right
Lmao
Same big red flag as "All my (female) exes are crazy"
Narcissism and avoidance often arise from the same wounds. But we can't heal them. They have to heal themselves.
When anxious attachers turn into avoidants BECAUSE of being traumatized by an avoidant. ..
i have actually noticed myself doing this.
That very scenario happened to a close friend 😉
And... you're now a bigger problem 😆. Just get therapy!
I am afraid i would end up an avoidant myself as i am too scared to be with someone now.
Sometimes this can be a sign that that person was a fearful avoidant all along or has just now become fearful avoidant due to the negative experience with their avoidant.
I don't do "no contact". Doesn't work anyway. I give my 100% and more to make a relationship work. And if thats still not working, its "be done" phase. No looking back. Hence be done and congratulate your avoidant ex because he finally fulfilled his destiny to avoid you and your love.
Totally agree
Congratulations you played yourself and sadly hurt someone in the process. Your message made me laugh. Thank you I needed that 😂
@@HoneybeeHearts52not a single neuron in your cranial cavity........
Define "work". If you want to get over them it absolutely does. If you expect it to work by getting them back... there is never any guarantee with an avoidant. But at least you dont look desperate and send the message that rheir behavior is okay with you and you have the upper hand.
Damn I wish the girls in the comments think like these girl that cause so much hurt
I think a lot of people who are labelled an “anxious attacher” actually aren’t always that way before dating a dismissive avoidant. I mean - most people want to feel love from someone they care about right?
I think there’s a difference between someone who is in a stable relationship but constantly needs attention, and someone who is normally quite independent but is asking for basically the bare minimum from their avoidant partner, which in turn is making them anxious about their partners devotion to them.
Hear hear. Totally and utterly agree!
@FurryNudez she sounds absolutely crazy to be honest. I’d just not have any contact with her at all
@FurryNudez because of the way you’re describing her… how she’s reaching out and then pretending not to know you, saying stuff that you know isn’t true. You’re portraying her in that way and then defending her when someone else calls her behaviour out… maybe you need to evaluate the situation as a whole and if her actions are healthy ones to have in your life
100%😊
Wow. You said that right! Spot on.
4 years…One day “I can’t believe that I have you, I always wonder if this isn’t just a really good dream” the next day “I think this relationship has run its course.”
This really hits home. I got so many "What did I do to deserve you?" and "You're perfect" speeches (no exaggeration) and then boom, ice cold, break up, then no contact. This was my first time in a relationship with a DA; I'm a secure type. It absolutely shook me to my foundations. But I have moved on entirely.
@brianm5637
mine said very similar words.
Oh my, exactly! Glad I'm not the only one out there. My husband is this way. I'm done. Keeping strong.
@@rapthemusicalso I felt that way about a girl I was talking to, I thought she was perfect & would let her know. Then when I found more about her, I ended up losing interest & couldn’t do anything about it. I actually thought I was ready for a relationship after some time of isolation but then that happened. Point is that we aren’t all bad guys which is what people seem to think. I am self aware & don’t want to get into anything because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I try to work on myself but sometimes I feel it’s hopeless & I should just be on my own even though I crave real love & connection. We’re all human really
@@mexican_wbc9946 I never said she was evil. The fact is I don’t know what she is. She blocked me and ghosted me.
They always run away in the middle of conversations, discussions, conflicts.Take No accountability. They are like small kids.
It truly baffles me. Whenever I tried to ask why or tried to explain how she hurt my feelings she would either twist it into my fault, or she would just leave/disengage. I am very solution oriented and that somehow was the downfall of our 1.5 year relationship.
Seriously! My ex told me up front that he could be childish and I’m thinking it was just some of his hobbies… ooooh noooo! Buddy is just completely immature!!! I am so upset I came across him after I’ve done so much work on myself!!! And all the advice is just on how to coddle them!!! Please!
It can be very manipulative the way they talk when you’re trying to have an important discussion. Avoidants although not narcissistic, sometimes really cross over with narcissist tendencies.
Even when they are accountable they magnify your mistakes to 5000 to not feel small against the shit they’ve done
They are hurt
It's funny because I have dated two avoidant guys and both of them swore they thought of themselves as being blunt and direct but ultimately they were big avoidants!
And so healed and ready for the real love i gave 😂😂😂😂
Red flag from now on.
The girl I was talking to was the same way. She loved a good dare but ask her to be real with you. Yeah nope not happening
Omg same!!!!
Facing the same issue now . I am dumb founded
Well, they are.. When it comes to things non emotional or vulnerable.. They can be harsh and direct. The moment it comes to feelings they can still get harsh and direct in a dismissive manner or in setting boundries. Anyways the directness is gone when it comes to their needs and feelings than you see more passive aggressive or talking indirectly about a topic, only sharing a part of the story or ignoring it and all that stuff.
As a former avoidant this is so accurate. At first when you break up you actually feel a relief. For a long period of time there is no emotion about it at all, there’s a sense of getting yourself back. Then at some point you’ll start thinking about the ex again and remembering the good times. Next stage you’ll have some kind of trigger where the emotion of the breakup with hit you harder, then you get very nostalgic about it and start to yearn for the relationship again and beat yourself up for how you acted. It’s actually a horrible way to live your life and can end up in a really dark place.
I hope he regrets losing me, I will find someone deserving of my awesomeness. Sad thing is he deserved it but couldn’t get out of his own way
I struggle with hearing how there’s a sense of “relief” after losing someone who was important in your life regardless of the attachment style. To credit the breakup for forward movement and progress in life seems like accountability isn’t taken since you could have faced challenges together if direct communication and honesty was present. Only then could there be a real chance at saving a relationship which naturally creates a healthier environment to grow alongside one another. People aren’t easily replaceable and I think social media makes us all believe we can just continue restarting with new people carrying old issues.
but not horrible to reach out and mend things with the ex, right?
@@13sprintusermost of them don’t overcome the shame. They are wounded creatures just like the rest of us and trauma creates shame.
Good! Some people need to hit rock bottom in order to Change.
Gotta love when they sabotage relationships but somehow make you think you are the unlovable one.
A-fucking-men
THIS
I really pray he gets the help he needs. I really loved him.
Thanks for sharing- empathy seems to get covered by bitterness in a lot of cases.
Same❤
Same
Same
@@listeningbrenthat's right, I can see that here in the comments too. However, especially if you are a compassionate person, this anger and bitterness after a torturous relationship helps to avoid the avoidants and to break the cycle of falling for them again and again before they started healing/are healed. It's a bit harsh at times but maybe necessary?
He won't find another one like me 💖
Wouldn’t that be the point. To find somebody who won’t be a let down next time 🤔
@@ImTerio yes, so it's his loss
Exactly, it's his loss.
facts I was the upgrade for him so he will feel it
@@ImTerioSHUT THE F UP, he let her down, HE is the LET DOWN, she is the victim
the avoidance is what hurts the most and especially when they said "they cared so much about you" its straight evil they are basically saying f*ck my emotions - ok f*ck yours too - I am avoiding them now FOREVER. I definitely don't want an "avoidant" ever again!!
Amen
So true
Me too, she left me on my exam week. Need to supress all the feeling for my bachelor.
I've heard so many stories just like yours growing up. The dating scene is all manners of f***ed up and got even worse 10 fold with online dating. I'm 35 and been single my whole life. Its a sick game of "say all the right things to get you into bed" Men teaching men to be players. and women teaching women to be boss babes and bad bitches.... Men like me are throwing in the towel and turning tail because there is no winning in a game that's rigged from the start. The Nuclear family is nothing but a pipe dream for most.... With more focus on lust than love, and dating coaches convincing everyone to "make sure that spark is there".....
If they say all the right things.... ITS A DAMN TRAP!
Me too, they're evil. Wasn't a boyfriend but who I considered my best friend. She was so dissmisive in the last convo we had when she decided we "took distance". I litt had to go to psiquiatric help and get meds. I miss her horribly but at the same time I dont thnk I want to see her ever again.
It's not a break up, they leave you hanging, its ghosting actually
Bad bad evil
When i sas this mesages, then I saw 1% battery percentage, so this is In synch means the evil bad energy is now at 1%",so almost none, zerro, or it no existing, or is anulated, whatever it is... Some great News at least.
Exactly
dont know what to say, Show me.
They like to leave u hanging like a plan B Incase their new options don't go as planned. Tried to do this but could not take it and helped him say what he should have
I’m a secure attachment style and dated an avoidant! He brought out the anxious in me and I had to let go!
Here here brother (and/or sister we don’t discriminate here)
@@sparky6743 exactly 100%
Same
This is me. I’ve never felt relationship anxiety before and it’s not fun. Contemplating if it’s worth it to stay and try and help her heal or just walk away for myself
Same
avoidants can turn secure people anxious, even avoidant, themselves. never again. i will just walk away next time the first few red flags appear. wasted so much time, effort, money and love on her. i lost everything. what a fool i was.
Having the same problem here.
Hope you're doing better now.
Hope you heal from this
Don't blame yourself you did your best sadly we have to learn the hard way
Im healing from the same thing … also we aren’t the fools for being willing to love. We’re the rare brave ones. It’s the avoidant who is the fool they turn love away to look cool. It’s their loss, literally.
I am anxious and hoping to learn and heal through my relationship with an avoidant woman, because I am more or less concious about what happends and while It's painful I can observe my reaction and how she is acting... Still, I don't wont to judge her completely. I am helping her a lot with daily things and hope she isn't just using me to get my help....
I feel your pain I'm in the same boat
That's why it's said that men come back to late when the woman has already moved on or healed.
yup, ain't nobody got time for their slow-ass (arrested development) emotion-processing time period
@ItalianoWithJodina lol 😂😂😂
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer waste time trying to understand someone that gave up on the relationship. Any moments of clarity or enlightenment that I have will only be for my benefit, and the benefit of my future relationships regardless of the dynamic, there’s no point in holding a grudge or bitterness but humanizing someone’s cruelty serves no purpose. Those that genuinely want to be in your life or have remorse for their actions will make the effort, it’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes but preserve your dignity and move on. Focus on yourself, that project or hobby you’ve been putting off and take some time to grieve and do some introspection then save your best for the next person who actually deserves it.
❤❤👏👏👏
Thank you, amen 🙏🏼
Yes
Yes!
"Humanizing someone's cruelty serves no purpose."
👆 THIS 👆
My avoidant ex broke up with me for the third time last week just when we were planning to live together. And my stupid anxious ass still loves him and wants him back.
Feel this
ohhhaww feel your pain
@@ItalianoWithJodina thanks I'm doing better now
Same with me I can't hate her so stupid of me
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
Man…the more I learn about this, the more I view it as selfish, childish, and coddled. People in that situation need a parent figure and need to heal. It’s impossible to build a family this way.
They always tried coming back at least 3/4 times. Now, I avoid the avoidants 😅
Avoidants need to be avoided for 100% but at least I turned from anxious attachment style into secure one.
@LoveLeigh313
That's because they know what they had when they were with you- quality they couldn't find in other relationships... You give them chance after chance to re-write those wrongs because you love them, but they never do!
My grandma used to tell me, They never miss the water until their wells run dry!
Unless they put effort on healing, its a doomed and useless cycle to go through everytime. Heal yourself and dont give them any chance back, because they always want to come back.
YESSS! they will never engage differently if they don't willingly dive inward. the Avoidant must be curious about themselves but i've found it's the Anxious one's doing all the work!
@@drexel1976 exaclty. In all honesty the avoidant can fuck all the way off.
They hate therapy. They don't like criticism, but love being critical and analytical of others. So awful and cruel.
@@NinjaOutfitInTheWash indeed!!
@@jasonwilkerson9497why is it they don't like criticism??? Do they want to avoid hearing about themselves all together?
Dont care not my monkey not my forest, let them sort their issues
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Which they can't.
😂
I love this lmfao. My friends and I always called it “monkey brain”, bc monkey see monkey do. Using not my monkey not my forest from now on
Bam! Mic drop
not my monkey, not my forest LOL I love this quote
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Yes he is dr.porass.
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
Can dr.porass send to me in UK?
this is crazy accurate 😭 Avoidant ex went on 2 international trips within 6 months after our break-up, and we did not take ONE during our 5 years...
Mine met someone then moved into her mansion..In January he went to Aruba! Wtf .We never broke up..he met her at our State Fair..then a week after we went out for my birthday.. I had no clue..she's a 50 yr old rich widow..😮😮
@@brendabahr4736sounds narcissistic
Mine went on more than 3 trips in 6 months, bought a house. Meanwhile I couldn’t even move or function like a normal human being. Avoidants are unbelievably cruel and cold hearted people. I only wish to never encounter one again!
Same with mine
Wow that literally happened to me.
avoidants get no second chance with me - your hurt me once ur done BYE
Sounds pretty avoidant
Lol. One time.? Wow. Aren't you queen of the world.
@GUITARTIME2024 actually I gave in and gave the guy a second chance and he played me again so yeah - one chance is enough - why hurt myself more than once by giving a selfish emotionless person a second chance?
@@ts6394 They will only keep using you.
@EverydayAdventures123 because you don't know what else he's going through. I'm a dude so maybe I see it different, but plenty of guys get the hint after a first breakup. If it happens again, then yes, he's done.
Blocking her on all social media was hard but it also gave me huge relief. No more endless hoping she would reach out. No more feeling weird when she can see my "online" status. It helped.
But that’s exactly what avoidants do. You’re being avoidant yourself. Unless I’m being harassed I have no need to block anyone. My avoidant ex is not blocked for me. Because a normal person should be able to move on while still seeing that other person every day.
@@TheIsraelProphetess Hey. If blocking on social media helps this person to move on and grieve better, good for him.
Was losing interest until you brought up journaling. This was a suggestion to me some time ago, and now I'm addicted to writing hundreds of words every morning on a daily basis. It's is extremely effective in unknotting thoughts and extracting wisdom. It has occurred to me that many accomplished intellectuals likely have a daily journaling habit. I feel that it will perpetually lead to an upgraded life.
💯
typical avoidant hide in your journal 😂
After two years (we were long distance so only saw each other every few months), things felt like they were starting to move into a much more open and intimate connection so I asked for a commitment and he told me he loves me, is intensely attracted to me, loves the way I make him feel but that he doesn’t have feelings deep enough to take it to the next level. He said he wants to stay friends and I had to tell him I can’t do that. I’m on Day 8 of no contact and it’s hard but this was very comforting. Thank you.
Same words man! Not enough connection to move in with me. Wtf? After 3 years of love bombing? Thats just sounds as unresolved trauma.
@@paugarciabcn ugh totally! I’m so sorry you went through the same thing. I was so confident in our connection and what I had to bring to the table that I didn’t for one second think he wouldn’t be down to make it more official. I was so surprised when he said that after careful thought he realized he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. This was the most intensely connected relationship I’ve ever had. Our chemistry is insane and we’ve been friends for 15 years. But … he has a lot of unresolved trauma and I’ve done a lot of self help work and he hasn’t.
@@magicisreal111 same here, met his parents and family and was embraced by all of them, but then she got fired, went on a 3 month working holiday, and one day she called to say she no longer had feelings. What a waste, I know someday she will regret it because I gave her everything a woman would want to have from a partner. Support, nurture, protection, fun and great sex. Damn.
@@paugarciabcn ugh I’m sorry. That’s so disappointing.
Red flag. “I love how you make me feel.” Yikes I don’t hear anything about you and your good qualities as a person
Avoidants feel power and control when they end it, they are confidently taking charge. Dismissing someone allows them an opportunity to select a new source of supply. The novelty of someone new.
That's exactly what is their problem...they don't have the capacity or will to create deep, long lasting relationship to be vulnerable, committed and and invested in others. They are very broken, selfish people who want to be pedestalized and catered to, but will breadcrumb you to get a rise out of your neediness and anxiety that THEY CREATED...the same anxiety and neediness they punish you for with their pushing away and NO CONTACT B.
S.
You intrigue them when your shiny and new and they can play emotional dress up to lure you into their web of subterfuge: gasing their ego, curiousity and delusion that they are good humans capable of true relationships. Yet, deep down they know they have NO intentions of form any deep, meaningful and lasting relationship with you. They use you for the supply and experience you provide then start playing mind games with you.
Venting…
An avoidant’s cold shoulder is vicious and heartless. I don’t care about the thought process in their head anymore…it’s just cruel.
My ex did this to me 2x. First time was when we were 20-21 years old around Christmas. Appeared and reappeared over text/calls for the next 11 years, then i let him back in, finally. We WERE in a second relationship for 6.5 years this second time around, and I was a fool. A few weeks ago he went ice cold when I brought up commitment (building a future together) and suddenly he just stopped caring/loving, became an asshole, then ghosted me. So strange and cruel and hurtful. Feels like he never cared at all. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone new without giving me proper closure. WHO DOES THIS SHIT? Avoidants, I guess.
Had I known anything about avoidant attachment styles 6.5 years ago, I would not have engaged in a second serious relationship with him. He future faked the whole time making me think he wanted a real partnership and build a home together, forever. What a lie. I never even met a single family member of his. Never visited his home. Didn’t meet his friends. I felt like something must be deeply wrong with me and I just couldn’t see it-even though my other 2 serious relationships proudly let me into their life and family and homes, he let me believe it was me.
I can’t wait for the day i no longer have any feelings for him. In the meantime, these videos help me make sense of things and stop the uncontrollable sobs. 💔
/vent
Thank you for sharing. Its rally exhausting to be with an avoidant but God will heal us.
@@elvirarahic3380 indeed! God bless you!
I’ve surrendered to God in recent days. I trust where He will take me from here on out. ❤️
I really feel for you. Hope that you get the help you need and find a wonderful Secure partner to build a great life with! ❤
My ex did this to me after 40 years
Narcissistic
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I have 5 years relationship when we ended 'up I keep trusting God. I allow God to heal me. Try to listen a love song and meditate it if you want to cry just cry....that's makes you relieve. ❤
I'm currently going through this 'no contact' sh!t with the coward avoidant who would always run away like a chicken everytime i tried to make ''us'" sit down, talk through our problems and settle things in good terms for once n for all. Therefore, i decided to forever leave this crap as it is and move on with my life by focusing on bettering myself.
With a heart full of joy i thank you Dr oluwaseun for restoring my relationship again with the chants, you're the only sincere one l've ever seen😊
He’s on Facebook…
Avoidants are weak. All my exes who have been avoidant admit their weakness to face tough things. Anxious avoidant are some of the toughest human beings to exist.
Interesting way to put it! I've never thought of it this way before. How are anxious avoidant some of the toughest to exist?
@@healingwithcharlie They have not developed the avoidance coping mechanisms that make compartmentalizing so easy, chunking up stress and practicing escapism to minimize the pain. Anxious types rather face it all at once, learning simply to bear the extreme weight of suffering while continuing the live their lives as best they can. Avoidants are like alcoholics who numb their pain, anxious types are like boxers who get in the ring knowing what they are in for. I'm not saying avoidants dont feel pain, or have some capacity for courage and strength, it's just that their coping style is fundamentally weak. Though note, I haven't said which is a more intelligent strategy... I admire avoidants ability to split things in that regard, but their cowardice far outshines that to me.
Just another perspective, although it does seem weak to avoid hard feelings, I think that for a lot of avoiders they don’t know another way. I think that I tend to lean towards avoidant behaviors and I’m just realizing it as I’ve gotten older. Through both of my serious break ups I experienced relief, then numbness, and then later I felt nostalgic and heartbroken over the relationships. It really took me by surprise because I genuinely just thought the relationships had run their course and that I didn’t feel very sad because it was what was meant to happen. I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to feel or express my emotions. I think I learned how to turn them off a little too well, but they always hit. Even years later.
@@josephl6289 I've been both sides - anxious and avoidant. I don't think saying that either type is superior to the other is the way to go about it. They each experience fundamentally different struggles, and have develop their own styles of 'toughness' (as you put it) to deal with the issues that occur in relationships.
I grew up in a family that caused me to develop an anxious attachment. Taking this into my first relationship, I felt that I was able to take hit after hit, knowing that I'd probably get hurt again. It gave me a sense of 'toughness', thinking that I was resilient enough to bear all this weight while still continuing to give and show up. After that relationship, the toughest thing to do for myself was to leave. I associated what it meant to be loved with getting hurt, so much so that I began to find comfort in it. Is it a tough feat to stay in something that causes continuous hurt?
That said, I developed an avoidant attachment from that ex, as I thought that this was the 'right' way to love. Just coming out of another relationship (broke up a few days ago), I learned that I had dismissive tendencies to his anxiety, leading to fights. A big part of an avoidant's coping mechanism is conflict avoidance - while you mention that this coping style is 'weak', there are many avoidants out there that try their best to continue to make the relationship work despite knowing the incoming conflicts coupled with the conflict avoidance tendencies. Wouldn't you say this is some form of resilience?
Again, no one style is superior to the other, and saying that one is better normalizes promoting these negative attachment styles. I still see where you're coming from though. I guess it's ultimately a spectrum, it's never 100% anxious/avoidant so there's always some capacity for mutual understanding. I'd probably say the best way forward is to know the source of each other's pain and going from there.
Thank you for making this video. I have been toiling with confusion, and on the brink of deep depression, due to being blindsided by an avoidant.
Your video gave me the tools to come to the conclusion that I need to make the conscious decision to not allow my self-esteem and sense of self-worth to be impacted by the avoidant person's rollercoaster ride.
I realize that their issues are just that...their own issues. It did not originate with me - because I was perfectly fine with myself before I subconsciously (or unconsciously) gave away my power and emotional autonomy to another person.
I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride, and I'm going to focus on loving myself and taking better care of myself.
Avoidants will never make you happy .... but the rollercoaster is exciting thats how they keep you attached .... Ive finally let go and it feels great!!! she wants me back but the pattern will repeat again and again .
@squidy6785 Same. Exactly same, could have written this comment myself 😭
this is an excellent well explained video. As you have said you're an anxious attachment individual however there are some of us who are secure and are just as confused by a DA' s behavior.
You forget that some of their "Creature comforts" are all the other "love interests" and superficial connections that they have cultivated even WHILE u were still in a "relationship" to fall back to when they break up with you. Happened with me. As soon as I ended the relatonship after realising it was draining me, and that he was already talking to smb else, he started dating that exact other girl. )))
Although creature comforts usually relate to hobbies, passions, interests or basic needs, people can fill that role if they provide the same feeling of reassurance and warmth that inanimate comforts can offer. Not the healthiest form of a creature comforting, but a creature comforting nonetheless
What a great post. 👍
Exactly....good thing is the new person won't endure their trash too
yes this happened to me. mine got with someone right after saying they still love me and now, they don't lol
@@kissass1286there are only two genders
What happens when you go no contact with an avoidant attachment type? They experience ‘separation elation’. They are probably relieved. Because of their early unaddressed emotional wounds they feel easily overwhelmed when relationships get close. They feel guilty. You going no contact will probably be a relief. Will they feel said? Unless they also have a personality disorder like narcissism or anti social personality for example, they will feel sad and guilty about the relationship not working out. They may with the distance of time come to idealise the relationship you had with them and compare future relationships to the one they had with you regretting that they let you get away. But if you were to come back together your relationship will be the same as before unless they choose to work on their issues and you as their partner work with them on the relationship recognising your own attachment issues and what you bring to the table . Begin with asking yourself, why was I attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable or distant ? Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you are securely attached.
No contact is a relief to them. They do feel sad though. But weeks months later and not because it is over but because they are the victim of themselfs again. And start the same bs over again.
Never take them back!!
Boohoo 😂
So well said
That makes so much sense. My ex couldn't stop talking about his ex from 9 years ago and how great she was. I once asked him if he still loved her. To which he said no.
I thought it was great that he still spoke so positively about his ex but as I got to know more it didn't quite add up.
@@thevicariousvouyer ah the classic phantom ex..
They like that...
These people are sick xl..
You can never win...
1000%! I had to learn that last part. Like why would I want someone who was so okay with walking away from me when I needed him most? Who could walk away from me while I was sobbing…yuck. Never want that again.
Forgot to mention the immediate rebound
They are damaged people and difficult to understand. I am damaged myself.
When my ex aviodant doubled back I was married and moved on with a wonderful secure man. He gave me the gift of findind my suitable partner with happiness and peace. ❤
Avoidants do not give a damn. Especially if they move on fast.. when they are done you are nothing to them. My ex left with someone within a week and she seems happy af and doing better but that’s ok I’ll heal
I just hope one day he can open his heart up to someone and truly experience the love they have to give. I hope he learns from our experience and doesnt measure everything with the yardstick of past failed relationships and gives love a chance. I hope he realizes that someone caring for him and loving him is not "moving too fast" and I hope the next time he does not get cold feet when someone brings up committment because getting to experience love with someone is beautiful. I hope he doesn't give up on something that could potentially be so beautiful even before giving it a chance. I'll heal with time. But hopefully, I would also be able to treat this as a learning experience :)
Thank you for sharing! I hope you’re both able to heal from this :)
I am so pissed at people who know what they are but choose to do nothing about it. I’ve spent 3,5 years in therapy and managed to overcome my mostly avoidant attachment style to give that security to my friends and family and romantic connections. I was in such a great place mentally before I met my ex. And over the last 2,5 years he sucked joy and love out of me to then cheat on me with another woman and say he never made any commitments. He even dared to demand to cater to his needs (and he wants full-time care, attention, prioritisation, for me to be there for him whenever he needs to connect or get support) while having zero security and safety in this relationship. I cannot wait to start healing and to never experience that again
Couldn't have put it better myself.Pure evil.
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
You are at the early stage of a painful process. The sudden ending of a longstanding relationship seems very cruel. This happened to me. My avoidant partner decided to end it a few hours after we celebrated our agreement to get married, and initiated no contact. Actually, I think she made the right decision because it would have been a difficult marriage. I have now moved on and met someone more suitable, and it is beautiful because our mutual needs are met so easily, whereas I was kidding myself that the past relationship was working when it was not. My advice: look to the future.
I think The Killers "When You Were Young," pretty much captures the avoidant's facade.
Space out the emotions to deal with....yup that makes sense. I am an "anxious" or at least veer towards that, and i like to get everything out in the open and deal with it all!!!!.My ex left me 5 times in 3 and a half years!!! Finally left me (after just hours before telling me i was their future!!), four days after my Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My Dad died 2 weeks later, and *still* my ex maintained no contact!!!!! It is so rude and self-centred. I know there's tons of reasons behind it, but it's truly horrendous, and leaves those of us left behind, feeling like death/dying. 😢😢😢
sorry to hear about your dad.
regardless of their reasons, it is still no excuse to treat someone who loves you that way. to what degree they are aware of what they are doing or not, they are still aware they are hurting you and playing games. horrible people.
All I wanted from him was a genuine apology 😪
Me too
I thought I got a genuine apology from him 7 months after. Soon after that we were talking again, even though he had already "moved on", and again a year from that. Both times he seemed completely oblivious how it might hurt to talk to me and give hints that he might be interested, only to retreat again when I asked for affirmation. I don't think that apology is so genuine anymore, it doesn't seem like he actually regrets the consequences of his actions
😢 me too
Thank you! This was so insightful.
I, an anxious, got back together with my DA bf exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 3y before my bf “suddenly” broke up with me. Really turbulent on again off again for the first 2m and then no contact for 4-5m after that. Caught him right at the nostalgia stage ig and now we’re better than ever.
Had no idea about attachment styles until recently. Learned a lot about them unknowingly while getting to know my bf. But It’s been quite the battle unpacking the break up. 1st was understanding how he could suddenly end it with out confiding with me and tried to fix it together. I could’ve adjusted if his needs weren’t being met Etc. I realized his suppressing nature and was soon able to get over it.
But One of the lingering feelings Ive had even a year later is regarding how he could “move on” and “forget about me” even though I knew (and now confirmed) that he still cared. Ur “move on phase” explanation got me closer to coming to terms with this one so thank you!
How about detaching to an appropriate emotional state and come to the conclusion that you are ok and not to personalize the others behavior? Just love like a Stoic. Love but in a witnessing way. Once you know how to be your own best friend and really love yourself you have the room to allow avoidants or any other type of attacher to just be. Know whats realistic for any relationship and manage your own expectations. Understand your own boundary needs.
Couldn’t have said it better myself 💯
Self healing
I wish I could do this, but I have a major internal emotional response to their behaviour that I can't stop or control no matter how hard I try. Avoidants are mentally exhausting.
Yeah, that's not being a Stoic. Stoics still feel emotions acutely, they just know what should and shouldn't be focused on/worried about (the Trichotomy of Needs).
While they would very much be able to detach *a bit* and try and be as accepting as possible, they would also live according to highest virtue, and hurting oneself and living with unresolved anger is not the Stoic way. Stoics aren't robots = they have needs and desires in life, they just refer to them as 'preferred indifferents'. Doesn't mean they're not important.
What a horrible loop anxious attackers get stuck in, chasing honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase. Doomed to live surface level relationships unless they work on themselves. He’s going to be a loser forever, stuck in a victim mindset rather than working through his avoidance patterns, all depressed wondering why it never works out for him when he runs away and sabotages everything of any value in his life. Many anxious attachers create a similar cycle to narcissistic abuse.
Why should we care about the avoidant's feelings? They only care about themselves, why should their emotional wellbeing matter more than the other party? Why should we take it so much into consideration when they're not accounting for the other person's devastation at all???
Totally
That’s what I got from this video as well, they are narcissists, they don’t care about anyone else but themselves
I don't think you've listened to this video or any serious insight on 'avoidants'
I don't really know how to thank you Dr OLUWASEUN for your great spell, you're great at your work I thank you for bringing my lover back with your love spell😊 ❤
He’s on Facebook page…
Thank you , this video was super helpful. Went through a situation and seeing this is helping understand but still hurts very much. I have an anxious attachment. The more I sought clarity the further the person pulled away.
When I healed my traumas, I could clearly see my ex avoidant, who as they all do, broke up with me without any proper explanations or closure, as a lost little boy, who doesn’t know how to deal with his difficult emotions
I was 6 years out with no contact when they reached out. It was such an emotional roller-coaster trying to decide if I even wanted this person in my life. They were asking for us to be friends. All we ever had b/f was a situationship, and we're both now married (to someone else). I've been doing my work, and it was apparent that they had not. For a moment, I thought they were on the narcissism spectrum with the discard, idealization, love bomb, etc. phases, but this video gave me a lot of aha's. I was sad to have to release them again, because although I'm happily married, I care about their well-being. But the hot and cold, mixed signals were making me anxious. I was unable to trust their intentions. I changed my number and have been no contact (again) for over a year. It hurts sometimes, but it feels good to have chosen myself over another toxic cycle. I've taken time to grieve this time around and realized that I too was/am an avoidant, and I was going through these phases you described in this video, which also contributed to the breakdown and the nostalgia for them while being married to someoneelse. Mind blown!! I still have work to do.❤️
Thank you
Just stfu.. married and still hung up on an ex.. just stop it.😊
Wow! I have to say that there wont be ANY possibility for my ex to contact me after a year! In my case there is a child involved which he is avoiding too, so I will somehow conected to this person for ever, but if he doesnt come back, he wont be able to contact me in person or via phone...dont want to see an Ex after 6 years, lol.
@DeaDellaFortuna, I get it. People change and grow though. One thing I've learned is to never say never. We weren't in a bad space, and I'm happily married, so I didn't care if he came back. I guess I was curious to hear what he had to say after all that time. He THOUGHT he was coming back to apologize and start a friendship. And apologize he did. It was then I realized God had given me the beautiful gift of closure, because I realized I'd grown to know that I only want emotionally available people in my life, even as a friend. He thought it was a new hello; I KNEW he'd come back to say goodbye.
The mixed signals are hell to deal with. I just recently deleted her number and all texts. Crazy part I was feeling her like no other. Just had to do it.
Dating a BPD, she is an avoidant, it is complete destruction. No contact works well. I am no longer receiving her punishment, I dish it out now.
You dish out punishment? These comments are willllld
@@tentzontli Yeah, no contact = her going into full depression, and say the word no lots of times, to build up your boundaries.
Very good video I’m in no contact right now with my ex avoidant girlfriend. We were together for 10 years. She broke up with me suddenly 4 months ago. She’s 46 and running around town with all sorts of guys loving being single I guess. I pleaded with her for the first four months, but I’ve had it.
Right and you do get tired of them.
Same as me but 13 years… I tried and tried to get her just to talk to me but I’m done… she ghosted me bcus I asked if she was seeing someone else I guess that meant yes smh
So much trauma. Nobody deserves this and they didn't deserve what hairbrush that made them like that. Makes me wish I was in Heaven with my sister. No drama or messy relationships there.
❤❤❤
😢😢😢😢
I know exactly how you feel and just know that I’m sending you love to you and your sister. You are strong and I’m glad you’re still here❤️
❤ God bless you always ! Ameen. Duae'n
I wish I was in Heaven instead of dealing with this as well . Lord please 🙏🏻
Now at the other end of our relationship and feeling 'tossed' away and the pain being exacerbated by no care behaviour / no contact. I'm glad this video found me as I am trying so hard to be strong, accepting no contact. My aim is to genuinely hope his future is bright and to know mine is. He has done me a favour with his no contact. The 'deceit' that went beforehand and settling himself up for when he was ready to move on is harder to accept. Also the knowledge that he will share a narrative to his people that will put me solely to blame. Yet my reactive behaviours were triggered by instincts that I now know we're spot on. I feel both sad and angry that adult conversations would have avoided the issues even developing. I feel cheated out of a future that had so much potential by behaviours we both developed from abuse or neglect by others in our past.
It’s so sad knowing that if they’d been equal participants in the relationship who were willing to communicate you could have fixed some of your issues in a half hour. I know it’s maddening. Stay strong
This was really comprehensive. You covered it all in great detail, thank you for your work.
It takes me a while to fully detach, but when I do, it’s a done deal. Im tired of putting my compromising my self respect for someone who doesn’t even respect me. I’ve been so supportive of him and gave him all the love I had to give. He's done several things that are considered deal breakers for me like calling me out of my name, hanging up on me, screaming at me, and his immature ways. He never holds himself accountable and blames other people for his actions by saying it is just a reaction from what I did. I think he’s a narcissist that has serious mental issues and I’m not dealing with it anymore. It’s time to move on and find the love and respect that I deserve ❤️ we all deserve that and I hope everyone in the comments finds that.
Great job of describing the insanity of a relationship. Easier to be alone
Its been almost 2 months since he left me. That morning that he discarded me and left he said "tell me that you love me" which I did. He came over my house a few hours later and said:" Everything is wrong! We are done! Go find somebody else"! and ran out the door and drove away. I still to this day have no idea what happened. My heart still hurts but watching these coaching videos and joining a support group really helps. I don't feel so alone. 4 years of my life wasted, its so sad but crazy.
Cool video. Unfortunately, my 2 year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me. I still love him so much and can't stop thinking about him. I've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail. avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
It's difficult to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation when my 12 year relationship ended. I couldn't just let him go, so I did everything I could to get him back. I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who assisted me in reuniting with him.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
His name is Fatherabulu he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Oooohhh, I get it now.
Saw the same exact comment thread under a different video, seemingly only loosly connected to this one. I responded with scepticism... But it was not real. Because you have an agenda. Or this is a bot. Either way, using emotional story and getting the attention of vulnerable people to make them interested in something shady... Is vile.
Thanks. I hope you all get better. I was with a manipulative avoidant, abs it was very painful. I'm glad you're talking about this.
It breaks my heart reading the comments. I really thought we would fix this someway.
No contact works AFTER you put them in their place, hold them accountable & serve them what they want on a silver platter. My ex wanted to break up out of nowhere. So I let her know how it’s bs. Then moved on and started dating other girls like she told me to do. Now she’s crawling back and I told her to stop bothering me and seek help.
Thank you so much for making this video. I have an anxious attachment style but I am working on healing from all this and am in therapy. I recently was in a relationship with someone who I just realized has avoidant attachment style which explains his behavior. We are in the no contact phase. If he does come back again like he has the other times I will tell him that he has to go to therapy and heal from his trauma that is causing his avoidant attachment before we can be together again.
😮there is absolutely NO original experience in the WORLD!!! Just spells out my life RIGHT in front of me & doesn’t even know me!!! This was very well expressed & beautifully put together! Thank you for that!!! 😊😊😊
Thanks for seeing us avoidants not as narcissists, but as human beings. Appreciate you bro
I think this was interesting perspective in looking at how the other may be doing. I’m a moving on type of person. I don’t think life should be wasted in that. Life is to short.
There are definitely variables that'll affect this. How avoidant they are and if they broke up with you or vice versa. I'm FA, and my husband is DA. I broke up with him two times during the first two years. He tried to accept it but came back. Agreed to therapy, etc. Which helped us both. We're doing better than I believed we could. When an avoidant ex broke up with me, though, he moved out while I was at work. He'd reach out randomly after but never wanted the relationship again.
Agreed! Attachment styles and how they handle breakups or no contact is very fluid. Variables like the length of the relationship, why the breakup happened, and who initiated it all play a role in it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Love your voice! It's very soothing. Just found this channel, very grateful. Fearful avoidant here, after my latest break up, and this is really helpful!
Glad my channel has been helpful! Hopefully my videos assist you in your healing journey :)
after trying and begging to get him back, after him just asking to be friends, i’m finally going no contact, only for a while. maybe one day he’ll regret losing those feelings for me.
So the bottom line is that they have in general a great time with no suffering or regrets whatsoever.
Which leaves one feeling like some putrid worthless trash.
Basically what I had to come to terms with. Promises mean nothing and words mean nothing from them.
@@sambo92 This really hit me as well.. He was my first and not knowing much about his past made sense why he's the avoidant that he is today. He showered me with promises and sweet words that made a young foolish girl like me to believe and trust with all her heart. It's something different when you're someone who tries to avoid having regrets in life so you make sure who you choose is a great one but I also should've seen it coming that they are capable of giving empty promises and love bomb you or have you only as a rebound/distraction from the past relationships they haven't told you about. And I'm over here continuously explaining myself to myself for how I didn't deserve to be treated that way only to realize he was right about everything; that I deserve better.. .. despite it being a hard pill to swallow because I loved him and still do.. considering he's my first love. .this thing really does take a lot of healing and moving on.. hope he's realizing things himself and feel a sense of remorse for how he made me feel hurt. I just hope he did love me at some extent and I wasn't a total fool for fully trusting him after everything. Only time can tell I guess.
That's all they ever wanted from the beginning: a good time. They never wanted something serious, any level of commitment, or have to reciprocate any level of selflessness..... They just want a good time to mask their own self destructive bs ass characteristics
I’m still living with an avoidant and he’s with someone else now. This is truly difficult and I’m glad we are parting ways in a few months
I wish you luck! Living with an ex while they’re seeing someone new is never easy. Hope you have find a new setting soon :)
Thank you so much I appreciate that
This is so spot on it blows my mind
Damn, this genuinely made me have a bit of a panic response because it really describes my ex and I's breakup well, but it's a much needed realization!! I'm an anxious attachment type person, and he was avoidant. Thank you for talking about this, I think it's definitely given me an insight into a person I do still care deeply about and love, but felt hurt and blindsided when he initiated the breakup.
I still haven't moved on entirely, it's been three weeks as of tomorrow... But each day I understand more why he did it, and why it was what was best! As much as it hurts, if he isn't choosing me right now, he can't be The One. All I can do is keep on keeping on until either we become friends again, grow apart entirely, or MAYBE rekindle something... But I will try my best to heal in the meantime ❤
Thank you for sharing this! I wish you all the best on your healing journey and no matter what ends up happening, I hope you're happy in the end :)
i think the anxious partners get overanxious because of the avoidants lack of emotions.
This is so much and so deep thinking over a person who doesn't have any time/value/care anymore for me in her life.....i dont think its worth it, staying away from such a person is better for my mental health and my life....she isn't bothered abt me at all, why should i be bothered by such a person?
Thank you. This helps me understand what happened between my DA person and me FA. I am the one that separated us after feeling them pull away. That was a year and a half ago. We are now on good terms and talking about what happened. It's a relief to us both that there is no need to demonize one another.
It’s makes me sad for him. I’m going through the hardest time ever right now, but I know it won’t last forever. I hope he gets through it okay, too.
i just realized i was a creature comfort for a girl who used me to forgot her ex🤣 funny that i caught feelingns for her
I think I realized from this video that I became a creature comfort as well. 😢💔😭
Just couldn't believe he gave up on us and ghosted me out of the for a week now. There's no apology or even remorse of what happened 😢😢😢
Thank you for this enlightening video 🎉it helped me in the same situation of no contact phase with an avoidant.
From personal experience.. the best advice i can give is : if you're an anxious attachment, heal first before dating anyone. If you're an avoidant (I'm sure very little to no avoidants watch these kinds of videos anyway) heal first before you date anyone. Yes, you do have childhood issues. heal them. And if you're secure attachment, good luck finding an equal. It's rough out there.
Well balanced advice. I love it! 🙌
I think the thing is - a lot of people who are labelled the “anxious attacher” in these relationships aren’t always that way in general. They are only “anxious” because they aren’t receiving much emotional clarification from their partner.
I myself am a very independent person, but have recently been in a situation where I was only “anxious” because of the lack of emotion I was getting from this girl. On the other hand there are people who are in totally secure relationships with people are clear with them, but still need constant validation.
Here I thought it was a Libra thing . I've never heard or the term "anxious attachers" Wow!! Something im going to bring up in therapy..
Libras, always 😂
@@christinacatalanoLibra here! Hi! 😄👋
A Libra thing? You’ve got to be joking
People actually believe in zodiac signs? I thought that was just a conversation starter lol
@@jenniferburton7044 Libra male??? Defensive??? I touched a nerve?
I’m dating an avoidant but I have to say I am not an attacher. I have warned time and time again the negative distant behaviors with my DA and I have to say our relationship has been pretty amazing - he’s on vacation and the breadcrumbing texts and no calls has allowed me to know my worth and just go no contact. So this is going to probably make his head spin and the only way he will see the reality of this situation is when we are suppose to connect when he comes back. Telling him to his face that he can go kick rocks will be difficult but necessary. I’m so over these behaviors and being tough as nails makes it easy for this door to close.
you seem secure! 👏🏻 teach us your ways :D
Eventually, "It will hit them like a Bus" - Damn mate, so on point. Even on the 4 to 6 weeks timing!
I have an AVOIDANT baby daddy! I have to learn this too!! My first experience & it's no fun at all...
Me too! It really sucks
I was really secure when I met my ex, and secure throughout our entire relationship. We went on a holiday where we were hugely needing a bit of space which sabotaged our relationship. After the holiday I realised how silly this was and my ex was also looking like he was agreeing with me and we agreed to give things another go. Then, when it came to our first date post breakup, he bailed an hour before and completely quit on us. Then I became anxious. Avoidants really do create anxious people
Great video thank you for helping people with their trauma.
My pleasure! As someone that’s working through their own trauma, I hope to help make it a bit easier for others to navigate
He was the love of my life and broke every piece of me.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him
His name is Fatherabulu, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked he up now online. impressive
The fact he was dating someone new after we separated 4mths. says a lot 😢 I was soo mad. Very resentful, I felt like I wasn't not good enough. It took me a very long time to get over it
Outstanding. So well articulated,thank you
The part you said about “deactivation” had me screaming inside like ahhh yess!!! THIS exactly! I’m so glad it’s a real thing! In my recent breakup it seems all he focused on were the negatives (the few times we fought, me wanting to relocate for better life, etc.) and that’s what caused him to essentially end it with me. I was so desperate to make things work but it seemed all I was getting was negativity or not much reaction at all. No fighting for our relationship or anything. It definitely felt cold! I had to even delete social media because I could not stand seeing him post like he is better off. But still living the same old life. I try not to think about it anymore and I’ve become more accepting of our breakup, but a part of me definitely hopes it will all hit him like a bus soon. (It’s been about a couple weeks so far) Anyway, thanks for touching on that…