The idea that a child ticks through a list of possible reasons why they are not loved, and that's why we can be insecure in so many areas, is so enlightening. It is NOT MY FAULT. It is NOT OUR FAULT.
It is absolutely not our fault. It is absolutely not your fault. Little by little, we learn that we're not lovable. Then we have to realize our abuse, all on our own, and somehow attempt to become whole while we are blamed for our struggles. The parent passes the hot potato of shame by blaming the child for all of the struggles they've given them. That is no child's fault. That is not love. I wish for all of us that we all find a place of healing, peace, acceptance, love, and belonging. Peace and love ❤
I am Hindu but I always stay for the christian part because of lots of similarities in the teachings around fairness , forgiveness , acceptance , and all what makes life worthy of living. I am very grateful to you for this amazing video !! sending you many thanks from the core of my heart
however I have met very few insecure people that have anxiety issues once they reach a level of financial stability it is almost as if the psychological warfare operation of money is so deceptive that it actually can numb people from their insecurities by having large amounts from it in other words you can effectively numb your insecurities out your entire life as long as your money situation is functional
I do not mean that your insecurities would be cured because of money I'm simply saying it can do a good job of covering it and numbing it so that other people do not really label you as insecure
God sent me this man when I hit the bottom of depression and emptiness and lots of negative thoughts, I knew it had something to do with my childhood traumas, of how badly I was treated by my parents and teachers, but I never knew how to articulate my thoughts and feelings to my past until this man came and saved me. You’re the father I wish I had.
Exact same experience here. I felt at my wits end having tried everything and this came explaining it all. It truly is a miracle how reality is operated for us to gain better understanding in times of need❤
Scapegoat of my family here... I constantly want to run away when I am/feel exposed. You can imagine how i do at job interviews! I get them because I am skilled but always fail because of my insecurities. I no longer try and am focusing on my recovery. Its very painful and lonely. Thank you for your videos.
"Now tell us about yourself" is a nightmare moment for me. I truly dread talking about myself, or anything that makes me the center of attention... Strangely, the more I associate with someone, the more exposed / uncomfortable I feel. I wish I could tell you something helpful. I hope you feel better soon 💐
@@AA-yb8rg thank you and all the best to you. "Tell us something about yourself" is awful for me too. I try to practice it in writing. Practice is everything right!!?!
Its pretty hard when your own parent makes fun of you and encourages other siblings to say negative things as well, I preferred to be made fun by peers because it was equal ground and I could stick up for myself
*"Insecure"* (as ashamed as I am to say it) can sum me up in just about every way. I doubt and question everything- externally and significantly internally. I don't trust myself (or others- especially family) and I'm very severe when it comes to being unrealistic and perfectionistic. The anxiety, over-analyzing, over-thinking, and even overworking are very debilitating and exhausting. When these issues are often pointed out to me it causes me to become even more insecure. All of these discussions are eye-opening and validating. I wish those around me would be more open to hearing/ learning about these things and trying to better understand me while I'm trying to work through this mess.
My dad would comment on my mothers, other Womens and my physical appearance constantly. Always about how old this person looked, how fat..everything. I’ve been told I’m small but I’ve felt HUGE my whole life.
My ex-husband, who was himself 100 lb overweight continuously criticized one of the mothers in our child's play group because she was about a 100 lb overweight. He spoke so cruelly like she wasn't even human
God is really using your material to make significant differences in my life. I'm pursuing a life coaching career and your material is invaluable. Thank you❤
Truly incredible. It is like you grew up in my home with a narcissistic, histrionic mother and abusive, alcoholic father. Me, the scapegoat feels completely seen and heard. Thank you
Mostly I sob through these videos. This is all me, my childhood. I was abandoned at age 12 and am so traumatized. I wish I could afford this program. I eventually ran away from the USA and family because I just couldn't make it there. Here, medicine is available over the counter - no begging an overpaid shrink every month or worrying about insurance penalties, I can protect myself with greater dignity. Thank you for your work. There are so many hurting people out there - many of them moving to places that will do a better job of caring for them.
Shame & insecurity have run my entire life. Never felt safe. Was called Cyclops for years and years in school because my eyes are close together. I am doing my best to work through it (as it’s been brought up by a dark night of the soul and extreme suicidal ideation), but it feels so fucking impossible. I just feel like I’m trapped in a straitjacket. No matter how many friends I have that love me or how much I logically know I’m beautiful and worthy…. I feel terror and shame all the time. But I’m here. I’m still alive. I know my journey can help others. It might take many years but that’s okay. Thank you Tim.
This is spot on!! I constantly feel insecure about my work performance. I get positive feedback but I always feel like I didn’t do enough or someone thinks my role isn’t needed. It’s made me depressed and I’ve sought out counseling and cptsd is what we’re working on. Spot on.
here's one trick I learned. And simple psychological tricks to ground yourself are the only ones that really work for me. if they're too difficult or require too much thinking then I get lost and can't implement them when I'm emotionally disregulated. here's the trick I tell myself. "Avoid mistakes as best you can. But every mistake you make can lead to something better." I used to associate mistakes with abandonment and rejection. It would destroy me. Being so guarded and nervous led to even more mistakes. It was a vicious cycle. And being so guarded and nervous would even lead certain people withdrawing from me. They had their own traumas where they would find emotionally disregualted people unsafe. Now I make mistakes, and I know there are so many positive outcomes that can come from it. I can learn from it, realize somebody has a better talent for it, or shift my priorities to find something I enjoy more. Mistakes are just sign posts to slow down, learn again, deligate to others, or encourage others that they're better at something; I know I'm also better at some things so there's an opportunity to separate tasks. Mistakes also allow me to learn about myself. Was I focused? If not, why? Is it a sign I need another strategy or path all-together? It's kinda cool. I make mistakes out to not be a big deal and I find I make less of them and deal better with the ones I do make.
That perfectly explains what im going through omg!!! WOW wtf. Im going back to nursing and omg the unhealthy amount of fear insecurity n wanting to back out is unreal. I know ill be good but damn😵💫😳 i wanna RUN
I try hard to be perfect, but also hold back so not to be in a vulnerable position. Overthinking is killing me. I was in denial of there trauma for so long, but over the last few years it has been emerging and over the last 3 months I admitted the trauma, that my mother was the cause (although I can't name her because she is the result of her trauma), however this has been an extremely difficult realisation. Not only that but how I was as a parent and the trauma I have caused. No more though, my daughter knows I am working through and healing as does my partner. However I am insecure, afraid, ashamed, struggling for identity - I just don't know myself, I don't know what is real or imagined, my whole life feels like a lie, a house of cards falling down around me but I am at a place I think I can find all this out. As terrifying as that is, it's better than it was. Each day brings something new - god it takes courage to do this so to everyone out there who is on this journey, you are already so much braver than most people you now no matter how weak and insecure you may feel.
What you're doing is so important and courageous, especially to do so late in life. If my mother took the steps to realize all her insecurities and see how it has impacted the people in her life I would be so grateful and it would help me heal as well. I hope you are doing well on your journey!!
Sounds like you’re describing my life in a nutshell. The question is how to release the energy of shame. Along with the side effects of suicidal ideation, I have overcome 90% of that desire. But whenever death comes along , I am ready for or perhaps don’t reaycare. There’s nobody who I need to be around for. So it won’t matter to be or not to be. Apparently there’s a small chance of reserve of capacity for the possibility in any amount of time it could cause the opportunity to complete the life lived. As a safety net for those times I could desire to say goodbye .
This all explains so much about how I deal with things. My childhood was bad. Full of abuse of all sorts and abandonment. I never had a set of parents that loved me and I was always compared to my sisters. I wound up marrying someone who over time did the same thing. I'm 51 years old, single and still dealing with all of this.
Thee videos are very spot on, I have a bit of all three I look forward to healing. Just hearing these words these facts makes me feel less shame towards my insecurities even if they are there I know that they are not my truth they may be another’s but not mine. May we all heal sending much love to all the children who have gone through this, may your own children benefit from your growth and effort to understanding yourself!
Absolutely priceless content!! Thank you so much! I'm going to share this with my 13 yr old son, whom suffers with insecurities, but I'm not sure why...😥
It would be silly to imagine God judging me the way I judge myself. Because I love God and God loves people, it means I must love away the insecurities I see in others and in myself.
I get it. This is what I think, too. Starting to change even one thing requires my full attention for a period of time. I’ve found that even one conscious effort to keep going forward with whatever it is that I am wanting to keep as a positive habit requires my loving attention to changing the habit that I no longer want to engage in. Even doing one push-up is better than not even beginning to go to the 25 push-ups that I want eventually accomplish. How can I support myself when doing this new thing? This old thing may have served me in the past for my survival. I know that I will have some times that I don’t think I am strong enough to keep going. I want to have a healthy person who will support me in my efforts to change. We need to be willing to ask for help from others. It’s where we can get our support to help us keep going.Hang in there.
@@helenwarren5217 no way! Your story has helped me. You gave me hopw & support that I havent received. Im always insulted by family. I feel like im suffering alone. But you reached out to me. May God bless you foe you kindness & openess. Addiction is hard to talk about because we're always judged and condemned
Hello.... I very much appreciate your Insight and education and absolutely poignant descriptions of complex trauma. I find that you're a very elaborate definitions resonate with me in every single video that you do. I was adopted at 3 days old which creates abandonment issues in and of itself then I was adopted into a family who my mom was very emotionally insecure and dysregulated and there's a whole Litany of things that I could describe but it also causes me to have lived in trauma in addition to the being adopted. What I struggle with is I don't know how to get over and and heal these things that you described. You do a very good way of describing them and then I resonate with him but there's not much content of how to repair and heal in the context of your videos. I would like to see more of that because I really do enjoy your outlook and your perspectives
I still have so much insecurities despite going for therapy with someone trained in childhood trauma. I am a high functioning person at work, and my boss & colleagues affirm me for the work I do but insecurities trigger me so much that it hinders me.
Good day Tim. My name is Jackie, first i would like to thank you for your amazing uploads. You gave me the chance to understand and explore myself if ways you don't believe. I am a 47 year old lady that lives is South Africa that suffered from Complex Trauma and it almost ruined my life. Your video's have shown me not only what was wrong with me but also on looking forward and working on my self in the future. I now also for the first time in my life have a amazing relationship with God and am growing Spiritually every day. I'm having my first service in our local church next Sunday and beginning a new journey that will help me share my story and hopefully help so many people like me, I want to use what you had reached me and hope you would not mind. There are so many peoples lives that can change with this knowledge and i want to share it as much as I can. I don't know you but will call you my Friend from GOD. Thank you once again Tim.
Thank you for explaining this...I've never heard an in depth explanation on the origins of insecurities. I'm a high performer, but I'm highly sensitive to when I feel I've disappointed someone, and I want ro run as far away as I can and never do that thing again. I know it's an overreaction, but it's still there. I'm realizing through your videos that what I thought was normal growing up was really me trying to protect myself from little t trauma through dissociation.
36:44 a peice of a suggestion. Spend more time on the helaing component. I feel like you go so deep into disease, which I love! But if you can add alittle more time discussing some tips and trick HOW to manage in a healthy way. Slend equal time of discussing how to heal.
I like what he shared, it's so informative. The only thing I noticed is their was only a few minutes of how to heal insecurity triggers, a majority of the talk was on the problem. Other then that, he's a great orator.
This particular chapter feels very important for me as well as for many listeners. I want to understand more about dealing with insecurities - Does Tim Fletcher discuss it further anywhere?
I'm starting at a new place and am already dreading all the questions about what I do and how I live my life. It feels like they'll see right through to how damaged I am and won't want to have anything to do with me. I am ashamed.
The thing I want to say about introversion is that it’s still not your true core identity. If it still has a negative connotation for you than that’s your intuition telling you that explanation is not quite right yet. It’s still based in the lie of complex trauma. We are given a core gift from Our Creator. Always considered the negatives, shy, introverted, boring, quiet, etc., triggers the shame in others skewed Core Self. That shame is offloaded onto a child by rejecting this mis-interpreted Core Self. They become the scapegoat. Then the child’s world is built on an inverted Core Self. So all the things you feel are negative about you are just the opposite of what is true. For example, Contemplativeness is a Core Gift. You weigh situations. It creates an honest environment. In a world full of lies there is nothing more threatening. Contemplation is the practice of being fully present - in heart, mind, body - to what is in a way that allows you to creatively respond. Contemplation is the finest form of happiness because it appears to us at our greatest capacities. At its greatest moment. Contemplation is the flow of God’s grace. From that Core Self comes creativity, compassion, intuition, confidence, thought, understanding, analytics, methodology, peace, etc. Inverted by shame, rejection, abandonment, it builds sadness, loss, loneliness, distress, anger, confusion, inattentiveness, autism behaviour, anxiety, etc.
Yep, I also have much insecurities in life but when I became a Christian, God changes my insecurities. He help me to understand that He created mankind in his own image. Psalm 139:14 King James Version 14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. He changed the way I view mine & other own unique physicality.
I had been triggered all my life, except a few years in childhood. It is so sad. I have been grieving enough to not be triggered thinking about this. Socializing, work performance, work environment, I feel scared, flashback into fight/flight mode all the time, fawn response is my defaut mode. And always in ADD mode, cant think and process emotions. DAMN, so angry. CPTSD cost me, cost us - so many things.
When my dad pays a compliment, he always pairs it with a criticism or mean comment. I left like my dad disliked most family, with a few exceptions. The only thing he seemed to admire was someone being 'hard' in term of fist fights. He has aged badly, and I'm working hard to be the opposite. I was fed flattery by my mum which I can't bear ti hear because of my low self esteem, and dad made it clear he liked me, as well as loved me. My brother was punished and the black sheep, except he is exceptionly bright, tough minded, and very strong morals and courageous. He a tough act to follow for me with ADHD and cptsd. Seeing my parents, my mums flattery makes me uncomfortable, and seeing dad is very uncomfortable how he and mum trigger eachother. Mum's on egg shells and depressed, and dad's triggered into Shame and anti social. I find it hard to take up my space in the world, when I speak up I feel guilty of being narcissist, I'm trying to learn natural flow in conversation and healthy non criticism.
I recently saw an Instagram video where a Christian couple said that when a wife denies a husband sex or doesn’t initiate sex, that it causes insecurity in the husband, that he will feel undesired and the result will be he won’t be the leader he needs to be. Personally, as someone who is a sexual trauma survivor, this message felt like they were manipulating wives to give sex. Sex wasn’t about connecting, it was to give the husband an ego boost, so he doesn’t feel insecure. What are your thoughts?
Surely the wife would feel very VERY insecure knowing her feelings didn't matter to him or anyone in their cult, because she was just a se× doll for him?
I heard a christian lady say that that too, and I feel like it's a dangerous advice. Her argument was something like "it's how they show they love you, so don't refuse your man, because it's like your are dennying their love" 🤨 It's shaming, and emotionally manipulative. Not being able to ever say "no" could lead to having sex even if you don't want to or feel unwell and it could also lead to abuse.
My mom's sister just had her granddaughter (she's almost 2 now). And i must admit that kid is superr cutee. My mom is obsessed w her, even tho she doesnt even like my mom😆 like my mom couldnt even hold her or get close to her. However, my mom kept talkinggg about her. It pissed me off. Like she would go over the top for her.. the way she played w her and gave her her attention. My inner child was soo hurt and triggered.. like i'd be waking up from sleeping and she'd be talking about that kid. I'd be waking up from my nap and she'd be talking about that kid. She'd be home from work and she'd be talking about that kid. It gets SOOOOO annoying! Ughh i hateeeee it. Even tho myself, i love that kid and she loves me sooo much. But it doesnt sit right with my inner child the level of obsession and attention my mom is giving her :/ i really feel like my mom only does this to get me jealous and she gets a kick out of it... ughh when i confronted her how this whole thing made me feel she was smiling as if my pain was her pleasure😞😞 this feels like freaking abuse man..
What took you so long Tim? Been waiting 60 years for you . The damage USA PUBLIC ASSISTANCE has done to the victims of america is the most inhumane lie ever. Being understood by you is priceless.
I can't even play pickleball! When I get criticism it makes me nervous, so I don't play well, which makes me more nervous, and I don't enjoy it. I know it's only a game but I get too stressed.
What I'm realizing more than I've already realized, it's that the amount of people brought up in an 'dysfunctional' family, as I was, may possibly be more than half the population. Makes me wonder about so many other things, so many other questions. It's like a lifetime of questions and hoping for the right answers. I don't know, maybe some of it is learning to accept yourself with who you are at the moment and start from there. Just a thought, I don't know the answers. Just hit me how I might be trying to erase something that can't be erased. Maybe it's wrong, but that wouldn't be new either.
My husband of 43 years has said he is not attracted to me. Yes, I have gained weight but it was because of meds the doctors gave me. I am no longer taking 2 of those meds and have lost 20lbs by fasting. It is hard all the way around.
52:57 so what do you do with someone who has been verbally and physically abusive yet will never own it or actually reconcile it. My ex wife denies almost everything abusive she has done towards me. Even gave her 4 more years after an unjustified divorce and she still refuses. After I told her to leave she was with another man within weeks physically. Then told me how much better he was at sex than I. I understand that we are supposed to love others but we don’t have to have anything to do with them. Even God will walk away eventually.
I’m kind of confused how the Christian part relates to the insecurity part… just loving yourself? And accepting your flaws? I thought the whole point of the initial talk was to point out the flawed thinking and the Christian part was supposed to address it
Can somebody explain to me why some people try to be funny by teasing others at 16:15? This is the most annoying thing about my ex. Despite asking him not to do it repeatedly, he ignored my boundaries.
I think it’s God-given? I’ve heard extroverts defined as those who get their “energy tank” filled by being around ppl, and introverts as those who get their “energy tank” filled from being alone. Both like being around other ppl, but extroverts “wilt” when alone too much, and introverts are drained by too much time with other ppl. There are degrees of each, too. Mr. Fletcher said he is “very introverted,” so he would need more alone time in order to be energized to be around ppl. I’m the same, whereas my son is ready for socializing after a busy work week; he happily anticipates time with ppl even if he’s tired. I, by contrast, would want to be home alone at least for a short time before being ready to socialize.
What does Jesus teach about dealing with psychopaths , narcissists and sociopaths? Those 3 types of beasts have many things in common, one of them loving that a person would turn their other cheek , that’d be like luxury for them
I find this scripture helpful when dealing with toxic people Matthew 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
@@traci6379 I love it, worth printing it on my tote bag , and t shirt, this should be psa and internalized by many ppl suffering abuse for not knowing better
Thank God for this man.
Lots of homework done n experience in his talks.
@@itsnuffin11 and youre better now? tell some more
YES!! Amen! I dropped to my knees a little while ago with the same prayer of thanks. His lectures gave me so much
I know right 😂 . Someone finally understands what I've been through
Pharisees scribes hellow. If it smells looks act treat it don't negotiate thanks
The idea that a child ticks through a list of possible reasons why they are not loved, and that's why we can be insecure in so many areas, is so enlightening. It is NOT MY FAULT. It is NOT OUR FAULT.
It is absolutely not our fault. It is absolutely not your fault. Little by little, we learn that we're not lovable. Then we have to realize our abuse, all on our own, and somehow attempt to become whole while we are blamed for our struggles. The parent passes the hot potato of shame by blaming the child for all of the struggles they've given them. That is no child's fault. That is not love.
I wish for all of us that we all find a place of healing, peace, acceptance, love, and belonging. Peace and love ❤
I am Hindu but I always stay for the christian part because of lots of similarities in the teachings around fairness , forgiveness , acceptance , and all what makes life worthy of living.
I am very grateful to you for this amazing video !! sending you many thanks from the core of my heart
My childhood was an episode on emotional trauma. T.V. was my escape . Raised by the television . Very dangerous thing .
however I have met very few insecure people that have anxiety issues once they reach a level
of financial stability it is almost as if the psychological warfare operation of money is so deceptive that it actually can numb people from their insecurities by having large amounts from it in other words you can effectively numb your insecurities out your entire life as long as your money situation is functional
I do not mean that your insecurities would be cured because of money I'm simply saying it can do a good job of covering it and numbing it so that other people do not really label you as insecure
@@aaronmcpeakofficial6256 absolutely.
Me too. There we no limits on how much I could watch tv and its still my go to to numb myself because I can’t use drugs and alcohol anymore.
@@aaronmcpeakofficial6256I'm sure it can. But I wouldn't recommend a lifestyle that way
God sent me this man when I hit the bottom of depression and emptiness and lots of negative thoughts, I knew it had something to do with my childhood traumas, of how badly I was treated by my parents and teachers, but I never knew how to articulate my thoughts and feelings to my past until this man came and saved me. You’re the father I wish I had.
Exact same experience here. I felt at my wits end having tried everything and this came explaining it all. It truly is a miracle how reality is operated for us to gain better understanding in times of need❤
@@theodorurhed ❤️
Scapegoat of my family here... I constantly want to run away when I am/feel exposed. You can imagine how i do at job interviews! I get them because I am skilled but always fail because of my insecurities. I no longer try and am focusing on my recovery. Its very painful and lonely. Thank you for your videos.
"Now tell us about yourself" is a nightmare moment for me. I truly dread talking about myself, or anything that makes me the center of attention... Strangely, the more I associate with someone, the more exposed / uncomfortable I feel. I wish I could tell you something helpful. I hope you feel better soon 💐
@@AA-yb8rg thank you and all the best to you. "Tell us something about yourself" is awful for me too. I try to practice it in writing. Practice is everything right!!?!
🎉🎉🎉ditto❤ you got this!
We are with you!
Its pretty hard when your own parent makes fun of you and encourages other siblings to say negative things as well, I preferred to be made fun by peers because it was equal ground and I could stick up for myself
*"Insecure"* (as ashamed as I am to say it) can sum me up in just about every way. I doubt and question everything- externally and significantly internally. I don't trust myself (or others- especially family) and I'm very severe when it comes to being unrealistic and perfectionistic. The anxiety, over-analyzing, over-thinking, and even overworking are very debilitating and exhausting. When these issues are often pointed out to me it causes me to become even more insecure. All of these discussions are eye-opening and validating. I wish those around me would be more open to hearing/ learning about these things and trying to better understand me while I'm trying to work through this mess.
good luck with working through your issues
@@marty4268 Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
Avoid the PRETEND ,GENERAL PATTON SAID ❤AS AMERICANS ITS OUR BIGGEST ENEMY
I am exactly the same.
❤
My dad would comment on my mothers, other Womens and my physical appearance constantly. Always about how old this person looked, how fat..everything. I’ve been told I’m small but I’ve felt HUGE my whole life.
My ex-husband, who was himself 100 lb overweight continuously criticized one of the mothers in our child's play group because she was about a 100 lb overweight. He spoke so cruelly like she wasn't even human
My father is like this. Another reason I’m not close to him especially since I’m fat.
@@yorkiemom6144 My narc mother did that to me in the childhood. Being fat af herself.
God is really using your material to make significant differences in my life. I'm pursuing a life coaching career and your material is invaluable. Thank you❤
Truly incredible. It is like you grew up in my home with a narcissistic, histrionic mother and abusive, alcoholic father. Me, the scapegoat feels completely seen and heard. Thank you
Same here
Same here as well.
Mostly I sob through these videos. This is all me, my childhood. I was abandoned at age 12 and am so traumatized. I wish I could afford this program. I eventually ran away from the USA and family because I just couldn't make it there. Here, medicine is available over the counter - no begging an overpaid shrink every month or worrying about insurance penalties, I can protect myself with greater dignity. Thank you for your work. There are so many hurting people out there - many of them moving to places that will do a better job of caring for them.
Shame & insecurity have run my entire life. Never felt safe.
Was called Cyclops for years and years in school because my eyes are close together.
I am doing my best to work through it (as it’s been brought up by a dark night of the soul and extreme suicidal ideation), but it feels so fucking impossible.
I just feel like I’m trapped in a straitjacket.
No matter how many friends I have that love me or how much I logically know I’m beautiful and worthy…. I feel terror and shame all the time.
But I’m here. I’m still alive.
I know my journey can help others.
It might take many years but that’s okay.
Thank you Tim.
This is spot on!! I constantly feel insecure about my work performance. I get positive feedback but I always feel like I didn’t do enough or someone thinks my role isn’t needed. It’s made me depressed and I’ve sought out counseling and cptsd is what we’re working on. Spot on.
I’m exactly the same
here's one trick I learned. And simple psychological tricks to ground yourself are the only ones that really work for me. if they're too difficult or require too much thinking then I get lost and can't implement them when I'm emotionally disregulated.
here's the trick I tell myself. "Avoid mistakes as best you can. But every mistake you make can lead to something better."
I used to associate mistakes with abandonment and rejection. It would destroy me. Being so guarded and nervous led to even more mistakes. It was a vicious cycle. And being so guarded and nervous would even lead certain people withdrawing from me. They had their own traumas where they would find emotionally disregualted people unsafe. Now I make mistakes, and I know there are so many positive outcomes that can come from it. I can learn from it, realize somebody has a better talent for it, or shift my priorities to find something I enjoy more.
Mistakes are just sign posts to slow down, learn again, deligate to others, or encourage others that they're better at something; I know I'm also better at some things so there's an opportunity to separate tasks. Mistakes also allow me to learn about myself. Was I focused? If not, why? Is it a sign I need another strategy or path all-together?
It's kinda cool. I make mistakes out to not be a big deal and I find I make less of them and deal better with the ones I do make.
Me too
I’ll round out this truma trifecta.😂
Imposter syndrome…
This man is telling my life story right now.
This video has earned a subscribe
Thank you, Mr Fletcher for offering this series for no cost❤
That perfectly explains what im going through omg!!! WOW wtf. Im going back to nursing and omg the unhealthy amount of fear insecurity n wanting to back out is unreal. I know ill be good but damn😵💫😳 i wanna RUN
So relatable
I try hard to be perfect, but also hold back so not to be in a vulnerable position. Overthinking is killing me. I was in denial of there trauma for so long, but over the last few years it has been emerging and over the last 3 months I admitted the trauma, that my mother was the cause (although I can't name her because she is the result of her trauma), however this has been an extremely difficult realisation. Not only that but how I was as a parent and the trauma I have caused. No more though, my daughter knows I am working through and healing as does my partner. However I am insecure, afraid, ashamed, struggling for identity - I just don't know myself, I don't know what is real or imagined, my whole life feels like a lie, a house of cards falling down around me but I am at a place I think I can find all this out. As terrifying as that is, it's better than it was. Each day brings something new - god it takes courage to do this so to everyone out there who is on this journey, you are already so much braver than most people you now no matter how weak and insecure you may feel.
🫂
Thank you. I'm in the same boat..🙏
What you're doing is so important and courageous, especially to do so late in life. If my mother took the steps to realize all her insecurities and see how it has impacted the people in her life I would be so grateful and it would help me heal as well. I hope you are doing well on your journey!!
I would say God lead me to your lectures!! Thank you SO much for all your teachings. You are touching lives and changing lives. ❤❤🙏
combined with therapy, Tim Fletcher's videos have given me the most help i have ever received in psychological treatment. thank you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
So glad I found this teaching... one week in... so much to learn and undo.. aware,. learn and grow
Thank you for your wisdom and your message. You are an example of what our world desperately needs right now!!
Sounds like you’re describing my life in a nutshell. The question is how to release the energy of shame. Along with the side effects of suicidal ideation, I have overcome 90% of that desire. But whenever death comes along , I am ready for or perhaps don’t reaycare. There’s nobody who I need to be around for. So it won’t matter to be or not to be. Apparently there’s a small chance of reserve of capacity for the possibility in any amount of time it could cause the opportunity to complete the life lived. As a safety net for those times I could desire to say goodbye .
I totally relate to your feelings. The mind is always trying to undermine my place of stability
This all explains so much about how I deal with things. My childhood was bad. Full of abuse of all sorts and abandonment. I never had a set of parents that loved me and I was always compared to my sisters. I wound up marrying someone who over time did the same thing. I'm 51 years old, single and still dealing with all of this.
Thee videos are very spot on, I have a bit of all three I look forward to healing. Just hearing these words these facts makes me feel less shame towards my insecurities even if they are there I know that they are not my truth they may be another’s but not mine. May we all heal sending much love to all the children who have gone through this, may your own children benefit from your growth and effort to understanding yourself!
Absolutely priceless content!! Thank you so much! I'm going to share this with my 13 yr old son, whom suffers with insecurities, but I'm not sure why...😥
Great talk once again! You really discuss the right topics with a great vision and analysis of the relevant issues.
It would be silly to imagine God judging me the way I judge myself. Because I love God and God loves people, it means I must love away the insecurities I see in others and in myself.
This is me perfectly stated😢
Im really glad that God showed me your channel. But there is just too much for me to even know where to begin. I get anxiety & a little discouraged
I get it. This is what I think, too. Starting to change even one thing requires my full attention for a period of time. I’ve found that even one conscious effort to keep going forward with whatever it is that I am wanting to keep as a positive habit requires my loving attention to changing the habit that I no longer want to engage in. Even doing one push-up is better than not even beginning to go to the 25 push-ups that I want eventually accomplish. How can I support myself when doing this new thing? This old thing may have served me in the past for my survival. I know that I will have some times that I don’t think I am strong enough to keep going. I want to have a healthy person who will support me in my efforts to change. We need to be willing to ask for help from others. It’s where we can get our support to help us keep going.Hang in there.
I can relate to you feeling discouraged. However, new insights are the first step to change!
I was so ashamed of my relapsing twicr that felt my story was of no use to anybody.
@@helenwarren5217 no way! Your story has helped me. You gave me hopw & support that I havent received. Im always insulted by family. I feel like im suffering alone. But you reached out to me. May God bless you foe you kindness & openess. Addiction is hard to talk about because we're always judged and condemned
@kimpuchek1956 That's the mindset for change and that's where I'm at in my life. Less self sabotage, more healthy mindsets and actions.
Life is waiting us arm open but we intercede, money, power. All the tool to fail the exchange.
Hello.... I very much appreciate your Insight and education and absolutely poignant descriptions of complex trauma. I find that you're a very elaborate definitions resonate with me in every single video that you do. I was adopted at 3 days old which creates abandonment issues in and of itself then I was adopted into a family who my mom was very emotionally insecure and dysregulated and there's a whole Litany of things that I could describe but it also causes me to have lived in trauma in addition to the being adopted. What I struggle with is I don't know how to get over and and heal these things that you described. You do a very good way of describing them and then I resonate with him but there's not much content of how to repair and heal in the context of your videos. I would like to see more of that because I really do enjoy your outlook and your perspectives
Story of my life
I still have so much insecurities despite going for therapy with someone trained in childhood trauma. I am a high functioning person at work, and my boss & colleagues affirm me for the work I do but insecurities trigger me so much that it hinders me.
God bless you Mr Fletcher 🙏🏻❤️ tremendously helpful teaching!
22:56 people always put me down for being an introvert. “You’re too shy, you’re too quiet. You’re weird.” I might be autistic too not sure.
It's crazy how accurately this describes my behavior. Everything.
Good day Tim. My name is Jackie, first i would like to thank you for your amazing uploads. You gave me the chance to understand and explore myself if ways you don't believe. I am a 47 year old lady that lives is South Africa that suffered from Complex Trauma and it almost ruined my life. Your video's have shown me not only what was wrong with me but also on looking forward and working on my self in the future. I now also for the first time in my life have a amazing relationship with God and am growing Spiritually every day. I'm having my first service in our local church next Sunday and beginning a new journey that will help me share my story and hopefully help so many people like me, I want to use what you had reached me and hope you would not mind. There are so many peoples lives that can change with this knowledge and i want to share it as much as I can. I don't know you but will call you my Friend from GOD. Thank you once again Tim.
The line in the movie "Apollo 13" when he said, "Failure is not an option." made electric shocks go down my arms. That was my dad's mantra to me.
I can relate to much of this. Thank you for explaining everything so well.
Thank you for explaining this...I've never heard an in depth explanation on the origins of insecurities. I'm a high performer, but I'm highly sensitive to when I feel I've disappointed someone, and I want ro run as far away as I can and never do that thing again. I know it's an overreaction, but it's still there. I'm realizing through your videos that what I thought was normal growing up was really me trying to protect myself from little t trauma through dissociation.
36:44 a peice of a suggestion. Spend more time on the helaing component. I feel like you go so deep into disease, which I love! But if you can add alittle more time discussing some tips and trick HOW to manage in a healthy way. Slend equal time of discussing how to heal.
I agree although I do love the Christian part.
I like what he shared, it's so informative. The only thing I noticed is their was only a few minutes of how to heal insecurity triggers, a majority of the talk was on the problem. Other then that, he's a great orator.
Oh my goodness! This man is truly a God send! Thank you so much 🙏🏼
This is absolutely spot on for me. How do I fix it?!
This man is a genius 🙌🏾 in this area.
This particular chapter feels very important for me as well as for many listeners. I want to understand more about dealing with insecurities - Does Tim Fletcher discuss it further anywhere?
I'm starting at a new place and am already dreading all the questions about what I do and how I live my life. It feels like they'll see right through to how damaged I am and won't want to have anything to do with me. I am ashamed.
The thing I want to say about introversion is that it’s still not your true core identity. If it still has a negative connotation for you than that’s your intuition telling you that explanation is not quite right yet. It’s still based in the lie of complex trauma.
We are given a core gift from Our Creator. Always considered the negatives, shy, introverted, boring, quiet, etc., triggers the shame in others skewed Core Self. That shame is offloaded onto a child by rejecting this mis-interpreted Core Self. They become the scapegoat. Then the child’s world is built on an inverted Core Self. So all the things you feel are negative about you are just the opposite of what is true.
For example, Contemplativeness is a Core Gift. You weigh situations. It creates an honest environment. In a world full of lies there is nothing more threatening.
Contemplation is the practice of being fully present - in heart, mind, body - to what is in a way that allows you to creatively respond.
Contemplation is the finest form of happiness because it appears to us at our greatest capacities. At its greatest moment.
Contemplation is the flow of God’s grace.
From that Core Self comes creativity, compassion, intuition, confidence, thought, understanding, analytics, methodology, peace, etc.
Inverted by shame, rejection, abandonment, it builds sadness, loss, loneliness, distress, anger, confusion, inattentiveness, autism behaviour, anxiety, etc.
This channel is just heaven sent ❤️
Yep, I also have much insecurities in life but when I became a Christian, God changes my insecurities. He help me to understand that He created mankind in his own image.
Psalm 139:14
King James Version
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
He changed the way I view mine & other own unique physicality.
11:00 - Security in Children and how insecurities, lies and fears are form.
Thank you SO much for your videos. I am watching them all. I am learning. I am healing.
You have such a gift. Thank you again. ❤
I knew this was the dead-on-right video for me because I had to watch it in spurts. WOW
I had been triggered all my life, except a few years in childhood. It is so sad. I have been grieving enough to not be triggered thinking about this. Socializing, work performance, work environment, I feel scared, flashback into fight/flight mode all the time, fawn response is my defaut mode. And always in ADD mode, cant think and process emotions. DAMN, so angry. CPTSD cost me, cost us - so many things.
42:00 - Loving God and loving Others without distortion.
When my dad pays a compliment, he always pairs it with a criticism or mean comment. I left like my dad disliked most family, with a few exceptions. The only thing he seemed to admire was someone being 'hard' in term of fist fights. He has aged badly, and I'm working hard to be the opposite. I was fed flattery by my mum which I can't bear ti hear because of my low self esteem, and dad made it clear he liked me, as well as loved me. My brother was punished and the black sheep, except he is exceptionly bright, tough minded, and very strong morals and courageous. He a tough act to follow for me with ADHD and cptsd.
Seeing my parents, my mums flattery makes me uncomfortable, and seeing dad is very uncomfortable how he and mum trigger eachother. Mum's on egg shells and depressed, and dad's triggered into Shame and anti social. I find it hard to take up my space in the world, when I speak up I feel guilty of being narcissist, I'm trying to learn natural flow in conversation and healthy non criticism.
Your sermon at the end was so helpful.
thank you for helping us.
I recently saw an Instagram video where a Christian couple said that when a wife denies a husband sex or doesn’t initiate sex, that it causes insecurity in the husband, that he will feel undesired and the result will be he won’t be the leader he needs to be. Personally, as someone who is a sexual trauma survivor, this message felt like they were manipulating wives to give sex. Sex wasn’t about connecting, it was to give the husband an ego boost, so he doesn’t feel insecure. What are your thoughts?
Surely the wife would feel very VERY insecure knowing her feelings didn't matter to him or anyone in their cult, because she was just a se× doll for him?
Men really need sex.
I heard a christian lady say that that too, and I feel like it's a dangerous advice. Her argument was something like "it's how they show they love you, so don't refuse your man, because it's like your are dennying their love" 🤨 It's shaming, and emotionally manipulative. Not being able to ever say "no" could lead to having sex even if you don't want to or feel unwell and it could also lead to abuse.
Thanks!
My mom's sister just had her granddaughter (she's almost 2 now). And i must admit that kid is superr cutee. My mom is obsessed w her, even tho she doesnt even like my mom😆 like my mom couldnt even hold her or get close to her. However, my mom kept talkinggg about her. It pissed me off. Like she would go over the top for her.. the way she played w her and gave her her attention. My inner child was soo hurt and triggered.. like i'd be waking up from sleeping and she'd be talking about that kid. I'd be waking up from my nap and she'd be talking about that kid. She'd be home from work and she'd be talking about that kid. It gets SOOOOO annoying! Ughh i hateeeee it. Even tho myself, i love that kid and she loves me sooo much. But it doesnt sit right with my inner child the level of obsession and attention my mom is giving her :/ i really feel like my mom only does this to get me jealous and she gets a kick out of it... ughh when i confronted her how this whole thing made me feel she was smiling as if my pain was her pleasure😞😞 this feels like freaking abuse man..
thank you for this insight.
There is nothing like a bad kids ,only bad parents.
What took you so long Tim? Been waiting 60 years for you . The damage USA PUBLIC ASSISTANCE has done to the victims of america is the most inhumane lie ever. Being understood by you is priceless.
You are amazing. Thank you so much❤
I can't even play pickleball! When I get criticism it makes me nervous, so I don't play well, which makes me more nervous, and I don't enjoy it. I know it's only a game but I get too stressed.
What I'm realizing more than I've already realized, it's that the amount of people brought up in an 'dysfunctional' family, as I was, may possibly be more than half the population.
Makes me wonder about so many other things, so many other questions.
It's like a lifetime of questions and hoping for the right answers.
I don't know, maybe some of it is learning to accept yourself with who you are at the moment and start from there.
Just a thought, I don't know the answers. Just hit me how I might be trying to erase something that can't be erased.
Maybe it's wrong, but that wouldn't be new either.
This was very accurate 🙀
I wish I could send more but I don’t have infinity dollars 😅 that’s what you deserve, ya freakin beautiful genius 💖 thank you sooooo much
On the Christian portion, my father always said: Hate the sin, love the sinner.
Excellent ❤
Thank you!
This was the funniest 😂😂😂 may be laughter is my coping mechanism
My husband of 43 years has said he is not attracted to me. Yes, I have gained weight but it was because of meds the doctors gave me. I am no longer taking 2 of those meds and have lost 20lbs by fasting. It is hard all the way around.
Thank you for “Christian part”🙏
This is excellent 👏🏻❤
Great video
Disappointing others is a big one for Ms people pleaser.
Absolutely. It will be (or already is) the death of me. 🧞♀️🏴☠️⚱️
Thank you ❤
52:57 so what do you do with someone who has been verbally and physically abusive yet will never own it or actually reconcile it.
My ex wife denies almost everything abusive she has done towards me. Even gave her 4 more years after an unjustified divorce and she still refuses.
After I told her to leave she was with another man within weeks physically. Then told me how much better he was at sex than I.
I understand that we are supposed to love others but we don’t have to have anything to do with them. Even God will walk away eventually.
This is amazing. Just how many videos does this man have on cptsd?
A bunch and they’re all gold
Not enough
So many words. This all could be summarized in a coupke minutes.
What will happen if the kid grow with perfect parents and all needs met? Without any trauma? Is that gonna be good thing? Or otherwise?
🇿🇦 thank you
One can easily have external security and internal insecurity.
Excellent 👍👋
This is EXACTLY what I have needed to hear. I have been so confused as to why I do these things. Thank you!
Ok so HOW do i become secure
Find a nice secure bloke
watch the next video
Check out Michael J Singer's views on life
He is very detailed I love he does it. Thanks 🙏🏻
I’m kind of confused how the Christian part relates to the insecurity part… just loving yourself? And accepting your flaws? I thought the whole point of the initial talk was to point out the flawed thinking and the Christian part was supposed to address it
The one I listened to was just drawing parallel comparisons to what he said , but from biblical verses
We shall Overcome
Can somebody explain to me why some people try to be funny by teasing others at 16:15? This is the most annoying thing about my ex. Despite asking him not to do it repeatedly, he ignored my boundaries.
I wonder if introversion is a God-given personality or a learned behavior.
I think it’s God-given?
I’ve heard extroverts defined as those who get their “energy tank” filled by being around ppl, and introverts as those who get their “energy tank” filled from being alone.
Both like being around other ppl, but extroverts “wilt” when alone too much, and introverts are drained by too much time with other ppl.
There are degrees of each, too. Mr. Fletcher said he is “very introverted,” so he would need more alone time in order to be energized to be around ppl.
I’m the same, whereas my son is ready for socializing after a busy work week; he happily anticipates time with ppl even if he’s tired. I, by contrast, would want to be home alone at least for a short time before being ready to socialize.
@@lisaware9697You know it!
Maybe it’s both - can’t be a fighter all the time it’s exhausting
YHVH HELP US!!!😢
I do fall short little bit
Brilliant. The only thing is the healing part of the video isnt as in depth as id like
25:02
28:35
What does Jesus teach about dealing with psychopaths , narcissists and sociopaths? Those 3 types of beasts have many things in common, one of them loving that a person would turn their other cheek , that’d be like luxury for them
I find this scripture helpful when dealing with toxic people
Matthew 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
@@traci6379 I love it, worth printing it on my tote bag , and t shirt, this should be psa and internalized by many ppl suffering abuse for not knowing better
Have you considered the possibility that a relationship with god can be toxic (a distortion)?