I was so neglected by my narcissistic parents and became necessarily so self-sufficient from such a young age that it truly amazes me that I even survived! Hugs to all my fellow survivors 🤗
I can relate.. my childhood was similar.. mum passed away giving birth.. dad left me with his mother and widowed sister and went away remarried.. my aunt abused me verbally physically emotionally everyday a peaceful day was happiness.. I used to wake up fearing what's it gonna be today... My family was heavily religious.. church every Sunday without fail Bible study etc., But no kindness inside home... I was a maid mostly.. my education was stopped on and off... Before the night of my public exam there was major fight episode at home I cried all night hardly slept and by god's grace passed my exam.. my grandmother passed away at my 19yrsvand i was sent out of home... I became an orphan overnight..😢.. I was homeless slept in chairs in railway station and bus stations found a job stayed in hostel built myself from nothing.. ended up marrying a narcissist..😂 the cycle continued and I broke it.. homeless with a kid... Again I built myself up for my kid's sake and am a lawyer now.. working on securing financial stability for my kid.. educating her on this toxic relationships hope she has a good life.. as lon as am alive am gonna make sure she becomes a decent human being.
Anyone else laughing bitterly when he reads off the long “maybe this happened in your childhood. Or maybe THIS!” ..... and each and every one on the list applies to you 😓😓😓
My wife and I have just started researching this. At first her therapist thought it was BPD or covert Narc tendencies but they don't really line up. Her family history looks and smells exactly like complex trains and I'm so happy I found this channel. Everyone else has told me to run. I do not and will not run. If we can figure out what's happening together, it will be for no lack of trying. I love her and don't want to abandon her like every single person in her life, including her family. I'm hoping we can learn to work through this together. It's hard when someone believes things that never happened. Has to watch a video of what was said before accepting reality. It's hard never knowing from one day to the next what to expect. She's an amazing person. When things are good, they are so good. Just need to get past the "triggers" that set her back in a mindset she's still with her abusive family or abusive ex.Thanks for the great content!!!
What kind of things would she think did ir didn't happen? Like would it be everyday things (I just cleaned that or was just holding my keys but they are gone) or human interactions like who said what and or the other person's intent? Does paranoid thinking affect her? Does she remember her childhood very well? I gave hundreds of questions and I apologize it's just that I am struggling to help myself so I can be a good mom to my 6 and 4 year old girls. I unfortunately fit into almost every category of this lecture as the child AND the parent. Which breaks my heart. I have been on this journey for awhile and bpd was where I truly felt I belonged until cptsd came along a few months ago.any insight would be helpful. Thank you and thank you for not running.
@@tracycarter541 I'm so sorry I missed your comment! Thank you so much and please don't worry about the questions, I'll try to answer them the best I can. The thing she tends to do, is react negatively to something I said. It's almost always a verbal trigger. The strange part is, there might not be anything obvious. The first example we were lucky enough to have was an interaction of us getting home from some work we were doing, and the ring cam captured our conversation. She was . grabbing some things in the truck, I had already taken an armful of stuff into the house and came back out to grab whatever was left. I walked up to the truck and just asked her a normal question in a very friendly tone "hey honey, can I help grab anything?" It was a perfectly friendly question since she was still inside the truck getting her things together. She responded in a way that didn't make sense at all, like I just insulted her or something. When we both came inside, I could see she was upset and asked her if everything was alright. She said no and swore I had just come outside and ripped her head off about something (I don't remember what she thought I said, but she was adamant I did it). Things escalated with her so fast it scared me. I knew what she was saying didn't just happen, so I said I wish I had a body cam. We both remembered the ring cam on the front porch and realized it may have recorded us. She was just as excited to play the video as I was and couldn't wait to prove me wrong. Then she saw and heard me asking to help out nicely, and absolutely nothing she had in her head or anything rude or mean had happened. It blew her mind. She would have sworn on anything what she said really happened. To her it was as real as the phone I'm typing on now. What's worse, is she said her family and her ex used to try to make her feel crazy by changing words around or what was said. After that happened , I started to tell her I was going to record our conversations if she starts feeling upset and showing certain signs I had noticed. She even gets a different look on her face when things get bad. Time and time again, I'd play it back for her the next day (the next day it was always like nothing happened for her, no matter how ugly things got) and we finally realized a pattern . A simple question asking if she needed help could trigger her to feel like she wasn't capable or not good enough. A simple question could trigger trust issues. Or any number of negative emotions stemming from her past relationship and childhood. She feels the need to be perfect in everything all the time. Has trouble laughing at silly things we all do and is in need of validation all the time. We've tried 3 therapists since I posted here and the last one really helped but by total accident. She said she really liked this one and wanted me to sit in on a zoom call. I did and was horrified. The doctor (a female) wasn't just blasting her, but women in general. It gave her an out not to put the blame on herself, but on the fact she's a woman. After the call, I said I'm not a doctor but I don't think that's healthy at all. She's planting these ideas that basically women are all unstable crazy messed up people and that everything bad that's happened to her is her fault, but not by choice. So I asked her if being a woman is why her brother is in jail for murder, or why her dad went to jail for child x or why her ex cheated and tried to kill her, then got caught with a dude (he's gay now) or why her mother and sister won't talk to her because she left the religious cult they were in? Or that this therapist that bashed women for an hour then asked you for $2,800 upfront for a ten week self study course, then said it's not a lot of money if you really want to fix this? (Scam) which started a huge blow up because she said not just handing over the money meant I liked to see her like this and didn't want to fix anything. So I just promised to work with her, be patient and when she goes off on me, leave the room and not engage. I keep my distance the rest of the day sometimes and sure enough, the next morning things are fine. Incredibly things have gotten a LOT better between us. The episodes are less and less frequent now, maybe one every 10 days to two weeks. I'm sorry I don't have any real answers for you and for rambling so much. It's hard to compress almost 2 years of unbelievable struggles into a comment lol. Are things getting any better on your end?
The fear of "being a burden", "burdening others" or how sick it makes me feel to even consider asking for or accepting help is a thought and feeling that crosses my mind multiple times every single day.
Practice! Getting healthy takes a lot of time and practice. It’s a life-long full-time job. One of my mantras is from Dr. Wayne Dyer and he said… ‘I’m better than I used to be!’
. I'm sorry friend, but research tells us that the seeds of narcissism are planted in childhood. When you are ready to learn, I suggest you explore this possibility.
@@krmccarrell You do understand that real, full-blown narcissistic personality disorder people do not recognize other people _as people,_ who have their own needs, correct? For a real narcissist, other people are exactly like non-player characters in a video game, including their spouse and kids.
When even a ride home from school is too much to ask for as an eight year-old child, clean clothes, necessary medical care ect....well, just the bare minimum as an adult seems good enough. We, the unloved children, grow up to be adults that settle for much less than our birthright and potential. We are the perpetual under-achievers.
I remember my mother asking me every time I cried or needed anything, "what do you want from me?" She was so annoyed or angry with me anytime I needed her, that I stopped bothering her. Then she got mad at me when I grew up and moved away and didnt keep in touch with her as often as she wanted. I couldnt win with her.
Traits that predict and cause illness: 1. Automatic concern for other people's (emotional) needs above your own 2. A rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility 3. Repressed (and/or suppressed) emotions 4. (Self-limiting) beliefs 5. Responsibility for other people's emotions 6. "I must NEVER disappoint ANYONE..." So, when there’s a disagreement, when I need to say YES or when I need to say NO, when I need to state my needs, and ask for them to be met... When I need to create boundaries... There's a possibility and a probability, that someone will inevitably, most likely, be disappointed in me... So I engage in every encounter, interaction, and relationship... In a way that ensures, that the person disappointed in me... NEVER ends up being me! I aim to never repress, never suppress. I aim to never lose parts of myself. Radical honesty only: 100% of the time. Always, all ways. I NO LONGER HAVE MY VOICE SILENCED. I ROAR!!! ‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼
7) poverty/no resources/no way to improve one's fiancial class ... because money can buy a person out of their problems, money is the shovel that digs a person out of hell.
@@emmalouie1663 Emma, money can help sooth things in the short term but it really isn't the answer. I myself have decided to go back to basics, for example appreciation of nature, the simple things I enjoyed as a kid. I've had money and been in good positions to live a good material life but that's not me. I spent all I had trying to fix other people and not looking after myself, so it's now my turn to go back and concentrate on me. I don't know if this is making sense to you but I wish you well and I hope you find your peace and happiness. Best wishes. 🙂
Where has this video been all my life?!!! My childhood home had so much dysfunction that I couldn’t bring myself to have kids. I didn’t think I had the tools to not mess them up. I’ve felt damaged and shame all my life.😖 Thank u, thank u, thank YOU!❤
I was so scared of becoming the same as my Father ( abusive verbally and physically since I and my brother was 3 ) , walking on eggshells every day, wanting to escape but couldn’t etc I put off having a child with every excuse to my wife. When a beautiful boy was unexpectedly born when I was 38 , I was so loving . But , I had this haunting feeling because of stress. I decided to divorce my wife and let her have full access when he was 2 ( so it was not too late).Her family is so supportive. I wanted to give him a good life away from me. I moved to another country . I stay in touch and visited him for many years and gave him love and care. But I wanted to ‘ spare him ‘ from me on a daily basis. My brother committed suicide at 41. My father ruined my life . He affected my personality, character, social life, career . I’m now 64 and still have panic attacks. I’ve never taken drugs. But sleeping pills numb .
But, believe me you are an amazing soul. Because, you never wanted to pass on this immense pain and agony to your children, I would like to congratulate you for doing and amazing favour to yourself, your future kids and to this world. Wish you all the best with all the love and care for you from bottom of my heart ❤🎉💋..
This is exactly my story. I've never had anyone in my circle of friends who could relate to this feeling. Reading your comment is precious (and also bringing a lot of emotion...) ❤
All of this applies to me. I had to keep my parents from killing each other. I remember the violent fights when I was three years old and I was afraid I was going to die. I was an only child and it never got better until I went off to college. I still suffer from mental health issues and isolate. I never ask for help because there is always a price to pay and I regret asking. ❤️ I wish the best to all who had to face these fears
Please try EMDR and/or neurofeedback treatments….both helped my scapegoated husband who was emotionally/psychologically/physically abused for years….you deserve to heal and be happy ☺️🌼🌼
the problem with that thought process for me was always "at what point is it bad enough for you to care?" and the answer turned out to be "never" and that's when I realized they just don't give a shit
To quote 'other people have it worse', is irrelevant and invalidating. It really pisses me off when people say this, of course other people may have it worse, but it doesn't mean that you are not suffering. It's a cop out. It's not a competition, there is no scale of pain/suffering, if it affects us, that's reality.
It makes sense; even in "lucky" situations when the parents do their best to provide all the basic stuff for their kid (spending their hard earned money to keep them safe, fed, dressed, clean & healthy), when the child voices extra needs & wants, that may be perceived as you say - ungrateful, bratty, selfish, spoiled kid behavior. Providing goods & care happens at one level, cultivating child's autonomy & individuality at another.
The "you never want to be too much for people because youre afraid they'll abandon you". I have CPTSD and chronic fatigue from being so self sufficient. I was horrifically afraid of being a burden and therefore neber asked for help. Now Im sick and its still hard to ask my husband.
One thing for thought consideration. You can know what happened to make you the way you are, but asking for help from your spouse is a moment of vulnerability that you trust they will help to look after you. To not ask is saying you think they are not capable. The only thing you need is to acknowledge their help and allow that they will do it their way which may not be perfect or what you completely wanted. Hopefully with some give and take a balance will be reached where the mountain of must do tasks are Re-distributed in a way that works for all.
I have to say, UA-cam videos have been really good at showing all of us one thing if nothing else: none of us are alone. I don't know how many times I've had the myth of "and I thought I was the only one" obliterated right before my own eyes in just the past few months. What a mess! Heartbreaking to see so many suffering from trauma as children. Only silver lining to this that I've found so far is the community that has spawned as a result of people wanting to be free of this and help others to do the same. I've found that just having a vocabulary which helps express all of this has freed me up quite a bit to better comprehend my own traumas and let them go. Truth will set you free, but it'll usually piss you off really good first.
Holy moly...learning about this now, being middle aged... well, better to be at the party late versus never showing up lol. Still alive, there are always opportunities to grow. Thank you for putting information out here for us! 🕊️
Was just about to comment about this. You’re absolutely spot on. He’s miscommunicating. Massive weak spot in his bedside manner and tact and frankly skill. He at the very least, he should have qualified making those observations of procrastination or manipulation as a way to adjust or guide his relationship to that client or patient. This is indeed a very common element of current broken paternalistic authoritarian severe outdated Canadian culture. Obviously to be stable in life laziness and procrastination isn’t helpful, but often IS ITSELF the result of complex trauma.. the paralyzing fear / incapacity of doing anything on their own..
Beingvraised to ignore my needs and never be a burden is also a burden as a parent because when youre kids ask for help, you unknowingly pass all this down to them.."oh, let me tell you how hard i had it". This also produces more shame and guilt for the poor job i did as a parent. We are not burdens and they are not burdens.
And now I'm a textbook Dismissive avoidant who can't even stand others. I'm hyper independent and get very suspicious of other people's help. I constantly question what's their motive. They have to be after something
You hit the nail on the head about how Western culture creates these problems. The indigenous children I live with are still raised by extended family in a village they don't want to leave unless necessary for economic survival. This is in the Andes of Ecuador. Every day I am impressed by the relative self-confidence, cooperation, courtesy and calmness of the children, teens and adults. I always can tell when a child was raised by parents alone in a city or another country. Those kids are whiney, clingy, demanding, territorial, interrupt and have tantrums. If I happen to ask, indeed I will be told that this child was not raised in the village with their extended family. They were raised more in alignment with our Western values and nuclear family system.
This is what happened when his people were fleeced, beaten, raped and abused, separated from their lands and their lives with one of the most brutal genocides in history perpetrated by the British colonizers. Drugs, alcohol, violence...COMPLEX TRAUMA It is more than studied. Ahhhh
I never learned to make my needd known therefore i never learn to ask for help.I grew up in poverty and alcohoism so learned to be self sufficient, unseen and unheard.In my marriage i carried my fears alone but i ended up with major depression and alcoholism.I tried sobriety without a support sysfem in place and had no one when my husband died i returned to alcohol briefly after 16 years of sobriety.My 2nd marriage was to a narcissist who literally exhausted me like a 2 year old child.It was not a healthy relationship..I tried to end my life but thank god i didn't succeed.Now i find out about CPSTD and it make sense.
Addiction is the result of repetition compulsion attempting to work out trauma ineffectively. Problem drinking/drug abuse is effective while under the influence, but the failure loop that leads substance abuse to addiction is because it wears off. This is the same mechanism that drives serial killing in most cases (sublimated rage toward the mother that doesn’t establish safety because it doesn’t eliminate it’s object). Pay attention next time some kid shoots up his whole family… If he gets the mother he usually calls the popo himself and surrenders calmly, even politely. AA is a functional workaround for narcissism. Moral inventory accountability and self examination for people who don’t do that otherwise. I’m not shaming you I had 30 years in and out with 6 1/2 as the longest stretch until I even realized my trauma-which narcissists of course seal off and just need help living in polite society (and will stop drinking if they have a steady stream of “newcomers” upon whom to prey and next to whom to feel superior). Getting squirrelly without meetings is jonesIng for supply. The concept of terminal uniqueness and “I had to stop playing God - - who the fuck ever heard or ever thought like that but I was told “fake it till you make it“ which was a very unnatural sounding thing but of course is perfectly natural to a narcissist. Anyway what I’m saying is we all have some of it in us and maybe before calling your ex a narcissist or feeling superior to the person who keeps getting six months and relapsing (probably because they don’t need narcissism anonymous but need to get the goddamn narcissists who are still extracting marrow out of their lives) give a bit of thought to what kind of group can’t acknowledge it’s leadership (paraphrased) “lest problems of property or prestige divert [us] from [our] primary purpose”.
It's really amazing how he can make sense out of things we normalized or at least thought/think were/are fairly "normal" thanks to our upbringing. I always feel like Tim "gets me" in a way that so many others never have- including myself. 🙁 I became self-sufficient in my mid-teens bc I was sick of my parents and others holding anything they ever did for me over my head. Even if it came to buying deodorant, shampoo, basic necessities or something I would pay for it. If I bought something for my parents when they asked (or not) - always being the daughter that thought I could buy or earn their love in hope of even have them "like me", I wouldn't accept their money. They, on the other hand, expected me to pay them back- with tax, to the penny. Prior to me independently buying my own necessities and beyond, my mom would write the price on a tube of toothpaste or anything she happened to buy whether I asked for it or not with black Sharpie marker so I would know what she did for me and that I owed her $_____. It was helpful in learning how much things cost and prepared me for 'the real world', but the reason behind it was more out of spite than educating. To this day, people who know me will often comment "I know you don't like gifts/ help/ people doing stuff for you, but will you please at least allow me to do_____?" I get a sickening/ anxious physical reaction any time someone wants to do XYZ. I've tried practicing allowing help or whatever, but always find myself defaulting to my typical mindset because it's an unbearable idea or one I ruminate about and can't move past until I've "repaid them". Birthdays and holidays are dreadful. I love to give and do what I can for others, but receiving/ accepting gives me tremendous anxiety. I always say "do something for me by not doing anything for me and that will make me feel good." My therapist helped give me the perspective that I was essentially depriving others of the same joy I find and cherish in helping others if I don't allow them the opportunity to help me somehow. Sorry for the novel.
If I may add a more subtle one to the list - a family situation where the children get overnourished, overprotected, over-cared for, but otherwise the environment is pretty cramping, so they become accustomed to sit passively on the receiving side. They are taught high, noble human & moral values to the detriment of authenticity and so they become overly-polite and overly-grateful for all the care, love and attention they receive, however they don't dare to ask for anything more (if anything, out of politeness they refuse some of the goods they are being offered). Everything they receive is wonderful and can't help but feeling grateful, even if it's not necessarily something they wished for (but hey - it's still very nice and is rightly perceived as valuable) and in time their own needs and wants atrophy and wither after having been repeatedly overlooked. So in adult life the difficulty is not being in tune with their own needs, not knowing what they want, not knowing that they can ask for what they want, but unconsciously continuing to expect to receive everything, which of course doesn't happen any more (without a clear reason, since this passive mode of operation is still unconscious), which in turn produces great anxiety.
This comment is so concise and so very spot on that I applauded after reading it. You have perfectly described my (possibly) soon- to- be ex. Mid- sixties and still being raised by his mom. Enmeshment....
I can relate in similar ways. My dad especially instilled a complex abusive/spoiled dynamic in me. We had everything materially but nothing emotionally meeting our own needs and expected to be perfect. I was a free spirited child disrupting his controlled environment and crazy expectations hence getting punished severely for speaking out at injustices. I learned to not care, to shut off and indulge in what made me feel good and in not the best of ways. As the youngest I saw my much older siblings miserable, petty, overly competitive even when they were the top best performers in sports, academics, etc. I was a supposed prodigy with an opportunity to go to Julliard when I was a small child but his abuse and mistreatment of me made me not value myself. It's taken decades to heal and undo but I am much better and want to send love and encouragement to all of us comrades in finding more freedom and to fall in love with life in new ways again...
Oooh, this one really hit home. I cannot thank you enough for making these videos freely available to the public. The insights you share have been profoundly eye-opening and amazing in their timing right now in my life. I've learnt more about myself and my entire family dynamic from you than from 18 years of counselling and self-help books. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've said the pretty much the same thing. I learned and come to understand more in 30 minutes of listening to Tim than I have in 20+ years of consistent therapy, hospitalizations and being on medications.
Very interesting talk as usual, have learnt so much from Tim. I don't rely on other ppl for anything and have always been self sufficient. For me this is normal but listening to these talks makes me realize how different I am to ppl that don't have a background of trauma.
Thank you for all the work you’re doing for those of us with complex trauma. I’m not religious but I find myself really enjoying the biblical stories, also.
I have read the whole Bible but it was decades ago. I remember I enjoyed Proverbs and Exclesiastes and got scared and confused with Revelations ( Apocalypse).
Great timing for this video. I have this fear of being a burden and priding myself on being independent but learnt here that being interdependent is the answer. I realise how important it is to ask for help and get needs met and it is not a sign of weakness. Thank you for this teaching.
I don’t know any Christian that speaks like this. With this truth, awareness, and care for the human experience. And doesn’t force their religion on you with fear mongering. I have been surrounded by Christians that believe it would be sinful to bring any of this up. The spiritual bypassing is strong and a survival technique with them. It’s also deeply conditioned in me. Modern Christianity has in itself become so abusive and neglectful of the human experience in many different sects of the religion. So I subscribe because it’s refreshing to finally hear the truth…from a Christian. But I feel reluctant and that I must be carefully discerning to receive teachings from a Christian at the same time 🥺 spiritual trauma cuts deep.
One thing I have done in regard to Christianity is to study the Gnostic Chritians. They have a fascinating perspective on Christ and most of their writings date to a time that was closer to the time Christ was alive than the actual standardized Bible.
@@karenFlowers-p8q you’re right. Sorry if you’ve had to experience multiple complex traumas to understand these comparisons. But you are completely correct!
I have to say, as a person is is very hostile towards Christianity because of childhood trauma, you as a pastor is not like most Christians I've met. You are knowledgeable. You understand human psychology better than most pastors. You display humility and true love and understanding. ❤❤❤ thank you. Even though I don't believe in God, you display the ki d of love that most people claim is "Godly".
I love your series, especially towards the end of each episode when you bring characters from the Bible into your teachings. We are all broken and I thank God for His guidance and for inspiring others to help us also. Thank you!
I see my parents in some of these descriptions but most importantly I see myself in some and that's the only aspect that I can change. Myself. My parenting.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Depression, PTSD, AuDHD and in the process of getting diagnosed with Williams Syndrome. I have the Destroyer self-critic and it’s honestly unbearable sometimes. I always surrounded myself with mentally ill people because they feel comfortable and familiar. Now I have a boyfriend who is perfectly healthy, had a happy childhood and recently inner critics came up in conversation and he told me his inner voice is kind. I almost cried..
curious why u almost cried. . thought experiment...and i just noticed you dont use posseive "my self-critic" because i was gonna reword it to "my self-critic has been historicially desctructive"... the goal : taking the "is" out . the solidity. before the 'clay' was kiln fired. hardend... into "Destroyer". opening up potential for change and if im making sense. this hopefully shows how these "word puzzles" could be a tool... the activity is the same as in head but the paper dont fight back... even changin 1 word ...hungry instead of starving is is a good example
On the flipside of all of this, you were somehow a match to him energetically so that likely means you've done shittonnes of healing and worked hard on yourself! Kudos to you!
When I was younger I had to care for my sisters children, my little sister and my mom. I took care of everything. I wasn't allowed to voice my thoughts. I wasn't allowed to say this is too hard. It's too much for me. Anything I said to be heard was quickly snuffed out. I was told I was ungrateful, a bad child, I was to be obedient. Seen and not heard. If I didn't obey and needed help one day they would abandon me. The only reason I was born was to serve.
I have felt like Cinderella my whole life except for not having a protective fairy nor a Prince. I just meet big babies but, of course, they never showed up like that. They revealed once they have me hooked. Never wanted babies because I had to take care of my younger sister and always blamed for their misdeeds. I was a mother and a maid before becoming a woman. I can't trust neither men nor women.
I married someone who also let me know not to have needs. Guess that was all I knew. The marriage did not last. I see that I still worry about being "needy" and don't think this will ever go away.
I am from an orphanage but my adoptive family had a lot of conflict and issues. I identify with a lot of this. Therapist helped though this information is very good. Thanks for this upload!
Boy is this triggering. This is like therapy, one video to be digested for a long time. Tim Fletcher, thank you so much for these videos. Your overwhelming well of knowledge and empathy is priceless. You do inspire me to do more for others. God bless you ❤.
Someone told me that I'm a "people pleaser" the other day and I've been thinking about it ever since. I don't know what caused this video to be suggested to me, but damn it hits home.
I see Tim and his talks as the parts of self compassion being discovered and drawn closer together. Hopefully one day soon we will be able to feel some compassion for the child in us that had to endure and survive. In a way we have to see, hear, feel, accept and love that inner child in the same way that we would hopefully do if we saw a child go through the same things today and Infront of us. What would you do if you saw a child in distress, sad, angry, lonely and so on?
I'm so good at picking up on others' needs and emotions. I'm quick to give others what I felt I never received and desired or needed. I can't seem to allow myself the same compassion though.
I was so deeply into this pattern of trying to do things perfectly and meeting everyone's needs while having no needs of my own, I ended up nearly dying from rare heart condition. After my health was compromised and I was disabled I was left penniless and alone while the people I loved and trusted the most were smearing me. No one helped me because no one knew what was actually happening. It was awful and illuminating.
oh damn... 18 characteristics and ALL of them match me pretty good... :/ Edit. 18 characteristics of parents also match very well, but the strong one is no. 12 "Expected you to learn something the first time and do it perfectly" oh yeah when i think about it in that moment i feel like it was in my bloody childhood all the time (oh actually it is still present when i would do something in presence of that narcisistic father), it was so strong, and it cause so much damage i can't even start doing anything new i want or i would like to do, when i try to learn new skills i got kinda stuck after very short time(sometimes i even got stuck in my mind before i start doing it, i just think oh yeah would be nice to do it or learn this or that but nah its nor for me, i cant learn it, it wont work for me...), because when i see what professionals can do and what i did after my firsts tries i feel resigned, that im bad, worse, and never achieve anything in that thing
That's why everyone says you have to develop love of self, and then all the world can be your support! A good relationship with yourself can be enough, i believe.
I am not afraid of being a burden, I was TOLD countless times that I indeed was a burden by my parents and my husband. I was a burden even though I was raising our child almost singlehandedly. When I was asking for help (!) with our child, I was asked if I got bored of motherhood. I can now see a pattern of me getting in position so others have to help me. I hope this awerness will help me to get out of those unhealthy situations and relationships.
I extremely appreciate your videos, the Lord bless you abundantly! Praying for you and your family!! Every single word was amazing, the last part talking about Joseph, so much was similar to my life
I was raised to believe that everyone else's needs must be met before my own, but to ask for anything myself was selfish and greedy. The family that I abandoned to reclaim my sanity still tries to contact me, but at this point late in my life, I'm too busy making up for lost time. My life is pretty incredible now. I am alone, and maybe too psychologically damaged to be lonely. I do not expect to ever have a safe, loving relationship with a man. I do think about it, but I firmly believe that safe, healthy relationships only happen in fantasy novels, which is why they're called fantasy novels.
If you move beyond your fear, love will find you. Stay honest and you'll attract authenticity. The pressures to be in a loving relationship need not apply. Friendship is a place to begin. Either way, you're not too damaged to be loved.
@Pam yes, I had that question bubbling up as he spoke. I ask “Tim, how do you know or recognize who is safe?” It surely depends on whether they understand deeply traumatized people and can validate, guide, encourage, soothe and shine the light of healing on their soul. But that would have to be a super human….it would be supra human…..that would be Creation, God!! No rejection there. I see how unshakeable faith develops - the belief in an unconditionally loving God. To your point Pam, I haven’t found a safe person on my road to recovery because in my aura are deep needs that attract people who, after a short while reject, abandon, disrespect, abuse me…..it seems like a never-ending cycle/circle. I wish you healing & all the best 💕
@@AllIn1Studio hey thanks for your reply..its so helpful to know another person has experienced a similar thing..no contact has helped me alot and yes praying to God but once you leave the cave its like they are waiting to attack..but they do it in such a subtle way you dont see it comming then its back to the drawing board..people have learned to manipulate empathic people and use it For their own advantage..this is now a worldl wide problem..but at some point A bigger bully will get the smaller ones Then there might be a change..but not until they become targets themselves What can we do?..walk the narrow path and let God take us to safety Our Father gave us the Councillor The Holy Spirit which is the spirit of Truth ..cuz once you see it you CANT Unsee it..Good Luck to you my friend Your words help those that need to hear them..peace..BOSTON
I hesitated to click on this because I can’t believe my parents were narcissistic in any way - but then I kept listening and he mentioned every single scenario I lived and continue to live in. I had a suicidal mother whom I was always afraid would disappear or kill herself - I did everything in my power to keep her happy so I never allowed myself to have any needs. My dad was a workaholic who coped with my mother’s depression and suicidal ideation by staying away.
I really appreciate and, for what’s worth, I agree with the theory of trauma explained. I puzzled about the connection with Christianity: a culture which hinges on making people feel wrong and guilty, which perpetrated abuse of power and protected the abusers from the law. I’m Italian and I’ve seen the extensive damage made by Catholics within my family and in the broader society. Catholics need to traumatize children in order to have adults seeking a safe person or entity to turn to. The Bible keeps swinging between atrocities and beatitudes, impossible to reconcile unless you give up your common sense, I.e. unless you turn yourself into a sheep, for the happiness of you pastor. Toxic parents have been often subject of psychological violence by the church: this is what I witnessed.
My heart fills with joy when I see two people with such common sense discussing for millions to see on what is basically mass hysteria at this point. Thank you TCN ‼️
I was raised by a single mother after living with my grandparents until I was 9 yrs old. after I wasn't cute anymore and started to question her she lost interest and I was left to raise myself. I got food and shelter but that was about it. I moved out at 17 and she was off the hook. it has taken me a long time to realized that this emotional neglect, abandonment and checking out as a parent is now at the core of my mental health issues ive been struggling with my whole life. maybe I never really bonded with her? I have a few memories of us connecting deeply when I was a child but not many. I was always a kind of burden that was in her way of living HER life. so yeah, now I find it really hard to get close to anyone. im pretty isolated and indulge heavily with the arts, they've been there for me since I was young.
Thank you. ❤ wow. I needed this. Going to watch the rest of the series. I’m working with the help of Yeshua to end generational trauma. And it’s so hard. But with God all things are possible.
Thank you for making these videos to help all of us heal.and understand and therefore helping to stop the unhealthy cycles and evolve Making and contributing and serving your community instead of .......
I had my closest friend recently tell me that she needed a break from talking to me and it triggered feeling like a burden. I know it comes from my childhood. My mother was a narcissist. I can't seem to forgive this friend. I understand that she needed alone time but I cannot get rid of the feeling of being a burden. I'm not sure I want to forgive her.
Also had a friend say this to me .. when I was in need she told me she had her own needs she was dealing with .. it hurt .. but now I see and respect her for this .. when we are sinking we can cling to others who might also be drowning .. and they simply cannot be there for us .. if it’s repetitive that people can’t be there for us .. that’s a friendship to let go of ☮️
I also think when we have gone through trauma we can sometimes also overshare and dump all our problems on one person and it can become an incessant loop . It’s a hard one, finding the balance . We need to share but it’s also hard if someone is only hearing about problems too . My twin-sister soMetiems lets me know this compassionately . I’m sure your friend cares .. perhaps she was just letting you kindly knkw she didn’t have any more capacity .
All I attract are NPD so thanks , but I’ll continue to stay alone until I can see there are no more NPD ! We all can be selfish especially when we want space and tranquility- But I think the best thing is to get rid of NPD completely because they WANT ALL THE ATTENTION!!!! You need a little , but they need an insurmountable AMOUNT that never ends !!!
Tim whenever i watch one of your video it is just like you describe my messy self . i don't know hiw you managed to put all those things together so clearly. it's like you read in me as an open in book 😅
I can’t even make it through this, it’s so painful. I feel both the hurt of how my parents fell short… and the pain of realizing how many of these same things I’ve done to my own children because I didn’t know how damaging it was.
Well, it's probably healing to tell your own children that you messed up sometimes. The thing is Narcissists do not apologize for anything ever. My mother hates me. My older brother committed su*cide.
regarding needs, one thing I learned when you let people help you, give you advice or something, you actually give them the opportunity to prove to themselves how amazing THEY can be. so its not just you taking, its you taking and giving. people like to feel important and capable, and look as someone helping you as you giving them opportunity to shine! this mindset helped me accept and grow, while letting other people also grow.
So many of these, nearly all, characteristics applies to my parent and it sickens me to my core because when I try to talk them about it I’m gaslighted. I’ve made the conscious decision to remove them from my life and not allow that poison behavior around my child.
2 місяці тому
I experienced neglect which included medical neglect. I almost died from sepsis when I was 9 if it wasn't for the intervention of my pediatrician. I complained for months i was in pain. I developed a fever and my finger where an infection festered began to turn green and smell. None of my teachers or coaches noticed. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance, given medication that caused such pain. They refused to stay with me and asked their co workers to visit me instead of them. Baffling. As punishment for being sick, my parents removed me from the sport. I survived and lost the nail on that finger.
The "Signs that you have an issue" are things my mother actually told me when I was growing up!! Holy Cow, no wonder I am terrified to ask for help 😞. If I ever asked for help from my family they not only refused, they punished me by cutting me out of the family all together. I once even managed to find a psychologist who treated me the same way. It's amazing what the power of beliefs can create in our lives.
Yeah. PA Dutch culture outright tells you that’s how to be a “good” person. Always work, never need, and if you need anything you need to work more, and if you can’t work, that just means you’re weak and need to work more so you can work more.
Did you understand that the main point is not dismissing your child? This doesn't mean satisfying their every whim. When your child or any other relationship comes to you to share something a problem they are having it doesn't mean you have to solve it. Just listen and don't dismiss and if you can help them do it. But don't dismiss someone because you are tired of being a parent. Being a parent is a lifetime job. Not till kids are 20 or until they find a job.
I was born to a codependant military covert narc dad and a codependant akcoholic milignant narx so cqlled mom evsryrhing this man is saying has happened to me i lived to the other side and healing. I got a whole lot from this
I’m legitimately afraid of how accurately the first 8 minutes of this video described my life. And even more so afraid of how he then proceeded to follow up with NUMEROUS things that described my mom growing up…
I said yes to all of your questions on the quiz, but I do these things out of consideration. My father was away working and my mother was so busy with the kids that one more thing would stress her out. There were six of us. They did their best, but yes, inadvertently I ended up feeling like I can't ask for help. So what you're saying is, asking for help actually helps you connect with others.
The guy who made this video has a list of services he is selling. I'm guessing this business model is how he pays his bills. So of course he wants people to "ask for help" what he means is he is looking for vulerable people who are damaged and some of these damaged people will have money and they will hand over their money to him. For once I'd like to see actual help for people who are troubled. There is something sinister about those who turn abuse into a business. I'm tired of these types of introductory videos, UA-cam has lots of them. It's a scam. I've probably watched 20 or 30 videos like this and has my life changed, well I would say NO. There are only two things that I know of that cures narcissism in relationships 1) GET MONEY for yourself and 2) GET away from the narcissist. That is it. Get money in your own bank account so you can get away from the family of origin or abusive spouse. What he is saying is this video is an advertisement for his projects which he wants people to give money to. He has websites and there are CARTS on the websites so you can send him money. It is a very evil scam from my point of view. The help he is talking about is not free. The truth is people must help themselves because there is no help coming from anywhere in this world. This world is about creating schemes and businesses and the only way to win in this world is to get money flowing to you, lots of it. Money is the answer. With money you can do anything. Without money nobody cares about you. Look at the homeless for example, they are despised, they are A BURDEN to society, they are exactly the thing this guy in this video claims people are not. The elderly if they are poor are a BURDEN, the elderly if they are rich are a resource to be used by others to get money.... Money is the only thing in life that makes a person relevant. Do therapists work for free... no they don't... do they get paid no matter what the outcome of the therapy sessions are... yes they get money if they help or not. I've seen maybe 3-5 therapists when I was younger and here I am watching this stupid UA-cam video. Needless to say the therapy didn't help me but at least the therapist could pay her bills. What doesn't help is years and years and years of learning about narcissism caused abuse. These videos do not help. These videos are meant to funnel people towards his business it's just his advertisement mechanism.
I started crying after the 18th. I have c-ptsd with dissasociation with amnesia and multiple personality disorder.my dad took a crow bar after me, into the restaurant where I worked, I was sitting having tea with gus the manager and dad came in an slammed that table and 1half inch away from my nose. And said I'll be sitting out there waiting for you. , I went there for help cause I worked there and we got a plan made. I went to a safe house and yheother ones went on a high speed chase with the cops chasing them. 157 miles an hr they were going and he tried to crunch into them so they stopped. My dad went yanked that door open, grabbed Cindy my girlfriend, and was ready to pound on her with the crow bar but the guys wouldn't let go of her legs to keep her in, by then the cops were there., but I called on my friends and we made a plan to get me to a safe place. I thank those people, I would be dead at 14yrs old. He said I'll get u before yr 18. And I was visiting my brother . Thank you! I found this channel , and I subbed and shared. ❤ ✌ 🌞
when he talks about these things he lists them by say or, with me he should be saying and because they all apply to me so much that im sobbing because finally someone can see me.
This is amazing im i know im walking in my purpose and personal foals and i feel fuilty for it i was born to both narc parents and whole fanilu system i was the scapegoat i went no contact 2 yrs ago and healing
Regarding why we do not ask help…I would add another reason, and that is when you ask the help, then people ask you to help in return with something, that is too much and you don’t want to disappoint them with saying “no”. Plus I personally do not want to have a feeling like I owe something. What’s the trauma behind that?
I didn’t listen yet but I grew up in a home where there was no love or nurture. We were looked at as work. My parents sacrificed a lot to give us what we wanted (material stuff) but never what we needed. Now I find it so hard to meet my children’s needs. I’m very dysfunctional and selfish. I’m very aware of my toxic behavior but find it hard to cope with day to day life sometimes. I believe I also have undiagnosed ASD or ADHD. Easy tasks are very complex to me and I’m emotionally immature. My children deserve so much better. My almost 18 year old daughter (had her at 19) says they couldn’t have picked a better mom. I think she says that to make me feel better. I wish I had more help.
It has helped me to study EIP: emotionally immature parents. I understand my own childhood beliefs and also understand what I passed on to my children, thus to my grandchildren.
@@elizabethbrauer1118 I’m sad for your issues also. The whole of mankind is basically abused in one way or the other but not like we were abused. I know some of what was done to me but not all is ready memory but contained in my other selves. I can tell when the full memories are close to surface certain self states will take the body to direct and do why they were made they protect me from knowing. Some integration and it is wonderful so far but other info they hold so can’t integrate so easy. My original abusers still try and actually do harm from 60 miles away. I’m happy in general but intermittent crashes. Do you know before you disassociated self?
Everytime I was sick my mom was magically sick. From I was a toddler to now (23 years old). So if anyone (family, her work friends) called asking how I am, she’d divert the attention to how she’s more sick and how taking care of me made her more stressed because I was sick and no one was there to take care of her. Mind you she would only emote/show symptoms the moment they’d ask about me/I’d cry in pain/ask for pain management so it was pretty obvious of her faking it. It was like the scene in Midsommar when Dani was crying and all the women gathered around her and started crying to brainwash her..
Yay!!! I'm a victim😂😂😂 Thought I had it all figured out... Back to the drawing board. Life is a ruthless cycle. Live it right and you'll welcome death. Nap time will be glorious! Great video.
What a fantastic comment! “Life is a ruthless cycle. Live it right and you’ll welcome death” Wonderful, such a great, humane, sentiment! May we all live life to the fullest and welcome our glorious nap at the end.
I remember my mom just absolutely screaming at me at the top of her lungs because I woke her up in the morning once (the first time I remember it happening), I wasnt more than 3-4 years old... and that was just the beginning of a whole lot of bad memories
This conference has been therapeutic like nothing else has been for me
I was so neglected by my narcissistic parents and became necessarily so self-sufficient from such a young age that it truly amazes me that I even survived! Hugs to all my fellow survivors 🤗
Same.
And it turns out, hyper-independence is a red flag and causes problems in relationships. :(
@@TruthOnly24 that’s true. Thanks for pointing that out. Helps me to be thankful.
Hugs! 💕
I can relate.. my childhood was similar.. mum passed away giving birth.. dad left me with his mother and widowed sister and went away remarried.. my aunt abused me verbally physically emotionally everyday a peaceful day was happiness.. I used to wake up fearing what's it gonna be today... My family was heavily religious.. church every Sunday without fail Bible study etc., But no kindness inside home... I was a maid mostly.. my education was stopped on and off... Before the night of my public exam there was major fight episode at home I cried all night hardly slept and by god's grace passed my exam.. my grandmother passed away at my 19yrsvand i was sent out of home... I became an orphan overnight..😢.. I was homeless slept in chairs in railway station and bus stations found a job stayed in hostel built myself from nothing.. ended up marrying a narcissist..😂 the cycle continued and I broke it.. homeless with a kid... Again I built myself up for my kid's sake and am a lawyer now.. working on securing financial stability for my kid.. educating her on this toxic relationships hope she has a good life.. as lon as am alive am gonna make sure she becomes a decent human being.
@@TruthOnly24hi, i was one. Made it out but battling demons.
Anyone else laughing bitterly when he reads off the long “maybe this happened in your childhood. Or maybe THIS!” ..... and each and every one on the list applies to you 😓😓😓
🙋♀️
Here. 💯💥
It’s like: “ STOP READING THAT LIST!”
Yup. 💯
i dont think its funny no
My wife and I have just started researching this. At first her therapist thought it was BPD or covert Narc tendencies but they don't really line up. Her family history looks and smells exactly like complex trains and I'm so happy I found this channel. Everyone else has told me to run. I do not and will not run. If we can figure out what's happening together, it will be for no lack of trying. I love her and don't want to abandon her like every single person in her life, including her family. I'm hoping we can learn to work through this together. It's hard when someone believes things that never happened. Has to watch a video of what was said before accepting reality. It's hard never knowing from one day to the next what to expect. She's an amazing person. When things are good, they are so good. Just need to get past the "triggers" that set her back in a mindset she's still with her abusive family or abusive ex.Thanks for the great content!!!
What kind of things would she think did ir didn't happen? Like would it be everyday things (I just cleaned that or was just holding my keys but they are gone) or human interactions like who said what and or the other person's intent? Does paranoid thinking affect her? Does she remember her childhood very well? I gave hundreds of questions and I apologize it's just that I am struggling to help myself so I can be a good mom to my 6 and 4 year old girls. I unfortunately fit into almost every category of this lecture as the child AND the parent. Which breaks my heart. I have been on this journey for awhile and bpd was where I truly felt I belonged until cptsd came along a few months ago.any insight would be helpful. Thank you and thank you for not running.
you'll leave her eventually & break her heart
@@tracycarter541 I'm so sorry I missed your comment! Thank you so much and please don't worry about the questions, I'll try to answer them the best I can. The thing she tends to do, is react negatively to something I said. It's almost always a verbal trigger. The strange part is, there might not be anything obvious. The first example we were lucky enough to have was an interaction of us getting home from some work we were doing, and the ring cam captured our conversation. She was . grabbing some things in the truck, I had already taken an armful of stuff into the house and came back out to grab whatever was left. I walked up to the truck and just asked her a normal question in a very friendly tone "hey honey, can I help grab anything?" It was a perfectly friendly question since she was still inside the truck getting her things together. She responded in a way that didn't make sense at all, like I just insulted her or something. When we both came inside, I could see she was upset and asked her if everything was alright. She said no and swore I had just come outside and ripped her head off about something (I don't remember what she thought I said, but she was adamant I did it). Things escalated with her so fast it scared me. I knew what she was saying didn't just happen, so I said I wish I had a body cam. We both remembered the ring cam on the front porch and realized it may have recorded us. She was just as excited to play the video as I was and couldn't wait to prove me wrong. Then she saw and heard me asking to help out nicely, and absolutely nothing she had in her head or anything rude or mean had happened. It blew her mind. She would have sworn on anything what she said really happened. To her it was as real as the phone I'm typing on now. What's worse, is she said her family and her ex used to try to make her feel crazy by changing words around or what was said.
After that happened , I started to tell her I was going to record our conversations if she starts feeling upset and showing certain signs I had noticed. She even gets a different look on her face when things get bad. Time and time again, I'd play it back for her the next day (the next day it was always like nothing happened for her, no matter how ugly things got) and we finally realized a pattern . A simple question asking if she needed help could trigger her to feel like she wasn't capable or not good enough. A simple question could trigger trust issues. Or any number of negative emotions stemming from her past relationship and childhood.
She feels the need to be perfect in everything all the time. Has trouble laughing at silly things we all do and is in need of validation all the time. We've tried 3 therapists since I posted here and the last one really helped but by total accident. She said she really liked this one and wanted me to sit in on a zoom call. I did and was horrified. The doctor (a female) wasn't just blasting her, but women in general. It gave her an out not to put the blame on herself, but on the fact she's a woman. After the call, I said I'm not a doctor but I don't think that's healthy at all. She's planting these ideas that basically women are all unstable crazy messed up people and that everything bad that's happened to her is her fault, but not by choice. So I asked her if being a woman is why her brother is in jail for murder, or why her dad went to jail for child x or why her ex cheated and tried to kill her, then got caught with a dude (he's gay now) or why her mother and sister won't talk to her because she left the religious cult they were in? Or that this therapist that bashed women for an hour then asked you for $2,800 upfront for a ten week self study course, then said it's not a lot of money if you really want to fix this? (Scam) which started a huge blow up because she said not just handing over the money meant I liked to see her like this and didn't want to fix anything.
So I just promised to work with her, be patient and when she goes off on me, leave the room and not engage. I keep my distance the rest of the day sometimes and sure enough, the next morning things are fine. Incredibly things have gotten a LOT better between us. The episodes are less and less frequent now, maybe one every 10 days to two weeks.
I'm sorry I don't have any real answers for you and for rambling so much. It's hard to compress almost 2 years of unbelievable struggles into a comment lol. Are things getting any better on your end?
@@peanut1001x Considering things have been getting better for the past 6 months, I respectfully disagree.
The fear of "being a burden", "burdening others" or how sick it makes me feel to even consider asking for or accepting help is a thought and feeling that crosses my mind multiple times every single day.
Get called narcissist every day by my ex wife and daughter, they made me this person!!
@@JGalegriaare you being intentionally obtuse?
Practice! Getting healthy takes a lot of time and practice. It’s a life-long full-time job. One of my mantras is from Dr. Wayne Dyer and he said… ‘I’m better than I used to be!’
. I'm sorry friend, but research tells us that the seeds of narcissism are planted in childhood. When you are ready to learn, I suggest you explore this possibility.
@@krmccarrell
You do understand that real, full-blown narcissistic personality disorder people do not
recognize other people _as people,_ who have their own needs, correct?
For a real narcissist, other people are exactly like non-player characters in a video game, including their spouse and kids.
When even a ride home from school is too much to ask for as an eight year-old child, clean clothes, necessary medical care ect....well, just the bare minimum as an adult seems good enough. We, the unloved children, grow up to be adults that settle for much less than our birthright and potential. We are the perpetual under-achievers.
You are so right. Spot on.
Very true
💯😑
If this happened to you😢. My heart cries with you 😮❤.
Vary very TRUE.But we have to recover and Flourish!!s Is our
responsibility to be free and happy!! Best wishes to all.
I remember my mother asking me every time I cried or needed anything, "what do you want from me?" She was so annoyed or angry with me anytime I needed her, that I stopped bothering her. Then she got mad at me when I grew up and moved away and didnt keep in touch with her as often as she wanted. I couldnt win with her.
Same for me 😢
Same. I moved back in with mine and its hell
forget her
@Fvillegages get out & never contact her again. every minute you waste with her you're wasting precious time.
Traits that predict and cause illness:
1. Automatic concern for other people's (emotional) needs above your own
2. A rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility
3. Repressed (and/or suppressed) emotions
4. (Self-limiting) beliefs
5. Responsibility for other people's emotions
6. "I must NEVER disappoint ANYONE..."
So,
when there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose parts of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
I NO LONGER
HAVE MY VOICE SILENCED.
I ROAR!!!
‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼
7) poverty/no resources/no way to improve one's fiancial class ... because money can buy a person out of their problems, money is the shovel that digs a person out of hell.
Outstanding! Beautiful to see!
@@emmalouie1663 Emma, money can help sooth things in the short term but it really isn't the answer. I myself have decided to go back to basics, for example appreciation of nature, the simple things I enjoyed as a kid. I've had money and been in good positions to live a good material life but that's not me. I spent all I had trying to fix other people and not looking after myself, so it's now my turn to go back and concentrate on me. I don't know if this is making sense to you but I wish you well and I hope you find your peace and happiness. Best wishes. 🙂
Where has this video been all my life?!!!
My childhood home had so much dysfunction that I couldn’t bring myself to have kids. I didn’t think I had the tools to not mess them up. I’ve felt damaged and shame all my life.😖
Thank u, thank u, thank YOU!❤
I was so scared of becoming the same as my Father ( abusive verbally and physically since I and my brother was 3 ) , walking on eggshells every day, wanting to escape but couldn’t etc I put off having a child with every excuse to my wife. When a beautiful boy was unexpectedly born when I was 38 , I was so loving . But , I had this haunting feeling because of stress. I decided to divorce my wife and let her have full access when he was 2 ( so it was not too late).Her family is so supportive. I wanted to give him a good life away from me. I moved to another country . I stay in touch and visited him for many years and gave him love and care. But I wanted to ‘ spare him ‘ from me on a daily basis. My brother committed suicide at 41. My father ruined my life . He affected my personality, character, social life, career . I’m now 64 and still have panic attacks. I’ve never taken drugs. But sleeping pills numb .
Same
But, believe me you are an amazing soul. Because, you never wanted to pass on this immense pain and agony to your children, I would like to congratulate you for doing and amazing favour to yourself, your future kids and to this world. Wish you all the best with all the love and care for you from bottom of my heart ❤🎉💋..
This is exactly my story. I've never had anyone in my circle of friends who could relate to this feeling. Reading your comment is precious (and also bringing a lot of emotion...) ❤
Me too Julia
All of this applies to me. I had to keep my parents from killing each other. I remember the violent fights when I was three years old and I was afraid I was going to die. I was an only child and it never got better until I went off to college. I still suffer from mental health issues and isolate. I never ask for help because there is always a price to pay and I regret asking. ❤️ I wish the best to all who had to face these fears
Please try EMDR and/or neurofeedback treatments….both helped my scapegoated husband who was emotionally/psychologically/physically abused for years….you deserve to heal and be happy ☺️🌼🌼
Blessings to you, and thank you.💜
I feel this
This is my life as well. But you know what? At 68 now, I HAVE to ask for help! I am going to take it very slow and thoughtfully.
Jesus... I'm sorry that happened to you.
Needs in my childhood home were seen as being selfish and ungrateful. Other people have it worse.
the problem with that thought process for me was always "at what point is it bad enough for you to care?" and the answer turned out to be "never" and that's when I realized they just don't give a shit
To quote 'other people have it worse', is irrelevant and invalidating. It really pisses me off when people say this, of course other people may have it worse, but it doesn't mean that you are not suffering. It's a cop out. It's not a competition, there is no scale of pain/suffering, if it affects us, that's reality.
same lol
It makes sense; even in "lucky" situations when the parents do their best to provide all the basic stuff for their kid (spending their hard earned money to keep them safe, fed, dressed, clean & healthy), when the child voices extra needs & wants, that may be perceived as you say - ungrateful, bratty, selfish, spoiled kid behavior. Providing goods & care happens at one level, cultivating child's autonomy & individuality at another.
I need shoes 👟 _ be grateful u have 🐾 feet. Okay Mommy dearest
The "you never want to be too much for people because youre afraid they'll abandon you". I have CPTSD and chronic fatigue from being so self sufficient. I was horrifically afraid of being a burden and therefore neber asked for help. Now Im sick and its still hard to ask my husband.
💜 same here!
One thing for thought consideration.
You can know what happened to make you the way you are, but asking for help from your spouse is a moment of vulnerability that you trust they will help to look after you. To not ask is saying you think they are not capable. The only thing you need is to acknowledge their help and allow that they will do it their way which may not be perfect or what you completely wanted. Hopefully with some give and take a balance will be reached where the mountain of must do tasks are Re-distributed in a way that works for all.
I have to say, UA-cam videos have been really good at showing all of us one thing if nothing else: none of us are alone. I don't know how many times I've had the myth of "and I thought I was the only one" obliterated right before my own eyes in just the past few months. What a mess! Heartbreaking to see so many suffering from trauma as children. Only silver lining to this that I've found so far is the community that has spawned as a result of people wanting to be free of this and help others to do the same. I've found that just having a vocabulary which helps express all of this has freed me up quite a bit to better comprehend my own traumas and let them go. Truth will set you free, but it'll usually piss you off really good first.
Yes! The truth is initially totally retraumatising as it breaks!
Yeah, its not me after all.
Perfectly said.
God is so good! This content is priceless! Thank You! Radical acceptance of what truly happened and why we act and do what we do!
Holy moly...learning about this now, being middle aged... well, better to be at the party late versus never showing up lol. Still alive, there are always opportunities to grow. Thank you for putting information out here for us!
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Totally agree. I just found this. Very helpful for myself as my kids. Definitely will be watching all videos.
“I shouldn’t help you if you’re lazy or procrastinating.”
That’s why I don’t ask for help. I’m afraid of being judged.
Was just about to comment about this. You’re absolutely spot on. He’s miscommunicating. Massive weak spot in his bedside manner and tact and frankly skill. He at the very least, he should have qualified making those observations of procrastination or manipulation as a way to adjust or guide his relationship to that client or patient. This is indeed a very common element of current broken paternalistic authoritarian severe outdated Canadian culture. Obviously to be stable in life laziness and procrastination isn’t helpful, but often IS ITSELF the result of complex trauma.. the paralyzing fear / incapacity of doing anything on their own..
🙌
Same here
Me, too.
Beingvraised to ignore my needs and never be a burden is also a burden as a parent because when youre kids ask for help, you unknowingly pass all this down to them.."oh, let me tell you how hard i had it". This also produces more shame and guilt for the poor job i did as a parent. We are not burdens and they are not burdens.
And now I'm a textbook Dismissive avoidant who can't even stand others. I'm hyper independent and get very suspicious of other people's help. I constantly question what's their motive. They have to be after something
Me too....im practically a narcissist...except I have BIG feelings. I avoid people to avoid feeling.
Maybe I'm a schizoid 😂
You hit the nail on the head about how Western culture creates these problems. The indigenous children I live with are still raised by extended family in a village they don't want to leave unless necessary for economic survival. This is in the Andes of Ecuador. Every day I am impressed by the relative self-confidence, cooperation, courtesy and calmness of the children, teens and adults. I always can tell when a child was raised by parents alone in a city or another country. Those kids are whiney, clingy, demanding, territorial, interrupt and have tantrums. If I happen to ask, indeed I will be told that this child was not raised in the village with their extended family. They were raised more in alignment with our Western values and nuclear family system.
This is what happened when his people were fleeced, beaten, raped and abused, separated from their lands and their lives with one of the most brutal genocides in history perpetrated by the British colonizers.
Drugs, alcohol, violence...COMPLEX TRAUMA
It is more than studied.
Ahhhh
This man speaks the truth.
Very insightful.
I never learned to make my needd known therefore i never learn to ask for help.I grew up in poverty and alcohoism so learned to be self sufficient, unseen and unheard.In my marriage i carried my fears alone but i ended up with major depression and alcoholism.I tried sobriety without a support sysfem in place and had no one when my husband died i returned to alcohol briefly after 16 years of sobriety.My 2nd marriage was to a narcissist who literally exhausted me like a 2 year old child.It was not a healthy relationship..I tried to end my life but thank god i didn't succeed.Now i find out about CPSTD and it make sense.
@Helen so sorry that narc saw you coming a mile away. Thank God you got out
Be strong 😍
Keep healing....you are so worth it...I wish you all the best...
Addiction is the result of repetition compulsion attempting to work out trauma ineffectively. Problem drinking/drug abuse is effective while under the influence, but the failure loop that leads substance abuse to addiction is because it wears off. This is the same mechanism that drives serial killing in most cases (sublimated rage toward the mother that doesn’t establish safety because it doesn’t eliminate it’s object). Pay attention next time some kid shoots up his whole family… If he gets the mother he usually calls the popo himself and surrenders calmly, even politely.
AA is a functional workaround for narcissism. Moral inventory accountability and self examination for people who don’t do that otherwise. I’m not shaming you I had 30 years in and out with 6 1/2 as the longest stretch until I even realized my trauma-which narcissists of course seal off and just need help living in polite society (and will stop drinking if they have a steady stream of “newcomers” upon whom to prey and next to whom to feel superior). Getting squirrelly without meetings is jonesIng for supply. The concept of terminal uniqueness and “I had to stop playing God - - who the fuck ever heard or ever thought like that but I was told “fake it till you make it“ which was a very unnatural sounding thing but of course is perfectly natural to a narcissist.
Anyway what I’m saying is we all have some of it in us and maybe before calling your ex a narcissist or feeling superior to the person who keeps getting six months and relapsing (probably because they don’t need narcissism anonymous but need to get the goddamn narcissists who are still extracting marrow out of their lives) give a bit of thought to what kind of group can’t acknowledge it’s leadership (paraphrased) “lest problems of property or prestige divert [us] from [our] primary purpose”.
It's really amazing how he can make sense out of things we normalized or at least thought/think were/are fairly "normal" thanks to our upbringing. I always feel like Tim "gets me" in a way that so many others never have- including myself. 🙁
I became self-sufficient in my mid-teens bc I was sick of my parents and others holding anything they ever did for me over my head. Even if it came to buying deodorant, shampoo, basic necessities or something I would pay for it. If I bought something for my parents when they asked (or not) - always being the daughter that thought I could buy or earn their love in hope of even have them "like me", I wouldn't accept their money. They, on the other hand, expected me to pay them back- with tax, to the penny. Prior to me independently buying my own necessities and beyond, my mom would write the price on a tube of toothpaste or anything she happened to buy whether I asked for it or not with black Sharpie marker so I would know what she did for me and that I owed her $_____. It was helpful in learning how much things cost and prepared me for 'the real world', but the reason behind it was more out of spite than educating.
To this day, people who know me will often comment "I know you don't like gifts/ help/ people doing stuff for you, but will you please at least allow me to do_____?" I get a sickening/ anxious physical reaction any time someone wants to do XYZ. I've tried practicing allowing help or whatever, but always find myself defaulting to my typical mindset because it's an unbearable idea or one I ruminate about and can't move past until I've "repaid them". Birthdays and holidays are dreadful. I love to give and do what I can for others, but receiving/ accepting gives me tremendous anxiety. I always say "do something for me by not doing anything for me and that will make me feel good." My therapist helped give me the perspective that I was essentially depriving others of the same joy I find and cherish in helping others if I don't allow them the opportunity to help me somehow. Sorry for the novel.
❤❤❤
God bless you, Tim Fletcher!
These characteristics are like layers of my persona or pages in my book, just being aware of them is helpful
If I may add a more subtle one to the list - a family situation where the children get overnourished, overprotected, over-cared for, but otherwise the environment is pretty cramping, so they become accustomed to sit passively on the receiving side.
They are taught high, noble human & moral values to the detriment of authenticity and so they become overly-polite and overly-grateful for all the care, love and attention they receive, however they don't dare to ask for anything more (if anything, out of politeness they refuse some of the goods they are being offered). Everything they receive is wonderful and can't help but feeling grateful, even if it's not necessarily something they wished for (but hey - it's still very nice and is rightly perceived as valuable) and in time their own needs and wants atrophy and wither after having been repeatedly overlooked.
So in adult life the difficulty is not being in tune with their own needs, not knowing what they want, not knowing that they can ask for what they want, but unconsciously continuing to expect to receive everything, which of course doesn't happen any more (without a clear reason, since this passive mode of operation is still unconscious), which in turn produces great anxiety.
The standard “big ‘Christian’ family” dynamic
This comment is so concise and so very spot on that I applauded after reading it. You have perfectly described my (possibly) soon- to- be ex. Mid- sixties and still being raised by his mom. Enmeshment....
I can stand behind this as the general theme of my life from as early as I can remember.
Profound & well articulated insight here!! Thank you
I can relate in similar ways. My dad especially instilled a complex abusive/spoiled dynamic in me. We had everything materially but nothing emotionally meeting our own needs and expected to be perfect. I was a free spirited child disrupting his controlled environment and crazy expectations hence getting punished severely for speaking out at injustices. I learned to not care, to shut off and indulge in what made me feel good and in not the best of ways. As the youngest I saw my much older siblings miserable, petty, overly competitive even when they were the top best performers in sports, academics, etc. I was a supposed prodigy with an opportunity to go to Julliard when I was a small child but his abuse and mistreatment of me made me not value myself. It's taken decades to heal and undo but I am much better and want to send love and encouragement to all of us comrades in finding more freedom and to fall in love with life in new ways again...
Oooh, this one really hit home. I cannot thank you enough for making these videos freely available to the public. The insights you share have been profoundly eye-opening and amazing in their timing right now in my life. I've learnt more about myself and my entire family dynamic from you than from 18 years of counselling and self-help books. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've said the pretty much the same thing. I learned and come to understand more in 30 minutes of listening to Tim than I have in 20+ years of consistent therapy, hospitalizations and being on medications.
@@JustJ-Me will it be forgotten to quick a blip thats gone wasnt able to root securely into memory
I know! It’s been life changing for me!😊
@@kristinvazquez231not for me it hasn’t. These were the beginning of a new life ❤
Very interesting talk as usual, have learnt so much from Tim. I don't rely on other ppl for anything and have always been self sufficient. For me this is normal but listening to these talks makes me realize how different I am to ppl that don't have a background of trauma.
Usually they don't know what trauma is!
Thank you for all the work you’re doing for those of us with complex trauma. I’m not religious but I find myself really enjoying the biblical stories, also.
Me too
I have read the whole Bible but it was decades ago. I remember I enjoyed Proverbs and Exclesiastes and got scared and confused with Revelations ( Apocalypse).
God is the only reason im still here. Keep reading the stories, they are about you!
Great timing for this video. I have this fear of being a burden and priding myself on being independent but learnt here that being interdependent is the answer. I realise how important it is to ask for help and get needs met and it is not a sign of weakness. Thank you for this teaching.
I can hear and acknowledge it regularly, but putting it into practice/ applying it is a whole other story for me.
Tim Fletcher is the man i wish i saw many years ago. But still today he is of great help. Thank you for your knowledge and wisdom.
So good. These talks are so healing for the world 🌎 hope it reaches everyone who needs it ❤️
I don’t know any Christian that speaks like this. With this truth, awareness, and care for the human experience. And doesn’t force their religion on you with fear mongering. I have been surrounded by Christians that believe it would be sinful to bring any of this up. The spiritual bypassing is strong and a survival technique with them. It’s also deeply conditioned in me. Modern Christianity has in itself become so abusive and neglectful of the human experience in many different sects of the religion. So I subscribe because it’s refreshing to finally hear the truth…from a Christian. But I feel reluctant and that I must be carefully discerning to receive teachings from a Christian at the same time 🥺 spiritual trauma cuts deep.
One thing I have done in regard to Christianity is to study the Gnostic Chritians. They have a fascinating perspective on Christ and most of their writings date to a time that was closer to the time Christ was alive than the actual standardized Bible.
It’s deeper than SA
@@karenFlowers-p8q you’re right. Sorry if you’ve had to experience multiple complex traumas to understand these comparisons. But you are completely correct!
I have to say, as a person is is very hostile towards Christianity because of childhood trauma, you as a pastor is not like most Christians I've met. You are knowledgeable. You understand human psychology better than most pastors. You display humility and true love and understanding. ❤❤❤ thank you. Even though I don't believe in God, you display the ki d of love that most people claim is "Godly".
I love your series, especially towards the end of each episode when you bring characters from the Bible into your teachings. We are all broken and I thank God for His guidance and for inspiring others to help us also. Thank you!
It's the other way round for me. Bible talk makes me switch a video off immediately.
I see my parents in some of these descriptions but most importantly I see myself in some and that's the only aspect that I can change. Myself. My parenting.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Depression, PTSD, AuDHD and in the process of getting diagnosed with Williams Syndrome. I have the Destroyer self-critic and it’s honestly unbearable sometimes. I always surrounded myself with mentally ill people because they feel comfortable and familiar. Now I have a boyfriend who is perfectly healthy, had a happy childhood and recently inner critics came up in conversation and he told me his inner voice is kind. I almost cried..
I’m curious how does he manage the relationship
curious why u almost cried.
. thought experiment...and i just noticed you dont use posseive "my self-critic" because i was gonna reword it to
"my self-critic has been historicially desctructive"...
the goal : taking the "is" out . the solidity. before the 'clay' was kiln fired. hardend... into "Destroyer". opening up potential for change
and if im making sense. this hopefully shows how these "word puzzles" could be a tool...
the activity is the same as in head but the paper dont fight back...
even changin 1 word ...hungry instead of starving is is a good example
On the flipside of all of this, you were somehow a match to him energetically so that likely means you've done shittonnes of healing and worked hard on yourself! Kudos to you!
As a grown man I teared up at the last two sentences. It's just unimaginable for me to have a kind inner voice.
What is Williams syndrome ?
When I was younger I had to care for my sisters children, my little sister and my mom. I took care of everything. I wasn't allowed to voice my thoughts. I wasn't allowed to say this is too hard. It's too much for me. Anything I said to be heard was quickly snuffed out. I was told I was ungrateful, a bad child, I was to be obedient. Seen and not heard. If I didn't obey and needed help one day they would abandon me. The only reason I was born was to serve.
I have felt like Cinderella my whole life except for not having a protective fairy nor a Prince. I just meet big babies but, of course, they never showed up like that. They revealed once they have me hooked. Never wanted babies because I had to take care of my younger sister and always blamed for their misdeeds. I was a mother and a maid before becoming a woman. I can't trust neither men nor women.
I hope you have freed yourself?
I married someone who also let me know not to have needs. Guess that was all I knew. The marriage did not last. I see that I still worry about being "needy" and don't think this will ever go away.
This video has come to me at the absolutely most perfect time, it was exactly what I needed to understand, thank you!
P
I am from an orphanage but my adoptive family had a lot of conflict and issues. I identify with a lot of this. Therapist helped though this information is very good. Thanks for this upload!
Boy is this triggering. This is like therapy, one video to be digested for a long time. Tim Fletcher, thank you so much for these videos. Your overwhelming well of knowledge and empathy is priceless. You do inspire me to do more for others. God bless you ❤.
Thank you Tim, I appreciate your teachings.
Well I got 18 out of 18, top of the class for being a burden. No wonder it is so hard 🤨
I got 21 out of 18...extra credit😉
This guy hits the spot again. He’s as good as Berne brown. Really he articulates everything that ptsd people go through.
My mom took me out of school to watch my 3 younger sisters. Then later I wasn't alowed to say thats what happened.
Someone told me that I'm a "people pleaser" the other day and I've been thinking about it ever since. I don't know what caused this video to be suggested to me, but damn it hits home.
I see Tim and his talks as the parts of self compassion being discovered and drawn closer together. Hopefully one day soon we will be able to feel some compassion for the child in us that had to endure and survive. In a way we have to see, hear, feel, accept and love that inner child in the same way that we would hopefully do if we saw a child go through the same things today and Infront of us. What would you do if you saw a child in distress, sad, angry, lonely and so on?
I'm so good at picking up on others' needs and emotions. I'm quick to give others what I felt I never received and desired or needed. I can't seem to allow myself the same compassion though.
I was so deeply into this pattern of trying to do things perfectly and meeting everyone's needs while having no needs of my own, I ended up nearly dying from rare heart condition. After my health was compromised and I was disabled I was left penniless and alone while the people I loved and trusted the most were smearing me. No one helped me because no one knew what was actually happening. It was awful and illuminating.
oh damn... 18 characteristics and ALL of them match me pretty good... :/
Edit. 18 characteristics of parents also match very well, but the strong one is no. 12 "Expected you to learn something the first time and do it perfectly" oh yeah when i think about it in that moment i feel like it was in my bloody childhood all the time (oh actually it is still present when i would do something in presence of that narcisistic father), it was so strong, and it cause so much damage i can't even start doing anything new i want or i would like to do, when i try to learn new skills i got kinda stuck after very short time(sometimes i even got stuck in my mind before i start doing it, i just think oh yeah would be nice to do it or learn this or that but nah its nor for me, i cant learn it, it wont work for me...), because when i see what professionals can do and what i did after my firsts tries i feel resigned, that im bad, worse, and never achieve anything in that thing
These seminars are just pure Gold. Thanks for your teachings.
That's why everyone says you have to develop love of self, and then all the world can be your support! A good relationship with yourself can be enough, i believe.
Yes I learned to love myself when I really was able to receive Christ love for me about 4 years ago. I'm 64.
It has to be enough. If it weren't enough, the loneliness would kill the person. Everyone needs a support system and it's soul crushing without one
This is exactly how I feel every day. I had no idea this was my problem despite being keenly aware I was raised by a narcissistic sociopath.
I am not afraid of being a burden, I was TOLD countless times that I indeed was a burden by my parents and my husband. I was a burden even though I was raising our child almost singlehandedly. When I was asking for help (!) with our child, I was asked if I got bored of motherhood. I can now see a pattern of me getting in position so others have to help me. I hope this awerness will help me to get out of those unhealthy situations and relationships.
I extremely appreciate your videos, the Lord bless you abundantly! Praying for you and your family!! Every single word was amazing, the last part talking about Joseph, so much was similar to my life
Asking family to help and it’s toxic!!! Truth! Be prepared to move out of comfort zone!!! True after abuse!!!
I was raised to believe that everyone else's needs must be met before my own, but to ask for anything myself was selfish and greedy. The family that I abandoned to reclaim my sanity still tries to contact me, but at this point late in my life, I'm too busy making up for lost time. My life is pretty incredible now. I am alone, and maybe too psychologically damaged to be lonely. I do not expect to ever have a safe, loving relationship with a man. I do think about it, but I firmly believe that safe, healthy relationships only happen in fantasy novels, which is why they're called fantasy novels.
You must have money if your life is "incredible" because I've always known money would have been a solution to my situation.
If you move beyond your fear, love will find you. Stay honest and you'll attract authenticity. The pressures to be in a loving relationship need not apply. Friendship is a place to begin. Either way, you're not too damaged to be loved.
My needs have never been met
Thank you so much. This is going to be so helpful in my life. God Bless your ministry
This really hit home for me - yes to all 18 characteristics. Many thanks for your valuable work. 🦋
There are safe people out there?
@Pam, my thoughts exactly
@Pam yes, I had that question bubbling up as he spoke. I ask “Tim, how do you know or recognize who is safe?” It surely depends on whether they understand deeply traumatized people and can validate, guide, encourage, soothe and shine the light of healing on their soul. But that would have to be a super human….it would be supra human…..that would be Creation, God!! No rejection there. I see how unshakeable faith develops - the belief in an unconditionally loving God. To your point Pam, I haven’t found a safe person on my road to recovery because in my aura are deep needs that attract people who, after a short while reject, abandon, disrespect, abuse me…..it seems like a never-ending cycle/circle. I wish you healing & all the best 💕
@@AllIn1Studio hey thanks for your reply..its so helpful to know another person has experienced a similar thing..no contact has helped me alot and yes praying to God but once you leave the cave its like they are waiting to attack..but they do it in such a subtle way you dont see it comming then its back to the drawing board..people have learned to manipulate empathic people and use it
For their own advantage..this is now a worldl wide problem..but at some point
A bigger bully will get the smaller ones
Then there might be a change..but not until they become targets themselves
What can we do?..walk the narrow path and let God take us to safety
Our Father gave us the Councillor
The Holy Spirit which is the spirit of Truth ..cuz once you see it you CANT
Unsee it..Good Luck to you my friend
Your words help those that need to hear them..peace..BOSTON
I don't think so LOL.
Yes most of them are damaged people like us. Our advantage of being traumatized is compassion and understanding
I hesitated to click on this because I can’t believe my parents were narcissistic in any way - but then I kept listening and he mentioned every single scenario I lived and continue to live in. I had a suicidal mother whom I was always afraid would disappear or kill herself - I did everything in my power to keep her happy so I never allowed myself to have any needs. My dad was a workaholic who coped with my mother’s depression and suicidal ideation by staying away.
I really appreciate and, for what’s worth, I agree with the theory of trauma explained. I puzzled about the connection with Christianity: a culture which hinges on making people feel wrong and guilty, which perpetrated abuse of power and protected the abusers from the law. I’m Italian and I’ve seen the extensive damage made by Catholics within my family and in the broader society. Catholics need to traumatize children in order to have adults seeking a safe person or entity to turn to. The Bible keeps swinging between atrocities and beatitudes, impossible to reconcile unless you give up your common sense, I.e. unless you turn yourself into a sheep, for the happiness of you pastor.
Toxic parents have been often subject of psychological violence by the church: this is what I witnessed.
My heart fills with joy when I see two people with such common sense discussing for millions to see on what is basically mass hysteria at this point. Thank you TCN ‼️
I was raised by a single mother after living with my grandparents until I was 9 yrs old. after I wasn't cute anymore and started to question her she lost interest and I was left to raise myself. I got food and shelter but that was about it. I moved out at 17 and she was off the hook.
it has taken me a long time to realized that this emotional neglect, abandonment and checking out as a parent is now at the core of my mental health issues ive been struggling with my whole life. maybe I never really bonded with her? I have a few memories of us connecting deeply when I was a child but not many. I was always a kind of burden that was in her way of living HER life. so yeah, now I find it really hard to get close to anyone. im pretty isolated and indulge heavily with the arts, they've been there for me since I was young.
Thank you. ❤ wow. I needed this. Going to watch the rest of the series. I’m working with the help of Yeshua to end generational trauma. And it’s so hard. But with God all things are possible.
This guy is good!!! Thanks!!! This is soooo helpful! Dealing with complex PTSD 10 traumas!!! 🤦♀️😢🙏
Thank you for making these videos to help all of us heal.and understand and therefore helping to stop the unhealthy cycles and evolve
Making and contributing and serving your community instead of .......
I had my closest friend recently tell me that she needed a break from talking to me and it triggered feeling like a burden. I know it comes from my childhood. My mother was a narcissist. I can't seem to forgive this friend. I understand that she needed alone time but I cannot get rid of the feeling of being a burden. I'm not sure I want to forgive her.
i didnt. in the apocalypse? yeah, they're out. did it hurt?
yes.
She is unable to be a supportive friend. Let her go and keep working on the fears. You are worth someone's time, energy and care
You need to find friends who are invested in recovery
Also had a friend say this to me .. when I was in need she told me she had her own needs she was dealing with .. it hurt .. but now I see and respect her for this .. when we are sinking we can cling to others who might also be drowning .. and they simply cannot be there for us .. if it’s repetitive that people can’t be there for us .. that’s a friendship to let go of ☮️
I also think when we have gone through trauma we can sometimes also overshare and dump all our problems on one person and it can become an incessant loop . It’s a hard one, finding the balance . We need to share but it’s also hard if someone is only hearing about problems too . My twin-sister soMetiems lets me know this compassionately . I’m sure your friend cares .. perhaps she was just letting you kindly knkw she didn’t have any more capacity .
All I attract are NPD so thanks , but I’ll continue to stay alone until I can see there are no more NPD !
We all can be selfish especially when we want space and tranquility-
But I think the best thing is to get rid of NPD completely because they WANT ALL THE ATTENTION!!!! You need a little , but they need an insurmountable AMOUNT that never ends !!!
Sometimes you get to listen what one needs to listen to from time to time. 🎉 Just what is needed to face those fears.thanks man
I'm always looking forward to the Christian part at the end.i'm enjoying it thank you
Tim whenever i watch one of your video it is just like you describe my messy self . i don't know hiw you managed to put all those things together so clearly. it's like you read in me as an open in book 😅
I can’t even make it through this, it’s so painful. I feel both the hurt of how my parents fell short… and the pain of realizing how many of these same things I’ve done to my own children because I didn’t know how damaging it was.
Well, it's probably healing to tell your own children that you messed up sometimes. The thing is Narcissists do not apologize for anything ever. My mother hates me. My older brother committed su*cide.
My narc mother alone checked 14 out of the 19 types of parents that cause complex trauma.
regarding needs, one thing I learned when you let people help you, give you advice or something, you actually give them the opportunity to prove to themselves how amazing THEY can be. so its not just you taking, its you taking and giving. people like to feel important and capable, and look as someone helping you as you giving them opportunity to shine! this mindset helped me accept and grow, while letting other people also grow.
So many of these, nearly all, characteristics applies to my parent and it sickens me to my core because when I try to talk them about it I’m gaslighted. I’ve made the conscious decision to remove them from my life and not allow that poison behavior around my child.
I experienced neglect which included medical neglect. I almost died from sepsis when I was 9 if it wasn't for the intervention of my pediatrician. I complained for months i was in pain. I developed a fever and my finger where an infection festered began to turn green and smell. None of my teachers or coaches noticed.
I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance, given medication that caused such pain. They refused to stay with me and asked their co workers to visit me instead of them. Baffling.
As punishment for being sick, my parents removed me from the sport.
I survived and lost the nail on that finger.
The "Signs that you have an issue" are things my mother actually told me when I was growing up!! Holy Cow, no wonder I am terrified to ask for help 😞. If I ever asked for help from my family they not only refused, they punished me by cutting me out of the family all together. I once even managed to find a psychologist who treated me the same way. It's amazing what the power of beliefs can create in our lives.
Yeah. PA Dutch culture outright tells you that’s how to be a “good” person. Always work, never need, and if you need anything you need to work more, and if you can’t work, that just means you’re weak and need to work more so you can work more.
Moral of story be perfect parent. 😂🤣🥂🥂. Basically we all have flaws and as long as you own it and work on it you are an amazing parent!!
Did you understand that the main point is not dismissing your child? This doesn't mean satisfying their every whim. When your child or any other relationship comes to you to share something a problem they are having it doesn't mean you have to solve it. Just listen and don't dismiss and if you can help them do it. But don't dismiss someone because you are tired of being a parent. Being a parent is a lifetime job. Not till kids are 20 or until they find a job.
I was born to a codependant military covert narc dad and a codependant akcoholic milignant narx so cqlled mom evsryrhing this man is saying has happened to me i lived to the other side and healing. I got a whole lot from this
This is very well explained, thank you sir. This describes me or one of my brothers and sisters 100 percent.
This talk was amazing! Tim never disapoints! I love research! Is it possible to get access to the slides or research?
I’m legitimately afraid of how accurately the first 8 minutes of this video described my life. And even more so afraid of how he then proceeded to follow up with NUMEROUS things that described my mom growing up…
I said yes to all of your questions on the quiz, but I do these things out of consideration. My father was away working and my mother was so busy with the kids that one more thing would stress her out. There were six of us. They did their best, but yes, inadvertently I ended up feeling like I can't ask for help. So what you're saying is, asking for help actually helps you connect with others.
The guy who made this video has a list of services he is selling. I'm guessing this business model is how he pays his bills. So of course he wants people to "ask for help" what he means is he is looking for vulerable people who are damaged and some of these damaged people will have money and they will hand over their money to him. For once I'd like to see actual help for people who are troubled. There is something sinister about those who turn abuse into a business. I'm tired of these types of introductory videos, UA-cam has lots of them. It's a scam. I've probably watched 20 or 30 videos like this and has my life changed, well I would say NO. There are only two things that I know of that cures narcissism in relationships 1) GET MONEY for yourself and 2) GET away from the narcissist. That is it. Get money in your own bank account so you can get away from the family of origin or abusive spouse.
What he is saying is this video is an advertisement for his projects which he wants people to give money to. He has websites and there are CARTS on the websites so you can send him money. It is a very evil scam from my point of view. The help he is talking about is not free. The truth is people must help themselves because there is no help coming from anywhere in this world. This world is about creating schemes and businesses and the only way to win in this world is to get money flowing to you, lots of it. Money is the answer. With money you can do anything. Without money nobody cares about you. Look at the homeless for example, they are despised, they are A BURDEN to society, they are exactly the thing this guy in this video claims people are not. The elderly if they are poor are a BURDEN, the elderly if they are rich are a resource to be used by others to get money.... Money is the only thing in life that makes a person relevant. Do therapists work for free... no they don't... do they get paid no matter what the outcome of the therapy sessions are... yes they get money if they help or not. I've seen maybe 3-5 therapists when I was younger and here I am watching this stupid UA-cam video. Needless to say the therapy didn't help me but at least the therapist could pay her bills. What doesn't help is years and years and years of learning about narcissism caused abuse. These videos do not help. These videos are meant to funnel people towards his business it's just his advertisement mechanism.
I started crying after the 18th. I have c-ptsd with dissasociation with amnesia and multiple personality disorder.my dad took a crow bar after me, into the restaurant where I worked, I was sitting having tea with gus the manager and dad came in an slammed that table and 1half inch away from my nose. And said I'll be sitting out there waiting for you. , I went there for help cause I worked there and we got a plan made. I went to a safe house and yheother ones went on a high speed chase with the cops chasing them. 157 miles an hr they were going and he tried to crunch into them so they stopped. My dad went yanked that door open, grabbed Cindy my girlfriend, and was ready to pound on her with the crow bar but the guys wouldn't let go of her legs to keep her in, by then the cops were there., but I called on my friends and we made a plan to get me to a safe place. I thank those people, I would be dead at 14yrs old. He said I'll get u before yr 18. And I was visiting my brother . Thank you! I found this channel , and I subbed and shared. ❤ ✌ 🌞
when he talks about these things he lists them by say or, with me he should be saying and because they all apply to me so much that im sobbing because finally someone can see me.
This is amazing im i know im walking in my purpose and personal foals and i feel fuilty for it i was born to both narc parents and whole fanilu system i was the scapegoat i went no contact 2 yrs ago and healing
😩😢😔🤦EXCELLENT!!!🎯 TY💖👏👏👏. PURE VALIDATION!!!💯
Kindly share all the parts from 1 to 15 of this series,please share all videos with us!
Amazing content . So informative. I hope you continue to post. You truly help people
Dammmmmmmmmmn .....oooooh lord have mercy , you nailed it
Regarding why we do not ask help…I would add another reason, and that is when you ask the help, then people ask you to help in return with something, that is too much and you don’t want to disappoint them with saying “no”. Plus I personally do not want to have a feeling like I owe something. What’s the trauma behind that?
I didn’t listen yet but I grew up in a home where there was no love or nurture. We were looked at as work. My parents sacrificed a lot to give us what we wanted (material stuff) but never what we needed. Now I find it so hard to meet my children’s needs. I’m very dysfunctional and selfish. I’m very aware of my toxic behavior but find it hard to cope with day to day life sometimes. I believe I also have undiagnosed ASD or ADHD. Easy tasks are very complex to me and I’m emotionally immature. My children deserve so much better. My almost 18 year old daughter (had her at 19) says they couldn’t have picked a better mom. I think she says that to make me feel better. I wish I had more help.
Same childhood for me and my 18yr old son and 16yr old daughter say the same thing yet I feel the same way as you described also. Love to you ❤
It has helped me to study EIP: emotionally immature parents. I understand my own childhood beliefs and also understand what I passed on to my children, thus to my grandchildren.
The toughest list yet
My cPTSD lead to DID. All of the characteristics mentioned, count me in. It always amazes me that more symptoms of it keep coming
I am so sorry Frequ nc. I don't have DID, but have dissociated from an early age. Totally empathize.
@@elizabethbrauer1118 I’m sad for your issues also. The whole of mankind is basically abused in one way or the other but not like we were abused. I know some of what was done to me but not all is ready memory but contained in my other selves. I can tell when the full memories are close to surface certain self states will take the body to direct and do why they were made they protect me from knowing. Some integration and it is wonderful so far but other info they hold so can’t integrate so easy. My original abusers still try and actually do harm from 60 miles away. I’m happy in general but intermittent crashes. Do you know before you disassociated self?
Wtf
Everytime I was sick my mom was magically sick. From I was a toddler to now (23 years old). So if anyone (family, her work friends) called asking how I am, she’d divert the attention to how she’s more sick and how taking care of me made her more stressed because I was sick and no one was there to take care of her. Mind you she would only emote/show symptoms the moment they’d ask about me/I’d cry in pain/ask for pain management so it was pretty obvious of her faking it. It was like the scene in Midsommar when Dani was crying and all the women gathered around her and started crying to brainwash her..
This is the most valuable channel on the tube
Yay!!! I'm a victim😂😂😂
Thought I had it all figured out... Back to the drawing board. Life is a ruthless cycle. Live it right and you'll welcome death. Nap time will be glorious! Great video.
What a fantastic comment! “Life is a ruthless cycle. Live it right and you’ll welcome death” Wonderful, such a great, humane, sentiment! May we all live life to the fullest and welcome our glorious nap at the end.
I remember my mom just absolutely screaming at me at the top of her lungs because I woke her up in the morning once (the first time I remember it happening), I wasnt more than 3-4 years old... and that was just the beginning of a whole lot of bad memories
Once again - thank-you Tim