I had an issue with anger when someone close to criticized me, or when my independence or autonomy got violated. Then I decided to tell myself that their criticism does not define me. Now I can resolve it 75% of the time
I have to share this. As I progress through recovery from CPTSD, I'm becoming more aware of when my anger and sense of rejection gets triggered. The other night I was feeling this way. I prayed to God to instruct me in how to deal with it (paraphrasing.) I then recalled a section of Pete Walkers book (highly recommend if you have CPTSD) where the emotional flash back is essentially your neglected inner child. I then spoke to that portion of me with love and compassion. "It's okay buddy, I love you, I will not abandon you. All you need is Jesus." To my shock, I started bawling my head off. Tears flowed like a monsoon. This went on for about 5 minutes. I could feel a weight in my chest had been removed. Keep at it, through prayer, seeking Him and doing the work you'll begin to heal. Be blessed in Jesus name.
Wow! What a topic. I admit that earlier this year, my baby sister moved in with me due to mental health issues. I found myself extremely angry at my parents. That's when I realized I've been angry at my parents, all my life, because they were never parents, not even to my siblings. I had to radically accept that my parents will never be the parents I need them to be. And with that, I was able to cut ties with my parents and refocus on me, my kids, and my hobbies and goals.... It's been peaceful not attending dysfunctional family gatherings.
I can relate. I married my mom. And maybe my father. He died when I was an infant. These talks are great. I hope I can break through this stuff I've been carrying my entire life!
The challenge is when people enjoy pushing your buttons for their own entertainment. They will not like it if you do not react and push harder. It is a power play. Just walk away.
De-escalating is hard in the moment. How do I fix this? I have been way better at stopping it, but how do I stop it before I hurt people's hearts? It's always made so simple; ie don't react. Ok. How do I not react?
Do whatever you can to give yourself space. If you’re at home force yourself to walk into another room. If you’re at work go to the bathroom. If you’re in the car pull over or ask to pull over to go to the bathroom. Whatever you can do to edit the same space of looking at the person. It’s ideal if you can communicate to this person you’re doing this but if you can’t that’s ok it will be less hurtful in the long term to just walk away for some time than whatever mean things you may be thinking of saying is. This is what I do. It helps a lot. If I’m so mad I can’t say I’m taking space, I will tell them that’s what I’m doing when they ask or when I walk back. Then I sit with the angry thoughts, sometimes I write them down. Once I have calmed down a little I go thru this chain of questions: 1) what does this situation remind me of in childhood? 2) who does this situation remind me of in childhood 3) how is this person different than that person 4) hoe is this situation different than that 5) is the anger meant for the original abuser Then once I feel much calmer I will reconcile and discuss it with them. If I am still upset about the issue at hand I will communicate why, though I often find it’s usually a small transgression that feels like a massive betrayal bc of trauma but in the grand scheme of of things isn’t a big deal.
I'm living with an addict and have given ample opportunity for this person to get help with no results and have become in a very angry person and reacted poorly in dealing and coping with them by lashing out verbally and at times physical inappropriately it seems my only option is to separate feeling constantly disrespected and resentful because I'm keeping the household together on my own I need help
What if you are in a relationship with someone who has no intention of ever looking at their own stuff? Do I just keep working on myself and setting boundaries and all? What do you do if someone you are with has tons of their own issues from their own family of origins but doesn't even want to admit that they have any issues at all? In fact, she begins angry, defensive, and threatens to leave at even the suggestion that she also has issues.
I’m sorry this is hard. I was married to someone like that. I had to work hard on keeping the focus on myself and my own recovery. Eventually my spouse left to “lead a separate life while staying married”, with God’s help I filed for divorce. Hopefully that does not happen in your case but at least by focusing on yourself you can have peace.
Working on being AWARE.... never would have thought I had 'anger' but when I see the emotion wheel and all the emotions that are in the anger category/ yup/ I got a lot of those...
My anger tends to flare up like 1-100 when I’m interrupted. It’s so embarrassing that I get so mad every time someone (specifically my kids) interrupt me. I’ve been trying to resolve this for a long time but I can’t seem to identify the trigger. I think it might be related to something from my past but I can’t figure it out. Does anyone have any suggestions?
No specialist here, just trying to heal like anyone else but I'd say being interrupted sends a strong *disrespect* signal to some deeply wounded part of you from childhood; some part of you that was made to feel abandoned for who you were or what you did; not good enough, not worthy of respect from yourself or others. I would recommend working through all 6 parts of Tim's "Shame and Complex Trauma" series... I found taking notes on the quizzes and seeing which ones register the strongest responses to be very illuminating also, there is definitely a pattern for me and I'm sure for you also. It may help figure out where the hurt comes from.
Also, the fact that it's especially triggering from your kids makes sense to me personally... I imagine their opinion of you is very important to you, perhaps more important than anyone on earth. So it cuts deeper feeling that whatever you are saying is not important to them... triggers childhood pain. Cue guilt spiral for feeling angry, limbic brain commences self abuse feeding the I'm Not Good Enough demons all over again and it spirals so hard and fast it feels impossible to catch yourself sometimes. Proud of you for trying to figure it all out and get to the root of this stuff, it takes courage and persistence to face these things but it is worth it. Keep going, you will find healing, it is all worth it.
That story of David and Saul was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Can't believe this is actually a story in a "holy" book. Great talk otherwise.
I had an issue with anger when someone close to criticized me, or when my independence or autonomy got violated.
Then I decided to tell myself that their criticism does not define me. Now I can resolve it 75% of the time
I have to share this. As I progress through recovery from CPTSD, I'm becoming more aware of when my anger and sense of rejection gets triggered. The other night I was feeling this way. I prayed to God to instruct me in how to deal with it (paraphrasing.) I then recalled a section of Pete Walkers book (highly recommend if you have CPTSD) where the emotional flash back is essentially your neglected inner child. I then spoke to that portion of me with love and compassion. "It's okay buddy, I love you, I will not abandon you. All you need is Jesus." To my shock, I started bawling my head off. Tears flowed like a monsoon. This went on for about 5 minutes. I could feel a weight in my chest had been removed. Keep at it, through prayer, seeking Him and doing the work you'll begin to heal. Be blessed in Jesus name.
❤️
Thats awesome man ❤
OMG I going to try that - I dont even know Im angry😳 just suddenly Im overwhelmed😬 and its all displaced anger because its stupid stuff I lose it at
Wow! What a topic. I admit that earlier this year, my baby sister moved in with me due to mental health issues. I found myself extremely angry at my parents. That's when I realized I've been angry at my parents, all my life, because they were never parents, not even to my siblings. I had to radically accept that my parents will never be the parents I need them to be. And with that, I was able to cut ties with my parents and refocus on me, my kids, and my hobbies and goals.... It's been peaceful not attending dysfunctional family gatherings.
Silence is a form of violence/control tactic. I think it's rude & disrespectful. It first happened in childhood, God help me, I married my father.
I can relate. I married my mom. And maybe my father. He died when I was an infant. These talks are great. I hope I can break through this stuff I've been carrying my entire life!
Yep, most of us did, much to our own horror.❤
😭I did too. Thankfully I’m free…..still broken but free.
I cannot describe how accurate this lecture describes my whole life
The challenge is when people enjoy pushing your buttons for their own entertainment. They will not like it if you do not react and push harder. It is a power play. Just walk away.
My dad is real bad button pusher, then he wonders why I get angry and storm out.
💯
My father was like that. Ironically, he was angry most of the time himself.
Potent! Thank you so much for info. And all glory to our heavenly Father. The Bible rounds it all up absolutely!!
Amazing content. Thank you.
BRILLIANT!! 🙌👏 👏
16:05 old wound triggered now takes you back to that age
This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing!❤
De-escalating is hard in the moment. How do I fix this? I have been way better at stopping it, but how do I stop it before I hurt people's hearts? It's always made so simple; ie don't react. Ok. How do I not react?
Do whatever you can to give yourself space. If you’re at home force yourself to walk into another room. If you’re at work go to the bathroom. If you’re in the car pull over or ask to pull over to go to the bathroom. Whatever you can do to edit the same space of looking at the person.
It’s ideal if you can communicate to this person you’re doing this but if you can’t that’s ok it will be less hurtful in the long term to just walk away for some time than whatever mean things you may be thinking of saying is. This is what I do. It helps a lot. If I’m so mad I can’t say I’m taking space, I will tell them that’s what I’m doing when they ask or when I walk back. Then I sit with the angry thoughts, sometimes I write them down. Once I have calmed down a little I go thru this chain of questions:
1) what does this situation remind me of in childhood?
2) who does this situation remind me of in childhood
3) how is this person different than that person
4) hoe is this situation different than that
5) is the anger meant for the original abuser
Then once I feel much calmer I will reconcile and discuss it with them. If I am still upset about the issue at hand I will communicate why, though I often find it’s usually a small transgression that feels like a massive betrayal bc of trauma but in the grand scheme of of things isn’t a big deal.
Thank you Tim
I'm living with an addict and have given ample opportunity for this person to get help with no results and have become in a very angry person and reacted poorly in dealing and coping with them by lashing out verbally and at times physical inappropriately it seems my only option is to separate feeling constantly disrespected and resentful because I'm keeping the household together on my own I need help
What if you are in a relationship with someone who has no intention of ever looking at their own stuff? Do I just keep working on myself and setting boundaries and all? What do you do if someone you are with has tons of their own issues from their own family of origins but doesn't even want to admit that they have any issues at all? In fact, she begins angry, defensive, and threatens to leave at even the suggestion that she also has issues.
I’m sorry this is hard. I was married to someone like that. I had to work hard on keeping the focus on myself and my own recovery. Eventually my spouse left to “lead a separate life while staying married”, with God’s help I filed for divorce. Hopefully that does not happen in your case but at least by focusing on yourself you can have peace.
Leave, you don't have to stay with her
Keep on handeling your trauma and letting Jesus chainge you. They will soon want what you have.
Working on being AWARE.... never would have thought I had 'anger' but when I see the emotion wheel and all the emotions that are in the anger category/ yup/ I got a lot of those...
Imagine doing all this after something happened i better go away sit on a chair and Start writing down all the main ideas 💡😂 no time for Anger
I am so grateful for this man and his teachings. Does he still have a church?
He runs a program to help people with complex trauma
How does someone become a narcissist? Is there any hope for them?
I have a big procrastination problem and i spend alot of time alone
My anger tends to flare up like 1-100 when I’m interrupted. It’s so embarrassing that I get so mad every time someone (specifically my kids) interrupt me. I’ve been trying to resolve this for a long time but I can’t seem to identify the trigger. I think it might be related to something from my past but I can’t figure it out. Does anyone have any suggestions?
No specialist here, just trying to heal like anyone else but I'd say being interrupted sends a strong *disrespect* signal to some deeply wounded part of you from childhood; some part of you that was made to feel abandoned for who you were or what you did; not good enough, not worthy of respect from yourself or others.
I would recommend working through all 6 parts of Tim's "Shame and Complex Trauma" series... I found taking notes on the quizzes and seeing which ones register the strongest responses to be very illuminating also, there is definitely a pattern for me and I'm sure for you also. It may help figure out where the hurt comes from.
Also, the fact that it's especially triggering from your kids makes sense to me personally... I imagine their opinion of you is very important to you, perhaps more important than anyone on earth. So it cuts deeper feeling that whatever you are saying is not important to them... triggers childhood pain. Cue guilt spiral for feeling angry, limbic brain commences self abuse feeding the I'm Not Good Enough demons all over again and it spirals so hard and fast it feels impossible to catch yourself sometimes.
Proud of you for trying to figure it all out and get to the root of this stuff, it takes courage and persistence to face these things but it is worth it. Keep going, you will find healing, it is all worth it.
♥️👍
Saul did to David, then David did it to the husbands of his lovers😂😂😂😂 Nice anger management 😂😂😂
I feel like there is just way too much to address.
One thing at a time. Give yourself grace, but keep working the steps.
That story of David and Saul was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Can't believe this is actually a story in a "holy" book. Great talk otherwise.
❤❤❤
6:15
I hate that arousal it hurts
💜❤️🩹💫
what a lot of shit! As if just asking yourself things, the answers would pop up...