Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 11/11 - Gaslighting
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- Опубліковано 19 вер 2019
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Gaslighting - an extreme form of psychological abuse.
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I want to point out that these pattern of behaviour aren't just related to a partner but often a PARENT as well
Also grown-up children
especially PARENTS
children in adult bodies
In my wife's case is a coworker
Is it sick that ive learned to do it on purpose and will do it when people do it to me?
politicians do it all the time GLOBALLY
Great talk, but, why do soooooo many therapists just assume that abused people have good support systems such as family or friends? the family is the original abuser! And the reason we got into a toxic relationship in the first place!
Except at around 30mins or so, he uses family as the culprit.
@Anson7777 This is true! I have noticed that so often people are advised to "rely on their support system" when trying to get out of/recover from an abusive relationship. But what about someone like me, who has no family anymore (had to cut them out of my life to keep myself safe), or any friends. I know it's hard for some to fathom that a person could have NO friends, but this is a very sad reality for some of us! NO friends, as in ZERO. No one!
So true
Are there not some situations where the partner is soly at fault? I perceive that my partner gaslit me, but towards the end it sounds like he is responding like I was the narcissist. Like this is really sick. I didn't have family and friends. He was the only person. I truly didn't mean to criticize him. But he literally appeared to do things incorrectly on purpose. And he would tell me that's how he felt, like what you're saying verbatim. Could he have looked up this and study it to make me think I'm the narcissist. Like now I feel really fucked up
Like was I the fucking Narcissist
no one wants to get envolved in abuse situations. i was surrounded by toxic narcissists for years and everyone around me shrugged it off. The lack of support reinforces the stigma that it must be your fault.
I think a lot of people didn’t know what it was before UA-cam
So true!
How did you get better? Are you? You seem very self aware. If you don’t mind answering. I am just trying to follow what others did to heal.
That is exactly what has always happened to me. I am booting all of these people that shrugged it off out of my life.
You'll find that whilst gaslighting they are also playing mind games with others around you, using pernicious lies and slights so they too think you're slightly crazy. Therefore they brush you off as they've already been primed against you.
A narcissist will always try to isolate you from friends and family. You are to be their possession and a constant source of supply
I was gaslighted by my family from the time I was a toddler. My eldest brother sexually abused me when I was three. They pretended he never did anything to me and hoped I'd forget. A therapist told them that was what they should do.
I didn't know who I was or have any trust in my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, judgments or memories until I was over 30.
I have CPTSD and multiple comorbid diagnoses (including quiet/discouraged BPD).
Don't gaslight children. Especially about their experiences of abuse. It does immeasurable harm.
So sorry you had to survive such sickness.
Im sorry to say that your story is one i relate to so much! Ive never met anyone like me whos family pretended things with my brother didnt happen... tried to make me believe it never did... God Bless you for being so Strong!
I'm sorry you're family did that to you 😢
Thank you ver much for sharing that! It helps me because I can relate. In my case, the gaslighting and psychological manipulation when I tried to get answers and validation about the abuse was way more damaging to me than the initial abuse. I wish you healing, peace and joy now. ✌️
yes, I still remember my cousin groped me while I was sleeping, when I was in elementary student. and now he have this good image and even my own parents praised him a lot. I feel disgusted for everytime I see him but I can't tell anyone about that. I keep wondering if he still remember about it whenever he see me.
Sigh. This one hurt. This episode hurts. Gaslighting is like you're constantly asking yourself if you're really that stupid... While sitting here listening and watching this episode, I recognized that my heart rate and breathing were increasing. I felt as though my body was in anxiety.
I completely agree, probably the worst manipulation. If you don't know it's happening, it leaves you a pile of mush, if you survive and have the will to live.
Even if you know about gaslighting, the gaslighters, it still a good idea to have a trusted SAFE friend or SAFE therapist to run scenario because you STILL might not see it and it will still effect you. It may be you grew up with and never saw the gaslighting with family and friends, so it may be VERY hard to find a SAFE person.
@@eecneihappy Absolutely...! 🙏
Minds like MSM!
The truth hurts so bad. This is the best explanation i have heard so far. It will be a journey out and this gives me hope. I went no contact and I am greatful for these videos to help walk through what to expect and how to deal with this better. God keeps telling me I have today with Him..let's walk in healing. Thank you for posting this.
I have listened to hundreds if not thousands of videos on gaslighting and narcissism to figure out all the toxic evil people around me from family to coworkers and no one has ever explained it all better! Thank you!
Amazing right? He has got it down to a T
The problem is that people convince themselves that even a ham sandwich is a gaslighting narcissist
Hi. Actually the scientific reason behind the memory loss in gaslighting is because the only person who's word you believe is telling you that your memory is inaccurate, and often telling you what actually happened. The brain basically becomes scrambled because it is unable to access a memory to confirm this false version of reality and as a result loses the actual memory.
This has to be the best explanation of emotional abuse I have heard so far.
tim is just fabulous
Same
I agree! So validating. I’m going to ask my therapist to watch this.
You keep saying him. My wife was a huge gas lighter. 6 years away and I'm still healing.
my mother 100%
This perfectly explains my childhood and the last relationship I just ended. I say ended, because it took many, many break ups to finally get rid of him. These abusers know how to target their prey, and just as you say - they know who the best targets are. The key is to HEAL your own childhood complex trauma, so that you can now say as an adult - "No, thank you!! Next!"
You mean I'm not overly sensitive??? All those times where I confronted him on his stuff, his stuff was GASLIGHTING!! Then he gaslighted me about his GASLIGHTING!! Oh my goodness, this is a life changing talk! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
Yes gaslighting for addressing gaslighting! Classic!
MSM...
Story of my life
😅
Don’t feel alone.. I fell for it too
Omgosh my mother did those to me me entire life! I wish i would have left her years ago 😢. My whole life was stolen from me by her, i didn't wake up until i turned 60... Just feels too late now for a normal life ..
It's never too late to be true to yourself
I’m in the same situation. I’m 55. I send you love from Québec city. ❤🫂
64 here and feel exactly the same. For some things it is too late. But other 5hings we still have time for.
I'm 73 and finally healing in the last 2 years. It's NEVER too late to heal from a gaslighting parent. (in my case, a grandiose narcissist mother who delighted in physically, psychologically & emotionally abusing & minimizing her children... & an absent codependent alcoholic father). After decades of therapy, I'm finally working with a therapist who's a trauma specialist & helping me heal my inner child. I realized that I just don't have many years left & I HAD to figure this out & heal before I leave this earth! And I finally am! And you CAN heal too!
I’m 50 and still learning and rebuilding myself. Narcissistic parents and just got divorced after a 30 years long relationship of codependency. Everyday is a new step in our lives journey. Everyday is a new day ❤
What about during the gaslighting stage when they slowly turn your friends, neighbors and your own family against you? By convincing them with lies and deception that you're the problem, how they've been the victim all along. To the point that you have no one to turn to because they have successfully turned your friends and family against you.....even your own children. By then my soul was gone which left me in the darkest place that I never thought existed.
I hope you are healing, l am sorry you have suffered such pain and abuse.
This is pure evil: triangulation mixed with gaslighting and isolate you. I’m so hoping you’re in a better place now💜
How *now* wisdom owl? How you doing?
This happened to me by my ex over a 22 year marriage; prior to that by my narcissistic family. I’m surprised I’ve survived this far. I hope you have. I think this abuse causes most suicides.
It’s called a “smear campaign “
They also overreact to reinforce topics they want you to avoid
Just a sidenote that also "regular" people can gaslight you "accidentally". They don't necessarily have to be narcissists. Many people just have poor communication skills. What matters is how able and willing they are to admit their fault and look in the mirror. Also it's useful to acknowledge that often narcs might claim they have been gaslit, hence they are often the "victims". Therefore this is a very complicated and nuanced topic.
Good point, a lot of people default to fake niceties and will say things that are not genuine but for the purpose of keeping the peace, looking good to others, avoiding conflict at all cost, or because it's more convenient and less bothersome and so on but what differentiates them from narcissists is that they usually don't have the other narcissist characteristics.
People should still reflect and resolve why they are running away from being genuine because there is too much fakeness in the world to the point that it creates unhealthy lives, creates people that are consumed by what others think and then they in turn do the same to others, and that can often result in peer pressure, lying and sometimes in bullying.
I can’t say how much I need, NEED, these videos. I have multiple NPDs in my life and I feel..........destitute and depressed. I need these videos to get me, REMIND me, what’s real/fake/abusive etc. i HAVE TO GET BACK TO MYSELF. My life depends on it
I was there. You can do this. Keep educating yourself and getting validation of what you have experienced and in a couple of years time you’ll be strong. I thought I would never heal but I was wrong. Still on the path, not the same person ( and that’s sad), but I am stronger and wiser. Take good care of you.
You aren’t alone in this struggle.
you are doing great
Me too😭
Please leave those people I don’t know you but no one deserves this behavior in there life. I got out and it’s taken a few years to make a decision with asking someone. My life is much more peaceful and I can see how messed up they are now that they are not around. I cut off both parents and spouse. My children tell memories of how screwed up our situation was. I want to try to make things right and I had so many much financially to lose. I started video taping and I knew it wasn’t me. Some of my friends still blame me tell me it’s in my head but my children know.
I never got an answer why he refused to mow the yard, why he slept in the other room, why he never bought me a present or furnishings for the home in 12 years, where all his money went if he had to work ALL the time, but was always broke, why he'd never walk out and look at my garden I tilled and grew. He'd never addressed any points I made, but would turn the conversation into how I was saying it. I did everything for that emo child of a man. Even if we went on an adventure, he'd be hiking far away from me, or sleep while I drove, or go out to eat or camping if all his buddies were going. He'd only do things for money or praise, but was helpful to his co-workers in skydiving... where his bromances were losers. If he cooked or did laundry, he'd only cook for himself or do his own laundry. Everything I did was with him in mind as a team. I've never spent so much time at home alone. I used to be a highly social and creative being. Both our dads were narcissists. I became the anxious attachment style and he became the neglectful narcissist. I knew he wasn't a psychopath, so I never considered that he was a full blown narcissist. I thought they were the same thing. I just said he was a self centered nice guy. My digestion has been messed up for 3 years and he could have cared less. I tried a better diet and detox, but realized my life depended on getting rid of him, because the gaslighting, rumination, anger, neglect and cortisol was what was making me sick.
This is my story!!
Wow my hysband works six days a week but reminds we need money so I dont spend anything never came out to help me with my horses unless I insisted and when we do things "together" he isnt anywhere near me ie went fishing he always ends up on the other side of the lake even on our honeymoon I began to buy my own presents because hes cheap 36 years ive been in this
Minute 18:30 where Tim talks about the narcissist crowning himself as king for putting up with you and all your faults. That hit home. My ex would constantly tell me what a nice guy he was putting up with living with me who was so broken. I am a 14 y survivor of stage IV breast cancer. I worked full time, took care of the kids, the house, everything. But no, he was the great guy who earned more money than me [he would constantly rub that in my face] and everything was all thanks to him and his greatness 🤴 👑.
It has taken me a long time to realize what was actually going on in my relationship and what happened in my life. Slowly healing from complex trauma.
Thank you for your great lectures, insight and deep understanding. It has been VERY helpful.
My mother and 3 sisters gaslighted me my entire life. It was, and still is, so devastating that I actually dissociated so often that I no longer remember most of my childhood. I still don't know what was real, and I never will.
Same 😢
Yeah I don’t remember most of my childhood. I’m still amazed by people that actually remember it. 😅😂😂
“The worst type of abuse possible”
My parents making gaslighting a big part of their parenting
“ you fondle my trigger then you blame my gun” -Fiona Apple
l've been following this series. l am gaslit regularly throughout my childhood and life by both alcoholic narcissitic parents and sibling. Disgusting
The last tens years of my life. Eroded my self esteem. This was so spot on. Turned everyone against me…my memory turned to shit and i feared him coming home from work. He constantly accused me of being the problem and made me second guess everything. Then he would call me a gaslighter and narcissist. Crazy making
That is what made me painfully shy and have zero self esteem as a child. I hid from major socialization with no confidence because if my mother felt that way what’s the rest of the world seeing. I rarely put my hand up in school was withdrawn and quiet. My report card said Blank is so quiet, so reticent so withdrawn . I actually am starting to forget that report card. Yet my mother did nothing. Today that sort of report would set up alarms 🚨. This was back in the mid 1960’s.
My mother told me I was painfully shy, but the family dysfunction ignored. Those two things don't make any sense whatsoever. If she saw pain, how could have the pain have been projected onto the outside world as an excuse and the child blamed and ignored, was this the way emotional neglect was handled in the 60's? What a bunch of weak ass crap.
23:50 “The three things you need to move forward in life in a healthy way.” + Self image, accurate view of reality, self trust.
This man is amazing. All these videos are so on point. Experienced all this over 4 years, well 3.5, 1st 6 months was pure bliss or so it seemed but really just illusion. I was strong but have been hollowed out by a very physically beautiful but highly manipulative lady. Will take time to build myself back up. Had a breakdown and had to quit my job and moved country to escape. These types of people who perpetrate this stuff are extremely dangerous to one's health. Should have a health warning tattoed on their foreheads so people can see them coming
Thank you for your videos, they are a great help
True Narcissism is the worst kind of abuse , it is the worst of worst of abuse.
Wow, glad you acknowledged, identified and literally escaped with your life. These people are so slick and cunning that they can slip in undetected bc the web has already captured your heart with their wilds. They are some of the most dangerous and sickest people in the world. And when you find yourself making excuses for them when others say something then your own your way to losing. So glad you were strong enough to leave
What I’ve appreciated most is that someone can tell me why I do the insane things I do with being insane. I’M NOT CRAZY!!! And I’m not alone. Plus, turns out I’m sorta a badass-an awkward one though, like walking blindfolded in a dark room through water. We’re all so much stronger than most people will ever know. We were mentally crushed and/or Erased by the very people we’d usually (and often did) because there was no one left to run to when we had something to run from! I can’t treat my girls like that, although too often they seen my protect myself when I feel rejected. Well, I see self-protection and they see punishment for saying no to me.
@@punyashloka4946 It’s like someone finally being interested in and loving you. With a smile full of practiced charm, they invite you into a warm embrace-just so you’re close enough to (surprise!) rip your guts from your body and then convince you that it’s what you wanted or needed. Then they go away and you’re left to shove enough of your guts back in to keep going.
Yes 🙌🏾 is I don’t know how he popped up on my algorithm but I’ve been watching a lot of of his videos and following. He is a fresh breath air. ❤
For me it was a parent that treated me like this. So when my now ex wife treated me the same way it just seemed normal.
important word here is Ex...means you recognized abuse
Interesting that this wonderful lecturer, Tim Fletcher, used a spousal template. I'm here because my mother was my gaslighter. My complex trauma originates from this childhood mother-son gaslighting.
I couldn’t listen it all at once. Too painful.
My gaslighting was done by my mother, starting around the age of 8 or 9. Some of it was probably deliberate. The rest, I think, was a natural byproduct of her own trauma and mental illness. I could never be sure if, today, something is still right because it was right yesterday. Should I wash my hair before bed or in the morning. (Turns out neither was right.) I think my strongest memory of the influence of her gaslighting was after lunch in high school. There was always a “meetin’ in the ladies room” so we could make sure our lip gloss was on and our hair still looked good. I checked my teeth didn’t have any food in my teeth. Looked good! Then I immediately turned to a friend and asked her if my teeth were clean…because I didn’t trust my own perception.
I became scapegoat at around 11 years old when last sibling was born. I loved that little girl. I took care of her a lot now she’s like her mother and other siblings….narcissists. Me and my dad were emotionally brutally abused. He never figured it out period after the last child finished college he finally divorced her. When he got old and I’m able to care for himself so well narcissists stepped in and pretended to bring him back into the fold invited him for holidays etc.… And manipulated inheritance. I got screwed. I refuse to see how horrible those family members really were. I kept making excuses for them. My position escaped out followed me into the workplace. Life has been tough
Ditto
Did she ever say your too sensitive?
@@tomk2926 No. after a while, I simply shut down my feelings and accept that that’s just a baseline for me. If I’d been unhappy about whatever was going on:
1. She’d prey on that weakness, but not at that moment. She’d keep it to win by hurting me another time. Or…
2. She frequently said “If you don’t like it you can leave.”
What I could never do was go to my bedroom and just be alone. But I couldn’t cry there because we had no doors anywhere except those those we could almost close completely. BESIDES, she would always ask me what I was “doing up there that I can’t do down?” So I just shut it all up and went downstairs to do nothing but sit by her and do nothing. Nothing! Even at 20! I didn’t go away to college, or get an apartment, or run into the night. For the first time in my life, I didn’t ask if I could leave. She hadn’t acknowledged at all for two days (again!) all I had planned to do was watch a movie at a college mate’s house. So when I told her my plan, she said, “If you go, don’t come back.” So I went and didn’t go back. The next day was my 21st birthday and what pushed me in was my certainty that nothing would change and I would probably die in a roach- and rodent-infested 100 year old 18-room house alone. So what’s your story?
@@mysterydiaz5302 I was 8-9 years old when my mother got pregnant with my only (half) sibling. Just before my brother was born, one day she casually told me someone would come to a place where I’d stay in a closet and feed me when they felt like it. I soon put enough pieces to know place where kids went to when they didn’t have parents. The only way I wouldn’t have no parents if they got rid of me. At bedtime I asked why no one had come, there was no “I was teasing you honey/idiot.” It was never, ever “honey”! Instead, it was, “They forgot about you. They’ll probably come tomorrow.” Like you, I adored my brother. Unfortunately, after feeling unwanted and unloved, I have spent 50 years worrying about food, my brother represented the fact that was living in her house on borrowed time and needed to serve a purpose. So keeping food and a bedroom. And now I’m trying to let go of an overwhelming, unhealthy way of being “if found, please call ----.” It’s only been about six months since I’ve put my past in better perspective. Since then, I’ve been willing to relax around my husband of 26 years! 😏 And I can see that there is a lot of collateral damage to put in place and clean up. And my two adult daughters have their own to dust up from having me as their mother. So I figure this is a good to have a fresh look to see what insecurities I’ve passed on, help if I can for mistakes that will make life unnecessarily difficult, and if honestly admit when I am confident I did the VERY BEST AI could with what I had to work with! After all, I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. It’s like George Michael sang “and I wanna get me some happy.” 😉
At the 5 minute mark, or before, I feel like Tim was living on my shoulders. I have a person in my life who has carried out every detail he explains in this video. It's so good to get more validation on what I experienced. It is so accurately stated, it's scary.
You must be mistaken because Tim is speaking directly to me 😂
I grew up being gaslighted by my mother. I’m 58 and she’s dead and am still struggling with the effects. I bought everything she said and insinuated about me. So at 58 I have spent the last two weeks whispering “I’m sorry.” As a 19 yo college student, I was on my way home when a car crossed the lane and hit mine. Simple. I had no fault in it, but when I called my mother she said “what did you do wrong?” She didn’t even ask if I was okay. I went along with it (and a lot of other times!) to get out from under her accusing microscope. Now, this was hard, but I managed to find something I did differently to put me in the accident. These are four reasons why I didn’t stand up for myself:
I needed a place to live and had no one to go to.
I needed to eat.
I needed shelter.
My mother terrified me.
I know full well that if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. All it takes is a small insult to trigger a big bomb! My goal is ultimately to survive. Which is ironic because I’ve thought about ending my life so many times! 😏
So very sorry , how are you doing now?
Or perceived insult
My God. and I mean, I am calling on My God! I am 70. My mother always told me I am too sensitive. She is 92, still using her tactics, is very unhappy because she married an old coot who has OCD and she tells everyone that he is autistic! She is getting what she deserves. Your life is important to Jesus. Dont end it. Grow and learn. Look at yourself and tell yourself Jesus loves you, he died for you, and you must love in order to get through this.
When I learned that I am Fully known by my Abba Father & He deeply loves Me, the healing became deep & profound. The pleasing & proving decreased emensley. Learning to be kind to me, & others. I should have a funeral for the doormat. Lol😊❤💜
my parents did that to me until I was about 4 1/2. I've been abused and controlled by a few people for most of my life. It is very painful.
This video is absolutely jam packed with such helpful information. In the last six months I went No Contact with two abusers. Now I have to free the abuse from my mind, body, spirit and soul. Thank you Tim.
That's the hard part, isn't it? We get the abusers out of our life, but we're still left with their words ringing through our mind, body, spirit, and soul.But going no contact is a good start. Then we have the space to begin to think clearly and do the hard work of healing.
My mother did all these things to me. As soon as he said moving things it all made sense. Now I know why I am this way.
My next door neighbours were doing this to me, took me near 20 years to understand what was happening ( thank you UA-cam channels). Still living next door but no contact is in place. They can fill their boots with their smear campaigns. I have complex trauma ( and have been gaslit forever) and was a complete people pleaser. This talk hits home so much. Thank you. 🙏🏻☺️
@Ken Richard I don’t have those skills 😁, nor the time. 😊
OH MY GOD!!!!! You wrote EXACTLY my situational synopsis, SAME, all details .. so soul destroying
20 years. Damn you must be a special kind of stupid.
I might have missed it, but lack of empathy and adrenaline rush make life so much more exciting for them. Imagine pesky empathy not being an impediment. Having a conscience is exhausting. Of course for them the obvious self-serving mechanisms work well for dopamine, not to mention the virtually unassailable motive of self-interets/self-protection defending and driving them.
Well said! That's exactly what drives them.
Yes, that is what I've done, lying to him to avoid criticism and anger, lying to others about him to avoid shame
I am only 6 weeks into getting educated on this. You have hit the bulls eye. I am at the fuzzy memory stage and maybe beyond. 26 years of living in this. I had not a clue. Getting smarter now. But need a lot of help. Would like to get out. But how? Don’t want to lose my home. Where would I go. I am 81 but young and very active. I love my animals
OMG THIS HAS BEEN DONE TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE :( I feel heard for the first time
God bless u for uncovering the tactics the enemy uses to destroy our self worth.❤
Thank you for doing these amazing videos! I’m so thankful for the perspective of complex trauma and dysfunctional relationships from a Christian pastor who gets it.
Years later I found the term for this. Whenever I would bring up an event with my mother that put her in a negative light, she would say "that never happened" or "no, this is how it happened." After I got a response to different situations about 10+ times, I had to really question her sanity because there is no way my memory is that bad. Once I started learning about the gaslighting and the effects, I realized how my mother's behavior deteriorated my mental health... can't rememebering whether I locked the door or closed the garage, constand self-doubt :-( On the road to recovery :-)!
My mother is the queen of re-writing history! I was rendered speechless with my jaw dropped to the floor on occasions when she would spin a story that never happened, or what did actually happen but she made up a completely different outcome (of course which put her in a positive light, or her as the victim).
I went no contact 4 years ago, finally at the age of 56! I'm now 60, and trying to heal the best I can with the years I have left in my life.
@@christinelamb1167 When I finally brought up all the childhood memories and abuse to my mom I was in my 40s....she didn't "remember" any of it. Instead she said I just like to focus on the negative instead of the positive, like her. Abusers are all the same.
If this is the first time you've heard of gaslighting, watch this video again.
My prayer at this stage of life in a recent huge life change was "Lord open doors that no man can shut, and shut doors that no man can open, as I walk forward in faith..."
This has been my narcissistic family especially my mother gaslighting all my life. I have felt like that for 40 years. Then last year I started dating a older narcissist
Omg...get out!
@@bellakrinkle9381 I did and I walked away from everyone finally
I have been living like this for two years.
I was disappointed in the gaslighting talk. This is childhood trauma, I didn’t have a spouse to gaslight me……it was done by my family. Gaslighting to an adult is bad…..of course it way worse for a child and their trauma. This discussion truly missed the mark.
I think he's speaking about this like this because gaslighting in childhood makes you susceptible to it even more as an adult.
He's speaking about rejecting gaslighting moving forward.
All that was needed on your part was to apply it to yourself and your own situation. Whether adult to child or adult to adult gaslighting is gaslighting.
@@Gemmarose9012not really
He has plenty of videos that talk about childhood trauma you can find
Thank you ! You are brilliant ! You just described my 25 year awful marriage that I’m lucky to be alive. I have and amTrying to survive a dangerous psychopath who has tried to kill me and denies it all. So much crazy he does he’s a trained undercover informant. Evil. You have helped free me by speaking this truth . Thank God for you and may you be blessed. Thank you 🙏🏻
Siblings can do this too
That's for sure! An adopted father, his enabling wife and a sibling (their kid) together. Yeehaa! Raised this way and still battling it, half a century's worth come November.
But yes, physical violence would be far less destructive and far less abusive. It truly reduces you to the point that even to yourself, you become a frightened animal.
This thing of not being able to talk to them. Critical.
Listening to this in recovery is very hard! It's like my whole 10 year marriage was lived in the
"sunken place" !
Ten years of this, I'm mostly disappointed for our children. They're always the ones who get hurt. 😢
Thank God for grace, mercy, Jesus and Therapy!❤
It’s so sad how many people gaslight to avoid responsibility…
I used to just say “maybe I forgot” now I flip out and call them out in rage 🤣
Very good and fair and logical explanation. Thanks Tim!!
I would point out to my ex-wife you spent $500 that you said you were going to put back into the bank account and she would say you’re exaggerating it was $499 and also I want to note that I never believed her lies about me. It was the sustained stress of the attack that did it and the longer time it was the more affected had on me. I didn’t even feel it until after I get emotional cleanse a year after a break up.
These teachings are the best out there. So grateful for channel!
I have a neighbor who gaslights me when I aske them to keep their trash to themselves and off our property. They don't keep it in bins and it goes everywhere in a storm or strong wind. She actually said for ME to get therapy! We have fought over it for years, every time it's an excuse and she blames ME! So here I am, learning about what she's doing and you are SPOT ON!
They justify their actions and crimes by listing your mistakes even though you didn’t do them on purpose and they are
Oh god you help so much with every video ❤
Right around the 13 minute mark just changed EVERYTHING for me. I thought I was the ONLY person who did that. I never knew this could also be happening to another person on the same level as myself. Wow. Just. Wow.
I’ve been through it. More than once. I figured it out when I was 51. I’ve been recovering for the past 6 years. Recovering has been the hardest work I’ve ever done. 🙏 I appreciate how you described it. Your explanation is spot on.
I needed to hear this to remind myself who I am. Thank you for this video.
my wife fid this to me for years until i figured it out and left
You have help me so much you are the first person for me that makes so much sense. Thank you so much. I will watch your vides over and over again until I get it right. God Bless you I know you are helping allot of people. Gaslighting is what I am definitely going through however I never recognized it or understood it until now....
This was going on my entire life and didn’t have anyone to understand it! I’m 52 and feel it’s too late to recover.
It’s NEVER too late to get the right kind of Help. God Loves You !!! Let God Guide you to the Right Help.
I’m about 15 months out of my toxic marriage. I remember about 3-4 months out, I had this oddly familiar feeling. In my chest, it was warm and comfortable, the dominant feeling was that of familiarity. it was my true authentic self showing back up on the scene. He was gone, first from being who I thought she wanted me to be, then later, from walking on eggshells. It was like a long lost old friend, coming home. I gave him a hug (imaginary) and cried (for real) and said “I’m so sorry I did that to you. I missed you so much, I can’t do this without you, I’m never gonna let anybody make me get rid of you ever again. Anyone who tries is out. I promise”
I’ve stuck to it and I’ve had to cut people out since. Consequently, he’s been with me ever since and it makes me so happy. He has his problems, for sure and we’re working on them but the thought of going back to a toxic relationship now is the stuff of nightmares.
What I was gonna say tho, was that was a few months in. It took a full year before I felt like he really took back over. He had to wrest control from all these parts I had conjured up. I was a mess.
This guy just described my mom. 100%
Grew up with grandparents like this.... my parental guardians since I was 2. I've been learning about mental health from a young age. Has helped me along the way.
My husband was caught stalking his ex for 10 years. He then went to the police and tried to get me arrested for hacking into his phone. He gave me his phone and he knew I was using it. I accidentally came upon information. When the police denied his claims, he went to my doctor and tried to have me admitted to a psychiatric ward. He told me he took a picture of my license plate and the police would take me to the hospital if I didn't admit myself personally. He said actions and motives don't match actions. He denied things he said, his stories always changed and he shifted blame. He pulled therapist into his abuse by telling them false stories.
Wow!
And it doesnt just happen in relationships. Mine was a coworker had 0 love interest. She made me doubt my own mind. I dont trust myself or others. Went from being so happy and confident to a broken scared person. I had major panic attacks driving to work where I knew she was. I have now left that work place. She would tell me im delusional. From there I went down hill
How are you doing now Kirsty? Hope you’re getting better :)
Dude just summed up my last 3 years in 20 mins 😳
Agreed❤
You just put into words exactly what recently happened to me. Its cost me my life im now terminal because my partner was doing this at home and fobbed off at drs and no confidence to complain now my cancer too far gone. Had I not been treated like this at home the drs would of had a force to be reckoned with but I spent all lockdown being gas lite by both partner drs and friends I confided in because they thought he was an angel and I was being cruel to my daughter to split up so I stayed until the point of death. I hope others hear this and don't fall for these tricks that take forever to recover from
Don't give up. Pray the following
I am the living essence of love and I thankfully receive its healing now. I am open to receive more love, more health and more peace now. ❤️
My 21 year marriage was a classic episode of gaslighting. Why I got out.
it was 33 years for me!
My best friend told me that he doesnt think i realize “how bad it was to be a child in my family.” Its weird to hear this lecture as the mystery of my friends comment just kinda slipped away. Idk why im sharing this its just like wow. This information has changed my world and i hope it spreads like wildfire
cherish that friend. he/she speaks truth. that's rare.
I found a letter from my mother to my 10 yo self and when I showed it to my adult son he said "omg I hadn't realised how bad it was!" I didn't know how bad it was because I was constantly gaslit. My own son validated my experience!
Tim your explanation, from age 8, i stopped growing and di exactly as you explain in your video, i responded as a slave to my master mother, until even obedience still didn't make me feel safe, at which time I began thinking of ways to kill her just to preserve my own life, I never went through with it, but I did have to live in that miserable shit whole of a house with her for several more years. What I appreciate about your videos, is the fact your are giving voice to that 8 year old boys life experience, my life experience. It's hard to get out away from a sadistic mother,, when you are 8 years old have no where else to go, and the effects and damage caused on your self respect, your dignity, your soul is life changing, in a toxic way Living in a negative emotional place, is there any other place on earth, its all I know
Wow... I'm speechless. You've verbatim described multiplе relationships I've been in. I'm in therapy so I knew those were toxic but I never understood the ins and outs this profoundly until now. Thank you.
They should be TEACHING this shit in Public Schools, to educate children how screwed up our Fsmilies are.
It's like when they told black people that they were playing the victim and they still say this but cell phone cameras don't lie and the truth eventually reveals itself ...that is one form of gas lighting, when society tells you that your experience isn't important and it's all in your head...so sad how many people have experienced this and doubted themselves. It makes people's sense of self worth less
Sometimes kids see through their mothers religious BS. The neglect is hard to deal with...but I always distrusted her. I have plenty issues, but we aren't always our worst enemy. Not all if us are the same.
I absolutely agree that gaslighters have complex trauma and massive issues with shame. That's the case with the two primary sources of gaslighting in my life, my ex and my eldest brother.
Funnily enough, they've never been able to stand each other. It makes a kind of sense. I suppose neither one likes the reflection they see in that mirror.
You just explained what it's like to be a child-the only reality allowed is the parents perception
Such an eyeopener. Thank you. I always was sure that my 8 year long journey through a toxic and abusive relationship in Israel must have old roots.
I am not religious at all. But now I understand that the feeling underneath that all this stuff is very old and I was already here many many years ago in same situation...
A non jewish surviving in Israel depending on a Narcissist.
...near Jericho....
This is exactly what my maternal figure and ex did. That is why i live alone and screen people.
I live alone now too, and whenever I meet someone new I examine carefully everything they say and do, looking for red flags! I have no more time or energy to devote to abuser, and I'd rather be alone and at peace than with someone who only wants to take advantage of me, or hurt me deliberately.
I like how you said "maternal figure". I have also heard "the woman who gave birth to me". I may start using those terms, rather than "my mother", since she certainly was never that to me!
7 years I spent in this dynamic... it's been almost 4 since I left and I'm still reeling from the effects... but we have 2 little girls also... it's so incredibly difficult.
It take years to recover and having children means you can’t break away completely 😢 I wish you well and good fortune on your healing journey ❤
It's been my experience, in my last relationship, that she was better versed in CPTSD, set me further along on my path to healing so to speak, while I thought she was doing the work on herself.
Instead, what I've pieced together,is that she used this information along with what I opened up to her about, and used it all against me, while putting in very little, if any work in on herself
It's amazing how clear you explained this.
It's been 3 years and i still sometimes have to fight her voice in my head.
It was really telling how many mistakes and things I forgot during the relationship vs after we separated.
I seriously almost never forget or make mistakes now. I was so lost. I was discarded and now I'm so glad.
She made me feel broken. I still have to remind myself that I'm not broken.
I have listened to FF for almost 3 yrs now...just left my S/O..who was to be on this "path " with me but jumped off the wagon (Yea if he ever was really on to begin with, but not my monkey, or my responsibility) after the third strike (umm ok yea literally and proverbially ) in my boundaries I said NO and picked up my beautiful four legged children and bailed .....not my first rodeo IT IS MY LAST with THIS EVIL SPIRITS...listening to this episode (again)......FOUR WORDS COME TO MIND...sometimes I think tim gets his inspiration from being a "FLY ON MY WALL" LOLOL royalties please 🤣🙏💃🤦♀️‼
Wonderful video! I started with much emotion and crying, I was feeling hopeless. Then the message about Paul and Silas and the jailer brought hope, joy and value to me. I do have value and purpose for our Heavenly Abba Father Yahuah!!! Thank you!
I’ve watched a lot about gaslighting. In my narcissistic relationship of 2 years this is what sent me into an absolute spiral. I was in total cognitive dissonance from the moment I woke up to when I went to sleep and I still struggle with this even being out of the relationship for months. It was so constant I got to the point where I could be at work and I thought at any moment in a split second my whole location would be different. I could be at home and just blink and be waiting for the moment when I opened my eyes I could be outside or anywhere else but where I was. I remember constantly disassociating when talking to my grandma with progressive dementia. Sometimes I’d really wonder while talking to her if I was actually my grandma. I felt like it wouldn’t even be a crazy idea that my whole life had passed and I am actually my grandma and the me looking at her was just a complete delusion and that my body wasn’t real. Can you talk about the deep impacts of traumatic gaslighting?
At least you recognize the devastating effects of gaslighting and you will never be sucked into that kind of a relationship again. It plays tricks on your mind. I hope that if you ever meet a clever gaslighter in the future, at the first signs, run!
This is me ,,,,,,,my life with a abuser ,the gas lighter ,I lost my self ,,and I had to run with the police s help ,I would have been murdered if I hadn't got out,lived as a prisoner in my own frightened word ,,god delivered through others ,,,
You’re not alone ❤ Praise God you got out! Now let’s pray for others to get out also🙏💜
I grew up and lived with that from a dad, brother and sister for most of my life. Then was married to someone that did that and then was in a relationship with someone that did that. Dated many people that did that too, ended those immediately! Wished that I had gotten away from the other relationships sooner, as well.
Free now! Five years free of that terrible psychological abuse. I know how to spot the signs and stay away from evil people, now.
Wow this decribes me near 100% your spot on with the Narc partner, great wisdom ive been with one over 12 years its very accurate
Whew smh this is so accurate I’d just left a relationship like this. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, my experience wasn’t my truth . I caught myself blaming myself, but I know deep down in my heart ❤️ I’m not karzy and he’d always told me I had bad memory. He was so charming in the beginning 90 days he’d changed, the verbal abuse , controlling, the threatening, damaging my character. I had a dream imma say a nightmare, I had dream a huge snake wrap me up. I’m screaming to my sister and her husband help me somehow the snake was unraveled. When I got up, he was standing there, looking at me while the snake had me. When I woke up I googled what does dreaming of a snake means. It’s said someone in the dreamers life is around something toxic poisonous etc 😳that very minute I knew it was him . 8 months before I was happy 😊 and a very peaceful person. Love to laugh 😆. None of my friends or family liked him. I’m in the process of getting back to peaceful state of mind and getting my self esteem back.
This is very comprehensive and accurate, like most of your videos.
I have had to go 'no contact' with my own sister because of her gaslighting.
I was abused by my brother, said nothing for years, as is common with abuse survivors, then spoke the truth. As long as I didn't speak up, I could still 'fit in' with my family, as soon as I spoke the truth, I was 'public enemy no:1 and became the problem. She used and attempts to still use gaslighting on me to try and make me doubt my own reality. I'm dangerous to her as a 'truthteller'
but years ago, as little girl, I made the decision to stay true to myself and today I'm stronger.
This is the insidious part of family systems, and as you have described gaslighting is the MOST insidious type of abuse.
I thought procrastination, confusion, desperation, and depression at Art college, which resulted in dropping out was due to repressed childhood trauma, and I believed most of it was, but at the same time, I was in a relationship with someone who also used some of this too I believe.
My group therapist was like this. I wasn’t aware of the narcissist personality type and thought his abuse was therapy (he insisted it was “hard work.”) I did it for five years and the effect has changed my personality and I can’t unchange it.
I know that feeling 😢
State Trustees Australia - HAVE made a business out of this - we need accountability for their damage!
Totally agree!
Thank god I got out of that relationsship after...10 years 🙄
And thanks for the good videos 🇩🇰⚘👍
I did 25 years and left over a decade ago…still struggling with it now to be honest.
I wish you well and good fortune on your journey of healing 😊
Wow. That was the relationship in a nutshell