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Wow. This speaks to my soul. I've tried mediation and trying to let it go. This is the first I've ever heard to feel it. And to nurture that little kid that suppressed all that junk from my abusive dad . I need to learn more because this anger has been ruining my life
in our clan we use a Book to work with the Shadow to face our demons wanna end rage? Borderline Personality Disorder here… know that feeling all too well in this Book write your thoughts verbatim it’s you acknowledging them you do need to write the thought tho for the karma afterward grieve out the emotions that come out of you… sometimes that can take many moons eventually at the other side is a lot of self awareness as to why you felt the way you did and how others just perceive you as the thought no longer bothers you you’ve paid the emotional debt that demon has come to collect for some of us holy eff… Pagan Nation here #indigenous to Europe there is nothing wrong with how you’re programmed to feel a wise mind takes the time to let it out gradually cheers #2Spirit #psychology #adhd #autism
This clip is so important. Having experienced a very traumatic childhood, I have always suppressed anger as it was not safe to express it. I got breast cancer, had surgery & chemo (more trauma), appeared to recover, but failed to change. A few years later, following another major trauma and more suppression, I discovered I had stage IV colon cancer. More surgery & chemo, more trauma to the body. That’s when I discovered Gabor Mate. Sadly, halfway through ‘When the Body says No’, my son passed away suddenly and tragically from complications of addiction to alcohol and prescribed medication. It was the start of lockdown, so I swallowed my grief. A few months later they found a tumour in my lung. I read every one of Gabor’s books, listened to every talk, interview, bought and read every book he quoted from. I finally learned how to process my grief and experience my anger, from the past and the present. Gabor didn’t save my life, he did better than that, he taught me how to save my own life. You don’t need to get cancer or lose a loved one to live your best life. My prescription for anyone in pain - pure and simple TLC, from someone you trust completely and who can let you know that you are loved, no matter what your story is. A compassionate witness to your pain. ❤️
@@lucianaramoslira9851 I wish you all the best on your healing journey - never forget the power you have … we may not be able to cure cancer but we can definitely heal our bodies. I’m living my best life now, regardless of whether I have cancer or not. I’m just focused on healing.
@@jambonsambo hi thanks, yes I’ve tried lots of different ways like punching pillows or going somewhere private where I could scream. But neither of these worked for me, they only allowed me to discharge anger, that’s not the same as processing the underlying cause. What worked for me the most is a weekly session of sound therapy, particularly where there’s a lot of drumming. That usually helps me to shift grief. I’ve bought myself a little drum that I can use at home too when I feel the need to let go. I walk into the ocean, the colder the better, that’s a good way of releasing blocked energy. When you’re put on the spot and it’s not possible to do any of these things, or to release it spontaneously (if there are children around), I lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower and sing. When I’m alone and I’m feeling rage building up over something that’s been brewing, I turn the volume up in my favourite songs and sing along at the top of my lungs - choose the most appropriate song. Try them all and see what works for you, but remember to always know why you’re releasing it, what’s at the root of it, that’s the only way you’ll process it at the same time as discharging it - that’s when you really let it go. Taking 10 deep breaths is another good way to release - it’s simple and it’s quiet but still can do the job! Good luck - and enjoy the journey as you explore. You will feel sooo good when you do.
Oh and forgot to mention - crying and laughing, both great, or laugh till you cry 😂 tears of laughter, tears of sorrow, doesn’t matter, it’s all releasing pent up emotions. I loved laughter yoga when I tried it. 👍🏼
Absolutely. I’ve had so much rage from having a chronic illness that’s incurable and underfunded. I want to let it go but don’t know how. There is so much grief underneath all the anger.
I feel the grief will never leave us! Forgive but never forget... Use that anger/grief to better yourself!!! That energy made us so powerful but we must channel it for betterment and try not to unleash it on the people we love 🙏🏼🌟👑
I like to think that I've become a master of rage (abused by my mother). Just yesterday my girlfriend said something to me that I really couldn't handle and I went in a terrible mental state. Didn't act on it, simply lived through it. Saw myself destroy the whole damn place, felt my chest tighten up, breathing became erratic. Felt like I was about to do really bad things but I just let it ''be'' and sat there has it passed. Felt quite proud of myself because when I was younger things would've happened differently.
I’m proud of you too. I had so much rage yesterday that I was hitting the walls until I bruised my hands. Once the rage was gone I realized just how much pain and sadness is underneath that. I think that’s why I don’t let it out often.
Trauma is a real thing and we do not talk enough about this. I too was abused by my mother and understand how you feel and react. When we have this uncontrollable outbursts, we are simply regressing to our childhood stage. I'm reading some books that are changing my life. They are better than 10 years of therapy. The are: 1) "The Body Keeps the Score, - 2) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA and 3) Healing Your Lost Inner Child: How to Stop Impulsive Reactions, Set Healthy Boundaries and Embrace an Authentic Life
@@memyselfi2005 lets put the adhd aside for a min, anger and rage are surface emotions and not really how you feel in the moment exemple you rage or get angry when the truth is that you instead feel shame, sadeness and hurt We gotta learn how to allow ourselves to feel the REAL emotions we are going through on that moment . Im so proud that you are slowly develloping your self awareness ❤❤❤ Having adhd and complex trauma its a fricking battle guys stay strong people
Don't suppress it or act it out, but allow yourself to experience it. I've never heard anyone give advice like this. Thank you to you both for your wisdom and your personal strength in what you have been through and the pain you have overcome
This is harder to do than it sounds. Allowing yourself to experience it makes the brain feel like it is actively happening all over again. If you are doing this without a good therapist then you must be very strong minded to go there again. This is a natural brain defense mechanism to protect you. This was once very adaptive for survival but in todays world this has become maladaptive.
I feel you, i had experienced for around 10 years, and now i'm doing meditation and volunteer work to cope, it works to some extent, but still when triggered, i still experience overwhelming rage, suppression, confusion and frustration, it could take days to recede.
Understand that under the rage there is usually 50% sadness and 50% powerlessness. Gabor didn’t emphasize enough about the caring or nurturing part about anger and so rage when anger is not expressed and welcomed in a healthy way most of the time because it’s not possible to do so. Give love and compassion to yourself because the rage is a symptôme of something else like I just said before. Don’t condemn the messager (anger/rage or any state), stay in touch with what’s beneath, the conscious of being conscient, the little inner child/baby otherwise called consciousness or awareness. At least we can still feel and process emotions even tho it’s not easy, but actually it’s simple like children can do it when we give them a safe space to do so. Some people are really stuck in their persona (narcissists, psychopaths and others anti sociale) and don’t feel anything except envi and rage, so be grateful to your emotions that give you precious messages so you can thrive and be as humain as a humain can be with the super powers of being able to have compassion and gratitude and so many other blessings. Trust the process, consciousness can never get lost. Let yourself go with the wave because you are the wave and the ocean and trust that the univers always have your best interests and you will always make the best out of it because you know you are love, you are life, you are a infinite multi-dimensional being having a humain experience and nothing can destroy you because energy can’t be destroyed. Not even death does anything, we just change our state of being. So chill out, we are not going anywhere. All is here and now, and forever it will be since consciousness was never born and never dies. Peace to all of us.
I was raised with a family who taught me and my siblings at a young age that anger is good and sadness is weak and bad, my military grandfather would beat us anytime we would cry till eventually we didn't cry anymore so im full of psychotic rage that i cant control sometimes and it painfully reminds me of my grandfather... i am working hard to not turn out like him
imagine the mindset that killing people overseas for souless oligarchs gives you any claim of authority over others emotions is just a very psychopathic mindset to be honest and him dying of old age was him getting off easy.
"taught me and my siblings at a young age that anger is good " Correction - that his anger was good. Yours anger was unacceptable. Crying is a form of anger. Big difference. We need to see that we suppress anger - even when it seems to us that is was "good" and "allowed". It wasn't.
The trauma fueling the rage isn't restricted to childhood. You can still feel completely powerless as an adult facing your boundaries being violated - such as in sexual, physical, religious/spiritual and narcissistic abuse.
Yes and being viiolated in your childhood can put you iinto freeze mode for life which makes you more vulnerable and therefore more likely to be violated again as an adult in the future. It's been a lose - lose situation for me. My anger is so strong that it clouds everything I do.
@@StellaM22 I am so sorry to hear that. It is so hard to deal with. Meditation has been helpful for me, but maybe a doctor could get you access to a therapist? Or maybe there is a charity where you could find support to deal with the trauma. I hope you find people who can help you get through this.
@@StellaM22 somatic therapy. look it up! it deals with exactly what Gabor Mate is saying in this video; body processing instead of brain / mind processing. Dancing is helpful as well; just tap into your stuck anger and sadness, and let the body move you by its own guidance. say things, move, go into trance, and watch the energy move.
I greatly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your trauma. Gabor Mate is my hero. He talks about trauma with empathy, compassion and understanding. Those of us who have trauma need that. We need to be acknowledged for what we’ve gone through and encouraged to work through it.
I agree with that but what we don’t need is to be afraid that we’re going to get very very sick because of what we’ve gotten through and what we’re still going through while we’re trying to heal. I’m just object to how much he scares me and increases my anxiety and dread.
@@mare2723 I would dare to say, everybody has trauma. You will not get sick, or maybe you will. You cannot change what is happening, you have to find ways to live with it. And then you start to heal
It’s a tremendous help when we realize we’re not alone in the world, or these things have happened to others, and we share in those experiences with compassion and without judgment I wish everybody the very best in their journey and remember you don’t get out of it you go through it
@@erismana2105No not everyone kids who had caring well educated and even rich parents don't have any trauma later in life they were safe and happy!!! their lives are obviously easier and they're not broken lol this is why all those who were growing up in a healthy environment can't relate or understand us.
@@sylviacarlson3561Know what for sure? Tim had an entire podcast explaining how he was ready to talk about the sexual abuse he suffered as a child and how he spent years working on himself, and is now doing better, although knowing that the process would still be a long journey for healing.
Every therapist I saw condemned me saying I was preventing therapy from being able to work because I was allowing anger to get in the way and that it was my responsibility to control the anger so that therapy could work. Intuitively I always knew this made no sense since the anger was the symptom on which therapy was needed. I knew I was expressing anger and rage in ways that were not acceptable to others but I had no idea why. I also had no idea that almost all therapists are clueless about this.
Yeah, the person wronged and traumatized as a child is wronged again by so-called experts. We fortunate to have someone like Gabor Maté to shed light on what's really going on.
oh man i seriously despise therapists, they have caused nothing but damage to me. i've researched mostly on my own, like listening to this guy atm for example
@@necrosadotor it's definitely about finding the right and qualified therapist for yourself. Therapists are people and unfortunately some can still be close minded and unfit for their job. Never give up on finding the right therapist (look for ones that specialise in your trauma or issue), because when you find the right one it's quite literally life changing. I've met bad therapists who put me off the whole idea of therapy, and finally now I think I have a good one.
You are “preventing therapy from being able to work” but magically the therapy should still work? 🥴 No, therapist work with the material you present and your willingness to work on yourself. If you already have all the answers skip the therapy.
@@FreedomofSpeech865 You have completely misunderstood my point. Why are you challenging the statement from the therapists as if I am the one making this claim? They ALL said I was preventing therapy from working due to anger. I am not making this up nor talking about myself. And this isn't about having all the answers. The whole point is to challenge the absurd bias in most talk therapists that Mate is illustrating here. Anger and rage are symptoms of trauma and thus they need to be addressed as a PART of therapy. But when a therapist declares therapy a failure because a client is angry and needs to stop being angry so that therapy can then begin its work is insane. And there's no implied suggestion in my comment that any magic is involved. Again, if a client presents material to a therapist in the form of anger and rage the client is almost always rejected because therapists don't want to deal with anger and don't know how. The point here is exactly contradictory to your conclusion about therapy. Therapists do NOT work with the material clients present because, as Mate correctly points out, they don't know how and they don't understand the cause and effect association. Feel free to defend therapists and offer alternate insight. But don't misrepresent what Mate said and what I said and simply proclaim yourself to be right. The statement you are challenging is a direct quote from a therapist: "you (meaning me) are preventing therapy from being able to work due to your anger." So, in essence, you are validating my point about the cluelessness of therapists by mistaking what I attributed to them to have been said or determined by me. I stand by my assertion that if you experienced early life trauma and try to seek support, understanding and proper interventions from a talk therapist you are likely going to waste your time.
There's a lot of "tough love" going around but we always always forget about deep compassion and deeply understanding how to recognize trauma and rage... We use a lighter form of rage to suppress and to discipline the hurt. There I'd so much compassion to be had and to learn still.... Thank you.
It's so powerful for Mate to divulge the rage outbursts at his kids, and how they would be afraid of him. Very humbling thing to admit to, and very relevant. Emotional suppression and alienation create lifelong struggles. This bit on sitting with the feeling and acknowledging it... then investigating and nurturing it, really lands with me. I was conditioned not to investigate or to nurture. It's just so healing to see people open up about their traumas and the consequences to those transgressions. We can learn so much from each other.
"We need to address the boundary breaking which has caused the rage" No. We do not need. We are not psychiatrist. We cannot fix someone being evil. We are not police - we cannot control other people and put them in prison. All we can do - is to feel pain and hurt and anger for us being attacked. This information is needed for our brain. If we block and mask it with patriarchy approach of competition and proving someone to be wrong - we will hide our anger - even when is seems that we are dealing with the anger. WE don't. We deal then with trying to fix mentally ill people. Which will never work fine. Once our brain feels the pain - it will give us advice and correct council how to build our future without evil people around us.
I'm super empathic but had to suppress my emotions for the better part of my life. Now I realized that I have to change to stay happy and healthy. I want to become my true, authentic self ❤❤
It’s videos like these that make me incredibly grateful for the internet. I’ve learned so much from it in my 20 years of living that I otherwise may have learned in 40 years, or perhaps not at all. I am greatly appreciative of the positive difference you are making amongst people, thank you.
Wow. My wife found this for me as I have been going through therapy these past 18months to try and heal from being raised by a narcissistic mother. That rage you speak of and the fact that punching a pillow, or in my case I smashed a wooden pallet to bits, did nothing to quell the rage and as you say just left me feeling more frustrated and angry. Thank you so much for posting this and I look forward to finding more on your channel. 🙏
I’m in therapy for the same thing.. narcissistic abuse from mom. I’m a bit lost and confused but I would like to think I’m on the right journey. Sending you love and compassion and motivation to keep going!
Holy crap...down to the 18mos and everything... I'm at the point in my therapy and trauma work that I'm shedding my copes and crutches so everything feels so raw and visceral and i ...don't want to admit the stupid things i do but YES to finding non psychical solution for rage.
Studied have shown from 30 years ago that anything that mimics hitting (boxing, kicking) is counter productive to rage, as it just creates more rage chemicals, especially in the context of domestic violence, no counselor should ever prescribe this. Running would take an hour to burn off a minute of rage, but is preferable. Self care activities are better yet as noted in the video. Bath, swim, practice relaxing fingers and toes, breathing, just be in a fave relaxed space. May only be able to do one of these at first.
Studied have shown from 30 years ago that anything that mimics hitting (boxing, kicking) is counter productive to rage, as it just creates more rage chemicals, especially in the context of domestic violence, no counselor should ever prescribe this. Running would take an hour to burn off a minute of rage, but is preferable. Self care activities are better yet as noted in the video. Bath, swim, practice relaxing fingers and toes, breathing, just be in a fave relaxed space. May only be able to do one of these at first.
Gabor almost always makes me afraid that I’m gonna get sick because of how much trauma I’ve had and how bad my PTSD still is. I listen to these things for help while I have a spasming stomach from being abandoned by someone I thought was trustworthy and steadfast. They were inappropriate with me and left me alone in a bad situation. Anyone reading this I would really appreciate sincerely good energy sent my way. Already Vibing it your way❤️
Remember, life is not just surviving, it should include experiencing joy. My religion teaches that feeling joy is a sacred experience. Seek and ye shall find.
I’m so sorry. I have experienced a losses like you describe. It is devastating. My best advice is to get help. I found a neuropsychologist who has helped me go from being frozen, angry and very reactionary to a place where I can feel without all the negative emotions taking over. I have also found EMDR therapy very helpful. I am very ill with autoimmune issues. In his book, The Body Says No, he addresses my main disease, Scleroderma. BUT, please know you are in no way doomed to illness. Just being aware of your situation and posting this message puts you ahead. Do what you can to heal. It’s a long process. Be kind to yourself.
Me too. Someone I trusted did the same to me. It's hard to not feel crazy, like it's my fault, or enraged at the arrogance. If you need someone to talk to, maybe it could help for us to relate and help process through this together, best of luck
I was bullied very severely as a child. I was smaller than most people my age and not as strong during the early years of puberty. Taking it was easier than fighting back because fighting back only got me hurt more when I tried it. I suppressed those feelings of anger and rage at what was happening as an automatic survival instinct. It comes out rarely but in force. When I’m relaxing and the TV buttons won’t work, sometimes when I play video games. Other times I have to suppress it again because I’m working or speaking with someone and something they say sets me on a tirade of anger and hate. It’s so difficult to not let it take over. I’m quite surprised that I’ve never inadvertently attacked someone.
There's a book called Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It's about 'inner child healing' which is basically what Gabor is describing here. It's going back to your childhood as you are now (through meditation/visualisation) and supporting that grieving child with the love and care that was needed but absent.
There needs to be more human to human conversations about this. As someone who has had moments of rage that have been life altering. I've always been made out to be a monster. Not someone who like many of this trauma respone was a survivor of multidimensional layers of abuse. The Body Keeps Score was the first time in my life that made me feel human. And not a villian. Thank you two so much.
This was immensely helpful. I’ve known that the rage or anger I have is justified and that some anger or rage is healthy. It’s just been a challenge to find the appropriate way to work through it, while allowing myself to feel what is needed. And additionally, to validate the “little me” inside who endured the pain and needs to be nurtured and comforted through the rage. This video was a treasure to come across my feed tonight, and I wish everyone encouragement, healing, peace and guidance through whatever it is that you have been navigating. Our best days are ahead, and we’ve got this. And God’s got us too. Keep your heads up and keep going!
Unlike other emotions, anger is one that we tend to hold onto, as we feel like a person should not get away with what they done to us. We must then analyze if holding onto it is constructive or beneficial to us, and the answer is always no, it brings us down and ruins our mood; yet the other person is living their life unaware of our anger. So after realizing this we must then understand that it is better to let it go and move on, communicate with the other party if that helps but make sure to do a personal cost vs benefit of anger analysis. This is discussed well in an incredible life changing book called Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.
This comment caught my attention, especially "We must then analyze if holding onto it is constructive or beneficial to us, and the answer is always no, it brings us down and ruins our mood; yet the other person is living their life unaware of our anger." From my perspective it was obvious to rage, exactly so the person who caused it will know your anger which should prevent it from happening again...Also people who trigger, provoke etc won´t understand/don´t care that you are angry, it´s what they wanted to achieve...However if someone can control your emotions you´ve already lost. It´s a double edge sword, i.e how else do you let the person know they went to far, and secondly how to prevent others from getting that out of you in the first place.
OR, the person who shoved the 'anger' down your throat continually over years & is fully & happily aware of your suffering, seeks to embellish it & make it worse all in a quiet calculated subterfuge, never admitting to it or facing it or especially having an honest dialogue about AND they're a previously trusted close relative.
@@LibsRockU There are literally billions of scenarios, and this example you mention definitely does occur. The same method applies as in letting go of the anger though, as it is worthless for ourselves to hold onto it, the difficulty in doing that is the main hurdle.
@@akent46 By premise obviously, of course. Ones experiences are ones actual experiences (YOU may not know that but the 1st person and especially the possible psychopath does)... the vicious jerks that have methodically chosen to destroy that person may not get the last thing.
Thank you for this - I need it right now! For a variety of reasons, I have a lot of rage surfacing. I don't have a lot of experience with processing my anger and have spent much of my life suppressing it. My boundaries were breached as a kid and I couldn't do much about it. When I tried, I was either ignored, laughed at or told that I was an annoyance and a nuisance. As a result, I learned to not have needs...and as a result of that, I feel that many people mistake me for a doormat; a person who just gives (emotionally, in work situations, socially, etc.) and asks for nothing (or very little) in return. When I become depleted from this, I explode. I isolate a lot because people (for the most part) feel draining for me to be around. I totally relate to Tim where he says that stepping into rage and screaming/punching pillows, etc. just encourages more of it: my brain really latches on and wants to ride the waves of rage forever!!! It sort of feels like I am under a spell when this happens - just running on rage... I've been riding the wave for close to a week now. I am approaching the phase of it where I feel exhausted, hungover and depressed - which is the inevitable end of the ride. I am going to work on shifting the focus to my body, as Dr. Maté speaks of here, so I can get the stylus out of this groove. Thank you again - it's comforting to know that I am not alone here!
At the end he’s talking about what’s called being “hyper - present” which means being entirely present with those sensations. You can also try to pinpoint how it wants to be expressed, you can make the “in the moment” change to reflect on that rage and anger differently. Inner child healing helps as well. Meditate, meet them, hug them, play with them. When the rage comes up, hug them. Behind all the rage was tears for me. I love you all.
My first memory with my mother is full of anger. I did not knew her, she left me with my grandparents when I was 1 year old. Somewere , around age of 3 and half she suddenly appears. I remember a huge emotion ..some fear and something good also ..I didn't know how my mother was.. Then I see here..sort of because she didn't even stop to look at me..she goes directly in the house and from there she starts yelling and cying..and telling all sort of bad things to my grandma.. So i begun feeling scared now..at some point I was in front of the room where my mother was(don't remember if I went there or my grandma tooked me) beside my grandma and I could see a figure in the bed with all long hair covering her face..and screaming "Who braught this thing here?? Take her out of my sight"" I left my body somehow..I severly dissociated in that moment.. This happend any time she would see me.. So I got to feel a huge anger that later was increasing as I got to live with her when I was 8 , because she was allways screaming at me , allways in rage. This anger that I tooked as mine (i did not knew how to differentiate by then) it broked my sprit ..and it's still there after 40 years. I lived severe abuse from her, and got to withness violence from her towards my grandma also. I don't know what to do with this anger..it's debilitating me
David R Hawkins’s book “Letting Go, the pathway of surrender” is by far the most life changing book and technique to release the rage, fear and all pent up negative emotions. It’s very much the same, feel the rage in your body but don’t attach a story to it.
Adding journaling to the RAIN mindset. Freely write your thoughts Seeing your anger thoughts on paper makes them look smaller than when they are in your head.
He is such a genius. I never learned about this perception on rage and anger, and how it doesn't necessarily need to be released but rather experienced. Because after all, releasing rage (even in a 'healthy way') is simply another way to detach yourself from experiencing it within isn't it? I needed this video today. Thank you+
Thank you for your insightful comment! It really made the video and the comments of others fully click into place for me :) I'm trying to find a way to help my brother with his rage and myself with emotions I don't have words for, and that concept of the "release" being another avoidance tactic just sent everything home. I hope you're doing well on your own journey 💛
This is great info. As a teacher, having this knowledge of how to help a student work with their anger and rage, rather than pushing them to 'get it under control' seems like a much more effective strategy. Thanks
So much rage came spewing out of me after watching only a few videos from you Dr. Gabor Mate. I salute you, sir. I come from a dysfunctional narcissistic family and i am the youngest. I have been through physical, mental, and narcisstic abuse since i can remember. I am the black sheep and i have so much rage. I have been working to unlearn suppressing my anger and it has been pouring out of me recently. I am the biggest advocate to family members and i have seen so much shit, and yet your autheniticity is bringing mine out. Thank you so very much for your work as its not going underappreciated.
The Self-compassion work by Kristin Neff also helps with the processing of rage. RAIN is helpful only if you can be compassionate towards the space where the anger lives. IFS is excellent for this too. Thank you Tim! I can relate, I used to deal with anger and rage and o realized that it was grief underneath. Loss of dreams I never had too. Embracing it rather than suppressing it.
@@Backinthedase The thing underneath my anger was a feeling of injustice done to me, the world was not fair, and I suffered...Having this clear sense that the world was unjust, created in me a deep sense of avenging the unjust hurt, seeking revenge. Only revenge would heal the injustice. My abusive mother was never able to see me as a defenseless child and kept beating me at any opportunity she could grab. No wonder I had severe asthma before the year of age! All my fantasies of the time when I was in bed, unable to play, or to go to school, were watching her being eaten by a lion, under the bus, or falling from a mountain. I wanted to see her suffer the humiliation she imposed on me...Of course, my fantasies never killed anyone. She lived to be 96, but each success in my life has been obtained by going against what she wanted for me.
Just feeling what it feels in the body does wonders for me. I don‘t act out on anger at all. Never would have imagined something so simple would change my life that drastically
Thank you for this, it's quite reassuring. I'm terrified of entering a murderous rage if I tap into ANY anger at all and instead transmute it into sadness and grief. Maybe just feeling it a little bit won't be dangerous?
I felt confused for a very long time, feeling like something was inherently 'wrong' with me or not being able to control my anger. Feeling like a 'crazy woman' ending up again and again with anger outbursts. Hitting pillows, throwing soft things, or other ways of 'letting it through' - all the things I tried to stop these outbursts - just seemed to fuel my anger (just as you shared, Tim) and strengthened that self-image, making me feel completely desperate. I read stuff about it, watched video's about it, but all with the same effect. Hearing you make the difference between anger and rage made me cry of recognition, the advice of dealing with it through the body makes me feel kind of enthusiastic, and at least hopeful that lashing out or surpressing are not the only possibilities. Thank you for this, thank you both for sharing your experiences so genuinly.
Thank you for sharing this. A recent incident(s) at work triggered rage within me that I hadn't felt in close to a decade. A serious boundary was crossed multiple times, and I found myself trying to "cope" with the rage by minimizing it. This video gave me the answer I was looking for.
Watching videos like this at night help me the next day. I’m more aware that it’s just a feeling. I also visualize what I want to accomplish in my relationships. I imagine my typical response and then regretting it. Then I try to think of different ways to respond and play it out in my mind. What I don’t do is try to imagine a response that will CONTROL the other person. That won’t work out for you! It’s more about what kind of person do you want to be no matter what.
This is gold! I doubt there's a human on this earth who was allowed to feel all her or his feelings at home, school, or work. So many people deal w anger as adults by continuing to suppress it. I was married to one like that. Too polite to be angry. It ruined our relationship. ♥️💯💯💯👏👏👏🌄🌄🌄
I have always struggled with resentments and I'm working on it. I've been in therapy because of it and done the 12 steps with a sponsor. She had me write down all my resentments and how they have affected me so I can see the damage. She also had me write down my part in the resentments in conflicts. It helps you to see what you need to change and do your amends. If you're one of those people who retaliate, it's not worth it not just because of your consequences but also you have to realize these people will get their karma and if they change due to consequences good for them. Plus you don't want to stoop to their level. Resentments only hurt you not the other person. It also helps to understand why people behave how they do for example mental illness nit justifying their behavior though. It can create more compassion and wanting them to do well in my opinion. It takes time, but therapy helps.
Thanks for sharing your story Tim. I was never really interested in your videos before, but being interested in Maté's work makes me more able to empathize with you and glad you are reaching so many and having shared your story. I myself carry this enormous rage you both discusssed.
Gabor Mate is so brilliant! In Tibetan Buddhism we say between suppression and expression, lies observation. Observe your feelings and stay with your feelings and ignore the "Poor Me Narrative" that your head will spin. The knot will unravel itself and the charge will slowly dispel. Golden Sunrise blessings to all who are in pain!
"Running on anger as a corrosive fuel of sorts" I just want to say that is an amazing description of what anger can be - it motivates but it is also so poisonous for the heart!
I count myself fortunate to have come across this video. I’ve had a very unhealthy relationship with my anger and rage and have lived my entire life suppressing it due to being a survivor of CSA as well as having grown up with abusive and religious narcissistic parents. Although I’ve done a lot of work in therapy, it’s still a struggle for me but I really appreciate this video. Thanks Tim and Dr. Maté.
Thich Nhat Hanh also speaks of the R.A.I.N. process, by teaching us to repeatedly recognize, caress and hold our intense emotion as if we were a lovingly responsive parent. “I am my anger, my anger is me”. Gradually over time, the energy of this anger diffuses and disappears. Eventually, I gained compassionate insight into what my anger masked - vulnerable anxiety.
I don't know why but the first few minutes of this actually had me bawling. I loved my parents dearly but it always irritated me when my mom spoke of my half brothers and mourned them. I hate to admit that I was a bully when I was young because I liked the power and control it gave me. I didn't realize it was fear others had but I have overcome all of that in exchange for being kind. I literally hate my anger, and it takes a while for me to become angry but I can process it much better the older I get.
Listening to this reminded me of a very traumatic situation in my childhood. My father was beating me and my grandmother stood there, saying "yes, beat that anger out of him!" I was never allowed to show any signs of anger, or assert myself in any way as a child. That wasn't communicated indirectly to me, it was communicated through beatings and direct verbal commands. Now, 30 years later, I still suffer from this. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even a real human being. The worst thing is, that deep down I still feel like I deserved it, I feel so worthless.
What helped me was experiencing how anger felt throughout the body, then I recall Dr. Joe Dispensa describing how we can become chemically addicted to anger... And I let it flow through me and let it go. Thank you for the video! Also, I would label what is irritability (mood, lack of sleep, hangry) from annoyance (something others are doing) from frustration (situations, no parking, electronics not working etc) and that helped me understand and deal with things in manageable chunks.
My boundaries were infringed constantly over the past few years. I have finally woken up to the government gaslighting. I'm feeling the rage of that currently and trying to process it to become a stronger more resilient person
I tried a guided yin yoga exercise for low back pain recently and I experienced an intense emotional release. Very unexpected but cathartic. It was difficult to name the exact emotions but it felt like anger, rage, grief, sadness and feeling unloved. I was spewing tears and screaming inaudibly screaming. The practice was a moment of kindness I showed myself after months and years of physically and mentally abusing myself to compensate for the fear of being unloved, imperfect, not good enough. Sitting still and nurturing the areas that were causing me chronic pain, was not easy for me but it was so healing! I suffered from a lot of ongoing emotional trauma from my early childhood through my twenties with my upbringing and parents. I repressed a lot of rage and gaslit myself so much to be able to live with the pain, guilt, and shame. After becoming a mother, it was like a veil had lifted, uncovering all the repressed emotions. I’ve been on my healing journey for about two years now and it is definitely not linear. I’m glad to have discovered Dr. Mate’s talks during this time. Sending love and light to all who are suffering and in various stages of their healing journey ❤
Personally, I think sexual or other abuse itself is something children can recover from. The real pain is not having someone to protect your boundaries, to advocate for you. Someone you trust enough to share this horrific event with - knowing without a doubt that they are on your side and will do anything they can to protect you and help you overcome this. That is the real hurt. I think society is too focused on haunting the abuser. They are evil, of course. But the lack of a sound support system truly kills children.
So this just hit me hard I’m finally breaking down my deepest areas that I managed to put away, and boy is this exactly it- I had a healthy and genuine connection with my father who was there for me, who fostered a real relationship with me based on respect and empathy, and then when my csa happened, the women in my family specifically kept him from knowing and began to pry us apart. Now I understand. It wasn’t the trauma that shut me down, it was that my healthiest connection was kept from me because he would have done something and would have protected me. I was right all these years, I wasn’t crazy. That’s why I have more issues with women than with men, because I know men are capable of great harm and was never gaslit for it- I was however gaslit to keep me from being heard, which is what really damaged my heart all these years.
@@melissapatterson3218 I am so sorry you had this experience. You must have felt so lonely and unprotected. I know those feelings very well. Just like the shame that comes with the secrets. I wish you all the best. Oh, and never ever think that you are crazy.
I find your comment confusing .. not wishing to initiate conflict by any means... it would be my experience personally the initial part of your statement would not have been able to occur with out resistance had all the secondary things you mentioned be in place and functional initially ( let us know if I've missed interpreted your comment) ... we are in the grants I believe in the physical act is Minuscule in comparison to say for instance the predatory nature of a inserted father figure as the offender ... understanding the complex predatory strategies used to manipulate the victim and the internal thermal this can perpetuate in terms of self-deprecation and as I now understand to be shame ... it does appear void of any big ticket trauma the good doctor's profound insight from the little bit I have been able to digest attachment is likely from the highlighted aspects in the second half of your comment can quite easily lead to having a profound influence on your being ... I am kind of in all at present as I am struggling to get my head around how I am only just now coming to be aware of the good doctor's work and profoundly insightful teachings ....
@@utubetrutharrowmichael-and9105 Maybe the confusion is that I was also referring to abuse that happens outside the support system-for instance, from a neighbor or a teacher. But even if a parent is the perpetrator, when other family members/caregivers shield and nurture the child, the trauma can heal. I agree that a child who is safe and stable will, as much as possible, prevent abuse from happening.
I have been dealing with a rage response since i was a child. If i imagined some sort of threat, i responded with rage and anger. As an adult i still often respond the same way but i bundle it up inside almost as if i was aiming to hurt my own self by keeping a feeling of hate alive. At 53 im a very calm and controled person except for old and new rages that i keep alive. Its destroying my happiness and i am here in part to learn to live differently. Many thanks.
This really helped me understand why I have so much rage inside of me. Now I can actually take it and examine it with a better perspective. Thank you both for doing this video
Dr Mate’ has been the biggest positive influence in my life. He is a godsend and I am and will always be extremely grateful. His words changed my life, helped me change myself and saved me
All blessings to Tim Ferriss for this honesty and in the hope that he can access EDMR therapy and experiencing the trauma in order to process it. This does not work from the mind/the head/the rational, but the trauma is trapped in your body so it must be processed that way in order to be freed from it. The Body Keeps the Score is the text /research which explains this. x
My somatic therapist gave me a very nice technique to let my anger/rage/fight response out. She said to go to a wall and put your hands against it and push. The wall is solid so it’ll take all your force. I do that and it helps me release. Sometimes I also do a slapping/pushing/kicking motion in the air. Whatever my body feels like doing.
Scrolling through and as far as I went I never read anything about getting on ur knees and praying to god because that works for me I feel a big relief thank you god ❤
And this is why if you are trying to treat the classic symptoms labeled as mental health problems - anxiety and depression mostly - by way of ANY talk therapy model, you are wasting your time because these are symptoms of trauma not causes, and particularly if the trauma occurred in early childhood and particularly if the trauma was a body and boundary invasion of any kind. Identifying the cause, the response and the connection between them and to validate this while focusing in on what the body experiences rather than the mind is essential.
@@HappyMomma412 Appreciate your reply. What do you consider to be a good time and place for talk therapy? My perspective is there is never a good time or place for it because almost none of the models know how to identify and treat the causes and often are connected with medications. I welcome your thoughts as to when you consider talk therapy to be appropriate. I know I don't have a corner on the market when it comes to this topic and would welcome new insight that perhaps I haven't yet considered. What I can say in my own case is that talk therapy of any kind is pointless. The models that work for the early life trauma I experienced all involve multi sensory physical, somatic or arts oriented work rather than just words. And in fact words are least important. My bias is to help inform people that may not realize that there are more options out there should talk therapy not be working for them. Mate's perspective is mostly talk but it is oriented towards "compassionate inquiry" so it has goals, perspectives and structures that most talk therapies do not and particularly as evidenced by his comments about the roles of anger and rage that are almost always improperly addressed in the more common and popular talk therapy models.
@BLAB102 HI. I would have to disagree that ALL talk therapy is a waste of time. I work with a lot of clients who have been traumatised. I help them to understand what triggers them so they can minimize walking into it, coping more effectively with it by listening to their body and nurturing that young child that was discarded and ignored. Yes, I am an exceptional therapist. So, sometimes maybe talk therapy is a waste, BUT not all the time. (smile)
All great advice for wherever we are in our therapy and in our recovery from the experiences that are brought us this rage I have practiced reflection in my therapy for a very long time And I have found the morning process of bringing all that forward to the table and releasing it all one layer at a time due to the fact that nothing happened overnight nothing goes away overnight It’s a process I called watering the emotional garden And it’s wonderful to find out that we’re not alone in the process I wish you all the best shalom!
How? Can you give more details? I am so angry been betrayed in my 20 years marriage. I found texts and caught them with my own eyes. I have so much anger and bitterness. I don’t want it to eat me Alive.
@@dailyambientandsoothingmus687 Good evening I hope this finds you well The best gift that you can give yourself is the gift of forgiveness and if you can’t love yourself, you’re certainly not ready to love anybody else We all contribute to the success or failure of our relationships. Sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be you’re only hurting yourself by not moving forward on your loss and move on make that a part of the gift for yourself every day.
@@raycialkowski4070 wow! Thank You Ray! I have to learn to forgive and love myself. I am going to read your comments to help me reflect and move on with my life
Life is about choices you choose to hold onto that stuff in those memories they hold you hostage and yet you have the keys to set yourself free By no means, am I free from that which I’m talking about I am still practicing life is a segment of moments strong together, live in that one moment and remember to always such yourself free if you’re no good for you you’re no good for anybody
Finally I found the whole person help and heath it's in the Bible but we need someone with the understand and knowledge of mister mate so grateful thank you it is an extra help to clarifying ourselves it not all but it helps me understand my faith in CHRIST it comes from HIM even if your not a believer HE owns everything and made everything so all people's in HIS image Sonya I want healing in the complete person me and others that's why I'm going to keep listening to this man that is a great blessing
I never realized i surpressed my anger as a child and how its now manifesting itself in rage - when he mentioned comes out like a volcano I knew exactly what he meant. RAIN - Recognize, Allow (as in feeling it, nor acting out on it), Investigate--what is this all about, and Nuture your young self that surpressed the anger). I've been struggling with anger and its been mainly towards my own children. Then I'm teaching them to surpress their emotions... I want this cycle to end.
Such an important and relatable video. I was sure that by working out like crazy when I am angry - I can resolve my anger and move on, and I thought I wasn't doing enough. Now I know it probably wasn't the best solution.
When I allowed the rage of Narc abuse and denial now I had to allow the rage to be honored. Going through the rage moment I frlt sick then the tears flooded because under the rage was violation and disrespect to the inner child which needed processing of emotions. 2 years of training now on this very topic I am at peace with me. I gave myself all the time needed to really go through the grief of lossing me through the years and what could have been... rage was : you robbed me of 49 years of my life being hypervigilent , depressed, and anxious, still the scared little me.. the inner child work and training I did was amazing. I was tired of carrying my parents worries and fears...I let go. ❤❤
I just came here after watching a video from a zen buddhist talk about how to deal with anger and rage. His advice was to understand the other person and the fact that they are suffering and that's why they're doing it to you and then redirect your anger/rage with kindness. I felt bypassed and my rage and trauma felt neglected by that advice. This provides more of a healthier approach. I appreciate this. Dr. Gabor Mate is a gem and I hope he has more years in him.
It's a powerless feeling as a child and the triggers I experience now are when there's a feeling of or actual 'authority taking away my power, my autonomy, my voice' That's when the rage just...engulfs me from head to toe...
I've used rage for fuel my whole life , in fact learning to be productive just because I want to be is hard . I'm finally learning that it's a problem . As far as parenting and such I literally connected with a children's charity took classes and it helped me not be as abusive as my parents were but finally near 60 I'm trying to hug the child I was and learn things from Mr Mate and others. This is all so perfect I wish I had known so much sooner. I'm going to share this with my children I hope they take it seriously ❣️🙏❣️
@Jdraws try counting down from ten, or walk away from him or pray for God to help you be patient . I know six year olds are a serious pain in the butt for real. Just please be careful you don't ever get physical because your whole life could be ruined if you injure him . God bless you ! ❣️
Thank you for sharing and having the courage to forge onward with your own healing/balancing journey. It's such an important part of why we are alive. I know I have benefited from your input. So, thank you very much!
@@settokiber tell the makers of the pill ,but ,since I did get pregnant I took parenting classes and therapy and changed my whole life around to be a great mom.
Thanks guys for the Pearls of Wisdom. Due to childhood issues, struggling with rage throughout my life. Still trying to cope with it but now I feel I've been blessed to have had the opportunity to watch this vid clip. Thank you ever so much.
Just last evening for the first time in my whole life I found this teaching and channels with this doctor so I was praying and was all done I gave up finally for real and I've been on UA-cam 3 years and your face popped up out nowhere because I was looking for help even now in my hopeless for help with my crack addition if 25 years and I've been thinking of ending my miserable life but now this morning I have a glimmer of hope to understand my myself my condition yes I'm 62 now I was abused and every kind if trauma you can think of since I was born and two little siblings also horrendous abuse and torture by our father and others men and women in our own family all our young lives till well over our teens from everyone everywhere in school you know what I'm saying I've si broken and I'm a Christian a believer in CHRIST JESUS alone GOD wonderful FATHER but no one really has satisfied my needs to understand ourselves more clearly and knowing more to use first on myself and in me and out relationships
For whatever its worth, you look even healthier than you were the previous talk with Dr. Gabor Mate! And it was so helpful to know why my rage has intensified and got bigger. It is a challenge for me to stay in my body when I get set off.
Sometimes I also wonder about how much rage the Palestinian and Iraqi people must feel about recent or relatively recent history. Some people still get mad about what other countries did thousands of years ago, not just what a kid or parent did last incident! Thank you Jesus for all you have done to try and defuse the rage humanity is causing.
I believe anger comes from repressed hurt. I think part of getting back to who you really are is to address and process all the emotions of the hurt. What do you think? :)
I agree, but you have to choose carefully who you will ask to help you do this. A trusted loyal friend who has your best interests at heart is by far the best, but if you have to choose a therapist, try one session and if it doesn’t feel right, move on swiftly - don’t think of it as a waste of time or money, you will always learn from the experience. It’s a tragic waste if you stay with the wrong person or the wrong modality for you, and can in fact be very harmful. What you’re looking for is a compassionate witness to your pain, for you to have any chance of healing, it has to be about you and only you. You can return the favour another time if it’s a friend. Trust, compassion and a good rapport are the key ingredients. Though it will be painful, you should still feel good on a deeper level.
I believe Gabor is talking about experiencing rage through somatic experiencing which is different (neurologically speaking) than acting out rage, because it is more like having a direct experience with it rather than putting it through a filter of expression. This can be guided and is healthy to set up in stages because of that volcano effect.
I see it like this - it is not complex. Wheel of emotion chart shows us all primary emotions -like happiness, sadness, confusion, disgust. We handle this emotions naturally - without books or therapy. It is anger the problem because we were told as kids that our errors are our identity. We need to handle and process our anger - just in the same manner as all other emotions - allow it. We do not suppress happiness. We do not suppress disgust. We do not suppress fear. We flow through it. That is all. All we need is to feel the anger - so that our brain can sort it out and help us in the future how to handle problems.
Thank you Tim for sharing this here. Today I realised on a deeper level (things sunk in more) that at nearly 42 I still do not know how to regulate myself, mainly the anger I experience. It builds up to a point and then there is nothing I can do to let it go. I found tonight that it had come down to a manageable level after scrolling on IG for 2 hours like a zombie. Then I realised I need to find a way to regulate myself in a healthy way. Because I get so mad my body is shaking and I feel like jekyl and hyde. Then the shame sinks in. All I want to do is smash anything that breaks. I know it would feel and sound good. So here I am at the start of learning. What I got from this is that when I recignise that I'm next level mad, that I need to take myself into a different room, probably sit on the floor against a wall, and just feel, and let it pass through. I hope this helps me and I hope you have found something that helps you. 😊
Wow, great clip. It would suggest to me that if you encounter and allow the full range of feelings that represent your earlier traumas you have to hold enough space cognitively to recognise what is happening but also bring words of meaning and self compassion. Not an easy task by any means. Revealing your trauma socially brings with it another set of hurdles as everyone has an opinion and compassion is not guaranteed. Again, great interview from two powerhouses in their fields.....respect 🙏
RAIN is the best advice I've ever heard. That clip of advice and understanding it has helped me so much today..I will remember it, and carry it with me. Thankyou so much.
Wow!! I literally was searching on youtube for how to get through my deep seeded anger. This clip was SOOOO powerful to me! When my boundaries are crossed or if I am triggered, I will get angry, but I never want to hit someone or throw things, which is good. It is purely just me raising my voice and talking over that person so I am heard. I was physically and sexually abused as a child and I know it is rooted there. I feel horrible at the time when it happens and guilty from allowing my "volcano to erupt"! I know I need to work on this daily and see a professional to help me through processing this! Thank you for this clip!! It gives me hope!!❤
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The music at the beginning is too effing loud for my nerves.
@@duelenigma7732 Use Your Moment Rage dont let it Melt over hours fast and quick
abuse survivor. let that rage out
Wow. This speaks to my soul. I've tried mediation and trying to let it go. This is the first I've ever heard to feel it. And to nurture that little kid that suppressed all that junk from my abusive dad . I need to learn more because this anger has been ruining my life
in our clan we use a Book to work with the Shadow to face our demons
wanna end rage?
Borderline Personality Disorder here… know that feeling all too well
in this Book write your thoughts verbatim it’s you acknowledging them
you do need to write the thought tho for the karma
afterward grieve out the emotions that come out of you… sometimes that can take many moons
eventually at the other side is a lot of self awareness as to why you felt the way you did and how others just perceive you
as the thought no longer bothers you
you’ve paid the emotional debt that demon has come to collect
for some of us holy eff…
Pagan Nation here #indigenous to Europe
there is nothing wrong with how you’re programmed to feel
a wise mind takes the time to let it out gradually
cheers
#2Spirit #psychology #adhd #autism
This clip is so important. Having experienced a very traumatic childhood, I have always suppressed anger as it was not safe to express it. I got breast cancer, had surgery & chemo (more trauma), appeared to recover, but failed to change. A few years later, following another major trauma and more suppression, I discovered I had stage IV colon cancer. More surgery & chemo, more trauma to the body. That’s when I discovered Gabor Mate. Sadly, halfway through ‘When the Body says No’, my son passed away suddenly and tragically from complications of addiction to alcohol and prescribed medication. It was the start of lockdown, so I swallowed my grief. A few months later they found a tumour in my lung. I read every one of Gabor’s books, listened to every talk, interview, bought and read every book he quoted from. I finally learned how to process my grief and experience my anger, from the past and the present. Gabor didn’t save my life, he did better than that, he taught me how to save my own life. You don’t need to get cancer or lose a loved one to live your best life. My prescription for anyone in pain - pure and simple TLC, from someone you trust completely and who can let you know that you are loved, no matter what your story is. A compassionate witness to your pain. ❤️
@@lucianaramoslira9851 I wish you all the best on your healing journey - never forget the power you have … we may not be able to cure cancer but we can definitely heal our bodies. I’m living my best life now, regardless of whether I have cancer or not. I’m just focused on healing.
@@valtracey6180 thank you from my heart. Muchas gracias desde mi corazón❤❤
Thanks for sharing your experience.How did you process and experience your anger? I feel very stuck in that sense
@@jambonsambo hi
thanks, yes I’ve tried lots of different ways like punching pillows or going somewhere private where I could scream. But neither of these worked for me, they only allowed me to discharge anger, that’s not the same as processing the underlying cause. What worked for me the most is a weekly session of sound therapy, particularly where there’s a lot of drumming. That usually helps me to shift grief. I’ve bought myself a little drum that I can use at home too when I feel the need to let go. I walk into the ocean, the colder the better, that’s a good way of releasing blocked energy. When you’re put on the spot and it’s not possible to do any of these things, or to release it spontaneously (if there are children around), I lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower and sing. When I’m alone and I’m feeling rage building up over something that’s been brewing, I turn the volume up in my favourite songs and sing along at the top of my lungs - choose the most appropriate song. Try them all and see what works for you, but remember to always know why you’re releasing it, what’s at the root of it, that’s the only way you’ll process it at the same time as discharging it - that’s when you really let it go. Taking 10 deep breaths is another good way to release - it’s simple and it’s quiet but still can do the job! Good luck - and enjoy the journey as you explore. You will feel sooo good when you do.
Oh and forgot to mention - crying and laughing, both great, or laugh till you cry 😂 tears of laughter, tears of sorrow, doesn’t matter, it’s all releasing pent up emotions. I loved laughter yoga when I tried it. 👍🏼
Rage is also about grief…of all the loss that goes hand in hand with suppression of the ‘true’ self…
You just said a lot of truth🦋💐
...and all that's been lost along the way : (
💜
Absolutely. I’ve had so much rage from having a chronic illness that’s incurable and underfunded. I want to let it go but don’t know how. There is so much grief underneath all the anger.
I feel the grief will never leave us! Forgive but never forget... Use that anger/grief to better yourself!!! That energy made us so powerful but we must channel it for betterment and try not to unleash it on the people we love 🙏🏼🌟👑
I like to think that I've become a master of rage (abused by my mother). Just yesterday my girlfriend said something to me that I really couldn't handle and I went in a terrible mental state. Didn't act on it, simply lived through it. Saw myself destroy the whole damn place, felt my chest tighten up, breathing became erratic. Felt like I was about to do really bad things but I just let it ''be'' and sat there has it passed. Felt quite proud of myself because when I was younger things would've happened differently.
I’m proud of you too. I had so much rage yesterday that I was hitting the walls until I bruised my hands. Once the rage was gone I realized just how much pain and sadness is underneath that. I think that’s why I don’t let it out often.
Trauma is a real thing and we do not talk enough about this. I too was abused by my mother and understand how you feel and react. When we have this uncontrollable outbursts, we are simply regressing to our childhood stage. I'm reading some books that are changing my life. They are better than 10 years of therapy. The are: 1) "The Body Keeps the Score, - 2) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA and 3) Healing Your Lost Inner Child: How to Stop Impulsive Reactions, Set Healthy Boundaries and Embrace an Authentic Life
Good job
@@memyselfi2005 lets put the adhd aside for a min, anger and rage are surface emotions and not really how you feel in the moment exemple you rage or get angry when the truth is that you instead feel shame, sadeness and hurt
We gotta learn how to allow ourselves to feel the REAL emotions we are going through on that moment .
Im so proud that you are slowly develloping your self awareness ❤❤❤
Having adhd and complex trauma its a fricking battle guys stay strong people
@@olgamelo5227 thank you soo much❤
Don't suppress it or act it out, but allow yourself to experience it. I've never heard anyone give advice like this. Thank you to you both for your wisdom and your personal strength in what you have been through and the pain you have overcome
Thank you so much for commenting and all the best to you.
yes. It's like the half-path.
Jazzy I agree, another way of saying it is The Law of Karma always working ❤
This is harder to do than it sounds. Allowing yourself to experience it makes the brain feel like it is actively happening all over again. If you are doing this without a good therapist then you must be very strong minded to go there again. This is a natural brain defense mechanism to protect you. This was once very adaptive for survival but in todays world this has become maladaptive.
Doesn’t say how to “experience” it . Just talked in circles.
Ive been dealing with this overflowing rage on a daily basis. Allowing myself to sit with it is exhausting ! It never ends. 😢
I feel you, i had experienced for around 10 years, and now i'm doing meditation and volunteer work to cope, it works to some extent, but still when triggered, i still experience overwhelming rage, suppression, confusion and frustration, it could take days to recede.
Mushrooms can help
@@melissasmuse that doesn't help in the long term
Understand that under the rage there is usually 50% sadness and 50% powerlessness. Gabor didn’t emphasize enough about the caring or nurturing part about anger and so rage when anger is not expressed and welcomed in a healthy way most of the time because it’s not possible to do so.
Give love and compassion to yourself because the rage is a symptôme of something else like I just said before. Don’t condemn the messager (anger/rage or any state), stay in touch with what’s beneath, the conscious of being conscient, the little inner child/baby otherwise called consciousness or awareness.
At least we can still feel and process emotions even tho it’s not easy, but actually it’s simple like children can do it when we give them a safe space to do so.
Some people are really stuck in their persona (narcissists, psychopaths and others anti sociale) and don’t feel anything except envi and rage, so be grateful to your emotions that give you precious messages so you can thrive and be as humain as a humain can be with the super powers of being able to have compassion and gratitude and so many other blessings.
Trust the process, consciousness can never get lost. Let yourself go with the wave because you are the wave and the ocean and trust that the univers always have your best interests and you will always make the best out of it because you know you are love, you are life, you are a infinite multi-dimensional being having a humain experience and nothing can destroy you because energy can’t be destroyed. Not even death does anything, we just change our state of being. So chill out, we are not going anywhere. All is here and now, and forever it will be since consciousness was never born and never dies.
Peace to all of us.
Same here
I was raised with a family who taught me and my siblings at a young age that anger is good and sadness is weak and bad, my military grandfather would beat us anytime we would cry till eventually we didn't cry anymore so im full of psychotic rage that i cant control sometimes and it painfully reminds me of my grandfather... i am working hard to not turn out like him
imagine the mindset that killing people overseas for souless oligarchs gives you any claim of authority over others emotions is just a very psychopathic mindset to be honest and him dying of old age was him getting off easy.
undiagnosed PTSD sucks doesent it.
geez
"taught me and my siblings at a young age that anger is good "
Correction - that his anger was good. Yours anger was unacceptable.
Crying is a form of anger.
Big difference.
We need to see that we suppress anger - even when it seems to us that is was "good" and "allowed". It wasn't.
I am so sorry that happened to you
The trauma fueling the rage isn't restricted to childhood. You can still feel completely powerless as an adult facing your boundaries being violated - such as in sexual, physical, religious/spiritual and narcissistic abuse.
Yes and being viiolated in your childhood can put you iinto freeze mode for life which makes you more vulnerable and therefore more likely to be violated again as an adult in the future. It's been a lose - lose situation for me. My anger is so strong that it clouds everything I do.
How do we heal this ive had it all im no longer coping with life
@@StellaM22 I am so sorry to hear that. It is so hard to deal with. Meditation has been helpful for me, but maybe a doctor could get you access to a therapist? Or maybe there is a charity where you could find support to deal with the trauma. I hope you find people who can help you get through this.
@@StellaM22 somatic therapy. look it up! it deals with exactly what Gabor Mate is saying in this video; body processing instead of brain / mind processing. Dancing is helpful as well; just tap into your stuck anger and sadness, and let the body move you by its own guidance. say things, move, go into trance, and watch the energy move.
Being destroyed by a covert narc with no way out
I greatly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your trauma. Gabor Mate is my hero. He talks about trauma with empathy, compassion and understanding.
Those of us who have trauma need that. We need to be acknowledged for what we’ve gone through and encouraged to work through it.
I agree with that but what we don’t need is to be afraid that we’re going to get very very sick because of what we’ve gotten through and what we’re still going through while we’re trying to heal. I’m just object to how much he scares me and increases my anxiety and dread.
@@mare2723 I would dare to say, everybody has trauma. You will not get sick, or maybe you will. You cannot change what is happening, you have to find ways to live with it. And then you start to heal
It’s a tremendous help when we realize we’re not alone in the world, or these things have happened to others, and we share in those experiences with compassion and without judgment
I wish everybody the very best in their journey and remember you don’t get out of it you go through it
Everyone has "trauma"
@@erismana2105No not everyone kids who had caring well educated and even rich parents don't have any trauma later in life they were safe and happy!!! their lives are obviously easier and they're not broken lol this is why all those who were growing up in a healthy environment can't relate or understand us.
Tim, you are a brave soul to admit your abuse. All respect and good luck with your journey.
@@UA-camCensorshipTo his credit it’s working.
@@UA-camCensorship how do you know for sure?
@@sylviacarlson3561Know what for sure? Tim had an entire podcast explaining how he was ready to talk about the sexual abuse he suffered as a child and how he spent years working on himself, and is now doing better, although knowing that the process would still be a long journey for healing.
Are you deaf?@@sylviacarlson3561
Every therapist I saw condemned me saying I was preventing therapy from being able to work because I was allowing anger to get in the way and that it was my responsibility to control the anger so that therapy could work. Intuitively I always knew this made no sense since the anger was the symptom on which therapy was needed. I knew I was expressing anger and rage in ways that were not acceptable to others but I had no idea why. I also had no idea that almost all therapists are clueless about this.
Yeah, the person wronged and traumatized as a child is wronged again by so-called experts. We fortunate to have someone like Gabor Maté to shed light on what's really going on.
oh man i seriously despise therapists, they have caused nothing but damage to me. i've researched mostly on my own, like listening to this guy atm for example
@@necrosadotor it's definitely about finding the right and qualified therapist for yourself. Therapists are people and unfortunately some can still be close minded and unfit for their job. Never give up on finding the right therapist (look for ones that specialise in your trauma or issue), because when you find the right one it's quite literally life changing. I've met bad therapists who put me off the whole idea of therapy, and finally now I think I have a good one.
You are “preventing therapy from being able to work” but magically the therapy should still work? 🥴 No, therapist work with the material you present and your willingness to work on yourself. If you already have all the answers skip the therapy.
@@FreedomofSpeech865 You have completely misunderstood my point. Why are you challenging the statement from the therapists as if I am the one making this claim? They ALL said I was preventing therapy from working due to anger. I am not making this up nor talking about myself. And this isn't about having all the answers. The whole point is to challenge the absurd bias in most talk therapists that Mate is illustrating here. Anger and rage are symptoms of trauma and thus they need to be addressed as a PART of therapy. But when a therapist declares therapy a failure because a client is angry and needs to stop being angry so that therapy can then begin its work is insane. And there's no implied suggestion in my comment that any magic is involved. Again, if a client presents material to a therapist in the form of anger and rage the client is almost always rejected because therapists don't want to deal with anger and don't know how. The point here is exactly contradictory to your conclusion about therapy. Therapists do NOT work with the material clients present because, as Mate correctly points out, they don't know how and they don't understand the cause and effect association.
Feel free to defend therapists and offer alternate insight. But don't misrepresent what Mate said and what I said and simply proclaim yourself to be right.
The statement you are challenging is a direct quote from a therapist: "you (meaning me) are preventing therapy from being able to work due to your anger." So, in essence, you are validating my point about the cluelessness of therapists by mistaking what I attributed to them to have been said or determined by me.
I stand by my assertion that if you experienced early life trauma and try to seek support, understanding and proper interventions from a talk therapist you are likely going to waste your time.
There's a lot of "tough love" going around but we always always forget about deep compassion and deeply understanding how to recognize trauma and rage... We use a lighter form of rage to suppress and to discipline the hurt. There I'd so much compassion to be had and to learn still.... Thank you.
We do this generational curse due to patriarchy system installed by vatican 2000 years ago
It's so powerful for Mate to divulge the rage outbursts at his kids, and how they would be afraid of him. Very humbling thing to admit to, and very relevant. Emotional suppression and alienation create lifelong struggles. This bit on sitting with the feeling and acknowledging it... then investigating and nurturing it, really lands with me. I was conditioned not to investigate or to nurture. It's just so healing to see people open up about their traumas and the consequences to those transgressions. We can learn so much from each other.
anger and rage are magnified when we try to push through it.
We need to address the boundary breaking which has caused the rage
What do you do when a boundary has been broken and you have no control over correcting it? (ie, a total stranger is crossing your boundary)
@@brynn.grumstrupjust tell em straight up right there in that moment. Give em what they’re giving you. I still have a hard time doing this myself
@@maryam-ee1ex "just tell em straight up right there in that moment."
In real life this approach usually ends as femicide.
"We need to address the boundary breaking which has caused the rage"
No.
We do not need.
We are not psychiatrist. We cannot fix someone being evil.
We are not police - we cannot control other people and put them in prison.
All we can do - is to feel pain and hurt and anger for us being attacked.
This information is needed for our brain. If we block and mask it with patriarchy approach of competition and proving someone to be wrong - we will hide our anger - even when is seems that we are dealing with the anger.
WE don't.
We deal then with trying to fix mentally ill people. Which will never work fine.
Once our brain feels the pain - it will give us advice and correct council how to build our future without evil people around us.
@@maryam-ee1exthat would end in a physical fight
I'm super empathic but had to suppress my emotions for the better part of my life. Now I realized that I have to change to stay happy and healthy. I want to become my true, authentic self ❤❤
Dr. Mate is a treasure to humanity ❤️
Absolutely! He's my hero.
@@marjol3in mine too ❤️ so grateful to this wonderful man
@@anxiouscucumber9 hasn't he got a R Mitchum 's demeanor ?
It’s videos like these that make me incredibly grateful for the internet. I’ve learned so much from it in my 20 years of living that I otherwise may have learned in 40 years, or perhaps not at all. I am greatly appreciative of the positive difference you are making amongst people, thank you.
Wow. My wife found this for me as I have been going through therapy these past 18months to try and heal from being raised by a narcissistic mother.
That rage you speak of and the fact that punching a pillow, or in my case I smashed a wooden pallet to bits, did nothing to quell the rage and as you say just left me feeling more frustrated and angry.
Thank you so much for posting this and I look forward to finding more on your channel. 🙏
I’m in therapy for the same thing.. narcissistic abuse from mom. I’m a bit lost and confused but I would like to think I’m on the right journey. Sending you love and compassion and motivation to keep going!
Holy crap...down to the 18mos and everything... I'm at the point in my therapy and trauma work that I'm shedding my copes and crutches so everything feels so raw and visceral and i ...don't want to admit the stupid things i do but YES to finding non psychical solution for rage.
Studied have shown from 30 years ago that anything that mimics hitting (boxing, kicking) is counter productive to rage, as it just creates more rage chemicals, especially in the context of domestic violence, no counselor should ever prescribe this. Running would take an hour to burn off a minute of rage, but is preferable. Self care activities are better yet as noted in the video. Bath, swim, practice relaxing fingers and toes, breathing, just be in a fave relaxed space. May only be able to do one of these at first.
Studied have shown from 30 years ago that anything that mimics hitting (boxing, kicking) is counter productive to rage, as it just creates more rage chemicals, especially in the context of domestic violence, no counselor should ever prescribe this. Running would take an hour to burn off a minute of rage, but is preferable. Self care activities are better yet as noted in the video. Bath, swim, practice relaxing fingers and toes, breathing, just be in a fave relaxed space. May only be able to do one of these at first.
Gabor almost always makes me afraid that I’m gonna get sick because of how much trauma I’ve had and how bad my PTSD still is. I listen to these things for help while I have a spasming stomach from being abandoned by someone I thought was trustworthy and steadfast. They were inappropriate with me and left me alone in a bad situation. Anyone reading this I would really appreciate sincerely good energy sent my way. Already Vibing it your way❤️
I’m so sorry u have to go through this. I really hope ur able to process what you’ve been through in the healthiest and safe way for urself.
Remember, life is not just surviving, it should include experiencing joy. My religion teaches that feeling joy is a sacred experience. Seek and ye shall find.
I’m so sorry. I have experienced a losses like you describe. It is devastating. My best advice is to get help. I found a neuropsychologist who has helped me go from being frozen, angry and very reactionary to a place where I can feel without all the negative emotions taking over.
I have also found EMDR therapy very helpful.
I am very ill with autoimmune issues. In his book, The Body Says No, he addresses my main disease, Scleroderma. BUT, please know you are in no way doomed to illness. Just being aware of your situation and posting this message puts you ahead. Do what you can to heal. It’s a long process. Be kind to yourself.
Me too. Someone I trusted did the same to me. It's hard to not feel crazy, like it's my fault, or enraged at the arrogance. If you need someone to talk to, maybe it could help for us to relate and help process through this together, best of luck
Compassion and healing to you all here.
I was bullied very severely as a child. I was smaller than most people my age and not as strong during the early years of puberty. Taking it was easier than fighting back because fighting back only got me hurt more when I tried it. I suppressed those feelings of anger and rage at what was happening as an automatic survival instinct. It comes out rarely but in force. When I’m relaxing and the TV buttons won’t work, sometimes when I play video games. Other times I have to suppress it again because I’m working or speaking with someone and something they say sets me on a tirade of anger and hate. It’s so difficult to not let it take over. I’m quite surprised that I’ve never inadvertently attacked someone.
❤
Its hard to imagine the wonderful Mr Mate being full of rage as he is so gentle and composed.
Remind me of Dr. Ben Carson. He almost killed somebody when he was younger and he totally turned his life around.
There's a book called Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It's about 'inner child healing' which is basically what Gabor is describing here. It's going back to your childhood as you are now (through meditation/visualisation) and supporting that grieving child with the love and care that was needed but absent.
Interesting. Part of my healing has been being this person for my children that I needed as a child.
@@PlayshotKalo
Yup same.
Life changing book for me !!!
Does it help??? I am desperately looking for answers...
@@TA-cb1cn hi is really helpful?...I just keep buying books....
There needs to be more human to human conversations about this. As someone who has had moments of rage that have been life altering. I've always been made out to be a monster. Not someone who like many of this trauma respone was a survivor of multidimensional layers of abuse. The Body Keeps Score was the first time in my life that made me feel human. And not a villian.
Thank you two so much.
I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions. This hits hard
Same.
This was immensely helpful. I’ve known that the rage or anger I have is justified and that some anger or rage is healthy. It’s just been a challenge to find the appropriate way to work through it, while allowing myself to feel what is needed. And additionally, to validate the “little me” inside who endured the pain and needs to be nurtured and comforted through the rage. This video was a treasure to come across my feed tonight, and I wish everyone encouragement, healing, peace and guidance through whatever it is that you have been navigating. Our best days are ahead, and we’ve got this. And God’s got us too. Keep your heads up and keep going!
Unlike other emotions, anger is one that we tend to hold onto, as we feel like a person should not get away with what they done to us. We must then analyze if holding onto it is constructive or beneficial to us, and the answer is always no, it brings us down and ruins our mood; yet the other person is living their life unaware of our anger. So after realizing this we must then understand that it is better to let it go and move on, communicate with the other party if that helps but make sure to do a personal cost vs benefit of anger analysis. This is discussed well in an incredible life changing book called Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.
This comment caught my attention, especially "We must then analyze if holding onto it is constructive or beneficial to us, and the answer is always no, it brings us down and ruins our mood; yet the other person is living their life unaware of our anger." From my perspective it was obvious to rage, exactly so the person who caused it will know your anger which should prevent it from happening again...Also people who trigger, provoke etc won´t understand/don´t care that you are angry, it´s what they wanted to achieve...However if someone can control your emotions you´ve already lost. It´s a double edge sword, i.e how else do you let the person know they went to far, and secondly how to prevent others from getting that out of you in the first place.
@@Proposal12 100% 😊 we think our thoughts and emotions aren't a choice, yet they are.
OR, the person who shoved the 'anger' down your throat continually over years & is fully & happily aware of your suffering, seeks to embellish it & make it worse all in a quiet calculated subterfuge, never admitting to it or facing it or especially having an honest dialogue about AND they're a previously trusted close relative.
@@LibsRockU There are literally billions of scenarios, and this example you mention definitely does occur. The same method applies as in letting go of the anger though, as it is worthless for ourselves to hold onto it, the difficulty in doing that is the main hurdle.
@@akent46 By premise obviously, of course. Ones experiences are ones actual experiences (YOU may not know that but the 1st person and especially the possible psychopath does)... the vicious jerks that have methodically chosen to destroy that person may not get the last thing.
Thank you for this - I need it right now! For a variety of reasons, I have a lot of rage surfacing. I don't have a lot of experience with processing my anger and have spent much of my life suppressing it. My boundaries were breached as a kid and I couldn't do much about it. When I tried, I was either ignored, laughed at or told that I was an annoyance and a nuisance. As a result, I learned to not have needs...and as a result of that, I feel that many people mistake me for a doormat; a person who just gives (emotionally, in work situations, socially, etc.) and asks for nothing (or very little) in return. When I become depleted from this, I explode. I isolate a lot because people (for the most part) feel draining for me to be around.
I totally relate to Tim where he says that stepping into rage and screaming/punching pillows, etc. just encourages more of it: my brain really latches on and wants to ride the waves of rage forever!!! It sort of feels like I am under a spell when this happens - just running on rage... I've been riding the wave for close to a week now. I am approaching the phase of it where I feel exhausted, hungover and depressed - which is the inevitable end of the ride. I am going to work on shifting the focus to my body, as Dr. Maté speaks of here, so I can get the stylus out of this groove. Thank you again - it's comforting to know that I am not alone here!
You are not alone.
How has your healing journey been? Sending good energy, and hope I can lessen my own rage as well
At the end he’s talking about what’s called being “hyper - present” which means being entirely present with those sensations. You can also try to pinpoint how it wants to be expressed, you can make the “in the moment” change to reflect on that rage and anger differently. Inner child healing helps as well. Meditate, meet them, hug them, play with them. When the rage comes up, hug them. Behind all the rage was tears for me. I love you all.
My first memory with my mother is full of anger.
I did not knew her, she left me with my grandparents when I was 1 year old. Somewere , around age of 3 and half she suddenly appears. I remember a huge emotion ..some fear and something good also ..I didn't know how my mother was..
Then I see here..sort of because she didn't even stop to look at me..she goes directly in the house and from there she starts yelling and cying..and telling all sort of bad things to my grandma..
So i begun feeling scared now..at some point I was in front of the room where my mother was(don't remember if I went there or my grandma tooked me) beside my grandma and I could see a figure in the bed with all long hair covering her face..and screaming "Who braught this thing here?? Take her out of my sight""
I left my body somehow..I severly dissociated in that moment..
This happend any time she would see me..
So I got to feel a huge anger that later was increasing as I got to live with her when I was 8 , because she was allways screaming at me , allways in rage.
This anger that I tooked as mine (i did not knew how to differentiate by then) it broked my sprit ..and it's still there after 40 years.
I lived severe abuse from her, and got to withness violence from her towards my grandma also.
I don't know what to do with this anger..it's debilitating me
❤
David R Hawkins’s book “Letting Go, the pathway of surrender” is by far the most life changing book and technique to release the rage, fear and all pent up negative emotions. It’s very much the same, feel the rage in your body but don’t attach a story to it.
Needed to see this and many other comments about 20 years ago...good stuff
this still sounds like repressed anger
Adding journaling to the RAIN mindset. Freely write your thoughts
Seeing your anger thoughts on paper makes them look smaller than when they are in your head.
He is such a genius. I never learned about this perception on rage and anger, and how it doesn't necessarily need to be released but rather experienced. Because after all, releasing rage (even in a 'healthy way') is simply another way to detach yourself from experiencing it within isn't it? I needed this video today. Thank you+
Thank you for your insightful comment! It really made the video and the comments of others fully click into place for me :) I'm trying to find a way to help my brother with his rage and myself with emotions I don't have words for, and that concept of the "release" being another avoidance tactic just sent everything home. I hope you're doing well on your own journey 💛
Bingo! You said it beautifully, “releasing rage is just another way to detach yourself from experiencing it within” 🤯
Wow, Tim. Showing your vulnerability like that IS a superpower. You're brave
This moved me to tears. Dr. Mate's words were talking to me directly. I want to learn more about my own rage and how to heal.
This is great info. As a teacher, having this knowledge of how to help a student work with their anger and rage, rather than pushing them to 'get it under control' seems like a much more effective strategy. Thanks
So much rage came spewing out of me after watching only a few videos from you Dr. Gabor Mate. I salute you, sir. I come from a dysfunctional narcissistic family and i am the youngest. I have been through physical, mental, and narcisstic abuse since i can remember. I am the black sheep and i have so much rage. I have been working to unlearn suppressing my anger and it has been pouring out of me recently. I am the biggest advocate to family members and i have seen so much shit, and yet your autheniticity is bringing mine out. Thank you so very much for your work as its not going underappreciated.
Tell me. More about what you have suffered from your family due to being a black sheep. I feel similar
The Self-compassion work by Kristin Neff also helps with the processing of rage. RAIN is helpful only if you can be compassionate towards the space where the anger lives. IFS is excellent for this too. Thank you Tim! I can relate, I used to deal with anger and rage and o realized that it was grief underneath. Loss of dreams I never had too. Embracing it rather than suppressing it.
YES. Often times theres something underneath driving the anger..
@@Backinthedase The thing underneath my anger was a feeling of injustice done to me, the world was not fair, and I suffered...Having this clear sense that the world was unjust, created in me a deep sense of avenging the unjust hurt, seeking revenge. Only revenge would heal the injustice. My abusive mother was never able to see me as a defenseless child and kept beating me at any opportunity she could grab. No wonder I had severe asthma before the year of age! All my fantasies of the time when I was in bed, unable to play, or to go to school, were watching her being eaten by a lion, under the bus, or falling from a mountain. I wanted to see her suffer the humiliation she imposed on me...Of course, my fantasies never killed anyone. She lived to be 96, but each success in my life has been obtained by going against what she wanted for me.
Just feeling what it feels in the body does wonders for me. I don‘t act out on anger at all.
Never would have imagined something so simple would change my life that drastically
Thank you for this, it's quite reassuring. I'm terrified of entering a murderous rage if I tap into ANY anger at all and instead transmute it into sadness and grief. Maybe just feeling it a little bit won't be dangerous?
I felt confused for a very long time, feeling like something was inherently 'wrong' with me or not being able to control my anger. Feeling like a 'crazy woman' ending up again and again with anger outbursts. Hitting pillows, throwing soft things, or other ways of 'letting it through' - all the things I tried to stop these outbursts - just seemed to fuel my anger (just as you shared, Tim) and strengthened that self-image, making me feel completely desperate. I read stuff about it, watched video's about it, but all with the same effect. Hearing you make the difference between anger and rage made me cry of recognition, the advice of dealing with it through the body makes me feel kind of enthusiastic, and at least hopeful that lashing out or surpressing are not the only possibilities. Thank you for this, thank you both for sharing your experiences so genuinly.
Thank you for sharing this. A recent incident(s) at work triggered rage within me that I hadn't felt in close to a decade. A serious boundary was crossed multiple times, and I found myself trying to "cope" with the rage by minimizing it. This video gave me the answer I was looking for.
Thanks for your answer. Have you find any book, course or more material to work with for this particular subject?
Watching videos like this at night help me the next day. I’m more aware that it’s just a feeling. I also visualize what I want to accomplish in my relationships. I imagine my typical response and then regretting it. Then I try to think of different ways to respond and play it out in my mind. What I don’t do is try to imagine a response that will CONTROL the other person. That won’t work out for you! It’s more about what kind of person do you want to be no matter what.
This is gold! I doubt there's a human on this earth who was allowed to feel all her or his feelings at home, school, or work. So many people deal w anger as adults by continuing to suppress it. I was married to one like that. Too polite to be angry. It ruined our relationship.
♥️💯💯💯👏👏👏🌄🌄🌄
and instead of supporting him, you left, and called it "emotional abuse".
I have always struggled with resentments and I'm working on it. I've been in therapy because of it and done the 12 steps with a sponsor. She had me write down all my resentments and how they have affected me so I can see the damage. She also had me write down my part in the resentments in conflicts. It helps you to see what you need to change and do your amends. If you're one of those people who retaliate, it's not worth it not just because of your consequences but also you have to realize these people will get their karma and if they change due to consequences good for them. Plus you don't want to stoop to their level. Resentments only hurt you not the other person. It also helps to understand why people behave how they do for example mental illness nit justifying their behavior though. It can create more compassion and wanting them to do well in my opinion. It takes time, but therapy helps.
Thanks for sharing your story Tim. I was never really interested in your videos before, but being interested in Maté's work makes me more able to empathize with you and glad you are reaching so many and having shared your story. I myself carry this enormous rage you both discusssed.
."And then nurture that little person that had to surpress all that rage...." Eye and mind opening . Thank you
Gabor Mate is so brilliant! In Tibetan Buddhism we say between suppression and expression, lies observation. Observe your feelings and stay with your feelings and ignore the "Poor Me Narrative" that your head will spin. The knot will unravel itself and the charge will slowly dispel. Golden Sunrise blessings to all who are in pain!
"Running on anger as a corrosive fuel of sorts" I just want to say that is an amazing description of what anger can be - it motivates but it is also so poisonous for the heart!
Wow ! Gabor mentions Tara Brach, a spiritual teacher I have been following for at least 5 years. Her teachings are very compassionate.
I count myself fortunate to have come across this video. I’ve had a very unhealthy relationship with my anger and rage and have lived my entire life suppressing it due to being a survivor of CSA as well as having grown up with abusive and religious narcissistic parents. Although I’ve done a lot of work in therapy, it’s still a struggle for me but I really appreciate this video. Thanks Tim and Dr. Maté.
Thich Nhat Hanh also speaks of the R.A.I.N. process, by teaching us to repeatedly recognize, caress and hold our intense emotion as if we were a lovingly responsive parent. “I am my anger, my anger is me”. Gradually over time, the energy of this anger diffuses and disappears. Eventually, I gained compassionate insight into what my anger masked - vulnerable anxiety.
Massive Salute and Immense Gratitude to You Tim, for shedding Light on a side of society that needs to have a Lottttt of Light shed on it. 🙏🏽
I don't know why but the first few minutes of this actually had me bawling. I loved my parents dearly but it always irritated me when my mom spoke of my half brothers and mourned them. I hate to admit that I was a bully when I was young because I liked the power and control it gave me. I didn't realize it was fear others had but I have overcome all of that in exchange for being kind. I literally hate my anger, and it takes a while for me to become angry but I can process it much better the older I get.
Listening to this reminded me of a very traumatic situation in my childhood. My father was beating me and my grandmother stood there, saying "yes, beat that anger out of him!"
I was never allowed to show any signs of anger, or assert myself in any way as a child. That wasn't communicated indirectly to me, it was communicated through beatings and direct verbal commands. Now, 30 years later, I still suffer from this. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even a real human being.
The worst thing is, that deep down I still feel like I deserved it, I feel so worthless.
Omg!! 😱 😭 That is horrific.
No, you don’t deserve that. ❤
You didn’t deserve that I’m sorry. You are not worthless.
Nobody deserve that ! Nobody !
Your grandmother and your father that were very sick. No child should have to endure that.
EMDR. I thought it was a silly idea at first, but EMDR is the best way I found to process anger and rage.
How come?
EMDR is amazing.
Coherence Therapy and IFS model.
What helped me was experiencing how anger felt throughout the body, then I recall Dr. Joe Dispensa describing how we can become chemically addicted to anger... And I let it flow through me and let it go. Thank you for the video! Also, I would label what is irritability (mood, lack of sleep, hangry) from annoyance (something others are doing) from frustration (situations, no parking, electronics not working etc) and that helped me understand and deal with things in manageable chunks.
Don't you just love Dr. Mate! He is amazing!!!!
My boundaries were infringed constantly over the past few years. I have finally woken up to the government gaslighting. I'm feeling the rage of that currently and trying to process it to become a stronger more resilient person
We all are. You are not alone here.
@@lgiles7612 thankyou
D u m b
I tried a guided yin yoga exercise for low back pain recently and I experienced an intense emotional release. Very unexpected but cathartic. It was difficult to name the exact emotions but it felt like anger, rage, grief, sadness and feeling unloved. I was spewing tears and screaming inaudibly screaming. The practice was a moment of kindness I showed myself after months and years of physically and mentally abusing myself to compensate for the fear of being unloved, imperfect, not good enough. Sitting still and nurturing the areas that were causing me chronic pain, was not easy for me but it was so healing! I suffered from a lot of ongoing emotional trauma from my early childhood through my twenties with my upbringing and parents. I repressed a lot of rage and gaslit myself so much to be able to live with the pain, guilt, and shame. After becoming a mother, it was like a veil had lifted, uncovering all the repressed emotions. I’ve been on my healing journey for about two years now and it is definitely not linear. I’m glad to have discovered Dr. Mate’s talks during this time. Sending love and light to all who are suffering and in various stages of their healing journey ❤
Personally, I think sexual or other abuse itself is something children can recover from. The real pain is not having someone to protect your boundaries, to advocate for you. Someone you trust enough to share this horrific event with - knowing without a doubt that they are on your side and will do anything they can to protect you and help you overcome this. That is the real hurt.
I think society is too focused on haunting the abuser. They are evil, of course. But the lack of a sound support system truly kills children.
I could not agree more
So this just hit me hard
I’m finally breaking down my deepest areas that I managed to put away, and boy is this exactly it- I had a healthy and genuine connection with my father who was there for me, who fostered a real relationship with me based on respect and empathy, and then when my csa happened, the women in my family specifically kept him from knowing and began to pry us apart.
Now I understand.
It wasn’t the trauma that shut me down, it was that my healthiest connection was kept from me because he would have done something and would have protected me.
I was right all these years, I wasn’t crazy.
That’s why I have more issues with women than with men, because I know men are capable of great harm and was never gaslit for it- I was however gaslit to keep me from being heard, which is what really damaged my heart all these years.
@@melissapatterson3218 I am so sorry you had this experience. You must have felt so lonely and unprotected. I know those feelings very well. Just like the shame that comes with the secrets. I wish you all the best. Oh, and never ever think that you are crazy.
I find your comment confusing .. not wishing to initiate conflict by any means... it would be my experience personally the initial part of your statement would not have been able to occur with out resistance had all the secondary things you mentioned be in place and functional initially ( let us know if I've missed interpreted your comment) ... we are in the grants I believe in the physical act is Minuscule in comparison to say for instance the predatory nature of a inserted father figure as the offender ... understanding the complex predatory strategies used to manipulate the victim and the internal thermal this can perpetuate in terms of self-deprecation and as I now understand to be shame ... it does appear void of any big ticket trauma the good doctor's profound insight from the little bit I have been able to digest attachment is likely from the highlighted aspects in the second half of your comment can quite easily lead to having a profound influence on your being ... I am kind of in all at present as I am struggling to get my head around how I am only just now coming to be aware of the good doctor's work and profoundly insightful teachings ....
@@utubetrutharrowmichael-and9105 Maybe the confusion is that I was also referring to abuse that happens outside the support system-for instance, from a neighbor or a teacher. But even if a parent is the perpetrator, when other family members/caregivers shield and nurture the child, the trauma can heal. I agree that a child who is safe and stable will, as much as possible, prevent abuse from happening.
I have been dealing with a rage response since i was a child. If i imagined some sort of threat, i responded with rage and anger. As an adult i still often respond the same way but i bundle it up inside almost as if i was aiming to hurt my own self by keeping a feeling of hate alive. At 53 im a very calm and controled person except for old and new rages that i keep alive. Its destroying my happiness and i am here in part to learn to live differently. Many thanks.
This really helped me understand why I have so much rage inside of me. Now I can actually take it and examine it with a better perspective. Thank you both for doing this video
Dr Mate’ has been the biggest positive influence in my life. He is a godsend and I am and will always be extremely grateful. His words changed my life, helped me change myself and saved me
Thank you for posting this video. I needed to hear this. I've been hurt a lot over the course of my life and have a lot of rage I need to process.
All blessings to Tim Ferriss for this honesty and in the hope that he can access EDMR therapy and experiencing the trauma in order to process it. This does not work from the mind/the head/the rational, but the trauma is trapped in your body so it must be processed that way in order to be freed from it. The Body Keeps the Score is the text /research
which explains this. x
My somatic therapist gave me a very nice technique to let my anger/rage/fight response out. She said to go to a wall and put your hands against it and push. The wall is solid so it’ll take all your force. I do that and it helps me release. Sometimes I also do a slapping/pushing/kicking motion in the air. Whatever my body feels like doing.
Thanks for this🙏🙏
Scrolling through and as far as I went I never read anything about getting on ur knees and praying to god because that works for me I feel a big relief thank you god ❤
And this is why if you are trying to treat the classic symptoms labeled as mental health problems - anxiety and depression mostly - by way of ANY talk therapy model, you are wasting your time because these are symptoms of trauma not causes, and particularly if the trauma occurred in early childhood and particularly if the trauma was a body and boundary invasion of any kind. Identifying the cause, the response and the connection between them and to validate this while focusing in on what the body experiences rather than the mind is essential.
Wow! You put that beautifully. There is a time and a place for talk therapy.
@@HappyMomma412 Appreciate your reply. What do you consider to be a good time and place for talk therapy? My perspective is there is never a good time or place for it because almost none of the models know how to identify and treat the causes and often are connected with medications. I welcome your thoughts as to when you consider talk therapy to be appropriate. I know I don't have a corner on the market when it comes to this topic and would welcome new insight that perhaps I haven't yet considered. What I can say in my own case is that talk therapy of any kind is pointless. The models that work for the early life trauma I experienced all involve multi sensory physical, somatic or arts oriented work rather than just words. And in fact words are least important. My bias is to help inform people that may not realize that there are more options out there should talk therapy not be working for them. Mate's perspective is mostly talk but it is oriented towards "compassionate inquiry" so it has goals, perspectives and structures that most talk therapies do not and particularly as evidenced by his comments about the roles of anger and rage that are almost always improperly addressed in the more common and popular talk therapy models.
@BLAB102 HI. I would have to disagree that ALL talk therapy is a waste of time. I work with a lot of clients who have been traumatised. I help them to understand what triggers them so they can minimize walking into it, coping more effectively with it by listening to their body and nurturing that young child that was discarded and ignored. Yes, I am an exceptional therapist. So, sometimes maybe talk therapy is a waste, BUT not all the time. (smile)
Jesus… when Dr. Mate mentioned Tim’s abuse, the look in his face… I just wanted to reach through the screen and give him a hug.
All great advice for wherever we are in our therapy and in our recovery from the experiences that are brought us this rage
I have practiced reflection in my therapy for a very long time
And I have found the morning process of bringing all that forward to the table and releasing it all one layer at a time due to the fact that nothing happened overnight nothing goes away overnight
It’s a process I called watering the emotional garden
And it’s wonderful to find out that we’re not alone in the process I wish you all the best shalom!
How? Can you give more details? I am so angry been betrayed in my 20 years marriage. I found texts and caught them with my own eyes. I have so much anger and bitterness. I don’t want it to eat me Alive.
@@dailyambientandsoothingmus687
Good evening I hope this finds you well
The best gift that you can give yourself is the gift of forgiveness and if you can’t love yourself, you’re certainly not ready to love anybody else
We all contribute to the success or failure of our relationships. Sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be you’re only hurting yourself by not moving forward on your loss and move on make that a part of the gift for yourself every day.
@@raycialkowski4070 wow! Thank You Ray! I have to learn to forgive and love myself. I am going to read your comments to help me reflect and move on with my life
Life is about choices you choose to hold onto that stuff in those memories they hold you hostage and yet you have the keys to set yourself free
By no means, am I free from that which I’m talking about I am still practicing life is a segment of moments strong together, live in that one moment and remember to always such yourself free if you’re no good for you you’re no good for anybody
'Watering the emotional garden' - I love that! Good luck on your journey!
R.A.I.N game changer! Thank you Tim and Dr. M☀️
This is so important! It helps you to accept yourself if you learn how to process all of your emotions (even the bad ones).
Finally I found the whole person help and heath it's in the Bible but we need someone with the understand and knowledge of mister mate so grateful thank you it is an extra help to clarifying ourselves it not all but it helps me understand my faith in CHRIST it comes from HIM even if your not a believer HE owns everything and made everything so all people's in HIS image Sonya I want healing in the complete person me and others that's why I'm going to keep listening to this man that is a great blessing
I never realized i surpressed my anger as a child and how its now manifesting itself in rage - when he mentioned comes out like a volcano I knew exactly what he meant.
RAIN - Recognize, Allow (as in feeling it, nor acting out on it), Investigate--what is this all about, and Nuture your young self that surpressed the anger).
I've been struggling with anger and its been mainly towards my own children. Then I'm teaching them to surpress their emotions... I want this cycle to end.
It's so difficult to escape my rage and all of its negativity
Such an important and relatable video.
I was sure that by working out like crazy when I am angry - I can resolve my anger and move on, and I thought I wasn't doing enough.
Now I know it probably wasn't the best solution.
Oh God! FINALLY i got answers for my rage! So helpful thank you! THANK YOU!!!! 🙏❤️
Dr Gabor M. ..an incredible talk… thank you dear sir. I’ve experienced the red rage. I’ve processed it w having better boundaries, & better responses.
Dr Mate you are a gem. I’m so glad I found you. You helped me in my journey to heal. Thank you 💜
When I allowed the rage of Narc abuse and denial now I had to allow the rage to be honored. Going through the rage moment I frlt sick then the tears flooded because under the rage was violation and disrespect to the inner child which needed processing of emotions. 2 years of training now on this very topic I am at peace with me. I gave myself all the time needed to really go through the grief of lossing me through the years and what could have been... rage was : you robbed me of 49 years of my life being hypervigilent , depressed, and anxious, still the scared little me.. the inner child work and training I did was amazing. I was tired of carrying my parents worries and fears...I let go. ❤❤
I just came here after watching a video from a zen buddhist talk about how to deal with anger and rage. His advice was to understand the other person and the fact that they are suffering and that's why they're doing it to you and then redirect your anger/rage with kindness. I felt bypassed and my rage and trauma felt neglected by that advice. This provides more of a healthier approach. I appreciate this. Dr. Gabor Mate is a gem and I hope he has more years in him.
I've been spiritually bypassing for my entire 20's, it made me passive and maluable just because I wanted to be accepted
" I felt bypassed, and my rage /anger/ trauma felt neglected "
So powerful 👏
That's how I have felt for most of my life 😭
It's a powerless feeling as a child and the triggers I experience now are when there's a feeling of or actual 'authority taking away my power, my autonomy, my voice' That's when the rage just...engulfs me from head to toe...
I've used rage for fuel my whole life , in fact learning to be productive just because I want to be is hard . I'm finally learning that it's a problem . As far as parenting and such I literally connected with a children's charity took classes and it helped me not be as abusive as my parents were but finally near 60 I'm trying to hug the child I was and learn things from Mr Mate and others. This is all so perfect I wish I had known so much sooner. I'm going to share this with my children I hope they take it seriously ❣️🙏❣️
@Jdraws try counting down from ten, or walk away from him or pray for God to help you be patient . I know six year olds are a serious pain in the butt for real. Just please be careful you don't ever get physical because your whole life could be ruined if you injure him . God bless you ! ❣️
Thank you for sharing and having the courage to forge onward with your own healing/balancing journey. It's such an important part of why we are alive. I know I have benefited from your input. So, thank you very much!
you shouldn't have kid's then
@@settokiber tell the makers of the pill ,but ,since I did get pregnant I took parenting classes and therapy and changed my whole life around to be a great mom.
Thanks guys for the Pearls of Wisdom. Due to childhood issues, struggling with rage throughout my life. Still trying to cope with it but now I feel I've been blessed to have had the opportunity to watch this vid clip. Thank you ever so much.
Just last evening for the first time in my whole life I found this teaching and channels with this doctor so I was praying and was all done I gave up finally for real and I've been on UA-cam 3 years and your face popped up out nowhere because I was looking for help even now in my hopeless for help with my crack addition if 25 years and I've been thinking of ending my miserable life but now this morning I have a glimmer of hope to understand my myself my condition yes I'm 62 now I was abused and every kind if trauma you can think of since I was born and two little siblings also horrendous abuse and torture by our father and others men and women in our own family all our young lives till well over our teens from everyone everywhere in school you know what I'm saying I've si broken and I'm a Christian a believer in CHRIST JESUS alone GOD wonderful FATHER but no one really has satisfied my needs to understand ourselves more clearly and knowing more to use first on myself and in me and out relationships
For whatever its worth, you look even healthier than you were the previous talk with Dr. Gabor Mate! And it was so helpful to know why my rage has intensified and got bigger. It is a challenge for me to stay in my body when I get set off.
S¹A do small ab1¹c
Really important subject especially for me,. I have repressed my anger and with it repressed my drive to exist in this world and go for my dreams.
In my opinion, best explanation and advice for dealing with anger gave Thich Nhat Hanh and David Hawkins..
Good to hear. Rage makes me feel very empowered!
Sometimes I also wonder about how much rage the Palestinian and Iraqi people must feel about recent or relatively recent history. Some people still get mad about what other countries did thousands of years ago, not just what a kid or parent did last incident!
Thank you Jesus for all you have done to try and defuse the rage humanity is causing.
I believe anger comes from repressed hurt. I think part of getting back to who you really are is to address and process all the emotions of the hurt. What do you think? :)
I agree, but you have to choose carefully who you will ask to help you do this. A trusted loyal friend who has your best interests at heart is by far the best, but if you have to choose a therapist, try one session and if it doesn’t feel right, move on swiftly - don’t think of it as a waste of time or money, you will always learn from the experience. It’s a tragic waste if you stay with the wrong person or the wrong modality for you, and can in fact be very harmful. What you’re looking for is a compassionate witness to your pain, for you to have any chance of healing, it has to be about you and only you. You can return the favour another time if it’s a friend. Trust, compassion and a good rapport are the key ingredients. Though it will be painful, you should still feel good on a deeper level.
@@valtracey6180 I agree Val. You have to do it for you & you can always pay back the favour :)
Yes, I think anger is basically just an expression of hurt.
Yh anger is a secondary emotion. You have to feel a primary emotion like sadness to feel anger. You can't feel anger without a primary emotion
@@kahyui2486 Wheel of emotions shows anger as primary emotion. Rage is secondary because rage is byproduct of our explanations
Related to the advice at the end - this is why I love metal music and mosh pits. They are surprisingly beautiful.
I believe Gabor is talking about experiencing rage through somatic experiencing which is different (neurologically speaking) than acting out rage, because it is more like having a direct experience with it rather than putting it through a filter of expression. This can be guided and is healthy to set up in stages because of that volcano effect.
I was thinking somatic experiencing also.
I see it like this - it is not complex.
Wheel of emotion chart shows us all primary emotions -like happiness, sadness, confusion, disgust.
We handle this emotions naturally - without books or therapy.
It is anger the problem because we were told as kids that our errors are our identity.
We need to handle and process our anger - just in the same manner as all other emotions - allow it.
We do not suppress happiness. We do not suppress disgust. We do not suppress fear. We flow through it.
That is all. All we need is to feel the anger - so that our brain can sort it out and help us in the future how to handle problems.
7 minutes 47 seconds of pure value addition to my day as a man. Regards.
Thank you Tim for sharing this here. Today I realised on a deeper level (things sunk in more) that at nearly 42 I still do not know how to regulate myself, mainly the anger I experience. It builds up to a point and then there is nothing I can do to let it go. I found tonight that it had come down to a manageable level after scrolling on IG for 2 hours like a zombie. Then I realised I need to find a way to regulate myself in a healthy way. Because I get so mad my body is shaking and I feel like jekyl and hyde. Then the shame sinks in. All I want to do is smash anything that breaks. I know it would feel and sound good. So here I am at the start of learning. What I got from this is that when I recignise that I'm next level mad, that I need to take myself into a different room, probably sit on the floor against a wall, and just feel, and let it pass through. I hope this helps me and I hope you have found something that helps you. 😊
Wow, great clip. It would suggest to me that if you encounter and allow the full range of feelings that represent your earlier traumas you have to hold enough space cognitively to recognise what is happening but also bring words of meaning and self compassion. Not an easy task by any means. Revealing your trauma socially brings with it another set of hurdles as everyone has an opinion and compassion is not guaranteed. Again, great interview from two powerhouses in their fields.....respect 🙏
This "nothing wrong with it, it's a survival mechanism" about suppressing anger is very liberating. I literally started breathing deeper after this.
That’s a powerful way to address it.
I’d heard Tara’s Rain process but not as applied to experiencing old rage.
Tara Brach. The process is called “RAIN”.
RAIN is the best advice I've ever heard. That clip of advice and understanding it has helped me so much today..I will remember it, and carry it with me. Thankyou so much.
"Nurture that little person who had to suppress all that rage"
Wow!! I literally was searching on youtube for how to get through my deep seeded anger. This clip was SOOOO powerful to me! When my boundaries are crossed or if I am triggered, I will get angry, but I never want to hit someone or throw things, which is good. It is purely just me raising my voice and talking over that person so I am heard. I was physically and sexually abused as a child and I know it is rooted there. I feel horrible at the time when it happens and guilty from allowing my "volcano to erupt"! I know I need to work on this daily and see a professional to help me through processing this! Thank you for this clip!! It gives me hope!!❤