10 Signs of a Wife with Borderline Personality Traits
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- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
- This video answers the question: What are the signs of a wife with borderline personality disorder traits?
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), we see nine symptom criteria for borderline personality disorder and five have to be met for a diagnosis. The symptom criteria include frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging, suicidal behavior, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, and paranoid ideation or dissociation. Borderline personality disorder is a Cluster B personality disorder, so it’s in the same cluster is antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders.
Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2015). Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds’ observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 124(4), 975-981. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Weddige, R. L. (1986). The hidden psychotherapeutic dilemma: spouse of the borderline. American Journal Of Psychotherapy, 40(1), 52-61. Retrieved from search.ebscohost.com.mylibrary...
Bouchard, S., Sabourin, S., Lussier, Y., & Villeneuve, E. (2009). Relationship quality and stability in couples when one partner suffers from borderline personality disorder. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 35(4), 446-455. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
de Montigny-Malenfant, B., Santerre, M.-È., Bouchard, S., Sabourin, S., Lazaridès, A., & Bélanger, C. (2013). Couples’ negative interaction behaviors and borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Family Therapy, 41(3), 259-271. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Sprague, J., Javdani, S., Sadeh, N., Newman, J. P., & Verona, E. (2012).Borderline personality disorder as a female phenotypic expression of psychopathy? Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment,3,127-139.
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Thumbs up to all BPD sufferers who are in treatment and striving to be kind to their partners. 🙌🏼
Biki I decided it’s best I stay alone until I get to know myself... I just came off of my meds, I’m just trying to learn to cope without medication. I would really like to talk to someone like me to ask questions and compare some things.
Too little, too late
@@armara70 interesting reply to a person admittedly supportive of self improvement. Seems needlessly aggressive. Seems like you might have issues that would benefit you to address. I'm sure you've had that echoed to you already in your regular life as well though. Do your best to control your anger.
@@virginiaandrade8009 It's not anger, Virginia. It's having to live with a BDP for years. Notice how I make no presumptions about your life.
Beverly Jackson Ive been to bpd groups- were all totally different there is no normals to compare to🥰
You have described my parents perfectly. I wish my Dad was still alive so I could share this with him. He was a very kind and loving man, and a good provider. He was an excellent father and grandfather. Once he brought her a big box of chocolates for their anniversary. Being a special occasion, she acted out and hit him over the head with the box and sent chocolates flying every direction. I asked him if he learned anything from this experience, to which he replied, “Yes, I’m never giving her a bowling ball.” He was a gem. I was fortunate to have him, my maternal grandmother, and an older female cousin who mitigated the damage. Where she tore me down, they built me up. Seven years of therapy in my early forties were also very valuable. If you have a borderline parent, do your work and don’t be afraid. ❤️
Sending you virtual hug❤️❤️❤️
I'm so very ill and damaged from it. Survived suicide. I relate to that story.
It doesn’t matter whether you could have a chance to explain her disorder to him. You know why? Cause he loved her unconditionally ❤️
@@abbeyrose95 yes, but sometimes to the detriment to everyone's else's mental health in the family. Sometimes unconditional love is dangerous and borders on denial. Complicit in abuse.
My mom and dad exactly
I’m a BPD wife. High functioning. I’ve done a lot of work on feelings of jealousy and fear of abandonment. Still struggling with emotional regulation but I am working on it. Looking forward to this video 🍿
I love your comment!! How are things with your husband and I’m seeing a lot of these signs in myself!
I'm a BPD wife too.
@@chvaunbarnes3495 Things are usually pretty good. If we argue, we seem to argue about the same things and I usually struggle pretty bad with constructive criticism, which my husband finds annoying. I am glad that he loves me. I think marriage is work no matter if a person has a mental disorder or not.
@@deborahmontgomery7881 I would strongly recommend what saved my life LAURA DOYLE , the empowered wife! I don’t even know who the woman is that wrote this 7 months ago! Me and my husband are closer now than before we got married and had kids! I’m grateful God lead me to her
BPD wife too.. What have you found helpful?
1- The (dis)tress starts early
2- Personality traits
3- Attachment styles
4- Terrible problem solving /communication skills, and frequent arguing
5- Dissatisfaction
6- Others see the couple as having the most intense love hard fight hard relationship
7- The wife believes sex resets everything in the relationship
8- The wife is extremely jealous
9- The couple is searching for different senses of purpose in life / wanting more
10- Contemplating divorce
Thank you
"others see the couple as having the most intense love hard fight hard relationship" - no, most of us just think they are totally incompatible, their relationship is a toxic (sometimes abusive) sh*tshow, and they should break up and move on already! Have you had a couple like that in your friends/family circle? It's annoying as hell to be around. They tend to drag you into their constant drama as well (or try to) and waste your time/energy.
4-6-7-8-9
OMG that list suffices my marriage...phew! i wish i knew this before
Well definitely me
This talk really romanticizes being single.
😂😂😀 sure does
I would suggest that it romanticises finding the right person with whom to have a healthy equal relationship and not jumping on board with the first person to shower you with affection.
@Vox Deus Actually, studies show that men tend to be happier in relationships - it's women who are generally happier single.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 Absolute sophistry
😂❤👍👌👏
My ex wife was a therapist and she'd always make fun of people with BPD. I thought it odd till I looked into it and discovered that she had A LOT of the same traits of someone with BPD
BPD is the dx psychiatrists give to women they don't like for the most part, if it's a male, or they like the patient, they dx them with C-PTSD, exact same diagnostic criteria lol
@@leaharchambault5796 Little bit passive aggressive of them.
No, you have narcissistic personality disorder.
That's why I don't go to therapists anymore. Therapists are evil. Sometimes they're sicker than their clients.
@@Simba______ but as long as the sick f's have clients, they'll be richer than them, so add codependency as well.
To everyone with BPD, I want to encourage you not to just see yourself as one big blob of pathology and trust in your abilities to grow and change. As was mentioned, often times you're also surrounded by people that have personality disorders themselves, so it's good to get support and have some time and place to reflect on yourself and your relationships.
Thank you doe your kind words regarding bpd. Not an easy road esp if you have others around you weaponizing your bpd.
Hi AG
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful message because people who have BPD and in my case only traits of it are also empathetic and considerate and caring human beings who feel things too deeply at times. Take care my friend in cyberspace. Mary
Surrounded by narcissistic usually men.
But could easily be a woman.
This guy in the video sounds like a passive aggressive narsisitic man who has things about his own past that he does not want to admit to.
My ex-wife had BPD. It was hell. I always felt exhausted. I ended up leaving her but we did not get a divorce immediately. After a few years of being separated I filed for divorce. Her reaction was like the four riders of Apocalypse storming down. She still thought we were a couple, after all those years. She felt betrayed and contacted all of my family and friends to tell them the monster I was. It was a bad moment for the whole community but it had to be done. I am happy now that I could escape that awful relationship.
You were in Hell. God for you
I had 2 experiences in my life. A girlfriend and then the mother of my children. I have given up on relationships and I am happier than I have ever been.
25 years. Up and down. You never were sure what lay ahead when you get home. Divorce was a huge relief. I finally found peace and quiet. I stayed about 15 years to many.
I thought I might have BPD when I saw I had some of these symptoms. I went to doctors and psychiatrists because I wanted to heal. They assessed me for some time and just ruled that I needed trauma therapy from my childhood. I think I just learned really poor coping and communication skills while being traumatized from my environment. I am getting CBT right now for depression, PTSD and anxiety. It is helping a lot and worth considering for those who might think they have BPD. It could just be an anxiety issue or depression or PTSD. But don’t diagnose yourself, seek medical help. My treatment is really helping me so far. No one with some of these issues really want to be this way (except maybe narcissists). I know because it is such a painful place to be. I would die to be able to have better coping strategies, thought processes and be a happier person all the time. I might need therapy my whole life but it is so worth it.
People with traumatic childhoods who have C-PTSD get diagnosed with other things all the time. For women, it's usually bipolar or BPD. Once you get the BPD label, no one will take you seriously. Thankfully, you had an intelligent therapist who knew what to look for.
Cbt does next to nothing for personality disorders. It may be used in conjunction with a therapy that is actually effective for BPD (usually dbt), but cbt alone will not help in any meaningful way.
Good for you for getting therapy & sharing your experience! ❤
Ik vriend reading your story,because i recognize so much
I also have therapy and medications
IT van really help you,and because of that also others
I wish you alle the best
look into CPTSD and narcissistic abuse syndrome
Thank you for your video on this. I was married to a narcissistic man and he made me crazy. The narcissistic abuse in a marriage will certainly cause a lot of stress, anxiety, depression and even substance abuse. The wife looks crazy and called a mean Borderline but really it’s the Narc spouse that is gaslighting, humiliating and manipulating her and causing her continuous pain. I would never set fire or ruin his things because I’m an empath with a conscience. But my narcissistic husband certainly did. I know I have CPTSD from all his abuse. But I know one Dr called me borderline because I was constantly crying and depressed for a long time. I don’t think many doctors truly understand what narcissistic abuse does to the psyche of the abused. We are not crazy. But that’s what the Narc paints us out to be. It’s a very scary and lonely place to be in when no one believes you.
Absolutely agree. Narcs cause borderline traits. I was with a NARC for 5 years and struggled emotionally the majority of the time. I finally healed enough to leave and voila
! The years of anxiety has disappeared. Insecurity is gone. Toxic relationships can incite feelings & behaviors of BPD in both sexes.
No one is good enough for a Narcissist, they abuse others to regulate their false narrative and self, put others below themselvs, so they can be abowe ‼️Sick, evil and crazy, glad you'll got away, they get worse‼️A Narcissist want's to control, destroy and dim another humans light ‼️💎
Hi yes, thank you so much as this is what happened to me. He made me crazy and I ended up being called the crazy one.
Yes! Finally!! I was diagnosed with this during a narcissistic relationship with my ex-husband and I can't get it relinquished. The gaslighting was terrible and I had to leave for my own sanity. My son is now in a secure ward after staying with his father 😞 I don't meet the criteria but still I get the stigma and problems from diagnosis. They tell you there isn't but my lived experience is something else including a professional poking fun and actually laughing at me in an all organisation meeting regarding my son despite everything my son said about his dad's behaviour (including covering up sexual abuse of his son).
@@sampreston1791 An Psychologist told that Serial Killers and Child Molesters are Narcissists ‼️Try to get your son out of there emmediently, if you get proves, witnesses, recordings, you can go to the Police and save your poor son‼️As a father, I guess it's your right to spend time wt your own son‼️If this has been taken away from you, to keep the son quiet, I recommend you to get an Psychologist emmediently, to get support and a witness, it can be valuable in court, and the Narcissist has to behave well if you have a witness‼️Try to get the child out of the sexual abuse, talk to the boy and record things, and relief the child from Hell‼️
I’m a BPD wife (also have ADHD and suffered with depression for most of my life). I was only diagnosed about 6 months ago, but over the past year or two, things have already drastically improved for myself and my relationship. CBT/DBT therapy focusing on ego-strengthening (forming identity), healing trauma & emotional regulation practice has been crucial. Refraining from drugs like cannabis and alcohol as ways to cope with intense emotions is also helpful. Lastly, going on mood stabilizing medications (lamictal in my case) has made a world of difference- 6 months later, and I can easily stay calm long enough to put what I’ve learned in therapy into practice! I’m proud to say that I haven’t punched a wall or fantasized/talked about KMS in months- that is huge for me! My marriage has never been better, and my husband has been a huge supporter of me through my process.
My therapist also pointed out that a huge reason for my improvement is due to my conscientiousness and self-aware nature. I am now stable and have a much clearer idea of who I am and what I want out of my life, separate from my relationship!!
There is hope!!
Congratulations, sweetheart, and thanks for sharing. I’ve read a lot of replies here, and for some unknown reason, your comments were very impactful, open and honest; I felt you. Wishing nothing but the best for you! 🌷
(My daughter and her female partner are in this situation, where I would probably label my daughter “the husband“ and her female partner “the wife.“ The wife is the one with BPD, and they’ve been together about 15 years… Surprisingly. As her mom, it’s *very difficult* to watch/experience from a distance. Of course my daughter has mental health issues of her own, not as serious, yet now I understand perhaps why she was drawn to her and sticks around. Very interesting! They *do* work hard at it so I’ll give them praise for that.)
I feel like I’m reading a comment I wrote myself!! Crazy…!
so why the pyromaniac 🔥 and or acidification/sand ect? a lot of this sounds like my spouse/CO- 🇺🇸 marriage contract
family of mine points to her lighting/acid dipping my classic car ( she and my siblings said there innocent and have no knowledge of the event/evils ) ( totalled probably now or at least it's a bare-shell now was a running same way for the K1500 )( 1980's k1500 that my parents had from birth-now aka sentimental to me and a $$/desirable-version 60's charger that we got together as newlyweds after me working towards that goal for 15+years aka sense i was 4YO not to impress others but because i really like it ) and making sure that im homeless-couch-surfing/unemployed/broke ect, also made sure to take as much of my childhood memories/stuff away and try to trash my professional reputation??? @ a 100K per-year
confused 🤷♂by all of this and or consideration maybe i should have bribed her more in some way 🤷♂, but most people tell me im not really corruptible
also my siblings thinks she's also got narcissistic personality disorder on top of everything
would being a mom her goal and mine settle her down or have made the mess worse? ( was fine with intimacy/intercores but it did take 90+day to getting used to the idea ect )
as for me im generally not the talkative ( or naked-cuddling-non-sex/movies bug ) ( my childhood home i was expedited to be ready to go out the front door in under 5m at 2AM at a moment's notice as a mixture of army parenting and fear of things like fire-home or brake-in's ect so next days full dress-up ect and extreme privacy ) type and or probably the avoidance type so 45+ hours at work pre-week was common for me
Good for you, that's fantastic. Lamictal is a great med for soo many people. Thanks for sharing!
Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking. I think I have both BPD and ADHD (I’m on the waiting list for a psych assessment 🙃)
I just wondered how you dealt with them both? How did you get diagnosed with both? Did you get both diagnoses together or separately?
Sorry for messaging, I’m just at a loss with what to do right now 😢❤
I just love Dr. Grande’s smile, coupled with his humor. It’s quite endearing and truly infectious. Stellar content, as always.
You Can Ring My Bella He’s married Jkjk
the rest of us are listening to the content...
orangestoneface His content is phenomenal. Delivery, top-notch.
@@youcanringmybella8364 well , l got kinda bored of his monotone after a few vids
@@orangestoneface Maybe you're BOREDerline? 😂
The worst people I've ever known have been diagnosed with BPD. By contrast, the best therapist I've ever spoken to also had BPD. Just goes to show that people who are self-aware and empathetic, and willing to do the hard work on themselves, can overcome any obstacle.
This video just explained the past 15 years of my life. Thank you for sharing your expertise with us!
High conscientiousness and BPD is exactly what my psychiatrist said gives me a great chance of therapy helping my situation. So glad to have that supportive encouragement and reassurance.
That’s really positive. I hope things work out for you. Keep going. Be kind to yourself ☺️
Bless you my friend!! I don't even believe in God. Just hang in there.
Ugh Yas queen I hope you're doing excellent
High Conscientiousness refers to Someone's Great Drive to zealously do their part in order to achieve a certain Result.
this gives me continued hope, thank you!
Bingo. I just divorced from my undiagnosed borderline ex-wife. Our relationship had every single characteristic you mentioned, except that she did no self mutilation, and I do not personally have the personality disorders from the male side that you mentioned. It was a long difficult and dangerous road. She has been in denial when I did bring it up in the past. When I read that 70 to 80% of daughters of undiagnosed borderline mothers become borderline, after several years of debating, I decided to get out and allow my daughter to at least spend half of her rest of her childhood with me In a normal environment.Thank you.
My exact same circumstance
BPD with no self harm? Highly unlikely.
This is my struggle for the past 5 years. My family keeps saying don't divorce for the sake of kids, but this is the exact reason why I want to divorce!! I have two daughters and I'm dying every single day watching their childhood ruined by their mother, who's is still in the denial condition. I really want to divorce but I'm afraid that I didn't try enough and I don't want to live with this sense of guilt. I don't my daughters to tell my (why dad?) What would you say? I wish you and your daughter the best
After over 24 years of being with my wife, I believe it's safe to say I can confirm, even without professional diagnosis, that she was a cohort/vulnerable narcissist with both Bipolar Disorder and BPD. So, I totally know what you've been through. The constant mood swings, bouts of depression, fits of anger, rage, and name calling, accusations, blaming, blame-shifting, threats of blackmailing, threats of poisoning, never accepting blame or wrong doing, seldom if ever says sorry, using the children as pawns or leverage in an argument, emotional, verbal, financial, and sexual abuse, her overeating and weight gain, low self-esteem, could plan a party or event like nobody's business but was always the one to stir up trouble with her family and often talk about family members behind their back. I'm fairly certain she cheated on me with a good friend of mine back when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and had an extramarital affair with a younger woman later on in our marriage before she committed suicide in 2014.
I'm glad you got your daughter out of a seemingly toxic environment.
@@sixlacroix6014 There are four types of Borderline, I think it's Dr Ramani who has a video about that‼️
My parents both displayed this behavior. I feel like I grew up in a war zone.
Me too
Me too 💔😓💔😓💔
I am that wife (girlfriend). I feel so sorry for my man..I want to protect him from my self😣
I empathise greatly. I know this too....
I feel sorry for you
I’m a wife. I’m borderline. Married to a narcissist. We feed off each other’s dysfunction in a way that seems to only keep us with one another in a cycle.
amy gallegos are you both happy or upset a lot?
Same. Its awesome when I'm legit trying to be better and he goes all out triggering me on purpose. Smirking in my face and saying he's doing it because he knows what it does to me. I learned to leave the house at that point.
I'm more inclined to believe your diagnosis about yourself than your husband.
But you should consider not speaking badly of your husband online, it's very BPD of you.
@@mrjon75 "it's very BPD of you" that made my evening xD
@@Linda-jl5lx BPD is bassicly anti social disorder but for women
I love the way you provide information about disorders, geared towards specific people in their lives who may be concerned. Sometimes, people who are ill have the insight to seek help but, often, it is a partner or family member who is looking for information. I think you are helping more people by making videos for people with various perspectives.
omg. my ex-wife hit on 9 of the listed characteristics. All my friends including pastors who didn't believe in divorce said I had to divorce her for my sake and the children's sake. She was my second wife (I was widowed and remarried), and I tried for over 3 years to make her happy and mollify her rage. But when the money ran out (she wouldn't let me work), and I said "no" to her for the first time (it wouldn't have mattered the reason), she walked out. I was truly ignorant of her level of fear and anxiety, but I still should have seen it. It's been almost 6 years since she left, and I am still examining my heart whether I trust myself to ever remarry again. I found this short video very illuminating and helpful. Thank you!
I hope you do get out there again, because it can help heal you. When you start getting into relationships that don't follow this toxic pattern, you will see it was not your fault and not everyone you attract will be like that. But the apprehension is very understandable.
She left? You really hung in there.
I got out of a NPD and Borderline after 17 years.
It was hell and still, after 19 month’s am trying to find methods to heal. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Good luck to you!
👊🏻
You might meet someone that just comes into your life at the right time, and shows you that your heart can trust and love again. It might just happen, and you won’t be able to turn away from it. I hope this happens for you. ❤️
I’m close to a man who somehow lived with this situation for over 30 years. It nearly destroyed him. He has been in recovery now for 20, but it’s been hard to heal.
Please stop getting married! It's ok to just be with yourself and have some peace.
Dr. Todd Grande,
You're helping me to make sense of my childhood. You've described my parents' relationship in accurate detail in this video. After discovering my father's infidelity at seventeen, their divorce wouldn't be finalized until I was twenty-two. Those suffering from borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, etc. are fantastic at finding each other, and the spectacular chaos they are able to create together can truly be beyond imagination.
The conflict and trauma I experienced throughout my childhood and young adulthood had no end and no beginning; it was always there. I imagine that fish have no awareness of the water they're born in until they're removed from it. It's only recently I've made sense of it all, recognizing the flawed dynamics of our relationships. Your content has been jet fuel for the development of my understanding of my own trauma. I've never felt this much clarity before; I've lived my entire life surrounded by smokescreens and lies, only able to see a few inches in front of me. Now, I can see everything clearly.
I've made a habit of listening to your videos before bed every night. Every day, you are helping me to become a happier, healthier, more forgiving, understanding, and self-aware person. Thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information. I deeply appreciate your work.
…..the spectacular chaos……!!!!!!
a video on personality disorders and their general propensity towards certain attachment styles would be super interesting... keep up the good work!
A BPD Rage can happen in seconds. Splitting.
Agree. I recently experienced this. She just pleaded guilty to assault with deadly weapon against her ex and me. I thought I was going to die.
@@melmel8907, It is unbelievable isn't it? Mine recoiled like a cats with its claws out and a look of hate that I can't describe. Mascara was running down her face. I'm glad that she didn't have a gun.
When I split I just get sad and stay alone and wait for it to pass. I'm sorry you guys got violent ones.
It’s terrifying & the reason I had to leave my best girlfriend of 20yrs 😿
I can't wrap my head around, how people treat spouses as described in youre video
My ex husband, has NPD with sociopath, he destroyed, gave away, threw away my things. Broke all our plates, etc. Verbal and emotional abuse at criminal level. He was charged with criminal abuse.
Cheated on me with men and women. Alm the abuse was behind closed doors. In public, he had to hold my hand.
I ended up with cptsd after 16 months of daily abuse. I dont know if I'll ever be able to date again. These evil, methodical, sadistic abusive disordered people, need to be on a list.
I'm the second wife, my now ex methodically destroyed, or tried to. I highly recommend, EMDR therapy to help heal from the abuse
Thank you DR Grande for you're videos. You have helped, so many
🤗💜🤗💜broken no more
Silence no more
I hope you recover enough to find a love that is loving and nurturing , don't lose hope, I know it's hard but none of us deserve to suffer anymore than we already have.
@@brusselsprout5851
What's the right basket?
Bella Vie Life is Beautiful EMDR is amazing!! A very effective therapy!! I’m glad you found it helpful to your healing.
It sometimes helps to realize these people are just as broken as many of us who end up with them as many of them were the product of considerable childhood abuse. To me, the greater tragedy is that these personality disorders often make it near impossible to get them to see that they need help and so they remain trapped in the same destructive behaviors throughout their adult lives whereas were they able to see they need therapy they might have been able to heal from their past traumas and live much healthier lives without abusing their future partners, or perhaps even saving their current relationship. They do evil and cruel things to us, and are absolutely responsible and accountable for their behavior and for seeking help and treatment (just as with an addiction), but it sometimes helps to separate the actions from the person and rather than hate the person I prefer to hate their actions while remaining compassionate for the person as they too were the product of severe abuse during childhood. If we were more proactive in identifying and treating childhood abuse early, ideally while they are still children, we could likely prevent most of the abuse in the vast majority of persons as most did not come into this world as evil. But that is simply my philosophy and not a judgement as I do not believe in hating others, but I can certainly hate the sin.
I started out already having childhood C-PTSD (though it would not be diagnosed for another 25 years) from years of severe peer abuse and isolation throughout the entirety of my teens (I was that teen that *everyone* at a new school rejected, would pretend as through he didn’t exist, took turns bullying dozens of times daily, and had but one friend, also rejected by his peers), severe enough that my physical health collapsed at 18, when I got into a relationship with a close female friend at 22 that had undiagnosed BPD. As a codependent empath (empaths are often forged by childhood abuse) it isn’t an accident that many of us end up with partners with severe personality disorders as they are often dependent and we are their unsuspecting prey because we can only see the best in others and are often blind to the negatives until much too late. We were only together for about six months but it was the most violent and terrifying six months of my adult life with bruises so deep they took up to three months to heal, more bite marks than I could count, suicide attempts, cheating, etc. The part that has always haunted me the most, however, is that, the BPD aside, *she* had the heart of an angel and would give the shirt off her back to help another in need, but the BPD gave her a side best described as demon possessed and capable of unfathomable violence and just knowing that the BPD would forever ruin every relationship she would ever have torments me at least as much as the abuse I endured to this very day (in fact, that guilt is something I’m currently working on in therapy for my C-PTSD). But, try as one might, it is almost impossible for them to see that they desperately need help and so the cycle continues with each new relationship. I hesitate to say exactly what I believe her childhood trauma was, but if my suspicions are correct then it was an extraordinarily awful act of betrayal and abuse by a certain family member that likely contributed to her developing BPD in the same way my abuse in childhood lead to my developing C-PTSD, the collapse of my mental and physical health, and becoming a codependent empath as an adult.
I can also attest from experience that there are effectively zero resources available for male victims of domestic violence, we can’t even take the risk of trying to defend ourselves when we are being battered, and there are no victim resources whatsoever (especially 25 years ago) even though men represent a large proportion of DV victims (far larger than most realize) - had I showed up at a DV shelter I would have been arrested for being male and there were no support groups for men back then (even today, such support groups for men are exceedingly rare). I am exceedingly grateful that women at least have access to some resources once they are ready to leave abusive relationships, I just wish men had similar resources when they need them as it is a very terrifying position to be in!
Sadly, as an already abuse survivor, that relationship destroyed what was left of my ability to extend trust to others so I have neither pursued any new romantic relationships nor been able to make any new close friends in more than 25 years. I finally started therapy for the C-PTSD a few months ago at 48. I had first tried to seek help nearly 30 years ago only to be further abused by a pair of egotistical psychiatrists at a time when I was much too weak to defend myself from their abuse and I had to escape from them and bury my past abuse just to heal from their abuse and try to move on with my life as best I could on my own. I’m grateful that you are presumably seeking therapy for your C-PTSD soon afterwards as back in the late 80s and early 90s those of us with trauma were simply blamed for being weak and treated as a joke by the psychiatric profession and there was no help or support available for abuse victims. The sooner one can seek treatment for trauma the better the outcome and the easier it is to heal the trauma...and the less fallout it has on the rest of your life. Today, at least, there seems to be much more awareness of the consequences of abuse, both adult and especially in childhood years, and it seems to be taken much more seriously rather than them treating us like a joke and actively blaming us for our abuse as they did in past decades. But I really wish there had been support for abuse survivors back then as the C-PTSD, despite the degree to which I had largely compartmentalized it, has largely run my adult life in the background, though I was largely unaware as to the full extent until recently, and it has been an unbelievably lonely and isolated adult life with very few remaining close friends since I can no longer make close friends without any trust left to extend.
In fact, my one remaining close friend (I’ve become quite isolated over the years from both C-PTSD as well as my being left disabled from my past abuse) of more than 27 years it turns out also started therapy for childhood C-PTSD and a history of violent partners the same week I did - she and I were always open about our history of mental illness but we never realized how incredibly similar our stories were as we had never shared our trauma stories as they are exceedingly personal and full of shame and are seldom shared with others (at least not in any detail). At least she and I have been able to stay in touch and talk regularly to try and support each other through this as she is also getting over a recent violent relationship with a narcissistic ex. But, aside from my therapist, she is probably about the only other person I could have shared my story with as I don’t have that level of trust in many people any more, I just wasn’t prepared for her to respond that she was dealing with exactly the same trauma though I’m grateful she was comfortable opening up about her story after I shared mine as she clearly also needed someone to talk to who would never judge her for her past and I am grateful to be that friend.
I wish you all the best in your recovery and I hope that you can regain your trust and find a more stable and loving partner in the future as I can tell you from first hand experience that going more than 25 years without any emotional or physical intimacy whatsoever absolutely sucks and I don’t recommend such. But I also understand the fear and lack of trust that comes with such abusive relationships and I am grateful that you were able and willing to seek therapy soon after escaping the relationship. I’m very sorry that you had to endure that ordeal and I promise you that there are many men out there who would never abuse you so please don’t give up as you do deserve much better and are worthy of such love and respect!
@@artgirl7480 I hope EMDR is dependent on the practioner's expertise in that area. I am on a waiting list ... Apparently it'll be another 3 months before I will be seen. The EMDR therapy I had years ago was a total waste of my time and money. Insurance didn't cover it.
Wow right on point. Thanks god I didn't get married with my now ex-girlfriend. It's been a CRAZY 1 and a half year... Now time to heal myself and retrieve those lost friendships.
This was my first marriage. Interestingly my therapist said that most people with BPD can grow out of it. I'm remarried for years now, happy, and no longer in this type of toxic relationship
I was diagnosed at 19. At age 43 I can say that the child-like behavior of my youth that resulted in BPD behaviors is healed. It took ego death- many dark nights of the soul- to face myself and overcome. Once we face our fears of abandonment and rejection, we begin to heal that child who didn't know what to do. Wishing a successful journey to all who seek healing.
I have basically grown out of it as well. I have gained a lot of self control, and am able to talk myself out of my illogical thoughts.
Lucky' u
I see it get worse with age but better when staying out of relationships
@@alchemicalsoul your so right
This video really helped me understand my failed marriage and myself better. Thanks for the analysis.
This description is VERY applicable to the current intersection of true crime & pop culture. TY for discussing this clearly, concisely & with great empathy.
Wow, this talk is extremely illuminating! Thank you.
I especially focused on the part where the husband and wife have so many problems and arguments, and yet they stay married as often as couples with happy marriages. Several articles I read on Borderline Personality said that a woman will have - a fear of abandonment. And Todd mentioned that she loses her identity. She tends to see her husband and herself as one person.
So these are my thoughts, the wife wants to stay married to a man she argues with, due to:
1: Her identity is her and her husband as a couple. If she leaves him, she loses her identity.
2: The idea of leaving the marriage is scary for her.
The combining of two people is called enmeshment.
Outstanding outline of BPD. After living with a BPD wife for 7 years, every single point made here is accurate and precisely defined. Amazing pattern recognition and related at a practical level of vocabulary. THANKS.
My Master's program uses his videos for references, he's all over my papers for citations :D
Where do you attend college?
my daughter's been required to listen to some of his videos for her grad school art therapy as well
Wow that’s cool. He’s like a lil celebrity for y’all psych students. I couldn’t take psychology! I’d go crazy. Ahah! I’m crazy enough
A lot of these videos take normal situations and personalities reedescribe them as disorders. It's a bit sinister
Debtwarrior that’s more reflective of the DSM and current psychiatry
I have BPD, didn't know it until I was 31, I'm 35 now. I've been with my husband for 8 years. As long as I do the work, the DBT therapy and stay on top of my self awareness, major problems are avoided. I've never hit him or destroyed any of his property. I've destroyed a few of my phones by throwing them at walls and dressers. My problems are mostly poor communication, inappropriate anger and attention seeking. We're not all batshit crazy.
Maybe you were misdiagnosed?
Good for you for engaging with therapy 🙏
BPD IS LIKE ANTI SOCIAL FOR MEN
poor communication because
1 you want to face and discuss but end up talking mean words
2 you wait until the rage goes down but then you felt embarrassed.
3 ...or you feel no point talking and discuss knowingly that you will rage again.
4. you feel you have the right to do it and no one understand how little option do you have not to do it..
I think the work you are doing is admirable. But “inappropriate anger and attention seeking” is absolutely “batshit crazy”... evidenced by your destruction. Believe me, I get it though. My anger doesn’t last long, but boy am I blind with rage sometimes. It’s always understandable anger... just way “extra”. I’ve only thrown something like 3 times (like my glasses across the room) - and that was “batshit crazy” level. Funny thing is that I believe my husband is BPD (years ago his therapist told him she believed he was, then he stopped seeing that therapist), and he brings out the crazy in me that I never knew I had. How messed up is that?
"and the results are usually somewhat positive." You can tell Dr. Grande likes to stick to the facts. I feel like a lot of other people would say, "and the results can be positive" or sell it even harder with, "and the results are very often positive." He chose "usually somewhat" which speaks to a carefulness. That's a good therapist.
I’m a new PMHNP (FNP for 22 years) but just passed my boards 11/21. Your case discussions have been invaluable to me, and you really break everything down so well. Thank you so much. When I finally get a job (don’t understand my crappy luck lately) I will give a donation for your good work. Honestly. Because I’m grateful to have access to them.
Your content and assessments are excellent. Thank you for your thorough analysis. It’s greatly appreciated!
One of your greatest videos yet. Thank you, Dr. G.
Thank you, Dr Grande. Another great video! I read the comments and just feel it isimportant to clarify that people with BPD who seek professional support have good outcomes. I am diagnosed with BPD depression and anxiety. I have spent 2 years in a therapeutic community doing mentalisation therapy and 4 years Freudian psychoanalytic therapy. I still struggle but with professional help have made huge positive changes. Demonising people with personality disorder doesn't help. It just continues the stigma of mental health shaming. I am so grateful that the UK provides free treatment for people with BPD and so many people with BPD make really positive changes....
Did you ever try Cognitive behavioral therapy at all. My daughter has borderline traits and I was looking into that but no psychiatrist I know seems to understand how to treat this disorder, thanks.
@@theveganvillainess2404 hi. I have heard really great things about DBT. Whether mentalisation or DBT, the outcomes are good once treatment is done. I also benefited from art therapy. I also take medication and believe whatever treatment path she takes, with love and support she will get better. My relationships are so much better with my friends and family. Good luck. Xxx
@@applesmae1845 thank you
I have BPd and live in the US. Nobody cares over here about people with mental health. They would much rather you just give up on life and save everyone else the trouble. Makes me sad, I am a human being too. I didnt ask to have BPD. But because I do, I cant have any relationships. Its truely unfair. People without mental illness just think we choose to behave the way we do. Smh.
Why didn't you get DBT as first treatment? I am interested as I've had DBT, then CAT, on NHS, then Schema privately.
There is hope out there - I was diagnosed 10 years ago with bpd. My husband and I worked very hard and we still have a therapist we check in with. Learning my triggers and recognizing when an emotion is destructive(but real) has been a true livesaver.
This is sooo amazing!! There is hope for the a happy life!!!
Wow your channel is growing so fast. Wtg Dr. G
I have BPD , thank you for a fair and balanced view. No coddling or demonization.
Love the way you add subtle hints of humor sometimes. Great video
An excellent video. Remember, people with BPD are not monsters, though they can be monstrous. It is a condition. It too often ends in suicide. It can affect wonderful people. It can be drug induced.
Bpd people do not often kill themselves, but they do threaten it more then average. BTW....
Nice of you to say. I still disqualify them as partners.
Life is difficult enough, I tried. Never again
@@DennisNeijmeijer 😅hindsight is 20 )20..I get it
@@chrisdacrisis4670 sorry for your loss
No. They ARE monsters - & they'll suck your soul dry!
Thank you for this video. My brother is married to a borderline. She is physically abusive to him and refuses to speak to our parents. She won't attend holidays or other family events, and then complains that she's "not included." I used to try very hard to be her friend and to be supportive of her mental health struggles, but when our mom was diagnosed with cancer she made it clear that our friendship was a one way street. I'm kind of done trying at this point. Divorce is against my religious beliefs, but I wish my brother would just move on. Men can be victims of domestic violence too.
I have a dear friend in a similar situation.He is a devout catholic, so in a sense divorce was also something he tried to avoid. But unfortunately, it got to the point of physical abuse and after years of psychological, emotional and even financial abuse, he decided to separate. Just advise your brother to be extremely careful, because the wife in the case I am mentioning, when she realized he was going to file for divorce, turned things around and accused him of abuse of their children. He lost everything fighting for custody of his 6 kids, and she managed to force 4 of them into not having contact with him at all.
@@silvinasi I can realy feel him, this really touches my heart as a father of two young daughters and a husband of a woman with a BPD. I will divorce tomorrow and I now how terrible she will act, God bless your friend
He should get her therapy. Also careful dating can help make wiser decisions who you marry.
@@silvinasi So terrible..😭😭💔
My wife ex wife had BPD and I can tell you that it was the worst relationship I've ever had
But it almost felt great before y'all got married right? Then after they get to stage (variable depending on what they want most) and then all down hill.
don't worry, it felt that way to her, too.
@@tdeuce7 guilt can do that to you...
Substitute "daughter" for "wife" & that's my situation! 😱😱😱😱😱
@@tdeuce7 probably not as bad as for him.... BPD is basically anti social personality disorder but for women
O M G !!! You're almost up to 400k subscribers ... Well done Todd ☀️🌞☀️
I just exited a 16 year marriage, 20 year relationship with an undiagnosed BPD. My jaw is still laying on the ground where I first read the 9 criteria about a decade ago. I can't tell you how many times I laughed and/or shook my head with how spot on everything you just spoke was.
Especially the part where you mentioned the husband and OCD.
However, I never had any issues prior with OCD before I met my ex.
I was diagnosed with GAD and OCD about 4 years ago during a severe nervous breakdown. I often wonder how much of that toxic marriage for all those years contributed to me having those diagnoses. I may have had OCD slightly in my life, but nothing ever really shown. I did have panic attacks seldom?
I don't know.
Good content man!
.
Yes! Exactly the topic I was looking for! The first part was great, thanks for the wife part too
"The fifth sign is that the wife is dissatisfied in the marriage...interestingly, this isn't so different from non-BPD marriages..." You took the words right out of my mouth, LOL! Just playin'. Thanks for another great, informative vid.
Lmao needed that laugh
Lots of lightbulb moments-very informative.Thank you
I love your videos! Such great information and content. Thank you!
Thanks Doc. Quite funny , intersecting and informative.👍🏻
i love how soothing your voice is.. helps me fall asleep
As always, great information. Love your topics. Very knowledgeable. 🐝
I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. It's exhausting! For your own brain to be both your lifeline AND your mortal enemy... I don't understand how I'm not an addict or an alcoholic other than knowing the types of problems those tend to cause
It's a spiritual war. It's Satan.
I was married to a woman with borderline traits and it was very bad about 5% of the time at the beginning, then progressively worse over the 17 year marriage. I only understood what was going on after a few months of talking with a therapist, and reading “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”.
Doctor Grande, god bless you for giving your life toward helping humanity’s most difficult issues; healing and directing human communication !💕🙏
Hi, doc. Loved this video! Have you done one on the different attachment styles (fearful, distracted, etc)? That would be terribly useful. Thanks!
My friend was just diagnosed with BPD and I'm trying to learn more to be supportive. Thanks Dr!
Don't start with this video- there's too much nuance and high scale BPD. Its pretty explosive. Which is not always BPD.
There are four types of Borderline ‼️Dr Ramani has videos about it, and other Mental issues‼️
do yourself a favor and stop being friends with them. it's not your responsibility
This is frighteningly accurate. Thank you for another excellent message 👏👏
Can you make a video about Onision (a popular youtuber) and Shiloh's relationship? He was 10 years older than her, sexually abused her, shaved her head, cut her off from family and friends, and would stonewall and gaslight her. She would then be pushed to a point where she would: verbally attack, scream, throw things, all in an attempt to get him to stop hurting her. He would film her, post it on his channel, then spread this idea that she was borderline and that SHE was the crazy one who abused HIM.
Do you think you can make a video explaining the effects of abuse and: how people with NPD will push someone to the point where they blow up. And the narcissist uses it as a weapon to make the other person look "crazy".
Alex Torres I am currently experiencing this exact dynamic with my parents. I get pushed every day, all day until I react or shut down, then they use either reaction as proof I am awful ***justifying their dislike for me. It is bizarre and it is extremely destructive.
That would be interesting!
I would very much like the good doctor's insight on the onision thing. He should do chris hansen too lol.
@@michelemurphy3541 That's a game that my Mother used to play with me. I just used to shut down. If I reacted, she'd likely get violent.
@@reswobiandreaming3644 I have read, people with these personality disorders force the people around them into their emotions. I don’t know if this is accurate but I suspect it is somewhat happening, in some way-they either can’t or don’t want to have emotional spectrum so they pick on, nit pick, attack and so on, others into high emotional states because it satiates themselves.
I am sorry you went through it, it is awful. Thank goodness we are figuring out what it was so we can get to our own lives. *they steal everyone’s life from them with the years and years of abuse-it is sickening.
I'm a new sub! Not sure how I was blessed to stumble upon one of your videos, but, I'm So pleased I did. I have a degree in social work, but years experience in doing individual therapy. I've been out of the field for years, I was just burned out. I'm refinding my interest and passion again! Im considering the leap to grad school:)
Thank you Dr Grande for an interesting video . 💜
Thank you for covering this topic, Dr. Grande.
The part about the gasoline, and your telling of it, is priceless!😂
My husband told me he is broken because of my bpd. I feel like a monster.
You're not a monster, Louisa.
I hope you will seek and find help that works for you.
Timestamps:
1. (2:32) Distress begins early
2. (3:28) Personality traits in both husband and wife
3. (5:27) The four attachment style irregularities
4. (7:42) Terrible problem solving, communication skills, and frequent arguing
5. (11:28) Wife's dissatisfaction and frequent breakups
6. (12:20) The "love hard fight hard" relationship and isolation
7. (13:31) Wife believes sex equals forgiveness
8. (14:23) Wife's extreme jealousy and husband's isolation
9. (14:48) Wife searching for idealized true love, husband searching for end to the anger.
10. (16:02) Contemplating divorce
Thank God somebody finally pointed out that when one partner has a serious mental health issue, the other partner often tends to have issues, too. Mentally and emotionally healthy people don't *generally* go running for someone with serious and obvious issues. Even a White Knighter will usually have his reasons, to wit: insecurity, a need for a purpose outside himself, a desperate need to be "needed," and so on. People love to say "My PARTNER was a narcissist/was passive-aggressive/was this or that" and while the blame should not be put on the victim, and NOBODY should ever be abused, well, come on. Do healthy people generally want and marry train wrecks? Even playing the "I can never be wrong, period, it 100% has to be my partner's fault" card is not exactly indicative of solid mental health. JMO, not a professional (obviously).
Yeah, people like to say "I'm a codependent" like it's a good thing, a quality. But in reality codependents are also fucked up. The only real victims are the children from these type of marriages in my opinion.
Yup. I have some of the characteristics of BPD, and my husband was a malignant narcissist. That was fun.
Those are the "codependent empaths" that are actually vulnerable narcissists.
It's extremely important to note that BPD afflicted people are excellent at mirroring and putting up a fake front. They manipulate everything to make you think they are "your perfect match", when in reality they are only drawing you into their dark world. I don't think you could say a person has issues because they like what is presented - that would be the same as saying people who get swindled of their life savings brought it on themselves. At the most, kindness and misplaced trust are the "issues" of the BPD's victims.
@@Jimbeaux you act like it’s intentional. It’s a personality disorder. They’re not mirroring you for sport...and don’t even realize they’re doing it. Water seeks its own level it’s called accountability
Thank you for always putting sources!!
I found it very interesting to learn that the husbands of BPD wives have a tendency to already be anti-social and troubled with substance abuse.
They have to be troubled, as my BPD daughter has discovered sane stable people don't take their crap long, only a dysfunctional person or one with unresolved issues (ie, doesn't see, or chooses to ignore, all sorts of warning signs etc) will get into a relationship with them .
@@joan-lisa-smith did you give it to her? Yikes
@@joan-lisa-smith actually damaged people want damaged people.
Thats the truth.
Excellent information and quite surprising; it's not what I expected to hear. 🤗👍
Thank you for these videos, Dr. Grande!
It always amazing me how you can condense such a vast array of information without compromising the quality of the information. If anything you seem to be able to make very complicated knowledge understandable for everyone. That's so important. I also feel that you helping overall with a beautiful upgrade in attitude towards people with mental health issues. That stigmata needs to burst wide open. For all our sakes. You are only as strong as your weakish link. Top of morning 🌄
Ummm...this sounds like my ex husband actually. I was watching this because of the JD/AH trial. But these descriptions sounds like how my ex acted. It was SO exhausting and nothing helped or stopped the fights or made things better, no matter how much I gave in or tried to make peace. I am so thankful I finally let go. I had to because I became physically sick because of how much stress it caused. He also got really angry if anyone talked to me instead of him or if I laughed with friends over a joke. And anything could set him off. The last year we were together he got intensely more violent and verbally mean. It was horrible
This describes a woman I lived with for two years.
She'd start arguments over the most trivial, sometimes non existent matters. If I answered back and pointed out how wrong her thinking was she would would attack me and try to scratch my face, on many occasions she ripped clothing off me leaving friction burns on my neck.
If I refused to argue with her she would also attack me, but on one occasion she picked up a piece of broken glass and slashed her arm so badly she gave herself permanent nerve damage - suicide talk followed that.
A few months after I ended it with her she got in touch wanting to try again, aside from this behaviour she was great, but she was two people.
I told her no and said that "I must be very annoying to live with to make you behave like that - because you don't behave with other people like that do you"? That's when a look of realisation swept over her face and she went.
Exactly. Why is it only in the home, with their supposed loved ones. They hide their condition from others, in the public, yet unleash their disorder in their very own house.
@@panama2468 ...absolutely! My son’s friend just said this a few days ago. She’s not like that when I’m there. Makes one wonder if they can control their reactions/behaviour when they choose to.
As always a great video! Very useful information
I feel energised but also peaceful after watching one of Dr. Grande's informative videos. It's because his interface consistently embraces "we/us", never "us/them". My positive responsiveness points to the fact that this fairness permeating his presentations means that not only is this approach needed but also rare. Its inspirational nature is influencing my own intra/interpersonal stance. Though I will maintain No Contact with several people experiencing untreated BPD, it will be derived from understanding our differences than my previous labelling them as noxious. Yay!
This all actually sounds like my husband (pretty sure he's got a bunch of PD's, including BPD and NPD)...our past therapist suggested he has "NPD and many other issues", and also diagnosed me with PTSD from my husband's abuse. I have felt at times, though, like his abuse brings out BPD-type traits in me, like strong emotions, jealousy, and fear (which, of course he uses against me and treats me like it's the cause rather than the effect of his abuse - I believe this is part of his gaslighting), which I've never experienced like this before, but maybe that's just the PTSD.
Rebecca the Robot this is what I am trying to sort through. He was great in the beginning but after the kids were born he changed drastically. He would accuse me of being suspicious, of having paranoid personality disorder. No one had ever said that to me before. I swear he would do and say things to bring it about - like talking to someone at 6am in the morning on the phone asking them if they were going to be there. I heard him talking and when I confronted him he said “ did you sneak up on me” “ you are suspicious, you are crazy, you need help. He said he was calling an office that he had to do work - really at 6am.? He started guarding his phone and having conversations outside, his behavior got really squirrelly. Who wouldn’t react to it. I was married for 21 years, his behavior really ramped up the last year we were together.I have been in therapy for almost 4 years. He has smeared me to family, our children, and now I am so reactive I don’t know if I have BPD or still suffering from CPTSD. All I know is I am different now then before I met him. I never had a relationship like that before, separated for 3 years and divorced for 2. I don’t know if I will ever be healed enough to date again and I am already getting old.
Betsy, sounds a lot like some stuff with my husband. And you ended up doubting yourself like he told you to? I'm getting better at not self-doubting but, unfortunately, I still struggle, sometimes more than others. For some reason, gaslighting is one of the most hurtful things I've ever dealt with, probably even harder than the cheating.
Significant emotional dysregulation is a component of PTSD/C-PTSD and can easily resemble BPD and Bipolar Disorder in many respects. But if you actually have BPD then you would also expect your partner to be severely devalued (to the point of seeing them as pure evil) without any good reason during BPD episodes - devaluing them while they are abusing you isn’t BPD, the irrationality of BPD devaluing is more like suddenly hating your partner, violently even, in the course of mere seconds because, in your eyes, their hug seemed “less warm” than usual and suddenly you are convinced they are going to abandon you so you absolutely unload upon them.
There are a lot of parallels between PTSD/C-PTSD, BPD, APD, and NPD as they all are typically the product of severe abuse (oftentimes childhood abuse) so we share a common origin. But precisely how each is expressed and the motivations behind each are what differentiates one from the other in many respects. As a survivor of childhood C-PTSD and a codependent empath I can see many parallels between myself and Borderline PD, but they are not the same despite sharing many similarities. It’s not uncommon for PTSD/C-PTSD to be misdiagnosed as Borderline PD, Bipolar. Antisocial PD, etc. if they don’t make a complete assessment of your trauma history and symptoms and behaviors. It is also perfectly possible for someone with BPD, for example, to also have some variant of PTSD since they both frequently have childhood trauma at their core.
@Ethan Poole Your explanation makes total sense to me. Your explanation of the BPD (rather than PTSD) symptoms, like raging because of a perception, is EXACTLY my husband. That's why it's so scary - it's like, you don't know exactly when, why, or how severe it's going be, you just know it's inevitable that it's going to happen. "Walking on eggshells" doesn't even come close to describing the fear I, and my children, have had to live with. And the fact that he often goes out and drinks and drives after/during an "episode" makes it even more scary.
Rebecca the Robot I know well what you mean, when your partner begins splitting (black & white, good vs. evil thinking) you can literally see their state of mind switch just from watching their eyes, one second they are looking at you with warmth and compassion and the very next second comes a cold blank stare followed by the rage, and then the devaluing cycle begins and it is terrifying to be on the receiving end of such. You never know what small and seemingly insignificant event or comment may set off the next round of devaluing and abuse. In my case she was a close friend that progressed into a romantic relationship that lasted about 6 months after we moved in together back in college so I wasn’t as trapped as one in a marriage with children might be, but it was still a terrifying chapter in my life and I’ve not been with another woman in over 25 years after that relationship (it has been an exceedingly lonely 25 years!), it was that terrifying and it destroyed the last remaining bit of trust I had left given that I already struggled with childhood C-PTSD from a very abusive adolescence.
The more you can learn about BPD, and especially resources on living with someone with BPD, the more empowered you will be should you choose to remain in this relationship as there are things that we can do differently to try and mitigate their irrational fear of abandonment. I wish I had known what BPD was, or even that such was what she had (she was undiagnosed), 25 years ago as I would have been in a far better position to help manage her and I would have understood the role that my own personality’s tendency to shutdown and dissociate (freeze/fawn per the 4 Fs - fight, flight, freeze, fawn) under extreme stress played in exacerbating her fear of abandonment when the devalue cycles would begin. If I had possessed that knowledge I could have been a great deal more reassuring early on in the devalue cycle in the hope of bypassing much of the violence which is really meant as a twisted sort of commitment test but which in reality tends to push their partners away. More knowledge may also help in convincing the partner to seek help, although getting individuals with personality disorders to recognize their need for help is often very difficult.
But if the violence is too great then sometimes the only possible solution is to leave the partner as difficult and heartbreaking as that can be as we still love them. I wish more people understood how hard leaving someone we love dearly is, but most who offer that advice know only the negatives of the relationship nor understand our own fears (many of us also have our own abandonment fears, such as with codependency, we just don’t necessarily react violently) and little of what it is that we see as the positives in those we love. My girlfriend was 95% the heart of an angel who would give the shirt off her back to a total stranger if they were in need and 5% demonic possession with unfathomable violence courtesy of BPD - leaving that 95% was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but she was not willing to get proper help and treatment and I could not continue to live wondering whether I would wake up one morning to a slit throat, so, sadly, the 5% won out. But that relationship still torments me decades later and is one of the many issues I am currently working through in my treatment for childhood C-PTSD.
This explained me to a T. Especially the last part where you mentioned borderline people have a more sensitive intuition that brings them to therapy in the first place. I’ve always been very hyper aware of my own feelings as well as others. I also used to break my husband sentimental valuables and now I’ve learned a lot from therapy. Therapy has taught me to recognize when I start to do split black-and-white thinking, and recognize my depressed and or manic mood swings. I love your channel. Thank you for accurately describing borderline to the public.
My wife has been diagnosed with this. Thank you for a very informative video
Thank you for pointing out that generally people that date/marry individuals with personality disorders HAVE ONE ALSO! So many finger pointers need to look at themselves
I have BPD and recently started marriage counseling with my husband. I definitely see the anger, urges to self harm, jealousy (of his closeness to his family- I'm not worried about him cheating), and I'm embarrassed to say I've thrown things (at the wall, not him). Conflict also began for us right away. I've withdrawn. He's flipped in my mind from being my partner to being my adversary. I feel bad that he's had to cope with all of that. He's pretty closed off, so I'm not sure if he has some mental illness also, but I suspect he might. This video at least gives me hope that we're able to work through things that are not entirely uncommon. I'm also glad I'm not so far gone that setting his truck on fire seems like a good idea- holy cow.
My jealousy has almost ruined my life , 15 years in a relationship but mostly feel alone jealous that he pets the dam dog and gives her affection then grunts a hello at me as he pushes past (don't we all treat the dog better though.?) He is so distant and uninterested it makes me feel more alone , no diagnosis but there's something neuro divergent about both of us ! I may have BPD .. he may be ASD undiagnosed. ... Seeking help still .
A video about treatment options and rates of success would be much appreciated. Thank you :)
My sister was diagnosed with BPD and now I’m convinced that my parents have it. Great video.
Thank you for the video! Would you please do a video on Richard Kuklinski? You briefly touched on him in one video.
Thank you so much for making this. I suspect my former partner may have BPD, but he is a man. If you haven’t already, could you please make a video about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a guy who has this disorder? I see you have one that is about men though that I’ll definitely watch
For me, all of this is definitely relatable. My wife has BPD. Currently, she has it under more control than she did when it was full blown.
I’m extremely proud of her.
I admire her for how hard she’s worked. Because she has worked really hard.
But (yes, there’s a “but”…sorry), if I’m honest, I’m still pretty messed up from being on the other end of the BPD. I was, am, and will potentially continue to be her “target”.
I’m not going to get into the particulars. Most of the negative things they say will happen, did happen.
I’m in therapy and continue to work on trauma I incurred, as well as the resentments and hard feelings that I still harbor against my wife.
I know that might sound like a shitty thing on my part, but it’s the truth, the reality.
I mean, it was all out war.
I was in pure survival mode for quite awhile.
It was so g’damn scary and frustrating and maddening…and heartbreaking…because I love my wife and I knew she was in a kind of pain that I’ll likely never experience.
Still, it’s unbelievably difficult to remind oneself of that, that the person with BPD is suffering, when it’s right in your face, when your spouse is literally destroying you psychologically and emotionally. There were multiple instances of physical…well, abuse, I guess you would call it, as well.
Ultimately, we’re still married and working on ourselves as individuals, as a couple and as parents.
I’ll end it here, I suppose. I don’t even know why I wrote this in the first place. But I did, so I’m not going to delete it now🙂
My therapist told me, " imagine having no skin.....just being a naked membrane with no protection...not even protection from the wind.....that is the reality your wife is living every day. " Sometimes remembering this helps not be defensive....when she constantly misreads, or misinterperts my good intentions......she won' t accept her bpd....and I for sure am co dependant and avoidant.....
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.
Part of what is so difficult is that, the BPD individual can be so lovely at times too & this opposite behavior just sets up a trauma bond eventually.
I had to leave my female best friend of 20 years due to this. She might actually go years in between full on raging at me to the point that she would attack me, but on a pretty consistent daily basis she was just always in an irritable mood and anything could set her off at any given time and she basically just would not care how she behaved or who was around and how it affected anyone.
She would actually say she did not care & that we pushed her to that point.
She would apologize, but because I come from a trauma background I know this kind of apology and it generally is the kind of apology where the individual is only embarrassed by the fact that people saw them that way, they are not sorry about how it affected you & they don’t care generally about how it affects other people because they are so caught up with the way they feel that they lose empathy for others.
The third and final time which was the worst that my best friend attacked me physically I truly thought I might have to either call the police or literally defend myself with a weapon.
Once I no longer felt safe in her physical presence, that was the end of it for me. I tried to communicate with her over the phone, via letter all these types of things but all she did was attack me verbally all she did was scream & yell and of course labeled me as the bad guy saying to other people that I walked out on her in a time of emotional distress and nothing could be further from the truth.
Sadly, I don’t miss her, and I’m much happier now that it’s over. I had to reclaim myself, and my sanity and it was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made in my life, harder than divorcing my husband, and yet it was one of the greatest lessons of my life and enabled me to come to a point of healing about my previous traumas and what I had brought to that situation.
I was completely a codependent who didn’t truly know myself & my people pleasing ways were a type of manipulation to keep the peace, but I was only enabling toxic behavior with my own dysfunctional behavior.
I had enabled her for many many years by not holding her fully accountable. Any time I would try to hold her accountable she would rage at me and so clearly I no longer tried.
Once I did the deep dive of therapy & healing work in groups, etc I finally found the lynchpin was my CPTSD from a VERY abusive childhood with adults VERY similar to my friend’s energy. I was primed for that dynamic since birth so until I did the work to pull up the issues, I didn’t see the connection. Prior to that work, the only thing I knew to say to her was that I thought we both had childhood trauma that was manifesting as a toxic relationship. I asked for temporary time away & she became even more toxic so it was then I realized I had to let go for BOTH of us. I did so without resentment, as I realized I would always love her but we could not have a healthy relationship without doing the work separately & she had no interest in that.
I decided to reply to you because it’s so clear that you’re in pain and I definitely understand that pain. In the end you really have to take care of yourself because it does not really matter what is wrong with another person, that person has an individual responsibility to take care of themselves and their mental health. It is not our fault what happens to us that created the mental issue, but it is our responsibility as adults to take a first-hand approach and full responsibility for our behaviors. And for our healing.
There is no rescue squad coming for any of us as adults, and we are 1000% responsible for what we do with our emotions both to ourselves and other people. We must hire that rescue squad & we can’t fix a hole in the wall we can’t see.
We cannot expect people to stay in our life if we continually emotionally, and physically at times, abuse them. No one should have to put up with that, and no marriage vow should make you put up with that. I hope you find peace in your life in whatever way you finally decide🙏
* please pardon my grammar, voice texting lol
@@cup_o_TMarie want to tell you you have a beautiful writing ability :) i am so impressed with your hard work to handle what you wrote about. i concur regarding trauma bonds. i wish everyone knew about that concept because it's very important. so glad to hear you feel much healthier. you did good, kiddo !
hey, i hope you read my reply - cuz i want to commend you, tell you how proud-from-afar i am of all that you have handled so well. obviously, very tough stuff. from what you wrote it seems she has also worked hard to learn some coping strategies that will help you both towards a workable relationship format. again, it's not easy i know. pls don't beat yourself up over all the bitter feelings you may have (over all that has happened), it's only natural that you would have PTSD from it all. but if you see her progress and enjoy her when she's at her best, i hope for a stable-ish future together. i admit i'm a hardcore romantic though, and know that you have to take care of yourself primarily. her "condition" could have created too much damage for you to overcome. you can want the best for someone but still have to let go sometimes. you sound like a wonderful man and it was very thoughtful of you to write a response here in the comments. wishing and sending you much peace. pls remember to be proud (in a good way) of yourself!
Just got thru 5 days of my wife’s anger and silent treatment bc I messed up the billing on Apple Music. This triggered her fear of abandonment (I can “take” the music service maybe next I’ll take the house?!) Hoping the rest of the month is episode free.
This explains so much. Thank you.
This video legit saved my life. Thank you.
Great video. Thank you.
Thank God I’ve never experienced this type of relationship with myself even though I’m divorced. When I was unhappy within my marriage I just shut down and withdrew. Was only married 3 years.
Thank you for your explanation.
Thank you for this!
Excellent! It's critical for the H to understand the emotional basis that underlies the behavior. Dr. Grande does a great job. Could be saving marriages here ... and perhaps some lives.
The gas in the car scenario was especially compelling, as it displays the attention-seeking nature of even the most horrifying behavior. "See how angry I am! And it's Your fault"!!!
Trauma attracts trauma. It doesn't have to implode if both partners have the drive to work hard on themselves aside from their relationship. It's sad, because children who suffer trauma (abuse/neglect) weren't at fault - yet will have to carry those burdens.
Just stumbled on to this channel . Really Good. Actually excellent
Thanks may God bless you
That was very accurate analysis of what I have witness amongst my family
Help! This describes my marriage of 26 years to a T! I am definitely avoidant that is why I have put up with it for so long. Thousands of $$ in counseling with no favorable results. I believe I am about to pull my head out of the sand and do something but I fear what she will do. She has told everyone we know about my struggles in life in an effort to try and make herself look like a saint. We have no friends. The last couple that tried to help us are now according to her no longer her friends because she felt they were siding with me (not true). Our kids are grown now and gone. I guess I’m at a crossroads in life. Everything in this video describes my marriage exactly.
That’s a shame. You deserve to be happy. You can lead a horse to water, as they say...I do wish you well!
Duuuude! Get OUT of there. Sneak out, slip out but LEAVE. Seriously, life’s too short. Don’t announce anything until you’re at a safe distance-& stay that way! If the therapy didn’t help, you CANT either. Maybe after some years pass, you can reconcile or at least resume speaking. But the ill have to be self-motivated to change their condition. Plus, being afraid of what anybody else will do is no way to live. Best to ya! 🌱
Idk if you're still in the relationship... But have you tried talking to someone with BPD about ways to cope with her? Females with BPD require a very.... Specific, heavy-handed approach from their significant other, what's typically seen as controlling in average relationships. We require more forcefulness in order to feel secure and taken care of, because we can't emotionally take care of ourselves. Unless you took the latter advice, to run from the "evil" person who you invested your life with whom birthed and raised your children. Ik we can be hard to handle, and even abusive if completely out of control, but most of us mean well. I hope that whatever decision you made worked out for both of you.
Get out! Your life is wasting away.
Get out. What do you have to lose. Your kids are old enough to withstand it
An avoidant husband / bpd wife combination being less likely to divorce just says to me that the husband has weak boundaries and is letting their wife do whatever they want in the relationship (and outside...)
Sounds like my brother's situation. His wife is awful - she does nothing in the house, treats my brother like a servant, driven away his friends, wrecked the relationship I had with him. She cannot sustain friendships and is very manipulative. My brother's easy-going and laidback nature has allowed her to get away with murder. To say I dislike her is a massive understatement. Over 30 years' worth of her destructiveness finally drove me to the point of no return - I gave it to her with all guns blazing. I'm usually pretty easygoing, but there comes a time when enough is enough.
@One Mucky Pup After so many years I wonder whether your brother will ever change his situation. Tbh he's probably way too enmeshed now. I'm single and wary about getting involved with anyone now - by my age (50) there are a lot of women being recycled back into the dating pool who have BPD/NPD tendencies and I'd rather avoid all that. Then again I have AvPD tendencies and a lot of women would counsel their girlfriends to not get involved with someone like me, so it cuts both ways.
@@grayhalf1854 My brother won't leave now - he's 70 later this year. I totally understand why you are wary - I'm the same. I really don't need to have a partner in order to be happy. Thanks for your honest answer - it's refreshing. Best of luck in life - be happy. Love from Australia xxx
@@onemuckypup9823 Thanks Mucky, all the best to you and your brother, from a rainy London town 🙏
Thank you for posting this ! Another aspect perhaps that seems to be interesting is that perhaps the wife/husband with BPD, may not entertain the thought of divorce because they have a fear of abandonment. So, in some cases, no matter how abusive the relationship may be, the thought of divorce or separating may be more of a fear to them than the physical or psychological abuse that may be witnessed in the relationship.
Sharing this is going to start a fight lol I was diagnosed with bpd about 5-6 years ago, but I have not bought it. I am calm, collected, and logical. On the other hand there is a lot of irrational behavior on the normal party’s side. I have had my ring thrown at me time and time again just to run back to me when shit gets too hard. Regardless, I enjoy your content. Keep up the good work👌