Can Someone with Borderline Love Others? | Triangular Theory of Love
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2019
- This video answers the questions: Can a someone with borderline personality disorder love somebody romantically or non-romantically? What is the triangulation theory of love?
Borderline Personality Disorder:
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), we see nine symptom criteria for borderline personality disorder and five have to be met for a diagnosis. The symptom criteria include frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging, suicidal behavior, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, and paranoid ideation or dissociation. Borderline personality disorder is a Cluster B personality disorder, so it’s in the same cluster is antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders.
Madey, S. F., & Rodgers, L. (2009). The effect of attachment and Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love on relationship satisfaction. Individual Differences Research, 7(2), 76-84.
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.
Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy passion and commitment. New York: Basic Books.
Sternberg, R. J. (1997). Construct validation of a triangular love scale. European Journal of Social Psychology, 27, 313-335.
Sternberg, R. J. (2006) A duplex theory of love. In R. J. Sternberg & K. Weis (Eds.), The new psychology of love (pp. 184-199). New Haven: Yale University Press.
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I think all psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors and therapists should be required to watch this channel. The world would be a better place for it
So true 👍
Overall, the message of the video is dangerous. It seems to suggest that repetition complex and emotional flashbacks are forms of love. And abuse is way of "testing" the relationship. This will just get lot of people stuck in dangerous BPD relationships. There is only one group of people who pass the BPD "testing", and that is addicts. Thats why they always end up with alcoholics etc. Sugarcoating does not really help anyone, well.. maybe borderlines who can stay in their magic unicorns land. But that is nothing more than enabling their problems.
@@nobodynowhere5213 What a refined analysis, I assume you're a great expert on the subject.
@@LaGrossePaulik UA-cam comments do have their limitations. But claiming that borderlines can love, is dangerous and incorrect. They can attach, but not love. It can be described in terms of addiction, and the relationships will end exactly when you stop providing them their "fix", that they constantly demand by various manipulative techniques. Nobody comes out healthy after being even in a short relationship with a borderline. Borderline is Cluster B, its nothing to be sugarcoated.
@@nobodynowhere5213 A fitting name for a divisive opinion. Such a low level of empathy, perhaps a little B Cluster yourself there, pal.
Probably the most intellectually satisfying description of love I've heard.
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@@joycebonney9208 exactly
Agreed
@@CicelMeMyselfAndI true
Yeah, Dr Grande is very good about giving scientific breakdowns as he promises at the start of each video, and I must say I like that he's always so dispassionate but with subtle bits of humor thrown in to lighten things up. As far as love is concerned, though, I would have thought that "love" goes much further than just romantic or sexual love. You would think it is also what you feel for a child or a parent, or even for humanity at large, for nature, etc. The golden thread that runs through all kinds of love, I would say, is a deep caring for the object of the love, and the preparedness to sacrifice towards the well-being or continued existence of the object of one's love.
When he said we're not capable of loving ourselves. My heart broke. It's true.
I think in our own way, we love ourselves 😊
Indeed 😔
@@dori3291 yea I relate. I guess I would say when I'm doing good, I only hate myself and feel worthless in bouts. My emotions are always like raw nerves, but if I'm doing well I don't get stuck on the feeling...til I do
@@dori3291 I hope I get to where you are one day. I'm still in the completely hopeless phase and currently going through a breakup. As expected, not handling things well
@@lou70x7 same with me man
As a former poster child for BPD, I often cringe at the titles of your BPD videos, but not being one to shy away from the truth, I watch them anyway. I'm never disappointed. I am well aware of the havoc this disorder has imposed on my life and the lives of pretty much everyone I've gotten close to. Sometimes it's difficult to love myself because of it, but it helps to remember that no one chooses mental illness/disorder, and I am empowered to make better decisions to facilitate my well-being. Thank you for your always succinct discussions.
This is one of the most honest comments I have ever seen on UA-cam. Courageous. Well done.
it is hard because so many of our symptoms are inherently off putting to most people
You sound like you have a lot of emotional intelligence. You’re likely a hugely important resource for others in a way you may be unable to recognize yourself.
Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case
@@realman3841 perhaps look at yourself as well. Something attracted you to that person. Look at what you can do to avoid it in the future by taking a good inventory of why you fell for that person in the first place.
I cried at the last question's answering. Self-love, at least self-acceptance and self-caring seem like foreign language. I begin DBT therapy, and when we talk about self-love, I always visualize myself as someone else, like an alien individual I do not know, because of self-image disturbance. That's a big part of the cake! A lot of work to achieve, yet there is hope 💪 thanks to specialists and researchers like you, some solutions exist. Thank you very much.
I can relate
❤❤❤
BEST Wishes for yourb continued success! 😣💖
I still have problems with being able to mentally visualize who I am. What I did find helpful was to look into a mirror and make eye contact with myself when going through sections about self love. A second way is to spend time around young children, there is no way to deny that they don't love you. I'm still not completely there but I'm much better then I was before. Now I'm not completely unlovable, I accept that others do love me I just still fail to understand why.
It's been six months i hope all is well. Your comment is how i felt too.
I agree that it's common in bpd to have anxiety about a relationship, even when it is going well, and to try to control the relationship and the other person excessively.
It's more than common. It's a defining characteristic of BPD.
I can tell my different episodes of anxiety and paranoia in regards with my marriage. Accidents, infidelity where's obviously none of it but since there's nothing to even prove it, then I tend to justify if it happens so, I'm already aching on something that doesn't seems to happen and if it happens I am already justifying it... Absolute bunkers, but I understand when I'm having that time. Then complete lost of attraction and I'm afraid he's with me because there's no other thing to do and is easier.
All of "the it could be this...." falls flat when I check with my mind how deserving I am of all the love and goodness that we share. I end up with the same "I don't deserve any of this, yet I have it" and the ideation and devaluation goes from me to myself. Isn't against him. My anger issues, all the other things, I try to control as much as I can and as we can do together. The only hate is towards me and my hubby fights with me against it.
@@Mtz2604 Love must win out over fear.
@@RaysDad thank you for remind me that. I needed it. And yup, at the end love wins when you choose to live with love in your relationship. I was chatting with my hubby about this vid and he was like "what's that bullshit question? Of course they are! Of course you are dear, wtf??"
I felt refreshed.
Your words are gonna be a positive reassurance for when I feel empty and unworthy. Thanks a lot. 💕
This is weird because I have it and don't try to control my partner at all! I guess it depends on the person.
Fantastic synopsis. I read before that people with BPD are in love with "love".the strong fantasy component on the ambivalent end of disorganised attachment while the avoidant end actively pours disdain on needing someone hence the constant pushing the partner away...which is classic fear of abandonment
Stephen Curtin can you explain this more.. this sounds fascinating I am trying to understand more about disorganized attAchment
The way you think about attachment influences the types of attachment you're likely to form and how you function within those relationships. Paetzold, Rholes, and Kohn devised a test to measure disorganized attachment. The following thoughts (or similar ones) were associated with disorganized attachment:
Feelings of fear are common in romantic relationships.
Romantic partners try to take advantage of each other.
I don't know who I am when I'm with my romantic partner.
Romantic partners are scary.
Trusting a romantic partner is dangerous.
Most people have traumatic experiences with people they're close to.
Strangers aren't as scary as romantic partners.
I feel confused about romantic relationships.
I feel frightened in distressing situations.
In both romantic and nonromantic close relationships, you can have similar thoughts and feelings, as well as these:
You run hot and cold emotionally.
You can't make sense of your experiences.
You have trouble creating a coherent story of your experiences.
You feel the world is an unsafe place.
You may lack empathy.
You may dissociate from reality.
Anxiety and depression also happen frequently for people with disorganized attachment disorder.
Story of my life.
Stephan Curtin is that why he keeps pushing me away?
@@nicoleblake9266 for love avoidant people like me, it is often a conscious fear of enmeshment (being controlled, getting too close) - that is the fear we are aware of, but there is also usually a subconscious fear of abandonment.
The end really weighed heavily on my heart. I would have done anything to save my ex. She didn't know how special she really was. Im still going through the motions of recovering from this relationship. Though I could no longer let myself be a shell of the person she made be become, I really loved her and always will. But I love me more.
Yeah, you become a shell. They control every aspect of the relationship and that was all fine when they are in the idealisation phase but then you're left just reeling. About 6 months in is when I got questioned for making advances toward her. It's when the eggshells began. Months later I finally broke as she controlled when we saw eachother and even when we spoke. I smiled while arguing with her to which she asked why. I told her I was in disbelief as reality became so clear to me and it still wasn't to her. How could she not see that I had sacrificed so much of myself to be treated callously. They distort reality for themselves and those around them. I'm glad to be out overall but I'll be working through this for a long time because at one time it felt so genuine. Hope you're doing well
I feel you. I'm in a relationship for 9 years with someone with BPD and I'm at the end of my emotional endurance. I love her so much but I can't cope with it anymore. Hope you're fine
@@jamesgraves9858 Brother I feel your pain, I’m a year now since the breakup and can tell you with full confidence that it gets better. I still miss her and think about her sometimes, but I keep those horrible moments close to my heart so they can remind me of why I left and more importantly, not to go back
@@markhendriks9050 Mark, you need to remember that you have needs of your own and that you can no longer abandon yourself. Everytime you need something and accept anything less, you’re abandoning yourself and not loving yourself. She will be fine, probably has other guys ready just in case. I’m a year out now since the breakup, and life has gotten so much better. Do yourself a favor and choose yourself. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Did she ever try to come back?
I lost my Gf of 2 years to this hideous disease. Docs nailed it on the head what I experienced.The devaluation/hate/anger phase is horrifying to watch you can’t stop it and it can Frighten a grown man to see a love one turn into someone els.
It was only almost a year for me, but otherwise...same.
You're kidding, right?
Bpd is genetic
@schwammi bpd has many causes. Trauma being one, genetic being another.
Apparently even smoking. DRugs and drinking can put the baby at risk of bpd during pregnancy.
5 years for me
i’m 15 & developing bpd according to my therapist. it’s hard trying to get ahead of it & healing from my trauma & rewiring my brain before it takes over my relationships. i’m hoping i can win the race. thank u for the video
I am happy you got ahead of it. I wasted the prime of my life living in denial, suffering and stumbling through life blind. I truly hope all the best for you
I wish I was your age when I started working on myself, you’re going to be so much better for getting yourself help now. I hope your doing well, congratulations on getting help 🙌🏻✨
I’m also 15 and I feel like something is wrong with me but I’m most likely just over dramatic
@@corinneadair2119 don’t dismiss your feeling b
Alan watts videos and zen helped tame my bpd. Give yourself time. Your 20s will be the best and worst time in your life but its perfect for learning yourself and how to love yourself. Love will come in time.
This was a wonderful explanation of a very sensitive topic. As I watched it, I thought of the BPD viewers and I imagined this could be a very painful topic for them. Yet, Dr. Grande’s delivery was direct and considerate. Another great upload - bravo 👏
M Z Same. I try not to miss an episode 😄
I agree! It got me to thinking - I have a friend with a diagnosis of BPD which I tend to question, as they're so even-keeled and have been in a very long-term relationship. OTOH, I have a younger friend who is very needy, always "burning through" relationships because they seem incredibly idealistic about romantic love & I find myself wondering if *they* in fact have BPD and the other person does not... Pointless, I know.
@@lidahall5928 Look up "quiet borderline." I believe Dr. Grande has at least one video about that.
It wasn't to painful, most of it was dead on. I disagree with being able to love yourself as I think this to goes in a cycle and it could have used a second section on how people who have gone through treatment differ from those who haven't are still in their twenties. Overall a great video though.
I appreciate the collegiate style, Dr. Grande presents. “Viewer” here. I am st a stage that was ready to connect with the idea, and then correct that part of my MO. It was great to know there are so many kinda of love. I was so afraid that when my child was born, 23 yrs ago, that I wouldn’t know how to love him. Same when daughter came. I was ok learning about LOVE but sad ending, to know, it is as I am. Learning more does make me more self aware. I do have an aversion to people/friends, colleagues etc that say they love me as part of salutations, good byes, etc. It seems ill placed. In my thoughts I feel like they had the problem. Lol. Thank you all for being kind to those you inspire and educate to help. C:
This is me to a tee. I've run from almost every relationship for my whole life. I cannot seem to establish a grounded sense of security within myself which in turn causes me to run out of reaction to my uncontrolled anxiety in a relationship after ideation fades. It's happened every time I start to get close to someone. Relationships begin quickly and intensely and usually I end them around 6 months in. I go through short and long episodes of depression when I'm single, but only really when I'm in a relationship do I feel the worst. The fear of abandonment, self sabotage and low self worth. Feeling engulfed, paranoia, loss of identity, stress and always wondering if the other person is against me and suicidal thoughts. This has caused me the most stress in my life. I am in therapy, nothing about BPD has ever come up. My last relationship was the worst because I actually loved the person, but still couldn't handle it. Thank you for your insights.
How did you know you were in love?
@@SK-no2pp It's a fair question, the last person I "loved" was a very toxic relationship that ended 15 years ago and I never got over it. I'm stuck in the muid, I want her to be happy, and she is now. It just hurts that I couldn't make her happy because I didn't understand what was happening inside of me.
@@josoffat7649 are you getting therapy now? You don’t have to live that way. It’s not your fault. You should be doing DBT therapy and EDMR. Practicing mindfulness too. I’m so sorry
@@SK-no2pp how people do know they're in love? What kind of question is that really?
wish you all tbe best !
I've given up on love and attachment. The more time I spend with someone, the more critical, paranoid and anxious I become, and I want to flee. This goes back to my childhood and the abuse and neglect I grew up with. Having this knowledge is heartbreaking, but I'm glad to finally understand my BPD and limitations; obsessive, unstable, intense, passionate, fear of abandonment, plus everything else he mentioned. Yikes.
Have you tried DBT? It takes years, sometimes decades to see solid results but it can be done with practice and perseverance. It will help in other relationships besides romantic relationships too. I hope you find happiness regardless :)
@@lachlanwilson6389 Could you say more about how does it help you? Thanks!
Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case
@@realman3841 Most pw with BPD are acting out of fear and self-preservation...those are the reasons they leave. People with BPD are super sensitive, so whatever you feel is normal arguing will re-traumatize her. Don't shame her because she feels this way. Let her move on to other people and other relationships where she can feel safe (for a while).
@@faithevolution552 She gets married after leaving me within 20 days! I can't believe it just where has this love gone in a minute ? I still love her , just wondering if she comes back at any point understanding me do you think it is wise to take her back ?
You add a level of compassion to you analysis that transcends the negativity associated with character issues. We're all human doing the best we can in spite of our conditioning. I need that in being forgiving and understanding of those I know who I have been involved with whose disorders have damaged the relationship. Thank you!
Very true. I was thinking this week about how hard it is to find ressources where BPD and NPD are not demonized or greatly shamed. It makes it difficult to value yourself enough to get vulnerable and undergo therapy when starting with the mindset that you are a monster. It is much easier to reject it and go on buisness as usual.
So I agree. Great necessary work Dr. Grande. Thank you.
I read criticism in a young psychology PhD candidate girl's video about why she unsubscribed from Dr Grande's channel and about this lack of compassion and how Dr Grande mocks his reviewed people and how sarcastic he speaks. Many commenters agreed on this. But I personally find it better to stay calm and to even sound objective on such difficult topics. But maybe your are right and people wouldn't find it negative and maybe even I would enjoy these videos more.
@@neonmarker6994 I have watched almost 100 of Dr Grande’s videos on mental disorders. I am hyper sensitive to critical remarks or biting sarcasm but have never once, not once, felt that the Dr. throws any judgement or shame toward the disordered. Speaking flatly and scientifically is perfect for folks like me who value science and logic. This is not s channel where one comes to have feel goods and rainbows and lollies. This is the place where over a million people watch to hear to the point subject matter without fluff and fakery. This is all I trust, this careful analysis based on science and research. I’m in the search for the truth. If I want fluff and feel good content, youtube has that content everywhere. It is a dime a dozen. Dr. Grande has changed my life.
I have watched this several times. I have graphed the triangular view and noted the four types of love. Putting this on paper allowed me to see what love is and where I have acted and reacted to each type of love. It brings some understanding to my past. It's hard to explain. I feel relieved. Thank you.
Someone should do one of those whiteboard animated sketching videos to videos like this. Imagery helps understanding a lot.
What an amazing idea! I'm going to have to do this too.... as of now, a lot of this is abstract to me. Especially the part about self love. I need a solid foundation to aid me in beginning to understand and I think mapping this out as you did will help with my perspective. Thank you!
Two things we borderlines know for sure. One is that no one could love us because we're not worthy of it (we learned that right along with our ABCs and we use it daily just like we do our ABCs), and the second is that if anything is going wrong it is our fault. Everybody else is normal so if there are problems that means it must be us. We want to be overcomers so that we can be happy. We also want to be overcomers so that we don't have to feel guilty if we don't "overcome". Heck, we're flooded with movies and documentaries about people who overcame incredible obstacles. How dare we fail! Add to that we've got all the motivational stuff telling us that all we have to do is think positively. The power of positive thinking! Good grief.
At the age of 71 I'm firmly convinced that the best way for us to heal is to tell the normal world with all their ridiculous judgements to go look in the mirror and apply all of their skills at making the person they see there a much better person.
BINGO.
Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case
These things are true. I think I've experienced more individuals diagnosed with BPD looking it in the face than any of the other "cluster b" personality disorders.
"Oh. I have BPD.... I must be a failure, a broken human, untreatable... I can't regulate my emotions, why stop cutting or burning myself ? I deserve the self punishment, I mean obviously ANY TIME I'm angry it can't possibly valid, I can't trust my feelings anyway.
But then some of us we fight it. We strive for emotion regulation, we strive to change.
I have never, in my treatment, met someone diagnosed with the other three cluster b personality disorders facing it and trying.
We can ALL break the pattern if we face it and want to.
This doesn't mean all, or even most individuals with BPD are like this.
But darn it, we were wired to doubt our reality, expect abandonment, punish ourselves for having feelings....
BPD doesn't present in anyone who had a minimally traumatic childhood with solid loving adults to attach with.
My goodness , this is the truth! I can’t stand when a GF or normal person says, it’s all in your head!! No kidding
I think people with bpd should just be upfront about that so people have fair warning and can then choose whether to engage or pass. The bait and switch thing is not gonna work because everybody doesn't have the desire AND skillset to deal with it because everybody has their stuff. Everybody is going through things. "Normal" doesn't mean that the crazy things people do don't affect us.
I have BPD and I have been in a relationship for 14 years, companion love with moments of passion. However we met and married 26 days later. We are still together.
That’s amazing. I’ve been married to my wife for nearly two years and can’t imagine spending one more day with her much less 12 more. BPD exposure is real.
@@Evan_C. when you get into a relationship with a mentally ill person you have to make a decision. You have to create boundaries and she has to be an advocate for her own mental health as well. I was completely upfront about my mental illness. I made sure he was perfectly aware of the good, the bad and the ugly. Despite the fact that the thought of being abandoned terrifies me, I will not keep him trapped. He is welcome to leave at any point and what I do after that is solely my responsibility. I am very self aware of both myself and my actions-even when they are irrational. If you feel this way, it would be best for the both of you to end the relationship now. Best of luck for you both! I promise you he isn't a cakewalk either, he has bipolar disorder. We are partners.
@@LadyGaia1985 Are you self aware because of treatment you are receiving for borderline?
I cried at the final answer. It broke me.
Thank you, I eventually made my first counselling appointment with a real provider.
Here’s one I’m honestly nervous to hear.
It doesn’t feel real, is a very true statement. I feel that way about too many things and it’s ..not pleasant. What’s going to happen down the road is very important but that fear that it’s manipulation, mainly that my partner is with me out of a simple choice between having a partner or not having one, keeps me on edge with uncertainty. However, my desire for commitment does also help me stay in a relationship with the hope that it can be real. But my blabbing aside, these insights hit me pretty hard. It was so surreal listening along, but I knew I was in for it on this topic :) a big Thank You! to Dr. Grande. This was scarily accurate to how I feel and perceive relationships.
@@LaceyAnn 💗 I agree, and felt quite the same. My self-esteem is so low that I fear my partner is with me only because it's convenient or quite a random, temporary choice. It was hard to listen this video because it pointed out accurate facts, yet knowledge and insight are the key. I wish you good luck, girl!
@@LaceyAnn Bless you sweetie. xx How brave and honest.
@@LaGrossePaulik I was exactly like this with a BPD woman, and they choose people like these. As BPD will not let you love them, they choose people who do not love them. As they cant handle emotions, and will get triggered by them.
I just thought she was pretty enough, nothing else. And every time i have actually been interested on a woman who has BPD, they reject me simply as they cant handle emotions. All the "successful" relationships i have had with BPD have been with women i did not really care for.. thats then only way it can work. So i think you know this unconsciously, that your partner really does not love you. As you only choose partners like these, to avoid emotions. And primarily just to repeat the trauma cycle, meaning to be abandoned. Just like your mother did to you.
@N L Well, that's your opinion. I ignored I was a grandiose actress! Ahh, now i understand that was just pretending... of course, how could I miss that? I suppose you're a grand expert on BPD.
When I meet someone I find attractive and they feel the same way about me I become totally infatuated and obsession begins I think about them continuously. I find it hard to eat, the obsession takes over my life, I think about what they’ve said to me analyse it try to understand the true meaning. Do they love me don’t they. I feel like I love them but I don’t I am crazily obsessed with them. I am incapable of controlling it, if they don’t text me all the time I think they don’t like me anymore, I’m broken crying and in pieces then when they message me I am ecstatic laughing music on loud full of energy heart racing this cycles continuously every day while I’m awake, then I can’t sleep properly because I can’t get them out my mind. It’s exhausting, every time I see them I have to have new clothes new underwear eyelashes done, makeup perfect, acrylic nails hair extensions in, if something isn’t quite right I feel sick like they won’t like me anymore, I have to seem like the most amazing girl in the world the perfect woman a porn star in the bedroom then the crazy shit starts I either suffocate them or start to destroy it in other ways being unfaithful drinking disappearing for days as I’m on a binge and my phone is lost then I’m dumped and inconsolable for weeks. If he for whatever reason puts up with it and tries to support me I become mean don’t message him back then one day wake up and don’t want him anymore and block him on everything and disappear saying nothing. I’m 55 and this has gone on for 40 years I haven’t had a proper relationship in 11 years and I think I’m better off alone now. I can’t inflict this pain on myself or anyone else anymore. Plus I will end up dead one day because when I’m dumped I take shitloads of Xanax and diazepam to numb myself. Is it like this for others?
it has been like that at times throughout my life...but slowly I have gotten over the failed relationships. I don't beat myself up anymore. I just say I'm a complex individual. I've had alot of great therapy over the years that has helped me in all areas of life. My dependence on God has helped me tremendously. He never leaves us. Anyway, I am getting older now and frankly having a relationship is like trying to establish something that I know is not going to work. So I just don't.
Wow , is exactly how I am 😭 I will never be able to love ?
@@weedlady9851 I’m in therapy atm or have been for 5 years but after my last crazy ‘love affair/obsession’ a couple of years ago I can’t allow it to happen again. I just can’t live through it again 😰 It’s so difficult. Maybe if you have therapy over a period of time it’ll work I’ve just changed my life to try and keep myself safe and calm 😁
@@sunshinedays893 i have a boyfriend right now , he has a fearful attachment style , but watching videos of self love helped me a lot to love myself ir rally recommend that for you too . My problem is I just like guys who are hot and cold and my boyfriend know it and he are trying to be like this with me to keep me interested, I don’t wanna hurt him even if he said he never suffer I feel his pain . I’m impulsive I wanna breakup with him everyday . Self love helped me so much , now I’m the love of my life and every romantic song I think about myself not about other guy . Monday I will go to therapy my first time even if I don’t have money I will do the best for myself . Love yourself that’s the key 🥰
i am a 19 year old male but i can relate to this
I muted the ads but sat through them so you could get the Adsense. Your channel is worth the ads because of the invaluable information!
It's better to donate. You would have to watch hours of ads to give him 5$
Comment 1000 times if you want to waste your time and help :)
I had severe (all 9 symptom criteria) BPD when I was younger (residential treatment, multiple inpatient stays, outpatient treatment), but I am now 24 and free of all external/impulsive behavior symptoms, although the symptoms of affect dysregulation have persisted. I have been in a long-term relationship that is fairly stable. However, this relationship most closely mimics the one you mentioned as "companionate" love, as both commitment and intimacy are present, while passion has always been lacking, even from the beginning. I realize this may be an issue, but as somebody with BPD, I actually prefer the lack of passion, as such intensity can often lead to my symptoms worsening (splitting, irrational anger, paranoia, impulsivity etc). I feel that having the components of intimacy and commitment, but not passion, are the biggest key to maintaining a stable romantic partnership that is healthy for me, personally. I just thought I would mention this, as you stated in your video that this type of love is observed uncommonly with BPD.
Very interesting.
Yes!
I'm considering myself in a healthy way for living with BPD, and I can totally see what you're saying. It has first begun with gardening and caring for plants, than with myself, and then with others. Passion for me is just 10,000v over an 240v infrastructure. It overwhelms me in a second. I do find my way to spice things with just the right amount of passion, and I think this is actually the key.
I am just like you. 23, I have all the love minus the passion. Formally diagnosed with BPD. This is the most stable and loving relationship I’ve had. 7 years. Passion is difficult because often your partner desires it more than you do but I rather compromise and be happy 92% of the time rather than be in a relationship that has passion and commitment and be happy 20% of the time
Wow. This is interesting to read. Not sure how it's going to work our for you, but I definitely see the reasoning behind it. I’d love to read any update if possible. Good luck! @anja wutz
It sounds like your situation is not be what comes naturally to someone with BPD but is born from experience. Your need to avoid triggering the difficult experiences of your past has changed your trajectory. Thank you for your insight
Having a relationship with someone with BPD...without even knowing this disorder existed, was one of the most traumatic experiences ever...on top of this, she was a single mother which made it so much worse.. the strength needed to break off this cycle is out of anyone's league, some ex BPD's partners never recover..
i have bpd and i still talk to my ex. I love him more than anything hes my FP. so i guess it is hard to break it off because he doesnt reply often, he says he wants to make it work but cant trust me behavior and cant tell when im attention seeking or actually need him so he doesnt take it seriously when i do need him. its definitely hard on people who dont have it. but i also love with everything i have for him and need him and would do ANYTHING for him. he lives 12 hrs away and if he asked id drive there and be there tomorrow. so we do love with everything we have and we arent bad people
People with BPD/NPD are just predators.
@@j01237 that is not true. i have bpd and i am not a predator. also i have a lot of affection. you should educate yourself
@@j01237 i love with everything i have if i care about someone. i would bend over backwards for people i care about. and never ever hurt someone on purpose. i just need more attention than normal people in order to feel loved and not be lonely and depressed.
also bpd has the highest recovery rate out of all PDs. and gets better with age for most
Sorry you went through that. Not everyone with BPD is like that. Please stop putting people with BPD in a bad light. You made of had a bad experience but it doesn’t apply to all with BPD.
Thank you for your video.
I have BPD and I have experienced happy and rich romantic relationships, however yeah, self-love is THE problem, at least in my case, I constantly feel like I'm not good enough so I end up spending a lot of time on my image, pleasing others and seeking for excellence in everything I do (this one is a "good" thing but I get frustrated if I fail at something and I end up feelins useless and empty if the results aren't good enough).
I hadn't heard of the triangular theory of love before. It may help to untangle some of the complexity we feel in love because components can be named and conceptualized. Very interesting paradigm.
I have never loved myself, I always felt when I told someone I loved them I was lying to myself. I wanted to love them but I don't know what real love is. I had desires and hoped that those people would fill that desire but it's just an endless void, nothing can fill it (without treatment). There is no love without trust, trust Is hard for me. I see now that I get stuck in infatuated love.
Same here.
Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case
This is exactly how I feel!! My GF tells me that I have to Love myself first!! I try , but I don’t feel it? I give her all of my love
Thank you for sharing. As partners of BPD sufferers we see that. Once we get to a certain point in the relationship we realize the growth has stopped. The walls are up and the love is nothing more than an urge or impulse of the BPD. The things said in the infatuation stage are forgotten and then come the negative things they say. You're left questioning reality. I am very sad because I know I was nothing more than a character in love for her. I was playing a part that can literally be played by anyone. She'll always idealize someone else and repeat the cycle over and over
The relationship with him was a love bomb from the start. Then came devalue and discard with ghosting even though he was 50 years old at the time. It felt like I was with someone with the emotional health of a 5 year old.
My ex gf did this too. Her love bombing and suddenly went off. I didn't know what to do
So grateful for these breakdowns. Your delivery is so matter of fact and information-focused, it’s actually comforting to just listen and ascertain the message/takeaway. Thank you for providing these much-needed resources.
Your videos are extremely helpful. Especially to us studying psychology in graduate school. I appreciate what you’re doing on this platform sharing knowledge. Keep the videos coming.
I have BPD and this video helped clarify my past relationships and how they failed in a way no other person, book, or channel has. Thank you for taking the time to explain this topic in detail.
Thank you for talking about issues like this with such respect. When I saw the title, I immediately felt my guard rising "Ok, here we go again", but no. Thanks!
This was such an insightful video and one that I can totally relate to. Thank you so much for your easily comprehensible videos.
Truly one of the most helpful videos I've watched from you Dr. Grande. Thank you so much for your generosity to share the wealth of knowledge you've attained. I learn a lot from you and I want you to know, as an individual being diagnosed with many different things in my life leading up to one with Cluster B traits & adjustment disorder, that I feel so much more understood & less alone because of your loving videos. I respect you and admire your willing Spirit to help. Thanks!
after watching this, while difficult, i am realizing how messed up i am. however, on a positive note, i'm going to radically accept that i'm distracting, i love your delivery and i thank you for dropping your knowledge and experience to us. i'm BPD and just understanding what that means. your humor is intelligently delivered and great to hear. knowing that others have this fear of abandonment at the very core is such a relief. i thought i was alone in this, truly. that no one else could understand the depth of this feeling. well, i see this now and it helps a LOT. i find vulnerability to be a trigger and a stressor.
I hope this video goes viral! This should be watched again and again.
As a Borderline I feel intimacy, passion and commitment. I am willing in all relationships to compromise and work on it. If all Borderlines are so awful then just put us all on an island
and leave us there.
If only it were that easy
I don't think that's practical but I do think that diagnosis should be disclosed up front.
@@douglisquade5448 why’d you comment this ?
My long distance partner discarded me for issues of controlling her sexual impulses but refusing to talk about it. She cut me off and gave me short, hurtful messages amidst weeks of silent treatment but told me how much I deserved better. Within six weeks she publicly posted about how much she loved someone she was growing ever closer to online throughout this year, something I was afraid of happening. Videos like this bring back pain but help me understand their attachment style - thanks for this.
Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case
Jesus I’m sorry you went through this. Being devalued and discarded via triangulation and silent treatment is one of the most cruel ways for it to go down. I experienced the same and it breaks you.
@@hmanfilms Thanks. I'm sorry to hear the same; stay strong.
Thank you for this excellent video, Dr Grande. The ability to love oneself really seems to get to the heart of the matter.
Thank you for another interesting and informative video, Dr. Grande. Your explanation of this complicated disorder helped me feel like I truly understand BPD, and how it affects relationships.
I am your patroness! Please discuss more the topic you touched on at the end of this post, i.e., love of self, feelings of worthiness, etc.
As your patroness, I demand this!!
Amazing work doc. You always manage to pack so much intricate detail into such a short time frame.
Dr. Grande, you are highly intelligent & educated. I am extremely impressed with your knowledge & wisdom of the many disorders & psychological topics which you explain very aptly, succinctly & articulately. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with those of us eager to learn about ourselves & others. God bless you for caring about us. 🕊
bpd...story of my life... forever on the outside looking in, hoping for more yet never feeling satisfied.. losing everyone i love. constantly in and out of different subcultures scenes, trying to find peace inside for something that makes sense.. if i love you you're guaranteed to hate me eventually.
@@faisalzia2205 i think you missed the point g
@@snesable sorry just felt like being a dick .... But on a serious note if you cant love yourself you cant love anybody else ....so next time you're looking for love start by looking in the mirror
@@faisalzia2205 your reply sounds more manipulative then anything. "felt like being a dick" to then trying to give me advice... thats rich g. alot has changed in 8 months which needs no explaining. Praise God. get away from that mirror
@@snesable Interesting that you mention God. He's likely the only source for the infinite amount of love that you need - IF you believe it, of course. That did work for one person I know with BPD, who when about 40y.o. got religion and improved significantly in a few years. One other BPD I know was too inconsistent in her beliefs and also quite manipulative, even with God. Who, apparently, doesn't like to be blackmailed. So she never improved, religion was just a sanctimouious facade.
@@rogerbritus9378 yes my faith in Jesus has set me free and broken the chains. yes i suffer as we all will suffer in this broken world but Jesus said to take heart for He has overcome the world! -john 16:33 also, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why for christs sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak then i am strong. -2 corinthians 12 : 9-10
Thank you so much for the BPD videos (as well as all the others)!
Only Dr. Grande is so gentle about it all. Thank you.
This has been a big help to understand and also to validate experience. But for every thought of validation, a thought of self evaluation to realize why you arrived in a place at a point in time. That's the only thing that ultimately matters. Thanks.
As a person with BPD for as long as my memory allows me to look back, 40 yesrs+/-, you nailed it here.
I listened a second time, taking notes. In my small notebook I carry, I have 7 pages of notes! (8.5×5.5).
Thank you, thank you. I am not at all able to explain this to my friends/family. I certainly LIVE it, FEEL it. Now, I simply can share my notes. Hopefully this may lesson my current rate of relationship exodus currently experiencing. Please, do not ever leave us.
After coming to this age , do you regret about your past relationship what you destroyed not understanding that you had BPD ? i heard people with bpd can understand only they cross 40 !
Building up self love/esteem is so challenging as a Borderline. I find that I can be needy in intimate relationships because the other person's love for me seems more stable than my own. It really sucks 😒.
The simple, straightforward way in which you describe this really resonated with me. I know the feeling all too well, but I'd have been hard pressed to put it into words. Thank you. 💚
I know the feeling !!!
don't enter interpersonal relationships and make others suffer. it's not their burden.
In one word FASCINATING!
Thank you so much Dr. Grande 😃🇳🇱
Thank you for posting this! Your calming factual voice is music to my chaotic BPD soul❤️
I like to see your channel growing Dr.Grande. It shows the effort and quality of the content .
As always, great video! 😆🖒
Thank you so much for this video.
I was diagnosed with BPD and ptsd last year. Having a name put to what I had been noticing about myself for years was like a breath of fresh air. It explained so much. Your descriptions are right on the nose for me, unfortunately.
That said, I have this huge worry that, although I love being alone, I'll end up alone for the rest of my life because I can never seem to keep the passion of a relationship going. And that's 100% what I need for it to feel real to me. All it takes for me to jump ship is one little thing (real or imagined... could be either) that triggers my fear or just turns me off of the person, and then it's like I never liked them at all. I can forget about them for years.
Also, my very first relationship was 17 years of abusive hell. I found myself trapped from the age of 18 through until i was 35, and I feel it further damaged my ability to have a chill and comfortable kind of love with anyone. My ex took advantage of my insecurities early on and used them all against me for years. I think he kind of twisted my perception of how love should feel. I finally left 7 years ago, but I still can't seem to get my head right... it's hard to trust myself, let alone love myself.
So besides having my BPD problem, I'm afraid that everyone I get involved with is a covert narcissist that will end up trying to destroy me like my ex did. This fear keeps me from trying to meet new people, it keeps me from wanting to forge new friendships, it distances me from current relationships. I don't know if I could handle the emotional and mental abuse again, and I can't trust that I'll notice it before I'm totally invested in it. I'm a work in progress... but the progress is at a plateau I think. I'm also afraid of people expecting anything from me emotionally. I feel like I'm not capable of giving someone the kind of love they deserve. Like it isn't real when I do feel it (even though it feels really real to me at the time) so how would it be fair to give someone an empty shell of love.
Also,
I'm concerned lately with people demonizing BPD. Since the jd and ah trial, I see many people talking about how horrible people with BPD are... like this diagnosis makes us all heartless and unfeeling monsters. Which isn't the case at all for me. (If anything, i feel everything too strongly. My ability to empathize and sympathize are all too real). I feel these people are also combining the traits of HPD and BPD and assuming that we all act out in exaggerated ways (which couldn't be further from the truth...i avoid all conflicts at all costs). It's got me afraid to be honest about my diagnosis out of fear that any new people I meet will assume that I'll get into some extreme behaviors or try to fight with them. It doesn't help that I fall hard and fast, which is off-putting for people, but that in combination with preconceptions about BPD makes me feel like there's no hope for me to find a healthy relationship in the future.
I don't know how common this is, but I don't outwardly show my fear of abandonment. I just try not to do anything that will lead to someone wanting to leave me. I keep all of my thoughts to myself, even when my thoughts are wrought with fear that I'm not important to the person and that they're thinking bad things of me. And if they do want to leave, I don't say a word. I just let them go, though it kills me. It's a constant internal struggle. I need to be constantly verbally reminded that I'm loved and important to the person. Otherwise I quickly start thinking the worst and start feeling the rejection... and this is for no real reason. Just my head and the constant worry that it's inevitably coming.
I feel like I just wrote a TMI letter here, which is pretty typical of me haha
But,
I've said all of this because I truly hope that my comment can be informative or maybe helpful to anyone that is perhaps here looking for information about someone in their life, and what that person may be experiencing with their own BPD diagnosis
Just know that we're not all bad people... it's the same as with any human. Some are bad. Some are good.
Seek treatment stop blaming other people for it you have a disease you are sick get help
I was watching a video about scorpion vs a mouse that was immune to its sting. But this info is more fascinating.
did the mouse roar like a little lion? Seriously Im not trolling
The scorpion has BPD?
In my neck of the wood, this video here has a lot more practical utility.
Thank you for your sympathetic approach 🙏🏻 as a spouse of someone with these traits your videoes really help me clear things up 🙏🏻
Damn, this was extremely well-done and I can see these precisely in myself. Thanks for producing this.
Ty for this great look at bpd, rlly hit home. Feels good to get more closure! Thx :)
I’m just ever so glad to be free of her. The relief is so palpable it has substance. Peace return to my life now that I have exited the roller coaster. I hope my next girl is nice and boring.
You had me a couple of seconds in Dr Grande when you said “yes” 😍 thank you. As someone with BPD I can say without a shadow of a doubt, I can love, the purest truest love for my niece and sister, for my mother, for my partner, it might not outwardly look that way, it might express differently but I do.
Useful video. I didn't know about the triangulation theory of love, which is a useful framework to analyse relationships.
You have helped me understand so much about myself and so many others, but particularly those closest to me.
Both NPD and BPD People desperately want love but it seems to me that they don’t know how to go about in the right way. NPD seem to be more manipulative about it and BPD seem to cause drama to keep it. However, NPD are in the end only out to serve their own interests and BPD push and pull so much that most can not tolerate that kind of turbulence. I love you, I hate you, I love myself, I hate myself... During my relationship with someone who answered all the BPD screening questions indicting he had BPD; he also had a lot of narcissistic traits and further complicated by alcoholism, I summed up my feelings about what we were going through this way, “You are lost in a forest of uncertainty and I can’t be there with you.”
Polychrohm a good anology👍🏻
"answered all the BPD screening questions indicting he had BPD; he also had a lot of narcissistic traits and further complicated by alcoholism." I'm there right now :(
@@lambyv4867 Ohhhh...
Sorry...
The other side of "love others" is can the accept other love them. This is the most painful part of loving someone with BPD. For all your efforts they are always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"
My BPD wife of 27 years left in July. This is what it was like for me.
Her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of
food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.
Occasionally we came upon an oasis and fora while I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again, we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply is a burden I no longer wish to carry. Somehow I find the strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape. Gripped by a fear of what is over the next, ever shifting,
sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.
We lay down together in the cool grass but I soon realize it's just an illusion. Like a mirage in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.
The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I still feel her pain and hunger,her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did.
At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and know I will
never see her again, but what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.
I stain to listen, hoping to hear her sweet voice on the wind, the words of the promised land, "I now know he truly love me". Instead of the anger and disdain of our last encounter, I
imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we could have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with a now invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago.
"It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, afflicted with a now invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago." Beautifully stated.
Beautifully said, relevant, comprehensive. Thank you for sharing.
So touching)))))))
This made me cry - It is absolutely like that. The beginning is paradise, And then you keep chasing that paradise... I think for me in some ways it was more like drowning, like trying to swim through stormy seas, constantly being swept under. And on occasion there's a patch of land a moment of rest, Peace even, sun shining, warm sand and the cool breeze.. And then another wave just wipes it all away and I'm drowning again. I carry a lot of guilt for leaving, I was the one who left. I couldn't do it anymore. I was too tired. And it felt like I would not be able to swim to the next shore... And he hates me. I'm the person who said I would love him forever and couldn't stay. What he feared most, I did. I abandoned. And I know he loved me, And he made me feel like I could heal all of his wounds - like if I held out a little bit longer things might get better. But the longer we were together the worse they got. The more I tried, the harder I swam, the further away the shore. I will always miss the paradise, the sandy beaches, the joy of those moments of happiness when we found shore. But in the end, I had to save myself. I am sorry for what you have gone through, It is an experience so common to us who have fallen in love with folks who have borderline personality disorder. The intensity of the relationship can be addicting. The moments of joy so brilliant - that you almost forget about the darkness. But they are also so fragile, And so often you don't see The next wave coming. I hope you find healing. I hope she does too.
@@comingupdaysy I wish you well in you journey to find a safe harbour after the storm.
I can appreciate your analogy, the rouge waves that seems to spring out of nowhere. Its been a wonderful day, the two of you have worked in the garden all day, sun is shining, a gently breeze, then a simple sigh, a glance or crossing of arms taken wrong way. With no warning, for days you are just trying to stay afloat.
Absolutely brilliant stuff. Congrats!
What an OG, the way love is defined first in an understandable way, then that answer is used to explain the other complicated question in a simple way.
'Brief moments, i feel alive, but i can say with some confidence that i hate life.'' --- Roy West.
👍
I used to think that I was literally unable to truly love anyone. I often wonder what even truly defines love. Because growing up, people just threw that word around and it meant nothing. And if that’s what ‘love’ was, love was synonymous with pain and sadism. So far, in every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve been *in lust* but not in love with my partner. But I felt like I loved them at the time. I’m not so sure anymore, looking back at it. I know I’m capable of love but I just don’t know how to differentiate it with lust, or a petty crush. Every time I think I love someone, it turns out to just be the love bombing stage. One day I think I’ll find out how love truly feels.
gypsy 1999 me 2
Me 3
The Greeks identified the different types of love.
Agape -- love governed/guided by principle which may include affection but is an unselfish emotion concerned with doing good to others regardless of the merits of the recipient or any benefits accruing to the giver
Storge -- love amongst family members
Philia -- affection between friends (no sexual overtones)
Eros -- Romantic/Sexual love
If two people start out as friends and have the (philia) love that's great. The friends affection may change over time and they become romantically attracted and involved and thus have ( Eros) love between them. They should also cultivate ( agape) love because at the times when they aren't feeling so romantic the ( agape) love will be the glue to hold everything together because it's based on unselfish love for the other person. You'll do what's right by them, not what's in your best interests. And if you get married then you become a family unit and you have the ( storge) love/ tender affection that should be in a family.
Omg. This is so on point. And just like that, I understand my entire adult love life. ❤️❤️
You are expert at explaining. You've helped further my education so much. Thank you for this channel!
I have BPD and PTSD, and have grown out of the identity issues I had when I was younger, so maybe it's different for others with BPD, but after years of therapy, DBT, staying single after an abusive relationship for years and healing...I can say that I love myself and maybe more importantly I accept myself, what has happened and how it changed me permanently. It's not a 💯 percent of the time thing, but probably many people can say that. I respectfully disagree with that we can't find self-love. It's not impossible, just harder.
Really enjoyed the rest of the video though. Glad you popped up in my feed... have watched a few already and I appreciate your insights.
"I have BPD and PTSD" I will guarantee that you were the abusive one. Nice try playing the victim. GTFOH
@@ThunderDomeBoxingTalk you’re disgusting and continuing the stigma.
I know 2 people with BPD who had abused their partners, all of them as far as I know. Ofcourse they were abused aswell in their toxic relationships. What I find interesting is that not even once I heard them say they were also the abusers, toxic or anything like that. They could also be very nice, sweet, emotional, over-empathic etc. Just some thoughts here...
I'm glad that you're doing better. Do you feel safe in serious, lovong relationship? Do you still have the feeling of emptiness?
@@ThunderDomeBoxingTalkmy sister has bpd and cptsd. Yes, she's abusive now.. but once she was a victim. My sister will not help herself. She can't be helped.
She is violent.. but not everyone with bpd is like that
yes they genuinely can but their fear of abandonment and low self image are an obstacle.
Again ; as a therapist with a passion to help others , watching your channel feels having mentor at the touch of a button, I have became a better therpsist since I started watching
This video is profound and hits deeper than probably any other video I've watched about BPD.
WOW I love how you verbalize this...
Another excellent one, Dr. Grande!
I’d say this reflects me pretty well and adds some much needed understanding of BPD. Very profound. Thank you.
Incredibly illuminating. Thank you so much.
Do they love others? Yes. Sometimes greatly so. But ultimately they focus so much on themselves that you are regarded more like a painting. Most people cannot fathom how self-absorbed a person who seemed so enthralled can become. You are loved like a different person loves a new car. Fascination and love are different by far. Depends on your definition of love. Also, know that your partner can and will be easily manipulated by others. BPD people are like a tornado. no reason to hate them. Just stay away. I cannot express the pain that can come for caring for someone with this pathology. It is similar to watching an addict in their throes as they ultimately die and you blame yourself.
You hit the nail on the head..."But ultimately they focus so much on themselves that you are regarded more like a painting. Most people cannot fathom how self-absorbed a person who seemed so enthralled can become." Their self-obsession is like a bottomless pit, you give and give but can never fill them up, especially once the idealization phase is over.
thanks for your reply .. I learn a lot from you. in my case my wife told me she doesn't know me well after 6 years of marriage! when she decided to leave me, she said she is not sexually attracted to me anymore! when she goes out she looks for another man! I am so heartbroken, we had an argument like all other couples yes sometimes I was a bit nasty but the next day all was ok.. before leaving me she was always using this on me saying as I am nasty thats why she is leaving me also saying when she sees me she remembers only argument! I cried I begged, I showed all the other good things I have done for her but she just stick to one point that she doesn't love me anymore ! she also said she always care about me like a husband but never loved me like a man! My heart broke so badly after listening to this what have I done with this girl all these 6 years ! like you , we fall in love very quickly & get married! when she left me she get married within 20 days so I assume she was looking for another man while she was thinking to divorce me! On the last day when she was leaving me, she said she never met the nicest person like me in her entire life but she doesn't love me so she needs to leave! I am so much in pain as I loved her so much also feel guilty that I cause this but now coming here & watching this discussion my thinking is changing. but I feel guilty why I arguing with her maybe she could have stayed but at the same time, she said stop loving me before even argue started! I am so depressed & sad I have never faced this in my life never , she is my first love. need help
@@realman3841 Words are words. Women use words. And those that trust them. Im sorry you are hurting. Your principles prick you. Either the world is wrong, your surroundings or your perspective. I (being a romantic) hopes it is mysterious! But this woman is probably not the one you can call partner. However, I only know 1/2 of the story.
@@realman3841 Man,you are not the problem,She will come out with the same problem over and over again,,its her,if she got a new partner or whatever,the life of him will become a Nightmare, full of discussions ,etc,etc,he doesn't know who is involved with,,,they absorb a lot of time and energy that you can not fight anymore or deal with a lot of stress ,they just bring you slowly down and and that is very harmful to your mental health,here in Germany i had a BPD girfriend, during 2 years, she left me and now she hate me, i became invisible to her, when each time we see each other she ignore me, she live right up stair of my Apartment,we were very in love, but that is the way how it end up, its a Mental illness,since 9 month we are no together anymore, i have not a prove if she is dating with someone. she does not bring someone to her apartment, except some famale friends and her mother,even when we started our relation she was very shy but very romantic and passional then she become sexualy very compulsive but its was cause she was loving me too much and after 6 moths she confessed me that she was virgin and that i was her first man,back them she was already 30 years old, i like her still very much she is a very attractive and beautiful german girl.have you heard about your ex lately?
Great topic. Thanks Dr. G.
Some really take advantage and destroy people with this, preying on them. Stringing them along for years. Terrible💔 Fascinating video, Doc!
Extremely helpful. Thank you very much! This will probably help save my relationship. It helps me realise where I’ve made mistakes.
It's a nightmare dating someone who has this affliction. It's a day-to-day struggle that often leaves you exhausted and dumbfounded. Anyting can set the person with BPD off on a tangent. Whether it be a miscellaneous phone call or something out of place. They're constantly dialed to 11 looking for that phantom, smoking gun . It's non-stop. But I do love her, and know it's not really her fault for the outrageous behavior and the constant, unwarranted, accusations.
You'll never be done with it til you get out. Run! And don't come back. Take my advice
It's overwhelming learning more about oneself from UA-cam videos. Btw, I like the poker face. At least one of us is stable. :)
Both me and my favorite person have got BPD with NPD traits, we are in an almost three year push-pull relationship. I found this video to be very very helpful on distinguishing what love truly is. Besides what some people on the comment section are saying I do perceive that our relationship has got all of the three aspects but as you mentioned they are hardly ever >constantly< happening at the same time. The hole fear of abandonment issue usually becomes a huge monster before we can realize or stop it and so we fall again onto the cycle of self sabotage or devaluation towards the other. This video brought me so much clarity, I just wanted to thank you Dr. Grande.
Dr. Grande, thanks so much for your knowledge and for sharing it with us!!!🤗👍👏👏👏👏
Knowing I'll never be able to love myself hurts, but was expected
In my experience they'll love the heck out of you for a few months, then look out! But they are loving an idealized version of you, not the real you.
Exactly, they cant separate you. They need you for your internal ego structures.
"They do, however, form special types of
transferences, which include idealizing transferences, in which the therapist
is perceived in terms of the idealized parent imago, and mirror transferences,
in which the therapist is experienced in terms of the grandiose self. "
Mirroring & idealizing. The hallmarks of borderline relationships. And this explains quite well what they are about, its about having a parent that provides them with a grandiose self that they were never able to develop.
True, they can't love the "real you".
Absolutely true!
Ouch. While that may be true in your experience you’ll find that the truth is we’re very capable of feeling love. Often more intensely than neurotypical people. I’ve been in love with the same person for 7 years, and I’m only 19. She didn’t like me back at first, but I’ve stuck with her because the thought of not being able to be with her even as a friend is so painful I’d rather die. My life is absolutely meaningless without her. I love her so much. I recognize she has flaws, but often I can’t bring myself to care. Yes, sometimes I get upset with her to an extreme, but luckily I’m a quiet borderline, so I internalize everything and that makes it easy to not hurt her, and address issues after I’ve calmed down. Please don’t stereotype us. It’s very disheartening and upsetting.
It's actually easy to love someone for who they are especially if your partner also has BPD. I have been in relationships with neurotypical people and those relationships ended with both of my previous partners cheating on me and this isn't me being paranoid, this I know for a fact. My current partner, I have been with for a while. I know who is and at first, I did idolise him and I know that but after a while, I showed my true self and he showed his true self and now we're in a long term relationship. We had to set out so many boundaries so that he could leave if he needed to. This video is correct, I don't ever feel safe in a relationship. I fear he will leave me and I don't feel like I deserve his love. I worry this relationship will end like my previous two. Will it end with me getting hurt or me hurting him (not that I'd do it deliberately) but he is the most patient person on the planet and we have got past the stage of that and it is my insecurities that are left but we're working on that
Your work has not only been entertaining, but so very helpful. 🎱🎯😍👍🙏
Thank you for your work! So helpful!
I tend to like (in the sense you use) quite a few people, some of who have been friends for years. But I do have to remind myself consciously to keep in touch with them, as my automatic emotional memory only works for people i love in all three aspects
I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but by these criteria, I certainly fit the bill. I finally decided that I'm no good in relationships because I can't slow down, and then feel trapped by the very same commitment I had just demanded. Then I punish the other person with, and because of, my disappointment. Plus, I get wishy-washy and become "unable" (actually unwilling) to stand on my own. So, I am now voluntarily celibate. I can now answer the question easily, "If not me, then who?" with "me." I do better if I put some space between others and me. People who get too close to me, I start devaluing them. I hate being the type of person who wouldn't join any club that would have me. So, I am alone and concentrating on myself for the first time in my life. And, it's surprisingly okay. Surprisingly, it's okay.
Right after I wrote this I tried online dating. I was better at it, but the outcome was still the same. I am alone once again. I got it out of my system and am done again, but reserve the right to try again. Not any time soon, mind.
@@girlwheels Your BD is the worst version. Best, you don’t destroy some poor unassuming soul with your bpd. Hire people for your needs. The damage you’re causing by simply being social is catastrophic. Seriously.
You are not worth the pain you cause.
@@teralecole316 that was pretty rude. We are all works in progress. Whoever hurt you the way I am bound and determined not to hurt anyone again did you a major disservice. I hope that whatever you needed to say to that person, you just said to me.
I will say, however, that I am not just blips on a screen. I am an actual human being. And I will thank you not to use me as a punching bag. I don't see how it's any better than what you faulted me for doing.
Thank you for making this. I’m borderline and then some. I figured out that romantic relationships weren’t for me early on. I thought sisterhood could be enough for me and I wouldn’t need anyone. I grew very attached to my aunt and my life improved in ways I never imagined. Then she died and now I’m just empty. Having someone explain why helps a little.
Thank you so much for making this
This is me in my relationsship. Your videos are so helpfull! Thank you so much.
You explained it perfectly.. Would love for you to add tools needed for both bpd and bpd partners to help get over hurdles. Symptoms do diminish and become more managagable with therapy. Thank you!
Most of my partners have had BPD.. so this information is gold. Thank you!
Thankyou for this succinct presentation of exactly what I needed to hear.
Can people with a personality disorder love themselves? As person who feels empty, broken and clingy YES!! but it will be VERY CONDITIONAL. Think about a person who can hardly take some "me time" for themselves, someone who is driven to achieve and be independent because their life truly depends on it. Think about a person telling themselves yes I will love you but only if you can make me very proud.....if not...well ..we don't ever want to tread there. It's like the song "Samurai" by "Enigma" and there is no cure.
This is really true. My bpd gf was so busy she did not have time for me. At all. Outside of idealisation phase I was a fixture. When I asked for any acknowledgement it was a slight to her and I was devalued. She said at the end I was saying she was a bad partner. I'm like, how on earth could you have thought you'd been good. In the final argument before discard I was smiling because I was looking at the situation for how ridiculous it had become and she seemingly did not care and did not see it as it was. I bent over backwards for her. Truly. I have so many scars to mend. Thank you for your comment. It makes total sense to what I witnessed
I have been diagnosed with BPD and I think what's missing here is AN EMOTIONAL COMPONENT that I find is extremely important for me
Your videos are so helpful, thank you.
AWSOME simple, highly Logical, professional, practical, Thank you, very much!!!!