Why don't people know when they have a Personality Disorder? | Egosyntonic vs Egodystonic
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- Опубліковано 27 кві 2024
- This video attempts to answer the question: Why does somebody with a personality disorder not seem to be aware they have a personality disorder? To get started with this question, it’s first important understand that some people who have personality disorders understand that they have a disorder. Others don't seem to have much awareness. Most people who have personality disorders have some awareness, but some areas with reduced awareness.
I'm going to start with a couple terms that I've used before other videos: ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic, and these terms come from the psychoanalytic school of thought. Ego-syntonic really means that somebody's emotions, behavior, cognitions are consistent with their values, beliefs, and their ideal self-image. Ego-dystonic means that their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are inconsistent or unacceptable as compared to their values and beliefs.
Miller, J. D., Sleep, C. E., Lamkin, J., Vize, C., Campbell, W. K., & Lynam, D. R. (2018). Personality disorder traits: Perceptions of likability, impairment, and ability to change as correlates and moderators of desired level. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 9(5), 478-483.
Miller JD, Jones SE, & Lynam DR. (2011). Psychopathic traits from the perspective of self and informant reports: Is there evidence for a lack of insight? Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 120(3), 758-764
Don't forget the ever delightful, Psychology Student Disorder. The one you get when you read too much about personality disorders and worry you have them.
That's what i am experiencing, it made me question everything about myself. I'm extremely self aware now, which is not always benefiting me
@@WhateverNullPointer If self awareness always benefitted you, it would be called narcissism.
I’ve been having this, heh.
Siegfried Hiryu 😂😂😂 I totally needed to read this. Thank you!
That's me! And I'm not even a psychology student 😅
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― _Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning_
Wow! That is very powerful. I have that book but must've forgotten that qoute.
@@zendavis3501 I just checked his book, which I have yet to read, 😁 but I remember him saying something like that in an interview, too.
The first quote is on page 32.
The second is on page 117: "When we are no longer able to change asituation - just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer - we are challenged to change ourselves."
I really like the first quote though, you can find many examples for people adapting to something dysfunctional in society. Unfortunately.
@@StingerByte I really want to thank you for reminding me of that qoute. It's so profound and resonated with my soul because iam in the midst of inexplicable suffering. So thanks my freind. The author is a holocaust survivor. The book is a must have. It helps when times get tough.
@@zendavis3501 No problem, sounds like I have to read it soon, then. :-)
I'm reading "Factfulness" atm, also a very good and hopeful book; about the misperception that the world is mostly getting worse.
The letters you chose for their shapes lend no meaning to the title...moyaieth keitool.
The Greek and Russian letters have distinct sounds that do not mirror English.
But the Quote is stunning.
The story about 10 "normal" people in a room having to potentially change in order to fit in with the rest of sociopathic humanity was very helpful. It just "feels wrong".
One of the worst things you can do is to make someone feel as if their personality is "sick" or that they have a disorder before you fully understand them
@@IvnValmont I know. I've recently been doing some research on Autism Spectrum Disorder, and my husband seems to have those traits. More than OCPD, frankly. But I have not said anything to him about it. I'm thinking of telling him that I have learned about something which might help him and his feelings of alienation, but I'll only proceed if he asks. What do you think?
Also thought was very helpful to see it from another perspective, and how we would feel in a group with people that have PD, that would be hard to understand. My own personal experience was very negative and toxic, but this example into their mindset was very helpful and insightful. Thank you Dr. Grande.
This is exactly how I felt coming from a strict religious background into the bar scene at 36 years of age. Many lessons learned.
I was oblivious to my narcissism for 40 years.
I finally sought help, counseling, medication. I’m 46 now. It’s like I’ve been reborn. Unfortunately, I have 40 years of regret.
Thank you for taking the steps to improve your behavior. ☀️
You’re lucky you had a good therapist.
@@periwillow4859 luckily I didn’t physically harm anyone, but I was a selfish jerk. I’m not “fixed” but I’m self aware of potential problems. So, I don’t socialize too much.
@@sirvilhelmofyanderland1902 Well, it's still really impressive that you've been able to even realize your own faults. Not everyone can, even with therapy. And some therapists use medications which exacerbate impulsive and violent behavior. I think you must have a pretty good therapist. And I'm also impressed that you are responsible and you have taken steps to be a better person.
You do know you will burn in Hell for what you have done, Have a nice day.....
"If in fact a normal person is nice"
well said Dr Grande
very profound in my eyes to be fair
Normal people aren't better. To quote Morrissey, "most people are drab." for instance, a normal person does not understand suffering. Or won't pick up an injured animal or even a person because that will cause a lot of mess at home. But I have seen borderline and narcissistic people doing just that and it was not because of some hidden agenda of theirs. They really wanted to help. Normal people usually talk about football, reality shows, cars and they do tend to gossip a lot, even without a disorder. The conversation is so limited. And limiting. And they are nasty without an excuse.
X,D sometimes I wonder if I have avoidant or anti-social pd, or if other people are just sometimes naturally unbearable
No they aren’t, nobody is "nice"
I had a little fright there lol
"What if people with personalities are just people" - Dr. Grande, 2020 :-D
Ella Nola sounds like a ‘you’ problem
@@erdelegy I think you may be my soul mate. Everything you said here mirrored my own thoughts. I'm 51 😁
@@erdelegy I'm a hot 51 year old still, not sure how that happened cuz I eat junk but it did. Maybe my sparkling personality disorder helped me out 😛
Is this like, a meek attempt at introducing neurodiversity to the nt world ? 🙂
Idiotic statement. If someone consistently interferes with the wa of others, they don't get a hall pass from their psych professional.
This video was really wonderful. A friend of mine was just diagnosed with a personality disorder and she took it really hard, as if it were a failing of hers. She's brilliant, hilariously funny, thoughtful, insightful, and she has her struggles. Her diagnosis made her feel very broken and hopeless---she had a really rough childhood without love or nurturance topped off with abuse and I think that can be a really stark legacy. Despite all that, she is a fountain of energy and the best of her is her sarcasm which has me in stitches often. I think there is a lot of hope for people who didn't have a chance in childhood to build a healthy personality structure. I will definitely be sending this to her.
does hesheorit hav APD? inquiring mindz wanna kno
Give her a hug , she sounds like a very smart and likeable person
Not to crush your hopes for your friend to turn it around in adulthood, I wouldn’t count on it, it varies depending on her exact disorder and age, but everything I’ve read about personality disorders make a point to say these disorders are very resistant to most techniques used to treat them, and any care is given to just make sure they don’t get too far gone. The overall prognosis is pretty grim though, and why any of these cannot be considered until patient is over 18. Children may have some or all the symptoms, but no doctor wants to attach a label to a kid for his whole life based on traits he may grow out of once an adult. Only thing that seems to help and improve the person a little is CBT, COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, which is fairly recent, aside from that once your brain is fully developed by 18-22 yo, there isn’t a hell of a lot that can be done, and gets even worse the older the person gets. Good luck, I think this videos on the right track, just accept the person, which sounds like you’ve been doing that, so I guess work on the way your friend views themselves. They also need to accept themselves just as they are, and stop looking at it as a flaw or even something that could’ve been helped if caught sooner. Hope it gets better for your friend, continue giving your support and acknowledging their positive traits and accomplishments. You need to love and encourage friends who can’t or won’t accept themselves, until such time when they learn self-love or at least to stop beating themselves up over shit they can’t, won’t, and never could control.
Wow, you've just described one of. My favourite people too. Not sure I have some of these traits too, but I try to improve! I don't take it to too hard as I did also have a slightly dysfunctional childhood, and probable Autism / ADHD (undiagnosed). We can all simply try to improve, our life project. That's everyone, not just those who are given a tag/label. Think enlightment.
❤
Don’t stop being a kind person you can decipher what is right or wrong and if it becomes too difficult you can always leave the situation.
Maybe many of us with personality disorder don’t get why we should be nice. Maybe that isn’t a goal or a necessity for us.
Best comments on personality disorders that I’ve seen. Don’t demonize, try to understand.
P T I agree. If they don’t have insight and a willingness to change, it may be a good time to leave or lower expectations.
Until they hurt you, yes; try to understand...Sheesh
Sometimes understanding some people will demonize them. Some people are just very evil.
No. Some of these folks are very destructive.
And don't fall prey to. You really don't want certain ones in a relationship partner, particularly if they are unreflected and not willing to seek help for it.
As someone studying psychology, I can't express enough how helpful your videos are. Thank you for the consistent videos Dr. Grande.
You're welcome!
ditto here as well thanks for the time you take to have such explanatory methods/applications theories on personality disorders, as well Its something that is for even the best of the best not uinderstood as well as we'd like and identifying traits or tendencies someone may have prior to devoloping a personality disorder we could figure out a way to approach it before it seeds and roots into its own unmoveable state@@DrGrande
Our own personal professor!
With regard to our personality, it is partially shaped by environment and partially shaped by our *moral choices.* To deny this is to deny free-will. When we try to morally correct people they react badly. They do this because they think the other person is saying "I am morally superior to you." Hence, correction needs to be done with great humility. How do you achieve this humility? You achieve it by examining _your own_ character faults. This makes you more sympathetic to the faults in others.
@@abandonthisfate2461 to treat before a disorder takes hold. Sounds great. But in reality this is imo unlikely and naive. What you are essentially talking about is effectively and accurately monitoring childhood development. Being able to intervene and adjust the way the disordered parent/guardian treats the child and or help the child to understand the way it's being treated/neglected/humiliated/abused. How to teach a child to not respond in a dysfunctional / disordered way to abuse from its primary caregiver.
One would assume that the parent/ guardian is already in the immoveable state so they are not likely to change their behaviour or address their poor parenting.
Yes. Yes. Yes. As a person with BPD, I can say, the first reaction to my diagnosis was to reject it. Once I accepted my diagnosis, I was able to find ill thoughts that were leading me to ill behaviors that were hurting my husband.
so proud of you! that is challenging to work on oneself.
I'm aware of it and I fucking love it- i am free-
To each his own. I would look at it as simply changing behaviors and not a personality disorder
@@maggie0285 lol. Why would I change my behavior? There’s nothing wrong with me
@@amandamoon5825 Because it's a disorder. It's a mental illness... It's not 'wrong' but the behaviours make for dysfunctional relationships and can be very abusive (for example narcissistic abuse, splitting, gaslighting, manipulation).
I can attest to that validation and acceptance being so important. I had a best friend who accepted me exactly how i am and it meant the world to me. Having someone accept me like that gave me this feeling of safety and comfort that allowed me space to grow and work on some of my behaviors.
It’s how I’ve leaned to work with my son. I think he has a high level of narcissism. Maybe it’s just the narcissism of youth but I thinks it’s beyond that. The conclusion I came to is I’m not going to easily change him and it’s better to just understand where he is coming from. That why by accepting him and knowing what I’m dealing with I better understand and don’t get as angry with him. It’s helped me in several ways. One way is I don’t get as angry with him. But also I learned some things. I’m so giving I’m almost a martyr which is actually not good for me. I need to learn to love myself and take better care of myself. Its ok to be a little selfish. Realizing it’s not wrong to love myself and look out for my own best interests.
.yes! ..as where shaming someone for their disorder(s) compels one to hybernate more into their disorder(s). Im very grateful you have a true friend. 🤗
Just found out my mom is a narcissist and I might be one too
Most Kids who have narcissistic traces because they have been spoiled by ppl in their small world, these ppl will go through the phrasing as soon as they re more mature and experience more in life. More dangerous could be the group that s not be spoiled growing up and even been abused. They might see the world as cold and cruel and the only way to survive is to become one!! I don’t believe psychology is science let alone 100% accurate, so that I m reluctantly giving them both the psychologists and psychiatrists too much power… I prefer reading philosophy books
Love the compassion in Dr. Grande language. Thank you.
My ex husband thought there was something wrong with him to the extent he didn't want to have children to avoid passing on whatever was wrong with him to another generation. He did however adopt children and passed his narcissism on to his adopted child. I don't know if he knew what was wrong, but he knew he was different.
How amazing lol isnt life funny that way.
@@khbgkh I think it's sarcasm.
@@notanexpert2978 not sarcasm, irony
so it is a learned/developed behavoir interesting.
It's also possible that a disordered person put that baby up for adoption. Don't overlook that genetic component. I'm looking at a 3rd generation disorder. Bing, bang & boom!
Firstly I'm a CBT Therapist and Life Coach with years of experience. It was after watching one of your videos that I realised that I have OCPD. For years I categorised my issues as OCD. I recognise that I have a few OCD traits.
However, when you explained OCPD everything fell into place. It was a Lightbulb moment for me, and my wife too. By the way she's a Counsellor too!
Having a diagnosis that fits helps you to change certain aspects of the problematic behaviours.
However, I still feel that I wash the dishes in the best way. Wash the car in the best way. I spent a lot of time perfecting things so I still believe that I do maximise everything to be good at it.
My work now is to not expect everyone else to adhere to my standards.
I've done that in the past and unfortunately I'm on my 3rd marriage as a result. Your videos have helped me and my wife greatly.
Steve 😀👍
Thank you for having the courage to share! Best wishes. Stay the course.
I agree that we should accept all personalities but we should not tolerate bad behaviors. Great video explaining this topic.
Exactly. Lies, abuse, deception should never be tolerated
I agree. It seems like a catch 22. I accept that you are a psychopath but that is not going to prevent you from doing harm to me.
I accept that all personalities are just personalities, the disordered are that way for a reason, their immature selves were warped by early experience in combination with their innate (genetic) traits. They themselves cannot see their ‘abnormality’ or the effects they might have because they have probably not had better, more normative examples in their environment and their personality disorder is in fact a survival strategy, it protects them. I think a lot of people have trouble with the labeling, but terms and labels are essential devices to navigate the literature and the videos. In the same way we use Latin names for plants, we need the labels. Another useful video Dr Grande 👍
monica Cruz but still not a reason to give pity and fall victim to their pity plays/victim mentality. Observe don’t absorb
Yes I think that is what Dr. G is saying, personalities are personalities we are individuals and it is ok to be different.
The problem occurs when they use their personality to take advantage of others for negative reasons. Nothing wrong with an natural advantage or disadvantage, use it. But if you abuse others because of it or with it then it starts to become a "disorder". This seems to be a more welcoming approach to therapy.
@@goodcitizen3999 cheers mate!
Character it's different from personality. Character is where your moral compass exists, your chore
alexandra schuster thank you for this comment
Acceptance and insight give me mercy for the narcissistic person in my life. Clearly, you are a kind and caring counselor.
I understand your situation.
Why would you want to keep a narc in your life? If it's a mild case and there's an overwhelming reason to keep them in your life, I can see it, but it usually isn't worth the pain they inflict. Are a masochist?
Or...just cut people with these disorders from your life- just an idea, just a thought.
Many thanks for mercy and compassion with narcissist. You make a world for better place. Your opinion is extremly rare. I have NPD. I never forget it.
@@edennis8578 Unconditional love
Wow! Wow, wow, wow. Having come from a group of family and friends where many have personality disorders, this video was an eye-opener. This really changed my view about personality disorders. I have chills right now. Thank you, Dr. Grande.
I feel the same way. Brilliant explaination and description of an ever growing field in humans behaviour.
I might have "Binge-watching Dr. Grande's videos" disorder but I'm not 100% sure.
The concept of personality disorders as protective is pretty interesting, especially as regards something like borderline - the behaviors keep others at arm's length and thus might relate to not letting anyone get so close that real abandonment is possible.
Also, the concept of struggling to change traits/behaviors, that "normal" feels wrong....sigh. Helps explain more of the idea of why change can be so hard, why even changing behaviors is hard, let alone the underlying personality itself.....sigh.
Speaking in terms of acceptance, awareness, insight rather than blunt categorization seems very compassionate to me for all concerned.
Thank you.
@@Mineav I'm sos sorry that you were hurt and suffered. I understand how that feels. I hope you can heal.
Lukav Im so so very very sorry for what you’ve been through
It’s not just compassion, it’s Zen.
@@Mineav I’m so sorry this happened. You might try Therapy in a Nutshell channel. She has good tips for processing trauma.
My life until I got help. I’d take turns emotional dumping with each friend to give the other some rest. It never went so far as actual connection until now and I’m going to be 24 in a few weeks.
Yeah, my husband who broke my nose and is incessantly critical can't at all understand why I want a divorce. In his mind it has to be because I have a secret boyfriend.
I have seen your exact scenario of obsessive paranoid thugs before and apologies on behalf of my fellow man. I'm no angel but hitting a lady is a line I would never cross. Get as far away from this Muppet as humanly possible and good luck in your new life :)
@@j.jwhitty5861 Thank you for your positive message.
Understanding does not equal passive acceptance nor forgiveness. One can understand behavior without condoning it or living with it. I hope you are far, far away from this monster as you read this, zzslye! I'm so sorry you have had to go through that.
My husband told me he didn't understand the difference in the way we both see our marriage. He sees our marriage as the best part of his life. I told him because he got a good marriage and I got emotional abuse in all the forms marriage. He doesn't understand why I would leave such a good marriage, I left to save my emotional health, which was the last thing I wanted to do. He is untreated
Sorry to hear, hope Insha'Allah things are now better
When I was younger, a few years before I was diagnosed, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what, I didn’t know how, or why; But I was able to tell that something was off with my emotions, and my mental state. I tried to pass it off as depression, but I still didn’t feel it quite explained everything.
The diagnosis was a huge click for me-
Your screen name is really disturbing! Have you ever sought psyche help?
Recently found this helpful advice while listening to a discussion about THE POWER OF NOT REACTING: 'Be the most severe judge of yourself and the most understanding friend to others... Train your mind to see the good in every situation.'
Thank you Dr. Grande. I just accepted myself, and my unique perspective.
I have always been different, tried to fit in, and the whole time it felt wrong.
I am the people pleaser. This has led to self destruction several times. Now I am older and tired, and I live in beautiful, bountiful acreage in the country and am joyfully living.
Ditto
I really liked the narrative.
And as a quite well recovered borderline, I very much agree with "normal" feeling wrong. And it can feel like you're losing yourself. Which I think is an even bigger blow to someone with identity issues, as many borderlines do. This is one of the reasons I found recovery so scary. But at the end of the day, the improvements are worth it for the benefits gained in other areas.
It gets more comfortable with practice and time though.
Thank you Sarah! Thank you for sharing your great improvement it gave me hope.
As a person diagnosed with BPD, i think your theory regarding personality disorders and how they feel like they need to adapt to a normal that isn’t normal for them is great. You really hit the nail on the head with that one, I am never able to stop feeling this intense intrusive feeling of wrongness or being off and i believe that it is partially due to being forced to live in a word that doesn’t make sense to someone like me. always love your content grande ;P
Phenomenal, intelligent, multi-layered, thorough, compassionate and clear explanation of "walking in the other guy's shoes" to understand, help, heal and relate to those experiencing personality disorders!
I knew I had a personality flaw but it wasn't defined completely until I was manic and psychotic. I always went to counseling and always diagnosed with depression. Most therapists do not ask the right questions in my opinion. I never had one such as you who seems to truly wants to help. I so appreciate your analysis Dr. G. Thanks
Having spent most of my life in a "desperate/anxious" state of mind, going back and forth from victim to victimizer I found the help I needed in a very similar fashion as described in this video. I was empathized with and then gently guided to engage in behaviors that seemed incredibly counter productive (scary even) to my self preservation, as I found the courage to try on some new behaviors, the results were instantly beneficial to my self esteem and in turn lead me to try on other behavior patterns with great success. I can now say that I have a heathy sense of self. What once upon a time felt so right, now feels very uncomfortable if I momentarily fall back into old thought patterns.
Good on you!! Very encouraging comment, thanks for sharing ❤️
Yes, very same thing happened to me to. Someone empathized with me instead of judging me or just telling me I’m wrong or to change. And slowly gained my trust and asked to do thing that felt so stupid to me. And slowly The walls came down and I became self aware. My normal was different and I kept getting rejected by people and society and no one would actually sit down with me and tell me why what I did was wrong, and how it may make other people feel. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what and where and how to fix it! It was a viscous cycle or getting rejected by people and society and become more frustrated and and try the wrong ways to get what I needed since that was the only was I knew how. It truly felt like I was reborn. Sometimes I remember how strange my brain used to think and it surprises me that I thought I was right. And when u put it together with the circumstances I had It kinda makes sense. We need more people like that, people with compassion and empathy
@@malooskitty9124 another great and encouraging experience!! I'm happy for you, it's a lot of hard work, but look at you!
@@malazkarar1171 thank u! I wish to be able to do the same for others too!
The scenario you describe at the end was my experience, growing up as a "nice" and naive person, when we moved to a tougher neighborhood where prosocial behaviors were often not the norm. The kind of acceptance you describe is good for therapist but perhaps can be dangerous for the general public and those in relationships with disordered personality individuals because judgment/discernment is required to make important decisions and boundaries necessary to protect yourself. Unfortunately we have to make judgments all the time. We can and should avoid stigmatizing people, but we must always acknowledge what we see and how it will affect us.
Egodystonic is like the start of recovery. Like that old saying, "The first step is to admit that there's a problem to begin with".
Egosyntonic is like denial, which derails change. My parents tried getting me help when I had depression. But it was so bad that I refused any help. See, I had no understanding of what I was going through, and just didn't have a clue how to reach out for help. Therefore, felt I had to recover alone, which is why it took so damn long. But like another saying, "better late than never" 🙄😉
How did you cure your own depression?
@@mnmmnm8321 Hello, there's no such thing as a cure for depression or anxiety. It's a state of mind which can be triggered by so many things. A person can only learn to manage it.
I've learned to do that with a lot of different things. Mainly cold showers, meditation and just taking care of my health and well being in general. Trying to manage my habits and rhythms as best I can.
I will say though, there's a weird sort of duality going on quite often. I mean, sometimes, it almost feels bipolar 😅😝
For example, I could be in a proper chilled out and light mood most of the day, but come night time, it's as if I haven't had the right balance all day, so I end up sorting out the balance by listening to dark or bleak ambience or something as I'm catching up with particular good news from around the World, such as new technologies and events that are making the Planet and people better off.
It's quite a peculiar thing aye, but I'm very glad that I have an understanding of it. I just go with it, because I know that it feels right. Understanding of ourselves comes over time of course. That's what life is isn't it, a journey of experience and discovery 👍😊
That feels reversed?
But I don't have a problem with it. The others do and let me feel I'm different and wrong the way I am.
“Hahahahaha, haha FUCK YOU”. - ICP
There’s nothing wrong with ME, speak for yourself, brother
I'm almost anti-social. I just love being by myself, most of the time. That really is a behavioral issue, but I'm not harming anyone, and there's no one to blame me for their issues. So peaceful after years of conflict, which I was partially responsible for. But whew, I'm glad that things worked out the way they did. I constantly monitor my thoughts and words and actions. Is this beneficial to me, and others in my life. I really appreciate these videos. I watch many of these to get that self reflection. It don't make me perfect , it helps me feel better though. I hope all you can be better. You are watching these because you want to know how the mental issues affect your lives. Yours and others. You're only human.
Me too...let's be alone together
That’s asocial not antisocial biiiig difference lol
I feel bad experiences with people with personality disorders make us all feel this way. It is very difficult to have a romantic relationship with these people. Yes, you can accept it but it puts you in a very dysfunctional relationship.
I can't believe I missed this one ? As a retired clinician for decades, that was brilliant !! Reflecting on my own life and work, the refrain in my head is "ahhh, now I understand what was happening!" Thanks you
I am a 49-yr old woman who is only now able to accept the Borderline Disorder diagnosis I was given by a Forensics Psychiatrist at the age of 32, during my divorce. I appreciate your work with these videos.
🍃💜🍃
I was diagnosed with BPD this past year. My immediate reaction was great relief combined with fear. I’ve felt “different” most of my adult life but didn’t recognize that I may have a personality disorder until it started to manifest in dramatic ways in my life. It became impossible to ignore. People that I had burned bridges with would just say I was “crazy” and my family just thought I was bipolar. Once I was properly diagnosed, I had direction and tools to change my life and address the symptoms of my disorder. I never would have thought that I would have had BPD but everything makes sense now.
What a beautiful, empathetic way of explaining what a personality disorder is. It would be interesting how you could explore aside from acknowledging and validating the difficulties of their experience to share some potential resources of healthy confrontational tactics for partners and families.
Hmmm well maybe I've become too cynical but in my experience having compassion for people with NPD in particular (and I know he's talking about other disorders as well) results in them taking outrageous advantage of you. I've removed the narcissists from my life. There was a time when I loved them dearly but now I have less than zero respect for them, if that's possible.
I agree, it was very empathetic. I'm not sure about healthy confrontational tactics with someone that has NPD though. It's been my unfortunate and frustrating experience that you really can't win for losing at any attempts for a healthy dialogue with these people. I tried, and tried, and tried, every different way possible and it always got me nowhere. Like I was speaking Navajo or something. And in a very humanitarian way I hope they will be alright in their life. I chose not to be in it anymore because it was a very unhealthy situation for me, but I don't wish them harm because they're wired different.
As usual an excellent, informed, compassionate and ultimately very pragmatic approach.
Thank You,, Dr. Grande! Love how you explain all this stuff! Makes perfect sense! Always a pleasure to hear your insight and perspective on these interesting topics.
As someone who has a personality disorder, your theory is spot on with me. It took me years to learn how to see a well adjusted perspective as normal.
As someone with BPD this made me tear up. However my whole life I knew something was wrong. Diagnosed depressed,anxiety then ptsd after an abusive relationship. Then I brought up how I knew something still felt off and I was diagnosed bipolar. However as nothing changes with meds and my dr further looked into my symptoms they realized it was bpd. Right then I felt seen. It all clicked.
SAME...SO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THRU THIS...IM GONG THRU THE SIMILAR EXPERICE
I really need them to find my REAL diagnoses as well. It is so exhausting. So glad you have answers that feel right. Ty for posting
Same here! Literally EXACT same string of diagnoses. I'm 50 yrs old, and just finding out I've had bpd my whole life. Looking back at teenage years, it was REAL obvious. Now that I've learned coping skills, it's transformed into "quiet" bpd, and now only have 5 of 9 traits, instead of all 9 when I was a teenager. Realizing I've had it all along was simultaneously liberating, yet heartbreaking. However I'm now able to "extract ", and amplify the positive traits of bpd....intuition, creativity, etc., and it's been a much better life experience. I still struggle with some things, and always will, but at least I've got much more of a handle on it now. Take care ❤
I don't know if anyone is truly self-aware in terms of seeing themselves as others do....
Yes. I think that is so difficult to do. But we can improve and become more self-aware.
@@lisadiconti There's an interesting other side of that coin though...a lot of celebrities have a heightened sense of how they are perceived by others, but probably makes many of them even more egocentric (whilst displaying an 'outward' appearance of humility, kindness etc).
One trick is for the patient to ask himself what he'd think if one of his friends did the same thing. Since their friends probably don't say/do such things, the contrast is heightened. That can help make the conduct's oddness seem more striking to the person exhibiting it.
It’s impossible, everyone perceives you differently don’t they?
I think I am to at least my worst qualities
This is brilliant how you explained it really amazing! 💯% I lost my sister to NPD and she’s full blown. She lowers my self esteem and knocks my confidence. I’m not going back to the constant manipulation, anger, rage and abuse. I believe you have treated people, but there is no helping my sister.
I agree that awareness, acceptance, and building insight are the best ways to regulate a personality disorder if you have one or to build relationships with people who exhibit personality disorders. The more you learn, the more you can be prepared to handle the differences in others.
Thanks for this breakdown of Egosyntoic vs Egodystonic. I was taught a way more overly simplified explanation of the two, and your explanation actually helped to clarify that it's far more fluid than how some make it out to be.
My holistic healer said, Robin if the light is Red but you keep walking because you think it's okay to ignore it, and you get hit by a car, then you are wrong. You may feel that it's your right, and it may make you feel right, but you're going to be injured. ( Haha I said so it's not my way or the highway)
@@Xesxs 😊
Thank you. Looking back at my life I see that I didn't know that I was "different". I was unaware of the problems that my traits caused. Now that I am aware I just want to recover. But people don't understand. I don't choose to be happy and optimistic one day and wake up depressed and hopeless the next. I don't choose to be blind sided by a PTSD shame memory that leaves me empty for days. People don't understand that I am not like them, I can't just "decide" to feel better. I'm not sure where this is taking me so I will just say thank you Dr. Grande. Maybe My "normal" should be ok.
I can most certainly empathize with you, as someone who has struggled to cope with a number of traumatic experiences that have shaped me, and feeling further traumatized, rejected, and abandoned by those that are "supposed to" love me unconditionally. Acceptance, rather than judgement or blame for having difficulty adjusting after multiple severe traumas, would go a long way to show me that I'm safe, supported, and I have people in my corner willing to help LOVE me through the healing process. Thank you @DrGrande for articulating this so well, and for bringing awareness and compassion to the table.
@Timothy McDonnell There isn't a "they" though who you are different from - we're all different from everybody else.
Well put!
Dr. Grande, thank you for being one of the few who are licensed to do what you do that value the person that is dealing with something difficult, and advocate meeting them where they are and validating their current condition and willingness to submit to accountability as having the utmost value! Accepting and confirming their value is far MORE important than trying to root out what may need some work to be fruitful. I am at the point of holding on very very loosely to a relationship with an amazing and faithful woman who has been diagnosed with Bipolar 1...but the more I research how to navigate weekly difficulties that I once considered a total deal-breaker, due to my love for her and the extremely good and devoted side she also operates in, I am beginning to see what sounds more like Borderline characteristics. Thank you for making this info available and showing that you can see past the issues to the person. That will be essential if we are ever to hope to work through any of this together with you at some point.
I left a few questions for you in that regard on another one of your videos this week, and hope we can connect.
Highest regards--cf
I tried exactly that. Just accepting her for who she is and how she is because of the enormous amount of love I always have for her. But in this process I have become a shell of myself. I sacrificed everything to compromise with the disorder because I wanted to be with this person so bad. Now I wonder if any of it was real. I became disabled and discarded. 20 years is a long time to live on crumbs. I would not choose this life again
@@marshapence7928 Thanks for the warning...I have to question my own motives for wanting it to work so badly in spite of so many occasions that would declare loudly try that she is just broken as far as being a true partner. I don't know how anyone would procede without having a mutual commitment to a higher authority to guide us into and define righteousness as God's Word does for all who will listen. These problems are spiritual in nature, and we are given to fall for spiritual deception and evil apart from our Creator who helps us navigate the waters of what He alone can define as good and evil. 🕎❤️✝️
Thanks Dr. I've been struggling to understand a person in my life who's extremely vile and vindictive. I always start the thought process thinking "how could somebody do that" but fail to understand they may suffer from f.ex personality disorder and by watching your videos I gain some inner peace knowing there might be a reasonable explanation for the behavior.
I've got an addiction: Addicted to Dr. Grande's videos! You're helping so many people. What an amazing teacher. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much Dr Todd Grande for uploading this video!!! I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 4 months ago and I am 28 years old....still trying to understanding the nature of this diagnosis left me with a lot of unanswered questions.. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 24 and medicated. Medications didn’t work on me.....for some reason I still felt like something was missing....didn’t know what it was but I tried so hard to deconstruct everything about me: my mind, understanding why I keep having intrusive thoughts that brung me distress in my life, worrying about my autoimmune disorder and causing me chronic fatigue, my self, my history, my upbringing (especially what I believe to be a mentally unstable narcissist paranoid parent), grew up all my life in poverty, feeling like a black sheep in my family, being told I had to adopt to situations that didn’t feel comfortable nor right to me especially jobs and social settings..then making me feel bad for not adopting, taking personality test as an attempt to understand who I am, identity crisis as a teen, extreme low self esteem, feeling empty in relationships, saying that I couldn’t function in a relationship and not knowing why, wondering why everywhere I went I feel like a misfit, feeling trapped, feeling guilty and self-hatred..years of wears and tears. I would dissociate more and more and shut down. Suicide made sense to me. Years of this lead up to 6 suicide attempts. The solution was an overdose mixture, but I survived and woke up in the hospital. Had I not been properly diagnosed, I do believe I would have been dead....this video gives me sooooo much clarity on how personality disorder developes..and it makes sense. I do believe I might have another 2 PD(AvPD comorbity), not sure but will try to seek another assessment from the dr. Again thank you so much for the topic of this video. I still struggle but I am looking for help...
How do I find out if I have a personality disorder . I was abused as a child by my mother . She didn’t love me at all . I have been codependent, panic attacks , binge eating .
@@tulinbeyduz920 me too/ abused, no love/ abandoned/ bi polar/depression/ anxiety PTSD
@@michaeldundee8300 I’m sorry for your pain . I heard and see you .. I know it’s very visceral and real .. just never stop reminding yourself, you are of value
At least, you're getting more accurate diagnoses! So, you can, finally, start getting some help, to make some progress!
And, you're so young, yet.
To start reshaping your past into the future you deserve! ❤
Tx is much better, I understand, + DBT. Which, I don't know that much about, yet. ... I've gotten the impression,* tho, that the depression, you may have experienced, is different than all others.
For what it's worth, from my research, after my husband died, Anti-depressants didn't seem to help. But, I'm not Right, or Left-handed, per se.
And, that may have something to do with how well a med. might work. - I'm a "Lefty" who's 98% Rt.-handed.
I'm sorry my bgf never got much help from Therapy. I think her bro. is right though; she was a BPD.
Her 100 y.o. Mom lost her 2nd child to Alcoholism; would be my guess. (Or, it's adverse health effects, in her case.) This 1, at 69 y.o., this time. 😢
Be patient with yourself. Yet, work to grow the "Real you," every day. ~ BEST WISHES!
I had 60-65 YEARS to "put back together," to *explain* that All 3 of my sibs are/were Narcissists.
(And, NOT? my Dad! ??) ... And, now, do believe that my older, BULLY Bro., created the other two! (SEE: Dr. Grande's vid. Re: kids that display early psychopathic behavior.)
This struck home. I've recently learnt I have OCPD. I've been struggling to do what most people seem to do, but I just can't seem to do 'normal'. I spend a lot more energy than the average person because I'm always fighting against my nature just to be able to cope with the unpredictability of everyday life. I've developed reocurring depression and anxiety over the years.
I am, at 38, learning to understand myself and how to adapt my life to manage my disorder in a healthy and productive way. I don't expect to be cured, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to live 'normal', but I'm confident I'll learn how to live OCPD in a healthy way.
By far the most articulate videos on mental health topics, and also easy to understand for the lay person. He nails every point very succinctly, not much blather.
I've seen a LOT of similar videos on similar such topics by other presenters, which are also good, but Dr. Grande is the BEST on UA-cam.
I had always considered myself "unlucky in love," but then, about 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (among a couple other things). Now, I'm aware of my behavior and relationships as they relate to BPD.
Huge fan of this channel. I have been binge watching your videos for about two weeks straight now.
Keep up the good work
Thank you!
Thanks for clarifying why we bpd folks behave and perceive as we do! Most of us doing the best we can, with the limited skills we have!
@@DrGrande i am on a two-week dr grande binge, myself. His presentation is so concise, matter-of-fact and diplomatic.
Thank you for giving non-stigmatized information. You wouldn’t expect a person with a broken leg to get up and walk around as though it was not broken. My brain has been changed by my adverse childhood experiences but I am pursuing treatment and that’s all I can do. People with PD’s deserve empathy but unfortunately we receive a lot of stigma, judgment and lack of understanding.
Violet, why don't you educate people on your disorder? That way they can be more understanding. The majority of people don't really understand PD's and really wouldn't have a reason to self educate on that topic. So for you to help them understand would be wonderful.
I have been in this place before and it’s frustrating.
The best thing that happened to me is that I realized that if they have no experience with what I experienced, how could they know?
Not everyone is capable of handling the details of certain traumas- and not everyone needs to have access to that.
I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to get people to understand that just could not. It would have been better just to appreciate the few that do , and let the others off the hook- and just not interact as deeply with them.
Spending my energy on healing and my self work is so much better of a strategy, for me.
I hope you come to a peaceful place about others not showing you appropriate compassion and understanding. Please show yourself this and be blessed.
@@theresaakins2317 it's not her responsibility to educate anyone. Google it.
most people have a hard time giving empathy and understanding because the traits of PD usually resulted in moderate to serious harm to them. Peope do not like how those with PDs treat them. So you do have a bit of work, but share your story if you want. unfortunately personality disorders are prevelent in abusers, murders, etc...
I think being diagnosed with any mental health disorder is stigmatizing. It's not necessary
Thank you so much for this video. I cried listening to your example of the 10 people in the room having to adjust and how this feels for people with personality disorders. I've never been to therapy but I'm looking into it/gathering up the courage to do it and I hope I can find someone like you.
Wonderful explanation !Once a psychiatrist diagnosed me as OCPD .But having watched your video again and again I have got some insight .If I could meet you 20 years back my valuable time would not have wasted. I 'm a story writer but I couldn't write more books because of my anxiety related disorders which was originated from a childhood guilt feeling. Anyway, thank you very much Sir.I'm astonished to find that the disorders are so common even here in Calcutta. Thanks again.
I found this very helpful. I can understand how being less judgemental and more empathetic can help the nurses give the client much better client centered medical care especially in a hospital setting. Thank you.
They have the (personality) problem, it's when their problem becomes my problem- that is where I draw the line. I can accept them and what makes them them, as long as they make up for it in other areas.
When I was a student psychiatric nurse thirty years ago we were educated about treating our patients with respect and care , not to hold things against them
@@india1422 but the need to be held Accountable
I got to the point you are talking about Dr. Grande.
I reached a place of accepting the person for who they are.
The problem is when there are children involved, they pick up on the personality traits.
They start blame shifting and become diffensive, just like their parents. Learned behaviour just like you said.
It's hard to teach them how to react differently.
Thank you for your help Dr. Grande.
Appreciate your input.
I'll keep it in mind.
Yes!
cool upside down pyramid.
@@soccerandtrack10
You mean, it's a good thing?
Thank you very much.
Never thought of it that way!
Yeah Lama. Parents have a huge impact on their children personalities whether directly or indirectly.
I’ve diagnosed with a personality disorder (OCPD). people see my perfection traits as an advantage especially if we work as team but it sucks!
@@Alaa-ft4is 💗💗😘😘😘
As long as you're aware of it, you're halfway there!
Stay strong💝
That is the absolute best analogy about personality disorders I’ve ever heard. Like being in a room with normies, and suddenly Everyone has a personality disorder. Then try to navigate life uncomfortably trying to be “normal”
Best video ever. Compassion is always the best place to start any human interaction.
Really good analysis, thank you. I think we have to be careful here though. Speaking as someone who has been in several long term relationships with women with serious personality disorders, I know that any validation can be seized upon and weaponized by someone with destructive personality traits. Too often, I have seen the entire focus of treatment on the patient without any regard to how their behaviour affects those closest to them, the ones who are in the best position to give them help and support. For instance, one CPN (mental health nurse here in England), told me in front of my ex wife that it was my job to sit there and take everything she could throw at me. Another told her that she was well, and her feelings were normal when she was clearly in the grip of a manic episode, and her behaviour was extremely dangerous and destructive.
If you've had long term relationships with several people with PDs then I suggest you require a lot of therapy & might stop projecting your damage into the world & blaming others if you worked on yourself.
No way would you be attracting a long line of damage like that if you aren't big time damaged yourself & in no position to sit in judgement.
I would very much like to know what crazy category I fall in to!
My moods vary within days to suicidal to hope.
Hope is the highest I get because I'm 74 and I haven't got much life left!
I am drinking to blot out the pain of just being me .
I was abused as a child and I can't blot out Th memories .
So Grande - what crazy categories do l fall into because frankly I want to die!
Is that a category?
You are full of wisdom - but do you really know what it's like to be on the edge of a cliff ready to jump?
All these fancy names for mental conditions - basically we've all feel like ending it all.
So what cluster does that come under Dr Grande?
Frankly I think you are the best but what is your answer for people like me?
So be it but if you really care you will care. Gillian Mills.
You've got a point. Everyone is responsible for their behaviour but the manipulators with personality disorders often get a pass. They can take your compassion and understanding and carry on, not scrutinizing their own behaviour, convincing all sorts of well meaning people that they deserve attention and support.
You can wind up in a series of abusive relationships because your life grooved you to be empathetic and giving and not practised at defending your boundaries. But you are the party that deserves the support. I agree. The world has a maddening tendency to sympathize with them and place the responsibility on you. Maybe it's because they are impossible.
@@notaclue822 Thank you Shirley. Very well put. I am an extremely empathetic person, and that is like catnip to someone with destructive personality traits. In my experience, these people are experts in manipulating others and claiming victim status. The help is often there for people with personality disorders, as it should be. But we should be mindful of the damage that they can do to their loved ones, and offer them support too, and try to mitigate that damage during the treatment of the disorder. Otherwise, you will end up creating more patients with depression and anxiety in the long run
@@tower_studios_dave as a fellow empath, I relate to your posts wholeheartedly. I guess that the only thing to decide is how to build self esteem enough that you’re going to ‘love yourself more’ than the other person and do what’s right for you regarding staying or leaving the relationship.
There’s a few groups supporting HSP’s now, thank goodness!
That makes sense. One can't grow from a place where they are not. They can only grow from where they are at. If the person cannot understand, or be understood by others, there won't be movement. And, there is also the possibility that they don't want to change for others and that needs to be respected too.
OMG can you PLEASEEE do a video on what a "normal" personality looks like? I would love that! I was only raised by one person, no siblings in the house so that is all I ever know. I spent time with this person the most and that Is my prime example of a personality and he is NOT Normal. I have always wondered what "normal" people are like. I'm always thinking things like "wow, so you're not constantly paranoid?" or wow, did you do this random thing, or say this normal thing to me? thats so amazing! (and their like uhh thats normal..) or wow u don't leave cabinets open? waterbottles half filled? wait wait wait, anger is not the first thing that pops in your head when there's conflict? it took me years yearsssss to realize all the abnormal things about myself, and even longer to try to break theses. I'm still learning what normal is, like I really really wanna know, I dont want to affect my future child in any bad way, and I refuse to have them before I "fix" myself.
People now see Dr Grande as a great entertainer, but he is also a natural educator. He has brought such a broad range of content that there is always a surprise waiting in the back catalogue.
This video needs to be watched more than once (for me at least) because it’s extremely deep and kind of mind bending to try and think like someone with a PD. I rewound a few parts many times and was very struck by your empathy, Dr Grande, for people with PD's. It’s very interesting to think 'what if' everyone's personality is just another person with their own personality - disordered or not. In a way, this is a beautiful vlog, and that might sound strange, but I found it touching. Thank you ☺️
You're welcome!
@@DrGrande it's very rich to see that you respond to your viewers. This is a characteristic which separates you from many others. It lets all of us know that we are not posting comments to a machine.
I agree! Kind of mind-bending and completing absent of judgment.
I actually took some time to listen. My personality disorder has cost everyone around me a lot. On the issue of meta cognition I usually reflect on how I'm percieved by others long after the event. I'll be laying in bed reflecting on the day and I'll feel like an ass. As I get older I find myself avoiding situations where I might have a chance of embarrasing myself. I'm a truck driver now but I used to work as a network tech. Driving over the road is a perfect job for someone with a personality disorder.
There are times when I feel like I think with two minds. One mind knows that I have a problem but the other wants to fight so hard to buck the system. After an argument or incident I know what I could have done better but at the time I just wanted to fight.
Same here! Keep staying strong friend..
I think this type of thought process is very normal for trades people. I grew up blue collar and the people in my life were very similar. Some went to jail. Others have heavy police fines on a regular basis. I think they feel a lack of control in their lives so they do reckless things
What is your disorder?
@Persona non grata No, not really. Driving is the therapy; you have to focus on the task. like listening to music too loud is actually a sedative for not thinking about your problems.
@@AoiYumi1 try being their Safety Officer on a job site; what a shit show; OK......who is related to who; who went to school with who; who was in the same cellblock with who; just so I know the gang group!!!!
Starting at 18:30, you put it into words so well... Maybe fixing them should not be the goal, but, rather, it should be the accepting someone's personality as it is, then working on building insight. By that, I take it to mean insight for the person who has the disorder, since they are lacking that insight. And you mention that insight gives them a good starting point. Literally feels like someone just shined a light on something for which I have been searching for years.
Το Chris Sapp: That is so true!
Accept them as they are, then help them gain insight😊
Dr. Grande, it's extraordinary that you have the understanding and vocabulary to effectively weave your way through the conundrum of human psychology. If your viewers understand only a small fraction of your content here, they've learned a great deal because you have given us so much.
Thank you for not making these people sound like monsters and try and foster understanding and empathy while it can -- but also leaving it up to people to make their own choices.
That is such a refreshing way to get along with people. I am in a relationship with a narcissist and I’m not perfect so this helps me so much.
And your narcissist buddy will keep reminding you forever in subtle ways that you are not perfect too. Enjoy!!
@@ace6285 Doesn't everyone do that? You sound like the person that would never let a narcissist recover because every single mistake they do *must* be because of narcissism
@@Slayer3264 Whatever I sound like, I am a person who was forced to research for years about Narcissistic Personality Disorder due to my mother. Researchers who work to find a system or therapy for people with this mind are universally so far unified in stating there is nothing so far to induce a change. This is basically because part of this mind set is the concrete position that they do nothing wrong, that any adverse event is the fault of others. They do not look to evolve or ask for help. They do not believe they need it.
Help in this situation is for those involved with people with NPD, rather than the NPD .... explaining and identifying the characteristics and learning to separate and protect oneself from a toxic source.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not the same as the common self centered individual that is featured these days and called Narcissist. It is a much more lethal and serious condition.
Thank you for posting this video, Dr. Grande.
You're theory that you go through during the second half of the video is spot on!
I am diagnosed OCD "Pure-O" and have come to believe that many of my OCD
personality traits manifested themselves through early childhood experiences--
witnessing a very, *_very_* messy divorce.
Your videos have taught me so much. They are always insightful and incredibly professional.
It's no wonder you have garnered so many subs, and so much support in only a couple years!
Godspeed Dr. grande!
The best video on personality disorders that I've ever seen. Thank you!
I was driving home last night and was thinking exactly about what you said here in the ending. What a coincidence this was the last video I watched last night.
I just ended a relationship with whom shows many traits of covert narcissism.
If you talk with people who give advice on these people...they say they are monsters, incapable of change and run fast from them.
As an empath, I think what happened to this poor soul that made him so anxious, bitter, destructive, entitled, self absorbed and egotistical?
If I let my thoughts be known, I am looked upon as a sympathizer and basically stupid for doing so.
No, I do not want him back. Reality is - he is toxic. But who am I to change him ...he has to figure out why he has so many downfalls in his life. I gave him 4 years to figure that out, that something is wrong, all while trying to deal with what he was dishing out to me.
I ended it with telling him his troubles were there LONG BEFORE ME, maybe he needs to look in a mirror and take a good honest look. Ask himself why he is ALWAYS as he puts it; "in hard times".
Who am I to judge. I can only say what I know is best for me....and he didn't make the cut.
It seems society determines what is normal and what isn't.
@Runaway Train Thank you..i wish you the best in life as well. It sure is complicated. I am so glad I'm finally at a point where I just want as much peace as possible. I feel bad for those struggling with finding peace and happiness - its all most of us really want out of life. Sometimes it takes people so long to figure out thats what really matters in the end.
Oh I doubt he was a narcissist. If you can leave unscathed, he's not a narcissist. Rule of thumb.. The reason for this is simply due to what the kind of abuse they inflict on a person does. You can't walk away from them like you claim to have. Either he was just a run of the mill douche, or you're the liar.. perhaps the covert narcissist yourself. Honestly I think you're just probably a slightly neurotic and over-emotional type that didn't have enough experience with the opposite gender to really not misconstrue what was happening.
You talk too much.
I love how when revisiting these videos that you work so hard to put together I learn more each time.
You really gave me a lot of peace and encouragement with this video! Your example of a “normal person” switching spots with someone who has a personality disorder- I feel like you really do understand. Very interesting theories in all your videos btw!
Your highly educated point of views and insights are sooo fascinating! When you said how maybe feeling or behaving normal to someone with a personality disorder feels just wrong to them (just to touch on "one" of your statements), was an incredible eye opener! I'm going to have to watch this one a couple more times.
I understand what you are saying and I think that it probably is a good idea to know that personalities (especially the disorders) are rooted in childhood and don't usually change, however, it is never acceptable to be abused by anyone no matter why they have the personality they have.
@Krisluvsutube100% correct! I CRINGE that a co-dependent empath hears this video and believes it is her/his obligation to "accept" UNRELENTING ABUSE.
@@ellehub2136 I used to think that way.
I always enjoy your analysis, especially this video. Thank you for taking me into their perspective. My compassion has grown today.
Your content and explanations are so appreciated. Thank you for the time you spend making videos
Honestly one of the most insightful Dr. Grande video I’ve seen yet. Thank you so much.
Those last three or four minutes I really needed to hear. What if people are just people? What if we accepted these personality disorders? Thank you.
Accepting is hard if the person with the disorder is verbally and at times physically abusive. Will not listen to anyone's opinion or suggestions , etc.
It's very difficult. I've tried. The only thing that matters is their needs and wants. That's no way to live. The only way to survive is to distance yourself emotionally and to coexist instead of being true partners. If you really want to be happy I suggest not staying with a narcissist if you don't have to.
@@barbswartz3022 Exactly. This is ridiculous. It really comes off as telling us (the ones being put through the ringer) to just shrug off the lies, gaslighting and other types of abuse. Yeah, I'll accept it...when I can do it from a distance.
@@wordivore thanks for your reasoning. Good comment.
@@outofthefog7397 I agree. That is why I live without looking for a girlfriend. But sometimes a have a desire to just try.
I've been watching a lot of your content lately, and I appreciate the input you give in your videos but this one was honestly the most impactful for me to have watched. Just wanted to say that I appreciate your work and am very very greatful to have gotten to this video.
Your compassion is refreshing
It’s hard to accept the damage that someone you you loved is capable of when the lengths they go to are so destructive to so many
But they are truly suffering
And a level of compassion. At a distance is helpful
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful approach to a condion/s so easily maligned
I think you hit the nail on the head with the end of the video. You are one of few I've seen that seems to understand it and want to fix it instead of blaming and demanding change.
I do love how rational and cautious your advice is, and your insight is deeply appreciated, thanks for your channel.
Thank you Dr. Grande,
I was thinking thoughtfully about the lack of insight. This is so true in people I’ve met with diagnosed PDs and those I see with other severe mental illness. Also, I appreciate you’re reframing and theorizing about personality disorders. The personalities can be seen as just that. People are people in their environments and the stability of shaping over time to result into those “dark” traits too.
I’ve given consideration throughout my time in school about what I see in and outside the clinical world. I am interning at a psych hospital for the next year and I see that lack of insight among different individuals. I’ve also seen it within my life as well with someone I dated (7 months) with BPD. I thought about those moments in couples therapy and the clinical experience now.
As a side note, what I have come to be thankful for is my lack of experience with stigma. We had an exercise in my practice class where we had a stimulation of AHs, similar to those with schizophrenia disorders. We had to wear headphones and then were asked to do a community outing (I had to ask for a resume), see the “psychiatrist” who was “burnt out” and rude, and do a day program, and a written psychological test. I was so tired and mad at the end, and it was only 1 hour that I had “lived” with the voices in my ear!
Anyways, it put into perspective my own privilege of passing in society and not having those symptoms in my life. Those with mental illness really can be alone with all this and that made me sad. See, that lack of my own insight boosted my empathy and understanding.
Although, this video helps me look at PDs in a different light too. Thank you for that!
Lou Sunny that’s an amazing experience. I was going through it in my mind as I was reading it.
I have studied and enjoyed this field for nearly 40 years. This is THE best explanation of this topic I have ever been exposed to.
Extremely insightful. I agree that acceptance is key to any situation involving people and personality disorders or not. We all have the right and choice to make decisions to accept people for who they are. It doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries or decide whether or not we will continue to accept it but acknowledge that you have the ability to do what’s best for yourself if necessary without compromising your own values.
So much material to reflect on this video. This was fascinating!
Thank you Dr. Grande, I deeply appreciate your videos.
Your clarity of thought and concise explanations are extremely helpful. Thank you Dr Grande.
I appreciate your view , it makes sense to me that in a more open and accepting environment the troubled individual has more chance of relaxing, be less defensive and develop more awareness and insight - thank you
Thx for that clarity. I know that "healthy feels wrong" when we are introduced to it. Your teaching makes it easier to keep accessing compassion. Thank you.
Thank you Todd.
I have felt like a square peg in a round hole my entire life. It is a very lonely existence.
As I commented on another one of your videos:
"Hurting people, hurt people and I do not believe for one moment that they do it intentionally. There has to be a reason."
Intentionally or not the reality is we are very hurt inside.
Me too. Whow. Thank you for your honesty
I loved your point about discussing about improving upon their relationships, to assist with progress with personality disorders that otherwise may be acting as defense mechanisms, and that even with metacognition, they may otherwise be unable to see the value in releasing these traits, until they have learned to value their connections.
Awesome video Dr. Grande! This helps me have compassion for people who I can easily dismiss as jerks, mean, or evil.
You've never been mean or a jerk? So if you are mean to me I can assume you have a personality disorder?
Yes. Most recently my ex husband died in February 2023.
He was a narcissistic sociopath & he lied to me & stoke money from me & my parents & he failed me & our 2 children ( now adults) and lied by omission.
It is good I followed my gut instincts & divorced him. He died owing the Fed & state governments over $100 thousand dollars money I would of had to pay back if we had stayed married.
I now know I had to save myself & our 2 children from his dysfunction.
There was no cheating by physical or emotional affairs ny either party I left him for emotional reasons.
I did attend his funeral only because I came to see him as a wounded soul. At first I felt like a victim but with professional help I got out of that mindset. I'm working on trust issues now.
I've been visiting your channel recently due to my own issues with someone I suspect as being on the NPD spectrum. What I appreciate about your method is you do a great job of being clear and concise. Thank you.
I really like your attitude of acceptance. It is easier for me to focus on how my behavior affects my life and other people than label myself as flawed and unacceptable.
I had no idea diagnosable personality disorders existed until I got my diagnosis in my mid-30's. The vernacular meaning of "personality disorder" outside a clinical environment is something someone does that someone else doesn't like. It's just a slur, an attempt to put someone in their place.
I was not allowed to see a clinician because it would expose my parent's abuse. When I turned 18 and got therapy on my own, my mother expertly took over the sessions. My therapist recognized I had something going on with my mother and suggested group sessions. My mother literally kept a list of everything she thought I did wrong that week and read it aloud for 50 minutes. The only way my therapist convinced her not to come to the sessions was by allowing my mother to call her each week with her list of complaints. Obviously the therapy was ineffective.
I was told daily that I had a unique problem, that I was the only weird one, that I was a snob. I have AvPD. That description was made of me by one of my cousins last week.
I didn't know I had a personality disorder because I didn't know they existed, I was kept from seeking treatment, I was told I wasn't worth wasting their time, and I was just defective in every way. No one outside the mental health industry knows what Avoidant Personality Disorder is. If you don't know it exists, how is anyone supposed to recognize it?
It feels normal to me. No amount of CBT or straight up hard facts is going to make me not believe to my core that I am unworthy. It's correct having this feeling as far as I'm concerned, and verified by how people have treated me all my life. It might not be fair, but life isn't fair, this was my lot in life, it's my normal. It's the way it's supposed to be.
Maybe your mother also has a type of personality disorder that she's not aware of?
@@kiss4strawberry She has never been diagnosed. Also abuse is not a symptom of a personality disorder.
You mother sounds like someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Cluster B) and her abuse of you probably caused AvPD in you (Cluster C). Studies of brain scans show that Psychopaths have abnormal brains. Whereas, I believe that Narcissistic Abuse is the main cause of Cluster C Personality Disorders.
Narcissists are notorious for their constant criticism (which is nearly always Projection) and for dominating the therapy sessions of their children in order to manipulate the therapist. They do not want their abuse or their disorder to be uncovered by the therapist, but 'out' themselves anyway by their controlling behaviour, though only to a competent therapist.
Not many therapists know about NPD as their training merely skims the surface of Personality Disorders. One would need to seek out a therapist who specialises in PD and Narcissistic Abuse. There are actually many therapists who insist that NPD and Psychopathy do not even exist!! Frightening!
@@rapunzelmane9592 Having traits does not mean someone has a PD. And it takes a thorough evaluation to make a diagnosis. I hope you don't go around attempting to analyze people like you did in your post.
As a person with a PD I find it very insulting when people attempt to label someone with negative qualities as having a PD. The worst was when Jerry Sandusky tried to explain his pedophilia as a PD - that was disgusting and utterly wrong. Believe it or not, every single one of the PD's have very good qualities associated with them.
I'll say it again - abuse is not a symptom of a PD. It's not in the DSM. Please don't invent criteria to fit your impression of a diagnosis.
@@ck2d + My assumption that you have AvPD was based on your statement that you have AvPD[!] which is a Cluster C PD. I was not in any way inferring that Cluster-C PD had anything in common with Cluster-B PD. If you read my comment again you will see that.
It was your mother that I was criticising, not you, or the Cluster-C's, who are not known as abusive. I have sympathy for Cluster-C's, as I believe, for the most part, that they are victims of the abuses of the Cluster-B's. Abuse may not be an official symptom' of the Cluster-B's but it is part of the usual experience of people who come into contact with them. They have little or no conscience so it would be difficult to not be abusive.
I was actually supporting your statement that your mother manipulated your therapy. You seem to be very insulted that I stated that your mother sounded like a Cluster-B, but you were complaining about her abnormal interference in the first place. Maybe you feel more comfortable imagining that her behaviour was normal(?) but your comment did not infer that.
It's a nice idea that everyone should not judge anyone' else until a professional diagnoses of a disorder is made, but as Cluster-B's are totally averse to analysis and personal responsibility, and have no introspection, the chances of most of them seeking a diagnosis are extremely rare. If we never draw a conclusion on our own, we can never move on.
The abusers and manipulators in my family/life never sought a diagnosis because they were, in their own narcissistic eyes, totally perfect and always right. Though, they fulfilled all the symptoms and criteria of Cluster-B's and played all the tricks that all narcissists employ: Gaslighting, Lovebombing, Word Salad, The Silent Treatment, and just plain violence.
If we all waited for Cluster-B's to get diagnosed in order to work out the wreck they made of our lives, we would all be waiting 'til Doomsday and never resolve anything.
17:30 until the end is a golden nugget. I couldn’t agree with you more. Awareness & insight is critical to not just recovery but for the person on the opposite end to understand the person their interacting with.
This is one of your best ,Dr.Grande. I actually said out loud to myself " this guy is REALLY smart" about halfway through.good job- more like this!