I'm a 52 year old American who just married a 38 year old Vietnamese woman in Hanoi. I'm very impressed by your culture and have tried to tell my American friends but they don't understand. Western culture is very toxic in many ways and I was truly inspired by your country and the woman I married. Unfortunately I find myself being the same way you are. I have a tendency to assume the worst when things are going wrong but I think it's because I have so little trust in people. In America, 50% of marriages end in divorce and 80% of these are initiated by women.
I have been cheated on multiple times. It's VERY hard to trust.. but I know that I'll never have a good relationship with a woman unless I force myself to trust her. Doesn't make it any easier though.
Dear Confused Avocado, I am an older gentleman and I have been married for 23 years to a lovely Vietnamese woman. We are still very much in love with each other. Please allow me yo give you a little advice or at least a few things to think about. 1) A long term relationship/marriage must be an equal proposition. What you bring to the table must make him happy and what he brings to the table must make you happy. Yes, you want to make him happy, but suppressing your desires to please him will make the relationship fail. He must also do everything in his power to please you. 2) You must know who you are and love yourself before you can give him the love that will last a lifetime. 3) Do not rush head first into a relationship. Study him for awhile. Are the things that attract him to you the kind of things that will result in a long term relationship? Just because he is funny, cute, popular, has a fancy car, etc. is no reason to fall in love. He must be a gentleman at all times, put you on a pedestal and put your needs and desires before his own as you should also do with him. 4) Be independent before you get too far into the relationship. Make him work to win your heart. This will allow both of you to have an equal relationship. 5) The most precious thing that a woman has is her body. She will insure the next generation. Unfortunately, in modern western societies, the young male does not value that. He wants to rob you of that for his own pleasure, then drop you like a hot potato. Anyway I hope the advice will un-confuse you. BTW, you are very cute and sweet. Make the boy work for his prize.
The first problem is not unique to Vietnamese women being needy. Male and female millennials have this strong need to text and be I love you. Being 56, I don't text much. I own a janitorial service. When I go to see how things are going at a location it really bothers me all this unneeded texting. I had a worker so insecure and his girlfriend was too, pulled the phone out of his hands and texted his girlfriend that he would be unable to text until his shift was over. That bothered both if them a lot. The next day he quit because my no texting policy was unfair.
I can't believe he quit his job because he cannot text while working!! 😨 Yeah I guess that's the problem of millenials in general. I used to be so anxious when my ex didn't text back after 2-3 hours. I really had no idea where this expectation come from. Now I'm glad that I'm no longer like that. It takes a lot of time for me to fix that crazy behaviour.
For texting frequency its always an individual preference. As a Singaporean guy who did a LDR before, its possible that your Singaporean ex was freaking out because on top of receiving less messages from you, he also had very little visibility on you. Singapore is a small city and everyone is always only an hour away, so we're not used to people "disappearing" on us.
It sounds like you have lived and learned a lot in just a few years. There is nothing to be ashamed about; everything takes time and practice. The world would be a happier place if people dropped most of their fears and expectations, and just let every relationship find its own level of intimacy and involvement. As a young person, you have more opportunities than you ever will again, so get out there, be honest and sincere, and just have fun! It doesn't need to be a gut-wrenching, ego-threatening experience. Big hugs, and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Honestly that's really weird for you to go to a foreign country to find a wife. Its sad how women from Asian countries have been fetishized by western guys.
It's more that women in the west are much more financially successful than in the past, so A LOT of men in the west these days don't meet the criteria these women look for. Lots of lonely guys with little chance as a result, so nothing wrong with them trying to find love abroad.
@Bartosz Piwowarczyk not quite. Women everywhere date for pragmatic reasons. It's also well established they date 'up' financially speaking - that's science, there are exceptions but it's irrefutable overall. In the west, many women have risen and displaced many men in the upper echelons of earnings. As such, from westerm women perspective there is a big shortage of 'qualified' suitors. So lots of men who are not considered for relationships. In the East, the men = breadwinner culture is still prevalent, so the volume of men qualify for relationship potential is larger than in the west.
classic low status males trying to understand why woman from their society don't find then attractive....yet females from developing countries do....its not rocket science fellas.
That was very honest of you. I like your attitude, rather have sex in a marriage than casual. Some day you will be blessed with a husband who will love you whole-heartedly.
Thank you for the video. When I have a special lady and I feel needed it makes me more motivated to work hard for her. When she text me or call I’m jumping inside 🎉🎉🎉. Thanks again.
The Vietnamese women I have met at work in STEM, and otherwise like my Vietnamese neighbors, are super nice people, usually super smart and also usually very attractive. Polite and hard workers. I find it a pleasure to be around them. You are putting alot of thought into issues in your life and that's good esp when it comes to relationships. One big mistake many people make is getting married and having children too young, before they figure out what they want in life and what life wants out of them.
I (63m) thought so too when I was 20-30 but a mature woman reminded me "that Biological Clock is ticking!" Now my daughter (dual race) and, yeah, 30's are stressful: career taking off, plus early in marriage, plus kids (or planning for kids). Need help. I gotta retire soon and help her out.
I don't want to go in-depth in a youtube comment, but as someone who dates a Vietnamese woman I would ask yourself whether all of things are true mistakes. Number 1 and 3 seem to be very questionable. For 1, I think anyone should expect attention from their partner and texting is a form of expression of that attention. If the person cannot text you a few times a day, I question whether they are so invested in you in the first place. It's not unhealthy to expect a small consideration a few times a day. There may be exceptions but I cannot think of barring not having service or your phone, why you cannot text at least good morning, how was your day, and good night. On number 3, there is a lot of confusion there between moral value and preference. It's not simply that you like pineapples on your pizza and the other person does, it has to do with core values and principles. I could date someone who likes ketchup on their pizza, but if they are sleeping with several people I could not. To me that is not someone who is worthy of my attention or attraction for that matter. The distinction between casual dating and serious dating can be important but I think the Vietnamese have it right here. Sure it might be fun to hang out with someone for a while but there should be a clear limit for how close you are with them. Personally I find it childish to date 'casually' maybe acceptable when you are like 18-20 but after that it seems like such a waste of time. Similar to your second point, I do not need a relationship to make me happy, so why do I need someone to chill with romantically? I have plenty of friends and I have no romantic expectations out of them so it's much less pressure and much less risk of heartbreak.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I think my mistakes here are that I was too rigid with my expectations without examining whether they make sense. Mistake #1, I also think asking for attentions is nothing wrong. But I was super clingy back then believe me 🤣 And it came from my lack of trust and not anything that’s healthy. Mistake #3, I agree with you there. I’m a bit conservative so I don’t see myself engaging casual dating. However, from my experience, it’s also not fair to judge someone who looks for long term relationships by starting out with casual dating. I think it’s fine as long as they communicate it. In Vn, we start out by immediately being serious bf/gf but it doesn’t mean people actually know if the other person is what they want in long term. For me, I didn’t really know what I was doing, what I wanted or what to look for . People from different cultures tend to consider ‘what makes sense’ differently in terms of how a relationship should progress. So I want to keep an open mind.
There is a huge difference between clingy, which is good.. and unstable, which is not good. Your partner should want to be with you, or at least interacting with you, on a regular, semi-constant basis. However, it needs to be tempered with reason.
It doesn't help that no one teaches us growing up about dating and relationships. All our parents did was scream "STUDY HARD AND BECOME A DOCTOR" and that's pretty much it. We're not taught how things work, how to manage emotions, and how to handle relationships and dating. Most people grow up getting those ideas from Hollywood, dramas, music, and movies. In a way we were set up to fail in those areas.
Honestly, you’ll find a lot of ppl in western culture doing whatever until it’s time to get married. So the whole casual dating or hooking up thing can be common but not everyone thinks this way. And I find that many people are really confused as to what they really want. They go back n forth with, I want a relationship but I don’t want the problems of a relationship. I like you but I don’t know if I’m ready. Or the I just want to meet as many ppl as possible while I can types. I think this comes from people having unresolved issues from past relationships. Also toxic work/hustle culture takes away from forming intimate relationships. Millions of people in the US report loneliness. And millions of young ppl are not even having sex here. No one with a brain can even think about marriage/kids because of how expensive it is. I think for the most part there’s the whole “what’s the point”. I know a lot of ppl who want to meet ppl and form closeness but time/money/Trauma gets in the way.
A marriage without the maintenance of traditional gender roles will likely fail sooner rather than later. And in a society where men and women have the same opportunities for financial gain, gender roles cease to exist. So, basically, staying married for life is becoming a thing of the past. The institution of marriage needs to be reinvented to fit a world in which women have become empowered to compete with men in the work place. Marriage used to be about survival; now, it's about whether or not I like my partner,
Your English is exceptional, you should put your self first and figure out what you want. Forget about a boyfriend and love yourself therefore the next MAN you meet, you will know if he really loves you. Or you can wait for me to come to Vietnam.
I used to be that girl and I've learned the lesson. It's very hard to get out of that mindset unless she could see examples of healthier, more secure and more mature kinds of relationship, not those portraited in rom-coms and novels.
I have noticed that with in the Vietnamese culture females haven’t had any education nor training in how to be a wife and have a relationship with males and that is the reason why so many single mothers now days in Vietnam. There for most young Vietnamese females sadly as a developing nations is picking up fantasy and unrealistic expectations from Korean drama. I am glad that this young lady is maturing and by knowing the world outside Vietnam is becoming a great woman. 🧘🏻♀️🧘🏻♀️🤨
sound like my Ex (She is Malaysian), but I couldn't figure it out what was it all about and I had to break up with her. (I'm European, so probably there was a slight culture shock).
She rode the cc, didn’t care about the “nice guys”, went for the alphas thinking she could change them. Now she is saying she made mistakes, no they weren’t mistakes, you knew where you were going from the get go. Now she’s done riding the cc and ready to accept the nice guys, haha these women nowadays..
Jeez, 1) You're learning about relationships and human nature from soap operas and TV dramas? Why didn't your parents teach you this? Also, long term relationships are garbage. They are a time wasting parody of the real thing. 2) You're so right about working on self knowledge and self esteem. This is a life long process. 3) I'm so glad you are traditionally conservative and are a "one man woman" Best of luck for the future and good luck with the channel.
i don’t know if I agree that ‘the less feelings in relationships, the better’ haha, let just say ‘the less immature feelings in relationships, the better’.
I'm a 52 year old American who just married a 38 year old Vietnamese woman in Hanoi. I'm very impressed by your culture and have tried to tell my American friends but they don't understand. Western culture is very toxic in many ways and I was truly inspired by your country and the woman I married. Unfortunately I find myself being the same way you are. I have a tendency to assume the worst when things are going wrong but I think it's because I have so little trust in people. In America, 50% of marriages end in divorce and 80% of these are initiated by women.
I have been cheated on multiple times. It's VERY hard to trust.. but I know that I'll never have a good relationship with a woman unless I force myself to trust her. Doesn't make it any easier though.
Dear Confused Avocado,
I am an older gentleman and I have been married for 23 years to a lovely Vietnamese woman. We are still very much in love with each other. Please allow me yo give you a little advice or at least a few things to think about.
1) A long term relationship/marriage must be an equal proposition. What you bring to the table must make him happy and what he brings to the table must make you happy. Yes, you want to make him happy, but suppressing your desires to please him will make the relationship fail. He must also do everything in his power to please you.
2) You must know who you are and love yourself before you can give him the love that will last a lifetime.
3) Do not rush head first into a relationship. Study him for awhile. Are the things that attract him to you the kind of things that will result in a long term relationship? Just because he is funny, cute, popular, has a fancy car, etc. is no reason to fall in love. He must be a gentleman at all times, put you on a pedestal and put your needs and desires before his own as you should also do with him.
4) Be independent before you get too far into the relationship. Make him work to win your heart. This will allow both of you to have an equal relationship.
5) The most precious thing that a woman has is her body. She will insure the next generation. Unfortunately, in modern western societies, the young male does not value that. He wants to rob you of that for his own pleasure, then drop you like a hot potato.
Anyway I hope the advice will un-confuse you.
BTW, you are very cute and sweet. Make the boy work for his prize.
Thank you so much for your advice!! Your 2) advice hit home to me. And hopefully someday I’ll manage to un-confuse myself haha
@@confusedavocado5787 The advice from married people can be more misleading than those who are in the modern dating scene.
The first problem is not unique to Vietnamese women being needy. Male and female millennials have this strong need to text and be I love you. Being 56, I don't text much. I own a janitorial service. When I go to see how things are going at a location it really bothers me all this unneeded texting. I had a worker so insecure and his girlfriend was too, pulled the phone out of his hands and texted his girlfriend that he would be unable to text until his shift was over. That bothered both if them a lot. The next day he quit because my no texting policy was unfair.
I can't believe he quit his job because he cannot text while working!! 😨 Yeah I guess that's the problem of millenials in general. I used to be so anxious when my ex didn't text back after 2-3 hours. I really had no idea where this expectation come from. Now I'm glad that I'm no longer like that. It takes a lot of time for me to fix that crazy behaviour.
That's stupid. Throw away a job because he couldn't text his gf? He wilin. She's gonna end up leaving him for that. No one should be that needy.
I also have a cleaning business,I ask my employees no texting during work hours,unless it an emergency.still they sneak somewhere to text.unreal.
For texting frequency its always an individual preference. As a Singaporean guy who did a LDR before, its possible that your Singaporean ex was freaking out because on top of receiving less messages from you, he also had very little visibility on you. Singapore is a small city and everyone is always only an hour away, so we're not used to people "disappearing" on us.
It sounds like you have lived and learned a lot in just a few years. There is nothing to be ashamed about; everything takes time and practice. The world would be a happier place if people dropped most of their fears and expectations, and just let every relationship find its own level of intimacy and involvement. As a young person, you have more opportunities than you ever will again, so get out there, be honest and sincere, and just have fun! It doesn't need to be a gut-wrenching, ego-threatening experience.
Big hugs, and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Big hugs to you too
I went to Vietnam to find a wife. What a beautiful country, I've been there twice now and married an incredible Vietnamese woman.
That’s lovely to hear!
Honestly that's really weird for you to go to a foreign country to find a wife. Its sad how women from Asian countries have been fetishized by western guys.
It's more that women in the west are much more financially successful than in the past, so A LOT of men in the west these days don't meet the criteria these women look for. Lots of lonely guys with little chance as a result, so nothing wrong with them trying to find love abroad.
@Bartosz Piwowarczyk not quite. Women everywhere date for pragmatic reasons. It's also well established they date 'up' financially speaking - that's science, there are exceptions but it's irrefutable overall. In the west, many women have risen and displaced many men in the upper echelons of earnings. As such, from westerm women perspective there is a big shortage of 'qualified' suitors. So lots of men who are not considered for relationships. In the East, the men = breadwinner culture is still prevalent, so the volume of men qualify for relationship potential is larger than in the west.
classic low status males trying to understand why woman from their society don't find then attractive....yet females from developing countries do....its not rocket science fellas.
That was very honest of you. I like your attitude, rather have sex in a marriage than casual. Some day you will be blessed with a husband who will love you whole-heartedly.
Thank you for the video. When I have a special lady and I feel needed it makes me more motivated to work hard for her. When she text me or call I’m jumping inside 🎉🎉🎉. Thanks again.
The Vietnamese women I have met at work in STEM, and otherwise like my Vietnamese neighbors, are super nice people, usually super smart and also usually very attractive. Polite and hard workers. I find it a pleasure to be around them. You are putting alot of thought into issues in your life and that's good esp when it comes to relationships. One big mistake many people make is getting married and having children too young, before they figure out what they want in life and what life wants out of them.
I (63m) thought so too when I was 20-30 but a mature woman reminded me "that Biological Clock is ticking!" Now my daughter (dual race) and, yeah, 30's are stressful: career taking off, plus early in marriage, plus kids (or planning for kids). Need help. I gotta retire soon and help her out.
Young Lady ,your at a good place, congrats.your self care comes first and everything in life takes balance and boundaries.
I don't want to go in-depth in a youtube comment, but as someone who dates a Vietnamese woman I would ask yourself whether all of things are true mistakes. Number 1 and 3 seem to be very questionable. For 1, I think anyone should expect attention from their partner and texting is a form of expression of that attention. If the person cannot text you a few times a day, I question whether they are so invested in you in the first place. It's not unhealthy to expect a small consideration a few times a day. There may be exceptions but I cannot think of barring not having service or your phone, why you cannot text at least good morning, how was your day, and good night.
On number 3, there is a lot of confusion there between moral value and preference. It's not simply that you like pineapples on your pizza and the other person does, it has to do with core values and principles. I could date someone who likes ketchup on their pizza, but if they are sleeping with several people I could not. To me that is not someone who is worthy of my attention or attraction for that matter. The distinction between casual dating and serious dating can be important but I think the Vietnamese have it right here. Sure it might be fun to hang out with someone for a while but there should be a clear limit for how close you are with them. Personally I find it childish to date 'casually' maybe acceptable when you are like 18-20 but after that it seems like such a waste of time. Similar to your second point, I do not need a relationship to make me happy, so why do I need someone to chill with romantically? I have plenty of friends and I have no romantic expectations out of them so it's much less pressure and much less risk of heartbreak.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I think my mistakes here are that I was too rigid with my expectations without examining whether they make sense. Mistake #1, I also think asking for attentions is nothing wrong. But I was super clingy back then believe me 🤣 And it came from my lack of trust and not anything that’s healthy. Mistake #3, I agree with you there. I’m a bit conservative so I don’t see myself engaging casual dating. However, from my experience, it’s also not fair to judge someone who looks for long term relationships by starting out with casual dating. I think it’s fine as long as they communicate it. In Vn, we start out by immediately being serious bf/gf but it doesn’t mean people actually know if the other person is what they want in long term. For me, I didn’t really know what I was doing, what I wanted or what to look for . People from different cultures tend to consider ‘what makes sense’ differently in terms of how a relationship should progress. So I want to keep an open mind.
There is a huge difference between clingy, which is good.. and unstable, which is not good. Your partner should want to be with you, or at least interacting with you, on a regular, semi-constant basis. However, it needs to be tempered with reason.
I think your bangs are adorable. Keep them always. 😊
i totally agree with you as i experienced the same.. i think it is pretty much common for asians.
So glad I’m not alone. I learned it the hard way 🥲
It doesn't help that no one teaches us growing up about dating and relationships. All our parents did was scream "STUDY HARD AND BECOME A DOCTOR" and that's pretty much it. We're not taught how things work, how to manage emotions, and how to handle relationships and dating. Most people grow up getting those ideas from Hollywood, dramas, music, and movies. In a way we were set up to fail in those areas.
Your English is Soooo Uhhh-May-Zing.
Facts !!!
COLD HARD FACTS
Keep up the Gr8 Work.
Thx 4 the Post.
Honestly, you’ll find a lot of ppl in western culture doing whatever until it’s time to get married. So the whole casual dating or hooking up thing can be common but not everyone thinks this way. And I find that many people are really confused as to what they really want. They go back n forth with, I want a relationship but I don’t want the problems of a relationship. I like you but I don’t know if I’m ready. Or the I just want to meet as many ppl as possible while I can types. I think this comes from people having unresolved issues from past relationships. Also toxic work/hustle culture takes away from forming intimate relationships. Millions of people in the US report loneliness. And millions of young ppl are not even having sex here. No one with a brain can even think about marriage/kids because of how expensive it is. I think for the most part there’s the whole “what’s the point”. I know a lot of ppl who want to meet ppl and form closeness but time/money/Trauma gets in the way.
A marriage without the maintenance of traditional gender roles will likely fail sooner rather than later. And in a society where men and women have the same opportunities for financial gain, gender roles cease to exist. So, basically, staying married for life is becoming a thing of the past. The institution of marriage needs to be reinvented to fit a world in which women have become empowered to compete with men in the work place. Marriage used to be about survival; now, it's about whether or not I like my partner,
Man shut up
Don t think too much. Men like different types of women. Not one size fits all. You ll find ur own just be patient
Tip #1 Blame it on Korean Drama? Hahaha 🤣🤣🤣
Your English is exceptional, you should put your self first and figure out what you want. Forget about a boyfriend and love yourself therefore the next MAN you meet, you will know if he really loves you. Or you can wait for me to come to Vietnam.
I had a Vietnamese girlfriend she could not be emotionally connected but asked to text constantly
I could not understand her quiet but needy demeanor
I used to be that girl and I've learned the lesson. It's very hard to get out of that mindset unless she could see examples of healthier, more secure and more mature kinds of relationship, not those portraited in rom-coms and novels.
I have noticed that with in the Vietnamese culture females haven’t had any education nor training in how to be a wife and have a relationship with males and that is the reason why so many single mothers now days in Vietnam. There for most young Vietnamese females sadly as a developing nations is picking up fantasy and unrealistic expectations from Korean drama. I am glad that this young lady is maturing and by knowing the world outside Vietnam is becoming a great woman. 🧘🏻♀️🧘🏻♀️🤨
Truth about people
sound like my Ex (She is Malaysian), but I couldn't figure it out what was it all about and I had to break up with her. (I'm European, so probably there was a slight culture shock).
So so interesting.
She rode the cc, didn’t care about the “nice guys”, went for the alphas thinking she could change them. Now she is saying she made mistakes, no they weren’t mistakes, you knew where you were going from the get go. Now she’s done riding the cc and ready to accept the nice guys, haha these women nowadays..
Jeez, 1) You're learning about relationships and human nature from soap operas and TV dramas? Why didn't your parents teach you this? Also, long term relationships are garbage. They are a time wasting parody of the real thing.
2) You're so right about working on self knowledge and self esteem. This is a life long process.
3) I'm so glad you are traditionally conservative and are a "one man woman"
Best of luck for the future and good luck with the channel.
Problem: If a guy dates another girl and is NOT in a relationship...it's NOT called "cheating".
cool you studied in singapore? im from singapore haha. what did you study and which uni? :) love your vids btw!
TV has ruined reality for women
Beautiful
How old are you now?
She is 28
she bangs too many white losers....stop digging in white trash land and date your own kind
The guy wanted only sex. What made your 1st boyfriend attractive?
Cool you start to be pragmatic. The less feelings in relationships, the better. My credo. Use brain to be happy.
i don’t know if I agree that ‘the less feelings in relationships, the better’ haha, let just say ‘the less immature feelings in relationships, the better’.
WOW 😁 WHAT AN STORY