20 Year Marriage Tips: Outgrowing Your Partner, Patience, Ego, Change (Requested)
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- Опубліковано 24 тра 2021
- #maritaladvice #relationshipadvice #selflove
Marriage tips and advice for better communication, change, growth and patience.
xoxo,
Rachelle
Necklace: jennybird.refr.cc/rachelle ($15 off purchase)
**20 Year Marriage Part 1: • Marriage Tips 20 Years...
**Parenting Tips Video: • Parenting Tips: My Per...
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Here's Part 1 of this video if you missed it! ua-cam.com/video/wN7Ckgg4I8s/v-deo.html
Hello Rachelle, did you have any of your children before marriage? How did you pacify fears of possibility being a single parent (if you had any)? I’m ready to have a child but my partner wants to start before marriage. I’m worried that that is how most people end up being single parents.
@@danisimz135 I would say, do not be afraid. If you say you are ready for the child, be ready for the sake of your children..., not the man. Child and marriage are two very different things. Be confident in whatever decision you take and if you both can talk to each other in a mature way about that, you will be fine. Some people are married with kids and later still end up single moms.
@@susuilu thank you. I think I’ll say no because he is giving me ultimatums, that doesn’t sound healthy.
@@danisimz135 oh my goodness NOOOOOO! 🤭😱 what kind of man would want to start a family without committing to his child’s mother and preparing to PROVIDE? Ugh. He sounds like someone who just wants to take you off the market; have you as an option. Please don’t do this to yourself. Granted, marriage isn’t a guarantee that you will not end up as a single parent, but good grief at least start out on solid footing. Shame on him for trynna run this dusty game on you! Please go view Christelyn Karazan (Pink Pill) on UA-cam.
@@danisimz135 Right!!! it's not healthy and you made the right decision. Wait on the Lord and be of good carriage, God will give you the desires of your heart ❤. Be blessed and be safe 🙏😊.
What I've learned in 15 yrs of marriage and what I tell engaged people is, whatever ideas you have about marriage throw it away. A lot of times our ideas about marriage are that of a fairytale or its over romanticized.
agree.
Absolutely Sis Nothing About lt ls Like An "Fairy Tale, TV Or What WE Think lt's Going To Be."
And please stop looking at these make believe stories on TV. #20+yrsin
Yes, exactly!
LISTEN!!!! This ego situation with men is real! I noticed that if I just stop and say "thank you baby for how hard you work for our family, I really appreciate you" our WHOLE day changes! He gets a pep in his step! Listen up ladies! She's dropping gems!!!!
☝💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯🤚
So true. Just bringing him a cold bottle of water and saying thank you, he will move mountains. Men are simple creatures
Yes!!!🙌🏾🙌🏾😘
I did that to my husband yesterday and didn’t even want anything.
As a single person in her late 20s: Part 3,4 & 5 please. Love this!
18 years in and I'm just realizing stroking the ego is the path of least resistance!
Same, sis!!! Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner???
My Ego stroking game was owing reality ooo. It was in the negative. Totally unreal. Lol!
But by the grace of God I'm learning humility. Never receiving praise as a child is disastrous!
Absolutely....it's how they are wired. You stroke that ego they will be your real life superman!
22 years in 💜💜🎼🎤🎼 He’s got a Big Ego 🎼🎼 Such a huge ego 🎼
Yall please dont look at these Instagram relationships and think it's all peaches & cream. Sometimes love changes. People change.
Not even married, but she’s so wise
Thank you!
@experience yes she’s married. The commenter is not.
@@KeishaCharmaine 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣l Tell You lt's So Crazy People Only Hear What They Want To Hear. She Said "How Many Times That SHE Was Married & What Works ln HER Marriage "????
Great advice. I’m on my second marriage. 18 years in and we are still learning, but in it for life. Biggest lesson learned was to learn how to talk to my husband. The way I approached him was the way he responded to me. Thank you for coming back. 💚
Marriage is for mature people. It takes a lot of humility and mutual respect says a woman who has been married 20 years. And, there are some adjustments that have to be made for sure. Don't do it if you're unwilling to grow. I didn't know this in the beginning AND I wasn't ready when I first got married. But, I'm grateful that I had the willingness to make changes and so did he.
I have to say this. Your talks are always just on time for me. I remember a video you did YEARS ago about “playing the game” at work. It really gave me some perspective on some challenges I was having at the time. And now I’m engaged, getting married next year. These videos are really encouraging. Thanks for sharing your truths.
I loved that work video. I was so hoping that she’d do a follow-up to that because it is so relevant.
My husband and I agree that when you marry, you choose to be with someone forever, because people are naturally 'wired' to be attracted to various people...in essence not with one person their entire life. Marriage/monogamy is a choice we make.
Also we all change as we grow and are exposed to various experiences. We have to be conscious of that. Most men respond/need ego finessing 😒 Great topic and you are not alone...16yrs and counting 😂
I love your earrings!!! They're perfect!!💖
Hey beautiful!! I'm the same way a loner and Im put here for the same reason. I'm here to help and then they leave. I use to be mad because I don't have a lot of friends but now in my 50's gurl, I feel exactly like you. I'm all I need. lol.. Marriage is lots of work but so worth it to me.
I love that you’re talking real, grown folks talk! You know what you’re talking about! Women carry the wisdom and know how to maneuver! Listen to her y’all!
I found you 10 years ago and always thought of you as auntie in my head 🥰 love your talks
You spoke to me today. 10 years in, married young at 20. We are actually, at 30, actually finding ourselves. For me, it's like getting to know an entirely different person. It's scary, not in a bad way, just new. And I have a hard time ego stroking. I have seen though, firsthand, that there is some value to it. Keep this up. I'd like to hear you speak more on family life, marriage, kids, fibances, finding yourself. enjoyed the first vid too.
I love marriage. Celebrating 33 years for me and my hubby!!!! So glad I found my soulmate.
I think your message was right on point… marriage is give and take. It can be so beautiful. Compromising will be needed on both sides. Respect for each other is huge! Caring… kindness… go a long way.
I've been with my boyfriend going on 3 years now and that male ego is something SERIOUS. On both the positive and negative sides lol
Oh how I love to listen to you! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
You know my gramma once told me a story about being patient with my grampa..she said she spent a good amount of time cleaning the floors one morning and here he comes in with his big ol boots tracking dirt everywhere..my mama asked her why she dint get upset with him when his big ol boots bring in all that dirt and gramma said “those big ol boots sure do bring in a lot of dirt but it’s more important that “they bring him in!”
New subbie 🙋🏾♀️. God sent this video to me 🙌🏾. Trying to come up, wrote 3 books, working on 3 others along with a podcast and blog. Married for 21 years, hubby is kind of bi-polar - supportive but at times he hating 🤷🏾♀️. Thanks for the advice 🤩👍🏾
Omg second video. I played the first over n over. Even played for my married clients. Grabs tea. Marriage is a whole university
3 universities.
@@soriyazz 1m sis.
Great conversation Rochelle. Relationships require compromise. If you want a marriage that works you got to put in work. People think marriage is easy… and sometimes it is, but it can be hard as well. But it is worth it if you are with someone who adds value to your life and you do the same for them. And we are forever evolving so you gonna be forever learning something new about your partner as well as yourself.
Again another great video ✨, I watched and commented on your previous marriage video...
A ‘rule of thumb’ I tend to go by within my marriage is ~ “treat your husband/partner how you yourself want to be treated” 💯...I know it might sound cheesey 🧀 🤓, but it has served me well within the 21 years of my marriage (22 in October 😉☺️)...I really try to stop and think about how I might feel if an issue were reversed, particularly during challenging times...this has helped me develop my patience over the years and coupling this rule along with ~ “respecting each other’s individuality” has really helped...AND when you are the two people within a loving relationship, you recognize how rare and special your bond is and you BOTH work to protect it💯...#FACTS I live this everyday and feel blessed #RealTalk✨...#GoodConvo looking forward to the next video!
I’m glad that you made a 2nd video about this. You are correct. I was married for 11 years & I out grew the marriage. He wasn’t willing to grow with me. At one point we stopped talking because we didn’t have anything to talk about together. There were things & lessons I learned. I was 20 when I got married. He was 25 at the time. After we had our son, I grew up. He stayed, the same, & didn’t want learn, grow, etc.... Fast forward many years later, many of my friends and associates are married. My real friends are transparent about marriage. They have been married 30, 40 plus years & they have shared the same details you just said. The associates in my life , only shares the good stuff on Social media & want people to think their marriage is perfect & they try & make single women feel bad & they have one up on them, because they are married & not single. Thanks so much for sharing & keeping it real.👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾💕💕💕💕
I had to do this today with my husband! I went in direct and really had to do a lot of clean up. Phew! 7 years in and I'm still learning!
Thank you! You may not be a counselor, but you have 20 years worth of practice. I’ll take that.
Love this!!!🥰🥰🥰 yes self love & care is sooooo very important! I have been married for 10 years now & you are absolutely correct! Marriage is the best teacher of humility!!🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 And yes you have to learn to build your man up & not tear him down. Many women can be so bad at this with just trying to “change” what you see wrong. Show him grace & play that role honey! 😂😂😂 I stroke my husband’s ego all the time because at the end of the day, it gets me what I want easier & faster! Wives have to learn to pick their battles. I have loved both these videos & you said all this very well!! I believe marriage is a choice & an absolutely beautiful thing! I’m ready for my 20, 30, 50, & forever years to come!🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🥰🥰🥰 Thank you 😊 You are not alone or crazy & your marriage is so normal & I’m glad you made this video for the whole marriage club!😂😂😂
I found your channel FOREVER ago...like 10yrs...and you always give me that "favorite big cousin" vibe 😂 I am so glad you are back on YT🥰. LOVE your realness. Advice well received!
It’s so good to see you back. I love your content. As a wife of 12 years I agree with your tips from both videos. You were so right to be able to tone it down yet not lose yourself and yesss be you not doing things just to keep a man. He married you because he loves how you are, trying to keep him is how you lose yourself which is way more important than losing him. My husband likes my spicy attitude since we met but at times he felt disrespected. I understood that and remained myself but made sure to not be disrespectful. You have to be mature and understand the other person’s perspective and not feel rejected. Self love is so important, you are the only one you are truly with every moment of your life. Thank you for helping me with my perspective of helping people who come and go. You gave some 💎s.
This video just popped up on me and Thank God it did because I just realized how hard I have been on my husband. I mean I have been really loud when correcting him knowing how much he hates it cause it is very disrespectful. So I am a changed person now .
Hey Borderhammer, I love your videos and sent the last one about marriage to everyone I know. I’ve been married 14 years and everything you said was on point. Btw I met you a few years back at the DMV. You were with your daughter and you both were so sweet and beautiful in person. God bless.
Seee... I reeeally like that you always knew your role as a helper in this life -which leads to being a loner.
I’m JUST starting to accept my role as a helper. I used to be so so sad because I would put energy into people and once they were healed or helped, the friendship/associationship would end.
Now when a person comes into my life, I see it from an onlookers pov.
Truthfully, many of these people aren’t really the type of people I would want to even rub off on me. I was just hurt by their departure because I wanted friendship/camaraderie.
Now that I’m older and have experienced this many times, I reserve my energy and friendship for a select few... and this is normally through paid coaching.
I no longer feel used. I now feel valued.
Thank you for this content. Right on time for my life. Married 10 years, blended family where children range from 20 to 5 , and I feel like I am about to lose it. It’s refreshing to get a authentic perspective of what marriage can look like after 20+ years of personal changes and raising children. You are shown me there is life at the end of this tunnel and how self love and care are sooooooo important. Thank you 🙏
I really appreciate these videos. It’s about time that someone tells the truth about marriage (good, bad, or indifferent). I’m not married yet but I think it’s important for us to understand that it isn’t a fairytale and forever is a long time lol.
You look sooooo young!
As someone rounding her sixth year of marriage and starting to feel the 7 year itch around the corner, chile......this is so true. So very, very true. A marriage takes a lot of work, people change (but you have to work to grow together), and if you are in a hetero relationship, you have to understand that men have huge egos that get fragile as they age and their testosterone declines. The boy you married isn't going to be the man you are married to.
Absolutely! Not much is said about that.
Yes, you are so right!! stroking their ego works.. like for real!! I love this video. I value my marriage and in it for the long haul!! Thanks for sharing. 12 years and counting girl!! 😘❤️Thanks for sharing!!
Thanks for this video too! Great series. Loving that necklace too! 😍
Yesss!! Loving the raw and unfiltered energy! Sending love.
Thank you for the advice... your thoughts and words are in point! ❤️❤️
Great stuff!! I will add: know yourself well enough to gravitate toward spaces, platonic or romantic, that allow you to be your most authentic self. Don’t let other people’s process to hinder your own. Loving people will love your before, during, and after whatever you’re going through. Surround yourself with people like that and you’ll never go wrong!
Well said!
From one spirit to another, thank you for sharing your truth with us single ladies. I’m grateful that people are being more honest about the struggles and delights of marriage. I believe more people will go into these unions with more realistic expectations. Thank you sis
I agree. I feel like that should be the goal
I needed this. Thank you! I love how you get to the point and your advice is sound. Married 14yrs and you just put a mirror to my face.
Thank you for your honesty! It definitely helped 😃❣️❣️❣️
I’m loving this, missed your beautiful spirit! We’re making 16 yrs married this year, God’s willing. It’s been up and down but good overall, we do need to talk and this helps so much, we all go through these stages. True words of advice and I love you for it! Stay the bright star that you are sugar 🤩
Excited to see you back...I think a lot of BW are finding BM believe they are just entitled to us being ‘servants’ to them as if we’re a *means to their ends and not an end in and of ourselves* and that’s where there’s a problem.
BM want 150% from women (and in particular BW) and only seem to want to give 10% as is seen on a lot of these popular men focused channels. And the key part to the relationship is *relation/relatw* the willingness to understand where someone else is coming from which doesn’t seem to be what a lot of people (and in particular BM who frequent those channels) want to do.
Thank you for sharing your experience. God bless!
I'm glad you're back. Thanks for doing these videos. Love your neckless as well, do give the info :)
Great video Rachelle! Marriage is indeed work.. like anything worth having and fighting for, you need to do the work.
Thank you so much for making these videos❤️
Thank you for sharing and Encouraging 🙏🏽
This is perfect timing. And the first part was amazing especially the idea of marriage not being even. That's a concept I struggle with because I'm thinking of partnership as 50/50. But I'm learning my role is not his and he will have to do things that I shouldn't. But the man has his own role to play and I have to let him do it, put the ego aside and make sure the driver of our car has what he needs to get us to our destination safely because I chose to trust him.
So true! I’ve been married for 2 years and this speaks volume to me. Thank you🙌🏾
Marriage is 100-100%. 50-50 is the reason courts are full because any day someone defaults to 20 then you're doing 20 too and satan takes the 60%.....
But when you go in with the idea that you're here to give 100% irrespective then you realize you need God because he's doing 90% and you're doing 10% in obedience.
@@ngreat4390 wow! So powerful and true
You always come with the content when I need you the most--I don't know how you do it, but I haven't even watched the video and it's already speaking to me.
Loving the new content! 🔥🔥
Enjoyed this so much!!! Spot on
That was me that asked why I needed to tone it down.... And I understand.... I am really considering that as well.... I just.... Thank you, Love!!!! You are the Truth!!!
Thank you for sharing! Please continue to share much love
These are amazing please keep them coming!
Omg you're back!!! So nice to see you making videos again!😃👍🏽
Ooo baby! 12 years married and this hits!
Sis keep these coming. I haven’t even watched yet but watched previous so I know it’s going to be good
I’m here for this! BorderHammer Unfiltered!
Listening to you in this video is like listening to myself. You are telling my story. I've know my husband for 32yrs and married going on 27yrs. He is 9 yrs older than I am. I didn't understand what a male ego was, but I definitely learned over time. Also, I am the most impatient person I know. It caused me to be quick with the tongue, harsh, and abrasive. I learned the hard way that a man has feelings too. And the reality is that a woman can build a man up, or she can tear him down. When you break a persons spirit, you have done severe damage.
Not that he is not without fault, but we must learn to see ourselves and be willing to make the necessary changes. We both did that over time, through many disagreements, tears, and prayers. More than anything else, it's about being honest with yourself, about yourself.
Learning that it's not always what you say, but how you say it. Not what you do but how you do it. After almost 27 yrs of marriage, I could probably do a whole seminar on the subject myself. But I'm not a UA-camr. My relationship with my husband it now better than it's ever been. There is mutual love, respect, and concern. I don't get it right all the time, but I am more aware and everyday I continue to work on me.
Thank you for sharing.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyy girl where are u? I miss your videos 😢. You always give some good 👍🏽 advice and I love ❤️ your videos because u are so real. Can’t wait to see your next video hopefully 🙏🏽 SOON!!!!!! Love 💕 u BorderHammer.
I needed this video so much. Thank you
You're a lil' angel, helping people to get out of situations. Angels don't stay forever 👼🏾😇
Yes give us the real and raw!!! Love it!!!
Thank you for giving us sanity and truth and wisdom (for free) in this crazy calamitous world 🙌
I really just love your personality. You truly have a beautiful soul!
Ok so now I’m binge watching. Queen we need you. Thank you
As a married woman, I can confirm that everything single thing she said in this video was true.
Thank you for the information.
Videos like this are much appreciated! I got married 2 months ago and will take all the advice I can take. :)
Me too so I'm taking notes...I love her💜
Sound words, very wise indeed and practical.
Great conversation. Loving the tips.
Thank you, anytime :)
This was great!! I much needed grown women conversation.
I love transparency!!!
It’s easy to get married, hard to stay married. It takes lots of communication, respect and forgiveness. I know that you can outgrow a marriage but what happens when you stop loving each other 👀a loveless marriage?
@experience . Sometimes one person is making changes and progressive. And the other does not want to change and be better. People can change and sometimes not for the better. One can be using the other. And you can't keep doing and giving. Each person must receive as well
As humans we have the limit of how far we can ho with anything. One person's limit might be farther than another's but at the end of the day it will bd reached.
Anyway, so if the marriage is loveless then it means you've reached the end of yourself and it's time to hire a helper to help y'all cross the finish line.
That helper is THE HOLY SPIRIT.
He's the Spirit of power, love and wisdom.
When he steps into your marriage he'll help you guys by helping you work on yourself first and as you embody that love of God, your spouse will start to get attracted to you again and before you know it your marriage is restored.
A loveless marriage is one in which the other party has stop living out your idealized version of what love and marriage is, and you just cannot cope with their new version...
So it's not their duty to change but yours. Change starts with you!
@@ngreat4390 God bless you for your reply! ❤️
You are correct on soooo many levels.
More of these, pls! Is there a video on how you all met? I’m new to this channel and loving what I see so far ❤️
I completely agree with you on everything
I can appreciate your response to the woman that does not want to dum down herself to be in a relation. You explanation was perfect-to shave around the edges to make sure that the pieces fit together more easily. I also want to include the fact that Life is a journey. We are always making adjustments to ourselves, our work, and or how we deal with others to get a desired result. Think about the desired result you want in your relationship and what your contribution limits are. If you are not getting the results you want, thats another conversation. However, I wanted to let you know that I've done this and I'm getting results; especially, since I have been evolving into another person since the kids have gone.
Girl we NEED the skin care routine NEED! ITS ESSENTIAL @. This point
So much great insight. I'm realizing that we are each on our own journeys in this life and sometimes others join us on that journey, like the kids who make their way here through us or the partners who choose to walk with us, but we don't own them or their journeys, neither our kids, friends or partners and so we should leave room for them to expand, shrink stretch, run, leave, do whatever it is their own journeys call them to and sometimes that can be painful but the key is to just flow. Like you said from jump, loving yourself is the key. Shedding all the Disney type love ideals we've been conditioned to believe since childhood is key, but life and experience tries to teach us all that, sometimes we just aren't receptive and it will keep trying to teach till we learn the lesson. Love these talks.
Great topic.
I hear you on people randomly or easily opening up to you and the guidance working. Or during the exchange, they connect some dots for themselves. It's not such a crazy concept, I think we all are better at giving advice than receiving it 🥴🥴 loll I say that it feels like the reason I'm here but I'm no therapist. I just like to listen. Nov Scorpios don't judge your demons. We analyze our own so often, we got you lol 👌🏿
appreciate your insight and for always keeping’ it real 🖤
Yess... I love the advice. You keep motivating me thank you. Im single and dating sucks these days lol. By the way I bought Byredo Blanche and Delina Exclusif... Love them !!!!
I used to follow u on my old UA-cam page girl u are a true OG
You hit it on the nail. My husband and I faced challenges this year and we had to work on us as individuals to come together as a couple. You both have to want it to work and be able to make the necessary changes for the good the marriage. You spoke it in this video! 😊💛👍🏾
Love this! My sister has been married to her husband for 35 years and she said the key is realizing that no one is perfect and you are going to disappoint each other...I was married for only 3 years, so some of what you are saying applies to me and my mindset.
Your daughters are blessed. Hopefully they’re listening to all the tea 😉👏🏾
@ 18:56 where is your show!! ok 👏🏾👏🏾 welcome back! More of this... been rocking with you for years thanks again for keeping it 💯 as always 🙏🏾
I loved the steak & the fish analogy. This video & the first one was very informative thank you.
Love this video ... I’ve been married almost 14 years and I can definitely relate to some of your points ... what camera are you using in this video ... are you still using the Cannon T5i?
Great to see you, great video
Great video 👍😊
Your content is amazing and very accurate. I've/we've been going through a rough patch as of late so I'm really not in the cheerleader mode right now. However, prior to this period I would definitely echo everything you've stated. For the record we are 21 yrs in (married).
"I am going to say whatever the f--k I want to say!" ...... love it
Love these videos.
Have your lawyers call my lawyers. My Power of Attorney are The Cochran Firm.