@@shawngrissom1141 I started working in the schools, I work through my pain everyday, the end of the day is the worst, but I know I need to leave, hoping I can earn enough in the next year or two. If I leave now I will end up stuck wherever I end up, so I want to be sure, where I am stuck at, is where ai want to be. Just an acre or two of land, hopefully with a water source and electric, but hey, I can live without that stuff.
what if he says "I'm trying"? but, he still sucks? then, it becomes a defense, and again, it's my fault. "well, I'm trying!" it's like if he says he is trying, I can't complain.
So true. I had to employe a 3rd person to act as a trainer, mediator and translator. She was able to translate my wife’s language into words I could understand. Then after the joint session another session to help me with my stuck places. It was hell. My emotional filters were twisting every emotional message my wife tried to deliver. No matter how careful she was all I heard was an attack and that I’m not enough. My filters twisted everything to line up with my core beliefs. I could not hear her heart. In session she might say the sky is blue, I would argue fiercely that she said the sky is green. Therapist would confirm, “Keith, she said blue”. That was a real eye opener to see how corrupted my operating system was. Took years to dig out of that mess. I had the emotional maturity of a 3 to 5 year old. All in an adult body.
Im so proud of your self reflection here!! It takes a strong man to admit where he was wrong in the past. But I also have a tremendous amount of compassion for you. I bet you came from a family where there was some inconsistent love or some neglect wasn’t there? They didn’t model what healthy emotional connection looked like did they? And that’s heartbreaking too
Thank you. My parents modeled how to destroy children and relationships in general. I was moms golden child and the enforcer of her will and rules within her family and ultimately my own family. She is a dedicated determined destroyer and she used me to wreck havoc everywhere. It was ugly. Freedom took 15 years. Most of it coming in the last 2 1/2. In the end it took an IFS specialist who was recovering from her own severe childhood abuse to lead me out and then back to myself to do the parts of my healing that only I could do. IFS turned out to be far more effective than EMDR. Although I think EMDR was necessary for me to reach a point where I could stay in the room with her. Without the healing all of the marriage tools and techniques I had learned were nothing more than temporary coping skills which took the manipulation to the next level. (I was SO bad) 😁 Anyway, enjoying your content. We need more men like you.
The worse when the person, man or woman see you getting upset and they walk away. The resentment grows so much that we don’t even feel like having any contact. If your woman isn’t touching you, she has resentment built up.
Please take into account the person may be walking away bc they know if they stay in the room they may something in the heat of anger that they can't take back.
Women feel they are allowed to be resentful, whereas men cannot. My wife can have resentment against me for something she failed to communicate years ago. But if I hold anything she directly did to hurt me against her, I'm a narcissistic abuser who just uses her as a punching bag.
Why do you keep things in her heart? Women only want you to listen to her,when my husband is rude I avoid him,because I dont waste my energy with a person who is not respecting me..Because I respect and love my self more that I love him,you may call it selfish but thats important to survive,if someone is blind enough to see and realize the importance of relationship then they are not worth anything from you@@smokingcrab2290
@smokingcrab2290 It is not good for either of you to hold resentment and hold it against each other. I resent my husb for things he has done. I have tried talking to him about it, but he gets defensive. I try not to use it against him, but I may do it unconsciously. There is a lot of pain I need to heal from. I don't expect him to heal my pain. That's for me to do.
Minute 4:20 “The mature person asks…Why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me?” Minute 5:40 “Are you comfortable staying in a relationship where someone doesn’t care to meet your legitimate needs?” This entire video is spot on.
My wife stonewalls me and claims I'm neglecting her needs.. while blaming me for all of her resentment.. while expecting me to deny all of her hurts she's made against me.. While holding complete double standards.. While mentally and emotionally abusing me.. While claiming I'm the one doing it all to her.. On top of claiming that I'm the worst man shes ever been with.. Even though she's a stay at home mom of only one child and wants for nothing, gets everything she wants, and gave the best of herself to men who cheated on her.
In our relationship , 1. I tell him my needs 2. He feels attacked 3. He invalidates me 4. I shutdown and tell him this isn’t working/please leave 5. He comes back hours later trying to meet my needs/promising to go to counseling 6. We are great for 6-8 weeks 7. Repeat cycle
This is normally due to unhealed trauma. Counseling helped me to process through that stuff so I could actually have safe conversations about my wife’s needs without feeling attacked
I remember when I told my husband it hurts me that he is maintaining a friendship with the woman he cheated on me with and he reacted by walking away from me with a shoulder shrug. This was at a time we were suppose to be working on our marriage after he had the affair. This reaction was the beginning of the end.
Same thing happened to me. Wish I had ended it then. His excuse was her husband was a drunk and she needed a friend... Fast forward 25 years. My husband's the drunk. 🤔🤔
After 20 year's of trying to express this to my husband he finally understands. You helped us break emotional walls we both built. I never blamed him in 20 year's. We always had the love but now we have the ability to communicate. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. ❤
I had this discussion with him yesterday. I asked him to please focus on my feelings with compassion (since he actually did something big to hurt me, little things don’t need addressing), instead on focusing on HIS feelings of his wrongdoing and guilt. His face changed and softened. I was almost in shock! I was so proud of him for this, and will continue to tell him how proud of him I am of all the great things he does. I used to emasculate without even knowing, and prayed (pray) that God shows me when I do. Always easier to point fingers, and while he’s the bigger problem, I can change for the better to be a more supportive wife without being a doormat.
I’ve been struggling with this exact thing for a long time. My wife will try to communicate her feelings and needs to me and all I hear and is jabs. It’s painful to be trying so hard to mend our relationship and every time we talk about something we get nowhere because I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I started in therapy and have been watching your videos trying desperately to find my way and break through this major barrier in our marriage.
You don’t want to hear this: You don’t have a marriage if you have to hide that you’re watching videos. I feel like maybe you all deserve much more. I’m sorry that you’re all in that situation.
The saddest part is that you allow your life to be this way. You believe that you are worthless and this is the best you can do. That is heart breaking. Get gone.
As a person in that exact pursuer/avoided relationship, I used the communication techniques (when this happens, I feel xyz), but my partner still feels attacked, deflects, or continues to avoid. I am starting to also avoid. I can see that this relationship is unhealthy and and I am on a path of self-healing and focusing on myself.
Yes I find with avoidants it’s near impossible. Luckily only dating so I moved on from it. It’s not healthy and I was walking on eggshells just to ask to see them more and get more calls
I just landed my not so dreamy dream job, doing what I love...the chaos and resentment from not being able to communicate, not being heard valued or protected...had me in such a tizzy that I couldn't go in to work. I can't ever forget that. I was so happy and vibrant and independent before him, I wanna go back to that. This feels like real covert narcissism and emotional/mental abuse
@@shawngrissom1141I feel like I'm reading my own writing when reading your comments. I resonate with what you've shared 100% It's been just over 3yrs of marriage and already it feels like it's cost my soul. I am a shell of who I used to be having given far far beyond what I could give. No one should be alone in a marriage. I feel like I've been waiting for my husband to show up in mine since our vows. I have to realise now that he made vows he couldn't keep. No one in my life knows about what I'm going through. At least there's someone here I can relate to although I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through this ever.
My ex he puts more value on his grown adult children and his imaginary friends and not on me. In the beginning of our romance it was a whirlwind of love. But a few years passed and he started talking me for granted. He thought that I would put up with his selfishness. Of course he puts all the blame on me. I told him that it takes two people to make or break a marriage. I am his fourth wife. His other wives have noticed the same things that I have. He is selfish and does not care women’s needs.
I just made the comment of how parasitic parent-child relationship seem to be,😅. But I'm coming at it from a single parent of a now 8 year old, 😂. It's very interesting trying to use gentle parenting which uses a lot of adult relationship concepts... But when your kids really young... It's actually not that unhealthy for the child to have some narcissistic tendencies.
I’ve worked through the truth of this. I lived in victim mode for many years, but finally took accountability for my co dependency, developed a voice and started to ask clear, difficult questions in a vulnerable way. The answers hurt like hell, but having the truth I had experienced for so long finally out in the open was freeing. I finally stopped trying to change him and accepted the death of our marriage. I asked for him to join me in rebuilding it but he was unwilling. I had the answers I needed to lay it down and walk away. I’m still working on my codependency and anxious attachment style and will continue to take accountability and improve. That’s my job and sure, I’m anxious about how my next relationship will go… but I’m finally healed enough to be grateful for my growth.
Thank you for helping me realize this relationship is going anywhere. A lot has happened over a decade of fighting but today was an eye opener. I had a diagnostic mammogram, an ultrasound, and scheduled a biopsy. I took a Lyft to and from the radiology place cause he didn’t want to be bothered. When I came back, he didn’t ask how it went or how I felt. I even texted while at the doctor’s office to let them know they might have to do an ultrasound. Nothing. No replies In text or in person while checking out of the hotel or the drive home. Know your worth. I deserve more.
Yes, you do. You deserve to be seen, to feel cherished and particularly supported. I see you in a new relationship with someone who truly cherishes you. I am so glad you see it to and that, like Jimmy said, that you deserve to be prioritized. Love you sis!
I had a severe allergic reaction to a scorpion sting that left me unable to move and struggling to take breaths. I drove myself to urgent care at night because he did not care about me… When they realized what was going on staff was afraid and said I needed to go to the ER. They didn’t want to call an ambulance because I was stable and it is expensive… They asked if I had anyone to call? I called my fiancé… The NP stood there while I struggled to speak, terrified of what was happening to me and tell my fiancé could he please come pick me up and take me to the ER? He was cold, acted like I was being dramatic, asked why can’t the one friend I have in our city who is the mom of an infant come pick me up at midnight…? The NP spoke to him about what was going on… He agreed to come pick me up. After I hung up the phone the staff all came one by one to speak with me… Asking if I was OKAY and SAFE? Like they didn’t believe I had called my actual fiancé. Tbh I couldn’t believe it either… I honestly wish I could be friends with every woman in these comments (there are some men too) who is a kind soul that seems to not be able to be treated with love and respect in their relationship. I wish we could all be seen. Maybe we can SEE each other. We deserve it. I hope you are in good health and I hope upon hope that all of this is behind you.
@@edithtierce8209I’m so sorry for your experience know that me a perfect stranger hopes you don’t stop loving you! It’s the most important relationship that you’ll have!! I pray for your healing that circumstances will change for you and the fears that prevent your success be left at God’s feet. Trust that you can leave if this continues and he refuses to show up as a partner. Being alone is better than that anyway. I stopped effort after 28 years and it’s been reinforced by his choices I probably always made excuses and was too afraid to start over after investing so much of myself. You have an opportunity for improvement and success without fear. If someone lets you walk away they aren’t worth fighting for! 🙏🏻♥️✨🔥
@@edithtierce8209 Please leave him. I'm not typically someone to jump on the internet and say that to random strangers, but that situation *alone* even with no other context is beyond red flag territory, it's abusive, which is why the nurses behaved that way and checked on you. If you really want to you can ask him to go to therapy, but put a deadline on it - find a therapist in the next two weeks or I'm out, and then stick to it because he will just promise and not go otherwise. (If he refuses straight out you have your answer: he doesn't care about you or the relationship anyway). But if he thinks you're being dramatic because *urgent care staff told you you needed to go to the ER* that is someone who's going to gaslight and downplay every single need you have, forever. It sounds like he would have watched you die on the living room floor before lifting a finger, which also means he's not at *all* reliable in any kind of emergency. Imagine if you hurt yourself, or started getting symptoms of a heart attack. At least if you're living alone you can have a plan to deal with that and medical staff won't just send you home if you need supervision because they know there's no one to watch you (there clearly isn't now, but they'd assume there would be). I had to go to the hospital recently for something much less serious, but that had the potential to be signs of something serious. My partner was abroad and couldn't help, but he was checking in with me the whole time, and my best friend and her husband came and sat with me in the waiting room (again, this wasn't even as serious as your situation! and they didn't have an infant, though they did have to go home about 1am anyway, though the didn't want to leave me but I insisted they sleep) - I didn't need a lift, they just cared enough to be with me when I was scared over something that *probably* wasn't even that serious. Not even a partner, just friends. Your partner is a thousand percent less interested in supporting you than a friend who doesn't live with me is about supporting me. My partner would never have let me go alone in the first place if he was able to be there. Heck, he wasn't working the day I had an iud fitted and came with me just in case I needed a hug afterwards or got dizzy and needed help (I tend to find the procedure very painful). Not everyone can go with you to more routine stuff like that, but caring enough to *want* to be there for you when you're sick or hurting is *what a partner should be like*. Ask yourself if you would have let him drive to the hospital while he was struggling to breathe? Or refused to help when urgent care assessed him as needing emergency care? I'm willing to bet the answer is no. Genuine emergencies or illness on the part of the other person can happen, occasionally they can't be there for you for every single need, but this wasn't "I haven't slept in 24 hours and I'm not safe to drive," or "my disability is flaring up to the point it's literally too painful to sit up, I'm sorry," or "I can't leave my grandparent with dementia by themselves, but let me order you a rideshare because I want you to get there safely." This was "nah, your medical emergency is an inconvenience, sort it out yourself." Get out before you're legally tied to that man. You aren't safe.
It took me 28 years to understand and accept this with my ex-husband. I finally gave up when I realized that if I didn't leave I was going to die, either at his hands or my own. My next go around only took me 7 years to see I was back in a similar place (a little better than last time, but still emotionally barren). I plan on spending a looooong time uncoupled. Emotionally available men are the exception, not the rule.
But you are the common denominator. Your willingness to accept emotionally unavailable men is the problem. I bet in all the time that you took off from relationships, you never did the work to heal your self love deficit disorder AKA codependency. So the next time you got into a relationship, you were still unhealed and you sought out the same emotionally unavailable partners.
@@ineedhoez You are right. Loooong before I ever got married I was trained in the art of codependency from my mother and father. I watched my father almost kill my mother multiple times, he beat us all during alcholic rages, SA'd me from 8 to 19; all I ever knew was abuse. As terrible as my ex was, he wasn't as bad as my father, not by a long shot. I am taking as much time as I need to heal my body, mind and spirit. I am working to make sure my past is no longer part of the equation.
Thank you. You explained 8 of my 8.5 years of marriage, trued everything to make it work, felt so alone. He was supposed to be my forever so I wanted it to work so badly, tried and begged him for years to connect with me and work through even the smallest things…got nothing but stonewalling and “you’re the one with the problem”. Finally decided I’m worth more than this, divorce in progress. Thank you for your content😊
Best thing that ever happened to me. My ex walked away for someone else and at the time it hurt like hell, but he was an avoidant narcissist and I got my life back. I hope things are going well for you today. ❤
@MelW669 I am living the same nightmare now after 28 years of marriage and 2 grown kids in college. Grateful for my freedom and personal growth, couldn't do it without my therapist and friends 🙏
Your ability to break things down and explain things plainly is remarkable. You empathize and make people accountable at the same time. You help me put words to my hurts and it has given me strength to move away from those that aren’t good for me. God bless you❤
The best part about this is that I just said all of this to my husband yesterday and found this video today. I realized today that God is speaking to me through you validating my experience. They do have a choice and God does believe you are worth it.
This was a little hard to hear. I have been married for 20 years. My daughter is 18 and graduates this year. I have battled with my husband and his aggressiveness for most of our marriage. I had 3 children and he had 1 coming into the marriage. He has always looked for the negative in each of them except his son (he came to live with us just before we married). I have begged for years for him to go to counseling. We recently had a huge blowup and I told him he was leaving after our daughter’s graduation. He started counseling for his anger (he is all mouth- yelling, cussing, name calling, etc). We noticed a huge change in his behavior for about 6 weeks and then he stopped going and he went right back to how he has always been. I’ve only stayed because I thought it was best to keep our family together. Now my daughter tells me she wishes I would have left him a long time ago. She is now in therapy.
I’m so sorry - leave . 6 months and now back to his old self . After all that time . When your kids tell you they want you to leave . Do it - or they will resent you later ! And your daughter will see she can be strong if she ever gets treated that way
Lets acknowledge that "i'm not leaving because of the kids" is just a cowardish excuse for not having the guts to leave....and then u have damaged kids...bravo!
I have tried everything. Counseling, self reflection, reading books, addressing things with I feel when you do this and my spouse checks off all those negative traits. I am trying to leave and cut the cord. Trauma bonding is rough 😢😢😢 Almost 20 years. I am not okay being in this relationship anymore. I've put up with this for too many years and it gets worse not better. Ty for all you do.
If you are dealing with a normal guy, Alison Armstrong has some good information. Basically, equality should not be confused with sameness. We are different and see things differently. If you are dealing with an unhealthy man, this advice will be way less affective.
Have you checked out conflict cure online? That one has helped to change the dynamics of my relationship however I was fortunate coz my hubby was willing to do the exercises with me. Reading "the proper care and feeding of marriage" and "empowered wife" has been very helpful too.
It becomes a psyhological trauma. If the counseling did not understood from day one that your relation and yopur location is affecting you, than they are all in chain with delayed DNA. They all eat shit in the raw, for what ? What is the counceling for, you dont feel a "toatl hate " a total waste of time, you cant realize that you a harm for a person, that your results and consequences brings nothing good and positive out, on a strategic plan speaking-long time. This is long time harm, you are a toxic person, hard to be beared in a disscusion, in a relation ship. How many times you have to be told to leave, to let other live how they want, to not stay in the way of others hapiness, to not insist like a cancer mental ill.
@@mrscuevas71 It's not her job to build Rome alone though. And Rome certainly won't get built if your building partner keeps tearing things down and undermining the project.
I’ve been on the brink for so many years in this relationship, basically gaslighting myself into thinking he will change. The only times I feel like I’m receiving the love and care I deserve Is when I’m in crisis (loved ones passing or when I’m sick). Every other day, it’s less than the bare minimum of attention out participation on the home. He has spent **thousands** of hours doing research on his own hobbies and obsessions, and not one on improving our relationship or intimacy challenges. We have the same fights every few months and very little has changed. I’m bringing some problems into this dynamic, to be sure! But I’m also the only one who’s trying to find a solution, and it’s exhausting trying to make a relationship work on my own while feeling taken for granted and neglected.
I’m a husband and I’m guilty of all this.. as a man I was raised to keep my feelings and emotions to my self cause it’s weakness. I get in defense mode instantly I want to be better for my wife
I now ask 'Do I want this for the rest of my life?'. It took me 25 years and 2 marriage counsellors to learn this and to understand that some people will not choose your relationship. Thank you for your videos.
Thank you for holding me accountable and calling me up to be who i am called to be despite the behavior of my husband, while also reminding me nothing is going to change if we continue on this path. Your right i am already alone and I have worth.
I need this from my wife. I've felt neglected for years and she says she felt neglected as well. No intimacy at all and it hurts like hell. She had sent videos of yours to me and i blew them off because i thought they would be like everyone else, I was wrong 😮
Remember she just wants to keep her favorite person. This isnt about ego or self worth, its about the worth you give your partner. Hope it went well for you and you thrive now 🎉
I always had to tell that to people in my life: "If I am the only one fighting for this relationship, then we have already lost!" I know, it IS possible to rebuild! But it needs BOTH PEOPLE!
I was with an avoidant. I did everything I could and in the end I realized we were incompatible. He doesn't want to spiritually grow and I do, I realized I needed to move on when his friends attacked me and he had absolutely zero instinct to protect me because of our fractured relationship. Also because he was a coward he was incapable of having any opinions based in reality. It's sad he's a weak man, no wonder he was single till I met him at 27. I didn't pick up on his weaknesses in our long distance relationship, by the time I moved to be with him I was trapped financially. I'll never try to change a man again. If he's not naturally right for me I'll just stay single. I don't have the energy to deal with a manchild again.
Yes, learning to actually practice this advice now that I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. You can't make someone go to counseling, and even if they do, it may not change them or the problems. They have to want to change first and for themselves, not for you or anyone else. You can stay and wait for some lightbulb moment, but in the meantime, you may not only become miserable but might even become like that selfish person in the relationship, and that's not good for others around you. Don't live in utter brokenness for someone else.
@jessipanda I'm sorry for that pain. I wish that would have at least been the case for my abusive ex, because then I could at least have the comfort of knowing he won't do it to someone else. That is, if there's true change, but the sad truth is almost all abusers do not change.
OMG! The canoe analogy in a relationship is the best analogy I’ve ever heard somebody use to describe a relationship where only one person is doing the work! If one one person is doing the work, paddling, you’re just going to go in circles!
ever been in a canoe with your partner? they call them divorce boats for a reason. one person can do all the work they want, but if they dont do it correctly, you go in the wrong direction. they then get tired, then get mad at you because you either a) stop helping because you get tired of trying to compensate for them b) stop all together so maybe they will see that you arent the problem c) then do it yourself d) have the cycle repeat in some manor. 10yrs married. like 2-3 canoe trips and 1 kayak trip. not a single time we could get along the entire time. we needed counseling before we got married, and now with 2 kids, we need it even more. this shit is hard. as much as it would be easy to say "i wish i never got married/had kids", while i agree with the sentiment to a degree, i would not have grown as a person if had i not been in this boat that's full of water and wont move forward without alot of effort. i wish i didnt have this long ride back to shore. i either have to paddle and bail water from this boat or get out and swim on my own while holding two kids above water. neither is easy. thanks for letting me vent for a bit.
Thank you, thank you for saying the hard stuff. Thank you for inviting me to ask myself "why do I feel unworthy of being prioitized?" Wow! It's truly is amazing how much we are the creators of our reality. Thank you
This makes me feel good about leaving my husband. I learned so many new skills in communication just for him. I was trying to tackle and beat my negative traits that didn't line up with the moral ideals I created for myself. Once I realized I was feeling alone I left him. He asked why and I said: I feel alone so I might as well be alone. To this day he still doesn't understand. We have be separate/divorced for over a decade. He looks happy in his current relationship and she seems to have a lot of loving family who can meet a lot of her emotional needs. Me and his other wives didn't have much support so we had more needs to be met and I think it was too much for him since he didn't even seem in touch with his own feelings how the hell was he going to be supportive of someone who was feeling too much due to PTSD in childhood.
Sounds like you put a huge expectation on him to be your emotional stability from your own past traumas. No shame or attack here, but you need to resolve your emotional traumas and not expect someone else to be your foundation. Thats a revipe for trouble
@@ArthurMorgansDeadHorse no I asked him to go to therapy with me because our communication broke down and I wanted to learn how to communicate better as a team. That is what I asked. I understood I needed my own personal therapy. But I asked my husband to help support me and get started because I was having a hard time. Just like how he asked for my help to reconnect with her daughter from his first marriage and I supported that and we moved half way across the country. How about ask more clarifying questions before you assume.
@@ArthurMorgansDeadHorse I left him and helped myself alone. I was always going to put the work in on myself. But he clearly thought I was faking it all fully well knowing that my own mother in her high and drink state pulled a gun on me because she hated me for being the child of my father (something I had no choice or say about). Again I asked my husband for HELP not hey fix me. Hey help me start since the depression is so hard on me I have no will. If that's too much emotional support then something is clearly wrong with him. I supported him with all the choices he made. And every time he asked for my help I supported him. But when it was my turn I was too needy? Huge expectation my fucking ass. This isn't an attack but I'm gonna assume you are the problem.
You have described the dance of my 42-year marriage, which I finally ended 3 years ago. I admit that I was the anxiously attached and he was so very avoidant. Divorcing him was instigated by a traumatic event involving our daughter. Over the past few years, I've learned so much about myself and all the things you talk about but until this happened I didn't understand the dance and why it was happening. And I realized that in those 42 years, I was not his priority. His work, his family, and then our daughter came before me. Now that I understand, it is difficult to deal with the tension between owning my part of the dance, not having the language or knowledge to express my needs and his not changing the stonewalling, the denial of not prioritizing me without blame-shifting. It feels almost impossible to do, especially since he is and has always been a psychotherapist. In other words, how do I accept my share of the blame without blaming him for his inability to put my needs first? It doesn't matter with him now, except for my own peace of mind, but I do pray to have another "real" relationship someday.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Your partner should be #1, have priority above all else (except kids). I cannot understand how people can put a career above their partner, I find it so selfish. Just inherently selfish.
Any woman that complains that their husband focuses too much on his career is super suspicious 🤨! I’ve seen many of women complain about this while tracking their Amazon purchases.
I love your videos!!! The way you analyze relationships is how I was in my first marriage. I'd map out graphs and diagrams of our fights to try and figure out where things were going wrong! I was told it was me and I began to believe it was me 😢 It wasn't. Well, it was in the sense that my self esteem was non existent and I had no boundaries and was terrified of upsetting him.... I am now remarried to a grown up adult man who is patient and kind, who I can talk to about _anything_ without fear of being yelled at or shut down. 14 years with the first one and he never prioritized me. 2nd hubby does! We prioritize one another ❤
I quit my old codependent patterns and later that left me available when the right guy finally showed up in my life. Now I've been married to the best husband on earth for over ten years. He's gentle, patient, kind, loving, etc...
Damn.Thank you so so so much for making this video!!!! This video just completely described my marriage over the last 13 years. I just finally told him I cant do it anymore. Im 53 years old, scared, have health issues and havent worked in over a year and no secure place to go..and yet I KNOW this has to happen if im going to survive as a human. ❤
My wife and I are in that spot. We are in counseling but also have talked about divorce. If she thought she could leave and still live a good lifestyle, I'm sure she would've left by now. If there were no financial considerations in divorce a lot of marriages would end tomorrow.
Well that sums up the last 18 years of my life exactly. Then I left. And now I’m healing but I didn’t realize how painful letting the anger out and accepting I’d lost 18 years of my life would be but it’s setting me free. I pray that I’m healed enough to run the first red flag I see if there’s ever a next time. Thank you Jimmy.
My absolute favourite post Jimmy, ringing all the bells! Thank you & so grateful how you explain this so well. In a 23 year relationship (13:years married) to a man I have tried in every way to show me some level of depth & connection only to be met with stone walls, blaming & silence. I know what I need to do.
There are words in this video that felt like stones adding up on my chest. The cycle, the "but I'm doing xyz, and he's doing nothing", all the way to now, trying to understand my pieces in this puzzle too. Seeing how I fell into a rabbit hole of bitterness and passive aggression that destroyed my ability to ACTUALLY use give and take communication, listening to podcasts on boundaries and self accountability. Highlighting sections that were painful realities like being a martyr and falling into my own traps of manipulation because I'm at my wits end just trying to have a functional day in my relationship. To hear the one that hurts the most, alone. I told him finally when he was about to put in overtime, we are at the end. Not as a threat, but a reality check that THIS can't continue, especially in limbo for weeks while he's gone. He didn't take the overtime...but this lightbulb moment I expected over the weekend, never happened. He was with the kids, he wasn't isolated all day, he didn't lose his temper. I wanted more. I wanted my friend back, I wanted touch, I had expectations he wasn't ready to meet and I saw myself in a very ugly way become the unappreciative impatient problem as soon as I saw him pick up his oar. I wanted to win the race without encouraging him to start, thanking him for turning us around. Heck I even can admit that I clicked this because I wanted him to listen to something on emotional maturity so we don't backslide at our next counseling appointment, and its ME burning the whole canoe. Thank you for your videos, if I choose to share one with him this week, it will only be because it strengthens us both, not blames. Remember everyone, if you know your partner has a truly good heart, don't rush them on their rebound. 10/10 this video hurt my feelings, and I needed that 👍
My husband will yell and scream at me, call me out of my name, and then a few hours later ask me if I need anything. Lol as if nothing ever happened. I am pregnant, emotional about baby, marriage and other things. He will always let me cry. Its like its a reward for him. He achieved watching me breakdown and suffer. I could never treat him the way he has treated me.
You know what worked for me when I faced that problem? I basically said “I’m going to tell you something, and this is what I need you to say after.” It may not be as authentic as I wanted but what actually happened was they saw a totally different way that conversation COULD go. I MODELLED healthy communication.
How are you now? My husband isn’t a bad guy. I think he really tries..for a couple days. But it always goes back to the same cycle of him absorbed with work and time feel like I don’t exist. 17 years going through this cycle of me trying to communicate, him reacting and I feel worse, then him trying and forgetting and I feel worse. I feel like I should appreciate that he’s loyal, hard-working, even supportive, but after years of telling myself I can’t change him only me, my self-image is in the toilet.
@@AlinaTowersI feel like I wrote this. Things have been shaken up in our marriage, but he says he's trying now. I guess he is. At least he listens more now and his actions have changed a bit for the positive. Decades of conditioning takes a lot of work on his part to change.
I tried that. He says "I was GOING to say that, you didn't give me a chance!" He found the chance to respond with a whole bunch of defensive invalidating blame shifting before I said anything, though. 🤦♀️🙄
There are so many gems of wisdom in your videos, but this one in particular I need to listen to repeatedly, especially the ending, I am taking notes! There is so much to reflect on and digest. I am coming to terms that my relationship may not be salvagable and I may need to walk away, you help give me the words to what I am experiencing and that helps me gain strength. I am almost 60 years old and leaving at this juncture in life without a good retirement plan (stay at home mom) and financial stability is rather scary, but living in a souless, neglegtful, toxic environment is a whole other kind of poverty that I just can't live with anymore....thanks for sharing, you help so many!!!
I have this problem. I came from a household where my mom was the breadwinner and my dad was the house husband so to speak. Growing up i heard people call me and my siblings "spoiled brats" or couldn't believe we talked to our parents "that way" When the reality is we lived in a household that encouraged open communication and discussions. Yes, Mom had the final word on things, but we always felt safe to argue or express our opinions on things one way or another. Currently I'm living with my boyfriend who clearly had a different upbringing. I still feel free to express my opinions without restraint but if it differs from his, he says I'm attacking him or I'm disrespecting him I finally had to sit him down and explain to him slowly that what he sees as disrespectful, is simply me expressing my thoughts. I had to explain to him that I was raised to have open discussions and that it's okay to argue about things. He didn't like it but I think he finally kind of is starting to understand that just because he's the "man of the house" doesn't mean we have to quietly submit nor would I ever. I think some people were raised a certain way and just believe that if they're the house owner then all should bow down without question or something idk I wouldn't know I didn't have that upbringing haha
Well articulated/delivered/edited, as always. I'm in a very 3+-year healthy relationship--FINALLY!-lujah!--but I watch your videos because they're incredibly validating regarding my past poor choices in relationships. Also, the UA-cam shorts where you play the couple and sometimes also a therapist and switch back and forth in the same vid - so entertaining! I applaud you for the self-examination and healing you pursued in your marriage and that you did something positive in the difficult challenge of that situation by creating this channel 👏🏻
The key part of this helpful video is in the first 20 seconds of the video. How to communicate to your partner in a "HEALTHY" way. It's learning a new language sometimes. Always and Never are regular words in my vocabulary that triggers my spouse! Trying to better on my part which is the only thing I can control.
Jimmy you are so spot on with advice. I wish I heard this 10 years ago and missed years of hurt. Now at last we are following this advice and are very happy. My husband and I look at you videos daily
Thank you for sharing this. So much truth. I ended a relationship recently with someone i loved, that i beleived had so much potential with the positive elements of the relationship but was toxic when it came to conflict. Expressing my feelings, even in a non blaming healthy way and being willing to explore both sides would result in defensive and aggressive behavior that he wasnt willing to or didnt know how to change. This even occured when the emotional support I needed was for problems in other areas of my life. My feelings were my problem, and mine alone. I tried for 3 years to change the way i approached issues, tried to understand him or him to underatand me with little progress. Not being able to share my feelings was one problem, but he also didnt feel safe sharing his. He avoided potential conflict until I shared something he percieved as being told he was bad or wrong, and then would explode with a combination of real issues and false accusations to avoid addressing whatever i was trying to communicate with him. Shifting to address his concerns wasnt helpful for him either and left me feeling neglected and more alone with him than without. The good times could never be enough to compensate for the abandonment i experienced when i was already struggling. The impact of those "betrayals" made me to realize the relationship could never be more than superficial if it wasnt a safe place to share our feelings. Life fills the space you make in your heart when you let go of things that are not meant for you. I feel like myself again. Knowing i did what i could to try to make it work builds me up because THAT is reflective of my character. One person cannot carry the relationship alone. I am ready to give the right person the love i also deserve to receive.
Thank you for candidly sharing your journey. Your description is a powerful example of what too many women are going through. I hope you find true happiness.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in a similar position now. We so enjoy each other’s company until conflict arises then I just find myself more alone and my emotions invalidated than ever before. How did you find the strength to leave?
I have no way out. It went on to long. I screamed and yelled to stop hurting me. It was the perfect storm. They all used my Love to steal my soul. Just would not care. I just couldn't fathom someone doing what they did. I am not worthy. No one ever made me feel worthy. I was a pure soul. I am ending as soon as I can. No hope is the worse. Please get out before your soul is completely dead. You can do it. You are stronger then you know. I am tired so tired.
I am in a relationship for 10 years now and he is very caring and I can trust him, but he is a perfectionist and when I feel hurt he also says I am too sensitive and gets angry so that I really don't know if I should go or stay. I do a lot of self work and had to change as well but I feel so hurt and angry in those Situation. On the other hand he is so reliable that I don't know if I really shoule go and leave...
Ask yourself if it is better to start over now, or 20 years from now when you are really dependent on him??? He sounds so reliable, like telling you that you’re too sensitive, you need to get over it. He’s moved on, why can’t you? You want him to be nicer and he wants you to fight meaner, because that’s what adults do.
You're so right . It took me so many years to realize I was allowed to ask for what I needed, and more years to find the words and the courage to tell my husband what I need. He didn't take it well, and that's not all on him, he was blind-sided, like you said. And he's trying to make me feel like he cares - do more things around the house, take on tasks when I need help. But he refuses counseling, thinks "actions speak louder than words", and so avoids actually talking. I feel like he wants to try, but wants to do it his way - which leaves me feeling again like I'm not being fully heard. I know this goes both ways - I just don't know if we can reconnect in the ways we both need.
Listening to Jimmy's videos and talking about them would have been a HUGE, relationship-changing help in my past marriage...WAY more helpful than any of the several counselors we tried. Maybe give it a go over his favorite meal or dessert.
Thank you Jimmy! Seriously! I'm very recently not in my relationship anymore, I wish I had known this 10 years ago, I couldve saved myself all the grief. Jimmy, you have helped me understand that I'm not a monster, we just didn't work together. 💕
This is Spot ON, Jimmy! When my husb and i have an argument, I check in with myself to see what role I played. Prior to becoming self-aware, i would not have been able to do that. ❤❤
My ex left me because this was our relationship, and he told me it was all my fault. I ended up being so shut down i couldnt leave the bedroom. I cried so much listening to this video. An emotional part of me still wants to be with him. The rational, adult part of me knows that he cant even begin to offer me what i want and need. It hurts so fkg much. Thanks for your honesty, Jimmy. I appreciate you.
Spent 10 years in an emotionally neglectful and, honestly, abusive relationship, all the while hoping I could love him into changing. I had myself convinced that if he could finally see what a loving and supportive partner I was that he'd have the safety to grow out of his immaturity and learn to trust and love in return. Eventually things got violent and I had to prioritize our kids over the hope he'd get better. No matter what excuses you're making for your partner, you're worth a better life. Codependent Anonymous meetings, talk to your friends and family, and have the guts to live. You're worth it.
Same! I had this idea that if I showed my partner as much love and respect as I could, maybe he would love me back in time...then later I lower my expectations to hope that one day he would at least like me...then I lowered them to hope that he would at least respect me...then I lowered them again to hope that one day he would at least tolerate me...none of that ever happened. 1 year later from the breakup, I'm happy and he's miserable. Oh well!
@@terryvalleryii2721I experienced this too. That is the best explanation I’ve ever seen for how the dynamic degrades over time. To where we lower our standards so far, we are willing to accept being tolerated just to maintain some shred of affection. Omg it’s literal insanity. I’m sure my last ex already had the next poor sucker lined up before I was even out of the picture. I saw a new lady’s name start showing up on his social media. Good luck to her.
@@tslilbearshoppe9870 I'm a woman and I'm competitive 🤷♀. I know a lot of competitive women. It's probably not about winning deep down, it's about feeling safe. The same for you.
Oh thank goodness you ended this video the way you did. I used to get triggered by the concept that it takes two to tango. That I needed to look at my role. I had exhausted every change I could possibly make. I had tried every possible way to open conversation, and regardless of how I handled myself in those conversing, he simply refused to participate. Ultimately I took responsibility for my contribution to the toxicity, and left. Best decision I ever made for both of us and our kids. ❤️
This is one of the few marriage videos where it is made clear that if the other person needs to change but doesn't then you need to think clearly about what do about staying in the relationship.
Yeah, I married to a covert narcissist, and I’m a therapist and I definitely know how to connect and communicate my feelings. There is nothing correct that you can say to somebody like this that is not praise that they won’t take as criticism. They don’t want to hear that you’re not happy because they don’t have the ego strength to realize that it’s not a personal attack it’s asking for change. it’s trying to work out problems together. Trying to talk to a narcissistic husband is like talking to a dog and expecting them to understand English.
Damn! That's a slap on the ❤! I'll just humble myself and process what I've heard. So much wisdom and educational communication. 🙌🏽 You transmitted more courage than a man running after a lion! I'm grateful for this content.
You have to own that you chose someone who isn’t completely healthy. That’s what I have done. Relationships with people who don’t care about your feelings don’t work. Either they fall apart or you are eternally miserable. Work on yourself and let go of people who are content being toxic.
@katjongeward7155 everyone hides their flaws while dating. If you think uou were fooled, so were they. Nobody is perfect and everyone has toxic traits and reactions sometimes. People always show you who they really are if you take the time to actually pay attention. But most of us get so wrapped up that we see and promptly ignore the red flags, especially when we are on the high of NRE.
@katjongeward7155 No, you fooled yourself and lied to yourself. You didn't take your time to get to know them. You decided to ignore red flags or your gut feeling. You didn't fix your self esteem issues or any childhood traumas that made you attracted to and keep someone like him. Similarity breeds liking. Both of you have unresolved issues and that's why you were magnets to each other. If you keep pointing the finger at others, you will choose someone else that's exactly like him or you'll end up single, but the type of single that is bitter and starts telling younger ones to not trust men/women, that they're all the same and start telling others to leave their spouses over the most insignificant thing. I've made dumb decisions in dating when I was in my early 20s. I always put the blame on the guy. Then I grew up, matured and realized: a. Bad people will always exist and b. I was choosing them. I was choosing to stay. I took responsibility for my actions and began a quest to heal myself. It's not an overnight thing. Now I can spot a toxic individual a mile away and haven't entertained any in years. It's so liberating to no longer play the victim card.
The reason why you chose somebody who was unhealthy is because you are unhealthy too!!!! Healthy people don't stay in relationships where their needs are not getting met!!! The reality is that the giver / codependent / self-love deficit disorder suffer, does not love themselves enough and they are terrified of being alone. They'd rather stay in an abusive situation then be alone. That's the real.
My ex-wife would wall off and push me away but then complain that I didn’t open up more with her. Then, when I would try to share or be vulnerable, she would say “Is this the face of someone who cares?! No! Talk to someone else.” So glad we’re done, but sad that she doesn’t see how her actions and attitude affect others as well as how her actions and attitude are directly affecting her health.
Because she probably has this stage in her cicle were you suppose to go throw her rejection to prove she can trust you and open up or she has no healthy way to give this previous bad feeling away other than pushing them into you. It might help if you put your vulnerability away for that period and let her push a little because than she might calm down and actually talk. So you initiate, close down for a while and let her throw things into shell, then open up and try to talk again. Or even apologize. Not trying to say you did it wrong, just giving some point of view on different patterns. May be it help.
This is so true. Makes me sad that people do not own their side of things. Nobody has to be right or wrong, just heard and understood. I'm always very open to how my actions made my now ex feel but she would not listen to my feelings and in turn when I tried to talk to her she would pull away and create distance. This would make me pull in and then she would create more distance. This could have been worked though just by talking. Makes me very sad as I love her so much but I can not be in a relationship where we can not sit down and have a real conversation. I would do anything to work on a relationship but I feel that people now a days would rather walk away than work on their traumas together. Always after the first high and when things get real they feel its easier to walk away. Then just repeat, repeat, repeat. People try harder in the jobs, looking good and on social media than they do in their relationships. So sad.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME GET OUT OF A DEAD END RELATIONSHIP!!! I deserve and need better. I am currently single. It was PAINFUL letting go. And I'm glad I did. I deserve better. YOU CAN DO IT LADIES!! FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS. BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS HAPPY TO MEET THEM AND COMMIT TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOU. RVEN IF THAT PERSON IS YOUR CAT.
I’m still here because I’m 8 months pregnant. He knows what I need and want, because he says it of his own accord during therapy, but he chooses not to follow through. I will not live this way forever.
This same sort of thing happened to me. He was able to fully understand where he was falling short and completely aware of how his failure to meet me halfway (Hell, even meet me 5% of the way) was breaking my heart...but he told me that it was an active choice he was making to not reciprocate the respect I was showing him. To know that I let a stranger who drew his self-worth from tearing me down sleep in my bed for years still makes me sick. I wish I had more self-respect to leave him as soon as he told me that I deserve respect, just not from him. To try to comfort me, he even went as far as to tell me how much he enjoys the things I do for him and that he hopes I find someone one day that is willing to do the same for me. What a piece of trash. It's now 1 year later from the break up. I haven't seen or spoken to him and, Lordy, I have never been happier!
Women put a lot more than is necessary on a man. If he is going to work, providing and being polite at dinner and meeting the minimum at your birthday/anniversary, I’d call that a win. Women need more female relatives and friends at home to support their emotional needs instead of expecting men to do it.
@@Foxie770 I can agree to this. A lot of women expect men to be everything for them. All i have ever expected from him is to be my partner and act like he wants a relationship with me instead of treating me like a roommate.
This is the best video I have seen on this topic. Last year I left my partner after seventeen years of trying, years of counselling and courses and still only making the tiniest steps forward. He said it was always something with me and that every time he did something for me I raised the bar. I couldn’t get the bar off the ground and now I’m working on breaking the trauma bond because I still feel like I care. 😢
Same, it’s a never ending cycle. I’ve pleaded with my husband to go to counseling for YEARS and he refuses saying I’m the one with the problems. It’s impossible to work with someone like that.
Your right. I've been stuck in this toxic cycle almost 2 decades. I have neglected and betrayed myself as much as they have in doing so. Hope is great, until it isn't.
Whenever I wonder about dating again, I think I should just come back to this video. It’s a good reminder about why I’m better off alone alone and not alone together.
I think there is a lot of fear that there are not men out there that know how to respect, pursue, kindness, etc. I’m married to a man that the vast majority of people would describe as an incredibly kind and wonderful person and he can be! But what someone looks like from outside of a relationship isn’t always what it looks like from the inside. He is finally in counseling this year and trying EMDR and there is hope. We’ve done counseling together too and it’s usually helpful for awhile. We’ll probably do it again soon as well but I felt this past year we weren’t going to get further without doing some self work.
I have no fear of knowing there are few men who are emotionally and mentally mature - I have several immature men in my family. It is what it is. Just praying God gives me the strength and discernment to keep avoiding these types of folks and to take care of myself.
My husband and I did EMDR for non- marriage issues. ( Our marriage was and still is great. ) The EMDR was helpful, as well as attending a 12 - step group and reading their books.
Would love a video that explains why when you talk about feelings or cry they go dead pan, or turn away? How they can listen to you cry yourself to sleep?
My ex-husband would just say "That's not going to work on me" when our arguments resulted in my tears. The pain that brought me to tears was just dismissed as a manipulation tool. It just made him shut down and ignore me. I'm so glad I left that marriage. No regrets. I've never been as happy and personally content as I am now, single at 58 years old.
If a man has never been exposed to healthy female interactions - AKA a terrible mother and/or sister - he likely only knows women crying as a manipulation tool. Thus instead of learning how to properly communicate with women, he's stuck with only knowing how to communicate with men, and men see crying as weakness in other men, so when he sees you cry, he as only two buckets to place crying into "weakness" or "manipulation". If that is all he knows, it's impossible for him to see your crying as genuine hurt, because he doesn't cry when he's hurt, only children do that, and your not a child, so that won't register. As to why he can ignore you crying yourself to sleep, from his perspective he doesn't have a choice. Men have to be able to put up with crap and just proceed with life as if nothing happened. From your perspective, you are devastated crying yourself to sleep. From his perspective you are just trying to be annoying and emotionally nagging. Tuning you out is the easiest thing to do, and he knows you'll "give up" eventually and fall asleep. Is it right? No, but he likely has no other means of processing your behavior. You also can't teach him when you are upset, that conversation has to be had when everyone is emotionally sober. And if you can't talk to him when you are both emotionally sober, I really have to ask why you married him in the first place. THAT is a massive red flag.
My husband always walked away at the first tear. I know now it was because he was in foreign territory and had no idea how to help. He’d go into a shame spiral about what a terrible husband he was which only kept him focused on himself and unable to be there for me. He needs to learn “imago”.
Thank you! You speak truth. So validating for me...this was my past relationship and it was when I realized that I mattered, I had the courage to leave. He was unwilling to hear anything I had to say or make any change for YEARS!
I understood I had to get out when I realised after NINE YEARS this person never loved me. He was using me as therapist/humpfurniture/punching bag. I want to relationship therapy by myself because I wanted this to work and he refused to come with me. I thought if I changed, he would change. I matured, he stayed way behind and got more and more agressive as I grew. When he started to become violent I had to flee the house. I saw him at the supermarket a couple of days ago. He still doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends with him at least. I told him people I call friends would never treat me like that. He called me a selfish B and I got to walk away knowing he hadn't changed and it took me too long to get away from this person. But I did it. And I did change the way I treat others in that one sided relationship therapy. It helped a lot.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear a MAN say that I'm worthy of all of those things. I've been asking my pastor to say that, as a child of God, I'm worthy of those things. He won't say it because (I think) that he can't imagine that my husband (who he thinks he knows) would tell me otherwise. I actually said "this isn't sustainable" TWO FREAKING YEARS ago. If I step outside of this relationship I can so clearly see what "wife" should do (should-based on my moral/value framework). I finally heard, "no, you're not crazy" from someone this week and it felt like something inside me became fortified or strengthened. This video did the same thing. Thank you for saying what I know are basic truths. I'm finally ready to stand firm in them. (If that makes sense.)
It took some very harsh words from a male friend for me to finally wake up. I suffered through a period of time where it was brought to my attention I had dissociative amnesia and then diagnosed with PTSD for things that happened when I was young. I "married my abuser" essentially. Through that period I was dismissed, told I had mental problems not like anyone in his family (alcoholic father to start), I was gaslite, he turned me against my family it was awful, but I stayed. He had put his hands on me a few times also. My life was one repeating cycle of shame. I've been in therapy for years, he went for a while, and it was suggested we see therapists separately, but all he did was complain about me. I never did enough, I never made enough money which was the crux of a lot of the issues. We have 4 kids and I worked part time and then some throughout the marriage. He went back to school and I supported him. He lost job after job and I worked more, still taking care of kids and doing the majority of the chores and cooking. Only now that the kids are older and 2 years of divorce proceedings has he taken interest in doctors and dental appointments, school events or conferences, etc. He lies continously about me to my kids, it's awful. I have to move out because it's his house which he's always thrown in my face. Enough is enough and I need to care for my own emotional, physical, and mental well being. Let this be a lesson, some people are not capable of self improvement. I know my faults, but if no one is willing to listen to you, then there's a problem.
💯 I understand you... Although we care so deeply, they make it adamantly clear that they do not.. So hurtful. I took care of him in his time of need. Mine left on a business trip when I was in the hospital having seizures/medical issues (I would have gone to help as we work together, but he just left letting me know that he was mad that I kept him awake vomiting (nobody wants to be sick. I didnt do it to myself, yet he was mad at me like I did it to him, not that it was happening to me!) he didnt believe me, therefore punished me with abandonment👌, he understands my childhood issues with my mostly absent mother who used to ditch her kids whenever or leave my father..) then had the nerve to text my father that I was faking my illness, the illness which is painfully real, & he cant be bare to be around.. 🤦♀️ No consideration.. full neglect. My parents were not a good example of marriage, but yet they are appalled at how I "let him treat me"... Sorry to ramble, I'm sending love your way - I feel for you all going through this, we all deserve so much better 💌
Jimmy, I needed this video so badly. Thank you for reminding me that I’m human, and I deserve and need better. I followed the steps you describe. Unfortunately, my husband chose to leave instead of fight for our relationship. So we are getting divorced, but because of videos like these I am ok with that. I know I did everything I could, and was willing to continue to try, but not with someone who wouldn’t prioritize me. I don’t feel the shame I would have felt if it weren’t for videos like this one. And now my one gripe… you don’t row a canoe! A canoe is paddled. I’m a rowing coach, so it’s a personal pet peeve of mine. I love the idea of what you were trying to say there. Just don’t spread the false idea that you row facing the direction you’re traveling.
OUTSTANDING!!! everything about this video is spot on! As the woman who has done this for years and is now in counseling together with my husband to try and make the changes needed to keep the relationship, i love everything you said. You deserve a book deal or an award or something because this was absolutely stellar and i can thank you enough for putting it out to the world. stay strong to weather the angry comments because we need you out there!
Thank you so much for explaining from a professional angle what so many have tried to illustrate. Often times we are labeled dramatic for saying exactly so, but you have given us confidence that reality is such as you described. Thank you!
OMG, you spoke directly to me here, Jimmy. I'm grateful though to hear you describe so many things that I am experiencing now. It made me feel understood and reflect even further. But still, I've heard from the man I love immensely that he doesn't have the energy to get over his 'anger issues.' He says he loves me, but not enough to let go of anything he wants to do... and things like that. How can I still want to be with him? How can I love someone who neglected me and felt no remorse, worse even, someone who said he would do it again? Do I not love myself? I thought I did, but how can I love him still, if not because I don't love myself? I think I have my reasons; I think I know the answer, but I must be wrong... everything tells me I'm wrong. But still, I love him and I'm willing... Today he went away, took all the colors along. Now I feel hurt, alone, wronged, angry, unloved, but mostly sad. What began as a thank you note is ending almost as sad as me... So if you'd be so kind, please tell me, how can I still want to be with him?
If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. Consider, he may be your twin flame. Look into that. After he initiated your trauma, you're now left to heal all that comes up. Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just, be and approve who comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, block it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. And, Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief: 1. Find the belief... 2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief 3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having belief If you can NOT find advantages then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!! When you finally see both sides... Your mind will STOP thinking about it 'cause it’ll be rewired. So you gotta keep at it, until you find the positive to the negative... And therefore, ultimately rewire your brain! AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really it's actually all about vibration!
Love to see a video on "do what you say" - a man of integrity. If he says he will do something - do it. When you say you won't do that anymore - don't. He is emotionally dead/disconnected and unsafe. On counselor #4, read several books, watched and taken notes on around 200 videos, goes to church and a weekly men's group. Knows the "words" just no clue what they mean.
I took a course to stop the fights. First advice was to stop saying bad things. This doesn't mean I dont feel angry. So many times I dont attack back, I shut up, but is obviously visible I am not very happy and I am upset. AND HE GETS ANGRY THAT I AM ANGRY!!! IT IS NIGHTMARE. I feel in a emotional prison getting tortured for my inner feelings
Men feel like women don't have the right to be angry. Case in point...I got angry at work. Coworker said, if you keep acting like that you won't have any friends. I point blank asked him why he didn't shame his male coworkers when they got angry. He saw my point and apologized.
He’s not dismissing me most of the time any more. But he’s still not prioritizing me consistently. He does it for a couple weeks then stops. It’s SO amazing when he does! We get VERY close and it feels SO good I want it all the time! But he almost always pulls away when I need just a little more. So I feel like it’s my fault. If I were just grateful for the two weeks of good and didn’t need more we would seem to have a blissfully happy love life. 23 years btw and I love him for life.
It's great he's making progress, not so much that he has a cycle of relapsing. How long has that been going on? At a certain point it's a choice, not just a reaction. I'm sure you've likely talked to him about it, but it doesn't sound like you're getting through. Has he got some unresolved trauma he needs to work through? Partner counseling might help, or personal therapy for him might help, but he's got to make the choice to actively engage for him to make progress. Not just do it for awhile just to make you stop talking about it. I won't reiterate Jimmy's point since he made it so eloquently, but I wish you happiness, no matter where you have to find it.
20 years of asking him to care about my feelings and him saying that all i was saying was he was a piece of shit. Him never taking it seriously for more than a couple days. I learned how to see it, that i was dying of thirst and yet returning to a dry well. It's not even his fault it's dry, not completely. The patriarchy does untold damage to men too... by not encouraging them to have emotional maturity. But it doesn't matter why the well is dry... I'll die of thirst just the same. I learned to defend my boundaries, get my needs met best as i can in other ways, and i moved out. I still care about him, encourage him, offer him assistance... but it's so good to be able to "go home" whenever I'm disrespected and don't feel like giving any more. I've sent him your videos, Jimmy... and it first he got super defensive and was complaining why would he watch a bunch of videos that just said he was a piece of shit... And I said that's funny because the videos are primarily about the fact that he thought exactly that, that you used the same words he always uses about himself . after a few days he finally watched the videos and he told me he liked the way you talked and he thought they were good. So, it was nice to see a glimmer of change in him...i don't think we will ever have a marriage and I'm ok with that. I mourned it years ago. But anything that helps him grow to be healthier and happier, I'm grateful for. Thank you for your videos Jimmy
I'm 55 years old and you have put words to my feelings. I understand very clearly now how I got to where I am and what I need to do about it. Thank you for using your gifts to help others. It's changed me.
Well said. The hardest lessons for me to learn was u can't force someone to keep their word, you can never behave well enough to be treated well, and changing your spouse would not change the original wound that influenced your skewed perception and expectations. You must nurture yourself bc no one CAN do it for you.
My husband of 12 years is addicted to electronics and started taking on meetings for where he used to work, spends more time on Facebook with his so called friends. There are a lot of family dynamics. I am his 4th wife. My husband is selfish and only thinks of his needs and not mine. I have tried so many times to get him to understand what I needed from him. He blames me for our martial problems. Go figure. Like I said I am his 4 th wife, figure it out. HE IS THE PROBLEM.
I'm reading a lot of comments about this video "helping" people to be okay leaving their relationship. I'm only reading a few comments about anyone who was able to navigate through this challenge (as either the anxious or avoidant). I'd like to hear more success stories, as I need hope, as we ARE taking baby steps and I have hope, not just despair 🥰
2 years ago, I had hope. I realized I'm not being heard but I didn't want to end the relationship. But, I knew I needed space. So I moved out and did long-distance. I thought that the distance might make the heart fonder. 10 months in, a fight turned particularly ugly and they refused to contact me for a fortnight! That gave me quite the scare. But also made me think, maybe it wasn't so bad to lose them after all. A year ago, I moved back in. Because I still had hope. I let them take me to therapy and treat me like I needed to be fixed. Six months ago, the therapist told them down and explained that it was against his ethics. That his job was to help people who sought it, not fix people who didn't need fixing. So if they need help, they should seek it instead of asking for me to fixed. That was the last time they set eyes on that therapist. Now, I no longer have the energy to work on this relationship. Because I'm the only one rowing. But I still have hope. Because they said they want to row the boat with me, just that our rowing styles are very different. I plan to move out again soon. I need to nurse myself to strength. I need to care for myself. I need to build my social support system. I need to find my joy again. Once I feel strong enough, I will try again to communicate. I don't know when that will be. But I will always have hope. I'm sorry, but that's the best hope I can give you.
This was how my ex husband responded to me expressing my feelings every single time. Eventually I had to stop sharing and ultimately stop feeling. Needless to say I eventually left. I now leave a happy peaceful life seeing a more emotionally supportive person. I now know however that I can be alone as well… i was alone for a few years before meeting the new person. Even the new person sometimes gets defensive when i express my feelings but he’s a little more self aware. He’ll realize it and try to fix it. My ex always held on to his ego as if he was holding on for his life.
My favorite video by far. This video speaks volumes. I experienced a marriage like this for over 20 years…I finally made the painful decision to get on the other side of this type of treatment. To stop playing the victim. To abandon myself completely to a new beginning of life & love. To start taking responsibility in many ways I never had. I have finally discovered not only a greater self love, but love in ways before I had only dreamt of. It has never been easy, but the rewards have been more than worth it. Love/God never fails. 💝🙏
You never will feel more powerless than when you’re trying to explain to your partner that they’ve hurt you and they still don’t understand
And so hurt :(
This!!! Everytime he asks what is wrong, I feel like it is a trap, no matter what I say or how I say it, he gets mad at me.
@@janicekern5318it's why I need a divorce. It becomes a toxic cycle and I can't keep riding the cycle of chaos
@@shawngrissom1141 I started working in the schools, I work through my pain everyday, the end of the day is the worst, but I know I need to leave, hoping I can earn enough in the next year or two. If I leave now I will end up stuck wherever I end up, so I want to be sure, where I am stuck at, is where ai want to be. Just an acre or two of land, hopefully with a water source and electric, but hey, I can live without that stuff.
what if he says "I'm trying"? but, he still sucks? then, it becomes a defense, and again, it's my fault. "well, I'm trying!" it's like if he says he is trying, I can't complain.
So true. I had to employe a 3rd person to act as a trainer, mediator and translator. She was able to translate my wife’s language into words I could understand. Then after the joint session another session to help me with my stuck places. It was hell. My emotional filters were twisting every emotional message my wife tried to deliver. No matter how careful she was all I heard was an attack and that I’m not enough. My filters twisted everything to line up with my core beliefs. I could not hear her heart. In session she might say the sky is blue, I would argue fiercely that she said the sky is green. Therapist would confirm, “Keith, she said blue”. That was a real eye opener to see how corrupted my operating system was. Took years to dig out of that mess. I had the emotional maturity of a 3 to 5 year old. All in an adult body.
Im so proud of your self reflection here!! It takes a strong man to admit where he was wrong in the past. But I also have a tremendous amount of compassion for you. I bet you came from a family where there was some inconsistent love or some neglect wasn’t there? They didn’t model what healthy emotional connection looked like did they? And that’s heartbreaking too
Thank you. My parents modeled how to destroy children and relationships in general. I was moms golden child and the enforcer of her will and rules within her family and ultimately my own family. She is a dedicated determined destroyer and she used me to wreck havoc everywhere. It was ugly. Freedom took 15 years. Most of it coming in the last 2 1/2. In the end it took an IFS specialist who was recovering from her own severe childhood abuse to lead me out and then back to myself to do the parts of my healing that only I could do. IFS turned out to be far more effective than EMDR. Although I think EMDR was necessary for me to reach a point where I could stay in the room with her. Without the healing all of the marriage tools and techniques I had learned were nothing more than temporary coping skills which took the manipulation to the next level. (I was SO bad) 😁
Anyway, enjoying your content. We need more men like you.
This honest share gives me hope. Thanks foe your vulnerability; it shows real healing!
I swear this is my husband
That's so beautiful that you found it. Thank you for sharing.
The worse when the person, man or woman see you getting upset and they walk away. The resentment grows so much that we don’t even feel like having any contact. If your woman isn’t touching you, she has resentment built up.
Please take into account the person may be walking away bc they know if they stay in the room they may something in the heat of anger that they can't take back.
Women feel they are allowed to be resentful, whereas men cannot. My wife can have resentment against me for something she failed to communicate years ago. But if I hold anything she directly did to hurt me against her, I'm a narcissistic abuser who just uses her as a punching bag.
Why do you keep things in her heart? Women only want you to listen to her,when my husband is rude I avoid him,because I dont waste my energy with a person who is not respecting me..Because I respect and love my self more that I love him,you may call it selfish but thats important to survive,if someone is blind enough to see and realize the importance of relationship then they are not worth anything from you@@smokingcrab2290
@smokingcrab2290 It is not good for either of you to hold resentment and hold it against each other. I resent my husb for things he has done. I have tried talking to him about it, but he gets defensive. I try not to use it against him, but I may do it unconsciously. There is a lot of pain I need to heal from. I don't expect him to heal my pain. That's for me to do.
Minute 4:20 “The mature person asks…Why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me?”
Minute 5:40 “Are you comfortable staying in a relationship where someone doesn’t care to meet your legitimate needs?”
This entire video is spot on.
OMG. Mind blowing. Great video.
My wife stonewalls me and claims I'm neglecting her needs.. while blaming me for all of her resentment.. while expecting me to deny all of her hurts she's made against me.. While holding complete double standards.. While mentally and emotionally abusing me.. While claiming I'm the one doing it all to her.. On top of claiming that I'm the worst man shes ever been with.. Even though she's a stay at home mom of only one child and wants for nothing, gets everything she wants, and gave the best of herself to men who cheated on her.
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In our relationship , 1. I tell him my needs 2. He feels attacked 3. He invalidates me 4. I shutdown and tell him this isn’t working/please leave 5. He comes back hours later trying to meet my needs/promising to go to counseling
6. We are great for 6-8 weeks 7. Repeat cycle
This is normally due to unhealed trauma. Counseling helped me to process through that stuff so I could actually have safe conversations about my wife’s needs without feeling attacked
Sounds like he isn't actually willing to change. Does he take any action to go to a therapist? If not, his actions should speak louder than words.
Sounds like the hell I used to go through to be in a relationship. Once I learned to love myself, ..single is beautiful & ok!
Same the fuck here and I’m tired so when day while he’s at work I’ll be moving me and my girls out!
Literally me right now with my husband.
I remember when I told my husband it hurts me that he is maintaining a friendship with the woman he cheated on me with and he reacted by walking away from me with a shoulder shrug. This was at a time we were suppose to be working on our marriage after he had the affair. This reaction was the beginning of the end.
Girl... you know he is still with her right?
😭😭😭@@ineedhoez
I’m so excited for you to have the opportunity to find a partner who DOES listen to and meet your needs!
He was the problem, …trust me on this.
Same thing happened to me. Wish I had ended it then. His excuse was her husband was a drunk and she needed a friend... Fast forward 25 years. My husband's the drunk. 🤔🤔
"You're already alone in this relationship"
Wow. Hit the nail on the head. 😔
I do agree with that.
True even when he's here he's not here. You are alone and fear to bring up anything.
That's how I feel. Like a single mother.
😢😢 VERY HARD!!
Yeah, that one hit pretty close to home.
After 20 year's of trying to express this to my husband he finally understands. You helped us break emotional walls we both built. I never blamed him in 20 year's. We always had the love but now we have the ability to communicate. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. ❤
I'm so glad I read your comment, I just wanted u to know that immediately after reading your "testimony", I felt hopeful. Thank you.
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I had this discussion with him yesterday. I asked him to please focus on my feelings with compassion (since he actually did something big to hurt me, little things don’t need addressing), instead on focusing on HIS feelings of his wrongdoing and guilt. His face changed and softened. I was almost in shock! I was so proud of him for this, and will continue to tell him how proud of him I am of all the great things he does. I used to emasculate without even knowing, and prayed (pray) that God shows me when I do. Always easier to point fingers, and while he’s the bigger problem, I can change for the better to be a more supportive wife without being a doormat.
As a doormat, I thank you for this comment
Is he the bigger problem though?
Sounds like you’re still working harder than he is.
I’ve been struggling with this exact thing for a long time. My wife will try to communicate her feelings and needs to me and all I hear and is jabs. It’s painful to be trying so hard to mend our relationship and every time we talk about something we get nowhere because I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I started in therapy and have been watching your videos trying desperately to find my way and break through this major barrier in our marriage.
Good for you!
You are the 1% of men who recognize the problem and is taking responsibility. Congratulations
At least you are trying and recognizing your emotional intelligence needs to be worked on, nice to hear from you
Good luck to you but she probably already gone
Keep trying. At least you have started to see what you are doing
The fact that I have to play this audio very low is so saddening. I don't want a fight, I want a marriage.
I can totally relate.
Me too
Oh snap this is literally me rn 😓
You don’t want to hear this: You don’t have a marriage if you have to hide that you’re watching videos. I feel like maybe you all deserve much more. I’m sorry that you’re all in that situation.
The saddest part is that you allow your life to be this way. You believe that you are worthless and this is the best you can do. That is heart breaking. Get gone.
As a person in that exact pursuer/avoided relationship, I used the communication techniques (when this happens, I feel xyz), but my partner still feels attacked, deflects, or continues to avoid. I am starting to also avoid. I can see that this relationship is unhealthy and and I am on a path of self-healing and focusing on myself.
That’s all we can do, I’m proud of you!
Yes I find with avoidants it’s near impossible. Luckily only dating so I moved on from it. It’s not healthy and I was walking on eggshells just to ask to see them more and get more calls
Same here. I heard this video and it just resonates very well. I decided today that this marriage isn't going to work.
I just landed my not so dreamy dream job, doing what I love...the chaos and resentment from not being able to communicate, not being heard valued or protected...had me in such a tizzy that I couldn't go in to work. I can't ever forget that. I was so happy and vibrant and independent before him, I wanna go back to that. This feels like real covert narcissism and emotional/mental abuse
@@shawngrissom1141I feel like I'm reading my own writing when reading your comments. I resonate with what you've shared 100% It's been just over 3yrs of marriage and already it feels like it's cost my soul. I am a shell of who I used to be having given far far beyond what I could give. No one should be alone in a marriage. I feel like I've been waiting for my husband to show up in mine since our vows. I have to realise now that he made vows he couldn't keep. No one in my life knows about what I'm going through. At least there's someone here I can relate to although I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through this ever.
These advice is golden…not just for romantic relationships but also between adult children and their parents. Thank you.
My ex he puts more value on his grown adult children and his imaginary friends and not on me. In the beginning of our romance it was a whirlwind of love. But a few years passed and he started talking me for granted. He thought that I would put up with his selfishness. Of course he puts all the blame on me. I told him that it takes two people to make or break a marriage. I am his fourth wife. His other wives have noticed the same things that I have. He is selfish and does not care women’s needs.
I just made the comment of how parasitic parent-child relationship seem to be,😅.
But I'm coming at it from a single parent of a now 8 year old, 😂.
It's very interesting trying to use gentle parenting which uses a lot of adult relationship concepts... But when your kids really young... It's actually not that unhealthy for the child to have some narcissistic tendencies.
I’ve worked through the truth of this. I lived in victim mode for many years, but finally took accountability for my co dependency, developed a voice and started to ask clear, difficult questions in a vulnerable way. The answers hurt like hell, but having the truth I had experienced for so long finally out in the open was freeing. I finally stopped trying to change him and accepted the death of our marriage. I asked for him to join me in rebuilding it but he was unwilling. I had the answers I needed to lay it down and walk away. I’m still working on my codependency and anxious attachment style and will continue to take accountability and improve. That’s my job and sure, I’m anxious about how my next relationship will go… but I’m finally healed enough to be grateful for my growth.
Thank you for helping me realize this relationship is going anywhere. A lot has happened over a decade of fighting but today was an eye opener. I had a diagnostic mammogram, an ultrasound, and scheduled a biopsy. I took a Lyft to and from the radiology place cause he didn’t want to be bothered. When I came back, he didn’t ask how it went or how I felt. I even texted while at the doctor’s office to let them know they might have to do an ultrasound. Nothing. No replies In text or in person while checking out of the hotel or the drive home. Know your worth. I deserve more.
Sad. I hope you're in good health and that someone is loving you.
Yes, you do. You deserve to be seen, to feel cherished and particularly supported. I see you in a new relationship with someone who truly cherishes you. I am so glad you see it to and that, like Jimmy said, that you deserve to be prioritized. Love you sis!
I had a severe allergic reaction to a scorpion sting that left me unable to move and struggling to take breaths. I drove myself to urgent care at night because he did not care about me… When they realized what was going on staff was afraid and said I needed to go to the ER. They didn’t want to call an ambulance because I was stable and it is expensive… They asked if I had anyone to call? I called my fiancé… The NP stood there while I struggled to speak, terrified of what was happening to me and tell my fiancé could he please come pick me up and take me to the ER? He was cold, acted like I was being dramatic, asked why can’t the one friend I have in our city who is the mom of an infant come pick me up at midnight…? The NP spoke to him about what was going on… He agreed to come pick me up. After I hung up the phone the staff all came one by one to speak with me… Asking if I was OKAY and SAFE? Like they didn’t believe I had called my actual fiancé. Tbh I couldn’t believe it either… I honestly wish I could be friends with every woman in these comments (there are some men too) who is a kind soul that seems to not be able to be treated with love and respect in their relationship. I wish we could all be seen. Maybe we can SEE each other. We deserve it.
I hope you are in good health and I hope upon hope that all of this is behind you.
@@edithtierce8209I’m so sorry for your experience know that me a perfect stranger hopes you don’t stop loving you! It’s the most important relationship that you’ll have!! I pray for your healing that circumstances will change for you and the fears that prevent your success be left at God’s feet. Trust that you can leave if this continues and he refuses to show up as a partner. Being alone is better than that anyway. I stopped effort after 28 years and it’s been reinforced by his choices I probably always made excuses and was too afraid to start over after investing so much of myself. You have an opportunity for improvement and success without fear. If someone lets you walk away they aren’t worth fighting for! 🙏🏻♥️✨🔥
@@edithtierce8209 Please leave him. I'm not typically someone to jump on the internet and say that to random strangers, but that situation *alone* even with no other context is beyond red flag territory, it's abusive, which is why the nurses behaved that way and checked on you. If you really want to you can ask him to go to therapy, but put a deadline on it - find a therapist in the next two weeks or I'm out, and then stick to it because he will just promise and not go otherwise. (If he refuses straight out you have your answer: he doesn't care about you or the relationship anyway). But if he thinks you're being dramatic because *urgent care staff told you you needed to go to the ER* that is someone who's going to gaslight and downplay every single need you have, forever. It sounds like he would have watched you die on the living room floor before lifting a finger, which also means he's not at *all* reliable in any kind of emergency. Imagine if you hurt yourself, or started getting symptoms of a heart attack. At least if you're living alone you can have a plan to deal with that and medical staff won't just send you home if you need supervision because they know there's no one to watch you (there clearly isn't now, but they'd assume there would be).
I had to go to the hospital recently for something much less serious, but that had the potential to be signs of something serious. My partner was abroad and couldn't help, but he was checking in with me the whole time, and my best friend and her husband came and sat with me in the waiting room (again, this wasn't even as serious as your situation! and they didn't have an infant, though they did have to go home about 1am anyway, though the didn't want to leave me but I insisted they sleep) - I didn't need a lift, they just cared enough to be with me when I was scared over something that *probably* wasn't even that serious. Not even a partner, just friends. Your partner is a thousand percent less interested in supporting you than a friend who doesn't live with me is about supporting me. My partner would never have let me go alone in the first place if he was able to be there. Heck, he wasn't working the day I had an iud fitted and came with me just in case I needed a hug afterwards or got dizzy and needed help (I tend to find the procedure very painful). Not everyone can go with you to more routine stuff like that, but caring enough to *want* to be there for you when you're sick or hurting is *what a partner should be like*.
Ask yourself if you would have let him drive to the hospital while he was struggling to breathe? Or refused to help when urgent care assessed him as needing emergency care? I'm willing to bet the answer is no. Genuine emergencies or illness on the part of the other person can happen, occasionally they can't be there for you for every single need, but this wasn't "I haven't slept in 24 hours and I'm not safe to drive," or "my disability is flaring up to the point it's literally too painful to sit up, I'm sorry," or "I can't leave my grandparent with dementia by themselves, but let me order you a rideshare because I want you to get there safely." This was "nah, your medical emergency is an inconvenience, sort it out yourself."
Get out before you're legally tied to that man. You aren't safe.
It took me 28 years to understand and accept this with my ex-husband. I finally gave up when I realized that if I didn't leave I was going to die, either at his hands or my own. My next go around only took me 7 years to see I was back in a similar place (a little better than last time, but still emotionally barren). I plan on spending a looooong time uncoupled. Emotionally available men are the exception, not the rule.
Yea it can be tough out there for sure. Only in my 30s and dated so many I really just want to be alone.
They are rare. Me as a man just trying to find emotionally healthy men for friendship is difficult.
But you are the common denominator. Your willingness to accept emotionally unavailable men is the problem. I bet in all the time that you took off from relationships, you never did the work to heal your self love deficit disorder AKA codependency. So the next time you got into a relationship, you were still unhealed and you sought out the same emotionally unavailable partners.
@@ineedhoez You are right. Loooong before I ever got married I was trained in the art of codependency from my mother and father. I watched my father almost kill my mother multiple times, he beat us all during alcholic rages, SA'd me from 8 to 19; all I ever knew was abuse. As terrible as my ex was, he wasn't as bad as my father, not by a long shot.
I am taking as much time as I need to heal my body, mind and spirit. I am working to make sure my past is no longer part of the equation.
@@keithcharles2113Thank you for acknowledging this. As a woman I sometimes wonder how many other men feel this way.
“Wanting to be close to someone doesn’t make you needy it makes you human” 🥹 I needed to hear that.
Me too, genuinely...
Thank you. You explained 8 of my 8.5 years of marriage, trued everything to make it work, felt so alone. He was supposed to be my forever so I wanted it to work so badly, tried and begged him for years to connect with me and work through even the smallest things…got nothing but stonewalling and “you’re the one with the problem”. Finally decided I’m worth more than this, divorce in progress. Thank you for your content😊
What were your problems, which you need help from husband
This is how my wife treats me. Everything is my fault whole she stonewalls and plays the victim.
Best thing that ever happened to me. My ex walked away for someone else and at the time it hurt like hell, but he was an avoidant narcissist and I got my life back. I hope things are going well for you today. ❤
@MelW669 I am living the same nightmare now after 28 years of marriage and 2 grown kids in college. Grateful for my freedom and personal growth, couldn't do it without my therapist and friends 🙏
Your ability to break things down and explain things plainly is remarkable. You empathize and make people accountable at the same time. You help me put words to my hurts and it has given me strength to move away from those that aren’t good for me. God bless you❤
The best part about this is that I just said all of this to my husband yesterday and found this video today. I realized today that God is speaking to me through you validating my experience. They do have a choice and God does believe you are worth it.
This was a little hard to hear. I have been married for 20 years. My daughter is 18 and graduates this year. I have battled with my husband and his aggressiveness for most of our marriage. I had 3 children and he had 1 coming into the marriage. He has always looked for the negative in each of them except his son (he came to live with us just before we married). I have begged for years for him to go to counseling. We recently had a huge blowup and I told him he was leaving after our daughter’s graduation. He started counseling for his anger (he is all mouth- yelling, cussing, name calling, etc). We noticed a huge change in his behavior for about 6 weeks and then he stopped going and he went right back to how he has always been. I’ve only stayed because I thought it was best to keep our family together. Now my daughter tells me she wishes I would have left him a long time ago. She is now in therapy.
Wow this is so sad Amanda. I’m so sorry :(
I have a daughter of 20 and reading this post makes me glad I left q7 years ago. Anger terrifies me. I can listen. There was no need for his anger.
I’m so sorry - leave . 6 months and now back to his old self . After all that time . When your kids tell you they want you to leave . Do it - or they will resent you later ! And your daughter will see she can be strong if she ever gets treated that way
I think counselling can't change people who don't want to change.
Lets acknowledge that "i'm not leaving because of the kids" is just a cowardish excuse for not having the guts to leave....and then u have damaged kids...bravo!
I have tried everything. Counseling, self reflection, reading books, addressing things with I feel when you do this and my spouse checks off all those negative traits. I am trying to leave and cut the cord. Trauma bonding is rough 😢😢😢 Almost 20 years. I am not okay being in this relationship anymore. I've put up with this for too many years and it gets worse not better. Ty for all you do.
If you are dealing with a normal guy, Alison Armstrong has some good information. Basically, equality should not be confused with sameness. We are different and see things differently. If you are dealing with an unhealthy man, this advice will be way less affective.
Have you checked out conflict cure online? That one has helped to change the dynamics of my relationship however I was fortunate coz my hubby was willing to do the exercises with me.
Reading "the proper care and feeding of marriage" and "empowered wife" has been very helpful too.
How are you doing now?
It becomes a psyhological trauma. If the counseling did not understood from day one that your relation and yopur location is affecting you, than they are all in chain with delayed DNA. They all eat shit in the raw, for what ? What is the counceling for, you dont feel a "toatl hate " a total waste of time, you cant realize that you a harm for a person, that your results and consequences brings nothing good and positive out, on a strategic plan speaking-long time. This is long time harm, you are a toxic person, hard to be beared in a disscusion, in a relation ship. How many times you have to be told to leave, to let other live how they want, to not stay in the way of others hapiness, to not insist like a cancer mental ill.
I find "trauma bond" is misused quite A LOT... Can you tell me what it means to you?
He literally just listened to this, identified with it, and turned around and did the exact same thing in less than 24 hours
That’s a goner and I’m so sorry. There’s no fixing that.
Rome wasn't built in a day 🤷🏻♀️
@@mrscuevas71 It's not her job to build Rome alone though.
And Rome certainly won't get built if your building partner keeps tearing things down and undermining the project.
And you're a perfect human who never repeats mistakes? What did he do? Leave the milk out? Uh oh better divorce him!
@@smokingcrab2290 it was orange juice, actually.
I’ve been on the brink for so many years in this relationship, basically gaslighting myself into thinking he will change.
The only times I feel like I’m receiving the love and care I deserve Is when I’m in crisis (loved ones passing or when I’m sick). Every other day, it’s less than the bare minimum of attention out participation on the home.
He has spent **thousands** of hours doing research on his own hobbies and obsessions, and not one on improving our relationship or intimacy challenges.
We have the same fights every few months and very little has changed. I’m bringing some problems into this dynamic, to be sure! But I’m also the only one who’s trying to find a solution, and it’s exhausting trying to make a relationship work on my own while feeling taken for granted and neglected.
I’m a husband and I’m guilty of all this.. as a man I was raised to keep my feelings and emotions to my self cause it’s weakness.
I get in defense mode instantly
I want to be better for my wife
I now ask 'Do I want this for the rest of my life?'. It took me 25 years and 2 marriage counsellors to learn this and to understand that some people will not choose your relationship. Thank you for your videos.
Thank you for holding me accountable and calling me up to be who i am called to be despite the behavior of my husband, while also reminding me nothing is going to change if we continue on this path. Your right i am already alone and I have worth.
I’m so sorry you’re in this spot :(
I need this from my wife. I've felt neglected for years and she says she felt neglected as well. No intimacy at all and it hurts like hell. She had sent videos of yours to me and i blew them off because i thought they would be like everyone else, I was wrong 😮
Hey, thanks for speaking up. I think it's really important for everyone to remember this dynamic doesn't split along gender lines.
Thank you for being open at some point to understanding both of your sides
Remember she just wants to keep her favorite person. This isnt about ego or self worth, its about the worth you give your partner.
Hope it went well for you and you thrive now 🎉
I always had to tell that to people in my life:
"If I am the only one fighting for this relationship, then we have already lost!"
I know, it IS possible to rebuild! But it needs BOTH PEOPLE!
I was with an avoidant. I did everything I could and in the end I realized we were incompatible. He doesn't want to spiritually grow and I do, I realized I needed to move on when his friends attacked me and he had absolutely zero instinct to protect me because of our fractured relationship. Also because he was a coward he was incapable of having any opinions based in reality. It's sad he's a weak man, no wonder he was single till I met him at 27. I didn't pick up on his weaknesses in our long distance relationship, by the time I moved to be with him I was trapped financially.
I'll never try to change a man again. If he's not naturally right for me I'll just stay single. I don't have the energy to deal with a manchild again.
Yes, learning to actually practice this advice now that I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. You can't make someone go to counseling, and even if they do, it may not change them or the problems. They have to want to change first and for themselves, not for you or anyone else. You can stay and wait for some lightbulb moment, but in the meantime, you may not only become miserable but might even become like that selfish person in the relationship, and that's not good for others around you. Don't live in utter brokenness for someone else.
Wow, this comment stood out. Very powerful words.
The most painful part is when their lightbulb moment only comes when you’re finally completely and truly done with them and leave them.
@jessipanda I'm sorry for that pain. I wish that would have at least been the case for my abusive ex, because then I could at least have the comfort of knowing he won't do it to someone else. That is, if there's true change, but the sad truth is almost all abusers do not change.
OMG! The canoe analogy in a relationship is the best analogy I’ve ever heard somebody use to describe a relationship where only one person is doing the work!
If one one person is doing the work, paddling, you’re just going to go in circles!
ever been in a canoe with your partner? they call them divorce boats for a reason. one person can do all the work they want, but if they dont do it correctly, you go in the wrong direction. they then get tired, then get mad at you because you either a) stop helping because you get tired of trying to compensate for them b) stop all together so maybe they will see that you arent the problem c) then do it yourself d) have the cycle repeat in some manor.
10yrs married. like 2-3 canoe trips and 1 kayak trip. not a single time we could get along the entire time.
we needed counseling before we got married, and now with 2 kids, we need it even more.
this shit is hard.
as much as it would be easy to say "i wish i never got married/had kids", while i agree with the sentiment to a degree, i would not have grown as a person if had i not been in this boat that's full of water and wont move forward without alot of effort. i wish i didnt have this long ride back to shore. i either have to paddle and bail water from this boat or get out and swim on my own while holding two kids above water. neither is easy. thanks for letting me vent for a bit.
Thank you, thank you for saying the hard stuff. Thank you for inviting me to ask myself "why do I feel unworthy of being prioitized?" Wow! It's truly is amazing how much we are the creators of our reality. Thank you
This makes me feel good about leaving my husband. I learned so many new skills in communication just for him. I was trying to tackle and beat my negative traits that didn't line up with the moral ideals I created for myself. Once I realized I was feeling alone I left him. He asked why and I said: I feel alone so I might as well be alone. To this day he still doesn't understand. We have be separate/divorced for over a decade. He looks happy in his current relationship and she seems to have a lot of loving family who can meet a lot of her emotional needs. Me and his other wives didn't have much support so we had more needs to be met and I think it was too much for him since he didn't even seem in touch with his own feelings how the hell was he going to be supportive of someone who was feeling too much due to PTSD in childhood.
Sounds like you put a huge expectation on him to be your emotional stability from your own past traumas.
No shame or attack here, but you need to resolve your emotional traumas and not expect someone else to be your foundation. Thats a revipe for trouble
@@ArthurMorgansDeadHorse no I asked him to go to therapy with me because our communication broke down and I wanted to learn how to communicate better as a team. That is what I asked. I understood I needed my own personal therapy. But I asked my husband to help support me and get started because I was having a hard time. Just like how he asked for my help to reconnect with her daughter from his first marriage and I supported that and we moved half way across the country. How about ask more clarifying questions before you assume.
@@ArthurMorgansDeadHorse I left him and helped myself alone. I was always going to put the work in on myself. But he clearly thought I was faking it all fully well knowing that my own mother in her high and drink state pulled a gun on me because she hated me for being the child of my father (something I had no choice or say about).
Again I asked my husband for HELP not hey fix me. Hey help me start since the depression is so hard on me I have no will. If that's too much emotional support then something is clearly wrong with him. I supported him with all the choices he made. And every time he asked for my help I supported him. But when it was my turn I was too needy?
Huge expectation my fucking ass. This isn't an attack but I'm gonna assume you are the problem.
You have described the dance of my 42-year marriage, which I finally ended 3 years ago. I admit that I was the anxiously attached and he was so very avoidant. Divorcing him was instigated by a traumatic event involving our daughter. Over the past few years, I've learned so much about myself and all the things you talk about but until this happened I didn't understand the dance and why it was happening. And I realized that in those 42 years, I was not his priority. His work, his family, and then our daughter came before me. Now that I understand, it is difficult to deal with the tension between owning my part of the dance, not having the language or knowledge to express my needs and his not changing the stonewalling, the denial of not prioritizing me without blame-shifting. It feels almost impossible to do, especially since he is and has always been a psychotherapist. In other words, how do I accept my share of the blame without blaming him for his inability to put my needs first? It doesn't matter with him now, except for my own peace of mind, but I do pray to have another "real" relationship someday.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Your partner should be #1, have priority above all else (except kids). I cannot understand how people can put a career above their partner, I find it so selfish. Just inherently selfish.
Any woman that complains that their husband focuses too much on his career is super suspicious 🤨! I’ve seen many of women complain about this while tracking their Amazon purchases.
I love your videos!!! The way you analyze relationships is how I was in my first marriage. I'd map out graphs and diagrams of our fights to try and figure out where things were going wrong!
I was told it was me and I began to believe it was me 😢
It wasn't.
Well, it was in the sense that my self esteem was non existent and I had no boundaries and was terrified of upsetting him....
I am now remarried to a grown up adult man who is patient and kind, who I can talk to about _anything_ without fear of being yelled at or shut down. 14 years with the first one and he never prioritized me.
2nd hubby does! We prioritize one another ❤
I quit my old codependent patterns and later that left me available when the right guy finally showed up in my life. Now I've been married to the best husband on earth for over ten years. He's gentle, patient, kind, loving, etc...
Damn.Thank you so so so much for making this video!!!! This video just completely described my marriage over the last 13 years. I just finally told him I cant do it anymore. Im 53 years old, scared, have health issues and havent worked in over a year and no secure place to go..and yet I KNOW this has to happen if im going to survive as a human. ❤
And you will.
God be with you.
@@sandraramirez7495 thank you!
Proud of you! You will survive and ultimately thrive.
I am same age as you & have same fears. It's the main reason I stay.
My wife and I are in that spot. We are in counseling but also have talked about divorce. If she thought she could leave and still live a good lifestyle, I'm sure she would've left by now. If there were no financial considerations in divorce a lot of marriages would end tomorrow.
Well that sums up the last 18 years of my life exactly. Then I left. And now I’m healing but I didn’t realize how painful letting the anger out and accepting I’d lost 18 years of my life would be but it’s setting me free. I pray that I’m healed enough to run the first red flag I see if there’s ever a next time. Thank you Jimmy.
My absolute favourite post Jimmy, ringing all the bells! Thank you & so grateful how you explain this so well. In a 23 year relationship (13:years married) to a man I have tried in every way to show me some level of depth & connection only to be met with stone walls, blaming & silence. I know what I need to do.
There are words in this video that felt like stones adding up on my chest. The cycle, the "but I'm doing xyz, and he's doing nothing", all the way to now, trying to understand my pieces in this puzzle too. Seeing how I fell into a rabbit hole of bitterness and passive aggression that destroyed my ability to ACTUALLY use give and take communication, listening to podcasts on boundaries and self accountability. Highlighting sections that were painful realities like being a martyr and falling into my own traps of manipulation because I'm at my wits end just trying to have a functional day in my relationship. To hear the one that hurts the most, alone. I told him finally when he was about to put in overtime, we are at the end. Not as a threat, but a reality check that THIS can't continue, especially in limbo for weeks while he's gone. He didn't take the overtime...but this lightbulb moment I expected over the weekend, never happened. He was with the kids, he wasn't isolated all day, he didn't lose his temper. I wanted more. I wanted my friend back, I wanted touch, I had expectations he wasn't ready to meet and I saw myself in a very ugly way become the unappreciative impatient problem as soon as I saw him pick up his oar. I wanted to win the race without encouraging him to start, thanking him for turning us around. Heck I even can admit that I clicked this because I wanted him to listen to something on emotional maturity so we don't backslide at our next counseling appointment, and its ME burning the whole canoe. Thank you for your videos, if I choose to share one with him this week, it will only be because it strengthens us both, not blames. Remember everyone, if you know your partner has a truly good heart, don't rush them on their rebound. 10/10 this video hurt my feelings, and I needed that 👍
My husband will yell and scream at me, call me out of my name, and then a few hours later ask me if I need anything. Lol as if nothing ever happened. I am pregnant, emotional about baby, marriage and other things. He will always let me cry. Its like its a reward for him. He achieved watching me breakdown and suffer. I could never treat him the way he has treated me.
I’m so sorry this happening to you right now. Sending hugs your way.
Sounds bipolar
I'm sorry for the child that now has to grow up in a dysfunctional household because of the choices two adults made.
@alexialira3839 girl, you could've saved that smart ass insensitive comment. I feel sorry for you for trying to be a smart-ass cause I caught it.
Men live to see women cry. It makes them feel powerful.
You know what worked for me when I faced that problem?
I basically said “I’m going to tell you something, and this is what I need you to say after.”
It may not be as authentic as I wanted but what actually happened was they saw a totally different way that conversation COULD go. I MODELLED healthy communication.
How are you now? My husband isn’t a bad guy. I think he really tries..for a couple days. But it always goes back to the same cycle of him absorbed with work and time feel like I don’t exist. 17 years going through this cycle of me trying to communicate, him reacting and I feel worse, then him trying and forgetting and I feel worse. I feel like I should appreciate that he’s loyal, hard-working, even supportive, but after years of telling myself I can’t change him only me, my self-image is in the toilet.
@@AlinaTowersI feel like I wrote this. Things have been shaken up in our marriage, but he says he's trying now. I guess he is. At least he listens more now and his actions have changed a bit for the positive. Decades of conditioning takes a lot of work on his part to change.
Brilliant. He was responding with what he knew. You provided another option that helps build on healthier communication
I tried that. He says "I was GOING to say that, you didn't give me a chance!" He found the chance to respond with a whole bunch of defensive invalidating blame shifting before I said anything, though.
🤦♀️🙄
I tried that and he snapped at me to stop nitpicking his wording…
There are so many gems of wisdom in your videos, but this one in particular I need to listen to repeatedly, especially the ending, I am taking notes! There is so much to reflect on and digest. I am coming to terms that my relationship may not be salvagable and I may need to walk away, you help give me the words to what I am experiencing and that helps me gain strength. I am almost 60 years old and leaving at this juncture in life without a good retirement plan (stay at home mom) and financial stability is rather scary, but living in a souless, neglegtful, toxic environment is a whole other kind of poverty that I just can't live with anymore....thanks for sharing, you help so many!!!
I’m so so sorry you’re in that situation Melinda :(
I have this problem. I came from a household where my mom was the breadwinner and my dad was the house husband so to speak. Growing up i heard people call me and my siblings "spoiled brats" or couldn't believe we talked to our parents "that way"
When the reality is we lived in a household that encouraged open communication and discussions. Yes, Mom had the final word on things, but we always felt safe to argue or express our opinions on things one way or another.
Currently I'm living with my boyfriend who clearly had a different upbringing. I still feel free to express my opinions without restraint but if it differs from his, he says I'm attacking him or I'm disrespecting him
I finally had to sit him down and explain to him slowly that what he sees as disrespectful, is simply me expressing my thoughts. I had to explain to him that I was raised to have open discussions and that it's okay to argue about things. He didn't like it but I think he finally kind of is starting to understand that just because he's the "man of the house" doesn't mean we have to quietly submit nor would I ever. I think some people were raised a certain way and just believe that if they're the house owner then all should bow down without question or something idk I wouldn't know I didn't have that upbringing haha
Well articulated/delivered/edited, as always. I'm in a very 3+-year healthy relationship--FINALLY!-lujah!--but I watch your videos because they're incredibly validating regarding my past poor choices in relationships. Also, the UA-cam shorts where you play the couple and sometimes also a therapist and switch back and forth in the same vid - so entertaining!
I applaud you for the self-examination and healing you pursued in your marriage and that you did something positive in the difficult challenge of that situation by creating this channel 👏🏻
The key part of this helpful video is in the first 20 seconds of the video. How to communicate to your partner in a "HEALTHY" way. It's learning a new language sometimes. Always and Never are regular words in my vocabulary that triggers my spouse!
Trying to better on my part which is the only thing I can control.
Love this!
Jimmy you are so spot on with advice. I wish I heard this 10 years ago and missed years of hurt. Now at last we are following this advice and are very happy. My husband and I look at you videos daily
Aww it warms my heart that you watch the videos together! Good for you both!❤😊
Thank you for sharing this. So much truth. I ended a relationship recently with someone i loved, that i beleived had so much potential with the positive elements of the relationship but was toxic when it came to conflict. Expressing my feelings, even in a non blaming healthy way and being willing to explore both sides would result in defensive and aggressive behavior that he wasnt willing to or didnt know how to change. This even occured when the emotional support I needed was for problems in other areas of my life. My feelings were my problem, and mine alone. I tried for 3 years to change the way i approached issues, tried to understand him or him to underatand me with little progress. Not being able to share my feelings was one problem, but he also didnt feel safe sharing his. He avoided potential conflict until I shared something he percieved as being told he was bad or wrong, and then would explode with a combination of real issues and false accusations to avoid addressing whatever i was trying to communicate with him. Shifting to address his concerns wasnt helpful for him either and left me feeling neglected and more alone with him than without. The good times could never be enough to compensate for the abandonment i experienced when i was already struggling. The impact of those "betrayals" made me to realize the relationship could never be more than superficial if it wasnt a safe place to share our feelings. Life fills the space you make in your heart when you let go of things that are not meant for you. I feel like myself again. Knowing i did what i could to try to make it work builds me up because THAT is reflective of my character. One person cannot carry the relationship alone. I am ready to give the right person the love i also deserve to receive.
Thank you for candidly sharing your journey. Your description is a powerful example of what too many women are going through. I hope you find true happiness.
Wow, your testimony is beautiful
sounds exactly like my ex....i have low tolerance for this kind of shat
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in a similar position now. We so enjoy each other’s company until conflict arises then I just find myself more alone and my emotions invalidated than ever before. How did you find the strength to leave?
I have no way out. It went on to long. I screamed and yelled to stop hurting me. It was the perfect storm. They all used my Love to steal my soul. Just would not care. I just couldn't fathom someone doing what they did. I am not worthy. No one ever made me feel worthy. I was a pure soul. I am ending as soon as I can. No hope is the worse. Please get out before your soul is completely dead. You can do it. You are stronger then you know. I am tired so tired.
I am in a relationship for 10 years now and he is very caring and I can trust him, but he is a perfectionist and when I feel hurt he also says I am too sensitive and gets angry so that I really don't know if I should go or stay. I do a lot of self work and had to change as well but I feel so hurt and angry in those Situation. On the other hand he is so reliable that I don't know if I really shoule go and leave...
Ask yourself if it is better to start over now, or 20 years from now when you are really dependent on him???
He sounds so reliable, like telling you that you’re too sensitive, you need to get over it. He’s moved on, why can’t you? You want him to be nicer and he wants you to fight meaner, because that’s what adults do.
You're so right . It took me so many years to realize I was allowed to ask for what I needed, and more years to find the words and the courage to tell my husband what I need.
He didn't take it well, and that's not all on him, he was blind-sided, like you said. And he's trying to make me feel like he cares - do more things around the house, take on tasks when I need help. But he refuses counseling, thinks "actions speak louder than words", and so avoids actually talking. I feel like he wants to try, but wants to do it his way - which leaves me feeling again like I'm not being fully heard. I know this goes both ways - I just don't know if we can reconnect in the ways we both need.
Listening to Jimmy's videos and talking about them would have been a HUGE, relationship-changing help in my past marriage...WAY more helpful than any of the several counselors we tried. Maybe give it a go over his favorite meal or dessert.
Thank you Jimmy! Seriously!
I'm very recently not in my relationship anymore, I wish I had known this 10 years ago, I couldve saved myself all the grief.
Jimmy, you have helped me understand that I'm not a monster, we just didn't work together. 💕
You are helping so many! I think your videos really make sense in helping my husband and I in our marriage issues. Very very well done!
This is Spot ON, Jimmy! When my husb and i have an argument, I check in with myself to see what role I played. Prior to becoming self-aware, i would not have been able to do that. ❤❤
My ex left me because this was our relationship, and he told me it was all my fault. I ended up being so shut down i couldnt leave the bedroom.
I cried so much listening to this video. An emotional part of me still wants to be with him. The rational, adult part of me knows that he cant even begin to offer me what i want and need. It hurts so fkg much.
Thanks for your honesty, Jimmy. I appreciate you.
After some time and distance, you won't even feel anything about this person who has hurt you so much and broke your heart
Spent 10 years in an emotionally neglectful and, honestly, abusive relationship, all the while hoping I could love him into changing. I had myself convinced that if he could finally see what a loving and supportive partner I was that he'd have the safety to grow out of his immaturity and learn to trust and love in return. Eventually things got violent and I had to prioritize our kids over the hope he'd get better. No matter what excuses you're making for your partner, you're worth a better life. Codependent Anonymous meetings, talk to your friends and family, and have the guts to live. You're worth it.
Same! I had this idea that if I showed my partner as much love and respect as I could, maybe he would love me back in time...then later I lower my expectations to hope that one day he would at least like me...then I lowered them to hope that he would at least respect me...then I lowered them again to hope that one day he would at least tolerate me...none of that ever happened.
1 year later from the breakup, I'm happy and he's miserable. Oh well!
@@terryvalleryii2721I experienced this too. That is the best explanation I’ve ever seen for how the dynamic degrades over time. To where we lower our standards so far, we are willing to accept being tolerated just to maintain some shred of affection. Omg it’s literal insanity. I’m sure my last ex already had the next poor sucker lined up before I was even out of the picture. I saw a new lady’s name start showing up on his social media. Good luck to her.
It's more important for him to win the fight than to have peace.
Right here is the problem. Bet he feels the same way.
@@tslilbearshoppe9870 I'm a woman and I'm competitive 🤷♀. I know a lot of competitive women. It's probably not about winning deep down, it's about feeling safe. The same for you.
It's more important for you to blame him than take responsibility
@tslilbearshoppe9870 Girl howdy are you wrong. There's no measuring contest like women's measuring contests.
@@TheAsvarduilProject Ah yes, gender stereotypes, the answer to all relationship problems.
Oh thank goodness you ended this video the way you did. I used to get triggered by the concept that it takes two to tango. That I needed to look at my role. I had exhausted every change I could possibly make. I had tried every possible way to open conversation, and regardless of how I handled myself in those conversing, he simply refused to participate. Ultimately I took responsibility for my contribution to the toxicity, and left. Best decision I ever made for both of us and our kids. ❤️
This is one of the few marriage videos where it is made clear that if the other person needs to change but doesn't then you need to think clearly about what do about staying in the relationship.
Yeah, I married to a covert narcissist, and I’m a therapist and I definitely know how to connect and communicate my feelings. There is nothing correct that you can say to somebody like this that is not praise that they won’t take as criticism. They don’t want to hear that you’re not happy because they don’t have the ego strength to realize that it’s not a personal attack it’s asking for change. it’s trying to work out problems together. Trying to talk to a narcissistic husband is like talking to a dog and expecting them to understand English.
Damn! That's a slap on the ❤!
I'll just humble myself and process what I've heard.
So much wisdom and educational communication. 🙌🏽
You transmitted more courage than a man running after a lion!
I'm grateful for this content.
You have to own that you chose someone who isn’t completely healthy. That’s what I have done. Relationships with people who don’t care about your feelings don’t work. Either they fall apart or you are eternally miserable. Work on yourself and let go of people who are content being toxic.
we were fooled and lied to. they acted great while dating.
@katjongeward7155 everyone hides their flaws while dating. If you think uou were fooled, so were they. Nobody is perfect and everyone has toxic traits and reactions sometimes. People always show you who they really are if you take the time to actually pay attention. But most of us get so wrapped up that we see and promptly ignore the red flags, especially when we are on the high of NRE.
@katjongeward7155 No, you fooled yourself and lied to yourself.
You didn't take your time to get to know them. You decided to ignore red flags or your gut feeling. You didn't fix your self esteem issues or any childhood traumas that made you attracted to and keep someone like him.
Similarity breeds liking. Both of you have unresolved issues and that's why you were magnets to each other. If you keep pointing the finger at others, you will choose someone else that's exactly like him or you'll end up single, but the type of single that is bitter and starts telling younger ones to not trust men/women, that they're all the same and start telling others to leave their spouses over the most insignificant thing.
I've made dumb decisions in dating when I was in my early 20s. I always put the blame on the guy. Then I grew up, matured and realized: a. Bad people will always exist and b. I was choosing them. I was choosing to stay. I took responsibility for my actions and began a quest to heal myself. It's not an overnight thing.
Now I can spot a toxic individual a mile away and haven't entertained any in years. It's so liberating to no longer play the victim card.
The reason why you chose somebody who was unhealthy is because you are unhealthy too!!!! Healthy people don't stay in relationships where their needs are not getting met!!! The reality is that the giver / codependent / self-love deficit disorder suffer, does not love themselves enough and they are terrified of being alone. They'd rather stay in an abusive situation then be alone. That's the real.
@@katjongeward7155and when they revealed their true colors, why did you stay?
My ex-wife would wall off and push me away but then complain that I didn’t open up more with her. Then, when I would try to share or be vulnerable, she would say “Is this the face of someone who cares?! No! Talk to someone else.” So glad we’re done, but sad that she doesn’t see how her actions and attitude affect others as well as how her actions and attitude are directly affecting her health.
Ugh...
Because she probably has this stage in her cicle were you suppose to go throw her rejection to prove she can trust you and open up or she has no healthy way to give this previous bad feeling away other than pushing them into you.
It might help if you put your vulnerability away for that period and let her push a little because than she might calm down and actually talk.
So you initiate, close down for a while and let her throw things into shell, then open up and try to talk again.
Or even apologize.
Not trying to say you did it wrong, just giving some point of view on different patterns.
May be it help.
Wow what a vicious, brutal thing to say. These stories are so heartbreaking.
This is so true. Makes me sad that people do not own their side of things. Nobody has to be right or wrong, just heard and understood. I'm always very open to how my actions made my now ex feel but she would not listen to my feelings and in turn when I tried to talk to her she would pull away and create distance. This would make me pull in and then she would create more distance. This could have been worked though just by talking. Makes me very sad as I love her so much but I can not be in a relationship where we can not sit down and have a real conversation. I would do anything to work on a relationship but I feel that people now a days would rather walk away than work on their traumas together. Always after the first high and when things get real they feel its easier to walk away. Then just repeat, repeat, repeat. People try harder in the jobs, looking good and on social media than they do in their relationships. So sad.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME GET OUT OF A DEAD END RELATIONSHIP!!!
I deserve and need better. I am currently single. It was PAINFUL letting go. And I'm glad I did. I deserve better.
YOU CAN DO IT LADIES!! FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS. BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS HAPPY TO MEET THEM AND COMMIT TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOU. RVEN IF THAT PERSON IS YOUR CAT.
"I'm not going to fight alone". Absolutely. There's only so long you can be the only one fighting for this relationship.
I’m still here because I’m 8 months pregnant. He knows what I need and want, because he says it of his own accord during therapy, but he chooses not to follow through.
I will not live this way forever.
If you bring your child into this relationship, the child will not benefit from it. Get out as soon as you can.
This same sort of thing happened to me. He was able to fully understand where he was falling short and completely aware of how his failure to meet me halfway (Hell, even meet me 5% of the way) was breaking my heart...but he told me that it was an active choice he was making to not reciprocate the respect I was showing him. To know that I let a stranger who drew his self-worth from tearing me down sleep in my bed for years still makes me sick. I wish I had more self-respect to leave him as soon as he told me that I deserve respect, just not from him. To try to comfort me, he even went as far as to tell me how much he enjoys the things I do for him and that he hopes I find someone one day that is willing to do the same for me. What a piece of trash. It's now 1 year later from the break up. I haven't seen or spoken to him and, Lordy, I have never been happier!
Women put a lot more than is necessary on a man. If he is going to work, providing and being polite at dinner and meeting the minimum at your birthday/anniversary, I’d call that a win. Women need more female relatives and friends at home to support their emotional needs instead of expecting men to do it.
@@Foxie770 I can agree to this. A lot of women expect men to be everything for them. All i have ever expected from him is to be my partner and act like he wants a relationship with me instead of treating me like a roommate.
This is the best video I have seen on this topic. Last year I left my partner after seventeen years of trying, years of counselling and courses and still only making the tiniest steps forward. He said it was always something with me and that every time he did something for me I raised the bar. I couldn’t get the bar off the ground and now I’m working on breaking the trauma bond because I still feel like I care. 😢
Same, it’s a never ending cycle. I’ve pleaded with my husband to go to counseling for YEARS and he refuses saying I’m the one with the problems. It’s impossible to work with someone like that.
Your right. I've been stuck in this toxic cycle almost 2 decades. I have neglected and betrayed myself as much as they have in doing so. Hope is great, until it isn't.
Whenever I wonder about dating again, I think I should just come back to this video. It’s a good reminder about why I’m better off alone alone and not alone together.
This is why it's so critical to make a wise choice when getting married.
I think there is a lot of fear that there are not men out there that know how to respect, pursue, kindness, etc. I’m married to a man that the vast majority of people would describe as an incredibly kind and wonderful person and he can be! But what someone looks like from outside of a relationship isn’t always what it looks like from the inside. He is finally in counseling this year and trying EMDR and there is hope. We’ve done counseling together too and it’s usually helpful for awhile. We’ll probably do it again soon as well but I felt this past year we weren’t going to get further without doing some self work.
I have no fear of knowing there are few men who are emotionally and mentally mature - I have several immature men in my family. It is what it is. Just praying God gives me the strength and discernment to keep avoiding these types of folks and to take care of myself.
My husband and I did EMDR for non- marriage issues. ( Our marriage was and still is great. ) The EMDR was helpful, as well as attending a 12 - step group and reading their books.
Would love a video that explains why when you talk about feelings or cry they go dead pan, or turn away? How they can listen to you cry yourself to sleep?
That’s a good idea. Stonewalling can be so destructive :(
My ex-husband would just say "That's not going to work on me" when our arguments resulted in my tears. The pain that brought me to tears was just dismissed as a manipulation tool. It just made him shut down and ignore me. I'm so glad I left that marriage. No regrets. I've never been as happy and personally content as I am now, single at 58 years old.
If a man has never been exposed to healthy female interactions - AKA a terrible mother and/or sister - he likely only knows women crying as a manipulation tool. Thus instead of learning how to properly communicate with women, he's stuck with only knowing how to communicate with men, and men see crying as weakness in other men, so when he sees you cry, he as only two buckets to place crying into "weakness" or "manipulation". If that is all he knows, it's impossible for him to see your crying as genuine hurt, because he doesn't cry when he's hurt, only children do that, and your not a child, so that won't register.
As to why he can ignore you crying yourself to sleep, from his perspective he doesn't have a choice. Men have to be able to put up with crap and just proceed with life as if nothing happened. From your perspective, you are devastated crying yourself to sleep. From his perspective you are just trying to be annoying and emotionally nagging. Tuning you out is the easiest thing to do, and he knows you'll "give up" eventually and fall asleep.
Is it right? No, but he likely has no other means of processing your behavior. You also can't teach him when you are upset, that conversation has to be had when everyone is emotionally sober. And if you can't talk to him when you are both emotionally sober, I really have to ask why you married him in the first place. THAT is a massive red flag.
@@shannonrowland6803 I've been dealing with this exact nightmare for 25 years
My husband always walked away at the first tear. I know now it was because he was in foreign territory and had no idea how to help. He’d go into a shame spiral about what a terrible husband he was which only kept him focused on himself and unable to be there for me. He needs to learn “imago”.
Thank you! You speak truth. So validating for me...this was my past relationship and it was when I realized that I mattered, I had the courage to leave. He was unwilling to hear anything I had to say or make any change for YEARS!
"When ___ happened, I felt ___ and this is what I need to feel emotionally safe in this relationship in the future..."
Brilliant!!
I've never commented on one of your videos before, but WOW!!! ❤️ I HAVE SUCH A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF RESPECT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!!! Tell it like it is💞
I understood I had to get out when I realised after NINE YEARS this person never loved me. He was using me as
therapist/humpfurniture/punching bag. I want to relationship therapy by myself because I wanted this to work and he refused to come with me. I thought if I changed, he would change. I matured, he stayed way behind and got more and more agressive as I grew. When he started to become violent I had to flee the house.
I saw him at the supermarket a couple of days ago. He still doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends with him at least. I told him people I call friends would never treat me like that. He called me a selfish B and I got to walk away knowing he hadn't changed and it took me too long to get away from this person. But I did it. And I did change the way I treat others in that one sided relationship therapy. It helped a lot.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear a MAN say that I'm worthy of all of those things. I've been asking my pastor to say that, as a child of God, I'm worthy of those things. He won't say it because (I think) that he can't imagine that my husband (who he thinks he knows) would tell me otherwise. I actually said "this isn't sustainable" TWO FREAKING YEARS ago. If I step outside of this relationship I can so clearly see what "wife" should do (should-based on my moral/value framework). I finally heard, "no, you're not crazy" from someone this week and it felt like something inside me became fortified or strengthened. This video did the same thing. Thank you for saying what I know are basic truths. I'm finally ready to stand firm in them. (If that makes sense.)
Most pastors have zero clues in how to do marriage counselling.
You are right. It needs kindness, compassion, empathy and compassion
It took some very harsh words from a male friend for me to finally wake up. I suffered through a period of time where it was brought to my attention I had dissociative amnesia and then diagnosed with PTSD for things that happened when I was young. I "married my abuser" essentially. Through that period I was dismissed, told I had mental problems not like anyone in his family (alcoholic father to start), I was gaslite, he turned me against my family it was awful, but I stayed. He had put his hands on me a few times also. My life was one repeating cycle of shame. I've been in therapy for years, he went for a while, and it was suggested we see therapists separately, but all he did was complain about me. I never did enough, I never made enough money which was the crux of a lot of the issues. We have 4 kids and I worked part time and then some throughout the marriage. He went back to school and I supported him. He lost job after job and I worked more, still taking care of kids and doing the majority of the chores and cooking. Only now that the kids are older and 2 years of divorce proceedings has he taken interest in doctors and dental appointments, school events or conferences, etc. He lies continously about me to my kids, it's awful. I have to move out because it's his house which he's always thrown in my face. Enough is enough and I need to care for my own emotional, physical, and mental well being. Let this be a lesson, some people are not capable of self improvement. I know my faults, but if no one is willing to listen to you, then there's a problem.
💯 I understand you... Although we care so deeply, they make it adamantly clear that they do not.. So hurtful. I took care of him in his time of need. Mine left on a business trip when I was in the hospital having seizures/medical issues (I would have gone to help as we work together, but he just left letting me know that he was mad that I kept him awake vomiting (nobody wants to be sick. I didnt do it to myself, yet he was mad at me like I did it to him, not that it was happening to me!) he didnt believe me, therefore punished me with abandonment👌, he understands my childhood issues with my mostly absent mother who used to ditch her kids whenever or leave my father..) then had the nerve to text my father that I was faking my illness, the illness which is painfully real, & he cant be bare to be around.. 🤦♀️ No consideration.. full neglect. My parents were not a good example of marriage, but yet they are appalled at how I "let him treat me"... Sorry to ramble, I'm sending love your way - I feel for you all going through this, we all deserve so much better 💌
He's a friggin' putz.
Jimmy, I needed this video so badly. Thank you for reminding me that I’m human, and I deserve and need better. I followed the steps you describe. Unfortunately, my husband chose to leave instead of fight for our relationship. So we are getting divorced, but because of videos like these I am ok with that. I know I did everything I could, and was willing to continue to try, but not with someone who wouldn’t prioritize me. I don’t feel the shame I would have felt if it weren’t for videos like this one.
And now my one gripe… you don’t row a canoe! A canoe is paddled. I’m a rowing coach, so it’s a personal pet peeve of mine. I love the idea of what you were trying to say there. Just don’t spread the false idea that you row facing the direction you’re traveling.
This is free therapy for everybody ,bless your hearts
Indeed!
OUTSTANDING!!! everything about this video is spot on! As the woman who has done this for years and is now in counseling together with my husband to try and make the changes needed to keep the relationship, i love everything you said. You deserve a book deal or an award or something because this was absolutely stellar and i can thank you enough for putting it out to the world. stay strong to weather the angry comments because we need you out there!
Yes! “Whether you’re doing it unintentionally or not doesn’t matter at this point”… so good.
Thank you so much for explaining from a professional angle what so many have tried to illustrate. Often times we are labeled dramatic for saying exactly so, but you have given us confidence that reality is such as you described. Thank you!
I know Those labels hurt :(
OMG, you spoke directly to me here, Jimmy. I'm grateful though to hear you describe so many things that I am experiencing now. It made me feel understood and reflect even further. But still, I've heard from the man I love immensely that he doesn't have the energy to get over his 'anger issues.' He says he loves me, but not enough to let go of anything he wants to do... and things like that. How can I still want to be with him? How can I love someone who neglected me and felt no remorse, worse even, someone who said he would do it again? Do I not love myself? I thought I did, but how can I love him still, if not because I don't love myself? I think I have my reasons; I think I know the answer, but I must be wrong... everything tells me I'm wrong. But still, I love him and I'm willing... Today he went away, took all the colors along. Now I feel hurt, alone, wronged, angry, unloved, but mostly sad. What began as a thank you note is ending almost as sad as me... So if you'd be so kind, please tell me, how can I still want to be with him?
Leaving my husband was the best decision I ever made.
If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
Remember ALWAYS
this process is all about YOU!!!
Not him. He is just a catalyst.
Consider,
he may be your twin flame.
Look into that.
After he initiated your trauma,
you're now left to heal all that comes up.
Major advice!!!
Listen closely!!!
NEVER ever CHASE HIM.
He will run further and you will lose yourself more.
You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess.
You just, be and approve who comes along.
It's a yes: you meet my requirements,
or: a no, you do not.
Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner
and DO NOT settle for less
(or you just delay what's meant for you).
Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up.
It's all human, and in need of your attention.
If you push it away, block it, or run from it...
You will just have to deal with it later...
1) Put yourself first and foremost!
2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl.
Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself.
3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities.
And,
Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief:
1. Find the belief...
2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief
3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having belief
If you can NOT
find advantages
then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!!
When you finally see both sides...
Your mind will STOP thinking about it
'cause it’ll be rewired.
So you gotta keep at it,
until you find the positive
to the negative...
And therefore, ultimately
rewire your brain!
AND REMEMBER:
STOP making it all about manifestation
when really it's actually all about vibration!
Love to see a video on "do what you say" - a man of integrity. If he says he will do something - do it. When you say you won't do that anymore - don't. He is emotionally dead/disconnected and unsafe. On counselor #4, read several books, watched and taken notes on around 200 videos, goes to church and a weekly men's group. Knows the "words" just no clue what they mean.
I took a course to stop the fights. First advice was to stop saying bad things. This doesn't mean I dont feel angry. So many times I dont attack back, I shut up, but is obviously visible I am not very happy and I am upset. AND HE GETS ANGRY THAT I AM ANGRY!!! IT IS NIGHTMARE. I feel in a emotional prison getting tortured for my inner feelings
Men feel like women don't have the right to be angry. Case in point...I got angry at work. Coworker said, if you keep acting like that you won't have any friends. I point blank asked him why he didn't shame his male coworkers when they got angry. He saw my point and apologized.
He’s not dismissing me most of the time any more. But he’s still not prioritizing me consistently. He does it for a couple weeks then stops. It’s SO amazing when he does! We get VERY close and it feels SO good I want it all the time! But he almost always pulls away when I need just a little more. So I feel like it’s my fault. If I were just grateful for the two weeks of good and didn’t need more we would seem to have a blissfully happy love life. 23 years btw and I love him for life.
So is all having a half- time partner all you deserve?
It's great he's making progress, not so much that he has a cycle of relapsing. How long has that been going on? At a certain point it's a choice, not just a reaction. I'm sure you've likely talked to him about it, but it doesn't sound like you're getting through. Has he got some unresolved trauma he needs to work through? Partner counseling might help, or personal therapy for him might help, but he's got to make the choice to actively engage for him to make progress. Not just do it for awhile just to make you stop talking about it. I won't reiterate Jimmy's point since he made it so eloquently, but I wish you happiness, no matter where you have to find it.
20 years of asking him to care about my feelings and him saying that all i was saying was he was a piece of shit. Him never taking it seriously for more than a couple days.
I learned how to see it, that i was dying of thirst and yet returning to a dry well. It's not even his fault it's dry, not completely. The patriarchy does untold damage to men too... by not encouraging them to have emotional maturity. But it doesn't matter why the well is dry... I'll die of thirst just the same.
I learned to defend my boundaries, get my needs met best as i can in other ways, and i moved out. I still care about him, encourage him, offer him assistance... but it's so good to be able to "go home" whenever I'm disrespected and don't feel like giving any more.
I've sent him your videos, Jimmy... and it first he got super defensive and was complaining why would he watch a bunch of videos that just said he was a piece of shit... And I said that's funny because the videos are primarily about the fact that he thought exactly that, that you used the same words he always uses about himself . after a few days he finally watched the videos and he told me he liked the way you talked and he thought they were good. So, it was nice to see a glimmer of change in him...i don't think we will ever have a marriage and I'm ok with that. I mourned it years ago. But anything that helps him grow to be healthier and happier, I'm grateful for. Thank you for your videos Jimmy
I'm 55 years old and you have put words to my feelings. I understand very clearly now how I got to where I am and what I need to do about it. Thank you for using your gifts to help others. It's changed me.
Well said. The hardest lessons for me to learn was u can't force someone to keep their word, you can never behave well enough to be treated well, and changing your spouse would not change the original wound that influenced your skewed perception and expectations. You must nurture yourself bc no one CAN do it for you.
My husband of 12 years is addicted to electronics and started taking on meetings for where he used to work, spends more time on Facebook with his so called friends. There are a lot of family dynamics. I am his 4th wife. My husband is selfish and only thinks of his needs and not mine. I have tried so many times to get him to understand what I needed from him. He blames me for our martial problems. Go figure. Like I said I am his 4 th wife, figure it out. HE IS THE PROBLEM.
I'm reading a lot of comments about this video "helping" people to be okay leaving their relationship. I'm only reading a few comments about anyone who was able to navigate through this challenge (as either the anxious or avoidant). I'd like to hear more success stories, as I need hope, as we ARE taking baby steps and I have hope, not just despair 🥰
2 years ago, I had hope. I realized I'm not being heard but I didn't want to end the relationship. But, I knew I needed space. So I moved out and did long-distance. I thought that the distance might make the heart fonder. 10 months in, a fight turned particularly ugly and they refused to contact me for a fortnight! That gave me quite the scare. But also made me think, maybe it wasn't so bad to lose them after all.
A year ago, I moved back in. Because I still had hope. I let them take me to therapy and treat me like I needed to be fixed.
Six months ago, the therapist told them down and explained that it was against his ethics. That his job was to help people who sought it, not fix people who didn't need fixing. So if they need help, they should seek it instead of asking for me to fixed. That was the last time they set eyes on that therapist.
Now, I no longer have the energy to work on this relationship. Because I'm the only one rowing. But I still have hope. Because they said they want to row the boat with me, just that our rowing styles are very different.
I plan to move out again soon. I need to nurse myself to strength. I need to care for myself. I need to build my social support system. I need to find my joy again. Once I feel strong enough, I will try again to communicate. I don't know when that will be. But I will always have hope.
I'm sorry, but that's the best hope I can give you.
This is pure gold! That’s the answer to all relationship questions I ever had. Thank you! ❤
This was how my ex husband responded to me expressing my feelings every single time. Eventually I had to stop sharing and ultimately stop feeling. Needless to say I eventually left. I now leave a happy peaceful life seeing a more emotionally supportive person. I now know however that I can be alone as well… i was alone for a few years before meeting the new person. Even the new person sometimes gets defensive when i express my feelings but he’s a little more self aware. He’ll realize it and try to fix it. My ex always held on to his ego as if he was holding on for his life.
My favorite video by far. This video speaks volumes. I experienced a marriage like this for over 20 years…I finally made the painful decision to get on the other side of this type of treatment. To stop playing the victim. To abandon myself completely to a new beginning of life & love. To start taking responsibility in many ways I never had. I have finally discovered not only a greater self love, but love in ways before I had only dreamt of. It has never been easy, but the rewards have been more than worth it. Love/God never fails. 💝🙏
Ladies, my turning point was reading “co-dependent no more” by Melody Beady. It’s the holy grail.
And also getting therapy for co-dependency.