I have parents who really don’t care for my opinion; esp growing up. I finally get why I’m like this dude. It all comes down to insecurity; having people who have the same opinion is like reassurance. The kid in me who didn’t get much of that is trying to look for it and it sounds like dude is the same.
your icone is very similar to one of my drawing, and also like cryptopsy album cover nice drawing, also look like xel naga protoss symbole. most parent dont care. they want perfect princess and doctors, the rest they dont care
Honestly being open minded and actually listening and having a conversation with people's different beliefs and opinions without (attacking) them is really hard.
@@Snyphurr. I don't mean it in that way, it's more like when u are having a genuine conversation with someone let's say about their beliefs. I think it's quite hard to listen to them and don't judge their way of thinking. It's easy to argue with them about why I believe they are wrong in that aspect, but to be able to transfer that message without attacking their beliefs and way of thinking is pretty hard.
Depends on from which side are you taking up your stand. If you come to conversation to just make your point without actually listening then it's not a conversation you are just trying to prove that idea you believe is right. If you are listening and responding because you want to converse an idea and look at it from more views which naturally needs more people then it's more about communication and formulations then about actually fighting which idea is right and wrong because normally it doesn't even matter since you already have decided what you like or not.
@@Snyphurr. caught me off guard aswell ahahaha. Took me rereading your comment to notice you did exactly what he was talking about. Well fuckin played 😂
Don't get me wrong, we women have it really tough and we are often targets for abuse, gaslighting, lack of mirroring etc. But this video made me truly realize that as children, boys are victims of a lack of mirroring by adults on a CULTURAL, SYSTEMIC level. How many times are boys told to stop crying or that they're too sensitive rather than just having their parents mirror their emotions? All the freaking time. This is a huge problem and that's why a lot of adult men I have known/dated/befriended in my life are unable to interact with my and their own emotions in a healthy way, sometimes even becoming manipulative or abusive. This is definitely changing, and people are getting therapy and becoming more aware. Not all men have had upbringings like this, but the systemic/broad cultural nature of this sort of upbringing does a major disservice to men in general and their abilities to form healthy relationships with others. It's time to wizen up as a society and stop gaslighting children into feeling like their emotions and perceptions are wrong.
My parents would get angry when I cry and anger was punished physically and mentally. What I learned from that is general detachment from people, as well as avoiding everyone in my family. As for men, if they learned aggression or negligence, I'm not gonna bother. I learned that the hard way too.
Yep. Was always punished for crying, which made it worse usually obviously. Then on the otherside, you take away someone spare time, make em work from a young age instead of doing things you want so you learn to stop wanting. You stop speaking to what makes you happy, because it gets in the way of what needs doing, and thats your job. To do things. These days i try be a good person, but even with therapy when people talk about the experience of an emotion, they might as well be speaking chinese to me. Shut that shit down early and now im just fucked lol
What resonates with me the most is that if you are confident, people are allowed to disagree. Condemning people who you dont personally know and havent really interacted with is a knee jerk reaction and any sense of power you feel from doing so will always be fleeting. You might as well be dunking on a cardboard cut out. Happiness comes when you realize that its not your responsibility to correct everyone who ever typed an angry comment or said something stupid on twitter. Also twitter is, was, and always will be a hell hole that brings the worst out of everyone.
Yes and honestly, if I think about it, I'm glad people feel free to express themselves without the fear of me banishing them or their thoughts not being validated. That makes me feel quite happy and proud.
its normal. they too busy being happy in their misery. they also presume youll suced like they didnt, so they revenge on you "do what i didnt do, dont do what i did!" my parent where pathetic and unpresent and never suportive. im 38 now, it took me a long time ot learn what they didnt teach me. but with internet now we learn anything. who need a dad, i got dr k. hes way better than my dad anyway. and have wayyyy more efficient tips to win life
I don't necessarily get mad when people are wrong but I do if they aren't willing to hear the different side of the story and dismiss any explanation as to why someone thinks they are wrong
Just make sure you're willing to do the same in return. Even if you think they're wrong, if you're not willing to listen to their "side" and at least _consider_ why they think the way they do, then it isn't a 2-way discussion.
my madness became nihilism, i just do "ehrrrr.." then vent it out in 1 breath. then dont be mad its more sadness (its not that they are wrong, its that they dont understand whyt they are wrong)
"the more you can convince other people the more you will feel it yourself" was a huge italicized 'oh' moment for me. Like the reason I overextend my kindness beyond healthy boundaries is I dont think Im a good person so I think if I can convince others Im good I will think Im good (and it never works lol). That makes more sense than me just not being able to be good enough inherently bc I cant dedicate my entire life to other peoples happiness or whatever.
This one takes quite a bit of maturity to see through. Most people are pretty much unable to remain calm when faced with a "disagreeable idea"... we never learn such things nowadays
I think that's the point. These things are not really easy and thus taking the first step to develop the needed "maturity to see" is the take-away. Remaining calm when faced with "disagreeable idea" is the end game of this problem, but that's not where we start. Generally, we start through awareness and acknowledgement that facing disagreeable idea makes us distraught. We don't need to solve it immediately, we just have to acknowledge that it exists and understand why it exists in the first place
Idk some of the worst for me are associated with justice, like facing an opinion that is overtly harmful or associated with violence or negligence. There's a line somewhere between being active and reactive... Twitter arguments won't solve burning issues. But you do have to start somewhere, and sometimes it starts with acting on a disagreement
39:02 Yep this segment here hit close About a year ago I met a group of friends (especially one person) who were the first people ever to be so positive and supporting and there for me, even the example he brings up about the mistake happened very similarly and after what I had to go through in my childhood (and still do) nearly destroyed me, it was so amazing to have that. Now I realize why it hurts so much that they are gone now. 6 months ago, we all got really busy with our personal lives and couldn't talk to each other nearly at all and not having those friendships destroyed me and brought me down back to where things were before. I knew during that time it wasn't going to last forever so I cherished every moment, I guess that didn't help either when things had to fall apart because of other things. I wish I had them back and I'm still stuck in the past and it's hard to move on especially when I don't have them to hang out with when my parents are still being as awful as in the past.
the good side is cross examination. i rarely go see antivegan cause they have 0 argument aside from "some people try survive on island" waste of time and energy. but i check time to time in case someone finaly have a single argument viable.
Oh god here's one that applies to me. Been a while since I got one of those. It's not so bad with straight up opinions, like I understand people feel their own way about things. But when I say something that's a cold hard irrefutable fact and somebodys like "no that's not right" oh my Lord I get frustrated.
Same i always lisent even if the problem isnt one i have. The intelectual consistancy and vocabulary precision is a nice brain dessert. i droped sugar, my sugar is dr K sapiosexuality
Damn my guy, hitting the nail on the head with this, so many in our age, really be struggling with this problem, so much distance, and social media killing our gen
im glad he explain what has been thought tousand year ago. he explain well whaat i understood from ramana maharshi years ago. who am i? (is his only question, and book.. but dont waste time.. check 1 2 documentary about him if you feel like it)
This is such a powerful episode, I’m 24 now and I wish I could see this when I was 19 because that when I was suffering about disagreements the most beck then, I can stay up at night replaying an augment with someone whose disagree with me for hours and even times when I’m need focusing , I knew something was wrong but I can’t grasp it, now I learned that the root of all these are insecurity, thank you so much, Doctor K, seeing your UA-cam channel is the best thing ever happened to me in the pass 2 years.
You may cover this later in the video but some people may be really upset with disagreement bc conflict = abandonment or some other unsafe condition. I know a family where thr mom was controlling. If the kids disagreed with her, she cut off support (emotional, financial, physical, etc.). So this could trigger an anxiety response when someone completely unrelated disagrees. It's a loaded situation for the brain/body.
Holy smokes I’m so glad I watched this video. It really helped me understand the internal turmoil I’ve been feeling for the past few years! I had a really bad childhood experience and my family are good people but they are not very emotionally supportive. I now realize that most of my adult life was spent trying to fill this void but was twisted in some way due to my reliance on ego and not finding true self. Wow, thank you Dr. K!
That confidence explanation with the emotional mirroring makes sense, Im not very confident and I can remember my dad laughing at me when I was crying because he was teasing me about a story I was telling, I didn't think it had an impact on me but I always remember it
Yes, the whole people feeling like they need to scream their beliefs to the rooftops and convince everyone they meet that they're right, is the opposite of confidence.
Healthy relationships really do help so much. I got stuck for a while in my late teens, early twenties. Finding a great group of friends who are willing to work together to overcome and truly grow together was exactly what I needed to grow into a confident adult. My life changed drastically after we met! Even with mental illness (BPD and depression), I've never felt so secure in my relationships as I do now. Even when I feel myself relapsing, the security we have worked to form keeps me from completely going off the deep end, and they know what I need to mellow out. It's almost like an out of body experience where I know exactly what is happening to me, rather than being consumed by it.
@@vivvy_0 it took time and effort to find these people. I had to realize- for one- that I was allowing myself to be in bad relationships. I was raised in an abusive family, so I allowed a lot of friends and significant others to do things that I shouldn't have tolerated. You have to learn how and when to cut people out, how to be independent, and look for new friends who have a better value to your life. And telling the difference of an emotional reaction and when you're being reasonable can be very difficult. Especially when you're used to being told what you feel is wrong. I would not call that luxury. It took me years of self discovery and shedding a lot of friends I had for 15+ years. But meeting the new, good people helped that process along. I hope you can do the same eventually ♡
This was really really interesting, thank you. I've seen the terms True Self and False Self thrown around and I've always had a vague understanding around "universal human experience of being human" ie "being pushed sucks regardless of identity attributes" but I never connected it as a picture this way. It makes so much sense it would be related to confidence.
and yet what we consider true self is a concept of true self,. the true true self would be romanticised with wordings, but since we communicate with words.. wich cannot be named, the i without name.
I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. I have had a rough go of it for a long time now. Your videos have led me towards your discord which I have not participated in yet because I don’t know how to begin. You are doing a great thing for many people. I hope that one day I can fix my problems and help people like you do. I just want to say thank you Dr.K.
"If someone disagrees what does that say about me?" There's something i dont understand. I do not belong. I may be in danger. Some autism experience and trauma stuff. If i meet someone and they express something they are into which i am judgemental about because i think the thing reflecs on some characteristics they have. Sometimes it immediately makes me think, "we cannot be close friends." Or "Oh you're like these other people i met back then, i didn't get along with those." Or "that signifies a rather scary to associate way of living." But despite the judgements getting stronger the loneliness or circumstances do facilitate other interaction to take place. Until well, i realize i wasn't wrong and i can't be around this person. Am i still even talking about the same thing?
I know what you're talking about. I'm afraid of what I might be capable of in the future. Somebody is going to get hurt if I don't do something about my fears, but I don't see an alternative way of being that will still protect me.
Man was this ever helpful. I've been struggling with this specific issue for a few years but have had an incredibly difficult time explaining it to my therapists. I could never seem to pin down the core of the issue. But damn even the tea exercise on its own was so eye opening. Thanks for diving into this topic!
Damn, this was some super effective AoE Healing for me. I went to therapy having some vague understanding of attachment theory and everything here, knew that self-confidence and self-compassion were my big things to work on, but no idea how to proceed. I've been trying to get to the bottom of WHY I think/act the way I do, and this was a masterclass in my specific issues. There are SO many of my own issues that are touched on here, and I had NO IDEA they were related. I'm fairly sure my mother is either schizoid, on the autism spectrum (And wondered myself due to stuff covered here re: emotional neglect), and/or has CPTSD from moving states 30 times before she was 15. (My grandma was fleeing debtors pre-internet in the late 60's) And I have STRONG memories of being emotionally rejected that I bring up in therapy but no one has covered WHY that would affect me so strongly. Like, I kept hearing, as I researched psychology, about people expecting mothers to deliver emotions to them and it has always confused me. I have ZERO memories of my family smiling outside of a photo. Nothing comes to mind when I try to thing of a time my mom smiled at ME, specifically. Not at a dog or cat I was holding, not because everyone was smiling at a party, etc. But at ME, for being ME. Not one. My dad was angry at my school performance, sure, but emotions were not a big part of my upbringing as an only child. Emotions were the enemy in my house, I came to realize in my late 20's with the help of my wife. (My family grows/smokes weed now after moving to coastal NorCal, lol, and they're much more REAL humans to be around now, and my dad FINALLY realized that breaking your soul in half for an employer doesn't lead to happiness!!!) I always thought I was just some weak, overly needy person (Which is the message I got from my dad's side, who was raised by a 50's airforce veteran so... obv.) and, in turn, I've always been frustrated when people coddle literal babies and children, and always seem to be seeking 'the underdog' to root for. Just in the last year, I've started to realize that the reason I think this, is that I had to 'kill' that part of me since I couldn't root for myself, and sure as hell no one else was going to. The message my family programmed into me as a child was: "Grow up, B***h"... so I had to. Except my paternal grandma, who was also treated like an infant by my parents since they had some complex about PROVIDING for everyone and she was acting like a real human, and I am 100% certain it made them bitter. Plus, my mom was basically putting her late 20's to death by having to live with her husband's mom, and we did for 15 years. DAMN there was SO MANY oppressed emotions in my house, I now realize. I'm so curious how many arguments were happening quietly behind closed doors now. No wonder I have struggled my entire life with feeling dead inside. Plus, we lived isolated in the country so I'm also sheltered, not unlike the OP. Now, I suppose, at Age 32, I have to figure out how to move forward. And if I wasn't lucky enough to find an amazing women (thanks online dating! Pre-hookup apps at least) that I can make a real connection with, I am 100% certain I would still be an emotionless, angry goblin like I was suppressing, as trained, when she met me.
I remember when I was 18/19, and people disliking a video game I liked would piss me the fuck off. I used to watch a lot of Game Grumps, and if anyone knows Arin/Egoraptor, they know that he hates one particular Zelda game with a burning passion. Every time he ranted about it, it felt like knives in my heart. And it's true that it was me worrying that I was wrong somehow, like I'd missed some gamechanging evidence, but in the end I concluded that if he wantes to get so heated about a game, that's his problem. None of that bothers me now, because I realise that everyone is coming at a topic from their own unique perspective and experience, and that will inform their unique take on it, just as mine is. I am the best judge of my own experience, so I'm all I have to convince. Also, public opinion changes so rapidly (especially about games), that a popular opinion can be seen as radical in a few years. The amount of video essays about how "X is bad, actually" has become a complete meme. Your own opinions can change too, and you should be open to that possibility - in fact, it's dangerous to not be. On the subject of people who define themselves through politics, I've had the argument with those people that it's perfectly reasonable to be civil, even friendly, with people who have some pretty iffy opinions (from my persepective), because that shit shouldn't define you. Just talk about other things, bro!
I absolutely agree that confidence stems from knowing your true self. I have felt the need for many many years to get people to like me, to the point where I was so far from my true self just in the hopes that someone would like me and give me that validation. It's only when I really am just myself and don't live my life trying to prove my worth to other people that my anxiety goes down and I can actually enjoy life
In the same way that getting in to Flame Wars with Internet Trolls is a losing proposition, there are some perspectives and opinions out there that honestly just aren't worth engaging with. For myself, since I'm not ready to completely cede Reality when there's not a shared Frame of Reference that can be used to ground a discussion, I don't see much value in going out of my way to try and have a mutual understanding of perspectives in those instances. Better to disengage and try to work on the limitations of my own perspective, than to try and disabuse others of theirs.
There is a shared frame of reference, it's called logic. It's just woefully underdeveloped in most of the world. That aside, why would a shared frame of reference somehow help with admitting reality exists? Those two things are unrelated.
@@BygoneT By 'cede Reality', what I was referring to is one's perspective on "how Reality works" that's filtered through our value systems and worldviews; not a metaphysical question as to whether or not Reality exists. Having some sort of shared Frame of Reference is absolutely crucial for mutual understanding and comprehension. Imagine trying to talk about the ethics of something like Facebook to someone who's never used the Internet for (an admittedly extreme) example of this. Or to use a more realistic example, because most of us live our lives in Echo Chambers which confirm an validate our pre-existing opinions, it's getting more and more difficult to have productive conversations when we can't agree on basic facts (such as whether Climate Change exists, whether Covid is real, etc). And as you mention, Logic isn't something that comes innate and fully developed in humans, it's something that must be cultivated and practiced. Also, Logic is just one of several Tools or perspectives we have for making sense of Reality, and like any Tool it can be misused (such as by thinking that '"facts don't care about your feelings," which ignores the reality that Facts must be interpreted to have meaning.
@@stahleis By that I just meant that not every perspective that exists has merit, and that being an Open Minded person doesn't necessarily mean having to indulge those with toxic or inflammatory perspectives. I don't think it's a controversial to point out that much of our public discourse in the online age is awash in bullshit, where the goal isn't Truth or even authentic self expression, but rather to manipulate, deceive, or cause harm to others (things like hate speech, propaganda, and advertising fall in to this category).
On some topics, if a person disagrees with me I have to leave because it's a threat to my safety. Having gone through a big shift in my beliefs, I can see how those beliefs inform my sense of self. I want to use "love" as my core belief instead of "anger at injustice". The distinction is really important
@Jiwon Chang A+ nuance addition. Seems like it comes down to priorities. If no innocents are saved, but at least you burn all the bigots in revenge -- congrats on the smoking crater in the world. But if the focus is on saving the innocent _from bigots_ and making sure those lives are permitted to go on, that can actually go somewhere.
I'm looking forward to watching the video cuz the problem op has is basically the same as mine. I don't get panic attacks everytime from it but it makes it unbearable to exist in society, I just never feel safe around people and get avoidant behaviour, constantly feel lonely and doomed.
Though, I do live in a place where it is in fact dangerous to be lgbtq or to be mentally ill or to have certain political views, so my fears do find real ground. But it seems it would be easy to just avoid talking about it with people, I don't have to be on edge with everyone all the time, right?
Omg. Dr K. I love you. Seems everything you discuss, I have issues with. But I am seeing them all in a new light. A manageable place. I am seeing how this is all just behavioral and can be worked on. It's not a life sentence. It's not that I am just flawed and others got everything. It was a system of neglect that caused behaviors. Thank you for all of this information. I wish I could speak with you personally because though I am undead it more, I don't see it all and won't know how to work on all of it persistently. But God, I deserve to feel better.
Personally broke through in therapy and realized attachment problems are like the root of my issues, lifelong. Not saying that is the root for everyone but wow what a difference after realizing.
I want someone to mirror my emotions. Growing up, my negative emotions were treated with disdain and 'rational' explanations as to why I shouldn't feel that way. Now I feel dead inside.
Tell me about it. All my negatives were punished, and all the positives were pushed aside for things like work, or simply met with why im wrong. I know im going through moods, but god what id do to actually feel connected to it. I feel numb
@@bibsp3556 If you feel numb now, wait until emotional constipation kicks in and you get angrily depressed. At that point, it's better to feel through the pain and vulnerability - trust me, it's worth it if you can get there.
I used to feel bad growing up when other people held beliefs that were harmful to themselves and others. Now that I'm more experienced/secure I have a better idea of how to help them, if they want help. Everyone's journey is different.
Yeh i felt like my parents confused me with their reactions (at the young developing age 16:00 ). If i'd get hurt i'd be tearing up and look at them and they'll be smiling and say it's okay you're okay. Or mother would react angrily like "you need to be more careful! why did you do that??!" Just looking back it's like the opposite way you should treat someone. They're already in physical pain and you're basically throwing emotional pain on top of that.
Wow, this is the first time Dr K talks about a "problem" (it's not ruining my life, really) I have and I don't relate at all with the explanation. Though, honestly, it just might not be the same problem. I mean, I don't have a problem at all with people disagreeing with me, generally speaking. Sure, I've been pretty low on confidence before, but that was 10 years ago, and I'm pretty sure I'm confident now. I don't feel attacked when people disagree with me directly to me. But it really puts me off when someone is using a public medium to teach people about something that I perceive to be wrong. Just like yesterday, when a youtube I love, who does content mainly on medieval weaponry, made a long video about how all games featuring medieval themes should have more realistic combat with real-life HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) techniques because that would objectively make games better. But as a game designer myself, I think that is ludicrous. Sure, there could be improvements, but that's a much more case-by-case scenario. Games are first and foremost about delivering an experience, and they use gameplay mechanics to do that. That is the main focus, not realism, and realism should be thrown out the window if it gets in the way of the mechanics that are meant to deliver the game's experience. But then there is this guy spreading the misinformation that ALL games would improve with more realism in ALL cases, and there is no reason at all for devs to not do that except that they are either ignorant or uncaring. That's so blatantly false that I just can't hold myself from ignoring it. Not that I want to ignore, anyway. As I said, this is not something that is making my life worse, and it's not even that frequent. But I just wonder why that happens
this sounds more like defensiveness imo which also stems from ego. Just not as extreme as op i.e doesn't affect your life, you don't take it personally.
@@IndigoPuma26281 do you think so? I'm not against the idea, especially since I do get pretty defensive if my SO, specifically, accuses me of something I find terrible, but I think it's weird how this "problem" doesn't come up if people say it to my self at all, just specifically when it's someone passing on bullshit to others. Like a teacher going political to indoctrinate their students, or a parent teaching their child something that will literally be toxic to them in the future.
@@robindehoyos8676 I'unno, it's just... they're giving out wrong information and there will be more disagreements because of that, y'know? Like, the more people believe in bullshit, the more people will have to be convinced in order to stop the toxicity.
I'm pretty permissive for things that are _actually_ opinions, or have low stakes. When somebody says 'my favorite dinosaur is Zelda, he's the red one' or 'wow these hypothetical sharks are so smooth' it's like haha this is a bit. They're fooling around. I am in on the joke. Somebody disliking a show that I like isn't gonna hurt anyone. Even if they believe that there's an afterlife and I require more convincing, as long as they don't use that belief as a pretense to _hurt people,_ I generally emotionally mirror them and encourage them to share their perspective. When someone says, 'x group of people is not allowed to live in the same zipcode as me, and if they try, I will leverage every political institution around me to make their life hell. Respect my opinion xoxoxo,' I'm like, 'bruh, you're not respecting _their_ opinion, "I'm allowed to exist." You're wiping out their core selves. The things you're doing literally have a body count. If body counts were just """""differences of opinion""""" then other people would be justified in _bodying you_ to get you to stop. But because that's clearly ridiculous, _stop bodying other people. Admit that you do not have the right to do that.'_ I never wanted to be 'political.' It always seemed like a popularity contest between con artists...and it is. But people have _used politics to literally end their neighbors for being the 'wrong' color or marrying the 'wrong' consenting adult._ That is objectively wrong. I'm a domestic violence survivor. Whenever somebody says, 'I have the Freedom to mortally hurt you, and you're INTOLERANT -- A BAD PERSON -- if you try to stop me,' I recognize the DARVO (Deny Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). I cannot abide abuse mindgames playing out on a global scale, leading _millions_ to suffer the same things I suffered or worse, including total deletion of their self. The wisdom, 'stop trying to control other people, just let them disagree with you,' should also be aimed at the people who have successfully _ended other people_ rather than agreeing to disagree.
Thank you for your well worded take. I was about to criticise Dr. K's use of veganism as an example, and I feel like my criticism is a good addendum to your comment. It's not the same thing to feel attacked, when living beings you care about are eaten, compared to low stakes issues like a favorite dinosaur. Your distinction of the other one causing active damage is a good one. However, when someone replies with "I don't care about animals. I don't care about their feelings." or "I don't care about this group of people with property X, so screw them". There is not much to do other than shout louder than them.
@@konstaConstant I do like to twist that reasoning back around on them. ‘If I decide I don’t care about you, does that give me license to hurt you? Physically? Of course not. You know this is BS so stop trying to sell it to the rest of us.’ Not like they’ll concede or admit that their argument is self-serving nonsense. They continue posturing and I just get angry if I stick around. But at least the BS gets pointed out. They’re not slick.
@@Densoro I do wonder if there is any science done on how people with extreme viewpoints get converted to more reasonable positions! For example with covid conspiracies it took a near death experience to get their minds open.
@@konstaConstant I read some recent research (that I can’t easily find right now) but it showed that deconversion/change is often a slow incremental process that occurs gradually over many conversations with people who don’t share those same views. So having positive interpersonal experiences with people who don’t share that same perspective is helpful for changing someone’s mind. I think those interactions start to dissolve some of the anxiety/insecurity that brought about the extreme viewpoint in the first place.
@@sighborg_ This tracks, up to a point. My partner used to be home-of-phobic (shakes fist at YT censors) for religious reasons, but they were never _hostile or abusive_ about it, so I was able to stick around without putting my well-being at risk. That's the key, I think. They always sought _shared humanity_ with the people they criticized. 'I'm a sinner too, we all have our vices, that's why we're here to help each other,' etc. They never would've waved a sign wishing harm on anyone, or supported laws that destroyed innocent people's lives. It took years of friendships with all sorts of straightn't people, for them to reconcile their love of humanity with the agenda that was pushed on them by authority. They've decided that sharing their God's love is more important than other people twisting scripture to support hate. Nowadays, they're even less straight than I am lmao
Hi there. Just watched the vid until its past 2am for me now. I was upset with a conflict in my friend group last evening where 2 friends stressed each other out and I got upset with one because I wanted the problem to be solved while not always being the one to solve others problems. I did some other things but when I was trying to sleep I couldnt let go of the topic. This video gave me some great insights, thank you for that. I see myself somewhere on the spectrum of ego and confidence, but cant quite make out the tendence but thats not that relevant anyways I'd say. The point is that I wanted to try the meditation exercise but I didnt and intead I got up, went on doing some stuff and was very thoughtful of myself and my character. I started describing myself with adjectives and while I was aware that those are just describtions and matched just roughly, I instinctivly took something like a scientific approach as you described it and in trying to get a better idea of my true self I probably did just the opposite by reinforcing or manifesting the false self. I'm still thinking about it, thoughts are appreciated of course but just formulating it already helped :)
I only get offended when people assume I can’t handle the truth, especially when I _specifically ask for it_. As a creative, this drives me up a friggin’ wall.
This video is really hit and miss for me. Quite often I like differing opinions on all sort of things, but I also really relate to specific instances of really hating when someone disagrees with a specific thing, and the reason is not confidence. I've always been a confident person since I was born, I have confidence in who I am as a person, and the way I move through life. Yet I still have the same issue at times, but for a different reason. I don't feel that other peoples opinions have anything to do with me, I don't feel like I don't know who I am, I have always felt very strongly about who I am since I was a kid. But it still bothers me.
@@robindehoyos8676 It can stem from a small or simple statement, such as something discriminatory, or someone refusing to show empathy, understanding, or respect; either to myself or other people. And I don't ever have thoughts that I'm not good enough, the thought I most often think in that situation is something akin to 'I can't believe people like this exist', or 'How can people treat other people this way'. But I always have full confidence in myself, and also my beliefs.
Thats just called having a good sense of justice i think. I mean if youre gonna get angry, those are pretty valid reasons. You think human dignity is worth something.
This is very insightful, thanks Dr. K! As someone who's an amalgamation of things I perceive, I'm able to notice and develop a façade of confidence which is super duper easy, but yeah, that's just something I've created, not who I am. I hope with your advice I can sort this out, slowly but surely. Hope you have a good day! (And if you don't then, hopefully tomorrow would be brighter, or the day after!)
Being calm, patient, and slow to anger is pretty much a super power. Also you are probably better suited for certain careers that other people can’t handle because they are too inherently ego sensitive. However if those traits are stemming from a place of general apathy or emotional numbness then that would be a concern.
@@sighborg_ Yea it's both and that's the problem. I have a really chill personality so I never get loud. I can even play games like LOL where I am 30/0 and all others are feeding their brains out and we still lose an I am only like "Well better luck next time". But I am also the later. Its also coming from a place of apathy and numbness.
I am somewhat similar but I don't get panic from it just angry/annoyed For small stuff it doesn't matter but it's worse for important opinions and topics
Same i check every single video he make, too much good content for free. Epic, straight to the point. If i ever had a son this would be one of the most important teaching id try make him consider learn from
I grew up as an usual child in this respect. I've always had a reasonable temperament, but I have learned to consider others ideas more fully, because I tend to hold what I believe quite highly even if I know that I'm definitely not always right. I had other issues growing up.
This one grabbed me by the throat ngl 😭 realizing no one ever told me I'm allowed to make mistakes and they'll still like me if I do. Cuz the thing is that u might know your parents love you, but if they don't reassure u u actually can't know if they *like* you. Of course your parents love you as their child. Do they like u as a person though? Oh man
Sucks that I seem incapable of forming new relationships with people, and my current relationships are not at all a healthy support system. I am the emotional support for the people in my life, not the other way around, so I really, really, really fucking wish I could forge new relationships with people but I seem to be just incapable. Maybe I'm not a good enough person, maybe my anxiety attacks when I think about socializing with strangers are holding me back, maybe it's my unattractive features or my obesity, or my inability to financially support myself, or a combination of all of these things, but I just cannot seem to find anyone who is willing to meet me where I'm at, have a conversation with me, and potentially become acquaintances > friends.
Shit, when I was a kid and fell down nobody said, "oh poor baby." They told me to rinse off my knee and get back on the bike. They said yeah, I was allowed to cry because it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm allowed to quit. I was an only grandchild and no one in my family talked to me as if I was a wittle bitty baby. They spoke to me like I was an adult. Since before I can remember. That built a ton of confidence in me because I was never belittled as "just a child".
One thing I didn't hear you answer, and to me it's important. I have often become not just angry, but enraged, at people who have ideas that are just wrong. I'm not talking about opinions like wanting or not wanting pineapple on pizza; I'm talking about people who lack a basic education in any sort of science or joined-up thinking, yet still believe their ideas are valid -- or that pseudoscientific ideas are just "opinions," and "everyone has a right to their opinion," even if it's entirely uninformed. An example would be the one you gave: "COVID is a hoax." An even simpler example would be, "San Francisco is east of New York." That's just wrong. (Never mind the fact that the world is round and you CAN get to San Francisco by going east from New York; directions like "east of" refer to the shortest and most direct route between two points.) I feel that I *should* be able to refute "COVID is a hoax" or other pseudoscientific ideas in a way that would be convincing, but I can't. I'm not a virologist or any sort of expert in infections. I don't have a PhD in anything. I don't know everything about anything, and it feels like I would need to know everything about a subject and be able to answer all possible questions about it, in order to give a convincing explanation. And I can't seem to explain why it is that my trusting peer-reviewed research and the scientists who do it is QUALITATIVELY different from trusting some random UA-camr who says [whatever]. I can't explain why trusting scientists is not simply an appeal to authority, in the way that in the Middle Ages naturalists would appeal to authority with "Because Aristotle said so." Or, of course, "Because the Bible says so." Essentially in order to provide a convincing argument against any pseudoscientific claim, I'd have to provide an entire course on what science *is*. But I'm not a very good teacher, and I'm actively a bad teacher for someone who doesn't want to learn. Generally a person with scientifically nonsensical ideas doesn't want to learn differently -- or at least doesn't want to be forcibly convinced that they're wrong. So I get angry at what I see as deliberate ignorance and intentional stupidity. I don't even know whether I'm angry at the other person or angry at myself -- I think it's both.
21:35 I felt a lot of mental resistance against this statement and the main lessons after, especially since we associate self with our purpose in society and our affect on others, until the meditation segment and everything clicked and made sense and felt a lot better. I realized what was triggering the panic attacks and what made me insecure online was because I associated my opinions (basically how I presented myself externally) with the true self. The concept of neti neti feels right to me. Apparently another interpretation is "beyond this, beyond that", which reminds me of "beyond the words I and others use to describe myself" and makes me think whether the true self is meant to be comprehended or not, but I'm totally okay not knowing.
from the basic understanding I have it's supposed to be experienced not understood as that's apart of your thought's. Which you can identify so not that.
Hey Doctor K!! You've helped me more than any other therapist ever has. You explain things in a way that I understand them - specifically, you provide relatively concrete reasons for an array of things I worry about. Previous therapists I've met with have often answered with something to the effect of "well there's no reason for the way you're feeling, everyone's just different" when I ask them if there's any reason at all for the way I'm feeling. Either way, thank you Doctor K.
"How does a disagreement become a judgement?" Generational trauma. Dealing with people with a personality disorder. "If you don't agree with me, there is something wrong with you." Any disagreement IS a judgement. And punishment, and gaining confidence after that comes off as the same thing. I was very arrogant about my ideas as a young adult, and it sometimes comes out with my judgemental friend. I try to talk things out with my spouse first before dealing with friend because spouse will gently point out flaws in my reasoning if he disagrees.
You know, this explanation of ego and confidence perfectly describes a subset of people that fall prey to conspiracy theories. There are people who are insecure in themselves and are gaining validation through others that belong to the conspiracy group. And since being part of a conspiracy group becomes extremely polarizing where people outside ridicule you while people inside validate you, they embed themselves deeper into the group and make the conspiracy group their identity (akin to the angry vegan example). EDIT: Looks like Dr. K addressed it at @36:40 Dr. K is as thorough as usual.
I think veganism is a poor example. A lot of "angry vegans" are hurt animals are suffering and dying. It annoys me so much that we have to divide vegans up by "good vegans" being the ones that permit meat eaters. I might say "You do you" but honestly, no, I wish you'd stop hurting animals. And the people who know I am vegan love to make me a 2D caricature of myself when I am multi-faceted, it's not something I choose. I'm a nerd, I go to the gym, I like my undergrad study and languages.
@@og8425 I agree with you 100% on being compassionate with people and I have my own criticisms of activism done coercively or aggressively. It's been several months since I saw the video but from my understanding that's not what meat eaters are stereotyping- aggressive vs non aggressive. They are stereotyping vegans who are open and vegans who are silent. Again, we are all multi-faceted human beings. Also hello- always great to meet another vegan!
I feel like I'm going to need to watch this video a few times because I'm familiar with this concept but never before have I related to it. Iv identified my own need to express my opinions as being a result of being silenced by my parents and peers as a child. What makes it complicated for me is I did have a lot of confusion that was related to being a black girl (1 of 3 total black kids in the whole school) in a sea of white people. Getting into and understanding racism and feminism and the "sjw umbrella" helped me find concordance as a person who just didn't get it by default. I know there was a time where it did become a part of my identity. I had previously validated it through my internal (often morbid) curiosity for the opinions of others and my internal desire to be heard. To this day I know I have a higher priority on understanding but iv ignored the trigger which often makes my execution not match the intent. While I don't think I'm alone /unique this topic is much more complicated for me but the tools are something I still hope to use. Edit: performance based sense of self definitely hits home. I recently had to evaluate this side of me but hadn't related it to ego. My entire being has been defined by my performance. My parents expected performance and being a black Child I had to perform better because the expectation was low. I know the affect is the same regardless of race or gender etc but I think this is an interesting topic to discuss which is-- how the bodies we are born into will affect how likely we are to experience concordance of emotion ie minorities are more likely to be raised on performance based sense of self due to the demands of having to exist in a society that simply will not understand how you feel. I'm in conflict because I want to change this for future generations but I want to also heal from the damage existing like this has caused me.
same i want to heal trillion animal exploitaiton of the past, imposible, and wish for a better future where humans dont cry over words meaning and their ego is hurt while consuming atrocious animal cruelty with salt and cream, by hurting their whole body, freedom and familly :)
As soon as something is more popular i get triggered If the majority has extrem opinions about it. For example ATLA Netflix vs Cartoon. Sentences Like "Nothing will top the OG…"and the Most devestating Part is that they have a Point which means i can say Nothing against it. (I Loved the cartoon BTW)
I am not a good person, for I have done bad things. I am not a bad person, because I have done good things. I am not beautiful, as sometimes I am ugly. I am not ugly either, since sometimes I am beautiful. I am not smart, for I have done stupid things. I am not stupid, because I have done smart things. Neti, neti; neither this nor that. The only things I can sincerely and honestly claim about myself are that which I am not. Everything else I can contradict and disprove. When I go far enough with this, I will reach a dead end. Gazing into the void from the edge of the universe. "Nothing! What am I, then?" I wonder. I am nothing and nothing is " ". Whatever image you have of it is not nothing. It is " " and I am " ". So I turn around and return. On my way back I ponder "What's beyond my field of vision?" At first I think it's nothing... but then I realize, it's not nothing; it's everything, but I am simply unaware of it. Nothing was ever the same after all this, heh.
I love that I'm not the only one that defaults to the pineapple pizza example when describing the nature of offense and how divorced from objective reality it can be.
What advice do you have for the people who are lied about constantly by a fraudulently good person in influential groups? In ways that could be easily proven as defamation or slander in court, but you’re too poor to sue? And, you have severe trauma from being put in positions where you have to document everything you do constantly in your own life, so of course that behavior will now look egotistical thanks to this video, but is actually just that person having to survive others’ attempts to lie and make people who are easy targets because of stereotypes a scapegoat or something of a sacrifice to an ongoing lie. Because, if you don’t document everything, if you don’t constantly collect receipts and evidence of the reality 24/7, then the lie about you will only continue, others then believe the lie, and then your entire life and reputation could’ve been permanently ruined? This needs to be addressed. It’s missing from this video, and that’s dangerous. This happens all of the time in toxic relationships and toxic family and/or work environments. It also happens in our justice system far too often.
My advice is learn as much as you can about narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder and How to manage situations where you cannot be no contact from these kind of people. The righteous and justified anger is dangerous to your physical and emotional health
45:50 Okay that was interesting because I found out that my mind actually rejects this idea. I did the meditation practice and it's correct, at the moment of drinking water I couldn't tell who "I am", neither could the "alien", it is just a moment in time without any external factors etc. I get that. Where my mind bluescreened is where Dr.K said this is all that life is. I find it hard to accept that, because those moment aren't really separate. It's not just a "moment to moment" experience, it's a chain of connected events. Together they form an experience that has consequences. Saying that life is just a collection of moments devoid of external meaning doesn't make any sense to me. Life is more than just me and my experience of something in this current moment. Life consists of my own internal experience but also other people experiencing those things on their own. Together we form "life". It's not just me, it's everyone.
I thought of this as something that's mostly about meditation (I think the goal was to build confidence?). Like, it's not that your race or hobby or gender identity or whatever aren't part of who you are, and it's not that you don't experience those things, but they exist separately from who you actually are when you're present in a given moment. I agree with you that life is about more than just this, but I don't think I really interpreted Dr. K as saying it isn't, just that when we're meditating, we can be someone who's separate from those things, and that self is more "true" in a sense, because it's absent anything that's been imposed on us (even by ourselves, like the perception that I'm a terrible person, or that I'm stupid, or whatever).
I can't stand when others think they know everything and try to battle wits with me. It isn't generally an opinion thing with me, I just get so angry when others try to tell me I'm wrong and argue with me. I've been this way my whole life and I'm curious if others have any tips.
I'd recommend listening to Daryl Davis. Essentially the biggest part is to actually listen to someone, even if you greatly disagree. If you want other people to listen to you, then the first step is to be willing to listen to them.
Sounds like you need a little humility. Often times, BOTH sides of an argument "know" they're right, which is to say they are both 110% sure they're right (Like when someone asks why you're so sure, and you say "I just KNOW, okay?") Consider the possibility YOU might be wrong. Unless it's something completely stupid, like arguing with a flat-earther (Although take this bit of advice with a HEAVY grain of salt because "completely stupid" is subjective. As an example, some people don't believe being transgender is a real thing and it seems as stupid to them as flat-earth theories. Not here to make a political statement, just showing how what's "completely stupid" can be subjective). Step 3, is consider WHY someone is so adamant about something you think they're wrong about. See where they're coming from. Nobody is WILLFULLY STUPID. If they're confident they're right, then they're not necessarily stupid, they're just convinced they're smart. Same way you probably think you're pretty smart. It's annoying to think about it that way, but that's just how it is. For example, someone who was raised their entire life to believe evolution isn't real isn't "stupid" because it's not their fault. They were raised that way. So getting mad at _them_ is wasted effort, and is also unfair. Lastly, realize some people can't be convinced otherwise and that's okay. Some people will just never change their mind the same way you'll never change your mind on certain things you consider to be "undeniable truths." The world is messy. Every fiction contains a bit of truth and every truth contains a bit of fiction. Science and what's "factual" is ever-changing and fluid, so it's okay to consider what may seem to be wild viewpoints. Not listening to differing opinions and claiming you're always right is actually very _anti-scientific._
Do you feel like it matters whether you're actually wrong or not? Does the anger come because you belive strongly that you're right or specifically because someone is challenging you?
@@bugjams I think this was actually a really combative and deeply flawed response. It seems to me like you suffer from and are doing some of the same things as the original commenter. There's a strong air of superiority in your comment - like you're above the fray - and you sound pretty convinced that your perspective is "correct." It's very interesting.
@@xavierjdesigns Well now we've hit a roadblock, haven't we. I can just return the notion that YOU'RE acting superior, and we can go back and forth and be here all day. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be right, don't they? I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just offering my perspective. I usually try and write in a professional tone, if I sound smug or holier-than-thou then I apologize.
I have parents who really don’t care for my opinion; esp growing up. I finally get why I’m like this dude. It all comes down to insecurity; having people who have the same opinion is like reassurance. The kid in me who didn’t get much of that is trying to look for it and it sounds like dude is the same.
_I’m in this picture and I don’t like it_
It sucks when you realise it for the first time, but it's the first (and arguably most important) part of healing.
your icone is very similar to one of my drawing, and also like cryptopsy album cover nice drawing, also look like xel naga protoss symbole.
most parent dont care. they want perfect princess and doctors, the rest they dont care
@Gigachad_Balls Wasn’t expecting some nice comments today lol I appreciate it, man 🤝 edit:I just now noticed your profile name lmao
oh man that sounds like me
Honestly being open minded and actually listening and having a conversation with people's different beliefs and opinions without (attacking) them is really hard.
I disagree, stop saying nonsense, jesus christ people are really dumb these days
@@Snyphurr. I don't mean it in that way, it's more like when u are having a genuine conversation with someone let's say about their beliefs. I think it's quite hard to listen to them and don't judge their way of thinking. It's easy to argue with them about why I believe they are wrong in that aspect, but to be able to transfer that message without attacking their beliefs and way of thinking is pretty hard.
@@radiationgeneration4006 I was trolling but makes sense
Depends on from which side are you taking up your stand. If you come to conversation to just make your point without actually listening then it's not a conversation you are just trying to prove that idea you believe is right. If you are listening and responding because you want to converse an idea and look at it from more views which naturally needs more people then it's more about communication and formulations then about actually fighting which idea is right and wrong because normally it doesn't even matter since you already have decided what you like or not.
@@Snyphurr. caught me off guard aswell ahahaha. Took me rereading your comment to notice you did exactly what he was talking about. Well fuckin played 😂
Don't get me wrong, we women have it really tough and we are often targets for abuse, gaslighting, lack of mirroring etc. But this video made me truly realize that as children, boys are victims of a lack of mirroring by adults on a CULTURAL, SYSTEMIC level. How many times are boys told to stop crying or that they're too sensitive rather than just having their parents mirror their emotions? All the freaking time. This is a huge problem and that's why a lot of adult men I have known/dated/befriended in my life are unable to interact with my and their own emotions in a healthy way, sometimes even becoming manipulative or abusive. This is definitely changing, and people are getting therapy and becoming more aware. Not all men have had upbringings like this, but the systemic/broad cultural nature of this sort of upbringing does a major disservice to men in general and their abilities to form healthy relationships with others. It's time to wizen up as a society and stop gaslighting children into feeling like their emotions and perceptions are wrong.
My parents would get angry when I cry and anger was punished physically and mentally. What I learned from that is general detachment from people, as well as avoiding everyone in my family. As for men, if they learned aggression or negligence, I'm not gonna bother. I learned that the hard way too.
@@aliveslice I'm sorry to hear your upbringing was so unfair. I hope you find healing, peace and empowerment.
Yep. Was always punished for crying, which made it worse usually obviously. Then on the otherside, you take away someone spare time, make em work from a young age instead of doing things you want so you learn to stop wanting. You stop speaking to what makes you happy, because it gets in the way of what needs doing, and thats your job. To do things.
These days i try be a good person, but even with therapy when people talk about the experience of an emotion, they might as well be speaking chinese to me. Shut that shit down early and now im just fucked lol
What resonates with me the most is that if you are confident, people are allowed to disagree. Condemning people who you dont personally know and havent really interacted with is a knee jerk reaction and any sense of power you feel from doing so will always be fleeting. You might as well be dunking on a cardboard cut out. Happiness comes when you realize that its not your responsibility to correct everyone who ever typed an angry comment or said something stupid on twitter.
Also twitter is, was, and always will be a hell hole that brings the worst out of everyone.
Yes and honestly, if I think about it, I'm glad people feel free to express themselves without the fear of me banishing them or their thoughts not being validated. That makes me feel quite happy and proud.
My parents never valued my opinion, so I never had a problem with people disagreeing with me because I already assumed my words were wrong
That's even worse
its normal. they too busy being happy in their misery. they also presume youll suced like they didnt, so they revenge on you "do what i didnt do, dont do what i did!"
my parent where pathetic and unpresent and never suportive. im 38 now, it took me a long time ot learn what they didnt teach me.
but with internet now we learn anything. who need a dad, i got dr k. hes way better than my dad anyway.
and have wayyyy more efficient tips to win life
lollll same
Another person in this comment section had the same parent struggle, except they actually resonated with the twitter snowflake mindset. Interesting.
Same. I'm incapable of standing up for myself because I was raised to believe I don't deserve respect or to have a say.
I don't necessarily get mad when people are wrong but I do if they aren't willing to hear the different side of the story and dismiss any explanation as to why someone thinks they are wrong
this 5000%
Just make sure you're willing to do the same in return. Even if you think they're wrong, if you're not willing to listen to their "side" and at least _consider_ why they think the way they do, then it isn't a 2-way discussion.
my madness became nihilism, i just do "ehrrrr.." then vent it out in 1 breath. then dont be mad
its more sadness (its not that they are wrong, its that they dont understand whyt they are wrong)
@@mcs5917 I hate it especially when you're trying to explain yourself and they're immediately just shaking their head in disagreement continuously
@@senoir. i got angry just imagining what you wrote in my head
"the more you can convince other people the more you will feel it yourself" was a huge italicized 'oh' moment for me. Like the reason I overextend my kindness beyond healthy boundaries is I dont think Im a good person so I think if I can convince others Im good I will think Im good (and it never works lol). That makes more sense than me just not being able to be good enough inherently bc I cant dedicate my entire life to other peoples happiness or whatever.
This one takes quite a bit of maturity to see through. Most people are pretty much unable to remain calm when faced with a "disagreeable idea"... we never learn such things nowadays
indeed, and some just seem to chuck those who try to understand as immature too
I think that's the point. These things are not really easy and thus taking the first step to develop the needed "maturity to see" is the take-away. Remaining calm when faced with "disagreeable idea" is the end game of this problem, but that's not where we start. Generally, we start through awareness and acknowledgement that facing disagreeable idea makes us distraught. We don't need to solve it immediately, we just have to acknowledge that it exists and understand why it exists in the first place
Even you just saying that made me feel a bit attacked lmao
how dare you say such a thing!!! XDD
Idk some of the worst for me are associated with justice, like facing an opinion that is overtly harmful or associated with violence or negligence. There's a line somewhere between being active and reactive... Twitter arguments won't solve burning issues. But you do have to start somewhere, and sometimes it starts with acting on a disagreement
39:02
Yep this segment here hit close
About a year ago I met a group of friends (especially one person) who were the first people ever to be so positive and supporting and there for me, even the example he brings up about the mistake happened very similarly and after what I had to go through in my childhood (and still do) nearly destroyed me, it was so amazing to have that. Now I realize why it hurts so much that they are gone now. 6 months ago, we all got really busy with our personal lives and couldn't talk to each other nearly at all and not having those friendships destroyed me and brought me down back to where things were before. I knew during that time it wasn't going to last forever so I cherished every moment, I guess that didn't help either when things had to fall apart because of other things. I wish I had them back and I'm still stuck in the past and it's hard to move on especially when I don't have them to hang out with when my parents are still being as awful as in the past.
I don't know why but I highly relate to this. Anytime I enjoy something I look up people on UA-cam criticizing that particular thing.
the good side is cross examination. i rarely go see antivegan cause they have 0 argument aside from "some people try survive on island"
waste of time and energy. but i check time to time in case someone finaly have a single argument viable.
Oh god here's one that applies to me. Been a while since I got one of those.
It's not so bad with straight up opinions, like I understand people feel their own way about things. But when I say something that's a cold hard irrefutable fact and somebodys like "no that's not right" oh my Lord I get frustrated.
I learnt a lot from this, even though I might not face the same problems, thanks as always Dr.K
Same i always lisent even if the problem isnt one i have. The intelectual consistancy and vocabulary precision is a nice brain dessert.
i droped sugar, my sugar is dr K sapiosexuality
Damn my guy, hitting the nail on the head with this, so many in our age, really be struggling with this problem, so much distance, and social media killing our gen
im glad he explain what has been thought tousand year ago. he explain well whaat i understood from ramana maharshi years ago.
who am i? (is his only question, and book.. but dont waste time.. check 1 2 documentary about him if you feel like it)
This is such a powerful episode, I’m 24 now and I wish I could see this when I was 19 because that when I was suffering about disagreements the most beck then, I can stay up at night replaying an augment with someone whose disagree with me for hours and even times when I’m need focusing , I knew something was wrong but I can’t grasp it, now I learned that the root of all these are insecurity, thank you so much, Doctor K, seeing your UA-cam channel is the best thing ever happened to me in the pass 2 years.
You may cover this later in the video but some people may be really upset with disagreement bc conflict = abandonment or some other unsafe condition. I know a family where thr mom was controlling. If the kids disagreed with her, she cut off support (emotional, financial, physical, etc.). So this could trigger an anxiety response when someone completely unrelated disagrees. It's a loaded situation for the brain/body.
Holy smokes I’m so glad I watched this video. It really helped me understand the internal turmoil I’ve been feeling for the past few years! I had a really bad childhood experience and my family are good people but they are not very emotionally supportive. I now realize that most of my adult life was spent trying to fill this void but was twisted in some way due to my reliance on ego and not finding true self. Wow, thank you Dr. K!
That confidence explanation with the emotional mirroring makes sense, Im not very confident and I can remember my dad laughing at me when I was crying because he was teasing me about a story I was telling, I didn't think it had an impact on me but I always remember it
What was the story
Yes, the whole people feeling like they need to scream their beliefs to the rooftops and convince everyone they meet that they're right, is the opposite of confidence.
Healthy relationships really do help so much. I got stuck for a while in my late teens, early twenties.
Finding a great group of friends who are willing to work together to overcome and truly grow together was exactly what I needed to grow into a confident adult. My life changed drastically after we met!
Even with mental illness (BPD and depression), I've never felt so secure in my relationships as I do now. Even when I feel myself relapsing, the security we have worked to form keeps me from completely going off the deep end, and they know what I need to mellow out. It's almost like an out of body experience where I know exactly what is happening to me, rather than being consumed by it.
some dont have this luxury
@@vivvy_0 it took time and effort to find these people. I had to realize- for one- that I was allowing myself to be in bad relationships. I was raised in an abusive family, so I allowed a lot of friends and significant others to do things that I shouldn't have tolerated. You have to learn how and when to cut people out, how to be independent, and look for new friends who have a better value to your life.
And telling the difference of an emotional reaction and when you're being reasonable can be very difficult. Especially when you're used to being told what you feel is wrong.
I would not call that luxury. It took me years of self discovery and shedding a lot of friends I had for 15+ years. But meeting the new, good people helped that process along.
I hope you can do the same eventually ♡
“I was very active on Twitter and joined many fandoms there” there’s the problem
This was really really interesting, thank you. I've seen the terms True Self and False Self thrown around and I've always had a vague understanding around "universal human experience of being human" ie "being pushed sucks regardless of identity attributes" but I never connected it as a picture this way. It makes so much sense it would be related to confidence.
and yet what we consider true self is a concept of true self,. the true true self would be romanticised with wordings, but since we communicate with words..
wich cannot be named, the i without name.
I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. I have had a rough go of it for a long time now. Your videos have led me towards your discord which I have not participated in yet because I don’t know how to begin. You are doing a great thing for many people. I hope that one day I can fix my problems and help people like you do. I just want to say thank you Dr.K.
"If someone disagrees what does that say about me?"
There's something i dont understand.
I do not belong.
I may be in danger.
Some autism experience and trauma stuff.
If i meet someone and they express something they are into which i am judgemental about because i think the thing reflecs on some characteristics they have. Sometimes it immediately makes me think, "we cannot be close friends." Or "Oh you're like these other people i met back then, i didn't get along with those." Or "that signifies a rather scary to associate way of living."
But despite the judgements getting stronger the loneliness or circumstances do facilitate other interaction to take place. Until well, i realize i wasn't wrong and i can't be around this person.
Am i still even talking about the same thing?
thanks for sharing your experience, I needed to hear that😢
I know what you're talking about. I'm afraid of what I might be capable of in the future. Somebody is going to get hurt if I don't do something about my fears, but I don't see an alternative way of being that will still protect me.
i feel this too. like, all the time....
Man was this ever helpful. I've been struggling with this specific issue for a few years but have had an incredibly difficult time explaining it to my therapists. I could never seem to pin down the core of the issue. But damn even the tea exercise on its own was so eye opening. Thanks for diving into this topic!
If I never got angry at dumb opinions, when else would I have the opportunity to rage clean my house? 🤣
This reminds me of the TikToks/shorts of "me going on my stupid daily walk for my stupid mental health" lol
You can either live with how dirty your house is or rage at how dirty it is.
@@mathewfrance5165 shout out John green hahaha
Does it actually get clean like that?
Lmao
Damn, this was some super effective AoE Healing for me. I went to therapy having some vague understanding of attachment theory and everything here, knew that self-confidence and self-compassion were my big things to work on, but no idea how to proceed. I've been trying to get to the bottom of WHY I think/act the way I do, and this was a masterclass in my specific issues. There are SO many of my own issues that are touched on here, and I had NO IDEA they were related.
I'm fairly sure my mother is either schizoid, on the autism spectrum (And wondered myself due to stuff covered here re: emotional neglect), and/or has CPTSD from moving states 30 times before she was 15. (My grandma was fleeing debtors pre-internet in the late 60's) And I have STRONG memories of being emotionally rejected that I bring up in therapy but no one has covered WHY that would affect me so strongly. Like, I kept hearing, as I researched psychology, about people expecting mothers to deliver emotions to them and it has always confused me. I have ZERO memories of my family smiling outside of a photo. Nothing comes to mind when I try to thing of a time my mom smiled at ME, specifically. Not at a dog or cat I was holding, not because everyone was smiling at a party, etc. But at ME, for being ME. Not one.
My dad was angry at my school performance, sure, but emotions were not a big part of my upbringing as an only child. Emotions were the enemy in my house, I came to realize in my late 20's with the help of my wife. (My family grows/smokes weed now after moving to coastal NorCal, lol, and they're much more REAL humans to be around now, and my dad FINALLY realized that breaking your soul in half for an employer doesn't lead to happiness!!!)
I always thought I was just some weak, overly needy person (Which is the message I got from my dad's side, who was raised by a 50's airforce veteran so... obv.) and, in turn, I've always been frustrated when people coddle literal babies and children, and always seem to be seeking 'the underdog' to root for. Just in the last year, I've started to realize that the reason I think this, is that I had to 'kill' that part of me since I couldn't root for myself, and sure as hell no one else was going to. The message my family programmed into me as a child was: "Grow up, B***h"... so I had to.
Except my paternal grandma, who was also treated like an infant by my parents since they had some complex about PROVIDING for everyone and she was acting like a real human, and I am 100% certain it made them bitter. Plus, my mom was basically putting her late 20's to death by having to live with her husband's mom, and we did for 15 years.
DAMN there was SO MANY oppressed emotions in my house, I now realize. I'm so curious how many arguments were happening quietly behind closed doors now. No wonder I have struggled my entire life with feeling dead inside. Plus, we lived isolated in the country so I'm also sheltered, not unlike the OP.
Now, I suppose, at Age 32, I have to figure out how to move forward. And if I wasn't lucky enough to find an amazing women (thanks online dating! Pre-hookup apps at least) that I can make a real connection with, I am 100% certain I would still be an emotionless, angry goblin like I was suppressing, as trained, when she met me.
I remember when I was 18/19, and people disliking a video game I liked would piss me the fuck off. I used to watch a lot of Game Grumps, and if anyone knows Arin/Egoraptor, they know that he hates one particular Zelda game with a burning passion. Every time he ranted about it, it felt like knives in my heart. And it's true that it was me worrying that I was wrong somehow, like I'd missed some gamechanging evidence, but in the end I concluded that if he wantes to get so heated about a game, that's his problem.
None of that bothers me now, because I realise that everyone is coming at a topic from their own unique perspective and experience, and that will inform their unique take on it, just as mine is. I am the best judge of my own experience, so I'm all I have to convince. Also, public opinion changes so rapidly (especially about games), that a popular opinion can be seen as radical in a few years. The amount of video essays about how "X is bad, actually" has become a complete meme. Your own opinions can change too, and you should be open to that possibility - in fact, it's dangerous to not be.
On the subject of people who define themselves through politics, I've had the argument with those people that it's perfectly reasonable to be civil, even friendly, with people who have some pretty iffy opinions (from my persepective), because that shit shouldn't define you. Just talk about other things, bro!
I absolutely agree that confidence stems from knowing your true self. I have felt the need for many many years to get people to like me, to the point where I was so far from my true self just in the hopes that someone would like me and give me that validation. It's only when I really am just myself and don't live my life trying to prove my worth to other people that my anxiety goes down and I can actually enjoy life
How did you get to reconnect with your true self? Or trust your true self is maybe a better way of phrasing it.
In the same way that getting in to Flame Wars with Internet Trolls is a losing proposition, there are some perspectives and opinions out there that honestly just aren't worth engaging with. For myself, since I'm not ready to completely cede Reality when there's not a shared Frame of Reference that can be used to ground a discussion, I don't see much value in going out of my way to try and have a mutual understanding of perspectives in those instances. Better to disengage and try to work on the limitations of my own perspective, than to try and disabuse others of theirs.
Don't wrestle a pig in the mud. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
There is a shared frame of reference, it's called logic. It's just woefully underdeveloped in most of the world.
That aside, why would a shared frame of reference somehow help with admitting reality exists? Those two things are unrelated.
@@BygoneT By 'cede Reality', what I was referring to is one's perspective on "how Reality works" that's filtered through our value systems and worldviews; not a metaphysical question as to whether or not Reality exists.
Having some sort of shared Frame of Reference is absolutely crucial for mutual understanding and comprehension. Imagine trying to talk about the ethics of something like Facebook to someone who's never used the Internet for (an admittedly extreme) example of this. Or to use a more realistic example, because most of us live our lives in Echo Chambers which confirm an validate our pre-existing opinions, it's getting more and more difficult to have productive conversations when we can't agree on basic facts (such as whether Climate Change exists, whether Covid is real, etc).
And as you mention, Logic isn't something that comes innate and fully developed in humans, it's something that must be cultivated and practiced. Also, Logic is just one of several Tools or perspectives we have for making sense of Reality, and like any Tool it can be misused (such as by thinking that '"facts don't care about your feelings," which ignores the reality that Facts must be interpreted to have meaning.
@@bwatson77 is everyone of a certain perspective or opinion an internet troll or how did you mean the first sentence?
@@stahleis By that I just meant that not every perspective that exists has merit, and that being an Open Minded person doesn't necessarily mean having to indulge those with toxic or inflammatory perspectives.
I don't think it's a controversial to point out that much of our public discourse in the online age is awash in bullshit, where the goal isn't Truth or even authentic self expression, but rather to manipulate, deceive, or cause harm to others (things like hate speech, propaganda, and advertising fall in to this category).
On some topics, if a person disagrees with me I have to leave because it's a threat to my safety.
Having gone through a big shift in my beliefs, I can see how those beliefs inform my sense of self. I want to use "love" as my core belief instead of "anger at injustice". The distinction is really important
@Jiwon Chang A+ nuance addition. Seems like it comes down to priorities. If no innocents are saved, but at least you burn all the bigots in revenge -- congrats on the smoking crater in the world. But if the focus is on saving the innocent _from bigots_ and making sure those lives are permitted to go on, that can actually go somewhere.
@Momina Need to be Murican for that
@Jiwon Chang Check out Daryl Davis.
@Jiwon Chang what is a "bigot"?
This is literally what i have been looking for.
the video ive waited for
good video but not what i was expecting haha
Wow this was well put and up-lifting. I would like to add that people wear different masks for different situations. Dr K. Thank you for making this.
I'm looking forward to watching the video cuz the problem op has is basically the same as mine. I don't get panic attacks everytime from it but it makes it unbearable to exist in society, I just never feel safe around people and get avoidant behaviour, constantly feel lonely and doomed.
Though, I do live in a place where it is in fact dangerous to be lgbtq or to be mentally ill or to have certain political views, so my fears do find real ground. But it seems it would be easy to just avoid talking about it with people, I don't have to be on edge with everyone all the time, right?
From minute one I thought this is ego issue. Anytime you cannot stand other than what you identify as - ego. Watch out. Take notice.
Dr. K’s explanation of the tea drinking exercise is the first time I’ve understood the purpose of the exercise to “look for the one who is looking.”
Omg. Dr K. I love you. Seems everything you discuss, I have issues with. But I am seeing them all in a new light. A manageable place. I am seeing how this is all just behavioral and can be worked on. It's not a life sentence. It's not that I am just flawed and others got everything. It was a system of neglect that caused behaviors. Thank you for all of this information. I wish I could speak with you personally because though I am undead it more, I don't see it all and won't know how to work on all of it persistently. But God, I deserve to feel better.
Personally broke through in therapy and realized attachment problems are like the root of my issues, lifelong. Not saying that is the root for everyone but wow what a difference after realizing.
I’m ready Dr. K
This thumbnail is a masterpiece
EDIT: BRING BACK THE ZELDA THUMBNAIL!!
I never hear positive things about twitter damn
Love the thumbnail
edit: It had a picture of Link and said "Zelda joins the battle". Sadly, it was changed.
Deep, but important
I found you because of the streamer awards and it’s like I found a diamond in a swampy lake. This is exactly what I was dealing with
Glad it helped!
Can't wait to find the time to watch this video
I want someone to mirror my emotions. Growing up, my negative emotions were treated with disdain and 'rational' explanations as to why I shouldn't feel that way. Now I feel dead inside.
Tell me about it. All my negatives were punished, and all the positives were pushed aside for things like work, or simply met with why im wrong.
I know im going through moods, but god what id do to actually feel connected to it. I feel numb
@@bibsp3556 If you feel numb now, wait until emotional constipation kicks in and you get angrily depressed. At that point, it's better to feel through the pain and vulnerability - trust me, it's worth it if you can get there.
ThiS waS goLD - 👀
I saw myself in a whole
new light 🤩.
Thank U Dr. K. 🐇
I used to feel bad growing up when other people held beliefs that were harmful to themselves and others. Now that I'm more experienced/secure I have a better idea of how to help them, if they want help. Everyone's journey is different.
I saw the title and I never clicked so fast in my life. Thank you, to the poster and to Dr. K for talking about this, I identify with this 100%
this channel's thumbnail game is always on point
Yeh i felt like my parents confused me with their reactions (at the young developing age 16:00 ). If i'd get hurt i'd be tearing up and look at them and they'll be smiling and say it's okay you're okay. Or mother would react angrily like "you need to be more careful! why did you do that??!" Just looking back it's like the opposite way you should treat someone. They're already in physical pain and you're basically throwing emotional pain on top of that.
I have not watched this video yet, but I wanted to drop in and say incredible work on the thumbnail.
Wow, this is the first time Dr K talks about a "problem" (it's not ruining my life, really) I have and I don't relate at all with the explanation. Though, honestly, it just might not be the same problem.
I mean, I don't have a problem at all with people disagreeing with me, generally speaking. Sure, I've been pretty low on confidence before, but that was 10 years ago, and I'm pretty sure I'm confident now. I don't feel attacked when people disagree with me directly to me. But it really puts me off when someone is using a public medium to teach people about something that I perceive to be wrong. Just like yesterday, when a youtube I love, who does content mainly on medieval weaponry, made a long video about how all games featuring medieval themes should have more realistic combat with real-life HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) techniques because that would objectively make games better. But as a game designer myself, I think that is ludicrous. Sure, there could be improvements, but that's a much more case-by-case scenario. Games are first and foremost about delivering an experience, and they use gameplay mechanics to do that. That is the main focus, not realism, and realism should be thrown out the window if it gets in the way of the mechanics that are meant to deliver the game's experience. But then there is this guy spreading the misinformation that ALL games would improve with more realism in ALL cases, and there is no reason at all for devs to not do that except that they are either ignorant or uncaring. That's so blatantly false that I just can't hold myself from ignoring it.
Not that I want to ignore, anyway. As I said, this is not something that is making my life worse, and it's not even that frequent. But I just wonder why that happens
this sounds more like defensiveness imo which also stems from ego. Just not as extreme as op i.e doesn't affect your life, you don't take it personally.
@@IndigoPuma26281 do you think so? I'm not against the idea, especially since I do get pretty defensive if my SO, specifically, accuses me of something I find terrible, but I think it's weird how this "problem" doesn't come up if people say it to my self at all, just specifically when it's someone passing on bullshit to others. Like a teacher going political to indoctrinate their students, or a parent teaching their child something that will literally be toxic to them in the future.
@@SirZelean what do you feel when you see that happening? What thoughts come to mind?
@@robindehoyos8676 I'unno, it's just... they're giving out wrong information and there will be more disagreements because of that, y'know? Like, the more people believe in bullshit, the more people will have to be convinced in order to stop the toxicity.
This video sounds like a must for at least 80% of the people in Internet
i learn more from this channel than i did in years of college psych classes
Thank you so much! This was really really helpful!
DR K HOW DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW
I'm pretty permissive for things that are _actually_ opinions, or have low stakes. When somebody says 'my favorite dinosaur is Zelda, he's the red one' or 'wow these hypothetical sharks are so smooth' it's like haha this is a bit. They're fooling around. I am in on the joke. Somebody disliking a show that I like isn't gonna hurt anyone. Even if they believe that there's an afterlife and I require more convincing, as long as they don't use that belief as a pretense to _hurt people,_ I generally emotionally mirror them and encourage them to share their perspective.
When someone says, 'x group of people is not allowed to live in the same zipcode as me, and if they try, I will leverage every political institution around me to make their life hell. Respect my opinion xoxoxo,' I'm like, 'bruh, you're not respecting _their_ opinion, "I'm allowed to exist." You're wiping out their core selves. The things you're doing literally have a body count. If body counts were just """""differences of opinion""""" then other people would be justified in _bodying you_ to get you to stop. But because that's clearly ridiculous, _stop bodying other people. Admit that you do not have the right to do that.'_
I never wanted to be 'political.' It always seemed like a popularity contest between con artists...and it is. But people have _used politics to literally end their neighbors for being the 'wrong' color or marrying the 'wrong' consenting adult._ That is objectively wrong.
I'm a domestic violence survivor. Whenever somebody says, 'I have the Freedom to mortally hurt you, and you're INTOLERANT -- A BAD PERSON -- if you try to stop me,' I recognize the DARVO (Deny Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). I cannot abide abuse mindgames playing out on a global scale, leading _millions_ to suffer the same things I suffered or worse, including total deletion of their self. The wisdom, 'stop trying to control other people, just let them disagree with you,' should also be aimed at the people who have successfully _ended other people_ rather than agreeing to disagree.
Thank you for your well worded take. I was about to criticise Dr. K's use of veganism as an example, and I feel like my criticism is a good addendum to your comment. It's not the same thing to feel attacked, when living beings you care about are eaten, compared to low stakes issues like a favorite dinosaur. Your distinction of the other one causing active damage is a good one. However, when someone replies with "I don't care about animals. I don't care about their feelings." or "I don't care about this group of people with property X, so screw them". There is not much to do other than shout louder than them.
@@konstaConstant I do like to twist that reasoning back around on them. ‘If I decide I don’t care about you, does that give me license to hurt you? Physically? Of course not. You know this is BS so stop trying to sell it to the rest of us.’
Not like they’ll concede or admit that their argument is self-serving nonsense. They continue posturing and I just get angry if I stick around. But at least the BS gets pointed out. They’re not slick.
@@Densoro I do wonder if there is any science done on how people with extreme viewpoints get converted to more reasonable positions! For example with covid conspiracies it took a near death experience to get their minds open.
@@konstaConstant I read some recent research (that I can’t easily find right now) but it showed that deconversion/change is often a slow incremental process that occurs gradually over many conversations with people who don’t share those same views. So having positive interpersonal experiences with people who don’t share that same perspective is helpful for changing someone’s mind. I think those interactions start to dissolve some of the anxiety/insecurity that brought about the extreme viewpoint in the first place.
@@sighborg_ This tracks, up to a point. My partner used to be home-of-phobic (shakes fist at YT censors) for religious reasons, but they were never _hostile or abusive_ about it, so I was able to stick around without putting my well-being at risk. That's the key, I think.
They always sought _shared humanity_ with the people they criticized. 'I'm a sinner too, we all have our vices, that's why we're here to help each other,' etc. They never would've waved a sign wishing harm on anyone, or supported laws that destroyed innocent people's lives.
It took years of friendships with all sorts of straightn't people, for them to reconcile their love of humanity with the agenda that was pushed on them by authority. They've decided that sharing their God's love is more important than other people twisting scripture to support hate.
Nowadays, they're even less straight than I am lmao
Hi there. Just watched the vid until its past 2am for me now. I was upset with a conflict in my friend group last evening where 2 friends stressed each other out and I got upset with one because I wanted the problem to be solved while not always being the one to solve others problems.
I did some other things but when I was trying to sleep I couldnt let go of the topic. This video gave me some great insights, thank you for that.
I see myself somewhere on the spectrum of ego and confidence, but cant quite make out the tendence but thats not that relevant anyways I'd say.
The point is that I wanted to try the meditation exercise but I didnt and intead I got up, went on doing some stuff and was very thoughtful of myself and my character. I started describing myself with adjectives and while I was aware that those are just describtions and matched just roughly, I instinctivly took something like a scientific approach as you described it and in trying to get a better idea of my true self I probably did just the opposite by reinforcing or manifesting the false self.
I'm still thinking about it, thoughts are appreciated of course but just formulating it already helped :)
I only get offended when people assume I can’t handle the truth, especially when I _specifically ask for it_. As a creative, this drives me up a friggin’ wall.
I recommend to all to watch ''social dilemma'' once again
This video is really hit and miss for me. Quite often I like differing opinions on all sort of things, but I also really relate to specific instances of really hating when someone disagrees with a specific thing, and the reason is not confidence. I've always been a confident person since I was born, I have confidence in who I am as a person, and the way I move through life. Yet I still have the same issue at times, but for a different reason.
I don't feel that other peoples opinions have anything to do with me, I don't feel like I don't know who I am, I have always felt very strongly about who I am since I was a kid. But it still bothers me.
Can you give an example of when someone disagreed. And what it is that you felt?
@@robindehoyos8676 It can stem from a small or simple statement, such as something discriminatory, or someone refusing to show empathy, understanding, or respect; either to myself or other people. And I don't ever have thoughts that I'm not good enough, the thought I most often think in that situation is something akin to 'I can't believe people like this exist', or 'How can people treat other people this way'. But I always have full confidence in myself, and also my beliefs.
Thats just called having a good sense of justice i think. I mean if youre gonna get angry, those are pretty valid reasons. You think human dignity is worth something.
Thanks so much for making this video. Just understanding how this works is actually making it easier to deal with being triggert all the time
Ok I know it’s bad to laugh but Alok straight up going “maybe you didn’t have a great father figure” was hysterical
This is very insightful, thanks Dr. K!
As someone who's an amalgamation of things I perceive, I'm able to notice and develop a façade of confidence which is super duper easy, but yeah, that's just something I've created, not who I am. I hope with your advice I can sort this out, slowly but surely. Hope you have a good day! (And if you don't then, hopefully tomorrow would be brighter, or the day after!)
Dr k. you are damn good at your job... stay strong brother o7
Dr K’s best video to date. Thank you!
Thank you for this video Dr. K! :)
Really great video, makes you step back and think a lot. Keep it up bro
My problem is more like "Why don't I get mad at all?" Like almost nothing can get any reaction out of me.
Being calm, patient, and slow to anger is pretty much a super power. Also you are probably better suited for certain careers that other people can’t handle because they are too inherently ego sensitive. However if those traits are stemming from a place of general apathy or emotional numbness then that would be a concern.
@@sighborg_ Yea it's both and that's the problem.
I have a really chill personality so I never get loud. I can even play games like LOL where I am 30/0 and all others are feeding their brains out and we still lose an I am only like "Well better luck next time".
But I am also the later.
Its also coming from a place of apathy and numbness.
I am somewhat similar but I don't get panic from it just angry/annoyed
For small stuff it doesn't matter but it's worse for important opinions and topics
Man, how is it possible that Dr. K has a video on nearly EVERY single mental health topic under the sun....
Enjoy your talks 🖤
Same i check every single video he make, too much good content for free. Epic, straight to the point.
If i ever had a son this would be one of the most important teaching id try make him consider learn from
I grew up as an usual child in this respect. I've always had a reasonable temperament, but I have learned to consider others ideas more fully, because I tend to hold what I believe quite highly even if I know that I'm definitely not always right. I had other issues growing up.
This one grabbed me by the throat ngl 😭 realizing no one ever told me I'm allowed to make mistakes and they'll still like me if I do. Cuz the thing is that u might know your parents love you, but if they don't reassure u u actually can't know if they *like* you. Of course your parents love you as their child. Do they like u as a person though? Oh man
"The feeling you get when it goes down your throat... And the aftertaste"
Content for content
Sucks that I seem incapable of forming new relationships with people, and my current relationships are not at all a healthy support system. I am the emotional support for the people in my life, not the other way around, so I really, really, really fucking wish I could forge new relationships with people but I seem to be just incapable. Maybe I'm not a good enough person, maybe my anxiety attacks when I think about socializing with strangers are holding me back, maybe it's my unattractive features or my obesity, or my inability to financially support myself, or a combination of all of these things, but I just cannot seem to find anyone who is willing to meet me where I'm at, have a conversation with me, and potentially become acquaintances > friends.
Shit, when I was a kid and fell down nobody said, "oh poor baby." They told me to rinse off my knee and get back on the bike. They said yeah, I was allowed to cry because it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm allowed to quit. I was an only grandchild and no one in my family talked to me as if I was a wittle bitty baby. They spoke to me like I was an adult. Since before I can remember. That built a ton of confidence in me because I was never belittled as "just a child".
One thing I didn't hear you answer, and to me it's important. I have often become not just angry, but enraged, at people who have ideas that are just wrong. I'm not talking about opinions like wanting or not wanting pineapple on pizza; I'm talking about people who lack a basic education in any sort of science or joined-up thinking, yet still believe their ideas are valid -- or that pseudoscientific ideas are just "opinions," and "everyone has a right to their opinion," even if it's entirely uninformed. An example would be the one you gave: "COVID is a hoax." An even simpler example would be, "San Francisco is east of New York." That's just wrong. (Never mind the fact that the world is round and you CAN get to San Francisco by going east from New York; directions like "east of" refer to the shortest and most direct route between two points.)
I feel that I *should* be able to refute "COVID is a hoax" or other pseudoscientific ideas in a way that would be convincing, but I can't. I'm not a virologist or any sort of expert in infections. I don't have a PhD in anything. I don't know everything about anything, and it feels like I would need to know everything about a subject and be able to answer all possible questions about it, in order to give a convincing explanation.
And I can't seem to explain why it is that my trusting peer-reviewed research and the scientists who do it is QUALITATIVELY different from trusting some random UA-camr who says [whatever]. I can't explain why trusting scientists is not simply an appeal to authority, in the way that in the Middle Ages naturalists would appeal to authority with "Because Aristotle said so." Or, of course, "Because the Bible says so."
Essentially in order to provide a convincing argument against any pseudoscientific claim, I'd have to provide an entire course on what science *is*. But I'm not a very good teacher, and I'm actively a bad teacher for someone who doesn't want to learn. Generally a person with scientifically nonsensical ideas doesn't want to learn differently -- or at least doesn't want to be forcibly convinced that they're wrong.
So I get angry at what I see as deliberate ignorance and intentional stupidity. I don't even know whether I'm angry at the other person or angry at myself -- I think it's both.
this video explains my whole life's problems omg i really didn't expect this is the sourse :")
I always end up arguing on Instagram I think I’m gonna delete it
21:35 I felt a lot of mental resistance against this statement and the main lessons after, especially since we associate self with our purpose in society and our affect on others, until the meditation segment and everything clicked and made sense and felt a lot better. I realized what was triggering the panic attacks and what made me insecure online was because I associated my opinions (basically how I presented myself externally) with the true self. The concept of neti neti feels right to me. Apparently another interpretation is "beyond this, beyond that", which reminds me of "beyond the words I and others use to describe myself" and makes me think whether the true self is meant to be comprehended or not, but I'm totally okay not knowing.
from the basic understanding I have it's supposed to be experienced not understood as that's apart of your thought's. Which you can identify so not that.
Hey Doctor K!! You've helped me more than any other therapist ever has. You explain things in a way that I understand them - specifically, you provide relatively concrete reasons for an array of things I worry about. Previous therapists I've met with have often answered with something to the effect of "well there's no reason for the way you're feeling, everyone's just different" when I ask them if there's any reason at all for the way I'm feeling. Either way, thank you Doctor K.
"How does a disagreement become a judgement?" Generational trauma. Dealing with people with a personality disorder. "If you don't agree with me, there is something wrong with you." Any disagreement IS a judgement. And punishment, and gaining confidence after that comes off as the same thing. I was very arrogant about my ideas as a young adult, and it sometimes comes out with my judgemental friend. I try to talk things out with my spouse first before dealing with friend because spouse will gently point out flaws in my reasoning if he disagrees.
You know, this explanation of ego and confidence perfectly describes a subset of people that fall prey to conspiracy theories. There are people who are insecure in themselves and are gaining validation through others that belong to the conspiracy group. And since being part of a conspiracy group becomes extremely polarizing where people outside ridicule you while people inside validate you, they embed themselves deeper into the group and make the conspiracy group their identity (akin to the angry vegan example).
EDIT: Looks like Dr. K addressed it at @36:40 Dr. K is as thorough as usual.
Growing up without twitter🗿
I think veganism is a poor example. A lot of "angry vegans" are hurt animals are suffering and dying. It annoys me so much that we have to divide vegans up by "good vegans" being the ones that permit meat eaters. I might say "You do you" but honestly, no, I wish you'd stop hurting animals. And the people who know I am vegan love to make me a 2D caricature of myself when I am multi-faceted, it's not something I choose. I'm a nerd, I go to the gym, I like my undergrad study and languages.
@@og8425 I agree with you 100% on being compassionate with people and I have my own criticisms of activism done coercively or aggressively. It's been several months since I saw the video but from my understanding that's not what meat eaters are stereotyping- aggressive vs non aggressive. They are stereotyping vegans who are open and vegans who are silent. Again, we are all multi-faceted human beings. Also hello- always great to meet another vegan!
This meditative practice is very similar, and a lot of ways the same as the bell meditation.
the item or point of focus is not important, "anything" meditation. just do the meditation with diferent task and tricks. no cofee? breath air.
it could also be that he gets an adrenaline rush from it, and it's encouraging a sort of "addiction" to the behavior
Bingo 👏👏👏 It's a definite dopamine hit
Best video I've come up to so far. 😁 Doing great Doctor K. Really love your content 👍
I feel like I'm going to need to watch this video a few times because I'm familiar with this concept but never before have I related to it.
Iv identified my own need to express my opinions as being a result of being silenced by my parents and peers as a child.
What makes it complicated for me is I did have a lot of confusion that was related to being a black girl (1 of 3 total black kids in the whole school) in a sea of white people.
Getting into and understanding racism and feminism and the "sjw umbrella" helped me find concordance as a person who just didn't get it by default.
I know there was a time where it did become a part of my identity. I had previously validated it through my internal (often morbid) curiosity for the opinions of others and my internal desire to be heard.
To this day I know I have a higher priority on understanding but iv ignored the trigger which often makes my execution not match the intent.
While I don't think I'm alone /unique this topic is much more complicated for me but the tools are something I still hope to use.
Edit: performance based sense of self definitely hits home. I recently had to evaluate this side of me but hadn't related it to ego. My entire being has been defined by my performance. My parents expected performance and being a black Child I had to perform better because the expectation was low.
I know the affect is the same regardless of race or gender etc but I think this is an interesting topic to discuss which is-- how the bodies we are born into will affect how likely we are to experience concordance of emotion ie minorities are more likely to be raised on performance based sense of self due to the demands of having to exist in a society that simply will not understand how you feel.
I'm in conflict because I want to change this for future generations but I want to also heal from the damage existing like this has caused me.
same i want to heal trillion animal exploitaiton of the past, imposible, and wish for a better future where humans dont cry over words meaning and their ego is hurt while consuming atrocious animal cruelty with salt and cream, by hurting their whole body, freedom and familly :)
As soon as something is more popular i get triggered If the majority has extrem opinions about it. For example ATLA Netflix vs Cartoon. Sentences Like "Nothing will top the OG…"and the Most devestating Part is that they have a Point which means i can say Nothing against it. (I Loved the cartoon BTW)
I am not a good person, for I have done bad things.
I am not a bad person, because I have done good things.
I am not beautiful, as sometimes I am ugly.
I am not ugly either, since sometimes I am beautiful.
I am not smart, for I have done stupid things.
I am not stupid, because I have done smart things.
Neti, neti; neither this nor that.
The only things I can sincerely and honestly claim about myself are that which I am not.
Everything else I can contradict and disprove.
When I go far enough with this, I will reach a dead end.
Gazing into the void from the edge of the universe.
"Nothing! What am I, then?" I wonder.
I am nothing and nothing is " ".
Whatever image you have of it is not nothing.
It is " " and I am " ".
So I turn around and return.
On my way back I ponder "What's beyond my field of vision?"
At first I think it's nothing...
but then I realize, it's not nothing; it's everything, but I am simply unaware of it.
Nothing was ever the same after all this, heh.
I love that I'm not the only one that defaults to the pineapple pizza example when describing the nature of offense and how divorced from objective reality it can be.
It's annoying when you're right and someone is wrong, and u know your right tho.
Dr. K. Please do a video about substance addiction
i droped speed acid canabis alchool animal-corpse animal-secretions artificial sugar oils .. i just need to stop cafein now !
*spasm
I love this tea drinking exercise. Thank you.
What advice do you have for the people who are lied about constantly by a fraudulently good person in influential groups? In ways that could be easily proven as defamation or slander in court, but you’re too poor to sue? And, you have severe trauma from being put in positions where you have to document everything you do constantly in your own life, so of course that behavior will now look egotistical thanks to this video, but is actually just that person having to survive others’ attempts to lie and make people who are easy targets because of stereotypes a scapegoat or something of a sacrifice to an ongoing lie. Because, if you don’t document everything, if you don’t constantly collect receipts and evidence of the reality 24/7, then the lie about you will only continue, others then believe the lie, and then your entire life and reputation could’ve been permanently ruined? This needs to be addressed. It’s missing from this video, and that’s dangerous. This happens all of the time in toxic relationships and toxic family and/or work environments. It also happens in our justice system far too often.
I fail to understand how this oddly specific situation is related to the topic
underrated
@@Kaybye555 it's because this is a video about mental health and they have a question about mental health.
Excellent point
My advice is learn as much as you can about narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder and How to manage situations where you cannot be no contact from these kind of people. The righteous and justified anger is dangerous to your physical and emotional health
45:50 Okay that was interesting because I found out that my mind actually rejects this idea. I did the meditation practice and it's correct, at the moment of drinking water I couldn't tell who "I am", neither could the "alien", it is just a moment in time without any external factors etc. I get that. Where my mind bluescreened is where Dr.K said this is all that life is. I find it hard to accept that, because those moment aren't really separate. It's not just a "moment to moment" experience, it's a chain of connected events. Together they form an experience that has consequences. Saying that life is just a collection of moments devoid of external meaning doesn't make any sense to me. Life is more than just me and my experience of something in this current moment. Life consists of my own internal experience but also other people experiencing those things on their own. Together we form "life". It's not just me, it's everyone.
I thought of this as something that's mostly about meditation (I think the goal was to build confidence?). Like, it's not that your race or hobby or gender identity or whatever aren't part of who you are, and it's not that you don't experience those things, but they exist separately from who you actually are when you're present in a given moment. I agree with you that life is about more than just this, but I don't think I really interpreted Dr. K as saying it isn't, just that when we're meditating, we can be someone who's separate from those things, and that self is more "true" in a sense, because it's absent anything that's been imposed on us (even by ourselves, like the perception that I'm a terrible person, or that I'm stupid, or whatever).
I can't stand when others think they know everything and try to battle wits with me. It isn't generally an opinion thing with me, I just get so angry when others try to tell me I'm wrong and argue with me. I've been this way my whole life and I'm curious if others have any tips.
I'd recommend listening to Daryl Davis. Essentially the biggest part is to actually listen to someone, even if you greatly disagree. If you want other people to listen to you, then the first step is to be willing to listen to them.
Sounds like you need a little humility. Often times, BOTH sides of an argument "know" they're right, which is to say they are both 110% sure they're right (Like when someone asks why you're so sure, and you say "I just KNOW, okay?")
Consider the possibility YOU might be wrong. Unless it's something completely stupid, like arguing with a flat-earther (Although take this bit of advice with a HEAVY grain of salt because "completely stupid" is subjective. As an example, some people don't believe being transgender is a real thing and it seems as stupid to them as flat-earth theories. Not here to make a political statement, just showing how what's "completely stupid" can be subjective).
Step 3, is consider WHY someone is so adamant about something you think they're wrong about. See where they're coming from. Nobody is WILLFULLY STUPID. If they're confident they're right, then they're not necessarily stupid, they're just convinced they're smart. Same way you probably think you're pretty smart. It's annoying to think about it that way, but that's just how it is.
For example, someone who was raised their entire life to believe evolution isn't real isn't "stupid" because it's not their fault. They were raised that way. So getting mad at _them_ is wasted effort, and is also unfair.
Lastly, realize some people can't be convinced otherwise and that's okay. Some people will just never change their mind the same way you'll never change your mind on certain things you consider to be "undeniable truths."
The world is messy. Every fiction contains a bit of truth and every truth contains a bit of fiction. Science and what's "factual" is ever-changing and fluid, so it's okay to consider what may seem to be wild viewpoints. Not listening to differing opinions and claiming you're always right is actually very _anti-scientific._
Do you feel like it matters whether you're actually wrong or not? Does the anger come because you belive strongly that you're right or specifically because someone is challenging you?
@@bugjams I think this was actually a really combative and deeply flawed response. It seems to me like you suffer from and are doing some of the same things as the original commenter. There's a strong air of superiority in your comment - like you're above the fray - and you sound pretty convinced that your perspective is "correct." It's very interesting.
@@xavierjdesigns Well now we've hit a roadblock, haven't we. I can just return the notion that YOU'RE acting superior, and we can go back and forth and be here all day. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be right, don't they?
I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just offering my perspective. I usually try and write in a professional tone, if I sound smug or holier-than-thou then I apologize.