Why You Feel Like Everyone Else Is Stupid
Вставка
- Опубліковано 20 тра 2024
- Learn more about meditation in Dr K's Guide to Mental Health! bit.ly/3jHRYLh
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Reddit Post (Everyone is stupid except me)
5:05 - Being smart is isolating
7:38 - Conditioning
9:39 - Longing for connection
11:16 - Judgmentality
13:54 - 1v1 me IRL
15:12 - We hate in others what we cannot fix for ourselves
18:25 - Relationship goes both ways
20:42 - Trying to fix internal problems by interacting with the opposite
28:25 - Questions
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Major in Engineering. The most humbling experience ever. Go from the smartest person in highschool , to the dumbest student in class real fast
That happens even in the humanities. There was this guy, clearly a bit autistic, who on the first day of class started talking very technically about grammar and clauses. Made me feel really stupid
Happens with Comp Sci too.
Wish that was the case for everyone
i went to a really shitty engineering school and it cured my impostor syndrome🤣 so it works the other way around too
I still wonder how I got to my last semester even when I know how dumb I am
What a scam too saying that anyone who's good at maths can take on engineering
I feel the exact opposite of this LMAO. I feel like everyone took a class on how to be a well functioning adult but forgot to invite me
As an autistic man, I know how you feel. Lol.
Being a well-functioning adult has nothing to do with being intelligent or not as society rewards compliance and never asking any difficult questions means better mental health. Society is set up in such a way it caters to the convenience of the lowest common denominator so that they are more easy to exploit.
@@edmondarmstrong1834 That explains declining mental health over the years. I find it harder and harder to exist. Even most of my good friends feel farther away because they've shown they're more selfish and less caring than once believed.
If it means anything to anyone reading this comment.
No one is really 100% well adjusted, and being it doesn't mean they are a good or competent person.
@@nicocampos170 you're right, in reality no one REALLY knows what they're doing, at least to the level I suspect, but knowing that and feeling that are definitely two different things
"Think about how stupid the average person is. And then realize 50% of the population is even stupider than them." - George Carlin
Even George Carlin wasn't smart enough to know the difference between average and median
@@dashphonemail your argument isn't that good when you have to resort to semantics to counter. Member dat.
@@dashphonemail This isn't reddit, honey, are you lost?
@dashphonemail People like you, constantly trying to find a "got ya" moment for every situation and person you encounter, are pathetic. You don't seem smarter than anyone, you seem like an egotistical a-hole.
@@abnormpsych17 not always true
This kid was actually quite articulate and explained how he felt very well. There's really no way you can express something like that without sounding arrogant to some people. Being ND alone can already make it difficult to relate to neurotypicals. Having above average intelligence on top of that can only make things worse.
The problem with this kind of person is that they are generally only marginally above average in intelligence, and, when you zoom out to the big picture, really don't have the leg up that they think they do on the people they criticize. Reddit is a website completely chock full of this exact type of person. Millions of "undiscovered geniuses" who are shift leads at McDonald's. Ironic.
Yeah it took me a long time to achieve the level of self awareness that I carry because I never had any of my needs met by the people who were supposed to care for me and teach me how to live which necessarily comes off as "above it all" to certain people because I have a system of identifying problems and creating a plan of action for addressing those problems then executing on my plan once I feel it is ready rather than just taking it all on my back and pretending like I am a perfect person with no problems the way everyone else seems to want to do.
I feel this, I never want to say out loud that I feel this way but I have adhd and autism and it so often feels like people are going through life with no logic and actively ruining their own life for nothing. It's not to say I've been perfect, I've handled money badly in the past due to undiagnosed adhd and having never been allowed to have a money as a kid because I wasn't trusted with it until I moved out and got a job and subsequent debt. Now I'm almost debt free and manage money much better, but it's still such a huge frustration when I see people double my age unable to Google anything on their own or having affairs out of boredom, drinking constantly, and yet they're always pointing the finger at you at work for being stupid but it's always because they don't understand what you're trying to tell them so they assume that means it's wrong and not that they need it explaining a different way. I have no problem saying when I don't get something but I always find those who never need it explaining are often just pretending to get it if that makes sense? I guess out of pride?
High IQ is a life sentence of loneliness. Double so if also high empathy and sensitive. Double yet again if neurodiverse. Double yet again if also another minority, racial or sexuality etc.
@@someonesomeone25 it’s truly the worst!!!
When I was young, I thought I was stupid. I grew a bit, I thought everyone else was stupid.
Now, I think everyone is stupid- me included.
(Tim and eric galaxy brain explosion gif)
Everyone is an idiot at something.
everyone is smart and dumb in every situation lmao
True story.
Most people are specialist in a few things and novices in all other areas
I don't feel like other people are stupid or worse than me, I just have a really hard time with the fact that most other people don't intuitively understand many things and have a naturally strong moral compass. It's frustrating when you feel like you're trying your hardest to do things right and make as few mistakes as possible and other people don't care.
this👌
but that is their lives, right? why does it affect you what other do in their life when it has nothing to do with you?
A)Do you work hard so others can see you working hard
OR
B)do you do it because is something you want in your life?
if it is A, why is it so important to seek validation of others that you are working hard in your life?
if it B, then if you are working hard for yourself because you want improve in life, why do you care if other do or don't do the same for their life?
Either way you are trying to get someone's atention by "hey look at me" or "mm look at them"
@@GreenGnoblin isolation.
@@GreenGnoblin No on wants to be alone
@@RIP_ZYZZ1738 ??? what?
I think I'm generally "smarter" than most people, it comes from consistently being frustrated with the general public's struggles with curiosity and especially empathy. I feel almost that the more caring and empathetic I become, the more disappointed I am by people's failings in those areas.
I had this issue when I was younger, eveybody else wasn't up to par to debate me in politics, history, theology, astronomy then I understood that my thinking method was totally different than most people and later on I understood that people can debate with me but I have to make the effort to start the conversation with simple subjects that I can then expand upon into more complex subjects, it's not that we are smarter than other people but we see things differently once you talk with people and just ask them how do you think about this ? ( How and not what ), you then understand more about how other people think and generally subject A leads to subject B and then subject C, where with me subject A leads to subjects B,C,D,E etc... in short most people think in a line, where higher IQs people think in tree. If you think in tree, just try to draw a line people can follow and then they will exchange ideas with you, without feeling you're from another dimension.
@@Fairbranksthecatthinking in a line versus in a tree is a very helpful way for me to see it. I've always called myself a tangential thinker (as opposed to a linear one), but calling my thinking style "tangential" suggests that my style lacks order, which of course it does not. I'm using "tree thinking" from here on out.
@HopperDragon
You got it.
No empathy, no curiosity, and NO want to explore.
Big on the empathy. So many social issues are considered "complicated," and that I just "don't understand the full picture" when it's just a complete lack of empathy. Homelessness is never deserved, the prison system is abusive and inhumane, Israel shouldn't carpet bomb children, etc. None of that is complicated, we're just told it is so we don't turn our empathy into outrage.
@@etta5487It is more complicated if you know history well. There are too many variables to consider. It’s usually not a question of right or wrong, but is the best decision based on what I know at the time. Have you ever heard the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”? How did that saying come about and where did it apply in the past. Everything the government has done, in regards to social programs,has made the problems worse. Liberals don’t read thomas Sowell because they would have to change everything they believe to be true. Too painful for most people to do.
Real talk, I spent a long time working in a factory. I was the company math nerd and crunched numbers for the quality department. Legitimately 90% of the employees were stupid, especially the ones that made a habit of pointing out other people's stupidity. This taught me that it's entirely plausible that if you think everyone around you is an idiot you could potentially be reading the situation correctly and it's also not impossible that if you find yourself in the situation where everyone around you is an idiot, you belong there.
If you question your surroundings, I doubt it.
But if you go off the “vibe” or “emotion impulse” to say everyone is an idiot then it could be you’re also one.
@@carlos_3141 it’s hard to provide “unbiased opinions” for their own nature.
But I think Dan griffin is right. You could be surrounded by idiots and not be one, but also the opposite. Personally, I always say that if you don’t fit in on groups that you deem dumb you are right. At least that’s my experience.
"Legitimately 90% of workers are idiots, especially the ones calling other out to be stupid" well... Im like... Is this sarcasm?
So you're saying that you belong there?
@@Marie-di5gl Someone finally caught the joke.
I’ve found this is only a problem with socially anxious / isolated people. I think the gap between our thoughts and how they’re expressed is really underestimated. We understand that we have really complex and nuanced thoughts, but don’t see how much of that is actually shown externally. So while other people will be having complex and nuanced thoughts as well, having your inner world meet their inner world is waaaayyyy more difficult than people expect. This is exacerbated when you try to express yourself on something you’ve been thinking a lot about and figure out the succinct way to approach it, but they can’t respond. The thing is, it’s not because they’re stupid they’ve just been thinking about different concepts, so of course they’re not prepared to have a deep philosophical discussion about something esoteric you’ve been pondering. When you start to spend a lot of time around people in uncontrolled situations where you’re out of your comfort zone, you really start to realize that you’re dumb in the same way you think everyone else is because suddenly you are in so many situations that you’re unprepared for. Of course you’re going to come off as an idiot. The lovely thing is, that’s totally reasonable :)
Wow, that's a very well written comment. I appreciate that.
Well said.
Heh sounds about right. Feels like you have been living it from the way the text is written.
That is why I prefer communicating with text. Because i can think of how i structure everything with no time limit nor any kind of flow needed to communicate my thoughts.
But with practice and with a lot of stumbling i get better, at least for expressing my main points.
Arguing is one of my biggest fears. Like feeling like i'm absolutely right and failing at convincing the other. Makes me tend to fold to the other.
back when i worked in fast food all my coworkers thought i was literally mentally disabled but when i worked retail or IT everyone treated me like i was the smartest one there
That why Debate Needs A "Topic".
To Narrow our wandering attention and Focus.
You Worded this Awesomely, I can relate so hard....
Usually the debaters also have time to prepare
I had the same confusion as this guy have. It turned out to be that those people surrounded me were actually, indeed, stupid. It is not a subject feeling, it is just a fact. Finally, I met a bunch of smart and reasonable people in college and felt like I got a relief. I knew I was right, but the whole environment was gaslighting me that cheating is just something everyone does, and science is stupid and so on. I just don’t want to join them anyway. Sometimes, getting out of your current stupid environment is more important than changing yourself.
Right on man. Sorry people are just so damn stupid. Be a part of that group and you will feel left out
That's it man. You just got to find the right people to hang out with
This is the case somtimes i experienced this in university with peers where I'm like how tf you get in this program with a grade 3 reading capability. But I got a great job with yet still some people just slightly lower on Iq but other very very smart and engaging people that challenge me and we learn off of each other often. I don't feel like the smartest person there it is humbling. But it was deffinatly the area and environment where that is just a lot of people that have little mental capacity. But it also is about what another comment said is sense of topic. Example I am a fan of mtg (magic the gathering) I should not be going up to random people and debate them and challenge them on the niche topic because what the hell some random person going to know about a planeswalker and for me to get upset they are too stupid for not knowing what a planeswalker is and cutting them off is the "smart" persons fault.
tbh I'm neurodivergent and I think K got his analysis kinda wrong in some aspects. I think it has more to do with having a different disposition for socializing. some people like to discuss knowledge and facts instead of discussing people and relations. this doesn't mean necessarily that they are smarter. I have met very intelligent people that really liked small talk and stupid sh*t. that's probably because they are neurotypical and would spend lots of time researching their field of knowledge, which is very mentally taxing to do (much more than debating random knowledge fields without much study). but anyway, being around people talking about bland topics usually drains me, and I'm not able to really get into the conversation. but today I know it doesn't have an intrinsic relation with intelligence, it's just that I'm a bit different. and it is maddening to not have access to likely-minded people to talk to. yes, presuming that everyone around you is dumb is a very immature and, ironically, dumb reading of the situation. but it doesn't change the fact that we are still furless monkeys that get the big sad if we don't socialize like other social animals. and being different means it is, indeed, a challenge to socialize in a "normal-centric" society. I relate to this loneliness. but please, just don't be an *ss because of it 😅
@@gustavogoesgomes1863 Your comment was way more interesting, informative, and introspective than this whole meandering video.❤
My parents didn’t teach me to be judgmental- that personality trait developed from being so bored and ill-matched with most other people.
I have so many things that I’m interested in doing and talking about, yet it’s near impossible to find anyone offline who is as excited about _just one_ of those interests.
I’m neurodivergent as well, and even though I got over the whole “everyone else is just dumb “ phase, being out of it doesn’t fix the fact I end up around people that numb my mind despite my attempts to pay attention, and that I cannot find my “tribe”.
This is why therapy is always hard for me, because I have these thoughts/feelings that people don’t respond well to, so I don’t exactly get sympathy. So I don’t even know what to tell a therapist.
I’m always reminded of the phrase “you’re the average of the five people you hang around most,”and currently in my life I feel like I’m being held back severely. (I don’t think I’m smarter than everybody, but the people I hang around with are obnoxiously clueless about things and it’s frustrating and isolating.)
nice profile picture
I feel the same for my best friend who didn't go to college.
If your therapist says this kind of stuff, change. You’ll certainly find a good one out there
people choose to be stupid
Verified not dumb guy ✅
I feel for you brother…
Why does this 33 minute talk seem more valuable than 1,000 hours with most licensed therapists?
the wrong person will never say the right thing
Dr. K spends most of his time talking to and dealing with people like us- who exist in this realm and majority of what he says is relevant because we share this space.
Because therapists have the easiest job in the entire world and their profession has virtually no value when it comes to actually making people better.
Fr
Because they might've set ground for those 33 minutes, and setting ground is most difficult.
"why do I feel like everyone is stupid except for me?" "I just graduated high school, and..." Ah, there it is.
I think that happens to everyone , sometimes i feel i´m smarter , my friends think the same my father aswell , we all want to be the protagonist of the life .
Girls who only want to date men who also went to uni/college... prime example.
@@CoachSpongeLoL We are ones, tho. That's ur own story. But yea, there are differences between "being" and "wanting to be".
@@miruarmiel1361 😯
That's the reason but it's difficult for anyone who's at that age AND in pain to see beyond what's lying ahead of them.
The solution is extremely simple: Be willing to be friends with stupid people. Then let them surprise you.
Yeah. My friend is smarter than me, but for a while after I met him I thought I was smarter because of how silly he acts. Smart people can act silly, or even stupid.
This just in: my friend has informed me that this is called a “personality”, and he claims everyone has one. Who knew, right?
Ive found a lot of people's "intelligence" is something different. Some people are smarter at certain things. My brother in law can barely spell or write. And he doesnt do the deep philosophical discussions, but build something with him and you'll realize how much he can visualize all the measurements. Or when we play chess, without any classical chess lessons he easily beats most people. Sees 4 or 5 moves ahead. My fiance can hardly spell or do algebra but she has an intelligence geared more towards general ideas and she has amazing perception. Finding ways that any one person is smart youll start to realize there are very few actual dumb people in the world. They might be dumb at some things but others they do better than you.
the last time i let stupid people(my dad) to surprise me i ended up with 90.000€ debt. Not again. The only way to pay this debt in my country is to sell drugs
Just make sure they are kind and well meaning thats more important than intelligence.
@@andrewsmith8715 for sure
I don't feel like everyone else is stupid at all.
What I mostly struggle with is "Why does nobody else understand me?" Or "why do people keep misunderstanding me?"....
Yeah that's because you have average IQ. The ones of us with high IQ can tell in two seconds whether someone has average, below average or above average IQ. Equally intelligent people are great and refreshing because they are quite rate, more intelligent people are absolutely fascinating and inspiring and less intelligent people are annoying as hell and frustrating.
I also pretty much have an outsider
Complex, but I do acknowledge that people like me exist and will understand me
Because I am a total f ing dumbass in real life I don't remember or know
Basic shit that I should, and that leads to me avoiding conversations with people and in that confusion I also forget things I know about,
But I am not socially awkward, it's just that having time alone is a necessarity to health
Plus i have tried and socialised with
People and when I did genuinely with no intention I socialized with people perfectly like I was in the group so it's safe to say that now it's purely a decision to be like this,
I personally do feel like other people are leading life's too busy to understand mine, I don't use Instagram because I just don't wanna force myself into their social bubble if not necessary
My older brother is one of the people to at least get a hold of things I love to talk about
Fiction, writing, about feelings and fears, expression though art and
Making something soild with its own
Message ,way and soul
My imagination floods with ideas when I talk to someone
Ironically that might mean you actually are smarter than them. I had doctors tell me i was in the 97th percentile of intelligence at a very young age (meaning smarter than 97% of ALL CHILDREN). Forgot about it and went on with life. Was always miserable and never could figure out why i had so much trouble with relationships. No self confidence. Remembered i actually am supposed to be smarter than 97% of people and started paying more attention, realized my first impressions were most accurate and skyrocketed in confidence, creativity, productivity and saving time.
When I was a kid I used to think everyone is stupid. Then as I got older I thought I'm probably just arrogant. But now I find my self feeling embarrassed for my colleagues a lot. Most people really are very stupid and it's really frustrating. It kinda just makes me want to give up on things.
@@DefenderPuma it's because of a broken system where stupid people are rewarded because they reproduce more even though their children will have terrible lives because of it. It's kind of the fundamental human problem
This is actually closer to what I remember feeling in high school, rather than "everyone is rejecting me", it was "I'm rejecting everyone else, because they can't seem to get it through their heads that there's more to life than partying". I just couldn't comprehend why someone would focus more on short-term pleasure than intense focus on academics.
this. im going thru this exact same thing now in college. so now I'm just tryna buckle down and secure my degree within trying to engage socially as much. being in engineering doesn't help much with the social either lol. but it does get lonely
You have to surround yourself with people who share your life goals, otherwise you'll be on a path of your own with zero guidance while looking at the other side of life wondering why and how those people who shouldn't be trusted to operate a motor vehicle at highway speeds are ahead of you.
90% of success is the connections you have.
@@Vanity0666 ok but where to get those connections, where to find people who are just like me?
@@JAKE-ng8yr in the places where people who share interests with you congregate, conventions, social events, school, etc
@@Vanity0666 there are no conventions or social events about my interest. Also I just like talking to inteligent people. There isn't a place about "inteligent people meetup" lol I just like discussing things
My therapist told me that this behaviour pattern is pretty common in people who are actively or passively taught that relationships are only based off social hierarchies, essentially meaning that you need to "prove to be worthy enough" to have a friend, partner or whatever. People like these - like me - often find themselves believing they want to have peers, but actively seek for people who are "worse than them" only to try and fix them, therefore consolidating the whole hierarchy thing (I solved your problem, this means I'm higher ranked than you).
EUREKA! I just have to look for people like them, to fix my problems for me!
Its so hard believing in inherent value, im in this same boat
@@hungry6012 i heard some dude say, what does it mean to be confident? it means to believe you will be able to solve a problem if it arises WITHOUT objective reasons for thinking so. Because if you are confident about yourself only because you know you've dealt with a similar problem before - that's an objective reason and isn't actually confidence, it's just knowledge.
It's very much like inherent value in people. If you only believe people have inherent value for reasons x, y, z - that's like saying people don't have ANY value. You SHOULD have confidence in yourself, because when a NEW problem arises you won't just sit down and die, you WILL figure it out and learn to navigate it (solve it or otherwise). It's very hard to live life only having objective cofidence, that is, having terror over the unknown. Same with people having inherent value. You just don't feel like you're worth anything if you don't have the objective 'THINGS' you can do or have to prove that to yourself. I wish you to change this.
@@uuamenator I appreciate the words, they really shine a better light to my current philosohy on self worth with others, ill make sure to read this whenever my mind wanders
@@uuamenator ah, I seem to be lacking in confidence and attempting to make up for it by constantly working to improve my knowledge, and that seems to explain some issues I’ve had - confidence and knowledge are separate things, and I’m unlikely to improve one by working on the other, it would also seem.
I know (edit: I wasn’t the intended recipient), but thank you.
"I just graduated high school..." As a lot of the commenters here pointed out, a lot of us go through this phase some time in our adolescence / early adulthood. The truth is, everybody is stupid at something. Intelligence of an individual, in practice, is applied very selectively, only on the particular topics of interest.
Yeah, but also some people aren't intereted in being interesting, and some people have bad social skills that make them hard to interact with, and it doesn't matter how old either of you are.
If someone else is fixated upon how superior they are, especially in comparison to myself (because they're using one specific metric to determine my value), then I'm not gonna go out of my way to be 'interesting' to gain their approval.
With any luck, the 'smart' guy will wise up and leave me alone.
@@LurkerPlus But are you actually interesting in anyway? If so, please give an example.
@@gallopingoctopus1364 wouldn't being interesting be considered subjective? Like if someone thought you were interesting by: 1) your knowledge of pop culture, 2) how many weird facts you know, 3) a talent or skill that no one/rarely can replicate, 4) what you believe in, 5) what you're passionate about. Etc. etc.
Like I find people who know useless game knowledge, as interesting, where someone else might say that person is not interesting to them. Most people I interact with irl show more interest with others when you've watched the same Netflix shows, or watch the same sports games, pop culture stuff.
Except there's this thing called "general intelligence" and it's rather easily measurable. But it's still different from "perceived intelligence" - just being anxious or preoccupied can make your usually quick-witted brain fog up and fail to respond correctly, creating an impression of incompetence for the witnesses. But there really is a gap between stupid and smart people. Unfortunately that gap is invisible to the stupid people themselves, because they just lack the necessary capacities; they only see the stupid people below them, not the stupid people above them, and smart people just don't exist in their world altogether. They think they are the smart ones.
I tested and got IQ ~135 when I was 19, and I maxed out the military aptitude test, but I was surrounded by criminals, alcoholics, racists and a few nazis in my everyday life, in the most religious city in my country. I felt like the biggest outsider. Then I read that "you become like the people you spend the most time with" and I was like "NOPE!" and just ghosted the 30 people I hung out the most with. But now I suddenly had ZERO friends. What to do now? Tried being a member of Mensa, and that helped a little bit - it was so refreshing to be able to use my full vocabulary all of a sudden without having to dumb down how I talk to make people understand what I'm saying. I really grew from that experience of just being able to ask questions for once, and not just answer them, but didn't really bond with anyone there or make friends. Then I applied for engineering physics at university, and holy crap that was waaaay better socially than Mensa. I left Mensa and just hung out with classmates instead - I was no longer the smartest and actually felt dumb often enough to feel totally normal there. Throughout these experiences I met people who were SO much smarter than me, that I really learnt that there's always somebody smarter/stronger/faster/etc.... and I was very often dumb! And this made me infinitely compassionate towards "dumber" people. Because I'm a blabbering idiot in some topics compared to some people. In fact, most people I teach science or math to tell me that they really enjoy learning from me, because I don't make them feel dumb, I make them feel smart. Which they are. They are smart. And I envy several things most people are able to do, but I can't do. In many ways, my brain sucks. Just not in the geometric algebra way.
I‘m not as smart as you by far but I feel you on the dumbing down your vocabulary for people lmao
Anyone who joins mensa is a weird, i'm sorry...
A guy from Mensa, George Trepal was convicted of murder. So based on that one data point I'll extrapolate and say you don't want to hang out with a bunch of murders. Unless you're into that sort of thing, then it might be good.
Bro is flexing his iq in youtube comments 💀💀💀
@@sigmamale4147 yeah.. wtf, this isn't reddit.
Some people are genuinely incompetent and simple minded…lacking depth, or rationale. A lot are unreliable as well, lacking self awareness
Yup
Yes, but they often have that amor fatí that nietzche and others envied. They die with a "I regret nothing" as they near the end. Why are inhibited guys often attracted to the wilder chics? Same reason. A bit of envy of a devil may care attitude and a bit of envy of their passion for fun and thrills without second thoughts or concerns about it. They just live intensely and make their own rules.
@@Bf26fge admire the eloquence
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru never said dumb, and even if i did just because someone is generally simple, that doesn’t negate the possibility of them being talented or skilled. Theyre are a lot of successful inceompetent people, theres a spot for everyone in the world. But just because someone excels at something, can hyperfixate on something or a specific subject, that doesn’t mean they can think critically, know how to problem solve or have self awareness though, which is my point. Also if you are going to use the word dumb, you would have to define what you mean by that because everyone has their own interpretation of what they consider to be dumb. Im not saying that people are completely absent minded, im saying ^ most lack depth. I never denied the possibility that theres learning opportunity for everyone and thattheres things i dont know that they may know. I also dont think someone being dumb equates to them being incapable of being knowledgeable
Seems like a toxic way to degrade people and just say "well, some people are just inferior and not worth helping"
It’s not that I feel others are “stupid” I know everyone is smart in their own ways and offers a vast library of personalized knowledge and experience, and insight. I just struggle with figuring out what angle they’re looking at life at and how to pivot myself to that angle to better relate.
Feel u bro
+1
I don't understand... Are u saying you're trying to dig this deep into somebody else's psyche before a basic friendship even gets developed on a common denominator interest???
@@dvo1245 I think the op is just trying to better relate to people by looking at things from the other persons perspective and trying to better understand the people they meet or friends they already have by
@@jamie0193 *if it's an established friendship, I get it, but that kind of poking & analyzation is a little suspect with somebody u just met... You build a deeper understanding & relation through time duration & shared experiences together along the way... I believe even if someone was willing to tell u what they're all about from the jump, u still need time duration & shared experience to verify, so why jump the gun just to get stuck playing detective??? If the OP answers, I guess we'll know...
Early childhood trauma has led to me being extremely judgmental as a defense mechanism. It provided me security when I was young, as being able to tell what mental state my father was in helped my decision making. I hate being so judgmental now, since it gets in the way of forming new relationships with people. I'd most likely be more outgoing and empathetic if I still didn't harbor that learned-trait.
I learned the same behaviour. My mother was bi-polar and narcissistic while also being abusive, which meant I was constantly playing "guess her mood" multiple times a day, so that lead me to be extremely judgemental and overanalysing people's facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. She was also extremely nitpicky which meant I was constantly changing how I was behaving just so that she wouldn't snap at me -
"you talk too much"
"you talk too little"
"you talk too loudly"
"why are you mumbling?"
"why are you doing it this way? Do it that way"
"why are you doing it that way?" You told me to. "Are you back chatting me?"
"Why can't you be like _insert name here_?" and many others.
So stressful. I just ended up not speaking at all in the end.
Oh my god, I hear ya... my mother was a pathological liar/abuser who would make up bad things to say I did so she could compete with her only friend over who had the worst kids (the friend honestly did have awful kids, like pregnant at 15 awful), and then she would punish me for her made-up crimes. Now I think everyone is full of bullshit, and I'm always looking out for the sick motivations behind everything they complain about. I hate everyone because I always think they're on the verge of calling the cops on me or berating me for some imagined crime, or just because I'm me.
Thank you for sharing you stories, I hope all goes well for you both in the future. My father is a large, narcissistic, loudmouth, who would berate me for any reason (most of the time none at all) during his binge drinking. If it wasn't anger, he would cry and beg me to hold him. If it wasn't sadness, he'd try to play with me like a puppy dog. All extremely annoying and ultimately harmful situations to deal with from a supposed caretaker.
@@peachesandcream8753 SO RELATABLE. like, genuinely, this is probably the most relatable comment ive seen on this whole site
@@peachesandcream8753 for me it was more like father then mother, but same "do the two completely opposite orders at once" behaviour... I was never allowed to be "right". I was always "guilty" of anything goes wrong with any % of my participation or even without it. There was a whole bunch of accusations for every possible situation in the life. And universal(my most "loved" one) -- "you should guess it yourself!". Can you imagine such an accusation? Especially when after hundreds of reproaches I started to not do anything I wasn't explicitly told to not hear "_who_ told you to do that?" thing. Always "wrong" and "guilty", no matter what. The mere possible case when I theoretically "not being guilty" if I done something from the 1st try in the most quality way. But cmon, how was that possible? Being a kid and do stuff like a seasoned master. Not saying that any possible desire to put _my own_ efforts were constantly killed by perpetual ranting with any detail I did "not like that". There was no room for me to "try" anything under the looking-for-failure supervision.
And now they[parents] are pretending like that never happened. Just "great". Seems I just "imagined" all that sh*t you wouldn't have enough fantasy for or whatever. Now they expect me to "call" and "talk", and I'm also "bad" for not doing it every two weeks (or even days). And those who was living in relatively better conditions just fucking can't imagine or thing what is it like, and have like zero compassion. And how am I supposed to "divide" the world who can understand ("smart") and those who can't ("stupid")? When I tried to reach to people describing all in tiniest details but most of them still responded "I don't understand". F*ck, how can't you understand *anything*? Why can I understand others people troubles and you don't??? But yeah, it's easier to just "laugh" at somebody's worse fate then trying to actually use brain when answering words-_-
Speaking from experience, it’s very hard to build relationships with people if you’re coming from a place of judgment. Once I’ve actually started speaking with people more, and gave them a chance to open up and learned more about them I realize that every person’s story had something to teach me, and every person in their life had some experiences that in one way, or another could be applied to me. I stopped judging them because I know I’m just as flowed as a human being but in a different way.
Having a community that understands your struggles and what you were going through is actually very empowering. Once you stop using your judgment and rejection as a mechanism to avoid genuine connection.
i remember i said something to a friend once, like, “i *know* i am smarter than most people, and it’s exhausting to have to act ‘humble’. but i also know that it doesn’t make me any better than anyone else- and i don’t see why appreciating my own strengths has to be arrogant.” i have many weaknesses. i struggle with practical application of my knowledge; i overthink and don’t take enough decisive action in emotional situations; i do my best to admit i am wrong but i still catch myself pretending i was right all along and feel guilty for it; i struggle to manage time or maintain motivation or have a daily routine… i have my strengths and weaknesses. and everyone else has their own strengths and weaknesses. i’m not frustrated with people’s lack of intelligence; i’m sad that they often don’t even try to understand me or my thought process, probably because it seems too difficult even when i try to explain. it makes me feel lonely to not be understood.
now that i’m in college, i’ve been able to surround myself with people who keep up with me- and people i have to keep up with. it’s exhilarating and it’s so, so validating to know i really *was* just smarter. it’s like i can just be honest about being *good* at stuff, and it feels really good to be able to be confident in myself.
So with you. True, you know it when you're smart in spite of your shortcomings or realisation of smarter people. And it's very exhausting 'acting humble', putting up with people who are less capable. You don't want to come off as being up on a high horse when you definitely know you're indeed up on a high horse. It's a lot of work but that restraint also helps put you in check to some degree. Unfortunately, it comes at a greater cost to you. When you occasionally find or meet people like you, you feel relieved of all that 'charade', consideration, tolerance etc. People who are not like you may notice their shortcomings and realisation of your smartness/intelligence but circumstances may not afford them that 'luxury', as I tell myself. They may content themselves, even if begrudgingly, to living ordinarily, saving their energy for what they are about. Many just don't see through the same lense you do :)
bro, you really sound like you have ADHD
I am starting to think this is the consequence of telling so many of these young, single guys who are frustrated in dating and life to "work on themselves". They indulge a bunch of isolated, self-fulfilling things like the gym, solo hobbies, education and career because they're told it "makes them interesting to be around". We really need to start telling these dudes it's okay to expose themselves to social interaction without having to be these perfect, amazing, esoteric beings because, to the shock of many, nobody else really is and human relationships are to be celebrated, not some end-game or prize for being this self-actualized demi-god.
finally a legitimately smart comment, honestly was getting fed up with the ones that start "i can relate" for whatever reason
I wonder if this is why a significant number of mass shootings are done by men in their young 20s. They think they know so much around that age, and thus deserve so much, when they definitely do not.
FACTS 💯
While I certainly agree, I also think if you enjoy, the gym, solo hobbies, pursuing education and career, you shouldnt feel pressure to NOT do those.
@@userblame632 not at all, but I'm saying that you don't have to only "focus on yourself" at the expense of human interaction. By all means take a break and re evaluate some things, but it can quickly become an excuse to not engage with other people. "Once I do this and have that, THEN I'll pursue friends and a gf". If only it was that simple.
Totally feel this. I don’t feel smarter but more so more aware? I struggle in all social situations where nothing is being talked about. I sit in silence because I have zero feedback. So I just listen. But when I do try to talk about things that interest me the other people either cut me off or they change the subject. It’s led to the same issue. No friends. And am awkward when I am in social situations.
what are those things that interest you?
@@chandir7752 science. History. Thoughts on spirituality. Etc. hard to chime in when people are talking about places I wasn’t at. Or buying things I don’t care about 🫤
@@thealethiaco In my experience, people are surprisingly thoughtful in 1v1 conversations, but choose not to talk about those things when they're in a group. I think it's got something to do with laughter and lighthearted mood.
When I initially read your comment I thought maybe you're vegan, because animal cruelty is definitely the type of thing people are not aware of and don't talk about.
I feel you. People mostly want to talk about themselves, and even if they don’t cut you off, inject their own experiences into what you are talking about, which steers the conversation back to them. Too few know how to listen.
@@Sator810uh.. yeah. people inject their experiences in what you're talking about. thats what having a conversation is.. what is the optimal response when you are talking about yourself? trying to relate to you with their own thoughts and experiences on the subject, or you'd rather them just say nothing ? just completely be quiet and let you talk about yourself the whole time? make no attempt to find common ground and share their experiences as well? i dont understand your perspective, and i think you may be guilty of the exact thing you're saying that other people do.
Usually I find the comments on Dr Kay's videos so rich but I feel like it's kind of confirming his point. This person's paying loneliness and self-reflection....
I hear a lot of solutions and fixes. But if I could have thought myself out of this problem I would have done it years and years ago!
Thank you Dr. K and others with compassion.
Man this video really struck home for me, thank you a lot for making it. You really broke this down into easily understandable terms.
I find it very ironic how chat was judgmental of the person saying subtle things like "Looks like you need to get your ego in check buddy" that wouldnt solve anything until DrK Literally pointed out that the first thing we do is judge them, everybody became self-aware and stopped
I don't think it was wrong to judge a person like that, but I also think someone like him needs psychological help
I find that the opposite of ironic.
@@danm8004 underrated reply
@@danm8004 Ironic.
@@danm8004 its like both at the same time
"We hate in others what we cannot fix in ourselves."
love that quote
Carl Jung Shadow vibes
thanks karen
I hate child abusers, does that mean I'm secretly one of them?
@@watchinvideos *the rock eyebrow raise* *vineboom*
@@slimjongun5111 well do you really want to waste time helping other people who dont want your help?
This was the most helpful thing that I’ve came across in awhile and I’m impressed and grateful along with surprised with the how well this dude understands, breaks down the thought process, and literally covers all emotions and perspectives you think when you feel this way. The way you talk it down and also create solutions after breaking it down is what really also makes it more helpful and it makes it worth to watch and understand. I clicked on this title beacause I was like oh this is funny but it’s what I’ve been feeling like also.
I love this guys content. He brings compassion behind his words.😢
Can you do the opposite of this?
"Everyone is smarter than me and I'm always the dumb one"
Yeah its called an inferiority complex.
yea exeactly that s what i m facing
How about "Hey, I'm supposed to be the dumb one man, stop being dumb."
Uhh here is the irony.
The fact that believe that likely means you are actually the smart one.
Individuals who are trueley intelligent and smart realize there is so much that they don't understand and recignize their own ignorance.
Those who claim they are super smart likely are not as they believe they know everything which is hubris because that is nearly impossible.
They fail to understand their own ignorance and if you are never ignorant then you never learn and if you never learn then well you are not really smart lol.
@@__-bz7wh not exactly in this case this is usually the mark of a smart intelligent person.
I legit know people who are very intelligent but live in some ass-backwards places in the middle of nowhere surrounded by unbelievable idiots. So I get how such situations could happen. When I travel to my birthplace on rare occasion, it's like a journey back in time to medieval times into society of pathological conformists. But even all these people have areas of life where they surely are more intelligent than me or others. I know people who are very academically gifted and I respect them but lack intelligence when it comes to anything psychology-related. I am socially inept to comical degree but people value my ability to calmly analyze complex situations. Everyone has their own area they excell at or at least they have potential for something.
this is very similar to how media portraits primitive societies as a bunch of stupid unga-bunga but actually those people thinking quite a lot to survive in harsh conditions they just lack technologies/knowledge/resources that we have
I did a degree in physics, and on that course were some of the dumbest people I have ever met in my life. It was baffling how stupid these people were, and yet they could do algebra and handle scientific instruments no problem.
You, much like the poster he is responding to with this video, aren't necessarily pointing to intelligence.
Closer to experience.
Intelligence is simply the ability to integrate and use new information quickly.
So, saying, "that guy is more intelligent than me at car stuff" is somewhat erroneous if you arent also into car stuff. Further...they can have more KNOWLEDGE than you, but it doesnt neccesarily mean they are smarter.
On top of that, everyone (or at least most people) have a field that kind of "fits naturally" with them. We would call them "gifted" in these areas.
Personally, I, for the LIFE OF ME, suck at learning languages. Ive sat in 6 years of 2 different languages, one THAT WAS ENTIRELY IN THE LANGUAGE...still can only speak certain phrases and catch an odd word or two. Its not my gifted area.
But almost anything else besides music, I would normally be the first to "get it."
On top of all of the above, everyone learns slightly differently, and their experiences (that you have no clue about) can further influence the ability to learn a thing.
Finally, (really there are more factors than this in my humble opinion) there is motivation.
Lots of people think it would be cool to learn a thing and simply never try. Others, genuinely dont care about anything except maybe 1 or 2 things. The easiest example of this is, say, a 21 year old male.
A VERY large portion of 21 year old males really only care about getting laid and/or drunk.
The only reason they work and have a place, etc...is because a self respecting girl won't go home with them to a cardboard box, and drinks aren't free.
Eventually, most will get bored. But some, never do.
There are myriad variables to the situation, and its hard to say what they are until you actually KNOW someone.
Just my 2c.
But, I agree. I know plenty of people, some quite smart, that say/think outlandish things...simply because they never gathered the tools or put in the effort, or both, to critically look at the things they are saying/doing and ask if they are correct/best for them.
Its also hard to notice things in yourself at times. Thats what friends are for. 🤣
My hometown is very small where only a small percentage have any kind of formal education, and going back as a college senior makes it seem like I am speaking to them in a foreign language. Not calling them stupid but trying to have a conversation about any kind of sophisticated topic besides low-level politics gives them a confused look on their face and it's incredibly isolating not being able to have conversations where people can just even understand what you are talking about on a basic level
@@firghteningtruth7173 just wanted to point out that you probably could do fine with language if you had the ability to focus on it, such as moving to a country and ONLY speaking in their language for like 2-3 months you would become conversationally fluent. Obviously it isn't easy to just casually move to another country for a couple of months just to learn a language haha
Your insights are so helpful, I hope people are more appreciative of such perspectives you shed light to. Also good question to pick on!
this is so relatable as ND experience, it's not that we think everyone's stupid but often we can't understand why people do things the way they do, or why they keep making the same mistakes over and over and never learn from them. I never want to say I think others are stupid because it sounds so selfish and shitty but it's hard when you find yourself having to Google things for other people because they feign ignorance and don't want to look things up themselves but ask you for help, seemingly unaware that you're also just googling it? (I work in tech lol)
I have friends who know what they need to do or stop doing to fix their problem but are self admittedly not willing to do so because it's too hard or too stressful, but continue to complain to everyone and anyone about how bad their life is when they can actively change the things that are bothering them. It's so hard to know when someone is being 'stupid' vs being content to continue doing the same thing knowing it won't improve the situation, those people aren't stupid, they know what they need to do or not do, but they for some reason just choose not to?
I have to try to remind myself a lot that some people need to make the mistake to learn from it, and some people have to do that multiple times before realising it's a pattern, or some people need to hit rock bottom before they'll improve. My issue is often I find that when I try to help them and be supportive I end up enabling it because it's often when I set hard boundaries and don't engage with the behaviour that's unhealthy or dangerous, they usually get help or start changing things, and I'm happy for them that they were able to but it sucks for me as it sometimes comes about as a result of me cutting them off or pushing back after months or years of trying to help them. It feels like in my efforts to help I just enable the behaviour that I desperately want them to fix, which then just results in me wanting to not even engage with people to start with for fear of it ending the same way, with me trying and trying and getting nowhere and ending up resentful and cutting them off when it's gone too far, and it seems like it'd be easier for everyone if we just hadn't met.
Admittedly the stark difference between myself and the poster is their need to challenge people, I'm fairly conflict averse though I've gotten much better with therapy but the idea of debating random people about religious beliefs seems like hell. Like that is absolutely not what most people want from a new friendship. I can see how that could easily come off as a contrarian or someone who strawmans just to have a debate. I've known people who love this and it can be quite tiring because you can't really express things you like or enjoy without someone pointing out why it's bad actually, but often it's not an argument they actually care about it's just to spark debate, and sometimes it can be so deflating as you don't want to bring up things you like in case you get pulled into defending a strawman arguement because you said you liked ducks or frogs something 😂
I do identify with the guy saying he doesn't like that a lot of people are drinking a lot and wasting money because like him, I also did it when I was younger but I think for me I quickly learnt that was not a good idea and tried to find the cause (my adhd) and course correct quite early on so I think i disconnect and find it confusing when someone twice my age with double my resources (money, access to care, support system) hasn't done the same and has double down into the bad stuff. I can acknowledge it's purely a 'i was where you were so I can empathise, however I can't relate to the way you're responding to this compared to how I responded to it.' and I think i feel worried about spending time with them now as I notice it tends to encourage me back to bad habits and I have to actively set boundaries to try to avoid being sucked into their world and back into bad habits and as a result I end up upset at myself for befriending another person who fits this description of who I was before I tried to improve, now I'm just so desperate to find more friends who are also happily on a journey to self improve, I don't care if they're perfect, I just care that they're trying. If that makes sense? I am lucky that I do have a few friends like this so I don't end up feeling like it's so black and white like OP. But God it's hard when you find a new friend and then realise you're getting on because you both share some of the traits that you're trying to improve on. I've fully gotten to the point now where I think my people pleasing brain has just broken, I feel like I potentially make it worse trying to help, but I don't know how to be friends with someone who has a lot of those problems without getting stressed out and worried about them. So for the moment until I figure that out I'm having to just limit myself on making new friends to avoid falling into the same pitfall again and again.
Speaking to other AuDHD women I've found a lot of them are the same. But the hard part of course is other ND people may also have a lot of work to do to get their lives in order like I had to, and many of them just aren't ready to start yet and I can't make them even though I want them to be happy and healthy. It's hard because I understand exactly how they feel but also know how much better it could be and i can't force that onto them.
In Hegelian terms, this is the problem of recognition: to be seen and to see, two people need to regard themselves as equal. If that sense isn't possible, neither part can be happy. The party which feels inferior doesn't feel seen as human, and the person who is feeling superior doesn't feel like they are communicating with a real human being.
I love this. Excellent perspective.
That's very interesting! I haven't read Hegel but is that from Phenomenology of Spirit?
dang that is absolutely accurate, I liked the way you described it too.
Something that is only tangentially related to this is how to reach the flow state. If you have to do a task that is way more difficult than your ability, then you will feel anxious. If you have to do a task that is way easier than your ability, then you will feel bored.
Only in that sweet spot where the difficulty matches your ability will you achieve the flow state.
Oh they are real all right. Just not valuable.
To be fair, though, it can be quite hard to make friends when you have above average IQ, have unusual interests like philosophy, or have a higher education level than most people in your life. The more specialised your interests are, the harder it can be to find common ground for conversation, or to connect to pop culture, or other stuff that most people might enjoy doing/talking about. All my hobbies are unusual, the literature I read is kinda niche, the cultural things I enjoy are a bit weird for many people... Its not even about being smarter, sometimes your interests will just not align with 90% of the people you meet, and that can feel very lonely and alienating. It's not good to be disrespectful, or judgy, though.
The only comment on point.
i feel you
Right, the best thing you can do is try to surround yourself with people of similar capacity (I guess?) i.e. working a specialized job etc.
@@oshke5225 an additional thing is to find a common casual hobby to get into, then you have a common ground with others. Your only adding to yourself not forcing yourself to change or be alone.
If you want an optimistic look on things; the more investment/ context that is required to enjoy something, it generally becomes more enjoyable. Things that are ubiquitous to all are often pretty shallow in how much enjoyment you can derive from them. When you do meet someone you share those things with, it’ll be very special. In the meantime, like another commenter said, try some other more popular hobbies and see if they fit for you!
I actually kinda relate to this person. Though, I had awesome parents that were probably too supportive. They had my back through everything, god rest their souls. I do have a lot of friends that I rarely hang out with because we have no common interests. I don’t care about drinking and playing golf and they couldn’t care less about gaming and anime. They’re all into hunting and whisky collecting and I enjoy learning about Astro physics and psychology. We just have nothing to say to one another but we still care a lot about each other and make it a point to have dinner occasionally. We grew up together and have supported one another our entire lives, but if we met today I doubt we’d be friends. Tbh, I don’t anyone that has similar interests as me so I spend 100% of my free time alone. I guess the key difference is that I’m not lonely. I cherish my alone time.
Where do you find people that like talking about psych and astrophysics?
Surprisingly you sound like my friend just more tame
The desire to be challenged and also challenge others is where I'm at. I have a lot of thoughts, sort of the "shower thought" line of thinking. Im constantly debating over the same topics because a lot of what i think about is based on opinion, and the things that are based of fact im uneducated about. I love to learn and explore concepts from multiple angles. However, i find it difficult to find people who can keep up with my sepcial interests. Lots of people are willing to engage in conversation but it gets to a point where some people cant keep up with me. And then on the flip side i have a few friends who are very intelligent and "book smart" who just have a ton of factual knowledge and i struggle to keep up with them but they still get into debates with me because i have so many questions. Id love to make more friends who can at least engage enough to ask me questions about the stuff im passionate about, but i do recognize that they also would require a certain amount of interest in my interests.
Growing up being treated like/being told you're better than everyone else logically leads to believing that. I think the big reason I didn't turn out like this guy is because I became surrounded by other really smart/high achieving kids who could outperform me. It knocked me down several pegs and also made me so self conscious haha.
Edit to add: one thing I love about my fiance & closest friends is that they can challenge me
That’s cool and all but when you’re actually highly intelligent you could relate more 😂
exactly why I want to only marry someone smarter than me
I felt the same, i had friends that were better than me at almost everything, and even to this day i learn from them. I feel its made me a smarter person being around these types of people. Im relatively intelligent myself - which is why i can keep up with them, but im no means the smartest.
Sometimes Dr.K vids can help when im in the same position as the OP, and other times it makes me grateful for what i have/had.
I use to think this but then I when to college for chemical engineering and now I am humble as fuck. Smarter people exist.
@@eligoldman9200 made me realise only 1 in 40 people is decently smart.
If people actually start listening to another, it becomes clear that most people act logically "given what they know" - oftentimes it is just that the same words mean different things for different people
This... I feel this a lot
Yeah. It's one of those weird things were you know what a word means, but the other person you're talking to has layers wrapped around that word and so it means something different to them, almost. Naturally they don't say that and assume you use it in the same way they do and bam, two completely different conversations.
@@weridplusho 💯
Completely agree with this! Recently I discovered everyone is actually logical. Why we don't think other people are? We operate from a different premise than they are about the same situations!
It's so easy and yet not so obvious.
It bothers me greatly now when people say others are illogical once I learned this.
Much love !
@@michaelwillette5837 No its only part of the picture, this phenomenon clearly exists but it doesn`t mean the majority of the population thinks everything through. Being relentlessly logical actually makes you extremely weird to most people.
Man this was absolutely me growing up. I definitely had a need that wasn’t being met and it skewed my entire perception of other people.
It is interesting that the person recognizes the anger in their father but maybe doesn't see it (or doesn't see it in the same light) in themselves. I have heard the term 'white knuckled recovery' from people in AA to describe those who are trying get sober while still spending time around other alcoholics or not surrounding yourself with the right kind of support and working to change your worldview.
2 methods I find useful for escaping this "everyone is dumb" mindset:
1. Look up instead of looking down
2. When you agree with a brilliant idea, think about if you could or couldn't have come up with it yourself.
What do you mean by look up
Um..... nah...
@@letharja I think he means that when you look down you’re too self absorbed and you can’t look at anyone else. You’re going to be looking at the world in illusions.
@@auntie7657 actually true story at my last work... I felt like being robbed on ideas and even tastes! One day I put some rare "playlist" of music instead of the dumb radio and the next one one annoying dude that NEVER listened to that puts it as well... Like "wtf man? You even don't like this game, you hate it because you was too bad to finish it and was complaining about it all the loud, so why all of hell you turn it on right the next day after I listened to it for just mere 30 minutes?...". And that "alsowness". No matter what I bring on he was "also" in that no matter how false it is. Fucking haters. And I'm not even a celebrity-_-
I just accept it so I know how to predict how people respond versus what I expect
I am probably one of Dr. K's oldest viewers, but I dealt with periods of this when I was younger, especially late teens and early 20's. I felt misunderstood, isolated, unable to relate, all of it. As life went on, and I dealt with some of my own problems (addiction, ADHD, depression) those feelings eventually evaporated as my empathy and sympathy expanded beyond the range I thought possible. Perspective is so important, and some of this comes with just living, but the ability to listen and really put yourself in someone else's position doesn't have to be a protracted learning experience the way it was for me. All of this takes work, but it IS worth it.
My dad told me that I'm lucky than many people to have both parents, financially secured childhood, and great education; thus my knowledge, vision, logic, and thought process is better.
The others aren't dumb; they just weren't taught all of that because they had to struggle through other things in life, and eventually all the "stupidity" became their way of liiving, which is very hard to change.
"So don't project yourself to them, because there's no guarantee that you gonna be better in their shoes", said he while feeding me that humble pie.
That's not the only reason, but it played a huge part in me improving myself and stop being judgemental.
I feel compelled to justify in my head every option someone feels negatively about, I am good at making excuses for others, and I try to empathize with everyone who is willing to give me there time, not always successfully. It is exhausting and I wonder what part of that is me when I have to change so much into them to understand?
As I've gotten older, I'm 30 now, I went from thinking other people were dumb to thinking other people have been mislead or misinformed. I see most people are pretty smart but are the end product of a broken system that fails to educate and actively misinforms.
We're emotional creatures and it's normal to not be "rational" all the time. That's important to understand. Our brains are 2 tier, broadly speaking, and therefore our conscious intentions aren't always what we *do*.
Listening to other people truly is the key to understanding, not just other people but also yourself.
Empathy and humility are the two most important things a person needs to genuinely grow and connect with people. We are all enriched with diversity and if we chose to understand and embrace each other rather than find faults in everything we could grow as a people so much.
7:38 We know we're under attack, we know it, we're breaking the conditioning.
Dude. Been watchin your videos for a few months. You are fearless. And you make a lot of sense. I just want to say, cause I watch a lot of your videos and never comment, that your awesome. I have a lot of issues and well you help me cause you just unabashedly lay all this crap out and I really respect that. You're like totally spot on most of the time, and when I disagree I totally respect how you frame your position and I value all the stuff I am learning. And I gotta tell you when you show me I'm wrong in how I think, you're not like mocking me, you just kinda throw it out there and take it or leave it. Honestly, given the pile of hot steaming garbage that most people submit as "rational thought" or "logic" nowadays, its a breathe of fresh air, because you understand that logic without emotion isnt actual logic, its PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL Your point of view is helpful, considerate, and insightful. Thank you for your videos, and thank you for being you. I sincerely appreciate you.
I use to think I was deep in my early twenties but didn’t know anything about how the real world works. There’s reading about stuff you can understand and then there’s stuff that you can learn and synthesize into your interactions in real life. Reminding myself that there is always going to be someone less intelligent than you and there’s always going to be someone more intelligent than you, it became less important to see people in either one of those categories, which can be an illusion, you yourself stop putting yourself in either of those categories every time you interact with someone and for sure you become a better observer. It’s kind of like a person who doesn’t understand most people and feels that they are unique then ironically, a unique person who stands out in the eyes of most people understands and empathizes a lot better with most people, which is more emotional intelligence. But also, we live in a world where too much of it is stupid and doesn’t make sense and is base emotionally driven.
The fix to this I've found for myself is not to impose my perceptions on them, but get them talking about stuff they definitely know more about than the average person. This could be a hobby, or their work/career or anything really. More often than not, as you listen to them explain their approaches, it opens up potential tangential discussions which are a happy medium between something you are interested in and something they can meaningfully discuss. It might not lead to yourself feeling challenged 100% like the OP was expecting, but I find that it makes conversations MUCH more interesting, and ultimately addresses the underlying loneliness.
This is a sales technique. You let the other person share their possible interest and then you loop them in.
But when they don’t think to deeply about anything they get emotionally defensive when I’m asking questions when I just genuinely want to understand more
A LOT of people want to talk and like to talk, so if you give them a platform, they open right up.
It's difficult for sure, I grew up very similarly and listening really increases your wealth of knowledge over time, but I also wanted to tell everyone what I was thinking, with sometimes solutions to their issues. The thing I realized is that everyone is on their own personal journey and sometimes people don't want the answer, and they don't want the help either. The best thing that helped me is acceptance of others and myself, that really helped me relate and open up other people to my ideas and vice versa. It's hard as hell to do in practice, but you end up a completely different person
When I was young, I was always the smartest kid in school. As an adult I did very well in college. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I always felt like the smartest person. I even took a bunch of IQ tests and got an average score of 144. I believed I was pretty bright and now It was confirmed by science, or so I thought.
In my late 20s I decided to go beyond my comfort zone and managed to join a group of elite financial geniuses. These guys where so smart they were writing their own trading programs to make money for them. I got humbled very quickly. Being smart is one thing, but turning that into action that produces tangible results requires more than intelligence, it requires a vast accumulation of EXPERIENCE, and KNOWLEDGE. As "smart" as I thought I was, I realized that there are no shortcuts. I may be quick at picking things up but at the end of the day, I still have to do the grunt work of learning and experiencing life just like everyone else. And like everyone else, I only have a limited amount of time in this world.
No matter how intelligent you are, you are only smart in a very niche part of life: where you specialize. Someone who you might think is less "smart" than you, probably has much more experience and knowledge in other areas and subjects of life that you couldn't spend your time on. Being "smart" is only potential. Smart or not you are only 1 person with a limited amount of time in this world, this limits whatever Knowledge and Experience you can get as an individual. We humans are social animals and benefit from each other's knowledge and experience. We should appreciate our fellow man because even if some of them are slower at picking things up, the fact is that they as a collective have much more knowledge and experience than any single smart person ever will.
144 IQ is no joke of a feat, good job on reaching to that realization
I think i have a high IQ too and i'm going to do some test too as well.
I've realized though that even if normal people specialize in something, most of the time they just "learn stuff" without really reasoning on their knowledge. They end up knowing things but not understanding their topic. And that's why i ended up not trusting people's knowledge that much and willing to always experiencing things myself 😅😂
Idk if Im smart but I am tired of explaining myself and listening to emotionally inept people
What you write is correct, but the problem of the poster is more basic - people that can't get a hold of their life. That's not related to specialization.
@@BringBackStoningyour username is fantastic and I couldn't agree with your comment more. Been dealing with a mental health crisis after my 7 year old dog randomly passed, trying to get my friends to just like hang out or talk and explaining why is exhausting
I felt this way and went through a long a cold lonely 2 years, that was till when I found my brothers that put effort into themselves physically and had an ambition to become better people. So long story short we ended up recomend each other treasure troves of information and now we got many conversational conversations as well as learning to better communicate. I got humbled and made a best friend haha
I don‘t see myself as particularly smarter as everyone I meet. I observe and search for strengths in people, believing that whenever I feel the smartest, another persons argument or knowledge could outweigh mine. Also knowing that my current experiences with people in school are very limited. I‘ve had a long and intense journey of mental health issues and a quite successful healing process through therapy and self-reflection. This makes me hyper aware for other peoples behaivor-patterns, their surviving mechanisms, their ways of being ignorant, or running away of themselves. Whatever I worked though myself I can to a certain degree recognize in other people.
This state of ‚awareness‘ through therapy can often feel quite isolating. Without having any problems to find friends, I also had to understand that not every connection was worth it.- you are right: What you dismiss in yourself, you can tend to judge in others too. It is now part of my journey to accept, that other people are going through their life’s challanges at their own pace and that some ppl are maybe even never going to break their cycle of suffering, or at least running away. It inparticular is a challange for me now to find the RIGHT AMOUNT of boundaries. -not too harsh on others, but self respecting my desires and ideas of real connection. And this is okay. I am sure that I will meet the right people at the right time, if I just form my life to eventually be surrounded by the intellectual and challenging people I‘m striving to meet. It‘s all up to me to be the person I would wanna be with first.
I thought this was my comment for a second 😅
The "you want to be challenged/challenge others" stands out so much. It was an issue I experienced with a friend. I looked at sharing ideas and having intellectual conversations as a way to build friendship and know more about them. They really just wanted to debate topics. I understand being excited about being able to engage with people who want to have deep conversations and how finding someone like that meets your needs. But in this case, it felt like it didn't matter that it was me that this person was talking to. They just wanted a brain who could have that kind of conversation. Felt really used.
I am totally that guy. I know it's a problem and I'm working on it, but I don't know how this guy had so much trouble finding people like himself. I've found tons of them in my life. Some of them have become great friends of mine. I have at least learned that not everyone thinks like me, and have learned to mostly tone it down, but I still slip up more than I'd like.
@@anusface2 I know some people like that as well. My description (well meant) is "a tiny bit like dogs that are so excited to play that they end up accidentally biting out of excitement"
That description helped me understand it and not take it personally anymore :)
@@prisle perhaps a more human example would be how infants sometimes harm pets when trying to play with them?
@TheZSquaredMusic Why would you want a more human example? The infant example sounds like you’re saying they’re as ignorant as a baby, while the dog example just makes it sound like they’re excited and enthusiastic (maybe a little clumsy about it at times, but wholesome and smarter than an infant)
@@emmanarotzky6565 first, comparing a person to a dog, especially, is a common dehumanizing strategy. Further, we are not dogs, and I believe it’s likely better for the purposes of psychology to compare human actions to human actions whenever possible, or with primate actions as a secondary mirror.
There’s an interesting parallel here. I wouldn’t want to compare people to dogs when a more human example exists, to avoid dehumanizing my reader, where you would, it seems, prefer to say something dehumanizing rather than potentially infantilizing your reader.
Let’s look at this further if you don’t mind. Why did you describe dogs as wholesome instead of children? I take that reading because you said “…, but wholesome and smarter than an infant.” Was that purely a mistake of syntax/language construction, or do you find infants less wholesome (or otherwise not at all wholesome) when compared to dogs? If so, why?
Next, an overexcited dog can end the life of a young child with the wrong play-bite, whereas I couldn’t see an infant managing to do much worse than poke a dog’s eye out. Many humans miss certain valuable life lessons, especially those life lessons meant to occur during childhood development. I would rather potentially clue someone in to an aspect of human development they may not have successfully implemented in life, before I potentially compare their psychological development to that of a domesticated animal’s development.
That was a raw, honest and deep. He's ignorant by age, but wise enough to observe himself. Hope he overcomes this phase, I'm almost 40 and didn't make it yet
@@tripplefives1402 I am NOT ready for this existencial crisis, Is chocolate a lie? Do NOT Google, I repeat, DO NOT GOOGLE!
I learned something important in my late 20's: Even the "dumbest" person you will ever meet will know something you don't, when you rule out the ability to learn something new from a person you only limit your own knowledge!
@@gwpcs i'll keep this one in my notes of interesting youtube comments to ponder over, im 24 and im probably underestimating a lot of people.
Wisdom is the exact thing this young man lacks.
I'm also almost 40 and struggling. 😬 What do you think he's ignorant?
This is an awesome episode. Very interesting & hard to believe, but actually its relatable, which suprised me. Because i never expected id relate with any views of this bcuz im very understanding & non judgemental. But made me realize i too have felt these ways, fir example, having no one to hold an intelligent conversation, & finding others who can communicate at the same level, but that ive accepted it and kept a varied group of ppl in my life, where at least each person can fullfill one of similar interests, instead of tryibg to find one person with all the same interests, thats an exact copy if me, that would b boring.
Maybe thats his answer. The parents definitely made him paranoid about who he surtounds himself with, & told him they bad influences. But just because hes eith them, they dont have to b influencial. U can just choose not to b influenced, or only b influenced by the good things about each person around u, instead if pucking our their bad qualities. U should try just as hard to pick out their good qualities
This video was honestly so insightful for me. I relate to this person who wrote this text almost at its entirety; and that’s actually hilarious because I clicked on this video with the expectation that this would be some sort of praise for people like me and this reddit user. But no, this got me reflecting of my own behaviours and thoughtpatterns. You could just look at the way I thought before clicking on this video and recognize that I struggle with feelings of superiority, entitelment, and grandiosty. And yes, that stems from my childhood. It’s almost as if I fled from the way my childhood circumstances and my parents made me feel; feelings of shame, that I was unloved/unlovable, unworthy, etc, with fantasies of me having financial success, that I was praised, loved, and admired by everyone, that I was intelligent and smart, etc. And that has stuck with me since I was around 7-8 years old, and this is something I’ve just recently started to reflect upon and how I’ve always seemed to turn everything into competition, engage in weird debates at the most random places (just like what the reddit user wrote about aswell) just to prove that I was the person I’ve always fantasized myself to be. And that is both destructive for, not only for myself, but also the people I interact with, for the way I view the world as a whole. This video was obviously posted 2 years ago, but I’d just like to comment that I’m grateful for watching this. This is such a big step for me in the right direction.
What's kinda funny is that, in my experience, PhD students into philosophy and alcoholics (or at the very least, stoners) share a HUGE intersection. Rarely have I met an academic who doesn't use alcohol to cope.
"Openness to experience" is the personality trait you're talking about. Curiosity, having an open mind, a desire for new experiences and ideas, rulebending, challenging bullshit social norms. Hell, even confidence in your ability and intellignece and being able to think for yourself. How the hell can you call yourself intelligent if you are influenced by "dumb people".
It's not just Academia and just alcohol. I interact with REALLY, REALLY intelligent people from politics, art, business, academia. The way these people (myself included) present themselves to the public and how they are in private is night and day. A lot of it is drugs sex and rock and roll. These "Intellectual discussions" aren't done in a debate format in front of a glass of wine or tea. They are done in bars when everyone is smashed and the ideas are just flowing, in after-parties when you are high as a kite off weed or stimulants.
Say you're on a Diplomat on a diplomatic mission to a foreign country in order to attract foreign investment and reevaluate your relationship. You are representing your country. EVERYONE is at the top of their game. All those protocol level events are just that - a facade. The real negotiations happen behind closed doors, where there's no journalists and cameras.
I really don't want to bash, but in this case - OP from reddit is the perfect example of a "dumb persons idea of an intelligent person".
@@Envojus That's a really long comment for a guy who didn't want to bash
@@Envojus i agree w you though.
I completely disagree.
All of my best friends are PhD or highly successful and none of them use alcohol.
We also have ton of philosophical discussions, took numerous philosophy classes together yada yada.
It may be more of an age thing, but I don't know alcoholics just in general. I'm sure I'm in a bubble, but it must be a large bubble because most of the people that are their friends aren't alcoholics as well.
@@Envojus put the ego away. drinking alcohol doesn't mean you're "more open to experience."
Speaking as someone who felt disconnected from other kids my age growing up, I didn't have the issue of thinking they were beneath me even if I was smarter scool-wise than most of them. After about elementary school (moving at that time didn't help I'm sure) I would literally be bored by the things they were interested in and what they wanted to talk about, and my interests were either very specific and often not something they were interested in or a little too advanced for them to truly enjoy. Not anyone's fault, just a disconnect that often made peer interactions negative or unrewarding. As an adult I can recognize that spending time with friends isn't always about enjoying the topic of conversation or activity and that learning about your friends' interests and what is going on in their lives is important, even if it's sometimes very mundane and predictable. As a kid I was never taught to pursue or value those things though, and it wasn't something I really figured out on my own beyond it being something you tolerated to be polite, so by the time my peers caught up enough with me intellectually that interactions became potentially interesting again I was behind enough socially that any interactions would still end up unrewarding or negative because it always felt like I was missing social queues or reacting in the wrong way. I probably was doing just fine a lot of the time, but there were enough negative or off interactions that I never felt confident about any friendships. The result was that I could do initial interactions and the beginning of friendships well enough but couldn't really get past that initial stage. Repeated failure there made me much less motivated to try to establish a friendship at all.
Thank you thank you thank you for this video. I guess I'm the only one that struggles with this. It was great to have it broken down into isolation loneliness and self-esteem.
Makes a lot of sense to me.... And also a family of origin that valued me for only certain traits.
I agree and theory with what a lot of people are saying in the comments. It's not wrong. It's just not very helpful if you're someone that is stuck in this judgmental loneliness vortex and Dr K appreciated so much that you pointed out the world doesn't exactly pass the tissues at the pity party for people who suffer from this.
But at the end of the day we're confused and in pain and isolation. And being judgmental is just another (cinditioned) coping mechanism, right?
I honestly think the past 2.5 years has been the world's biggest IQ test.
Legit.
Most didnt pass the test
Tested for aprox 120 IQ but i still fail hard lol
We're stills using IQ against each other instead of solving problems. This community is such a relief
Humanity pretty much failed that test - we were just lucky the consequences weren't too bad. Or actually, I think that was unfortunate; since it also means there wasn't really a wake-up-call.
"Do you think science is a belief system?"
"Sir, this is a Wendy's."
🤣That got a solid laugh out of me. And it's so absolutely on point. You can't ambush someone you don't know well with these topics and expect them to be ready (or willing) to engage. And big part of why people tend to avoid these deep conversations is that they fear judgement or being thought of as stupid, especially if it's a topic they've never considered before.
Yes and no
If someone engages me with a discussion like that I would be thrilled
but then I would fall under the second category of people he hates "pretend to be smart"
If you ask me I'll tell you right away that I'm an idiot and I know nothing, but I'd still love to talk about anything I'm not prepared for.
I think you are more afraid of being seen as irresponsible.
Its our interpretation of the mechanics our world is based on, not sure if its a belief system.
If someone asked me that out of the blue while I was working, I’d probably be annoyed, especially since the answer to me is an obvious no. Maybe I’m just stupid :P
I disagree, if you believe in something you should be able to defend it on the spot. Why would you believe in something you cannot defend right then and there? Unless you have a valid reason for it, ie. you need to update your facts about something, a question about said belief was asked that does not have an obvious answer and requires more research (I always tell the person if I know them I will get back to them with an answer in the near future), etc. More than 90% of what I believe in can be defended, right there, on the spot.
Il really glad for these content because it makes me understand others point of view better, but also makes me glad for who I am.
I never even thought of having these problems, and this just makes me realize how big the world is, I can't wait to explore it all.
This was a message I needed to hear. Thank you.
while I'm not this bad, I can relate with this individual. I've been called an Oreo or have been accused of "sounding white" since I was young because I enjoyed learning, and wholly embraced trying to improve myself mentally. I get along with most people I meet, as I'm slow to anger and don't get offended easily but I've always kept a small friend group. I grew out of early social anxiety I attribute to bullying by the 7th grade of middle school but my coping mechanism was largely detachment from people in general. its made me cynical as from k-12 I noted people who were associating with me purely because it allowed them to benefit off my work.
I shit you not, I once hand a man introduce himself to me as someone who used to cheat off my work. he then proceeded to ask me for 2 dollars.
I'm not completely heartless though, I do enjoy helping people especially kids who deserve role models I never had. I find myself growing frustrated while working in what is pretty much "the hood". still dealing with comments about how I talk, and I've already dumbed down my vocabulary to the point where someone I knew in high school pointed it out to me. I've worked with kids who are in elementary school, and likely to far gone down the path that leads to a prison cell without some sort of miracle.
I enjoyed college because I felt challenged. I DON'T ENJOY feeling like the smartest person in the room, its suffocating. my immediate family makes me feel that way. my previous job site made me feel that way. people say "oh, you're smart you'll figure it out" they expect me to pull success out of my ass with few resources because I learn a little faster than others. My life isn't where I want it to be and people are still hoping ill hit it big and solve all their screw ups. I've given up on fixing my parents finances, and focus now on making sure their debts don't fall into my lap.
The "Oreo" thing is very old. There was a time when it was a funny light-hearted joke tossed around between friends. Then, at some point, others discovered the word and started using it in ways that seek to invalidate and undermine others. There's nothing "white" about enjoying learning or being good at it. And if a black person ends up speaking or thinking differently as a result of his/get higher education, that may change who they are "inside" but it has nothing to do with race.
Look, being smart (or even just smarter than those around you) is always going to be a little socially isolating. That's the harsh reality that we all know is true - just as we know it's very impolite to say so out loud.
It helps to remind yourself that everyone (regardless of intelligence) is locked inside themselves. Everyone struggles with that kind of existential loneliness in some way. Some of us can identify and describe that more than others, I suppose.
But, take it from someone who has had similar experiences as you and been around long enough to get some perspective on this ... Ultimately, you control jusr how socially isolated you are. You can and must find and keep a social circle that satisfies you.
People who think and even suffer from thinking they are too smart should first take a legitimate IQ test and who knows, maybe it'll turn out that all this suffering whas been for nothing! 😃
@@ElenaKomleva if you would smart enough you would figured out how IQ test are working. There are a lot of presumptions that must fullfil before picking the one.
And one shouldn't take a subjective test too see which people he is surrounded by. Actually such test can help only for those who can't evaluate things by themselves.
I get this is serious but I'm high and could go for some oreos rn
@@gwynmoth3940 they ARE delicious
I don't just _FEEL_ like everyone is stupid; I *KNOW* everyone is stupid! The difference is that I know that I am stupid too. We all got our dipshit problems that everyone can see but us.
I think the big thing is most people, if they're intelligent, are usually informed about a few things and not much else. Most people will follow what they're interested in, right?
@@slamdangles I can admit this is true for me, I have a few areas of expertise, and then limited knowledge elsewhere.
@@JayLooney yeah I couldn't tell ya where half the countries are on a map but I can build a million dollar corporate network 🤷♂🤷♂🤷♂🤷♂🤷♂
I have a hard time with people bringing up things I actually know better about or amounts of conviction they do that with.
I am happy to learn, critique the system I am in but frequently latch onto people's dogmatic or naive positions in a mean way.
I always felt that being smart was more in my ability to take in and use new information/ skills. But I have a hard time communicating with people. Alot of my ideas are abstract, sometimes requiring visual aid. Anything I want to be good at( except sports) , I can learn quite effectively. Doesn't that make me intelligent even though I never attended college? Arent my massively effective mechanical problem solving skills more useful than a philosophy degree?
I did feel this way once. When my friend told someone I was interested in history. He came up to me and said he love history to. I said that was cool and asked what part of history he was interested in. He said ancient aliens and I laughed at him and walked away. No regrets.
Brother; you’re very Wise for being so young! I enjoy your commentary! Aloha from Colorado!
I'm always cautious of people, of any age, who ask bullshit questions like "Why is religion a belief system, but not science?" because they come off as just wanting to use those types of "discussions" to feel superior to others. The people like that I've come across haven't sincerely wanted to talk about the thing (though they certainly think they do), they just want to fluster others so they feel smarter than they actually are. The first thing to realize is that you may be smart, but you're not as smart as you think you are/others think you are. Chances are high you're a little bit dumb and that's okay. Everyone is dumb in some respect, no matter how intelligent or educated they might be. No one is smart in all arenas of their lives at all times.
I agree with you to some extent, and I actually have caught myself doing this a couple of times, embarrassingly enough. However, I have actually been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and I wonder if it stems from self consciousness. I am actually realizing that I am quite a self conscious person. I always feel like I don't measure up in any area or pursuit. The one thing, however, that I have to lean on a little bit is the fact that other people call me smart quite often. I don't necessarily "feel" smart or think I'm smart, but I can kind of use this as a crutch to cover up my insecurities. I am definitely a fairly articulate person, so even if I am not, by definition, "intelligent," I am fairly confident in my ability to sound like I am. Now, it's not like I ask questions about things I have no interest in. If I ask a question, I do have a genuine interest in what I am asking about. It's just that I may change the semantics a bit. For example, I may choose to use words that I know are a little more uncommon to try to sound a little more sophisticated, or I may ask questions in a more philosophical manner to try to sound deep. Again, though, I do have a genuine interest in what I am asking about. So, my question for you is this: Do you think that trying to sound smart is always inherently bad, or do you think there are times when it's okay? Also, can you relate to trying to cover up your insecurities by using more sophisticated language, or is it just me?
Totally agree
This part. And the kid doesn't seem to want to learn anything from anyone else. If you legitimately think everyone is stupid, then you are cutting yourself off from growing as a person by learning from others. It's kind of a self-fulfilling isolation.
Equating religion to science is just dumb. Theologists don't conduct carefully designed experiments or say the bible is wrong if anything contradicts it. I have a friend just like the OP in this video and it's so frustrating. This friend of mine would say something actually insightful 1/3 of the time but then the rest is stuff like "I heard this thing about a Soviet spy who confessed that feminism was a propaganda to weaken western countries" and he never provides the spy's name, when exactly it happened, any info. He just says it happened. Hella frsutrating. Usually I stop trying to fact check and let him go on with his conspiracy. I suspect that OP believes in all sorts of conspiracy theories too.
I call this mental masturbation... They want this stimulation and you are going to give it by engaging discussion.
Change your definition of smart from
*“How much one knows”* to
*“How much one WANTS to know”*
I can relate to this problem, finding people who are open minded and willing to learn helped. Doesn’t matter how dumb they are, at least they want to be better!
In my experience those are one and the same, at least these days with the wealth of knowledge that is the internet.
id say someone that wants to know everything but does nothing about it is stupid
@@DeltaEntropy not everything is learned on the internet. some things require interpersonal communication
Being intelligent doesn’t mean you know a lot or you want to know a lot.
To be intelligent means you are able to connect the dots very far between different areas and dimensions.
Smart people are able to see further into the future and they are able to grasp complex things in a complex way without simplifying them as much as others have to.
@@Lothrean That's your opinion. That guy disagrees. And I agree with him more than I agree with you. The reason we're having this conversation is because there is no scientific definition of intelligence.
Thank you for this. I have high expectations for myself so... I didn't realize I was judging people comparing them to myself. This channel is very important for the gaming communities health legitimately. I therefore commend you sir. Bravo.
Something i have found as an audihd individual with a deep interest in science and philosophy, many people may not be as knowledgeable as i am about my interests, however most people have an interest in things that can be intriguing if conversed in the right way.
So for me, if i want to have a conversation about philosophy with my coworkers, instead of asking them "what do you think about plato's theory of forms?" They're immediately put off by that because they dont have the context. instead ill treat these conversations like journey to be explored with them, so many discussions about philosophy start with basic assumptions being addressed and acknowledged, then premises put forth to allow for the feeling of equal footing. Ask people in these questions not because you have THE answer you want to share, but because they might be able to approach the question in a way that you'd never thought of, and so if you make the conversation about themselves and their life you can have more ease.
My thoughts on this:
1. Thinking others are dumb is a common symptom of loneliness. You can't get along with others so you assign negative attributes to them
2. Recognize how stupid you are yourself in some areas. Nobody is universally smart. In fact, most are ignorant to many things.
3. Lower your standards for others. Find people who make you happy, regardless of how smart they are. Life is short.
I feel like people completely mis interpreted this dude.
1. Not much of an argument here besides he doesn’t think everyone is dumb, he just struggles to find people who have self control and aren’t sheep. I’m this world you see a lot of people who can’t form their own fucking opinion and blindly follow because yk, Social hierarchy, people don’t want to be alone so they tend to follow. (There’s studies on this hence why depression and anxiety rates are fucking bananas for teens.) He wasn’t talking about random I must repeat he was talking about people who just won’t fucking enable him because let’s be fr. People lack self control.
2. He fucking d o e s , he understands his struggles he even states how he understands that he ain’t the smartest guy in the world or that he’s a genius.
3. Again he does, it’s just that he’d rather not let shit people into his life. Which is understandable. Remember how he went through that phase in his life where he was an alcoholic? Maybe he shouldn’t have let those standards fall. Lol, idk bro it seems like everyday a higher and higher percentage of people can’t fucking use their head. Like can’t make own thoughts for the sake of seeming smart. And I totally get what this guy is on about especially when it comes to the internet lol.
I personally don’t agree that any of your advice helps whatsoever. If anything he shouldn’t let people influence him, If he’s so lonely then he can either find some other nerds or accept his role and then not let anyone else’s actions effect his own. This is all about self control which he lacks, he even says himself he’s impulsive and that’s growing he should do. Again all he’s asking for is someone who can discuss the same obscure subjects as him, and also someone who isn’t gonna enable him. And asking someone to lower their standards farther than that is kinda EHHHHHH lol. I mean if he’s desperate sure but he shouldn’t put up with shitty people, maybe he should just w a i t or idk. Get a job where he could meet more like minded people. Because of his loneliness he has become hopeless in ever finding anyone like him. So I bet he doesn’t even think of something like changing your environment or idk going online (well obviously how he’s thought of that) and even if he does find like minded people he’s a bit scared of what might happen because of his past.
Anyway. Lol
That third point is the problem here. If you're afflicted with this, you'd find _nobody_ that would make you happy. At least not the people you deem lower than you.
@@dreamofjean agreed
I mean obviously he was b ing a bit facetious and was self-aware on the post...which the chat doesn't show that they get. Like, have compassion seriously. Speaking as someone who did have a psychotic episode in mania because I was pissed off about "people who think that they're intelligent".
this might be single handedly the worst advice I've ever seen anyone unironically give to an actual human being, I'll keep looking to see if someone beat you
The older I get. the more I realize that I need to judge other people less and instead just focus on improving myself in the areas where I have room for improvement. Comparing myself to other people isn't productive and life doesn't always have to be a contest. The only person we should be competing with today is the person we were yesterday. We're all going through the human experience and everyone's journey is unique. Ultimately, I've found myself happier more often when I subscribe to this mindset and just let other people be who they are going to be without passing judgment on them.
I started watching your stuff because i felt called out. jebus. this is the most "call me out" video yet. great content. has me all introspective and hyperfocused on how i present.
I like to think that my smart friends just like that i actually engage when they talk to be about things like history or religion or philosophy. They dont expect me to understand everything, and they know i will forget half of the information... but so much of our interactions as friends is based around deep conversations and sharing special interests
I don't like how people immediately think that people like this person should be shamed.
You don't know this person. They could be really decent humans for all that you know.
People's personalities are very complex and just slapping a label on this person for trying to genuinely verbalise his feelings is very unfair, and in 99% of cases is going to be extremely inaccurate.
So what Dr. K said about needing to be compassionate toward these people is EXTREMELY true.
It is telling that the person is asking for help (in this forum) rather than ranting on 4Chan and going deeper into that hole. The worst thing you can do to someone who is asking for help is ridicule them.
Hi would you be interested in Solo Coaching?
@@kharynj6629 Sure I agree within reason. I don't want to be needlessly cruel to anyone. But I also can't be expected to go out of my way to entertain someone if they say that everyone else is stupid if they show no signs of trying to find some common ground on the matter.
Exactly, and his twitch chat at the start was doing the exact opposite of what he was saying
"They could be really decent humans"
Says they are smarter than everyone else >
Makes some of the dumbest arguments I've ever seen >
Proceeds to be a hypocrite and admits that all the problems are caused by themselves >
But yea, this type of person definitely shouldn't be shamed for having their head up their a**.
I'd like to add something to this. I used to be a heroin addict for years and years. Got clean about 5 years ago. Its common to be clean for a small handful of months and now that you are clean, you look down on everyone around you. It's not until you've been clean for a while that that tends to go away. That might be something this person is experiencing as well. He's only been sober a few months he says, and is already looking down on casual drinkers and whatnot. I think he needs to look at himself honestly and realize he isn't the best thing since sliced bread and that he's only been doing this for a short period of time, and also extend others the same love and respect that hopefully someone extended to him as he was getting sober.
I think that we can condescend people when we feel shame, especially if they are doing something that we feel shame for having done. Keep up the soberiety
You're close to the point but not quite there. What you're seeing is not a former addict thinking they're hot shit once they've gotten out of their addiction. It's pure, unmitigated terror of relapsing marked with bluster and bravado.
"Reject them in the vain of 'screw you specifically'" is a phrase I did not know I needed in my arsenal. 😂
Tbh, thank you SO MUCH Dr. K. You have made so much of a difference in my quality of life by being a normal human being and talking to us like we matter and can understand. Appreciate all the work you do.
I’m a psych undergrad and I pay alot of attention to the different types of therapy my university offers schooling for (gestalt, psychoanalysis, Jungian analysis, integrative and systemic psychotherapy). I’m insanely interested in how the “catharsis”, which you mentioned at around 29:15 in relationship to realising how one is conditioned, is viewed in a different therapeutic approach, specifically gestalt. I wonder this, because as far as I know, knowing what the problem is, isn’t the biggest part of the solution in gestalt.
Love your vids! This one was amazing for me.
I think it's more important to surround yourself with people who are emotionally intelligent. Those who have strong characters and will always be honest with you. A true friend is someone who will tell you when you've fucked up, not agree with you and enable potentially toxic behaviour
sorry to break it to you, but that's just intelligence, not "emotional" intelligence
I feel disgusted thinking about surrounding myself with people who have *some attribute*. How is it moral?
i can assure you that you are selective when it comes to the "emotional intelligence" nonsense it's just a perception you don't want honesty you'll get rid of them if they were even slightly honest, you want people that have the same biases than you.
@@adelMN2It is absolutely not exclusive with what they said.
Everyone searches friends that has in some capacity the same biases as themselves that is true and normal.
Now you ALSO want them to be emotionally intelligent, because it is important that they can tell when you are sad, and that you can tell when they are. Otherwise there is a big part of your communication that will not work.
As they said, honesty especially is important as if they are honest you will be able to know what they truly believe which will further help you in selecting someone that has the same biases as you.
They didn't say that you should find friends that are different from you in every way.
Lotta people are too soft and emotionally immature to handle the truth
I'll be honest, I judged them more for wanting to be a "real estate investor" than being "smarter than everyone else"
Yeah, me too
Ditto
Agreed, leeches!
29:03 One of the things that most irritate me about a lot of people is that they seem to expect behavioural changes before insight. I'm chuffed to hear you bring up the key role of insight 👏🏻
Thank you, whoever you are, for posting you issue on reddit. I have a very similiar case, have identified the judgemental part of the issue as well but thanks to Dr K I can investigate my conditioning as the preconditon. Huge help
What I keep asking myself when I read their post was "why do you need to help people to be their friend?". Like dont get me wrong, I like helping my friends when they need it, but I dont go around filtering people based on if they'll be "a chore" or not. Some people can be amazing friends even if they dont have their life together.
That's exactly what I was thinking. It sounded like they were making it their personal mission to better those around them to make sure their friends are up to their standards. But did they ask? Do they want your help? And who are you to determine what kind of help they need and whether they're worthy enough to be friends with you? It mostly sounds like the ego of a recent high school grad (I was like that too) but once you're not the big fish in a little pond you get humbled quick. It also becomes easier to make like minded friends.
@@aminthepm111 But they're not trying to fix their existing friends, they just want to find the "right" friends for them.
I thought the same thing, it sounds like a game, you unlock the person's friendship by doing task for them 😩
This topic is interesting. Content of the video aside, I wholeheartedly think it's not good to hang around people who don't have their life together if you are trying to get your life together. Mind you my standards aren't super high for someone having their life together. If someone is paying their bills and they are ready to afford basic emergencies I consider that having their life together. If that means you have multiple room mates and you work at a Target stocking shelves I don't care about that, I consider that together nonetheless. But if you make 6 figures and spend every cent irresponsibly and experience a fianncial tragedy multiple times a year I can't be around all of that regardless of how much you make. I can't focus on my own issues if my closest friends can't take care of themselves as a bare minimum.
Another thing I've noticed is that there are occasions to talk about certain subjects. Sometimes you feel isolated because you like complex subjects, but people don't always want to talk about these subjects. But why? Well, because there are different moments for things too. Sometimes when socializing, the person doesn't want to talk about something that will make them think, they want to rest or laugh. Many of these people even may read about diverse and complex subjects from different areas. They just don't want to talk about It in a relaxing environment. So it depends
Yeah but when you’ve still haven’t found that person to talk to and have those deep thoughts, you just want to talk to someone regardless of if they want to or not. You want to release that tension, and it comes out one way or another. I really resonate with this
man, you channel its great, great content, wish you the best!
Simply put: it’s because they are 😎
This has happened to me. It's kinda rough because it's a trap, you don't know if you're actually more intelligent or you're just coming up with an excuse for being different than others or straight up unable to be friends with others. And at the same time, there's nothing wrong with being a loner and having very particular interests if you're actually happy with that, but being very careful not to become a judgemental a-hole who thinks he/she's better than everyone else. Personally I enjoy my own stuff and when the time comes to enjoy life with others, then I enjoy that too, but still enjoying time alone and not being friends with everyone isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's difficul to know when one is right or wrong.
Dude I'm in the same place it's such a mindfk, I'm constantly second guessing myself about it
@@SIGSEGV1337 metoo haha Idk if I'm just happy being a loner (I'm not 100% a loner but I enjoy my time alone a lot and I don't mind being at home) or I'm too egotistical to give a part of myself to others if that makes sense. Maybe both who knows? And at the same time I think there are no rules in life as long as one is happy or calm with their own lives.
@@SIGSEGV1337 And then you second guess your second guessing that second guessed your second guessing
I used to be more like that when I was younger too. I have concluded it's better to run towards things that make me uncomfortable than avoid them as long as the consequences can be measured and they aren't too dire. Finding ways to share my particular interests with others is a very rewarding experience, by now I have realized most people have some sort of overlap with me when I allow the chance for that to show itself. So if I want to avoid interactions with other people I need to recognize that and rush head first towards social interaction in that moment. When I want to run from a social situation it usually means I know I should be engaging in the social interaction. If I can take it or leave it that's the best time to spend time by myself, or if I really want to be around other people that's a good sign to spend some time alone and figure out what that feeling is. Sometimes this thinking puts me in some awkward positions but I never regret it because I have agency the entire time. All of my regrets are me trying to run away, I never regret taking on a challenge if I really try. This might sound like a sort of unrelated tangent but somehow in the process the "feeling like an asshole" feeling just sort of went away. By now I trust my own intentions, and if I am genuinely trying my best to make appropriate decisions I don't need to care if I seem like an asshole because I gave it my strongest effort. All I can do is learn if I failed, at least I didn't give up.
I'm glad y'all took the chat off the screen when you're trying to illustrate something, or reading a post, btw! It's nice to have chat on screen when you're just talking to them, but when it comes time to illustrate a point or show us something the chat could be REALLY distracting at times and it got annoying. I got good at zoning it out but I do appreciate not having chat on screen when it's time to pay attention!💚💚💚
Edit: Sorry I'm being one of those people, but holy shit I didn't expect this many likes! LMAO I guess it's cause I posted early and it's a good thing to acknowledge. Thanks, I guess. 😂💚
true
+1
How do people read chat? The words go by so fast I tend to ignore it all
@@Birrrrra A lot of people mostly watch the chat, and if you pay attention to chat it doesn't move so fast that you can't read it IMO. But the emotes and stuff were what got distracting. But I do the same. Sometimes I hide it. When I wanna talk I'll have it up if I'm watching live. I mostly watch on here though as it seems to be the most convenient.😛
@@Birrrrra it's a skill that can be trained, and it's not that hard if you watch Twitch from time to time.
I like the way that you dive into the very tough topics with a lot of compassion and insight. And take it seriously! Personally as a non psychiatrist I would roll my eyes and say “ this kid needs to get some life experience.”
This was a beautifully comprehensive upload. I hope he got the answers he was looking for. 😊
Over-consumption of alcohol is so normalised in society, (particularly western culture), that it's not seen as a problem until it's life-threatening. Only then is it considered, 'alcohol abuse'. So I largely agree with his belief that everyone he meets is a high-functioning alcoholic. They may not be by 'definition', but who's to say that definition isn't skewed by the aforementioned issue. Also, the fact that most people are drinking to get drunk, and not just to enjoy the flavour, to me at least, shows that it's a coping mechanism for larger underlying societal issues. Interesting stuff. Just my take.
Man, just a few centuaries ago workers in england were permamently drunk both during work and off hours. That was really good for owners as drunk people are too stupid to realise their miserable position but for country and society it was a huge problem. Women had to act as voice of reason and take drastic measures to ensure that AT LEAST sometimes their husbands werent drunk.
It resulted in some regulations about work ethics and etc.
Honestly, usa had same problems later or. While that infamous solution wasnt a smartest choice it still produced some results,
@@robertnomok9750 I might be wrong, but I thought the consumption of alcoholic drinks during those days in England was due to the water in the densely populated areas being unsafe to drink. Cholera etc..
Zac, I agree with your comment.
Except one teensy little thing, and I don’t mean to nit pick, but heavy alcohol use isn’t all that particular to western culture. There’s a few countries, often former soviet and far eastern countries that really love to pound the grog. In my experience, it’s even more ingrained into the culture than anywhere I’ve been in the west. And I come from one of the highest per capita beer consuming countries in the world.
In fact, all this texting is making me thirsty….
@@JezaLoki Which lead to addiction which lead to fall of public order and etc. as goverment never strictly regulated that aspect of life for civilians.
@@robertnomok9750 Those reasonable women also brought about alcohol prohibition and all of its disastrous consequences. They're also the main reason that the far more disastrous War On Drugs continues to this day. Lets not give them too much credit.
Actually, what I feel towards this person is "come speak with me!"
When I was their age I used to think other people are stupid. In time I realized it's not about being stupid as it's more complicated. Now I see that as most people being different than me. But I can so relate to the feeling of isolation. I like complex topics and complex discussions... I crave them because there is so little people in my life that are willing to engage in those. I can go into topics like psychology, philosophy, science and many other for hours. Most people around me are tired after few minutes of such a topic.
I know the feeling. I could talk someone's ear off about a whole lot of topics - morality in video games, philosophy, cybersecurity, etc. - but back in Highschool, I barely had anyone to talk to about this.
It's gotten better in college, with my Major being CyberSec, and the fact that there's an Intro Philosophy course centred around Video Games, but the loneliness in Highschool was *crushing.*
I rarely get to talk to people about comp sci or auto engineering such a shame
While listening to more of the video I've seen my own process I've went thru some time back. I've felt extremely lonely. And I can say it has changed. But there was work I had to do. I've given people chances. I've let myself sit thru things that are boring to me that people around me say. And with time I have noticed that even tho those conversations are not super deep they started to spark some curiosity about the mundane that I tried to discard so hard. So while some conversation topics at work still make me sigh inside, I don't judge them as much. I let them be. Sometimes I chip in if someone is saying something that is extremely factually wrong according to my knowledge. I have noticed that people started to occasionally ask me questions about psychology or mental health because I am so open about the topic - and that is nice and makes me feel useful in that moment - something that I was really lacking as well.
I also remember I have experienced some level of conditioning like the redditor. My parents are pretty judgmental. I still remember my father telling me that I should not be friends with girls from countryside as if they are worse and a bad influence. But he couldn't explain to me why and I didn't listen to him because I had really great time with this one friend and was not going to give it up. Also people he wanted me to be friends with (kids from "good homes") annoyed the hell out of me as I've seen them as shallow and fake. Countryside girls were at least authentic and that made me feel safe. It's also quite funny how this judgement about countryside people comes from someone who spent all their childhood vacation at the countryside.
Him being "just out of high school" and thinking he's hot shit is a problem. He's yet to get that "jaded" life experience, where you start to realize everyone has had different life experiences and thus knows different things. He's saying that people who are alcoholics are bad - ok, yes, alcoholism is bad, but many alcoholics are products of their environment, and addiction is not a measure of intelligence (hence why it is an addiction and not necessarily a thing people want to do). This kid is an ideal example of being too young to know better.
@@jamieohjamie He didn't say alcoholics are bad, he was calling it stupid along with all of the other negative things he listed. He seems to use the words "dumb" and "stupid" to describe irrational, impulsive, harmful or reckless behaviours and so anyone like that gets the label of stupid as well. The interesting thing is that his mom used those same words to describe the kids he hung out with who were reckless and would peer pressure him into impulsive behaviour. It seems he's just parroting her way of looking at people; equation stupidity with bad behaviour. That's extra interesting since he seems to have a past where he had an alcohol problem as well and engaged in behaviour that he finds unpleasant in others. He seems desperate to avoid the kind of people who remind him of the sort of person he used to be before he cleaned up his act and started working on himself and he also seems scared that being around those people will make him backslide into his old ways (re: peer pressure or bad influences).
I feel the lonely and lack of relationship modeling hard. I was made to feel stupid and finally got rid of that just recently. Now I'm stuck on the shame I feel of being really new to relationships in my late 20s. I've had a couple, but outside of one they've been lacking in intimacy either from my side, or as I've grown more so from the other side. The only thing I've had modeled was a nasty breakup caused by my birth, but they managed to limp it along until I was 5, and then a 2 year marriage, followed by a albeit not messy, not at all amicable divorce. I was going to say I think I'm scared that if I invest time into a relationship it'll just end in them leaving, but every relationship I've had, even the bad ones I've enjoyed, and while I'm sad that they ended, I'm glad they happened. I wonder if I don't let people close to me because every time I would share something with my parents they would belittle me, and I have a deep subconscious belief that if I let anyone close they'll use that to belittle me. Well shit. I may be going to hell for being gay dad, but I'll see you there.
I grew up awkward, weird, and socially on the fringes. I was ultra religious, my parents dressed me longer than the parents my peers did them, and i was much more interested in my internal life than the people around me. I ended up being seen as a dorky loner. To protect me from the rejection of my classmates my parents cultivated feelings of moral and intellectual superiority in me as a way of explaining my experiences, but those attitudes only exacerbated the problem.
I love words, but my alacrity is at best barely above average. I love writing, drawing, and making music but my efforts in each of these areas has been middling at best. I am exhausted just by being around people, and I imagine as a reaction to the disillusionment of my self-superiority I immediately and fundamentally trust any input that invalidates, devalues, or disabuses me of any notions of self-worth. I don't just accept them as factors, I tend to take them as given and graft them to my core self image.
If the Dunning-Kreuger effect exists (which it demonstrably does) then I must accept that I am far less intelligent than I self assess. If any social or genetic category that applies to me is criticized or condemned, I must take that full weight on myself as a representative of those evils without protecting or excepting myself to spare my ego. I think a lot of the neuroses I perceive as potentially applicable to me stem from several jarring realizations that I am not special, I am not smarter, more attractive, or more morally aligned than the people around me. This is obvious as an adult, but the shock of those bubbles bursting was minor compared to the shame of reflecting on my behavior and thinking while they remained intact. The compounded mortification of all those years of delusion and self aggrandizement is far heavier to bear than the weight of a little social awkwardness, but I have no idea how to find an objective center from which to self-assess and I lack the financial means to approach therapy despite spending hundreds a month on health insurance so I just err on the side of self deprecation and devaluation because I never again want to be that cringey guy who thinks he's better than he is.
I realize the point got lost in that self-indulgent autobiography, but I found this person's position highly relatable to my early life. Kids soak up the input of their parents, and depending on how life experience tempers that input they grow into very different people. I hope OP is able to find a healthy way to build connections with others because whatever the cause, loneliness is a hell of a thing to live with, whether you convince yourself you are better than everyone or that you are the worst.
I think that every person can have something valuable you can find in them, maybe not intelligence but rather empathy, open-mindness, confidence, energy, efficency and charm... If you always seek the same thing from different people you're probably just lame.
oof, but real talk tho
I just realized that my parents always said that I was better than everybody else, for multiple reasons, but especially because I'm smart, actually, not just my parents, but school teachers too.
In 2020 my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend, I spend the hole year taking care of myself, learning to love myself, and now, more than ever, I think I'm better than everybody else because everyone seems to hate themselves, but recently I meet a girl who didn't seem to hate herself and I fucking panicked, I don't know how to act around her, even tho she is exactly what I thought I was looking for.
I want people to be interested on what I have to say, but I found really difficult to give the slightest shit about what other people say...
Damn... This video really opened my eyes, I wander, where do I go from here?
I went through a similar situation in 2021 my friend, my girlfriend cheated with my best friend as well and for awhile I punished myself for being so stupid to allow it to happen (though it wasn’t my fault I questioned myself with what if I did x better, would it have played out differently?). I then went through a phase of distancing myself from friends and instead started doing heavy research on various random topics because I was lonely, that caused me to feel smarter than everyone and when you feel smarter than everyone you feel like you have nothing to learn from those around you which in turn made me want to research more. It was a weird vicious cycle until I realized how smart I actually was. I took a couple IQ tests and my IQ had increased to 132, a 21 point jump over the course of 2 years and that made me feel secure about myself. I know I know what I’m talking about and don’t feel the need to prove it to others anymore, which in turn made social interactions smoother and got my life back on track. I haven’t gained the courage to try dating again yet but I’m making friends again and people are starting to treat me more humanely. How are things now a year later for you?
@@caleb.butler I'm sorry to hear that you went through this and glad that you are getting better.
It has been 3 and a half years since my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend and it has been a year since I realized that multiple people in my life told me I'm special.
Since then I have made multiple friends, I realized that I'm not more than anyone else, and I genuinely try to connect with the few "random" people in my life that I would immediately discard a year ago, I still roll my eyes to some dumb memes they send me, but sometimes I laugh, and that makes me glad.
I go to the gym (a place where no one expects me to be) and every day, when I arrive, people face lights up! "Random" people are genuinely happy to see me, and I want them to be there too!
Things with that girl didn't work out, and I'm not sure if the outcome would be different now, but I feel better anyway. :D
Wow… this is my life thank you so much doc
thanks for explaining everything so well.
very interesting :)
the pandemic really taught me how much the people I worked with were bringing me down. not being forced to interact with toxic people all day has done wonders for my mental health. remote work for the win