Strict, clingy, and controlling parents stop their kids from having an "f around and find out" stage. This stage is a very important part of a person's development. What age you let your kid "f around and find out "is a puzzle.
"Karren, did you feel like you helped anyone today?" You helped me! You just made me realize that I "kick my kid under the table" with small jabs every time they do something I think it wrong. Starting today, I think I'm going to change that.
Thank you realizing that, I'm speaking for your kid now🙃. If I may add, let your kid try and fail. And then try again. And again. And not needing for them to make something perfect, especially not while they're still figuring it out. It requires patience, and allowing them their own 'space' (even if it's clumsy etc.) but it's the only way they grow up to be an actually functioning adult.
Totally agree with the first part. But he could only speed run it, because she could. She turned out to have a lot of selfknowledge about her inner workings.
Can’t agree more. I also have thought that he’s doing so much good because these can be used in some sense as a one on one session for certain subjects. Can get some in office time with a physician in some manner from the videos, or at least some food for thought.
I resonate alot, too much even, with this woman and I was just in the middle of trying to get rid of my extreme anxiety of people (especially friends) leaving me because I'm being too overly emotionally dependent on them to the point that I don't even see them as someone close to me anymore but rather as a 'therapist' and this video just had to come in the right time..
Yeah same here... I feel like my whole happiness is dependent on what people think about me. Just a small insult will send me into a semi-depressive episode 😂 God bless
There's a great web game with just that premise, Adventures with Anxiety! The dog analogy really helps not just with understanding but with managing worry. The author also provides some resources on the page!
It is scary how much this lines up so much with me. Just replace the table nudge to insults. I literally can't even buy shoes, clothes, or even get a haircut on my own. Haven't in a while because I'm so concerned with what is objectively considered "correct" or "good". So as a result I've grown my hair long and not purchased clothes in a while. Even the part about my true desires bubbling over has made me move residences, and inaction causing me to have a more stagnant lifestyle. So props to Dr. K for this interview and this girl for diving deep inside her head. I'll try to turn things around from now on and achieve my goals
I was bullied in childhood and It stopped when I reached 15 years old. Just everyone stopped paying attention to me. I was relieved but then the opposite happened. I looked for people to give me attention but I was asking for it. It's vicious especially for you. I'm out of it now at 27y old. Now I have finally won my battle against anxiety, insecurity and depression at long last. I am free and my chains are broken but I could really rest for the eternity. Good luck fellas. What I learned is that not much people, or any people at all will help fight your dark past. It's a battle within you. Your battles will be in your mind most of the time and you will gain more knowledge to fight what is holding you back by listening to others common sayings about you without making it personnal (not to feed your demons eating you). I am the main character for the first time in my life. I'm just now terribly angry all the time but anger is good. It's healthy because it helps me achieve many things. Stand strong, stand proud. Ben out !
@@kacper38 By stopping to try to control everyone opinions and perceptions of you. Keep control over yourself. Don't try to fit in. Don't be agreable if you don't want to. Most broken are broken because they never realised that they could be strong.
@@cory99998 Having believed all my life that I needed always to change to cather to every people needs. Specially my family and my mother. All your life, people will blame you or criticize you. It's mostly a reflection of them that they put on you. You aren't 100% responsible for the person you became. Life, circumstances, people, family. If someone has always been miserable. Take a look at his relatives, you will have your answer.
@@lecomtedeneuch9994 I have a similar situation, and I don't think most of the offenders mean to do it, but like you said it's mostly a reflection of them, they're projecting their problems onto you. This made me pretty angry at first but over time as I've better understood that it's who they are and that that they truly don't influence me like they used to, the anger faded. Now it kinda just *is* and I don't really react one way or another. I just have mental boundaries set and don't take what they say seriously
thats the thing though right? being a people pleaser doesn't mean actually pleasing people. It means appeasing to the phantoms of them in your mind. Often times when we are dealing with a people pleaser walking on eggshells around us, its an uncomfortable situation for the person being so called ''pleased'' in the other end of the projection
@@shinkamui I do actually mean people pleasing. Like letting people disrespect me and put me down, but me never saying anything due to always thinking about their feelings first and not wanting to paint them as a bad person. Neglecting how I feel for others. Always being available and changing my whole schedule when someone wants to meet up or talk etc
23:50 Dr k.: "Thanks for coming on I'm tearing up" Just wanted to also say thank you to this wonderful guest, particularly the talks about accepting the doubt as an ally, I've been at war with myself and will continue to be for a long time, but knowing it's reversible/recoverable resonates with me. Thanks you again.
As an illustrator something that leaks into my personal life is constantly looking for the approval of others like I look for approval from my clients. (My therapist and I came to this conclusion) We are trained to hunt for that approval! Go easy on yourself fellow illustrator!
I was a perfectionist my whole life but got extremleyyyyyyyy bad when I became an illustrator with the constant critiques and redoing from fellow artists and clients.
Could anyone here who has a background in design/illustration offer some advice for me? I studied a bit in graphic design for 2 years so not a lot of experience. But I’ve noticed I’ve become scared of practicing design because I don’t know if I am capable of thinking creatively coupled with the nature of “needing approval” for my work. I have recently taken steps to be more confident and think in the present time (so less anxious thoughts thank goodness) but it’s like I’ve developed a creativity trauma or something.
@@suicicada I spent probably too much time in art school and it took me a long time after that to let go of bad advice and trust my senses professionally. Even now, I ask my sister how she feels about every single job I do because I know she will be honest. That means, when it's good. It's good. Keep trusting yourself. It just takes time. I would also recommend loving the things you love unapologetically. I gained more confidence when I was open/honest about things I enjoyed. Working also became more fun.
Ah the biggest problem with those of us who have ADHD. People-pleasing. "Am I doing this right? Do I pass for "normal"? What can I do to help you? Please let me help you." These are just some of the things that have gone through my head in the past. I used to be locked into it. The people-pleasing and making sure people accepted me and liked me and I was doing things correctly. To the point where because I wanted to help people I would force my help on them without them even asking for help (which actually hasn't even gone away. Tbh I'm not sure much of this has? And a lot of my attempts at people-pleasing have gone into negative territory like grammer and spelling correction which people hate even though I'm just trying to help). And with work it's gotten worse now. I'm trying so hard to please my boss and do something I know I'm absolutely garbage at (thanks social anxiety and having a job that involves direct customer contact and sales) so I'm people-pleasing in full force while trying to mask even though I've made it very well known that I have ADHD and some things just *need* to be excused/taught to me differently than you would a neurotypical person. And I'm so exhausted. I panic so badly every time my boss repeats something she's told me to do day after day. I know I'm supposed to be doing it. I know what I need to do but I can't always do it when I'm in the thick of things or I just outright forget. Not my fault but I'm being made to feel like it's my fault so I have to just keep trying to pretend and pray I can do it right this time or do it the way my co-workers do it and the way CDS wants it done. I am exhausted. Glad I was able to get this off my chest. A little bit.
Well this was something super close to what I'm suffering from right now and I have to say, the caller did help me, was crying my eyes out when Dr K asked if she thought she helped anyone. Perfect timing to see this video for me and I have to say thank you to both Dr K and the caller.
It's almost scary how frequently I'll be mulling over something and then THE NEXT DAY I see a video uploaded here about that exact subject, lmao. This is something I struggle with quite a bit and have been aware of and done a lot of thinking about for a while now, but just never really found an effective solution to, so it helps a lot just to hear about someone else's struggles with it and getting some outside thoughts on it all. Cheers to the HG community as always, including the viewer who came onto the stream to talk about this.
it my be barnum effect. You only see positives. You dont see counless of mental subjects dr k is not touching (like autism or anxiety when you wait your death). It only shows that your problems are experienced by the majority of dr k watchers.
I can so relate to your comment. I’ve been searching for an answer to why I keep feeling like I’m going to get in trouble and I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Hey Karin, just wanted to say YOU'RE not alone in this either. My brain works so similarly to yours, and after almost 3 years of intensively doing all the things you're supposed to do for your mental health, I'm FINALLY building new neural pathways with better-feeling thoughts and self-compassion. It's a long process. Keep with it.
Yes, this video helped me out a lot too. I'm always asking my friends for constant validation and reassurance like I would text them "are we good?" "is everything alright?" "are you ok?"
Oh boy this is also exactly what happens when you grow up with two different cultures. No one was being vague, but the rules and expectations were so diametrically opposed that I had to keep making the darn decision about who I wanted to be accepted by - the Eastern European family, the Western European one, or just me. It was such a goddamn BATTLE. I feel like I‘m very different from her and still entirely the same. I am very much someone who wants to fight against the machine, the voice who wants to Be Myself is so Loud. But the doubt is still there, it is still crippling. I know what and who I like or don’t like. Yet I feel inherently broken, because I simply can’t adhere to anyone‘s rules. It absolutely fills me with shame to not be above all of that, because I always thought I was. I can’t make daily decisions for the life of me, I‘m paralyzed 80% of my waking hours. I admire people who barely give a foop. I always thought that was me. I prided myself on being different. But no. I‘m just a small child wanting to be accepted by EVERYONE. To be goddamn safe and belong.
I used to be a people pleaser until i brought it up in conversation and internalized their very obvious distaste so basically I people-pleased into not people-pleasing anymore now I just notice I care and then get annoyed with myself for caring and THEN do what I want while my attack dog waits on a hair trigger for somebody to say something about it :’) much love to this caller for opening up and helping us all along the way
I am literally cooking rice and turning down the heat as this man asked “what do you do when you’re cooking rice and it’s about to boil over?” Doctor k are you in my house?
I've been binging Dr. K content for the past couple of weeks and this one hit me really hard. I was listening while making dinner and ended up crying three different times because I could relate so so much. Thank you so much for calling in.
this Envy/Jealousy and comparison trap has been a real problem that's been plaguing everything in my life. And I believe narcissism also plays art of it
I resonate with this a lot. Thank you Karren for sharing your story. In my situation, I struggle with taking charge of my own decisions and I compare myself to people I meet based on what they tell me. Also, I struggle with making mistakes, not just at work but everywhere in life. It causes me to overdo things and try too hard which is exhausting. Instead of taking the approach of, “Anthony, you’re still learning and growing every day, go easy on yourself.” I really enjoyed this video and others like it and I’m happy that I joined the community.
Hey there Anthony. I'm just some random Internet stranger but I saw this comment and wanted to say... You are still growing and learning, and you're often being too hard on yourself. I know lots of people like you in that way. Heck, I'm one of them. So from me to you, I know you're out there doing your best, even if you forget that sometimes. Treat yourself with the same love and care you'd show for a child, or your best friend, or your pet. And if you can't summon that up, well, that's where the work happens. But for now, trust me, you're out there doing your best and you deserve the credit you'd so quickly give to others. Cheers Dave
@@Undoing88 Hey Dave, thanks for the kind words man! Some days, I’m up other days I’m down but ultimately I know that as long as I have a new 24 hours to improve, things will get better
A long time ago, I had an uncharacteristic six-month surge of motivation, and I've tried to replicate it ever since (even though it ended poorly for me, I prefer motivation to the doubt that frustrates me most of the time). This video may explain a lot, and now I understand that the surge was not a breakthrough, but a symptom of the overall issue. I just have to take this one step at a time. Thank you!
I feel like fear of failure and negative self-talk after failure are so intertwined with this concept. It wasn't really talked about too much but I sort of had this realization that if I can change my perception of failure to see it as a positive thing that helps me learn and grow and develop more confidence each time I encounter it then I won't be so immobilized by it.
Story of my life LOL this could be literally a copy of my session with my psychiatrist. She even started with the same question “why do you think there is right or wrong” And I would’ve never believed or noticed i had anxiety before! You know the laughters karen had throughout the talk? Those are nervous laughters. I did the exact same thing. I hope we get to be more compassionate to ourselves.
Thank you for making a comeback with this format of conversation. It's more humanizing and easier to integrate the information ! Love the content, thank you ! ❤
Had to pause after every sentence starting at 25:40 to soak everything in... also thanks Karen! I did not realize I grew up not knowing what was right or wrong either! We appreciate you (:
This is my biggest problem right now. I do a lot of art and writing (not for money) and I feel like I absolutely need validation on it, even from strangers online, or it's worthless. I can be similar with opinions and emotional validation. My friend has told me that this is something I really need to work on, since I need to value myself and my work, myself. But I literally don't know how.
You are always going to need some validation from people when you are creating. It helps make the process more interesting. The hard part for me is pressing on when i dont get the reaction i want. Try making crappy stuff that you dont care about, it works wonders and its much harder then you think. Its a mind f%$#@
@@brandons9027 That's the real problem, is nobody cares about my art or anything. I've posted it on multiple websites and it's just a cricket-fest. So yeah... it sucks.
@@littlekitsune1 Yeah that's pretty standard really. I've known people who are geniuses who takes years for them to get noticed. Sometimes it just takes the right audience audience and where to find them is kind of a difficult question sometimes. At least you're still working on it that's pretty awesome most people give up. It's sad to watch
@@littlekitsune1 Done a lot of creative endeavors in my life and I've watched a lot of people achieve massive success and also failure. Persistence is one of the biggest factors. And luck, got to be lucky to find the right crowd and the right people who can support you. Also it's the way it works it's usually years and years of nothing and then it just explodes. So you could actually be headed towards some amount of recognition and not even know it. Just don't be too hard on yourself really there's no secret answer or anything.
@@brandons9027 That's good advice, thanks. I need to keep in mind that keeping at it is good no matter how I do. It's so easy to feel like giving up when nobody seems to care. I think social media has also hit artists pretty hard since the odd person who stumbles on it will likely only give a like instead of a fave/RT and comment, and likes don't really help much.
Holy shit! Thank you Ana-Catalina!! I've been feeling like this heavily for the past 3 years but I could never put it into words (I ain't too good with the words)! Thank you Healthy Gamer and AC for this session, it has definitely cleared a path to become a more independent person. I'm subscribed for life now!
This has been the most relatable video for me in a long time. And because Karen (or however you spell her name) was so advanced already in the progress, Dr. K got to go through the entire healing process in a step by step format so I know what to do to help me and I know I'm on the right path. Thanks Dr. K, thanks Karen. Love you both
I don't personally relate to this, but I am so impressed with this caller, to be honest. She seems so incredibly sweet, introspective, kind, and self aware.
thanks to both Dr.K and the guest for this one, it helps out a lot. I appreciate you. I've been alone with my head for a lot of time now, trying to fight and stand up against this voice. Whenever I felt like i made progress, it could be moments after or could be next day and all that progress seemed to be gone. My anxiety would just press the reset button, taking all power away from that progression and setting me back to the start. Just like in the video I feel like I DO get it but something inside my head just turns it around on me and keeps me stuck in a place I don't wanna be in. Hearing other people talk about this makes it feel a lot less hopeless. I will try to not see that guard dog as the bad, evil boi that I have to fight against anymore.
I'm feeling this way about my family life and moving out. I'd be moving in with a few people older than me (I'm 20 and they're 30). My parents comment about how I am throwing my life away if I were to move out and doubt that I'm making the right choice. On one hand I feel manipulated by my parents, but on the other I question if they're right. I live a rather busy life and have depended on them for my whole life (as it is for most children), but breaking free just seems implausible.
I struggle with this at work and at internships. I feel like there are rules and I am the only one who didn't get the memo. I am always wondering if I'm doing something wrong and everyone is just being 'nice' and not clueing me in, until of course somebody explodes at me and it decimates my self esteem. I have been conditioned to feel that people actually do have a problem or issue with me but they just don't tell me up front, so I have trust issues with people and never feel quite safe at work or when doing an internship. Often the blow up comes from an obviously hostile and irascible person and then I have to go to our supervisor to let them know what happened, but very rarely do I feel like that helps. It seems to just lead to more resentment from coworkers who resent me for letting our superior call attention to their disrespectful behavior. It seems I am caught in this loop of being blown up at, shifting work dynamics in some fundamental way just by EXISTING in the same space as everyone else, and then being resented for refusing to take disrespect from people with loose cannon personalities. I am naturally soft-spoken and do not do well arguing with loud-mouthed and angry people and just find it easier to go to a superior and let them know what's happening, but I worry that this makes me look weak.
I was the child of someone like Karen. When I was a child my mom used to bring strange woman to the house that immediately started to preach what was "the right way to live". The problem is that the rules of the game changed with every woman, as most adults in my live they were extremely arbitrary " do what I say, not what I do" and I was supposed to go against things my own mom teach me (like, when they disrespected my mom). For years I resent my mom for doing that.
Man, this really resonates with me. I wish it weren't the case, but I can oftentimes be a pushover because my anxiety about taking those "chances" in life really overwhelm me sometimes.
In my experience people who look for approval are usually not getting their love needs met. When you look at those in happy relationships they usually just simply leave social media all together, they get cheap cars and stuff, they don't brag about. Us guys often brag about our things and what we do, to become interesting and to gain some kind of attention and potentially love partner, as there is so much competition that you have to stand out somehow and be "the better option". Another thing is as guys we don't get that through our other relationships like friendships as women do, who hug eachother (sometimes even kiss), lay in bed together etc. I can confirm this to be true even when guys that I hang around get girlfriends, they suddenly stop massively posting on social media and flexing. They don't need to anymore as their needs are met and they are at peace. So I guess the lack of love and care for you would cause this. Bragging with materialistic things in men's case and showing off beauty and thrist trapping in women's case. I don't think we can be entirely independant as individuals, it's only natural to be dependant on a love from someone else to feel truely enough.
She’s right about that psychologist…Some will make you feel guilty, even when you need to let go , leave, the psychologist may keep you, guilt you for money, or pressure to continue…😫
Holy shit this video is unlocking my galaxy brain. I have struggled with this kind of anxiety my whole life (as a result of my childhood peers not my parents). I'm going to rewatch this video so much
If you seek approval it's normal phenomenon that could happen to everyone, rather because how we "educated". But if you doubt at something in crucial moments, you may need to stop everything and think carefully about it. In my case it's when I went to enroll on the last semester of the uni, I was so close to graduate at that point but I started to doubt about this decision and stopped right in front of the registration office. Well there are chain of events afterward but in conclusion I didn't graduate from the uni. If you're another normal person you might think that I was an idiot for not finish the uni despite it's just 1 semester away. I'm happy with my decision though, I can't tell you that the result is good or I'm being well-off. What I can tell is even if I suffer the consequences afterward I still think that decision is the greatest achievement for me. Well get into my reasons. First, I hate the system, it's super rebellious to go against the flow. The result here is that I feels the freedom for first time in my life, it's similar to when you need to go to toilet but you can't for a few hours then finally released from the suffering afterward. Second, I'm rebelling against my family. If you're never live in the family that forcing you into everything and keep pushing you with hatred and anger, you wouldn't be able to understand this. The result is nobody care about me anymore, though because I'm kinda living like a leech in this house I'd still got some tyranny acts from those people. All in all I'm still glad that I'm out of leash from my family. Third, the repercussions from studied too hard and ignored myself for such a long time kicked in. I slept for 12 - 15 hours depends on day, at first I even flip day/night just to avoid meeting with people in this house. The result here is pre-2020. I've gotten better and started to handle and continually improving myself. Then 2020 hit, everyone suffering and luckily for me that it seems everything else got reduced into similar level as me so nobody cares if I'm a freaking NEET anymore since finding work is hard and having to travel outside is even worse. Like everybody else, I was stuck with "motivation videos". I even tried to woke up at 4am and work for 16 hours like some people in that destructive circle. The best thing I learnt from my experiences is that whatever I wanted to do, start with myself. The actual meaning is to start understanding myself and adjust everything as if the universe orbit around me. I'm in control of "This" /point toward my own body/. And here I am working and resting as needed toward my goals, so one day I could make some money without having to seek 9-5 job. I'm hitting 30 this year, for those around 30s I'm sure you guys also feel something something about midlife crisis. It's not too late to start something even if that thing is so dang big you can just start with a micro fraction of it.
Congrats on starting therapy, I can definitely relate to having AvPD symptoms too! Ironically that makes it harder to work up to getting into therapy I feel. So it's awesome you took that leap!
Relating so, so, so, so, so much with what she says and Dr. K is advising, but being myself and letting it all out got me "here/to how I feel atm/these issues", so no way in hell can I ever be myself nor do that again. I feel I have to suppress myself and be nobody to do okay, which brought me into social anxiety, panic disorder, possibly GAD and agoraphobia and more already, sadly, mixed with depression and some suicidal thoughts occasionally. Also all fueled by ADHD D: Other people have the privilege and means to get better, but I'm stuck and doomed and that sucks :( I'm so glad others can get better, though
This was the exact thing that I needed to hear. It resonated with me which I believe is the thing that everyone needs to search for. Find something that means something to you, or at least that is what I am everyone else probably always hears. Believing in myself and working alongside my anxiety and doubt and learn to talk to it. Understanding it's flawed in the sense it hasn't grown like I have. It works off obsolete data. It has to catch up by myself being what I want and doing what I want. I decide what is right and wrong based off my own morals and wisdom.
"My mother would give me little kicks to tell me I was wrong." As someone who also suffered childhood abuse (verball, physical and emotional) some people really should not have kids. Very helpful since I suffer from bad people pleasing also like many others who were conditioned to.
theres a line between being a bad parent and being abusive and lightly kicking your child under the table to tell them to stop doing something is probably being a bad parent and definitely not abusive. you harm real abuse victims when you label shit like that as abuse.
If the kicks wheren't hurtful then it was not abuse. It was just negative re-enforcement that affects your confidence later on life. Every parent does things that are bad but they think they are doing good.
this session is the best one yet as a hispanic eldest daughter myself, I noticed our culture instills this sense of doubt within its women and i feel is not addressed as much as it should be
She seems so damn wholesome and nice 😂 I hope her the best and that she eventually feels comfortable enough to just enjoy being herself and what she likes ❤ Okay editing this because the closing thoughts, although sort of unrelated, were also targeting me because whenever it comes to girls recently Ive become so nervous and unconfident that Ill just get rejected anyway or say something stupid or fumble my words that Ill be paralyzed or do nothing because Im an anxious wreck in that situation. All the way until Im in a social situation where Ive had some liquid confidence and then Ill talk to anyone 😂 but even then Im too scared to make a move or ask someone out!! But I think I just have to start eating the slice of pizza because ultimately it will not matter and everything carries on
I identify a lot with this woman (being mexican and all too), always second guessing myself, always trying to make the BEST decision and being afraid of being fucking wrong.
You've just gained even more respect from me than you already had. You carry yourself in such a kind, attentive and encouraging way and you always find the right words to explain exactly what's going on. Those talking to you are pretty much guaranteed to leave feeling so much better about themselves.
i get this a lot, especially the scenario of buying a shirt. i find myself not liking a shirt or not having an oppinion on it at all, but when someone else likes it i start liking it as well. idk if i just dont have any taste in fashion or if i need that same feedback of what is fashionable.
Man i have this problem about my performance. I always feel insecure if there no positive feedback from anyone. It could sometime lead to paranoia and risk ruining everything by snapping off. I don't know why i'm like this. This is why i can't form long term relationship 😔
Who would have thought that I would be learning about how to train my dog and why I feel this way in the same video 😆 I was condition to follow the rules while expecting to break them. You follow the rules and nothing good happen; You break the rule and bad things happen. You're doom if you do and you're doom if you don't and so you do nothing or rebel.
How is it possible that some people can have big insight into their lives like her and others just don't see anything, even when they are destructive and hurting people around them (as oppose to this woman)? Like my mom who is horrible but slightest proposition that she could work on her impulses or rages or something just brings another terror into our lives and suffering....
It's called internalizing vs externalizing. Internalizers assume that they are the problem, so they spend a lot time examining everything they do and think. Externalizers always think the problem is someone else, so they have nothing to reflect on.
I don't so much as need people to like me as much as I don't want them to be disrespectful and publicly humiliate me. Delt with that my whole life. Though when I do get along with people I tend to at times try to get or make sure they actually like me
I hate being wrong and I get super defensive if someone points out my mistake! I can’t peacefully say “yeah… I did it wrong”, bc I feel like they’re saying I’m not good enough, and I’m f*cking good, you know? I’m a great mom, my house is pretty clean, I try real hard, you better be praising me for what I do and not criticizing my tiny mistake! And if I wasn’t trying hard it’s still okay by me, I’d say that I always try hard and deserve a little rest. It is so important to me to be always right that I ditched a medical career, because I made a mistake and I couldn’t take responsibility for it. I mean, I admitted I did wrong. But in my mind I don’t think so. I made a mistake because it was my first month, I worked without a nurse and was overwhelmed. It was inevitable. Doctors make mistakes sooner or later. I’m still blaming myself, and I know I couldn’t handle another mistake like that. I worked 1 year and quit. I tried too hard not to make a mistake, it was too cumbersome that I decided to switch to another career. But now I’m just a stay at home mom, and I can freak out if my hubby points out I didn’t dry off spilled water. Not always, just after a bad day or such, but I’m really tired of this. I need to be praised for the stuff I do, like I praise him for being himself, which he takes for granted. And I don’t get that approval. I feel like a dry plant craving for water. I really don’t want to depend on anybody’s approval. I just want to be myself and let myself be imperfect. Otherwise I won’t be able to have any career at all.
Whoa. This just opened my eyes i never thought this could be my problem. my therapist is actually feeding me with what I wanna listen and evaluating me and am feeding her with money. Whoaaa
When I understood that too. I realised therapy was just a scam. I learned to listen to myself and talk to myself. It's free and who knows yourself better than you ?
I've never been to a real therapist, but I can see how it can be helpful and beneficial. The reason I don't see one is because at the moment what I need is someone to give me a second perspective on my goals and ideas. For me I am thankful for my parents for being around to help me with that. However, I can see how a therapist could be helpful for someone who doesn't have that sort of support available. Solving things on your own works if you are aware of the things you need to fix. But I think it's very difficult to be aware of something that you are not aware of. I think a therapist would be good at helping one be more aware of problems that one may not notice. Open to hearing ppl's ideas
@@bremolucleicoistri9842 I think this is a good way to see it. I’ve been able to work through my anxiety on my own because I generally have a decent idea of what the problem is, and I’m lucky enough to have the support and resources to help me work with myself. I have considered getting professional help in times when I really felt lost or stuck, which is when I think therapy would be most valuable (at least for me anyways, everyone is different).
@@lecomtedeneuch9994 Saying that therapy is a scam is actually the voice of your anxiety speaking through you. It's easier to say that it's a scam and counterproductive than to face up to your problems and fears.
I saw so much of myself in Karen. I’m really indecisive and I need approval from people that what I think and what I do is right. I get paralysed by many choices.
I've had a simmilar mindset (still do), but it was due to my father (great man btw), who always had a more "efficient" way to do something, meaning I did it wrong. It subconsiously paralized me. And after I had read black swan and antifragility by Nassim Taleb, I noticed the power, the information of mistakes. Since then I always try to intentionally make mistakes to see what will happen. Do my way of thinking has flaws? If has, how to correct them? If I make a mistake, will someone punish me for not doing it right? And after seeking failure I was shoked by how rare the real failure came. Still I face the same problem: need of someone who will say am I doing it right or not. I just substitute the image of my father by anyone who is giving me some task to do or simmilar (work, university). Thank you, and Karen for helping me find the root problem, but I feel like I could not grasp the solution enough and it will be forgotten soon :'/
Strict, clingy, and controlling parents stop their kids from having an "f around and find out" stage. This stage is a very important part of a person's development. What age you let your kid "f around and find out "is a puzzle.
Credit to this lady for no longer lying to herself and speaking honestly to someone about her problems with people pleasing.
"Karren, did you feel like you helped anyone today?" You helped me! You just made me realize that I "kick my kid under the table" with small jabs every time they do something I think it wrong. Starting today, I think I'm going to change that.
Thank you realizing that, I'm speaking for your kid now🙃. If I may add, let your kid try and fail. And then try again. And again. And not needing for them to make something perfect, especially not while they're still figuring it out. It requires patience, and allowing them their own 'space' (even if it's clumsy etc.) but it's the only way they grow up to be an actually functioning adult.
Dr. K deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. His personality is so infectiously nice, & the dude just speed run this person's problems like a boss.
Totally agree with the first part. But he could only speed run it, because she could. She turned out to have a lot of selfknowledge about her inner workings.
Can’t agree more. I also have thought that he’s doing so much good because these can be used in some sense as a one on one session for certain subjects. Can get some in office time with a physician in some manner from the videos, or at least some food for thought.
I resonate alot, too much even, with this woman and I was just in the middle of trying to get rid of my extreme anxiety of people (especially friends) leaving me because I'm being too overly emotionally dependent on them to the point that I don't even see them as someone close to me anymore but rather as a 'therapist' and this video just had to come in the right time..
G is an g
Dr k always giving the bussin’ vids of life advice when it’s needed. We all seem to be of a “hive mind” HHAHAhahaa xD
Yeah same here... I feel like my whole happiness is dependent on what people think about me. Just a small insult will send me into a semi-depressive episode 😂 God bless
The guard dog analogy is incredibly clear way to digest Maladaptive defence mechanisms.
There's a great web game with just that premise, Adventures with Anxiety! The dog analogy really helps not just with understanding but with managing worry. The author also provides some resources on the page!
@@evgeni1310 Link?
It is scary how much this lines up so much with me. Just replace the table nudge to insults. I literally can't even buy shoes, clothes, or even get a haircut on my own. Haven't in a while because I'm so concerned with what is objectively considered "correct" or "good". So as a result I've grown my hair long and not purchased clothes in a while. Even the part about my true desires bubbling over has made me move residences, and inaction causing me to have a more stagnant lifestyle. So props to Dr. K for this interview and this girl for diving deep inside her head. I'll try to turn things around from now on and achieve my goals
I was bullied in childhood and It stopped when I reached 15 years old. Just everyone stopped paying attention to me. I was relieved but then the opposite happened. I looked for people to give me attention but I was asking for it. It's vicious especially for you. I'm out of it now at 27y old. Now I have finally won my battle against anxiety, insecurity and depression at long last. I am free and my chains are broken but I could really rest for the eternity. Good luck fellas. What I learned is that not much people, or any people at all will help fight your dark past. It's a battle within you. Your battles will be in your mind most of the time and you will gain more knowledge to fight what is holding you back by listening to others common sayings about you without making it personnal (not to feed your demons eating you).
I am the main character for the first time in my life. I'm just now terribly angry all the time but anger is good. It's healthy because it helps me achieve many things.
Stand strong, stand proud.
Ben out !
Question is how to nor be afraid without becoming a bitter man
Whats making you feel angry?
@@kacper38 By stopping to try to control everyone opinions and perceptions of you. Keep control over yourself. Don't try to fit in. Don't be agreable if you don't want to. Most broken are broken because they never realised that they could be strong.
@@cory99998 Having believed all my life that I needed always to change to cather to every people needs. Specially my family and my mother. All your life, people will blame you or criticize you. It's mostly a reflection of them that they put on you. You aren't 100% responsible for the person you became. Life, circumstances, people, family. If someone has always been miserable. Take a look at his relatives, you will have your answer.
@@lecomtedeneuch9994 I have a similar situation, and I don't think most of the offenders mean to do it, but like you said it's mostly a reflection of them, they're projecting their problems onto you.
This made me pretty angry at first but over time as I've better understood that it's who they are and that that they truly don't influence me like they used to, the anger faded. Now it kinda just *is* and I don't really react one way or another. I just have mental boundaries set and don't take what they say seriously
Should have been paid an hourly wage for being a life long people pleaser.
Can I pay with exposure?
I'd be rich if that were the case.
Same. Would be rich!
thats the thing though right? being a people pleaser doesn't mean actually pleasing people. It means appeasing to the phantoms of them in your mind. Often times when we are dealing with a people pleaser walking on eggshells around us, its an uncomfortable situation for the person being so called ''pleased'' in the other end of the projection
@@shinkamui I do actually mean people pleasing. Like letting people disrespect me and put me down, but me never saying anything due to always thinking about their feelings first and not wanting to paint them as a bad person. Neglecting how I feel for others. Always being available and changing my whole schedule when someone wants to meet up or talk etc
Can you stop? Next title is going to have my adress in it or what xD
Facts lol, what's next? He's gonna put my social in the thumbnail?
Seriously, what is going on?
yo but seriously though, what's next? My house in the thumbnail?
Dr K New video : "Why you burned down an ant colony with a home made diy flamethrower when you were 5"
just goes to show, we all are humans with stupid problems that we hide
23:50
Dr k.: "Thanks for coming on I'm tearing up"
Just wanted to also say thank you to this wonderful guest, particularly the talks about accepting the doubt as an ally, I've been at war with myself and will continue to be for a long time, but knowing it's reversible/recoverable resonates with me. Thanks you again.
As an illustrator something that leaks into my personal life is constantly looking for the approval of others like I look for approval from my clients. (My therapist and I came to this conclusion) We are trained to hunt for that approval! Go easy on yourself fellow illustrator!
Im not an Illustrator but a Designer an I feel that on so many levels.
Damn that sucks!
I was a perfectionist my whole life but got extremleyyyyyyyy bad when I became an illustrator with the constant critiques and redoing from fellow artists and clients.
Could anyone here who has a background in design/illustration offer some advice for me? I studied a bit in graphic design for 2 years so not a lot of experience. But I’ve noticed I’ve become scared of practicing design because I don’t know if I am capable of thinking creatively coupled with the nature of “needing approval” for my work. I have recently taken steps to be more confident and think in the present time (so less anxious thoughts thank goodness) but it’s like I’ve developed a creativity trauma or something.
@@suicicada I spent probably too much time in art school and it took me a long time after that to let go of bad advice and trust my senses professionally. Even now, I ask my sister how she feels about every single job I do because I know she will be honest. That means, when it's good. It's good. Keep trusting yourself. It just takes time. I would also recommend loving the things you love unapologetically. I gained more confidence when I was open/honest about things I enjoyed. Working also became more fun.
Ah the biggest problem with those of us who have ADHD. People-pleasing. "Am I doing this right? Do I pass for "normal"? What can I do to help you? Please let me help you." These are just some of the things that have gone through my head in the past. I used to be locked into it. The people-pleasing and making sure people accepted me and liked me and I was doing things correctly. To the point where because I wanted to help people I would force my help on them without them even asking for help (which actually hasn't even gone away. Tbh I'm not sure much of this has? And a lot of my attempts at people-pleasing have gone into negative territory like grammer and spelling correction which people hate even though I'm just trying to help). And with work it's gotten worse now. I'm trying so hard to please my boss and do something I know I'm absolutely garbage at (thanks social anxiety and having a job that involves direct customer contact and sales) so I'm people-pleasing in full force while trying to mask even though I've made it very well known that I have ADHD and some things just *need* to be excused/taught to me differently than you would a neurotypical person. And I'm so exhausted. I panic so badly every time my boss repeats something she's told me to do day after day. I know I'm supposed to be doing it. I know what I need to do but I can't always do it when I'm in the thick of things or I just outright forget. Not my fault but I'm being made to feel like it's my fault so I have to just keep trying to pretend and pray I can do it right this time or do it the way my co-workers do it and the way CDS wants it done.
I am exhausted.
Glad I was able to get this off my chest. A little bit.
Well this was something super close to what I'm suffering from right now and I have to say, the caller did help me, was crying my eyes out when Dr K asked if she thought she helped anyone. Perfect timing to see this video for me and I have to say thank you to both Dr K and the caller.
She’s so self aware and brave. Glad she found help
It's almost scary how frequently I'll be mulling over something and then THE NEXT DAY I see a video uploaded here about that exact subject, lmao. This is something I struggle with quite a bit and have been aware of and done a lot of thinking about for a while now, but just never really found an effective solution to, so it helps a lot just to hear about someone else's struggles with it and getting some outside thoughts on it all. Cheers to the HG community as always, including the viewer who came onto the stream to talk about this.
it my be barnum effect. You only see positives. You dont see counless of mental subjects dr k is not touching (like autism or anxiety when you wait your death). It only shows that your problems are experienced by the majority of dr k watchers.
I can so relate to your comment. I’ve been searching for an answer to why I keep feeling like I’m going to get in trouble and I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Hey Karin, just wanted to say YOU'RE not alone in this either. My brain works so similarly to yours, and after almost 3 years of intensively doing all the things you're supposed to do for your mental health, I'm FINALLY building new neural pathways with better-feeling thoughts and self-compassion. It's a long process. Keep with it.
3 years and still under a dr. K video, is it really worth it?
Yes, this video helped me out a lot too. I'm always asking my friends for constant validation and reassurance like I would text them "are we good?" "is everything alright?" "are you ok?"
Oh boy this is also exactly what happens when you grow up with two different cultures. No one was being vague, but the rules and expectations were so diametrically opposed that I had to keep making the darn decision about who I wanted to be accepted by - the Eastern European family, the Western European one, or just me. It was such a goddamn BATTLE. I feel like I‘m very different from her and still entirely the same. I am very much someone who wants to fight against the machine, the voice who wants to Be Myself is so Loud. But the doubt is still there, it is still crippling. I know what and who I like or don’t like. Yet I feel inherently broken, because I simply can’t adhere to anyone‘s rules. It absolutely fills me with shame to not be above all of that, because I always thought I was. I can’t make daily decisions for the life of me, I‘m paralyzed 80% of my waking hours. I admire people who barely give a foop. I always thought that was me. I prided myself on being different. But no. I‘m just a small child wanting to be accepted by EVERYONE. To be goddamn safe and belong.
very relatable caller and they are a great soul 💕
And language barriers that’s why the agreeing to everything
I used to be a people pleaser until i brought it up in conversation and internalized their very obvious distaste
so basically I people-pleased into not people-pleasing anymore
now I just notice I care and then get annoyed with myself for caring and THEN do what I want while my attack dog waits on a hair trigger for somebody to say something about it :’)
much love to this caller for opening up and helping us all along the way
She helped me. Thank you for sharing your story with us
I find it so hard to have compassion for myself but this channel makes it easy
I am literally cooking rice and turning down the heat as this man asked “what do you do when you’re cooking rice and it’s about to boil over?”
Doctor k are you in my house?
😂
I've been binging Dr. K content for the past couple of weeks and this one hit me really hard. I was listening while making dinner and ended up crying three different times because I could relate so so much. Thank you so much for calling in.
Ugh, I teared up while she was explaining herself in the beginning. We are not alone and there is hope ❤️
this Envy/Jealousy and comparison trap has been a real problem that's been plaguing everything in my life. And I believe narcissism also plays art of it
Brooo you are very relatable about feeling like you need someone to ‘kick’ you to stop doing something if it’s wrong
This hits home 🥲. Thank you for making this video Dr K 🎉
I resonate with this a lot. Thank you Karren for sharing your story. In my situation, I struggle with taking charge of my own decisions and I compare myself to people I meet based on what they tell me. Also, I struggle with making mistakes, not just at work but everywhere in life. It causes me to overdo things and try too hard which is exhausting. Instead of taking the approach of, “Anthony, you’re still learning and growing every day, go easy on yourself.” I really enjoyed this video and others like it and I’m happy that I joined the community.
Hey there Anthony. I'm just some random Internet stranger but I saw this comment and wanted to say... You are still growing and learning, and you're often being too hard on yourself. I know lots of people like you in that way. Heck, I'm one of them. So from me to you, I know you're out there doing your best, even if you forget that sometimes. Treat yourself with the same love and care you'd show for a child, or your best friend, or your pet.
And if you can't summon that up, well, that's where the work happens. But for now, trust me, you're out there doing your best and you deserve the credit you'd so quickly give to others.
Cheers
Dave
@@Undoing88 Hey Dave, thanks for the kind words man! Some days, I’m up other days I’m down but ultimately I know that as long as I have a new 24 hours to improve, things will get better
A long time ago, I had an uncharacteristic six-month surge of motivation, and I've tried to replicate it ever since (even though it ended poorly for me, I prefer motivation to the doubt that frustrates me most of the time). This video may explain a lot, and now I understand that the surge was not a breakthrough, but a symptom of the overall issue. I just have to take this one step at a time. Thank you!
I feel like fear of failure and negative self-talk after failure are so intertwined with this concept. It wasn't really talked about too much but I sort of had this realization that if I can change my perception of failure to see it as a positive thing that helps me learn and grow and develop more confidence each time I encounter it then I won't be so immobilized by it.
Yes!!
Story of my life LOL
this could be literally a copy of my session with my psychiatrist.
She even started with the same question “why do you think there is right or wrong”
And I would’ve never believed or noticed i had anxiety before!
You know the laughters karen had throughout the talk? Those are nervous laughters. I did the exact same thing.
I hope we get to be more compassionate to ourselves.
Thank you for making a comeback with this format of conversation.
It's more humanizing and easier to integrate the information !
Love the content, thank you ! ❤
Had to pause after every sentence starting at 25:40 to soak everything in... also thanks Karen! I did not realize I grew up not knowing what was right or wrong either! We appreciate you (:
22:00 guard dog analogy. 26:20 acting with confidence=feeling what you're doing is right? 29:00 bringing it all together
This is my biggest problem right now. I do a lot of art and writing (not for money) and I feel like I absolutely need validation on it, even from strangers online, or it's worthless. I can be similar with opinions and emotional validation. My friend has told me that this is something I really need to work on, since I need to value myself and my work, myself. But I literally don't know how.
You are always going to need some validation from people when you are creating. It helps make the process more interesting. The hard part for me is pressing on when i dont get the reaction i want. Try making crappy stuff that you dont care about, it works wonders and its much harder then you think. Its a mind f%$#@
@@brandons9027 That's the real problem, is nobody cares about my art or anything. I've posted it on multiple websites and it's just a cricket-fest. So yeah... it sucks.
@@littlekitsune1 Yeah that's pretty standard really. I've known people who are geniuses who takes years for them to get noticed. Sometimes it just takes the right audience audience and where to find them is kind of a difficult question sometimes. At least you're still working on it that's pretty awesome most people give up. It's sad to watch
@@littlekitsune1 Done a lot of creative endeavors in my life and I've watched a lot of people achieve massive success and also failure. Persistence is one of the biggest factors. And luck, got to be lucky to find the right crowd and the right people who can support you. Also it's the way it works it's usually years and years of nothing and then it just explodes. So you could actually be headed towards some amount of recognition and not even know it. Just don't be too hard on yourself really there's no secret answer or anything.
@@brandons9027 That's good advice, thanks. I need to keep in mind that keeping at it is good no matter how I do. It's so easy to feel like giving up when nobody seems to care. I think social media has also hit artists pretty hard since the odd person who stumbles on it will likely only give a like instead of a fave/RT and comment, and likes don't really help much.
Holy shit! Thank you Ana-Catalina!! I've been feeling like this heavily for the past 3 years but I could never put it into words (I ain't too good with the words)! Thank you Healthy Gamer and AC for this session, it has definitely cleared a path to become a more independent person. I'm subscribed for life now!
DR K I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING, A LOT OF YOUR VIDEOS RESONATE WITH ME FOR VARIOUS REASONS, YOU'RE ONE A KIND. THANK YOU
17:15 “you know what u want, u just doubt yourself”
This has been the most relatable video for me in a long time. And because Karen (or however you spell her name) was so advanced already in the progress, Dr. K got to go through the entire healing process in a step by step format so I know what to do to help me and I know I'm on the right path. Thanks Dr. K, thanks Karen. Love you both
I don't personally relate to this, but I am so impressed with this caller, to be honest. She seems so incredibly sweet, introspective, kind, and self aware.
thanks to both Dr.K and the guest for this one, it helps out a lot. I appreciate you. I've been alone with my head for a lot of time now, trying to fight and stand up against this voice. Whenever I felt like i made progress, it could be moments after or could be next day and all that progress seemed to be gone. My anxiety would just press the reset button, taking all power away from that progression and setting me back to the start. Just like in the video I feel like I DO get it but something inside my head just turns it around on me and keeps me stuck in a place I don't wanna be in. Hearing other people talk about this makes it feel a lot less hopeless. I will try to not see that guard dog as the bad, evil boi that I have to fight against anymore.
I'm feeling this way about my family life and moving out. I'd be moving in with a few people older than me (I'm 20 and they're 30). My parents comment about how I am throwing my life away if I were to move out and doubt that I'm making the right choice. On one hand I feel manipulated by my parents, but on the other I question if they're right. I live a rather busy life and have depended on them for my whole life (as it is for most children), but breaking free just seems implausible.
The line between listening to someone elses advice and seeking for approval is a very thin one.
You are making the right choice. Even if its the wrong choice it will be right one.
I struggle with this at work and at internships. I feel like there are rules and I am the only one who didn't get the memo. I am always wondering if I'm doing something wrong and everyone is just being 'nice' and not clueing me in, until of course somebody explodes at me and it decimates my self esteem. I have been conditioned to feel that people actually do have a problem or issue with me but they just don't tell me up front, so I have trust issues with people and never feel quite safe at work or when doing an internship. Often the blow up comes from an obviously hostile and irascible person and then I have to go to our supervisor to let them know what happened, but very rarely do I feel like that helps. It seems to just lead to more resentment from coworkers who resent me for letting our superior call attention to their disrespectful behavior. It seems I am caught in this loop of being blown up at, shifting work dynamics in some fundamental way just by EXISTING in the same space as everyone else, and then being resented for refusing to take disrespect from people with loose cannon personalities. I am naturally soft-spoken and do not do well arguing with loud-mouthed and angry people and just find it easier to go to a superior and let them know what's happening, but I worry that this makes me look weak.
I was the child of someone like Karen.
When I was a child my mom used to bring strange woman to the house that immediately started to preach what was "the right way to live". The problem is that the rules of the game changed with every woman, as most adults in my live they were extremely arbitrary " do what I say, not what I do" and I was supposed to go against things my own mom teach me (like, when they disrespected my mom).
For years I resent my mom for doing that.
Man, this really resonates with me. I wish it weren't the case, but I can oftentimes be a pushover because my anxiety about taking those "chances" in life really overwhelm me sometimes.
In my experience people who look for approval are usually not getting their love needs met. When you look at those in happy relationships they usually just simply leave social media all together, they get cheap cars and stuff, they don't brag about. Us guys often brag about our things and what we do, to become interesting and to gain some kind of attention and potentially love partner, as there is so much competition that you have to stand out somehow and be "the better option". Another thing is as guys we don't get that through our other relationships like friendships as women do, who hug eachother (sometimes even kiss), lay in bed together etc. I can confirm this to be true even when guys that I hang around get girlfriends, they suddenly stop massively posting on social media and flexing. They don't need to anymore as their needs are met and they are at peace. So I guess the lack of love and care for you would cause this. Bragging with materialistic things in men's case and showing off beauty and thrist trapping in women's case. I don't think we can be entirely independant as individuals, it's only natural to be dependant on a love from someone else to feel truely enough.
She’s right about that psychologist…Some will make you feel guilty, even when you need to let go , leave, the psychologist may keep you, guilt you for money, or pressure to continue…😫
Holy shit this video is unlocking my galaxy brain. I have struggled with this kind of anxiety my whole life (as a result of my childhood peers not my parents). I'm going to rewatch this video so much
If you seek approval it's normal phenomenon that could happen to everyone, rather because how we "educated". But if you doubt at something in crucial moments, you may need to stop everything and think carefully about it. In my case it's when I went to enroll on the last semester of the uni, I was so close to graduate at that point but I started to doubt about this decision and stopped right in front of the registration office. Well there are chain of events afterward but in conclusion I didn't graduate from the uni. If you're another normal person you might think that I was an idiot for not finish the uni despite it's just 1 semester away. I'm happy with my decision though, I can't tell you that the result is good or I'm being well-off. What I can tell is even if I suffer the consequences afterward I still think that decision is the greatest achievement for me. Well get into my reasons. First, I hate the system, it's super rebellious to go against the flow. The result here is that I feels the freedom for first time in my life, it's similar to when you need to go to toilet but you can't for a few hours then finally released from the suffering afterward. Second, I'm rebelling against my family. If you're never live in the family that forcing you into everything and keep pushing you with hatred and anger, you wouldn't be able to understand this. The result is nobody care about me anymore, though because I'm kinda living like a leech in this house I'd still got some tyranny acts from those people. All in all I'm still glad that I'm out of leash from my family. Third, the repercussions from studied too hard and ignored myself for such a long time kicked in. I slept for 12 - 15 hours depends on day, at first I even flip day/night just to avoid meeting with people in this house. The result here is pre-2020. I've gotten better and started to handle and continually improving myself. Then 2020 hit, everyone suffering and luckily for me that it seems everything else got reduced into similar level as me so nobody cares if I'm a freaking NEET anymore since finding work is hard and having to travel outside is even worse. Like everybody else, I was stuck with "motivation videos". I even tried to woke up at 4am and work for 16 hours like some people in that destructive circle. The best thing I learnt from my experiences is that whatever I wanted to do, start with myself. The actual meaning is to start understanding myself and adjust everything as if the universe orbit around me. I'm in control of "This" /point toward my own body/. And here I am working and resting as needed toward my goals, so one day I could make some money without having to seek 9-5 job. I'm hitting 30 this year, for those around 30s I'm sure you guys also feel something something about midlife crisis. It's not too late to start something even if that thing is so dang big you can just start with a micro fraction of it.
Your rapport here is stellar- you’re very good at what you do!
Oh my god, I have started therapy this month and I feel like I have avoidant personality disorder. This video was exactly what I needed!
Congrats on starting therapy, I can definitely relate to having AvPD symptoms too! Ironically that makes it harder to work up to getting into therapy I feel. So it's awesome you took that leap!
Huge thank you for this video. Very important topic for me, and it hits very close to my issues!
story of my life... great work, thanks for all the videos.
Bro I was reluctant to watch this but Jesus this is some great internal work happening before our eyes. Proud of this community 💪
Relating so, so, so, so, so much with what she says and Dr. K is advising, but being myself and letting it all out got me "here/to how I feel atm/these issues", so no way in hell can I ever be myself nor do that again. I feel I have to suppress myself and be nobody to do okay, which brought me into social anxiety, panic disorder, possibly GAD and agoraphobia and more already, sadly, mixed with depression and some suicidal thoughts occasionally. Also all fueled by ADHD D: Other people have the privilege and means to get better, but I'm stuck and doomed and that sucks :(
I'm so glad others can get better, though
*At **19:50**, did she just make a reference to Churchill's depression?*
This was so beautiful I can relate greatly with what she struggles with and her sharing definitely felt helpful for me. 🥰
23:37 i literally teared up lmfao thank you for this it inspired me a lot (to everyone)
Too relatable. I've no clue what I want, and always seek approval from others.
This was the exact thing that I needed to hear. It resonated with me which I believe is the thing that everyone needs to search for. Find something that means something to you, or at least that is what I am everyone else probably always hears. Believing in myself and working alongside my anxiety and doubt and learn to talk to it. Understanding it's flawed in the sense it hasn't grown like I have. It works off obsolete data. It has to catch up by myself being what I want and doing what I want. I decide what is right and wrong based off my own morals and wisdom.
"My mother would give me little kicks to tell me I was wrong." As someone who also suffered childhood abuse (verball, physical and emotional) some people really should not have kids.
Very helpful since I suffer from bad people pleasing also like many others who were conditioned to.
theres a line between being a bad parent and being abusive and lightly kicking your child under the table to tell them to stop doing something is probably being a bad parent and definitely not abusive. you harm real abuse victims when you label shit like that as abuse.
If the kicks wheren't hurtful then it was not abuse. It was just negative re-enforcement that affects your confidence later on life. Every parent does things that are bad but they think they are doing good.
@@yelsu3358It’s emotionally and mentally abusive to make them feel like what they have to say is wrong and shouldn’t be said
"tiring cuz always trying to guess what other people think" fuuuuuck this why im always so exhausted from socializing
This was very uncomfortable to listen to because I relate to it so much.
this session is the best one yet as a hispanic eldest daughter myself, I noticed our culture instills this sense of doubt within its women and i feel is not addressed as much as it should be
She seems so damn wholesome and nice 😂 I hope her the best and that she eventually feels comfortable enough to just enjoy being herself and what she likes ❤
Okay editing this because the closing thoughts, although sort of unrelated, were also targeting me because whenever it comes to girls recently Ive become so nervous and unconfident that Ill just get rejected anyway or say something stupid or fumble my words that Ill be paralyzed or do nothing because Im an anxious wreck in that situation. All the way until Im in a social situation where Ive had some liquid confidence and then Ill talk to anyone 😂 but even then Im too scared to make a move or ask someone out!! But I think I just have to start eating the slice of pizza because ultimately it will not matter and everything carries on
i've heard about this method before in terms of inner child work, but the image of a cute guard doggo helps me so much more.
I identify a lot with this woman (being mexican and all too), always second guessing myself, always trying to make the BEST decision and being afraid of being fucking wrong.
And what also makes it really hard is being taught that we aren't allowed to ever be wrong about anything.
@@Cia_8 yeah like being wrong is somehow terrible, that’s paralyzing
@@JLchevz yeah exactly, inaction can feel like the safest option, but that can also leave us trapped or stuck in a situation.
You've just gained even more respect from me than you already had. You carry yourself in such a kind, attentive and encouraging way and you always find the right words to explain exactly what's going on. Those talking to you are pretty much guaranteed to leave feeling so much better about themselves.
The guard dog strategy actually sounds like smth I'd try etc hm. :) And I'm so insanely glad she came on
This was brilliant! Thank you for shedding light on our conditioning from this angle!
I am this woman. It's an exhausting way to go through life.
I have been struggling alot with this. I feel like an alien in everything. Im anxious in even the way i walk and place my arms
i get this a lot, especially the scenario of buying a shirt. i find myself not liking a shirt or not having an oppinion on it at all, but when someone else likes it i start liking it as well. idk if i just dont have any taste in fashion or if i need that same feedback of what is fashionable.
Man i have this problem about my performance. I always feel insecure if there no positive feedback from anyone. It could sometime lead to paranoia and risk ruining everything by snapping off. I don't know why i'm like this. This is why i can't form long term relationship 😔
That laugh is the pain and the happiness that finally someone is trying to help her
This is so heartwarming! 😭
Karen. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Much love and respect. ❤
Who would have thought that I would be learning about how to train my dog and why I feel this way in the same video 😆 I was condition to follow the rules while expecting to break them. You follow the rules and nothing good happen; You break the rule and bad things happen. You're doom if you do and you're doom if you don't and so you do nothing or rebel.
So happy to see this channel almost at 1 million subscribers 🙌🏽
Thank you this video helps me a lot.
Wow, really hit me when he talked about the rules changing and how it creates a cycle of insecurity instilled in doubt. 🤯
Thank you, Karen! ❤
How is it possible that some people can have big insight into their lives like her and others just don't see anything, even when they are destructive and hurting people around them (as oppose to this woman)? Like my mom who is horrible but slightest proposition that she could work on her impulses or rages or something just brings another terror into our lives and suffering....
It is weird how self aware and self reflective some people are, while others are blissfully ignorant. It's strange. I wish I knew why too.
It's called internalizing vs externalizing. Internalizers assume that they are the problem, so they spend a lot time examining everything they do and think. Externalizers always think the problem is someone else, so they have nothing to reflect on.
@@Kaeinlya Beautifully explained
It’s an OP stream when you relate and shed group happy tears
she is very inteligent and also she sounds like it❤
She seems so sweet and empathetic. Hope she's doing better.
You sir do really have a talent for explaining things! I am also a teacher so I can easily recognize it. Thank you for your work!
She seems like a really sweet girl. Hope she can get past the self-doubt!
I don't so much as need people to like me as much as I don't want them to be disrespectful and publicly humiliate me. Delt with that my whole life. Though when I do get along with people I tend to at times try to get or make sure they actually like me
I hate being wrong and I get super defensive if someone points out my mistake! I can’t peacefully say “yeah… I did it wrong”, bc I feel like they’re saying I’m not good enough, and I’m f*cking good, you know? I’m a great mom, my house is pretty clean, I try real hard, you better be praising me for what I do and not criticizing my tiny mistake! And if I wasn’t trying hard it’s still okay by me, I’d say that I always try hard and deserve a little rest. It is so important to me to be always right that I ditched a medical career, because I made a mistake and I couldn’t take responsibility for it. I mean, I admitted I did wrong. But in my mind I don’t think so. I made a mistake because it was my first month, I worked without a nurse and was overwhelmed. It was inevitable. Doctors make mistakes sooner or later. I’m still blaming myself, and I know I couldn’t handle another mistake like that. I worked 1 year and quit. I tried too hard not to make a mistake, it was too cumbersome that I decided to switch to another career. But now I’m just a stay at home mom, and I can freak out if my hubby points out I didn’t dry off spilled water. Not always, just after a bad day or such, but I’m really tired of this. I need to be praised for the stuff I do, like I praise him for being himself, which he takes for granted. And I don’t get that approval. I feel like a dry plant craving for water. I really don’t want to depend on anybody’s approval. I just want to be myself and let myself be imperfect. Otherwise I won’t be able to have any career at all.
Whoa. This just opened my eyes i never thought this could be my problem. my therapist is actually feeding me with what I wanna listen and evaluating me and am feeding her with money. Whoaaa
When I understood that too. I realised therapy was just a scam. I learned to listen to myself and talk to myself. It's free and who knows yourself better than you ?
I've never been to a real therapist, but I can see how it can be helpful and beneficial. The reason I don't see one is because at the moment what I need is someone to give me a second perspective on my goals and ideas. For me I am thankful for my parents for being around to help me with that.
However, I can see how a therapist could be helpful for someone who doesn't have that sort of support available.
Solving things on your own works if you are aware of the things you need to fix. But I think it's very difficult to be aware of something that you are not aware of.
I think a therapist would be good at helping one be more aware of problems that one may not notice.
Open to hearing ppl's ideas
@@bremolucleicoistri9842 I think this is a good way to see it. I’ve been able to work through my anxiety on my own because I generally have a decent idea of what the problem is, and I’m lucky enough to have the support and resources to help me work with myself. I have considered getting professional help in times when I really felt lost or stuck, which is when I think therapy would be most valuable (at least for me anyways, everyone is different).
@@Aeiouaaaaaaaaa Thanks for sharing the way you see it; I liked the way you put it.
@@lecomtedeneuch9994 Saying that therapy is a scam is actually the voice of your anxiety speaking through you. It's easier to say that it's a scam and counterproductive than to face up to your problems and fears.
I saw so much of myself in Karen. I’m really indecisive and I need approval from people that what I think and what I do is right. I get paralysed by many choices.
You should probably be therapist for Homelander that dude sure have approval problem
“I watch how they react to things i buy” whenever i do anything i reach for the action and based on their looks i judge what i do
"when u don't have faith in your own conclusions, your mind naturally goes to someone else"
I feel for her so much ❤️❤️❤️ So relatable 😔 And her username is so accurate for her situation
I've had a simmilar mindset (still do), but it was due to my father (great man btw), who always had a more "efficient" way to do something, meaning I did it wrong. It subconsiously paralized me. And after I had read black swan and antifragility by Nassim Taleb, I noticed the power, the information of mistakes. Since then I always try to intentionally make mistakes to see what will happen. Do my way of thinking has flaws? If has, how to correct them? If I make a mistake, will someone punish me for not doing it right? And after seeking failure I was shoked by how rare the real failure came. Still I face the same problem: need of someone who will say am I doing it right or not. I just substitute the image of my father by anyone who is giving me some task to do or simmilar (work, university). Thank you, and Karen for helping me find the root problem, but I feel like I could not grasp the solution enough and it will be forgotten soon :'/
I had an aunt that would give us kids the side eye when we did something “wrong” . Man. Years of trying to undo.