The Lies That Drive A Narcissist's Self-Talk
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- Опубліковано 1 лис 2023
- Narcissists, with their poor coping skills and lack of internal peace, resort to concocting Alternate Reality. That's a nice way of saying they lie easily. But before they lie to you, their self-talk is amazingly dishonest. Dr. C explains how this works and how you can see straight through it.
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The narcissist is the lie & literally everything that a narcissist thinks, says or does is about promotion of the false self, because without a mask to shield from shame the insecurity is terrifying
The monster is a lie Alfred Larry Boy and the Fib From Outer Space.
My spouse revealed his thoughts when our psychiatrist told him to write down his ruminations. ! Wow what an evil distorted mind set ! Dr. C what causes that?
This is exactly right, which it is impossible to have an authentic conversation based on truth.
What can I say to my daughter to make her realize she is being manipulated by a narcissism who she married
Our crazy Cousin comes to TOWN- wreak havoc; ruin Events; then goes home& we are stuck with AFTERMATH: chaos!
The narcissist finds meaning by demeaning you. They see people as being better or worse than others. There is always a pecking order and they need to put themselves above you.
One thing I find so odd about narcissists is they are constantly up for a fight with somebody - anybody - they are the soothsayers of doom, everything is going to bad and they want a war!
Short answer: They need the fight for getting supply (emotions) out of the reactions.
And yes, "they are the soothsayers of doom", well stated.
They are a chronic liar. Almost everything they say is a meaningless self-talk 😮 Don't take them seriously.
I noticed that with my dad and his second wife. They are so full of shit that it would be funny if it wasn't so destructive to everyone around them.
Dad's excuses don't fly with me. I wish he would stop lying to me. I can see through his "act"!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I can relate. Once I confrnted mine hard it just went full bizzaro land with him.
It was like he decided that there would be nothing too outrageous to claim after that.
"Puppet", "punching bag", "one false move", and "very limited" are right on target.
Narcissists self talk 24/7 =
internal + external monologues ÷ inflating ego + boosting mask
One narcissist in particular in my life is so positive and upbeat, embellishing everything going on in her life as though it is wonderful and perfect, but when anything has to do with me it's all silly and foolish. They do not respond to our lives but have everything to say about their own. They cannot be helpful to others because everything must elevate them and give them glory or it is not worth talking about. This narcissist is all about appearing perfect and happy she has nothing to say when we speak of our life experiences.
Some of them are like fake cheerleaders who have no clue that others see their fake emptiness. Don’t even waste a second telling them, it’s not worth the energy
They will always set you up to fail , no matter how you behave .
They're so competitive about the most petty things. Because they're so desperate to feel superiority, I guess? It's pathetic.
The four t's - Threat, toy, tool, trash. These sorts see people as these things. It's exhausting.
Spot on....sums up their thinking!
🎯🎯🎯🎯
5:40 My husband says this all the time... He tells other people that he just wants me to be happy, that I can have whatever I want, do whatever I want etc but when I want to do something he always tells me "You don't want to do that" 😖 The trouble is "flying monkeys" believe him and think I have a wonderful life and don't realise the sacrifices I've made.
Run run run. Get out. Don't make excuses. Don't be afraid.
The sad thing is that those LIES are served as eternal TRUTHS and many of their flying monkeys do believe every word they deliver... And they humiliate you over and over again in this case just by gaining other people's trust, admiration, empathy, etc using this self-talk full of lies.
It's really easy for other people especially if they are lazy or tired to buy into their rubbish.
People with cptsd can feel like they’re narcissistic because keeping secrets kept them safe, being skeptical kept them safe etc. this stuff is so complex it’s huge
" You keep secrets because you are a liar" Love this one
100% paranoid. How many times I’ve heard him say “you’re always against me or you’re never on my side” if I didn’t agree with him 100%. And no way would I pretend to agree with him because he was living in an alternate reality and I would not play along. And then the rage would ensue. Rinse, wash, repeat. Too many years this went on.
Yep. They must be willing to admit they have an issue in order to be healed, and they generally won't acknowledge it. It is a viscious, damaging, and unnecessary cycle. They don't realize they only hurt themselves in the long run.
One time the narc was having a big whinge about how someone else was in a grumpy mood and I said "maybe they had a bad day at work" oh boy, I got yelled at for taking other people's sides and also told that he hated that I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because it encouraged me to look at situations from different angles. Haha.
That statement at the beginning..."if I make you miserable enough then you'll stop being you"...geez...every dang day.
That is the line that gave me the creeps. I didn't want to stop being me.
In our workplace we say that we get beat down so far that we are grateful for any positive behavior. Which isn’t much.
Sometimes there's no nice way to ask a person to stop acting inappropriate.
mmm, i appreciate the clarity of this statement i waste so much time trying to figure out how to get them to act appropriately but not anger them so they act worse so exhausting
Mine will keep "confidences" to "protect" me. It gives him power to have information over me that apparently I'm not able to handle. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
They are masters at rationalization!
They read into you all sorts of motives so they can blame you.
"I just want everyone to be happy" If I'm happy, I won't make your life miserable!
watching their self destruction is so difficult.
Yes, because it takes so long to happen.
No, because we want them to have and live a better life!@@bobtaylor170
They're always the victim. They're experts about turning it all around.
The paranoia is so true!! My narc sister once told our brothers now wife that I am her mortal enemy and anyone who is has me in their life is against her too. Then the next day that sister texted me wondering why I hate her so much and to never contact her (I didn't contact her for anything anyways for over a year). Just really strange behavior.
It is so strange to watch these videos knowing that these are typical traits but they feel like a storybook about the narcissist in my life.
A few days before the wedding I found my son crying and he said I don’t know what I’ll do if my mom and wife don’t get along. I knew what he would have to do and so I watched every word I said. I pretended to not get her nasty comments, I complimented her, I agreed with her, I followed her long lists of rules for babysitting. But 18 years later I said something that she used against me. Unbelievably after that my husband and I couldn’t say anything right. My husband and I are now alienated from them and their children, except we are in business together. She has turned our son against our entire family. Because we live in a small town they walk away, their children ignore cousins at school. It is just incomprehensible to us - how did this happen, how at the age of 40 years could our son turn against us? I want to shut down the business, retire - but my husband is hopeful that our son will “see the light”. He is now treating us the same, disrespectful, nasty comments or no response at all. We have been in counseling off and on for 5 years and are better- I think not seeing them on a regular basis would help.
1. Self-admiration
2. Self-critisism
3. Rehearse and refine manipulations
4. Reinforcing beliefs
5. Coping with critisism
6. Self-importance reminder
7. Fantasizing
8. Mumbling
1. They praise themselves for their achievements, intelligence etc. This reinforces their grandiose self-image and helps maintain their self-esteem.
2. They indulge in self-criticism, serving as an opportunity to garner sympathy and compliments from others.
3. They employ manipulative tactics in their interactions. Self-talk becomes a rehearsal space where they refine their manipulative strategies, ensuring they come across as charming and persuasive.
4. They use self-talk to reaffirm their beliefs in their superiority and entitlement. This inner monologue bolsters their ego and justifies their actions.
5. When faced with criticism or rejection, they may turn to self-talk as a coping mechanism. They use it to convince themselves that they are faultless and that the criticism is unwarranted.
6. Self-talk serves as a tool to remind themselves of their self-importance when external sources of admiration are lacking.
7. They use self-talk to immerse themselves in the fantasy of power and magical thinking, feeding their ego and escaping from reality.
8. Some engage in what can be described as "mumbling.” This involves muttering self-praising statements under their breath, often in the presence of others. It’s a subtle manipulation tactic to draw attention and admiration.
You're on it, Roxy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks, Dr Carter. I admit that I did some research on this subject of Narcissistic self-talk for my curiosity was too strong, haha.
But I am also still very curious how your approach will look like 😊
It has been entertaining, in my life, to notice how different narcissists will come up with the same tactic (One said I was his best friend when he barely knew me. Another said he loved me like a brother.) Also, how one in particular had a tactic that he had used throughout his life (It took me decades to catch on to what he was doing. What I call "false assertions of solidarity", where he'd utter a half truth/statement/cliff hanger, so people would assume he was in agreement on an issue, when he wasn't. He felt our pain, he misled, as a way of getting us to later abandon our beliefs.)
I really appreciate when you do this roxy. I use it while I try to journal. Thank you. ❤❤❤❤😁😁😎😎
This is great 👍🏽💯💝
Narcissist can be a total stranger in the supreme position of superiority over everyone beneath them.
How do they project their worst traits onto you when you have the opposite characteristics? It's so confusing. For instance, I was forever apologising for any little thing I did wrong and any mistake, as well as apologising when I didn't need to, just because they were upset. But their accusation was, through others, "She never takes responsibility!"
They want you to take the world on your shoulders. Including all their faults. If you don’t, they retaliate. Truly immature behavior. And dangerous. And …
3:20 Exactly! Mine destroyed something we used daily. I sent him to the store to buy a replacement. Because the item was custom made, the usual replacement would not work, so I gave him very detailed, specific information on what to purchase. He went to the store, and deliberately bought exactly what I told him would not work. When I asked him why he did that, he said he thought I set him up to get the wrong thing so he’d be in trouble. Why did he think that? “Other people have done that to me.” I asked, “Have I ever, in 20 years, done that to you?” His answer: “No, but you might!” I had been treating him with nothing but kindness for over two decades, and still not trusted… 🤦🏻♀️
They don’t make toilets big enough to flush the big turds. It’s been 40 and my turd says things like “I don’t know where you are getting yours, I might as well go out and get me some somewhere else”. We can’t go to the beach the pipes might freeze. We can’t get new Capet because I’ll just walk on them again with my hunting boots and destroy them again”. People that come into my house takes off their shoes, it’s always been the rule. Except for him because he has no rules. Or he’ll take them off at the door and let the mud and muck dry then go sit on the couch to put them back on.
This described my ex to a T! Every time he opened his mouth, it was a version of one of these lies. He was (and still is) incredibly unstable. And since I figured out that he's a narcissist, his volatility has skyrocketed. And he has a new lie that he tells himself... That I am somehow contacting him, and he keeps contacting ME to tell me to stop contacting HIM. And yet, I have not spoken a single word to him in over a month. But he still thinks he is perfectly sane and rational.
Narcissism is the foundational personality building block of cults which always end tragically but with a sigh of relief only to happen again.
If you keep lying to yourself long enough, you start believing your own lies and create a false alternate reality in which you act as the Creator of the reality which suits your blurred vision of the world. Narcisists are blind and demand others to follow in their footsteps. The list of lies they tell themselves which you have so clearly explained dr Carter is Spot on. Thank you for your invaluable help and support. God bless you❤
The Narc that thinks of life as a game of survival will talk to themselves as they go about the job of humiliating others. In their mind, it is their fate that they have to behave this way.
This should be interesting. I think my ex narc has fantasized quite a life he thinks he's lived. Why he can't accept his own failings baffles me.
They like to believe they are "happy" people with big hearts. How can you have a big heart if you have no empathy ???
Narcissists think, do and say many unbelievable, absurd things. And there it is.
Wonder what "Gus" dreams about. Catching a squirrel
Thank you so much Dr. C. Now I finally understand where my husband gets the idea that I can't handle things and that I wouldn't understand things he might tell me about. So instead of talking to me, he tells all our business to his 'friends' and tells them that he 'can't' talk to me because I wouldn't understand! What an a**! 😡
I had an unexpected encounter recently. Narcissists never changed even after 20+ years later! I realize she worked in the same building I was employed in decades ago. She tried to gather data by asking me questions who I worked with before. Grey rock method helped me. I told her nothing about my life after leaving that toxic job. She mostly talked about herself. (Sounds familiar) 🙈 She and her dear friend never understood the pain I went through with a former overt/covert boss. Thanks to your channel Dr C I can walk away from her holding my head up high. Coming up to 3 years since I found your channel. I’m learning how to handle awkward encounters like these the DRC way. With much gratitude Dr C for your videos, books and podcasts🙏…and sleepy Gus too!🐕🐾😍😴
I got angry because of you is a long time narcissistic abuse tactic where they use you as a punch bag and they blame it on to you. The worst part is, they have a right to their anger, but you don't.
This is all so true.
Some of them constantly try to reiterate what is or has been said in conversations (like they are studying you )and now reflecting back at you but like they ARE you. ( almost they are playing a part in a freaky movie)
It's highly creepy especially when done around others you care about.
In essance , they are twisting you into their mold using your own words back at you, and seem to enjoy humiliating you and others with this creepy parroting act.
I have noticed this is common in narcissists who want to impress others by trying to reveal how well they know and care about you but
It is an act. It is like gossiping with you and about you to your face to others.
It also gets the focus off themselves in social settings.
It can damage relationahips, too because they are unpredictable and have unhealthy boundaries regarding privacy issues .
The wise thing when you figure this out is at this point is to NOT go anywhere with them that you feel is important i. e. work related etc.
Once something is said or revealed incorrectly about you or your private life, it is almost impossible to correct later.
Dont forget, lies can sometime hide in jest, and these narcs are clever jokers.
🙏
Thanks for posting this information. Its certainly something to listen to several times.
🙏
A narc will talk to you all day about themselves. I've seen mine call one person after another hoping for a willing audience.
Yes, you are absolutely right. It is an endless monologue without anybody than himself. 🥱
I really need to hear this today. I have been separated from my narcissistic husband for three years and started dating casually. I met someone this summer and I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, but a lot of this relates to his behaviour. More specifically, being distrustful of others and approaching others with suspicion and as if they are out to do them harm.
Recently he injured himself and refused to see a doctor (there’s universal healthcare in our country) and I followed up with him a few times to find out how he was doing and he maintained that it was unnecessary to see a doctor. Anyway, it was a busy weekday for me and I didn’t speak to him and he didn’t contact me, which wasn’t unusual. Then out of nowhere he sent me a passive aggressive text a week later saying that he figured I ghosted him and that he was doing fine and that he was just letting me know even though I didn’t ask. Long story short, I followed up with two texts and two phone messages and he did not answer. Then he text saying he didn’t actually believe I ghosted him but that it didn’t feel good that I hadn’t followed up with him throughout the week. So I made a final call, which he didn’t answer. I sent a final text explaining that I didn’t realize he was expecting me to call him throughout the week and that he could also have called me if he wanted to speak and that I just thought he was busy with work and that I was respecting his space. Long story short, that was the end of if.
It sounds like you're trusting your gut. You've had a lucky escape!
He set you up to fail his needs ,which is narc behaviour , good you got out .
You handled this like a boss. Narc or not, the man has an unhealthy way of carrying out a relationship, he displays neediness and manipulation. Leave well alone, you are worth much better and your time will come. All the best.
@@valerieh84 Well said 👏
I'm so relieved that your proof to me that going forward I won't be so nieve. Maybe we will both get to the point where when someone is refusing to get the care of a doctor initially will be the walking away point. Not the resulting drama of needing you to nurse them, so it becomes your fault their suffering. That's the job of a parent to a child. Well done you. X
So cool to learn how these “people” think. I wish they knew genuine truth.
This is so spot on! My ex has most of this characteristics. Had I stayed longer with him, I would have seen 100% of what was described in the video. Luckily it was a two month relationship.
I have 8 or 9 favorite channels on narcissism as a way of coping, but you are on the very top of my list!! This live really resonates with me, too. Thank you for all your amazing information on here Dr. Les! God bless you for being here and helping others. I hope you and your family are well.
🤗 ❤️🙏
Thanks so much...that means a lot to me.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I second that, you have hit the subtle details that get into the heads of the narcissist that make me go "that is too damn real". I was never able to put words to it, but your descriptions are so spot on, especially the stuff that resonates with the covert - its hard to put a finger on what they're doing and why but you shed light on that shrouded control. Thank you!
I also recommend Daniel Mackler. Not about that particular word and he doesn't like to use it often, but it is about healing from trauma especially from the many colors of familial abuse.
Excellent video, thank you! Today is the 5th anniversary of my marriage. He moved out a few months ago. Though i was devastated in the beginning because it was so sudden, counseling showed me that he is a narcissist. He created a big lie about me and repeated it for 3 years. I just texted him and said " happy anniversary 😅😢😂" he texted back that he never wanted a divorce. He said what he meant when he said he was leaving was that he needed a few hours away from me, because i had called him a liar! Of course i called him a liar anytime he spewed out the "big lie". He saw the counselor 2 or 3 times ( one time he walked out). The counselor shared with me that he is probably delusional and has told himself this story so may times he actually believes it. I feel so bad for people who have spent many years trying to figure out what they have done wrong.
Sounds like your counselor has it figured out. Best wishes to you.
Yes thank you exactly what I'm dealing with. However, im too busy trying to find myself again to really care anymore
Wow when you said you are in charge of calming the chaos in me!! That is what I’ve been going through. Finally words to my feelings. Thank you
Glad it resonated!!
You got to the core of being in a relationship with an sadly ill partner. No amount of love or care or proof can stop the mentality. They've spent their whole lives proving to themselves that their right. It caused my husband to be cranky, cruel and mean. Once I stopped trying and got away, I saw him relax into the facade I met when I fell in love with him. The man he shows the world is not a reflection of the horror he has to deal with. I don't think anyone with these issues can be in any form of relationship. I feel from now that the only solution is to get help to heal and recover. Also because I did love and care about him, being with him was triggering deep levels of malicious in him. It was a painful learning curve that took 11 years before I ended it. Giving up was the kindest thing I did for both of us. Thank you for helping me understand him and myself. Its a lesson I need to learn. ❤
Dr. Carter, this lecture was truly helpful, one of your best, "finding their meaning through demeaning you" rings in my ears. It is such a brilliant description of narcissistic behavior. I realised a year ago, that my narc friend was so adept at games of manipulation, lying and demeaning , that I could no longer remain in such a losing proposition of a friendship. I don't want to get to be good at those vicious games. My life has improved greatly from what I learned in my watching of your videos and others and reflecting on the narcissism earlier in my life that harmed me. I've been healing a lot. Thanks for your divine work. I appreciate you so much.
You are quite welcome.
You won that vicious game the minute you stopped playing. They'll find someone else to play with. You got your "get out of jail free", pass. Yeaaaa
Another response to the lies might be: "look in the mirror when you say '
Really tho', the internal dialog thing is so important.
This is so enlightening. They DO act at least a covert vulnerable narc in my fam as I'd they want you to be happy but the translation is they want everything to be how they want. It's a con, a pretence, everything they've done is to make themselves have the world view that they want!
That is it in a nutshell.....compliance quells their inner chaos. That makes sense as to why every little difference became such an major issue. Thanks Dr C 🐶⚘
I work as a behavioral interventionist who works primarily with autistic children. Guess what. My case supervisor, CS in our terminology, is an open narcissist who meets every one of the characteristics mentioned above by Doctor Carter. Is this a precedent or are there a lot of narcissists in the field of Applied Behavioral Analysis? I feel like I am the only one with pure compassion and love in this field as an authentic person.
Matthew 24:4
And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
Hence why its written take heed that no man deceive you.
Basically, they like love the sound of their own voices. Blah blah blah 😍Aren't I amazing...blah blah blah 🙄
Amanda, I so had to laugh while reading your comment 😂🤣
The Sociopath confessed me to have trained his voice for improvement for years. He even was surprised that I had not done such a training 😄😁
Oh my goodness. So he had been taught himself to insult you in a 'proper manner'?
My ex's laugh used to actually sound like the word guffaw.
'Guffaw, Guffaw, Guffaw' 🙄 Who does that? ❤️🙏😊
Exactly.
@@amandaliverpool3374 When I asked him, "Why should I train my voice? I like my voice and people can understand me. Okay, sometimes it happens on the phone people might think I am a man because I have a deep voice but I like having a deep voice." His answer on that was a passive-aggressive grunting like a 🐷. Insulting me in a propper way? He was constantly insulting me but I was totally not aware of it. Only in the aftermath I can see all these "little cuts". He was a master of the hot-cold play. Already during the love bombing and I can now see it as a mean and sadistic play.
Laughing like "guffaw guffaw guffaw" 🤣
Was he imitating an animal? 😂
🤗❤🙏
@roxymovie3938 It seems like the classic belittling you to big himself up. Nobody else saw anything wrong with your voice. At the end of the day, it wasn't about the voice it was jealousy of YOU. He was never happy about himself and was trying to change. He projected this onto you.
Luckily, with the knowledge and hindsight we have now. We can totally see what sad individuals they really are.
All we want is to be ourselves and not what others want us to be 🤗
The Guffawing, with the snort, did sound animal like 🐷 I prefer an old fashioned belly laugh 😃 😁🤣🤪🤗
Loved this Dr.C. I had a good laugh, and it drove away the blues from caring for the toxic oldest sibling who has driven away the grim reaper many a time. Had me wondering what devious plan was afoot to put me six feet under to join the ranks of my brother and sister, long despatched due to the convoluted schemes of this foul Machiavelli. The schemes worked, the family was torn asunder. I still don't know how so many people missed the elephant in the room. Namaste.
i expressed my emotions to the narcissistic person tonight... i feel less nervous energy in my body but ideally i would not interact with them at all... working towards that but its difficult bc i feel so defeated in this environment... like my signals are scrambled and i feel the transferred shame and rage... i think i was wayyyy to confident that i could keep my shields up and not absorb this stomach turning energy i feel especially grateful for Team Healthy tonight... thank you, Dr. C and community for being safe and sane and here
Thank you SO much for these presentations! Before I found these videos several months ago, I literally thought I'd go crazy trying to understand the strange behavior of these people. I deal with about half a dozen in my life, so it's a challenge. One or two are neurotic, several are sociopaths , and one seems to be a full-blown psychopath. They all show the various characteristics you've described in varying degrees. They're all family members, so when the family comes together, it gets quite chaotic. Oh boy, does it ever! I'm an introvert, so when that occurs I retreat even further, sit and watch the show!
A person that I know uttered the phrase “I just want everyone to be happy” a few months ago and found it to be an odd statement. These videos are insightful. But it is frightening how predictable narcissists can be.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You have provided so much knowledge on the topic. Always look forward to your next video.
They want other people to be happy about them no matter what they do 🙄
I find MEANING as I DEMEAN you..... Dr. Carter. I thank you!! The cumulative effect of watching you videos is invaluable!!!! We need you!!!!
Wierd and funny how they want you to calm down their inner chaos but they see you as an idiot - makes no sense 😅😅😅
Doesn’t a truly idiotic person worsen a person’s inner chaos ?
You just entered THE TWILIGHT ZONE (the narcissist’s alternate reality) - doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo !
It makes no sense because they think ilogic and the confusion is because we think logic which makes no sense to them, logic, isn't it 😄😁
Thank you Dr. C
Dignity
Respect
Civility
The trouble with self-talk lies, is that an external source of truth isn’t believed. If I’m fully convinced of something, it would be nearly impossible to convince me otherwise. But I have that ability to consider a “what if?” that allows for the “nearly” mentioned above.
Excited for this one, as well.
Well stated, Aaron
@SurvivingNarcissism Are they self aware?
That’s the truth!
I was talking to someone on UA-cam,that I want to see again. The person also wants to see me again . Then the female narcissist ,butted into the conversation.
“Putting you in charge of fixing …”. My CN puts me in charge of such ‘fixing’ and also, I have asked her to correct the pain because she causes it (am I putting her in charge as if I’m the narc?). For what it’s worth, CN is totally incapable of all or ANY of the empathetic niceties and I’ve quit ‘looking’ for evidence of her actually caring for me. And I do believe, as you often say, that she ONLY does things she wants to do or have a direct benefit to her … Bottom line is that we’re negotiating final divorce settlement. Still sleeping separately in same house but being a ‘grey rock’, it doesn’t seem to bother me. She did try and use MY empathy against me by asking for a bigger piece of the financial pie in divorce (more than she was entitled to get) and I told her clearly and without emotion “to never use my empathy against me” at this point. It’s a boundary and what got me into this mess in the first place!
you are going to feel so much better soon! good for you for protecting your well being and divorcing!
My notes (edited transcript):
0:41 When it comes down to it, people would come into my office and the gist of what we would attempt to do, as we would walk through the therapeutic process, is talk about how to manage conflict. That's what causes so much of the strain and stress and tension and anxiety that that would drive people into the therapy office. I would make a very strong distinction between the concept of self-preservation in those moments of conflict versus just raw selfishness. There is a very strong difference between the two. Healthy self-preservation is when you stand up for legitimate needs or concerns or convictions and you want to do so in such a way that allows the other individual to be who they are and you respect them. Narcissists, though, don't have that conception whatsoever. They just come at you with raw selfishness. “There's my needs and my preferences and my convictions and frankly I don't really care about you.” They constantly invalidate you as a way of proving to themselves how necessary they are. That's not a very bright way to do life. Nonetheless, that's part of the pattern of life that they are stuck in.
2:10 I want to talk with you about some of the lies that they tell themselves as they try to concoct this alternate reality. But first, I want to run through five points about what that alternate reality is all about.
2:22 First, let's recognize that when narcissists feel the need to have an alternate reality of “I'm the best; you're not. I'm the standard bearer. You need my enlightenment.”, let's recognize that this is a strong defense mechanism. These individuals are wounded souls. They come at you with their shield already up. Their defenses are strong and thick and virtually impenetrable.
3:09 A second thing to understand is that the narcissist, with their alternate reality, can be steeped in paranoia. “Somewhere along the way you're going to show me that you're against me and you're out to make my life miserable.” As a result, they read into you all sorts of motives that reinforce that paranoia even though there's no evidence that would support that.
3:39 A third part of their alternate reality is that they are driven by pessimism. They can take positive characteristics about the world in front of them or about you and turn it into problems. “People like you, but they don't know you like I do.” They'll take something good and turn it into something negative. That's their pessimism. They can't be optimistic regarding you.
4:13 A fourth thing that about their alternate reality is they've decided that humiliation and degradation is a real good go-to motivation for you. “If I can belittle you enough, if I can tell you how awful you are, then maybe you'll quit being you and then you can decide to join my team.”
4:40 A fifth thing for us to understand about their alternate reality is that these are individuals who don't understand love. They filter their life so much through that pessimism that the kindness and the patience and the goodness and the decency that's part of the pattern of love is just lost on them.
5:04 These individuals have developed a self talk that reflects the pervasiveness of their alternate reality. That's a nice way of saying they lied to themselves a lot. I want to run through some of the lies that they tell themselves as they concoct their alternate reality because it has major implications with respect to what they think about you and then how you're going to respond to them.
5:32 One of the first lies that they'll tell themselves is, “I just want everyone to be happy.” Actually, that's not true at all. What they are really looking for is dominance. They’re not looking for other people's happiness, they’re trying to figure out how they can be the power broker. When that happens, they’re happy, at least in the moment.
5:59 Another lie that they tell is, “You would be a better person if you would just follow my lead.” My response to that is, “No, basically what you're asking is for me to become your puppet or perhaps even your punching bag.”
6:22 Another lie that they tell themselves, and it comes through in their interaction with you, is, “If I get angry, it's your fault.” My reaction to that is, “No, actually you're a walking time bomb. You have this chronic tension on the inside. One false move from another person is going to reveal that anger. The anger is already inside of you. It was there before I ever showed up.”
6:53 Another lie, and given everything I've already said up to this point this is an eye roller; another lie they'll tell themselves is that other people are too negative. It's like, “No, by definition, you're the one that has negativity. What you mean is that other people are not complying with you and you interpret that as them being negative.
7:23 Another lie that they'll tell themselves is, “I'm not really all that controlling. You are, but I'm not.” My response to that is, “No, you're controlling all right, as evidenced by your chronic negativity and advice that nobody wanted or asked for.”
7:44 Another lie that they'll tell themselves is, “The only reason I keep secrets is because you can't handle the truth.” My response to that is, “No, you keep secrets because you're a liar. You keep secrets because you have conniving schemes that you don't want other people to hold you accountable for.” (MY NOTE: “You keep secrets because YOU can’t handle the truth about who you really are.”)
8:13 Another of their lies that they tell themselves is, “If you get to know me, I'm very good at the heart level.” (MY NOTE: !!!!!!!!!!) My thinking is, “No, sometimes you may show up with a few things that seem nice, but even then they tend to have a hook on the back side. Where's that goodness when it when it's required the most, in the presence of differences or conflicts. Are you good in those moments? That's when we really get to see who you are and of course your ‘goodness’ goes flying out the window.”
8:50 Another lie that they tell themselves is, “If you would just cooperate with me, you would find that I'm a very fair-minded person.” My response there is, “No, when you say that you're a fair-minded person, you're also implying you need my subordination and that doesn't match.” So, again, it's dishonest.
9:16 Without their ability to love and without healthy coping skills, narcissists find their own personal meaning by demeaning you. “I find meaning as I demean you.” (MY NOTE: This is mind-boggling. Yet, clearly the way they actually feel.) That makes no sense. So even as they lie to themselves about how reasonable they are. they constantly give evidences to the contrary. For example, that anger that they carry doesn't say that they're in a healthy place. The fact that they go straight into the contempt mode or that they have a long memory about your faults, they are pathologically incapable of empathizing with you, they don't really want to know who you are, all of that implies that pessimism and negativity is on the inside. With all of their lies, that they first tell to themselves, they are projecting their own unfinished business onto you. Their message when they are in this lying mode, this alternate reality is, “I'm putting you in charge of doing whatever is necessary to calm the chaos inside me.” Did you hear that? That's pretty absurd.
10:49 My response to that is, “I'm sorry you're in so much psychological pain but if you refuse to be honest about who you are, about your real self, I'm very limited in my ability to pull you out of your spin cycle.”
12:28 Unfortunately, when narcissists say you can't handle the truth, they are projecting. They can't handle the truth. Their life is built upon an alternate reality. (MY NOTE: We see them as living inside an alternate reality bubble and we will no longer enter that bubble.) I hope that you can see it for what it is and you can sidestep their invitation to enter into their chaos. In the process, I'm hoping it allows you to find peace that they're not going to be able to find.
(MY NOTE: Just because they act like they believe their own lies is NO REASON to believe in the lies yourself.)
Exhausting. Way too much negativity and drama ( and projection!)
One thing that I dont understand about narcissists is that with my ex narcissist friend who wanted to coerce me into sleeping w him is that, he would show pity for me and criticize others who hurt me and then ended up having the exact same attributes as the same people he criticized? For example he would talk bad about my ex who cheated on me all the while he sees women as objects and wanted to have more than 1 gf at once in a dishonest way. He says its weird for men to control women all the while he tried to tame me as if I am a dog? How can he be so self aware yet unaware at the same time?
If a man's presence in my life brings more stress than peace, I don't need him. Two years ago I left my religious grandiose abusive narc (that I met in church) and our toxic marriage of 17 months. Now divorced with no desire to date. I am still healing from the trauma bond. Dr. C has been the biggest part of my healing process to help me understand what a narc is and that I was never the problem. I am so very thankful that I am saved and washed in the blood by my Lord Jesus Christ who carried me through it all. Dr. C has a video on the religious narc and that helped me also. My ex-narc has everyone fooled. Thank you Dr. C for your help! Hi Gus!
You are quite welcome. Be you! And Gus says woof!
More great insights Dr. Carter. 🖖🏻🖖🏻🙋♂🙋♂
Pleased!
I love Gus too! 🐾🐾🐕🐕 @@SurvivingNarcissism
I still think I am the one Dr. Carter followed around and got his material for these video's. 🙃😂 OK, silly effort at some humor today.
On some level somewhere in my subconscious or vague consciousness, I knew that everything that Dr. Carter is saying was happening to me. But then, I would think, "Who am I to question these wonderful, smart, well traveled, well educated people??" So many lies and covert insults for years and I became a shell. I was nobody. I am clawing my way back to the human being full of life whom God created. It is not easy after decades of the madness of living with narcs. But if am still here and breathing at 73 years of age, then there must be a reason. I have had quite a few people tell me that with all I have endured that it is surprising I am not dead. But if I still breathe and can read and listen, then I must still grow. Not trying to bring politics into this other than the age of those top runners for president. However, if those elderly men can take on what they are.....in politics running for the highest office of the land... then I can continue to learn and make positive changes in my life.
Trust yourself!!
I used the term, "he erased me from my own map" 26 years ago when I had been with the N for 22 years and I was a shell. I stayed a full 28 years before I was just DONE, and he found a younger model and I was free at 50. Freedom was so very sweet and rediscovering me- a laughing and joy-filled person - if only for the fact that each day I awoke without the certainty of disappointing someone that day....was bliss!
I loved reading your post! It is so encouraging. Thanks for sharing. @@supplynomore6471
Another excellent presentation. Each video and podcast you produce helps my ability to face and support an elderly parent and detach from the various harmful “bricks” thrown. Thank you! It is my lot in life to face and support my elderly parent no matter the emotional cost. It does take some inner strength and your allowing me to see it for what it is and what it is not (i am starting to shed a life full of many criticisms)
Need to give them a supply of that bubblegum called Love is. Won't work but still a funny way to teach people about love - often comes to my mind when DrC says narcs don't know what love is.
We just give love, not demand.
The narcissist thinks that(my dad, in this case) he matters the most; that he is so popular and that his time matters more than other people(me) time. On top of that. He can't do the basics. And has excuses for not doing those. Pathetic father!
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. Believe nothing you hear and very, very little of what you see.
Glad I am in charge of just me.
I watched this video over & over...Great information...as healing progresses, these videos are so helpful in reinforcing this journey. Dr. Carter Thank you for Everything!!!
One of the narcissists in my life is a religious narcissist and she uses Scripture *out of context* to try to establish authority. For example, “well you haven’t ‘renewed your mind’ like I have.” She follows groups like NAR (New Apostolic Reformation) that always claims new prophetic knowledge. It puts her in a place of having special knowledge that she wants the rest of us to come to her for enlightenment. She hears from God through her prophets and if we question their validity then we are opposed to God.
It’s lose-lose.
Great perspective on narcissism! 👍✨️
Glad you enjoyed it.
One of the ways I know someone is unhinged is when they can get SO mad SO quickly. That is
It's such a give-away. The fact they will not listen to input shows so much of their insecurities,
they are so afraid you can be right which in their twisted mind means they are wrong, they just
can't deal with it. yes the narc really is in a 'spin' spinning around like a child's toy.
I’m separated from my husband 3 years too(18 years!). I have a boyfriend who is soooo the opposite of my ex. There is NO drama now. No criticism, no clown show activity.
Other than my boyfriend burping and not cleaning as much as I do( guys😂)- this is the most peaceful I have ever been. I’m 45, my father is a Narc and so is my older sister. My mother kind of ignores everything and is always too “busy”.
Every time my pre-teen kids how to dads house there is drama and chaos. Never at my house. I love that they are old enough now to SEE and feel how peaceful my place is as a complete contradiction to what my husband told them- that I am a horrible mother. The ex and his mother always ask the kids how I am doing and seem to be looking for some THING that implies that me and my boyfriend are fighting or some drama. I never fight with my boyfriend. 3 years and not one fight. No drama.
Narcissists truly can not stand that you are actually happy and at peace without them. 😊❤
It's great when you finally get to experience the better alternative!!
You are fantastic Dr. C!
Thank you.
Wonder thank you 😊 we are all a working progress ❤
Thank you so much for all that you do for this community and for the awareness that you bring regarding the mini nuances and challenges of navigating life from these manipulative individuals.
Constant invalidation often guised as advice in the form of suggestions, links, products you should use or get. In other words: “You’re doing it wrong”
And by “it” they do mean everything
That made me chuckle. Keep leaning forward!
@@SurvivingNarcissism ❤️✨🙏🏾
Dr Carter, thank you for another video that I needed to hear. The cumulative knowledge you’ve given me has changed so much of my perspective on life for the better. You are a blessing!
You are so welcome. Thanks for your encouraging words.
A female narcissist,admitted she thinks she's better than everyone,she's special ,everyone else is jealous ,crazy , a psychopath,etc ... She thinks ,my soulmate ,is her soulmate ,she won't stop posting comments ,on my soulmate 's band's UA-cam channel.
BINGO. My soon to be ex-husband says the ending of our 37 year marriage is my fault, and that he could have handled things better. ?????
This "face-saving" comment emanates from his weak ego.
This one is brilliant. That last response is so helpful. I need this on repeat!!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you Dr. Carter. I needed to hear this one tonight.
❤❤❤❤. THANK YOU. DEAR SIR. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU..❤❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
You are very welcome!
Thanks indeed very good information 🙂
This all sounds so much like neurological disfunction when a person is sick with infections like lyme disease, bartonella, babesia or others. Please look intothat.
👍👍 thanks again . Hope you are ok sir
this is so relative for this time in USA.
Dr. C. You're discribing my husband to a T. I have stumbled once on him, once, as he was hugging himself and telling himself : " good job! " Here's another example of his self love: when it's his birthday, and someone tells him happy birthday, he'll answer: " you're welcome!" !!! Isn't that pathetic?
"other people's happiness"
When I was working for my last home care client, the guy would always get QUICKLY ANNOYED anytime I was smiling or laughing. I saw it as my job in life to bring some light into other people's lives, but this guy was not "happy" unless everyone around him was AS MISERBLE AS HE WAS!
...and his younger partner had clearly decided the only way for him to get along was to GO ALONG with the older guy's angry lunatic outbursts.
I love your pause before saying “of peace“ at the end 😊