8 Ways A Narcissist's Instability Will Alter Your Life
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- Unwilling to take responsibility for their humanity, narcissists gaslight and project their problems outward, perpetuating bad relationship habits. Then, over time, it's possible for you to be pulled into their dysfunctions. But, the narcissist's instability does not have to define you. Dr. Les Carter highlights 8 of the most common unstable patterns with narcissists, then explains how you can remain steady and healthy.
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“They will lead you straight into the ditch and then blame you for being in the ditch.” You nailed it, Dr. C. Dealing with the limitations of that stony mindset, while struggling to stay out of the ditch, is exhausting.
Imagine taking them out of the ditch makes you end up in the DITCH of all Ditches.
Variation. They toss themselves into the ditch and blame you for not stopping them. As if you could...
You fill the ditch up with dirt and fix the ditch and the narc complains that you left them in the bottom of the ditch that they dug for you.
Yes he nailed it. Even made me laugh on that one because it is so true.
Nailed it!
“They have NO ABILITY to accept your humanity”
This statement is all encompassing. It’s what makes them dangerous to the people around them. Mind blowing statement.
Discovery leads to recovery. Through many tears and gradual healing of all the places in oneself that were burned and shocked by the intentional words & actions of
It's also is proof of their delusions that they are "God's or goddesses". When reality is theydisplay no love in any way,shape, or form. So the fact is they are even less than human, they are sub human.
We all know to that when they see this statement they will say something like "see he is calling me names and shaming me, I'm justified in hurting him". No, no you pathetic narcs you are below us humans and Godly people. You have no right to do anything negative to any of us and hurt our lives. Just like the name of this 4 legged friend sitting next to me, he is what we call a dog. Therefor what YOU sub humans are, we call narcs. Be good to others and you can then be called what WE are, humans. Pretty simple and not complicated at all. As you all can tell, if I didn't have such a strong and good heart and soul the narcs in my life would have taken me out of this world already
Don't forget, a narcissist needs complete control. Money is important. They don't want you to have a retirement of your own, credit cards of your own etc.
If you are not careful you will end up living on social security after years of putting money away.
Thank you, Steve! It is important for us to be aware of this.
After 17 years of working/saving/investment into a business dreamt up by the person, left with less money than 17 years ago (that will need to be divided in half). Due to the aftereffects of covid the business and assets are basically worthless. "Love" is blind.
Steve I'm going through all of those problems right now.my husband is a covert narc. I'm married to him for 15 yrs.he fired from his job 10 yrs ago,on disability for 5yrs now.Its really hard to get out. I pray all the time for wisdom to get out,but not sure where to start.
@@kathleenbristol6747 Kathleen, my best wishes to you. Start by just getting out. It never gets better. Get out, get your life back. All I can say. It's not easy. It's hard work and trauma. But you can make it.
Any time you want to talk I will listen. It's hard. God knows. But you can do it.
Financial harm. Guaranteed.
Absolutely, still digging out & recovering from.
Yes
Can confirm.
Can confirm
Definitely can confirm
At first, my narcissist was very supportive of my successes until I overshadowed him, then hell reigned down on me from him. From then on he did everything to cut me down and make me feel miserable and worthless.
Getting way from him has been priceless.
The Narc brother ridiculed my education because I went further than him.
Same here Beverly!!! He let me know how he felt about me making more money than him! He was not happy I got promoted. He insulted me a lot but I knew it was all false so I mostly Ignored his idiocy and told him he was a idiot who barely graduated HS and has zero common sense, while I have a masters degree, so he had no path to insulting my intelligence! I wasn’t going to let him walk on me at times. Some other things were harder to fight back on! Gaslighting is a tough one.
@@davidJohnsonguitarguy So did mine. He showed up at my University graduation just to stand beside me and say "Yeah but you know what kind of person you are." According to his wife he was angry that he got married young and didn't have the chance to go to University. That's my fault how??????🤔
“They interpret you based on their need to prop themselves up.” Understanding that is SO powerful. Thx Dr C
That's dewp and true
Agreed, yes : )
My ex took credit for everything that went well even if he had nothing to do with it, and blamed me for everything that went wrong. He had 8 affairs and never apologized one time. His response every time was “there’s the door.” I finally sent him through the door and regret not doing it sooner. He still blames me for the divorce and got most everything. He fought the divorce for 4 years. I never backed down. He’s a miserable excuse for a man. I once offered him money to tell me one kind word he ever said to me. Neither of us could find one. Just can’t love them. There’s nothing there. There’s no cure. Run fast and run far.
💜
Be careful. No contact. Mine has been trying to kill me by heat exhaustion since April 2022. I asked him to move, or if not I would move. He moved bc he is too immature to maintain a home. Then I found out last night that I have missed nearly 6 months of work or more. I was hit by a truck- which had to do with him. He also turned the heater up to level 7-8 behind the armoire in my room. He have me the armoire, but it was only bc he was only too happy to start meeting people or women when we moved in. She gave it to him. I tried to call her and thank her. She did not want to talk to me. It is an IKEA armoire. I came home last night and I finally have the answer to my chronic illness. I was so weak it took me over 30 minutes to inch it away from the wall. I had found a clue when I found a panel cover under the armoire. I tried to use a mirror and flashlight when I smelled a funny smoky smell. I got it away from the wall. What I saw was terrifying. He had been slowly roasting me to death. He had a cycle of coming back every 21 days and leaving 21 days. It was always my fault. When I saw why swear was dripping down my body every night, plus I would wake up 4 x per night with less than 4 to 5 hours of sleep, and I was in the hospital with sepsis I cried. I literally broke down. He was maybe trying to kill me? He kept making comments about "why are you so sweaty and hot?" a lot it got me focused. I was like yeah? Why am I so sweaty and hot? My body was hot all the time. I thought it was maybe early menopause? I literally was tested for everything. My WBC count was up. Every doctor asked me about food or drinks in the home. If I had replaced them. I did not think he was capable of this but now everybody is watching and they are pretty pissed. Especially my family. He lost only 2 days of work in 3 yrs due to my illness. He left me alone to die several times. Well. I have my answer now. He wanted me dead rather than free. My neighbors are watching. The police cannot file a report. There is no proof. I have no camera footage. All I know is that when I wanted to break it off, within 30 days the sweating started. I had my new AC going with a super powerful fan. Honestly. I thought I had Parkinson's disease or some other illness. My hands were shaking. I was walking sideways. I was tired and sick. My job hung in there with me. They can do a lot of damage. If they leave please check for anything toxic. A spider. A snake. The CO 2 system. Throw out all of your food. Check every window and door for security. They can be very vindictive meaning if you are not in sight not in mind. They can wreak havoc on your life. Mine seemed to want revenge for a relationship where I was basically a slave. He drove me to work and home sometimes. That was it. He threatened my coworkers and myself. An analogy looking back is that he didn't want to leave behind anything that belonged to him including myself. He also didn't want a live witness. If he comes here I am ready for him. I have considered moving to another state. He finally said bye for the last time and I blocked his email. I looked 10 years older yesterday than I do today. My energy and shine in my eyes and skin are returning. When they leave it might not be over. They want to mess with your life over a failed relationship? Where most of the failing might have been on them? I do not understand, but I never was with a covert narcissist before. They are capable of so much. Please be safe people. I do not want him hurt, and I told others to just leave it be. I never want to see him again. This is 2022 and we have a new developing menace to society. It has nothing to do with money, race, or any social status . It is partially hereditary. I saw if firsthand. Beware of anyone who crosses one boundary. They will take it further and further and might try to end you when you want to end the relationship.
@@debbyn4647 Yes I read your entire post. You have been put through a lot. Sepsis is not an insignificant infection. You sound like you are aware you need to protect yourself from these threats make sure you do. Take good care you deserve so much better. 😉
Um, after at least the first one, why would you put up with that garbage? 8 times with proof and you stayed?
They will emotionally destroy anyone that crosses their agenda.
That makes them dangerous, tbh. Bringing everyone down as well, which they know I'm sure.
We focus a lot on the emotional damage but the financial harm is what will leave you devastated and set back in life. Do not engage with these people at all. Know the signs and make yourself scarce.
I survived aggressive head cancer treatments, and looking back it was a walk in the park, compared to what my narcissistic ex did to me.
I am so sorry you suffered & so proud of the strength you had to beat cancer, (in your head, oh my god..) you are a warrior, I admire you & I am so glad you no longer have someone who does not pay attention or listen while gaslighting you along the way as the worse cancer eating at your soul any more. Keep those boundaries strong & keep having a zero tolerance for anyone who is unstable & grandiose who does not pay attention or listen while dismissively gaslighting you, these are dangerous people that no one should experience & that we should protect others from, it is true. I hope you are flourishing & healthy & able to enjoy formal communications with healthy people where mutual appreciation is expressed easily & often.
oh wow. i believe it, i’m glad u survived both ❤
They are draining and they never take accountability for their behavior and the cruel things that they say.
These demonic creatures through their masterful manipulation shed and pass all their responsibility, all their health problems, all their madness onto their partners, colleagues at work, etc. as it happened to me during our marriage. I became just like him - insecure, paranoid, panicky, with asthma and a dozen of health problems he had, fearful like never before... Even though I realized these changes in me, I was so drained emotionally that I just gave in... until somehow I managed to crawl out of this trap and into the divorce court. In 6 months most of my health issues are gone, am working on the remaining hang-ups, at age 73...
Evil exists in this realm. And it exists in the people that are familiar to me. Learning that was a really hard lesson as I really wanted to drink the kool-aid of the New Age that "its all good". Accepting that evil exists and how the evil operate, allows me to be in this realm and not get sucked in to their low level, unstable, drama. The road to health is long and challenging but better than any minute spent in the company of selfish, toxic and immature narcissist. Grateful that I have come this far.....
Amen.
Yes, this has been one of the most painful things for me to come to terms with. I finished “People of the Lie” recently and it helped. Praying God can help me become more wise and less naive.
@@dnk4559 I have a read that book. Peck was definitely seeing then, what we are all seeing now, at time when no one was really looking. Evil has been around forever and all it wants to do is steal, kill and destroy.
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning sadly so true.
@@dnk4559 I read that a few months back, I also read the road less travelled many years back. Now the books make sense to me. What truly stuck out for me in the people of the lie was the telling of the two parents and the boy their son who they kept changing his schls and blaming him for all their own pathology. They took no responsibility and taking their son to see Dr. Peck was all a show and to make through son 'normal'. Reminiscent of my now elderly parents especially my mom. My father is toxic but I woke up to who she really is. The basic theme with all narcissistic people I've ever known is they never look at themselves. This I took to mean the people of the lie ✌
Thank you Dr C! My narc husband of 41 years continues to jerk me around like a puppet to manipulate and control. Luckily I’m on to him and refuse to allow the abuse. He is stuck in a “loop” and usually starts his monthly tirade by accusing me of some ridiculous thing that eventually turns out to be all about how great he is in the end. It’s so predictable when this happens, I’m like “wait for it…” I am grateful for your guidance and help through the years. 🙏
Great Respect for you to stay with him!
I think I would getting crazy dealing with his narc abuse for 1 month!
What’s your secret?
The way I see it you are far much greater and awesome than he is!
But don’t tell him ok! Otherwise he will try to steal your shine!
🤗
Yup it’s definitely a monthly predictable cycle. Same here. I’ve stopped caring and go on and leave him in the dust when he kicks it up!! His dust not mine. I’m outta there like the roadrunner in WB cartoons.
@@iTammy Stay out of the drama and don’t get sucked in. Remember these are all lies the narc says to make him/her feel better about themself. The degree of their anger is the measure of their own self-disgust. Rise above, be happy, remain solid and keep on following Dr. C and his good advice for team healthy🙏
@@kimberlys.7097 Right on! Leave um in the dust and do not lose yourself in their drama. Peace to you and me🙏
I dealt with my narc for 34years. When I learned of his problem, I stopped being his flying monkey. He was so hard to live with! But after three years of crap, he left. He went ghost. I was not only abused psychologically, I was abused sexually, emotionally, and financially. I never saw it coming. All I say is be careful. Be very careful.❤
They like to play the victim then label you as the bad one---This is very true.
Absolutely correct. But you know what I've learned? The ones most hurt when a narcissist labels you as the bad one, these are the people who own the love in their heart that a narcissist cannot seem to have.
I'm learning guilty narcissists go on the offense behind your back before you even know what's going on. They will put you through so much and then be mad that can see it all.
@@danielkaiser8971 Yea but how does loyalty work against abuse. You can have a big heart but against a void, you have to mind your steps.
Ironically I was looking to settle down when I started dating the woman I married who turned out to be a narcissist! And she truly did destroy all the stability I had built up financially, with friends and family, and my career and hobbies over the years. I also went from living in the same place for eleven years to moving four times within 14 years, and twice we moved to a house her mother had originally got for herself, and on the final occasion we moved into a place just across the street from her mother. It did concern me that she had no real friends and from the beginning distanced me from my friends and her insecurities and jealousy got in the way whenever I made friends. She even jeopardized a job I had once, and constantly undermined the ones I still hold now. Walked out on her a year ago and now trying to repair all the damage she caused.
Im in that place now 23 years in a relationship. I have nothing, hes taken my money and everything is in his name ! If i walk away i have nowhere to go and no money. I retire next year and the thought of starting again at this time in my life has destroyed me. Im totally broken, i invested money from the sale of my house when we first got together, so we could buy a property together. He has never protected my interest and the house is in his name. These people are pure evil and they get worse as they get older. Iv never known anyone so controlling and psychologically abusive in my whole life. 😢
Good for you
Your story very much like mine
But she discarded me. Took the kids dogs and assets and left then got a heavy duty lawyer.
I have rebuilt and very happy.
My advice-do not remarry. You can get wiped out once and rebuilds, but not twice.
Get a LAT relationship- Living apart together
They make you unstable if you stay too long
You're already unstable if you're with a person like that
@@chayo4537 I was born out of one (or both), and left, I had 3 relationships with some and left, no children were harmed during these UNSTABLE encounters (no marriages no kids), a conman isn't going to say they are lying to you, that’s what you find out in hindsight. But your free to detect any Psychopath out of 100 people, my bet is you do not recognise them. (Source dr. Hare) Another thing I had normal relationships that seems unstable at times but stabilised, what Narcissist mimic is exactly the same thing, but the difference is it doesn't stabilise over time it will start to TILT. NEXT.
One of the trickiest ways my husband places blame on me is that he insists that we do something his way and then when it doesn't work out very well, he says "we" made a mistake. I know if I call him out on that and insist that "he" made the mistake, it will just lead to pointless arguing, so I always just shrug and move on.
At least he said "we". My version is " you always hide behind me, never take any responsibility, you only takes the credit. I can't rely on you for anything".
Mine would never make a decision on anything. Would defer all decisions to me, then if there was any issue or problem, he would says "I KNEW this wouldn't work out, I just didn't want to say anything and get "yelled at by you" LOL. I was way too busy walking on eggshells to "yell" at him. When things worked out well, of course he bragged to people about how "we" did this and "we" did that.
#8 hit home… instead of being happy and complimenting others, they will ignore, dismiss, or try to one-up. Healthy, confident, empathic people don’t need to put others down like this. This has helped me so much with the difficult people in my life…
Why is it that the most emotionally and spiritually mature people who own their own crap always get blamed by all the people who don't own a single thing??
Listening to all this brought back so many sad memories of my generosity and easy going acceptance being abused by narcissists in my extended family. My house and resources became an extended crash pad for unappreciative adults who wanted me to mother them and foot the bill. I'm sure they were surprised a few years back when I finally stood up for myself and cut ties completely. My physical and financial well being flourished afterwards. It's too bad I waited so long but boundaries in my family of origin were so tangled up that it was hard for me to allow myself to break free.
It’s great that you were able to stand up for yourself! Better then than never! I bet the family was shocked because you changed all of a sudden. Go you!
@@fenixrise1272 Thanks! My female relative tried to suck me back in by acting cutesy but I didn't respond. Two years of her craziness had been exhausting enough for me. Now she has fallen out with most everyone else in the family.
Yes, not wanting to be the bad guy had me so resentful that I had to gracefully bow out only to be treated like crap
@@Libbertyone Sometimes being treated like crap by a narc is a high honor! Sooner or later once you are no longer their "source", they will move on.
I know my narcissist female relative and her son talked bad about me. But I didn't care! Eventually she was found out by all the rest of the family and her neighbors after she moved back here. And people realized how unpleasant she was. Now she's on the outs with everyone.
I spent decades being manipulated, controlled and bullied by a parent narcissist. Went no contact four years ago and what a relief. Like you, I regret all those wasted years. But I’m glad for where I am at.
"I am in a growth mode, I'll not join them down in that ditch." Love that, Dr. C! Thank you, blessings from California. 🕊
The Bible says the wicked dig a ditch for others but they fall into it in the end.
Good food for thought.
Wow that's a great analogy - the tone deaf singer who wants to lead the choir, they're so blinded by their narcissism they can't recognise their own shortcomings.
I have been watching Dr C for a least a year now and continue to gain understanding and insight into my husband’s unusual behaviors and feel supported with each video I watch. Today’s presentation really hit home. I appreciate the “tone deaf” example. Thank you, Dr C!
Thanks, Kay...glad the videos resonate!
My (estranged, narcissistic) wife’s relational instability with just about everyone caused me to be repeatedly recruited to take her side. It caused my relationships with them to suffer: her father, mother, sister, as well as homeschool and church friends. She even tried with my own family, but only really succeeded in limiting visits. I realized after she’d left that I visited my family more by myself in that first year than in all the 25+ years combined that we were together.
That last sentence says so much! Be free, Aaron!
Ah men 🙏🙏
Stay true to our selves being # 1 first and foremost forever ⭕️🙏🙏
Hindsight eh!
You can go get your divorce now no need to be married to her anymore, after 7 years apart it should be easy,go find a lady more suited to you.
They use phrases like, "You shouldn't feel that way" to shame you into accepting their gaslighting behavior.
Ugh 😩- yeah walking on egg shells CONSTANTLY- being paranoid yourself too
Being the scapegoat of ALL THE BLAME 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Consistent on all occasions over the long term - to the point that it’s predictable annoying and they get boring to deal with
Their false narrative , the variable masks , their false self , their annoyance, their dysregulated behavior - it gets boring because it’s “here we go again …”
When things are going well you have hope in them. Soon after they crush you with disappointment again…and again, for life.
Yep, I was so hopeful for so long that the ex and I could find more common ground---that there would be some simple heartfelt reciprocity, with no strings attached. It was just not happening. When I finally saw the light, I walked out. Relationships that are so one-sided don't work
So true and it's heartbreaking every time. I wish I could get away but it involves family members that that I cannot walk away from.
YoYo effect. I’m learning boundaries, grieved, not hoping in change, and moving beyond the YoYo which has made me sick!
Healthy strong boundaries is one of the lessons I have been trying to master. Looking back throughout the years and understanding the value of strong boundaries to an empath and self honesty to discern the right choices
Thank you team healthy and Dr. Carter ☘🍀☘
Narcissists know no boundaries. At least not ones normal people respect. I remember coming home from work and my ex pointing out a birthday card that had come in the mail that day for me from my father in law. She explained that it contained a check but she had already deposited it. I fought with her continuously about not opening mail addressed to me.
@@svaujin OH GEEZ. After a longtime friend of mine got married, and her new husband BLOCKED me on FB, I sent her a greeting card with my phone number in it, saying, "If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, don't hesitate to call." But I have a strong suspicion she NEVER EVEN SAW the card. It would not surprise me if he didn't just tear it up and toss it out before she even knew it was there. That guy is the one another friend first pointed out to me, "He sounds like a NARCISIST." I worry about her (we'd been friends since 1996!) but there's not much more I can do (especially as we're on opposite ends of the country).
My boundaries in the past appear to be a blur 🙃 I'm stronger now and still learning 💪 🙏
The way I see it is that a boundary is as simple as you having a favourite flavour of icecream and if another person feels they have the right to be negative about that e.g. that's disgusting or no try another flavour etc. Your boundary is being violated. As much as they are entitled to their favourite, you are just as entitled to yours. I know this example sounds trivial, but any aspect of your relationship with the person will be the same when I comes to boundaries. They don't want you to be you, they need you to be an extension of their own body and soul.
My personal guideline for empaths: (1) Know yourself (2) Be kind and loving to yourself (3) ...so you know when to say "NO!!!" (4) Good people respect your "no". (5) Be the parent to your younger self now that you didn't have. (6) Empaths are the most wonderful people in the world.
Injustice in so many ways.
Truth
Instability, insecurity, immaturity equals liability. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for him, but I tried sooo hard for sooo long. Nothing changed, the projection got too heavy for me to carry. Thanks again Dr. Carter.
My ex narc stole my keys and helped me find them.
My ex narc forged my name and stole money and blamed me for not being a better steward of my earnings.
My ex started making fun of my closest girlfriend that he was having an affair with.
They blamed me for being so self absorbed, working all the time, insisting on running a well run home.
I thought they loved me, loved our home, loved our relationships….
Nope.
I thank God every day that I found this channel and others who know what the hell happened.
I’m still pissed off but I’m free and healing.
Thank you Dr Carter!
Thank you Doctor. I really needed to hear this! This is exactly how my husband is. He try’s to control every aspect of my life! I am getting ready to leave! Thanks God!🙏🏼💙‼️
Goodmorning Dr. Carter & Gus! Listening to you at 5 am. This is ALL true! I have forced myself to "keep my distance" from my immature Narc to prevent further damage to my soul. I cannot save him! I avoid him. I either leave the house or leave the room.
Hi Joanna. Self care is so necessary!
As a long time amateur singer in adult community choirs your analogy of the tone deaf person really struck a chord with me (pun intended). I've sung with people like that and your comparison between tone deafness and narcissism really helped me understand the narcissist in my life better. Thanks for this and your many other insights.
Gus makes me smile! They truly are emotionally stunted. Unfortunately towards the end of my relationship I found myself using the idiom of fighting fire with fire and becoming the thing that I hated. That's when I knew it was time to leave. Thanks Dr C!
Gussy Team Healthy Ambassador 🙂❤🧡💙🐶
@@marieldavison5121 Yes, without a doubt!! : )
👍💯
Such great advice. The instability was driving me crazy - like I never can give enough to step away and just take a breath, focus on something else.
How do you not get worn out? When you are living with a person like that and the undermining, complaining and demanding are constant, it wears you out.
Getting worn out is pretty much what the narcissist wants. The weaker you are, the more the narcissist can control your misery.
The answer to your question is that you are going to continue getting worn out. One day, when you leave the abuse, you will not get worn out anymore. In the meantime you must manage the situation as best you can, putting yourself first, your own mental health first, all of that what ever it takes, because if you are indeed with a narcissist, the situation will NOT -- I repeat not -- improve. it will continue, and it will leave you managing the situation, continuously getting worn out.
You described my supervisor. 😔
@@danielkaiser8971 thank you Daniel. It helps so much to hear it even though it’s bad news. I keep looking for a better way to manage it and it’s not easy
@@rachelm2041 sorry to hear that. Exhausting!!!
@@danielkaiser8971 aka burned out.
I may have to come back and listen to this a few times. After 45 years of being married to a narcissist who loves the way he is and doesn't want help, I don't even recognize normalcy nor myself anymore. We're older, health declining, and now I'm trapped. I upset him by saying things like "whatever blows your skirt up," or "well, you're entitled to your feelings and opinions but so am I." I just walk away from him sometimes letting him know that until he can speak to me with respect, this conversation is over. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm thankful that I can't live forever.
I hope things get better for you, dear lady. I know it's hard, but life can be joyful in spite of toxicity, AND even if that toxic person is your husband. I don't even bother arguing with my husband anymore. I chalk it up to a mental health issue (I'd never say that to him). I'm definitely more at peace. I've really come to appreciate the verse, "Cast your cares..." I picture a fisherman using his whole body to throw that net upon the waters. So, that's what I've been doing: "Here ya go, Lord! Catch this one." One day at a time. I wish you so much peace and happiness. ❤️🌹
I hear you. Prayers for strength. Remember, you are not alone.
That is me 100% . and walking away angers them too. They enjoy a fight. It's a no win situation except for the narcissist they always win. Thank you Dr. You nailed it 100%.
If it’s about winning I’d rather not even try
I simply want to respond rightly and grow up as need be 🧐
Lol, I say give him the silent treatment. Watch him squirm. Than smile.
Hypersensitive is right!! She could quit talking to me for 6 weeks at a time but when I finally cut her off she went bonkers at only 1 week!! I think maybe she knew I would never do that unless it was over but still it's all about THEM .. ALL THE TIME!! So glad that fake friendship is over!!! Healing is coming along amazingly!!! Life is indeed good with God ❣️
I wish you all the healing in the world. The more you heal, the more intolerable it is to be around toxic behaviors and situations and people, and the better the people are for you in your life. I wish you the absolute best.
Lol but so very very very true!!!!!!!!! "Then they blame you for being in the ditch." That can even be the goal in the abuse cycle in order to validate what they did.
I just had 4 "good" days in a row with my home care clients. But I'm continuing to watch these videos anyway, because I can't allow myself to just casually forget what I'm DEALING WITH at work!!! Dr. Carter made so many good points in this video, so many things I recognize from various incidents I've experienced. Among them, someone who gets offended way too easily, as well as, someone who never apologizes when they screw up. My older client has often said, "I'm sorry", but it's been very noticable, EVERY time he does this, it's always for minor, inconsequential stuff that he didn't need to apologize for-- BUT NEVER when he's caused real psychological turmoil. This makes the "inconsequential" sorrys seem like just a cover, a con.
Fauxpologies are famouse
Yes you are right. My mom is getting nurses coming to her home although she doesn't need it it's a control thing and a pity me thing. Her new game is faking memory loss. Its basically Paying to have people come to visit and that is pathetic but that's where she's at. She can afford it so power to her but I wish I could tell the nurses the truth but either they already know or they won't believe me because she's been very convincing so I'm not going to bother. She loves to RAGE so they might get some of that or she gossips about how bad her kids and grandkids are and late husband was!!! She's dug her own hole. She just might be thrown in it.
Oh my! I can relate to the overly sorry for little things and no sorry for huge things! My mother does the same. It also makes you feel like you are a villain because it’s all kind of makes you feel that you are SO hard to be around that she has to apologise
It is a con. Narcissists will always say “I'm sorry” but they never actually mean it. They treat it like it's a great big eraser and rewrites history to eliminate all of their past atrocities as well as selfish behavior.
I'll give you an example. A former friend of mine, I'll call her Molly, (a married mother of two and on her second marriage with her youngest’s father), had the nerve to call me up the day my father died to try to dump all of her petty drama on me. This was mere hours after he passed away from stage 4 lung cancer. Naturally, I was not in the mood to listen to her complain and moan about her money problems, her kids, the fights she had with her husband about her not keeping a job, her dissatisfaction with life in general or any combination thereof. Of course, when a patriarch member of a family dies, it's going to lead to a series of phone calls and communications from friends as well as relatives. The phone was ringing off the hook. I kid you not, Molly called a dozen times to complain about something so inconsequential or mundane. I had already told her not to call because of the death of my father. I was busy changing the voicemail message on my mom's phone when it rang again. It was Molly. I yelled at her and cussed her out asking her what she thought was so important to keep repeatedly bugging me on the day my father had passed away. She said and I quote: “well you two never got along anyway.” Aghast, I hung up and I gave her a taste of her favorite passive aggressive petty revenge: the silent treatment. After several days which turned into weeks of her writing me trying to apologize while slipping in justifications for her horrible behavior, I answered without looking to see who it was. It was Molly. She started out very conversational and then segued into asking for a favor. Typical behavior of her as she treated everyone around her like they were a transactional business card in her mental Rolodex of people who were obviously put on this Earth to serve her every waking need. The perpetually unemployed Molly needed money. I told her I didn't have it and even if I did I wouldn't give it to her. She was shocked. She persisted and when I repeated myself, she not so subtly suggested that I asked my widow mother to loan her the money that she got from my father's life insurance policy. I was stunned into silence. I cussed her out and told her not to call me up again asking something so despicable like that. Of course, she saw nothing wrong with what she said to me. I posted about it on social media but I didn't call her out by name. The horrified reactions of all of the people on my friends list was enough to shame her. She had the nerve to write me later on saying she “didn't appreciate being called out” like that. I told her to go diddle herself. This was the beginning of the end for us. I stopped letting her invade my life and when I went no-contact with her, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. A mutual friend, whom I was fortunate enough to wake him up to her toxicity, said that Molly threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed her toddler grandson when she discovered that I blocked her on everything and changed my cell phone number. Mind you, by this point Molly was about 52 years old. People like her need help but they will never admit it.
@@iononcantomascrivo yep that sounds a lot like my ex fake friend I'll call SHAMMY. I was Walmart, bank, Google, lawyer, therapist..you name it all rolled into one. All the while most of her other friends didn't even know I existed!! She lived right next door but never came to visit just to visit!!! That's not a real friend. And rarely answer a question when I was testing her the last few years . Evasion and lies or totally change the subject. Always after what she could get out of me. They think they are entitled to whatever they WANT OR NEED!!! THANK GOD It's finally OVER!! AND LIFE IS GOOD!! I never realized how stressful she was until I had total silence from her. Wow! Peace!!
My exwife hated someone I didn't even know and expected me to hate them as well she went off when I told her I can't hate someone I don't know
That's amazingly common. Ugh. Glad she's in your rearview mirror.
@@SurvivingNarcissism me to man I'm losing g weight because I'm not stressed to the max when she cheated it gave me the excuse I needed to escape and I've never been happier
Assigning motives, blaming & accusing me, while all the while committing egregious sins they hide & lie about.
Thank you Dr. C! My Narc parent has passed recently. I have a golden child (enabler of all toaxicity)sister, me scapegoat(oldest) and possibly Narc or alcoholic baby of the family. I am now having to deal with the probate process. I understand now the siblings want to continue the unhealthy dynamics. Your videos have been invaluable to me in navigating the behavior and I pray I can take their personal attacks with a grain of salt someday but right now I’m grieving their loss. While I have been excusing their behavior all these years they have been blaming me for things I have not done. My own Narc father admitted that he had always blamed me. I was twelve when he had to take full custody. I was subjected to emotional abuse, the silent treatment and blame for not being able to care for my sisters with an alcoholic schizophrenic mother.
@Rodleen McDuffie thank you and all the best to you too!
Went through the whole estate stuff with a crazy family. Barely came out of it with my sanity!
@@marieldavison5121 I have considered just walking away and letting them have my portion of my Dad’s house. My sanity is too valuable.
Thank you Dr. Carter...
I was crying tonight until I heard your precious peaceful and validating words. Thank you , and God bless you...!❤
Stay strong, Laura.
"Projection" and feeling of " demoralized." The gotch game. All makes sence.
Can’t stand my family, creepy people. All smiles and sing song talk, puke 🤮 sister is golden ! And I truly love her ❤. Wish the others would get help , not happening. Thanks Carter 🌻
It’s the smear campaigning I’m dealing with now. Since I have set my boundaries and gone no contact my entire family including nieces and nephews are all against me. She’s turned an army against me. The fact that N’s can get away with it , makes me question how ignorant and weak minded the flying monkeys are to play their games. Quite pathetic.
I do feel like I lost a few members that meant something to me, but if thats how fast they are to ditch me without any questions ,I’m ok with that.
It’s nice to let people reveal who they really are!! No loss!!!!
I won’t ever stop being me , nor will I ever let any one of them destroy me , or my thoughts. I’m know I’m a good person and I do have a lot of love and peace inside me, they can’t take that from me. I’m keeping it for my real family .
I love this team here , thank you for the support and knowledge. Its refreshing to see kind people help each other ❤
THANK YOU DR. CARTER EVERYDAY FOR ALL YOU DO FOR ALL OF US. PEACE AND HEALTH TO ALL PEOPLE AND FAMILIES WHO HAVE TO LIVE UNDER NARCISSISM. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WARMTH AND EXPERTISE TO ALL OF US. THANK YOU WITH LOVE AFFECTION. HAPPY YOU HAD A GREAT VACATION. LOVE TO GUS ALSO. ❤ I understand stand about bringing one straight in the ditch and being destroyed for their benefits. Just stay away although it's been years. Families break apart and the punching and jealousy, lies that has been their for years never stops. MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY.
Truth
Yep. Agree 100%.
4 mins 13 secs: "They [narcissists] interpret you based on their need to prop themselves up."
Everything you say about the effects of narcissistic abuse can be applied to the emotional turmoil of American people of goodwill, who want themselves and others to have agency over their own lives. What do you do when narcissists gain control of a country? How to live a peaceful life in the midst of gaslighting and chaos?
... gaslighting and chaos on steroids.
Today is my son's 35th birthday. He is good-looking and intelligent and speaking with him you would swear he's a fine young man. I cried this morning thinking about the little boy who would love me so hard and with such passion, I felt incredibly blessed; but he is now an extremely cruel narcissistic abuser who would love nothing more than to see me dead and by his own hand. My ex-husband, a narcissistic abuser himself, has never gotten over me divorcing him 32 years ago and delights in knowing our son is following in his footprints. They have spread such vicious lies to my family and I am now alienated from my 7 and 8-year-old grandsons because my ex-daughter-in-law would rather do what he says than stand up to him. I'm so tired.
A narcissist 'orchestrated' my late husband's slow and painful death in a variety of ways and tried to blame everyone else - including me! 'So grateful for these videos!
MY conclusion & words of advice DON'T EVEN STAY EVER! No matter what your age, you have only one life to live, even if you only have five years left, that can be 5 years of contentment. Don't wait until you get to heaven for peace! 😇
Thank you so much for your content, Dr. C. I'm 2 months post-breakup with a diagnosed narcissist and, while I do have a great therapy team, your videos have been so helpful for those moments in-between sessions when I'm finding myself struggling to understand and remember that I wasn't the one in the wrong and there was no way for me to change him no matter how hard I tried. Every day is hard but reminders like this help so much. Appreciate you greatly!
I wish you the very best of finding yourself, getting to know yourself, and treating yourself as the very best parent and child at the same time, as only you know how to do for just yourself, and for all the beautiful reminders that those who know you can tell you how they see you. Finding yourself means you get to decide who you are, to reject all falsehoods, and when you want someone's opinion of who you are, you will give it to them before they can say a word!
Wow, the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist I know even referred to our so-called 'relationship' as "in the ditch" and "that it will stay in the ditch."
I am not ruined either although I have been excluded and scapegoated for their failings. . . Some days it is still very hard, but I have begun to see that being released from their meetings and holidays, etc., is really a big blessing.
They gave me no positive regard even though I did my ultimate best for them.
I can feel the garbage they tried to load on me falling right off today, and I won't join them in the ditch.
apparently you are the only one who is fully qualified to rejoice in all you have ever done for the other person, and you are entitled to take credit for all the good you have done. You have shown forthright all that you can, and your goodness is a statement on your behalf whether it was recognized by someone else or not. I don't even know you or all the good you have done, and yet I know you have done good.
Their reaction, or absence of reaction, is purely a statement on their behalf, because it is what they chose to do. They would have done the same thing with anyone.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you for your kind attention.
Idk if there is a term for it but before I identified the narcissistic traits I was hypervigilant with his feelings while he was dismissive of mine.
I eventually came to a point where I was trying to fix things and I told him that I didn’t feel safe sharing my feelings with him and I cited recent examples that showed he didn’t have patience for me nor my emotional well-being. I wasn’t angry at him.
It was a last ditch attempt so I was calm and effectless when I spoke with him. I had already processed my emotions and grieved our relationship ending so I was able to have the conversation calmly but he kept telling me my tone was angry and assigning feelings that I honestly didn’t have.
In the following days, he started expressing my expressed faults back to me with varying degrees of ire. I was so confused because I had never heard him say these things before. It was two weeks before I realized that he was just repeating the problems I expressed to him in the last ditch attempt to save our relationship.
He was telling me what I said with extra spice on it: Where I said he wasn’t a safe space for my feelings, he said he was scared of me. Where I pointed out how he had forced me to bear the emotional labor or our relationship and berated me for asking for help, he said he’s the only one that ever apologizes and he’s taking on a lot of the responsibilities even tho he didn’t do anything. this is untrue. he meant: He apologized when he felt he was blameless so I would shut up.
Is there a word or term for this? When a person takes your feelings or experience with them and mirror back a harsher version? It was like a fun house mirror of things I never did to him but he def did to me.
For example
I say, “hey going forward can you stop assuming and then telling me how I feel and accept what I am telling you”
Days later he will say “you keep assuming I’m mad all the time. See your doing the same thing you accused me of!” The difference is I restate his emotions back to him so he knows I listened. I restated he was mad minutes after he told me he was pissed.
I’m accept that i was a mean/closed off partner near the end but my experiences with him were unique to him as I never did those things. So to hear him say them back to me was jarring and confusing and he delivered the accusations with such rage that I was sure I must’ve done those things and I was racking my brain trying to remember when and how and why I would’ve done these things to him and apologizing and telling myself I’m horrible and the realizing he played me and I was an idiot for falling for it.
Dr. C. You give us all the gift of wisdom. Thank you so very much.
Always an emotional sucker punch awaiting the decent person from the narc. It's literally stunning.
Great video Dr. Carter. Thank you for all the information you provide. Just today I got an email from one of the Narcissist. They want to know how I am doing. It upsets me to hear from them. I will not answer. Answering is like volunteering to be set up for more abuse.
Hearing from them is anxiety-provoking. I think it’s created a kind of PTSD in me (I’m sure I’ll get past it). After going gray rock, they’ve stopped reaching out (as much), but I still diligently check for messages because I expect to be a punching bag again when they need to unload. Ugh! My counselor told me to “block” them - so validating.
I need to stop dwelling!! 😩
They have their hands out to TAKE from you. My x harassed me for six months. He wanted my savings to play the stock market. Really, he wanted to see how fast I'll part with my money. I never caved. I paid gaz money to get a lift to work & paid half of all the bills!!! I did all household tasks. Good riddance to the worst last narccissist of my life!!!
They really are that predictable and yet I still get shocked by it. Thank you Dr carter and Gus : )
After 11 years with my covert Narc, i finally realized that what i thought was just me getting older and wanting to be more reclusive/secluded was just her years of grooming and conditioning me to not be able to converse with others like a normal healthy adult. We never have a normal conversation about anything. Ever. I never noticed it until recently. This is the biggest change i've noticed in myself, as i used to be very outgoing and social and able to talk freely with anyone about anything. Now that i see it for what it is, the spell has been broken and i'm well on my way to becoming who i used to be and who i need to be.
"Your expectations is what has let you down." - said the narc.
"No...it was you."
My mother went away on a women's retreat for church one weekend when I was in my teens. I decided to while she was away to sit down at the piano and teach myself a piece of music from the musical "CATS". By the time she had returned I had pretty much nailed it. I heard my stepfather saying something to the effect of "she's been playing that non stop all weekend" in reply to mum's question. But for someone who had no piano lessons ever and nutted things out by ear, I had zero compliment from her, no encouragement whatsoever. But when SHE played wee all had to praise her playing! I was hoping she would consent to giving me piano lessons and it didn't work - either I was still crappy (which I CERTAINLY wasn't) or she didn't want another musician daughter overshadowing her. I think the latter.
I agree it's the latter because I also have a narc mother who never wanted me to outshine her in any way. She viewed me as competition instead of her daughter. Narc parents want you to do them proud so they can boast to others "how well a job they did raising you." However, in their jealous eyes it's a case of "don't be too successful" because they don't want your success stealing their shallow limelight or making them feel insecure. I've cut contact with my whole dysfunctional family and the only regret I have is not leaving sooner
Shocking to hear they are "biased against one." Are they sadists?
"Know your audience." Thank you for your excellent advice.
Leliani....just read your comment. My heart goes out to you...but I encourage you to hang in there. Take care of you first. My Narc husband of 45 yrs and his secret life caught up with him in Dec. 2021 and died in Jan 2022. I emotionally detached from him completely in 2014. Did not leave....to much to lose in the long run. His disease finally put him in a Ditch he could not pull out of. I am a believer in God and do believe in the principle of sowing and reaping. He sowed and he revealed. It is sad if I look back but have decided to move forward as I did when he was living. I did not let him stop me from accomplishing what I set out to do. Keep moving forward ...no reaction ....no arguing.....not listening to the Narc ....just that sweet small voice in your ❤. Prayers for you for strength and grace and Peace with in yourself. Don' t give up!!!!
Thanks Dr. C, for another great video! I've tried to be nice to my narc brother, only to be undermined and treated poorly. I've reached the end of my rope! I'll help myself now by avoiding him. He's alienated so many people that he's basically alone now and he's not young anymore.
Just want to say thank you for your videos….. I am 2 1/2 weeks out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissistic man whom I lived with and am going through withdrawal from trauma bonding. It’s more difficult than I could ever imagine, your videos are helpful more than I cansay
friday - stay strong ! you can do it - go for walks, watch videos- pray hard ! I will pray for you too !
Thank you 🙏 Dr Les Carter. These seven mind games played by the narcissist is what I've been experiencing throughout my entire life, and those ill treatments are what laced my life with dark cloak of anxiety and trauma, and that made me to walk on eggshells anytime I was around with my "Grandiose Narcissistic Dad".
Thank you 🙏 "Dr. Les Carter", God bless you.
6:53 where is dr. Carter's doggie going! Come back, he or she is comforting to me
They just cannot handle the truth, it's so sad a relationship is 100% from both sides and don't allow a narc to try and gaslight you into an 80% relationship when you give 100%. They will destroy you if you let them.
We can not Let unstable and immature narcisists to alter our way of life. I stand for dignity, respect, civility and peace. God bless you dr Carter❤
Great words, Iza!
They are biased against us, so true. My sister, I sometimes think she wishes me dead.
When the one sibling died the other said, "Why couldn't it be you".😳😲 I stay away from this "person" for my own health and safety.
That's just cold blooded.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I know, right? And I am a very nice person but she uses that against me too.
Your logic, understanding, and ability to articulate make your presentations so easy to listen to. Thank you.
Logic, understanding patterns, you will find narcissism is not sophisticated at all. In fact it is quite boring. It is quite predictable. Narcissism is nothing near as complex or as sophisticated as healthy behaviors that make life worth experiencing.
I realized just today I have such poor boundaries related to my dysfunctional relationship with my narcissistic husband. I have such a long road ahead to heal.
You'll get there. Keep learning.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I have been married 37 years and and just have barely realized in the past month why my relationship has been so difficult. I have been watching anything I can get my hands on and learning this is really rough. I'm dealing with a vulnerable narcissist who has recently been disabled so things have gotten a lot tougher and I'm just really needing help. So I appreciate all your videos.
@@proverbs3530 oh been there. Do you really have poor boundaries or does he not care to respect you and is abusive?
@@Raven.13 hmmmm, I'll have to give that some thought. I know I hate that I'm a people pleaser and I feel this has come back to hurt me. I have felt used and emotionally abused
When I was growing up, it seemed we never stayed in one place very long. Not for occupational reasons. Every time mom dumped a man we had to move again. And the instability got worse. The instability of a war zone.
As mom got older she relocated to a very nice state, nice people, I hoped she found her paradise. But she brought instability with her and she moved in and out of houses every 2 years. No suggestion, professional counseling, pleading by her kids, registered with her. She even threatened slapping us with a restraining order! Heck yeah I bailed.
We got all the blame for her misdeeds and general irresponsibility. Financial irresponsibility from the time I was 15. And that's just what I know.
Disastrous decisions that ultimately robbed her of financial security, and us, the ability to help her.
I hope Dr. C will consider a show on surviving suicide of a narc parent. Even if logically, you know you didn't do it, it's a lot to process, and I dont care how tough you are. Lots of written posthumous garbage, that could never be resolved.
Ouch!
Dr. Carter , it is so true. My life was completely altered. But I maneged to survive. And here am I. Say hello to adorable Gus.
No curiosity!! They are self absorbed and selfish
Narc roommate didn’t lock doors but kept them open. Now, we have been scoped for a burglary. Yup.
Nailed it Dr. C. Can not thank you enough for all the help you have given this 67 year old guy! Navy Seals have nothing on me!
Now that you know how to recognize past abuse, I wish your all future years the very best with no repeats of the past. 67 is an awesome age. At least, I think it is. I am only 52. I'll yield to your opinion. 😃
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank You
Oh my word, all of it! The others departure was my rescue because I always took on the blame and tried to adjust and bring stability. It was hard to part ways, still healing from all the years. Though there's pain, there is now peace in living free of the chaos.
Their inability to both make their own decisions wisely AND relinquish control will cause them to gaslight which then in turn will cause you to question your reality.
Their inability to set healthy boundaries with parental figures in their life will cause them to triangulate which in turn will cause you to feel and/or be excluded.
They inability to empathize will cause their true uncaring self to show which can be a huge sign that will help you make wise decisions to either keep them at bay in your life or set them free by not having them in your life. And if you haven’t reached the point of accepting the truth about their lack of ability to empathize, their lack of empathy will cause you disheartened frustration that will sometimes lead to toxic wishful thinking disguising itself as hope that they will change.
These are just a few ways i have been effected by the inabilities of the narcissists i have dealt with in my life. I could probably name more but DrC will present them way better.
(edited for typos)
Their inability is their ability except taking any responsibility. But the take is on Instability.
You're on it, Kelly!
@R N This is a very good explanation. You hit the nail. Thank you!
@@roxymovie3938 Take care.
These are dangerous people. They can bring about someone's death. Case in point: The Narc Neighbour's 23-year-old adult daughter came back to her father's house, next door to me, to commit suicide when he was gone; she succeeded. She had a 3-year-old child.
I know what he's like; thankfully he has since moved. I haven't met to many healthy people in my lifetime.
I'm the one who helps our aging stepfather with a number of things. My narc brother, thousands of miles away yells at me, tells me I'm not doing anything and he's some kind of hero when he makes a 10 minute phone call every six months. I know he's a product of our childhood (abusive mother, enabler stepfather) but I can't handle another abusive person.
When you get sick and tired of their bullsh*t, then you can jump in the driver's seat, put up the windows and lock the doors, and leave them in the dust!!
Yes they sure do want to bring us down. 👎 but not going to let them get to us as we all deserve love, joy and happiness. Thank you Dr. Carter for another amazing video!
You are very welcome
Uggh, its such a manipulative way of communicating. How does one cope with such a backward blaming accusatory culpability denying character. ? I have felt everything you mentioned in this video. Thanks doc. Enlightening. And encouraging.
They have no integrity or genuine character.
🎯 Bullseye. Be careful when they say something they’re not. It generally means they are and displacement onto you. They can never admit they’re wrong or say sorry and they deny something they said a minute ago. They are merry go rounds of insecurity but try to convince you they’re together.
Almost every conversation is like climbing up a hill.
Constantly finding faults. No respect for your rights. Talk down to you as if you are a child. Opinionated. Self serving.
My partner’s only compliment toward me is about how pretty he thinks I am. He’s never taken the time to compliment my sense of integrity, empathy, perseverance, gratitude, maturity, intelligence….it’s always, “ you’re such a pretty woman…you have such awesome hair…your eyes are so dark.” I’ve always thanked him, but…over the years, I’ve also told him that I wish he’d look deeper than that. To that he responds, “ well you already know that you’re smart…have integrity, are kind…etc.”. To which I’ve started replying, “and I already know that I’m pretty too.”
I relate to that, they just like the way you make them look.
It's exactly like that, it's amazing...It's nearly impossible or even impossible to have a deep relation with a person like that, even with all the understanding because they don't value the other, they misinterpret, they get offended for nothing, they blame or even insult the other, they throw back in your face any confidence you might have had with them, one has to be always vigilant, they don't dialogue and it's impossible to solve any conflict with them because they're always right, always the victim, they never look inside or change anything of them. All that makes intimacy impossible, at least for anyone would like to have intimacy based on real trust, communication and appreciation. The real victim of the narcissist also has to put walls around him/her to protect herself of his devious personality and consequent rages and outbursts.
Yes you nailed it Dr C.
Finding a way out of the ditch is challenging!
They are against humanity because they are devils .....👿
So spot on. I started out making more money & now after 24yrs I make none.
I fight for every dollar to even keep my health up. Yet the cigarettes, beer, etc...always on hand. If it wasn't for my belief in God;; I'm not sure if I'd survive...or that I'd want to.
they will lead you straight into the ditch and then blame you for being in the ditch literally!
Gus has nothing more to learn, he's heard it all.