Midweek with Dr. C- Narcissists Who Can’t Contain Their Misery
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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The narcissists in my life would never ask my perspective. They know it all.
You’re an adult… just jump in there.
Get the narcissists out of your life.
Same with mine!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Same here,but I finally realized how I played my role by freely, enthusiastically giving away my help, practical and emotional support to them. I learned the power of emotional detachment and completely stopped volunteering in favor of waiting to be asked to host, attend, bring, drive, donate. When true, I declined because I had other plans instead of my usual, which was jumping to offer more than required and mentally deprioritizing my prior plans. It was a jarring, painful, but extraordinarily freeing clarification of why I was ever included. There are people who genuinely value your company, your humor, your gifts and your time. You will never find them if you're giving those things to people who literally cannot see, much less value, you. Also, these people have very, very limited game: when you patiently, pleasantly but firmly value yourself by not throwing yourself 100% out there for their crumbs, they have no tools but confusion, anger and petty put downs, They can't disguise that it was all a game as soon as you even hesitate to play. Strength to peace to everyone here.
Containing misery gets them nothing. They want ALL the attention, sympathy, support, etc.
My sister tried to destroy any friendship or relationship I had by turning people against me and isolating me.
You and I are in the same boat. Be yourself find your peace and don't look back. The friends I lost were never really friends. I'd rather have a very few friends that are there when I need them than fake ones.
@@anacardinale5769exactly!!!
Its probably the most evil thing they do imo. Those bells can't be unrung, and there are some who will always believe there was some truth in the lies the narc planted. I often wonder about all the opportunities destroyed for the target by the slandering narc.
I understand that the same has happened to me
I have gotten so good at setting boundaries and going no contact...i realized I have to set an example for my kids and I cant do that if I allow myself to be abused and scapegoated.
You're a strong and smart mama. I feel exactly the same.
Catching you on the tape delay...A Narcissist is the "gift" that keeps on taking!
No matter how it's "wrapped" or who it's "gifted" to...the contents are the same!
With discernment and Radical Acceptance we can make psychologically safe choices - for ourselves. It's challenging, but remember...
Real, lasting change requires uncomfortable action.
Thank you Dr C and SIR GUS! See you next time!
Great comment 👍
Yea!
My ex would ruminate constantly. He would get angry when I'd leave things in a place of 'I'm going to agree to disagree'. We never lived together throughout the 4yrs, so he would leave and just barely communicate for days or weeks. The minute we would see each other in person, he'd start it right back up again. He never ever let go of a conversation where I disagreed with him. Eventually I couldn't take one more second of this and the mounds of other nasty behaviors. I loved him dearly, but I had to go no contact.
Fear rage envy then denial & revenge 🤦♀️ rinse, repeat this cycle indefinitely because they can’t rise to a higher level of emotion
The reason narcissists are miserable is they made bad decisions when they were young and never stopped.
❤
Well said. 👍
I was with a narc who was nice to everyone, but always sarcastic and hateful to me. I did more for him than all of his friends, flying monkeys, etc., together, yet was never appreciated or thanked. Another thing I noticed about him was his pretentiousness. If he went somewhere and things didn't go as planned he'd act as though they had. He couldn't seem to deal with reality.
Dr. C. Your philosophy for D. R. C. has given me hope for humanity!
Dignity, Respect, Civility. Even has I approach an old Domestic partner
in court proceedings! and Confidence. the real kind in Christ.
Thank you for your commitment to educating us.
Good luck, Janine!
Stay strong and calm. Court is tough. Hope you have a wise judge who sees the narrcisscist clearly.
God bless you! ❤
Dang. Almost a million of us narcissist sufferers. I hope each one of you finds a way to happiness. Im working on going elsewhere. Two hundred miles might be far enough away. On St. Patty's day im going. Wish me luck folks. I need some positive imput. 😢 Three days before leaving. Yesterday he put dry rib bones on the floor for my 16 year old dog. The day before he put some riblet bones on top of the garbage for him. I said nothing. So the next day he got even more dangerous ones to leave out for my old dog. Then he tried to say I threw the bones on the floor. Told him I have all the bones from mine in my bedroom. Because I knew he was going to do it again after the first try didn't work. I also said he was too predictable to do this stuff. Idiot.
Wish you only the best! 🌟
Best wishes from England.
Good luck 🍀
Good Luck!
And dont look back! We have your back❤
My mother in a nutshell 🤦♀️ it took me too long to go no contact 🤷♀️ it’s difficult to let go of your own mother but she no longer wanted to be one 🙍♀️ she just needed a scapegoat
The world needs more caring genuine people hope everyone on this channel is healing, God bless you all.
Here here!
Misers
Stealing a granddaughter from your daughter in law and enabling your son in his abuse. Keeping the grandchild after your daughter in law is deceased (while your son is serving) from the whole of her family!
She had her whole life ahead of her.
Its the only thing they do share. They not only try and bring you down to their miserable level but even lower!!!
And it burns them up to hear you laugh or act happy 🤷♀️
One of the hardest things I have done was walk away from my father and my only older brother.
There’s many of days where I wish my mother was still here with us. She was the only one who was there for many different situations in my life. She was such a good woman and mother.
We love you Dr, thank you again for all your love and support.
Thanks so much. Love received, with gratitude.
"...some flying monkeys have narcissistic tendancies" (that tracks)
I just want to say thank you for these videos. Today you brought up the question of how to respond. to a narcissist. First, thank you for mentioning that some of us have this with family members who
Happen to be adult children. This is so painful and I know it has so many questions around it alone, but it IS a part of narcissistic fallout for some of us. It is me wanting others to be aware how far this can go.
I feel I was meant to hear your response to this question as this just happened to me and am really struggling. I had to respond to my adult daughter (yes, with grands) to a question she asked last night. As it came in the form of a text I was able to sit with it for a while. I did not respond until early this AM as I literally started doubting myself but then did exactly what you described. My answer involved a decision on my part and I could not sleep all night as I felt the need to play out in my mind the ramifications of my answer. You are so spot on with the fact that we have to do this to know if we can bear the outcome to our responses. That in itself was my answer as far as my self doubt. There would be no need for this struggle within a healthy relationship. Thanks again. I appreciate you.
You are quite welcome.
Alcoholism is covering up their feelings of inadequacy! I don't feel that I can engage well with other individuals! They are running away from their own responsibilities! Running away from insights that they don't want to deal with!
I wish I could maintain delicate detachment when dealing with my daughter, but I depend on her in the direct sense of this word. She insisted that I come to Israel and stay here but very soon almost forgot about my existence. I' m helpless and lonely , it's even a problem to make an appointment with a doctor without her help. Sometimes she or her husand condescend to help me in such situation, but our contacts are very limited. And I rarely see my grandchildren.
Please reach out to any social services you have there. They can get you the assistance you need. Perhaps at your place of worship would be a good start.
Doc C, I just had to thank you for being who you are as an individual, and for lending so much heart and wisdom to us over these years. Your perspective and delivery is unique and unparalleled. Wishing you and family the best as always, including Mr. Gus! 🙏🏼
Yeah, it's tough to encounter their attempts to shame and control. And you quietly handle and not seek solace in misery loving company. You have to individualize your healthiness.
It might be their misery but they will make sure to share it with you. Lack of laughter should be grounds for divorce. 😅
Southeastern Texas: USA 🇺🇸: btw: Sincere Greetings 🫂; Thought 💭 and as well May Almighty GOD BLess
Thank you again Dr. Carter 🙏
Hello to Team Healthy 🏆
I ruminate. And I hold grudges. I've been called delusional. Many people have dropped me.
My partner is overseas and I miss him terribly. He is outside of radio contact so i can't even text or call. The loneliness I feel is so painful I have chest pains, like I am having a heart attack.
I've resorted to the occasional text with my sister who has been my chief tormentor in life.
Please don't turn to her. ❤️🩹
Go inner because that’s where the love truly resides ❤️🩹 no one can rescue you but yourself ❤ be the loving parent to that unloved child who never had a safe place or person
Anxiety is a killer. Perhaps consider either prescription or herbal holistic medication. Works for me. Mostly.
@@An-mei Thanks. I don't confide in her. Just sent a text about a TV program. The need to communicate and not feel alone is very strong. But I still feel anger and resentment for her abuse of me and continued denial and gaslighting. The urge for connection with family or quasi friends is so strong it's like addiction. It's painful to withdraw from them, even if they are bad for me. Like drugs.
@@snowbear1877 I understand. Yes, I like and comment on my brothers posts and he replies back. His attacks are behind the back and insinuations and judgements. I don't know what it will become.
I finally had to set a strong Boundary with myself in a friendship that had formed in T he last year. This person want to make me her lucky. My real awareness happened when she called on short notice, as usual, to meet her for breakfast. Explained to her that I had an errin to run ,would be 15 min late. I arrived and then received a text message "I had to go"??? No explanation period. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. There is no friendship now. No respect for my time. My kindness towards her ect. Learning to let go sooner of people who do not value me.
İ hate to realise that İ was actually helping, supporting , sympathizing someone who was jealous, hateful, selfish, hypocrite waiting fir the right moment to destroy my happiness. Shame on me. İ was so stupid
Thank you for addressing my question Dr C.
Yep, no pause. Everything‘s running great on the video.
Your guess Dr. Dan was so amazing!
God bless you both so much.
Yes, Dr. Dan had a very gentle demeanor and you do also Dr. C.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
I once said to ly sister that I had trouble connecting with people. She went mental at me, saying I don't know what you mean! And got very angry.
I am losing contact with my grandchildren and it really hurts😢 Narc ex-husband poisoned their parent's minds with lies.
My heart is with you.
Dr. C, what about the helpless narcissist.? You know the person who cries and complains about their fix that they’re in that they’ve created and then won’t let you help fix it. Then when you want to get away, they make you feel like you’re the bad guy. I’ve got no contact with this person And they really don’t want to hear what I have to say. But I’ll try to be nice when I do talk to her if ever I’d have to run into her somewhere and that’s not likely. I just know there is the helpless help me but you can’t help me narcissist. Thank you for all you do.
Great interview 🎉
I thino I could listen to you all day
Ugh. I've been with a narc for 7 years. 4 year old twins. This Christmas we went to the shelter the twins and I. We lasted 3 weeks till he roped me back in and of course within weeks it's back to the same. I'm trying to save to get out on my own. I also have so much gu8lt leaving again knowing the mental abuse thats going to come when I say I'm Leaving and also I'm having to build up the courage to leave again. This is the hardest mental game I've ever dealt with.
Great Q&A ❣️
Glad you liked it!!
Thank you for your work.
Thank you Dr. C.
Another example of being miserly. Leaving the State to get out of child support. Seeing your child as little as possible, even cutting visits short. Yet when they do have one they choose (on their own) to call Dad refusing to answer to Dad for the rest of your sad, miserable life! THAT is envy.
Dr dan was an amazing collab. Thank you dr c. I have a therapist now but I'm feeling worse! I'm not sure she is the right person for me. She is a bit unreliable which is triggering me. She also doesn't recognise the effects of others now or prior in my life. Listening to dr dan and yourself was very soothing. I'm afflso going through the death of a beloved furry and another sick furry. You and dr c as usual are keeping me sane and together ✌
Awesome Q& A. I agree Dr. C. That interview was awesome! The fishing story was absolutely awesome. I miss bass fishing. 🎣
Dr. C, when I was in elementary/middle school, a group of us went to the Exploratorium in SF. They had a thing called the “Tactile room”. You go in and it’s all dark and you run into things. You have feel your way through. There are ramps and slides. You have to trust yourself to get all the way through to the end, (which consisted of a sort of “genie bottle room”. Found the way and slid down a final slide and landed in a vat of birdseed.
(At least that’s my recollection).
This relationship has been, like that.
Interesting. We did this on a lesser scale in high school. One was blindfolded and the class had to direct you. You had to trust others. Did the group go in together?
this is beautiful
thank you!!!
Glad you like it!
Another great session. The narcissist in my life feeds off a crowd. He needs people to,perform in front of. He wants people to agree with him. When he tries to live life by himself ie going to work he can’t cope. In 5 years he’s had 7 jobs and got sacked every time for shouting and loosing his temper. When he is in a crowd they laugh at his jokes and prop him up. I can function by myself or in a crowd. I don’t need people to be me. I am an independent person and am enjoying becoming the best version of me. Thanks dr Corter. Judy from uk
Doc, ❤ you bring such joy to me when you say Hi Team Healthy.
Lol
Really! ❤
My sister would’ve put me in prison if she could. No joke. I just mourned the relationship. I thought we had which wasn’t that great anyway. It’s better now.
Thanks!
Thank you!
Showing them Empathy?!?!
I was so confused with his reaction to me having empathy towards him.
Now I understand!
He is inept. He can’t go there. There is such mixed bag of behaviors it’s confusing. I think he likes it that way so I can’t figure him out.
It worked for a long time because I did not know what was up with his behavior.
It’s impossible to have a relationship. He uses up others emotionally.
Our sister that passed away was in an extreme pattern of Narcissistic personality. I could write a book on this relationship. A lifetime of tryin to help her with addictions and mental health. You said something about people not wanting to have mental health issues. It kept her in the system to be helped in every way. Financially housing food stamps. She was on a permanent vacation in this lifestyle. Party party party. This was they way she wanted it. Using every need to keep us close to her. I need cigarettes! We would run across town to get her some.
When we Stopped, we didn’t love her anymore.
The saddest part of her passing was that she would not try to recover. She had a really bad fall. She wanted people in her family to get her the street drugs to help her get up out of bed.
Ornery to the end!
It leaves a space in your heart that’s indescribable.
Bitter sweet!
AND no one in all our families smoke! So uncomfortable To go buy cigs for her.
Are narcissist habitual liars? This narcissist I'm dealing with actually lies straight faced about something I was there and witnessed. Lieing to other people about me to other people. How do I defend myself or should I say to myself who cares and walk away
They must maintain a false self. Emphasis on false.
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: Media Technical Support Team and Staff @ Dr. Les Carter, Ph.D.: ( Presentation- Awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : btw: thank you 🙏
How common is it for alcoholics to have narcissistic children?
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: wishing you, your friends and family and as well GUS { a regular dog} an incredible afternoon and as well a lovely 🥰 evening ahead! !!
Doctor I have been listening to your videos about narcissistic people, and you just explained to me in those videos who my father was, it's very sad to me now when I remember how he used to run our family, he got everybody in tension, he was like a mad man that his way is the only way, he just destroyed the whole family, he couldn't understand the value of other people's life, but he is or was my father, now I wonder what he did with my sisters and brothers after I gave up on him, believe me sir I'm from SUDAN, I went to the best University, well to make the story short I think narcissism is a disease because my father was a man that the whole village come to listen to at some point, he was good but it was always his way that people have to listen to, he never acknowledge me as his older son that was successful in education, he hold our family like hostages,then I have to deal with our culture of always respecting our parents, man it was horrible, man there were things he said and looks I saw in his eyes I will never forget I was a child then, I and my brothers used to be so confused, I wanted to keep the family intact after he lost all his friends,I hated it when people ignore my father but I knew it was was him, you guys in the field of human behavior science taught me who my father was
Thanks for your comments....please know I wish you well.
In Thanksgiving: { USA 🇺🇸} : fwiw: the Presentation: ( Awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) is outstanding; again: outstanding
I understand that there are different kinds of narcissistic traits and that a narcissist can display different spectrums or intensity of narcissism. My question is this, can a narcissist heal to a degree by being treated with dignity, compassion and respect and by not having their dysfunction indulged? I have found that my covert narcissist husband responds with at least minimal relational growth as I consistently apply these principles. It's almost like a type of reparenting is happening. I'm not saying he's cured. I'm simply saying that there is some normalcy in our relationship since I've been doing this.
Question dr.c. why does a narcissist hijack your feelings and your pain during a time when something has really upset you. They seem to overreact and become emotional, even crying WHEN it's something that's happening to you. Instead of showing any empathy (which I no longer expect but it still hurts) they become emotional and you end up not even being able to show your own grief or pain, AND it's any hurt that happened to you! ✌
🙏
Description of hoovering: Now that you've had time to think it over, let me have another chance to find out how much you've learned and have come to accept what we both knew was the correct way of thinking all along: MY WAY.
Question: what do you do when your mother in law shared something private to our kids about a marriage quarrel that happened years ago in order to make her son look like the good one? What boundaries are appropriate?
Since Eric Fromm said it is part of the human condition to have characteristics of narcissism in all of us, then when we all watch a movie in that the bad guy gets painfully killed in the end, does that make us all narcissists in that moment?
Well, technically, I guess? But I'm not going to split hairs unless it is an ongoing pattern.
Thank goodness I don't fit
31:59 LOL!!!
Could someone giving the silent treatment and taking pride in hurting you emotionally, Dr. Carter could this also be a way of them showing they can't contain their misery?
Are neuroses an intgegral part of narcissistic personalities? The specificity of memory in argumentative or grudge-holding memories, that seem neurotic to the level of detail involved in charting minute hints of perceved difference or criticism, in another person, is stunning! It's almost humorous, how petty and niggling a covert/vulnerable narcissist's confrontations about perceived criticism, can be. Any lack of homogeneaity seems to be neurotically interpreted as a slight or a competition-inspiring "cut". on their part. I've found myself missing their "point" at the time they make their "point" of critique, as if they projected their feeling of having been slighted by some different opinion I had, compared to their own; that they then took as a criticism,and a competitive point to
get even with later. It comes off as soo neurotically petty and childish, it seems humorous to me, at the time ,and I rarely realise the narcissist took it seriously until later, when I reflect on how odd and angry or contemptuous or disgruntled they seemed. It's as if the narcissist's feelings are a blender inside them, and their paranoid assumptions just grind inside them, without others even being aware of their sense of low self-value. that they project onto others as if others feel that way about them, when they don't.
25:45 I disagree. They may have trust issues, and their culture, or upbringing plays a role in that also.
I'm not sure what I said that went counter to what you are saying here, but you are correct.
If I did not have a relationship with Jesus My younger son and I would be struggling financially, and I wouldn't see my adult son and grandkids. I deal with sociopath narc soon-to-be ex and covert narc daughter in law Jesus is the only one who can take these folks on; I praise him
Matthew 11:28
That was funny but seriously...
What is the covert narcissist first go to , when triggered?
Triangulation.
@@notaclue822 you are 100% right!
Before you get into the questions.. When I accepted my Higher Power I became spiritually sensitive and I can feel other people's feelings.. Now it is realizing that it is a gift and learning how to use that gift.. The other thing that I want to mention.. I heard that you can walk into a room that had an argument that energy is still in that room.. I have walked into rooms were there wasn't anyone and my mood changed instantly.. That would support that statement.. With you being a Therapist have you ever encountered that or had a client say I felt great until I came into the room?
1. Years of being calm.. For me it is to focus on the calm.. Let that calm decide my next step..
2. Independence.. Good question.. I think I have met some that do have independence..
3. Older sibling.. It sounds like enmeshment..
4. Partner.. They discount what I say... I want to be around people who treat me like a priority..
5. Attack with insults.. To me that is all I really need to know..
Thanks!
Thanks so much!